Episode 1000626579596

7:09 Voiceover Phone number, 1-800-LOVE-191. Dr. Drew, board certified physician, addiction medicine specialist. Patton Oswalt and Brian Posehn here tonight.

7:18 Guest Two, thank you.

7:21 Adam Two funny, funny, hip, attractive comedians currently work in the LA scene. How's it going, gentlemen?

7:31 Guest Good.

7:31 Adam Great to have you.

7:33 Guest Super fun.

7:34 Adam Great, it's fantastic. These guys are funny.

7:36 Guest We're attractive.

7:37 Adam They're funny, funny guys.

7:39 Guest Very attractive.

7:40 Drew I'll laugh about it.

7:41 Adam I'll tell you, there's not much that's good about the radio, but one is just calling everyone attractive.

7:46 Guest Theater of the mind.

7:46 Adam They can never really call you on it. Yeah, you've seen these guys on TV and-

7:51 Guest So you know Adam's line.

7:52 Adam Well, no, I'll tell you why. Because I'm sitting here in person. I'm looking across the console, a couple of good looking, funny guys that are currently on the LA scene.

8:04 Guest On the LA scene? In the Sunset Strip with a-

8:08 Adam They're making the LA scene, doing their own brand of attractive comedy. They're good looking comedians and are currently on the LA scene.

8:17 Guest What's happening?

8:19 Adam Great to see you guys. Welcome back to the program.

8:22 Guest Thank you.

8:22 Adam Drew, you know these guys are funny and good looking, right?

8:25 Drew They're funny, funny and very attractive.

8:27 Adam And they're dear, dear friends of the show.

8:31 Guest Is this 1943? Are we gonna sell War Bonds later?

8:35 Adam Hey, give me another Chesterfield cigarette. What you drew?

8:38 Drew I'd rather fight than switch.

8:41 Adam You can find both of them doing some voiceover work on our beloved Crank Yankers, as well as Patton on King of Queens. And Patton also has a new comedy CD out where it's called Making the LA Scene.

8:56 Guest It's Making the LA Scene.

8:58 Adam Doing my own brand of attractive comedy.

9:00 Guest 23 Skadoo.

9:02 Adam It is out as we speak. And if we find something that's funny and clean, and they're not often the same thing.

9:11 Guest I think there's one track.

9:12 Adam We will hear about six seconds. Before you go, thanks, good night.

9:16 Guest Yeah, exactly. You go, how you folks doing? And then you've immediately gotta cut it off.

9:21 Adam All right, so we'll get the help you.

9:22 Guest As I say the C word 17 times.

9:26 Adam So, and we're, by the way, it says Patton here is gonna be performing at the John Kerry benefit.

9:33 Guest And so is Brian.

9:34 Adam You're gonna be there too.

9:35 Drew In Washington or where is it? Out here?

9:37 Guest Here at the Knitting Factory next Wednesday the 7th.

9:41 Adam The one on Hollywood there?

9:43 Guest Hollywood Boulevard.

9:44 Adam Fantastic.

9:45 Guest Yeah.

9:46 Adam You know, I was seeing that they did one, I think maybe while you're out of town at the Disney Center over there, the new one. It was like Neil Diamond and Babs was there and a lot of heavy hitters. And then, then Issey Morales. You know what I mean? It's like Tom Cruise. Who the hell, like, yeah, Barbra Streisand, Issey Morales. And I realize he's quickly becoming the Byron Allen of the Latino community. You know what Byron Allen is to the blacks? I think Issey may be the next.

10:21 Guest He's the Latino that whites can agree on.

10:23 Adam That's right, right. And, you know, I have this theory about Byron Allen that I could do it, I could spend it. And you guys, this is really, you know, he's actually comedians in the LAC.

10:35 Guest He's five white men, actually, made out of five white men.

10:38 Guest He's attractive.

10:40 Guest And he actually is a good looking man.

10:43 Adam Yeah, he does the interviews with like Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. And I don't think any of them know who he is, but he comes up and gives them the big handshake with the half a hug. And they're like, ah, and they're like, great to see you again, Tom. And he's like, great to be back. And then they just start the interview. I don't know how it works. I don't know if you've ever seen that show, but I don't know anyone who likes Byron Allen. I just see celebrities that are scared that they don't remember him. And that's why they do it.

11:11 Drew That's a good strategy, really. I'd fall for that every time.

11:15 We gotta get him as a booker on the show.

11:16 Guest Maybe use a human chain letter. Like if you break, if you don't do an interview with him, then you have seven years' bad luck.

11:22 Adam Yeah, we talked to Byron, we talked to the black guy's name we can't remember before we did the Samurai movie. It worked out okay. We were talking about the next one. Yeah, smart. All right, we'll take some phone calls, we'll hear some stuff and who's gonna be at this carry rally, by the way?

11:43 Guest Gordon Lightfoot will be performing. Great. Brian's gonna do his bubble magic.

11:48 Guest The lady who played Pinky Tuscadero is gonna be there.

11:53 Adam That lady.

11:55 Guest And Leather Tuscadero's voice double.

11:58 Adam Oh, really?

11:58 Guest The girl who did her voicing on the show. Yeah, it's very exciting.

12:02 Adam I'll tell you, Pinky and Leather Tuscadero are two celebrities I put into I Think I Could Hump Now. You know what I mean? Because I have a certain-

12:12 Guest That's not really, you know, they're in a category with Abe Bogota and Ed Asner too now.

12:17 Adam Yeah, he's in, they're in there. He's in there with them. Yeah, they're in there. They're all in the hopper. I'm just saying, and you guys must have this too, which is at a certain point, you know, you were 13 years old, you were nine years old, you were 15, you were in high school, you had zits, you were a mess, you were watching these people on TV. There's no way they would have ever had sex with you. But time marched on. Your star got a little bit brighter. Now we've all risen to C slash maybe D celebrity, but they're down, you know, we crossed at a certain point. They've been inching down for a while. We've been inching up. I don't know when I crossed Leather Tuscanero. Could have been six, eight years ago.

12:59 Guest What a nihilistic view on sex you have. It's just time the Avenger. Is that your whole?

13:03 Drew That's a numbers game.

13:06 Adam The cross is where you get to have sex. That's where you put the bed, where you cross.

13:10 Drew Now he's becoming sacrilegious too.

13:12 Guest Oh yeah.

13:14 Adam No, it's an axe. It's not this kind of cross.

13:17 Drew Supply and demand issue.

13:18 Guest Now you're stepping back. Because you can be way better than Leather Tuscanero.

13:22 Guest Exactly. Yeah.

13:23 Guest It's kind of a mercy hump for you.

13:25 Adam I may be in like Aaron Moran category, like Joni from Happy Days.

13:31 Drew You're probably getting close to your friend from Maud.

13:34 Adam Oh, oh. Adrian Barbeau. Don't kid, don't kid.

13:37 Drew Adrian Barbeau.

13:38 Adam Oh, I passed Bea Arthur nine months ago.

13:42 Guest Is there a website for this? Can you put your name in and see where you are on the- See who's plummeting and see where you've got to.

13:49 Adam Well, the good news, now here's the thing that we have as guys, is guys, we have time, which is, it doesn't matter that we're in show business. If we were males and we had a decent income and we were dentists working in Sherman Oaks, eventually you're gonna pass some of these women you watched on TV too, just because time is tough on them that way. It's unfair, but let's face it, it's good. So you don't need celebrity, but we will factor in our celebrity. And yes, I would like to see some of these women.

14:17 Guest No, no, yeah. I mean, if you're a dentist in Van Nuys, yeah, you'll get Leather Tuscadero, but we can maybe get like Jamie Gertz or Linda Blair at this point. Like, because of our celebrity, we have a couple extra hit points.

14:28 Adam Right, right, right. I'm saying, I'm coming up on Linda Blair.

14:32 Guest I'm coming up on Linda Blair too.

14:33 Drew Who's the Leather Tuscadero?

14:35 Adam I don't know the name of the actress. Yeah, she was from Happy Days.

14:40 Drew Oh, okay.

14:41 Adam From Happy Days. She was like Fonzie's girlfriend. Got it, got it. Yes, you're right. We are approaching these people. Yeah, the Linda Blairs of the world. We have hood scoops. I like to find out where we're at and see what we could do. There should be a website for this.

14:57 Guest Well, you put in your name, your income, your age, and they tell you what level you've gotten to, who you can nail.

15:02 Adam And it's great because they're, yeah, there are all these chicks who are like 80s actresses that you're watching. Like you've never been any lower. You've never been any further away from getting laid. You're looking at Jamie Gertz and just, but just crying, just semen pouring out of your eye. Tears of semen. And now.

15:18 Guest Don't turn this into a Cronenberg film.

15:20 Adam I'm just saying now, huh?

15:22 Guest Now I'm actually saying no to Charlene Tilton. I'm like, no, I can do better.

15:26 Adam Yeah, well, you passed, you probably passed, probably been between 14 and 17 months since you passed, and I'm coming up on Gertz. Patton's got Linda Blair in his crosshairs.

15:38 Guest It's gonna be a great weekend. Nothing wrong with Linda Blair.

15:41 Guest What's Mr. Thomas up to?

15:42 Adam Oh, wait, hold on. There's nothing wrong with her?

15:44 Guest Nothing wrong with her.

15:45 Adam Then you may be a few years off.

15:49 Guest No, look, I can conjure up visions of Night Patrol and Savage Streets while I'm doing it.

15:53 Guest All right.

15:54 Guest Close your eyes and put those soundtracks on your phone. It's a power. It's like a superpower.

15:59 Adam And now it's tough once in a while with like the Heather Lockleers, I think maybe you brought up, which are still, they still look good.

16:05 Guest No, I said Heather Thomas. Heather Thomas, because what's she doing?

16:09 Adam We have to see.

16:09 Guest We have to check.

16:10 Guest Okay, the only spoiler is when they've gone crazy religious like Alisa Welchel from Facts of Life. You couldn't get, because she hooked up with Jesus and you're not gonna get her now.

16:20 Adam They don't have a choice. It's not their choice to make. We, it's like, baby, look at the printout. The graph doesn't lie.

16:27 Guest All right, go on the phone.

16:28 Adam That's it.

16:29 Guest We're going to phone.

16:29 Adam Check the graph.

16:30 Guest We are going to phone.

16:31 Guest Dr. Drew, is there a, is this in a medical book somewhere?

16:34 Guest I don't know, but.

16:34 Guest Can't you consult your patients and go, you know what? You could go get Linda Blair this weekend.

16:39 Drew Go get her, slash D celebrity patient.

16:41 Guest Go get Barbara Crampton from a reanimator. She's yours. Go do it.

16:45 Adam And you, you could, you could take out whole cast.

16:49 Guest Yeah.

16:50 Adam Like, you know, whether they played waitresses on top of that revolving restaurant up there with Angeline. You got the whole cast. You cast them. Got the Foxy Black chick. You got the, the male piano player. They're all, they're all come in there.

17:04 Guest Tal girl number three from the shower scene in Porky.

17:06 Guest The girl from Wings is in there too.

17:07 Adam She's yours. Yeah.

17:08 Guest Oh, the one at, yeah, girl from Wings. Yeah.

17:10 Guest Cast her.

17:10 Adam You got her. Jenna, you thought you'd never get there. Jenna. Drew, and you, look at you. You're a doctor. You add doctor to the mix. Forget about it.

17:21 Drew It doesn't help that much.

17:22 Adam It does. No, it helps. Yeah.

17:24 Guest Just always wear a stethoscope.

17:27 Guest And you're a doctor on the radio.

17:28 Drew Yeah, you're a famous doctor.

17:30 Guest You're a rockin road doctor, squail.

17:35 Guest Jenna. Yeah, it's really great.

17:37 Adam Jenna, you're 16. What's up?

17:41 Caller Me and my boyfriend have sex all the time.

17:46 Guest We're gonna be, that's awesome. Sex is radical.

17:50 Adam We're gonna be passing in a few months too, by the way. Jenna, I just wanna give you a little heads up.

17:55 Caller And so, I was just wondering if you guys would think that it would end up being all about the sex.

18:04 Drew Well, for guys, that pretty much sums it up.

18:07 Adam How old is he?

18:08 Guest Is he 16 also, or is he like 30 or?

18:14 Adam Maybe you're scared he's only with you for the sex?

18:20 Caller I don't know.

18:22 Drew Guys that age have difficulty separating out sex and love. It's all the same for them.

18:28 Guest Yeah, Rita Forever by Judy Blume, that should do it.

18:30 Adam Guys that age?

18:33 Drew Well, at least at 37, you have a sense of there being a difference. You may not be able to make these things apart, but that's exactly right.

18:42 Adam Give him 29 years, he'll come around.

18:44 Drew No, and so really, a 16-year-old, it's all about that. And for women, it's not necessarily quite that clear. In fact, these things are usually quite separate.

18:52 Adam All right, this brings up a topic, which is everyone constantly trying to figure out why someone is with them, they're with you. You know, I mean, I've had people say, she's only talking to you because you're on MTV or whatever. It's like, yeah, that's why I try to get on MTV.

19:06 Drew Yeah, but there are sometimes there are people that are with someone merely singularly because they're exploiting them, not for any other reason.

19:14 Adam Once in a while, but ultimately, everybody is with somebody because of something.

19:18 Drew No, I think what the point you're making is that they're only attracted to you because fill in the blank. And that's like, yeah, that's fine, whatever.

19:24 Adam Yeah, I repeat, and, right, they're attracted to you, good enough, and there's reasons why you're attracted to them.

19:31 Drew That's right.

19:32 Adam And I don't know, sort of breaking them down and categorizing them is probably not the greatest plan.

19:38 Drew Judging them is the problem.

19:39 Adam He's with you, he wants to be with you, you wanna be with him. That's right. Put a condom on and go at it. Chelsea?

19:47 Drew Yes.

19:48 Adam You're 13?

19:49 Guest Oh, I don't wanna go to Chelsea.

19:50 Drew Why?

19:51 Adam 13.

19:52 Guest I was nothing, it was a joke that didn't work. I'm 53 years old.

19:57 Drew You just keep going.

19:58 Guest That happens sometimes.

19:58 Drew Just keep going. No notices.

20:00 Guest Go ahead, Chelsea. Yeah. What's up?

20:03 Guest Guys at my school, they like to like touch me in ways I don't like to be touched.

20:09 Drew 13 year old guys.

20:11 Guest Well, some of them are 13, some of them are 14, and some of them are 15.

20:15 Drew They're teachers or people at work at the school or anything, do anything weird like that?

20:19 Guest No.

20:23 Drew So the boy's doing this?

20:25 Guest Yeah.

20:26 Drew Have you brought it to their attention?

20:28 Guest No.

20:29 Adam Well, you gotta give them a little heads up because you'll find out in a few short years that your teachers aren't really that smart. It was a bitter pill to swallow for me.

20:38 Guest You're smarter than them, probably. You're 13? Yeah, you're smarter than them.

20:41 Drew Yeah, but be that as it may, the fact is they have a responsibility to help protect you. And if you are being harassed sexually, that they really have a responsibility if they don't step up.

20:51 Guest Have you told the guys that you don't like that?

20:57 Guest And it's under the point that when they do it, I smack them and they won't stop. They think I'm just messing around. Uh-huh.

21:05 Guest Yeah, you gotta take it to somebody there. Where's your dad?

21:07 Adam Is he around?

21:10 Those folks are horrible.

21:12 Adam Hello?

21:13 Drew Chelsea?

21:13 Adam I keep dropping out.

21:15 Drew All right, Chelsea? Oh, he's around, she said.

21:17 Adam All right, your dad's around? Have you told him?

21:20 Drew Yeah, maybe he'll be a good place to start too. Or at least mom, if you're afraid, he'll react too forcefully.

21:26 Adam Yeah, all right, and stay away from these guys. All right, I'm not sure how to avoid trouble in high school and in junior high. There's a way to do it.

21:35 Guest I'm not the guy to ask, yeah.

21:37 Drew Absolutely not, you got peed on and crapped on.

21:40 Guest I was one of the guys doing the touching, so I'm really not the guy to talk to. I had no help.

21:46 Adam No, I was abused by my own friend. I was, it was, it was, it was inner posse abuse. You know what I mean? It wasn't strangers. It was, it was really-

21:54 Drew This may be her friends too.

21:55 Guest I had both.

21:55 Adam Oh, really? Yeah, where'd you go to high school, Brian?

21:58 Guest Sonoma. Really?

22:01 Adam This Sonoma?

22:02 Guest Yeah, Sonoma, California, yeah.

22:04 Adam Seems, you know, once in a while I hear about someone who grew up in like a Big Sur or something. It seems weird. Like, I know, I thought people go there to camp and vacation and look at the sights. Like Sonoma seems, it seems too sane for some reason. Was it-

22:21 Guest It's not a fun place to grow up.

22:23 Adam It's not?

22:24 Guest No, it's beautiful, but it's just full of dumb people.

22:30 Guest Really?

22:30 Guest Because it's like you're living-

22:32 Adam Try North Hollywood, you got ugly filled with dumb people. At least you got beautiful and dumb people.

22:36 Guest When you live in a resort town, you deal with a lot of like locals that are just hopeless. So yeah, you know what I mean?

22:42 Adam Right, you go, it becomes like-

22:44 Guest It's like living in a beach town, off season, you know. You never stop being raped.

22:50 Guest I think any town can be bad for a young nerd.

22:53 Adam Yeah.

22:54 Guest Yeah.

22:54 Guest Or a young hot guy like Brian.

22:56 Guest Yeah. Oh yeah.

22:57 Guest The girls just kept touching him and he would smack them and they just thought he was playing.

23:01 Adam These, by the way, Patton Oswalt and Brian Posehn, two of the hot young comedians currently working, attractive, making the scene. Making the LA scene.

23:11 Guest Cruising around in our convertible.

23:13 Guest Yeah.

23:14 Guest On the Sunset Strip.

23:15 Guest We also stopped crying. Yeah, we stopped crying.

23:19 Adam Patton, have you seen Spider-Man? Less than 10 times.

23:23 Guest Oh, how?

23:24 Guest The greatest thing to happen to nerds since masturbation. Spider-Man 2, truly.

23:28 Guest It's terrific. Everyone's seen it. Yeah.

23:30 Guest Guys, and I have friends, I've had friends now, they are in the, one of our friends is in the Three Times in 24 Hours Club. He's seen Three Times in 24 Hours. Yeah, and someone else, a girl nerd we know, has seen it twice in 24 hours.

23:44 Drew What is it that's so good about it?

23:46 Guest It is a, it's truly a movie for everyone. Nerds will love it, but even if you don't like comics, it's so well written, so full of heart, great, I mean just.

23:55 Guest But I think comic fans love it on, and even, you know, on the next level, because it's so true to the comic.

24:02 Guest But it's also not embarrassing, like it's really smart, and even people that don't like comics, like, wow, that was a really well written movie, you know what I mean? It's something that proves that comics can be, listen to me, I'm getting all wound up, but it's like something that nerds can be proud of.

24:15 Adam It made like $40 million dollars in one day.

24:19 Guest Yeah, on a Tuesday, it's gonna be.

24:21 Guest Yeah, we saw it Tuesday at midnight, like a couple of dorks. Oh, you really went to the midnight show? Yeah, yeah.

24:27 Guest Midnight show, Arclight, we were there.

24:29 Guest We did the popcorn trick. When the curtain opened. It's not really a trick.

24:32 Drew With each other?

24:34 Guest What do you mean?

24:35 Drew Well, if I made yourself.

24:36 Guest Yeah, it's on each other, but it's not really a trick. This, hey, I just did the popcorn. Exactly.

24:42 Adam This imitation butter flavoring is horrible.

24:46 Guest They gotta rework this.

24:47 Guest We're also big fans of diner, so just every time.

24:50 Adam What, and by the way, what are like the top three comic movies or, you know, comic book turned to movie movies? Like I never saw the whole.

24:59 Guest Spider-Man 2 is now number one. I can just safely say that.

25:02 Guest I would say Spider-Man 2 number one, X-Men 2 number two, and then Blade 2 number three.

25:09 Guest You know what?

25:10 Guest I would choose.

25:11 Guest I would say.

25:12 Guest Blade 2 is better than Blade, X-Men 2 is better than X-Men and Spider-Man 2.

25:17 Guest I'd also put the first Superman film up there because they really did a good job with it. And I think the movie, The Hulk, will age well. But right now, people don't really get it, but it's gonna age really well. Yeah, Blade 2 and X-Men 2, both better than the first ones.

25:32 Adam By the way.

25:33 Guest I liked Superman 2 better than Superman 1 at the time, but I don't think it ages well.

25:37 Guest Yeah, oh, it ages really badly.

25:38 Guest Now you're watching this pretty early.

25:39 Adam I don't wanna break up the conversation, but Linda Blair called the hotline and you've been pushed back a few months. The nerd conversation. You were gonna cut a slice this weekend and it just got pushed in to December.

25:54 Guest That's the other good thing about Spider-Man 2. It's so good it might actually get us chicks because women like it. I mean, the women and the female.

26:01 Drew No, it might give you something to do instead of chicks.

26:03 Guest Right. Can you just let me have some hope, Dr. Drew? You're supposed to be a healer.

26:08 Adam It's time to play.

26:11 Drew Reality's turn.

26:12 Adam It's time to play. Yeah, if he's got a cancer, or it's got six month cancer pace, you just gotta let him get his affairs in order. That's what just happened. Denial. He's still in the denial phase.

26:25 Drew The anger and deal making is going.

26:27 Adam Deal making.

26:28 Guest Deal making will happen later.

26:29 Adam Let's talk to Eric, who's 18, gonna give us a little Germany or Florida. Eric?

26:35 Guest Hey, Adam.

26:37 Adam This is a game I basically co-opted from Jimmy Kimmel Live writer's table every bizarre story in the world seems to either emanate from either Germany or Florida. So we used to play actually Germany or Florida. So when it makes their bizarre, announces their bizarre story and we guess Germany or Florida, I decided to take it and do it on this show.

27:02 Guest Germany or Florida!

27:06 Drew Andy Dick?

27:06 Adam I don't know who that was. All right, go ahead, Eric.

27:10 Drew Actually, kind of ironic last time we had something called Marizona with a call that sounded like a Florida. Dad was in Florida. Right.

27:17 Adam Go ahead, Eric.

27:18 Two men were lighting fireworks and throwing them from their vehicle Monday night while driving. At some point, an ember from a cigarette fell on the back seat of the car and ignited several other explosives. One man was able to exit the vehicle after running into a light pole. However, the other was not able to get out of the car and sat in the car as it burned. Both men were burned in over 90% of their bodies and transported to the hospital. They actually had to hose them down to treat them, instead of firing them. The man who was stuck in the car died at the hospital Tuesday morning.

27:47 Adam Still funny.

27:50 Guest Still funnier than white chicks.

27:51 Adam All right. It, you got the smoking, you got the bed of the truck.

28:01 Guest They don't care about that.

28:04 Adam Well, wait a minute, Crystal Knock may be coming up. It's about the same time as 4th of July.

28:09 Drew Did you see the, wait, wait, wait.

28:11 Adam Hold on, Drew, you're right in the middle of Germany or Florida.

28:13 Guest I love the Crystal Knock mattress sales too. Those are my favorite, man.

28:18 Drew First of all, your name is not Eric, is it?

28:20 It is Eric, actually.

28:21 Drew It's what?

28:22 It is Eric, actually.

28:24 Drew So you've given us some focus name in the past?

28:26 No, well, my name is actually Eric on my driver's license.

28:30 Drew You've never called before?

28:31 No, I haven't. All right. First time calling, long time listener.

28:33 Drew True, true.

28:34 Guest Don't get mad.

28:35 Drew You sound like the guy that sings the song.

28:37 Guest Eric, if that's your real name.

28:39 Adam No more talking for you.

28:40 I haven't been listening since junior high, so.

28:42 Adam All right, Eric, go ahead.

28:44 Actually, it was Florida, Adam, you are a genius.

28:46 Adam Thank you, we're all geniuses. He's not a genius.

28:50 Drew That's him.

28:51 Adam That's a neck.

28:51 Drew That's a neck.

28:54 Guest Yeah. Guaranteed not to bore ya, Germany or Florida.

28:57 Adam No. That's not Eric?

28:59 Guest You're not a genius if you pick between two choices. That's a coin flip.

29:02 Drew Eric, that's not you?

29:03 Guest No, that's not me.

29:05 Drew No, the guy that sang that song is cool and he sounds like Eric.

29:07 Adam We thought he was the guy who sung the theme of Germany or Florida.

29:09 Guest Did you guys read about the creepy German super baby that they've been studying? Yeah. So, this baby was born with two recessive genes.

29:17 Drew Oh, the muscle.

29:17 Guest He doesn't make myostatin. So, he's just literally everything that he, all his calories, everything just goes right into muscle development and he can, he's five and a half and he can lift like 20 pound weights, like hold them out to his sides. He's literally all muscles.

29:31 Guest He can catch bullets in his teeth.

29:34 There's gonna be a comic book here.

29:36 Guest He can run faster.

29:37 Guest It's really creepy and his parents are both these weirdly, they don't know who the, the dad was like this weird construction worker that could carry these huge weather bricks with his bare hands that normally had to put in like on forklifts and his mom was also an athlete that had these weird powers like, it literally feels like, yeah, it's like the X-Men, it's like the first X-Man, telling you, super baby.

29:59 Drew If he blows on things, they freeze or?

30:01 Guest They like took pictures of him, he has this weird muscular ass and these giant legs, he's five years old.

30:06 Guest George Bush has a baby that can do more, and he's faster.

30:10 Adam Did you see that?

30:10 Guest Yeah, down in a basement somewhere.

30:12 Adam Basically, this is what Hitler was-

30:14 Guest He beat that Germany baby.

30:15 Guest They just beat a marble.

30:16 Adam Hitler was working toward this. I got to believe-

30:19 Guest Yeah, it shows you the Eugenics program was right.

30:21 Adam Somewhere Hitler's up in heaven, looking down and smiling. And I know people say, well, how did Hitler get to heaven? But he probably repented just before he put the bullet in his head. And therefore, he got there on a technicality. So I got to believe he's up there with our grandparents, just smiling and laughing.

30:41 Guest St. Peter was like, yeah, you got us.

30:47 Adam You repented!

30:48 Guest You nut! Hendricks, go take him to get some wings fitted.

30:53 Adam And I could see him too. It's like that scene in the Disney movies where the coach on the opposing team goes, a mule kicking field goals. And the ref runs over and he opens the rule book and he says, you show me where it says a mule can't kick field goals.

31:11 Guest Nut in the rule book about a mule playing football.

31:16 Adam So like when Hitler showed up at the pearly gates, it must have been like, oh, please, Adolf. You know, and then they just like St. Peter turned to like a ham or somebody and said, what are you going to do? He repented just seconds before he ate the cyanide capsule.

31:30 Guest There's a nerdy angel with the book.

31:32 Adam Come on in. And then they made the announcement. All right.

31:36 Guest Now listen people. Is it in the book?

31:39 Adam We're not going to treat him any differently than anybody else. Oh cool. Brian Posehn and Patton Oswalt here tonight, two hot comedians currently work in the LAC.

31:52 Guest And attractive.

31:53 Guest Yeah.

31:53 Adam We'll take ourselves a little break.

31:56 Guest Couple of lookers.

31:56 Adam And we'll be right back after this. Ow!

32:00 Guest Hello. Drew.

32:06 Adam What are women most attracted to?

32:08 Guest Confident guys.

32:09 Adam That's right. You can't buy that confidence. At least you couldn't until now.

32:12 Drew What do we got?

32:13 Adam You got Axe Deodorant Body Spray. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam Carolla. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Patton Oswalt is here tonight. Brian Posehn here tonight. Two hot young comedians currently work in the LA scene. They can be found at the John Kerry benefit on Wednesday. That would be this coming Wednesday, July 7th, at the knitting factory.

32:47 Guest A lot of hot comedians there.

32:48 Drew Adam would be there too, but he is gonna be on his back having his hernia repaired.

32:52 Oh, yeah.

32:52 Guest But you're doing that to benefit John Kerry, right?

32:56 Drew Kerry Smock.

32:58 Guest Yeah, hernia for Kerry.

32:59 Guest Hernia repair for Kerry.

33:01 My balls hurt, they'll never heal.

33:05 Adam Yeah, that was me singing about my balls.

33:08 Drew Fantastic.

33:08 Adam Yeah, I'm in a lot of pain, and you couldn't tell by looking at me, but my threshold. But yeah, it's bold, Drew. I got people freaked. I show it to people at the office. It's weird because there's pubes involved, you know? And it's kind of freaky, you know?

33:23 Drew I've never seen that before.

33:24 Adam Have you seen pubes?

33:25 Guest I had a hernia operation a few years ago, man. It's weird.

33:29 Adam Was it good?

33:29 Guest No, it was not fun.

33:33 Adam Oh, it's big, yeah.

33:34 Drew That's gonna be bad times.

33:36 Adam It's big and pubie.

33:37 Drew That's bad times.

33:38 Adam Yeah. You know, I kinda, you know, I've been getting a lot of sympathy.

33:41 Guest I'm talking like alien two.

33:44 Adam I've been getting a lot of sympathy. Brian just barfed. From the writers over at Kimmel.

33:49 Guest Now, should your bulge have a little laughing devil face that I can see through the skin pointing at me? That wasn't good.

33:54 Adam He's in there.

33:55 Guest Might not be a hernia.

33:56 Adam He's attacking the wing. I got a gremlin up my ass.

34:00 Drew He's having you sign a release where he might have to open you up if he can't get it with the scope.

34:04 Guest Yeah, don't get out of wet.

34:05 Drew Is he having you sign that?

34:06 Adam I don't, Drew, I don't know. I'm tired of you and your worry warding. My wife called today, and Drew, what about your eyes? Drew's a big post.

34:15 Guest It's like a yeti. When you go in.

34:17 Adam It's not boring everybody. Where's your bedside manner? And that's why I don't talk to you, by the way.

34:22 Guest They're gonna shave your pubes and make sure they shave all your pubes. Cause the guy that did mine, shaved exactly half my pubes. And I look like the worst Batman villain in the world. Like, this looks like the work of half pubes, Robin. It was the so like, just shave all my pubes, dude. It was the worst.

34:39 Adam Your asymmetry pubes are not gonna help you now.

34:43 Guest But that would have been the perfect time to get a tattoo. Like Mr. Magoo with a lawnmower.

34:51 That'd be an awesome tattoo.

34:56 Adam I'm gonna, can I shave my own pubes or is that gay?

35:00 Drew No, you can, when you can help these people out, cause they're gonna have to have like some cutting shears.

35:03 Right.

35:03 Drew To bring the bulk down.

35:04 Adam Well, they're gonna start a controlled fire.

35:06 Drew We're gonna get a mulching device down there for you.

35:08 Adam Well, here's what I'm saying. Like, here's what I wanna say. I wanna say, look, I'm gonna do a preliminary, I'm gonna take a pass at the pubes and possibly the sack as well. Keep in mind, I'm only doing it for the operation. That's not how I wear it. You understand? I'm doing it for you guys. And then you guys can get in and clean up.

35:28 Drew I just can't wait to be there to hear all your mouth and off to the staff. I just, I'm just gonna sit back and just enjoy.

35:33 Adam I'm great. Cause I have ideas about how people can do their job better except for me, really. I'm the only one.

35:39 Guest I have no idea what I could do.

35:41 Adam Yeah, I'm the guy who does a national radio show and shows up two and a half minutes before the show starts every night. And it's not sure who the guest is, but I have a lot of ideas about how Filipino nurses could do their job just a little bit better who get paid way less than me.

35:56 Guest All right.

35:58 Adam But it's gonna be great, Drew.

35:59 Drew It is gonna be great.

36:00 Adam Let me tell you something about the bulge, by the way. I've been wearing sweatpants and showing the bulge around and it's a nice, you know, it's like a, you know, a handball underneath, right above the groin there.

36:10 Drew That's an indirect turn.

36:11 Adam And I gotta tell you, everybody over at Kimmel's in A-hole, including Kimmel. Let's be honest. They're all pins in the ass. They're like, you know, the kind of guys like you are like.

36:22 Drew You talk about pusses.

36:23 Adam They're pusses, but they're pains in the ass. And if you said to them, like, listen, I'm a little down today cause it looks like I might be getting a divorce. They would start laughing hysterically. It just, they call you a pussy.

36:34 Guest That's the laughter of the dam, cause their lives suck.

36:37 Adam It'd be really funny to them and it would be great. And cousin Sal's always punching you. Like if you tell him, hey, my back's kind of sore today, he'd come up and punch you and stuff like that. So everyone's abusive. They're verbally abusive. They're physically abusive. They have no sympathy for anybody. But when I dropped the shorts today and showed them the bulge, they all were like, hey, dude, you should sit down. I mean, you should, their face went from like the perpetual goof balls to just that look of serious first time in their life. Like, you should sit down, Adam, and take it easy. And I thought, wow, this is nice. I like this bulge. I get some, I don't know if I want to take care of this Wednesday. I like this thing to be out like a size of a duffel bag in four years. I actually have to pull it out of my pants and drop it onto the desk.

37:24 Drew They can get huge.

37:25 Adam That's what I'm looking for.

37:26 Drew All your intestines can just hang on down there.

37:27 Adam That's what, like, I want to pick it up and drop it onto the desk. And it'd be like-

37:32 Drew The problem is it all goes down into your scrotum.

37:33 Adam I'll be sitting there.

37:35 Drew And it's got pretty spacious.

37:36 Adam Into the scrotum? I get that's better.

37:38 Drew In your case, there's quite a bit of room to move.

37:41 Adam Yeah, it'll be-

37:41 Drew You'll dump your liver in there.

37:43 Adam It'll be great. Like, wherever I am, like, I'll be at the DMV and they'll be like, yeah, listen, if you renew your license, we need your old license before we can, and I'll just drop it on, okay, sweetie, take what you need.

37:54 Guest Could you live with your organs and your balls?

37:56 Adam Yeah, whatever.

37:58 Drew Yeah, old men do that. We don't operate on them. It's just too-

38:00 Adam I think my dad-

38:01 Guest Women, when you get old, do your organs just drop down on your balls?

38:04 Drew No, somebody with indirect hernia like that that gets out of control and doesn't take care of it, I've got patients with half a basketball worth of intestine in there.

38:13 Adam My dad's, I think my dad keeps his brains in his balls.

38:16 Drew You guys are nerds, you are really nerds. The human is a novelty to you guys.

38:22 Guest I'm gonna stick with superheroes and robots and aliens. This is horrible. This is 10 times worse than alien and predator.

38:31 Drew I've got to get the Dr. Alter book out for these guys.

38:33 Adam No. Do it during the commercial.

38:35 Drew Or the guys, the general assignment. Yeah, general assignment.

38:39 Adam Brian, you think you almost vomited looking at my lump. Why do you see this book?

38:44 Guest They want to know it exists.

38:46 Adam This is Vietnam, this is Auschwitz and White Chicks, all in one book.

38:51 Guest I love how White Chicks is in the list with Auschwitz now.

38:55 I'm saying it.

38:57 Guest It actually passed it.

38:58 You gotta have a stomach.

38:59 Guest It actually passed it, yeah. Yeah, Auschwitz was not as bad as White Chicks.

39:02 Sarah?

39:03 Guest Less suffering.

39:04 Adam Sarah? Sarah.

39:06 Drew 17, Sarah.

39:08 Adam Sarah?

39:09 Caller Hello?

39:10 Adam Yes, you're 17, what's up? All right, what's your question?

39:16 Caller Like, me and my boyfriend have been having anal sex lately and like every time we do it, I always feel like I have to use the bathroom.

39:26 Adam While you're doing it.

39:29 Guest God, why is that?

39:29 Caller Yeah.

39:30 Guest That's so weird.

39:31 Guest That doesn't make any sense at all.

39:32 Guest That makes no sense.

39:33 Drew Do you evacuate yourself before you start this action? Can you understand that having something in the, what we call the verge?

39:43 Adam Yeah, that we call the verge.

39:44 Drew It's called the anal verge.

39:46 Adam Wow, great band name.

39:49 Guest Anal verge.

39:49 Guest I didn't want to jump on that, but wow.

39:51 Drew Yeah.

39:52 Guest They're playing at the knitting factory the night after us.

39:54 Guest Didn't they open for the AAS, the anal verge?

39:57 Drew But you can understand how things in the verge could...

39:59 Guest Oh, Drew's got a book open.

40:01 Guest Yeah.

40:02 Drew It could feel like something's coming in or going out. You don't have great sensitivity to have direction down there.

40:07 Adam Yes. You understand that there's no gyro in the anus.

40:12 Guest Your butt's not smart. Right.

40:16 Adam Okay, Sarah, how old is your boyfriend? 18. And do you enjoy the anal sex? You do? It didn't sound like a ringing endorsement. It's more like a picture of him holding a pistol and like he's listening, like the hostage thing, like pick the phone up. Do you enjoy anal sex? And he's doing this. He's got the gun to his mom.

40:40 Guest Yeah, got the king of comedy thing, hold up the cue cards for her.

40:43 Guest Yeah. Yeah. Is it because you won't do the front hole is like this plan B or?

40:49 Yeah.

40:51 Guest Or plan P as they come.

40:55 Guest Or you do both. You have sex.

40:57 Adam Do you have regular kind of sex too? You do?

41:02 Guest All right.

41:02 Guest He should be happy with that. He's 17.

41:05 Guest Or he could be gay.

41:07 Guest I didn't get either.

41:08 Guest He could very well be gay.

41:09 Drew No, no, no, no, no. He's just into it.

41:11 Guest No.

41:12 Drew All right.

41:12 Adam So Sarah.

41:13 Drew He could.

41:14 Adam Sarah, maybe.

41:16 Guest Does he watch a lot of Oz? Does he have the Oz DVDs?

41:21 Guest No.

41:22 Guest Has he burned a squash to go onto your butt with a cigarette lighter?

41:26 Guest Because that could be a clue. Does he call you bro while he's back there?

41:33 Adam Dude, hold still.

41:35 Guest Does he listen to Judas Priest while you guys do it?

41:38 Guest Wow.

41:38 Leave them out of this.

41:39 Adam All right, Sarah.

41:42 Guest Turn away, run away.

41:44 Adam Here's the thing. Here's the thing, you're 17.

41:48 Caller Yeah.

41:50 Adam I really think you can burn out your joy receptors by doing this kind of stuff. Too much stimulation, too early.

42:00 Guest You're really supposed to wait till you're in your mid-20s and you're with some girl you just met.

42:05 Drew Yeah, it's something she doesn't really like. It's exploitative.

42:08 Adam How is she now? Do you know she really doesn't like him?

42:11 Drew She sounded so enthusiastic about it.

42:12 Guest She just sounds depressed.

42:14 Adam Sarah? Are you doing all right in school?

42:20 Caller Yeah, I'm doing okay.

42:22 Adam Are you gonna go to college? Where, junior college?

42:27 Caller Um, I don't know. All right.

42:31 Drew You can't, yeah.

42:33 Adam Okay, listen, let's see. Don't get pregnant, right? Are you using any?

42:39 Drew She's taking care of that.

42:39 Adam Are you using birth control?

42:41 Caller Um, no. Wow.

42:43 Drew How are you not gonna get pregnant then?

42:45 Caller Um.

42:45 Guest Second hole.

42:47 Drew Yeah, but they're using both.

42:48 Caller Right.

42:49 Drew So how are you not gonna get pregnant?

42:51 Caller Um, condom.

42:52 Adam Yeah, but you use those. That's a catch is catch can, right?

42:56 Guest You don't, pardon with the can pun, but you just said you didn't use birth control.

43:01 Drew Well, she's not, she means the pill.

43:03 Guest All right, Sarah.

43:04 Adam Yeah. All right, just don't get pregnant.

43:08 Guest I got a question. Do you like it besides the having to run into the other room? You do, you do like. I'm saying don't, you know, if you don't like it or if it makes you run into the bathroom.

43:25 Adam Oh, listen, I got something else.

43:26 Guest Cut that out.

43:27 Adam Don't call this goddamn show if you don't feel like talking on the phone or if you're being bothered by our questions, you know? And I know every teenager has to act like they're put upon every time anyone over 30 asks a question.

43:37 Guest We talked about this last time.

43:39 Adam We call the goddamn show.

43:39 Drew We talk about it every night.

43:40 Caller Every night.

43:41 Guest But like, but literally people call, how did you say it? They call and then they act like we called them.

43:45 Adam Yeah.

43:46 Caller And what?

43:47 Adam They're in the middle of what?

43:49 Guest Weren't you just waiting for an hour to get on this show?

43:51 Drew Every night.

43:52 Guest Whatever, man.

43:53 Guest What? You ever had somebody call you and it sounds like they just woke up? Yeah. It's like, dude, you called me. How did you?

44:00 Adam I know, like, what happened? Yeah, listen, get it together. Let's muster a little enthusiasm for the show everybody. Let's break it down. Come on, gentlemen. Gentlemen, can I use that term loosely? Gentlemen, hey, that helmet, not a chair. Grab a knee. Let's go now. Let's break it down. Let's get a hand in it. All right, all right. Brian Posehn here tonight. That's from-

44:29 Guest Oh yeah, that's right. That girl that didn't wanna talk. Remember that? We kept trying to get her to turn the radio.

44:38 Adam Patton here, Brian here. Well, too hot. Up and coming comics currently work in the LA scene.

44:45 Guest Are we making the scene?

44:46 Adam We're making the LA scene. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

44:51 Guest Loveline, 1-800-LOVE-191.

45:20 Adam That is Dr. Drew, otherwise known as the Puss. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1.

45:27 Drew We're gonna see where, Adam's gonna have both sides of that now. It's looking like it. We're gonna see where he is on Thursday morning.

45:33 Adam I don't even tell you about my stuff anymore, Drew, because you're such a naysayer. You're like Dr. Dark.

45:41 Caller Oh, doom and gloom.

45:43 Adam You're like the guy from Lost in Space. He's a doctor for Christ's sake. I tell him I'm gonna do something. I'm like, every time I tell him I'm gonna lance something, I'm, oh, no. Don't worry about it, it's just a zit.

45:57 Drew Last time we did it, it came in with a periorbital infection as I had like a volcano growing out of me.

46:03 Adam All right, not all of them work out, but 98, 70, 65% of them work out when I do my own lancing work. That's all.

46:13 Guest Why aren't you lancing your balls?

46:15 Adam Yeah.

46:17 Guest Get a skillsaw, drink a bottle of Jack.

46:20 Drew Two weeks after my heart, I think I had Dr. Marcel and they saying, me like, oh dude, the hope and repair is much more likely to be successful than me.

46:28 Adam Wow, I don't need you. Drew call, he talks to my wife and he convinces her I'm dying is basically what he does.

46:36 Guest And then he's trying to swoop on your wife.

46:38 Drew Yeah, that's a different issue.

46:41 Adam It's like Adam's dying and you're going to need some comforting, that's his thing. Yeah, okay, so stop scaring everyone, Drew. And let me tell you something, I have a much higher threshold for pain than you. Because I didn't grow up with a go to the little Lord Fauntleroy School for albino hemophiliacs like you did. I grew up on the mean streets of North Hollywood. You understand?

47:01 Caller I'm like Leather Tuscadero who I could have sex with now.

47:07 Drew I can't wait to see how this works out.

47:10 Adam Yeah, all right. Brian Posehn is here tonight. So is Patton Oswalt. Dear, dear, dear friends and hot, young, up and coming comics currently working in LA.

47:19 Drew Yeah, not up and coming. They're making the scene.

47:22 Adam Making the LA scene. They're gonna be at the John Carey Benefit, which is coming up this Wednesday at the Knitting Factory in Hollywood. And what about this? I know I have a lot of radical ideas, but it always kills me when everyone's raising money. First off, John Carey's wife has a billion dollars in the bank, but we got to raise a lot of money and Bush is gonna spend like $280 million or he's raised that much and Carey's gonna spend several hundred million dollars and it's just sort of farting into the wind with it. What if, and this had never happened because it just sounds too sane, but what if Bush or Carey said-

48:03 Drew Put the money to repair the roads out here. Here's what I want.

48:06 Adam What if Bush said, look, I'm not doing any commercials. I'm not gonna take $280 million and piss into the wind. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna build a orphanage in the middle of the country. It's gonna be huge. It's gonna have an Olympic swimming pool and a gymnasium and we'll be able to handle people from neighboring states and I'm gonna get to work on it. Jimmy Carter, he's helping me. He's the only thing we agree on and I'll be doing this. So spend your money, do your campaigns, sling your mud. I'm working on this thing. Would it work? Would it be just crazy enough to work? The news would be checking in, you know, seeing, oh, he's poured the foundation. He's tilting up the framing this week. What if somebody just did that? I mean, the idea that these guys throw millions of dollars just into the air and I know people look at it as, well, that's not the same millions of dollars that could build a school or a road or a hospital or help some African AIDS patients, but it kind of is, isn't it? It's just the millions of dollars.

49:08 Guest That makes a lot of sense.

49:10 Adam Do we need to spend millions and millions?

49:13 Guest I'd rather them just throw like a kick-ass party with that money.

49:16 Adam Yeah.

49:16 Guest Or just make a couple of party balls.

49:18 Guest Yeah, if I was Bush and I had to make prostitution legal, build a massive brothel, and you'd be in the news every single day. Orphanage, that's a terrible idea. And get Jimmy Carter to build a brothel.

49:30 Adam And how much-

49:30 Guest Habitats for Horrors, do that.

49:33 Guest Wasn't that a man show segment? Yeah.

49:36 Guest Oh, really?

49:36 Adam No, it wasn't.

49:37 Guest All right. Although guess what? Next week, pitch meeting.

49:45 Adam Yeah, and I don't know if anyone's mind ever gets changed, by the way, in the few months seeing the commercials. I mean, you know the Bush commercials were paid for by Bush. You know the Kerry commercials were paid for by Kerry. Does anybody really get swayed one way or the other by seeing a super biased commercial that the other guy bought and paid for? I don't, you know, just let's build something. All right.

50:07 Guest Oh, or my kick-ass party ideas.

50:09 Adam Brian's kick-ass party idea, or what about this? What if Bush said, I'm putting every penny I have into research to have a microwave that you can put tin foil in. And it doesn't spark, it's fine. All those frozen TV trays and the little metal handle on the Japanese, Chinese takeout thing. Pow, you want Italian with the foil thing, with the plastic top and the things that bend over? Right into the microwave. Am I right, people? The country would unite behind it.

50:39 Drew I just want to take care of traffic here at LA.

50:41 Adam I want a microwave. Who are you talking to, Drew? Oh, Amy? What's happening?

50:49 Guest Not much, I'm really happy to be talking to you guys.

50:52 Caller Dr. Drew, I love you.

50:53 Guest Fine.

50:54 Guest And Adam, you're a comedy genius.

50:55 Guest Somebody who's happy.

50:57 Guest And the comedy gang, comedian guys, I haven't heard of you, but I watch Crank Tankers. And so I hope you'll be on Comedy Central or something.

51:04 Adam Oh, they'll be on Crank Tankers.

51:06 Drew You've seen King of Queens, right?

51:09 Guest Yeah. King of Queens?

51:10 Adam I think I've seen that. Have you seen that Budweiser commercial where the guy's running for president?

51:17 Guest No.

51:17 Adam No, okay, because that's not either one of these guys.

51:22 Caller That's a friend of ours.

51:23 Adam Yeah, I mean, they could get him in.

51:26 Guest You watch King of Queens, though?

51:28 Guest I can't much anymore. I'm really busy.

51:31 Adam Okay, well, I make time for King of Queens, but go ahead.

51:35 Guest The show's going off the air because you're busy.

51:37 Guest Wow, these selfish kids, I swear to God, you know? We give them free entertainment, and aim biggie.

51:45 Drew What's up, Amy? What's going on? We got this minute here.

51:46 Guest I was volunteering.

51:48 Drew Go ahead, Amy, what's up?

51:51 Guest I'm just wondering if self-mutilation can become an addiction, and if so, how I can break the addiction.

51:58 Drew What are you doing?

51:59 Caller Cutting and injecting.

52:00 Drew What are you injecting?

52:02 Guest Household cleaners, I guess.

52:04 Guest Really?

52:05 Guest Yeah, I know, it's really weird.

52:07 Adam How do you inject them?

52:09 Guest Didn't the Hillside Stranglers kill people doing that?

52:11 Drew In a syringe.

52:12 Guest But you seem happy. I know. It seems like the last kid should be doing that.

52:18 Guest You're like the sunniest cutter we've ever talked to.

52:21 Drew You guys don't have...

52:25 Guest I love you, Dr. Drew.

52:27 Guest Well, Drew, if you would just become a friend, she'd stop cutting herself.

52:31 Adam She's all beaked up on pledge and wind-ass.

52:33 Drew Let's, it's time we have to take a break. But Amy, we're gonna get back to you, okay? We hang on one second?

52:39 Adam All right, baby.

52:40 Drew Hold on.

52:40 Adam Keep that good mood up. We got Patton Oswalt here tonight, Brian Posehn.

52:45 Guest I don't know if she's, I don't trust that she's actually cutting herself.

52:47 Drew Oh, I do.

52:48 Guest Really?

52:50 Drew You guys, you're.

52:50 Guest You're gonna explain it all.

52:52 Adam We'll return. We'll take a break. We'll be back after this.

52:55 Guest Here it is. Bottom line, it sucks being single today.

52:58 Guest Tons of lame people and no decent prospects. Call the Dateline.

53:03 Guest 1-877-889-DATE.

53:10 Guest So get your problems ready. This hour brought to you in part by Axe.

53:17 Guest Experience the Axe Effect.

53:42 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Patton Oswalt is here tonight. As well as good and dear, dear friend, Brian Posehn. Ow! Patton's got himself a CD out.

53:56 Guest That's never happened before.

53:58 Adam Called Feeling Kind of Patton. We're gonna hear something off it coming up in this hour. Also, Brian and Patton can both be found at The Knitting Factory this Wednesday, July 7th in Hollywood for a little John Kerry rally. All right, Drew, what are you pointing at?

54:16 Drew That Patton will be at the Uncabaret.

54:18 Adam Ah, yes. I am? When is that?

54:20 Drew July 31st.

54:21 Adam All right, we will get back to the phones and speak to, well, let's talk politics for one quick second. I kinda wanna like Kerry myself, but I'm not sure where he's at or what his thing is. It's more sort of, I think everyone's just decided that Bush isn't working out, but I don't know what, I'm not sure what Kerry's about. Do you guys know?

54:47 Guest I don't think it matters. It's like, basically, let's take a breather from Bush. Everyone calm down for four years. Kerry will just hold the fort and then we'll find someone else.

54:57 Adam Doesn't it?

54:58 Guest What's wrong with that?

55:00 Adam I think people are like, he's like a space saver spare.

55:03 Guest Seriously, yeah.

55:04 Adam Well, we've broken down. Let's just put him on. We'll make Tahoe by nightfall and then we'll figure it out. Let's see if we can find a nice, there's a fix-a-flat. There's a four day tire store in Tahoe. We can get, yeah.

55:20 Guest He is, that's how I think of him.

55:21 Adam I think, but I think about it. I think about it.

55:24 Guest He's tripling for the world.

55:25 Guest A lot of my conservative friends, I argue with them, they go like, you're just against Bush. I'm like, yeah, I am. We need to, I mean, I'm not anti-Republican. I would have voted for Republican, just not Bush.

55:35 Adam I'm feeling-

55:36 Guest Even Republicans hate him.

55:37 Drew Brian said AAA for the world. I'm so lame, I had to call AAA today.

55:40 Guest Oh really?

55:41 Drew Because the oil-

55:42 Guest To preset your stations?

55:43 Adam Oil cap. Now he lost the tampon on a tent.

55:46 Drew Lost the oil cap down in the engine.

55:48 Guest Oh really?

55:49 Adam And you had to call AAA to go get it?

55:52 Drew Took two of us an hour with the car hoisted.

55:55 Adam Two of us, meaning Mexican crawling inside your bay, you talking to your wife on your cell phone.

55:59 Guest That's not two of us.

56:04 Adam That's three. That's you talking to your wife while he climbs around your $80,000 car.

56:08 Drew How lame is that?

56:09 Adam Crying. It is lame. You've been lamer.

56:14 Drew Really? I have? I thought it was at my worst.

56:17 Adam No, no. That's, yeah. Where were you?

56:22 Drew In my house.

56:23 Adam Your cows?

56:24 Drew My home. Oh yeah, short today? And the damn oil cap slid down into like, under the engine.

56:32 Adam You called AAA to come to your house?

56:33 Caller I mean, your cows?

56:36 Adam I can't believe it. No way.

56:37 Drew Yes, pathetic.

56:38 Adam They should, you know what? They need, you know what AAA could do? And they could probably save themselves like $50 million a year if they had like that cool dude you went to high school with, who got on the phone. Like when a guy calls up and says, yeah, I'm at my house and my cap is falling. And you just, chat, we need you on the phone. Hey dude, what's the matter? I lost it. You can't handle that yourself? I bet you could. Listen, I could send a guy out. I don't mind, but you know, we're gonna be, we're gonna be laughing about it. No, come when he gets back. Why don't you see what you can do about it? Like I could guilt you. I could give you a masculine guilt that would get you to do it yourself over the phone. You see what I'm saying?

57:19 Drew That conversation was going in my head already, which is why I spent an hour by myself trying to get it out.

57:24 Guest Or when they come, they just punch you. Even really hard. No, I'm gonna get it. I'm gonna find your oil cap.

57:30 Guest They punch you and they sleep with your wife right in front of you.

57:33 Adam Right.

57:34 Guest Take that, nerd.

57:36 Adam Yeah, they probably, if they could do it, they could do it like in a slick way. Like, do you want a Thomas Brothers donut? Oh, what is, what is, what is that? And then he just punches you in the arm. And, oh no, wait a minute.

57:50 Guest I gotta work that out.

57:55 Adam I'm trying to weave it into the road.

57:57 Guest I thought it was a new one that I hadn't heard of.

58:00 Drew And had done to him.

58:01 Adam It would have been, it would have been if it worked. It would have been. All right, here's the point, Drew.

58:06 Guest So lame.

58:06 Adam You, here's the whole thing. They should not be able to set foot on your soil. Meanwhile, there's some old lady who's by the side of the 110 being raped because her car's broken down in the tow truck that was meant, that was allocated to go to her, had to go to Drew's house first and help him with his exotic sports car.

58:30 Guest What road is she on?

58:31 Guest Yeah, is that the only option if you're an old lady right down, if the truck doesn't come, you're instantly raiding.

58:38 Adam Not instantly. But after about 15 or 20 minutes.

58:41 Drew Yeah, animals get there, they'll get there.

58:43 Adam That's all right. It's probably got cleaned out by drunk drivers.

58:45 Guest Is that a rapist demo is to drive around and look for broke down old ladies?

58:49 Adam If you watch movies of the week enough. Oh, okay. Yeah, no, you have a choice between being raped.

58:56 Guest Well, there's another service that, yeah.

58:57 Adam Or being clipped by drunk drivers.

58:59 Guest Fix your tire, but we're also gonna rape you.

59:02 Drew Oh man, humiliating.

59:03 Caller Right, wow.

59:04 Adam And Drew, how did he get it? And what do you mean you, the both of you? What did you do?

59:08 Caller Cup is nuts? He didn't do anything.

59:11 Drew We were both searching for it and we had to pull the bottom off the car, we had to unscrew all this.

59:15 Caller Pull the bottom off the car.

59:16 Adam He took that plastic shroud that goes under the car.

59:18 Drew And then it was still under another pan under the engine. It took time.

59:22 Adam All right, well don't drop it. Or get a leash for it.

59:24 Drew I'm putting it next door if I ever add oil. I never add oil to my car again.

59:28 Guest It's all them that do your oils.

59:29 Adam Yeah, they should be doing your oil.

59:31 Guest That's your problem.

59:32 Drew All right, we're calling triple A. Back to Amy, so lame, so embarrassing. So humiliating. Yeah? Amy, you still like me in spite of my humiliating behavior?

59:42 Guest I was actually enjoying your rant very much. I always enjoy your rants.

59:47 Adam All right, Drew doesn't have rants.

59:49 Guest She just cut the word rant into her arm, by the way.

59:51 Drew So you're injecting and cutting, yeah?

59:54 Guest Yeah.

59:54 Adam What's the injection thing? Cause we missed that. The boys are kidding now.

59:59 Drew You have a syringe that you inject stuff with?

1:00:00 Adam Let's focus.

1:00:01 Guest No, you can actually buy them really cheap where I am.

1:00:03 Drew So you use clean syringes every time you do it?

1:00:06 Guest Yeah, I'm actually really scared of blood poisoning.

1:00:08 Drew But then of course you're injecting non-sterile substances into your skin.

1:00:12 Guest No, actually I learned my lesson. I injected a bunch of raid once and I landed in the hospital for a week. So I really don't do that anymore. I actually withdraw blood and stuff.

1:00:22 Guest So how will be-

1:00:23 Drew So this is like a vampiric thing? You're into blood?

1:00:25 Guest No, I don't know why. I just like seeing it in the sink, I guess. I know it's really messed up.

1:00:30 Adam Wait, wait, wait one second. You injected a bunch of raid?

1:00:35 Guest Yeah, that was a few months ago.

1:00:37 Drew How do you get in a liquid form? Raid's sort of a spray.

1:00:39 Guest It's a spray, but if you like spray it in a jar, and then it's strange to just, it's really-

1:00:45 Drew Are you very obsessive-compulsive also?

1:00:47 Guest I don't really know what the symptoms are.

1:00:49 Drew Wait a minute, wait a minute. Do you pull hair and stuff?

1:00:51 Adam Hold on, did you have ants in your liver?

1:00:54 Drew Do you pluck your hair out and that sort of thing?

1:00:57 Guest I like, I'm very obsessive with my tweezers.

1:01:03 Drew This is the behavior of somebody who's very obsessive.

1:01:05 Guest But poison raid, that's like really serious, right? I think that was a suicide attempt.

1:01:10 Guest I don't really remember it.

1:01:12 Guest Are you dying from that technically?

1:01:14 Guest Under their skin or into their veins? I'm confused.

1:01:17 Guest It wasn't in a vein, it was just in the skin luckily and I missed my wrist. I did it in my wrist and my leg and I missed the vein in my wrist by like a centimeter.

1:01:25 Drew Okay, but that was a suicide attempt and you were in sort of a fugue state when you did it, right? Yeah. So that to me implies-

1:01:31 Guest So it was a suicide attempt.

1:01:32 Drew So that implies to me that, you know, a couple things that you probably had some very heavy trauma growing up, right?

1:01:39 Guest My dad used to be alcoholic and I know you're gonna say I knew it or something like that.

1:01:43 Drew No, what kind of stuff did you have to go through?

1:01:45 Guest Where's my bourbon?

1:01:48 Caller Yeah.

1:01:49 Drew Are you bipolar?

1:01:52 Guest My mom was emotionally distant.

1:01:54 Drew Are you bipolar?

1:01:55 Guest She probably is.

1:01:57 Drew No, no, you.

1:01:58 Guest Oh, no, I'm not bipolar. I'm not diagnosed with anything. My parents won't take me to a psychologist.

1:02:02 Guest They won't. But do you have ups and downs like that?

1:02:07 Guest I have ups and downs, but I don't think it's bipolar because I know people who are bipolar and I'm not like.

1:02:13 Drew But after a suicide attempt, you weren't seen by somebody? They weren't required to take you to somebody for help?

1:02:18 Guest My mom didn't want child services in it. And so she was just like, tell them that you did it to get high or something like that.

1:02:24 Guest Why don't they want you to see a psychiatrist?

1:02:27 Guest My mom thinks that if I don't wanna get help, then she thinks it'd be a waste of money. I think she thinks I'm hopeless and I'll get over it.

1:02:35 Drew Wow, Amy, you really need some help with this because these are very dangerous behaviors. And you're sort of describing them as addictive, but really they're compulsive. Compulsive behavior is cutting these...

1:02:45 Guest I know because I'll get in a fight with my mom and I'll do it later that night.

1:02:50 Drew Yeah, well, that's just a way... What this all is, is a bid to try to regulate your feelings. The intensity and the duration of feeling states are unmanageable and you feel overwhelmed. And your brain reaches for whatever mechanism it can get its hands on, quite literally, to help you sort of relieve the very intense feeling state you're in.

1:03:08 Adam Can't you... I mean, your parents are idiots, obviously. Can't you realize that and stop buying for their attention?

1:03:16 Drew Well, not only that, just get yourself some help regardless of what they want.

1:03:19 Guest Are your parents divorced?

1:03:21 No, actually, but they should be.

1:03:24 Guest And how old are you again? I'm sorry.

1:03:26 Drew Are you the only child?

1:03:27 Guest No, I have an older sister.

1:03:29 Drew How's she?

1:03:29 Guest She's very emotionally distant. She'll talk and she'll joke, but she doesn't like to get her... She's very closed. And I think she's depressed, but...

1:03:41 Adam How old is she?

1:03:42 Guest She's 19.

1:03:43 Adam Is she out of the house?

1:03:45 Guest She's at college, but she's going to drop out this year.

1:03:47 Drew Where's she in school?

1:03:49 Guest University of Maryland.

1:03:51 Guest Is your dad still an alcoholic?

1:03:52 Adam Yeah.

1:03:53 Guest Does he still drink?

1:03:55 Guest He gets a drunk now and then, but he's not abusive. One of those people gets really loud. Kind of funny, actually.

1:04:01 Drew Happy drunk.

1:04:02 Adam All right, so listen.

1:04:02 Guest He's a happy drunk, but my mom yells really loud over it.

1:04:05 Adam Amy, your parents are a pain in the ass. You're smarter than they are. They're in denial. You've got a problem. You're smart. You're definitely smart, although that's never stopped anyone from doing stupid things.

1:04:17 Guest I'm also confused. You said your mom said if you don't want help, but did you ever say you didn't want... It sounded to me like you wanted to go to us.

1:04:25 Guest When I told my mom that I was cutting by seeing some scars, and she knew because my sister used to do it, and she just yelled at me, and she's not easy to talk to as a person. All right.

1:04:37 Adam Look, get yourself some help. Can you talk to someone at school?

1:04:41 Guest No.

1:04:43 Guest But don't they have a shrink at school?

1:04:45 Guest No, I go to a poor person's school.

1:04:49 Adam They don't call it that, do they?

1:04:52 Guest Oh, no, it's just we don't have that sort of self. I mean, we have counselors, but they're the kind of counselors that sigh when you walk in.

1:04:58 Adam I know. But look, you can't write everyone off.

1:05:01 Guest They sigh when you... What?

1:05:04 Drew It's good. That's such a...

1:05:09 Guest Put the blade down.

1:05:10 Guest And by the way, turn down the Joy Division.

1:05:12 Adam You think the good ones strike up the band like when you walk through the door?

1:05:16 Caller Like when you go to a bar and you're like, like, there are millions of visitors.

1:05:23 Drew But that shows how sensitive...

1:05:24 Guest That is awful.

1:05:25 Drew But that's how sensitive Amy is to these things. She notices that people are overwhelmed and here comes another one in the door and she sees them sigh.

1:05:32 Adam And when you're depressed, nobody cares.

1:05:34 Caller Nobody's interested.

1:05:35 Drew Find somebody, get a referral, get somebody good, just take care of yourself. Please, Amy, this is very, very serious.

1:05:40 Adam By the way, as a parent, you're two for two with the cutters. Like, well, I got two kids, both cutters. Time to take good look in the mirror.

1:05:50 Guest Might have messed up somewhere along the line.

1:05:52 Adam Yeah, you may have zigged when you should have zagged as a parent, when both kids are cutters. Because that's not just a bad gene. Like, oh, honey, yeah, you gave him the cutting gene. Because, you know, grandpa, there was grandpa cutter.

1:06:06 Guest That sounds like a bad WB sitcom, the cutters.

1:06:09 Guest Is it like an attention thing, normally?

1:06:11 Drew No, it's what we call a bid for affect regulation. They literally can't regulate. Parts of the brain sort of parcel off from parts of other parts, so it can't integrate, it can't regulate. They feel overwhelmed. They just, they do something to get the relief, and they find that extremely intense experiences give them sense of relief. So cutting is one way to get that.

1:06:32 Adam Let's talk to Seth, who's 19.

1:06:36 Guest What's going on, man?

1:06:37 Adam What's happening, Seth?

1:06:38 Guest Hey, I got two questions, actually. I got to make one comment, though. Jimmy Kimmel got in a couple of weeks, so they got into kind of a lot of trouble from comments he made about Detroit.

1:06:49 Drew He's calling from Detroit.

1:06:49 Adam Oh, you're calling from Detroit. That's right.

1:06:52 Guest Yeah. Basically, everything Jimmy said is right.

1:06:57 Guest It is. You guys burn your city down. No offense, but don't you guys burn your city down a lot?

1:07:03 Guest Yeah, we got like a thing before Halloween we call it Devil's Night where we go.

1:07:07 Guest Yeah, I saw the crow.

1:07:10 Guest Is this guy black? Have you heard of the term when hell freezes over?

1:07:15 Adam Yeah, I've heard.

1:07:16 Guest Come to Detroit in January. Come to Detroit in January. Hell is freezing over. All right.

1:07:23 Adam Seth, let me just say this, and this is why in a way it's a relief to be a Los Angelino born and bred in Los Angeles. People say horrible things about Los Angeles, and our self-esteem is so low we disagree with them. Like, you're from Los Angeles, people are like, Oh, Los Angeles, queers and phonies and Hollywood producer types and tree huggers and traffic and Mexicans and fires and earthquakes. And did I mention queers? And you're like, yeah, it sucks. Yeah, you're right.

1:07:55 Caller Yeah, I wish I could get out myself.

1:07:59 Adam You start doing that in front of someone from Chicago or something, they'll take a swing at you. LA is like filled with just super low self-esteem indigenous people.

1:08:09 Caller Yeah, you're right. It sucks.

1:08:11 Adam And LA is filled with, here's what LA is filled with. It's either filled with nationalities that don't even know where they are. I'm convinced a lot of people just know they're in the United States and that's good enough for them.

1:08:21 Drew But they've transported their country to this location, in the desert, in some part of the United States.

1:08:28 Adam That's right. So they've set up their own community here. So whatever, Ethiopia, Mexico, it doesn't matter. They're here. They're here now. So that's fine. And then you have the people that are just, they've been here, they weren't, last time they were in Pittsburgh, there were nine. They're now 49. They still look at themselves as, you know, they're huge Pirate fans, they're huge Steeler fans, they're Pittsburgh, they bleed the black and gold of the Pittsburgh Steelers. But they've been here four times as long as they've been wherever they were. And they really have no, they have no memory.

1:09:02 Drew I was thinking about the Penguins and you.

1:09:03 Adam They have no memory of where they were. And all they know is they love their team and they hate Los Angeles, but yet they're here. And then there's those people. So there's all the people from, and if you get into the business, nobody is from here. Everybody's from Chicago, New York, Boston, New York, tons of Boston, tons of Chicago, New York City. None of them like any of the teams out here. They all love their teams. They all hate Los Angeles. And then there's a handful of people like Drew and I who were born here and our self-esteem. We've been so beaten up by the minorities who don't know where they are and the strong-willed guys from Buffalo that we just sort of hang our heads and admit our town sucks. That's about it. If you'd said something bad about LA., there would have been nothing.

1:09:49 Drew No reaction.

1:09:49 Adam Who's going to react? Well, it's as if you said something bad about the prison you were staying in. What are you going to do? Yeah, we hate the warden. Yeah, yeah, we do too.

1:10:01 Guest He's not nice.

1:10:02 Adam Your prison sucks. Yeah, tell me about it. That's where I'm living.

1:10:06 Drew Although, by the way, we are able to say bad things about Florida and nobody reacts.

1:10:09 Adam Yeah, that's true.

1:10:10 Guest Florida is actually worse than California.

1:10:13 Caller No, it's worse than anyplace.

1:10:15 Adam All right. So, Seth.

1:10:17 Guest Yeah.

1:10:17 Drew Your other question.

1:10:18 Adam From Detroit.

1:10:19 Guest From Detroit. And this time, you'll probably get a kick off, Adam. I think I'm the only black guy that has named Seth.

1:10:25 Adam I was thinking about that. And yeah, there are not a whole lot of Seths.

1:10:28 Drew That's why I asked if his name was Seth. I mean, if he was black.

1:10:31 Adam Also... Hold on, Anderson, stop talking.

1:10:35 Guest Sorry, I was freaking out. He's black Seth. I'm freaking out.

1:10:38 Adam Oh, yeah, there's not a lot of black Seths. I also noted on the show last night that Ross was the most popular name that no one was actually named.

1:10:47 Drew Yeah, except Ross Porter, Ross Perot. Ross, and your last name, Pete, whatever film.

1:10:51 Adam There's nobody name... No one knows anyone named Ross, even though it's a hugely popular name that everyone's aware of.

1:10:57 Guest Ross Marks.

1:10:59 Guest Yeah.

1:11:00 Adam You come up with one guy when you scoot through 500 in your Rolodex, but I mean, there's not that many Rosses.

1:11:05 Guest That's true.

1:11:06 Guest Yeah, you're right.

1:11:07 Adam Even the only Ross on TV is a fictitious Ross from Friends. All right, Seth.

1:11:12 Guest He's not fictitious.

1:11:14 Guest My question was just some tips. I actually got another question too, but the reason why I really called was any main tips of me wanting to get into radio, what kind of advice did you would give?

1:11:27 Drew There's basically, I think, two ways to get into radio. Would you agree, Adam? One is to go to a radio station in Detroit and apply for an internship.

1:11:34 Adam Just show up.

1:11:35 Drew Just show up.

1:11:36 Adam Yeah.

1:11:36 Drew And show enthusiasm and work hard.

1:11:38 Adam You can squat a radio station, but you get there early and you get there often, you'll eventually be the program director because you got there first. It's all about who got there first.

1:11:48 Drew But that isn't typically the way people get to be on air. If you're interested in that...

1:11:52 Adam It'll work.

1:11:53 Drew It can, but on air, typically, historically, people go to some tiny little markets, talk their way on to an overnight shift where they work for free usually for quite some time, generate some tapes of yourself and try to get some better shifts going, and then send those things to program directors around the country. Seth?

1:12:10 Guest There's a broadcasting school in my area.

1:12:13 Drew Don't do that. I've never talked to anybody in this radio station to go to broadcasting school.

1:12:18 Adam Well, there's only two guys that are on the radio on this radio station.

1:12:21 Drew Chris, broadcasting school?

1:12:23 Adam Well, he goes to junior college. A broadcasting school may be in your future, Chris.

1:12:27 Drew Cool.

1:12:29 Adam Just living at home.

1:12:30 Drew Chris, you could use a little...

1:12:32 Guest I had my own show at the junior college.

1:12:34 Adam You did?

1:12:36 Guest The same way it was standup. I mean, I've never met anyone that's taken a standup class. It's never been.

1:12:40 Guest You just show up at a club and start going up and talk about people to stay away from those classes.

1:12:44 Guest Never. And never read a book on standup. Just go on stage, start talking about your dick. Yeah. That's all you do. It's all you do. Or your poo. Or your poo.

1:12:52 Guest Or watch other comedy. Watch comedians and go watch live comedy, see what they do, write what you like.

1:13:00 Guest And just start doing that?

1:13:03 Adam I remember back in the day when I was playing like the deli smoker, open mics, five minutes talking about Patton's dick, you know.

1:13:10 Guest Just people.

1:13:12 Guest Talk about my dick, by the way.

1:13:13 Guest Oh yeah.

1:13:15 Guest That's how Brian got his start.

1:13:16 Guest I have 20 minutes on Patton.

1:13:21 Guest That's what it looks like.

1:13:22 Drew Mostly. They want to do talk radio. I don't know if there's any sort of apprenticeship for talk radio. You know what I mean?

1:13:30 Adam Okay, but here's the thing. There's less mystery and more hard work to all this stuff that seems sort of out there and cosmic and nebulous and all this sort of stuff, which is you want to do stand up, start doing stand up, start waiting in line, start going to open mics, do it wherever you can and do it for free. Radio, show up at a radio station, intern, drive the van, do whatever you can, but never turn down an opportunity and do things for free. And as far as the class, as far as the class stuff goes, okay, but a couple of things. Quiet down with it. Put the finger down, Drew. Put the finger down. It's not time for you to put the finger up yet. Here's the thing. Don't chart your future. People do way too much of this. Start moving forward. Just start getting the boat and start sailing toward the horizon. Don't worry about where the destination is going to be. Just start moving forward. Also nothing hurts. You can take a class. It's fine. It's not going to guarantee anything. It's not going to screw up. You can take an acting class. You can take an improv class. Fingers up. Yes.

1:14:35 Drew Yes, you can. But there's an opportunity cost to all these classes. The more, the broader your experience of life and education, the more you bring to talk, all of comedy, whatever it is. That's why people who are in front of a camera or up behind a mic are not people that studied how to use a microphone. They're people that studied life and human experience and had interesting, interesting experiences.

1:14:54 Guest Right.

1:14:54 Adam But it all becomes a sort of collection that ends up coalescing.

1:15:02 Guest But with comedy, you definitely have to stay away from those schools because you're just going to have to unlearn everything that you learn.

1:15:08 Guest It's a massive waste of your money. And also, people don't understand the other thing the schools teach you that's so wrong is that it's crucial. Your early years, your first five to six years in comedy, you can do, they don't matter. You can do whatever you want. No one will ever hear about it. No one will ever see you. Just try different things out. It doesn't matter. I would say that in any career. Right. If you're writing and making films, just write stuff. No one will ever read it. Just get good. Right.

1:15:35 Adam And it always bothers me a little bit when someone's an actor or comedian or performer and you ask them what they're doing and they're not doing anything. They're just going out on auditions. You got to do stuff. You got to do it for free. You have to do it often. Yeah.

1:15:47 Drew Because you like doing it.

1:15:48 Adam And you have to do it because you're compelled to do it. All right. Now, let's go get some coffee and complain about our huge salaries.

1:15:56 Guest All right?

1:15:57 Drew I think I overdid that whole part. I broadcasted for free for 10 years.

1:16:01 Adam 10 years of free broadcasting.

1:16:03 Guest And my first gig as a comedian, I didn't get paid, but I was just I know I was booked was so exciting.

1:16:09 Guest I was a beer money. It wasn't money you could actually live off of.

1:16:13 Guest It was just my name misspelled in a newspaper somewhere.

1:16:15 Guest Look at that. See, I'm a professional.

1:16:17 Guest I'm literally not getting paid.

1:16:19 Adam Hot comedy traffic school for Lettuce Amuse you.

1:16:22 Guest Oh, oh. I would say poop.

1:18:19 Adam Yeah, hey, two hot young comedians currently work in the LA scene in studio tonight.

1:18:24 Guest Making the scene.

1:18:25 Adam Yeah, making the LA scene. Brian Posehn's here tonight, Patton Oswalt also here tonight. You know, from King of Queens and Just Shoot Me, and of course, the Cranky Anchors, the fabulous, beloved Cranky Anchors.

1:18:39 Drew And his new CD, which we're gonna hear.

1:18:41 Adam Yes.

1:18:41 Drew If we do one more call, then we'll hear him.

1:18:43 Adam Hold on a second, don't cut me off, Drew. I was doing a Cranky Anchor plug there, goddammit. Tuesday Nights on Comedy Central, new season coming up very soon here in July. All right, yes, Feeling Kind of Patton is the name of the new CD. We are gonna hear a little nugget off of it, and then we have to cut it real fast because he drops like the MF.

1:19:07 Guest I get a little Dick Cheney.

1:19:08 Guest He's got a potty mouth.

1:19:09 Guest Yeah.

1:19:11 Adam And you know, speaking of Cheney, found out he was doing a little cussing on the Senate floor or whatever last week. If you think that makes me not like him, you're talking the wrong guy. Like, he's just like, he told another senator to blow him.

1:19:25 Caller And it's like, yeah.

1:19:29 Adam Once in a while, they do stuff like that, and you think, who's this, this, now I didn't like him before.

1:19:35 Guest Yeah, he finally got a check on a good son.

1:19:38 Adam That was nice. Nice, okay, I'm coming around.

1:19:40 Guest Throwing down Wu-Tang style.

1:19:42 Drew All right, good, a human after all.

1:19:43 Adam Yeah, that's all you want. Yeah, like, I don't know why, whenever they try to make news out of someone, especially a politician being anything other than a robot and actually having some feeling or emotional or crying or swearing or something, I don't know who that hurts them with, but no one I know. You know what I mean? When you find out that the guy shed a tear over something or freaked out, blew up on somebody or a little bit of rage.

1:20:08 Guest I remember when the Republicans try to make a big deal about how Kerry called a Secret Service guy a douchebag. Really? He called it, he was like, a douchebag. And then they're like, oh, is it? And then people like Kerry even more. I call people douchebags all the time.

1:20:21 Adam That's a great name.

1:20:21 Guest That's one of my favorite names to call people.

1:20:24 Guest I call my friends douchebag.

1:20:26 Guest Hey, douchebag, what movie are we going to?

1:20:29 Drew Adam calls them douche nozzles.

1:20:31 Adam I was trying to get the douche nozzle, yeah, because to me, that's a Baltimore phrase. You focus on the bag, but the nozzles really the business end. You know what I'm saying?

1:20:42 Guest Yeah, you dump douche nozzles.

1:20:44 Adam Yeah, it's great for behind the wheel. Shake your ass, you douche nozzle. Sounds good. Yeah, yeah. And it also works like, Jesus, Frank, he's still framing the house. He's got a bunch of these Union douche nozzles taking a break every 10 minutes. It works that way.

1:21:06 Guest Yeah, it's the best.

1:21:08 Adam Yeah, yeah, it's nice. All right, so let's try to work douche nozzle and douche bag and let's try to work the entire douche apparatus into our next phone call.

1:21:18 Guest Douche receipt.

1:21:19 Adam But we want to, I don't know if that technically counts. We want to hear a little something from Patton Oswalt.

1:21:24 Drew After the next call.

1:21:25 Adam Yeah, after the next call? Yeah. Where are they? All right, all right, all right. What's wrong? What's wrong with laughing now?

1:21:33 Drew Right now.

1:21:35 Adam Chris, what do you think? You're cool? Anderson, you queued up there?

1:21:38 Drew You ready to jump in at the MF'er?

1:21:41 Guest Yeah, get ready.

1:21:42 Adam The swearing comes at the end.

1:21:44 Drew Great, great set up here, guys. When does that happen exactly?

1:21:47 Guest Why wasn't it fixed over there?

1:21:49 Drew Chris has got it, he's got it.

1:21:51 Adam Chris has it. Here we go.

1:21:52 Drew How does Chris have it?

1:21:53 Guest He has no edit over there.

1:21:54 Drew He's gonna stop it.

1:21:56 Adam He's gonna throw a cup of coffee on the board.

1:22:02 Guest Laugh it up, everybody.

1:22:03 Guest Here's some facts about midgets a lot of you probably don't know. I read this in Discover Magazine.

1:22:08 Guest Don't dispute me.

1:22:10 Guest If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins. You know that? 40 glittering gold coins you can take to the market and buy a fine fat goose for your goodly wife. Also, if you throw a midget into a tub of hot water, he makes sleepy time tea. Oh, isn't that great?

1:22:33 Guest A big tub of chamomile.

1:22:35 Guest Thanks, Mr. Scoops. And then I start cursing.

1:22:39 Adam Oh, I see.

1:22:40 Guest Yeah.

1:22:41 Adam Oh, and then you go into the, you say the N word?

1:22:44 Guest Yeah, it's a very racist album. If you don't like black people, you should get this album. Black people, women and cripples. I don't like them, and that's why I put this album out.

1:22:55 Adam Well, I don't dislike black people, but I do consider myself intolerant. So would I like it?

1:23:02 Guest Oh, you'd listen to it on the treadmill.

1:23:05 Adam Yeah.

1:23:06 Guest It'll get you to your target heart rate, I'll tell you that.

1:23:08 Adam Well, I was really enjoying that. Do you have any other midget facts or trivia about it?

1:23:13 Guest Yeah, what was the third one? That was something Brian and I actually were riffing that in an office one day, and then I took it for my own, because I'm greedy and I only care about myself.

1:23:22 Guest And I was like, I wanted it.

1:23:23 Guest And I said, you know what? But I rushed onto Conan and did that bit.

1:23:27 Guest Yeah, but it wasn't the other one. If you kick a midget in the nuts, he turns into eight squirrels.

1:23:32 Guest Turns into eight squirrels, and they run off. But then.

1:23:34 Guest They scurry away.

1:23:35 Guest And then our friend Jerry said, but be careful, because if you lose a fight to a midget, you become one.

1:23:40 Guest Wow.

1:23:40 Guest Yeah, it's true. Because at the beginning of time, there was only one midget and everyone's like, come on, dude. And I look around, they're everywhere.

1:23:45 Adam It's a good point.

1:23:47 Guest And I go, just walk away. Be the bigger man, literally. Yeah.

1:23:50 Adam How else could there have got more have been gotten here, you know?

1:23:54 Guest I mean, people kept picking fights and midgets can kick your ass.

1:23:58 Adam Well, I've seen their cat.

1:23:59 Guest They are just, they can stop bullets. Yeah. You can't drown them. They can live 14 days underwater.

1:24:06 Adam Oh, really?

1:24:07 Guest Yeah, they can.

1:24:08 Adam Do they?

1:24:09 Guest 14 days.

1:24:09 Adam What's the life, do they live longer?

1:24:12 Drew Oh boy, much, much.

1:24:13 Adam Like into the hundreds of years?

1:24:15 Drew Hundreds, hundreds.

1:24:16 Guest Yeah. I mean, there's like midgets from the Wizard of Oz that are still walking around.

1:24:20 Caller Just medieval midget?

1:24:22 Adam Oh, that's a UPN show.

1:24:23 Guest And they all guard magic shields. If you can get them to tell you where their magic shield is, they'll...

1:24:29 Adam I know, I was thinking about midget years. Yeah, probably should have stopped at a certain point, Pat. That's all right.

1:24:38 Drew We're riffing. That's why I want to take a call.

1:24:40 Adam Well, let me just say this. Let me just say this. I was thinking about midget years when we were talking about this. And then I was thinking about dog years. And I was thinking about, well, you were gone, Drew. Schwarzenegger had this idea about taking from six days to like three days. The worst. The worst. It's not, by the way, it's not one of the six days. He wanted to take dogs and cats that were in kennels and put them to sleep earlier. Yeah, not have them sit around for six days, put them to sleep in three days. And by the way, sort of like cheney swearing, it's such a crazily unpopular stance. I sort of liked him for it. I thought to myself, wow, that's a horrible unpopular stance and that took balls. But anyway, I sort of liked him just for taking a crazy stance. And by the way, he's given up on it. I think Betty White puts some pressure on him.

1:25:31 Guest The very next day he changed his mind. Yeah, he caved.

1:25:33 Adam The next day, yeah, because somebody told him, come on, give me a break.

1:25:36 Guest Well, because they reprogrammed him to be a Terminator for good. Now he protects the dogs and cats.

1:25:40 Adam But here is my argument and it's the argument, I think, I would have used if I was Schwarzenegger, which is, listen.

1:25:48 Drew Yeah, but still.

1:25:49 Adam Well, yes, there is, yeah, but still. But I keep that in my hip pocket for the very end of the game. I would have said, look, it's not, first off, it's not six days, it's like 36 days or 42 days because dog years are seven years to one year. So that ain't six days. I mean, if you got years, you got days. You know what I mean? It breaks down into dog hours and dog minutes. It's not just dog years. It's not like they got a 24-hour day, they got a seven-day week, but seven years equals one.

1:26:21 Guest But they live in our world.

1:26:22 Adam But they got dog years. They got dog years. Do you understand?

1:26:26 Guest They sleep six times in a day.

1:26:28 Adam A 12-year-old dog is 85. So if I was sure, I'd be like, don't look at it as six days, look at it as 42 days being cut down to like 31 days or something like that. You see what I'm saying?

1:26:43 Guest That's the smartest thing that Arnold's ever said. It would have been insane.

1:26:47 Guest Yeah, exactly.

1:26:48 Adam It would have been great if he said that, though, and he was dead serious about it.

1:26:53 Guest Didn't Hitler put forth Jew years or something along the same lines?

1:26:57 Adam I don't know, but I'll tell you right now, he's probably up there in heaven just looking down at us. Again, he made it on a technicality. We talked about it earlier in the show.

1:27:06 Guest Getting a back rub from Amelia Earhart right now.

1:27:08 Adam That's right, Brian, oh, not this Brian, but caller Brian.

1:27:14 Guest Hello?

1:27:14 Adam Caller Brian, you're 24.

1:27:16 Guest Yeah, I'm calling, this is a question for Dr. Drew basically. I met a girl online in March and-

1:27:26 Guest Hello?

1:27:28 Guest Yeah, we got together and we got into a hotel and stuff like that. And I was rubbing around on her kind of like down there. You know, before I actually did the deed, but I put a condom on before we actually had sex, right? But a few days later, I had the burning sensation when I was peeing and stuff like that. And I went to the doctor and it turned out I had chlamydia.

1:27:52 Drew What do you mean you were rubbing around on her? What does that mean?

1:27:54 Guest I was rubbing around down there without the condom on.

1:27:56 Adam With his hand down there.

1:27:57 Drew No, no, with your penis?

1:27:59 Guest With my penis.

1:28:00 Adam Oh, really?

1:28:01 Guest Yeah, before I put the condom on. I didn't put it in, I just kind of rubbed around.

1:28:05 Adam Yeah, no, that's a class move.

1:28:09 Guest And it turned out I got comidia.

1:28:11 Adam Once in a while.

1:28:12 Guest From that, you know.

1:28:13 Drew Well, if the tip, if the erythra tip touches any secretions, you're in.

1:28:18 Adam That's it. It's a Petri dish down there.

1:28:20 Guest I usually do that when they're sleeping.

1:28:23 Adam Well, that's more of a rummaging, isn't it, Brian? It's not rubbing.

1:28:28 Guest And it's not my penis, either. No, but it's more normal.

1:28:32 Guest It's a penis he stole from the morgue.

1:28:34 Adam Yeah, it's more of a raccoon in the dumpster, right?

1:28:39 Drew So, Brian, what is the question?

1:28:40 Adam Yeah.

1:28:41 Guest Well, the question is, I was kind of surprised that I got comidia, and the doctor told me that, well, it was obvious that something got in there, so it's possible that I had HIV, also.

1:28:54 Drew That's hard to find.

1:28:55 Guest I was wondering what the statistics were on, because I know it's harder for males to get HIV.

1:29:01 Adam Listen, Brian, you're fine. You're a straight guy.

1:29:04 Drew You're cool.

1:29:05 Guest No, no, no, no, no, but they told me that I could have it, you know.

1:29:08 Drew Yeah, they are. We all could have it.

1:29:11 Guest Did you get a test?

1:29:13 Guest Oh, I haven't had a test yet, because I'm kind of, you know.

1:29:15 Adam Okay, let me explain something, and this is one way to find out. This is why I don't like all the-

1:29:20 Guest That's a fun two weeks.

1:29:21 Adam The rhetoric around the HIV stuff. Look, the straight guys rarely get it in the United States. You see all these commercials where it's like, yeah, everyone can get it. Everyone has just as great a chance as getting it. As the next guy, it doesn't matter if you're working a glory hole in Africa or just a white insurance adjuster in Omaha. You have the same statistical chance. Yeah, so now all that serves to do is freak the guy out in Omaha. Meanwhile, the guy working the glory hole never hears the guy in commercial. So we're all walking around freaked out like idiots. You're not gonna get it. They just say, it's like secondhand smoke. They just make this stuff up. You're fine. You're a straight guy. You're hooked up. You had some nice straight rummaging around with your penis. You're fine.

1:30:04 Drew Here's the deal. Wear a condom or religiously.

1:30:07 Adam And here's the thing too. Don't bother rubbing your dork all over the vagina and then putting the condom on. This is like wearing a shower cap and putting your head in the toilet before you get in the shower. It's like, what are you doing?

1:30:20 Guest The only thing I just took from that is I'm going to Africa.

1:30:24 Drew With a condom.

1:30:27 Guest You gotta work that glory hole.

1:30:28 Drew Get the HIV test.

1:30:29 Guest Man the glory hole.

1:30:30 Drew And learn, know something about the people you're going to bed with too. Because certainly the way you do put yourself at risk is by sleeping with IV drug users and who knows who this woman is.

1:30:37 Guest Wait a minute, I can get AIDS putting my head in a toilet?

1:30:39 Drew Yeah, yeah, that's what we said. Without a condom.

1:30:41 Guest You lost me in the middle of it.

1:30:42 Drew Without a shower cap, I mean.

1:30:45 Guest Here we go, here we go, moving along.

1:30:46 Adam There's a great, there's a great billboard in West LA that said, it's got a couple of gay guys on there and it said, we didn't come out to smell your secondhand smoke. And it's like 1-800-NO-BUTTS or whatever. First off, the NO-BUTTS with the gay billboard. Someone really needs to think this through. Like they need one straight guy on the panel to raise his hand and actually to be laughing like a maniac.

1:31:12 Caller And by the way, that's pointing.

1:31:14 Adam There's a great, there's a great hand up while laughing posture, you know, head down. You got to get a straight guy on there. And then secondly, listen, don't worry about our straight guy, secondhand smoke.

1:31:31 Caller You guys got bigger fish to fry than that. Name of your parents.

1:31:34 Adam You deal with your parents first, then worry about secondhand smoke.

1:31:37 Caller All right.

1:31:38 Adam Worry about hepatitis C and then worry about your parents and then worry about secondhand smoke. Just focus on that, would you? Jesus Christ.

1:31:48 Caller Yeah, I'm gonna, oh yeah.

1:31:50 Adam Now I'm gonna call the K cigarette hotline to ride out my buddy who was smoking on Santa Monica. Yeah, he's medium height, medium weight guy. Think he may be straight. Yeah, look for him. He'll smell like cigarettes, smell his hand.

1:32:03 Caller Just give him a good beating.

1:32:05 Adam Jesus Christ. What's going on in this city? There's nothing? We got no bigger fish to fry than this? How about the goddamn graffiti that's everywhere?

1:32:13 Drew What the traffic?

1:32:14 Adam How about the traffic? What about the graffiti? How about the particles? By the way, Los Angeles has a airborne particle problem that is a second to Calcutta. And that's about it. I mean, we got serious airborne particle things. We're all gonna die of lung cancer because of that. Listen, homos, don't worry about the secondhand smoke. It's the least of your problems.

1:32:34 Guest Can you even see us right now, Adam? Are we even here right now or are you like on a level of doom that you're just yelling at demons?

1:32:41 Adam I can't take any more talk about second. You know, here's what's going on in this. I swear to God, this is what goes on in Los Angeles. There's graffiti everywhere, there's crime everywhere, and there's dust particles of the size of Frisbees. Nine-year-olds are inhaling. And yet, we gotta have a press conference because we're gonna outlaw smoking on the beach. Really, it's just this overcompensation. We have no problems. We have three of the most congested intersections in the world within a five-mile radius, and we're having press conferences out on the beach because guys are lighting up cigarettes in an 80-knot wind out 100 yards from the shore. Really? This is where our focus is? This is it? What are we doing? Let's get it going. Let's go. Let's break it down. Let's get a hand in. Let's prioritize, people. Am I right? And listen, grab a knee. That helmet, not a chair. All right, gentlemen, here's that term loosely. All right, we gotta take a break. Drew, quiet down.

1:33:40 Drew Come on, ladies.

1:33:41 Adam Start up. That's right, ladies. We'll be right back after this.

1:33:48 Guest So get your problems ready.

1:34:07 Adam I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Dear, dear, dear friends and friends of the show and hot young comedians currently making the LA scene. Patton Oswalt here tonight as well as dear friend and second hot good-looking comedian working the LA scene, Brian Posehn here.

1:34:23 Drew They're recently on a campaign to end secondhand smoke.

1:34:26 Adam Yeah, we gotta get Carrie in office, and these guys are gonna be doing a little fundraiser over at the Knitting Factory over in Hollywood on Wednesday night. It's gonna be an all-star lineup, not nearly the one they had earlier the week before.

1:34:40 Guest But Sarah Silverman will be there, your friend.

1:34:42 Adam Sarah Silverman's gonna be there, dear friend.

1:34:44 Drew Yeah, Adam would be there if he were not being carved on that very same day.

1:34:47 Adam Super funny, yeah, Sarah's great.

1:34:49 Guest Isn't Zach doing it too?

1:34:51 Guest Zach Alifanak is so hilarious. Zach is such a good, the lineup's kind of amazing.

1:34:57 Adam Yeah, yeah, I'll tell you something. There's many stand-ups who suck. These ones don't. The Sarah Silvermans of the world, very funny stand-up. And Zach, very funny.

1:35:10 Guest Man.

1:35:10 Adam It's too bad everyone hates him. Because he's really funny.

1:35:16 Guest He cracks me up.

1:35:17 Adam Yeah, he is great. When he brought his brother on the Kimmel Show and sort of femme brother, coached by Alifanak. Yeah, it's awesome. All right, let's talk to Mike, who's 20. Mike. What's happening?

1:35:38 Guest I've actually got a question for Dr. Drew. Yeah. I'm 20 years old. I've been with eight sexual partners. And I just-

1:35:49 Guest That's awesome.

1:35:50 Drew Wow.

1:35:51 Guest Sorry. I just don't really enjoy sex. My longest relationship, besides the one I'm in now, has been like three weeks.

1:36:02 Drew Uh-huh. So you not only don't enjoy sex, you have trouble with relationships, trouble with intimacy.

1:36:06 Adam It's a good way to entice the ladies, though. Like he probably said that to number seven, you know? Like, I just, I'm not into it. I haven't found anyone to really enjoy it.

1:36:16 Guest You know, guys like this guy, women cannot get enough of.

1:36:19 Adam When they're like, man, I'm just not into it, they're like- Yeah.

1:36:24 Guest I'll change him.

1:36:25 Adam I'll be on your- Yeah, you wait till I see, see what I do to your crank, you'll see.

1:36:31 Guest I wish I could fake that.

1:36:32 Adam Can I do it now?

1:36:33 Guest If I could fake what you've got, dude, oh my God.

1:36:35 Adam Yeah, because no matter how cool my mouth is, I have the smell of desperation, which always gets it away.

1:36:42 Guest I'm like a serial killer at a rest stop, I'm like, you can just smell it on me.

1:36:46 Drew So Mike, what's going on?

1:36:48 Guest My question for you is, is there any reason why or-

1:36:53 Drew Will you tell me, do you have troubled relationships growing up?

1:36:59 Guest Well, my dad abandoned me long ago, can't stand him. And I've just never really had a long-term relationship.

1:37:09 Drew Where's your mom?

1:37:11 Guest My mom, great mom, she raised me.

1:37:14 Adam All right, listen, I'm gonna fall asleep.

1:37:17 Drew All right, the fact is though-

1:37:18 Adam If I don't hear myself rant about second-hand smoke for five minutes, I'll fall asleep.

1:37:23 Drew One is to first of all have a biological assessment to make sure that you don't have a prolactin. So creating a tumor or something is lowering your testosterone level that make you not as sort of driven towards sex as a normal 20-year-old male. The other thing is to look into the emotional health. You might be depressed. That might make it difficult for you. And it may be he has interpersonal issues as well. He may have trouble with intimacy. And finally, he may just need to find the right relationship.

1:37:45 Adam Get some therapy too.

1:37:46 Guest All right, or just take some time off and do not have sex.

1:37:52 Guest Yeah, man, believe me, you'll start to miss it.

1:37:54 Adam Watch Spider-Man 485 times in three days. India.

1:38:02 Guest Is that possible, even?

1:38:04 Guest I think if we could get into a tether act situation where we could fold time in on itself, indeed we could watch Spider-Man 485 times.

1:38:12 Guest Are you done?

1:38:13 Drew India.

1:38:14 Guest Did you make it?

1:38:15 Drew Hi, what's going on? 13.

1:38:16 Adam 13. You've been on hold for 97 minutes, even though it says your dad killed himself when you were three.

1:38:24 Caller Yeah, three months old, actually.

1:38:26 Adam Three months.

1:38:27 Caller Three months old, I don't really know him at all.

1:38:29 Adam All right. Well, let me, there's no good time for a dad to kill himself, but if there was, that would be it.

1:38:34 Drew Yeah.

1:38:35 Guest Yeah, it's best to be knowing him.

1:38:37 Caller And Adam?

1:38:38 Adam Yes.

1:38:38 Guest I love you.

1:38:42 Caller I love you.

1:38:42 Drew Bad sign.

1:38:43 Guest And if you're in control of the world, everything will be so much better.

1:38:46 Drew Oh, my God. I'm so scared. You know?

1:38:52 Adam Now we're out of time. I just want to cry. She's been on the hole for 97 minutes and 17 seconds.

1:38:57 Drew Listen, we got to call you back tomorrow night, OK, India?

1:39:00 Adam Monday.

1:39:01 Drew Sunday. Monday. Oh, Monday.

1:39:03 Adam Oh, we get a day off. Sorry, baby doll. What are you going to do? All right, listen, we got to take a break.

1:39:09 Drew Nothing we can do about it.

1:39:10 Adam There's really nothing Drew could have done in the last 97 and a half minutes, except for take her call at some point during the body of the show. All right, she's 13. She's calling from Idaho. Her dad killed herself and she's fine. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. That's the show.

1:40:02 Drew I just remembered I've been doing these 3 a.m. wake up and do news.

1:40:06 Adam Crimea River, you haven't even been here for a week. What are you talking about? All right. Tomorrow?

1:40:12 Drew Tomorrow morning.

1:40:12 Adam All right, we'll go to bed.

1:40:13 Drew Yeah, right now?

1:40:14 Adam Yeah. No, actually, I think you started about 45 minutes ago. I want to thank some people. I want to thank phone screener Brian for doing a great job. I want to thank the magic fingered one, the Liberace of the Potentiometers, Engineer Anderson, Junior Engineer Chris for doing a great job. Say hi to your mom when you get home. And 27, still living at home. I want to thank Junior, Junior Producer Lauren and Producer Ann and Brian. Somebody missed, of course, Brian and Patton. You can catch those guys this Wednesday at Naming Factory and also get Patton's album. Feeling Kind of Patton is the name of the CD. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying, Mahalo.

1:41:01 Guest If you lose a fight to a midget, you become one.

1:41:03 Adam Wow.

1:41:04 Guest Yeah, it's true.

1:41:08 Guest This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Ann Ingold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Thursday, July 1, 2004