Episode 1000620394476

0:54 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually oriented content.

1:00 Voiceover With Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

1:05 Voiceover I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Dr. Drew, board certified physician, addiction medicine specialist. It's great to be back.

1:13 Darrell Hammond Is it really?

1:14 Adam No.

1:14 Darrell Hammond How was customs?

1:15 Adam Could have made it without the show. I got held, actually it was the flight that was delayed in customs. I mean, customs are always a little delayed. I got back from Europe last night, kind of late. As a matter of fact, it was sort of my fault, because, tell me if I'm just making this up. But I said, when do we get back? I went to a big group, went with Jimmy and some other friends to Europe, had a great time. They said, we're coming back Sunday. I've never come back to Los Angeles on a Sunday later than three in the afternoon. It's always early, because of the time difference, wherever it seems to be I'm coming from. Do you know what I'm saying? You ever come home Sunday, 12 o'clock, midnight?

1:55 Drew No.

1:56 Adam It's always noon or something.

1:58 Drew At least it's five or six.

1:59 Adam Yeah, somehow never later. I don't know, so when I heard we're coming back on Sunday, I just went, no, all right, we'll be back. Turns out we're supposed to be back at like 9.30. Which case, well, you know, I was just gonna make it here. You know, I love the kids. But we got held up, held up in Paris at 12 hours, like long time to be on an airplane.

2:21 Darrell Hammond With the recycled air.

2:23 Adam Oh, I got something going on too. I woke up this morning and blew like a manatee out of my nose. A what? A manatee? Yeah, one of those. Yeah, you've seen those, you've seen them in Florida.

2:38 Darrell Hammond The water.

2:38 Adam Yeah, they're several hundred pounds. Actually, what came out of my nose was bigger than me. It actually weighed more than I did.

2:45 Darrell Hammond Unless the bacteria from the recycled air made that.

2:49 Drew And your ill wife who called me today.

2:50 Adam It's bad times. Oh, she was throwing up. She had a virus. She was heaving on the plane. People were yelling at her. No. I had her thrown up in the cab on the way to the... What was that about? I have no idea.

3:04 Drew Here's what that about. I'm rallying. Come on, chick, don't rally. Let's get going.

3:09 Adam Let's break it down now. Hey, take a knee. Let's go now. Hey, gentlemen, those helmets are chairs. Suck it up. Suck it up now. Throw up some dirt on that, whatever it is that went south on you. Yeah, it was bad. Talk about tip like to the taxi driver when the old lady's a heathen in the front seat, in the front seat, right next to the guy into a bag. That's bad times. By the way, a paper bag that the bottom came out of about an eighth of an inch before I made it to the trash can on the curbside of it.

3:43 Darrell Hammond What percentage did you tip him?

3:46 Adam It was euros. I think it was about 45, 50 euros to the airport. I gave him 80 bucks.

3:52 Darrell Hammond It was like a thousand.

3:53 Adam Or 80 euros. Yeah, I think I made bottom of Villa or something. I'm not sure, but you got to... Actually, I got a lot... Darrell Hammond here, by the way, I don't even know where... I got a little jet lag, a little spun out. Darrell, my absolute favorite from Saturday Night Live because he possesses a skill. Whereas other people, well, they got energy. Maybe they can act. Maybe... But it's not tangible. Darrell actually has tangible skills in the voices that he does. And always funny. Regis Philbin, always funny.

4:29 Darrell Hammond He's been a field goal kicker, too. I mean, it's definitely a Friday and Saturday job now. It's like I usually get the job Friday night, so...

4:36 Adam You just... But you just go up there and hit a home run every week. And it's always funny to me. Don't try to talk me out of it.

4:45 Darrell Hammond I'm sorry.

4:46 Adam Jesse Jackson. Oh, Al Shar... Do you do Al Sharpton? Yeah.

4:51 Drew Bill Clinton.

4:52 Adam Clinton's always great. Sean Connery's great. I'm trying to... Who's the news? Who's doing the...

5:02 Drew Dan Rather?

5:03 Adam Who's the news guy you do?

5:04 Darrell Hammond Copple. Chris Matthews.

5:06 Adam Chris Matthews. Oh, Chris Matthews, the bastard. I think... It seems to be one you do more than a lot.

5:14 Darrell Hammond Well, you do it like... If you do a character on there like over three times a year, it's a hit character. I mean, it really is. If you can repeat three or four times and then do that four years in a row, it's definitely...

5:26 Adam Is it getting... I mean, the legacy, the cone heads and all that stuff, is it getting harder to get repeat performance or repeat characters in the show?

5:37 Darrell Hammond Well, I keep adding people. I mean, one year it's Reed, just the next year it's Trump or Schwarzenegger. I mean, we keep adding things to do and then there are the staples. No one really ever gets tired of seeing Clinton out there. So we trot him out there for no reason.

5:52 Drew It should be interesting with his new book coming out.

5:54 Yeah, yeah.

5:55 Darrell Hammond Well, he's the, yeah.

5:56 Drew Me, this is Bill, I'm the sex addict, Clinton.

5:59 Darrell Hammond Yeah, he's not going to say that.

6:01 Drew He claims it's in the book.

6:02 Adam Really?

6:03 Drew I've got to see this. It's going to say something like, well, Lucifer possessed me for three days and during that time my clergy tells me that Philip Blake.

6:15 Adam No, I know. It'll be sensational but a cop out ultimately.

6:19 Drew Absolutely. I can't wait to hear how he does it. It'll be genius, I'm sure.

6:24 Adam I'm sure it'll get people to buy the book and at the end they'll feel slightly unsatisfied as they walk away from it. Much like Drew's book, Cracked Everybody, it's out. Is there something less than paper that it can be out on pulp?

6:36 Drew It'll be on paper.

6:37 Adam It's coming out on pulp just to roll. You grab a handful of raw trees.

6:42 Drew It's going to be on papyrus.

6:43 Adam Papyrus and banana leaf. Coming up soon, everybody.

6:46 Darrell Hammond It's etched in a block of dirt.

6:48 Adam With a piece of charcoal stick. Yeah, everybody, on pulp. Coming to, what would it come to, Drew? A bookstore seems a little lofty for your book. Oh, I got it. One of those lunch trucks. On pulp, coming to a lunch truck near you. You'll hear the horn. You come running out. You buy the book. Sex addict, by the way, is starting to become a pretty viable diagnosis. I mean, I'm hearing people use it in divorces and stuff like that.

7:20 Drew It's sort of becoming almost a platitude.

7:22 Adam Yeah.

7:23 Drew Sex addict.

7:23 Adam You're sex addict. And isn't this gonna, each time this happens, doesn't it F things up for the real junkies of the world?

7:32 Drew Yes, it diminishes.

7:33 Adam When the guy pronounces he's a chocoholic. Doesn't it sort of hurt the real guy's case?

7:37 Darrell Hammond Yeah, I think it is. I think that it's only an addiction if you can do it to the extent that cops will come.

7:45 Drew You see what I mean?

7:45 Darrell Hammond They're going to leave you alone with the chocolate.

7:48 Adam You got a good point.

7:49 Darrell Hammond The McDonald's, but the other ones you can get the authorities involved.

7:53 Adam And if he is a sex addict, by the way, Lewinsky is like the equivalent to drinking Sterno. Yeah, you know what I mean? Oh, when am I going to, I need a fix. I got a big ass chick. I don't care what she, I just get her in. Well, I need a hit.

8:08 Darrell Hammond I had kissed her, by the way.

8:10 Adam Lewinsky?

8:10 Darrell Hammond Yeah, I did.

8:11 Adam When?

8:11 Darrell Hammond On our show, she came on the show.

8:13 Drew Being Clinton.

8:13 Darrell Hammond You were being Clinton, and she, now you want to talk about tripping? You know, there's, well, there's 16 million people watching. You got a fake nose on, you look like Clinton. They've made you have to do that, and you're sitting there, and a door opens, and Monica Lewinsky walks in.

8:29 Drew You didn't know it was going to be her?

8:29 Darrell Hammond Oh, of course I did, but it's still, I don't give a damn how many times she walks in a room, you're still like, whoa, it's Monica Lewinsky.

8:35 Drew Wait a minute, I'm Bill Clinton.

8:37 Adam She's great, too, because she wants to talk about her purses. She's like, I don't want to talk about that.

8:41 Darrell Hammond And then it's like that famous face coming towards you.

8:49 You know, in waves, it's like.

8:52 Adam Do you ever, that sounds like a retarded Barbara Walters type question, but it could actually work. And especially if you get high or drunk a little bit. You ever spot yourself in the mirror after you're done up as a character and sort of surprise yourself?

9:05 Darrell Hammond It hasn't really happened that much. A couple of times it has.

9:08 Adam I would get high on like a pot brownie. I would pass out, and I may be mushrooms. I would wake up the following morning as a very messed up Clint with maybe a nose hanging half off, stumble into the bathroom because I urinate in the sink, and take a look at myself and freak out. I mean, just for a heartbeat.

9:27 Darrell Hammond The weird thing that unsettles me is that sometimes I'll talk to, like after I do the piece, I'll talk to someone like that. You know, I'll say, I like half the fight. Whoa, what am I doing? But I mean, that's weird for me. Let me say to the people of America, and the nation, and the whole world, that I hate your ass.

9:42 Adam Whoever I want. And by the way, and I've been trying, and no one's ever studied this, Drew. You study a lot of stuff no one gives a rat's ass about, but how about studying something that's interesting, which is the ability to mimic that way. There's a couple guys.

9:56 Darrell Hammond Is there a pathology to that?

9:58 Drew Not that I'm aware of. It's a skill.

10:00 Adam Understand, though, that nothing comes from good.

10:03 Drew Yeah, nothing.

10:03 Adam You know what I mean?

10:04 Drew Nothing of substance comes from good. You're happy.

10:06 Adam You get no, you barely get one voice. Look at Drew. Drew's happy, half a voice, half a personality.

10:12 Darrell Hammond But I always wondered, is there something wrong? Is it sort of a genetic misprint?

10:19 Drew Why you have that capability?

10:20 Adam Where's that coming from?

10:21 Drew Well, there's something called mirror neurons in your brain that will, literally, when I see you move your hand, my brain will fire off an exact distribution of hand movement, exactly what you're doing, without moving my hand.

10:34 Darrell Hammond And what an odd thing to give a person.

10:36 Drew And some people may have more mirroring ability. And listen, we are mimetic species, right?

10:41 Darrell Hammond So we derive from each other. That's right.

10:43 Drew And so for whatever reason, that mirroring becomes more intense. You develop that or whatever.

10:48 Adam But, you know, and I work with a guy or two that does this. They do it instinctively. Somebody comes in the room, makes some proclamation and leaves. They do the same proclamation a bit later. And they're better at it than everybody. And as far as the ability to do it, it seems really God-given to me to be able to mimic that way you have to hone it. You have to work on it. But a guy like me couldn't do it in a thousand years.

11:14 Drew By the way, all this talk about mimicry and myself and our audience, it's like talking about a steak and then not serving it. I want to hear some, I want to hear some.

11:23 Adam Hold on, hold on.

11:23 Darrell Hammond Let me say that the people of America and the nations of the world, that I hate your ass.

11:28 Drew Stop what?

11:28 Adam We gotta stop the show because that's you. That's Drew doing his first piece of decent radio in over six years, by the way. Actually realizing that Darrell should do a voice or two.

11:39 Drew Because I'm salivating, waiting for the damn time.

11:42 Adam No, you're right. I don't, let's see, give us a little Sean Connery.

11:46 Darrell Hammond Well, why don't we talk about some other things?

11:50 Drew All right, here's the deal. Darrell and I spent a few days.

11:54 Darrell Hammond No, no, no, then I'll, you like Al Sharpton or something. You want to talk about him?

11:58 Adam We'll talk about politics? I don't know. We'll talk about Sharpton? I'd love to hear, I'd love to hear a little Sharpton.

12:04 Drew And Ronald Reagan and Ronald Reagan's demise. Here's Matthews who idolized him.

12:09 Adam That guy died 10 minutes ago, Drew, come on.

12:10 Darrell Hammond Let me talk about Sharpton and see if that's satisfying.

12:13 Adam Sharpton, it was on Saturday Night Live, wasn't it? Did he host it a few weeks ago?

12:17 Darrell Hammond I've always said that he's the one guy that Bush would never really want to debate or anyone really because I don't know that you can really prepare for what comes out of his mouth. I mean, like, true, I was watching TV and I was flipping and I saw Gephart talking about Homeland Security. I changed the channel. I saw Lieberman talking about tax cuts. I turned on Hannity and Combs and I heard Sharpton say, I did not call Giuliani a bozo.

12:46 I said, bozo could have just got a job with Giuliani. Clearly, that's not kind of Giuliani a bozo. That's not saying Giuliani is a bozo. There's a world of difference between calling Giuliani a bozo and saying that bozo have talent. Do you deny bozo have talent? Giuliani had to have talent, but just about as much talent as a bozo. They might be the same.

13:07 Adam I really, I do think the hot comb has fried his brain.

13:12 Darrell Hammond Now, if you flatten that sound out and you move it closer to the front of your mouth, you could have Jesse Jackson like, I went to the Middle East, brought home Swain, Guttman, Chana.

13:22 I did not live a cake, old Bible, all gone with the sword. We should hit together the real rainbow coalition, red, yellow, black, white, Ronny, Bobby, Rick and Mike.

13:34 Adam Jackson really may have a legitimate speech impediment. I mean, he's hard to understand. Well, you said, I'm pretty, I'm, no, what I'm calling, I'm saying, it's like saying a stupid kid has, I'm saying he has a learning disability. I'm not calling him dumb. You know what I'm saying? I mean, he may have an impediment.

14:19 People on negative ads like George Bush, negative campaigns, and Ratatatat.

14:26 That's funny.

14:27 And Ratatatat, negative campaign, and Ratatatat.

14:32 Drew It's like a people college guy.

14:34 Darrell Hammond That's a quote, by the way.

14:36 Really?

14:36 Adam Absolutely, yeah. And I love Regis, too, by the way. You don't have to stuff him in, but if you feel, you know, the need, you can do it.

14:47 Darrell Hammond Well, the thing about Regis is that he thinks something, then he rethinks it. And the second time he thinks it, it makes him mad. Do you understand? Yes. This is how his brain works.

14:57 So he'll go, Joy and I were down in a cave in Tijuana that was a thousand years old. It was a thousand years old.

15:08 Darrell Hammond The second time it upsets him.

15:14 Adam By the way, Regis and Kelly, hilarious SNL bit, by the way. Drew, you don't stay up and watch the SNL like I do. She has no idea what he's talking about because he's a thousand years older than. By the way, I sound like my mom when she's describing a funniest episode of Murphy Brown. I always just say it's a disaster. But it's probably the, oh, and then you got Gelman. I got the sort of ambiguously gay Gelman. It's got to be one of your favorites.

15:56 Darrell Hammond It's definitely, we do it like, did you just burp?

16:03 Drew It's another manatee.

16:04 We may pull one out. Yes, it is.

16:09 Adam And it seems like there's a lot of room for improvisation within that bit.

16:14 Darrell Hammond Well, there is. And it doesn't really happen until we go in the air. I mean, we sort of set a framework with a series of cues. So we'll never go completely off course. But I think what happens to me is that Amy Poehler will do something that's amazingly funny. She'll do things. The whole idea is that she's interrupting Regis' life. And sometimes she'll get a little bit physical about it.

16:37 Adam She sort of clings to his arm and does this thing. But it's very sort of discriminating against Regis' age in a very condescending way.

16:47 Darrell Hammond Are you tired, Drew?

16:49 Drew Yes, yes.

16:49 Adam Drew, what's the matter with you?

16:50 Drew I hear Adam's voice, I start yawning. It's just every night. It's a conditioned response I have.

16:56 Adam You know how the audience feels. What do you do? Oh, you're tired. Why are you tired? Yeah, you got up at five and went jogging. So what? You do that every morning.

17:05 Darrell Hammond You got kids, that makes you tired automatically, right?

17:07 Drew Thank you.

17:08 Adam All right. What's up? You cool?

17:11 Drew I want you to hear the Darrell Hammond-Drew story in Toronto later.

17:14 Adam All right. When the power went out?

17:16 Drew When we were filming.

17:18 Adam Some folk singer ought to write a song about the night the lights went out and go back.

17:23 Drew Toronto.

17:24 Adam Jane?

17:25 Drew Yes.

17:25 Adam It's too bumpy though.

17:26 Drew Yeah, you're right.

17:27 Adam That's the night that the light went out in Toronto.

17:31 Ontario. Ontario.

17:32 Adam Ontario's better.

17:33 Let's just call it Ontario.

17:35 Ontario.

17:35 Adam Jane?

17:36 Yeah?

17:37 Uh-uh.

17:38 Darrell Hammond You're 20?

17:39 I can hear, can you hear me?

17:42 Adam Not really.

17:42 Darrell Hammond Press six.

17:43 Adam Press six.

17:44 Darrell Hammond You got a problem, I think.

17:45 Adam Felicia?

17:46 Yes. Uh-uh.

17:48 Adam We got a problem. It doesn't matter. Hold on one sec. I got a new 40 minutes on Europe then. Fine. God bless you. Everyone get off the phone.

17:54 I want to hear from some of the people.

17:56 Adam You're going to hear from one, from the person.

17:58 Drew Forget about the people. So how was it?

18:00 Adam Focus on the person.

18:00 Drew Adam was in Italy.

18:01 Adam I was in Italy. Italy was fine, but I got to say, it was really, Italy is like, it's sort of like Mexico studied for the SATs. You know, it's like someone woke Mexico up, showed them up a little and said, you got to go study for this. We got to get you into this sort of state school. It's like Mexico went to Cal State Northridge. It's really what Italy.

18:27 Darrell Hammond Do you have specific examples of that?

18:29 Adam Is it to me?

18:29 Drew I mean, people don't like to work.

18:31 Adam Here's my example, and I didn't tour the country.

18:35 Drew I knew he'd pick up on that.

18:35 Adam I went to a few places, lots of terracotta tile. Everything's made out of tile. And by the way, after spending a week in like a villa in Italy by the beach, a postitano, it's on the Amalfi Coast, everything's great. I hit the carpet. I was rolling around like Snoopy and I was like, I was dying for some carpet. You don't know. You don't know how much you miss carpet until you don't feel it. By the way, no mats. You don't step out of the shower. You step on the tile.

19:04 Darrell Hammond I have that problem with due process. You never appreciate due process until you work at Disney Cruise, until you're in an underground cell.

19:16 Drew I remember that. Yeah, you went to shore at Disney Cruise.

19:19 Adam We never did forget that story. Evidently, you didn't either.

19:22 Darrell Hammond Did I tell that on the air?

19:23 Adam Yes.

19:24 Darrell Hammond Oh, my God.

19:25 Adam Yes. And I asked you to tell again, but it seemed painful.

19:28 Drew Yeah, you weren't willing to do it a second time.

19:30 Darrell Hammond I don't care now. I mean, you guys, I mean, I guess I could.

19:34 Adam Well, here's the thing. And Drew did a decent radio about 10 minutes ago. By the way, I'm glad you got out of your system.

19:41 Drew It's done.

19:41 Adam Good for another six, eight years. You shouldn't talk about stories and then soon I could talk about them again. And Darrell told this story had to be at least two, three years ago on this show. Maybe more. So phones are working. We got about three minutes. Well, let's just tell the story and we'll get to the break. Darrell Hammond is here. Was doing a cruise ship, right? How long ago?

20:08 Darrell Hammond Fifteen, thirteen, fourteen years.

20:10 Adam Performing on doing stand up. And went to a bar.

20:15 Darrell Hammond I had four, I forget what they called them, but each drink had four liberal shots of golden rum. So I had done sixteen shots. In Jamaica. Yes. And actually it was, well, let's just call it Jamaica. It was close. Very close. But I feel that I can drink to such a point that I'd like believe, I go to another reality. I mean, there have been times that I've been drinking gin for real. I mean, more than once where I'd be sitting in the bar, convinced that I would play for the Yankees now, convinced that you would or that I was going to, I was like, I can make this happen. I can make this come back. So I was in that level of drunk. And then there was some rustling of leaves, next thing you know I was in a bathroom and I, they give out samples of, to ship workers like, hey, you want to try my stuff. Coke? Well, it was, you know what, it was powder. I mean, there wasn't enough in there to measure certainly and barely enough to blow, I mean, to like, you know, across the table, Tom.

21:27 Adam Right. Maybe you get a freeze though, you get a nice freeze. Yeah.

21:31 Darrell Hammond But I mean, it was, I certainly exercised poor judgment.

21:34 Adam Good to pretend like you don't know what I was doing when I was doing the freeze.

21:38 Darrell Hammond Yeah, I don't know what that is. Anyway, so it ended up that I was with some guy and then he was being watched and then I got clipped and went to this place.

21:52 Adam Now, so you're basically on leave, the cruise ship is in port, you're on Jamaica just for clarity, you're drinking at a bar, when is the ship due to pull out of port?

22:05 Darrell Hammond In a couple of hours.

22:07 Adam Oh really?

22:07 Drew You're in jail now or prison?

22:09 Darrell Hammond Well, no, it was a jail, I don't know what's the difference between jail and prison actually. I was in a jail and I had something in my pocket that was a controlled substance and in that part of the world they really, really hate that. Really?

22:29 Adam They hate cocaine?

22:30 Darrell Hammond They hate people that break that law.

22:32 Adam Yeah.

22:32 Darrell Hammond They really, really, really respond to that emotionally.

22:36 Adam And by the way, it's a strange culture to really come down on drugs. You know what I mean? The Jamaican culture.

22:44 Darrell Hammond Well, it was explained to me when I was in my cell that there was a separation there and there were some people that didn't care about it one way or another. But I mean, the truth is that there are a lot of really good people there and they're very religious and they play by the rules and they hate drugs. They hate people that do them and they have laws and when they can, they enforce them.

23:05 Adam And so how long are you in jail for?

23:08 Darrell Hammond Let's see, Friday, Saturday, just like three and a half, almost four days.

23:10 Drew And you didn't know how long you were going to be there?

23:12 Darrell Hammond No, I really didn't. I didn't know when the arraignment was going to be. It wasn't really an arrangement. It was a trial.

23:19 Adam And the ship just pulled up and left.

23:22 Darrell Hammond Yeah, the ship left.

23:24 Adam And were you able to contact them?

23:27 Darrell Hammond No, somebody came down there from the ship. Not at least someone whispered in the air. I saw them not a couple of times. And then let's go throw their arms up and walk away.

23:36 Adam And do they do they comb? I mean, send out a search party. How do they know? How do they even know you're missing?

23:43 Darrell Hammond I don't understand that. I worked on ships for like five years and I would occasionally hear so-and-so didn't come back.

23:50 Adam You know, right. And had you performed already?

23:53 Darrell Hammond I think you know what I think? No, yes, I'd already performed, but I was there with some people from the ship. That saw me, you know, detained.

24:01 Adam Right. And I think about the ship, as I know, but you can correct me. I got buddies who do this once in a while. They can go out on like a nine-day cruise and perform twice, and you're done oftentimes.

24:13 Darrell Hammond The problem with it is that it was a time in my life, and even I just don't do it as much as I used to, but I don't blame other people as much for a lot of the stuff I got into. I don't blame.

24:26 Adam Well, you had some responsibility in this one.

24:28 Darrell Hammond I had a lot of responsibility in this one. Lots of stuff. It was my hands, my movement, my thought process.

24:35 Adam But still bitter.

24:35 Darrell Hammond But back then, the way my head was working was like this was done to me. Well, I'm so sad to say that it really wasn't. Yeah. You see what I mean? But when you're, let's say there's something in your brain you're not clear about, okay? You know, it's kind of fuzzy about this. I don't know how I feel. Get in an underground cell in leg irons. Oh, leg irons? You get clear. You get real clear on who you are and how this happened. You get clinical, like, wait a minute, I did this. I did this. I've had a negative attitude. I've been, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I want another chance. And you want to talk drama. I don't exactly, I've always wondered what is shock? Like, what is shock? Like, when you're sitting in a prisoner's docket and they say, well, the defendant, please rise. And you go numb. You go blank. You know, is that shock? I mean, I don't know.

25:31 Drew That's disassociation.

25:32 Darrell Hammond Whatever.

25:33 Adam We got to take a break, by the way. I know Darrell, well, obviously made it out in one piece. He called his father. And I remember something about his dad. I remember something about revenge, but he let it go. Well, hold on, we got to we got to take a break. No, the dark, introspective and deeply troubled. But but amazingly talented Darrell Hammond and resilient. Thank you. Darrell Hammond is here tonight. We got some dates for his coming tour, by the way, after this. Hi, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Got a little jet lag, but feeling good. In from Europe, Darrell Hammond is our guest tonight. Darrell, always one of our favorites, and clearly my favorite on Saturday Night Live because he possesses talent, huge amounts of talent, although I don't give him a ton of credit for it.

26:54 Darrell Hammond You know what, to me, to me, I call myself a sword swallower. To me, sometimes I feel like I'm not legitimate at all. You know, because it's this one thing. It's like being a field goal kicker on a football team. You know, you don't feel like you're a football player. You kick field goals and.

27:10 Adam Yeah, but you're a decathlete and that you do, you may be an athlete, but you do so many different characters that you have.

27:18 Darrell Hammond Like a hundred, and I think I've done 111. Really? That's a lot.

27:22 Adam Feel good about yourself, would you, buddy? Let's go. Let's get a hands, put our hands together. Let's go now, get a hand in. Now break it down, Darrell, let's go. Listen, gentlemen, and I say gentlemen, I use that term loosely. I love the funny, the gym coach, it swears he's funny because he's got a bunch of eighth graders that he's scared assless of. And by the way, I just remember going to like junior high, if there was a teacher that told a joke that was that, you know, WC Fields stole from a mummy several thousand years before, I thought it was hysterical. Just the notion that these people, even if they had a personality, if you just discovered that your teacher had just, just even spot them in the supermarket, it was bizarre. Hey, Mr. Jackson, Mr. Delbert over there, he got a hungry man dinner.

28:17 Caller He eats a dinner.

28:19 Adam Yeah, so it was like everything's a novelty. But any kind of joke, anything at all, crazy. I don't know what that is.

28:28 Darrell Hammond Our coaches used to say to us like, if we didn't hit the guy hard enough, the coach would say, and this is accusatory, I don't think you want it.

28:39 Adam You got to prove you want it.

28:40 I don't think you want it, boy.

28:43 Adam I like the, I always liked the trick question, which the ones you knew you're screwed either way. You just get done doing a jingle jangles or wind sprints or something. And it's like, who here's tired? Not me, Coach.

28:57 Caller All right, then we're going to do 10 more.

28:59 Adam It's like, I'm kind of tired, Coach. All right, then you're not in good enough shape. We're going to do 15 more. It's like, you always need a moment to consult.

29:06 Caller Like, who here's tired?

29:08 Adam Okay, let's have a team meeting. Hold on a second, Coach.

29:10 Darrell Hammond Did you benefit in any way for the, did you find skills in that experience that you could use in the rest of your life?

29:15 Caller I did.

29:16 Adam What, like playing little league sports, pop order football, that kind of stuff?

29:21 Darrell Hammond I'm talking about high school football wind sprints far beyond where you thought you could go.

29:26 Adam Once in a while, I'll be running in the car and just throwing a shoulder roll and then I'll run in karaoke style. That's, by the way, that used to be something you did with your feet back. And then I'll turn or switch around and go backwards.

29:37 Darrell Hammond What I get out of that, and this is really sad, but I get A, I can do a lot more than I think I can do. I know that for a fact. And B, I want to make it seem like I'm like some, you know, our artist, the great Darrell, you know, and that these, I wear a cape for what I do, but really it's a lot of practice. I mean, there's no substitute.

30:01 Adam Really? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, obviously, and here's the thing, then we're going to the phones. We got things to talk about.

30:08 Darrell Hammond Can I say one thing? The thing about Saturday Night Live is that we're fast. We get our jobs on Wednesday if we're lucky. Many of us get our jobs on Thursday or Friday.

30:18 Adam Your assignments.

30:18 Darrell Hammond The whole thing is speed. So you have a guy in Vegas that works on an impression for five years. We work on our impressions for two days. And then we get critiqued as if we were, we'd been working on it for a year. And the material's never the same. You see what I mean?

30:36 Adam No, look, people, I mean, we have standups come on this show all the time and not be funny because they're funny when you saw their ad because they've been honing it medium, honing it for for 10 years. I've said this many times about Saturday Night Live. A, people give it too much crap. It's really hard to do. And B, there's there's no taller order than putting up fresh sketch material weekend and week out. It's really hard. Most of these sketch shows, if you do seen around town, it's the same material that's been honed, banged out, worked on.

31:08 Darrell Hammond It seems really hard. It doesn't seem like an easy job to me.

31:13 Adam Here's the thing, though, in my humble opinion. And then we're going to these phones, Drew. I think people, and this is just John Q. Public, guy sitting in middle America with his arms folded, armchair quarterbacking television, thinks Saturday Night Live is easier than it is, thinks something like Whose Line Is It Anyway is harder than it actually is. And for that, many times people have proposed doing sketch comedy shows to me and other guys I work with and stuff. And I would say forget it because it's a 10 on the difficulty scale and people perceive it as a 6. And you see what I'm saying? You want to do something that is a 6 and people perceive as a 10. People watch Whose Line Is It Anywhere, an improv show, and they go, oh, I could never do that. They watch SNL and they go, it was better when John Canning, John Belushi, it wasn't. Go back and watch the old SNL stuff. Their batting average was abysmal. It really was like a memorable sketch every 300 sketches. And most of them were eight minutes long with Buck Henry just trying to F nine year olds. That was actually, it was all Buck Henry trying to F nine year olds. That's all it was. That's all. The show should have been called Buck Henry tries to F nine year olds. It's an old sketch. Uncle, the molesting uncle, Buck Henry. You remember that? You remember that one? We gotta tell Darrell about the Saturday Night Live? The history of Saturday Night Live?

32:41 Drew He's not old enough to remember.

32:42 Darrell Hammond I'm sure I was hammered out of my mind.

32:44 Adam Oh yeah.

32:46 Darrell Hammond Uncle. When I quit baseball, I went on the spree of all sprees. No question about it. I wanted to be a bowl player.

32:54 Adam You're done now.

32:55 Darrell Hammond I mean, you're done with the sprees. No, no, no, I don't drink. I play the field.

33:00 Adam Now it's this. Now we're gonna take a call.

33:03 Darrell Hammond Sorry.

33:04 Adam No, no, listen, we'll talk. We'll talk during the break. Don't know the Buck Henry bit where he's trying to, he's a pedophile. Drew, can you imagine that bit being on today?

33:14 Darrell Hammond Did he get laughs?

33:16 Drew Yeah.

33:16 Adam Yeah. He had like Gilda Radner and-

33:19 Drew And the tall thin one. Lorraine Newman.

33:22 Adam Lorraine Newman and he'd be, and they were dressed up. They were like eight and nine year old girls. And he'd be like, jump up and down on the sofa and let me take pictures. And he'd get down low to get like crotch shots and stuff. People thought it was hysterical. That is heavy. I guess, by the way, it's probably one of the things that doesn't come up in the holes that much. Like, you know what I mean?

33:45 Caller Yeah.

33:46 Adam We gotta look that one up. Uncle.

33:49 Drew Jane.

33:49 Caller We'll get to it.

33:51 Adam Jane? You're 20.

33:53 Caller Yeah.

33:54 Adam What's up?

33:55 Caller I was dating a guy for like eight months and he was really abusive and a few days ago he used to hit me a lot and I told him, you know, don't hit me. And finally he got really, really annoying, I guess. And I told him, that's it. I'm leaving you. I was trying to leave and he hurt me and I probably.

34:18 Adam He hit you? He hit you again?

34:20 Caller Yeah. He grabs me and he throws me around and shakes me.

34:23 Adam All right, hold on. I feel profanity coming, so please think carefully.

34:27 Caller Oh no, no, yeah, it's okay.

34:29 Drew Choose your words cautious.

34:31 Adam That's right.

34:32 Drew All right, so go ahead. What's your question?

34:35 Caller I'm having a hard time getting over him or trying to keep away from him or not think about him.

34:42 Drew All right, one of the theories about why this happens is that when a child is physically or sexually abused, the terror of the experience drives them to need the person even more, they're driven towards a person of attachment. And if the person that terrorize you is a parent, at the once you're terrorized by them and driven more intensely towards them at the same time. And that becomes a source of extreme arousal in adolescence. And so when you go out and look for relationships, the kind of guy you're gonna be attracted to is the same kind of guy that produces those same feelings. And it's why you have trouble disengaging from those relationships. Your attachment needs, your need for the connection is even higher because of the trauma he evokes in you. Does that make sense?

35:30 Darrell Hammond Yeah.

35:30 Drew But the reality is you have to break out of this. You'll die.

35:34 Darrell Hammond Let me ask you a question. What is it, if a parent loses their temper and yells at the child, I'm sick of this, I've been telling you, you know what I mean? I'm sick of you, I'm really mad at you and yells. Yes. That to me doesn't, that's someone losing their temper.

35:48 Drew Correct.

35:49 Darrell Hammond And the child gets, oh wow, I'm scared.

35:51 Drew Right. But it doesn't shatter their regulatory system.

35:55 Darrell Hammond My mommy's yelling at me.

35:56 Adam Right.

35:56 Drew They have to believe, they have to feel powerless and believe that the possibility of going on being may be in question.

36:03 Adam Well, Jane, did your-

36:05 Drew Oh, like their life in danger. Yeah, that's when they feel trauma.

36:07 Adam Did somebody raise their hand to you when you were growing up?

36:10 Caller Yeah, I was punished, like, basically.

36:14 Drew That's not punishment, that's abuse.

36:15 Adam Well, it's public.

36:16 Darrell Hammond What about getting hit with a hammer?

36:18 Drew That's abuse.

36:20 Adam Hey, Jane?

36:21 Drew Was it one of those clown hammers?

36:23 Darrell Hammond No. No, it wasn't.

36:24 Adam That's a mallet, right? Mallet, I beg your pardon. Hey, Jane? Mm-hmm. All right, well, look, you know what you gotta do and you know why you're attracted to this guy. And by the way, these kinds of attractions are stronger than if you just met a nice looking guy who you shared common interests with.

36:38 Drew That's right. That's the irony of all this.

36:40 Adam Yes.

36:41 Drew You're more attached to the horrible, abusive guy that you need to get away from. Your life depends upon it.

36:47 Adam So how about just breaking up with him? Oh, how about a little therapy, too, you know?

36:51 Darrell Hammond Why are you attracted?

36:52 Caller I mean, I've warned him before not to do that and he just keeps doing it.

36:57 Drew Jane, he will not change. He will not change. No way is he gonna change.

37:02 Darrell Hammond Now, wait a minute, if you are not-

37:03 Adam And by the way, let me just say this, too, and we'll get to Darrell's question, which is-

37:07 Drew Someday.

37:08 Adam Someday. Not this, not tonight's show. We'll get to baseball, we'll get to the questions. No, when a guy decides that it's a good idea to hit a woman, that's something that's not in our vocabulary. We couldn't physically do it. I just couldn't do it. And when a guy decides it's okay to do it, there's no coming back from that, or if there is, it's a long road. It's not like, okay, I'm gonna slow it down. I'll stop it this week. Yeah, you might put together a month, maybe a month and a half. But if it's in your vocabulary, It's in your vocabulary. It's in your vocabulary. And to me, it's not a whole lot different than a guy likes looking at the kids on the internet kind of thing. It's like, that's what he does, that's what he's into. We're not capable of it. He's capable of it. And there's gonna be more to follow.

37:56 Drew And so you wanna ask why traumatic relationships result as a source, become a source of attraction.

38:01 Darrell Hammond Yes, that's A.

38:02 Drew Why do you re-traumatize yourself?

38:04 Darrell Hammond A, and then B, can a guy like that change if he wants?

38:08 Drew Yeah, he can, he has to want to a lot. It's like any other compulsive behavior. He has to want to.

38:12 Adam He might need to sober up.

38:13 Drew It might be related to a substance problem. But he's not gonna do it because she wants him to. No way. And she's the one that needs to change and get out of this pattern of re-victimization.

38:23 Darrell Hammond Right.

38:24 Adam And by the way, just for clarity, she says she asked him to stop hitting her. It doesn't count if he's hitting you while you're asking him to stop.

38:33 Darrell Hammond So as an adult, why do you re-traumatize yourself?

38:35 Drew Well, that one little theory I just brought up is that your attachment needs, you're driven more tightly to the person that's terrorizing you if it's a person that you have an attachment to.

38:44 Darrell Hammond Why are you? Because your life is depending on it.

38:47 Drew Yeah, we as humans, when we are terrorized, we go to other humans. And particularly we run to our primary caretakers. If our primary caretakers are the one doing the abuse, at once having a very intense need for them and terror caused by them.

39:02 Adam Now, let me...

39:03 Drew Exactly why the wiring develops, no one quite knows yet.

39:05 Adam Let me say this too, as long as, you know, look, let's just get heavy and do a heavy show tonight. Screw entertainment. And Darrell will do Regis in the 11 o'clock hour. And Sean Connery. But how about this, how about the unknown? Like better to believe in a vengeful God than believe in no God. Do you know what I'm saying? Now I'm getting real heavy and weird. Maybe it's just a jet lag talking. But what I mean is, even though it's something painful, it's something they know. And if you think about it in the deity range, better to have a God that tosses somebody in the volcano every once in a while or causes somebody to get hit by a tornado.

39:46 Darrell Hammond As long as there's a reason that he's doing it, because this way I can avoid it. I have some control over myself. God will do this if I do this. Okay, all right, it's better that way.

39:55 Adam Yeah, the worst place to be is it's just a dark empty universe. I could have a chunk of ice laying on me tomorrow and crush me.

40:02 Darrell Hammond Yeah.

40:02 Adam And I would go nowhere but the ground.

40:06 Drew That's my thought. And then what you're evoking though is feelings of emptiness and aloneness, which is what the human can't tolerate.

40:12 Adam All right, let's get some coffee and take a leak.

40:13 Drew Yeah, let's do that.

40:14 Adam Darrell Hammond here tonight. He's doing himself a comedy tour.

40:24 Drew I didn't know you.

40:24 Caller I thought we were going to take a break for the next one.

40:26 Adam No, we're going, we're going. I just, I just, I was like, Darrell Hammond here, but he's got himself a comedy tour. Watch him do his impersonation of Lurch. Lurch. No, there'll be more. Hey, hey, you think that, what's funny? It's going to be an hour and 15 minutes of that when you get to Tempe, Arizona.

40:44 Darrell Hammond This weekend.

40:45 Adam All right. Well, this week, this, is this Saturday, Sunday, Friday, Saturday?

40:49 Darrell Hammond Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

40:51 Adam All right. Monday, going to be in a drunk tank in Tucson though. So see him, see him over the weekend. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. Hey, buddy, it's Love Line, I'm Adam. Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Let's see, Darrell Hammond in here, by the way, tonight. And who the hell knows who's coming up?

41:34 Drew Jenny McCarthy on Wednesday, Alanis Morissette on Thursday.

41:37 Adam What? Oh, I'm on the, oh, I was looking down at the bottom of the page. Oh, that's right, Jenny McCarthy was supposed to come in here like two weeks ago, right? So when I saw Jenny McCarthy with that 10 names under her, I thought it was an old list. All right, Jenny McCarthy in here on Wednesday, Alanis Morissette on Thursday, good times. Darrell Hammond in here tonight, the backbone of Saturday Night Live, the glue that holds the mortar between the comedic bricks, which sometimes not every sketch is a winner. I'm gonna tell you, it's an impossible task. Don't even try. But then he comes on as Regis or Jesse Jackson and all is right in the world. And by the way, you know, I don't know what they would do without you. And if they did do without you, they'd have to replace you with a you type. I mean, there always has to be some Phil Hartman, there always has to be somebody who can do that and do it well.

42:44 Drew Chris Mathis. I want to hear Chris Mathis.

42:45 Darrell Hammond Oh, Chris Mathis. I have to warm my voice up.

42:50 Caller Andy, you're looking like a defective Pez dispenser. Shut it.

43:00 Adam Chris Mathis. That's a hard one.

43:02 Caller Yeah.

43:03 Darrell Hammond Yeah.

43:03 Drew Oh, because it's not that.

43:04 Adam Would you watch the show?

43:06 Drew There's not much to think about.

43:08 Darrell Hammond Well, it's high pitch. It's a little rougher version of Don Nott.

43:13 Adam But it's also the way that he does it, that he controls it, that he throws it from one guest to the next guest.

43:22 Darrell Hammond And I don't think you can be a total bum and doofs. I mean, you just can't. I always felt that SNL sort of redefined what impressions were. I mean, you've got to be able to think on your feet out there in character.

43:37 Adam Yeah, but to me, impossible, impossible, and true.

43:41 Drew Think on your feet.

43:42 Adam No, that part I could do, but the impression part, don't have, just don't, you know what it's like? It's like vertical lead, you know what I mean?

43:52 Drew Don't have it.

43:52 Adam Don't have it. And 6'2, I can, you know, at my best, I could dunk like a tennis ball, you know, it's the best I could do. Allen Iverson, 6 and hits his nuts on the rim. Tell me to work on it? No. If I work my ass off, I get another quarter inch? That's it. That's life, by the way, everybody. That's how it works. That's why I say, don't try, never try.

44:20 Drew Just accept things as they are.

44:22 Adam In advance. In advance. That's right.

44:24 Drew Accept your genetic endowments.

44:26 Adam That's right. That's right. Colleen?

44:29 Caller Yeah.

44:30 Adam You're 19?

44:31 Caller Yeah.

44:32 Adam What's up?

44:34 Caller It just seems like, like at night period, it seems more and more painful.

44:40 Drew Every time you get a period, it gets more and more painful.

44:42 Caller Yeah.

44:43 Drew Are your periods irregular? Are they heavy?

44:47 Caller Not that heavy.

44:49 Drew Are you on a medication?

44:54 Adam Hold on, Drew. I thought we were going to do...

44:56 Drew Yeah, we don't have time to do it, though.

44:59 Adam What's our bit?

45:00 Drew Chief Thunderbolt.

45:01 Adam Chief Thunder, Proud Bear.

45:03 Drew Proud Bear.

45:04 Adam Thunder Bear. Oh, yeah. We'll do them at the American Indian Gynecologist.

45:09 Drew We'll do them when we get back.

45:10 Adam Drew working as a translator.

45:12 Drew We will do that with Colleen when we return. I just want to make sure. I want to set the soil, make sure.

45:17 Darrell Hammond So what happens?

45:34 Drew Darrell Hammond. Tempe, Arizona. 610-63.

45:37 Caller I don't know.

45:40 Darrell Hammond It's this weekend. Tempe, Arizona. Improv.

45:43 Drew And then 617, the Trump event in New York.

45:46 Darrell Hammond Oh, what the?

45:49 Drew Trump asked me to do it, but he's very impressed by that. He can't do anything like that. He's saying a prayer for you. Well, you know, they say the American Indians walked over the land bridge from over Asia, so there was some linguistic connection there. July 17th, Houston Laugh Stop, July 22nd, July 24th, Vernon Hills Zany.

46:19 Darrell Hammond Let's forget about that.

46:20 Drew Let's talk about this. Tempe. Tempe this weekend.

46:23 Adam That's this weekend, everybody. Hi, Darrell Hammond is here. We'll take a quick break. We'll get back with Colleen and her vagina after this.

46:31 Caller Alright guys, here's the deal.

46:33 Call the Dateline. Sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

46:36 Adam Call the Dateline.

46:37 One call is all you need to make. Call the Dateline. 1-877-889-DATE.

46:44 Caller You know what I'm saying, I'm Dan?

47:10 Darrell Hammond Hey everybody, it's the Loveline.

47:11 Adam I'm Adam. Phone number 1-800-L-A-V-E-1-9-1. Darrell Hammond in studio tonight. Jenny McCarthy in Alanis Morissette. Coming in a little bit later on this week. Darrell is gonna be in Tempe, Arizona, this weekend doing standup. That would be Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Yes, Drew.

47:31 Drew We lost Colleen. Again, increasingly painful periods is endometriosis, ovarian cysts, or just dysmenorrhea. She needs to get that evaluated. On the screen, it said she was a virgin, so we can take STD and ectopic pregnancies off the list.

47:44 Adam I missed a period talk. I really did.

47:46 Drew Well, as it happens, we have Emily here, 22, who needs to talk to a gynecologist, spiritual advisor on line four.

47:53 Adam Emily, line four. All right, what was the name of my chief I can summon?

47:57 Drew A Thunder Bear?

47:58 Adam Chief Thunder Bear.

47:59 Drew Was that right?

47:59 Adam American Indian gynecologist.

48:01 Drew He was a Kwak Yudel, part Kwak Yudel.

48:05 Adam It turns out he's got a little Chinese in him as well. Japanese. I thought it was Chinese that Darrell pointed out. All right, please do not critique my gibberish. But jump in on the phone call. I'll get that Thunder Bear in here.

48:20 Drew Sean Connery may have to ring in on a few of these issues.

48:22 Adam All right, why doesn't Chief Thunder Bear, American Indian gynecologist, and Sean Connery all jump in on this call for Emily? Drew, you're gonna have to work as a translator.

48:33 Drew I'll translate, I don't need to translate the Scottish. I can translate the Algonquin.

48:36 Adam All right, let me go get him.

48:43 Drew Emily? Oh, this phone sucks. Excuse me, Chief. Emily, I'll be translating for Chief Thunder Bear. Okay, Emily, he would like to speak with you. What's the question?

48:56 Well, my question is for Dr. Drew, actually.

49:04 Drew Chopped liver, I tell you. Chopped liver.

49:10 I'm 22 years old and I've been having sex for about two years and every time I have had sex, it has hurt.

49:21 Drew Oh my goodness.

49:22 Caller Where does it hurt?

49:24 Adam In my vagina.

49:25 Drew Of course, in your vagina. But what part of your, again, in your pelvis, is it, all right. Okay, he just has to say a few words of prayer to the, this is the God of, I guess, fertility speaking to. I don't really understand some of these religious allusions. And it's all good now. Emily, it's during intercourse, is that right?

49:59 Yes, during and afterwards.

50:00 Drew During and afterwards, is it right at the point of penetration?

50:03 No, it's like from the beginning, clear to the end and all the way around.

50:08 Adam Chris, Chris, more coffee, more coffee.

50:12 Drew Hey, he's asking, listen, Chris, Chris, hustle, hustle, get it, he's asking you three days in a row for coffee. For God's sakes, what's going on here?

50:21 Adam Coffee, come on, with a little whitener.

50:24 Drew No, milk, not whitener.

50:30 Adam Yeah, come on, Drew, let's go.

50:31 Drew Emily, here's the deal. Is this just with this guy?

50:34 Caller No, I've had sex with two guys and it has been the same.

50:39 Adam What happened to Sean Connery, by the way? That's my question.

50:42 Darrell Hammond I'll talk about Connery in a minute. Let's solve this and then I'll do a little, do you have problems lubricating? I'll tell you how I learned him.

50:47 Caller I feel like I lubricate very well.

50:50 Drew Have you had a pelvic exam? Interestingly, Emily's from Alaska, I'm sure she understood.

50:54 Adam Oh, really?

50:55 Drew Yeah, and do they never find anything when you have pelvic exams?

50:58 Caller No, I've been to a couple of different gynecologists and they say that everything looks normal.

51:03 Drew And is it, are you anxious during these acts? Do you feel uptight or something?

51:07 Adam She waited till 22 before she lost her virginity, which could mean something. Oh, I thought she said she had sex for the first time at 22.

51:14 Caller No, I am 22.

51:16 Drew No, no, she's had it before and each time it's always been painful.

51:18 Adam I don't know where I got the two years ago.

51:20 Drew The translation, the translation. Okay. So that's kind of difficult. But usually, it's called dyspareunia, pain with intercourse and certainly if you had a trauma history, a sexual abuse, that sort of thing, that's a common cause of it. Women that are nervous or anxious may have something called vaginismus where the pelvic floor spasms and the point of penetration can be painful.

51:40 Adam I've had that and then I explain that I'm done and they're relieved. It's like, I don't know if I'm right. Oh, listen, I'm done.

51:48 Drew And they take it out? He takes it out at that point?

51:51 Adam I'm done. I'm actually watching TV. It's like waking up from surgery, like doc, is this gonna hurt?

51:58 Drew I'm your assistant.

52:00 Adam That's okay.

52:03 Drew I'm listening to your coffee now.

52:05 Caller Now me, I'm getting coffee.

52:07 Drew Emily, the deal is then if people get pain with deep penetration, it can be infection, both the uterus or the tubes, there can be a varian cyst, endometriosis, these sorts of things. But did they do a pelvic ultrasound when you were checked out?

52:20 Caller Basically, it feels like my vagina is extremely stretched, like it's almost like a raw ovary.

52:26 Drew Yeah, and maybe it's an anatomical problem. Maybe you are small.

52:33 Adam That happens once in a while.

52:35 Drew I suspect it's probably a combination of that and being a little nervous with these things, because that kind of muscular spasm of the sensation of being too tired this morning.

52:42 Adam She's calling from Alaska. And you know, it's hard to go jogging those mornings when it's really cold. You know what I mean? Just can't never seem to really warm it up.

52:52 Drew Can't loosen up the vagina.

52:53 Adam Feeling tight. But yeah, it's, you know what I'm saying? You're calling, hold on, Hop Singh, this is a very serious problem here. How dare you make light of one of our callers? A very serious problem. It's the same for people from Florida never have any difficulty getting light. Do you know what I'm saying?

53:15 Drew It's on the count of four, yeah.

53:16 Adam Yeah, there's a vagina plenty loose, well-lubricated, smells of coconut oil.

53:23 Drew As opposed to seal blubber.

53:25 Yeah, right, right.

53:27 Adam She's like, too many layers of pelt or something, you know? All right, go to, do they have a layer?

53:33 Darrell Hammond Well, so what is the solve of the thing? It's a combination of-

53:35 Drew She needs a pelvic ultrasound and she needs a understanding partner who really sort of really kind of works with this very carefully and kindly, gently.

53:45 Adam All right, now let's hear about how you do, how one could do. Could you teach someone to do Sean Connery? Can you teach someone to do any of your voices?

53:55 Darrell Hammond I think you can teach them, here's where they're from, here's their dialect, here's where they come from in their throat, here's their speech rhythms. You can coach, sure, put something together and then it's up to them. It's like I took tennis lessons from this dude once and he showed me seven things in 15 minutes and he goes, now you don't need me no more. You practice these seven things for the rest of your life. That's what tennis players do. And I think that you can break things down for people like that. But I mean, the most popular thing I ever did was Sean Connery on Jeopardy. It was like this weird thing where I sit in my office and I was watching this movie, The Untouchables, and I wanted to do him, so I was doing lines from that.

54:38 You know, like, okay, pal, why the hushka? Mr. Nash, I am just a poor big cop, a big cop.

54:46 Darrell Hammond You know what I mean?

54:47 Who would claim to be that? Who is not?

54:50 Darrell Hammond You know what I mean? That's kind of how I learned that. And then we turned it into a little bit of a cartoon, and suddenly we had Sean Connery saying, not a fan of the ladies, are you trabeck? Which makes no sense at all, but I mean, that's probably my only niche in Western civilization.

55:08 Caller I knew I'd go down for something, but not for anal bum covers for 5,000.

55:14 Adam The best on that is when they put old Burt Reynolds, old seven eighties, early eighties, late seventies, smoking the bandit Burt Reynolds. Just chewing his gum and wearing his Trans Am jacket. His members only Trans Am jacket, just that cocky chewing his gum. I don't know, there's something, there's something that maybe just becomes surreal, the certain point about doing an impression of a guy who's still alive, although it's impression of him 25 years ago.

55:47 Drew Yeah, when he was almost a different person.

55:49 Adam When he was a different person.

55:50 Darrell Hammond You do make those, you can make those choices.

55:52 Adam You don't see it that often, and it just cracks me up, but of course Sean Connery on Jeopardy. Now that's, now, since Will Ferrell's gone, do we do that one anymore? No, we don't.

56:08 Darrell Hammond Irreplaceable Will Ferrell. Good, yeah. Very, very, very hard to.

56:12 Adam Well, he did a Alex Trebek that was his own take on it too. Wasn't really totally Trebekian.

56:20 Darrell Hammond That's what geniuses do. I mean, it's his own interpretation of everything, and that's why he killed for five or six years. He just, I mean, it was just unreal being out there with him.

56:29 Adam Oh, really?

56:30 Darrell Hammond Oh my God, he's unbelievable.

56:32 Adam Yeah, he is.

56:33 Darrell Hammond He is fabulous. He's a great, he's a great, great, great comic actor.

56:38 Adam Yeah.

56:38 Darrell Hammond And writer.

56:38 Adam And a nice guy, I might add.

56:42 Darrell Hammond Yeah, that's the weird thing.

56:44 Drew I mean, that's the weird thing.

56:45 Darrell Hammond Oh, no, no, you know, I read this book once about how like geniuses are supposed to be scumbags or something or be dissolute, and he's neither. He's a really, it's a really nice family. He's quite a gentleman.

56:56 Adam Yeah, and you know, the thing about him is he probably got, he came up slow enough not to get a whole ass full of himself too early. It didn't seem like.

57:08 Darrell Hammond It's not in him to ever be that way, and I promise you, I mean, he just won't be. It's not in him.

57:13 Adam No, it would have shown its, reared its head by now.

57:16 Darrell Hammond Yeah, I mean, I've worked with him too many times to know what happens if you give him a microphone and a pencil and a camera. I know what he can do.

57:23 Adam I've never met the man, but let me say this. Yes. No, I've met him three times. He's always very friendly and sort of disarmingly humble as well. Yeah, I asked him to come on the show. He says he doesn't care for you. I promised him you wouldn't be here.

57:43 Darrell Hammond He said, just whatever it takes.

57:45 Adam Just the stink of a stool would be enough. And I don't mean stool.

57:48 Drew You don't mean like I left the stool behind. No, what I sit on.

57:51 Adam That's what I mean. And yes, Sheila, Sheila.

57:58 Caller Oh, yeah.

57:59 Adam You're 17. Did you forget your made up name?

58:04 Caller No, I'm sorry.

58:05 Adam All right, so your name is Sheila. All right, what's up, baby doll?

58:09 Caller Well, I lost my virginity at 15.

58:13 Caller And between the period of two years, I've had sex with maybe five guys. And I've never seen two orgasms, even with masturbating. Never.

58:23 Drew Yeah, which is very, very common for people under 20. And it's one of the amazing things to men that women will even choose to have sex if they didn't have an orgasm.

58:32 Adam Bumped it up 50 years. Yeah. Yeah, this happens.

58:35 Drew All the time. It's routine. It's common. Yeah, most women under 20 don't have orgasms. And they certainly don't have it during intercourse.

58:41 Adam Let's try to do our math thing. And we're always right because we always agree. Yeah, number of women who don't have an orgasm with intercourse are under 18.

58:52 Drew 80%.

58:53 Adam 80 plus.

58:54 Drew Yeah.

58:54 Adam 80 plus. And then oral.

58:57 Drew Oral about 10, 15%.

59:00 Adam Don't.

59:01 Drew Oh, don't? Yeah. Of that 80%.

59:05 Adam Don't break that group off into a separate group.

59:07 Drew A total of 60%.

59:09 Adam Yeah, it's like sort of 50, 50. This is under 18.

59:12 Drew Yeah, under 18.

59:13 Adam But masturbating could get a slightly higher percentage in there. So here's the whole thing. All bets are off before, before, I mean before like 21 for women.

59:27 Drew It's just literally doesn't come online. This biology is not operating yet. Right. But the amazing thing is women are profoundly affected by estrogen at that age, which creates the experience of receptivity. So the idea of sex being a receptive experience and taking somebody in and feeling gratified by that is in fact what young women are experiencing, but doesn't always include orgasm.

59:49 Adam This is this is why women have sex without an orgasm and why guys can't understand. Now, for me, it'd be like the liver lasagna. I tried once when I was stoned. It'd be like, ah, now that's it for me in the lasagna with the liver in it. That's enough. Tried it. Didn't like it.

1:00:06 Caller Kaylee said don't like it.

1:00:10 Adam Hop Singh's mad because he's a cook. It was his list. He chased me out of the kitchen. I told you, the Chinese should not be messing with the baked Italian dishes, Hop. Kaylee, say there are other things you do well. What can I say? Sheila?

1:00:28 Drew Yeah.

1:00:29 Adam Hold on, just like on Bonanza, they had a Chinese cook. Yell at every once in a while.

1:00:37 Drew So, Sheila, relax, that's normal, and maybe slow down on the sex and try to get a relationship going. I'll work it out with somebody.

1:00:42 Adam Also, yeah, that's right. You're finding a guy you're into is gonna help a lot.

1:00:47 Drew Yeah.

1:00:48 Caller Well, see, I was with the guy for like a year, and he never ever, I mean, I cared about him a lot, you know, I mean, it wasn't to the point of, you know, actual like relationship type, you know, it was just like a mutual kind of thing. I mean, I cared about him a lot.

1:01:04 Drew Yeah, but he didn't reciprocate. He didn't reciprocate. And you need to get in a real relationship. Come on.

1:01:08 Adam And just get in a real relationship.

1:01:11 Drew Please.

1:01:11 Adam Gotta be loved there, baby doll. Really?

1:01:13 Caller I mean, I've never felt that connection.

1:01:16 Drew Well, then hang on till you do. That's good.

1:01:18 Adam Just hold out.

1:01:18 Drew It's your body trying to protect yourself from having sex too early, not too soon.

1:01:22 Adam And by the way, the 16, 17 year old guys trying to get orgasm out of a woman's like a raccoon, trying to get a candy bar out of a vending machine, it's a disaster.

1:01:35 Caller It's just shaking the machine.

1:01:37 Adam Shaking, pawing at it. Can see it.

1:01:39 Drew Scratching it, yeah.

1:01:40 Adam It's trying to reach up in there. Eventually it's gonna crap itself and just fall asleep.

1:01:46 Ha ha ha!

1:01:48 Adam I mean, it's a disaster. I mean, now I know, you know, it's like, oh, they see the vending machine, go get the duct tape and the coat hanger, let's go! And a boom handle, let's go. I'll get that thing out of there. I need a pipe cleaner. I need some duct tape and we need about half that my panel. Let's go. Let's get this done. Now, before, though, I was just staring at it through the glass. I started pawing at it, just shaking around a little, just walk around it, go around the back, nothing. Yeah, wait, guys, just think about how lame, think about how lame your average 16-year-old dude is and then imagine what he's trying to do to get the orgasm loose from the chick. And by the way, he's just doing what he would want done to himself, right, which is sort of harder and faster and way off what she needs. Chick doesn't know enough to even know he's not doing the right thing, is not secure enough or comfortable enough to sound off and say anything about it, about the best you can get out of hers. It's burning, stop, it hurts, you know. Yes, it's not going to happen. But then again, the 45-year-old guy goes to town on her and he's a bad guy.

1:02:59 Drew Yes.

1:03:00 Adam OK. That's the world you live in, brother. That is. Well, what are you going to do?

1:03:06 Drew It takes all kinds.

1:03:08 Adam I'll tell you what really needs to be done is, I hate to say, but 16-year-old guys need a little lesson in oral sex. One day. One camp. You know, they have space camp for like 11-year-olds. Oral camp.

1:03:22 Drew Yeah.

1:03:23 Adam Just here's what it is, fellas.

1:03:25 Darrell Hammond You could also get a lesson in some of the class. Women have a lot of classic, impressive qualities, and maybe at 16, you don't really understand that.

1:03:34 Drew And not only do you understand it, our culture indoctrinates males into believing that there's no difference. That it's somehow the same thing, just with long hair. It's like, oh, you want, that's what she wants. Exactly the same way as you. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

1:03:47 Darrell Hammond I mean, my life would have been so much, I mean, I just, I can't believe how stupid I was.

1:03:54 Adam Oh, yeah.

1:03:55 Darrell Hammond And I'm still pretty stupid. I mean, I didn't realize these are really impressive, finely tuned creatures. That's true.

1:04:03 Adam No, you're right. And I'm telling you, 16 year old, nobody dumber than a 16 year old male.

1:04:10 Drew It's not dumb, it's lame.

1:04:11 Adam But 16 year old males, lamer than 12 year old males. Yeah.

1:04:15 Drew Well, under the influence of a drug, testosterone, it's a 12 year old drug.

1:04:18 Adam 12 year old with sack hair.

1:04:19 Drew Yeah.

1:04:21 Adam Religious.

1:04:23 Drew Sacrifice.

1:04:24 Adam Sacrifice fly. Whatever it is, they're sack. Strategic Air Command, that's that AWACS thing. Let's keep going. Sack is a bad thing. I really should give oral camp. I should have oral camp.

1:04:40 Drew You need to think we catch your name for it. Just think about it. Let's go to calls. But you need something. Oral camp doesn't hit it.

1:04:45 Adam Yeah. But we call it the OC.

1:04:48 Just the OC will do.

1:04:50 Adam Now oral camp is sounding a little better, isn't it? Adam Carolla would like to welcome you to the OC. Hopsy. Come on. Get in that kitchen rattle them pots and pans.

1:05:05 Drew Vanessa, twenty-one.

1:05:07 Caller Hello.

1:05:08 Drew Hey there.

1:05:10 Caller I have not really a serious problem, but I just, I need help because my father is, I don't want to say a recovering alcoholic because he never went through a 12-step, but he is making a concerned effort not to drink. Unfortunately, my brother and I are starting to find bottles hidden throughout the house.

1:05:32 Drew Alcoholism, once it's in a diseased state, is not something that he can stop doing. There's something called white knuckling where people can try to hang on for a period of time, but the fact is that the brain's biology has been changed by the drug in this genetically prone individual, your dad, and now his motivational systems are completely preoccupied with using drugs and alcohol. Just the way you would be if you hadn't eaten for three weeks. That's the same kind of drive. Yeah. It's the same kind. Even more so. It's almost like it has a sexual kind of drive to it. It's like you have to satisfy this thing, and it's everything you think all day long is colored by this. It's even a part of the brain that demands behavior without even consulting consciousness many times. The initiation.

1:06:12 Adam Is it not consulting?

1:06:12 Drew Consciousness.

1:06:13 Adam Oh, consciousness.

1:06:14 Drew That it just will just, behavior will be instituted, and you'll just all of a sudden be drinking. And you know, nothing he can do about it unless he gets treatment. That's the only thing he can do to try to cut down for you to try to control it.

1:06:26 Caller But that's the whole thing. We, my brother and I know that, and we want to help him with this, but at the same time, how do we bring it up to him without, like, you know, like, helping him without knowing and...

1:06:34 Adam Are you, are you both... Hold on, quiet down. You both live in the same house he lives in?

1:06:39 Caller Yes, we both, we both came back while we were in school.

1:06:42 Drew Vanessa, what are you talking about? When he's an alcoholic, bring it up, it's his disease, and tell him that you will not have anything to do with his disease. You'll be out of his life and you'll be happy to support his recovery. Very simple.

1:06:52 Adam You guys both went off to college and now it's summer break?

1:06:55 Caller I joined the Army and I'm out and I'm back and my brother ran away to go live in Breckenridge for a year and now he's back.

1:07:05 Adam By the way, hold on, now it's made more sense. For some reason, we're back for the summer. I thought, these don't sound like college, you know, to get an alcoholic pop.

1:07:12 Drew They're both running away. Yeah. Vanessa, think how you're participating in this disease. You're tiptoeing around like you're going to express some truth to him about his disease. Like, oh, we don't want to upset his disease. We might interfere with his drinking. We might upset him. We have to stop his drinking. That's how unwilling you are to actually see to it that he stops drinking.

1:07:33 Adam And by the way, I don't know how the Army works, but do you get to just come back after like a year? Oh really?

1:07:43 Caller I missed Iraq by a month.

1:07:45 Adam Good times. Now it's probably worse where you are because at least there you'd be, you know, more with the gear as they say.

1:07:51 Caller Yeah.

1:07:52 Adam All right. So you're finding bottles, a stash. What about your mom? I'm sure she's long gone or no help.

1:07:59 Caller She's left? She got divorced when I was 12 and she basically skipped out, left him with two kids in the mortgage, but I feared out yourself.

1:08:10 Adam Well, the mortgage part all guys get left with no matter what. And when we're there.

1:08:14 Caller His drinking was really bad, basically uncontrollable, smashed every night. And he would fight with me and that's how I ended up losing out.

1:08:22 Adam Vanessa, so here's your mission. You got to not hook up with an alcoholic, abusive guy yourself, right? You have to not pop out any kids to screw up yourself.

1:08:32 Caller No kids at 21 and through the Army. So I'm doing good so far.

1:08:38 Adam And watch out for the guys you're attracted to.

1:08:40 Drew And go to Al-Anon, get a sponsor yourself. If you really want to do something for your dad, that has the highest probability of getting him into treatment.

1:08:48 Adam That's one of the only things you can do, really.

1:08:50 Drew You can actively do it. That's right. Because you won't dance with him anymore. You won't be in the dance with the alcoholic if you have the support and the connected relationships you need outside of the house with people recovering from codependency. You won't engage in this dance and it will freak him out.

1:09:05 Adam I was thinking...

1:09:06 Drew That may get his attention.

1:09:07 Adam I was thinking about him hiding the bottles and I was thinking that... You know how I always say soufflé humor is a car in the way of the dodo? Darrell, it used to be in sitcoms, it used to be soufflé humor.

1:09:21 Drew It was conventional humor in the 70s.

1:09:22 Adam I'm cooking a soufflé, I come walking in at Act 1 and slam the front door, the wife comes running in, I got the soufflé is in the oven. Be very quiet. And somewhere at the end, the soufflé falls and that's what I call the soufflé humor. It's gone from sitcoms today. You know what else is gone? Hiding humor. The one where the alcoholic is getting the bottle from up over in the light fixture and oh come on, where is, hands in the flask, there's more and they just keep pulling stuff out. They used to do it with weapons too. They'd go like when Starsky's captains say, drop your piece, he'd put it down, give the one out of the boot, you'd have to go down, reach, you keep doing it. It was hot.

1:10:06 Darrell Hammond Where's all this gone?

1:10:07 Adam I don't know. It's gone the way that Dodo. I don't know what Hobson would have to say about it. I'm sure he wouldn't be pleased.

1:10:14 Drew The coconut hitting, the amnesia humor and hit with the coconut.

1:10:20 Adam He's not happy about it. He has to be he is happy they stopped. Stopped calling David Carradine Chinaman, though, by the way, from the 70s. Remember that, Drew? Yeah. That's a very popular show. We're going to take ourselves a little break. Darrell Hammond is here tonight. He'll be Tempe this weekend. That is Friday, Saturday and Sunday. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this. Love line. You know, Drew, smelling good is more than a smell. It's an attitude.

1:10:57 Drew That's true, Adam.

1:10:58 Adam It is?

1:10:59 Drew I know how to get that attitude, too.

1:11:01 Caller How?

1:11:01 Adam Break down.

1:11:02 Caller Well, Axe Deodorant Body Spray.

1:11:15 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline of Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-A-V-E-1-9-1, Darrell Hammond is our guest tonight. Funny.

1:11:29 Drew Ding-dong-de.

1:11:30 Adam It's already night a lot. Gonna be doing a little comedy tour this summer, and it's gonna start by being in Tempe, Arizona, this weekend, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Let me just.

1:11:42 Drew Wait, Darrell's trying to say something.

1:11:43 Darrell Hammond Oh, no, no, no, I was, I said yes, sir.

1:11:49 Adam I'll tell you when Darrell's got something to say.

1:11:52 Drew Sasha.

1:11:54 Adam You're 18?

1:11:55 Caller Mm-hmm.

1:11:56 Adam You're, I'm talking to Sasha because she's been on hold for a hundred minutes, and I gotta get rid of her. All right, Sasha. It says here, although it's an interesting proposition, you're secretly in love with a girl who died? Is this a friend of yours?

1:12:13 Caller Yeah, we met in school and were like pretty much inseparable for a while.

1:12:19 Adam This was a best friend of yours?

1:12:22 Caller Yeah.

1:12:22 Adam How'd she die?

1:12:24 Caller In a car accident.

1:12:25 Adam And how, yeah, how long ago was this?

1:12:28 Caller It was in October.

1:12:31 Drew Was it a romantic relationship?

1:12:34 Caller No, I never told her, you know, that I, you know, loved her or anything.

1:12:39 Adam You had a crush on her while she was alive.

1:12:42 Caller Yeah. And I never told her, but, you know, I, she always knew that she was like a really special friend.

1:12:48 Adam Yeah.

1:12:49 Caller And she let me know that I was special for her too.

1:12:52 Adam Yeah. Well, here's the problem when these kinds of tragedies happen is not only is, you know, somebody dead from a car crash, but whatever feelings you have, they just get amplified. They become sort of glorified. Yeah, eventually they become sort of bigger than they would have been.

1:13:14 Drew But also a lesbian relationship, you're a lesbian, right Sasha?

1:13:18 Caller No, actually I'm not. That's the problem.

1:13:21 Drew That's the problem.

1:13:22 Caller Like my boyfriend now who I'm really, you know, I really have deep feelings for him, but he feels like he's competing with a dead girl.

1:13:31 Adam Yeah, better than live competition. I can tell you that right now.

1:13:36 Drew Well, the deal is...

1:13:39 Adam That's my thing.

1:13:40 Drew It's good.

1:13:40 Adam Like my feelings like with dead, I don't care. You name the sport, softball, I'll take them.

1:13:46 Drew Dead player, yeah.

1:13:47 Adam Yeah, Ted Williams, a great ball player, but I could take him. I could take him now. Yeah, I mean, in this day, you know, no competition, obviously, but now that he's dead, probably take him.

1:14:02 Drew Probably.

1:14:03 Adam He still probably feels a little better than I do, but I think I take him hitting.

1:14:07 Drew But Sasha, the fact that you don't want to open up and have intimate relations right now is understandable. You're still sort of reeling from this loss.

1:14:17 Adam And it also smacks of something else that's up.

1:14:20 Drew It does smack of something else.

1:14:22 Adam And so does this sort of bisexuality. And I know people get confused about that when they listen.

1:14:28 Drew But some of this may just be screwed up 17 year old stuff.

1:14:30 Adam And there's that too. I mean, look, and this is definitely a loss. There's no doubt about it. And I don't know what to say about it other than you gotta move forward.

1:14:42 Drew And she hasn't, and it's been more than six months.

1:14:44 Adam Which means she was depressed or is depressed.

1:14:46 Drew It means getting depressed. And so it's worth having an evaluation, Sasha, talk to somebody who's used to deal with adolescent issues and get this properly checked out.

1:14:54 Adam Yeah, he had a couple of good friends die when I was 18.

1:15:00 Drew Adolescents are actually profoundly affected by...

1:15:02 Adam Bounce right back.

1:15:03 Drew Well, they're usually profoundly affected by peers that die. Those that actually have feelings. And because adolescents don't think of themselves as mortal, they don't think of themselves as biological, and they're sort of not supposed to die. And so when they do, it's very shattering to them. So yeah.

1:15:18 Adam And probably confusing.

1:15:19 Drew Confusing, yeah.

1:15:21 Adam Laura?

1:15:22 Caller Yes.

1:15:23 Adam You're 23? Mm-hmm.

1:15:25 Caller You can call me Anna, though. Oh, yeah? I listen to you guys for years.

1:15:29 Caller All right.

1:15:30 Caller One of my question is...

1:15:31 Caller I'll tell you what.

1:15:32 Adam We're going to call you what's on the screen, Laura.

1:15:34 Caller That's fine.

1:15:35 Adam Because that'll screw me up. Go ahead, Laura.

1:15:38 Caller My question is, I've been married for five years. I have a two-year-old son, and me and my husband, we fight a lot. And I went... For some reason, I got involved with another person on the side for a couple months. And they broke up with me, and I went running back to my husband. But my question is, is maybe I'm finding myself having depression problems. I'm not sure if maybe I'm having a lot of problems with my relationship, and I don't know.

1:16:01 Drew What do you mean, maybe you're having and you don't know? You've...

1:16:04 Caller Well, I mean, I don't know what...

1:16:06 Adam You've put a check by that box.

1:16:07 Drew Yeah, you've said...

1:16:08 Adam Trouble with the relationship.

1:16:08 Drew Yeah, you've said it's a horrible problem. You've been having affairs, you've run away. What do you mean? What are you asking?

1:16:14 Caller He's asking, how do you know if you feel like you're with the right person?

1:16:17 Caller I mean, if you feel like that you're trapped or...

1:16:22 Adam I ask myself the same question every time I come into the studio.

1:16:24 Drew Yeah, I wanted myself.

1:16:25 Adam Hey, Laura, here's... Okay, let's explore this for a second because I think people get into that, is this my soulmate? Is this the right person? They get into that a little too much in this society. It is... Whoever you're with could be the right person, could be the wrong person, depending on what you and the person make of it.

1:16:48 Drew Right. You have to be willing to try to establish a real relationship.

1:16:51 Adam And so do they.

1:16:53 Drew The two of you need to be willing to do that. And if he's not willing to work on this and if he is stuck in this sort of acrimonious, painful, hostile relationship and doesn't want to let go of that, wants to try to make something peaceable and workable for you, that's not going to work.

1:17:08 Adam But we should also find out, like usually women who cheat or do what you did, and also it says here the guy's 37.

1:17:16 Drew So it means he was 32 when you were 18 when you got involved with him.

1:17:20 Adam Well, they've been married for five years, right? Yes. Do you have a certain nationality or is it just translucent? Translucent white trash. Okay, because let me just talk about you behind your back for a second. I don't want to sound cruel, but once in a while, sometimes if you're super ultra like purebred white trash, you can actually start sounding like you're from like an Eastern block country or something. I don't know. I'm not sure what it is. I was getting like almost a little bit of an accent. It's not Laura. All right. So what went so wrong in your family of origin that you got hooked up with this 30? Well, you got married at 18 and he was 32. God knows how old you were when you hooked up with the guy.

1:18:05 Drew What were you running away from at home?

1:18:10 Caller My mother was having a lot of problems with my mother.

1:18:13 Adam Where was your dad? Not around?

1:18:15 Caller No. My dad was like a really bad loser, sexual abusing.

1:18:22 Adam That's trouble. And now we really don't trust this guy. Yeah. And you were, how old were you, by the way, when you hooked up with this guy? We can't hear her answer.

1:18:35 Caller About 16 or 17.

1:18:36 Adam All right. 16 or 17.

1:18:39 Drew 15 or 14. Yeah.

1:18:40 Adam Let's, we'll always go down on that one. Sort of like weight. Except for the way you go the other direction. Age, we go this way. Weight, we go up. That would hurt for him at 28. You have one child with him? Yes? OK. So a couple of things. Just damage control stuff. No more goddamn kids because you're not in any shape and neither is he. That's number one. Number two, you've got to get yourself some help otherwise you're going to screw this kid up worse than you got screwed up.

1:19:10 Drew At least get yourself some help. Whether or not he wants to participate in it or not, at least you can take yourself and get some help.

1:19:15 Caller Like marriage counseling because I think maybe I have like a depression problem. I think that's why I'm not another person.

1:19:21 Drew Well, I'm sure you do with the sexual abuse and all that stuff. You're going to be very prone to that. But you also probably have what's called a personality disorder, which is the result of having been traumatized as a kid. And that's something that needs to be dealt with professionally.

1:19:33 Darrell Hammond It's just... What's a personality disorder?

1:19:36 Drew Well, in her case, it's a chronic lifestyle of dysfunctional, chaotic relationships. That's a sign of it.

1:19:45 Caller Uh-oh. And Darrell, for that one.

1:19:49 Adam And Hopps. Oh, no, I think we really struck a nerve with Hopps. Clearly uncomfortable with this line of questioning. It must have hurt you through that kitchen door with the spray on it.

1:20:02 Darrell Hammond So that's how you know you have a personality disorder. You have chaotic relationships.

1:20:05 Drew Well, not exclusively that, but trauma history, chaotic relationships, unstable difficulty maintaining jobs, unstable mood states, intense relationships, all that stuff is part of trauma survivorship and PTSD, borderline personality disorder.

1:20:18 Adam Okay, here's what, here's all you really need to understand from this conversation, which is if you were sexually abused by your father, you have to get some counseling.

1:20:29 Caller Right.

1:20:30 Drew And depression would be expected.

1:20:32 Caller I had counseling. I had therapy when I was really young.

1:20:35 Adam Yeah, but that's just making crap out of clay.

1:20:39 Drew That was banned.

1:20:40 Adam You got to get into it a little bit now.

1:20:42 Darrell Hammond It could last for a long time.

1:20:44 Drew Yeah, it should.

1:20:45 Darrell Hammond It should last for a long time.

1:20:46 Adam Oh, I will tell you, I would love to be a counselor for a judge. That's what I want to do, ultimately. What? I want to counsel like five-year-olds. We are molested. Here's some clay. I'm going to be smoking. Let me, I'll come back. I'll come back, wait about 45, 50 minutes is what you made there. That's daddy punching mommy. All right, great. That's $90. We'll see you next week, all right? Bring some clay, though, because mine dried up. Bring clay. I'm going to smoke another butt. You're going to work on some clay some more? Who's coming in? I've got to buy more of those mini-chairs. I've got to buy the small chairs. Yeah, there you go. Child counselor. And what's that drawing? What is that? That's a daddy-stabbing money. Okay. That's $90. We're going to try to get some more clay. And can you pick me a pack of smokes? You're going out. And the mini-bean bag, too. Not just a mini-chair, a small bean bag. I'll get some colorful carpeting. It'll be great. Yeah, that's it. I'll get some nonsense, say, indoor-outdoor carpet. You work with clay. I'll sit here like a genius. By the way, I may write a children's book, too. This is going to be great. I've got two words on every page. I'll get someone else to illustrate. It will be huge.

1:21:59 Caller Yeah. Darrell.

1:22:02 Caller Well done.

1:22:03 Adam Yeah, I just, I really, I don't believe, I would really like to just work with, like, people that were sort of, I like to work with kids that are sort of pre-speech, that would bench out.

1:22:13 Caller Yeah?

1:22:15 Adam Drew, that's all they do. You work with clay. They do. Yeah. You know I'm right. Children's books. I'm right about that one, right? You don't have to do anything right. And by the way, the greatest children's novelist there, I mean, if you call yourself a novelist, the greatest children's book writer of all time is Dr. Seuss and break his work down. Really take a good look at Green Eggs and Ham. Take a good, good hard look at it.

1:22:45 Darrell Hammond What do you see when you look at that?

1:22:46 Adam I see something I could have crapped out in about 15, 20 minutes. I couldn't have drawn it, but in a train, yeah, no. How about in a plane? No. How about in a box? No. How about with a fox? Really? This is genius, everyone. Amazing. No one else could have done this. I'm bitter because I didn't think of it. I didn't think of it.

1:23:06 Darrell Hammond I always thought a lot of that book.

1:23:07 Adam There was something called Hop on Pop.

1:23:09 Darrell Hammond I mean, a guy named Sam I Am.

1:23:12 Adam Sam I Am, Hop on Pop. And by the way, didn't this guy have a wife?

1:23:16 Caller Who's Sam I Am?

1:23:19 Adam No, Dr. Seuss, like, I got an idea for books called Hop on Pop. Why don't you get on those leaves?

1:23:24 Caller Get out the yard.

1:23:26 Adam Yeah, Sam I Am? How about Sam I Am and Make With the Garbage Cans, would you?

1:23:30 Darrell Hammond I think Lincoln, I heard Lincoln's wife was all over him all the time.

1:23:35 Caller You're always emancipating.

1:23:37 Caller What the hell, enough with the emancipation.

1:23:40 Drew Her son had her put away. Really?

1:23:42 Adam Oh yeah, that's right.

1:23:43 Darrell Hammond The rights of men, the rights of men. That's all I hear from you is the rights of men.

1:23:47 Caller Get at, you know, I really want to go to a president.

1:23:50 Darrell Hammond I want to go to be.

1:23:51 Caller I want to go to a taffy poll and you want to emancipate.

1:23:55 Adam They always do that. They always say, like, you know, behind every great man is a great one. But what about all the while the naysaying wives historically been talking about writing Lincoln?

1:24:05 Darrell Hammond She was hell on him.

1:24:07 Caller Oh yeah.

1:24:07 Adam What about that? Drew, your wife yelling at you all the time. You want to write a book? She's mad.

1:24:13 Drew Oh, it's not good.

1:24:15 Adam You're just saying that because you may be listening. My wife is all the time like, oh, you can't get on. Will you shut up already? I can't concentrate.

1:24:24 Darrell Hammond One of the things that you say that just don't make any sense like, you know, I'm tired. You're always tired. That's because I'm always working. You're always working. I mean, you know, sometimes they seem ludicrous. But I mean, when you have a kid, it gets complicated, doesn't it, Doctor?

1:24:38 Adam Does your wife yell at you to stop doing impressions of her though?

1:24:41 Darrell Hammond No, I don't even do them in our house.

1:24:43 Adam That you're so beaten down. No, that's so broken. So broken at home, Drew. I'm scared to talk around my house. My wife just says, OK, would you quiet?

1:24:53 Caller Just watch the soprano. Big casino.

1:24:56 Adam Big cascada. Quiet. And this is how I shut up for ten seconds. And she's like, stoo gods. You don't talk.

1:25:02 Drew What is it about your life, Adam, that everywhere you go and everything you do, you want to talk, people tell you to shut up?

1:25:07 Caller Yeah, but that's the life you've created for yourself.

1:25:09 Adam Well, when I shut up for ten minutes, everyone starts yelling at me.

1:25:11 Darrell Hammond That you're stoo gods.

1:25:12 Adam Stoo gods! Yeah, that's the other thing. It's like I need some sort of in-between mode. Everyone will be happy. Like I say a word like every one point, every like 2.8 seconds, just one word, like an ad.

1:25:26 Drew Just don't shut up.

1:25:27 Darrell Hammond Shut up for three minutes to five minutes. Work it in with moderation.

1:25:33 Adam I'm going to do that right now, actually, for exactly four minutes. Darrell Hammond in the studio tonight, we'll take a quick break, we'll be right back.

1:25:43 Love Line with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew. I'm Adam.

1:26:06 Adam That's Dr. Drew. Darrell Hammond is in studio tonight. A show becomes so cathartic for Darrell, I don't think he can take it. If this show were three hours, Darrell would kill himself. There's no doubt about it.

1:26:22 Drew Either that or a send to something.

1:26:23 Darrell Hammond Well, no, you're sitting there, you're cracking jokes, then someone calls up, they're getting hit. And the abuse, I mean, the serious...

1:26:29 Drew Well...

1:26:30 Adam No, I know, I know. It's my job.

1:26:34 Darrell Hammond When the doctors match, the two doctors that roaming around here.

1:26:36 Adam No, but I'm just saying, like you make fun of these, you do impressions and stuff, and then once in a while you have to meet Clinton. And it's weird, but you have to... Yeah, it's just my job. It's my job. That's what I'm giving you right now.

1:26:51 Darrell Hammond Okay, all right. And what I'm saying is I'm just being human when someone calls up about getting beat up. I don't typically listen to that.

1:26:59 Adam It's not funny.

1:27:00 Darrell Hammond I hear from people like that.

1:27:01 Adam No, no. And, you know.

1:27:04 Drew That's most of our callers though.

1:27:05 Adam My job. Yeah, but here's-

1:27:06 Darrell Hammond That's right. And it's interesting and I'm listening.

1:27:08 Adam No, we're less, we're fans. I just put it out. He started to look like Clinton, by the way, did you see?

1:27:16 Darrell Hammond Oh, great.

1:27:17 Adam Cross-arm, he bit his lip. He did that Clinton lip. Love the, love the thumbs up.

1:27:22 Drew I want to hear what Clinton says in his book about his sexual addiction. That's gonna be interesting.

1:27:26 Darrell Hammond And I'm curious what his take should be about it.

1:27:28 Drew I have no idea. He's gonna have to say something that will disappoint.

1:27:33 Caller Why?

1:27:34 Darrell Hammond Why are you saying that?

1:27:35 Caller He can't give the whole.

1:27:36 Drew Because he is really, I've known about this since he walked into the White House that the two of their relationship is so sick.

1:27:43 Adam Hillary and Bill.

1:27:44 Drew And his alcoholism addictions are profound. And he's been hiding it.

1:27:49 Darrell Hammond Wait, did you say alcohol?

1:27:50 Adam Yeah.

1:27:51 Drew Where's that from?

1:27:51 Adam He's got a nice.

1:27:52 Drew I just know, I just.

1:27:53 Adam Well, first off, he's got a pretty good gin blossom going too.

1:27:58 Drew If you see cartoons of him, just put it next to him. Yeah, put it next to him.

1:28:02 Adam Fields. See, his nose looks redder.

1:28:05 Drew And he's got, his mom was an orphan addict. He was a severe trauma survivor. Said, at least. What was his trauma? Beat the, they beat dad, the step dads beat the crap out of him. You know, and he had to break up with them beating the mom up. And he has all these stories about this. And they tell him, oh, now it's a big deal. This is a big deal.

1:28:25 Adam Think about the definition. And Drew, give me the definition of addiction, by the way.

1:28:30 Drew Ongoing use in the face of consequence. Right.

1:28:33 Adam Now, in the face of consequence, you're basically the leader of the free world and you're going to risk it all with a fat intern in the Oval Office. That's addiction.

1:28:43 Drew That's right.

1:28:44 Adam That's the essence of addiction. Who cares? I'm cautious. I don't care. I don't care if it's a million to one. I'm rolling the dice. That's part of the deal. Just think about the risk he is willing to, you know, I mean, the guy's the goddamn president of the United States. He's willing to carry on. That's addiction. Absolutely.

1:29:06 Darrell Hammond Absolutely.

1:29:06 Adam You better hope it's addiction, by the way, or else the world's dumbest man. I mean, he's either retarded or he's addicted.

1:29:12 Darrell Hammond Let's think if you're a baseball player, let's say, like I was, and you keep drinking even though you can't play anymore. Correct? Mm-hmm.

1:29:19 Drew That's alcoholism. Yeah, addiction.

1:29:22 Adam Let's hop to the phones here. But so the point is, he's going to come out, hold on. He's going to come out with a tell-all book, except for when you're done with it, it's going to feel like you just ate a big handful of cotton candy.

1:29:35 Drew Right.

1:29:36 Adam Looks like something, feels like something's nothing. It's belch up air.

1:29:39 Drew We'll see.

1:29:40 Adam Yeah?

1:29:40 Drew I'm anxious to see how it's portrayed.

1:29:42 Adam Well, the guy's a sociopath.

1:29:44 Drew No, I don't know if he's a sociopath.

1:29:45 Adam You don't think so?

1:29:45 Drew I don't think so.

1:29:46 Darrell Hammond Because I've seen him in person and I'm telling you, this is a gifted guy. I mean, I would know if the guy, this guy cares when he talks to you. I mean, if he's acting or he's not acting, you can't tell. I mean, this guy works the room and he loves it and he's gifted.

1:30:04 Adam There's no doubt.

1:30:05 Darrell Hammond And a great administrator.

1:30:07 Drew And a great administrator. A brilliant man.

1:30:09 Darrell Hammond Yes.

1:30:09 Drew Can't think that way from him.

1:30:10 Darrell Hammond So he's great at the job.

1:30:11 Drew Yeah. Well, let's talk about who he really is. Why can't we be honest about that? It's important.

1:30:17 Adam Yeah.

1:30:17 Darrell Hammond Yeah, but the guy that he produces.

1:30:19 Adam No, no, no doubt he's effective. Look, most...

1:30:22 Drew Well, but he wasn't as effective as he could have been. His addiction almost took him out. That's the point.

1:30:27 Darrell Hammond I see.

1:30:27 Adam Yeah. And, yeah, I've spent a little, maybe a little too much time on him getting the BJ and a little less time on Al Qaeda during his reign. I don't know whose fault that was. But the point is, no doubt he's effective and no doubt... Look back on it. Think about the timeline. Think about the money and the time spent. Meanwhile, the Al Qaeda guys are making training videos and we're ignoring them. But anyway, the point is, I don't know if Clinton has a response to that. Does Clinton have a response?

1:31:00 Drew Can't do it.

1:31:01 Darrell Hammond There's nothing wrong with getting a BJ that cannot be fixed by what is right with getting a BJ. No, but I mean, you're oversimplifying it. Are you mischaracterizing that whole era?

1:31:20 Drew I'm amazed that here we are looking back at the Reagan era with glowing, idealized renditions of what happened. I remember that as being extremely cantankerous.

1:31:27 Adam Here's the thing, we always, we do it in a negative way, we do it in a positive way. Here's the thing about Clinton, never met the man, obviously. I think he has a personality disorder and not necessarily in a way that's going to make him a bad friend. I think he'd be a great friend, I think he'd be a great guy to hang with, he might even be a great guy to run the country. He might be great at many things. Guys are screwed up, women are screwed up, always more effective for a period of time than any of the greatest performers or the most screwed up people, probably the greatest leaders and dictators and whatever, always the best, pilots, astronauts, everything. But there's, he manipulates and I never feel like I'm getting everything, like most politicians from it. I'm just, I'll be surprised if you're impressed by his book, Drew. We'll find out because you're going to, you're camping out at the Barnes and Noble.

1:32:22 Drew I may have to.

1:32:23 Adam And listen, if you want to know where you can get the book, get it same place you get Drew's book.

1:32:29 Drew That's right.

1:32:29 Adam Coming out in a pulp, right?

1:32:31 Drew Papyrus.

1:32:32 Adam Going from paperback to pulp coming this summer. All right, Darrell Hammond. Thanks to you, Drew. We didn't take another call. Darrell Hammond is here now. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:32:42 Caller Alright guys, here's the deal. You're looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

1:32:47 Caller One call is all you need to make.

1:32:48 Darrell Hammond Call the Dateline.

1:32:49 Caller 877-889-DATE. Call the Dateline.

1:33:03 Caller This hour brought to you in part by Axe.

1:33:15 Adam It was a fast show, it was a slow show.

1:33:18 Drew A fast show.

1:33:19 Adam Fell fast. Yeah, I got a little jet lag, so I'm gonna spin around just a little bit. Darrell Hammond, by the way.

1:33:24 Drew Yes. Dear, dear friend.

1:33:25 Adam Dear friend, big fan. Thanks for coming on the show. Always an interesting time.

1:33:31 Darrell Hammond Yeah, I don't know why I don't like calling sometimes to say hi.

1:33:34 Adam That'd be great.

1:33:35 Darrell Hammond All right, so I'll get the number.

1:33:36 Drew Right.

1:33:36 Adam Yeah, we'll give you that. All right, do we have that number?

1:33:39 Drew Do we have phones here?

1:33:41 Adam Yeah, you call it, you call it. Darrell Hammond, we're gonna be in Tempe, Arizona. This, not a big college.

1:33:47 Drew Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

1:33:48 Adam Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Thursday?

1:33:50 Darrell Hammond I don't know, I think so.

1:33:51 Drew Oh, okay.

1:33:52 Darrell Hammond I know Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

1:33:53 Adam A long weekend. It will seem short if you see Darrell, because time flies. We'll take a little extended break. Jenny McCarthy coming in Wednesday, Thursday, Atlantis, Morissette. Until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying, Mahalo.

1:34:06 Darrell Hammond There's nothing wrong with getting a BJ that cannot be fixed by what is right with getting a BJ.

1:34:20 This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Andy Gold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Monday, June 7, 2004