Episode 1000588642116

0:54 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually oriented content. The listener discretion is advised.

1:00 Love Line with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

1:03 Adam It's the Love Line with Adam. That's Doctor Who. Dr. Bruce. You know him. It's Dr. Spaz. Board-certified physician. He's an addiction medicine specialist. He's also an emergency medicine specialist.

1:18 Adam And an internist.

1:19 Adam An internist.

1:20 Adam Like Howard Dean.

1:23 Adam He's really more qualified than Dr. Drew. He actually is.

1:27 Adam Has Drew drawn any parallels with Howard Dean being... We were all board-certified in internal medicine in the early 80s. It's a scary thing to think of.

1:35 Adam He's not brought his name up. Dr. Bruce also does specialties with laser work. Tattoo removal and taking away wrinkles. Brofacial, botox. Botox. Here's the thing. If you have a question, it has to do with a laser. Bruce could probably lend his...

1:59 Adam Or you can go to dr.bruce.com and ask questions there. I also have help numbers for suicide and other...

2:06 Adam All right. You can do that. Dr. Bruce is filming for Drew, who's in Utah or something at some ski show. Bruce is going to be in tomorrow night too?

2:19 Adam And Tuesday. You're blessed, Adam.

2:22 Adam Hold on. Three goddamn nights of you? We're a minute and 22 into this show if I hadn't asked for you.

2:28 Adam Really?

2:28 Adam No.

2:28 Adam Can I say hi to my seven-year-old daughter, Elizabeth?

2:31 Adam That would be impossible. I love Dr. Bruce. I really do. I call him Dr. Spaz, but I do it with all great affection, although I will get angry at him at some point during the time of the show. But that's only because he wants it, and he needs discipline. All right. So, holy Christ, I lost more money today. I can't gamble. There's a movie out now with William H. Macy and dear, dear, dear, dear friend Alec Baldwin called The Cooler. I am the football gambling cooler.

3:07 Adam I would have been on Philadelphia and Peyton Manning. Indianapolis. That's what I would have.

3:13 Adam Well, okay. Here's what happens. I get sucked in. Here's how you get sucked in. You see, you see, first off, I hang around with cousin Sal the bookie all day. So it's hard when they're asking you casually, I'm putting something in. You want me to put something in for you? I'm going to put something in. Because here's the whole thing, really. When you're in the proximity of a bookie, it's like having a slot machine on wheels just following you around. You got a handful of quarters and the slot machine is going, you want to try one? Right. Obviously, if the slot machine is not there, you just keep walking. But you know, here's how much, first off, I lose, every time I gamble, I lose. But secondly, although I did win the Super Bowl last year, that was after losing all year, I just said, let it all ride on the Super Bowl and got back to even. But, I'm the same with gambling as I am with desserts or something. If someone says, if the waitress says, you want dessert, I say, no, no thanks, I'm watching my calories. If the waitress brings out a dessert and sets it in front of me and says, a little compliment to the chef, it's gone.

4:17 Adam It's all over.

4:17 Adam It's all over. So, I've realized that's how I am and probably that's how most people are.

4:21 Adam Right. And then if you lose, you're going to make it up by this great bet the next time.

4:25 Adam Right. So, okay, so here's the thing. Pats are playing the Colts. Colts have been unstoppable. They're offense, but Pats are tough at home. I have no feeling for this game exactly. I kind of like the Colts. I feel like they're going to put some points on the board. Manning's been playing so great. They haven't punted the whole playoffs. Not one punt. So, I think that game's going to be pretty close. And then I got Carolina in Philly and I'm thinking, geez, that is another tough game. That seems like a pretty hard fought close game. I kind of like Carolina a little. So, Cousin Sal says, how about the teaser? And I said, well, what's the teaser? What's the teaser? Because I've played the teasers before. Teaser sounds like guaranteed money. Here's how the teaser goes. You get six points both ways. Here's the deal. You could take the Colts and get nine points. Wow, nine points. That's a lot. Manning, lighten up the scoreboard. The Pats are going to have to beat them. No way you think you could lose that bet. What's the other one? You could take Carolina and get ten points. So all they have to do is relatively close games. Hell, let the Pats win by touchdown. Let Philly win by touchdown. I still win. Besides, Carolina's probably going to win that game outright. Sure, set. Sign me up. Sign me up. Now, so, they're behind the Pats. The Colts are behind the Pats the whole game. But at the very end, pal, they put a score up, and now it's 14 to 21, right? And it's like, I've covered, we'll cover, we'll cover here. Two and a half minutes left. They go for the onside kick, they get it, they get the ball, they give it back, they get it. With 40 seconds left, the Pats are forced to kick a field goal. And of course, what does that put them up by? Ten points. Ten goddamn points. And the second that game's over, I announce to the room of fans, listen, Carolina, we're going to win outright. Because if you lose your first teaser game, the second one is going to come through. Now obviously, I had Carolina in ten points in the next teaser, so by halftime I had like a 24 point lead.

6:35 Adam So now what did Sal do?

6:36 Adam Did he win? No. He lost two. They both lost at one goddamn point. But here's the thing, you know, and then there's the knife-twisting part where I said to the room, OK, now you realize Carolina is going to win the game, because of course if Philly beats them and kills them at that one point, that's not a knife-twist anymore, right? And so someone says, why don't you bet for Carolina? I did. I said, you want me to take you down? I'll bet them right now and have them lose. You'll lose your money. Now see, if I bet, they're gone. I'll take them down. You should hope that I stay away from them so you can take your money.

7:11 Adam The cooler.

7:12 Adam Yeah, the cooler. Corolla, the cooler.

7:15 One goddamn point.

7:17 Adam Fourteen to twenty-one with two and a half minutes left in the game. I mean, when it's fourteen to twenty-one with two and a half minutes left in the game and your money's on the team that's losing, you're thinking, we may get to overtime. We may tie this thing up if we can get the ball back. No, no you don't.

7:36 Adam You know, there's some good GA meetings. I sense a little loss of control, Adam.

7:46 Hey, Dr. Bruce, actually, right?

7:48 Adam Are you Jennifer?

7:49 Actually, my... All right.

7:50 Adam It's a phone line.

7:52 It's a lot of...

7:52 Adam It's F'd up royally. Let's go into the next guy.

7:55 Adam That was Jennifer's point.

7:56 Adam Dylan?

7:57 Dr. Bruce Yeah?

7:58 Adam You know, why don't we get the feedback with the calls? Do you hear that, Bruce?

8:02 Adam Yeah.

8:02 Adam Go ahead, Dylan.

8:04 Dr. Bruce Hey, what's up, you guys? It's Dr. Bruce. Nice to talk to you, I guess. I got a question for you. I became sexually active kind of late, like around 19, I guess, which is pretty late for a guy.

8:18 Adam That's young for Bruce's crowd. You're just a baby. Bruce started last week.

8:25 Dr. Bruce Oh, well, okay.

8:26 I don't feel so bad then.

8:27 Dr. Bruce But anyway, ever since I started, I have never been able to get off, to have an orgasm in an oral or like a hand job type of situation.

8:39 And I was wondering if there's any room for that.

8:42 Adam Maybe I haven't hooked up with the right fella.

8:44 Adam Hope my seven year old is still not listening.

8:46 Of what?

8:48 Adam Listen, here's the thing. Hand job, I don't blame you for. Oral, I'm outraged. But the hand job, look, there's a lot of guys, a high percentage of guys who, you know, they ain't going to work unless it's insertion. Yes? Yes.

9:04 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

9:05 Adam Yeah. That's you, Dylan.

9:08 Dr. Bruce Oh.

9:09 Adam Let me, yeah, but let me see if I can train you a little bit here. You have a girlfriend?

9:16 Dr. Bruce No, actually, I had a girlfriend and then I was, realized that I was gay and I thought maybe that was the problem, but I still haven't been able to happen with a guy either.

9:27 Adam I was joking when I said maybe I haven't found the right fella, but evidently not. So have you ever been traumatized?

9:37 Adam No.

9:38 Adam You're just confused?

9:40 Adam When did you start having sex?

9:41 Adam Nineteen, jack-off.

9:43 Dr. Bruce Yeah. Nineteen with girls and about twenty-one with guys.

9:47 Adam And you've had an orgasm with penetration, is that right? At some point.

9:51 Dr. Bruce Well, with guys, yes. With girls, no.

9:54 Adam Well, wait a minute, wait a minute. Is your, I'm going to ask this, I'm going to be sensitive about this, but is your behind and intact?

10:02 Dr. Bruce Is my what?

10:02 Adam My what?

10:03 Adam Behind, that's the male's.

10:05 Dr. Bruce Oh, no, that's broken.

10:06 Adam That's broken.

10:07 Adam Are you usually the top or the bottom?

10:10 Dr. Bruce I've done both.

10:11 Adam All right. And so you can have an orgasm with a guy having anal sex?

10:16 Yes.

10:18 Adam And, but not with a girl?

10:20 Caller No.

10:21 Adam Okay. Well, I'd say your balls have decided your sexual proclivity and the guys have it. Yes? Yes.

10:31 Caller All right.

10:32 Adam So why don't you just, so why don't you, so you're going to stick with guys now, right? Yes. So, and you want to know why you can't have an orgasm through oral sex or manual manipulation with a guy, quiet down, Bruce. You got to find a guy, fall in love, have a relationship, and then start working all that crap out.

10:54 Adam So it's not physiologic?

10:55 Adam No.

10:55 Adam It's an anxiety thing probably. And some of these things are learned behaviors or practiced behaviors, and it's not an automatic thing that you come as a packaged sex machine and everything works just the way it should in any given situation.

11:10 Adam Well, look at any facet of life, whether it's a friendship or a relationship with a therapist or a personal trainer or whoever it is, if you just went from one to first date, first workout, first tryout, first day of the job, how good would your relationship ever be? How good would your performance ever be?

11:33 Adam And then you have certain criteria, well, I didn't have this happen on this encounter.

11:37 Adam Yeah, if you sort of think about your first day of school, your first day of work, your first date, your first whatever, it's never any, it's your tenth one by the time you start to loosen up and hit your stride, it's the same physically.

11:53 Adam Right, and this guy's interactions around sex are very confused up until a certain point, so there's got to be a lot of anxiety and a lot of insecurity.

12:01 Adam It's really weird from a societal standpoint because we've managed to convince everybody or at least the males that that one night stand is the best it's ever going to get sexually. I mean, in terms of the media and television, radio, movies, it's like, hey man, that one night man, if you could get her into the sack, it would be the greatest thing ever. Every other facet of life, it's very clear that first time out, people don't even judge you. A quarterback that's a rookie that's coming off the bench, you know, it's always like, hey, he's going to make mistakes. The sex is no different than any of these other things. It's even more so, I would say. You probably have a better shot of having a better time with a personal trainer or something the first time you went to work with them than you did some chick you got on top of after you drank like 11 Zemas.

12:51 Adam But see, you're arguing for abstinence.

12:53 Adam Thank you. No, I'm not. Here's my abstinence. Stop talking. That's what I want. That's a form. That's a Bruce abstinence. That's what I want. Stop talking.

13:03 Adam Me stop talking?

13:03 Adam Yes. Just don't talk.

13:05 Adam I can't control it.

13:06 Adam No talking.

13:07 Adam I can't control it.

13:08 Adam I won't do any effing if you don't do any talking. It's a verbal abstinence. You see what I'm saying?

13:15 Adam I'm a board certified addiction medicine specialist. I have to give my two cents. I'm here to protect Drew's turf. Back to Jennifer.

13:23 Adam And by the way, if you really want to fill in for Drew effectively.

13:26 Adam I have to bang the mic.

13:27 Adam You want to punch the mic six times now, all right. Just whacking it. He hits the mic with his chest, hit it with his sternum, hit it with his breastplate the other day. He hits it with his elbow. He whacks it with his coffee mug. And he's like, every time I say to him, stop punching the goddamn mic, he's like, hey, Adam, that's, I'm clumsy. I'm like, well, put your hands by your side.

13:51 Adam You know, I'm not likely to bang the mic unless you keep yelling at me and get me more anxious. And I think if you just leave Drew alone, leave me alone. You stay on that side of the table. I stay on this side. I say, I provide the expertise, the medical expertise.

14:04 Caller You're all over me.

14:06 Adam Listen, I get anxious. You get anxious.

14:09 Caller Right.

14:09 Adam But you put a little gel in your hair tonight and that's a good thing. When Bruce comes in here with dry hair, when he's dry head, he's all over the place. He's got the gel. That's like Batman's utility belt, that gel in your hair.

14:25 Adam Is it all about the tippity-pip? The only time I put gel in my hair is when I fill in on Love Line.

14:28 Adam That's the point.

14:29 Adam Once in a while, you're going to give me grief with that.

14:31 Adam Once in a while, you come in with dry head and you're not a confident man.

14:35 Adam It's a longer walk to the car in this building.

14:37 Adam You got the gel, you're a confident man. You're a confident man.

14:41 Adam Keep your hands off me.

14:43 Adam Later on, you can tell me why Drew insists on punching the microphone on a nightly basis.

14:49 Adam I'll do an interpretive psychoanalytic study on you and Drew and why you're a man.

14:53 Adam Oh, I know. I know, I know, I know what he does and I know why he does it. Elmer?

14:59 What's up, Adam? Dr. Drew? You guys are great. I'm Dr. Bruce. You're the best villain ever.

15:08 Adam Where do we get someone competent in here?

15:13 Well, my wife kind of set me up with this call, but you know, I come from a pretty strong Filipino family and I'm planning on getting a vasectomy and I just wanted to know you guys' personal experience with friends maybe you have who have had vasectomies because I've got all this superstitious spiritual mojo that's like trying to get me, you know, half foot in, half out, half foot out, and I've got like two weeks to be there, you know what I mean?

15:37 Adam Your wife wants you to get the vasectomy.

15:39 Well, actually, I agree to it. I want to do it. I mean, we've pushed out four kids or she's pushed out four kids for me.

15:46 Adam Yeah, that sounds like enough.

15:48 Adam You're just, you're really just changing the plumbing and there's no studies haven't shown any long-term effects. There was a theory that you created antibodies to sperm and that there could be some long-term immunologic complications and that turned out not to be true. So there's no long-term medical complications. You know, your mojo, your spiritual karma, whatever you believe in, there's been no, there's been nothing to suggest that people have any depression or any kind of psychological problems.

16:16 Adam Well, what about your wife getting on the pill?

16:20 Well, you know, she tried a couple types of birth control, like the pill, epidural, stuff like that, but she's always had bad reactions, like depression or moving, stuff like that.

16:31 Adam Let's put his mind at ease.

16:33 Adam It's a minor, minor procedure. It's got no long-term side effects. It's safe.

16:38 Adam It can be reversed, too, right?

16:41 I got one other question about that. I mean, I just went in for a consultation for the no scalpel method. Now what is the scalpel method? I mean, what's the difference between those two methods?

16:51 Adam This is less traumatic.

16:52 Adam Scalpel that can make an incision?

16:55 Adam Right.

16:56 Adam Where? In the scrotum?

16:58 Adam No.

16:58 Yeah, it's both sides of the scrotum, right?

17:00 Adam Right, both sides, but not into the scrotum itself.

17:02 Adam He said no 10 seconds ago. Well, they cut the sac, right? Don't they? Or buy it? Where do they make the incision?

17:08 Adam I don't know. I don't do the procedure myself.

17:09 Adam Just say no, please.

17:10 Adam No, but you're not going into the scrotum itself.

17:12 Adam This oftentimes happens if Bruce doesn't know and then he ends up trying to see the song and dance for 20 minutes.

17:17 No, I can't believe I'm on air with you guys, man. You know, you guys got me through college like, like crazy, you know, and I had to do two-hour commutes and stuff. Oh, man, listen to that.

17:26 Adam Hey, thanks, Elmer. Visectomy. Visectomy sounds like a, like a female Filipino name, doesn't it? Like Elmer. I'm going to set you up with a Visectomy. Yeah, don't they have all those names? I work with a Filipino guy named Pogi.

17:41 You know what that means, right?

17:43 Adam Means handsome. Yeah. But here's the thing. I was thinking, you know, you go, you go, Pogi, what's that name mean? It's like means handsome in Filipino. I'm like, oh, that's nice. Everyone thinks that's nice, but you're an asshole when you're in the Philippines, right? Hey, everybody, it's handsome.

17:58 Caller Don't call me that, you know what I mean? That's, that's the kind of reaction you get from people when they say that to you, you know?

18:03 Adam Yeah.

18:03 Adam Good guy. You can't generalize about racial things, but all the Filipino friends I have have been the nicest, happiest people, great people.

18:10 Adam Good people. Got nothing against those people. We are grateful for everything. They are good people. All right.

18:17 Adam So, There is a new procedure. I'm not that familiar with it. It's less traumatic. And typically, it's done in less than five minutes and it's very safe, tried and true. Get it done.

18:30 Caller All right.

18:31 Adam It's good times over there. Let's go and talk to Zane over here. Zane, you're 15.

18:40 Caller Hey, what's up?

18:41 Caller Adam, you're the best. And Anderson, your soundbites rule the show and Bruce, you're pretty cool too.

18:47 Adam Anderson with that. Anderson's a strong, young following. Yeah. Yeah. That would have been the time he should have dropped in a soundbite, by the way. There you go. Go ahead, Zane.

19:00 Caller My question is, I've been sweating a lot lately in social situations and when I get nervous, and I was just wondering if there's any medications out there that I can take to correct that.

19:12 Adam Well, I happen to know something about this. First off, don't let Dr. Bruce give you a thousand shots of Botox in your forehead saying that will stop you from sweating.

19:25 Caller Well, no, it's not my forehead. It's just my armpits.

19:27 Adam Oh, your armpits. You get the pit sweat. Yeah. You know, people who get the pit sweat complain that this is the worst sweat of all. I would argue that my forehead sweat is worse than your pit sweat because everyone gets the pit sweat.

19:41 Adam And not everybody is under TV camera lights like you are.

19:45 Adam Yeah.

19:45 Adam That's when it's the most problematic.

19:47 Adam So here's the deal, Zane. I've done a little research on this. A, there are surgeries if it's a dire thing, and the pit sweat surgery is not that big a surgery. I don't know if it's the same as the palm sweat one, but there are actual surgeries you can do. There's also like a topical medications you can put on, too.

20:09 Adam Yeah, you've tried.

20:10 Adam I think, is it, what, is it Xerac?

20:14 Adam Right. You always mention it and I can never remember it.

20:16 Adam X-E-R-A-C, I think. Yeah. You got that? Xerac? Yeah, X-E-R-A-C, I think is how you spell it. But anyway, it's just a consistency of water, and it stops you from sweating. There's also pills you can take that will stop you from sweating, too.

20:38 Adam Yeah, but you know, really the Botox injections.

20:42 Adam Yeah, what?

20:44 Adam They are very effective.

20:46 Caller What?

20:46 Adam You mean they're very effective? You shot me in the forehead like as if a couple rounds of a shotgun were fired into my goddamn forehead and it did nothing.

20:55 Adam You have to do it every couple of...

20:57 Caller Well, I want to just kill myself.

20:58 Adam Drew was sitting here, you were turning white, Drew's laughing and going, keep going, and you're going, well, after about ten little injections, little injections like with a tuberculin.

21:08 Adam You had put seventy injections into my forehead.

21:12 Adam We didn't finish the procedure and I had mercy on you.

21:15 Adam Look, it did nothing. It did zero.

21:18 Adam Yeah, and okay, so the Botox for palms and for underarms is really quite successful and it's not that painful. It's probably more painful in your forehead because you have thinner skin and it's going to be less well tolerated. But there is a minor surgical procedure where you're cutting nerves at supply.

21:38 Adam I just got done saying this. Here's the thing. Get on the internet and start checking it out. There are topical things you can put on.

21:46 Adam Hyperhidrosis is the term and if you do a search under that term, you'll find there are many numerous practices that are dedicated to hyperhidrosis.

21:56 Adam None that great, though, really. I went to a guy. I went to a guy. I said, what is this surgery? He basically said, oh, we're going to have to get the ribs spread around.

22:06 Adam Not for your forehead.

22:07 Adam Yeah. You know the people that once in a while, you go into some business and you want something and they decide they don't want you to have it, so that's it? Right. Like you go in and you go, I'm thinking of, even if it means work for them, like you want something done to your car, you want something done to you, and they're already shaking their head as you're explaining it to them?

22:28 Adam I never understood that.

22:29 Adam Me neither. It's like, listen, Pops, I got a sweaty forehead. You do surgeries. How about I give you some of my money and you give me one of your surgeries and my forehead stops sweating? And you can tell it's about halfway into your explanation they're shaking their head. Yeah. Well, no. No, I don't know. It's like, what business are you in?

22:49 Adam You know when doctors do that with patients, when they think the patient's a little off or they're concerned about a little bit of character logic problems, like the patient's going to not be satisfied. There's a certain, like, you get a feeling for somebody and you may have said to go. How dare you?

23:03 Adam How dare you? How dare you?

23:05 Adam I'm providing my professional medical experience.

23:07 Adam Now, I can tell you that the surgery to get your forehead to quit sweating, which my forehead is doing right now just talking about forehead sweat, is more involved than the one that gets your palms to quit sweating, as you could well imagine.

23:21 Adam Oh, absolutely. But if you'd let me complete the Botox injections in your forehead.

23:24 Adam Are you high? You gave me 75 injections. All I did was get a whole bunch of little red dots in my head, and I sweat more than I ever did for my forehead.

23:35 Adam I didn't use a topical anesthetic because I thought, you know, Adam, tough guy, real man.

23:39 Adam You said you're going to give me an injection of Botox. Here's the thing. Bruce has to inject every square millimeter of your forehead in order for this to work. You didn't tell me I was going to get a series of 75 shots. I thought I was getting one shot. And why would it work? You already did it. It did nothing. That's your answer?

24:02 Adam No, I didn't say that because I didn't finish. It's dependent on completely covering that area.

24:07 Adam All right, listen.

24:10 Adam Thank God Drew was there as a witness.

24:12 Adam It did zero. You gave me 75 shots. It did zero.

24:17 Adam We didn't finish the procedure.

24:18 Adam So you're saying if we did 90 shots, it would have worked. How dare you. We're going to talk during the break. This is not going to work.

24:26 Caller All right.

24:26 Adam We'll be right back. Thanks for watching!

24:50 Caller That's Dr. Bruce.

24:50 Adam Dr. Bruce, filming for Dr. Drew, board certified, addiction medicine, emergency medicine, tattoo removal. What can't this young spaz do? Apparently, I can't do Botox on your forehead. Yeah, no.

24:52 Caller That's why it's true.

24:52 Adam You realize I lost my teaser today. You know, I lost by one point. I lost by one point in that game that I lost by one point. There was a safety.

25:02 Adam Oh, yeah.

25:03 Adam That's got there was a field goal that hit the goal post and carromed in. There's five points right there. And then there was a field goal with 40 seconds left in the game that they almost had to kick because they couldn't just take a knee. They probably would have preferred just to take a knee, but because they were only up by seven, technically, they had to get two scores ahead. Yeah, one point.

25:30 Adam You wonder if those guys are sitting there knowing what the spread is in the game going, Jesus, we kicked this field goal. I think all the people are going to lose their shirts.

25:37 Adam Does the thing have to hit the post and go in? Do you have to get this?

25:42 Caller All right.

25:44 Adam Listen, do this. I'm too devastated from the loss today. Let's you read the Cabin Fever promotion.

25:50 Adam If you're 18 and over, Cabin Fever, all callers who get in the air tonight will receive a Cabin Fever DVD and will get a chance to win a trip for four to a ski vacation in Whistler. The prize will include airfare, lift tickets in a cabin. The Cabin Fever DVD will be available in stores on January 20th and the winner will be announced next Sunday, January 25th.

26:11 Adam 18 or older.

26:12 Adam 18 or older.

26:13 Adam We'll give you the DVD and then your name goes into the hopper. And I like your odds, as I said to Drew, because I've only been averaging about three calls a night. And two of them have been from 12 year olds. So if you're the one person that gets on the air is older than 18, you may just walk away with this cabin.

26:31 Adam You're so modest Adam. There are people lined up at pay phones all over.

26:35 Adam Yeah. You've been to Whistler? Have you ever been to Whistler?

26:37 Adam No, it's a great ski area.

26:38 Adam That's what I hear.

26:39 Adam Friends from up there.

26:41 Adam Drew would tell you what a great ski area was if he wasn't skiing right now.

26:47 Adam Is he really skiing?

26:48 Adam Yes, he is. Well, now this second, he's probably drinking a hot toddy and warming his tootsies in front of the fireplace. Yes. Why, you don't know hot toddies in Utah? I don't.

27:00 Adam I think you had to bring your own or something like that.

27:02 Adam That's a BYOB state?

27:03 Adam Yeah.

27:04 Adam Nicole? Yeah. Oh, before I forget, I saw a whole thing on ephedra over the weekend.

27:12 Adam Don't get me started.

27:14 Adam Drew doesn't like the ephedra. There are people, dieters, who say, hey, this is help me lose weight. It's an important tool for me. I mean, they're banning ephedra, essentially. Do you think it's dangerous or not?

27:26 Adam Ephedra is one step away as I draw. This is methamphetamine.

27:31 Adam Wait, wait. Dr. Bruce is drawing... It's great radio. It's drawing a molecule.

27:36 Adam That's ephedrine. That's methamphetamine.

27:42 Adam So you draw what looks like a birdhouse and then a dash and a C and a dash and a C and a dash and then an MCH. This is the molecular breakdown?

27:53 Adam This is the molecule for ephedrine right here that I drew. You got this ring and some carbons, blah, blah, blah. But you have this oxygen group down here. You cut that off, and this is what they do in these labs. It's one step, basically. They get some red phosphorus and some real strong acid. You cut off this oxygen, off this molecule. One oxygen off of there, and you've got methamphetamine.

28:14 Adam So you don't like ephedra?

28:15 Adam No. So, two things. It's basically, when you have this molecule, when you have ephedrine, it's a little harder for this stuff to get into your brain. So some people, when they take ephedrine, they notice it speeds them up. They get a little bit of a boost off it. But to get that, you have to take a lot more. And this stuff really stimulates your blood pressure, your heart. And it's very similar.

28:37 Adam What do you think about people when they say, look, if you're healthy and you're taking the right doses, no problem?

28:43 Adam Well, the other point to be made about it is this does not work for weight loss.

28:48 Adam It just doesn't work.

28:49 Adam And if you look at any studies with any of the stimulants, really, people lose weight for four weeks, eight weeks, and then almost 100% of the back.

28:58 Adam So, Dr. Bruce, given the molecular structure of ephedra, pow! That's impressive.

29:07 Adam What can I say?

29:08 Adam That's impressive. Does not translate into one ounce of Puntang, by the way, but still very impressive. Yeah, probably hurts a little, actually. Nicole? Nicole?

29:24 Adam Pick up, pick up.

29:24 Yeah, I'm here.

29:27 Unacceptable.

29:28 Adam You're 18.

29:29 Caller Yeah.

29:30 Adam What's up?

29:31 Well, my boyfriend is bulimic and I can't really confront him about it because he gets kind of defensive.

29:37 Adam Did you say he or she gets?

29:39 He, it's my boyfriend. He's bulimic.

29:40 Adam I know you said it was your boyfriend. I just thought you said she gets...

29:43 Yeah, he hits me whenever I confront him about it. Like, almost. He comes pretty close to doing that.

29:50 Adam Liar! Liar whore! Liar whore! You know it!

29:54 Stop that. I'm not a liar or whore.

29:57 Adam Well, you got to be at least one.

29:59 At least one, yeah. Well, okay, yeah. I'm kind of a whore, but that's not material to the public.

30:05 Adam Where's your dad? You get along with him?

30:07 With my dad? Yeah, more or less.

30:11 Adam What do you do? Go to school? Yeah. Where? Uh-huh. Is that a banana slug?

30:18 Of course.

30:19 Adam Jesus.

30:20 Adam How did you find out he was bulimic? What do you notice about his behavior?

30:22 Well, because he's lost like 40 pounds over the past like two months or so.

30:27 Adam Yeah. Was he heavy before?

30:29 Caller Um, sort of.

30:30 He was kind of like, like a hobbit.

30:32 Caller Pleasantly plump.

30:34 Adam Yeah. Well, so how much does he weigh now?

30:37 I don't know exactly. He's probably around 140 now.

30:40 Adam And he was like 180 before?

30:43 Sort of.

30:43 Dr. Bruce Probably around that, yeah.

30:45 Adam He's a short guy?

30:46 Yeah. Probably about maybe 5'7, 5'8.

30:49 Adam But do you think he's taking laxatives or throwing up his food or anything?

30:57 I don't know. I really don't know. I think he pukes, actually.

31:01 Adam I think this is bogus. I just heard someone else pick up the phone.

31:04 Adam It's also a lot less common in meals.

31:08 Adam Here's the other thing.

31:09 Adam Sounds cool.

31:09 Adam Here's the thing. In general, if somebody's got a problem, a loved one, and you bring it up and they threaten to hit you, feel free to break up and head out. You're 18, you go to college, you don't have any kids, you dump them. It's real easy.

31:26 Adam Right. But she sounds very codependent. I mean, it's typical for somebody to stay in a relationship who's codependent and who's seeking out somebody to save. And that becomes their addiction. And so the question is, how can we help her?

31:37 Adam I didn't find her to have all that much credibility. So that's why I'm moving on.

31:41 Adam But believe me, it's a very serious problem. It's very common. And if you do know someone who you suspect has the problem based on their behavior, eating habits, personal history, what should you do?

31:52 Adam What should you send them to?

31:54 Adam Well, the problem, it's like doing an intervention sometimes, getting help for the person. They will sometimes react very aggressively against people that try to intervene. So it's sometimes going to a therapist or school counselor and getting some help and intervening is a complex problem. But never, never don't try and help.

32:15 Adam Rob?

32:16 Adam Yeah?

32:17 Adam You're 21?

32:18 Adam Hello?

32:22 Adam Oh, you have a Germany or Florida for us?

32:24 Yes, I do.

32:24 Adam Alright, go right ahead.

32:27 Okay, a guy goes into a computer store, buys a computer, takes it back the next day, and he says when he turned it on, it wouldn't turn on, and when he opened it up it was full of potatoes. He does this, you know, a couple times, and when he finally, store manager calls the cops, turns out he was taking the parts out of the computer and returning it with full of potatoes.

32:53 Adam Right. What do you think? You think this is the work of a German or Floridian?

32:59 Adam Floridian.

33:00 Adam You think of Florida? The potatoes smell of Germany, but the illegal part smacks of Florida.

33:08 Adam The average IQ in Germany, I don't think would allow such a preposterous.

33:11 Adam We're going Florida.

33:13 You're wrong. It was Germany.

33:15 Adam Oh, thank you. Bruce, I'm going to kill you. What's that, Rob?

33:19 You're still the man.

33:20 Adam Thank you, buddy. Never, ever, ever, ever listen to Bruce again. Mental note. Mental note that I say out loud verbally. Never, ever listen to Dr. Bruce again.

33:34 Adam Regarding German and Florida. Ever.

33:37 Adam I don't even know who's talking right now. Is that me? Is that still my subconscious? Because I'm giving myself a mental note. Mike?

33:46 Adam Yeah?

33:48 Adam You're 20?

33:49 Adam Yeah.

33:50 Adam Yeah. You know, when people say mental note, they really, they sort of nullify the whole mental note by their mouth moving, don't they? It's like something you could do. You could just think, you know? Right? Go ahead, Mike.

34:03 Dr. Bruce I was just wondering, when I have sex with my girlfriend, we've been dating for about a year and a half and it takes me within like five minutes to finish.

34:14 Caller I mean, I stay hard and everything.

34:15 Dr. Bruce She's not complaining because I stay hard and I don't like, she finishes and everything. But how can I, like, not come so fast? Is there any way?

34:24 Adam Well, let's see. Couple ways. Sometimes a condom can slow you down a little bit.

34:31 Dr. Bruce We wear condoms all the time.

34:34 Adam All righty.

34:35 Adam Masterbate before or more often?

34:38 Adam I don't know about more often, but I know before. How about you masturbate, let's say, an hour before the encounter?

34:46 Dr. Bruce An hour before?

34:48 Adam Make it an hour and ten. Well, I don't know, maybe a day before. How often do you beat off?

34:57 Dr. Bruce Well, right now, I can't really do anything with her because she's in Italy, but I beat off like twice a day right now.

35:04 Adam Twice a day. Good. I'd like to see that up in the four to five range.

35:08 Adam We're talking about in relationship to the relationship, so rather than what your personal masturbatory history is.

35:15 Caller When we're together is probably once or twice every three days.

35:23 Adam OK, here's the thing, too. Here's an interesting one. There is a position. All guys have a position that's sort of their sweet spot. You know, this is the one I get off in. You get out of that position. You'll be going for a half hour until you get back into that position. You know what I mean?

35:41 Adam If they maintain their erection in the other position.

35:44 Adam Yeah, if it's a kind of thing where it's like, well, the way you have your orgasm is you get on your back and you lock your legs out and she gets on top. Don't get in that position. You get doggy style or something where your knees are bent, you're down on the floor and you're in a weird position. You do that one, I call it the ironing board against the wall position where you just, the same thing I do when I'm at the urinal. I put my forehead against the wall. I put my feet about two feet away from it. I just straighten up like a board. I just lean up against it and I don't even move. No movement. Just pow. Just like you took a plank and just leaned it against the wall.

36:15 Adam But this is at the urinal though.

36:17 Adam That's at the urinal. Yeah. But I'm looking to come, you know, at the urinal. Yeah. That's what I do. You know, I go to the bathroom all the time. That's what I'm doing. Go ahead, Mike.

36:29 Dr. Bruce We've tried many positions. I mean, I've had like a two-year relationship before this and we're on one-and-a-half, a year-and-a-half now. I mean, I've looked on Kama Sutura, like websites and Cosmo and...

36:41 Adam Sure.

36:42 Dr. Bruce I've tried every position I can look at and...

36:44 Adam And you can have an orgasm in any one of those positions?

36:47 Dr. Bruce Oh, without a doubt. The most, ten minutes.

36:51 Adam Here's the other part then, the sad part. I put him on hold, but he can hear me, of life, which no one tells you about. That's just you. Right. Look, people who have bad skin, they have bad skin because they have bad skin, not because they eat chocolate. Guys who come in five minutes, come in five minutes, not because they're weak emotionally, not because of their schedule, not because of anything. It's because that's what they do. That's what they do. The same way guys can hit a ball 450 feet. Some guys snore, some guys don't. Some guys are tall, and some guys are short. There ain't a whole lot you can do about this. There are things you can do to not eff it up any worse. But other than that, eh.

37:35 Adam Yeah, sometimes the dynamics of the relationship. Yeah, but this is... You know, I... This is him. Well, there are individuals that will tell you that they were in a relationship like this, where they orgasm very quickly and then in another relationship. So you wonder maybe if the dynamics of the relationship...

37:52 Adam No, he doesn't everything. He doesn't know all of them.

37:54 Adam Right, so he's done that. It's happened before. And then there are people that say it's because he's circumcised, which he hasn't said that he is, but...

37:59 Adam There's a whole order. Here's the point. I would say try to squeeze one off an hour before that whatever. Other than that, you're having your orgasm, you're keeping your erection, she's having her orgasm. Everyone's happy.

38:12 Adam Or he'll get depressed. He'll be put on an SSRI and he won't be able to wear a gas mask.

38:16 Adam Well, you must start taking pills. You can do it pharmaceutically. Alright, we'll take a quick, but listen, everybody, I can't preach just enough. People that have big noses have big noses, people that have double chins have double chins, people with sweaty foreheads have sweaty foreheads, people with skinny legs have skinny legs, and it's not because of anything they ever did, except for being born. It really isn't.

38:39 Adam Right, there's a range of normal, and this is not abnormal.

38:42 Adam That's right, that's right, and we're, as a society, we're obsessed with fixing things that we really can't fix that much. And blaming, by the way, the fatso's are the ones with the big noses, are the ones with the mono-brows, not myself, I'm just saying, we're looking to point a finger at people who really don't have anything to do with their condition. We'll take a quick break, we'll be right back. Yeah, it's Adam, that's Dr. Bruce, you know, if Drew were here, he'd be rapping right now.

39:14 Adam Oh, I love that Drew rap.

39:15 Adam Yeah, that was, which Drew rap? This one?

39:18 Adam When he was on the puppet show.

39:21 Adam Oh, yeah. Yeah, puppet show. You mean Crank Yankers? Crank Yankers, right. Yeah, Tuesday Nights, Comedy Central. Plug. Yeah, I don't give enough plugs. Tuesday Night, Comedy Central, Crank Yankers. And then Drew and I are going to be out at Stanford University. I'm lecturing over at Stanford. That'll be on Wednesday. If you're in the area, you can come see us. I promise I will use the F word and not just say F. I will use the entire F word. So that's always a thrill. Let me tell you kids about a little something called Cabin Fever. You got to be 18 or older to participate in this, but as Dr. Bruce mentioned earlier, all callers who get on the air tonight are going to get a DVD of Cabin Fever with all the behind the scenes and all that kind of stuff. And then you will register to win a ski vacation for Four to Whistler, which Drew says is in Canada. Yeah. Anyway, it's going to include airfare and lift tickets and the cabin, where you may be eviscerated if it's anything like a movie. I don't know why you'd want to go into a cabin after seeing it. I guess if we were giving away Jaws, we'd just drop you out in the middle of the water, right?

40:42 Adam It's that kind of movie.

40:43 Adam Yeah, it'd be like, hey, watch Jaws, here's a houseboat.

40:46 Adam Is Drew snowboarding?

40:48 Adam No. He's just skiing. Drew would tell you how nice Whistler is. I said, ironically, he's skiing right now.

40:55 Adam In Utah?

40:56 Adam In Utah. Drew likes to ski.

40:59 Adam It's a family place to ski.

41:00 Adam Yes. I went skiing one time with somebody else's family. And I got this scar on the bridge of my nose.

41:09 Adam Ski pole or ski?

41:11 Adam Actual ski. Going down the mountain, got into a little accident with another skier. Everything was fine. And then when we were trying to untangle ourselves, the person whipped their leg up. And the butt part of the ski, the back part of the ski just, pow, caught me straight in the bridge of the nose. And you know how much the face bleeds, don't you, Bruce? Blood just pouring down my face as I was making my way down the hill to the ski hospital.

41:40 Adam Being a good boxer, though, you're used to that. You probably just...

41:42 Adam It didn't bother me. No. It didn't bother me. Although I was a lad, I was probably 15 or 16. Never did get stitches, and that's probably why it left the scar. Yeah, well, we'll talk about that. Sometimes it's much more noticeable than others. Now, who are we talking to, Amanda? You're 20?

42:03 Caller Yes, I am.

42:04 Adam What's up?

42:05 Caller Nothing. How are you guys doing tonight?

42:06 Adam Great.

42:07 Caller Okay, here's my question. I need to clear my conscience. I was with a guy for about four years, and truthfully, he used to come in me a lot. I got pregnant in March of last year, but when I found out I was pregnant, they dated it back to a week that me and him weren't sleeping together, and I cheated on him with one guy.

42:31 Adam You stinking whore!

42:35 Caller Okay, so my question is, how likely is it to get pregnant from pre-camp? Because the other guy I was with, we were only together for about a minute before he pulled out, so he didn't actually, we didn't actually have sex or orgasm.

42:48 Adam That's an enthusiastic man. Oh, you mean...

42:51 Caller Well, no, I stopped it.

42:52 Adam So you gave him like three and a half pumps, and then you said, no, I can't?

42:57 Caller Yeah, basically.

42:58 Adam Let me just finish you off at the BJ. Yes? Okay, sure.

43:03 Caller That's about how a third of the...

43:04 Adam A third of the conscience got to her, so she just finished off at the BJ. God bless the women of today. Okay, so he didn't have an orgasm...

43:15 Caller No, he didn't...

43:16 Adam .until you finished him with the BJ.

43:18 Caller Yes.

43:18 Adam Yeah. That's all right. But there could be some... Okay, so here's what we found out about the pre-cum, as we call it. With sperm. Well, they say it is, but then they came out with some stuff later that said, well, maybe not. And they didn't seem to know. Again, you're the doctor, but please shut the hell up. The... evidently some guys... maybe it varies from guy to guy, yes?

43:48 Adam Of course. And from how much ejaculation they've had at that time, what time of day, and how warm or cold they keep their testicles, all kinds of things, will influence the number of sperm in pre-cum.

44:00 Adam Right. But... So it's fair to say that some guys have more sperm in their pre-cum than others do. And we don't know which one this guy was, and this guy's definitely...

44:11 Adam He's a guy with a lot of sperm in there. Yeah, and bring... you know, every girl that gets pregnant can bring that study to the abortion clinic or, you know, through a pregnancy. You just don't know. And the point is there are a lot, a lot of people that have this... it sounds like a man to surprise, to the point of wondering how this could have happened, and yet I know...

44:27 Adam Well, no, I think she wants to know if it's this guy's...

44:30 Adam Of course.

44:31 Caller Yeah. I put my boyfriend through a lot, because I basically told him it was his. I didn't give him the option that it could have been another guy.

44:37 Adam Okay, so how long ago was this?

44:39 Caller This was in March of last year.

44:42 Adam So you had an abortion?

44:43 Caller And I had an abortion in May.

44:45 Adam Oh, okay.

44:46 Adam But this is like a radio confessional here, and you want to sort of purge yourself of guilt.

44:52 Adam All right, well, let me let me say this. How about this? For anyone who feels guilty about anything they've ever done, and feels badly about something they did, instead of apologizing, why don't you go to some homeless shelter and volunteer for a day? You know, work it off.

45:10 Adam Yeah.

45:10 Adam You know, I mean, look, sometimes you can't repay the person that you wronged, like your boyfriend. I don't know if there's any way you can make it up to him. I don't know if you want to tell him. Right. I don't know if you should tell him. But you have a sort of karma debt to be paid, and instead of just burning calories trying to make peace with it inside your own head, once you just go down and hand out some ladle out some slop to some bearded Alkes down at Skid Row for a month, or, you know, get.

45:48 Adam In the mentoring program, or go to Big Brother. Continue to feel guilt. Guilt's not bad if you address, hey, I feel guilty. Why do I feel guilty? I did something wrong. I need to do something. I either confess or make amends in some way. But it's the people that have no guilt and couldn't care less. You wish you could have some miracle cure for them so that they could suddenly have conscience and want to do something about what they did. I'm just wondering with Amanda, is she still with the guy that she cheated on or?

46:14 Adam No, no, don't care. I don't care.

46:16 Adam Okay, so...

46:17 Adam Yeah, she is with that guy. She got back with him.

46:19 Adam So I'm wondering if that's affecting the relationship now or...

46:21 Adam Well, we gotta take a break.

46:23 Adam Oh.

46:23 Adam So screw you.

46:24 Adam I really want to know.

46:25 Adam Well, you're not gonna find out. Obviously, it is a little bit. We'll take a... Just shut up, will you? We'll take a break. We'll be back. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Bruce. Dr. Bruce, dear, dear, dear friend of the show, filling in for Dr. Drew, by the way, who's skiing.

46:47 Adam Mm-hmm.

46:48 Adam Mm-hmm. All right. Let's go back to the phones, phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1, Dr. Bruce, board certified addiction medicine specialist, emergency medicine specialist, also a specialist in the use of the laser for the tattoo and the skin rejuvenation, really a much better doctor than Dr. Drew.

47:08 Adam Can I talk now?

47:09 Adam Yeah.

47:10 Adam Go ahead.

47:11 Adam Yeah, that's good. You know you're better than Drew. Drew doesn't know anything. I've talked to Drew a minute. I'm right whenever we get into these arguments. Drew over there, big worry ward. Somebody said Jewish mother, he's not a doctor. Stacey?

47:24 Hi there.

47:25 Adam What's happening?

47:27 I have actually two questions and that's okay with you.

47:29 Adam All right.

47:31 Is that fine?

47:32 Adam Hurry.

47:33 Caller First question. I recently got my nipple kissed in September, I believe it was September the 8th and I've noticed that it's healed already, but it's kind of like lactating a little bit. And I heard that women who have had kids will still lactate even after. My son is already going to be four, but it's kind of like pussing out a little bit, but it doesn't hurt like at all at all. But it's kind of like, it looks like the way breast milk does, but a bit more with a creamier substance.

48:11 Adam You can lactate just from, there's a thing called prolactin that your brain produces that is the hormone that increases and causes lactation, but you can have lactation just from a little bit of stimulation or irritation of the nipple.

48:27 Caller As a matter of fact, my OBGYN told me that.

48:32 Adam And then you also, there's a discharge that the nipple produces that's normal for it to be there. You may have it more or less, one person to the next. The signs of infection are redness, increased warmth, and an increasing discharge. And how long have you had this kind of a crusty discharge?

48:53 Caller No, it doesn't hurt. It doesn't feel red. It doesn't feel warm. It's been doing that since September of last year.

49:00 Adam How long have you had the nipple ring?

49:01 Caller Since September of last year. It doesn't hurt at all. I've pulled it back with my sweater sometimes.

49:08 Adam All right, hold on.

49:10 Adam So you have a normal discharge. Maybe it's blocking.

49:13 Adam Let me float a theory here. First off, listen, mamas, your nipple piercing days are behind you. That was before you cranked out the kid. Okay, number one. Number two, if you can take a nipple, irritate it and or stimulate it and get it to produce some milk in some cases, especially when somebody has a young child, then it stands to reason if you put a nipple piercing in it and it was rubbing against the bra or the sweater or whatever, that that could create enough stimulation or slash irritation to produce the milk, right?

49:52 Adam Right. If that's the situation, when you put any kind of a foreign body in or a piercing, you develop a scar tissue around it, so it just depends on how much movement there is. But yeah, absolutely right. I was thinking the same thing when she was talking.

50:10 Adam So what should you do?

50:12 Adam I wouldn't worry about an infection, although having not seen it, I should never say that, but remove the rings is what I would do. Because like you said, mama. Yeah, she's a mom.

50:23 Adam Take the ring out for the kid gets a shot of it and you freak them out. Someone wants to hear praise on me. Will?

50:31 Hey.

50:32 Adam Hey, Will. You're 27. What's up?

50:35 Caller Hey, this is quite an honor, man.

50:38 Adam Why? Thank you, Will.

50:40 Caller Yeah, I've been listening to this show for like eight years, but this past five years, I mean, every every time you're on.

50:47 Adam Well, it says here you were in the joint for a number of years. Yeah.

50:52 Caller So about about the only entertainment that we had.

50:55 Adam Do they let you listen to the radio?

50:58 Caller Well, you actually have to buy one. The other $5 AM FM radios and they sell them for 30 bucks.

51:05 Adam And you plug them into your inside your cell?

51:08 Caller Well, you know, they're little battery operated personal radios.

51:11 Adam I see. And so you can listen to the show at night? Yeah. Now, what time do they have a lights? What time is lights out?

51:19 Caller Well, they at SRCI, they make you turn out your lights at, you know, it's a recall at 10 o'clock.

51:26 Adam Now, what's recall mean?

51:28 Caller Well, recall means everyone to their cells.

51:31 Caller Okay.

51:31 Adam Everyone to the cell and then we're shutting the lights.

51:34 Caller You got to be in. Otherwise, you know, you're unauthorized area and you're going to the hole.

51:38 Caller Right.

51:38 Adam Now, if you want to read a magazine in your cell and you have a reading light, can you just do that for an hour?

51:45 Caller Well, yeah, you know, you can actually, you actually don't have to turn, you know, they turn out the lights in the units, you know, in the cells the lights have to be on because they still have to do two more accounts.

51:56 Adam I see.

51:57 Caller Then about 1130 they shut out, they shut off your main lights in your cell and you still have the security lights.

52:03 Adam Will, did you suffer any retribution for being an Adam Carolla fan while in prison? I mean, were there any persecutions?

52:08 Caller Well, actually, you'd be surprised how many of them are. I mean, everyone's walking around going good times, bad times, you know.

52:13 Adam Right. I was sort of a rhetorical question on my part is I suspected that that, not that you're in that element necessarily, but that maybe the more criminal element would have Adam for a role model. That's what I thought.

52:26 Adam That's right.

52:26 Caller I mean, he is the man.

52:29 Caller What were you...

52:32 Caller Yeah, you're still the man, too, there, Anderson.

52:35 Adam What were you in for, Will?

52:37 Caller Well, you see, I was actually driving through Oregon. Me and my girlfriend and we were actually kind of doing a little scenic route. I was actually heading to my mom's house up in Montana. And we stopped at this bar and, you know, to have some lunch. Actually, it's more like a late dinner, but close enough. And my girlfriend was heading to the bathroom and this drunk little guy started mouthing off to her, said something that she didn't like. She never actually told me what he said. And she slapped him across the face. So he pulled out this, like, boot knife or whatever the hell it was, started coming at her.

53:13 Adam Wow.

53:14 Caller Yeah, and so I jumped up and basically handled his ass.

53:19 Adam And now did he die?

53:21 Caller Well, no. I mean, I knocked him unconscious. But, you know, I mean, he stabbed me, like, three times. I had, like, stitches on my hand. And I got, like, a cut on my wrist.

53:29 Adam This is what happened in Con Air, by the way. I don't know if they show that film on a movie night.

53:37 Caller Well, no, actually not. It would be funny if they showed it as a prison theme.

53:41 Adam Nothing but prison theme, where there's caged heat and concrete jungle and all those, like, great escape...

53:47 Caller Those are beautiful, beautiful films, by the way...

53:48 Adam .all those great escape movies and the lockdown and all that stuff. Now, here's the thing. You must have had some priors, Will.

53:56 Caller Well, you see, Oregon has this fun thing called mandatory minimums, you know, measure 11.

54:02 Adam Yeah.

54:02 Caller And they felt that they were giving me a slap on the wrist by giving me five years rather than 70 or 90 months. Right. Because they said I was so much bigger than him that I could have just disarmed him, and then I could have stopped hitting him before he was rendered unconscious.

54:19 Adam Right. Well, maybe they had a point. But the point is, is he pulled a knife on your woman and you jumped in and you had no weapon?

54:28 Caller Yeah, exactly.

54:29 Adam Well, I feel outrage for you, Will.

54:32 Adam By the way, you must have horrible representation.

54:35 Caller Well, they don't call public pretenders dump trucks all around in the joint for no reason.

54:42 Adam Yeah, that just sounds like a disaster. Well, listen, God bless you, Will. You're on the outside now.

54:48 Adam Sounds like a nice guy.

54:50 Adam You can get back to your life. Yeah, remember in Con Air. That's what happened. What's his name?

54:58 Adam He came home.

54:59 Adam He came home from the military.

55:01 Adam Was that Nicolas Cage?

55:02 Adam Nicolas Cage.

55:03 Adam Great movie.

55:04 Adam Yeah, if you like gay porn. If you love gay porn, you're going to love John Woo. Lots of shots of guys with their shirts off walking in slow motion down tarmacs with the heat rising up above it. Yeah, it's good jacking if you're a gay guy. It's great. Oh, yeah, face off, broken arrow. Great. Some of the most expensive gay porn I've seen in the theaters.

55:32 Adam Did I say I hated that movie?

55:34 Adam Oh, that sucks. That stuff's crap. Well, here's what I like. Here's what they have to do. We haven't talked about this in a while, but it's Sunday night. I'm going to move to Gab. Bad movie making, which is this happens every once in a while. Guy has to go to prison, but yet somehow he's the hero. So how do you make this guy go to prison? He's our hero. Well, here's how you do it. He shows up at some bar, he says he's going to get his old lady, just wants to leave. Some bikers surround him. People tell him, you're not going anywhere. He makes the announcement, I don't want any trouble. He tries to walk out in the parking lot. The biker gives the famous, you found trouble, lunges at him with a knife. Next thing you know, he turns the knife on the guy and the guy lands on it. Then it's the judge's gavel. Murder won! And then you're sitting around going, well, how'd this guy get murder when everyone in the bar heard him announce he didn't want any trouble and walk outside and then the biker followed him with his stiletto. And now he's going in the joint. What they really ought to do, what they really ought to do, if they were ballsy enough, is make the guy a human being, have him get drunk at the bar, drive home like in the rain, and clip some kid on a bicycle. Now you got vehicular manslaughter, now you're going in the joint. You see, that makes you a human being.

57:01 Adam Not a good movie, though.

57:03 Adam Well, like I said, if you like... What could happen to Will?

57:06 Adam Poor Will.

57:06 Adam If you like gay porn, you're going to love John Woo. That's what he does. He does a lot of guys walking in slow motion with no shirts on. Listen, I don't know if John Woo is gay. Anderson, he has to be, doesn't he?

57:22 Caller I don't know what I've been saying. He's Asian, that's all I know.

57:26 Adam He must have some sort of fetish for the American male actors or something. He's got to be gay, because who else would have the idea? Hey, fellas, everyone, take your shirts off. Yeah, now rub yourself down with Vaseline. Now, walk in slow motion. Oh, no, wait a minute, we'll slow it down. You just walk. And put the reflective cop glasses on, too. I'm going to beat off to that when I get home.

57:46 Caller It's funny you say gay porn, because I've been saying that about that guy for a long time. If you were to play his entire films, like, in regular motion without the slow motion, they'd be like maybe 50 minutes long.

57:55 Adam Yeah. I don't know. What are all the John Woo movies, Anderson, beside John?

57:58 Caller Like Hard Boiled, Face Off, Broken Arrow. What was his last one?

58:04 Adam They took the guy's face. See, Bruce, it's like if you took my face and you cut it off me and you put it on engineer Chris, he could go home and eff my wife. She would never know.

58:15 Caller I walked out of the movie on the third ending.

58:19 Adam You took Anderson's face, you put it on mine, I could go back to his apartment and beat off? I gotta work that out. The point is, you're not gonna take Bruce's face and put it on my face and then he's gonna go home and my wife's gonna be like, Oh, do you have a tough guy? Oh, that Bruce was a pain in the ass. Please. This man makes gay porn. Let somebody stop John Woo from making movies, please.

58:44 Adam Did I say I like Con Air?

58:45 Adam Oh, Con Air, face off, please.

58:47 Adam I never saw that.

58:50 Adam He's gotta be gay.

58:52 Caller He has to be gay.

58:53 Adam What's that?

58:53 Caller Paycheck with Ben Affleck right now. I'm sure it's a winner show.

58:57 Adam Oh, yeah, that sounds like a real beauty. Well, you know, Ben Affleck can't make a bad movie.

59:01 Adam No. Is this his third in a row?

59:03 Adam Yeah, I think Paycheck is just more slow motion gay porn. Look into John Woo, Anderson, find out if he likes the fellas, because it's all gonna come into focus for me if he's into the last.

59:14 Adam That's gonna be great for Anderson's career.

59:16 Adam All right. Jennifer?

59:19 Yes?

59:20 Adam You're 18?

59:21 Caller Yeah.

59:22 Adam What's up?

59:23 Caller Okay, I'm having a problem figuring out if I'm gay or not. I had a recent boyfriend who got irritated with me because I wouldn't want to have sex with him when he wanted to, and just when I do it, it just seems disgusting.

59:40 Adam All right. Well, we ever molested or raped or anything?

59:44 Yeah.

59:45 Adam You were?

59:45 Yes.

59:46 Adam Who did this to you?

59:48 Caller Two of my step-grandfathers and my father.

59:50 Uh-uh.

59:52 Adam Did you have any kind of...

59:54 Adam Wait a minute. Two step-grandfathers and your dad? You were molested by three guys?

1:00:02 Yes.

1:00:04 Adam That's enough to scramble even the...

1:00:10 Adam 7-Eleven.

1:00:11 Adam Where are you working?

1:00:13 I work at a gas station.

1:00:15 Adam Uh-huh. Is that to change?

1:00:18 Yep.

1:00:21 Adam Yeah. You know what a big shot I am now when they shove stuff... If you're in the Los Angeles area and you go into a gas station, you want to buy stuff, they have to ram it into a drawer, through a slot, or something like that. It's a great message to send society that we'll just deal with everyone through 3-inch thick, ballistic glass. But I'm such a big shot, I'll leave the nickel in the slot as I walk away. Know what I'm saying? Not the quarters. I'm big time. Oh, hell no. Not the quarters. But you're... Wait, where is she calling from? You're calling from Baltimore?

1:00:55 Caller Yeah, Baltimore Island.

1:00:56 Adam You got that thick glass in front of you? Good.

1:01:00 Caller I like dealing with the people. I don't like having the glass there. So it's kind of weird for me. I'm used to working in the deli and stuff and dealing with people and talking to them.

1:01:08 Adam Sure. Alright, so listen here, Jennifer. You've been through a lot. Right. And when you've been through as much as you've been through, it's really hard to tell what you would have been because you've been changed so much by these horrible life altering events. So you will be confused, to say the least. Now what you've got to do is get some therapy or some counseling or join a group or something and work out some of this stuff because there's no way you can get through what you've been through without a little help. Right.

1:01:40 Adam And paradoxically, without a lot of work and help, you're going to find a guy that's going to be a victimizer like these men were in your life. And naturally you're going to feel more comfortable with a nurturing woman, but that's probably not where the healthy relationship is going to lie. So until you really, it's a long process and it's a lot of work and it's painful, but if you get some therapy and you understand what you have to do and what the issues are, it takes time, but just to move into a gay relationship with that kind of a history, it's not going to be successful either.

1:02:13 Adam Speaking of gay relationship, you see that kind of air?

1:02:17 Caller Talk about gay.

1:02:20 Adam I don't know how come no reviewer ever describes these flaming turds known as John Woo movies as gay porn, but it seems blatantly obvious through the same straight heterosexuals that are watching the movies.

1:02:37 Adam Anderson has clarity.

1:02:40 Caller But I liked Hardboiled as one of his first films.

1:02:43 Adam Well now who did Snake Eyes?

1:02:46 Caller No, that's good. That's Brian De Palma.

1:02:48 Adam Oh, that's good. I never saw Snake Eyes.

1:02:50 Caller That's good and it has no slow motion and if it does, the shirts are on.

1:02:54 Adam Okay. I was thinking Nick Cage.

1:02:57 Caller You'd like it, I think.

1:02:58 Adam But we got Face Off, which is again, like I said, the premise. All they got to do is cut your face off, lay it over my face, and then I can go to the prison and do tattoo removal. No questions asked. You put my face onto your head, you go home and ask my wife.

1:03:18 Caller Mission Impossible 2, same thing.

1:03:20 Adam Oh, Mission Impossible 2, yeah. A lot of pulling off the faces real fast. All right, you ready to roll here?

1:03:27 Adam I'm ready. You're very tangential tonight.

1:03:32 Hi.

1:03:33 Adam You're 18?

1:03:34 Caller Yes.

1:03:35 Adam Yeah.

1:03:35 Caller I have a question about tattoo removal.

1:03:37 Caller All right.

1:03:39 Caller Okay, I got a tattoo a couple years ago. And the guy who did it, it wasn't done at a shop, but he was a professional. He had all the equipment and stuff. And when he did it, it's all splotchy, and he missed some spots. And he just used blue and green, and I wanted color, but he didn't want to use color since it was free. And I want it removed. So I need to know how much it's going to cost, and if there's any problems, I'll leave a big scar or anything like that.

1:04:10 Adam Well, where is it? Yeah, where is it?

1:04:14 Caller It's on the left-hand side, kind of in my groin, kind of hip area. I don't know how to describe it. It's down by my hip, kind of.

1:04:21 Adam Well, I've got a mental picture of it. But okay, don't do the same thing with the removal that you did with getting the tattoo. You know, the guys are professional, but...

1:04:30 Caller No, I won't.

1:04:32 Adam What's the tat of?

1:04:33 Caller It's a Hawaiian flower.

1:04:36 Adam Oh, classy.

1:04:37 Adam Can you tell it's a Hawaiian flower at this point?

1:04:39 Caller Not really, no.

1:04:41 Adam Well, seriously, the lasers that are used today for tattoo removal are very safe. The downside is it takes time. You have it done once every four to eight weeks, and it's an average of eight sessions. Right. Now, your chances of scarring are related to your chances of scarring from anything that disrupts the skin. If you've had stitches before, most people don't have a problem with scarring with tattoo removal. It's very rare, unless, again, the operator doesn't know what he's doing. But the areas that are the most sensitive are generally the breast, the outer arms.

1:05:19 Adam Are there tattoo removal, laser tattoo removals in every city now?

1:05:24 Adam Oh, yeah.

1:05:25 Adam Do you open the phone book?

1:05:27 Adam Open the phone book. You know, seeing a board certified internist or dermatologist or plastic surgeon, interestingly enough, the majority of these type of lasers are sold to family practitioners, general practitioners, and interns.

1:05:40 Adam What do these things run, the procedure? Per session? Per square inch? What do they go by?

1:05:47 Adam Both ways. They're done both ways. In our area here, and generally, it goes about, for a square inch area, each treatment is going to run about $7,500. Two square inches, $100, $150.

1:06:00 Adam Okay, so if you have...

1:06:02 Adam Business card size area, about $100 to $150 each time it's done.

1:06:07 Adam Times eight.

1:06:08 Adam Right.

1:06:08 Adam So if you have a business card size tat, does it have to be of a business card or just that size?

1:06:15 Adam Just that size.

1:06:16 Adam So it wouldn't have a fax number or something on there?

1:06:19 Adam No.

1:06:20 Adam Okay, like sales wrapper.

1:06:20 Adam It would be less expensive for business card size printing, because you go by the actual amount of ink.

1:06:25 Adam Right, so business size card tattoo that was filled with ink would take about eight sessions and might cost $750, $800 to remove.

1:06:34 Adam Right, and there are people that will say, okay, as much as you can stand in 15 minutes for $150, I've heard variations on the theme.

1:06:45 Adam Stuff will go down as the lasers become more prevalent, right?

1:06:50 Adam What's that?

1:06:50 Adam The price will come down.

1:06:52 Adam Well, I don't think so, because it's not how powerful a laser is.

1:06:56 Adam I know, but as more people get lasers, the market will be saturated. Bruce hopes not. He wants to be the only guy in town with the magical laser. So here's the thing. It's not cheap, but the old way of removing a tat used to be just to cut it out. I would see guys who had a scar on the side of their arm that really looked like they were burned badly. And it would be like, what the hell happened? I got my tat removed.

1:07:26 Adam Right. Well, there were lasers that were almost like Star Wars continuous beam lasers where you'd hit the ink and the skin and everything would go. And you'd have an actual wound.

1:07:36 Adam I'm talking about 15, 20 years ago. They would just cut it out or something.

1:07:41 Adam Yeah, well, it's a disaster.

1:07:43 Adam Let's thank God for the lasers. All right. Shall we take a break here, Bruce?

1:07:49 Adam Then we'll come back. Dad's an alcoholic. And she wants to know what her risks of alcohol is more.

1:07:55 Adam Yeah. That seems boring.

1:07:56 Adam Maybe we should give her a better one. Let's talk about... Oh, this is a great one. We have a gal that's feeling really guilty because she hooked up with her boyfriend. That sounds normal to me. That's not very exciting either.

1:08:10 Adam Jesus F, bro.

1:08:11 Adam Oh, she caught her boyfriend masturbating. That's a good one. Why does he do it?

1:08:15 Adam All right. All after this.

1:08:17 Caller Yes.

1:08:29 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Bruce. Dr. Bruce, filling in for Dr. Drew.

1:08:36 Adam So who produced that Con Air movie?

1:08:38 Adam The director. Brockeheimer, yeah, it's not John Woo.

1:08:43 Caller Brockeheimer.

1:08:43 Adam He told me during the break, so we have a correction to make. I still stand by my gay porn. Well, there's your John Woo, but that is not-

1:08:53 Caller Big John Woo fan, obviously.

1:08:54 Adam Yeah, those aren't amongst his credits.

1:08:57 Adam I think you and Anderson are this sort of phobia of seeing men's naked upper bodies on film. Everybody's gay. That's-

1:09:05 Adam No, I'm just- I'm personally tired of really crappy movies like Face Off that people think are decent movies. They're so far-fetched that they just become ridiculous. I don't know how you're supposed to-

1:09:20 Adam How about Terminator?

1:09:22 Adam Ah, that's good. That's a good movie.

1:09:24 Adam So, far-fetched is obviously a very nebulous definition.

1:09:28 Adam Well, here's the thing. I can't tell you that 500 years from now there's not going to be some sort of machine thing that goes bad. I can tell you that when Jim Carrey's kid makes a wish that he can't lie anymore at a birthday party, that's not going to prevent Jim Carrey from lying. I can't tell you what's going to be going on 500 years from now or whenever the future was. Maybe it's 50 years from now. But just like, I'm sure people the turn of the century could have never pictured commercial airplanes doing what they do now.

1:10:06 Adam How about the commercial airplane in Con Air flying down the Las Vegas Strait?

1:10:12 Adam Janelle? Hello?

1:10:15 Hello?

1:10:16 Adam You're 19?

1:10:17 Caller Yep.

1:10:18 Adam What's up?

1:10:20 Caller Well, about a year ago I walked into my boyfriend masturbating watching some porn and it bothered me.

1:10:29 Adam What kind of porn? Does he have a theme?

1:10:32 Caller No, nothing specific really.

1:10:35 Adam Good.

1:10:36 Caller Yeah, and I'm just wondering if it's a normal thing, is it normal for me to be bothered by it? It's not the masturbation that bothers me, it's the pornography that bothers me.

1:10:48 Adam Now, is it that he's looking and being sort of eroticizing other women this way in his mind? Alright, well, we'll figure this out in one second. Have you, let's see, were you ever exposed to any pornography when you were younger?

1:11:09 Caller When I was younger? No, not before my time or anything, no.

1:11:14 Adam Alright, did your dad cheat on your mom or was he a bad dad?

1:11:17 Caller No, no, no, he's an amazing father.

1:11:21 Adam Do you come from a family where there are a lot of, you go to church, is there a moral value system that would judge pornography as wrong or bad?

1:11:30 Caller No, no, not at all.

1:11:31 Adam So it's some, but when you guys, when you and your boyfriend are having sex, you ever watch pornography or anything like that?

1:11:40 Caller We have, maybe twice, and that was after I found out that he was watching it, and I thought, okay, well, I feel more comfortable if we were to watch it together. And that I was all right with. And he had told me he wasn't going to watch it anymore. And then I found out about a month ago that he was, and he had been lying to me about it for like over a year.

1:12:00 Adam Yeah, well, look, okay, here's the deal. No guy is, I don't know, how old is your boyfriend?

1:12:08 Caller He's 20.

1:12:09 Adam It is physically impossible for him to stop watching porn. That ship has sailed on the Scrotum Sea a long time ago. The barn doors are open. The balls are out of the barn. I don't know what other cliché I can destroy. But the point is, is there's no going back. Not at 20. It's impossible. Now, if you're the kind of person who says, you know, I'm uncomfortable with this, then he'll do what any logical guy who's obviously can't stop watching the pornography is going to do. He'll say, OK, I'll stop. And then he'll do it until your car pulls up in the driveway, in which case he'll stop. This is what guys do. And by the way, this is what everybody does who's doing something that they rationalize is not hurting their spouse or them. And this is sort of, I'm going to keep the relationship running smooth. And I know you take it as disrespectful, but this is just what any guy would do. Ninety-nine percent of guys would do this.

1:13:12 Caller OK, so is it normal for me to be bothered by it, though? Or should I not be?

1:13:16 Caller Let me tell you something.

1:13:17 Adam This is classic. And in many, you know, just as Adam says, it's universal that guys are going to want to look at porn. And if it bothers the girlfriend, hide it even more. It's just as universal for women to be initially at least threatened by the porn or want their boyfriends to stop. Now, I have to say that there are individuals that develop an addiction to porn. It becomes like a drug. And any kind of sexual activity, whether it's with another person or with pornography, in which it's used to stimulate a certain part of the brain, if it's something that you do for a certain kind of thrill, it can develop into an addiction.

1:13:58 Caller Right, because he says it's not the girls, it's just a different kind of thing. Like our sex is stinky. I know there's no problem there.

1:14:06 Adam There goes the FCC. How much is that?

1:14:09 Adam She's had to drop the F word. Okay, here's what I'm getting at. I put her on hold. I've not spoken to any women on this show that once you trace it back a little bit, there's not some issue involving exploitation or men or something that creeps in. And Janelle doesn't seem as caught up or as angry as many of our callers are. Janelle. No use in profanity. Okay, so I just want to make sure you love your dad, you were never molested, you don't have any issues. You were molested. Who molested? Your cousin. How old were you?

1:14:56 Caller I was 12 years old, 12 or 13.

1:14:59 Adam Was it an ongoing thing or was it caught?

1:15:02 Caller It was a one-time thing.

1:15:03 Adam How old was your cousin?

1:15:06 Caller He was a lot older, he was in his 20s.

1:15:12 Adam And did he have sex with you?

1:15:14 Caller No.

1:15:16 Adam And did you report him or anything?

1:15:19 Caller Well, I told eventually it kind of got out because it happened with another one of my cousins. And so it eventually got out and my parents knew and it was dealt with by family. He was basically forced to seek help before he was considered part of the family again.

1:15:35 Adam Yeah, so that's pretty traumatic. And there is, I was about to say, usually there's feelings of exploitation that creep in here and you were exploited by this criminal. But look, here's the thing, Janelle. Your boyfriend will lie if you put him in a position to lie. It's disrespectful. You're not going to get him to stop. Put it this way. If he's a good boyfriend and he's present with you and he's good when you're making love and everything's fine, then let him do whatever he wants. If you feel like this is hurting your relationship other than the part where you told him to stop and he didn't, then make an issue out of it. What do you say to that?

1:16:25 Adam Yeah, I think really she needs to come to terms with it. And I think the part about there's some, what of a universality in terms of men masturbating, fantasizing, and in some cases using pornography, I think for her to accept that and then look at what's going on in the relationship. If all of a sudden she says, okay, you know, it's none of my business what you do, but she's looking at the quality of the relationship. If things start to move away from the intimacy between them and he's more and more into the pornography, then there's an issue. And we're not sure that's not the case.

1:16:58 Adam All right. Stop busting us balls. And listen, if you got molested when you're 12 by your 20-something-year-old cousin, a little therapy would be nice.

1:17:09 Adam Well, I'd assume she had therapy when it was... We never know. She sounds fairly well-adjusted. She sounds like she wants to know what's going on.

1:17:15 Adam Thank you. Yes, she does. Brian?

1:17:18 Dr. Bruce Yes.

1:17:19 Adam You're 22.

1:17:21 Dr. Bruce Yes.

1:17:22 Adam You got your 14-year-old girlfriend pregnant?

1:17:24 Dr. Bruce Yes.

1:17:25 Adam Why do you have a 14-year-old girlfriend?

1:17:29 Dr. Bruce Well, she's really, really mature. And she see no problem with it, and I see no problem with it. Our friends...

1:17:37 Adam Well, here's the problem. You know, when you ask an 8th grader if they have a problem with something, they don't have a problem with a lot of things that adults have problems with. That's why they're called minors.

1:17:52 Adam If she seems comfortable with sex and seems real mature, it means that she's had sexual abuse.

1:18:01 Adam But here's the thing, why stop the party? You know, I mean her uncle, a molester, why not young Brian slide in and keep the train a-rollin?

1:18:12 Adam Unfortunately, you're in the situation where by any standard you're an abuser. You're a perpetrator. And you're in a bad situation because I assume it's illegal in Oklahoma for a 14-year-old. There's no consensual sex of 14. Well, I guess maybe there isn't.

1:18:33 Adam And now she's pregnant?

1:18:35 Dr. Bruce Yes.

1:18:37 Adam And so, yeah, what do you do? Something with metal?

1:18:42 Adam What do you mean?

1:18:43 Adam What do you do for a living?

1:18:45 Dr. Bruce Oh, I work at a garage at an auto parts store.

1:18:50 Adam I was thinking transmissions for some reason when I was talking to Brian. I was thinking metal cars. All right. So and she is in school?

1:19:01 Dr. Bruce Yes.

1:19:03 Adam And what grade? At junior high?

1:19:05 Dr. Bruce She's in 10th.

1:19:07 Adam 10th grade?

1:19:08 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

1:19:08 Adam At 14?

1:19:11 Adam How far along is she?

1:19:14 Adam You have to be jumped up a few grades, wouldn't you?

1:19:16 Dr. Bruce I don't know. I don't know why she's in the 10th grade.

1:19:21 Adam She's not in the 10th grade.

1:19:23 Adam It's usually 9th grade when you're 14, I think.

1:19:25 Adam Ninth and 15 too. She ain't no 14 and in the 10th grade unless she got pushed ahead.

1:19:33 Dr. Bruce She's going to be 15 very soon.

1:19:36 Adam Oh, man. That's going to be a good day. So now you got her pregnant. Now here's the thing. Here's the thing that borders on retardism, Brian, which is you're taking a big enough chance at banging a 14-year-old when you're 22, but doing it without protection. Aren't you just asking for trouble?

1:19:53 Dr. Bruce Well, I used protection, but evidently it did not work. I used the condom and the instructions aren't exactly hard, so I'm pretty sure I did it right.

1:20:06 Adam All right, well now it says up here that her dad's a cop.

1:20:10 Dr. Bruce Yes, and her dad's a cop and he kind of scares me a lot, and I don't think he really knows that we were going out, but we've been going out for a long time. They thought we were just really good friends, and I mean, I've always, you know, we've always been just messing around, really, we've never really had sex, we just, you know, mess around and stuff, and like I'll have clothes over there all the time, and her mom is like really religious, and I think she trusted me too much. I think she's kind of naive.

1:20:44 Adam Who trusted you too much? Her mom. Alright, hold on a second. There's an air of boguosity here, but on the other hand, it's religious mom and cop dad, and let me tell you, cops are nuts. They are nutty. Now listen, I know we got a lot of cops that listen to the show, and God bless you, you're doing the Lord's work, except for when you hand out the chicken ass tickets. You know who you are. Please, for Christ's sake, is that why you signed up? So you can just hand out the candy ass, chicken ass tickets?

1:21:18 Adam Well, Brian's going to have a much bigger problem than a chicken ass ticket. He's going to have a gun up his...

1:21:23 Adam Yeah, but cops are nutty guys. They're almost criminals. They just want that. That's the way they went. It's just like, here's how cops and criminals work. You know, the guys that are the gay bashers who are ultra-religious right-wing, or the guys that just like to go out and go into a fag bar and kick some ass on a weekend? Turns out when they hook the two-messence monitors up to these guys, Pepe's, and show them gay erotica, they're like John Woo. They get excited. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. So they're a little closer than they thought, and sometimes that's what causes you to do whatever. It's a very simple psychological equation. A lot of cops could have been on the other end of their billy club quite easily.

1:22:06 Adam Of course, there are people, I mean the same thing with ministers and people that you attack as being Christian.

1:22:13 Adam They're still doing good work. Except for the chicken-ass tickets. But they're doing good work and fine. That's good. That's taking an impulse that says I could easily be a criminal, but instead, I'm going the other way.

1:22:24 Adam Yeah.

1:22:25 Adam Alright. That does not mean that Young Brian will not get a, you know. Cops, by the way, and I don't know if you can take the law into your own hands when you are the law, but they will, they'll do that on occasion too.

1:22:37 Adam Yeah.

1:22:38 Adam Be a nice ass kicking coming Brian's way. Maybe Brian should...

1:22:42 Adam We need to talk to Brian.

1:22:43 Adam How about Brian convince her, can she get an abortion, Brian?

1:22:47 Adam What? At 14?

1:22:49 Adam Is she going to get an abortion?

1:22:53 Dr. Bruce I mean, I just work at a parts store. I really don't have a lot of money. And if her mom ever found out about that, I'm pretty sure she'd disown her because she's real religious. But if we don't get it, then that crazy nut of a dad that she has is going to start to notice stuff of the growing. Yeah, and then he'll probably come hunt me down or something.

1:23:17 Adam Something... This is bogus. I ain't buying it. I ain't buying it.

1:23:22 Adam Well, anyway...

1:23:23 Adam I'm buying Brian's voice. Brian, something's wrong with your voice. It's bogus. I'm smelling it.

1:23:30 Adam What do you mean?

1:23:31 Adam It's not happening.

1:23:33 Adam Well, if it is...

1:23:34 Adam No.

1:23:34 Adam If it is happening...

1:23:35 Adam It's not happening.

1:23:36 Adam He's in big trouble.

1:23:37 Adam I'm not Brian. It's not the story that I don't buy. It's Brian I don't buy.

1:23:42 Adam Well, let's just hypothetically say this is going on. First of all, she needs to get into therapy. She needs to see a doctor. He's going to be in the hospital. It's not just being pregnant like anybody else is pregnant, it's a high-risk situation.

1:23:54 Adam Really?

1:23:55 Adam Yeah. So medically, because 14, your body's not ready to be pregnant and you can have complications of pregnancy that you wouldn't get in later.

1:24:02 Adam All right. So what should he do?

1:24:03 Adam Well, she needs to get medical care right away. I don't know how far along she is, but...

1:24:08 Adam He works at Auto Parts Store. He's going to make her drink Prestone.

1:24:13 Adam Yeah. Well, no Prestone, no hangers. So, Brian, has she gotten to... Well, yeah, but... At 14, I don't know. She needs to get to a health professional. An OBGYN, a family practitioner, some entree into the health care system.

1:24:33 Adam You have a Planned Parenthood somewhere around there. Open the phone book, find Planned Parenthood and go down there. Take it from there.

1:24:42 Adam Yeah, because if this is really happening, you know, there are very serious issues. You're going to have to deal with, in your life, you've done something that you obviously don't have the ability to comprehend the full scope of what's happened, what you've done. And I'm more concerned with her. And she, you have fears about the pregnancy in terms of her getting kicked out of the house, very unrealistic understanding of the situation. She needs to see somebody like tomorrow that's a professional, a counselor, somebody that will know where to steer her.

1:25:13 Adam What do you sell at the auto parts store, Brian?

1:25:16 Dr. Bruce All kinds of parts, any parts that anybody needs. But I don't make a lot of money for doing it. And I don't know how much do these planned pregnancies usually cost.

1:25:27 Adam Just go down to Planned Parenthood and ask them what you should do.

1:25:33 Adam It does have an average cost because your butt is going to be in jail. If this is true, you're going to go to jail, buddy. And she needs medical care. It's like, you know, what if she were bleeding right now or she were unconscious, would you be sitting there? Well, should I call 9-1-1 or should I get a TRW first?

1:25:48 Adam She's very mature. She's very mature.

1:25:51 Adam Right.

1:25:51 Adam Listen, don't F any 14-year-olds, you idiots. And if you do, this is what happens.

1:25:56 Adam All right.

1:25:56 Adam We got to take a break.

1:25:59 Adam Bruce. I'm outraged.

1:26:00 Adam We're taking a break.

1:26:01 Adam Seriously, that's very disturbing.

1:26:02 Adam We'll be right back after this. Hey, it's Loveline, I'm Adam, that's Dr. Bruce. Dr. Bruce filling in for Dr. Drew. One last quick plug for this Cabin Fever. DVD is coming out on the 20th of January. That's Tuesday, this Tuesday, by the way. And here's the deal, you call in the show, you're 18 years of age or older, and you get on the air, and we give you a DVD. And then once we give you the DVD, your name goes into the hopper. And then what happens? Well, what happens is, in a couple of weeks, I reach into the hopper, and I pull my cousin's name out, that I already put, because I put his name in there. And then, oh, Ann's telling me to stop talking. Yeah, yeah. Good thing we got that dry erase board for Ann.

1:26:59 Adam But you've got to be 18.

1:27:00 Adam Got to be 18.

1:27:00 Adam Is your cousin 18?

1:27:01 Adam It doesn't matter because I'm going to get the tickets from him. I'm just giving him a couple, he's a junkie, actually. I'm just going to give my quick hit a horse. And then I'm going to take the things and I'm going to Whistler Canada, which Drew, who's a skiing expert, Drew loves skiing so much, guess where he is right now? That's right. And I, you know, what do I love? I love the kids. I love helping. He loves skiing. I love help-ing.

1:27:29 Caller Painful Reckon will not go away.

1:27:31 Adam That's why I don't know where Whistler is, but Drew knows it well.

1:27:34 Adam Yeah, you know where the auto show is and you know.

1:27:37 Adam How dare you? The point is, is that we'll give you four tickets and you go the airfare, you go to the cabin, you get the lift tickets, you go to Whistler, you sit there in the cabin and wait to be slaughtered by whatever killed the kids in the cabin fever. So got that coming up. Shiva.

1:27:58 Hi.

1:27:58 Adam You're 15.

1:28:01 Caller Well, me and my boyfriend have been going out about three months now and every time we like hook up.

1:28:06 Adam How many months?

1:28:08 Caller Huh?

1:28:09 Adam How many months?

1:28:10 Caller For about three.

1:28:12 Adam I thought you said 30 months.

1:28:14 Caller Every time we hook up, like do, you know, oral sex or something, well, like I'll be really into it while we're doing it. Like I'll encourage it and I'll go along with it, but like after he leaves or, you know, just an hour later, I'll feel really disgusted and I won't want to talk to him for like a couple of days.

1:28:34 Adam Calling from La Crescenta, huh?

1:28:36 Caller Yeah.

1:28:37 Adam Yeah. I used to rent a house out there back in the world.

1:28:40 Caller Yeah, I heard. Yeah, good times.

1:28:43 Adam Keeping it real.

1:28:44 Adam You're keeping it real. You're a legend of the botchery in La Crescenta.

1:28:48 Adam Lake Street, I think, was my exit off of that freeway there.

1:28:51 Adam I like the way she said, so I heard.

1:28:52 Adam Yeah.

1:28:53 Adam Now, do you have some sort of a moral value system? You grew up in a religious system which says that you shouldn't be sexually active before marriage type of thing?

1:29:02 Caller No. I was raised in a PS sexually.

1:29:05 Adam Any abuse issues? Have you were abused or any kind of sexual?

1:29:09 Caller My mom was a social worker.

1:29:11 Adam So listen. Here's the deal. What's that mean, mom? Hippie parents. That's always trouble. Listen. Here's why you feel. There's two reasons you feel guilty. One is you feel like you're compromising yourself. The other reason is you feel like the guy ain't really that into you and maybe you're just appeasing him to keep him around. Is there any situation like that going on?

1:29:35 Caller No, not at all. That's not it. I don't even really feel guilty. I just like grossed out. I don't know.

1:29:40 Adam Okay. And you were never... Okay.

1:29:43 Adam Well, how old is the guy?

1:29:45 Adam 16. Here's the thing then. Give it a break. Don't do it for a month. See what happens. See how you feel. See if you miss it. See how he feels. I hate to cut the guy off, but if you're 15, you're on the cusp, you're performing oral sex, maybe it is a little bit young. Maybe you ought to just walk away for a few weeks and see how you feel.

1:30:09 Adam Yeah. I know I won't get very far with this statement, but...

1:30:11 Adam All right. Then keep it to yourself.

1:30:13 Adam Sex is not a recreational sport, as I have mentioned in the past. You're better off going with your intuition. Something is telling you you're not ready for this or it's just not right at this point in your life. A lot of teenagers when they're 14, 15, 16, aren't ready to have sex and it's not something that benefits them. It's not something that enhances a relationship. Sex is not a recreational sport.

1:30:36 Adam Dr. Smith.

1:30:37 Adam That must have been an expert in the field. Yeah.

1:30:40 Adam An expert could be out in the field if he doesn't shut up. You had your man. Madden. Yes. Oh, sorry. Hey, what's happening? Listen, sorry to put you on so late. You've been on hold for 80 minutes. Blame Dr. Bruce. Your dad is an alcoholic. Where's my bourbon? And you want to know if you're likely to be one as well.

1:31:02 Yeah, he's an alcoholic ever since I've been born and my little brother, which is 14, he is like already drinking at his friend's house.

1:31:11 Adam Okay.

1:31:13 And I've been pretty good until lately.

1:31:15 Caller I've become old enough to drink.

1:31:17 And a couple of months ago, Drew was talking about the males likely to be becoming alcoholic and I was wondering what mine was.

1:31:24 Adam 50%.

1:31:25 Because we're cut and raised around it so I didn't know if it was.

1:31:28 Adam Okay, here's the thing. 50-50.

1:31:31 Adam Right.

1:31:31 Adam That you or your brother has a gene. But that doesn't mean you're going to be an alcoholic.

1:31:37 Right, I was just wondering because I've been raised around it my whole entire life.

1:31:42 Adam It's a genetic thing. There are other studies that show that depression is-

1:31:46 Adam All right, quiet down. We've got to take a break. We're running late. Sorry. You're screwed. Here's the deal.

1:31:51 Adam Don't drink. Don't use those.

1:31:53 Adam Go to Al-Anon. Go to Al-Anon.

1:31:55 Adam Absolutely.

1:31:55 Adam Go to Al-Anon. We'll be back. Well, that's the show, everybody. I want to thank the great Dr. Bruce, aka Dr. Spaz. Thank you.

1:32:11 Adam No, thank you.

1:32:12 Adam AKA the magic wand.

1:32:15 Adam I haven't struck the mic all night.

1:32:16 Adam It's what they call them in high school. Yeah, I do miss it. Punch it one time, just because I missed Drew. Yeah, nice headbutt. All right. So tomorrow night, Stephen Baldwin will be in here from Celebrity Mole telling us all about who he hates. And until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Bruce saying mahalo.

1:32:38 If this is true, you're going to go to jail, buddy.

1:32:44 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors or this station. The producer for Loveline is Annie Gold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Sunday, January 18, 2004