Episode 1000586047754

0:54 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content.

1:00 Voiceover Loveline with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

1:03 Adam Here, Drew, forget about the phone number. It's the Best Of, Drew?

1:06 Drew Yeah.

1:07 Adam Yeah, just want to make sure you were there.

1:09 Drew I'm here.

1:10 Adam Okay, well.

1:12 Drew See, it's hard for me because. Shush! I'm thinking about, I know you're thinking about calming and keeping the show moving. I'm waiting for those medical zingers to come through. I'm like a loaded gun just waiting.

1:22 Adam Yeah.

1:22 Drew So for me, and you know how comedic I am.

1:25 Adam Oh man, are you funny.

1:26 Drew Right. And so why do you, why do you even try?

1:29 All right, forget it, forget it.

1:31 Adam No, it's all right. No, yeah. Look, it's all good. Yeah. All right, so well, we're gonna give you a chance to shine here. Yeah. Via the magic of magnetic tape. Oh yes.

1:44 Drew It's magnetic tape.

1:45 Adam Is that what we use to do these best ofs?

1:47 Drew I hope it's, is it?

1:49 Adam Oh, who cares? Here's the point. Enjoy some God damn best of and let us relax. Phone number, 1-800-LOVE-191. Anderson, go dig up some blood, sweat and tears. Come on now.

2:09 Drew Yeah, we need a little upbeat.

2:10 Adam It's the same. We got no gas. Yeah.

2:12 Can we get some other than blood, sweat and tears? No.

2:15 Adam We wanna hear some blood, sweat and tears.

2:17 Drew I wanna hear that. What's your name again? Yeah.

2:23 Adam No, Lou Christie. Lou Christie. Drew didn't know what Lou Christie was.

2:27 There's actually no Lou Christie back there at all. Shocking.

2:32 Adam Jacqueline?

2:33 Yes.

2:34 Adam You're 19?

2:36 Caller Yes.

2:36 Adam What's up?

2:39 Caller I was like halfway diagnosed with general herpes, or not general herpes, general herpes. I know that sounds really dumb, but during the examination, they said that's the only thing that they could think it was, but when on my pap, I came out negative for it.

2:56 Drew That's interesting. So you have a possible herpes, her possible words.

3:00 Adam Well, what does that mean? When they diagnosed it, they thought that's what you have, but then they check it and you didn't have it?

3:07 Caller Well, it didn't show up on my pap, but when in the visual exam, that's the only thing that the doctor could name them.

3:17 Drew That's interesting.

3:18 Caller Yeah. I was just wondering how long if someone I was sleeping with caught them, how long would it take for them to show up?

3:28 Drew To actually see warts?

3:29 Caller Yeah.

3:30 Drew You may never see them.

3:31 Caller Really?

3:32 Drew Yeah. Guys don't have to have the warts, but they can carry the virus.

3:36 Adam You have a boyfriend right now?

3:39 Caller No.

3:40 Drew Girlfriend?

3:42 Caller No.

3:43 Adam So what should she do? I'd look at it as not having them.

3:47 Drew No. Look at it as having them and take the appropriate precautions and realize that he, if you indeed have them, has them. Even though you don't see the warts, he's got it.

3:56 Caller So is that common that they don't show up on the test?

4:00 Drew No. That's kind of weird. You need to be retested and maybe some more sophisticated testing done.

4:04 Adam I would just assume I didn't have them. I mean, that's me. I think the vagina is half full. Drew thinks it's half empty.

4:12 Drew I think it's half full of warts. So you think it's half empty of warts.

4:15 Adam Oh, look. Get it retested. Yeah. Yeah.

4:18 Drew Definitely.

4:19 Adam Why wouldn't the doctor retest it?

4:20 Drew I think he probably would sell it to come back in four months and redo it.

4:22 Adam He would. Why not just do it then? It wouldn't, not producing virus. Billy. He did the super chicken opening.

4:44 Drew I think that was actually a tape of it, wasn't it? Sounded like it.

4:48 Adam I don't know. Sounded pretty good.

4:49 Caller I had the Terminator 2. You want it? Yeah?

4:54 Terminator 2. Hasta la vista.

5:01 Adam Anderson, you got some competition in the nerd department, buddy.

5:06 That's a full moon.

5:07 Drew Billy's done.

5:07 Adam All right, Billy.

5:09 Drew That's so true, Anderson. It is a full moon.

5:11 Adam There's a lunar eclipse tonight, right?

5:13 Caller Yep.

5:14 Adam What goes on with that lunar eclipse?

5:16 Caller What?

5:16 Drew The Earth gets in the way of the sun shining on the moon.

5:20 Adam The Earth gets in the way of the sun shining on the moon.

5:23 Drew That's why we see the moon, because the sun lights it up.

5:26 Adam Yeah, from like behind us or something. And now, because it's daylight, wherever the sun thing is, and we're on the dark side of the Earth, we see the moon lit up. And so we have a crescent moon that's the Earth's shadow in the way of the moon. And now what happened tonight?

5:43 Drew We moved in front of the moon.

5:45 Adam So now the moon's dark? So what? Half the time you look up, you don't see anything, right? I mean, you look up in the sky at 2 in the morning, you don't see the moon, do you?

5:55 Drew No.

5:55 Adam When you see the moon, you see the moon from when it comes out to about 11 or 12 or something? Let's go find that moon. Do we have Blood Sweat and Tears? Yeah? Put Lucretia McEvil on. Come on. That's my song.

6:10 Drew Jeremy? Oh!

6:11 Adam Yeah.

6:12 Best Of I'm feeling better already.

6:15 Adam Aren't you?

6:15 Best Of Yeah.

6:16 Adam Yeah. Drew had the hernia surgery. He's feeling better. Yeah. Yeah. It's rock and roll, kids. This guy, this is back when bands sung about hard living, hard loving women who were trouble.

6:30 And bewitched.

6:31 Adam That's right. And they liked them to devils. Yeah. Shaking, home breaking.

6:37 Caller Yeah.

6:38 Adam That's a woman. It's got some horns blowing in there. Our listeners are like, those dudes ripped off real big fish with the horns. Yeah. Let me tell you, these ain't some pissed off kids from Bakersfield with a couple of tats on their neck. These are, these are, these are musicians everybody.

7:09 Caller Isn't this where the producers are supposed to do like the cut throw thing and say no more?

7:16 Adam Her mom was the talk of the sticks. Yeah, she had trouble, parents. You see what LaCrescia did? Both her parents were trouble. She never did anything worthwhile.

7:27 Caller She shakes her ass.

7:28 Adam She breaks up relationships. That's borderline. Yeah. Oh, the devil. The devil is controlling LaCrescia McEvil. You got to figure with a last name like McEvil. She's in with Lucifer though, you know?

7:45 Drew Isn't it weird that we're just beginning to come to the understanding of... The people that we think are poor possessed just had a little bit of a character flaw.

8:18 Adam Alright, turn it down. Turn it down.

8:21 Yeah, what a background.

8:24 Adam Yeah.

8:26 A little bit loud.

8:29 Adam Oh, no. Just put it like, yeah, there we go. That's good. Jeremy?

8:37 Drew Jeremy? Sleeping, huh? See what happens?

8:40 Adam You can't sleep when Lucretia McEvil is playing.

8:43 Drew Jeremy?

8:45 Adam Maybe you can. Been on hold for 80 minutes.

8:49 Best Of Oh, he's sleeping. Is he snoring?

8:51 Yeah.

8:51 Drew Listen, turn it down for a second. Turn him up. There he is. Is that snoring or is that?

9:04 It sounds like a space show.

9:12 Drew That's a strange snoring.

9:13 Adam That's snoring. That's a bizarre snoring.

9:20 Drew It's like the space shuttle trying to steer itself.

9:26 Adam What is that? Is he awake?

9:30 Drew Jeremy.

9:33 Adam No, it's in the cadence of a snore, right? Let's try to breathe along.

9:45 Drew It really is afterburners.

9:47 Adam It should come out faster. I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times.

9:54 Drew Good.

9:55 Adam No greater compliment could be paid to the host of a radio show than to have one out of three of the people listening to Sleep when it gets going.

10:02 Drew A lot of people listening, people calling in, the ones that are excited, the ones that are nervous.

10:05 Adam Yeah, yeah.

10:06 Drew It's a good time.

10:06 Adam All right, let's listen to a little trumpet solo here.

10:11 Drew Let's get Charlin on while you're listening.

10:13 Adam Blow daddy.

10:14 Drew Charlin.

10:16 Caller Charlin.

10:16 Drew Charlin.

10:17 Caller Yeah. I had a threesome twice with my boyfriend and now he's asking for more.

10:23 Adam Yeah.

10:24 Drew Well, you know.

10:25 Caller So is he like losing interest or is he just trying to take advantage of what?

10:30 Drew You've opened Pandora's Box. Guys are-

10:32 Adam He's gaining interest in threesomes.

10:34 Drew When guys find something they like, they aren't apt to-

10:37 Adam Go back to the well.

10:39 Drew Break away.

10:39 Adam Listen to that horn.

10:41 Caller Well, like I'm used to it and I like it and it's fun, but I just don't want to like every single day. Not like, I mean, once a month would be fine.

10:48 Adam Yeah.

10:49 Caller Every day.

10:49 Drew Have you told him that?

10:51 Caller Yeah, but he doesn't think he's actually seen that often.

10:53 Adam Well, who's the girl you're having it with?

10:56 Caller One of them was my waxer and the other one was a friend of his.

11:00 Adam Your waxer? You're having it with a 42 year old Vietnamese woman?

11:05 Caller No, she was like 24 and she seemed like she had a good background. She was clean and she was nice and she's basically seen my pussy before.

11:19 Adam Let me ask what goes on when you get that waxing.

11:23 Caller She just waxes inside the lips and the ass and everywhere.

11:28 Adam Are you completely naked?

11:29 Caller Yeah, well, bottom half, yeah.

11:33 Adam Okay, so you don't have to strip down your bra or anything humiliating like that. You just spread eagle on the stirrups there.

11:40 Drew And they rip that stuff out?

11:43 Adam I understand that women have to get waxed or want to get waxed down there.

11:47 Drew What would happen if they tried to wax your ass, Adam? Oh, my God. It would just tear off.

11:53 Adam There's not enough wax.

11:55 Drew No, no, but-

11:56 Adam They'd have to mine wax from different planets.

11:58 Drew But let's say they did. They just pull your ass off.

12:01 Adam My ass would come off. No, it's like once in a while. No, like when you buy tomato and you try to pull that ripe sticker off and the skin comes off on it.

12:09 Drew That'd be your ass.

12:10 Adam That'd be my ass. Now, let me say this real fast. How big a tragedy was it when we didn't have a goddamn sticker on every goddamn piece of produce we buy? I'm sitting there with my fingernail trying to-

12:24 Drew Yeah, take off the Fiji apple.

12:27 Adam Fidget the sticker off the tomato and then eventually the skin just breaks off and I have now a skin hole in the tomato and I think, really a sticker on every tomato? This is what we need? Every single one of them? You couldn't just put it on the package of six on the outside? I gotta take a razor blade to my banana?

12:48 Best Of Sounds painful.

12:49 Drew It does.

12:50 Best Of All right, where is she? Oh, he got rid of her.

12:53 Adam I didn't get rid of her.

12:55 Drew She dropped off, it looks like.

12:57 Best Of Oh, that bitch.

12:59 Drew Well, what was the question?

13:01 Adam She was having threesomes.

13:02 Drew Her boyfriend, she continued to let him engage in threesomes or cut him off now before he gets too into it.

13:06 Adam Yeah.

13:07 Drew Well, the relationship's not gonna survive anyway.

13:08 Adam No.

13:09 Drew So she should do whatever she enjoys because this is done for.

13:11 Adam Are you really, are you saying to me though, when you go to a waxer as a female, you're completely naked from the bottom down and your legs are akimbo. They're just, you just, knees spread out and they're just combing through your crack. I mean, that, like I thought-

13:30 Drew That's a great blood, sweat and tears song.

13:32 Adam Combing through your crack, babe. Well, you know, yeah. Now play Combing Through Your Crack, Anderson. Anderson, play Go Down Gambling. That's my next one, yeah.

13:42 Drew Tara, is that what happens?

13:45 Best Of Yeah, that's what happens.

13:46 Adam I see, here's what I thought. I thought you put on like a thong back bikini or something.

13:51 Drew Or a towel or something that they would expose certain parts.

13:54 Adam Yeah, well, no, I thought you put like a bikini on and you sort of cinch it in and they use that as sort of their template. Like there's their line. Like here's what you're gonna be wearing. Holy Christ, she's dumping wax down there.

14:09 Caller Tara said she doesn't know she goes full 70s.

14:11 Adam Full 70s. Let's hear Go Down Gambling. Yeah, yeah.

14:17 Drew Jeremy?

14:18 Best Of It works with the theme.

14:19 Drew We're gonna just see. There.

14:27 Caller It's that same crazy sound.

14:30 Adam I can't get past that because it sounds electronic.

14:34 Drew Yes, it does have electronic sound.

14:35 Adam But it starts off as an exhale and then cuts abruptly.

14:40 Best Of Yeah, it's weird.

14:42 Adam Maybe he's wearing a diving helmet or something.

14:45 Best Of Okay.

14:46 Drew He's done for.

14:47 Best Of Okay, let's talk to Jose.

14:49 Adam Jose, go down gambling, Anderson, come on. Jose? What's up, you're 18.

14:56 Caller Yes, I am.

14:57 Adam You into Blood Sweat and Tears at all?

14:59 Caller Not really, dude. I'm more into like a Metallica, Slayer, the other.

15:03 Drew One of our new themes ought to be to play stuff under Loveline. Music going under Loveline. See if it affects the tone of the show.

15:10 Adam You like Metallica and Slayer, you like Blood Sweat and Tears.

15:13 Drew And sometimes we'll put classical music on for me.

15:17 Best Of Yeah.

15:18 Caller That's cool.

15:18 Best Of All right.

15:20 Adam What's happening, Jose?

15:22 Caller Nothing, dude. I was getting late today earlier on. Yeah, you remember me last year, aren't you? You're the one that offered me $2,000 for my kid, aren't you?

15:29 Adam Oh, you have a kid?

15:30 Caller Yeah, didn't you offer me $2,000?

15:32 Adam No, it's now $2,800.

15:34 Caller Oh yeah, it was $2,800. That was around there, right?

15:37 Adam All right, please. More go-down gambling, Anderson. Go ahead, Jose, sorry.

15:43 Caller No problem. Yeah, well, earlier on I was having sex with my girlfriend and pretty much we were getting it on nice and straight. It was pretty good. I mean, then about like halfway through it we switched and I don't know, it started to hurt like an MF down there.

15:58 Drew The skin?

16:00 Caller I don't know, man. It happened last year. We were doing...

16:04 Drew The skin hurt?

16:05 Caller Somewhere below the penis. I don't know, like somewhere down there. It's just really sucked.

16:10 Drew Inside hurt or the skin hurt?

16:14 Caller No, the skin, the skin.

16:15 Adam How many times you got to ask you that, you retard?

16:17 Drew The skin.

16:18 Caller Yeah, I found it, come on.

16:19 Adam All right, but he asked you three times.

16:21 Drew The skin started burning.

16:23 Caller Yeah, pretty much, pretty bad. I'm burning with that man. Where was the... What's going on down there?

16:28 Drew Where is the burning?

16:32 Caller Yeah, right below the head.

16:33 Drew The skin started burning. So not inside the shaft, but the skin itself started burning.

16:37 Adam Hold on, we gotta rock out for a sec.

16:39 Drew Could you see it?

16:45 Adam Yeah, see this song is about gambling.

16:56 Best Of Yeah. All right.

17:00 Drew Jose, is there a rash there? Is there anything to see?

17:02 Caller I checked it out, dude. Not really. No.

17:05 Drew So maybe just too much friction or something.

17:08 Caller Whatever was happening last year, too, in a. I don't know, I think one of my friends was talking to me about it once and he told me the same thing happened to him. Like, you know, he was, he was going anywhere with one of his girlfriends and the same thing happened.

17:17 Adam What about a little lubrication?

17:20 Caller I don't know, man.

17:21 Drew Well, here's the deal. If a rash actually develops, make sure somebody looks at it because that's how herpes gets going. If it's just some sort of trauma to the area, then take it easy.

17:29 Adam Your wife, 16?

17:31 Caller Something like that. By the way, Drew.

17:32 Drew Something like that.

17:33 Caller My girlfriend's on the patch thing. How long before that thing? How long before I could actually have him protect the patch for that?

17:39 Drew That's a good question. They're once a week. Usually we have people go through a month cycle before you really are unprotected. So I imagine-

17:45 Caller She's been going with the cycle for about a month and a half. You think it's safe? Oh yeah, yeah, it's fine. She's safe.

17:50 Drew No, it's fine.

17:51 Best Of She's fine.

17:52 Adam Oh, we gotta rock out now a little bit more because it's really gonna kick in here. Yeah.

18:05 Drew Wishing you guys could see Adam rocking back and forth in the chair like the Rain Man.

18:09 Adam This never goes out of style, does it?

18:11 Caller Like the frickin Rain Man.

18:17 Adam We gotta get blood, sweat, and tears on this show, Drew.

18:20 Drew I told you they're coming to this Cerritos concert hall.

18:22 Adam We're going. Do I like who?

18:26 Drew Fishbone. Yeah.

18:29 Adam There's no Blood Sweat and Tears.

18:30 Drew Hey, how about when the calls start to go south, I'll just turn it up.

18:35 Adam Yeah, okay, that's a good idea. Susan?

18:38 Yes.

18:38 Adam You're 39?

18:39 Caller Yes, I am.

18:42 Adam Yes.

18:43 Caller Well, I was calling to ask Dr. Drew, I've got degenerative arthritis in my jaw. Both joints of my jaw. They've diagnosed it about three years ago. I basically don't have any cartilage left.

18:59 Adam Bad times.

19:01 Caller Yeah.

19:01 Adam What's that mean?

19:02 Caller Well, it's when you have to have knee replacements or anything like that. That's because there's no cartilage in between the cap and the bone of the knee.

19:11 Drew Well, it's a little more different than the jaw, but keep going. Is it?

19:14 Caller Yeah. Okay, well, sometimes it locks up. I'll wake up in the morning and I can't open my mouth.

19:21 Adam That's great.

19:23 Caller I wish my wife would get that. I'm on a lot of different medications.

19:26 Drew Can't open your mouth. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, can't open your mouth.

19:31 Caller Yes.

19:32 Drew Because our general arthritis, it locks open.

19:35 Caller Well, it'll lock open.

19:36 Drew Doesn't lock closed. Not unless you're having a muscular spasm or the temporalis muscle, which is a medication side effect.

19:44 Caller Okay, well, they do have me a muscle relaxant also because I'm really kind of a high-strung person. And so I used to have a lot of high-strung jobs where I was managers of restaurants and social, you know, things like that. And I was, you know, I'm so nervous.

20:03 Adam Yeah, crank up the blood, sweat and tears.

20:05 Caller It's all right.

20:06 Adam That's our parachute now. This blood, sweat and tears. Paul starts going south.

20:14 Caller There's your part, Adam. Cowbell.

20:16 Adam I play the cowbell. It's gonna be a new karaoke number for me. Oh boy.

20:29 Drew Well, Susan, what's the question exactly?

20:31 Caller Well, anyway, I'm just wondering if, is there anything I can do? I've heard that there's basically not too much I can do. I'm just gonna be in pain the rest of my life.

20:41 Drew Yes. TMJ syndrome, TMJ syndrome is rather chronic. Yes.

20:45 Caller Yeah. They told me I could do surgery.

20:47 Drew What's the question?

20:48 Caller Well, I just want to know if, if they told me if I did surgery, it would be like 60% that it probably wouldn't work for 10 or 15 years. Yeah! Basically, my question is, is there anything I can do to fix that so that I can have a normal life, and I don't have to be on medications or pain?

21:30 Drew That's not your question.

21:32 Caller Pardon me?

21:33 Drew You've consulted a million doctors about that.

21:36 Caller I have.

21:37 Drew Yeah, okay, I'm not going to tell you anything different than what other people would know.

21:41 Adam All right, Susan, are you a little nutty or what?

21:47 Caller I love it.

21:48 Adam No, are you nutty?

21:49 Caller Am I nutty or nutty?

21:51 Adam Nutty, nutty.

21:53 Caller Oh, I'm nutty and nutty.

21:54 Adam All right, baby doll. Drew, how come you knew she was nuts at the beginning?

22:00 Drew We'll tell people what I did to you.

22:02 Adam Well, Drew said she's nuts. He did the finger around the head thing. Drew, how did you know she was nuts?

22:07 Drew Both the somatic preoccupations, the kinds of preoccupations, and the way she made me feel.

22:56 Caller And sometimes they rely on very primitive mechanisms of stretching the emotional turmoil, their pain.

23:03 Drew It's something that was left over from early early childhood.

23:07 Adam Thank you. I'm going to tell my enters to start watching my hand. Alright, fantastic. Where are we Drew? Dawn?

23:19 Caller Yeah?

23:20 Adam We gotta take a break there baby. Oh, I love Spinning Wheel. Did you play Lucretia McEvil in your high school marching band?

23:29 Caller No, it was college and we also played Spinning Wheel too.

23:33 Adam What college did you go to?

23:38 Drew Lesbian.

23:41 Adam What? What did you play?

23:45 Caller It's like a little tuba.

23:47 Drew Like a hand held tuba.

23:55 Adam That thing is only in marching bands, right?

23:59 Caller No, it's in concert bands and like in English orchestras and stuff like that.

24:03 Adam What's it called?

24:04 Caller Euphonium.

24:05 Caller It's also a baritone.

24:06 Adam Alright. And so what would be your part in Lucretia McEvil?

24:11 Caller Boom, boom, boom.

24:13 Caller Yeah, yeah.

24:14 Caller Like we get stuck with the bass line.

24:15 Adam Yeah. It's very disappointing. I played the trumpet in the seventh grade and we finally got to play some upbeat Neil Diamond song instead of grand old flag. It's real exciting when you're in band class and you get to play a song that people know of. No, we're done with her.

24:32 Drew No, I didn't hear her question.

24:33 Adam That was her question.

24:34 Drew No, she had a question.

24:35 Adam She had a question? What was your question? Did you have a question?

24:44 Caller I can't seem to say no to guys.

24:47 Adam Alright, hold on a second. Alright, that's a good question. Take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

24:55 Hello, this is your radio.

25:16 Adam Hey, Loveline, everybody, I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew over there, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Anderson, can we play the end of that last public service announcement Drew and I were just listening to?

25:34 Best Of Can you move that forward?

25:37 Adam I haven't picked on the public service announcements we play on this show in a while, but Drew and I have to sit here and listen to these god-awful disasters every night about people getting shot. Every public service announcement is pretty much just this. It's like, it all starts off the same way. Kids on a playground, la, and then shotguns. That's what I hear. Like, Drew and I sit here and talk during the break, and you can faintly hear the public service announcements that are just played on a loop for the national feed, and it all sounds the same to me. When I go to bed, that's all I hear. Just kids on a playground and shotguns.

26:21 Caller I'm gonna stay out of trouble.

26:22 Drew No, no, no.

26:23 Adam Wait, I like that one too. Let's hear that one. Cause a lot of people, a lot of unfortunate people just get to hear bad local commercials. You know, they don't get to hear these PSAs that we get to hear. Here's the one I like. Malik Yoba.

26:39 Caller I'm a cop on TV. I wrote this song because I need to see things change.

26:43 Adam He wrote this song cause this is the only time anyone would play it on the radio.

26:46 Best Of I mean, let's be honest.

26:49 Adam He got shot at 15th. He survived.

26:51 Caller There are 10 kids that don't.

26:52 Adam Now wait a minute. You can do something. You survived? I don't know, Drew. You're ruining it for me. I didn't know if he made it or not. Malik survived. I like the very end of this. That was my favorite part.

27:06 Caller There are 10 kids that don't.

27:07 Caller And we can do something if we just try.

27:10 Be brave enough to walk away from violence and those that push it.

27:14 Best Of Make a pledge to yourself to turn away from guns as a solution to solve conflict.

27:17 Adam The controversial part's coming up, Drew.

27:19 Best Of You can find smart, peaceful ways to settle arguments. I survived getting shot, but not everyone does.

27:25 Adam Not everyone does.

27:26 Drew Really?

27:26 Adam No, evidently not.

27:28 Drew He survived?

27:28 Adam He did. Oh wait a minute, hold on a second. Now stop that Anderson. Now you got me confused. Everyone survives being shot, but he didn't?

27:38 Drew No, he did.

27:39 Adam He survived being shot.

27:41 Drew How could he be talking to us and have survived being shot? What?

27:44 Adam Yeah, he survived being shot, but then that's when he got, that's when he lost me. Not everybody does.

27:52 Drew Shocking.

27:54 Adam But name me one person that's died by being shot. I guess.

27:58 Drew Kennedy, I guess.

27:59 Adam Kennedy.

27:59 Drew Yeah, it was always him. That's all I can name.

28:02 Adam That's all I can think of.

28:03 Drew But you did say not everyone does.

28:05 Yeah.

28:08 Adam Oh, here's my favorite one. Come on, play a little of that.

28:12 Caller Play a little of that one. I don't even know where it is.

28:14 Adam Come on, I want to hear the shots at the beginning. Oh, you can't find that one, Anderson?

28:18 Caller I think I had the shots.

28:20 Adam No, the shots have always been there.

28:24 Best Of Where have all the children?

28:26 Adam Chk, chk. Yeah, that's how I hear that. As soon as I close my eyes, I just hear Malik Yobim talking about that, not everyone's surviving and shotguns going off of school yards. Play the good one. Play the good one where the two 40-year-olds who were sophomores in high school are talking about going to a party after the basketball game. This is still my all-time favorite.

28:48 Caller You gotta make up your mind because you're lucky.

28:49 Caller You want me one and then I find it and now I've found it.

28:51 Adam All right, well play me the Where Have All the Children Gone with the shooting. Everyone knows our 15 year old listeners are into Peter, Paul, Mary too. No shooting yet?

29:13 Drew You add that?

29:15 Adam No, the shooting's gotta start up.

29:18 Drew Hey, Anderson added that.

29:21 Caller There's another one with gunshots.

29:23 Adam Oh, there's another one with gunshots. Alright, that isn't the one. I wish someone would shoot Peter, Paul and Mary.

29:35 Drew Wait, wait. Maybe it's the end here. No, no.

29:40 Adam Drew, we got to start calling one of those numbers to figure out what happened to Malik Yovov. Why he survived. We should call one of those. Call one of those, Anderson.

29:51 Best Of Let's find out what they can tell us to do.

29:54 Adam I miss McGruff the crime dog telling us about the laptop computer theft. All right, Anderson, all I need to hear is the 40-year-olds who are going to go to the mixer after the basketball game. This is my favorite one. This is the, they couldn't get actors who were 16 evidently, had to get a bunch of voiceover guys in their late 30s.

30:13 Drew It's just the guys, yeah, the guys that wrote the commercial.

30:14 Adam Oh, is that what it is? Yeah, we got to start funding these things a little bit better.

30:21 Caller Yeah.

30:21 Adam Here it is.

30:23 Caller Hey, what are you doing after the game?

30:25 Caller Oh, there's a big party at Jason's.

30:26 Caller His parents are out of town and there's going to be plenty to drink. You're going to pass up a party?

30:32 Adam Yeah.

30:34 Caller Make the right choice. Underage drinking always means trouble.

30:38 Adam Sounds more like trouble than a party.

30:39 Caller It's dangerous and illegal.

30:41 Caller You're going to miss all the fun.

30:42 Caller I'm going to stay out of trouble.

30:45 Caller A public service message from the National Association of Broadcasters is motivating young people.

30:49 Drew You see?

30:50 Caller That's how that works.

30:52 Adam What did they do? They built a time machine to go back to the 50s so they could write that one? They hammered that thing out on old Smith Corona?

31:00 Drew I think Mr. Tate wrote that one.

31:03 Adam The most ridiculous commercial. You're trying to talk to an inner city youth in 2003 and you got a couple of dorks going, sounds more like trouble. And by the way, he says there's going to be a party there and plenty to drink. That's trouble. What a puss. And by the way, Oh, here it is.

31:32 10 kids die by gunfire every day, help stop the violence.

31:35 Adam Never is 10 kids dying being more funny, Drew.

31:37 Caller One more lost life, not one more.

31:45 Adam That's one of the dead ones singing.

31:47 Caller A public service message from the station, the US. Department of Justice, the Crime Prevention Coalition, and the United Council.

31:51 Adam All right, all right. No parties and let's all stop shooting the babies. That's what we've learned. And if you want more information on how not to shoot kids, you can call that 800 number.

32:04 Drew That's right. They'll help you.

32:06 Adam Yeah, so like, just a retarded parent's calls like, hey, I got a five year old and a nine year old. I'm thinking about shooting the nine year old. Is that cool or no? Oh, okay. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Hi, I'm Adam Carolla. You know, I kid a lot on the radio and on television, but cornholings, no laughing matter.

32:29 Best Of Thank you. Daisy? You're 22?

32:33 Caller What's up?

32:34 Best Of I'm having a lot of problems here lately. For about two years, I've been dealing with the medical problems as far as pseudo-seizures go. Uh-oh.

32:45 Drew You were abused in some way?

32:46 Best Of Yes. It's just now coming out. I didn't have any memories of it before. I was adopted whenever I was three days old. My parents have always been together, but my mom, I guess, doesn't know anything about this.

33:03 Drew About what?

33:04 Best Of About my dad abusing me whenever I was younger.

33:07 Drew When did that end?

33:10 Best Of I remember it all the way up until I left.

33:13 Drew When did you leave?

33:14 Best Of Whenever I was eighteen.

33:15 Drew Whenever you were eighteen?

33:17 Best Of Yes. So, it was just me, my mom and dad. I don't have any memories.

33:23 Adam Your father sexually abused you from the time you could remember up until the time you were eighteen.

33:30 Best Of Yes.

33:30 Drew And now you're twenty-two.

33:31 Best Of Right. And I guess I've blocked that out, as far as the doctors have told me, the psychiatrists and everything.

33:38 Drew Well, the one thing about pseudo-seizures is when you've had bad trauma, I sort of think of pseudo-seizures as a way people who dissociate experience panic attacks, or intense anxiety. They have these sort of fits. And it's just what your brain does when it doesn't have any other way of processing it. And so you need to, you know, you need a lot of work.

34:01 Adam Yeah. Do you talk to your dad?

34:03 Best Of No. And I'm scared of him because I went to a funeral about a month ago. My grandma died, and I had to go down there to see him. And it's the first time I've seen him in almost two years since I've been going through this.

34:16 Drew Why did you leave home? Dad was laughing.

34:21 Best Of Yeah.

34:22 Drew What made you leave home? How did you get out of this?

34:25 Best Of I started going to college, and he became real abusive as far as physically. And I met my husband now, and then I moved up to Northeastern Oklahoma, way away from him.

34:37 Adam We're worried about your new husband.

34:40 Best Of He's great.

34:41 Adam Really?

34:41 Best Of He's really put up with me.

34:43 Drew We're worried that he could be a perpetrator for your kids, though.

34:48 Adam You guys don't have any kids, do you?

34:50 Best Of No.

34:50 Adam Good.

34:51 Best Of We have no kids.

34:52 Adam No kids.

34:54 Best Of And we don't want to have kids until later.

34:55 Adam Yeah, wait a while.

34:57 Drew When your pseudo-seizure stops, think how that would freak your kids out.

35:00 Adam Right.

35:01 Best Of When I quit falling down and hitting my head on crap all the time.

35:05 Adam Well, listen, you owe nothing to your dad. You should hate him. He's a criminal.

35:09 Drew Except you should say...

35:10 Best Of I know, and I do, and I feel guilty still because my mom's still in that house and my mom, you know...

35:16 Adam Does she know what happened?

35:18 Best Of I just recently told her and...

35:20 Adam What'd she say?

35:21 Best Of Well, she kind of denied it and thought that shame, my husband, put it in his head.

35:28 Drew Doesn't your mom piss you off? Yeah.

35:30 Adam Alright. And they adopted you, right?

35:33 Best Of Yes.

35:33 Adam Good. Screw both of them.

35:35 Best Of Well, I wanted to know, is there any way that I can, like, do something to my dad as far as... Like, he's real big in the business and banking and a little town here in Oklahoma. And he's been named the town, the guy of the town or whatever.

35:51 Adam See, I never trust those guys. And they always molest.

35:56 Caller No, I want to bring him down.

35:58 Best Of I want to make it to where none of my cousins, because we have a real tight-knit family.

36:02 Drew Well, here's the deal. Don't worry so much about acting out your anger, because that is going to tend to be a sort of unsatisfactory experience for you. I think what you need to focus on is making sure he doesn't victimize anybody else. And so, yeah, you make a report.

36:18 Adam Sure.

36:18 Drew I don't know if you can prove anything. I don't know if you have a case. Nothing's really been documented, but, of course, you make sure that something is recorded about this guy.

36:26 Adam When you adopt a kid and then pretty much just have sex with the kid from zero to the time the kid goes off to college, are you just adopting this kid so you can have sex with it?

36:38 Drew I don't know.

36:50 Adam I don't quite understand what goes people's heads.

36:53 Drew I'm not sure it really is sexual in the way that adults experience sex. It's sort of confused affection and physical closeness and stuff.

37:01 Best Of All right.

37:01 Adam So is a good guy. We'll be back. Well, normally, my policy is not to talk when Drew's not in the studio when the show starts, but he had the hernia surgery, so I feel bad.

37:36 Drew Well, now that I've got an emergency at home, I'm probably gonna have to leave in a minute here.

37:38 Best Of What do you got going?

37:39 Drew Just something's horrible going on with Douglas right now.

37:42 Adam He's sick?

37:43 Drew Yep.

37:44 Adam What kind of sick?

37:45 Drew Just like some sort of horrible rash has taken over, and he's screaming, and it sounds awful.

37:49 Adam He's got a temperature?

37:51 Drew I don't know.

37:51 Adam No, one of Drew's kids is sick. Well, what do you do? What do you tell your wife to do?

37:57 Drew I'm, let me go get home before I go to the hospital.

37:59 Adam Really? What do you do in the meantime?

38:02 Drew Well, we thought it was poison oak, but now it's starting to sound like something more serious.

38:05 Adam Well, what could it be?

38:07 Drew Toxic hypodermal necrolysis.

38:09 Adam Well, you can figure that out when you get there, right?

38:11 Drew Yeah, yeah, but I better get going.

38:13 Adam Well, you're good.

38:14 Drew Take a couple calls and we'll go.

38:17 Adam All right, Drew, you can get out of here. I can ride the rest out. Look, I got, what song do I got queued up there?

38:24 Caller It's not really a good song to play now, though.

38:27 Adam It's not enough to stay here. No, but just play the song. It's negative.

38:30 Caller You want to hear it in When I Die?

38:32 Adam Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, it's Blood Sweat and Tears. Drew, you can listen to it on the ride home. Yeah, go ahead. Drew's got to take care of his 10 year old son.

38:41 Caller Sounds like Sesame Street.

38:42 Adam Wait, but let me tell you something. There better be something going on with that kid. I know your wife, she's a little nutty. You know what I'm saying?

38:48 Drew How are you going to feel if there is?

38:51 Adam I have a certain feeling of satisfaction, but I will have mixed feelings about it. All right, buddy, take care. That's kind of ironic song, yeah. It's got the word die, like three words into the thing. Laura? It's cold way down there, crazy cold way down there. What's up, baby dolly, you're 21.

39:24 Caller Yes, I am. I am right in the thick of finals week here at college. I'm getting a little bit of a panic attack. I don't know. It happens every once in a while, but I get so stressed out. I can't even concentrate when I'm studying and I'm just so nervous. And I know Dr. Drew's talked a lot about when he was...

39:41 Adam Tell me some of the symptoms of your panic attack.

40:01 Caller Mm-hmm. I don't know, it just makes things difficult.

40:04 Adam What's the worst that could happen if you didn't do well on your finals?

40:08 Caller I don't know, I'd get below a 3.5.

40:33 Adam You gotta take a, tell me one more. Tell me all your class schedules. What classes do you have?

40:38 Caller This year I have accounting processes and controls.

40:43 Adam Explain them all, please.

40:54 Caller Yee-haw!

40:55 Adam Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Uh-huh. And, uh, what else?

41:03 Caller Then let's see, I have equity markets and securities. And that's about it.

41:07 Adam No, that's about it.

41:08 Caller Yeah.

41:09 Adam Alright, well you sound like you got a full load there.

41:11 Caller Yeah, just a bit. You know, working 40 hours a week makes it a little more difficult.

41:17 Adam Alright, alright, Drew gets his panic attacks too. I think he's having one now. You need to take a chill pill. I'm no doctor, but I know when someone needs to take a chill pill. You know what I'm saying?

41:30 Best Of Yeah, yeah.

41:32 Adam Those horns are heating up in a second, Harrison. Let's go, buddy.

41:35 Drew Chill pill.

41:36 Adam Bring it up now.

42:03 Yeah.

42:04 Adam Drew, if you're listening to this on the way home, please, take no message from it at all. What's up there, buddy boy?

42:11 Caller Hey man, I just want to say you guys...

42:13 Caller Sorry, Drew's not there to hear this.

42:16 There's another band you guys need to check out. Mm-hmm. It's Chase. Uh-huh. The trumpet player is Bill Chase. I think it's the same singer from Blood Sweat and Tears.

42:25 Adam Mm-hmm. Do they sing that Get It On in the Morning song?

42:28 Caller Get It On in the Morning.

42:31 Adam I know them.

42:32 Caller All right.

42:33 Caller You got to get Anderson to put that on.

42:34 Caller Yeah.

42:35 Adam Anderson is...

42:36 Caller This is the gayest music I've ever heard.

42:38 Adam Barely playing this.

42:39 Caller Gayest.

42:39 Best Of Yeah.

42:40 Adam Anderson likes the white stripes and stuff like that because he's cool. He's cool.

42:45 Well, that's cool, too.

42:46 Best Of All right.

42:46 Adam All right, buddy boy. We'll see what we can do with that chase. Let me get it going for Sunday.

42:52 Good deal.

42:53 Adam All right. All right. Let's see.

42:55 Caller What's next? I'm out of songs.

42:57 Adam Let's talk to...

42:58 Caller Yeah.

42:58 Adam I don't know what song. Skim through them. Let me see. I could hear Lucretia McEvil one more time before I went home. I got to be brutally honest with you, Anderson. Emily? You're 27?

43:10 Drew Chill pill.

43:13 Adam You've been intimate, and what's your problem?

43:17 Caller I never have been intimate with anyone.

43:18 Adam You never have?

43:19 Caller No.

43:20 Adam Yeah. Well, you got to take a chill pill, baby. You know what I'm saying?

43:24 Drew Chill pill.

43:26 Adam Yeah, what's the matter? You're scared? Your dad left you? You're abandoned.

43:31 Caller No.

43:32 Adam Mm-hmm. What happened?

43:35 Caller Nothing has ever really happened. I mean, I have a lot of guy friends, but...

43:38 Adam Oh, you've never actually had sex with somebody?

43:40 Caller I've never even dated anyone.

43:41 Adam You're a big gal?

43:43 Caller No.

43:43 Adam Nothing's wrong with you physically?

43:45 Caller No.

43:47 Adam Guys ask you out?

43:48 Caller Yeah.

43:49 Adam And what do you say?

43:51 Caller Usually I get to know them and they become friends.

43:53 Adam Give us the top five reasons why you don't think you've ever been on a date with a guy. And go.

44:01 Caller I don't really know. I know that if it gets to the point where they want to be more intimate, I kind of freak out.

44:24 Adam Alright, so Ian, you get along well with your dad. There's no sexual abuse, physical abuse? No. All right.

44:26 Caller So you really have no excuse, right?

44:27 Adam No.

44:27 Drew What do you do?

44:27 Caller Do you get along well with your girlfriends?

44:27 Adam You're social. Everyone likes you?

44:30 Drew Yeah.

44:31 Adam Next time a guy asks you out, why don't you go with him?

44:35 Best Of Yeah?

44:36 Caller I don't think I can.

44:37 Best Of Why not?

44:39 Caller Because it's like if they touch me and I just don't like it.

44:43 Adam Are you sure someone didn't feel you up, like maybe even before you could remember it?

44:48 Caller I don't think so.

44:50 Adam Well, have you tried any therapy?

44:53 Caller Well, yeah.

44:54 Adam All right. Try some more therapy.

44:56 Caller All right.

45:05 Adam Yeah, now this is for Drew on the ride home.

45:19 Caller Okay, so I know there's nothing wrong with you.

45:25 Caller But I tried everything else and thought, what the hell?

45:34 877-889-DATE.

45:54 Adam But not Loveline, Loveline. The best of Loveline.

45:58 Drew And you know, I don't think any more need be said than what you said at the opening of the show.

46:02 Adam Which was what?

46:03 Drew Enjoy the goddamn show and let us rest.

46:05 Adam That's right. Hey, yo, it's Loveline, I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew, everybody. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Let's talk to John. John?

46:27 Hey, guys.

46:28 Adam Hey, Johnny. Doing well, buddy.

46:32 That's good.

46:33 Adam So, you got a question about flavored condoms? Yes, I do.

46:36 Let me start off by saying, Adam, you are gone. You're the funniest guy I've ever heard in my life.

46:40 Adam Gotta say that. Really? And you've heard a few funny guys in your day, right?

46:43 I've heard many a funny guys.

46:45 Drew Canada is a very funny place, you know.

46:47 Absolutely. But no, I've checked out your stuff with Kimmel and also on Crank Anter. He's a very funny guy.

46:54 Adam Thank you, John. Thank you.

46:56 Anyways, a question about flavored condoms. Throughout my years of going to nightclubs and raves, I've collected quite the amount of flavored condoms, never used them. Curious as to whether or not they're safe or not.

47:10 Drew My understanding is that you want to stay with the directs or Trojan. And that the colors and the flavors and all that stuff that are off sort of brand can be questionable.

47:21 All right.

47:22 Drew Particularly the colors.

47:23 Really?

47:24 Drew And we've been learning on this show recently that there may be something with the polyurethane too.

47:28 Adam But Drew, what about, I mean, if you're gonna put condoms out, even if they're sort of novelty condoms, isn't it almost in a way like manufacturing seat belts or something? Like, isn't there certain standards that you have to meet? I can't imagine, I mean, with all the restrictions and limitations and stuff like that, and maybe some of it is just with the labeling, but it seems like there's a quick lawsuit here if you're just putting out sort of gag condoms in a sense.

47:55 Drew Right, no, this is probably some sort of minimum. I don't know. I know the Consumer Reports does reports every so often on it.

48:00 Adam Yeah.

48:01 Drew I also know that-

48:01 Adam It involved the testing.

48:02 Drew Trojan's been working hard on trying to come out with a flavored condom, like a mint one or something that-

48:07 Adam I heard they're coming out with a fluoridated condom. It's fluoridated with a hand mint.

48:12 Drew And after they get the mint, I know you'll be impressed with this, Adam, they're going for pina colada.

48:15 Adam Yeah.

48:16 Drew Because they want you to be able to experience the entire dental refreshing experience.

48:19 Adam Now that's it. Now Drew got me going. I was already mad at the dentist today because my teeth were hurting, but Drew knows I go insane because every time I go to the dentist and I get that pumice, where they fire up that tool and they do that pumice thing on my teeth, a little high-speed thing going, they bust out. For me, it's novelty. They bust out the pina colada. And I always tell them, go get the spearmint or the cinnamon. And they're like, well, we got pina colada. And I'm like, I don't like pina colada in a crushed rock form. I like pina colada, the cocktail. I don't like pina colada, the gritty paste. You understand that's where the difference is.

49:04 Drew And you don't really like it in the dentist office.

49:08 Adam I close my eyes and I'm on some exotic beach somewhere far away. No, I'm on some crappy seat and van eyes getting beat up on by someone who's getting too much an hour. I told, here's what I tell them. I tell them, listen, they go, people like pina colada. I said, listen, I like pina colada. I like brisket too. Do you have a brisket pumice you could put in my mouth? How about liver and onion? Frankfurter. Frankfurter. Well, it goes on and on. Maybe you have a goulash. I like Hungarian food, but a little goulash or chicken paprikash. You retard. Here's what you need. You need the toothpaste flavor. That's what you're used to. You know what you scrub your teeth with, Drew? Not a pina colada. Toothpaste. All dentists listen to me. Anything you put in someone's mouth gotta taste like nothing or toothpaste. That is if you're scrubbing the teeth with it. Very distracting to have it taste like an alcoholic beverage.

50:07 Drew So, do condoms go for pina colada? We need to stay with mint with that too. They're going for mint.

50:12 Caller Trojans go for mint.

50:13 Adam I can get down with mint. Mint is fine. Mint is fine. But yeah, don't go, or you could ironically go with like a kielbasa. I'm scared people would bite. People would bite. They would treat the sausage just like it would, they treat it like a sausage casing.

50:31 Caller Oh my God.

50:32 Adam Don't you think people would bite?

50:33 Drew That is a novelty flavor.

50:35 Caller Yes, of course.

50:36 Adam And then imagine, imagine they had kielbasa flavored.

50:39 Drew And buns.

50:40 Adam Kielbasa, no. We have a little back door action. Dump a little mustard on there. Now, here would be a horrible scenario. You put on the kielbasa flavored condom. You're heading into the bedroom, but the dog hits you off.

51:01 Best Of Yeah.

51:01 Drew That's bad times.

51:02 Best Of Yeah.

51:04 Adam Mustard flavored spermicide, full screener Brian suggests. All right, so anyway, I'm done with my.

51:11 Drew We've now come up with something, though. There's a crank anchors in this, by the way.

51:14 Adam What?

51:14 Drew Kielbasa condoms.

51:15 Adam No. Wendy?

51:18 Caller Hey Adam, how are you?

51:19 Adam You're 23?

51:20 Caller Yeah.

51:20 Adam What's up?

51:24 Caller I have been with my boyfriend for three and a half years and I, he doesn't really want to have sex as much as he used to, as much as I want to. And it's making me want to stray. And I did a couple of times already, but.

51:38 Drew How often does he want this?

51:40 Caller Huh?

51:40 Drew How often does he want to do it? Trick question.

51:45 Caller Like twice a week.

51:47 Drew And what do you, and what is it you want to do?

51:50 Caller Like every day.

51:50 Drew Twice a week's normal.

51:52 Adam And you say stray. Yeah, I know, but you mean.

51:57 Caller Well, we probably do do it like twice a week.

52:00 Adam Did you have intercourse with another guy?

52:01 Caller I did, yeah, once, twice with one guy. And he keeps calling, he called a few times, and I'm nice to him, but I don't really think I want to cheat again. I just want to know how.

52:15 Adam How was the sex with the new guy?

52:20 Caller Well, it wasn't as good as it is with my boyfriend. We had really great sex, and even though the guy has a bigger dick.

52:28 Adam The guy cheated with?

52:30 Caller Yeah.

52:30 Adam It's nice, your boyfriend's listening right now, he's driving off a suspension bridge.

52:34 Caller No.

52:35 Adam Yeah.

52:36 Caller No, he's not listening.

52:37 Adam Okay.

52:38 Caller But I just want to know.

52:40 Adam How do you know he's not? Do you know where he is?

52:42 Caller He's in the living room, I'm in my room.

52:47 Adam That's a decent size huevos, you know? I mean, sometimes people just hear right through the heating fan.

52:54 Drew It suggests she kind of wants to be.

52:56 Caller Well, he was on the phone when I called and he's on the cell phone all the time because the thing is that the reason he doesn't really want to have sex, I think, is because he's stressed out a lot because of his job. He was trying to start this company.

53:11 Adam All right. Well, let's just backtrack here for a second. You've been with the guy three and a half years.

53:16 Caller Mm-hmm.

53:17 Adam You're having sex, had sex with another guy a couple of times. If the sex had been better with the guy you're cheating with, you probably would have had sex with him again, or at least probably continue. It just sounds to me like maybe this relationship has run its course.

53:31 Drew Here's my concern, though. This is an angry, anger F. This is an F-U.

53:36 Adam Vengeance F?

53:38 Drew Yes. This is someone, rather than her saying, honey, listen, I understand you're starting your business, this isn't working for me right now, but you're going to have to get to the point where you're paying more attention to me. I'll bear down and try to handle this in the meantime. It's how dare you abandon me, I'm not getting what I need, screw you, I'm going to go be with someone else. Very hostile behavior.

53:59 Caller No, I mean, I didn't think that I was going to do this. I like to go out dancing with my friends, and one night we did go out and I saw someone that I knew and I ended up giving him my number, we were just talking and one night we got totally different than what I said.

54:15 Drew Totally different. It's exactly what I'm saying.

54:19 Adam You were in a fight with your boyfriend?

54:20 Drew I didn't say you were in a fight with him, I didn't say you were even in a fight with him, I said you're not being supportive of him, you're not empathic of what he's dealing with.

54:26 Caller No, I have been, it's been going on for like a year and a half, two years.

54:30 Adam Are you a hot chick?

54:33 Caller Yeah, I am, I'm really hot and the guy is like, you know.

54:35 Adam Yeah, all right, hold on a second, Drew, as usual, you're wide of the mark here.

54:41 Drew No, no, it's the same thing.

54:42 Adam As a little each, but here's my vibe. This is a hot chick, hot chicks, if they're a little bit stupid or a little bit insecure, which most of them are, need to have the hot affirmation all the time. And the good news is for them, they can get it all the time. So a hot chick who's a young chick, and they basically slow down with this stuff in their later 20s and early 30s or maybe after they crank out a few kids. But the hot chick who's 23, who's with a guy who's a little bit wrapped up in starting a business, and they've been together for three years, so it's like he's not bringing her flowers and trying to pound her on the kitchen table every night. He comes home, he's wrapped up, he's stressed out. She's so insecure, she needs to know she's hot all the time. And this guy's only letting her know she's hot twice a week. And by the way, though, it's like you got to have a guy wanting to F you in order to feel like you're validated, like you're alive.

55:38 Drew That's a personality disorder.

55:40 Adam All right, I'm with you. Wendy.

55:41 Caller Okay, well, first of all, I'm not insecure and I'm not stupid or anything. I'm above average intelligence.

55:48 Adam Everybody says that. Everyone's a genius.

55:51 Caller Well, I just graduated and I had really great, you know, evaluations from my teachers and everything. But anyways.

55:57 Caller Graduated from?

55:59 Adam No, she went to go to UCSB?

56:02 Caller No, I went to a different school up here.

56:04 Adam Oh, junior college?

56:06 Caller Santa Barbara City College.

56:07 Adam Yeah.

56:08 Caller No, I graduated. I have my BA. But I don't want to mention the school because it's smaller.

56:12 Adam All right. But listen, by the way, some of the dumbest chicks I know went to college.

56:18 Caller He after his way right through them, OK, whatever, I'm smart. But I it's not that my boyfriend, like, doesn't like tell me that he wants to have sex, that he doesn't. And he gets me all worked up. And then and then we don't have sex, you know, like he'll he'll like grab my boobs. And I don't know. It's just it's very frustrating.

56:38 Adam I stand corrected on the smart part.

56:41 Caller I want to know, like, what can I do to get him?

56:45 Adam Look, look, look, listen, listen, listen to me. He's you guys have been together for a while. I mean, over three years.

56:52 Caller Yeah, but I'm a very sexual person. I'm much more than you.

56:55 Caller You just want to explore her past.

56:57 Adam You're you're an insecure person.

56:59 Caller I'm not insecure. I just love to have sex and I'm not getting it enough.

57:04 Adam And you're screaming this in the room that he's in. He's in the next room.

57:08 Caller Well, this happened tonight. I mean, he went out to dinner and and I told him we need to go get some condoms. And he's like, no, I don't feel good. But he's been sick for like two weeks with a cold and it's not he.

57:18 Caller I don't even listen.

57:19 Adam Quiet down. Why do you guys need condoms when you haven't been together for three and a half years?

57:25 Caller Because I don't want to get pregnant. I was on the pill and it made me gain weight and I didn't.

57:29 Caller I couldn't lose it until I got on the pill.

57:31 Adam OK, listen, Wendy, I gained 30 pounds.

57:34 Caller 30 pounds. And then when I got off the pill and I started exercising, I finally lost it.

57:38 Drew 30 pounds.

57:39 Adam OK, listen. Well, she wasn't exercising. Listen, Wendy. Break up. You've been together for too long. You're angry. You're cheating. He's not making you feel like a queen. Break up. That's it. He's, he's here. Let me explain something. How old is he?

57:57 Caller He's 27.

57:59 Adam 27. When a guy's 27, it becomes extremely important to him that he get his career, his business, his finances off the ground. The, the days of pumping away willy-nilly are behind him. I mean, you're still horny, but you're starting, you're hearing the clock tick. You're getting near 30 and you got nothing going on. You don't want to be renting your whole life. Guys get focused on this.

58:24 Drew Yeah.

58:25 Adam You're 23 and you're focused on guys desiring you. When he's got, I agree, maybe not a horrible person, but has some personality difficulties.

58:34 Drew Yes.

58:35 Adam Once he just abuse a guy and think about it, the guy's in the next room and she's screaming like I don't care if he hears me.

58:40 Drew This is my point. She's angry. She's acting out in ways that are extremely hurtful to him and has no sense of empathy or even concern for how this affects him.

58:49 Adam She's a hot looking sociopath. Break up with him and do him a favor, please. Megan? You're 18? What's up?

59:01 Best Of And I called about a year and a half ago and you guys told me to get the hell out of my house and I did a week ago to the hour.

59:10 Drew Wow.

59:11 Best Of And it was a bad move. I left in the middle of the night and I packed up all the necessaries and my parents still have not heard from me, have no idea where I'm at or anything.

59:25 Drew It was a bad move.

59:26 Caller Well, it was a good move.

59:27 Adam Bad move.

59:28 Best Of Bad circumstance.

59:30 Adam So, you never understand it.

59:31 Drew No, I didn't understand that.

59:33 Best Of But, they, I'm not really sure how to go about.

59:37 Adam You don't know inflection. That's your problem. You're like Jaime the Robot. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

59:43 Best Of I'm sorry.

59:44 Adam That's your fault.

59:46 Best Of But, yeah, I'm kind of confused as to when I should contact them and what I should do because they're pretty psychotic.

59:54 Adam Where are you living now?

59:56 Best Of I'm staying with a married couple, friends of mine, and she had gone through the same thing.

1:00:03 Drew What is it you've been going through?

1:00:06 Best Of Well, they're overly controlling and they're just weirdos. I mean, like, I've never been allowed to have a job and I was homeschooled and the homeschooling didn't go bad because I made sure I socialized and everything, but I had to lie a lot in order to actually do normal things.

1:00:25 Adam How did you make sure you socialized a lot when they were so controlling?

1:00:29 Best Of Well, like, when I got a hold of my license and started driving and stuff, I would visit with friends.

1:00:37 Adam So they were controlling. Are they religious?

1:00:40 Drew No.

1:00:41 Best Of They're just huge control freaks. They were like that with my brother.

1:00:45 Drew When you say you did normal things, what does that mean?

1:00:48 Best Of Pardon?

1:00:49 Drew What does that mean when you said you did normal things?

1:00:52 Best Of Well, I was involved in 4-H and I played piano and I did ballet.

1:00:55 Drew No, you said I was able to do normal things when I socialized.

1:00:59 Best Of Oh, yeah. I just hang out with friends.

1:01:00 Adam What are you getting at?

1:01:01 Drew I'm wondering whether normal things include doing drugs and having sex and that may what the freak the parents are.

1:01:06 Best Of Oh, no. That's not. I mean, like, well, I will not deny that I have involved myself in those activities, but that's not really what I usually do with my time.

1:01:13 Drew You will not deny that I have involved myself in those activities?

1:01:15 Best Of Sorry. I love being an Englishman.

1:01:18 Adam All right. Well, wait a minute, Ms. Conehead. Did your parents find out?

1:01:23 Best Of Well, they did find out a little bit about it, but the thing is, my dad's a pothead, and so when they found a little bit of pot in my room, they totally flipped.

1:01:31 Adam Your dad was pissed for Bogarton, right? You were holding.

1:01:35 Drew Bogarton gets pot.

1:01:37 Best Of No.

1:01:38 Adam I don't know. My Bogarton doesn't mean anything anymore. All right. So listen, Megan.

1:01:42 Best Of Yeah.

1:01:43 Adam I believe you that you're sane, and I believe you that your parents are head cases.

1:01:48 Best Of Oh, yeah.

1:01:50 Adam And I'll take your word for it.

1:01:53 Caller I'm really seriously. Okay.

1:01:54 Adam Here's the deal. You're 18 years old.

1:01:57 Best Of Yeah.

1:01:58 Adam You can be out of the house if you want to be out of the house.

1:02:01 Best Of Right.

1:02:01 Adam Now, the question is, is what about you getting a job and getting your life going?

1:02:06 Best Of Well, that is what I'm working on right now. And I want to have every intention of doing that. I have to get a car and all that good stuff. But my friends are really helping me.

1:02:18 Adam What are you doing for money?

1:02:20 Best Of Well, right now, they won't accept rent or anything. So I do have a little bit over $400 to my name. And I should have an extra $400. But my mom had a joint bank account with me and I can't access the money.

1:02:32 Adam Your dad tried to smoke it.

1:02:33 Drew It was a joint account.

1:02:37 Adam Okay, listen. Call your parents so they don't call the cops.

1:02:42 Best Of No, they're not going to do that because they would get in trouble.

1:02:45 Drew I think they probably had a bong fund.

1:02:46 Adam Why? Because they got, what do they do? Because your dad like sells weed or something?

1:02:51 Best Of Well, we got a lot of family secrets, but like if they ever got the police involved, it would be pretty bad.

1:02:55 Drew Like what?

1:02:55 Adam Oh, you got molested.

1:02:57 Best Of Oh, no, no, no.

1:02:58 Drew What are the family secrets? What happened?

1:03:01 Best Of I'm really not comfortable talking about it.

1:03:03 Adam Well, your dad deals. I just said your dad's selling weed.

1:03:10 Best Of I said he grows.

1:03:12 Adam Yeah, he grows. He grows.

1:03:13 Best Of He smokes that he's a pothead.

1:03:15 Drew There's two possibilities.

1:03:17 Adam He smokes his own harvest. He's got a hydroponic farm in the basement.

1:03:21 Drew Either he's growing pot or he's keeping like somebody held prisoner in your basement. So go ahead with the pot. That's fine.

1:03:29 Best Of You know, they don't pay for cable and all that good stuff, too.

1:03:32 Adam Yeah, all right. They're dynamite people. Oh, yeah. So, look, call them, tell them I'm out of the house, I'm fine, I'm safe. I'll check in with you in another week and hang up. All right?

1:03:46 Best Of You think I should call soon or do you?

1:03:48 Adam Yes. Call soon. Call soon. Tell them you're safe. Tell them you're fine. Tell them not to worry.

1:03:54 Best Of Tell them you'll call them later.

1:03:56 Drew And that's it.

1:03:57 Adam And get a job and fight to keep it and move out and out of your friend's house and all that. Eventually, something's where I don't trust these friends too much. The guy's going to try to have sex with her.

1:04:08 Drew Oh, yes.

1:04:09 Best Of She doesn't sound very good looking, though.

1:04:11 Adam Megan?

1:04:12 Best Of Yeah.

1:04:13 Adam Are you attractive?

1:04:15 Best Of Yeah.

1:04:15 Adam You are?

1:04:16 Best Of Yes.

1:04:16 Adam All right.

1:04:18 Best Of Seriously, don't worry about my friends. They're good people. And my friend, the girl, she was in a very similar family situation and that's why they took me in.

1:04:28 Adam How about, do they drink?

1:04:31 Best Of She doesn't. She's diabetic, but he does every now and then.

1:04:34 Adam Be careful. Be prepared to see a silhouette of him and a bud tall boy just in the doorway tonight. You'll see his boner off to his right, you'll see the can in his left hand.

1:04:48 Drew Megan, this is no BS, you've got to be careful.

1:04:50 Adam Where are you asleep?

1:04:51 Best Of I understand that could happen, but I wouldn't allow it to anyway.

1:04:55 Adam That's a good girl. You take a corn cob off, you break it off in your coos before you go to bed, all right?

1:05:02 Drew Not just your coos.

1:05:05 Adam Hey, Megan?

1:05:06 Best Of Yes.

1:05:06 Adam I'm going to need to use the other half of the corn cob in the corn hole, okay? Drew pointed that out.

1:05:16 Best Of Not really down with that.

1:05:18 Adam Yeah, but he may be. I'm looking at. I'm very, here's my thing, I'm very conservative that way, I play it safe. I drive at 55.

1:05:29 Drew And she usually has a super bowl in her mouth.

1:05:30 Adam I always keep the deadbolt locked on the front door. I keep the hands at 10 and 2 and I sleep with a corn cob up my ass. All right, we're late. We got to take a break. We'll be back.

1:05:48 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:05:50 Love Line will be right back.

1:05:56 Adam Hey, yo, it's Lyle. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Let's get back to phones and speak to Josh, who's 20, Josh.

1:06:11 Best Of You don't want to talk to Josh?

1:06:13 Adam What's up?

1:06:15 Caller I flipped candy this weekend and I've had a really bad migraine for the last four days now, I guess.

1:06:21 Adam Is that slipping or flipping?

1:06:23 Caller Flip.

1:06:24 Adam Slip. And that's a coke and ecstasy.

1:06:28 Drew Those candy flipping.

1:06:29 Adam That's what I thought it was too.

1:06:30 Caller Or candy flipping, yeah, whatever.

1:06:32 Best Of All right. Didn't I say that?

1:06:35 Drew Anything else? Just headache?

1:06:37 Caller Yeah. It feels like a concussion almost.

1:06:40 Adam What do you do? Do you take? How do you do it? You snort everything?

1:06:44 Caller I snorted some coke and then I did some ecstasy and then I snorted some more coke.

1:06:48 Drew Was it a big dose of ecstasy?

1:06:50 Caller No.

1:06:51 Caller It was just one cup. It was a single hit.

1:06:54 Drew Did you have any sort of unusual reaction when you were high?

1:06:57 Caller No. Not really.

1:06:58 Caller I mean I didn't feel the ecstasy as much as I normally do.

1:07:01 Adam How much is the coke these days?

1:07:05 Caller I got like an eight ball for like a hundred.

1:07:08 Adam Eight ball for a hundred? Jesus Christ. Wait a minute. Is that like three and a half grams?

1:07:18 Caller Something like that.

1:07:20 Adam So you paid like 30 bucks a gram or 28 bucks a gram?

1:07:25 Caller Yeah. But you do an ecstasy for free.

1:07:30 Adam Coke is so cheap now. Listen, when I'm elected governor, eight balls will be $150. What are my policies? Yeah.

1:07:42 Drew Cocaine price controls?

1:07:43 Adam I mean, really, is Coke, I mean, eight balls a little cheaper, but is Coke 30 bucks a gram?

1:07:49 Caller That's how much I got it for.

1:07:51 Adam Wow. The kids today, Drew.

1:07:55 Best Of I don't do a lot of coke.

1:07:56 Caller I haven't bought a lot of it.

1:07:57 Drew How many days, when was this that you did this? Four days ago? Last weekend. And headache ever since. And it's a global headache? It's not one side or the other?

1:08:06 Caller Mostly like in the back of my neck and in the front of my head.

1:08:09 Drew Does it get into low back at all?

1:08:12 Caller My back sore. My whole body is really sore because I did it all weekend, but.

1:08:15 Drew Oh, you did multiple times?

1:08:17 Caller Well, I did coke multiple times, but.

1:08:20 Drew Anything else you're doing besides cocaine?

1:08:22 Caller Just coke and ecstasy.

1:08:24 Drew That's it. No pot, alcohol.

1:08:28 Caller Off the line.

1:08:29 Drew Doing any other... What's the pills you're shaking?

1:08:32 Caller What was that?

1:08:32 Drew It sounds like you're shaking a bottle of pills.

1:08:36 Caller I did coke a little bit ago.

1:08:39 Adam Josh, sounds like you're well on your way to hell here.

1:08:42 Drew Yeah. The cocaine... It wasn't that you did cocaine four days ago, as you added ecstasy four days ago to the cocaine. So you're strung out on coke, so that's where the headache is coming from. And it could be your sinuses, it could be a lot of different things, but it's the cocaine.

1:08:56 Caller So it could be just because if I don't do it, whatever, because I've done it all weekend and I'm kind of like strung out, I guess.

1:09:03 Adam So you're hungover. Yeah. What do you... Where do you get your money?

1:09:08 Caller I work.

1:09:10 Adam You have a good job?

1:09:12 Caller I do. I'm a collector.

1:09:15 Best Of Really?

1:09:16 Adam You collect drugs?

1:09:18 Caller No. Money from bills and crap.

1:09:20 Best Of I see. All right.

1:09:22 Adam Hey, Josh. Maybe you might want to look into your cocaine use.

1:09:26 Drew Yeah. You understand the treatment, Josh. And this kind of thing actually was kind of... We recommend you have treated it in a hospital. I know it's hard to get that these days for cocaine, but... Really? Yeah. Cocaine, they don't like to treat it.

1:09:38 Adam You can't stop doing coke?

1:09:40 Caller I can stop.

1:09:41 Drew Just don't want to.

1:09:42 Caller I don't know.

1:09:45 Adam Yeah.

1:09:45 Drew See, I can stop.

1:09:45 Best Of Just not stopping.

1:09:47 Adam Now you have a headache. You've had bad experience. Why don't you just stop then if you can stop? Yeah.

1:09:52 Drew The staying stopped in cocaine is really hard. The first week or so is streamability and irritability.

1:09:58 Caller I guess it does kind of seem hard if I want it right now, you know, I guess.

1:10:02 Drew Yeah. Go get treatment, all right? Again, insurance companies don't like paying for inpatient treatment for cocaine because they say there's no detox. But if you don't put people like this in a structured environment, they don't stop.

1:10:12 Adam So people don't detox from coke, so they're not going to put them in a hospital. But if you don't put them in a hospital, they're never going to quit.

1:10:18 Drew Right.

1:10:20 Adam Which doesn't that end up costing the insurance company more over the course of time because of people have to relapse?

1:10:25 Drew When you're governor, we're going to have a long talk about this. It's one of the biggest travesties out there.

1:10:30 Adam Really? I'm going to give money. All right. I got a lot of plans.

1:10:34 Drew We got you got to go for this governorship. We need it. And here's time. You've been talking about this for years.

1:10:38 Adam Consent. It's time to make consensual crimes legal, by the way, and all the prostitution, all that stuff. No prom. Knock yourselves out. Here's what we're doing. Taking all the cops. Violent crime. Even white collar crime. Go ahead. You want to skim some money at work? Go right ahead. Marjorie.

1:10:57 Caller Yeah.

1:10:58 Adam You're 21.

1:10:59 Caller Yeah.

1:11:00 Adam What's up?

1:11:02 Caller Well, I don't know. Like for the past three years, I've been like, I don't know, trying to experiment with intimacy and everything. But I like never get turned on. Even if the guy is like really turned on, I'm just not.

1:11:15 Drew Are you on a medication?

1:11:17 Caller No.

1:11:17 Drew Not sexual.

1:11:20 Adam It's just you don't really like sex.

1:11:23 Caller Well, I would imagine that I would. I'm a like very passionate person and I don't know.

1:11:29 Adam Drew's a man of exquisite passion himself. Perhaps you two should get together.

1:11:32 Drew Does anything turn you on?

1:11:35 Caller Yeah.

1:11:37 Drew Just not when you're with a person?

1:11:39 Caller Yeah. Just not when I'm with a guy.

1:11:42 Drew Well, what kinds of things get you aroused?

1:11:44 Caller I don't know. It'll be like unintentional things. Like, I don't know, like, you know how you see the intimate parts of a movie that'll do it. Or just have a really vivid imagination. Sometimes that'll do it.

1:11:59 Drew Have you just not been in love? You've not been in love with a guy?

1:12:02 Caller Am I in love?

1:12:03 Drew Have you ever been?

1:12:04 Caller No.

1:12:05 Drew I think that may be the mis-

1:12:08 Caller Uh-oh. Oh.

1:12:09 Caller I shouldn't have to be.

1:12:10 Caller I didn't think I had to love him.

1:12:13 Drew Hold on.

1:12:14 Adam Smoke detector battery went off in the background.

1:12:18 Best Of I have it clocked in at about 108, 109. So we should be looking for that thing to go off.

1:12:25 Drew What's every 35?

1:12:26 Best Of They're about somewhere between 35 and 55 seconds.

1:12:29 Drew So around 43, she's got to be quiet again. She lives in LA. Can't, can't. It sounds like her phone is right next to it too. Here we go.

1:12:37 Caller I can't really hear you.

1:12:39 Drew Okay, just be quiet for a second.

1:12:40 Caller Okay.

1:12:43 Best Of There we go.

1:12:43 Adam Okay, that was at 47.

1:12:45 Best Of Okay, hold on.

1:12:46 Adam Let me, let me, let me try and get you.

1:12:48 Drew What room are you in, Marjorie? My bedroom. Your bedroom. I want you to think about that.

1:12:54 Best Of Oh, I'm in charge, Marjorie.

1:12:57 Drew Be, be, be sympathetic. She can't get aroused. The engine isn't running.

1:13:01 Best Of Mm-hmm.

1:13:02 Drew She probably doesn't even hear this.

1:13:03 Best Of Seven is 13 seconds. So we're probably coming in about 25.

1:13:08 Drew For the next to go around. I think it's about 18.

1:13:10 Best Of So hold on. All right. Hold on, Marjorie.

1:13:12 Drew Marjorie, be quiet for one minute, okay? All right, here we go. Say 20.

1:13:20 Best Of 23. It's 23. 23.

1:13:24 Adam So hold on. I had it at 47.

1:13:28 Drew It's going to be 50.

1:13:29 Best Of Hold on.

1:13:30 Adam What's 23 and 47?

1:13:32 Drew 23 and 47.

1:13:33 Adam Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. What's 13 and 23?

1:13:37 Drew 36.

1:13:38 Adam 36.

1:13:39 Drew We passed that. It's going to be about 56.

1:13:41 Best Of Now it's coming.

1:13:43 Drew Quiet.

1:13:45 Best Of How's it 36, a 30, 50, 59, 54, 59, 59 you son of a bitch, I told you.

1:13:58 Drew I'm seeing 56.

1:13:59 Best Of I'm looking at the clock right there.

1:14:01 Drew I'm looking at this one up here. We're looking at two different clocks.

1:14:04 Caller We're off by a few seconds.

1:14:06 Adam This is an outrage. What'd I say? 39 seconds?

1:14:10 Drew Why don't you question Marjorie a little bit about her living environment.

1:14:17 Adam But how many seconds did I have? 39 on the extrapolation there?

1:14:20 Drew Yeah. Yeah.

1:14:21 Adam So we going off on 38 here?

1:14:24 Drew Yeah.

1:14:25 Adam We're looking at the clock. We're trying to time the smoke detector if anyone's just tuned in.

1:14:30 Drew Five. So it's 35. It's 35.

1:14:34 Adam 35.

1:14:35 Drew Yeah.

1:14:35 Best Of 36.

1:14:36 Adam 36 seconds. Oh, that's why I said the first one.

1:14:38 Best Of Yes.

1:14:38 Drew Yes, you did.

1:14:39 Adam All right. 36 seconds. Now, Marjorie.

1:14:41 Drew Yeah.

1:14:42 Adam That, when did it go off on the last one?

1:14:45 Drew 35.

1:14:46 Adam It went off on 35?

1:14:47 Best Of All right.

1:14:48 Adam So, 411? Okay. You live in a room that has a smoke detector that goes off every 36 seconds. Are you in your bedroom right now?

1:15:00 Caller Yeah.

1:15:01 Drew Okay. Just for a second, listen to the ambient noise in your room right now.

1:15:06 Caller Mm-hmm.

1:15:08 Drew Do you hear that?

1:15:10 Adam Now, how long has that been going off that way?

1:15:12 Caller For quite a while, but I just get used to it, so I don't really hear it anymore.

1:15:20 Adam Do you understand that would drive an iguana nuts if it was in a cage in your room? So, you want me to look at another room? No, no, no.

1:15:26 Drew That's what killed your trip.

1:15:27 Adam No. No. Now, where is your bed in relation to the smoke detector?

1:15:33 Caller Um, like two feet from right underneath it.

1:15:39 Adam And this has been this has been happening for weeks now, yes?

1:15:43 Drew Months.

1:15:49 Adam Really a year. Hold on. Let me talk to Drew for a second. Wow.

1:15:54 Drew I am impressed.

1:15:55 Adam First off, how low can the battery go that it can give the low battery detection for four years? We like Marjorie and we would like you to replace that nine volt battery with a new one, all right?

1:16:11 Caller I'll do it this weekend.

1:16:13 Adam Oh, please. And you know how you can tell if it's got juice in it? You put it on your tongue. So you got to fall in love, Marjorie.

1:16:22 Drew Yeah, you do.

1:16:23 Adam You need a guy you like.

1:16:25 Drew And we've know, that's been our experience with not every but many women that in order to hook up with their sexuality, they need to be having an experience of sort of genuine intimacy really.

1:16:34 Caller I don't, I just, I don't fall for guys like that. I mean, you know, I'd care for them, but I just can't really, I don't know, like.

1:16:45 Drew We get that. We get you're having trouble with intimacy, but that seems to be the missing ingredient here we suspect. Yeah, we suspect that.

1:16:52 Adam All right. So don't beat yourself up. Don't rush yourself. Don't freak yourself out. Just find a guy, get in a good, steady, monogamous relationship and you'll find your orgasm. All right. All right. Now don't hang up yet.

1:17:11 Best Of Five, four, three, two, one. Thank you.

1:17:19 Drew All right.

1:17:21 Adam One of our greatest pastimes, my greatest love in this show is timing people's low battery.

1:17:28 Drew Do we ever miss them? We hear them. They can be three blocks away.

1:17:34 Adam Imagine sleeping in a room with that over your head, chirping. I mean, that was through the phone and it was very audible.

1:17:46 Drew Distracting. But it's interesting how different the range of human brain function is. She has the capacity.

1:17:53 Adam Some brain, no brain.

1:17:56 Drew She has the capacity to screen things out and you have no capacity to screen things out. I mean, I don't know that I can put a judgment or qualify one or the other.

1:18:05 Adam If I could, you'd be first on the list of things screened out.

1:18:09 Drew No, I understand that. But you know what I mean? That some people can screen everything and then focus. It helps you focus when you can screen stuff out.

1:18:17 Adam Focus on watching soaps.

1:18:19 Drew Well, not everyone's focusing on the right things. All right. But your thing is, like you said, a flea farts and you're...

1:18:26 Adam No, but I think that's what makes me a genius.

1:18:28 Drew Yeah. That's what makes you... You know what it is? It makes you see all changes in the environment. You know what I mean? Things that are inconsistent, the rest of us sort of screen out, you see it and it bothers you.

1:18:38 Adam Yes. Everything bothers me. But I am amused by the smoke detector. All right. We are going to take a, I have no idea what Marjorie's question was. I just had to time and then it becomes very important to me that I am able to time the chirp. That was 36 seconds. The average runs over 30 and about under 45 or 50. The average chirp is somewhere in the mid 40s or low 40s. Would you say, Drew?

1:19:07 Drew Actually, I think there are sort of two clusters. One is around 50 and one is around 35.

1:19:12 Adam So, her chirp is going off. Let me just do some crazy math here.

1:19:17 Drew How many times a day?

1:19:18 Adam Her chirp is going off approximately two times a minute.

1:19:24 Drew 120 times an hour.

1:19:25 Adam Well, it's a little bit less.

1:19:26 Drew Let's just say 100 times an hour.

1:19:28 Adam Let's be forgiving because it's more than 100 times an hour.

1:19:32 Drew Just to round down.

1:19:33 Adam So, it goes off about 800 times in our average sleep.

1:19:36 Drew 2400 times a day.

1:19:41 Adam But she's not in her room 24 hours a day.

1:19:43 Drew 800 times while she's there.

1:19:45 Adam That's right. All right. We'll be back.

1:20:01 Drew Hey, it's Loveline, I'm Dr. Drew, Adam, just getting his coffee.

1:20:06 Adam Yeah, sing, bud. No, Drew, you weren't ready.

1:20:13 Drew Da-zam, wah-zee, wah-zoom-zoom-zee.

1:20:18 Adam Yeah, hey, it's Loveline, everybody. Sorry I'm late. Our new engineer, Michelle, said 15 seconds, and that was about eight seconds.

1:20:26 Drew No, she said a minute and a half, and then four seconds later she said 15 seconds.

1:20:31 Adam Yeah, what's up with that? You said a minute and a half when I went to go get my coffee, and 30 seconds later you said 15 seconds. Oh, the timer's off. All right, just as long as I'm not going insane. I need to know what's in my refrigerator that a tarantula will eat before the night is over. Phone number, 1-800-LOVE-191. Andrew.

1:20:55 Yeah.

1:20:55 Adam You're 16. I'm 16.

1:20:57 Caller Yeah.

1:20:57 Adam What's up?

1:20:59 Caller I got a girlfriend that just recently moved back to Kentucky and I live in Southern Illinois. And I'm 16, she's 15. And I was just wondering if my mom was right and we should break up until, you know, next year. But to me, that's stupid.

1:21:19 Drew You go to high school?

1:21:20 Caller Yeah, I'll be a junior.

1:21:23 Drew She's going where now? She's going to stay in Illinois and you're going to go to Kentucky?

1:21:29 Caller Yeah, she's in Kentucky.

1:21:32 Drew Why is this? I find this confusing.

1:21:34 Adam It's confusing because Andrew is either stoned or stupid. She's in Kentucky.

1:21:38 Drew She's moving away?

1:21:42 Adam Andrew?

1:21:42 Caller Her mom, her daddy is here in Illinois.

1:21:45 Adam Hold on a second. I think we're having difficulty with our phone line or something tonight, which is people aren't responding because I think they are responding. We can't hear them and it's driving us insane. She lives in Kentucky.

1:21:58 Drew Her dad lives in Illinois. That's how he met her. She's going back to Kentucky where her mom lives.

1:22:03 Adam Right. But bottom line is they're in high school.

1:22:06 Drew And they live a long way apart.

1:22:08 Adam She's going to be in Kentucky. He's in Illinois. How far away is that, Drew?

1:22:12 Drew It depends on the part of Illinois, but be that as the, that's the reverse of the Abraham Lincoln migration. Be that as it may. Migration. Andrew.

1:22:23 Caller Yeah.

1:22:23 Drew Yeah. Your mom's right. It's a bad idea to try to maintain a relationship in high school at that kind of distance. It never works.

1:22:30 Caller Oh, she is coming down this weekend, or coming out this weekend to see me, you know, and you know.

1:22:35 Drew Waking?

1:22:36 Adam She's coming out this weekend? And then she's going back to Kentucky, right?

1:22:41 Caller Yeah. Her mom said that she can come out and see me. I mean, her parents are cool with us going out.

1:22:49 Adam Yeah. Well, her parents are cool with, yeah, Drew, you'd be cool with your daughter going out with a guy who lived out of state, wouldn't you?

1:22:55 Drew Very cool.

1:22:56 Adam You never have to see him, right?

1:22:57 Drew Be greater with, so he lived in a different country.

1:22:59 Adam Yep. You're just leaving. Honey, don't forget your carry-on bag and your chastity belt. And you just send her on a plane, right?

1:23:06 Drew No.

1:23:06 Caller Yeah. Andrew? Yeah.

1:23:08 Adam Okay, so here's what's gonna happen. You're gonna get involved with her. She's gonna come out this weekend. You're gonna have a great time. Then the school year is gonna start. She's gonna go back to Kentucky and you both are gonna have horrible high school experiences because you weren't around your significant other.

1:23:25 Drew Right.

1:23:26 Caller True.

1:23:27 Drew You need to let this break up. It's a natural course of things.

1:23:30 Adam It's not gonna work, though, if she's coming out this weekend and we're not gonna talk Andrew out of it. So listen, Andrew, don't get her pregnant.

1:23:38 Caller No, I won't. About that transfer?

1:23:43 Adam Yeah.

1:23:44 Caller I just experiment with it, see what you can do.

1:23:48 Adam Okay, oh, Drew, hold on. Where's that scratch pad? Drew.

1:23:50 Drew Oh, I gotta record that. Put on tape, put on a wheel.

1:23:54 Adam Yeah, let's get that, hold on, now slow down. Slow down, Andrew. And Drew, don't ever take the pen away because sometimes these pearls come flying out.

1:24:02 Drew I'm not poised. I'm sorry.

1:24:04 Caller Andrew.

1:24:05 Adam Yeah. You're saying, see what I can do?

1:24:09 Caller All right, got it, got it.

1:24:12 Adam What else do you know? Do you know about transmissions, literature? Framing? What else do you know?

1:24:18 Caller Well, I did take auto mechanic last year, so.

1:24:21 Best Of You did, you did.

1:24:22 Adam Okay, so I should see what I can do about the car too?

1:24:27 Drew Yeah, just see what you can do.

1:24:30 Adam See what I can do. We had another one say, I came around with the other one.

1:24:35 Best Of Whatever.

1:24:36 Adam Whatever? We got whatever and see what I can do. Let's talk to Betty. Betty? You're 21. There's nobody under 80 named Betty.

1:24:50 Caller I know, I lied about my name.

1:24:56 Caller All those world thing.

1:24:57 Adam Yeah, don't pick a name like Beatrice or something. It's gonna confuse us. If I hear a name that's meant for a corpse on a 21 year old or Gertrude or Millicent. If I hear Millicent, Gertrude or Beatrice or Betty, is Betty short for Beatrice?

1:25:14 Caller No.

1:25:15 Caller No, should I just be Jessica?

1:25:17 Caller Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:25:18 Adam That'd be good. Or Brittany. Brittany would be good too.

1:25:20 Caller Brittany, okay, I'm Brittany.

1:25:21 Adam All right, Brittany, what's up?

1:25:24 Caller My boyfriend and I just started having sex. It's my first time and it's fine if we don't use a condom. If we use a condom, it hurts a lot and I bleed.

1:25:33 Drew Yeah, no way. With the Betty, it would have been too disconcerting.

1:25:35 Caller Right.

1:25:36 Drew I couldn't have answered this call. That's much better. With the condom, you never have any bleeding when you don't use a condom?

1:25:44 Caller Right.

1:25:45 Drew How many times have you used a condom?

1:25:48 Caller Four or five.

1:25:49 Drew And how often do you guys have sex?

1:25:53 Caller We've been dating for about four weeks now. We only see each other on the weekends, so.

1:25:59 Adam Okay, do we got to do the math on everything?

1:26:01 Drew How many rough days?

1:26:02 Caller We probably did it about 15 times, 10, 15 times.

1:26:07 Drew So almost half of them have been with a condom?

1:26:10 Caller Yeah.

1:26:11 Drew It's possible you just bleed with sexual activity and it's just coincidentally falling on the days when you've used the condom. Why did you not use a condom? When you didn't use them, what were you thinking?

1:26:23 Caller I hope I don't get pregnant.

1:26:25 Drew And when you did use them, were you closer to your period? Or was there anything about it that led you to use a condom?

1:26:31 Caller We started right after I finished my period. But I mean, it's been a couple of weeks now. Like we tried it last weekend and I still bleed.

1:26:42 Adam Okay, well let me ask some questions. Is there discomfort with the condom? You feel like you're not lubricating as well?

1:26:49 Caller It hurts, yeah.

1:26:52 Adam Could be that extra micron of width, which is that 30 percent increase in girth for me. Why don't you try using some lubricant with the condom? Sorry. What do you want me to go with? Stretch your coos out? What's your plan? You got to use, either you got to use lubricant with the condom, or you should just get on the pill. I mean, you guys are having a relationship, right?

1:27:27 Caller Yeah.

1:27:28 Adam Well, what about getting on some birth control?

1:27:31 Caller I have to wait till I get back to school, because my health insurance is through my university. I'm going to be back in August.

1:27:37 Adam What is the pill? Isn't that like 30 bucks a month or something?

1:27:40 Drew Roughly, yeah.

1:27:42 Adam Can you get yourself fired up, can you float a couple of months for that?

1:27:46 Caller Yeah. 30 bucks?

1:27:49 Adam Why don't you do that?

1:27:51 Caller Okay.

1:27:52 Drew I'll go to Planned Parenthood, get it for Next to Nothing. But be that as it may, I still am not convinced the condom is doing anything here. Bleeding comes from the uterus. It's not from the vagina. It's not like she rubs herself till she bleeds. Bleeding comes from unstable lining typically in the uterus or some irritation of the mouth of the cervix. And it just doesn't make sense to me the condom would cause it.

1:28:11 Adam The cervix has a mouth?

1:28:12 Drew It has a mouth.

1:28:12 Adam So it's like I'm getting oral when I'm having sex?

1:28:15 Drew Yeah, that's right.

1:28:17 Best Of Yeah.

1:28:18 Adam Whoa, dude.

1:28:18 Drew Just the tip, dude.

1:28:20 Adam Oh, man.

1:28:21 Best Of Now I'm into it again.

1:28:23 Drew It's the same.

1:28:23 Adam Yeah. Hey, I saw this commercial last night.

1:28:28 Caller You want to see this?

1:28:29 Adam Yeah. It's a mouth in the... Drew, do I have to explain everything on this show or do you want to do anything?

1:28:33 Drew I'm showing Adam pictures of his uterus and this is the cervix.

1:28:37 Adam In a book. In an anatomy book.

1:28:38 Drew That's right. And this canal here is the mouth.

1:28:40 Adam How far is this area? Could I reach this with my penis?

1:28:44 Drew You?

1:28:44 Adam Oh, am I going this way?

1:28:46 Drew No, this is where your penis goes in.

1:28:47 Adam I'm going up the bottom hole?

1:28:49 Drew Yeah.

1:28:49 Adam And how far is this distance here? And why don't they make these things to scale?

1:28:55 Drew This is just about to scale.

1:28:56 Adam That is to scale? It seems a little small.

1:29:00 Drew Yeah, it's a little small.

1:29:00 Adam This is like when I'm getting like an 11-year-old.

1:29:02 Drew Yeah.

1:29:03 Adam But I like 17-year-olds. How big would that be?

1:29:05 Drew This should be actually about four or five inches there.

1:29:07 Adam All right. Mine just won't be in Canada. Where are we, Drew? Oh, so I saw a commercial last night for the new birth control patch.

1:29:16 Drew Yeah.

1:29:17 Adam And the commercial. It's kind of weird. Kickboxing? No, no. That's for the herpes medication. Oh, that's right. Usually, it's like I understand like burger commercials are made to make you hungry. You know what I mean? The food commercials make you hungry. And the birth control commercial, I think, is made to make people horny. Because have you seen the commercial? The patch is on the chick's puke line. Right. I mean, she's wearing... I'm showing it on me, so it's not as effective. The patch is well below the belt line. It is basically... Let's say the cooze is at... Well, let's see. Straight up noon. Okay. Here's what it would be. The cooze has to be actually the center of the hands of the clock. It's in the middle of the clock. This patch is over at about 230 and just about halfway up one of the arms.

1:30:17 Caller Right.

1:30:17 Adam I mean, it's right there.

1:30:19 Caller Yeah.

1:30:19 Adam I mean, I had to... I T-Vo'd the thing. I watched it like eight times. I mean, that would have been jack material when I was in high school. And the chick, all she kept doing in the commercial, she's wearing these little bikini briefs. I mean, it's not even like sort of panty. I'm on my period panties. I mean string panties. She's facing the camera and she keeps sliding the material down and showing this patch, which if she didn't groom, you'd catch some pubes in the, it would be in the frame. You know what I mean? Yeah. And she just kept showing it like, hey, here's it. Hey, and it's like, all right, now I'm horny. I got to buy one of those patches so I could have sex. Like I'm not sure. Or like maybe I'll use it. Maybe I'll put the patch on my forehead and beat off. Look in the mirror. And it's on your pub patch. And did I have to put it down? It's like, does it need to be in the, in the, does it need to be so close to the cockpit?

1:31:21 Drew No.

1:31:21 Adam You know what I'm saying?

1:31:22 Drew No, it does not.

1:31:23 Adam Does the black box need to be actually inside, under the pilot seat? You know what I mean? It could have been on her arm, right?

1:31:31 Drew Yeah.

1:31:31 Adam She kept saying, put it anywhere. Put it here. And then it was like, or here, or here. Really, it was like, it was the kind of thing, though, like, I don't want to, you know, I'm not Squaresville or anything. But like, if you were sitting watching TV and your kids were like, sitting next to you, and it was like, here's this chick in her panties and she's, oh, she's taking her panties down. She's giving me a little look-see. You know, it was a move like, you know, you meet that chick who has like that, she has that little, little bird tattoo and it's in a little naughty place. And she's like, eh, eh, eh, and you're like, eh, here you go. That's what it was. So there's where the patch is. You're right.

1:32:08 Drew What is the behavior that's supposed to induce?

1:32:11 Adam Is it like, we like going to turn chicks on, we want to go out and get birth control?

1:32:16 Drew With the patch or with the commercial or do you need to run out and grab a woman and patch her?

1:32:21 Adam I like to sniff the patch while I beat off.

1:32:23 Drew I mean, it's not like going to get a hamburger.

1:32:25 Adam That's my whole thing. Like a lot of guys are into soiled panties. I'm into soiled patches.

1:32:30 Drew Yeah.

1:32:31 Adam What I'll do is I'll cruise the sorority. I'll comb through the dumpster like a raccoon.

1:32:36 Drew Oh, yeah.

1:32:36 Adam I'll find some of those patches. Oh, it smells like estrogen. Yeah.

1:32:41 Drew P&P's.

1:32:41 Adam Yeah.

1:32:42 Drew Playboys and Patches.

1:32:43 Adam That's what I like. That's right. They call me Patches. And then I make the mark of the devil. I make a pentagram on my chest out of those patches.

1:32:53 Caller Oh, nice.

1:32:54 Adam And then I beat off with a pair of soiled panties on my head. A little insights into me. Now, what do those tarantulas eat?

1:33:01 Caller Maybe I'll feed it a patch.

1:33:03 Drew No, what can you feed them out of the refrigerator?

1:33:04 Adam What can I feed it out of my refrigerator? Or the pantry. Or the pantry. Just as long as it's in my kitchen.

1:33:09 Drew Do they eat Doritos?

1:33:11 Adam Okay. There's a question. All right. We'll be back after this.

1:33:14 Caller All right, guys.

1:33:22 Drew 877-889-DATE!

1:33:26 Best Of Thanks for watching!

1:33:27 Caller Thank you for calling Loveline. Your call will be answered.

1:33:29 Best Of In the order it seems interesting.

1:33:32 Adam Thanks for.

1:33:55 Drew No wonder we fall in love.

1:33:57 Adam You can't go through what we've been through and not fall in love.

1:34:02 Drew You keep asking. We have told you not to bring this up. You say, do you love me? You're always asking that. And you know how it makes me feel.

1:34:09 Adam And you give me that, I love you. I like you. I love, love with you.

1:34:14 Drew And how many times do we have to go through that, really?

1:34:17 Adam Until I'm finished.

1:34:19 Drew I beg your pardon.

1:34:23 Adam That's it. That's the best of Loveline. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo.

1:34:32 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors or this station. The producer for Loveline is Ann Ingold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Thursday, December 25, 2003