Episode 1000611769482

1:09 Voiceover Look, Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content. Listen, discretion is advised. Loveline with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

1:11 Adam It's Loveline. I'm Adam.

1:11 Adam That's Dr. Drew.

1:11 Drew Founder, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1.

1:11 Adam Dr. Drew, board certified physician, addiction medicine specialist. Just talking to Drew about bad people before the show started, and I just thought, you know this guy, first off, Happy Cinco de Mayo. I'm gonna guess, Mexico's gonna celebrate by eating a very special dish. This one might have beef and cheese, and maybe finish off some rice and some beans. Yeah?

1:34 Adam Special.

1:35 Adam Once a year, once a year. And maybe a little corn tortilla. Yeah. Not a lot of culinary range, just people.

1:44 Adam I saw Chris' brother today.

1:46 Adam Really?

1:47 Adam Carbon copy of Chris.

1:48 Adam Really?

1:48 Adam Twice his height.

1:50 Adam Really? Engineer Chris' brother. Where'd you see him?

1:53 Adam At Starbucks.

1:54 Adam Oh. Oh yeah, he works.

1:55 Adam By the hospital.

1:56 Adam Oh, Drew went in there. Single to mile, yeah. Trying to get yourself a little freebie on the Grande Latte, huh?

2:04 Adam No go.

2:05 Adam No go. Yeah, let me tell you, I got a couple things to say. First off, this whole corporate world thing, you don't get squat anymore. There used to be a day. There used to be, first off, all you needed was a roll of 20s in your pocket. You'd get anywhere. You know what I mean? I'm thinking about like Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin. You know, I'm thinking about those days. Their life. When it's like, yeah, you go in like, gee, how long's it? Well, the maitre d says, you know, we got about a 45-minute wait. 45-minute wait. Maybe this will shorten the wait. Got down to about 20 minutes, peel off another 20. Here you go. You know, pulling the table out. You know, now, and this is our, everything's corporate. There's no, nobody can do anything. It's ruined. I do this all the time. We meet guys. It's like, what do you do? I'm a manager over at Electronic City. I run the whole place. Oh, you do. Because I'm looking at big screens. Oh, well, come on. You gotta talk to the guy. He can't do anything. It's not his store. He's just a worker. And yeah, you know, engineer Chris's brother? Fine. You know what that's good for? Zip? There's nothing. He could manage a Starbucks. All right, he manages a Starbucks. He is your brother manages a Starbucks? That's correct. Wow. Is he younger than you?

3:21 Adam Yeah.

3:22 Adam Wow, that's sad.

3:23 Adam I asked a subtle question. Wow. I asked a subtle question. Do you live with Chris? I did.

3:28 Adam Oh yeah, does he? But living at home? He's living at home?

3:32 Adam Yeah.

3:34 Adam Okay. Shut your mic. Now listen, what was I saying, Drew? Point is, guy could own the store. Doesn't, can't do anything for you anymore.

3:42 Adam Right, cause it's...

3:42 Adam No one ever got you a deal. Nobody do anything. It used to be, hey, you know, this guy runs EI, he has a sofa outlet. He'd give you a sofa if you wanted to. Just come in, just hand you one. Hey, come around the back. I'll throw one out the back. Hey, there's nothing. So it doesn't matter who you know anymore. It doesn't get you anything.

3:58 Adam You know what really still works is a Burger Continental in Pasadena.

4:02 Adam Oh really? Oh, you know people there?

4:05 Adam Oh, so it's embarrassing.

4:06 Adam But it's not a chain.

4:07 Adam No, but it's the point. You get it, it's owned by a family. And...

4:10 Adam That's it. There's a handful of Ma and Pa places left where you can go over there and a guy can just throw you a handful of this or a couple of those. But...

4:18 Adam He does it with everybody, too.

4:19 Adam It's no good now. You could know the guy who manages the Home Depot that would not be good for one free three-quarter inch wood screw worth three cents. It gets you nothing. You know what I mean? It's not worth... It's not worth networking anymore. You used to network. Like, hey, you know this guy, I know this guy. Hey, he'll get you in over... No, none of that anymore. Nothing anyone can do about anything. It's one big corporate thing. And all the guy, Chris' brother, worthless... He's dead to me, by the way. He's worthless. It's not good for anything. You go in there, probably pay a little extra. Here's the good thing about, like, at Starbucks, you know a guy? He can get you a coffee for eight dollars. All these other suckers are paying like nine fifty for it. Fantastic. That's old twelve ounces. Now what was I going to say? Oh, yeah. Here's what I was going to say. True. New twist on hitting the mic. He scraped of your ring tonight. Playing it like that wooden fish. Cinco de Mayo. Very exciting. The you know, they caught this guy who phoned in basically the terrorist threat in the West Side.

5:24 Adam Really?

5:24 Adam Remember this? Last week. Last week out here, out in the West Side by Westwood, UCLA and all that area, somebody said, phoned something in, I think it was in through Canada or something, where there's going to be terrorist activity. By the way, this costs people a lot of money.

5:47 Adam That's the point. That's why it's illegal.

5:48 Adam Yeah. Well, it also takes a certain toll emotionally. But you waste a lot of time, a lot of energy on it. Here's the thing. Here's what the guy, here's what the guy did. He, his girlfriend, he was a Middle Eastern cat. He was living in Canada, traveling somewhere on the East Coast. Or, no, he was going through Montana or something from Canada. Anyway, Middle Eastern guy had pissed off at his girlfriend because she owed him a few bucks. So thought it'd be a good way to get back at her by phoning in a threat using her name and her new boyfriend's name. So the feds would show up at their place, guns drawn. Here's my thing on this guy. I want him blown up. I just, I want him dead. I don't have any, I have like zero tolerance policy for this kind of stuff. You know, we have zero tolerance for like, oh look, doesn't matter if you get caught with one joint or a metric ton of marijuana. We got zero tolerance. How about you, in this climate, by the way, in this climate, you calling in from Canada that is picking specific targets in the west side of Los Angeles, because you PO'd at the old lady. Yeah, this will show her. This guy, by the way, the reason they caught her, and this is another reason I want this guy, I just want an M-80 to put up his ass and just blow him up in the town square. He's got problems because he tried to embezzle some money from a job and his papers are, you know, he's here illegally. His papers are flat. By the way, I like this kind of a-hole. Even though he's already sort of a fugitive, he's still got enough time to phone in a few threats and stuff and sort of like rekindle the fugitive flame, you know? And this is what our, by the way, our INS, it's like, the INS scheduled a meeting with him, but he never showed up. This is our policy. It's like we get some guy from the Middle East, his visa's expired, he's got some trouble, he's got some legal problems. Yeah, hey, Nazif, could you come by and drop in? We'd like to talk to you. Oh, gee, wonder where he is. He must have left the country. Well, we don't have the resources to go look for him. But we got the resources to get my buddy Ray with the parking tickets out of his mom's apartment ten years ago. We don't, not, we're gonna call the guy in for me. So the guy, you know, the guy takes it on the lam and then he phones this one in. Now what do we got to do with the guy? We put him, we just put him in a god damn cannon and fire him toward the Middle East. Hope he makes it there. You know what I mean? How many, how much resources, how much time? I don't know about the policy about wanting to have to sit down with people that obviously are gonna flee. It's like, like look, hey, uh, it looks like you've been shoplifting. Um, yeah, your pants are filled with power tools and other valuables from our store. Let's say two weeks from today. Is there, what's today, Thursday? Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, good for you, about noon, should come back and we'll have a little sit down, okay? A word of honor, though. I'll meet you here, alright? Alright, okay, have a good day. Wait, think the guy's gonna show up or might he just take off? Jesus Christ, what are we doing in this country? What are we gonna do with guys like this? And what, what can we do with them?

9:00 Adam The problem is, is, you're, by, by painting this guy as Middle Eastern or then you trigger everybody's spidey senses. I mean, he could be Jordanian, he could be Saudi Arabian, he could be a lot of different things.

9:13 Adam He was, he was one of the country's, well no, it led, it gave credence to his accusations and allegations because he had the accent, because he had the name. It made sense to the authorities. It wasn't some, it was a teenage kid laughing from Arkansas going, we're gonna do this.

9:30 Adam Yeah, but he said he was the girlfriend or something.

9:33 Adam He, she was of that descent as well. And so was her new boyfriend or something evidently.

9:39 Adam But the point is that the guys are criminal. That's what this is about. Hey, what do you think I'm saying? What do you think I'm saying? I want to not have people not hear what you're saying because they react to you painting it with a broad brush about Middle Easterners. That's all. I'm trying to help you.

9:55 Adam Oh, shut up. Stop posting out on everything. What are you talking about? I want this guy destroyed. No, not the right. What do you think I'm saying? That's not being such a paranoid person.

10:06 Adam I'm just thinking how people will hear these things.

10:08 Adam Who cares what people think? Are it stoners who listen to this crappy show? I don't give a ass.

10:16 Adam But then you don't care that your message gets heard. I'm trying to make some people get defensive about what you're saying.

10:21 Adam I'm not saying... I said the guy was Middle Eastern. He ratted out on his girlfriend.

10:28 Adam I'm just thinking about how people react to it.

10:30 Adam I don't care how people react to it. What am I saying?

10:33 Adam You're saying that a guy that's a criminal should be... There should be zero tolerance for criminal behavior of this type, the particular at this time.

10:39 Adam Yes.

10:40 Adam That's all. Independent of his ethnicity or where he's from or whatever. It's just that feeds into the sort of the craziness about all this.

10:50 Adam Courtney, stop being such a posterity. As soon as we get off the air, you know I'm right. Please. Who cares? You idiots. Drew too. Two-faced.

11:01 Adam Courtney.

11:02 Yeah.

11:03 Adam Yeah.

11:04 Hey. What's up? I guess to ask my question now? I'm not real good at this. I'm sorry.

11:12 Adam That's all right. We like listening to that accent out here though. So go ahead.

11:18 My question is, and I don't know, I'm 20 and my boyfriend is 26. And in the past, which is not anymore, but in the past he says, he's told me, and like I know him around town or whatever, and my friends know him that when he graduated that he has done a lot of drugs. And I think like cocaine and stuff like that. And like when he was younger, you know, and he used to like be a player, I guess you could say or whatever. Anyway, my question is that for some reason, and I know I'm young, I know I'm 20, but for some reason, I'm really sexually active, not with like a bunch of guys, but since I've dated him, I've been really sexually active. He's not. And when he drinks or something, that's when you want to do it or something like that or make love. But that seems like that's the only time.

12:10 Adam All right, shut up, shut up, shut up. That's all right.

12:15 I'm sorry.

12:16 Adam Just give a quick tip to everybody. When people get nervous, they talk way too much, way too fast. And it makes sense. But on the other hand, it's a...

12:25 Adam You just sort of add a mistake to me. You just sort of add a mistake to me. Jesus, come on now.

12:30 Adam Okay, now let me try to get a few questions in.

12:35 Adam What are you actually doing? How often? Yeah.

12:38 Like, okay, I mean, sometimes not even during, probably maybe. I mean, it all depends. We might do it twice in one week and then not three more weeks.

12:47 Adam Okay, there you go. Fine, stop. Relax. Just give us, just give us, just the facts, ma'am.

12:51 Adam That's right, ma'am.

12:52 Adam What are you good for? What do you want?

12:55 I don't understand.

12:58 Adam How often would you like to have sex?

13:01 At least three or four times a week.

13:05 Adam Just answer the question.

13:06 Adam They're not too far off.

13:07 Adam Yeah. Well, he sometimes lets go for three weeks and she freaks out.

13:10 Adam I couldn't get through all that.

13:13 I don't freak out, really. He says that, you know, oh baby, it's not you, you know, and I recently lost my father and I kind of, like, I'm not fat. I mean, I weigh about 145, but I guess I weigh a little bit less and I recently lost my father. When I did that, they put me on Paxil, which made me gain a little bit of weight and now I started losing it.

13:32 Adam Did the Paxil shut you down sexually a little bit?

13:35 No, that's the thing.

13:39 Adam Is your boyfriend on any medication?

13:41 No, he's not on any medication.

13:44 Adam Does he do any... He said he did some drugs?

13:46 Yeah.

13:47 Adam And he's not doing anything now?

13:49 No, he's not doing anything at all.

13:51 Adam That doesn't make sense.

13:52 Adam Well, what drugs...

13:55 Adam What drugs? Sir, Adam, sir.

13:59 He did cocaine and he drank a lot. He did... He took Xanax and stuff like that.

14:05 Adam Say cocaine again.

14:06 Adam Yeah, cocaine is a great drug for you. What drugs did he do?

14:13 He did... He said he did cocaine and like he took Xanax.

14:16 Adam Yeah, I love that.

14:20 No, you're making fun of me.

14:22 Adam Now, Drew is... He loves the Middle Easterners. He hates the kinfolk from Georgia.

14:29 Adam All right, Courtney, here's the deal. This may just be his sort of normal rhythm. He's not way off in terms of what some guys are. Now, it's disturbing that he used to be sort of super sexually active. He might even have been an addict and maybe even a sex addict. And one of the things that happens when people are sort of head toward sexual compulsion is that they'll go through periods of deprivation where they're sort of nodding. But this doesn't sound like that particularly either, yeah. It's disturbing that he only wants to have sex when he's using drugs or alcohol. Frankly, I'll be honest with you.

15:02 Adam I don't like him.

15:03 Adam Yeah, not a great guy to be in a relationship. Bottom line. Bottom line.

15:06 Adam No. But here's honestly by your twang we've decided he's, you've picked, you've done a horrible job picking a guy.

15:15 Adam But it matches her number though probably.

15:17 Adam Yeah, let me say this. Sometimes we base these guys' partners on how the guy actually is and then other times we base them on the type of person that she is, that the person would pick. And sometimes we, I, when I talk to Courtney over here, I just see somebody who's, she lost her dad, she's beaten herself up, she's put on a couple pounds.

15:47 Adam Super codependent.

15:47 Adam Super codependent and I feel like I don't like the guy she's attracted to.

15:53 Adam An addict.

15:55 Adam Even if he wasn't, I don't like that guy.

15:57 Adam And he's not, she is expressing very specific needs and he's not willing to respond to that.

16:02 Adam Here's the deal, all you 20 year old broads, even the ones that got an extra couple pounds on you, you can get what you want out there.

16:08 Adam Easily.

16:09 Adam It's buyer's market. You can find what you need.

16:13 Adam Or seller's market in this case.

16:15 Adam It's a seller's market, yeah. You got a fresh load of Poon Pang just got off, just right from the docks, we just loaded it.

16:23 Adam The net opened up.

16:24 Adam We just unloaded it off the cargo net. Yeah, it's all in the deck now.

16:29 Adam Like a Bubba Gump deck, just poured out on the deck there.

16:33 Adam For me, all I got was the license plate and the one cod just flopping around. There. Like a boot.

16:40 Adam Months of trolling.

16:41 Adam Like a boot, yeah.

16:41 Adam Months, years of trolling.

16:42 Adam That's right. That's right. Yeah. All right. So, go find a decent guy. Yeah. Yeah?

16:48 Adam I'm afraid so. Sorry. But we got to sort of tell you what our honest assessment is.

16:53 Adam Alex?

16:54 Hey, what's up, Tom? You're 15? Yeah.

16:57 Adam What's happening?

16:58 I was diagnosed with throat cancer a few months ago.

17:01 Adam Throat cancer? What kind?

17:03 I don't know.

17:04 Drew It was on my voice box. It was some long name.

17:06 I can't remember what it was.

17:08 Adam And it was... When you get laryngeal cancer, they take your voice box off or they give you x-ray treatments?

17:15 They gave me laser surgery to treat it.

17:18 I had to go down to St. Louis.

17:19 Adam Did that take care of it?

17:21 Yeah, it took care of it.

17:23 Drew That is rare in your age.

17:24 Adam Yeah. Do you smoke a lot of cigarettes or pot?

17:28 That was the question.

17:29 Adam Well, there you go. Wow. Yeah, there you go.

17:32 Adam You answered two years of smoking pot.

17:36 Adam You wouldn't think so, but here he is doing something. You know what I mean? It's not typical, that's for sure, but you got to stop all that. You got to stop all that. I mean, that's the nuttiness of... That's like somebody on a breathing machine, you're smoking cigarettes because they're in emcee mode.

17:51 Adam I see it all the time. Yeah. Well, let me ask you how this stuff works, Drew. I'm bracing myself for being let down with your answer. Obviously, the guy has a predisposition for this stuff or is not going to get it. I know doctors like you do with the gynecomastia thing. Well, that's for a moment now. That's another predisposition, but there's certain things that can aggravate it or kick started or activate it or whatever you want to call it.

18:20 Adam I mean, you can get as wild as you want with it.

18:22 Adam But hot isn't going to give the guy cancer when everyone else smokes pot and doesn't get it.

18:26 Adam But listen, every illness, Adam, is an interaction between the gene and the environment, every one. So to say it's a predisposition is to say, well, it's all illnesses.

18:35 Adam The gene is predominant, one, if it's the environment that takes many, many years, depending on what the environment is. I mean, if you're working in a coal mine, maybe you can get some black lung in ten years. But you're smoking weed in high school, you've got many, many years. And unless the gene is going to have to way outweigh the environment.

18:55 Adam Or serendipity prevails. I mean, there's a probability equation of when that gene and the environment are actually going to develop.

19:01 Adam Well, what I'm asking is, and maybe there's no answer to it, obviously him smoking pot didn't help.

19:07 Adam Right.

19:08 Adam And obviously also didn't cause it.

19:11 Right.

19:12 Adam It doesn't make sense for him to smoke any more pot.

19:14 Adam Right.

19:16 Adam If in, he never smoked pot. This probably would have showed up at some point.

19:23 Adam Hard to say.

19:25 Adam And unless there's some things that sort of hover, and do we know enough to know? Like something like just hover around, and just a little bit of pot is enough just to sort of destroy the broken camel's back? I don't think it works that way. Does it? Or does anyone know?

19:39 Adam It's a probability. Nobody knows for sure. But it's a probability equation. You put a carcinogen in, and it's the number of hits versus when the gene expresses, when the cancer expresses.

19:49 Adam All I know is that...

19:50 Adam It's like shooting ping pong balls at a wall. You know what I mean? It's like thousands of them get there, and finally one pal pops through.

19:55 Adam Here's all I'm saying. Here's all I got to say. Somebody brought this up. I'm just... All I can think of is genetics anymore. That's all. That's why I need some of your sperm.

20:05 Adam Yeah. Yeah, you do.

20:07 Adam I'm a smart kid. Yeah.

20:08 Adam I get that.

20:09 Adam You got a nice jaw line. Look at the work. You got those...

20:13 Adam Badness.

20:13 Adam Badness. Okay, we don't need any of that. Chris... All right, I'm going to see if I can find Shriner. He left the building. Yeah. Ann has a very handsome husband that has a pretty strong seed, although I'm not sure about the kid's work ethic, but I could use a little of a seed. So if you got sometimes a little left on the sleeve or... I'm not telling you how to... Anyway.

20:42 Adam It's getting weird.

20:42 Adam It's getting weird. Here's my point. Here's all I said. I'm sitting in my office today, and one of my buddies, Dave, he says... He laments out loud. He says, I've been working out. I've been going to the gym for one year now. It's been one year. I've been working out, hitting the weights every day for a year. I look about the same. What's going on? I can't believe this. I said, look. I said, Dave, look at it this way. Our buddy Tony in the next office has bigger, nicer, more well-defined calves than any professional tennis player on the circuit currently. He does nothing. Why? Why? Well, that's why. That's it. And I just started thinking about that. We live in a society where it's like, oh, where'd you get that from? Well, I used to dance when I was, oh, Tony, that's where you got this wonderful catch. Oh, what happened to him? Well, he shouldn't, you know, because he was a bike messenger, so he sucked up a lot of on and that's where it got him. He got the esophageal cancer. No, no, it's just, environment's not going to help, but man, if you're getting something, you're getting something. And if you ain't, if your body ain't going to handle it, go to the gym all you want, knock yourself out. No one ever think you went one day. Yes? Okay. All right, Trudy, you had something to say.

21:58 Adam Tony Barbieri, is that his dog? That is Cousin. He's a producer at the Dennis Miller Show.

22:03 Adam Really? I had no idea.

22:04 Adam Which, I'm on that show tonight.

22:06 Adam You're doing Dennis Miller?

22:07 Adam I did it yesterday.

22:08 Adam How was that?

22:09 Adam Good. He's making me come up here.

22:11 Adam Dennis? Yeah. No.

22:13 Adam His son is a huge fan. Well, his son might come up.

22:16 Adam You drew, you shot a movie with 13 people so far.

22:19 Adam One.

22:20 Adam We got Jack Osborne from the movie, who was probably scheduled to come on anyway.

22:24 Adam His mom made him come.

22:25 Adam All right, Alex. Yeah. Here's the thing, buddy boy. I don't think the hot smoking gave you cancer, but every time I did it, my throat got more hoarse, like every time I did it, and then I went to the doctor and that's how they discovered it.

22:43 Adam Here's what's clear. You can never do it again.

22:45 Adam What did they say? Yeah, you gotta start eating brownies, dude. What did... Well, it's the pot smokers' laugh that left your throat up. Hey, Alex. What did the doctor who treated you say about the throat cancer and the marijuana?

23:05 Adam He didn't talk.

23:05 I didn't tell him I smoked marijuana.

23:07 Adam You didn't give him a heads up, huh?

23:08 Adam I love that about him.

23:09 Adam I love that, too. And by the way, at a certain point, can't you just scrape a burnout's throat for resins? I mean, there's nothing there. Don't smell like anything. No, nothing. And by the way, don't start... If this caused it, would that be the first question you asked? So listen, buddy. No more pot smoking for you. That's it.

23:32 Adam Did you fart again?

23:33 Adam No. I may have moved around a little, which may have un-lodged it from my chair from last night.

23:40 Adam No, I think it's just been lost in that forest you've got going down there.

23:44 Adam Oh, I'll tell you, I let a nice one go on the way home. No, on the way home.

23:49 Adam You've got to start loading here for an hour and a half.

23:52 Adam Let me tell you something about you jive turkeys out there in your big SUVs. Not only are you supporting Al-Qaeda, but you cannot enjoy your own gas when you drive around in a blimp hangar. You got 750 cubic feet of space.

24:07 Adam That is the reason not to drive the SUV. Thank you. Finally, a reason.

24:11 Adam Yeah, it's like driving a concert hall down the street. You blow some gas, it just blows behind you, gets caught in some vortex, goes back to the 17th row of your seating. It's no good. You blow wind in a small two-seater like me. Oh, you get six, seven off-ramps enjoyment off of that baby.

24:29 Adam Let's do a tease with Jessica before we break.

24:31 Adam All right. Jessica?

24:35 Yeah.

24:37 Adam What's happening, baby? What's your question?

24:40 Well, whenever I get clitoral stimulation, either orally or by masturbation, I actually basically turn into Thumper the Rabbit from Bambi.

24:51 Adam Perfect. Hold on. If that leg gets gone, like when you scratch a dog's ass. Good times. We'll take a quick break. Get back with Jessica after this. Phone number 1-800-LLV-E-191, Dr. Drew Bush, and I'm a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a-bob-a- Uh, Jay Moore coming in here tomorrow night.

25:23 Adam I believe you are the only radio host in the country that routinely breaks into Jibberish.

25:27 Adam Not that, well, no, that's not Jibberish, that's American Indian. Come on.

25:32 Adam Well, you have American Indian Jibberish, you have Strip Show, Strip Club Jibberish, you have a talk show Jibberish, you have radio Jibberish.

25:40 Adam Anything but talk.

25:41 Adam Yeah, anything but actually speak English.

25:44 Adam Yeah, now they're not that different. American Indian Jibberish is Ya-Che. Ya-Nahey. Ya-Hey-Ya. Wan-Nah-Che-Kay. Ya-Nah-Nah.

25:54 Adam There's a whole talk show host Jibberish.

26:00 Adam Ah, well, suddenly, Chris over here is still living in Oval. His mom's like, Oh, and Chris is like, Well, I don't know. And his mom's like, Well, did you get the holes all?

26:13 Adam And then there's the stripper, strip club DJ Jibberish.

26:20 Adam I need the music for that. I can't just get into it.

26:25 Adam I'll drink coffee while we get ready.

26:28 Adam Let's go to the phones here.

26:30 Adam Oh, I had to shut the lid down.

26:34 Adam Ha, wait a minute. Give it to me again. It's Sheryl Live Low. I'm a fat guy with a fanny pack.

26:52 Adam And I believe there's even a minkage of her if I remember right.

26:54 Adam No, I don't have anything.

26:55 Adam Think about it. But she came and talked to you at the strip club?

27:00 Adam Yeah, what was her, what was her thing?

27:03 Adam Number one, Asian big boob queen.

27:07 Adam She came and mopped her mouth after ruin by penis.

27:13 Adam But remember she's a tramp.

27:15 Adam Oh, I am.

27:16 Adam But all those in three... That's not Jibberish. But she stilettoed your nuts or something and...

27:23 Adam No, that's Mexican jibberish.

27:24 Adam That's Mexican jibberish?

27:25 Adam Yeah. Who? Who? You want to hear my three me-ho's? Yeah. I'm going to do my three me-ho's on...

27:36 Adam For Cinco de Mayo...

27:37 Adam .for honor of Cinco de Mayo. I don't know how I work this out, but it always delights the boys at the office. Mi-ho, by the way, Engineer Chris will tell you. That's what the Mexican moms call their kids.

27:50 Adam You have a Mexican dad, though.

27:51 Adam They call their sons.

27:52 Adam You have a Mexican dad, though, right?

27:53 Adam Yeah.

27:54 Adam Your Italian mom.

27:55 Adam Whatever. It's the same difference. Here's the point. They call their sons mi-ho. I don't think they call the girls. Maybe they call them mi-ha.

28:03 Caller Mi-ha.

28:03 Adam Mi-ha.

28:03 Drew Mi-ha.

28:03 Adam Mi-ha.

28:04 Adam Mi-ha.

28:04 Drew Mi-ha.

28:04 Adam Mi-ha.

28:04 Caller Mi-ha.

28:04 Adam Mi-ha. Mi-ha. Mi-ha.

28:11 Drew Mi-ha.

28:11 Adam Mi-ha.

28:11 Drew Mi-ha.

28:11 Adam Mi-ha. Mi-ha. Mi-ha. Mi-ha. Mi-ha. Mi-ha.

28:14 Caller Mi-ha.

28:14 Adam Mi-ha.

28:15 Caller Mi-ha.

28:15 Adam Mi-ha. Mi-ha. Mi-ha. Mi-ha.

28:16 Drew Mi-ha.

28:17 Adam Mi-ha. Mi-ha.

28:18 Drew Mi-ha.

28:18 Adam Mi-ha.

28:18 Drew Mi-ha. Mi-ha.

28:19 Adam Mi-ha. Mi-ha.

28:20 Drew Mi-ha.

28:20 Adam Mi-ha. Mi-ha. Mi-ha. Mi-ha. Mi-ha. Mi-ha. Mi-ha. Mi-ha. Mi-ha. Mi-ha. It's my mom, yeah. She's come home from a day of shopping. It's just starting to get dark. She thinks Chris is home. So first, miho, she comes to the door. She wants some help, she's announcing that she's come home. So now, this is number one miho, comes to the door. That's some home miho, right? Now, what's going on? It's dark, the lights have been turned on. He should be home. I saw his donkey parked out in the driveway, but he's not here. Uh-oh, and now it's confusion. Miho! That's the second miho. Third one walks into the room. Now, just a shot from behind him, he's swinging. He's hung himself. He's obviously, he couldn't put up with the pain, humiliation. So it's a shot of her with the feet swinging in front of her, holding the groceries, drops the groceries, eggs crack on the ground. Third one, miho! Yeah, those are all three. That's great. That's three. First one's at home, second one is where are you? Third is, you know, just cracking down. So emotional, eggs cracking on the ground.

29:29 Adam Tell me.

29:29 Adam As a little miho for, you know, for a second in a mile.

29:33 Adam Thumper?

29:34 Adam Jessica?

29:35 Yes.

29:36 Adam All right, so you're 17.

29:39 Caller Yes.

29:41 Adam Whenever?

29:43 Caller Well, whenever I get clitoral stimulation, I like freak out.

29:48 Adam You freak out? It's uncomfortable?

29:51 Caller I don't know how to explain it. It's like someone pulling on a nerve or something. Like I can't handle it and I make them stop.

29:59 Adam It's like somebody like rubbing their finger on the top roof of your mouth kind of feeling.

30:03 Caller Well, worse than that. Like maybe scratching your fingernails down a chalkboard.

30:08 Adam Again, is there a male, 17 year old male on earth that could describe his penis being stimulated that way? I don't care if he's had a spinal cord injury. There is not a male on earth that could describe things that way. Do you have orgasms?

30:24 Caller No, I've never had an orgasm.

30:26 Adam You've never had intercourse?

30:27 Caller Yes.

30:28 Adam And you feel close to orgasm with that or no?

30:32 Caller No, not at all.

30:34 Adam Is it overwhelming? Is everything, every time someone stimulates you, is it overwhelming?

30:40 Caller Yeah, I mean they try and then I'm like, okay, you have to stop.

30:44 Adam Do you feel sexual? Do you get aroused?

30:46 Caller Yeah, I do, but it's just, I can't handle it. I don't know if I should just try to handle it anyway, but...

30:54 Adam No, you should just kind of lay off for a while. This biology will kind of catch up with time. This is what people do not talk about, that women have sort of a, each woman is different, but they're sort of age which they kind of come online with this, their biology sort of catches up with you.

31:09 Adam 63, that's the average age.

31:11 Adam I'm 45, but I think Jessica has got to be at least 22 or so.

31:15 Adam All right, also you're somebody, let me say this.

31:20 Adam Miho. Miha.

31:21 Adam Miha. Jessica is like a car that is finally tuned.

31:28 Adam It's winding out.

31:31 Adam And you know what, I'm going to go a step further. It's like a race motorcycle. If you've ever ridden a race motorcycle, it's hard to keep the front end on the ground. I mean, the front wheel comes off the ground. It's very, it's scary and difficult to drive. Once you master it, once you get used to it, take a few practice laps, you can get around the track in record time. She has the potential for this, but is having trouble harnessing her horsepower. She, she obviously everything's hooked up. Maybe she was molested?

31:59 Adam No, no. I think maybe it needs some, a more mature hormonal environment kind of thing. The brain and the hormones need to hook all up.

32:06 Adam Ironically, Drew, you could see her through this.

32:08 Adam Ironically enough.

32:09 Adam I mean, a seasoned, passionate man of your age. You'd work this out.

32:14 Adam Every male's, that's what's flashing through their eyes. No problem. Yeah, but this, the reality is probably not.

32:20 Adam The 17 year old guy working on hers, like a retarded monkey with an Etch A Sketch.

32:25 Adam On the, no, retarded monkey on that motorcycle.

32:27 Adam Oh yeah. Yeah, just, it's a disaster. It's a disaster, except that the monkey would kill himself on the motorcycle.

32:36 Adam So she's gotta keep kind of figuring herself out, but relax, don't be a hurt in the sex. Why? Why would you, Jessica? It's not gonna do anything for you.

32:44 Adam And plus, it's, everything is, you know, it's an explanation of like, slow down, if you're hurting me, be careful.

32:50 Adam Yeah, you feel flawed, less than, the guy's working on you like a Rubik's Cube, and look, it's just, it's your biology, it'll catch up, it's meant to come on when it comes on.

33:00 Adam You think Chris knows what a Rubik's Cube is?

33:03 Adam Yeah, he says yes.

33:04 Adam Says yes? You did?

33:07 Caller Yeah, you still have one.

33:09 Adam What happened, he ate it?

33:11 Caller Probably.

33:12 Adam You still got it? Well, you gotta have it, work.

33:15 Adam Chris, your sweet bread.

33:18 Adam Sweet bread?

33:19 Adam Yeah, what is sweet bread?

33:20 Adam What do you mean, what is sweet bread? Oh, yeah, what is sweet bread? Sweet bread, I don't know, okay.

33:26 Adam How about caviar?

33:28 Adam Yeah, that was yesterday.

33:29 Adam What is that? Fish eggs. Sweet bread.

33:34 Adam Let's get along. What is that, stomach? It's his intestine. What is it? It's inside it.

33:41 Adam It's a pancreas. Or the brain.

33:43 Adam What? No, it's not brain.

33:44 Adam A pancreas.

33:46 Adam All right, it's that part you should be tossing out.

33:49 Adam One of the many, yeah.

33:49 Adam Whatever. And it's like, how do we get people to eat this? Let's call it stomach stuff. So how about sweet bread? All right. That'll get just enough people confused enough on the menu. Should be enough stoners to order that. Hey, what do you want? Hey, what about the sweet bread? Huh, count me in. How can you go wrong with sweet bread? Ah, it's just a lining of a stomach. Pancreas. It's delightful. Amy? You're 22? What's the matter? Mm-hmm. Oh, sweet bread flavored. That's it. Talk to the Trojan people about that. I will.

34:30 Adam I will bring that up tomorrow morning. First thing.

34:32 Adam Menudo condoms?

34:36 Adam Yeah, that's gotta be it.

34:37 Adam I'm just thinking of stomach-related, you know, foods. Go ahead, Amy.

34:41 Adam It's gotta be a catchy name for that Menudo condom, too.

34:47 Adam Cinco de Gizzo.

34:48 Adam Magnum Menudo's.

34:50 Adam Go ahead, David.

34:57 Adam After you exposed yourself to the condoms? What do you mean? What do you mean you got sick? Three or four days later, you got sick. So what?

35:08 Caller I don't know if I'm allergic to one or two.

35:10 Adam No, Amy, please. I'm just getting rid of her, because her... She's 22.

35:14 Adam Primitive Miha.

35:15 Adam Primitive Miha, it's like the volcano erupted and I'd walk from right to left across the street. I made it happen. Right.

35:23 Adam Three or four days later, you got... Yeah, you got the flu.

35:27 Adam Right. Oh my goodness.

35:29 Adam Well, go ahead and stop eating condoms anyway. I mean, look, you'd actually consumed it. But she just performed oral sex.

35:36 Adam Even then. It would pass undisturbed. All right.

35:41 Adam Let's take a break. Chris, pop up... Look at that Internet there, Miha. Find... That's your new name. Look up sweet breads.

35:51 Adam I'll do it. I'll go for it.

35:53 Adam Let Chris do it. I gotta talk to you in the bathroom, Mr. Yeah, I want to find out what part of the intestine or pancreas or what gross part of the cow that we should have been tossing away is being consumed in that dish.

36:06 Adam Yeah? It's a lamb or something, isn't it? No, I don't even know.

36:09 Adam I think it's a cow.

36:10 Adam The cow, yeah.

36:11 Adam All right. You got it, Chris? All right, buddy.

36:14 Adam What'd you say? We can't wait. All right, forget it. I'm still loading up.

36:19 Adam All right, buddy. I mean, I was looking for it. All right, buddy. Take a quick break. We'll be right back. Drew over there, looking up sweet bread. Trying to figure out what sickening part of a cow's stomach is involved with that culinary disaster. I'll have it. Drew'll have it. Engineer Chris found recipes for sweetened bread. That's all right, buddy. I would have found evidence, same thing, I didn't know it was one word. First hit. He's navigating his way through the internet. Jay Moore, the very funny Jay Moore, will be in here on Thursday. Andy Richter coming in maybe next week. I'll record it. Steve Ho and Chris Pontius are going to be in here also next week. Newfound glory the week after that. Look out, everybody. I'm going back to the phones. What do you say? I don't need you. Do your work over there. Hey, Shannon.

37:34 Caller Yeah.

37:35 Adam You're 20?

37:36 Caller Yeah. How are you doing?

37:37 Adam What's up?

37:38 Caller Well, okay. I have a question. I'm really paranoid. I was wondering if it was because I've been told I have brain damage. I had a lot of concussions probably between the ages of 15 and 17. Oh, probably about six.

38:02 Adam And what from? Oral sex? I guess sometimes guys get rough.

38:08 Adam What's that?

38:09 Adam I played hockey.

38:10 Caller And I got in some really bad car accidents. And my psychiatrist actually gave me the test and they said that they think that's why I got so depressed.

38:18 Adam Want me to talk to her?

38:19 Adam No. I'm cool. You got some of the concussions playing hockey and some of the concussions in car accidents.

38:27 Caller I had two really bad car accidents.

38:30 Adam Oh really? What happened?

38:32 Caller Well, the one, my friend was driving and she stopped at a red light and Oh, you can't drive with women. And she just stopped like it was a stop sign and kept going. And I just like, I remember going, what are you doing? And then that's all.

38:49 Adam And you got a concussion on that one.

38:51 Caller Yeah, well I broke the windshield and my side window with my forehead.

38:56 Adam Were you wearing a seatbelt?

38:58 Caller No, but I learned pretty quick after that to start wearing it.

39:03 Adam So anyway, you've been concussed many times and now you go to a psychiatrist. And what do they do in the test to figure out whether that's a problem or not?

39:13 Adam Well, whether or not there's been brain damage from the concussions?

39:16 Adam Or you're suffering from a syndrome that is based on it.

39:19 Adam There's neuro-psychiatric testing, very complex.

39:24 Adam I'm guessing that wasn't the one she got. I'm guessing she got the one that says, she's sometimes getting patient in the lines. Yeah, all right. I see. What was the test? And Drew, did you find out what sweetbreads?

39:36 Adam Yeah, it's the thymus or pancreas of a young animal, especially lamb or calf.

39:42 Adam Or calf. So it could be cow. It could be lamb, especially lamb or calf.

39:47 Adam But young animal, thymus or pancreas?

39:49 Adam What's a thymus?

39:51 Adam It's a gland from part of your chest here.

39:53 Adam So it's in pancreas.

39:55 Adam Where your T cells come from. Why I think it's something that's a T cell is it comes from a thymus cell.

39:59 Adam Oh, because it starts with a T. Coincidence. And then the pancreas, how much different is that? What's the difference between your pancreas and the rest of your stuff?

40:09 Adam Chris's dad just calling it.

40:11 Adam Oh, oh.

40:12 Adam Oh, to bust your chops, dude.

40:13 Adam Okay. All right. Hold on a second. What?

40:18 Adam Is your dad named Carlos? Oh.

40:20 Adam I'm not going to talk to him. Hold on a second, Drew. Where's the pancreas?

40:25 Adam Right here.

40:25 Adam What are you? Is that in your stomach?

40:27 Adam Below it, yeah.

40:28 Adam Behind it. What's it do?

40:30 Adam Creates insulin and glucagon and all the, it's all the enzymes that digest your stuff, your food.

40:35 Adam Oh, yeah. Does your food go into it or is it pumped stuff?

40:37 Adam It's outside of pumped stuff into the small intestine.

40:39 Adam Oh, so it's...

40:40 Adam It gives you adenum.

40:42 Adam It's like a little acid tank that pumps stuff into the hopper.

40:46 Adam It has endocrine and exocrine function. Pumps stuff into your bloodstream, insulin, this kind of thing, and it pumps stuff into the... outside your body into the small intestine.

40:55 Adam All right. Anyway. There you go. So what was your question? And now she's a paranoid and she took a test and wants to know... and her psychiatrist said she was a candidate for this medication, I guess.

41:13 Adam What medicine?

41:14 Caller Oh, no. Not that. I was just wondering, well, my psychiatrist told me that that's the reason why I got so depressed.

41:21 Adam Because the head injuries?

41:23 Caller Yeah.

41:23 Adam What tests did you take?

41:25 Caller Well, there were a lot of series of like MRIs and stuff like that.

41:29 Adam So it wasn't a written test.

41:31 Adam Oh, no.

41:31 Caller I had those too and they would give me like memory matching and I guess I did really good.

41:37 Adam So now what?

41:40 Caller Yeah. Well, I'm just really under like a tremendous amount of stress too, but I am so paranoid. Like I think people are following me home and I think like people are watching me through the windows and like...

41:51 Adam Do you do any speed or anything like that?

41:52 Caller No.

41:53 Adam Okay. And were you paranoid before the head injuries?

41:56 Caller Not really.

41:57 Adam What's your question?

41:58 Caller What like how do I... Is that because of my like injuries?

42:01 Adam And paranoia is something that it's a biological state and it can be treated quite effectively.

42:06 Caller Like what would I have to do because it's like controlling my life?

42:09 Adam Medications. It's very simple.

42:10 Adam How come deboxers don't seem to have that paranoia? You know, people, you know, they must do this, they slow down, they become a little sort of hazy, but they're not... They're almost the opposite of paranoid.

42:21 Adam From these punch drunk, from too much Shannon?

42:24 Adam Yeah, just many, many blows to the head, trauma. It doesn't... I don't...

42:28 Adam I'm not an expert in it. I suspect Shannon is more complex than just her head injuries.

42:32 Adam That's what I'm thinking because people seem to get depressed and they get dulled and stuff, but you don't hear about the paranoia. No. Okay. All right, but there's medication. Take care of it. Engineer Chris's dad is on the line. Carlos?

42:46 Drew Yeah, how do you do?

42:47 Adam How do you do? You're the father of this fine engineer we have over here?

42:53 Drew I am, and I'm so proud of him.

42:55 Adam Yeah. Oh, thanks, dad. He's a great kid. And I say kid, but I'm really talking about a 27-year-old. I call him kid because he's going home to your house tonight. Eat your food and use your electricity.

43:07 Drew Well, he lives with his mother.

43:10 Adam Oh, I see. His brother. I see. Yeah. Now, here's the thing I find ironic about. Now, it's ironic that Carlos is calling in during Cinco de Mayo because you're a Hispanic gentleman. Yes, Carlos? I am. Yes. The boys get to live at home well into their 30s, but the ladies are pregnant by 14. It doesn't make sense. You know what I'm saying? It should be one or the other. Like if the girls are going to be pregnant at 15, the guy should be out of the house at 17. Yeah. They cut the guys too much slack.

43:48 Drew Their mother needs them.

43:49 Adam Oh, really?

43:50 Drew Yeah.

43:51 Adam Yeah.

43:51 Adam She needs them to move out and quit eating so much. Their mother is very proud of them.

43:57 Adam I met the whole family today.

43:59 Drew One day.

43:59 Adam You met the dad.

44:01 Adam I met your other son.

44:04 Drew I heard you busted him for not getting free coffee.

44:07 Adam I had to bust him, really.

44:08 Adam Well, Drew.

44:10 Adam I was very unassuming and polite.

44:12 Adam Let me explain something. Today may be Cinco de Mayo, a day for the Latinos to celebrate, but Drew is half Jew and every day is Jew Day for him. He wants something free every goddamn day. And he's angry when he can't. He thinks he's kidding around, but he's not. He really wants something free every day.

44:28 Drew I don't get a free cup of coffee when I get in there.

44:31 Adam See? See how that works?

44:32 Drew Yeah.

44:33 Adam You should kick him out of your old house. Now, what's the deal? You guys got divorced and you're off on your own?

44:41 Caller Sort of. I've got a dog.

44:43 Adam You got a dog? Are you living in an apartment? No. I have my own home. Oh, okay.

44:48 Adam In Monrovia?

44:49 Drew Yes.

44:50 Adam I do. And what business are you in? Law enforcement.

44:54 Drew I work for one of the police departments here in the city.

44:57 Adam Uh-oh. Now, are you a cop?

45:00 Adam I am.

45:02 Adam You are?

45:02 Adam In Monrovia?

45:03 Drew No. Not in Monrovia.

45:04 Adam Too bad, because Drew is hoping to get pulled over.

45:07 Adam I go up there all the time. My kids go to the slot car shop there. We eat at Cafe de l'Opéra.

45:14 Adam What's your beat, Carlos? Where can we speed?

45:17 All of it in Los Angeles.

45:19 Adam Oh, my goodness.

45:20 Adam All right. And you drive a cruiser? You're out on the street? Oh, no.

45:25 Drew I'm a lieutenant in the office.

45:27 Adam Oh, okay.

45:27 Adam Chris will get us his card.

45:29 Adam Yeah. We need his card. As a matter of fact, I want his tin.

45:33 Drew Great.

45:33 Adam You got an extra badge? Because I want to actually flash a tin if I get pulled over next time.

45:41 Drew Any tin won't do.

45:43 Adam Oh, really?

45:44 Drew Yeah. You got to work that.

45:45 Caller That's my son.

45:46 Adam Oh, really? Oh, you've tried to...

45:49 Caller They've gotten tickets.

45:52 Adam You've tried to play that, my dad's officer, Perez card many times.

45:56 Caller Yeah, it doesn't help.

45:57 Adam Doesn't work. It doesn't work. All right, buddy. We got to take a break. Thanks for calling in. Okay, great. I treat him... I treat him as... He's like my son. Yeah. Empty the garbage. Yeah, I got blessed. We'll take a quick break, and we'll be right back. A man named Dr. Drew over there. Phone number 1-800-L-A-Z-1-9-1. Yeah. Well, Engineer Chris' dad phoned in.

46:28 Adam How did he get through? Did you find out?

46:31 Adam Yeah.

46:31 Adam He called the main line.

46:32 Adam He did. He got in. He's a bad MF'er. He's a cop. He's got his own... He doesn't play by the book.

46:42 Adam Own rules.

46:43 Adam He plays by his own rules. And it's a pain, you know, for Chris because he plays by his own rules, you know, out on the street with the perps and everything. But even when they're at home just playing Chinese checkers or Stratego, he'll just go what he'll do. Like if you try to play cards with Chris's dad, he'll just walk around the table, look at your hand, and then walk back down and sit down.

47:03 Adam Those are his rules.

47:04 Adam That's how he plays. He plays by his own rules. His rules.

47:07 Adam Doesn't matter what your rules are. Doesn't matter what anybody else's rules are. They're his rules.

47:10 Adam I've been bowling with the man before. He gives himself a strike even if he doesn't pick up the spare. You know, he...

47:15 Adam Even if he doesn't pick up the ball.

47:17 Adam He leaves six, seven pins standing. Just get nice acts. He bowled nine perfect games. He plays by his own rules. He doesn't even go bowling. He just declares himself the winner.

47:30 Adam Well, on some days.

47:31 Adam He plays by his own rules. That's all right. And Chris plays by his mom's rules. All right, buddy. You got to get out of that house now. You can't... How are you going to cruise checks from your mom's house? Dude, you can give me...

47:44 I don't have money.

47:45 Adam You need money? I'll give you some money. How much you need?

47:51 Adam I don't know.

47:51 Adam Okay. I need a house boy.

47:57 Adam All right. Chris.

47:59 Adam Because summer's coming up. It's hot. We need like refills of my Arnie Palmer's and stuff like that.

48:05 Adam You know, no telemo might require you to do...

48:08 Adam Well...

48:08 Adam Some weird stuff goes down in his house.

48:10 Adam Yeah. And of course, we signed a confidentiality agreement, too, because I don't need this hitting the tabloids. Mary? You're 21? What's up?

48:20 Caller Well, I've heard you guys talk about a lot about how girls generally don't have orgasms until they're older.

48:27 Adam Except... except we've also said that there's about 10% that have multiple orgasms and have orgasms terribly easily. And with every... you know, constantly, and they start at 12 and blah, blah, blah. We talk about the fact that there's this tremendous range in women's response.

48:42 Caller Well, my problem is, I'm trying to graduate from college and so I've been stressed for probably the past, like, nine months with absolutely no time to have sex with my boyfriend. And so whenever I do my...

48:56 Adam Yeah.

48:58 Caller It's five minutes.

49:00 Adam Shut up. Do you guys... I like when people just sort of steamroll conversationally. Do you guys go to the same college?

49:09 Caller Yeah.

49:10 Adam This phone system. And here's the comedy. Everyone else can hear the answer, but us.

49:14 Adam I know. We can't hear it.

49:16 Adam Yes.

49:17 Adam Same college.

49:18 Adam You go to the same college. Or it's the... Haven't had time to have sex because you've been... Oh, let me just say this. Hold on a second. Now I'm fired up because I didn't get to go to college and I'm bitter about it. But look, everyone does that. Oh, it's stressful. You know, we're coming up to finals. Okay, maybe finals. The rest of the time, that is a vacation compared to the rest of the time. Okay, maybe finals. Let's see what life in the real world is. And shut up, Drew. You got time to have sex with your boyfriend in college. I don't care what's going on, especially the last year. It's not like if you told me, okay, the last three weeks, you got a thesis paper due or something. It's one thing. Nine months. You can handle it. You guys can find a little time, especially if you're living in the same place. Yes? Yes, yes. A good student, number one, but a close second man of exquisite passion, yes? Yes. Who found time for his passion. Okay, sorry, Mary. Yeah, he'd like to improve it, too. He'd like to get you down about two minutes. Get back to the Tivo. Wow. All right. That's it. We could set a look from him for.

50:41 Caller Because I guess he wants to keep going. I don't know what to do.

50:45 Adam And you can't go anymore after that.

50:47 Adam Why don't you get him more further along before you have the recourse?

50:51 Adam Yeah, catch him up. Give him a little head start, so to speak. Head start. Yeah, give him a little oral sex. How about that?

50:59 Caller I have a jaw problem. I can't do that.

51:04 Adam Well, how's your ear?

51:07 Caller What?

51:07 Adam She has friends.

51:10 Adam Yeah. You mean like her hand? You have a jaw problem?

51:14 Caller No, I can only open my jaw half an inch.

51:24 Adam Really? Only half an inch? No, it doesn't. Shouldn't you get this treated, by the way, and what's up?

51:35 Caller I am definitely in the process of getting it treated. It's just a long process, including like surgery, embraces and everything, so.

51:42 Adam Wow. Wow, that's horrible.

51:45 Caller Yeah.

51:46 Adam I am. Well, you got to get your... You know what, guys? I'll tell you something. Something guys will go for. What? Not me, personally, FYI, ladies, but other guys, like I hope Chris's dad isn't listening, but off the air candidly told me he's a huge fan of this, which a handful of lube and a little work in the right way. Most guys, many guys, a lot of guys settle for that, and here's the thing, too, ladies. That's an interesting point. I haven't gotten into this in a while, but a lot of you gals think, well, you got to do the oral thing, and maybe you're not so into the oral thing, and you're not into the mess and the whole thing, and fine. The light's your man with a handful of lubriderm and a vigorous going over.

52:32 Adam Not too vigorous.

52:34 Adam Not too, but once you get the lube in there, you can actually turn up the RPM just a little bit. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, I think guys, again, they're fine with that. Not the Ace Man's cup of tea.

52:44 Adam No, we guys are fine with that.

52:45 Adam But I've done a little checking around.

52:46 Adam Well, that will certainly, for this purposes of what they're trying to achieve with this situation, and this again, Mary represents an intermediate zone. There's that zone of women that actually have orgasm with intercourse and or sometimes oral sex and it's a single orgasm. It's not the multiple orgasm. She represents about 20, maybe 30 percent of women.

53:03 Adam Yeah. Most guys, I mean, they don't want you to shut down, but I think most guys would like the idea of being able to chop that tree down in five minutes.

53:15 Adam Reliable. It's like a guy.

53:18 Adam Yeah.

53:19 Adam They can understand that. You know what I mean? That it makes sense to them.

53:22 Adam There's nothing worse than minute number 23 of you performing a little aural. The chick's been close for 19 and a half minutes.

53:31 Adam Thumper.

53:32 Adam It's really, it's like, you ever get on a treadmill and you're just running your ass off and you look down and you've been there for three minutes or 22 seconds, you're like, oh, Christ, what is this going to add? When is this going to add? And someone says, well, we should be going about 30 minutes and you're thinking, I really, I can't, I'm not even at five. I feel like I'm going to collapse. Okay. That's good times.

53:55 Adam Cat. Flipping, gone.

54:00 Adam Oh, been on hold for 93 minutes. Cat. Cat from Wisconsin, 17 years old. Gay guy friend keeps touching her suggestively. Let me tell you something, I'm hip, and I'm hip to you gay guys about it with this too. I've learned. I've seen this time and time again. Gay guys can get away with stuff with chicks that no straight guy could ever get away with. And they do it in a playful way and they do it in a fun way. And I'm not so sure that the chicks like it, but they always go along with it because they seem really uptight if they don't.

54:37 Adam You're suggesting that if a guy, a guy should pretend he's gay in high school. Yeah. Yeah. That would be your strategy now, I'm sure.

54:45 Adam I, I am telling you, I noticed it when I did this ABC show, I had a couple of gay guys over there judging and stuff like that. Gay guy can walk right up to a woman and, and, and touch her bosom and go like, oh, look at the cleavage on this one or honey, you're, you're stacked. Gay guys can do whatever they want to chicks. It's awesome. It's an awesome gay power. No, we, and they dig torturing straight guys with it. You didn't know about this. Let me tell you something. Well, over, over at the man show, we, we had a gay costumer and he would grab the juggies. Yeah, look at these. I bet you guys wish you could grab some of these and he'd come up behind the girls. Well, first off, he would be handling them anyway. You just have to be putting the costumes on and doing you, you get to see him naked. You, when you're gay, you're like a gynecologist with a meata. That's what you are. You get to do what you want to, to straight, to hot. These models and everything, they're buck naked in front of these guys all the time. Please, honey. Oh, please. Nothing I haven't seen before. They're just shedding their clothes. They like to screw around with them a little, to grab a little bosom and stuff. They'll taunt the straight guy with it. It's ironically the gay guy gets a handful of model boo, but you get nothing. And they can make suggestive things. First off, gay guys get away with murder with straight chicks. They really do. It's like, oh, sweet girl, girlfriend, can I tell you? Can I tell you who? Believe me, I'm better at oral than you are. You know, they just do that thing and the chicks will be perceived as totally uptight in like sort of Squaresville if they object to this. Like, oh, no, please, I'm uncomfortable with this. Please don't touch my breast. You know, that's weird. Now, straight guy does this. Forget about it. They call him the SWAT team. Chris' dad come rappelling down a road.

56:30 Adam Yeah, absolutely.

56:34 Adam All right, so gay guys get away. They get to grab stuff. They do stuff. And I think they show off in front of straight guys. You never seen that, Drew?

56:42 Adam Really?

56:42 Caller I don't know what I'm talking about.

56:44 Adam I appreciate what you're talking about. Yeah, I've never seen it.

56:47 Adam Oh, really?

56:49 Adam It would be very disturbing. It would be very disturbing.

56:52 Adam It's tough when you know they're getting naked and stuff in front of them and you're like, oh, what a waste. Look at, cut that guy's eyes out and shove him into my head.

57:03 Adam Really?

57:03 Adam Yeah, and not where my eyes were, somewhere else, because I want to keep mine. You know what I mean?

57:10 Adam How about your hands? Cut his hands off and put them on your ears?

57:14 Adam I'm going to need mine for working with wood and scratching and stuff. I don't try, I don't want no gay hands. I can't finish my house. See what I'm saying?

57:22 Adam Right.

57:24 Adam And that's the other thing, too, the gym. Let's just straighten this out, too. The reason that gays are in such an immaculate shape, they're at the gym nine hours a day, they get to look at nude guys. Nude dudes. Please, stop pretending like you don't like it. Oh, please, don't flatter yourself. We don't really do that, really? They got a whole stack of honcho magazines underneath their butt. Filled with nude dudes. It looked like they'd been to the gym. You don't want to go just see a handful of them in real life? Just stop pretending. That's all I'm saying. You know, a gay guy may be gay, but he's a guy first. You see what I'm saying, Drew?

58:04 Adam Oh, yeah. I know that about guys.

58:06 Adam As a man of passion, you can understand this. Explain this. Yeah, you got magazines filled with beautiful bucks of nubile naked women. But yeah, that gym you go to four hours a day where you do the communal shower with all the naked women? Please don't flatter yourself. And not looking. Not interested. Just got the magazine with them in it, huh? No one's doing that math? Look, I don't mind the gays checking you out when you're in the shower at the gym. Just admit you're doing it. Get on a better footing. I hear you. Please don't flatter yourself.

58:43 Adam Emily, 21.

58:45 Drew Four or five hours a day at the gym.

58:46 Adam What's up?

58:47 Adam Drew, may we still go to the gym over there?

58:50 Adam Yep.

58:50 Adam All look like Schwarzenegger and his pride.

58:52 Adam Yeah.

58:53 Adam That's true.

58:54 Drew Yeah, sure.

58:55 Adam Drew, one last second.

58:56 Drew One last second.

58:56 Adam What would you look like if you got to go to the West LA. Bally's and go hang out in the women's locker room?

59:01 Adam What would I look like?

59:02 Adam Well, I mean, how many hours would you be at that gym every day? Two, three hours? You'd be pretty ripped. Hey, it's shower time. I'm going to grab a sauna, a schvitz, a shower, then I'll pump iron for another four hours in the back and take another shower.

59:20 Adam You know what? It's a little frustrating.

59:24 Caller Oh yeah, that's right.

59:25 Adam Drew is a man of passion, everybody.

59:28 Adam That's right.

59:29 Adam You can't tell him to look without touching. That's right. See, me, I just take that home with me. I take them boobies to go.

59:39 Adam Drew is a passion man. In your brain, in your mind.

59:41 Adam Yeah, Drew, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You got it, you got it. You got it. You eat at the restaurant. You ain't into takeout. When you smell that heat on the ground.

59:50 Adam You don't even take anything out. You take out the memory of the scent.

59:53 Adam I'm taking the take home with me. I'm taking the take home menu and I just look at the picture and pull out the plate and feed off it. Alright.

59:59 Adam What kind of life is that?

1:00:01 Adam It's a jammed clean one. How dare you attack my life and my lifestyle? Emily? 21. What's up?

1:00:13 I want to know if it's normal to have a low sex drive.

1:00:21 Adam Are you depressed?

1:00:23 No.

1:00:23 Adam Are you on medication?

1:00:25 Yes. I'm on medication, but I was never told if it would interfere or not.

1:00:30 Adam What medication? Lisbeth doesn't typically do that, but it can.

1:00:35 Adam Is that what Fred Sanford called his dead wife?

1:00:38 Adam It makes me laugh. That Elizabeth, yes.

1:00:41 Lisbeth!

1:00:42 Adam I think that may have more to do with the fact that perhaps you were kind of high before, maybe a little hypomanic, and maybe your sex drive was way up because of being a little manicky, and now it's kind of brought back down again by the Elizabeth.

1:00:54 So it's normal for me to not really want to have sex that much.

1:00:58 Adam What's the deal? You got a boyfriend?

1:01:00 Yeah, I have a boyfriend.

1:01:01 Adam You love him?

1:01:03 Yes.

1:01:03 Adam Were you way up high before or were you wanting to constantly?

1:01:08 Well, with him, I was pretty normal, like maybe wanting it around like four times a week.

1:01:14 Adam So if you were dropped down to once a week, twice a week, that would not be abnormal, no?

1:01:18 What?

1:01:18 Adam What are you at now?

1:01:20 Two to three times a week or no, two to three weeks in between.

1:01:26 Adam And so with this guy, how long have you been with this guy?

1:01:31 A year and a half.

1:01:32 Adam You love?

1:01:33 Yes.

1:01:34 Adam Okay. You plan on staying with him? You're going to stay with him? Okay. And any abuse or anything like that we need to know about? Nope. Okay.

1:01:47 Adam You may be perhaps going off the other side and getting a little depressed from the middle of the bed. But talk to your doctor about it. I mean, there's ways to adjust these things.

1:01:54 Adam Starting to soul off, had one testicle removed as a baby. Joe?

1:02:00 Drew Yeah?

1:02:01 Adam Had a testicle removed as a baby?

1:02:03 Drew Yeah. When I was 18 months.

1:02:06 Adam Couldn't it just on that hand print in plaster they had to actually keep a testicle?

1:02:13 Drew Well, you see what happened is when it was coming down out of the kidneys, it didn't fully descend down to the scrotum, so it just kind of shriveled and stayed up.

1:02:24 Adam Your testes don't come from the kidneys. They come in the vicinity of the kidney and make their way down from the abdominal area into the scrotum. And when they don't, they're called the non-descended testes. And the reason they're removed is they can turn into cancer very easily.

1:02:40 Adam Can't they coax them down?

1:02:42 Adam Yeah, they can pull them down sometimes.

1:02:44 Adam Why didn't they?

1:02:45 Drew I don't know. I wish they would have. I kind of miss it. It's the left one, so...

1:02:51 Adam Well, it doesn't mean anything.

1:02:53 Drew But my question was...

1:02:54 Adam They say the left one controls the right side of the penis, so...

1:02:58 Drew I don't know. But my question was...

1:03:00 Adam Imagine how deep his voice would be by the way if he had both of them.

1:03:04 Adam No, it actually is the same amount of testosterone. It doesn't make any difference.

1:03:08 Adam Alright, you're fine. Does it look weird?

1:03:10 Drew No, it doesn't look weird. I was just wondering if... You know, I can still have kids and everything, and... Is it still, you know, does it compensate? I never really knew.

1:03:18 Adam How many times do I have to say it doesn't make any difference?

1:03:21 Adam You're fine. You know, man is built with a certain amount of redundancy. Like a jet aircraft that can fly off one engine.

1:03:28 Adam It's possible that both could be non-descended in the process of bringing them down. If one gets removed and it doesn't respond, or in his case it sounds like things are fine.

1:03:35 Adam It probably wouldn't have got rid of it if you couldn't have kids. You know what I'm saying?

1:03:43 Adam Yeah, right.

1:03:44 Adam If you needed both to work, they'd go through pretty extreme measures.

1:03:47 Adam Exactly.

1:03:47 Adam And probably otherwise risking malpractice suits. Right. Is that Okere?

1:03:55 Adam Looks like it. Okere.

1:03:57 Adam Okere. Let's try this. Okere? Okere, yeah.

1:04:04 Adam That's the one emphasis we didn't give her, the Okere.

1:04:08 Adam No, I gave it there. I gave the last one. Wait a minute. I was right.

1:04:13 Adam You said Okere. You were right.

1:04:14 Adam Well, how do you say it? Okere. Say it. No, she said it the same way I said it. I said Okere. Yep, yep.

1:04:24 Adam That's how you said it.

1:04:25 Adam I didn't want to quiet down and listen to me. What's up? There, loud mouth. Hello?

1:04:32 Adam Yeah, what's going on?

1:04:36 Thanks. Well, ok. And he's 21. And we were kind of, we were friends at the beginning.

1:04:47 Adam Hold on a second. Just because all we have left for during the show is to try to settle arguments and amuse ourselves about things like sweet brands. The guy's name is Fen.

1:04:58 Caller Fed.

1:05:00 Adam Fed.

1:05:01 Caller Fed.

1:05:01 Yeah. F-E-D.

1:05:03 Adam Oh, boy.

1:05:04 Adam You don't think that might make us pause?

1:05:06 Adam Well, it's alright. You guys make a dynamite confusing couple. Alright.

1:05:12 So, Fed.

1:05:14 Adam Go ahead.

1:05:16 Well, ok. We were friends at the beginning and we started to like each other. So, we went out. And then during the beginning, he would occasionally bring me gifts and surprise me at work. And I would do the same. But then towards the middle, he started slacking off. Because I guess once we started having sex, he thought it would be alright not to do anything.

1:05:38 Caller Yeah.

1:05:40 And then after that, I didn't like the way he was treating me either because everybody else saw that it seemed like he had me by the balls and I didn't see it. Until I started noticing how he would talk to me and then I ended it. So then he didn't get mad. He was just like, okay, whatever. And then after that, we still hung out. So it wasn't awkward at all. And then we started kind of, you know, like touchy feeling without saying that we were going out. And then now we turned into f*****s.

1:06:11 Adam What is the matter with this girl?

1:06:16 Adam I'm not sure where she went to finishing school. I'm going to go Milan. I know Drew.

1:06:22 Adam Switzerland.

1:06:23 Adam Drew is thinking Geneva. There's something there. Her dialect doesn't sound it. Obviously, she could have, it could have been Geneva area. Let me, let me just. Okairi. Okairi, I'm going to go to the school of the bet, Geneva or Milan. Where did you go to finish in school, sweet pea?

1:06:44 I didn't go to neither.

1:06:47 Adam Oh, man. Listen screwball, you can't use the F word on the radio. Do you understand?

1:06:54 Adam Shocking, huh? That's a shocking rule, isn't it?

1:06:56 Adam Are you going to junior college yet? You are. Fantastic. Have fun. As a matter of fact, here's what I'd like you to do. I'd like you to pick out a plot of land where they can bury you there. By the way, everyone who goes to junior college, you should start scouting out for plots. Because that's where they'll put you in the ground right there. You'll be there for 45 years. They die earlier because they chain smoke over by the Snack Shack. And they're just like, my mom's going to be buried at Valley College. They're going to dedicate the auditorium to her. They're going to say, here she stood, row 28, 750 from the left. This is, and did this, every 10 minutes.

1:07:40 Adam And it'll say good times.

1:07:41 Adam And it'll say good times. Look, I'm mad at her for using the F word.

1:07:45 Adam So can we get rid of this guy? He's treating you bad. What the hell? If something's wrong with you, though, you would pick an abusive guy. So think about that.

1:07:52 Adam And get out of that junior college.

1:07:54 Adam No.

1:07:55 Adam Get out of that bunker known as that sand trap.

1:08:01 Adam Yeah.

1:08:02 Adam All right. Let's stop wasting my tax dollars in your time at this junior college, everybody, please. Let's go. Let's go. Let's get busy now. You're not students. Break it down. You understand? You're not good students. The reason you're going there is because you're crappy students. Stop taking me. Now, listen, Hellman is not a chair. Now break it down now. Now get out. Now get a job. Now get a vocation, everybody. Get some vocational training and hit the road and start paying some damn taxes. Let's go now. Start being realistic. All right? Yeah. All right. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. Hey, everybody. What is happening? I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Drew cruising the Internet, not listening to the spirited conversation the engineer Chris and myself are having.

1:08:52 Adam Yeah, it was pretty. It was riveting, talking about Chris becoming your houseboy, your ward.

1:08:57 Adam Yeah, I take care of you.

1:08:59 Adam I can see you too, like Batman or Robin.

1:09:02 Drew He's following me around.

1:09:04 Adam I'm wearing my housecoat and slippers. I've taken to smoking a pipe now. He's following me around, and I'm saying things like, Take a note! Take a note! He's got a scratch pad. He's writing stuff down.

1:09:16 Adam I was just thinking about how your wife's going to like all that.

1:09:19 Adam He loves a good boy. He's like a young me.

1:09:25 Adam She's a long lot.

1:09:26 Adam Kristen? Yes? You're 19? Yes. You have to turn your radio down, please. It's Adam? Yes.

1:09:38 Caller I was just calling because every time a girl sounds even remotely stupid or she says the wrong thing, you ask her if she's in junior college.

1:09:49 And that's so terrible because I go to junior college.

1:09:52 And we're not all stupid.

1:09:55 Adam Hold on, hold on.

1:09:56 Adam Quiet down.

1:09:58 Adam Hold on one second. First off, you said every time a girl does this, that's probably more guys than girls.

1:10:05 Caller You think so? Every girl's like, hey, are you in junior college?

1:10:13 Adam Well, you may be, because that's sort of your issue, and so you hear it more readily.

1:10:17 Adam This is a very interesting point, which is when people...

1:10:20 Adam People listen to the radio...

1:10:21 Adam .put her on hold, because her line is so fucked up. But people hear things, have a certain amount of momentum with it. This is where all the A-hole letter writers of the world come in, and this is why they need to be ignored. She hears me making fun of girls almost exclusively for going to junior college. When it's 65-35 guys, maybe 60-40. Mainly guys, actually. More so. Lion's share of it is guys. And I'm not saying that to defend myself. It doesn't really matter. It's just the way it is. The last one happened to be a gal, but it's mostly guys. Kristen? Boy, you got a junior college phone there, too.

1:11:05 Caller I'm sorry. I love you guys.

1:11:09 I think you're so great.

1:11:10 Adam Thanks, baby.

1:11:11 Caller It would be so cool if you could give us a little bit of credit every once in a while.

1:11:15 Adam Well, now, wait a minute. He does give credit on certain fronts. One is, A, do you go to nursing school?

1:11:20 Caller No, no.

1:11:22 Adam Here's what you... Okay, let me... I'll give you my junior college exceptions. Here they go. Here they are. Nursing school. Something's very specific. You're not there for general education. You're there to get whatever that degree you need to get your nursing certificate. RN. That's your degree. You get an RN degree? Or you become an RN?

1:11:45 Adam You get an RN.

1:11:45 Adam They call it an RN degree?

1:11:46 Adam There's a BS RN. There's a bachelor's degree in nursing, but that's an RN.

1:11:49 Adam So you go in there specifically going for something. Number two, crazy nationalities moved in this country. You were like a doctor wherever you were. You came here. You got to get your... You got to bone up for the boards. Fine. There's that... Almost any nationality I'll take. I'll take almost any... Anyone who comes to this country has got to get their bearings straight.

1:12:15 Adam You have to be new to the country. We accept nationality.

1:12:18 Adam No. Be nice to be new to the country.

1:12:20 Adam How many months are you...

1:12:21 Adam You're third generation Korean. You got no excuse. You got to come here. Your parents will kill themselves too. If you're third, you go to junior college. So, crazy nationalities who come here from other countries. Fine. Nursing school students. And then what I like to call... Uh-oh. Then you got your athletes. This is just your stupid guy who couldn't make the grades, but he's a phenomenal basketball player or football player who's looking to transfer. That's fine. And then what I like to call your hard luck cases. This is the guy whose dad had pancreatic cancer his senior year of high school and had it drop out to basically go home and take care of the guy. He's caught up and pushed back. His dream got delayed because of... He got no skiing accident, motorcycle accident, something happened, tragedy. He'll be back on track in another ten months. The rest of you, you're just crappy students. And now you're like taffy. You're stretching this dream out so you can live at home for another five years. And then you got your extreme cases. You got my buddy John who's now 40 and still going over to LA Junior College. You got people like my mom who was going there until she was in her 50s. This becomes a way for society not to bother you. Here's the thing. If you're a 40-year-old guy and you've chosen not to work, society comes down on you. What are you doing? Chilling, hanging out. Hey, buddy, what's up? What, are you a loser? Why don't you get your ass together? But you can go to college. I'm going to college. Oh, okay, that's great. Yeah, I'm doing some studying. You're trying to further your education. That's fantastic. It's a way to get society off your back. I'm saying society should, unless you meet the criteria. If you show me a combination, you show me a Nigerian guy who's a star in the track team and trying to get his nursing certificate and transfer to UCLA on a track scholarship. That kid's cool. And his dad died in a civil war. Nigerian civil war.

1:14:36 Caller Uh-huh.

1:14:37 Adam You're 23?

1:14:38 Caller You what?

1:14:39 Adam You're 23?

1:14:41 Caller Yes.

1:14:41 Adam What's up?

1:14:43 Caller Um, so I've been on birth control for 12 years.

1:14:46 Adam Mm-hmm.

1:14:47 Caller And I'm just wondering, just last year I've had more problems with it than anything else, and I'm wondering if it's becoming ineffective or...

1:14:55 Adam What do you mean there's a problem?

1:14:57 Caller Well, like, I would say the last year I've had problems like just bleeding like nonstop. Um, it just, I, past three weeks has been the worst. I have a different partner and I've been tested for everything, but, and I've been on, like, the same pill, like I said, for 12 years, and I'm just wondering if it's wearing off, if I should try to...

1:15:17 Adam No, the bleeding has nothing to do with its effectiveness. Nothing.

1:15:21 Adam Same pill since you were 11?

1:15:23 Caller Yeah.

1:15:24 Adam Why do you go on when you're 11?

1:15:26 Caller I was having problems, I'd bleed for, like, six months at a time.

1:15:29 Adam Okay, so you've got irregular periods, you already have that kind of thing. So you're prone to this, so it's not about the pill, it's about you.

1:15:36 Caller Well, then I'm worried because I've been on it and they changed it from ortho-cycline to ortho-tricycline and then just recently...

1:15:43 Adam Wait a minute, you haven't been on the same pill, it's a completely different pill.

1:15:46 Caller Well, I mean, it switched when I was in college, which was about four or five years ago. And so I've been on ortho-tricycline. And it hasn't changed anything yet.

1:15:55 Adam You've been on the same pill the whole time except for half the time, or two-thirds of the time you run another pill.

1:16:03 Caller I just figured they were kind of similar. Well, now my doctor is trying to put me back on ortho-cycline again. And I'm wondering, well, why would... I mean, I thought that...

1:16:10 Adam You'll stop bleeding when... No, he'll still stop bleeding. Stephanie, oh boy. Junior college?

1:16:17 Adam Oh, Drew, come on, you know I don't go there. Stephanie? Huh? Junior college?

1:16:23 Caller No, I went to a university and got a bachelor's degree.

1:16:27 Adam Wow. Junior college?

1:16:28 Adam You gotta get your money back. Where did you go, in Arizona?

1:16:31 Caller No, I went to New Mexico State. It's in Las Cruces, Mexico.

1:16:36 Adam Wow, what did you get your degree in?

1:16:40 Caller Hotel, restaurant, tourism, management.

1:16:43 Adam Oh. Are those the Lobos or something?

1:16:46 Drew They're the Aggies.

1:16:48 Adam The Aggies. Who are the Lobos? Oh, I see.

1:16:57 Adam Look, the single, the monophasic pill, the orthocyclin will probably stabilize things. Yes, you need to get on a different dose of estrogen progesterone. You need to try some different things. The bleeding can have different meanings. Hopefully, they're evaluating you for other things like thyroid conditions and whatnot. To be sure, it's not something else going on, but usually just a matter of finding a different dose pill. And if you were stable before on the single dose, the monophasic, then you go back to that. That's it, period. Inter-cycle bleeding, mid-cycle bleeding is part of being on the pill.

1:17:29 Adam Hey, can we call something other than bleeding? You know, we got to figure a period up and bleed. Let's get that. For instance, I like spotting. Mid-cycle spotting, I'm cool with that. I'm trying to think of some sort of euphemistic yet appropriate term for bleeding. It does.

1:17:54 Adam Weaking?

1:17:57 Adam I get kittens in my stomach when I hear about the bleeding. I'm feeling like inflow is tough, too. Everything, everything is just... All the euphemistic stuff always bothers me.

1:18:08 Adam Sloughing?

1:18:09 Adam Sloughing.

1:18:10 Adam Mid-cycle sloughing?

1:18:11 Adam Because is that really what... That's really what's going on, right?

1:18:14 Adam Yeah, the unit lining is sloughing.

1:18:17 Drew All right.

1:18:18 Adam Let's go with sloughing. Neil.

1:18:22 Drew Yeah.

1:18:22 Adam You're 25?

1:18:25 Drew What's up?

1:18:26 Caller Well, me and my girl, we've been together for about six years, and for the past, like, five years, we've been trying to have a kid without success.

1:18:34 Adam You've been dating how long?

1:18:38 Caller We've been dating for six years, but...

1:18:41 Adam Five years. And she's how old now?

1:18:43 Caller I'm 25.

1:18:44 Adam She's how old now?

1:18:46 Caller I'm 25.

1:18:48 Adam Let me try. He's how old now?

1:18:51 Caller I'm 25 years old. I'm on a cell phone.

1:18:57 Adam Your girlfriend is how old?

1:18:59 Caller Oh, she's 30.

1:19:01 Adam Okay, so she's having fertility problems as women frequently do when they get into their 30s.

1:19:06 Caller She had... She had children before.

1:19:09 Adam Right, and now she's getting older, and now she's starting to have fertility problems as women frequently do as they get into their 30s.

1:19:15 Adam Uh, but is a... Well, in her 30s, she's 30. Uh, she's had three kids. Yeah? Fertility problems?

1:19:24 Adam Aging, yeah.

1:19:24 Adam That doesn't...

1:19:25 Adam Aging, yeah.

1:19:25 Adam Even 30.

1:19:26 Adam At 40, it's over pretty much.

1:19:28 Adam I know, but that's...

1:19:29 Adam For some women at 30, they drop off... 35, they drop off a lot.

1:19:33 Caller We've been trying to have kids since she was 26.

1:19:36 Adam Well, that's a good point, too. She's been going at it for a while.

1:19:39 Adam So have you been tested to make sure you're okay?

1:19:42 Caller That's what I was asking. How do I go about that?

1:19:45 Adam You talk to her gynecologist about it.

1:19:48 Adam Really, about him? That's that gay?

1:19:50 Adam They may send you to a fertility doctor, but...

1:19:53 Adam Yeah. It could be you, Neil.

1:19:55 Caller That's what I'm thinking because when I was younger, I had a real bad infection in my foot and I was given anabolic steroids to rebuild the tissue that I had lost.

1:20:06 Adam No. That's probably not it. But anyway, you guys have been going... How old are her kids, by the way?

1:20:13 Caller She has eight, five, and a six-year-old.

1:20:21 Adam And does he need to have another kid?

1:20:24 Adam Well, I think, and I can kind of understand this, even though as a radio show host, I would like to get up on my high horse here, but he doesn't feel like those are quite his kids.

1:20:36 Adam Well, get over it. He signed on for this.

1:20:39 Adam Well, Neil, that is a good question, which is three kids, especially eight, five, and six, that seems like a handful.

1:20:49 Caller Well, she doesn't have them. Her ex-husband has them. Oh.

1:20:54 Adam Ooh.

1:20:57 Adam Where does he live?

1:20:59 Caller He lives in Anaheim.

1:21:00 Adam That's where she lives.

1:21:02 Adam Does she see the kids a lot?

1:21:04 Caller Oh, yeah.

1:21:05 Adam What's the matter with her that she lost custody?

1:21:07 Caller Me and her, we go down and see the kids together and stuff.

1:21:11 Adam What's the matter with her that she lost custody?

1:21:13 Caller She just wasn't in a stable home at the time. And she wasn't making enough money to support the kids.

1:21:21 Adam She was the home. What's the matter with her that she lost custody of her kids?

1:21:24 Caller She just didn't, at the time, her husband weren't getting along, I think.

1:21:32 Adam Neil, what are you talking about? The husband would be supporting the kids. They stay with the mom. Why did she lose custody? There must have been some very egregious problem that she had.

1:21:42 Adam Was she doing drugs?

1:21:43 Caller No, no. She doesn't do any drugs.

1:21:48 Adam All right. Did the husband remarry? I mean, there is occasion where the dad remarries, makes a good living, and says, look, I just want to start the thing. And the mom is like, all right, you got a better situation.

1:22:04 Adam But that's after a while. It's not right at the beginning.

1:22:06 Adam Has he had the kids since the divorce?

1:22:10 Caller No, no. For the first, they have joint custody.

1:22:17 Adam It's making more sense now. All right. Go to the fertility specialist. And Drew, you went to one, yes?

1:22:27 Adam Absolutely.

1:22:28 Adam I actually went to one, too.

1:22:30 Adam No way.

1:22:30 Adam For a man show bit.

1:22:31 Adam Oh, yeah.

1:22:32 Adam Beat off right into a cup.

1:22:34 Adam Did you have the little room they sent you to?

1:22:36 Adam Yeah.

1:22:36 Adam Hand across to the lab techs?

1:22:39 Adam We timed it.

1:22:40 Adam That's right. You and Jimmy were racing.

1:22:42 Adam Yeah. One other thing that's bizarre. I can give myself credit here. First off, it was a race to see who could produce a sample, the fastest, me or Jimmy. I beat Jimmy. Now, here's the interesting thing. It was a race. I'm a competitive guy. Like a good deodorant commercial. I'll give 110% to just about everything I do, even if it's beating off competitively. I beat Jimmy, pardon the pun, in the race. But here's the deal. I came bursting out of the room. I had my pants around my ankles. Jimmy had put himself back together and burst out of the room about five seconds later. So if you factor in the time it took him to pull his pants up and re-buckle his belt, probably came within about a second, second and a half, so to speak, of each other. And that time, two minutes, 18 seconds, from the time it went running into the room, that's miked up with a female director standing out in the hall with a camera crew. Talk about concentration.

1:24:01 Adam Ninja.

1:24:02 Caller I'm a pro.

1:24:03 Adam Ninja.

1:24:04 Caller I'm a pro.

1:24:04 Adam Alright, let's take ourselves a little break. We'll be right back after this.

1:24:23 Yeah.

1:24:26 Adam Let's go now.

1:24:27 Adam Break it down.

1:24:28 Adam Let's break it down, everybody. Let's get a hand in now. Remember, that helmet? It's not a chair, gentlemen. And when I say gentlemen, I use that term loosely. Come on, ladies, gather around. All right, let's go to the phones now. What do you say, Drew? Do you have 7 o'clock? Speak to Candace. Candace, hot name. That's a hot chick name. Do you hear Candace? Hey, you got a blind date? What's her name? Candace?

1:24:59 Caller Hello?

1:25:00 Adam What's up?

1:25:01 Caller Well, I was on birth control pills prior, and now I've been prescribed a patch by basically a random doctor, and I had problems with the pill before, and I wanted to know if the patch would do the same thing, if it would make me sick and moody and cause swelling and water retention and make me really dis-irrational.

1:25:21 Adam Those are all basically the estrogen effects of the pill, so any moderate dose, presumably that's the pill that made you sort of goofy before, it will do that again, anything with moderate amounts of estrogen. You may need to be on a low dose estrogen pill.

1:25:35 Caller What would that be? Because I don't even know.

1:25:39 Adam I don't want to get pregnant.

1:25:41 Adam There are a bunch of those now, low overall, there's a bunch of them. You have to talk to your doctor about that. You can try the patch. You can try the patch. See if that works. If it doesn't, it's a low dose pill. Break it down.

1:25:56 Adam I'm reading this copy they want me to do for this crappy Playboy commercial. Who writes these things?

1:26:02 Adam It's a trial to pretend.

1:26:07 Adam Who writes this?

1:26:08 Adam Don't do that. Don't torture yourself. Lena, what's up?

1:26:10 Caller Hello?

1:26:11 Caller Hi.

1:26:12 Caller My name is Lena. My husband has a sore on his penis. It's like kind of like a blister and the skin's been kind of taken off.

1:26:22 Caller Hello?

1:26:23 Adam Hello.

1:26:24 Caller Hi. And my girlfriend or my husband and our girlfriend are here and we want to have sex tonight, but we want to use a condom and I want to make sure that the lubrication of the condom isn't going to irritate that.

1:26:36 Adam Who wants to have sex? And by the way, last night when I got home, I was watching a movie with Lena Olsen, Olen. And I thought, that's a cool name. Lena.

1:26:45 Caller Oh, right on.

1:26:46 Adam Yeah.

1:26:47 Adam We never had to call her Lena.

1:26:48 Adam Never. But less than 24 hours ago, I was just sitting drinking my red wine thinking, Lena, Lena. That's a neat name.

1:26:54 Caller Oh, that's cool.

1:26:55 Adam Lena Olen, by the way, is a nice combo, one, two, name. All right. So you got a hot chick, too. You have your husband and there's another girl?

1:27:05 Caller And our girlfriend, yeah.

1:27:06 Adam And you guys want to get it on?

1:27:08 Caller Yeah, but I just don't want to hurt him. I don't want the condom to infect it or something. You know what I mean?

1:27:15 Adam Yeah, well, the condom's not going to affect it. It's like saying that band-aid's going to infect the cut.

1:27:20 Adam It is, however, the latex leaning against it is going to sting. And the problem is here is the whole price to pay for the threesome. How do you know this isn't herpes or even cephalos?

1:27:29 Caller Oh, no. We've all been tested. We make sure that everything's completely kosher and all that. So we're not...

1:27:34 Adam You had viral cultures for herpes without an outbreak?

1:27:37 Adam Yes.

1:27:38 Adam No, you haven't had that.

1:27:40 Adam Well, but this guy's worn the skin off his dork from the constant pounding he's giving Lena and her gal pal.

1:27:46 Caller Okay, well, not exactly from that, but okay.

1:27:49 Adam So this could be herpes, right? Uh-huh. How could this not... What makes you think this isn't herpes?

1:27:56 Caller Because it's from him masturbating too much.

1:28:00 Adam Hold on a second. First off, my buddy Clint Eastwood would say, man's got to know his own limitations. I mean, I like beating off, but even I don't punch holes in my skin. Secondly, that's a fairly convenient... Yeah, if you're bringing up sores because you're beating off too much, you belong in a ward somewhere.

1:28:24 Adam And you have two women ready to go.

1:28:28 Adam Yeah. And this guy's no rookie. This ain't some 13-year-old that's Jewish camp. This guy's a seasoned beat-off veteran. If he's drawing blood, he's either got a psychiatric condition or he's full of ass. Get back to Lena. You're outraged. I'm outraged. Lena? Yeah. How big a gal are you?

1:28:50 Caller Me?

1:28:51 Adam Yeah.

1:28:51 Caller I'm not huge. I'm not a big girl. I'm not fat or anything. That's what you're saying.

1:28:56 Adam What do you got? What are you coming in at? What are you weighing in at?

1:29:00 Caller What am I weighing? I can tell America what I weigh.

1:29:03 Caller Let's see.

1:29:05 Adam I got you at 153.

1:29:10 Caller Close to that.

1:29:11 Adam Yeah. I'm going to make it 161.

1:29:13 Caller Are you saying I'm fat?

1:29:14 Adam No. No. I'm just checking. I'm just going to combine this up over three bells. With the two ladies. It makes me feel better. All right. It really will. It really does.

1:29:30 Caller Okay.

1:29:31 Adam It's going to get me through the night. So, here's the thing. Yes, this could be herpes. I don't believe this guy is beating off too much. He's got a sore.

1:29:40 Caller It was just this week.

1:29:42 Caller It was a weak thing. Focus.

1:29:56 Adam Know. What's he using? Rock salt? She had that threesome chick.

1:30:01 Adam Craziness. She had that going.

1:30:02 Adam Yeah, it's crazy meets anger meets sort of...

1:30:05 Adam Bravado.

1:30:06 Adam Kind of setting. Yeah. All right. Put the condom on. What does he want to say? He's got an open wound on his pecker. You guys going to wave that polluted wand? All over your party?

1:30:20 Adam We say don't have sex, really, if you want to be extra careful. Even if people are known to have herpes, it's suggested that they not have sex even when they condom.

1:30:27 Adam What about this? If I had an outbreak, I would have them work one side of my penis. Like two chicks...

1:30:35 Adam One side...

1:30:36 Adam .on this quadrant. You just work this quarter. Just that quarter, left side next to the sack. Ladies.

1:30:42 Adam Corner pocket.

1:30:44 Adam We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. All right, there.

1:30:57 Adam It's the end of the show, Jibberish, too.

1:31:01 Adam Moore coming in here. Yeah.

1:31:04 Adam He's got a, that's a big deal. He's starring in a film.

1:31:09 Adam He's done some substantial work, that kid, you know? Not the kind of movies you've done, Drew.

1:31:16 Adam No, nothing like that.

1:31:18 Adam I don't think he's worked with the Olsen twins. So we're going to take ourselves a little extendo break. And next time, J. Moore, tomorrow night. So until next time, is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo? Gay guys can do whatever they want to chicks.

1:31:34 Drew It's awesome.

1:31:39 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors or this station. The producer for Loveline is Annie Gold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Wednesday, May 5, 2004