Episode 1000605278855

0:54 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually oriented content. It's only on account the listener discretion is advised.

1:00 Love Line with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

1:05 Voiceover That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I walked right in. Drew was having a heavy conversation with producer Anne about private schools and preschoolers. This is the kind of stuff they make fun of us of. You know, the Midwest, when they talk about LA people, Drew walks in, and he's like, No, don't push him ahead. The name of the game in private school is holding him back. The name of the game.

1:35 Seven and a half.

1:36 Adam There's a game and a name.

1:38 Drew Three and a half.

1:39 Three and a half. You got no name.

1:41 Adam You barely got any game. Your game, your name is Toby, your game, crapping yourself.

1:48 That's your name and your game.

1:51 Adam Yeah. Yeah. The name of the game.

1:54 Drew I have friends that start planning the first trimester.

1:59 Adam Don't you think you're going to give the kids an eating disorder?

2:02 Drew You could, yeah.

2:03 Adam I mean, you know, Drew always goes nuts with the scholastic stuff. He really loves it. Like, he digs into it. He talks about it like, I don't know, like, an old Marine talks about Vietnam or something.

2:18 Drew Or boot camps.

2:18 Adam He and Drew has a kind of passion and enthusiasm only a top-notch nerd like himself could have about education. But then, always speaks of it in terms of a challenge. Like, you know, you're talking about the Iron Man or something. They would kick our ass.

2:35 Caller We had to come through.

2:37 A couple of stragglers hold the whole class behind. We don't leave a man behind, you hear me? Then drop and count to 20!

2:50 Slow clap.

2:52 Adam I just, you know, I have my own feelings about education because I don't have any education.

2:57 There you go.

2:57 Adam I never really hung out with anyone who had any education.

3:01 Drew But now you're stuck with a bunch of people who have education.

3:04 Adam Well, now I have, now I go to, I work with guys. I work with three or four Harvard guys. And literally out of the, the ten, eight, ten writers I hang around with, there's probably three Harvard guys and a brown guy or two, probably four or five Ivy Leaguers. No happier, no smarter, no richer, no anythinger, really. As a matter of fact, they don't get along with the group quite as well. To be truth be told, they're not the most popular of the group.

3:32 Drew Oh, that goes without saying.

3:34 Adam Do not seem to be the happiest and aren't being compensated any more than anyone else out of that room. Now, I'm sure they're being compensated better than a guy driving a garbage truck or a post truck, but I'm just saying, not the dividends. It should have higher, it should pay greater dividends. That's all I'm saying.

3:53 Drew You know, it really is two things in terms of outcome. It's the satisfaction, it's the value in the learning, that just being learned or having an understanding of the human experience is important.

4:07 Adam You don't really teach people to learn or to be learned. They're either into it or they're not. Kids are either curious or they're not.

4:16 Drew I disagree strongly with that.

4:18 Adam I know you have to, but otherwise you'll let some of the pressure off yourself.

4:22 Drew I go through long periods where I was not into it at all. Eventually you get a freedom with it.

4:29 Adam That's a weekend.

4:30 Drew No, I'm not talking about years.

4:36 Adam What years? You were depressed and forced yourself to trudge forward.

4:40 Drew Yeah, that was part of it. But there's a freedom at a certain point where it becomes sort of very satisfied. It sort of breaks through. The other thing is it increases the probability of success. He said decreases, dude. I was going to say decreases the probability of difficulty.

4:56 Adam He said decrease when he meant increase, dude. It increases. Yeah, it helps. But I would argue that if the kids got it, the kids got it.

5:10 Drew I would argue too. Should we just have that be it?

5:14 Adam I don't know what the answer is. I do know this, that nobody I know has really changed much since about the fifth grade. The die was cast. Almost everything in terms of their habits and their abilities. The ones that had legs showed it early. The schooling never seemed to do anything but help facilitate that. But it didn't create it. It was a conveyor belt that helped them move along. And then the losers were just kind of losers. I'm just saying, don't put so much pressure on yourself, Drew. Kids can go to a public school. Your kids can go to a public school. They'll be fine. They're regular people. Eventually, you gotta get out in public.

6:03 Drew I'm just saying.

6:04 Yeah, but still.

6:07 Adam Okay, ready?

6:09 Oh, wait.

6:10 Drew Kurt Cobain's death.

6:11 Adam He died again.

6:13 Drew We're commenting or sort of entertaining calls about that, from which there were none yesterday, even though we asked for them.

6:18 Adam Well, we don't do a great job of setting things up on the show.

6:21 Drew Should we do that a little better right now?

6:23 Adam I don't think it's our fault.

6:25 Drew Nothing's our fault. Don't get me wrong.

6:28 Adam There's no doubt we could do better. There's also no doubt in my mind that even if we did better, it wouldn't work, so let's not try. That's our general philosophy here.

6:39 Drew That's how I go through life.

6:40 Adam That's what got me a fail in Driver's Ed. By the way, no one drives as good as me.

6:45 I'm a maniac.

6:48 Adam Oh, the humanity. All right, you ready, Drew? Oh, yeah, Kurt Cobain. He's dead. Drugs are bad.

6:55 Drew You know, somebody's written a book that's suspecting that he was murdered or that Courtney was involved in. That is such a load of crap. I mean, listen, hear me now. That is based on a completely spurious set of assumptions. They're assumptions...

7:09 Adam You went to college, you know it's spurious.

7:12 Drew Absolutely, impossible. Their thing was they start their whole theory based on the idea that he had too much heroin in his system to kill himself.

7:21 Adam Yeah, I know.

7:22 Drew I love that. I have patients that use more heroin, enough heroin to kill anyone in this room and you would not know they were on heroin because they're very tolerant to it and they don't seem intoxicated. And Kurt Covey was a long time heavy duty heroin addict. And look, he had massive levels of circulating heroin at all times. In the videos we have of him, he has higher levels probably than what he had when he died.

7:45 Adam Look, they always do this. First off, it's so easy to be called a god damn expert in this society. Here's the deal. I've had friends who got in a car accident and then the cops pulled up and said if there was anyone in the passenger seat, he'd be dead. And the guy was in the passenger seat, was standing next to him, talking to him, saying, I'm not dead. He was fine. There's a lot of that that goes on in society. He's done too much. If he did it, if this was, we'd love to do that. They're wrong three-quarters of the time. You know, I saw the expose. They're like, look at his note. Look at his note. You can see at the top, that appears to be Kurt Cobain's writing. And then as he gets toward the bottom of the note, it becomes strained and looks different. It's like he took a lethal dose of heroin. Of course, the bottom part of the page, as the drug starts to take its effect, is the handwriting is a little sloppy or a little broader. That kind of stuff. Your whole argument is that he took too much. So what are you talking about, the bottom of the letter? Yes, and not only do people just profit off of this stuff because they sell books, but it takes a spotlight away from the real problem, which was the drug abuse.

9:00 Caller Yes?

9:01 Drew That and it just panders to stupidity. Paranoia really to me is a mark of foolishness.

9:07 Caller Thank you.

9:10 Adam And you know, the people that interview them, they do some mild chop busting, but they never really...

9:16 Drew No, because they don't know and they don't get people in there to do the right chop busting. And listen, I know Courtney. She is not capable of that. For the record.

9:24 Adam Drew knows Courtney.

9:25 Drew No way.

9:25 Adam Passionate man. Guy knows how he knows her. Passionate woman. You take that passion together. It's like a tidal wave running into a rhino. Boom! Explosion of passion. I like when they do the interviews. Here's the part I like. Aha! Let me just say this, and this is how you know all these guys who do these interviews are hacks and phony. I love it when whenever there's something a little risque, they have to pretend like they don't know what it is. Right. Because somehow if they knew what it was, it would be a bad thing. A speed ball. Now, what is a speed ball?

10:00 Caller Well, listen, you bitch.

10:02 Adam You couldn't research the goddamn thing. You knew you were doing the interview for the last month and a half. You don't know what a speed ball is.

10:07 Drew You know what I'll say? That is talking down to your audience also. That is like, our audience doesn't know what a speed ball is, so make it, make it. Explain it to them. It's more like, Come on.

10:17 Adam I don't want them, I don't want to say, I know what it is. It will make me a junkie. They do this with those, they go, your student, now your son is a six, he's a 16 year old, he's a student over at Louis Pasteur High School. He went to football camp. The kids during a hazing ritual, held him down, did something called, tea bagging?

10:39 What? I don't, what is tea?

10:41 Adam I don't know.

10:41 I've not heard of. You've not heard of? You got all the paperwork from the story. Your editor gave you this thing.

10:48 Adam It's probably been a month. You couldn't have looked up tea bagging on the internet.

10:53 You're lying.

10:54 Drew That's right.

10:55 Adam You know what tea bagging is. You're just pretending like you don't know what it is because it somehow makes you a little holier and a little cleaner and then you can react. That's when the male takes his genitalia and puts it inside the other male's mouth. Oh my goodness.

11:09 Well, is this what tea bagging? What?

11:11 Adam Well, first off, what kind of journalist are you? You don't know the crime? So, it's like, okay, so let's just say you got the paperwork and the son was, they just didn't call it tea bagging. They call it mush popper. Once you go, hey, what is that? Did they stab him? Was it a circle jerk? What went on? Like, of course you know what it is. Just say you know what it is. I hate that. He had his, something called a dirty Sanchez.

11:42 What is that? I've not heard of that.

11:45 Adam I've not heard of that because I'm educated, I'm clean. I would never do a speedball or have my salad taught. So I never, I don't know what these things are. Just like I don't know what heroin is, Drew, because I've never done heroin and I don't know what first degree murder is because I've never killed another human being. I had the same token. Producer Ann doesn't know what vehicular manslaughter is.

12:10 Drew Or teabag.

12:10 Adam Or teap, well, now wait a minute.

12:14 Drew Oh, yes.

12:15 Adam She's a woman of extreme passion herself. I just like to have to, uh-huh, uh-huh, mm-hmm, teabagging. I see. Of course they know. Or they, or it's just bad journalism. They should know.

12:28 Drew Right.

12:30 Adam Yeah. I'm going to interview this family about something I never heard of that was done to their kid. I'll just sit there.

12:34 Drew Well, correct me if I'm wrong. I think there's way too much talking down to audiences. I think audiences like to hear the stories and the language in which they're meant to be told and then go, huh? And I'll listen harder now. Not, you know, of course our audience does not understand what these things mean. So would you please explain them for us? Supposed to just tell them the story and let them figure it out.

12:59 Adam I heard your son ordered a full plate of rim jobs with a side of tea bags. Now, I don't know what that is. I haven't heard of this.

13:09 Drew Yes, is this like a squid dish?

13:11 Adam Should I attempt this? My own son?

13:13 Drew Calamari must be like a rim.

13:16 Adam You know, whenever I hear those stories about the hazing stuff, I was just like, I always go, nah, that's nothing. Oh, really? Please, I had a load of crap smacked on my neck. Tea bag? That's a three, three and a half. Oh, my God. They're visibly disturbed. They're like, oh my God, is he in therapy? It's like, oh my God. What we did to each other in high school, tea bagging, that's it. That's Wednesday. That's not even weekend action. Oh, no. That's a good day. You only got the tea bag?

13:45 Drew Tea bag with the mudslide. Lucky.

13:47 Adam Tea bag with a mudslide and a dirty Sanchez. The mudslide.

13:57 Drew Yeah.

13:59 Adam Hey, you're 18. Good. What's up?

14:05 I actually had a question for Dr. Drew. I got my nipples pierced right after I turned 16 years old.

14:11 Adam Nipples?

14:11 What are nipples?

14:13 Drew In a piercing?

14:14 Adam No, I don't have nipples. What are these nipples? Oh, these lying coozies.

14:22 Okay, well, I got them pierced right after I was 16 and last time-

14:27 Drew Oh, you know, hang on a second, Gia. You know, apropos of these things that drive us crazy. Waiters and I had a restaurant where I took my kids out to dinner and the movie and the waiter was a guy who had been in our studio during the- He was part of the audience, one of the question answers for Loveline, the pilot for MTV.

14:44 Adam Really?

14:44 Drew Yeah.

14:45 Adam Waiter.

14:46 Drew Waiter.

14:46 Adam When his career was moving along.

14:47 Drew Well, he seemed still young, which I found really surprising. I was like, was he 11 when he was- But he's asking a question and he goes, he goes, I thought the funny thing was, though, they were trolling in gay bars for people to come in and ask you guys questions, but we weren't allowed to talk about the fact that we had boyfriends. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's perfect. That's television. There you go.

15:08 Adam So, nipple piercing.

15:10 Yeah, and I took them out last summer and they still really haven't healed and I don't know if they're supposed to because it's going to be scar tissue. I know the scars are still going to be there, but sometimes they still pus and I was wondering if that's really bad or if they'll-

15:26 Drew Is it pus or maybe milk production?

15:30 I don't think it's milk, it's the yellow color.

15:33 Drew Good times.

15:33 Adam All right.

15:34 Drew Well, it's not a good thing. You really need to get that looked at. You may need a course of antibiotic. You actually may even need them surgically sort of debrided.

15:41 Adam Debrided?

15:42 Drew Yeah.

15:42 Adam Oh, that's bad.

15:43 Drew Cleaned out.

15:44 Adam Yeah.

15:44 Drew So yeah, if you do want a breast feed, I would take a good, you know, get someone to look at that. Probably gynecologist or a general surgeon.

15:54 Adam I am telling you people, the nipple piercing for a guy, it's like if you were selling your car and you thought, well, I'll grab an extra road flare and throw it in the trunk and really get a lot more money for this car. To the buyer, don't even know, don't even look there, don't even care.

16:18 Drew And you know what, my sort of instincts tell me that that pierces on the way down, you agree? Yeah. Finally, it's certainly for the girls.

16:26 Adam I see the road flare and I think, it's just the opposite, I think, oh, this guy must break down a lot. I wonder why he's got these flares.

16:32 Drew It means something.

16:33 Adam I get a little suspicious.

16:33 Drew It means something. I'm not quite sure what, but it means something.

16:35 Adam Even worse, yeah. Yeah, it just, look, here's the whole thing with the piercings, ladies, save, look, lose ten pounds. This is what guys want. The piercing, they ain't doing anything for us. I'd do something, dye your hair blonde, start jogging a little more, whatever it is. Give the guy extra BJ. The piercing, not an issue. For us, a little bit of a negative, because it makes me think they're a little bit kooky from doing the show too long. But in general, never knew a guy was...

17:07 Drew Head over heels because of that.

17:08 Adam Doesn't matter.

17:09 Drew Really, anything, yeah.

17:10 Adam Yeah, just look, they're either attracted to you or they're not.

17:13 Drew Well, there's a little game on to the piercing generally. You guys are kind of like a green light.

17:16 Adam You see the tongue piercing and you think they're open for business.

17:20 Drew Right.

17:21 Caller All right, here we go.

17:26 Adam Nathan? You're 23?

17:29 Caller Yes, I am.

17:30 Well, hey, much respect to you guys. I love your guys' show and forever so. Hey, I want to comment on the Cricklebane story. Basically, I have one theory is that, well, of course, anybody who listens to his music is very, very much a fan for his kind of apathetic side and I almost hear that entirely and, you know, in the lyrics and in the music itself and the heroin abuse, I think, just kind of added that kind of sheen on top of what his killing was all about, I think, that his, you know, of course, he committed suicide, I have no doubt about that, but, yeah, you guys are great.

18:13 Adam I agree, I agree.

18:14 Drew We're with you. He's on our side. I think.

18:16 Adam From now on, just to, you know, fax us a little thumbs up.

18:20 Drew No, I think even he was just giving us...

18:22 Adam He was agreeing with us.

18:23 Drew He was agreeing with us. But it is interesting, people want to differentiate his death from his heroin addiction. Right. You got to remember, heroin addicts die. End of story. Most of them. And they die of suicide, they die of infections, they die of overdoses, they die of tumors and various kinds of infections.

18:41 Caller Tumors!

18:43 Adam Tumors! I've not heard that.

18:45 Drew I'm thinking of the hepatitis C.

18:46 Adam Hepatitis! I don't know what that word is. Yeah, and look, here's the thing. You know, people talk about... People talk about, well, as being suicidal, when you're monumentally effed up and there's a shotgun within arm's reach of you, yeah, a little depression helps you kill yourself, but when you're really effed up and there's shotguns in the house with you, you don't have to be completely what you'd call suicidal in order to make a mistake that you can never come back from.

19:23 Drew People theorize that addicts, when they kill themselves, separate from a depressive illness, they're trying to kill the addict.

19:29 Adam Right.

19:30 Drew That they're so overwhelmed and miserable from their disease, they're trying to destroy that part of themselves.

19:35 Adam Yeah, I'm just saying, I've never been into heroin, but I've done my fair share of boozing and whatever else anyone decided to give me. And you make decisions that could have long lasting consequences, and you're not in a great place to make those. You can get venereal disease, you can get pregnant, you can crash your car.

20:01 Drew Here's the thing about those decisions at those moments. You're on drugs.

20:05 Adam Right.

20:06 Drew You're on drugs. You wouldn't make those decisions at other times.

20:09 Adam No, why didn't he kill himself at noon that day? I'm not saying he was one of the Up With People singers. But the massive amount of drugs he was doing and had been doing certainly was a factor. Hannah?

20:26 Drew Hannah.

20:27 Adam Hannah? You're 17.

20:29 Caller Hannah.

20:31 Adam What's happening?

20:34 Caller By the way, let me just say Kurt Cobain, a great man.

20:37 Adam Yeah, but not as passionate as Drew.

20:39 Caller Never as passionate as Drew. Never. Anyway, my mother and father found out that I've been dating a girl for almost a year. My family is Orthodox Jewish.

20:54 Adam Uh-oh. Look at her.

20:56 Caller Very, very religious.

20:58 Drew Has this ever happened before?

20:58 Adam She had to go down on her through a sheet.

21:01 Caller Very religious.

21:02 Drew A shawl, I beg your pardon.

21:05 Adam Nothing more comical than the Orthodox Judaism. That just, that borders on, that's what you call novelty religion there. I mean, that's where it just gets guys with the beards down in their ways and the crazy pay-offs hang around, spitting on each other. It becomes like a bizarre ritual. Comical, like somebody, it's really, Drew and I have talked about this before off the air. It's what you would do if you wanted people to pick on you. It's what you would cook up. That's how you would do it. There's nothing slick about it at all. All right, so what do you guys do? You have Saturday, can't plug anything in.

21:43 Drew Well, no, wait, she's lesbian. That's her problem.

21:44 Adam You're lesbian? Yeah, well, I want to know about the family.

21:47 Caller Okay, well, see, the thing was I came home on Friday, and we live in a fairly Jewish neighborhood. And my best friend, since I was really little, I was like, she bought shalom, that's what we always say. And like, he was like, you might not want to go home. And I was like, why? He was like, because your mother's having a fit. And I was like, about what? Like, just go home and see. And I come home and like, she had my journal in her hand.

22:15 Adam Her what?

22:16 Caller She was cleaning up for a Passover. And like, she was cleaning in my room, and she found my journal and started reading it.

22:25 Adam She didn't Passover that journal.

22:27 Drew You should have put the lamb's blood on it.

22:29 Adam Yeah.

22:30 Drew She didn't let it go by. Oh my God. Oh my God.

22:35 Caller And like, everything.

22:37 Adam And the journal, the journal spoke of you in a lesbian relationship?

22:41 Caller Yes. Oy vey. Oh. But like, I mean, she was like, I'm so mad at you, I won't even light Shabbat candles because you're not spooking me out.

22:52 Adam You're not with the sheikhs, are you? Goyum. You dating a Jew? Because if your grandmother knew... .she would not rest her soul. Well, you gotta have someone who's dead. If her grandmother could rest her health, we should be spinning in her grave.

23:13 Drew From a Sarah.

23:14 Caller Yeah, my mom was like, you better not tell your grandmother, oh my God, or we'll kill her as much as she wants.

23:19 Adam Tell grandmother? I didn't want to tell you.

23:20 Drew Oh my gosh, so Santa, what...

23:24 Adam How's your dad doing?

23:26 Caller He's mostly f***ed off, because you know, he like just, you know, oh I want to do them, grow up and marry, you can be a nice Jewish girl, marry a nice Jewish boy and have nice Jewish children.

23:36 Drew Well, that's interesting. So they're sort of accepting of your orientation.

23:39 Adam He was thinking that, he's scared to talk in front of the mom. He opened up his mouth about eight years ago, got backhanded by mom, and that's been it. He just looks at his shoes now.

23:47 Drew Well, Hannah, so how have they left things?

23:51 Caller They won't, my mom won't even really bucket me.

23:53 Drew Yeah, but what is the anger about it? I mean, in other words, they're sort of angry as though you...

23:58 Adam They're the one grandkids.

23:59 Drew No, I understand. They're disappointed, and they're maybe in pain, but what does it do to... Oh, touch me.

24:04 Caller She'll have plenty of them. There's nine of us.

24:06 Adam Oh, really?

24:07 Caller And one on the way.

24:09 Drew How old is she?

24:10 Caller She is like 47, I think, 45.

24:15 Drew On her tenth kid at 47?

24:17 Caller Mm-hmm.

24:18 Adam What the... Mexican Jews? Chris, what are you...

24:25 Caller Chris and...

24:25 Caller And the younger ones are 13, 10, and 3.

24:33 Adam All right. So she's going to have 175 grandkids. By the way, Hannah, this is abuse, this... Oh, we had, you know, 14 kids. I really do look at that as abuse. You sleep on the Three Stooges tri-bunk bed. You know what I mean? Look, you're 17. You're Jewish. You're a good student, right? What? Are you going to go off to college?

25:02 Caller Probably not for a year, at least.

25:05 Drew Why?

25:05 Caller Because I don't want to go to college. I'm tired of school right now.

25:09 Drew Why?

25:10 Adam Tired of school.

25:11 Caller Yes, I'm just tired of the whole, you know, structure. I want to be, you know, kind of free for a moment.

25:17 Adam What do you want to do when you're older?

25:21 Caller Most likely go into radio broadcasting.

25:24 Adam Yeah.

25:24 Caller Oh boy.

25:25 Adam Yeah. Got the voice for it, baby. What do you guys do on Saturday? Church?

25:38 Caller Yeah. I'm here.

25:39 Adam All right.

25:41 Caller What? Yeah.

25:42 Adam Are you guys allowed to watch TV on Saturdays?

25:45 Caller Not necessarily. We're not really supposed to.

25:49 Caller Oh, all right.

25:50 Adam Your parents don't mind if you do that, right?

25:53 Caller Oh.

25:53 Drew I say it's funny that they react with anger and then not just with some sort of pain or disbelief or disappointment.

26:02 Adam They're all those things.

26:03 Drew But it's kind of, they're leaving her alone. They're not saying, you can't be that way. We're shocked you're that way. It's like, oh my God, we're so mad that you are that way, but that's you. We're mad at you for being that way as though you could choose it, but of course you can't. That's an interesting kind of reaction there.

26:20 Adam Yeah, look, they got 50 other kids they got to worry about.

26:23 Drew They're going to leave Hannah alone.

26:25 Adam Yeah, that's abuse. That really is. Anything over, let's see.

26:31 Drew Five.

26:32 Caller I was going to say five and a half.

26:33 Drew In the day, they'd have a bunch of kids to put into work, A. And by the way, three chorisms.

26:38 Adam Six of them died.

26:39 Drew Yeah, three chorisms wouldn't see ten.

26:41 Adam Yeah, I know. Now when you hear those wacky fans with the 13, it's like, that's abuse. Really, can the kids get the attention that they really need from the parents? Yeah, there's ten kids in the middle. Alright, let's take a break, Drew.

26:56 Drew Yeah, please. I'm disgusted.

26:57 Adam We'll be right back after this. Hey, everybody, it's the Loveline of Adam. That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Who was stank in here tonight? David Tell, the world's funniest stand-up comedian, Wednesday night. And then Alicia Cutbert will be in here from The Girl Next Door. Hot, hot, hot, Drew.

27:23 Drew The Girl Next Door?

27:23 Adam Hot, hot, hot.

27:24 Drew Why don't you read this, Adam, speaking of The Girl Next Door.

27:26 Adam You know what, she got a little cleft in her chin, and I like that. Yeah, yeah. Tell you this, we got a little promotion going on. An all-caller, 17 years and older, will get on, who'll get on the air tonight will win a pair of tickets to see The Girl Next Door. Starring, guess who, Drew?

27:42 Drew Alicia Cuthbert.

27:43 Adam Yeah, I think it's Alicia. I think it's Alicia Cuthbert. I think it's just the power through that the. You can't hit the the, you can't go cuth-bert, or you just sound like a guy got a soft palate poked with a sharp penis.

27:59 Drew Nice.

27:59 Adam You know what I mean? Cuthbert, you sound, Oh yeah, I know. You sound English. All right, and so if you live in Los Angeles area, you can email us right now at girlnextdoorticketsatearthlink.net. Oh, one big, long, fat word. girlnextdoorticketsatearthlink.net, and you get your passes to a special Loveline screening of the movie, The Arclight in Hollywood. And the movie, it opens April 9th.

28:33 Drew Our screening is April 7th.

28:34 Adam Oh, it is. All right, should we write that down or should we say that in my head?

28:37 Caller All right, you sure?

28:39 Adam I'm gonna write it down for my own self. All right, and I'll tell you, that Arclight, oh man, could you do worse. Let me tell you something, kiddies. Here's how it worked. Let me give you, there's a renaissance in movie theaters. Yes, Drew?

28:53 Drew Yes, Adam.

28:55 Adam They started off, they were all great movie theaters. I mean, a big beautiful movie theater.

29:00 Drew They're cathedrals.

29:02 Adam Yeah. Then somebody got the bright idea that, hey, we get 11 movie theaters in the same space and with zero aesthetic value. Just bunkers.

29:12 Drew Bunkers with Hitler's bunker. With television screen size.

29:16 Adam Yeah, 38 or 40 inch or up there. Yeah, but bunker size stuff. And then here's the other thing too. Each Chodoplex had 11 theaters. Three of them were regular size.

29:31 Drew The other eight were puny. One or two is regular size.

29:35 Adam Right, so you never know which one you got stuck with. So you'd go see some epic movie and you got caught in the bunker. You see what I'm saying? Now then somebody figured out, bill that they will come about three or four years ago. This is a lot. Let's start treating people like human beings. Let's start making the sight lines a little better. Start treating them as if they're real food. And they'll show up and be happy. They'll pay an extra couple bucks.

29:59 Drew And they do.

29:59 Adam And somebody decided, by the way, after 75 years of movie theater going and a hundred years of ball game going, going to ball parks, maybe we start serving people normal food, not prison food. Yeah, you know, Yankee Stadium are, well, I mean, it's a bad example, but these stadiums, I'm trying to think of Finway. Open to like 1908, in 1998, decided to serve some decent food. You know what I mean? Like what took 75 to 100 years before they started actually having decent, you know, name brands, you know, you go get some Carl's Jr. or something, or just a burger that was edible?

30:43 Drew Yeah, it's weird.

30:45 Adam Yeah, and by the way, this is why, this is why communism doesn't work. Because here's why they never served edible food, really. What are we going to do? Here's a rule, you can't bring food in the stadium. Second rule, go look at the first rule. Now you eat our slop, and you pay eight bucks, and you're happy about it. There you go, they just torture the people. And by the way, think about that. Think what you get when you don't get competition. You get a $6.75 burger that was boiled, that tastes like ass. That's what you get. And what you get when you got competition, you go down to In-N-Out, you pay a buck, $0.55, you get a burger that's eight times as good as the ballpark one. That's what competition is. And we just try to rule it out. You just get punished for it.

31:35 Drew I think it was with the 84 Olympics when Peter, you brought in all the name brands.

31:40 Adam It still hadn't made its way into the stadiums and everything yet. It started to creep in. I really just noticed it like six, seven years ago.

31:48 Drew Oh, if that.

31:49 Adam It was starting to creep in. Now you can go to a movie theater or a ball game and actually just get some regular food. Yeah, we stepped to Keester food because you go to a movie and Snickers bars, whatever, 50 cents. But back in those days, that would be like 75 cents.

32:09 Drew I remember.

32:09 Adam I imagine. I had to pack. I still have.

32:13 Drew Junior Mets?

32:14 Adam No, I have a marathon bar that's lodged in my colon because we tried to go eight deep.

32:19 Drew I imagine in the Grand Corolla tradition, the Corolla is still Keester candy bars going to the theater.

32:25 Adam Oh, I would imagine. I don't think my mom buys food new. I think she goes to the thrift store and buys pot roast from the... This is a half pot roast from 72.

32:37 Drew I'm somehow relieved it's a thrift store.

32:39 Adam Yeah. Alex?

32:40 Caller Yep.

32:42 Adam 16?

32:42 Caller Yep.

32:43 Adam What's happening?

32:43 Caller First of all, let me just put this out there. I must pay homage to the both of you. Much respect to the both of you.

32:48 Adam Thank you.

32:49 Caller And I'm up here in Seattle. And I went over to... I'm a big Nirvana fan. In fact, the station you guys are on in Seattle, 10770N, they broke a lot of Nirvana. And today they just played all Nirvana until you guys came on just now at, well, just at 10. Well, that's nice. And, well, I went over to the park right next to the house where Kurt Cobain either killed himself or, as you two will not hear out, I don't know really what went on there. But, you know, could have been murdered. But there's this one guy who's really, really into the whole conspiracy theory that, you know, Courtney killed him. And this guy, he would not let people alone. People are just sitting there in these circles having a nice, peaceful, you know, painless respect to the Cobain. And, you know, they have some candles there. They're playing Nirvana songs. He just gets in their face with this camera. He's this guy who runs a public access show here in Seattle, and he was, he's written a book about it, and he's been on, like, the BBC, he's been around. And he's kept shoving cameras in people's faces, and he just wouldn't stop me, kept bad-mouthing MTV2, which was there. And people would yell at him, they're like, you know, F Bob, go ahead, F you, F you back, and then just back and forth. And finally, finally I got to the point where I said, this guy, everybody hates him, we gotta do something. He was a dirty hippie. You'd have a field day with this guy, Adam, you'd love it.

34:07 Drew I'm still getting a feeling there's a punchline coming.

34:09 Adam No, I'm feeling good about this, go ahead, Adam.

34:11 Caller It was, and he was wearing a hat, so he was standing right in front of me pissing a bunch of people. So I just run, I grab the hat, I start running down the street screaming, woo, woo, and everybody's cheering for me. There's security guards around for MTV too. One of them actually encouraged me to do this. They're doing nothing. People started throwing like quarters at the guy. I mean, everybody hated this guy.

34:32 Adam Oh, good. Well, you got his filthy lice crab-ridden hat.

34:37 Caller And then these Pierce County Sheriff's Office guys, they had the rent-a-cop there, you know, they were fine with it. They loved it. They wanted me to throw the hat in someone else's yard so they could go and get him for trespassing when he got it.

34:50 Adam Yeah, nobody... Thanks for calling, Alex. Listen, cops hate hippies, like dogs hate cats, you know what I'm saying? They don't need no hippies. They don't like them long hairs hanging out at the park. Yeah, you know, the bigger picture for me is I always just think there's really just way less than 1% of the people ruining everything for everybody else. Either they're actually physically ruining it for you by getting in your face, or you're not able to walk outside holding your beer because some a-hole six years ago threw one at a car.

35:25 Drew Or you can't watch something on television because somebody wrote a letter.

35:28 Adam Right. It's really way less than 1% of the people in this society that are effing it for the rest of us. And do the math. And think about the democracy that we're living in. If one candidate gets one half of one tenth of 1% more votes, he's in. That's how we do things. You know, if there's nine people and five of them say yay and four say nay, then the eyes have it. And that's the way we do it. What is it that one in five thousand can eff everything for us? Do you know what I'm saying?

36:09 Drew I really think it might be less than that.

36:12 Adam It is.

36:13 Drew It might be one in a hundred thousand.

36:14 Adam Yeah. I can't eat my peanuts on the airplane because somebody's allergic to it. There'll be no smoking on the beach because someone could get some secondhand smoke. There'll be no... You'll be drinking like a retard out of a paper cup everywhere you go in public. Any ball game, any concert, any anything. Because if you have a bottle that could then be thrown or somebody would throw it and then there'd be a lawsuit instead of just punishing the person that did it. Now that's impossible. You can't... I mean, it's really... It's like you're a kid. You can't go anywhere. Like, if you're at a party, you know, here's what ends up happening, Drew. This is where it really kicks in. You go to a party, you're at a club, you're at some concert, you're at some event, and you're drinking and you want to go blow a cigarette, but you can't do it inside because God forbid, there couldn't even be a smoking section inside a blimp hanger size club where everyone's just doing acts and getting loaded anyways because that would be unhealthy, the second hand smoke. So, you've got to go outside if you want to blow a cigarette. Well, if you're holding your drink, you can't go outside with your drink. So, now you've got your drink and you've got to set your drink or ask somebody to hold it. It doesn't matter if you're just stepping four feet out to blow a cigarette. No, no, you cannot walk out holding that beer. It's like, really? How old are you? What's going on? What do I have? Long history of drunken intoxication. I'm like Jim Morrison here. I'm going to go hold up traffic. How about you let me go out, and when I do something wrong, then the punishment. We're all getting punished now. We haven't even done anything. It's just a constant punishment. Just stickers everywhere. I got a beautiful car with a big fat iron on, yellow sticker telling me about the seatbelt restraints and airbags. It's just polluting, ruining the interior of the car. It's all over everything. There's nothing we can do about it. No option. I get my underpants. If I get my hand worked on, I've got to get my underpants turned on.

38:16 Drew Well, underpants might catch on fire, might explode.

38:18 Adam Give me the waiver. Give me the goddamn waiver. I'll sign it. Just move forward. That's all I want. I want the option. I want the option to say, look, I want to walk out holding my drink.

38:27 Caller How about that? Big boy. All right.

38:30 Adam Let's take a little break, Drew. Where are we going?

38:33 Caller You're a big boy.

38:33 Adam I'm a big boy. We'll be right back after this. Hey, everybody. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew.

38:44 Drew And Adam, the speed is posted in one spot.

38:47 Adam Drew and I are angry tonight. Drew is angry. Drew got a speeding ticket. They didn't know who you were, huh, man? Jesus. That's a bummer. Let me tell you this. I'd like to encourage all of my listeners to do it, too. I drive through the red arrows. Now, here's the deal. It has to be no traffic coming. You have to have a green light and a red arrow. And then I just drive through it because I pretend like I'm at the signal that's in front of it or the signal that's behind it or next to it that doesn't have any arrow, in which case it's my light. I pretend like I'm like an adult and I'm going to turn right because I'm going to turn left. Sorry, because the signal is green and there's no traffic to be seen. So instead of sitting there like a tarred waiting to get T-boned or carjacked, I just go ahead like a normal adult thinking about the spirit of the law, not the letter of the law, but the spirit. I turn left. I'm happy to say I've done it a thousand times. I've been yelling about it on the air for about three, four years and I do it every goddamn day and I've never felt better about it. I've saved tons and tons of time and I've not got a ticket yet. I'm ready to get it though. I'll gladly take it. If I get one tonight for going through an error on the way home, I'll still be way ahead of the game. And yes, oh, Drew, I could just do five hours on the traffic thing in this LA and the cops and these posties and their stupid... Okay, we got to raise the speed limit. That's it. Speed limit should be whatever's safe and whatever you can do. Yeah? Yeah.

40:22 Drew I won't think about that.

40:23 Adam All right.

40:23 Caller All right.

40:24 Adam I'm just... I just... I go berserk.

40:27 Caller Yeah.

40:28 Adam Let's not go berserk, Drew.

40:30 Caller Melissa?

40:32 Adam You're 18? Imagine the utopia if we all just went through all those goddamn red arrows. Let's just ignore them. All of us. We just all went through it, like adults, like human beings. Just go through them. I just drive through them. I drive through every single one of them, and I laugh like a hyena. I stop, I look around, I don't see any cops. I blow right through them, and you schmucks just sit there rotting. Just sitting there rotting, staring at a green light with no traffic coming, just rotting away. Let's just drive through them.

41:01 Caller Let's just go through them. Make sure it's safe, and then turn left, like you would do anyway.

41:09 Adam Oh, God damn, all we have in this godforsaken dump of a town is them talking about the congestion and gridlock, and then they got everyone sitting at god damn red arrows. Oh, drives me nuts this town. What's happening baby, what can we do for you?

41:25 Well, okay, when my boyfriend and I have sex, and he calls me for like the next 20, 30 minutes afterwards, it's just really, really painful, and it just burns and stings really bad, and so I don't know why. I was wondering if it's possible to be like allergic to it or something.

41:44 Drew It's possible, it's possible, however, it's more likely that you already have some sort of irritation in there and just exposing it to the semen, then it irritates things further.

41:52 Adam Well, yeah, what does semen, is it salty, Drew? Because it really burns my eyes.

41:59 Drew Your eyes, I know.

42:00 Adam Yeah.

42:00 Drew I didn't mean to do that.

42:02 Adam No, I think it was Chris said he ate Mexican.

42:06 Drew How dare you?

42:07 Adam Well, I'm not, I mean, it was only one, I mean, you were, I mean, Dr. Bruce was, oh, Christ, no, this is uncomfortable. All right, so, Melissa, are you guys having sex for, you know, 30 minutes, did you say? How long did you say? Uh-oh. What? That's a bad sign.

42:25 Drew No, no, God, no, God, no.

42:27 Adam How long had, do you have sex before he has his orgasm? Is it vigorous?

42:34 No, it's not. It's normal. Wow.

42:38 Drew I still think.

42:38 Adam By the way, I picture him just listening in his car and, is it go on for 30 minutes? No. Now he starts driving toward the bridge. Is it vigorous? Now he just cranks the wheel and goes bust right through the guard rail, plunging down a ravine.

42:54 Drew No, not at all. Melissa, have you had a pelvic exam in the last six months or so? Had a pelvic exam? Yeah. How long ago? How long have you been with this guy? How long have you been having sex with him? And this burning thing has only recently started?

43:16 Caller No, after like, about after two months that we were having sex, it started. And now like it's gone to the point where we can't, like he can't, he has to pull out because it just hurts me too bad.

43:28 Adam Probably not the world's worst thing.

43:30 Drew No, no, not at all. I mean, why should this guy be ejaculating in her at that age unless she's, I guess, on the pill?

43:35 Adam Well, it's probably on the, I'm hoping she's on the pill. Are you on the pill, Melissa?

43:39 Caller Yeah.

43:40 Drew I mean, it's sometimes the pills can make your vagina sort of estrogen efficient. And do you have irritation and dryness generally of the vagina?

43:48 Caller No.

43:48 Drew No. You see, I just get the sense that there's something going on there that you need to get checked out.

43:53 Adam Gynecologist?

43:54 Drew Gynecologist, yeah. Because yes, you can react to the semen, yes, you can be allergic, but more commonly, you just have some other source of vaginal inflammation or irritation.

44:01 Adam Does semen, would it irritate? I mean, there's stuff that comes out of your body that sort of stings like a urine and duke if it's high enough velocity, you know, if it comes at you hard.

44:11 Drew Yeah, I know you have that.

44:12 Adam If it throws it over hand, it will leave a mark.

44:15 Drew Can you show me?

44:17 Adam Let me.

44:18 Drew Oh my God.

44:19 Caller Oh, the humanity. Yeah.

44:22 Adam But semen and like, wait a minute.

44:24 Drew Was he over superior?

44:27 Adam What hold on. Isn't semen like mucus?

44:31 Drew Yeah, it's fairly inert. It's designed to be put there.

44:35 Adam Yeah, I know it. I know.

44:37 Drew Yeah, you should.

44:37 Adam I like to put it everywhere else, you know.

44:39 Drew But I'm still trying to figure out this huge mark in the back of your neck. This was male superior? Where was he? What was the position? This was flung by manually?

44:52 Caller Yeah, it's manually flung.

44:53 Drew I think it was ejected from the.

44:55 Adam No, no. And I don't know what that is. Jordan? Hey, you're 17. All right, buddy. You have a Germany or Florida for us?

45:04 Caller Yes, I do. Things are sick and twisted for too much fun in Nazis, sex, meth and death fetishes. Both of them have got these guarantees, not the Boria, Germany or Florida.

45:14 Adam All right. Go ahead, Jordan.

45:16 Caller OK.

45:17 Caller A man in Germany placed an ad in a classified asking for volunteers to allow them to be eaten. After six months of the ad in the paper, a 25 year old man responded to it. He met with the man at his house and discussed the plans. Then the man who wanted to be eaten, the volunteer, cut a piece of the man's thigh, then cooked it. Both then in ritualistic manner, ate the muscle. Afterwards, the volunteer was killed willingly. Because the volunteer wrote out a letter of permission, the German, ah crap, the courts could only prosecute the guy for assisted suicide.

46:01 Adam All right, all right, read the top of the article real quick too, Jordan.

46:06 Drew The opening sentence.

46:07 Caller German man eaten.

46:09 Drew Yeah. You mentioned that to us at the opening.

46:12 Caller You know what?

46:15 Adam All right, all right, buddy. That's all right.

46:16 Drew A little self-editing.

46:18 Adam Yeah, but no, you don't have to wipe it out. You can just take your pen and go ahead and scratch it off. But make sure it doesn't look like it's underlined because you'll go, a German man. All right, buddy. Well, thanks for the trial. I'll send you on a windbreaker.

46:31 Drew We actually heard that story.

46:32 Adam I did hear that one, too.

46:33 Drew We know it's been on here.

46:35 Adam I've never heard a Germany or Florida where the guy actually worked in a German man and a German court into the same in the same paragraph. Holy Christ. How stoned do you have to be? We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. Phone number 1-800-LE-VE-191. I got this thing, I think it's a splinter or something. It keeps getting growing and stuff. I thought it was just a cut, but there's something in there. It's trying to push out my finger in the splinter. It's a little pussy, and oh, please, it's fine. But I mean, it's growing, you know, it's got a little energy to it. There's stuff that's dead, and then there's stuff that's alive, that's alive. You know, there's like, there's like old zits and new zits.

48:00 Drew That may be an infected cut.

48:01 Adam Yeah, it's an infected cut, because it was a scrape and nothing went in there.

48:05 Drew There may be something in there, but it doesn't look like it, though.

48:07 Adam No, it's just a scrape, it's just an infected cut.

48:09 Caller All right.

48:10 Drew Hot water, hot soaks.

48:11 Adam Hot water, hot soaks? All right, well, good times, good times.

48:15 Caller Neosporin.

48:16 Adam All right, let's talk to-

48:18 Drew Factor Man, if you got that, did I ever get you that?

48:20 Adam Who? Factor Man.

48:22 Drew Factor Man's good.

48:24 Adam He was Aquaman's buddy. Who's Factor Man, what's Factor Man?

48:29 Drew It's a good, really powerful topical antibiotic.

48:31 Adam Yeah, what's Aquaman's buddy?

48:34 Drew Factor Man.

48:35 Adam What the hell is that, like Minnow or something? You're 23?

48:40 Caller I sure am.

48:41 Adam Yeah, all these guys had a young gay sidekick to make them look a little better, you know what I mean?

48:46 Drew It's always like Batman and Robin.

48:47 Adam Right, even there was like Wonder Boy 2 or something, Superman had a sidekick at some point.

48:55 Drew What did Space Ghost, who do you have?

48:58 Adam Space Ghost.

48:59 Drew Altar.

49:03 Caller Hi, thanks for taking my call, guys. Hardly waited on hold at all. Anyways, I am in Vegas right now and just stopped off as I was driving across the country and I had sex with a escort and it was my first time ever having sex.

49:18 Adam Oh really?

49:18 Drew Ever having sex, period.

49:20 Caller Period, yeah.

49:21 Adam So you're 23, you were a virgin up until last night?

49:25 Caller Up until 45 minutes ago.

49:27 Adam 45 minutes ago? All right, and did you enjoy yourself?

49:33 Caller I guess not as much as I had expected or had built it up to be.

49:37 Drew How come?

49:37 Caller Yeah, I guess it was, I wasn't sure what the physical temptation would be and it was not quite what I expected. It was enjoyable but not mind blowing.

49:49 Drew Did you wear a condom?

49:51 Caller Yes.

49:52 Adam You gotta wear a condom.

49:53 Drew Good.

49:53 Adam And what about the woman? Were you attracted to her?

49:57 Caller She wasn't the woman in the picture on the website but she was not bad looking.

50:01 Adam She was good looking. That chick never seems to be around.

50:06 Caller Yeah, well I wasn't too surprised.

50:09 Adam Yeah, but you were attracted to her?

50:11 Caller Yeah, she definitely had a great body.

50:14 Adam And now did you fall in love with her?

50:17 Caller Oh, absolutely not.

50:18 Adam All right, there wasn't any, you know, once in a while, especially when you've had a lot of love to give for many years.

50:24 Caller Yeah, that's what I was afraid of and I'm glad that didn't happen but.

50:28 Adam All right, and so you had intercourse.

50:33 Caller Yes.

50:33 Adam You get any oral sex?

50:35 Caller Yeah, first the oral then the intercourse.

50:38 Adam Yeah, that's nice. Oral with the condom?

50:41 Caller Yes.

50:42 Adam Yeah, seems bizarre.

50:44 Caller But I wouldn't have had it any other way with it, that's great.

50:47 Adam Oh, really?

50:48 Caller Yeah.

50:48 Adam Yeah, I could probably, they could probably ply me with a little Jägermeister that might come off with the oral. Well, what's your question?

50:56 Caller Yeah.

50:57 Caller Well, you know, I've been seeing a therapist back in Charlotte where I'm moving from for the last four or five months. And I guess one of the main topics and one of the reasons I went to therapy was the fact that I've had very little success in the area of female relationships.

51:15 Adam Well, you just nailed the hooker. Come on, what could you be doing?

51:20 Caller And, you know, I think on the long drive out towards California, I kind of, you know, had a lot of time to myself and time to think. And I decided I kind of just wanted to get this, I guess, monkey off my back of still having my virginity at this age. And I decided to kind of pull the trigger.

51:38 Adam Well, now why do you think you were a virgin up until the ripe old age of 23?

51:43 Caller All right. You know, I wish I could answer that question. It's, I mean, I think I'm a pretty confident guy in every area except for with females, definitely confident work and confident in my academic life.

51:59 Adam But now- Let me explain, hold on a second. Let me explain something about how women work. Once you start to spiral a little bit, you get punished for it sexually. I mean, you don't get stuff. The guys who, you know, you could have been walking down the street and fall into a giant vagina when you were 15 and a half, and you would have been paid with more sex by those women in your school and around you. When you got that sort of stink of the guy who can't score, it becomes-

52:34 Drew A self-fulfilling prophecy.

52:35 Adam And it becomes like an unspoken collaboration between all women of world. Like, hey, we gotta now keep this guy virgin till he's 70.

52:44 Drew Isn't that weird?

52:47 Adam It is weird because as a guy, you find a woman, like, you know, you find the, you know, male version, a female version of Joe.

52:56 Drew You're like-

52:57 Adam They do that, you know, with guys, you'll hear that. You go, well, you know, I've been told I'm attractive and I'm a good student and I make a decent living and I'm athletic and I just haven't been able to put anything together. That does not exist in the female world. There's no attractive, athletic, a well-to-do woman who can't get laid.

53:16 Drew What that must mean, though, see, for the woman, the reason that there's no such version of that is that she doesn't have to put forth any drive.

53:22 Adam Right.

53:23 Drew She has to just not say no.

53:24 Adam Just to field offers, yes.

53:25 Drew Yeah, and not just not fend them off.

53:28 Adam Right.

53:29 Drew And it's game on. But for a guy, they've got to institute a behavior, a drive.

53:34 Adam So if their confidence-

53:35 Drew Well, no, that means he's not doing any of that.

53:38 Adam Well-

53:38 Drew You gotta do a lot of that.

53:39 Adam It's a couple of things. A, their confidence is not great, so it makes it difficult to execute that. B, the women have that unspoken thing where they have that, he has the stink of a loser on him.

53:51 Drew No, I understand that's all there. And he may behave in a way that sort of makes that even more apparent.

53:56 Adam Yes, but the stink of a hooker is more attractive to other women than the stink of a loser.

54:03 Drew Yeah.

54:04 Adam Isn't that great?

54:04 Drew Yeah.

54:05 Adam Joe, what do we want women for? That's a real, that should be the topic for tonight. We should focus on cars and sports and call it a life. Joe, you could be our accountant or something. All right, so look, so now you went and got it over with. Yeah. Fine, it was enjoyable, but not the experience it had been built up to be. And it's never gonna live up to that. Because you've been thinking about this since, you know, you were 15. So, fine, you got it over with. That was good. Now, you feel like you have a little more momentum because you have the sort of stink of the virgin off you. You've lifted the curse. And you can go out and be with a woman. Don't tell her you're with a prostitute, ever. None of them. Do you understand?

54:51 Caller Yeah, you're the only people I plan on telling.

54:53 Adam Thank you. It's unnecessary. It's absolutely unnecessary. People think they need to come clean with that kind of stuff. No, no. You freak a chick out.

55:01 Caller Yeah.

55:02 Adam Yeah, chicks get freaked out. I mean, Drew, you made that mistake, right?

55:04 Caller What?

55:05 Adam Telling the old lady about the, the gal, you know.

55:10 Drew The, the, the, the professional.

55:12 Adam Tripped Indonesia.

55:13 Drew Never did that.

55:14 Adam No, never did the prostitute. No, me neither. What are you gonna do?

55:22 Drew Is there something wrong with this?

55:23 Adam Drew, why, why not you? Is it a man of such extreme passion?

55:26 Drew I guess it never, it never really crossed my mind.

55:30 Adam Really?

55:31 Caller Okay.

55:32 Drew Thank goodness, cause that was back in the day of AIDS and things like that.

55:34 Adam Yeah.

55:35 Drew People weren't really, yeah.

55:40 Caller Sophia?

55:41 Yeah.

55:42 Adam You're 17?

55:43 Caller Hey guys, you guys are awesome.

55:45 Adam Thanks baby doll. What's up?

55:46 Caller All right, to sum it all up, I got kicked out of my Catholic all girls school this year.

55:55 Adam Yeah.

55:56 Caller Stuck in a mental hospital for a week. And let's see, I got kind of pissed off with everything and I flew to Massachusetts to date her for three months, got introduced to the wonderful world of drugs.

56:07 Drew What were you doing in Massachusetts?

56:10 Caller I had a friend that lived out there and she, yeah, she moved here like a week ago.

56:14 Caller You had a what?

56:15 Drew A friend that lived out there.

56:18 Caller Yeah.

56:18 Adam A friend. How do you afford to fly out there? It's gonna be, your parents have money?

56:24 Caller I had my lived out.

56:27 Adam All right, so you flew out to Massachusetts and you're calling from Los Angeles.

56:33 Caller Yeah, I came back like two months ago.

56:36 Adam Your parents live in Los Angeles?

56:38 Caller Yeah, they do. I made up this whole lie to them and my friend's mom went along with it that I was gonna put her and her parents. Yeah.

56:47 Adam All right, so you went there and you just started doing drugs.

56:50 Caller Yeah.

56:51 Adam And now what?

56:52 Caller Yeah, and now I'm back and I am on my hunt for coke here. I got introduced to crystal meth and I-

57:02 Adam I don't believe I know what that is. What is crystal meth? Speed.

57:08 Caller Now, I'm just kind of wondering what the long-term effects of it is basically.

57:16 Drew Well, there are multiple levels to that question.

57:19 Adam Speed is the nastiest of all drugs, I think. It really, you see these emaciated people, they're chain smoking, they're picking at themselves.

57:28 Drew Yeah, causes of picker syndrome.

57:29 Adam It's just- It's a real, it's a super white trashy drug.

57:36 Drew Well, eventually you will become paranoid and you will begin believing that friends, family, coworkers, neighbors are plotting against you or gonna have you arrested or gonna have you killed or something and you will potentially become violent in response to all that. That's number one. Number two, you will have, you are in the process of developing a severe addiction, which is a potentially fatal and a progressive illness.

57:58 Adam How addicting, where does speed rank with coke?

58:02 Drew It's not as rapidly addictive, but it's more subtly and perniciously addictive. In other words, cocaine fast addictive. Speed, once you get going with it, it's very hard to stop, very hard. So, and finally, and the more serious issue with speed is that it damages, it actually carves out, I know, I'm trying to think of a dramatic way to say this. If I were to do CAT scans or PET scans on your brain, I would see areas of holes in your brain where the mood centers were, where the memory centers are. So, the sign that you're gonna have chronic.

58:34 Adam A lot of chicks have that where the math used to be.

58:36 Drew Yeah. The math part is gone. This is actually the mood problem, which makes it worse.

58:41 Caller I don't know what to do because I got put into a mental hospital for a severe depression, suicide attempt after I got kicked out of school. And no, that was actually during school. But now, as sad as it sounds, I am such a better person on math, like in every way possible. I know it's really sad, but it's really true. Like I can function so much better on it.

59:01 Drew It's your perception. And in fact, the reason people do drugs in the first place in all cases is that they work. They make you feel better and they make you function better. And then they don't. And when they don't, you can't stop. And that's what addiction is.

59:17 Adam All right. So you got to get some help, baby, Don.

59:20 Drew People don't do drugs because they don't work. They do them because they make them feel better, make them function better, make everything better for a short while. And then the house of cards collapses.

59:32 Caller Yeah.

59:33 Caller I'm mixing antidepressants and like stuff like that. Is that bad in any way?

59:37 Adam No, that's very healthy, very positive.

59:42 Caller All right.

59:42 Adam Oh, look, you gotta get some help. What are you doing? Are you living at home? Did you move home?

59:46 Caller Yeah, I'm living here at home.

59:48 Adam All right. Hey, your parents don't see that you're on drugs?

59:51 Caller No, not at all. They thought I was before when I wasn't because according to them, if you're suicidal, you're crazy or on drugs.

1:00:00 Adam Let me have a point.

1:00:01 Caller Now I'm acting totally normal and to them I am like sober.

1:00:05 Drew You'll get paranoid.

1:00:06 Adam Get yourself some help, please. Here's the thing, everybody. And by the way, I get one of these kids, I'm freezing them.

1:00:19 Drew What, your kids?

1:00:20 Adam Yeah, I'm dipping them in liquid nitrogen and that's it. I can't be brought up, eh, maybe manslaughter. I believe if I moved to Nevada or try to Nevada, I will not be convicted. Maybe I get like involuntary manslaughter. I do 18 months. Meanwhile, the kid.

1:00:36 Drew For freezing a kid?

1:00:37 Adam Isn't, well, the kid will be in a state of suspended animation. But not dead. Not dead. The heart may stop beating, but the soul does not die.

1:00:47 Drew Right.

1:00:48 Adam By the way, the kid's 16, 17, good as new. We bring the kid back when, you know, we have some drugs to straighten them out.

1:00:57 Drew Right.

1:00:57 Adam That's gonna be my plan because, oh, if I get one of these daughters that's just, I hate you and I got to do, it starts trying. It's just looking like Avril Lavigne and doing speed balls. Oh, I'm gonna have to kill myself, Drew.

1:01:13 Drew Yeah, you will.

1:01:14 Adam I don't know what to do.

1:01:16 Drew You will.

1:01:16 Adam I got to hire someone to like, I will stage a takeover gang like attack on my home.

1:01:25 Drew Yeah.

1:01:25 Adam You know what I'm saying? Scare the bejesus out of her. Maybe give her like a pistol whip, something. I don't know what the hell to do.

1:01:32 Drew She'll use more. That's clear that you don't know what to do.

1:01:34 Adam Yeah, I'm going to freeze her. I'll have to freeze her.

1:01:37 Drew That's a better idea.

1:01:40 Caller I hate you.

1:01:43 Drew It's a good news. You won't get any of that.

1:01:45 Adam Oh, no, I won't.

1:01:48 Caller Oh, yeah.

1:01:48 Adam No, my kids are going to know. They'll be scared. Healthy, a healthy fear, a healthy fear. Nothing wrong with a little respect for the elders, Drew. All right, she's got to get in some rehab or something.

1:02:01 Drew She needs treatment, absolutely. Oh, all right.

1:02:05 Adam And here's what we're saying. This is the essence of the show, besides me complaining about traffic laws in this city. We talk to people at 16, we talk to people at 23, we talk to people at 35. We see where it's going. You don't have to quit whatever you're doing at 17. You can string it out for a few years. Maybe get raped a time or two because you're hanging around with drug addicts and you're in places you shouldn't be at the wrong time.

1:02:33 Drew The brain damage gets worse.

1:02:34 Adam You get a little bit of brain damage, so you got to get on some mood stabilizing stuff when you're a little bit older. And you end up getting a few skeletons in your closet. Maybe you gave a homeless guy a hand to get a hit or something. You know, there's a couple of little things. And then, oh, in the worst case scenario, you find Jesus Christ. Then your life's really over. But you screw up, you get a couple of wrinkles and maybe a scar and maybe a little hepatitis and some pink eye. And then five years later, all you do is drink three pots of coffee a day and chain smoke. And if you're lucky, you're still alive.

1:03:06 Drew At meetings, hopefully.

1:03:07 Adam Yeah, and your parents aren't, you've burnt a few good bridges. All right, you could do that. You could spend the next five, six years doing that. Or you could just sort of fix it now.

1:03:16 Drew Yeah.

1:03:16 Adam Just get to it now.

1:03:17 Drew And have a life.

1:03:18 Caller And have a life.

1:03:19 Drew I mean, really, at 17, you're on the launching pad and that trajectory is not gonna be too pretty. All right, if you let it spiral.

1:03:25 Caller Jose? Oh, yeah.

1:03:28 Adam You're 17?

1:03:29 Caller Yeah. Yeah, I got a... Oh, this question was for Dr. Drew.

1:03:32 Caller Yeah.

1:03:33 Caller Yeah, I got a problem with my penis.

1:03:34 Caller It's like, there's like brown spots on it. I was wondering if it was like a disease or something.

1:03:38 Caller You know, like you should go get it checked out by a clinic or something like that.

1:03:42 Drew Are you sexually active?

1:03:42 Adam That's your balls, by the way. I thought that myself. Are you active sexually?

1:03:46 Caller No, not really.

1:03:48 Drew So how would you have gotten the disease?

1:03:50 Caller No, I was just wondering if it was or not, you know, like...

1:03:52 Drew Well, how would you have gotten? Let's just use some logic for a second.

1:03:56 Adam Well, have you been sexually active in the past?

1:04:00 Caller Actually, no.

1:04:03 Adam Hey, you don't know where that hand's been. That hand could have been with many other people. And let me tell you something. When you beat off Drew, you are with every partner that hand has been with. Yeah. When you don't wear a gardening glove. Do you understand, Drew?

1:04:17 Drew It's devastating, yes, I know.

1:04:19 Adam Okay, put it this way. Hold on a second. Every guy you've ever shaken hands with is putting his hand on your dork when you masturbate.

1:04:30 Drew Disgusting.

1:04:31 Adam Yeah, I'm left handed though.

1:04:34 Drew Ah, that's why.

1:04:35 Adam Ah-ha, so I do, I shake with my right, Jack with my left. Thank you very much. You see what my logic is. But you righties, and I know Chris, he's an orthodox jacker, right, Chris? Chris? Yeah.

1:04:50 Drew Suddenly he's not so anxious to talk on the radio.

1:04:53 Adam Well, he's gotta go home as folks are listening.

1:04:57 Drew Just his mom.

1:04:59 Caller Mijo, what are you doing in the, nothing!

1:05:05 Adam I know what goes on at that hour. Now the mom's Italian.

1:05:07 Drew That's right.

1:05:08 Adam The dad's the, the dad's the Mexican. All right, so, yeah, Jose, that's right. That's right, Jose. You're fine, it can't be a venereal disease because you haven't had sex.

1:05:19 Caller It was like maybe like a birthmark or something, kind of something like that maybe.

1:05:23 Drew Yeah, but Jose, you're not even describing to me what we're talking about. All I know is that something is coming.

1:05:29 Caller It's like brown spots, like on my penis.

1:05:31 Drew Yeah, well that doesn't help. If you want somebody to evaluate it, go have it evaluated just to be sure, but.

1:05:36 Adam Yeah, go to the doctor. It's a little skin discoloration.

1:05:40 Drew It's probably nothing.

1:05:42 Adam Let me give you my three stages of Mijo. I've not done this one in a while. Somebody at the office wanted me to do this the other day and it reminded me. This is Chris' mom, engineer Chris' mom calls him Mijo, as you know. And this is her, and this is the three Mijos. The first one is, she's come back from the market. She's gonna help. She's gonna make Chris some Manuto. That's his favorite.

1:06:11 Drew Is that better? She wants help taking the groceries up.

1:06:13 Adam She's just announcing her arrival. She's in a good mood. She's gonna make Chris some, what I say, some Manuto. Manuto, that's his favorite dish. She's Italian. Don't screw up the story. She calls him Mijo. So she comes, he's got some Mexican in him. It's funnier if it's his mom. So she walks through the door. And this is the first Mijo.

1:06:38 Caller That's how I'm home.

1:06:39 Adam She's announcing her arrival.

1:06:40 Drew Good, good.

1:06:42 Adam Now, it's a little bit dark. She sees his bicycles in the driveway. The light should have been on by now. He's usually watching TV in the living room.

1:06:51 Drew She's coming home. There's all three coming home.

1:06:54 Adam She's still, now she's walking through the house. She's going further. She's gone down the entry hall. She's still holding the bag of groceries, but it's gotten dark outside. No one's turned the lights on it. Now we get the suspicious one. This is what's going on. Is he here? Is there foul play afoot? Who? Now, she goes up the stairs, opens Mijo's door.

1:07:18 Drew Oh my God.

1:07:18 Adam We see she's still holding the grocery. We see at camp, our point of view is behind the swinging legs of Mijo's. He's hung himself, but we see her as the legs go by.

1:07:31 Drew Even worse, he's...

1:07:34 Adam Auto-erotic asphyxiation. She drops the groceries in slow motion. We see the eggs and the tomatoes. So smash it on. And then this is the third one. So those are the three.

1:07:48 Drew Three stages of Mijo.

1:07:49 Adam Yeah, that's what happens.

1:07:52 Caller All right.

1:07:53 Adam So should I go through them again? No, no, I got it.

1:07:55 Caller You got it?

1:07:57 Adam Well, take ourselves a little break. And when we come back, we're going to speak to Tim, who's 17, has a theory about Kurt Cobain's death. Be prepared for disappointment, folks. That's all I can tell you. I will be happy if it's a well-constructed sentence.

1:08:17 Drew I'll be happy if the theory is just his heart stopped beating. You know, just some matter of fact theory.

1:08:22 Adam How many theories have we heard on this show since we've been here, since I've been here?

1:08:26 Drew Yeah.

1:08:27 Adam Several hundred?

1:08:27 Drew Oh yeah. And they've been all just clairvoyant. Theory unfortunately does not even begin to approximate a definition of what these things actually were.

1:08:36 Adam Well, this will be good. All that after this. Hey everybody, it's Love Line. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. So again, the middle Mijo, where something, there's trouble afoot, but we don't know, we're confused.

1:09:09 Caller Me-ho? Me-ho?

1:09:13 Adam Can you hear me? I'm calling your name.

1:09:17 Caller Yes. All right, all right.

1:09:20 Adam You ready to keep rolling here? Who was stank in here tomorrow night? We haven't spoken to the who was stank in a while. Good kids. Yeah, then Dave Attell, one of the best standups out there. Let's say the best standup out there. Let me go on a limb. I've seen Dave do his standup. One hour of hilarity. And I'm not just saying that. I mean, ask any comedian. Definitely funniest guy out there right now. And then Thursday night, Alicia Cuthbert is gonna be in here from the girl next door, smoking hot, blonde with a clef in her chin. I like a little clef. That's my thing. Nice. Nothing wrong with that. It's kind of a masculine feature, but it can look good on a check. You're gay. Yeah, she's blonde too, Teresa. You'll be in there. I think she's petite. Tim?

1:10:16 Caller Yeah.

1:10:18 Adam Yeah, yeah, you got a theory about Kurt Cobain's death? Yeah, hold on, I'm gonna put a shotgun in my mouth. I gotta be prepared for one of our, I'm gonna finally be prepared for the Loveline callers and their theories, yeah. Go ahead, Tim.

1:10:32 Caller Okay, well, first of all, you know how like, there was, I guess a lot of will talk at the time about how like Kurt was gonna leave Courtney, like the divorce.

1:10:41 Adam Will talk, yes, talk about him changing his will.

1:10:45 Caller And well, anyway, they were gonna get divorced, right?

1:10:48 Adam Well, maybe, hold on, Mijo disagrees. He made a, he doesn't talk, but he does grunt. Yeah, once in a while I hear, uh, it's like lurch, lurch over there, uh, he disagrees. Sometimes he agrees, uh, there are times he disagrees, uh, hi.

1:11:11 Caller Oh yeah, anyway, well, if they were divorced, then Courtney only would have got a half of everything he made. But if he would have died, then she would have got everything.

1:11:20 Adam Yeah, I know what, here's the whole, here's the whole thing. I watched these, all these Dateline shows and these 48 Hours, all this stuff. And they always do that. They always, they always go like this too. But what was the motive? The motive, the oldest one there is.

1:11:34 Drew Money.

1:11:34 Adam Money. And they go, and then, and then they fly, then they float this stuff. They go, she had an album that was due to come out. If he had divorced her when, before that album came out, it would have never, it's like, wait a minute. First off, nobody really heard of Courtney Love before. Listen, people started hearing of her about a year after he died. Well, when he died is when, when you heard of her. And then about a year later, then whenever Hole released her album, it took a year or so to get, get going. It's not me if I'm wrong here, Chris, but it wasn't like they released a record the day he died and then a week later it was a big hit. Yeah, it seemed like it was a year, two years later. But the point is, is him divorcing her would have been a good thing for the release of the album. It would have got her all over the news. You know, I mean, it's like, they're like, imagine if he divorced her during it. But this is rock and roll, by the way, this isn't the Royal Family, right? Writing a book on etiquette that's due to be released or how does our 20 steps have a great marriage and get divorced. Oh, the humiliation. No, this is a famous guy whose wife you don't know the name of. And if they would have got divorced when the whole record came out, it probably would have been a pretty good thing for record sales. Would have been all over the tabloids and she would have been all over the place. It would have been, everyone would have been interviewing her about what went wrong with the marriage. And she would have said, buy my record, by the way. It's a retarded theory that all this press when you're releasing a record is somehow going to kill record sales.

1:13:12 Drew And by the way, when he died, was there a mention of Courtney Love? Did anybody think about her at that point? You know what I'm saying?

1:13:20 Adam Yeah.

1:13:20 Drew It was all about Kurt.

1:13:21 Adam Yeah.

1:13:21 Drew 100%.

1:13:23 Adam And then she delivered her speech and then a while later record got famous. But it really seemed like almost independent of him. I think people liked the Hole record because here's the other thing too, everybody. The first Hole record was a good record. So people bought it and people liked it. And Hole was a good band and fun to watch and all that. Whatever it was. It had nothing to do. She could have been married to, you know, the Count of Monte Crisco. You know what I'm saying? Did I say Crisco?

1:13:52 Drew Yes, you did.

1:13:52 Adam I meant Cristo. Crisco is a lard. It's short. It's used for cooking. Here's Mijo says he uses it for other things, by the way, and then he winked. It's a little bit like Aloha. The point is, she sold the record because it was a good record. It didn't have anything to do with anything. The divorce wouldn't have done anything. So by the way, the motive of, and by the way, getting divorced from somebody where you get half of everything they have and they have an estate that's worth quite a bit of money, you do all right. Put it this way, people who are getting divorced from wealthy people, do they kill them?

1:14:35 Drew Right.

1:14:36 Adam No, the chicks get the money.

1:14:37 Drew Get everything. Yeah.

1:14:38 Adam Yeah. They'll just go, I mean, that's what they do. They clean them out.

1:14:42 Drew By the way, if somebody were going to, especially when there's a kid involved, and by the way, if there's somebody going to kill somebody, the husband kills the wife.

1:14:49 Adam Yeah. That's how it works. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not going to give you half of my money.

1:14:53 Caller Or more.

1:14:54 Adam I'll see you in hell. Or more.

1:14:56 Caller All right.

1:14:56 Adam That's what's going to happen with Drew. Natalie?

1:15:01 Caller What's happening?

1:15:02 Well, I heard that Dr. Drew got a ticket.

1:15:05 Drew Yes.

1:15:06 And I called because I'm a traffic school instructor, and I'm originally from Orange County, but I'm the supervisor over all the other instructors, and so I can teach where I want. So, if you want, I can have my supervisor schedule me out where you are, and you can come to my class, and I'll pay for you to come to my class.

1:15:27 Drew Oh, my God. How do I get? I have to go to court, though, to get the class? You just get the assignment?

1:15:34 You just pay the ticket. They'll ask you if you want to go to traffic school. If you haven't had traffic school in the past 18 months, you're almost absolutely positively eligible. There's probably no reason you wouldn't be. They ask you if you want to go to traffic school. You say yes. You pay the ticket and then they usually charge you an extra fee to allow you to go to traffic school.

1:15:54 Adam Sure. It's an honor.

1:15:55 You pay that.

1:15:56 Adam It's a privilege to get hammered in the ass in this state. It's not a right.

1:16:01 Drew Natalie, will you let me just sit and read all day?

1:16:04 Caller No, no, no. It's a class where we go over the laws.

1:16:10 Adam Yeah. Where you go over stuff. First off, the only thing Drew wants to go over is the speed limit. That's why he gets pulled over. Secondly, Drew's been driving for 30 years. He doesn't need to go over anything.

1:16:21 Drew Poor Natalie. Wait, don't be mad. We'll be hustled now.

1:16:24 Adam I'm sorry. I'm yelling at everybody out there that you have to go through this rich one.

1:16:28 Drew Adam used to be a traffic school instructor, Natalie. What? Yes.

1:16:33 Adam Yes. Oh, yeah.

1:16:35 Drew Yeah. He let his students play frisbee.

1:16:39 Adam Who cares?

1:16:39 Drew And read.

1:16:40 Adam Get the F out of there.

1:16:42 Drew Isn't that what you did?

1:16:42 Adam Let me tell you something. When I was a traffic school instructor, first off, I had to go to three consecutive traffic schools. I mean, classes.

1:16:52 Drew I mean, training for you to be a trainer.

1:16:55 Adam Oh, for the love of Christ.

1:16:58 Drew I had to go. Natalie is the supervisor. She's probably the one that would have trained.

1:17:01 Adam I had to go to a... Okay, here's what I did. I went Saturday, Sunday, two eight-hour classes back to back, and then I went to a Monday half-class, Wednesday half-class night. First off, if I did that today, $130,000, minimum, that would be the minimum I would charge to sit with those A-holes, those unfunny A-holes, and tell the same stupid jokes over and over again. It was a comedy traffic school. Look, turn on the Kimmel Show, see a stand-up comedian. You're not laughing? All right. Now go to Anaheim and go to traffic school and see how the folks are getting $22 over to let us amuse you. See how funny they are. I want to kill myself. Kill myself. Do you hear me, Drew? All right. So 24 hours of traffic school in the course of four days. I should have that credit.

1:17:54 Caller I should get credit.

1:17:55 Adam I mean, shouldn't I have that credited?

1:17:57 Drew I mean, in terms of you getting tickets?

1:17:58 Caller I got 24 hours under my belt. That's how I get pulled over? All right.

1:18:02 Adam Now I'm down to 16. Yeah.

1:18:04 Caller I banked it. How about banking it?

1:18:06 Adam Yeah, you're right. I sat there like a jackass. I finally became an instructor and their whole thing was like, look, these people need 422 minutes of actual instruction. Now if somebody shows up 15 minutes late to class, which starts at 815, you have to hold them over during lunch so that they can read the pamphlet for 15 minutes so they can get their 420. Yeah. You may not be just sitting there doing this. Sure. Sure. Sure will, Pops. That's right. I'm going to sit in here and ruin my lunch as I'm a-hole to shut up 14 minutes late, gets to stare at, read the section on passive restraints while I choke down a BellBeefer. Are you kidding me? People would roll into my class at two, three hours late. It would be like this. I thought it was at Malibu. Sit down. Sit down. You think I care? By the way, can't more people start adopting my horrible attitude when it comes to this stuff? You know, the guys at the door at the movie where you go, listen, I got to just run out and shut the lights off. My car, I can't let you back in. Yeah, I got to stub. As a matter of fact, you're going to see me. My cars, I can see it from here. I'm sorry. Once you leave, you can't.

1:19:20 Caller Really? I taught Travis Cole people come in five hours late, man, sit down. You want me to sign your thing now? Let's go home. Let's get out of here.

1:19:31 Adam I'm trying to find out if any shills from the DMV there so I wouldn't get busted. Once I sussed the fact that there are no narcs in the class, well, what do I care? Let's get my paycheck and sign your crap. Let's go home.

1:19:44 Caller We go out to lunch. I go an hour and a half.

1:19:46 Adam What do I care? Jesus Christ.

1:19:49 Caller Look, these people got to learn something.

1:19:51 Adam Half of them just rolled through a four way stop sign. What do they got to learn? It's like, it's kind of sending. And by the way, you didn't used to have to pay. It was either pay the ticket or go to traffic school.

1:20:04 Drew Yeah, I thought that's one of the things I want to talk to Natalie about.

1:20:07 Adam Guess what? The law change. And guess what?

1:20:09 Drew Now you pay and you go to travel.

1:20:11 Adam You pay the ticket and then you pay to go to traffic school.

1:20:14 Drew What does that do? Decreases your insurance burden, right?

1:20:18 Adam Theoretically, it's all just one big, huge scam. You just sit there trying to talk to Natalie.

1:20:25 Drew Poor Natalie.

1:20:27 Adam I know.

1:20:27 Drew Natalie, look what you've done.

1:20:28 Adam Listen, you're not one of those a-hole instructors that keeps track of everyone's minutes, are you? Yeah. Yeah, you are.

1:20:38 Drew Oh, Natalie.

1:20:39 Caller Well, we have to because we're a core deported of the DMV and maybe I could lose my, yeah.

1:20:46 Caller I usually let people slide if they come in a little bit late in the morning or on the lunch.

1:20:51 Adam Six or eight minutes, but anything over that?

1:20:54 Caller I would just shut up.

1:20:56 Adam Go tell me.

1:20:59 Caller No, if they're if they're later than like five minutes, something like that, that I make them make up the time. Well, tell them you have to make up the time later, but then I never have to make it up.

1:21:09 Adam All right. But what if someone came in an hour late?

1:21:11 Caller They wouldn't get in.

1:21:13 Caller Yeah. Why not?

1:21:15 Caller Because there's no way you can make up that much. I'd have to like make up.

1:21:18 Adam Who cares? Make what up? Just let them sit down.

1:21:21 Caller Well, if you don't do the proper amount of minutes, it's a felony.

1:21:24 Adam Yeah.

1:21:25 Caller Yeah.

1:21:25 Adam Look at me. Oh, what am I, a fugitive from the law? Kiss my ass.

1:21:30 Caller Well, well, well. Who cares?

1:21:31 Adam Just let the poor son of a bitch sit down. See, that's what they do. They scare you. You go to jail. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Who do you know is that? Yeah.

1:21:40 Caller What are you?

1:21:41 Adam You're in the big house. What are you waiting for?

1:21:43 Caller I killed my stepmom.

1:21:44 Adam What are you in for? Had some stew in my driving instructor class. You showed up late. Yeah. Is there everyone in the joint for that? It's a felony. This is what we do. We just scare the crap out of everybody and then everyone freaks out and then they freak on you. I'd let you go to your car, but I can't. I'll lose my below all felony. All right. Now you're going to help, Drew? All right. You got to pay your ticket.

1:22:10 Drew And then she'll, she'll compensate me to go to traffic school.

1:22:12 Adam Now, how did, how do you not let you bring outside reading material?

1:22:16 Drew I know I'm getting that. I know I'm getting that. Now, how do I request you or how do I find you?

1:22:21 Caller I can give you a phone number.

1:22:24 Adam No, no, no. You don't want to deal with Natalie. She's uptight. You're uptight. You want to deal with someone who's cool.

1:22:33 Caller Hey, I am cool. He'd have to stay for the class, but at least it would be free.

1:22:38 Adam Listen, time is money to a guy like Drew. He's a rich man. He doesn't, he doesn't need $22.

1:22:43 Drew What's that, Natalie?

1:22:44 Caller No, listen, you, Adam. We have, we have a lot of older people, retired people that teach our classes that just stand up there and talk all day. But I, we play like a couple different games in my classes. I try to make, you have to do it for all the time, but I try to make them fun.

1:23:01 Drew How many hours of the class?

1:23:02 Adam Here's the number one game. Let's see you can go 10 minutes without trying to kill them.

1:23:05 Drew So how long is the class, Natalie?

1:23:07 Caller It's eight to four, eight hours. You have time for lunch and two 10 minute breaks.

1:23:15 Adam What can you learn in eight hours about driving that you don't already know, Drew?

1:23:20 Caller Adam, did you know it's illegal to wear sunglasses that have, wear them when you're driving if the side is wider than half an inch?

1:23:32 Adam Yeah, well I do now. That's just the kind of thing you're going to need to know.

1:23:36 Caller Because it obstructs your peripheral vision. And did you know that it is illegal for gas stations to force you to pay for air and water?

1:23:45 Adam Oh, well, that I didn't know. But if they enforce that, every goddamn gas station in Los Angeles would go under. But these are all good, very valid points.

1:23:55 Drew That's a good one.

1:23:56 Adam But listen, you're talking to a guy who steers with his knee while he talks on a cell phone. Do you understand that I frequently have no hands on the wheel, that I steer with my knee, that I read off notepads, I talk on the cell phone, I eat and I drive through every red arrow that's ever in front of me? Yes.

1:24:18 Drew I'm proud. Now, hold on. I will talk to you after the break. So hold on a second.

1:24:22 Adam Eight hours, eight hours of traffic school. You'll have to do, Drew, but I'm not sure I could do that. And by the way, we've been talking about this all night, I'm just angry tonight, but who says you got eight hours to burn? You know what I mean?

1:24:38 Drew Eight hours is a huge amount of time for me.

1:24:40 Adam It's a huge amount of time for you. It's a fair amount of time even for the losers. You know, who randomly decided eight hours was, you having to give up a day.

1:24:53 Drew I like, by the way, they go, hey, just go down to court and ask for it. Spend three hours, three hours. If I had three hours to do something, oh, my God, oh, my God. I don't have time to go to the bathroom.

1:25:07 Caller Well, here's my point.

1:25:09 Adam Are you going to drive any differently after this goddamn eight hours, this grueling eight hours of having your eyeballs spun around by a boring 20 year old? No, Natalie's a delight, but you're not going to. You're going to kill yourself. Eight hours. How about how about two hours? Two hours is punishment enough.

1:25:28 Drew That's the two hours just going to request to go on a court.

1:25:31 Caller That's the part that kills me. All right.

1:25:37 Drew Does that mean I have to go to court to pay the ticket?

1:25:41 Adam You have to go to court. You have to apply for traffic school.

1:25:45 Drew What about the posting bail? The old days just mailed it in.

1:25:48 Adam Well, you could probably mail it in. You might be able to apply via the mail, too. I don't think so, but it's going to cost you another 40, 50 bucks. It's going to travel now and then. No, no, you've got to pay the court to go to traffic school. Then you've got to pay the traffic school. Oh, no, wait a minute. Let's just make sure that Natalie he traffic school costs something. You're generous enough to absorb that cost for Dr. Drew, but you do have to pay the court to write. Yeah. All right. Thanks. We got to take a break. Oh, that's great, isn't it? It is. Let's just let the folks decide. Let the good folks over there in the government decide how things should work. So you can pay the ticket. Then you can pay us for the privilege of going. And then when it comes time to go, well, then you just pay the traffic school too. It's a great scam. And eight hours, by the way, spent eight hours. Hey, I'll tell you, here's the good news. You can do four hours on a Monday. But of course, that's not enough because you couldn't possibly learn all the knowledge they were imparting to you in four hours. You do another four hours on Wednesday. Want to break it up? That's fine, buddy. Yeah. Four hours, not enough. OK, Drew. Drew's going to kill everyone. We'll take a quick break. We'll be back. Just reliving some of my traffic school teaching days with Dr. Drew. He used to teach for Lettuce Amuse You, Lettuce, spelled like the head of lettuce. You know, it was funny. Yeah. And it was always funny because- Very clever. They would tell you, look, people are paying an extra eight bucks to go to a comedy traffic school. They can go to the Sears one for 19 bucks, but they're going to you for 27 bucks. First thing you do before you start the class right after a role, let them know your credentials as a comedian, as a performer, and don't be scared to embellish it a little bit, you know, headlining over at the, you know, the Sears and on tour with Quiet Riot and so on and so forth. And I was like, I remember just thinking to myself, it's Sunday. We're at a YMCA in Conejo. It's $7.52. I just stepped off the Kings of Comedy Tour. You're paying me $86.50. I'm getting $7 an hour to do comedy, and I'm going to do it for eight hours. How good is the career going? How much are these people going to buy into this? I got a platinum selling comedy CD. We've got a development deal with NBC. Me and Seinfeld are going out and going to do a set over at the Comedy Magic Club in Hermosa Beach. Really? I don't think so. Seeing as how it's Sunday morning, it's before 8 a.m. and I'm getting 80 bucks, and I'm in a Y, and I'm a long way from where I live. Yes?

1:29:03 Drew Not good.

1:29:04 Adam No. Are you going to buy that this guy's got a prosperous stand-up comedy career going for himself? Yes. Thank you. Shawna? Yes. You're 22? What's happening?

1:29:20 Caller I have been masturbating ever since I was eight years old.

1:29:23 Adam Yeah.

1:29:24 Caller And I'm 22 now, and I cannot achieve an orgasm without a vibrator.

1:29:29 Caller Mm-hmm.

1:29:30 Caller And I was wondering if I've done some nerve damage to myself or something.

1:29:34 Adam How long have you been using the vibrator?

1:29:36 Caller Since I was eight, so what? How long?

1:29:39 Adam 12.

1:29:39 Drew How did you get your hands on a vibrator when you were eight?

1:29:42 Caller My parents' back massager.

1:29:45 Adam Hey, let me tell you, you may have scrambled yourself down there.

1:29:50 Drew No, no, no, you can desensitize it a little bit, but there's just the fact that you can do that with a vibrator is a good thing.

1:29:56 Adam You sound like a big gal. You a big gal?

1:29:58 Caller Yeah.

1:29:59 Adam Yeah. How big you're running?

1:30:03 Caller Really big.

1:30:04 Adam Well, give me some dimensions.

1:30:07 Caller Um, you know, women's sizes?

1:30:10 Adam I know weights.

1:30:11 Caller OK, well, all right, one, I'm probably running about one or two forty five right now.

1:30:18 Adam About two, four, five.

1:30:19 Caller Yeah, and five, nine.

1:30:21 Adam And what's your forty speed? Five, nine.

1:30:24 Caller Wow, that's a lot of women. All right, baby doll.

1:30:27 Adam So no boyfriend right now?

1:30:28 Caller Yeah, I do.

1:30:29 Adam You do?

1:30:30 Caller You sleep in another room.

1:30:33 Caller All right.

1:30:34 Adam All right. Well, listen, he doesn't give you an orgasm, though, huh?

1:30:37 Caller No, no man ever has.

1:30:39 Drew But the fiber does.

1:30:42 Adam Good times. Soon as Drew figures out she's a behemoth, he wants to move on. All of a sudden, the fibro talk's not so exciting anymore.

1:30:51 Caller Yeah, you got the fiber.

1:30:55 Adam All right, we got to get a call here. Let's I'm going to talk to Isabella. She's been on the hole for 72 minutes. She's anorexic. She's a loner. Parents are separated. She needs advice. She needs help. Isabella. Hey, you're 15.

1:31:09 Caller Yeah.

1:31:10 Adam How much you weigh just as a fun contrast.

1:31:13 Caller How much do I weigh?

1:31:14 Adam Yeah. How much is that? 116. How tall are you?

1:31:23 Drew Yeah, we got that. How tall are you? That's tiny.

1:31:28 Adam Yeah, that's tiny. You're two.

1:31:31 Drew Yeah, you're two Isabella inside one Shana.

1:31:34 Adam Inside the vibrator of our last caller, actually where the batteries come from. All right, so what's the matter, baby doll? Do you still have an eating disorder?

1:31:42 Caller Well, not really bad, but I'm just always paranoid about food. And I'm always looking at the calories in the back of the box.

1:31:53 Adam Are you throwing up?

1:31:54 Caller No, I don't like throwing up.

1:31:57 Adam All right, and that's anorexic and bulimic.

1:32:00 Drew Bulimic is when you've purged.

1:32:01 Caller Well, like I work out a lot.

1:32:03 Adam Don't people who are anorexic throw up too? They never call it that. No, they just don't eat.

1:32:07 Drew They starve themselves.

1:32:08 Adam All right. Yeah, you work out a lot and you starve yourself.

1:32:13 Caller Well, not, well, yeah, sort of.

1:32:16 Adam I'm trying to think of what to do about this, Drew. And it's hard in today's society and we only have 20 seconds. So how about some therapy? And what about this? What about just therapy? Not, you know, not eating disorder clinic stuff, but just therapy.

1:32:32 Drew It doesn't tend to work as well as a more comprehensive. Well, it's like treating addiction with just therapy.

1:32:38 Adam Well, I don't know how far she is other than it seems like every 15-year-old in America has got some sort of issue with food.

1:32:45 Drew Absolutely. And certainly she could be benefited from therapy. But basically, it's got to think of it just like addictions, that she has a disease process that needs to be treated. And as the treatment progresses, therapy will be beneficial as well.

1:32:56 Adam All right, baby. Take care of yourself. Get a little therapy. We'll be back.

1:33:00 Drew All right, guys.

1:33:01 Caller Bottom line, here's the deal.

1:33:03 Caller Sick of wasting time with the wrong person.

1:33:05 Caller One call is all you need to make.

1:33:07 Caller Call the dateline.

1:33:08 Caller 877-889-DATE.

1:33:14 Caller Love Line with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

1:33:16 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191. We'll be right back.

1:33:51 Adam Love Well, all the complaining is gonna stop tomorrow because who is staying is gonna be in here.

1:33:56 Drew Oh, it'll be good.

1:33:57 Adam Yeah, good to see the guys again. Then David Tell, world's funniest stand up.

1:34:00 Drew All the complain, well, stop. You're not gonna be here?

1:34:04 Adam But I will not have time to indulge myself in traffic related matters. And then Alicia Cuthbert is gonna be in here from Girl Next Door. Super hot, cleft in the chin. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo.

1:34:22 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors or this station. The producer for Loveline is Annie Gold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Monday, April 5, 2004