Episode 1000589428125

1:10 Adam Loveline with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LLVE-191. Dr. Drew, board-certified physician, addiction medicine specialist, and a dear, dear friend, Kevin Nealon, in here tonight.

1:21 Kevin Nealon Thank you for that, Browning.

1:22 Adam He's gonna be performing at the Abrea Improv, the original Improv. A lot of people don't know. A lot of people think just because a building was built 33 years later that it's not the original.

1:33 Drew The original car is moving to a new building.

1:35 Adam Yeah, yeah, I think just because one was built, you know, 1966, and the other one was built in, you know, 1998, that it's not the original.

1:44 Kevin Nealon It still has the original golden arches out front.

1:46 Adam Right.

1:47 Kevin Nealon That means it's original.

1:48 Adam It is the original Braille Improv. And that's where Kevin Nealon will be there on the 28th. Oh, 28th through the 31st. That is, it's this weekend, right? What's 31st? Is that Super Bowl? What's the Super Bowl? What day is it? Super Bowl Sunday. Is that the 31st?

2:07 Drew Yeah.

2:08 Adam And by the way, they can't keep it.

2:09 Drew Geez, Anis must be back. Somebody screams into my headphones.

2:11 Adam Yeah, Anis is great.

2:12 Drew No! Oh, nice voice, Anis.

2:17 Adam Voice cracking. All right. I'm going to lose some money on that Super Bowl. Here's the number. Yeah, who are you betting on? Well, I am the cooler.

2:26 Drew I know. I understand that.

2:27 Adam I'm William H.Macy's character. So yeah, I should let everyone know. Here's what I should start doing is I should have a VIG. It's like, listen, everybody, I'm going to take the Pats. So you guys take Carolina, but then I'm in for a taste. That's how I make my money for a taste.

2:46 Kevin Nealon Is that like gambling talk?

2:47 Adam Yeah. I need to wet my beak. That would be a great thing because I'm the only guy in the world I know who was lost after getting Blackjack playing the name called the name of the game is Blackjack. Black got a got a king and ace dealt to me and so did the dealer. So we played another hand and I lost.

3:07 Kevin Nealon You're like me. You probably picked the longest lines to get into the slowest moving lines, toll booths, you know, just just know it's going to be the wrong line.

3:15 Adam Right. No, no, I'm cursed. There's no no two ways about it.

3:20 Kevin Nealon But yet you're constantly working.

3:21 Adam Yeah, no, I'm I have a very maybe that's part of being cursed. Charmed curse.

3:26 Kevin Nealon Yeah, you have no free time now.

3:28 Drew No, no, it's just working late at night.

3:31 Adam No, here's the way I look at it with me. And maybe this is just a negative superstition, but everything I don't have control over, I get that I get corn hold on. We could sit here and flip a coin for a thousand years. I lose every time. If I could have some involvement with it, I could change.

3:49 Drew I'm the same way. I will.

3:50 Adam I'll make my own luck and everything will be fine. Yes.

3:52 Drew Yes.

3:52 Adam If I leave it up to somebody else, it goes the wrong way.

3:55 Drew Yeah, I'm the same way.

3:56 Kevin Nealon So you guys are both like control freaks then? No, because you want to take control of things.

4:00 Drew But if I don't, I know it's going to go sour.

4:02 Kevin Nealon See, I don't even have to be a therapist to know that. You guys like to have your ego, like to take control of the situation at all times.

4:08 Adam Well.

4:09 Kevin Nealon You know, you start getting pissed because you know it's not going to go right.

4:13 Drew Yeah. Yeah. If we were right, I'd gladly give it up.

4:16 Adam We curse ourselves. Yes. Yeah.

4:18 Kevin Nealon Yeah, I know your types. You're type C personality.

4:23 Adam What are the types, by the way, Drew?

4:25 Drew That's all.

4:25 Adam Type A is short for A-hole.

4:28 Drew Yeah.

4:28 Adam I don't like this.

4:29 Kevin Nealon Type A means it's good to eat there. It's very clean.

4:31 Drew Yeah. It's compulsive.

4:34 Adam What are you going to be doing at the Brea Improv?

4:36 Kevin Nealon Well, Adam, I'm glad you asked me that. Good. What I'm going to be doing is some stand-up comedy. It's something that I started doing before I was on Saturday Night Live. It's something I did during and something I continue to do, and it's where my livelihood is. I'm a very funny young man. Yep. And people seem to be happy when they come and see me, and they seem to be happy when they leave.

4:56 Drew I mean, Kevin still, to me, did my very favorite SNL skit, was with Harvey Keitel in the men's room.

5:02 Kevin Nealon My favorite one, too. That was bathroom attendance.

5:04 Drew So goddamn funny.

5:06 Kevin Nealon And you know, after I did that, Madonna was the singer on that week. We were all saying goodbyes, and she kind of came over to me and goes, you could be my bathroom attendant any time.

5:15 Adam Really?

5:15 Kevin Nealon Yeah. In that voice.

5:16 Adam You could have given it to Madonna?

5:19 Kevin Nealon Well, I could have been her bathroom attendant.

5:20 Drew You could have given her some toilet paper, some TP when she was having a poo.

5:23 Kevin Nealon Papers, cologne.

5:24 Adam Drew came in talking about that, but I don't know, they must have rerun it.

5:28 Drew Yeah, I've seen it many times.

5:29 Adam Recently, but go ahead.

5:30 Drew But Harvey Kartel is sitting on the can in one of these hotel bathrooms, basically. There's always this guy standing by the mirror with the chains in the dish. Well, this crapper had no walls in it. It was just one room. And so there's Kevin Nealon standing there right next to him, holding up, and handing him, offering him toilet paper.

5:50 Kevin Nealon It was just a small bathroom, like four feet by four feet, with a toilet and a sink.

5:55 Drew Imagine Harvey Kartel.

5:57 Kevin Nealon He couldn't stop laughing. He had to use a newspaper to hide him. You could see the thing shaking.

6:03 Adam How many?

6:04 Kevin Nealon And he really took a crap, too.

6:07 Drew I wish I'd been a little trivia. That's theater. They had to be in the theater. Appreciate that. Whether he did or not. He's still unloaded.

6:16 Adam Good point.

6:17 Kevin Nealon It was a honey bucket.

6:18 Drew He's a method actor, what do you expect?

6:21 Adam There must be more disease caused in those bathrooms that have the attendance because people don't want to wash their hands because they want to avoid the tip. You're asking people not to wash their hands.

6:33 Drew Or to run out.

6:34 Adam People like me and Drew, and I suspect Kevin as well.

6:36 Kevin Nealon Well, here's my theory on that. And I was thinking about that today as I came out of the bathroom at the airport. The amount of things that you have to touch. I mean, you're touching yourself, basically, when you go to the bathroom.

6:47 Drew These days, you don't touch anything. Everything is automated. You touch, maybe yourself. You touch your zipper.

6:53 Kevin Nealon They even have those toilets now that spray water up there.

6:56 Drew Well, he has that at home.

6:56 Kevin Nealon Do you really?

6:57 Adam I got the seat.

6:57 Kevin Nealon Heated seat? $5,000, right?

7:00 Adam No. No. It was a gift from Jimmy Kimmel and Daniel Kellison, one of the executive producers of The Man Show.

7:07 Drew We'll explain why it's such an important instrument for you.

7:10 Adam My ass is...

7:12 Kevin Nealon You got IBS, right?

7:14 Drew He's got fur. He doesn't have skin.

7:16 Adam I've got a fair amount of hair down there.

7:18 Kevin Nealon Does that go up your back, too?

7:20 Adam No.

7:21 Drew Well, halfway.

7:22 Kevin Nealon It just stops at your waistline.

7:24 Adam Yeah.

7:25 Kevin Nealon I've never seen that before.

7:26 Adam Well, you're going to see it tonight.

7:28 Drew Half man, half goat kind of thing.

7:29 Adam You'll be my bathroom attendant. I'll show it to you tonight. Look.

7:33 Kevin Nealon Do you ever shave it?

7:34 Adam Here's the point. It's been done. It's been done. No, it's not as bad as Drew makes it out to be.

7:40 Drew Well, the point is, swiping toilet paper through that is like using it to clean sharp carpet.

7:44 Adam How dare you?

7:45 Kevin Nealon So we go to the toilet seat.

7:46 Adam You have that because... A spritz of water up the Tokai is a very enjoyable endeavor. It feels good to get it. You know what's nice? I'll tell you what it's nice for. When you take a long shower, look at me, Kevin.

8:01 Kevin Nealon I'm telling you. I don't need to look at you. I listen to you on the car radio. I never look at you.

8:04 Adam I would do that thing with your hands.

8:05 Kevin Nealon I'm driving here. Here's the thing.

8:08 Adam You take a long shower and you realize once you step out of the shower, you got to go number two. Then you take the dump and you're feeling like, well, now I've only taken half a shower, but I'm just taking a duke. This is when the spraying toilet seat comes in. The problem with the spraying toilet seat is it really looks like something from a medical supply store. And anyone who sees it at your house, they make a comment. Usually this comment, it's sort of like, oh, did your grandmother stay with you? They see it, they see old ass. You see something with a hose and a keypad and that sort of weird flesh color and a hand rattling, and you're going, old ass, old ass. I took a whiz of my grandmother's sort of extendo toilet.

8:54 Drew With the big giant hole.

8:55 Adam Yeah, the funnel alone. And I'm sort of looking at it and I'm thinking, let's see, do I have to put the seat up? And then if I do, I'm still kind of whizzing on the funnel part. And then I'm thinking, oh, if that was my place, that funnel would be a disaster.

9:10 Drew Can you imagine that?

9:11 Adam Oh, I mean.

9:11 Drew The claw close.

9:12 Adam Yeah, you have to use like a pool cue to get it cleaned out like every day. Yeah.

9:16 Kevin Nealon Let me ask you something about your toilet. What is the flush capacity? How many gallons?

9:23 Adam I think 1.8 is whatever the...

9:25 Kevin Nealon Does it do the job? What are your stools like, first of all?

9:31 Adam They're...

9:32 Drew Healthy.

9:32 Adam They're assertive without being pushy.

9:34 Kevin Nealon Not solid?

9:35 Adam They have a nutty fruity bouquet. Yeah, here's the deal.

9:42 Kevin Nealon So, look, 1.8 will do it, Mr. Hankey.

9:44 Adam 1.8 will do it for me. I am a huge fan, everybody, of the courtesy flush. And a lot of people don't know this, but when you're in a public restroom especially, or when you're just in a place where you don't want anyone to know about it, you just basically as the duke is going, time the flush and get the first flush gets rid of everything.

10:06 Kevin Nealon The first wave, right.

10:07 Adam And the second one is just a little mop up.

10:08 Kevin Nealon Clean up.

10:09 Adam Yeah, that's nice.

10:10 Kevin Nealon It's the Harvey Keitel slot.

10:12 Adam Right.

10:12 Kevin Nealon Clean up. Well, I was just going to say that when you go to the bathroom in a public place, it's almost more germ-collective, friendly to use the sink and the faucets and open up the door.

10:30 Drew When you reach for the door at the end of the whole procedure, that's where all the germs are.

10:34 Kevin Nealon That's where the people that didn't wash their hands are opening it.

10:36 Drew Or whatever, with the flus and the whatever, and all they've touched is themselves, and now they're touching the door handles.

10:42 Kevin Nealon So unless you pee in yourself, I don't think you should touch anything in the bathroom.

10:45 Adam But pee is sterile. Yeah.

10:46 Drew Pee is completely sterile.

10:48 Kevin Nealon My pee is so dirty.

10:50 Adam It comes out, it's like Calcutta River water.

10:53 Kevin Nealon It's Calcutta. It's got like Styrofoam floating in it. It's the strangest. Candy wrappers.

10:59 Adam It's like all those school films from the 70s. Indians crying, smoke stacks billowing by the balls. It's a disaster.

11:08 Look at that foam.

11:09 Adam Once in a while, I do have a very foamy urination. I'm always sort of impressed by it and curious. Where does that come from?

11:17 Kevin Nealon That's from Guinness. You drink Guinness?

11:19 Adam Oh, will that do it?

11:20 Kevin Nealon I think so, yeah.

11:21 Adam I'm going to try.

11:22 Kevin Nealon My urine sometimes will be a little yellow in color. Is that bad?

11:25 Drew That's fine. It's a very important thing.

11:26 Adam It's a very important thing.

11:27 Kevin Nealon Yellow and clear sometimes.

11:29 Drew The bubbles are what concern me because that could be a sign of like a vesiculorectal fistula or something.

11:33 Adam I think it's more, I think it's more velocity.

11:36 Drew It could be.

11:37 Adam No, I think it's just more pure velocity.

11:39 Drew I see.

11:40 Adam And sometimes there's a little soap in the sink.

11:42 Drew Oh, time for commercial.

11:43 Adam All right, all right. All right, we got to take some calls.

11:46 Drew Take a call.

11:47 Adam Let me just say this really quickly, psychologically, I find it interesting about the bathroom attendant which is I it doesn't matter how much money I make, there's something about me that sees a guy wanting money and wants me to put my head down and walk past him very quickly. It's instinct. And it comes up never stronger than at the strip club where I will be sitting there for hours on end, you know, balling up 20s, making them into origami swans and gliders and trying to throw them in the asses of hookers and throwing them at my friends and buying like a $30 mini bottles of champagne, just dropped $866 in there, going to the bathroom. The poor Jamaican guy wants to give me a man. It's like $2 like a few, buddy.

12:33 Kevin Nealon Yeah, yeah. Sorry, buddy. But if you showed a little skin, you might give him some just a little ass crack.

12:38 Adam And I think we could do business. It's just funny that I've been balling up 20s and trying to throw them into cleavage for the last four hours. And this guy doesn't get 50 cents.

12:49 Drew No, you got to prioritize your humanist.

12:51 Adam Thank you. Thank you.

12:52 Drew humanitarian Amanda.

12:54 Yeah.

12:55 Adam You're 17. What's up?

12:59 Caller I had some questions about herpes.

13:02 Drew All right.

13:05 Caller If I don't have any sores and he goes down on me, like, can he get it like, you know, how sometimes you get around your mouth and stuff.

13:14 Drew So you know that you have herpes?

13:21 Adam What's that mean? Do you have it or not?

13:23 Drew Well, they can't tell you unless you actually have an outbreak. OK?

13:26 Adam They can't?

13:27 Drew No, it's really hard to tell. That's the predictive value of the blood test are really pretty bad.

13:31 Adam This is where my dogs come in.

13:33 Drew You're sniffing dogs. Your herpes.

13:35 Adam Dogs would not.

13:36 Kevin Nealon Can't they do like a swab or something?

13:38 Drew They can do swab, but you may not always be producing virus. The only really reliable way to do is if you see something that looks like herpes, you think it is, the swab it and that confirms it. So you go in there with everything clean and that's going to be kind of a difficult diagnosis to make. And yeah, if you do have it, whether or not you have an outbreak, somebody puts their penis or their mouth down there, yes, you can give it to him or her. And that's good?

13:59 Adam Yeah.

14:00 Drew Not necessarily. But there was a study that just came out a couple weeks ago that showed if you do think you have herpes or if you've confirmed you're having it and you take once a day antiviral medication, this particular study was done with Valtrex, you can substantially reduce the risk of transmitting it.

14:12 Adam I've seen the commercials, chicks kickboxing, kickboxing, a lot of training, a lot of kickboxing. No TV watching.

14:20 Drew Jim's not impressed.

14:21 Adam Oh, yeah, I'm just saying, you ever see those herpy medication commercials, those chicks taking control like karate chopping, kickboxing, working out, always running.

14:31 Kevin Nealon Yeah.

14:31 Adam They love running.

14:32 Kevin Nealon They're toughening up. They're overcoming.

14:34 Adam They're never blowing some shrine or who blew into town, it's like what you really should be doing is having sex with a strange guy, shouldn't you?

14:44 Drew To really show your empowerment.

14:46 Adam Yeah, it's like, hey, this medication works so good, I'm just going to randomly yank a guy out of the subway and F him on a park bench. That's how good this works. You know what I'm saying?

14:57 Drew They'll be turning women into men.

14:58 Adam Well, I'm just saying, instead of doing Tai Chi with Sting, maybe you should be having sex with your boyfriend, unprotected sex, like showing the condom still in the wrapper on the nightstand in the foreground while you're riding on top of it, you know what I mean? With confidence.

15:13 Kevin Nealon It's kind of like those commercials where they had the sanitary napkins where you could ride a horse, you could do all that stuff, you know? And they didn't even talk about the sanitary napkins.

15:20 Drew Adam, once again, when you're showing people, when you're showing the jack-off, the people having sex moves, you don't actually have to act it out for us.

15:28 Adam Yeah, I know.

15:28 Drew No, it's okay. I know your words are very descriptive. I get it. I get it. And the viewers can't see you humping the table here.

15:34 Adam But you know, like, if I started talking about pie, how you would start salivating, you start talking about... If I start talking about jack-off, my hand starts moving.

15:44 Drew I'm bare witness to it. As God is my witness, that's in fact what happens. Manny, 18.

15:49 Adam Manny.

15:49 Caller Yeah. Yeah, I had a question to Dr. Drew.

15:52 Drew Yeah.

15:53 Caller It's about cocaine. I was in Vegas, and I had a quarter ounce of cocaine, and I did a bunch. I did probably like a little less than half, but my heart started racing really fast, and my whole left side went numb. And I want to know why it did that.

16:07 Kevin Nealon That's good stuff.

16:09 Drew Did it stay numb for a long time?

16:11 Caller Yeah, I used it for a long time. I used it for a long time.

16:13 Drew No, how long did the left side numbness last? You die.

16:17 Caller It lasted about like four or five hours.

16:20 Drew Were you weak on that side also? Could you walk?

16:23 Caller No. Every time I stood up, my heart hurt. Under my pit hurt.

16:27 Drew Well, man, I do suggest you get a medical evaluation. Yeah, here's the deal with cocaine. Most likely to cause a seizure, likely to cause a stroke, likely to cause a heart attack. You may have had any combination of those things of what you're describing. The left-sided weakness usually is caused by a deficiency of blood supply to the right side of the brain in the probably motor and sensory area, which is what a stroke is. But for the grace of God, the blood supply returned in your case, and now you're okay. One, the reason you get a stroke is you have a big heart attack, a clot forms in the inner surface of the heart, and then migrates to the head. I mean, that might have been what happened. Migrate?

17:00 Kevin Nealon Are you saying that he should not continue to do cocaine?

17:03 Adam That's not what I heard.

17:04 Drew I haven't gotten that yet. But yeah, and the other thing is maybe deal with your addictive disease. But before that, I think we got to deal with the medical problems. Very common to damage the inner surface of the heart, the valve, and strokes and seizure, and intracranial bleeding, too.

17:17 Adam How much for a gram these days?

17:23 Caller For a gram? I don't know, really.

17:26 Drew You never bought anything so small. What are you talking about?

17:28 Caller A quarter ounce cost me 300 bucks.

17:30 Adam Quarter ounce, is that two eight balls? Is an eight ball an eighth ounce?

17:35 Caller Yeah.

17:36 Kevin Nealon Can you still get a lot of women if you have cocaine?

17:39 Adam I don't think, I don't know, I think it's too cheap.

17:41 Caller You can't because it doesn't get hard.

17:44 Adam Yeah, but.

17:45 Drew The peanut thing gets hard.

17:45 Adam Oh, I see. Now, you're telling me 300 bucks for a quarter, which is two eight, eight balls.

17:51 Caller Kind of.

17:52 Drew Kind of.

17:53 Caller All right.

17:54 Adam And it's like, it's like three and a half, three point eight grams per eight ball or something like that.

18:00 Caller I'm sorry, Adam.

18:01 Adam All right, buddy.

18:03 Caller I'm sorry, I had a second question.

18:05 Drew Yep.

18:05 Caller About nutmeg. I just heard it get too high. Is that true?

18:09 Drew Yeah, nutmeg would cause, a large dose of nutmeg will cause a hallucination.

18:13 Adam Not as good as the Coke, by the way.

18:14 Drew Morning Glory Seeds, there are other things, but all hallucinations, all substances that caused hallucinations as a result of the direct effect seem to have brain damaging properties through something we call excitotoxicity.

18:26 Adam You know what's nice? A little fresh nutmeg grated on some eggnog. Yeah. Really good.

18:31 Kevin Nealon Yeah.

18:32 Adam Underrated.

18:33 Drew No.

18:33 Adam Kids today don't know about it.

18:35 Kevin Nealon Nutmeg is good in everything. People don't know that.

18:37 Adam People don't know about nutmeg.

18:38 Kevin Nealon No.

18:38 Adam Nutmeg needs to get a publicist.

18:40 Drew It needs to go like at Starbucks by the chocolate or something. You know a little.

18:44 Adam Someone needs to do something with nutmeg.

18:46 Kevin Nealon Isn't there a nutmeg state?

18:49 Drew Vermont?

18:52 Adam It's Arizona.

18:53 Drew I'm looking it up.

18:54 Kevin Nealon Nutmeg state.

18:55 Adam Yeah. It's got to be somewhere cold. Find a nutmeg state.

18:58 Drew I think it's New England. It's New England.

19:00 Adam Somewhere in there. And let's get a board going like they did with eggs.

19:04 Drew Yeah. A big board or milk.

19:06 Adam Eggs.

19:06 Drew Nutmeg is something for everybody.

19:08 Adam It's a great campaign. The incredible edible eggs. Like really, you want to underline edible in your food, huh? That's a big selling point. Like edible. Now I'm getting nervous.

19:19 Drew Yeah, but you remember it. That's true.

19:22 Adam And then there were eggs. Give them a break.

19:24 Drew Like that.

19:25 Caller Yeah.

19:26 Adam I give it a six.

19:28 Caller All right.

19:28 Adam Let's talk to, can you, I got to get into Coke. I got to get into Coke.

19:33 Drew Right after the break. Right now it's at the collars.

19:35 Adam How cheap is Coke, by the way?

19:36 Drew It's down. Yeah, it's down. Well, it's got to compete with speed, which is pretty popular.

19:39 Adam When I was making seven bucks an hour, it was like 140 bucks a gram. Now I'm literally a millionaire and it's like 25 bucks a gram, which would in the equivalent be like 50 cents for me. I got to get into Coke.

19:52 Kevin Nealon They give it in gift bags now.

19:54 Drew Baskets.

19:55 Adam Yeah. Yeah.

19:56 Kevin Nealon Baskets.

19:56 Adam Grammys. It's all. That's why, that's why they call it the Grammys. Amy? You get a scooter and a Walkman and an eight ball. What's up, Amy? Yeah. No.

20:10 You guys are hilarious. Anyway. So, my question. Are you ready?

20:16 Drew Yeah.

20:16 Okay. Dr. Drew, I was wondering if, you know, there's got to be some kind of way for me to distinguish between this really high sex drive that I have. If it's normal, if it's, you know, I'm young, if it has anything to do with the fact that I have a child or if it doesn't have anything to do with that and I'm just not normal.

20:37 Drew All right. Hold on. Let's examine a little bit. Having the child would not be something that would be associated with this. In fact, usually after a child's sex drive kind of drops off a bit.

20:46 Adam But how old is the kid?

20:48 She'll be five in April, so she's almost…

20:50 Drew All right. So you got pregnant when you were 15, which suggests that you're…

20:54 Adam I said more of the lifestyle.

20:55 Drew Yeah. Very sexually active early. And so… Yeah. My thought process immediately goes to sexual addiction, sexual compulsivity, which means trauma in childhood. Yes. Were you sexually abused or physically abused in childhood? Then the other flip side of that is bipolar illness. Now, have you ever had manic depression in your family?

21:15 My sister is supposedly bipolar, but that's not been confirmed to me, so…

21:20 Drew Well, obviously somebody who knows what they're doing has given her that diagnosis. And that means it's in your family.

21:27 Adam It's always a subtle F-U when the family members don't buy whatever. She says she has Epstein-Barr virus, but I know counties no count. I like when the family doesn't buy your diagnosis, and they're right. You shouldn't.

21:40 Drew Well, bipolar though.

21:42 Adam It's just a good F-U.

21:43 Drew Well, if you're her and missing to it, it's nothing to do with whether she has it or not.

21:47 Well, that's not my problem anyway. My problem is…

21:50 Drew But Amy, hypersexuality is a sign of bipolar illness.

21:54 Really? But I mean, wouldn't I notice other side effects? Maybe.

21:58 Kevin Nealon Why can't somebody just be hypersexual?

22:01 Adam That's right.

22:02 Kevin Nealon Why does it have to be a sickness?

22:03 Well, it doesn't have to be, but when it creates problems, because I can't act on the urges, then it's kind of a frustrating way to connect.

22:12 Kevin Nealon Why can't you be hypersexual and have problems and not be a sickness?

22:17 Adam Do you have a husband?

22:18 No, I don't.

22:19 Adam You have a boy? Where's the guy who sired the kid?

22:24 He was three hours away.

22:26 Drew For instance, like the Samantha in Sextant City, that person does not exist in nature. That is an abuse survivor who is, I treat them all the time, and they're the most wretched creatures. They're miserable.

22:38 Adam It's too bad Kim Cattrall actually exists, too, if you really think about it. Hey, listen, Amy. I'm not sure why you were pregnant at 15 or 16.

22:50 Drew Where are your parents?

22:53 As far as the family goes, there's alcoholism, you know, people say depression is genetic. I'm not sure if that's a factor.

23:02 Drew What about the alcoholism? So who is alcoholic?

23:05 The mom and the dad.

23:07 Drew Were they around when you were growing up? Were they a part of your life?

23:10 Yeah, they were alive, and they were kind of around.

23:13 Drew Lakers calls them the mom and the dad.

23:14 You know, everybody's got a story to tell. Everybody's got some dysfunction. No, Amy.

23:21 Drew Not everybody, but what is yours?

23:23 Well, they're alcoholics.

23:25 Drew And were they abusive?

23:26 No, they weren't abusive to me. My mom was physically abusive to one of my sisters at one point.

23:31 Adam All right. Well, this is like...

23:33 Drew Were they violent to each other? Were they violent towards each other?

23:36 The parents?

23:38 Drew The parents, yes.

23:39 Adam Yes, the parents.

23:39 Kevin Nealon The alleged parents.

23:40 Adam Who have we been talking about for the last 20 minutes?

23:42 Yes, yes.

23:45 Kevin Nealon It wasn't 20 minutes. You're like a girl. You exaggerate.

23:49 Drew So, you were exposed to violence in the home. Your sister was physically abused.

23:53 Adam Hang on a second. Get some therapy before you have up your kids and break the cycle of white trash. Would you please?

23:57 Drew Let's just establish that there was, how old were you when you lost your virginity?

24:03 Adam Fourteen.

24:04 Drew And you had nothing, no sexual contact prior to that?

24:09 Kevin Nealon That was a long pause right there.

24:11 Adam Okay, hold on. Let me talk because I'm getting mad at Amy because Amy's angry and I always get angry when someone's angry. I just get, it brings it out to me. Amy.

24:19 Drew Really when they're abuse survivors you become abusive.

24:21 Adam Yes, because they bring it out to me. Your family's horrible, okay? Okay, fine. And that creates, you're angry at them, you're angry at men, you're angry at everybody, fine. You're going to screw your kid up royally. Forget focusing on the sexuality part, focus on the therapeutic part. You got to get yourself into some therapy and some counseling. Come from a horrible broken family with alcoholism. Get an Al-Anon.

24:42 Drew Al-Anon, are you an addict yourself? Okay, get some Al-Anon.

24:46 Adam Get an Al-Anon.

24:46 Drew Get a sponsor or get a therapist.

24:48 Adam Before you F your kid up anymore and they go off and have some horrible relationship.

24:52 You're telling me that because my family.

24:54 Adam Yes.

24:55 Drew No, we're telling you not to focus on the sex drive.

24:57 Adam Just go to Al-Anon and get up.

24:58 Drew We've unearthed a ton of other more serious material here.

25:01 Kevin Nealon Dr. Drew, let me ask you something. Some people say they're sex addicts and they go to these meetings and stuff. To me it just seems nobody's a sex addict.

25:10 Drew You know what I'm talking about.

25:12 Kevin Nealon Uh-uh. I mean why can't they have a healthy sex drive?

25:14 Adam That means we got one right here.

25:16 Kevin Nealon Why can't they just have a healthy sex drive?

25:17 Adam Yeah.

25:18 Drew It's not defined by what they do. It's defined by the consequences. They have to have life-altering impact on relationships, finances, legal, health, or work or school.

25:30 Adam Let me give you...

25:30 Drew If one of their lives is continually deteriorating because of the behavior and they can't stop, they're unable to stop.

25:38 Kevin Nealon Why do they blame it on the behavior and not their discipline?

25:40 Adam Let me give an example. You're on Saturday Night Live, you're riding hot, you got the world by the tail, but you can't lay off the prostitutes the way she wants. You know what I'm saying? Let's go into break with that in mind. Kevin Nealon here. The dear, dear friend, Kevin Nealon, going to be at The Brain Improv the 28th, 29th, 30th, and 31st. That's Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. 1-800-LOVE-191 Hey everybody, it's Loveline. That's Dr. True. Phone number 1-800-LAVE-191. Kevin Nealon is here tonight. Gonna be at the Brea Improv, January 28th through the 31st. That's a Wednesday.

26:40 Kevin Nealon I think it's, is it the 28th or the 29th?

26:42 Adam I don't know.

26:43 Kevin Nealon Something like that, the 28th or 29th.

26:45 Adam If this says 28th, then it's gotta be the 29th.

26:48 Kevin Nealon The Wednesday?

26:50 Adam Just check your local listings, but Brea Improv. Worst case scenario is you go down there a day earlier and you catch a, you catch a Geechie Guy.

27:00 Drew Head over to Disneyland.

27:03 Adam Yeah, swing by Knott's Berry Farm, crash for, on one of the rides, and then you go, go watch Kevin over there.

27:10 Drew Very funny guy.

27:12 Adam Very, listen, I went on a goddamn cruise ship and Geechie Guy was the, was the standup. And Geechie's, I don't know, just an old standup comedian, but he has an obsession with roller coasters. You name the state, he names the biggest roller coaster in that state.

27:30 Drew Really?

27:30 Adam And it's fine, but it's the equivalent of me doing a standup set where I talk about remote control model airplanes and construction for an hour and 10 minutes. It goes, hey, that's my thing. And you know, when you're out at scene, you're doing three shows a day and you got a bunch of old people and they've already paid you. It's kind of like, listen, aff it. I don't dance for anybody. Also, they had a, it was a horrible cruise. Me and Kimmel went on many years ago and they would do, it was like karaoke night. And one time we're like, oh, this is great. All right. So here's here, they would do the karaoke thing. You'd go sign up for songs. You'd go sit down and they'd go, is Jimmy Kimmel in the house? Jimmy Kimmel, come on up here, Jimmy. Raise your hand, you'd come running up there and the guy would lean over to you and he'd go, yeah, we don't have any Huey Lewis, sit down. And you'd go, you'd sit down, you know? But he'd call it like he was calling you up on stage. And after about the third time of them calling you up and then telling you they didn't have it in hand, telling you to sit down, you realize that's not the best way to run it, probably.

28:34 Kevin Nealon No, no, I was trying to Vegas once and I stopped at this old truck stop in the middle of nowhere. And it was, I guess it was a Chinese restaurant. And in the back they had a little TV and they were doing karaoke. And it was just like maybe one or two Chinese families back there just loving it and watching the TV and singing to it. In the middle of nowhere, there's maybe three diners in there. They do this all day.

28:57 Adam What's up, Drew, with the Asian culture?

29:00 Drew Did you see Lost in Translation yet?

29:02 Adam No, I have not seen it yet.

29:03 Drew We ask even more questions about what's up.

29:05 Adam Super demure, super quiet, lots of bowing, lots of reverence and then, Belping Out, Hell is for Children by Pat Benatar and Grinding Up Rhino Horn so They Can Aff a Virgin. Which is it? Which one are you, fellas? Pick one. I prefer the demure bowing one. That's my thing. Stay with it. They come out of the nutshell and they just go crazy.

29:30 Kevin Nealon They must have a lot of high suicide rate. You know, Harry Carrey.

29:35 Adam Yeah, I think so. No, no, they get a parking ticket. They fall on a knife over it.

29:39 Kevin Nealon Oh, yeah, yeah.

29:40 Adam They're very proud. They're proud. I wish we had more of that, by the way.

29:44 Kevin Nealon There's a lot of denial going on.

29:45 Drew Well, you just wish to the people that issued the parking tickets.

29:47 Adam I'd like them to fall on a knife. Yeah, or at least a chalk stick.

29:50 Drew Jason.

29:51 Caller Yeah, how's it going?

29:52 Adam What's happening?

29:53 Caller Hey, I just had a quick question about, I'm taking antidepressants called Prozac.

29:59 Drew Yeah, I've never heard of that one, but go ahead. Maybe, maybe.

30:03 Adam Look in your book.

30:04 Caller Yeah, it's new, I guess. No, but anyway, I haven't been able to get an erection.

30:10 Drew Yeah, that's Prozac. Are you taking more than 20 milligrams?

30:15 Caller 40? I think it might be 20 or 40, I'm not sure.

30:19 Drew You taking two pills or one?

30:21 Caller One.

30:23 Drew And you taking the once a week version of it or the once a day version?

30:25 Caller The once a day, yeah.

30:26 Drew All right. Well, Prozac is probably the most powerful at shutting down sex drive in terms of the common side effect that that whole class of medicine typically has. More often than not, it's not erectile dysfunction, it's just difficulty having an orgasm.

30:40 Kevin Nealon Is that for girls too?

30:41 Drew For girls, it's worse. Girls, women, they'll even describe that sex looks like weird, like, oh, why do people touch? It doesn't make sense. They'll describe themselves as having sort of a feeling of sexlessness. Men still retain their sexuality, but they just have trouble functioning.

30:55 Adam I think I have some Prozac in my semen then.

30:58 Kevin Nealon Can you get Prozac with like a mixture of Viagra in it?

31:02 Drew Well, we do use Viagra to correct the side effects for interesting. What's the other question, Jason?

31:08 Caller The other question was, is there going to be long-term effects with this?

31:12 Drew Not as far as your sex drive, no.

31:14 Caller I mean, like, is me getting an erection? Because I used it, seriously, I never had a problem with it before.

31:18 Drew Jason, the Prozac will definitely not leave you with a long-term problem with that. And now, good news is, not only do you have Viagra, you have Cialis and Levitra to choose from amongst. Levitra is rapid-acting, short-acting. Cialis is long-acting, lasts 72 hours. And then you've got your Viagra, lasts about four hours, so.

31:34 Adam Cialis, more the name of a sort of moderately priced Toyota than a...

31:39 Drew That or like a Slenterade or something. Doesn't it seem like it should be like a shellfish?

31:44 Adam It's not a... yeah. They have the pasta primavera with the Cialis. You want that pan-seared? We'll do a Cajun for you if you want to do a Cajun. Put on the side.

31:54 Kevin Nealon I like the term pan-seared. Pan-seared. Are there any long-term effects from Prozac in general?

32:03 Drew Well, that's interesting. We don't know for sure. It does not look like adults have any long-term effect other than if you are depressed, there's some evidence that it actually may turn genes on that reduce the risk of depression recurring. So it may actually change the chemistry of depressed brains in a positive direction. I heard a psychiatrist the other day expressing concerns at the fact that we're using all these SSRIs in young kids and adolescents, and he believed that that might be why we're seeing the increased incidence of bipolar illness. That for creating bipolarity or hypomania, there's sort of a critical period of exposure in the teens, late teens, early 20s, which if you induce these things, you get life-line, lifelong mood disorder along the lines of bipolarity. So there's that concern.

32:48 Adam Let me say this. I was thinking about kids today too. And I was thinking about all these studies of kids being obese and getting fat. And then I realized because I wore a pair of tight pants into work today, you know, for the fellas, a little something for the guys in the office. I'm not saying...

33:06 Kevin Nealon You got the Ugg boots going too?

33:07 Adam I'm not saying any of the guys... Into the Kimmel office today, here I wore the sweats, I wore some tight slacks in it. And I'm not saying any of the guys are gay, but they're sexual creatures and they can appreciate attractive men. They're working with a lot of guys. I spruce the place up. Look, if you got it, you flaunt it. But the point is, I wore some pants that were a little bit too tight and I realized, I walk around all day feeling... You wear tight pants, you feel fat. Because you're constantly feeling your gut hanging over the pants and then when you sit down it feels like they're going to bust.

33:36 Drew So your policy for America is wear tight clothes?

33:39 Adam Yes. Because here's the thing, I had like two bites off a sandwich and I was like, holy Christ, I'm a bum, your masks are crying. Look at you, you're disgusting, I was weeping. The point is this, what's the fashions that kids wear today? They're wearing those gut...

33:55 Drew Baggy. Oh, that's the problem.

33:57 Adam They're wearing the XXX t-shirts. The guys are wearing those like bad knee shorts down to the knees with their ass back hanging out. I'm taking it a step further. See, see, now wait, let me just say this. Now back in the day, back in the day, gentlemen, when we were running around kids had to wear like zeppelin jeans, shimenda fur. Dolphin shorts. That's right.

34:18 Drew You had to wear a pair of shimenda fur, a pair of gommo jeans.

34:22 Adam You had to wear a pair of tight disco jeans and like a halter top or a boob tube.

34:30 Drew Mind you, he's talking about the men.

34:33 Adam You had to wear stuff where if you gained two pounds, it immediately wrecked your look. Your gut would be slopping over the thing. It'd be a mess.

34:41 Drew Tie up in the frat and front jeans.

34:43 Adam Yeah, tie it in front and the back. You got the camel toe going up front.

34:47 Kevin Nealon But you know, it's easier now to lose weight because you just get your stomach stapled and that's it.

34:52 Adam I'm just saying, here's what I'm suggesting for the kids, instead of the triple X stuff, the super large stuff, the baggy stuff, superhero outfits, you understand that if you jumped into something with just one zipper in the front that was made out of like Nomex and it was like essentially unitard, nothing but a utility belt and some capesios, you gained six ounces, it'd be a big deal. You'd have to look yourself in the mirror every day before you left your house and you give yourself a name, by the way.

35:26 Kevin Nealon Fat Man. Then you wouldn't have to worry about it.

35:30 Drew One problem, one problem, and that is that there seems to be some denial slash distortion that young people have inherited these days. You see the bare mid-drives on the, you see a lot of that, like, what, huh?

35:43 Adam Yeah, you do.

35:44 Drew The force in the stuff.

35:46 Adam You do see a little of that, but I'm still convinced that if we had guys, especially piling into those unitards, stuffing the fat ass into the unitard, snapping on the utility belt or fanny pack, but you couldn't cover yourself up, holding shorts or something up over you, that if you, let's just talk about us. If you had to climb into that thing, by me, it'd be Kelly Green, it'd be shiny, it'd be blue with yellow. I mean, if you got hard nipples, it would immediately show, nothing can be hidden from this thing, right? Every day you got in that thing, you think you're going to pack on eight pounds without knowing it? No.

36:23 Kevin Nealon If I was going to be a superhero, I would call myself relaxed fit man. That way you could gain a few pounds, people wouldn't know it.

36:30 Adam Kevin Nealon, you kid a lot, but I know you believe what I'm saying. And this is why Jack Lillane was able to keep his shape well into his age. He's always worn that sleeveless, with the belt worked in, unitard thing, always looked fantastic in the stupid dance shoes, always looks great, never let himself go. Because of the outfit, because of the uniform. Let's think about that. And so when they start talking about school uniforms, start talking about school uniforms, this is the one, F, the tie and the slack, Star Trek, Star Trek. And that way if the kid got a boner, we'd know it immediately too.

37:04 Drew It's a life.

37:05 Adam Now when we get fat in these uniforms, they put big baggy, triple, come on. Kevin Nealon is in here tonight. He's going to be at the Braya Improv sometime later this week and then into the weekend, most likely.

37:18 Kevin Nealon I think it's Wednesday through Sunday.

37:20 Adam Wednesday through Sunday.

37:21 Kevin Nealon We'll take a quick break.

37:23 Adam We'll be right back.

37:26 Kevin Nealon We'll be right back.

37:42 Adam This is the Loveline of Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Kevin Nealon in here tonight, gonna be at the Brea Improv, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. He's gonna be there for the next 28 days. And he's not gonna leave. And he's gonna be doing one of those stunts where he doesn't leave the stage.

38:09 Drew He's a catheterized, he cramps the bucket.

38:13 Adam No, he's doing material, he's doing material.

38:15 Kevin Nealon Adam, do you do stand up?

38:16 Adam No.

38:16 Kevin Nealon You got a lot of good material, you should do stand up.

38:19 Adam I know, but I'm too, but thank, no, I mean, thanks.

38:22 Kevin Nealon Maybe I'll take, my brother thinks you're the funniest guy around.

38:24 Adam Well, he can take my material. What's he do?

38:27 Kevin Nealon Maybe I'll take your material.

38:28 Adam Well, it's not my material, it's just, I'm just talking.

38:31 Kevin Nealon No, the whole fat man thing, the superhero thing. I'm gonna run with that tomorrow.

38:34 Adam Take it. You can beat the break, watch Kevin doing warmed up Adam Carolla material, warm it over. Maybe he's gonna make it his own.

38:43 Drew Make it funny.

38:43 Kevin Nealon Thursday night will be Adam Corolla material delivered by Kevin Nealon.

38:46 Drew Made funny.

38:47 Adam Please.

38:48 Drew And entertaining.

38:49 Adam Here's the thing, without sounding modest, I don't think a guy in the superhero fat guy don't look at his material. I mean, we're just talking amongst friends.

39:00 Kevin Nealon Right.

39:00 Adam And then if you wanna use it, go have at it.

39:02 Kevin Nealon But this is where the most we try these radio shows where you sit and talk for a couple of hours. That's where a lot of material comes up.

39:08 Adam That's right.

39:08 Kevin Nealon You know, I try to come up with stuff at home with a newspaper and it's nothing.

39:11 Adam No, you gotta talk it out. But then we ruin it by not writing anything down ever.

39:15 Drew I was gonna say, if we were disciplined, you'd write some of this down. You'd have an encyclopedia of this stuff by now.

39:19 Adam I'd have some good comedy by now. All right.

39:22 Kevin Nealon Drew, what is it? Why do I breathe so heavily? You're 50.

39:25 Drew The sighing?

39:25 Adam Getting old.

39:27 Drew I wanna talk about children.

39:29 Adam Yeah.

39:30 Kevin Nealon You know, it's, I think it's anxiety.

39:32 Adam You're in good shape.

39:33 Kevin Nealon I am, but it's emotionally, it's anxiety.

39:35 Adam Yeah. Yeah. Kevin's tough. It's tough. It's tough life. It really is. But look at it this way. You haven't really had to work for like 20 years, right?

39:44 Kevin Nealon No, I haven't.

39:44 Drew Well, that's an almost been tough work. No? Really?

39:48 Kevin Nealon No, it was tough.

39:49 Adam It was hard, right? And doing the news had to be a- That's work.

39:54 Caller Yeah.

39:55 Kevin Nealon You know, the time I started doing the news, I was on the show for four years, five years, you know? But yeah, the thing is the first couple of years was hard because you put a lot of pressure on yourself to come up with something each week. You know, if you didn't, you'd kind of feel like you were kind of a loser, you know?

40:09 Caller Right.

40:09 Kevin Nealon But then after a while you thought, man, I'm not gonna last if I keep putting this much pressure on myself. So I just started pacing myself and you know, it became a very relaxing job.

40:18 Adam Really? Man, the news sort of hanging over your head each week, that sort of deadline.

40:25 Kevin Nealon Did you write the news yourself? That was, I participated a lot, Wednesday I get about four or five papers, I start on Wednesday. And then I would read those at the end of the day or during the day and try to come up with material. I tried everything, I'd get a glass of brandy.

40:39 Adam Sure, that's before the internet too really sort of. It's like you can't sit at a computer and have all these things fly at you.

40:47 Drew The other SNL alumni we've talked to always complained about, oh, it's so stressful and they're working hard and coming up with stuff and, no? No?

40:54 Kevin Nealon Well, yeah, I mean, that's as hard as you.

40:56 Drew I guess the untalented ones, we've only talked to untalented folks before.

40:58 Adam Yeah.

40:59 Kevin Nealon It's as hard as you make it, you know?

41:00 Adam He's not broken our streak by the way.

41:04 Kevin Nealon See, I'm telling you, then you should do stand up.

41:06 Adam He's a dear friend.

41:06 Kevin Nealon Funny stuff.

41:07 Adam Dear.

41:08 Kevin Nealon You know, it was hard, yeah, but it wasn't that hard. You know, of course, you know.

41:14 Adam I like when the actors get up there and go, you know, what people think we're courageous, people think our jobs are the guys who work hard or the firemen and the guys who go in every day and they support their friends. It's a way of kissing and being a blowhard simultaneously. It's a weird thing to kiss ass, to give praise and to be a blowhard. It's it's right up there with what keeps me grounded. Let me explain what keeps me grounded. Doesn't it make you an a-hole? You explaining what you need grounding.

41:45 Kevin Nealon And what is it with the award shows? You know, I could never understand that. I was never nominated for anything except an Emmy once, but there's something about getting something that's shiny. You know, like a trophy. The people, since you were a kid, you just, it makes you feel good, I guess. You know, it's a shiny thing you could put on your mantle piece.

42:04 Adam Even the BS participation trophy they give the kids for just showing up is still exciting for them, which they need to do away with. But that, everything except for the most improved. Most improved is a real slap in the nuts for a 13-year-old that's certified. Hey, you sucked, and now you don't suck quite as much. So here you go.

42:25 Kevin Nealon You worked hard, didn't come that far, but you improved a little bit. We'll give you a little star.

42:31 Adam Right, yeah, you went from blowing to sucking, essentially, in the course of about nine weeks. So here you go. Drew, ever get any trophies? Yeah. Give me-

42:41 Drew Most improved.

42:43 Adam Oh, really? I did get one of those, too.

42:45 Drew But I would go from totally sucking to like captain.

42:49 Adam Oh, really?

42:49 Drew Yeah, because I would see it as sort of a personal goal. I'd have to get good.

42:54 Adam We gotta take some calls, you know? I don't like to brag. But I've gotten, in my day, I've gotten a best all-around offensive and defensive player. I got the All Valley Trophy. You know best trophy I ever got? After a bowl game, the other team voting and giving the defensive player the game to me. That's right after the game. That's the best one. It was a cup and I used it for kicking tea later on and broke a cork. Yeah, very sad. But Kevin Nealon over here, we don't have time to talk about because it's not about me, but played college quarterback.

43:28 Drew Really? Where?

43:29 Kevin Nealon Fairfield University. Biggest MVP, nominated All-American. You want to start talking about trophies?

43:36 Adam Did you play?

43:38 Drew Fairfield, Connecticut?

43:39 Kevin Nealon Fairfield University.

43:40 Adam We talked about this, Kevin and I, once.

43:42 Kevin Nealon I took a night course, so I could play football.

43:44 Drew Wow.

43:45 Kevin Nealon At this college.

43:45 Adam You had to play quarterback, too.

43:46 Drew It's huge.

43:47 Kevin Nealon Well, the regular quarterback got hurt, so I slipped right in there.

43:50 Adam That's what happened. That's what Tom Brady started in the Super Bowl in a few days.

43:54 Kevin Nealon The difference between that is I hurt this quarterback.

44:01 Adam Kelly? You're, what are you, 16? What's going on?

44:06 Drew Hey, Kelly. Kelly, where's Brisbane?

44:10 Oh, it's right next to San Francisco.

44:12 Kevin Nealon It's in Australia, isn't it?

44:14 Drew That's what I thought.

44:15 Adam It's Brisbane.

44:16 Yeah, I lost my virginity a month ago and I've had an irregular period since and I've never had that before. Like, I had it for three days and then it stopped for 10 days and then I got it again.

44:28 Drew Uh-oh.

44:29 We got it for like eight days.

44:30 Adam Could you be pregnant?

44:31 Yeah, well, I told that to my mom and she said that that's what happened to her when she was pregnant with a miscarriage.

44:35 Drew Fantastic. Uh-huh.

44:36 It was like where-

44:37 Adam I wish I was there for that conversation.

44:39 Drew Must have been, yeah, like a hallmark commercial, yeah.

44:41 Yeah, it was where I got stuck in the fallopian tube, so I was wondering if that could possibly be what's happening to me right now.

44:48 Drew Yes, bleeding in the first trimester, the first three months of pregnancy, if there is pelvic pain, abdominal pain, should be considered a tubal pregnancy until proven otherwise.

44:58 Adam Plus, you know, family has a rich tradition.

45:01 Drew Of tubal dysfunction. Which is a heritable version of that, believe it or not.

45:04 Adam Really?

45:04 Drew Yeah. Here's the deal, you need to find out whether you're pregnant or not.

45:08 Well, I took an at-home test. But it turned up negative. And I was wondering if those turned up negative, like if I would show.

45:16 Drew Yes, if you had a tubal pregnancy, it would be positive.

45:19 Oh, okay.

45:20 Drew So you're not pregnant.

45:21 Adam Is that an ectopic pregnancy, is that what they call it?

45:23 Drew Yeah.

45:23 Kevin Nealon Can you take one of those at-home tests on the internet? Or is that something you gotta put inside of you?

45:28 Adam You gotta pee on the keyboard.

45:29 Kevin Nealon Oh, you do?

45:29 Adam Yeah. If you're willing to do that, they can do it.

45:32 Kevin Nealon Yeah.

45:32 Adam Hey, Kelly.

45:34 Uh-huh.

45:34 Adam Is your dad around?

45:36 No. Well, yeah, he lives with me. Well, I live with my grandma and I live with him.

45:39 Kevin Nealon Don't have him get on the phone.

45:40 Drew Where's your mom?

45:42 She's at home, but I'm at my grandma's right now.

45:45 Drew Why?

45:47 I live with my grandma half of the week and with my parents another half of the week.

45:51 Drew Why?

45:51 To go to a better high school.

45:56 Drew Finally, a legitimate reason to live with the grandma.

45:58 Adam All right.

45:59 Drew Better home school.

46:00 Adam Yeah. Hey, Kelly.

46:01 Uh-huh.

46:02 Adam All right, take care of yourself.

46:03 All right, thanks.

46:04 Drew You gotta use protection, right? Trojan condoms, got it?

46:06 Well, we did, but like, I don't remember the end of the night because I was really drunk.

46:11 Adam As long as you were juiced.

46:11 Drew And if you have alcoholism in your family, and you're having blackouts already, that can be a sign of the evolving disease of alcoholism.

46:19 Adam All right, when we come back. Just shush up, Drew. Don't worry about the break. Dan?

46:25 Yeah, hey, Adam and Drew. I called a few weeks ago. I'm bisexual. Right. But I'm meeting my girlfriend's parents this weekend, and their parents are extremely religious. And I am atheist. Don't believe in God. I can't stand him. Should I tell them?

46:42 Adam Hold on a second. I would argue if he doesn't exist, how can you decide him?

46:46 Drew Exactly.

46:47 Adam Okay, hold on a second, Dan. Dan's gonna make an ass of himself in front of his new potential parent walls.

46:54 Drew One way or another.

46:55 Adam Take quick, quick. Kevin Nealon here, gonna be the Bray Improv this week and this weekend, and we'll be right back after this.

47:05 Tons of lame people and no decent prospects.

47:08 Caller Call the Dateline, call the Dateline, call the Dateline. 1-877-889-DATE. Loveline will be right back, so get your problems ready.

47:44 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Kevin Nealon is here tonight.

47:52 Kevin Nealon Hey, everybody.

47:53 Adam Dear, dear friend, Kevin Nealon. You can also hear Kevin doing his work on Crank Yankers, by the way, which I don't plug enough.

48:01 Kevin Nealon That is a fun show.

48:02 Adam Comedy Central, 10 o'clock Tuesday nights, I do believe. And, yes, Drew.

48:07 Drew I was just watching one that Sarah did the other night, and she just keeps going.

48:11 Adam Yeah, which one, Hadassah Gooberman?

48:13 Drew She was talking to the perfume counter at a Macy's or something, and somebody sprayed some of his vagina.

48:21 Adam Yes, she likes that vagina part. That's her favorite part, Sarah Silverman.

48:25 Drew She keeps going. She doesn't stop.

48:26 Adam Very funny, and dear, dear friend, by the way.

48:29 Kevin Nealon If you call her on the phone, her answering machine answers, it's always, she says something about that. About her private parts.

48:35 Adam Really?

48:36 Kevin Nealon Yeah.

48:37 Adam Yeah, I have a hilarious outgoing message myself, Drew. Drew knows it well.

48:43 Drew You got Anderson there?

48:44 Adam Yeah, Anderson. And I change it about every...

48:46 Drew You never changed it.

48:48 Adam Well, it's been eight years.

48:49 Drew Yeah, that's my point.

48:50 Adam I could change it.

48:51 Drew Where is it, Anderson?

48:53 Caller There it is.

48:58 Drew Same one.

49:01 Adam Yeah, I feel like an asshole laughing at my own material, but if it's funny, it's funny.

49:06 Kevin Nealon But that's a good one. Some people make you sit through like, you know, three minutes of, you know, that what they think is funny, and it's the only time to like perform.

49:14 Adam Here's the ones I get pissed at. I get pissed at the one where you're calling the guy. The guy has his wife leave the outgoing message and says, we're not home, and leaves no names.

49:29 Drew Yeah, yeah.

49:29 Adam So it's very unclear as to whether now-

49:34 Drew Is he getting the message? Is she gonna scream it out?

49:36 Kevin Nealon Is that the right number?

49:37 Adam Gary Delabatti, Howard Stern's producer, does that thing where his wife says, hi, we're not home. And you hang up. Now, if you haven't called him before, you hang up. And then you call back and you hear it again as if hearing the woman again is gonna get you any closer to the truth. But then it's weird because you're thinking, they didn't say me and Gary aren't home. It's just we're not home. It's a female voice. It's not the person's voice you called for. And you have no idea. And I understand why people do it. They want a certain, here's the part that's tough. Here's what I'm saying. Yes, here's what I want to say. You can't be sort of secretive and try to get yourself out there at the same time. Like you know when you call people and you go, I'm not sure, do I have the right number? Is this, is this, is this, what number is this? They go, what number did you call?

50:21 Kevin Nealon It's like, you know, listen jackass.

50:23 Adam I could hang up and call you back right now for once a minute for the rest of your life before you killed yourself. Don't f with me. It's sort of like, I'm gonna get an answering machine, I'm gonna say we're not home, but I'm not gonna say our name because that's gonna push it too far. Just listen everyone, put your goddamn name on the thing so we know who you are.

50:41 Kevin Nealon The worst is when somebody leaves a message on your, that you don't know, you know, like a telemarketer.

50:46 Adam Yes.

50:46 Kevin Nealon You know, I got one of those once, I came back and this guy says, hey Mike Reese, I got some good news for you. Oh, why don't you call? So I said, I'm gonna call this guy. I'm gonna really lay into him, you know, never to leave a message. So I call him up and, you know, some woman answered. I said, I'm calling for Mike Reese. I could take a call, you know, I said, no, no. Mike Reese called me, he said to call him back. He left me his phone number. Okay, well, Mike is away from his desk right now. Well, okay, when can I call him back? When's a good time? Well, he's not coming back to his desk. What do you mean he's not coming? Where can I reach him? Well, you can't reach him. I said, no, no, I gotta reach him. He said, he's got some good news for me. I could use some good news right about now. And then finally I got fed up and said, don't ever call my machine again or fax me stuff.

51:30 Drew Wow, I like that.

51:31 Kevin Nealon Yeah, yeah, I really got laid into it.

51:33 Drew Good, you got it.

51:34 Kevin Nealon Yeah, here's how I lay into somebody because I hate confrontation. I'll start off like, hey, when you got a chance, can I talk to you? I got a little bone to pick with you. That's it, man. And then I settle down a little bit.

51:46 Adam All right, you ready to go back phones? Oh, let me just say this about this week. We got the girls of the lingerie bowl in here tomorrow night. So I look forward to some very, some insights into life. There's going to be some doors opening up to people.

52:07 Drew The lingerie bowl is a philosophical society, a debate society.

52:13 Adam It's a very serious competitive game that is played in bra and panties.

52:17 Kevin Nealon Where is this?

52:17 Adam Halftime of the football game. I guess they're playing at the LA Coliseum. Who knows? It's going on, it's like a pay-per-view that's going on in the...

52:26 Drew Ron Jeremy must be involved.

52:28 Adam No. Halfway, halftime of the Super Bowl. But, the other, now speaking of the Super Bowl, and things are a little bit up in the air, but Jeff Probst was going to come in here tomorrow night.

52:39 Drew Thursday night.

52:40 Adam Sorry, Thursday night from Survivor. I love that show. Evidently, he's a fan of this show, and I'm going to the Super Bowl Thursday with the Kimmel Show, and David Alan Greer, Dag, or my main man, as I know him, is going to sit in for me.

52:57 Drew Oh, he is?

52:59 Adam He left a angry message on my home machine, but saying he would, but he wanted to make sure you were here. He's a real diva, that guy, by the way. I don't know if you know this or not about him. I always think he's kidding, but it really, it turns out he is a diva. So, the thing about it is he wanted to make sure you were here. He's like, is Dr. Drew going to be there? Is Dr. Drew going to be out there? He doesn't want to get stuck with anyone. So, he's got it bad for you, Drew.

53:25 Drew No, I like Dave, he's great. He's a great guy. Yeah, dear friend.

53:29 Adam But a serious diva. So, and talk about emotional issues.

53:33 Drew You know what? When you're not here.

53:34 Adam Nealon is quietly crazy, but David Allen Grier said.

53:37 Drew Nealon is not crazy. If you're talking about Doug, Nealon does not register on the crazy scale.

53:41 Adam Okay, you're good.

53:42 Kevin Nealon I'm one of these guys that'll just explode one day and just be about a hole like mom.

53:46 Adam And no one will be surprised.

53:47 Drew No, I'm scared. But Doug, when you're not here, much better, much better behaves.

53:53 Adam Well, good.

53:53 Drew Yeah, a whole different guy.

53:55 Adam Said he was on, just wanted to make sure he was here.

53:57 Drew Did you tell Ian? Lauren?

53:59 Adam I just called, no, we'll get into them. I just, I called him back, left a message, so.

54:03 Drew That's cool.

54:04 Adam Fine, so we're good. All right, and then Greg Probst. Sorry, Jeff Probst. Greg Probst is a comedian, always drives me nuts. Jeff, I think we're gonna reschedule because he wants to come in when I'm in.

54:17 Drew Oh, so he's not gonna come in, I'll just meet me in DAG.

54:19 Adam I think it'll be just you and DAG.

54:20 Drew That's fine.

54:20 Adam Good enough, all right. You're gonna need some guy with a chiseled features and a choker getting in the middle of your jag with DAG, right?

54:29 Kevin Nealon Jag with DAG.

54:29 Adam It'd be a good show. Dan?

54:32 Yeah, and I was wondering if, at the end of the question, if I could battle Anderson in sound effects, I extract sound effects from movies and I could probably beat him.

54:43 Adam All right, I don't know how you declare winner in sound effects, but...

54:47 Drew What's the question? You hate God.

54:51 Adam Oh, yes, yes, that's right. Dan is 18. He's bi.

54:55 Yeah. And my girlfriend's black. She's not from this country. I'm gonna meet her parents on Saturday this weekend.

55:04 Kevin Nealon There are some blacks from this country though, aren't there?

55:06 Yeah, I know that, but she's foreign and her parents are Muslim. And if it ever came up to believing in God, what should I just say? I believe in God just for the fact or just?

55:18 Drew Well, in a way you're almost more accessible being atheistic than being part of the evil empire, right?

55:28 Adam Yeah, that's true.

55:29 Drew At least at least is the possibility of just bringing you on board as opposed to talking you out of something.

55:33 But they would rather have me be Christian than be atheist. They'd rather see, they'd be-

55:38 Drew You don't know that's true.

55:40 Adam Hey, listen, Dan, here's the whole thing. You're F'd up and you're angry.

55:45 Caller Kind of, yeah. Well, my dad was mainly part of it.

55:47 Drew I remember you talking about his dad last time he called. Yeah, and he was busy. He wanted to tell his dad about his bisexuality.

55:53 Caller No, I wanted to tell my mom. I didn't know if I should tell my mom or not. And I wanted to know if I was bisexual because of the pornography he had.

56:01 Adam Right, well, here's the thing. Here's the thing. And let's not blame porn. Such an easy scapegoat, my beloved porn. You know what I mean?

56:10 Drew We can blame it.

56:11 Adam Many things fall in the porn's lap that, I don't have to tell you what can fall in the porn's lap that it doesn't deserve. Let's not give it a bad rap. Hey, give porn a break. Or incredible edible porn. I gotta work that out. The point is, is you're angry, so you're gonna get yourself in the situations that...

56:30 Drew Allow them to act that out.

56:31 Adam Yeah, you get confrontational. You wanna fly under, this is by the way, and we'll get back to Dan in a second, but these are the a-holes who get in the bar fight every other week, and every time it's the same thing. Yeah, one in there, mind my own business, I'm looking down, I'm not bothering anybody, and some a-hole calls me a sea sucker, and next thing you know, we gotta throw down. But why it's the same guy, and how come everyone else naturally goes to 26 years in between physical confrontations and you don't go eight hours? Right. What are you looking for? But it's never them. I'm not looking for trouble, yet you find it. So you find whatever you're looking for. Dan, if I went over to their house, they wouldn't know I was an atheist. If Dan goes over to the house, they're gonna know about it.

57:12 Drew Well here's one of the things he can do by creating chaos in this relationship is continue on the bye-bye route.

57:20 Adam Yes.

57:20 Drew And bye-bye to the girlfriend.

57:22 Caller Right. Yeah, well my girlfriend knows that I'm bi and she has no problem with that. But I can have it.

57:27 Drew Yeah, but I'm just saying that you can sort of create your own future by sabotaging this relationship. And look back and go, oh, chicks, that never works out, I can never have that. Now I'm gonna stick with guys.

57:36 Caller Well, I've had a steady relationship right now and I've never done drugs, I've never gotten to fight. My father was kind of violent, but I've managed to stay away from the drugs and the fighting from the get-go because my mom pretty much told me that it won't happen in the household as in I want to live there.

57:55 Adam Damn.

57:55 Caller Yeah.

57:56 Adam Let's get to the sound effect.

57:57 Caller Yeah, okay, I got it all lined up and you ready to go?

58:00 You know what, though, I'm not feeling anything like this.

58:02 Caller I don't even know where I am right now, guys.

58:06 Caller Oh, ready?

58:07 Kevin Nealon No, no, relax, dude, damn.

58:10 Adam Hold on, Dan, Anderson has full-blown AIDS.

58:13 Caller I have full-blown HIV.

58:15 Adam That's what I heard. I know we're not supposed to talk about it, but what do you have there for me to have?

58:21 Caller I've been at camp all weekend and it's been a tough, tough weekend and I'm very tired.

58:25 Drew You've been sick or you've been tired?

58:27 Kevin Nealon I'm like three hours asleep the last five nights. What kind of camp?

58:30 Adam Rape.

58:31 Drew He goes to a cancer. It's camp Good Times, Camp Ronald McDonald for good times, kids with cancer.

58:36 Adam Takes the kids in, takes care of them.

58:39 Kevin Nealon It's good times, it's good times, Adam.

58:41 Caller My name is Ace there, it's very strange and I think about you and that makes me sick.

58:44 Adam Make some lanyards. All right, but listen, listen, you know this Dan, he's nothing, Dan.

58:50 Caller All right, work me up, man.

58:53 Kevin Nealon He's doing it on his own, he's such a geek.

58:55 Adam Dan, what do you got for us?

58:57 Caller Oh, I got an elephant, I got a bug's bunny, I got a godfather.

59:01 Adam All right, I'll tell you what, Dan.

59:03 Caller Yeah.

59:03 Drew I'll do what you're best.

59:03 Adam Dan, I'll tell you what we'll do. Anyone who listens to this show with any regularity knows that engineer Anderson is a wizard at sliding in.

59:12 Caller Well, I got them all lined up.

59:14 Adam Quiet down, Jack, off a very apropos sound effect just when the time is right.

59:20 Kevin Nealon I can't wait to hear from her.

59:24 Adam I know, I hope I have a kid, I hope I have a boy so I can call him Jack off. This girl's gonna be, you shut up little Jackalina.

59:31 Kevin Nealon Oh Christ, that didn't work.

59:32 Adam All right, so, Dan, we're gonna take another call. Anderson, you just hang back. We're gonna take another call and Dan can slide in his apropos sound effects, yes? All right, Anderson, who do you want to talk to?

59:48 Caller Let me push it up though, because she goes a little high.

59:50 Adam All right, go ahead, go ahead. Michelle, line four, ovarian cancer.

59:54 Drew Michelle.

59:55 Caller Hi, hi, I just want to say I saw you guys at Stanford, I think for the last week, and I really liked that. You guys did a great job. I'm a long-term listener, and the question is actually about ovarian cancer. My aunt has had ovarian cancer, I think for like a year and a half.

1:00:15 Caller Uh-huh.

1:00:17 Adam Dan. I'll be back. I'm sorry, I know it's very tragic.

1:00:38 Kevin Nealon See, now that sounds like that was me doing it.

1:00:39 Caller That wasn't me.

1:00:41 Adam You didn't do the shut up? I did the shut up.

1:00:44 Kevin Nealon I don't need to hear Dan yet. Who is the shut up guy? That's your boy Adam Sandero?

1:00:49 Adam Hey Dan, we're going to need you to chime in with your sound effects. Now Anderson, as tempting as it may be, you've got to hang back so that we know everything is coming from Dan.

1:01:03 Drew Let's let Dan do the next one. Why don't we not do the ovarian cancer?

1:01:06 Kevin Nealon Why don't we do like mad on sex?

1:01:08 Drew How about you let me answer Michelle and then we'll do mad, okay?

1:01:11 Adam Okay, if you kill Joyce, we don't think cancer's running.

1:01:14 Drew What is your question about it, Michelle?

1:01:16 Caller Well, my aunt has had ovarian cancer for about a year and a half and it's gotten pretty bad.

1:01:21 Drew Right, well, what's your question?

1:01:23 Caller I was just wondering, nobody in my family has had that before. I was wondering, you know, is it possible for, you know, that just to be a random thing or is it...

1:01:34 Drew Yes, it is certainly, of course, all cancers can be random.

1:01:37 Caller It's not like I have a higher chance of getting it now.

1:01:40 Drew Well, certain ovarian, there are certain groups that may have a slightly higher risk of ovarian breast and possibly even colon cancer. There's a couple of genes, the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes, that are rather prevalent in Ashkenazi Jews that may increase your risk of colon, breast or ovarian cancer.

1:01:59 Adam What's an Ashkenazi Jew?

1:02:00 Drew It's the other, not a Sephardic Jew.

1:02:03 Adam Oh, really?

1:02:03 Kevin Nealon Have you ever been out with a girl who's got BRAC2?

1:02:08 Adam I enjoyed some of their programming when I was...

1:02:11 Drew Are you a Jew or a descent, Michelle?

1:02:13 Caller No, I'm not Jewish, but my family is Polish. My aunt actually...

1:02:17 Drew You can get tested for this gene if you want to. Genetic testing is available. Just to see what your risks are. Ovarian cancer is a relatively common cancer. It is random in most cases. A limited percent, 10% or so, may be this genetically linked phenomenon. It's, by the way, a very highly treatable cancer.

1:02:38 Caller I have another quick question about something. Have you heard of anything called paraneoplastic syndrome?

1:02:45 Drew Yep. I see it all the time.

1:02:47 Caller That's what they're telling us that she has.

1:02:49 Drew Does she got arthritis or something, or rashes or something?

1:02:52 Caller It's like, I think, they thought maybe it was connected to the cancer, but it's like, you know, she's got weakness in her limbs and her nervous system.

1:02:59 Drew Right. So her nervous system, what they get is an attack, their immune system attacks other parts of the system. Paraneoplastic just means alongside of the cancer. And so the cancer is overloading her system and her immune system starts going crazy and attacking her nerves, attacking her joints, attacking your skin. And in this case, it sounds like it's attacking the muscles and nerves.

1:03:17 Kevin Nealon Life is great, isn't it?

1:03:18 Adam Hey, that's why you gotta have kids. Michelle? Mm-hmm? It's good of you to look after your aunt this way, by the way, and be this concerned.

1:03:29 Drew Here's the other variant of cancer. Keep at it. You can many times get a cure. Just keep slugging.

1:03:35 Adam All right. Let's get Dan back involved with who's our next call gonna be.

1:03:41 Drew Five and six.

1:03:41 Adam Five and six? All right. And again, Dan, you got to make with the sound effects, please. All right. But, Matt, again, you got to slide them in where it's apropos.

1:03:58 Appropriate.

1:03:58 Adam Yeah, appropriate. Matt. What's the problem, Matt?

1:04:03 Oh, hey, Adam.

1:04:04 Adam Hey.

1:04:05 I want to tell you firstly that Adam, you're God.

1:04:07 Kevin Nealon Thank you.

1:04:09 Adam That's good. It's true.

1:04:11 Drew's a passionate, passionate man.

1:04:12 Adam Yes, he is.

1:04:13 And just to Mr. Subliminal over there, I appreciate everything you've done. Actually, my ex-girlfriend called last night. I'm the Jew that blows the shofar when he's getting oral. You guys remember that?

1:04:24 Drew Yes, I remember.

1:04:25 Adam Yeah, I was explaining that you should be blowing the shofar.

1:04:28 Drew We've got to play for Kevin. Excuse me a second, Matt. The subliminal message lady we did with Tom Arnold here, the Holocaust lady. We were calling upon your skills, Kevin.

1:04:43 Adam Yeah.

1:04:43 Drew It was very funny.

1:04:45 Kevin Nealon We just got Canada back.

1:04:48 Caller Oh, yeah.

1:04:50 Adam Canada canceled us because we played that.

1:04:53 Drew I'll describe it.

1:04:54 Adam F Canada will play that. Yeah, we lose state every once in a while. We lost Hawaii recently and we lose a country every once in a while, too.

1:05:04 Caller Here's the deal. I don't want to play it, but if Dan's got it, feel free, Dan. Go ahead.

1:05:10 Drew Do you have it?

1:05:11 Caller Yeah, it's all right. He's all lined up, but it's going to go in a row. So it's going to be about 50 seconds.

1:05:15 Adam No, no, no.

1:05:16 Drew No, Dan.

1:05:17 Caller Dan.

1:05:17 Adam Dan. Hold on a second. Yeah. Anderson.

1:05:22 Caller Or I can play normal.

1:05:24 Adam What? Anderson, you need to play the Holocaust thing. You don't need to play the second. Just we'll deal with Matt over here for a second and then then we'll play it.

1:05:36 Caller Matt. Yes.

1:05:37 OK, the reason I'm calling is because my ejaculate tends to be on the clearer side and not the whiter side like I've seen in my forms of people who call me and stuff. And I wanted to have to do a sperm count.

1:05:48 Adam No, the porn, it's all liquid paper and porn anyway. I found out.

1:05:54 But I've had like ex-girlfriend told me like other people's are whiter.

1:05:58 Drew Yes, some people are clearer, some people are chunky, some people are thick, some people are thin, some people are clear. It has nothing to do that I'm aware of with sperm count. I'll tell you what it does sometime. Maybe in this way it could correlate that the clearer or thinner tends to be more associated with frequent clearing of the pipes. And to the extent that you may not give yourself a chance to build a good sperm count if you're jacking off four times a day, that may be associated with sperm count.

1:06:23 Kevin Nealon What about liquid paper? Can that be clear or chunky or milky?

1:06:26 Drew I think they have orange and white.

1:06:28 Kevin Nealon Oh, they have different colors.

1:06:29 Adam Peach.

1:06:29 Kevin Nealon Interesting.

1:06:30 Adam Yeah. I can't believe, by the way, I whipped out some liquid paper and actually used it the other day and I thought, oh, really, I'm still using this stuff. What year is this?

1:06:40 Kevin Nealon Were you with a girl?

1:06:41 Adam Yeah, I couldn't quite finish my initials. That's my thing. That's my bag. You call me the decorator.

1:06:49 Drew You're carrying a card. You're a calling card.

1:06:52 Adam That's my calling card. I was thinking of my calling card actually being my calling card, like, as a murder, my calling card would be to leave a calling card. It'd be confusing to the police because like, what's this calling card? They'd never believe it. It's his calling card. It'd be like a who's on first kind of thing. I know. What is it? It's his calling card. I know. What does he do? Slash his initials? No, no. It's a calling card. All right. All right. Now, I don't feel like hearing that stupid holocaust call, but do you want to hear that? No. All right. Here's what happened. See, because it's bad to bring stuff up and then-

1:07:29 Drew It just was talent. It's a funny story.

1:07:32 Adam I'll do it as quickly as I can. And this is the legendary subliminal man that Kevin Nealon developed. I don't know if you developed that on Saturday Night Live, for Saturday Night Live, or you had that before in your bag of goods?

1:07:45 Kevin Nealon That was... I picked that up from a guy named Ed Peck, who was a character actor in Hollywood when he first came out here. He used to do shows like The Vernon Shirley and those kind of things. He had a really deep voice. He'd talk like that. He'd do a thing called tagging, where he'd be talking to a waitress and he'd fit in these little profanities here and there. She wouldn't know it, but he'd tell me he was going to do it. I'll tell you what, sweetheart, I think I'll have the french fries, bitch. And Ange also gave me the hammocker whore, and I don't think I'll take any ketchup with that.

1:08:20 Adam So that was the impetus for Subliminal Man. She was a phone sex operator, called the show, and her thing was the guys were getting off too fast and she wasn't making any money. And I said, quite honestly, the problem with you phone sex operators is you do a little too good a job, meaning the people call in and they go, what do you look like? Meanwhile, it's a fat broad who's got her baby on her knee and she's ironing her old man's long johns. But she's like, I'm 6'2, I'm blonde.

1:08:57 Kevin Nealon Or it's an old man in his long johns.

1:08:59 Adam And he's saying I'm 6'2, and I'm blonde, and I'm 34DD, and I'm, you know, and I'm getting a whole thing. And the guy's like, you know. Here's what these women should be saying. They should be saying, look, look, I ain't no prize. I'm not a Victoria's Secret model, otherwise I wouldn't be doing phone sex for them. But I'm a good, solid seven, and because of low self-esteem, I got into this business and I'll tell you, I can beat a guy off street style. I can suck a golf ball through a beaker. I mean, through a piece of Bunsen burner hose. I mean, I'm amazing. You know, that would get me off. That I could buy. It's this super fantasy stuff. But anyway, guys getting off too fast. So I said, look, once you subliminally work in some negative stuff to stop them in their masturbation. So so you go like, oh, baby, you are so hot cancer. And right. Right. And so so at a certain point I said, you know, so it was like, I am so wet Holocaust that. And so she didn't she didn't know what subliminal was.

1:10:15 Drew So we had to explain that.

1:10:17 Adam And she didn't know what the Holocaust was.

1:10:19 Drew We actually had was Adam was working the Holocaust. She's like, yeah, but we're like Holocaust. She's like, no, yeah.

1:10:26 Adam So so I said, look, let's do it. I said, look, just work in the Holocaust.

1:10:31 Drew You explain what the Holocaust was. It was a horrible, tragic, awful experience. We want you to work into this conversation.

1:10:38 Adam Work it in and do it subliminally.

1:10:40 Drew By the way, the subliminal message the Canadians missed. Right.

1:10:43 Adam Canadians got pissed out when we did this.

1:10:44 Kevin Nealon But anyway, the point is, why did the Canadians get pissed out?

1:10:47 Adam Because they were making the light of the Holocaust, and probably they secretly feel bad for not making as big a contribution toward World War II as maybe they could have.

1:10:57 Drew We were pointing out these, we were trying to think of the most horrible thing we could think of when the Holocaust came to mind.

1:11:02 Adam They got a puck on their shoulder.

1:11:03 Kevin Nealon All right, let's just play it for God's sakes. It's too late. We've been talking about it for five minutes and it feels like censorship at this point.

1:11:11 Adam I've already explained it though.

1:11:12 Drew That wasn't funny though.

1:11:15 Kevin Nealon You know, it's like when...

1:11:16 Adam Hey Anderson. Shut up.

1:11:19 Drew That's finished.

1:11:21 Adam Bring.

1:11:22 Caller Hi, how you doing?

1:11:24 Adam What's your name? I'm Ace. What are you wearing?

1:11:31 Caller Well, I'm wearing a nice black garter.

1:11:33 Caller Just thinking about the Holocaust right now.

1:11:40 Drew That was her attempt to work in a subliminal message about something which she clearly didn't understand.

1:11:45 Adam And I'm not thinking about the Holocaust. Oh boy.

1:11:49 Kevin Nealon Yeah, you gotta hear the setup.

1:11:51 Adam Little girls. All right. Kevin Nealon is here tonight. He's gonna be the big fan, by the way, of engineer Anderson. I love his work. Gonna be at the Brea Improv. Anderson may go down there and catch him, by the way, because he has been known to take it on the road and catch an actor, too, at the Brea Improv. Yes?

1:12:11 Drew Yeah, he's there Wednesday through Saturday.

1:12:13 Adam You're gonna go see him?

1:12:15 Drew I'll be there, buddy. I'll be on your knees. Anderson needs to stop talking. It's hurting my throat.

1:12:19 Adam Yeah. All right, Anderson, stop talking. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:12:26 Caller Love Line. 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:12:44 Adam I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Kevin Nealon is here tonight. What kind of name is Nealon?

1:12:51 Kevin Nealon That's Jewish. No, it's Irish. It's part Irish, and yeah, it comes from O'Neill.

1:12:58 Adam Oh, yeah.

1:12:59 Kevin Nealon And I went back to Ireland a couple years ago to where my grandfather's from, and it's a little town called Fecal. I swear to God, it's in County Clare. How do they spell it? It's spelled differently, but it smells the same. It's F-E-A-K-L-E, I think.

1:13:14 Adam And are they, I mean, they're speaking English over there. They got the fecal matter or something? You know what I mean?

1:13:20 Drew It's strange enough, that's what they call the newspaper locally.

1:13:24 Adam Fecal matter?

1:13:27 Drew Yeah.

1:13:27 Adam I mean, I was watching, I don't know, some history show, and the first guy who stole like a MIG-15 and flew it from Korea into the United States airspace or something, defected essentially. It was a Korean pilot named like some Kum-Sok. And it was always like a laughing, like a maniac sitting there drunk at night, frozen on TiVo, seeing Kum-Sok, you know, Mr. Kum-Sok. But I realized that that's a different language.

1:13:57 Drew Yeah.

1:13:58 Adam He's not laughed at in his own native Korea.

1:14:00 Drew You're shocked.

1:14:02 Adam Kum-Sok. But fecal, they got, that's English over there.

1:14:07 Drew It's close to English.

1:14:07 Adam Yeah. Do we get fecal? Would they call it fecal matter? If you went over there and said, there's fecal matter in my brow, would they know what you meant?

1:14:17 Drew They'd applaud.

1:14:19 Kevin Nealon I think they would probably not know what you meant.

1:14:23 Adam What if I said I stepped in some fecal matter, would they?

1:14:25 Kevin Nealon They'd probably get the idea. Especially if it was in fecal.

1:14:29 Adam Probably best you don't point it out then, right?

1:14:31 Kevin Nealon Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Some things they don't talk about.

1:14:33 Adam Maria? Yeah. You're 19?

1:14:38 Drew Oh boy. Go ahead.

1:14:42 Kevin Nealon She's calling from the rover.

1:14:45 Drew We can't hear you Maria. Talk right into the phone.

1:14:47 Caller Can you hear me now?

1:14:49 Kevin Nealon Turn down your vibrator.

1:14:51 Adam That day we landed another, I was thinking about it today. We landed another one of those rovers and it's all right. It's great we're landing a rover, but you know Mars has a strong gravitational pull and they're not getting off the planet, the rovers.

1:15:05 Kevin Nealon No.

1:15:06 Adam And the rovers are like $400 million or something. And I thought it's really like taking like, 1500 of Puff Daddy's Bentley's and just throwing them into a mine shaft.

1:15:18 Kevin Nealon Yeah.

1:15:19 Adam Really think about it. I was like, hey, it's great. We took a $400 million vehicle. We're never gonna see it again, everybody. That's it.

1:15:26 Kevin Nealon Well, you know, I haven't seen, you know, really the Rover, the other one's called I think Opportunity. But you know, when the Hummers came out, the Humvees, they made a car after that, you know, the Hummer, which, you know, Schwarzenegger made popular. Now, I wonder if they'll do that with the Rover and stuff, make a car after that, you know, like a...

1:15:42 Drew Well, the Land Rover will probably take advantage of it.

1:15:46 Adam Opportunity.

1:15:47 Kevin Nealon The Opportunity.

1:15:48 Drew Yeah, yeah.

1:15:49 Adam Right.

1:15:49 Kevin Nealon The VW Opportunity.

1:15:50 Drew Yeah.

1:15:51 Adam Yeah. Yeah, VW, it's got a passenger seat, there were clients in full for like date raping. The Ford Op. The Ford Op. John? Yeah. You're 20?

1:16:04 Caller Yes.

1:16:05 Adam What's up?

1:16:05 Drew Wow, John likes pot.

1:16:07 Caller No, I don't like pot.

1:16:08 Caller Actually, I stopped smoking pot.

1:16:10 Drew Yeah, well, you did like it.

1:16:16 Caller My buddy was like, he wanted to do mushrooms, but he doesn't want to get into that big of a drug. And people were telling him like Salvia is kind of like mushrooms.

1:16:25 Adam What is Salvia, Drew?

1:16:27 Drew Salvia divinorum is a plant that has hallucinogenic properties. They're very powerful when it's smoked, particularly. We don't know the full effect. There has been some deaths reported from it. There's been brain damage reported from it. It's poorly understood and considered dangerous drug.

1:16:42 Kevin Nealon Now, what about MDMA?

1:16:44 Drew MDMA is ecstasy. And that's, you know, that's well known to call. I mean, I do it.

1:16:48 Kevin Nealon It's not just ecstasy though, is it?

1:16:50 Drew Well, MDA is maybe what you're thinking of, which is a more powerful hallucinogenic related to MDMA. You know, all these- MDMA is ecstasy. That's what it is. That's the name. That's the common name for MDMA is ecstasy. And it is damages limbic area. All this stuff does pretty similar kinds of thing. The current research suggests that those things that make you feel super euphoric do that as a result of causing a sudden tremendous outflow of neurochemicals in the mood centers in the brain. The problem is those chemicals are used to being packaged very tightly in the cells. And when you release them, they turn to free radicals and destroy the cells. So when there's extra physiologic stimulation of the brain cells, the actual neurotransmitters become the devastating destructive force in the brain and kill brain cells and destroy, rip through big parts of the brain. And then I see them a few years later with chronic depressions, needing a shock therapy in the hole.

1:17:47 Kevin Nealon But how many more cells are that killed than like say a fifth of vodka?

1:17:52 Drew Many, many millions more.

1:17:53 Adam Really, really.

1:17:54 Kevin Nealon Didn't therapists used to use that?

1:17:55 Drew They did. It was used briefly, same with LSD, to try to break through stuff. And there's still people that advocate on its behalf, but it is so neurotoxic and so clearly damaging that the benefits are not outweighed by the risks.

1:18:11 Adam Yeah. Alrighty there. Oh, there you go, buddy. What do you want to do for living when you're older?

1:18:18 Caller I want to go into a crime scene investigation for the FBI.

1:18:21 Kevin Nealon Now, you gotta have a lot of yellow tape for that.

1:18:24 Drew Yeah, the FBI's not gonna be too happy with this history. They look at things pretty carefully.

1:18:28 Adam Yeah.

1:18:29 Caller I started collecting my yellow tape.

1:18:31 Adam He's calling from Simi Valley, which is, that's cop Mecca over there. All right, good. All right, so listen, you want to get in the FBI. Don't do the hallucinogenic drugs.

1:18:44 Caller Thanks a lot, man.

1:18:45 Adam Good times. You know, I wonder if all these crime scene shows and stuff, they're all number one, all these CSI Miami and all this Vegas and all this stuff and all these FBI shows. There must be just, you know, 24 and all this. There must be a huge enrollment now. I mean, applications pouring in, right?

1:19:03 Drew I would think, yeah.

1:19:04 Adam I mean, like when Top Gun came out, everyone started running down to the recruiter's office, wanting to be aviators. There must be the same thing with the enrollment, FBI agents and DEA and all that kind of stuff.

1:19:17 Kevin Nealon Also, it's, you know, it should have been obvious those shows would be popular. You know, people would like those types of shows because, you know, even when you're a kid, you're going down the freeway and if there's an accident on the other side, people rubberneck, they stop and they want to see what's going on.

1:19:28 Adam Right.

1:19:29 Kevin Nealon You know, and that's what these shows are. It's just, you know.

1:19:31 Adam I'm hip, but I can never get over the fantasy part of it or the drama part of it. Like I love all the real shows where they go in and they, you know, get the DNA and they get the fiber samples and all that. And they investigate and they bring it back to the morgue and all that kind of stuff. I'm never, I just came by the drama part. I also liked the part where they exhumed bodies 20 years after they went in the ground. There was some perfect shape, by the way. And there was surprise. But why are you surprised? Almost every time you pull, you open that casket, it's like, shoes are remarkable.

1:20:02 Kevin Nealon Their skin was still intact.

1:20:03 Caller Yeah.

1:20:04 Kevin Nealon Mummified.

1:20:05 Adam Frank Efter said it was the best he's had.

1:20:09 Kevin Nealon How much do you need to pay to do that job, to exhume somebody? And the smell?

1:20:15 Caller Yeah.

1:20:15 Adam And just the part where you're digging the grave until you hit something. Anytime and you're not looking for treasure. If you're looking for treasure and you hit something, it's great. When you're pulling up a grave, it's a bad thing. But just the whole thing of, yeah, we got to go back and grab granny. We're going to get some flesh samples. See if we can find a little arsenic in her lungs or something. And they always just pop them. That's got to be rough. And then how about the part where you ain't working from the casket. Boys, we got to get her on the slab, work her open.

1:20:44 Kevin Nealon I think they could avoid a lot of that. If they got the guy, the suspect, who they think may have poisoned her or whatever, and had him stand near the grave as you were digging. And if he started sweating a lot, then you could stop digging and say, oh, yeah, this guy did it.

1:20:56 Adam Kevin brings up a very good point. And-

1:20:58 Drew This would be grounds for your test, your instrument.

1:21:02 Adam Well, I heard somebody, I heard them talking about this on the news. And it's sort of what you were talking about, Drew, which is, I would, here's what I like. We've had the polygraph test for 40 years, maybe 50. Who the hell knows?

1:21:17 Kevin Nealon And you can't use it, of course.

1:21:18 Adam You can't use it. But we've had a lie detector test. If you think about it, long before computers and all cell phones and the push button phones and just about anything, we've had these lie detector tests. And I don't know what they are, but they're probably 95% accurate, which to me is good enough, but not good enough in the eyes of the law and the court and all that. I understand that. But now with computers and scientists and all that what we know about the brain now that we didn't know so many years ago, if we all just focused, if the world scientists focus and neurosurgeons just focused on a device, I don't know if it read retina, if it did retina scanning, whatever it did, hook a couple of electrodes up. And what it is, it's a lie detector and it's irrefutable. That's it. Science is now caught up to the human mind. And if you're lying, you're lying. And we've tested a million people and every one of them has come out conclusively.

1:22:09 Kevin Nealon Kind of like a DNA lie detector.

1:22:11 Adam Right, right, right. Now, no more court battle. Michael Jackson, gone. Robert Blake, gone. OJ gone. It's all gone. It's no more. It's no more change of venue. It's no more court, the sonographer's out of business, the courtroom sketch artist out of business, which has got to be the greatest gig in the world, which is we have cameras, we're not allowing them in the courtroom, but you'll go ahead and draw. And then what we'll do is we'll hold your drawing off the camera. There you go.

1:22:37 Kevin Nealon Really? And do you think they make the people stay in the courtroom later if he can't finish it?

1:22:46 Adam Just think about that concept for a second. By the way, this is why I can't get high in mushrooms anymore, which is no cameras in the courtroom. A guy who draws so good, it's like having the camera in a courtroom, and then he holds it up to the camera once he gets out of courtroom.

1:23:00 Kevin Nealon Really?

1:23:01 Adam How about we just let the guy have the camera in a certain point? Okay, but the point is, is all gone. All gone. And these fiascos, these millions and millions of dollars, and plus these horrible wretched attorneys laughing all the way to their Malibu mansions. It's all gone. It's all right. You catch Robert Blake, you catch OJ you catch Scott Peterson, whoever it is. Even if it's Senator what's-his-name-is Chandra Levy, whatever it is, whoever it is, pow, you're in and out. You're in and out that afternoon. We all know, no speculation, no court reporters, no nothing, whatever it is, we're done.

1:23:35 Kevin Nealon That would be nice.

1:23:36 Adam It'd be nice. And they're talking about this technology now at the airport, which is if you think about it and think about this, we're trying to figure out all the possible ways somebody could hurt us using an aircraft, right? It's like, is he got a shoe bomb? Does he have a pencil, a knife? Is he got a sharpened pencil he's gonna stab somebody with? Like, is he bringing a knife? Is he bringing a bomb? Is he a madman? Is he gonna open the hatch? What's he gonna do? We're trying to screen it all out. Obviously, if it's a woman who claims to be pregnant, it's all TNT in there, it's gonna be a little hard to work out every, and if a woman wants to shove two sticks of dynamite up or coos and get on an airplane, she's gonna get away with it. Here's the new thing they're talking about now. It's this like retinal scan thing that basically says, are you up to anything? And if you're up to anything, it registers.

1:24:26 Drew That's good.

1:24:27 Adam That's what you need, right? So instead of stripping down and spreading your cheeks and giving them your toenail clippers and all that kind of stuff, you just pull up, you pop your head into this thing and somebody, and it tells you, is this guy getting, is it just-

1:24:39 Drew And they just screen those people, that's all.

1:24:40 Adam Yeah, does he have business? Oh no, just screen everyone. Everyone just pop their-

1:24:44 Drew No, no, but I mean, the people that are up to something doesn't mean they're guilty. They're just up to something. Now we screen you carefully.

1:24:48 Adam Do you have business in New York or are you trying to blow the plane up? And then we'll pull you out. Fine, we don't have to strip down.

1:24:56 Drew I'm up for that. And then God willing, it will become culturally entrenched and we'll move it to the courtroom. God willing.

1:25:01 Kevin Nealon I've heard something about the eye scans thing, but is that true?

1:25:03 Adam They're gonna start doing that? They're getting to that point. And that's fine because the part, and I'm sure for every measure, somebody came up with a spear two million years ago and somebody invented a shield 10 minutes later and we just kept escalating that way. Someone's gonna come up with some sort of brain implant that shuts that off eventually. Hopefully the terrorist countries or whatever our enemies are aren't that capable. But the point is, is much better way to stop crime than to try to search them and imagine every possible way they might do some damage to us. And by the way, here's the deal, the righteous, nothing to fear.

1:25:39 Drew Mm-hmm. If you're honest and have nothing, up to nothing, relax.

1:25:43 Adam And look, if you're OJ and you didn't kill Nicole and you're innocent, you should pray.

1:25:47 Drew You should want this.

1:25:48 Adam That they have this device. Yeah, you don't have to sit in the joint waiting for your hearing. You don't have to go through all the rigmarole, all the accusations.

1:25:55 Kevin Nealon No, you're good. The eyes tell a lot, the eyes tell a lot.

1:25:58 Adam Innocent people should pray that this exists. And the guilty are guilty.

1:26:02 Kevin Nealon Do you know when you like something, your pupils get bigger? Yeah, so if you want to see if somebody's gay, you just hold a picture of a naked guy. I use it. And if pupils get bigger. Exhaustor, Shrek.

1:26:15 Adam I use it to mess and smother it up, but yeah. All right, Kevin Nealon in here tonight. By the way, this is my idea, this.

1:26:24 Drew The eye scanner?

1:26:25 Adam No, not the eye scanner, but the advanced machine.

1:26:30 Drew Coral screen?

1:26:31 Adam Yeah, just work on that, just shut everything down. Really, all right. Well, Kevin Nealon, gonna be at the Bray Improv. He's there now, just leave now.

1:26:41 Kevin Nealon I'll be doing some stand up comedy, Adam.

1:26:43 Adam You leave and he'll be there when you get there. All right.

1:26:46 Kevin Nealon I don't even know where Bray is.

1:26:48 Adam You'll find it.

1:26:49 Drew 57.

1:26:49 Adam You follow the trail as you go.

1:26:51 Kevin Nealon 57.

1:26:51 Drew 57 Freeway.

1:26:52 Adam We'll take a quick break.

1:26:52 Kevin Nealon I don't even know where 57 is.

1:26:54 Adam We'll be right back. Hey, everybody, Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Kevin Nealon, dear friend. Hey, everybody. Dear friend, Kevin Nealon, in Tonight, you can find him on Crank Yankers, by the way. Fantastic show. Yeah, website.

1:27:29 Kevin Nealon Yeah, kevinnealon.com. I'll let you know where I'm gonna be, et cetera.

1:27:33 Adam He's gonna be at the Bray Improv Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Saturday. Don't say Sunday. Saturday, good. You don't wanna be doing that during the Super Bowl.

1:27:43 Ah.

1:27:44 Adam Yeah.

1:27:45 That's right, good point.

1:27:46 Adam Drew, don't, and by the way, Drew.

1:27:48 Drew I'm gonna watch the game.

1:27:48 Adam Don't slap me in the face by showing up on Sunday night, not watching the Super Bowl.

1:27:52 Drew I'm watching the game.

1:27:53 Adam I know, but you're just very half-assed about it, even very leisurely, like guys. Drew, did you watch Super Bowl every year, and you're like, uh, who said it?

1:28:02 Drew No, no, no.

1:28:03 Adam Yeah, the blue guys.

1:28:04 Drew I watched it last year, pretty diligently.

1:28:06 Adam I saw some of it. I thought one guy, you're like a chick describing a football game, Drew.

1:28:12 Drew Last few years, I went more into college football. That's all I just thought of.

1:28:15 Kevin Nealon Where do you guys watch the game?

1:28:17 Adam Not together.

1:28:18 Kevin Nealon Not together.

1:28:19 Adam Not together.

1:28:19 Drew He goes to every goddamn Super Bowl parties. No, he goes to the Super Bowls.

1:28:24 Adam I go to the Super Bowl oftentimes, but I watch the games over Jimmy's house.

1:28:28 Drew You go to, you've been to like the last four Super Bowls.

1:28:30 Adam Yeah, but Sunday football over Jimmy's, he's got a big screen, and then I installed two flat screens next to the big screen that can be split. So it's not the picture in picture. They're split down the middle, so you watch five games.

1:28:45 Drew This is like the Caesar's Palace sports road.

1:28:48 Adam It's like a sports book in there, yeah. Big guys, we don't know, smoking cigars, us yelling down in front of them.

1:28:54 Drew Pete Rose is there.

1:28:58 Adam Pete's there with that crazy Peckerwood haircut he has, and his stupid rope gold chain bracelet. Oh my God. I saw that guy at a restaurant, like he looks like a high schooler who won the lottery from Michigan. It's just like wearing a bad Gucci jumpsuit and holding one of those man purses. Fantastic. No gambling problem. Amanda.

1:29:29 Caller Yeah.

1:29:30 Drew Sleeping.

1:29:30 Adam 15, you all right?

1:29:32 Caller Yeah, fine.

1:29:33 Adam What's up? What's up, baby doll?

1:29:35 Caller I was just wondering if there's like any, well I've been with this guy Johnny for like two weeks now, and I know that he's been cheating on me because a bunch of my friends said they've talked to him and said that he was using me for sex.

1:29:48 Drew And here's an interesting twist on the bringing the name up. This was not bringing the name up because it's bogus. This is bringing the name up because, God damn, I'm gonna get back at this guy. I want him to, I want her to hear that I'm talking about him on the radio and then I know he's up to something, right?

1:30:02 Adam And here's the thing, by the way, Johnny is gonna break your heart, he's gonna cheat on you. John, probably not, Jonathan could be gay.

1:30:12 Kevin Nealon First of all, how do we know this is not a name that she's using instead of the real name?

1:30:17 Drew Yeah, we can feel it.

1:30:18 Adam We know.

1:30:19 Kevin Nealon Let's ask her, I bet she's using a fake name.

1:30:21 Drew For herself or for him?

1:30:22 Kevin Nealon No, for Johnny. See, I told you.

1:30:26 Drew No, she wants him to hear, she wants him to know that she's talking about and she's on to him.

1:30:32 Kevin Nealon Yeah.

1:30:32 Adam Yeah.

1:30:33 Drew She's bad.

1:30:33 Adam And Amanda?

1:30:34 Caller Mm-hmm.

1:30:35 Adam All right, so break up with him.

1:30:38 Drew How old is he?

1:30:39 Caller He's gonna be 17.

1:30:41 Drew All right, come on, there's a big age difference there. Forget it.

1:30:43 Adam It's not a big one, just break up.

1:30:44 Drew Forget it. Listen, you're gonna learn that all guys are interested in having sex with you. That's their primary motivation for being with you. That doesn't mean they're bad guys, it doesn't mean it's necessarily what they have to have in order to be in a relationship, but that's gonna be their primary motivation.

1:30:58 Adam Right.

1:30:58 Drew The 17, 18, nine-year-old, that's gonna be their motivation. And your job is to sort of sort through the guys that are just interested in that and those that are interested in that and you in a relationship.

1:31:09 Caller One of my best childhood guy friends, we've really gotten really close over the past couple of years. And he said that he didn't wanna get together right now because he was afraid of commitment. And he's not much, I think he's gonna be, yeah, he's gonna be 15.

1:31:29 Drew Yeah, he doesn't wanna get it right now because all you talk to him about is Johnny.

1:31:32 Caller No, I don't talk to him about Johnny at all.

1:31:36 Drew The reason he's your friend is he's attracted to you.

1:31:39 Adam No, no, no. Listen, he's not into you.

1:31:42 Drew I think he's given a little bluff, a double negative.

1:31:46 Adam He's not even 15 yet, okay? When you're not even 15 and you're hot for a chick, you're in, you're not doing that. I'm too busy right now beating off and doodling on a peachy floor.

1:31:58 Drew Are you thinking maybe he's saying, he's saying, no, no, I couldn't do it right now. I'm really into my, I couldn't do it right now just to see what she says. Oh, but I'd love to.

1:32:07 Adam Do you think he likes you? Do you think he has liked you for the time you've known him?

1:32:11 Caller Well, I've known him since we were like five.

1:32:16 Kevin Nealon What's his name?

1:32:17 Caller His name's Michael.

1:32:18 Kevin Nealon That's a fake name right there.

1:32:20 Adam Kevin knows. He's got a crystal ball and he was hit on the head with it.

1:32:24 Drew All right, look, but you gotta clarify what Michael's up to. I suspect the reason he's your friend is that he is attracted to you. If he is and you open the door, he will fly through. If not, forget it, he's not into it.

1:32:35 Adam Let me cramp on your point for just one second as you know I'm always right. Yes, they've been friends since five, though. So they're sort of neighborhood people or whatever.

1:32:44 Drew But he's stuck around.

1:32:45 Adam Yeah, but sometimes it works that way. You just stay in the same grade. You move on and you're folks are friends or whatever. So friends at age five does not mean he's hot for you necessarily. When a 14, 15 year old guy all of a sudden befriends you, he has a crush on you.

1:33:01 Drew Oh yes, oh yes, that is definite.

1:33:03 Adam Friends since five saying, I'm not really ready for a relationship right now. Maybe telling you, hey, I'm really into you. Guy's been pining for a number of years. That door opens.

1:33:14 Drew He's in.

1:33:15 Adam He's in. Thank you. Drew agrees? Yes, he does. Adam Genius? Yes, he is. Kevin Nealon, funny, funny, dear, dear, funny, funny, dear friend. Gonna beat the Bray Improv this weekend. And a little bit before that, we'll be right back after this.

1:33:30 Caller All right, guys, bottom line, here's the deal.

1:33:33 Caller Sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

1:33:35 Caller One call is all you need to make.

1:33:36 Caller Call the Dateline. 877-889-DATE.

1:33:44 Caller Love Line with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew. 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:34:04 Adam Well, that's the show, everybody. I want to thank dear, dear, dear friend, Kevin Nealon, for coming in tonight. Going to be the Bray Improv for the next 100 years, starting Wednesday in the Netherlands.

1:34:15 Kevin Nealon You know you joke about that, but you're right.

1:34:17 Adam Yeah. He's going to, they're going to have to drag him off stage like a dick shot.

1:34:22 Kevin Nealon I got to tell you, I had a good time tonight. Really looked forward to it, and it really met my expectations.

1:34:29 Adam Easy, right?

1:34:29 Kevin Nealon Yeah, it's easy. You come in here, you're right off Venice Boulevard. It's quiet, everybody's well-behaved. You learn something, you go home with something.

1:34:38 Drew He's going to hit with a shiv on the way out the door.

1:34:41 Adam Kevin Nealon, everybody. The Lingerie Bowl Girls tomorrow night. Until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying, Mahalo.

1:34:48 Kevin Nealon Well, I'll tell you what, sweetheart, I think I'll have the french fries, bitch, and I'll also give me the hammocker whore, and I don't think I'll take any ketchup with that slut.

1:34:59 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors or this station. The producer for Loveline is Ann Ingold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Monday, January 26, 2004