Episode 1000596670690

0:52 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience.

0:54 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually oriented content.

1:00 Loveline with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

1:04 Adam Hey everybody, it's Loveline. Chris, don't you usually give me the finger cue thing?

1:10 Oh, okay, there it is.

1:11 Drew There it is.

1:13 Adam Let me explain the notion of the cue, son. If in the cue comes a good 13 count after the show starts, the cue is actually null and void.

1:23 Drew It's not a cue.

1:24 Adam Yeah, it's like, here's what I'm saying. If you're...

1:27 Drew There's just somebody pointing at you.

1:28 Adam If you're standing out in a parking lot and someone's got a moving van and you're doing the back it up, back it up, back it up, and then they ram into something, yeah, you're actually doing more harm than good. Right. Because they're trusting you. Yeah. And my wife had my wife trying to pull that off the other day. What's that, Anderson?

1:45 My heart stopped at this end. I'm like, where are they? What's going on?

1:49 Adam He's checking the levels. Checking the levels.

1:51 Drew Point at Adam. Let's point.

1:52 Adam Point at me. Yeah. How about you check those retard levels that are running through your brain? Thank you. Dr. Drew, over there, board certified physician, Dixon medicine specialist. Yeah, I'm telling you, this is something only a chick can do. I was doing, I was back in a car out. My wife was standing there, you know, big trash can just standing there. She's backing out. And I'm I'm looking through the rear view mirror and I'm just looking at her. She's standing by the rear bumper and I'm slowly inching, inching, inching crash. She's just staring at me through the that this is why chicks get 70 cents on our dollar. They're not a man alive, not a man alive. We're going to put the fist up, doing the flap. No, no guy immediately snaps in a little bit. Here's what I'm saying. If if if a Jew was standing out front of a concentration camp and Hitler was backing out his six wheel Benz just instinctively, just as a man, no German, no Jew, just no camp, no nothing. He wouldn't have given him like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no. He'd give him the hand thing. Squeezing, squeezing, two feet up, right.

2:53 Drew Turn it this way. Yeah, yeah.

2:56 Adam That's the other thing. That that wheel thing means nothing to see there. I don't mean nothing. They just look right at you. You'd be turning away. They just keep going. What's going on here, Drew? And their insurance is cheaper. All right. One day I'm going to I'm going to I'm just it's like here. You want to know? It's like when my dad, when I tell him to follow me to the ever go to the diner. Oh, should I leave my car? Just follow me. Follow me out to the diner. This is how you would kill me. Like you want to know how you would kill me? Here's how I would die within four and a half hours. Have your dad follow you through the city. Leaving fall, I'm going 32 miles an hour and a 35. I can barely see his grill. Other cars sliding in, getting to that signal. Now you're having to pull over. What is that, Drew? What happened? What happens to old people when you tell them to follow you that it doesn't mean follow anymore? Like here's what my dad thinks. When I tell my dad to follow me somewhere, he thinks he's an FBI agent on stakeout. You know, you know, when he watched whatever it was like, hey, hey, Bill, not too close. Not too close. We don't want to be made. My dad doesn't want to be made by son. Like, hey, geez, that that burgundy Buick's been following me for the last six blocks. I might have to shake him now. I got to duck down this out. Get, get up there. Drew, what? There's certain what I would call what I assumed were just universal truths in life, and they don't seem to pertain to many people. And it does not exist in the mind of them.

4:27 Drew Of some, yes.

4:28 Adam You tell my dad, follow me, that means 750 yards between his front bumper and your rear bumper. Cars sliding in, you having to pull over, like, wait, you know, you making the signal, him missing you. How many times we got to stop?

4:43 Drew We're trying to say anything when you get to where we go now. Is he mad?

4:46 Adam No, no, he doesn't know. It's no problem. No, it's like, look, I'm going to go 33 to try to not to lose him. He's going to do, you know, traditional 29 in the 35. And if I go four miles an hour faster, will you do the math? I'm going to get away from it.

5:03 Drew All right. All right.

5:06 Adam Let's go. It takes all kinds.

5:07 Drew What are you going to do?

5:08 Adam What are you going to do? What are you going to do? Simple Plan is going to be in studio tonight, a really just simple plan, not the simple plan, not a simple plan.

5:20 Drew Simple plan.

5:21 Adam Simple plan. They're coming in tonight. They're doing the Jimmy Kimmel show tonight. So they'll be they'll be over there. And they probably must be in here about 1030. But you do the Kimmel show, your band, you go on at the end of the night. They always put the bands on. No love for the bands. They always go on at the end. They go on about 12, I mean about 1002 or something. If they hustle up, they'll be about 1035, 1040. But if not, they'll be here close to 11. Anyway, we'll be here waiting for them when they show up. They're in Drew's new movie.

5:57 Drew Yeah, about that.

5:58 Adam Yeah.

5:59 Drew They figure prominently.

6:00 Adam Drew's new joint with the Olsen twins, in which I hear he's on the trailer.

6:06 Drew Yeah, about that.

6:07 Adam Or in the trailer, I should say.

6:08 Drew I gotta see that thing.

6:09 Adam Maya?

6:10 Yeah?

6:10 Adam You're 17? What's happening? What's your subject?

6:20 Caller Anything.

6:22 Drew Whatever they need.

6:24 Caller Okay, all right. And they they've been telling me that they're sexually active already.

6:35 Drew Having intercourse?

6:37 Caller Yeah.

6:38 Adam Well, now these are these sisters or these just young girls who you tutor?

6:44 Caller Young girls.

6:44 Drew So they're not related? Are they being sexually abused in the home?

6:49 Caller I don't think so.

6:51 Adam What grade are they in?

6:52 Caller Seventh. I'm not exactly sure how old you are in seventh grade.

6:56 Drew Sixth and seventh.

6:58 Adam They're in, but you know what grade they're in, right? Right. They're in the seventh grade?

7:02 Caller Mm-hmm.

7:04 Adam Drew, don't get caught up in the age. She knows their grade, not their age, because she's the tutor.

7:09 Drew What grade is the eleven-year-old in?

7:10 Caller I don't know.

7:14 Adam They're both in seventh grade, right?

7:16 Drew No, she doesn't know what grade they're in.

7:17 Adam Okay, listen. What grade are these two girls in?

7:23 Drew Seventh and sixth.

7:24 Adam All right. There we go. It's a little twist into that bar rag to get that last drop of sixth grade out. So, they, and do they know each other, or is it just two separate situations?

7:36 Caller They're all friends.

7:37 Adam They're all friends. And do you say to them, well, do you have a boyfriend, or?

7:41 Caller Yeah.

7:42 Adam And what do they say?

7:44 Caller Well, they have I Love Whoever written all over their bodies, and we were talking about their boyfriends and stuff, and she was saying that she thought she was pregnant, and I was, what? And I asked her if she had stag, and she said, yeah.

8:02 Drew How old are you?

8:03 Caller I'm 17.

8:04 Drew When was your birthday? What year?

8:07 Caller 86.

8:10 Drew 86.

8:15 Adam Listen, chicks don't know any math. Even math tutor chicks don't know math. So, if she got 86.

8:21 Drew Well, if this is bogus, this goes into the HIV category of call, where we have to take very, very seriously.

8:30 Adam No, I don't know why this would be bogus.

8:33 Drew She feels it.

8:33 Adam All right. Well, here's the whole thing. Maya doesn't feel like anyone should be tutoring anybody.

8:38 Drew She doesn't sound 17 either.

8:39 Adam She doesn't sound like 17, but she seems like the tutor E, not the tutor R.

8:44 Drew That's what I'm saying.

8:45 Adam Yeah, that's why I got an A in English, because I know the difference between an E and an R.

8:50 Drew Push and pull.

8:51 Adam Push and pull. Oh, wait a minute. What? Oh, I was thinking of one the other day. Yeah, inter and intra. Oh, no, no, here it is. Here it is. Continuous and contiguous.

9:04 Drew Good one.

9:05 Adam Yeah, but contiguous and continuous are sort of the same, aren't they?

9:09 Drew Contiguous means continuous by putting side by side. Continuous can be seamless.

9:15 Adam Say that again?

9:16 Drew All right, wait a minute.

9:17 Adam We got to talk about this later.

9:19 Drew Let's finish the mic.

9:19 Adam I'm just saying we got continuous. Do we need to work contiguous? And it just sounds like someone's mispronouncing something. All right, Maya, sorry.

9:30 Drew So why haven't you told someone about this?

9:32 Adam Well, she is. She's calling us.

9:33 Caller Yeah, I'm just wondering if there's anything that I can say to them to maybe change their minds.

9:39 Drew No, they're already having sex, Maya. This is a very serious situation. And for an 11 year old to be having sex, you got to figure that's something more serious going on in the home.

9:49 Adam Do you talk to their parents?

9:53 Drew Where do you tutor them?

9:54 Adam Hey, how's the tutoring work?

9:56 Drew Where do you tutor them?

9:58 Caller Our school gets credit by tutoring other kids. Uh-huh.

10:02 Drew Are these inner city kids?

10:03 Caller No.

10:04 Adam They show up at the school or you go to their home? Oh, sorry. Crazy.

10:11 Drew Cool.

10:11 Adam Crazy. Alright, so you need to talk to somebody at your school.

10:15 Drew Yeah, why aren't you talking to somebody who's supervising you?

10:21 Adam Well, listen, tomorrow, you should...

10:24 Drew You go to whoever's your teacher who is supervising your tutoring activities. You go and you report this immediately.

10:29 Adam And then...

10:30 Drew This is very, very serious.

10:31 Adam And then, Maya, just for fun, get the same person to explain the difference between continuous and contiguous. And intra and inter. No, wait. Yeah. Yeah. Give them to do that. And I bet they'll tell you to look it up. Because, well, I could tell you. But then how are you going to learn? And what do you mean, how am I going to learn? You're going to tell me, old jackass. Is there any better way? Well, you're going to need the tools. How about you give me the answer and I just go around and collect the answers? Then I don't need the tools. You're going to need the tools to look stuff up. How about I learn the more valuable tools of manipulation? Getting people to tell me the stuff I want to know.

11:13 Drew To do stuff for you that you want them to do. Magical.

11:16 Adam In the big picture, much more powerful a tool. Yes, Drew?

11:20 Drew Yes. Especially with the looking out process now, just clicking something on a typewriter.

11:25 Adam Now what's the difference between contiguous and contiguous?

11:27 Drew Contiguous, like my fingers are lying contiguously.

11:31 Adam You mean they're going this way and this way?

11:34 Drew They're lined up side by side, the contiguous.

11:36 Adam Right, where continuous would be if it was going a straight line. Railroad tracks, continuous.

11:43 Drew Unbroken. Contiguous can be broken pieces set side by side.

11:49 Adam But not forward? If you were making a raft out of logs, would those logs be laid out in a contiguous way and not a continuous way? But a bracelet would be a continuous way?

12:03 Drew Correct.

12:04 Adam Depending on which way you're facing?

12:05 Drew Yes.

12:06 Adam All right, I'm going to look this up. I don't trust you.

12:08 Drew I'm going to look it up because you don't have the tools.

12:11 Adam We always hear about the contiguous United States, but it's always like, I mean, they don't mean they mean Hawaii, ain't counted in Puerto Rico or Alaska.

12:20 Drew When they mean contiguous, they mean the continental. Yeah.

12:27 Adam That's the same way we could streamline a little. Mary? And listen, we don't need Brett and Brent either. Get rid of one of those.

12:36 Drew That is the word.

12:37 Adam Listen, when I'm in charge, we're going to thin the herd. It's like, listen, everybody, we're getting rid of contiguous. All the I's, Nays. All right. Brent and Brett. Which one's going? And all that Derek and Dirk. Boom. Gonna thin that one out, too. And it's easy. All you guys named Dirk. Well, you're now Derek. That's all.

12:58 Drew No, never another place.

12:59 Adam Never another correction on the Susan and the Susans and the Derks and the Derks.

13:04 Drew Utopia, I tell you.

13:05 Adam Mary.

13:06 Yes.

13:07 Adam Go ahead, baby doll. You're 18.

13:11 Caller I've been seeing an older guy for about three months now. I've known him for about seven and he moved to Fort Lauderdale and we're keeping in touch, a long distance relationship. He's been married twice. He just got a divorce. He has a child who's about eight years old.

13:36 Adam Two time loser from Florida with an eight year old.

13:40 Drew Is he from Florida?

13:42 Adam He moved to Fort Lauderdale.

13:44 Caller Where'd you get to Florida?

13:47 Adam He said he moved to Fort Lauderdale.

13:48 Drew I didn't hear from where though, did I?

13:50 Adam Well, I don't know from Florida. He's in Florida. It's good enough for me. I don't know what's worse, being born. I can't blame the poor souls that were born in Florida. But what about the tards that migrate there? Yes, yes.

14:00 Drew It's all the same.

14:04 Caller Two nights ago, I got a call from his ex-wife. There were a couple of days where I couldn't get a hold of him. So, I pretty much told him to stop calling me and just leave me alone.

14:15 Adam How old is he?

14:17 Caller He's 37.

14:19 Drew How did you meet this idiot?

14:21 Caller Through friends.

14:23 Drew Through friends? Is he working in a restaurant?

14:27 Caller No, no. I actually started working for him, painting houses. So anyways, his ex-wife called me a couple of days ago and she asked me if I knew about them going to the Keys together. And he had basically told her that we were done and he thought he made that clear to me when obviously he didn't.

14:56 Adam Alright, alright. Listen, this guy's albino trash.

15:00 Drew Why would you put up with that?

15:01 Adam What's wrong with you?

15:02 Drew What is going on? No, no, no, no, no. Why would you even get involved with a person like this in the first place?

15:11 Caller Well, I'm not exactly sure my friends all, you know, told me not to touch that with a 10-foot pole, but...

15:19 Drew Well, they sure were wrong, weren't they?

15:20 Adam Drew, when you see that guy's ass crack, when he's cleaning the airless sprayer and the constant smell of linseed oil on him, you'd be attracted. Drew, seriously?

15:30 Caller No, come on. Now, he doesn't want anything to do with him, and he said he wants to come back home and make everything all right.

15:38 Drew For you? Yes. Mary, what kind of an idiot was your dad, Mary? What kind of an idiot was your dad?

15:47 Caller My dad was never around.

15:49 Drew And when he was, was he just a horrible person?

15:52 Caller Oh, I've only talked to him once.

15:54 Adam All right, that's bad enough.

15:56 Drew But I bet even those times were horrible.

16:00 Caller What, Drew?

16:01 Adam He's just an absentee dad. She's got a new daddy now.

16:04 Drew This is worse than that, though.

16:05 This is, this is...

16:07 Adam This guy's just a jerk-off, that's all.

16:09 Caller Well, he wants to come home and I want him back so bad.

16:13 Adam What do you mean come home? You guys living together?

16:18 Drew Oh, my God. This guy needs to go to jail.

16:19 Adam Okay, look. Hey, Mary, do whatever you want. Don't get pregnant. Don't become another victim to this man's semen. What are you using for protection? You're using lacquer thinner, right? On a rag?

16:31 Drew What are you using?

16:33 Caller Just protection, of course. Condom, okay.

16:38 Drew She got that in.

16:39 Adam Loveline reenactment.

16:40 Drew What are you using for protection?

16:42 Adam Protection.

16:43 Drew What are you using for birth control? Birth control. Good times. Good answer.

16:47 Caller Okay, I'm not using birth control, but I'm missing so much.

16:51 Drew That clarified it, didn't it?

16:53 Adam Okay, listen, just go get knocked up and go live in your little white trash world.

16:57 Drew Leave us out of it, would you please?

16:59 Adam Screwball.

17:00 Drew Condom is great. Make sure you know what the morning after pill is. You have some of that in your medicine cabinet in case the condom doesn't work. It's a pill you can take within three days.

17:07 Adam I'm done trying to shape idiots. Let's go do, here's the only thing. Here's the only reason I care is because I got to pay for your crappy kid. That's all. When this guy knocks you up and then heads out and you become his third ex-wife and you're sitting around and can't make ends meet, you just become a drain on the system. That's what I care about.

17:32 Drew And for me, it's heartbreaking. When I have to pay for it. It's a heartbreaking story. How many of these merry stories do we have to hear?

17:46 Adam Alright, listen, I see some big boobs here. Brittany?

17:49 Uh-huh?

17:51 Adam You're 14? You have a 42 double D?

17:55 Caller Uh-huh.

17:58 Adam How big a person are you?

18:01 Caller Um, I'm like 50 pounds overweight. How tall are you? About four, I mean five. Five, five.

18:14 Adam Five, five.

18:15 Drew And you weigh how much?

18:16 Adam How much do you weigh?

18:17 Caller I don't know exactly.

18:21 Drew What do you suspect?

18:21 Caller Around 200 probably.

18:27 Adam All right. Bouncy, bouncy. Anderson Strong.

18:32 Drew Strong move, Anderson.

18:36 Adam I was trying to combine them. No, that's good. That's good.

18:40 Drew I'm sorry. One of the first things you could do and probably more important for your health than anything else right now is to lose some weight. Yeah. Just from a health standpoint. I know you're focused and certainly Adam's focused on your top size.

18:50 Adam Wow. She's 14. I can't focus on her.

18:52 Drew And no one is going to be operating on a 14-year-old, especially when there's a weight issue that is much more significant. And Mace, if it's addressed, successfully reduce things just getting you to lose weight and be a significant benefit for your overall health. So it's going to take some work, it's going to take some time, but it's about significantly reducing your calorie intake. Maybe go into Weight Watchers or something, some kind of program. South Beach Diet is good. Just get yourself on a program, start exercising, start walking.

19:18 Adam What's that South Beach? And by the way, she's from Arkansas. They don't even know where South Beach is.

19:23 Drew It's the bookstore.

19:25 Caller Actually, I haven't really lived in Arkansas in my life. I've been to California. Ooh. My mom's family. Her dad's dying, so we had to move down here.

19:40 Adam And is your mom a big gal?

19:43 Caller Yeah, she actually had her stomach stapled when I was five.

19:48 Drew Wow, that's interesting. That may be in your future too, because the genetics may dictate this.

19:55 Adam Hey, Brittany? Here's the thing. You got a bad hand genetically as far as that stuff goes, so you're going to have to work extra hard to overcome it. The good news is whenever you work extra hard to overcome something, you end up getting a bunch of character and a bunch of discipline that folks that don't have to work hard to overcome things rarely have. The beautiful people, Drew. I know I'm one of them.

20:23 Drew You're shallow. Undisciplined. Empty.

20:28 Adam You got to get one of them books that does models put out so you can find out what their secrets are.

20:34 You're bouncy bouncy.

20:36 Adam You're bouncy bouncy.

20:38 Drew I see. Genius.

20:40 Adam Yeah, it worked. Listen, here's everything. It's all genetics. It's all, your mom's big, you're big, that's it. Your dad's skinny, you're skinny. I don't know anyone who's done really. Undone anything really.

20:54 Drew Changed dramatically what their genetic load was.

20:57 Adam No, not really. I mean, you know, for people that have this, you know, genetic predisposition, it really becomes about management. It's, look.

21:06 Drew It's like they have high blood pressure. It's something that needs management.

21:10 Adam You don't go to the plate and swing for the fences physically. You choke up, make contact. And here's the thing, your success will lie in other realms. I mean, you're not going to be a runway model. Fine. Your job is not to become morbidly obese and dive hypertension at 31. And meanwhile, you can maintain a stable weight. You're never going to win any, you're not going to be a bathing suit model. Fine. Get a stable weight, get a good education, you still get a good job. Lots of husky chicks get good jobs because other chicks don't resent them.

21:44 Drew By the way.

21:45 Adam Chicks are that way. They let a fat chick into the office.

21:48 Drew Nothing more than somebody like Brittany Likes then being called a husky chick or a fat chick. That's a sensitive, self-esteem building.

21:57 Adam If you're a fat husky, it's nice. You see what I'm saying?

22:01 Drew Chunky.

22:02 Adam As a former D-minus student, being a C student was quite a compliment to me. I understand. You understand? That's what husky is to fat. Okay.

22:11 Drew For a guy, husky is good.

22:13 Adam I'm just saying, I know Brittany's young, but she needs to hear this stuff. It's going to be a little work. Yes. Not a death sentence. Plus, there's a lot of black dudes who like that. No. You keep the weight down, you work hard, you become healthy, you get a nice guy, work hard, and you die. That's how it goes.

22:35 Drew In Arkansas.

22:35 Adam In Arkansas. All right. We're going to take a quick break. Simple Plan is going to be in here to speak a little French with Dr. Drew.

22:42 Drew Yes, sir.

22:42 Adam And just a couple of few. They're doing Jimmy Kimmel Live tonight. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. Hello. Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Simple Plan is coming in here tonight. God willing, Simple Plan is... They're playing Jimmy Kimmel Live tonight. They're gonna rock the Hizzy, and then they're gonna pack it up like a true rock band, hit the road, and come out here.

23:36 Drew Our Hizzy. For Chizzy.

23:38 Adam And Drew is going to speak to them in French.

23:42 Drew Why don't I do another...

23:43 Adam They're Canadians.

23:44 Drew But why don't I do another rap phone call?

23:47 Adam For Crank Anchors? Alright. Let's work that out.

23:50 Drew I miss speaking fluent for Chnizzle. You had a Hizzy, you'd be out of the house.

23:59 Adam That's all you need to know about Drew. Hey, what the hell? Abraham? You're 19?

24:06 Caller That's right.

24:07 Adam What's happening, my man?

24:10 Caller I just want to say, Dr. Drew, you rule. Yeah. And Adam, you know what I like about you, Adam? You just bust out with the metaphor like nothing.

24:22 Adam Thanks, buddy.

24:23 Caller Like nothing, man. And I want to be like you someday.

24:27 Adam Alright.

24:28 Drew Keep studying like Adam did.

24:29 Adam Yeah. Now, wait a minute. What kind of grades are you getting? You're going to college?

24:33 Caller Yeah, I'm going to college. I'm actually Carlos from UTEP.

24:38 Adam You're Carlos from UTEP?

24:39 Caller Yeah. I called a while ago.

24:41 Adam Oh, I sort of remember that.

24:43 Caller Yeah.

24:43 Adam Yeah.

24:44 Drew Is he the drunk Carlos?

24:44 Adam Listen, if you want to be me, you got to bring your grades. Well, you got to get out of college. Then start bringing your grades down. I actually was failing even when I wasn't in school, Drew.

24:56 Drew I heard about that.

24:56 Adam Yeah. Yeah, were you the drunk guy that called? I thought the drunk guy called from Arizona.

25:02 Drew Yeah. Yeah. This is Charles Newtype. OK.

25:04 Caller No, I'm the drunk guy from Texas.

25:07 Adam You are? Well, you're representing all the drunks in Texas.

25:10 Caller Go ahead.

25:11 Drew And what's your question?

25:14 Caller All right. I'm on Prozac and Clonopin. Yeah. Because I get panic attacks and I just go crazy sometimes.

25:22 Drew Yeah.

25:24 Caller And well, I my libido is like way down. I'm like, I never want to have sex with my girlfriend.

25:30 Drew Well, that's Prozac. Hey, listen, are you actually drinking a lot?

25:35 Caller No, just no, not really. Just tonight.

25:38 Drew But you have a history of heavy alcohol use or family history of alcohol use?

25:42 Caller All right.

25:43 Drew All right. Because the Clonopin concerns me if there's a possibility of addiction. But it was not. It's a good and safe.

25:49 Adam Clonopin is good.

25:49 Drew It's a benzo. You love it, Adam. Oh, yeah, I get some of that.

25:53 Adam I'm an alcoholic.

25:54 Drew And what?

25:56 Adam Yeah, you got an alcoholic with a junior high education. Still smarter than you. How does that make you feel?

26:02 Drew Here's the deal. The Prozac will cut your libido down to nothing. And that's just the nature. You may want to talk to your doctor about switching. That you can I ask, can I ask him a question?

26:12 Adam He asked through me. Abraham asked through me.

26:14 Drew Have you? Adam, would you ask Abraham if he's talked to his doctor about these symptoms?

26:18 Adam Abe, have you talked to your doctor?

26:21 Caller Yeah, he just says don't drink.

26:23 Adam He says, Abraham, the guy, this doctor says, Dr. says not to drink.

26:28 Drew Tell Abraham that the Prozac causes dropping libido and erectile dysfunction is the most common symptom and that he should talk to doctor about changing antidepressants.

26:37 Adam Hey Abraham, Drew says you're a fag.

26:40 Caller No Adam, don't say that.

26:43 Adam Yeah, you gotta talk to him about the Prozac and getting off it.

26:47 Caller I already did.

26:48 Drew And what did he say?

26:49 Caller He said, he's like, well, there's nothing I could do. That's the only person I could...

26:55 Drew That's nonsense. Is that a psychiatrist you're seeing?

26:58 Caller I'm seeing a sociologist.

27:01 Drew No, you're not seeing a sociologist. A psychiatrist?

27:04 Caller Yeah, pretty much.

27:05 Drew Pretty much a psychiatrist. It's good times, huh? Yeah, there are other things you might talk to him about. Write this down. Serizone, S-E-R-Z-O-N-E, Remeron, R-E-M-E-R-O-N, or Wellbutrin, all of which do not have sexual side effects.

27:19 Adam Those are more expensive? I mean...

27:20 Drew No.

27:21 Adam No. They're not. I get the feeling like... First off, I'm sure Abraham's doctor hates him and is just slowly trying to poison him. That's what I would do if I had a pain in the ass. You know, if I had a pain in the ass patient like Abraham over here, I would just slowly start poisoning him. You know, they used to call it mercy killing. I don't know what they're calling it today. Murder. I just wanted mercy killing. You know, they call it the angel of death. You know what I'm saying? The angel of death. What are you going to do? Here's the thing. I always get the feeling that they're trying to unload stuff.

27:58 Drew Well, they're HMOs. They may have limited access to medication.

28:03 Adam But Prozac, no more expensive than Remeron or Wilbutrin?

28:08 Drew Less. Less?

28:12 Adam Prozac is less expensive. Well, that's why they're doing it.

28:16 Drew They may have a limited formula on this HMO. In other words, when you buy health insurance, they actually restrict what medications you can use.

28:24 Adam Mm-hmm.

28:25 Drew Then so he may have to use them.

28:26 Adam Right. I mean, he only gets... Here's the thing. He doesn't get the brand name stuff. If we were at the store, he would be wearing the tough skins.

28:40 Drew Yes.

28:40 Adam He doesn't get the Levi's.

28:41 Drew Right. Potentially. But it's a little bit dicier than that with medication, because if he really needs it, they've got to find a way to get it for him. And Prozac clearly is not working for him.

28:51 Adam Tracy?

28:52 Caller Mm-hmm.

28:54 Adam You're 17?

28:56 Caller Yeah.

28:56 Drew Oh, do we interrupt Tracy? Maybe we shouldn't have called so late.

28:59 Adam What's happening?

29:01 Caller Oh, wow.

29:04 Caller Um, I'm sexually attracted to gay guys.

29:07 Adam Mm-hmm. Join the party. Yes.

29:12 Caller Hello?

29:12 Adam Hello. Whatever. Whatever. You know, my new plan to combat these sort of whatever chicks is whatever. I'm just giving them the whatever back. Yeah, whatever.

29:28 Drew You're giving it to them first.

29:29 Adam I'm preemptive whatever. Tracy? Whatever. Whatever?

29:36 Caller Whatever.

29:37 Caller How's that supposed to help me?

29:41 Adam All right. Well, ask your question.

29:43 Caller Oh, well, yeah, it's my question.

29:45 Caller What do I do?

29:46 Drew Are you attracted to one particular guy? Are you always finding yourself?

29:52 Caller Like, I always find myself being like end of dating guys who are homosexual.

29:57 Drew And did you know they were gay going in?

29:59 Caller No, I did not.

30:01 Drew You just find out in the process of dating them?

30:03 Caller Well, actually, one of them I didn't know, but that didn't seem to matter. But like the first few times, I really didn't know.

30:08 Drew Did they know or did they discover it during the time in which you were dating them?

30:13 Caller Well, either they had used to be or they are or they're called gay. Maybe she turns them gay. I don't turn people gay.

30:21 Drew How do you know, Tracy? You seem to have some magic capacity.

30:25 Adam I'm starting. I'm getting attracted to engineer Chris just talking to you.

30:29 Drew There is no such thing as turning somebody gay, Tracy. So no one's going to accuse you of that. But there is clearly something about the unavailable male or that perhaps some of these guys are trauma survivors and you're a fixer. I want to fix these guys. What's your upbringing like? My wife?

30:47 Adam I'm done talking to Tracy.

30:49 Drew Need a better phone, Tracy.

30:53 Adam Tracy's like one of those dreams you have where you're running in sand and someone's chasing you and you try to yell and no one can hear you. It's very...

31:03 Drew Unsatisfying.

31:04 Adam Very unsatisfying. Very unsatisfying. Yeah. That's what's like.

31:08 Drew They're disturbing at the same time. All right. So look. The most common reasons that people do this kind of thing are because they don't want to be an intimate. This is a man that's unavailable and keeps them from having intimacy. Or you're a fixer, you're attracted to guys, they're trauma survivors, and certain percentage of gay males have a history of sexual trauma and you're so attracted to them. You start to piece them to try to fix them.

31:33 Adam Like 150. The other thing too is if you got a guy who's fresh off a gay relationship and thought he has turned the corner now and is heading down the road toward the vagina tunnel.

31:47 Drew No.

31:48 Adam No. He's still on the penis highway. Yes, sir?

31:50 Drew Yes. That's a commitment.

31:52 Adam That is a commitment. Yes. And Drew and I know. You don't just...

31:56 Drew Don't dabble in penis.

31:59 Adam No. All the bi guys are magically gay now.

32:02 Drew Yeah.

32:03 Adam You don't really go the other way.

32:04 Drew You don't hear that much about bi. Well, you hear about people that are confused and who are all over the place.

32:08 Adam Yeah.

32:08 Drew Sexual compulsives that just do whatever. But people that are sort of staking a claim to a lifestyle.

32:14 Adam And listen, everyone does things incrementally. I mean, you start off, you know, they people think they're or want to be or act heterosexual and then that bleeds into bi and that gives way to gay. Give way to gay, Drew. Cassandra.

32:32 Caller Yeah.

32:33 Adam You're 18. What's up?

32:36 Caller Nothing.

32:38 I have a really big issue with commitment.

32:43 Drew What do you mean by commitment?

32:44 Like, I can't commit to anybody. Like, if I like somebody, like, I can have sex with them, but it doesn't matter.

32:51 Drew You can't have a relationship.

32:53 And I emotionally shut down.

32:56 Drew Once you had sex with them, do you start rejecting them? Are you sort of done with them at that point?

33:01 Yeah, I just...

33:02 Drew Are you disgusted?

33:03 It's kind of weird. Like, I'd have sex with them and then I just, like, have no emotional feeling for them once I'm around.

33:11 Drew Is it the having sex part or is it the possibility of intimacy that bothers you?

33:17 I think it's both.

33:18 Drew And are you disgusted afterwards? Do you feel disgust?

33:22 Oh, yes.

33:23 Drew For yourself?

33:24 Mm-hmm.

33:25 Drew So you feel like you're disgusting for even having sex with somebody? Why don't you try having a relationship first and then having sex?

33:34 Well, see, that's another thing. I don't know. It's, like, really weird. Like, when it gets to the point where I have a choice to commit, I can't do it.

33:42 Drew All right. But this whole idea of commit... Do you have somebody leave you or die or something when you were a kid?

33:49 Adam Where's your dad?

33:53 Caller My mom has been married for 32 years.

33:55 Adam Really?

33:56 And they're good Christian people, and they're really good people.

34:00 Adam When you say Christian people, is that... are they very religious?

34:05 Caller Yeah.

34:08 Adam And have you rebelled against that religion?

34:12 Caller Um, no.

34:15 Drew Were you ever struck when you were growing up? Hit, struck.

34:19 Caller Oh, no. No, no.

34:21 Drew Okay, maybe... Listen, you're 18. We're doing a lot of fishing around and digging and coming up with nothing. Maybe this sort of impulse not to get involved with somebody is a good impulse. You're 18. Maybe it's not time to have a stable boyfriend. And maybe this having sex thing and the disgust with that is you sort of doing what you're... I talk to a lot of women in colleges who go out and have sex and hook up because they think they're supposed to. And it's supposed to be so fun and it's supposed to be so good. And they want to because they're sexual, but they're not driven the way a guy is. They're just doing sort of what Cosmo thinks they ought to do and they feel flawed if they don't do that. And they do it, then they feel like, well, what did I just do? I'm disgusted. And having a relationship, it's sort of not healthy. Maybe it needs a year or two of getting out there, go to college, meet some people and eventually have a relationship.

35:09 Adam Plus, the thing about chicks at 18 is they're in charge of the bell, the ball. This is the last vestige of power you're ever going to have. Here's the thing about chicks. Here's when people listen to you. They listen to you about 16 to 29 and then that's it. Window gets painted shut. No one listens anymore. And you lose your power. All of a sudden, folks aren't so attentive. And you lose your power. There's a feeling that a woman must have when you're 15, 16 years old and you're a good little girl and then all of a sudden you get out and you're going to college. It must feel fun. I mean, to exercise that power a little bit.

35:52 Drew Celebrity.

35:53 Adam It is. It's better than celebrity because all I get is a man show.

35:58 Drew Supposed.

35:59 Caller Where's the juggies?

36:01 Adam I don't get BJs in the airport. I get, you know, fat guys wearing, you know, hockey jerseys with the sleeves cut off wanting to know where calling me Jimmy and want to know where the juggies are.

36:14 Caller Where's the doctor?

36:15 Adam Yeah, that's that's that's my celebrity favorite one. Yeah, this is this is power. Maybe she's just wanting to ride the powertrain for a little while.

36:26 Drew She feels disgusted when she has sex.

36:28 Adam Yeah, but good times. I don't know. I agree with Drew. If you feel disgusted and you don't want to have a relationship after you have sex with them, then why don't you put it off for a few weeks?

36:39 Drew Have a couple of dates and then and then have some start dating. Don't be in a war. Don't be so worried about having a relationship, having commitment. Just just go easy. Enjoy yourself. But lay off the sex a little bit because it obviously makes you feel bad about yourself. Then once you have a relationship, then go ahead.

36:57 Adam Chelsea? You're 18? You have a heart tattoo above your pubes? Three inches below your belly button. And but above your pubes. Let's see where your pubes start. Where your pubes start? About seven inches? Six and a half inches? Drew, where do you think those pubes start below the belly button? I mean, it matters how tall you are.

37:23 Caller Average.

37:25 Drew Five inches.

37:26 Adam Five inches? Okay. So that's where pubes start. So you got the heart there.

37:33 Caller Yeah. It's like an inch above them.

37:37 Adam That means you're class act.

37:39 Caller What's the question?

37:41 Caller My problem is, anytime I masturbate, I get these terrible cramps, like menstrual cramps. And I've heard that having a tattoo there can cause hormonal imbalances. And I was wondering if it had anything to do with it.

37:52 Adam Hold on a second, Janice.

37:54 Drew How could it cause hormonal imbalances?

37:57 Adam Well, Drew, it's the same way. If I took like a Sharpie and drew like a Playboy bunny on your sack, it would change your testosterone levels immediately. Yeah, absolutely.

38:10 Drew Let me talk to Chelsea.

38:12 Adam We got to take a break. We're going to get back with her. Simple Plan is en route to the studio. Yes, Chris? Yes. We'll take ourselves a quick break. We'll be right back.

38:24 Caller Hello, this is your radio.

38:42 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Jeff and Chuck here from Simple Plan.

38:51 Simple Plan What's up? Come on.

38:53 Adam Guys just came back from their triumphant appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live. Yes.

38:59 Simple Plan That's right, that's right. We ran here. That's why it took us so long.

39:02 Adam Thank you. You guys performed, well, they took the outdoor stage down in the back.

39:08 Simple Plan Stupid Oscars.

39:09 Simple Plan More important matters.

39:11 Simple Plan They got more important stuff going on in the house.

39:13 Adam Did you guys play in the entry, like when you come into the theater or did you play in?

39:19 Simple Plan In the bar section. The bar.

39:21 Simple Plan We requested the bar.

39:22 Simple Plan Yeah.

39:22 Simple Plan It was the second best thing to outside, right?

39:25 Adam It's pretty decent, actually, the bar over there. They probably put a few hundred people, maybe more, into a nice little intimate area. And, yeah, ever since the Oscars have taken over that block, you just everything's torn down. You can't you can't get anywhere. It's amazing, by the way, what a premium just a square block of parking lot is behind one of those buildings. They're putting tents up. They rip them down. It's like a bunch of worker ants over there. The band, Simple Plan, is in Dr. Drew's latest joint with the Olsen Twins. That's right.

40:03 Drew I was just saying we make the we are the plot.

40:05 Adam Yeah. Now explain that.

40:07 Drew The twins.

40:08 Adam What's the band called?

40:09 Drew The Good New York Minute. The Good Twin and the Bad Twin. Bad Twin tricks her dad, me, into getting out of school so she can go be in a Simple Plan video.

40:18 Simple Plan How bad is that?

40:19 Drew Antics ensue.

40:20 Simple Plan I mean, how can you say no to a movie with Dr. Drew and the Olsen Twins?

40:24 Drew Simple Plan.

40:25 Simple Plan That's right.

40:25 Simple Plan A little Simple Plan in there.

40:27 Adam How did the Olsen Twin-Simple Plan connection begin? Are they fans? Is one of them a fan?

40:33 Simple Plan Yeah, I think that's exactly what, you know, they just called up, they wanted to see us in their movie and we just said, yeah, well...

40:39 Simple Plan They wanted to meet us, so their agent called our people and they set up a date, and I'm actually, no, they're still on their rage. Shouldn't be talking about that. No, I guess they like...

40:49 Adam You guys are French-Canadian. I mean, it's game on.

40:51 Drew You're European.

40:52 Adam Yeah, it's very European.

40:53 Simple Plan At home, it would be legal. Yeah, it would be legal at home.

40:56 Adam Smoking and drinking red wine at 11.

40:58 Drew It was filmed in Toronto.

40:59 Simple Plan Yes, that's right, keeping it real in Toronto.

41:02 Simple Plan We have baguettes under our arms as we travel through Montreal.

41:05 Adam Drew's got one in his pants as he travels. Hey, Drew, speak to the guys in some French.

41:10 Simple Plan Oh, dude, we have this story. We have this tech and we made him believe that when you go to Paris, the way to tip is to give baguettes to people. So as he got to the airport, he was looking desperately to buy baguettes and he got into a cab and he was so scared the guy would get mad at him because he had no baguettes to tip him. And he's like, I got confused because there was no baguette on his seat. So how did the other people tip him? It was pretty funny. The guy bought it for about two days.

41:38 Adam Now you guys are French-Canadian, obviously, which is different than French-French. I mean, the language is very different for you, right Drew?

41:45 Drew It's what?

41:46 Adam You can understand the language. Barely.

41:47 Drew So it sounds a lot different.

41:49 Simple Plan And our girls shave their armpits too.

41:51 Simple Plan It's kind of like the UK and the US. You know, like different slang, different accent a little bit.

41:56 Adam Have a little talk. See if you guys can figure something out. Come on.

41:59 Simple Plan Bonjour, Monsieur Drew. Ça va bien?

42:01 Drew Ça va bien, oui.

42:02 Simple Plan Ah, on parle vraiment français.

42:05 Simple Plan Un petit peu.

42:06 Drew Un petit peu, oui. Le si peu, you say differently even.

42:09 Simple Plan Say like people in, you know, like, we've been touring and it's like people have the most random things. They say like, I want to go to the beach or I'm a girl. They learn the weirdest sentences. Like totally useless. It's very weird.

42:23 Adam But Drew, come on, do talk about one of the callers or something.

42:26 Drew Nous avons Jean-Pierre qui a quelque chose.

42:30 Adam What's the next call? Who we got?

42:32 Drew We got Chelsea.

42:33 Adam How old is she? Go ahead, give her a thing. What's the screen say?

42:35 Simple Plan Elle a 18 ans, elle a un tattoo.

42:37 Drew Tattoo au-dessus de le, qu'est-ce que c'est?

42:40 Simple Plan Du pubis.

42:41 Simple Plan Du monde Vietnus.

42:43 Caller Oh.

47:10 Adam Oh, 877-889-DATE. That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Jeff and Chuck are here from Simple Plan. On Jimmy Kimmel Live tonight, if you want to see them perform live. All right. Yeah, well.

47:30 Simple Plan Not so live.

47:31 Adam Live to the East Coast. You can watch them out here.

47:36 Drew They're nearly live.

47:37 Adam But it really doesn't make a difference, does it? All right. So Simple Plan on Jimmy Kimmel Live tonight starts at 1206. And we're going to hear something from the band and a couple of few. We had a question for them when we left off. Lindsay. All right. So you want to know if the guys ever thought about quitting?

48:01 I was just wondering, I'm not, I'm not a, I'm the biggest Simple Plan fan ever. But I was just wondering, because I saw their DVD and stuff and there was a couple performances, like one in Germany when they only had about 12 people in the...

48:15 Simple Plan Six, six actually.

48:16 Simple Plan Oh yeah, you're way too generous.

48:18 Simple Plan Yeah, you're too generous.

48:19 Simple Plan You know what? I think we got called...

48:21 Adam Put that on the DVD?

48:22 Simple Plan Yeah. We're just about showing the whole story. We don't, we're not embarrassed by anything. That's, that's what happened to us. We played a lot of shows in front of five people and you know, things are going better now, but that's, I mean, I think a lot of young bands will see this DVD and go like, all right, we should keep going. And to us, like, we just like to prove people wrong. So we just kept on playing and playing until people said, oh, you know what? They're not that bad. All right.

48:43 Simple Plan And we had moments, you know, where those were like really the worst moments. You know, the Germany, the German show was definitely the worst show ever. It was terrible.

48:49 Simple Plan Six people. Imagine five German people who don't care.

48:52 Simple Plan First of all, you expect, you know, drunken people to actually have a little fun hearing music? No.

48:56 Simple Plan They were like, they were bummed out, depressed German.

48:59 Adam Well, did you, did you, did you go to Germany to do this one show?

49:04 Simple Plan No, no, no.

49:05 Simple Plan We had festival shows where we were playing on the, on the like eight stage with my...

49:09 Simple Plan The smallest tent you could find.

49:11 Adam I see.

49:11 Simple Plan You know, it was the beginnings and the beginnings were very, um, yeah, very low and... But we had some moments, you know, throughout the, you know, the road that we took to get where we're at right now that were like good, that kind of gave us the indication that maybe we should keep at it, you know.

49:25 Simple Plan Every week something good was coming up, you know, like something, okay, there's hope. And I think even before we were signing, like people told us, you suck, you're never gonna get labels passed on us. Like everybody told us that like managers said no way we're not gonna take care of you guys. And that's, I think it makes you want it even more, you know, it's like a girl who keeps rejecting you. You want it more.

49:43 Adam But I'll tell you the problem with these stories when you hear these kind of stories from Simple Plan. It gives hope to the people who really do suck. That's the problem.

49:52 Simple Plan Someone had to say it.

49:53 Adam Somewhere out there, there's a bunch of bands, a bunch of comedians, a bunch of actors who really suck ass who are saying, You know what? We got to stick it out. Eight more years before we quit. Yeah, we used to, when I used to do sketch improv shows, we did a show for my grandparents one night.

50:14 Simple Plan Just two of them. Successful?

50:16 Adam Wasn't our best. They didn't seem to enjoy it, actually. But only people, here were the people that were in the audience. My grandparents. Two of them.

50:26 Simple Plan Tough audience. Tough audience right there.

50:28 Drew And you've not met his grandparents.

50:30 Adam And they didn't like it. But, oh, that's always, Drew, you know, we had to do this, that part where you, I don't know if you guys had this meeting in Germany, but when I used to do this kind of stuff, we'd have that meeting backstage where, like, look, there's four people out there, there's 11 of us. Maybe tonight we should, like, where do you cancel? You know what I mean? If there's six people, we're doing the show. If there's three people, we ain't, but there's four. What are we doing? You know, that should we do it thing.

51:00 Simple Plan It's that very delicate line.

51:04 Simple Plan And you know, on that show, we had no call because it wasn't even our show. We were, like, opening for some other band.

51:09 Simple Plan Yeah, it was some other German band that was supposed to be very popular as we were briefed by the agent.

51:13 Simple Plan We heard that they were the biggest band in Germany.

51:15 Simple Plan And they bring everybody there and they're on the rise.

51:18 Simple Plan You should have seen it after we left the stage.

51:20 Simple Plan I think in Nuremberg or something like that.

51:24 Simple Plan It was one of... Yeah, it could have been somewhere there.

51:27 Simple Plan It was Nuremberg, yeah.

51:28 Simple Plan Yeah, it could have been. Well, anyways, as soon as we exited the stage and we went to get a drink after, people were looking at us. We were like, losers.

51:35 Adam Don't even get a drink.

51:37 Simple Plan Go back to your bus. So weird.

51:39 Adam Germans being judgmental. Who would have guessed?

51:42 Simple Plan That's... Right.

51:43 Simple Plan You would think they're...

51:44 Adam Never heard of such a thing. They did it as a passive. They just lay back, live and let live. That's the German's motto. Never heard a living creature. Everyone minds are on business. Sturminate a few million Jews.

51:58 Simple Plan Completely politically correct here. I love it.

52:00 Adam Other than that, live and let live.

52:02 Drew Laughing time is over.

52:05 Adam Little bit of gassing in between the live and let live policy, the little genocide just sprinkled in. But other than that, hey, don't let me, you know, you got your life. I got mine. Maybe I'll snuff yours. I'd say we got to hit Germany again.

52:21 Drew Annie.

52:22 Adam I've said it a million times. We must bomb them again. One more time, one more time.

52:27 Drew Wow.

52:28 Adam Why not?

52:29 Drew Wow.

52:29 Adam Hold on.

52:30 Drew We're done with them?

52:31 Adam That's it? You're terrible.

52:35 Simple Plan They make nice cars.

52:36 Adam They do. They make a hell of a car. But that's, we're done. I start a few world wars. You got a head count. World War I, World War II. What do you think?

52:44 Drew How many million?

52:45 Adam 70 million, 150 million, 250 million. Give me, what do you think? Let's give a German head count for a nice 18, 20 year period there. They had a good run for the beginning of the century there. What do you think between like 1917 and 1945? How many million? Yeah, how many million? I don't know. They didn't kill everybody. But they sort of got the ball rolling. What do you say, about 200 million?

53:12 Drew No, I think 40 probably.

53:13 Adam 40? Well, because look, you got 20 million Russians. That's just World War II.

53:18 Drew Yeah.

53:19 Adam And you got all the Jews. You know what I'm saying? Then there's just all the other unknown, you know, peasants. And then World War I worse than World War II in terms of the body count, I think.

53:30 Drew Yeah, in terms of the non civilian.

53:31 Adam Let's just call it 100 million. All I'm saying is one more bombing. Just one more. That's all. Just one more. That's all. It just so don't happen again, huh? No? We're even. Kill a hundred million and send over your cars.

53:48 Simple Plan Does she have like a few German, like, callers right now flashing on your screen?

53:51 Adam Ah, they know them, right?

53:54 Drew Seventeen.

53:55 Simple Plan Are you German?

53:56 Adam No, no, my brother-in-law is.

53:58 Drew Ooh, ooh. Annie.

54:01 Simple Plan Yeah.

54:01 Drew There you are. Okay. What's up?

54:07 Adam Just talking about German.

54:10 Simple Plan And we're listening.

54:10 Drew I believe you called us. I could be wrong.

54:13 Caller Yeah, I did.

54:16 I don't have like a question or anything.

54:19 Caller I just wanted to call to tell you guys how funny you are.

54:22 Adam Thank you.

54:23 Caller That's not a problem. I never really...

54:26 Adam What do you like? Do you like when I talk about genocide? That's hilarious.

54:29 Drew Where are you calling from?

54:32 Caller Louisiana.

54:33 Drew Whereabouts?

54:34 Caller Lafayette.

54:37 Adam Nice.

54:37 Simple Plan There's some French people there.

54:38 Adam Yeah. What's... Now you in high school, Annie?

54:43 Yes, sir.

54:44 Adam You're... Oh, I love that.

54:46 You plan to go to college?

54:49 Yes, sir.

54:49 Drew Where are you thinking about going?

54:51 Simple Plan Oh, Annie's getting hot in here.

54:53 Drew Where are you thinking about going?

54:55 Caller I'm not sure yet.

54:56 Probably to LSU for the first two years and then...

55:00 Drew Tigers.

55:01 Caller Yeah.

55:01 Caller Then transferring to another state college.

55:03 Adam But is it... You're a senior, right, ma'am?

55:05 Caller I'm a junior.

55:06 Adam Oh, you're a junior.

55:08 Drew But you should basically be mapping your...

55:09 Adam I guess this is junior. She's getting ready to go to LSU.

55:12 Drew Where would you go out of state?

55:13 Caller I'm not sure.

55:14 Drew Where are you thinking about going?

55:16 Caller Probably somewhere in California.

55:18 Adam One last thing. All right. All right. I don't recommend it. I'm having trouble getting around on the freeways out here and I've decided far too many folks coming over here to sort of stake their claim. I'd like to start thinning the herd a little bit. Let's get the folks out of here. I hate to say it. Race riot. It gets people. Where's this going? I'll tell you what it does. I'll tell you what it does. I'll tell you what it does. It stops people from coming. It makes the news. Meanwhile, a couple buildings downtown burned down, a handful of deaths. It really doesn't amount to anything, but it's all around the country. People think, oh, Christ, that whole city's on fire. You see what I'm saying? And it slows it down for about five years. Okay, earthquake. Have it your way.

56:06 Drew Earthquake. Earthquake.

56:07 Adam Yeah, more people would die, but it'd be more politically correct.

56:11 Drew So it would be.

56:12 Adam Act of God. Earthquake.

56:14 Drew Yeah.

56:15 Adam Earthquake that spawns a race riot. Because there's looting. You see what I'm saying?

56:23 Drew As you wish.

56:24 Adam I'm just saying.

56:24 Simple Plan I'm picking up what you're drawing down.

56:26 Drew How about a Simple Plan song?

56:26 Adam But let me say this.

56:27 Simple Plan That would chase a lot of people away, that's for sure.

56:29 Adam Let me say something. You, people see the Rose Bowl. They're back east. They're snowed in. They're looking at the blimp floating over the Rose Bowl. People wearing tank tops. It's beautiful, sunny California. They're coming out here. Drew, do you know, and Drew had to sock the mic. Do you know the three or five most congested freeway intersections in the world are all within like three miles of where we're doing this show?

56:56 Drew And we cross three of the five every night.

56:59 Adam Yeah.

56:59 Drew Twice.

57:00 Adam You want more? Or do you want to race right? Not so funny anymore, huh? Yeah, that's right. All right. Simple plan in the studio. We're going to hear a song. This is a song. What song are we hearing? Is it in the movie? Because Drew did a movie with these guys.

57:14 Simple Plan It's going to be the first single of the soundtrack.

57:17 Drew Oh, is that right? This is what you're singing when Mary Kate and Ashley are stage diving.

57:21 Simple Plan I know that's another movie.

57:23 Simple Plan That's another movie. We've got so much going on, guys.

57:27 Adam This is Scooby-Doo 2.

57:28 Simple Plan This is Scooby-Doo 2.

57:29 Simple Plan But we've got another song in New York. You know, it's a movie. We like movies.

57:33 Adam That's all right.

57:35 Simple Plan I would call it Buying In.

57:37 Adam Oh, that's good.

57:38 Simple Plan There you go.

57:38 Adam Right. Except for you get money. All right. Let's hear something from Simple Plan. You ready there, Ace?

57:43 Simple Plan Let's hear it.

57:44 Adam This one is called Don't Want to Think About You. All right.

1:01:13 Simple Plan Don't miss it.

1:01:14 Adam Do not miss that. All right, let's get back to the phones and talk to Charlene. Hey, you're 19, what's up?

1:01:27 Caller I have a problem with sex, definitely. I'm 19, and I first started having sex when I was 14. I probably slept with about like 15 guys.

1:01:39 Drew 15.

1:01:42 Caller Every time when we're having sex, either the guy will come first, and I still want more, or I'll get drunk, and nothing happens to me. But it just seems like I...

1:01:56 Simple Plan Have we met before?

1:01:57 Drew See, it seems like, watch out. Charlie, get away from that girl. Through all this, have you ever had a relationship? Through all this, have you ever had a relationship?

1:02:08 Caller I've had lots of relationships.

1:02:10 Drew No, I mean...

1:02:10 Adam She's had lots of relations.

1:02:12 Drew I mean a boyfriend.

1:02:14 Caller I've probably had like ten boyfriends.

1:02:18 Adam Ten?

1:02:19 Drew What's the longest long boyfriend relationship you had?

1:02:23 Caller Six months.

1:02:25 Adam Oh, that's a decent run for a 19 year old.

1:02:27 Drew How old were you when you had that one? Eleven.

1:02:32 Adam Seventeen. It's been a while.

1:02:36 Drew Why?

1:02:39 Caller Not that I don't want to be in a relationship, but I just want sex, basically.

1:02:44 Drew Were you sexually abused when you were a child?

1:02:46 Adam Oh, Drew, why do you got to go there?

1:02:48 Caller No, no I wasn't.

1:02:50 Drew No one ever touched you sexually before the age of 14?

1:02:53 Caller I had an incident happen when I was 14 with my uncle.

1:02:57 Adam Incident at 14? With the uncle. Very healthy, very natural.

1:03:02 Drew Normal.

1:03:02 Adam Sexual encounter with a family member.

1:03:05 Drew The usual at 14.

1:03:06 Adam 14.

1:03:07 Drew And were you exposed to pornography or something before that?

1:03:10 Caller Before that, no.

1:03:12 Adam How old is your uncle?

1:03:13 Caller He's probably in his 30s now. We don't talk to him anymore because of that incident. It's not like he touched me or anything but he wrote letters to me suggesting sexual things.

1:03:26 Adam Worse. You know what I mean? In its own sort of bizarre way on the sort of freak-o-meter, like the uncle that's sitting down with the quill and the parchment paper composing long-winded love letters to the 14-year-old cousin or niece or whatever the hell. Thank you. Yes.

1:03:47 Drew Not good, yes.

1:03:51 Adam They gave you, he gave you the letters and you like handed the letters over to your parents?

1:03:56 Caller Yeah, it happened at a family reunion where I was really scared that he would be there. So I ended up telling my mom and it just blew up into this big old thing where we stopped talking to my aunt and my uncle. Because my mom, her sister was married to my uncle and so like we have no connection with them or my cousins whatsoever.

1:04:15 Adam Yeah, it's nice because his wife probably blames it on you.

1:04:18 Caller Yeah, that's exactly it and she's like, I don't know.

1:04:21 Adam That little Jezebel showing all that 14 year old leg at the cookout. Come on, what's a man? He's only flesh and blood. Were these sexual love letters?

1:04:33 Caller I guess at the time when he wrote them, he must have been on some kind of drug. Either he was spilled or on acid. But he denied them, but it's clearly in his writing. And she just blamed it on me that I was trying to seduce him. Honestly, at that age, I didn't know anything about sex.

1:04:49 Adam All right. Well, you've been going at it since you were 14, right? You were 14 when you got the letters, right?

1:05:03 Simple Plan Maybe it made her want to do it, the letters.

1:05:05 Adam This is it.

1:05:06 Simple Plan Got her into it.

1:05:07 Adam I like the idea that she started going at it with guys at 14, and has been going hot and heavy ever since. She's got the love letters at 14, but at that age, she didn't know anything about sex.

1:05:17 Simple Plan It's a trigger, man.

1:05:18 Adam Although, you know, eight months is a big deal, I guess, when you're... Think about that.

1:05:22 Drew That's a bigger deal.

1:05:24 Adam I remember for me...

1:05:26 Drew Well, there's missing pieces here, Charlie. The story's not hanging together for me.

1:05:30 Adam Well, look, at least you got a weird white trash family, right?

1:05:35 Caller You're not white.

1:05:36 Adam What are you? Oh, why didn't you say so, sweetie? See, 14 not old anymore. 14, that's about average. Well, listen, it's a cultural thing. We can't judge.

1:05:52 Caller Most girls my age are pregnant at 15.

1:05:54 Adam That's what I'm saying. That's where it's going. You're 19. You're an old maid. Old Mexican maid.

1:06:00 Simple Plan Do your boyfriends, like, before they have sex, do they go down on you?

1:06:04 Caller Yeah.

1:06:05 Simple Plan See, I was trying to help, but no.

1:06:07 Caller Well, you see, I like that.

1:06:09 Caller It just seems like when I'm having sex, I don't know, it just seems either they're not doing enough for me or...

1:06:15 Caller All right.

1:06:17 Drew You just said, you just... Wait, wait, now, wait a minute. There's abuse here somewhere. No one ever hit you physically growing up?

1:06:24 Caller Hit me?

1:06:27 Drew Why do I get a strong abuse vibe here?

1:06:32 Caller What's that?

1:06:33 Drew What's that?

1:06:34 Caller What would you say?

1:06:36 Drew I get the strong sense of something.

1:06:37 Adam Whatever it is you're saying, cop into it. Okay, so here's the thing. You've been through a few guys. They've not hit your sweet spot just yet. How about you find one guy and dial yourself in a little bit? I mean, this is what you need at 19. It's hard to sort of bounce. I mean, it's hard to get good at anything if you're trying a new sport every season.

1:07:03 Simple Plan You've got to practice a little bit.

1:07:05 Simple Plan It's like tennis. You need a regular partner.

1:07:07 Adam You need a regular partner and you've got to pick up a racket and keep holding your hand for a couple of years.

1:07:11 Simple Plan And maybe play with the wall a little bit, play by yourself. That's what I do. That's what I do.

1:07:15 Drew That's where you're going at.

1:07:16 Adam And you know what? I make the same sound.

1:07:22 Drew Is that what you do? And it gets faster as you go.

1:07:25 Adam That's what I do.

1:07:26 Simple Plan As you get better, you can experience a different position.

1:07:29 Adam I do it at the park, too.

1:07:30 Drew Change hands.

1:07:31 Simple Plan Yes, in public.

1:07:33 Adam How about that loser that goes to the park and takes over that wall?

1:07:37 Simple Plan You know that guy? I did that.

1:07:39 Adam The guy shows up and stays there for four hours every weekday. He's got the basket of balls. And it's like, oh, really? You and the Tai Chi guy. You don't got some place you could go? The Tai Chi guys out there. Look, everybody.

1:07:52 Caller All right.

1:07:54 Adam Find a guy, dial yourself in, have a relationship.

1:07:57 Drew But she can't.

1:07:58 Adam All right. She can't. What do you want me to do about it? Travis? You're 18? Yes. You've been smoking pot since age 13. Yes. You quit for last eight months and you failed a drug test. Yeah. Where are you trying to work? It's always ironic because it's a crappy job.

1:08:17 Caller It's a restaurant.

1:08:18 Simple Plan A restaurant.

1:08:20 Adam Is it a chain?

1:08:21 Caller I don't think so. It's a Japanese restaurant.

1:08:30 Adam I just want to confuse the listeners.

1:08:32 Drew It just sounded like a funny place to be tested.

1:08:36 Adam French dip place. So you got to get drug tested to get a job at a Japanese restaurant?

1:08:43 Simple Plan It's tough to make a good sushi man.

1:08:46 Adam Yeah. What are you going to be doing? You're not going to be doing anything.

1:08:54 Drew You failed the drug test, right?

1:08:57 Caller Yeah, and it was like eight months. And I could have swore eight months would clear you from something like that.

1:09:03 Drew Usually it will. The vast majority of cases it will. One of the things that you can sort of do to cause the marijuana to reappear in your urine is exercise vigorously or lose weight. It gets mobilized from your fat. And you were a big time pot user. Yeah. Big time. And so for you, there's lots of it there in moderate concentration.

1:09:24 Adam It's like asbestos around the pipes or something. You get up there and start rattling around. It gets out in the air.

1:09:30 Simple Plan You got a stupid question. If you go to a party and there's people smoking around.

1:09:35 Simple Plan No.

1:09:36 Drew Never.

1:09:37 Simple Plan You're safe, Chuck.

1:09:38 Drew No, he failed.

1:09:40 Adam He failed.

1:09:40 Simple Plan I'm just asking questions.

1:09:42 Adam Chuck's a guy smoking at the party. He's asking on his friend's behalf.

1:09:46 Drew So Travis, what are you doing about the marijuana? Did you go to MA or anything?

1:09:50 Caller Did I what?

1:09:50 Drew Did you do anything to deal with the marijuana addiction? Did you go to 12 Step?

1:09:54 Caller I wouldn't say it's an addiction, but it's just like it was always there.

1:09:58 Drew And you know, it is an addiction.

1:10:01 Adam Well, he stopped.

1:10:02 Drew He will go back.

1:10:03 Adam Why did you stop? Did you get into trouble?

1:10:06 Caller I didn't stop. It's just I tried to have a drug test and you know, it's like eight months.

1:10:13 Drew He has no chance to stop.

1:10:14 Adam Wait a minute.

1:10:14 Drew He just took a break.

1:10:16 Adam I know, but he stopped for eight months. I would consider that stopping for an 18-year-old who has been smoking for five years.

1:10:24 Drew It's not bad.

1:10:25 Adam Shush up.

1:10:26 Drew That's a long time. He wants to stop.

1:10:28 Simple Plan But did he really stop for real?

1:10:30 Caller Right.

1:10:30 Drew The real addiction is staying stopped.

1:10:32 Adam I know, but now I'm a little bit confused. Have you not smoked any marijuana at all in eight months, Travis?

1:10:40 Caller The truth, boy. Yeah, I'm completely clean by what I know. But I'm just trying to get cleaner and cleaner, you know.

1:10:48 Drew What does that mean?

1:10:49 Adam Okay, eight months, no marijuana has entered your system.

1:10:53 Caller Yeah, and I took a drug test, failed.

1:10:56 Adam Okay, and it was for heroin, actually. That's the thing he's not saying. Well, so what are you supposed to do? Now, can you be upfront with somebody? I mean, can you say, look, there's got to be a statute of limitations on these drug tests. You know what I'm saying? Like, hey, I haven't smoked pot in eight months.

1:11:14 Drew No, because the test is designed to screen for addiction and it picked it up.

1:11:18 Adam Oh, please. Listen to the man over here.

1:11:21 Simple Plan Isn't it supposed to be like a THC level, something in your blood, whatever?

1:11:25 Drew It's a urine test.

1:11:27 Adam No, but they want to know there's a difference. I mean, the thing is there to see if you've been smoking marijuana in recent times, not eight months ago.

1:11:38 Drew It's not supposed to pick up abuse. It's supposed to pick up addiction. And it's done that.

1:11:43 Adam No, no, no. Drew, please. You're just sticking to the medical party line here.

1:11:47 Drew No, no, no.

1:11:48 Adam They want to know guys who are smoking pot or active pot smokers, not guys who have smoked pot at some point.

1:11:53 Drew Listen, if you, there's two things about the marijuana screen. If you can't control it enough to stay off it for a week, you're an addict. And if you smoke so much that you don't clear in six months, you're an addict.

1:12:05 Adam It's been eight months.

1:12:06 Drew Or eight months. Whatever. You're an addict. And this picks that up. Oh, okay.

1:12:10 Adam Well, what if, okay, what if he'd been in in recovery for eight months and had a sponsor and been involved actively in MA? Then he shouldn't get the gig?

1:12:18 Caller Then he'd step up and say, Aha, aha, aha, aha, aha.

1:12:24 Adam There's hope. See, Drew, see, I'm smarter than he is. He knows I'm right.

1:12:28 Drew No, you step.

1:12:29 Adam Because the test doesn't know the difference between you being in active recovery or not.

1:12:32 Drew Then you, but he's not saying I'm in recovery. He should have gone, hey, look, this thing's going to be positive.

1:12:38 Adam Why don't you say that after not smoking for eight months? We got to break. You know I'm right, Drew. Just admit I'm right. Simple Plan's here. I bet I'm right, Simple Plan.

1:12:48 Simple Plan I dug that answer.

1:12:49 Adam Thank you. We'll be back.

1:12:50 Drew Yes sir, Mr. Corolla.

1:13:25 Simple Plan 1-800-LOVE-191 Where'd the week go, Drew? Isn't that something? It's really scooting by.

1:13:26 Adam It's kind of a strange week, too, isn't it?

1:13:27 Simple Plan I don't know.

1:13:27 Adam There was weird calls last night when Dave Navarro was here. Yeah, Dave Navarro was Simple Plan. Some ex-girlfriend's calling out, maybe? No, he was just, Dave did not like the calls last night.

1:13:30 Drew The callers.

1:13:31 Adam He got offended.

1:13:33 Simple Plan So he gets an A for effort and a D for dumb.

1:13:39 Adam No, he wasn't, he was nice and everything. He wasn't passing judgment or anything. He did, he passed a lot of judgment, really.

1:13:47 Drew But he was kind about it.

1:13:49 Simple Plan All right.

1:13:51 Adam H for heroin? He's passed, that's in the past.

1:13:56 Simple Plan B for anyway.

1:13:57 Adam All right, no, he was a delight. And had a good time with him, yes, sir?

1:14:02 Drew Yes, Adam.

1:14:03 Adam All right, buddy. Want to say anything else about the Germans or can we take some calls?

1:14:07 Drew I think we have to take some calls. Mr. Corle.

1:14:10 Adam Jackie? You're fourteen?

1:14:13 Caller Yeah.

1:14:14 Adam You got a question for Simple Plan?

1:14:16 Caller Yeah.

1:14:16 Simple Plan What's up, Jackie? How are you?

1:14:19 Simple Plan How are you?

1:14:23 Caller I just wanted to know if you guys do like private showings for like birthdays or parties or anything?

1:14:28 Simple Plan I do personally.

1:14:29 Simple Plan Yeah, Jeff has his whole side career of...

1:14:31 Simple Plan He used to be a male gigolo when I was in Montreal before Simple Plan.

1:14:36 Simple Plan Yeah, that's how we got...

1:14:37 Simple Plan But I'm done now.

1:14:38 Simple Plan That's how we pay our first dental, actually.

1:14:40 Adam What would it cost to get you guys... Like if someone had cancer, you'd probably go out and do it.

1:14:46 Drew But if you had a bar mitzvah, what would it cost?

1:14:47 Adam Yeah, bar mitzvah. You can, by the way, you know, you'd probably get Bill Cosby to come out and do 15 minutes.

1:14:55 Simple Plan There's a whole, I think there's a whole underground market of famous people doing these kind of things. It's very lucrative, I think.

1:15:04 Adam Oh my, you know, the Boston's, we're telling you, they get a hundred grand. I mean, do this corporate stuff especially? People throwing a party?

1:15:11 Simple Plan You guys could do it too. You know, how about private couple counseling? How's that?

1:15:18 Adam That would be good.

1:15:19 Simple Plan You know, you watch them make love and you make comments about it. That would be good.

1:15:24 Drew Very ethical.

1:15:25 Caller Very ethical.

1:15:26 Simple Plan Well, listen, you want to help people? You get in there. You get your hands in there. You get your hands dirty.

1:15:31 Simple Plan You get your hands dirty and get the work done.

1:15:33 Adam That's right. We don't just sit here and yak at people over the phone, Drew. You show up at their house. You go into the bedroom. Where's your commitment?

1:15:38 Simple Plan You go into the den. Really intense, intense therapy right there.

1:15:41 Simple Plan If you do spot a mistake, you can go in there and just...

1:15:44 Simple Plan Now, that's going too far, Chuck.

1:15:46 Adam Jackie, is it your birthday that's coming up?

1:15:49 Caller Not anytime soon, like in the summer.

1:15:52 Simple Plan Jackie, the truth is, we play a lot of shows throughout the year, and we're very busy, and we've been playing for like three years almost every single day.

1:16:00 Drew What they're saying is if you paid enough, they'd be down here.

1:16:02 Adam Why don't you save yourself some money, like the $150 grand it would cost you to get the Panda Show up at the house, and pay the $28 bucks and go see them in concert.

1:16:11 Drew There you go.

1:16:11 Simple Plan Much cheaper. Because we go through every city, and you know, three, four, five times a year.

1:16:16 Simple Plan We did like a bunch of contests, and like there's like magazine contests and TV contests where we actually played in some kid's backyard for like ten people.

1:16:24 Simple Plan And we loved those shows.

1:16:27 Simple Plan That. It was actually, you know what, I had a good time. They made us cake and stuff, and they were cool. It's all good.

1:16:32 Simple Plan I love the brownies.

1:16:33 Simple Plan Yeah, they got us brownies, and their moms were there, and it was all good.

1:16:37 Adam Well, the guys, by the way, Jackie, if you want to see them, are going to be on Jimmy Come Alive tonight.

1:16:44 Simple Plan So it's like a very wide... Plug it, baby, plug it!

1:16:46 Adam Yeah, yeah, plug it. Jordan? You're 16? I like the chick Jordans.

1:16:53 Simple Plan That's a hot name.

1:16:55 Adam Yeah.

1:16:55 Simple Plan There's this girl from the UK who has gigantic boobs named Jordan.

1:16:59 Adam Really? Yes.

1:17:00 Simple Plan Very, very famous.

1:17:01 Simple Plan Very famous in the UK.

1:17:03 Adam Well, look her up on the computer. Yeah, we will. All right.

1:17:06 Drew Next break. No, Adam wants to go now.

1:17:08 Simple Plan I mean now.

1:17:10 Adam You can do it now.

1:17:11 Simple Plan I'm leaving now.

1:17:11 Adam Please do.

1:17:12 Simple Plan All right. Okay, I'm going now.

1:17:15 Simple Plan You're serious, man.

1:17:16 Adam You don't bring up big jugs with the British accent and not back it up. Sorry. Go ahead, Jordan.

1:17:22 Caller All right. Well, I've been having a little bit of trouble with relationships, I guess.

1:17:28 Adam Hold on. Let me fill Jeff in.

1:17:29 Caller All right.

1:17:30 Adam She's having trouble with relationships.

1:17:32 Simple Plan There's a lot of troubles with relationships these days.

1:17:35 Adam Where are you going? I've got to see the...

1:17:37 Simple Plan I want to see the jugs.

1:17:38 Adam I want to see the jugs.

1:17:39 Simple Plan Show them. Sorry.

1:17:41 Adam Go ahead.

1:17:42 Simple Plan Go ahead, Jordan.

1:17:43 Adam I'm going to start with the modestly chested George. Chested George will call you. So there's no confusion.

1:17:49 Caller Well, I met this guy from Friendster, which is kind of lame anyway, but he, you know, we started talking and we were talking for a couple of weeks and he... Before, I mean, I knew he was 24.

1:18:03 Adam Uh-oh.

1:18:04 Drew You're 16.

1:18:05 Simple Plan Trouble.

1:18:06 Adam 16.

1:18:06 Drew Is there any radio math need to be done on that 24 pronouncement?

1:18:10 Adam Well, he'll be 24 unless he found out you're, if he found out you're 16 and still said he's 24, he's 37.

1:18:19 Simple Plan That's true.

1:18:20 Caller Well, I eventually ended up hooking up with him a couple of times.

1:18:23 Drew You had sex with him?

1:18:24 Caller No.

1:18:27 Adam How do you hook up?

1:18:28 Caller I don't know. Like, he'd come over.

1:18:32 Adam He'd just make out or what?

1:18:34 Simple Plan He'd lay.

1:18:35 Adam He'd just make out with the guy?

1:18:36 Caller I went down on him.

1:18:39 Simple Plan He is getting rough. Oh my God.

1:18:41 Adam Where was that in her head when I was 24? He came over to your house?

1:18:48 Caller He'd come over at like two in the morning.

1:18:52 Drew Jordan, he's a criminal.

1:18:54 Adam Are you living at?

1:18:55 Caller It gets worse.

1:18:56 Adam You're living at home. Jeff, it gets worse. It gets worse.

1:19:01 Simple Plan I'm sorry. I'm worried.

1:19:03 Adam Go ahead. Keep going, Jeff.

1:19:04 Caller He's married.

1:19:05 Adam He's married. And are you falling in love with him?

1:19:09 Caller I don't want to get mixed up in that. But I was having a good time and I guess he got kind of intense with it and he told me he loved me and I know that's got to be a lot of BS.

1:19:21 Adam Well, a little. Let's just get the lay of the land here. Are you living at home with both your parents?

1:19:25 Drew Yes.

1:19:27 And my little brother.

1:19:28 Drew How'd this guy show up at 2 in the morning?

1:19:30 Caller Oh, he'd he'd I have a sliding glass door, so.

1:19:32 Drew Oh, my God. I swear I'm putting laser, laser security system.

1:19:37 Simple Plan I do not want daughters.

1:19:39 Adam Hold on, Drew. You know, you need you need my tack crows. I forget the laser. The crows just sit on the roof. They just sit on. They sit on the ridge rafter right on the top.

1:19:48 Drew I want my house to look like a scene from Birds.

1:19:52 Adam They just sit there when they see your daughter leaving at 2 30. Run back in the house flailing and crying. You see her the next morning. She got a big scratch on her forehead. And then you get it. Uh-huh.

1:20:07 Drew That's what I'm talking about.

1:20:10 Adam All right. So, so, so Jordan. By the way, how are we doing with the big jugs, Jordan?

1:20:18 Drew I'm doing okay.

1:20:18 Simple Plan All right.

1:20:20 Simple Plan No Jordan.

1:20:21 Drew Keep looking.

1:20:21 Simple Plan Work at it, Chuck.

1:20:22 Adam All right. Oh, and I called Chuck Jeff and Jeff.

1:20:24 Simple Plan It's all good though.

1:20:25 Adam Sorry, Chuck. I screwed that up. So, you would just sneak out and go into his van with him?

1:20:35 Caller He, um, he'd come into my room.

1:20:39 Drew In the middle of the night in your parents' house?

1:20:42 Caller Uh-huh.

1:20:43 Drew Think how much of a criminal this guy actually has to be.

1:20:46 Caller I know.

1:20:48 Drew He's a good piece. Wonderful, Jordan.

1:20:51 Adam What does he do? Does he work with the elderly?

1:20:54 Caller No. He's actually in school. He's going to be a dentist.

1:20:58 Adam He's going to rape school. He's going to be a dentist. A dentist. That's perfect. Put them to sleep. Right. Okay. So have you stopped this activity with this guy?

1:21:08 Caller Yeah. We kind of ended it. He's in marriage counseling now. His wife found out and emailed me a couple times.

1:21:18 Do you get the crows on the computer, too?

1:21:20 Caller He started talking to my friend the other day and he was saying, you know, I'm in love with her.

1:21:26 Drew Wait a minute. You need to listen.

1:21:30 Caller I'm kind of over this.

1:21:32 Drew Jordan, this is a dangerous human being. This guy is basically stalking you. Listen to me. As God as my witness, this is a dangerous guy. He is a criminal. He comes into someone's house at the behest of a minor. He attempts some sort of sexual encounter with a minor.

1:21:51 Adam He's a love bandit.

1:21:53 Drew Yeah. He's married. This is a very, very sick guy. You, I would suggest you either.

1:21:58 Caller I'm going to seek counseling.

1:22:01 Drew Well, okay, go.

1:22:01 Adam Did your parents find out about this?

1:22:04 Caller See, that's the thing.

1:22:05 Drew But when you're, well, seek counseling.

1:22:11 Adam That's what happens to me. That's why I don't like Thanksgiving at the Corolla house.

1:22:15 Drew Because it all comes out of that.

1:22:16 Adam People get drunk and start talking about stuff, you know.

1:22:17 Drew All right, listen, Jordan, get a therapist and tell them about it. But you're going to have to do some talking. People need, professionals need to intervene on your behalf before this guy shows up without asking you and has a weapon or takes off with you or God knows what else this guy's capable of.

1:22:33 Adam Again, my attack crows. I thought of this idea some months ago.

1:22:37 Drew If you guys have a dog in your house, sleep with the dog in your room.

1:22:40 Adam The crows, they hang out. Just lock the door. They just wait for you to leave. They follow your cars. You drive around. And you know how they fly, Drew?

1:22:46 Drew With their wings?

1:22:47 Adam No, as the crow flies, you idiot.

1:22:50 Drew You mean they're crows and they fly as the crows?

1:22:52 Adam They don't need to follow your car. They don't need to wind around. They just slide right across the mountain.

1:22:57 Drew Just the way the crow flies.

1:22:58 Adam They fly as the crow flies. With their wings. Drew.

1:23:04 Drew No, no, it's so funny.

1:23:06 Caller With their wings.

1:23:08 Adam With their wings.

1:23:11 Simple Plan Okay, Stewie.

1:23:11 Drew Stewie.

1:23:12 Adam Alright, what does that call Jeff? Chuck.

1:23:18 Simple Plan I got bad news.

1:23:19 Adam What happened?

1:23:20 Simple Plan We didn't find Jordan, but you're now a new member of a few sites. I got you on a few things.

1:23:27 Simple Plan Don't leave your credit card around with Chuck.

1:23:29 Adam We're going to find those big jugs. You don't deal that big jug card to the ace man without him calling it. You know what I'm saying? Right, Drew?

1:23:39 Drew I know you're going to be troubled all night if we don't come up with it.

1:23:42 Adam Simple Plan here tonight. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. Chuck and Jeff both here tonight from Simple Plan.

1:24:12 Simple Plan We lost Chuck. He's on the computer right now.

1:24:14 Simple Plan I am back. I was lost in online porn world.

1:24:17 Adam Chuck needed the guiding hand of Dr. Drew to navigate his way through the internet porn world.

1:24:23 Simple Plan I'm very impressed on how you can navigate in all the porn sites and you know your way around.

1:24:27 Adam Oh, yeah.

1:24:28 Simple Plan A lot of school in there.

1:24:29 Adam When you've been there as many times as Drew, you know to find your way home. Of course. Let's take a question for the band. Here's Michelle who just saw the band on Jimmy Kimmel Live.

1:24:47 Caller You guys rocked.

1:24:49 Simple Plan Thank you. Thank you.

1:24:50 Caller And I wanted to tell you that I listen to your CD every night and masturbate to it.

1:24:55 Simple Plan Are you for real? That's hot. Let's talk about that.

1:24:58 Simple Plan Hotest call we ever got.

1:25:00 Simple Plan Really? What do you masturbate to? The guitar solos?

1:25:03 Simple Plan No, the drum parts, right? What's your favorite song to do it to?

1:25:07 Caller Addicted.

1:25:10 Simple Plan Ah, gotcha. Copy that.

1:25:12 Simple Plan I would have thought, you know, maybe a song like Perfect.

1:25:14 Simple Plan Hold on.

1:25:15 Drew I'm 21.

1:25:16 Simple Plan 21? Wow.

1:25:17 Simple Plan Inquiring Chuck.

1:25:18 Simple Plan By any chance, are you in the LA area?

1:25:21 Drew Covina.

1:25:22 Caller Yes, I went to.

1:25:23 Adam It means anything for them. They're from Quebec.

1:25:25 Simple Plan That's right.

1:25:26 Adam Covina? I don't know where Covina is. I've lived there my whole life.

1:25:28 Simple Plan So, wait a second. You said that you saw us live tonight?

1:25:31 Caller Yes, and I...

1:25:32 Adam Really?

1:25:33 Simple Plan Did you mass-med to the broadcast?

1:25:35 Drew No, no.

1:25:36 Adam She was there.

1:25:37 Drew Relax, gentlemen.

1:25:40 Simple Plan You were right there.

1:25:40 Simple Plan You gave me a hug? Like me?

1:25:44 Simple Plan See how accessible we are? Come on.

1:25:47 Adam They're going to be on TV in an hour or so.

1:25:51 Simple Plan So, now you could, yeah, have fun.

1:25:53 Simple Plan I'm going to tell you, this is the most flattering comment. I mean, we have people coming up to say your song changed their lives. You, you know, really helped me out through a problem. But this thing, this I masturbate to your music. This is pretty good.

1:26:04 Simple Plan That's the reason why we started it.

1:26:05 Caller Right.

1:26:05 Drew What you've been working towards.

1:26:07 Simple Plan Yeah.

1:26:08 Simple Plan Yes.

1:26:08 Adam Alright, let's talk to...

1:26:09 Simple Plan Well, thank you, Michelle. That's very flattering.

1:26:11 Simple Plan Thank you.

1:26:12 Simple Plan I'm going to go back to my room and masturbate.

1:26:14 Simple Plan I'm going to tell my mom that it was worth it. Mommy, that's why I'm doing rock and roll.

1:26:17 Adam I'm going to do this. I'm going to masturbate to you, masturbating to Michelle. No, it can be done. I like it. It can be done in a very straight way, too.

1:26:26 Drew Yes.

1:26:27 Adam I've done it. Done it with Drew. I've done it with you. You didn't know.

1:26:31 Drew Yeah, but...

1:26:32 Adam Yana.

1:26:32 Drew You didn't say it was straight.

1:26:34 Adam Oh, sorry, buddy. Amanda? You're 16 years old?

1:26:39 Drew Yep.

1:26:40 Adam All right, baby. The reason you've been on hold for 68 minutes is because Drew has a bad feeling about you, but I'm willing to take a chance. What's up?

1:26:50 Caller Oh, well, like my friends, they make fun of me because I'm like a really bad flirt.

1:26:56 Caller It's painful.

1:26:58 Adam Well, what do you mean a flirt?

1:26:59 Caller No, like I can't.

1:27:01 Drew It's okay.

1:27:02 Simple Plan Chuck is a bad flirt, too, and he still gets away with it.

1:27:04 Drew You mean you can't talk to guys?

1:27:05 Caller No, I can.

1:27:06 Caller It's just when I do, it's just like I repel them.

1:27:09 Caller They think that I'm a second grader or something.

1:27:13 Adam No, there's no chicks in it. There are no... Okay, I hate to say this, but...

1:27:17 Drew The Jordan UK ain't nothing that she could do.

1:27:20 Adam Oh, on the Internet. Yeah, here's the whole thing. There are no... For women, there are no bad flirts. They're just big asses. I mean... Well, look, I hate to say it.

1:27:31 Caller Someone went there.

1:27:32 Adam I hate to say it, but this is what we're talking about. Amanda? Are guys attracted to you?

1:27:38 Caller I think so.

1:27:38 Adam All right, well, if guys are attracted to you, then all you gotta do is not say anything. You know what I mean?

1:27:47 Simple Plan Just laugh at the right moment.

1:27:48 Adam Just laugh.

1:27:49 Caller My friends say that I'm too picky, though. I don't think I'm that picky.

1:27:53 Adam Well, have you ever had a boyfriend?

1:27:54 Caller No.

1:27:56 Adam That's good. Are you a virgin?

1:27:58 Caller Yeah.

1:27:58 Adam All right, that's a good thing.

1:28:00 Drew Good times.

1:28:01 Adam All right, you like a boyfriend?

1:28:04 Caller Yeah, I think so.

1:28:05 Drew Not really. It's fine. You're just young for a boyfriend. That's fine.

1:28:09 Adam She's 16, Drew.

1:28:10 Drew 17, 18, she'll want a boyfriend. Seriously, 16 is... Did you just turn 16? Yeah. Yeah, you wouldn't want to do it before 16. You wouldn't? All right.

1:28:21 Adam All right, Amanda? All right, fine. If you don't want a boyfriend, then fine. Go ahead and be picky. Drew was right about that. But you know what you do too, Drew?

1:28:32 Drew What?

1:28:32 Adam Drew will put someone on hold for two days and then when I say, why don't we go to this call, Drew will go, I know it's going to be a bad call. And then when I punch him up, it'll be a self-fulfilling prophecy. He won't talk to him. And then he'll say, see?

1:28:47 Drew I made them a bad call?

1:28:48 Adam Yes. That's what I'm saying to you. That's what I'm saying to you so that you can be right.

1:28:53 Simple Plan So not only she's a bad flirt, but she's also a bad call.

1:28:55 Drew Did I send telepathic messages to tell them to speak slowly?

1:28:58 Adam No, you just freeze them out. You just sit there and go, yeah, it's boring. I can't talk to them. Megan?

1:29:04 Yes.

1:29:05 Adam You're 21? Your husband's semen burns your vagina?

1:29:11 Caller It irritates it.

1:29:13 Drew I don't know what to call it.

1:29:14 Caller Burning.

1:29:16 Drew Is this a new thing or has it always been that way?

1:29:17 Caller It's been happening for about a year now.

1:29:22 Drew Have you tried wearing a condom? Him?

1:29:25 Caller Yeah, I'm allergic to latex.

1:29:27 Drew A polyurethane or an animal skin condom?

1:29:31 Caller They're hard to find.

1:29:32 Drew They're not hard to find.

1:29:33 Caller They're expensive though, aren't they?

1:29:35 Drew No, they're not expensive and they're in every pharmacy. Why haven't you tried that?

1:29:40 Caller Well, he just usually pulls out now.

1:29:46 Adam Megan, first off, you blew an exquisite opportunity to use my Yeah, but still. That's when you're wrong, but you feel like you want to say something and even the score. Whatever. Watch, Drew, do it to me. Have I tried the animal skin?

1:30:03 Drew Try the animal skin with all your things?

1:30:04 Adam They're expensive and they're very hard to find.

1:30:07 Drew No, they're not and they're in every pharmacy.

1:30:09 Adam Yeah, but still. Okay, you're right. All of a sudden, I'm right again. Everyone's got to start using Yeah, but still, especially stupid people. No, I'm just saying I use it all the time.

1:30:22 Simple Plan Or the whatever. You seem to have an issue with the whatever earlier. Whatever? Yeah, whatever.

1:30:30 Adam Right, yeah, no, that's the younger version of my Yeah, but still.

1:30:33 Caller That was very entertaining.

1:30:35 Drew Yeah, have you had a pelvic exam in the last year that you were having this symptom?

1:30:40 Adam Are you angry about something, Megan?

1:30:44 Drew What birth control pill you want?

1:30:45 Adam What's going on with her?

1:30:46 Drew She's angry.

1:30:46 Simple Plan How about diet?

1:30:47 Drew Would that help? No, hang on. What birth control pill you want?

1:30:49 Caller Um, you know, I can never remember that when people ask me.

1:30:54 Drew Is it like a mini-dose pill?

1:30:56 Caller Um, yeah, I think so.

1:30:57 Drew Yeah, and how long have you been on it?

1:30:59 Caller Uh, three years now.

1:31:01 Drew Three years. Well, here's the thing. That could be causing some estrogen deficiency or dryness. The pill itself could be causing...

1:31:09 Adam Why are you shushing me? Why what? She's shushing her husband.

1:31:16 Drew Oh, okay. So it could be the pill causing this. There could be a vaginal infection, okay, vaginitis that can do this. And there's the outside possibility that you're having some sort of reaction to semen. But that's very unusual. And already you've sort of gone on record saying you're so sensitive to this and that. You're sort of freaked out about wearing condoms. You've got a lot of energy here. You should work with a doctor who can systematically help you manage this. Because it's not... I doubt it's what you think it is.

1:31:44 Adam But, you know, good times. You guys have any kids? No. Okay, baby doll. Well, your delight. I hate to let you have to go. I really do. I love you. I could talk to this Megan all night. I really could. What a delight. What a sheer joy it is. You have any kids? No. I know. And by the way, I don't know what it is about the 21-year-old chicks who are angry. They always sound like... You know what they sound like? They sound like nurses who are in their 40s. And they're like... The people you get at the DMV who are always on their last nerve and they've had an ass full of people, they deal with people all day. And it's like you show up and you go, Listen, I parked around... You know, it's always like you can't ask anything. They're always curt and short. Anyway, wish we could talk all night. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:32:37 Caller Here it is.

1:32:38 Adam Bottom line, it sucks being single today.

1:32:40 Caller Tons of lame people and no decent prospects.

1:32:43 Caller Call the Dateline.

1:32:44 Caller Call the Dateline.

1:32:45 Caller 1-877-889-DATE.

1:32:51 Caller Loveline will be right back.

1:32:52 Caller So get your problems ready.

1:33:09 Adam Hey, everybody. That's it. That's the week. I want to thank Chuck and Jeff for coming in here for our Simple Plan.

1:33:15 Simple Plan Nice having you.

1:33:15 Adam Thank you very much. Always a pleasure, fellas. You come back anytime you like. Maybe in a few months, if you're in town, when Drew has his big premiere with the Olsen Twins.

1:33:26 Drew Oh yeah, are you going to be at the premiere?

1:33:27 Simple Plan We will try to show up.

1:33:29 Drew Yes.

1:33:30 Adam Probably.

1:33:30 Drew Come on.

1:33:31 Adam All right. I want to say that you can see Simple Plan tonight on Jimmy Come Alive, and give some thanks. We're thanks ado. First off, phone screener. Who's our phone screener? Brian. Brian. Out of sight, out of mind. Phone screener Brian for doing a fantabulous job. Could never be replaced by anyone with any different name. He's gay. I want to thank engineer Chris over here for doing a fantastic job over at the Mother Station K-Rock. I want to thank Junior, Junior producer Lauren for doing a fantastic. Job and producer Ann for doing a great job booking guests. And of course, the magic fingered one, engineer Anderson for sliding them potentiometers.

1:34:15 Caller The Liberace.

1:34:15 Adam Liberace.

1:34:16 Simple Plan That's right.

1:34:17 Adam The Liberace of the Potentiometers. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo.

1:34:24 Caller I'm sexually attracted to gay guys.

1:34:27 Simple Plan Join the party.

1:34:32 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors or this station. The producer for Loveline is Annie Gold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Thursday, February 26, 2004