Episode 1000633699927

5:20 Adam Hey everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1, Dr. Drew, board certified physician, Dictionary Manager, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, buddy.

5:31 Drew Here we are, buddy.

5:32 Adam Back together again.

5:33 Drew Last time I saw you was at a party.

5:36 Adam That's right, in New York City.

5:37 Drew A very hip party.

5:40 Adam Yeah, we went to the Axe body spray deodorant party. I don't think they like being called deodorant.

5:48 Drew And by the way, we should have been passing it around and using it at that party. It was 800 degrees, yeah. It was, I noticed there was some in the bathroom. I thought to myself, should I just put this on? It's what we're meant to.

6:00 Adam I could have used a little shot downstairs, if you know what I'm saying. It was getting gamey down there.

6:06 Drew Yeah, I was gonna bring it up with you.

6:07 Adam I thought like a millipede was gonna crawl out of my underpants. It was like, it was really like terrarium in there.

6:13 Drew Well, I noticed you had a little paper bachet, you know, like a float from New Orleans.

6:16 Adam I wasn't able to talc up. Yeah, it was tough. Yeah, a lot of big and medium name celebrities over there.

6:25 Drew I begged Mila Kunis, who was, I guess, the sort of media host, to get me on The Family Guy.

6:29 Adam Yeah, a lot of people don't know she's from, she's from, Meg from Family Guy, as well as from That 70s Show. Well, she also plays Meg. No, I just thought freaky out. I know Drew knows nothing, so I can say that. Jack Osborne was there, and Mackay Fiver, Steve-O. Steve-O with a smoking hot model chick, by the way. He's wearing no shirt. He's got like bird droppings on his head.

6:52 Hey, Drew, why is it that when you rub your balls while you're jerking off, that it feels so much better?

6:57 Drew Yeah, I'm back there now. I'm completely back in the moment.

7:00 Adam I swear to God, it makes you just want to fall on a sword when you see Steve-O. Steve-O, nobody could use a shot of Axe more than Steve-O. Steve-O could actually use just an Axe, an actual Axe in his head. It would smell better. And he's with some smoking hot model, doesn't, not quite sure, doesn't seem to know where she is or who he is or what she's even doing there. Smart. You know what I'm saying?

7:28 Drew Yeah, there's a picture out there that night of him chasing me with, I'm not sure if it was a dildo or his erect penis.

7:35 Adam Oh, was it coming out of the fly of his pants?

7:37 Drew He seemed to have been. All I knew is I wanted to get away fast.

7:39 Adam Smart, yeah, smart, yeah. So anyway, that's when, I think that's the last time Drew and I saw each other. That was in New York on Thursday night.

7:49 Drew How was the rest of the weekend for you?

7:50 Adam Little gamey. Well, let's see. We stepped out, stop banging, Drew. We, I went and did Stern on a Friday morning. That son of a bitch. You know, the thing about Stern is, Stern is one of these guys, actually his producer, Gary, is this way, where he's like an attorney for your wife during a divorce thing, where it's like you pull him aside or you have a couple drinks and you start speaking, lose it like, hey brother, man to man, off the record, let me tell you something. I stepped out a couple of times on, I banged your best friend, I, you know, you're a guy. I mean, you may be a lawyer for a bit, no way. Don't do that. Listen, he will come back and haunt your ass.

8:33 I can't listen.

8:34 Drew You and Jimmy invented that move.

8:37 Adam What are you talking about? Well, here's what happened. Here's what happened. I called Stern on Friday, like a week ago, and I just said, hey buddy, I'm coming out to New York. Okay, okay, here's how it worked. I called Stern on Friday and I said, just a personal call. I'm coming out to New York. I'll be there for the weekend. That's how I said it because I realized, I'm gonna go to the Axe Party Thursday night. I'm gonna get hammered. I don't wanna get up early morning and go do Stern. I love Stern, I love everybody, but I just wanna go get drunk and crash out and wake up at noon. I don't wanna think about it.

9:13 Drew And to think about Eastern time.

9:16 Adam And the thing about Stern too is you're working a little bit. I mean, it's a great time. It's like whitewater kayaking is a rush, but you don't wanna do it after getting blasted with Steve-O the night before.

9:29 Drew It's sparring with your buddy.

9:30 Adam Yeah, it's like I just wanna sleep in. So I specifically worded it to him. I said, I'm gonna be in for the weekend. I'm coming in over the weekend. You wanna get together, go out, get a drink or something? And he said, oh man, I'm leaving right after the show on Friday to go see my, go up to my kid's camp and up whatever, I'm going to the Hamptons. You wanna go to the Hamptons? I said, I can't, I got my buddy, we're staying at the blah, blah, and the blah, blah. He said, well, what time, when are you coming in? And I realized, don't start lying. So I said, Thursday night. And he said, oh perfect, you can do the show Friday morning. So sure enough, now I'm doing the show Friday morning. So I call Gary a couple days later, the producer, and I say, Gary, look, I just want to make sure, because when I talked to Stern, he was in the Hamptons again, at a barbecue or something. And I don't know if he talked to you, I just want to confirm I'm coming in Friday morning. And he said, fine, we're going to have Stephen Baldwin from seven to eight, and then we'll have you from eight on. And I said, all right, I said, that's good. I said, dad, let me give you a heads up on Baldwin. Baldwin has found Jesus Christ because he was in on it. I'm going to pray for you too, Adam. Will you?

10:42 Adam Thanks.

10:46 Adam That's Baldwin. So I said, now look, Baldwin is obnoxious guy. Everyone knows that. And he's been on this show many times, and we get along fine, but look, he's an obnoxious guy. And now he's found Jesus Christ. I put a couple zeros behind that obnoxious. I mean, look out for the guy. I'm giving you a heads up as a guy who's had him on my show since he found the good Lord. So he'll be in seven to eight. That's fine. See if you can shove him out of there at eight o'clock. I'll roll in and everything will work out just fine. So naturally, I roll in at five to eight. Where's Baldwin? He's not here yet, not here yet. Well, not here. He's running late. All right, well, where is he? He just shows up right as I walk in. All right, fantastic. All right, let's bring Adam out. All right, let's bring Adam comes out and sit there. What's going on? Yeah, we got Adam Carolla here. Stephen Baldwin's waiting to come out. I heard you said he was blowhard. Thump it on the Bible. You said he was a pain in the ass. You told Gary he's a pain in the ass. Yeah, I don't know. I remember what I said. You know, I said, you know, he's a man of Christ. Yeah, I heard you told Gary. Gary took notes. Gary said, come on, let's bring Stephen Baldwin out. Stephen, come on out. Stephen, come on, here, sit next to Adam here. So what is this, Adam? You're saying about Stephen Baldwin being a blowhard. You're telling Gary not to get out of here, not him on the show. So comfortable.

12:08 Drew What happened?

12:09 Adam So comfortable. So comfortable.

12:11 Drew Well, if anybody else had done that to you, you'd be yelling and screaming and carrying on and going to kick their butts. I hope you did that to start. I was. Naturally, that's how you treat anybody else.

12:20 Adam I was hungover. I drank, by mistake, three cans of Axe at the party that night. I just saw A, I thought it was alcohol. I was a little, I was loaded on some Stoli. I wasn't feeling great. I just, I was so busy defending myself and backpedaling that I couldn't get Angus on the defense, you know. Then, here's the one, two thing. So after that uncomfortable exchange that went on for me, you know, Stern goes 55 minutes without a break, by the way. And I'm talking literally 55 minutes without a commercial. After that uncomfortable exchange, I get rid of him. I walk out, I walk into the green room like, you know, he has 20 minute commercial breaks, too, because he goes like 50 minutes. I walk into the green room and it's like, oh, Christ, thank God that's over. There's Doug Stanhope, the guy who replaced me from The Man Show standing there. What are you doing here? I'm on the show.

13:14 Caller Uh-oh.

13:16 Adam And then, so then he comes in and we say, here's some bad blood between Adam and Ada. Never met the guy before. He's a nice enough guy. And as I've said many times, we quit the man show. I don't particularly care who, who filled, I don't care.

13:30 Drew What, Stern, is this how he shows love and respect by sabotage and ambush?

13:36 Adam Yeah, that's how he shows love and respect. So that was, it was particularly, also then Jimmy made sure and fire off an email to Stern explaining to him that I had surgery so my head wouldn't sweat. And of course that turned into, it'll be, they got about two and a half hours worth of fodder out of that mess.

13:58 Drew Can I tell you something?

13:59 Adam Yes.

13:59 Drew Somebody emailed Nicole, one of our K-Rock disc jockeys who leads into us sometimes, about your procedure. Apparently there's giant websites designed to sort of bring people together who've had adverse effects from this procedure.

14:15 Adam Yeah, fantastic.

14:16 Drew Yeah, so there's all these people that wanna talk, you wanna get to Adam, but listen.

14:18 Adam By the way, here's why I don't talk to you about anything, by the way.

14:21 Drew Because I get too negative?

14:23 Adam All you do is tell me negative things. And let me tell you, yes, yes, I may die from this procedure, but I gotta tell you.

14:29 Drew Your head don't sweat.

14:30 Adam Head don't sweat, number one, I'll be a dry corpse. Number one, number two, the hernia that you had me all worked into.

14:39 Drew I know, I hear about it.

14:41 Adam It's zero, zero, nothing, zero. Working the next day, never even thought about it.

14:44 Drew This is all sort of like chronic fatigue type symptoms, that kind of thing.

14:49 Adam Those are idiots.

14:49 Drew But there was something about nipple sensation here. When we get to that, yeah, yeah. Did your nipple sensation change?

14:54 Adam I swear to Christ, I felt my nipple then. I was like, hey, it's hard. No, what it was?

15:00 Drew You know, I couldn't.

15:01 Adam All right, Drew, get rid of that stuff.

15:02 Drew It's true, it's true.

15:03 Adam All right, so I'm still in New York, Drew. I'm not done.

15:05 Drew I'm sorry, I beg your pardon.

15:06 Adam I'm not done with New York. First off, when did you leave New York? Friday morning?

15:10 Drew Yeah, yeah, early.

15:11 Adam What time?

15:12 Drew Like seven o'clock.

15:13 Adam Oh, okay. It rained buckets and sheets.

15:17 Drew Oh, no kidding.

15:18 Adam On a Friday afternoon. And I got caught out in it and it was novelty, comical, like it only rains that way, East Coast kind of rain, where you see the rain hit the ground and the explosion of the rain as it hits the ground. You know what I mean? Novelty pouring. I mean, it just dumped. And me and my buddy, Chris, round on foot, 28 blocks from where we were. And just took a soaking, just doused, just drenched. I mean, it was 85 degrees, so it didn't really matter. But it was just novelty raining on Friday. And it rained all the way through Friday. Just dumped.

15:54 Drew Light and thunder, I think.

15:55 Adam No, just dumped rain, nonstop. And then it cleared up on Saturday. Took in a show, had a good time. Everything's great. Went to the museum too crowded. Come on.

16:08 Drew To the Met?

16:08 Adam Too many schools. Yeah, I went to Natural History. Yeah, it was on the weekend. All these kids, too many kids.

16:14 Drew Go to the Met.

16:14 Adam Let's see, you kids, you stay home. You got that internet now. You don't need the museum. Leave that to the old folks.

16:19 Drew There it is, hard, sore and sensitive nipples. See that? Hard.

16:23 Adam Hard. I did, I felt my nipple today. It was hard.

16:26 Drew And this.

16:26 Adam Kind of dug it.

16:27 Drew One of the other users on the thread goes, yeah, that nipple thing, what's up with that? Especially when working out.

16:36 Adam No, really?

16:37 Drew Is that right?

16:37 Adam No. No, maybe. Who the hell knows? Look, if you start thinking your nipples are hard, your nipples will be hard. If you start thinking your nipples are sensitive, they'll be sensitive. If you start thinking you're feeling tired, you'll feel tired. You start thinking about all this stuff, you'll feel it, you'll do it. I'm no monkey. I don't get into that. And then stop, get off the internet, everyone, except for you kids that want to go to the museum. You kids go to the-

17:00 Drew Instead of museum.

17:01 Adam Yeah, you kids go instead. Live in your own virtual masturbatory world and leave the real stuff for me. Yeah, police was packed. Went to the Intrepid, the aircraft carrier. Took a nice look at that. Got all those cool planes on there. Felt very patriotic. Everyone should walk around an aircraft carrier one of these days. Yeah, it's good times. But you know, you really realize how the terrorists have just completely effed it up for everyone constantly. It's just, New York is nonstop security. Constant metal detectors. I mean, you want to go look at a battleship, you got to stay in line for 20 minutes. Everyone going through the metal detector, clearing the purses out, doing the whole thing. I mean, I've seen the Intrepid before. I've been, it's an aircraft carrier, built World War II, had a few kamikaze hits, has a nice rich history. They mothballed it out in New York Harbor there. And you know, when I went eight years ago, you just walked right on, there you go, walk right on. Now it's like, no, get in line, strip search. You really realize, and I know it sounds like a cliche, but they've won. I'm just standing in line, getting rained on, waiting to go sit on a battleship. Ironically, a battleship is like, how much security do you need around stuff that we kicked your ass with? All right, big long line. And then you get to the airport. And let me say this with the airport too. I have no opinions on any of this stuff Drew, but a couple things. First off, JFK, they're doing like some $4 billion remodel on it out there in New York. That place is a dump.

18:33 Drew It has always been. It has been since like 65.

18:35 Adam It's been a dump for a good 35 years.

18:38 Drew United's got a nice new terminal.

18:39 Adam It, yeah, flew American, dump, dump, dump, and more dump. Okay, number one. Number two, it really doesn't instill much confidence in the traveler when the security changes from airport to airport so drastically. One place you're taking your shoes off, the other place you're not. One place they're opening up your bag and telling you you can't travel with a lighter, the other one you're not. One place you can take this, you can't take that. Really, not gonna standardize this one?

19:08 Drew And by the, where is it where they're taking the lighters out? What airport is that?

19:12 Adam That's JFK.

19:13 Drew Really?

19:14 Adam Drew, you're always wrong. You should always know.

19:17 Drew It's the little tiny airports where they're going over your toenails.

19:19 Adam I haven't been there. The point is, oh, maybe they're taking it out there. They're not doing it at LAX. Here's the point. Here's the thing about airport security. Airport security should be like a McDonald's. A Big Mac tastes exactly the same as a McDonald's and Pomona is a dozen of the one in Iowa, is a dozen of the one in Canada, is a dozen of the one in China. I'm imagining. Airport security, exactly same. Set of rules, set of regulations, same exact training. That's it. Same protocol, exactly. I don't like the idea that I'm taking my shoes off at one place and not at the other place. I don't want to take them off at all, but it makes me wonder about the other place. By the way, JFK, and here's the other thing, doesn't instill a lot of confidence or makes you just realize what idiots they all are. Everyone at JFK had to take their shoes off. And so that got you down to either your socks or a lot of people, like women, are just barefoot. They're just wearing sandals or whatever. Stretch of 42-year-old tile with grout, black is Vin, I'm trying, V-Rings, V-Rings. What else that black actor trying to think of his name? All right, you ain't going to come up with it. The point is, Ving Rhames, that's his name, that's his name. Oh, man, is that guy blind. Just the dirtiest floor you've ever seen, 40-year-old tile, and they ain't a, go down to Home Depot and get a runner for four bucks and roll it out. If you're going to have everyone take their shoes off and just walk across this thing. And then the point, you know, there's that little part where they coordinate off, makes it a little square, they need you to stand there. That thing had a small carpet sample on it, but it wasn't carpet. It was that outdoor carpet, that gray stuff that's about an eighth of an inch thick. There were 11 black gum spots on that one thing. I mean, they found it. It must've been something from outside that they brought in from a mechanics bay or something or rolled it out. You don't want to get a square decent thing. You're going to have people just stand barefoot on a 40-year-old gum, just standing here. Here's a kiddie pool filled with hepatitis and things that grow in Hippoflop. Here, why don't you sit in that?

21:34 Caller It was disgusting.

21:35 Adam It was novelty disgusting. Just this weird square with all the black marks. You know when you see like old gum that's been stuck in stuff and you're just standing there barefoot where a thousand other people stand barefoot before you? Really, that's as good as we're going to do. And everyone's taking their shoes off and we're not going to roll anything out or do anything. Everyone just walked through the filthy disgusting floor in their socks or their bare feet and then go stand on the gum carpet over here where there's actually more gum showing than carpet. That's your plan? No one wants to head down to the home club and drop 10 bucks, get a little something? Little square stand on nothing? Nope, okay. That doesn't instill confidence by the way. I mean, I swear to God, I thought I was in like Calcutta. It's like, who's running this? What's going on? How come they don't have anything? I had a thousand questions and of course, no answer. That's the way it goes. All right, Drew, what's up?

22:26 Drew Here we go.

22:27 Adam Here we go.

22:27 Drew Take a couple calls.

22:28 Adam Maybe one, maybe one.

22:29 Drew Maybe one call.

22:30 Adam Gotta have the gum spots. Gotta have the 11 gum spots there and the three foot by three foot square that you got.

22:37 Drew They gotta be petrified and ancient though.

22:39 Adam Yeah, you just had the person walk, you just had to walk down the Ho Chi Minh Trail barefoot. Why not just stand barefoot here? You gotta stand on the gum carpet. Is that a punishment or is that a good thing? I can't tell if it's a step up or a step down. It's clearly filthy, although the floor's filthy too. It's kinda tough, tough call. Well, I guess if you avoid the gum and you have to do it like you're playing Twister, you could actually stand there while some $8 an hour guy combed through a toiletry bag and found the Viagra. That's right, the condoms. That's right, the pocket porn. And the pocket pee, I can't say it, but it starts with a P.

23:16 Drew Is that what they found in yours?

23:18 Adam I'm always, oh.

23:19 Drew I get an interview about it.

23:20 Adam I'm always looking.

23:21 Drew I got to do Viagra as a club drug, if anybody has any comments about that phase call.

23:25 Adam I got stuff to do on driving, Drew. I got hours and hours and hours and hours. Let me just say this. We gotta take calls. We got to take calls.

23:35 Caller Yes.

23:36 Adam Let me say this. Here's what, on the way in, on the way into the airport, LAX, on an early Thursday morning. Oh, I got yelled at by the stewardess because I poured myself my own glass of champagne. Sir, this is not an open bar. You know what I said to her? Hey, first class, lighten up. She was best.

24:00 Drew That was it for the rest of the trip for you.

24:01 Adam You know what? Didn't punish me. Oh. But was PO'd, had a nice big nasty exchange on the ground with the stewardess who was like a grizzled veteran one, just pissed off. And again, you know my policy. You wanna ride in the back of the plane? You pay 271. You wanna ride in the front of the plane? You pay $3,700. You wanna pay an extra 3,300 and move up front? Fine. If not, shut your pie hole. And listen, bitch, start pouring some champagne. That's the thing. That's my thing. Let's get to it. It's three grand extra. It's not double. It's not double the price. It's not three times. It's not five times the price. It's 10 times the price to arrive at exactly the same time. And if the plane crashes, you know, the guys who, when the plane went into the Trade Center, guess what section hit the tower first?

24:54 Drew Got the best view.

24:55 Adam I'll tell you what section. First class. First class made first contact with the tower. That's what you get for an extra three grand. So start pouring, baby. That's my feeling. And I got no problem with it. I'm not gonna pretend. Screw you, go start pouring. They don't like that, but I mean, what do you want? Huh? Ooh, also came this close to out of the salmon.

25:15 Drew What?

25:16 Adam That was another one of my things.

25:17 Drew Out of the salmon. Oh, they were out of the salmon.

25:19 Adam They were out of something. That's the other one. That's my other policy with first class. You know, first class is, well, you get a movie. All right, there's eight bucks. Seats are four inches wider. All right, there's a couple hundred bucks. You get a couple of cocktails. All right, there's 30 bucks. Still, we haven't made a dent in that $3,300 price difference, have we? Yeah, well, here's the thing. Get your choice between, you can have the salmon or the ribeye, but half the time, they're out of it. And they're like, and my whole thing is like, hey, you're out of the salmon. All right, $800. Because that's, I mean, if you really break down the first class thing, isn't that, wouldn't the salmon be worth 800? All right, take off the 800 or go find me some salmon. And here's what you got to do. If you got 10 people in first class, you need Ted and ribeye and Ted salmon. That's it. If everyone gets, because that's what they'll do to you. They'll go, oh, everyone got the salmon. So all right, go get one. Yeah, they did it. But they found one. Ooh. I think it was like underneath a flotation pillow or a coach or something, but they found one.

26:23 Drew His first flight attendant.

26:25 Adam Oh, I feel so sorry for them. I get liquored up, get out of my mind.

26:29 Drew The humanity.

26:30 Adam Me, the next Paul Abdul.

26:33 Drew Were you?

26:33 Adam Yeah, on the flight over. She was talking on the cell phone and Hannah's doing me immediately. It was a guy I knew.

26:39 Drew Oh, how funny is that?

26:40 Adam Yeah, I don't know what the hell. I don't know how he knew I was sitting next to her, but Michelle?

26:45 Drew Probably heard you complaining.

26:46 Caller Yes?

26:47 Adam You don't need a phone to hear me complain. You just open your window.

26:50 Drew That's what I'm saying.

26:52 Adam Michelle?

26:53 Caller Yeah?

26:53 Adam Yeah, 23, we're running up against the break, baby. We gotta pay some bills.

26:57 Drew What's going on? We'll talk to you though.

27:00 Adam Yeah, what's your problem?

27:04 Caller First of all, my periods used to always be regular, like every 28 or 29 days. And the last like maybe like five or six months, they'd been like between 20 and 34 days or so. And we were, I was having sex on Friday morning. It was like three in the morning. And our condom broke and we didn't realize it till after. So I went to the plan period and I got the morning after pill and I took it. Good girl. But I, my last period was the 24th of last month. So it would have been, it would have been the 20 or 32 days. And I still haven't got my period yet, but I've had cramps like I'm gonna be getting it.

27:46 Adam You see Drew, you want to hear my airport jag or are we gonna do math with Michelle?

27:50 Drew The deal is the morning after pill will screw your period up for a month or two for sure. So now all bets are off. The fact is you should be menstruating any day now. You still have a potential fertile period here. You did exactly the right thing going on the morning after pill that you got there within a day. That put your wrist down to around one out of 10 of getting pregnant, maybe two out of 10. And your periods are gonna be messed up for a while. Don't worry about it. Right now they get messed up. And now once you've regularized again, you can go back and get checked out. You may have a cyst or endometriosis or something like that. But the difference between 28 and 32 days in a period is not a big deal.

28:23 Adam Fine.

28:23 Drew Relax.

28:24 Adam All right, we gotta take a break.

28:25 Drew And we gotta hear some more airplanes.

28:26 Adam Well, let me just say this. Let me just say this.

28:28 Drew Yeah, just this.

28:30 Adam This is a ride to the 2LAX. Town car drivers had a great one on the way back. On the way, cab drivers, oh, I love those New York cabbies, maniacs, maniacs.

28:41 Drew See, I found the only one who drove slower than people walked.

28:46 Adam Town car guys can do that, but the cabbies are maniacs.

28:49 Drew Usually.

28:50 Adam Yeah, I had nothing but maniacs in New York. And I realized the reason they're maniacs is because they drive with impunity. They don't get tickets. And when you don't get a ticket, and the meter's literally running, you try to get from point A to point B as fast and as efficiently as you possibly can. I realized LA's full of such chicken-ass cops and filled with such ticket rights. The policy in LA is really just bend over and rape who's ever driving it, whenever there's an open opportunity for it. So everyone drives like pussies in LA. Conversely, we don't go anywhere because everyone is scared to death. And then every once in a while, the reardon or whatever other nut jobs and charge gets up and makes a little speech about getting LA moving. Stop giving out chicken-ass tickets and we'd move. Everyone's scared to death and we can't drive. And that's why LA cab drivers drive so slowly because if you're driving a hack for a living and you're gonna ticket every two and a half weeks, you're screwed. So why not just drive slow? Just drive slow and don't take any chances because they give out such chicken-ass tickets in this city.

29:58 Drew You're talking to me.

29:59 Adam I'm talking to you, all right.

30:00 Drew I've still got my declaration. What the hell is called the court by declaration?

30:05 Adam I swear to Christ, it was the only good thing that ever came on 9-Eleven is I had one day to drive like a man. I just realized, everyone, screw it. I was doing 90 on the freeway, just F it. No one's giving out tickets today, I decided. Yeah, that's right. That's the only good thing. All right, and again, what section hit the building first, Drew?

30:23 Drew First class.

30:24 Adam That's right. So drop the attitude and start pouring the bubbly. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

30:38 Mark your calendar, the Olympics in Athens are coming August 13th to the Networks of NBC.

30:50 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline, I'm Adam, it's Dr. Drew over there. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1, Drew. We gotta take some calls, buddy.

31:00 Drew That would be good.

31:01 Adam Let me say this first. Then we gotta take some calls.

31:03 Drew That would be good.

31:04 Adam Let me say this, though. And then we're going right to the phones.

31:06 Drew That would be great.

31:07 Adam So that's what drives the show.

31:08 Drew Yeah, generally.

31:09 Adam Let me tell you the stars of the show. You guys, the callers, they're the stars. We just man the mics and get paid. And you guys don't get paid, but you're the stars.

31:18 Drew Tonight, the stars will not have an appearance. They're the guest star.

31:21 Adam It's a guest star. It's starring Adam Carolla. We get in the car on Sunday morning at like the crack of F, say about six in the morning, and I go to bed at two. And we're heading out to the airport. I don't know, the guy who's driving the town car gets me started. It doesn't take much, but I got going on my left turn arrow. And I start going bananas on this guy. Left, what's wrong with these left turn arrows? Why are they turning red? The signal's green, the arrow's red. We should drive through them. And they're springing up all over town. And they're coming. No, no, this is in LA.

31:56 Drew This is out here, I see.

31:56 Adam Out here in LA. They're all over town now, all over town. And there's more popping up. Just drove through downtown on the way back, arrows everywhere. Put more in in Culver City. What's it, and again, anyone who's listening to the show, I encourage you, especially if you're in the Los Angeles area, drive through the red arrow.

32:13 Drew And I'll remind you that one of the great cultural advantages about Pasadena, where I live, is that it's left turn yield. Left turn yield.

32:21 Adam Right, they trust adults to actually drive.

32:23 Drew Green arrow, you got free access. Otherwise it's yield to oncoming traffic.

32:27 Adam Right, now here are the rules. If your signal is green, it's not driving through a red arrow when your signal is red. That means your signal's red and you're driving through a red. If the signal is green and there's no oncoming traffic and there's no pedestrians crossing the street, drive through the red arrow. I do it all day. Did a great one in Burbank yesterday. Stack of eight cars. Went around them and it's next lane. Love that move. You Lemmings, you guys just wait there. Have your life just melt away while you're waiting for the man to give you the nod and let you turn. Even though there's no traffic coming, you pussies wait there for the man. But the Ace man, he got things to do. He's got to pick up Chinese takeout. Know what I mean? Important mission. Here's the point. I'm telling the driver about this. He shares my disgust, but not really. He's not outraged like the rest of the Los Angelenos should be, and they're not. No one's picked this up but me. And he says to me, you know what's worse? You know what's worse? And I said to him, nothing. You're not gonna do better than this. And he goes, oh yeah, oh yeah. And I said, I know it ain't gonna be worse. Whatever you say, it ain't gonna be worse. And he said, I'll tell you what's worse. When you're driving and you're on the freeway and there's some guy right on your tail, and he won't leave you alone. And I said, worse? You're not going fast enough. And he's like, well, that's what I said. Look, here's what that means. You either get out of the way or you speed up. What do you mean worse? I like that guy. Hold on, that's me. I'm behind you now. Not even in the car. We're communicating via intercom. He's like, oh, I don't know, man. I mean, you're driving and that guy's right up on. He's trying to get somewhere. He's trying to get from point A to point B. You're not going fast enough. Get out of the way. I just knew when he said, it's worse. I just, I knew not only is this not, it's like one of our callers, when they call and they have, they say, y'all tell you why they have an answer for us or something. I know not only is this not going to be worse, it's going to be the opposite of that. It's going to be the worst example.

34:26 Drew This could have gotten worse further away.

34:27 Adam It's going to be the worst example you could come up with. Yeah, somebody's driving fast. That's the worst. I knew when he said that and I even, I cut him off. I said, this is not going to be worse.

34:39 Drew Right turn arrows, red right turn arrows are kind of nasty.

34:41 Adam Right turn. Yeah, yeah. Everyone drive through them, please. Everyone drive through them, please. Anna? You're 18. I'm going to start keeping track. I swear to Christ, I've driven through 1500 by now.

34:53 Drew Wow.

34:53 Adam Yeah, never got a ticket. And if I get a ticket tonight, I'll be happy. I'll laugh like a maniac.

34:58 Drew By the way, I've tried, I tried creating a right to, responding to my ticket by trial, by declaration.

35:03 Adam Yes.

35:04 Drew Where you have the privilege of paying your ticket.

35:06 Adam Drew, we got to take some calls. We can't be talking about Drew.

35:08 Drew I just want to know what happened to my trial, by declaration. Can't get a response.

35:11 Adam Not gonna work, not gonna work. Anna?

35:14 Yeah?

35:14 Adam How can we help you tonight, sweetie?

35:16 Okay, well, I seriously, like, I don't know what to do. I feel really bad, but I have problems having sex, and I'm not sure how to work around it.

35:27 Drew What's the problem? What's the problem?

35:29 Well, like, I can't have sex with my boyfriend. And I have sex with other people, though. Ooh.

35:35 Drew Why?

35:36 Adam Yeesh.

35:36 Drew Yeah.

35:37 Adam That's screwed up.

35:40 Well, I don't know.

35:43 Adam Wait a second. You say other people. How many other people?

35:46 Like, I don't even know.

35:50 Adam And where do you meet these other people?

35:53 A lot of them are friends, like, just randomly, kind of, or-

35:59 Drew And yet you can't do it with your boyfriend?

36:01 No.

36:01 Drew Does your boyfriend know you're like this?

36:03 No.

36:05 Drew And you think that's not screwed up?

36:08 Well, no, that's why I'm calling, because I need help.

36:11 Adam All right, hold on a second. I'm giving you two choices, either bogus, or B, you're just severely screwed up. Well, this is really screwed up for an 18-year-old. So what happened to you? Where's your dad? What did he do to you before he left?

36:27 My dad didn't do anything. My dad's awesome, but my uncle kind of, I don't know.

36:36 Adam What'd your uncle do?

36:36 I've been raped a couple of times.

36:37 Drew He what?

36:38 I've been raped a couple of times. And once was by my boyfriend a long time ago, a different guy. And it just kind of freaks me out every time.

36:50 Adam What about your uncle? Forget about it. Forget your boyfriend. What about your uncle?

36:54 Drew It's a very definite, bogus field to this one. But go ahead. We'll keep trying.

37:01 He, I met him, I didn't know him for a long time.

37:04 Drew No, your uncle, you said that.

37:05 I met him when I was around 11 or 12. And just had a bad experience. What? Well, he gave me stuff to drink. Cause I'd never tasted alcohol before. My parents are pretty religious. My dad's a pastor actually. And I don't know. I just remember like him making me do stuff that I didn't want to do.

37:33 Adam Yeah, there's a bogus quality to it. Although there are elements of specific information, like I hadn't met him before. And I wonder if there's a guy putting her up to it. It sounds like there's- It's a puzzle with a couple missing pieces.

37:52 Drew Yeah, we have no other option but to keep going.

37:54 Adam All right, Anna. So your uncle then did what after he got you drunk?

38:02 Drew Anna, what did he do? Let me explain.

38:07 Adam Let me just explain something to everybody. I just did a half an hour on New York and driving and cabs.

38:18 Drew He would happily launch into an hour.

38:21 Adam Watch out.

38:21 Drew He will, he'll do it. He's a loaded gun. He's wild.

38:24 Adam I got two goddamn hours in me, kids. You understand? If I gotta fight you for any answers, I'm going right into it again. That's it. I'm not gonna squeeze you like a bar rag to try to ask the same question four times. I wanna know what your uncle did to you. I'm sorry he did it to you, but I wanna know what he did to you. And I wanna beat around the bush anymore. So Anna?

38:43 Caller Yeah.

38:44 Adam Drew, tell her where my finger is.

38:45 Drew Finger's about four centimeters above the hold button here.

38:47 Adam Tell her where my other finger is.

38:49 Drew Up his nose.

38:51 Adam Now.

38:51 Caller All right.

38:54 He made me give him oral sex. And then he did it to me. And I didn't.

39:00 Drew How old were you at the time?

39:01 I was like 11. I had no idea what was even going on.

39:05 Drew How old was he?

39:06 He didn't even know like what sex was at that point.

39:08 Drew How old was he?

39:08 About 30 probably.

39:12 Drew Yeah, you can wipe that off on your shirt now, Anna. On my finger? On your finger, sorry. And how is it you had to be alone with him where he could feed you alcohol? How did that all happen?

39:23 Well, cause he came down to visit us and then he told my parents that he was gonna take me fishing and so we went fishing for the day.

39:31 Drew Good enough, that's specific enough.

39:34 Adam This is abuse.

39:36 Drew So you were sexually abused when you were 11 years old, which you almost made it. When things happen after 12, the cement is a little drier in the brain, but 11, it can really screw you up. And the fact is, what happens is, one of the ways to think about this is you end up sort of fractured inside with sort of a good self and a bad self. And anything that has to do with sex is attached to a bad and dirty part of yourself. Do you think of yourself as bad? And so you can only do that with people that you don't actually feel intimate with. You sort of feel like you can expose this bad side of part of yourself and not be hurt. While the boyfriend is somebody you actually care about, no, sex doesn't connect to that at all. You can't be sexual with that person. And it's a split in who you are and that all needs to be reintegrated and that's where therapy works and how it works.

40:16 Adam Anna, you need a ton of therapy.

40:18 Drew Yeah.

40:20 Adam Sorry, baby doll.

40:20 Drew And thankfully this didn't happen when you were three. I mean, there's 11 you can treat this.

40:23 Adam And let me tell you, your uncle's really a hero for not having intercourse with you. He really is.

40:29 Drew American hero.

40:29 Adam He's a true American. That jackass needs a bullet in his head. Is he dead? Is he in prison?

40:35 And actually we have a pretty good relationship now.

40:37 Drew Oh my God, stay away from him. This guy's a bad person. Who's the brother or sister of?

40:42 My mom.

40:45 Adam Yeah, your mom was sexually abused.

40:47 Drew Yeah, so I'm having her too.

40:48 Adam Sorry.

40:49 Yeah, I heard her dad used to.

40:51 Adam Oh, hold on a second.

40:52 Drew Shock.

40:53 Adam Shocking.

40:54 Drew Can't believe it.

40:55 Adam Yeah, and listen all you a-holes who call this show at the time. What do you say? Everyone is sexually abused. How do you know her mom is sexually abused? Shut up.

41:03 Drew Just that works.

41:04 Adam That's how it works. But we're all individuals. Shut up. You are not. That's how it works.

41:10 Drew You're individuals under the force of certain phenomena.

41:15 Adam Yeah. How come none of us can escape the grasp of gravity? We're all individuals. Tough.

41:23 Drew Tough.

41:24 Adam Of course, her mom was molested. That's where the brother thought it was a good idea to get some oral from an 11-year-old. And by the way, how? First off, I don't know what, I can't think of anything creepier than getting it on with your sister's kid or your brother's kid. And Drew never sees it this way, but what a colossal F-U to the brother or sister. I mean, it's one thing to borrow three grand and not pay him back or to crash your car or something, F-ing their kid. That's just a ridiculous F-U to the brother or the sister.

42:03 Drew It's F-U to everybody. Nobody matters, nobody cares. You don't exist to these people.

42:08 Adam Right. And listen, folks, please, I can speak freely as an atheist. I have no bounds. And also we're in safe harbor. All you guys that just think that this is a good idea, just eat a bullet, would you? Just have a little dignity. Put a shotgun in your mouth, would you? Or just say, carbon monoxide's a nice out too.

42:27 Drew There actually are treatments before you actually do, before you do something to somebody, and then you can enchant it. Go ahead and access National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity's got some access to our website.

42:37 Adam All right, but if you don't want to get treatment, I got a treatment for you. Bullet in the mouth, you do the trigger with your big toe, you gotta take your shoes off. All right, just like security over at JFK.

42:49 Drew Shoes off.

42:50 Adam Yeah, except for your floor's gonna be a little cleaner than what they had over there. Oh, okay, Drew. We gotta take a break. Do an extended break because I got, I got, Drew, you don't, okay, okay, I really, okay. It was like a challenge from Fear Factor, really. Take your shoes off and walk 30 feet in a airport that hasn't been mopped since 1963. Just gum all over the floor, scuzzy grout. Oh, okay, take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

43:28 1-800-LOVE-191.

43:30 Caller The loveline will be right back.

43:32 Drew Hey Adam. You know how guys have trouble with confidence and going out and dating and meeting girls? We have a solution.

43:56 Adam Hey everybody, it's the Loveline. Hey, Engineer Chris, get on that computer box there. Find out when the bars open in New York City.

44:12 Drew When they open.

44:13 Adam When they open. They're all open, there's a time. There's an official time, because here's the thing. This has come up before. I don't know if you know this about me, Drew. I like to have a smart cocktail before I get on the plane.

44:27 Drew A smart one.

44:27 Adam Yeah, loosens the nerves up just a little bit, makes me a better flyer, you know what I'm saying? New York, they don't open that bar till noon.

44:36 Yeah, at least.

44:38 Adam And I, no, it's noon, it's noon in JFK. And I realize by noon, 85,000 people have come through here. 30,000 of them would have liked Bloody Mary.

44:49 Drew By the way, 20,000 of them are in some other time zone.

44:56 Adam For 20,000 of them, it's 12.45 in the evening. That's right. That's right. And by the way, they should factor that in. Hey baby, it ain't nine in the morning. Good mwah. I was in Singapore. It's, to me, it's 4 a.m., two days before this. So serve it up, would you, baby? That's the thing. So JFK, no booze until noon. And I thought to myself, now LAX, I think you can start boozing about 8 a.m. or something like that. I'd like to figure that out. But here's the thing. Do we need to change, does it, I scream about a little uniformity every once in a while.

45:33 Drew It's a confederation of states.

45:35 Adam Does every TV remote gotta have the power in a different place? Does every hotel shower have to have a different configuration to work the hot and the cold? Does age of consent need to be four in Hawaii and 26 in Iowa? Can we just go ahead and figure some things out so I can get my goddamn bearings straight? Here's the thing, you leave LAX, you have a booze at 7.30 in the morning. You're leaving JFK two days later, you want to bloody marry at 10.45, it ain't happening. And I'm thinking to myself, hey, Jackoff, I'm not flying the plane. First off, I'm gonna be on the plane for the next six hours. Where am I going? Number two, you should hope I get a little booze and fall asleep on the plane. Number three, why not? What am I doing? What's going on? Why noon? And like I said, most people travel in the morning. I mean, they really do. I swear to Christ, I don't know if I've even taken a flight that's been afternoon. Every flight, it takes an 8 a.m. or 10 a.m. or 7 a.m. flight. Whatever, open a goddamn bar and give people what they want. Or just make it a time and just figure it out. Call it 9 a.m. throughout the country, and then we would all know what the rules were. There's nothing worse, and by the way, you never feel like more of an alcoholic than when you show up. And they got the guy standing behind the bar at the, you know, the captain's nest up there. He's staying there in case some wuss wants some OJ, and you just go up to him and like, hey, how about give me a blame? Oh, I'm sorry, sir, we don't open till... And it's like, it's 8.26 in the morning. What, I got nine hours? Just, you can't serve something? No. Really? What am I gonna do, crash the plane? What's going on? Why can't we just standardize this? And really, New York, you guys, all you do over there is brag about how your bar stay open two hours longer than ours. How about your airport, huh? Bring that up. Gotta bring a flask into that place. Did you find out, find out anything, Chris? Cause I, let me tell you something. If I find out that the airport is later than the city, I'm gonna be a one man killing machine. That you guys just arbitrarily decided to punish people this way. Find out anything? No.

47:40 Caller They open up at 11.30.

47:42 Drew This one. This one, if any more.

47:45 Adam First off, it's not 11. It can't be 11.30. It's gonna be 11 or it's gonna be 12. True, you may have to get up. You may have to get up. You may have to go.

47:54 Drew Heather, 17.

47:59 Caller And I've been having sex for like a year now. And I keep getting bladder infections. And like my friends tell me it's from sex. And like some people like-

48:12 Drew It's called honeymoon cystitis. That's the old name for it.

48:17 Caller And I guess that's-

48:18 Adam People used to wait till they're on their honeymoon. Now they're given oral at 11 and anal at 13. So Heather, do you have a steady boyfriend?

48:31 Caller Yeah, we've been like dating for almost two years.

48:36 Adam And are you using protection?

48:37 Caller Most of the time.

48:39 Drew Ooh, are you planning to get pregnant?

48:43 Caller Like once or twice, like it slipped off and we didn't stop. And do you take the morning after pill after that? No, but it's been a long time since it happened.

48:54 Drew But why-

48:55 Adam She makes quite a compelling argument, as they always do. Touche.

48:59 Drew Yeah, you got me there, got me.

49:00 Adam You see that, Drew?

49:01 Drew It's been a while.

49:02 Adam Next time you think before you open your mouth.

49:04 Drew Imagine that. Excuse me.

49:06 Adam A couple of times the condom slipped off and we finished up.

49:10 Drew But it's been a long time. Heather, next time, you get that morning after pill, you keep it in the medicine cabinet. Because if that happens again, you take the pill immediately. Condom's fine, but you need to back up in case they fail once in a while. As far as the bladder infections go, some women take antibiotics every time they have sex. Some take them chronically, some take them only when they get the infections. You need to talk to your doctor about it and be prepared and tell him why and how it's happening, him or her, how or why it's happening, and they'll get something going for you. All right. It's pretty simple now.

49:39 Adam Let's see if we can go quick here.

49:41 Guest Laura?

49:43 Adam You're 21?

49:44 Guest Yeah. Adam, I want to say, I want to give you a bit of random information first. Did you know that the average person waits over two weeks during their lifetime for the signal to change green?

49:56 Drew Yeah. That's just a standard signal.

50:00 Adam If you work in the Culver City area, go ahead and make it three months, and you're getting sodomized during that three months. It's not actually waiting. You're actually being raped from behind. But thank you, yes.

50:14 Guest And Drew, I can't wait for your next book to come out.

50:17 Drew Well, I got one coming out July 30th, as a matter of fact.

50:19 Guest Oh, exciting.

50:20 Drew It's called When Painkillers-

50:23 Adam Attack?

50:23 Drew No, When Painkillers Become Danger, I think it's called that.

50:26 Adam I thought it was called When Talking About Painkillers Becomes Boring. Yeah.

50:30 Drew But this actually isn't like a memoir like the other one. This is a factual book that some doctors and I wrote.

50:36 Adam So, hold on, how you doing, engineer Chris? You find-

50:39 Drew He's good, Adam, he's good.

50:40 Adam You doing all right? What do you have? Do you find out when bars open in New York City? There's no time?

50:47 Drew Leave the boy alone.

50:49 Adam Focus on junior college, huh?

50:51 Guest Okay, my problem is I kind of had this online friend that I've known for like the past five years and he emailed me about a year and a half like after not hearing from him in like a year or two. And we started talking and we eventually started talking on the phone and stuff like that. And we got like really into each other and he actually lives out in California and we had made plans like a bunch of different times like to see each other and there was-

51:17 Adam All right, hold on a second. I heard Laura's voice. I had her, she came in about 1.55 and it's like I read Drew's first book. Okay, now we're at 1.72. Waiting for his next book. We're at 1.80, 85 now. Online, oh, 2.05, Boyfriend, Different State, 2.35. I couldn't keep up with the way you-

51:37 Drew All right, we're gonna talk to her after the break.

51:38 Adam All right, all right, now hold on a second there, Laura. Take a quick break. Drew's gonna get on the internet, find out when the bar's open in New York City and we'll be right back after this.

51:46 Alright guys, here's the deal. You're looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

51:52 Caller One call is all you need to make.

51:53 Caller Call the Dateline. 877-889-DATE. Call the Dateline.

52:38 Adam Hey everybody, it's Love Line, I'm Adam. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Drew is hard at work, searching Google right now, trying to find out when you can legally consume alcohol in New York, in the state of New York. Now, here in Los Angeles, and I don't know if it moves around California, but in Los Angeles, you can start boozing at 7 a.m. You know what?

53:09 Drew Oh, 6 a.m. Sorry.

53:11 Adam Yeah.

53:11 Drew My alcoholic who works here.

53:13 Adam Well, now I gotta set my alarm, Anderson. I gotta move it up an hour. Yeah, now here's the thing. In Los Angeles, if you're going to a 7-Eleven, you wanna buy a six pack, you can't buy anything between 2 a.m. and 6 a.m. And that's a four hours, it feels like four days to many of my friends, myself included. You don't wanna miss that 2 a.m. window. Then you gotta stand out there for four hours, Drew.

53:36 Drew Fantastic, I'm sorry, Adam.

53:38 Adam Yeah, just standing out front of a 7-Eleven until you start seeing the sun coming up, sprinklers turning on, birds chirping, people walking their dogs. And then you go in and get that sixer. The point is, is New York always bragging that they serve till 4 a.m. But I don't know what time they open up again. And if it's JFK, it ain't opening up until noon. And I find that an outrage.

54:03 Drew How dare they?

54:03 Adam I am outraged. Do you hear me?

54:06 Drew It really almost doesn't matter because it's all the time zone issues, whatever.

54:10 Adam Here's the whole thing about airports. Airports should be international waters. There really should be. They just, because you've been flying all night, you took the red eye, the time zones, wherever. Plus, your culture, in your culture, everything may be legal. Maybe you're coming from a place where prostitution and gambling, here's the thing. There should be prostitution, gambling, and boozing at airports. There really should be. It should all just be like the Vegas airport, McCarran. All right, Drew is searching. If someone has an answer to this, although again, I have almost zero confidence in our listeners.

54:44 Drew I'm also looking for somebody to tell me about Viagra as a club drug. It's something I'm looking for information about.

54:48 Adam Well, you take it so you can get a boner.

54:50 Drew I understand that, but why? Why?

54:53 Adam With club drug, maybe you're slipping it into someone's drink.

54:58 Drew Maybe, but then the same thing.

55:00 Adam Laura?

55:01 Guest Yeah.

55:02 Drew All right, so now, Laura who read my books.

55:05 Adam Oh yeah, that's right. Laura from Minnesota.

55:07 Guest And I'm not fat, Adam.

55:10 Adam I'll figure that out. How much do you weigh?

55:11 Guest I weigh 132. I went to the neurologist on Friday.

55:15 Drew Why are you a neurologist?

55:17 Guest I have a seizure disorder.

55:19 Drew Oh, interesting.

55:19 Adam I'm going to hell.

55:21 Drew Yes, you are, good times.

55:23 Adam Sorry, baby doll.

55:24 Guest That's all right.

55:25 Adam All right, so you met somebody over the internet.

55:28 Guest Yeah, like we were just kind of online friends and he kind of-

55:32 Adam They live in California. Hey, in Minnesota, what time do the bars close? I think 1 a.m. 1 a.m. and what time can we start boozing again?

55:40 Guest I want to say like seven.

55:43 Adam Yeah, smart. Hey, Drew, why don't you go to some website for some convenience store that's open 24 hours in New York and they'll tell you when they stop selling and start selling booze and that's the hour.

55:59 Drew Do convenience stores have regulations like that? I thought serving was different than carrying out.

56:06 Adam Didn't I just tell you the whole 7-Eleven thing?

56:10 Drew No.

56:11 Adam I'm saying I have to stand out in front of the 7-Eleven for four hours until they... Anderson, am I going to stand here? You did say that.

56:19 Caller Obviously, they don't listen.

56:21 Adam No, listen. Here's how you figure it out. Go to the 7-Eleven in your town. They stop selling six packs at a certain time and they start selling them at a certain time. Those are the times. You know what I mean? I didn't realize that was the case. It's not at bars and stuff. It's got nothing to do with serving or bars may not open until later in the afternoon. Go to a place that's open 24 hours. They'll let you know when you can buy. Yes, Drew? All right. Sorry you had to endure that, Laura. How dare you not listen to me? How dare you tune out, Drew?

56:52 Drew At least I was on a task on your behalf here.

56:54 Adam That's true. That's true.

56:56 Drew I'm trying to do two things for you at the same time.

56:58 Adam All right, all right. So Laura.

57:01 Guest Yeah.

57:01 Adam You met a guy on the internet.

57:03 Guest No, I never met him. We talked a lot and we seemed like really into each other.

57:08 Adam I didn't mean meet in person. I just meant you came together on the internet.

57:13 Guest Exactly.

57:14 Adam He lives in California. You're out in Minnesota. You were gonna, how long did you have this relationship over the internet?

57:24 Guest He emailed me around Christmas of 2002. So we like talked for about a year and a half.

57:30 Adam Year and a half. And what did he tell you about himself?

57:34 Guest I don't know. Like my mom and my sister like started to like not believe a lot of the things that like he was saying. So they hired a private investigator.

57:44 Drew Oh my gosh.

57:45 Guest Like, couldn't really find anything like he pleased.

57:48 Drew But why did you get so into it with this guy? Why just end it? You have a weird feeling, just forget it. It's not a real relationship anyway.

57:54 Guest Yeah, my question is though, it's like he like got a girlfriend recently and I was kind of hurt because I kind of, obviously I was into him and I felt like he kind of.

58:05 Drew Well, you never met him.

58:06 Guest Yeah, I know. But it's like, I felt like he owed it to me to come and see me or let me go out and see him. And it's like, I want to get help from him.

58:12 Drew Listen, this is not a relationship. This is not, you don't, this could be a female, probably, you know.

58:18 Adam It's like the Easter bunny owes you.

58:19 Drew Yeah, and this is a fantasy. Who knows who this person is or what they're about. You can't rely on a relationship on the web.

58:25 Adam Let me say this to everyone and Drew, stop focusing for one second.

58:29 Drew God, I thought I had it here. I've got a paper called Responsible Alcohol Sales.

58:33 Adam Anderson's got it, you should kill yourself, Drew.

58:35 Drew What do you got, Anderson?

58:38 Adam Anderson?

58:39 I don't have a mic, apparently.

58:40 Hold on, 8 a.m. That can start selling again.

58:43 Adam 8 a.m., you can start selling booze again in New York.

58:47 Sunday's at seven.

58:49 Caller I mean, it's the Sunday's at noon.

58:51 Drew Four. It was a Sunday when you were there.

58:53 Guest No, no, I just looked it up on the web.

58:55 Drew Yeah, but Adam was there on a Sunday, right?

58:57 Adam Yeah, but I've been there on weekdays, too.

58:59 Drew Also noon.

59:00 Adam Yeah, yeah, thanks, Anderson.

59:02 Caller Markets aren't allowed to sell it till noon any day.

59:05 Adam Markets aren't allowed to sell it till noon anyway?

59:08 Caller Any day of the week.

59:09 Adam Any day of the week.

59:10 Drew 24-hour march have to stop at 3 a.m. How'd you find this?

59:14 Adam On Google. And Drew's been on Google for 45 minutes.

59:20 Drew I'm still intense, I'm gonna find it myself.

59:21 Adam Hey, doctor? Hey, doctor? Hey, doctor? Come on over.

59:26 Drew I will.

59:26 Adam Well, you were just beat out with a guy of, he's got a tat of, Come on, film. He's got film tattooed on his arm.

59:36 Caller Type this in bars, New York, open, close, hours, law.

59:41 Adam Thank you, Anderson, you're a genius.

59:42 Drew That's not a lot.

59:43 Adam It's going away, it's but you're a genius. All right, hey, Laura. Yeah. All right, so let me say this, and Drew, over here, buddy. Here's the thing. People on the internet, guys on the internet, they fall into two categories. One is just total loser who's got nothing going and can't meet chicks and has no confidence, it's a mess. The other sort of predator.

1:00:04 Drew Yeah.

1:00:04 Adam The other sort of-

1:00:05 Drew And it's trickster predator.

1:00:06 Adam Yeah, no, that's the thing, serial humper. I mean, there's guys who are using the internet because if you saw them in real life, you'd never say yes to a date on them and they're a bag of nerves and nothing's gonna work with them in person, eye to eye. And then there's a guy who uses it like a drag net. Oh man, I don't have to just pull up one fish at a time. I'll just cast my net out and just get a whole bunch of stuff going on.

1:00:31 Drew Yeah, he's absolutely right, Laura.

1:00:32 Adam And those are the two guys. If you're lucky, you find the guy who can't look you in the eye.

1:00:37 Drew Yeah, that's the best. But Laura, I mean, for years with this guy and she has weird feelings about him, he's lying to her and distorting things, of course, of course.

1:00:45 Adam Laura, what's going on? Just find yourself a guy in the neighborhood, would you please?

1:00:48 Guest It's hard though, like, I don't know.

1:00:51 Drew It can't be that hard.

1:00:52 Guest I don't really know where to be looking, so.

1:00:55 Drew Well, in reality.

1:00:56 Adam Do you have a job?

1:00:57 Guest Yeah.

1:00:59 Adam Would you do something with the nursing or kids or something?

1:01:02 Guest No, I hate kids.

1:01:03 Adam Good.

1:01:03 Guest I'm a waitress.

1:01:05 Adam Waitress.

1:01:05 Drew You must meet people at work.

1:01:06 Adam And that guy's hitting on you at work. First off, every guy who manages a restaurant tries to F everybody who works there.

1:01:12 Drew Strangely enough, he's the same guy on the web that's sending out his bag. That's right.

1:01:15 Adam And then when I say everyone, I'm talking about the smart and final guy who drops off the stuff, the SE. Rykhoff guy. I'm talking about the guy who cleans the flues. I'm talking about the janitor, F-ing everybody. Everyone who comes through that door, they try to F. Kids, animals, doesn't matter. How come people at work aren't trying to get in your pants?

1:01:37 Guest I don't know.

1:01:38 Adam And what kind of restaurant do you work at?

1:01:43 Guest It's like a pancake house. You guys actually have a mountain California, so.

1:01:47 Adam Yeah, IHOP?

1:01:49 Guest No, it's the original pancake house. You guys have one in Anaheim.

1:01:52 Adam Okay, I'm gonna get out there after the show.

1:01:55 Guest It's delicious and nutritious.

1:01:57 Adam Yeah, oh, it's nothing better for you than melted imitation butter with blueberry sauce.

1:02:04 Drew Does it have the giant wheel-o syrup?

1:02:06 Adam That's what I love. I love that wheel. I love spinning that wheel. Let fate decide what I'm gonna put on top of my flapjacks. Spin that wheel of syrup. Oh, that is great. I gotta get stoned and get into one of those places.

1:02:21 Drew Laura, just get involved in reality. Don't go in the fantasy world. Get focused on what is in your actual life, in real life.

1:02:28 Adam There ain't nothing better than when the syrup bleeds onto the sausage.

1:02:33 Drew That's good, yeah.

1:02:34 Adam Yeah, and it starts dripping onto the sausage. That's a big stack of those Johnnys, nothing better than that. I forget about pancakes. Pancakes are good.

1:02:44 Drew Yeah, yeah, my kids eat pancakes a lot.

1:02:45 Adam And let me tell you something. You can do at home with pancakes is good, but it's different and it ain't that. It's not what you get at the pancake houses. There's something about it. I can't say that it's better or worse. It's just different. It's not as good. There's something about the uniformity of the size. They don't get the air bubbles in them. They're a little flatter, a little more uniform. They're a little thinner. There's just something about them. Let the pros handle the flapjacks is what I'm saying.

1:03:12 Drew You need a big, super hot, wide grill to exactly measure.

1:03:16 Adam I like, you know what I like doing? I like changing gears midstream too when it comes to the syrup. I start off with some of that maple and then all of a sudden, blueberry. Put a little of that boysenberry on there. Let it mix in. Drip down the side, a little butter going. Yeah, that's nice. Oh man, I gotta get some of that. Let's go eat. Let's get some pancakes. All right, let's talk about, all right. So wait a minute. We figured out in New York that stores can't sell booze any day of the week before 12 noon and after 3 a. And so let me say this, aha, because our stores only 2A to 6A can't sell booze. So I think we beat you by quite a few hours there in New York. Stop bragging. And then you can start serving at places except for Sunday at 8 a.m., I think Anderson said. And like all I'm saying, all I'm saying is anyone from JFK, please open that bar. Like I said, people are coming in from Singapore. They're two days behind. They've been on a plane for 12 hours. Give them some booze.

1:04:30 Drew And I'll tell you what, waiting until noon on Sunday makes sure everyone's in those churches, doesn't it?

1:04:40 Adam I'm telling you, airport, international waters. No, look, there's a thousand different time zones coming into your places. You can't count on one. You have no time zone. Everything should be open all the time. Thank you. All right, where are we going here?

1:04:53 Going to Calls.

1:04:53 Adam Elizabeth, yeah, that's my girl. Elizabeth?

1:04:57 Oh, yeah.

1:04:58 Adam You're 23?

1:04:59 Caller Mm-hmm.

1:04:59 Adam What's up?

1:05:01 Caller I'm just wondering basically if there is like a disorder or disease or something that can stop a penis from growing any further because my boyfriend's penis is really the size of like a child.

1:05:21 Drew Does he have normal hair and that sort of thing?

1:05:23 Caller Yeah, but it's seriously like, I mean, even like the girth of it is like really small. Mm-hmm.

1:05:32 Drew That's just bad times.

1:05:34 Adam Is he listening?

1:05:36 Caller I don't know.

1:05:37 Drew He was until she started and he jumped, took off the plunge, yeah.

1:05:41 Caller Pretty much and I feel like kind of weird, like, cause I'm wondering if there's something wrong and obviously I don't want to say anything about it.

1:05:50 Adam Yeah. Now what do you say? Do you say like pinky finger size or F finger?

1:05:54 Caller I'm going to say like, seriously, like it's probably the growth of like a Crayola marker.

1:06:00 Adam Oh, I think those are crayons by the way.

1:06:03 Caller Like a Crayola marker and like maybe a little shorter than a marker.

1:06:08 Adam Just to make sure.

1:06:09 Drew Crayola felt pen or a crayon?

1:06:12 Caller Like a Crayola felt pen, the fatter kind of pen.

1:06:15 Drew The pad, the fatter pad.

1:06:16 Adam Oh, really? It did mean marker.

1:06:18 Drew Middle finger probably.

1:06:19 Adam Sorry, so is that, okay, I'm going, how about this? Highlighter pen? One of those round highlighter pens?

1:06:26 Yeah.

1:06:28 Adam That's kids, I didn't even know Crayola made markers.

1:06:30 Caller Yeah, maybe we're pushing it with a highlighter.

1:06:32 Adam Oh, we're pushing it with a highlighter? Let's give them the benefit.

1:06:35 Let's not give them the highlight.

1:06:36 Caller Yeah, we'll give them the benefit of the doubt. Is there something that can cause that?

1:06:40 Adam What's the length, by the way? You got a length?

1:06:44 Caller I don't even know. It's not as long as a highlighter.

1:06:47 Adam Highlighter. I'd be happy with a highlighter.

1:06:53 Drew Highlighter's about five, we're at five, right?

1:06:55 Adam No, highlighter is more in the six range. Go find a highlighter, engineer Chris.

1:07:01 Drew Hurry.

1:07:02 Adam Yeah, that's more in the six, six and a quarter.

1:07:04 Drew All right, listen, you keep asking the same question and I will answer that question. That is, I'm not aware of anything that can singularly stop the growth of the penis. Here's the highlighter here. Without also interrupting the other characteristics, secondary sexual characteristics like hair growth and stature and that sort of thing. If he is of normal height, normal sort of development, normal hair distribution, it's really unlikely that he has a medical problem causing this. It's just a bad hand.

1:07:32 Adam Yeah, highlighter's about five and an eighth.

1:07:37 Drew So we're talking about like, yeah.

1:07:39 Adam I told you, you gotta point it at me, Drew.

1:07:40 Drew Just show.

1:07:41 Adam I'm not gonna point at my math. That's what you want.

1:07:43 Caller Neither am I.

1:07:45 Adam Oh, well, wait a second now, baby doll. How long you two been together?

1:07:50 Caller Well, we went out for a matter of months and then we broke up kind of because of that.

1:07:59 Adam Oh, really?

1:08:00 Drew Did you sort of, oh, did you break up with him or did you cause a problem to break up or what happened?

1:08:04 Caller I caused a problem to break up and we broke up and-

1:08:07 Drew What'd you do?

1:08:10 Adam Cheated.

1:08:12 Caller Excuse me?

1:08:13 Adam Did you cheat on him?

1:08:15 Caller No, but I just kind of just talked a lot of crap.

1:08:19 Adam About his penis or just other things?

1:08:22 Caller No, no, no, I would never think about that.

1:08:23 Adam I like this guy. By the way, I'd like to hire this guy to go to the gym with me. Why?

1:08:29 Drew Forget the gym, just go around your life.

1:08:31 Adam Just around, yeah, we disrobe. We're gonna, hey, Ken, we're hitting the showers. Over here, buddy. That's good. Dump a little ice water down your shorts. I know, I know. It seems like I'm putting too fine a point on it, but just do it, please. Hey, hey, eight bucks an hour. Let's go. Are you good? Hold on.

1:08:48 Drew Loosen up.

1:08:49 Adam Hold on, let me chub down. Let me chub up here, let's see. Let me put the hairdryer down my pants, see if I can stretch things out just a little bit. All right, here we go. Ready? Off with the robe.

1:08:59 Drew Oops.

1:08:59 Adam It's heading to the shower. All right, now. I'm gonna make.

1:09:02 Drew I'm talking about this.

1:09:03 Adam I'm gonna make idle conversation. Pretend like you're listening. Yeah.

1:09:06 Drew We're talking about in the middle finger, about really the length of the middle finger. Like, and I don't wanna. Well, you know what? It really brings. It really brings. Wait, wait, wait. Before you talk about this, it brings up an interesting topic that we never talk about, because it's not something that sort of lends itself to discussion. No, the kind of biological realities of how men and women relate. You know what I mean? Why your friend Chris makes women dilate, and why poor Elizabeth, poor boyfriend, can't sustain a relationship because of his natural endowments. We never factor that in.

1:09:37 Caller I'm totally in love with him. Like, I don't care, but I'm thinking like, realistically, could I marry him and be happy for a hundred years?

1:09:44 Drew I understand. The fact is we never discuss this. We also never discuss, we're gonna give people videotapes that tell them how to break out of their biological reality, which to some extent you can, but we've really never discussed that basic animal.

1:09:56 Adam What do you mean we're gonna give them videotapes?

1:09:58 Drew Well, I mean, you can lose some weight, and you can exercise, you can change your shape a little bit, and this sort of thing.

1:10:02 Caller Yeah, but that can be really fake.

1:10:04 Drew But the fact is there are certain biological elements that are just animal in us as humans, and we don't discuss it ever.

1:10:11 Adam Well, let's say this, Elizabeth. Does he give you oral sex?

1:10:16 Caller Yeah, it's great.

1:10:18 Adam Hold on, quiet down. He is great at that. I mean, here's the thing. He's got a small dork, but he acts like it. You know what I mean? I like that. He's not pompous.

1:10:30 Drew He doesn't defend against it.

1:10:31 Adam He compensates with good oral. But look, this is, you know, it's like a, really, I would say break up with him. You've been with-

1:10:42 Drew She did, she broke up with him.

1:10:43 Adam Well, then they got back together, I think. I thought they got back together.

1:10:47 Drew So you're back together again?

1:10:49 Caller Well, we're like kind of talking again.

1:10:51 Drew Thinking about it.

1:10:52 Adam It's good enough, break up. Break up, because here's the reality. Okay, here's the reality. Let me say this. Let's say you're dating, you're dating somebody. And you meet a girl, you like her. She has a kid, the kid has special needs. It's a special needs kid. This is Down syndrome or something. Look, some guys are up to that challenge. Other guys aren't. If you're not up to it, no, you're not up to it. And just walk away, get out of there. She's not up to this. There's some women, by the way, who would like a small penis. In a way, because the penis becomes a weapon and the guy's got a cap gun, fine. They don't have to worry about double-barreled shotgun.

1:11:31 Drew That's right. But what about that biological penis? Can we speak to that? I've never really discussed it.

1:11:35 Adam A lot of women would be happy if this guy just go and gangbusters on the oral, but not for Elizabeth. And if it's not for you, then you gotta walk away. Because I don't think that component's gonna change in you that much.

1:11:48 Drew I agree, but isn't that something that whatever it is, it's about Elizabeth, that she needs that biological piece?

1:11:55 Adam Yeah, but what's your point?

1:11:57 Drew But it's nothing that's ever articulated well.

1:12:01 Adam Well, the reason it's not maybe discussed as much as it should be is for Elizabeth, it is an issue, but for Marsha on line three, she's 13, Jennifer, I'll say Marsha is 13 on line three. It may not become a later on when she comes along. No, Jennifer, who's on line two over here is 23, it might not be an issue. And therefore, that's not a real biological mandate, is it? And this one has an issue and this one doesn't. Guys, we have biological mandates. And women have a handful of them too, but I don't think the penis size is a great example of it.

1:12:38 Drew I'll agree with that.

1:12:38 Adam All right, take a break. All right, between this and Anderson whooping up on you on the internet, this is gonna be a rough night for you, Dr. Drew.

1:12:46 Drew I wanna talk some more about this biological thing, because again, it's not...

1:12:49 Adam Ironically, you can do it while looking at my penis. Can I?

1:12:53 Drew Oh, good fun.

1:12:54 Adam Checking out my half a highlighter while I'm... Yeah, see if we can brew up a little asparagus for you. That's my specialty. All right, we'll take yourselves a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:13:07 Caller Loveline.

1:13:10 Adam You know, Drew, smelling good is more than a smell. It's an attitude.

1:13:15 Drew That's true, Adam.

1:13:16 Adam It is?

1:13:18 Caller How?

1:13:19 Adam Break down.

1:13:20 Drew Axe, deodorant, body spray. Can't lose.

1:13:36 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. Phone number 1-800-L-E-E-1-9-1-R. All right, buddy, let's get back to the phones.

1:13:46 Drew Yeah, take some calls, Adam. I know that excites you. We'll let you talk about red lights in a few minutes. Nah, you know what, I'm tapped.

1:13:54 Adam I'm tapped out. Yeah, I'm tired. Dave?

1:13:58 Yeah.

1:13:58 Adam You're 25?

1:13:59 Caller Yeah.

1:14:00 Adam You still wet the bed?

1:14:02 Caller Yeah.

1:14:03 Adam How consistently?

1:14:04 Caller Like once every like six months.

1:14:08 Drew And anything about, you're using alcohol those nights or?

1:14:11 Caller No, no, totally sober. It's just like, I've been drinking a lot of water for a diet lately. And right before I go to bed, I sit down and go to the bathroom and just make sure like it's all out.

1:14:21 Drew Sit down and go to the bathroom.

1:14:23 Caller And the night I wake up and I'm just like laying in it.

1:14:27 Adam And sit down to go to the bathroom, huh?

1:14:29 Caller Yeah.

1:14:30 Drew Why?

1:14:31 Caller So I can like kind of like squeeze it all out to make sure it's out of my system.

1:14:36 Adam Huh. You do more squeezing when you're sitting down than you.

1:14:40 Caller I do prefer.

1:14:41 Adam Not me, I stand and punch myself in the gut. Trying to wring myself out.

1:14:45 Drew And over multiple times. Dave, how about like cutting down on the fluid consumption after six years?

1:14:49 Adam Hold on. Have we spoken to you before, Dave? Once every six months, meh, what are you gonna do? It's right on the cusp of a problem.

1:14:59 Drew I just can just cut your fluids off at six o'clock.

1:15:03 Adam Well, but again, you're altering your life for something that happens once every 180 days.

1:15:10 Drew Yeah, but it depends what it happens kind of thing.

1:15:12 Adam Well, it depends where you are. I mean, look, if you're at home and you can kind of deal with it. Also, guys don't ever change your sheets. You know what I'm saying? A guy doesn't think to pull a sheet off and change it. I didn't even know. I thought you just threw it away with the mattress at a certain point. You know what I mean?

1:15:30 Drew Well, eventually they both dissolved.

1:15:32 Adam Yeah, this is actually forces you to change, to do the sheets about every six. This is probably God getting you to do it. Dave?

1:15:43 Caller Yeah.

1:15:44 Adam Do you live with anybody?

1:15:46 Caller No, I still live with my parents.

1:15:48 Drew Oh, really? Chris?

1:15:50 Caller But I'm afraid to move out or be intimate with a girl, because what happens if I'm over her house and this happens, that's what my parents do.

1:15:57 Drew Nope, no way. That's bogus now.

1:15:59 Adam Yeah, sorry, we don't believe you now.

1:16:01 Drew There, that, take, listen, guys can't be stopped from doing stuff like, like being intimate with a girl. You can't force a guy to stop that.

1:16:10 Adam They're calling you a liar, Dave.

1:16:12 Caller I'm sorry, it's true, though.

1:16:14 Adam It's a lie, you're lying. This is a bold-faced lie. All right, well, what do you mean you're scared to be intimate with a girl?

1:16:23 Caller Because I'm afraid to like lay with one, because what happens if I spend the night and this happens?

1:16:29 Drew Then don't spend the night.

1:16:30 Adam You do it twice a year.

1:16:31 Drew Yeah, or then go home and don't spend the night. You pansy!

1:16:37 Caller Yep.

1:16:38 Adam Oh, well, we've stumped Dave. Dave, how about you move out? By the way, you can't live alone?

1:16:44 Caller Oh, I can.

1:16:48 Adam You can't move out, you can't live alone?

1:16:50 Caller No, I can, I'm just trying to save money.

1:16:53 Adam All right, so does your mom know you wet the bed?

1:16:55 Caller No, no one does.

1:16:57 Adam All right, but once every six months, no more, not more often than that? Tops?

1:17:04 Caller Yeah.

1:17:04 Adam All right, well listen, get some therapy. And don't worry about wetting the bed.

1:17:09 Drew Yeah, if you're using that as a reason not to have a relationship, that is a pretty heavy indictment. In other words, there are other reasons you're not having a relationship. You can't force guys not to have relationships. Think of all the weird smells and things that guys do. They don't, for real. Are you kidding?

1:17:23 Adam Let me explain something about saving money. Hold on, Chris, take your headphones off. Put your fingers in your ears, please. Just take the headphones off. Chris, 27, still living at home. Please take the headphones off. This is gonna get horribly uncomfortable.

1:17:35 Drew Fingers in the ears. Fingers in the ears.

1:17:36 Adam In the ears.

1:17:38 Drew Both of them. Fingers.

1:17:39 Adam Both fingers. In the ears. Boom, put them in. Put them in. You can't.

1:17:45 Drew Put your hands over here. Put your hands.

1:17:46 Adam Can you put your hands over here?

1:17:47 Drew There you go, there you go.

1:17:48 Adam All right, stay there. Hey, Chris, oh, he heard that, all right.

1:17:55 Caller It's all right, I'm used to it, whatever.

1:17:57 Adam All right, listen, here's the point. Yeah, you can save money livin at home until you're in your 50s. You can save money not drivin a car. Yeah, get a donkey. Save yourself some money. You can save some money eating top ramen and never goin out to eat. You can save some money doin just about anything. When you're 25, it's time to move out.

1:18:15 Drew Well, when it starts eroding into your living of a life.

1:18:18 Adam Hold on, not 27, 25.

1:18:21 Drew 27's okay.

1:18:22 Adam Oh no, that's fine. Yeah, you stay at 27, yeah. 25.

1:18:25 Drew You made it over the hump.

1:18:26 Adam 25, 26, you gotta move out. 28, you gotta move out. 27, you stay, that's the year you stay. Good call. Yeah, so that's my point. And look, you're not gettin on with your life. You're not havin a relationship. But let me just tell everyone this, who's wet in the bed. I used to wet the bed. Here's what you do. You wake yourself up. They got a million devices. They got things that give you a shock. They got adult diapers. They got liners. They got bells. They got stuff you spread out on your mattress. And when it starts feeling moisture, it sets an alarm off. It's all unnecessary. Here's what you do. It's the easiest thing in the world. You get yourself a timer, a digital timer. They have it in every single five and dime, every single thrifties or save-ons or whatever your store is. You don't even need it. The clock radio is a pain in the ass. Here's what you do. Leave the clock radio alone. Get yourself a little digital timer. I haven't talked about this in a while. I love these digital timers. They're for kitchens. They take a little, they take a double A battery is what they take and they're digital. You press in the hour, you press in the minutes. And that's it. And here's the deal. You go to bed at 2 a.m., you go to bed at 10. It doesn't matter when you go to bed, set it for three hours, think, think, think, hit it. It'll go off in three hours. Three hours from when you go to bed, not 1 1 3 in the morning, not just whatever. Whenever you go to bed, set it for three hours. Have it go off. When it goes off, get up and take a leak. If it goes off and you're sitting in a puddle, set it for two and a half hours the next night and see if you can catch yourself. That thing goes off, you get up, you take a leak, you hit it, you ain't went in the bed. That's how it works. That's easy. You're done.

1:20:15 Drew That's a great, listen, remember I brought you an article in the show, there's nothing superior to that?

1:20:20 Adam Oh, there isn't? Oh yeah. I've been yelling about this for years and everyone else is talking about deep-rooted psychological problems.

1:20:29 Drew Of course, the part of the whole center, but yeah, except for that, it's a good solution.

1:20:32 Adam Thank you. You just get up and take a leak and then guess what? You're not gonna wet your bed. I hear so I figured it out. I used to wet my bed and my grandpa used to wake me up. Then I used to whiz in a bucket. It was good times. You could go to bed at, I'd go to bed at eight o'clock at night. I was 27 actually at the time, Chris, still living with my grandparent. I'd go to bed at nine o'clock at night. He'd go in and watch Johnny Carson. And at 12.30, he'd be heading to go to bed and he'd wake me up, take a whiz in this bucket. It was like three hours after I went to bed. I'd whiz in the bucket, magically I wouldn't wet the bed. Magic, easy. All right, Drew, stop looking for stuff. And let's talk to Jenny, who's 24. It was always a great task to empty the whiz bucket the following day. 24, by the way, Drew, you're curious why I whizzed in a bucket and didn't actually go into a bathroom?

1:21:27 Drew Well, I knew it was a Corolla household. And given that you crapped into a popcorn tan, I figured whizzing in a bucket was a pretty standard fare there.

1:21:35 Adam Right.

1:21:35 Drew Didn't you say?

1:21:36 Adam Yeah.

1:21:37 Drew Probably a good bet.

1:21:38 Adam There was one bathroom. It was as big as a porta potty. And you had to walk through my grandparent's bedroom to get to that. If you wanted to get to the bathroom, you had to actually go through their bedroom. So.

1:21:49 Drew And your grandma would not have that.

1:21:51 Adam I would not. I don't think I would have wanted to have that myself.

1:21:54 Drew But I know your grandma is too. She just wouldn't hear that.

1:21:56 Adam Yeah. Yeah. I mean, who are we, the Rockefellers with two commodes?

1:22:01 Drew Bucket and the popcorn tan.

1:22:03 Adam Jenny. 24? What's up? Hold on one second. I'm not done complaining about my family. Here's, we were sitting around Kimmel the other day and so once in a while, everyone's approximately the same age, somewhere between like 30 and Drew's talking to my dad. Every guy, everyone's sitting around the tables. He's, yeah, average age 30, 36, 37 or about the same age. So the, when toys come up, we all remember the toys and it's a group that went to college, had a few things. Parents loved them for the most part and they start talking about electric football or magic eight balls or light bright came up. Oh, remember those light brights? You plug the lights in, you make the clown face with the light and the thing and they'd sing the song and everything and everyone was talking about, yeah, I remember my light bright and then someone said, Adam, do you have one? And I just said to the table, look, this comes up a lot, whether it be electric football, light bright, whatever it is. What, no.

1:23:06 Drew Anything.

1:23:07 Adam The toys come up a lot. Yeah, not yo-yos, but yes. I said, look, here's how you know. If it plugged in, I didn't have it. Oh, really? That was the Mason-Dixon line. That's where we cut off.

1:23:19 Drew That was Mississippi. So things like yo-yos and those sort of things you would get, and the stick on a paddle, the ball.

1:23:23 Adam Yeah, you get the cup with the stick in it. Yeah, things that orphan Russian kids probably would have.

1:23:28 Drew If they wouldn't give you sports, you wouldn't have got a basketball or a football, would you?

1:23:31 Adam If it would plug in, the Corollas would not buy it. That's how you knew. That's a toy's wife.

1:23:38 Drew It seems like they also had to be some sort of an Egyptian ancient toy form. Right, like something new with a Nike on it. No, no, no.

1:23:45 Adam No.

1:23:45 Drew Rockefellers.

1:23:46 Adam No, no, yeah, yeah, there's no basketball hoops or anything like that. No, no, here's the thing, here were the rules. Nothing that plugged in and nothing that weighed more than two pounds. That was the thing. Like basketball hoops and you know, you know, pool tables and things like it. No, no, no, no. That exceeded the weight limitation. It had to be, you had to be able to carry it with one hand and it couldn't have a plug on it. Couldn't have a cord on it. Those were unspoken. But as I started to think about it, yeah.

1:24:16 Drew Clear criteria.

1:24:17 Adam That was it, pretty clear. Could not plug in. All right, let's.

1:24:20 Drew Jenny, Jenny.

1:24:21 Adam Oh, we're talking to Jenny? Is she up here? Jenny, 24?

1:24:26 Yes, that's me.

1:24:27 Adam What's up?

1:24:28 Okay, so I'm dating a guy who just got out of a divorce a little over, oh, he just got divorced a little.

1:24:34 Adam Oh, you know what I was saying, Drew? Hold on, Drew. You know when you said yo-yo, you instinctively pick the worst things when someone makes a point. Do you realize that? You don't even know what you, you don't even know that you do it. It's a gift. It's a weird gift.

1:24:45 Drew It's really good.

1:24:46 Adam It's a weird gift. But it's like a gift.

1:24:49 Drew But it's trying to anticipate where you're going.

1:24:52 Adam I know.

1:24:52 Drew I thought you'd include all toys, but no.

1:24:54 Adam I know. But it's a gift. But it's uncanny.

1:24:57 Drew Uncanny.

1:24:58 Adam In a bad way.

1:24:59 Drew But uncanny.

1:25:00 Adam Like somebody always picks a losing horse.

1:25:02 Drew So you know.

1:25:04 Adam You gotta be almost, you have to be as good to pick a losing horse every time as you do to pick a winning horse every time.

1:25:11 Drew Plus everyone knows who to bet against.

1:25:14 Adam Right, right. Yeah, I don't have that luxury here on the radio, but I know what you're saying. It is, it is amazing. Go ahead, Jenny. I'm sorry, 24. What's up?

1:25:23 They're dating the guy that just got out of a marriage a little over a year ago. And I've heard Drew say before that guys are not ready for relationships, even when they say that they are. So when they say that they're not in a relationship, then they're really not ready.

1:25:38 Drew Hold on a second. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. I was talking about guys in their twenties and I was talking, we were talking about marriage. What I said was, when guys say they're not ready for marriage, they mean it. Not ready.

1:25:50 Adam Light, bright, making things with light. Out of sight, making things with light, bright. Hey, there's no, let me tell you some of the Carollas. They had no problem with me hearing the commercials for the toys.

1:26:01 Drew In fact, they were so traumatized, it had been etched in your memory banks.

1:26:03 Adam I remember, I'm just staring intently at it. Wow, that's as close as you're ever gonna get to one. It's fantastic.

1:26:08 Drew It's like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

1:26:09 Adam Look at that, look at that toy. Wow, I gotta watch this commercial again.

1:26:13 You are all over the place tonight.

1:26:15 Adam I know.

1:26:16 Drew Oh, that's true. All right, sorry. Jenny, no, he was divorced a year ago, right?

1:26:22 Yeah, a little over a year.

1:26:24 Drew How long had the relationship been going bad?

1:26:25 I don't know how long it's been going bad. I think maybe a year before they broke it off, she cheated on him and left him really abruptly, from what I understand.

1:26:37 Drew Okay, and now he's 39.

1:26:38 Adam Cheating could have been payback cheating, by the way.

1:26:42 Oh yeah, and I wonder if maybe he wasn't around enough or didn't show enough attention.

1:26:46 Adam Let me just tell you something. I would say 75% of the time, if a guy says, wife cheated on me.

1:26:57 Drew I have no idea why kind of thing.

1:26:58 Adam It's payback cheating.

1:27:00 Drew Yeah, the other 25% is chaos cheating. There's only two types for women, really.

1:27:04 Adam There's two types of cheating, yeah. She's alcoholic, abuse survivor, chaos cheating. And then there's payback cheating.

1:27:12 Drew And payback has-

1:27:13 Adam And then there's sort of kind of combinations of both.

1:27:15 Drew Yeah, but payback has a couple versions of it. One is you're not around enough.

1:27:20 Adam You're not paying any attention to me.

1:27:22 Drew The other is you cheated.

1:27:23 Adam You banged my friend. Right, yeah. By the way, here's the thing. When you hear someone say, my wife cheated on me, you should hear it the same way the guy who's perpetually getting into trouble says, I'm sitting in a bar, I'm minding my own business, guy comes up and punches me in the face.

1:27:39 Caller Right.

1:27:40 Adam I realize that never happens.

1:27:43 Caller He didn't present it like that to me though. Like he was like, really what it came down to is that we had really different upbringings and she had a really crazy kind of.

1:27:53 Drew Yeah, so he's a co-dependent.

1:27:55 Adam All right, that's chaos cheating.

1:27:56 Drew All right, that's fine.

1:27:57 Adam All right, so he's.

1:27:58 Drew And he's been out a year. He should be having a relationship by now. And about six months, a year out, they should be ready to go.

1:28:03 Adam Is he saying he's not ready for a full-timer?

1:28:07 Caller But at the end of the same time, he's saying, you're so extraordinary, you're very amazing.

1:28:15 Drew It depends how, what he. This is actually a very complex issue. Yes. Literally, you may not be crazy enough. He could be one of those guys that needs a project, needs to fix somebody all the time. If he can really admire you as a person and appreciate you and see all your qualities and value them, and then not have a relationship after a year out of a divorce, either he was severely injured by the divorce and traumatized by it, or he needs projects to work on in order to feel intimate with someone.

1:28:41 Adam Maybe he needs parents who can get him a light bright. That's why I'm traumatized. Chris, did you have a light bright?

1:28:46 Caller He actually went through like depression.

1:28:47 Adam Don't use it, huh?

1:28:48 Caller He went through depression and he had to get on like, I don't know, some medication.

1:28:53 Adam Why do you like him so much?

1:28:56 Caller The first night we met, we like talked religion and politics in a bar for like two hours. And like, there's too many people.

1:29:03 Adam Well, listen, one of the reasons you may be so into him is because of his sort of laissez-faire approach to your relationship. You think so?

1:29:14 Caller I don't know, I really like, you know.

1:29:16 Adam All right, all right.

1:29:17 Drew Also, not a lot of available, you know, older guys. You know what I mean? Who are actually available. And she may have a thing about older guys.

1:29:23 Adam Light bright, making things with her.

1:29:26 Drew Only older guys would know that song.

1:29:29 Adam Yeah, all right. See if he knows the light bright song. No, okay, here's the thing. He may say he's not ready for a relationship. Fine, you don't have to talk him into it. This is a coin toss. It's kind of hard to tell. Why don't you let his actions speak louder than words?

1:29:44 Drew Yeah, if he really can't come in, yeah.

1:29:46 Adam Instead of getting, instead of having a sit down with him, see how he performs over the next six months.

1:29:54 Drew Does she want to put six months into this? Three months, four months.

1:29:57 Adam They've been going out for a little while, haven't they? How long have you been, how long?

1:30:03 Caller We've only been dating for like a month. It's not-

1:30:06 Adam Only a month. All right, I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what.

1:30:10 Drew Three more months.

1:30:11 Adam Don't hound him for a committed relationship. See how he operates. See how he responds. Pull it in, reel it in just a little bit. You start coming after him, he's gonna feel pestered and he's just gonna start moving away. Leave him alone a little bit. See what he does. I don't wanna say play hard to get, but that's pretty much your only move. Play the game a little bit, a little bit. See if you can jumpstart it a little bit.

1:30:37 Drew It's not so much to reel him in, but to see how he responds, you really know what his intentions are. If he sort of lets it go, then we'll get your answer.

1:30:45 Adam Right, right. All right, back off just a little bit and see what he does. We'll take a little break. We'll be right back after this.

1:30:53 Loveline, 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:31:17 Adam Hey everybody, it's Loveline. All right, here we go. Let's get on them phones.

1:31:25 Drew No calls about Viagra as a club drug. Nobody's gonna help me with that.

1:31:28 Adam What do you wanna know? What do you wanna know?

1:31:30 Drew People are actually using it that way. How often? Is it for a frequent thing? All right. And why? I mean, it's just to keep an erection till it's out for a while?

1:31:39 Adam Well, you see, he says it's a club drug, but isn't it?

1:31:42 Drew Recreational drug.

1:31:43 Adam It's after the club.

1:31:44 Drew Yeah, yeah.

1:31:45 Adam It's, well, here's, okay, let me give you a couple scenarios. I got the whiskey dork going, you know what I mean? I've been drinking all night, I'm axing. Things aren't working so good down there. I'm gonna work that. So after a long night of dancing and boozing and maybe doing a little blow, a little ax, I got myself something that's gonna make things right downstairs. So that's one of them. The other thing is, we're taking it to the next level.

1:32:18 Drew Is it just some sort of arousal thing to see how far I can take performance?

1:32:24 Adam If you think about everything that's good, everyone's looking to make, here's the thing, everyone is making good stuff even better. I mean, if you think about it, most guys, I'm not gonna say most guys, but a lot of guys who buy a Ferrari, they put better rims on it. They put a better stereo system in it. There's a whole sect that will take a Ferrari, that will take a Bentley, that will take a Jag, that will take the most beautiful cars in the world, and then dump 50 grand, 100 grand into them almost immediately. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't know if it's weird. It's almost, it's sort of the American way, but it's, yeah, now I got a Ferrari, but I got 22 inch rims on it, and a stereo that cranks out 35,000 amps or whatever the hell they're doing, and ohms or BT whatevers, and decibels, and I got a Ferrari that's better than anyone else's Ferrari. That's it. Now I gotta find a Ferrari to hunt.

1:33:26 Drew Do women use a Ferrari or anything?

1:33:28 Adam No.

1:33:28 Drew No.

1:33:29 Adam No, I don't think so. I don't think they need. They're either into the guy or they're not, or they're into the guy's Ferrari or whatever, but they're not. But everyone's looking to ratchet up good stuff. This is what that, this is what, you know, this is what that, it's what Cribs is about.

1:33:45 Drew But you know, women complain about guys going too long without orgasming. It's like not, just because that's the thing that the music talks about is going all night. Not that women are not into that at all.

1:33:54 Adam Nah, it doesn't mean you're going all night. I think it just means better boner. Just higher quality of boner.

1:33:59 Drew No, no, no, no, no, no.

1:34:01 Adam Well, it means you can go back for second helping too.

1:34:04 Drew Yes.

1:34:04 Adam You just got better, you got a better boner. I mean, look, it's 3.30 in the morning, you've been drinking and dancing all night. You just, you're not going to be peak form down there. You know what I'm saying? Where are we going here, Drew?

1:34:18 Drew Building better boners.

1:34:19 Adam Yeah.

1:34:20 Drew 12 ways.

1:34:21 Adam Jennifer?

1:34:22 Yes.

1:34:23 Adam You're 21?

1:34:24 Caller Yes.

1:34:24 Adam What's up?

1:34:26 Caller Okay, I'm in the process of a divorce. My fiance is pushing me to get married right after my divorce was final.

1:34:35 Drew How do you already have a fiance before you got divorced?

1:34:39 Caller It's kind of a long story. My fiance was my master of honor at my wedding. He's been my best friend since I was 15.

1:34:46 Drew Yeah, there's a reason he's been your best friend. He's been waiting for his moment. And the second your husband sort of pulled back, he's pounced like some sort of beast of prey.

1:34:55 Adam It's a master of honor. You have a maid of honor? It's like a dude made of honor?

1:35:00 Caller Yeah, well, I had a master of honor because I didn't have any female friends.

1:35:05 Drew Not a good sign.

1:35:06 Adam Let me tell you something. I don't care. I won't put that dress on for nothing. I don't want that to happen.

1:35:13 Caller I don't want any of it.

1:35:13 Drew Well, but you do it in private, plenty enough.

1:35:16 Adam Yeah, I'm just saying that is a faggity role right there. Master of honor. Yeesh.

1:35:23 Caller My maid of honor flaked on me. So he was kind of like a last resort, but he's been my best friend for so long that it just kind of worked out well.

1:35:29 Adam All right, all right. I don't trust you, by the way, that you don't have any female friends.

1:35:33 Drew It's not a good sign.

1:35:34 Adam It really isn't. You can laugh, but any chick who gets married doesn't know a chick good enough to make her maid of honor. That's bad times right there. I don't know.

1:35:46 Drew No, I mean, your mom must have been a piece of work and makes you distrustful of women and speaks a lot about, you know, you're a woman, so it must impact on you, feel about yourself.

1:35:55 Adam Yeah.

1:35:55 Drew There you go.

1:35:56 Adam I don't trust that. So this guy, is this guy nerdy or what's he?

1:36:02 Caller I don't know. I guess you can just say, he's always told me or through a little bit, we were meant to be together and we were gonna be together no matter what.

1:36:11 Drew Not nerdy.

1:36:14 Adam Has he had a lot of women himself?

1:36:17 Caller He was a virgin until he was 18.

1:36:20 Drew Shocked.

1:36:24 Adam Shocking. Yes, yes, Drew, scrape me up off the floor, would you please?

1:36:28 Drew With the whole not at all nerdy, I immediately got, oh, nerd, not at all, not at all.

1:36:32 Caller No, not at all. Well, he was a skater, but he's really, he's not, but-

1:36:37 Adam What's he do for a living?

1:36:39 Caller He was in produce.

1:36:42 Adam In produce, all right. All right, so he's been into you since he met you. Right.

1:36:48 Caller Yes.

1:36:49 Adam Why did you get married so early and divorced so quickly?

1:36:52 Caller Honestly, I was totally infatuated with the idea of just having the wedding. Oh my God. And just being able to plan it out, and have the reception, just having everything just glamorous.

1:37:02 Adam Why divorce so early?

1:37:04 Caller He got into drugs, and I chose not to live that lifestyle. And I put my son in that lifestyle.

1:37:13 Drew I just get that.

1:37:14 Adam Any addict stuff with your parents? How's your mom doing?

1:37:17 Caller No, my parents are complete straight-edged. My father passed away, and my mother is a very strict Christian.

1:37:25 Drew What did your father die from?

1:37:28 Caller Congestive heart failure.

1:37:29 Drew How old?

1:37:31 Caller He died two years ago.

1:37:32 Drew How old is he?

1:37:34 Guest He was almost 62.

1:37:37 Drew 62, so he had you when he was in his 40s. And to die at 16, congestive heart failure is very rare. What's the deal?

1:37:44 Caller He's actually a vegetarian, so it's even more rare because of that, but they don't know why. It's kind of like he's one of those medical mysteries, because he's been a vegetarian.

1:37:52 Drew Never had a history of alcohol or drug use himself?

1:37:54 Caller Nope.

1:37:54 Adam All right, here's the deal, Jennifer. Too early for you. You got a bad track record. Too early. Too early for marriage.

1:38:05 Drew Look at the dad on marriage in his early 20s.

1:38:07 Adam Well, what is he, 21, 22?

1:38:08 Caller He's 21 also, but we haven't.

1:38:11 Adam All right, all right. You got one under your belt already.

1:38:16 Drew Late 20s, next one's gonna come around late 20s.

1:38:18 Adam It's time to relax. You're not going anywhere.

1:38:20 Drew He'll be fine.

1:38:20 Adam We'll be back.

1:38:22 Caller Okay, so I know there's nothing wrong with me. So what's up?

1:38:28 But I tried everything else and thought, what the hell?

1:38:37 Caller 877-889-DATE. This hour brought to you in part by AXE. Experience the AXE Effect.

1:39:08 Adam Sure buddy, God bless you for tuning in.

1:39:11 Drew And for the three calls we spoke to, thank you. And Adam, thank you for entertaining us tonight with your stories. Regaling us, in fact.

1:39:16 Adam Thank you for listening with one ear. We'll take ourselves a little extended break, but don't you worry, we'll be back tomorrow night. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew, saying, mahalo.

1:39:31 Caller This has been Love Line. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Love Line is Ann Ingold. Love Line is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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Monday, July 26, 2004