Episode 1000633694588

1:05 Adam This is the show that is comprised of all the great little snippets of the past few months, sometimes few years. You know what this is, Drew? This is a stew. You understand? We take grape, we take potatoes, we take carrots, we take the best cuts of beef, we put them all together, we boil them up, make them into a beautiful briny broth.

1:28 Drew Shouldn't even be called a stew. It should be a...

1:30 Adam It is an all-star game. That's what it is. It is an all-star game. And first up to bat tonight, Drew?

1:37 Drew Who's that?

1:38 Adam Who? Andy Richter.

1:39 There.

1:50 Voiceover Phone number, 1-800-LOVE-191. Dear, dear, new friend, dear, friend, new friend, dear friend, Andy Richter.

1:58 Drew Dear, dear.

2:00 Adam Dear, dear, he's a dear friend of mine.

2:01 Dear, dear, dear.

2:02 Adam Andy Richter in the studio tonight. Andy, you know, Andy had a sitcom that only lasted a season or two. Two seasons.

2:11 It was two seasons, but it was mid-season, both seasons, which is sort of like a pat on the back and a punch in the gut at the same time.

2:18 Adam How many episodes of Andy Richter control series?

2:20 There are 19, but I think only 15 or 14 aired.

2:26 Adam All right, so it felt to me like a season's worth of shows.

2:29 Oh yeah, it's less than a season's worth.

2:31 Drew Everybody I ever spoke to liked that show.

2:35 Adam Well, it's one of those, you know, here's what it would be the equivalent to. It'd be the equivalent to you going up to the plate against Pedro Stasio or some fast baller, hit one that just missed the foul pole and went into the bleachers, would have been a grand slam, fouling a few off, taking a few and eventually striking out after a very courageous at bat. And you can hold your head up, walk back to the dugout.

3:01 Caller Right.

3:01 Adam And as a matter of fact, probably score some points. I mean, it was almost too ambitious. It was almost too good for the public. Too good. A little too hip.

3:12 Caller No, it was, I don't, see, I personally, I, I mean, if the show had been on and had been left on in a fair way, I would be more than willing to go, you know what, people just didn't really wanna see it. But it was constantly being dicked around and like, you know, move from one spot to another and taken off the air for a month and then put back on for three weeks, showing twice, twice a week and then taken off for two weeks and then put back on another night.

3:42 Adam Right.

3:43 Caller And it just, there's no way to build any kind of viewership like that and, you know, and I had, I mean, to me, what was evidence of the show being mishandled was, like you said, everybody seemed to really like it. I mean, I'm not saying like it was the greatest thing ever, it was a pretty good show.

3:59 Adam What are they gonna tell you?

4:00 Caller I know, that's true. That's true, cause a lot of people, when they meet me, they think I'm retarded. So they, just from the way I look. I'm retarded. But, while it was on in the second season, I had people, a number of people say, when's your show coming back on? And it had been on for like two months. And then I had not as many, but yet, a few people say, while the show was still in the air in the second season, man, I'm so mad that your show got canceled.

4:35 Adam Yeah.

4:37 Caller It's like a hot knife in your guts, you know?

4:39 Adam Right.

4:40 Caller It's not canceled.

4:42 Adam Steering knife.

4:43 Caller So, but now I'm back with Fox.

4:45 Adam Well, yes.

4:46 Caller Because there's been some management changes.

4:48 Adam You're not bitter. That's the important thing.

4:50 Caller I am a little bitter. I'm mad. No, I am a little bitter. Wouldn't you be bitter?

4:55 Adam Yes, yes.

4:56 Caller Yeah, I bet you.

4:57 Adam No, you know what? I would be outraged. I would be outraged.

5:00 Drew I'm just finding it ironic that the people that are as mad as hell and aren't going to take it anymore are the people that are actually on TV.

5:05 Caller Yeah.

5:05 Drew They're not yelling at the television hierarchy.

5:08 Caller Right.

5:08 Drew Not at the public.

5:10 Caller It's like, oh, come on, the public. What can you do? You know.

5:14 Adam Very fickle.

5:14 Caller Yeah. I'll throw my pearls before those swine as long as I can until the day I die.

5:20 Adam The point is, is Andy Richter is a survivor and he lands on his feet, this kid.

5:24 Caller That's right.

5:25 Adam He's got another shot on Fox that cleaned the little house over there and he's back in smelling the rust.

5:30 Caller That's right. And I've been to rehab, so they're letting me back on.

5:34 Adam That's right.

5:35 Caller He's got more pills.

5:36 Adam All right. I don't believe Andy's ever. Andy, have you ever thrown up because of alcohol? Oh, yeah. All right. Now we can hang.

5:47 Drew I was thinking it was still a little bit of the yummy phase, weren't you?

5:51 Adam Yeah, I was thinking. I got this theory. There are adults, OK, here's it. There are adults and I worked with many of them over here at the Mother Station for a number of years to Morning Show, namely Kevin and Bean. And then their old producer, Frank, and a whole bunch of guys. And for instance, at 5.30 in the morning, I was the only one drinking a cup of coffee. They were drinking hot chocolate or Mountain Dew or something like that. And then one time we all went to Seattle and we went out to a nice fish joint where the micro-brew capital of the world and they're ordering frescoes and sprites and I'm the only one getting the micro-brew kind of thing.

6:31 Caller And probably ordering burgers at the awesome fish place too, you know?

6:35 Drew Grilled cheese.

6:36 Adam Right. Grilled cheese. And then I realized, okay, everybody, every child is born into the yummy phase. I mean, every kid, kids don't like beer, they don't like cigars, they don't like whiskey, they don't like poon tang. Although, we're not sure, because I'm going to get the bottom of it, my kid. But the point is, they don't like these things because they don't really taste good. I mean, a beer does not taste good. It tastes like a beer. And so if they have their choice, well, they're not going to eat smoked salmon and caviar and a cigar. You're going to eat a grilled cheese with a lot of ketchup on it. Lucky Charms and Mr. Pibb. And once in a while, you meet an adult who still seems to be trapped in the yummy face. Absolutely. Now, somewhere along the line, like in your teens, peer pressure sets in. You're forced to drink the Mickey's Big Mouth in the park until you puke with your buddies or suck up a Winston cigarette or something. You learn this sort of, you learn these things. Now, I don't think they ever really taste good, like whiskey and even like red wine and stuff. It doesn't taste good. It just tastes like red wine and tastes like whiskey. A woman tastes like a woman. These are, you learn to appreciate them. The guys in the yummy face, they get trapped in it. They take it to the grave.

7:54 Caller I also think... Is that not you? No, that is not me at all. No, I have a very grown up taste. He's gone the other way. I mean, they're sort of like, so grown up, it's kind of creepy. Really?

8:05 Yeah.

8:07 Caller The muskier, the better.

8:09 You guys could have.

8:10 Adam Baby, don't shower.

8:12 Caller No.

8:13 Adam You just got back...

8:14 Caller Baby, don't shower. In fact, die.

8:20 Adam Go to spinning class, then die, and then we'll talk.

8:23 And then we'll talk in a week.

8:24 Adam We're not. Yeah.

8:25 Caller You get my trunk and then we'll talk. Oh, come on. You started it. That's how you're the guys. Everybody is like, hey, come on, let's, you know, let's walk down here. All right, you want to walk down here? Let's walk down here. Damn it. No, I, I, but I actually do think though that they, the taste buds evolve. And I agree with you. I think it's actually neurological. Yeah. I think that the taste buds do evolve.

8:49 Drew I think they actually kind of burn out a little bit. The whatever it is. I think we are programmed to want fatty and sweet fruits because we need the calories to grow. And as we mature, those mechanisms deteriorate, go away, change, alter, configure to something more discriminating.

9:02 Caller Yeah. Or just something like you appreciate sour and bitter and there is something sort of chemical and structural that goes on.

9:09 Drew I actually don't think you learn that so much as it is sort of part of maturing biologically.

9:14 Caller Because I think if you raised people to adulthood on an island and only gave them kid food and then brought them back to society, those adults would like coffee pretty quickly.

9:25 Drew Yep, I agree.

9:25 Caller Most of those. And there was ones that liked that yummy crap would like that yummy crap.

9:34 Adam So you crave the fats, you crave the starches, you crave the sugars when you're young. And then later on, it shuts off. You start turning on like whiskey and hooker nipple.

9:44 Caller My older brother is a total like, my older brother, because he's had health problems, he's three years older than me. He's just had like, he had like gallbladder issues and stuff. And so like what the way he's adjusted himself, like his diet, he's overweight, but he's also he's a gigantic person. He's like six foot five and he's a really big man. But the way he's adjusted is that like, he'll only get three candy bars a day, you know? And I like, I honestly, I cannot remember the last time. It's been probably 20 years since I bought a candy bar.

10:24 Drew Stolen many, but you know, yes.

10:26 Caller No, but I mean like, you know, after Halloween, there'll like the, you know, there'll be the minis around and I might have one. It's not like I would be above it. But never would I like go to the gas station.

10:37 Drew But he's a big movie star.

10:38 Caller And get a.

10:40 Adam Hey. And all. I know what you're saying.

10:43 Caller I go to the gas station. I hang out at the gas station all the time.

10:46 Adam You got to smoke some pot.

10:49 Caller I got. I have to.

10:50 Adam Yeah.

10:50 Caller Now I do. Now.

10:51 Adam All right. Well, wait for the.

10:53 Caller No, you know, no, I. Yeah.

10:56 Adam Sure.

10:56 Caller Sure.

10:56 Drew No, I've come all the way around with Andy. And is every fraternity house has an Andy.

11:01 Adam Yeah.

11:02 Caller No, I see that. See that people think they put me in the frat thing.

11:05 Adam But now.

11:06 Caller Oh, no, no, no, no.

11:08 Adam What'd you know? What would you do?

11:09 Caller Frat houses are loaded with what? Can I say dicks?

11:13 Adam Yeah.

11:14 Caller OK.

11:14 Adam I think dicks.

11:15 Caller Yeah.

11:16 Adam I don't like that.

11:17 Caller I do not like that. I do not like.

11:19 Drew Would you? Could you?

11:21 Caller Yeah, I actually was. It's actually sort of like probably my darkest secret. You know, there's the the homo stuff. But then the other darkest secret is no, is is I was a member of a fraternity.

11:33 Drew You are.

11:33 Caller Yeah. I started out at University of Illinois in Champaign-Urbana. Yeah. And I went and I joined a fraternity because I was from a small town. And I thought, well, if I want to have a social life and U of I is like. Chokingly Greek, you know, like, yeah, it's like one of the at the time, it was a fairly academic school, too. It's a pretty good school. Yeah, that's I mean, that's I went there because it was cheap and I had pretty good grades and I couldn't afford Northwestern.

12:01 Drew And and so I thought I'll join if we've seen Northern Illinois State.

12:06 Caller Yeah, Northern Illinois, it's just no Northern Northern Illinois in DeKalb.

12:09 Adam Yeah, we've been there twice.

12:11 Caller That's part of this. Yeah, that's part of the they invented. They had to go back. Was it Cindy Crawford days? You know, she's in a barbed wire.

12:20 Adam I had to point out much of the dismay of the large crowd that, yes, Cindy Crawford may have been born here, but she got her ass out as soon as she could walk. I mean, she she took off immediately.

12:32 Drew I think it's all you have to know because of ejected her.

12:35 Adam Yeah. Well, the thing is, is it shouldn't be where you're born. Anyone can be born anyway. It's where it's where you end up. And she was smart enough at 13 to hit Milan and get the hell out of there and never been back.

12:47 Caller Milan.

12:47 Adam Anyway, I'm taking my mole and getting out of the other.

12:50 Caller I joined a fraternity because I thought that's the only way to party. And I quickly realized it was a mistake. Yeah, because there were it was very much like what I feel like is happening in this country, because I sort of ended up hanging with the Stoners and the Stoners were really kind of cool. But they couldn't be bothered to like have a life, no, to hold offices of power within the house. So it was all these other like guys that when you made fun of the fact that it was like some sort of all the, you know, the rituals and stuff were just like crypto fascist BS from some like goofy Baptist from one hundred and twelve years ago and said like, no, this is really that's stupid, all that stuff. And they get really mad at you. Yeah, that's that's, you know, it was sort of like, but those guys were the only ones who would run for office. So they would set the rules. I know. Yeah. Well, they're all they're all, you know, apologizing for photos and videos.

13:49 Adam This guy's having had shows canceled on Fox. No way.

13:52 Caller What does that mean?

13:53 Adam I'm just you're just fishing.

13:55 Caller They're just fishing. You don't even know what that is.

13:58 Adam No, it was it was it was a subtle. It was bad. I shouldn't have said anything.

14:03 Caller I'm lashing out.

14:04 Drew He's never had a show on Fox alone. Cancel.

14:08 Caller Yeah.

14:08 Drew All right.

14:09 Adam Now, let's get back to the phones. But let me say this. Do you feel this way sort of about politicians like this sort of Dan Quayles and even the George Bush's and many others in office? You get to feel, you know, when they were 19, they were that stupid fraternity guy who was, you know, making everyone go by the pledge book and all that kind of stuff. Didn't seem to be very creative, didn't seem to be very smart, but yet seem to sort of power forward despite their own inadequacies emotionally and intellectually. All right. Amanda?

14:40 Drew Adam feels much better now.

14:42 Adam Thank you. Oh, you know what I wanted to mention before Drew coming off is the Calve also invented a barbed wire.

14:47 Drew Yeah, that's a big claim to fame, which again, they have the museum there.

14:50 Adam I had to point it out to them that that was no big, big kicks either. Wire and barbs both existed. You guys just, you know, put them together. Barbs.

14:59 Caller Yeah, but the barb industry was really struggling until they finally put it with wire. Oh, there's barbs all over the place.

15:08 Adam Yeah, the people that got in on the ground floor of the barb industry are laughing pretty good now, Andy.

15:13 Drew Where do you think Barbie came from? Oh, no, Mr. Smart.

15:18 Adam Amanda?

15:19 Uh-huh.

15:20 Adam You're 22? What's up?

15:24 Caller OK, so I have a little bit of a problem. I kind of have gotten in trouble sleeping around with different people. I had a boyfriend for about three years a while ago. More recently, I dated a guy for a couple of months and we were still friends. We still talk. We kind of broke it off while he's going. He's getting divorced. And his problem is that he thinks that because that was my past, that if we were to get back together, he thinks I'll keep, you know, Let me get this straight.

15:59 Drew He was somebody you were cheating with?

16:02 Caller No. Well, he was already getting, he was in the process of getting a divorce when I met him.

16:06 Drew No, I understand that he was cheating. But were you also cheating?

16:11 Adam You never cheated on him?

16:14 Drew You never used him to cheat on someone else?

16:17 Caller When we met, like, he asked me all kinds of questions about my past and had a really big interest in everyone that I had, you know, been with. He wanted to know. Which is understandable. I mean, I think it goes both ways.

16:28 Drew It is, but it isn't. We generally believe that people shouldn't freak each other out with that. On the other hand, from your standpoint, you should understand unless you do some significant work on yourself, history does predict future.

16:39 Adam Oh, absolutely.

16:41 Caller Well, and then the thing is, this is what happened. He knew that when I was first talking to him before we were officially dating, I was kind of seeing someone else at the same time, and it bothered him.

16:53 Drew That's what I'm saying. He expects that you will do to him what you have done to other boyfriends.

16:58 Adam Yeah, and what he did to you.

17:00 Drew And you should expect the same thing because he cheated on somebody too.

17:03 Adam Sort of.

17:04 Caller Yeah, well, the thing with his wife, he never loved her.

17:08 Drew All right, they all say that. They all say that.

17:10 Caller Yeah, I don't know. I mean, and that's what he tells me now, but it was really his suggestion. He told me, well, you need to call Dr. Drew and figure out what the heck's wrong with you.

17:18 Adam Okay, well, hold on, hold on. How many times have you done this?

17:22 Caller Well, okay, so I dated a guy for three years, and he was the first person I slept with. Since then, I've slept with seven other people.

17:29 Drew All right, and that was so long.

17:30 Adam I know, but I'm asking how many times you cheated on one of them.

17:34 Caller I haven't. Like, I cheated on my boyfriend of three years once. All right. And then that's it.

17:42 Drew Hold on, hang on a second. Let's clarify even further. Is that cheating episode, was that at the end of that relationship?

17:49 Caller Well, it's a little more complicated than that. Like, I knew he was going to be leaving. He had to do, like, this church religious mission thing. And so I knew a long time before he was going to be leaving, and I think that was hard for me to handle. I don't know for sure, but it worked towards the end of the three years.

18:06 Adam All right. So here's what's going on. The guy is an older guy. He's 22. He's doing a little mind control thing on her. I don't like this guy that much. I like the idea that he said to talk to Dr. Drew.

18:20 Drew You like that, huh?

18:21 Adam For some reason. That's the best thing.

18:22 Drew That's what you like about him best.

18:23 Caller That's the only thing he's got going for.

18:26 Drew Even that's kind of manipulative, because he knows you that you'd respond positively to that.

18:30 Adam Maybe I'm playing into his hand.

18:31 Drew Exactly.

18:32 Adam Amanda, how old is this guy?

18:34 Caller He's actually going to be 23.

18:36 Adam So he's a young guy, and his marriage didn't last very long.

18:40 Caller Well, yeah, and like I said, he married... The woman he married, it was because of...

18:46 Drew No, we don't care.

18:47 Adam Look, here's what it is. This guy's 23, and when you're 23, you ask all those horrible questions, and he becomes some sort of... A star stenographer of this person's past, and they want to know everything, and then as soon as you collect all that information, you then start using it against them, and you end up confusing the person, because it's like it's done in a way where, I just don't want that to happen to me, and it's all BS.

19:11 Drew It's not even that. It's really just that male bravado. It's just the testosterone is making them angry that this is territory where other males have been.

19:20 Caller You were cheating on him before you even knew it.

19:22 Drew Exactly. That is the affective, it's the affect state they're in. It's all BS.

19:27 Adam So here's what I think women, by the way, because this happens to almost every young woman when she hooks up with a 19 or 22 year old guy or something. Here's the tack they should take, not only for them, but for the guys. Because you have to treat guys like you're treating a pet or a child. They need boundaries. They need to be contained. The pet needs to go in the crate, otherwise it's going to run all over the house. Crap everywhere. Same with the kid, by the way. Do they have crates for them? Because otherwise you can't transport them, can you?

19:56 Caller They're called boxes for kids.

19:57 Adam So here's the thing. I go and punch holes in the top of the mace. Oh, okay. So here's the thing. You need to say to them, look, I'm not a virgin, neither are you. I love you. You love me. Let's move forward. I have no diseases and I have no problem.

20:13 Drew Right. Even clearer than this, look, I haven't done anything unusual for somebody my age. I've had other relationships. You can count on me to be monogamous in this one. That's my intention. Nobody's perfect. Let's get on with it.

20:24 Caller Yeah, but first you need to tell yourself you haven't done anything wrong.

20:28 Drew Because I think he's...

20:31 Caller Yeah, but no, but I mean, yeah, but you know what? Life is, you know, people do a lot of stuff. And, you know, you probably, I'm assuming you never killed anybody or that, you know, that you were never cruel to anybody. But, you know, stuff happens and if this guy is making you feel bad and first of all, I don't like the fact that he's snooping around preemptively.

20:55 Drew We're more worried about him than we're worried about her. Although we're completely capitulating to the fact that he referred her to us.

21:02 Caller No, but I do think, too, that if he's making you feel bad about what does not sound to me, like from the little bit of information, does not sound like you have anything to feel bad about whatsoever.

21:16 Drew We agree.

21:18 Caller That next time this happens, say, get out.

21:24 Adam Andy just sort of coasts into us.

21:27 Caller I don't know. I realize it's late.

21:31 Adam It's Sunday night.

21:33 Caller Come on.

21:33 Drew Father's Day.

21:34 Adam Let's go.

21:35 Drew Everybody go see it.

21:36 Adam I'm going to get a little time. It's 722.22 every 7 o'clock. Andy Richter in studio tonight coasts into a stop. New York Minute coming up. Coast to a stop. Not a bad name for a sitcom.

21:47 Caller Coasting to a stop. That really sounds like something. You want to see that. Something called inertia. Check it out.

21:56 Drew Amanda, I hope that helped out. But it's not, it's, your boyfriend is right. You are freaking out a little bit, but we are also concerned about him.

22:01 Adam Too much talk about him.

22:02 Caller He's being a jerk.

22:02 Drew All right.

22:03 Adam Well, let me just check in with Anthony before we go to break. Anthony?

22:12 Hi, my question is for Drew. I've become a compulsive eater over the years, after my teenage years, after high school. What I pretty much do is, I wash what I'm eating during the day, but then at night, I'll go out on a binge, I'll go to a fast food joint, you know, eat burgers and fries.

22:34 Adam All right, hold on a second.

22:36 Hold on. Hold on.

22:36 Adam We got to take a break. We got to go. Drew's going to go rape the candy machine, ironically, during the break. Let me just say this. I just struck me, you know, everyone's always talking about fast food and what it's doing to the kids, and everyone's getting obese and everything.

22:51 Caller I know I am. I'm always talking about it.

22:53 Adam The thing they don't talk about, that I really thought about is fast food, the drive-through is open till midnight or two o'clock everywhere now, which is really adding a whole new wrinkle to this stuff because, you know, back in the day, the place would close at eight o'clock or nine o'clock, maybe the late night one stayed open at 10, but there's no more of that sitting around feeling the urges at one 30 in the morning and hitting the drive-through. You know, knowing it's out there, knowing you're, you know, four, three, four bucks away from something that's open till 2 a.m. And it's around the corner. That's, that's, that's extra.

23:28 Caller Well, and as it's good, a severe dent in the 7-Eleven bean burrito business.

23:33 Drew And as we've been hearing since our childhood, Adam, 60 million children go to bed hungry in our country every night.

23:40 Adam That's right.

23:41 Drew Hunger is a huge problem. We've been hearing nothing but that and secondhand smoke since we were 12.

23:45 Adam Right. Which is it? Yeah. Well, they're hungry and morbidly obese at the same time. Smoking and smoking. Actually, there's a smoker blowing secondhand smoke at that. We're going to take a quick break. Andy Richter here tonight. Well, maybe. Talk to. No, he's got a second win. He was coasting a little bit. He's back. He's a dear friend.

24:04 Caller I didn't have anything more to say.

24:05 Adam No, that's all right.

24:07 Caller I just realized I don't care about anyone's problems but my own. I know it's a problem when a show like this, but you had me come back.

24:14 Adam No, we did.

24:15 Caller We did.

24:17 Adam Andy clearly didn't want to come tonight. I was surprised to see him here, quite honestly. I really was. When I came through the door at 9.50, 8.30.

24:26 Caller I do what I say except when I forget.

24:28 Adam That's right. Dear, dear friend, Andy, are you there? I do like you haven't brought it up.

24:32 Caller No.

24:32 Adam You know what? We got to go to break. I'd like to at least attempt to hang out with you a little bit, just not now, not for a few years, but just because you're on my short list of cool people to hang out with. Oh, thank you. Like Russ saying, yeah, me and Rick, we bow a little bit, we should buy some cars. It's cool.

24:52 Caller We went to Splash, got a tub.

24:54 Adam You're very high. You're regarded very highly in the industry.

24:58 Caller Oh, thank you for the hangout.

24:59 Adam Yeah, for the hangout factor. All right. We'll take a quick break. And can you introduce me to Odenkirk, too, by the way? He's on my list. I'll see you around with Rick and Odenkirk, me and him. We'll just kick around some ideas.

25:13 Caller Wow, I didn't realize I'd be dropping.

25:15 Adam We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. Dr., how much money do guys spend trying to get chicks? Into the billion? Cars? Everything. Condos? Hair plugs? All they need is a max deodorant body spray. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam Carolla, that's Dr. Drew, this is the best of Loveline. Coming up, a couple of guys that were drunk.

25:54 Drew Yeah, they're as good as their names.

25:56 Adam Yeah, they're wild boys from MTV, Steve-O, Chris Pontius. You know, everyone goes, drunk is a skunk. But listen, you just finding an animal that rhymes with drunk, that's never been drunk.

26:07 Drew Doesn't work.

26:08 Adam You're gonna have to do better than that. You find me a drunken, an actual drunken animal. I'm tired of people taking the easy way out with just finding stuff that rhymes. Doesn't work.

26:17 Drew They were a mess, remember that?

26:19 Adam Yes.

26:19 Drew Steve Lawrence, Chris.

26:20 Adam Yes, a mess. But our mess is your listening enjoyment. Thank you. Hey everybody, it's Loveline. All right, cause Drew goes off like a merchant marine.

26:41 Best Of Dude, that's odd too to get those radio DJs suspended in Canada. Yeah, for us to get Drew.

26:47 Adam Chris Pontius is here tonight, along with Steve Ho, Wild Boys, name of the show.

26:52 Best Of God, that's a really, really, what do you call it? Condescending, you know, that clap track. I mean, I forgot.

27:01 Adam No, it's an homage. Sunday Nights, 10.30 on MTV. We got a question for the guys from Cody over here, who's 13. Cody?

27:12 Caller What's up?

27:13 Adam What's up?

27:16 Best Of What's up, brother?

27:17 Caller Hey, dude, you're my idol, man.

27:20 Best Of Hell yeah, not as much as I am mine, dude. Oh, well, Chris was the pioneer of the, the lock licking club. How did it taste, Chris? It tasted like crap. It was crap. What do you mean what did it taste like? It was crap. Of course it tasted like crap.

27:44 Adam It tasted like a minty freshness.

27:47 Drew Steve, you vomit after most of these things, right?

27:48 Best Of There's the, yeah, I've got the weight. It's not that I have a weak stomach instead I have a powerful stomach. It didn't taste that bad.

27:53 Drew But you vomit, I've seen many pictures of you vomiting and gagging, which is-

27:56 Best Of Yeah, and it- Good impulse, it's a good impulse. It's really never, only ever did I vomit on purpose when it was to regurgitate the goldfish before it died. Sure. And I forget, I forget what else. Oh yeah, when I was trying to vomit out the condom full of marijuana that I smuggled internationally in Sweden.

28:14 Adam Oh yeah, remember that, got a little hot water.

28:16 Best Of But yeah, it's not that I have a weak stomach, I just have a powerful imagination. And something doesn't even have to be gross, but once I think, you know-

28:23 Drew Yeah, but you guys don't have to vomit in the gross stuff you get into.

28:27 Best Of Really bad news too, like, I don't know what was worse for my teeth, like chewing glass or vomiting.

28:33 Drew You guys are traveling in those weird places, do you ever get any weird illnesses or anything?

28:40 Best Of You know, we've been, I personally, I think you do too, go out of my way to drink tap water in every damn country.

28:46 Drew Trying to get cholera?

28:48 Best Of No, just trying to build my immune system. That's how you do it.

28:52 Drew We're warriors.

28:53 Best Of Yeah, dude, like-

28:54 Drew Most of that worked by killing-

28:55 Best Of I drank tap water in India, Africa, like, everywhere.

28:58 Drew Most of that worked by killing off the people that couldn't tolerate the water, but any weird STDs or anything?

29:05 Best Of We're perplexed. We're completely perplexed. We believe that all these STD talk is complete propaganda because really-

29:13 Drew Their penis is still attached to their body.

29:15 Adam Yeah, that's amazing how that worked.

29:18 It's paid for by the, the propaganda is paid for by the condom companies.

29:21 Drew Yeah.

29:22 Best Of You see, the thing is, I like-

29:23 Drew You've never gotten STD?

29:24 No, actually, we're both pretty good about the old condoms.

29:30 Best Of No, we really are. And I mean, if, if we do have STDs, then they're dormant. And I-

29:36 Drew Yeah, neurocephalus.

29:37 Best Of And if-

29:38 Drew Serpies, neurocephalus, STD.

29:41 Best Of Yeah, I believe, I believe a strong, positive mental attitude keeps the STDs dormant, just like laughter cures cancer, you know? You got, it's all the power of the mind.

29:49 Adam That's right. You put a smile on your face, you keep the herpes off it.

29:52 Drew That's good.

29:53 Best Of Yeah, and like, we're, we're good about rubbers, and I can't hump a girl without giving her my email, and at least my email, if not my cell phone number. And so, and I-

30:01 Drew So you don't want them calling you up later, and-

30:03 Best Of No, no, no, like, yeah, no, I genuinely do.

30:06 Drew If you didn't use a condom, you wouldn't want them.

30:09 Best Of Well, no, no, no, no, like-

30:10 Adam No, he's saying-

30:10 Drew You want them to call.

30:11 Adam If they find out, they got something to call.

30:13 Best Of Exactly, like, I mean, I'm not gonna say there's a lot of them, but there's a few, you know? They can get ahold of me if anything turned up shady.

30:22 Adam You guys scrape anything up when you travel, I mean, woman-wise? I mean, first off, most of the places we go. They might not know you where you're going, right?

30:31 Best Of Yeah, most of the places.

30:32 Adam So it's just, you become this sort of bizarre sideshow?

30:36 Best Of There was this one night in Bombay. Well, let's just say that, Yeah, big gal? Okay, so this dude comes into the room and it's his room and it's his wife. She tells him to get the hell out.

30:54 Wow, a hotel room?

30:55 Best Of No, it was his house.

30:56 Oh my God.

30:57 Best Of Wow.

30:58 And then while she was doing something to his wiener, he was giving Steve-O a bong hit.

31:04 Adam Oh really? I mean the hookah out of the hookah?

31:06 Best Of It was really, really creepy.

31:08 They weren't Indian.

31:08 Best Of It was a Canadian couple that lived in Bombay.

31:10 Adam Wow, swinging.

31:12 Drew He was like the Dutch couple.

31:13 I asked him what her haircut was like below the belt and he said it was pretty tangly, but he would have never noticed because of the fat the hand hung over it.

31:24 Adam Smart, yeah, she got like the fanny pack that hangs over the mask.

31:27 Caller It might as well have been a bald eagle.

31:31 Adam A panacea, yeah, it's nice. You see it on guys at the gym often times.

31:35 Drew It's nice.

31:37 Adam All right, so yeah, it's bad when someone has to hold something out of the way so you can get to their stuff.

31:41 Drew This is where Steve-O's sort of formulated his disgust for humanity. This is where the stuff came into sharp focus.

32:18 Caller For Dr. Drew, I went to the doctor about a month ago and my doctor put me on Prozac because I've been having a lot of mood swings and he put me on this to try it out. And I noticed that when I'm with my husband, I just don't feel the same anymore.

32:34 Drew Right, that's, Prozac will shut you down sexually.

32:38 Caller Is there anything that I can like, like I heard that about jail by jail or something like that?

32:42 Drew No, no, no, no, no, Lizette, this is very, very, and there's nothing you can get over the counter if they can correct this, period. In fact, there probably is nothing you can do. It makes sex seem like uncomfortable or sort of difficult to understand even. It's hard to orgasm. Sometimes adding wellbutrin will correct this. So you can ask him about adding wellbutrin, but probably the most efficacious thing that's going to be suggested is switching to either serosone, remeron, or just a straight wellbutrin. Those are the three that don't cause the sexual side effects.

33:14 Caller Okay, because I mean, I don't know if I take 20 milligrams or 50 milligrams, but I thought maybe he's like, he tones it down or something, it wouldn't affect me so much.

33:22 Drew Not likely. Prozac will shut you down.

33:24 Caller Prozac has played out.

33:26 Adam Yeah, and...

33:27 Best Of Xanax is so much cooler.

33:29 Adam So it's like for... I put an order in a long time ago.

33:35 Drew I didn't fill it.

33:36 Adam Come on, buddy.

33:38 Drew Esteve, he's got tons of them. He's worked for the company. Yeah, he's got Xana bars floating down the...

33:44 Caller Well, you guys, I mean, we've had some interesting plane rides recently.

33:47 Best Of Yeah, I've had some.

33:50 Adam You get a little Xanax on the plane? Yeah. And plus you guys are like evil can evil. You have a lot of injuries. You have to have doctors prescribe you painkillers and stuff, right?

34:01 Best Of That is true that we do experience a lot of pain.

34:04 Adam You experience pain and it's important to numb that pain in your profession.

34:08 Best Of You know, like for the TV show, we're here to promote Wild Boys.

34:12 Adam Sure.

34:12 Best Of You know, like I really don't think that Wild Boys is as entertaining as like a reality TV show of like all of our off-camera time would be. So you need to have like an Osborne, I mean, I don't know, I'm not saying that we need to. I'm just saying none of it would be airable. Like, from how shocking we strive to be on TV, it's our most shocking moments that are nowhere near the cameras.

34:33 Adam That are real.

34:34 Best Of Just about universally.

34:35 Adam Just a whole, you could have done a two-part.

34:36 Best Of We genuinely live our art.

34:37 Adam Two-part special on Bangin the Fat Canadian. Could have, I mean.

34:41 Drew I don't know.

34:42 Adam That could have been a couple weeks of programming.

34:45 Best Of I don't know. Even as fat as she was, it was only a few minutes. I still have my stamina issues, guys.

34:54 Adam Really?

34:57 Best Of That's too fast. Yeah, totally. But the thing is, like, how can a man feel embarrassed about premature ejaculation when, by definition, it's the most, the most a man can compliment a woman?

35:13 Adam It's a real tip of the ball.

35:14 Best Of It is the most flattering, the least simple, most flattering act that a man can.

35:18 Drew And from an evolutionary perspective, I mean, that's how you're gonna pass the stuff along, right?

35:22 Best Of Exactly, you know? And it's like, I say it every single time I hear, is that it? Are you done? You know, you've got to be kidding me. You know, like, what about me? I've heard it all. And every single time I say the same thing, I say, Very, very good natured about this. Yeah, every single time I say, Yeah, I say, you know, it's not my fault you're so damn hot. You know?

35:45 Caller Everyone's called the, Everyone has pulled the move where you put it in and you do a few pumps and then you feel like, you're gonna explode, you're like, oh, we shouldn't be doing this without a condom.

35:54 Best Of That's all, I think that's really what keeps The Wild Boys clean, is that we're both such premature ejaculators that we actually use condoms as like, you're just not in there long enough to catch anything. You know, like I need that layer of latex in between me and the situation to try not to be so fast. Well, you know, it's free, you know, we're embarrassed, we're embarrassed if we don't wear a condom.

36:17 Drew How long, how long with the condom? How long are you gonna be?

36:19 Best Of It depends, it depends on how much drugs and alcohol are involved, but-

36:23 Drew Three minutes for me.

36:24 Best Of You know, like, and I've even been in situations where, with like, you know, with a condom on and with my bro in the room, you know, like filming or not, I've had bros pick up the camera because they realized I started and before they could turn the damn thing on, I was finished. You know, and I've had like, I've had round, like, round number two be, and three be faster than the first one. I'll recharge.

36:47 Adam Wow.

36:47 Best Of I'll reload within like 15, 20 minutes. Passionate man. And then genuinely be just as fast. Not all the time, though.

36:54 Adam Well, let me, Steve touched on something I thought was interesting earlier, which was, he was saying, why should he be punished for his evolutionary advantage?

37:04 Best Of Exactly.

37:05 Adam And I was thinking, though.

37:06 Best Of And his compliment. How can you flatter a woman more? Right. What's more testimony to the fact that you're turned on than blasting?

37:14 Adam Right. And, well, perhaps jewelry. But the point is, the point is, I was thinking about the same could be argued for the fat chick. She just processes food more efficiently. She gets more energy out of that snickers than the skinny chick does. But yet we punish her. So we punish the man who's more efficient and we punish the woman who's more efficient.

37:36 Best Of From a psychological perspective, if you put yourself in the position of the woman, like a premature ejaculation is extremely flattering. The ultimate tip of the hat. Whereas the ultimate attack on a woman is to be left there, say 30, 45 minutes into it, where the lady's no longer moist and then it becomes uncomfortable for her. And she's just trying.

38:02 Drew Five or six minutes into it.

38:03 Adam Right.

38:03 Best Of Yeah, and that's the worst thing that can happen to a woman. She's sitting there saying, what's wrong with you?

38:11 Drew She's thinking.

38:11 Adam Chivalry is not dead. She's thinking, why has a new name?

38:14 Drew It's Steve-O.

38:15 Best Of Chivalry, she's thinking, what's wrong with me? Why can't I get this guy off? You know, what, am I not hot?

38:20 Drew Right, and in fact, it's just a biological thing.

38:23 Best Of You know, and so that's why.

38:25 Caller Sometimes the ugly ones get me even more excited. Like I've been, I've been humping a girl before that's so hideous, I'm like, I'm thinking to myself, Chris, you are gnarly.

38:36 Best Of Because the actual act of sex, the wild boys can take it or leave it. It's bragging to each other and the rest of the crew that we do it for.

38:43 Caller With the digital cameras, we can prove it.

38:47 Caller Yeah, and now with these new digital cameras, it's not only bragging, it's show and tell.

38:52 Best Of Let's take a little break. Boy, have I been putting together some memory cards.

39:01 Adam Oh, they're having a good time. They're gonna start bottoming out soon.

39:03 Best Of No, we aren't. You goofy little fart sniffer.

39:09 Drew Poor little Chris over here, he's weird now.

39:14 Best Of Why is it that when you rub your balls while you're jerking off, that it feels so much better? Dude, it does, damn it, it does.

39:22 Adam These questions and others will be...

39:24 Drew Drew, words are rarely said when you're thinking about how gnarly you are, or is that just so you can find it?

39:31 Adam We gotta get back on the track here. We're gonna take, Drew, no more talking. Well, yeah, Drew, please, bite the tongue. We'll be right back after this.

39:47 Mark your calendars. The Olympics in Athens are coming August 13th to the Networks of NBC.

40:05 Adam Well, thank Christ we got those wild boys out of the studio and then a beautiful breath of fresh air named Nelly Furtado blew in.

40:13 Drew Fantastic.

40:14 Adam Great voice, an angel, looks like an angel. Sings like an angel. I'm in love with this woman. You will be too after this. Yeah, now see, Drew's argument to that kind of stuff is you just don't know what's going on. All right, what happens there is Drew has guests fill out tests and I don't talk if they're filling out the tests during the commercial, but it's not like it ever comes up. Nellie Furtado is here tonight. And Drew, what about that part of you that doesn't pipe up when this is going? You don't notice it? When the person's taking the test?

40:54 Drew Yeah, I'm focused on the next call and stuff.

40:59 Adam We gotta get you a little bell or something.

41:01 Drew Anderson's a mighty bell, I appreciate it very much.

41:02 And he's got to sit through 189 of them.

41:05 Adam But by the time Anderson pipes up, it's only because there's been dead air for a few seconds. All right, there's nothing we can do.

41:11 What's up, Anderson?

41:13 Adam Yeah, Nellie Furtado here tonight. Folklore, name of the CD. Let's get to the phones. Andrea? You're 22? What's up?

41:28 Caller Well, my question is about different lubes. A lot of lubes I use tend to sting really bad. There's only been one that I've used that hasn't. And I'm just wondering, like, maybe what the ingredients are that I need to steer clear from, like, when I'm buying other lube.

41:42 Drew What was the one that didn't sting?

41:44 Miracle whip.

41:46 Caller It was like a hustler sample or something that my boyfriend picked up when he picked up a toy or something.

41:51 Adam Nice. Probably got a strip club, by the way, but go ahead.

41:55 Drew Your vagina becomes irritated? You get vaginal irritation?

42:07 Adam Ah, old-fashioned.

42:09 Drew Maybe you just irritate that area with the act you're doing, and maybe just by coincidence one time it didn't irritate things.

42:17 Caller Well, we used the hustler one a few times. It was just a small bottle, though. But like Astro Glide and Id, they both sting if I use it vaginally as well.

42:31 Adam Mm-hmm.

42:33 Caller And I thought those were supposed to be like... I thought Astro Glide was supposed to be all water-based and...

42:38 Drew Yes, these are fairly inert. There must be maybe some fragrance in them or something you reacted to.

42:43 Adam I don't think so. Why don't you...

42:45 Drew That doesn't make sense.

42:46 Adam Here's what Drew's saying. Drew's saying maybe there was a little trauma down there and it wasn't the lube, it was just...

42:54 Drew The action.

42:55 Adam The action. Yeah. It's like you threw a rod in the engine and you're blaming the oil. It wasn't the oil's fault.

43:02 Drew But she's saying that each time they tried this one, it was better than the others.

43:06 Adam Well, feel free, by the way... And let me explain the theory behind samples. You're supposed to use them and then like them, whether it be breakfast cereal, car wax or anal lube. And we all love it when we get one of those in the Sunday paper, the anal lube sampler. Sure, sure. Collect and trade. Use the sample. They don't give you enough to last your whole lifetime. See, if they give you a 55-gallon drum sample, well, you'd never be back. Now, you use the sample, you like the sample, you buy more than the sample.

43:39 Drew Oh, yeah, you buy the product.

43:41 Adam That's right. You actually go out and get the product. Andrea?

43:44 Caller Yes.

43:45 Adam So, why don't you hop online and buy that Hustler ass loop?

43:51 Caller Yeah, well, I was just thinking that it's hard to find, but then you just said online, and I agree.

43:57 Drew How hard could it be?

43:59 Adam And by the way, somebody who's engaging in copious amounts of cornholing, I would imagine has a strong constitution and a can-do type attitude.

44:09 Drew Yes, can-do.

44:11 Caller Can-did.

44:12 Adam Yeah, am I right? I mean, that's kind of, that's an individual.

44:15 Caller That's right.

44:16 Adam That's what we call chutzpah. I'm not sure what you call it over there in Canada or Spain. Or, wait, Portugal. Yeah. What we got over here is a little something called chutzpah.

44:27 Drew Moxie, I think is really what this one has.

44:29 Adam We pick ourselves up by our own thong-back straps and get to work, and that's why this country is number one.

44:37 Caller All right.

44:37 Adam Quick Mark question, because I've got a question for Nellie before she leaves. Mark?

44:43 Caller I'm here.

44:43 Adam You got a question for Nellie?

44:45 Caller Nellie, how you doing?

44:47 Hi, how are you? Mark?

44:49 Caller Yeah, that's me. First of all, I got to say you are fine. Two kinds of fine.

44:55 Two kinds?

44:56 Adam Maybe three.

44:58 Caller Three, possibly four. But anyway, I want to know how you feel about being accepted by the hip hop community like you did, and who would you like to work with in hip hop?

45:07 Oh, that's a nice question. Yeah, I don't know. For me, I just started when I was about 12 years old. I got into hip hop and R&B, and I lived in Victoria, you know, a suburban sort of small town, mostly white town. But we picked up some Seattle radio stations with some urban stuff. And also in my city, I had hip hop emcees as my generation, you know, suburban hip hop's a reality. So that's what I flocked towards. And I wrote rhymes for a while when I was 14. And that's why nowadays as an adult, when I bounce into the studio with these different hip hop groups, I feel right at home. And it's just a groove, it's just a vibe. It's all just another influence for me.

45:49 Adam Who would you like to work with that you haven't worked with?

45:53 I heard you rapped, Adam.

45:54 Adam Yeah, I do a little Russian rap.

45:58 Oh, yeah, no, Mark's heard it.

46:02 Adam With holes and treats.

46:04 Oh, with the Neptune still.

46:06 Adam The Neptune?

46:07 We've been meaning to work for a while. We'll work together. And then rap. Actually, Missy and I, maybe production would be fun, do something together from scratch.

46:18 Adam Missy, Missy Elliott?

46:20 Caller Yeah! Working with The Roots was fun. The Roots, J5, I'm here, LA. But yeah, anybody really. I'm the type of person where you put me in a room with anybody and I try to make it work. I'm an idealist, so.

46:41 Adam Now, we... Hold on. We've got to take a break and Nellie's only...

46:45 Drew Dr. Drew in the hisses.

46:47 Adam Hold on. We've got to go. Nellie's only in for the first hour, so we have to say... Adios to the big Nell stuff. Nellie Furtado, everyone. Folklore, name of the CD. Always a delight. Come in sooner than three years, please.

47:03 Caller I will. I will. Before another three. Thanks, guys.

47:06 Adam We'll be back right after this.

47:07 Caller All right, guys.

47:08 Caller Bottom line, here's the deal.

47:11 Caller Sick of wasting time with the wrong person. One call's all you need to make.

47:14 Call the Dateline.

47:16 Caller 877-889-DATE.

47:22 Loveline with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

47:24 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

47:27 Caller We'll be right back.

47:29 This hour brought to you in part by Axe.

47:32 Caller Experience the Axe Effect.

47:53 Adam Hey, everybody, best of Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Don't bother calling. We're on tape, but that don't mean it can't be good.

48:00 Drew No, it will be good because we're on tape, and it's selected to be good.

48:03 Adam That's right.

48:04 Drew A lot of dear friends of the show on tonight.

48:06 Adam Yeah, next guy you remember from Saturday Night Live, I believe he's on for eight years now, doing a lot of stand-up, many other projects, and always a funny, funny, and dear, dear funny, funny friend, Kevin Nealon. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Full phone number, 1-800-LOVE-191. Kevin Nealon is here tonight.

48:27 Hey, everybody.

48:28 Adam Dear, dear friend, Kevin Nealon. You can also hear Kevin doing his work on Crank Yankers, by the way, which I don't plug enough.

48:36 That is a fun show.

48:37 Adam Comedy Central, 10 o'clock Tuesday nights, I do believe. And, yes, Drew.

48:42 Drew I was just watching one that Sarah did the other night, and she just keeps going.

48:46 Adam Which one, Hadassah Gooberman?

48:48 Drew She was talking to the perfume counter at Macy's or something, and somebody had sprayed some of his vagina.

48:56 Adam Yes, she likes that vagina part. That's her favorite part, Sarah Silverman.

49:00 Drew She keeps going, she doesn't stop.

49:01 Adam Very funny, and dear, dear friend, by the way.

49:04 If you call her on the phone, her answering machine answers is always, she says something about that.

49:09 Drew About her private parts.

49:10 Adam Really? Yeah. I have a hilarious outgoing message myself, Dr. Drew knows it well.

49:18 Drew You got it Anderson there?

49:19 Adam Yeah, Anderson. And I change it about every...

49:21 Drew You never changed it.

49:23 Adam Well, it's been eight years.

49:24 Drew Yeah, that's my point.

49:25 Adam I could change it.

49:26 Drew Where is it Anderson?

49:27 Adam Anderson, I'll sign it.

49:28 Caller There it is.

49:36 Adam Yeah, I feel like an asshole laughing at my own material, but if it's funny, it's funny.

49:40 But that's a good one. Some people make you sit through like, three minutes of, you know, that what they think is funny and it's the only time to like perform.

49:49 Adam Here's the ones I get pissed at. I get pissed at the one where you're calling the guy. The guy has his wife leave the outgoing message and says, we're not home and leaves no names. So it's very unclear as to whether, now-

50:08 Drew Is he getting the message?

50:11 Adam Is it the right number? Gary Delabatti, Howard Stern's producer does that thing where his wife says, hi, we're not home. And you hang up. Now, if you haven't called him before, it's sort of, you hang up and then you call back and you hear it again as if hearing the woman again is gonna get you any closer to the truth. But then it's weird because you're thinking, they didn't say me and Gary aren't home. It's just, we're not home. It's a female voice. It's not the person's voice you called for. And you have no idea. And I understand why people do it. They want a certain, here's the part that's tough. Here's what I'm saying. Yes. Here's what I want to say. You can't be sort of secretive and try to get yourself out there at the same time. Like, you know, when you call people and you go, I'm not sure, do I have the right number? Is this, is this, is this, what number is this? They go, what number did you call? I could hang up and call you back right now for the once, once a minute for the rest of your life before you killed yourself. Don't f with me. It's sort of like, I'm going to get an answering machine. I'm going to leave. I'm going to say we're not home, but I'm not going to say our name because that's going to push it too far. Just listen, everyone, put your goddamn name on the thing so we know who you are.

51:16 Caller The worst is when somebody leaves a message on your, that you don't know, you know, like a telemarketer. Yes. You know, I got one of those once I came back and the guy, this guy says, hey, Mike Reese, I got some good news for you. Oh, why don't you call? So I said, I'm going to call this guy. I'm going to really lay into him, you know, never to leave a message. So I call him up and, you know, some woman answered. I said, I'm calling for Mike Reese. I could take a call, you know, and I said, no. Mike Reese called me. He said to call him back. He left me his phone number. Okay. Well, Mike is away from his desk right now. Well, okay. When can I call him back? When's a good time? Well, he's not coming back to his desk. What do you mean he's not coming? Is there, where can I reach him? Well, you can't reach him. I said, no, no, I got to reach him. He said, he's got some good news for me. I got it. I could use some good news right about now. And then finally I got fed up and said, don't ever call my machine again or fax me stuff. Wow.

52:06 Drew I like that.

52:06 Caller Yeah. I really, I laid into him good, huh?

52:09 Drew You got it.

52:09 Caller Yeah. Here's how I lay into somebody. Cause I'm so, I hate confrontation. I'll start off like, hey, when you got a chance, can I talk to you? I got a little bone to pick with you. And then I settled down a little bit.

52:24 Adam You ready to go back phones? Dan?

52:27 Yeah. And I was wondering if at the end of the question, if I could battle Anderson in sound effects, I extract sound effects from movies and I could probably beat him.

52:37 Adam All right. I don't know how you declare a winner in sound effects, but-

52:41 Drew What's the question? You hate God.

52:45 Adam Oh, yes. Yes, that's right. Dan is 18. He's bi.

52:50 And my girlfriend's black. She's not from this country. I'm going to meet her parents on Saturday this weekend.

52:58 Caller There are some blacks from this country though, aren't there?

53:03 Yeah, but she's foreign and her parents are Muslim. And if it ever came up to believing in God, what should I just say? I believe in God just for the fact or just?

53:12 Drew Well, in a way, you're almost more accessible being atheistic than being part of the evil empire.

53:22 Adam Right? Yeah, that's true.

53:23 Drew At least at the possibility of just bringing you on board as opposed to talking you out of something.

53:27 But they would rather have me be Christian than be atheist. They would rather see.

53:31 Drew Yeah, I don't know that. You don't know that's true.

53:34 Adam Hey, listen, Dan, here's the whole thing. You're effed up and you're angry.

53:39 Caller Kind of, yeah. Well, my dad was mainly part of it.

53:42 Drew I remember you talking about his dad last time he called.

53:44 Adam Yeah.

53:44 Drew Yeah, and he was busy. He wanted to tell his dad about his bisexuality.

53:48 Caller No, I wanted to tell my mom. I didn't know if I should tell my mom or not. And I wanted to know if I was bisexual because of the pornography he had.

53:55 Adam Right, well, here's the thing. Here's the thing, and let's not blame porn. Such an easy scapegoat, my beloved porn. You know what I mean?

54:04 Drew We can blame it.

54:05 Adam Many things fall in the porn's lap that, I don't have to tell you what can fall in the porn's lap that it doesn't deserve. Let's not give it a bad rap. Hey, give porn a break. Or incredible edible porn. I gotta work that out. The point is, is you're angry, so you're gonna get yourself in the situations that...

54:24 Drew Allow them to act that out.

54:25 Adam Yeah, you get confrontation. Yeah. You wanna fly under... This is by the way, and we'll get back to Dan in a second, but these are the A-holes who get in the bar fight every other week and every time it's the same thing. Yeah, I want in there, mind my own business, I'm looking down, I'm not bothering anybody, and some A-hole calls me a sea sucker, and next thing you know, we gotta throw down. But why it's the same guy, and how come everyone else naturally goes 26 years in between physical confrontations and you don't go eight hours? Right. What are you looking for? But it's never them. I am not looking for trouble. Yeah, you find it. So you find whatever you're looking for. Dan, if I went over to their house, they wouldn't know I was an atheist. If Dan goes over to the house, they're gonna know about it.

55:07 Drew Well, here's one of the things he can do by creating chaos in this relationship is continue on the bye-bye route.

55:14 Adam Yes.

55:14 Drew And bye-bye to the girlfriend.

55:16 Caller Right. Yeah, well, my girlfriend knows that I'm bi, and she has no problem with that. But I can have it.

55:21 Drew Yeah, but I'm just saying that you can sort of create your own future by sabotaging this relationship. And look back and go, oh, chicks, that never works out. I can never have that. Now, I'm gonna stick with guys.

55:31 Caller Well, I've had a steady relationship right now, and I've never done drugs. I've never gotten to fight. My father was kind of violent, but I've managed to stay away from the drugs and the fighting from the get-go, because my mom pretty much told me that it won't happen in the household, as in I want to live there.

55:49 Adam Damn.

55:50 Caller Yeah.

55:50 Adam Let's get to the sound effect.

55:51 Caller Yeah, okay, I got it all lined up and you're ready to go? You know what, though?

55:55 Caller I'm not feeling anything like this.

55:57 Caller I don't even know where I am right now, guys.

55:59 Caller Anderson is sick.

56:00 Caller Oh, ready?

56:01 Caller I know, I know, relax, dude, damn.

56:04 Adam Hold on, Dan. Anderson has full-blown AIDS.

56:07 Best Of I have full-blown HIV. That's what I heard.

56:11 Adam I know we're not supposed to talk about it, but what do you have there for me?

56:15 Best Of I've been at camp all weekend and it's been a tough, tough weekend.

56:18 Caller I don't hate very much.

56:19 Drew You've been sick or you've been tired?

56:21 I'm like three hours of sleep the last five nights.

56:23 Caller What kind of camp?

56:26 Drew Cancer.

56:27 Caller It's camp Good Times, camp Ronald McDonald for good times, kids for kids with cancer.

56:31 Adam Takes kids in, takes care of them.

56:33 Caller It's good times, it's good times, Adam.

56:35 Caller My name is Ace there, it's very strange and I think about you and that makes me sick.

56:39 Adam Makes him lanyards. Listen, listen, you know this Dan, he's nothing. Dan.

56:44 Caller All right, work me up, man.

56:47 Caller He's doing it on his own, he's such a geek.

56:50 Adam Dan, what do you got for us?

56:51 Caller Oh, I got an Elf and I got a Bugs Bunny. I got Godfather.

56:55 Adam All right, I'll tell you what, Dan.

56:57 Drew Yeah, do what you're best.

56:58 Adam Dan, I'll tell you what we'll do. Anyone who listens to this show with any regularity knows that engineer Anderson is a wizard at sliding in.

57:06 Caller Well, I got them all lined up.

57:08 Adam Quiet down, Jack, off a very apropos sound effect just when the time is right.

57:14 Caller I can't wait to your father.

57:18 Adam I know. I hope I have a kid. I hope I have a boy so I can call him Jack off because girls got me. You shut up little Jackalina.

57:25 Caller Oh Christ, that didn't work. All right.

57:27 Adam So Dan. We're going to take another call. Anderson, you just hang back. We're going to take another call and Dan can slide in his apropos sound effects. Yes? All right. Anderson, who do you want to talk to? Let me push it up though. Go ahead. Go ahead. Michelle's on the line for ovarian cancer.

57:49 Drew Michelle.

57:49 Caller Hi. I just want to say, I saw you guys at Stanford, I think it was last week and I really liked that. You guys did a great job. I'm a long time listener and the question is actually about ovarian cancer. My aunt has had ovarian cancer, I think for a year and a half.

58:11 Adam Dan, anything? I'll be back.

58:23 Drew Michelle, hold on a second.

58:30 Adam I know it's very tragic.

58:32 Caller See, now that sounds like that was me doing it, that wasn't me.

58:36 Adam You didn't do the shut up.

58:37 Caller I did the shut up. I don't need to hear Dan yet. Who is the shut up guy?

58:44 Adam Hey, Dan. We're gonna need you to chime in with your sound effects. Now Anderson, as tempting as it may be, you gotta hang back so that we know everything is coming from Dan.

58:57 Drew Let's let Dan do the next one.

58:58 Caller Why don't we not do the ovarian cancer?

59:00 Caller Why don't we do like mad on six?

59:02 Drew How about you let me answer, Michelle, and then we'll do mad, okay?

59:05 Adam Well, okay, if you kill Joyce, we don't think cancer's funny.

59:08 Drew What is your question about it, Michelle?

59:10 Caller Well, my aunt has had ovarian cancer for about a year and a half, and it's gotten pretty bad, and-

59:16 Drew Right, well, what's your question?

59:17 Caller I was just wondering, nobody in my family has had that before. I was wondering, is it possible for that just to be a random thing, or is it-

59:28 Drew Yes, it is certainly, of course, all cancers can be random.

59:31 Caller It's not like I have a higher chance of getting it now.

59:35 Drew Well, certain ovarian, there are certain groups that may have a slightly higher risk of ovarian breast and possibly even colon cancer. There's a couple of genes, the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes, that are rather prevalent in Ashkenazi Jews that may increase your risk of colon, breast, or ovarian cancer. It's the other, not a Sephardic Jew.

59:57 Adam Oh, really?

59:57 Caller You ever been out with a girl who's got BRAC2?

1:00:02 Adam I enjoyed some of the programming when I was in the pond last summer.

1:00:05 Drew Are you a Jew? Descent, Michelle?

1:00:07 Caller No, I'm not Jewish, but my family is Polish.

1:00:11 Drew You can get tested for this gene if you want to. Genetic testing is available, and just to see what your risks are, but ovarian cancer is a relatively common cancer. It is random in most cases, but a limited percent, 10% or so, may be this genetically linked phenomenon. And it's, by the way, a very highly treatable cancer.

1:00:32 Caller I have another quick question about something. Have you heard of anything called para-neoplastic syndrome?

1:00:39 Drew Yep, I see it all the time.

1:00:41 Caller That's what they're telling us that she has.

1:00:43 Drew Is she got arthritis or something, or rashes or something?

1:00:46 Caller I think they thought maybe it was connected to the cancer, but it's like she's got weakness in her limbs and her nervous system.

1:00:53 Drew Right, so her nervous system, what they get is an attack, the immune system attacks other parts of the system. Perineoplastic just means alongside of the cancer. And so the cancer is overloading her system, and her immune system starts going crazy and attacking her nerves, attacking her joints, attacking her skin. And in this case, it sounds like it's attacking the muscles and nerves.

1:01:11 Adam Life is great, isn't it? Hey, that's why you gotta have kids. Michelle? Mm-hmm? It's good of you to look after your aunt this way, by the way, and be this concerned.

1:01:24 Drew Here's the other variant of cancer, keep at it. Yeah. You can many times get a cure. Just keep slugging.

1:01:29 Adam All right. Let's get Dan back involved with who's our next call gonna be.

1:01:35 Drew Five and six.

1:01:36 Adam Five and six? All right. And again, Dan, you gotta make with the sound effects, please. All right. But, Matt, again, you gotta slide them in where it's apropos. Appropriate. Yeah, appropriate.

1:01:54 Drew All right. Matt.

1:01:56 Adam What's wrong, Matt?

1:01:57 Caller Oh, hey, Adam. Hey. I want to tell you firstly that Adam, you're God. Thank you. That's good. Drew's a passionate, passionate man. Yes, he is. And just to Mr. Subliminal over there, I appreciate everything you've done. Actually, my ex-girlfriend called last night. I'm the Jew that blows the shofar when he's getting oral. You guys remember that?

1:02:18 Drew Yes, I remember.

1:02:19 Adam Yeah, I was explaining that you should be blowing the shofar when you get home.

1:02:22 Drew We got to play for Kevin, excuse me a second, Matt, the subliminal message lady we did with Tom Arnold here, the Holocaust lady. We were calling upon your skills, Kevin.

1:02:37 Adam Yeah.

1:02:38 Drew It was very funny.

1:02:39 Caller We just got Canada back. Oh, yeah.

1:02:44 Adam Canada canceled us because we played that.

1:02:47 Drew I will describe it.

1:02:49 Adam F Canada will play that. Yeah. We lose state every once in a while. We lost Hawaii recently. We lose a country every once in a while, too.

1:02:58 Caller Here's the deal. I don't want to play it, but if Dan's got it, feel free, Dan.

1:03:04 Drew Do you have it?

1:03:05 Caller Yeah, it's all ready. It's all lined up, but it's going to go in a row, so it's going to be about 50 seconds.

1:03:09 Adam No, no, no.

1:03:10 Drew Hold on a second.

1:03:11 Adam Dan, Dan. Hold on a second. Anderson. Anderson. Or I can play normal. Shut up.

1:03:19 Caller What?

1:03:19 Adam Anderson, you need to play the Holocaust thing. You don't need to play the second. Just we'll deal with Matt over here for a second, and then we'll play it.

1:03:30 Caller Matt.

1:03:31 Caller Yes. OK, the reason I'm calling is because my ejaculate tends to be on the clearer side and not the whiter side, like I've seen in my porn, where people would call me and stuff, and I wanted to have to do a sperm count.

1:03:43 Drew No.

1:03:44 Adam The porn, it's all liquid paper and porn. Anyway, I found out.

1:03:48 Caller But I've had, like, ex-girlfriend told me, like, other people's are whiter.

1:03:52 Drew Yes, some people are clearer, some people are chunky, some people are thick, some people are thin, some people are clear. It has nothing to do that I'm aware of with sperm count. I'll tell you what it does sometime, maybe in this way it could correlate, that the clearer or thinner tends to be more associated with frequent clearing of the pipes. And to the extent that you may not give yourself a chance to build a good sperm count if you're jacking off four times a day, that may be associated with sperm count.

1:04:17 Caller What about liquid paper? Can that be clearer or chunkier?

1:04:20 Drew I think they have orange and white.

1:04:23 Caller Yeah, like peach.

1:04:23 Adam Interesting. I can't believe, by the way, I whipped out some liquid paper and actually used it the other day and I thought, oh, really, I'm still using this stuff. Like, what year is this?

1:04:34 Caller Were you with a girl?

1:04:35 Adam Yeah, I couldn't quite finish my initials. That's my thing. That's my bag. You call me the decorator.

1:04:44 Drew Your carrying card, your calling card.

1:04:46 Adam That's my calling card. I was thinking of my calling card actually being my calling card. Like, as a murder, my calling card would be to leave a calling card. It'd be confusing to the police because, like, what's this calling card? It's his calling card. It'd be like a who's on first kind of thing. I know. What is it? It's his calling card. I know. What does he do? Slash his initials? No, no, it's a calling card. It's a calling card, actually. All right. Now I don't feel like hearing that stupid Holocaust call, but do you want to hear that?

1:05:18 Drew No.

1:05:19 Adam All right. Here's what happened. See, because it's bad to bring stuff up and then...

1:05:23 Drew I just want to tell it because it's a funny story.

1:05:26 Adam I'll do it as quickly as I can. And this is the legendary subliminal man that Kevin Nealon developed. I don't know if you developed that on Saturday Night Live, before Saturday Night Live, or you had that before in your bag of goods.

1:05:39 Caller That was... I picked that up from a guy named Ed Peck, who was a character actor in Hollywood when he first came out here. He used to do shows like The Vernon Shirley and those kind of things. He had a really deep voice who talked like that. He did a thing called tagging, where he'd be talking to a waitress, and he'd fit in these little profanities here and there. And she wouldn't know it, but he would tell me he was going to do it like, you know, well, I'll tell you what, sweetheart, I think I'll have the french fries, bitch, and I'll also give me the hammocker whore, and I don't think I'll take any ketchup with that.

1:06:14 Adam So that was the impetus for Subliminal Man. Well, we had a, we had a, she was a phone sex operator called the show, and her thing was the guys were getting off too fast. So she wasn't making any money. So I, and I said, quite honestly, the problem with you phone sex operators is, you do a little too good a job. Meaning, you know, the people call in and they go, what do you look like? Meanwhile, it's a fat broad who's, you know, got her baby on her knee and she's ironing her old man's long johns. But she's like, you know, I'm, you know, I'm 6'2, I'm blonde.

1:06:51 Caller Or it's an old man in his long johns.

1:06:53 Adam And he's saying I'm 6'2, and I'm blonde, and I'm a 30, 34 double D, and I'm, you know, and a whole thing, and I'm, and the guy's like, you know, it's like, if- Here's what these women should be saying. They should be saying, look, look, I ain't no prize. I'm not a Victoria's Secret model. Otherwise, I wouldn't be doing phone sex for them. But I'm a good, solid 7, and because of low self-esteem, I got into this business, and I'll tell you, I can beat a guy off street style. I can suck a golf ball through a beaker, I mean, through a piece of Bunsen burner hose. I mean, I'm amazing. You know, that would get me off. That I could buy. It's the super fantasy stuff. But anyway, guys getting off too fast. So I said, look, once you subliminally work in some negative stuff to stop them in their masturbation, so you go like, oh, baby, you are so hot cancer. And so at a certain point I said, you know, so it was like, I am so wet Holocaust. And so she didn't know what subliminal was.

1:08:10 Drew So we had to explain that.

1:08:11 Adam And she didn't know what the Holocaust was.

1:08:13 Drew Actually what happened was Adam was working the Holocaust. She's like, yeah, but we're like Holocaust. She's like, no.

1:08:20 Adam So I said, look, let's do it. I said, look, just work in the Holocaust.

1:08:25 Drew You explained what the Holocaust was. Subliminally. A horrible, tragic, awful experience. We want you to work into this conversation.

1:08:32 Adam Work it in and do it subliminally.

1:08:34 Drew By the way, the subliminal message the Canadians missed.

1:08:36 Adam Right. Canadians got pissed when we did this. But anyway, the point is...

1:08:39 Caller Why did the Canadians get pissed?

1:08:40 Drew Because they were making the light of the Holocaust.

1:08:44 Adam And probably they secretly feel bad for not making as big a contribution toward World War II. Maybe they could have.

1:08:52 Drew We were pointing out these... We were trying to think of the most horrible thing we could think of when the Holocaust came to mind.

1:08:57 Adam They got a puck on their shoulders.

1:08:58 Caller All right, let's just play it for God's sakes.

1:09:01 Caller It's too late.

1:09:01 Caller We've been talking about it for five minutes.

1:09:03 Caller And it feels like censorship at this point.

1:09:05 Adam I've already explained it, though.

1:09:07 Caller That wasn't funny, though.

1:09:09 Caller You know, it's like when...

1:09:10 Adam Hey, Anderson.

1:09:11 Caller Yeah.

1:09:13 Adam Shut up. All right, Kevin Nealon is here tonight. He's going to be the big fan, by the way, Engineer Anderson. Let's work. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:09:34 Caller Mark your calendar. The Olympics in Athens are coming August 13th. For the Networks of NBC.

1:09:47 Adam That's Dr. Drew. In keeping with our Saturday Night Live theme, enjoy a little J. Moore and Julian Nichols. They were in a film together. She wasn't in Saturday Night Live. Oh, Julian Nicholson. Oh, that's different. Anyway.

1:10:07 Drew The film was very good.

1:10:08 Adam It was.

1:10:09 Drew Well received.

1:10:10 Adam Enjoy. It's Loveline. Phone number 1-800-LME-191. Julian Nicholson is here tonight. Moore. Seeing other people is the name of the movie. Moore is like some 50s character. He sees everyone in the hall. Hey, kid, looking good. What's your name again? That's right, baby. Yeah. Here's a quarter.

1:10:30 Caller Looking good.

1:10:30 Adam Keep up the good work. Chris. Hey, buddy. Nice job on the board.

1:10:33 Caller Looking good. Looking sharp.

1:10:35 Adam All right.

1:10:35 Caller That's how it goes, man.

1:10:36 Adam Could you get these shoes polished for me?

1:10:38 Caller Hey, now go get your shine box, Chris.

1:10:41 Adam You want a nip? You want a nip? Yeah, you're good. Okay.

1:10:44 Caller Hey, Lauren. Cute kid. You're adorable. Keep it up. But that's what. I'm nice to people.

1:10:49 Adam No, it's good.

1:10:49 Caller Everyone thinks I'm a jerk.

1:10:50 Adam No, no. It just comes across as...

1:10:52 Drew You have panic disorder, though.

1:10:53 Adam It's sincere. Yeah, now how does the panic...

1:10:55 Caller It does not come across. Ask Lauren right now and ask Chris if they think I'll be... I pat him on the back and he's just walking by for no reason.

1:11:00 Adam You gave him a cracker, you pat him on the head, like Benny Hill would do the little...

1:11:03 Caller What, are you Mexican? Yeah, you gotta be nice to them. They'll rise up. You gotta be nice to the Mexicans.

1:11:09 Caller They'll rise up.

1:11:11 Caller Yo, dude, that's messed up.

1:11:12 Adam Scratch themselves and be back for another nap. Don't worry. Now, tell me... Yeah, they'll rise up.

1:11:18 Caller All right, now look.

1:11:19 Adam Hold on. I want to talk about your panic disorder because Drew... Yeah, I want to let people know that if the... If the Dr. Drews of the world and the J.Morris of the world can have panic disorder...

1:11:30 Caller Then they should buy my book.

1:11:31 Adam Then they should buy Drew's book.

1:11:32 Caller And I'll come back before the book comes out, and we can do a whole thing about it. As opposed to taking away from the Julian Nicholson times.

1:11:39 Adam Give us a panic disorder story. Saturday Night Live.

1:11:43 Drew You're on SNL.

1:11:44 Caller It's irrational. I was not in any sketches for like the fifth week in a row, and I sat in my dressing room, and Roseanne was the host, and I sat and I positioned my chair in my dressing room so that it was directly under the TV that hangs from the ceiling so that if it fell, I would be killed.

1:11:59 Drew Why was he panicking?

1:12:02 Caller No, I was just most depressed ever. And then as I just, after sketch, after sketch, and like the sketches suck, you know, sometimes.

1:12:09 Adam Right.

1:12:10 Caller And then I just sat there and I thought, I can't catch my breath. And then all of a sudden I thought, oh my God, I can't catch my breath, and I have to crap and throw up, and everything on the inside of me has to be on the inside of me, and then I'm leaving. Like I'm dying. And I ran all the way to the hospital on Second Avenue.

1:12:26 Adam The thing I find interesting about it is you didn't have a sketch that night.

1:12:31 Drew He was depressed.

1:12:32 Adam I understand, but my instinct would be he's doing a sketch at the end of the night, and the panic attack kicks in.

1:12:39 Caller No, but see that's, I'm in show business, I'm a comic, so that's when everything's working out. That's stimulus response. The stimulus is you hand in a sketch, you write it.

1:12:47 Drew But he doesn't have the stuff to focus on that gets the panic.

1:12:50 Caller For me it was all lack of structure.

1:12:51 Adam It feels like depression. It seems a weird place for a panic to come in.

1:12:55 Drew Well, depression, mine was all depression. Oh, depression is a good cause for panic. And generalized anxiety, both.

1:13:02 Caller But panic isn't as bad as... Panic's the worst thing in the world because it's so irrational, like nothing causes it.

1:13:08 Adam So your heart just starts...

1:13:10 Caller You are absolutely dying.

1:13:12 Drew You can't describe it.

1:13:12 Caller Someone's pushing it. If you push in on your Adam's apple, it's like that feeling all the time and you have to crap.

1:13:20 Drew Every person somatically feels it differently, but in the brain, it's a discharge that's completely dysregulated. Imagine you just jumped off the Titanic, middle of the ocean, you're starting to get sucked down.

1:13:32 Caller That's the feeling.

1:13:34 Drew But you're just sitting there. At least you can be physically active.

1:13:38 Caller You just add a movie watching the screen and all of a sudden, pow, the car's on fire and your seatbelt won't come loose.

1:13:44 Adam I've never had one, but I picture it kind of like Fred Samford when he would say he's coming with us.

1:13:49 Drew But some people it's that way. For me, it felt like I was either having a seizure or going crazy, because your mind races out of control. You feel like it's completely...

1:13:56 Adam So what is the best move? Let's say you can't get to a hospital. Did you actually went to a hospital?

1:14:02 Caller I always thought I was going to pass out too, which is weird, because you don't pass out when your heart races, you pass when it drops.

1:14:07 Drew People get the feeling they're going to pass out. You can hyperventilate until you pass out.

1:14:10 Caller I ran home and my roommate had Valium and I had never taken Valium before. I called my dad and mom, because my mom is a nurse and my dad doesn't know it all. I said, if I take this Valium, what will happen? My dad is like, let me look it up in the PED. What is it called? The PDR. Oh, it says here, it cures anxiety.

1:14:27 Caller It says PFD, go ahead.

1:14:30 Caller I just sat in the bathtub for a little while in water that unfortunately was not deep enough to drown me.

1:14:36 Adam I can't believe you called your dad to do some drugs though.

1:14:41 Caller No, because I'm a bit of a pillow-phobe so I didn't want to take something in case I was allergic to it. I took it and then feeling normal became absolutely euphoric. One of the chapters of the book is that nothing is as beautiful as having things the way they were. Just being normal and having normal fear and pissed-off-ness, and then I went back to the show and I was just absolutely euphoric. And I was just telling everyone I had a panic attack.

1:15:08 Adam You went back the next day or that night?

1:15:09 Caller No, that night. It was in the middle of a show. And then Sarah Silverman said, Oh, that's a panic attack. You have to go see my doctor, Noel Taylor. She saved my life. Go ahead. And then I left a message and the doctor called me back and said she could see me first thing Monday, so then I only had to get through Sunday. And then she said you just have a real basic panic disorder. How many panic attacks have you had? I said I had about three.

1:15:32 Drew You were depressed, did you treat the depression?

1:15:33 Caller No, I never had depression, really.

1:15:36 Drew You sat on the TV waiting for it to fall on your head.

1:15:38 Caller It's this place. But that's appropriate depression. I'm not working at the place. It's situational depression. That's not like I wake up depressed. I'm happy all the time. Julia Nicholson, best actress of... By pulling. I'm so not.

1:15:53 Adam Let me ask this. Do people who have more brain cells to rub together, do they have panic attack more so than others?

1:16:04 Drew We've talked about... Well, that's convenience, Jay. We talked about the auto-tonic tone you and I have talked about. Engines running high, engines running low.

1:16:12 Adam Right. Yeah. He's got a Cox 049 engine buzzing in his brain.

1:16:16 Caller It's just... Yeah, you too.

1:16:18 Adam It's not good for anything. I got the engine from the African Queen. Just kind of chugging and smoke bellowing out, barely moving.

1:16:30 Caller Julia Nicholson.

1:16:33 Caller I have not had a panic attack.

1:16:34 Drew You're one of those people.

1:16:37 Caller You've had anxiety attacks, though.

1:16:39 Caller Yeah, big anxiety. But never that pressure, my heart's gonna stop thing.

1:16:44 Caller I'm sorry, sweetheart.

1:16:45 Caller No, I'm done for another ten minutes.

1:16:47 Adam What's the anxiety attack?

1:16:49 Caller Anxiety, the synonym is fear. No, anxiety, the synonym in Webster's is care. And in panic, the synonym is fear. So they're like complete opposites by definition. Anxiety is stimulus response. Your boss is yelling at you. And then eventually, if he keeps yelling at you, then one day you're driving to work, and you get an anxiety attack, because that's the building where you get yelled at. Like right now?

1:17:11 You guys are all talking and I'm not.

1:17:14 Caller Is it really?

1:17:15 No.

1:17:17 Caller You could be like the Rolando Blackman on the Mavericks, and just sit back in the cut, you get a pass, drain your three every once in a while, and you jog back up the court, don't worry about it.

1:17:26 You know, if I knew who he was, I would try to be like him.

1:17:29 Adam Kyle?

1:17:29 Caller Colored guy.

1:17:32 Adam You're 19? You're 19. He's not prone to panic attacks.

1:17:40 Caller Julian Nickerson.

1:17:42 Adam Kyle.

1:17:43 Drew African Queen.

1:17:43 Adam What's your question?

1:17:46 Caller Funky father.

1:17:47 Adam Alright, I'm done with Kyle. I said many years ago we should stop talking to guys on this show.

1:17:52 Drew Oh, you have said that.

1:17:54 Adam Tiffany? Tiffany? They got a double clutch on that. First one must have just been for air.

1:18:06 Drew Tiffany's 21. What's going on?

1:18:08 Caller Oh, I have a problem. I'm going out on a limb calling y'all.

1:18:11 Drew Alright, go ahead.

1:18:14 Caller Around a year and a half ago, they said I had cervical cancer.

1:18:17 Drew They said it. Did they treat it?

1:18:19 Caller Yeah, they froze my cervix and they removed all the cancer cells and they said that everything was fine, that it shouldn't recur.

1:18:27 Drew Let me just stop you for a second. Did you have a colonization also or just for the cryotherapy?

1:18:33 Caller I don't remember.

1:18:34 Drew There was a study just came out this week that showed that we've kind of talked about it a little bit, but most of the cervical cancers, the ones at least that are really meaningful, occur just at the mouth of the cervix. The cervix is like a doughnut with a hole in the middle of it. And the most of it occurs right in the hole in the middle. And the colonization is where they cut that out, they cut the middle out. And this study just came out that showed that women that had that procedure have a much, much higher incidence of miscarriage.

1:19:02 Caller Whatever, Drew, let me keep going. That's very Buddhist to cut out the hole.

1:19:05 Adam Yeah, I was just thinking about adding my creamy filling.

1:19:13 Caller No, but my problem is, is I've been engaged for a year and a half, and I love my fiance, and I want to pleasure him, and I want to be with him, and all the emotional attachments that come with it. But my problem is, is ever since I've had that surgery, it hurts, and I don't want to talk to him about it. I've gone to doctors and they said there's no scar tissue, there's nothing, and I'm just don't know what to do anymore.

1:19:37 Drew Hold on a second. Hold on now. So you've had recent pap smears, right? Yes. And recently there's no recurrence, there's no wart virus, there's nothing like that?

1:19:45 Caller There's nothing.

1:19:46 Drew And have you had an ultrasound to see if there's some other problem that might be causing the pain, like endometriosis?

1:19:50 Caller I've been in the hospital for a month and a half. I've tried everything.

1:19:53 Drew You were in the hospital for a month and a half?

1:19:56 Caller Yeah, because they were running tests. I was in and out for a month and a half.

1:19:59 Adam She even called Jay's dad at one point when she broke down.

1:20:04 Drew You weren't in the hospital for a month and a half.

1:20:06 Adam She said her wits in, Jay.

1:20:07 Drew You were in the hospital for a month and a half?

1:20:16 Adam Hold on.

1:20:17 Drew Tiffany, wait, wait, wait.

1:20:17 Caller We're going through a tunnel. Wait, wait.

1:20:19 Adam The phone's gone all funky. Now you think something's up with Tiffany.

1:20:21 Drew Now we've got to get to the next stuff. Yeah, yeah.

1:20:24 Adam We can't just label her nuts and move forward? No.

1:20:27 Drew You can, but we're not going.

1:20:29 Adam Tiffany? Okay.

1:20:32 Drew Just give me a yes or no. Were you sexually abused growing up?

1:20:36 Adam No.

1:20:37 Drew There was a no?

1:20:37 Caller There was a faint no.

1:20:38 Adam There was a faint no.

1:20:39 Caller No, but the whole thing's, what's going on with this show?

1:20:41 Caller It's the phone.

1:20:43 Caller It's the world's famous K-Rock. It's not our phone, it's hers. Stryker, you can put a chimp behind the board and do what he does.

1:20:49 Adam Stryker's a pro. There's no doubt about it.

1:20:51 Caller And that's his real name.

1:20:53 Drew She's had extensive evaluation. She's got somatic preoccupations, much like J. Moore, and they can't explain it. It's something called dyspareunia, which is pain with intercourse. It could be a hundred different things. All she can really do is keep going back and try to look for an explanation. I will tell you, though, that when, nine times out of ten, plus when women have unexplained pelvic pain, it ends up being a sexual abuse history.

1:21:15 Caller In the meantime, keep going down on him like you're drowning and his nuts have oxygen.

1:21:20 Drew Right. Yeah. Thank you, J.

1:21:23 Caller Well, look, she said she wants to pleasure him.

1:21:25 Drew Coming out of the movie this week?

1:21:26 Caller No, she said, I really want to pleasure him, but it hurts.

1:21:30 Adam No, and it's true. Like women are always like, I don't know what to do.

1:21:33 Caller Just put the tip in.

1:21:34 Adam Yeah. Get in. Get going.

1:21:36 Caller Doesn't he know how to be gentle? He's got to be like a savage and like, you know, do the whole thing every time. Get through the whole donut.

1:21:41 Drew But it takes all kinds.

1:21:42 Adam It does.

1:21:43 Caller Okay.

1:21:44 Adam Let's take a break. Moore is here. Julianne. Is it Julianne? Oh, go, I almost said Julianne. That's why. No, thank you. That's right. Julianne Nicholson is here tonight. We will take ourselves a quick break. When we come back. No. Really? No.

1:22:01 Caller Will it make him more interesting?

1:22:02 Drew Yes.

1:22:02 Adam It could. Yeah.

1:22:03 Caller Yes.

1:22:04 Drew We'll come back. We'll have a great call.

1:22:06 Adam A great call after this.

1:22:09 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:22:14 Adam Guess how many terrific scents axi-deodorant body spray comes in? No, more.

1:22:22 Drew Nine.

1:22:25 Adam Anyway, sevens are not friends.

1:22:27 Drew Yeah.

1:22:31 Caller San Francisco.

1:22:33 Adam And it would not be the best without a little something. Oh yeah, you know him from little Deuce Bigalow, male Jiggle-O.

1:22:42 Drew The animal.

1:22:43 Adam The animal and many, many other.

1:22:44 Drew Another dear, dear friend of the show.

1:22:46 Adam Yeah, Rob Schneider. Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Rob Schneider's in studio tonight. He brought us both grenade-size avocados from his own tree.

1:23:03 Caller Yes, so we have many fruits, my wife and I.

1:23:06 Adam Those of you who are listening to the show, well, we got a caller from Wisconsin over here. Eating her heart out.

1:23:13 Caller It must be late out there.

1:23:15 Adam Yeah, let's put her on. 2 o'clock in the morning over there? Rob is either picked himself or more likely had his assistant pick a large avocado.

1:23:24 Caller I got a big tree and I got the pole.

1:23:26 Drew This is a pineapple sized or papaya sized avocado.

1:23:29 Adam Let's put it this way. If I threw this at your head, you would die. And if I put it in trebuchet...

1:23:36 Caller I could do some damage.

1:23:37 Adam Melissa?

1:23:38 Drew The Trebuchet Show.

1:23:39 Adam You're calling from Wisconsin?

1:23:42 Yeah.

1:23:43 Adam And how cold is it there tonight?

1:23:45 Very cold. It's probably like 13 degrees out right now.

1:23:49 Drew That's crazy.

1:23:51 Caller It's actually warmed up for them. It was unbelievable last week.

1:23:54 It was below all last week.

1:23:57 Adam And have you ever seen an avocado?

1:24:00 Yes.

1:24:01 Adam Have you cooked with avocados?

1:24:04 Yes. Well, not really cook. I make dip and stuff.

1:24:07 Adam By the way, you want to hear what a horrible cook my wife is? I walked in the kitchen one day, saw her peeling an avocado like it was an orange. And she's like, What? And I was like, Are you serious? Did you know I was going to walk in? Like I said, you know, when I was masturbating and I said that I knew you were coming in and it was a joke. Is it that kind of thing? She's like, No, no, this is how you do it. I said, I'm going to kill your mom. This is horrible. Oh, by the way, speaking of traumatizing the wife, let me just say one thing. We get to bless in one second. Just remind me of something, Drew. You know, there's there's like we got every invention we need. There's thirty two different kinds of bottle openers, right? Cork, cork pullers, wine, a bottle. I don't need thirty two. I need like two good ones or even just one. When is the toilet timer flusher thing going to come in? My wife has now discovered the third big duke floating in the toilet with her. And here's what happens. I'm on the phone.

1:25:11 Drew He doesn't want to flush.

1:25:13 Adam This is what happens.

1:25:13 Caller You're doing business on the phone, Mr. President. You don't want people to know where you are.

1:25:18 Adam You don't want them to know who you are.

1:25:19 Caller So you stand up and you walk away. And then she comes in.

1:25:22 Drew And yeah, well, you know, I have a feeling this wasn't floating. It was left. It was a big dump.

1:25:26 Caller Was it standing straight up? She gave me.

1:25:28 Adam She gave me. It was pointing toward Macca. She gave me this one. She goes, I was in the living room and I was listening to a headphones and I was skipping rope and she came out in the hall and she just looked at me. She was like someone who was landing a carrier on a deck. She did the two fingers. Yes. What? She goes, come here. And I'm like, I'm skipping rope. I'm like, what? And she starts guiding me in. She walks me all the way down the hall through the thing. Walks me on the back. What is this? Then just right down to the toilet. I'm like, all right. Melissa, it's a comfortable, confident man.

1:26:05 Yeah.

1:26:06 Adam So anyway, you like avocados.

1:26:09 Yeah.

1:26:10 Adam It's 13 degrees in Wisconsin. And your question is?

1:26:13 I have a question. My boyfriend, we've been going together for about three years now. Lately, it's like he's trying to push me away and I just don't understand why. And then it's like, he'll like take fights with me.

1:26:28 Drew Melissa, here's the thing about relationships at your age.

1:26:33 Caller Yeah, but like when he leaves me, like I leave him, I get sick of it or whatever, or he'll say, I don't want to be with you and I just want to be friends. I'm like, okay, that's fine. And I'll get over it for like, I'll leave him alone for like a week. And then he'll call me and be like, I love you, I miss you and this and that. And then it just cycles back and forth. And it's just like, I'm getting really sick of it. And like, I've told him like so many times.

1:26:57 Caller What is it that you want to do?

1:26:59 Caller I love him, but I want to leave him. But it's just like, when I do and when I get comfortable, like being by myself, you know, after the first week, it's just like, okay, you know, I can do something.

1:27:11 Drew Okay, a couple of things here. First of all, I think that I love him, but I want to get away from, I don't think that exists after 35. It's like, oh, I'm done, I want to get away. You don't fool yourself anymore.

1:27:22 Adam Now, you pray one of your friend's bones are so she leaves you alone.

1:27:25 Caller By the way, just take it easy on yourself because it's extremely common. Everyone, this is like, you know, the guy, he wants something else. The grass is greener. And a week later, he realizes, you know, I got this, though.

1:27:35 Drew Does he have sex when he comes back with you?

1:27:37 Caller Um, yes.

1:27:39 Drew Okay, well, stop that. Stop that and he'll stop coming back.

1:27:42 Caller Yeah.

1:27:42 Drew That's what he's coming back for.

1:27:43 Caller See, I'm like, it's like, I need it, too, you know? So it's like, okay, whatever, you know?

1:27:49 Adam Okay, but let me make this analogy that, Drew, you know, I don't know what the average time, you know, people quit drugs or cigarettes or booze or whatever it is they're trying to quit. It's three or four times before it takes. And the same with relationships. You've been with somebody for three years, especially, you know, she's 20, so she got to get 16, 17 years old. You break up and then you get back and then you break up and you get back. She was like three, two, three times before it actually takes. And as you get older, you just start realizing, hopefully, that when you break up the first time, maybe should just stick with that plan instead of bouncing back. But this thing is sort of this is what happens when a relationship is sort of coasting to a stop.

1:28:32 Caller It's sort of like, you know, eventually, if you don't quit, he's going to quit.

1:28:36 Adam Like when a car's running out of gas, every once in a while, it catches and it's like, you know, but it's running out of gas, but it'll catch every once in a while.

1:28:45 Drew But you know what caused it finally to grind to a halt, right?

1:28:49 Adam Her love of avocados and living in Wisconsin.

1:28:51 Drew Somebody does something with somebody. You have to find somebody else.

1:28:55 Caller Boom.

1:28:56 Drew Now it's over. That's it.

1:28:57 Adam It would be nice if there was an event that made it sort of that you couldn't get past. You know what I mean?

1:29:05 Caller She hasn't set any boundaries in this relationship with this guy. She keeps taking him back and so he gets what he wants. She's feeling like not the most high self-esteem in the world, so she keeps taking him back. And you just got to find if this is the guy you really want to spend time with.

1:29:19 Adam No, no. And look, anyone who's been with anyone from 17 to 20 needs to break up anyway.

1:29:26 Caller It's good to be alone for a while and to scare yourself. I don't know what it could be alone. It's good to explore the I don't know what it's like to be alone.

1:29:34 Adam Right. Plus, then what happens? You get engaged to somebody you've been sort of on and off with.

1:29:39 Caller Yeah, you don't want that.

1:29:40 Adam Yeah, just break up.

1:29:41 Caller Do somebody you're excited about. Paul?

1:29:43 Adam Yeah? A man who shares your passion for avocados. What's up, Paul? I'm great. Hold on. I don't like this exporting of our fruits and vegetables to other places. You know, it used to be one of our things, like, hey, Hawaiians had their pineapples, we had our avocados, and we could laugh at other cities and states. Now everyone's got something.

1:30:03 Drew Everyone's got everything, though. I've got a patient brings a bunch of Hawaiian papayas every time they come in.

1:30:07 Caller That's nice.

1:30:08 Drew They brought a bunch, and they are so good.

1:30:10 Adam It's nice, but if you live in Hawaii, you've got to be angry. You've got to be angry about that.

1:30:15 Drew If you're Hawaiian.

1:30:16 Caller It's like tumbleweeds in Hawaii, papaya. They're just everywhere. They grow like weeds.

1:30:21 Caller They're amazing.

1:30:22 Adam Oh, little lime on there. What's happening?

1:30:26 Caller Indigenous originally to Brazil, but...

1:30:28 Drew Really?

1:30:30 Caller What they make fun of is the Portuguese over in Hawaii.

1:30:33 Adam Oh, really?

1:30:33 Caller The Portuguese guys, the ones they make fun of, yeah.

1:30:35 Caller The Hawaiian's make fun of them?

1:30:36 Caller Pineapple's also from Portugal. I mean, I'm sorry, from Brazil.

1:30:40 Drew The Hawaiian's make fun of the Portuguese?

1:30:41 Caller Yeah, that's the person they make fun of. It's like the Chinese and the Hawaiians, they make fun of the Portuguese. I don't know why. Just the way it works out.

1:30:50 Adam Hey, Paul?

1:30:50 Caller Yeah? Paul? Yeah.

1:30:55 Adam What's happening?

1:30:55 Caller Yeah, I can't go to sleep unless I have sex or masturbate.

1:30:59 Caller Me either. Okay, next call.

1:31:02 Caller Yeah.

1:31:03 Caller So what? Yeah, you're a guy. What you do? If it's a choice, sure, who wouldn't want to? Are you saying you think you have a problem?

1:31:11 Caller Yeah, because I have a girlfriend and we have sex like five to six times a day.

1:31:17 Caller Come on.

1:31:19 Caller I don't know if something's wrong with me.

1:31:20 Adam It's bogus. Here's how you know it's bogus. No question. Yeah. I bang the bejeezer out of my girlfriend's butt eight times a day. So, do you know what the problem is? It's like, you got a boner, you idiot. Check off.

1:31:40 Caller Problem is too self-congratulatory towards you.

1:31:43 Adam Here's the reason, guys. Guys beat off before they go to bed, not because they can't do it or they won't, you know, they have to do it or they won't be able to go to sleep. It's because they know it's going to be a good eight hours before they can do it again. To me, it's like why you take a leak before you take a drive to San Francisco. It's like, you know you're in your car. You got to get one in. It's going to be down for a while.

1:32:03 Drew It could happen, earthquake or something.

1:32:07 Adam Meteor. Let me give you an example. You didn't beat off and now like a missing piece of a Skylab goes right through your bedroom and crushes you. And there you are.

1:32:18 Drew Oh, it's a tragedy.

1:32:20 Caller Here's what gets me. Here's what I always think about. Tonight I was on the way over here. I better pick up a little dinner. So I make my buddy stop at a place. We got some food. I'm going by the food section in Wild Oats there. And there's sushi. I'm thinking, if you're going to buy sushi at a supermarket, chances are it's not bad, but if it is bad, no one's going to feel sorry for you. What were you thinking getting sushi in a supermarket? Just like people who go out and do this parasailing in Mexico, and then they get killed throwing rocks. Well, what were you thinking parasailing in Mexico? So I'm always thinking of what you're going to get sympathy from or not when you do something. Sleeping with a Haitian hooker. What were you thinking without a condom? Right.

1:33:06 Adam And it is true that the fact that you're gone is secondary to what took you out. I'm convinced I'm going to be crushed by something frozen, a piece of food, like a pot roast or something.

1:33:18 Caller Or how about that gigantic, you know, when the ice that comes out of the toilet. No, the toilet from the plane.

1:33:24 Adam Yeah, they call it blue ice.

1:33:26 Caller Blue ice, I didn't know the term.

1:33:27 Adam What?

1:33:28 Caller The stuff, sometimes there's a leakage of the plane.

1:33:31 Adam Blue ice, Drew.

1:33:32 Caller That'll be frozen at 30,000 feet from the plane, and it's the blue liquid from the toilet, and it'll actually leak out from the plane, and it will drop and be a chunk of ice and could just kill you. You didn't know that?

1:33:45 Drew Urban myth.

1:33:46 Adam No, no, no. It goes, why throw a guy's boat and stuff? Well, here's the whole thing about planes and boats and all forms of transportation before just a few years ago. Somebody was like, look, we're 30,000 feet in the air. Why should we store a big barrel of poop to bring back with us to the airport, for Christ's sake? Yeah, yeah.

1:34:07 Caller We're over the ocean, who's going to know?

1:34:08 Adam We're not bringing macadamia nuts back from Hawaii. We got a big tub of, you know, we got enough weight. First off, there's weight issues on the plane. Secondly, who wants a big tub of crap? Well, just we're over the Atlantic. We're 35,000 feet in the air, just dropping the ocean. Cruise liners used to do this, too.

1:34:22 Drew They made trains in Europe.

1:34:24 Caller Trains are on the tracks.

1:34:25 Adam All right, let's take ourselves a little.

1:34:50 Caller We're brought to you in part by Axe.

1:34:52 Caller Experience the Axe Effect. This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Ann Ingold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Sunday, July 25, 2004