Episode 1000600378683

0:54 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content.

0:58 Voiceover The listener discretion is advised.

1:00 Voiceover Loveline with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

1:04 Adam I'm Adam. Phone number 1-800-L-V-E-1-9-1. Dr. Drew, board certified physician, addiction medicine specialist. Will Sasso is here tonight from Less Than Perfect.

1:16 Will Sasso Thanks for having me.

1:17 Adam Also, MadTV.

1:19 Will Sasso Hi, everybody.

1:21 Adam So did you leave MadTV to go to Less Than Perfect?

1:24 Will Sasso No, I left MadTV just because I kind of left. And then later I ended up on Less Than Perfect.

1:30 Drew MadTV got canceled.

1:31 Will Sasso No, it's still on.

1:33 Drew Wait a minute. That was the year before that I got canceled. No.

1:35 Adam Yeah.

1:35 Drew It got canceled like nine times.

1:37 Adam They're having a laugh because...

1:39 Drew Every time.

1:39 Adam MadTV started about a year after Loveline, the TV show started, it seemed like, or maybe about the same time.

1:46 Drew Yeah.

1:47 Adam And we would constantly have the MadTV cast on the show. And then each year we'd have them on the show. It would either be on the TV show or it would be on this show. And someone would always lean over, like Deborah, what's her nose? Nicole. Nicole. And they would always like lean over during a commercial and they go, this is our last year. This is, by the way, I'm talking about 1996.

2:12 Drew Yes, yes.

2:13 Yeah, you won't be hearing our name.

2:16 Drew Yeah, and we'd be like, really? It's funny, like, oh, no way Fox is done with this show.

2:20 Adam This is the last time we'll be on TV. We have to leave.

2:24 Will Sasso Yeah, it's lasting a long, long time.

2:27 So can we take some craft service with us?

2:30 Will Sasso Yeah, so I figured I had we all started trying to leave, figuring maybe that way we can move on to being unknowns. And the show might get canceled, but they just replaced us with new unknowns.

2:41 Adam The the show is good and it's a nice alternative to Saturday Night Live.

2:48 Will Sasso It's the other white meat.

2:49 Adam Saturday Night Live. And and it's just kept it's just kept trucking along. I've done it my own self. Yes, Drew?

2:57 Drew Yes.

2:58 Adam Yes.

2:58 Drew Have you done it? No, I'm not funny.

3:01 Adam Oh, no.

3:02 Drew Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

3:03 Will Sasso That's not a prerequisite for.

3:06 Adam No, I mean, you could. Yeah, you might not be able to be a regular cast member, but you could certainly make it into some sort of semi-regular rotation.

3:12 Will Sasso I was actually pitching him as a regular cast member there when I saw him.

3:17 Adam Will is off to bigger and better things with Less Than Perfect. But then why did you leave? Was there any bad blood? Was there a problem?

3:25 Will Sasso No, no, not at all.

3:26 Adam Just five seasons?

3:27 Will Sasso I was there five years and I was like, that's enough. And I was developing elsewhere. And, you know, I kind of feel like five years was good.

3:35 Drew A bold man, confident.

3:37 Will Sasso Well, you know, a man who never took a chance, never had a chance. I don't know how that sounds.

3:42 Adam Something like that. Yeah, I mean, the thing about it is, and I think nobody really understands this in this business or at least they never perceive it this way. When I was had an enjoyable time reading in the trades about the Corolla ectomy that was performed at Comedy Central when I said, no, I don't want to do a fifth season of The Man Show. I just I don't want to do it. But Comedy Central performs Corolla ectomy. No, I just didn't want to do it anymore. It's all right. I didn't get caught doing Blow. I wasn't like a fisting an executive. We didn't get into it. They was just that they wanted me to do more. I didn't want to do any more than a hundred shows is enough. I was tired. I was fine. I like that. It doesn't happen that often. But once in a while, somebody says like, I did a hundred hundred of these. Now I'm going to do a hundred or something else.

4:32 Will Sasso Sure. Sure. Well, you know, you end up being invisible.

4:35 Adam Now that's that's a it's a like I said, say a confident or like Drew said, a confident man that can do that. It looks you landed right on your feet. Got on to like a less than perfect in just a matter of months show. Not only looks good, but well, Sarah Rue, of course, Andy Dick was in here. Who else we missing from that show? The point seems like it seems like a good cast. I mean, Andy's nuts. Yeah. And and and and and sexually just off off the charts. So you never know. I mean, it's you never know.

5:09 He must have some drops there of I just wanted to see the wet pink stick.

5:14 Adam Yeah.

5:15 Drew That is trisexual.

5:19 Adam How about like a quad or his thing was I'm bisexual.

5:24 Drew I'll try anything.

5:25 Adam Oh, yeah, that makes sense.

5:27 All right.

5:27 Adam So, Will, anything else we need to plug before we get to the phones here?

5:31 Will Sasso No, less than perfect. I'd be lying if I didn't say it is the funniest thing on television.

5:39 Jesus Christ.

5:41 Will Sasso Everybody should watch it. Right, Andy?

5:45 Adam Oh, yeah.

5:45 Will Sasso More sound cues left.

5:46 Adam Let me let me explain Anderson. Anderson is Anderson is a cat. He's not a dog. What is it? A cat is a great pet, but a cat does not come because you slap your hands together. The cat comes when the cat is ready to get up. Still a great pet. Do not try to lead it around by the nose. You know what move that's never worked on a cat ever? The fake throw the ball trick. Fake it. You know why? Because they didn't go the first one. What is there to fake?

6:15 Drew The only reaction you get is I'm running under a couch.

6:18 Adam Yeah. Yeah, you know, like the fake throw the ball thing works on that. It's like if Christopher Reeve did a fake punch at your gut. Like, huh? I'm not moving. No, I just mean, you want me to double over? I didn't. No, I don't. It would be confusing. That's what is the cat. You can't do any fake stuff with a cat.

6:40 Drew Yeah, the cat looks like it's confusing, too.

6:41 Adam The cat looks at you like, what the? You think I'm? I'm not your bitch. I'm not a bitch. That's female.

6:46 Will Sasso You're right, but then they'll take the little toy and they'll bat it around for hours, days and days.

6:51 Adam Cat would rather.

6:52 Will Sasso As long as it's on their own.

6:53 Adam Swat its stuff to itself and give you the satisfaction of rolling the ping pong ball. I'll smack it myself, wise ass. I don't need you. It's a constant. All cats do is we don't need you. We don't need you. I got my own stuff. I sleep over here. I chase my own ping pong ball around. I got my stuff.

7:10 Sharing is good, but not when it's with needles, because then the only thing positive is your HIV test.

7:19 Drew Does he perform for you guys? What do they call the bitches from the Stone Age or something?

7:23 Adam The bitches of the century.

7:24 Drew The century.

7:25 Will Sasso Yeah, no. There's none of that.

7:27 Adam Probably a good thing.

7:29 Tasha?

7:30 Yeah.

7:31 Adam You're 16?

7:32 Caller Yep.

7:33 Adam What's up?

7:34 My mom, she has this boyfriend, right? And he's only 29, and she's 42, and he's like a really big loser. Like, he smokes pot like more than like five times a day, and like, he has a job, but he never goes.

7:49 Drew That's interesting.

7:54 Adam Well, isn't a job you never go to just one you got fired from three years ago?

7:59 Drew Or that her dad owns the business.

8:01 Adam Hey, how does he keep a job he never goes to?

8:04 I have no idea.

8:08 Drew Tasha, did your mom just get out of a…

8:10 Adam I was thinking, by the way, you know, you know how we always laughed at the daughters never know anything about their dad's jobs?

8:18 Drew Yes.

8:18 Adam And then they know less about the stepdad?

8:20 Drew Oh, yes.

8:21 Adam Imagine how little they know about mom's boyfriend and what he does. I mean, that's minus. That's a vacuum of work knowledge.

8:28 Drew It's only what happens in her presence. So he must smoke pot. That's his job.

8:32 Adam Because we love talking to chicks like, what's your dad do? I know he was in the shuttle program. That's all I know. I think he flew Apollo. Something.

8:45 Will Sasso His job is smoking pot and he's smoking pot five times a day.

8:48 Drew Good job.

8:49 Will Sasso Yes.

8:50 Drew Well done.

8:50 Adam He's going to be giving himself a raise soon. Maybe buying a new bong, company bong.

8:54 Drew The most common reason, listen Tasha, that a parking space for a square back. A 42 year old woman would sort of go for somebody like this if this hadn't been her pattern in the past. It has been. Because if it hadn't been, it's someone who's just been brutalized in a relationship, they'll sort of find some guy to hang out with for a little while.

9:12 Adam Yeah, like if your dad, if your biological dad was aggressive, or maybe physical or something like that, sometimes women just get a younger guy, they don't have to think about it.

9:22 Will Sasso That's not the reason, Dr. Drew.

9:24 Drew It's a reason.

9:25 Will Sasso No, I don't want to say the real reason for Natasha.

9:29 Drew Well, if it's her pattern, then doesn't your mom do drugs too then? What's that?

9:35 She doesn't do drugs at all.

9:38 Drew Ms. Natasha, what does she do for a living?

9:43 I know this.

9:44 Adam She sells repossessed cars.

9:46 Will Sasso You know nothing about it.

9:47 Adam Oh, my God. This is, hold on. This is, I was going to call it white trash, but actually it, you know, it's, it's, and then I was going to call it, yes, opaque trash or translucent trash. But this is actually a big error move too. The go by, this is brown trash, not, not the Mexican man, not the black man, but the Arab man. I love to Middle Eastern guy. I love to go buy the cars from, from the, from the auction or from the recycler. They get the recycler. Somehow they get the paper day early. I don't know how, because when I used to try to sell my trucks, I get this call. The paper comes out Thursday morning. I get the Wednesday night call. Hello, who is this? Yes. Yes. Yeah. This is 89 Nissan truck. Yes. That's $5. I'm asking $2,300. $6. Well, you haven't even seen. Whoever worked on it should have their hands cut off. Cut down. $10. Final offer. I'll be there now. I'm coming. Yes. I come. I buy. I need for doctor. You know, it's like, all right, you don't want to use car a lot on Lakers. No, no, that's not me. No. This horrible. These are horrible people, by the way. Because you end up driving a beat up piece of ass for four months and you make 80 bucks on it by the time you're done with registration and this. All right. We got Tasha. Yeah. I don't trust your family.

11:06 Drew But I've never heard of a woman doing this. It's intriguing. It's intriguing.

11:10 Adam Is your mother Arab?

11:14 Drew Where did she pick up this trade?

11:17 They started going out when he was 19. All right.

11:20 Drew Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold on. Hold on. Where did she pick up the trade of buying the repossessed car?

11:26 Adam She's not going to get anything.

11:27 I don't remember.

11:28 Adam What should we do with this guy?

11:30 Drew Look.

11:30 Adam Here's the thing, Tasha.

11:31 Drew This is getting bogus.

11:32 Adam It's getting bogus.

11:34 I promise you.

11:36 Adam Listen. Who cares? You're 16.

11:37 Drew She's been dating this guy since you were six? Yeah.

11:41 Adam I'm done. You're 16. You're going to get out of the house soon, God willing. What grade are you in?

11:47 Drew What's the question?

11:48 Adam What grade are you in?

11:48 Well, I think he might be doing crank and I want to know if there's any way to know physically.

11:55 Drew You really can't know. Crank is something people could do only a couple of times a week and start to have a lot of neurological consequences. So if he starts to get really paranoid about neighbors or coworkers or people around or close to him and gets into a sort of elaborate detailed description of how they're coming to get him and follow him and that kind of stuff, that is crank. And if he smokes a lot of pot, most marijuana addicts will get to crank eventually. So I would bet you're right. He's doing crank.

12:20 Adam Look. And these kids never do it. But this is all the excuse you need to get your grades up and go far away to college somewhere. Just get out of there. You're you're, you know, 16, going on 17, you got another year and a half. Get your grades up. Go get some kind of white trash scholarship with your mom deals repossessed car scholarship and get out. You know what I mean? All right.

12:42 Will Sasso Here's my little mind nugget for you. Bono once said something really smart and cool about 16 year olds and their effect on the world. I can't remember what it is, though.

12:52 Drew But it must be cool.

12:53 Will Sasso Oh, well, he's Bono.

12:55 Adam Yeah.

12:55 Drew You know, I spent my whole day in the emergency room today with Paulina had a head injury.

13:00 Adam What happened? That's Drew's daughter. Ice skating?

13:03 Drew No. Some buddy or boy just sort of threw her down. Threw her down?

13:09 Adam What were they doing? Wrestling?

13:11 Drew Yeah. There's a lot of rough housing in their class. She likes to get in the middle of it because she's going to keep up with the boys and stuff and doesn't remember what happened. And she went back to class, seemed okay, then started going unconscious, then started vomiting.

13:24 Adam She got a concussion. So she whacked her head on the ground or something?

13:30 Drew And she had all these strange, particular bruises around in here. No one could figure out. Really, we're trying to put it together.

13:36 Adam Where is she now?

13:37 Drew She made it back home. She spent the whole day in the hospital.

13:39 Adam Did she put ice on her head and stuff?

13:41 Drew Did she have a big bruise on her head? She was still vomiting. She vomited for hours.

13:43 Adam Really?

13:44 Drew Yeah.

13:45 Adam Where is it? Where? In the back of her head? Right side.

13:48 Drew Temporal.

13:48 Adam Scary.

13:49 Drew Yeah, good times.

13:50 Adam She going to be alright?

13:51 Drew Yeah, I think so. But until we got that CAT scan, I was flipping out.

13:55 Adam I've gotten many concussion and never vomited.

13:57 Drew I've seen many concussion. I've never seen this striking with the, you know, couldn't stay awake and then wake up with a little vomit and stuff.

14:04 Adam We're going to get some head gear on these kids.

14:06 Drew I told her that. I want special Ed's line of head gear. I really do. I told her that I'm going to get you some special Ed's wearers. Yay.

14:17 Adam Yeah. I was because we're watching the hockey, you know, this thing where this guy got clocked in the hockey fight or if you want to call it a fight, a cold cocking. And I was thinking, you know, I always say it with the hockey, which is I, I never I played football and baseball. I'm from North Hollywood. I don't even know. Like I didn't know you could buy ice skates. I thought you could rent them. I guess hockey players, I was always like, wow, quite a tab. That guy's running up with those skates. He's had them for near six months now. Oh, it's going to be huge. He's never going to get his license back when he goes to check them in. But I didn't know you could own them. But these guys wear, wear helmets. I just watch and I see him wear. They got the bucket chin strap because here's what it was. Somebody said it was great thing. Like they played hockey for 90 years before somebody said, hey, perhaps seeing as ice the hardest substance known to man and guys on blades and everyone's thrown a forearm into everybody, perhaps in the hot, forget about the puck flying around. Perhaps these guys should put a helmet on, much like other sports that are far less dangerous than hockey where they all wear helmets, you know?

15:26 Will Sasso How dare you?

15:26 Adam Yeah.

15:26 Will Sasso So then it was like, like football when Bobby Orr went back in the day, they were wearing suede caps, kind of like helmets.

15:33 Adam So then it was like, all right, we're going to put helmets on for everyone who got in the league after 1982 or something. So then there was the grandfather guys who didn't have to wear a helmet, which is another just are you what are you guys running a league over there? What are you doing? Is it like is it a banana republic or just some it's in a sports league? Like what do you mean? So now you got half the guys with the helmet and the other guys with the pomade and the hair slicked back.

16:01 Will Sasso Look, those are the greatest highlights to see to where you got like Gila Fleur and like Gretzky on the same time.

16:07 Adam Here comes a bunch of guys with helmets and here comes Ricky Nelson in between of the hair flowing in the wind.

16:14 Will Sasso It's like but they had giant mustaches back then.

16:18 Adam I know. Either you put everyone you just make a rule that says everyone's going to wear helmets. Like could you imagine in baseball like they're going to. Yeah, I've had a few guys get hit at the plate. We're going to make it a rule to put the helmet on when you're at the bat. Yeah, I'm not going to wear one. That's not my thing. I, you know, I live life, you know, I take it one day at a time. I look fast and I lift loose and I don't bat with a helmet.

16:43 It's the grandfather rule, Adam. They kind of make the veterans do it because they've never done it before.

16:47 Adam I know. I just said it was a grandfather rule.

16:50 Drew The having a grandfather rule when you identify something as being life threatening makes no sense is what he's saying.

16:56 Adam Yeah. And I know that was a grandfather rule, but grandfather rules for like parking enforcement and stuff. It's not for head protection. Nobody said like when they made the helmet laws for motorcycles. Well, guys who've been on the bikes for a few years, you don't have to wear helmets.

17:14 Drew When my grandfather didn't wear seat belts, he didn't have to wear seat belts.

17:17 Adam Drew's a legacy. He doesn't have to wear the belts. You new guys from different countries, guys just got your licenses. If you're going to need a belt, that five way harness, roll bar, fire suppression, nets, the whole thing. You guys, you're a long generation of guys riding on bench seats. No problem. No headrest either for you.

17:34 Drew I'm just wild.

17:35 Adam You're grandfathered in.

17:36 Drew Absolutely.

17:37 Adam So hockey figured out, like idiots, it was like, okay, a third of the guys. And then as the calendar pages went blowing by, those guys got less and less. Eventually, it was just like two guys out there with no helmets on. And then they said, all right, well, we'll wear a helmet, but we're not going to cinch it down like a pussy. We'll leave the chin strap hanging down nine inches, like a bucket, like a handle of a bucket they hold upside down. It is just swinging down, just swinging in the breeze, way in and out. So this is good because when a guy comes up behind and high sticks you, the helmet flies off just before the forehead makes contact with the actual ice. Face guards, we're not going to wear those pussy shields and stuff. With no ear, the stupid thing doesn't go over to the ears and stuff. Like just put a real helmet on and put a chin strap on, put a mouthpiece in and go at it.

18:29 Will Sasso Nothing would have saved that guy though, the other night.

18:32 Adam Oh yeah, no, that was bad. But I'll tell you one thing. It looks like the guy socked him right about the cheek and ear area where the helmet wasn't. It looked like it went right under the helmet. If it was a normal helmet, like if it was a sort of batting helmet that looped down under the ear and had the hole and it looked like the guy would have caught some helmet. And then number two, if the thing was securely put on there and was sort of properly done, it might not have come off or the way it whacked his face on the thing. Need a little face guard there too.

19:01 Will Sasso I'd just like to point out to the listeners at home that the whole time Adam's been talking about the helmet, he's been using Dr. Drew to illustrate it. Just so you know, his hand was right in front of Dr. Drew's face.

19:12 Adam He's not great on the radio, but he's a great crash test dummy.

19:17 Will Sasso Yeah, you can see it was very it was diagrammed perfectly for me.

19:20 Adam Turn around, show him the yellow axis. I got on the side of his head, I got the yin yang thing in yellow. It's good because when we shoot the super high speed film, we can actually see what happens to his vertebra. Liz? You're 24? What's happening?

19:41 Caller I have a boyfriend that I've had for like the last four months and he says because I like the things I like in bed and the way that I respond, he thinks that I was abused.

19:52 Adam Well, what do you like?

19:54 Will Sasso You called the right show.

19:56 Caller I did.

19:57 Will Sasso Dr. Drew Teller, you were, sorry, I'm sorry.

20:02 Caller Oh, no. Things that I like would be being kind of tied up, things a little rough, a little physical.

20:09 Drew A little physical.

20:11 Caller Or a lot.

20:12 Drew Okay. Well, there you go. That does mean somebody smacked you around.

20:16 Adam How much physical, though? I mean, really, really good slapping?

20:20 Caller Oh, not so much that. More like being choked, being fisted, really kind of harsh things.

20:26 Adam Fisted.

20:27 Drew Why do you need that?

20:29 Caller I don't know.

20:30 Drew Well, part of the reason that that leads to a suggestion of physical and or sexual abuse is that when that happens to you and you're young or a child, it causes a disconnect with your body, and the only way that you can sort of re-experience yourself then is that...

20:44 Adam Via the fist?...

20:45 Drew is via much higher levels of stimulation than a normal person, because that part is sort of not working normally. So it does suggest something pretty substantial happen.

20:53 Caller Something like that. And it's been happening to me since I was really young. Like, boyfriends, parents are like, oh, I think that girl was abused, and clarity and stuff like that.

21:04 Adam All right. Well, listen, where's your dad? Where's your mom? You have weird uncles? What's up?

21:11 Caller I have a weird uncle. Everybody has a weird uncle. No, my parents, they were married just a few years ago, so they have like 30, I think, 30 years, 29.

21:21 Adam So were you abused? You weren't abused. You don't remember anything?

21:24 Caller No. No.

21:26 Drew And did no one ever hit you growing up?

21:29 Caller No.

21:31 Adam Listen, I'm going to start fisting her in a second, because it's so goddamn boring. I can't take it anymore. So that's like, you're fine then.

21:39 Drew The really proof is whether she can have stable relationships. If she's able to have, pick non-abusive guys and have stable relationships, then whatever.

21:46 Adam Yeah.

21:47 Drew It doesn't really matter.

21:48 Adam Yeah. Good times. Just thinking back to those recycler days, selling those trucks. Oh, yeah.

21:54 Drew Well, you have that one great story with the guy that showed up.

21:56 Adam I got a bunch. I used to, you know, it's a horrible thing is when you're poor, like I always was, and I always worked sort of under the table swinging a hammer and stuff, always had bad credit or no credit. So the thing was, the thing was, is if you wanted a new car, there was none of that drive it on in, trade in the old one, drive out the new one. If you wanted a new car, you had to sell your car and then you had to figure out what you were going to do. But you needed the cash from your car in order to pay cash for the new car.

22:30 Drew You had to squeeze out every penny.

22:31 Adam And the new car, I mean, here's how it always worked. I'm driving a beat up piece of S, a Nissan standard bed pickup truck. I think I can get $1,750 for it and that's $1,700 by the way. I'm looking at some Toyota extra cab pickup that I think I can get around $3,200. I got $1,100 saved up. I got to sell this one. Then I got to borrow someone's car. I got to try to find the one I'm going to get and sell mine simultaneously or be out of transportation for as long as it... I had a guy, this guy, like I said, these Middle Eastern types, they all work the valley here. They work the used car lots. They call Wednesday night and they come in and they try to, ironically, they try to chew you down. Ironically, because no one hates the Jews more than these people, but that's the move they try to pull. I find it ironic. Anyway, and I say that in a loving way, you know, I love those people, all people. They're all my children. But the guy came over and he said, he said, who, who put this fender on? And I said, I had put the fender on, but I didn't want to tell him, as, you know, professional, he should have his hands cut off.

23:45 Drew He said that literally?

23:46 Adam He literally said he should have his hands, whoever put this fender on should have his hands cut off. And I already, I already said I didn't do it, but now I was getting defensive. Hands cut off is pretty harsh. Hands cut off. She should have her hands cut off. It was excellent. Yeah, but the best part was eventually the guy was driving me nuts. So eventually he said, what is the lowest you will pay, you will take for this car? And I said, what's the highest you'll pay for it? What is the lowest you will take? What's the highest you'll pay? I could not pay more than 1300. I said, all right, that's enough. See you later. What? What? I said, it's not that low. Yes, but what is it? It's not as low as your highest. And you just told me the highest, right? Yes, but what is your? It's not lower than your highest. Could you go higher than that? No, could not. Well, then we got nothing to talk about. How much? I'm not telling you. I told the guy, look, if it's one penny over the highest you can possibly go, then we can't do it because my lowest does not cross your highest. But how? But tell me.

24:55 I'm not. I can't.

24:57 Adam The guy went berserk. It was good times. That's another guy. Said he bought it. We had to go drive to the post office to talk because he was in the union over there and to talk to his loan officer, a big bull dyke lesbian at the credit office. I understand her kicked the tires for 20 minutes, drove home. He never ended up buying it. I had the car for another year. All right. Will Sasso here, everybody. Less than perfect. Tuesday nights, 930 ABC. Take a quick break. We'll be right back.

25:28 Every hour, two Americans under the age of 25 are infected with HIV. Protect yourself. Call toll free 1-866-344-KNOW.

25:45 Adam I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Will Sasso here tonight. Will is from Less Than Perfect, and of course, you know, from all those years, namely five stellar seasons with Mad TV. Less Than Perfect, 9.30 Tuesday nights, ABC. All right. Where are we? We're going to the phones?

26:05 Drew Please.

26:05 Adam Let's go to the phones. Will? Yeah?

26:08 Drew He wants you to talk her out of it.

26:09 Adam You ready to go to the phones?

26:11 Will Sasso Oh, I thought I thought there was someone named Will on the phone. I was going to shut up. I'm ready.

26:14 Adam Tony?

26:15 Will Sasso Yes?

26:16 Adam I'm going to start calling you Will.

26:18 Will Sasso What?

26:19 Adam See? This great radio.

26:21 Will Sasso Come again. Tony?

26:23 Adam Yes? Will? Ow.

26:25 Drew What?

26:26 Adam Drew? I'm going to start calling the caller Will, me and Drew.

26:32 Drew Yeah?

26:34 Adam Me.

26:36 Drew What?

26:36 Adam Drew? Tony?

26:39 Drew Yes.

26:39 Oh, yeah. I'm Will.

26:40 Adam What? Okay. What's up?

26:43 I kind of have two bloody questions. Is it safe to have unprotected sex with your girlfriend while she's on her period?

26:55 Adam Yeah.

26:56 Drew What do you mean safe?

26:58 Well, I mean, can blood get in your penis?

27:03 Drew Well, it can. If she had hepatitis or HIV, obviously your risk would be greater. And if you're worried about pregnancy, she can still get pregnant even though she's menstruating.

27:13 Will Sasso I think he's wondering if it's safe to his reputation since he just shared that on National Radio.

27:18 Adam Yeah, once word gets out.

27:20 Will Sasso Tony, what's your last one?

27:20 Adam I'll applaud. Sasso. What was that?

27:25 Will Sasso What?

27:26 Adam Alright, Tony.

27:26 Will Sasso Yes.

27:28 Adam Our phones keep cutting out tonight? Yes. Boy, it's going to be a lot of used car stories tonight.

27:35 Drew Anderson, we can't hear anything. We can't hear this guy at all. I have no idea if he's on or not.

27:39 Will Sasso That's a good times.

27:40 Drew Well, we can hear a thing.

27:40 We'll have him talk and I'll tell you what he says.

27:43 Will Sasso Alright.

27:44 Adam But again, don't call him the caller. Call him Will.

27:47 Will Sasso What? Go ahead.

27:50 Adam And Anderson. Yeah. I'm going to call you Us.

27:56 Will Sasso Us.

27:58 Adam Or them.

27:59 What do I call you?

28:00 Adam Call me. You're me.

28:13 Caller Hi.

28:13 Will Sasso Him.

28:13 Will said nothing yet.

28:16 Adam Will, Will the caller?

28:18 Will Sasso Will the caller said nothing to him.

28:20 Drew You have on hold.

28:21 Adam Oh. What about all the things Will said though?

28:25 Drew What had he said?

28:26 Will Sasso Hey Anderson.

28:27 Adam Yeah?

28:28 I'm putting them on.

28:29 Adam Okay, put them on.

28:30 Will's on. Go Will, you're on.

28:33 Adam Call Drew Mr. Sasso.

28:35 So Mr. Sasso and Mr. Anderson and Will.

28:38 Will Sasso What?

28:39 Adam You? You're Will.

28:40 I'm Will.

28:40 Will Sasso Yes.

28:41 Adam What's your question?

28:42 Okay, so I can't make any like diseases or anything like.

28:48 Drew No.

28:48 Will Sasso You can make, what diseases can you make?

28:50 You know when you like have anal sex, you can contract and make, I don't know.

28:56 Adam If you make during anal sex, that's considered a faux pas. I'm no hella wheeze, but I know if you make while you're getting corn hauled.

29:05 Faux-pou.

29:06 Adam That's a faux-pou. Yeah, that's considered, that's considered a poor form. I think they call it.

29:12 Poor form.

29:12 Adam Poor form. Okay, look, if she has a blood-borne disease, which is what I told you. Which is AIDS or hepatitis, then you got something. If not, well, then you don't. Yes?

29:22 Drew She is at higher risk during her period of getting sexually transmitted diseases which ascend in her genital tract.

29:27 Adam Oh, really?

29:28 Drew More of an open conduit there.

29:30 Adam Yeah.

29:31 Drew But not him.

29:32 Adam All right. All right.

29:34 Will Sasso I tire of Will. He has another bleeding question, though. He has an app.

29:37 Adam I didn't like him. Josh?

29:39 Hey, hey, what's going on, Adam? I'm the man.

29:42 Adam Yeah, you're a long-time fan of Will?

29:43 Oh, a long-time fan. I've watched mad TV ever since it started. Wow. Well, hey, Will, you there? Yeah. Hey, what's up? I was wondering, my long-term goal is to be a criminal investigator, but on the side, I like to do comedy. I like to do drama. I was wondering, what was the process to get to mad TV? What were the additions like?

30:03 Drew By the way, before CSI, there was not an 18-year-old on earth who said that is what they wanted to be. Right? They didn't even know what it was.

30:10 Will Sasso I wanted to be Crockett or Tubbs when I was young. I wanted to wear pink sport coats and roll them up to my elbows.

30:19 Adam Yeah, it is amazing how I wanted to be a $6 million man. All right. So how did you get started, Will?

30:27 Will Sasso How did I get started? It is a very boring story and you have heard it before. I just wanted to do this sort of thing and when I was young, I started crashing auditions and trying to hustle some sort of thing. Out here? No, back home. I am originally from Vancouver.

30:42 Adam You do a lot of good impressions. Were you doing them when you were a kid and just naturally do it?

30:48 Will Sasso No, not really. I kind of did a few, just me and my friends of other friends and a few people, but it wasn't something I concentrated on. Not even until my audition for MADtv, I didn't really.

31:01 Adam You like comedy, but doing De Niro wasn't your forte. Hey, Josh?

31:08 Yeah, hey, what's going on?

31:09 Adam So you want to do a criminal investigation.

31:12 Yeah, I want to be a criminal profiler because it's just been my ambition since I was younger, but I've always been the funny guy and kind of going back and forth between that. But yeah, I know it doesn't seem real, but I'm going to college this August. But I just I really want to like try out for comedy clubs and. Where are you going to school?

31:32 Adam Here's another profiling. Hey, where are you going to school?

31:36 Caller Portland State. I'm moving out west, so I'm out here in Virginia.

31:40 Will Sasso You know what's big right now is like the whole alternative comedy thing, right?

31:45 Adam Yeah.

31:45 Will Sasso It's not huge, like that new show Jackass.

31:48 Adam Oh, yeah.

31:48 Will Sasso You know, what's that other new show with the guy who puts poo on microphones?

31:54 Adam Oh, Tom Green. Yeah.

31:55 Will Sasso Yeah, that's just new. So what you should do is I would I would go to an amateur night and get up on stage and just explain to them what you're explaining to us right now. Really? I'm going to college and and don't try to make one joke.

32:07 Adam Don't tell any jokes.

32:08 Will Sasso And if I guarantee you, if you do that for 10 minutes, you'll have people laughing their asses off.

32:12 Adam And bring a notepad.

32:14 Will Sasso Go up there and read off it every 30 seconds.

32:16 Adam But no jokes or ideas on it. Actually, one of the things on the notepad should say read off notepad.

32:23 Will Sasso And then say that.

32:24 Adam Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

32:25 Will Sasso Yeah. But that's your closer.

32:26 Adam Actually.

32:28 Will Sasso Read off notepad.

32:30 Adam I love that criminal profiling. Like I love it. I love it. Like, like watch with it. Like when they do that child abduction, you know, they always know they know it's someone in the neighborhood. They know it. That's a white guy move, by the way, the child abduction. It's someone who knows the kid. It's someone who's within like a hundred yards of the house.

32:50 Will Sasso But it's always it's always blamed on a black guy for the first like week.

32:54 Adam Well, that's the white guy trying to get away with it.

32:56 Will Sasso Exactly.

32:57 Adam Black guy. Black guy. Snatcher. Put him in his Monte Carlo.

33:01 Will Sasso Right.

33:03 Adam The pot smoke was so thick with I could barely see him. He's wearing a big Panama hat, so I couldn't couldn't make him out. Yeah, that's they start with that. And then eventually turns out was the white dude who was sort of that. It's that friend of the family guy. Those are the abduction. Those are the abduction. No, I saw last night an HBO finally got it back was the autopsy show. Oh, that's my favorite show. You ever watch that?

33:24 Will Sasso No, I don't like that.

33:25 Adam Oh, that's good stuff. Now, they don't they're not actually cutting into bodies. It's just they're solving crimes via, you know, you know, it's just the part, you know, what it'll do though, to drive insane what half the stories come out of Canada, by the way, will stretch it off. And they do this thing that hockey thing. They do this thing where they'll do like they'll bring a guy in and they'll have some evidence on him. But they can't get any they can't get a DNA sample them because by Canadian law, he's not obliged to whatever. So then he goes out and kills a few other people and they got to follow him around for another four years. And then eventually they bust them and bring him in. I don't know if you guys got the ACLU up there or whatever sort of pussy organization you got. We got one out here that just they're they're sort of anti-establishment, but what it ends up is you can't really can't get anything done. Like look, if you bring a guy in for questioning and you want a little piece of his hair for a little DNA sample, a prick of blood, if you didn't do it, you should be you should be glad just to hawk a loogie or a drop a load in a zip in a zip lock bag. Like here, good.

34:30 Good.

34:30 Adam Stop bothering me.

34:31 Take it.

34:32 Adam Yeah, match it up against whatever the blood spatters you found on the headliner of the taxi that was out in the out in the more out out in the river. Find it. Yeah, go ahead. I'd be happy to drop a load if I was accused wrongly accused of something when I go in listen to a police department anyway, even if I'm just to be safe.

34:48 Drew That was sort of the plotline Mystic River. Oh, what? Yeah, because there was some blood found. He goes, yeah, fantastic. You can test it in this car where they thought somebody had been killed.

34:58 Adam I haven't seen it. Yeah, I don't know.

35:00 Drew He goes, he goes, really? Fabulous test. Let's go.

35:03 Adam Yeah, I don't. You know, anyway, this, the Canadian guide, and so they, so what they did is they, then they send, so they follow them around, you know, and they get police women to play hookers and go party with them and see if they can get a semen sample, which is, that's got to be a difficult conversation. Connie, come into my office. Yeah. First off, gonna need you to put this on. He's holding up some, you know, Lycra ski pants or something. Yeah. And whore yourself up real good, looking to get a semen sample from a suspected serial killer. Yeah. You game? You're good? Yeah. No, you can't. Can't bring a gun. We're gonna need you to party with him and some of his friends in the red roof across the street. Enjoy. So she goes and tries to do it. They don't get anything. But eventually the guy blows his nose and throws the Kleenex in a trash can and they got to go fish that thing out. Now listen, I don't know what we got to do to change some of this stuff. But look, if you think a guy did something, you should be able to pull a little lock of hair or something like that, right? Yes. It's all right. It's all right with everybody. It's just a slippery slope. Here's what I'm saying. Is this gonna happen, ACLU, homos? Someone comes in, he didn't do anything, we get a little prick of blood, we just decide to match it up as DNA evidence anyway, like give the guy the...

36:22 Drew No.

36:22 Adam That's...

36:23 Drew We're all out of control. Yes, yes, of course we would.

36:25 Adam Yeah, that's what we want to do.

36:28 Drew Trying to lock up innocent people. We're interested in that.

36:31 Adam Yeah, that's our thing. And if so, why not just bring the guy in and just shoot him?

36:35 Drew Yeah.

36:36 Adam Lily?

36:37 Caller Hi, how are you?

36:39 Adam What's happening, baby doll?

36:41 Caller I have a question for Dr. Drew about Oxycontin. I take 100 milligrams a day spread out through the day and it's been a year and a half, two years since I've been on this dose and they keep upping it every so often. I'm just wondering how much is too much?

37:00 Adam How many is she taking a day?

37:02 Caller 100 milligrams.

37:03 Drew Taking 30 milligrams three or four times a day.

37:06 Adam So it's taking three or four pills a day?

37:08 Drew That's still not a huge dose, Lily. It's really not.

37:11 Caller Well, I take like 40 at night.

37:15 Drew Yeah, yeah. I'm actually writing a book right now.

37:16 Adam 40 milligrams.

37:17 Drew About Oxycontin.

37:18 Adam Oh, no. Not another book. Not another book.

37:21 Drew This one is not such a labor of love as the other one was.

37:23 Adam Good.

37:23 Drew This one I won't be talking about quite as much.

37:25 Adam This is enough. This is enough.

37:27 Drew No, I'm not getting paid much for this one.

37:29 Adam Not true. That's a good paid one.

37:30 Drew So. So. But here's the deal. Yeah. Oxycontin is profoundly addictive and its long-term effects, however, do not harm your brain at all other than causing severe addiction.

37:41 Adam You say you're writing it with the Lilly people?

37:43 Drew No, no. With the Hazelton people.

37:44 Adam Oh, Hazelton. The Lilly drug manufacturer?

37:47 Drew But not this Lilly.

37:47 Adam Not Lilly. I'm going to call her Will.

37:50 Drew What? Oh, sorry.

37:52 Adam Us.

37:52 Drew All right.

37:53 Adam So, she's cool?

37:54 Drew I don't know. Were you ever a drug addict or alcoholic, Lilly?

37:57 Caller No.

37:58 Drew Did anybody in your family alcoholic?

38:00 Caller No.

38:00 Drew And what was the nature of your original injury?

38:03 Caller I injured my back six years ago and had a disectomy in 2000.

38:12 Drew Just be careful. If you really start having any life consequences from the substance use or the escalation of the dosage starts to get out of control, you definitely want to look into it.

38:23 Adam Let me say this. I'm going to just have a very quick rant here. I know we're running late on time, but we're just talking about the ACLU and not being able to get DNA samples and stuff. Another thing, another direction we're going in this horrible way is, I've been watching, there's this new drug that's coming out for like attention deficit disorder. They keep running the ads.

38:41 Will Sasso Oh, I love that ad with Mike Ditka.

38:43 Adam No, no.

38:43 Will Sasso That's the boner maker stuff. Oh, sorry.

38:48 Adam This is the attention deficit stuff and now the legal runners on these things, you know, some side effects may include nausea and vomiting and dryness of mouth, dizziness, blah, blah, blah. And I like this one too. They have one for the kids. If your child has a history of heart defects, you may want to discuss that with your doctors. Yeah, do you think that may have popped up in other conversations, a long history of heart defects, you have it, it just keeps going and goes like vaginal dryness and spotting and nausea and projectile vomiting. And it's like, really, just do the product and let them have it. And why don't you just end it with, hey man, have a good wrap with your doctor. You have to keep going and going and going with every possible negative side effects. Some are getting well into the teens, like 14, 16 deep.

39:37 Drew Have you ever looked at a package?

39:39 Adam I'm just sitting there. I'm trying to eat. I'm hearing about vaginal spotting.

39:43 Drew Those are legal documents. They aren't medical documents.

39:45 Adam I know. Just shut. I just want these people to shut up. I know these are the lawyers doing this. It's just stop everything, everything up. Look, you lawyer, get together with the publicist and just kill yourself. Would you please with some dignity? If they were Japanese, they would have killed themselves years ago. Just just a nice, quiet, dignified death. Just just fall on a goddamn sword with you people. Let us get on with our f***ing lives.

40:09 Will Sasso They should have their hands cut off. They should have their hands cut off.

40:12 Adam All right, we'll take a quick break. Will Sasso here, we'll be right back.

40:18 Loveline, we'll be right back.

40:40 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline and Adam. That's Dr. Drew, Will Sasso, here tonight from Less Than Perfect, Tuesday nights, 930 ABC. You know his stellar work from five seasons on Fox's MADtv. Drew is over at the computer now. He's got the Stratera. That's that new medication I keep seeing those commercials for on television. He's got the Stratera breakdown. They got the children's version and the adult version.

41:06 Drew That's right, and most adults in clinical trials who experience side effects, who were not bothered enough to stop taking Stratera. However, the most common side effects were constipation, dry mouth, nausea, decreased appetite, problems sleeping, sexual side effects, problems urinating, and menstrual cramps.

41:18 Adam Yeah, this is all while I'm eating. I'm just thinking, and each time they mention it, I feel whatever it is. Even though I don't have ovaries, I'm like, I have a little cramp, side effect, I clutch my side. What is it, Drew, but isn't there a children's version too? Because that's a whole different set of side effects.

41:37 Drew In short term clinical trials with children and adolescents, a modest decrease in appetite was the most common side effect. Some children may experience a loss of weight when starting the treatment of stratera. As with all ADHD medication, growth should be monitored during treatment. Stratera has not been tested in children under the age of six years. Rare allergic reactions such as swelling of the eyes, which can be serious, your child should stop taking stratera. Call your doctor or healthcare professional if your child develops any of these symptoms.

42:00 Adam No breakdown.

42:01 Drew Oh, here we go. Most common side effects are upset stomach, decreased appetite, nausea, vomiting, dizziness, tiredness, and mood swings.

42:06 Adam Consult your doctor if your child has a history of heart explosions. The one on TV tells you to talk to your doctor if your kid has heart problems. Like, yeah, all right. Done and done.

42:18 Drew No.

42:20 Adam Let's just get back to a simpler time. Here's all I'm saying. I would like to drink beer from the bottle at the ballpark and then the guy who stands up and throws the bottle gets dragged out of the ballpark and possibly gets his ass kicked. You mean. Meanwhile, I don't like beer out of foam. You know what I'm saying? That's all. I just want to get back to that time. I just want to have drug commercials where they don't have the disclaimer. You're interested in the drug. You go talk to your doctor.

42:47 Will Sasso You know, at Staples Center, you can you can put a cover on the beer that they give you and the lid fits just the same as the pop covers. Yeah. I've been to many a game where I've thrown my beer onto the court.

43:01 Adam Oh, really?

43:02 Will Sasso No, not that part, but I'm planning to.

43:04 Adam Yeah. I like, you know, I like I like when you can't bring the beer in certain places. So the smuggling starts in. I always like it. The movie theater. We've seen that late night day. You seem like song remains the same or something. And then some at the very top, you hear the bottle fall over and then that slow roll all the way down to the bottom. Jerry.

43:25 Yeah.

43:26 Adam You're 17.

43:27 Caller Yeah.

43:27 Adam What's up?

43:28 Caller I had a question for Will. By the way, I want to say hi. I recently started listening to your guys' show like a few weeks ago because I was like bored one night and I started listening to it. And the show is pretty funny. I like listening to a lot of the losers that call in and stuff.

43:44 Adam You have now joined their ranks.

43:46 Caller Yeah. And I had a question for Will Sasso.

43:48 Will Sasso Long time loser, first time caller.

43:50 Caller I had a question for Will Sasso. I watched Mad TV since the first start when Will Sasso was on there. I don't watch it anymore because he's off there now, but I watch the old episodes on Mad TV. I mean, I'm on Spike TV. Of the old Mad TV episodes. But I had a question for him. Is he going to be making any appearances in upcoming movies or imitating any of his characters in any movies like that? My favorite character of his was Kenny Rogers?

44:18 Will Sasso No. I don't think there's a call for that sort of thing. You and I are years ahead of everybody as far as comedy goes, man. And you know, I think it's about time for, you know, someone doing an impression of Kenny Rogers to hit the big screen. But I just don't see it happening. But you know, you putting that nugget in my brain may be all right. Something and.

44:35 Adam Well, I mean, the gambler's never been harder.

44:39 Drew I mean, it's the time to strike with all the poker stuff going on, making fun of the gambler.

44:44 Adam Yeah.

44:44 Will Sasso We're coming up on the 30th anniversary of Six Pack.

44:48 Adam Oh, my God, that's right.

44:49 Will Sasso The timing might be perfect.

44:51 Adam Jesus, I got to start getting the house ready. 30th anniversary of Six Pack. I mean, he's a he's Brewster Baker. He's a rag. He gets together like a rag tag bunch of scamps who are going to help him through his NASCAR Winston Cup season. It's just kids. It's like one kid.

45:11 Drew He's not stealing his bad news bears.

45:13 Will Sasso It's bad news bears for a boring sport and much more boring league. Right.

45:17 Adam The thing I always liked about Six Pack is there's always the one kid who was sort of the mechanical genius, even though he was seven, he was like, I rejetted your Holley 450 double bumper and stole the intake manifold off the small black Chevy. It's like, you're seven. This is like, you know, it's like I was talking to someone this morning about I like the sitcom that has a super precocious five year old black kid who's hell bent on setting his single father up with his new hot substitute teacher. You know, it's like, Drew, you have kids at age five, worried about you getting laid?

45:56 Will Sasso They should just have a, they should have like a, you know, like a big, you know, the big gay writer, gay white writer in his forties or fifties and in all black with marionette strings on that boy while he's doing his lines just to show you exactly where it's coming from.

46:11 Adam Dad, I want to get you some, mmm papa, mmm papa, you know, it's like-

46:15 Will Sasso And actually do the cabbage patch?

46:16 Adam Yeah, yeah.

46:16 Will Sasso Like all little black kids do?

46:18 Adam Do the cabbage patch. I was like, they get the, like the hot, the hot substitute teacher comes back and says, well, I'm here to, I'm here to tutor little TJ's. Well, he doesn't have any problem. And then he's laughing off in the corner. You two get together. Like, kids don't want to get their dads laid. They don't want to, you know what they want? They want, they want like hard candy.

46:37 Drew Ice cream, yeah.

46:38 Adam And they want ice cream and they want to play game box. Or Xbox. They're not interested in anything. Their parents could die if they could play one more game of Xbox.

46:46 Drew Yeah.

46:47 Adam Will Sasso here. We'll take one more quick break and we'll be right back.

46:53 Drew Here's the deal.

46:55 Caller Sick of wasting time with the wrong person.

46:57 One call is all you need to make. Call the Dateline.

46:59 Adam The Dateline.

46:59 Caller 877-889-DATE.

47:26 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline, I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1, Will Sasso here tonight.

47:37 Drew I miss Politically Incorrect.

47:39 Adam Yeah, I do, too. I used to be able to get on TV that way.

47:43 Drew But it was fun, it was good.

47:46 Adam Tuesday's 9.30 on ABC. Yeah, I was talking to Bill Maher, not too long ago, it's Sarah Silverman's birthday a few months back. It was a weird thing because we were just talking. Actually, we may have smoked some pot.

48:02 Drew With him? Well, you can't talk about that.

48:04 No, I can't.

48:06 Adam I can't talk about that. Yeah, no, yeah. Anyway.

48:09 Drew Did you just sit there and laugh?

48:10 Adam Yeah, he, anyway, started talking. You know, he's like, I did Politically Incorrect like 20 times in like two years. And he was like, yeah, we'd love to have you on the news show, but you know, the executives. It was like some weird sort of network thing. And I think I couldn't really make any sense of it. I was like, does he not want me on whatever he's got showing HBO?

48:29 Drew You know, the only words are some sort of they're only doing like 13 episodes at a time.

48:33 Adam I know, but they have the same crappy guest every every week.

48:36 Drew Yeah.

48:37 Adam I don't care. Anyway, you know, for me, less is more.

48:41 Drew Oh, yeah. I know about you.

48:42 Adam Yeah. Will Sasso here, who's has to do asleep. Yeah. Then more is more.

48:48 Drew More is more. And masturbation.

48:49 Adam And Will Astani. What? Yeah. All right. Now, where were we? What was I talking about? Oh, Will, how about a little Kenny Rogers?

48:58 Drew We were like imitations.

49:01 Adam 30th anniversary. How about my angry Arab guy who wants wants to get my car?

49:07 Will Sasso You should have your hands cut off. Oh, geez.

49:12 Adam No, because really, the six pack. I would say six packs. Twenty fifth anniversary is right around the corner.

49:18 Drew It was probably other imitations you like doing.

49:22 Will Sasso You know what? I never know that I don't enjoy doing them. Like I don't do stand up and tour and do impressions and stuff. So so there's no need for me to ever do another impression ever again.

49:34 Drew You just use it for the skit.

49:35 Will Sasso I mean, I feel like, you know, it was fun. It was funny. We got the create the illusion. You got the writing behind it. You got the hair and the makeup and the wardrobe and the set. I just don't know what sketches.

49:44 Adam I don't know what I can't. I just only reason I want you to do Kenny Rogers is I can't think what he sounds like.

49:50 Will Sasso Well, on MAD TV, I did a wacky Kenny Rogers.

49:53 Adam Right.

49:54 Will Sasso Didn't sound anything or look anything like Kenny Rogers. Oh, sort of as close to, you know, abstract comedy. Now, it was just me getting bored, really. I would just have wacky hair.

50:04 Adam And it was like when Chevy Chase used to be the president.

50:07 Will Sasso Right. And you'd look or Dan Aykroyd was Jimmy Carter, but he had like a mustache and brown hair. I was like, that's not.

50:13 Adam I was like, when the guy goes in drag and keeps the mustache. You know, I don't know why I was just thinking about this from Saturday Night Live and will hopefully back me up here. But Norm MacDonald, who's, you know, alcoholic, has gambling problems, but a great guy. Well, actually, not a great guy, but you just love him. Everyone loves him. One failed sitcom after the next. But funny guy. Saw him at the poker championship the other week and nice talk with him. But, you know, he he used to do a funny thing. I was is he gets me like people mistake him with me or me with him. But he gets me and I get Gilbert Godfrey.

50:53 Right.

50:54 Adam You know, I mean, that's the pecking horse. Norm MacDonald, Adam Carolla, Gilbert Godfrey. He doesn't he doesn't slide down to Gilbert.

51:00 Right.

51:00 Right. Right.

51:00 Adam Point is, is he used to do old Burt Reynolds. Right. Smoking the bandit kind of Burt Reynolds. Just chewing the gum, wearing the tight, shiny jeans and the cowboy hat. It was always funny.

51:12 Will Sasso Yeah.

51:12 Adam I even know why it was funny. I didn't even really sound like him or anything. You just chew gum in a real cocky way and sort of preen in his tight wranglers.

51:20 Will Sasso I always want to do impressions of characters that were just so out of the news. No reason to bring them up ever again. Like, that's why, you know, like Kenny Rogers thing came up because writer Blink Patch wrote a really funny sketch and we did it. And it was this dead on sort of this is what Kenny Rogers restaurant is like. And, you know, and I'm trying to sound like him. And as it evolved, we had a good time making it silly. From there, I was like, I want to be I want to be people that were out of the news at the time.

51:46 Adam Right.

51:46 Will Sasso Like Ozzy Osbourne. Like no one everybody had forgotten Ozzy at the time. Yeah.

51:52 Adam And now now he's back in.

51:54 Will Sasso But I would do like Elvis. But just my own kind of stupid, you know. But they just put it on quarter to midnight. And, you know, let me get away with these dumbass.

52:03 Adam Drew, you don't you don't do anybody.

52:05 Drew No, I admire people who can do impressions.

52:07 Adam I do, too. I think it's God given ability mainly. All right. Let's talk to your Russian, Adam.

52:15 Will Sasso Hello. Oh, yeah.

52:16 Adam Well, I do have Tim, the Russian rapper, Heather.

52:19 Yes.

52:20 Adam Not really celebrity. Go ahead, Heather. What's up, baby doll?

52:25 Well, I have a question.

52:26 It's kind of actually have a couple of quick questions. So I'm trying to prove my fiance wrong. He thinks that if you have the mumps when you're little, that it can make you sterile.

52:35 Drew It can, but it doesn't routinely.

52:38 Okay. Because he said he had it when he was younger and that something about when you stand up, it can go to your testicles and make you sterile.

52:44 Drew Oh, please.

52:45 That's what I said. I thought he was retarded.

52:48 Drew But there is some cross-inflammatory.

52:50 Adam Who's retarded? You got a fiance who's retarded.

52:53 Yeah, basically.

52:54 Yeah, I know.

52:55 Adam You're the idiot who's marrying the idiot.

52:57 She's going to mold him.

52:58 I'm going to mold him over time.

53:00 Drew Oh, boy.

53:01 That is always a bad plan, Heather.

53:05 Drew Always. What does he do for a living? Oh, I don't know.

53:08 Right now, he's just working some odd jobs to save up money because he has a degree in masonry.

53:13 Drew A degree in masonry?

53:17 A certification. He did go to school and get a certification. And then we're going to move. I'm in Cleveland. So we're going to move out southwest once he saves up money and gets the tools and we get married and everything out here.

53:26 Drew It's a good thing to come and go down where there's earthquakes with a masonry background.

53:30 Adam You can do a lot of repointing work. Listen, as a mason, all you need is like a tuck trowel and a hawk.

53:38 Well, see, that's what I figure. He's telling me he needs a lot of tools.

53:41 Adam Well, I mean, if he wants to buy a wet saw and a mixer and stuff, that's one thing. But all you need is a couple. You know, the little thing about masonry, you know, it's amazing, I have an opinion on masonry, Drew, but the tools are about the same as the Egyptians used, you know? It's just pretty much, it's just trowels and, you know, mortar and notch trowel and hawk. That's a great name for a tool. Hawk is that flat pallet thing with the handle in the middle that they put the stuff on and they just spread it on with that notch trowel. But that's all he needs is 30 bucks worth of tools to get to work. A couple of trowels and, you know, maybe a four foot level near work. You're 80 bucks worth of junk. You're working. I don't understand what the deal is. But listen, he better not bring his ass out to California. Let me explain. We got something called. Yeah, we got Mexicans out here. We don't need your masons. We got people that got like they got lime and silica sand in their blood. These people. Ten bucks an hour. The stucco, the stucco of the entire house. Build your brick barbecue.

54:49 Drew Really?

54:50 Adam We got the Mexicans who crap out a brick barbecue.

54:53 Drew Really?

54:53 Adam Yeah, like a cartoon. I'm not kidding. We don't.

54:59 Drew You just had a stucco down in your house, right?

55:02 Adam Don't bring your your masonry slinging ass out to California. You're not going to find work. Or if you're going to work, you'd be working at ten, twelve bucks an hour. We got real. We got we got guys. We got it's in their blood. And that's not a put down against my Mexican brothers.

55:18 Drew That's what these people do.

55:20 Adam They do it better. The different groups have their different things that the Middle Eastern guys do all the stonework. They do all the slabs, all the granite, all that stuff that, you know, it's in their blood.

55:30 Will Sasso They know how to cut hands off.

55:31 Adam They cut hands off and they can also cut marble slabs real well. That's their thing.

55:36 Drew It had the the psycho turn out.

55:38 Adam Now it's not just put the laugh on. Haven't started slinging it yet. But thanks for asking, Drew. What? What's she doing? Yeah, she's fine. Want to talk to Lena? All right. Lena?

55:53 Hello there.

55:54 Adam You're 17? What's up?

56:04 Caller My best friend kissed my girlfriend and my girlfriend kissed back.

56:11 Adam It's tough when you're 17 and everything's a tragedy because everything's about you.

56:17 Caller I mean, like, there's a whole weird thing that happened earlier last year. My girlfriend got raped by another girl at this party. She claimed that she was drunk. My girlfriend doesn't get drunk. It's impossible. And she slipped something in her drink and raped her.

56:35 Will Sasso A girl and another girl?

56:38 Adam Girl on girl, right. Hold on, Will's got to beat off. All right, he's done.

56:44 Caller There he goes.

56:48 Will Sasso You can keep that load too because I didn't kill anybody.

56:51 Adam He's a busy man. We'll put it on file, Will.

56:53 Will Sasso Fine, go right ahead. I'm happy.

56:55 Adam We're going to do it. No, we'll do that.

56:56 Will Sasso I'm going to leave some.

56:57 Adam It'll be Sasso Will though.

56:59 Will Sasso What?

56:59 Adam We go last names first.

57:02 Will Sasso What?

57:03 Adam All right, so look, what's wrong with you, Lena? What did your dad do? Who abused you?

57:09 Caller What happened?

57:11 Adam Something horrible happened to you. Why are you so angry? That's abuse.

57:18 Caller What? I've been drinking since I was eight. That's the only thing that, like...

57:23 Adam You know what they call that in Russia? A late bloomer.

57:26 Drew Well, in my world, if somebody, when a patient comes into treatment and they've been using since they were 12 or under, that's also a sign of abuse.

57:34 Caller Sounds like chaos. Well, like, I wasn't, I mean, I'm not an alcoholic. I mean, I can definitely hold my alcohol. I don't get drunk, either one of us get drunk.

57:42 Adam When did you come over here from Russia?

57:45 Caller Back and forth from infancy.

57:47 Drew From why we went back?

57:50 Caller I'm a resident.

57:52 Drew Why up and back?

57:53 Caller Because, like, my grandmother and her family is over there. I mean, if I had called, like, two months ago, because we go there every Christmas, if I had called two months ago, I would have had a full vaccine.

58:03 Caller Where do you go?

58:04 Caller I go in and out of vaccines.

58:06 Drew Where? Where do you go?

58:09 Will Sasso Do your friends in Moscow think you're like the Madonna of Moscow because you live here and you got this cool new American accent? No. They don't think it's a... I always wonder what that would be, like that reverse pompous accent thing. No, you speak it well. That's what I'm saying. No, I'm saying... You'll have a friend who goes to Australia for a week.

58:30 Adam Yeah.

58:30 Will Sasso And he comes back and he's got a different work for everything.

58:33 Adam It's like, hey, yeah. All right, baby doll. Well, wait a minute. Now, hold on a second.

58:39 Caller Uh-huh.

58:40 Adam You're a lesbian?

58:42 Caller I've been with my girlfriend for five years.

58:45 Adam And is she Russian?

58:47 Caller No.

58:47 Caller She's Irish and Italian.

58:50 Will Sasso Are you in a... Are you one half of a singing group, perhaps?

58:54 No.

58:55 Caller From Russia?

58:55 I know where you...

58:56 Caller No, but see, the thing is, they call us at school because we go to... Oddly enough, we go to a Catholic school.

59:02 Will Sasso Oh, where you wear uniforms. Where they may or may not shoot music videos.

59:06 Adam Hold on, Will's got to go again. Second sample.

59:11 Caller No, they call us Tattoo because I have long, bright hair, she has short, black hair, and oddly enough, I was just watching MADtv when they were on there. Tattoo was on MADtv, so...

59:22 Adam Very small world.

59:23 Will Sasso That's three degrees of boredom right there.

59:26 Adam All right, Lena.

59:27 Drew Lena, but you... Yeah, you've been around a lot of chaos in your life, right?

59:30 Adam I've got to get some therapy.

59:34 Will Sasso That's a brilliant musician you're talking to.

59:36 Drew Well, I know. I want to find out what the question was.

59:40 Adam Her best friend's hooked up with her girlfriend, and her girlfriend got drugged...

59:44 Drew But she's been with her girlfriend since she was 12.

59:48 Will Sasso You're not supposed to decide that you're a lesbian until you're like...

59:50 Drew No, you don't declare...

59:53 Adam It's a... In Russia, they have a term for it. It's called cluster F. Lena, listen. Here's what we do in the United States. We get therapy for these things. I know in Russia, you guys just crawl up inside of a bottle of Smirnoff and hope the world goes away. We work our problems out here.

1:00:13 Caller No, I know that.

1:00:16 Caller Last year was extremely tough because her parents... It wouldn't be so tough if she kissed her, but she lives with me. My girlfriend lives with me because...

1:00:25 Drew Why does she... This is getting weird and weird all of a sudden.

1:00:27 Adam It's the Russian.

1:00:29 They're like, she's losing her age, she's destitute.

1:00:32 Caller When our parents found out about us, it wasn't in a good way. Her parents kicked her out.

1:00:39 Will Sasso In the usual good way when you find out your 17-year-old daughter.

1:00:43 Caller My mother was nice enough to let her stay here with us. And so she's been living with us since March of last year.

1:00:50 Drew All right, but your girlfriend comes from total hell.

1:00:53 Adam She comes from as much, if not more, chaos than Lena does.

1:00:57 Drew And so this business about being drugged and all that, that's all BF.

1:01:00 Adam Yes.

1:01:00 Caller No, I swear, it's true.

1:01:02 Adam Yeah, it's all great.

1:01:03 Will Sasso You just need to write a song about it, write another hit song.

1:01:07 Adam Here's the deal. These two can't have kids and thank Christ for that.

1:01:10 Drew Yeah, that's a good thing.

1:01:11 Adam Let them just, you know what? Let them just go, they just form a yin-yang thing and they can eat each other and then poof and they'll both be gone.

1:01:23 Will Sasso Can I have another minute alone? Do you mind? Yeah.

1:01:26 Drew He might actually consume each other so they would just vanish.

1:01:28 Adam They just vanish.

1:01:30 Drew It'd be some sort of a yellow submarine reference.

1:01:34 Will Sasso Now I really lost it. That'll be that.

1:01:35 Adam Yeah, like in the cartoon when the dog starts eating its own tail and eventually just turns in on itself. Okay, you got to get some therapy, stop boozing and there's going to be nothing but chaos with this lesbian girlfriend.

1:01:48 Drew Strangely enough, yeah, Lena does not sound as crazy as the situation.

1:01:51 Adam Not as she could be.

1:01:52 Drew Yeah, and the girlfriend is really the source of the craziness, I suspect.

1:01:55 Adam And let me just say something really quickly about Russia and all you posseeds out here that were always like, oh, Reagan called them an evil empire, and communism and all this. Yeah, it's really worked out. It's beautiful. It's worked out great over there, hasn't it? We can't judge, can we? No, it's worked the communism. I think it's still going good, isn't it? I think history has been very kind to kind. It's a great idea. Perfect idea.

1:02:25 Drew Well, it just wasn't executed properly. It's because of the United States. The United States ruined it for them. If we had been nicer to Cuba, they wouldn't have to spend all their resources protecting Cuba.

1:02:34 Adam Listen, you tards. You pussies. Just have the guts to go move over there with your beloved Ruskies. Go over there. Wait in line for two days, get a piece of stale bread. Enjoy. Everything's black market. Enjoy. Place a dump. It doesn't work at all. Nothing works over there. Of course, communism doesn't work. It never did. Yeah, it's great. It's going along strong. I swear, I think my grandmother was a communist for a while. Yeah, they just like, here's the thing. There is a certain element of American citizen who just has to glorify everything that's not American. It's like, it's got to be better. They're Russian. They're communist. It's got to be better than what we have here.

1:03:17 Caller Utopia. It's utopia.

1:03:18 Adam Yeah, it really worked out. Here's all I want. Just apologize. Admit you're wrong. Admit you're wrong and also admit we don't have to listen to you next time you pipe up because you're idiots.

1:03:28 Drew That's why they want to apologize.

1:03:30 Adam I know. All right. I'm fired up now.

1:03:32 Caller I just had that whole rush.

1:03:34 Adam You know, look, look, I don't like the military and all this stuff, but look, Reagan did the right thing. He just built up the military and just squashed them and they're done with over there. Now they all want to come over here. Tori?

1:03:46 Hi.

1:03:46 Adam Yeah. And they were evil. Call people certain cultures evil. There's a bad culture over there.

1:03:56 I've been on Wexpo for about a year now and like I know you're not, it's only like 10 milligrams a day, but you know, I know you're not supposed to mix antidepressants with alcohol, but like what happens? Like I've always been told, don't do it, but like I don't know. Like what does it do?

1:04:13 Drew It's somewhat unpredictable. Like what does it do? For most people, it's just excessive sedation. It can affect the way the lexapros metabolize.

1:04:28 Adam But we always worry about liver when it comes to the antidepressants and the drinking. Really?

1:04:32 Drew But I can't hear you. It's not that exciting an answer.

1:04:35 Adam Here's the problem. Drew's actually one of these doctors. He'll just sort of tell you what the real deal is. And it's probably not a huge deal. But on the other hand, I mean, stop me if I'm wrong. But doctors don't have any degrees. It's either, look, don't do this. That's the whole thing we always talk about with the cigarettes. But look, if you smoke one cigarette a week, you're a smoker. I don't care if you smoke a carton a day or one a week. You smoke.

1:05:02 Drew A lot of it.

1:05:03 Adam Really? No difference between the one a day and the carton a day? No. You're a smoker.

1:05:07 Drew A lot of it is liability stuff again.

1:05:10 Adam And they're just used to it, and they think you're lying.

1:05:13 Drew Who does?

1:05:14 Adam When you say to the doctor, well, you know, so once in a while I take my men and I have a cocktail, but once in a while, no, no. Like, you tell the doctor, I smoke a couple cigarettes a day. They don't believe you. They just say it. Right.

1:05:26 Drew Well, justifiably.

1:05:28 Adam Yeah, they don't listen. You're either on or you're off with stuff.

1:05:32 Drew But, I spent the day in the emergency room today, as I said, my daughter had a concussion. They sent me a sheet home. And, I just talked to a friend of mine about it. He saw her for me and said, don't worry about anything. The sheet's like, this can happen, that can happen, check every five minutes, check people.

1:05:46 Adam Oh, you must have been going nuts.

1:05:47 Drew Yeah, I thought, what? But, then I thought, you know what? They have to do this just in case something truly bizarre happens. They have to cover themselves.

1:05:55 Adam What about the part where when you get a concussion, you're not supposed to go to bed?

1:05:58 Drew That's to monitor the person. That's a way you monitor them so that you can see things aren't waxing and waning. Right. My wife got confused about this issue. We can't let her go to sleep. Something will happen. It's like no, it's not the sleeping that makes something happen. It's that you lose the opportunity to monitor what's going on.

1:06:13 Adam You couldn't tell if they were going in and out of consciousness or anything like that if they were just lying there.

1:06:18 Drew Precisely.

1:06:18 Adam How they could stop breathing when not. Sorry.

1:06:21 Drew I'm going home.

1:06:22 Adam Okay.

1:06:22 Drew Right now.

1:06:23 Adam Tori. You're already depressed, yes?

1:06:27 Drew That is the big thing.

1:06:28 Adam That's good enough.

1:06:29 Drew You're 16 and you're 16. You're starting to use alcohol.

1:06:31 Adam You guys start sprinkling in the booze?

1:06:33 Drew Yeah.

1:06:33 That's a bad sign. No. I've been on it for a year and a half. Everything is good. They're just waiting to take me out of it for school to be done because, for the summer just in case I were to relapse back into it, I wouldn't want to screw up school.

1:06:48 Adam What? Does she have depression? Does she have depression?

1:06:50 Yeah. I did. I do, I guess. I've had people, I've had friends who've been on other antidepressants with a higher dosage and they've said that it just like doubles everything that they drink or whatever.

1:07:07 Adam Don't drink. Just shut up and stop drinking. You're 16 for Christ's sake. That's legally supposed to drink for another five years.

1:07:15 Caller That's right.

1:07:17 Adam I know it's like, look, you're depressed, you're on medication, you're 60, you're well below the drinking age. How about not drinking? Well, it's just that my friends, just don't drink. It's all right. I wasn't an alcoholic until I was like 30. I pushed it off. I was smart. Yes, Will? And listen, should women be taking any pills at all other than birth control? Like, don't you think we could just work them with sugar pills? They're so suggestible.

1:07:43 Drew No.

1:07:43 Adam You know what I mean? We could be giving Tori just, you know what I'm going to do? I started a drug company. It's the three period sugar pills in the birth control package. Just start popping those out and labeling them. What do you got, honey? You got a headache? Here you go. What do you got? You got cramping? Here you go. What? You're depressed? Here's some of this. Allergies? Seasonal? Seasonal? Okay. Here you go. It would work on women. It's the thing that control the vagina with the mind that can control anything. The world. Control the world. I mean, everything is the orgasm is all in the brain. You could control the depression. I know it wouldn't work for a guy. Guy give a pill. It's like, I don't feel anything. No buzz at all. This sucks. I want my eight dollars back. Give me more. Yeah. Give me more. Yeah. Right. I'm going to need a Mickey's because something's got to kick this thing off. But chicks are like, you can just give them half an aspirin and tell them it's acid. They're like, oh, man, I'm seeing colors. You can do it. We shouldn't be giving women any pills, just the sugar pills from the birth control packet. That's my new plan, Drew, but we won't tell them.

1:08:44 Drew It won't work if you tell them.

1:08:46 Adam It won't work if we tell them. All right. As a matter of fact, when I hand them the pill, I'm going to go, this is not, I repeat, this is not the sugar pill from the birth control packet, OK? Or maybe that's hitting it too hard. I won't hit it that hard.

1:08:59 Drew Don't sell it too hard.

1:09:00 Adam Don't sell it too hard.

1:09:01 Drew Sell the LSD.

1:09:02 Adam That's right. Yeah. And you know what I'm going to do? Only half a one for you, baby, because you're lightweight. You're going to go, you're going to freak. You're going to think you can fly. Give me half a sugar pill. Will Sasso is here tonight from Less Than Perfect, 930, Tuesday Nights, ABC. We'll take a quick break and we'll be right back.

1:09:24 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:09:33 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-O-V-E-1-9-1. Will Sasso is here tonight. What? Will is from Less Than Perfect, Tuesday nights, 930 on ABC. All right. Where are we? Let's go to Desiree on line six. Desiree?

1:09:57 Caller Why do you think he was black?

1:09:58 Adam Who?

1:09:59 Caller I don't know.

1:10:00 Adam Who are you talking to?

1:10:01 Caller Black comment?

1:10:03 Adam Who are you talking to? Who are you talking to?

1:10:10 Drew Yes, we're talking to you. Who are you talking to?

1:10:15 Adam Hello?

1:10:16 Caller Sorry, I don't know what the hell is going on with my phone.

1:10:20 Adam What were you saying? What makes you think he was black?

1:10:24 Caller That was my friend chiming in because she's dumb. But anyways, I'm sorry.

1:10:29 Adam All right. Well, what's happening?

1:10:32 Caller My friend, she actually hooked me up with this guy because I'm 19 and I've never dated. So she wanted to get me into the social scene, so I would date. So the thing is, she hooked me up with this guy. He was nice the first week. Then things started getting weird. He knew I was a virgin and he knew I never dated. Then all of a sudden he started getting really perverted. He basically boiled down to him being like, I want to have sex with you, but in not such nice terms. I'm like, you know what, maybe this guy isn't the best person for me. So we've been going out for a month. I was over his place tonight. Then all of a sudden he's getting hella perverted with me. He's like, you know what, I don't want a relationship unless we can have sex.

1:11:15 Adam People are still saying hella, by the way. Hella perverted sounds like a horrible contractor. It's like they're putting a bid in on some road building in Iraq or something. He's an executive from hella perverted. Kickback allegations.

1:11:33 Drew Big engineering company.

1:11:34 Adam Huge engineering firm. Yeah, so he's getting hella perverted.

1:11:39 Caller He's getting really gross with me.

1:11:44 Adam Well, give us an example. Hold on. Give us an example of his hella perversion.

1:11:49 Caller Am I allowed to say stuff like that?

1:11:53 Adam Well, use your own. Yeah, but very poor judgment. But I mean, try to stay away from the F word.

1:12:00 Caller Okay, well, what about?

1:12:03 Caller Well, this word isn't exactly the F word, but it's kind of not better than that. But basically what it boils down to is he keeps telling me that he wants to get inside my walls. But he uses other words than that.

1:12:15 Will Sasso All right, Adam, can I have a minute?

1:12:17 Adam Yeah, Will's going to need a second. Third sample.

1:12:22 Drew Wait, that was Adam's.

1:12:23 Adam Oh, wait a minute, that was me?

1:12:24 Drew You guys are mixing samples here.

1:12:27 Adam We don't want to pollute the samples there.

1:12:31 Will Sasso The crime lab people can figure it out.

1:12:33 Adam Hey, Desiree, maybe you should hella dump it.

1:12:38 Caller Maybe I should.

1:12:40 Drew Hang on. Are you surprised that the guy would want to have sex with you?

1:12:44 Adam Yeah, I mean, Drew, Drew is a man of passion.

1:12:47 Caller Well, no, not that. I just thought, like, I thought he would be willing maybe to wait. Like, you know my situation. He knew that I never dated. He knew I never had sex.

1:12:56 Caller You know, and...

1:12:57 Will Sasso How long?

1:12:59 Adam Yes, how long?

1:13:00 Caller How long what?

1:13:02 Will Sasso Did you want to wait?

1:13:03 Caller Did I want to wait? I wanted at least to wait until, like, for sure I was in love with somebody. I didn't want to do it with just some random person.

1:13:10 Will Sasso How long does that take?

1:13:12 Adam Come on, baby, we don't got all night.

1:13:14 Caller Okay, well, I don't know, maybe six months. Is that too much to ask?

1:13:19 Drew No, it's not too much.

1:13:20 Adam That's ten lifetimes to a C-list celebrity like me.

1:13:23 Drew It's not too much to ask. However, these guys, either way, they're going to... if one of them sweats it out and weights it out, he's still going to leave you right afterwards.

1:13:31 Adam Oh, really?

1:13:32 Drew You know what I mean?

1:13:33 Adam Oh, Drew, very bleak outlook.

1:13:35 Drew Well, if you're going out with guys like this, right? This guy's just...

1:13:38 Adam Okay.

1:13:38 Will Sasso Maybe he's not getting it.

1:13:39 Adam What's the furthest you've gotten?

1:13:41 Drew That's what he's doing.

1:13:41 Adam What's the furthest you've gotten with this guy?

1:13:45 Caller Well, like he's felt me up and that's about it.

1:13:49 Adam Okay. How old is he?

1:13:51 Caller He's 23.

1:13:53 Adam All right. 23. Here's the thing. You're going to have to find yourself an 18-year-old if you don't want a guy chomping at your bit. Right. You know, you're dating a 23-year-old and it's been a month and he's grabbed half a boob. He's going to need a little bit more. Man cannot live off of bra grabbing alone.

1:14:15 Will Sasso I think a 23-year-old that's waited a month will probably stick around a little longer if he's... is he hella pathetic?

1:14:22 Drew That's what I think he is.

1:14:24 Caller I would say he's pretty pathetic.

1:14:28 Drew Don't hang out with this guy.

1:14:28 Adam You're not interested in him.

1:14:30 Drew You don't like him.

1:14:32 Caller Don't do it.

1:14:33 Adam Guys at 23 or 19, guys are so stupid. You know, it's so... I mean, Drew, Will, yes, think about Adam. I mean, me.

1:14:42 Caller What?

1:14:43 Adam Think about what you got in your mind now, your arsenal now, I mean, what you could do if you wanted to use your mind for evil and getting in young chicks' pants. I mean, if you could take what you know, your collective knowledge and move it back to a 19, 20 year old Drew or Will. The stuff you tell them, hey baby, I wrote you a poem. You know what I mean? I mean, just the just the just the nonsense you could weeding in front of her will. I mean, the stuff you could do, you know, flowers and the picnics. Yeah. And then not just the saccharine sweet stuff, but the cool stuff, too, where it's like, Drew, why can't you let me in? I can't let anyone in, man. I mean, if you just gave yourself full license to just lie and BS and do all this stuff, you could cook up something. I mean, it'd just be huge, huge. You get into everyone's pants immediately. First date just come just come springing open to it. Just pop like everyone's, you know, you know, you know, when you're driving a car and you pull in the gas station, you pop the gas, the gasoline has to be this pop. That just they're underpants. You just pull it. You just pull that little trigger, pop, pop right open underpants, doing like a garage store. OK, well, one more time, if it just be as guys, I want to get in your walls, you know, like pawing and grabbing talent. And by the way, saying what they're thinking, that's your first mistake as a guy. Don't be saying it's like it's like a criminal going, I'm going to steal from you. I'm going to rob you by I'm going to trick you and steal your money. And no, no, no, no, you're supposed to be saying, yeah, let me just go in and borrow the phone. I got to make a phone call. Can I come in? My car broke down. Yeah, you're not going. Could I come in and beat you with the with the fire poker? No, it's like I got to use the phone. The guys are stupid. I could get inside your pan. You got to you got to be ask guys. You're the most beautiful I've ever seen. I you know, you tell a chick like, like, here's what you tell a chick like this. Hey, baby, I don't want to ruin it by going too fast either. As long as it takes. I'm there.

1:16:54 Will Sasso Cut to.

1:16:56 Adam Yeah, you know, the point is, is that's going to get her. That's going to get her legs wet.

1:17:01 Drew Well, you're get dehydrated here.

1:17:04 Adam Well, get some gets a lot of water and get some sports drink and watermelon. Get those electrolytes.

1:17:09 Will Sasso Oh, are these free? Can I have one of these?

1:17:10 Adam Yeah. Yeah. Get that in you. You know, I'm saying like, like Drew, if you were trying to get in with the virgins, wouldn't that be it? Like, hey, baby, you're virgin. I think that's great. I'm a virgin, too, as long as it takes, as long as you want to wait. It's not about the sex for me. It's about you. It's about the relationship. That would get you in. Let me get them panties.

1:17:31 Caller Come on.

1:17:32 Will Sasso How about like a young, like you were describing earlier, like a young black kid who's like seven and explains this to white 19 year old boys?

1:17:42 Caller Yeah.

1:17:43 Adam Yeah.

1:17:43 Caller Yeah.

1:17:46 Adam It's like a sort of black Cyrano de Bergerac, which is like, he cannot produce semen yet.

1:17:53 Will Sasso Right.

1:17:54 Adam But he's a smooth talker.

1:17:56 Will Sasso And a whiz with mechanics.

1:17:58 Adam He's a whiz with mechanics in the ladies. And he's silky smooth. And he's a precocious, smooth, sexual seven year old boy who's going to get all the goofy white 22 year old roommates laid. But of course, charges him.

1:18:13 Will Sasso Charges him and he's like the dorm manager or whatever that would be called in college because he's super intelligent. Was Kenny Rogers.

1:18:23 Adam Yes, a resident.

1:18:23 Will Sasso He was in Kenny Rogers.

1:18:25 Drew Here's the deal. I hope the young women are listening to Adam's little tie right here because when you hear stuff like that from guys, that's what's going on in their head. So you shouldn't be, you may wish that they would talk like that, but if a 22 year old starts talking like that, be scared. Be afraid.

1:18:41 Adam Be very afraid.

1:18:42 Drew He's up to something.

1:18:42 Adam Rod?

1:18:44 You're 24? I can't believe I got on with you guys.

1:18:47 Adam Great to speak to you.

1:18:50 It's great to speak to you too. I've been listening to you guys for like 10 years and this is the first time I've ever called in. But I felt that I had received a sign from you the other night when you said you needed a caller about threesomes. Yeah. Well, I'm in Washington, HFS country, used to see you guys live introducing bands. How much time do you have left in the show?

1:19:14 Adam We got about, how much time do you need? We got about 24 minutes for you.

1:19:18 Okay. I'm just making sure that you're not about to end or anything. All right.

1:19:24 Drew That doesn't mean your call is not about to end.

1:19:26 First of all, I want to say that you guys have been pivotal in my life. Adam, I don't want to call you a genius because that sounds groveling, but when I was a kid and needed a dissenting voice to aspire to, you helped instill anarchist ideas in my head. You helped spark my passion for psychology and interest in addiction and outstanding medicine. I'm sorry, I'm talking a lot.

1:20:07 Adam What about Anderson?

1:20:19 How much of it do you want to hear? Because I can answer a whole bunch of your questions.

1:20:22 Adam Hold on a second, Rod. What's what, bro? Rod's a nice guy, but if he keeps asking me what percentage of his question I need to hear and how much time we have left in the show, I'm going to fly out to a DC area and strangle him. All right, hold on, Rod, just hold on, I want you to, I want you to think.

1:20:37 Drew Formulate, formulate your question.

1:20:39 Adam Formulate it, make it concise, break it down. It's a threesome question.

1:20:44 Drew Yeah, it should be like four sentences.

1:20:45 Adam Rod sounds way too spastic to get involved with the threesome, by the way. You know what I mean? Like money? Rod's got money? Rod doesn't have money. You think Rod's got money? Rod, do you have money?

1:20:58 Not a whole lot, actually.

1:20:59 Adam Okay, how did you get your spastic ass involved with the threesome?

1:21:04 I'm really not that spastic. I'm just a little bit...

1:21:07 Adam You must be some kind of good looking.

1:21:08 I'm even giddy about getting on the radio to talk to you guys.

1:21:11 Adam Okay, now what is your question? You had a threesome?

1:21:14 I wanted your guy's advice on the situation that resulted in my relationship after the threesome. Okay, what happened?

1:21:23 Adam Hold on, you know, is Rod... You think Rod's trying to keep us on the line so we can run a trace? This is like one of those movies where you just stall them. There's some guy, he's got a set of cans on, he's looking at some pathismagraph and a sign, he's doing this. He's just stretching out, stretching out, we can trace this, we're going to trace it.

1:21:42 Will Sasso He's exactly what you were talking about when you said like a robber shouldn't come in again now, I'm going to beat you with the fire poker. He's like, I am going to ask you a question. This question will last exactly 250 minutes.

1:21:51 Drew The question pertains to the relationship that pertains to the events surrounding the set evening.

1:21:54 Adam Right, right. Here we go. Your question is?

1:21:58 I just asked you, it's not that specific of a question, that's why I, that's why there's history behind it.

1:22:05 Adam Well, you might still see the guy going straight. Longer.

1:22:09 Drew Give the question, give the question.

1:22:10 Adam We've got the coordinates locked down in the Greater Los Angeles area. We got it, we had a strike team coming in, but we can't, if you can just stretch it out, we can actually triangulate it and pinpoint their actual location.

1:22:22 Drew Send the smart bomb right in.

1:22:23 Adam Well, send the smart bomb. Yeah.

1:22:25 Drew Okay, Rob, just ask, Rob, ask the question and then we'll tell you what kind of history we need, okay?

1:22:31 The question is...

1:22:34 Caller Not yet, not yet, not yet.

1:22:36 How can this relationship be recovered after the...

1:22:40 Drew After the threesome?...

1:22:41 promotions that resulted in the from...

1:22:44 Drew Well, hold on.

1:22:45 Adam Was the threesome with you and two girls or you a dude?

1:22:49 Drew And one of them was your girlfriend?

1:22:51 One of them was my girlfriend, bisexual.

1:22:53 Adam Okay, did you have sex with the other girl?

1:22:57 No, I didn't.

1:22:58 Adam No intercourse?

1:22:59 Nope, not penetration.

1:23:00 Drew But you...

1:23:01 Adam Did you get oral sex?

1:23:03 Yeah, it was pretty much everything besides that.

1:23:05 Drew And your girlfriend, we said, was bisexual?

1:23:07 Yes.

1:23:08 Drew This will never work out, not a million years ago.

1:23:10 Adam Oh, well, if she's bisexual...

1:23:11 Drew She's telling you bye-bye.

1:23:13 Yeah.

1:23:23 Drew This is not going to work out, period. Her bisexuality is a remnant of her trauma. That's why she got you into this situation with the threesome, so she could re-evoke that horrible trauma. She successfully did that, blames you for it, hates you for it. The epic reason to sabotage this relationship and get out of it, it will never in a million years work unless she gets about God knows how many years with the intensive psychotherapy. Then we have to worry about you, why you get involved with somebody like this.

1:23:55 Adam She needs a sea turtle's life of therapy.

1:23:59 Drew Yes.

1:24:00 Caller Yeah.

1:24:01 Adam You know, it's funny, I don't like the animals that live longer than we do.

1:24:04 Drew Why? Jealous?

1:24:06 Adam You know, a mosquito lives 2.7 days, yeah, good, and then once in a while you hear about, yeah, a dog lives about 13, 14, uh-huh, then once in a while it's like, yeah, that sea turtle lived 118. Really? We should kill it. Shouldn't we kill it before? We should kill it about 78, 79. I don't like that. I don't like that. I like the idea of me being born and a sea turtle already being 6 or 7 and then I kick off and that same turtle is going along just fine. I don't like that. I'm smarter than that turtle. I take that turtle down, make an ashtray out of it. You know what I mean? I don't know what the animals are. There's a handful of them.

1:24:44 Drew They live a long time.

1:24:45 Adam Yeah. Sea turtles got to be one of them. I got to find that out, Drew. What are the real long ones?

1:24:50 Will Sasso I think I saw a thing on TV about a 40 year old lobster.

1:24:54 Adam Really?

1:24:54 Will Sasso Seriously. 30 or 40 years old.

1:24:56 Adam How big was it?

1:24:56 Will Sasso It was like 3 or 4 feet long.

1:24:58 Caller Wow.

1:24:59 Adam I took my nephew, I had my nephew last weekend. Kid's going to be great. I know he's going to go goth at a certain point. I was over at the, I took him over to like a seafood restaurant. We went over to the lobster tank and I went, hey, look at the lobster. He's 7, you know.

1:25:17 Caller Look at the lobsters. Look at the lobsters.

1:25:18 Adam And he goes, they're going to die. It's like Clint Eastwood, kind of like, they're going to die, aren't they? And I was like, yeah, well they're going to die, but we're going to eat them. We're going to dip them in butter. And, by the way, we're going to eat them never really works after they're going to die. You know, if you think about like what happened to Bambi's mom or something, you're like, well, we're going to eat her.

1:25:40 Drew What the hell is your sister and brother-in-law been doing to these poor kids?

1:25:43 Adam I don't know. Whatever it is, they shouldn't be writing any books.

1:25:46 Drew No.

1:25:47 Adam No. She's like, he's like, yeah, they're going to die. That's like, yeah, it's hard to come back from that.

1:25:52 Drew This is intergenerational trauma being transmitted.

1:25:55 Adam It is. All right, well, he's Corolla. We'll take a quick break. Will Sasso here tonight. We'll be right back after this. Hey, everybody, it's the Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, Will Sasso here tonight. Will is from Less Than Perfect, which is Tuesday nights, 930 ABC, and of course, all those stellar years on MAD TV. I want to talk to the guys in the Army and he's gay.

1:26:46 Drew I don't believe them all of a sudden.

1:26:48 Adam Justin?

1:26:49 Caller Yes.

1:26:50 Adam You're gay?

1:26:52 Caller Yeah, first of all, I say Adam, Dr. Drew, Will, how are you guys doing?

1:26:56 Adam Yeah, don't buy it.

1:26:58 Caller Yeah, I guess I'll try and make this, you know, We don't believe you.

1:27:02 Adam We don't believe it.

1:27:04 Caller You don't believe it?

1:27:05 Adam No.

1:27:05 Caller Well, yeah, everybody's entitled to their opinion, but.

1:27:08 Adam Yeah, now we really don't believe it. That's what people say when they're bogus.

1:27:14 Drew What's the question?

1:27:15 Caller They each their own, however. I guess what it comes down to is, you know, I'm in the infantry, which is, you know, quote unquote, the most manly portion of the military in the army. Yeah, I served over in Iraq, spent a pretty good deal of time over there. How was that? You know, pretty sure you guys got a better view of it than I did. Sometimes, you know, the whole picture, you know, with the real time.

1:27:40 Liar, liar whore, liar whore, you know it.

1:27:43 Drew But what was it like for you, though?

1:27:46 Caller It was difficult. You know, I lost a good friend of mine, and, you know, it was tough because we were there in the initial part of it, you know.

1:27:52 Adam What did you do?

1:27:53 Caller I'm in infantry.

1:27:55 Adam Yeah, but where were you?

1:27:57 Caller Everywhere. Nazaria, Nizhaf, Karbala, Hala, and then the southern portion of Baghdad.

1:28:05 Drew Are we getting a clear picture of what's going on?

1:28:07 Adam Beautiful country out there. Wonderful.

1:28:10 For lack of a better term, I suppose.

1:28:13 Drew Are we getting a pretty clear picture of what's going on over there now, do you think?

1:28:19 Caller I don't know. To me, it seems like it's a little more dangerous there now than it was when we were there just because of rules and engagement have changed.

1:28:25 Adam They got guys dressing up as Iraqi police and then blowing up stuff.

1:28:30 Caller Yeah. Trying to play world police now. That's good times. All right. Now I believe you. Well, I guess my issue is, as you know, it's a difficult situation to be in because, you know, you can't speak out.

1:28:46 Adam You're gay because you're homosexual?

1:28:49 Caller Exactly. You know, you'll be captured out of the military if, you know, if anyone finds out. However, you know, it's kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place because the way I look at it, you know, if I'm man enough to go over there and fight for my country, I think that I should be man enough to, you know, choose my sexuality.

1:29:07 Drew I thought there was sort of this don't ask, don't tell kind of thing.

1:29:09 Caller Yeah, there is. There really is. I mean, but, you know, obviously, especially being an infantry, I mean, you got to hide it as best as possible. And, you know, I get called, you know, a lot of times, I'm sure you guys are familiar with the term metrosexual. You know, some people make jokes about that. It's not a big deal.

1:29:26 Adam Hold on a second. You're 23. Did you re-up?

1:29:31 Caller No, I have not yet.

1:29:33 Adam Are you going to?

1:29:33 Caller I'm debating on that.

1:29:36 Adam Well, I mean, are you done? When are you going to be done with your four years?

1:29:39 Caller I got about just a little over a year left.

1:29:43 Drew And why do you need to tell people?

1:29:45 Caller You know, I guess, you know, it's just the... What really asses me up is, you know, the fact that, you know, I can go over there and do that. And, you know, I've served for three years now.

1:29:59 Adam And I understand it. OK, let me just say this. When you get the gay guys assed up, that's when you got really... That's time to draw the drapes. Or at least put some foil on the windows as we used to do it.

1:30:13 Drew What were you going to say, though?

1:30:14 Adam Here's what I was going to say. I understand his pride is hurt in that he feels like he risks his life for this country. And then he comes back and he can't marry his partner.

1:30:29 Drew He's made to feel less than.

1:30:32 Adam And I know there's this sort of convenient heterosexual argument, which is, oh, no one's asking you to do anything. They're just asking you to keep your trap shut. It's slightly condescending.

1:30:41 Drew I understand it. It's still not making him...

1:30:44 Adam It's not really embracing your lifestyle.

1:30:46 Drew Well, not just his lifestyle, him. He feels slighted as a person in spite of having served.

1:30:51 Adam I'm just going to speak practically here for a second, which is when you're in the military and you're in some bunkhouse with 70 other guys and some guy comes in and beats a trash can with a wooden spoon at 6 a.m. to get you up and calls you maggots and pukes and stuff like that, it's best not to do a whole lot of sharing. Don't get into sharing.

1:31:11 Drew Get an education, get some benefits, learn a skill.

1:31:19 Adam Make a few friends. There'll be a couple of guys you can probably confide in. Other than that, you're there to kind of do your time and get out and parlay it into something. If I was gay, I don't think I'd be making a career out of the military.

1:31:33 Drew What does he do with his feelings about not being supported as a person?

1:31:38 Adam He bottles them up and unleashes them on a friendly fire attack at some point in the future.

1:31:46 Drew Or maybe just kind of keeps it together until he gets out and then starts speaking up about it.

1:31:51 Adam Yeah, and it's like, again...

1:31:53 Drew It's a practical issue, right? Because he's not going to be able to change what is. And it's sad. And it's interesting. I'm actually kind of surprised. I could see how a guy would feel like this. And it's sort of surprising that we aren't hearing more of this now that a lot of guys have served.

1:32:08 Adam Well, I think, A, there isn't a whole lot of gay guys in the military.

1:32:13 Drew I think there are plenty, more than you might think.

1:32:16 Adam I think it's less than the general populace.

1:32:18 Drew Yes, I would agree with that.

1:32:19 Adam Even though, my God, why wouldn't you go? But then on the other hand, you think about the gays, and it's like, all right. Now, here's the thing. Gay guys aren't going to the military. I don't know what the general populace of gay guys is. I know Will knows.

1:32:35 Will Sasso Did you guys know that, I just heard this on ESPN, that 85% of the NFL is gay?

1:32:40 Drew 85%.

1:32:40 Will Sasso 85% of the players in the NFL.

1:32:42 Adam 85 to 90.

1:32:43 Drew I always thought so.

1:32:44 Will Sasso You heard that on Love Line.

1:32:45 Adam I know the kickers are for sure. And the guys who do the long snaps. What a wonderful kid they would have. All right, we're going to take a quick break. Will Sasso here. You heard it here. 85% of the NFL gay and 96% NHL. Take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:33:04 Caller Alright guys, here's the deal. You're looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

1:33:09 Caller One call is all you need to make.

1:33:11 Drew Call the Dateline. 877-889-DATE.

1:33:14 Caller Call the Dateline.

1:33:35 Adam Yeah everybody! Love Line! Checking out the dudes. You can find him on Less Than Perfect.

1:33:44 Drew And the Gold's Gym Locker Room.

1:33:45 Adam And the Gold's Gym Locker Room. ABC.

1:33:47 Will Sasso Put on your clothes.

1:33:48 Adam 930.

1:33:49 Will Sasso In the Gold's Gym Locker Room. Do you want to go there? That's all I'm saying. You know, there are things we talk about during the break.

1:33:54 Adam Yeah.

1:33:54 Will Sasso I was just, the conversation went there. If you're in the gym, you put on your clothes.

1:33:59 Adam Yeah, after you shower and put your clothes on.

1:34:02 Will Sasso Then you put on your clothes, and then you go through, you rifle through your wallet, and you go through your day planner, and you have, you take your little supplements. Don't do that all. Don't be functionally naked in public.

1:34:12 Adam Don't do the nude Pilates warm down. Using the pants in the room.

1:34:15 Will Sasso Don't stand there butt naked and clean your glasses.

1:34:17 Drew There's enough sex in a locker room.

1:34:20 Adam We could go on forever. I want to thank Chris Anderson, Jr. producer, Lauren, and producer Anne, and Brian, the world's greatest and only phone screener show. Until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo.

1:34:34 Will Sasso Is he helipathetic?

1:34:38 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors or this station. The producer for Loveline is Ann Ingold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Thursday, March 11, 2004