Episode 1000609243889

0:16 Adam Dr. Drew, board certified physician. Dishes, baths, and bad about. Dr. Drew, playing a little paintball today with the kiddies.

0:24 Drew You imagine that?

0:25 Adam Sort of.

0:26 Drew Should I have called you?

0:27 Adam No, I had to work.

0:29 Drew Would you have come if you weren't working?

0:31 Adam Yeah, oh yeah. I would have come if I wasn't working.

0:34 Drew It's pretty cool. It's amazing to watch males, down to the age of 11, turn into commandos in like 4 seconds. An authority structure develops, a whole behavior system, a team.

0:45 Adam An adrenaline's pumping, right?

0:47 Drew Big time.

0:49 Adam Oh, my eye? I had ingrown hair in my denture to pick it out with a needle.

0:54 Drew That can get kind of serious.

0:56 Adam Yeah, I got a little infected or something.

0:59 Drew I don't know what's wrong with it. Seriously, that goes right back to the brain.

1:02 Adam That's all right.

1:03 Drew Hot towels on there.

1:04 Adam Hot towels? Really?

1:07 Drew And if tomorrow you wake up with a big one, it's got to be an antibiotic. Possibly IV.

1:11 Adam I'll tell you how I sterilize stuff. I do that thing where I take the bottle of rubbing alcohol and I actually just bend my head down and put the opening on whatever area is and I just lean back and just slash it on there and then lean forward and it drips back in. That's how I do it.

1:25 Drew It's how a pirate does it. This is the one time your genius may have done you in.

1:30 Adam Well, I don't know what to do.

1:31 Drew No kidding.

1:32 Adam I had an ingrown hair that was like right about, I'll do it on the other side, it was right, it was in my eyebrow. It was the bottom of my eyebrow and it was like ingrown and it felt like a little hard pee under there for two weeks, you know? Now here's the thing about an ingrown hair. It's not like a zit. It's there until you get that hair out of there. And it keeps growing. It's crazy.

1:52 Drew It's like the picture of Dorian Gray. How do you know it isn't a cyst?

1:56 Adam I don't know. Look, because it was right off the bros, right where the hair thing was. That one there my whole life. Right.

2:03 Drew I didn't eat it, so I did.

2:04 Adam Here's the point. At a certain point, you got to go after it. Enough is enough. So I go for my piercing. You know, I take my lance and I lance it. But I wasn't hitting pay dirt this time. And I think I irritated this thing. And then it kind of like was rolling. And I start wrenching on it. And it says there's like a little hair or something in there.

2:27 Drew No, but you've been smoking crack. You know the speed. You think there are hairs in your skin.

2:31 Adam I'll tell you what makes you pick at stuff when it's sitting there for goddamn two weeks, not doing anything. It's not inflamed. It's just like a little... Hey, you got one.

2:39 Drew That's not an ingrown hair.

2:40 Adam You got ingrown hair.

2:41 Drew That's not ingrown hair.

2:42 Adam Hey, Chris, you see Drew's ingrown hair? It's right where my ingrown hair is.

2:46 Drew That's why I'm showing you. That's why I'm showing it to you. These are cysts developed really commonly.

2:50 Adam You got a cyst, brother.

2:51 Drew I do, yeah.

2:51 Adam You better watch that.

2:52 Drew They're hard to take out. They leave scars. You just leave them alone.

2:55 Adam Don't take a needle to it.

2:56 Drew No kidding. I'm staring at that pus pocket around your eyeball tonight. I won't be thinking about doing anything to my eye.

3:01 Adam It hurts.

3:02 Drew It's so dangerous.

3:04 Adam Why is it dangerous?

3:05 Drew Because it goes right into your central nervous system.

3:07 Adam Yeah, everything's dangerous with you. All right. All right, Mr. Danger. Playing paintball? What is that? That's good for your health?

3:15 Drew No, it's a good time.

3:16 Adam You take one of those cow markers right in the tonsils when you're yawning. Pow! Goes right to your brain.

3:21 Drew No, you have tons of gear on. Tons.

3:23 Adam Yeah, what are you wearing? Drew, so how many hours to paintball do you get into?

3:27 Drew Four hours.

3:28 Adam Four hours?

3:29 Drew Yeah, diving, rolling and stuff.

3:31 Adam You're exhausted, right?

3:33 Drew You have no idea when you're in it.

3:35 Adam I told you.

3:35 Drew You have no idea.

3:36 Adam The adrenaline kicks in. All you can think about is not getting shot.

3:39 Drew That's all. And or shooting somebody else. There's a simultaneous thing that's extra intense.

3:46 Adam Did you have a good gun? You have the hopper up there?

3:48 Drew Yeah.

3:49 Adam Fire and squeezing them off?

3:51 Drew Yeah. I mean, it's so many different games. I can't. I don't know where to start.

3:54 Adam But you're cheap.

3:56 Drew No, we kept buying more and more. It's very expensive.

3:59 Adam It's true. I could see it like a nickel, a trigger. You'd be going like five, 10, 20, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 40. We're at a dollar. We're at a dollar. Oh, we're fast approaching five dollars.

4:10 Drew Right?

4:11 Adam Yeah, like you're just hearing like a cash register sound during the gun fight, right?

4:17 Drew It was a lot of fun, though. Really, you build teams, you get to know people. I swear to God, if I were going to form like a business team.

4:22 Adam That's how you do it.

4:23 Drew That's how I would do it. You'd pick those guys. No, no, no. I would just, I would take that group to paintball. And in an hour, you'd have a team.

4:30 Adam Yeah.

4:31 Drew You would know more about each other than you'd know from 18 hours.

4:34 Adam Instead of doing like one of these motivational weekends. Get some paintball.

4:39 Drew You should, the man show guys and stuff you had, you should just take them on paintball and set. You would have known everybody. Everything, you immediately know everybody's strengths and weaknesses, but they can't, they can't do, you know, who the authority structure is. And it functions as a unit.

4:54 Adam All right. It's very fun. Hooked on paintball. He'll never do it again, by the way. It's a way of life.

5:01 Drew He'll never do it again. I was telling Adam, there's three kinds of guys there. There's like 500 guys. There's a huge, huge, these paintball lands. I mean, it's unbelievable. Hundreds of guys look like Marines. A quarter of the guys look like the comic strip bookstore, comic book store owner from the San-Sans.

5:21 Adam Yeah, there's, you know, it's a weird thing that the nerds are into, which is combat. Yeah.

5:27 Drew They've got to be big, though.

5:28 Adam Medieval type. Yeah, these are guys-

5:30 Drew And they carry the most outrageous weapons.

5:33 Adam It all, it goes into their toys, yeah, and it's, and these guys are long past the days of trying to stay in shape and get laid in six-pack abs and, you know, they just wear their hair in ponytails like a bizarre facial hair. 280 memo.

5:46 Drew 280 memo.

5:47 Adam 280, they call the guys 280 Pee-Wee in the group because they run about 370. That's right.

5:54 Drew And then the other, the other 45%- Not as good as Pee-Wee. Are all Be Real from Cypress Hill.

6:01 Adam Really?

6:02 Drew All the rest of the guys are that.

6:03 Adam Just the Hesher's looking to burn a little THC.

6:05 Drew Absolutely. And it's funny, watch the video.

6:07 Adam Poor, sort of, life's a video. It's like a real-life video game that they're in. And you know they get baked before they do it too.

6:12 Drew Well, they show you a video before, and it's like, no drugs or alcohol, all out, all drugs and alcohol. Enjoy them afterwards. Enjoy your drugs afterwards. But no, we'll put you in jail if we find them on the park.

6:23 Adam Yeah. So these guys are getting baked. And when you get baked, well, here's the thing, it's like when you get baked and you get one of those like car simulator, race car things and stuff, you're not in a simulator. You're on the track. And imagine you get baked and you go have a paintball skirmish. You're a NAMM.

6:40 Drew As one of my sons said, he goes, he's talking to his sister, he goes, Polina, imagine it's the Revolutionary War, except you're there. You're in it. It's like.

6:47 Revolutionary War.

6:50 Adam Except for your musket fires a hundred rounds a minute instead of taking 20 minutes. I had that whole, that whole loading that musket. Imagine that. Disaster. Should we get to the phones? I want to give everyone a heads up, which is I'm hosting this Comedy Central two hour birthday bar mitzvah bash or something. It's on Comedy Central tonight, but I don't know when it's on. Danielle. You're 17. What's up?

7:21 Caller Well, I was with this guy for three years and we had broken up about six months ago. And after we had broken up, we started fooling around again.

7:31 Drew Say that again. You're with the guy how long?

7:32 Adam Three years.

7:33 Drew And you broke up how long ago?

7:34 Caller Six months ago.

7:36 Drew How old is he?

7:37 Caller 20.

7:42 Drew Just imagine for a second, when you started dating him, he was your age and you were 14.

7:48 Caller Yep.

7:48 Drew How'd you have to date a 14 year old now?

7:50 Caller That would be so awkward.

7:53 Drew How about one of your peers dating a 14 year old?

7:56 Caller I probably wouldn't be okay with it.

7:58 Drew That's who this guy is.

8:00 Caller Yeah.

8:01 Drew Not that you're so special.

8:02 Adam It's three years, though. I mean, it's not 11 years.

8:05 Drew But it was a 14 year old, that's the point.

8:07 Adam It's a little weird.

8:09 Drew A lot weird. Just think about that when you're thinking about staying away from this guy.

8:15 Adam I'll tell you what makes it weird is if you're all in the same school, like I said, this is the problem with this ninth grade through senior BS. If you're a ninth grader in your school and you're a senior, that's about the age difference we're talking about. And they go to the same classes you do.

8:32 Drew I understand it happens, but I just want to put it in perspective a little bit.

8:36 Adam How are you supposed to tell high schoolers not to date high schoolers? Do you know what I'm saying?

8:42 Drew I understand what you're saying, but freshmen look like freshmen when you're a senior. Hey, think about it, Danielle. You want to date some freshmen? Go ahead.

8:51 Adam I'm just saying back in my day, we went seventh, eighth, ninth, and then we went to high school. I don't think it's... And no one ever brings this up. But I don't think it's the world's greatest plan to put 14-year-old chicks in with 17, 18-year-old dudes who idolize these guys.

9:08 Drew That's right.

9:09 Adam Right?

9:09 Drew Yeah, I'm with you. So, Daniel, so you're back with him again?

9:13 Caller Well, kind of. Like, he has a girlfriend right now. So we're kind of like, you know, trying to like hide it and whatever, but...

9:21 Drew Hide what? Hide what?

9:22 Caller Hide our relationship.

9:23 Drew Their love. Oh, you're back. You're not in a relationship because he has a girlfriend.

9:27 Caller Oh, yeah.

9:28 Drew So he's just exploiting you the way he used to when you were underage. Just a new kind of exploitation, Daniel. Now you're just the other woman.

9:37 Which sucks, and I hate it.

9:38 Drew Yeah, well, this guy's an asshole.

9:40 Adam So just break up.

9:41 Drew Yes, he is. He may not seem like it, but he is.

9:44 Adam Oh, don't listen to Drew. Look, who cares? Don't get pregnant, because that will really be...

9:49 Drew Daniel's not that one. She's not the one.

9:51 Adam That'll be the legacy this guy leaves behind. Well, she's under this guy's spell. The less he pays attention to you, the more he screws you over, the more attractive he is.

10:01 Drew No, why do you have to be exploited? That's the relationship you must have is the exploitation. Why?

10:06 Oh, I have no idea. I don't know.

10:10 Drew No. Who do you think you're talking to?

10:13 Adam Where's your dad?

10:15 Um, here.

10:17 I don't know.

10:20 Adam All right. Is he good? Do you love him?

10:22 Caller Um, no.

10:24 Adam What's the matter?

10:26 Caller Why? No, he's an alcoholic, and he treats him like he's an alcoholic.

10:30 Adam Oh.

10:30 Drew I think you've treated people like S. That's basically what you've reproduced here.

10:34 Adam Yeah. He also dropped the S bomb.

10:37 Drew Look. So anyway, so there you go. There's your model for how men and women relate, and you're hell bent on recreating that in your own love life. That's good times.

10:45 Adam Yeah. That's great. There you go, daddy.

10:48 Drew Stop it.

10:49 Adam I don't know if you can stop it. How about she goes to Alateen?

10:52 Drew Yeah. That would certainly be very helpful. Look.

10:54 Adam Okay. So, Danielle, you called us. You want to know our opinion. We told it to you, and then we're giving you some advice, which is go to an Alateen meeting. Or just ignore it all and get on with your miserable life. But let me just tell you something, everybody. Seven. Let me impart some wisdom in all you retards out there. 16, 17, 18. These are the launching pad numbers. You will get sent in a trajectory that you may take to the grave. I swear to Christ, you idiots.

11:24 Drew You will. And you're either going to hit your orbit or you're going to end up in the Pacific Ocean. That's it.

11:28 Adam No. No. No, it's not you will. Most of my friends got going in a stupid direction that took them about 20 years to straighten it out. Okay. But there is still a crappy 20 years.

11:40 Drew Their orbit is a different orbit than it would have been had they hit the orbit they were if they'd set the right trajectory at 1617.

11:48 Adam But you're saying you're saying you're saying to the grave you're saying forever.

11:52 Drew The trajectory you choose at that age will affect you to your grave. I will stand by that.

11:58 Adam All right. Well, that's just that you're hiding behind a technicality. Look, look, look, I had a crappy trajectory. I'm fine. Oh, how dare you. I could buy and sell you and sell you. How about I just buy you? That's enough. Right. No, no. As you could sell, I could buy that car and sell it. Yeah. I know. Yeah. You got the pink slip. That's how it works. Do it the next day if you want. Look, yes, Drew is right that most people, once they take that crappy trajectory, they just go, they take it to the grave.

12:34 Drew In some respect. The orbit just is different than if it hit the orbit there, it should be able to.

12:38 Adam No, no. Now I'm not agreeing with you again. What I'm saying is, would you just agree with me? Most people, they'll take it to the grave. Handful of people can change and have fruitful lives. Yes, they'll have memories and experiences and might have some scars, but they will they can straighten their lives out. Here's the deal. Why F around at 16, 17, 18? Why do that? Why get in these horrible patterns? Why pick up heroin? Why experiment with this stuff? Why have the unprotected sex where you get knocked up and get the kid at 18? Why go down that path? Because the whole thing about that path too is you just, you just, you gather momentum.

13:19 Drew You know, I've been, I'm preparing for this next book. I'm hoping to write.

13:23 Adam Barely done with the last one.

13:25 Drew I know. And come out and pay a break in the fall, by the way. And I've been reading a lot of philosophy and myth and stuff like that. I'm realizing that people, the way they got people to sort of come around in the old days was with myth. It's like, if you don't, here's what'll happen. If you, you know, we're, we're trying to talk to you rationally. Maybe we ought to, if we could tell stories, Adam, just mythological stories about Zeus or Imhotep or something. Maybe then they'd listen to us.

13:53 Adam I got it. I got them. I look, you know, I grew up in a place and once in a while I sit down with my friends and talk about all our, uh, some buddies and some just guys we knew a lot of them are dead. I had this conversation recently, some AIDS, a lot of like motorcycle accidents, whatever drug overdoses, I bet all addict alcoholics, uh, most, most well true. You could, you know, you, you could, you could talk the pope into thinking he had a problem with heroin, uh, not by our standards. But that's certainly by your weak standards. Yes. The point is, is it, it's, uh, not everyone makes it to a 30 and, uh, you start, you know, log enough miles on a motorcycle loaded, you're probably not going to, probably not going to do it.

14:38 Drew By the way, think about this of all the young people, you know, that died, although they died, some of them died of AIDS, none of them died of random medical diseases. Now they all died of things directly related to their mental health.

14:53 Adam Yeah.

14:53 Drew A hundred percent.

14:54 Adam Yeah. Well, things they brought on themselves.

14:56 Drew Because of behaviors.

14:57 Adam That's right. All right, everybody. Kevin. Yeah. You're 16? What's up?

15:05 Caller Yeah, I've noticed for the last couple of months, I've developed sort of man boobs and I don't know how I got them and I want to know how I can get rid of them.

15:14 Drew Both sides equal?

15:15 Caller Yeah. Yeah. Not far enough apart that I can tell.

15:20 Drew Adam, translate that one for me.

15:22 Adam He can't tell because they're like eight inches apart so he can't do a side by side taste test on his boobs. I see.

15:28 Drew He can't do water displacement simultaneously.

15:31 Adam Right.

15:32 Drew Kevin, 16 is a little old to be getting this sort of naturally. It's something that happens around 13, 14 when the adrenal glands produce some estrogen just as your testosterone is kind of coming on board. The way to get that sustained until 16 is smoking a lot of pot.

15:47 Caller Yeah, I've been doing that since I was like 13.

15:50 Drew Well, there you go. So now here's how you get rid of them. Stop smoking pot. Stop smoking pot.

15:55 Caller Yeah. And they'll just go away?

15:57 Adam No.

15:57 Drew They will. Yes, they generally will.

15:58 Adam You got a genetic predisposition for the man.

16:01 Drew And they will generally go away at this age if you stop smoking pot.

16:04 Adam Stop smoking pot. And call us back in six months when you haven't smoked pot for six months. And then we'll work on plan B as far as getting rid of those man boobs.

16:14 Caller All righty.

16:15 Adam That's where you listen to the ace man. But look, quit smoking the weed anyway.

16:21 Drew And if you can't stop, you got to look into treatment because it's easy to eat.

16:26 Adam All right there, buddy.

16:27 Caller Thank you, my man.

16:28 Adam All right. Poor guys with the man boobs. You know, when you see the dudes with the man boobs that are fat, in a way it's better because it's like, well, yeah, it looks like a fat guy with his shirt off. Once in a while you get the 150 pound guy with the man boobs. That is a bad hand that is dealt.

16:48 Drew Pot's a great way to get that. Are you saying pot doesn't do that?

16:51 Adam Yeah. No, here's what I'm saying.

16:53 Drew We see that all the time.

16:54 Adam No, we don't.

16:55 Drew I see that all the time.

16:56 Adam Here's what you see. If you got a genetic predisposition to something, maybe the pot's not going to help your cause.

17:03 Drew That's 13, 14 year old. You're 16, 17. It's the pot.

17:06 Adam Really?

17:06 Drew Oh, absolutely. What do you think it doesn't do? Does the estrogen levels go crazy high, the testosterone drops?

17:12 Adam Every guy I grew up with, three quarters of them smoked a ton of weed. No one had the man boobs. Never saw it. Never saw it. Never saw it on anybody. And these guys smoked weed nonstop. So where's the man boobs?

17:27 Drew But you had guys that had crazy testosterone levels and stuff, right?

17:30 Adam Not all of them.

17:32 Drew Donnie didn't have man boobs?

17:34 Adam How dare you bring this name up? No. God knows I checked.

17:40 Drew All right.

17:41 Adam Germany or Florida. Drew, I'm telling you. I'm telling you.

17:45 Drew Well, I'm telling you. I see a lot of it. And you're right. It's not everybody that gets it. That's true.

17:51 Adam Shannon?

17:52 Yeah.

17:53 Adam You're 20?

17:53 Caller Yep.

17:54 Adam What's up?

17:55 Caller Okay. First of all, I want to say, Dr. Drew, I think you're like amazing and you're my role model. I'm in a nursing school right now and I want to go into chemical dependency when I graduate.

18:05 Drew Please read my book, correct? I'm serious.

18:07 Caller And it was very good.

18:08 Drew It really helps you as a caretaker, understand about boundaries. That's sort of the idea, the metaphor of the book is that.

18:13 Caller Actually reading that book made me go towards chemical dependency.

18:18 Drew Thank you.

18:20 Caller And I have a Germany or Florida. A mother and a boy. Germany or Florida. A mother and her boy friend tried to auction off the woman's eight-year-old daughter on eBay. They posted her picture and an item description that said you can play with her. The starting bid was $1.19. There were three bids before police were able to get the auction off the internet and the highest bid was $30.35.

18:45 Drew I kind of heard something about this.

18:47 Adam I kind of did too, but I don't know where it was from.

18:49 Drew I think it was a US thing.

18:51 Adam Feels very Floridian.

18:53 Drew Yeah.

18:54 Adam Shannon. Mm-hmm. You a big gal?

18:57 Caller Um, not really.

19:00 Adam What do you go?

19:02 Caller Okay, well, we've been through this before and you called me fat last time, so.

19:05 Adam Give it to me. I just hear it. I can hear it in my voice. Where are you going?

19:10 Caller Huh?

19:11 Adam What's your weight? What, are you smoking?

19:13 Caller Yeah. What do you weigh? I'm 5'11 and I weigh about 170.

19:20 Adam 5'11. I just, here's all in it. I went, first I heard a voice. I heard a voice. Here's what I do, here's how I work.

19:27 Drew You have a score?

19:29 Adam I start everyone at 135. Then I heard her voice. She went up to 150.

19:35 Drew What was it about her voice?

19:36 Adam It's just a full voice. Then it's a husky voice. Then she said fan of Dr. Drew. I put her at 155. Then she said read the book. 160. Then she said nursing student. I put her up to 175. And then Germany or Florida.

19:51 Drew So you overshot.

19:52 Adam Well, if I had a scale, I think I'd be right. But the Germany or Florida crank on a few. Shannon. Yeah. All right. Now we're going to make a guess. All right. I'm going to say Florida.

20:05 Drew I'll guess the same.

20:07 Caller It's Germany.

20:09 Adam Oh, oh, and one to start the new week. That's brutal, Shannon. All right, baby doll. We're going to send you out a windbreaker.

20:17 Caller Sounds good.

20:18 Adam All right, sweetie. Thanks for calling. Good luck. Keep bringing them Dr. Drew books, everybody. See boyfriend is herpes. She wear a condom during oral.

20:30 Caller He boyfriend herpes.

20:31 Adam Wait a minute.

20:32 Drew Is this a dude? Female, female.

20:33 Adam Oh, Casey's the female. That's what that F is for. Casey. What's happening, baby doll?

20:47 Caller I think I have like a problem being attracted to older men.

20:53 Adam Well, what does the herpes question have to do with anything?

20:57 Well, because he's an older man.

20:59 Caller He's not actually 16, 23.

21:02 Drew No. He's 23 with herpes.

21:05 Adam He gets more and more attractive by the minute.

21:07 Drew Yeah. Is he on heroin or just put him over the top?

21:09 Adam Still living at home. What? Driving a donkey.

21:13 Drew Playing paintball.

21:14 Adam Playing paintball. Yeah. All right. So, let's see. Well, he's 23 and you're 15.

21:22 Caller Mm-hmm.

21:24 Adam Is he your boyfriend or what is he? Well, how do you know he likes you? Who is he? Do you work with him?

21:37 No.

21:38 Drew Where did you meet him?

21:40 What?

21:41 Drew Where did you meet him?

21:42 Adam Okay. I'm done with Casey. Okay.

21:48 Drew The fact is, this is a catastrophe. Fifteen-year-old is a 23-year-old.

21:51 Adam You said, where did you meet him? My hand immediately just went for that because you're never going to get them all. You're just going to get what? And that wasn't a what. Like, I didn't hear you what. That's the stupid teenage what we get every night, which is I'm buying time or I'm watching something. All right. Look, he's 23, you're 15. He's a criminal.

22:09 Drew Period.

22:10 Adam Do not do anything with him.

22:11 Drew End of story.

22:12 Adam He should have herpes. He should have crabs. He should have AIDS. He should have hepatitis. He should have everything. And you should stay away from him.

22:18 Drew And he should have hair where his teeth should fall out and his hair should grow in its place.

22:21 Adam And his head should grow in the ground like an onion. Put Yiddish curses on this guy. He. Let's see. His. Yeah. Teeth. Yes. Teeth. Now, what was I thinking about? I don't know. He should get leopard. Leprosy. That's what he should get. He should.

22:42 Drew It's not good enough. Yiddish curse. You got to have. He should have this. And now that he should have this. He should have this and that.

22:48 Adam All right. Yes. His teeth should fall out.

22:50 Drew And then hair should grow in its place.

22:52 Adam Right. His head should grow on the ground like.

22:54 Drew With his feet up in the air.

22:55 Adam All right. We'll take ourselves a little break. When we come back. Just had a botched plastic surgery on his man boobs.

23:06 Drew Man boobs tonight.

23:07 Adam Oh, man. Boobs night. John's 27. That'll be good. All right. After this.

23:16 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191. Every hour, two Americans under the age of 25 are infected with HIV. Protect yourself. Call toll-free. 1-866-344-K-N-O-W.

23:35 Adam My man is a good partner over there, Dr. Drew. Here we go. Hoppin back on the phones. Who do we got comin up here? Yeah, we got Sharon Osborne's comin in tomorrow. She's a funny little lassie. Talk to her about her trials and tribulations. I'll tell you what, strong woman, Drew. You know, I tell you, I do a lot of kiddin on the radio, that Sharon Osborne's a strong, strong lady. Strong lady. Strong lady, Drew. And likes to shop, I'll tell you what. Passionate. Passionate, passionate, passionate woman and a dear, dear, dear, dear friend of the shows. And not only the shows, but Dr. Drew. So she's comin in tomorrow, and I haven't looked forward to that. We hop back on the phone, speak to John over here. It's 722-22 after seven. We hop on the phone to speak to John, that's 38 away from the top there. We'll speak to John over here on line three. John? 27, having a little problem with man boobs.

24:40 Well, I'm hoping I can get a good answer from you guys because I had a bot surgery, and I seem to not have any luck getting a straight answer from the medical community or the legal community.

24:51 Drew Yeah, what's the question?

24:53 Well, I have gynecomastia, and...

24:56 Drew For what, any particular reason?

24:59 Puberty.

25:01 Drew You got a bad hand down, bad hand down.

25:03 Adam Bad hand down.

25:04 Drew Are you overweight?

25:06 No.

25:07 Drew Okay, so you're just one of those people that had that.

25:08 Adam Did you smoke a lot of pot?

25:10 No, no.

25:11 Caller Shocking, shocking.

25:13 Drew Were you just, okay, keep going.

25:16 It's from puberty, believe me. I've been evaluated. That's fine. In going to get this taken care of, I got a couple of consults from other plastic surgeons, and they all said that they were- Nice rack. No, an excision with liposuction. The doctor I ended up going with said he could do it with just liposuction, and it was a lot cheaper. Well, he got in there with the cannula, and he found out he couldn't get out the, there's like a harder tissue in there underneath the fat. And when I healed up, I basically look exactly the same. So my thing is I figure that he should have to fix it for free.

25:54 Drew No, no way you'll get that. No way.

25:57 Adam Really?

25:58 Drew No way.

25:59 Adam Well, no, no, what about the part where, okay.

26:02 Drew There's no guarantees with any medical procedure.

26:04 Adam Did you, you paid.

26:05 Probably he did guarantee it for me, basically.

26:08 Drew What did he guarantee?

26:09 I mean, I said, look, other doctors said that it would take an excision plus liposuction. Are you sure you can do it with just liposuction? And he said, absolutely.

26:17 Drew He was sure. He was, he was wrong. He was wrong. There are no guarantees. There are no guarantees with any medical procedures. Doctors are often wrong. And that's the nature of being in the medical system. Unfortunately, every time you interact with the physician, you risk harm. Not just not getting what you want, but actually harm.

26:35 Adam Yeah, Drew's mostly wrong. Hey, John. Yeah. Did you pay him?

26:41 Caller Yes.

26:42 Adam So you paid him in full.

26:45 Caller Yes.

26:46 Drew See, I think what you can do is... That's the part you can negotiate sometimes.

26:52 Adam Yeah, now, it well...

26:53 Drew You say, hey, I didn't get what I wanted. If you don't dismiss this fee, I'm going to sue you for, I don't know, something.

27:00 Adam Why did you pay him in full, by the way?

27:02 Because pretty much every plastic surgeon required everything in advance.

27:06 Adam Oh, they pay in full in advance.

27:09 Drew I would think if you wanted to go through that, the problem is that as soon as you get an attorney involved, whatever you might sort of recoup from this, essentially all of it will go to the attorney.

27:18 Why is he thinking about doing it on myself in small claims?

27:20 Adam Well, how much did you pay him?

27:23 About 3,000.

27:24 Adam About 3,000. And he charged you for the liposuction procedure, even though he never did it, or he did it and then realized it wasn't going to help.

27:37 He sucked some fat out, but then there's this harder tissue that can be sucked in.

27:41 Adam Right, so in his mind is like, look, I charged you for 3,000 to do lipo.

27:45 Drew I did it.

27:46 Adam I opened you up, I did all the lipo I could do.

27:48 Drew It didn't work.

27:49 Adam And I closed you back up.

27:50 Drew Yeah.

27:50 Adam And that's what I charged you 3,000 for.

27:52 Drew Right, didn't have the desired result, but I did what I said I was going to do.

27:56 Adam Right, so here's, that's the problem. If he did a lipo, even if it was, I guess a light lipo.

28:03 Drew No, it just didn't have the desired result.

28:05 Adam Well, I understand, but maybe he didn't take out as much lipo tissue as he thought he was going to do.

28:11 He realized he goofed as I was coming out of it. He kind of said to me, oh, there was some harder tissue in there. I just couldn't get out through the cannula, so.

28:17 Drew Right, and I don't know. Right, that's correct. Hopefully it'll look good.

28:22 Adam But the point is.

28:23 Drew Thank God he didn't do more, it hurt you.

28:24 Adam You paid him for a lipo, he did a lipo. He was wrong. It's bad times for you, but yeah, I don't really see a lawsuit. I just, unless your dad's an attorney, wants to do some pro bono work for his kid, I just can't see it.

28:41 So now, gotta take the hit then.

28:44 Adam Well, what you could do is, depending on what you think of the guy, is go back and go, look, I feel like I didn't get the desired result.

28:51 Drew Yeah, would you mind taking this out?

28:52 Adam What about the hard tissue? Can we talk? What can we do with this? I mean, hopefully the guy'll have some sympathy.

28:59 Drew Yes, and say, can you, for some kind of markedly reduced rate, will you finish this procedure, please, since you set out to do it, you were wrong, you misled me, I feel, I'm gonna talk about you negatively, and I'm not gonna feel good about this, if you wanna have a, right, to retain your sort of reputation, I would think you'd wanna make this right. That's all.

29:16 Adam He's calling from Wyoming?

29:18 Drew Yeah, it's amazing.

29:20 Adam Yeah, you gotta come out to LA. Good Dr. Marcel get right on there. Oh, that laser, that Dr. Marcel. Oh.

29:28 Drew Yeah, by the way, you got charged for that laser. What'd that do for you?

29:38 Adam I should sue Dr. Marcel. Hey, I got them. First off that effing, you know, his office is as 7,000 nautical miles from my house. Secondly, he's like, yeah, come by. We got the lady with the laser. Now here was the plan. You get a neck rash down here like a black man does. You got that curly hair on your neck. It grows different directions. We'll just laser that, it'll fall out. You'll never shave there again. Thus end of rash. All right, so I hold my ass all the way down there. By the way, laser, painful. On the Adam's apple, painful. I don't think it would be bad if you're getting a tattoo removed from the meaty part of your shoulder, but when it's wanking on your Adam's apple, it hurts. Very uncomfortable. Get that stuff burned away. Then walk around looking like a sunburn on my neck. By the way, charge me full price. And hair, nah, didn't fall out. And then next time, two sessions, all I did was get horrible ingrown hairs when the ones that fell out grew back, this time way underneath the skin instead of already hanging out a little. So, yeah, it was a couple hundred bucks, a lot of driving, a burnt neck, quite a bit of pain. And the end result was huge ingrown hairs all over my neck as this disaster started to grow back. And, Drew, as you can see, oh yeah, the laser.

30:58 Drew There's nothing there except the huge beard. Oh my God.

31:02 Adam What's going on with these lasers? And where's my money and who do I sue? Oh, the laser. BS. Kiss my ass with this laser. I swear to Christ, it didn't do a goddamn thing. Yeah, I could have got the hair off the little lighter fluid. Sure, you burn it off, it goes away. Course, you burned it. Then it comes back. And you know, there was that, there was, you know, there's, there's that, it's always that, that, that, that shady, murky shade of gray where, well, sometimes it takes multiple, but not everybody. People with more melanin in them. If you got a really, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, where's that Marcel? Where's my money? You know how to do, how to get him to pond one of those, just one pinky ring. Just one.

31:57 Drew On your behalf.

31:57 Adam Just one pinky ring, get my money back for that stupid lady. Not only I want my money, I want my gas money too. I wasted a whole goddamn day driving over there. Took a whole goddamn day to have this witch from some Baltic Republic that I've strapped down like a bond, like it was like James Bond. She was like a Bond villain going up my neck with this goddamn laser. Nothing. You know what it would have been? Here's what it's basically. Here's what it's equivalent. Someone said, look, give me $150, drive your car in a circle around your block for two hours, then get out, I'm gonna hit you with an oar in the stomach and then drive in a circle for another two hours and then go back home. That was the procedure. The oar would have been better because it would have just been one shot.

32:46 Drew Pain and suffering, see it now.

32:48 Adam Goddamn waste of the weather.

32:52 Drew Soledad, what's up?

32:54 Adam What the hell's wrong with that, Marcel?

32:56 Drew What's going on?

32:57 Caller Okay, see, like last year, my dad got married for like a year and a half ago. He got married to this girl that's like 25 or, he was 25.

33:09 Drew Hell does he?

33:10 Caller And she's 26 now and my dad's 46. And so we got along until like a month after they, like engaged, she had told my dad that she hated me and I didn't understand it.

33:25 Adam She didn't tell him that.

33:26 Caller And so like ever since then. Yeah?

33:30 Adam She didn't tell your dad she hated you.

33:32 Caller I was right next to him.

33:34 Drew And what were her words exactly? What were her words?

33:37 Caller She's like, well, you always give me problems and that stupid daughter of yours, I hate her. And I'm like, what? I started crying.

33:45 Drew She said, I hate her.

33:48 Caller And then she said that she didn't like mean it. And then I was like, okay, then why did you say it?

33:54 Adam All right. I'm just going off experience because my sister hated my stepmom and would always say stuff like that. Yeah, I would hear everything. And I was like, are you kidding? I was there. He didn't say that. Chicks, by the way, have an amazing ability to say, he said this or that. And it wasn't said. And they felt, if they feel it, then it's like the person said it. All right, so she apologized.

34:20 Caller And then after that, like we, after they got married, we all moved in. And then like she started complaining about me all the time.

34:27 Drew What does she complain? What's the problem?

34:29 Caller Like she said that, like one, she accused me of hitting her daughter.

34:33 Drew How old's her daughter?

34:35 Caller She was three, now she's four. And I wouldn't hit a kid. So it was like kind of weird. And my dad believed her.

34:43 So it was like.

34:45 Adam Well, what'd your dad do to you if he believed her? I mean, if you really believed you hit a three year old, what'd he do to you?

34:51 Caller Well, it's like, I don't know. I grew up in a home to where I got hit a lot.

34:56 Adam Did he hit you? He hit you because he thought you hit the three year old.

35:04 Caller And he like believes everything that she says. So it's like, I get in trouble for everything.

35:07 Drew Where's your mom?

35:09 Caller They're not here.

35:10 Drew Where's your mom?

35:12 Caller Oh, my real mom?

35:13 Drew Yes.

35:13 Caller She was in jail. She just got out like last week.

35:18 Adam All right. What was she in jail for?

35:20 Caller For child abuse and also shoplifting, something like that.

35:27 Drew Abusing you. Abusing you.

35:30 Caller Yeah.

35:30 Adam All right, so that, this is a, this is a super white trash behavior unless you guys are Mexicans.

35:39 Caller I'm not Mexican.

35:40 Adam All right, because I would have just been, you know.

35:42 Caller But I'm not white either.

35:44 Adam What are you?

35:45 Caller I'm actually like Spanish, which is sort of like Mexican, but it's not.

35:49 Adam That's all the same to me. Here's the point. This is, your mom's nuts, your dad's in a hole, he married someone who's not great. Everything's a mess.

36:01 Caller Yeah.

36:01 Adam Okay, so, but what do you do realistically? Okay, here, okay, here's what you need to do. Please listen to me. I am a genius, I tell you. You need to A, not do anything involving Dr. Marcel and a laser. This is a huge waste of time. Okay, no, here's seriously what you gotta do. Your dad's an a-hole, your stepmom's a bitch. I'm sure of it. Even bad people will let you go if you stay off the radar screen. Which means, don't sass them, don't rebel, don't screw with them. Yeah, don't screw with them.

36:38 Drew Don't get the piercings of the tattoos.

36:41 Adam Your attitude is gonna be to yank the chains and flip the switches.

36:46 Drew Or to do it on yourself in a way that upsets them just to even be around you.

36:49 Adam Right, and yeah, here's what you need to do. You need to be a good student. You need to do all sorts of extracurricular activities at school. Good, you sound smart. You're only 13, but you do sound smart. Now you've been through a lot.

37:02 Drew You need to get the hell out of there.

37:03 Adam If you cannot act out, you can lay low, use your friends, use your school, become very involved with the sports and all the activities and all the before school and after school programs and all that stuff with your friends, stay out of your stepmom's grill, stay out of your dad's grill, and then go far away to college and be successful.

37:28 Caller Like you said to be involved in everything and then to have my friends. And like just today, my dad was like, you don't need friends, blah, blah, blah. Oh, because some girls that I was friends with last year egged my house.

37:43 Drew So here's the deal. The one thing that will help you get through this.

37:46 Adam Yeah.

37:46 Drew Yeah, that blows apart Adam's theory completely.

37:50 Adam Yeah, you get your house egged by some of your friends, your dad's going to want you not to hang out with the eggers.

37:57 Drew Here is, believe it or not, when people have gone out and studied what gets a solo dad through her life into something productive and successful for her, as opposed to somebody who, as Adam was talking about earlier, sets a trajectory that lands up crashing in the Pacific Ocean. The way solo dad gets through is with a single positive relationship with an adult, preferably your same sex, that you continue to have contact and discussions with from now until you leave home for college. So go out there, try to find somebody, not somebody you're attracted to, not somebody exciting, not somebody you're in love with, just somebody who is stable and around for you and who seems to give a crap about what happens to you, and maintain that relationship from now with an adult, from now until you graduate high school. And that tends to make the difference between kids that make it through and those that fall victim to the history that has been so unfortunate in your case.

38:52 Adam Good luck. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. Loveline. Guess how many terrific sense acts deodorant body spray comes in?

39:05 Drew I bet six.

39:06 Adam No, it's more.

39:07 Drew Eight.

39:08 Adam No, more.

39:09 Drew Nine.

39:10 Adam No, seven. Oh, I think I screwed that up. Anyway, seven's enough, right?

39:14 Drew Seven's great.

39:14 Adam Yeah. Yeah.

39:31 Hey, everybody, it's Loveline, I'm Adam.

39:37 Adam Drew played some paintball today in the adrenaline, still coursing through his veins.

39:42 Drew Yeah, it was a good time.

39:43 Adam It's exciting.

39:44 Drew Yeah.

39:45 Adam Yeah, it's fun. People need a little of that. Yeah?

39:49 Drew Yeah.

39:50 Adam Yeah, right, I told you. I told you, you get going.

39:52 Drew Yeah, I know, I know, it's you, you. Why are you up to me, can't ride with it? I said this is good, I'm going.

39:57 Adam I think that'll be one of my things. When I'm on my deathbed, I'll think, I should have done more stretching. And I should have played more paintball.

40:04 Drew Ha ha ha ha.

40:05 Adam Cause, you know, paintball's great. It's a blast, it's fun. You know, and I got some money, I got some friends. We should go be real.

40:13 Drew The guy's really into it.

40:14 Adam Be real.

40:15 Drew Right?

40:15 Adam Yeah.

40:16 Drew He's way into it. He just plays in teams and competitions and stuff.

40:19 Adam Yeah, yeah, all right. We'll call it be real. Don't want to go paintballing. Jim.

40:25 Drew He asked us last time he was up here.

40:26 Adam I know, but you know, it's so ambitious, you know.

40:30 Drew Like I said, on your deathbed.

40:31 Adam Yeah.

40:32 Drew Yeah.

40:32 Adam Jim?

40:33 Yeah?

40:34 Adam You're 20?

40:35 Caller Yep.

40:37 Adam What's your question?

40:38 Caller My girlfriend, I think she has more of like a sexual drive when she's off of birth control.

40:45 Drew That can happen.

40:46 Caller Really?

40:48 Drew Yeah, some women, depending on which pill they're taking, and for each woman, it's different. Some women, their sex drive is suppressed by the progesterone. In fact, most often that's the case. Others, it's enhanced by that. Same is true of the estrogens. For some, the estrogen suppresses it, some it enhances it. And some are neutral. Each woman is different in how they respond to these hormones. You have to kind of find how they respond to them and what they can tolerate.

41:11 Adam Okay.

41:12 Drew And you know, maybe there's other symptoms too that she starts to become aware of when she comes off them. Like maybe she feels a little less, more tired or a little more depressed. So it's something to keep an eye on.

41:22 Adam Mm-hmm, let's talk to Amber, who's 23. Amber? Good, how are you doing?

41:29 Caller I'm doing well, thanks. I just wanted to say Dr. Drew, I love you. I think you're one of the sexiest women in America.

41:36 Drew Oh my God, Amber, call back again. Wait, no, wait, yeah, you asked.

41:42 Adam Call her a call back.

41:43 Drew Oh, you're an idiot. Oh, come on.

41:48 Adam All right, Amber, let's go. Come on, babe.

41:51 Caller I was wondering if you can use olive oil as a lubricant or if that will upset your natural flora. If that'll like irritate the skin at all.

42:02 Adam First off, if you used anything that said extra virgin on you, it would probably burst into flames when they take your vagina.

42:08 Drew No, Adam, be serious. No, it would form a little drop, it would go, are you, are you, are you, are you? And run away.

42:14 Adam Yeah. Yeah. Who is this, Mama Celeste? You don't remember, Smut? I didn't think I dated myself with a frozen pizza.

42:24 Drew Oh my God.

42:24 Adam Do they have Celeste, Mama Celeste? Is she not around anymore? Anne says yes. Chris, what the hell? Your mom does all the shopping. What are you talking about?

42:31 Drew She does all the home cooking. She's the Italian, right?

42:33 Adam Yeah, mom's Italian.

42:34 Drew Don't give that question. It is Mama Celeste.

42:36 Adam Quite down over there. Shut your own mouth.

42:38 Drew Amber, anything can upset the natural floor in there. You've heard us talk about before. And olive oil is not sort of one of the recommended lubricants, they're water-based, very inert lubricants out there.

42:50 Adam What's the definition of inert? Nothing.

42:54 Drew It doesn't interact chemically with anything.

42:56 Adam Yeah, so it's like, I guess to me, I think as a lay person, I think of organic is inert, the opposite of organic. And if you took an inert material and just sort of left it out, it would just sort of go away, but there wouldn't be fungus growing on it, right?

43:15 Drew Inert, nothing would happen.

43:17 Adam Nothing would happen.

43:18 Drew Yeah, it's inert, it's had no inertia.

43:20 Adam No, that's what I'm saying. Nothing.

43:22 Drew Nothing, it wouldn't go away, just nothing.

43:24 Adam Well, I'm saying eventually-

43:25 Drew Something could happen, yeah, it could evaporate.

43:27 Adam Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

43:28 Drew Yeah, right. It wouldn't transform into something else, it wouldn't interact with anything.

43:32 Adam Right, take a piece of bread out and eventually it starts growing moss and stuff on it.

43:36 Drew Yeah.

43:36 Adam All right, so listen, Amber, how about you just spring for some nice-

43:42 Drew K-Y, yeah.

43:43 Caller Right, right, but the problem is is when we didn't have any in the house, so I was trying to think what we could use.

43:50 Drew Ah, desperation.

43:51 Adam Olive oil would be somewhere near the top of my-

43:55 Drew List of maybes?

43:57 Adam Yeah, I mean, you start thinking Vaseline and then you start thinking 30-weight.

44:01 Drew Why do you need lubricant that badly? What are they doing? What are you doing that you need lubricant that badly?

44:07 Caller Well, it's just we had like a strawberry condom and I sucked off all of the lubricant that was on it and we didn't want to like stop and go to the store and pick up some KY in the middle of it, so.

44:21 Adam Amber's a keeper. Asked, suck the lubricant right off the flavored condom. Still good to go, out of lube. Let's hit the pantry and see what we can find.

44:33 Drew Wow, Amber.

44:35 Adam Wow. That's a gamer.

44:38 Drew Yeah, I wouldn't be in to use olive oil with a cow.

44:41 Adam She's what we call a cracker jack.

44:43 Drew Is that right?

44:44 Adam Yeah, that's what you call a cracker jack. She's good to go. She's like a MacGyver with a vagina. Kimberly?

44:54 Yes.

44:54 Adam You're 20?

44:55 Oh, you guys crack me up, yes. It's actually for Dr. Drew. Almost a month ago, I went to the bathroom and there was sort of bloody discharge and so I waited a couple of days and I called.

45:09 Drew What, blood discharge from your vagina?

45:11 Yeah.

45:12 Drew It wasn't mid-cycle bleeding? It wasn't just...

45:15 Actually, I haven't gotten my period since February, so...

45:19 Drew How can you tell a bloody discharge from just...

45:21 Well, because it wasn't a lot. Like, it was just...

45:25 Drew No, listen, Kimberly, that's just bleeding. That's just your cycle.

45:28 Adam Where'd your period go?

45:30 I have no idea.

45:32 Drew You need to get this more thoroughly evaluated. That may have just been a light period. You may not be ovulating. You may have... There's a lot of things to this. This needs to be sort of sorted out.

45:41 I did call the doctor and they're like, don't worry about it. If it gets worse, call us back.

45:46 Drew You shouldn't worry about it. It's a very common condition to have irregular... You're having very irregular periods. But you need to know why. Yeah. Particularly if you had regular periods in the past, you need to figure this out. And it's a pretty simple workup. So go to your doctor to check that out. Don't worry.

46:03 Adam But good times.

46:04 Drew Good times.

46:05 Adam All right, we're gonna take a little break. When we come back, we'll come back with more of the show. Yes? Yeah. After this.

46:12 Caller Okay, so I know there's nothing wrong with me. So what's up? This hour brought to you in part by Axe.

46:37 Experience the Axe Effect.

47:03 Adam That's my buddy over there. Dr. G, phone number, 1-800-LOVE-1- I tell you what, Sharon Osborne, gonna be in the Hizzy tomorrow night. Look forward to that, Drew, I tell you what.

47:17 Drew Good times.

47:18 Adam Strong, strong lady. Passionate, strong. Strong and passionate lady. Got her hands full over there with those Osborne kids and-

47:27 Drew Those are her kids, matter of fact.

47:30 Adam Got her hands full with her kids over there and then of course, her oldest kid, Ozzy Osborne. Should I call him that because, you know. Alrighty then.

47:41 Are you strong at tantrum?

47:43 Adam Yes, good people. Alright, hopefully she'll bring one of her lap dogs in. Alright, let's hop back to the phone. Alright, buddy. Danny. Hey, what's happening, 19 years old?

47:59 Caller Yeah, well before my question, Adam, I was driving under a bridge today and I saw a clearance sign that said, 15 feet and zero inches.

48:08 Adam Yeah, yeah.

48:10 Caller And it just pissed the hell out of me.

48:11 Adam That's, well let's talk about this for just one second. This is where your tax dollars are going, by the way.

48:18 Caller It's ridiculous, all that ink.

48:19 Adam For the huge zero with the dash and the zero. 15 foot. Like he said to me, how tall is that crane? And I said 15 foot. You wouldn't go, and. Or if I said, how high is that ladder reach? Or what's the extension of that ladder? I said 50 foot, you wouldn't go, and.

48:39 Drew But it tells you the significance to what level of significance they can take the measurement. Because you might, if you're measuring it to the inch, you have to include the number of inches. If you're measuring just to the foot, you could say 15 feet and not be exactly 15 feet.

48:55 I'm not six foot zero.

48:57 Adam Yeah, listen, I agree. Get the word out to the truckers that 15 foot means 15 foot. And if it is 15, six, we'll let you know. It'll say it on there. Here's the other thing that drives me insane, by the way, Drew and I, oh my God. Drew, all Drew and I do is complain. But first off, there's little stuff like this. You know, when it rains out here, the sprinklers are always going off on the side of the freeway. Nothing better than a torrential downpour and then getting your windshield sprayed by one of these sprinklers on the side of the freeway. Can't figure this out. By the way, all the city does is talk about water conservation. I can't, look, for 30 bucks, you can get a device where sprinklers won't go off if it's raining. It's easy. Been around for 50 years. Don't wanna invest in that. Not gonna save a few billion gallons a year. Really? You know what I'm saying? All right, the other thing that drives me, I had to go insane Thursday night. Danny, glad you got me going. Out here in Los Angeles, we have these freeway signs, these electronic freeway signs. These goddamn things must be five million bucks if they're a network.

50:05 Drew If you ever saw LA stories, it's the ones, the signs that talk to Steve Martin in them.

50:08 Adam Oh, it's gonna revolutionize drive time traffic.

50:12 Drew If you remember, it was a response to the fear of excess traffic in the 84 Olympics. Those will put them on.

50:17 Adam It's gonna be great because this is gonna be like a motorist having his own crystal ball into the future. He's gonna pass under these things. They're gonna tell him exactly what's happening. Well, they never say anything. They're black. They're just pitch black. And half the time, the goddamn freeways are shut off. And I would have got off the effing freeway if the sign had said S, but it said nothing. So I just kept motoring along and then hit some sort of bottleneck gridlock. And now everything stopped up because the 101 to the 110 has been closed.

50:48 Drew But on Thursday night, Adam and I were driving by and they told us what was going on. For those of you who are in Southern California, you would not know where this is, but it's about 30 miles from where we are. Maybe 50 miles even. So the DeVore Pass or something.

51:00 Adam Peck Road.

51:01 Drew Yeah.

51:01 Adam Don't even know what it is. Only heard it because some guy was, once in a while, here's how you know where stuff is far away. When they're telling you to come on down and get them RVs and van conversions, they tell you to get off on Peck Road. That means it's out there. It's way out there. So this sign, the same one I passed the night before that didn't tell me that the freeway a mile away had been closed down was letting me know that there was a little activity on Peck Road, which was a million miles from where I was. So-

51:29 Drew And by the way, when you got to the Hollywood Freeway, which was a mile from where we were, it was closed down to one lane.

51:35 Adam That's right. That's right. So I was saying to Drew, do they have some sort of inverse radius where they only report on things that are 50 miles away plus like nothing inside of 50 miles would be worth reporting on? And who's manning those goddamn signs? And do they work? Well, they work because Peck Road, 50 light years from here, the road that you, and by the way, Peck Road ain't closed and there's no bottleneck.

52:02 Drew It was one lane. One lane closed.

52:03 Adam And there's nothing going on, just one lane on a five lane in the middle of the night with no traffic because nobody lives out there. That one lane is closed, which will make, here's the difference. You'll slow down from 80 to 79 as you drive past the Peck Road lane. But that one lane, oh, that's a big deal. Not the whole goddamn freeway being closed off, just a half mile away. That's not news to them. Who runs these goddamn things? Who pays for them? How does Peck Road get priority over the whole goddamn 101 being closed down? I swear to God, this town is just a bunch of tards. And it's like, you know what it is? It's like, we like it. Somebody must like it. There must be something. I mean, I'm-

52:43 Drew We like the abuse.

52:44 Adam Yeah, I'm picturing some guy sitting in a control area like laughing and scratching his beard saying, no, my little kittens, they like it. They like the paint. I'm not gonna put all these arrows. I'm not gonna synchronize anything. I'm gonna, I'll make, oh, and by the way, can they put something on a timer? I mean, does the arrow that works the same way at rush hour have to work the same on Sunday, two in the morning? There's no chip, we haven't invented it, something that can control this? Really? That's it. Back to the point. Oh, for Christ's sake, what a dump we live in. When is someone gonna step up and do something about this? All right, I just want everyone to know, and all law enforcement personnel, listen up, Adam Carolla drives through every goddamn red arrow he comes into. Every single one of them, every time.

53:32 Drew You need to come with me and my kids to pay a little paintball.

53:34 Adam Every time. Every goddamn time. Every time. Give me a ticket. I don't give a rat's ass. It's worth it. I've gone through 3,000 and I've got no tickets. I get one. Well worth it. Well worth it. And I beg everyone within the sound of my voice to do this thing.

53:51 Drew Because, by the way, 3,000 multiplied times three minutes. That's what you've saved in your life.

53:56 Adam Who knows how many drunk drivers could have T-boned me while I sat there at the green light with the red arrow, looking at no oncoming traffic. So again, I'm not telling everyone to do it when the light is red. It's when the light is green and there's no traffic coming. Use your own discretion. Ignore the arrow. That's all I do. That's all I do. That's all I do.

54:20 Drew Three, 9,000 minutes you've saved in your life. Think about that.

54:24 Adam Just look, look, A-holes, keep putting the arrows up. I just drive right through every single goddamn one of them.

54:31 Drew What is burning? Something's burning here.

54:33 Adam My brain is burning. All right, Danny. Yeah, something's burning.

54:37 Caller Hey, real quick, back to the 15 zero inches.

54:38 Caller I cued this up, so can I please play it?

54:40 Adam Yeah. How tall are you?

54:42 I'm like, 5'12.

54:47 Caller Almost six.

54:50 Adam That is my favorite. All right, Danny boy, sorry. You got me going now.

54:54 Caller No, I'm sorry about that.

54:56 Adam That's all right.

54:57 Caller It's disappointing, that's all you understand. Okay, my question is, every time that I have sex, actually, every time I jack off for that matter, I pinch it off at the very end and run to the toilet or the trash can to let it go just to save myself from the mess. And I'm wondering, is that bad? Is something gonna happen to me? Am I gonna like, you know, burst something eventually?

55:24 Drew Well, first of all, doesn't it sort of interrupt the pleasure of all that?

55:28 Caller No, not really, actually.

55:29 Caller I don't mind.

55:30 Caller I've gotten so used to it. Really?

55:31 Adam Because to me it feels like a chore.

55:33 Drew I'm trying to sneeze, yes, sneezing with that.

55:35 Adam That's like a distracting chore right in the middle of orgasm.

55:42 Drew I don't know.

55:42 Caller I developed a habit.

55:43 Adam All right, here's the deal.

55:46 Drew Secondly, yes, you can irritate your prostate and cause some problems in the urethral outflow tract. Secondly, and thirdly, how much of a mess is there as opposed to spraying a trash can of grab a little Kleenex?

55:59 Adam Well, like, listen, Danny-

56:01 Drew Or being near a toilet when you start all this.

56:04 Adam You've got to hone your technique so that you can do it like standing up in the shower or something. Oh, I can't.

56:08 Caller I can't. All right, all right.

56:10 Adam Well, hey, Danny, when you use words like I can't, then you won't, okay? Because I couldn't either. But you know what? I overcame in the time.

56:24 Caller Well, every time I try, I'm always late for work.

56:26 Adam Takes a while. Well, that's, that's how you guys start getting up earlier. Look, you know what you need to work? You need to get a bib. You need to get a Jack bib. I'm telling you, grab something from the hamper.

56:39 Drew How big a mess can that be as compared to what he's doing?

56:41 Adam I, the idea of pinching, first off, I would rather have my mom burst into my room and yell at me to bust some dishes while I was orgasming rather than pinch off my dork and then stand up and make some sort of crazy craft my pants run for the bathroom. I couldn't, it would be a good way to get me to quit beating off.

57:06 Drew Yeah.

57:06 Adam And be like, oh, this is, this is annoying. Yeah, this sucks. Come on, get the bib thing. I'm telling you, I laughed when I was 19, when I was Danny's age, I laughed at the bib too.

57:20 Drew Really?

57:20 Adam Yeah.

57:21 Drew What did you do?

57:22 Adam My roommate, Dewees, was trying to explain to me about the bib and I laughed at him.

57:26 Drew What'd you take, what were you doing instead?

57:28 Adam That, I was just making a mess on myself. Ah!

57:33 Some of it's still probably there.

57:36 Adam Yeah, it was not pretty. Yeah.

57:39 Drew It's peanut butter in the shag carpet.

57:42 Adam A lot of it's still there. A lot of it's still there. But anyway, I laughed at him and you know what? He was right. And you know what?

57:48 Drew You saved humanity.

57:49 Adam It takes a very big man to admit when someone's right about the Jack Bipp. Giselle? Your, Giselle was the name he wanted to use when he was patenting the Jack Bipp. Call it the Giselle. I mean, here's how it works. We use surgical tape to stick the one side of the Velcro to your sternum, right there. And it's just permanently there. You know, like people are on dialysis or have this little kidney machines or whatever. They have a jack belt in order. Or the ports. Yeah, it's a port, it's a port. It's just, it's surgically, it's attached to your sternum. And then the bib, which has a bullseye and a baseball diamond on the other side. I rarely use it. Never use the diamond.

58:34 Drew Always the Velcros on both sides. You can attach it to the side.

58:36 Adam You just, yeah, you snap it on there. And it's great. It's washable. It's a machine to throw it right in the dishwasher. Normal cycle.

58:44 Drew You have a few of them, don't you?

58:46 Adam You gotta, well, you gotta keep one in the car. You know, if you travel like I do. Giselle, that'd be a good name for it. Giselle, Giselle, yeah. And there's an advanced one that also attaches, sort of a, you attach it in the back like a cummerbund. Actually, it becomes like the, you know, when you rent the tuxedo?

59:06 Drew Yeah, that kind of- You got a snap in the back?

59:08 Adam Yeah, you know, it's like the vest.

59:09 Drew Just to make sure it doesn't move?

59:10 Adam Yeah, just pull it around.

59:12 Drew And if you let it doze, does it roll up and hit you in the chest?

59:14 Adam Yeah, only when you hit a high note when you're singing. Giselle?

59:18 Yeah.

59:19 Adam All right, sorry.

59:19 Drew Now I can never hear that name again without cracking up.

59:21 Adam She's- Go ahead.

59:25 I had a question. I wanted to know like if it's bad. Like, well, last night me and my boyfriend, we had sex and I'm on my period.

59:34 Drew If what?

59:34 If it's bad. Cause I'm on my period and we had like unprotected sex. But like I'm on the pill, so that's why we didn't use a condom.

59:45 Drew And I'm on the pill. So you're, and you finished more than one month of the pill?

59:51 Yeah.

59:51 Drew Yeah, you're, you don't need to use a condom unless you're trying to protect yourself against sexually transmitted diseases. You're completely protected.

59:57 Oh yeah, but so I was on my period and we had sex.

59:59 Drew Yeah, but the pill, the pill covers you the whole, as so long as you take it. Whether you're on your period or not.

1:00:08 But like, I mean like, as far as like any diseases are like.

1:00:11 Drew Well that's the more, that's the more significant issue is that you can get what are called ascending sexually transmitted infections. During a period that's sort of more of an open conduit to the higher parts of the genital tract, you can get pelvic inflammatory disease, that sort of thing. So from an infectious disease standpoint, the condom is important around the time of your period. But if it's a partner you've been with for a long time and he doesn't have any symptoms and you're feeling fine now.

1:00:36 Adam It's really, it's also good for the yuck factor too.

1:00:40 Drew The condom. To protect your pristine skin. It's just kind of like the way you use the Giselle.

1:00:46 Caller Yeah.

1:00:47 Adam All right Giselle.

1:00:48 I had to ask you one more other question.

1:00:51 Caller Yeah.

1:00:53 Real quick, do you know those like, those pills that are supposed to make your boobs grow?

1:00:57 Drew No. No, if anything would the birth control pill, the estrogens and the birth control pill for some women do and they're finding actually now that liposuction makes some women's breasts grow too.

1:01:07 Yeah, well yeah, they have grown with like my pills as well but I've been kind of like questioning as far as getting like a boob job or.

1:01:15 Adam No, you're fine, you're fine. Why do you need the boob job?

1:01:19 I don't know, I kind of, I don't know, I just kind of want them.

1:01:23 Adam No, save that for the pros. What do you got? What do you got, a B cup?

1:01:28 I'm like in between a B and a C.

1:01:30 Adam That's fine. That's the way most guys like it.

1:01:33 Drew Yeah, most women are going to a C cup when they get their enlargement done. So you're already there.

1:01:37 Adam They're going down to something.

1:01:39 Drew They're going down to a C.

1:01:40 Adam They're taking it out.

1:01:40 Drew Exactly, C is what most people want.

1:01:42 Adam All right.

1:01:45 Caller Let's keep rolling along here.

1:01:47 Drew Is there a refinement on that name, the Giselle?

1:01:49 Adam The Giselle. Yeah, it's a great commercial. Guys beating off, making a mess.

1:01:55 Drew But fields of wheat. I see wheats blowing in the wind.

1:01:58 Adam Walking around with, no, no, it's one of those, hey, a guy's got a throw pillow stuck to his belly. What happened, Bob? Why can't you make league night the other night? The bowling team lost because they had this throw pillow cleaving to my sternum. Haven't you heard about the Giselle? Giselle, what's that? I always like when they repeat it. They never just go, what's that? They gotta repeat it. And you almost never do that. And really, yeah, like if you said, like if you said, non-gonococcus, what's your thing? Non-gonococcus.

1:02:31 Drew Non-gonococcus urethraeus, you gotta go, huh?

1:02:33 Adam Non-gonococcus urethraeus, what's that? No, you just go, what's that?

1:02:38 Drew What are you talking about?

1:02:39 Adam The Giselle.

1:02:40 Drew What are you talking about?

1:02:41 Adam Yeah. All right. It'd be one of those things too, if you acted now, we'd throw in another one. Or maybe a travel Giselle. Or maybe a smaller one for guys who are more accurate.

1:02:54 Drew Just mop.

1:02:55 Adam You know, the man show, we invented the belly Zamboni.

1:03:00 Drew Yeah.

1:03:00 Adam Yeah.

1:03:01 Drew I like the manual out, it's masculine.

1:03:03 Adam Masculine.

1:03:05 Drew Come on, tell them what that was.

1:03:06 Adam It gets stubborn protein stains.

1:03:08 Drew Male protein stains. That's right.

1:03:12 Adam Yeah. Yeah. There was a good saying for it. It's like, it was like, put a squirt in every load or something. Like. Well, it was in the washing machine. It had a context.

1:03:27 Drew And I remember that you had this sort of 70s style housewife with her hands at her hip going, Oh. Is that another one of the.

1:03:33 Adam The dog was licking it.

1:03:35 Yeah.

1:03:36 Drew Is that another one of your masculine stains, protein stains?

1:03:40 Adam Yeah, David.

1:03:41 Drew Oh my God.

1:03:43 Adam David.

1:03:45 Caller I'm here, sorry about that.

1:03:46 Adam What's up, baby doll?

1:03:47 Caller First, I just want to say you guys are awesome.

1:03:50 Adam Thanks.

1:03:51 Caller And I had a question actually. I've been with my girlfriend for a while now, about a little bit over six months on and off. And beforehand, after I had met her, but before we were actually together at all, I had slept with another girl. And the problem now is that I'm having a guilty conscience about telling her because she still thinks that I'm a virgin.

1:04:13 Adam Well, okay, hold on a second. You told her you were a virgin, right?

1:04:17 Caller Yes. Well, I let her assume.

1:04:23 Adam Why would she do that math?

1:04:26 Caller Well, the only issue, well, because she is too. And we had talked about this a couple of times about having sex. And I like, as much as I like this other girl, I knew that I wouldn't stay with her.

1:04:35 Drew Have you had sex with this new girl?

1:04:38 Caller No, no, I haven't had sex with my current girlfriend at all.

1:04:41 Drew Are you planning to?

1:04:42 Caller Well, maybe one day, yes. I haven't really thought about it that much.

1:04:46 Caller Oh, huh, man.

1:04:48 Caller I mean, it has been a while, but I do love her. And she loves me, and that's just how we are.

1:04:52 Drew Well, hmm. I'm not sure anyone could answer this one for you. Honesty is always best. But then again, wait, wait, wait. But you don't want to unload on her just to improve your guilty conscience.

1:05:06 Adam I gotta tell you, one of the things that is rarely discussed, but I think Drew will back me up here, way too much disclosure. Neither here nor there disclosure goes on in young relationships.

1:05:27 Drew More mystery, less history.

1:05:29 Adam Yes. So many. And this is age 15 to age 30. Who you've been with, what you do, if you've ever tried this one, what about this? There's some guy, they seem like they're friends, you ever sleep with him? That kind of stuff and vice versa. He wants to know, look, take some of that energy and just convert it into being a good partner and move ahead. Yeah, you don't want your person to have AIDS. You got to look into these things. Outside of that, assume they've had a couple of partners, they can assume you've had a couple of partners and move forward.

1:06:04 Drew How about get into diligent honesty now? You know what I mean? Realize what it feels like not to be completely honest and from now on be diligently honest.

1:06:14 Adam Yeah, I'm just saying, look, if you were working as a male prostitute banging a lot of Korean businessmen or something, and you may have five kinds of hepatitis, yeah, you got to pipe up. If you slept with one chick in your dad's camper one time, don't disclose it, it's fine. Why freak her out? I'm not saying it for you, I'm saying it for her. You know what I'm saying? People don't really need to know that kind of stuff.

1:06:50 Drew Yes, but it sort of sets up a weird situation where he's trying to live up to an ideal that she demands. And she needs to be not that way too.

1:07:02 Adam Don't say anything, that's all I'm saying. Tina? You're 24?

1:07:08 Caller Yes, I am.

1:07:09 Adam What is up?

1:07:12 Caller Well, I'm bipolar with psychotic features.

1:07:16 Adam Psychotic features.

1:07:17 Drew When were you last psychotic?

1:07:20 Caller I hear voices and I have hallucinations.

1:07:22 Drew When did that last happen to you?

1:07:24 Caller You're insane. It usually happens when I'm tired.

1:07:29 Drew Tina, answer my question or Adam will hang up on you. When did that last happen to you? Last week. And are you on medication right now?

1:07:37 Caller I am. I'm on Zyprexa and Wilbutrin.

1:07:40 Drew And are you recently on the Zyprexa?

1:07:44 Caller About a month.

1:07:45 Drew Is that helping?

1:07:47 Caller Yes. It's the best one I've been on out of all of them so far.

1:07:51 Drew For this kind of thing it works very, very well. And are you on a mood stabilizer also?

1:07:57 Caller No.

1:07:59 Drew How come no Depakote or Trileptal or something?

1:08:03 Caller I'm allergic to Trileptal.

1:08:05 Caller I was one of the few people that got the funky rash.

1:08:07 Caller So I don't take that.

1:08:11 Drew Depakote?

1:08:12 Caller No. I haven't tried that one yet.

1:08:15 Drew That's your next piece of work.

1:08:16 Caller That'll be the next one.

1:08:19 Adam So what's the question?

1:08:21 Caller The question is, I'm very hypersexual. And what I want to know is if it's because of my bipolar or if it's me or the medication.

1:08:29 Drew It's the bipolar. Unless you were sexually abused as a child because that tends to sort of wire that in also. But definitely bipolar particularly. I mean, the fact that you have psychotic features means you tend to be manic all the time.

1:08:41 Caller Yeah.

1:08:42 Drew And so mania, part of being manic is being hypersexual. Yeah. And if now also you had sexual abuse in childhood, well, that's another thing that kind of wires that into your system.

1:08:53 Adam I'll tell you, it takes all kinds. You know, my theory. Were you abused when you were younger?

1:08:59 Caller I'm not sure. I think so. But I think I've like repressed it. So I'm not sure.

1:09:06 Adam Who do you think abused you?

1:09:09 Caller My sister.

1:09:10 Drew Oh, that's interesting. What happened to her?

1:09:14 Caller She's married to a pedophile.

1:09:16 Drew But that's the point.

1:09:20 Caller I don't know. My family doesn't talk about it.

1:09:23 Adam If she married a pedophile and you think she may have abused you, then she was abused herself.

1:09:32 Caller I don't know who would have done it.

1:09:35 Adam I don't know. Good times. Yeah, listen, you stick with that...

1:09:41 Drew Zyprexa.

1:09:42 Adam Stick with that Zyprexa and that therapy and you'll be fine.

1:09:45 Caller Yeah, thanks guys.

1:09:49 Adam That's good times.

1:09:51 Drew It's tough to deal with that, huh? Life's hard enough. Imagine dealing with... You're spinning all the time, you hear voices and you can't make judgments. Because your biology is off.

1:10:01 Adam Maybe they're lucky.

1:10:02 Drew And you're busy masturbating five times a day. For you, that wouldn't be so busy, would it?

1:10:06 Adam I know five seems a little light. I'd like to see you get up to double digits. I'm making a Giselle for the ladies.

1:10:14 Drew What do they call it?

1:10:17 Adam Jizim? Sounds like... Jizim is something you yell to summon your genie. Yes, my lady. It's time to go wee. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. Drew, how much money do guys spend trying to get chicks? Into the billions? Cars? Condos? Air plugs? All they need is a Max deodorant body spray. 1-800-LOVE-191. Here's the phone number. I'll tell you something about this show, kids. It's not about me. It's not about Drew. It's not about our fine crack Loveline staff. It's about you. It's about the callers. That's what drives the show. You are the show.

1:11:30 Drew That's why we get to five calls a night.

1:11:32 Adam Right. Because if you weren't the show, we'd probably only get to two or three calls a night. But as it is, we average a call every 26 and a half minutes. Because you are the show. You understand? Let me tell you something else that you guys are. You're the motivation. You're the engine behind the show. We wouldn't come in here night after night if you guys weren't calling. So we need you more than you need us. You ready to roll here, Drew? Because I'm all about getting the calls. You know what I'm saying?

1:12:10 Drew Because I know that about you.

1:12:11 Adam Because they're the show.

1:12:12 Drew Yeah.

1:12:12 Adam Let me see if Chris has been listening. Chris, pop quiz. Who's the show? Is it me? Is it Drew? Or is it the callers?

1:12:21 Drew It's the callers.

1:12:22 Adam Alright, you're fired. I don't want to see your puss around here again. Did you hear that, Drew?

1:12:26 Drew I heard it's crazy.

1:12:27 Adam Yeah, he thinks the callers are the show.

1:12:30 Drew How dare he?

1:12:31 Adam I'm going now. Yeah, please. Let's get to Adil. Melinda? You're 18? What's up?

1:12:40 Caller Um, I'm kind of having difficulty orgasming, and I was wondering if you guys can help me with that.

1:12:48 Drew You're 18?

1:12:49 Caller Yes.

1:12:50 Drew And you've never had an orgasm?

1:12:51 Caller No, I have. No, I have, but lately I've been having trouble.

1:12:56 Drew Are you on any medication?

1:12:58 Caller No.

1:12:58 Drew How were you able to do it in the past?

1:13:01 Caller Um, usually like, um, or sex or, um. Or what? Or, yeah.

1:13:13 Adam Masturbation?

1:13:15 Caller I've never masturbated before.

1:13:18 Drew It's hard for 18, 20 year olds to masturbate.

1:13:20 Adam It doesn't work for women. Well, then hold on, girls. I've never done it before.

1:13:23 Caller Yeah, I've never, well, I've, like, felt around, but I've never actually, um...

1:13:29 Adam Could you imagine an 18 year old guy? I'm not saying I haven't touched my penis a time or two. I mean, if I'm going number one, I'll shake it out a little. One time I got an erection in gym class. I had to adjust myself, so physically, you know, technically I made contact with my penis, but now I never really stroked it or anything. You read that coming out of an 18 year old guy's mouth? Sure, I've touched it. Yeah, I mean, you know, I've dumped some talc on it before.

1:13:56 Drew I couldn't figure out what to do with it.

1:13:58 Adam Hey, Melinda, okay, so here's the part I'm curious about. We're asking you about how you orgasm. It took you a while to say oral sex. And then there's another way you orgasmed or you just made it seem that way?

1:14:16 Drew Oh, boy.

1:14:19 Adam Melinda, what are the ways you've had an orgasm in the past?

1:14:28 Caller Usually by my partner. Doing stuff to me never by myself.

1:14:33 Drew Okay, what stuff is that?

1:14:37 Caller Like having sex.

1:14:39 Drew So you've had an orgasm during intercourse? No. Nothing during anything is the bottom line here.

1:14:49 Adam She sort of said during oral sex, didn't she?

1:14:52 Drew Here's the bottom line, Melinda. Most 18 to 20 year old girls, women, have difficulty having an orgasm. Very few will have an orgasm during intercourse. Those that can orgasm will do so with oral sex. And a majority of women will never have an orgasm with intercourse. They will only have it with direct stimulation like oral sex. A majority. Their whole life. There's about 10% that will have orgasms at the gym. Every time they have an intercourse. And those girls, those women tend not to like oral sex, interestingly. They tend to just have orgasm with intercourse. So there's sort of the spectrum there.

1:15:29 Adam They're passionate, passionate women. But Drew, we always talk about the origins of things and what did nature have in mind when he created man this way or woman that way. I mean, most of the stuff you do a little scraping around and it starts to make sense. What did man have in mind with women not, I mean, what did God have in mind with women not having orgasms through intercourse? The vast majority of them. Do you think the population would just spin out of control? I mean, okay, let me answer my own question. If women had orgasm with intercourse and were that, would they then eventually just sort of become as gung-ho almost as men were to have sex and then venereal disease and...

1:16:16 Drew Well, here's the deal. Then women in the old days, women died in childbirth and or died from pelvic infections that men introduced into them. And so there would be no women to raise the children. And so all the children would die. So you had to sort of had women not quite as driven into this at least the same way that men are.

1:16:36 Adam Right.

1:16:36 Drew So they could actually stick around.

1:16:39 Adam Right. So the species. The sort of nature answer would be if women were as horny as men.

1:16:46 Drew Not just horny, but is driven to intercourse. Yeah.

1:16:49 Adam For lack of a better term.

1:16:50 Caller Yeah.

1:16:51 Drew Horny in the same way as men.

1:16:53 Adam Yeah. Then there'd just be a whole bunch of everyone to be dying off of venereal disease.

1:16:59 Drew And pregnancy.

1:17:00 Caller And childbirth.

1:17:00 Adam Right. And or the population would spin out.

1:17:03 Drew If a woman had five children, she probably would die. You know what I'm saying? She probably wouldn't live through five pregnancies.

1:17:08 Adam Back in the day.

1:17:09 Drew Yeah. That'd be almost unheard of.

1:17:11 Adam Right.

1:17:11 Drew But if they lived through a couple of pregnancies, there's pretty good chances. One out of five.

1:17:15 Adam And what about women who do have the orgasm within her course? Are they usually a little more good to go? You know what I mean? Are the likelihood of sleeping with one of them that you meet at a bar going to be better than the one that doesn't? I mean, as a man of passion.

1:17:35 Drew I don't know.

1:17:36 Adam You know what I'm saying, Drew?

1:17:38 Drew Probably.

1:17:39 Adam You take your chances with the one that had the big O through intercourse. If someone said, look, you got to go out and try to pick up a random chick, go to the bar with those chicks. Wouldn't you take your chances with that group? A little higher batting average?

1:17:52 Drew Probably. But I don't know that those are the ones that are more androgenically driven, necessarily. You know what I mean? There's a group of women that have a more masculine quality to their sexual drive, and I'm not sure that's the same ones that have multiple orgasms. I think those are more the ones that have orgasms sometimes with intercourse.

1:18:10 Adam They're the noisemakers. They're like party favors. It's New Year. Every day is New Year in their vagina.

1:18:18 Drew Good times.

1:18:19 Adam Spread their legs. The thing comes out, folds back in. Yeah, that's slowed me down momentarily, but I'd get over it. All right. Let's talk to Mike, who's 20.

1:18:30 Drew Did we answer her question?

1:18:32 Adam I don't know. What did she want?

1:18:34 Drew I don't know.

1:18:34 Adam Did she want an orgasm? I've been up since 7 this morning. Mike?

1:18:43 Caller Hey, what's up?

1:18:44 Adam Hey, 20, what's going on?

1:18:46 Caller Well, I recently broke up with my girlfriend. She was my first girlfriend. And I pretty much thought that she was the girl of my dreams. But we had sex a few months into the relationship. And after, she told me that she had herpes. And I was upset with her.

1:19:10 Adam She had genital herpes, right?

1:19:12 Caller Yes. Okay. And she told me that her doctor said that there's no way she could transfer it to me because her outbreaks are very, it's not big at all. You know, she hardly ever, she only had one outbreak.

1:19:31 Drew Well, maybe the diagnosis was wrong, number one. And I'm sure you didn't say it's impossible to transmit. It's just less likely since she has infrequent outbreaks. But you can't tell.

1:19:41 Caller I actually did go to the doctor and I do have herpes now.

1:19:46 Drew And what was it that sent you to the doctor?

1:19:49 Caller Well, I had some type of rash. It wasn't an outbreak. It was something else. He said that the doctor said it was some type of yeast infection that I got from her or something.

1:20:02 Drew And then how did he make the diagnosis of herpes?

1:20:04 Caller Well, I got a blood test.

1:20:06 Drew They can't make a diagnosis on a blood test. No way.

1:20:09 Adam Mike, really, I got to be honest with you. Drew's been making the bogus pus for a good 10 minutes. And this call's only a minute 45. Hold. He smells bogus. He's sniffing bogus here. Now, I would sniff bogus, too, except for someone turned the TV on in the next studio. And I've been watching some sports highlights. I'm not sure what's going on. But let's just say if I was here and focused, I would be thinking bogus, too, just because I usually agree with Drew and his bogus call. So you want to fess up?

1:20:45 Caller Oh, wait, what's the what?

1:20:49 Adam Bogus.

1:20:51 Caller About having herpes?

1:20:54 Drew How about the call?

1:20:55 Adam The whole call seems like there's a few holes in it.

1:20:59 Caller What do you mean?

1:21:00 Caller I don't understand.

1:21:04 Drew Yeah, go ahead.

1:21:05 Caller OK, well, the doctor said I had herpes.

1:21:08 Drew Yeah, blood test is no way to make that diagnosis. So there you go.

1:21:12 Caller OK, I do not understand that because I went to my school doctor.

1:21:16 Drew Yeah, it's a diagnosis. That blood test has been largely abandoned unless there's a high suspicion of active herpes.

1:21:27 Adam Alright, but the question is, is what?

1:21:29 Caller OK, well, I've always had an issue with how many guys my ex-girlfriend had been with. And when I found out that I got herpes from her, it really made me jealous about all our previous relationships. And I was just wondering if that's something psychologically wrong with me or if this is normal.

1:21:53 Drew You already knew she had herpes, though.

1:21:55 Adam Hold on. I just feel bad for Mike. Look, Mike, here's the thing. We were just talking about this a little earlier tonight. 20-year-old guys are a disaster when it comes to this kind of stuff. You just have a lot of... You just have bravado. You have a lot of hormones raging and testosterone, and it just... It's always going to bother you. Everything's going to bother you. And here's the reality. Yeah. If she was with 50 guys before she got to you, that's going to bother you. If she was with one guy before you, you will then channel into that one guy. If she was with no guys, you will figure out something. That is, it's like, this is going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy for 20 year old guys who, I wish there's something they could do other than just get old, not care. You have to think, I'll tell you what's sort of liberating. I used to do it back in the day when this thing came up and I was bothered by this or that. I would just think to myself, look, are you going to marry this person? You know, you're 20.

1:23:00 Drew Yes, yes, this is the one.

1:23:01 Adam Now, I think to myself, I'm 20, I'm 21. This chick, first of all, is she going to marry me?

1:23:07 Drew Well, that's, I think, where you're head went.

1:23:08 Adam Yeah. She's not going to marry me. I'm not going to marry her. Why be miserable during the time when we're trying to have a good time? How about just getting your kicks in, having a good time, and not holding their feet to the fire? Stop asking so many questions. And I don't know.

1:23:23 Drew One more aphorism, okay?

1:23:25 Adam And a new broom will sweep clean.

1:23:27 Drew Okay.

1:23:30 Adam Other than just like chill out, dude, I don't know what to say. Other than everyone thinks this way. Every 20-year-old guy thinks this way at one time.

1:23:38 Drew Mike is very anxious. He's hanging on what this doctor said. I'm not sure it was a physician assistant or something. It's sort of a jump to a diagnosis rather. You may want to see a dermatologist or a sexually transmitted disease specialist if you really want to get this nailed down. But someone who's actively involved in that field because it changes frequently.

1:23:56 Adam No, that's a good time. We'll take a quick break, we'll be right back.

1:24:01 Caller Thank you for calling Loveline.

1:24:02 Caller Your call will be answered in the order it seems interesting.

1:24:22 Caller All right, let's get back to the phones.

1:24:25 Adam Amanda. You're 19?

1:24:27 Caller Uh-huh.

1:24:28 Adam What's up?

1:24:29 Caller Um, okay, like, yesterday, I had a pee, and like when I did, like, I felt pressure, and like, I don't know why.

1:24:38 Caller Mm-hmm.

1:24:39 Drew Let's see, probably a urine infection.

1:24:41 Adam Mm-hmm.

1:24:42 Drew You need to see your doctor tomorrow.

1:24:45 Adam Because those could be dangerous. What?

1:24:48 Caller I don't have insurance, and that'll cost like a million dollars.

1:24:51 Drew That'll cost about $35, yeah.

1:24:52 Adam Really?

1:24:53 Drew Yeah.

1:24:53 Adam That's it?

1:24:54 Drew Yeah. Maybe.

1:24:55 Adam What do they do to check that?

1:24:57 Drew Just look at your urine on a microscope, look for the white cells in there, take your history.

1:25:01 Adam Mm-hmm.

1:25:02 Drew That's that. Maybe go to a walk-in clinic or something. If you don't take care of it, it can get up into your kidney and cause real serious problems.

1:25:09 Adam You got some kind of woman's clinic around there? Go over there. Are you having sex?

1:25:17 Caller Mm-hmm.

1:25:18 Adam All right. Can you go to the woman's clinic to get birth control and stuff?

1:25:22 Caller Well, I'm not, but okay.

1:25:24 Drew All right, you need to do that too, then, right?

1:25:26 Adam How about that? What's going on, baby?

1:25:30 Caller I don't know.

1:25:31 Adam Well, what's up? You're having sex?

1:25:33 Drew Do you want to get pregnant?

1:25:34 Caller No.

1:25:35 Drew You're going to get pregnant, right?

1:25:39 Caller I don't know.

1:25:40 Drew Well, how could you not get pregnant if you're having sex and not taking precautions? How would that work?

1:25:45 Caller I guess I will then.

1:25:46 Adam All right, please. Again, calling all tards. Here's the thing, everybody. Feel free to be stupid. By all means, be stupid. But be smart enough to realize you're stupid and do a couple of things. Don't ride a motorcycle without a helmet in the rain. You know what I mean? I mean, just understand, like here's what I'm saying. This is what you gotta do. When I'm drunk, I know I'm drunk. You see what I'm saying? And if I drive drunk, I never drive like a maniac. I drive like a maniac when I'm sober because if I get pulled over, I don't care. If I ever had a few beers and get behind the wheel of the vehicle and drive, I drive like my dad drives. Going 34. Why? Because if I get pulled over, it's bad times. It's bad times. But I'm aware of it. Now, the people that get in trouble, and I don't know, everyone thinks, oh, you're setting a horrible example. Yeah, listen, don't drink and drive. But here's the reality. I've had a few beers and got behind the wheel before. I'm not gonna lie to you. And here's the thing, at.08, I could easily be at that. Who the hell knows? I've never gotten an accident. I know I've been lucky. I'm real lucky. Here's the point. The guys who get in trouble, the guys who get drunk, don't know they're drunk, figure they're gonna go in the Gelson's parking lot and do some donuts for a while. And then the cop shows up. This is what happens. And this same with dumb people. They're dumb and they're gonna live the life of a dumb person. Know you're dumb and go get some birth control. Know you're dumb and put a helmet on.

1:27:25 Drew Yeah.

1:27:26 Adam Now, can you be both?

1:27:28 Drew And by the way, listen.

1:27:28 Adam Can you be both? Can you be both?

1:27:31 Drew What do you mean, both?

1:27:32 Adam Can you be dumb and follow advice, be dumb and put a helmet on, be responsible?

1:27:37 Drew If you're dumb, will you necessarily not listen to people and not?

1:27:42 Adam I argue no.

1:27:43 Drew Yeah, but you can be dumb and dumber. If dumber is when you stop listening to everybody.

1:27:47 Adam Great movie. All right, so if you ain't too sharp, that's fine. Just listen to people that are sharp and do what they tell you to do.

1:27:54 Drew It's very simple.

1:27:55 Caller Yeah.

1:27:56 Adam Amanda's gotta get herself on some birth control and get herself checked out for a urine infection. Judy? You're 19?

1:28:09 Drew Sexually addicted?

1:28:11 Caller Yes, but I don't know what the warning signs are.

1:28:16 Drew It's all about the consequences. It's about having sex that you don't wanna have or having sex in spite of serious things happening in your life. Relationships, getting screwed up, spending too much money, having health problems, getting legal problems. These sorts of things are happening yet you keep obsessing about sex. And usually, when people are engaging in sexual behavior at that level, it's because they were sexually abused as a kid.

1:28:39 Adam Did that happen to you, Judy?

1:28:42 Drew Usually because they were sexually abused as a child. There you go. So it's obviously troubling you and you can't stop and you have sexual abuse history and that pretty much adds up.

1:28:55 Adam Who did this to you? All right. Well, I'm going to go dad.

1:29:03 Drew Why couldn't you say? Do you think we know you're dad? So why couldn't you say?

1:29:09 Caller I can't say.

1:29:12 Drew You need to come to terms with this a little bit. You need some treatment.

1:29:19 Caller Where can I go?

1:29:20 Drew Delamo, you live in Los Angeles, Delamo Treatment Center's got a good sexual addiction program. Delamo. Delamo Treatment Center.

1:29:28 Caller Okay.

1:29:29 Adam Hey, Judy, and here's the, here's what you need not to do. You need to not get pregnant.

1:29:35 Caller No, I'm on birth control.

1:29:37 Adam Good, good. Are you with one guy or are you with multiple guys?

1:29:44 Drew Yeah, this is not a one-guy compulsion.

1:29:47 Adam All right.

1:29:49 Drew You need to throw crazy stuff in here too.

1:29:51 Adam All right, all right. Well, look, you know what you're doing, right? Well, you got to get some treatment and you got to work at it a little bit and you got to get some help for whatever family member did you back when? Sorry, someone did that to you, but now unfortunately, all right, I got to make one of my car analogies, but it's really, it's like, sometimes you're driving your car and this guy backs India and he's fully covered and he gets insured and blah, blah, blah, and this guy's going to pay for it and blah, blah, blah. And then other times you just come out of your driver one day and some drunk driver smashing your car while it's a street and there's nothing around. And now here's the problem, it's not your fault, nothing you did. Can't be blamed, but yet you got a car that pulls pretty hard to the left. What are you going to do?

1:30:43 Drew The problem is that the age at which this stuff happens, kids tend to feel responsible for it. Grandiosity that they maintain now throughout their life where they feel responsible for everything that happens.

1:30:53 Adam You are going to be shimming at 55 for the rest of your life, make it 30, unless you take this car into the shop, even though it wasn't your fault. That's it.

1:31:05 Drew Sorry. And it's not fair.

1:31:07 Adam No.

1:31:07 Drew It's not fair.

1:31:08 Adam It ain't fair. All right, Drew.

1:31:13 Drew I'm taking a paintball.

1:31:14 Adam I'm thinking about when I got my car towed when I was watching my car getting towed, when I announced to my dad that it would get towed.

1:31:20 Drew And it did.

1:31:22 Adam Yeah. I got to talk to you about that off the air, Drew. It's a very strong, great magnet thing.

1:31:27 Drew When you were convinced it was gonna happen and it did.

1:31:30 Adam The car was rejecting air conditioning. And I knew when I forced it on it that it would be short lived somehow. You understand that concept?

1:31:41 Drew How did the car reject the air conditioner? To tell you? I will not have this air conditioner in my dashboard.

1:31:49 Adam Well, no, it's not kit. I'm gonna talk to you about it off the air because it's a powerful story. It's like a parable. Yeah, good thing, oh yeah. And they got the culprit, oh Jesus Christ.

1:32:05 Drew Oh no, wait, he didn't.

1:32:06 Adam Us idiots. You guys, you fan-ized courthouse. You guys should all kill yourselves. All right, we'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:32:15 Caller Alright guys, here's the deal.

1:32:16 Caller You're looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

1:32:20 Caller One call is all you need to make.

1:32:22 Caller Call the Dateline. 877-889-DATE. This hour brought to you in part by Axe.

1:32:38 Caller Experience the Axe Effect.

1:32:50 Adam Hey, tomorrow night. A little gal by the name of Sharon Osborne. Dear, dear, dear friend.

1:32:55 Drew Dear, dear, dear.

1:32:56 Adam In here tomorrow night. So, until next time, this is Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew saying, Mahalo!

1:33:05 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors or this station. The producer for Loveline is Ann Ingold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Sunday, April 25, 2004