Episode 1000591365206

0:52 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience.

0:54 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually oriented content.

1:00 Loveline with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

1:02 Adam Hey everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LLVE-191. Dr. Drew, board-certified physician, addiction medicine specialist. Of The Year is here tonight. We got the guys from the band, Dan, Ryan, and Josh, all here. I think we're gonna do a little...

1:19 Drew Swaperoonie.

1:20 Adam Swaperoonie. Yeah. We'll be rotating some other guys in from the band as the night wears on. These guys are out on tour with Lincoln Park and Hoobastank and POD and just got off stage at Long Beach Arena, yes?

1:36 This is true.

1:37 Drew Yes.

1:37 Adam How was it?

1:38 It was good. See, we talked about this, but I have this food poisoning diarrhea thing going on, so it was kind of a rough show for me, but these guys had fun. Yeah, I made it.

1:48 Drew No incontinence or anything?

1:49 No. In the first song, I jumped and I think a little bit squirted.

1:53 Drew But nothing anybody noticed.

1:55 But I talked about it.

1:57 Adam You know what's tough about when you have the diarrhea is you're always-

2:03 Drew Why, what's tough about it?

2:05 Adam Well, here's the thing. All a man has is his confidence, especially when he's out on stage, and if he's scared to pull the trigger on a fart for fear of the repercussions, then you've got nothing to see.

2:17 Drew You're preoccupied, you're preoccupied.

2:19 Adam When you question yourself.

2:20 Drew You question everything.

2:21 Adam Now they question everything.

2:21 Drew You can't trust any instinct.

2:22 Adam You don't know if your woman's cheating on you. You don't know. You don't know up from down, right from wrong anymore. If I can't fart and feel like I could be wearing nothing but- Chiffon. Just white, yeah, white. Cleanest. A flirty handful of white chiffon and be in front of the Pope and feel like I could get away with it. You know, just noise and some stink. Then that's the day. I gotta put the mic down and walk away from the stage. And I think the band is saying that is what, right? I mean, don't let me put words in your mouth, but that's what's going on out there, right?

3:01 That's pretty accurate, I would say.

3:03 Adam So you rocked and nothing rolled. It stayed in you?

3:07 No rolling, it was pretty good.

3:08 Adam That's great. And how are you feeling about now?

3:11 Drew Yeah, I was gonna say, are we okay tonight?

3:13 I feel all right, yeah, I don't know. I haven't ate all day, so I'm still scared to put anything back in.

3:18 Drew Lots of fluids, though, lots of fluids.

3:19 Yeah, I've been drinking a lot of water.

3:20 Adam Lots of fluids?

3:21 Drew Yeah, I take lots of fluids, yeah.

3:22 Adam But what can you do if you have this situation and you have, let's say, a long bus ride or something and you can't, you're not gonna be around something for a while?

3:32 Drew In audio, well it depends what you got sometime.

3:34 Adam No, I mean, you don't got anything. You get a cork.

3:36 Drew A cork? You have something nearby to, your pub can take.

3:39 Adam I mean, should we drink a lot of water?

3:41 Drew Yes, lots of liquids, always when you have diarrhea.

3:42 Adam But does that make it worse and make more diarrhea?

3:44 Drew Absolutely categorically not. People have this crazy misconception. They say, well, every time I put something in my stomach, it comes out the other end. Well, there's something called a gastrocolic reflex. When you put something in your stomach, it stimulates the other end to contract. There's nothing, whatever's coming out, was sitting there waiting to come out. It takes hours and hours and hours to get through what's in your stomach.

4:03 Adam All right, so you.

4:04 Drew And liquids just get absorbed right away.

4:06 Adam You should be hydrating yourself.

4:07 Drew You gotta be hydrating, yes. That's the thing.

4:09 Hydration, Dan, hydration.

4:10 All right, he did dump in a trash bag in the bus.

4:13 Drew Oh, really? Last night.

4:14 Adam You guys don't have the.

4:15 Drew Very dignified.

4:16 Adam You don't have the bathroom in the bus?

4:18 Drew Yeah, only.

4:19 But you can't.

4:19 You can't fire a missile in the bus.

4:21 Adam Oh, really?

4:21 Unless you have a grinder. And we don't have a grinder. It stinks real bad.

4:25 Adam You gotta have a grinder?

4:26 Drew It's better to go in a bag?

4:30 Some buses have like, in the bathroom, it's like a grinder. Right. But like nobody uses it anyway because it just stays there and it smells. So.

4:37 Adam So better to go in a bag and then.

4:39 Or out the window, whatever one's gonna do.

4:41 Adam And what do you do with the bag then?

4:42 Just toss it out the window.

4:44 Adam Oh, I see.

4:44 Drew That's good.

4:45 Adam That's what you ran into when you're jogging, Drew. Remember you're down in the Royale and you're jogging.

4:49 Drew You swore that's what it was.

4:50 Adam I told you it was the band.

4:52 Drew You didn't say this band, you said A-Band.

4:54 Adam I knew it had to be a band. Whenever I see Duke in a hefty bag, I think kids and rock and roll.

5:02 Drew Remember what I found in the room was a coil pie.

5:04 Adam Oh, that's right, that's right. We're going to hear a little something from Of The Year off of Page Avenue, name of the CD. We're going to hear something in the first break. We'll hear something in the second break. You can, oh yeah, you can go to www.maverick.com, by the way, if you want to know about the band or anything, any tour dates or anything like that. All right, let's take some calls, what do you say?

5:32 Drew That sounds great.

5:33 Adam Talk to Sarah, who's 18.

5:36 Drew Remember Sarah was on a call 130 minutes last night? Yeah.

5:39 Adam That's right, yeah, 130 minutes.

5:42 Drew And we promised we'd grab her.

5:44 Adam Sorry baby doll, what's up?

5:46 That's okay, we'll have a couple questions.

5:48 First of all, why did your MTV show get taken off the air and are you guys ever thinking about bringing that back?

5:55 Adam Drew raped one of the callers.

5:57 Drew We don't know, we have no idea.

5:59 Adam Drew's asked me repeatedly not to talk about this, but he raped, I think it was Drew, three of the callers.

6:05 Drew If I were to go through all that trouble. We don't know, but we do know that nothing lasts more than about two seasons on MTV and we went far longer than that, so it's probably weird. Yeah, that's right.

6:17 Adam Yeah, I don't know, they're like Manudo over there, they gotta keep it moving over there, but yeah, we did four years, seemed like enough.

6:25 That's disappointing, but my other question was, well, I know that tons of people call your show every night and feel like they know you and compliment you, and I think you guys are awesome, I listen all the time and I really respect you, and I just wanted to know what your beliefs were on the legalization of marijuana, and if you ever think it'll get legalized in our lifetime.

6:48 Drew Who wants to go first?

6:50 Story Of The Year Why do you guys have more fans than us?

6:52 Adam Yeah, what's BS?

6:54 Drew We pick our fans to put on the air.

6:56 Adam Yeah, we have instructions to the screeners not to put any fans of Of The Year on that. All right, what about legalization of marijuana?

7:06 Drew Interestingly enough, although having the drug being illegal does help me treat people with addiction to this disease. It helps them structure their environment. The reality is that the pod particulates become so cantankerous, there's so much craziness around that drug, I do believe it will be legalized in the not-too-distant future. I don't think it will make a big difference. In general, prohibition strategies don't work very well. And if we control the distribution of this drug and use some of the money that people made from it to treat people and to educate people, perhaps things will be better than they actually are now. The reality is that the Harrison Act of, which is the Harrison Narcotic Act, which is next year going to celebrate its 90th birthday, is a ridiculous law. And it's the reason there's so much hypocrisy and foolishness in our laws about illicit drugs. It's like we really need to visit the whole subject over again.

7:59 Adam I'd like him to bring Quaaludes back. That's my whole thing. I got two things I'd like to see come back. Quaaludes and the Bell Beef are over at Taco Bell.

8:08 Drew The ranch, the Enchirito, the Enchirito, too.

8:11 Adam Oh, Enchirito would be nice. Bell Beefers before you kids, but beautiful.

8:15 I don't remember the Bell Beef.

8:16 Drew You know the crazy ground up meat that they put in their tacos?

8:20 Adam Picture the taco meat. Drew, don't ruin it. Let me paint a picture.

8:24 Drew Yeah, beautiful picture, go ahead.

8:25 Adam All right, picture a nice generic white bun with ground up taco meat on top of it and then that delectable shredded lettuce they have and then some cheese and then the other part of the bun, I call it the top part, because it goes on top, cow, right on top.

8:43 Drew That's it.

8:44 Story Of The Year It's like a hamburger kind of?

8:45 Drew Bell Beefers, it's like a Sloppy Joe.

8:47 Adam It's a Sloppy Joe without the slop.

8:50 Drew Well, it had its fair share of slop, as I recall.

8:53 Adam No, it doesn't slop over. Sloppy Joe's got tomato sauce and everything. Yeah, Sloppy Joe's not bad either. That's something that could make a comeback. People don't eat Sloppy Joe's anymore. You're right. There's nothing wrong with it. You guys eat Sloppy Joe's?

9:09 They used to serve it at school, but it was never good.

9:12 Adam Oh, really? It was bad.

9:13 Story Of The Year I didn't like Spam. My dad always made me eat Spam. Really? I didn't like Spam.

9:16 Drew Where are you from again?

9:17 Story Of The Year St. Louis.

9:19 Adam That was your dad in the military or something?

9:20 Story Of The Year Yeah, he was actually.

9:21 Drew The British military?

9:23 Story Of The Year No, you know, the American military.

9:25 Adam That's a Spam guy. Is it guys? The guys in the military are eating canned meat. You see what I'm saying?

9:31 Drew To get you so used to it that brings back fond memories?

9:34 Adam Yeah, sometimes a lot of shells going off around your head kind of clouds your thinking too, you know? Just not as sharp as you would have been, that's all. And it's cheap. Yeah, I think my dad had a little Spam run too.

9:46 Drew Really? Really? Well, it was cheap.

9:48 Adam My dad was a bachelor for a while and super cheap and trying to do his own cooking.

9:53 Drew I had a really comedy part of Spam is the Spam recipes. Fried Spams, Spam with Spam.

10:00 Adam Yeah, it's basically stuff you eat when you're camping and that's about it, although the Hawaiians love it. You know, I went to Hawaii with Jimmy once and we're playing some golf and he kept telling me the whole time the reason the Hawaiians love Spam is because they used to be cannibals and it tastes like flesh.

10:19 Drew He convinced you of this?

10:22 Adam I wasn't, Jimmy.

10:23 Drew You don't listen to much of what he says.

10:25 Adam I don't listen to anything he says, but he said this and I said no, so we're playing golf and he went and asked one of the locals and they were pissed and offended and Jimmy couldn't understand why they're upset. Tony, Tony, 21.

10:40 Yeah, it's me.

10:42 Adam When's the last time you had a Sloppy Joe?

10:44 When's the last time I had a Sloppy Joe? A couple weeks ago.

10:47 Adam Wow. Wow.

10:49 Drew Sloppy Joe's are in in Idaho where Tony is.

10:52 Adam They're just coming into Vogue, I think, in Idaho.

10:55 Drew They just started, invented them recently?

10:56 Adam Look out for something called the Bell Beefers should be coming in about six years. Yeah, Idaho, the calendar's like 1973.

11:03 Drew Yeah, you're right.

11:05 Adam They got a lot of stuff that's gonna be good. You know what I'd like to do? I'd like to move to Idaho and then be like Nostradamus. I can predict who's gonna win the 1980 Super Bowl. All these things that haven't happened yet in Idaho. I'll just, I'll pick the winner of the Triple Crown. I'll talk about tragedy with the Space Shuttle coming up in 87.

11:24 Drew Princess Diana, you'll never guess.

11:25 Adam Princess Di, I don't wanna give too much away, but shouldn't get in the car. Everyone will be like, I'll be the king of Idaho. What's next? Something called Bell Bottoms. And a little band called the Doobie Brothers is gonna be coming your way. That'd be great, Drew. Tony?

11:40 Yeah, I'm still here.

11:42 Adam Tony? You're 21? I am. You'd be 46 if you lived in LA.

11:48 Caller Yeah, my guy here that lives in the apartment is from LA.

11:52 Adam Uh-oh. I hope he's not spoiling. He's gonna steal my thunder when I go to Idaho and start prognosticating.

11:58 Drew What's up, Tony?

12:01 Caller I am a missionary for my church, and I was wondering, I've been out for a couple of months, and I'll be on my mission for a total of two years.

12:10 Drew Well, we gotta add the score up here. Mission, church, 21, two years, Mormon church, right?

12:16 Caller Mormon church. Mm-hmm.

12:18 Adam All right.

12:19 Caller So I was wondering, for that entire two years, I'm gonna be on a bike every single day for around 18 hours a day. You're a Mormon?

12:27 Adam True or false?

12:30 Caller I was wondering if that was gonna affect me.

12:32 Drew The band was impressed that I said that while drinking a cup of coffee.

12:35 Caller I know. They were like...

12:36 Charlie McCarthy.

12:40 Adam All right, sorry, go ahead.

12:41 Caller I was wondering if that's gonna affect me having kids.

12:45 Drew No, it's not.

12:45 Adam Being on a bike for two years?

12:46 Drew No, no, no.

12:46 Adam It's got a seat, right? Yeah, but it's...

12:49 Caller Okay. But like, that seat is going up in my nuts the whole time.

12:53 Drew Tony, here's the deal. Everyone in your church goes...

12:55 Adam Tony's not going on a mission.

12:56 Drew Hold on a second. But just real quickly, everyone in your church goes on a mission for two years. Have you noticed that there's a problem with your peers and your church community members?

13:05 Adam That's too many Mormons.

13:06 Drew Yeah. Are they having trouble having kids? No.

13:08 Adam They got slowed down just a little bit.

13:10 Drew Maybe that was the idea behind all this. But be that as it may, what you can do is you can injure the nerves down there. People that ride bikes a lot, sometimes the seats aren't configured properly.

13:18 Adam He's not going anywhere.

13:19 Drew But I'm sure anybody else that might be listening.

13:21 Adam Where are you going? Where do you say you're going, Tony?

13:24 Caller Right now, I'm in Idaho.

13:26 Adam Where's your mission?

13:27 Caller Where's my... My mission is in Idaho. I'm from Alabama.

13:30 Adam Oh, oh. You're doing your mission in Idaho. Yeah. What the hell? Can't they get Idahoians to do it there and Michiganians to do it there? Why does everyone got to swap out?

13:41 Caller They want to kick you out of your comfort zone, I guess.

13:43 Adam You got to ride your bike all the way to Idaho from Michigan?

13:47 Caller They... I pay for myself to fly out here.

13:51 Adam Oh, okay.

13:52 We come out on a mission and we have to pay for it.

13:54 Adam Oh, okay. All right. Well, good times. That's got to suck. Like, some guy pulls these signs. It's like, I got a mission for you. And it's like, what? The Koreans bringing uranium in it? No. You're going to Idaho on a bicycle. What?

14:05 Drew With a white shirt and a small tie.

14:08 Adam Here's this clip on and another clip soon. It'll get you a pant leg caught in the chain. That always sucked.

14:13 Story Of The Year So that really can't hurt you?

14:15 Drew Well, I was going to finish saying you can't hit the pudendal nerve, which can affect the feeling in the genitalia and the rectal function, stuff like that. But that's pretty unusual.

14:23 Story Of The Year I raced motocross for like 10 years. My dad always told me that after he fed me Spam, he would tell me that.

14:29 Drew You could hurt yourself, yeah, riding motocross.

14:31 Adam Well, what did he tell you?

14:33 Story Of The Year You know, my weenie wouldn't work so good anymore.

14:36 Adam Really? You're a weenie, huh?

14:37 Story Of The Year My weenie.

14:38 Drew Well, that's the way to motivate young girls to do anything you don't want them to do.

14:41 Story Of The Year Yeah.

14:42 Adam Oh, he was trying to get you to quit, right? Yeah. Oh, I like that. I like stories of parents trying to get their kids to quit stuff, I mean, other than drugs. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. It's nice. Drew, you ought to do that with your kids in like a violin or piano or something and they just keep going. Like, you'd find them practicing in the basement in the middle of the night with just a candle, you know, trying to defy you. It's called reverse psychology.

15:09 Drew No, I'm going to tell them that if they don't do it, it's going to shrink.

15:12 Adam Oh, penis stuff? Well, what do you say to the girl? That's the real question. Natalie?

15:21 Drew Yeah.

15:22 Adam What's happening? Yeah.

15:26 Drew She's from St. Louis, by the way, guys. This is her first call from St. Louis.

15:29 Story Of The Year Oh, really? Whereabouts?

15:30 Adam We're from St. Louis, too.

15:31 Story Of The Year Where from in St. Louis? Central West End. Oh, like the U-City loop? What? Like the loop. U-City? No.

15:42 Oh.

15:42 Okay.

15:43 Central West End, right?

15:44 Yeah.

15:45 Sorry, go ahead.

15:46 Adam Hold on a second. First off, let me... I didn't explain to you guys before the show. Never try to talk to anyone. I don't want any of the idiots who call this show. It's the most unrewarding thing in the world. It really is. It just... Nothing feels worse, does it? It always starts great. It's like, hey, she's from St. Louis. Dude, hey, we're from St. Louis.

16:06 Caller Where are you from? No.

16:09 Adam The Loop down in Central? It's just...

16:14 Caller She's gonna hang up.

16:15 Adam Let me tell you what's more gratifying. Stand in the middle of the room, grab your socks and see if you can lift yourself off the ground. It's a much more rewarding experience to try to talk to anyone who calls this show about anything.

16:36 Drew Here's what I'm gonna predict. When Adam actually becomes abusive to callers, it's usually because they were abuse survivors.

16:41 Adam I know. And then I feel bad.

16:42 Drew And then he feels guilty.

16:43 Adam But I bounce back to abuse again.

16:45 Drew Natalie?

16:46 Story Of The Year Yeah, she hung up on him.

16:47 Adam Were you abused as a child?

16:49 Oh, hell no.

16:51 Drew No.

16:51 Adam Yeah. Now I can start the abuse.

16:55 Drew So what's the question?

16:57 Um, ever since I was like in my late teens, um, till now, my mother, she was masturbating in front of me and I have a really big problem with it.

17:06 Drew Well, that's abuse. That's abusive. That's been a bizarre.

17:10 I didn't know this.

17:11 Oh, no, you didn't.

17:13 Adam Well, wait a minute. Isn't that a, well, they, yeah, I'd rather, I'd rather get, uh, go spank with a switch and watch my mom diddle herself. Is, uh, how old were you?

17:26 Well, like I said, um, I was in my late teens, at least 18 or 19.

17:31 Drew Is your mom on medication? Is she a drug addict?

17:36 Adam How old is she?

17:38 Drew Your mom? Late 40s.

17:41 Adam All right. So let's just do some quick math here. You're 22 now. Uh-huh. You're saying... Is this bogus?

17:49 Drew Our college could never come up with a bogus call like this.

17:52 Adam Well, she's not bogus, but she's having... she's having a lot of tracking problems or something?

17:57 Drew She's having trouble tracking, yeah.

17:59 Adam She having difficulty?

18:00 Drew What do you think? Oh, yes. Oh, yeah.

18:02 Adam Natalie?

18:03 Yeah?

18:04 Adam Do you have any sort of emotional condition that we should know about?

18:11 Drew Those your mom?

18:13 Not that I know of.

18:14 Adam Do you work?

18:16 No, not really. I go to school.

18:18 Adam You go to school?

18:19 Yeah.

18:21 Adam Junior college?

18:22 Yes.

18:23 Adam Shocking. Shocking.

18:24 All right.

18:26 All right.

18:26 Adam So, the point is... and you're all right. You're not... you know, you got an IQ and all that kind of stuff? Okay. Are you working... what do you... do you go to school and like work with clay all day or do you take regular classes?

18:44 No, I just take regular classes.

18:46 Adam So, now you're 16, 17, 18 years old. Your mom is masturbating in the same room you're in?

18:53 Caller Oh, yeah. And...

18:55 Drew But you're saying that as though...with...what is that, oh, yeah? I mean, what...

18:59 Adam Like it's normal?

19:00 Drew You don't think that's bizarre to other...

19:02 Caller Okay, basically, when I was trying to go to sleep at night, because sometimes I have a hard time going to sleep, and she would just start making all these moaning noises and blah, blah, blah, and settle on...

19:13 Drew Were you in the same room with her?

19:16 Caller Yeah.

19:17 Story Of The Year Is it like your bedroom, like she came in, like while you were trying to sleep?

19:20 Drew No, they were all in the same room.

19:21 Caller I mean, we didn't... Okay, we were having some difficulties at that time, so we had to share a room together.

19:28 Adam Yeah. Your mom was asleep, though, right? Or she thought you were asleep?

19:32 Caller She thought I was asleep.

19:34 Drew It's a little different picture than you painted before. I thought you were like wide awake and walking through the kitchen or something.

19:41 Adam You and your friends were trying to play Stratego. Your mom was on the sofa. All right. So she was blowing off a little steam. She thought you were asleep.

19:52 Drew Oh, boy.

19:53 Adam You're fine. Are you out of the house now, Natalie?

19:56 Caller Not really.

19:58 Drew That would be good. That'd be a good strategy.

20:00 Adam Why don't you? You know what you need to do, Natalie?

20:03 Caller What is that?

20:04 Adam Forget about that junior college. You're just wasting your time.

20:08 Drew No, she needs it.

20:09 Adam No, she doesn't. She needs a job. She needs a job.

20:12 Drew Yeah, but she'll have trouble functioning a job.

20:14 Adam Junior college doesn't make you any smarter. You just find places to score weed, parties. You learn about trail mix in the granola bars and you call your teachers by their first names. You just sit there and rot. It's purgatory. You're not learning anything over there. Only people should be going to junior college are people like in nursing programs. If you're not in some specific program, if you're just there to round yourself out, screw it, get a job.

20:37 Caller Me and Ryan tried junior college.

20:39 Adam See what happened?

20:40 Caller Yeah.

20:40 Drew In St. Louis?

20:41 Caller Yeah, six times.

20:42 Drew What's the name of your junior college, Natalie?

20:45 Caller Forth Park.

20:48 Caller St. Louis Community College at Forth Park.

20:49 Caller St. Louis Community College, here.

20:51 Adam Drop out and get a job. Can you get a job?

20:57 Caller No.

20:58 Adam Okay, now.

20:59 Drew That was a traumatic experience, not a good experience, but you need to start establishing a sense of yourself outside of that home. There's a lot of stuff, I'm sure, that went on in the home. Beyond that, that's just what you're obsessing about right now. It sounds like, Mom, when you were going through hard times, it may have been more than just hard times. It may have been really seriously disturbed times, too.

21:18 Adam Shacken up with Mom's never-ever-good plan.

21:22 Drew Into the same room, and who knows what the hard time actually was at the time. Just start establishing a life for yourself. That's what Adam's really suggesting. A job and a way to support yourself and get a life.

21:32 Adam Let me just say this very quickly about Junior College. Look, who are you guys kidding? You were horrible students in high school. Horrible. Who are you kidding? Now, it's high school, except for with no attendance, and your mom never gets called. Now, you're worse.

21:47 Drew Now, you're doing nothing. You got a bunch of people who are newcomers to the country that are learning the language and ready to compete.

21:54 Adam I'm going to let the Asians in. That's it. That's the only group that gets to go there. They want to better themselves. All the other white, whitey, you're out. You're out. Everyone needs to get a job, except for the Asians or if you're in some sort of nursing program.

22:07 Drew Let's take a Germany or Florida before we go to break. Joe.

22:10 Adam Please, who are they? Who are they kidding over there? She's not doing it. She needs to get a job. Good job.

22:15 Drew Joe, 24. There we go. Germany or Florida.

22:21 Caller A thief dressed like a Hasidic Jew mungled an armed robbery Thursday morning when his handgun misfired and the shop owner took it away and used it to pistol with him. The thief and at least one accomplice were able to flee the scene, but not before the pawn shop owner got in his licks, leaving the stun gunman bloodied. The robbery attempt began around 9 a.m. when a man walked into the jewelry pawn shop shortly after 9 a.m. The man, who was dressed in dark clothing, wore a thick beard and his hair fell and curls from under his dark hat much like an orthodox Jew would wear.

22:57 Adam I was picturing a young, tall, blond guy. A guy looked a little like Dolph Lundgren type. Yeah, that type. You know, flowing locks like Thor, picturing more Thor type.

23:09 Caller If he dies, he dies. Yeah.

23:10 Drew All right, so a German of Florida, right?

23:12 Adam He's saying Hasidic Jew, a beard and curly hair. Interesting.

23:15 Caller He told the shop owner, he was...

23:19 Drew Oh, he turns a story. It's fabulous. It just weaves a tail, spins yarns, it's fantastic.

23:27 Adam We went Joe delivering our eulogy.

23:30 Drew Oh, yes.

23:30 Adam He was a great man. He made people laugh. It was funny. Dr. Drew used medicine to try to help old people. Often times he failed. We'll miss him who wants to help with the dirt.

23:49 Drew So Germany or Florida? It's got to be Florida.

23:51 Adam Triscuits and wheat thins in the lobby.

23:53 Drew We had him discover that all the bizarre macabre things happen in life happen either Germany or Florida. Right. And so we can go to college college and they give us the stories.

24:01 Adam We decide whether it's Germany or Florida. Because you got the Hasidic Jew thing which is... Florida... .feels Florida. No, I mean Germany is kind of fun. The guy beating up the Jew, you know, smacks at Germany. You didn't think of that? Oh, really? And the other one is... But then you got the pawn shop thing.

24:18 Drew Yeah, that's not Germany, is there?

24:20 Adam Germans seem too proud to pawn.

24:22 Drew They have antique shops. They don't have pawn shops.

24:24 Adam A pawn shop is a real Florida thing.

24:27 Caller My mom used to date a German.

24:29 Adam He didn't own a pawn shop, did he?

24:31 Caller No.

24:31 Adam What do you think the last sloppy Joe he had was?

24:36 Caller Probably like 10 years ago, I would imagine.

24:38 Adam We had a talk about that.

24:39 Drew So we're going to Florida, huh?

24:40 Adam We're going to Florida. Everyone's going to Florida.

24:42 Drew Joe? Florida.

24:45 Caller Do you want me to finish it?

24:46 Drew No, no, we're fine. We're fine.

24:49 Adam I kind of like him to finish it.

24:52 Caller All right, go. Okay, police said the gun misfired during a confrontation. Then the owner used the malfunction to jump on the gunman. The two men fought and rolled out the shop's door. The pawn shop owner rested the gun away from the man. Then he used it to beat the now gunless robber about the head, cutting his head badly.

25:08 Drew Joe?

25:09 Caller The suspected accomplice of the robber, standing nearby, jumped in a white car and sped off.

25:13 Drew Are you aware of the...

25:15 Adam Now it's totally different. Now it's neither Germany or Florida.

25:19 Drew It's... Joe?

25:20 Adam He thwarted the robbery, right?

25:22 Drew Joe, are you aware you told us the story twice? He told us the story twice.

25:27 Adam No, we didn't get the part. We didn't get the pistol whip part.

25:29 Drew We did.

25:30 Adam We did?

25:30 Drew The only thing he left out was the driving away in the white car. That's the only thing he left out.

25:34 Adam But you know, Joe, it's like a movie you could watch over and over again when Joe tells a story. Go ahead, Joe.

25:41 Drew Germany or Florida?

25:42 Story Of The Year You guys have a cool job.

25:43 Caller Robert gets in his car, he speeds away. The owner goes back in the shop, pulls out a shotgun, fires and hits his front tire.

25:50 Drew Oh, that's a new piece. That's very Florida.

25:53 Caller Sweet.

25:53 Adam We're back in Florida.

25:55 Caller Yeah, it's Miami.

25:58 Adam Yeah. Thanks, Joe.

25:59 Caller Hey, Adam.

26:01 Adam Hey, Joe. Again, if something happens to Drew, we're going to need you for the eulogy, right?

26:05 Caller Exactly. Can I ask you a quick question?

26:08 Adam Hurry.

26:09 Caller What position did you play in football?

26:11 Drew Oh, don't start that.

26:12 Adam Linebacker.

26:15 Caller Thanks, man.

26:16 Adam All right. Let's take ourselves a little break. Of The Year, here tonight. We'll hear something off the new CD. Oh, Drew, we didn't do the animal thing.

26:25 Drew Do that now.

26:25 Adam Hurry.

26:26 Drew For the first five callers, which we had...

26:28 Adam Slow it down.

26:28 Drew Okay. First five callers tonight that are over 18, they will receive the all new Animal, the Rob Schneider film, uncut special edition DVD and featuring never before seen footage. It's in stores now, but we'll be giving out... How many tonight? Five of them?

26:43 Adam Five.

26:43 Drew Five. The first five callers over 18, which we had a couple. So hang on the line. If we put you on hold, when the call ends, Ann will get on and get your address and send you a DVD.

26:52 Adam All right, and we'll be right back after this.

26:54 Caller Hello, this is your radio.

27:19 Adam Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191, Dr. Drew, board certified physician.

27:25 Drew What is that?

27:25 Adam Story of the Year tonight. The Jett? Yeah, Jett was in here a few weeks back.

27:30 We just played with him a couple weeks ago.

27:32 Adam Seemed like nice guys, yeah. I think they were drunk.

27:36 Drew Oh, yeah.

27:37 Adam Really drunk.

27:38 Drew Oh, yeah.

27:39 I think they were drunk when we played with them.

27:40 Caller Oh, yeah.

27:41 Adam They're Australian guys, right?

27:42 Caller Yeah.

27:43 Adam Yeah. That's a big booze. Were they, are they continent?

27:47 Drew Well-trained musicians? I don't know. Because I expected them to be like students of music or, you know, paying homage to the various bands from the past. And they go, no, we can't read music. We just play what sounds good to us.

28:02 Adam Why did you expect them to be students of music?

28:05 Drew It's such accurate, it's such accurate additions of, it's, everything is such an homage to things I've heard when I was growing up. It's so well done.

28:13 Adam All right, Drew, big Jet fan. You're making Of The Year jealous. You can talk.

28:17 Drew I'll talk about you guys when you're gone, don't worry.

28:19 Adam Yeah, yeah, when Jet comes in next, we can talk to them about Of The Year. Dan, Ryan and Josh are all here. Page Avenue is the name of the CD. We're gonna hear a song from Page Avenue. We're gonna take one call and then we'll do that, right?

28:34 Caller Yep.

28:35 Adam All right, let's talk to Janet, who's 16.

28:39 Drew Janet?

28:40 Adam What's doing?

28:42 Caller Hi, well, my question, actually, I had sex with this guy, right? And we didn't use a condom, but he didn't-

28:53 Drew You there? Oh, Janet, come on.

28:58 Adam Is that-

28:59 Drew No, let's just let it be, let's be quiet.

29:03 Adam Why, what are you doing?

29:04 Drew Not there? Well- Just wanna see how long we can let that air go. That is beginning to be interesting.

29:08 Yeah, it sounded like she was gonna say enormous.

29:11 Drew Anyway, the guy, they had sex, no condom, and her question was, without him ejaculating, could she get pregnant? And the answer, of course, is yes. And that's why, if you're gonna do this, you gotta use a condom every time. And since she's had now an unprotected encounter, if it's been within 72 hours of that experience, she needs to think about the morning after pill, not emergency contraception, which will be available over the counter, I predict, within the year.

29:33 Adam And what was I explaining to you the other night about your 72 hours in our callers?

29:39 Drew Three days, you have three days that they couldn't understand how many hours we had a day.

29:43 Adam No, I think a lot of our callers think there's a hundred hours in a day.

29:46 Drew Yes, yes, you're right, quite well taken.

29:48 Adam 24, it's a bizarre odd number. It's not even 25.

29:52 Drew Well, everyone knows a hundred minutes in an hour, so of course they'd assume it's a hundred hours in a day.

29:56 Adam 24 sounds like a little less than a quarter of a day to most of our callers, that's all I'm saying. So 72 hours, they think I got three quarters of a day or maybe a little less.

30:05 Drew Three days, three days. Even up to five, if it's been more than three days and you think you shouldn't do it, you should, up to five.

30:12 Adam But now we gotta take one more call.

30:14 Drew No, no.

30:14 Adam No, that wasn't a call. Then we got cut off.

30:17 Drew I didn't want to punch the mic, so I just punched my coffee mug.

30:22 Adam All right, all right. Yeah, let's talk to John. John? You're 19, yeah, what's going on?

30:32 Caller Okay, so basically I had a cerebral hemorrhage, a catastrophic cerebral hemorrhage.

30:39 Drew Well, catastrophic means you died. You had a big one.

30:42 Caller Oh, it was a big one. It took out roughly a third of my salamence.

30:48 Drew Wow.

30:49 Caller I'm fine now.

30:50 Drew From an aneurysm or?

30:52 Caller It was just random chance.

30:54 Drew Oh my God.

30:55 Adam That's an aneurysm, isn't it?

30:57 Drew Well, aneurysm is usually, in his age group, in people 60, 70, it would be a hypertensive bleed. Hypertension weakens the vessels and the bleeding right into the tissue of the brain.

31:08 Caller Yeah.

31:08 Drew In 19-year-olds, it's usually an aneurysm, but he's saying it's neither.

31:11 Caller I'm not sure what an aneurysm is. It was just a weak blood vessel.

31:15 Drew That's an aneurysm, basically.

31:16 Adam Remember I said aneurysm 10 minutes ago, fellas? I was gonna straighten Drew out, even on the medical side.

31:21 Drew No, I'd said aneurysm, too.

31:22 Adam You're arguing with me.

31:24 Caller I don't know my medical terminology.

31:26 Adam Listen, you shouldn't be Marcus Welby, but if a vein explodes in your head, you should know what happened, shouldn't you? Oh, wait a minute, Drew, unless it took out that part.

31:35 Drew That's what I want to get at with him, yeah, yeah.

31:38 Adam Uh-uh.

31:39 Drew What has changed with you since your thalamus got injured?

31:43 Caller Basically, almost a full recovery.

31:46 Drew What do you notice different? So it's fascinating. So you have weakness on one side of your body.

31:53 Caller The flexor muscles are stronger than the extensors.

31:56 Drew How about your mood or your personality and things like that?

31:58 Caller I'm pretty optimistic.

32:01 Drew But is anything changed? Do people say, hey, you're different since that happened?

32:07 Caller No, no. It was really, it was a, I know this is gonna sound weird, but it was a good experience in that.

32:15 Drew As blood vessels exploding, your head goes.

32:17 Caller Yeah, but as they go, I had almost like 90% recovery.

32:22 Drew Okay.

32:23 Adam Well, you're saying like if, you know there's been some negative damage if like Sunny Delight tastes good.

32:30 Caller Right, right, right.

32:33 Drew I'm starting to join daytime dramas.

32:36 Caller What if Sunny Delight's good normally?

32:38 Adam That's bad, that's bad. That's trouble. That's bad, that's bad.

32:41 Caller Anyway, my question was. No, no problem. I don't know if Viagra is okay to take now. I'm not impotent or anything, but I hear it enhances sexual performance.

32:53 Drew How long ago was your bleed?

32:55 Caller Six years ago.

32:58 Drew You were 13, weird. Were you on any medication? Are you on medicine now? Seizure medicines or anything?

33:02 Caller No, they did a procedure called the Gamma Knife. They used gamma radiation basically to kill the weak blood vessel. It took a year and a half, but later when they did the CAT scan on me, they found me.

33:12 Drew Oh, you had an AVM. Yeah, AVM, that's it. Okay, that's not a spontaneous thing. That's just something you were born with.

33:20 Caller Yeah, that's it, thank you. Okay, all right. Anyway, I wanna know if I can take Viagra like a normal person now or?

33:28 Drew No, don't, no, no, no, absolutely out of the question. Uh-uh, even though the AVM is fixed.

33:33 Adam Well, also, you don't need it.

33:34 Drew You shouldn't need it.

33:35 Caller You're young for a healthy person.

33:36 Adam Why are you screwing around? I mean, you shook the Grim Reaper once. Now you're 19, you can't get a boner? No, no, it's not that. That's what I'm saying. I mean, you're fine, right?

33:50 Drew What's the problem? He had arteriovenous malformation, which is a blood lake left in the brain that can all of a sudden rupture. Usually they're actually taking out or hitting with grandma knife. And they're very serious. And he wants to take Viagra for recreational purposes. That's what I'm saying. Why would he? Yeah, no.

34:05 Adam That's what I'm saying.

34:06 Story Of The Year If he can get wood, why does he take Viagra?

34:08 Adam At 19, you can't stop your boner. I mean, your boner's coming up at church, it's coming up in class, in front of your grandparents, you're getting a boner.

34:18 Story Of The Year A boner?

34:19 Adam John? Do you get normal boners? Okay, then, but what?

34:27 Caller But I just wanted to try. I just want to know, I'm probably not going to do it, but is it...

34:30 Adam Don't do it.

34:31 Drew Don't do it. Why risk it?

34:33 Adam It's unsafe. Your head will explode.

34:35 Drew I'm not sure anyone knows for certain whether it's safe or not, but I bet you most doctors would recommend that you should not do that.

34:43 Adam Now we can hear a song, right?

34:44 Drew Yeah, let's go.

34:45 Adam Well, Drew.

34:46 Drew I need a break.

34:48 Adam Of The Year is here. Name of the CD is Page Avenue. And the first song we're going to hear is Until The Day I Die. Woo! Page Avenue, name of the CD. And we'll take a quick break. When we come back, speak to Zink. That guy's named after an element.

39:04 Drew You think it's a woman, huh?

39:05 Adam Zink.

39:07 Caller Hi.

39:08 Adam Oh, is your name really Zink?

39:09 Caller Yeah, it's my last name. I go by it because my first name, I went to middle school, where my first name was quite popular. And I've never liked my first name.

39:17 Drew Jennifer. Jennifer Zink.

39:19 Adam No, no, she's too young for Jennifer. Had to be like a Britney or something like that.

39:23 Drew Christine Zink.

39:24 Adam Christine, that's a popular one now?

39:26 Drew Northwest.

39:27 Caller Well, it's kind of, I'm named after my father's ex-girlfriend.

39:31 Adam Sweet. So your ankle made you a family guy episode. You know, you know, by, all right, you know dad's got another version of that story. All right, we'll take a quick break. We'll speak to Zink and talk to her about, what's her problem, Drew? How to tell folks she's buying, dating, oh, oh, oh.

39:50 Drew She's gotta tell them.

39:52 Adam Payback time. Name me after a girlfriend, huh? I'll be going down on her in a couple of years, Pop. Let's see how happy you are. Payback for Pops after this.

40:02 Hello, what is this?

40:07 Adam I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, Of The Year in Studio Tonight. Page Avenue, name of the CD. Here's something else off of that. Also just hand a little business here for the animal. Rob Schneider was in here talking about this just the other night. First five callers to get on the air. We got five callers on the air. Over 18, you get that uncut animal DVD special. Stars Rob Schneider and features never seen before footage.

40:39 Drew And Colleen from Survivor.

40:40 Adam That's right. I watched Survivor tonight. It's in stores now, the animal. All right, where is we Drew? Back to the phone. Zink. Zink, right, Zink. She's mad at her dad. Zink? All right, you're 16.

40:55 Drew Why mad at your dad?

40:57 Caller I'm not really mad at my dad. I actually have a decent relationship with him. I should because I live with his mother and her new husband.

41:06 Adam You live with?

41:07 Caller My grandparents.

41:08 Adam Your grandparents.

41:09 Drew His mother and her new husband, okay? We're diagramming this.

41:13 Adam Why don't you live with either one of your parents?

41:16 Caller Well, my mom and my dad and my mother never got married. They had me, they got together, they had me. Actually, my mother knew my aunt before she met my father anyway, but.

41:26 Drew Well, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Your mother knew your aunt, you mean his sister?

41:30 Caller Yes.

41:31 Drew Before, okay, so they were friends. And what about the old girlfriend? How does she fit your into this?

41:36 Caller Oh, no, no, no, no, he's still going out with her. So, well.

41:39 Drew Wouldn't that make her his current girlfriend?

41:41 Caller Yes, his current girlfriend.

41:42 Drew And what, and he just likes the name?

41:45 Caller He, oh, no, no, no, no, okay, no, no. Here's my mother.

41:48 Adam Who cares? I don't care, I don't care. Nobody cares.

41:52 Drew I wanna declare that I'm buying now too. I'm angry. I'm angry.

41:55 Adam All right, so, oh, your parents are horrible.

41:59 Caller No, well, okay, can I just say that before?

42:01 Adam No, no, you can't, they're bad people. And you're angry at your dad.

42:07 Caller No, I'm not angry at my father. Yeah, I just don't, it's more like I have never really had a great father figure in my life.

42:18 Adam He's a delight.

42:18 Drew Wouldn't that make you angry with him?

42:20 Adam No, no, not angry.

42:21 Drew For not being of-

42:22 Caller No, it's not that I'm angry with him.

42:23 Drew Where's my bourbon? Bourbon.

42:25 Adam Right.

42:26 Caller It's not that I'm angry with him. It's more like I don't want to disappoint him.

42:30 Adam Okay, well why are you gonna tell him you're bisexual then?

42:34 Caller Well, see, I've already told Nana, my grandmother.

42:37 Drew Why are you gonna tell him if you don't want to disappoint him? It's important to you not to disappoint him. Why are you gonna tell him?

42:43 Caller Well, I have to tell him I wanna because I live with her. And my mom knows because she just asked me straight out one day and she's a hippie, smokes pot, all that other stuff.

42:53 Adam Sure, she's great.

42:55 Caller Mm-hmm.

42:57 Adam All right, you're not angry. The important thing is all of these horrible events have happened and there's been water off a duck's tail.

43:04 Drew Haven't bothered you a bit?

43:05 Adam Not at all.

43:06 Caller No, well, they haven't.

43:07 Drew Once again, by the way, I don't know a 16-year-old on Earth who lives with an adult who has to announce, has to announce that adult because they live with them what their sexual orientation is.

43:16 Adam Especially if that adult's name is Nana.

43:19 Drew That's the last person on the list I'm gonna tell.

43:21 Caller No, no, no, no, it's the adult.

43:22 Drew Because she lives with you means nothing to do with why you told her. You told her because you're-

43:27 Adam Listen, go, go tell your dad and hopefully he'll punch a hole in the wall, break his hand.

43:32 Caller I'm not worried about him. I'm worried about his girlfriend. His girlfriend is kind of a psycho bitch.

43:39 Drew So she's the one you really wanna crush.

43:41 Caller She's the one that I don't wanna tell because she will mercilessly make fun of me.

43:46 Adam Look, here, look, Zink, listen to me. Here's what you gotta do. I hated my parents growing up, too. You have to become, but you didn't see me blowin guys.

43:56 Drew You didn't see it. You did, but no one saw it.

43:58 Adam Obviously, it was done. I'm just saying, I didn't have an audience. No, we never filmed it. Rarely filmed it. The point is this. Here's the point. I became successful and then abused them verbally later on as an adult. That's what I'm gonna need you to do. You understand? Your job is not to act out and sort of pay them back through paying yourself back and then announcing to everybody. Yeah, cause look, you're gonna get a bunch of bad hats and a bunch of aggressive piercings. You're gonna do everything that's gonna piss them off. But it's sort of like taking a baseball bat to your car so you can piss off your wife who loves the car. Well, it's your car too. You're screwing it up. Don't take a bat to yourself. I'm telling you the revenge is, here's the only kind of good revenge you have is you being successful as an adult, them wanting to hang out, wanting some of your success, whatever you'd tell them, nah, no thanks. Hit the road. You're not my real dad, but you do. It's what I do.

44:59 Drew Who's your real dad?

45:00 Adam My dad's real name?

45:01 Drew No, your real dad.

45:02 Adam My real name? Copper.

45:03 Drew Your real dad is Copper?

45:04 Adam Yeah, it's another element. Copper. All right, we're not gonna do anything with her. She's angry. She should be.

45:14 Drew Yeah, she should be.

45:15 Adam Yeah, she should be.

45:16 Drew Which unfortunately, she doesn't acknowledge that she's angry. She's just in the behaviors of expressing anger that circumvent the anger.

45:22 Adam And listen, and look, I was just thinking about this today. You screw with your daughter, that's it. They just torture you. It's payback time for the rest of your life. Listen to me, dads. Screw with your son all you want. He doesn't do anything. He just gets older and screws with other people. He leaves you alone.

45:41 Drew Forms a band.

45:44 Adam Plays a little football, maybe joins the military. But you screw with your daughter and that's it. It's a lifetime of payback. All right, where are we going?

45:53 Drew Taking a break?

45:54 Adam Taking a break?

45:54 Drew Yeah, I think so.

45:55 Adam All right, we are? Yeah. Let's tease, oh, we got a question for the band. Ooh. Yeah. How'd you guys start? What was the hardest part of beginning?

46:06 Caller Of beginning, all right.

46:07 Adam Going back to the beginning. And then who else we gotta talk to real fast? Line five, talk to Ann who will screw around. Wait, we'll screw anyone who shows interest. We may well take that one first. Figure you out. Of The Year here tonight. We'll be right back after this.

46:27 Caller Alright guys, bottom line, here's the deal. Sick of wasting time with the wrong person. One call is all you need to make. Call the dateline. The dateline. 877-889-DATE.

47:05 Adam We're back. It's Love Line with Adam. That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191, store of the year here tonight. We've added Phil and Adam from the band, and Ryan is Remain because he's the anchor of the group, and because he had a question.

47:19 Caller Howdy.

47:19 Drew Should we start with that?

47:20 Adam Sure.

47:21 Story Of The Year What about that?

47:23 Caller Come on, man.

47:23 Story Of The Year Okay, here's my question. You know how you can't open up like a Maxim, or like a Playboy or anything, without seeing those little ads about the penis growth pills?

47:34 Drew Right?

47:35 Story Of The Year Right. Do those work?

47:36 Drew No.

47:37 Story Of The Year They don't at all?

47:37 Drew No.

47:38 Adam What do they do? Sorry.

47:40 Story Of The Year What? Yeah, what about the pump?

47:41 Adam The pump?

47:42 Drew Pumps do a little something.

47:43 Story Of The Year It does a little something?

47:44 Adam Yeah. I can talk to a guy about it. There's weights and there's a pump.

47:48 Story Of The Year Okay, so it's like the pump, something you just do like once?

47:51 Drew With Dr. Alter, is it coming in next week? Yeah, you know, you have to dedicate. No, it's more like a profession.

47:57 Adam Yeah, it becomes a way of life.

47:59 Caller But it does have long-term effects?

48:01 Drew Yes.

48:02 Adam Medium-term effects.

48:04 Drew Kind of go back to your genetic load.

48:07 Adam I mean, here's the whole thing. If you take it and you do it enough, I mean, is it sort of like lifting weights in that, you know, when you stop, you start going back, but you don't have a whole ton of results even when you're doing it. You just don't get fat for the most part. I mean, here's the whole thing. I did a whole thing. We did this on The Mansion. We talked to all these idiots. And you end up spending, it's a good excuse for you to spend, you know, two hours a day with your penis. It's really what it is because these guys treat it as some sort of medical procedure when really they're just jerking off for two, three hours a day. It couldn't, it's not going to hurt, but it damages your mind a little bit.

48:50 Caller Your soul.

48:51 Drew So this is why they develop yoga.

48:52 Adam That's right. That's right.

48:54 Drew So you just get your hands off yourself.

48:55 Caller So if you're small, you just got to deal with it.

48:58 Story Of The Year There's no, pills don't work.

48:59 Drew No, pills don't work.

49:00 Story Of The Year How can they do that?

49:02 Caller What's in the pills? This is just a placebo.

49:04 Drew They say it's a food, it's like an additive or a supplement, and then they are controlled by the FDA, and they can say anything they want, please.

49:13 Adam There's a lot of that.

49:14 Drew A ton of that.

49:16 Adam I mean, we talk about it all the time, but secondhand smoke kills 56,000 Americans a year.

49:21 Drew But vitamins, particularly, can say anything they want. They're food additives, and they do not go under.

49:26 Caller We should start a business.

49:27 Adam Yeah, you should.

49:29 Caller Seems to be doing well. All right.

49:33 Story Of The Year My girlfriend, the old bird, she has some decent...

49:36 Drew Is she listening?

49:37 Adam What?

49:38 Drew The old bird?

49:39 Story Of The Year I love you. She's listening. Anyway, she has a healthy wreck. You know what I'm saying?

49:44 Adam Mm-hmm.

49:45 Story Of The Year But she wants implants. You know, just so they're a little perkier.

49:48 Adam Mm-hmm.

49:49 Story Of The Year I want to know, like, honestly, like, what are the dangers of that? Like, is it really dangerous? Is it something that's, like, done so much today that it's not really a big deal?

49:58 Adam 80% of people die.

49:59 Story Of The Year You know what I'm saying? Like, you always hear all kinds of weird stories.

50:02 Drew There's, you know, remote possibility of death, a complication of anesthesia. There's infection and bleeding. There's usually the case that it's not a single procedure. You're sort of dedicating yourself to a series of procedures. They scar, they move, things happen, they capsulate.

50:18 Adam Well, are you saying, like, every eight years you got to re-op or something?

50:22 Drew Yeah, things that have to be done to them. It's very, very common for them to re-op.

50:26 Adam I like the part where you have to rub cocoa butter into them. That's my procedure. I mean, that's where I want to help.

50:33 Drew I've got another profession for you.

50:34 Caller What's very common, like 50-50?

50:37 Drew You know, I don't know the number. I'd be speaking at a turn if I did, but my experience has been like it's on that order.

50:41 Adam What do you mean? What do you mean? More procedures?

50:44 Drew Yeah, more stuff needs to be done, yeah.

50:46 Adam Well, if you sort of think about it, it's not a forever proposition. I mean, if you get a boob job at, you know, 2026, are you going to need some adjustment at 40 or? Yeah. All right.

50:59 Drew Pamela Lee, she had to have her out and back in.

51:01 Adam But on the other hand, it seems to work out okay for most people to do it, right?

51:06 Drew Yeah.

51:07 Adam I think there's a little backlash against the fake boobs these days, so.

51:10 Drew Yes, very definitely.

51:11 Adam Yeah. Do you want her to do it?

51:13 Story Of The Year You know, there's nothing wrong with some fake boobs. I mean, her boobs are already good.

51:21 Adam So it's good either way?

51:22 Story Of The Year I'm good either way.

51:23 Adam That's a cop out. Come on. Which one? You got to decide.

51:28 Story Of The Year I'd rather it didn't. No. It's kind of.

51:30 Adam Fine.

51:30 Story Of The Year Doesn't seem natural.

51:31 Adam Well, tell her that. She should be into that.

51:32 Caller Doesn't seem natural. It's not natural.

51:34 Story Of The Year You know, it just seems dangerous.

51:36 Adam Make her deal that you're not going to enlarge your penis if she doesn't enlarge her boobs.

51:40 Caller Save your money.

51:41 Adam That's right. Dan?

51:43 Yeah. And hey, I got to tell you, if you look at those penis magazines, whatever, they are done in Photoshop to make the penis look bigger. They are mostly that size.

51:53 Adam Well, no. It's the same guy who's got a boner. I mean, that's all it is. I mean, it's a ridiculous thing because it's like one guy, here's what he looks like, and now he uses this stuff. Yeah, he's got a boner now.

52:05 Caller Yeah, but if he's got a boner with seven inches, I can make it to where it's like 14 inches or to where it is going down across the street.

52:12 Drew Dan, what's your question about it?

52:14 Adam Dan's such a genius, such a genius. So you mean you could take a picture of a penis and take a picture of a battleship and make the penis look bigger than the battleship? But if we saw that hand, we wouldn't think it was three football fields long.

52:27 Drew Of course we would. Dan would see to it.

52:29 Adam We'd think your penis was a floating city.

52:31 Drew Yes, and with all the people pointing off the side of the battleship.

52:35 Adam Bigger than them, too. Alright, Dan, interesting.

52:39 Caller I'm creating a band while I'm thinking about it, and I was wondering, how many days of the week do you have to take out time to practice? All of them. All of them? Okay. Because I'm playing the saxophone right now and the piano, and I was just wondering how hard is it to make an album and, you know, just all that.

52:56 Caller Do you want to do anything else with your life?

53:00 Caller Well, I don't need to work or anything, but...

53:03 Caller I mean, do you have any other goals besides being in a band?

53:06 Caller Oh, yeah, I'm going into animation. I'm going to college right now.

53:10 Adam That's how he makes the penises look bigger.

53:14 Caller You should take your pick. I don't know many doctors that had backup plans, and I don't know many lawyers that had backup plans, so if you're going to do what you're going to do, you don't need that.

53:25 Adam Do you have your saxophone handy?

53:27 Caller No, I don't.

53:28 Adam All right. What about a piano?

53:31 Caller No, I don't. I'm not from this area. I'm visiting a friend. Okay. I'm from Washington, Ohio, and I'm in Richmond, California.

53:41 Adam So your question is sort of one that's hard to answer, which is how many days a week or should you practice?

53:47 Caller It's what you need to do.

53:48 Adam If you want to be a musician, just play all the time because you love it, and hopefully things will work out for you.

53:53 Caller Depends on how bad you want it.

53:55 Adam We've had this every time a band actor, whoever, comes in here, it's always the same question, like, what are the odds? What do I got to do so I can get on TV? It's like, or get a record deal, or whatever it is. Here's the answer. There's no answer. If you're really, really good, and you do it all the time, hopefully, because the universe is sort of indifferent, it's not really just per se, it just doesn't care. It's just like a lazy parent. That's really what the universe is. It wants to watch TV while you go do whatever you want to do. So, if you work really hard, and you have talent, hopefully something will work out. No guarantees. You trying to sort of quantify it and get it on a timetable before it happens is ridiculous. It's a horrible impulse, by the way. Actually, these are the people that aren't going to be successful. You should be playing your instrument because you love to play your instrument, whether you get paid or not.

54:50 Drew I think our callers that call and ask those sorts of questions are expecting some sort of anointing. It's like, they told me what the magic is and now I'll be able to figure this out.

55:00 Adam Yeah, whatever, you want to be a comedian, you want to be an actor, you want to be a musician, just start doing it and do it for free. Do it as much as you possibly can and something good will happen.

55:10 Drew The doing it for free part is a common thread amongst people that are successful in some sort of creative endeavor. They did it for a long time for free just because they liked doing it.

55:18 Adam But everything is about free.

55:20 Drew When you're in school, when I was training. It's not even free, you're paying.

55:25 Adam All my loser friends from North Hollywood, the reason they're losers now is because they wouldn't do anything for free. You say to them, look, you're 18, you're out of high school, you can either get a job or someone pays you, albeit a nominal fee, seven, eight bucks an hour, or you can go sit somewhere for free. Or you gotta buy the books. And that's like, hey, that's for suckers. I'm gonna go get paid. And that's what happened.

55:48 Drew And there is the ability to delay gratification.

55:51 Adam That's what it is. That's all it is.

55:53 Drew It's not all that because if you're doing what you love in the meantime anyway, you are being sort of gratified.

55:56 Adam Yeah, except for, you may love radio, but you don't love getting coffee and not getting paid for some A-hole DJ. So it's not, you don't get to do what you love.

56:08 Drew Right, right, right.

56:09 Adam That's the whole thing, everybody. You gotta do what sucks for a while. And the people, as soon as you get it over with.

56:15 Drew Paying your dues.

56:16 Adam Yeah, just do it early and then you can do it.

56:20 Drew Or you can just keep doing it like Adam did and eventually get a break.

56:23 Adam But listen, but keep in mind, if you suck, you suck. You're not gonna get anywhere as a musician, as a comedian, as an actor.

56:30 Drew But the American Idol sort of experience taught me that people cannot, they have no self-assessment skills. How do you get people to address reality, to know when they suck?

56:39 Adam Yeah, well here's, I'll tell you why. Simon. Yeah, Simon's gonna do it for everybody. Here's the thing, everybody. Because I'm tired of this sort of showbiz. And it's actually, these feelings are echoed within this very studio, Drew. I mean, remember producer Lauren? Talk about that with her. Yeah, here's the point. Luck ain't got nothing to do with it. It's talent and it's hard work. 99.9% of the time. And this whole sort of showbiz, and they do the same with bands.

57:10 Drew That's why I was thinking, if somebody sucks or they find out they suck, could they not go back to the drawing board and really retrain and reapply themselves?

57:17 Adam No, but that hole, it's who you know and you're lucked out and it's all just screw that.

57:22 Caller I don't know if I agree with you completely on the luck thing. Because it's like you kind of do have to get lucky. I know a lot of bands that are way more talented than we are. Well, yeah. But they didn't work hard enough to get to the point where you could get lucky. You know what I mean? It's hard work to a point, but the hardest working, most talented band won't always get signed. You have to have a little bit of luck in there, you know? We did.

57:48 Adam And there's different words for luck. But what I'm saying is you can't affect luck. You can't adjust it. You can't factor it in. So pretend it doesn't exist, work hard, and go about your business.

58:02 Drew And look for opportunity and seize opportunity when it emerges.

58:06 Adam And anytime there is something called luck, if you scratch beneath the surface just a little bit, you'll find that it was somebody's idea to go out that night and play or put that flyer up or return that guy's phone call. Whatever we chalk up as there is a function of hard work, you'll see that there's something behind that normally. Yeah, you may have been discovered, but you had to be playing somewhere before the record guy saw you.

58:33 Caller Hard work makes the opportunity for quote-unquote luck.

58:36 Story Of The Year Plus, if you're in a band, it has a lot to do with being with the right people. Because if you're the only one in the band that cares, you're just screwed.

58:43 Adam Yeah, and don't get me wrong. There are bands that should have record contracts that don't and bands that have them that shouldn't. That's always going to be that way with everybody. And there should be actors that shouldn't be working, ones that should. That's the bottom five and the top 5%. Now all of us just land somewhere in between, and let's just pretend they don't exist and move forward. Thank you. Ann? You're 20?

59:09 Caller Hey guys, thanks for taking my call. My question is that I'll pretty much have sex with anybody who's willing to have sex with me.

59:18 Drew Do you seek that out or does that happen to you once in a while?

59:22 Caller Well, when I'm drunk I kind of seek it out and I get really aggressive.

59:27 Adam No, that guy would be lucky there though. That guy would be getting lucky. That would be luck.

59:33 Caller If he created his own opportunity to get in the position to be lucky.

59:35 Drew He has to be out there looking.

59:38 Adam He's got to get you to drink them. He's got to have a van. I mean, there are things he has to do. I agree.

59:45 Caller Are you overweight?

59:46 Caller Am I? Well, I don't know. Last time I called Adam said I was fat, but...

59:53 Adam Oh, please.

59:54 Caller That was not even sensitive at all.

59:55 Adam Let's do the radio math. Tell us your size.

59:59 Caller Okay, no radio math because I just got weighed not too long ago. I am 172 and I'm 5.

1:00:05 Adam Drew, please.

1:00:06 Drew And you're how tall?

1:00:07 Caller 5'10.

1:00:08 Drew 5'10.

1:00:08 Adam 5'10.

1:00:09 Caller And last time I thought I was 170, but I am 172 on the dot.

1:00:13 Adam All right. And there's a lot of women there. But in Minnesota, you're Pixie.

1:00:19 Caller Oh, yeah.

1:00:20 Adam They're big over there. No, you got to be. It's the polar region over there. I mean, you don't see any skinny polar bears. You know what I mean? I mean, you got to protect yourself from the elements over there. Yes?

1:00:31 Caller Yeah.

1:00:34 Adam So why are you? What's wrong? You have a little self-esteem issue?

1:00:38 Caller I guess, like, I feel like if somebody wants to have sex with me, I need to, like, reward them with having sex with me because they're, like, so nice to want to have sex with me.

1:00:48 Adam Wow. Why? Every guy wants to have sex with everyone.

1:00:51 Drew But there it is, by the way, the irony of the esteem issue in men and women, that the high esteem male has lots of sex and the low esteem female has lots of sex.

1:00:59 Caller Right.

1:01:02 Adam I thought, oh, yeah? And then I went, oh, yeah. Ann?

1:01:08 Caller Yeah?

1:01:09 Adam How about just rewarding them with a hand job and compromising?

1:01:13 Drew Or a relationship?

1:01:13 Caller For people I don't have sex with, that's what I do to them.

1:01:17 Adam Oh, that's nice.

1:01:18 Drew What about just a relationship with any of these guys that seem interested in you? Is that a possibility?

1:01:21 Caller Well, then, like, people who want to talk to me after I have sex with them, I'm totally, like, turned off and I'm, like, get away with for me. People that don't want to talk to me, that's, like, who I go after.

1:01:33 Drew So what happened to you?

1:01:34 Caller Oh, I don't know. Nothing really. I don't... Actually, like, just, like, driving home the other day, I thought of this, like, instance where I screwed around with somebody when I was five that I had never really, like, remembered before, but...

1:01:49 Drew Well, there you go.

1:01:50 Caller I think the guy was, like, eight or nine.

1:01:52 Drew But child-on-child sexual abuse is a fairly common form of sexual abuse. That child, the eight-year-old, had been abused by an adult. And that's what causes them to act out like that.

1:02:02 Adam Not necessarily.

1:02:03 Drew And then, and probably you being a... There's something made you a desirable victim, too. You must have lived in a lot of chaos at home or something like that.

1:02:10 Caller Well, my parents got divorced around that time, but...

1:02:13 Drew Right, there you go.

1:02:15 Caller I have, like, depression and BPD, but...

1:02:19 Drew Whoop-a-bop-a-bop-a. She slipped that by borderline personality disorder.

1:02:22 Adam There we go. Yeah. Now we're getting to it.

1:02:25 Story Of The Year You ever had a serious relationship?

1:02:26 Caller No.

1:02:27 Adam How about one with Jesus Christ?

1:02:29 Caller Yeah, I'm religious.

1:02:31 Adam Okay, good.

1:02:32 Caller Obviously not too religious, because...

1:02:33 Adam Yeah, stop blowing everyone in town.

1:02:37 Caller How many dudes are we talking to here, total?

1:02:39 Caller I don't really know.

1:02:42 Caller You don't really know because you don't want to know or because you're drunk too many times, or...

1:02:46 Caller Well, a little of both.

1:02:49 Drew All right, I got a plan for it. You've been in and out of hospitals, right?

1:02:53 Caller Yeah.

1:02:54 Drew Psychiatric hospitals. And you've tried to get out of the hospital, right? Yeah. And you've tried to get out of the hospital, right? Yeah. And you've tried to get out of the hospital, right? And you've tried to get out of the hospital, right? And you've tried to get out of the hospital, right? Okay. That's what you tell me when you say you have BPD. All right. So you have some sort of bipolar quality, which can be part of borderline personality disorder.

1:03:19 Adam What you need to do?

1:03:20 Drew But you need to calm down because this is all the internal, an expression of the internal chaos you're feeling emotionally, and it's not healthy for you. It makes you feel worse. It further deteriorates your esteem. It adds to the chaos and acting out. With borderline, you need to learn how to contain, right? Let people around you help you contain. Form real relationships with people who actually care about you. Trust their availability and go to them when you feel those low self-esteem impulses and don't go out and screw guys. What is, what is, because by the way, what she does, then she starts feeling really bad about herself. She gets attached to some guy and you're not available. That's when she tries to kill herself. She didn't put that part of the story in, but I'm guarantee you that's what it was. Remember, she said there are guys that aren't available that she has to be with? Yeah. Magically. Just check it out. And the heels of that, come on, I want to know. Ann? Yeah? On the heels of these relationships where these guys who were actually unavailable to you, is that when the suicidiality has come out, the suicides?

1:04:14 Adam I'm adding 1000% as usual. Do you ever get tired of being wrong? Never bothers you?

1:04:19 Drew I didn't hear what the actuality was. I'm sure it's going to end up being somewhat what I was saying.

1:04:23 Adam You want to be wrong 2000%?

1:04:25 Drew Let's just go on.

1:04:26 Adam All right, let's, let's, we got to cut our losses by this. You're crashing and burning here. It's humiliating for the band. We got people here tonight.

1:04:32 Caller I think he's doing all right.

1:04:34 Adam No, this is, this is very bad. You may be stripped of your Hippocratic oath or something. What do you got? I'm gonna sit and then slap, right, the white glove. Here, okay. What can somebody do, Drew? I know I'm Pollyanna-ish with my listen, knock it off and start listening to classical music and start taking long walks and, you know, just, just stop. I mean, I know you can't tell a drug addict just to stop. You're hooked on heroin. You're hooked on heroin.

1:05:01 Drew You can't tell an obese person just to stop eating. You can't tell a borderline just to stop acting out.

1:05:06 Adam No, she doesn't work that way. She needs medication. There's no doubt about it. But is there a part in human beings, and it depends how far gone you are, where you realize what you're doing wrong, you realize that these guys are hurting your self-esteem and affecting you in negative ways, can you just start changing your life? I mean, can you start saying, I'm getting out of bed, I'm gonna set the alarm for 7 a.m. and I'm getting out of bed tomorrow morning?

1:05:32 Drew Yes, but you will not make that change by just simply deciding the change is coming. You have to start having relationships with other people that are more healthy.

1:05:42 Caller So you're saying you can grow out of certain disorders like that?

1:05:46 Drew Well, Ann has a pretty serious situation. People most people would say no.

1:05:49 Adam Ann may not be a great example of willpower.

1:05:51 Drew But in these kinds of situations, yes, people can grow out of them. They grow out of them through growth in relationships, real relationships, that's how they do it.

1:05:59 Adam All right, I'm just telling you personally, I sort of beat my bad habits out of myself. Sometimes three times a day.

1:06:07 Drew Literally, yeah, I understand that's how you did it.

1:06:10 Adam I couldn't do anything and I just started sort of beating it out of myself. I just get up early and just start doing stuff.

1:06:17 Drew But you don't realize, you can't factor in because it's hard to assess the subtle changes of the years and years and years of therapy you've had. And that's what it gave you the capacity to institute those changes.

1:06:28 Adam Yeah, but I decided to go to therapy.

1:06:32 Drew Absolutely, you can always decide to get treatment and treatment works and then magically you'll start attracting better people, having better relationships.

1:06:38 Adam Treatment just helps you facilitate the change. And that's what you're saying.

1:06:42 Drew No, it gives you the brain mechanisms to actually allow the change. Yes, yes, yes. Oh, yes, yes. Oh, yes, yes.

1:06:48 Adam Listen, don't be wrong. You'd be wrong again in front of, yeah, you're gonna bring that magical data in. You never have any data whenever I'm right. So it's, oh, wait, I'll bring this in because they never got it. I have my little girls. He's always wrong, that's the problem. Erica.

1:07:02 Drew Ooh, that stopped him, I like that. That's good, I'll bring that up in a plot. Small children.

1:07:06 Adam I want you to bring that magical dad in.

1:07:08 Drew No, it's not dad, it's mama.

1:07:10 Adam I want you to bring your mom in here to defend you.

1:07:12 Caller Leave your dad out of this.

1:07:14 Adam Erica.

1:07:15 Yes?

1:07:16 Adam You're 17?

1:07:17 Caller Yes.

1:07:18 Adam What's up?

1:07:19 Caller I was wondering, I'm on the birth control pill and I was wondering if you can get pregnant on the sugar pills when you're not on your period, like when you first start taking them.

1:07:29 Drew When you first start taking them?

1:07:31 Caller Yeah, like I'm on a Sunday program.

1:07:35 Drew You mean at the end of your first packet? No, you're fine.

1:07:38 Caller And I also have a question.

1:07:40 Drew Well, in a way, many people advise you to use a condom all the way through that first pack and you're okay when you start the second one. I mean, after that, from ever on, you're fine without any point in the cycle. You're fine, relax. Think about it, they would have told you, hey, during the sugar pills, wear a condom.

1:07:58 Adam Are you supposed to be on your period during the sugar pills?

1:08:01 Drew It depends if it's triphasic or not.

1:08:02 Caller Isn't the sugar pill only to keep you from taking it on the same day?

1:08:07 Drew And these days now, they're eliminating the sugar pill and having to take these things continuously so you never have your period.

1:08:12 Story Of The Year Isn't that gonna cause problems down there with like odor and stuff?

1:08:16 Drew Odor? Of what? What would smell?

1:08:18 Story Of The Year I don't know, stuff's gotta come out.

1:08:20 Drew Because the pill prevents it from growing.

1:08:22 Adam What wouldn't smell? Come on, Drew, brain. Plenty of stuff to smell down there. A lot of parts, a lot of moving parts. Let me ask you guys this. I don't know when the last time you guys opened a dress shirt was, but can we do away with the several thousand pins that you gotta use? I know I'm changing gears here.

1:08:42 Drew How about the layers and layers of cardboard?

1:08:44 Adam What's going on with these things?

1:08:46 Caller If you're buying them from JCPenney, you know what I mean?

1:08:48 Drew No, but they're pins, like there's 4,000 pins.

1:08:50 Adam There's four or 5,000 pins.

1:08:52 Drew And they're into the cardboard, so to pull them out, you need a plier.

1:08:55 Adam There's always the one you miss.

1:08:57 Drew Yeah, and that stabs you all day.

1:08:59 Adam I had a huge pyramid of pins on top of my dressers. I was pulling things apart, and then of course, that night threw my keys down or something. They're all over the floor now. I'm gonna get tetanus and die. I'm just saying, if anyone manufactures dress shirts, the pins, you know, we gotta work something out.

1:09:18 Drew We gotta work it out. Some companies have clips.

1:09:20 Adam Fold it up and clip it or something. Put it in something. It's a mess anyway when you open it up. It's all wrinkled stuff. I don't know how many holes you can put in your shirt before it goes south, but just put a pin count on the front thing so we can account for all of them. No, it's like 28 pins in this shirt. I've only got 26. There's two missing. I gotta find them before they end up up my ass. All right, that's all I want. I just wanna reconfigure the packaging of dress shirts. It's one of my many missions. When I'm in charge, that'll be number one.

1:09:50 Drew Number 27.

1:09:51 Adam That's right. Yeah, Of The Year here tonight, take a quick break. We'll come back, we'll hear something from the band and we'll be right back after this.

1:10:04 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:10:16 Adam Hey, everybody, Loveline. Of The Year here tonight. Yo. We're gonna hear something off of Page Avenue, the CD, in just one call. Yeah? Yeah. Speak to Andy, who's a virgin.

1:10:31 Drew Whatever you pick.

1:10:33 Adam I like Virgin Andy, he's 20. Andy?

1:10:37 Caller Hi. Oh my God, I love your guys' show. You guys are the best. I listen to you guys every night. You're great.

1:10:42 Adam Thanks buddy. Maybe if you do a little less listening to the show and a little more cruising, you could get laid.

1:10:50 Caller Yeah. Yeah.

1:10:52 Drew Yeah, sounds very optimistic. Yeah, sure.

1:10:57 Adam So what's up, you're virgin?

1:10:59 Caller Yeah, I just, I mean, I've had girls that wanted, you know, do it with me and stuff, but I just never, you know, like I've always been like a real heartfelt guy, you know, I never wanted to do anything unless I felt it. And I've just, it seems like every girl I go out with or I'm interested in always has a boyfriend or, you know, or there's some other like problem. I mean, I went out with a girl tonight actually, and she didn't tell me she had a boyfriend till halfway into the day.

1:11:29 Adam Might you be gay? Mike, is there any gayness in your anus?

1:11:34 Caller I mean, I really, I've thought about it. I'm certainly not a homo.

1:11:38 Drew Hold on a second, hold on a second. I've thought about it. You thought about it, Adam, didn't you? And just decided, eh, that's not for me.

1:11:46 Adam Being gay?

1:11:46 Drew Yeah.

1:11:47 Adam No, I mean, the reality, we haven't talked about this in a while, but like for instance, and I'm not being homophobic here, but like for instance, gay porno to straight guys is revolting. Well, and not from a judgment standpoint. I love the gays. I wish I was gay.

1:12:08 Drew I know, you've always wished you were gay.

1:12:09 Adam Now you're gonna bed. Please, God, let me be gay.

1:12:12 Drew It doesn't work.

1:12:13 Adam What a life I would have if I was gay. Drew, you and I.

1:12:17 Drew I've told you. I've told you and told you.

1:12:20 Adam Hello, carpool to the radio show. That's number one. Number two. Number one is carpooling.

1:12:26 Drew We have sort of all of life needs covered.

1:12:28 Adam We're done.

1:12:28 Drew I'm a carpenter.

1:12:29 Adam You're a doctor. Oh my God, what a great life we'd have. You know, I need some quail-oods, you need a shelf hung. All right, we're not gay. Unfortunately, we're not. That's really sad.

1:12:45 Drew It's really.

1:12:46 Adam Okay, the point is this. If you're sort of thinking about it or There is no thinking about it.

1:12:53 Drew The straight guy does not contemplate.

1:12:55 Adam Doesn't cross his mind. Yeah.

1:12:59 Drew So that's, and then he's kind of never, he always finds unavailable woman magically. Can't seal the deal. Isn't motivated to seal the deal. One of the things I think about is whether or not there's something biologically wrong with him too. There are guys with pituitary tumors and things sometimes get like this also.

1:13:14 Adam Yeah, maybe there's little testosterone production problem. Have you ever been checked out?

1:13:20 Caller Not for that. I mean, I know I'm attracted to women. I mean, when I masturbate, it's always to women.

1:13:27 Adam That's good. All right, let's step in the right direction.

1:13:32 Caller But it's been harder and harder to do that lately.

1:13:35 Adam Why?

1:13:36 Caller I don't know. I mean, a girl watched me do it once and she said, I did it like really, really hard. I mean, I don't know.

1:13:47 Adam Hold on a second. We gotta reconvene now.

1:13:49 Caller That's interesting.

1:13:51 Adam Andy's, now let me tell you the through line. He's spinning for the guys who can't get laid. It's always a little creepy vibe going on. Like chicks listening are like, ugh. They're like their skin, you know dogs make their skin move? Cats do that too? Horses. Horses, their skin moves like a horse. I go, what the, I wish I could do that. Fly lands on me, I'm not moving my hands. It's gonna make my nose go like bewitched. Yeah, I gotta learn to move my skin that way. I could masturbate with no hands. I have two remotes. No, remote and a magazine. No, paper, all right, I'll work it out.

1:14:25 Drew Hoagie and remote.

1:14:27 Adam I could eat, I could eat and beat. It'd be great, like I'm eating, I'm working remote and I'm just manipulating the skin on my penis, like a horse. Oh, that would be awesome. Because that's the only problem with beating off that you can't eat. Just, it's, you know.

1:14:46 Caller I face that problem daily.

1:14:47 Adam Yeah, I mean, I think most guys do.

1:14:49 Caller I get hungry, you know, right in the middle of it all the time.

1:14:51 Adam Yeah, it's like you, what do you do? Maybe we should invent something like that. But, like that shampoo Pert, you know, it's conditioner and a shampoo. Because, you know, you don't have to, you see in a commercial, you know, it's like trying to carry a shampoo bottle and a conditioner bottle from this, like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

1:15:10 Drew Too much.

1:15:10 Adam I like that guy's walking the show. Then I put it both. This is where we combine the food with the, all right.

1:15:17 Drew Whatever.

1:15:17 Adam Okay, here's the point. The point is, is, let's say Andy doing. Oh, you hear a song.

1:15:23 Drew That's the deal.

1:15:23 Adam No, Andy's creeping. Andy's creepy.

1:15:26 Drew He may be creeping people. There's sort of two choices. He's either kind of creeping people out and so he doesn't have opportunity, or he has like a prolactin secreting tumor and just doesn't have a drive.

1:15:37 Adam Andy?

1:15:37 Caller Yeah.

1:15:38 Adam What do you do for a living?

1:15:41 Caller Well, I go to community college right now and I'm a-

1:15:44 Drew Right now.

1:15:45 Caller And I'm a temp worker.

1:15:47 Adam What do you think of my idea of porn you can eat?

1:15:51 Caller What?

1:15:53 Drew It's like porn. So you know, drive.

1:15:55 Adam How often do you masturbate?

1:15:58 Caller Like once, maybe twice a day.

1:16:01 Adam Oh. And the woman who said you're masturbating too hard, in the family or outside the family?

1:16:09 Caller Definitely outside.

1:16:10 Adam Outside the family. And what was she doing there watching you do it without participating with you?

1:16:16 Caller Well, she was trying to give me a blow job and she couldn't make me come.

1:16:20 Adam And was she, was this a professional woman or a date?

1:16:26 Drew How dare you? How dare you?

1:16:27 Adam I have to ask the hard questions.

1:16:28 Caller I understand.

1:16:29 Adam And then make fun of everyone who calls. You understand? Okay. All right, Andy. Okay, here's another thing too. 20 year old guys who had a little difficulty getting out of the blocks with the ladies, like some guys, some guys stumble out of the block somewhere around ninth or 10th grade and just never really get into their stride. And then their lifestyle doesn't help them. You know what I mean? They're going to junior college, they don't have a job, they drive a crappy car. Now they're sort of adults who don't have that confidence. A guy who got laid in high school can carry that momentum into his crappy adult life. Even with the crappy car and the junior college can still get the chips. And the cocaine and the heroin. But he can still get, you know, he knows what he's doing. Yeah, all right, so I would say to Andy, don't focus on the women so much. Get your life in order. All guys who want to get laid, forget about convincing women. Just get your ass together. Get a good gig, get a nice car. Get your life in order. And then women will be much easier to land.

1:17:32 Caller Didn't you say there was some chicks that wanted to score with you and you weren't so into it?

1:17:38 Adam Was that young Andy, Andy?

1:17:40 Caller Yeah.

1:17:40 Adam Chicks, what chicks wanted to score with you?

1:17:44 Caller Um, well, this one chick, I mean, she thought I was into her and I wasn't really, but she wanted, you know, she was like really attracted to me, so I couldn't resist. But in the end, I wound up not having sex with her because I didn't think it was the right thing to do.

1:17:59 Adam All right, that's fine. Listen, Andy, just get your life together, would you? I don't know what you're doing in junior college. Well, actually I do, it's languishing. Get out of that junior college, get a job. Get out of the house, get a car, get a career.

1:18:12 Caller I've got a nice car, at least.

1:18:16 Drew There we go, song, song.

1:18:18 Adam Yeah, you just talking Andy, you just realize that ain't gonna happen, right?

1:18:22 Drew It's gonna be a little while.

1:18:25 Adam Women hate that sort of herky-jerky. Yep. Yep, Drew didn't have that. Drew had a ramp, my friend. So I'm gonna be a doctor.

1:18:32 Drew No, I was just silent.

1:18:33 Adam I'm gonna be a doctor.

1:18:35 Caller I lived in Ryan's basement and rode a razor scooter to a pizza place every day. And now I'm engaged to the girl I was with at that point. So I worked out all right.

1:18:46 Adam Yeah, you're able.

1:18:47 Drew You're in a rap, you're in a band.

1:18:49 Adam Yeah, you're in a band.

1:18:50 Caller We didn't make any money. We don't even make money now.

1:18:53 Drew Doesn't matter.

1:18:55 Adam Chicks, just as long as you're doing something that sounds like it might be something one day.

1:19:00 Caller They dig the plan?

1:19:01 Adam Yeah, they dig the plan.

1:19:04 Caller So even if he doesn't get his life together, he just needs to get a plan together.

1:19:08 Drew He needs to behave like somebody with a plan.

1:19:10 Adam Yeah, that's all women want to see is they just take a look at a guy and they go, what direction is he going? Is he laterally? Is he going up? Is he going down? If they see the plan, they're fine with that.

1:19:20 Caller Yeah, I've heard that a million times. People don't stay with somebody because they have no motivation.

1:19:24 Adam That's what women want and a plan and a little confidence. And let's hear a song, what do you say?

1:19:29 Drew That's what I want.

1:19:30 Adam Alright, this is another little something from Of The Year, anthem. This is called the anthem of our dying day.

1:19:38 Drew Yeah.

1:23:09 Adam Yeah, a little Of The Year, everybody. We got Adam and Phil here.

1:23:17 Drew They're working on some new lyrics.

1:23:19 Adam We're gonna take ourselves a quick break, and we'll be right back after this.

1:23:30 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:23:33 Story Of The Year Hey, everybody, it's Loveline.

1:23:34 Adam I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Adam and Phil here tonight. From Of The Year. These guys are gonna be playing my dear, dear friend, Jimmy Kimmel's show coming up on the 19th of this month, which is a good thing. Yes, very good. I just found out about moments ago. All right, let's get back to the phones and put this show to bed. What do you say, Drew? Yeah. Yeah, Amber? You're 19? What's up?

1:24:05 Caller I wanna say hi. Hi, I love you guys, I love the show. I have a question. The other day I was with my boyfriend and I noticed that there's like, I don't know if it's normal, like an inch of, like when I go in my vagina, it's like this ball thing, like this bulgy thing.

1:24:22 Drew You mean if you were to put your finger in, say to the second knuckle, Yeah. you'd feel something at the tip of your finger?

1:24:28 Caller Yeah.

1:24:29 Drew That's smooth and round, seems like a little, like a tennis ball or a little, like a handball or something?

1:24:34 Caller It's a little smaller than that, yeah.

1:24:36 Drew Yeah. That's your cervix.

1:24:37 Caller Oh, okay.

1:24:38 Adam Really?

1:24:39 Drew Good times.

1:24:40 Adam Drew, I'll tell you that, huh? You know, you gotta watch out. Let me tell you something. I'm no doctor. And it could be, it could very well be your cervix. I'm not saying it's not. I'm not saying it's not. All right, shut up. Let me tell you a story.

1:24:56 Drew I wanna know why.

1:24:57 Adam Let me tell you a story.

1:24:58 Drew Adam's done with the story.

1:24:58 Adam I'll tell you why, I'll tell you why. It may, in fact, turn out to be your cervix and I pray it is. But let me just tell you something. I was watching my friend, Philip the Juggler, cause he juggled.

1:25:09 Drew Yes.

1:25:10 Adam I was watching his dog and-

1:25:12 Drew His dog?

1:25:13 Adam His dog.

1:25:14 Drew You mean you're babysitting it?

1:25:15 Adam I was babysitting his dog. Yeah, I was watching his dog for him some years ago.

1:25:19 Drew Dog sitting. He was in Bronson.

1:25:20 Adam And the dog, he was in Branson, Missouri. And the dog actually was playing with its toy. It was a hard rubber ball. He dropped that ball into my toilet when he was trying to get a drink out of it. The ball went into the toilet just out of eyes view and then wedged a solid, solid ball in there. So, you know, now that you take a crap in the toilets, whatever, so you hit it with the plunger, nothing. Then you rent that snake thing that was short, but all that auger, but all you do is shove the ball. The ball is too big for the hole. And that solid rubber, one of those orange, pink ones, and you're wedging it, nothing. So then what you do, get up on the roof, put the hose down, you blow it out through the breather hole, nothing, that actually pulled the toilet off, the goddamn thing. And I'm like, what, where is it? Okay, it was in there. I'm saying, has she been watching Philip the Juggler's Dog?

1:26:15 Drew He dropped something in her vagina.

1:26:17 Adam God forbid. I don't wish it on anyone, Amber.

1:26:23 Drew Should they take off the vagina and look inside?

1:26:25 Adam Well, that's the thing.

1:26:26 Drew Or blow it out from above.

1:26:28 Adam Use the hose. Put the hose in your ass, Amber. Well, I'm just trying to be safe. You're not watching a dog.

1:26:37 Drew No, no.

1:26:38 Adam No.

1:26:39 Drew I'm not a doctor, Drew. What were you paranoid about?

1:26:43 Caller Well, I had an ovarian tumor about like three years ago.

1:26:46 Drew You had an ovarian cyst. Yes. That's not an ovarian tumor. Okay, the ovarian cysts are normal. Everybody gets ovarian cysts.

1:26:58 Adam Again, I don't want to complicate things, but I had...

1:27:00 Drew You can't drop it in the ovarian, no I couldn't.

1:27:02 Adam And there's an Asian guy who was watching at the house once. A friend dropped it.

1:27:05 Drew You were watching. You were watching.

1:27:07 Adam Yeah.

1:27:07 Drew Did he drop a ball in the toilet?

1:27:08 Adam I love ping pong, this guy.

1:27:10 Drew Oh, I see. Where'd you get, where?

1:27:13 Adam I just, I don't know if I should keep going or not, but I'm just saying this cyst could very well be what happened with... All right, she's paranoid, right? You gotta know your parts a little bit better than that, right?

1:27:26 Drew A little hysteretic.

1:27:26 Caller Wait, wait, wait. You said everyone gets ovarian cysts?

1:27:28 Drew Absolutely.

1:27:29 Caller Like everyone, everyone.

1:27:30 Drew Well, you don't.

1:27:31 Caller Well, no, I mean, I'm saying all women get ovarian cysts.

1:27:33 Drew At some time or another. And the doctors don't realize how it freaks them out when they go, oh, it's an ovarian cyst. I can feel it. Oh, I have a tumor. No, it's ovarian cyst. Do they have to be removed? Very rarely. The other one we always hear about. When you form, when egg starts forming and it's released for pregnancy and released to be available for sperm, a little cyst is left behind, they call it a follicular cyst, or sometimes it doesn't really stay and it forms a cyst. And sometimes they enlarge pretty good, sometimes they have multiple follicular cysts. Pretty much everybody gets them at some point in their life. Sometimes they can rupture and cause a lot of pain, they can bleed, they can be a problem, but they're so common, it's pretty much essentially benign.

1:28:10 Adam This, you know, the other thing that we always hear is the abnormal cells on the pap smear is cancer. They have precancerous cells.

1:28:19 Drew No, no, they'll still. Yeah, I have cervical cancer. I got about a week to go.

1:28:22 Adam Right.

1:28:23 Drew A week to live, that's it, that's it.

1:28:24 Adam And then imagine this ball wedged into this toilet, me going at it from the front side and from the back side and going insane on the roof.

1:28:32 Drew How did you finally figure it out?

1:28:34 Adam At a certain point, it's like, it's like, you know, took the whole goddamn toilet off and started looking down the bottom where the wax Johnny ring was. And like, I started like doing the math. Like it's gotta be right in here somewhere. I'd taken the auger and wedged it in so much of it.

1:28:52 Drew How long did that take?

1:28:53 Adam I gutted that dog like a pig.

1:28:55 Drew I killed that dog. How long did it take, the whole process, including the killing the dog?

1:28:59 Adam I still, it was like a day and, you know, a hundred bucks. And I was making nine bucks an hour and living in a dump at North Hollywood with three people. Yeah, just being poor sucks. Cause now you just get on the phone and some guy would figure it out, not you. Who do you want to talk to? You want to talk to Christine? No. No? Susan? You're 21?

1:29:23 Caller I love you guys for the show.

1:29:24 Adam Thanks.

1:29:27 Caller Yeah, I was just wondering, like, I've been dating this guy for a long time and I know everyone kind of goes through like a phase where they do some coke.

1:29:35 Adam Sure. Mine's coming up, by the way. I don't have an energy yet.

1:29:39 Caller I'm not in that everyone thing, I suppose.

1:29:42 Adam Well, not yet.

1:29:43 Drew Yeah.

1:29:44 Adam You're going through a phase eventually. I'm going to start doing, I'm getting like an eight ball this weekend.

1:29:48 Drew It may feel to you like everyone or you may hang around with people that do it. So it seems like everyone, but no, everyone does not do cocaine.

1:29:53 Caller Well, I mean, Phase. A lot of people go through a phase, you know, like a couple of weeks where they do it or.

1:29:58 Drew No, a lot of people don't would be a more accurate thing. Some do. Some would be the worst. Some do, yeah.

1:30:05 Caller So you guys are saying that if you ever do go through a phase like that, that that automatically qualifies you for help?

1:30:13 Drew We didn't say anything like that. We just said that it's a lot, that some people do that and a lot of people don't.

1:30:18 Adam Well, Drew and I felt, and I think I can speak for the band here, that you're trying to sort of rationalize maybe some behavior of you or your boyfriend. And we're.

1:30:27 Drew By minimizing it.

1:30:27 Adam Not letting you get away with it by minimizing it.

1:30:30 Caller I would say don't do that.

1:30:32 Caller How, well, I mean, he hasn't done it for so long that, does that.

1:30:37 Adam All right, what's your question?

1:30:39 Caller Well, I wanna know, like is he gonna relax or is that.

1:30:44 Adam Well, he just went through a phase like everyone where he does a little coke, why should he relapse?

1:30:48 Drew Why would he qualify as a relapse? It was just a phase, it's over.

1:30:50 Adam It was a phase, and what do you relapse from? A couple of weekends, many years ago?

1:30:54 Caller Because I don't think he, I mean, he obviously sees it in the same light that I do.

1:30:58 Drew Well, here's the deal, is if he has a family history of alcoholism, if he's smoking pot every day, and he has periodic cocaine binges, that's full-blown addiction. Is that him?

1:31:09 Adam Well, when's the last time he did the coke?

1:31:15 Drew He may not be cocaine addicted yet. He's a cocaine binger, but the pot be addicted, alcohol may be addicted. And, yeah, so he's a marijuana, how did I magically know that? He's a marijuana addict with a family history of alcoholism, and he's starting to binge on cocaine, and that's, it's a progressive disease, and it's game on. You'll see what happens.

1:31:34 Caller Do you think he won't last long in this?

1:31:37 Drew Well, he'll switch over, he probably will switch over to speed, frankly.

1:31:39 Adam Well, here's the thing, too. You wouldn't be calling if he was, here's the thing. People call us all the time. They say they're not doing whatever they're doing. I can hear it in her voice, too.

1:31:53 Drew Susan's a mess. Susan, I treat people like your boyfriend all the time. And when he's ready, he'll be ready, and we'll, we can take care of it. It's a treatable condition. If he's not ready, that's the way it goes.

1:32:02 Caller Well, people have been freaking me out more than him, so.

1:32:06 Drew Who are?

1:32:07 Caller Telling me that he's going to relapse and all this stuff.

1:32:09 Drew He doesn't need to. He's using actively. He's a marijuana addict.

1:32:13 Caller Well, I do not really anymore. Well, yeah.

1:32:17 Drew Look, he's not going to try. You don't try not to do pot. He's smoking pot every day still.

1:32:20 Caller Were you with this dude for a long time before he started? Doing co-op.

1:32:24 Caller I've known him for like 60 years, probably.

1:32:26 Adam What's going on with you? You guys don't have any kids, do you?

1:32:29 Caller No, no.

1:32:30 Adam Sorry.

1:32:31 Caller Oh, thank you. Holy Christ.

1:32:33 Caller No.

1:32:35 Adam All right.

1:32:35 Drew Just pay attention to what's going on here. There's a disease in evolution and I hope you guys will get to it, taking care of it before you hit too big a bottom.

1:32:43 Adam Good luck, baby doll. We'll take a quick break. Be right back.

1:32:45 Caller Alright guys, here's the deal. Look in the hookup, call the Dateline. Stick a waist in time with the wrong person, call the Dateline.

1:32:51 Caller One call is all you need to make.

1:32:53 Caller Call the Dateline.

1:32:54 Caller 1-877-889-DATE.

1:32:58 Caller You know what I'm saying, I'm dead?

1:33:24 Adam Not only the show, but the week. I want to thank Of The Year for coming out here. A delight.

1:33:30 Caller Oh, thank you.

1:33:32 Caller Glad I could share all my knowledge.

1:33:33 Adam Page Avenue, name of the CD. Go on and get that. I want to thank Junior, Junior, Grouperface, Junior, Junior Producer, Lauren, for doing a great job all week. I want to thank, who's over there, Brian? Doing a great job on the phones. I want to thank Engineer Chris for doing a fantabulous job. Of course, the Magic Finger one, Engineer Anderson for doing a spectacular job. Producer Ann for booking, really, through the roof lately, Producer Ann with the top notch bookings on the show. And did I forget anyone, Drew?

1:34:13 Caller No, I didn't.

1:34:14 Adam So until next time, this Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying, Mahalo. Might you be gay? Is there any gayness in your anus?

1:34:25 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors or this station. The producer for Loveline is Annie Gold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Thursday, February 5, 2004