Episode 1000588203739

0:54 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually oriented content.

0:59 Voiceover Loveline with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

1:06 Drew Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1, Dr. Drew, board certified physician. Diss you pass a bit of the bar.

1:12 Adam Loveline, it's so much more pleasant with those nuts that Lauren got us.

1:17 Drew Yeah, we're going nuts for the nuts. You notice a little trouble with the off-ramp on the way in tonight?

1:25 Adam Yeah, what was that? They close, normally they close the whole thing. This time they close one lane till they get you on the off-ramp, then they close the opposite way.

1:34 Drew Here's all I know. All I know is in, I've lived in Southern California my entire life. I've never had an off-ramp of a work or home or business, a loved one, that was closed for anything longer than a weekend. The best you can do when you're shutting an off-ramp is shut it off for a weekend. You touch up the paint. Maybe you resurface it. The off-ramp that we need to use, and believe, don't think I'm not thinking about the great magnet and his plans for me and what he's doing to me. Because since we moved studios five months ago, this goddamn off-ramp has been good three days out of the five months. This is our off-ramp. This is the off-ramp we would get off if we were trying to get to work. So instead, I have to take the off-ramp that's past it. Now you may say, why don't you take the one before it?

2:28 Adam No.

2:29 Drew Trust me, you wouldn't do that. You just go past it, then you turn, and then you backtrack.

2:35 Adam Left arrow.

2:35 Drew That's when you hit the arrow. So you understand that I'm being fed into the arrow. Yes.

2:40 Adam You have to, and it's now you pretty much have to wait for.

2:44 Drew I mean, look, I don't believe in God, but what about the great magnet? Like just, you just think about it. Anyone who listens to the shows, know I spent the last five years complaining about all the goddamn red arrows I had in door and that crap, a dumb asshole called the Culver City for the last five years. Finally we move, no more arrows. I just get off my off-ramp and I'm right at work. No, this off-ramp's not gonna be working for about a year. What universe is an off-ramp on a freeway closed for a year? It's no signs opening up either, it's not gonna work.

3:18 Adam Here's the greatest mystery of it all that I guess is living proof of the great magnet. Nothing seems to be going on on that off-ramp other than it's closed.

3:26 Drew It's closed so that a whole atom can get an arrow put in his way. There's nothing going on. Now I just have to go around and then I drive past work and I sit there waiting at the arrow so I can make a U-turn and double that.

3:40 Adam It gives me the feel or pain, it's the Fairfax washing, exit off the one at the Henn freeway.

3:46 Drew It's good times. All right, so anyway, tonight, the second off-ramp that I'd normally get on was completely packed.

3:52 Adam I didn't pay attention anymore. You're right, the second one.

3:55 Drew First one was closed, second one was down to one lane, and the line went all the way back up the freeway so I just went past that. Let me just say a couple quick things because you know my theory, you know what I want. I don't want more freeways, I don't want a monorail.

4:09 Adam Move your ass.

4:10 Drew Yeah, I don't want to widen anything, I want people to start shaking their ass. Yeah, case in point. If you're the lead guy, like if it's a situation where there's a long off-ramp, one of the lanes is closed off and now there's a single file line of cars going all the way back a quarter mile onto the freeway. If you're the lead man who is waiting at the signal, you and your response and your alertness, this is the difference between 14 cars going and five cars going. When that signal changes and you do that, one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, and then you start going, you're effing everyone behind you. That lead position, yes, you need to be, the visual needs to be held. Turn the radio down, put the hands at 10 and two. Whatever it takes, slap yourself in the face a little while it's red. Get prime, maybe give the engine a few revs. That's the scout position. You're running point for the whole platoon. You gotta get on it. Is it, Drew, does it drive you berserk when you're like car number nine in the back, the signal changes, and it's just says that one, one thousand.

5:22 Adam Drives me insane.

5:23 Drew Two, one thousand. It's like, really?

5:25 Adam I'm number nine, number two, I'm going crazy.

5:27 Drew But you're taken by surprise that the signal changed? How does this go? You just get in your car and you're just sort of like, ah, I wonder why I stopped. Oh, well, as long as I stopped, I might as well occupy myself. No, no telling, no telling. Ah, let's see, let me go through my purse here. What's in the glove box? Maybe I got an old Connect Four game. Huh, what's this? The signals change? Huh, well, let me put my stuff back and kind of get myself together. Well, it's caught me off guard. I guess I can proceed now. Really? Don't you know it's just gonna be about 45 seconds and then you're not been through the cycle before?

6:02 Adam Then they proceed as though they're not crossing an intersection that has a light.

6:06 Drew Yeah, that's like, all right, well, the strange device with the lights, the colored lights, it's turned, it's changed. It used to be a red color. Now it's a green color. But let's not trust this technology completely. I'll very slowly creep out looking left and right.

6:25 Adam Ooh, these people on the left seem to be stopped. How interesting.

6:27 Drew I guess it's okay for me to proceed. What's going on? Are people just that far out of it? Or are they not? What is everyone half, like a pain in the ass wife that they don't want to get home to? Or like a kid with whooping cough? What's waiting at home that they don't want? What's there? What about TiVo? What about the loves of TiVo and chunky peanut butter and pornography? Should you be hustling home? Aren't you running late for work or something? Really? It just up then. I'll tell you, I'll tell you. I got behind somebody and I knew this is trouble. When I see the jumbo pack of Kleenex, the jumbo box of Kleenex sliding around on the back where the speakers are, that's trouble. That's deduct 15 miles an hour from their speed. I don't know why. First off, I'm not sure what the Kleenex box six feet back from where you are does to you while you're driving. Obviously you can't get to it, but somehow it's that jumbo one.

7:27 It signifies you're driving slow.

7:29 Drew Yeah, you know what it is? Because that Kleenex box wouldn't last on my car because it goes sailing across my first good maneuver.

7:36 Adam It's the same thing as the big triangle on the Amish cart.

7:39 Drew The buggy, yeah, that lets you know it's time to start moving around. All right, Drew, I just want a campaign in this city. Just simply, just shake your ass. Shake your ass. Everybody, shake your ass. Get it going. Mock Schnell, pick it up. Everyone, just pick it up 25%. If you're going 33, go 39. Work on those reaction times when that light changes. Let's go. If you miss your off-ramp, you can't stop and try to wedge in. You got to keep going and come around. Everybody go. We'll get the whole city moving. Don't have to build any more freeways. Is this a crazy plan?

8:17 Adam No, I don't think so.

8:20 Drew No, it's like we can't build a new factory, so we're going to speed up productivity in the one we have. No, no problem. We're going to speed up the conveyor belt just a little bit, that's all. 20% speed that up. Start plucking them chickens faster.

8:34 Adam Curtis, speaking of chickens, what's up? He's in Iowa.

8:37 Yeah, I'm from Hubbard. I was wondering, do you know anything about rainbow parties?

8:42 Drew I've heard about these things, but I think this is a...

8:46 Adam There's got to be something trumped up by the media, the news media.

8:51 Drew Yeah, I think it's a wives' tale, where what? Young girls are supposed to go in there and something with BJs. I remember hearing BJs and liking the notion.

9:00 Well, they're supposed to go in there and they're supposed to have different colored lipsticks and they're supposed to give so many guys a blowjob and whoever gets the most colors on their dick gets...

9:10 Adam Where'd you hear about this?

9:12 Drew It goes around. I heard this in school.

9:14 In school? On the internet and then I found it on the news, on News Channel 8.

9:20 Adam Yeah, well, oh, 8, Adam, you're watching 8 tonight.

9:22 Drew Well, if it's on 8, it's gotta be great.

9:24 Adam 8 at Des Moines.

9:24 Drew In Des Moines, well, that's where I get my news. I got my satellite fixed to 8 in Iowa. All right, look, here's the thing. I'm just not to say there's not a lot of disgusting, debaucherous stuff that goes on with teenagers these days, but just think about a penis, think about how the penis works, think about how lipstick works. First off, your dark's not gonna look like a rainbow.

9:50 Adam Somebody conceived this, and maybe somebody tried to coerce somebody to do something like this, and then the media, ooh, everyone's doing this. This is the latest thing.

9:56 Rainbow parties. Please.

9:57 Drew How do you plan those? Yeah, you get a flyer. And then how many guys show up at the rainbow party?

10:03 Adam 6,000.

10:03 Drew 6,000 guys. Three, like two chicks, a transvestite, and a hermaphrodite show up. Rainbow party.

10:12 Adam Hey, before we take more calls, we got to talk about this cabin cabin fever promotion. Yeah. Because everyone that comes on our show tonight and for the next five days gets a free DVD of the movie Cabin Fever. This apparently is a got all the special behind the scenes stuff and interviews with the cat.

10:27 Drew Well, I could tell you about it myself if I had one of those goddamn DVDs.

10:31 Adam I know, they'll be bringing us one soon.

10:32 Drew Yeah, that's great. That's right. Give us the whole promotion and they'll give us the FNC, the DVD.

10:37 Adam Everyone has to be over 18, 18 or over. And this DVD itself goes on sale January 20th. But this is the cool part. If those of you that get the DVDs tonight will be automatically entered into a drawing to win a trip for four, full paid with airfare, lift tickets, and cabin to Whistler, Canada.

10:54 Drew Man, never been to Whistler.

10:55 Adam Oh, it's awesome.

10:56 Drew Drew, you have.

10:57 Adam Yeah, a couple times. Fantastic.

10:58 Drew Good skiing over there?

10:59 Really?

11:00 Adam Yeah, it was good times.

11:02 Drew All right, so again, I'll get more on board when they drop off the DVDs. I gotta warn you, Drew, and engineer Chris, I got gas tonight.

11:10 Adam You know, I was gonna talk to you about this. I've noticed something. You have really been sort of woefully non-productive in the phlatus department. And you know, you're gonna make up for it tonight. And you know what that is?

11:22 Drew What is it?

11:23 Adam Your tush is embarrassed. There's somebody sitting in the room. It's not just you and me.

11:28 Drew No, it's true. I've spared young Chris.

11:31 Adam But it's more than that, it's a little bit of a shyness. Normally you were blatant. I mean, pouring it out whenever you could.

11:38 Drew Listen, to be fair to my sphincter, I've let a couple go since I've been in the new studio.

11:44 Adam But carefully, strategically, so poor Chris wouldn't... Chris, you're gonna be exposed to some action tonight.

11:48 Drew Well, I may be gassed out.

11:50 Adam Are you prepared?

11:50 Drew I may be gassed out.

11:52 Adam This is like combat, dude.

11:54 Drew I was blowing tremendous gas. And it was right during the...

11:59 Adam Why don't you light it tonight? You're set up for it.

12:00 Drew No, no, I only light with denim. You know that. You know that.

12:04 Adam I was kind of denim you were wearing. I didn't realize it was that sort of thing.

12:08 Drew I'm wearing, you know, this is a manmade fiber here.

12:11 What is that? What?

12:13 Adam The nuts?

12:15 Drew Okay, let me tell you. Let me tell you what I did. And all right, and you tell me why this doesn't work. Okay? Okay, I've not had a good gasp out in months, months, but today I was magnificent. I was at Kimmel's. We're having a writers meeting. We're all eating lunch and sitting around a big table. But blowing everybody out, people getting angry, people moving, everybody, everyone with the shields calls. Shields, shirts come sliding up. People doing their talking points and their jokes through their shirt that's hanging. People moving to the other side of the room. Destroyed the entire.

12:49 Adam I witnessed your action.

12:51 Drew Destroyed the entire area, laughing like a hyena the whole time. Then we go upstairs in the office and blowing gas the whole time, right? I got great gas all day. Now, I haven't had great gas in a long time. Okay, here's what I did. Ritual, exactly the same. I mean, you know, night before, had a couple glasses of wine.

13:09 Adam I'm thinking these, I had some problems today, too. I think of these nuts we ate last night.

13:12 Drew Got up in the morning.

13:12 I ate thousands of peanuts all the time.

13:15 Drew But how does this work? I get up in the morning. I normally don't even eat breakfast. I just have a cup of coffee and leave because I'm always late somewhere and I eat lunch over at Jimmy's. But this morning, I decided to eat a little something because I'm going to work out later. So I have a little bowl of oatmeal with a banana in it and a little milk. And I'll blow in crazy gas. Crazy gas, not right away, a couple of hours later. We're blowing novelty gas. Now what is that? And I know, it's funny, people are like, normally when people get gas, they go like, I gotta keep track of what I eat. And my thing is, I gotta figure out what I ate so I can blow up more gas tomorrow at the meeting. I have no idea, it was nothing, it was a banana with a little oatmeal, blowing crazy gas. To me, it's not about what you eat, it's about what you're producing.

14:01 Adam Well, yeah, irritability, I mean, if you have irritable bowel.

14:04 Drew Why does it change?

14:05 Adam I don't know if anybody knows that. I mean, it certainly swallowed air is part of it, and what the bacteria produce, and that's determined by what you give them.

14:10 Drew But it's not swallowed air because something was brewing in me. It was like an alien.

14:15 Adam That's what you eat usually. But also irritable bowel syndrome can stir it up a bit.

14:18 Drew So, farts never smell or rarely smell. Don't give me that puss. Gas rarely smells. And then, in my humble opinion, my world, they just don't. There's some guys, every time something comes out of their ass, it smells. Me, I let the 30 just poof-ters for every one fastball. You know what I mean? Just air. Okay, so, all of a sudden one day, pow. Smells like hell. And then eight months goes by, nothing.

14:49 Adam It's gotta be what you had for dinner last night.

14:51 Nah, I ate some of the salad dressing.

14:54 Drew I ate some of the rest of that Mexican food. Nah, I do nothing but eat max food. I eat everything, it doesn't do anything. Dinner was like seven o'clock the night before. I'm not blowing gas at noon, one, four o'clock the next day, am I? What goes on? What changes?

15:11 Adam It seems like there's a Mexican food expert across the table here who's like, going, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, next day.

15:14 Drew Well, listen, I like to blame the Mexicans as much as the next guy, but I don't think this one falls in their lap. I really don't. No, when Crystal Method brought the La Cabanita food in here, I still got a huge pile of it in my refrigerator. I finished a pan off of it last night. I'll eat another one tonight.

15:33 Adam See what happens tomorrow.

15:34 Drew It's a good experiment. It's not what I eat. I eat everything all the time and nothing. Here's what I'm saying.

15:40 Adam Close your mobile. So you're stressed. You're stressed out about something? No.

15:43 Drew Well, I didn't go to court today.

15:45 Adam Oh, yeah, yeah.

15:46 Drew Maybe that was it.

15:46 Adam Yeah.

15:47 Drew I was all stressed out about blowing off court.

15:49 Adam What happened?

15:50 Drew Well, Drew, you forced me not to. I told him it was a $1,500 fine if I didn't show up today.

15:56 Adam Is that what they said?

15:56 Drew No, that's what the piece of paper says. And Drew said that's nothing.

16:01 Adam That's nothing compared to the misery of the...

16:02 Drew A 10 times surprise. It's a deal, right?

16:04 Adam Deal.

16:05 Drew Adam? You're 17?

16:08 Caller Yes, I am.

16:09 Yeah, you know, I'm literally a millionaire.

16:10 Drew I'm by my way out of trouble now. What's up? I'm like OJ.

16:15 Caller Well, first of all, I want to say that the man show has not been the same without you and Jimmy.

16:20 Drew That is a shock. Go ahead.

16:25 Caller But my question is that, okay, I have a girlfriend of mine. She's not actually a girlfriend, but she's a friend who's a girl basically. And we've been friends since about the third grade. Well, as you know, we grew up more, she kind of got this thing for me and I'm gay, openly gay, you know? And she knows this and I've told her this many times and she was kind of cool about it at first. She told me, you know, all right, I respect that. You know, I'm not going to hit on you. But lately flirting has started to surface and, you know, she's kind of found reasons for me and her to be alone. And, you know, I kind of told her, you know, I was on to her and I said, I kind of get what you're doing. And she denied it. And, you know, I mean, I don't know, we've been friends for so long. I don't want to like deny our friendship or say, you know, well, I just can't be around you because, you know, you got, because you like me. And I don't know, it's just, it's kind of hard. So my question is-

17:19 Adam Mason Jar.

17:20 Yeah.

17:20 Drew That's bogus.

17:21 Adam Yeah.

17:21 Yeah.

17:23 Drew It's bogus question.

17:25 Caller No, no, I haven't asked the question really.

17:27 Adam Okay, go ahead. Go ahead. Amuse us.

17:30 Caller My question is, is this something that I should, you know, am I being too much of a hard ass by saying that, by like breaking up our friendship over something like this, you know, is it something that maybe I should just kind of like, you know, brush off the shoulder and say, well, yeah, okay, she's got the hots for me. It's something to wear off, you know?

17:49 Adam Yeah. Formulating a question on the back of my mind.

17:52 Drew It's not sticking together. And by the way, that's not a question. You've been saying that for the last three minutes. Adam, it's not holding together.

18:01 Caller Bogus radar, you have to have at least one.

18:03 What?

18:04 Drew What's that?

18:05 Caller I said, you guys have really bad bogus radar. I said, but I figure you at least have to have one for ratings.

18:11 One what?

18:12 Adam One non-bogus that we think is bogus, you mean?

18:14 Caller Yeah.

18:15 Adam Well, I'll go with it.

18:16 Caller You at least have to announce one bogus for ratings purposes.

18:22 Drew Yeah, that's what we do. Drew and I sit around and talk about what are we going to do to help ratings?

18:27 Caller Well, there's some that I hear that don't sound-

18:30 Drew Hold on a second. Chris, engineer Chris, you've been our engineer for four months. You've never, maybe five, you never met us before this. Have you ever heard the word ratings come out of my mouth or Drew's mouth? Do you think Drew, no. Do you think I know what cities we're on and what ratings we get in those cities? Do you think I have any idea what rating we have here in Los Angeles at the Mother Station?

18:52 Adam This is precisely Adam.

18:53 Drew Have you ever heard me mention anything to producer Ann about ratings ever or have any rating related or even show related discussion? You've never heard us talk about anything other than cars and my flatulence and how much we hate certain guests during the break. Yes? So he's nodding his head.

19:10 Adam This is good for the ratings. This is precisely how Chris formulated his opinion about what it takes to be a great radio host.

19:16 Drew How dare people accuse us of caring about this show's ratings? Chris, I would venture to say that in the four months Chris has been sitting in here like a fly on the wall overhearing our conversations. This is Drew. This is producer Anne. Probably nothing that ever involved the show in terms of what was good for it or bad for it or what might bring ratings. Yes?

19:38 You mostly talk about your house when you're not on the air.

19:42 Adam Mostly. So you never talk about anything else?

19:44 Drew What do you think the topics, what we say the three topics are that we talk about during the commercials?

19:49 Your house, that's basically it.

19:52 Adam And coffee, too. Coffee? We'll carry on a little bit of whatever we just finished talking about. You know, for a while, a little bit. 30 seconds. Yeah, yeah. And then maybe. And then he breaks into the house.

20:01 Drew Yes, but then you go take a pee. You've never heard the word ratings uttered, have you?

20:05 Never.

20:06 Adam Oh yeah, you've heard him talk about our next door neighbor, radio station.

20:10 Oh, and music.

20:10 Adam You heard him yell about that.

20:12 Arrow.

20:13 Drew They ever heard anything like me going, jeez, I wonder how we're doing in San Diego.

20:19 Adam It's comical.

20:20 No.

20:20 Drew No.

20:20 And you do great show prep too, Adam.

20:23 Drew Yeah, thank you, buddy.

20:24 All right.

20:25 Drew All right, I just don't want people thinking that we sit around and we gotta announce a bogus call.

20:32 Adam Let me deal with Adam as though we're real, because that's always important to just in case. Adam? I'm here. All right, so the deal is, the deal is, first of all, why are you so concerned? You've set appropriate boundaries with her. You've told her you're not interested. What do you care? If she wants to try to make overtures towards you, so what? Nothing's gonna happen. You know that. You made it clear to her. What do you think's gonna happen? That's as opposed to you saying, hey, it can't be your friend anymore?

20:55 Caller No, it's just, I don't know. It kind of makes me feel uncomfortable to know that she's got a thing for me. But then again, like I said, I think about our friendship. I mean, we've been friends for like, since we've-

21:04 Adam If your friendship means so much to you, why can't you tolerate her having a crush on you?

21:09 Caller Because I don't feel comfortable with a girl liking me that way. I kind of like how straight men don't like gay guys who like them. And that kind of makes me feel something.

21:19 Drew It's different.

21:21 Caller Well, not that different. But it's the same situation.

21:26 Adam And the other thing is, you don't seem, it's hard. She probably doesn't believe you're gay. She probably believes she can change you and this sort of thing. And you don't come across as, you know, sort of something that people would experience. No, no, no. And I'm being stereotyping and I'm saying, but she may delude herself because of that into, well, this, I bet you maybe he's really not, maybe I can change him.

21:46 Drew No, plus his name is Adam, super straight name.

21:48 Adam Yeah, super masculine.

21:49 Drew I mean, that's a hunky, hunky. That's a virile, strapping, hunky, straight, you know, matinee, idol, good looks kind of name. That's not no queerbait name. You know what I'm saying?

22:00 Adam Whatever.

22:01 Drew Do they use queerbait anymore?

22:03 Adam I don't think so.

22:06 Drew Brandon?

22:08 Oh, what's up, guys? First of all, all the drunk kiddies out there. First of all, this is one thing I have to say. Dr. Drew did this. How many years for free? How many years?

22:16 Adam Ten, dude.

22:17 Drew Oh, is this Drunken Brandon?

22:19 Adam Was this the same guy?

22:21 Of course it is from last week.

22:22 Adam You sound like a different person.

22:24 Drew Well, he's...

22:25 Adam You're not quite as loaded tonight.

22:26 A couple of beers short. His name was Marcus, though.

22:31 Adam Sounds like the same guy, though, doesn't it?

22:33 Ten years.

22:33 Drew Ten years.

22:34 Ten years. Ten years. Ten years. He did this for free, and if all the youngsters, kids come out and do this, buy his book.

22:41 Drew Just buy his book.

22:42 It's a big book because you know what? I read a portion of it at the library.

22:47 Drew Yeah. Sure.

22:50 Adam Did it discourage you from indulging in your disease or maybe get some help for it?

22:54 Well, you know, the problem was that I only read a portion of it, maybe if I read the whole book and bought it at what stores?

23:02 Drew All the major chains.

23:03 Of course all the majors.

23:05 Was it Marcus or was it Brandon?

23:08 Drew Your last name was Marcus.

23:10 No, my name was Brandon last week.

23:13 Drew Well, I don't know. I thought Brandon sounded familiar too, but engineer Anderson said Marcus.

23:18 Maybe Dr. Drew was a...

23:21 Maybe I'm not remembering, but I thought it was Marcus for sure.

23:23 Caller And he was on the same line and he said he was home.

23:27 Adam Sounds like the same guy, though.

23:28 Drew Listen, Trunko, what do you need?

23:30 I need you guys to help.

23:32 Yeah, no kidding.

23:37 Can you guys do me a favor?

23:38 Drew Yes, anything for you.

23:40 Just keep me for our next caller after your break. I know it's coming up. And see if I can help them.

23:47 Drew Okay.

23:47 Adam Well, I'll tell you what, Brandon, you've won a Cabin Fever DVD.

23:50 That's right. Look out.

23:52 Drew You certainly have. All right, hold on a second. Yeah, I'm guessing you don't have a DVD player.

23:59 Of course, but I have a PlayStation 2.

24:01 Drew Oh, yeah. You can play. Oh, you see, it is work. It fits. See, that's how you know people aren't lying. You're like, why does a loser, drunken loser, like Brandon, have himself a DVD? And then you got PlayStation 2. PlayStation 2 will play DVDs? Yep. And play them right on that set there, huh? All right, let's take a quick break. We'll hang on to Brandon. He can help out our next caller. All right. After this.

24:30 Hello, this is your radio.

24:52 Drew Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Ron Jeremy's gonna be in here tomorrow night from The Surreal Life, which I'm very hot on that show. Yeah, watched the first episode, which aired last night, night before, Monday night, Tuesday. Anyway, good show. And he's good. Comes across good, or comes across well or something. So anyway, he'll be here tomorrow night, and we'll talk to him about his penis. Still have a replica of his penis at my house.

25:22 Adam Scared the S out of your house, Clarence, didn't it?

25:24 Drew She found it, yes. God knows what she knows. She doesn't talk, but she's seen things that my mom shouldn't see.

25:33 Adam Well, she doesn't talk to you, but when she leaves the house, she talks.

25:35 Drew Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's all kinds of weird stuff, which I give her all my extra T-shirts to take to her husband. And I give her a whole bunch of these. I got a whole bunch of masturbation is not a crime T-shirts and he doesn't speak in English. And I'm guessing he doesn't read much. And then he went ahead and wore it to work and they sent him home.

25:58 Yeah.

25:59 Drew Let me tell you something about how sad, anything sadder than the refrigerator in a radio station's kitchen.

26:08 Yeah.

26:09 Drew Is it always a disaster? Anything sadder? And it rivals, you know, the frat house refrigerator, the junkies refrigerator, the down and out single dad refrigerator.

26:19 Adam It's sort of all that rolled into one.

26:21 Drew Yeah. Yeah. And it's bizarre because-

26:23 Adam That's basically who you have working at a radio station. Let's be real here.

26:25 Drew I know you got a lot of, you know, the unemployable who are magically employed and the radio station is sort of like video stores. Like these people are not fit to work anywhere else, but somehow they can do it. It's like the old Oakland Raiders, they take all the cast offs and misfits and somehow mold them into a team that's about 500, actually. They don't win any Super Bowls. I, for some reason, just opened the refrigerator back there and I was throwing the milk back in. I saw a can of ravioli, Chef Boyardee ravioli. My interest was piqued because I thought to myself, what kind of retarded adult eats this gruel? Here's the thing, spaghettios, Chef Boyardee, any pasta that has been floating in its own sauce for a few years before you crank it is not fit for a dog.

27:16 Adam And by the way, not in a jar, in a can.

27:19 Drew In a can, in a can. And not only that, listen, radio station, it's not like we have kids work here. It's not a bunch of kids. Not like, well, that's probably one of the kids, one of the nine-year-olds probably left that behind.

27:31 Adam It could be Stryker.

27:33 Drew It could be, it could be. I mean, average age at this radio station is 31, 32 years of age. Okay, can of Chef Boyardee ravioli, which is just, you have to be a super albino, clear, translucent trash to open a can of that. And by the way, just, you have to be retarded. There's something wrong with your brain. That, number one, now here's the real kicker. It's half, it's half eaten.

27:56 Adam With the lid on. No, no, no. No!

27:59 Drew That Drew, I'm gonna get this can. I'm getting the can because you're not gonna believe it.

28:04 Adam Yeah, you gotta get it. Chris, Chris, go get the can, come on.

28:06 Drew Chris, no, I'll get the can. Chris has got a job to do here. Chris has got to run the board.

28:10 Adam Unlike you, okay, you go, I'll take the call.

28:12 Drew Yeah, I'm getting this can.

28:13 Adam I was gonna take Brandon, I was gonna take Brandon, but I'm gonna talk to some other of our callers. This is Matt25, Matt.

28:19 Hey, how's it going? I have a question. Me and my girlfriend disagree on something. I think I heard somewhere that if you raise a kid wearing briefs, from when it was born or when it's old enough to wear briefs, that there's a higher chance that it'll actually go sterile or have less of a sperm count. But if you raise it wearing boxers, it's penis may actually grow at an awkward angle or something like that. Do you know who Dr. Dean Adela is?

28:52 Adam I know Dean, yeah.

28:53 I think I heard that from him when I was a kid, when I was younger.

28:57 Adam I could see where they could make an issue about the sperm count because the hotter the testy, the more lower the sperm. But look, there's a whole industry around infertility right now, and they're not telling you, gee, don't raise your kids. I mean, that's not one of the recommendations to decrease the risk of fertility problems, so that's ridiculous.

29:16 We're not debating on what to raise a kid with.

29:18 Adam Number two, this business of a Peyronie's type syndrome with poxers. Also, you think there'd be a warning on the box if that were the case. I don't know, have you ever heard of that? There's millions of people wearing these things. Has anyone you've met ever had a problem with this?

29:31 Caller But then again, everybody has no.

29:33 Adam And by the way, that would encompass all males. All males would either be infertile and have a crooked penis, right? Because they're either in one or the other.

29:41 Drew Drew, listen to reason.

29:43 Caller Like I said, okay, it's not that they cause every person that wears briefs to go infertile, but there's a chance of it. And what I was saying about the boxers, actually most kids are not raised wearing boxers. They're generally all raised wearing briefs. They're gonna go to boxers as they get older, from what I've seen.

29:59 Adam But they go at a pretty young age many times. And so the point is-

30:03 Drew Four months.

30:03 Adam So all males are having a problem with their, with their pans and frittilis.

30:06 Drew Why are we entertaining?

30:07 Adam But this is making me vomit here. This is making me vomit.

30:10 Drew As I brought the can of a Chef Boyardee ravioli and meat sauce from the refrigerator.

30:15 Adam Describe this.

30:16 Drew Well, first off, like I said, you should stop eating canned raviolis when you stop eating SpaghettiOs, which is when you start having solid movements. And that is about four and a half. The other thing is, is the can is half eaten and then saved. And by the way, I'm not sure what, how much you're saving at the bottom of this can, but was it about three cents worth of food?

30:39 Adam There's like three raviolis at the bottom.

30:41 Drew There's three raviolis at the bottom of the can. And what is it, what's being used to seal the can?

30:46 Adam There's something stuffed into the can.

30:48 Drew A crumpled up paper towel has been shoved into the can.

30:52 Adam Look at that. And there's a lovely nose to it too. The odor is quite, quite like, quite exceptional.

30:57 Drew This is in the community refrigerator. Now here's the thing. When I'm in charge around here, you're gone. I don't care who you are. I don't care if it's Kevin Wierly, the program director, Tripp Reed, the general manager. You're gone. I see this, this, this to me. This-

31:10 Adam Stryker, you're gone.

31:11 Drew Is this-

31:13 Drew, you are supposedly my son. That is not my goddamn ravioli.

31:18 Drew Oh, this isn't yours?

31:19 No.

31:20 Adam I try to think of somebody who doesn't, who eats, you know, pablum and things like that, nothing else. No, not you?

31:26 You eat to-

31:27 Caller All my other boyfriends.

31:28 I've only given them hand jobs.

31:30 Drew Hey, Stryker, please, we're gonna talk about food. That's your sexual proclivities.

31:35 Adam Stryker, do you eat Chef Boyardee?

31:37 In my life, yes. Is it in my cupboard? Yes, but it's probably-

31:42 Adam Oh, my God. It's in your cupboard.

31:44 Drew Stryker, by the way, for those of you around the country, is our beloved DJ who keeps the seats warm for us here at the Mother Station of K-Rock before we triumphantly roll into the studio every night. And even though he's a man of 30, he eats like an 11-year-old, possibly younger. I can't believe-

32:05 Yeah, but I can't have sex like Ron Jeremy, my friend.

32:07 Drew How old are you, Stryker? You gotta be 30. 30 years old. I know for a fact he makes decent money and he's going out and buying cans, 89-cent cans of shipboard-y ravioli. This is what homeless people are supposed to eat. You understand, this is what you're supposed to rattle a can for to get enough money to go out and buy one of these and heat it over a Sterno can in the park. You see what I'm saying? That brings home to your palatial condo.

32:41 Stryker, I don't know since I told you I didn't eat cranberries, I feel like you've been giving me the cold shoulder around the building.

32:46 Drew That's right, that's right, Stryker. We no longer have anything to talk about.

32:50 Well, next Thanksgiving I'll be at your house for the cranberries.

32:55 Drew All right. Well, listen, it's a few months away.

32:58 Well, I'm going to mark it on my calendar, homeboy.

33:01 Drew And listen, I would like to like you, don't get me wrong. But when I hear you talking about Chef Boyardee ravioli, and your blatant jabs at my beloved cranberries, well, that's when we have to part ways.

33:18 Okay, Adam. Look, with all my other boyfriends, I've only given them hand jobs.

33:23 Drew All right, Stryker, please, we're still on the air. All right, buddy, God bless you.

33:26 Adam All right.

33:27 Drew God bless the Stryker. Okay, so well, it's not his.

33:29 Adam All right.

33:31 Drew I'd like to get to the bottom of this. Can I throw this out, or is somebody going to be angry that there are three raviolis that they jammed the paper towel into for a lid?

33:41 Adam And dust of the prince, come on.

33:43 Drew Yeah, you can't look here, anyone knows, any good bachelor knows that when you open a can and you don't have a proper lid, you have to set like a styrofoam takeout container or something. You're balling up a paper towel and shoving it in there with your fist. What that? This is the work of a madman.

34:02 Adam Yes, it is. It has a scary feel to it.

34:04 Drew It really does. Someone among us, producer Ann. I would think Lauren. Lauren, that somebody among us is just crazed enough to eat this and store food this way.

34:18 Adam Oh, we're going to let Brandon answer.

34:19 Drew I'm scared to go to the bathroom, Drew. It's dark. The hall is long.

34:22 Adam I'm not.

34:23 Drew Maniac could be waiting in one of the stalls with the feet up.

34:26 Adam Buddy system. So, Brandon.

34:29 Drew Chris, if something happens to us, it's your show. For the remainder of our contract. All right. Do whatever way, any way you want. All right. Should we get Brandon on first? Brandon. You're 21.

34:45 Adam Now, you're going to talk to somebody.

34:47 Drew Brandon, you're drunk.

34:48 Adam Drunk?

34:49 Drew Yeah. What'd you do? Did you hang up on Brandon? Drew, you hung up on both of them. Well, this is an abortion, Drew. You're supposed to let me do that, Drew.

35:02 Adam I beg your pardon. I thought we could still do it from the same.

35:04 I got Marcus from last week.

35:05 Drew Here we go.

35:06 You have some nice cars. You have a nice woman.

35:10 Drew Oh. That sounded like the same guy, didn't it? Let me tell you something. It wouldn't hurt any of us if once in a while a drunken Marcus slash Brandon called us up and went, You got money?

35:30 You got a fool?

35:32 Drew Yeah.

35:35 You know what I mean? Like, I got to, like, after hearing that, I was like, Yeah.

35:42 Drew That's That's me.

35:43 All right.

35:44 Drew I guess I do.

35:47 You know what I mean? You could do worse.

35:50 Drew Brandon call you up. Even if you don't have that much going, we line him up. Like, Brandon, all right, here's what you do. You know, call the guy up.

35:58 Caller Dude, you got a moped? You got a partizzi board?

36:04 You beat all the fool?

36:06 Caller Yeah. Yeah.

36:07 Drew You know, this like makes you feel good about yourself. No matter what, I felt great after I was done talking to Brandon slash Marcus. All right, so now Drew hung up on both of them.

36:18 Adam Bad times.

36:19 Drew Norma. I mean, Norman. Yo. You're 22? Yep. What's up?

36:25 Caller How's it going?

36:26 Drew Good.

36:27 Caller All right, so I've got this girlfriend. She's 18. I've been dating her for a few years and her parents are going through a wicked divorce. So our sex life thus has been stunted terribly. I'm trying to... I mean, how can I... I want to be there for her and whatnot, you know, but I'd like to get laid as well.

36:53 Drew What do you mean stunted? Your sex drive.

36:57 Caller No, no, no. Our sex life.

36:59 Adam Yeah, what do you mean by stunted?

37:05 Caller I didn't mean I screwed that up, but I mean, yeah, your sex life. I mean, she's also... Yeah, she's just been uninterested.

37:11 Adam So you've had no sex since the horrible family problems?

37:14 Caller Well, yeah, pretty much.

37:17 How long has that been?

37:19 Caller Well, it's been about three months without sex.

37:23 Drew You were having regular sex with her before that?

37:26 Caller Yeah.

37:28 Drew She may be packing up.

37:31 Caller Right?

37:32 Drew I mean, does she seem a little more distant?

37:34 Caller Well, I'm going to see her tomorrow. She just got back. It's been a month since we've seen each other. She seems really excited to see me, but I don't know.

37:43 Drew Why has it been a month since you've seen her?

37:46 Caller Well, it was winter break. She was in Israel and I was on a cruise. Hold on.

37:51 Drew Is she from Minnesota?

37:53 Caller Yeah.

37:54 Drew What percentage of Minnesota packs it in and goes to Israel? That's about 60 percent?

37:59 Adam In January.

38:01 Drew What the hell? She's got to show up to the airport like at Minnesota International Airport. Yeah, I'm going to Israel. What the hell? What? No. What did you say? Did you say Iowa? No, no, Israel. Where is that? There must be no way that is. Well, good times. So she's a Jewish chick, huh?

38:24 Caller That's right.

38:26 Drew Yeah, their folks don't get divorced quite as often as us, us goyim, as they call us. For us, it's an everyday thing. Like, are your parents divorced?

38:36 Caller No, no, I'm Jewish, too.

38:37 Drew Oh, you're Jewish? Holy Christ. They got a lot of Jews in Minnesota?

38:42 Caller All two of us.

38:43 Drew Wow, yeah. It seems cold there.

38:46 Caller Yeah.

38:47 Drew And the whole, like, 10,000 lake thing. Wait, what? Jews are big in Anglin and water skiing.

38:51 Adam And ice fishing.

38:52 Drew And ice fishing.

38:53 Fe, fe, and fe.

38:58 Drew There's no Jew in the right mind that's ever been ice fishing once.

39:02 Caller I've never been.

39:03 Drew Yeah. All right. All right. So listen, you can talk to her. I mean, you can have an open dialogue about it. I mean, you could say, look, where do we stand? Are you depressed? What's going on? I mean, give her a chance to come back and she may have been packing in.

39:18 Adam Maybe she's back now. Maybe she's more engaged. It's you know, she's depressed. That needs to be dealt with when I was young.

39:23 Drew If I got a little problem, I'd head down to Israel, clear my head for a couple of weeks and go back to 1919. Yeah. Go hit a wailing wall. Go go to some, you know, go to the temple, go find Christ's birthplace. Where's that Bethlehem? Was that in Israel? You know, take a, take a leak in the Caspian Sea. You know what I mean? Just sort my head out.

39:50 Caller Change everything.

39:52 Drew Clear my head out.

39:52 What's my dad doing in Israel?

39:54 Drew All right. Let's take a quick break. And then we'll be right back. Hey, everybody. It's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E. Porn star and all around good guy Ron Jeremy in here tomorrow night. The Hedgehog, as he's known. I got a little thing going on, a little promotion going on with Cabin Fever, the horror movie which is out on DVD, which is anyone who calls here tonight who's over the age 18 is going to get themselves a DVD copy of Cabin Fever. And then you'll also be, and by the way, this thing's got the crew comment, crew commentaries, what is that? It's a selling point? It means the back, the back, behind the scenes guy with the duct tape hanging off his cut off telling you about what it was like to key grip.

40:54 Adam You got a lot to say.

40:55 Drew Key grip's going to tell you what the craft service table was like. They had peanut and regular M&M's, it was cool. Anyway, commentaries from the actors and all that and they're all, it comes out the 20th I guess.

41:10 Adam The DVD itself. But the coolest thing is you all will then get put in a drawing which will be done on January 25th to win an all expense paid ski vacation for you and four of your friends, no, four four, three of your friends to Whistler, Canada. Amazing. From wherever you are.

41:24 Drew Drew's been there.

41:25 Adam It's amazing.

41:26 Drew Airfare and lift tickets and a cabin where possibly you'll be killed.

41:31 Adam No, no, you got a flesh-eating virus.

41:33 Drew Flesh-eating virus, but that kills you. Yeah. But listen, is, is, is, like, where's Whistler? Is that, what's that rank for you? Is that good for you? You like Whistler?

41:42 Adam A lot. Yeah, it's beautiful. Really nice.

41:44 Drew I can get out that way myself, you know.

41:47 Adam You gotta land up there.

41:48 Drew I'm keeping it real. I do?

41:50 Adam Seattle? Do you land up there?

41:51 Drew Yeah.

41:52 Adam It's near Seattle.

41:53 Drew I've never been there, though.

41:54 Adam There you go.

41:55 Drew Austin? Oh, it's near, it's near Seattle?

41:57 Adam It's near.

41:58 Drew Austin. Yeah.

42:00 Hey.

42:01 Drew Hey, you're 16. What's going on?

42:02 Caller Um, I lost my virginity last Friday.

42:06 Drew Yeah, congrats.

42:07 Caller Thank you. And, well, in the whole process, like, I never come like, through the whole thing. Mm-hmm. And I wonder if that's normal or not.

42:21 Adam Yeah, no one ever comes during sex. It never happens.

42:24 Drew No. Yes, no. Look, here's the thing. I'm trying to think. Um, I would say in terms of guys losing their virginity...

42:33 Adam First time out.

42:34 Drew First time out. Okay. Okay, here's... I'm gonna break it into three categories.

42:41 Adam Without telling me. That's why I'm trying this down. First is erectile failure.

42:46 Drew No, no. I'm not gonna do it that way. These are my three categories. Just go along. I'm gonna put the... has an orgasm in a sort of normal time. It has a normal, what you would call just a normal sexual encounter.

42:59 Adam Too long or too fast.

43:00 Drew Yeah, just somewhere in the middle. Then there's too fast and then there's not at all.

43:05 Adam Yes.

43:05 Drew Let me work this out. And this is out of 100%.

43:08 Adam And this is the first time out or just...

43:10 Drew First time out. I'm gonna change that. That might be a little high. I'm going back. All right. I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna do normal... Now, I'm not exaggerating here. I'm going... I'm going real here. Okay. No, wait. Yeah, I'm back. I'm ready.

43:36 Adam I'm gonna say 20% are satisfied with their performance. Normal.

43:41 Drew Well, normal. In the normal range.

43:43 Adam 30% too long, 50% too short.

43:47 Drew Well, now it's not too long. It's not too long. It's not at all.

43:50 Adam Or not at all. Can we put it...

43:54 Drew No. I already decided this.

43:56 Adam 15% not at all and 55% too short.

43:59 Drew Okay. Well, now see, I had 15% not at all.

44:02 Adam That's what I said.

44:02 Drew I know. Yeah. That's interesting.

44:04 Adam And I said 55% here.

44:10 Drew Yeah, I said 45 here. Although I was... As you see, I crossed out my 45. I was going to go with 50. But then I thought, 30%. It seems like, all right, it seems like almost half the guys would have a normal experience. Less than half, but not a ton less than half. I don't think it's 30%.

44:29 Adam Austin, so the point we're making is that men have all kinds of performance problems first time out, erectile dysfunction, orgasmic, you know, too short or too fast or too slow or not at all. So it's very, very common. It's not normal, right? But nothing is normal about your first time out.

44:47 Drew Right, so don't worry about it. That's interesting that we've never, I've never asked you this question and we had the same number, an odd number of 15% for the guys who never have an orgasm at all. You know what that means? That means we're both geniuses and it's exactly 15%.

45:05 Adam Right, that's right.

45:06 Drew That's what it means to me. Zach? Hey, what's up? You're 16?

45:10 Caller Yeah.

45:11 Drew You have a Germany or Florida for us?

45:12 Caller Yes, I do.

45:13 Alright.

45:15 Caller In either Germany or Florida, people are going wild over porn karaoke in which couples are judged on their ability to moan, grunt and squeal during a one-minute muted movie sex scene.

45:26 It's comedy.

45:36 Drew You know, it ends up screwing you up more when you realize you'd heard this story and then can't remember which one it's from because then you go, wait a minute, I think it was, I think it was, I think it was. Yeah, Germany sounds good, but I think I remember Florida. So, I'm just going to Germany, I'm going to Florida.

45:50 Caller Germany.

45:51 Drew Oh, yeah. See, I got screwed up because I'd heard this story about three months ago at the writer's table and thought it was from Germany.

46:00 Adam Sounds funny.

46:00 Drew Or from Florida, I should say. It's kind of funny, isn't it?

46:03 Adam I mean, you could go, the creative possibilities are endless.

46:06 Drew Well, you know, it'd be great is if I was singing the theme.

46:09 Adam To Taboo 2.

46:10 Drew To Taboo 2.

46:16 Caller During, during the...

46:17 Drew You know, it's a bad song when you hear, yes, he does. Some people answering their own statement, you know. He knows how to please in every detail. What's my favorite part of Isondra?

46:34 Adam You thought that you know him, but you don't.

46:38 Drew Quick break, we'll be right back.

46:44 Adam Loine.

46:55 Caller He only reveals what he wants you to see.

47:02 Drew We just gotta get to the part that's my favorite part.

47:04 Adam That's way ahead here.

47:06 Drew Yeah, that's all right. And I just like, I like when she says, yeah, just let it play there. Yeah, here, we're getting to it.

47:13 Caller He only, oh, more than you'd ever.

47:18 Drew This taboo, this taboo too is a great movie. It's about. Thank you. He does it with style. He does it with me. Oh, yes he does. Oh yeah, that's good writing, Drew. Somebody's jealous. Because you're flunked out of opera school. All right, still a good movie. And by the way, Tomorrow Night, young Ron Jeremy in that movie. Look, I talked to him about that.

47:51 Adam You've talked to him all about it.

47:53 Drew Yeah, I know, I like, it's, I have to remind him what movies he was in. Number one, because he's made like 1700 movies. And number two, I'm still looking for Spank Me, F Me.

48:08 Adam He was supposed to get you that, I thought.

48:09 Drew Yeah, a lot of talk that Ron Jeremy, but not a lot in the action department. Yeah. Spank Me, F Me has Minka in it. And I've been wanting to see this ever since I saw the, it got like three boners and half a ball up in the Hustler rating, you know, they, oh, they're very clever.

48:26 Oh my God.

48:27 Caller Yeah. Yeah.

48:28 Adam Oh, that's good times.

48:29 Drew Oh, you ever read those?

48:30 Adam No.

48:31 Drew Oh, they're great. It's like, first off, every racial slur in the book, like, you know, Minka, it's like gave her the Mooshu pork and all that kind of stuff. By the way, she's like Korean or something, but you know, and here's the, in the eyes of the porn readers, it's like, you just gotta stick, you gotta pick one Asian, you can't start getting spread out too thin with your, your nationality characterizations. You know, you just gotta stick with Japanese and that's good, you know. So every movie she's in, it's like a mounting Fuji and you know, that kind of stuff, you know. So a lot of that, a lot of that stuff. All right, so where are we, Drew? Remind me to get that spank me, F me from Ron when he comes in tomorrow. Christy?

49:09 Adam That's the first thing I think of.

49:11 Drew Please, you're 20.

49:14 Caller Okay, I was born with a very high drive, but I've always gotten raw easily, maybe I think because I took the pill for a while.

49:25 Adam Well, you're already sort of off the assumption land. You were born with a high drive.

49:32 Caller Oh, no. Well, I guess, God destined that I would have a high sex drive when I became.

49:39 Adam You weren't sexually abused, weren't exposed to sexual material at a young age.

49:44 Caller I was very little, not very much.

49:49 Adam That's where that comes from.

49:50 Drew What do you mean very little?

49:52 Caller Like three isolated incidents and it wasn't with adults or anything. It was like a neighbor and a friend.

50:00 Drew Listen, we can't question God's molestation schedule. Let's just move forward.

50:08 Adam Premature sexualization results in high or low or back and forth sex drives.

50:14 Drew Maybe she did it because she was whipped up as a youngster. No, no, no. No. Her name is Christy. Your name is Christy, right?

50:22 Adam Yeah.

50:23 Drew That's a hot name.

50:24 Adam All right. So there you go. So something happened to you and that got your sort of wiring set up.

50:29 Drew She can be a little hot anyway.

50:31 Adam And then you said something about taking the pill made you go too long?

50:37 Caller Well, I would want to have sex a lot, but I would get raw easily.

50:40 Adam What does being on the pill have to do with that?

50:42 Caller I don't know. I thought that it would make you dry. I don't know.

50:46 Adam The progesterone on the pill can make you sometimes make people dry.

50:48 Caller All right.

50:49 Drew Well, leave her alone, Drew.

50:50 Adam No, but I'm trying to fit you all over the place.

50:52 Drew What's up?

50:54 Caller So I, I also, I stretched and played with myself a lot prior to losing my virginity because I was afraid to bleed. Hold on. I will tie this in. And then I would play with myself with toys and vibrators and whatnot. And I'm very careful with myself in regards to SEDs and condoms and all that. And I think that I might have kind of made myself larger. And I'm wondering if, you know, now it's not really that painful for me to have sex, even though I get kind of drier. And I'm wondering if that's why girls don't like to have sex as much because, you know, they're smaller and it hurts too much. And my boyfriend has been very polite and they haven't told me that I'm large. And I've asked them specifically, they haven't said so. And I'm just wondering if that's kind of why girls don't want to have sex as much.

51:46 Drew No, but let's... Kristin, you got bigger fish to fry than whatever your question is.

51:52 Adam Yeah, your thinking is all over the place.

51:54 Drew You're a little scattered.

51:56 Caller Sorry about that.

51:57 Drew That's all right. Sometimes you on the radio get a little nervous, but here's what's going on. You were diddled, for lack of a better term. You know, it's not the same. Kid on Kid is nowhere near as bad as old Uncle Lou on top of you. But something went on in your childhood, and it may be a combination of a few things that have gotten you some energy around your vagina, trying to stretch it out, asking guys about the size.

52:27 Adam Yeah, the size doesn't mean nothing.

52:28 Drew Preoccupation with the vagina.

52:31 Adam What do you think happens after child delivery?

52:33 Caller Oh, yeah, good point.

52:35 Adam Yeah, it goes back to normal.

52:37 Drew So anyway, there's a little energy here. All right. So anyway, listen, baby doll, you have a boyfriend right now?

52:47 Caller No.

52:48 Adam And then the other thing about why women aren't as inclined to have sex, listen, if guys' penis fell off after sex, they'd still do it.

52:57 Drew Yes.

52:58 Adam The drives are totally different for a male and a female many times. And guys come in one sort of version, and theirs is to, you know, they jump off a cliff or whatever they had to do. Women, it's not the same biology at all most of the time. Although in her case, there is this sort of, see what she's describing is some of you can't be satisfied basically, which is sexual abuse stuff.

53:19 Drew All right. Just a little therapy for Christy. And stop obsessing on them.

53:24 Adam She's bipolar. She's so disorganized.

53:25 Drew Leave that to me. This guy's been on hold. Weren't we going to talk to someone, we said we'd call back or they were going to call back last night because they were on hold for like 90 something minutes?

53:36 Adam Brian?

53:37 Drew What happened to that? That was a young girl, I think.

53:41 Adam Ryan?

53:42 Caller Yeah?

53:43 Drew You're 19. You tore your foreskin after having sex with a girl who wasn't wet enough.

53:50 Caller Yeah.

53:51 Drew Yeah, it can happen.

53:53 Caller It's not the foreskin, it's toward the base of my penis. Oof. Wow.

53:57 Drew Wait a minute. The base of the head, not the base of the penis.

54:03 Adam No, you can take and get irritated and tear a little bit down there.

54:06 Caller Yeah.

54:07 Drew How do you get, you're going deep, buddy. I mean, you got to really, you got to really be going for it, right? I mean, yeah?

54:18 Generally, yeah. Yeah.

54:19 Drew That's not a flattering story. Like, there's stories that make you seem like you have a small penis, like I got my balls caught in her vagina. Like stuff like that. You got to keep that to yourself.

54:30 Yeah.

54:30 Drew See what I'm saying? It's like when I say I'm taking a dump and I'm taking a leak at the same time and it's squirting out of the toilet and into my pants.

54:37 Adam I was thinking about that. I thought to myself, you think I was nine last year. Yeah.

54:42 Drew It can happen. It can happen. You know what I mean?

54:44 Adam But if I were in Alaska sitting on an ice fishing can.

54:47 Drew Sitting on an ice storm.

54:48 Adam Yeah.

54:49 Drew You're taking a crap in a frozen river.

54:51 Caller All right.

54:52 Drew So listen, Ryan.

54:53 Yeah.

54:54 Drew But the area underneath the penis where the balls are attached?

54:59 Caller No, on the top. That side just gets kind of.

55:04 On the top.

55:05 Adam Yeah, I can do it. I can. It's probably just an irritation more than a tear.

55:09 Drew It's nothing to tear there.

55:11 Adam You can tear anywhere, but.

55:13 Drew Nothing to tear there.

55:14 Adam You just rub it raw. You're talking. Scab on it. The scab on it. You just rub it. It could be. That even could be herpes.

55:21 Drew Yeah. Look on the bright side. It could be herpes.

55:23 Caller Well, I've had a STD test and I came up negative.

55:28 Adam What'd they test you for?

55:28 Caller I don't know.

55:32 Adam Well, there is no test for herpes really that's reliable.

55:34 Drew A.

55:36 Adam Hopefully they tested you for syphilis, which is a blood test. Syphilis could cause a scab.

55:40 Caller They did do that.

55:41 Adam And then the chlamydia test they can do. And gonorrhea is just with urine now.

55:45 Drew And yeah. So it was the top part that got irritated. Yeah.

55:52 Adam And she was dry and just, you know. That happens. It just happened to her. Oh my God. Ouch.

55:57 Drew And sometimes they get there. They get a little shave and stubble or something down there, too, you know, they can wear off. Here's the whole thing, everybody. When you're humping, it's dangerous. And I'll tell you why. It's like it's like, you know, you come home from the dentist after a mouthful of Novocaine and you start eating, you could easily puncture a hole in your lip or your gum. You can bite yourself.

56:20 Adam You don't know it. Second overtime in the New England game and you're your quarterback, you're numb.

56:26 Drew You don't know to stop. You don't know when the pain because the endorphins are pumping. You're feeling pretty good about yourself. And that's where it's like, I know people like banging doggy style on some bad rust colored shag. They stand up. Their knees are bloody. Believe me, if you were working, you know, if you were putting some carpet down or looking for your contact lens and your knees start to get bloody, you would stop well before they got bloody. You'd be on. You'd be irritated. You'd be like, ow, this hurts. What's going on here? You can be humping where we're down to the bone. Not even stop. Yes, Drew. Remember those days?

57:04 Adam That's why I don't have patella.

57:05 Drew You don't have patella? Was that kneecap? Patella. Calling all nerds.

57:13 Caller Taylor. Hello.

57:16 Drew Hello.

57:17 Caller Who is it?

57:19 Drew Who is this?

57:19 No, all of a sudden it went scratch and then went shee. And someone said hello. I thought someone cut into my line.

57:28 Drew Are you smoking pot, baby?

57:31 No way. I don't do drugs, but that's why I'm actually calling.

57:34 Drew All right. What's the question?

57:36 Okay. My brother, I just want to get some, like, I guess, family direction and family advice. My brother's fought his whole life and he went through really bad divorce or he's going, he's, like, in the process of it. And my mom and I suspect that he's doing other drugs. So we've both, you know, talked to him about it and he said, he hasn't actually, he hasn't confirmed it, but he hasn't denied it either. He just doesn't say anything when we ask him. So that tells us that he is. The problem is it's not so much that it's him, but he has a two-year-old son and that's everything to my mom and I as well. And we just want to know the right people to get help for him and to know in the right direction of who we should talk to. I really don't know this area because...

58:19 Drew Well, wait a second. Did he say he was doing drugs?

58:23 He didn't say it, but okay, my sister-in-law was like, she was doing, she was addicted to like whatever stuff they give you for migraines, like Percocet and like, I don't know, whatever, some stuff they give you for migraines and she always, she was addicted to pain medication and I've never known my brother to do coke or speed, but he acts, that's what he acts like and my mom, my mom just knows because she knows my brother and I guess supposedly he brought it up to my uncle and just like through the family, like word of mouth, it got to my grandma and my grandma was like, your brother's doing coke, your brother's doing coke. We just don't know who to talk to, like who. I was a child counselor for like 10 years, but I've never had to deal with like an adult who an adult would go to if they were doing drugs.

59:16 Adam He needs to come in, he needs to come in to a program and spend a little time.

59:21 Now who do I call, like is there like a 1-800 number?

59:25 Adam No, you can call his insurance company and see what he's got covered, what hospitals in the area that would cover his treatment and they just take him there.

59:33 He has his own company, he has his own business though.

59:35 Adam Yeah, but I'm sure he has an insurance, have a health insurance.

59:37 Drew Not necessarily. Does he have insurance you think?

59:41 Adam I'm sure he has health insurance. Taylor, all right Taylor, you're trying to orchestrate something that you really can't first of all. It's about him. You have to talk to him, tell him to get help, call his insurance company, get a place to go and go. All you can do is A, participate in the family component of treatment when that time comes and in the meantime go to Al-Anon, get a sponsor and work the steps yourself. That has the highest probability of getting him to treatment. That's it. That's all you can do. Beyond that, it's leveraging him any way you can. If he drives drunk, that kind of thing, you call the police, you have him arrested until he gets the message he's got to do something.

1:00:16 Drew I'm arrested.

1:00:16 Adam Yeah.

1:00:17 Drew You don't narc out your own brother.

1:00:19 Adam If you're trying to save their lives, you do whatever you have to do to get them to treatment.

1:00:22 Drew If you get to 502 and DUI, your insurance goes up, come on, I'll kill my sister if she did that.

1:00:27 Adam The carnage of the disease.

1:00:31 Drew I was raised by aliens, so it's always bizarre to me when it's like my mom and I confronted him. But Drew, I know you're the same in that I don't think you've ever had a meaningful conversation with a member of your family. Have you? Sure.

1:00:44 Adam I've had a meaningful conversation.

1:00:45 Drew Yes. Has anyone ever given you any advice or like said, now listen, Drew, we're worried about your mother and I have been discussing this. Have you ever had anything? You have. Holy Christ. Well, I stand corrected. I've never had one of those conversations with anybody in my family. I mean, I avoid it, but they have no idea what I'm up to. I have zero idea what they're up to and that's the way we like it.

1:01:08 Adam It's perfect.

1:01:09 Drew So you've had, you've had, you've had your dad like pull you aside and say like, son, but I mean, these are like your grades are slipping. Really? I'm going to talk off the air.I can't picture you having actual conversations with your family.

1:01:26 Adam We have conversations there.

1:01:27 Drew They talk to you. And you sit and listen. But they, they, they hand out advice and they tell you need to do this and you should be doing more of that. And you're not, you're not being enough like this. Really? Well, never had a conversation with anyone I've found about anything. I mean, other than, Hey, how's it going? It's going good. Going good. Good. Fine. What's up? No, nothing.

1:01:48 Adam You sure you had a family?

1:01:49 Drew I don't know. I mean, we talk about stuff, but no one ever said, like, are you getting enough of this? Are you doing that? Are you on this? You do that? What's the deal? You're going to get married? You're going to have kids? You're going to do a job? But then you have insurance? Never had a conversation? Never. Never. Never about education? Never about, like, model insurance?

1:02:06 Adam Not normal.

1:02:06 Drew That's not normal?

1:02:07 Adam Hey, well, listen, Taylor.

1:02:08 Drew Low maintenance. You know what I'm saying?

1:02:09 Adam I don't see Annie. I want to give her. Can you, can you give her this? You can call right now if you want. It's the 626-356-2789. 626-356-2789. Talk to her some more about what needs to be done.

1:02:22 Drew Uh-huh. Who's doing the talking in your family? Is your dad doing the talking?

1:02:26 Adam Everybody talks.

1:02:27 Drew Really? She's talking at you. Dad and mom. That's the other thing, too. If your parents get divorced, you don't have to deal with them.

1:02:35 Ah.

1:02:35 Drew Because when they're...

1:02:36 Adam Plus, they feel so guilty, then, that they let you do whatever.

1:02:38 Yeah.

1:02:39 Adam Maybe that's why they didn't talk to you. They felt too guilty.

1:02:42 Drew Yeah. That's more apathy than guilt. But the point is, is when your parents are together, they sit around, they lie in bed at night.

1:02:49 Adam I don't know.

1:02:50 Drew I'm worried about Drew. What's that, honey? Well, his grades haven't been what we know. We pay a lot of money for that college of his. Yes, I know. And he doesn't seem grateful. Well, we'll talk to him next time. See, when they get divorced, there's none of that. Your mom's just got some hippie slackers. He's caved in on the sofa, drunk. Your dad's trying to nail some chick who's 20 years younger from work. They're busy with their own crap. They don't even know who you are. That is no part. They don't have it. You're not a common topic anymore. Let's see, Drew, your parents should have got divorced. They'd be in much better shape. Dan?

1:03:29 Hello?

1:03:30 Drew You're 22.

1:03:32 Caller Yes, I am.

1:03:33 Drew What's up?

1:03:34 Caller Well, I'm a virgin, first of all, and I just wanted to say, with my girlfriend, we didn't have sex, but I don't know how to say it, but I asked her, well, you know, and I have bumps on my penis now that weren't there before, and I wanted to know if I could get something from doing that.

1:04:00 Drew You know, I'm glad you brought up the TF-ing.

1:04:04 Adam Yeah.

1:04:04 Drew TF-ing. Here's the reason, because there's no alternative for the term TF.

1:04:16 Adam Really?

1:04:17 Drew There's no boob screw. Really? Well, a banger in the jugs.

1:04:26 Bust bang.

1:04:27 Drew Bust bang? Still, that would take as we did, because see, around here, that would take a while to process. Like some of those, I was bust banging. I think you were doing drugs.

1:04:36 Caller I just made it up.

1:04:37 Drew Oh, Anderson. I knew you didn't do it as kids. All right. So look, here's the deal. I remember as a kid thinking about that going, wow, who would let me, who's going to let me do that? And whoever they are, it's going to be good.

1:04:50 Adam Watch out.

1:04:51 Drew Watch out. Got a lot of love saved up for that woman.

1:04:53 Adam How could you possibly get an STD from that? I can't even creatively come up with a way. You're just it's skin against skin. Right?

1:05:04 Caller Yeah, pretty much. I guess. I mean, give me oral sex.

1:05:07 Adam Yeah. So what are you freaking out about?

1:05:09 Caller I don't understand this.

1:05:11 Caller Well, because there's something on my penis that wasn't there before I did that. I mean, I've only done it once, too.

1:05:18 Adam How long ago did you do it?

1:05:20 Caller It was maybe four days ago.

1:05:23 Drew Well, this is this is bogus. Something's wrong. Something's wrong with this question. I don't know what it is, but there's something wrong with it. You don't get anything from that. No, God wouldn't let that happen.

1:05:37 Adam No.

1:05:37 Caller You know what I mean?

1:05:39 Drew This is a beautiful moment shared between two people who love each other. God would not rub his filthy, herped hands on a beautiful moment like that. Not my God. That's for damn sure. You know, your other problem was growing up, Drew? Your parents did stuff like you let you use a car, sent you to college. That means they can do some talking. That's you're going to do the same with your kids. You just boot your kids out, they don't do anything. Right. You can't talk.

1:06:12 Adam You have no leverage.

1:06:14 Drew No privilege. You talk all you want, old man. What are you doing? What do you want to go back to my crappy apartment on my enduro motorcycle? Screw you. Yeah, that's great. Yeah. See, Drew, you should do you should pay your own way through college like I did. No, wait a minute. All right. Well, junior college. We got to take a break. Same thing. Same education, Drew guy. No doubt about that. When we come back, we're going to speak to Amanda's 20. Not in love with boyfriend anymore. Stays with him or at least unfair. OK, so she's she's she's keeping this going. And they think they're doing it because they they like that. You know, it's like, I can't I can't hurt him. But really, you're dragging it on.

1:06:56 Adam Oh, he just is driving the knife in. And during that time, when you're just staying around, believe me, you're torturing him.

1:07:02 Drew Oh, and believe me, he knows.

1:07:04 Adam Yeah.

1:07:04 Drew Drew. I mean, I don't know. I've had countless relationships where that part starts creeping in and it goes like a year or so. Yeah, it can. And here's how it starts. It starts with, you know, it's like, look, when you're firing on all cylinders, when things are working, you can call that person up at Friday at 830 at night and go and go, what are you doing right now? And they'll go, nothing. And you go, I'm coming over.

1:07:31 Adam Great.

1:07:33 Drew Now, when ass ain't working, you call Monday, like, listen, Saturday, how about some dinner? Saturday. If they repeat, if they repeat the day that you said, it's always bad.

1:07:46 Adam And then here's where guys like Adam and I go with that. We start getting insane. I'm coming over there now. What are you doing?

1:07:54 Drew I hear a man breathing.

1:07:56 Adam Right. And that's now you're in that mode until they clear the bands, you get in the bum rush mode and now you're completely panicking. What are they doing? What are they up to? They're panicking that they're going to leave. And you're trying to try to re-lament all the time.

1:08:09 Drew All right.

1:08:10 Adam It's horrible. Okay. Now I'm totally depressed.

1:08:14 Drew Okay. But it's all right because we'll go to the bathroom and we'll do a ceremonial and symbolic cleansing in the sink.

1:08:21 Adam Oh, in the sink. No.

1:08:26 Drew In the sink. No, I'm going to baptize myself.

1:08:29 Adam Oh, in urine.

1:08:30 Drew No, not my own urine. I don't always be in the sink. And I don't do it in commercial buildings because the bathroom, the counter, the sink is set back like eight inches from the edge of the counter. I think they're trying to discourage people like me. I will take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:08:46 Caller Thank you for calling Love Line. Your call will be answered in the order it seems interesting.

1:08:53 Drew 1-800-LOVE-191. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. Thanks for listening. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:09:15 Adam Big promotion, Cabin Fever.

1:09:17 Drew That's right. Everybody. Are we still doing that?

1:09:19 Adam Yeah, we have one more to do. This is a 18 and over, gets a DVD of the movie Cabin Fever, which comes out. Everyone who calls. Everyone who calls, who's 18 or over, and this DVD is coming out.

1:09:27 Drew Oh no, everyone we talk to.

1:09:29 Adam Yes, everyone we speak to.

1:09:30 Drew And at the rate, I like to tell personal stories.

1:09:33 Adam Could be three of you, and we'll get to stay.

1:09:34 Drew We'll give away like half a, we'll give away a D-V.

1:09:38 Adam A D-V. The DVD itself comes out January 20th, and those of you that win the DVD tonight get put in a drawing to win a trip for four airfare tickets, lift tickets, and a cabin in Whistler, British Columbia.

1:09:51 Drew And let me say this.

1:09:53 Caller Great resort.

1:09:54 Drew I know you guys, you know, everyone sits home and I think, take more calls. Yeah, everyone. Stop this incessant rambling.

1:10:01 Adam Yes.

1:10:02 Drew The nasally drone of this man. Okay, but think about the people that are gonna be in the running to get the tickets to Whistler. Here's the deal. Normally you'd say, well, over the course of four or five days when we do this promotion, oh, there's gonna be hundreds.

1:10:21 Adam Oh, I see as few as possible.

1:10:23 Drew Well, it's just, I take three calls a night.

1:10:25 Adam Yes, it increases your probability of winning.

1:10:27 Drew Two of the calls are people under 18. So when we finally pick the thing at the end of the week, you got like a 35% chance of going to Whistler.

1:10:36 Adam So keep up rambling, Adam, that's right.

1:10:38 Drew That's what I'm saying.

1:10:39 Adam Unfortunately, most of us are not in this drawing. So the eight that are in the drawing will be wishing for you to ramble.

1:10:44 Drew All right, I won't feel about this any longer. Amanda?

1:10:48 Hi.

1:10:49 Drew You're 20?

1:10:50 Caller Yes, I am.

1:10:51 Drew What's up, baby doll?

1:10:53 Nothing. It's that I never really was.

1:10:59 Adam Oh, that's even better. Well.

1:11:03 And second, yes, it has been dragging on, but I have approached the subject with him. We've talked about it. He wants to work it out.

1:11:11 Adam No, Amanda, of course he wants to work it out. He's in love with you. He has a different perception of this relationship. You have to slam the door shut, block up the keyhole, not leave a possibility of this going any further if you're out.

1:11:25 Drew Why?

1:11:25 Adam It's unfair to him.

1:11:26 Drew Why did you get together with him if you never really were into him? Were you rebounding off of something? Listen, all you screwball 20-year-old chicks, you were trying to fool me. We were friends. Who do you think you're talking to here? No, you.

1:11:49 Adam You need a life preserver.

1:11:50 Drew Yeah, you had a bad boy screw you over a little bit and this guy was so loving and so there and so consistent.

1:11:59 Adam And by the way, she just thought he was just such a good friend. He was waiting for this moment.

1:12:03 Drew This guy would never disappoint you. You got with him and now you're disappointed.

1:12:07 Adam Think about the diabolical nature of males. Waiting like a lion in the brush for that antelope herd to come by and as soon as the one with the broken leg heads out towards the side, pow! That's Amanda.

1:12:16 Drew Listen, you know what you need to do to him? Here's what you need to say to him. You say, look, let's get philosophical about this whole thing. You're not really my type. Just listen. I was never interested in you much more than a friend, but you got to nail me a handful of times and that's going on your permanent record and feel free to beat off to that whenever you like. So now, instead of crying over spilled milk, you could think, well, The glass is half full. I got in the pants of this hot chick I'd been pining for for a number of years and we had a few good rolls and that wasn't going to last, but it could have been, we could have just stayed friends.

1:13:00 Adam Yeah, but the guy that's going to pull that friend waiting in the brush, ain't the guy that's going to take that kind of directive.

1:13:07 Drew You guys were together for a year?

1:13:11 Adam Amanda, just you got to say hello. I mean, I'm out.

1:13:13 Drew Are you interested in somebody at work? Who are you interested in?

1:13:18 Somebody, but it didn't work out, so there's nobody now.

1:13:25 Adam So you went ahead and cheated on this guy anyway? This is why the guys are freaking out when they feel like a girl playing away. They know this is what's going to happen. All right.

1:13:39 Listen.

1:13:39 Adam Listen.

1:13:41 Drew This isn't an evil cat-like-eyed-devil lady. You tell them it's time for you to ramble.

1:13:49 Adam Yeah. You were being extremely, extremely unfair to this guy. This is destructive behavior for him.

1:14:01 Drew She's like one of these queens from New Orleans.

1:14:05 Adam We would say the same thing.

1:14:06 Drew She's like a Cajun queen from New Orleans.

1:14:09 Adam We'd say the same thing. Yeah, that's good. We'd say the same thing to a guy who was cheating. Just, hey, cut her loose, you're being destructive to her. And a guy in this condition who had pine for you and now is clinging to you, that's just a mess.

1:14:22 Drew It's clearly rambling time for Amanda. And while women don't normally ramble.

1:14:27 Adam Don't ramble by finding another penis and rambling with that. That's bad. That'll hurt the guy more. Just ramble because you're rambling. That's it. You gotta go.

1:14:35 Drew Oh, you're a rambling woman.

1:14:36 Adam And slam the door. Do not leave the crack in the door.

1:14:40 Drew All right.

1:14:40 Adam No emails, no phone calls. Nothing. Six months.

1:14:43 Drew Drew, as bad as it is getting dumped, nothing worse than dumping somebody else. Is there?

1:14:50 Adam Yes.

1:14:51 Drew There is?

1:14:51 Adam Getting dumped.

1:14:52 Drew Getting dumped. All right. Fair enough. Javier?

1:14:56 Hey, what's up?

1:14:57 Drew What's happening? You're 24. Yeah.

1:14:59 Caller What's up? What's going on? Yeah, I got a question. Mm-hmm. Maybe my wife's been married for about, I'd say, seven months.

1:15:08 Drew Hold on. I was just thinking about something. Nationalities that can't ramble effectively, Asians.

1:15:16 Adam They're not going to ramble?

1:15:17 Drew They can pick up a leaf, but they can't ramble. You don't hear a guy named Toshi rambling.

1:15:26 Adam No moisture rambling either.

1:15:27 Drew It's time for me to...

1:15:28 Caller Right?

1:15:28 Drew Yeah. It's time for me to put on my sandals and ceremonial robe and headband and the rising sun on it and ramble. No.

1:15:39 Caller Yeah.

1:15:39 Drew There's no Jews, no Asians, not good rambling. Rambling is basically the domain of the white men, but the black guys do a fair amount of rambling too. They're good ramblers. They don't announce it. They don't brag about it like the white men. They quietly pick up a leaf.

1:15:54 Adam You know, the Hispanic cultures tend to stay put too.

1:15:57 Yeah.

1:15:57 Drew They're not ramblers. They like to stay and cook.

1:16:01 Yeah.

1:16:02 Drew Chris, our engineers, got a little Latin blood in him. You're no good for rambling. That's not your thing. You guys, here's the thing. You ramble over the border and you put stakes in the ground, you set up and that's it. No more rambling now. White guys ramble, black guys ramble.

1:16:19 Adam Well, you know, the rambling is really people that don't have-

1:16:22 Drew Jews don't ramble.

1:16:24 Adam Well, the non-ramblers are the ones that make a high priority stable families. Right? I mean, you can't have a stable family if you're rambling.

1:16:31 Drew There's- there's- I don't know if you've ever heard the 70s rambling. It was- there was one Jewish rambling song, which was, I asked my mom if I could ramble, and she said no. You remember that one? Yeah, I do. So I stayed- I stayed home. She said I could ramble, but I had to do it in the backyard. And then it would come in when streetlights came on. Javier?

1:16:54 Caller Yeah, what's up?

1:16:55 Drew You a Latin brother?

1:16:56 Caller I'm Hispanic.

1:16:58 Drew Hispanic. Beautiful. Okay. Don't try to ramble.

1:17:02 Adam No.

1:17:02 Drew It's not a good rambling breed.

1:17:04 Adam And part of the rambling is the rambling is passed down. I mean, Hispanic families are very stable and large.

1:17:09 Drew Yeah. Your dad would have had to have been a rambling man. Too. Oh, he was. Well, a true rambling dad, you don't know.

1:17:17 Adam Yeah, you would know.

1:17:19 Drew He rambled. He's too busy rambling.

1:17:20 Adam He's dropped off some sperm and left.

1:17:22 Drew That's right. He rambled. Go ahead, Javier.

1:17:26 Caller Me and my wife are married. I said about five months ago, like into our marriage, she found out that she has herpes. But yet I don't have them.

1:17:37 Adam How did she find this out?

1:17:40 Caller She found it out because she broke out a little bit and she went to a doctor and she told them what she had and they said, well, that's what you have.

1:17:48 Adam So did they come back?

1:17:50 Caller Did they come back? No, they haven't. No, she's been taking medicine though.

1:17:54 Drew To suppress it?

1:17:56 Adam Yeah.

1:17:57 Drew I mean, she's been taking a pill every day?

1:18:01 Adam Valtrex?

1:18:02 Caller I don't know what kind of pill. It's a blue one.

1:18:04 Drew It must be a wonderful kickboxer by the way, because it's in a commercial.

1:18:08 Adam Well, there's one of two possibilities here. One is that she had it for a long time, didn't know it, had an outbreak, which happens. Something like 30% or more of women that have it don't know they have it. For whatever reason, didn't pass it to you and then got on an antiviral medication quickly enough that the virus got suppressed and again, not being passed on to you. Or they got the diagnosis wrong, which happens a lot, happens a lot with her.

1:18:34 Drew Well, what do you mean? It's something else? Oh, they misdiagnosed it the first time. All right. Do you think she's been rambling behind your back?

1:18:43 Caller No, no, I've asked her that thousands of times. Well, she did mess around like before we were married with two other guys, but yeah, she has seen them.

1:18:53 Drew Wait a minute. While you guys were dating or?

1:18:55 Caller No, no, no, no. This is way before.

1:18:58 Drew All right. That's not, you're allowed to do whatever you want before you get married.

1:19:01 Adam And by the way, when I hear stories like that, it's like, to me, it's like an alcoholic estimating their drink consumption.

1:19:06 Drew Yeah.

1:19:06 Adam Just multiply times five. Right. Yeah, you messed around with one of the two guys.

1:19:13 Drew And also, you can, I mean, it's possible, you can get this stuff from, I don't know, what else?

1:19:22 Adam Well, more importantly, more than that, people can have it and it can lay dormant for a long time. They not know they have it. And that's that.

1:19:29 Drew Yeah.

1:19:29 Adam That happens a lot.

1:19:30 Drew All right.

1:19:31 Adam 117 minutes there, old Andrea.

1:19:35 Drew Do I want to hold for 117 minutes?

1:19:37 Caller Yeah.

1:19:38 Drew She's not a rambling gal. She's not going anywhere.

1:19:42 Caller Andrea?

1:19:44 Caller Hey. Thirteen?

1:19:48 Adam No cabin fever for Andrea.

1:19:50 Caller Yeah.

1:19:50 Drew You gotta be 18. Call back in five years. We'll give you a DVD of Cabin Fever and I'll kill myself if I'm not.

1:19:58 Adam Yeah.

1:19:59 Drew What's up, baby doll?

1:20:06 Adam No.

1:20:07 Drew No.

1:20:07 Adam Very easy.

1:20:08 Drew No. He's a bad, bad boy.

1:20:10 Adam Wait till you're 20 and look back and think about the fact that you were dating someone 20 when you were 13 and who that guy would be. Who of your 20-year-old peers, who of your 20-year-old peers would date a 13-year-old? You will vomit when the time comes.

1:20:26 Drew What grade are you in? Eighth grade? Uh-huh. Yes. That is scary. And furthermore, well, let's see, I guess eighth graders will turn 14 toward the end of the year. When's your birthday? In July. For Christ's sake, a young, a young eighth grader, too, I mean, could. Oh, hold on a second. Yeah, that's the thing. You're dating a seventh grader. Think about that. Mm-hmm.

1:20:59 Adam He should be a senior in college.

1:21:01 Drew Yeah.

1:21:01 Adam If he were in school.

1:21:03 Drew I guess he's an Ivy leaguer. But the point is, his seventh grader? What's this guy do for a living?

1:21:14 Adam Shocking. Wait a minute, I'm shocked.

1:21:16 Caller Oh.

1:21:17 Caller He works at his dad's shop every once in a while when he's forced to.

1:21:22 Caller All right.

1:21:24 Adam This guy's a drug addict, too. What do you do?

1:21:25 Drew Hate your parents?

1:21:27 Caller What?

1:21:27 Drew Where are your parents, and why do you hate them so much?

1:21:30 Caller I don't know where my parents are.

1:21:31 Adam Are you in the system?

1:21:33 Caller No, I was kind of adopted.

1:21:35 Caller Uh-huh.

1:21:36 Drew Well, were you adopted by those of your parents, the people that adopted you?

1:21:41 Caller Why?

1:21:41 Because I just don't.

1:21:41 Drew How old were you when you were adopted?

1:21:54 Caller How old were you when you were adopted?

1:21:54 Adam Three? Uh-huh.

1:21:55 You don't look at those people as your mother and father?

1:21:55 Caller Why not?

1:21:55 Caller Because I just don't.

1:21:56 Drew Oh, okay.

1:21:56 Caller Hold on.

1:21:56 Adam That explains it. Wait, wait, wait. She doesn't consider them her parents because she just doesn't.

1:22:04 Drew Slow down. Slow down.

1:22:04 Adam Maybe you thought you knew her.

1:22:06 Drew But you don't. Uh, Andrea?

1:22:10 Adam Yeah?

1:22:10 Drew Well, I understand you're angry and, you know, maybe I'm hurt to be, and especially given away at the age three. Did your mom give you up at age three? Did your mother give you up at age three?

1:22:23 All right.

1:22:25 Drew So she was some sort of junkie or something?

1:22:28 Caller She was like addicted to every drug out there.

1:22:31 Drew All right. So that's tough. But what's, and I know you're angry at whoever the person over 30 that's close to you is, but what? Stop saying what?

1:22:43 Caller I'm not.

1:22:45 Adam You're not saying what?

1:22:48 Drew Unless Anderson's playing.

1:22:49 Adam Were you dropping that in Anderson?

1:22:52 Caller Only once. She has been saying it a lot.

1:22:55 Drew All right. Listen, Anderson, please don't do that. Can you please not do your own show over there? Oh, my God, did she get enough with last night dropping in Max's voice?

1:23:11 Adam I'm sorry, Max just had a kid.

1:23:12 Caller I wanted to pay him tribute.

1:23:14 Drew All right. Well, write him a goddamn note, would you? He named it Adam.

1:23:16 Caller All right.

1:23:18 Drew Well, say I said hi.

1:23:20 Adam Let's finish with Andrew. He's really so disturbed. We're not discussing. It's just a sad, sad situation.

1:23:25 Drew I'm angry. I'm going to the bathroom.

1:23:26 Adam What are you mad about? You're at Anderson, but Andrew needs some direction. All right.

1:23:30 Drew Well, she can hang on. All right. We'll be back.

1:23:39 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:23:41 Caller Loveline will be right back.

1:23:49 Caller Tap, tap, blab, blab, blab, blab, blab, blab, blab, blab, blab, blab, blab, blab, blab, blab, blab, blab, blab, blab, blab, blab, blab, blab, blab, blab, blab, blab, blab, blab, blab, blab. Blab. It's a separate channel.

1:24:49 Caller Yeah.

1:24:50 Drew We're hearing another song? And they play commercials on some of the satellite stations.

1:24:53 Caller But they don't do that.

1:24:54 Drew We got to break away from weather traffic. Don't get me going, Drew, but I do, I have a visceral anger. You know, I start getting angry.

1:25:07 Caller Andrea.

1:25:08 Drew Yeah, oops. Press the wrong one.

1:25:11 Caller Andrea?

1:25:12 Drew All right, she's 13. What are your parents doing, your adopted parents? Why do you hate them so much?

1:25:19 Caller They like, give me no freedom.

1:25:22 Drew Yeah, well, maybe they're worried about. They're worried if they let you out, you'd climb on top of a 20-year-old guy. Yeah, okay.

1:25:32 Adam And maybe do drugs?

1:25:34 Caller What?

1:25:35 Adam And maybe do drugs?

1:25:36 Caller Wait a minute, what is that?

1:25:38 Caller What is maybe, how am I do?

1:25:40 Adam But that's my point. Your parents are trying to contain your behavior so you don't harm yourself.

1:25:45 Caller Yeah.

1:25:46 Drew Drew, let me say this. If I adopted Andrea when she was three, and now she's banging some 20-year-old and doing drugs and all pissed off and defying, like, you're not my real mommy. Baby, get in the car, we're going to Disneyland, and we pull right up front of the adoption thing and be like, hey, I know, I'm taking her back. And I'm dropping her off. I'm sorry, it didn't work out. She was cool. We had a good Christmas. We're cool, we're cool. When she was about seven and a half, we had one good Christmas. But really, she's a disaster. I gotta be honest, we're not really equipped for this. We didn't know. It's like returning a puppy to the pound.

1:26:19 Adam Well, this is interesting. You make an interesting point because I bet.

1:26:21 Drew I knew that.

1:26:22 Adam Well, Andrea, I bet between zero and three, you saw, maybe you don't remember, but I bet you have a sense that you saw a lot of horrible stuff.

1:26:29 Caller Yeah, like I had to watch my brother being molested.

1:26:35 Adam So by the time you were three, there was so much severe trauma that, I mean, a team, an entire team of mental health workers and psychiatrists would have trouble putting all the pieces back together again. And what I find amusing is the parents that pick up kids like this and go, well, we're gonna love them, and then everything's gonna be fine.

1:26:57 Caller Well, they kind of adopted the person who had me before they adopted me. You get that?

1:27:04 Adam You adopted your mom?

1:27:05 Caller Yeah.

1:27:08 Adam Well, look, it's all bad, it's all tough. At least you had a roof over your head, and here's what they can do for you, that all the love in the world isn't gonna change what's happened to your brain and your soul as a result on your spiritual self as a result of these horrible traumas. But they can contain your behaviors, and they're doing that, and that's hard work. It's much easier to let you run like a feral child with your 20-year-old buddy. Believe me, these people are trying to do what's good for you. You need to really, and the only...

1:27:36 Drew I will tort my kid if they pull this crap.

1:27:38 Adam Any possibility of a 12-step program for you or something where you can connect with people who've been traumatized and are doing drugs. There are other ways to handle these feelings you're having. It's really tough, really bad times.

1:27:52 Drew I feel like, first off, there's not a 13-year-old chick that doesn't hate everyone around anyway.

1:27:57 Adam But imagine between zero and three what she saw. The drug-addicted parents, the brother getting sexually abused, the violence, the moving, oh my God.

1:28:05 Drew What is it about chicks when they're 13 and they hate everybody? My sister hated, like, oh, she hated my stepdad, she hated my stepmom, it's like they hate, they just can't stand everybody. And I was like, look, they're no great parents, but they're not doing anything. They're just some dopes that got tied up in this crappy family. I feel sorry for them, really. I hate them. It's like, they just look around. What is that? Is it the bad wiring they have? They're wired like a British sports car from the late 50s, early 60s. They just kept those bad parts in them. They don't work out. That's what I do. I dart her and put her down for months. I freeze her.

1:28:46 Adam Andrea?

1:28:47 Drew Yes. Yeah.

1:28:49 Adam Tasha? Yeah. 16.

1:28:51 Drew What's up? Yes.

1:29:02 Adam Technically, yeah. And it's just interesting though, how virginity has become a technicality and not sort of a reflection of chastity, which is what it was originally intended to mean. Yeah. And oral sex, historically, is something that came after intercourse. There's considered more intimate. And so by sort of historical standards, it would be sort of bizarre even to ask that question, but yeah, technically you're still virgin.

1:29:24 Drew You both did it to each other? You'd still be a virgin. Who you worried about?

1:29:32 Caller I just was wondering.

1:29:35 Adam Just for yourself?

1:29:36 Caller Yeah.

1:29:38 Adam Still a virgin.

1:29:39 Drew Do you want to hang on to your virginity?

1:29:41 Caller Yeah.

1:29:42 Adam Good, hang on tighter.

1:29:44 Drew For how long?

1:29:47 For like 18, almost.

1:29:48 Drew 19, okay. Well, keep going. But your grip is loosening. Do we have some of the smartest callers in Talk Radio?

1:30:01 Adam We do.

1:30:02 Drew You know, these right wingers, these Limbaugh's of the world, these Sean Hannity's, or these guys who they're politically driven, right wing, you know, white male, 40 something year old demographic shows on, they do it on AM radio. They think they have a smart, educated audience. I put their audience, I put our audience against theirs.

1:30:24 Adam Oh, any day, they'd wipe it out. I had a little debate on CNN tonight with a guy named Armstrong Williams, a black conservative radio talk show host.

1:30:32 Drew Yeah, really?

1:30:33 Adam Really interesting guy, yeah.

1:30:34 Drew A little fart go there. Yeah, why, what was his thing?

1:30:38 Adam They were just talking about team pregnancies.

1:30:39 Drew What do you think?

1:30:40 Adam He called me an enabler. It was very funny. He was very good.

1:30:42 Drew Oh, because you tell people to put a condom on or?

1:30:45 Adam Yeah, because I was saying that we should let kids leave school and come back if they're pregnant. Get their training so they don't start falling out of the system and they don't have another kid and just end up being more screwed up people, more screwed up kids. He said, no, no, they gotta be shamed into this and I'm an enabler now. It's very interesting. It was fun. Yeah, I said, yeah, I'm an enabler.

1:31:05 Drew Good times.

1:31:06 Adam Good times.

1:31:07 Drew Alex?

1:31:07 Yeah.

1:31:08 Drew You're 18?

1:31:09 Caller Yeah.

1:31:10 Drew You get physically nauseous when you see ex-girlfriend around school.

1:31:16 Caller Yeah, or just anywhere, you know.

1:31:18 Drew Yeah.

1:31:19 Adam How long have you been broken up?

1:31:21 Caller Since like early October.

1:31:23 Adam She broke up with you?

1:31:24 Caller I broke up with her.

1:31:26 Adam Yeah? Why'd you break up?

1:31:28 Caller Um, we were gone for a while. And then-

1:31:30 Adam Oh, that explains it.

1:31:31 Caller I see. Well, it was just, I mean, I liked her a lot at first, but she grew kind of attached, like really attached, and it freaked me out.

1:31:38 Adam How dare she?

1:31:39 Caller Yeah, and no, I'm like, she warned me too. She was like, yeah, in past relationships, you know.

1:31:46 Adam Oh, so you're not nauseated like you're nervous and upset. You're nauseated, you actually don't like her.

1:31:51 Caller No, no, no, no. Well, here's the weird thing. Like I grew to not like being in a relationship, but none of it really made sense. And then afterwards, like seeing her at all right now, like she's, I mean, she's kind of unstable, you know, a little anti-talkative, but like it's, it almost feels like it's just, you know, instinct.

1:32:14 Adam You hate her.

1:32:15 Drew Hold on a second.

1:32:16 Caller No, no, no, no, no.

1:32:17 Drew Listen, thank Christ there's about six seconds of this show left for me to go home and shut up my brain of all you idiots.

1:32:23 Caller I'll put it this way. I feel like I hate her, but if you add everything up, I shouldn't.

1:32:29 Adam Right. Well, this is basically envy. You're so, you've been, anybody that would want you has, you have to, first of all, get rid of her. You have to kind of soil her. You have to demean her in order to deal with the departure. And then also sometimes people have a certain quality where if somebody is willing to be close and intimate with them, there's something wrong with them. They're spoiled by that. So it's either case, not the greatest emotional impulses. Yeah, we'll be right back.

1:32:53 Caller Okay, so I know there's nothing wrong with me. So what's up?

1:32:58 Caller Why can't I meet anybody?

1:32:59 Caller But I tried everything else and thought, what the hell?

1:33:08 Adam 877-889-DATE.

1:33:10 Caller Loveline, 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:33:29 Drew Well, that's the show.

1:33:31 Adam Amazing.

1:33:31 Drew Amazing. All right, well, listen, what do we do? We gave away a DVD and a half of the Cabin Fever?

1:33:37 Adam At least.

1:33:38 Drew We can give away the other one and a half tomorrow night.

1:33:41 Adam Then you'll have three to draw from.

1:33:42 Drew Fantastic. All right. The Hedgehog, you know him as Ron Jeremy, king of all porn, tomorrow night. So until next time, it's Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying, Mahalo.

1:33:55 Caller This has been Loveline, the opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors or this station. The producer for Loveline is Annie Gold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

1:34:48 Caller Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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Wednesday, January 14, 2004