Episode 1000591782909

0:54 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually oriented content.

1:00 Voiceover Loveline with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

1:04 I'm Adam.

1:05 That's Dr. Bruce.

1:07 Dr. Bruce Can I say hi to my second grade daughter Elizabeth?

1:10 No. Whatever.

1:14 Adam Dr. Bruce is filling in for Dr. Drew tonight. Dr. Drew is in New York because somebody dropped a nickel, and Dr. Bruce is board certified. He's addiction medicine specialist. He knows emergency medicine. He also does laser tattoo removal, and he really does know more than Drew. It's hard to imagine when you see him standing next to each other, but he really does know more than Dr. Drew. John Mayer is our guest tonight. Thank you. John, I saw on the Grammys. Let me tell you something that was very impressive to me. I saw John doing a, I don't know, what category did you do on the Grammys?

2:01 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Did I introduce this time?

2:02 Adam You and Matthew Perry were out there.

2:03 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Matthew and I did a rock duo or a group, I think pop duo or a group or something like that.

2:08 Adam Matthew's a very good comedic actor who doesn't, you know, seems to show up when it's time to show up. John was marginally better than he was at delivering the category. I was really surprised. Well, it didn't seem like much, but you were like very relaxed, very poised. Your timing seemed good.

2:27 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce For some reason, I care about that. I care about diction, rhythm, all that stuff. I always got like the worst grades in school, but in those very kind of specialized columns where they wrote the remarks, I would get fantastic oral reading.

2:40 Adam Oh really?

2:41 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Yeah.

2:41 Adam Yeah, you see, this is a very good point you bring up, which is a lot of people walk out on stage at these award shows and are surprised to see whatever's on the teleprompter. Always seems to me that maybe I ought to just go over it once or twice before you actually walk out there in front of several million people.

2:59 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce It's the art to everything.

3:00 Adam And sort of flub your way through it. And then a lot of people have this thing where it's like, well, I'm not a good reader. Well, that's all the more reason why you probably should go over it a couple of times. Like my whole take, here's my thing in life, John. I don't mind a guy who I stop on the street who does not know the words to the Star Spangled Banner. I don't mind that guy. I mind the guy who gets booked at the Staples Center six weeks earlier, shows up and halfway into it realizes he doesn't really know.

3:28 Dr. Bruce And they're sober.

3:30 Adam Yeah, it's like. I don't understand. Yeah, well, I mean, there is nerves, but some of these guys, you just get the feeling on the town car ride on the way to the stadium could have pulled a little, could have got your system to get something off the internet and gone over the beats just a couple of times, or maybe one of those quarterback wristband cheat sheets. You know what I mean? Where you just sort of go for the singers, just going down to it, getting the audibles, getting the plays off the wristband.

3:59 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce I have an old Rat Pack like dedication to preparation. Because you do these shows where you tribute an artist and you have these teleprompters, which to me, I think a teleprompter is at the bottom of the stage as a cheat sheet if you need it. To kind of load you up on the next line of the next verse. And these people, I've seen people, I've seen the biggest stars in music just stare down. If you're tributing somebody, you should learn, why not learn the song, prepare for it, but you know.

4:27 Adam A teleprompter, it's heroin. I'm telling you, once you get a taste, you can't get off it.

4:33 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce It's there if you need it.

4:34 Adam Yeah, yeah, that's how it should be.

4:36 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce It's there if you need it.

4:36 Adam Like heroin, a little recreational fun, no big deal, maybe swinger's party. But you don't want to get hooked on it.

4:43 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce But you never saw the old legends. You never saw like Frank Sinatra do the whole like twirl with the finger, you know? Speed it up, next verse, we skipped it.

4:51 Dr. Bruce You know it's scary being in a rock concert and seeing an old rocker reading the words to one of their most famous songs on a teleprompter.

4:56 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce If you're gonna do that, get a music stand and get a big bunch of pages and let it be known that that's what you're doing. Bruce Springsteen has a giant binder that's some PA hands to him before the show and he goes over his lyrics and he might even bring them out and put them on a stand. But this whole, we all, we know there's a teleprompter now because there's so many camera angles you're gonna see it eventually.

5:14 Adam Right. Really. I like, but see with rock bands, at least you figure, all right, the guy did so many drugs, got in a couple of plane accidents, you know what I mean? Has been beaten by a few ex-wives. I mean, you know what I mean? At least there's something there. 22 year old rapper, he's really gotta just get off the weed for that particular evening and read the cues before he goes out there.

5:37 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce On the other side of the coin, not that big a deal.

5:40 Adam No. John's right, John's always right. All right, we're gonna, let's see what we're gonna do.

5:47 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce I wanna get to the pot, the pot-induced impotence. This is what I wanna get to. No, don't worry, it's what I wanna get to.

5:51 Adam It's coming.

5:52 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce I'm ready, I've been preparing.

5:54 Adam It's there. John's CD, Heavier Things, is out now. We will hear something off it in the next couple of few. He's gonna be on Leno on the 19th, that's this Thursday, and also at the Universal Amphitheater, which is a very nice venue.

6:09 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce That's not this Thursday, is it? It's next Thursday.

6:11 Adam Oh, a week, I'm sorry, a week. Sorry, buddy. A week from this Thursday.

6:16 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce That's enough plugging.

6:17 Adam And then the 21st at the Amphitheater. And speaking of plugging, tonight Crank Yanker's new episode, first season opener. I think Eminem is on doing his thing tonight. So that's at 10.30 on Comedy Central. I know someone said John's a fan of Crank Yanker, so I thought I'd give it a rare plug. No, I am. Not good. All right, well, I'll work it out. Do you do any, well, you do voices. I just heard you do Frank Sinatra.

6:42 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce I don't do voice.

6:43 Adam Oh, you could do prank phone calls.

6:45 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce I could do a great prank phone call. My brothers and I used to do it all the time.

6:48 Adam Yeah, see, everyone, except for Bruce. Bruce, did you do prank phone calls?

6:53 Dr. Bruce Oh, when I was a kid, sure, we did.

6:54 Adam Oh, you did?

6:55 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce We've done some great ones. We've done some great ones. And in my time, we've done some good ones.

7:00 Adam Yeah, let me tell you something. There's a little bit of an art to it. Like some kid got busted in like Orange County last week because he called 911 like 3000 times. Anyone could call anyone and go, I'm dying.

7:10 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Well, the art is that you keep it in your court. And you don't let any kind of like idle time slip by. You're always ready with the nuggets. You always keep the nuggets coming because otherwise you let them have it. You always steal it back.

7:22 Adam But I'm just saying some people's idea of a practical joke is walking into work and going, hey, Bob, I saw your car. You got a big scratch on it. Oh, what? It's fine. That's not a practical joke. Because you can do that to anybody. There's nothing to fall for. Why shouldn't he believe you? It's going to go out to the parking lot. It's nothing funny about that. The idea is getting them to do something, to believe something that people wouldn't believe.

7:43 Dr. Bruce Having a car towed is a better practical joke.

7:45 Adam Yeah, or driving off a tow truck, as I once said.

7:48 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce My friends and I used to call, we used to be on the same line, being on the same line, pick up the phone together, and call another friend. And when that person picked up the call, I would say, you know, DMR communications with a collect call from, and my friend would say the name, to accept the charges, please say or press one now. And of course it's a collect call. And you say, thank you. You will be connected at a charge of $32 and 50 cents. And then the person is like, of course the person getting the call thinks it's some dire emergency. And the person calling is just, hey, what's up, man? How you doing? Uh, I'm good. What's wrong? Oh, nothing. I saw this commercial. They said they're giving a free CD away a week. To use the thing. Your current balance is $122.

8:31 Dr. Bruce Great for it. Good cranking.

8:34 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce That's good.

8:35 Adam Kids got range. All right. Let's go to the phones. And let me just say something real quick before I get to the phones. You know, I always got to complain about these Fear Factor show, not to show itself, but the promos. They run the goddamn promos at eight o'clock, like during Friends. And the promos are sort of the best of Fear Factor, which is the grossest parts. You know, crickets crawling out of people's noses, tarantulas on their face, and people noshing on otter sperm and stuff, just a face full of like putrid bile just dripping down. I happen to be eating. And tonight, I was watching Friends, and the Fear Factor commercial came on, and like I said, it's just boom, boom, boom. Just roaches in the nose and blood on, you know, it looks like Carrie, the blood dripping down the face and people bringing stuff up and having to come out of their nose and stuff. And I had to quickly put my hand in front because I was eating a sloppy Joe and somebody had a face. You know, they have some sort of tank that someone craps in and takes a leek in, and then you got a bob for apples in it and stuff. I mean, it's disgusting, putrid. People are heaving up. People are bringing, like vomit is okay. Here's all I'm saying. On the wake of the whole Janet Jackson saw the nipple kind of thing, which I don't necessarily agree with because it's during Super Bowl, fine, whatever. But here's the point. People are not done talking about that, yet prime time friends, NBC, people just bringing bile out of their nose. I had to hold my hand in front of the goddamn TV set because I was taking a bite of something, right, when a roach was crawling out of somebody's mouth. And nobody's got anything to say about this but me.

10:29 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Nobody.

10:30 Dr. Bruce It got your attention. It worked.

10:32 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Well, it takes a year to talk. It takes the papers a day to catch up.

10:35 Adam I'm just saying, I'm an atheist. So, you know, there's no big difference between a nipple and actually there is a difference. A nipple is much less offensive than a guy who's sucking on some squid that's been left out in the sun for a couple of weeks and is covered with maggots. I mean, that's ultimately more offensive than just about any right-thinking adult. Is it not? And by the way, isn't it just about offensive versus unoffensive? I mean, there's certain things you see and you go, yeah, that's a little. And then another thing you go, ew, ew. You know, I mean, you see a guy get a paper cut and you go, yeah, that's a stinger. And you see a guy get his head taken off with a girder and you go, wow, that's disturbing. That's disturbing to me.

11:17 Dr. Bruce It's pandering, people doing things for money. I heard some guy in the air tonight, he was hawking Vermont teddy bears for Valentine's Day.

11:26 Adam Now, Bruce, I hated the idea of you being in here tonight. I guess I came in and I thought, no, I hate the idea that Bruce is here tonight. I hate it.

11:36 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Bruce looks like an aging child star.

11:38 Adam Yeah, he really does.

11:39 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce He looks like someone you might identify with being in a big pack of kids on some show that was like a year before your time.

11:45 Adam Somebody from like New Zoo Review, 1973.

11:49 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Yeah, so a guy at an autograph convention who has like three people lining up.

11:52 Adam Yeah, except for Bruce's career is not going as well as an aging child star.

11:55 Dr. Bruce Why would it upset you to bring him for a monthly?

11:58 Adam You know, I just thought, I thought I could bring something up and you'd go with me instead of us sitting there and trying to come up with counter arguments for everything and then changing the subject. I'm in no mood tonight, Bruce. I gotta be honest with you. I came in, I just came in loaded for bear for you. I just thought, I've already had an ass full of Bruce and I haven't even seen him in two weeks. Yeah.

12:18 Dr. Bruce This is true, you're going to go to jail, buddy. Where's Drew?

12:24 Adam Can we get Drew back here tonight, Ann? Can we get him? We can't get him back tonight? Not tonight. All right, let's just move forward with the show. Where is Dr. Drew?

12:36 Dr. Bruce It's reassuring to hear.

12:38 Adam Poor John too had to come in here tonight. Bruce is gonna be here. Isabel? You're 16?

12:44 Caller Yes.

12:45 Adam What's up?

12:46 Caller I'm really tired. Okay, so to say no, what you're just saying about fear factor and stuff and Janet Jackson, my mom's really religious and she totally agrees. She thinks it's ridiculous that people care that they saw like a tiny bit of, I didn't actually see it, I don't know how long it was, but I'm guessing a tiny bit of Janet Jackson's body, but like seeing people eat slugs is like gonna get, you know.

13:08 Adam I'm just saying, when did heaving become acceptable viewing? Like on Survivor, where they're all, you know, taking a bite. Oh, well, I don't trust people that don't watch TV.

13:19 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce You got a stack of books, I get it.

13:20 Caller I know, I want to watch TV though.

13:21 Adam Okay, good, good.

13:22 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce And you got Kinda Blue on, yeah.

13:24 Adam There's nothing worse than those jackoffs who announced they don't have a TV.

13:28 You get about five a jog.

13:29 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce You don't understand how people who sleep past, you know, past five o'clock can miss that part of the day.

13:34 Caller I wake up at five.

13:35 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Yeah, that's right. And you're a good listener, move on.

13:37 Adam Yeah, John.

13:38 Caller Sorry, I'm not trying to be rude or anything. Anyway.

13:42 Adam No, that's all right. Go ahead.

13:44 Caller Okay, I was wondering what you thought the effect is of things like Fear Factor and just kind of indecent TV shows is on people and their development and kind of for Drew, if you saw any connection at all between that and his patients that are so far?

13:57 Adam The only connection Drew sees right now is the connection between his head and his pillow because he's in New York right now, sawing logs, dreaming of of of nickels floating, floating in the air and making his money for Trojan. But we have Dr. Bruce, who claims to be an expert at many things, who may want to weigh in on this, but what's that? They pay him. Well, there's nothing wrong with condoms. A lot of people think, I know your mom doesn't like condoms. She wants everyone to abstain and then get into the rhythm method. But for us folks who are, it's something called the rhythm method.

14:37 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce It's the new NERD record.

14:39 Adam The point is, we're all living on the planet Earth here and we don't want too many people to get pregnant or get sexually transmitted diseases. All right, baby doll, what are you, homeschooled?

14:49 Caller I used to be, but I actually used to be in the high school time in college.

14:53 Adam You're in college now? I guess when you're homeschooled, your parents are just like, yeah, man, this kid's a genius. He's like an Asian violin player, this kid. I moved him from the second grade up to high school.

15:07 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Do you think at homeschooling, the teacher hands them, take one of these and pass it, I mean, Pass it to yourself. Just take it.

15:13 Adam Pass it to your sister.

15:14 Caller My parents were very hard on me, though. My father would make me study for tests and then hide all my books and I would have to take it and he would check it and make sure I got an A in that.

15:22 Dr. Bruce Right, she's asking an intelligent question, too.

15:24 Adam You are, but again, you're in college now?

15:25 Caller Yeah.

15:30 Adam And you're 16?

15:31 Caller Mm-hmm.

15:32 Adam And what college you go to?

15:35 Caller I mean, I'm not like, ooh, I'm in Harvard.

15:37 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Do they have a sweatshirt?

15:39 Adam Yes, they do, but the hood unzips and that's a bad sign for college. That's how you figure out. Sweatshirt, thick sweatshirt, good. Sweatshirt with hood built in, not quite as good. Unzipping hood, bad times and reversible. You gotta get out of there. That's a trade school. That's bartending. Absolutely. By the way, we're gonna answer a question, but reversible jackets, anyone ever get their money out of those? Anyone do that? 50% of the time I go with the orange, the other 50 time I go with the blue. No, it's never happened. All you got is the world's crappiest liner. Yeah. Right? All right.

16:17 Dr. Bruce We're gonna answer the question?

16:18 Adam No. What was the question?

16:21 Dr. Bruce Strong sexual and violent themes, the issues with that would be more age related and what you find is that the younger the child is that's exposed to, even I've had discussions with counselors about MTV and the sexual themes there and when you get grade school kids watching that if there's an equivalent to sexual abuse because when you have something that's very stimulating sexually at a younger age, that can lead to some of the problems as an adult that people call it.

16:45 Adam But it's unfair to the people that were actually sexually abused to call that sexual abuse as well. You know what I'm saying?

16:51 Dr. Bruce Right. Well, it's just not of the same degree, but it's...

16:55 Adam Well, let's talk about this exposure to just about anything. It seems to me that some people have a constitution that is not rattled by it, whereas others are more easily affected by it. The brain's a little softer, if you know what I'm saying, like take a post-traumatic stress disorder. Some people have something traumatic happen to them and they have nightmares and they're almost ruined by it, whereas others have something traumatic happen to them and seem to be able to get on with their life. Some of it has to do with counseling and that kind of stuff. But wouldn't you agree that it doesn't affect everybody the same way, such as violent video games and things like that and violent rap lyrics? So it's hard to make a set of rules for it since everyone is affected somewhat differently by it and some people not at all. Thank you.

17:44 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce That was nice.

17:45 Adam Yeah, that seems to say.

17:46 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce I mean, it's almost as if all these rules and regulations are kind of done so in consideration of the person who is the least, you know, it's like, it's almost the lowest common denominator. It's angled towards the lowest common denominator.

17:59 Adam Yes. But somehow chugging yak sperm and then hacking it up at prime time has slid under the radar.

18:07 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Yeah, but gross has always been, you know, gross has always been a step. It's always been like, you know, garbage pail kids. I remember we had the garbage pail kids and that was crazy. And that was, they got to like series 112 and it was, but nobody cared anymore.

18:19 Adam I know. I just, you'd go to the liquor store and look at one of those kids and it's like a carbuncle exploding boy where some festering boils, blowing putrid pus out of the guy's forehead.

18:31 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Gross has always been alright.

18:32 Adam Like, yeah, I know, but like I'll, gross has changed though, because I'll tell you something. Years ago, about four or five years ago, one of the first season of The Man Show, we did a thing called Drunk Say the Darndest Things or something like that. We went out and interviewed some guy and paid him 50 bucks, he had a cube of butter or something. He was all loaded, some frat guy, and he hurled and we had it on film and it was funny.

18:58 Dr. Bruce It's funny, right?

18:59 Adam The Comedy Central censors, we're talking way back in 1999 or 2000, said, oh no, you cannot show somebody hurling. This is, you know, 10 o'clock in the evening on Comedy Central. In a few short years, we were down to NBC primetime, guys just vomiting all over the place. You watch Survivor, they do all those crazy eating cockroaches and eating sea anemone and stuff and then just turn around and see the person heaving all over the place. I'm eating dinner. Nobody but me, but the nipple, we got to draw the line there.

19:38 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Nobody's addressing the nipple. I'm not going to get into the nipple thing. Nobody's talking about the right part of the nipple situation.

19:44 Adam What is the right?

19:44 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce It's too far ahead and people are, actually it's an intellectual, I take it as an intellectual offense. It's an intellectual slight. The Brittany Madonna kiss, everyone, television is always going to be above us culturally. We're always going to look up to it. It's always going to be like, you know, television is the hot girl, the louder song than what you have. It's always, it's the high school assembly. And you know, the Brittany Madonna kiss, that alone was desperate and it kind of made us go like, are we that dumb? I know we're consumers, but are we going to consume anything? But the Brittany Madonna kiss was like, that was like six months ahead, which is about as ahead as you want to be. The breast out is like the person who busts up the back room poker game because he tells someone about it on the way in. It's like the one person who ruins it for everybody. And it's like ten years ahead. It's not next spring. And it always takes that one person to mess it up. A Brittany Madonna kiss fun, cool, keeps the papers rolling. There's always the one person who doesn't understand the subtlety of the gig, comes in and busts the door down and screams too loud and everyone has to go home. Now, everyone has to go home.

20:52 Adam And you're saying we can turn the stereo up to 10 if we click it up a notch.

21:00 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce A little bit at a time.

21:01 Adam Every hour. But if someone just jump jack off, runs up there and just flicks it to 10, mom's running downstairs and screaming. The cops are going to come.

21:08 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce It's having a cool party and one of them decides to go walking down the street drunk ringing doorbells.

21:11 Adam That's right. Yeah. Just like my old buddies. I used to beg them when they'd leave my apartment. And I would tell them, listen, Ron, we're in double probation here. The landlord says, we get in one more prom one more time. And then I'd say, look, we got this is a good everyone can party here. It's totally cool. I know you guys are buzzed. You got to you got from the time you leave this door to the time you get your car, you can't say a word. You just walk down climbing across, shut the door and drive away. Talk all you want once you shut your car door and then we can continue to party here. I went 10 seconds later. I hear him on the lawn. One guy is taking a piss, the other guy is pushing him, next thing you know is a fish on the lawn between two guys. And that now, now we're all spread.

21:51 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce For years, we've been able to enjoy a little kiss at a time, a little girl boob, a little boob.

21:55 Adam That's right.

21:56 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce And then someone had to mess it up for everybody.

21:58 Adam Ratcheting up, click, click, click. That's right, John.

22:01 Dr. Bruce Although I don't think you're going to see your bare breasts during family viewing hours.

22:04 Adam Not anymore because of what John said. They went too fast.

22:07 Caller Yep.

22:07 Adam They went too fast. John Mayer is here tonight. He's not only a singer, a songwriter, but a thinker, a renaissance man.

22:17 Dr. Bruce Exactly.

22:18 Adam All right. Dr. Bruce over here.

22:20 Dr. Bruce I've had anal sex and I've finished out a couple times.

22:24 Adam All right, please. The mic's still hot. Still hot. We haven't gone to commercial. I've always got to tell you about that, Bruce. Bruce, fill in for Dr. Drew. We'll come back, we'll hear something from John's newish CD all after this. Dr. Bruce is filling in for Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. John Mayer is here tonight. Do people screw up the pronunciation of your last name a lot?

23:22 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce The pronunciation?

23:23 Adam The pronunciation.

23:24 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce That's some ironic business right there. Sometimes, but I've heard it so much, it doesn't really bother me.

23:30 Adam You can't articulate yourself any better than that. I am going to play, you know, that's going to be played. You know what we're going to play at your funeral, Anderson? That and Dust in the Wind. Those are the two songs.

23:44 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce That's fine, I'm fine with it.

23:45 Adam All right, but it's Mayer. It's Mayer, yeah. Is it, people were saying what, Mayor? Is that how they were doing it?

23:56 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce No, Mayer.

23:57 Adam Oh, they were doing Mayer?

23:58 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Oh, Mayer, yeah. I mean, I was on Saturday Night Live a couple months ago and Jack Black introduced me as John Mayer.

24:03 Adam Oh, really?

24:04 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Which is good, and I know this is gonna sound like an American Idol kind of answer, but it shows me that I'm not done. Like, you know, there's still more people to, you know what I mean? There's still more people to go before everybody looks at that last name and goes, Mayer.

24:18 Adam Yes.

24:18 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce You know what I mean? I got time.

24:19 Adam That's true, all right, that's good. Very philosophical.

24:23 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce I wanna keep recruiting.

24:24 Adam Yeah.

24:25 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce You know?

24:25 Adam Jack Black could use a good ass kicking, though, I mean.

24:29 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce You don't like Jack Black?

24:30 Adam No, I like Jack Black, actually. He's a dear, dear friend. Jack Black lives about, Jack Black lives about six, seven houses for me. And we've both been aware of this for many years. And we both always discuss coming by. And you know, his girlfriend, Laura Keitlinger, was the first chick co-host of Loveline, the TV show.

24:57 Dr. Bruce Really?

24:57 Adam Yeah, and we're friendly, too. Never been to their house, never been there. I know, that's how you know you love each other. It's like me and my family, you know, I never see each other. But that's how you know, that's you know there's love. You're secure enough not to see the person. That's right. Katie?

25:14 Yes.

25:15 Adam You're 20?

25:15 Caller Yes.

25:16 Adam What's up?

25:23 Caller Do therapy and whatnot.

25:25 Adam What concert was it?

25:27 Caller Well, it was an STP concert, but Disturbed was the band playing.

25:33 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Oh really? You mean during?

25:36 Adam What do you mean? Like somebody felt you up from behind?

25:38 Caller It was very small arena and kind of had one arm around me and fingering me.

25:49 Adam Dude, what from the guys were behind you? It was one person and you didn't know the person. They were just someone in the crowd. Mm-hmm. And you're wearing like a skirt?

26:12 Caller I had shorts on because I don't know. I wasn't thinking, I was being an idiot.

26:18 Adam Well, that doesn't make you an idiot. You can wear shorts to a concert. It's not like you're riding a motorcycle or something. STP concert, right? Yeah.

26:27 Dr. Bruce Okay.

26:28 Adam You said Disturbed was the main act at the STP concert?

26:32 Caller Well, they were the opening band.

26:37 Adam Hold on a second. I want to talk to my boys. Something's wrong with Katie. I mean, other than this event.

26:43 Dr. Bruce Mm-hmm.

26:43 Adam There's anger there. I mean, there's-

26:45 Dr. Bruce Anxiety or anger or something.

26:47 Adam Yeah, but there's something, there's something festering in her. This, this event didn't help. Don't get me wrong.

26:52 Dr. Bruce Previous abuse.

26:53 Adam Previous abuse. Previous abuse. Katie? Previous abuse? All right. I'll buy, I'm buying that. What, what was the family? And we'll get back. And by the way, I'm not dismissing what happened to you at the SDP to Slash Disturb concert. I'm just saying, in our professional opinion or experience, when these things happen, usually it was that the groundwork was laid by a horrible stepdad or a crappy grandpa many years ago.

27:35 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Can I ask one thing? Are you saying that that's the reason that she didn't defend herself because it happened before? I mean, how could you, how could you? Yeah.

27:43 Adam Well, no, there's two, there's two things. And again, not the most politically correct angle to take. There's two things. When people, super healthy, emotionally healthy, people have people accost them, but they just start kicking and screaming. It's like trying to take a chicken and a plant.

28:01 Dr. Bruce Boundaries have been violated in the past and somewhere.

28:03 Adam Yeah. People that usually were abused, and sometimes it could just be emotionally abused, or tend to freeze up.

28:10 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Gotcha.

28:10 Adam And they sort of seize up and they let the person, Gotcha. and they be victimized essentially. And then it becomes a repetition thing. They get victimized over and over again.

28:20 Dr. Bruce Right, perpetrators sense it in someone.

28:22 Adam It's not their fault, but it just, it sheds a little light on their situation. Katie? So it was, and we'll get to this. Now, did you do anything? So the guy grabbed you and assaulted you this way. Did you turn him in? Did you scream?

28:42 Caller No, I made my way out of the crowd as fast as I could.

28:46 Caller And...

28:48 Adam Were you there with anybody?

28:50 Caller It was, but the floor kind of a pit formed and people, you know, spread out and were smushed together. And I wasn't anywhere near anyone. I had someone.

28:59 Adam So, so he started doing this and you got away.

29:04 Caller Well, eventually, yeah.

29:07 Adam Well, eventually, but, I mean, just a matter of minutes or. Yeah. How long did it go on for?

29:16 Dr. Bruce So Katie, Katie, understand what I.

29:18 Adam It's would be kind of an eternity. And that's, that's a whole STP song, right?

29:23 Dr. Bruce So you were frozen with fear or you were frozen by what was going on by the event when he was doing this to you? So you understand what Adam's saying. He's saying that this suggested maybe in your past, it might not have been sexual abuse, but you were abused emotionally or, you know, even yelled at real severely as a child. There are many things that can set in motion.

29:45 Adam You got a crappy dad?

29:48 Caller My mom is, suffers from severe depression and OCD. And there was a lot of chaos growing up.

29:55 Dr. Bruce Right. And that's chaos is a great word for what happens in some families that leads to this kind of a. All right.

30:01 Adam So here's, here's the thing, Katie. This, this will be a help and then we can all move on here. If you look at this episode at the concert at 16, it's sort of the point where your life started coming unraveled. You got to slide back about 14 years from that point. It's a mom with OCD or mom with a severe depression, bad family unit, growing up in the midst of all that. That's the, that's where the real damage was done. So you're trying to sort out the 16 year old STD, STP, eventually I was going to say, concert thing is really just sort of spinning your wheels. I mean, some therapy for the past and you can work your way up to the STP concert at 16, but that's not the thing to focus on.

30:51 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce But also focus on the fact that she hadn't been abused before, therefore the theory that abuse kind of breaks down someone's walls doesn't hold because she had no reason to not.

31:05 Adam Well, I think what happened here is a kind of a push, which is she was paralyzed by this, but she was able to pull herself out of the situation. She wasn't abused in a wholesale way growing up, but she did have a lot of depression and probably a family that was sort of borderline abusive. So it's sort of, her powers were at 50% when she got, you know what I'm saying?

31:30 Dr. Bruce And also an experience like that can turn a switch in your brain. You may have some of the anxiety features that your mother had and having that happen to you may put you into that mode psychologically. One thing that Adam mentioned before about PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder, especially something at age 16, what we found is that there are huge releases of cortisone, of adrenaline, other chemicals that in the brain actually support a rewiring effect. And you end up having, that's where the dream, the bad dreams come from, the anxiety, the physical symptoms you get when in the future you have...

32:06 Adam That's what happened with you and Nam, right?

32:08 Dr. Bruce Nam, huh? No. But if therapy to this point hasn't helped...

32:12 Adam He was used as a comfort woman in Vietnam, by the way, for many years.

32:15 Dr. Bruce Continued therapy would really help you in dealing with intimacy and having a successful relationship.

32:21 Adam Angry and depressed, rightfully so, but I can hear it in your voice. So let's get some therapy. No big deal. I was just at the shrink today. It was good times. Yeah, go to the shrink.

32:31 Dr. Bruce Your dad's a great shrink.

32:32 Adam No crying there. Yeah, genius.

32:34 Dr. Bruce Runs in the family.

32:34 Adam I can bring some of that home. All right, let's hear something from John Mayer. How about that? You cued up there... Is it Anderson or Chris? I always forget. That's young. Chris got it. Off of Heavier Things, this is called Clarity. John Mayer's here tonight. A little something from Heavier Things.

37:07 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce That's the first time my musical ever, and last time my song has ever been played on a rock station. That's pretty cool.

37:12 Adam Yeah. Oh, well.

37:13 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce It's not so far away from rock. It's just the perception. I mean, they'll play Jack Johnson and Coldplay. I don't think I'm any lighter than Coldplay. It's just the, you know, it's the way it all plays out. And somewhere down the line, I became the pinup.

37:26 Dr. Bruce That song would seem like it would be a crossover play.

37:28 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce I hope so.

37:28 Dr. Bruce I could hear that on K-Rock though.

37:29 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce That's Questlove from the Roots playing drums.

37:31 Adam Well, you did hear it on K-Rock a second ago. But listen, it's not the last time. The last time will be in the 11 o'clock hour when we play one more song off the city. That will be the last time.

37:41 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce It's all right.

37:42 Adam All right. Speaking of plugs, Crank Yanker on, Yanker's on Comedy Central tonight. 10.30, big premiere. I think Eminem is on tonight's episode. Take a quick break, Seediddle. John Mayer here tonight. We'll be right back after this. Bye Hey, everybody. Loveline, I'm Adam. That's Dr. Bruce. Dr. Bruce filling in for Dr. Drew. Tomorrow night, I think Dr. Alter is gonna be in here, the unfortunately named doctor specializes in gender reassignment, who, as much as I wanted to say, was just, I believe, as a quack, and I started screaming at him that, these guys throw this, oh, it's a man, it's a woman trapped inside a man's body, as if it's this, oh, oh, I didn't realize, yeah, that's syndrome. Like, this is some sort of viable medical excuse. There's a woman in you, ah, well, now I'm wrong. Now go ahead and hack the penis off, by all means. I know there's a woman trapped inside, Napoleon is trapped inside of me. I'm crazy. At least I got a dude in me. Yeah, but the guy is a genius.

39:12 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce But Dr. Bruce, do you know anything about that? Anything at all about that transgender stuff? Cause I have a question about that.

39:18 Adam I know a lot about it.

39:19 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Okay, my question is, first of all, one should not be condemned for what he chooses to click on on the internet. The curiosity.

39:26 Adam No judgment. There's a judgment free environment there.

39:28 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Internet's an extension of your brain.

39:29 Adam You don't know where it's going. I know.

39:31 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Why is it that-

39:32 Adam One minute you're looking at siding, and the next minute you're onto the he she stuff. I know.

39:38 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Why is it that the men who turn into women, they're not fully women by virtue of having a penis still, why are those penises never firm and erect and large? They always seem to be shriveled, and you think that you'd get it up for the shot.

39:57 Adam I would, it'd be nice. I'm going with estrogen shots. What are you talking about? That's probably doing this. Now he's not talking about transgender.

40:04 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce I want, if I was- He's talking pre-op. If I was gonna be into the pre-op, the chicks with the rhyme, I would want to see robust, zesty, like man-sized penises. And all I ever see are kind of like the wet noodle situation.

40:22 Adam No, you're exactly right. And I've written many a letter on the same topic. No, it's true. Well, I got two answers and Bruce can help me out here. So John is talking about pre-op transsexuals, guys that are getting the estrogen, getting the waxing and everything, but have not yet had the honker lopped off. Right. So why is it those guys don't have an erection in the back of the magazines that has the he, she love thing? Now I would say A, they're on estrogen.

40:58 Dr. Bruce Oh, right. If they've gone through the counseling and they've already started the hormones, so it's guaranteed.

41:04 Adam How's that counseling works? Like, yeah, I like my balls and door cut off and I like to get on estrogen and shiva. Okay, sane. There's a big stamp that says sane. Slap that on the paper.

41:15 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce But this isn't about the penis as an afterthought. This is like, this is part of the hard sell. No pun intended.

41:20 Adam I agree. Why can't, I'm saying estrogen. I'm saying estrogen.

41:24 Dr. Bruce Oh, absolutely.

41:25 Adam Bruce, if I took enough estrogen, could I not get an erection or have difficulty getting an erection?

41:30 Dr. Bruce It would be difficult. Even if you helped?

41:33 Adam As you helped.

41:34 Dr. Bruce As you age and your testosterone levels decrease.

41:37 Adam Yep, yeah, I know. I'm looking forward to that, but I'm asking you.

41:40 Dr. Bruce Yes, that would affect your ability.

41:41 Adam These guys are on estrogen.

41:42 Dr. Bruce Right.

41:43 Adam So these, they're pre-op transsexuals who've been taking estrogen for a year. And this is probably aiding to the fact that they cannot achieve an erection. You think they could achieve, I think I could give them one. If I have a good old fashioned straight style reach around.

42:00 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce If they could, they would, that's the promise.

42:02 Adam Okay, I know. And the other thing is, is I think some of these pictures are sort of Photoshopped. And this doesn't really answer your question because just Photoshop a nice boner on there. Maybe, maybe they feel like that's pushing a little too hard.

42:15 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce The boner stamp, the boner tool.

42:17 Adam I like these sort of semi flaccid, but what I call leather, which is they got a little, there's a little chub in there, but they act like, you know how guys, you know guys walk around a pool at Palm Springs, which is, I don't want to flex. I'll look like a jackass, but I'll just do it in such a way where I'll do a few pushups in the dressing room and then walk around. That's what the guys do with their penis shots. You do this, you look like an a-hole.

42:40 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce It's actually a near erection made to look like nowhere near an erection.

42:43 Adam That's right.

42:43 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce So when your mom cleans the house up for a week and then tells company that she, it's sorry, it's a mess.

42:47 Adam Right.

42:48 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Bringing the scale up a little bit.

42:50 Adam Right, and I always, and when I see the near erection, I always wonder, is it on the way down or is it heading up? I like to imagine heading up.

42:57 Dr. Bruce It's a very complex process when you start replacing.

42:59 Adam Balls half full.

43:00 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Now, to disclaim also, to disclaim also, I'm just talking about complete thoughts. I'm not saying that I've subscribed to any of these things.

43:07 Adam No, no.

43:07 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce I'm just saying, we're talking about concrete offering. We're talking about, and that's the only thing.

43:11 Adam Yeah, and here's, speaking of that, and I don't look at any of this stuff either, but sometimes one can't help it when one is flipping through the back pages of like Hustler or Penhouse or something like that. I wonder, first off, we need our own page for this. Remember how I was speaking earlier about fear factor and guys vomiting out of their nose? It's the same sort of thing when you're looking in the back of Playboy and it's like, you know, he, girl on girl, hot action, hot chick, Asian action, and then you're sort of looking down and that chick's, where's that guy? Ah, Christ!

43:43 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce You seem wholly unprepared for the turns that life gives you. Right, right. You're like someone who should stay home.

43:48 Adam This happens, by the way, at the porn shop too, when you're, I want the gay section and the heterosexual section clearly divided. Like, there's nothing worse than that when you're just walking, you're doing that sideways, sort of lateral shuffle you do at the bookstore on the magazine.

44:04 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Once you start getting into the baby-killing bleach so much that it actually makes your eyes water, you're too far into the story. Once your eyes start to tear, you're too far in.

44:13 Adam My point is, is I have to, it's like I have to swallow it before I can taste the milk has gone bad. I know that sound that brings up horrible imagery, but when I'm walking into the gay section, it's always out of the heterosexual, it's always, uh-huh, ooh, what have we here? Ooh, what is it? A little gang bang act, what is it? Ah, crone, no! Oh, Jesus Christ! Guy's getting corn-holed, ah, ah! It has to fully be in. It's like, you hear the bullet, you hear the gunshot, the bullet's already in your chest.

44:44 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce And you have to feel the blood to realize you got hit.

44:45 Adam That's right, John is right.

44:47 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Gotcha, yeah. I'm telling you, the bleach.

44:49 Dr. Bruce I'm not sure I should, have you ever purchased what you thought was a hetero-porno film and then something horrible like that happened on film?

44:56 Adam No, but I have, I'll tell you the closest I've ever come to being raped is buying a porn film where the chick on the cover's not in the film.

45:05 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Oh.

45:06 Adam And there's no group. There's no one I can complain to. Nobody wants to hear the white man.

45:10 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce The chick having a different name in two different videos. Because you make a connection.

45:13 Adam Right, now, yes, John, please, we gotta start a group. We have to start a group.

45:22 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce OK, last one, I've been looking for years at this one girl. Her name is Monica. Monica is gorgeous. Way too gorgeous to be in porn.

45:29 Adam Yeah, that's the one you want.

45:31 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce And I've been watching, I've seen her named Rosie in Club. I've seen her named Bianca in Club International.

45:37 Adam Right.

45:38 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce And then you finally see her in a video and she says, What's your name? And she says, My name is Monica. And the fact that she's not American for me ruins it. Retroactively, every orgasm I'd ever had, I want to take them all back. I'm not xenophobic, but it comes at you all of a sudden and you find out, My name is Monica. And you're like, Oh, give me them back.

45:56 Adam Right. Sounds like a retarded chick from the Ukraine. I agree. Now, I've had this discussion with Jimmy Kimmel many times, which is you find out they're foreign. It's kind of, I guess they had no choice but to do porn. It's not like, I could have went to high school with this chick. Or God forbid some guy did and he gets to watch this. It all of a sudden becomes, they had to do this.

46:18 Dr. Bruce And it's not a discrimination thing.

46:20 Adam Or it becomes, I imagine in their country, everyone does porn. This is nothing special. Those who don't do porn, those are the ones they actually are chastised.

46:30 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce And I've met a lot of people in my life and I've seen a lot of porno. And I met a lot of people at the airport out of the way that I just made me say it's a small world and I still have yet to put a porno in and go, oh my God, there's that girl. Has that happened to you?

46:42 Adam Well, let me tell you, well, I went to North Hollywood High. I grew up in the San Fernando Valley. So I had the luxury, you were in Connecticut, I guess. I had the luxury, I had many bad things about growing up in North Hollywood. But one of the good things is, you know, half the chicks who grew up in North Hollywood got into pornography. My mom, my sister, my grandmother dabbled, saw, did soft stuff, a lot of Cinemax type stuff. The point is, is, yes, I did have that. I'll tell you, I'll tell you during the commercial.

47:12 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce I'll tell you my story too.

47:13 Adam Thank you. We'll be back with John Mayer after this.

47:15 All right, guys, here's the deal.

47:17 Caller Look in the hookup, call the Dateline.

47:19 Stick a waste in time with the wrong person.

47:20 Caller Call the Dateline.

47:21 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce One call is all you need to make.

47:23 Caller Call the Dateline.

47:24 1-877-889, date.

47:28 You know what I'm saying, I'm dead?

47:30 Adam and Dr. Drew will be right back on Loveline.

47:46 Adam There, buddy. Loveline, I'm Adam. That's Dr. Bruce. Dr. Bruce filling in for Dr. Drew, who's in New York checking the chain slot of a payphone. Cheap, cheap son of a bitch. And we get paid the same. We pay the same.

48:04 Dr. Bruce Not right off.

48:06 Adam Yeah, and then, you know, Drew's always like, Drew thinks, cause he went to college for like six years, all of a sudden, the world, he should be the richest man on the planet, you know? And he's like, he always goes, I'm a doctor. I go, can you believe we're getting paid the same money? He always goes, I'm a doctor. I go, okay, who makes more, you or Leno? You or Seinfeld, huh? Shut up, doctor. Jack ass is what he is. He'll be back next week, God willing. Bruce doing a, got off to a shaky start. I gotta be honest, but he's back. He's found his footing. Great. He's really making a comeback. John Mayer here tonight. John, spectacular guest.

48:43 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Thank you.

48:43 Adam Interesting, articulate, handsome.

48:45 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Going for the percentage, like I said. I'm doing all right. I'm gonna back off now. You do your thing.

48:48 Adam Yeah, see that's, that's, that's how you look like a genius when you do a show. Don't get in there in a filibust. Sit back, pick your moments.

48:58 Dr. Bruce Right.

48:59 Adam Pow, poke that Texas leaguer up the middle, double off the wall. So it's about, it's about on base percentage, not about times to the plate. That just hurts your average. Yeah.

49:10 Dr. Bruce I'm working on a coach.

49:11 Adam Smart.

49:12 Dr. Bruce Oop. Uh-oh.

49:13 Adam You screwed up by talking there though. What are you talking about, me? All right. Oh, wait a minute. There's a question for John. I'm gonna have to answer that. I don't wanna screw with your average. Sarah? You're 16?

49:30 Caller Yeah, I'm your biggest fan of yours, John. I've been to all your concerts in Connecticut and I know you're not supposed to say anything cause Adam has to check the rule on you now.

49:38 Adam I'm gonna answer, I'm gonna answer for him. I don't wanna hurt his percentage.

49:41 Caller Okay, I don't wanna hurt it either cause he's too good.

49:45 Adam Yeah, well I'll ask him. You have a question for him? You're from Connecticut?

49:48 Caller I live in Connecticut.

49:49 Adam Yeah, I've never been there, but I would imagine it's nice.

49:52 Caller I've been spared, it's terrible. There's nothing to do here. And I was wondering what you recommend to inspire musicians around here locally since there's not much in the scene right now.

50:04 Adam Hold on, John, tell me.

50:05 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Tell her to get out of Connecticut.

50:08 Adam John says you should get out of Connecticut. I'm going to embellish. The music scene isn't what it could be over there. You should possibly go to New York.

50:16 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce New York, I went to Atlanta.

50:18 Adam John says he went to Atlanta. I guess you can hear her.

50:26 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Tell her Connecticut's a nice place to be a baby and make a baby, but not a great place to be in between.

50:33 Adam Sarah, Sarah, what John says is Connecticut is a great place if you got to blow a dude. And it's nice for you to be in the back door action, but eventually he had to pick his boots up and head to more fertile soil.

50:50 Caller It was smart.

50:51 Adam Again, I'm just a little hyperbole here. What I'm doing is I'm coloring it in just a little bit.

50:56 Caller Very well done, Adam.

50:58 Adam Thank you, thank you. Anything else?

51:00 Caller I was just wondering if there could be a jack-in-the-dork off between you and John talking about the other night.

51:08 Adam Oh, yeah, yeah. I came up, thank you. You know, it's my own ideas would sound fine when they're coming out of my mouth, always sound horrible when people then spit them back at me. I was having a laugh with Drew. Remember that show, Name That Tune? Oftentimes, the thing I liked about Name That Tune is they would just, they'd pick a popular song, although you wouldn't know it, and they go, I can name that tune in eight notes. And then a guy would go, seven notes, six notes. Name that tune. And then the band would fire up and they'd play five notes of the song. Sometimes it was funny, they'd get down to one note. A big guy would be, one guy in the sax would be like, come to me, my melancholy baby. That's right. Really? Guy Lombardo, 1937. Really?

52:06 Okay. All right.

52:07 Adam So I came up with this idea and I know it sounds sort of juvenile, but it's called Jack That Dork. And it's really, it's kind of disgusting. I really don't get it. But there and back is one. Do you know what I'm saying with the hand? And so Drew and I were having a little funny kind of, we can play it with John. Now I figured that a good jack session, if you're good, is about two and a half minutes. If you're good, and figuring there and back is about a second, that would then, you know, be about 150 back and forth, you know? So start at like 165. So go something like, I can jack that dork in 165.

52:49 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce I can jack that dork in 160. 159. 156.

52:59 Adam Jack that dork. And we're both behind a pony wall.

53:05 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce And you guys can yell stuff.

53:06 Adam Oh, like I said, it's like you're on someone else's court, you're shooting hoops. Guys with those things banging together. I was laughing, moms out in the audience holding the thumbs up. We love you, baby. Mom, no, Christ, no, you missed the whole point of that.

53:22 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce That's rich.

53:23 Adam Bonus round is, you know, big pictures of Vietnam. Oven mitt.

53:29 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Monster glove. Halloween monster gloves.

53:33 Adam Monster glove. You've got to use the Arby's oven mitt. Spokesman's oven mitt.

53:38 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce And it's all chosen on a wheel.

53:40 Caller Oh, no!

53:41 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Oh, monster glove.

53:43 Adam Oh, wow. Yeah, dry run.

53:45 Dr. Bruce What about the Prel run?

53:48 Adam That's dangerous. It lands on Prel. You're in for a world of hurt.

53:52 Dr. Bruce Allergic reaction. What was Drew's take on all this? Was he helping you develop the concept?

53:55 Adam 154, I think I got him down. Is that what you're asking?

53:58 Dr. Bruce No.

53:59 Adam He's a confident man. And yeah, points deducted for closing the eyes. You know, that kind of stuff.

54:05 Dr. Bruce Did you come up with this spontaneously or have you been working on the concept for a while?

54:08 Adam It's something I've been kicking around since about the eighth grade. Let's talk to Ted, who's 17. Ted.

54:19 Caller Hey, what's going on?

54:20 Adam What's happening?

54:22 Caller I right now I am I'm battling depression and I am gay. And there are a couple of boys at school. You're gay. And one of them knows that I like them, but the other one doesn't. You're gay.

54:40 Adam Drew, yes, we heard you.

54:41 Caller I just I don't know what I should do about this problem. And I don't know if that's causing part of the depression or not. I don't know.

54:50 Adam Well, hold on. Hold on, Ted. OK, so a couple of questions. What is the question is number one, because otherwise it smells a little bogus. Like one guy knows you like them. The other guy doesn't.

55:04 Caller Yeah.

55:04 Adam What kind of question is that?

55:06 Caller What happened?

55:07 Adam Why is this a question?

55:10 Caller I'm just I'm just wondering what I should do about this.

55:12 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce I mean, do you want to bring them both in the understanding or bring them both into the gold ring?

55:16 Caller No, I mean, not not exactly that. I know that I can't have a relationship from either one of them, but I'm just how they're both straight guys. Yeah.

55:26 Adam All right. And what about the one guy? Well, first off, the one straight guy who doesn't know you're gay doesn't need to know you're gay, obviously, if he's not gay.

55:36 Caller All right.

55:39 Adam Makes sense, right? Kids can be cruel.

55:43 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce So this is semantics as to who knows and who doesn't.

55:46 Adam Yeah. Well, I'm just wondering, it's got a bogus quality to it because it really there's no question.

55:51 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce But then again, you say like he does have some sort of lilt in his voice. Yeah. He does sound like he's got nothing to hide. Yes. Kind of like a certain up and down in the inflection.

56:05 Adam I'm not going all out bogus. It's just usually when there's no question, there's just sort of an announcement. There's it ups the likelihood of boguosity. That's all I'm saying. So Ted.

56:17 Caller Yeah.

56:19 Adam Nice and different. You're gay. Were you were you ever molested or abused or you just straight out of the chute gay?

56:29 Caller Well, my my friend that knows I'm gay, he was telling me that when I was when I was 11, I fought around with another guy and he was telling me that he turned me gay. And I said, I'm no, no, that's not what happened. You know, I've always been gay.

56:42 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce But 11, that's before 12. Right.

56:44 Caller That was when I was 11.

56:45 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Doesn't count then. Before 12 doesn't count.

56:48 Adam Yes.

56:49 Dr. Bruce How old was the other guy you're with?

56:51 Caller At the time, I think he was 16 or 17. Yeah.

56:55 Adam Now it starts to count.

56:56 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce So can I ask you a question? Yeah. Because this is like the third phone call. And I'm frustrated because it doesn't come to a point. Yes. Like, is the depression coming from the fact that you wish that you could have these people as companions, but you're facing the fact that you inevitably cannot? Is that part of the depression?

57:15 Caller I think it's part of it, but I don't know what's causing the depression. And I was just wondering if this is a part of it, and what should I do about it?

57:25 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Well, how do you know you have depression?

57:27 Adam Good question.

57:28 Caller Because I could tell. I mean, last week I went to the school counselors and I talked to them for a little bit. And Thursday I'm going to go talk to a therapist and they're going to see what they can do.

57:39 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce You know what I'd say about that on the depression side is hold off. Don't give yourself the diagnosis because you'll never give yourself the right one. And there are times in my life where I thought that I had depression. And it turns out that I didn't, that I was just freaked out, you know. So you might want to wait. First of all, until someone sits down and tells you that you either do or you don't because they're really good at telling you that.

58:00 Dr. Bruce Have you been suicidal at any point?

58:02 Caller Yeah, I mean, for a while now.

58:05 Dr. Bruce Oh, OK.

58:05 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce That's a good sign.

58:06 Adam So, Ted.

58:07 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce I mean, a bad sign.

58:08 Adam Yeah, but it's a good sign. Like when they say your test came out positive for AIDS, they don't mean positive.

58:15 Dr. Bruce Coming to terms with.

58:16 Adam Thumbs up positive.

58:17 Dr. Bruce I mean, when you get to age 17, coming to terms with being gay, sometimes you have there's a lot of stress. You don't have anybody to talk to or it's perceived that nobody would understand. So it's a great move going to the counselor, talking to people you can trust. You certainly don't want to disclose this to somebody that's straight at that age. Guys are very uncomfortable. They're just getting used to their own sexuality. If you get a straight guy, you might.

58:40 Adam Yeah, listen, kids are cruel. Do you forget about teenage? My friends have just really. Ed just left that department where they verbally abuse all those who are around them.

58:53 Bagot better run.

58:54 Adam Okay, no, no, that's that's true. It's not yet.

58:58 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce But there also has to be the nugget of hope that you can turn a straight guy out. That's always got to be sitting in the back of your mind.

59:05 Adam I chase that ghost for so many years, John.

59:09 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce But, you know, because having experienced probably at one point thinking he was straight and finding out the ease of the of the trans, you know, the translation into being gay. Yeah, you probably have to have, you know, some candle lit for the idea that you might be these two guys who will call Derek and Troy.

59:26 Adam I mean, right. No, guys are, you know, the public is definitely more fluid than they were in the, let's say the fifties, although guys not quite as fluid, thank Christ, is the ladies, which is kind of nice. So that's not as big a commitment sexually.

59:41 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Where do you live in the United States? Because this has everything to do with it also.

59:44 Adam He lives in Fresno.

59:46 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Oh, so he's in California. So you're not in the Midwest.

59:49 Adam Ted, talk to your counselor. And as far as these two guys you like who are clearly not gay, leave them alone.

59:57 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Wait till they hit the yearbook and then Photoshop it.

1:00:00 Adam Right. And then go to town. That's what I did.

1:00:02 Dr. Bruce That's why I got my revenge. Risk taking behavior.

1:00:04 Adam Went to town on that yearbook. That's my move.

1:00:08 Caller All right.

1:00:08 Adam Let's speak to Jessica, who's 26. Jessica?

1:00:12 Caller Yeah.

1:00:12 Caller Hey, Adam. And John, what's up?

1:00:18 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Hey, how you doing?

1:00:19 Caller Come back to SAC.

1:00:21 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Come back to where?

1:00:22 Adam Sacramento.

1:00:23 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Oh, I'll come back to SAC. I always do, don't I?

1:00:26 Caller But we went to a concert out there in July and it was awesome. It was John Mayer, Counting Carlyle's opening band was Maroon 5, so you need to come back over here so I could see you again.

1:00:38 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce I will. I promise.

1:00:45 Caller This last weekend, I'm experiencing this, like, I don't know what it is, some sort of effect of that ortho, the new patch thing for the birth control thing, and I'm experiencing that every time I orgasm, it has this after-effect where I go into major abdominal pain and it's only during this time. And I was wondering, because Dr. Drew's not there tonight, but Dr. Bruce, if you had any insight on that or knew of anything that that might be.

1:01:23 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce What do you mean only during this time?

1:01:25 Adam Grab some. Grab me some Funyuns, John. Well, Bruce, first off, do you know anything about the new patch? And secondly, what do you mean abdominal pain during this time?

1:01:37 Dr. Bruce Cramping.

1:01:37 Adam You mean when you're during this time meaning?

1:01:41 Dr. Bruce What do you mean during?

1:01:42 Caller Right after. Right after I orgasmed.

1:01:46 Dr. Bruce Oh, OK.

1:01:48 Adam What about it, Bruce?

1:01:50 Dr. Bruce I don't know anything about that kind of a reaction to the patch. What you're doing is you're getting this similar blood levels. It's not different than a pill. Right. Well, OK, it's theoretically no different, but when you switch even from one pill to the other or from pill to patch, you're going to have different levels of hormones. You're going to have the same, you know, you want to prevent ovulation, but you may have changes in your effective blood levels of the hormones.

1:02:13 Adam So when did you make the switch, Jessica?

1:02:15 Caller Oh, about three months ago.

1:02:18 Adam And the cramps have been happening ever since then?

1:02:21 Caller Yeah, it seems that since I think the past month, every time I get excited or orgasm, I get these like cramp feelings and...

1:02:33 Adam Even excited? I'll do it for you?

1:02:35 Caller Yeah, yeah. Wow. And so it's kind of a nuisance now because I get excited and all of a sudden I get, you know, I can't, and I just, you know, I can't have to stop. It's awful.

1:02:46 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce So I'll know at the next show if you're having a good time because you'll be doubled over.

1:02:49 Dr. Bruce But have you had any breakthrough bleeding or any other hot flashes, any other symptoms that might be related to the hormones? Yeah, you might get, you might be getting higher levels. Have you talked to the doctor? I would talk, go back, talk to him, describe the symptoms, and you may need to go back on the pill or try something else.

1:03:10 Adam Where do you wear your patch? You do?

1:03:16 Caller And my shoulder sometimes.

1:03:19 Adam Okay, you move it around a little bit?

1:03:20 Caller Yeah.

1:03:23 Adam And do they make one in an eye patch form? I mean, you may kill two birds with one stone. You get that sort of, you know, mysterious, uh, Vaughan, Vaughan villain kind of, kind of vibe. And you get that estrogen, you know, you get that birth control in there? No? No. You know, you know, you know, the thing about, uh, I was thinking about eye patches the other day, which is there's a great swing for eye patches. Like the black eye patch is like the Barclay man, he's very mysterious, debonair, he was wearing the white tux, he's a French Riviera kind of thing. And then there's the flesh colored patch, little cotton hanging out, stuck on the eye. That's a, like a transient who got infected because, uh, gave a guy 10 bucks and got like a bad load in the eye kind of thing. Like this is a huge difference between the two patches. You know what I'm saying? Absolutely.

1:04:16 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce One is made by Ace. Right. Right.

1:04:20 Adam I mean, like if you, if you just said to a woman, uh, I'm not going to tell you anything about your, uh, your, your, your mystery date, but he does wear an eye patch. I won't tell you which one that could be a wild swing.

1:04:32 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce You're totally right. One has a thread count.

1:04:34 Adam Right.

1:04:34 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce The other one.

1:04:36 Adam When the guy comes through the door with the black silk one, oh my, it's Pierce Brosnan.

1:04:41 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Right.

1:04:41 Adam And then, but then the stick on one and you got the guy who's, uh, he's, uh, herpes has spread into his cornea now because he's been scratching himself and picking his eye. Now you got the homeless guy. Huge swing in patches. No other patch I believe has, you know, uh, elbow patch. Not that kind of swing. Not kind of swing. You're not wrong. Thank you. That's what I love about John. See, he's, he's here. And he's not just kissing ass. And he's not just not kissing ass because I'm saying he's not kissing ass. He's truly not kissing ass. He agrees with me. Right. All right. For that, we're going to play another song when we come back. Take a quick break. We'll be, uh, hey, we'll break a minute or so early. You cool with that Anderson?

1:05:26 Caller And it makes up for all your other times you're late. It's great. We're back on schedule.

1:05:31 Adam Thanks buddy. It never feels good when I'm done talking to Anderson. Sometimes it sounds good. It never feels good.

1:05:38 Caller It's not designed to.

1:05:39 Dr. Bruce Give him a lecture.

1:05:42 Adam Anderson would either kill me or kill himself. You don't talk to him or possibly both.

1:05:46 Dr. Bruce He has that artistic spirit.

1:05:48 Adam Yeah. No, he's, he's, he's this close. He's this close. He fell. You know, he hurt himself. We did. Many, many years ago, but he's not been right. You know what I'm saying? You don't, you don't do that. Okay. You, you can handle. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:06:03 Loveline.

1:06:06 Caller My hair, my hair.

1:06:07 We'll be right back.

1:06:20 Adam Hey, yo, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Bruce. Dr. Bruce filling in for Dr. Drew. Dr. Alter, the guy who does the gender reassignment, who is, he is a urologist and a plastic surgeon, one of the, like only eight guys in the world that has both, he's a very brilliant guy, but yet cuts guy's dorks off for a living and puts a vagina where they used to be. And knows how to do it. It's got, there's a book around here that has some pictures of that, that is just.

1:06:55 Dr. Bruce I was perusing that the last time I was here. Yeah. Even for a physician, it's right. I was thinking, you, you, the stuff nightmares are made of.

1:07:05 Adam You've pulled truck bumpers out of guys' rectums and this is still a little disturbing for you. Yes.

1:07:12 Dr. Bruce Yes.

1:07:12 Adam Yes.

1:07:13 Dr. Bruce I was going to head to the therapist.

1:07:15 Adam He was, you know, he stands by, again, like I said, it's some sort of medical condition. If there's a woman trapped inside your body. I posed the question to, so they, he, these guys are sort of righteous about things like, hey, I'm doing the Lord's work. I got a guy, he's got a woman trapped inside. I let her out. I said, okay, listen, you idiots, what if I told you my right arm was possessed? It was beating, I was beating myself with it. I couldn't stop picking myself.

1:07:42 Dr. Bruce Where'd you cut it off?

1:07:43 Adam Where'd you cut it off for me? It's like, no.

1:07:45 Dr. Bruce You ask him this?

1:07:46 Adam Of course.

1:07:46 Dr. Bruce What'd he say?

1:07:47 Adam They never have a good, first off, no one's got a good answer for me and anything that has to do with logic. He said, he said, of course I wouldn't cut it off. I said, why not? I'm killing my, every time I pick up a number two pencil, I keep stabbing myself with it. He said, well, you're obviously a disturbed person. You'd need some therapy. You need, uh-huh, now you're talking. Disturbed, interesting. What the hell do you think the guy wants his penis cut off is, you idiots? Jesus Christ, are any greater argument for disturbed than when your door cut off?

1:08:17 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Look at the Mars Rover. You could fix it from Earth. You didn't have to go and take tools with you.

1:08:22 Adam Right. You didn't have to go whack its probe off.

1:08:24 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce You don't have to go take its probe off.

1:08:26 Adam That's right.

1:08:27 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce It's a software issue, not a hardware issue.

1:08:31 Adam John Mayer for president. Forget about this John Kerry.

1:08:35 Dr. Bruce You gotta play that for the guy tomorrow night.

1:08:37 Adam Yes, it's a software issue. You can do it from a billion miles away.

1:08:41 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce That's right.

1:08:42 Adam You don't have to send the Maytag man up there with a crescent wrench.

1:08:46 Dr. Bruce But you gotta admit the doctor's gotta be a genius to be able to make his living doing that sort of surgery. Doesn't get sued, doesn't get censured.

1:08:54 Adam No.

1:08:54 Dr. Bruce Amazing. My hat's off to him.

1:08:56 Adam Yeah, him and Mengele.

1:08:58 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce See, I'm not gonna be here tomorrow. You're talking crap about the guy who's gonna sit in your chair. That's something.

1:09:04 Adam On the other hand, a compelling guy, funny, interesting, and obviously a bit of a, I mean, just a genius to be able to hold a board certifications in both those subjects. Casey?

1:09:18 Yeah.

1:09:19 Adam You're 17?

1:09:22 Caller I was reading an article and it said that-

1:09:24 Adam I already don't believe it because he said reading. Go ahead.

1:09:28 It said masturbation caused stupidity. I was just wondering if they had any truth to it.

1:09:34 Adam Yes.

1:09:35 Dr. Bruce Was that from an eight 19th century religious publication?

1:09:39 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Were you masturbating with the magazine?

1:09:42 Adam He rolled it up. He made a penis burrito and he used it like a tortilla. All right, Casey. Thanks for wasting everyone's time, buddy. By the way, you want to know stupidity. How many minutes has Casey been on hold?

1:09:57 Dr. Bruce Hour and a half.

1:09:58 Adam 96 minutes and 35 seconds, everybody.

1:10:03 Dr. Bruce But you know, a lot of teenagers are concerned that masturbation does cause some physical problem.

1:10:10 Adam No, they're not.

1:10:11 Dr. Bruce Some are.

1:10:11 Adam No, listen.

1:10:13 Dr. Bruce I'm not that old.

1:10:14 Adam You're nerdy Christian friends, believe that, but us right thinking atheists, we don't have any thoughts about that.

1:10:20 Dr. Bruce In North Hollywood, that was never a problem.

1:10:21 Adam No, never a concern. You get beat off for not jacking off enough in North Hollywood. We find out a guy only beat off like twice in one day, I give him a good ass kick. Come on, you're throwing the curve off. Okay. No, nobody. No, there's women. I think what is left in 2004 is 15-year-old girls who feel the urge to touch themselves and feel like maybe that's wrong. That's still around, I think. I think the guys are gone, too far gone. I mean, by 13, you're on the internet, your mind is polluted. You know what I'm saying? But there are women who are 15, 16, who, you know, little water in the tub feels good and they feel a little dirty about it.

1:11:05 Dr. Bruce Well, that's certainly throwback to the late 1800s, that kind of a concern. So, I don't know what we're reading.

1:11:10 Adam We got a question for John over here. We got a gets drunk, some girls doesn't know. Wanna talk to him?

1:11:18 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Let's talk to someone who loves John. That's not good radio. Let's go to the guy that gets drunk.

1:11:23 Adam Okay, so modest. And don't worry, I would answer your question. So, it could be decent radio.

1:11:30 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce The bit's still fresh.

1:11:33 Adam Chris?

1:11:34 Yeah, hello.

1:11:35 Adam What's happening, you're 26.

1:11:37 Caller Yeah, well, it's a serious question, but it feels kind of silly asking. I think that's maybe a matter of sexual compulsion for the doctor. I tend to go out once a week or so. It's been happening for about a year or two. And I'm unhappy with myself waking up next to people that I don't really know, you know?

1:11:56 Adam And, yeah, where do you meet these guys?

1:11:59 Caller That's good. Bars, out, friends.

1:12:07 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce You're drunk, you're drunk when you do that?

1:12:08 Adam I get drunk.

1:12:10 Caller Generally, yeah.

1:12:12 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce So you blame it on the alcohol?

1:12:14 Caller Well, I think it's, I think that's part of it. I think it's more of a matter of just, I can't stand to be alone.

1:12:21 Adam You're 26, do you have a girl, you don't have a girlfriend?

1:12:25 Caller Not right now, no.

1:12:26 Dr. Bruce Do you remember what you've done? Do you remember everything or are there parts of the evening you can't remember?

1:12:31 Caller I generally remember everything I've done.

1:12:35 Adam This is 26 year old guy behavior.

1:12:37 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Do you see leaving the bar without a woman as leaving the World Series without getting on base?

1:12:44 Caller I don't understand the question, I'm sorry.

1:12:46 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Well, I'm sorry, I was trying to make it funny. I'm still vying for Adam's approval.

1:12:50 Adam No, that was solid. I thought you were gonna say with a program. But hold on, I didn't, in the analogy, I thought, I didn't think player, I thought in the stands in the World Series.

1:13:04 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Can we fix it?

1:13:04 Adam But it was still.

1:13:05 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Can we fix it?

1:13:06 Adam We can fix it by moving on. We can fix it by forgetting about it.

1:13:10 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce All right, so my mom used to tell me, you can help by just getting out of my life. You can help by leaving.

1:13:16 Adam That's right.

1:13:17 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Okay, so I'm just trying to, because I can kind of weigh in on this a little bit. This is the one, this is my pregnancy patch.

1:13:22 Adam Go, baby.

1:13:24 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Do you see it kind of like, do you see it like leaving the bar without a woman means that you didn't win that night?

1:13:31 Caller Sort of. Yeah.

1:13:34 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Now, let me ask you this, you sleep with these women? After you finish with them, do you wish they weren't there?

1:13:41 Caller Generally.

1:13:42 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce You just immediately, because when a woman drinks so much, you give that alcohol in her mouth about an hour to grow and it turns into like just the smell of paint. It's terrible. It's terrible. So here's my advice. And this is, I believe this is sage tried and true advice. Don't do anything with a woman that you wouldn't do if you would just ejaculate it into the palm of your hand. Which is to say, sometimes, you have to start making a decision as to whether you wanna go out and eat steak for an hour and a half, or whether you just wanna have a power bar. And you don't wanna go out every night and have steak for an hour and a half. You get tired of it. You have to really ask yourself every night, do I wanna have an orgasm, or do I wanna have an experience with a woman? Because if you choose wrong, you'll be in bed with a woman and realize that you just wanted to have the orgasm, and you'll realize that you just wanted to go and enjoy your 5.1 and fall asleep watching Seinfeld on TiVo.

1:14:40 Adam John, I agree with John when he says to jack off on a power bar, and I think I'm hearing him right. Yeah, yeah, but his question, and this is all sage advice, but is he sexually compulsive, is probably what he wants to know if he fits that description. Do you wanna know that question?

1:15:09 Dr. Bruce Well, you wanna find out about compulsion. Are you, not compulsion, but are you having a problem with alcohol? Are you having loss of control with sex, or is there a loss of control with your drinking? And those are the questions I'd wanna hear about. What's your family history with alcohol?

1:15:24 Caller A bit of both. There is a family history with alcohol. I don't drink more than two or three times a week, but when I do, I go overboard.

1:15:30 Dr. Bruce Okay, okay, so you're basically in the early phases of alcoholism, and with that, just what you've told us and with your family history, you can continue to drink and the problems will get worse and eventually you'll have enough evidence in your own mind to start going to AA or to recognize and admit to your alcohol.

1:15:49 Adam Well, here's what I've learned from Drew, which is, yes, is what you're saying, which is usually if you're sexually compulsive or addicted, you're addicted to other things as well, and that'll sort of blossom in the same garden as the sexual compulsivity. His drinking?

1:16:05 Dr. Bruce Well, he says two or three times a week.

1:16:07 Adam Oh, his sex. Yeah, here's the thing. It doesn't, well, first off, you know, you play guitar on stage, so once a week sounds like a light load to you. To a normal 26-year-old guy, it's a pretty good run. Here's the thing, if he comes from a history of addiction, he's getting some momentum with his alcohol, he looks at this as an addiction, and addiction is just something that affects you, that you want to stop, that you can't stop, essentially.

1:16:35 Dr. Bruce Right, loss of control.

1:16:37 Adam So here's the news, feel free to stop. If you don't think you can stop, then you can start getting into SA, NA and all that stuff.

1:16:45 Dr. Bruce A real telling thing about what he said is that he either doesn't do it, but once he does it, then he loses control, and any alcoholic can quit drinking completely for a time, but I used to know a doctor that would say, well, I tell my alcoholics when they're still in denial, okay, you can go out, you can drink, but you can only have one drink or two drinks, and that's where there's a loss of control.

1:17:07 Adam You're 13?

1:17:08 Caller Yeah.

1:17:09 Adam You got a question for John?

1:17:11 Caller Yeah.

1:17:13 Adam Yeah, what's up?

1:17:14 Caller I was wondering if you get out with any celebrity, who would it be?

1:17:23 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce If I could go out with any celebrity, who would it be?

1:17:25 Caller Yeah.

1:17:27 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce You know, I never really grew up, nor do I still live watching TV and like window shopping. I, you know, I don't really, I don't really think that way. I don't, I don't really think that seeing someone on TV or reading about them in a magazine is enough information. Jennifer Garner, move on.

1:17:43 Adam Yeah, I like her too. Good answer. Hey, you know, the move I like, I like when the celebrity guys get their publicist to do a little pimping.

1:17:54 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce That's, that's.

1:17:55 Adam It's something that nobody knows about, really.

1:17:58 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce It's window shopping on television.

1:17:59 Adam Outside of, outside of Hollywood. But, you know, people, men and women, celebrities, get their publicist to like call, like, I mean, you know, Jennifer Garner was single and John Mayer is single.

1:18:15 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce And certainly wouldn't do it by way of radio.

1:18:18 Adam No.

1:18:18 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce You know, I made damn well sure that that's not a possibility before I go announcing her name on the radio.

1:18:22 Adam Right, right. Right, yeah. Yeah, I don't know if she is single.

1:18:26 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce She is, she's not single.

1:18:27 Adam She's not.

1:18:27 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce But what I like is a stay at home celebrity. I'll answer you that, Katie. I like a stay at home celebrity. I don't like celebrities who go to red carpets for the announcement of a video game or the celebration of gravity or like just reasons. I actually want to set up a party every year called Celebrities Gathered For No Reason. I want a mixer. Right. That's because celebrities need to make friends with more celebrities.

1:18:49 Adam Yes, the ones, the stars that are actually star efforts.

1:18:54 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Yes.

1:18:54 Adam It's a...

1:18:55 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce That's what we need to get together in a room.

1:18:57 Adam Right.

1:18:57 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce In an ice sculpture.

1:18:58 Adam So the idea that John could tell his labels publicist or his publicist to go ahead and get hold of...

1:19:05 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce If I wanted to.

1:19:06 Adam Yeah, if he wanted to send over a CD, tell... And it works oftentimes because celebrities, even though they're celebrities, are also fans of other celebrities.

1:19:17 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Celebrities date based on concept. They're conceptual daters. They don't look at the inherent values of people. They say, how does that look? How does that come off in my mind? The concept of me and you, you make records, I make movies. I like that concept, let's go out. But I like a stay at home celebrity, KD. I like someone who like tends to gardens. Someone who doesn't go out. Someone who does their job, they're a salary man. They put on their suit and tie, they go be sexy, kick people in the face with high heels, disarm bombs week after week, an alias show. We managed to recover the box, but it was damaged. The key to the box that holds the code that will answer the riddle to the door that will get you, it's like, oh my God, take me home. But she goes and does that, goes home, watches TV, tends to the garden, I love it.

1:20:04 Adam That's right, tends to garden, morphemism for masturbation, I'm assuming.

1:20:09 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce But anything over four dogs is nuts.

1:20:12 Adam Yes, and how many cats?

1:20:14 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Yeah, no cats.

1:20:15 Adam Two and a half?

1:20:16 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce No cats whatsoever.

1:20:17 Adam No cats, all right, interesting. Okay, all right, so there's Jennifer Garner. That's your answer. Let's hear a John Mayer song. Should we do that? I think we can. Chris, you looking good over there, buddy? Oh, I got it written down here. Off of Heavier Things, this one is called Bigger Than My Body.

1:24:56 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Unbelievable that she called, isn't it? Unbelievable. She called in.

1:25:00 Adam Jennifer?

1:25:00 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Yeah, I got the numbers.

1:25:02 Adam Oh, sweet. She's gonna be waiting in the parking lot for John to exit. John is a wonderful voice, wonderful musician, and therefore really gets his pick of the litter with the ladies. I don't because I have a sense of humor, and women love a sense of humor, but if they don't think you're funny, then you ain't the sense of humor they love, and therefore it doesn't count.

1:25:27 Dr. Bruce A stu-observation, I agree.

1:25:28 Adam A sense of humor, it's like, it doesn't, your sense, you could have the greatest sense of humor in the world, if you're with some dits who's chewing gum, popping her gum and staring at her nails, you don't have a sense of humor in her mind, you don't get a leg.

1:25:42 Dr. Bruce Their definition, when a woman says, oh, he's got a great sense of humor, is not, Mayer, your definition of it.

1:25:47 Adam Yeah, they think I'm more Hasselhoff funny, maybe Howie Mandel funny, they're not thinking.

1:25:52 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce But at the same time, when I talk about liking celebrities, or who's my favorite celebrity, who I wish I could be with, I don't feel any closer, I honestly don't feel any closer. I don't feel like I got my celebrity card in the mail with the glue I could play with on the envelope that says you can now have access to everything. If I pass a celebrity in the airport, I don't know that guy any better than the person who passed right before me.

1:26:13 Adam But here's your key to sexual success, is you get them in the audience. You get them in the audience at one of your shows, and if they make it backstage and they're not with anybody, it's game on. It's game. Let me work with you, John.

1:26:31 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Let me work with you.

1:26:32 Adam Let me broker.

1:26:33 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce But I need a handicap. So I need to take it outside of that situation. This is absolutely true. If you're gonna have a girl come backstage, you've got to immediately move it to a neutral position because it's too much of a home game. You gotta take the game of Houston.

1:26:45 Adam What are you saying? It's like you get to put a horseshoe in your boxing glove. No. You take that win.

1:26:51 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce But no, it's a shit. No, listen.

1:26:53 Caller Let me handle it.

1:26:54 Adam I'll get backstage. I'll do the brokering. Just, just let me backstage.

1:27:00 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce I'll handle it. You're missing one crucial point.

1:27:01 Adam What is that?

1:27:02 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Somewhere down the line, somewhere down the line, the woman looks at you and says, Oh my God, that was easy. Wait a minute. That was too easy. Then they say this, which inevitably every woman will say to you, you do this all the time, don't you? So what you have to do is, if you really like somebody, you say, you know what? We're going to skip tonight. We're going to effectively remove tonight from my advantage base. And we're going to move this. I'm going to wait. Give me your email address. Don't even give me your phone number. And I'm going to prove to you, because at some point down the line, it's too good to be true. And they look at you and they go, wait a minute, and they put two and two together, which Hollywood people don't do enough. Look who I stole from so and so. Well, it's going to happen on the back end too. You got to prove that the way in.

1:27:42 Adam You're right. And all you got to do is do hold out. You have one dry night and then each chick that comes back, you push back. So you get to nail the one from last night, tonight, and the one you push back, you nail her the next night. Perfect. Diabolical. We have to take a break. I'm glad we worked that out. John Mayer is here. He says, one day, like one dry night, and then that's it. The rest, boom, is a dominoes. We'll take a break. We'll be right back.

1:28:08 Caller Hello, this is your radio.

1:28:30 Adam Hey, everybody, Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Bruce, filling in for Dr. Drew. John Mayer is here tonight. And been a banner guest, by the way. Bruce, you've been here, you've been here about 50 times. Yes?

1:28:47 Dr. Bruce 14 years.

1:28:49 Adam 150 times. You've seen guests come, you've seen them go. Not many better than John. No. Yes?

1:28:57 Dr. Bruce I'm honestly not blowing hot air. He's probably in the top two guests I've ever been here with.

1:29:02 Adam That's right.

1:29:02 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Thank you.

1:29:05 Adam Chris?

1:29:06 Yo, Adam.

1:29:08 Adam You're 21, what's up?

1:29:10 Caller First of all, Adam, you're my god. John Mayer, your music just kicks ass, man.

1:29:17 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Thank you.

1:29:18 Caller But I was just calling to ask you a question. I've been dating a girl for about four months now. We've been having sex on a pretty regular basis. And, but she could never like orgasm. So I don't know, it was kind of a concern. Well, she said she'd never orgasm before. She's only 19, but we tried anal sex and she got off. So I was wondering if there's any reason for that.

1:29:52 Dr. Bruce Well, not to say that anal sex is abnormal or wrong, but as a Christian, no, the fact that it took that for her to orgasm, there could be some abuse in the past. It could be related to that. Chris, does she have issues? Does she have other issues? Any kind of known problems?

1:30:12 Caller Yeah, well, I mean, she had, I don't know, I've kind of thought that she does have like a little bit of a little girl voice, but not like, I don't know, not like, you know.

1:30:22 Adam Yeah. Here's the thing. Let me tell you something about the anus is a, it's an unforgiving mistress. It's my grandfather, he was a mariner. He used to say, I think he was confused. But he, I mean, here's the whole thing. It sounds great, like, hey man, this chick wants it in the ass. She wants it every night. Eventually it becomes a burden. Do you know what I'm saying? It's like some Twilight Zone where somebody says, you get to eat a banana split for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It's like, fantastic. And then cuts to three weeks later and the guy's vomiting every time he looks at a marshmallow sauce.

1:31:06 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce So it's supposed to be like wet food.

1:31:07 Adam Yeah. Yeah, for a pet, yeah. You gotta mix a little kibble in every once in a while. Keep it real. You have something to, something to go off of. You need a starting place.

1:31:18 Dr. Bruce So it's not a fetish, but some people need a certain abnormal or unusual stimulation to have sexual arousing.

1:31:24 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Well, why does it have to be, why can't it be physical though? Is there, are we ruling out?

1:31:28 Adam Nah, we're only ruling it out because Loveline colors. everybody calls this show has got some issue. Usually, here's the whole thing. There's a handful of women who love anal, and out of that handful of women who love anal, nine out of 10 of them are that way because grandpa gave them anal on their fifth birthday. One, there is 10% of them, though, who just truly biologically enjoy it. Hopefully, you got that one, Chris. Even if you got the one that loves it because grandpa loved it, you're still gonna have the time of your life for about six months, but then the wheels are gonna come off the wagon. So.

1:32:04 Caller Yeah, yeah, I understand. It's awesome, though.

1:32:06 Adam Yeah.

1:32:07 Caller It was my first time, too.

1:32:10 Adam Right, okay, buddy.

1:32:11 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Well, because you got the two-for-one deal, so you're probably the first person to have anal sex with her and you're the first person to bring her to orgasm.

1:32:17 Adam Right.

1:32:18 Dr. Bruce He might not have been the first person, though.

1:32:20 Adam Oh, come on.

1:32:20 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Were you the first person?

1:32:22 Caller Well, unless it was dad, but.

1:32:24 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Then you winked in the mirror. You winked in the mirror, I know it.

1:32:26 Adam Yeah, you did. You did that thing. You do the wink. You do the quick pose down, followed with the six-shooter move.

1:32:33 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce I was just gonna say the finger guns.

1:32:35 Adam Yeah, the finger guns, pow. That's right. Yeah, yeah. I'll tell ya, I, you know, the anal is, I don't have a taste for it. It really, it's, for a lazy guy who brings this sort of lethargy to every endeavor, it's too tall a order for me.

1:32:55 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce You know why I don't like it? Because I've never met a woman who was like, just put it there, I'm itching there. It's like, I'm always presented with it like, I want you to have this, and all of a sudden, I don't want that because it kills it for me. So I don't want to do it. Unless there was a girl who's just like, X marks the spot, you gotta hit that mark. Then I would, I want to be the one performing the task. When a woman says, I heard it feels, I don't need that.

1:33:23 Adam I don't need your rectal charity. Yeah, exactly. I don't need your RC. We'll take a quick break and we'll be right back. Well, that's the show, everybody. Dr. Bruce, doing a wonderful job.

1:34:01 Dr. Bruce Best guest ever.

1:34:01 Adam John Mayer, best guest ever. Welcome back anytime. What is this, do I argue with you in front of me? Heavier Things, name of the CD, A Delight. Never met John before, but we're thick as thieves.

1:34:16 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Thanks.

1:34:16 Adam He may soon be my one and only celebrity friend, except for Dr. Drew, and of course myself. I do count myself, so he'd be number three. We'll take ourselves a extendo 22-hour break. Dr. Aulter in here to talk about lopping off penile tomorrow night, and again, thanks to John Mayer, who is gonna be a regular now.

1:34:38 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Thanks, man, thank you.

1:34:39 Adam So until next time, it's Adam Carolla for Dr. Bruce saying mahalo.

1:34:43 John Mayer with Dr. Bruce Bruce looks like an aging child star.

1:34:48 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Ann Engeld. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Tuesday, February 10, 2004