Episode 1000611090951

0:54 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually oriented content.

1:00 Loveline with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

1:04 Adam That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1- Dr. Drew, board certified physician, Dick's Managed Best Friend, Bam Margera and Ryan Dunn, both here tonight from Viva La Bam. Sunday nights, nine o'clock on MTV. And let's see, where do we start? Johnny Knoxville, too big for MTV now? What's up? Do you guys talk?

1:30 Guest I don't know. I think we're meeting, actually meeting up with him after this.

1:33 Adam Really?

1:34 Guest Yeah, we're gonna go out and have a few drinks. We haven't seen him in like six months to like maybe nine months actually.

1:41 Guest Yeah, he's been filming movies. Yeah, he's a big star now.

1:44 Adam He's big time now.

1:46 Guest Yeah, I gotta call his age to hang out.

1:48 Adam Yeah, I used to tell Drew that's what was gonna happen with me and him, but never did. Still could maybe, you know. Nah. For either one of us, really. Yeah. All right. Well, that's kind of a bummer. Let's just leave. We'll do best of. Let's see. Drew, what was my next question?

2:14 Guest Go to calls.

2:15 Adam No, no, I know what my question was. I mean, the first Jackass movie, very successful. We'll get into Viva LaBam in a second, but it seems like someone would have wanted to do a sequel to this movie. And then maybe it seems like, well, Johnny Knoxville is not going to do the sequel, but are there plans to do the sequel anyway?

2:34 Guest No, I don't think so. We haven't talked about it at all.

2:38 Guest The only way I do a sequel is if we're all like about 80 years old, and I think that might be funny. But until then, it's just not funny enough, really. I mean, what are we going to do? Am I going to shove a bigger car up my butt?

2:47 Adam Oh.

2:48 Guest And there's just not enough room.

2:50 Adam In the butt or in the budget?

2:52 Drew In both, either.

2:53 Adam Yeah, because it seems, I don't know. It seems like, I don't know what the budget for that movie was, but it wasn't too much. It made a ton. And it just seems like, I don't know about MTV, but at least Hollywood.

3:06 Drew These guys feel happy to have survived that.

3:08 Adam I know.

3:09 Drew Then if they survived it without hurting themselves or anybody else, why play with?

3:14 Guest I just don't want to keep on.

3:15 Adam They're thrill seekers. They're champions.

3:17 Guest Yeah, I don't want to keep on doing it until everybody's bored though, you know?

3:20 Adam Yeah.

3:20 Guest Just get out now while people want more.

3:22 Drew They're just getting old and soft. Yeah, what's it got? It says, don't worry about it. They don't have the eye of the tiger anymore.

3:29 Adam I'm sure MTV screwed up.

3:30 Guest Plus if we did that though, I'd go back to being a sidekick.

3:33 Drew What are you talking about?

3:36 Guest I'd be back to being like a sidekick to Nashville or something like that.

3:39 Adam Yeah, you don't need that.

3:40 Guest I'm kind of like me right now.

3:43 Adam Yeah.

3:43 Guest Yeah, before you were a sidekick of a sidekick.

3:46 Adam That's right.

3:46 Guest So I'm moving up.

3:47 Adam Yeah, you were on Hole, you were in the Hole and now you're on deck.

3:51 Guest Yeah.

3:52 Adam And soon enough, you'll be at the plate.

3:54 Guest That's a good way to look at it.

3:55 Adam Yeah, that's a way to look at it.

3:56 Guest Why am I not happy?

3:57 Guest But he's probably gonna go screw it up.

3:58 Guest Yeah, I'll screw it up some way.

4:01 Adam All right, so.

4:02 Drew Here we go.

4:03 Adam Let's get to phones and talk to JC, who's 23, JC? What's up?

4:09 Hi, on my other question, I heard that if you were to take like birth control or like the patch for birth control and you were to skip like the week of sugar pills and just go like straight to the next month. Yep.

4:24 Then that would stop your period.

4:27 Drew That is correct. In fact, the birth control pills are being marketed now in such a way that they go continuously. And there's no reason, there's no health reason. You can't take, you can't do away with your period. For instance, if you take the depot shot, your period's going away. Of course, you'll bleed for three months, then you won't bleed at all. And you can take the regular birth control pills. Certain ones are better to take this way than others, but you can do it certainly up to six months without having a period with no adverse effect for sure.

4:52 Now would that be the same for like the patch? Yeah. Yeah.

4:59 Adam This is a boom for the prostitution trade.

5:02 Oh yeah.

5:02 Adam If you think about it, because that's three days. That's three days.

5:05 Drew No vacation time.

5:06 Adam Where you're not on your back. Ironically, you're not earning. Do you know what I'm saying? That's several hundred dollars.

5:14 Drew Think what's gonna do the economy.

5:15 Adam Yeah. Getting Nevada right back on its feet. So struggling over there. Hey, who were we just talking to? Oh, yeah. What's happening, JC? What's happening? There's an LZ right next to you that confused me because we never have initials. All right, so yeah, you can do that.

5:34 Drew Talk to Dr. Butt.

5:35 If you were to start like normal again and like, I don't know, take the sugar pills again, then you could get your period back.

5:44 Drew Yep.

5:45 Fine.

5:46 Drew But talk to your doctor about it. Make sure somebody's following you when you do it, all right?

5:49 All right, thank you.

5:51 Adam So you could use this like if your boyfriend was coming in from out of town.

5:55 Drew Oh, for sure.

5:55 Adam And it was gonna be on your period. Or your honeymoon was gonna be on your period.

6:00 Drew Just keep taking them. Really?

6:02 Guest I hope my girlfriend's listening.

6:05 Adam It's like playing God. No, no, it's like being God. Controlling the period. I mean, you control the period. You can, you know.

6:13 Drew Imagine in the ancient times what that would have done. Oh, magic.

6:17 Adam Brothers have these magic pills. It'd be great. Although I don't know. They probably didn't care back then, did they? You think so?

6:25 Drew Yeah, he was having change that much.

6:26 Adam Some people don't care now. Yeah.

6:28 Drew That's right. Obviously these guys do.

6:30 Yeah. Yeah.

6:31 Adam Well, it just sort of depends where you're at in the relationship, you know?

6:35 Guest It's all relative to the sheets.

6:37 Adam At a certain point, you know, I'll just catch you next week. You know what I mean? When you're confident.

6:42 Drew And you know what? We've never talked about this. We've never talked about this. But it has different meaning for different women and different relationships. In other words, for some women, it's bad times.

6:53 Adam What do you mean?

6:53 Drew Heavy flow, painful.

6:55 Adam Yeah.

6:56 Drew There's lots of horrible things going on.

6:57 Adam Yeah.

6:57 Drew For other women, it's like- It's like-

6:59 Adam It's like that's jaws bucket. It's like a chum bucket down there.

7:02 Guest Plus they're jerks.

7:04 Adam That's worse.

7:04 Drew Exactly. But it's jerks. It's nothing. It's half a tampax. They're done, pow. Yeah, that's true. I mean, we never really talk about that.

7:12 Adam No, I mean, there's a period and then there's a period.

7:16 Drew You know? There's flow and then there's flow.

7:18 Guest I'm still on that. Give me a minute.

7:23 Adam Yeah, that's true, Drew.

7:24 Drew Yeah, and so maybe if you guys have run into some bad times, they're understandably would bias you against sort of being around women during that time.

7:32 Adam I've tried to drop some world class trophy fish in my day, yeah.

7:36 Drew What'd you get?

7:37 Adam Yeah, well, you got to chum the waters before they come up.

7:41 Drew I see, I see, I see, I see. It's not actually in the chum. It's just, did you use the chum?

7:46 Adam Yeah, you got to get a nice slick going there. That's what draws them up.

7:49 Drew Then the hammer heads come around.

7:50 Adam That's right, that's right. All right, let's talk to Elsie, Elsie.

7:58 Yeah, that's how you pronounce it. Yeah, I got a question for Viva La Bam.

8:03 Adam Here they are.

8:03 Hey, how do you guys get your mom's car into a hot rod?

8:11 Guest Actually, Rab stole it when she was in the house because she's like in the house, like cooking or whatever for like hours. So basically, Rab stole the keys, took it over to Ryan and Ryan sure did screw it up.

8:24 Guest I just bought everything at the 99-cent store that they had for customizing vehicles and threw it on there. It only took a few minutes. If you have about seven dollars and some duct tape and some wire, you could rig it up, too.

8:37 Guest Oh, man.

8:38 Guest But I was supposed to be able to take it all off. I was hoping I was going to be able to once, you know, she started freaking out on me, but unfortunately, I ruined it beyond recognition. So she's been upset with me to the day. So don't try it. If you have a PT Cruiser.

8:52 Yeah, you got to lose her. Yeah, I think you guys should have like a BB gun war or something. Like one of those.

9:00 Guest Yeah, definitely clear that with dad with it.

9:03 Just go in there and start shooting them. All right.

9:07 Guest The lawyers are really like that one.

9:09 Adam Yeah, maybe they should blow up a federal building or something to LC. Easy on the weed now. Let me explain something, LC. You're calling from Bakersfield. Yeah, you're 15 and you're smoking copious amounts of weed already.

9:27 Drew I see the future. I see it.

9:30 Adam You're going to run into something called Junior College, which is going to be like the Roach Motel. You'll just you get in. Stoners get in, but they don't get out. That's the Junior College. It's like some it's like a huge sandpit for stoners. Just a huge bunker. You're going to spill into that about 18 and a half and they'll throw you out when you're 32. And it's right, right back to your parents' house.

9:52 Caller It's not my fault. I'm a Bakersfield boy.

9:55 Drew A Bakersfield baker.

9:56 Adam Well, you got to get out of there.

9:57 Drew He's bakes in Bakersfield.

9:59 Adam Yes.

10:00 Drew Yeah.

10:00 Adam And place will steal your brain and rape your soul.

10:04 Drew Ooh, he's got that laugh.

10:05 Adam Yeah.

10:05 Drew You smoke a lot of Pellsy.

10:07 Adam Easy with the weed now.

10:08 Caller Nah.

10:09 Drew Pellsy, who you talking to? What do you think you're talking to here?

10:13 Guest It took about seven minutes to say no.

10:16 Drew Oh my gosh.

10:19 Caller All right.

10:21 Guest All right, thanks, good luck.

10:22 Adam All right. I love it when stupid guys lie. That should be the next MTV show.

10:31 Drew When stupid guys lie.

10:32 Adam Yeah, like when they go like, you took that TV set, didn't you, boy? I don't know about that. I like when they say come on, like, you smoking weed? Come on.

10:46 Guest No, it's just like, no, it's no, come on. No, come on, man.

10:52 Adam Stop bumming my heart. Mindy? You're 15? What is happening?

11:05 Caller You guys are so awesome.

11:07 I love you, thanks, well, I want to know how much Dr. Drew made as a drug and addiction specialist.

11:18 Adam How much money he makes from his doctoring?

11:21 Yeah.

11:23 Adam He's always complaining, he's not making any money.

11:26 Drew Some years, yeah, some years zero.

11:29 Adam No.

11:29 Drew Some years I was paying $50 a month to keep my unit open.

11:33 Adam No way, when you say unit, you mean ass?

11:35 Drew No, I mean, it's not a good business in California at all.

11:39 Adam Yeah, but you don't owe money. Most doctors don't owe money at the end of the year.

11:44 Drew Yeah, it's all.

11:45 Adam So, like most doctors, like how much you make as a doctor? It costs me $7 a month. That's most doctors.

11:53 Drew No, no, I'm just saying, in that area for a while there, there was absolutely no resources for treating.

11:57 Adam When you say area, you mean your ass.

12:01 Drew And now it's a bit better. I mean, you could, it's not great, though.

12:05 Adam Plus, a lot of these guys roll in pretty high, so whatever's in your wallet, you can help them.

12:09 Drew No, as one of my social work friends said, if people that are into drugs aren't into insurance. Oh, really? And so, yeah.

12:15 Adam Sometimes, though, they got rich, wacky parents, though, right?

12:18 Drew Yeah, there is, because there had been no resources for a long time, there's a growing pool of people that needed to be treated, and the insurance companies have been forced to belly up to actually treat people, give them what they need.

12:28 Adam All right, so Drew doesn't make much money as a doctor, although he probably could if he wanted to shift his emphasis or, I don't know, plastic surgery or something.

12:36 Can you give me like, I don't know, like a number, maybe, so I can get a pretty good idea?

12:41 Adam He told you, he owes $6.70 a month.

12:45 Drew You could, it depends what state you're in. In California, it's really bad, it's very bad. Well, what college do you recommend to me? If you worked, what?

12:55 Like, what college would you recommend for me if I wanted to be a drug and addiction specialist?

13:01 Drew Well, just focus on getting into medical school. Get in the best college you can. When you're there, you've got to get very high grades and then you start applying to medical school. Focus on that part first. Then you do a five year or four year medicine psych residency and then you do a one or two year addiction fellowship. So you're looking at about 14 years of training.

13:21 Adam She'll be working bachelor parties in about six months.

13:23 Drew So just focus on getting the best college you can and then go to medical school. Just stay with that focus.

13:29 Adam Amindi.

13:30 Yeah?

13:31 Adam You getting good grades?

13:33 Caller Oh yeah.

13:33 Adam All right, everything's good at home?

13:36 Um, kinda.

13:37 Caller Uh-uh.

13:38 Adam Uh-uh. I get that weird little girl voice kind of thing from her and I can't figure out what it's from. Is your dad around?

13:44 Um, wanna make a bet?

13:46 Caller Uh-uh.

13:47 Drew Uh-uh.

13:47 Adam Yeah, there's abuse in your past, yes?

13:52 Uh, not really.

13:55 Adam No?

13:55 Drew What do you want us to bet on?

13:56 Um, if my dad's around.

14:01 Guest Something's going on over there.

14:03 Adam She's getting crazy.

14:04 Guest I'm confused.

14:04 Adam I'm guessing your dad's not around.

14:07 No, he's not.

14:09 Adam Okay, now when did he leave?

14:10 Guest That was fun.

14:12 Actually, he didn't leave. Like, we left him.

14:15 Adam Uh-uh.

14:16 Drew Uh-uh. He was an alcoholic?

14:17 Adam He was a troublemaker?

14:19 Um, no, my mom was just a horny woman and she just wanted to play around with a bunch of guys.

14:30 Guest Sounds like he was all hopped up on booger sugar.

14:36 Drew Your mom is a horny woman? That's what you said? That's a bizarre way to interpret it.

14:42 She like, she's gone out with like five guys at a time.

14:48 Drew What you're saying is your mom's a chaotic woman and she must be very difficult to live with.

14:53 Yeah.

14:54 Drew Yeah, it's more like it.

14:55 Adam All right, so you're with your mom and your stepdad now?

14:57 Mm-hmm.

14:59 Adam Yes, okay.

15:00 Yeah.

15:00 Adam All right, well get those grades going good and then go far away to some college.

15:06 Drew Great. Just focus on that. Stay one thing at a time.

15:09 I can't believe I'm talking to you right now.

15:11 Adam Well, thanks. Call back when you're in med school.

15:15 You should see my locker.

15:16 I have like pictures of you guys all over.

15:18 Adam Oh, really? Well, why don't you put my name on your sneakers? That means you've arrived. You know what I mean? When the kids walk around, it's got the vans, it's got your name on the side of the vans. Like we used to do. Drew, you would do it with Coolidge, Taft. I don't know what president he's... Who's the president? Like 38.

15:39 Drew Van Buren.

15:39 Adam Van Buren. People be wearing his wingtip shoes, his raccoon skin coat. Van Buren, he'd write on the side of his... Walk proud. They didn't have big, you know, he had like Al Jolson.

15:55 Guest Who did they have to look up to?

15:58 Drew Tippy Canoes.

15:59 Adam All right, Drew.

16:00 Drew Yeah.

16:01 Adam What are we talking about?

16:02 Drew I'm worried about Mindy. I just, I feel nervous.

16:04 Adam She's all right. She's got a rich stepdad. Her mom's freaking around. It's weird to talk about your mom's sex drive.

16:12 Drew She needs to go to a therapist, right?

16:14 Adam Yeah.

16:15 Drew Go to a good college with a good mental health service and work on therapy too while you're going through college.

16:21 Adam Sounded hot though. I don't know about the doctor part though. I know she's 15, but it's sound hot.

16:30 Drew You want to ask if she is?

16:32 Adam All right. Mindy? Yeah. You good looking? Yeah. All right, baby doll, there's going to be a lot of distractions for you being good looking and sounding sexy and everything and only 15.

16:43 Drew And having a lot of chaos in your family history.

16:45 Adam Yeah. Hopefully your skin will get bad or something so you can make it through med school. Yeah. Well, look, you don't want guy, you got to, you can't be distracted with the men. Hey, by the way, speaking of crazy broads, got home last night for some reason. I don't know if my Tivo has a sense of humor or something, but every time I turn it on when I come home at 1230 at night, it's on Oprah. I don't leave and it's on Oprah. I just come home and it's on Oprah. Yeah. Another thing it used to record when it had extra room was the soap opera Passions, which I've never even seen. I'm not at home during the day. It's like, what possesses these things?

17:32 Drew Interesting you would equate Passions with possession.

17:35 Adam Well, I mean, yeah, Drew, your hypothesis is that it sounded like a porn title. Oh, that's right. And that's why it recorded it. It's used to porn. It's scanning going, here's something that sounds like porn. But I don't think it works that way. I think you've got to watch the show and then your TiVo goes, well, he watches the show.

17:53 Drew No, no, it's supposed to record stuff or offer you stuff that you like based on your recording and viewing patterns.

18:00 Adam You know what, I tape Modern Marvels on the History Channel.

18:05 Drew Did you ever push the green thumbs?

18:08 Adam Those are the only two shows. I just watch a bunch of shows about building bridges.

18:14 Drew You push the green thumbs?

18:15 Adam No, I don't get into that. What would it do the soap operas for? Right, well, here's the point. I was watching Oprah last night. If it's on, then I'm in. Yeah, so hour and 15 minutes into Oprah. I'm watching the Olsen twins on there.

18:32 Drew Oh, they're on?

18:33 Adam Yeah, they're looking, I hadn't seen them in a while. They look a little affected. I'm not sure what the word is. Sort of eating disorder meets substance something meets maybe being pulled in too many directions at once. They look like a dam about to break.

18:54 Drew Don't, no.

18:55 Adam Something.

18:56 Guest I think they look 100% healthy to me.

18:58 Drew Don't you think it's a little deer in the headlights?

19:00 Adam They got a little deer in the headlights.

19:02 Drew I think, now imagine yourself at 17 sitting on Oprah producing movies.

19:06 Adam Well, myself, yeah, but by 17, they've had 19 years in the business.

19:11 Drew Yeah, but they're still 17. They really are. How old is the Oprah, but by the way.

19:14 Adam Drew did a movie with the, I'm picking Drew about the Olsen twins because he did this movie with them where he played their dad or plays their dad, which is coming out next week.

19:24 Guest Oh wait, what's it called?

19:26 Drew New York Manate.

19:27 Guest Yeah, yeah.

19:28 Drew But how old was that piece you think?

19:31 Adam With the Olsen twins?

19:32 Drew Was it an old Oprah?

19:32 Adam No, I thought it was a recent one.

19:34 Drew Because they really matured a lot in the last year or two. They really have, yeah, yeah.

19:38 Adam They changed a lot. No eating disorder? Maybe, maybe.

19:41 Drew Not that I saw, no.

19:43 Adam What are you gonna see? Something, something looked, they looked bug-eyed. Like, I don't know, like they're on some kind of kiddie uppers or something. I don't know, just, one of them's gonna get up on a water tower with a hunting rifle.

20:02 Drew I don't think so, I don't know. I spent a lot of time with them and I didn't get any, no chaos, no complaining, no negativity, no nothing.

20:14 Adam Maybe someone got to you.

20:15 Drew Well, I was high the whole time, but that's what I'm saying.

20:18 Adam I'm just saying, maybe someone told you what to say.

20:22 Drew No, no, really. I would say the only thing I saw that was unusual was that, we first started this thing a year ago, they were so close. The twin stuff was so, I mean, twins get that with time. I watched them over the course of a year, kind of separate and individuate. And what's interesting, what's really interesting is, I watched some footage of Ashley and I, let's talk about this.

20:45 Adam No.

20:45 Drew We're in this one scene in the kitchen, we're sitting side by side, and she mirrors my body movement precisely. I mean, it's interesting that she's used to mirroring because she's been a twin for a whole life.

20:55 Adam Yeah, she's like one of those shepherd dogs.

20:57 Drew Yeah, right, right.

20:58 Adam Yeah, she round, she heard her. You start heading for the lunch table, she's one of those herding dogs.

21:05 Drew That's what I meant, yeah. Yeah, okay.

21:06 Adam All right, I'm telling you, one of them's gonna snap soon, Drew. And you'll have to get there. You wanna talk to Amy?

21:16 Drew Yeah.

21:16 Adam Yeah. Amy?

21:18 Yeah.

21:19 Adam You're 17?

21:20 Caller Yeah. Hey, I saw the Olsen twins on there the other day. I thought Mary-Kate looked like she was kinda out of it, like she didn't really know what was going on.

21:28 Adam Kitty Downers. Something in, something in, and yeah.

21:34 Drew Maybe it's just too much. I mean, they've been like-

21:36 Adam They're overwhelmed.

21:37 Drew Yeah, they're on a jag right now. They're going crazy with the promotion. I mean, the Hollywood Reporter today was dedicated to the Olsen twins.

21:45 Adam Really?

21:46 Drew And they got their walk of fame star today and stuff.

21:48 Adam Yeah, they got slowed down.

21:49 Drew It's a lot of stuff.

21:50 For a 17 year old.

21:51 Drew Just imagine you're 17 in that situation. Well- You head would have just split open.

21:56 Adam Yeah, but okay, but here's the thing. Shouldn't their parents pull them out of the game for, oh, okay, you know, hold on. Here's, now see, Amy brought it up. Here's what I think that, I think the idea is, is if these two ever stop moving forward, they're not gonna get back on the highway. That'll be it. The second, I know you're gonna tell me how vastly talented they are, but no. Here's the thing, they stop, they take a year off, and they're gonna take 50 years off. That's what I think.

22:24 Drew I think it's like anything else in this business is where people learn to strike when the iron is hot, and they're building to something right now, and they gotta just kinda bear it out. They're capable of it.

22:32 Adam They got $70 million each. What are they building toward? Do you know what I mean? They gotta buy a country? I mean, they got $70 million. They're going insane. Why don't we give them a break? All right, Drew. What would you do if they were your kids? Oh, tough questions. Tough questions. Very tough questions. What if they were your kids?

22:57 Drew I saw them work hard at school and have a regular life and that they seem to be remarkably together given what the life they've led.

23:05 Adam A second ago, you said, what would you be doing if you were 17 and you were doing all this? Now you're saying they're leading a normal life.

23:12 Drew No, they were remarkably low normal life given the life they've got.

23:16 Adam All right, but you don't have to have a remarkably normal life and be in the circus. I mean, they could get out of the circus. They got more money than God. They can reel it in. I think they feel and probably rightfully so that if they stop, their fan base is going to get six months older and drop off and that'll be the end of it. And I don't think they feel like they have a bona fide talent to sustain whatever career they've envisioned for themselves. Thank you. That's why I killed my twin years ago. Yeah. Remember nappy headed Alan used to come around here? Yeah. Yeah.

23:55 Drew We just called him Jack for short.

23:56 Adam Yeah.

23:59 Drew Okay.

23:59 Adam All right, Drew, explain that joke to me.

24:02 Drew Cause he was your twin.

24:05 Adam Jack. Oh, okay. All right, Drew, please. Oh man. I've never talked about that on this show. Let's take a break. Drew, watch the comedy. It always throws me, Bam and Ryan both here from Viva La Bam. We'll take a quick break when we come back. Who are we going to talk to?

24:25 Drew We haven't talked to Amy yet.

24:25 Adam Let's try. Yeah, all right. And we got a Germany or Florida coming up too.

24:29 Drew All right, let's do that. We'll do that.

24:30 Adam All right, all after this.

24:32 Hello, this is your radio.

24:53 Adam Thank Hey, everybody, it's Loveline, I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191, Bam Margera is here tonight. I know I put an S in the end of that. Ryan Dunn also, from Viva La Bam, 9 o'clock, MTV, Sunday night. Drew? Mm-hmm. Arguing about the Olsen twins during the break. Drew did two scenes with them and they're like the daughters you never had, right?

25:18 Drew It's true.

25:19 Adam Drew's a protective father.

25:21 Drew That's true.

25:22 Adam All right, Drew, you got a big premiere to go to this weekend?

25:24 Drew I do.

25:25 Adam Are they going to be there?

25:26 Drew Yeah, oh yeah.

25:27 Adam No, they're not. No. They won't know you. They'll give you one of these.

25:30 Drew Oh, they may not know me, but they'll be there.

25:35 Adam Who is that dude?

25:36 Drew In fact, security.

25:37 Caller Security. Hello.

25:38 Drew Restraining order.

25:39 Adam Restraining order. Amy? You're 17.

25:44 Caller Yeah.

25:44 Adam What's up?

25:46 Caller So, I had an abortion in August, right? And like, I just ran into the guy who is a father like two days ago and I was like, Oh, I should tell him. But then I'm like, Oh, I shouldn't tell him. So, I don't know if I should tell him or not.

26:02 Drew What would you accomplish by telling him?

26:04 Caller Well, nothing but shouldn't he kind of know, you know?

26:10 Drew Like, Well, what? Think about it.

26:12 Caller Well, because he would have had a kid, but, Yeah, but he didn't.

26:15 Drew It's over.

26:16 Adam Because he would have had a kid.

26:17 Drew Yeah.

26:18 Adam That's great.

26:20 Drew You need to learn to look at your motivation a little bit. Do you want to be back involved with this guy again?

26:24 Caller No. And I know if I tell him that that's going to happen.

26:27 Drew Are you mad? If you tell him that will happen?

26:29 Caller I know that will happen. If I tell him.

26:31 Drew You'll get back involved with him?

26:32 Caller It wasn't really an involvement thing. It was like, we like had sex for a week and that was it.

26:38 Drew If you tell him again, what will happen? And that's something you want to do? Then why would you tell him?

26:48 Caller Well, because my friend's like, you should tell him because then you'll have closure and you'll just, everything will be okay, you know?

26:54 Drew No, no.

26:55 Adam Why are you telling a guy about aborting his child is going to give him a boner? You're talking to a guy about abortion, you're going to start having sex again?

27:05 Guest Maybe she needs to get it off her shoulders.

27:07 Drew Yeah, first of all, you don't do things to relieve yourself of guilt.

27:11 Adam You don't?

27:12 Drew No, that's not an appropriate reason to do something. And it's not going to give you any closure, and it's going to strike up a relationship with this dickhead again. Come on.

27:25 Adam Yeah, sometimes I think if I don't talk, let's see how long the show goes without anyone saying anything. And it always turns out it's a long time. I always think that eventually someone's going to say something, but now sometimes people say something like, Drew will go, hey, Adam, aren't you going to talk? Excuse me. All right, Amy? It's all screwed up. Look, she had the abortion. Don't tell the guy. Don't listen to your Dumbo friends.

27:51 Drew There's no more closure. You can't get more closure than you've got.

27:54 Adam She's angry at the guy for dumping him. She wants to rub this in his face a little bit. That's correct. Yeah. And by the way, a guy could freak out. I mean, if this guy is not a great guy and you come up and tell him you got rid of his son, he could spaz out on you a little bit. Definitely. So, stop it. And stop having sex with old guys who don't care.

28:16 Drew Criminals, by the way.

28:17 Adam Yes. Igor?

28:19 Yeah.

28:19 Adam You're 15?

28:20 Caller I am. Yeah. Hey, guys, I love your show. Adam, you're hilarious. I want to be literally a millionaire just like you.

28:26 Adam It could happen. It's probably not going to happen.

28:30 Drew And probably don't want to do it just like him.

28:32 Adam No.

28:32 Drew You should see his social security statements.

28:36 Caller And Drew, Drew, you're an honorable man. I have to say.

28:38 Drew Honorable. Thank you.

28:40 Caller Ready for the Germany or Florida?

28:41 Adam Yes.

28:42 Caller All right. A mother intentionally made her daughter sick to draw attention to herself by contaminating the child's blood, tampering with her feeding pump and sickening her with unprescribed medication. By age eight, the daughter underwent some 40 surgeries and spent 640 days in the hospital. The mother faces up to 45 years in prison. Germany or Florida?

29:06 Drew Well, this kind of thing, believe it or not, happens all the time. It's called munchausen by proxy.

29:10 Adam That's right.

29:11 Drew It's actually a clinical syndrome that happens where mothers bring in their daughters and they become a proxy for the mother and the daughter acts out dutifully without really realizing it.

29:21 Adam This happens everywhere.

29:22 Drew It happens everywhere.

29:23 Adam Phone screeners. This is a poor example of Germany or Florida, but we should play anywhere.

29:28 Drew Florida.

29:29 Adam Florida.

29:30 Drew Florida.

29:31 Adam Wait a minute. We got to ask Bam and Ryan.

29:34 Guest I'll go with Florida.

29:35 Adam Florida.

29:37 Drew Florida.

29:37 Guest It's definitely a Florida thing, yeah.

29:39 Adam We're all going Florida, Igor.

29:41 Caller Well, you're right. You're right.

29:43 Adam Yeah.

29:43 Drew It's called briquettes or munchausen by proxy.

29:46 Caller Yeah. It is the by proxy one. It says that Hillary Clinton visited the girl and all the Florida Marlins visited them, too.

29:55 Guest Yeah.

29:55 Adam That's the only crappy part about being a professional baseball player. You got to visit kids in the hospital. You know, you got to go. You got to do it. What are you going to do? It's tough. Hey, Igor. And yeah, and four year olds love Hillary Clinton. They got to be excited when they see Hillary come rolling in there. Oh my God. It's Hillary Clinton. I mean, they want to see they want to see like strawberry shortcake or something. Right. Like you take a homeless guy and just put him in a clown outfit. They'd like it better than Hillary Clinton, right?

30:24 Guest I think anybody would like that better.

30:26 Adam I'd be bummed if Hillary showed up. It's like, oh no, please do try to perform all sex on me. I beg of you.

30:32 Guest I think age is irrelevant on that. I think it just sucks for everybody.

30:35 Adam That's right. It covers the age spectrum. Everyone would be upset. Even, well, most of all Bill Clinton, I think he was laid up in the hospital and Hillary showed up. I think he'd be number one on the list of dudes who were bummed out that Hillary showed up. All right. He'd probably bring up some of that jello if he saw her. Who would be happy that Hillary showed up?

30:59 Guest I can't think of one person.

31:00 Drew One of the Olsons.

31:02 Adam One of the Olsons. All right. We got a question for-

31:04 Drew Not both.

31:04 Adam We got a question for Bam over here. Ryan?

31:08 Caller This Ryan?

31:09 Adam Yeah. Who's 22?

31:10 Caller Yeah.

31:11 Adam What's up?

31:12 Caller Bam. Yo. What's going on, man? Yeah. I've been skating for like five years now. I'm like, I was wondering, like, how did you get sponsored? Did you make a tape or did like they just discover you?

31:24 Guest I think the only way is to just get one of your friends to film you, you know, skating because that's the only way you have to have it on tape to like show what you could do. I mean, you could probably win a contest and then get sponsored that way, but it's such a mission. You're better off just saving up and buying a thousand dollar video camera or something.

31:43 Adam Will they look at it if you or do you know? I mean, you take a videotape of you doing some great stuff on a skateboard, you send it in to all the potential sponsors and they'll look at it.

31:56 Guest It all depends on like the first 30 seconds.

32:01 Adam Will they even pop it in, you think?

32:03 Guest Yeah, they do, just because they don't want some kid from Brazil getting on, like some really good kid from Brazil, and someone else may look at the tape and pick them up, and then they'll regret it when they see the name. So I'm sure that they watch 30 seconds of each tape and if it's good, they just keep watching the whole thing. Element, and Audio Shoes, and Mike.

32:28 Caller Hey Ryan, what's going on?

32:32 Adam You looking to pick up a sponsor?

32:35 Caller Actually, no, not really, I just want to skate, but you know what I'm saying, I just want to know how he did it.

32:39 Drew You're 22, how do you support yourself now?

32:42 Caller Oh, no, I work. See, it's cool, they let me skate in my job too. I work in a warehouse.

32:51 Adam Oh, they let you go from one spot to the next on your skateboard?

32:54 Caller Like on break time and lunch time and stuff.

32:57 Adam Yeah. I don't know if they, I mean, I'd let my employees skate, they just wanted to do it during their own time, but I don't even know if you need permission, I mean, that's just your own business, right?

33:09 Caller Pretty much.

33:10 Drew Maybe some legal stuff.

33:11 Adam All right. So during, you spend your lunch skating?

33:16 Caller Yeah, after I eat pretty much.

33:18 Adam All right, how much time do you get for lunch, by the way, it seems there's never, you know, by the time the lunch truck pulls up and honks the horn, you get in line and the guy's ready with the chimichanga, you got like eight minutes after that to choke the thing down, then it's back to the salt mines, right?

33:32 Caller Oh, we got an hour.

33:33 Adam Oh, you got an hour? It's a pretty good break for a warehouse job.

33:38 Caller Yeah, it's flexible.

33:39 Adam Yeah, that's nice. I've done a lot of eating off lunch trucks in my day, Drew. They don't have one of those at the hospital, do they?

33:47 Drew No, I have one in high school, though.

33:48 Adam You had a lunch truck in high school? Really? That could be kind of cool.

33:54 Drew I don't know if the rest of the country experiences this, but when the lunch truck pulls up in Southern California, it's da-da. It's the horn.

34:00 Adam Yeah, so we get it. You're from Mexico. How about you play something from Germany? Maybe we'll get ourselves some crepes or some potato pancakes or something like that. Maybe a little schnitzel. Yeah, you know, it's great, too. First off, it ain't that cheap, the lunch truck. No, it's not not as cheap as it should be. And secondly, everything's got everything's just greasy and has sort of that Mexican theme going and it takes a little while to come up. You get in line, you know, if the whole factory empties out in a place, you'll be waiting a lot.

34:31 Drew It wasn't that good back in the day. They basically were like one of those dispensing machines, you know, that you get.

34:42 Adam This horrible like dispensing and it's coming off of a truck. All right. Let's go decompress. Bam and Ryan here from Viva La Bam, MTV. We'll take a quick break and we'll be right back. Nine o'clock MTV Sunday night.

35:19 Guest All right.

35:20 Adam Let's go back to the phones.

35:23 Caller Oh yeah.

35:24 Adam And speak to Tessa who's 16. Tessa.

35:28 Caller Hello.

35:28 Guest Hello.

35:29 Adam What's happening?

35:31 Nothing. My question. I'm having an argument with my little brother right now. And he's saying that when you have sex and you use a condom that you should use two condoms.

35:45 Drew How old is your brother?

35:46 He is 14.

35:48 Drew 14. That must be.

35:49 Not that he's having sex or anything.

35:53 Adam What are you guys even talking for?

35:54 I don't know.

35:56 Adam My sister and I managed to make it through 15 years of cohabitation without ever really speaking.

36:03 Drew Have you ever actually spoken to your sister? I didn't know she talked.

36:07 Adam She did a lot of talking. She usually, she uses a sketch pad. She may be missing her tongue. I'm not sure.

36:15 Drew Well, that's what I thought happened. I didn't want to bring it up.

36:18 Adam So we certainly never talked about that. Once in a while, I accused one of her stoner friends for stealing one of my shirts, but that was about it.

36:25 Drew Tessa, two lurk works less well than one. Two will break.

36:30 Adam Yeah.

36:30 Drew They create friction against one another and they don't work.

36:33 Adam But three.

36:33 Guest What kind of haggard chicks is he hanging out with?

36:36 Adam He's got some really bad 13 year olds he's running with. Tessa?

36:43 Guest Mm-hmm.

36:44 Adam You're right and he's wrong.

36:47 Drew I hope.

36:49 Yeah. So when you should always use one condom because when you use two, it creates more friction and is more likely to break, right?

36:56 Drew That is correct.

36:56 Adam That's right.

36:58 Drew One Trojan condom.

37:00 Oh, and I also have a condom.

37:01 Adam But if you step up to like nine, you can start adding some girth. That's my move. Yeah. You know, they got that like super thin walled for extra sensitivity. I'm looking for the fat wall one. I'm looking for the ones really, you know, about three quarter inch of rubber on each side. Yeah. Yeah. No, yeah. Yeah. Hey, Tessa, do any of your friends think your brother's cute or anything like that?

37:28 Actually, yes, but that's really disturbing.

37:30 Caller Uh-oh.

37:32 Adam See, that's tough, though, because she's two years, you know, because the 16 year old chicks and the 14 year old, it's not normal. It's a little out of range. You know, if it's even or if it's the other way around.

37:44 Drew But he's still got his cross hairs on him.

37:48 Adam Oh, but think about when you're like in the eighth grade and you're sister's bringing home her hot 10th grade girlfriends. Like that's big. Are you there? Yeah, that's big.

37:59 Drew Continue.

38:00 Adam I'll be that that is big to your little 14 year old brain. OK, and if one of them ever likes you, it's like, holy smoke. Look out. Yeah, that's huge.

38:09 Drew But then you'd be so squirrelly, you wouldn't know what the hell to do.

38:12 Adam You know, but once in a while you get that 14 year old kid has got like a ramp. It's cool. I hate those kids, by the way. Yeah, they they they, you know, they're like, you know, like car salesmen or something, or guys who manage like quagmire. Yeah, they they manage restaurants or something at age 14. Tessa, your brother, is he a slick kid? Does he have a rap?

38:36 Uh, no, I don't know.

38:39 Adam Well, your friend likes him, though, right?

38:41 Well, no, one of my friends says that he's like the cutest little thing. And then if he was our age, she would date him. But she's 18, so that's like illegal.

38:50 Drew She's kidding around.

38:51 Yeah.

38:51 Adam All right.

38:53 But I also have a comment for Bam. I just want to tell him that he's like the hottest thing on this planet and that he's gorgeous.

39:03 Adam He knows it.

39:04 Yes, I'm sure he does.

39:07 Guest Thank you.

39:08 Adam He's looking in a mirror right now.

39:10 Guest Ryan just felt my butt right now.

39:13 OK, thank you.

39:14 Guest Ryan has a tub drawn.

39:17 Adam We get home. I got a question for Hot Pants over here. Adam, and why is it every time Bam gets a question, the person asking it has to be named, have the same name as someone in this room. So Adam's got a question for Bam. Last time Ryan had a question for Bam. I guess Drew will have the next one for Bam. Go ahead, Adam.

39:37 Guest Hey, how's it going, guys? A big fan of Evil of Bam. Bam, I got a question. I just want to know if April and Phil really do legitimately get upset or are they just in on a joke the whole time?

39:48 Guest I'd say Phil doesn't really care about anything, so he'll pretty much get over it. But like Ape freaks out about everything. I mean, like in the next episode that's coming on, there was like an Oriental rug that was on the ground and we're all muddy. And like she was like, don't go on the rug. So of course me and Ryan go on the rug. And she seriously like lost her mind because we were getting mud on like a three hundred dollar Oriental rug.

40:14 Guest I don't know if you care, but I'm upset with the whole show. They seem quite happy, though.

40:20 Guest Cool. I just wanted to say also that I do now call my parents, Ace and Phil, in your honor.

40:28 Guest Nice.

40:29 Adam I must love that. All right, Adam, thanks for calling.

40:33 Guest All right, thanks a lot.

40:35 Adam Let's talk to Sabrina, who's 16. Sabrina.

40:39 Caller Oh, my God, I got on.

40:41 Adam Yeah.

40:42 Oh, my God.

40:43 Hi, Bam. I just want to say I love your show and I'm absolutely obsessed with you.

40:48 And, okay.

40:49 And my question is, I'm interested in getting my clitoris pierced. And I was wondering if it could reduce sexual stimulation.

40:57 Drew Yes, it can.

40:58 It can.

40:58 Drew I've heard more problems than successes with that one.

41:01 Adam Really? Yeah, but the successful ones are sort of a silent majority.

41:09 Drew No, they do. Oh, these are the worst. So enhancement. And then in reality, you start talking to people like...

41:14 Adam They sound like Mr. Mooney from the I Love Lucy show.

41:16 Drew Yes, exactly. No, people brag about, oh, I did this because it's one of the enhances things. And you really start talking to them. It's like, yeah, enhance things for a few weeks. And then all of a sudden, the desensitivity went down.

41:30 It's just like, piercings are my thing, so.

41:32 Guest Here's my opinion on it. It's just like you're decorating your house for a party. Just leave the thing alone.

41:38 Drew Just let the guest come over.

41:39 Guest Right.

41:42 Adam Yeah. Just hope Mr. Penis RSVPs, and if it's not a plus one, that can get painful. When he brings his buddy.

41:53 Guest I'd just be sketched out about like, going to some random tattoo joint and some like scumbag is just like.

41:59 Drew Well, none of that is 16 year old. So it's not the normal institution that's going to tear the Taurus.

42:06 Adam And look, like if you could send the thing in and he would pierce it and send it back, maybe. But the idea that you got to hop up in this makeshift stirrups, you know, it's probably made out like. Who is he? He's got stirrups made out of PVC pipe.

42:21 He's been my tattoo artist since I was 14.

42:24 Drew Oh, that's somebody you can trust. Somebody that tattoos a 14 year old.

42:26 Well, no, I got it with parental consent, so.

42:29 Adam Yeah, and by the way, how old is this dude, the tattoo artist?

42:35 Oh, he's like 25, 26.

42:37 Adam Isn't it considered weird to basically spread your legs at the underage chick for like a guy who's an adult?

42:48 Well, it's better than doing it myself. It's better than sending myself to the hospital if I tried to do it myself.

42:55 Drew Yeah, how about not doing it?

42:57 Adam Well, you got to get the clit pairs, Drew. What are you going to do? You got to go to a pro.

43:01 Drew Got to do it somehow.

43:02 Adam Oh my God. And these guys, I'd like to see the look on their face when some of my hot little 16 year old comes in. I got the note from daddy.

43:11 Guest Jumping over each other. I got this one.

43:14 Adam Bert, I'm going to handle this one. You put the dragon on the fat broad's ass. Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and draw the shower curtain here. We can't be disturbed. Boil some water and see if you can send out for some Arby's. I'm going to be busy. No, when it shows up, just slide it under the shower curtain because I could be here for a while.

43:41 Guest Red Bull Vodka.

43:42 Guest Hold my calls. This might take all afternoon.

43:46 Adam Oh my God. And Annie getting paid, by the way. Yeah, here's 400 bucks.

43:54 Guest It's going to take a good five, six hours.

43:56 Adam Yeah. As a matter of fact, just go ahead and flip the close sign.

44:02 Guest I'll lock up. Turn off the neon lights.

44:04 Adam Yeah. Shut that accordion gate thing on the front. Nene Druggies coming in here trying to rip off our bongs. All right. Let's keep moving forward and speak to Monique, who's 18. Hello, what's happening?

44:25 Caller Well, my question is, okay, when I was younger, okay, I'm so young now, but like 12, 13, 14, 15, you know, up there, still doing it. But I had a problem with having sex with or was more attracted to older guys.

44:47 Drew You were how old?

44:48 Adam 12, 13, 14.

44:50 Drew And how old were the guys? Like 40?

44:55 Caller Yeah.

44:57 Drew 40 year olds. And you had sex with these guys?

45:00 Caller Yeah.

45:00 Drew All right, so you were being sexually abused as an adolescent. You found criminals to act out with.

45:08 Adam Well, listen, when you're 12 years old, you're having sex with a guy who's 35, he's a criminal.

45:14 Drew Just imagine, Monique, for a second, somebody your age having sex with a 13, 14-year-old. That's, I mean, can you imagine that?

45:24 Adam Well, look, you're talking to girls getting nailed by a 40-year-old guy when she was 12. I think she could stretch your imagination.

45:29 Drew Most of the time, usually they can't. Usually they go, oh, it's impossible.

45:33 Adam As usual, one of your hypotheticals fell well short of the mark.

45:37 Drew It did indeed.

45:38 Adam Monique? Okay, so you grew up in a horrible family that let this go on?

45:44 Caller Well, no, they didn't know. It's just, I don't know.

45:47 Drew What happened growing up? Some sort of mess, some sort of problem?

45:50 Caller Well, my parents were apart, and my family used to tell me I think I did it because I needed a father figure, but...

45:56 Drew Well, that's part of it, but still, there must have been some sexual abuse or something before that.

46:01 Caller No.

46:02 Drew Or physical abuse?

46:03 Caller No.

46:05 Adam Just at age 12, you thought it would be a good idea to start hooking up with...

46:08 Caller I don't know, it was when I was growing up and when I went to school, I didn't really have any friends or anything like that and I was like depressed or whatever. And I took my depression out on that.

46:19 Drew Yeah, I understand that, but why all that depression?

46:24 Caller Because when I went to school and...

46:27 Drew Yeah, no, you had to do it...

46:29 Caller The Susan Brothers, they'd pick on me and talk about me and I just didn't have any friends or anything like that.

46:35 Drew More, no, more.

46:36 Adam All right, well, look, we're out of time, but listen, Monique, hold on a second. Sorry, you got to get some therapy. If you were essentially raped at age 12 and 13 year old with 40 year old guys, you got to get some therapy for this, all right? That's it, pure and simple, okay? All right, sorry, but that's the long and the short of it. It's... Philip Bam, everyone, Sunday nights, MTV. We got to take a quick break. Shut up, Drew, we'll be right back. Here it is, bottom line, it sucks being single today.

47:11 Guest Tons of lame people and no decent prospects. Call the Dateline.

47:16 1-877-889-DATE. Loveline will be right back, so get your problems ready. Ready.

47:48 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline, I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew, Bam Margera is here tonight. Viva la Bam, Sunday nights, nine o'clock, MTV. Just had a nice talk with Ryan about chickens. Had a very funny, I heard a little funny exchange there where I said, yeah, just talking about chickens during the break. And Ryan said, yeah, yeah. And then Bam said, what chickens? And then Ryan said, what do you mean, what chickens? And then Bam said, oh, you mean the chickens at my house? And he said, yeah.

48:21 Guest He insisted that we had these chickens at the house because we needed them for one of the episodes that we were doing. And then there was like seven of them running around and Ryan's like, let's keep them. And I'm like, who's gonna take care of them? He's like, oh, well. And then he skips town, goes to LA and then he locks all the chickens in like this shed and it's just covered in poop now.

48:42 Adam He says they drop an egg every day. Every one of them, one egg every day.

48:48 Guest So we got seven eggs every day.

48:50 Adam Six. Yeah, six chickens.

48:53 Guest Oh, is there? I don't even look at them.

48:56 Adam One diet of exposure. Does it get a six egg omelet going every day? Fresh eggs, they're brown.

49:02 Drew Let's start chicken coop.

49:04 Adam You could do worse, right? Yeah.

49:06 Guest There are only seven bucks per chicken.

49:08 Guest So you pretty much make your money back in a couple weeks.

49:11 Adam Oh really? Seven bucks. Yeah, and they're majestic creatures too.

49:14 Drew Oh yes, and friendly. Friendly is brilliant.

49:16 Adam Yeah, someone ought to put them on a flag, you know? They're noble. All right, let's-

49:23 Drew Cartoon, they're like a superhero.

49:25 Adam Oh, the super chicken.

49:27 Drew Oh, wait a minute. Is there a thought of it?

49:29 Adam Yeah, it's been done. By the way, you know, they make all these remakes of, you know, making Scooby Doo and all that stuff. Someone would be smart to do a super chicken.

49:41 Drew If that was the only funny one.

49:42 Adam Yeah, it was the only decent cartoon from the like 70s. Why don't they do super chicken? You guys are too young to remember super chicken.

49:50 Caller I don't remember that.

49:51 Adam Oh man, he had a super coop. He drank his secret sauce. He turned into super chicken. You don't remember what his sidekick's name was?

50:00 Drew No.

50:00 Adam Fred. Remember Fred?

50:02 Drew Yeah.

50:03 Adam Yeah, I could proudly do the song. Yeah, Drew, you could do the bop. All right, you ready?

50:08 Drew All right.

50:10 Adam Let's see. When you think that you're in danger, being threatened by a stranger, when you think that you're, take a lickin. There's someone who will hurry up and rescue, just call out for Super Chicken. Uh, uh, uh, there's something about overlooking because he knew the job was dangerous when you took it. He will drink his super sauce and throw the bad guys for a loss and he will bring the dead alive and kickin. I think it was just two of them. There was someone else who would come up, that was you just call out for Super Chicken. Call out for Super Chicken. Bop bop. It's not all the same. I can't remember it. Oh, well come on. We've worked this and worked this and worked this before the show, Drew. Come on. It's a great theme song, as you can tell. Drew didn't do it justice with his multiple bop box. It was on the edge of my seat. But he would go bop bop. It would go call for super chicken. Bop bop bop bop bop, call for super chicken. Bop bop, that's the end, it's big. We'll work that out over the weekend.

51:19 Drew Kim, back to the tonic note.

51:21 Adam Hello? You're 24?

51:24 Caller Correct.

51:25 Adam What's up?

51:26 Caller Okay, I have a problem. I have been with my boyfriend for two years, and I have been faking orgasms the whole time, and I'm over it. I don't know how to break it to him. I don't want to like squash his manhood. I love him dearly. But you're angry.

51:41 Adam You're angry.

51:43 Caller Oh, I'm not. Well, yeah, at myself. How's that? The problem is I've never had an orgasm through by intercourse.

51:51 Drew You never will.

51:52 Caller Never.

51:54 Drew Most women don't.

51:56 Adam None of them.

51:57 Caller I heard that it's common. Freud said that it was because of sexual immaturity or something.

52:03 Drew It's nonsense. It's just how you're wired. And some women are wired that way. Some women have multiple orgasms, some only during oral sex, some kind of both ways. But you're one that will probably only have it with oral sex. Really?

52:14 Adam But here's the thing. The women fake it and then they get angry at the guy because each time they fake it, they get a little more angry. I know. But for a woman, for a woman, there's no real distinction, unfortunately, between being angry at herself and being angry at the guy.

52:28 Drew Do you ever have orgasms? Is there any other way you could have orgasm with him?

52:38 Caller I mean, I dig intercourse, it's great, but I've never been able to climax or orgasm.

52:44 Drew You know what the difference is between men and women? They can have this receptive experience of intercourse, it's fantastic, I'm done, I'm done.

52:52 Caller So how do I bring this up to the dude?

52:54 Adam Well, does he give you oral sex? And do you have an orgasm that way?

53:00 Caller Yes.

53:02 Drew All right, so just stop having them with intercourse.

53:06 Caller Really? He won't be suspicious?

53:09 Adam Maybe you should start tapering them down slowly or something. Why don't you say you got into an accident at work? Yeah, like what kind of work do you do? Food service. Tell him you took some hot fry oil in the cooch.

53:28 Drew Just start tapering it down and just say, The deep fryer exploded. I'm fine the way it is. I don't need to have it.

53:35 Guest I'd buy the deep fryer thing.

53:37 Adam For a guy, it'd be much easier. And you can see the guy telling his buddies, Oh yeah. One of them would say, Yeah, my woman had a fax machine land on her at the office and she couldn't have one either. I mean, it was just, guys are very delicate. You know what I mean? Delicate to ego, Drew.

53:56 Guest SD. Fork truck accident. That's the way my chick went.

54:00 Adam How, yeah, we've all got a story. Hey, Kim. Yes. Yeah, cause it's good. If you tell him, it might, why don't you just tell him, tell him you ran out of the vaginal ones and you only got the clitoral ones left and then blame him for using them all up.

54:18 Caller That's very helpful.

54:19 Adam I would do that. And my fry cook thing wasn't, my deep fryer thing wasn't.

54:27 Caller Well everything is intact. It's not like hanging out there, you know.

54:30 Drew Somebody just smacked you with a frying pan. Keep the frying theme going.

54:36 Adam Let's see. Oh no, okay. Here's something. Is there a relative that's near death? You couldn't kill your grandma or something and say it screwed you up emotionally? All right, all right, all right. Have you seen the movie Passion of the Christ? Yes, I have. Okay. How long ago? Say something happened after you saw that movie.

54:57 Drew Bad dreams.

54:57 Adam Yeah.

54:58 Drew Uh-huh.

54:59 Adam See something.

54:59 Drew Okay.

55:00 Adam Say you saw like a documentary on Vietnam or something on the History Channel. So whatever it is, something emotionally happened. You saw something horrible. You saw a special on Columbine or something.

55:21 Drew Just be prepared that the guy is gonna start working you like a Swiss watch, trying to figure out where things have gone wrong.

55:28 Adam Yeah, look, she's having one through oral sex.

55:33 Drew I think that's an important thing. Here's maybe a strategy. Have intercourse, have oral sex following that and then have the orgasm. You know what I'm saying? So he'll be kind of done. It'll be a finish at the end there and then we'll be done.

55:47 Adam I don't know. He's a guy, you know? Yeah. Heading down after your, you know? Doesn't make kind of gay.

55:53 Guest Tell him you like starting off with oral sex and then she doesn't need to have an orgasm.

55:57 Drew Yeah, but the guy will like, well, you've always got to have that one. That one's always, that's missing. It's missing.

56:03 Adam Yeah.

56:03 Drew Preoccupying about it.

56:04 Adam Well, it's tough. She's definitely painted herself into an orgasm corner. Deanna? You're 21? What's up?

56:13 Caller Okay. Well, I got divorced with my ex-husband. And like, I'd say like April of this, oh, not April, I'm sorry, October last year. And I kind of been seeing this girl and we mess around and stuff, but I don't know if it's like a phase I'm going through or, I mean, cause like me and my ex, like we had great sex, but I never like completely like enjoyed myself. But with this girl that I'm with, it's like totally different.

56:43 Adam Hold on, hold on. How do you have great sex?

56:47 Caller I mean, it was great. Like, I don't know. Like the people that I was with before, they like never let me orgasm. And he was never about, you know, he was always, you know, letting me get mine. And I mean, I've never had that before.

57:02 Caller All right.

57:03 Adam But then why do you call it great sex and then say it wasn't that good?

57:08 Caller I mean, it was great. Like with a guy, that's what I mean. Like it was the best sex I've ever had with a man, but it didn't like, it was like, it completely like fulfill me orally.

57:19 Adam And now you're fulfilled by a woman?

57:21 Caller Well, yeah. Because I mean, we were never like had oral sex, but with my friend.

57:28 Adam You and the guy, you and the guy never had oral sex.

57:31 Caller No.

57:32 Drew How come?

57:33 Caller I don't know. We just never did it. It was always like, you know, oh, you know, let's just go ahead and roll over, you know, and do that and go back to bed. But it was always really good. It was never about like, you know, pulling off.

57:43 Adam Hold on a second. How can this? First off, it's great sex. Then it's, well, we never had oral. And then it was like, well, you just roll over, now let me go back to bed. But it was great.

57:52 Drew Yeah.

57:53 Adam Which is it?

57:54 Drew It's all over the place.

57:56 Adam It doesn't sound like great lovemaking, does it?

57:59 Drew No.

58:00 Adam Roll over, throw you one and then back to TiVo. Deanna's screwed up.

58:07 Drew Yeah.

58:07 Adam Deanna?

58:08 Caller Yes.

58:09 Adam It really, it has to be downgraded to good or marginal sex. If he isn't doing something that you really enjoy, like oral sex, and he's doing the roll over and then back to bed thing.

58:21 Caller Well, I mean, the intercourse is always good, but we never had oral sex and I get oral sex from my friend. So that's what I like.

58:29 Drew What is my...

58:31 Adam Why did you tell the guy you'd like some oral sex?

58:35 Caller No.

58:35 Drew Why not?

58:37 Caller I don't know. I just didn't, I never brought it up. I didn't think I was gonna really like it.

58:42 Drew Okay, well, now you do.

58:43 Caller I do.

58:44 Drew There you go. What's the question?

58:46 Caller I just don't know if it's like, I don't know if I should go back with him and explain myself what I like or just stay with her.

58:54 Drew Whomever you're with, you should explain what you like. What's going on in that relationship? We can't make a decision about the quality of the relationship. And by the way, we're not talking about the guy or the girl.

59:03 Adam You have a kid with this guy?

59:04 Caller Yeah, we do. We have a daughter.

59:06 Drew All right, then you gotta get back with him. You have a child together.

59:12 Adam She's calling from Riverside, so it's kind of-

59:13 Drew I guess there's a boy.

59:14 Adam They don't really have kids there. They just have things that they gotta feed once in a while. It's not really what our definition of children are. What are you gonna do with the kid? When should the family of a possum raise the kid so he has a fighting chance? What are you doing? What are you doing?

59:31 Drew You have a-

59:37 Adam How old is your girl? He'll be two next month. Two? All right, mom. You're just bouncing around looking for the best performer of oral sex? Sorry, mom had to leave. Daddy wouldn't go down on me, but that's all right. I got this-

59:51 Drew Susie, my girlfriend.

59:52 Adam Yeah, you know Aunt Susie? Yeah, she went down on me.

59:54 Drew And by the way, your question was, should I go back with him? You're not with anybody. This is a quote friend. This isn't somebody you're involved with. And for some reason, the totality of how you experience yourself emotionally in intimate relations is this sort of bizarre, chaotic, physical contact. Yeah, it's a mess.

1:00:14 Adam Are you having, how, other than the fact that this guy doesn't perform the oral sex, how good a guy is he?

1:00:22 Caller Oh, he, I mean, we had our problems. We had, you know, some, like, domestic violence problems and stuff, but-

1:00:29 Adam Okay, so he's not a great guy.

1:00:32 Caller Well, everybody thinks that he's not, but I mean, he's a great dad, just, we just had our problems.

1:00:37 Adam Oh, by the way, I'm closing my eyes and picturing, I'm picturing a guy wearing an ascot and playing a violin.

1:00:46 Drew You can't be violent in front of a child and to be a great dad.

1:00:50 Adam Well, she was in another part of the trailer. There's a full sixteenth of an inch of corrugated aluminum between the child and where the beating was taking place, Drew.

1:00:59 Drew Come on. Yeah, that's not to be a good dad.

1:01:01 Adam Yeah, and some of those things have rigid insulation in them too, so that's a sound barrier. Deanna?

1:01:06 Caller Yes.

1:01:07 Adam Okay, let's just start from the start here. No more kids. Do you hear me?

1:01:12 Caller Oh, I know. No more kids.

1:01:14 Drew Good.

1:01:15 Adam Secondly, if this guy is physically abusive, you should not return to him.

1:01:19 Caller No, he's not anymore. I mean, he went to jail and, you know, he went to like classes and stuff.

1:01:24 Adam Great dad.

1:01:26 Drew Fantastic dad, you know, so far you're painting a beautiful picture of a quality parent.

1:01:30 Adam All right. So he has a job.

1:01:32 Caller Yes.

1:01:34 Adam And you guys are married or what? You're divorced.

1:01:39 Caller Yeah.

1:01:40 Adam And you have custody of your child?

1:01:42 Caller Yeah. I have her during the week and he has her weekend.

1:01:46 Drew Oh, right. Is it supervised custody?

1:01:52 Adam They time it for when the parole officer comes by. All right. So, he's good with the child? All right. And does he want to get back with you? He does? All right. Well, maybe you guys should try to form a family on behalf of the child. But if he does any more hand raising or boozing or whatever, you take the kid and you get out of there.

1:02:17 Caller Well, he never was a booger or anything.

1:02:20 Adam Really?

1:02:21 Caller Yeah.

1:02:21 Adam He just beat on you. He's sober, huh?

1:02:26 Caller This was before my daughter was born.

1:02:28 Adam All right. All right. Well, look, go back. Try to try to be a family on behalf of the child.

1:02:34 Drew There you go.

1:02:34 Adam And no more kids. All right. Stop with the chaos. Your mom now, right? All right. All right.

1:02:43 Guest Less about the oral stimulation, more about the beatings.

1:02:47 Drew Yeah.

1:02:48 Adam Good times, everybody.

1:02:50 Drew It takes all kinds.

1:02:50 Adam It takes all kinds. I've said that many times on this show. Lauren?

1:02:54 Yeah?

1:02:55 Adam You're 13?

1:02:56 Caller Yes.

1:02:56 Adam You have a question for Bam and Ryan?

1:02:58 Caller Mm-hmm. I was wondering if you're going to have these little BAM on DVD soon?

1:03:04 Guest Yeah. I think it's coming out like July 1st.

1:03:09 Caller And yeah.

1:03:11 Guest There's a lot of bonus features too. So.

1:03:13 Guest Is it rated R?

1:03:15 Guest I don't know.

1:03:16 Guest I believe it is.

1:03:17 Guest Yeah.

1:03:18 Adam Fair amount of stuff you can't show on MTV, right?

1:03:21 Guest Absolutely.

1:03:22 Adam Yeah. So you get to see that stuff.

1:03:25 Guest I think it's funny.

1:03:28 Adam All right, Lauren. You cool?

1:03:31 Caller Yeah. And Bam, I love you.

1:03:34 Guest Thanks.

1:03:35 Caller And so do all my friends.

1:03:38 Guest Tell them thanks too.

1:03:39 Caller We have like competitions and stuff. Like you could have the most Bam stuff.

1:03:45 Drew Names on the shoe kind of.

1:03:46 Caller Where do you get it from?

1:03:50 Adam I don't know, we get it at Pac-Son mostly. What do you mean?

1:03:53 Caller Like Bam, like pins and shoes and shirts and stuff.

1:03:58 Adam And do you win the competition?

1:03:59 Caller Sometimes, like sometimes I get some stuff and they go get the same thing and another thing and then.

1:04:05 Guest Do you get bummed out when they get it or?

1:04:07 Caller Yes, because my friend Nicole, I've known her forever and she gets mad at me when I wear my Viva LaVampin because she really wants it and she doesn't know where to get it.

1:04:17 Drew So you just got to rub that.

1:04:19 Adam Where did you get it, Lauren? Or are you scared that your friend Nicole may be listening?

1:04:23 Caller No, my mom bought it for me at Hot Topic, I think.

1:04:27 Guest Just go to a skate shop because they probably have like, like good, I don't know, better stuff than.

1:04:33 Caller I know, but I get to tell her that I talk to you.

1:04:37 Drew Oh yeah, you've been anointed now.

1:04:38 Guest I think you're the winner.

1:04:40 Adam I know. Well, maybe she won't believe you, though.

1:04:43 Caller I hope she's listening.

1:04:44 Adam Well, why don't maybe Bam should give you some sort of code.

1:04:48 Drew Record something.

1:04:49 Adam Record an outgoing message on your cell phone. Oh, bad times, baby.

1:04:56 Drew You have an answering machine?

1:04:57 Caller On my house?

1:04:59 Drew No, your friend's house.

1:05:01 Adam In your big wheel. Yeah, in your house.

1:05:04 Caller Well, I'm not supposed to be on the phone right now.

1:05:07 Adam All right. Well, you get some sleep and you dream of Bam.

1:05:11 Caller I will.

1:05:12 Adam All right, baby doll. Take care. Yeah. There's things, there's signs. And Drew, you can talk, by the way. I'm going to say look and point.

1:05:29 Drew Did they call?

1:05:31 Adam I just, I see how long it takes sometimes. Go ahead. Hello.

1:05:42 Caller I was wondering how long, what's the longest you can wait before you take your morning after pills?

1:05:49 Drew You can actually probably wait up to five days, but it's supposed to be taken within 72 hours.

1:05:54 Caller Five days, really?

1:05:55 Drew You could take some indication that it may work up to five days, but really you want to try to get, you want to try to get it in the first 24 hours if you can. That's when it's most effective.

1:06:04 Caller It's been 48, so I still have tomorrow morning.

1:06:08 Drew Yeah, get your hands on it, quick, sooner the better.

1:06:11 Caller Planned Parenthood?

1:06:12 Drew Planned Parenthood or call 1-800-NOT-NUMBER-2-LATE, not too late.

1:06:17 Adam In three weeks, they'll ship out some pills for you.

1:06:19 Drew They'll refer you to a pharmacy, you can get it without a prescription.

1:06:22 Caller Yeah. And how much is it?

1:06:25 Drew I think it's about $30. You can get it tonight.

1:06:27 Adam It's a lot cheaper than having to raise a child, young lady.

1:06:31 Guest I'll tell you that right now.

1:06:35 Adam Yeah. It seems like a lot, doesn't it?

1:06:37 Caller Yeah, that's a lot.

1:06:39 Guest I know.

1:06:39 Adam But as I said many times, my father spent almost $400 raising me, so $30 seems a pittance of that. Actually, like 12, 13 times as much. Yeah, I mean, and that's a rough estimate. It could have gone as high as $450, it could have been as low as $275. I know, if four is a fair, my stepmom says it's more, she argues for him and says it's more about $475, $480, but I think the reality, and by the way, those were 1980s dollars too, so I mean, that would be, yeah, I mean, you're talking about almost $1,000 today.

1:07:18 Guest You've got to factor in inflation.

1:07:19 Adam Yeah, you've got to factor that in. All right, let's talk to… Take a break. Take a break? Yeah, come on. How about this guy? Oh, yeah. Drew, you got a puss on. What's wrong with you? Did you have a tough day?

1:07:34 Drew What's wrong? Yeah, I did have a really tough day.

1:07:36 Adam Drew, see, when Drew has a tough day, he brings it. He brings it to work. See, when I have a tough day, I use it. You know what I mean? That's the difference between us. I'm like a great actor. I take the pain and the trauma and I turn it into my art, whereas you just come in with a puss on.

1:07:52 Drew We never notice when you're having a bad day.

1:07:54 Adam But I turn it into my art. Do you understand?

1:07:59 Drew Yeah, I'm understanding.

1:07:59 Adam I use it as my motivation, like a great prize fighter who was beaten by his father. See what I mean? I took my Gresham out in the ring.

1:08:06 Drew Yeah, we see that.

1:08:07 Adam That's why I got the belt. You understand? That's why you got the water bucket, my friend. Sponge me off, would you? And put some Vaseline on me.

1:08:15 Drew Where?

1:08:16 Adam Not there. All right. When we come back, because we got things to talk about.

1:08:22 Drew We have great calls when we come back.

1:08:23 Adam What about this? I know Drew's got a puss on. But look, what about Joe with the surgical scars? And these new patches? I don't even know what that is. Drew doesn't know what it is either? Well, let me just see. Joe? Hey, you're 22.

1:08:36 Caller Yes.

1:08:37 Adam You have surgical scars?

1:08:39 Caller I have surgery and some accidents and I got electrocuted on my hand when I was little.

1:08:45 Adam What happened? What happened?

1:08:51 Caller My grandparents reinstalled their sprinkler system and they thought that it had been turned off and it wasn't. So I grabbed a sparking wire, but that's not the big one. The big one is on my stomach from surgeries and it just makes it really uncomfortable to wear swimming suits and stuff like that. So I was wondering if the Neosporin patches that they have now, they're like $40 a box. They have them at Walmart. You can buy the patches and you're...

1:09:19 Drew Those are for open wounds.

1:09:20 Adam Those don't work for a scar.

1:09:22 Caller So you said that the commercial said that it would get rid of existing scars.

1:09:27 Adam I think the commercial said it would reduce the risk of scarring if you had a wound.

1:09:33 Caller I read the box. It said. I just didn't buy it because it was $40, but...

1:09:36 Adam Oh, really?

1:09:38 Caller It said that it would reduce the appearance of existing scars.

1:09:41 Drew No.

1:09:42 Adam Well, while the patch was on, we won't see the scars. It's got a patch where it used to be.

1:09:47 Drew Yeah, right. Scars are very difficult things to treat, and no patch is going to take care of that.

1:09:51 Adam By the way, your belly is worth $40 if we're going to work. I mean, what's your ceiling on getting rid of unsightly scars? Like $9?

1:10:03 Caller Well, I'm kind of paying for college by myself, so until I get out of college, about $3.

1:10:10 Adam Well, what's the scar from, by the way?

1:10:12 Caller I had my gallbladder removed, and I had my… I have endometriosis, and so they did some exploratory surgery, I think they called it, just to see.

1:10:24 Adam Really?

1:10:24 Guest Yeah.

1:10:24 Adam How big a scar is that? That's not a big scar, is it?

1:10:28 Caller Well, the ones…

1:10:31 Adam The exploratory scar is not big?

1:10:33 Caller There's six or seven little ones, and then there's a big one from a snowmobile accident.

1:10:38 Adam Grandfather, again? Ran you over the snowmobile?

1:10:43 Drew What?

1:10:43 Caller No, I hit a jump and I landed it bad, and I went over the snowmobile.

1:10:48 Drew And it ran over you?

1:10:50 Caller No, I went over the top, but it didn't run over me.

1:10:53 Drew Well, where did the wound come from?

1:10:54 Caller The handlebar?

1:10:56 Drew Tore your abdomen open?

1:10:58 Caller Well, enough to leave a scar. It wasn't really deep, but it left a scar.

1:11:03 Adam Happened to a friend of mine. Joe, we're not going camping, by the way, this summer. All right.

1:11:09 Caller Break my heart.

1:11:12 Adam Drew.

1:11:13 Drew Yeah.

1:11:14 Adam We've got to take a break. You want to do some scratch in here?

1:11:17 Drew Sexual abuse.

1:11:18 Adam Sexual abuse?

1:11:21 Drew Me? Yeah.

1:11:23 Caller No.

1:11:25 Adam Come on.

1:11:26 Caller No.

1:11:28 Drew Something happened.

1:11:29 Adam What happened?

1:11:30 Caller Why did something have to happen for me to have to have sex with?

1:11:32 Drew Because the endometriosis piece here and all the physical preoccupations and the pelvic pain and all that really adds up to sexual abuse.

1:11:40 Adam What happened?

1:11:41 Caller My mom has it and my grandma has it and so.

1:11:44 When did your dad rape you?

1:11:46 Caller No. Good Lord, no.

1:11:47 Adam Okay. Hold on a second. Hold on. All right. There's something missing here.

1:11:51 Drew Yeah.

1:11:52 Adam There's some trouble. There's something missing.

1:11:53 Drew Yeah.

1:11:53 Adam We'll be right back.

1:11:54 Drew All right.

1:11:55 Adam We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:12:04 Drew Hey Adam.

1:12:24 Adam Phone number 1-800-L-E-E-1-9-1. Bam Margera, Ryan Dunn, here tonight from Viva La Bam. Drew, you cool? It's Sunday nights at nine o'clock on MTV. Drew, what's the matter, buddy? Tough day.

1:12:39 Drew Yeah, tough day.

1:12:40 Adam Tough day at work?

1:12:41 Drew A lot of non-surrendered opiate addicts, we call that.

1:12:45 Adam People fightin ya. Here's the thing about Drew, he's a sponge. He's very porous, he's very sensitive. And he goes to work, people give him a hard time, and then he absorbs it all. We go on the road, some fat angry lesbian says, what gives you the right to dispense the medical knowledge over there, and then Drew's effed for the rest of the trip. He's walkin around, just staring at his feet, all funked out. Two days later, I'm like, Drew, what's the matter, buddy? I said, that woman in the airport, screw that fat ass. She said I was bad. Come on, buddy, shake it off. This business, so we gotta let stuff roll off ya.

1:13:24 Drew Gotta be tough.

1:13:25 Adam You gotta be tough. You know what? We need you to be strong, man. You know what I'm saying?

1:13:30 Drew I know, man.

1:13:31 Adam Because there are people out there that care.

1:13:34 Drew But do you care, man?

1:13:35 Adam Yeah, man.

1:13:36 Drew I need to know that you do.

1:13:37 Adam I do, man. Come on, somebody, look, all it's gonna take is one of you a-holes out there in Radioland to call up, save Red Drew's book, and it didn't suck.

1:13:48 Drew Oh, that is, if you want to send me in a spiral, I go to Amazon and just read a couple of reviews, and it's just, oh my God. I put so much into this damn book, and people completely misread the thing, do not understand what it's about, and then just go off on those damn reviews, and I go insane.

1:14:06 Adam What is that?

1:14:07 Drew What is that? Why do I even go to the website and check?

1:14:10 Adam Well, let's talk, because, you know, young Bam and Ryan should know this too, and I don't know how you guys feel about this.

1:14:17 Drew Give me some cashews.

1:14:18 Adam If you, yeah, this is Drew's medicine. This will make him feel better. By the way, this is like cashews that somebody threw a cinder block on.

1:14:27 Drew I think these came out of the Egyptian temples, or something.

1:14:30 Adam Yeah, they're mashed.

1:14:30 Drew Yeah, they're so old.

1:14:31 Adam Do you guys sit, do you guys go on the internet and read, like, you know, horrible things that people say about you?

1:14:37 Guest I seriously don't even, I have my own website and like MTV has a website and like people post up stuff all day long. I don't even look at it just because like, smart. I probably looked at it like a year ago and dude, it's just like a bunch of haters. Like, yeah, they just sign on just to talk crap because they know that you're never going to be able to find out who they are.

1:14:58 Drew So they just go there and just, I love the people that give hate, hate mail and go, now would you say hi to me on the air? And then you keep going, I'm going to keep doing this until you sign me. No way, no way.

1:15:11 Adam Yes, that's right. Yes. And look, here's the thing. There will be 10 good ones for every one and a half bad ones, but the one and a half bad ones are the ones that stick in your craw. Right. So leave it alone.

1:15:26 Guest I don't know what the point is. Like if I don't like somebody, I just simply will ignore it. Like if I don't like a band, I'll just be like, yeah, they suck. And then that's the end. But I wouldn't sign on and scroll down to the message board just to tell them how bad they suck.

1:15:41 Adam Like, that's right.

1:15:42 Guest It's very painful.

1:15:43 Adam You see, you see people, these, these are men, flesh and blood. No different than you.

1:15:49 Guest I don't have that problem. No, nobody knows who I am in the first place.

1:15:52 Adam So Ryan has his chickens and that's where he sits.

1:15:55 Guest So I got my chickens. You can't bring me down.

1:15:58 Adam Let me tell you something about chickens. They don't judge. They don't know if you're black, white. I think they may know if you're Mexican. I'm not sure. Because I got a feeling about that because the Mexicans eat so many chickens. I think they're scared of Mexicans. It's all that Pollo Gordo, Pollo Loco.

1:16:13 Drew No, no, they're afraid of pigs with hatchets.

1:16:16 Adam Well, that's also true. The Mexicans, when they, you know, the butcher shops actually have pictures of the pigs, drawings, chasing with a hatchet, chasing the chickens.

1:16:23 Drew With the big chef's hat on.

1:16:24 Adam Big chef. Who decided the pig did the cooking in the animal kitchen? You know, you never see the chicken cooking. No, it's Mr. Pig. He's serving it up. Yeah. Well, anyway, the point is, is the chickens, they don't judge. You go with them and they don't send hateful emails. They don't snipe at you. They don't talk about you behind your back. They're just there.

1:16:52 Guest They just poop on an egg every day.

1:16:54 Adam Poop on an egg and that egg, they're saying, you know, that's an offering. Here, take this. Here's some sustenance and here's some protein. High protein. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. That's all. You go on the internet, you get an egg. Now you get, you get a shiv in the liver. You get a, you get an iron boot and a groin. You hear me, Drew?

1:17:13 Drew And by the way, I don't mind criticism as long as it's thoughtful.

1:17:15 Adam Stay off that internet.

1:17:17 Drew Thoughtful criticism, I'm up for it. But random, bizarre, rambling, acting out.

1:17:23 Adam Internet is for porn and for fat people to seem skinny when they're talking to other people in other parts of the country. That's all.

1:17:32 It's so true, too.

1:17:33 Adam It's not for you to look up your hateful reviews.

1:17:36 Guest Dude, my friend Ryan G gained like seriously about 70 pounds or whatever, and he just sends like a handsome photo of him when he was like 18. And I'm like, dude, G, man, I hate to break it to you, but you don't look like that anymore. Like you've gained so many more pounds.

1:17:52 Adam Yeah, the internet, it's like your driver's license. You know, you wrote 175 and there it will stay. You can become morbidly obese, but that's what it says on the license. That's what it's for, Drew.

1:18:05 Drew Okay.

1:18:07 Adam All right.

1:18:09 Drew So do you want to finish with Joe? The endometriosis and the flying over the snowmobile handlebars.

1:18:16 Adam Got shocked, scarring from the electrocution. Joe?

1:18:21 Caller Yeah.

1:18:22 Drew As my pediatric residents used to tell me when these kids would come in with repeated accidents or repeated accidental overdoses, he would say random events segregate non-randomly.

1:18:32 Adam Yes.

1:18:33 Drew Which is true.

1:18:33 Caller Well, it spread out over my whole life. Like the snowmobile was a couple years ago and the electrocution of another kid.

1:18:40 Drew How is it most people get through life without any of those things happening?

1:18:42 Adam No, that's untrue. Why most people have a bunch of scars and stuff.

1:18:45 Caller I'm not very lucky.

1:18:47 Adam Okay. Now, so just to make sure everything's cool, you were never sexually abused.

1:18:52 Caller No.

1:18:52 Adam They were physically abused.

1:18:54 Caller No.

1:18:56 Adam Family's cool. You love your dad, your mom.

1:18:59 Caller No, my dad's an asshole, but he never sexually abused me.

1:19:02 Adam What did he do? Just a bad guy?

1:19:04 Caller He's just kind of a jerk, but he never, I mean, he never touched us or sexually.

1:19:11 Drew Did anybody else?

1:19:13 Caller What?

1:19:14 Drew Did somebody else? How old were you when you lost your virginity? Four.

1:19:24 Adam That's creepy in its own way.

1:19:26 Caller Thanks.

1:19:27 Drew Do you use alcohol or drugs or something?

1:19:30 Caller Me? I drink with my friends sometimes, but.

1:19:35 Adam That doesn't count. So Joe, you want to know how to get rid of these scars. And the problem is, is there's no real good way to get rid of them. It's like surgery and lasers and stuff like that. By the way, if the thing on the box says 40 bucks and it helps get rid of them, you may want to try it.

1:19:58 Drew I don't think it'll work.

1:19:59 Adam Yeah, it's probably not going to work, but I don't think guys mind a scar or two.

1:20:04 Guest Some guys are into tough chicks.

1:20:05 Adam Yeah.

1:20:06 Guest I'm kind of getting turned on by the whole scar thing.

1:20:09 Adam Yeah. Especially if you work that snowmobile story.

1:20:12 Guest Tough chicks, they're pretty hot.

1:20:14 Adam Yeah.

1:20:17 Caller All right.

1:20:18 Adam Listen, the other thing, too, I'm trying to think of what chicks think guys care about and what we don't care about. Let's see if we can work this out. A, we don't care about nails nearly as much as you guys care about nails.

1:20:32 Drew We don't care about lingerie nearly as much as you guys worry about lingerie.

1:20:37 Adam Right. We don't mind it, but either the chick's hot or she's not. And if she's hot, let's get rid of the frilly teddy and let's get down to business. And the nails thing, you guys are painting unicorns on there and stuff. That's fat chicks. They're just trying to distract you. That's smoke and mirrors. They're trying to get you to focus on their hand, which is the only part that's not fat. That's all it is. The fatter the chick, the more time goes into the nails. Let's face it. All right. So we don't care about nails. We don't care that much about lingerie. There's a lot of things you guys waste a lot of time with. You F up your hair by screwing with it too much. All the different colors and the weaves and the perms and all that. So we don't need any of that either. But things we don't care about that you think we do really care about is stuff like stretch marks. Not that big a deal. I mean, look, if a girl's covered head to toe with stretch marks, maybe that's something.

1:21:29 Drew I know something they wear.

1:21:30 Adam But you know, you get that little, you know.

1:21:31 Drew They wear like hell about their like, right this part of their thigh.

1:21:34 Adam The bottom part. Yeah.

1:21:36 Guest That's where it all goes.

1:21:37 Drew Yeah, but guys don't know what they're talking about. They're like, what? What?

1:21:40 Adam Yeah, that's no. I mean, look, you don't, you don't, you don't want it to look like a cobblestone road down there, but you don't care. You chicks worry too much about the stretch marks. And by the way, even scars. There was some women will have a little something, you know, scar and they got, they fell off the rocking horse and whack their eyebrow or something. It's not that big a deal. Yeah.

1:22:00 Guest I think they're confident about it. It's, I'd be psyched on it. You know, if they're just like, I like it. That's what happened.

1:22:06 Adam You know, like, yeah, yeah, here's, here's what you chicks need to do. You stay in shape, put a smile on your face. That's what we like.

1:22:14 Drew Show some enthusiasm.

1:22:15 Adam Show a little enthusiasm. Someone's eager to please.

1:22:17 Drew That's it.

1:22:18 Adam Yeah. And then all the crazy tats and piercings and stuff like that. It's okay, but we don't need that either. We need you, we need you thin.

1:22:26 Drew What about shoes? We don't care about shoes, really.

1:22:28 Adam We don't care about shoes.

1:22:29 Drew That's all they think about is shoes, we don't care.

1:22:31 Adam Yeah, they act like guys care about shoes. And they're, and they're like, we're going to be impressed. Like, hey, this chick was a mess, but did you see her shoes?

1:22:38 Drew We never get there. We never get there. No, we never, our eyes never get down to the shoe part. No. They never get there.

1:22:44 Adam We don't even get, you listen, your feet are just a platform to hold your boobs up. That's what I say. That's just a pedestal. I don't, I don't care what's going on with your feet. I don't care if you've got bunions. I don't care if you've got Gorilla toes.

1:22:57 Drew It's something about our biology. Our eyes won't even, just don't.

1:23:00 Adam Not interested.

1:23:02 Drew You're on the next person.

1:23:03 Adam Never get below the vagina.

1:23:04 Drew Then your eyes go somewhere else if they don't like what it sees. You know what I'm saying?

1:23:07 Adam That's right.

1:23:07 Drew Into the shoes, the shoes.

1:23:08 Adam Yeah, yeah, we don't, we're not like, we're not going, oh man, look at that big hook nose and she got that weird fang tooth and oh man, the saggy boobs and the beer gut. Ooh, look at those pumps. A lot of shoes. Well, it takes a big man to admit when he's wrong.

1:23:26 Drew Ha ha ha ha ha.

1:23:29 Adam Hello. Yeah, no, we don't care. We don't care about all the crap you guys care about. I don't know who.

1:23:36 Drew That's the point, they care about stuff so assume that your brain works the same, it doesn't.

1:23:39 Adam Oh, and then the purse. We don't care about the purse.

1:23:42 Drew We don't care about the smells as much as they do either.

1:23:44 Adam No.

1:23:45 Guest No.

1:23:46 Adam No.

1:23:48 Guest They care about my smells, but I don't care about theirs.

1:23:50 Adam Yeah, we don't care about that.

1:23:51 Drew Yeah, but they're busy with the perfume.

1:23:53 Adam You know what I think we don't really care about? We don't care about jewelry. I mean, look, just a couple little hoops in the earring, maybe a chain or something, good enough. A ring, we don't need anything much. We don't care. We don't need big chandeliers dangling from the ears or anything.

1:24:08 Drew Preferably not.

1:24:09 Adam Yeah, sort of the less is more with the jewelry in general. Wouldn't you say?

1:24:14 Guest I don't get the whole flowers thing either. Like when you're at a restaurant and there's a girl that walks by with flowers. But then you gotta carry them around like. The chick has to carry them around all day.

1:24:26 Drew We don't have a flower section of our brain.

1:24:28 Adam And talk about extortion.

1:24:29 Drew I know.

1:24:30 Adam The chick comes by. And by the way, what kind of restaurant owners letting that vermin in the door, that bloodsucker, cause they extortionist with a basket comes around. Flowers, and you're like, you gotta go like, no thanks. It should look like an ale. And it's tough.

1:24:48 Drew Or even if you go for them, it's you go through that awkward thing. No, no, you don't have to. No, let me do it. No, no, yeah. Yeah.

1:24:53 Guest Why?

1:24:54 Drew No, we don't have to. I'd love flowers. Oh, come on.

1:24:57 Guest There's 10 bucks just to go away and don't come back.

1:25:00 Adam Yeah, well, by the way, who lets people, and by the way, where's our thing? Where's our dude who comes around like-

1:25:07 Drew Tevo.

1:25:09 Guest VCR.

1:25:10 Adam Maybe he's pedaling like Armor All or something we could use to detail our car with or something. You know, just-

1:25:17 Drew Yeah, like we could walk by the poor and imagine that.

1:25:19 Adam Yeah, DVD, yeah, Taboo 3, anything? Yeah, where's our person that pedals crap? Use something, Leatherman, whoo, nice, honey, thank you.

1:25:30 Drew Knives.

1:25:31 Adam All right, a knife, yeah, a nice buck knife. Even some cool sunglasses or something or maybe just one of those Mexican marionette puppets or something we could play with, you know? Novelty stuff like some kind of-

1:25:46 Drew The finger lift.

1:25:47 Adam The finger, yeah, the Russian, the Chinese finger trap thing.

1:25:53 Drew Or perhaps we could, you know, pull snaps.

1:25:55 Adam Some blanks or some poppers or something. How about some amyl nitrate or something?

1:25:59 Drew Oh, that one.

1:26:00 Adam Yeah, for the gays.

1:26:01 And smoke bombs.

1:26:02 Adam Yeah, something. Where's our stuff? All right, let's take a little break. We'll be right. Back. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline Bam and Ryan here from Viva La Bam. Sunday nights, nine o'clock on MTV. Andy Richter will be in here as well as Jack Osborne next week and Bill Moore. Wait a minute, Jay Moore.

1:26:42 Drew Jay Moore.

1:26:43 Adam Where's Bill Moore? Oh, Bill Moore. And then there's a Moir somewhere out there too. All right, let's get back to the phones. We really got to help the kids tonight. Scott?

1:26:54 Caller Yeah.

1:26:55 Adam You're 22? What's up?

1:26:58 Caller Oh, I'm just wondering, me and my girlfriend, you know, we've only been actually sexually active for about eight months now. She just lost her virginity last year. And but even before that, you know, like we've, you know, been other, you know, just besides the actual intercourse part of sex. And when she's had orgasms, it's almost been like we've, like we've, what we've thought before was that, you know, like we should have an orgasm, sometimes you'd be urinating. And I actually looked up on the internet with some stuff and like found like the one website that I looked at said that the ejaculation fluid almost can be like urine, but it's not.

1:27:34 Drew And they also, and there also can be orgasmic incontinence. Women can pee during orgasm. There's both.

1:27:42 Caller So it could be either or.

1:27:44 Drew Yeah. You kind of know what it's urine though.

1:27:46 Caller Well, yeah, cause some, cause sometimes it's like that really like thin, you know, like urine, like almost like watery, like fluid and it has the similar smell. And then sometimes when she has an orgasm will be more, the more thicker, you know, like the more thicker fluid that will come out and obviously not urine, you know, that's that's number two.

1:28:04 Adam You know, I don't know why I'm just picturing the pool guy who dips the thing in and then shakes the little vial and holds it up to the sun and yeah, we're a little low on diatomaceous earth. Yeah, maybe, maybe you need a little, maybe you should do a little, get a little sample and run it.

1:28:19 Drew As you do, take vitamins, turn your urine all yellow and oh, oh, oh, here's something Drew will attest to eat asparagus. I know because of you, I know because of me, I eat a lot of asparagus. Adam eats a bushel of asparagus and knocks me out of the restroom when I'm in there.

1:28:36 Adam I will be, I will be in the stall. Drew is a good, good distance away, four or five feet away, yeah, mine in his own business and all of a sudden he starts bellowing.

1:28:47 Drew Oh my God.

1:28:48 Adam And he knows when I've converted.

1:28:50 Drew It's this old strong ammonia pee.

1:28:52 Adam It's perfume to me, I love it.

1:28:53 Caller Is there anything you like causing that?

1:28:56 Drew Her situation?

1:28:57 Caller The one and not the other more?

1:29:00 Adam Well, yeah, I don't know, maybe she's doing both. Either way. Sounds fun.

1:29:04 Drew It's fine, it's all good, it's her.

1:29:06 Caller Sometimes it'll be like.

1:29:09 Adam He wants to describe it. Eat the asparagus, that's a definitive raw, if you eat raw asparagus too, that'll, forget about it. It's huge. You guys do that? You should do that. That's great.

1:29:22 Guest I do it quite often.

1:29:23 Adam Like for me, I'm usually like, well, I love my farts, but I'm sort of lukewarm on my urine. Like, it's okay, I could take it or leave it, but when I eat that asparagus, I'm in love with my urine.

1:29:33 Guest I don't even like the asparagus that much, I just do it to piss people off.

1:29:36 Adam Oh, I'm allergic to it. I wanted anaphylactic shock last time I did it, but I had to do it just because, you know, I love the smell so much.

1:29:44 Guest It's like farting in elevators.

1:29:47 Caller Trevor? Yeah, hey, how's it going everybody? I just want to say first off, I read Drew's book and it was great, man.

1:29:54 Caller You know, I just think there's too many dumb people out there.

1:29:56 Adam Yeah.

1:29:58 Drew God bless you. I'm starting to feel it. I'm coming back.

1:30:00 Adam Yeah. With the minute left in the show, he's coming back, everybody. Go ahead, Trevor.

1:30:07 Drew Trevor?

1:30:09 Adam Here's Trevor's qu- All right.

1:30:11 Drew There we are. There we are. There he is. Go ahead. He came back, then he left.

1:30:16 Adam No, he didn't. And Drew, why do you got to save him? He hung up. That was me. That was the echo of my own voice. All right. Here's Trevor's question. Uh, Drew's book sucked. No. Uh, bam. Will you do the cross-country car race again this year? Was it fun?

1:30:33 Guest Actually, we were supposed to do that, uh, gumball in- What was it? Uh, it was going to Africa, but I can't remember.

1:30:40 Guest You actually never did it in the first place, right? Did you ever do the gumball?

1:30:43 Adam No. The gumball rally is, uh, the one that goes from, uh, I think it goes from the East Coast and ends up at the Tennis Beach or something.

1:30:49 Guest Well, it changes every year. Last year, I went from San Francisco to Miami, and then this year it goes from Paris through, uh, through Spain over the Strait of Gibraltar to North Africa.

1:30:58 Drew That says the European version of this.

1:30:59 Guest Well, it started over in Europe. You get Maximilian Cooper from London started.

1:31:03 Drew Morocco or something.

1:31:04 Guest Yeah. And then you end in Cannes, France.

1:31:05 Drew Was the TV show associated with this?

1:31:07 Guest Uh, they made a movie. Yeah, the last one is, is actually releasing in a couple weeks.

1:31:13 Guest I think you were talking about the special on Jackass.

1:31:17 Guest Yeah.

1:31:17 Adam Now, but the, the, I mean, they've always had these rallies all throughout the, the world. But, uh, I'm trying to think of the, uh, I'm going to think of the guy's name during the commercial. It started out here, but it's, it's really people, you know, you think it's just something that was done in the movies, but I mean, getting ambulances, cannonball and, and gumball and, and, and a cross gun. And what kind of car did you do it in?

1:31:43 Guest Uh, my car didn't make it out there. So I just rented a Cadillac and just went a good 110 miles an hour the whole time.

1:31:47 Guest Really?

1:31:48 Adam Did you get pulled over a few times?

1:31:49 Guest Yeah.

1:31:49 Guest I lost my license for like 10 years, but I got it back eventually. But yeah. And in the stretch of like 10 miles, I got pulled over doing 110 while cars are cruising past me doing like 190. I was pretty pissed.

1:31:59 Guest Wow.

1:31:59 Guest Man, there's, there are like rich dudes that they just look forward to just flying out like a crazy, like McLaren F1 or something.

1:32:09 Adam And then like, yeah, it's amazing. And one of the guys actually showed up here and it's a, it was saying McLaren F1. It's like a 500, maybe $800,000.

1:32:19 Guest And then they just wreck them and then they just go out and buy like a Lamborghini at the dealership in Dallas or something. Keep going. Yeah.

1:32:27 Adam It's one of those rich guy things. You couldn't do that. No.

1:32:31 Drew Even if I were a rich guy.

1:32:33 Adam Too big a puss. Yeah. Yeah.

1:32:35 Drew Puss?

1:32:36 Adam Yeah. Puss. Or wuss. You're going to get technical. We're going to take a quick break. We'll be right back. 1-877-889-DATE Hey everybody. Well there you go. That's the show. I want to thank Bam and Ryan for coming in here tonight. Viva la Bam. MTV, Sunday Nights, nine o'clock. I want to thank Junior, Producer, Lauren, for doing a great job all week. Producer Anne for doing a fantastic job. Phone screener Brian for making it all possible. And of course, the magic fingered one, Engineer Anderson. He's gay. Putting his stink all over the show. I want to thank second engineer, engineer Chris. Lives at his mom's house and still has a smile on his face. A lot of man. Found out went to junior college, by the way. One class. Got to set the alarm because it's at 12.45. All right. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo.

1:34:21 Drew I'm going to keep doing this until you say hi to me. Oh yeah. No way. No way.

1:34:31 This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on the show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors or this station. The producer for Loveline is Annie Gold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

Episode Feedback

Thursday, April 29, 2004