Episode 1000597803149

0:59 Love Line with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

1:05 Voiceover I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-1-9-1, Dr. Drew, Board Certified Physician, Addiction Medicine Specialist. All right, Drew.

1:17 There we go.

1:17 Adam What's up there, buddy?

1:18 Drew Hey.

1:19 Adam Looking good.

1:19 Drew Got some energy, Adam.

1:20 Adam Man, it's raining out there.

1:22 Drew It sure is.

1:22 Adam It doesn't slow me down.

1:24 Drew No.

1:24 Adam That's the whole thing about me. I just drive the same speed.

1:29 Drew Yeah, you drive fast, but your engine's barely going in your soul.

1:34 Adam My soul is drowning.

1:36 Drew Yes.

1:36 Adam But I'm hydroplaning down the road.

1:38 Drew Yeah, me too.

1:39 Adam Yeah, you want to hear comedy? You know how the guy's over there? I know, I got some kind of deal. I don't know what happened. Something happened where I met some guy from like Car and Driver magazine, although it could be Road and Track and I'm calling it Car and Driver. You know they get upset?

1:56 Drew Yes.

1:56 Adam They get the same upset, same way. Chicks named Susan get upset when you call them Suzanne and vice versa. But to you, it's like who the hell knows and who cares? Why you name yourself something so close to something else? Well, Drew's wife's name is Susan and she gets pissed. That's why Drew's doing that and she's listening.

2:13 Drew No, no, no, no, no.

2:14 Adam My whole thing is-

2:14 Drew It's just that you're talking about dire competitors.

2:17 Adam I know, but who knows? You shouldn't have done bop and bop if you didn't want the competition. Anyway, let's just say road and track. So I know a guy over there. So he gets me cars. It's funny because he gets me the world's most obnoxious cars.

2:37 Drew He's got a huge Denali.

2:39 Adam No, no, the Denali. That's something else.

2:42 Drew People are always getting you cars.

2:43 Adam That's just driving around for three months and try not to destroy it. Although I've been I've been trying. That's why I'm trying like a maniac.

2:51 Drew What happened there?

2:52 Adam Not only is it. Listen, all you jackoffs with your walking up to the fender where I scraped it up against the guardrail there and seeing a little paint on the fender. Hey, what's this? What happened here? I hit a leprechaun, you a-holes. What happened here? I went down. Drew, don't get me going with that. Back to the. But I'm just saying, listen, everybody. Yeah, but still, we're going back to the cars. But here's all I'm saying. Don't walk up to anyone's car, look at a scratch in the fender and say, what happened here? I go ahead and do the collision math. Let's say they drove off a bridge into a mire and dropped plunged 18 stories or might they've scraped it on some garbage cans? Oh, what happened here? Well, what happened here?

3:42 Drew What difference does it make to you?

3:43 Adam Somewhere between an accident and nothing. That's what happened. A-holes. All this is just pointing it out. It's just everybody. Idiots. All right. Anyway, that's all anyone can say to me is what happened here. Anyone know the sad thing? I'm driving around a car that someone gave me for three months. I scraped it up against this post. It's got some blue paint on the side of the bumper. By the way, it's not even a dent or anything. It's just like, you know, blue paint scraped on there. I was rubbing it out on Saturday to shut everyone up. Like, I don't care. I'm just tired of answering questions. Hey, what, what, what happened? Why don't I just go to people like scar on their forehead, hair, lip, big flared nostrils. Hey, what happened here? Head went through a windshield. Whoa, I was attacked by escape mental patient. He hit me the Schlitz bottle.

4:45 Drew So Chris McDonald's, I guess, tonight.

4:47 Adam Oh, shut up, Drew. He's not even here. Now, listen to me.

4:51 Drew I wanted to tell a story before he got here.

4:53 Adam About him? Okay, go ahead.

4:56 Drew It's going to say that he-

4:57 Adam I wasn't done with my car story.

4:58 Drew I'm sorry.

4:59 Adam But I hadn't gotten started either. Go ahead, slide in your Chris McDonald.

5:03 Drew The story was-

5:04 Adam People don't know who Chris McDonald is. But boy, if you saw him, you would know who he is.

5:08 Drew You know his face. And he was in Happy Gilmore when it was the role he played in Happy Gilmore.

5:12 Adam Yeah. Listen, I just highlighted all the movies the guy was in. He was in every movie. Yeah. Every movie.

5:19 Drew There's 97 films.

5:22 Adam But-

5:22 Drew Wild Orchid.

5:23 Adam Here's an interesting- Wild Orchid? Wild Orchid 2. Here's the thing. He, it says here, he's had two movies open on the same weekend, six times. Do you understand what that, to do that six times? I mean, it's having a career where you have two, Adam Sandler hasn't had two movies open on the same weekend, six times. Jesus Christ, Drew, read, don't read those movies, you'll screw it up. You'll pick the bad ones.

5:52 Drew That's right.

5:53 Adam Because you don't know. And then you'll go.

5:55 Drew Anyway, he, when I used to do that morning TV show, that Mars Vina show, he was a guest and I was very excited about it and I ran to backstage and I go, you know, I was really excited to meet you. My daughter loves that film you did with Whoopi Goldberg, where she's the housekeeper and the mom is that. Because that was a good film, Ray Liotta.

6:14 Adam That's right.

6:14 Drew Yeah.

6:15 Adam Drew, haven't you learned not to talk?

6:17 Drew Yeah.

6:19 Adam Let's practice. Ready?

6:20 Drew And.

6:30 Adam Okay, I give you like a six. That's a good start. Okay, but you got to breathe. Give it not loudly. The people know you're there.

6:39 I do want to say something about Chris McDonald.

6:41 Adam Go ahead. He was great at Shooter McGavin and Happy Gilmore.

6:45 He was awesome in that.

6:46 Adam Yeah.

6:47 That's what people probably know.

6:49 Adam Yeah. Well, he's an SLC punk. Some of our older listeners may know that one. Grumpy Old Men, Perfect Storm, Terminal Velocity, Quiz Show, Happy Gilmore's, Celtic Pride.

7:01 Drew He was in the-

7:02 Adam Flubber, Dirty Work.

7:03 Drew Was it Law and Order?

7:05 Adam Listen, I'm just picking the movies and I'm going about every 12th movie and then picking one. You kids may know, but there's a thousand, Requiem for a Dream, Grease 2. I mean, I don't even know how you- how do you physically shoot 150 movies in 14 years? Okay, you must have to just be- must actually be shooting eight movies simultaneously. Well, anyway, he's off to the old address there, Anderson. So if you're a big fan, you may want to say hi to him. Oh, Knight Rider. Oh, Ten Wheel Trouble. Wow, he's a Knight Rider and Hunter and Matlock. What is he, like a 170 years old? Empty Nest? What's the catch? Cheers? Everything ever made. Drew, he must have been- he must have co-hosted on Loveline for at least two seasons.

7:58 Drew He must have.

7:59 Adam All right, don't- give me that. You're gonna get into trouble. All right, ready? Let's try the not talking again. Ready? Go. I know I can hear you breathe.

8:14 Drew Too much? You still want me to breathe?

8:16 Adam I want you to breathe, but it can't sound labored. So it's going to sound like you're giving birth. All right, let's try it again. Drew's practicing, not talking. Ready and non-action. Yeah, that's good. Try to sleep. Try to slow the breathing. Try to slow the pulse. You're drifting away. You're on a mattress in the ocean. But it's beautiful. It's calm seas. You're drifting. You never felt warmer.

8:46 Drew You're going with the face on it smiling.

8:48 Adam There's a smile. You know, there's a kid fishing off it. It's a crescent moon. All right, producer Ann is here. Ann, forget about Christopher McDonald. Where's my coffee? That's the real, that's the big thing. Oh, she's pissed. Yeah. She's mad because I gave a real speech about files. We got no coffee. We got no gas. No gas files. Don't get in there. Let's get going. All right. Here we go. You're ready? Let me tell you the car that gave me today. The guy from Car and Driver. Great guy named Alan. He wrangles me these cars. They give them to me for one week. I drive them around for a week and then I report to him on the, I go on his radio show and tell him how they work. He gets me novelty cars essentially.

9:37 Drew He did that SL55 for a while.

9:39 Adam That was a bad place to start because it started with $150,000 supercharged Mercedes and have been heading down ever since. Now I've got a shopping cart with a moped engine on it. No, nobody gets me now. I want you to think, close your eyes and picture the worst car you could ever drive in the rain and don't think convertible because I know you're going to want to think convertible. Here's the car that shows up at my house today for me to drive today. It is the Dodge RT truck. This is the sport truck with the Viper engine in it. This is the eight and a half liter, 500 horsepower, 500 foot pounds of torque V10 truck with the Viper engine in the Hurst. I guess it's a six speed in it. Here's the point. On the driest of conditions, you could not drive this thing without breaking the tires loose. You know, I mean, it's just gobs of torque, mammoth torque. I mean, the 500 horsepower Viper engine in it, this I would be off the road in one second. I should I better wait till it stops raining. Oh, no, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be here.

10:55 Drew Maybe off the road.

10:56 Adam I'd be in, well, whatever the freeway equivalent of David Jones Locker is, that's where I would be. Do they have one? Where's the land version of David Jones Locker? The ground, six feet under.

11:09 Drew Highline.

11:10 Adam Yeah, I would.

11:11 Drew This is, first off, the Caltrans Pylon.

11:14 Adam This is the most obnoxious vehicle ever produced. And first off, the timing couldn't be better because, A, it's raining cats and dogs out here. And B, gas prices have never been higher. This essentially is why the terrorists hate us, this truck. This is a truck that gets eight miles to the gallon, that has no towing capacity or anything, has no bed in it, has like a spoiler where the bed is, and it has a Viper engine in it. It's a $60,000 truck that doesn't carry anything. It's the most obnoxious vehicle.

11:48 Drew Does it have the roof that goes down?

11:50 Adam It's the huge, no, just the mammoth hood scoop. It's a Viper. It's got a Viper hood on it. It's the most obnoxious vehicle ever produced. Chris.

12:00 Drew You look good in it.

12:01 Adam Punch up the Dodge RT Viper truck. And Drew, you see, there's no, and then you tell me if there's a more obnoxious or worse, a rain vehicle ever produced. Martha.

12:11 Yes.

12:12 Adam You're 18?

12:13 Caller Yes, I am.

12:14 Adam What's up?

12:15 Caller My question is, is it true you're not supposed to have a Passenger unless you're sexually active and if you're a virgin, you're not supposed to have it at all? And my question comes because I'm entering Job Corps and that's like a mandatory thing. If you don't go through the whole medical process thoroughly, you like the whole thing to have, you just won't get accepted at all.

12:38 Adam Job Corps, by the way, for people who don't know, is sort of prison with a shovel. It's like it's kind of prison. Here's what Job Corps is.

12:46 Drew Military prison.

12:46 Adam Job Corps is, look, if you don't go to Job Corps, you're going to juvie. That's kind of what it is. It's really, I don't think I've ever said this, it's a notch below Junior College.

12:58 Drew Oh yeah.

12:58 Adam But you're actually doing something so that it transcends Junior College. Oh, it transcends it. It goes above it. Yeah, because you actually do do something, whereas in Junior College you just sit there, score weeds sometimes. So Martha, why do you have to go to Job Corps? What went wrong with you?

13:12 Caller What went wrong? Well, I was absent a lot and never went to school.

13:18 Caller Credits behind, yeah, I know.

13:20 Adam It's juvie with a shovel. All right. What are you going to, but look, this is a good thing, Martha, because it's like you're not cut out for school. Fine, I wasn't cut out for school either. Good. Learn something.

13:33 Caller It's a window of opportunity.

13:35 Adam That's right. No, that's smart. What are you going to learn?

13:39 Caller Clerical work and computer. Good. Look.

13:43 Drew Where do you go?

13:45 Caller Hello?

13:45 Drew Where do you go to do this?

13:47 Caller Right here in LA.

13:48 Drew So you don't have to travel or anything.

13:51 Adam Drew, I know. I know you want to talk about past marriage. This is like, if you're a horrible student, this is good. You need a skill. You need to work a computer or weld a pipe.

14:04 Caller I'm an OK student. I can get better.

14:07 Adam You can, but you're clearly not.

14:09 Drew You're out of school.

14:10 Adam Learn clerical skills in the computer and join the job market.

14:13 Caller That's what I'm doing.

14:14 Adam All right, baby. I'm on my way. You're going places.

14:18 Drew That's what Adam's saying. It's a good thing.

14:19 Adam I like you.

14:20 Drew But they're requiring you to have a pap smear. Where have you heard that you're not supposed to get one of your virgin?

14:26 Adam The vagina.

14:27 Caller My mom and my friend, which is pregnant at the time.

14:32 Drew Well, there actually has been some literature recently that suggests it may not be. In years past, we'd say, oh, yeah, 18 pap smear, you got to have one.

14:40 Caller Yeah.

14:40 Drew But if you are not sexually active, a lot of doctors would agree that you don't have to have it at 18. And whether or not you ever have to have one, sort of, you know, if you were not not sexually active, I think most people would say you should. Well, at a certain point, you just get to a certain age and Well, it's mostly the fact now that most, if not all, cervical cancers are really thought now to be the result of the ward virus. And so if you've not been sexually active, Well, that's sort of the way things are going.

15:07 Adam But what if you're 30 and you've never had any sexual contact? I think you should.

15:12 Drew I think you absolutely should. But I think people might make a case.

15:15 Adam You know what it becomes? It becomes like, I know I've been talking all morning or all evening about it, but it becomes like a car where it's like you never drove it. But at a certain point, you got to change the oil just because it's 10 years old. Just change it, right?

15:30 Drew Eventually, change that oil.

15:34 Adam Put it up on the rack. But not like you would if you were whoring around. You do it every, you know, 3000 miles. Not you. Martha, you're Virgin, you're 18. And you play a lot of hooky.

15:48 Drew Those things don't go together.

15:49 Adam You know what? I'm going big gal. You a big gal? That's alright.

15:57 Caller 5'6.

16:00 Adam That's no flyweight, but that's not what we normally get on the show. Good. You got your virginity. You're soon to get your clerical skills. And a mazel tov, as your people would say.

16:13 Caller Alright.

16:16 Adam Do we answer a question?

16:17 Drew I think so.

16:19 Adam Drew, I know we want to talk to kids. But I'm going to talk about kids right now when I say this. I really think this country and people like you, especially, need to shift the priorities for all these years. This sort of lie of college. Everyone's going to college. Or hey, if you're not going to college, that's the goal. That's the goal. Well, if only, and especially when you're talking about certain cities and certain populations of certain cities, 20% of people going, if you're making, hey, this is, it's this or nothing, and then it's nothing for 80% of the people, not a great strategy, is it?

16:54 Drew No, that's not at all.

16:56 Adam I mean, it's like saying, everyone should own a home, so we'll not have to do any affordable apartment housing or anything like that. Well, if 80% of people live in apartments, we gotta get some apartments.

17:07 Drew I think one of the sort of maybe naive or otherwise strategies is that if people go to college, you don't have to do job training. They're smart enough to figure stuff out on a job, just go out there and do it.

17:16 Adam So, I'm just saying, at a certain age, you know, and I wish someone had done this with me and my loser buddies, is, hey, you're 16, you're clearly not college bound. Your parents don't have any money, your grades suck, your test scores suck. Whatever test you take, you don't even take those. You cut half the time. You can barely read, you have no discipline. You're not going. You're going to work when you graduate in a year and a half. And doing what? Who knows?

17:46 Drew You probably would have gone to that work corps.

17:48 Caller Hell yeah, I would have gone.

17:50 Adam I mean, I would have learned, I would have been a plumber or something, you know? Absolutely.

17:54 Drew So we have that now, we have it.

17:56 Adam Yeah, but kind of. It's not really push. It's like, go to college, go to college, go to college. And it's like, yeah, but I'm stupid and I'm a horrible student and I'm stupid and lazy. It doesn't matter, go to college anyway. And magically, you graduate high school and you don't have grades and you're dumb and you don't have any study skills or anything. It's like, oh, but don't worry, go to junior college. Go waste six years over there. And then what? How about you get realistic? I mean, just say, look, college isn't for everyone. Go get a job. And by the way, what's, you know, plumbers make more than guys who graduate college anyway, at least with a four year degree.

18:34 Right.

18:34 Adam Let's go get in some apprentice program. Dustin?

18:38 Yeah.

18:38 Adam You're 16?

18:39 Caller Yeah.

18:40 Adam What's up?

18:42 Caller Not much, I guess. Mild commitment problems.

18:46 Adam Mild.

18:47 Caller Mild.

18:47 Adam Well, you know, my answer is you got to drop out of high school.

18:51 Caller I did.

18:51 Adam You got to learn a trade.

18:52 Drew In apprentice show.

18:53 Adam Oh, you did.

18:54 Caller Yeah, I'm actually going to Wiotek for the automotive trade.

18:57 Adam Smart. Not smart. IQ smart, but just.

19:01 Drew Smart move.

19:02 Adam Yeah, shrewd. Not shrewd, smart shrewd, but good move. Good, not good, good, but you know, good, good bad, but.

19:08 Drew Yeah.

19:09 Adam Good.

19:09 Drew Under the circumstances, good.

19:10 Adam Good job, Dustin.

19:12 Drew So what's your question for us?

19:14 Caller Um, I think I'm like borderline, maybe like sex addict because like I was going out with a girl and it was like a pretty decent long term relationship. And then I like ended it due to no real apparent reason that I can think of even to this day. And after that, I was having like, I don't know, I guess, a withdrawal from her. So I just kind of went on a sex binge and I just haven't been able to get off it. I'll be with like a chick for two weeks, you know, what I want from her.

19:48 Adam Quiet down. How do you hold on to a sex binge at 16? Like I could have gone on like a Sunday binge, you know, maybe eat a lot of ice cream or something or maybe a waffle, maybe a pizza or waffle binge. Although I probably couldn't have afforded it back then, but how do you go on a sex binge at 16? If I had a nickel for every time I announced I was about to embark on a sex binge at 16, I'd be a rich man, but how do you go on a sex binge at 16?

20:14 Caller Um, I don't know, I guess have the opportunity.

20:19 Adam Yeah, how do you get that opportunity?

20:20 Caller Uh, I don't know, I had a kind of a reputation at school to just kind of be an easy guy and I wouldn't second.

20:30 Adam I spread the word far and wide that I put out.

20:32 Drew You're easy.

20:33 Adam Ladies, line up, start blowing. I'm easy. I'll hold still for all of you. You don't even know I'm alive. You're like blowing up a raft. Just be there. I'm easy. I got the word out, he's no prude. Yeah. So he's like, gets done banging some chick, listen, tell your friends, I'm easy. Big D, Dustin?

21:03 Caller Yeah.

21:04 Adam I'm the easy man.

21:04 Caller What was that?

21:05 Adam Easy D, they call me.

21:06 Drew Who are these women you're meeting?

21:10 Caller Repeat that again. I'm not like.

21:11 Drew Who are these women you're meeting?

21:13 Adam They've got the flyer on the windshield of the parking lot there, yeah, I know he's easy.

21:19 Drew I thought you didn't go to school.

21:21 Adam I dropped out of school.

21:22 Caller Right, I dropped out like a month ago, January.

21:24 Adam Yeah. Hold on a second. What kind of idiot would drop out of school when the word was out that he was easy? Now you're going to go to mechanic school and the word is going to get out and a bunch of grease balls are coming after you.

21:35 Caller Yeah.

21:36 Adam Okay, look, I don't know what 16 year old guy doesn't get laid as much as he possibly can pretty much. I'm worried more about the drop out of school and you, I mean, first off, Dustin, Dustin is 16. Easily.

21:54 Caller Yeah.

21:55 Drew Want to see if he's an addict? Are you doing any drugs?

21:59 Caller No, I actually got off pot and acid to get a job. I got a full-time job working in, you know, it's not the greatest job at King Super's, but I'm doing that and I just decided just not to start pot again.

22:11 Adam Over King Super.

22:13 Drew Sometimes if you are an addict, the sexual behaviors can sort of replace the drive for the drug. So it may be sort of the natural history of marijuana.

22:21 Adam But good times. Christopher McDonald is our guest tonight. It's not fit for man or beast out there, Drew. It really isn't. And I'll just chalk that up. Chris's tardiness to the weather. He, Chris and Drew go way back from the time, well, Ray thought he was Ray, Chris, I mean, Drew thought he was Ray Liotta.

22:44 That still was a good movie, though. I liked it.

22:47 Adam The worst actors people could think you were.

22:50 Well, there are. And I get, you know, I get, or used to get, I should say all the time, and it was my goal to not get it anymore. It was, hey, Joe, Joe Piscobo. Oh, yeah. How you doing?

22:59 Caller Pisc?

23:00 Adam You're four feet taller than he is.

23:02 Caller Thanks.

23:03 Adam Yeah.

23:04 But I've never met Joe, and one day I will, and maybe he gets Chris McDonnell, who knows, so it's a fair play.

23:09 Adam How could you?

23:11 Drew I don't know how you filmed all these films.

23:12 Caller No, no.

23:13 Adam Here's now what I want to know. Oh, Piscobo. Yeah. And you've both probably got the 7,000, at least between TV and movies and TV movies and series and stuff, how could you guys have never crossed paths? I mean, you've worked on everything that's ever been produced.

23:33 Caller No, every other thing or else there's fines. People don't want to pay the fines, so they hire me. No, I...

23:38 Adam You and Jeremy Piven. Between Chris and Jeremy Piven, they've done everything that's ever been thought of.

23:45 Drew It's true.

23:47 Adam Really, they really have.

23:49 Caller No, not that much. Perception is good, and I think that's probably a good thing. They say, oh yeah, Chris McTowney's saying he doesn't have everything, but at the same time I'm out there struggling, trying to get the next thing, and I got a great gig right now. God, I'm happy. The reason I'm late tonight, and apologies to all, is that I was lensing in the valley, in the rain, mind you.

24:08 Adam You were what-ing?

24:09 Caller Lensing, filming.

24:12 Adam Lensing.

24:12 Drew Is this cracking up?

24:13 Caller A lot is cracking up, yeah, and it was very, very funny. We had this big scene, we had the, you know, we're doing paintballs, and I just go a little, I have my top of the world, and I start blowing everybody apart and killing kids in trees and stuff.

24:25 Drew It's very nice.

24:26 Adam And the show premieres Tuesday, March 8th.

24:30 Caller March 9th, actually.

24:32 Adam Well now, Ann just scratched down the 9th, it's a week from tomorrow. Week from tomorrow is right.

24:37 Drew Tomorrow is the 2nd, so the week will be the 9th.

24:39 Caller There you go.

24:40 Adam Banned a thousand. That's one week.

24:44 I was told the 9th.

24:45 Caller It was the 9th, and it's initially the 9th after the fabulous and watchable finalists of American Idol, and then we're on Mondays after that 70s show.

24:58 Drew What's it about, Michelle?

24:59 Caller The show is about this very, very wealthy Beverly Hills family with three kids and everything seems great and fine and wonderful, and then they invite this kid to come and live with them from the local college who is a psychiatry major, and he comes to look at our youngest who's a little bit off. We got problems and we think he's a little off, and the kid says, yeah, it's great, he'll get extra credit. He comes to live with our fabulous guest out, and he finds out that the kid's fine and everybody else in the family is out of their minds. So we're really, we get to like really push the envelope here. It's very funny.

25:33 Adam Now, Molly Shannon is going to be your wife, I'm guessing.

25:36 Caller Yes, good call there.

25:37 Adam And Jason Schwartzman would also be your wife?

25:41 Caller I married him just for the first season.

25:43 Drew That's the craziness of it. It's wacky.

25:46 Caller No, he's the kid that comes over from college, and he lives in our guest house, and his best friend, David Walton, is playing Liam, and he's the thing, man, you got it made here. This place is amazing. Don't ever cure these people.

25:58 Adam And what would it be in the vein of, if you could?

26:02 Caller Imagine the Adams family without the real craziness, without lurch. Imagine a seemingly cool-looking family, but behind closed doors, it's like, oh my god, who are these freaks?

26:14 Drew College kid is free.

26:15 Caller Exactly. Oh, the poor thing.

26:16 Adam Yeah, I always love that. All right, we're going to take ourselves a little bit of a break. Christopher McDonald is here tonight. He's been in everything ever produced and stuff hasn't even been thought of yet. He's actually in. So, we'll take a quick break and we'll be right back after this.

26:36 Caller Hello, this is your radio.

26:42 Drew Every hour, two Americans under the age of 25 are infected with HIV.

27:03 Adam That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Christopher McDonald is our guest tonight. Cracking Up is the name of the new series, which is out Tuesday, possibly Monday. There's a little controversy, but it will be Tuesdays at 9.30 on Fox. And 8.30.

27:23 Caller Oh, no, I don't know. I mean, it's after.

27:25 Drew It will start on Tuesday and become Mondays.

27:28 Caller Exactly. It starts on Tuesday, becomes Monday. Yes. And there's a test afterwards.

27:33 Adam Here it says 9.30.

27:34 Drew It's after American Idol.

27:36 Caller Watch American Idol and then we're on right after that. Right.

27:38 Adam And then let me say this. After you're done watching Cracking Up, you switch over to Comedy Central and you watch Crank Yankers, which is almost the same thing because that's the delightful puppet show Tuesday nights on Comedy Central 10.30.

27:52 Caller It's too funny, that show.

27:54 Adam You like that show?

27:54 Caller It makes me laugh.

27:55 Adam Good. It's our show. Yeah. Let's talk to Amy, who's 15 years of age. Amy?

28:05 Oh, hi.

28:07 Adam What's happening?

28:09 Well, my boyfriend and I, we've been going out for about five months and we finally decided that we wanted to have sex for the first time. We tried to do it like two days ago and it just wouldn't fit.

28:24 Drew How old is your boyfriend?

28:26 He's 15 too.

28:28 Drew Well, what's your question?

28:30 Well, I want to know how I can get it to work without like-

28:35 Drew This is basically your body saying it may not be ready for this. It's usually actually nervousness and anxiety that creates that kind of problem.

28:43 Really?

28:44 Drew Yeah. So maybe it's just you guys are pushing along too fast here, huh, Amy?

28:49 I didn't hear you.

28:50 Caller What?

28:51 Drew Maybe you're moving these things along too quickly.

28:53 Adam It could have been, no. Sometimes guys are confused. They go different directions, different places.

29:00 Caller No.

29:02 Adam Hey, Amy. Well, did it kind of fit or just not?

29:07 It kind of fit, but I don't really know how to explain it.

29:14 Drew It hurt.

29:15 Yeah.

29:17 Caller But I have another question.

29:18 Is it true that when you become sexually active, you have to get like something stuck up you like a Q-tip or something? Like when you become sexually active.

29:29 Drew No.

29:29 Adam If you're being sexually active with me, you'll get a Q-tip. Equivalent.

29:32 Drew Equivalent.

29:33 No, it's like a Q-tip.

29:34 Adam Equivalent with Q-tip.

29:36 Drew Yeah.

29:36 Adam Q-tip.

29:38 Drew There's no such thing.

29:39 Caller At least two Q-tips.

29:40 Drew Just relax. You're fine.

29:41 Adam It's one and a half. I mean, it's one and once with the extra cotton on the end.

29:46 Drew We'll be fair.

29:47 Adam Yeah.

29:47 Drew I'll give you that. No, no, Amy. Relax. This is all a sign that you shouldn't be doing this.

29:53 Caller Wait two years, Amy.

29:54 Caller Yeah, at least two years.

29:57 Adam There's a magic genie that comes in the bedroom at night.

30:01 Drew It's a magic gene that finally turns on in your head. Say that again? Of what?

30:07 Do you think it would be easier?

30:08 Drew No, it's actually, no, no, no.

30:10 Adam No?

30:10 Drew This is about your readiness for all this and your anxiety.

30:13 Okay, so how long should I wait?

30:15 Adam Two years. Five years.

30:16 Caller Eight years.

30:17 Adam Nine years. Add all those numbers up. Okay. See you, Mary. Yeah, you're not ready. Slow down. What's the big hurry?

30:26 Well, I don't know.

30:29 Adam Your pressure. When are you going to be 16, by the way?

30:32 In May.

30:34 Adam May what?

30:36 May 15. Ah. Yeah.

30:39 Adam I thought that was my birthday.

30:40 Caller The Ides of May.

30:43 Adam You want to know, like I said, you want to know how you're self-absorbed in conceited. I will actually, when I watch like Entertainment Tonight, they'll go, Celebrity Birthday is coming up. It's March. My birthday is at the end of May. I'm thinking, please say me. Please say Adam Carolla. Now, first off, they wouldn't say it on my birthday. Right. Certainly not three months from my birthday. Do other human beings do? I go, come on, give it. Give me some sugar. Come on, Adam. Come on, Adam. It's like, it's like trying to win. It's trying to get a lot of numbers when you didn't buy a ticket. It's like, oh, please, let me be the winning lot. I think I don't even have the ticket. Let me please mention my birthday. Here's my fantasy where they go. Celebrity birthdays, um, Christopher McDonald, Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla, even though it's not his birthday, his birthday is coming up in a mere 66 days. So keep that in mind. And of course, when it is actually his birthday, we'll be counting down.

31:40 Caller We just want to celebrate. Only 43 days left.

31:43 Adam We'll give all the birthdays out and then at the end we'll tack on the date, the date count to Adam Corolla's birthday. That's my fantasy. Please say my birthday.

31:53 Caller It could happen.

31:54 Adam It could happen. I got to get to Pat O'Brien. All right. Um, they never do their own, by the way, shouldn't they? I would insist on doing my own. That'd be the only celebrity birthday.

32:04 Drew And you'd insist on a countdown.

32:06 Adam Once, once a year I would do celebrity birthdays. Mwah. All right. She got to slow it down. Now, here's what I'm saying, and you guys have daughters, so now you want to hold out, but I mean, would you agree with me that there's a pretty good difference between 15 and 16 on the girl's permanent record?

32:26 Drew Yes. Not just her record, but her brain is the situation.

32:29 Adam Well, her permanent record for her and for others. Later on, you know, she's married, she's got a family, she's whatever, you get into that conversation once you lose your virginity. 16 is sort of like, okay, 15, the guy goes, kind of loose skin, skanky man, boy, not quite a run for it. But I don't know why.

32:50 Drew I mean, and it's really, it's like, technically, well, interestingly, it's an interesting instinct because the fact is that the brain evolves quite a bit from 15 to 16. And the neurological and cognitive development is different at 16 than 15.

33:03 Adam For me, it's about driving. You know, people with a license should be getting laid. And people without a license got no business getting laid.

33:11 Drew Okay.

33:11 Adam You see what I'm saying? It's just, she's gonna be, she's gonna be 16 in a month and a half.

33:18 Drew Just hold on. That was in the journals. Yes, yes. People, in fact, to quote, people aren't driving, have no business getting, have you got a license now? Yeah.

33:26 Caller Okay.

33:27 Adam Celebrity birthday's coming up. Only 144 more days until Adam Corolla's birthday. Emma.

33:37 Caller Hi.

33:37 Adam Emma, you're 23. What's up? Yeah.

33:44 Caller Around then. And? I guess.

33:48 Adam Three weeks, three weeks ago?

33:50 Caller Yeah. I think it was around then, three, four weeks ago, maybe.

33:53 Drew You're having a flashback.

33:54 Adam That would have been 72 days to Adam Corolla's birthday.

34:00 Caller Do the math.

34:01 Adam Do the math.

34:02 Drew You have a female roommate you're going to?

34:05 Caller Yes.

34:05 Drew You're going to get together?

34:07 Adam Yeah.

34:11 Drew That was a good one. I remember and I remember in my recollection is we told you not to do it.

34:19 Caller Well.

34:20 Adam Well, what did she do?

34:21 Caller We drank a little too much and we ended up messing around, fooling around.

34:26 Drew Best friend, female, girlfriend for like nine years.

34:29 Caller Yeah.

34:29 Drew Okay. Hooked up, had sex, roommates.

34:32 Caller Well, I talked to you guys for about for quite a while. And Adam basically said everything would be okay because there's no deep routed feelings and blah, blah, blah. And not to really worry about it. But we hadn't spoken. Me and my best friend hadn't spoken in a couple of days because we had different schedules, you know.

34:52 Adam It's just a sidebar. I really hope I didn't use the phrase deep routed.

34:59 Drew I doubt you did.

35:00 Adam Thank you.

35:01 Drew So, Emma, so now it's weird, right?

35:03 Caller So, but anyways, when I did end up talking to you about it and I was kind of thinking everything would be okay, things didn't really go the way that I planned with it. And she said that she thinks that because we've been friends for so long and that this did happen between us, that she thinks there's more to it.

35:25 Adam All right. So, look, she's into you and you're not into her.

35:29 Caller Well, yeah, but we're best friends. But she says that she thinks that, well, because I haven't been with a guy in like a year. And she thinks that I'm kind of like withholding feelings.

35:43 Drew What is your question?

35:44 Caller She knows.

35:44 Adam All right. Emma, Emma, you must be a hot chick because only hot chicks amble on this long and don't think they're boring. You definitely got that hot chick thing where it's like, you know, here's a problem with hot chicks. Society doesn't go, hey, shut up. Jesus Christ. I'm trying to watch a game. You know, all society does with hot chicks? Oh, yeah. And then anyway, I was thinking about going down to my roommate. Let's get it. Hey, hey, let's pace it up now. Come on. I'm going to hit you with the flashlight. That means wrap it up. No, it's like it's a hot chicks egg. They can't edit themselves. You know what they're like? Hot chicks are like, they're like dictators in Banana Republic.

36:28 Drew Oh, yes.

36:28 Adam You know, Fidel Castro just gets up there. He talks for nine hours straight about when he was a boy, he used to play baseball. And everyone's like, oh, god damn, I want to kill myself. But no one's like, hey.

36:39 Drew Old man.

36:42 Adam Let's pick it up. I got a life to lead out here. No, no one does it. Hot chicks and leaders from Banana Republic are like, hey, let's pick it up. I got a life to lead out here. Emma's got to be hot.

36:58 Drew Emma, you got to be hot or or the president of the US or the way, which is it? Costa Rica president.

37:03 Adam What's that?

37:03 Caller I said, but that doesn't have anything to do with the situation, though.

37:06 Drew So what is the question?

37:07 Adam But you are you are hot. Yes.

37:09 Caller Yes.

37:10 Adam Shocking.

37:11 Drew What is the question?

37:12 Caller The question is, well, my roommate, I'm sorry, I have a bit of a cold. I'm getting a dry throat here.

37:22 Drew We all care.

37:23 Caller My roommate thinks that there is a lot more to the situation and we live together.

37:27 Drew Emma, we got all that. What can we do to help?

37:30 Caller I'm just saying. Do you think that I should reconsider, even though that I don't necessarily agree with the way that.

37:35 Adam No, you're going to lead her on. No more. I don't know. Leave us alone. She called us three weeks ago, wanted to know if she should do something with this, Jack. We told her no. And then she went ahead and did it. Now she's calling us again, wanting to know what's about reconsidering.

37:49 Drew Total chaos. Emma, are you a recovering person? Are you trying to be a recovering person? Emma, are you a drug addict at one time? Are you a drug addict?

38:01 Caller No.

38:01 Drew Adam, are you a drug addict? So you're not in any kind of recovery?

38:09 Caller No. I'm fine.

38:12 Adam Well, stop acting like you're high then. You're going to screw up with this chick.

38:18 Drew You're going to have to get out of this. I think really you're going to have to reestablish boundaries. You've got to move out. You've got to establish a relationship again on a friendship basis. Move in with Christopher.

38:29 Adam Just go over there.

38:30 Drew Arrowhead. Perfect.

38:31 Adam You've got to move up there. Get lost. You know what you need? You need some fresh air. You need some mountain air. Hey, Drew, what happened in the old days when a doctor told you to get some air?

38:40 Drew I know. Or smoke cigarettes.

38:42 Adam That'd be a good day. You know, you need to relax with some non-filtered cigarettes up in the mountains where the air is thin. Go up the mile high and smoke some Lucky Strikes. That'd be a great doctor. More doctors recommend Lucky Strikes than any other filterless cigarette. What the hell were you guys thinking back then? Your dad's a doctor. What was he doing? I would have liked to be a doctor back then. That's a good gig. I've seen those Westerns.

39:07 Drew Make everybody feel good.

39:08 Adam That guy gets shot and comes in, sorry, there's nothing we can do. Here, here's some scotch. Here's scotch. Here's a rag. I suck getting whiskey.

39:18 Drew Suck on it. Here's these cigarettes. They make you feel good. Go ahead and enjoy.

39:21 Adam Here's some whiskey. Here's some cigarettes. Go up to the mountains. Get drunk. Smoke your brains out. There's nothing we can do. Boy, remember when booze was like medicine?

39:31 Drew Oh, yeah.

39:32 Adam Hey, have a shot and go relax.

39:34 Drew That's all I had. That and laudanum.

39:36 Adam I would have been a good gig that, Doc. You don't have to memorize all those stupid drugs and all the samples. Just look. Here's some booze.

39:45 Drew There's no insurance company telling you what to do.

39:50 Adam Let's take some red meat with you, too. Hit the road.

39:53 Drew All right.

39:54 Adam Christopher McDonald is here tonight cracking up, which is something he's evidently good at, is going to premiere next week. Just here's what you do. You watch American Idol and then that's it. You keep it on and Christopher pops up at a certain point.

40:10 Caller Show's very funny. Now, Mike White, you know, Mike White did the, you know, did that whole, like, School of Rock thing. Oh, very funny guy. He was actually the roommate, too. Oh, really? Yeah, he's very funny.

40:21 Caller Oh, yeah, yeah.

40:23 Caller And he also did, you know, you know, the good girl with Jennifer Aniston.

40:26 Caller Yeah.

40:26 Caller Anyway, he's a very funny guy. And this is his baby. This is his, his, his vision of the sickness of the American thing. He's really trying to push the envelope. He's really, he's ours at computer and head writer. Yeah.

40:37 Adam Wow.

40:38 Caller Yeah, he's terrific.

40:39 Adam Man wears many hats.

40:40 Caller He does.

40:41 Adam Well, take a quick break. We'll be right back.

40:44 Caller Loveline, we'll be right back.

40:46 Drew Thanks.

40:57 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline, I'm Adam. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191, Christopher McDonald is our guest tonight. We had him on Loveline, the TV show. Now I remember.

41:11 Caller It's coming back.

41:12 Adam We found, we got to it. He thought he was on The Man Show. I thought we'd never met before. Somewhere we met in the middle, and it all came back to us, yes?

41:20 Drew Yes.

41:21 Adam And hey, you were one of our favorite guests on that show, and that's why we had to have you back. What's seven years later?

41:28 Caller Just like clockwork.

41:29 Adam Cracking Up is the name of the new show. It is on Fox. It is going to be 9.30, Tuesday night and Wednesday. Two episodes. This is my final story.

41:40 Drew And what is it? Standard night is going to be Tuesday.

41:42 Caller Standard night is going to be Monday at 8.30.

41:45 Adam Okay.

41:46 Caller 7.30 Central.

41:47 Adam But they're going to give it a nice launch after American Idol.

41:51 Drew Here it is.

41:52 Caller Right after the 70s. That 70s show.

41:54 Adam We got it all. We got it all worked out. Denise?

41:57 Yeah.

41:58 Adam How old are you?

42:00 25.

42:01 Adam All right. What's up?

42:03 Huh?

42:04 Adam What's your question?

42:06 Actually, I just need to get some advice.

42:09 Adam All right.

42:10 Okay. Well, I have a pattern of being with guys that need to be fixed in some way or another.

42:20 Adam Right.

42:21 And so I'm thinking that that's like some inner issue that I have that needs to be fixed. And I don't want to follow that pattern anymore.

42:29 Caller All right.

42:31 Drew So get some treatment. Yeah. So get some treatment. That's a good idea.

42:37 Okay. Like what though?

42:39 Adam You got to get a little therapy. Where's your dad? For what?

42:43 He's at home.

42:45 Adam Do you like him?

42:46 My dad?

42:48 Adam Oh, boy.

42:51 I love him.

42:51 Adam It's always a long night. What? I love those. If you could take my radio career and just sum it down into just a quick exchange, this is what it would be. Where's your dad? He's at home. Do you love him? My dad? That would be. That's it. That's it. That's it. At my funeral. That's what's going to be fine.

43:15 Drew On your tombstone.

43:19 Adam Denise? You do. You do love your dad? And your dad didn't cheat on your mom or step out or anything like that?

43:29 Drew Or drink.

43:30 Adam All right. It wasn't a boozer.

43:32 No, he's a recovering alcoholic.

43:34 Adam Okay, but he's not a no, but he's not a drinker.

43:37 Caller Not a boozer at all.

43:38 Adam He's a recovering alcoholic.

43:39 Yeah.

43:40 Drew There you go. Well, that's where that comes from. How about a little al-anon? Absolutely.

43:48 Adam How about some al-anon?

43:50 Drew This kind of caretaking and fixing is real typical of codependency.

43:53 Adam Yeah.

43:53 Drew And an al-anon sponsor and some 12-step yourself may go a long way to improving that. If not, then you got to find yourself an individual therapist and do some work. It's not nuts. It's whatever happened when you were a lot younger that sort of set your notion of yourself in relation to important people in your life. It's obvious. The brain is sort of forming in the earlier years. That's when they had these imprints are left behind. It's certainly a lot better that he's in recovery now.

44:26 Adam I don't think all that much forming went on with Denise. I'm gonna step, no, I'm gonna defend you. I'm defending you here.

44:34 Thank you.

44:41 Adam How old were you when your dad stopped drinking?

44:44 Like 13.

44:45 Adam Oh, no, that's old. That's old in brain years.

44:49 Drew Even if it were four, it would have been old.

44:51 Adam Even if it were four, but if you said four could be a little, eh, 13, that's a big deal. Because by the way, anything after about 12 or 13 doesn't really matter anyway. You can kill you and have sex with you and be like, eh, all right.

45:02 Caller Can I interject something? You say it's crazy to go to a 12-step program like Al-Anon, but you say you want to break the pattern. You're calling for advice, and that's like great advice.

45:14 No, no, no, I meant it's crazy that it would, I didn't think it would have anything to do with my dad.

45:18 Adam Absolutely.

45:20 No, I didn't mean not about that.

45:21 Adam You didn't mean crazy nutty, just crazy on you.

45:26 Drew And look at the guys you've been trying to fix. I bet most of them had a substance problem.

45:30 One of them did a really bad one.

45:32 Drew All right.

45:33 Adam Well, a little Alan on a little therapy. Long walks. Hey, what kind of music you listen to?

45:39 Drew Classical.

45:41 All different kinds, right?

45:43 Adam But all crappy. Listen to some classical music. It'll make you smarter. All right. I really mean it. Your soul thing. I go to my I go to my I'm building a house. I got to yell at these guys all the time. Stop listening to this crap. It clogs your brain with too many too much stuff. You're trying to. You're trying to do calculations. You got some guys screaming at you. Put on some classical and get your focus, everybody. Listen, I don't I don't want to hit a heavy bag and listen to classical. I know where I'm at, Drew. I don't want to hit a heavy bag and I want to do I don't want to hump. Well, maybe I do. Well, here's my point. Listen to some. It frees up your mind a little bit. Sometimes when you're driving, you actually have a thought, you know, you don't have stuff screaming at you all the time. Jazz will work that way, too. Yeah, there's some music that just sort of let you let your mind a little bit of self care, a little self care, everybody took care of a little that the night, by the way, a little self care. That's right.

46:38 Caller I gave that up for Lent.

46:39 Adam Did you? Smart.

46:41 Caller Sacrifice, you know, sweet.

46:43 Adam Yeah, I'd do it, but it would make me I'd be unbearable. Take it.

46:48 Drew Please, dear God in heaven, do not let him give that up for anything.

46:51 Adam No.

46:52 Caller Lent.

46:54 Adam Christopher McDonald is our guest tonight. We're going to take a quick break cracking up. Name of the new show on Fox, 930, coming up next week. Take a quick break. We'll be right back.

47:03 Caller All right, guys, bottom line.

47:04 Caller Here's the deal. Sick of wasting time with the wrong person. One call is all you need to make. Call the Dateline.

47:11 Drew 877-889-DATE.

47:17 Caller Loveline, with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew, 1-800-LOVE-191.

47:35 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. Christopher McDonald is our guest tonight. He and, well, him and Jeremy Piven have been in Ron Jeremy.

47:51 Caller And Ron Jeremy.

47:51 Drew Covers all cinematic frontiers.

47:54 Adam I'm just saying, I really think Christopher has done more legitimate films than Ron has done porn. Wow. That's what I would say.

48:02 Caller Thank you so much.

48:03 Adam He's done over 2,600 films, over 400 year career. Still averages to nine movies a month. So he's really, he's really to fever pace. And he's got a new TV show out called, well, it's coming out next week. It's called Cracking Up. It's on Fox. It's Tuesday. It's Wednesday. It's every night on Fox. Just watch American Idol.

48:29 Caller That's right.

48:29 Adam And then after that, it's on.

48:31 Caller It's the big push. Watch America.

48:33 Adam 9.30. I'll tell you about American Idol for just one second. I just, okay, got a couple of things to say about that show. I don't understand why it's so compelling. Like, here's the whole thing. Simon is mildly amusing, mildly. I mean, and just the fact that he cracked some nuts. He's never funny or witty. It's just kind of fun to watch him dress somebody down. But it's never done in an amazingly clever way. It's just, he tells the person they have no business even thinking that they can sing, which is nice and uncomfortable, but it's not exactly laugh-out-loud funny. The other two, what's his name and what's her nose?

49:17 Drew Randy and...

49:18 Caller Randy and...

49:19 Adam Yeah, almost sort of... Paula and Randy, nothing against them. They're dear friends. They're dear, dear friends. They're dear friends. Dear.

49:26 Drew Randy's dear, dear, dear friend.

49:28 Adam Dear, dear, dear. Sort of non-entities. I mean, really, when you just sort of break it down. I realize you need a straight man if you're going to have a comedian and all that kind of stuff. You can't have three guys out there busting chops. But Paula and him, kind of non-entities. And then you get a little nut busting and then the cavalcade of people that sort of can't sing. But I don't get down to it and you start voting and start following people and all that.

49:56 Caller Why is it compelling is the question, right? Why do people watch train wrecks? Why do people?

50:01 Adam Yeah. I mean, I understand. Well, maybe you pick a favorite. Now that we're at the stage where you pick a favorite and this is the person you want. For the first, you know, eight episodes when there's just loser after loser getting up singing karaoke and Simon going, you got no business being in this business. I said, just sitting there drinking a Diet Coke on a folding table. Is that like super compelling television?

50:24 Drew My kids watch that. My kids watch that.

50:26 Caller Absolutely.

50:27 Drew Yeah, they watch it. They like to see the bad ones.

50:29 Caller Yeah. This is what it gets me.

50:31 Adam What dimples in Burbank? You want to see bad? That's bad.

50:34 Caller What makes these people think they can get up and become an American Idol? They don't.

50:39 Adam I don't think they.

50:40 Caller Who encourages them to go? Well, this is their show. There's 12 seconds of fame.

50:43 Drew Some feel like if they're ultra bad, they'll get on TV. And so they just go do that.

50:47 Adam All right. I just wonder if some of it is just sort of hype on hype and buzz on buzz and the reason the kids watch is because they don't want to show up Wednesday and not have anything to talk about with the other kids. But it's just in terms of it just doesn't seem that clever or compelling at all. I'm not trying to be a snob. There's plenty of crap I like. It just this and I just watch it and I go, really? This is it? This is the big show?

51:10 Drew But I feel that we have most all reality TV, too.

51:14 Adam Yeah, I know. But Survivor is a really good show. I mean, it's well done. And The Great Race was, I think, was called The Great Race, where they raced around, whatever. I mean, it was an interesting show. It was sort of well done.

51:29 Caller But I know people who just literally are compelled to watch The Bachelor or The Bachelorette or my big fat obnoxious fiance.

51:38 Adam You see, I get uncomfortable watching a guy like make out with the chick and then the chick goes on a date with the next guy and she's making out with him and the guy's trying to like say to her, look, I need you to promise me you won't. And she's going, well, I got to I got to I got to blow dirt in about 20 minutes. So if we could just remind us of our high school experience, it's just the whole thing is uncomfortable to me. And then they go meet the part where they go meet the parents. I couldn't be more uncomfortable. It just I don't know why. Maybe that feels good to people. Somewhere we decided that the eavesdropping on uncomfortable conversations with potential in-laws and watching guys devour a goat intestine with their hands duct tape behind their back on Fear Factor. Somehow this is now a good thing.

52:31 Caller I ate the most intestines.

52:32 Adam Yeah, it's like I'm physically like holding my hand up in front of the TV and running out of the room, holding my ears and stuff like it's still uncomfortable. What are we doing here, Drew? Who do you want to talk to? Veronica. Veronica. You're 24.

52:52 Caller I have a question about anesthesia.

52:55 Adam All right.

52:57 Caller I'm planning to do a breast lift tomorrow. I go and talk to my surgeon and I'm really freaked out about what the effects are going to do to my body because heart disease runs in my family and I'm taking caffeine pills and I just don't know if that's going to have a horrible effect on me.

53:13 Drew Whoa, Veronica, you've got a lot of information.

53:15 Adam You're nutty, baby.

53:16 Drew Yeah.

53:16 Caller I'm not nutty.

53:17 Drew Well, you're...

53:18 Adam Well, then you're stupid, so go with nutty.

53:21 Drew You must have some sort of body dysmorphic problem, at least if not an eating disorder.

53:25 Caller I got pregnant when I was 15 and I think getting pregnant just kind of interfered with the development of my breasts.

53:31 Adam Hold on. Pregnant at 15? I'm going to say it's perfectly normal, perfectly healthy.

53:37 Drew Good. I thought you were shocked.

53:38 Adam And pregnant at 15.

53:40 Drew Did you see the pregnancy through?

53:43 Caller Yes. And I'm successful. I graduated from high school and everything. It's just now that.

53:48 Drew But the caffeine pills.

53:51 Caller Hold on.

53:52 Drew Hold on.

53:52 Caller Red flag.

53:53 Drew The caffeine pills. That's what I'm sort of reacting to. Yeah. I think how bizarre that thinking is that I'm taking caffeine pills, a stimulant that can accelerate heart disease and whatnot. And I'm worried about anesthesia. But I'm not going to stop taking the caffeine pills.

54:08 Adam The way she said she was taking the caffeine pills is sort of like she was doing it to prevent heart trouble.

54:13 Drew Yeah, no, the caffeine pills are something to do with her body image stuff. See? You have an eating disorder.

54:19 Caller Well, I eat like once a day.

54:22 Drew So there's an eating problem, or at least there's a body image problem.

54:25 Caller Yeah.

54:26 Drew And now this whole idea of a breast lift, there's basically no such thing as a breast lift.

54:30 Adam Well, I've gone around and around with this, is I know I study the breast. That's my Moby Dick.

54:35 Drew I know.

54:36 Adam The elusive breast. I may have. I'm going to get one one day. I've talked to doctors about this. They do boob jobs, but then I was talking to one saying, oh no, they do lifts. Marcel.

54:51 Drew They used to.

54:51 Adam Here's the thing about most plastic surgeons. They're so coked up all the time that you really, they don't know what they're talking about. You talk to them one day, they don't even remember having the conversation because they're so busy doing coke and playing with their pinky ring. They fiddle with their pinky ring and they do coke and you just go, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

55:12 Drew Do you know for a fact that this is someone that will do a lift or they're going to do some implants?

55:16 Caller I mean, I've gotten information in the mail and they've sent me papers explaining to me the actual procedure and tomorrow I'm going to go and talk with him and he's going to give me his input because I really don't want to get implants.

55:29 Adam You're not getting the anesthesia tomorrow.

55:31 Caller No, no, no, no. I'm just, tomorrow I'm going to go and talk to him to see if this is really the thing that I want to do.

55:37 Adam Well, look, hopefully he's a reputable guy.

55:40 Drew It's just, I worry about the idea of a breast lift. You may want to get other opinions.

55:45 Adam You know, just talk to him, see what he has to say. Marcel said they did do it last time, but again, pretty coked up. But hey, Veronica, listen, listen, you got bigger fish to fry than your saggy breasts.

55:56 Drew Yeah. The anesthesia is for a 24 year old is nothing.

55:59 Caller Yes. But it has risk.

56:01 Drew It has risk. It's not, it's not, people can die in anesthesia, but it's not going to be because you have coronary artery disease at 24. Right. That's absurd.

56:10 Adam And by the way, what do you mean it runs in your family?

56:12 Caller My dad had seven bypasses a couple years back.

56:15 Drew Was he a smoker?

56:15 Caller So, you know, my grandparents have died of heart problems.

56:21 Adam Was your dad a smoker?

56:22 Caller Yeah, he was a big time smoker.

56:25 Drew All right, well that's a different situation.

56:26 Adam By the way, let me explain something to Christopher. When we get just a non-answer, that's usually yes. Yeah, okay. They're sort of like kids. I just sort of hope you go away with it. Was he a smoker? My grandparents. It's like you interrupted. How dare you inject logic into my sort of dark fantasy. He's a chick eating a coronary. Oh, please.

56:48 Drew But Veronica, you really...

56:49 Adam And by the way, everyone's grandparents die of heart disease. Veronica?

56:55 Drew Yeah, just don't smoke cigarettes and get off the caffeine pills and deal with this body dysmorphic problem you have. It's a much more serious issue.

57:01 Adam You're going to screw up your kid.

57:02 Caller I don't think so.

57:06 Adam I know so. Because mommy's a little nutty. I know, but nutty enough to screw with the kid. Okay, now that's nutty. You see? All right, so look.

57:19 Caller Well, you guys didn't help me out.

57:21 Adam Look, here's what we told you. We told you to start focusing on what we're interested in, which is the body dysmorphic thing, and not your heart disease.

57:29 Drew And the heart… And what I am telling you…

57:31 Caller I'm worried that I'm going to be having this two-hour long surgery, and my heart's going to go into failure.

57:36 Drew Veronica, that is not going to happen.

57:39 Adam Would you give your kid away and let someone say anything, please?

57:42 Drew You didn't hear a thing I said. Your dad was a smoker who had heart disease. It may have nothing to do with heritable disorders, and it has nothing to do with a female at 24 who's a non-smoker. And if you actually want to do something for your heart, stop taking the caffeine pills, and that's not going to happen unless you deal with your body image problems. You got it?

58:00 Adam All right. Good luck. Just stop cranking out the kids. That's all. That's all I'm asking. No one's going to do anything for themselves. Everyone's an idiot. They're so caught in their own drama, they're not going to move. You've got a doctor yelling at her for 10 minutes. She comes exactly back to where she started with. Just stop screwing up the kids. That's all. Stop spitting out the kids, everybody. That's your legacy. Bunch of screwed up kids that I got to pay for. Just stop it. Just go do your hair. And let me tell you something about hairdressers. I think this is a syndrome that someone's got to look into. I call it aqualung. It's not a Jethro Tull. They suck up too much aquanet and it makes them nuts. I think my sister, I think this happened to my sister. They suck up so much hairspray. I mean, you think about it.

58:50 Caller All they do all day is shh. A lot of chemicals.

58:56 Adam They're just a cloud of carbon just around their head. I think their brain gets deprived of oxygen and it damages the small vessels that process a common thought, rational thought. And they just, and here's the thing, now, hairdressers start off stupid and can, you know what hairdressers, you know, everyone's like, hey, why are our boxers so dumb? Boxers are dumb because A, they start dumb and then they have someone beat the ass out of their head for 20 years and that's why they're dumb, but they're not like, it's not like these are the great minds of the world who then got into boxing. These are guys with ninth grade educations who then, you know, endure a lot of head trauma. Yeah, hairdressers. Hairdressers start off dumb and then they get the aqua-brain, or the aquanet, just a constant. Drew, please tell me, I'm on to something here. There's no smart hairdressers. You're talking to a smart hairdresser? Yeah. No. Those are the ones who use gel. The ones who use the spray.

59:57 Drew Okay, I'll give you that. I'll give you that.

1:00:00 Caller I almost had to stand up for a minute because they save our lives every morning, you know.

1:00:03 Adam But they use gel. Those are gels.

1:00:05 Caller I'm a gel.

1:00:05 Drew It's ozone.

1:00:07 Caller I'm gelling.

1:00:07 Drew It's ozone from the spray.

1:00:09 Adam We need to start doing a study running PET scans of hairdressers and you will see, like I'll be there with a pointer stick. Do you see the dark, do you see the dark, okay. Note it, let me get, I'll have my laser pointer. You see this dark area here? That's the part the aquanet has destroyed. That's the part of the brain that's used. That's the caffeine pills. Now Veronica, she's going to land on her feet, that kid. She's a dynamite lady. Yes. Kate. Oh Kate.

1:00:49 Drew You're way off, Adam. You're way off. How dare you?

1:00:52 Adam What's happening, baby doll?

1:00:54 Caller I have a question, first of all, about birth control.

1:00:57 Adam All righty.

1:00:58 Caller And how long am I supposed to wait before I have sex?

1:01:02 Drew One cycle.

1:01:02 Caller If I get on it.

1:01:03 Drew One packet.

1:01:05 Caller A whole packet?

1:01:05 Drew A whole packet.

1:01:07 Caller Oh.

1:01:07 Drew Best to wait. Best to wait.

1:01:09 Caller Well, is that 30 days, right?

1:01:10 Drew 30 days. Some people say the triphasic pills, you can get going right away, but.

1:01:14 Well, what about that?

1:01:17 Adam Well, easy for you. You're not horny.

1:01:19 Drew The safest thing is to.

1:01:20 Adam I mean, you are horny, but you got somewhere to put it. If I told you to wait 30 days, a man of your passion.

1:01:27 Drew How dare you?

1:01:28 Adam You would explode. Explode with passion. There's a passion at man, Kate.

1:01:35 Caller And my second question was, what are the actual effects of cocaine on your body? Like what does it do to you?

1:01:43 Drew Most of the damaging effect of cocaine is caused by constriction of blood vessels. And so the organs that have delicate small vessels like the kidney, brain, and heart, when those things constrict, well it really is the kidney and brain, you can get strokes, you can get kidney failure. And in the heart where the blood has to be supplied very efficiently when you cause constriction of blood vessels, the flow is restricted considerably and you get heart attacks.

1:02:11 Adam Yeah, not so bad for you though really, right?

1:02:13 Drew So really, well cocaine, the main issue with cocaine is surviving the use. If you survive the use, there's usually not a lot of chronic damage left.

1:02:22 Adam Heroin, not bad, right?

1:02:24 Drew Heroin, opiates are not bad for you. They just cause horrible addiction.

1:02:27 Caller Crack, how's a crack? Because you have to smoke crack.

1:02:30 Drew Yeah, crack is just more addictive cocaine.

1:02:32 Caller Yeah, but you have to smoke it. That affects your lungs, which is...

1:02:35 Drew Well the lung issue is mostly they can cause a vasculitis or what's called an alveolitis where the small little air sacs can become inflamed and break down and stuff.

1:02:43 Caller Good thing I quit that.

1:02:45 Adam Yeah, it's been almost an hour since Christopher's picked up the crack vibe. I don't know if you call it quit.

1:02:51 Caller No, I put it down.

1:02:52 Drew He stopped.

1:02:56 Caller So a couple of times aren't going to really hurt me?

1:02:58 Adam Well here's the thing, and really this is the part that people don't factor in, the addiction part. That can really hurt you.

1:03:07 Drew Right. That A and B, nowhere in what I said did I say that one time couldn't hurt you.

1:03:14 Adam Well, you kind of did.

1:03:15 Drew Did I? I said you don't know. I said you have to survive the use. And so each time you use it, there's a, you know, you hear cases, although I'm sure it's not the case, but you know, Mr. So-and-so, you know, what was the-

1:03:27 Adam Len bias.

1:03:27 Drew Len bias. He never tried cocaine before. He took one hit, pow, as hard as he could.

1:03:31 Adam I always believe that's just a bunch of spinning going on by Nancy Reagan and company. Just idea that here's a guy, he was an athlete, his body was a temple. He did half a rail of blow to celebrate thing and pow goes into a coronary like the, like the horse that has a heart attack on Animal House and goes down. Well, A, he was probably doing tons of blow up leading it to that point. And then B, probably got a Scarface sized pile of coke and was doing it all night. We love to just paint that picture of the guy does a little bump and like just has a coronary collapse.

1:04:09 Drew But what's interesting to note is though that everyone accepted that story because it is a possibility. It is a possibility.

1:04:16 Caller If it keeps one person from using the drug, they've succeeded.

1:04:20 Adam That's right.

1:04:20 Drew And true.

1:04:21 Adam What would, and I don't know if you can quantify this, but obviously doing a pile of cocaine is going to jack you up, but what if I just drew myself up just a very small line of coke? Is it, would that be the equivalent to four cups of coffee? Does it work that way? Do you know what I'm saying?

1:04:45 Drew It doesn't work that way.

1:04:46 Adam It's a totally different mechanism.

1:04:49 Drew It has a completely unique mechanism and in terms of its effect on the organs, that constricting property is unique to cocaine.

1:04:56 Adam Oh, it is.

1:04:57 Drew Absolutely. And in terms of the effect on the brain, it has a specific, it's different than amphetamine, it's different than caffeine. Caffeine is an adenosine system, it's totally, totally different.

1:05:07 Caller Now Dr. Drew, tell me this, what about the things, the agents they cut it with? You don't know when you buy your cocaine on the street, what do they cut?

1:05:14 Drew That's always a concern, but rarely, every addict I know is wanting to blame everything on that, I rarely encounter real problems with anything other than the drugs themselves.

1:05:24 Adam I'll tell you, it's a testament to the pushers and dealers of this country.

1:05:28 Drew That they cut it with benign things.

1:05:30 Adam Well, I mean you hear about this all the time, it's like, yeah, you got yourself a kilo of coke, you want to stretch it out, you want to step on it, as Christopher talks about off the air, you know, when he sends his assistant to score, he says, do not get the stuff that's been stepped on too many times. And, and you think, all right, well, you want to stretch this kilo out, you want to make it into three kilos and make three times the money. And you always hear about these, oh, they put rat poison and baby powder or whatever, but it really, if you think about the, the, the, the black market drug world, it really says everything you need to know about free enterprise, which is we don't, you don't need the government, you don't need regulations, you don't need price fixing, you don't need subsidies, you don't need anything. Here's the deal.

1:06:20 Drew Here's the deal.

1:06:20 Adam If your dealer starts putting rat poison in the Coke you buy from, you lose the business immediately. And the dealer realizes, better to make some profit, you know, I don't have to make a killing and literally not have the guy show up, you know, killed, not show up ever again. I'd rather make, I'd rather make 50% and Ham show up every week than make 150% and Ham, this will be the last time he shows up. You know what, think about it, I mean, think about these are, these are essentially criminals in drug addicts, but this is the free, this is the fair market, the free market system just at work. Even these people, they don't need any regulations, no OSHA, there's no FDA, there's no anything.

1:07:01 Caller Fundamentals right there.

1:07:02 Drew They do it right.

1:07:03 Adam They deliver a consistent and arguably safe product, right? I mean, as safe as that product can be, and consistently, and they know it because they want their customers to return.

1:07:18 Drew I was reading an article today that they were, there's some evidence that-

1:07:20 Adam Thank you.

1:07:21 Drew Black tar heroin may be less likely to cause HIV transmission because it clogs the syringes and causes the addicts to throw them away and use new syringes.

1:07:31 Adam That's right. That's always been a black tar fan. Again, Christopher, off the air, spoken freely about this. Freely. I held a god damn seminar on black tar during the last commercial. I don't even remember that, Drew.

1:07:44 Drew Yeah, I did. I didn't know you were going to mention it on the air, but I appreciate it.

1:07:47 Adam Preachy.

1:07:47 Caller You're kind of like, yeah, mm-hmm.

1:07:49 Adam Let's take ourselves a-

1:07:50 Drew China White, he said, is bad. Little bright.

1:07:53 Adam Yeah, it says some bad stuff going around. He says he's going to get to the bottom of it.

1:07:57 Drew Whose assistant was it?

1:07:59 Adam Christopher McDonald is here tonight. Take your time, Adam, it's a very busy dealing schedule to come in and be with us tonight. We'll take a quick break, we'll be right back. 1-800-LOVE-191 Hey, buddy, it's Loveline, I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, Christopher McDonald this year. He's not only a great actor, but a great listener. He agrees with almost everything I say.

1:08:39 Drew That makes somebody great, huh?

1:08:41 Adam That makes him a great, great mind. Drew, as you know, there's two types of great minds. There's yours, there's mine, and then there's those who nod their head while I'm talking. That takes a big man. And let me tell you something, Chris is his own man. He's not some shill for the man. He's his own man. He knows when a great idea passes.

1:09:08 Drew Tonight, many great ideas have crossed his ears.

1:09:11 Adam We could drive across country. No problem, Chris.

1:09:14 Caller No problem.

1:09:15 Adam Meet the wheel. You nodding your head. Me nodding. Once in a while, you dose off, I shoot you an elbow to the rib, you pop up. It's good to be nodding when you hum.

1:09:29 Drew Just a note, there will be no dosing off. He's the one that doses off. That's when you get your break. Otherwise, don't even try. I got to dose off.

1:09:38 Adam Me throwing the elbow to Chris. Where do you want to eat? Yeah, I agree. 100%. That's right. You're the boss. You're right. You are. I should be writing this down.

1:09:50 Drew Genius, I tell you. All right.

1:09:52 Adam Cracking Up is the name of the show. Tuesday nights on Fox. Fox is really doing some interesting programming these days. They just did that married with children thing for a long time. It was like that was what they were doing. Then all of a sudden, a little that 70s show and some Malcolm in the middle and some other. Even stuff that didn't work out. Like wasn't Andy Richter controls the universe?

1:10:20 Drew I think so.

1:10:21 Caller I think it was.

1:10:21 Adam Yeah. That's some intro tried been trying. Yeah, that was a good show. This didn't didn't work out. But it's a rabbit show. Oh, yeah. Floppy Sarah was in that. I can't even think of it.

1:10:34 Caller You know, in the vein of all those great ones, they have the staples, the you know, the Simpsons, the King of the Hill. Irreverent, really funny, really pushing the limit of comedy. That's what we're trying to do with cracking up.

1:10:45 Caller So, Jimmy, yeah, what's up?

1:10:48 Drew You're not going to have 30 Tuesday, Wednesday.

1:10:49 Adam Yeah, that's right. What's happening?

1:10:53 Caller Well, I was with my girlfriend for about two and a half years.

1:10:56 Caller And I was like nothing but the nicest guy to her and her kids.

1:11:00 Caller And she ends up leaving me for ex-boyfriend.

1:11:02 Drew How many kids does she have? How many kids does she have?

1:11:08 Caller I don't hear what she said.

1:11:09 Drew How many kids does she have?

1:11:10 Caller Yes, too.

1:11:11 Caller I'm sorry.

1:11:11 Caller She has two kids.

1:11:13 Drew How old is she?

1:11:14 Caller She's 35.

1:11:15 Drew And is this the father of those children?

1:11:18 Caller No, but he was with her when she was pregnant with her youngest.

1:11:22 Drew Say she was 35?

1:11:23 Caller Yeah, she's 35.

1:11:24 Drew She's a good bit older than you. You're 25.

1:11:27 Caller Yeah, I'm 25.

1:11:29 Adam Okay. Here's the thing, Jimmy. You dodged a bullet. He really did. That chick's old. She's chaotic. She's a little nutty. She's got chaos in her veins.

1:11:42 Drew I understand, Jimmy, you were the nice guy that was going to rescue her and make everything well good for her. And you need to do that and you're driven to do that. But the reality is she needs chaos and she needs a guy that is abandoning and a little more abusive than yourself. And I know that's a hard one for you to swallow and you can't understand it and why could she and he's such an idiot. That's the point. He is an idiot.

1:12:01 Adam Yeah. He's a jerk. That's the point. Who could leave Jimmy with these riveting conversations? Man, the guy's like an auctioneer. I gotta get my scratch pad here, Drew. These pearls of wisdom. Jesus Christ. Jimmy, you could drive cross country with me and Christopher. Perfect. Put you in the backseat. He agrees. No talking, though. Just nodding. No radio either.

1:12:29 Drew You don't know what?

1:12:30 Caller I seem to be with every single girlfriend I've had. She's been older and has kids.

1:12:37 Adam Listen to me.

1:12:38 Drew What did he say?

1:12:38 Adam He said every girl he's been with has been older and has kids.

1:12:42 Drew You have to fix it. You need to fix them.

1:12:43 Adam Yeah.

1:12:43 Drew You need to rescue them.

1:12:44 Adam You're the handyman.

1:12:46 Drew Read my book Cracked. I wrote about the source of, not to be confused, the cracking up. I wrote about the source of the whole rescue impulse. Hopefully, that book will speak to a little bit about that.

1:12:55 Adam Jimmy?

1:12:56 Caller Yeah.

1:12:57 Adam Find yourself a nice 23-year-old chick who doesn't have any baggage, who likes you for you and wants to just have a good time.

1:13:08 Caller I can't stop you. All I find is the older one.

1:13:10 Drew No, that's all you're attracted to.

1:13:12 Adam That's all you're into.

1:13:13 Drew You got to not go for things you find so attractive. Go for things that are a little less exciting.

1:13:18 Adam Yeah. Just regular. Just find some dumb chick who's nice.

1:13:21 Drew That's all I can find.

1:13:23 Adam All you can find is married, I mean, is moms, old moms.

1:13:29 Drew Single moms.

1:13:30 Adam Really? I never found one of those. I mean, it was an attempt not to find them, it was a conscious attempt. But I mean, look, they're easy pickings. Because they're really, let's face it, they got the salvage on their registration. They're wrecks, you know what I mean? You get them cheap. They're easy to get.

1:13:53 Caller Who's going to want me? I'm married.

1:13:55 Adam I got a couple of stretch marks and I got the tattoo of the old man who beat on me and now he's split. It's easy pickings and that's why they're easy to gobble up. But there's a reason why they got a kid from this guy and a kid from another guy and maybe a kid from a third guy and none of the dads are in the kids' lives. And just take a look at the past, everybody. Just if you want to know what the future is, take a look at the past. And Drew, this is why I say we need to bomb Germany.

1:14:26 Drew Because...

1:14:27 Adam Take a look at the past.

1:14:28 Drew Look at the past.

1:14:29 Adam At the past, you know, those people are gearing up for something as we speak. Listen, look at the past.

1:14:37 Drew I'm looking.

1:14:39 Adam Let's get them. All right. Faith?

1:14:44 Yes?

1:14:45 Adam You're 22?

1:14:46 Caller Yes.

1:14:47 Adam What's up?

1:14:48 Caller I mean, no problem. Getting pregnant.

1:14:51 Adam All right. Why? You're only 22? Yes, that seems that's young, right?

1:15:00 Caller Yeah.

1:15:01 Adam Why do you want to get pregnant so young?

1:15:04 Caller So young. I have a child. She's four and she'll be five in April.

1:15:10 Drew So you had your first child at 17? And you don't think that's young?

1:15:17 Caller Yeah, I think that's young.

1:15:18 Caller Are you married?

1:15:21 Caller No.

1:15:23 Drew How about marriage? What about getting a partner to help you with these kids?

1:15:27 Caller Her father, I don't really talk to him.

1:15:31 Drew I was watching some Jane Goodall stuff.

1:15:36 Adam You've learned a valuable lesson. You've really come a long way since you're pregnant at 16.

1:15:40 Drew We have regressed. The women, they're just a brood and they just sit there with the kids. The guys are out in the brush fighting. Nothing to do with the kids. Nothing to do with the females.

1:15:52 Adam Get up on the roof, spread your legs. I got a helicopter that's equipped with a semen sprayer and we'll just be flying over. That's it. About noon tomorrow. About noonish. Yeah. It's modified. It's the ones they use on crops, but I filled it with my own seed.

1:16:10 Drew Your own seed? Oh my goodness. I thought it was potluck.

1:16:13 Adam Mainly mine. Mostly mine.

1:16:14 Caller Mostly mine.

1:16:15 Drew Like I said, yours is potluck.

1:16:17 Adam I got some little Chris's and a lot of stuff's come through the mail. Yours was basically my seed.

1:16:26 Caller Good seed.

1:16:27 Adam It's been stepped on with little baby lactative and like I said, some Chris's, some of the other guests we've had on the show. But it's mainly my seed. I should get a pretty good kid out of it. I should be up on the roof around noonish.

1:16:41 Drew So Faith, you are a dose. You want to understand why you can no longer get pregnant?

1:16:46 Caller Um, well, I thought I had because I had I didn't get cleaned out when I first had her. I had to have a DNC.

1:16:53 Drew That's nothing.

1:16:54 Adam Cleaned out.

1:16:55 Caller And then it took me. I got pregnant like in last year in March, but I got an abortion.

1:17:05 Adam Yeah, I'm gone. Phoenix. No, no dad in the picture.

1:17:11 Caller Obviously we're talking to a chew.

1:17:16 Adam No, but now I've been hold on, hold, hold on. You've got to be kidding me. True. We're never wrong. This is I. Wow. Hey, listen, when I'm wrong, I'm wrong. I admit it. I just you were not bought Mitzvahed faith. You're not bought Mitzvahed. What's that mean? Okay.

1:17:38 Drew Now, I think that is a no.

1:17:39 Adam I mean, it's a point of no. All right, so you got pregnant. What happened?

1:17:45 Caller I got an abortion.

1:17:47 Drew When was that?

1:17:48 Caller Last year.

1:17:50 Drew And have you ever with the same man you're trying to get pregnant with now?

1:17:53 Caller Yeah. So, you know, you can get pregnant with him and yeah, but we've been trying and nothing's happened.

1:18:00 Drew Have you had any tubal infections or pelvic problems?

1:18:04 Caller Not that I know of.

1:18:05 Drew So, you've never had any sexually transmitted diseases, no endometriosis, no problems with tube function?

1:18:11 Caller I never had.

1:18:12 Drew Never had an ectopic pregnancy?

1:18:13 Adam And not bot mitzvah? No to the bot mitzvah?

1:18:17 Caller No.

1:18:17 Adam No.

1:18:18 Drew I think she's kidding.

1:18:20 Caller Have you been to a doctor to check out your fertility?

1:18:23 Caller I've been to a doctor one, well, the last time I've been to a doctor was last year when they checked me down there to make sure everything was okay.

1:18:29 Drew This was after the abortion?

1:18:31 Caller Yeah. Make sure everything was fine.

1:18:35 Drew Faith. Well, here's the deal. One thing is that each time you have an abortion, it does increase the risk of fertility problems. So you may, it's possible something's related to the abortion. It's not likely. You have an atubal infection, but that always is another reason that women can have trouble conceiving. We don't know about your boyfriend. Is he smoking pot or anything?

1:18:52 Caller No, he doesn't do drugs.

1:18:54 Drew So he's okay. We know he can conceive.

1:18:55 Adam Because he's on probation.

1:18:57 Drew You have conceived before.

1:18:57 Adam What does he do, this guy of yours?

1:19:00 Caller What does he do? He's a night stalker.

1:19:02 Adam Yeah, that's what I thought.

1:19:05 Caller A night stalker or a stalker?

1:19:07 Adam He kills the elderly in their sleep.

1:19:09 Caller It's a good gig. I used to do that.

1:19:12 Caller Night stalker.

1:19:13 Adam Does he have a record?

1:19:16 Caller No, he doesn't.

1:19:16 Adam No, he's not been to the joint.

1:19:19 Caller No.

1:19:20 Drew All right.

1:19:22 Caller Nineteen.

1:19:23 Drew He's 19?

1:19:24 Adam Okay. Listen, you two brainiacs. How about he gets a gig that's better than putting cans of Dinty Moore on a sheet? On a shelf at 4 a.m. And you guys get a little education and he gets a couple of years under his belt and you guys get married and then you crank out another kid.

1:19:41 Drew Oh, Adam, you're so old fashioned.

1:19:43 Adam How dare you? Listen, Faith, I hate to sound like a prick, but what's wrong with that?

1:19:48 Caller There's nothing wrong with that.

1:19:49 Adam Wouldn't that be a better life? I mean, what about the child? Don't you want to have your own home and have a nice safe car and be able to provide and have him have a little more of a career?

1:20:00 Drew Tell her your story a little bit so she understands where you're coming from.

1:20:03 Caller But he's like dying for a kid now.

1:20:05 Adam Well, he's 19. That means he's an idiot. All right. Listen, I just hope something like a uterus like fell out last abortion or something and she can't have any kids.

1:20:19 Drew But give me a little bit of horse speech, will you?

1:20:21 Adam He's dying for a kid.

1:20:23 Drew I know, 19.

1:20:23 Adam What the hell does that mean? He's stocking shelves. Look everybody, I know we shouldn't be passing judgment, but we should be passing judgment. Look, stupid 19-year-olds who have menial, horrible jobs should not be cranking out kids. That's it. They got a kid. It's her kid. It should be struggle enough for those two to make ends meet the way it is. And by the way, I don't want anyone who says I had the doctor look down there. I don't want that. That's not a good mama. Give it a few years, idiots. Jesus, what's wrong with all you way holes?

1:20:56 Drew Just give a little bit about keeping the poorness keeping you down. You want to hear that?

1:21:01 Adam The poorness. What happened to me?

1:21:03 Drew You were poor.

1:21:04 Adam Yeah.

1:21:05 Drew And the how it keeps you, keeps you being. Yeah, keeps you.

1:21:09 Adam My mom was on food stamps and welfare and it sucked.

1:21:13 Drew But it kept you down. And unless you do something to get yourself out of it, it's a never ending cycle.

1:21:18 Adam Yeah. Well, because you get behind the eight ball, because you crank out a bunch of kids and you can barely afford to take care of those kids and you can never. Here's what it is. Your best friend when you're when you're poor and you're a loser is time. You need to work your crappy job. In this case, the guy needs to stock his shelves all night. And then during the day, he needs to go to some sort of school or trade school or a location, something he needs to better himself now the problem is, is when you start having kids, that's out the window. There's no, there's no working and coming home and then leaving again. It's all you can do to take care of the kids. And whatever extra money you may be able to put aside for yourself in order to support whatever these vocational training is or college or classes or whatever this is. That money's going in the mouth of the kids. So you never get anywhere. Meanwhile, you've never got anywhere. And ironically, the kids ain't going anywhere either because you don't put the money aside. You know, you can't afford the schooling.

1:22:20 Caller It's a vicious cycle.

1:22:21 Adam Yeah, it's a loser. It's why you have, you know, generations of losers. Just stop it. Here's where it stops. Stop cranking out the kids. And by the way, the impulse, the impulse at 19 to one a kid is dying.

1:22:36 Drew That's weird.

1:22:37 Adam Now you're just stupid. So you're sort of doomed. You're doomed. You're not going anywhere. You didn't even forget it. It's done. All right. Just don't don't kill anybody. All right. And by the way, she's already got one kid with some old man is not around. Let's just say the 19 year old who's stocking shelves knocks her up. What birthday is the kid make it to before he's moving to Florida? Stocking some shelves in Dade County. Yeah, perfect. He's already an honorary, honorary Floridian. They will do that. They'll deputize losers in other states. Yeah. Oh, and 19 stocking shelves trying to knock up your old lady not married. You're now an official Floridian. You know how Bill Cosby gets all those bogus degrees bestowed on him? Florida should start doing that. Yeah. And maybe it's like, oh, you got a job. I'm not sure if you're Florida material. I am trying to knock up my girlfriend. You're in. Okay, you're in. Very good. Touche. We could take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:23:44 Caller Love Line will be right back.

1:23:45 Caller So get your problems ready.

1:24:00 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline and Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Christopher McDonald is our guest tonight. Cracking Up is the name of the new show on Fox. It's got everything. It's got pedophilia, it's got instax.

1:24:13 Caller It's got Molly Shannon. It's got Jason Schwartzman. Yeah, it's all good.

1:24:17 Adam It's all good.

1:24:18 Caller Mike White.

1:24:19 Adam It'll be after American Idol coming up this week. Okay, let's push forward. We'll talk to, is it Brianne Drew?

1:24:30 Drew Yes, Brianne.

1:24:31 Adam Brianne?

1:24:32 Yeah.

1:24:32 Adam You're 22?

1:24:33 Caller Yeah, I'm 22.

1:24:35 Adam What's up?

1:24:36 Caller Well, I had sex with this guy the other night. And I also gave him unprotected oral. Like he was somebody that I didn't really know that well or anything. And I developed a sore throat like the next day, like the morning after. And I'm also breastfeeding a small baby right now. So I'm really concerned if this is a STD, whether it could be transmitted to him or not.

1:25:02 Adam Now, now, were you breastfeeding at the time you're performing oral? So you're actually, the baby was suckling at your teat as you're performing oral?

1:25:15 Drew The phone is out here.

1:25:16 Adam The phone went out. By the way, that's how I got the sample for the helicopter from Christopher.

1:25:22 Drew Oh, really? That's nice. Brianne, here's the deal. Most likely this is just a viral thing and of course you could expose your child to that. There definitely are sexually transmitted diseases that can be transmitted to the throat. Chlamydia, gonorrhea, these things can go to the throat. But you're not likely to transmit it to the child unless your mouth touches the child. That's how you're going to transmit it.

1:25:46 Caller It's not going to get in the breast more probably if it's chlamydia?

1:25:49 Drew No. I don't see how it could. But it's probably not that. It probably is a virus and that will get in the breast milk. So you got to call your obstetrician about that.

1:25:58 Caller Like what kind of a virus could it be?

1:25:59 Drew Like a pharyngitis, a sore throat. It also could be a strep. What about herpes? Herpes would really be a nasty outbreak and you'd have lots of white spots back there. It doesn't usually localize just to the throat.

1:26:13 Adam This kid's going to be president by the way I can feel it. Brianne?

1:26:16 Caller So should I stop breastfeeding like right away?

1:26:19 Drew Well, I don't know about right away but you need to talk to your obstetrician about it, okay? Very important. Or your pediatrician. One or the other.

1:26:26 Adam What's happening? Breastfeeding and blowing strangers? Was he a trick or?

1:26:31 Caller Yeah, not a good idea. I know.

1:26:34 Adam All right. All right. Where's the dad? Isn't he around?

1:26:39 Caller He's kind of around. We still live together but we broke up a while ago.

1:26:43 Adam But you're still living together?

1:26:44 Caller Yeah.

1:26:46 Adam Man, I'll tell you there's nothing worse. One of the crampers for being poor is you guys got to hang out.

1:26:52 Caller Yeah.

1:26:53 Adam You know what I mean? It's like you guys break up. It's like you got to live together. You got to like share stuff. You don't realize there's nothing like a little space and a big house and a check you can put in the mail when you're trying to break things off. You're poor. You got to hang out. It's horrible. All right, Brian. Listen, no more kids, please, yeah? Definitely not.

1:27:15 Drew Yes. Good girl.

1:27:16 Adam And take it easy there, momma. You're mommy now. Yeah, mommies don't blow strangers. They don't even blow their husbands. Don't do anything. Take a, take a page from my mom's book. You just lock yourself in a room and you'll freak out. Smoke a little weed. Wait for that check to come.

1:27:39 Drew All right, where are we going here, Drew?

1:27:40 Adam I think it's a good time.

1:27:41 Drew I mean, it's a good time.

1:27:43 Adam It's a good time. It's a good time. It's a good time.

1:28:23 Drew Not necessarily. Most men that would date a 23, 19 to 24 year old are looking to have sex with a young person. That's what they're looking for.

1:28:30 Caller And their sexual prime.

1:28:31 Drew Yes.

1:28:32 Adam He's 34?

1:28:33 Yeah.

1:28:35 Caller Yeah.

1:28:36 Adam He may not. Has he been married yet?

1:28:38 Caller 34 is a man's sexual prime.

1:28:41 Drew He's in your sort of reproductive prime. 13. Yeah.

1:28:45 Caller That's ours.

1:28:46 Caller That sounds more like it.

1:28:48 Adam Fast free fall from 13.

1:28:50 Drew Yeah. Look, he's interested in having sex, period. He's not interested in marriage.

1:28:55 Adam Not necessarily.

1:28:57 Drew I mean, I want to speak for it, but I mean, that would be an average.

1:28:59 Adam Has he been married before?

1:29:00 Caller He's never been married.

1:29:02 Adam Let me ask him. Go ahead, John. This is another hot chick who can't edit herself, but let us talk. I'm going to put her on hold.

1:29:08 Drew You're an editor.

1:29:09 Adam Let me ask this. And I don't really know the answer to this. And I said, Drew and Christopher, this a 34 year old guy who's not been married as opposed to 34 year old guy who has been married, which one is more likely to get married before 40?

1:29:27 Drew The previously married one.

1:29:28 Caller Absolutely.

1:29:29 Drew Yeah.

1:29:29 Adam That's what I would have thought, too, even though I don't think a lot of women would know that.

1:29:33 Drew Yeah. A guy that's 34 year old dating young chicks is not getting married. He is.

1:29:39 Adam I don't know, because he can date young chicks, and it's weird, too, but 34 is sort of the cusp, because if the guy was 40, he ain't getting married, you know, if he hadn't been married yet.

1:29:50 Drew Right.

1:29:50 Caller That's what I'm saying.

1:29:52 Drew This guy is going to grow up.

1:29:52 Adam But 34, he could be, you know, some guys are a little slow.

1:29:56 Caller I have a lot of friends that are like that, too, who are in their early 40s, never been married.

1:30:00 Drew But that's when they're starting to think about it, mid-early 40s.

1:30:03 Caller Yeah, they're looking at me and they're going, man, wow, you haven't made, if I just find a girl like that, that would be great.

1:30:08 Drew You wouldn't say that in their mid-30s, they're like, no, I wouldn't want to do it like that. They're like, hey, you're stuck with kids.

1:30:13 Adam I don't know, though, but, Drew, I'm gonna make the opposite argument, which is, and 34 is the cusp, because if a guy's 32, 33, all right, he finished college, he got his graduate degree or something, he's got his career going, maybe he thought he would be getting married about this time.

1:30:27 Drew Right. I think 32, 33 is the cutoff.

1:30:29 Adam It's more, it's more Christina's voice where we're, we're reacting to. Christina?

1:30:35 Drew Christina, what do you do for a living?

1:30:38 Adam Cocktail?

1:30:39 Drew What do you do for a living?

1:30:40 Caller What do I do?

1:30:40 Caller I'm a restaurant manager.

1:30:42 Drew Rest, oh, this is a flip.

1:30:44 Adam And what does he do?

1:30:47 Caller He does a lot of things.

1:30:49 Caller He owns his own company.

1:30:51 Drew What does he do?

1:30:53 Caller I believe it's a consulting firm.

1:30:55 Drew So he doesn't work with you.

1:30:57 Adam He doesn't want to get married. He doesn't want to tell you stuff. Consulting firm is a code for dealing weed in the porno industry or dealing with something.

1:31:08 Caller It's a big time.

1:31:09 Adam The fact that you don't know means he ain't that interested. Okay, that's fine. How long have you been going with him? Not very long. Okay, thanks for being so specific. Okay, is that a non-question? Yeah, no one cares. Alicia? You're 18. What's up?

1:31:28 Caller I really just wanted to say thank you, Dr. Drew and Adam. I love you guys so much. I was on the air with you guys when you had Rod Schneider in promoting the animal.

1:31:40 Caller And you all told me that...

1:31:41 Adam The animal DVD, by the way. It was recently. Yes.

1:31:45 Caller Yes. And you all told me to leave my manipulator ex-boyfriend who tried getting back with me after he cheated on me with my best friend.

1:31:54 Adam Oh, yeah.

1:31:56 Caller And you said that if I had a guy friend around, that I should keep him close or whatever. And I've done exactly that. And actually, he asked me to marry him. We're waiting and everything like that to have kids. I just want to say thank you guys because I love you guys so much.

1:32:13 Adam We love you too. When they let you out of that 55-gallon drum you're crawling from, it'll even be better. You guys will be able to get together. Let me just say quickly, I don't want to rain on your parade, you're 18, what's your rebound? What's your friend thing and making marriage plans and all this crazy stuff?

1:32:31 Drew 18? Sounds good, just take your time.

1:32:33 Adam Relax. Everyone go home, beat off and take a nap. That's what you do when you're 18.

1:32:38 Drew That's the Corolla method.

1:32:39 Adam It keeps you out of trouble.

1:32:40 Drew Well, I don't know.

1:32:42 Adam Takes the edge off. We'll take a quick break, we'll be back.

1:32:46 Caller Alright guys, here's the deal.

1:32:48 Caller You're looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

1:32:52 Caller One call is all you need to make.

1:32:53 Caller Call the Dateline. 877-889-DATE.

1:32:56 Caller Call the Dateline.

1:33:25 Adam Well that's the show everybody. I want to thank Christopher McDowell for coming in here tonight.

1:33:30 Caller My entire pleasure. Thank you for having me.

1:33:31 Adam And being being at the light. And now I see why he gets all the gigs.

1:33:35 Caller Yes. Agreeable.

1:33:37 Adam Very agreeable. Hey, this I read the script.

1:33:40 Caller Loved it. Loved it. Best script I've ever read. I like this guy.

1:33:45 Adam Been in over twenty six hundred productions, and this is the best. All right, everyone watch Cracking Up. It is going to be after American Idol next week, whenever that is. Funny stuff. Funny stuff. It is better than funny. We're going to be watching. All right, good.

1:34:02 Caller All right.

1:34:02 Adam So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo.

1:34:09 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors or this station. The producer for Loveline is Annie Gold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

1:35:03 Caller Yeah.

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Monday, March 1, 2004