Episode 1000601520873

8:23 Caller It's Loveline. I'm Adam.

8:30 Adam Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Dr. Drew, board certified physician, addiction medicine specialist. Will Arnett is here tonight from Arrested Development. 930, Sunday night, it's tonight.

8:44 Drew Yeah.

8:45 Adam Yeah. The show, by the way, is, you know, and when you and Jason Bateman came on here...

8:53 Drew This was just after they were premiering...

8:57 Will Arnett It was like a week after we premiered.

8:59 Adam Two and a half months ago? Something like that. You guys were like, we got a good show, but who the hell knows? But it seems like, you know, the critics have spoken. It's finding its fan base. Yeah?

9:11 Will Arnett Yeah. It's definitely, I think at that point, we were kind of still making the show in a vacuum and now we've, you know, people have responded pretty well to it. It hasn't been a huge ratings hit yet, I say that because I'm expecting it.

9:25 Adam Yeah.

9:26 Will Arnett But... Yeah. Yeah. We missed it.

9:31 Adam I heard Will... Let's see. A commercial. I heard Will doing a VO.

9:37 Will Arnett I hear him all the time. Yeah.

9:39 Adam What the hell? No, it wasn't GMC. This is NBC. Or is it now, does everyone just sound like... Here's what I mean. It's like, eventually, every pro wrestler just started to sound like the same guy because that's how you sound as a pro wrestler. Yeah.

9:57 Drew This also, you guys all sound like the guy that started with that Winds of War in ABC. Remember that?

10:03 Will Arnett Oh, yeah.

10:04 Drew North and South. That guy's voice became the prototype.

10:07 Adam I miss Ernie Anderson on ABC where he'd go, someone's killing showgirls and Dan wants to know why. I'd be watching on Thursday going like, I got to kind of like to look into that myself.

10:21 Will Arnett Yeah. And for voiceover guys, the way to do it is to sit at home and listen to the way the guys who are making money do it.

10:29 Adam Right.

10:29 Will Arnett And then you go and you just imitate them. And if you imitate them, they're like, great, you're way cheaper.

10:33 Adam Right.

10:33 Will Arnett And you're right here.

10:34 Adam I think I swear it was like, no, it wasn't Judging Amy. What the hell? It was some sort of NBC. But I mean, do you do NBC? Do you do anything on NBC?

10:46 Will Arnett No.

10:46 Adam Well, then, man, this guy was ripping you off or, man, were you ripping this guy off?

10:51 Will Arnett I was probably ripping him off.

10:52 Adam But it's just it's become it was comical. I T-voted. I ran it back three times like this way, I'm judging Amy. Wow.

11:04 Drew She has to become a rapist.

11:08 Adam In order for Amy to stop an international jewel, Amy is going to have to become a rapist.

11:16 Will Arnett Which is which is odd because you don't you don't you wouldn't know why that would have to be.

11:20 Adam But that's why you got to watch. Why would someone have to become a rape to stop counterfeiters?

11:25 Will Arnett Seemingly illegal.

11:27 Adam You would think where's the correlation? Well, why don't you tune in to find out?

11:31 Will Arnett I'm judging Amy.

11:32 Adam That's right. And Will, Will is well, it's just too bad. But what's my show of the Crank Yankers? No. Crank Yankers. Tuesday nights. Thank you. On Comedy Central. No, a hack. Oh, yeah. It's too bad. But hack didn't make it because always the best this week on Hack.

11:55 In order to reach these kids, Hack will have to become a rapist.

12:03 Will Arnett Now listening, listening, listening to that voice, I now know the guy you mean. It is on NBC and he does NBC Daytime. And he's like the seemingly lowest sounding, most sort of daunting guy. And it's for NBC Daytime, though.

12:17 And it's like, Ben, on an all new day.

12:22 Will Arnett You're like, days of our lives?

12:25 Adam How many Zs and days? It's like, he just keeps talking till he runs out of air with each word. He doesn't stop himself at the end of the word.

12:42 Drew It seems weird that the networks wouldn't try to develop people that were different, just because the convention becomes convention.

12:49 Will Arnett Yeah, well, there are a few, if you listen, there are a few different guys who kind of have their own thing. There was that, Hal Riney was the guy who was out of the gate, was kind of, he was the guy who used to do, there are over a million, there are over one million roads in this country, and each one of them leads back to Alamo.

13:10 Adam You know that, dude? Yeah, once in a while, this sort of Petridge Farm guy makes a stance, or you get the Motel 6, or the Schmuckers.

13:18 Drew Or the guy that does Garfield's voice.

13:19 Adam Yeah, once in a while, those guys make a move. You know the guy, there's a guy, well, Drew, you don't listen to good radio. You see, you don't hear all the RV sales and that kind of stuff. There's a guy, it's probably a regional thing. We'll get into it off the air, but definitely one of my favorite. And of course, always the dragster guys and the race guys. Those are always the best.

13:45 Will Arnett Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday.

13:48 Drew He's actually one of Scott Mason's friends.

13:49 Adam Oh really? Yeah. Engineer, a long time, what is he over here? Yeah, all I know is a guy.

13:55 Drew He's mad about K-Rock.

13:55 Adam He's got five pagers. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. I always like when they do stuff like, some go, some blow. Once in a while, they'll break it down too. Like, I like when they get the little novella going in the middle of the race, they go, Shirley, Shirley, Cha-Cha Maldowney won Stead Trophy this year, but Big Daddy's got other ideas. Uh-uh, sorry, Shirley, not gonna. It's like, you, did you overhear a conversation between Cha-Cha Maldowney and Big Daddy Don Garland?

14:27 Drew Snake the mongoose.

14:30 Adam Yeah, I like when they shift gears too. They go, they'll be the detection, Billy McEwan, TV Tommy out of the shy town hustler.

14:38 Will Arnett Oh, that's a skill. When they do that, when they take the little mini-breasts in between and give each guy a different vibe.

14:43 Adam Right, and then they got to shift gears again because Sunday's Fox Night and foxes are coming in free. I was like that one. We always used to be Fox Night at OCIR, the Orange County International Raceway. English Leather Girls are there, signed encounters, pop a do run run on the infield, especially erected stage. Qualifications, 12 noon, eliminations under the lights.

15:08 Drew That was the 70s.

15:10 Adam I liked it when they tell you where the freeways collided to. Right. Ascot Raceway, where they went 10 to 7, 10 to 4, 0, 5, Explode!

15:19 Will Arnett Wow.

15:21 Adam Gee, seems like there's some rubbernecking going on there.

15:23 Will Arnett Do you think that was going through the minds of the engineers when they were putting the freeways together too?

15:27 Adam Yeah, yeah.

15:28 Will Arnett These three freeways are going to explode.

15:34 Adam Yeah. Look, I understand there's going to be a lot of action over at the International Raceway. I don't need a lot of action on the way there. I need to think that the freeway is going to explode. I know, I get, I take your word for it, it's a big event.

15:48 Adam I don't want the station wagon to catch on fire on the way there.

15:53 Will Arnett Yeah, let's just get there.

15:54 Adam Yeah, it was great that have like Fox on the run by Sweet playing in the background. That was great.

16:01 Drew And with the days.

16:02 Adam Yeah, oh wait a minute, one more good one. Where the guy, there was one great one where the guy explained what that nitromethane did. Nitromethane, drop it on the ground, stomp on it, drop a match on it, virtually nothing. But put it inside a 15 to one compression, Hemi Big Block, Mopar engine, liquid dynamite. Liquid dynamite, isn't that called nitroglycerin by the way? Liquid dynamite, explaining what we could do with our nitromethane, if you had some. Jackie?

16:37 Hello.

16:38 Adam You're 22?

16:39 Caller 22, yes.

16:40 Adam What's up?

16:42 Caller Hi, is this Adam?

16:44 Adam Yeah. Yes.

16:47 Caller Okay, I'm 22 and I'm dating a guy that's 26, I just turned 26 and I've been dating him for like almost a year. And sex was really good between the both of us, but everything else is not. Like intimacy is pretty bad and like he even has a hard time acting like he's my boyfriend in public, completely and he's like, I'm his first everything. I'm his first girlfriend, I'm his first like, you know, sex and everything.

17:16 Adam Really, really? He was a virgin before he met you.

17:20 Caller Yeah.

17:21 Drew You sure of that?

17:21 Adam Yeah, no guy brags about that.

17:24 What?

17:25 Adam Nobody brags about that.

17:26 Caller Yeah, I am positive about it. It's not something that he'd brag about, it's just something that's a fact.

17:30 Like he's very into computers, like he's not a nerd, but like he's, what?

17:35 Adam Yeah.

17:35 Drew Starting to fit, go ahead.

17:36 Adam Yeah, he's coming to go.

17:37 Caller Yeah, he's like, I mean, he's just completely into computers and mechanics and all that stuff.

17:42 Drew Coming into focus, well, why are you with him?

17:43 Adam Calling all nerds. Why are you with him?

17:49 Caller Well, at first, he was just a really interesting person. Like, he doesn't have a problem speaking his opinion.

17:54 Drew Hey, Jackie, I get that at the beginning, there was some passion and there was interesting and there was, you know, de-synchro.

18:00 Caller There was, yeah, there was a little bit more passion.

18:02 Drew Okay, now it's over.

18:03 Adam Jackie, you got a big, big ass? Big gal?

18:09 Caller A little bit.

18:10 A little bit, all right.

18:11 Adam Hold on a second, I'm just, you know. Look, the nerdy 26-year-old computer guy, he don't get his hymen busted by some young hottie. These guys, nobody wants, nobody wants, these guys are damaged goods. They got the stink of failure and aquavelva on them.

18:30 Drew Well, now why do you think he's pulling away then? Why isn't he hanging out with both fists?

18:35 Adam He doesn't know how to act in a relationship.

18:38 Drew Or did somehow now he feels like in love.

18:40 Adam Grandios, Jackie? All right, what, did you have a couple of bad relationships before this guy?

18:48 Caller Well, before him, I was kind of, you know, like, I'm a lot more experienced than him, obviously. Not necessarily bad relationships, just ones that really just haven't worked out.

19:00 Adam All right, well.

19:02 Drew This one isn't working out either, it sounds like.

19:04 Adam Yeah, what's it been, a year?

19:05 Caller It's been almost a year. It didn't start off as a relationship. We just started off as like just hanging out front. And then we started getting like intimate. And I mean, like if I could just, you know, see it as just sex and only sex, it would be completely fine because sex is really good with him, but everything else is not like, yeah. Sex is great. Like, I don't know, maybe I trained him on or something, but like it's really good.

19:29 Adam Well, he gives her the old mechanical pencil and the key step.

19:34 Caller You think because he works with his hands so much, he'd be like better at, you know, foreplay or something.

19:39 Drew No, Jackie, please.

19:40 Adam Got nothing to do with that. Look, OK, so look, here's the thing, Jackie. There might be a situation where he looks at you as damaged goods or not damaged goods per se, but entry level, which is like, look, I don't have any experience. I'm not going to marry some chick who's got 10 times more experience than I do.

20:06 Drew Hang on, nor am I going to have to marry somebody that I'm getting started with. I've got some work to do.

20:12 Adam Yeah.

20:14 Will Arnett So this is a prime example of why buy the cow when the milk is free.

20:19 Drew Not even buy the cow, they're just guys.

20:21 Will Arnett No offense.

20:23 Drew He's behind the curve too.

20:24 Adam He's 26, minus will be 16.

20:26 Drew Right.

20:27 Adam All right, Jackie, feel free to dump him.

20:29 Drew Yes, I think that's a wrong feeling here.

20:30 Adam Here's the deal. Say to him, look, here's what I need. If it's within reason and he doesn't meet your demands.

20:38 Drew Then that's it.

20:38 Adam Then that's it.

20:39 Drew He can deliver, if he can be intimate, if he can be available, if he can get things back the way they were or be motivated to be back the way they were. I mean, if he's not motivated to do it, that tells you a ton.

20:48 Will Arnett Does he call you his girlfriend or she's gone?

20:52 Adam Yeah, he does. Jackie, does he call you that?

20:55 Caller Does he call me his girlfriend?

20:56 Will Arnett Yeah.

20:57 Caller Not really, no.

21:00 Adam He's just hanging around.

21:01 Drew Bad sign.

21:02 Will Arnett Yeah.

21:03 Adam Hey, they're both young.

21:06 Drew He's just 22.

21:07 Adam Just a keypad for his mouse to bounce on.

21:10 Drew By the way, she's probably just getting out of her bad boy thing anyway. This is good. This will get her out of that.

21:14 Adam Oh, she's out, all right.

21:15 Will Arnett The computer guy's a bad boy.

21:16 Drew Yeah, but she's found that she can have good sex with the bad boy. And he's a good boy, and that's all right.

21:22 Adam Oh, how obnoxious would this guy be? He's like 26. You've known him for 10 years. He's the biggest puss in the world. All of a sudden, he's getting laid, and all of a sudden, he got Ricardo Montemar. What happened to the Dungeons and Dragons, their smoking tip-a-rillas? Got to ask Scott, wants to fight all the time. I know. Oh, it's horrible when guys get laid. Scotty? Yeah. You're 27?

21:47 Caller That's correct.

21:49 Adam What's happening?

21:49 Caller First of all, I'd like to say I'm a big fan of your show. Adam, I miss you on the Man Show.

21:54 Adam Thank you.

21:55 Caller You're welcome. Dr. Drew, I have a question. My wife and I, we've been married for about three years, and before then, we were...

22:03 Drew By the way, Scottie, nice strategy. Build Adam up and then just let him stew. That's good.

22:07 Adam That's all right.

22:09 Drew Great job.

22:11 Adam He's a big fan. Nothing wrong with that.

22:15 Caller Like I said, my wife and I have been married for three and a half years, and before then, when we were fiancé, sex was great. I mean, we would have it like two, three times a day, sometimes more on the weekends, but now that we've been married, we are lucky to have sex at least twice a week, and maybe sometimes once a week or once every ten days or something like that. I'm just wondering if they have to deal with our sex drives or if it's because we're so used to our bodies that we know what turns us on and turns us off or something.

22:42 Drew You're both in your late twenties?

22:44 Caller Yes, sir.

22:46 Drew Any children?

22:47 Caller We have one child.

22:48 Drew When did you have the child?

22:50 Caller 2000.

22:51 Drew So four years ago. Is that when things started tapering off?

22:56 Caller No. No, not really. I mean, it was a slow and gradual process. I mean, we were married eight months before we had our first child.

23:07 Drew Does your wife work?

23:08 Caller Yes, she does.

23:09 Drew Listen, a lot of this is just not just as Adam's going to advocate that you're sort of getting into your stride.

23:15 Adam Waiting to die. You're getting, oh, you're on deck.

23:18 Drew But you're also getting tired. I mean, it's hard to create the time and create the space in one's day to do this. What? Yeah.

23:28 Adam No, I'm just thinking about these guys. These guys like Drew of Supreme Passion where they're like, I've been with the same woman for 52 years. I can't wait to get home every night to make a passionate love to her. It's like, what? Really? I don't know. I mean, look, yeah, yeah, you get a boner once in a while. You got to relieve yourself. You got to take care of the old lady too. But you start getting into a little rhythm and that rhythm. But don't you go through, don't you go to the butterfly?

23:58 Will Arnett Don't you go through stages where like sometimes, you know, you're having sex a lot. Sometimes you're not and people feel the need. If they're told by the sort of the perception is out there that if you're not doing it once every five days on the money, then you're not having it.

24:14 Drew Bring up an interesting point is that we when we all were growing up, the whole idea of sexual expression was sort of a rebellion, rebellion against social norms. Now people are trying to keep up with some abstract concept of what we're all supposed to be doing, especially young people who feel flawed if they don't keep up with this concept of what sexuality is.

24:33 Adam Here's the problem. By the way, I said fly to the butterfly. I meant fly to the bumblebee.

24:36 Drew We all understand.

24:38 Adam Glad you translated it. Here's for me a point. Here's the problem. The problem is if one partner wants it five days a week and the other partner wants it twice a month, that's where there's a problem. That's where you got a problem. If you guys are just slipping into a twice a week, once a week rhythm, and that's your rhythm, and everyone's happy, so be it.

24:58 Drew The average is 1.5 per week. That's the average in the country.

25:01 Adam So what's the half? A BJ? I was always wondering about how that works, like when they do 2.7 kids.

25:09 Will Arnett Or two hand jobs, right?

25:11 Adam Or a dwarf or Asian kid. Who's that.7?

25:14 Drew And as you age, these kids are in their 20s, but you age, your biological rhythms change too. And the manopause hits in, and manopause hits in, and these things affect all that.

25:23 Adam Yeah. That's a good time.

25:25 Drew That's a good time.

25:26 Adam And look, here's the deal, fellas. If you want to get your wife to kick it up a notch, the only way to really get her to do it is to, I hate to say, you got to start listening. You got to start feigning listening. Number one, you got to start being attentive. You got to, here's the deal. Like, there's really, you know, here's the problem. Guys want, stop doing that, Drew. Guys, you're making noise. Guys want more sex, so they're like, what can I do? How could I talk my wife into giving it up more? The only thing you're going to do, it's like getting a raise in your allowance. Don't go bug your dad. Just go out and rake the lawn and see if he flips you an extra five at the end of the week. And it might not happen the first week. It might happen the second week. But start listening. Oh, here's one. This is tough. Be nice to our friends.

26:14 Caller That's the other thing.

26:16 Adam You know what I love about women? Women are like, you didn't even, you saw Sherrilyn. It was like you didn't even know her. She's my best friend. And you're like, I just saw her. I said hi. Yeah, you just said hi. And then that was it. I was going toward the kid. You know, it's like, you got to go kiss the ass of their goofy friends, you know?

26:32 Drew That's valid for you.

26:33 Adam I know. I know. Because eventually starts, here's what it distilled.

26:37 Drew Your best friend. Your best friend, you know, you don't say two words, too.

26:39 Adam Here's the other thing. Well, here's the thing that's comical about that whole thing, which is guys don't particularly want their women talking to their, it's like, hey, what were you and Mark engaged about? We're just talking about you. Well, Jesus Christ, you're talking for like 45 minutes over there. You know, you get up, the guys get pissed and the women are like, you didn't even give her a hug. Yeah. I don't hug my own mom. Well, she's my best friend. It's like, uh, and then eventually they, and then here's where the, here's where the trouble starts.

27:08 Will Arnett I'm not allowed to crack jokes in front of my wife's friends. She thinks that I'm being, that I'm too harsh.

27:12 Right. Right.

27:13 Will Arnett Well, I'm not, not allowed. How long you been married? Since August.

27:17 Adam Yeah. This is what happens. Yeah.

27:19 Will Arnett Already.

27:19 Adam You didn't even have, and then you go, and then, then they pull this one. Well, I'm nice to your friends. I don't know why you can't. And then eventually as the, as the arguments start stretching out, eventually here's what ends up coming out. Well, it's just, you know, my friends are dynamic, interesting, educated folks. I mean, they got their, you know, comedians and authors and writers and the personalities. I mean, they're interesting folks. Whereas, you know, you, me, friends are two great gals. It's not what, so your friends are better. Well, I didn't say, I don't say better, but you're only friends with people like that.

28:00 Adam Yeah. Yeah, you gotta love their friends. Only reason we're talking is because we're having sex.

28:05 Drew You want me to go over there and talk to them for an hour? There's a decent book out there called What Could He Be Thinking by a man named Gurian about the differences in the biological functions of the male and female bran. It's laid out in a digestible, in a readable way.

28:24 Adam Here's the deal. Look, so here are the beats, fellas, you wanna get laid. And let's stop me if I'm wrong. Listen, or at least pretend to be listening. Like they come in, they start talking about what went on at work. Just hit the pause on the TiVo or the DVD or whatever. Put stop. Oh boy, they'll go nuts. Stop that and turn around and look at them. Don't just look at the set. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Some compliments. Also start carrying your weight around there. You know, leave your socks everywhere. Talk to their friends. Ask them about stuff that you really don't care about, but ask anyway. Yeah, Sheila at work, how's that going? Because, you know, remember last time, you two wore the same sweater and there was a little bad blood.

29:03 Drew It's showing an appreciation for the things that are intrinsically important to them, even though you know in your heart they mean nothing to you. But showing an appreciation for that, such as putting your ass away, as opposed to leaving it out. And making a point.

29:15 Will Arnett It's more than just nodding, too.

29:17 Adam Being a parent. Yeah, I know your wife's listening. But it's like being a parent. It's like, daddy, guess what I made at school today? We took a toilet paper roll and put a Santa beard on it. Now, if that was one of your buddies, you go, hey, St. Tard, how about you get your fat ass out of the way so you can finish watching the TV? For your kid, you gotta be like, oh my God, that's beautiful. I gotta put that up on my dashboard. That's amazing. All right, let's face it. Guys aren't great at that, but that's what you need to do.

29:46 Drew But on the other hand, listen.

29:47 Adam You know, that's wonderful.

29:48 Drew Let me make the contrary. Thank you. That what are you looking for from women? Wait, wait, wait, yes, you are right. But listen to what we're looking for from women.

29:55 Caller Hold on a second.

29:56 Drew We're looking for the beach. That's what you want. You want them to show an appreciation for your biological needs and what your priorities are in life. No, that is what you're looking for.

30:05 Adam Priorities. Now look, we want to be left alone and then we want a little sex. Let's face it. And we don't want, here's what we don't want.

30:12 Drew But not making you feel bad for that.

30:13 Adam We don't want to be hassled.

30:14 Drew You don't want to feel bad for that. We don't want to be ripped. You want to, oh, you like being alone? Great. Here's all set up for you. You're like, oh my God. Oh my God, you appraise, you understand.

30:22 Adam We don't ask anything for that.

30:23 Will Arnett But I'm getting busted on the higher levels now. Like I used to be, you know, I just, I'd say, okay, yeah, that sounds great. And then we agreed. She told me something a while ago. Said, okay, great. And then I ran into these people the other day and they said, you guys can't come to this party because you've got to do this other thing. And I said, yeah, I don't know anything about that. I'm sorry. I called my wife and my wife said, are you an idiot? I told you five times in your face and you nodded.

30:47 Drew I know we gotta talk off the air. You need a calendar.

30:50 Adam Yeah, we gotta take a break too. But here, you know, let me say this to all the ladies listening out there. I'm trying to put this tactfully, but we would tend to listen more of what was coming out was just a little more entertaining. You know what I'm saying? Like I talk to Jimmy all the time. I have perfect retention. The guy's funny, he's interesting, he's articulate, he's cutting edge, he's witty. I know Drew, you and I talk, we don't forget the stuff we talk about.

31:18 Will Arnett I don't think that you're way off. I think that if you could devise a way for women to glam up what they're saying, to put some bells and whistles on it, you could revolutionize relationships between men and women.

31:28 Drew Transmit communication anyway.

31:30 Will Arnett Yeah. You know?

31:31 Adam No, this is what-

31:31 Will Arnett Jokes.

31:32 Adam This is what my mom leaves a message on my, you know, she leaves a message on my phone machine that's like eight minutes of just pure nothing. It's like I would rather her just pull Taffy next to the phone. And then puts the message in at the very end which I've hung up already.

31:50 Drew You really need to think of it as two people speaking slightly different languages. We need, you need to be translating as you're speaking. Whatever it is, we need to translate back. When we offer something, it needs to have an appreciation for what their perceptions are of what we're saying. Let's take a break.

32:07 Adam Let's take a break. Maybe we're spoiled, we're entertainers, we're on the radio, you know, I'm just, I keep wanting to yell, you know, like my mom tells me, let's pace it up now. Now, where's the art going here? This is-

32:18 Will Arnett You give her a note session after her message.

32:20 Adam I give her some notes, a circle, some things, highlights and other things. All right, Will Arnett is here tonight. He's from Arrested Development, Fox, Sunday Nights, 9.30. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

32:38 Caller Every hour, two Americans under the age of 25 are infected with HIV. Protect yourself.

32:43 Caller Call toll free 1-866-344-KNOW.

32:47 Adam What? That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Will Arnett is here tonight from Arrested Development. Sunday's 9.30 on Fox. And I'd say one of the more critically acclaimed comedies of the new season, maybe the most, Drew.

33:19 Drew Breakout.

33:21 Adam No, no, no, no.

33:21 Drew Breakout comedy?

33:22 Will Arnett I like words like that. I like words like breakout.

33:24 Adam Yeah, no, not a breakout, critically acclaimed.

33:28 Drew A breakout would have to have the big ratings?

33:29 Adam Yeah, someone would have to see it.

33:31 Will Arnett How about this, how about this, how about this, how about a critical breakout?

33:35 Adam A critical breakout. That sounds like you got a zit on Prom Night.

33:38 Caller Sure, yeah, you're right.

33:40 Then on critical breakout.

33:42 Adam Oh, that's a great show.

33:44 Will Arnett It's a great show.

33:45 Adam All you gotta do is then you work, you gotta get a good name like a trite.

33:51 Like you go, then on critical breakout.

33:54 Adam Great, it's gonna be under cover.

33:56 Will Arnett My question is, they're gonna do the CSI in New York now, they're doing it with Gary Sinise. When are they gonna start going to secondary cities?

34:05 Adam Well, eventually, I've heard experts, yeah, they get into Duluth and they get a report. Yeah, they go all over the place and then eventually it's CSI Sherman Oaks in Port Van Klenndam. They start just breaking into the, we start moving into, They just start breaking it down? So there's potentially 70 of them just within CSI Los Angeles.

34:28 Will Arnett I like that. I like it, get down to congressional districts, you get down to streets.

34:34 Adam That's right, yeah, yeah, parks, yeah. All right, next on CSI Sherman Oaks cul-de-sac. Just at one couple of houses there. All right, let's, Drew, we never found out the difference between a dead end and a cul-de-sac other than all the guys I knew lived were in the flat, crappy area of the valley, lived in dead ends and the people that lived up in the hills lived in cul-de-sacs.

34:57 Drew Didn't we decide that like alleys and streets end in a dead end, but roads and lanes have cul-de-sacs?

35:03 Adam The house at the end of the street, the cul-de-sac or the dead end, if it's got a sofa outside, it's a dead end, if it's got a Lexus, it's a cul-de-sac.

35:16 Will Arnett There's more hope, there's more hope in a cul-de-sac than there is in a dead end.

35:19 Drew A cul-de-sac increases the value of your home, dead end decreases it.

35:23 Will Arnett People who move into cul-de-sacs are people who are half full, half classes, half full folks.

35:28 Adam Right. Hey, what name is that? James.

35:34 Yeah.

35:34 Adam You're 18.

35:36 Caller No, 17.

35:37 Adam All right, hold on a second.

35:39 Drew Nice attitude.

35:40 Adam Yeah.

35:41 Drew Try it on five.

35:42 Adam James can hang on for a while. Five. Line five, all right. Lori. You're 18?

35:49 Caller Yes.

35:49 Adam What's happening?

35:50 Caller I was wondering, should I have like an intro, intro to my question or should I just flat out ask my question?

35:56 Drew Flat out ask.

35:57 Caller Flat out ask.

35:59 Adam Hold on, ironically, that is an intro.

36:01 Drew I was just thinking that was her intro, that's it.

36:03 Adam Cause either way, there's 11 words kicked back and forth, right?

36:08 Drew Yeah. Lori.

36:09 Caller Yeah.

36:10 Adam Go ahead, baby doll.

36:11 Caller Thank you. I was wondering, I have a crush on my teacher. I was wondering if I should maybe pursue a relationship after high school with him.

36:24 Drew How old is he?

36:26 Caller He's about 40.

36:28 Drew You should keep this as a fantasy because if he responds to you and creates a relationship, there's something very, very wrong with him.

36:37 Adam And we're gonna address that next week on Critical Breakout.

36:40 Drew Yeah. So Lori, it's great to have a fantasy, it's normal, but to act on it would be not normal. And for him to reciprocate would be extra not normal.

36:48 Adam Well, wait a second, you're 18, so is this junior college?

36:52 Caller No, this is my last year of high school.

36:55 Adam Oh, did she say high school teacher?

36:57 Drew She said, should she after high school pursue a relationship?

37:01 Adam Oh, okay, yeah. Yeah, you don't wanna do anything while you're still in high school.

37:04 Drew No, no, she's saying when she gets out, should she pursue him? And I'm saying it wouldn't be as ethically a problem, but still wouldn't be good. And I would assume most schools would have a policy against this, but be that as it may, forget the school issue. A 40-year-old and a 19-year-old, no.

37:20 Adam All right, but how does it work, by the way? I mean, how do you pursue it when you get out?

37:26 Drew If the guy's a creep, you just make yourself available.

37:28 Adam I mean, did you have the discussion with him on the last day of school?

37:32 Caller Or an email or like something like that, I guess.

37:36 Drew He doesn't change everything you got out of it.

37:39 Caller Yeah.

37:40 Will Arnett Sounds like there may already been an email.

37:42 Adam You know, we used to do it through Carrier Pigeon. Remember that? Rock through the window.

37:48 Drew Called the Messenger Pigeons in my day.

37:50 Adam Hey, Laurie?

37:51 Caller Yes?

37:53 Adam How do you know that he's interested in you?

37:56 Caller Well, I almost had a class with him last year, beginning of my senior year, but I dropped it because I was very unsure of what could happen between us and I didn't want anything to happen.

38:11 Drew So you feel like he...

38:12 Adam Wait a minute, how do you know? You just told us what you did after you knew he was interested.

38:18 Drew How do you find out you were interested?

38:19 Adam He was interested.

38:20 Drew He was interested, yes.

38:21 Caller Because he treats me differently from everyone else. It's kind of hard to explain. Usually sometimes when we have conversations, they're a little bit off-colored.

38:33 Drew Well, I'm already concerned about this guy, yeah, delightful guy, on two fronts. One is inappropriate language with a student. Secondly, the basic way to maintain ethical standards when you're a professional, when there's a power imbalance like politicians, physicians, teachers, these sorts of positions, is you treat everyone the same. And if you start treating someone differently, that's already an ethical boundary violation.

38:56 Adam So you try to F everyone who comes in your office.

38:58 Drew If that's your policy, that's your policy.

39:00 Adam 85-year-old male.

39:02 Drew It's gotta be the same.

39:04 Adam Same, same as the hot stewardess. All right, Laurie, and Laurie, by the way, you sound like you're gonna be pregnant.

39:12 Drew Yeah, within six months.

39:13 Adam Yeah, within six months. Just take it easy, baby doll.

39:16 Drew He is a bad guy. And if you're going for bad guys and you don't see that, please look at it.

39:22 Adam All right, but she's kind of in a hurry to be, she's a grown up lady. You know what I mean?

39:27 Drew Bad guys.

39:28 Adam Yeah, I don't know, I'm just worried about her too.

39:30 Drew Of course, well, she's going for the bad guys.

39:32 Adam All right, I'm gonna talk to her for a second. Laurie, what are you doing after high school?

39:37 Caller I've already been accepted to a college in the nearby area, in my area.

39:42 Adam What college?

39:44 Drew Berkeley?

39:44 Caller State school.

39:46 Caller Berkeley, are you kidding me?

39:48 Adam Come on. All right, focus on that. What are you interested in? Design?

39:52 Caller Psychology.

39:54 Adam All right, there you go.

39:56 Drew Well, part of the best, Laurie, if you're gonna be in the clinical realm, you're gonna have to get some psychological treatment. So go ahead and start now before you go down a path that proves more destructive.

40:07 Adam Shrinks are nuts, like cops. Like cops are criminals, right?

40:11 Drew Can be.

40:11 Adam For the most part, right?

40:12 Drew No, not for the most part, but unfortunately a lot.

40:14 Adam Yeah, I don't mean cops are criminals, but they got that side to them.

40:19 Drew There's a reason people go into certain things.

40:21 Adam Just like shrinks, yeah, are mostly not. Yeah, they get sucked into it. Christine?

40:28 Drew Yeah?

40:28 Adam You're 15? You're into the Wicca religion? That's fantastic. That's fat chicks get together and try to get to...

40:38 Caller Kind of like chunky.

40:40 Adam Skinny chicks too have sex with them by whipping up a potion. It's what it is. It is, it's fat. Wicca should change your names to fat chicks who recycle. Because all they ever say when we talk to them about it's about the earth, talking back to the earth.

40:56 Drew It used to be considered witchcraft. And then, no, no, it's not witchcraft. It's about, you know, spells that are generated from the earth's natural forces and whatever.

41:06 Will Arnett And it's lesbian based, is that the idea?

41:09 Adam It's lesbian, it's a heavy set lesbian crowd that follows the Wiccan religion.

41:14 Will Arnett Got it, all right.

41:15 Adam Go ahead, Christine. Yeah, plenty of super hot.

41:19 Will Arnett Well, where do...

41:20 Adam A lot of super hot blondes on the tennis team in the Wicca, huh?

41:24 Caller Um, not really, no.

41:26 Adam Yeah, okay. Well, what's your question?

41:29 Caller I got this girl in my third-year class. She's Christian, and like all her friends are too. And during class, they're like pointing at me and telling me I'm gonna go to hell.

41:41 Adam Stop advertising.

41:43 Caller I don't advertise.

41:44 Caller I don't even know how they found out.

41:46 Adam Well, maybe they saw your broom or your pointy hat.

41:49 Drew How do you think they found out?

41:52 Caller Um, I don't know.

41:54 Adam Now look, here's what this is. This is the chick version of Goth, which is angry teenagers, pissed at their parents. They then sort of lash out in their dress and in their attitude and in their behavior. And then society makes fun of them and turns on them. Because look, if you're 16, you're 16 year old dude and you start wearing eyeliner, the guys on the football team are gonna say something when they pass you in the hall. I'm sorry, that's the way it is. And now you're angry at the world.

42:21 Drew I forget why somebody told me that a-

42:24 Adam That's how it is.

42:25 Drew Listen, that there's a documentary out there about sort of alternative goth lifestyles and stuff. And he put together a string of 50 kids and asked them, why do you dress the way they do? And every single one went, because I wanna be an individual, because I'm me, I need to be an individual. And they're all dressed with the crazy stuff. Because they're all dressed the same, with the same crazy hair, the same crazy-

42:46 Will Arnett I always see the people with all the tats and the, are the most normal and boring of, I always find the strangest people are the most normal looking.

42:55 Adam Yeah, well, they gotta keep it under wraps. I mean, if you're Jeffrey Dahmer, you can't be a goose stepping around with a black trench coat on, or you're gonna get pulled over. You part your hair to the side, you put on some nice horn room glasses, and you keep it cool.

43:09 Will Arnett Right, you can have a bumper sticker that says, I break for cannibalism.

43:13 Adam Right, if you start looking like a weirdo, you're gonna get popped. Yeah, I mean, if you're, you know, Dahmer or Ted Bundy or something, put on the cardigan, part the hair to the side, and put on them loafers and slow it down. You gotta do that. If you start acting like a maniac, you're screwed. All right, listen, I gotta talk to poor Christine over here. Christine.

43:35 Caller Mm-hmm?

43:36 Adam What happened, where's daddy? All right, what's he think of the Wiccan religion?

43:46 Caller I mean, he's not, he doesn't really like it, but he accepts it.

43:49 Adam What are you paying him back for?

43:54 Caller Kind of.

43:55 Adam A little alcohol or sexual abuse, what'd he do?

43:59 Caller He's an alcoholic.

44:01 Adam All right.

44:01 Drew How about going some Al-Anon and connecting with people that have shared the experiences that you've had?

44:06 Adam Yeah, how about doing something real? How about all you idiots do something real for a change? All you religious tards out there, please just do something real. Would you get a little therapy? Go to an Al-Anon thing, go confront somebody or go do something, you know? Just stop rubbing your beads, you idiots. You guys are such tards. I'm just tired of it. Everybody can sit around and hear about the passion of Christ all day long. And meanwhile, someone's blowing up something in Spain in the name of Allah. And it's like, would you idiots just get a little therapy for Christ's sake? Just do something real. Don't worry about Wicca and Allah and Judaism and Christ. Just go do something, would you? Jesus Christ.

44:44 Drew It's a little more complicated.

44:45 Adam It's a little more complicated. It doesn't have to be that complicated. Why is this a society? Do we just sit? Oh, we're like a religious punching bag, this society. It's like, well, these people have the right to believe it. Not all Muslims are just the ones to blow up stuff up and Mel Gibson and Christ. Well, I think Christ had a beard. I say he was clean shaven. He was a black man. We just sit and talk and talk and talk and talk. And everyone goes, hey, idiots, get to work. Get some therapy, you idiots. Jesus Christ, what's wrong with all you pussies? Are you that scared? Are you that frightened to death?

45:19 Drew But some people-

45:20 Adam Are you that big a coward?

45:21 Drew No, but listen-

45:21 Adam You can't handle it?

45:22 Drew There is some of that-

45:23 Adam Everyone's got a plan? Jesus, he's got a plan for you. Oh, Allah, yeah, he wants to talk to you. Yeah, are you kidding me? What do you guys think? You think there's a plan? You think someone knows who you are?

45:35 Caller Other than your parents?

45:37 Adam And the cop is gonna pull you over next week? Nobody cares. Just start taking care of yourself, being good to your kids, and get to work. What do you, and then you die, and that's it.

45:45 Drew But that was based in Judeo-Christian ethic right there. Oh, Jesus Christ, I'm so tired of it. So doing that, you'd be happy with. And B, a lot of people, you know, oh boy, you and I put a lot of value in the individual. A lot of people put a value in the community that they're a part of. They identify with that more than themselves.

46:00 Adam There's cowards. They're cowards.

46:03 Drew They're different.

46:03 Adam Cowards are scared to die. They don't want to die and be nothing. That's what it all is. Oh, there's a plan. Oh Jesus, he's got a plan. Oh, your two year old just got run over. God's got a plan. God's got a plan for you. You guys could be reunited when you die. Are you kidding me? Come on people, use your head. Just get a little therapy, read a book or two, be good to your family, be good to yourself. Don't hurt anybody and get busy. Shut up.

46:28 Drew We will be right back.

46:29 Adam And shut up with this crap already. What about us atheists? I'm tired of hearing it. I'm tired of hearing about Mel Gibson. I'm tired of hearing about what's going on in Israel. I'm tired of it.

46:40 Drew Maybe we're thinking, looking for a mythology that fits our current understanding of the world.

46:44 Adam These are just primitive idiots.

46:45 Drew But maybe we're struggling with trying to find something that fits us.

46:48 Adam You guys are struggling with it.

46:49 Will Arnett Leave me out.

46:50 Adam I'm tired of hearing about you idiots. Jesus Christ, just stop it. Or just go blow yourselves up and get it over with. Just leave us out of it.

46:59 Will Arnett I'm starting a new religion that's based on overnight, fast national ratings and stuff like that. It's gonna be great.

47:05 Adam Right, it's cool.

47:06 Will Arnett But it's based on reality. How do we do in the demo? And then we all just die.

47:12 Adam That's all it is in this town anyway. And does anyone really believe? And if they do really believe, why they get so angry when you tell them you don't believe? All right. Will Arnett is here. We'll see him in hell. That's really I'm sure, because he didn't stop me. He is here from Arrested Development. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191, Will Arnett. Very articulate, Will Arnett, who agrees with everything Drew and I say. God bless him, it means he's a genius.

48:05 Will Arnett Aw, fair.

48:06 Adam Aw, fair, he agrees with everything. Arrested development, everyone. Sunday nights, 9.30 on Fox. All right, let's get back to James, who we're speaking to, I believe it was about 20 minutes ago. I don't like his attitude, so I let him cool off a little bit. James?

48:25 Caller Yeah, hello?

48:28 Adam What's happening?

48:30 Caller Oh, nothing, man.

48:32 Adam All right, what's your question?

48:34 Caller Um, I was wondering if you can, um, well, if I could get my girlfriend pregnant with anal sex.

48:43 Drew How would that happen, do you figure?

48:46 Caller Well, I don't know, I was just, I heard that from a friend, actually.

48:54 Adam Really? Your friend, how old's your friend? All right.

49:06 Drew Anyway, but we had this call.

49:07 Adam I had a great feeling about James, too, I can't believe it.

49:10 Drew Yeah, it's shocking.

49:10 Adam The role that dies snake eyes, wow. You know, once in a while you're wrong. I'm big enough as man to admit when I'm wrong. I had a gut feeling about this kid. I thought I was going to take this show in a whole new direction. I told you I was wrong.

49:22 Drew I told you what pow meant in Hawaii, didn't I? I say this.

49:25 Adam Thirty words, right?

49:27 Drew That means finished.

49:28 Adam Pow.

49:28 Drew So we're always going, pow, that's it.

49:30 Adam It's the sound a Hawaiian makes when he comes. That's how you know.

49:35 Will Arnett Pow. No, that's it.

49:37 Adam That's when he comes. That's the sound. That's how the sound. It was like, pow. All right, I got to go.

49:46 Will Arnett Wouldn't have been great though.

49:46 Adam Finished.

49:48 Will Arnett If James had come on and you had set it all up and he was all down, then he said, why? And that was it.

49:56 Drew Wouldn't have been satisfying somehow. Much more satisfying than we got.

50:01 Adam All right.

50:01 Drew Anyway, we've had occasionally questioners ask about the idea of things dripping out and getting other places. And of course, there's always... Listen, there's no connection there anatomically, so things would have to sort of get out and go in somewhere else. And there you go.

50:14 Adam Yeah, but it sort of can be like how birds spread seeds, you know, that they eat the berries and seeds and then they fly and then they crap it out and then it grows somewhere in a field somewhere far away. You know what I mean? This could theoretically happen that the semen could actually find its way or drip around, but it...

50:34 Drew Theoretically.

50:35 Adam Theoretically.

50:36 Drew Never happens.

50:37 Adam Let's...

50:37 Drew Wearing condom anyway during those acts.

50:39 Adam The anal stuff? Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. I'll put on an inner tube for that. I mean, that's... I want a little something... I want some milk. You know what I'm saying?

50:49 Drew Yeah, I'm talking.

50:50 Adam I want milk. All right. Irene? You're 16? Wow. Been on hold for 73 minutes and the show's only been on the air for 51 minutes. What's happening, baby? Oh, thanks.

51:06 Caller Thank you for picking me up.

51:08 Adam No, it's... What's up?

51:15 Caller Okay.

51:17 Drew No, you cannot sit up.

51:19 Caller No.

51:19 Adam We'd like you inverted. Put your gravity boots on and hang from the door, champ.

51:24 Caller That's like a witch.

51:27 Drew I was going to say, there's another Wicca.

51:29 Adam Are you into that Wicca? Good. That means you're not fat. Only fat chicks know what it is.

51:37 Is Wicca W-I-C-A stand or something or is it just the word Wicca?

51:42 Adam It's W-I-C-C-A.

51:43 W-I-C-A?

51:44 Drew I'll look it up during this. It's actually Wiccan, isn't it?

51:48 Adam It's the Wiccan religion, but then you would be Wicca. Who knows? Go ahead, Irene.

51:53 It's not like standing for something.

51:55 Drew No, it isn't. Irene, you've got about a minute and a half here.

51:57 Here we go. I was wondering, if you're 16, can you date someone who's 18 or 19 and not have sex? Would they be interested in you in the old-fashioned way where they would take you to the movies and take you to the theater and you'd feel really pretty and they'd feel nice to you?

52:12 Adam Yeah, you'd get a guy who shows up with the wax and his mustache, riding one of those bikes with a big front wheel.

52:18 Drew Irene, here's the reality. Guys can do that, but they still have... Their priority is still the idea of a sexual encounter.

52:29 Caller Then how do you wait till you're married?

52:31 Drew Well, that's the challenge. But at 16 and 18...

52:34 Adam Don't set the bar that high, sweetie.

52:35 Drew At 16 and 18, the motivational priorities are quite different. Although, you're still at 18, going to still be wanting what you want now.

52:42 Adam Now, 16-year-old chicks should be dating 13-year-old guys. I mean, that's about... Sexually, that would be about right. If you're a 15, 16-year-old chick who's not interested in putting out sexually, you wouldn't mind a little kissing, a little petting, a little second base, it'll cop a feel over the sweater action. You should be looking at a sixth grader. Don't be looking at a guy who's got a couple of units over at the local junior college. That ain't that guy.

53:11 Drew Isn't it, though, interesting hearing to what she wants out of a relationship? I mean, take another 16-year-old guy, and that is going to sound like Charlie Brown's teacher to him.

53:18 Adam Wah, wah.

53:19 Drew Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.

53:20 Adam Well, here's... So, here's the thing.

53:21 Will Arnett And it's never been old-fashioned, by the way. Am I right? It's never been that way. I mean, guys, the history of the world is that men who were 17, 18 have always been trying to get some.

53:31 Drew Yes. But they've been able to accommodate a courtship ritual that got completely disintegrated in the 60s. Right. And that girls are still asking for that or some version of it. Basically, young people need to create a new ritual, some sort of dating ritual, something that satisfied both of them a little bit more.

53:49 Adam Yeah. They wanted to do this, but society sort of kept them in check.

53:54 Drew Yeah. Now it's all, but everybody wants the same thing. Well, not really. Not really.

53:59 Drew It's a little bit different than that.

54:00 Adam That's right. Well, the reality is we got to take a break, but a 15, 6 year old girl who really wants to get it on is usually someone who's troubled. And a 15, 6 year old guy who wants to get it on is, well, possibly the next Dr. Drew. Very passionate, passionate young man. Will Arnett is here. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

54:20 Caller Okay, so I know there's nothing wrong with me. So what's up?

54:26 Caller But I tried everything else and thought, what the hell?

54:35 Caller 877-889-DATE.

55:08 Adam Hey everybody, the Love Line, I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Will Arnett is here tonight. Will is from Arrested Development. That is 9.30 Sunday nights on Fox. Critical breakout. It's reached that level. And it's gonna be a breakout hit. Already has a critical claim. Eventually. Critical claim. Yeah, it's doing good. All right, let's talk to Michelle, who's 20. Michelle?

55:40 Caller Yeah.

55:41 Adam What's happening?

55:42 Caller I have a question.

55:43 Caller Like when I have sex, I can really only orgasm in one position.

55:47 Caller Like usually the missionary position.

55:49 Caller I want to know like why that is or how I can change that.

55:55 Adam So you have a orgasm during intercourse?

55:59 Caller Yeah.

55:59 Drew You understand that that's already unusual for a 20 year old. Most women never have sex during intercourse and certainly not at 20. So you're way ahead of things.

56:14 Adam Yeah, you didn't know about that, huh?

56:18 Will Arnett All right.

56:19 Drew Most women require some kind of, most women, some can like you have it during intercourse. Some have multiple during intercourse, but most need oral sex, something like that.

56:28 Adam That's right.

56:29 Drew And so the fact that you can only do it in one position, I suspect you will kind of work that out and figure out other ways to do it. And maybe with the same partner?

56:37 Caller Yeah, yeah.

56:38 Drew And you're into that guy and he pays attention and is listening to you when you're asked for things?

56:43 Caller Well, yeah, right now we're not sexually active, but yeah, pretty much.

56:48 Adam You're gonna be or?

56:49 Caller Well, I'm just not on birth control and I'm gonna wait.

56:51 Adam All right, good. Smart.

56:53 Drew Waiting till what?

56:54 Caller Birth control.

56:55 Drew All right, good.

56:56 Adam Okay, listen, calling this show and saying, you know, I only have an orgasm, I'm 20 years old, I'm a female, I just have an orgasm in a missionary position. It's really like calling like one of those car improvement shows as rancher shows and going, I got a big prom, I got a Ferrari cup holder. Cup holder has a cup in it.

57:22 Will Arnett I just won the lottery, but it's all in hundreds.

57:24 Adam Yeah, I can't, no one can break them. The guy at the newsstand said he can only go up to 50s. I don't know what to do. Yeah, that's what this is.

57:35 Drew Judging by the way, Will's enthusiastically embracing your analogies.

57:41 Adam He's been there.

57:41 Drew Yes, Will has had sufficient exposure to understand what we're talking about.

57:45 Adam Sure, he's a guy, he's been around. Let me say this, apropos to nothing, but I can't be the first guy to bring this up, but I went somewhere yesterday for somebody's birthday party. This is a woman who teaches a spinning class, and my friend, she was a big fan of mine. And she was-

58:06 Drew The one whose birthday it was?

58:07 Adam Yeah. The idea was I was gonna come deliver the cake to her.

58:11 Drew And you knew her personally already?

58:12 Adam No, never met her.

58:13 Drew And she's somebody else's friend?

58:14 Adam Somebody else's friend. Right, so I'm gonna deliver the cake because they knew me, they know me, she's a big fan, so this is gonna be exciting.

58:20 Drew I think you're gonna show up at the door kind of thing with the cake, with the candles.

58:24 Adam Spinning class. So, by the way, this spinning class, my God.

58:29 Drew Don't, don't. Okay, okay, here's the point.

58:31 Adam Here's the point. So I'm out front of this class with my buddy Chris and it's like, no, don't be quiet. The girls are like shielding us from because she's finishing the class. It's gonna be a big surprise. There's always a big surprise involved with the birthday and stuff, but there's always the snafu around the candles. Who's got some matches? Who's got a lighter? Do you smoke? No, I just took this spinning class. Okay, somebody's got it. Then you're trying to light the cake sort of covertly and quietly, you know, it's like get the candles lit, get the, she's coming, get the, I can't get the, use the other candle, the light and the wax is dripping all over the place. And then of course the person comes and just blows snot all over the goddamn frosting. And I thought to myself as we're struggling and I was burning my hand and it's the stuff and people are like, hurry. And you know, you got nine out of the 10 candles lit, but you gotta get the 10th one lit. She's coming around the corner. I thought, stick in the waxy flame into the dessert that we eat to celebrate people's birthday.

59:30 Caller Who's genius idea was this?

59:33 Adam Who thought of this and when can we end it? When can we have some dignity? There's nothing worse than watching my, you know, five-year-old nephew just. And then the retard who gets the candles, the gag candles that won't go out. So the guy's just actually bringing a lung up onto the cake at this point. He has to put a frosting lung, has to be tucked back into him. How much of his matter could end up on the thing that we're all gonna eat in the next couple of moments? How about someone take a leak in the coffee while we're at it? Anyone wanna blow a snot rocket into the ladle over there? We're, yeah, what? It's horrible, there's fire, the stuff is dripping, it doesn't work out.

1:00:18 Will Arnett I guess the question is, at what point are we gonna improve that system? Is that your ultimate question? I mean, can we break off five guys from NASA and say, listen, let's figure out?

1:00:27 Adam Here's what I'm saying, here's what I'm saying. Couple things, first off, you gag candle guys, you guys, oh, that's funny, there's gag candles. The guy has to sell them, yes. You should only be able to buy them in parts of Mexico. That's number one, yes, look, if you can sell gag candles on every novelty store in every corner and I can't buy a goddamn sparkler on the 4th of July, give me a break. I'm getting goddamn hepatitis from this cake. Don't worry about my eyes with the sparkler. I'll take my chances. Number one, number two, the candles don't blow out. They pop and crackle and snap and the wax pops and flies. And number three, it's really the fourth or fifth all out blow that the guys put onto the cake. And by the way, if people are now learning that it's not a great idea to go around shaking people's hands during cold and flu season, how about the people's birthdays in January and February and just blowing all over the cake? And here's what I'm saying. Age seven, we stop it. That's the cutoff. I don't want candles in my cake. I don't want the guys, I don't want the 45 year old whose guys I'm celebrating. I don't want candles on his cake. I don't want them blowing all over the cake.

1:01:36 Drew I suppose before seven, it makes sense because people need to share some immunities and they need to be exposed to these things to build their strength. But after that, I hear the solution as usual, Adam, as you've mentioned many, many times, the solution, pie.

1:01:48 Adam If you retards out there had enough dignity to admit you're wrong about cake and that pie's a much, much better form of confection than cake is, then I would be right. And we see no one likes candles on pie. It doesn't work.

1:02:03 Drew It's too good.

1:02:04 Adam It's too proud. The pie is too proud to take it, it says, no, no to your candles.

1:02:08 Drew Now listen.

1:02:08 Adam Get them off my back. Of course, cake is like, oh, please, I'm bent over. Just stick it right in my back. As many as you want. What's the guy, 150? Keep sticking. I'm cake. I got no spine.

1:02:19 Drew And I was thinking about you again.

1:02:20 Adam Pie's got a spine. It will not accept candles.

1:02:22 Will Arnett I didn't know that Adam hated cake.

1:02:24 Drew Oh yeah, he likes pie. I was thinking about Adam this week because my daughter had a hit of cake.

1:02:28 Adam Now hold on, one quick thing, one quick thing. And listen, you wayholsterer. Adam, quick.

1:02:33 Drew That's what I think of when I think about Adam quick.

1:02:35 Adam You go to the show and tell me, oh, but what about a beautiful German chocolate with a ribbon of raspberry that you pay 28 bucks for down on Fairfax? Of course that's good cake. But that's not the one that shows up at the party.

1:02:47 Will Arnett Five guys just hung up by the way, they were calling and saying.

1:02:51 Adam Might be a.

1:02:52 Drew It's the sheet cake.

1:02:53 Adam The German raspberry. It's the sheet cake, which I claim is just a mispronunciation on the real word that sounds exactly like it that you pussies pick up over at Ralph's that's just got the white frosting on it. So you try to pass off as a birthday cake. That's the one I end up with. I got no problem about the one that comes over from Switzerland and costs 35 bucks. No problem. I never see that cake. That cake don't get the candles in it. It's the sheet cake that does.

1:03:18 Drew I was thinking about you this weekend because my daughter had a head injury and had some of these funny reactions afterwards. So when I thought to myself, I started thinking about Adam and mushrooms. And there's, you know, everybody knows about deja vu is, you know, where you think you've seen something before, like you're experiencing something you've already experienced. Well, it's something called deja vu, which means never seen before. No, things that are familiar that suddenly look novel and new to you.

1:03:41 Adam Yes.

1:03:42 Drew And that's you on mushrooms.

1:03:43 Adam But you have when you take mushrooms.

1:03:45 Drew It's like you've never seen it before. You've never seen it before. And it's like, you're looking at it for the first time from your perspective. And this- Your life is deja vu. That's right.

1:03:54 Adam Because the wind is blowing and I'm trying to light the fifth candle and the wax is melting onto the 40 year old woman. It's gonna celebrate. I'm thinking, really? This is it? She's gonna blow all over the cake and the wax is gonna be all over. Not to mention, I've handled every candle that's gone back into this cake. And I just might as well just like, you know, lick it, put it in my ass and put it back into the cake.

1:04:13 Will Arnett But I imagine that all great inventors through the course of history have experienced this. That's why they came up with. So Adam, I think you're on the edge of inventing something.

1:04:24 Drew Or insanity.

1:04:25 Adam No more candles after the age seven. And let's all switch to pie. Because here's the deal. 650 gets you a strong pie. 650 gets you a crappy cake. And that's where it's at. That's where we're at. That's what I'm talking about. I'm not saying that there's not a good cake out there. I'm saying I don't see it at the party. Or as you go down to 420.

1:04:46 Drew Was she surprised?

1:04:47 Adam Yeah, she was happy. Yeah, yeah.

1:04:50 Drew Good times.

1:04:50 Adam Yeah. It's funny though, she has this cake and everyone just walks out of spinning class and just essentially rode the tour de France in 45 minutes. And then it's like, and everyone wants some cake. And everyone just kind of looks down and walks out. That felt bad. You can't take cake, by the way.

1:05:06 Drew But you could have an apple pie, strawberry pie. They would have eaten that. Yeah.

1:05:10 Adam Let me tell you this. Will, just let me tell you real fast. Let me go right back to the phones. Let me just tell you how cake works. Cake work, I've been to a million parties with the cake. You sit there, you're drinking a beer, some chick. It's not the birthday party. It's not the chick who threw the party. It's her fat ass lackey friend who has to mule the cake around. Poor pathetic chick has to walk around. Here's some cake. Would you like some cake? Everyone's like, no thanks, I'm good. And then this one, I'm just going to set it down. And I'm cool. No, I'll set it on the sofa. I'll set it on the arm of it. And then at the end of the night, you're throwing away a bunch of cake that cigarettes put out and a little finger frost. You can see where the guy put this finger in the frosting, whatever. That's what happens with cake. Pie, you don't have to pimp pie. Pie pimps itself. When I throw parties, my birthday parties, empty tins, you put the pies out on the table. You got to keep people away. People are going, hey, hey, no, we're not cutting into those yet. We're going to finish eating. Then you get into the pie. And you set it out. You don't have to go spread pie around. You don't pimp pie. You pimp cake. You don't pimp pie.

1:06:14 Will Arnett Cake, you can't wait to get rid of. But pie, you're not going to cut a slice off unless you got to take it.

1:06:19 Adam Let me tell you, you don't get into the dessert argument with pie. Cake is always like, have some cake. No, I'm good. I'm good. No, this is some cake. What kind of cake is it? Is it a vanilla cheesecake? Oh, no, I'm fine. Well, I'll just set it down. You think about it. No, pie, there's none of that. No, you go pie sells itself. Pie is like a product that doesn't need a commercial.

1:06:40 Will Arnett Pie goes pow.

1:06:41 Adam Pie goes pow. Please.

1:06:44 Will Arnett I played pie goes pow, by the way, last week in Vegas.

1:06:46 Drew Did you win?

1:06:47 Will Arnett It'd be great.

1:06:49 Adam You play it down in the city of commerce. Pie goes pow. Rachel?

1:06:58 Drew Rachel. Oh, Rachel.

1:07:01 Adam May I put her to sleep with my pie discussion?

1:07:04 Drew She went pow. Try number two.

1:07:06 Adam Number two. Lindsay? You're 22? What's your question? I think you probably could, right, Drew?

1:07:24 Drew Actually, I'm sure you it's possible, but you'd probably die before you miscarried.

1:07:31 Adam Oh, you would?

1:07:32 Drew Yeah. Yeah.

1:07:34 Adam Why? What's up, Lindsay? And let me tell you something about the way nature and the big man upstairs works. The only people that miscarry are really the people who have been trying to get pregnant it for 14 years, you know, successful attorney couples and things like that with the room already decorated. They miscarry. The white trashers from Salt Lake who don't want the kid because the old man's abusive, that kid goes to term and no problems there, strong as a horse. So Lindsay.

1:08:01 Drew So Lindsay, if you need to terminate the pregnancy, how pregnant are you?

1:08:06 Caller I'm not sure, like maybe a couple weeks.

1:08:11 Drew Have you had a pregnancy test yet?

1:08:13 Caller Mm-mm.

1:08:14 Drew So you're not pregnant as far as we don't have any idea.

1:08:17 Caller I'm pretty much 100 percent, well, close to 100 percent sure.

1:08:22 Adam But Lindsay, your 100 percent is like everyone else's 18 to 20 percent, right?

1:08:27 Drew Missing a period does not make you pregnant.

1:08:29 Caller Oh I know, like I know that.

1:08:32 Drew So how can you be 100 percent sure you're pregnant without a test?

1:08:37 Caller Well I'm not saying 100 percent but pretty sure because I know my body pretty well and like my you know I mean I thought I've been pregnant before and I hadn't been but I'm pretty sure.

1:08:50 Drew Hold on.

1:08:51 Adam Lindsay was on the speech and debate team in high school.

1:08:54 Drew That's quite a strong argument she's making.

1:08:55 Adam Well I call that that's a touche, that's game set match Drew.

1:08:59 Drew So I know my body, I've been pregnant before, I've been wrong.

1:09:03 Adam I thought I was pregnant before and I was wrong.

1:09:06 Drew And now I think I'm pregnant again.

1:09:08 Adam Right.

1:09:09 Will Arnett Sounds like the leader of this country.

1:09:11 Adam You make quite a compelling case there, Lindsay. There's really no arguing that you're pregnant now. Not by any sane or rational person. I mean you almost have to be, right?

1:09:21 Caller Who got you? No, I know you can like, I know it like, you think I'm like being stupid or something, but I'm like serious.

1:09:28 Adam Well I know, but what about the other times you thought you were pregnant and you weren't but you know your body?

1:09:35 Caller Well, cause like I thought maybe like the condom broke or something like that, you know, like, you know people have times when they're like not.

1:09:41 Adam That's the other thing, this is, it's like when kids argue, it's like someone brings up a valid point that you have to sort of address and you go, nah, I'm just going to pick another angle cause I feel like I'm cornered over here, I'll just hop into another chess set. That's what these, by the way, politicians do nothing but this too, as soon as they get cornered in this chess game, they'll just hop over and land on another chess board over here and we'll start a new game.

1:10:06 Adam I'll just not answer whatever, whatever the valid question that was brought up.

1:10:10 Drew Let's get past all this.

1:10:11 Adam I'm past all this. Who's the, you like pie or cake better? Smart.

1:10:17 Drew She's answering.

1:10:18 Adam Now let's talk. Let's talk. What can we do to help you?

1:10:21 Drew Are you, who was the father?

1:10:22 Adam I don't know if I want to abort because this is a person that is going to genetically, right, you know, nature, nurture. This kid's going to like pie.

1:10:30 Caller Yeah.

1:10:32 Adam Don't create an army.

1:10:35 Caller He's just this guy I met.

1:10:38 Drew Why are you having sex with all these guys unprotected and not taking care of yourself? What's going on? Were you sexually abused growing up? Were you physically abused?

1:10:55 Caller Okay.

1:10:57 Adam Your parents weren't Pi people, though, were they? Oh, really?

1:11:03 Drew Was he the abuser?

1:11:06 Adam I'll tell you, once in a while it happens.

1:11:08 Will Arnett That's a black mark on the Pi eating.

1:11:10 Adam I'm going to pull this guy's file when I get home and we're going to look into this because we can't take and eat what we call bad eggs or bad bread.

1:11:17 Will Arnett At the break, I want to ask you who we is.

1:11:20 Drew It's a front. It's a front. The pie eating is like a Jeffrey Dahmer being a...

1:11:26 Adam These guys will do it. They'll be seen just bringing home empty pie tins and boxes, carrying them like they're props. Oh, well, there he goes. He must be a decent guy.

1:11:35 Drew It's a beard.

1:11:35 Adam He's a smart guy. Look at him. He's got a new pie. He brings home every day. Then he just throws it on the ground. It's filled with those packing peanuts, the stifle man, and then starts beating the crap out of his kid.

1:11:48 Drew Being an abuse survivor is what causes a lot of this shift in the motivational systems of your brain that make you do things you don't want to do. One of the things that a primitive way of trying to control feelings and to feel better about yourself is to act out sexually. You're doing that. You're doing it to an extent that it's putting you in harm's way. How about looking into some help, some treatment with this, because this is not good.

1:12:13 Adam She's calling from Salt Lake. She's not going to get any therapy.

1:12:17 Drew She can turn to the church. Is she Mormon?

1:12:19 Adam Turn to the church, Lindsay. Oh, boy.

1:12:26 Drew Are you Mormon? No, no, no. I'm not talking about not getting pregnant so much as harming yourself many, many times.

1:12:30 Adam Take care of yourself. What do you do? Do you work?

1:12:32 Drew Are you a Mormon?

1:12:33 Caller No, I'm not Mormon and I don't work.

1:12:36 Adam You don't work. What do you do all day, besides have sex?

1:12:42 Drew How do you support yourself?

1:12:44 Caller My parents support me, I had to move back in.

1:12:47 Adam So, look, you're depressed.

1:12:48 Drew Yeah, of course. Are you using drugs or alcohol? It's not just depression.

1:12:54 Adam You're very depressed, Lynn Second, hearing your voice. How about a little therapy? Listen to a little classical music. Can they allow classical music in Utah?

1:13:03 Caller What? I lived in California for a while and like when I was there, I got my brother, I was living with my brother and he kicked me out and then I got abducted. And then I got abducted when I was there and raped by this person too, so that's why I had to come back and I haven't really done much since I've been back and like, but I was like sexually compulsive before I got raped too.

1:13:26 Adam Who abducted you?

1:13:28 Caller Some person off the street.

1:13:31 Drew Were you a processor in yourself?

1:13:33 Caller No. My brother had just dropped me off the street and I was trying to get to LAX and before I could get there then that happened.

1:13:43 Adam They picked you up in their car?

1:13:47 Drew Liz, you gotta get some free men. No, no, no.

1:13:49 Adam I mean, that could happen. Yeah, I just want to know what happened. Did you call the cops or anything?

1:13:54 Caller No, I didn't.

1:13:58 Drew Your what?

1:13:59 Caller Well, my sister, she like works on Capitol Hill and stuff and I told her about it and she said that like she could get like get him or whatever, get people to get him and I wouldn't have to get involved or something, but I just said forget about it.

1:14:18 Drew Hey, Lindsay, there's something that you need to get somewhere for a long term intensive interpersonal experience in a structured environment. Some sort of place where you go and live and get some help and this is gonna take a little time. Yeah. This is a there's a lot going on in Lindsay's head.

1:14:35 Adam Well, a lot and a little.

1:14:37 Drew Yeah.

1:14:38 Adam All at the same time.

1:14:39 Drew Yeah.

1:14:39 Adam All right. A ton and not that much.

1:14:42 Drew Yeah. Lindsay, it really seriously get get commit yourself to a long term course of treatment. You've been living a chaotic lifestyle for a long time and lots of trauma. It takes many, many, many months to repair this.

1:14:56 Adam I'd like to be a fly on the wall in that conversation with the sister over in Capitol Hill.

1:15:01 Will Arnett Yeah, I don't know if I really got that part.

1:15:04 Drew And why, by the way, why isn't the sister go, hey, let's get you some help? Not we're going to get that guy. What the hell?

1:15:10 Adam Well, to be fair to sister, Capitol Hill mainly just deals in second hand CDs. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a Capitol record.

1:15:17 Caller It's not the Washington one.

1:15:19 Adam Right. They have a lot of Sinatra stuff. Yeah, old Elvis stuff. Jennifer. You're at 24.

1:15:29 Drew All right.

1:15:29 Adam So now, you know how to keep the candle wax off the birthday cake?

1:15:34 Caller You have to put a lifesaver at the bottom of the candle.

1:15:37 Drew Yeah, Jennifer, he's not worried about the wax.

1:15:40 Adam Well, no, here's...

1:15:41 Caller I got about halfway through that while I was already on the phone when I figured out it's the snot and the bodily fluids that Adam's worried about.

1:15:48 Adam The, well, the lifesaver at the bottom of the candle is not bad, although I don't have a lot of lifesavers on hand, you know. I would, someone's going to have to make a run. Yeah, by the roll, okay. That's number one. But no, number two, that there's the part where your, your sleeve is catching on fire because you've lit the first eight candles and you're reaching across the other one.

1:16:10 Will Arnett You got to start, you got to start from the center though, Adam, I mean, everybody knows that.

1:16:13 Adam Well, these, these, these ones were arranged in a circle around the perimeter and I found myself, you know, trying to light the other one and have it, always try to go. One goes out. Yeah, one goes out. That's the other one too. Right. And you try to get that last candle on a match where it's like, you got a match, that match is good for three candles, you're going for four. And that's when it gets low.

1:16:32 Will Arnett Does the World War I thing apply to lighting candles too, you know, that you can't light three cigarettes off one match?

1:16:38 Adam Right.

1:16:39 Will Arnett You ever hear that?

1:16:39 Adam Bad luck.

1:16:40 Will Arnett Bad luck is the first one the guys see you, the second one they take aim, the third one they fire.

1:16:44 Drew Oh, yeah.

1:16:45 Will Arnett I wonder if that works on candles on birthday cakes.

1:16:47 Adam I didn't know that was a World War I thing.

1:16:48 Will Arnett Tell that to a four year old at his birthday.

1:16:50 Adam Makes sense. Yeah.

1:16:51 Drew Nice image.

1:16:51 Adam Well, you just run in a serpentine fashion while we blow these candles out so we don't get hit by a sniper. I'm going to have my kid convince us a sniper looking for him. At all times.

1:17:03 Drew You guys are going to make a great dad.

1:17:07 Adam When that whole, oh, it's so horrible, I shouldn't even repeat it, but when that whole sniper thing was going on. Malvo. Yeah. Yeah. And they were talking about, you know, they're talking to psychologists, they're telling them, you know, what do you tell the kids? What do you tell the kids? How do you tell the kids about this? Because, you know, kids are freaked out. I said, I was on Stern, I said, look, tell them a sniper only gets kids who don't clean their rooms. Now everyone thinks that was a horrible thing to say, but let's think about it. It empowers the children. It's like room.

1:17:41 Drew They're in control of their environment.

1:17:42 Adam I made my bed. I'm going to school wearing an orange vest. Right. And a big bullseye hat. I got no problems. I made my bed. Meanwhile, statistically, they're not going to get shot.

1:17:53 Will Arnett No matter what.

1:17:53 Adam But as a kid, you don't understand one in a million. You think it's... You watch something on the news, it's you're an ax. You made your bed.

1:18:00 Will Arnett Is that any worse than telling a kid that if he doesn't pray or do his thing that he's going to go to hell?

1:18:06 Adam No. This is good pragmatic atheism here.

1:18:10 Will Arnett Right.

1:18:10 Adam There's nothing wrong with that. And here's where I'm turning lemons into lemonade now. I've got a kid who's going to school whistling and his room is spanking clean, bounce a quarter off of that bed. You know, it's like the barracks in a marine bunk.

1:18:27 Drew Good times.

1:18:28 Adam Good times. Let's take a little break. Will Arnett is here tonight from Arrested Development. Fox, Sunday Night, Saturday, Thursday. We'll be right back.

1:18:42 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:18:44 Caller Love Line will be right back.

1:19:03 Adam I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Will Arnett is here tonight. Will is from Arrested Development. He's also, see, who's he married to from SNL?

1:19:19 Will Arnett Amy Poehler.

1:19:20 Adam Amy Poehler, that's right. It was a good episode last night. Ben Affleck was the host.

1:19:27 Drew I saw him doing the prologue, one of the intro.

1:19:31 Will Arnett Yeah, he was a good monologue.

1:19:33 Adam Yeah, he was good.

1:19:33 Will Arnett Took the piss off himself.

1:19:35 Drew We were playing poker alongside him a couple weeks ago.

1:19:38 Adam Yeah, well, his back was to us, right? Or to me.

1:19:42 Drew He was sitting right next to him during the practice game.

1:19:44 Adam He was?

1:19:45 Will Arnett City of Industry or?

1:19:47 Drew Commerce.

1:19:47 Will Arnett City of Commerce, right? Yeah, God, City of Industry.

1:19:50 Drew Way off, way off. How dare you?

1:19:53 Adam Yeah, we're playing Kung Pao, Pai Pao, Pao Pao.

1:19:57 Will Arnett Kung goes Pao?

1:19:58 Drew Pai goes Pao.

1:19:59 Will Arnett Pai goes Pao?

1:20:00 Adam Pai goes Pao. Pai goes Pao, hold him.

1:20:03 Will Arnett How'd you guys do it? Hold him.

1:20:06 Adam I couldn't wait to get out of there, so I just started effing up.

1:20:11 Drew I was surprised how much I enjoyed it.

1:20:14 Adam Really?

1:20:14 Drew Really surprised.

1:20:15 Adam I couldn't, here's the whole thing. To me, I start getting angry. It reminds me of the guys who get caught up in the rotisserie football and baseball. I start getting angry at them as we're sitting there because they're all caught up. I sat at a table with these five pros that wanted to do nothing but talk about card playing while they're playing cards. It was like a guy who wanted to talk about screwing while he was on top of a woman while he was watching porn.

1:20:45 Will Arnett Have you ever, you're watching an NBA game and then they have a commercial for the NBA in between. You're like, hey, guys, I'm watching it. I don't know how much more of my time you can get than 100%.

1:20:56 Adam I like the more random ones, which are like natural gas. It's the future. It's like, you're gonna go like, yeah, I'm gonna, you know, I was a butane man. I was a settling man. Now I've seen this commercial. I'm gonna go tap a well. Like, yeah, what do you want me to do? Run a gas line in from Alaska? Like, I got natural gas. What do you want me to do?

1:21:19 Drew What I was intrigued by the poker world, it was like entering a parallel universe. They all knew each other and it wasn't gambling. It was like a social world. It was like going to the Trekkie world, like in a Scar Trek kind of thing.

1:21:30 Adam Social, if you want to just talk about poker.

1:21:33 Will Arnett But there's something, it's kind of, it's inherently depressing.

1:21:37 Adam It is.

1:21:37 Will Arnett At the heart of it though.

1:21:40 Adam Let's not, excuse the fact or let's not overlook the fact that all these guys are losers. Huge social losers. Now, they walk around like they're kings because in this very small niche, they are kings. They are kings. I mean, they're, they're, they're, they strut around like roosters in there and that's fine. But soon as they get home, soon as they leave the casino, they're losers. Sure. They're gambling. You know, they said, I don't know, we're talking to someone out front of the casino. She like ran the casino and she was like, hey, you know, we got the gambler's walk of fame over there and DJ Duckett, he's got his hands in the whatever. And I said, how about an alcoholic's hall of fame? You just have the guy's forehead in the cement. He fell over during the ceremony. The gambler's hall of fame, why does it have a boozer's hall of fame? It's the same thing. It really is.

1:22:30 Will Arnett This is the history of guys who put all their livelihood on the line night after night.

1:22:35 Drew They don't though. They don't.

1:22:37 Adam Ah, they write books on it and stuff. I like, there's some math involved. There's some skill involved. There's a bunch of things involved.

1:22:45 Will Arnett Some shades wearing it.

1:22:46 Drew You gotta know how to flip your chips with one hand.

1:22:48 Adam You gotta do it with the chips. And here's the deal. These are 50 something year old guys who sit around and talk about other tournaments while they're in their tournament. Who basically will play for 14 hours a day and get up the next day and play some more. That's a loser.

1:23:08 Drew I have a bunch of young guys in my table.

1:23:09 Adam We can appreciate them for their math skills and their ability to have a poker face. But let's not forget they're losers. Let's never forget that. Don't ever forget that these guys are losers. Even the winners, losers. They sit around and play a seven card Texas Hold'em with a bunch of other 50 year old guys whose kids hate them. They got a little girl, she's gone lesbian and she's turning tricks. Is that because daddy's never home?

1:23:40 Drew I was with young guys at my table.

1:23:42 Adam Well, these are the losers of the future.

1:23:46 Will Arnett Future losers, after critical impact.

1:23:51 Adam So I sat there for about two hours and thought, I gotta get home. I gotta get out of here.

1:23:57 Drew Yeah, what do I think I'm doing here?

1:23:59 Adam Yeah, here's what I did. I went, look, I'm not gonna win. I'm not gonna win this. If I win, I'm gonna be here for nine hours. I gotta go home.

1:24:05 Drew We had radio to get back to that night.

1:24:07 Adam I gotta work and I don't wanna hit traffic. And if I play my ass off, I might be here for about three and a half, four hours, which should just put me into traffic as I'm trying to go home. So I'm just gonna throw all in and see if I can get the hell out of here. I didn't know I'd be soundly ridiculed soon as I got up from the table.

1:24:24 Will Arnett I was like, hey, out?

1:24:26 Adam Yeah, I'm out.

1:24:28 Will Arnett Already?

1:24:29 Adam Already, it's like, I never had the heart to really tell everybody, listen, this is a tarred fest here, okay? These are a bunch of idiots. These are losers. I wanna go home. It's not, by the way, sitting around with the fat guys in their 50s talking about the game you're playing who are total strangers for six, seven hours of time, it's not that good a time. Right. It really is.

1:24:51 Drew I, in the meantime, got beat by Nanny of Nanny and the Professor.

1:24:54 Adam Phoebe Figuer, Lily.

1:24:55 Drew And I got beat, I had a full house. I got beat with four nines.

1:24:59 Adam Oh, truly.

1:24:59 Will Arnett See, that is tough.

1:25:00 Drew That was it, I was out.

1:25:01 Will Arnett I'm gonna play one of these tournaments in end of March. We're gonna go to Vegas and do that Bravo thing. And I wanna go all in before I even sit at the table. Like they just introduce and then just go all in.

1:25:14 Adam Go all in.

1:25:14 Will Arnett I'm all in before they even shuffle the cards.

1:25:17 Adam Because here's what you want. You want the free flight to Vegas. You want the comp to Rome. You want the per diem. And you wanna get the hell out of there and hit a strip club with the men.

1:25:26 Will Arnett Well, I can't confirm or deny that. Everything else, yes.

1:25:31 Adam And here's the whole thing about, okay, let me just say one more thing about the poker. Poker is a social thing. You're supposed to get together with your buddies. You're supposed to put some beers back and smoke some Stokey.

1:25:41 Will Arnett And it's supposed to be about the bits that you do in between, not the actual.

1:25:44 Adam You're supposed to bust everyone else's chops. You're supposed to eat buffalo wings. That's what it is. It's not sitting with strangers in an intense environment for seven hours at a time. Thank you. Alexis? Hey, what's happening?

1:26:01 Caller I don't know. Last, like two weeks ago, I found out that my son-

1:26:05 Adam Hold on a second. I'm not done. Here's all I'd like. Here's all I'd like. Here's what I want in society. I am, I've had to ask full of everybody with their, hey, I'm a maniac for the red socks and I don't care who knows it. Like I got the socks jacket, I got the socks hat. All I talk about is the socks or conversely the Yankees or whoever it is. That's all I do is talk about my team or all I talk about is poker and I'm into poker and I got, that's all I do is talk about poker. When you become an adult, you need to shut up about this stuff. You should be embarrassed by it. In this society, we should shame you into it. You know what I mean? You're just talking about poker for seven hours while you're playing poker and reading a poker book and keeping a poker face. You should be humiliated by this. I mean, that makes you a loser. You understand? And the same with you rotisserie football idiots. Just shut up. Shut up. I don't want to hear about your trades. It really is. It's like, look, you got a little hobby? I'm fine, I got my own hobbies. I do, I like to pee in the sink. I like to beat off. I like to nap. I like to fly the model airplanes. I don't bother everybody with it. I have a quiet dignity through.

1:27:10 Drew You never talk about masturbation.

1:27:12 Adam Never.

1:27:13 Drew Never talk about the model airplane.

1:27:14 Adam Never brought it. Well, that's a noble hobby. How dare you? I'm out there. That's sport of kings. If you count guys who live at home and wear silk jackets, it's a that's a Black Widow tank buster on the back with P38. All right, Alexis.

1:27:39 Caller Yeah.

1:27:41 Adam What's up?

1:27:43 Caller So my friend like a week ago asked me if I could take her to get an abortion because she doesn't drive. The boyfriend doesn't drive and she didn't want to tell her parents about it like that she was pregnant. But I guess she wants to do the responsible thing for however responsible you can be for getting pregnant and getting abortion because she knew she couldn't have the baby. So I took her last week and I don't know. I was just I know it's like done now and there's nothing I can do about now. But I felt really bad afterwards. Like I shouldn't. I don't know. Was it like the right thing for me to do to like agree to do that?

1:28:19 Adam You didn't rob the bank, but you were just in the getaway car out front.

1:28:25 Caller Well, you know, like I felt really bad after. And also just after when she came out, when it was done and everything, it just like it was like an awful experience, like because I was thinking about what was going on and it really like it, you know, emotionally bothered her.

1:28:41 Drew Well, here's the deal. Here's the deal. You haven't created the law of the land. Yeah, you didn't get her pregnant. She was going to get an abortion no matter what. And maybe you've learned something very important about what abortions do to women and how you feel about them. And maybe you can take a position or be active in, you know, stating your case. Right. Certainly, it's an important issue of our time. And if you want to get active, this may motivate you to do so. I mean, you have a unique perspective now, and you ought to speak about it.

1:29:12 Adam And, you know, no one, everyone's either busy, you know, the sort of religious right wing TARD groups over there are busy, you know, trying to shoot doctors. And then the super left wing commies are busy saying, there's nothing wrong with it. It's always something a little in between. Yeah.

1:29:31 Drew And Alexis has experience with it. She's felt it and seen it with her friends.

1:29:35 Adam As you say, don't talk about the emotional repercussions of this procedure.

1:29:39 Drew Yeah, at least that, at least you will make women think about it before they rush off to do this as though it were nothing.

1:29:45 Adam That's good time, sir.

1:29:46 Drew It is good time.

1:29:48 Adam The gambler's hall of fame, everybody.

1:29:50 Drew Hands, hands in cement.

1:29:52 Adam Hands in cement, right. And by the way, is gambling good or is it bad? You know what I mean?

1:29:57 Caller I thought it was illegal.

1:29:58 Drew Well, we have lottery. That's good.

1:30:00 Adam Lottery's good.

1:30:01 Drew Horse racing good. Betting on professional sports.

1:30:04 Adam Bad. Oh, well, yes.

1:30:05 Drew Poker good.

1:30:06 Adam Pokers are good.

1:30:07 Drew PyGow bad.

1:30:08 Adam Well, no, no, no. PyGow's power good. PyGow is okay, but you couldn't just play bad.

1:30:15 Drew So clear. Bad, evil. Satan's sport.

1:30:18 Will Arnett Have you ever been to Atlantic City, by the way?

1:30:19 Drew No.

1:30:20 Will Arnett It's like the most depressing place.

1:30:21 Drew That's what people say.

1:30:22 Will Arnett And you go to Vegas and people are playing craps and people are gathered around. They're cheering and they're going nuts and they're there for a weekend. Atlantic City, they're just making rent. They win. They're like great.

1:30:33 Adam April. It is a gambling is as much an addiction as alcohol or anything else. I mean, it sucks you in and it could it can arguably ruin you just as fast, if not faster than alcoholism or many other addictions.

1:30:49 Drew UNLV has a laboratory, gambling laboratory, set up a casino and they put college kids in and they study their behavior and stuff, their biology in response to the gambling.

1:30:58 Will Arnett But by the way, UNLV, I was I was in Vegas, like I said, and I drove by their their big stadium, the Thomas Mac Center, and on the marquee, you know, that is of what is presumably a university building.

1:31:11 Drew It looks like a hotel.

1:31:12 Will Arnett They got ads for like for slots and stuff.

1:31:16 Drew Really? Yeah, that's funny.

1:31:18 Adam Yeah, look, I think I think I think people should definitely have the right to gamble if they if they feel like it. But make no mistake, it can ruin you. It's you would not put it this way. You don't want your husband doing a lot of gambling.

1:31:31 Drew I had to think long and hard whether I was going to do that poker event we did and what that meant and try to represent a point of view.

1:31:38 Adam Finally, was able to make his decision when he realized he got a free Santa and need a tote.

1:31:43 Will Arnett Had to go.

1:31:44 Adam You get that tote bag.

1:31:47 Will Arnett He's got a tote collection.

1:31:48 Drew No, it's a travel travel channel tote.

1:31:50 Adam Who decided that all the people that participate in all these things need need a tote? I need you know what I need? I need a huge tote to tote the totes. I have millions of tote bags now.

1:32:01 Drew My kids like those.

1:32:03 Adam It's a tote. I didn't know what a tote was when I was. What are you toting? You're not going anywhere.

1:32:09 Drew They spend the night at everybody's house.

1:32:11 Adam We'll let them tote this stuff in a pillow sack like we did. Put foil around it. I put my sleeping bag, a pillow, change underpants and foil.

1:32:20 Will Arnett We should give them to hobos who have to usually use a stick with the bandana.

1:32:24 Drew With the bandana.

1:32:25 Will Arnett With the polka dots on it. We should start giving out these swag totes.

1:32:28 Drew Oh, that'll ruin everything.

1:32:29 Adam All right. We're going to take a quick break. Will Arnett here tonight. We'll be right back after this. Love Line. Love Line. Hey, everybody, it's the Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Will Arnett is here tonight. Arrested Development is his show. Sunday nights, 9.30 on Fox. Will's good people, like Will.

1:33:03 Caller He's good, he's level-headed, a rapist.

1:33:07 Drew And that's how he is.

1:33:09 Will Arnett Who is that?

1:33:12 Caller This week on Hack.

1:33:14 Adam All right, so that wasn't you on NBC doing that. What do you do besides the GMC commercials? Is that engineered by-

1:33:21 Will Arnett Yeah, professional grid engineering.

1:33:23 Adam Yeah, say that, come on, give me a break.

1:33:25 Will Arnett It's not more than you need, just more than you're used to.

1:33:28 Adam That's right. It's true.

1:33:31 Will Arnett And it is true.

1:33:31 Adam Unacceptable. That's true, you don't need more, but because you've been dealing with other companies, now what if you've been dealing with GMC?

1:33:40 Drew Yeah, then you're used to it.

1:33:41 Adam Don't really address that. Michael?

1:33:45 Caller Yeah.

1:33:46 Adam You're 20?

1:33:47 Caller Yeah.

1:33:48 Adam What's up, bogus?

1:33:50 Caller Yeah, I got a question for Drew.

1:33:51 Drew It's bogus, Michael. Whatever it is, we don't believe it.

1:33:53 Adam We don't believe it.

1:33:54 Drew You gotta pick it up in your attitude.

1:33:55 Adam Yeah, your voice, it's all wrong.

1:33:57 Caller No, okay, well, I was at a party and I was drinking and some girl gave me oral sex and it turns out I got chlamydia from it and I was wondering if I gave another girl oral sex, is it possible to give it to her even though I didn't kiss her or anything?

1:34:13 Drew That you would, that chlamydia would magically go from your penis to your mouth?

1:34:18 Caller Well, yeah, I didn't, I don't know.

1:34:20 Adam Can you get to yourself, you know what I'm saying?

1:34:25 Will Arnett Are you from Nantucket?

1:34:27 Caller No, I don't think so.

1:34:29 Adam Because there once was this guy, Drew. Yeah.

1:34:32 Drew Yeah. No, Michael, your chlamydia is transmitted by, if it's on the penis, in her case it was in her throat, which is, there was such a thing.

1:34:41 Adam Yeah, I don't, I mean, I still don't believe you.

1:34:44 Drew But whatever. It's in the, so yeah, if you have to.

1:34:46 Adam Who would blow Michael?

1:34:47 Drew And by the way, once you have, chlamydia is treated with a single dose of antibiotic and then it's over. So presumably you've got that. And so it's over for you anyway.

1:34:56 Adam Let's talk to young Rachel. Rachel? 26, what's happening, baby doll?

1:35:04 Well, I'm coming off a divorce recovering Mormon and dating, I've always been the one that's had a boyfriend. Now I just date a lot of guys. I've got some friends who think maybe I'm sleeping with too many of them. I rotate between about four and five guys, sex a couple times a week. I'm always careful, con and birth control, all that.

1:35:28 Adam You're more right. Now, you separate them or do they have to tag in?

1:35:39 Caller But, you know, there's no chides, no commitments.

1:35:44 Adam So you must have...

1:35:44 Caller They don't know that I'm doing this though.

1:35:46 Adam Okay, quiet down. You must have had a horrible relationship that you're coming out of. Yeah, all right. So men cannot be trusted. Their phone's so bad. Do you have any kids? No, no, no. All right, do what you want.

1:36:06 Drew There you go.

1:36:08 Adam Listen, here's the thing. You know, obviously what you're doing is compensation.

1:36:13 Drew Acting out.

1:36:14 Adam And you're acting out. You came off a relationship where you got screwed. Now you don't trust guys so the way you won't you can avoid intimacy. Just be ironically intimate with this with a dozen guys. Fine. Do what you want. Get out of your system. And a year you'll be ready to get married if, you know, you don't get worn out down there, which I've seen happen. Yeah.

1:36:35 Drew Or these guys don't try to kill each other.

1:36:36 Adam Yeah, whatever. Keep in mind, you're dealing with five guys. One of them may have a pistol and a 40 ounce or somewhere. That's about all it takes with guys. But if you don't have any kids, you're screwing up and you're not cheating on anybody, knock yourself out. We don't judge here.

1:36:53 Will Arnett Have you guys read Under the Banner of Heaven, by the way?

1:36:56 Drew No, what's that?

1:36:56 Will Arnett That...

1:36:57 Adam I don't read. I believe it poisons the mind.

1:36:59 Drew Go ahead.

1:37:00 Will Arnett Is that Crack Hour a book about Mormonism?

1:37:02 Drew Mm-mm.

1:37:05 Will Arnett Really intense, huh?

1:37:06 Adam Speaking of Crack Hour, it's getting to that time. Crack Hour, for me, it's 12.30. Yeah, Sunday nights. Yeah. So I gotta get moving here. Old lady starts heating up the pipe about, uh... About 12.15. Come home. Get my slippers on. 12.30. Sunday nights. Crack Hour.

1:37:27 Will Arnett This is the new American family.

1:37:28 Adam That's right. Jim?

1:37:31 Caller Yeah?

1:37:31 Adam You're, uh, 21. Your girlfriend cheated with your best friend, and they don't know you know.

1:37:40 Caller Exactly.

1:37:40 Adam All right.

1:37:41 Caller But it's a little more complicated than that. Yeah, I've been dating her for about a year and a half now, and everything I thought was going great. Then, all of a sudden, about three days ago, this buddy of mine, he's a really good friend of mine, sits me down and tells me that this other friend of mine was telling him that he had sex with him and had like a lot of details and stuff, and so it's a real credible story and I don't know how to confront my girlfriend or him or what I'm supposed to do. All right.

1:38:13 Adam Well, you got to break up with her. And this guy's your best friend?

1:38:17 Drew Yeah. There's no point in confronting anybody. They're both done. What does it do? All you're going to hear is denials. You're going to question your own judgment. They're going to try to make it your fault or somebody. They're going to blame, deny, whatever.

1:38:31 Adam Yeah.

1:38:32 Drew You're done. Just get out.

1:38:33 Adam Just blow them out. Here's the saddest. Here's the saddest. Look, it's not the stuff of TV movies, but really what you got to do is you pick up the phone, you call her and you go, listen, we're over. And if she goes, well, what are you talking about? I think you know why. And let's just do it in a dignified way. And if I change my mind, I'll call you. You hang up, you call him, you say, listen, we won't be talking for a little while. But I think you know why. If I change my mind, I'll call you.

1:39:01 Drew But stay with me.

1:39:02 Will Arnett But you're saying that there's no way that he can go and make this big speech in front of a bunch of people in public and then all of a sudden a slow clap build starts and his point is recognized and everybody sees that.

1:39:12 Adam Slow clap. Slow clap. No, no, no, no.

1:39:16 Caller Yeah.

1:39:16 Adam I'm going to be the guy who starts it. I started first.

1:39:21 Drew Wait, no, no. You need at least three or four by yourself.

1:39:23 Caller Yeah.

1:39:24 Adam You're right. I can't believe Drew had to give you an acting. I know.

1:39:28 Will Arnett I know. He's right.

1:39:31 Adam Here we go.

1:39:31 Drew I was on a film.

1:39:32 Caller Oh, that's right.

1:39:37 Adam Drew hits the mic.

1:39:40 Caller Right.

1:39:40 Adam That's how it goes.

1:39:42 Will Arnett And then it turns into that.

1:39:43 Adam Yeah. I missed that big, slow, that slow build.

1:39:47 Will Arnett Yeah. Don't you wish you could have John Hughes with you to tell you how to handle every moment, like pivotal moments in your life?

1:39:52 Adam Yeah. Like this is slow clap.

1:39:54 Will Arnett Enter the gym. And.

1:39:56 Adam Right. Yeah. Yeah. And when you say your statement, I'll do the record scratch. I like a sound effects guy with me, too. I throw my back out, boy. It's not funny. Yeah. When everyone turns and looks at me, that's what we hear. Yeah. We're going to take a little break. Will Arnett here tonight. Got some interesting ideas this kid. Arrested Development, name of the show. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:40:25 Caller Okay, so I know there's nothing wrong with me. So what's up?

1:40:27 Caller So I was like you and I used to think that these datelines were totally cheesy. But I tried everything else and thought, what the hell? Believe it or not, other normal people are out there looking too.

1:41:09 Drew Bye, Will.

1:41:10 Will Arnett Yeah, see you guys.

1:41:11 Adam Yeah, good seeing you. This is great. Amy Poehler is his wife, by the way. And you can get her on this show, if she ever get out to LA?

1:41:21 Will Arnett Yeah, next time she's out here.

1:41:23 Adam When is that?

1:41:24 Will Arnett Well, we're done, so I go back, but maybe in like May.

1:41:29 Drew And get on that.

1:41:30 Caller Yeah.

1:41:30 Adam I love SNL. I was a fan of the show. Arrested Development, everyone. Sunday night, 9.30 on Fox.

1:41:36 Caller A rapist.

1:41:38 Adam Please, the mics are still hot. Always a delight. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo. Oh really?

1:41:50 Drew Is he the abuser?

1:41:52 Adam Oh. I'll tell you, once in a while it happens.

1:41:55 Will Arnett That's a black mark on the piding.

1:42:00 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors or this station. The producer for Loveline is Annie Gold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

Episode Feedback

Sunday, March 14, 2004