Episode 1000633692269

1:05 Adam Not just Loveline, it's the best of Loveline. Yeah.

1:09 Drew Our favorite show.

1:10 Adam Oh, nothing better. Forget about that phone number. Forget about that fax number. Actually, we forgot about the fax number about eight years ago.

1:19 Drew I'd say so.

1:20 Adam Tonight, we are starting off with a gal that I didn't think I would... Lauren, hold on a second. Do you got to come in and out during the course? Just stop. Just shut the door. Come here, baby. Shut. We'll keep going. There we go. Starting off with Tina Fey and...

1:36 Drew These people know that this is really us talking.

1:39 Adam Yes.

1:39 Drew If you're not complaining about something going on in the studio. Tina Fey and Tim Meadows. And by the way, Mean Girls was... Did you see Mean Girls?

1:45 Adam No.

1:46 Drew Unbelievable. Heard it was great.

1:49 Adam I heard it was great. Great film.

1:51 Drew Now that, but she was so unassuming that night and she'd created this amazing film.

1:55 Adam I'm in love. I'm smitten.

1:57 Drew You will be too.

1:57 Adam Certified physician, addiction medicine specialist. And tonight, like the welcome to the show from Saturday Night Live, Tina Fey and formerly of Saturday Night Live, Tim Meadows. Tim's been on the show before. Thank you. A delight. And Tina, we've not had the chance to meet yet, but I'm a big fan.

2:16 Oh, thank you. I'm a big fan of yours.

2:18 Drew No. No, you can't be.

2:20 Man show?

2:23 Drew She studied up for sure.

2:24 Adam Well, you know, I studied up on Tina, too, because I was watching a Dateline Friday night.

2:30 Drew That was great.

2:31 Adam And saw a lovely piece on her, went back to her old high school, sat in the cafeteria. Hard hitting. She is, you know, I'll tell you. Upper, upper Darby.

2:43 Drew Upper, upper Darby. I beg your pardon.

2:46 Adam Yeah.

2:47 Drew She's straightened me out on that one.

2:48 Adam Yeah, she said upper Darby and she's toward the upper part, ironically, of the wall of fame.

2:53 I'm not on it yet.

2:54 Adam Oh, well, they sort of pan to it as if you were gonna be there, but then you didn't seem to be there.

3:00 I didn't get on it yet.

3:01 Adam Well, you will be after tonight's radio show. And Tim, I don't know if you've made the wall of fame at whatever school you want to.

3:08 Wall of Shame, Pershing High.

3:09 Adam Pershing High.

3:11 No, I haven't made it yet.

3:12 Adam All right, and I'm not sure, by the way, Drew, do you guys, what do you guys got?

3:16 Nothing.

3:16 Adam Well, your school puts out senators. I mean, you're nothing. You're on some, like, I'm a disgrace. Inside of a trash can lid somewhere, like the basket of disgrace. There's where Dr. Drew and C. Everett Coop are. They're losers. They didn't even become vice president. Drew went to a very, very stringent prep school in which everyone went to Ivy League colleges and so forth. Tina, so I love, okay, let me say a couple things, first off, and Drew, I'm not just kissing SNL ass here.

3:47 Drew He's not only kissing SLL.

3:50 Adam Right.

3:50 Drew Yeah, in addition to kissing SLL ass, you actually mean what you're saying.

3:53 Adam But let me say, what's wrong with kissing ass?

3:56 Drew Nothing, it's a form of affection.

3:59 Adam When we used to do the man show, I'd walk up the stairs and some intern be standing and say, hey, Adam, looking good, boss. Lost some weight and I'd walk up the stairs. I get to the top and Jimmy'd say, he's just kissing your ass.

4:09 I'd say, good, give him a raise.

4:11 Adam I like that. It's even more better than if he just, yeah, it's like faking an orgasm. Thank you. This woman cares. Okay, so the show. Yeah, a lot of people have a thing with Saturday Night Live. It's like, oh, it could be better. All they do is think, I mean, it's been this way for 20 years.

4:30 Since the original players.

4:31 Adam Since the original players. And I gotta say a couple of things. First off, you go back and watch the originals. It's hit and miss at best. A lot of legends, a lot of great work, but what sticks in your mind is the, you know, the Blues Brothers and the Coneheads, go just watch a typical one where Buck Henry's hosting and see what you see.

4:48 See the other 58 minutes.

4:49 Adam See the other 58 minutes of the show. Number one. Number two, it is exquisitely difficult to put on a sketch show, hour, hour and a half long show.

4:59 Drew Week in and week out.

4:59 Adam Week in and week out with no, you know, when you go see a play or something that's been rehearsed, it's been taken on the road, every nuance has been found. Just to throw something up, see if it sticks every week is a tall order and the news, always my favorite part.

5:15 I must say.

5:16 Drew And the ladies man.

5:17 Adam Yeah, oh, and the ladies man.

5:18 What, am I here to do the favorite part?

5:21 Adam Well, Tim's included in the overall ass kissing umbrella.

5:25 Thank you very much. I felt some of that over here too, I appreciate it. And I agree, I think it's, I mean, it's a hard show to do, you know, and to be consistently funny is, you know, it's a challenge.

5:40 Adam My partners have talked about doing a sketch comedy show before, and I'm like, don't bother, because sketch comedy is a nine or a 10 on the difficulty level, but people look at it as a four. So why bother with that? It's like some incredible, it's like, if you're an ice skater, would you put the move in your routine that was almost impossible to pull off, but the judges didn't think much of it? No, you wanna do an improvisational one. You wanna do, whose line is it anyway? Well, you just sit up there and basically warm over the same crap you did at the Groundlings 10 years ago, and everyone goes, oh my God, I could never do that. I could never do that.

6:16 Caller I could never rhyme corn and porn in a song.

6:21 In a country you'd never do.

6:23 Adam Right, and one that, albeit it's improvisational, but you have many of the parameters worked out well in advance, so you only have to put the mortar between the improvisational bricks, Drew. You don't have to build a whole goddamn barbecue.

6:39 Drew You're dear here.

6:40 Adam I thought I was never gonna say that.

6:42 Drew I was thinking about the guys from Whose Line Is It, anyway, we've had in here, though, that you've been chasing their paths.

6:49 Adam No more difficult art form than improvisational time.

6:53 Drew So I just try to remember their names.

6:56 Adam All right, well, we've had them all over the years. Mean Girls is coming out.

7:01 Yes, that's the movie we're in here to plug.

7:03 Drew Lorne Michaels, we'll be calling in later. We are not to mention SNL ever again. Now it's all about Mean Girls from now on.

7:08 Adam All right, okay.

7:09 Drew Mean Girls is the movie we're here to promote.

7:10 Adam Yes, I've seen, I saw snippets of it on the interview I saw with Tina over the weekend on Friday night and it looked fantabulous. I also saw a clip of it on Leno, I believe. Maybe Thursday night.

7:26 Caller Yeah, yeah, Thursday night.

7:27 Adam This close to stalking you, baby.

7:31 Caller You're just taking me up automatically, isn't it?

7:33 Adam Yeah, yeah. So it looks good, but tell us about it.

7:38 Caller Well, it's a comedy, it's basically a comedy about girls in high school and all the ways that they mess with each other and try to destroy each other's lives.

7:47 Drew Does stuff like that happen to you in high school? Or do you see it happen to your friends?

7:50 Caller I mean, I was sort of guilty of it in high school. I was pretty, like I had zero luck with guys in high school and I was really bitter about it and really jealous and so if I liked a guy and he liked some other girl, I was just viciously mean about that girl and would talk about her behind her back all the time.

8:06 Drew Now wait a minute, we gotta examine that.

8:08 Adam We've talked about this a few times actually.

8:09 Drew This is a uniquely human female characteristic.

8:12 Caller Yeah, this is a female thing.

8:13 Drew What is that? I'll tell you what, they've studied this in other primate systems. They have and female chimpanzees behave precisely the same way. In fact, they will gather the group together and literally turn their back on the one that they've shunning, they have a shunning behavior.

8:28 Caller Yeah, that's what it is.

8:29 Drew It's shunning.

8:30 Caller It's monkey behavior.

8:32 Drew Well, it's nice, isn't it?

8:33 Caller Yeah.

8:34 Adam Yeah, I don't know what guys do, but it's more the equivalent to the need of the nuts than it is the actual clandestine operation.

8:42 Drew It's either in some sort of athletic jousting, or you can go kick their ass, try to kill them.

8:48 Right.

8:49 Drew In one or the other.

8:49 Adam Right, where so women are much more subtle. I think women look at women as the competition, whereas men don't really look at other men as the competition.

9:02 Drew Unless there's certain barriers of the men cross, they've now crossed into something inappropriate.

9:07 Right.

9:08 Drew You're a best friend, and all of a sudden I found out you did something. But they don't think about men as competition.

9:12 Adam No, but I mean, men look at women as sort of the trophy, and if it was a race, they'd be trying to get to the trophy, whereas if women were racing, they'd be looking to their left and to their right. They're trying to trip them up before they get to the trophy. Right. I don't know which is better and which is worse.

9:30 Drew Just different.

9:31 Adam Just different? They can't be worse?

9:33 Drew Yeah, I guess they could.

9:34 Adam All right.

9:34 Drew Well, this movie's about how worse they can be.

9:36 Caller Yes.

9:37 Drew Do you like Lindsay Lohan?

9:38 Caller Yeah, I love Lindsay Lohan. Are you asking that?

9:39 Adam Oh, well, we all do. Well, look at her. What do I, I despise her. Look at that nubile shapely body and those tight jeans.

9:47 Yuck!

9:47 Adam Get her out of my face before I vomit.

9:53 Yeah, she's a pig.

9:56 Adam I don't know. I like her. Why not? Do you like her?

9:58 Drew I just think she's great.

9:59 Adam Well, Drew, you see all the movies, right?

10:01 Drew Yeah, because my kids, I love 11-year-old triplets.

10:05 Caller Holy mother.

10:06 Adam Good luck and show her. Show it to you.

10:08 Caller You got pictures?

10:08 Adam Tina, do you have any kids?

10:09 Caller No, not yet.

10:10 Adam You're too busy being funny to have kids, right?

10:12 Caller That's what I'm telling my parents.

10:13 Adam Look at those kids. Beautiful.

10:16 There's three of them. That's amazing. How old are your boys? Two boys.

10:22 Caller This is good radio. We're looking at pictures.

10:24 Two boys. Yeah. They're curly hair, but I don't get it over there.

10:27 Adam That's nice. They can both date Drew's daughter. That would be a real taboo thing. Drew Dixon.

10:33 There's a picture of Julian going through luggage for you in the radio land.

10:38 Wow.

10:40 Adam Wow. Crazy hair on those too.

10:43 Yeah, thanks.

10:44 Adam Beautiful. All right. All right, you ready to move forward?

10:48 Drew Sure.

10:48 All right, let's talk to...

10:51 Drew Anyways, I gotta see all these films because my daughter goes all this stuff. Like, What a Girl Wants, and you know.

10:57 Adam Is your daughter, but guys have the capacity to see a movie five, six times.

11:02 Drew Yeah, she does that too. Not quite with the same directed intention that the boys do. The boys were like, we saw Hellboy on Friday and they were going back on Saturday. It's like going on a roller coaster. You gotta go several times. Girl will see it over the year several times.

11:16 Adam It's good to lay that groundwork for when they get porn later. Like I've been watching Sex Boat and Taboo 2 for-

11:22 Drew 47 years.

11:23 Adam Yeah, I mean, I'm well into the thousands of watching.

11:30 Drew The money saved, you didn't have to buy all the, you don't need new porn every month.

11:34 Adam No, I don't.

11:35 Drew He's the same old man.

11:35 Adam But I treat myself anyway. I don't need it.

11:37 And you still don't know the plot of the movie.

11:39 Caller You only know the first 10 minutes of the movie.

11:42 Drew No, he goes directly to his favorite spot. He fast-forced through, finds the spot he likes and clicks on it.

11:48 Adam Well, and I had this argument with guys before. I don't know if Tina can weigh in or not.

11:52 Drew Tina can't quite grasp this. It's like 10 minutes into the plot.

11:58 What are you talking about?

11:59 Drew 10 minutes.

11:59 Adam But maybe Tina's husband gets to watch. Do you mind if your husband watches a little porn now and again?

12:04 Caller No, I don't. But I think it would, actually, I would probably be more likely to watch it than he would.

12:10 Drew Oh, really?

12:10 Caller He would, yeah.

12:12 Adam Good. He's got, yeah, that's good. When you trick him that way.

12:14 Drew Yeah, yeah.

12:15 Caller It's good.

12:16 If you don't like it.

12:18 Drew Smart guy. Don't pull his cover.

12:20 It's cool.

12:21 Adam All right, but Tim.

12:22 Drew I'm against it.

12:23 Adam Okay, but let me ask you this. If I rent a porn, I gotta watch the whole porn before I beat off to make sure that I'm not missing something, like someone I went to high school with or something, isn't it?

12:36 Drew But then you go, then you mark the spots you want, and then you go back to-

12:40 Adam Well, don't say mark, because it sounds weird. No, I know. I know my head. Like I know, okay, this scene on the boat. That's great.

12:47 I gotta get back to that one.

12:48 Adam You don't have to power all the way through. You don't have to watch the whole thing, see if there's something you're missing, someone who's better, someone you may have known before.

12:56 No.

12:57 Adam No, me neither. Yeah, me neither.

13:00 I don't know what you're talking about.

13:02 Adam Me neither. Me too. Me neither.

13:04 I remember we watched them with friends. Like, you ever sit in a room with a bunch of guys like in college?

13:09 Caller Yes.

13:09 That's the most uncomfortable sort of like, you know, you sort of look around and it's like, well, I think I'm gonna go eat or something. Yeah, it's really.

13:17 Adam Yeah, it can get uncomfortable. Yes, Drew? Well, here's the thing, too, though. I don't know, you know, Tim, Drew, you know, me, we're all somewhere in the same age group, which is, it's not like everyone had a VCR and a stack of porn in their room. It was like, if you're lucky and knew someone who had one that was sort of in the den, and if you wanted to watch it, well, so did eight other guys, and it was sort of a novelty.

13:43 Drew I remember my junior or senior year of college, they had a public viewing of Deep Throat. Really? Because it was such, so novelty, and literally 400 students showed up to watch this thing on a little, on a Betamax, you know, a little TV or something, in the psychology department's lecture hall.

14:00 Adam Really, did you go? Yeah, yeah, yeah, did you hang in?

14:04 Drew I didn't watch that much, it was not the most desirable experience.

14:09 Adam But you went home and, of course, thank you.

14:11 But it holds up the story. Oh yeah, yeah, over the years, even today it still rings true.

14:16 Adam Clitoris where her uvula would be or something, right?

14:20 Drew Genius, genius, cinematic genius, triumph. It's such a commentary, a puckish satire of contemporary mores.

14:26 Caller Just like the Titanic of porn.

14:29 Adam Keith, hey guys, you're 25, what's up?

14:32 Best Of Hey Adam, Dr. Drew, Tim and Tina, how are you?

14:34 Adam How's it going?

14:35 Best Of I'm hearing a lot of great buzz about me and girls. I'm hearing the heathers of the 21st century.

14:41 Adam Wow.

14:42 Best Of Very excited to see it. I got a couple of F&L questions for you, Tina, if that's okay. First of all, Janet Jackson on a couple weeks ago, she was on Letterman and very hesitant to talk about anything about the incident. And on Siren Live, she seemed to be able to joke about it a little bit. Was it tough to write for her? Was she restrictive at all?

15:02 Caller No, she was really cool. She let us try anything we wanted to read through and then we kind of figured out what would be best for the actual show from there. But obviously she was fine joking about her wardrobe malfunction and stuff.

15:17 Adam Yeah, hey Keith?

15:19 Best Of Yeah.

15:19 Adam That's enough. It reminds me of something though.

15:22 Drew Adam's gotta talk.

15:23 Adam I just use our callers like Post-its. They say milk, but I'll go to the market and then get some other stuff too. If people come on the show that are a little tight lipped on when they're sitting across from Letterman or Kimmel or Leno or something like that, but then they come on the show and they sort of openly mock themselves. And I'm wondering, do you think they feel like they're playing a character in a play almost, even if it has their name on it?

15:52 Caller Yeah, maybe it's because it's rehearsed for a couple days, they feel like they're in control of it more than like, if you're sitting at a talk show, you don't know how it's gonna come out.

16:02 Adam Because some of the stuff, like, you know-

16:04 Drew No, there'll be no follow on to, I'm sorry.

16:06 Caller Yeah, right.

16:07 Adam As I saw her on Letterman, and Letterman was asking the kind of questions you'd ask if she was on your show. And she was pretty tight-lipped about it. And I've seen this with a lot of celebrities, so immediately come on the show and start poking fun at themselves and or making fun of other celebrities, like, you know, they're playing Courtney Love. And, you know, normally this is sort of a town where you'd be scared that Courtney Love would then, you know, hit you El Cabong style with a guitar, you know, for making fun of her. You know, if anyone's gonna bring back the El Cabong.

16:42 Drew It'd be Courtney.

16:43 Adam I think it would be Courtney, right? They gotta go acoustic if you're going to El Cabong. It just doesn't work with electric guitar. You need something to crack over someone's head.

16:53 Drew She's a Lone Ranger band. Across her eyes.

16:56 Adam All right, let's talk to Kelsey, who's 21. Kelsey?

17:00 Caller Hello.

17:01 Adam What's happening, baby doll?

17:03 Caller I'm having some problems.

17:05 Drew All right. Yeah, we're here.

17:09 Adam Here we go.

17:11 Caller I'm having some problems. When I have intercourse, I don't have any vaginal wetness at all.

17:18 Drew Are you on a medication?

17:20 Caller Birth control, and that's it.

17:22 Drew Which birth control? You know, that will do that sometimes. It's more common. That's not the pill that usually does that, but I have had patients complain about that from that pill. So you may want to talk to your doctor about changing to something a little different.

17:39 Caller My significant other just thinks I'm not having an orgasm. I have an orgasm, but I don't have any wetness.

17:44 Drew Yeah, usually, in my experience, that's been from the progesterone in the pills that does that. The fact that you can't have, you are having an orgasm?

17:52 Caller Yes, I am.

17:54 Adam Really? Yeah. Why are you shaking your head, Drew?

17:56 Drew I don't know, it sounds funny. There'd be no arousal. But again, the dryness can be a lack of estrogen.

18:00 Adam You're as bad as her fiance is, Drew.

18:03 Drew Pretty bad, huh?

18:05 Caller Yeah.

18:06 Adam Does he not believe you?

18:08 Caller What? He doesn't believe, well, he just thinks that when a woman has an orgasm, there should be a puddle.

18:16 Drew No, no, no.

18:18 Adam Yeah, that was his last gow.

18:20 Drew I'm sure. Sorry, Kelsey.

18:21 Caller What about some, like, astroglide?

18:23 Drew Right, something to compensate for that. Exactly. I think it's not so much, are you getting pain or irritation or intercourse?

18:29 Caller It kind of, when I have an orgasm, I kind of do have a little discomfort in the beginning.

18:34 Drew All right, so you might as well just use some lubricant and tell your boyfriend to shut up. He might not even need to change the pill. It was not bothering you.

18:42 Adam You make noise and stuff, though? So, I mean, he's got something to hang his hat on, right? You do something, right?

18:50 Caller It's not abnormal. It does happen, then.

18:52 Drew It happens for you. Yes, you're fine. You're fine.

18:55 Caller Thank you.

18:56 Adam All right, use that lube. I wonder how lube consumption is doing in this country.

19:02 Caller Why?

19:02 Adam I don't know.

19:04 I just started thinking about it.

19:06 Adam Like, lube is up. There's gotta be some sort of shareholders meeting over at KY or something where they point to a graph.

19:14 Drew Well, Tina mentioned Astroglyde. That's the first time we've had somebody mention a brand name.

19:18 Caller Well, it's a good brand.

19:19 Drew See? So Astroglyde must be making a move.

19:22 Adam Yeah. They run the commercial every once in a while when they talk about feminine lubrication.

19:27 Caller They have that KY warming commercial.

19:32 Drew Trogen has a warming condom now, too.

19:35 Caller They have a vibrating condom. Somebody... No, not Trogen. Somebody.

19:40 Adam You know, does the KY warming thing, they use the guy, Pat Morita, Mr. Miyagi, he does that thing, and it's like he laid his hands on your vagina. It would be great when it just, Hassan. I like the idea. I'd like the idea of the warming lube, even if it wasn't, you know, used in a sexual way. Just a little chafing on the elbows.

20:02 Caller Hurt yourself playing tennis?

20:04 Adam Give me some of that... Yeah, give me that lava KY. All right. Here, I used some of that in my hair, didn't I, once?

20:13 Drew You used astroglide.

20:14 Adam Astroglide.

20:15 Drew Yeah, we were to college and he mentioned that he had nothing to put in his hair.

20:18 Adam My hair was getting a little nappy.

20:19 Drew So he reached in the closet, there was some astroglide, just put it in, there you go. Works fine.

20:24 Adam Here's my theory.

20:25 Drew It works.

20:26 Adam Almost everything is just...

20:27 Drew Don't encourage him, Tina.

20:29 Adam Almost any, by the way, anything you shove up your ass, you can put on your head.

20:34 I mean, if you can put it up your ass, you can eat it.

20:36 Drew Yeah, yeah, yeah.

20:37 Adam If you can put it up your ass, you can ram it in your eye repeatedly on a sharp stick.

20:41 Drew Not necessarily the eye, but you can put it in your mouth and on your hair.

20:44 Adam I'm telling you, if you can put it in your ass, you could rub it in your baby's eye and be fine.

20:47 Drew Can you put stool in your eye? No. All right.

20:54 Adam Well, hold on.

20:55 Drew I didn't say have you. I said, could you or is it a good thing to do?

20:59 Adam Okay, touche, Drew. But there's no company producing stool.

21:03 Drew Yes, touche, yes, yes. Adam Corolla's new stool, synthesized stool. I think you'd just be Duke by Adam Carolla.

21:11 Adam Yeah.

21:12 Caller All right.

21:15 Adam We could find some use for it.

21:16 Drew For Duke?

21:17 Adam Well, I'm saying we come up with a synthesized stool and then let the consumer figure out what to do with it.

21:23 Caller What they want to smear it on.

21:24 Adam Let's not do it the other way where we come up with the product and then they come up with the need.

21:29 Drew Duke by Adam Carolla, the ultimate democratic solution.

21:33 Adam That's it. I'd imagine be used in, you know, fraternity hazing, some things like that. You got a neighbor's on your nerves. Just broke up with a girlfriend. You know, where cars parked, you know, that kind of stuff.

21:43 Caller You want to mess with the neighbor, but you don't want, you know, DNA testing to come back to the problem.

21:48 Adam Yeah, because stool, take it from me. Chalked full of DNA.

21:54 Caller Full. That's corn. It's not DNA.

21:59 Adam Mike?

22:00 Yes, sir.

22:01 Adam You're 16?

22:01 Caller 16? Yes, sir.

22:03 Adam What's up?

22:04 Caller First off, Adam, man, you should run for governor in California. You know that?

22:08 Adam All right, all right. I'll do that.

22:11 Caller Dr., how are you and tonight's guest?

22:13 Caller Hello?

22:15 Adam That's Tina Fey and Tim Meadows, by the way. Hi, Tina.

22:18 Caller Yeah, yeah, thanks.

22:19 Drew Oh, these mean girls. What's up?

22:21 Caller Oh, really? And yeah, so my parents found out I smoke pot, or my mom did, actually. She found my pipe in my pocket, and they both smoke pot themselves, so. And my dad, he's not like, totally anti-smoking, but he's just like, I know you're going to do it, so just be responsible. My mom is just totally, don't do this, I'm kicking you out of my house. And so my dad and mom are divorced, so my dad asked me to move in with them. And you think I should do this, or?

22:55 Drew I think you gotta stay with your mom and listen to her.

22:57 Caller What, you think I should?

22:58 Drew Yeah.

23:00 Adam Yeah, well, here's the thing, Mike.

23:02 Caller How old is he?

23:02 Adam He's 16.

23:03 Drew Oh yeah, there's a million things to tell, Mike, but you go ahead.

23:06 Adam All right, well, it's not a popular opinion, but smart people can do drugs up to a point. If you're mediocre in the brains department or even low, if you do drugs, you're gonna be unemployable. No one really talks about this. I won't put Mike on hold so I don't offend him, but. Go ahead, Governor. Here's the thing, if you're a super intelligent guy or gal, you can dabble in drugs a little bit. You can experiment. You can even smoke weed on a semi-regular basis and still have a regular job and make lots of money and go to college. You can do well. You won't do as well as you would have done if you didn't do the drugs, but you get knocked down from sort of super genius to just above average. If you're hovering somewhere around not really able to complete high school or get a job and then start doing copious amounts of drugs, you'll just be like retarded. You will slide down. I mean, it numbs you a certain percent. Now, eventually you'll have liver problems and you'll be whatever. You'll be out in the street and you'll kill yourself. But I'm just talking about in the short term, we don't really talk about this that much. It's just like drugs are bad, pot's bad. Don't do this, don't do that.

24:10 Drew Just don't dumb down.

24:11 Adam A guy like Mike needs to use all of, he needs to feel like he just hopped out of a cold shower in order to take a test or fill out a job application. If he's sort of, and we all know those guys that are, there's comics who can just get baked and stoned and high, whatever, and then walk out on stage and be a genius for an hour. Mike is not that guy.

24:33 Drew And eventually that House of Cards falls too. And the thing about the pod, under the age of 18, is there is some data that suggests it can interrupt development, emotional development. And if you are prone to addiction, Mike, you will be profoundly addicted for some people.

24:47 Caller Well, first of all, Adam, I go to school and beg Thomas every day, and I don't make bad grades.

24:54 Drew But here's the deal. So you are addicted, and that's the deal, Mike. And it is an interruption of the normal developmental process, it's something you're gonna be doing every day from now on, it will have great difficulty stopping. It's responsible for about one out of five admissions to chemical dependency units today in the United States. It is a very, very addictive drug for some people. You're one of those people, and you're starting at a young enough age where it's gonna have real consequences.

25:18 Adam Well, you go to school baked every day, and your parents both smoke out, so maybe you are one of those people.

25:22 Drew But intellectually is not so much my concern. It is really more about emotional development, and I see all addiction is what I call a bid for affect regulation, but to control and regulate feelings. And once you get going with it, it's bad, it's tough to stop. So good luck.

25:35 Adam Hey, Mike?

25:36 Caller Yeah.

25:37 Adam All right, so I'm not sure what your plans are for the future, but I would really encourage you to ease off on the weed. And listen, I'm not uptight. I'll smoke weed if someone gives me weed.

25:47 Caller All right, let's go smoke a boat, Adam.

25:49 Adam I'm done with the, well, no, I gotta do it with someone. Here's the thing. I gotta do it with a cool person, you know what I mean?

25:57 Drew Mike, you get anxious, you freak out?

25:58 Adam Yeah, I don't wanna do it with someone who's less cool than I am, otherwise it's no fun.

26:02 Drew I see.

26:02 Adam I want someone to be cooler, you know?

26:04 Caller Like Snoop Dogg or something.

26:06 Drew He's done it with Snoop too many times.

26:08 Adam My God, man, it's like I smoke a lot of weed. He's still back at it.

26:14 Drew I thought Bishop Don Juan cured him.

26:16 Caller He claimed to not do it anymore.

26:18 Drew He's a spiritual advisor, cured him.

26:20 Adam He's a chalice, sure. He's a spiritual advisor.

26:23 Drew The big pimp? I beg your pardon.

26:24 Adam I'm sorry.

26:25 Drew It's Bishop Don Juan, his spiritual advisor.

26:27 Adam I have been to the bishop's house, or should I say apartment, which is not very far from here, and not many guys own a Cadillac and a Rolls-Royce and live in an apartment. What the bishop does. I mean, I walked into this guy's, I walked into this guy's apartment and it was like a scene. It was like that scene from Animal House where the guy comes into the black road house and he's like, Otis, my man!

26:57 And I just came walking in, howdy fellas!

26:59 Adam And like 19 gang bangers and just a haze of smoke all playing video games and eating Popeye. All just sitting there and they all just sort of looked up at me very slowly and simultaneously. It was a good time. I've leafed through the Bishop's closet. Seemed some of his outfits. He's good people, good people. All right, good times. Tina Fey is here. Timmy the Bishop Meadows is here tonight. We're talking about Mean Girls and we'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

27:38 Caller Mark your calendars. The Olympics in Athens are coming August 13th to the networks of NBC.

27:52 Adam Hey everybody, it's Loveline, the best of Loveline. We're back, I'm Adam, that's Dr. Who.

27:59 Caller That's right.

28:01 Drew Mr. Enthusiastic. I'm enthusiastic because we're not here.

28:04 Adam That's right, we're doing something, and I bet it's better than this.

28:07 Drew Well, not better than this, but better than us doing this.

28:10 Adam That's right, all right. Well, we only run the best shows for the best of, so without any further ado, a guy who turned out to be the nicest guy in the world I really wanted to meet because he is one of the biggest players in one of my most favorite shows, Survivor. This is Colby from Survivor All Stars. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline, I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew over in Bum F. It's Colby here tonight from Survivor.

28:45 Caller Yeah, a dismal clap.

28:47 Adam Got off, did the Australia and now off the All Star. We'll be getting back to that card game before the night is through.

28:56 Caller Jennifer?

28:58 Adam You're 23? You're four months pregnant? All right.

29:05 Caller And...

29:05 Adam Father died two weeks ago?

29:08 Drew The father of the child? Oh, what happened?

29:16 Caller Of everything you could possibly imagine.

29:18 Drew I'm so sorry.

29:21 Caller But the thing is, he didn't tell his parents before he passed about the baby. And they found out through some people, I guess, that I'm not associated with. And they told the people... they told his parents, and they wouldn't allow me at the funeral or anything like that. So I was just wondering if I should just let it go and let them come around, or if I should...

29:46 Adam Why wouldn't they... they wouldn't allow you at the funeral?

29:49 Caller Yeah, because I guess they associated me with drugs, which I... I've never done a drug. And I'm clean. And I guess, like they say, addicts hide everything. So...

29:57 Caller You never...

29:59 Adam so you're just with this guy who was a full-blown addict, and you've never done drugs yourself.

30:03 Caller No. And that's what...like...I've known him for 12 years, but I didn't live here. I like moved away for a while, and I came back and started hanging out, and I didn't know he was like this. And...

30:17 Drew It still doesn't make sense why they wouldn't allow you at the funeral. There's something missing.

30:21 Caller That's... no, that's... they wouldn't allow me, my mom, my dad, none of my family to go. I don't know if they're trying to blame somebody for his own actions or... what.

30:32 Drew You have another child, too?

30:33 Caller Yeah.

30:35 Drew And that child's got to be like eight months old.

30:37 Caller Yeah.

30:39 Drew Who's the father of that one?

30:45 Adam When he found out you're... well, hold on. When he found out you're pregnant with this other guy's kid? Oh, I see.

30:54 Drew And...

30:54 Adam All right, hold on a second. We have to convene. So, I know what Drew's thinking. Drew's thinking, well, this is a tragedy, but yet there's more to it than meets the eye.

31:04 Drew Oh, my, yes.

31:05 Adam She's not just some Pollyanna, who's never actually even had a thimble full of alcohol in her life. She magically gets hooked up with some junkie and can't go to the funeral, even though she had a, you know, a bonding relationship with this guy. There's some denial, there's something. And then it starts to...

31:23 Caller She uses the phrase, I'm clean, which...

31:25 Adam Yeah, there's something going on. And then you hear the kid in the background. Now there's another guy and another kid. And it starts to... it comes unraveled a little bit. Doesn't mean these people aren't wrong. And by the way, can you stop somebody coming, you know...

31:42 Drew Yeah, how do you stop that? Coming to a funeral.

31:46 Adam Your wife died or my wife died or your girlfriend died or Chris's beanbag chair, he humps died, engineer Chris. Could the parents of the beanbag chair stop Chris from coming to the funeral? I don't think wild horses could stop this kid from attending that funeral. I'm just saying, like, you just go, no, I'm going to show up, I'm going to pay my respects. I don't know how that works. I don't know how it is. I guess you're talking and they're saying, no, you can't come.

32:09 Drew How did you find out that you weren't supposed to come even?

32:11 Caller Well, okay, we showed up at the funeral home and where I guess people are supposed to exit, they had his name above it and to the room where they had him, they had exit above the sign. So we went into the room that had his name above it. And the family, like his aunts and uncles, stopped us, asked us our names, checked a list and they said that we were on the list so we could not come in.

32:35 Adam Oh, well. So in a way, yeah, you got to tip them. They're looking for a tip.

32:42 Caller You got to grease the funeral home director.

32:44 Caller Well, we did. And the funeral director set up a time for my family.

32:49 Adam Hold on, she doesn't know what that means. I just like the idea of you going, is it going to be an open casket? No, absolutely not. Maybe this will help open the casket a little. That'll get a crack open. That'll get a crack and peel off another 20. We should be able to chalk it up about six inches. If you stick your face in there, you could probably see if you had one of those pen like flashlights. Maybe this will help get the casket just a little bit more open. It's great. It's like the major D. Jennifer?

33:20 Caller We, honestly, we talked to the funeral director. They were going to give us like our own time to mourn him. And then the family found out that he was going to let us and told them that absolutely not. So the funeral director came to my house and told me about what happened and brought me a bunch of the funeral flyers and everything. And that's all we got out of it.

33:41 Adam Jennifer.

33:41 Drew Still confused.

33:42 Adam Yeah. Here's the thing. And here's the problem. And I feel bad for you. And, you know, you're pregnant with this guy's kid. This guy died a few weeks ago. There's still parts missing here. And I'm not sure why. Had you had contact with the family before this?

33:58 Caller I met him a couple of times, but I'd only hung out with him by myself like twice.

34:03 Drew Was there a problem when you were there then with them?

34:04 Do you have a troubled past?

34:06 Caller They were real nice. And his mom's the principal of an elementary school. And, I mean, she was real nice and polite and that's what I don't get.

34:14 Adam And your past is you got a kid. You don't do drugs.

34:19 Caller I'm a mother and I own my own business and that's what I do.

34:24 Adam What's that business? Phone sex?

34:25 Caller Yeah, right.

34:30 Adam Who's we? So this is a tragedy. I'm sorry for the way they handle it. Maybe they were just in such grief they couldn't see anybody that they reminded them of their son. Who the hell knows? And by the way, as a guy who's one of his best buddies, smoked weed constantly and whose mom always assumed I was the guy who was forcing him to smoke the weed like, yeah, that's what I do. I take a big hit and then we'd French kiss and I would massage his lungs and blow it into it. Parents, parents are by the way, absolutely baddy about that kind of stuff. I mean, you know, your son's a junkie. He's hooked up with some chick who doesn't do drugs and you can still blame that person, anybody but your own. It is amazing the capacity of especially a mother to do that kind of stuff. Yeah, but anyway, so Jennifer, you're going to have his child? All right. And yeah. Jennifer, you want to know whether to tell the family?

35:37 Caller Well, the family found out through some of, I guess, his other friends that were able to go to the funeral and they like have made like no attempt. They said that they don't, they told, I've heard through the grapevine or whatever, that they don't want to deal with the baby situation or any of that. So I was wondering if I should just let it go and just say, forget them. Or if I should, you know, try to get them into my child's life.

36:02 Drew Well, I would say not.

36:03 Adam No, I would, I would say no. I would also say a couple of things. One, I don't know if the family is financially obliged to be involved with this. No, not at all. Says no.

36:16 Caller No, I have not.

36:17 Adam Eleven times, actually.

36:20 Caller Jennifer, I have a question. Are you are you dating? Do you have a boyfriend now?

36:24 Caller No, I don't.

36:25 Adam Probably best. You're an Indiana Colby. We swing it through there and rely.

36:29 Caller So that's not why I was here.

36:31 Adam Here's the thing, Jennifer, how about you give the kid up for adoption?

36:34 Caller I can't do that.

36:37 Drew Why can't you?

36:38 Caller Because I would wonder all the time about it.

36:41 Drew Wonder about it being with a worthwhile family.

36:43 Adam Assume he's doing better than than he is with you. And then it's it's easy.

36:47 Caller But I take very good care of my son now.

36:50 Adam OK, all right. I just the idea that you're 23, you're trying to run a business, you have an eight month old, you're going to have another. Do you just have one kid so far? Yeah, OK, there he is. OK, Jennifer, don't deal that. Look, if if the if the family doesn't want you involved, then fine. They get by the way.

37:10 Drew Why is the child up at three in the morning?

37:13 Adam He watches Nightline.

37:15 Caller Drew, what do you think she ought to do?

37:18 Drew I think the child would have a much greater chance with an adoptive parent.

37:22 Adam Here's the thing.

37:23 Drew She's got chaos in her life. She's got she's busy trying to support another child. It just could you imagine at 23 having had two children?

37:30 Caller No, no, it's because I think you're right.

37:34 Adam Oh, yeah. Plus, your ass would be like a dinner bell. I mean, just be like that triangle. I mean, imagine blown out. You know what I'm saying? I mean, as a guy, right? OK, yeah, here's the thing. Here's what Drew is responding to. Here's what I'm responding to. Our spidey sense is tingling. Security business with dad cranked out a kid with another guy who's not in the picture. Pregnant with this guy. Parents magically don't want her anywhere near the funeral. Much more to this. And just a sort of general white trash demeanor. Much more to this than meets the eye. Yeah, we talk to these people all the time. They're like these are the same people when they're in high school. They're like, well, why did you get expelled? Principal doesn't like me, right? That doesn't like you or you vandalize the cafeteria.

38:19 Caller You know what I mean?

38:20 Adam And if you talk to them, well, unless you can talk to the principal, you'll never hear it. It's like, according to them, they just got tossed out for no good reason. So I feel sorry for what Jennifer's going through. I bet there's more to it than meets the eye.

38:34 Caller All right.

38:34 Adam We're with Colby from Survivor All Stars, and Loveline will be right back after this. It's Adam.

38:46 Drew And I'm Dr. Drew.

38:47 Adam Here to talk about Axe Deodorant Body Spray.

38:50 Drew Yes, sir.

38:50 Adam You spray that on, you give stink the axe.

38:57 Caller Welcome back to Loveline on 100.5, The Zone.

39:04 Adam Hey, everybody. It's Loveline, the best of Loveline. Don't bother calling the show. We got it all worked out for you now.

39:10 Drew Hands in love with this guy, Colby. Crazy. Dilates.

39:15 Adam Four pair panties tonight. Colby from Survivor was in. Colby was in here and we pulled Colby away from a card game. He was playing with the host of Survivor, Jeff Probst, and of course movie star Shannon Elizabeth. They ended up calling in and it went a little something like this. And now off the All-Star, Jeff Probst, of course, the biggest survivor of them all is on the line. Colby playing cards with Jeff. Jeff?

39:43 Best Of I just won a huge hand during the commercial.

39:45 Oh, you guys played a whole round.

39:47 Best Of OK, now I'm missing it.

39:48 Adam Yes, we did. Now, what do you play?

39:51 Best Of We play a lot of junk games. You know, in Los Angeles now, there's this Texas Hold'em elitism that that's like, you know, all these guys play. But we play all the, you know, between the sheets and 727 and F your neighbor and, you know, the other good game.

40:09 Adam You know, it's nice every once in a while, say, a round of guts.

40:13 Caller We, I actually caught a round of guts before I left to come over here.

40:17 Adam That's it.

40:18 Caller We played Texas Hold'em. We play it all. It's dealer choice. So you get to play whatever you want.

40:22 Adam Little night baseball or black anaconda can be fun.

40:27 Best Of You got to pay the pot if you want the threes.

40:30 Adam Yeah. Now, who do you have? You got a big celebrity game. You got you, Jeff. You got Shannon Elizabeth. You got Colby.

40:38 Best Of Yeah. And a couple other actors are in here usually. But tonight it's just Miss Elizabeth who's dying to get on the phone and talk about Donaldson.

40:47 Caller She's the token female. I mean, she's the only estrogen we allow in the house, but it's because she's so damn good at cars.

40:53 Adam She needs to come on this show. Put her on the phone. All right.

40:56 Best Of Hold on. Here she is.

40:57 Adam Thank you. This is great.

40:59 Hey.

41:00 Adam Hey, Shannon.

41:01 Hey.

41:02 Adam Shannon Elizabeth, everybody.

41:04 How are you doing?

41:05 Adam What's happening, baby doll?

41:06 Can I just say Jeff doesn't like Texas Hold'em because he always loses at it. He's not good at it.

41:11 Adam Well, I mean, that's kind of how it is with with cards. Whatever one you happen to win at it becomes coincidentally your favorite game.

41:18 Caller For the record, Shannon comes into the game tonight with both guns blazing, starts betting rounds of cards and we're all looking at each other going, who hit the lottery? What is she doing?

41:27 And she's like, well, I'm so excited. I wish you were here. So I was taking your money, Colby.

41:31 Caller Are you winning?

41:32 I'm winning. Everyone is down. That hand that Jeff just won, I dropped out of early, so I didn't lose anything.

41:38 Caller Oh, so now you're playing charity.

41:40 Adam Charity?

41:40 Caller What is this all about?

41:41 What do you mean?

41:42 Adam And what do you guys?

41:43 I didn't have anything. I dropped out of it.

41:45 Adam You dropped out. You got it. There's that Kenny Rogers song that explains the game in great detail. That's right.

41:52 That's right.

41:53 Adam So Shannon, when are you coming on this show?

41:56 You know, I don't have anything going on right now. I don't know.

41:59 Adam Well, don't you got a movie out?

42:01 Yeah, but I'm done with promotion for that.

42:03 Adam Oh, all right. Well, you know, you can come on just to hang out.

42:08 It's not always my call, but I would love to.

42:11 Adam All right. I'm tell you, we're going to hold you to that, even though I'm not sure what it was.

42:17 And can I just say, can I give you guys a little something on Colby?

42:21 Adam Yes, please.

42:22 Caller Shannon, wait, hold on. We're live here, so don't convict me.

42:27 No, no, no. He is our Martha Stewart.

42:32 Adam Oh, really?

42:32 He cooks for us every week, brings over the best chili, and he did not make it tonight because of you guys, and we're very bitter, and we're hungry. We expect him to come back here with pizza afterwards.

42:44 Adam He brought a seven-layer dip into the studio that's delightful.

42:48 Have you guys tasted his water, by the way?

42:51 Adam His what?

42:52 Drew His water?

42:53 Adam Oh, his water. Oh, his alleged water is Big Gulp, which is nothing but Kamchatka and Gatorade. Yes, I'm sure there's booze in there.

43:02 Caller Thanks, Shannon.

43:03 Adam This kid's got a problem, Drew.

43:05 Caller Hey, I just want to make sure you guys are still going to be on the table when we wrap up here, because I'm coming back to take your money.

43:10 Oh, we're so... Well, at least I'm here. Everybody else might be broke, but I'm here. This might be the first night I walk away with some cash, though.

43:19 Caller Yeah, that's the truth, Adam. She has really lost her butt.

43:22 Adam I bet you... Here's the thing. Here's my prediction. Once that Pot Brownie kicks in, Probz is going to be out of there, because it's really... This is really a problem. This is the same problem. Well, Kimmel's had this problem a time or two, which is you play cards, you get really banked, and then you forget how to count, you're not sure what to do. You start laughing when you're supposed to have your poker face on. It's a horrible combination of drugs and activity.

43:49 Caller Well, it's not horrible if everyone's doing it.

43:50 Adam Well, that's true. Okay. But here's the thing.

43:52 Caller That's great for those of us that don't participate, though.

43:55 Adam That's right. That's right, like me. That's right. All right, Shannon. Well, God bless you.

44:03 Caller Shannon, do you have any problems that you would like Dr. Drew or Adam to help you out with? Come on. We got you on the phone.

44:13 Caller Well, what do I do when I'm in a poker game and there are guys that I like, but they have alleged girlfriends? And how do you deal with that?

44:24 Adam It's got to be tough, because there's some pretty hunky dudes at that table.

44:28 Caller You know, I mean...

44:29 Adam Probe's got that buckskin choker on...

44:33 Caller .more than with any of the girls. It's such a weird thing.

44:36 Adam Yeah, it's got to be torture. It's all I can do to keep my hands off Colby myself, sitting here in the studio.

44:44 Caller I know, I know, it's tough.

44:47 Adam I feel sorry for Shannon, but some kindly gent will show pity on you and show you a night. I'm sure, I'm sure, any day now.

44:57 Caller Well, if you guys ever want to come play poker with us, you know, we're here.

45:01 Caller Yeah, we do. We need to get Adam there one night.

45:03 Adam Well, Colby and I are going to do that thing at the end of the show, where we exchange phone numbers and never call each other. But it's great, yeah.

45:11 Caller Yeah, change like the email addresses and send to a pager.

45:21 Adam So, Shannon, we're going to, well, let's put it this way. The next time you have something to plug, which I guess will be relatively soon, you will come on our show and plug it, yes?

45:33 Caller I will do my best, absolutely.

45:35 Adam Thank you.

45:36 Caller You're welcome.

45:37 Adam Thank you for that half-committed answer. Give our love to Jeff as well. Everybody, Shannon Elizabeth and Jeff Proth playing cards with the big boys. We'll take ourselves a little break. Colby here from Survivor. We'll be right back.

45:51 Caller Here it is.

45:52 Caller Bottom line, it sucks being single today.

45:55 Caller Tons of lame people and no decent prospects.

45:57 Caller Call the Dateline. 1-877-889-DATE. So get your problems ready.

46:31 Good day, everybody, it's Adam.

46:32 Adam That's my on and off again lover, Dr. Drew. And this is the Best of Loveline. Next up, a star that is so big, Drew had to ask who he was during the break when we were looking at the paper for Best of. But if you ever saw Dave Attell. Dave Attell, well, had to be good, or it wouldn't make Best of. Dave Attell's from Insomniac. Dave Attell's also one of the best stand-up comics to ever walk the planet.

46:55 Drew Oh, I remember you, he's the only comedian that's come in here that you gave that particularly to.

46:59 Adam Boy, is this guy good.

47:02 Drew You should go watch this guy.

47:03 Adam They suck, they suck. He's great on Insomniac, on Comedy Central. He's also great on stage. And now, he's great on this show. Hey everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Dave Attell in tonight from Comedy Central's Insomniac. And one of the hottest stand-up comedians working today. I don't know if you want to call him hot, but funniest. I do the job. He does the job, he gets the job done. And how you can put together an hour worth of material is beyond-

47:40 Caller Mind-boggling, yeah.

47:41 Adam Just remember it. I mean, how does that work? How much does the set vary from night to night?

47:50 Caller Well, I like to keep it loose, but it seems that I just fall, whatever it was, last fall or whatever, I was on tour with Lewis Black, and he's a great comic. You might know him from The Daily Show, and he is very political and emotional and everything. And he had a really great act. I think he's doing HBO Hour, should be out sometime next couple of months. So you can really see what an hour looks like of standup. And for me, I'm more of a joke teller, one joke at a time, and that's how you build an hour. You just get jokes, and if they have to do it the same thing, and then you try and connect them into a bit or a hunk or a chunk, whatever you call it. And before you know it, you got an hour of stuff.

48:33 Adam How many jokes do you think you tell? Do you have any idea?

48:36 Caller How many are good?

48:37 Adam Well, no, I know that answer. But in an hour, do you tell 33 jokes? How many, and I know you don't quantify it that way, but do you have a ballpark estimate?

48:51 Caller I don't know. I guess it would be coming up on 100, because my stuff is pretty short. I try and get to it quickly. That's kind of a New York thing, where you get to the punch line, because people are usually screaming, you suck, and you get off. So you try and get to the funny as quick as you can. Out here, people are a little bit more laid back. You have more time. But I'd say around 100, around 100 jokes, give or take, major thing here and there.

49:14 Adam Drew, you're in your life. What are you up to?

49:20 Drew I remember that joke tally. I think we were up in the 20s, yeah.

49:22 Adam Yeah, Drew, so it's been a lifetime.

49:24 Drew They weren't all funny, though.

49:26 Caller They were ironic.

49:28 Adam Yeah, but you're a doctor, so it's funny.

49:30 Drew Sorry, you lowered the bar for me.

49:32 Adam Yeah, it's like when these retired ball players go up into the booth and they're the funniest guy. They should have stand up for the Special Olympics.

49:43 Caller Yeah, that'd be great.

49:44 Adam Yeah, it'd be like a What's-Your-Name's friend on Facts of Life. Yeah, Blair's friend. She had that retarded friend that told jokes. You don't see much of that anymore, but it's always funny.

49:58 Caller Well, occasionally you'll catch a comic with like a palsied hand or just some kind of weird oddity where you see that humor has been how they've handled it and how the rest of us awkwardly have to kind of deal with it, but it tracks all types.

50:13 Adam Yeah, well, it takes all kinds. Yeah, there's no doubt about that.

50:17 Drew A lot of lazy, odd guys.

50:20 Adam Julio, back to the saga known as Julio.

50:23 Drew So you've been dating, you've been sleeping daily with your brother's wife, pregnant multiple times, yet she's had a spontaneous abortion or miscarriage.

50:31 Adam Asbestic uterus. He'd never met her.

50:33 Drew Incompetent cervix, they call it. And you're continuing to carry on this way with this nutball.

50:47 Adam You'd leave her? Well, it's hard to leave people that are married. If you think about it.

50:52 Well, I'm in love with her. But-

50:57 Drew Why don't you sacrifice that for the sort of wellbeing of your entire family? Stop doing this.

51:03 Adam It does kind of make you wonder what kind of gal she might be and secondly, what kind of mother she may be to her child.

51:10 Drew How old's the nephew?

51:15 Caller Do you hate your brother? I mean, to do that to your brother?

51:18 You know what?

51:19 Caller Did he not let you play with stuff or something and now you need to be with everything he has?

51:24 No, it wasn't like that. I just got the years on by. I mean, I used to like going off the wall and I don't know how many years he got with her and I mean, I hated him for that.

51:34 Caller Oh, you was with her before they got married or?

51:37 No, no, I wasn't. I wanted to. I was really small and I wanted her, but I never got her and I hated him for getting her.

51:45 Adam I see. Dave, by the way, Dave's like almost every guy I talk to behind the counter.

51:50 Caller Julio, you mean?

51:51 Adam I mean, Julio, sorry, Dave. But there's a bit of Dave in him. Yeah. Well, the attitude is Dave, but the vocabulary is more Julio, like I never know what they're talking about. So what's the answer? Stop it. Could you please stop it?

52:03 Drew Absolutely, Julio, stop it.

52:04 Adam And this is gonna blow up. And I'm just from, I may be jumping to conclusions, but Julio seems like he comes from the kind of family that if the brother found out, he would stab him with a sprinkler key moments after he found out. Gunplay on the line.

52:20 Drew And Julio only starts to make sense to me if he's got sort of a psychotic process about him, like if he hears voices and things, you know what I mean? It just doesn't, he's not really connected.

52:28 Adam I think the most dangerous voice Julio could hear would be his own at this point. If he heard someone else's, it would probably be a help. Julio?

52:35 Caller Yeah.

52:36 Adam Okay, so we're asking you to stop because this thing's gonna blow up.

52:41 Caller Yeah, it is, I know it is.

52:42 Adam You will get popped.

52:44 Drew Do you have any other, any medical problems Julio?

52:47 Caller No, I don't.

52:47 Drew You ever been in a hospital for any reason?

52:50 Caller No, I just broke my knee but that was it.

52:52 Drew Yeah, no mental hospital stuff.

52:56 Adam It doesn't mean he didn't need it.

52:57 Caller What would you think if you were in your brother's place and you just found out your brother was banging your wife for how long? Two years.

53:05 Caller Yeah, going on two years.

53:07 Caller What would you think if he came to you and said that and?

53:14 Caller Did he do something?

53:15 Caller You'd be more than pissed off. You'd hate him, you'd feel.

53:17 Adam And if he does find out.

53:18 Drew Putting something together. Did he do something to you when you were growing up?

53:23 Adam Sexually, is that what you're saying, Drew? No. I'll listen, Kresgen, who cares?

53:30 Drew Because of what kind of guy would marry that kind of woman? And what kind of situation would create Julio's hatred for his brother?

53:36 Adam I'm just, I'm gonna send her incompetent uterus a windbreaker, because I really, that's the hero of the whole story. If there's any light at the end of the Julio tunnel, it's her incompetent uterus. Yes, Drew?

53:52 Drew Absolutely.

53:52 Adam Because otherwise, they'd have 30 kids, and no one would know it. And by the way, well, let's see, DNA. No, they'd have to be twins for the DNA to match. I think they could do a DNA test. But the kid would all look like the brother, obviously, who comes from the same place Julio does. All right, let's just stop it. And if she does, if he does ever find out, don't say two years, say 18 months. Softens the blow just a little bit. Eric?

54:18 Caller Yeah, sorry about that, wasting your time, guys. Oh, that's my question.

54:23 Adam Go ahead.

54:23 Caller I have a girlfriend, and she's a little loose for my taste, and we haven't done nothing, and she says she hasn't done nothing, or she doesn't masturbate. And she goes, oh, it's my gynecologist. He does like these tests for one of them where he has a little plastic thing, and he puts it in there and opens it up and takes wipes or something like that.

54:39 Drew Yeah, it's called a pelvic exam, Eric. That's what every woman gets.

54:42 Adam Eric wasn't born yesterday. Come on.

54:45 Caller Yeah. So that would happen for young girls.

54:50 Drew Every woman gets that every year.

54:53 Adam What are you getting at, Eric?

54:54 Caller No, but like, I don't know, can a gynecologist make some girl that loose? Like my hands are pretty big, and I can almost fit my whole fist in there.

55:02 Adam No way. Shut up. Bogus. All right, listen, put your fist in your mouth, would ya? But, and don't do it slowly. Have it get a running start at your mouth before it goes in, all right? Yes. Well, open your mouth wide enough, you'll be fine.

55:21 Caller So.

55:21 Adam All right, listen, he's a jackass.

55:23 Caller Well, I don't get it. So he's upset that she-

55:25 Adam He's bogus, bogus. That's a bogus call. But we do have plenty of stupid guys who think that the woman is cheating or not a virgin because she's not tight enough down there.

55:36 Caller Oh, for his taste.

55:37 Drew For his taste, exactly. Right, which is ridiculous. Right, right.

55:41 Caller That wouldn't be Michael Jackson's taste, right? Not that tight.

55:44 Adam No, different type.

55:45 Drew Different area.

55:46 Adam Mandy? Mandy, you're 18. What's up?

55:54 Caller Okay, I was going out with this guy for like a year and we got into the rough sex thing and we got into asphyxiation, where he choked me. Now we broke up. Now I'm with this new guy and I can't orgasm unless I'm choked.

56:15 Adam And you don't want to tell him to do it?

56:18 Caller Well, I've talked to him about it, but he doesn't feel comfortable doing it because he feels that he can hurt me.

56:24 Drew You don't believe that he can?

56:26 Caller Well, I mean, I know that he can, but I know my limits also.

56:32 Drew What are your limits?

56:34 Caller My limits?

56:35 Drew Yeah, how do you know what your limits are when you're unconscious? Well, she has a-

56:38 Caller I'm not unconscious. It's just almost to that point and then it's-

56:42 Adam Yeah, they have a safe word. It's, I'm choking to death, that's the safe word.

56:48 Drew You understand, part of the problem is that the blood supply to the brain gets cut off when you hold the carotids down and you can go out and be dead in seconds.

56:56 Adam You're a real doctor, just a love doctor.

56:59 Drew Right, Mandy?

57:00 Caller Yeah.

57:01 Drew That's how people die. People die of this, I've seen many patients die of this.

57:05 Adam Yes.

57:06 Drew Many, many.

57:07 Caller Okay, so how do I get out of not doing it anymore then?

57:11 Drew Just focus on other means of being close and having an organ. Were you abused or something? Is that in your past?

57:17 Caller No.

57:18 Drew Nothing, you have no, no one hit you? You just stumbled.

57:22 Caller I mean, I was spanked as a child, but I mean, not abused.

57:26 Drew Did they hit you with an object?

57:27 Caller No.

57:29 Drew And did they do this often?

57:31 Caller Only when I was bad.

57:33 Drew Did they do this often?

57:37 Caller No, I wasn't a bad kid.

57:39 Caller I went to private school and they spanked us.

57:42 Drew Aha.

57:43 Caller They spanked us with, you know, those paddles.

57:48 Adam She's 18.

57:50 I mean, this is, She's 78.

57:52 Drew I expect she'd be like 78 or something.

57:54 Adam She went to private school in 2001, you know?

57:58 Caller No, it was more like kindergarten through like third grade.

58:02 Drew That's incredible.

58:03 Adam Still, that was like 1996.

58:05 Drew That's against the law.

58:07 Caller No, it's not because the parents signed a waiver.

58:10 Drew It's against the law, Mandy. Waiver or not, you can't do that. In fact, I was thinking the other day, you know how-

58:14 Adam My dad used to ask for that waiver and then say, no, we don't have one.

58:18 Drew How kids, you know, physical abuse has such a profound effect on kids' development and how parents go, well, I do that with my kids. It's disciplinal, it's kind of crap. Then I think to myself, really? Would you walk down the street and you smack a kid who just a little out of line? You smack somebody else's kid or some kid who's standing in line? You smack them? That's okay? No, only your own kids. Let's read, it's so bizarre, it's so ridiculous. So, Manny, yes, that's where some of this need for the high arousal comes from.

58:44 Adam But here's the thing, and tell me what you think of this. I feel like she's 18. The last guy she was with was the Boston Strangler. And if she keeps going down this road, pretty soon she's gonna be hanging in a clown outfit. She needs to, now you've come to a crossroads. You were the steady guy who doesn't want to choke the life out of you while he's banging the bejesus out of you. How about you just go down his path and not get choked?

59:15 Caller But I don't get anything out of it.

59:19 Adam You get nothing?

59:20 Caller It's a point right now where I don't even want to have sex with them because I don't get anything out of it.

59:24 Adam What about oral sex?

59:26 Caller I don't get off on oral sex.

59:30 Caller How about anal?

59:31 Caller I've never tried that.

59:33 Caller So you'll be choked to death, but you won't take the trip up the Hershey's. Well, there we go, Mr. Rough Sex Play. Oh, really? Okay, but you're allowed to be strangled. Now, come on already.

59:43 Adam That's a tall order is a 69 strangling. You ever do that, Drew? I have to use my feet to strangle the woman.

59:50 Caller That's like a James Bond.

59:51 Adam 69 strangling.

59:53 Drew Well, now you take a noose and you...

59:56 Adam Oh, I do that.

59:58 Caller Yeah.

59:59 Adam All right, Mandy, there's something screwed up about you, baby doll.

1:00:03 Drew Really? It's very, very serious.

1:00:05 Adam And here's what we're asking. We're asking all of you to do this. Instead of being screwed up and saying, hey, but that's my thing, how about saying, hey, you're screwed up.

1:00:16 Drew Better do something about it.

1:00:17 Adam Maybe there's an opportunity to stop this. I mean, like anything, like if you're doing heroin, it's not, hey, that's my thing. No, you're a junkie and you should probably quit.

1:00:25 Drew That's right.

1:00:26 Adam If you wanna F five-year-old boys, it's not, hey, that's my thing. It's now you better stop.

1:00:31 Drew And the same is true with this before you expire, which could happen easily.

1:00:35 Adam Right.

1:00:36 Drew You need to, any fetish for that matter really is just primarily to create profound levels of arousal because you've had those arousal systems burned out or unwired by the extreme abuse or the misfortune experiences in childhood and also to distance yourself from the other person. You notice how you see she's so angry and demeaning into the guy because God forbid, he's trying to be intimate with her.

1:00:58 Adam And then think about the poor guy, too. He kills you and then it's that scene from a movie where it's like, should I call the cops? They'll never believe me. I got a couple of priors. I got a barrier in a shallow grave, you know? Then the cops come sniffing around and they find your scarf on the nightstand and they always suspect. The next thing you know, they end up digging. Now the guy's doing hard time. And then what happens in court is your parents have to show up because they want this guy put away forever. And then the details start coming out. She told me that unless I was finger blasting her and strangling her, then the parents just start tearing up and it's like, she begged me to do it to her. She wanted me to call her a slut and flog her with my penis. Your mom is now broken down into tears. Your dad's got a shotgun in his mouth.

1:01:50 Caller And who is the only winner? Ed Harris. He gets to play your dad in the movie.

1:01:54 Adam Yeah, when they do the movie.

1:01:55 Caller So if you want to give Ed Harris work, then you just keep it going, girl.

1:01:58 Adam That's right. That's right. Bill, that's how Ed gets his work, bro. And Jeremy Piven will get work too. Not because of the type, not because. He'll be the friend. It's just he's in every other movie. So there's a 50, 50, 50 shot he's gonna be in this production too.

1:02:17 Bill? Yeah.

1:02:18 Adam You're 23?

1:02:19 Caller I got a question for David.

1:02:22 Adam Here he is.

1:02:22 Caller What's up, sir?

1:02:23 Caller Yeah, you did a bit a while ago about you rode around, I think it was with Miami Sheriff's SWAT team.

1:02:31 Caller Yes, sir.

1:02:32 Caller And you guys were shooting groundhogs.

1:02:35 Caller Nutria, that's what they call them. Oh, Nutria. They're a rat out of South America that have been brought to the States and they're in the South. And they kind of get into the, yeah, Louisiana. They get into the hole, you know, screwing stuff up.

1:02:50 Caller That was a great bit. Did you guys catch any flak for that?

1:02:53 Caller No, you know what? We did that before this whole 9-11 thing. And we got some stuff from PETA, I guess, cause we did actually shoot rats. So if that's what you're saying for flak, but I don't really care. I mean, it's something the police do.

1:03:07 Adam The Nutria.

1:03:09 Drew They pay them for it.

1:03:10 Adam Yeah, they pay them like a bucket head or something.

1:03:12 Caller Well, what they did originally was set poison, like for rats, like in New York City in the subways, they'll throw down some poison, but dogs and cats were eating it. And whatever native of animals. So they said this is the best way to take it out. And it was cool that they let us hang with them.

1:03:29 Adam And the thing about the Nutria, by the way, which is just a creepy name because it sounds like a diet shake, but I had the entire Nutria discussion with two guys last night at dinner. I guess the guy, and Dave probably knows more than I do, but he stopped me if I'm wrong, but I think the Tabasco guy brought Nutria in around, I don't know, the early 19-somethings to he was gonna harvest their fur. Right. And make coats or whatever out of them. And then a big typhoon or something blew through, hurricane blew through, knocked over all the cages and all the Nutria got loose and then just started multiplying out in the wilderness. And now you got this species that, I don't know where it's from, but I know it's not Holland. It's always from Africa or South America. Yeah, South America or Africa. By the way, is that all we need to know about those two continents, by the way? All the evil vermin come from there, the bees, everything's bad that comes out. It all gets over here. Yeah, everything's a killer over there, by the way. It's like Florida. Like everything is big and mean and venomous and stuff. Like you got a snake that comes from California. Yeah, that's fine. That's just a garden snake. You get one that comes from Africa or South America, it'll kill your family.

1:04:51 Drew It'll spit stuff at you that kills you.

1:04:53 Adam Yeah, it shoots in the eye, blinds you, then it rakes you, then it kills you.

1:04:56 Drew What is it about south of the equator that makes all that happen?

1:05:00 Caller Stuff gets big and mean.

1:05:01 Drew Yeah, but why not? It's just the same distance, just one south, one north. What difference does it make?

1:05:06 Adam I don't know. I believe God had a plan that had to do with the equator or he wouldn't have invented the equator.

1:05:13 Caller And it makes you feel like the cougar, which is a big thing. You know, like, oh, the cougar is going to be tight. At least it doesn't crawl up your urethra and, you know, get into your brain and make you go insane, you know?

1:05:23 Adam Right. Everything is just big and scary and evil. And they get over here on some cargo ship or some entrepreneur brings them over and then they breed them. And then the next, you know, we got a bunch of slack jaw guys just shooting at them. But you could spend a worse night than going out and shooting at Nutria.

1:05:40 Caller Yeah, it was fun.

1:05:41 Adam Yeah.

1:05:42 Caller I really did feel like I was doing something.

1:05:44 Adam Did they respond to the light or how do you?

1:05:46 Caller They have a guy, what they do is you get on the back of a flatbed truck and they use, I guess, 22s and it's a SWAT team. So they know how to shoot, you know? And they're using like a low powered, you know, I guess weapon. So it's not gonna go everywhere. Yeah, it's not gonna go ricocheting around. And they go around through the levies and the dikes and they do like one man mans the flashlight and the other guy's the shooter. So it's cool seeing the whole, you know, take them out kind of thing.

1:06:09 Adam And how big are they? Do they look like big rats or what do they look like?

1:06:13 Caller They're huge, yeah. They're probably like 40, 50 pounds. And they might carry leprosy.

1:06:19 Adam 40, 50 pounds?

1:06:21 Caller Yeah, they're big. They're huge. Yeah, they eat, I guess they're, what is it?

1:06:26 Adam They eat everything. Omnivores.

1:06:27 Caller Omnivores, so they eat everything. They're garbage, you know.

1:06:31 Drew 40, 50 pounds.

1:06:33 Caller Yeah, they stink.

1:06:34 Adam Wow, true. Great radio, by the way. Yay, yay, yay, no, smaller. Yay, yeah, yeah, true. Does anyone know what yay is?

1:06:41 Drew I would have just all described it to them if they'd like to hear.

1:06:44 Adam Drew is, when he says yay.

1:06:45 Drew That's like three feet across, yeah?

1:06:48 Adam Yeah, he's, that's a little less, but medium-sized dog, yes?

1:06:51 Caller Yeah.

1:06:51 Adam Yeah, okay.

1:06:52 Caller But I don't think we could do it now because of the whole terror and, you know, everything is security.

1:06:57 Adam We need the SWAT team.

1:06:58 Caller You need the SWAT team watching the airports.

1:07:00 Adam It's gotta be bad yet because you got a hostage situation in town and these guys are all drinking at the bog, shooting nutrients.

1:07:06 Drew Maybe the nutrition can solve our terrorist problems.

1:07:10 Caller There's a couple of flatbeds with the...

1:07:12 Adam You know what we need to do?

1:07:13 Drew Dump some nutrients over there.

1:07:14 Adam If it was some of these countries, is start exporting some of our crappy things over there. You know what I mean? Let them... I'm for that. Because I swear to you, I think everything that's bad that's on this soil was brought in from somewhere. And so here are the choices, Africa, Mexico, South America. It's all, anything is... Here's what we had before this, butterflies.

1:07:33 Caller Let's talk, we had hummingbirds and butterflies.

1:07:37 Adam We had kittens. They never even matured to full cats. We had kittens, hummingbirds and butterflies. And yes, bald eagles, that's all we had. And then the scorpions and the roaches and the venomous snakes and the nutria, they all came in from other countries. This is why we need that fence I've been talking about for a long time, Drew. All right. Let's take a little break. David Tell is here tonight from Insomniac Comedy Central every single night of the week. Take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:08:09 Caller We'll be right back. Loveline is brought to you in part by Harold and Kumar. Go to White Castle in theaters this Friday, July 23rd for a special advanced sneak preview.

1:08:23 Adam I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LLVE-191. Elisha Cuthbert is here tonight. She is the girl next door. She's not from the girl next door. She is the girl next door, Drew, do you understand that?

1:08:36 Drew She is that.

1:08:40 Adam The movie's not called The Little Dude Who Lives Next to That Chick. It's called The Girl Next Door.

1:08:46 Caller It's about her.

1:08:48 Adam It's about Alicia. She's the star of the movie.

1:08:51 Drew It's like the godfather.

1:08:53 Caller One of.

1:08:54 Adam Really looks, looked great in that movie, by the way. Lots of tight outfits, revealing, but not, no, no, no.

1:09:02 Caller It was great, too, cause I.

1:09:03 Adam A little bra and panty.

1:09:04 Caller I got to, with 24, I had the same outfit the whole year, which is like 10 months. And on this movie, it was 18 costume changes, so I was like, woo hoo!

1:09:12 Adam Yeah, and good looking stuff, too. Yeah, no, you look good.

1:09:18 Caller I'm sure you're enjoying that.

1:09:20 Caller Well, The Girl Next Door's gotta be hot, right?

1:09:22 Adam Yeah, yeah, and it's weird because, well, I think every teenage boy, or every man who passed through his teen years and everyone who's still amongst them, like our engineer Chris over here, who's technically 27 but still living at home, so I count him as a teenager. Still hiding porn from his mom. If you're hiding porn from your mom, you're a teenager, you'd be in your 50s, and hiding porn from your 85-year-old mother, you wouldn't be a teenager.

1:09:51 Drew That defines adolescence, anyway.

1:09:53 Adam That's why they call Dick Clark the world's oldest teenager.

1:09:56 Drew He's living at home.

1:09:57 Adam He's hiding porn from his mom.

1:09:59 Drew That van that he claims is his editing van.

1:10:04 Adam That's what he uses to transport porn.

1:10:06 Drew And watch it.

1:10:07 Adam That's right.

1:10:07 Drew Out in the mom's driveway.

1:10:08 Adam All right, so here, come on, he's never coming on this show. Here's what we do, and we don't talk about it on the air, but we decide quietly amongst ourselves who's coming on this show and who's not coming on, and once we decide they're not coming on the show, that's a fair game.

1:10:21 Drew It's game on.

1:10:22 Caller That's a good plan, though.

1:10:23 Adam Yeah, yeah, we make fun of everybody, but if we think maybe they're coming on the show, we do some ass kissing, serious ass kissing.

1:10:31 Caller Julia Roberts is the best.

1:10:33 Adam She, no, no, she won't come on this show, even though we would want her to come on this show, so we could.

1:10:39 Caller So she's fair game, then?

1:10:40 Adam She's fair game. Okay. Yeah, getting a little long in the tooth. All right, see, that was a little dig.

1:10:46 Drew Very satisfying.

1:10:47 Adam Very satisfying. All right, now what was I talking about?

1:10:51 Drew I have no idea.

1:10:52 Adam Okay, well then we gotta move forward with the show. What do you say?

1:10:55 Drew Good, oh, Chris, Chris in hiding porn from his mom. He said every teenage male has something about the girl next door.

1:11:00 Adam Oh, yeah, it's just, I mean, I was watching the movie and when Alicia, the beautiful woman, moves in next door to the horny young teenage boy thing and he spots her through his bedroom window, it just brings you back. It's like your heart starts pumping and when they start talking and it's like, it was so identifiable.

1:11:21 Drew It's that desperation that everything makes me feel.

1:11:25 Adam Yeah, but you remember when you were like 17 and just anybody-

1:11:29 Drew Praying to God for him to drop somebody out of the sky to the neighbor's house.

1:11:32 Caller Yeah.

1:11:33 Drew Yeah.

1:11:34 Adam No, it's just like once in a while when your mom's friends would say, I don't know, my nephew's in town and niece is in town and some chick who was 15 would come walk in and she'd be like, ha ha ha. Remember?

1:11:44 Caller Yes.

1:11:45 Caller Your heart starts going.

1:11:46 Drew Yeah, it's just some sort of like an animal, you know.

1:11:50 Adam Yeah.

1:11:51 Caller Animalistic.

1:11:52 Drew Yeah, but it's some sort of like frightened slash desperate animal cage, kind of a strange.

1:11:57 Adam Yeah, fight, flight or jack actually was the third option.

1:12:03 Drew Simultaneously, they sort of kick in.

1:12:05 Caller Yeah.

1:12:07 Adam All right, is that Toko? Toko?

1:12:11 Caller Yeah.

1:12:11 Adam Is that your name?

1:12:13 Caller Mm-hmm.

1:12:14 Adam What kind of name is that? Japanese. All righty then, you Japanese? Japanese? How's that treatin ya? All right, what's up? Really?

1:12:27 Drew Gay male.

1:12:28 Adam You and Dick Clarke?

1:12:31 Drew Well, gay men, not lesbian.

1:12:37 Adam Finally, a chick makin sense, you know, cause, no, here's what I'm sayin, like guys, we do the porn math, we're like, hey, lesbian porn, fine, it's two vaginas, four boobs, three or four boobs, four boobs, four boobs, right? And we do that math, whereas women who look at, who enjoy pornography, and there's not too many of them out there, normally don't like the gay porn, but it's two penises and, how many not sex?

1:13:02 Drew They're weirded out by it, they're kind of a little good.

1:13:05 Caller Yeah, that's all right.

1:13:06 Drew Toko's more evolved, huh?

1:13:09 Adam Now, I'm sure she's more effed up, but. So you have gay porn?

1:13:14 Caller Well, I have it on my computer, yeah.

1:13:18 Adam And have your parents found out about it?

1:13:21 Caller No.

1:13:22 Drew How old were you when you started looking at this?

1:13:25 Caller Last year.

1:13:27 Drew 15. What if her parents find out?

1:13:29 Adam Oh yeah, you know what they're gonna say?

1:13:32 Drew Toko Ono. Ono Toko. Yeah.

1:13:34 Adam I'm talking about Yoko Ono, Joe, sure, come on baby doll. All right, yeah, no, your parents, if they're Japanese, they'll kill themselves. Yeah, that's how it works. They're proud, they're proud culture. Anything happen to you? Were you ever abused or traumatized in any way? No, just like it.

1:13:56 Drew Well, there you go.

1:13:57 Adam Do you like gay men? I mean like hanging around gay men?

1:14:00 Caller Yeah, I think it's cool.

1:14:01 Caller I'd like to see some make out or you know, like screw each other. I think that'd be cool.

1:14:06 Drew Oh Toko, something's up.

1:14:08 Adam Yeah, something is up because gay, okay, hold on. We got to talk about this for one second. Gay depictions of gay acts, gay pornography, graphic gay pornography is sort of gut wrenching to straight men, not because we're bigoted or anything. It's just you take a straight guy, you show them two guys going at it, one behind the other and they have to avert their gaze. Just like, for me, it's like seeing dentistry up close or something. I just have to kind of, you have to put your hand up. It's not because I hate dentists. It's just kind of like, oh, wow, can't watch. And I think, at least she'll tell us though, gay pornography for women is kind of gross too. I mean, for normal women. Guys going at it. All greased up, you know, leather choker.

1:14:59 Caller I just can't relate to that.

1:15:01 Adam I don't. It's confusing.

1:15:02 Drew You're confusing. Okay, all right, so that's an average response. And Toco suddenly is sort of intrigued, aroused, and sort of, and there's an aggression how she approaches it too, you know? So it's sort of inappropriate in the sense she presented it.

1:15:17 Adam Toco?

1:15:20 Drew I would bet there's some other sort of-

1:15:22 Adam What's missing?

1:15:23 Drew No, no, some other fetishes here.

1:15:24 Adam What else are you into?

1:15:28 Drew Keep going.

1:15:32 Adam Ooh, little boys. Really? Are you, one of these people just sort of considers yourself deviant?

1:15:41 Caller No.

1:15:42 Adam You don't?

1:15:43 Drew Did something happen to you with one of your peers growing up?

1:15:46 Caller No. No.

1:15:49 Adam All right, your parents together?

1:15:51 Caller They've been divorced three times.

1:15:55 Caller But-

1:15:56 Drew The same to themselves? They've been divorced from one another three times or from three different people?

1:16:01 Caller Three different people.

1:16:03 Drew Okay, and so you're pretty tumultuous upbringing, it sounds like.

1:16:09 Adam Do you have a boyfriend? Do you like boys?

1:16:13 Caller Yeah. I'm not lesbian.

1:16:16 Adam You're not lesbian, you like guys and not just when they're cornholing?

1:16:20 Caller Yeah.

1:16:21 Adam Okay, because you have to make that distinction. But Drew-

1:16:24 Drew Yeah, only that. Yeah, only that. But there is, but Toco, you're, the trauma here, right? That's what we're getting at, that you were in this sort of chaotic family system that was fractured. And I mean, you just seem sort of spawned by all that.

1:16:37 Adam Yeah.

1:16:38 Drew You're, it's, yeah, that's encouraging either.

1:16:42 Adam What's your plan? You want to go to college? All right. Well, listen, here's the deal. You sound, you sound troubled. You really do. And you sound like somebody, quite frankly, could be into heroin or something in a few short years, or at least doing something that would, would embarrass the family. How about, how about a little therapy?

1:17:09 Caller I don't know how well I do in therapy.

1:17:12 Adam Well, don't go. Let's go to the next call. Listen, I'm not going to try to save the world. Who are we kidding? Hey, you want to call the show? You got problems? You want to listen to us? Fine. If you don't, just do whatever you want. I don't care. Joel?

1:17:24 Caller Hey, how's it going, you guys?

1:17:25 Adam I got to tell everyone this, so just one more time. I get paid whether I help people or not. I really do. As a matter of fact, I don't like helping people because it makes it seem like I should get paid more. You know what I mean?

1:17:35 Caller You're good at it, though.

1:17:36 Adam Good at not helping people?

1:17:37 Caller No, at helping.

1:17:38 Drew No, he's good at not helping. He incidentally helps. He's good at not helping.

1:17:44 Adam I like to help myself through not helping others.

1:17:47 Drew Yes, there you go.

1:17:47 Adam That's my motto.

1:17:48 Drew But look, Toko, there's more to get at in Toko than we can get to in three minutes on the radio here.

1:17:53 Adam Well, she's angry. She's angry.

1:17:55 Drew I mean, she's almost at sort of a near side. And it's not, and please, people, it's not because she enjoys gay porn that we jumped all over that. It was the affect she maintained, the flat, inappropriate, inappropriate laughter, the sort of, almost near, I got a feeling near a psychotic process.

1:18:12 Adam She seems like the kind of person. She's the kind of person that could do something bad and not think about it too much afterward. It would not haunt her.

1:18:22 Drew Possibly.

1:18:23 Adam Yeah. All right. And that includes to herself, by the way.

1:18:26 Drew She's into little boys and I think she means that.

1:18:29 Adam Really?

1:18:30 Caller All right.

1:18:31 Adam Well, the world may never know. Let's speak to Joel who's got a question for Alicia. Joel?

1:18:39 Caller Yeah.

1:18:39 Adam What's up?

1:18:40 Caller Hey, how's it going, you guys?

1:18:41 Adam Good.

1:18:42 Caller I just wanna say one thing real quick. Dr. Drew, my mom read your book and she's too afraid to call the show and tell you how good it is.

1:18:49 Drew Oh, that's very kind. Tell her thank you, please.

1:18:53 Caller And Alicia.

1:18:55 Caller Yes.

1:18:55 Caller Yeah, you're, yeah, like Adam says, smoking hot.

1:19:00 Caller Oh, thank you very much.

1:19:01 Caller Yeah, totally hot, maximum issues, pretty nice. Good job, 124. And I don't know, I might check that new movie out, but.

1:19:09 Caller Please do.

1:19:10 Caller Yeah.

1:19:10 Caller If you do anything this weekend, please check out my movie.

1:19:15 Caller Oh yeah, all right. Hey Adam.

1:19:17 Caller Thank you very much.

1:19:19 Caller Hey man, do you ever plan on having kids?

1:19:23 Adam I'm thinking about it, I'm working on it.

1:19:25 Caller Hey, well how about, you know, I'll be your lump of clay, man, I want you to mentor me.

1:19:29 Adam Oh, you mean, I don't need a kid, I have a 24 year old gentleman over here from Sacramento?

1:19:35 Drew Or Gumby, as we call him.

1:19:39 Caller No, you can mold me, you can mold me into that.

1:19:41 Adam I know, you sound like a clean canvas, doesn't sound like there's been a whole lot of education going on or anything, I mean, you sound like an etch-a-sketch, it's been shooken a few times.

1:19:49 Drew He may have passed that window of opportunity though, at 24. I know how flexible that clay is now, baby.

1:19:54 Caller I'm past all the pee-pee and poo-poo stuff, now I can just go with that, people.

1:19:58 Drew Well, Adam is just completely uninterested in that, he's passed all that.

1:20:01 Adam Yeah, that's what I'm looking for. What are you doing, Joel?

1:20:05 Caller What am I doing, like for work?

1:20:07 Adam Yeah.

1:20:09 Caller Let's see, I'm unemployed.

1:20:12 Adam And by the way, we finally found something worse than the answer, like you asked me what I'm doing, here's your answer.

1:20:19 Drew What are you doing, Val, for work?

1:20:22 Adam Right now? I know he didn't say right now.

1:20:25 Caller We found one that's worse than right now.

1:20:30 Adam I'm CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Yeah, it never works that way, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, right now is the number one bad, it's a bad answer for college and- Right now? Yeah, right now.

1:20:42 Drew For anything, for anything, really.

1:20:43 Adam Watch, watch, we'll do the right now for college, Drew. Please try to pull this off. Yeah, I'm going to college, I'm going to school.

1:20:49 Drew Where are you going to school, right?

1:20:52 Adam Well, right now, so you hear the right now, that's junior college, that means I'm transferring. That means transfer.

1:20:59 Caller It's never right now, I'm going to Brown School of Medicine.

1:21:02 Drew So you're gonna be, yeah, you're gonna be an orthopedic surgeon. So what level of training are you at right now?

1:21:13 Adam Right now, I'm in ninth grade, I just finished biology, actually failed beginning science, it's one below biology.

1:21:19 Drew So you're fluent in French, where'd you learn that?

1:21:22 Adam Right now, I do Pig Latin and I can do this, I can go honk, that's much, I can do a little Pepe Le Pew, too, that's it. All right, Drew, you realize you almost said right now each time you try to set the right now.

1:21:38 Drew It's as retarded as it can get, isn't it?

1:21:40 Adam I've seen to be more retarded than you are now.

1:21:42 Drew That was pretty good.

1:21:42 Adam That was close, though. All right, now we're gonna play a little something called Germany or Florida. This is a game that is sweeping the nation and I'm sure if it hasn't made it up north into Canada, it'll be in their base.

1:21:57 Drew I'll let them know.

1:21:58 Adam Moments, yeah. You'll be our Germany or Florida ambassador. Now here's how the game goes. All bizarre stories emanate from either Germany or Florida, all the strange, occult, macabre stories, crime stories usually. It's either Germany or Florida. So they tell us a story and we guess either Germany or Florida. Mike?

1:22:18 Caller Yes.

1:22:19 Adam You're 22. Here's our theme song.

1:22:20 Caller What's fun in Nazis?

1:22:21 Caller Sex, meth and death fetishes. Both of them have got these. Guaranteed not to bore ya, Germany or Florida.

1:22:28 Adam Yes, the song, the game is almost as good as the song.

1:22:32 Drew Mike, Germany or Florida?

1:22:34 Caller Germany or Florida. A woman was convicted of disturbing the peace for phoning a bomb threat to an airport to get out of a vacation with her boyfriend. She said, I had the idea that if the trip could be blocked by someone else, for example, a bomb threat, then it would solve all these problems.

1:22:53 Caller Germany or Florida.

1:22:55 Caller Oh, and Alicia, I Love You, the 24 is a wonderful show.

1:22:59 Caller Oh, thank you very much.

1:23:01 Drew Let's pull together whatever clues we've got here.

1:23:03 Caller Vacation, Florida is very vacation-y.

1:23:06 Drew Yeah, but people who live in Florida don't wanna go to there. But you would go from Florida for a vacation, yeah.

1:23:11 Caller I did.

1:23:11 Drew You left Florida? Oh, no.

1:23:16 Adam You vacationed from Florida, in Florida, it's like masturbation.

1:23:20 Drew On the other hand, I wonder if they could be calling in the bomb threat at the destination. No, that doesn't make sense.

1:23:26 Adam I was thinking German.

1:23:27 Drew I was too, I was thinking German.

1:23:28 Adam Now you don't have to agree, go with your gut.

1:23:30 Caller Well, I'm gonna go with Florida, just because I already said it.

1:23:32 Adam And look at you, you're dressed like Florida. The orange shirt, the blonde hair. It's coral. That's gay for orange. All right, Mike, we're going Germany and our young gal pal is going Florida.

1:23:46 Caller Alicia, I am so sorry. I wish you'd guess the right one. It's Germany.

1:23:50 Caller Oh, it's okay.

1:23:51 Adam We've had one more experience.

1:23:52 Caller She'll be good.

1:23:53 Caller I didn't really get the game.

1:23:57 Caller I'm from Canada, I don't.

1:23:58 Adam We're gonna have to ask you to leave.

1:24:00 Caller I better go now.

1:24:02 Adam I'll tell you what, one more break. One more break, baby doll. All right, Elisha Cuthbert is here tonight from my new best actress friend. Yeah.

1:24:11 Caller Until the next show.

1:24:14 Adam Right now. Until the one o'clock out.

1:24:17 Caller Okay.

1:24:17 Adam We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. Guess how many terrific sense acts, deodorant, body spray comes in?

1:24:32 Caller No more. Nine.

1:24:37 Adam Anyway, sevens are not right.

1:24:38 Caller Seven's great. Yeah.

1:24:41 Adam Hello there, Loveline fans. This is Adam Carolla.

1:24:44 Drew This is Dr. Drew.

1:24:45 Caller Stick around for more right here on 100.5, The Zone. Now. No. It's more Loveline on 100.5, The Zone.

1:24:59 Adam Hey, yo, Loveline, I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew Best, the Loveline. Coming up, a guy, speaking of best, probably one of the best guitar players we've ever had in here, and one of the nicest guys.

1:25:10 Drew Yeah, a friend of the show, truly.

1:25:11 Adam Yeah, him and Carmen doing well. Told us he got a couple of enemas.

1:25:18 Caller Yeah.

1:25:18 Drew And then I saw that on Subsequent Amendment TV.

1:25:20 Adam You did?

1:25:21 Caller Yeah. Yeah.

1:25:22 Drew Yeah, really? Whatever.

1:25:25 Adam Dave Navarro, everyone. Hey, buddy, it's Loveline. Dave Navarro. And I'm Dave Navarro. Yeah, Dave Navarro, joining us in the studio tonight.

1:25:37 Best Of Dave Navarro.

1:25:38 We're back.

1:25:39 Adam Welcome back.

1:25:40 Thank you.

1:25:41 Best Of You can help me welcome back Dave Navarro.

1:25:44 I like that. After this, you can do a voicemail for me. An outgoing message.

1:25:48 Adam An outgoing message?

1:25:50 Drew Just a second. Do we have to check some weather?

1:25:51 Caller First, we've got to check the weather.

1:25:53 Caller We're going to sound all those balls.

1:25:55 Adam 63 degrees, it also got to 63, coming in to Carson City. John Van Eyde, checking in at 63.

1:26:01 Caller Laguna de Gal, 63 degrees.

1:26:03 Adam A big 63 degrees in Carson. Kanoga Park, coming in at 63 degrees. Studio City, 63. I like when they mix it up, checking in, coming in at, checking in at, like the goddamn city of Kanoga Park, all checked in at 63 degrees. Don't these guys feel like tremendous A-holes when it moves a degree? They're coming in at half and they cover several million square acres. You know, and they go like, Orange County checking in at 59 degrees. Van Nuys coming in at 60. It's 59 in Simi Valley. You've just covered 250 square miles and you've gone up a half a degree. We got to get all over? Now you're going for a fourth. Here we go. Santa Clarita coming in at 59.

1:26:48 Drew They'll go from Santa Barbara to Oceanside.

1:26:50 Adam Oceanside coming in at 59 and a quarter. Why don't you start breaking up into fractions? I can give you more to do. Slow and go on the 110. Look out for brake lights. All right. Well, now that everyone's got a whole sload of information they don't need, I can work on killing another hour and getting a paycheck. It's seven fifty nine, that is one minute away from the top of the hour, eight o'clock straight up. I like that. I love that. When they start getting in that, when you start getting in a math, that means you've got nothing to say. Like when you, like when you, it's, them saying it's seven forty five, that's fifteen minutes away from the top of the hour, it's really the equivalent, it's equivalent of you going out on a date and going, I'm going to have the linguine and clams. What I'm not going to have is, I'm not going to get the chili size, I'm not going to get the antipastas. Like, do you got to go to the whole goddamn menu and say what you're not getting?

1:27:55 Caller Just say what it is.

1:27:57 Caller It's seven forty five.

1:28:06 Adam You're driving your car seven forty five, seven forty five, is it military time? Where could I be right now? Jesus Christ, what's wrong with radio, Dave?

1:28:16 I'm learning as we go, right here.

1:28:18 Adam That's right. And I'll tell you what, you're doing a good job. Thanks. You've kissed the right ass, my friend.

1:28:24 I had nowhere to go.

1:28:25 Adam I kissed an ass and stood in and I put your cheeks together. We're going to hear something off Jane's Addiction. Where'd you think of that name? It's a kooky name. I love that name. That's a great name. Anyway, hoping to get Jane in from the band, possibly next week.

1:28:41 Caller She's a delight.

1:28:43 Adam We're going to hear something off the CD. CD's called Stray. It's got a picture of the guys up front. Don't see Jane.

1:28:49 Drew Now we've got to go talk about that.

1:28:50 You look at that picture carefully. You would think that that's an acoustic album where we... I don't know what happened there.

1:28:57 Adam Oh, but contrary. Right.

1:28:58 It looks like a Dave Matthews album cover.

1:29:00 Adam Yeah, it does.

1:29:01 Caller Hey, kids, I hate to interrupt. Why?

1:29:03 Drew How long is the song?

1:29:04 Adam Oh, Drew was talking too much. We can't hear the song.

1:29:06 Caller You know what?

1:29:07 We can pass on the song. Let's go to the phones.

1:29:09 Caller No, we'll go to...

1:29:10 Adam When we go to...

1:29:11 Caller We'll take a call.

1:29:12 Adam We'll go to break. Then we come back. We catch up with Dave Navarro. Jane's addiction. We hear the song.

1:29:18 Jane coming down, Jethro and Pink. That's right.

1:29:22 Adam Molly from Molly Hatch. It's coming by on Tuesday.

1:29:26 Drew Scott, 25.

1:29:27 Caller A lot of guys tonight. I'm noticing.

1:29:29 Drew Yeah.

1:29:30 Caller All right.

1:29:31 Adam We can fix that, Dave. Let's talk to Linda. Linda, line five. Linda is 17. That's 23 years old.

1:29:41 Caller 23 away from 40.

1:29:43 Adam That's three away from 20. What's up, Baby Doll?

1:29:48 Caller I'm kind of, like, emotionally detached from everything. And I don't really know why.

1:29:54 Caller Because you're 17.

1:29:56 Drew Something new happening, or you've always been that way?

1:29:59 Caller No. Well, it's been going on for probably, like, a year.

1:30:02 Drew What do you mean by detached?

1:30:04 Caller Like, I have, um, like, there's people I know at school, and when we go out, it's like I don't really want to be there.

1:30:14 Caller Well, you don't want to be anywhere else, either. I know that feeling.

1:30:18 Adam Well, is that just depression?

1:30:20 Drew Yeah.

1:30:21 Caller I was just about to go with the old SSRI discussion of depression.

1:30:26 Adam So how about it, Linda? Maybe you're a little bit depressed.

1:30:30 Caller Well, I'm not really sure, because sometimes I get a little depressed. Like, I just withdraw from everything, and I don't want to do anything.

1:30:38 Drew That's getting severely depressed, but just the lack of enjoyment and previously enjoyable activities is a sign of depression.

1:30:44 Caller Yeah, depression isn't necessarily like being legitimately bummed out all the time. It can be very, it just can show itself in disinterest and, you know, irritability. You're given the choice, we can go to the dentist, or we could go to Disneyland, and you don't care which one you go to. That's depression. Yeah. And you might want to see a psychiatrist about that.

1:31:04 Drew Yeah, it'd be good to look at it like that, where they went. Then maybe tell somebody at school to counsel a teacher or something.

1:31:14 Adam You might be able to tell your parents, you feel tired and you don't feel like you're enjoying things.

1:31:18 Drew You can just go see a doctor, say, listen, I don't feel good all the time. And they'll take you to any family practitioner or internist who should be able to ferret this out as depression. So, yeah.

1:31:26 Caller Tell them that you're depressed and you want to see a psychiatrist. And the other option is that you could take up the drums and they will drive you right over to the office. I promise.

1:31:36 Adam We'll take a break, Dave Navarro in The Hizzy tonight. Him and James Electra got a marriage show out there.

1:31:48 Caller Got a lot going on.

1:31:51 Adam We're going to take a quick break. We're going to hear a slice off his new pizza that he dropped this day just the other day. We're going to cut some vinyl, cut some wax all after this.

1:32:02 Caller All right, guys.

1:32:03 Caller Bottom line.

1:32:03 Caller Here's the deal. If you're looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person, one call is all you need to make. Call the Dateline.

1:32:10 Caller 877-889-DATE.

1:32:16 Caller Loveline with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

1:32:18 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:32:21 Caller We'll be right back. This hour brought you in part by Axe.

1:32:39 Adam Well, there you go, the best of Loveline.

1:32:41 Drew We have really had some amazing guests. I forgot. I didn't realize.

1:32:44 Adam What a ride. What a ride it's been, Drew.

1:32:47 Drew More coming.

1:32:48 Adam I'll tell you that. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo.

1:32:57 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Annie Gold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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Thursday, July 22, 2004