Episode 1000626272119

0:54 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually oriented content. And listener discretion is advised. Loveline with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

1:07 Voiceover Dr. Drew! Phone number, 1-800-LOVE-191. Dr. Drew, board certified physician, Dixon medicine specialist. Oh, my Christ, he's back.

1:16 Drew Wait a minute, I didn't know you'd notice any difference because you do all the work.

1:21 Dr. Bruce I do.

1:22 Drew You carry the show. So what difference does it make if I'm here or I'm not here?

1:25 Dr. Bruce No, it's true.

1:26 Drew Okay, well, there we go.

1:26 Dr. Bruce Why don't you leave? No, that's true, except for it's the part, you know where the work comes, the work comes in A, attempting to steer guys who don't have the radio savvy.

1:40 Drew I don't have that, but you carry me.

1:41 Dr. Bruce No, I know, but here's what you're like. Yeah, you're right. Here's what you're like. You're like a dog who lives near an army base who does nothing, but is used to the shells going off. At least I don't have to chase you around the yard. You're not digging a hole, you can just, you nap through it.

2:02 Drew Not peeing on things, crapping things.

2:03 Dr. Bruce Yeah, you don't do anything, but the shells, the artillery shells, doesn't-

2:06 Drew Don't get in the way, it's my job.

2:08 Dr. Bruce Yeah, you're not chewing anything, you're just going to, you just snap through it. So I don't have to do any work. Now I'll tell you where a lot of the work comes is, first off, you get a rotating cast of doctors in here, and just about the time I get used to saying the one guy's name, the next guy comes in the following. So there's an actual, here's the whole thing about radio, everybody. You talk for two hours, and the idea is not to think. It makes it much easier. Like when, and that's what most radio shows do, and when I say board certified vision, dictionary management, that's easy.

2:41 Drew Filler.

2:41 Dr. Bruce It's filler, we gotta go to the news, we gotta go to the weather. Hey, we got Two for Two's coming up. Let's check in with them, weather, sky cap, blah, blah. That, that's it, eventually, if you can get enough of that, you can put it together in hours. You can build a whole radio show around that. You never, you show up, you be high as a kite.

2:58 Drew You've had an operation since I was here.

3:00 Dr. Bruce Hold on a second. I'm just saying it makes easier. When something changes, you have to remember, like you go, welcome back to Love Line, I'm Adam Carolla, that's Dr. Bruce Hensel. There's a little hiccup, you have to think. For a second, pow, that's what happens.

3:14 Drew You have to think.

3:15 Dr. Bruce You're not on the radio, then you think, where am I? Yeah, you become like a waiter who, someone pipes up and says, what are the specials today? And you go, and the guy goes, we got a Chilean, Christ. You can tell he's got to think now and now he's pissed off. So anyway, it was a week of that. Everyone did a yeoman's job, Alther's always a good guy, and yes, did I learn anything new about Doc Alther and his procedures? Well, his book is a number like 7,055 on Amazon, maybe 70,000 or something like it's crazy at once all the hacked up penises. The picture of the forearm with the penis on it, I think we sort of thought, there's my favorite picture in this book of a genital reassignment is the one where there's a penis being grown on a forearm like a host. I was sort of under the impression that it was there for blood supply and that it was actually being nurtured there. That's very temporary. Just they actually build it in a couple hours and pull it off. I just show it. It sort of seems like, and everyone else, even Bruce Hensel, the doctor looked at it and thought it was there for a couple of weeks. Anyway, the thing that surprises how fast everything goes, the penis is off, the balls are splayed, the chicken is in the pot, souped the nuts, and it's like 45 minutes, they're stuff done. Like, if you're getting gender reassignment and you change your mind, you better do it in the first 30 seconds because you do it in minute 12. Your nuts are in the incinerator. What do you mean? I mean, we're picking out lipstick shades, we're done. Yeah, stuff's getting peeled back, and just the microsurgery that's going on with the blood keeping that thing and then pulling the sack and putting it, and you gotta keep the hair off the sack because that comes in and forms the vagina, and then you can't have hair growing in there.

5:22 Drew Can't have a hairy vagina.

5:23 Dr. Bruce Well, think about the sack. Think about mine looks like a Chinaman's beard. Imagine what would be going on inside of there. Yeah, all right. So yes, surgery, Drew was asking me about.

5:34 Drew Let's see the excision sites.

5:38 Dr. Bruce Yeah, I had the surgery, get my head to quit sweating so much. Yeah, I just worked out so I'm all sweaty. So I got the one here and the one here, and then one in my armpit, and then one halfway down my rib cage, and I got the other one on the other side.

5:50 Drew Did it with an endoscope?

5:51 Dr. Bruce I don't know.

5:51 Drew They put a scope inside you, look around.

5:53 Dr. Bruce I don't sweat the details, but let me tell you this. I got a few things to say about it.

5:57 Drew Did they let you leave your underwear on?

6:00 Dr. Bruce No, no, they did not.

6:01 Drew Did you make a big deal about that?

6:02 Dr. Bruce Yes. I'll tell you what I made a big, I'll tell you what I did. And this is something that we've talked about on this show a few times. Stuff we're done with and stuff we're not done with, which is there's inventions we keep moving forward with, like bottle openers and can openers and stuff like, okay, that's good enough. We're done. We had one that worked a long time ago. Now, the paint can, for instance, which has remained unchanged since 1855, where you bang the metal lid on it, it gets bent, it gets crusty and the paint builds up. Paint builds up in the trough. Somebody could work on that. Feel free to work on that.

6:40 Drew They changed the oil cans. Plastic bottles, Adam.

6:43 Dr. Bruce Somebody finally put a screw cap on the thing, so you could be a human being, instead of ramming that sharp spout into the thing with the cardboard and having it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. The point is, there's certain things we keep working on that we could leave alone, and then there's other things. Somebody did that thing that the dealers, when they changed dealers in Vegas, you know, I'm done, and that was 100 years ago, the hospital gown.

7:08 Drew Oh yeah.

7:09 Dr. Bruce As I was standing, you know, they do that thing, they give you the bag, you put your clothes in here, put your, here's the gown, we're gonna need to take everything off, and I said, everything? Yeah, my underpants? Yeah, we're gonna need it. Yeah, okay, and then we're gonna need to put the gown on. And the first off, it's all the sort of one size fits all thing, and you put it, I'm convinced the hospital gown is there so you don't try to make a break for it.

7:32 Drew Yeah, basically.

7:33 Dr. Bruce Because you, when you're in this thing, you feel like you could be, you're exposed, you're exposed to the world. Like, if you ran outside of this building, your nuts would hit you in the face, you'd be tackled by cops, your legs would be a kimono.

7:48 Drew You'd look like a mad man just walking around.

7:50 Dr. Bruce Yes, yes. It's made for you to walk, you have to shuffle your feet. You can't even bend your knees when you walk with this thing. You're scared something's gonna hang out. So anyway, they give you the gown, you pull the thing on, and then I found myself doing that thing where I'm trying to tie the bow with the thing, and then I do that thing where I'm looking in the mirror, and I'm looking over my shoulder, and I'm staring at my hairy crack, and I'm doing that thing, you know when you look in the mirror, you get inverted, you get backwards, and I'm tying, and then I get to the point where I yank the whole thing around to the side of my neck so I can get the thing, and then about 11 minutes into that, steam starts coming out of my ears. Like, what, no bathrobe? There's just, so I went out there, and of course, you know, all the Taiwanese nurses, they're all Filipino or whatever. And I'm like, look, has this thing changed since the Civil War? Are we done with this? Is this done?

8:46 Dr. Bruce Who signed off on this?

8:48 Dr. Bruce Who said there could be no modifications made to this?

8:51 Dr. Bruce It's perfect.

8:52 Dr. Bruce It's the perfect device. It could never be improved. And really, this ain't 70 years old. This is 170 years old.

9:01 Dr. Bruce And it sucked.

9:03 Dr. Bruce It sucked in the pre-Civil War days when it was originally designed. It sucks now. I can't get my hand, I can't tie the thing. My ass is hanging out. I'm gonna strangle myself with the collar. I'm gonna be climbing into this gurney. You, I hope you Asian broads like nuts cause here they come. Got a nice serving of hot nuts. You guys fly United, first class, you get a cup of hot nuts. That's, it's gonna be like that. There's gonna be a lot of nut. There'll be a lot of nut and some shriveled penis cause I'm a little nervous. Lot of nut, mostly nut in some, mostly sack and some penis coming. There's gonna be a lot of hair. So it's gonna be confusing. You really need to focus. Maybe a little gas will escape if you're lucky. I'll be crawling on here. Listen, you guys focus on the bed. I'm gonna be focusing on trying to keep the gown pushed down between the legs as we adjust. You guys all be at my feet, by the way.

9:57 Drew Yeah, looking at the nuts.

9:58 Dr. Bruce Yeah, you guys all be in position to experience the sack. I'll be attempting to get in thing. But meanwhile, the things will be pulling around and my ass cheeks gonna hang out like, but no underpants. Cause those could spontaneously go up in flames. You wouldn't want that happening.

10:14 Drew But these cotton of...

10:16 Dr. Bruce Oh yeah. Yeah, I mean, anyone, cotton, first rate killer.

10:20 Drew Yeah, of course.

10:21 Dr. Bruce I can't imagine all the deaths on the operating table from underpants just exploding into flames spontaneously before some proud pioneer installed this piece of legislation that said I had to give it up. So I-

10:36 Drew You go home the same day?

10:38 Dr. Bruce Yeah, well, that's all that I wanted to go home. Like, when I woke up, I was, I don't want to get out here, doctor wants to talk, doctors do a lot. Okay, here's the other thing, too, I've realized. Okay, first off, I had that thing where the chick next to me started freaking out, which is always a bad scene. You know, she started coming out, chicks are lightweight, so she started coming out of her thing and she, ah, mom, she'll scream for her mom and like kicking. People, you know, then the crazy Filipino nurses come over and they're like, you stop now, you know, and then she's like, I'm on, and there's like some struggling and you hear stuff getting knocked over and I'm just like, hello, this is uncomfortable. Hello, maybe I should send my nuts over. Yeah, I'd like to go home. And then I was like, the doctor's gonna need to, I know, here's the whole thing. And then this is, okay, I want to say this to you, Drew, you're a doctor. I don't need to talk to him. I need to go home. If you got something, I've heard it all.

11:35 I've heard it all. I've heard it all.

11:37 Dr. Bruce Call me later, call me later. Let me get the F out of here. But the doctor's gonna want to-

11:40 Drew You're gonna drive yourself home.

11:41 Dr. Bruce And all, no, but I could have. All the doctor stuff, it's always repetition. And here's the other thing, too. All these guys, all the hospitals, they got one mode, by the way, and they kept saying to me, you don't seem nervous. You don't seem nervous. And it's a whole succession of people coming by wanting to know why you're not more nervous or why you're not more agitated. I just tell people, look, if I'm going to sleep, I don't care if I die. It's not that big. I don't care if I don't know it, I don't care. I really mean it. You put me under, do what you want. Make a gay porn and then a snuff film, fine. Sell it to Blockbuster. I don't care. I'm going under. I don't care. Now you tell me I gotta get myself a little root canal and I'm gonna be around for a couple hours to nice and lucid to experience the grinds, the sounds, all the great stuff that goes along with it that I care about. You put me to sleep, do what you want. So they put me to sleep, they gave me this thing, woke up, felt like a mule kicked me in the sternum.

12:42 Drew Oh, really?

12:43 Dr. Bruce Oh yeah, yeah, but I still, I just, what? I just wanted to get out of there. Here's the other thing too. Listen, and I don't know what you do over there, Drew, but they got the little, you want something to eat? Because they tell you, don't eat. You can't eat the night before, you can't eat that morning, you can't drink, you can't eat. By the time you come out of the thing, it's 1.30 in the afternoon, you're going on 19 hours of not eating. And then it's like, would you like something to eat? Would you like some crackers? Yeah, you get the saltines in the packet. Yeah. Really? Just send one of the nurses out going to Nilla Wafer Run or something. You know, it's the center of the market. You gotta grab some crackers. Not the stuff you got with the soup at the diner. You know, and it's like you're sort of half high and you're trying to break open the saltines and you crush one of them in the process.

13:38 Drew And your mouth is dry from the medication and now you're trying to chew crackers.

13:41 Dr. Bruce When's the last time you enjoyed a saltine but past the age of nine? You know, just go get some goddamn crackers. This is the kind of, by the way, the guy was great, everything was great, everything worked out. Everything was beautiful.

13:53 Drew Who doesn't sweat?

13:54 Dr. Bruce It's crazy, Drew. It's crazy. This is bone dry, bone dry. Here's the thing. I just worked out. I just worked out. My head's bone dry. Where are you?

14:03 Drew Are you sweating other places?

14:03 Dr. Bruce Yeah, I sweat everywhere.

14:04 Drew Like a normal person?

14:06 Dr. Bruce Yeah, like a normal person. My head's bone dry. It's crazy.

14:08 Drew Now I'm gonna change your emotional life anyway. Cause now you're a sympathetic blockade.

14:12 Dr. Bruce I left my wife.

14:14 Drew Oh man.

14:15 Dr. Bruce I started dating a 19 year old.

14:16 Drew Wow, it makes a huge difference.

14:18 Dr. Bruce I got a convertible. Wow.

14:20 Drew You're gay.

14:21 Dr. Bruce I've always wanted to sing. I started singing.

14:23 Dr. Bruce Whoa.

14:23 Dr. Bruce Yeah, I've really, I'm a new man, Drew.

14:25 Dr. Bruce You've been gone for a week.

14:27 Dr. Bruce Chris, now I've been, the last 20 minutes each show, it's been song request.

14:33 Dr. Bruce What, Chris, what?

14:34 Dr. Bruce All right.

14:35 Dr. Bruce He's fine.

14:36 Drew Yeah, he's a different man now.

14:37 Dr. Bruce I'm a new man. I'm a confident man.

14:39 Dr. Bruce All right, here's all I'm saying. At doctors, everybody, good. You gotta do better in saltines. You gotta do better in saltines.

14:47 Drew And better in the gown, got it.

14:48 Dr. Bruce Triscuits and the gown, the gown. Or let me have the underpants. Or here's some brave pioneer, invent a pair of underpants that can be worn during surgery.

14:58 Drew Hospital underpants, something like that.

15:01 Dr. Bruce Yeah, yeah, yeah, there you go.

15:03 Dr. Bruce There you go. And by the way, how much old man sack do you guys really need to see?

15:09 Drew Yeah, you have the overflowing sack, too, so.

15:12 Dr. Bruce Yeah, cascading sack.

15:13 Drew Oh my God, I'm just imagining.

15:15 Dr. Bruce A lot of sack.

15:15 Drew A lot of people running for cover.

15:17 Dr. Bruce I'm sure the nurses are still.

15:18 Drew I bet that hospital will be the pioneer in the new gowns.

15:22 Dr. Bruce Let me tell you after. After my 20 minutes soliloquy in the hall with the ass hanging out in front of crazy gesticulations, arms flying, nurses not knowing what the hell I'm talking about.

15:37 Dr. Bruce Yeah, it's great.

15:40 Dr. Bruce Amy?

15:41 Adam Yes?

15:41 Dr. Bruce You're 16?

15:43 Adam Yes.

15:43 Dr. Bruce What's up?

15:45 Adam Okay, well, I have a problem, you know? It's more like a question than thing. You see, I was dating this one guy and I have a question. Can you get pregnant from doing it from the back?

16:00 Drew You mean doggy style?

16:03 Adam Yeah.

16:04 Drew Or do you mean anal sex?

16:05 Adam Yeah, that, anal. Yeah.

16:08 Drew Can you get pregnant from anal? How would that work? How would that happen?

16:12 Adam Well, like, you know, regular, doing it from the back.

16:17 Drew Now, how would the sperm get to your uterus?

16:20 Adam Oh, I don't know. I'm just asking, can you?

16:23 Dr. Bruce All right. Hey, Amy.

16:25 Adam Yes?

16:25 Dr. Bruce She had Crohn's disease. First thing.

16:27 Drew She does?

16:29 Dr. Bruce Do you have Crohn's?

16:29 Drew Oh, if she had Crohn's, if she had fistulas, yeah.

16:31 Dr. Bruce Oh, if you had fistulas. Amy.

16:34 Adam Yes?

16:35 Dr. Bruce First thing I need to do is, are you out of school now? But you'll be going back in the fall?

16:42 Adam Yes.

16:42 Dr. Bruce I need to find your health teacher. I need you to walk up to him like you want to shake his hand, and then I need you to throw a karate style knee right to the groin. And when he keels over, drop the double-fisted hand right on the back of his head, and look at him, and then spin on him while he's reeling on the ground.

17:01 Drew Put it in him somewhere.

17:01 Dr. Bruce And yell, you failed me.

17:03 Dr. Bruce You failed me horribly.

17:05 Adam No, no, I never took health, though.

17:07 Dr. Bruce Oh.

17:07 Adam I never took health.

17:08 Drew Well, then he failed you by not insisting that you take health.

17:11 Dr. Bruce I need you to, the next time you see your dad, I need you to extend your hand as if you're shaking it. Where is your dad?

17:19 Adam My dad's in Florida right now, and I'm just with his mom.

17:23 Drew I was thinking to myself, Arizona? She's in Arizona? It sounds so Floridian.

17:28 Dr. Bruce What is your dad doing in Florida?

17:30 Adam He lives in Florida. My parents are divorced, and I'm with my mom.

17:35 Dr. Bruce All right. Well, listen, baby doll, no, you can't get pregnant via the...

17:42 Adam OK, yeah, but see, this is one main concern. How the heck is it that I'm two weeks late?

17:49 Drew You can be late in your period and not be pregnant. It's the most common reason for a late period, and you certainly can get a pregnancy test to be sure, because God knows maybe something leaked out or got in his hands or who knows what he was doing to you.

18:01 Dr. Bruce Do you have anal sex exclusively, or do you have any regular sex?

18:08 Adam No, you see, OK, I only had that one... I only did it that one time, only from the anal, not from the front.

18:15 Drew Why did you do it that way?

18:17 Adam Because I'm a very religious person, and I believe, you know, best save it, you know, for when you really need it. I'm very religious that way, and I believe, period.

18:27 Drew Let's just take that in.

18:29 Dr. Bruce No, this is...

18:32 Adam No, this is...

18:33 Dr. Bruce OK, what I'm going to need you to do, Amy, is when you go to church on Sunday, I need you to walk up to the Reverend's hand. I'm going to walk up, and I need you to extend your hand to him, like you want to shake his hand, and I'm going to need you to knee him to the groin, and when he keels over, I want you to drop an elbow on the back of his neck, right where the spine goes across there, and then kick him once in the stomach, and then spit on him, and yell, you failed me horribly. And then, I want you to look up at Jesus on the cross.

19:04 Drew He'll be crying at that point.

19:05 Dr. Bruce He'll be crying, and I want you to make a fist, and yell, you're next. Is this bogus, or are you that dumb?

19:18 Adam What do you mean, am I that dumb?

19:21 Drew How dare you, Adam? How dare you?

19:24 Dr. Bruce This is insane. What is your religion, by the way?

19:27 Adam I'm Catholic.

19:29 Dr. Bruce And you're a virgin? That has had anal sex?

19:37 Adam Are you still a virgin if you have anal sex? What?

19:41 Dr. Bruce No. All right. If this was a guy, you would think it was Bo.

19:48 Drew I know, but it's real, I think. Here's the deal. You're technically still a virgin, but virginity is not a technicality. And you've been very sexual and are no longer chaste. So the whole idea of virginity and modesty does not apply.

20:05 Dr. Bruce The Lord is very upset. Very upset.

20:08 Adam Oh, my God, you have to be kidding.

20:11 Dr. Bruce No, I never kid when it comes to fairy tales and guys in diapers with beards.

20:16 Dr. Bruce Oh, my God.

20:17 Dr. Bruce He's very upset.

20:20 Adam I am very upset now.

20:22 Dr. Bruce You sound ruined, baby.

20:25 Adam Oh, God.

20:26 Dr. Bruce All right. This is bogus. Would you please just tell us this is bogus so we can get on with our lives?

20:31 Adam Okay, this is bogus.

20:34 Drew Thank you. Thank you, Amy.

20:35 Dr. Bruce She had a little... There's probably a guy putting her up to it.

20:40 Drew Of course. But she was good. Entertaining enough.

20:43 Dr. Bruce She seemed stupid. Did her dad live in Florida?

20:47 Drew That's good.

20:48 Dr. Bruce Do you think her dad really lived in Florida?

20:49 Drew Let's ask.

20:51 Dr. Bruce Amy?

20:51 Adam Yeah?

20:52 Dr. Bruce Does your dad really live in Florida?

20:54 Adam Yeah, he lives in Miami.

20:56 Drew And who's the guy that put you up to this?

20:58 Adam My boyfriend.

21:01 Drew All right, there we go.

21:04 Dr. Bruce This is the whole thing. There are no women bogus callers. There are women bogus puppet callers.

21:11 Drew Actresses.

21:12 Dr. Bruce They're actresses.

21:12 Drew They're not bogus callers.

21:14 Dr. Bruce They're guys. There's always a man behind it.

21:16 Drew Who casted the role and gave him the script. That's right. I'm sure a boyfriend's going, Amy, you are funny. You know what? We got to have you. Here's what we're going to do, Amy. I got a plan. Guys always got plans for their girlfriends.

21:27 Dr. Bruce And believe me, he's going to use this as a segue too. It's going to be like, that was funny about the anal sex call. Man, wouldn't it be weird if we did do it that way? You know, speaking of anal, yeah, he's going to use that stepping stone.

21:45 Drew Males are diabolical.

21:46 Dr. Bruce Brandon? You're 16? All right. Hold on a second.

21:51 Drew Really? I'm sure he actually probably had a little war room discussion beforehand. The models of him and the phone and us.

21:57 Dr. Bruce Drew? How was, we can talk to Brandon for a second, but we got to go to break. But how was Boston?

22:02 Drew Fabulous.

22:03 Dr. Bruce It was a good time?

22:03 Drew It was a very good time. Weather good?

22:06 Dr. Bruce What were we there for?

22:07 Drew Six days?

22:08 Dr. Bruce Five days?

22:08 Drew I wasn't on the Cape a lot of the time. I went to Washington quickly. You went to the Cape? Cape Cod, yeah. I went to Nantucket.

22:15 Dr. Bruce You know, it's weird growing up out in North Hollywood, all the Capes and the Tuckets and the Amarthas Vineyards.

22:22 Drew Might as well be England in 1750.

22:24 Dr. Bruce Even further away.

22:25 Drew It's like the Dickens novel or something.

22:28 Dr. Bruce I can guarantee that everyone, first off, I can guarantee it never came up. Like in the Corolla House, the Capes and the Vineyards and the things, it never, it didn't exist as far as I knew. I didn't ever heard about it until I was like in...

22:43 Drew I'm not sure there is anything further away from North Hollywood in terms of spiritually.

22:48 Dr. Bruce Yeah, you heard about it. Once in a while, there's like some sort of Kennedy compound discussion, but that was just some sort of fairy tale. It was like Valhalla or something, I didn't even know. And the discussion of anyone... We never knew anybody, never heard of anybody. There was somebody who lived in Philadelphia that was like, that's as far away and as exotic as it ever got. And I don't think I ever even knew until four years ago. Like, I still couldn't find these places on the map, I'll tell you where they were. All right, so you did the Cape, the Cape Cod, and you were in Boston for a while.

23:23 Drew In Nantucket, then Washington, back. My daughter was in ice skating competitions.

23:27 Dr. Bruce Yeah, how'd she do?

23:27 Drew They just killed, they just creamed her. Well, she was in an ice theater troupe, and so we were with a group of families. We had a lot of fun. It was good.

23:35 Dr. Bruce Did your wife drive everyone nuts?

23:37 Drew No, no, she was very good. She had really good times.

23:39 Dr. Bruce All right, you must have darted her. We'll take ourselves a quick break. Our guest tonight, Dr. Drew, everybody, in the hissy. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

23:49 Thank you for calling Loveline.

23:51 Adam Your call will be answered in the order it seems interesting.

23:59 Dr. Bruce As many as one in three Americans with HIV don't know it, to find a testing location near you, call toll free, 1-866-344-K-N-O-W.

24:20 Dr. Bruce Well rested, well healed.

24:22 Drew So what about the emotional? We're gonna finish our discussion about surgery here. Yeah. Are you aware of any emotional?

24:29 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

24:29 Drew What, what?

24:31 Dr. Bruce I'll tell you, I've been on the brink of like a nervous breakdown, like the last, like from the time I got my surgery till about 20 minutes ago.

24:42 Drew Does that mean like anxiety or? What does that mean?

24:44 Dr. Bruce Like angry, irritable, moody, super irritable. Nothing's going right. Why can't people, you know?

24:50 So what's different than a bunch of Fikenin?

24:53 Dr. Bruce No, usually, usually I'm just, you know, it's just a lot of smoke and mirrors. This time I mean it. Like I'm driving everyone nuts around me. I've been like depressed and angry. I was, I was taking too much, I was taking too much Fikenin and stuff too. I was, I wasn't sleeping right. I was getting up. I had surgery.

25:13 Drew You should have just sleep apnea correct at the same time.

25:15 Dr. Bruce I got up at, I got up Sunday morning at 5.45.

25:21 Drew Jumped out of bed. Surgery was Monday, Saturday?

25:23 Dr. Bruce Saturday, about one in the afternoon. I got up at 5.45 Sunday morning and started hanging doors at my house.

25:30 Drew That's smart.

25:31 Dr. Bruce Like a maniac. And then just went all the way through and then started getting all moody and depressed and irritable. Yeah. It's weird.

25:39 Drew We gotta look at what they did here.

25:41 Dr. Bruce Drew's gonna find out what they did to me. Brandon?

25:46 Drew Yes.

25:47 Dr. Bruce You're 16?

25:49 Drew Yes.

25:49 Dr. Bruce What's up? Oh, the other thing too is my hernia started flaring out of control.

25:54 Drew Oh, you're gonna love getting that corrected.

25:55 Dr. Bruce I'm going Wednesday. I gotta go.

25:59 Drew That's fine. You do have to go, but you're not coming back here Wednesday night.

26:01 Dr. Bruce I'll be here.

26:02 Drew You will not be here with Adam.

26:04 Dr. Bruce Adam, seriously.

26:11 Dr. Bruce I dropped my shorts. Dr. Hensel last night went, you better get going now. I will make a phone call tomorrow kind of thing. Yeah, you know what I figured out? I've had my hernia for like 10 years, hasn't made a move. My hernia thought it was getting surgery Saturday. And I realized it was like, you know when you open a can of tuna and your dog thinks it's dog food and your dog's like, here we go. Oh, we're eating? It's time to eat. My hernia, you know, I must've started getting like the ether and the gas and the stuff and the gown and my hernia was like, oh, that's about time, take care of this. That's why we need the underpants taken.

26:49 Drew Have you met with a surgeon yet?

26:51 Dr. Bruce I met with your guy about four or five months ago or maybe three, four months ago. And he told me in the next few months, it's gonna be time. And this whole thing just got, it made its move. The last couple of days, it's game on.

27:08 Drew This coming Wednesday.

27:09 Dr. Bruce Yeah, cause it's gonna break now.

27:10 Drew Why don't you do it like tomorrow or it's Friday?

27:13 Dr. Bruce The guy's-

27:13 Drew Do Friday.

27:14 Dr. Bruce The guy, I can't tell him when to do it.

27:16 Drew Did you call to ask for a day?

27:18 Dr. Bruce Yeah, it took him two days to call me back. Could have been dead. Could have answered the phone dead. Hello? Hey, yeah, we'd like this guy. It's too late, I'm dead. Wow, you're quite articulate.

27:29 Drew This, you gonna do it at the Huntington?

27:32 Dr. Bruce I don't know.

27:32 Drew Oh, I'm gonna love this. I'm gonna go for this here. Please. This is not fun. I had the bilateral double hernia then last year. It was a bad time.

27:40 Dr. Bruce I know, but I got a higher threshold.

27:42 Drew Yeah, just take that night off, seriously.

27:44 Dr. Bruce All right, well.

27:45 Drew At least the one night. I think I came in the second night. I think I came in the second night. Yeah. Hey, Drew. Yeah. When you were gone, Adam was impersonating you, doing opera and singing. He said you were bitching quite a bit, and that's what that was. When you got your hernia.

27:56 Dr. Bruce My balls hurt, they'll never heal.

28:00 Drew Quite funny. It was good. It sounds like me. That wrapped my surgery about.

28:05 Dr. Bruce Yeah, Drew's really built me up for this. And I don't know, can you get two procedures done in like 10 days?

28:11 Drew Yeah, I wonder about that. Yeah.

28:14 Dr. Bruce Listen, I always land on my feet, buddy. Brandon? You're 16?

28:19 Right.

28:20 Dr. Bruce What's happening?

28:22 I think I have a masturbation problem. Like, on average, I do it four times a day. Sometimes I get like seven times a day and my penis starts getting sore. And I wonder if that can have any issues later in life.

28:38 Drew We're having only boga calls tonight?

28:41 Dr. Bruce Yeah. Why don't you slow it down a little then, jackass?

28:46 Drew Only boga calls. Yep, there we go.

28:48 Dr. Bruce Yeah, with all these, you know, whenever a call, a guy goes, I keep beating off and my hulker starts bleeding, but I do it again anyway. Is that gonna hurt me for, is it gonna fall off or?

29:05 Drew No question, what'd you call for?

29:07 Dr. Bruce Yeah, it's equivalent to saying, it's equivalent to saying like, I take a ballpoint pen and I grind it into my wrist and I don't stop and it starts turning red and then it starts bleeding.

29:16 Drew I can't feel my wrist.

29:17 Dr. Bruce Now it starts hurting.

29:19 Dr. Bruce Is that bad?

29:20 Dr. Bruce Yeah, yeah, idiots. Steven?

29:24 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

29:24 Dr. Bruce You're 21?

29:25 Yeah.

29:26 Drew What's up?

29:28 Dr. Bruce He's getting into another book.

29:31 Dr. Bruce What do you want?

29:32 I'm just wondering if the penis has to be a certain length to get a girl pregnant. No.

29:37 Dr. Bruce It doesn't?

29:38 Drew No.

29:39 Dr. Bruce I was reading somewhere online that it has to reach into the cervix or something.

29:42 Drew No, it doesn't.

29:43 Dr. Bruce Sperm does the swimming, right?

29:44 Drew By the way, the cervix in some women is about a second knuckle deep.

29:49 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

29:50 Oh.

29:50 Dr. Bruce Yeah, especially if you make the fist, you'll...

29:53 Yeah.

29:54 Drew No, no.

29:54 Dr. Bruce Oh, I see. I do the fist thing. Steven?

29:59 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

29:59 Dr. Bruce Why, how big's your penis?

30:00 Dr. Bruce About four and a half inches.

30:02 Dr. Bruce How many?

30:03 Dr. Bruce Four and a half. All right, that's fine.

30:05 Dr. Bruce You can keep people pregnant. You're having a hard time? Are you trying to get someone pregnant?

30:14 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

30:15 Drew Why?

30:16 Dr. Bruce It just, we just want a baby.

30:17 Drew Okay. Maybe God thinks you don't need a baby.

30:23 Dr. Bruce How old is your girlfriend?

30:25 Dr. Bruce She's 17. She's about 17.

30:28 Drew Old maid.

30:29 Dr. Bruce Does she want a baby?

30:31 Dr. Bruce When she's pregnant at 17? Yeah, she does.

30:38 Dr. Bruce You know me, you know, Steven, I don't judge. You can't judge. You know why I don't? Yeah, I don't judge because I can't because everything's the same and everything's beautiful. Nothing's bad. All cultures are fantastic and all actions are the same. But this is a effing stupid. I don't know what you're doing, but I'm guessing you could be doing more. You could make more money. You'd have a better career. You'd be better educated. You drive a nicer truck. I was gonna say car.

31:04 Drew No, no.

31:05 Dr. Bruce I'm going with truck.

31:06 Drew Watch it now.

31:07 Dr. Bruce You guys, you could own your own home. Steven?

31:10 Dr. Bruce Right.

31:11 Dr. Bruce Do you work?

31:12 Dr. Bruce Do you work?

31:13 Dr. Bruce Yeah, I work.

31:14 Dr. Bruce Where do you work?

31:15 Dr. Bruce I work at a car wash. Unless you own, and I was gonna say a car wash, but 10 car washes. I don't want to hear about it. What do you do at the car wash?

31:26 Dr. Bruce I'm a mechanic. Mechanic at the car wash.

31:28 Drew You operate the actual machinery at the car wash?

31:30 Dr. Bruce Keep the machinery going?

31:32 Dr. Bruce No, I don't work on, I work on cars.

31:34 Dr. Bruce At the car wash.

31:35 Yeah, we have a shop there too.

31:37 Drew Oil changing.

31:38 Dr. Bruce What are you bringing down an hour?

31:40 An hour, I make commission.

31:43 Dr. Bruce How much you make in a week?

31:45 Dr. Bruce A week, probably about 800, 900 dollars.

31:47 Dr. Bruce All right, that's fine for a 21 year old, but it's not enough for daddy. You need to do better than that. And she's 17. She shouldn't be raising anything at 17. Get her an ant farm.

32:00 Drew I don't know what the age of consent is in Texas, but it may also be illegal, by the way.

32:05 Dr. Bruce Here's the thing. Look, here, your kid, here's what your kid is like. Your kid is like an art project. And at 17, you're not a good artist. So what is your project gonna look like when you're done with it?

32:21 Drew That's right, before you've trained.

32:22 Dr. Bruce It's gonna be crappy. It's not gonna look good. It's gonna get a, give it a D, D minus. You know what I'm saying?

32:28 Drew Yeah, what did your art look like when you were five?

32:30 Dr. Bruce You're a sculptor. You're gonna sculpt this-

32:32 Drew A person.

32:33 Dr. Bruce You are gonna sculpt a person and you're not much of an artist at 17. You are gonna make the world's crampiest ashtray. That's what you're gonna end up with. And will the ashtray work? Can you put a cigarette in it? And is it gonna end up in jail? Maybe not. But would it be better if you waited 10 years and you got a little training and learned what you were doing? Of course. So why do it? Why screw it up at 17?

33:02 Drew So he clipped one of the ganglion along the side here is this the deal?

33:07 Dr. Bruce He put some probe in each side of my chest and went right down the middle, no, the front part.

33:14 Drew Yeah, but see these sympathetic ganglions here that run around the spine?

33:18 Dr. Bruce Yeah, I don't.

33:18 Drew Is that what he went for?

33:19 Dr. Bruce I don't know what he went for. He burnt something out. He showed me a picture. It's red. Well, here's the thing, too. Your high is a kite. Like, you've been under, it feels like you got into a boating accident and basically you woke up in the hospital, you know? And then they're showing you a picture, your guts. And it's like, by the way, could have been just a, could have been a picture, could have been a hysterectomy, he was showing me a picture of. And he was like, you see what we did here? We took this. Okay, listen, I'm, okay. How about, what about the saltines? What about those? Didn't I get a penny and a half worth saltines? The other thing they give it to you, okay.

34:02 Dr. Bruce Don't get me going.

34:04 Dr. Bruce The juice. They give you the one in the, they give you the one in the pouch. Yeah.

34:08 Drew The little apple. The pouch, the pouch is good.

34:10 Dr. Bruce The pouch, but it was like between the saltines and the thing you're sucking on with the straw in the pouch, it's like, okay, when's nap time? When's play time over? It's like, hey, you got anything for the adults over here? And by the way, it's Saturday. I might be drinking a beer at this time anyway. If ever I could use a brew. It would be now. How about you pop a Michelob light over there? Is it? When I get home. I mean, look, if you can, I'm drinking on a plane, now's the time. You know what I'm saying? I could use a smoke and a nip right now. Those are the adults.

34:50 Drew You smoked immediately as soon as you got home, didn't you?

34:52 Dr. Bruce No, the juice and the, no, I'm gonna smoke till the middle of the night.

34:58 Drew Oh, okay, four hours later.

34:59 Dr. Bruce That's my thing. No, I don't, I smoke till 1230 at night.

35:03 Drew Yeah, but that same night you smoked, right?

35:05 Dr. Bruce Oh, yeah.

35:05 Drew Yeah, what was that?

35:06 Dr. Bruce Yeah, I had some glass of wine, a little, that was fine. All right, where are we talking to, Drew? Oh, I got it, yeah. Chris?

35:16 Dr. Bruce Yeah, this is Chris.

35:17 Dr. Bruce How about giving a patient a beer every once in a while? Cool, you'd be the cool doc.

35:22 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

35:22 Dr. Bruce What's happening, Chris? You're 22?

35:25 Drew I'm a narc doc, though.

35:26 Dr. Bruce Yeah, 22, just got back from Iraq in December.

35:30 Dr. Bruce Mm-hmm.

35:31 Dr. Bruce Served with the 4th Infantry Division over there, and I've been having some problems just kind of dealing with everyday life, I guess.

35:38 Dr. Bruce Yeah, what did you do over there in Iraq?

35:41 Dr. Bruce I was in the infantry.

35:43 Dr. Bruce Mm-hmm, did you see some action?

35:45 Dr. Bruce Yeah, I saw some action.

35:46 Dr. Bruce Did most everybody who was over there in the infantry see action?

35:54 Dr. Bruce Not everybody, at least most parts. If you were over there for more than six months, you're going to see it eventually, I mean.

36:01 Dr. Bruce That's just the name of the game.

36:02 Dr. Bruce That's your business.

36:03 Dr. Bruce And how long were you there for?

36:05 Dr. Bruce I was there for six months, from April to September.

36:09 Dr. Bruce Why did they send you back?

36:12 Dr. Bruce I was actually supposed to get out in May of 2003, but they extended me for the stop loss and extended me six months for the war.

36:19 Dr. Bruce I see. And now you're having a post-traumatic stress disorder or something?

36:26 Dr. Bruce I'm not really sure what it is. It's just like every once in a while, if I'm not on the highway, not in the car, I get a general fear of roads. I just get this scary feeling. And like I hear fireworks and I get all freaked out. If I hear the Disneyland fireworks go off at night, I get all freaked out. I think it's mortars or something like that.

36:46 Dr. Bruce Well, you know, especially the road there, I can imagine, because most everybody was ambushed. I mean, most of the casualties were on the roads, right?

36:55 Dr. Bruce Yeah, roads and checkpoints.

36:56 Dr. Bruce Yeah, so driving down the road.

36:58 Drew Must've been horrible.

36:59 Dr. Bruce Yeah, it's been freaky thinking you're in someone's crosshairs the whole time and they got some, you know. Yeah, I know, but you do, because you're here and you're thinking about it.

37:10 Dr. Bruce Right, oh yeah, now I am.

37:12 Drew Well, but before you were too, you just learned to live with it and it sort of affects your brain and it's sort of the state it's in. And it's the state of hypervigilance and hyperstimulation and yeah, do you have night terrors and that sort of thing? You wake up in a sweat? Yeah? Does the military offer you any sort of opportunity for treatment for that? Because you're really-

37:32 Dr. Bruce Yeah, they do with the VA.

37:34 Drew You might want to check it out because you're not describing a full blown syndrome, but you're definitely have features of it, which is phobias of the kinds of circumstances that you were exposed to, night terrors, anxiety, irritability, depression. And then flashbacks. This is all part of post-traumatic stress disorder. And to some extent, you're supposed to get some of that. You were in these incredible circumstances. It takes a while to get over that.

37:56 Dr. Bruce Yeah, it probably, you wouldn't be alive if you didn't come back a little bit freaked out.

38:01 Drew Yeah.

38:01 Dr. Bruce So go to the VA and avail yourself of other services.

38:05 Drew Well, if there's one thing VA knows how to handle, it's PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder, because that's what everyone comes back with. And hopefully it'll be something that'll just kind of pass. There's various ways of classifying it, but most of these get better by themselves.

38:18 Dr. Bruce All right, we'll take ourselves a little break. When we come back.

38:22 Drew We're gonna get a fantastic call.

38:24 Dr. Bruce We'll get a fantastic call after this. Drew. Guess how many terrific sense acts deodorant body spray comes in? No, it's more. No, more. Yo, it's Loveline. Phone number 1-800-LLVE-191. Patton Oswalt is gonna be in here tomorrow night, as well as Brian Posehn. One guy is really tall, the other guy is really short. You'd recognize them if you saw them. They're very funny, and they'll be in here tomorrow night, and I'm not sure what they're plugging, but we'll find that out then. Step and just do this one thing, just this one little thing, hold on.

39:32 Dr. Bruce I wanna know about my vagina.

39:35 Dr. Bruce That's them everybody.

39:37 Dr. Bruce All right, Drew, back in the hissy. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1, and we'll speak to Ross. Ross is one of these names, by the way. There's certain names that are popular names, except for no one's named it. Ross is that name. Ross, you're a very popular name.

39:57 Drew Everyone knows of Ross.

39:58 Dr. Bruce And then it's like, well, there's the fictitious Ross from Friends.

40:03 Drew And that's it. It was Ross Porter.

40:07 Dr. Bruce There was Ross Porter, who was an announcer for the Dodgers for some years.

40:12 Drew That can't be a real name.

40:15 Dr. Bruce The point is, is I know everyone's thinking of a Ross right now, but is there a more popular or more well-known name that no one has named other than Ross? Do you know a Ross? Is there any Rosses? How does that work? How does it get out?

40:33 Drew It's one of those words, too, that if you keep repeating it, it loses its meaning.

40:37 Dr. Bruce Ross, Ross.

40:41 Dr. Bruce Yeah, it starts bleeding in the next one.

40:43 Dr. Bruce Yeah, I know a guy named Sarr.

40:45 Dr. Bruce No, no, that was the S from the Ross before, and then you ended it with the R from the beginning, the third Ross. Yeah, it must have a great publicist, Ross, because it's the world's most popular name, except for no one is named Ross. Ross. You're 26?

41:04 Dr. Bruce Yes, I am.

41:05 Dr. Bruce Do you know any other Rosses?

41:08 Dr. Bruce Ross Perot.

41:10 Dr. Bruce There's a Ross.

41:11 Drew Touche.

41:12 Dr. Bruce He's 90, 96 years old, but there's a Ross.

41:15 Drew My 11 year old son said Touche to me the other day. Wow. He goes, ah, Touche. Where'd you get that?

41:21 Dr. Bruce Picked it up from you. Go ahead, Ross.

41:24 Dr. Bruce Yeah, well, I had four general piercings, four penal piercings to be exact, an ampoules, an opendravia, a phrenom, and a Prince Albert.

41:35 Dr. Bruce Yeah, what's the, what's the Robbie one?

41:37 Dr. Bruce The which one?

41:38 Drew Opendravia?

41:39 Dr. Bruce Opendravia?

41:41 Dr. Bruce Opendravia goes-

41:42 Drew Sounds like a prison in Iraq.

41:44 Dr. Bruce Yeah, it goes up and down through the head.

41:47 Drew Oh, that's a good time.

41:48 Dr. Bruce What's it named after?

41:50 Dr. Bruce Actually, no clue.

41:52 Dr. Bruce Really?

41:53 Dr. Bruce I'd have to call my friend, I wouldn't know off the top of my head.

41:56 Dr. Bruce So that just goes straight through the head, up and down?

41:59 Dr. Bruce Yeah, it goes straight through the head. It actually glances through the urethra. So over time, you actually dribble out of both, both piercing holes as well as your urethra.

42:11 Dr. Bruce When you say both, you mean the top and the bottom one? Yeah. Really? And if you put your finger over the end of your urethra, it would just spray up and spray down?

42:21 Dr. Bruce Yeah, exactly. Good times.

42:24 Dr. Bruce Yeah. You see, Ross.

42:27 Dr. Bruce I find peeing in the sink a lot easier than anything else.

42:29 Dr. Bruce Well, hey, you know what? I was about to dig into Ross, but-

42:33 Drew It's a brother.

42:34 Dr. Bruce Yeah, we're one. Yeah, if we're Indians, we do that handshake thing where we do that, we both look at each other. Our hands shake, we shake so hard, you know? Yeah. All right, listen, obviously something's wrong with you for putting all these holes in your penis, but get to your question.

42:50 Dr. Bruce Okay, well, my Prince Albert, I started stretching it and stretching it and stretching it, and eventually the piercing was the size of almost a big pen, and I woke up one day and the jewelry had migrated. Which left the end of it split.

43:06 Drew Florida, yeah.

43:08 Dr. Bruce Beautiful, right?

43:10 Dr. Bruce The penis had, so the jewelry was gone, which meant your penis had broke out?

43:13 Dr. Bruce Yeah, basically it had rejected the jewelry, which left a split from where the piercing originated all the way to the end of the urethra, leaving a open split.

43:25 Drew How far would you say, give me the distance?

43:28 Dr. Bruce A little bit more than a quarter of an inch.

43:33 Drew So you said sort of a flap at the end of your penis.

43:36 Dr. Bruce Yeah, it was kind of like glabia.

43:38 Drew Yeah, right, right, okay.

43:40 Dr. Bruce Okay, and so it exposed all those nerve endings, which makes it really, really sensitive. So if you're getting like fellatio, Fragatus. Then it just makes it unbearable. Yeah, all right.

43:52 Dr. Bruce Well, I'm sure they'll deaden up as the years wear on.

43:56 Dr. Bruce It's been three, three and a half years.

43:58 Drew Put a condom on.

43:59 Dr. Bruce Hold on. Yeah, but still. That's how you use it. That's how you use it, yeah, but still in the sentence.

44:05 Drew So what's the question?

44:06 Dr. Bruce Is there any way like a plastic surgeon or somebody can sew that sucker back up? Might need to take a laser and, you know, glue it back together?

44:15 Dr. Bruce I'll tell you, after having a Dr. Alter out here, I'm really-

44:20 Dr. Bruce I tried to call when he was there, but I couldn't get through.

44:23 Dr. Bruce You know, this guy turns coffee mugs into functioning vaginas. I mean, there's nothing-

44:28 Drew So he could turn Ross's penis into a vagina, but he couldn't turn it back into a penis?

44:32 Dr. Bruce I'm sure he could make one hell of a broad out of you, Ross. Yeah, beautiful. I would try to get hold of someone like that and get a consultation.

44:41 Drew Yeah, it's gonna be difficult. Again, the guy down here is, what's his first name?

44:45 Dr. Bruce Oh, the Indian guy?

44:46 Drew I don't know, what's Alter?

44:47 Dr. Bruce Oh, Garry Alter.

44:48 Drew Garry Alter does that kind of thing specifically. But I don't know what you gain by sowing everything back together.

44:54 Dr. Bruce Well, here, I'll tell you what. You're in Sacramento. You're gonna have to either head north to San Francisco.

45:00 Drew To Alaska?

45:01 Dr. Bruce North through Alaska.

45:03 Dr. Bruce No, wait a minute. Is San Francisco past Sacramento?

45:06 Drew It's just no. Yes, yes, a little further north.

45:08 Dr. Bruce A little further north, yeah. More west. You're gonna have to head into town, is what I'm saying. But I'll bet Frisco, not a bad spot, there's gotta be a couple of crackpot doctors over there that focus on the junk.

45:22 Drew I just don't see what he's gonna gain from that. I'd be very surprised if the sensitivity was actually significantly improved.

45:28 Dr. Bruce Do not put a pox on his penis, Drew. Let him head in.

45:33 Drew He poxed it himself.

45:34 Dr. Bruce I know. And listen, all you screwballs putting all your bolts through your joint, please.

45:39 Drew Really?

45:39 Dr. Bruce Use your brain. All right, go talk to a, go talk, go to San Francisco, find a guy and talk to him. Mike?

45:45 Yeah.

45:46 Dr. Bruce 19, Germany or Florida?

45:48 All right. This man was desperate for a drink, so he decides to mix gasoline and milk. Well, ends up he gets sick and throws up in the fireplace, burning himself severely. Germany or Florida?

46:01 Drew That's a good one.

46:02 Dr. Bruce It's a good one. It feels, it feels made up. It really does.

46:08 Drew Let's just say Germany.

46:09 Dr. Bruce We're going Germany, though.

46:11 Yeah, it's Germany. It's actually, I heard it on Bob and Tom. They said they got off to Drudge Report.

46:17 Dr. Bruce If you heard it on Bob and Tom, then it's got to be true. Most news organizations go to Bob and Tom when they're looking for facts. When they're doing their fact checkers, we'll go to Bob and Tom to see if they can confirm things. So if you heard on Bob and Tom, it is. It happened. Yeah. If Bob and Tom said Dr. Drew died in a plane crash on his way home from Boston, you wouldn't be here. You would have to go back and do it. All right. We will take ourselves a little break. We're going to get on the computer and figure out who Bob and Tom are. And we'll be right back after this.

46:53 Dr. Bruce Alright guys, here's the deal. Looking to hook up?

46:55 Dr. Bruce Call the Dateline.

46:56 Dr. Bruce Sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

46:58 Dr. Bruce Call the Dateline.

46:59 Dr. Bruce One call is all you need to make.

47:00 Dr. Bruce Call the Dateline. 1-877-889-DATE. You know what I'm saying, I'm dead! This hour...

47:45 Dr. Bruce I'm Adam Nuts, Dr. Brew, over there. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Oh, it's good to have Dr. Drew back in the studio.

47:57 Drew You're just saying that.

47:58 Dr. Bruce No, no, I just, you know, it's just, you know what? You're like comfort food, you know? Well, sure, it's not that good, it's not good for you. But you know what?

48:10 Dr. Bruce It works for you.

48:11 Dr. Bruce You recognize it, you know what it is. Really, saltines, saltines.

48:16 Drew It's like a good grilled cheese sandwich.

48:18 Dr. Bruce Saltines at the operating room in the individual saltines. Did you just grab those at the diner or? No one's head out and get some triscuits? No, not gonna do that. Well, what'd the operation cost? 7,500 bucks?

48:37 Drew I think there's actually, the food has to go through dietary kind of thing. The way the institutional stuff's evaluated.

48:44 Dr. Bruce It's gotta be. And by the way, who decided, they fed me saltine for that I had this little operation. Who decided saltines was that you needed to be punished after an operation? Who decided, first off, I once heard medically that there's nothing worse than a saltine. It is, here's what saltine is. It's tons of salt, hence the salt in the tin. It is just pure raw bleached flour, like the flour that's been stripped of any nutrients at all. It's a bunch of shortening and maybe a little bit of sugar. It's all the stuff you're not supposed to eat packed into one wafer. It just, there's like zero redeeming nutritional value in a saltine. It's just, it's just calories. You couldn't do worse than a saltine if you're feeding, flan, flan is better.

49:40 Drew The flan is better?

49:41 Dr. Bruce Flan would, flan is better for you.

49:44 Drew How about the candy shaped like a cactus that's so popular in Mexico?

49:48 Dr. Bruce Even that, even that would be better. Even that better. I don't think nutritionally saltine is down way, way like next to gummy bear and mayonnaise packet on the nutrition pyramid. Like saltine, lard, salt, flour, shortening, that's it. Who decided that this is the staple of choice when you're recovering from something? Oh, hey, hey, you're not feeling good? You should eat something that you would never eat normally because it's really that bad for you. And you haven't eaten since you're in the third grade. Here you go, eat some of these. We're trying to nurse you back to health by giving you something that's not very good for you. And it tastes like ass and now you'll be, you'll have, you'll be like a mini little dust bowl inside your mouth. So here you go, here's some of these. Oh, I have, I know you're still drugged up. Enjoy struggling with the packet, by the way. You'll be crushing them, by the way, as you take them, attempt to take them out of the packet.

50:45 Drew Get all of your lovely gown.

50:46 Dr. Bruce There you go, there you go. No, no, no triscuits? No wheat thins? Nothing like that. Why are saltines? Why? I know you could get a metric ton of them for $1.75, but other than that, I really, I did. I heard a nutritionist say about the worst thing you could ever do is just drink diet soda and eat saltines.

51:08 Drew There you go. Good times.

51:10 Dr. Bruce All right, we'll serve them at the hospital though. That'll be the cracker of choice. Cindy? Why the saltine, Drew?

51:19 Drew Why? Because salt, when you're dehydrated is good. And when you're trying to get calories in any way possible, that tends to be an efficient way to get it in.

51:28 Dr. Bruce The wheat thins got enough salt in them. With their plenty chock full of sodium. Go ahead, Cindy.

51:34 Okay, this question is for Dr. Drew. I enjoy anal sex, but I always get bladder infections afterwards.

51:43 Drew Why is it Cindy's time being mentioned, anal sex, everything that follows is funny?

51:47 Dr. Bruce I don't know why either.

51:48 Drew She just says, but. They were like, but.

51:54 I'm not complaining about the feeling, I'm just complaining about the after effects. Which are? The urinary tract infection.

52:03 Drew And you're getting that from anal sex, not from intercourse?

52:06 Well, it all kind of all happens in one night.

52:09 Drew Well, what you're doing there is tracking some of the debris from the anal activity forward.

52:15 Do you think using a condom would help?

52:18 Drew Yes, you do condom after changing condoms after the anal activity.

52:23 Dr. Bruce Let me tell you something, Cindy, order is everything.

52:26 Drew Yeah.

52:27 Dr. Bruce Everything.

52:29 Well, I'd like even like souring in between, but I guess the condom, I think, would do.

52:34 Dr. Bruce When do you, do you start with the vaginal intercourse and then go ahead to the anal, or is it the other way around?

52:42 Yes.

52:42 Drew You start with vaginal.

52:45 Dr. Bruce That's a good thing. But the, so the urinary problem is vaginal sex, and I'm guessing it's vigorous.

52:57 Dr. Bruce That's a big thumbs up.

53:00 Dr. Bruce And because I'll tell you, the guys who, the anal guys are passionate men.

53:05 Drew No, I'm passionate. Those are aggressive men.

53:07 Dr. Bruce Okay, but here's the whole thing. Just the straight intercourse, vaginal intercourse is, yeah, they got to crank it up a notch.

53:16 Drew These are the guys. I actually think those guys have like deficiencies and their ability to experience arousal. They have to have super arousal to feel okay.

53:25 Dr. Bruce Yeah, these are like the guys who go to the Indian restaurant, got to get everything super boiling, super spicy hot in order just to taste anything. And to the regular guys, it's a distraction. That's too much. It overtakes. No, no, you got a beautiful dish. You got a beautiful curry dish here. I can't taste the chicken. I can't taste the noodles or anything. No, it just seems like one big ball of lava.

53:51 Drew In fact, all you're thinking about is how your mouth's burning.

53:53 Dr. Bruce Yeah, like this is uncomfortable. But yeah, they need everything turned up to 10, otherwise they don't know they're alive.

53:59 Drew Yeah, and that may be where the infection's coming from.

54:01 Dr. Bruce All right, so Cindy.

54:02 Drew The vigorousness.

54:04 Dr. Bruce Cindy. Have him dial it down a notch with the intercourse and then go sick with the anal. You heard me.

54:19 Drew That's Adam talking.

54:21 Dr. Bruce Well, I'm just saying he's got to reel it in a little with the vaginal.

54:25 Drew He's got to be careful. Yeah, that's urethra's up front, okay? Right. And so what you're coming up against there is what causes the infection. And whether it's his hand or the penis, whatever, it's got to all be clean and not too vigorous, as Adam says.

54:37 Dr. Bruce Yeah, yeah, I like those guys who just do the vengeance. It's like a penis weapon.

54:45 Drew Yeah.

54:45 Dr. Bruce Basically, yeah, the penis is like the warhead. My ass is the missile that's driving it. You know, my body would be like the the delivery device. It's like the sub or the silo.

55:02 Dr. Bruce All right, Erica.

55:04 Drew Yeah. And by the way, if she continues to get your attractor infection, some women have to use antibiotics every time they have sex.

55:10 Dr. Bruce That's me.

55:11 Drew Erica?

55:11 Caller Yeah.

55:12 Dr. Bruce You're 26? What's up?

55:17 Caller I have noticed that I have excessive blood clots when I have my period.

55:24 Drew Have a good times.

55:25 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

55:26 Caller Yeah.

55:27 Drew What do you mean excessive?

55:29 Caller Well, I mean, I've noticed that they've just seemed to be getting bigger and bigger. And I guess yesterday I had one that was probably about the size of a half dollar.

55:37 Drew Oh, that's actually not that big, believe it or not. And maybe for her, but there can be a lot worse.

55:45 Caller I mean, I've never had that before. And I have an IUD in.

55:50 Dr. Bruce That's it?

55:51 Caller It's supposedly, it's in the wrong spot.

55:53 Drew Well, there you go.

55:54 Caller And that, is that what's causing it?

55:56 Drew Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

55:57 Dr. Bruce How do you know, by the way, that where does the blood clot come out?

56:04 Dr. Bruce What do you mean?

56:05 Drew It's on the tampon.

56:06 Dr. Bruce It's on the tampon?

56:07 Caller Yeah, but if you wear, like if you wear pads, I mean, when you use the washers, it comes out.

56:12 Dr. Bruce Like a Rorschach test, yeah. Yeah, on the pad. That's right.

56:17 Drew You're right there, buddy. Oh, Chris just lost it there. Yeah, he almost barfed.

56:22 Dr. Bruce Speaking of pads, when are you moving out of your mom's pad? And into your own tampon, Chris? Yeah? Soon. Soon?

56:30 Drew You better learn how to turn the mic down before you.

56:33 Dr. Bruce He's talking into a mic. It's not plugged in. Yeah?

56:36 Dr. Bruce That's how it goes.

56:38 Drew All right.

56:40 Dr. Bruce I'll just remind you. Talking into a Nerf microphone.

56:45 Drew But, Erica, the fact that it's clots, some women have clots all the time, and they can be quite substantial. It's really an issue of how many tampons you're using a day. You're soaking through them, that kind of thing that makes it a really significant issue. But in your case, it's a change. You also have an IUD, and you know it's in the wrong spot. It's irritating the lining of the uterus, and that's why the extra blood formation. And then you need to get that taken care of.

57:06 Dr. Bruce All right, let's talk to Megan. Oops.

57:09 Drew That's Erica. Yeah.

57:11 Dr. Bruce Megan?

57:12 Dr. Bruce Yeah, hi.

57:13 Dr. Bruce You're 27?

57:14 Dr. Bruce Mm-hmm.

57:15 Dr. Bruce What's up, baby doll?

57:17 Dr. Bruce Well, I just recently had a surgery. I actually recently had two. But I first, I had an abscess on the rectum.

57:26 Drew Oh, it's like Adam had.

57:28 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

57:28 Dr. Bruce Very painful.

57:29 Drew Nice.

57:29 Dr. Bruce I had a carbuncle.

57:31 Drew So it's an abscess, basically. Same thing.

57:33 Dr. Bruce Yeah. I didn't have to have surgery.

57:34 Drew Yeah, but you did surgery on yourself.

57:37 Dr. Bruce That's right. Because I'm a renaissance man. Go ahead, Megan.

57:41 Dr. Bruce I guess it was from a boil. And-

57:43 Dr. Bruce Did, now, when you say surgery, did they have to lance it? Were there stitches involved? They pack it. What do they pack it with?

57:54 Drew New gauze. Yeah, it's a little gauze with a strip sticking out. It looks like a wick sticking out the end.

58:01 Dr. Bruce So that it can be pulled out? Or so that it can drain?

58:04 Drew Repack it. Yeah, so it drains.

58:06 Dr. Bruce I got it pulled out after my first surgery and oh, hurt really bad.

58:10 Dr. Bruce Oh, yeah, listen, I could have fixed that thing for you by lancing it.

58:16 Drew They packed it, basically.

58:17 Dr. Bruce Oh, I got put to sleep and everything, the surgery.

58:20 Dr. Bruce They did.

58:20 Dr. Bruce They lanced it.

58:21 Dr. Bruce And by the way, by the way, you can tip the guy at the Starbucks for bringing out the medium decaf. Go ahead and tip the guy, pack the boil on the rectum.

58:32 Drew That would never happen.

58:33 Dr. Bruce I know, but I'm just saying, if there is tipping going on, that's the guy whose palm needs just a little bit of greasing.

58:42 Drew Only if he serves you food.

58:43 Dr. Bruce Yeah, did you get some saltines?

58:46 Adam Yes, yes.

58:48 Dr. Bruce Actually, after the second surgery. But the first surgery, the first thing I got was Jell-O.

58:52 Dr. Bruce Yeah, there you go.

58:53 Dr. Bruce Orange Jell-O.

58:53 Dr. Bruce All right, now hold on a second now, Megan. You're getting me fired up. I really think the only food that's worse for you than saltines would be Jell-O. And, by the way, I've not seen, not had, not a micron of saltine or a piece of Jell-O has passed my lips in 30 years.

59:18 Drew Yeah, I know.

59:19 Dr. Bruce Why all of a sudden do we have to have this stuff crammed up our ass? Why can't they just say to you? Yeah, it's right up there with the gown.

59:27 Drew With the gowns, yeah, I agree with you.

59:28 Dr. Bruce How about this? All the tests that go on, all the stuff that goes on, all the chest x-rays and the blood tests and all the workups and all the paperwork and everything's in triplicate, all the stuff that goes on, all the hoops that need to be jumped through before you do any kind of surgery anymore. How about they say to you, what do you like? You Paps Blue Ribbon man? You domestic or import man? What do you like? All right, forget the booze part, but you like a saltine or what do you like? You like a Nilla Wafer? How about one of them Petridge Farm cookies? Oh, everyone likes them, one with the little chocolate in them with the mint.

1:00:09 Drew And by the way, what do they do in other countries?

1:00:12 Dr. Bruce Look at them crap, yeah, get green jello and saltines.

1:00:14 Drew Japan, you get a saltine if you have a colonoscopy or whatever.

1:00:17 Dr. Bruce Probably get a nice piece of fish. Here's the thing, really the only thing that would make this experience worse is the green jello and the saltines. Now I'm in hell. I was in pain, now I've been broken. Yeah, how about someone just grabs a bag of the Petridge Farms and gives you that and how about a little chocolate milk and some of that?

1:00:36 Drew Right, it's not even the Petridge Farms as much as, how about something with flavor?

1:00:42 Dr. Bruce Give me something I recognize.

1:00:43 Drew Yeah, right.

1:00:44 Dr. Bruce And by the way, what do you think I'm gonna do? Eat one of those nice Girl Scout cookies and start clutching my heart flat line? You're gonna have to get the crash card in there? Really, is that gonna kill me if I eat something? Is there something about it, something tasting good that's gonna send me to the grave?

1:01:00 Drew Right, that's the point.

1:01:01 Dr. Bruce Go down the goddamn 7-Eleven and get something. Just get something I recognize. How about you just give me a Baby Ruth bar? Let's give a couple of, how about a Snickers bar? There you go, it's got, it's chock full of peanuts. How about a Snickers bar and an orange juice?

1:01:17 Dr. Bruce I think it'd be all right with that.

1:01:19 Dr. Bruce Okay, just something, go get something. Megan?

1:01:23 Drew Yes?

1:01:23 Yes?

1:01:24 Dr. Bruce Sorry, sorry about the jello you had to have.

1:01:27 Dr. Bruce Soft pretzel or something.

1:01:29 Drew Ooh, you're on to something.

1:01:31 Dr. Bruce With a little mustard on there.

1:01:33 Drew No, listen.

1:01:34 Dr. Bruce Pop it in the microwave.

1:01:35 Drew If you were Wetzel's Pretzels or something like that, there's a whole lot of business there for you.

1:01:39 Dr. Bruce Deliver them to the hospitals.

1:01:40 Dr. Bruce Soft pretzel, yeah. And by the way, you would never enjoy it like you would, you'd be like, oh. Like you eat one at the airports, like, oh, who cares? You're angry, you're in a rush or whatever. Maybe someone will give you a nice soft pretzel. That's right. You'd do it like you'd do the ballpark. Hot dog.

1:01:59 Drew Genius.

1:01:59 Dr. Bruce Oh, Drew, you would go insane if they gave you a piece of pizza, right? Decent slab of pizza.

1:02:04 Drew Possibly you couldn't tolerate that.

1:02:06 Dr. Bruce I could.

1:02:07 Drew I could. We'll have the heavyweight meals.

1:02:10 Dr. Bruce Go ahead, baby doll. So you had the ass surgery two times.

1:02:14 Drew Yeah.

1:02:15 Dr. Bruce Same area, I mean, same trouble spot. Same spot. It filled up again?

1:02:21 Dr. Bruce The abscess was the size of a golf ball. And at the second time, I guess it was just the size of his thumbnail, so a little bit smaller, but it was inside. You know, he had to go past the muscle and everything. It was fist shield tracked.

1:02:33 Dr. Bruce So the golf ball was inside, not outside?

1:02:37 Dr. Bruce The golf ball was partly inside. I could see it a lot. Yeah.

1:02:42 Dr. Bruce It hurts. It rubs on the other cheek when you walk, right?

1:02:45 Dr. Bruce It was terrible. I had a hard time even walking to the emergency room.

1:02:51 Dr. Bruce I know, and no sympathy. No sympathy from the co-workers, by the way.

1:02:55 Dr. Bruce I couldn't sit in the wheelchair either.

1:02:58 Dr. Bruce It's terrible. All ass-related pain just falls on deaf ears. Be able to slip back. I know. All right, I feel for you, but what's the question?

1:03:10 Dr. Bruce My question is about anal sex, of course. I know you're doing a question about that tonight. But I was wondering, should I just quit that altogether? Or should I stop for like six to eight weeks while I'm recovering?

1:03:24 Dr. Bruce How long did the doctor say to stay off your anus?

1:03:26 Dr. Bruce He just said that most of the rest may be two weeks, but I would be probably totally healed in six weeks.

1:03:37 Drew Wait, what is the question?

1:03:38 Dr. Bruce She wants anal sex.

1:03:40 Drew That's probably how you got these problems.

1:03:43 Dr. Bruce Really?

1:03:44 Drew Oh yeah.

1:03:45 Yeah.

1:03:45 Dr. Bruce He may have been in the wrong hole.

1:03:46 Drew Listen, when people ask me what are the medical consequences, I put fistulas and abscesses on the list, and hemorrhoids and sphincter primates. Really?

1:03:54 Dr. Bruce The doctor told me that. I thought the surgeon was telling me that.

1:03:56 Drew Did you tell him you were having anal sex?

1:03:59 Dr. Bruce No.

1:04:01 Dr. Bruce He saw it. You're probably wearing a nice sweater and a long skirt, and he just sort of, he seemed like, he probably thought it was off your menu.

1:04:10 Drew Forget about off the menu. You'd be amazed at how people, if you just bring things up that are potentially on the list, people freak out.

1:04:19 Dr. Bruce Oh, really?

1:04:19 Drew If you're not an anal sex type and the doctor brings it up, it's how dare you? What are you thinking? And so, Megan, you gotta give him a couple of clues if that's what you're interested in.

1:04:28 Dr. Bruce Tell him you're the anal queen and give him a heads up, would you?

1:04:35 Drew Yeah, you have abscesses, you have abscesses. Here's the thing. Here's some anal sex. By the way, Rob, I'm gonna have to talk to him about-

1:04:42 Dr. Bruce I probably wouldn't crap again if I were her.

1:04:46 Drew Just because of the potential of causing that problem?

1:04:48 Dr. Bruce Yeah, I would never crap again.

1:04:49 Drew You just get a colostomy.

1:04:50 Dr. Bruce I get a colostomy back. Yeah, or I just stop eating or I'd say exclusively cello and saltines.

1:04:56 Drew That's good.

1:04:57 Dr. Bruce Yeah, a little pouch of punch, a little straw. You got to stuff through there like a retarded kid. By the way, what happens to you at the hospital all of a sudden you become a retard? Here's your cracker, here's your sack of punch, here's that, no, no, put that, no, don't touch that. What happens? You become a retard. You can't eat food, you can't do anything, you can't try anything. I'm gonna sit up, no, no, no, no, no. All right, Drew, real food at the, that's it. You know what? When I get this hernia surgeon bringing my own goddamn crackers and I'm gonna start selling them.

1:05:34 Drew I'm gonna go home right after that operation, right afterwards.

1:05:37 Dr. Bruce Right after? It's just that thing where you're there for like an hour. You gotta hang for an hour.

1:05:42 Drew It's gonna be Wednesday. I gotta put them on my calendar. I'm gonna be there.

1:05:44 Dr. Bruce You got that weird cotton mouth going.

1:05:46 Drew You there five in the morning?

1:05:48 Dr. Bruce No, I'm there at like noon.

1:05:49 Drew Are you in afternoon surgery?

1:05:52 Dr. Bruce I don't know, Drew.

1:05:53 Dr. Bruce What do you want me to do? They tell me what time.

1:05:56 Drew You're coming out at noon on Wednesday?

1:05:58 Dr. Bruce Coming out at noon.

1:05:59 Drew Perfect, I'll be there. I'll be there laughing my ass off. Don't worry about me, Brian. And, and.

1:06:04 Dr. Bruce Keep my underpants.

1:06:05 Drew Apologizing to all the nurses for the diatribes that you're all into. Oh, with the gown.

1:06:09 Dr. Bruce I want my own.

1:06:10 Drew It'll be such an embarrassment. I've got to preserve my dignity by going in there and defending. He doesn't, I don't know the guy, but I know he can be this way.

1:06:18 Dr. Bruce I got a radical, I got a radical idea with the hospital gown. There's a little something that was invented about 45 years ago. It's called Velcro. How about some goddamn Velcro on the strap?

1:06:31 Drew I'm gonna bring you one of my wife's night shirts.

1:06:32 Dr. Bruce Do the stupid.

1:06:33 Drew Make you wear that.

1:06:34 Dr. Bruce I gotta do the stupid tie thing with the bow and the knot and the coming undone.

1:06:38 Drew All the lighthouses on it. You look cute.

1:06:40 Dr. Bruce And by the way, it's not even a, you can tie a bow in a shoelace. Try tying a bow in a strip of cloth. It's always, it comes undone. You end up having to knot it up. It's the only way to keep it. And then it's a knot. And if you do the single knot, it comes undone immediately. You gotta do the double knot. You gotta wrench down on a little. How about a little strap of Velcro?

1:07:01 Drew Huh?

1:07:02 Dr. Bruce Velcro? Anybody?

1:07:03 Drew Won't be enough. Not enough.

1:07:06 Dr. Bruce Drew, you just get there, because when I come out in that gown, there's gonna be complaining, a planning. I hope I get a boner. I do. What about the shaving, Drew? I gotta do some shaving down there.

1:07:18 Drew Oh, don't worry. They'll take care of that.

1:07:19 Dr. Bruce They will? Oh yeah. Are they prepared? Because it's gonna take more than the Lady Bick.

1:07:24 Drew They got some, I'll be in the Ivy Shirts.

1:07:26 Dr. Bruce I mean, they're gonna need a couple of Mexicans and a weed whacker, I mean, someone's gonna have to hit it first. You don't just get out there.

1:07:34 Drew Put it down. Bring it down.

1:07:35 Dr. Bruce You gotta take it down first.

1:07:37 Drew Manageable bulk.

1:07:38 Dr. Bruce That's right. That's what I'm saying. Let's talk to-

1:07:42 Drew They're gonna have to have one of those grinders that grind up branches and stuff.

1:07:45 Dr. Bruce Yeah. Yeah, they're gonna do one of those mulchers.

1:07:49 Drew Right, a mulcher, exactly.

1:07:51 Dr. Bruce All right. Let's take a break.

1:07:55 Drew All right.

1:07:55 Dr. Bruce Let's take a break. We gotta get some coffee.

1:07:57 Drew I'm still at Easter time, you know. I got completely over, I haven't done that in a long time, but I got completely in the wrong time.

1:08:02 Dr. Bruce I'm on Vicodin time.

1:08:03 Drew No kidding.

1:08:04 Dr. Bruce We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:08:06 Dr. Bruce Hello, this is your radio.

1:08:27 Dr. Bruce Hey, everybody, Loveline. Adam, that's Dr. Drew in the house, just what the doctor ordered, everybody. Long week.

1:08:40 Thank God for Dr. Drew.

1:08:42 Dr. Bruce Pain medication, head swimming.

1:08:45 Drew I'm looking forward to this hernia thing, because I remember the grief you gave me about that. I can't wait for you to sort of experience that one.

1:08:53 Dr. Bruce Bulging bowel.

1:08:55 Drew It's good.

1:08:56 Dr. Bruce Rooting, coming forward. Yeah. Covered with hair.

1:08:59 Drew Yeah.

1:09:00 Dr. Bruce Mess. I'm on death's doorstep, Drew. Yeah. Well, maybe not on death's doorstep, but death's walk.

1:09:10 Dr. Bruce You know, like death's-

1:09:11 Drew Death's driveway.

1:09:12 Dr. Bruce Yeah, I'm on death's driveway.

1:09:14 Drew You're not quite on the doorstep yet.

1:09:15 Dr. Bruce But I'm on, I'm inside the gate. I made it over the fence. Yeah. Yeah. I'm on the driveway toward the front of the house, but I'm, you know, by the fence. Yeah. And if you go up and you turn left, you can go in the path that goes in the front. Or if you keep going straight, there's a kitchen entrance to death's house. You know, the regular issues. Let's talk to Paige. Yeah. Death tell you to wipe your feet too. Paige? You're 24? What's up?

1:09:53 My family has a heavy addiction problem that goes way back. And I was learning the best way to do an intervention in the best places in Southern California to get somebody into a drug rehab.

1:10:05 Drew Who do you want to intervene upon?

1:10:07 Oh, I got three, my two sisters and my father.

1:10:11 Dr. Bruce Do they do group interventions?

1:10:14 Drew No, they really don't. And you're gonna do this by yourself?

1:10:17 No, my mother and I will probably do it. My parents are divorced, but.

1:10:22 Dr. Bruce What drugs are they on?

1:10:24 Prescription meds, Vicodin and a couple of painkillers. And so on.

1:10:29 Drew And do they, any of them know that you're interested in their taking care of themselves?

1:10:33 Yeah, my two sisters have been through detox, but the problem's a little bit deeper than that, you know?

1:10:38 Drew They've not participated in treatment. Yeah, well, you know, intervention are usually quite expensive.

1:10:52 Dr. Bruce They are, how much?

1:10:54 Drew Up to $10,000.

1:10:56 Dr. Bruce 10,000, why? What are you paying for? Beside the guy who comes to your house?

1:10:59 Drew You're paying for somebody really making sure that somebody gets into and through treatment. And it depends where they have to go. Sometimes people travel the world with these interventions.

1:11:06 Dr. Bruce You're not paying, an intervention, you're not paying for the treatment, are you?

1:11:11 Drew No, no, that's just to get somebody into treatment and through treatment, to have somebody really shepherd them through.

1:11:17 Dr. Bruce So, it's like, okay, I'm gonna pay this guy, he's gonna come to my house.

1:11:23 Drew And I'm not saying that all are that expensive, but some of the really good ones are at least five, I would say.

1:11:27 Dr. Bruce He's going to talk, he's gonna rally the troops?

1:11:30 Drew He's gonna rehearse, he's gonna write scripts, he's gonna get all the important people together, the necessary people, and you want somebody that has essentially 100% success rate of getting somebody into and through treatment. And those guys, those people come at a price.

1:11:43 Dr. Bruce And they gotta leave that day? I mean, they gotta go.

1:11:45 Drew That's part of the deal, is the bag is packed, you ambush them, and the car's running, the engine's running, they're outside, you push them in the car, and that's it, pow, gone.

1:11:51 Dr. Bruce Pack the bag.

1:11:52 Drew And that person has to have selected where you need to go, what the most appropriate treatment is, line up the doctors, it's quite an operation.

1:11:59 Dr. Bruce I would need some flan and some wheat dens. Because I couldn't live off that Jell-O and salt peas, you know, all that time.

1:12:05 Drew Having said that, Paige, really, the best thing you can do, and the thing in my experience that has the highest impact upon changing an addict, getting them to be willing to go to treatment, is for the important people in their life to go to Al-Anon, get a sponsor, and work the steps themselves. So if you're on your mom, go to Al-Anon, get a sponsor, and actually get out of the dance that you're in with your addicted family members. And you're gonna need to do this anyway if your family does in fact go to treatment. You may find that after a few weeks or a couple of months of you both working a program, they may suddenly be interested in going. It's amazing how that happens, but I've seen that over and over and over again. So you go to Al-Anon, you get a sponsor, you change, you no longer engage in the dance with them, and they will freak out about that. You'll see, they'll be looking for direction at that point.

1:12:57 Dr. Bruce All right, baby doll, good times and good luck. Wow, that seems like, there's never been a TV series about an interventionist.

1:13:10 Drew There is one coming up.

1:13:12 Dr. Bruce There is?

1:13:13 Drew Yeah, except it's sort of about, they're intervening on all kinds of behaviors. It's really kind of skewed. Apparently it's good, but I don't know.

1:13:20 Dr. Bruce What's it coming on?

1:13:23 Drew A cable channel, I don't know which.

1:13:26 Dr. Bruce Uncle Chickless is the interventionist, pack your bag, you're coming with me.

1:13:32 Dr. Bruce All right, people, there's no doubt this is an intervention. We've got a prepared script, but I want you to have fun with it. All right, Pops, you're first, let's go. Give me the reasons why I need to get into rehab. I love you, son.

1:13:49 Dr. Bruce I didn't believe it, man.

1:13:52 Drew Drop down and give me five.

1:13:54 Dr. Bruce Drop down and give me five, Pops. Corolla says to pack some wheat dens. All right, let's talk to, huh?

1:14:02 Drew Huh?

1:14:05 Dr. Bruce I saw artificial insemination. I want to talk to KJ. You're 19?

1:14:11 Adam Yeah, I want to have a baby, but I don't want it from a guy.

1:14:15 Dr. Bruce You don't want to have sex?

1:14:18 Adam I have sex, but I don't want to get, I don't know, I don't like guys.

1:14:23 Dr. Bruce You don't like guys?

1:14:24 Adam No.

1:14:24 Dr. Bruce Are you a lesbian?

1:14:28 Adam I don't know. I just know that I want to have a baby, and I want to know, like, how can you get, like, information on getting artificial...

1:14:37 Drew What if you have a boy? What if you have a boy? You hate men, what if you have a boy?

1:14:44 Adam I don't know if he's a boy.

1:14:46 Dr. Bruce Hold on, by the way.

1:14:50 Dr. Bruce Really... I would sooner give a child to a family of raccoons.

1:14:58 Drew I'd certainly do that before I'd give her a raccoon.

1:15:01 Dr. Bruce I would rather give her, like, an armed Trident missile with a nuclear warhead on it than give her a kid. I really would. It would be more responsible. It really would. It could take out the city the size of Chicago. Still, she could keep it in her room. It would still be a more responsible proposition.

1:15:28 Adam Yeah, I'm responsible. I live with a roommate. We pay bills and everything like that, got a job.

1:15:35 Drew No, KJ, listen.

1:15:37 Dr. Bruce Where do you work? Do you do something with food?

1:15:40 Adam What?

1:15:40 Dr. Bruce Do you do something with food?

1:15:43 Drew For your work?

1:15:44 Adam Do I do something with food? For your work? No, I'm a telemarketer.

1:15:48 Dr. Bruce Telemarketer. That's not having a job. It's just not having a job. But it's not actually having a job. There's a difference.

1:15:57 Adam It's a part-time job, though.

1:16:00 Dr. Bruce Why do you hate men so much, baby?

1:16:03 Adam I don't really hate them. It's just that I don't really trust them that much either because I don't know. My dad, when we grew up, he was real religious, like those people that think… I think he thought women were whores or something because that's all he called me. And then I didn't see him for about seven years, I think.

1:16:26 Drew He was religious, but he called you a whore.

1:16:28 Adam Yeah, you know, I couldn't wear pants and stuff like that.

1:16:32 Drew And then he abandoned you after that.

1:16:35 Adam Yeah, because him and my mom got a divorce.

1:16:38 Drew Did he physically abuse you?

1:16:42 Adam No, not like the sexual kind. But if, let's say, I made him, like, we got mad, if he got mad or something, he would, you know, I guess, you know, discipline.

1:16:57 Drew That's physical abuse, KJ.

1:16:58 Dr. Bruce I'm going, I know, was he Jew?

1:17:00 Dr. Bruce He was Jew, right?

1:17:02 Adam He was what?

1:17:04 Dr. Bruce What was his religion, KJ?

1:17:06 Adam I think like a Pentecostal or something, or apostolic or whatever. All right.

1:17:11 Dr. Bruce Where is he now? Is he very, is he still religious?

1:17:14 Adam I was supposed to meet him actually about three months ago and he stood me up and I had a mental breakdown. I went to the mental hospital.

1:17:24 Dr. Bruce Well, listen, KJ, here's the thing, baby doll. You got to get a real job, got to get a little education, maybe a little therapy for having a screwy dad and no kids for 10 years.

1:17:39 Drew 10 years.

1:17:39 Dr. Bruce 10 years. There you go.

1:17:41 Drew Then you can get our official inseminated.

1:17:43 Dr. Bruce No problem.

1:17:44 Drew No problem. But not now.

1:17:46 Dr. Bruce As you know, if you listen to the show, I've really just had an ass full of almost every religion.

1:17:51 Drew But now that you've had your cervical plexus snipped, it's all over.

1:17:58 Dr. Bruce Now it's over. Now it's over between me and my maker. Here's the part where I've really had an ass full with the religions. Society's tolerance of it. And it's even further than tolerance. It's a sort of... Reverence. It's a reverence slash false respect. It's the way... It's sort of the way super guilty white people treat black people. Oh, no, that's great. Oh, no, that's great. Oh, no, yeah. I read Clint's book while we were...

1:18:26 Drew I should be talking about this all night, by the way.

1:18:27 Dr. Bruce That's what super left-wing, super left-wing apologetic white people, what they do with black people. No, no, you guys shouldn't have to get a score on a test. You should go... No, you don't have to be qualified. You should do. Because you feel so bad. And there's this weird sort of thing. I've had an ass full of it. I'm done with it. I'm tired of religion. I'm tired of all the kooky... I've had an ass full of the Middle East and their nutball religions. I was skipping rope the other night. I was... I skipped rope. I just put my headphones on. I just watched the TV with the sound down. I saw the big letters. What is it? Trouble in the Middle East. And I thought, oh, trouble in the Middle East.

1:19:14 Dr. Bruce What a shock.

1:19:17 Dr. Bruce It's shocking. But everything's so great. That's such fine. The religions. It's a trouble in the Middle East, Drew.

1:19:24 Dr. Bruce Trouble.

1:19:24 Dr. Bruce Shocking? Shocking. Amazing or shocked?

1:19:26 Dr. Bruce Shocked.

1:19:27 Drew Shocked.

1:19:28 Dr. Bruce You've been out of town, so you didn't know. I mean, I'm sure you thought everything was just going along swimmingly over there.

1:19:33 Drew Of course.

1:19:34 Dr. Bruce It's such a wonderful culture and the religions. It's wonderful. It's all wonderful.

1:19:38 Drew This reminds me of the Bill Clinton thing because his BS with religion and stuff. I read his book when I was on vacation.

1:19:42 Dr. Bruce He's full of crap, too.

1:19:44 Drew Adam, listen. There's so many things in that book that blew me away in terms of how primitive he is. I was shocked and I thought I understood the guy. First of all, he's severely racist.

1:19:55 Dr. Bruce He is.

1:19:56 Drew Everybody. He described as Joe Smith, the Italian down the street, and Mr. Smith, the Irish guy, and Mrs. The Black Guy. It's like, people were not of certain ancestry. They were that. That's how he identified them as that.

1:20:10 Dr. Bruce I'm starting to come around on the guy. You've convinced me.

1:20:12 Drew Crazy stuff. Then you realize he was raised in the South. That's how they think in parts of the South still. Mother dropped him off for a few years with the grandparents. Just dropped him off when she had to go do some training for a nurse.

1:20:24 Dr. Bruce He idolizes his mom who was just a severe opiate addict.

1:20:29 Drew And alcohol.

1:20:30 Dr. Bruce And who was abusive. And how religion.

1:20:35 Drew By the way, none of his parents ever went to church, but yet he did it with his friend. They went down to listen to sermons.

1:20:41 Dr. Bruce He's very religious. I know.

1:20:43 Drew The family never goes to church and the child goes.

1:20:45 Dr. Bruce You're a married guy. You had a an affair going for 12 years. Deeply religious, deeply. And you're raping the intern with the cigar. Deeply, deeply religious. If you if you if you do believe it, you should be institutionalized. So here's my choice. I'm giving you. You either are a liar. I'm going to three choices. One is a liar to about your your devout religious delusional religion to delusional three. You're just yeah, you're just insane or for a liar. I don't believe you. How is it these guys that are deeply deeply religious can rape interns with cigars while they're you know, their wife, the marriage, the sanctity, the bond of marriage is that you know, nothing religion loves more than that. What are you doing with the cigar, buddy? I've just had an ass full of all you idiots with your retarded religion.

1:21:47 Dr. Bruce Just shut up. Just keep it to yourself.

1:21:49 Dr. Bruce And let's and society. Let's stop being so goddamn tolerant of it. Well, I'm preaching all the time. Bush is the same way.

1:21:56 Drew Wait, wait, wait, wait, let's refine this. Hang on a second because because religion is something humans seem to need.

1:22:02 Dr. Bruce Yes, they need it.

1:22:03 Drew It helps them. Would you not agree that really what you're complaining about is orthodoxy? People that say it's so and we can't discuss it any other way. They can't be rational about it. You can be spiritual and religious and not orthodox, and not orthodox. I mean, rigid.

1:22:19 Dr. Bruce Yes.

1:22:20 Drew Right? And or dishonest. You don't want that either.

1:22:25 Dr. Bruce I'm tired of society giving a free pass to everybody because of their so-called religion. And I'm tired of the sociopaths like Clinton who go out and do their thing and then convene with their clergy and their deeply religious men and, OK, well, I see he made peace with his God. He's fine. No, I don't let him off just same way as you wouldn't let off a guy who killed somebody who gets to get to repent for sins. I've just had an ass full of it. These guys are liars. I don't believe them for a second. I don't believe Clinton believes in anything. I really don't. And if you are so deeply religious, why are you writing a book? Why are you on a campaign trail? Why are you out taking pictures with people? Just go find a cabin and read the Bible, would you? And why don't you spend ten minutes with your wife, for Christ's sake? She's your backbone. She's your life. You couldn't have done anything without her. Why don't you spend ten minutes with her then? Why don't you guys just go get a place and have dinner? Turn the TV set off. Read the Bible together and shut up. Please. He's sitting there. I saw the 60 Minutes piece on the guy. They're on TV lying to everybody. By the way, do you just get to lie? You get to lie your ass off and then all of a sudden, oh, no, it's cool. You write a book. That's great. There's a book, how many chapters, on you lying? Why do we need? What? We need to believe you now? I got the tape from you on 60 Minutes in 91, just sitting there lying your ass off with your wife right next to you, lying her ass off. All's forgiven? Oh, that was the old you? Oh, yeah, yeah. That was about, you were a kid. You were 46. Yeah. Wait, you were in your 40s. Yeah, that was a different time. That was a whole 10 years ago. You're a liar. It's just not good. Let's go get your Bible and go to church. Why do you have to shut up? Enough money. Spend 10 minutes with your wife. You love her so much. You love Jesus so much.

1:24:30 Dr. Bruce You love the church so much.

1:24:31 Dr. Bruce You love your Bible so much. You love your wife so much. Go get a Bible and your wife and go to church. Leave us alone. I love Clinton so much for he's obviously a sociopath. I feel bad for the guy. The guy was abused. He was abused as a kid and now he's a sociopath. It's extremely obvious. And why are we listening to him? All he does is lie. He's great. He's great. He's great. That's right. Go buy his book. What do you need to read about? What's in there? What do you need to know?

1:25:04 Drew Why do I read it?

1:25:05 Dr. Bruce Why does anyone need to read it? An alcoholic mom abused him and he lied to everybody.

1:25:12 Drew I was curious as to what I, well.

1:25:15 Dr. Bruce Any revelations?

1:25:16 Drew No. Well, yes. If you read it.

1:25:18 Dr. Bruce By the way, forget about Monica Lewinsky. What about the 12 year relationship he had with What's Or No?

1:25:23 Drew 12 years. If you were, if you were having a relationship with somebody, Listen to this.

1:25:28 Dr. Bruce If you were a sociopath.

1:25:29 Drew If you were going to write a book about your life, What would a major component of that life be?

1:25:36 Dr. Bruce Complaining about Bill Clinton.

1:25:38 Drew But in other words, there'd be like your family of origin, right? There'd be your sort of education and child experiences.

1:25:44 Dr. Bruce Oh, but they hate it.

1:25:45 Drew And then wouldn't you put in your like, your relationship with females and things, how that went, how it developed?

1:25:51 Dr. Bruce Yeah, well.

1:25:52 Drew No, but you put, if you were telling your life story.

1:25:54 Dr. Bruce I'm just saying about my poor family, if I was writing and writing about them.

1:25:57 Drew It better be a life story, right? Not one mention about relationship with women. Until Hillary.

1:26:04 Dr. Bruce Until Hillary, nothing.

1:26:05 Drew Well, one, like there's like a paragraph on some girl during law school or something. I mean, what?

1:26:10 Dr. Bruce He just doesn't want to piss her. He just kisses her ass. Every, every, look, every interview the guy does, all he talks about is Hillary and how she's his strength and his backbone and everything. Yeah, why you have a 12 year relationship with some other chick then? You love her so much. Where is she, by the way? Why don't you guys spend any time together?

1:26:29 Drew I'm bringing that book in tomorrow.

1:26:30 Dr. Bruce It's amazing.

1:26:31 Dr. Bruce You're in love. You're in love.

1:26:32 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

1:26:32 Dr. Bruce Okay. Here's who you love. You love Jesus and you love Hillary. Meanwhile, you're raping chick with a cigar and you're having a 12 year affair with somebody else. Who else do you love? I hope. Is it me? Because what are you going to do? Club me to death? That's just, I just, everyone, please stop paying attention to these liars. Start listening to me. We're going to take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:26:56 Dr. Bruce Hello, is this your radio?

1:27:02 Dr. Bruce What are women most attracted to? That's right. You can't buy that confidence. At least you couldn't until now.

1:27:08 Drew What do we got?

1:27:09 Dr. Bruce You got Axe, Deodorant, Body Spray. Hey, everybody, Loveline and Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Drew hates Clinton, everybody.

1:27:30 Drew I don't hate him. It just refueled my indignation at the lack of people's willingness to really talk realistically about who he is and what he's done, and us buying, as you say, his lies. I'm not even harsh enough to call him a liar. He's a distortion.

1:27:49 Dr. Bruce He's just damaged goods. He just got raised by a crazy, horrible mom, and now he's a mess. That's just the way I look at him. You need some therapy. Aaron? You're 23? What's happened?

1:28:04 Drew I actually, by the way, ended up feeling sorry for the guy reading the book. I felt like really sorry for him.

1:28:09 Dr. Bruce I had a couple of two questions. My wife's pregnant seven months now, and I heard towards the end of pregnancy, you should have as much sex as you can to help her out during the birth.

1:28:22 Dr. Bruce No.

1:28:22 Drew That's ridiculous. What do you mean help her out?

1:28:25 Dr. Bruce Just gonna yoke out her vagina?

1:28:27 Drew That is ridiculous.

1:28:28 Dr. Bruce Like loosen her up or?

1:28:29 Drew That is ridiculous.

1:28:31 Dr. Bruce Yeah, you gotta put some mink oil on her vagina too and have your dad park the car on it. First of all, you work it in like a catcher's mitt.

1:28:39 Dr. Bruce You really, you know what I mean?

1:28:40 Drew Couple things.

1:28:41 Dr. Bruce I put a ball in there and put a belt around her hips at night.

1:28:44 Drew There's a chemical release called relaxin that sort of loosens all the joints and the pelvic, even the joint that holds the pelvis together loosens. So that area is already extra loose.

1:28:53 Dr. Bruce Relaxin sounds like one of those BS chemicals like talking about this, our new herbal tea now with relaxin.

1:29:03 Drew It's just, it's a chemical they had not identified when I was in training. So they just sort of put it, gave it a name. And the baby's head's coming down the pike there. Your penis, sorry, pales. And the whole thing will dilate by virtue of neurobiology. But on the other hand, women tend to get very aroused during the last part of pregnancy. That's when they're really at their most receptive or more than that, tumescent. They're very tumescent during that time.

1:29:34 Dr. Bruce Brittany. Gotta loosen them up, Drew.

1:29:37 Drew Now you can also induce birth a little bit. So if you have a high risk pregnancy going, you gotta be careful. Brittany, what's up?

1:29:42 Adam Yeah. I have been dating this guy for about two months and he's 18. Tomorrow, we're supposed to be hanging out and the whole time we've been dating, my rule has been 16 for having sex because I'm a virgin.

1:30:08 Drew Perfect. 17, let's push it up a little bit. Would you like us to decide for you? We'd be happy to actually. No. You don't want to have sex with him.

1:30:31 Dr. Bruce Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

1:30:32 Drew You've known him for two months. In the big scheme of things, this guy is not gonna go on. You're gonna have sex.

1:30:39 Dr. Bruce You're gonna bond.

1:30:40 Drew Oh, you're gonna feel horrible when he leaves.

1:30:43 Dr. Bruce He's gonna release that relaxant in you. And then he's wheeling off to Tennessee.

1:30:49 Drew Yeah, no, no, don't do it. Do not do it. You'll regret it. I guarantee it. Make a pact with us. You will not do that.

1:30:55 Dr. Bruce It's not your daughter, Drew. When is he leaving to Tennessee? Oh, that's too soon. Yeah, here's the thing. Listen to me, I'm a genius. If you were gonna tell me that he was leaving in September sometime and that this is gonna be a summer relationship kind of thing, and you were gonna turn 16 in three weeks. Okay, you're more 14 than you are 16, number one. Number two, this guy's outta here in a week, week and a half, that's it. Not even a week and a half. If it is pretty much a week, he's outta here. That's it, no sex. It's gonna screw you up and you'll regret it your whole life.

1:31:41 Drew You will.

1:31:41 Dr. Bruce Your whole life and maybe beyond. You may be in God's mansion, cause he's got a mansion and the streets are paved with gold and you'll be up there and you'll be at his hem of his garment there and you'll be regretting it. That's how long it's gonna last. And then that keeps going cause you never die. And then you get reunited with people you love, but not the people you don't like.

1:32:06 Drew Or the 60 billion people lived in for you. Or the ancient man.

1:32:09 Dr. Bruce The 60 billion? Yeah, no, there's not gonna be any people that are involved like in certain stages of evolution. No, they won't be up there.

1:32:20 Drew No, only the homo sapien post Egyptian times.

1:32:25 Dr. Bruce That's right. And pets are allowed, I found out.

1:32:28 Drew But not other animals.

1:32:29 Dr. Bruce Not other animals. There'll be no grizzlies or manatees or anything like that, but there will be dogs and kittens with no full grown cats. They didn't make the cut. They'll see if they can vote them in next year, but it doesn't look good for them. So there'll be pets, only your beloved pets, not ones you didn't like that much, or ones that got rabies and died in the woods. It's a little tricky. The point is there's some animals and then there'll be you.

1:32:57 Drew But no mange.

1:32:58 Dr. Bruce And there'll be some guys, but not everybody. Okay, and not people you don't like. It'll make sense when you add it.

1:33:03 Drew And everyone will have had an aristocratic history. No peasants.

1:33:06 Dr. Bruce That's right.

1:33:07 Drew Although most humans have been peasants of farmers.

1:33:10 Dr. Bruce No, no, you're talking about reincarnation. That's different. This is going to happen. All right, we'll take a little break. Yeah, and the cripples and stuff will be healed. So you might not recognize it because there was a guy in a wheelchair that you knew from high school.

1:33:25 Drew And the people that died of Alzheimer's will have their brains.

1:33:27 Dr. Bruce They'll be smarter, yeah. And unclear how old they'll be, but they'll be up there. They'll be the age they were before they got to Alzheimer's.

1:33:33 Drew No, they'll be the age that your memory tells you they should be.

1:33:36 Dr. Bruce All right, I got it. I got it worked out. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:33:41 Dr. Bruce Alright guys, here's the deal.

1:33:43 Dr. Bruce You looking to hook up? Sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

1:33:46 Dr. Bruce One call is all you need to make.

1:33:48 Dr. Bruce Call the Dateline.

1:33:49 Dr. Bruce 877-889-DATE.

1:33:51 Dr. Bruce Call the Dateline. This hour brought to you in part by Axe.

1:34:04 Dr. Bruce Experience the Axe Effect.

1:34:19 Dr. Bruce Well, we gotta finish the show, because Drew and I got to get on the cell phone. We got another 25 minutes of saltine. Not nearly done with the saltine diatrine. Really? That's it, that's the best we can do. All right, God bless you for tuning in. Pat Noswold in here, and Brian Posehn, two of the funnier guys you're ever gonna hear on this radio show tomorrow night. So, until next time, this Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying, mahalo.

1:34:47 Dr. Bruce This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors or this station. The producer for Loveline is Ann Ingold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

Episode Feedback

Wednesday, June 30, 2004