Episode 1000618985169

1:46 Unacceptable. Unacceptable.

1:50 Drew We- I trust that the Corolla that does arrive will be appropriately humble, Adam Carolla. But I can't get my hopes up because after all, come on, let's be serious here. But anyway, it has been a nice vacation for Mr. Corolla. Those of you that have been listening all week, I was working with Stryker. And now this is even more freeing. It's just you guys and me and we'll take a whole bunch of calls. So let's go right to it. This is Rebecca 18. Rebecca. Rebecca?

2:15 Yes, you.

2:21 Drew I'm telling you what, that's-

2:23 Unacceptable.

2:25 Drew I'm not as irritable as Corolla as I can handle a little phone problem, but get to a place where you can- Unacceptable. We at least can hear you. This is Dora 13. Hey, Dora.

2:36 Adam Hey, what's up?

2:39 Drew You are so kind. What's going on?

2:46 Adam And like my mom, like, she says I'm, you know, I'm going to be a virgin till I'm married and I'm not going to leave the house till I'm married. And I wanted to go-

2:54 Drew It's not a bad plan, by the way, but go ahead.

2:56 Adam Well, yeah.

2:56 Drew It may not be your plan, anyway.

2:58 Adam I wanted to go to this college, this really good college, but-

3:02 Drew Where do you want to go?

3:03 Adam It's Lindenwood University.

3:05 Drew Out there?

3:06 Adam Mm-hmm. And well, actually I had wanted to go out to California to go to college, but of course she's not gonna let me because that meant I would have to live on campus. And she's like Christian. She's like really, really crazy. And you know, I can't kiss any guys until I'm married and all this stuff. And she's like gonna want me to get married really young. And it's really freaking me out because I don't want to get married young and everything.

3:29 Drew Did she get married young?

3:30 Adam What?

3:30 Drew Did she get married young?

3:31 Adam No, she didn't, but she was like a crazy hippie.

3:34 Drew Oh, really? How interesting. She went from hippie to religious zealot. Well, yeah. It sounds like she's struggling with her own issues. Dora, in spite of whatever criticism you want to levitate your mom, you sound pretty good. Right? You're doing okay? I take it all back. Are you acting out as a result of that, you think?

3:56 Adam I don't know. I've only had one boyfriend before.

3:59 Drew Well, you're 13. That'd be about right.

4:02 Adam But all my friends are like, oh my God, you've only had one boyfriend.

4:04 What's your problem and all that?

4:06 Drew Well, here's the deal, Dora. You need to kind of slow down. Because you were sexually abused, because you have a mom that's sort of intrusive, let's call her, or at least controlling, it's going to be a tendency for you to be attracted to guys that are abusive or aren't available and these sorts of things. And the need for arousal and the need for a lot of excitement is going to be something that's going to be highly enticing for you. And that's what your mom is trying to fight against. And it's going to be actually good for you if she can contain it for a few years. At least wait until, let's say you're 16 to start going to town, okay? Just kind of hang on for a few years. And after 16, make plans to go away to college and just do so, that's what you're going to do, that's fine. Does that sound okay? All right, no easy answer. But your mom has your best interest at heart. It just, she sounds like she's overdoing it in a way that's actually kind of traumatizing, it sounds like, but kind of hang out for a few years, right? This is Bob, 23, Bob.

5:00 Caller Hey, how you doing, Adam? Or I'm sorry, Drew.

5:02 Drew Drew, what's up? Adam, let's see, you should be descending through about 23,000 right now, so.

5:09 Caller Hey, that's totally fine. This question probably better suited for you anyway.

5:12 What's up?

5:14 Caller Yeah, I'm 23, I live in Chicago. I have a pretty bad gambling problem. Yeah. Well, it's not bad, I mean, I win a lot. That's how actually I'm supporting me and my family. I have a five-year-old daughter. I've gone through school, and my wife is currently going through school. Well, she's on my wife fiance, I apologize, I'm so used to calling her my wife. She's going through school now. And we live in a town about an hour and a half outside of Chicago, it's a college town. Her parents are very supportive with the kids.

5:42 Drew You in DeKalb or something?

5:44 Caller Oh, very good, yeah, DeKalb. Oh yeah, we're in Northern.

5:46 Drew I figured that was an hour and a half out of Chicago, all right.

5:48 Caller Yeah, very good, yeah, that's where we're at. She's originally from Naperville. I'm a little closer to the city than my parents are. Really, what the problem is stemming from is in order to like support my lifestyle, I have to go, I mean, like my family, I have to go about an hour to the city every, you know, almost every night to, you know, play some cards. And, you know, I make a couple, I mean, my hourly rate's about $2.25 an hour when I play cards. So, I mean, I can't get a job right now, especially with my majors, to, you know, support my family like that. And she just doesn't get it. She just doesn't get it. And she's having a lot of issues with that. And, you know, I see my kid, I spend a lot of time with my kid. But she's having a lot of problems with me being gone every night.

6:31 Drew So you think it's a basketball game? What kind of game are you playing?

6:34 Caller I'm a poker player. I mean, this is about life.

6:36 Drew I mean, poker has become almost institutionalized as a legitimate, not even just a sport, but a profession.

6:43 Caller Yeah, I mean, like, I've been playing a long time. I've been playing since I was almost a kid. And, I mean, I've never seen it like this before. I mean, TV has done so much for it.

6:51 Drew Yeah, well, I had played in one of those crazy gambling. I thought I was going to go there and represent GAMBLES Anonymous. And I realized that this has been sort of a highly structured profession for some people.

7:00 Caller It really is no longer a gamble. I mean, people are respecting it as a sport and as a game skill.

7:04 Drew And so it doesn't sound like you... Are you an alcoholic?

7:08 Caller No, I hardly drink. I mean...

7:10 Drew So you really... this is just your game, this is your skill. You're just getting paid for your skill.

7:15 Caller Exactly. It's just me. I mean, it's hard to justify it as a job. I mean, I don't try to tell my parents I played too much, but I mean, they kind of wonder where my money is coming from. In fact, I got audited twice in the last couple of years. And I've started declaring all my winnings now.

7:29 Drew By the way, DeKalb, I know if Adam would just... just to sort of channel Adam's presence, the home of Barboire... The first thing that I want you to do is when you get to Cal, we'll take you to the Museum of Barboire and then point out that Cindy Crawford came from that town.

7:41 Caller Yeah, I was going to say that's what you just told my bit there.

7:45 Drew And as Adam would point out also, yeah, she got the hell out of there as fast as she could.

7:49 Caller I mean, I'm trying, man. I mean, she's going to school here now. Another thing she's pulling with me too is I got out of school in six semesters. I mean, I tried doing everything I could to get out because I knew I had my daughter and I had to take care of her as quick as I could and get a real job, although I started my own company.

8:07 Drew So you're fine, right? You're fine.

8:10 Caller I just need to know what I can do. I mean, do you really see what I'm doing as a problem?

8:14 Drew I don't.

8:15 Caller Okay, I mean, she just has a problem that I'm not there every night with her. I mean, I spend as much time as I can with my daughter.

8:19 Drew Yeah, that's a problem of any job, in fact. You know, although addiction is defined as consequences, there really has to be a connection between the actual act and the consequence, not just the lack of availability, because many other things could keep you outside the house as well. And I just don't see, and there's a progressive nature to addiction, and this is a very highly controlled situation. I personally have never seen true gambling addiction without other forms of addiction sort of percolating along with it. So I don't think this is really a problem there. Rebecca, are you back?

8:48 Caller Yes.

8:49 Drew All right, much better.

8:53 Caller Okay, my boyfriend and I, are you there?

8:58 Drew I'm here, all ears.

9:00 Caller My boyfriend and I, like when we first got together, we, like, it was kind of just an attraction. Like we, like I don't want to say that all we did was have sex, but...

9:12 Drew Nearly all you did.

9:13 Caller You actually spoke on a couple of...

9:16 Drew Occasionally you spoke to one another.

9:17 Caller Exactly. But now it's like, like we've been together for probably almost 17 months. And it's actually a relationship where we actually care about each other instead of just having sex. Only now we don't have sex.

9:36 Drew Well, for some people, when they actually care about somebody that spoils the whole thing, they're only able to have sexual when they feel that the person is either not available or somehow sort of bad, because they identify the sexual part of themselves as being sort of negative or bad or dirty. And as soon as it's somebody that they actually care about, that they actually feel intimate for, whoops, now all that bad stuff has to be hidden. And that comes from various kinds of traumatic histories and whatnot. The reality is that you have to, you know, these two things are supposed to go together. And also, the fact that you had all this physical passion can be a sustaining source in your relationship if you're able to kind of put it all together. But one of you or both of you seem to have a real problem with that. You think it's him?

10:21 Caller Well, my question is, like, well, part of it is that, like, we kind of have an issue. Like, I'm not huge, like, I'm not hugely fat, but I'm not a small person either.

10:36 Drew So define that for me. You're not, actually, you're not, like, medically ill or you're so obese.

10:42 I'm kind of, like, chunky.

10:47 Drew Well, give me the numbers.

10:49 Caller I don't know. I'm maybe 5'5, maybe 165, 170.

10:56 Drew I'll ring that up to about 185 in the almost part. All right.

11:02 Caller I'm being honest.

11:04 Drew Yeah, that's all right, so you're not a healthy weight.

11:07 Caller I'm not tiny. I'm average.

11:09 All right, all right.

11:10 Drew And what's the...

11:12 Caller I don't have problems with that. I have very high self-esteem.

11:15 Drew That's good. That's all good. Why do you bring that up? Why bring that up? Why bring that up?

11:19 Caller Well, because I bring it up because he has problems with it. I don't, but he does.

11:26 Drew And yet he was into you before. You were the same weight then, weren't you? So what's the big deal?

11:31 Caller I don't know. I don't know. But I wonder, like, has that...

11:37 Drew No, I really don't. I think it's, as I said before, it's the actual being available for a real intimate relationship. You know, Jennifer Lopez got married this week, right? All of a sudden, pow! And I've been saying this for a long time, that Ben Affleck was actually available for her to have a real relationship. He's alcoholic and whatnot, but he was brutalized by that relationship because she couldn't hang in a real close relationship. His disease spun out a little bit because she became sabotaging of that real relationship. She couldn't tolerate. She has to be with guys that are not available and bad, and now she's found one to chase after. The antics will ensue. This is Jason 15. You cut him off? This is Christy 17.

12:28 Hi.

12:29 Caller I have a really bad problem with getting emotionally attached to people that I barely know. I just want to know if that's normal and what I could do.

12:37 Drew Well, it's common. It depends on how you qualify normal. It's not a good thing. It can end up you being close to people that you really don't want to be close to. Is it people that just acknowledge an attraction for you? How you're in? Or is it somebody you have to be physical with first, then you're in? What are the circumstances that get you attached?

13:00 Caller Just like any person. Like a person that I meet or talk to.

13:04 Drew But what do they have to do? What does that person have to do to you to get attached? Usually they have to respond in some way. So any interest at all. They don't have to say explicitly, I would like to date you. Just the fact that they return conversation is enough for you. Were you like profoundly neglected growing up?

13:24 No, not at all.

13:25 Drew Where did you get this sort of sense that you have bad, real low self-esteem?

13:32 Not really, like I didn't...

13:35 Caller Maybe it could be that I didn't have many friends when I was like going through middle school and like earlier high school. Why is that?

13:42 Drew Why?

13:43 Caller I am extremely, I was always like extremely shy.

13:48 Drew And why? Why didn't you develop any social skills? Why didn't you have sort of a secure base to work from?

13:54 Caller I don't know.

13:54 Drew Were things, are you not going so well at home growing up?

13:59 Caller Not really, like parents care, but they just never were like totally supportive of anything I did.

14:07 Drew Give me an example.

14:10 Caller I am into like the arts and stuff and that's not what they wanted for me. They want different things.

14:16 Drew So that's sort of a classic thing when you express certain feelings, whatever they are, about your genuine self, and they go, no, you're not having those feelings. We expect these feelings from you. You're going to have our feelings instead of your feelings. And people that have those, so parents tend to feel empty. You have a lot of feelings of emptiness? Yeah. I can hear Christy. Do you have a lot of feelings of emptiness? Yeah, and those feelings of emptiness can make people feel fairly desperate and alone. And, you know, somebody comes at you and it offers some sort of lifeline to an emotional connection and pow, you're in. So you have to be really careful, Christy. I'm not saying you have to be restrictive in terms of restricting your relationship with people, but you have to be, you have to watch yourself. You have to just kind of, I think a really good way to handle this is to get a lot of friends. Do you have an opportunity to do that? Yeah. Start building your friendships and get people around you who actually care about you or not into you sexually or as a boyfriend or girlfriend, because that can kind of go wrong. But develop friends, develop a secure base with them, and that will help you in terms of being able to contain some of these feelings of desperation. Heather, 14. What's up? Well, what's your question?

15:32 Adam My doctor just put me on birth control because I've been having my periods two times a month, and I was just wondering if that could prevent me from getting pregnant when I'm older.

15:41 Drew Well, only when you're taking the pill. It has no effect. In fact, it may have some health benefits. Aside from regulating your period and preventing you from losing iron, it decreases the risk of ovarian cancer and uterine cancer and certain kinds of sexually transmitted diseases. So it's all good. Are you okay otherwise?

16:03 Yeah.

16:05 Drew Everything good?

16:06 Yep.

16:07 Drew That's it then. Take your pills. This is Carl, 22.

16:12 Yeah. How are you doing, Dr. Drew?

16:13 Drew Good, Carl. What's up?

16:14 Good. I got a question. I was in Vegas last weekend and I was having a sexual experience with another girl and we were having oral sex for about two hours and unfortunately...

16:24 Drew You used a whole bunch of things flew past me there. To say I'm having sex with another girl suggests that either you're a girl or...

16:37 I'm a guy.

16:38 Drew Or that there was more than one and this was the one that... You said another girl.

16:42 Oh, no. There was only one girl.

16:46 Drew And how does one have oral sex for two hours without releasing?

16:50 Exactly. I know there's something referred to as a whiskey, whiskey so on and so forth. And I believe that a case of that and I was having trouble with a happy release about two hours into it.

17:02 Drew So you were so low. You were so intoxicated that your system wasn't operating normally.

17:06 Exactly. And unfortunately, I got what's referred to as a case of blue balls.

17:12 Drew I think you're more like... No, no, no. You're more likely to get like Epididymitis or Prostatitis from all that.

17:18 What's that?

17:18 Drew Do your testes still hurt?

17:20 Not anymore, but they hurt for the next, I'd say, half a day. They were extremely painful. It was like a kick in the balls, but a lot worse. And there was nothing I could really do. So we ended up actually going to a gentleman's club that evening. And that helped relieve a little bit of tension. But my question is, what causes that? And what can you do to get rid of that blue ball pain?

17:44 Drew I think that's a bogus call because that's not how that works. But be that as it may, a release, it's caused by blood and lymphatic congestion from excessive stimulation without the biological release. So the release will relieve the tension in the hot bath and something called pelvic support, like wearing a tight white underwear bed, you know, the ones that support your nuts. So the lymphatic can flow out, lying on your back for a little while, just things to help the lymphatic strain. And then, but if you're having something like that and the pain in the testes goes into the next day, that's probably an infection and inflammation, the epididymis, called epididymitis, which is a thing that sits on top of the test. He gets inflamed and infected pretty easily. So I would definitely look into that, to an STD basically. Kara, 18.

18:31 Adam Hi, Dr. Drew.

18:33 Drew What's up?

18:34 Not much, dude, just wanted to let you know, I finished crack today, and it was the best thing I've ever read.

18:40 Drew That is so kind of you to say that. I really, that was a labor of love for me.

18:44 It was so good, like I'm lending it to all my friends. They're all like excited now.

18:48 I totally cried.

18:50 Drew Oh, it was, you know, that kind of work is, no one's ever really given the perspective of the caretaker. And I thought, it's pretty intense to take care of these people. And the reality is Kara, I just sort of used myself as a metaphor, because it really took me more like 10 years rather than a single case to develop the opportunity to create good boundaries between myself and patients to where I'm more effective. But anyway, it's interesting stories, aren't they?

19:16 Yeah. Here's the problem. I met this guy in like August and we were like best friends and we started going out in November and he goes to college to about two hours away, two and a half. So we were going out until January when he kind of sort of brutally dumped me for pretty much no reason. And then he wanted to get back together and I was like, no, no, no, no, you made a decision. We're sticking with it.

19:45 Drew Let me interpret that. What that means is he had another girl at college who dumped him. That's the story.

19:51 That's pretty much my guess. So he came home, I don't know, sometime in like February, just for, I don't know what it was, something with his family. And we kind of hooked up, like not really hooked up, but like every time he comes home, I keep doing that. And I don't want to, and I don't know why I'm doing it. And it's driving me up the wall.

20:13 Drew Well, let me speculate. You're, you take good care of yourself. You've got good self-esteem.

20:21 Yeah.

20:21 Drew You know this guy is not, that you can do better than a partial relationship like this. But you guys have something, that chemistry thing.

20:32 Yeah.

20:32 Drew Right? And that something is not something to scoff at. It's also not something to indulge. But it's something to kind of keep in mind that maybe this is a relationship you want to get back to sometime. I wouldn't, I would either, I would either S or get off the pod as it were. I would, you know what I mean? I'd either just do what you do to support yourself by not hooking up with him, but realize this may be a bit, there may be more here than you are willing to admit right now. It's not maybe not even the right time in your life for you to be with this guy, but there's something substantial here. And you guys are behaving like 18 to 20 year olds are supposed to behave. You're not supposed to be stuck in one relationship and joined at the hip and stuff. You're supposed to go figure things out a little bit. But I kind of get the feeling that there's something here. So keep it, just keep thinking about the possibility, but try to maintain your boundaries in the meantime. Does that make sense? It makes sense, doesn't it?

21:27 Yeah.

21:28 Drew It kind of fits. All right, and tell him to treat you at least whether or not he gets involved with you or not just to treat you more the way you deserve, all right?

21:38 Yeah, okay.

21:39 Drew All right, bye-bye. All right, it is Loveline. The number here is 1-800-LOVE-191. As you see, when I'm unencumbered by our comedic sidekick friend, we can get through a lot of calls. And yeah, I know, and they're good. We get to learn some things and talk to some people and actually hear what our listeners are thinking about. And I promise I won't be abusive, which is something I can't promise. I was, however, looking to hear from Chief Runningwater. Is that his name is? The, the, the, yeah.

22:07 Chachachama, neneche, nenehecheke, ya ya nenecheke, ya, neneyewa, chachachama.

22:16 Drew I'm getting pretty good at translating, Algonk Cherokee, whatever he's into. And I don't know if he's going to be here. He was in the air until a few moments ago, and hopefully he will be here before the show is over. He's been in Italy, as I mentioned. And he- You're right, you're right, exactly. Let's go back, do more calls after this.

22:41 Caller Every hour, two Americans under the age of 25 are infected with HIV. Protect yourself. Call toll free, 1-866-344-KNOW.

23:05 Drew Adam Carolla should be touching down at LAX right about now. And that means he'll be listening in on his drive over and launch into an abusive tirade about the time he walks through the door. So I'll be prepared for that. But in the meantime, let's take some calls. We'll take as many as we can before the show grinds to a halt when Adam arrives. This is Vanessa, 17. I'm good, what's happening?

23:26 I still don't know how effective the birth control patch is.

23:31 Drew The patch is essentially as effective as the pill. It's very, very effective.

23:36 So if I like, let's say I don't use, the guy doesn't use a condom, when I won't get pregnant, even though I'm using the patch?

23:46 Drew If he's not using a condom, if you're using the patch, you don't need a condom. You're essentially approaching a 0% probability of pregnancy.

23:54 And is there any side effects?

23:56 Drew Well, it's the same as with the birth control pill. The side effect profile of the pill is sort of, depends on the person. Some people feel like they gain weight and get fluid retention. Others feel irritable. You can have breast growth. Some people lean out. It depends on the relative amount of estrogen versus progesterone that's in the pill and then how your body reacts to those two chemicals. Most, every woman nearly is different than others. So it's something we gotta kind of mess around with a little bit and find the one that's best for you with the least possible side effect, okay? Okay, thank you. All right, take care now. This is Jamie, 15. Hey. Good times.

24:37 And I hadn't like bled a lot. And now I'm bleeding like through a pad, like in about like an hour and a half. And I'm really beginning to get worried about it. And it's like cramping down there.

24:52 Drew Yeah, a pad an hour is a little bit excessive. There can be bleeding for up to two weeks after an abortion. And it's considered normal, but the fact that you didn't have any, it's increasing, you're having pain. Sometimes there can be stuff left behind. Did you have a vacuum abortion or did you have the pill?

25:07 Yeah, a vacuum.

25:08 Drew Vacuum. And did they do an ultrasound afterwards? Yeah, sometimes they're not indicated, but sometimes they'll check to make sure everything's gone and they can leave some stuff behind it and get infected. It's a pretty rare complication, but if this bleeding goes on until tomorrow, it sounds like you ought to get back in or go to an emergency room.

25:26 Yeah, I have like a checkup in like two weeks because I did it at like Planned Parenthood because I did it without my mom and stuff.

25:33 Drew Yeah, I think that's too long. You got to really check it out tomorrow if you're still bleeding this heavily.

25:38 But what could I do like right now to like help it out? Because it's like, it's uncomfortable. Like, is there anything I can do with like stuff at home to like cool it down a little bit, I guess?

25:50 Drew You know, the things like Tylenol for the pain, as much as anything, if you take anti-inflammatories while it'll be better for the cramps, anti-inflammatories could potentially make the bleeding worse. So I check your temperature, make sure you're not getting a temperature, make sure you're not getting lightheaded, that you're able to take adequate fluids. And if the bleeding really stays brisk like this, where it's a pad an hour, then it's time to head on in, okay? All right, good luck. You know, I'm reading all the time about abortions and this absolute lack of there being a post-abortion syndrome. Every single time I take a woman's history, an adult woman, and she tells me she's been pregnant, and I say, you know, I haven't tried to pregnant, first of all, I get the look away four times and looking at the floor. And then I say, well, how many children do you have? One. Well, what happened to the other three? I've never interviewed a woman who went, I got a therapeutic abortion on those three, no problem. It's always shame and guilt and all these crazy feelings about it. And I don't think those are superimposed sociologically from society. I think there is some sort of biological response that women have when the baby is removed. There's some sense of loss, some sense of something really happening that's far, far beyond anything that our sort of upbringing can put into us. And the fact that this is being ignored as something that really impacts women, not to say that abortion should be, the accessibility should be changed because of that, but women should be prepared for this, that they carry this forward, and maybe not with a bonafide depressive syndrome, but with a feeling about themselves as a woman for decades and maybe their whole life. It's never happened to me that a woman says therapeutic abortion three times and then doesn't, no further comment. Never happened. Maggie, 19. I'm good, what's up?

27:43 Okay, well, I've been doing heroin for about three months and my mom and dad kicked me out of the house and they also took me off of their insurance plan. And so I have Medi-Cal and so I don't really know what to do about places. I mean, like a lot of places just like they don't take Medi-Cal.

28:12 Drew Why did they take you off the insurance? Did you blow through some hospitals?

28:15 No, like, I don't know, my mom just wanted me to become more independent. They took me off of their insurance before the heroin even started. And what?

28:28 Drew Why?

28:30 I don't know, my mom wanted me to become more independent and learn about life more. I don't know, my parents are, I mean, I guess maybe it was becoming too expensive for them or I don't know.

28:41 Drew It's funny, the classic thing that parents do is that they, I'm not saying this is necessarily your parents, but things that parents often do is they foster dependency. They do things to keep you dependent. And at the point at which you're really ready to do some work and get better, that's when they pull the plug and make it impossible for you to do the work by taking away your resources or so badly pulling the rug off from under you, you can't get going. So it sounds like you are still wanting to get well though, right?

29:10 Yeah.

29:12 Drew You should check out county-funded beds. I'll recommend, I know you're here live here in Southern California, I see from the screen. I would check out Cry Help and Impact. And also a place of Pasadena called Casa de Las Amigas. And another one I'm thinking of, Pasadena Recovery Center. These are all places that have various kinds of county funding and things that you have to wait a while for, but they can definitely eventually get you in. Okay, Geneva 20.

29:41 Yeah, okay.

29:44 Caller My boyfriend broke up with me about a week ago and I guess he's seeing some other girl and we've done this few times to where he's pretty much held us together and we've gotten back together and this time he was going, he was leaving to go see this girl and I gave him a hug and I told him, you know, you held us together last time, so it's my turn this time and I didn't let go and he ended up like beating me up while I was holding on to him and I wanted to know if it was my fault, like, cause I antagonized it.

30:19 Drew Well, no, whatever, this is an episode of domestic violence and it needs to be reported, okay?

30:26 Yeah, no, I reported it.

30:28 Caller We're going to court, like we have a baby and stuff.

30:30 Drew Yeah, this is that, this needs to be handled with the system and with social services.

30:34 Caller Cause, I mean, he told me to let go, but I didn't and...

30:38 Drew Were you hurting him in some way?

30:40 No, I was just holding on to him.

30:42 Caller Like I lost my arm so that he couldn't get me off of him.

30:45 Drew For how long did you hold him?

30:47 Oh, it was probably about three minutes, three.

30:49 Drew So it wasn't like it was three hours and you were kidnapping him or something?

30:53 No, no.

30:54 Drew Yeah, it sounds like a pretty awful situation, but Geneva, I bet sometimes you kind of distort how you report things generally, yeah?

31:02 Yeah.

31:03 Drew Is that true?

31:06 I don't know, what do you mean?

31:08 Drew That you have trouble sort of, it seems like when you say, when you report how things happen, magically it seems that other people perceive the events differently. Yeah, so it'd be interesting to hear sort of his version of this story and maybe he felt threatened in some way. And it still doesn't justify him beating you up. That's wild. But here we go, this is Anna 15.

31:35 Hi. I am obsessed with death and violence and I'm really worried that it's maybe reaching a dangerous point. Well, I, like that's all I really think about and I'm obsessed with serial killers and I've actually started correspondence with one, if you can believe that. He was this guy who like ate corpses and broken, and I think it's like the coolest thing ever. And I'm really scared. Like I'm obsessed with cannibalism. I think like Nazis are the coolest thing. Like, although I'm not racist and I'm just, I'm really worried. Like, I don't know if I should get into a hospital or I'm really, you know, I don't know what to do.

32:16 Drew Are you a trauma survivor yourself?

32:20 My mom beat, like beat me before she defund me and I stopped contact with her.

32:25 Drew Yeah, it sounds like you want to get some help with this. This is, this is symptom of something. Something is definitely going on with you. And are you, do you think you have manic depression, bipolarity, something like that?

32:36 I don't think so. I am taking Lexapro right now for depression, but I'm pretty, actually pretty much a stable person other than that, if you can believe it, I don't.

32:45 Drew I'm not going down this path with you because everyone who's obsessed with serial killers has got major psychiatric problems. I've talked to a lot of people that get kind of, particularly women get involved with this. They get preoccupied with it. And I don't fully understand what it is, why women do this. And I'm not talking about the ones that idolize the guys that are in jail and trying to marry them. I'm talking about people that just read all the novels or those stories about serial killers and stuff. There's a lot of women out there that do that. No, for you, I understand. That's why I'm going down the path of there being something really going on here. You're obsessed to the point where things that are truly horrendous sound super appealing to you.

33:24 Yeah, extremely. I'm afraid that, I mean, I'm really afraid I might do it when I get older. And I don't know if I should, like if it's to the point where, I was talking to my friend just recently, like she's my best friend. And I said, aren't Nazis great? And she said, no. And I'm like, what?

33:39 Drew Aren't what great?

33:40 Nazis. And I'm like, she's like, I mean, come on, kill all those people. And I'm like, that's not cool. And she's like, no, killing's not cool. And that was the first time I realized that other people didn't think this way. I honestly thought everyone else was like thought killing was cool. And I don't know if like, I honestly have no gauge of what if it's normal or not. And I don't know if I should go to a hospital or if it's so bad or I don't know if it's okay or not.

34:03 Drew Like I don't know if it's bad. Let me give you just some guidelines. It's not normal, it's not okay. It is a symptom of something serious psychologically going on with you. If you actually feel like you were inclined to doing something to yourself or somebody else, go to a hospital immediately. I'm like only 15 though. Well, thank God. Thank God you're getting to this beforehand before you actually do end up like the woman in Monster. Yeah, but it can be treated. This is all about aggression and ability to regulate things. It can be treated, right?

34:37 Cause like I've done all this research and like there's been no real true, they say, women serial killers are all black widows or angels with death. And I mean, I don't think that, I mean, I don't really fit the paradigm of the serial killer.

34:50 Drew I'm less concerned with you actually being a serial killer than I am with you having distressing symptoms that need to be treated. So please aware yourself of that. And if you need to be threatened with the possibility that you're gonna become something awful, fine, be threatened with that and take care of yourself more appropriately. This is Jessica 20.

35:09 Caller How are you?

35:10 Drew Good, what's up?

35:12 Caller Basically, my boyfriend and I were having sex and which is something, it's not uncommon, we have sex a lot. And basically, he went, like his penis like jabbed my insides or something and it made like all my muscles tense up and I had to stop and I was just like doubled over in pain. And then like ever since then, I've just been having like random cramping, just like, just kind of comes out of nowhere and it's not really, really bad, but it's there.

35:44 Drew How long ago did this happen?

35:46 Caller How long ago?

35:47 Yeah.

35:49 Maybe like five days ago.

35:51 Drew Does the pain go down your leg?

35:53 No.

35:54 Drew No. Okay. It's possible that maybe he hit something that was already there, like a tube infection or even a tubal pregnancy or an ovarian cyst. It's possible that he merely just bruised your insides quite literally, just kind of tore things a little bit. And there's very ligaments in the area there that can be kind of strained quite literally from this sort of activity. And yes, it hurts. It's a visceral pain. It can make you nauseated and vomit sometimes. But why don't you get this checked out? Just so you can see what, make sure it's not something like a rupture of ovarian cyst or a topical pregnancy or tubal infection, that kind of thing. Because again, it may be less, it was sort of a coincidence that he got his penis to a location that already had something else going on. And that's why the symptoms perpetuated, it kept going. Well, it's Loveline. I thank you all for listening to me tonight. This is Dr. Drew. Adam Carolla is somewhere between 16,000 feet and the Santa Monica Freeway. He's coming in from Italy tonight. He went over there for his 40th birthday with his lovely wife and with Jimmy Kimmel and that whole clan.

36:59 Oh, boy.

37:01 Drew And it's been a great week without him. We've had a fantastic time, talked to lots of people, answered lots of calls and have one more night of freedom. And I imagine he will be here before the night is over. So those of you that like to listen to him, he will, I suspect, be here and launch into, as I said, into some sort of abusive tirade. And we'll hear all about his trip. And I imagine by the time he arrives, we'll get as many calls as we can in. Cause when he arrives, it's just gonna be Adam talking. There'll be probably no more calls at that point. So we'll be right back after this.

37:33 1-800-LOVE-191.

37:34 Hey buddy, it's Adam.

37:35 Drew And I'm Dr. Drew.

37:36 Here to talk about Axe, Deodorant Body Spray.

37:39 Drew Yes, sir.

37:40 You spray that on, you give stink the axe.

37:55 Drew Adam is somewhere, maybe en route, we hope so.

37:59 Going through customs.

38:00 Drew Is he really?

38:01 Yes.

38:02 Drew He called you?

38:02 Yeah, he called Dr. Brian.

38:04 Drew How long ago?

38:05 Just now.

38:07 Drew Oh, there's no way he's gonna make this show. Of course. Which is wonderful, this is great. Call Stryker. Tell him, what? How dare you? Why do we need Stryker? Aren't we doing fine?

38:15 How dare you?

38:16 No, we're doing good, I'm learning all sorts of medical.

38:18 Drew Unacceptable, yeah, I know. I was thinking over the weekend, when we've done this week without Corolla, and I was thinking to myself, oh my God, this is why I got involved in radio in the first place, is to be able to talk about this stuff with people and sort of use the radio to communicate about it. Yeah.

38:35 If it was like this, I would have earned a degree in medical science by now, I think.

38:40 Drew You mean it would have motivated you to do that?

38:41 For the last five years, if I've been listening to this, I think I would have deserved one at this point.

38:45 Drew I know, it's true. So how are you, Anderson?

38:47 I'm good.

38:49 Drew Are you gonna tell everybody about your experience? All right, this is Loveline, LOVE-191-1800, LOVE-191, I'm Dr. Drew, Adam Carolla is in Customs, coming back from Italy. I predict if we see him, it will be in about an hour. It'll just be to kind of say hello and to make amends for having missed the show. But personally, Adam, relax, stay right here, it's fine. In fact, maybe tomorrow night, you wanna take off, it'll be awesome. Betty, 22, what's up?

39:16 Hello?

39:17 Hey, Betty. She said hi.

39:23 Drew There we go. All right, what's up?

39:27 My problem?

39:28 Drew Yeah.

39:30 I'm 22. And let's see, started out like, the first time I had sex, I was 18. And then I had sex with like seven different guys and I was just having sex all the time and stuff and I wasn't really enjoying it, but I did it anyway. And then I started enjoying it and then-

39:48 Drew Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Why did you do it if you didn't enjoy it?

39:52 Well, it was just like, the guy wanted to, so I just do it. I figured I'd eventually enjoy it because sometimes I listen to Loveline and they're like, well, if you're, well, until you're like, when you're like 17, 18, you don't really enjoy it anyway.

40:09 Drew So we say this was, first of all, you shouldn't be doing it if you don't enjoy it. And secondly, the only way you're going to enjoy it is in the context of a relationship.

40:19 Yeah, I was usually in a relationship kind of, but the guys weren't all that great. But then I got with my boyfriend and we had a connection and we got sex all the time. And then, let's see, now we've been together three years and the poor guy, he gets sex maybe like once a month, if he's lucky. And he's very, very caring and understanding. And he's like, if you don't want to, then we won't have sex. And I try and do stuff for him, but like I'm just never horny. And I was wondering if there's that stuff out like Avila Mare or something like that.

40:54 Drew No, no, no, no, no. Listen, all the research on even Viagra for women was abandoned because there is no connection women between arousal and desire.

41:05 Really?

41:06 Drew So women can have arousal, like men, when they have arousal, desire is immediately connected to that. And in fact, not only just desire, but the train is leaving the station, it must be satisfied. It must have an opportunity to, you know, that's how men work. Women can have arousal and no desire. And so the people that were doing studies on Viagra actually abandoned the research because it just was useless. Women, there's not anything yet that helps women have arousal because it is, rather, desire because it is such an emotionally connected experience for women. And having said that, that suggests to me that maybe there isn't that much of an emotional connection for you in this relationship. And you started when you were 19, you're 22, maybe this thing isn't, you know. I actually have two reactions. One is this thing may be over. And then the other reaction is you sort of described this guy as so nice, it's almost annoying. In particular, somebody like you that has a history of sort of needing bad, unavailable guys, a super available, nice guy is gonna be a little tough for you to take.

42:04 Caller Yeah, it's really different because my other relationships weren't all that great.

42:11 Drew I know, but that's what you wanted. That's what's more comfortable for you. That's what your dad did or whatever. That's what you're- Yeah, and so listen, yeah, of course. And so to have a real relationship, you shut down all big parts of yourself, get shut off to that because you consider those sort of bad parts of yourself or he might see things that are shaming in you or you might evoke shame in the relationship. And that's not okay. That's not a relationship now. That's just sort of a holding pattern. And eventually you're gonna get dissatisfied with that. The fact that he doesn't sort of make more of this is actually a problem because it is an issue and does mean something. And I think unfortunately he knows that the writings on the wall, that it means that this thing is probably not gonna last. Not to say that it shouldn't, but in 22 it may not be time for this one to try to work it out.

42:57 Caller But it's also that I'm also on like a Fexor.

43:00 Drew Yeah, that'll shut you down.

43:02 Caller And well, Gatron.

43:03 Drew Oh, well, I just say so.

43:06 Caller Yeah, and all these other things. And like-

43:09 Drew Oh, what are the things?

43:10 Caller Well, I was on Respirator, but then I stopped that because it was making me sleep till like a long, long time. And I still have those problems. And I asked my doctor and apparently a Fexor does do the whole no-horniness thing, but-

43:26 Drew Absolutely, profoundly so sometimes.

43:29 Caller She was like, well, it's all up to you. You have to want to do it and stuff like that. And I want to, I mean-

43:35 Drew No, no. Listen, Fexor and many of the serotonin reuptake inhibitors, Zoloft, Prozac, Paxil, will shut you down to the point where sex looks kind of irritating. Like, ugh, why do people do that? Like, ugh. And especially women get shut down completely with these medicines. So, you might want to talk to the doctor about either just the Wellbutrin or Serizone, which unfortunately is about to be taken off the market, which I'm just really pissed about, angry about, sorry Anderson, and Remeron. Those are...

44:05 Caller I've had Remeron that made me really nauseous and sick. And the Wellbutrin gives me night sweats.

44:10 Drew All right, well, so again, this is something you've got to kind of work with. They find a medication that works for you.

44:17 Caller Okay, and also like for the fleeting moments that I do, all of a sudden randomly get horny and stuff. We tried to get like a toy because my friend was like, oh, well, you have to figure out what feels good for you. And then you'll actually want it instead of like, because I don't think I've ever really had an orgasm. And so he was like, well, once you have one, then you'll want to have sex.

44:39 Drew He said that? He said that?

44:40 Caller My friend said that. He? Yeah.

44:43 Drew Your friend, he? Yeah, but he doesn't know what the hell. Come on, you have a 20 year old guy telling you how a woman responds biologically. No way. Here's the deal. It is extremely difficult to have an orgasm on these medications. The first thing I said about the psychological circumstances, whether or not this thing is over or not, or whether or not you're able to tolerate a close relationship or not, none of that is relevant if you can't respond biologically. You've got all the cards stacked to get the relationship and there are psychological issues that may come to bear here. But for God's sakes, it's just ridiculous to try to work things out when there's no possibility of biological responsiveness. You've got to talk to your doctor about switching medication. You have to use something that allows you to be biologically responsive sexually. The weight against the risks of your psychiatric problem, of course. So I'm not presuming to tell you exactly what to take, but talk to your doctor. It's not acceptable to have your relationships destroyed by these medications. That is not considered a remission from depression. That's considered a continuing problem with depression, because after all, in depression, one of the things that lacks, that suffers is intimacy. And the depression may pull apart the intimacy, and then the treatment of the depression can do the same thing. So you have to really pay attention to that and ask your doctor to give you something that is appropriate. 1-800-LOVE-191, I'm Dr. Drew. I'm having fun. I hope you guys are interested in what we're talking about tonight. I'm getting through a bunch of calls. Adam will be back tomorrow. I really don't think he's gonna be in tonight, or if so, it'll just be a few minutes at the end.

46:15 Caller Alright guys, here's the deal. You're looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

46:20 One call is all you need to make.

46:21 Caller Call the Dateline. 877-889-DATE. This hour brought to you in part by Axe.

46:38 Experience the Axe Effect.

46:55 Drew May be stopping by tonight. I hear he's stuck in customs, having just gotten off a plane in Alitalia or some god knows what. And we, in the meantime, those of you who are listening and calling, we will just get some work done here. So let's get right to it. This is Robert 24. What's up?

47:11 Hey, Drew, you're doing a good job tonight, buddy.

47:13 Drew Thank you.

47:15 Really appreciate everything you've done. You've been in my life for about 10 years now. I really appreciate it.

47:19 Drew You're gay.

47:21 Thanks, Anderson.

47:22 Drew Yeah, Anderson, we've been carrying on this illicit love affair, Robert and I, from New York.

47:27 Anyway, basically, I'm just probably someone you deal with a lot. You're typical, just 24. You're all the alcoholic, blah, blah, blah. I basically just drink throughout the day. But for me, it just doesn't seem to catch up with me. My career is going great. Life is going great.

47:45 Drew You haven't had consequences yet.

47:47 Yeah, I don't understand that because I know people who do what I do for six months and their life is over. For me, my life just continues. And I mean, I literally couldn't go under treatment right now because it would ruin my career. I mean, everything is going so well for me. And I just, I don't understand what I have that others don't have. And my basic question is that, what am I doing to my actual health? I understand I need treatment to get over this one.

48:12 Not with my actual health.

48:14 Caller Like what am I doing?

48:15 Drew You are what Adam would call a heavyweight.

48:17 Oh yeah, I mean.

48:18 Drew You can tolerate all this. And I wish I could say that by you doing this at such a heavy clip for a long period of time, you're necessarily going to be more at risk for medical problems. That's not necessarily the true. For instance, women are to say a five times greater risk of getting cirrhosis than men. So a woman drinking modestly at a relatively short period of time is much more likely to get cirrhosis than a man. For you, liver disease is obviously one of the consequences. The other thing we worry about is the neurobiological consequences of alcohol is one of the unusual drugs of abuse and that it is a direct toxin to essentially every tissue in the body, but particularly brain can put you at risk for cancers of the mouth, throat, colon, prostate. So it has health consequences. Do you smoke also, cigarettes? Yeah, so smokers who drink heavily are particularly at risk for the mouth and throat and esophageal cancers. And there you go, you know, it will get you. It's not as though you're going to be able to skate on without any consequence. It will, there will be some price to be paid for this. How big a price? I can't say. Will it shorten your life? I can't say. Will it eventually be something that has consequences that you cannot contain guaranteed when? I don't know if it's going to be tomorrow or 10 years from now, but you seem to understand that. So at least you're alert to doing something about it when you're motivated to do so.

49:39 I'm just wondering if I can pull it off.

49:41 Drew Well, you can pull it off for a while. It's a disease. It will pull you off eventually. It will pull you right off the road. And you'll see, you'll see.

49:49 Drew, thank you very much. You've been truly great in my life.

49:52 Drew All right, well, good luck. Just when the time comes, please. It's very simple, very simple to get over alcoholism. Just go to a meeting, take a sponsor, follow directions. Got a note up here from Anderson that we should try CyberAdam. What do you think, Anderson, a little CyberAdam? Or is that from Bryant?

50:11 That's from Dickhead over here, yeah.

50:12 Drew See, I don't think we should.

50:13 Well, I just, it would make me work, but I'm down.

50:15 Drew All right, here's this is a good call for a CyberAdam right here. Jocelyn, 18.

50:21 Caller Me and my boyfriend, whenever we have anal sex, I tend to queef a lot.

50:32 He's a big boy.

50:36 Drew No, he queefing from the vagina. There could not be a worse time for this phone to blank out than right there.

50:47 No, that's her. She's blanking.

50:49 Hello?

50:50 Drew The air comes from the vagina.

50:53 Good times.

50:55 Drew So you're having anal sex and air comes out the vagina. So probably that's from you constricting the muscles of the abdominal wall and pushing air out, right?

51:06 Hey, it takes all kinds.

51:07 Drew Does indeed. Jocelyn. Are you hearing me? Do we have a connection problem here?

51:19 What are you gonna do?

51:20 Drew What are you gonna do? Fact is, what am I gonna do? Fine, you make noises when, you know, you can maybe, maybe you're having intercourse, vaginal intercourse before the anal and that's how the air gets in there. Or maybe you need to relax the muscles of the abdominal wall so you don't push air out.

51:36 Caller You bitch!

51:38 Drew Indeed, Mike 20.

51:40 Caller Hey, Dr. Drew.

51:41 Drew Hey, Mike, what's going on?

51:42 Caller What's going on, man? Um, lately I've been having some flashbacks. Said, I haven't done that in about five years. Usually when I get nervous, I just buckle down and I feel like I have urinate really bad.

51:58 Drew Wait, you've said like three different things I can't understand. How many times? You haven't done acid in five years.

52:08 Caller Yeah, it's been a while since I saw it from here in high school.

52:11 Drew And how many times do you do acid?

52:13 Caller Four times.

52:14 Drew And what are the flashbacks you're having?

52:16 Caller Like I have to urinate. Like I felt like my first day I had a bad trip where I had like, I thought I had a pust-pipe.

52:24 Drew Somehow for you, a flashback is the urge to urinate?

52:30 Caller Yeah, like I would like get so nervous, like my feet will get wet, you know, typical, I don't know if I'm just nervous, like when people are around, like when we at work. Yeah, that's kind of nervous right now, first time.

52:43 Drew LSD flashbacks are essentially by definition, visual hallucinations. So you're not having flashbacks, you're having some sort of panic attack.

52:55 Caller Okay, is that what it is then? It happened, actually happened on Friday. And it happened a couple of times last month too.

53:04 Drew Where you feel real panicky, right?

53:06 Caller Yeah, I get really scared. I just can't sit down. I have to walk around.

53:10 Drew Yeah, it's a panic attack. That's something that's pretty easily treatable. You can see a doctor, they can treat that. Don't let them put you on any benzodiazepine medications. They can lead to addiction, but there's, whether or not you're depressed, causing the panic, whether this is some kind of sequelae, a pod or hallucinogens, there can be panic caused by those drugs. There are medications that can help with that. And then therapy can be useful too, if you're interested in that. Monique.

53:32 Hi.

53:33 Drew Is it Monique or Monique?

53:35 Monique.

53:36 Drew Monique, 16, what's that?

53:37 Caller Monique, whatever.

53:38 Drew Monique, Monique, got it.

53:41 Caller I was molested in my early years. I'm only attracted to older men.

53:48 Drew Right, was it an older guy that molested you?

53:51 Caller He had to have been maybe 18, 19.

53:56 Drew Right, and you were how old?

53:58 Caller I was about six years old.

54:00 Drew Fantastic.

54:01 Caller And I wanna know, how does me being molested tie into the fact that I only like older men? I mean, I can't get attracted to guys my age, even a little bit older, I just can't.

54:12 Drew How old are the guys you're attracted to?

54:14 Caller Why actually? I mean, I've always been attracted to them, but I've never acted upon it. And I just recently broke up with my boyfriend. Well, he was actually 27 years old. He was the first older man, let's say, I've ever dated.

54:29 Drew So he's a criminal?

54:31 Caller Well, he didn't know. That's the thing is that I look very mature and I act very mature.

54:39 Drew What did he do when he found out you were 16?

54:43 Caller We haven't spoken since.

54:44 Drew Since he found out you were 16?

54:46 Caller Yeah.

54:46 Drew Oh, well, I'm gonna take it back. Maybe he's not as bad as I think he is. All right, well, the interesting thing will be to see if you are still attracted to guys in their late teens and 20s when you're, say, 40, whether or not the preoccupation is with the age of the kind of person that molested you, or is it just the distance from, the age distance from where you were at six that you find attractive? For the most part, it tends to be that, that there's people that you feel are much older than you, and that's the way that whole molestation is experienced. Why that gets wired into your brain that way, I'm not sure anybody can tell you with great accuracy. It is something about shattering the patient, your ability to regulate experiences, to understand and come to terms with experiences that leaves an implicit, what's called an implicit memory, some sort of imprint on the brain mechanisms. Some people call these things love maps. Some people call, there's many ways these are conceptualized, but this has not been completely worked out neurobiologically. The fact though is simply that those experience that shatter your ability to sort of understand and cope with an experience, leave a remnant behind that becomes a source of attraction. When these shattering experiences are interpersonal, particularly when they're at the hands of people, you sort of rely upon and need for nurturance and love like parents, caretakers, that sort of thing. It shatters you, leaves an imprint and becomes a source of attraction. Once you hit puberty and young adulthood, you start going after those guys that were the perpetrators of the original abuse. Some people used to think about it as something that was an attempt at mastery, like you were gonna go, this experience was overwhelming and therefore you had to get back to it to sort of make it right. But of course, when you choose the kind of person that perpetrates that, you don't make it right, you just end up reenacting it all over again. That's not quite it, that's not quite it. There is really clearly some more biological piece of this that we're slowly coming onto and it's not been fully worked out yet. Justine, 18. Justine.

56:40 Caller Yeah.

56:40 Yeah.

56:41 Drew I'm sneezing, what's up?

56:44 Caller Well, I have a problem with my breasts. My nipples, they tend to like go in instead of out and I don't know why. And I don't know, I just, I was wondering if like, if it was like kind of a big problem or not.

57:03 Drew Not a big problem. There are, my understanding is, procedures that can help tease it all out, but, you know, why? Is it, are you getting irritated? Are there problems with it? No, it's fine. Listen, believe me, you will, there was some guy who will be, will prefer that. Really, guys have, everyone, every guy has his zone. There's some guy that's gonna be particularly into that. You'll be fine, don't worry. Don't, if you want to consult with a plastic surgeon just to see what can be done, that's fine, but I wouldn't rush right now. It's not a medical indication for it, that I'm worried if there's no irritation.

57:39 Caller David, 18. I've had like seven penis piercings right now, and I've had two diodes, and I don't know if you know what that is. What is that? Well, on the head, like it goes in the bottom of the head, and then it comes out kind of like about like a quarter of an inch up, and I've had, and I took it out, and the scar, it was about six months ago, and the scar tissue pretty much went away, like it's almost gone, but it keeps on randomly reopening, and it'll bleed like a very, it'll bleed a little bit, and it kind of looks like when a scab falls off, the weird skin that's on top of, that's left over, that'll randomly come up.

58:32 Drew So what's your question?

58:34 Caller Well, I wanted to know if that's like a very big deal, because I've had...

58:39 Drew What's a big deal? It's your penis, and it's got a non-healing wound on it with something called proud flesh. That's what that sort of pink, fluffy stuff is. That is...

58:49 Caller It's not really pink. It's kind of like whitish and like dry. It's really dry on one spot. I think what it is is that it just cracks, and the cracking...

59:05 Drew You've got a non-healing wound. That is a serious thing. It's on a part of your body that you can't... What we call debris. You can't go in and cut it all apart and cut it out. Or in fact, that may end up happening to you. That may be what needs to happen. So you need to see a urologist immediately.

59:22 Caller It goes away for long periods of time and then it comes back.

59:27 Drew David, cut it out. You've got a wound that doesn't heal in a part of your body where you can't afford to waste any time or space with that sort of thing. If you want to go to a wound center, do. But I suggest you see a urologist immediately. These could be potentially very, very serious surgical problem. This is a piercing, for God's sake. It's not like it's nothing. Just think about any other part of your body. I'm going to put a rod through my arm. I'm going to put the rod... Actually, this pen. This pen, I'm going to put it through the bicep muscle. Have it out the other side, because I think that looks cool. Now, should some bacteria get in there and erode the muscle... We're biological beings. We're not pin cushions. Come on. Steve, 24, what's up?

1:00:14 Caller I had a question about prostate cancer.

1:00:16 Drew Prostate cancer, right?

1:00:19 Caller I had it when I was two years old.

1:00:21 Drew Prostate cancer? Uh-huh. Wow. I've never even heard of that in a child.

1:00:27 Caller It was actually the tissue around the prostate is called rhabdomyo-sarcoma.

1:00:31 Drew That's not prostate cancer. That's a muscle cancer. It's a smooth muscle cancer. Rhabdo means muscle. I beg your pardon, myo means muscle. Sarcoma is a soft tissue tumor. Prostate cancer is called an adenocarcinoma. It's a totally, totally different thing.

1:00:51 Caller Right now I guess I have a bunch of scar tissue from the chemotherapy I had.

1:00:54 Drew Did you have radiation or chemotherapy?

1:00:57 Caller Both.

1:00:58 Drew Well, the scarring is from the radiation.

1:01:02 Caller I've seen a bunch of urologists and they don't seem to be able to really help anything. They just give me a bunch of pills like painkillers and stuff. And they had me on an Oxycontin for about four years. And I wanted to know if there was like some kind of surgery I could have or something to just kind of get rid of it because I'm kind of getting sick of having to take all kinds of pills.

1:01:27 Drew Don't you think they would have told you if there was something?

1:01:30 Caller They go back and they tried a couple of things, but it really didn't help.

1:01:35 Drew Do you think they're withholding something from you? That they have some plan?

1:01:40 Caller I go through HMOs and they've often told me that they're only allowed to spend a certain amount of time per patient.

1:01:47 Drew Right.

1:01:48 Caller And it just doesn't seem like they, when I was little, it seemed like they wanted to help and take care of it. And now it's just kind of like, here, take a painkiller.

1:01:57 Drew Well, it's probably because there isn't anything they can do. You can always demand consultation with higher and higher levels of consultants. Go to a teaching hospital, that sort of thing. Head up to see your open friends. They'll go up to Stanford and get a consultation with Department of Neurology up there. But it's not as though people think that somehow there's magical procedures. That if, you know, my doctor doesn't, pretty much all doctors know all things that are available. Now, there may be controversial, there may be just sort of judgment calls in certain areas, and you may want to consult with other people on the proper course. But it's not as though somebody is going to have some magic treatment that other doctors don't know about. It's just not the way it works these days. And, you know, you had a really deadly cancer. Rhabdomyosarcoma is a really, really serious cancer. Thank God you were cured. That's amazing. Tess, 18. Hey, what's up?

1:02:49 Caller I recently had an ovarian blood cyst that was like really near the surface of my vagina, and they cut me open and removed it.

1:03:02 Drew They cut you open, your abdominal cut?

1:03:04 Caller No, they cut open, they actually cut in the vagina.

1:03:07 Drew They cut or they put a needle through the vagina and drain the cyst?

1:03:10 Caller They cut open, they put me completely under, and I had to have stitches, but I haven't been able to feel like anything down there, like my sex has totally lost everything, like I have no drive anymore.

1:03:22 Drew Are you on new medication?

1:03:24 Caller No, I'm on the same medications I've always been on, which are Zoloft and Neuron.

1:03:29 Drew We heard me talking earlier, Zoloft will completely shut you down, so it could be somehow, I don't know, maybe the circulating levels without a change with the anesthesia or something. There's nothing about a vaginal procedure that should cut you, make it impossible for you to feel anything, unless you had a history of sexual abuse and somehow this was kind of a post-traumatic stress reaction to that.

1:03:49 Caller Well, I was raped by my best friend's brother when I was 11.

1:03:57 Drew Okay, well, that's sexual abuse. And sometimes people, was it a painful rape?

1:04:04 Caller It was so painful that I actually was able to kick him off me and get out of the room because it hurt so bad and I just, my whole body seemed to react to it.

1:04:13 Drew Yeah, well, that's good. That's actually good. The fact that you were able to fight for, you know, come to your own defense that way and fight him off. Perhaps having this somehow triggered some sort of post-traumatic stress reaction. That doesn't even make sense. Usually when kids are under the age of five when they have painful rapes and things, they can actually dissociate from parts of their body. It's hard to imagine how at 11 this could happen now. Did you talk to your doctors about this?

1:04:39 Caller I've talked to, like, I haven't gone back to, I went back once for a checkup to my gynecologist, but she said everything was fine and then I haven't really talked to my psychiatrist about it.

1:04:51 Drew Well, you need to talk to both of them again about it. I don't have a clear notion of what's going on here. There should be no nerves that they get involved with. I guess it's a possibility, but they shouldn't be anything they get involved with that way. I worry that the Zoloft somehow is affecting you differently because of the anesthesia. I worry that somehow the trauma has been reactivated and you're sort of dissociating from parts of your body because of that. All of these things are a possibility, but the first and foremost thing is to check with the gynecologist about some sort of mechanical problem that you might be having. This is Catherine, 20.

1:05:24 Adam Yeah, I wanted to ask you about legal action against my molester.

1:05:31 Drew Yeah, you sound like you're about 11.

1:05:35 Adam I'm 20.

1:05:37 Drew You're 20. Did your molestation happen when you were about 11?

1:05:40 Adam It happened for three years between the ages of 9 and 11.

1:05:46 Drew Interesting. Okay, and you want to take action against this guy?

1:05:49 Adam Yeah.

1:05:50 Drew Fantastic.

1:05:51 Adam It's just the thing is I think that I might have hindered my defense because there are some, I guess you call it, evidence that has been destroyed. Recently my mother moved out of the house that they shared together and they got a divorce recently. And there was like four boxes of pornography that she just threw away that he owned.

1:06:20 Drew Child pornography?

1:06:22 Adam I don't know. I didn't look through it. I think it was mostly like barely legal type stuff.

1:06:27 Drew Yeah. See, that's the stuff I think would be useful for you. But anyway, listen, Katherine, it's, I don't know anything about mounting a prosecution of this sort of thing, whether or not it's something that it's easy to do or impossible to do. I imagine it's pretty darn hard to do 10 years after the fact. But I certainly think it's a reasonable thing to do. It might help you in terms of dealing with all this. And it certainly puts this guy on notice, particularly if he's pursuing child pornography or other kids out there. God knows this isn't something that guys get out of their system. He was, this was, you know, somebody, your father effectively, and he's abusing you. God knows what he does to other kids. This is something that you could be doing a great service, not just yourself, but other people by at least calling this guy out, if nothing else. All right. Good luck, Catherine. It's now time for us to take another break. It's Loveline. The phone number is 1-800-LOVE-191. I'm Dr. Drew. I've just been notified that we're not going to hear from Adam Carolla tonight, so we can continue to address your problems for the next 40 minutes uninterrupted. We will do so after the break.

1:07:39 Caller Drew, how much money do guys spend trying to get chicks? Into the billions? Yes. All they need is a max deodorant body spray and a billion dollars.

1:08:16 Drew We're focusing, we're taking a novel approach tonight. We're focusing on the collars. Imagine that. Yeah, how about that? Let's go right to it. Dave, 22, what's up? Ooh! Hey, Dave.

1:08:27 How you doing?

1:08:29 Drew We're good, what's going on?

1:08:30 I'm just curious. Me and my girlfriend, she only lost her virginity about nine months ago, and I mean from me. And since then, actually before then, it was really easy to make her orgasm, especially multiple times and-

1:08:44 Drew Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, before what?

1:08:47 What, excuse me?

1:08:48 Drew Before-

1:08:48 Before she lost her virginity.

1:08:50 Drew So you were doing that with oral sex, or what were you doing?

1:08:52 Yeah, oral and just contact without intercourse. And so since then, since after that, and since she's lost her virginity, sometimes it's a little bit more difficult to get her to orgasm, but to get her to cum. And so I'm wondering, I'm wondering if there's something that is just desensitized, I mean, is that possible to get like kind of a nullifying of the sensitivity there?

1:09:19 Drew Not that I'm aware of, no.

1:09:22 And is there any like, is there any difference between ejaculatory fluid and like what is, I've heard this called a squirting?

1:09:30 Drew No, that's the same thing. And sometimes that's urine. There's obviously difference between urine and ejaculation. But yeah, some women squirt every time the orgasm, some do occasionally and some do never. We've kind of interviewed a group of women here that had this talent. And we found out that for most women, they had difficulty telling when they were having the kind of orgasm that would make them ejaculate. It wasn't as though it was necessarily more intense, though some did say it was more intense.

1:09:57 Was it like anything to do with a clitoral or vaginal orgasm?

1:10:02 Drew No, they couldn't say anything like that. No, it seemed the way they were describing it was more of the sort of vaginal realm.

1:10:08 But it's all the same fluid.

1:10:10 Drew Yeah, what's going on? What's the way all this interest?

1:10:13 What's the problem? Well, we were just curious, because I mean, sometimes, you know, after she ejaculates, it smells similar to urine, and sometimes it's more of like a watery, like liquid type of fluid.

1:10:26 Drew Maybe she does all of them. Maybe she does orgasms with and without urine, with and without glandular fluid, ejaculate. It's good times. It's all good. Relax. It's all just, just, just make sure you're just paying attention to what her needs are and just keep her happy. She'll be fine. It's all good. Jasmine, 16, what's going on? Wow. You sound like you're seven. Yes, indeed. Why? What happened to you? Oh, come on.

1:11:05 Caller Nothing's happened, I'm serious, I promise.

1:11:08 Caller I get that a lot.

1:11:08 Caller Like, one time I called this chat line thingy with my friend, we were just messing around.

1:11:13 Caller And then he's all like, get out of here.

1:11:14 Caller You're like 12.

1:11:16 Drew 12 would be, 12 is optimistic. You know, no one left, died, beat you, sexually abused you, something.

1:11:24 Caller No, no, no, no.

1:11:24 Drew When you were like six, seven years old. Are you tiny? Are you three feet tall? Jasmine, there's something going on here. Anyway, we're going further. But people don't have to bleed when they have intercourse, particularly when they're big and tall like you.

1:11:40 Caller Uh-huh.

1:11:41 Drew So, your hymen left a long time ago. Yeah. You don't have to bleed at all. Why the preoccupation with the bleeding?

1:11:56 Caller Well, I don't know, cause I mean, like, all my life I've heard, you know, oh, your cherry has to pop when you have sex, and you know.

1:12:02 Drew Yeah, well, it may not happen. Wait till you're old enough and tall and big enough. Yeah, that means something. Come on, come on. This is Cody, 18.

1:12:13 Caller Hey, what's up, Drew?

1:12:15 Drew Good, Cody, what's going on with you?

1:12:16 Caller Hey, I have this, my girlfriend is extremely, extremely needy. Like, if I'm hanging out with, we're hanging out with like a group of my friends, and she always has to have me right there, like holding her hand or like talking to her like 110% of the time.

1:12:31 Drew Yeah, that's not good. It's insecure more than needy.

1:12:34 Caller Yeah, it's kind of like that. And I have this friend that's a chick, and like we're good friends and she can't handle it, that I call her like my best friend.

1:12:43 Drew Oh, well, that can be kind of tough because, you know, when people your age that are male and female decide to be friends, it's usually because somebody's into somebody. Was your friend into you or were you into her?

1:12:55 Caller We went by sophomore year of high school, which is, you know, three years ago.

1:12:59 Drew Yeah.

1:13:00 Caller Or two years ago, rather. We kind of like saw each other. It wasn't, you know, it was just like a little sophomore crush, you know? It wasn't like-

1:13:09 Drew Who was it that sort of stopped it?

1:13:11 Caller It was her.

1:13:12 Drew Yeah, so since you were kind of into her and your girlfriend kind of sensed that. So yeah, it's kind of, listen, for somebody that's already insecure, knowing that you're friends with a girl that you were into, you know, if that girl just gives you a green light at some point, it's gonna freak out your girlfriend. What else you doing? Give me another example. Would she not let you hang out with friends? Would she not let you be out of her sight?

1:13:33 Caller It's, the whole friend thing she's cool with, sometimes she has a hard time like letting me go, like, you know, I want you to come over here. You can't, you know, don't do that or whatever. And some like when we have sex, it's like she always wants to do it now, like all the time. And it's, it's certain it's like, it's a bug in, it's like, like there's points in time where I don't even want to, cause she just wants to all the time.

1:13:58 Drew This, maybe this relationship isn't, doesn't kind of work out with you guys. It's not kind of fitting.

1:14:02 Caller I just, I think I just needed to hear that because I was a little bit confused.

1:14:06 Drew Yeah, it doesn't sound like it's making you happy.

1:14:09 Caller Not at the moment, no, not at all.

1:14:11 Drew Yeah, it doesn't sound like it's making her happy, cause she can kind of feel you pulling away and she's fighting to bring it all back in. That's exactly. And she's feeling desperate. I think out of fairness to both of you, it's not healthy for her to sit in this relationship just pining for you and striving to keep it together. That's not good for her. Now be careful when you break this off, it's gonna be difficult. It's gonna really be kind of shattering for her. Not to say that you're responsible for her feelings, but she sounds like somebody that's gonna have a real tough time when the breakup occurs and she kind of needs to deal with this stuff and be alone for a while.

1:14:43 Caller It's like all or nothing. We can either have a relationship or she'll probably hate my guts.

1:14:48 Drew Yeah, I'm sure. Is she the kind of person that has to go from relationship to relationship to relationship?

1:14:52 Caller No, I'm like her first boyfriend.

1:14:54 Drew Well, maybe that's it, yeah.

1:14:55 Caller Yeah, that might, you know, apply something to do with it.

1:14:58 Drew Yeah, but it's not working.

1:14:59 Caller Yeah, I just don't wanna be mean.

1:15:02 Drew How old is she? I know, I listen. It's very unusual for people that want to hurt somebody in a breakup, but the fact is, you're not doing somebody a favor by letting them hang out in a relationship that's not really working, it doesn't really fit for you. It's not really good for her either because she needs to develop a sense of herself, some esteem, and go ahead and get somebody that really does, in fact, care about her. Not that you don't care, but somebody who really loves her and that's not you right now. Angela, 23.

1:15:28 Caller Hey, what's up?

1:15:30 Caller So much, I wanted to thank you and Adam. I know he's not here. Both of you are sort of insightful and valuable, both comedy and therapy. I think it's really great and it's provided a lot of years of entertainment for me personally.

1:15:42 Drew Well, my pleasure, our pleasure, I'll answer on behalf of Adam. Can we hear from, wait, we can't cyber Adam, ring in sometimes here.

1:15:52 Caller So maybe my question will provide entertainment to someone out there as well, but maybe it's nutty or erotic or irrational and totally in my head, but I feel as though, and I've sort of been trying to keep a record of this, every other month, my period is like really, really painful. But then like the next, it'll be painful and the next time it'll be like, oh, nothing, it's totally fine, I don't feel anything. I mean, is that normal, is it weird, does it signify anything or am I just totally like obsessive about it?

1:16:24 Drew You don't sound like an obsessive person. Are they heavier when they hurt?

1:16:27 Caller No, it's about the same, but it just really, really hurts.

1:16:30 Drew Does it hurt on one side more than the other?

1:16:33 Caller Not that I've noticed, no.

1:16:35 Caller Hey, it takes all kinds.

1:16:36 Drew And is it both sides when it does hurt?

1:16:39 Caller It's sort of like in the middle, like I'm not sort of, what do I want to say? Just a tightening of my stomach. Not my stomach, my uterus.

1:16:49 Drew Yeah, the midline there.

1:16:50 Caller I'm not gonna answer that question because I've listened to the show too many times.

1:16:53 Drew Oh my God, oh my God, the first person not to answer that question, Angela.

1:16:58 Caller Unacceptable. I don't know, it's just unacceptable.

1:17:01 Drew She's a genius and she's a clairvoyant. She's tuned to this show. The midline is usually the uterus. So that's why you make the big buzz. And that's, in fact, where a lot of the cramping does come from is the sloughing and the inflammation of the uterine lining and wall. Why you would get it?

1:17:17 Caller It's okay, it doesn't mean like, I don't know, one of my ovaries is like freaking out or.

1:17:22 Drew Well, it makes me wonder whether you're having certain cycles where you're not ovulating perhaps, and somehow that's affecting how you experience, how your biology operates on the months when you're not. It's kind of weird that it would alternate like that. I'm not a gynecologist, so I'm not, don't have a ton of experience with an ovulatory cycles.

1:17:41 Caller That's why I make the big bucks.

1:17:42 Drew That's the one thing that occurs to me is whether you're not ovulating. If you aren't, so what? It's not a big deal. Yeah, and you don't sound like somebody who would sort of fantasize facts.

1:17:57 Caller You're a co-core.

1:17:58 Drew It's just one of those things. You're having painful periods every other month. It doesn't necessarily mean anything, actually. Philip 24.

1:18:05 Caller Yeah.

1:18:06 Drew What's going on?

1:18:06 Caller Hey, not much, Drew. Oh yeah, I'm a long-time listener and a big fan, and it's really great that you're taking everyone's calls tonight. I'm recovering from an eating disorder, actually. And I wondered how that might impact my relationship with, well, with girls, actually, but.

1:18:28 Drew The fact that you had an eating disorder, or what?

1:18:31 Caller Well, like, maybe the mental contributors behind it, like, how might that impact a relationship?

1:18:39 Drew Which are what for you, how do they?

1:18:41 Caller I don't know, like, I think it's some sort of a compulsiveness, like controlling personality, and that may have been kind of the trigger for it, because I tend to be very particular about things. And like, are people successful in relationships with that?

1:18:57 Drew Well, you've been treated, so you must be more flexible and more available and regulating by other means than the eating disorder right now, right?

1:19:08 Caller Yeah, except that I don't know at what point I'll actually have gotten over this. I mean, how do you know when you've gotten over it?

1:19:15 Drew Well, you've never really get over it. It's considered a chronic condition, but you can certainly improve a lot and be in remission for long, long periods of time, and maybe eternally in remission. The question then becomes though, what are those things that are coming to bear that produce these deficiencies that drive you towards these compulsions, and has that all been treated properly? Are you a trauma survivor?

1:19:37 Caller No, not to any extent that it would have impacted me like in my pre, like in my young years.

1:19:43 Drew Any specific trauma? Was something happen recently?

1:19:47 Caller No, it was like, I mean, in like my later teen years, there was some, like I did get picked on a lot when I was out by in high school because I tend to be very, well, obviously it was very small and I have picked on a lot and one, in one case in particular, it was quite disturbing.

1:20:05 Drew You were small because of the eating disorder?

1:20:07 Caller I don't know. I mean, I'm small frame anyway.

1:20:11 Drew Yeah, Philip, I can't, just because you were anorectic, I can't say anything globally about your relationships. Some people are anorectic, some bulimics are hypersexual and have lots of relationships. Lots of bulimic anorexics are trauma survivors. Of course, those things affect relationships. If you had very intrusive parents, which is sort of a classic circumstance for anorexia, yeah, of course, that's gonna affect how you conduct yourself in a relationship. But the most important thing is that you get treatment, you stay in treatment, and you keep some long-term therapeutic relationship going. So you can't continue growing. It can be available for healthier relationships as time goes on. But you sound okay now, get out there and mix it up a bit. Let's go to Erica, 18.

1:20:56 Adam Yeah, hi, I have a question. My fiance can't get me off, I can't even have sex.

1:21:03 Drew Unacceptable.

1:21:04 Caller Okay, what is-

1:21:06 Drew Except when you have intercourse?

1:21:07 Adam Mm-hmm.

1:21:08 Drew That's, you're expecting too much. That's not gonna happen. That's not likely to happen. Have you ever had an orgasm?

1:21:15 Adam Yeah.

1:21:16 Drew And how do you do that?

1:21:17 Adam And how do I do that?

1:21:19 Drew Yeah. How has that happened in the past?

1:21:22 Adam Not very many guys have been able to get me off. I think like out of the very few that I've been with, there's been like three.

1:21:31 Drew How many have you been with?

1:21:33 Adam Oh, God. Okay, there's been 26, but-

1:21:37 Drew My goodness, you're 18. Why all those partners?

1:21:46 Adam I'm not sure, it's just, I don't know, I went through my stage, like right after I lost my virginity and then the first guy that gave me an orgasm, I just kind of went a little nuts, I guess.

1:21:59 Drew What does that mean?

1:22:02 Adam Well, after the first guy that gave me an orgasm, I just started going after a little bit of everybody. I don't know, like I couldn't stop for some reason. I just wanted more.

1:22:13 Drew And why didn't you stay with that guy?

1:22:18 Adam Well, he actually left me for a slut.

1:22:24 Drew Okay, so you were traumatized by the guy leaving you that you were felt very connected to, right? Yes. That's what tends to happen to women, is that they have a relationship, they open up, they feel real connected. And then when that person abandons them, that reenacts as some sort of trauma. Have you abandoned as a child yourself?

1:22:44 Adam No, I didn't really see my dad that often as a child.

1:22:48 Drew That's what abandonment is. And so that resurrects all those feelings of abandonment in an attempt desperately to try to reconnect. You go out and try to find, it's not about the orgasm, Erica, that has little or nothing to do with it. It's about the abandonment. And probably this guy that you're with right now is probably a real nice guy. And probably really available. And that's very uncomfortable for you. You'd much rather be in the chase for the unavailable guy than be with the guy that is available. And as a way of sort of sabotaging that, let's focus on the orgasm. What? And so the reality is this guy, if you are able to have orgasm with intercourse or through oral sex, if you work with this guy, he'll be able to do that. It's, you know, it's, you know what you need for him to be able to do that. And the probabilities of figure out how to do that. But you got to tell him, he doesn't automatically know exactly how you work. Does that make sense? You see, you're angry. Yeah, you're very frustrated and angry with guys. And you're just not ready to have a relationship. That's the bottom line. Your thing is, you expect me to tell him how to do this? Yeah, that's the only way it's gonna happen. Unless you're with a guy who is dangerous and unavailable, then it might happen too, because that connects you with parts of yourself that you can't let this guy see right now. And you're just hell-bent on not showing them and not allowing it to happen. So there you go. You're not gonna be able to be complete in a relationship with an available guy. You're gonna keep chasing guys that are not available. That'll be very painful. So just kind of work on this and don't be open to it. Don't be so frustrated. Don't think that magically he's gonna know exactly how you function and play you like some sort of cello. Yeah, that's checking the 18, 19-year-old guy. It's impossible. And the only reason you're able to get off with the other guys is because he was a bad guy and that's not gonna be a satisfying relationship. Yeah, all the, this is again, to sort of bring up a little Adam Corollaism here for all the dads that don't parent. Here's what you get. That's it. Erica, struggling, looking for something, a society that tells her that really the orgasm is the, yeah, that's what she needs is another orgasm. You go find it another guy, which only supports all this psychological desperation to find the unavailable male. Really? That's what you guys want? The fathers that will abandon your kids and think other things are more important, spending time with your kids. That's what you want? That's what you get. All right, it's Loveline, 1-800-LOVE-191. We'll be back right after this. Love Line, 1-800-LOVE-191. I'm Dr. Drew. Adam is not coming in tonight. All right. Let's take Caroline, he will be here tomorrow, by the way. Yeah, just to prepare you guys, we will have to hear about Italy for, you think you can get it all in in 20 minutes?

1:26:00 Caller 20 minutes? I was gonna say like two months.

1:26:02 Drew Two months of it, yeah, two months. But I'm just wondering what we're gonna do, whether we'll take calls tomorrow, I don't know.

1:26:06 Caller I just hope you liked it and that maybe he's kind of bored so he doesn't have a whole lot. Because if he hated the country, we're gonna hear about it and how awful it is.

1:26:13 Drew There will be some adventure, I'm sure. Caroline, 20.

1:26:15 Caller Hey, Dr. Drew, thanks so much for taking my call.

1:26:18 Drew No sweat, what's up?

1:26:20 Caller Well, just a little bit of background before I ask my question. I've been bouncing in and out of relationships since I was about 14, and they can be lasting for a year, a couple of months, or even just a night or two. And I've recently been involved in a 12-step program for alcohol and cocaine. And the program suggests not to be in a relationship for the first year because the point is to work on your recovery and find a higher power and all that stuff.

1:26:53 Drew It's not just about working on recovery. It's that relationships, if they're going to survive, tend to keep you locked in. It's just the way sort of a lock and key fit together into whatever, whoever you are at the point in which the relationship starts. And the big goal in sobriety is to grow a lot during that year. And if you, at the end of the year, you will be attracted to entirely different people, different kind of person will be attracted to you. The way you experience yourself, relationships are going to be different. And if you lock yourself into a relationship early on, all of that gets sort of aborted or restricted. Well, distraction, yeah, it's chaos and it's, well, you know, listen, humans, nowhere is our craziness acted out more than in relationships. Whatever there is, the interpersonal is where it all plays out. So you want to hold that for a while and just work on an intimate relationship that is non-sexual, non-romantic, meaning your relationship with your sponsor, and grow in that relationship, then take that over to the romantic realm and see how it goes.

1:28:03 Caller But how do I break away from that fear of loneliness? Because my biggest trigger to relapse is being lonely.

1:28:09 Drew Then you go to lots of meetings, have lots of contact with lots of people that really care about you, that you gotta develop those relationships, lots of them. I bet you have trouble with women generally too, right?

1:28:19 Caller Oh yeah, I mean, it's always the competition, the jealousy, all that.

1:28:23 Drew Well, let all that go, let it go. Let it go and accept the support of other women. You've got to accept that because that's the only, that is your only hope. You keep using men, men just become another bromide, another way of regulating your feelings, another drug. And that's what they are to you. They're either a drug or an acting out of primitive material. Don't do it.

1:28:47 Caller It's also a matter of building self-esteem and confidence though, because I often find that in guys, you know.

1:28:54 Drew Well, no, no. That's just validation. That's not self-esteem. That's just, I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay. He likes me, I'm okay. That's nonsense. That's a never ending void you're gonna have to always fill as opposed to a genuine connection where you genuinely learn to experience yourself in intimate dialogue with another person, another female and emerge as somebody who can regulate her feelings, can feel a range of feelings that you couldn't tolerate before. And in the face of that competency, that self competency, you will develop a sense of esteem, real esteem, not just filling a void.

1:29:31 Caller What do you think the reason is behind this though? I mean, why? I mean, for the last six, seven years, it's been like in one out the other, you know, it's like, it's just a constant cycle. And you're right. I mean, it's about filling that hole, but it's-

1:29:42 Drew Yeah, well, those don't fill the hole. Those sustain the hole and it's just acting out. You might wanna read my book, Cracked. I do get into that a little bit in that book and that how people that need to be rescued. No, I don't get any money for it. Need to be, it is coming out on paper back in the fall. I might get money for that if it sells. Filling that void keeps you constantly in need of rescue, constantly in need of the man, just the way constantly in need of cocaine and alcohol. It's not, trust me. I've seen lots of, maybe there are other ways to do this and certainly individual psychotherapy is one of the things you could consider, but I've seen wonderful, wonderful recoveries in 12 Step with that sponsor, but you've got to stick with it and you've got to do the work and you've got to fall directions. You have to contain the desire to go out and act out with men and with alcohol and pot or alcohol and cocaine in your case. Same thing, you can't do it. Nicole, 22.

1:30:34 Adam Yes, hi. I love your show by the way.

1:30:36 Drew Thank you.

1:30:37 Adam My question is, let me give you a brief history. I was molested by my older brother between the ages of six and eight.

1:30:46 Drew Perfectly normal, perfectly natural. It was good times.

1:30:50 Adam Great. And then my father had killed himself a couple of years later. And I'm married now and I have a two-year-old daughter. And I'm a bit terrified of leaving her alone with a male in my family.

1:31:05 Drew Absolutely.

1:31:06 Adam Nope, nobody in my family that has molested me though. They're out of the picture, just his family.

1:31:11 Drew Oh, I see. Well, I don't want to support your paranoia. However, you having been abused does mean you're gonna be attracted to people that are abusers. So in a way, you're keeping an eye on the child is an adaptive thing. On the other hand, you constantly needing to be over the child gives the child the message that he or she is not competent and cannot sort of move away from you safely and part of the early childhood development, the most important thing is getting that support from you and then being able to move away from that home base, constantly checking in with you, but move away and develop some independence and competence. So it's a tough situation. Maybe there are other people around you because surrogates you can trust. You've gotta be-

1:32:05 Adam They have a very great, tight-knit family, actually. Nothing from my family. I just am paranoid when I'm leaving her. I feel like I can't trust anybody with her, any male with her.

1:32:18 Drew Well, again, not completely maladaptive impulses, even if you hadn't been abused. On the other hand, yeah, the child needs to see that you're okay. If it's shattering to you as you move away, the child is gonna be in a panic whenever he or she is alone. And that is destructive to the child's development. So on behalf of the child, you've got to find a way to deal with that paranoia. Calm yourself, whatever you need to do to do so, or maybe even get some individual treatment for yourself. Obviously you need it, you've been really abused. All that stuff will reemerge now that you have a child. Children are extremely evocative of old material that you may have had into raps for a long time. We have to go to break right now.

1:32:57 Caller All right, guys, here's the deal.

1:32:59 Caller Look in the hookup, call the dateline. Sick of wasting time with the wrong person. Call the dateline.

1:33:03 Caller One call is all you need to make.

1:33:05 Caller Call the dateline.

1:33:06 Caller 1-877-889. Adam and Dr. Drew will be right back on Loveline.

1:33:17 Caller This hour brought to you in part by Axe.

1:33:19 Caller Experience the Axe Effect.

1:33:38 Drew Well, that'll about do it. Thank you for listening tonight. Thank you for participating and calling in. I think we've got a little bit of work done for change. I mean, not now for change, but what am I gonna say? Adam will be back tomorrow night. We will hear about his illustrious trip to Italy for his 40th birthday, and I'm sure there'll be plenty to be discussed. And we'll hear, I'm anxious to hear from Thunderbolt, or whatever that Indian's name is. I'm getting so good at translating it, I think it's very interesting to talk, let him, the shaman give us some words of wisdom. So this is Dr. Drew on behalf of Adam Carolla, who will be in tomorrow night saying, Mahalo. Adam is not coming in tonight, damn.

1:34:20 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Annie Gold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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Sunday, June 6, 2004