Episode 1000585414234

0:54 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually oriented content. The listener discretion is advised.

1:00 Voiceover Loveline with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

1:04 It's Loveline.

1:05 Adam I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Dr. Drew, board certified physician, addiction medicine specialist. Michelle Branch is in the studio tonight. Hey. Nice to meet you. I was watching Michelle all through the Monday Night Football season because they were doing a whole thing about competing with NFL players. I was talking about it the other night. Drew, you don't watch Monday Night Football because it's something a guy would do and your wife doesn't let you do that. You would enjoy it. You do? It's just too bad you can't watch it. Even though it's on when you're home.

1:42 Drew Busy studying with my kids. No, seriously, that's what we do on weeknights now.

1:47 Adam You study?

1:48 Drew We study.

1:49 Adam What do you study?

1:49 Drew American history.

1:51 Adam Ah, let them study. They got that computer. Why don't you have your wife do that?

1:55 Drew There's three of them. Kids.

1:57 Adam Yeah, let her do that. That's woman's work. You watch the football. Michelle is here. Michelle, by the way, is on the cover of Maxim magazine, which is out as we speak. She's got a little tat. She's got a little musical note on her left shoulder and something. What's that? Don't set your beer here in Japanese?

2:17 Michelle Branch Is my daiquiri this year?

2:19 Adam What is that in the small of your back?

2:21 Michelle Branch It actually means a harmony that speaks.

2:24 Adam Would you please shut up, please? Jesus Christ. I'm sorry. I have to yell their peoples. Go ahead.

2:32 Michelle Branch It's just I was reading it in the Zen guitar book. It means a harmony that speaks from your heart to the heart of a listener. I wish I never got it.

2:41 Adam Really? Why?

2:43 Michelle Branch It was when I turned 18 and kind of got out of the house, my dad and mom always said, once you're 18, you're out of the house. You can do whatever you want. And I just wanted to test it out to see if they were being honest. And I did it. And now a few years later, I'm just sick of people asking what it means. I know. I probably could.

3:01 Adam I would have asked what it meant if it wasn't just sort of winking at me on the cover of Maximum. And then, look, now your dad can spin in his grave. He's still alive, isn't he?

3:13 Drew That would have been inappropriate. I told you so.

3:15 Adam Yeah. So where did you grow up?

3:18 Michelle Branch I'm from Sedona, Arizona. A really small town in Arizona. It's got 30,000 people, but it's a lot of tourists. Cool.

3:27 Adam I thought they liked tats over there in Sedona, Arizona. Yeah.

3:31 Michelle Branch A lot of tribal stuff.

3:36 Adam I thought they just sold like dream catchers and wind chimes and stuff.

3:40 Michelle Branch How do you think they get to the point where they think that's actually cool?

3:43 Adam Yeah, you got to get pretty high before you get into that crap. What would your parents do?

3:49 Michelle Branch My dad is a plumbing contractor. And my mom works in a restaurant, helps with managing a Mexican restaurant.

4:01 Adam I mean, as far as parents goes, you're pretty well connected. Something goes wrong with the head. Dad slides in. You need some chimichangas. Mom pops in. I mean, it's got good range.

4:12 Michelle Branch It actually worked out pretty nicely.

4:14 Adam Did you get to eat at your mom's restaurant?

4:16 Michelle Branch All the time. All the time.

4:18 Drew Do you have siblings?

4:18 Michelle Branch I do. I have an older brother. We're all four years apart. So he's 24. My sister is 16. And I'm pleasantly placed right there in the middle.

4:30 Drew That's 20.

4:31 Adam That's 20. Yeah. See, my parents didn't study with me. My dad was watching Monday Night Football like a man.

4:36 Drew Except he wasn't.

4:37 Adam I know. That puss. Just sitting around. What the hell was my dad doing? He really comes home to roost during the holidays.

4:44 Drew Sewing the pads on his elbows.

4:47 Adam My dad's a puss. Your dad's a plumber. That's a noble job. He's got his own business?

4:54 Michelle Branch Yeah, he did, actually. He ended up, I think, in my opinion, retiring way too early and selling his business to his partner. So now he kind of sits around the house and comes up with conspiracy theories about anything, you name it.

5:10 Drew What's your ethnicity?

5:11 Michelle Branch I'm Dutch-Indonesian on my mom's side and basically Irish and Eastern European on my father's.

5:19 Adam That's a lot of boos. And I know it's great when guys get too much time on their hands and they sit around and they start getting angry and yelling at the TV sets.

5:29 Drew Men should work till they die.

5:30 Adam Yeah, they need to work. Because they use their mind for evil after that.

5:35 Drew You got the alcohol, Gene. You got to be extra careful.

5:37 Adam And then they sit home and they're like, you know, Saddam, you know, Bush had Saddam the whole time. He had him. He was just waiting to bust him out. Those approval ratings went down and then pow, here comes Saddam. It's very convenient that it happens this close to Christmas. You know, they just sit around. And what you do is you surround yourself with guys who agree with you. And if one guy pipes up and says, oh, come on, what do you think? He's out. He's out. So eventually it's a small group of you. This is how it works. And then eventually you buy some land in Idaho.

6:07 Drew Dig your own hole.

6:08 Adam You start digging a hole. Yeah. And that's it. You start stocking canned goods and fried food. And that's it.

6:13 Michelle Branch For instance, the year 2000 was coming. My dad was like, you know, he got all this dry, dry food and he had all these radios.

6:22 Drew And don't you not give him grief now.

6:24 Adam You don't?

6:25 Drew Come on. Somebody's got a smothered child.

6:26 Adam What do you think the tat is? That's grief.

6:30 Michelle Branch What do you think being on Maximus is?

6:31 Adam Yeah, that's more grief. It's pain.

6:34 Michelle Branch Don't tell your friends we have dry food, you know, it's going to be the end of the world.

6:38 Drew Oh, yeah. They're going to come shoot us for the food. For the dry food.

6:41 Adam Let me tell you what my wife's dad does. My wife's dad is an NRA guy and he sends me tapes on he actually sent me a tape on how to construct a secret room. It's like, OK, I'm going to build a secret room and put you in it, old man, and then break it shut so we don't have to deal with your ass. How to construct this. By the way, he lives in a trailer. It's ironic that the guy lives on a house with wheels on it. It's got about a sixteenth inch of corrugated aluminum between him and the outside world. It's sending me tapes on how to build secret rooms. Jesus Christ. What is it? Old white guys. They just start going, old black guys, they just sing blues and they sit around and talk. I knew Satchel Page. They just sit around and talk about who they knew. I knew Louis Armstrong. I knew Satchel Page. I knew everybody. I was friends with Kennedy and Martin Luther King. But old white guys sit around trying to figure out ways to hide guns, stockpile munitions and dried goods. What the hell is that? I got to talk to your dad.

7:42 Michelle Branch I'm just happy to know it's not just him.

7:44 Adam No, no, it's not. You got to start building secret rooms. And then the great part is you have to sort of pretend like, hey, did you get that tape on the secret room building? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I did. Did you watch it? Sure enough. Sure enough. Hey, thanks.

8:00 Drew Interesting stuff.

8:01 Adam Hey, good stuff. Here's how people know you're lying when you're a little too interested. Hey, that was great. That 18 minute tape, that homemade tape made on how to construct the secret room. Fantastic feeling. I'll give it to the guys at work. Thank goodness you sent it to me when you did. I don't know if I could have won another day without knowing how to make a secret room. What, by the way, do we do in the secret room?

8:20 Drew What, by the way, is the secret room?

8:22 Adam You hide the stuff that they want. And guns and dry food.

8:29 Drew Do I have a secret room in my house? Do I just call it a closet?

8:32 Adam Yeah, call it a closet. Yeah, I also keep your secret belts and shoes in there, too. Yeah, I don't know what it is. There's a weird hoarding, protecting and hiding thing that goes on when you get older.

8:44 Drew I do have a secret room in my house. I remember I showed you that crazy hinge door that...

8:47 Adam Yes, I had to fix it for you.

8:49 Drew Well, no, you didn't fix it. You yelled at me to fix it myself.

8:51 Adam Okay, but here's the thing. People need to start dying when they're 50 again, because making it to 85, it's 30 years of torturing your family. So it's just crazy conspiracy theories in the videotape.

9:03 Michelle Branch Changing depends.

9:04 Adam A lot of ass wiping, a lot of wiping, wiping, yeah. What name is this, Drew? Talia? You're 15?

9:13 Caller Yeah.

9:14 Adam What's up?

9:15 I don't know.

9:16 Caller I have this problem. I'm into older guys.

9:19 Michelle Branch Uh-oh.

9:23 Caller 15.

9:24 Drew And are you into 18-year-old guys?

9:26 Caller No, like 30 or 40-year-old guys.

9:29 Drew 40-year-old guys.

9:30 Adam 40.

9:31 Drew Where do you think that comes from?

9:33 I don't know.

9:34 Caller I was thinking maybe it's from like, because my dad and my mom divorced when I was really young and my dad wasn't really around a lot and he wasn't really a good influence.

9:51 Drew What was he doing?

9:52 Adam Watching Monday Night Football and constructing secret rooms.

9:54 Drew That's a bad influence, right? I have a visceral reaction to that. Tell you, listen, that's great that you have that insight into where that's coming from. Have you ever acted on these impulses?

10:11 Caller No, not really.

10:13 Drew All right. So here's how you get over it. You have a real relationship. You find somebody your age.

10:18 Adam With Jesus Christ, by the way.

10:19 Drew That will help. But with somebody your own age, get involved, be open to it, and just see if you can add to it.

10:26 Adam Don't get pregnant. Are you a virgin?

10:28 Drew Yeah.

10:29 Adam You just have crushes on older guys.

10:31 Drew Yeah. Which is, you're right. That's where it comes from.

10:34 Adam You see, here's the problem, or here's the scary part. As a 15-year-old guy, I had my crushes on older women. But what was I going to do?

10:42 Drew All three of Charlie's Angels.

10:43 Adam I liked all Charlie's, and Bosley. I liked the whole Angel Clan. Like Linda Carter, like Cheryl Ladd. I mean, we all, there's once in a while some school teacher, something you're hot for. But what were you going to do? Just hump their leg? You couldn't do anything.

10:58 Drew As a 15-year-old man?

10:59 Adam Yeah. You couldn't proposition some 34-year-old chick and get laid or anything. There is a certain percentage of 40-year-old guys who would gladly have sex with a 15-year-old.

11:08 Michelle Branch I feel like someone brought this up, especially because I'm here. Because I actually, I've been getting a lot of grief recently because I really like older men.

11:18 Adam Oh, yeah.

11:18 Michelle Branch And it's...

11:19 Adam But not our old.

11:20 Drew Not his old husband.

11:22 Michelle Branch No, I mean...

11:22 Drew She said old, not ancient.

11:24 Michelle Branch I will be, I will be honest, my boyfriend who I care about very much is 39 years old. And I'm 20.

11:32 Drew There it is.

11:34 Adam All right, dad.

11:34 Drew Yeah, that's the one.

11:35 Adam That's the one, too.

11:36 Drew That's a pow pow.

11:36 Adam Well, let me see. The tad is a quick jab.

11:39 Drew Yeah.

11:39 Adam Set up. And then the 39 year old boyfriend, that's over the top. That's the widow maker.

11:44 Michelle Branch I guess I like to...

11:44 Adam Of course he's drinking.

11:45 Michelle Branch To make it...

11:46 Adam He's gotta drink. He's gotta drink to forget. Forget the tad, forget the ID of the 39 year old guy.

11:51 The tad's gone.

11:54 Michelle Branch I don't know. I use the excuse of... that I feel like I'm older than the average 20 year old and I'm supposed to so many different things. It kind of balances out.

12:04 Internet.

12:05 Michelle Branch In my band.

12:07 Adam What's he do?

12:08 Michelle Branch He's my bass player.

12:09 Adam At least he plays an instrument. So if you just like played like the tambourine or the fish or something, that's it. All right. Well, that's good. Well, okay. Now what about this argument, Drew?

12:18 Drew If they're together traveling, what are you going to do? Is she not meeting other people? She certainly can't trust other people she's meeting.

12:25 Adam But what about this argument in like, okay, there's a big difference between Michelle, who's 20 and one of our goofball 20 year olds who's working at the Arby's and going to the junior college and still living at home.

12:38 Drew Right.

12:39 Adam Emotionally.

12:39 Drew Different.

12:40 Adam However. Their bodies are all the same by the time they're 17 and a half.

12:44 Drew Yeah. Your point.

12:45 Adam Well, I just mean they're all grown up physically. But emotionally. Michelle's making money and, you know, going on the road and she has a responsible life. I mean, what's the big difference?

12:56 Drew Here is the thing about that I'd be concerned with is that there's different priorities at different stages of life.

13:02 Adam Plus, he's a bass player. So he's like 19 emotionally.

13:06 Drew But at 70, he'll be 19.

13:07 Adam There's a constant robbing in his head.

13:08 Drew Boom. So that's all that's what we worry about is that people have different sort of, you know, and you may not understand what his priorities are because you're not there. And he should understand what yours are since he's been 20. And that's all. It's just a concern that that's a good creepy one.

13:25 Adam Celine Dion. Yeah. I've always questioned that one's always weird because it's always convenient. It's like, well, we met when we were 11. I was 11. He was 56. But we didn't start our lives when he started your relationship. I'm going to give you three years past whatever you was when you met. He didn't wait till you're 18 kind of thing. Like, that's a weird one. Like you meet this person when they're, I mean, I didn't know. I thought she was like 17 or something. She was like 12.

13:53 Drew Then he makes her in the lab and he remakes her too, right? Rebuilds her. Yeah, it's weird. It's working for them. Who are we to judge? It's all good.

14:04 Adam She's got her own perfume. I don't know what she smells like, but it can't be great. I mean, what is it? What is that cap here? That perfume? Where's your perfume? Do you have a perfume? See, if we were going out, I'd have a perfume for you, keep the recipe in the secret room, Drew. Secret room. It's like, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to tell my filing law next time you ask me about the secret room. I'm going to go, well, maybe I built it or maybe I didn't.

14:35 Michelle Branch You never know.

14:36 Adam You understand. You can't let people get too close to the secret room.

14:39 Drew Nobody will know. Can't tell anybody.

14:41 Adam All right. So listen, you kids are dynamite. He's 39. I'm 39. You know. Yeah.

14:48 Drew Now think about your boyfriend being 39. How's that feel? Pretty good? No, it's fine. Listen, it's when people are stuck in like a submarine together. They're stuck in an isolation chamber together. It's natural enough feelings emerge.

15:01 Adam Well, don't discount the relationship, Drew, just because you're on the road doesn't mean I fall in love. You and I go on the road. We barely give each other a reach around.

15:11 Drew Have I not been complaining?

15:13 Adam All right. I'm not going to be a douche. Now, let's know love their kindred spirit. You pass cross and now they're in a bus.

15:21 Michelle Branch It's very romantic. Thank you.

15:25 Adam I like those buses. It's hard to hump at those bus beds, though. You know, they're big and you got to make sure your head isn't facing toward toward the front of the bus.

15:35 Michelle Branch It's bad news.

15:37 Adam You mash your neck.

15:38 Drew You've been riding on buses.

15:39 Adam I know I've been on those buses.

15:42 Drew We went on Willie Nelson's.

15:43 Adam We went on Willie Nelson's. It's like climbing inside a giant bong. It really is. You open the door and just bong water comes pouring out. Drew got dragged down the street by bong water.

15:55 Drew He got flushed down.

15:55 Adam He got flushed down the gutter. Yeah. A lot of weed in that Willie Nelson bus. Curtis? You're 16?

16:07 Caller It's an unbelievable story.

16:09 Adam Yeah, it's Willie.

16:11 Dude, Adam, you're my idol.

16:13 Adam Thanks, dude.

16:15 Drew Thank you, dude. Dude, Curtis?

16:17 Caller I was wondering if, like, if I work out excessively, if my penis will shrink.

16:22 Drew No.

16:24 Caller No.

16:26 Drew No. In fact, your circulating testosterone levels should go up.

16:30 Adam Yeah.

16:31 Drew What makes the thing shrink is if you supplement or you take high doses of anabolic or androgenic steroids and your body sort of becomes resistant to some of the effects of what circulates normally, that can cause the testes to shrink, not so much the phallus.

16:46 Adam Curtis? I could use a little testy shrink and, you know, when you get the, well, I don't have to tell you. When you get 39, the testes keep going.

16:54 Drew You need a testy.

16:54 Adam You need to stop at 17. Testes keep rolling along. And then just tighten it up just a little bit with a watch or something, suck up some of that extra skin.

17:07 Michelle Branch That's a nice visual.

17:08 Adam Yeah. Maybe donate it to like the burn ward.

17:10 Drew Oh, yeah. Oh, and now you're talking.

17:12 Adam Now you're wearing Adam's testy skin on your forehead.

17:14 Drew Adam's d'artos tunic laid down over on the Michael Jackson burn center.

17:19 Adam Your forehead was so horribly burned. That grease fire. What happened? This guy has testies, part of Adam donated, part of a sack, it's part of giving back the sack foundation that he started. He encourages all men over 35 to give if it's just a couple of square inches of sack, every bit helps.

17:39 Drew Yeah. Aren't you glad you came tonight, Michelle?

17:42 Michelle Branch He's so glad. I'm, you know, I'm on the road with with guys constantly, but this just gives more insight into what you guys.

17:50 Adam Oh, yeah. I know. Whatever you need to know. We'll tell you.

17:52 Michelle Branch If I work out, will my penis shrink?

17:54 Drew That's all.

17:55 Michelle Branch I never has crossed my mind.

17:57 Drew They're very preoccupied with that part of their body, man.

17:59 Adam I think I think we should hear a little Michelle Branch song. Chris, what do you think there, buddy? You queued up. This one is called Are You Happy Now? I like that song. Hotel Paper's name of the CD. It is out. That song was written for her dad after she got the tattoo. Where are we here? It's time to take a break? Yeah. All right, so Michelle Branch in studio. Drew over there, me over here. When are we gonna come back? Come back to talk to Les after first orgasm with 19-year-old girlfriend. Can't come again in same night.

22:22 Drew How dare he?

22:23 Adam He's only 23, he should be able to pull that off. Yeah, yeah, hmm?

22:29 Drew We'll talk.

22:29 Adam All right, after this. Hey, everybody, it's LoveLine. Michelle Branch is in studio tonight. Hotel Paper. What's that mean?

22:59 Michelle Branch I've been on the road for the last few years of my life, so most of the songs that I wrote on this album were written on the stationery that you find next to your bed and the fabulous holiday hills across the world.

23:12 Adam That does clarify. Drew was in the next room, chatting it up with some med students who we invited tonight. I told our crack engineer, Chris, Chris said, Drew, and Drew, nothing Drew likes more than people that like studying and like medicine and like him. He was in there holding cord, I could see him through the glass, but I told Chris, and Chris leaned in and did the 30 second call to you. Couldn't hear it. Couldn't hear it. So we sat here and 26 seconds went by and I looked at Chris and I said, Chris, I don't think he heard you. And Chris said, all right. And he leaned back in and he said, 30 seconds. I said, that was 29 seconds ago. It's now one second. But Drew, Drew scurried.

23:59 Drew Didn't hear it. Didn't hear that.

24:00 Adam You didn't hear the second one.

24:01 Drew No, Mark saw you getting upset and then said, hey, I think you better get back in there.

24:04 Adam That's why I love Mark.

24:05 Michelle Branch I thought it was intuition.

24:07 Adam Yeah.

24:08 Drew My internal clock was going off.

24:09 Adam Woman's intuition. We'll get that straightened out there. God knows where his 30 second call went now.

24:16 Drew It's in space somewhere. Yeah.

24:19 Adam Where it belongs. It's two 30 seconds, which is a 60 second. I don't know why I punched that one. Let's go to less. Less.

24:27 Caller Yeah.

24:28 Adam You're 23.

24:29 Caller Yes, sir.

24:31 Adam All right. I like your enthusiasm, son.

24:33 Caller Well, it got to be, you know, I don't trust it.

24:36 Adam That feels bogus.

24:37 Drew Yeah, it does feel bogus.

24:39 Adam You have a bogus feel to you.

24:41 Caller Oh, sorry.

24:42 Adam Yeah.

24:43 Drew All right.

24:43 Adam Well, anyway, go ahead and ask your question.

24:45 Caller All right. Well, I'm with my girlfriend. She's 19. I'm 23, as you said. And we have sex pretty regular and it's about maybe once, twice a week. And we do it multiple times in a session. But after the first time I orgasm, I can't again.

25:06 Adam Why bother with the multiple times?

25:08 Drew This shows totally made up to me.

25:10 Adam Well, sometimes there's a lot of guys that are just sort of sound like they have, like they're stuffed with horse hair. You know, I mean, there's nothing there. A lot of guys that are that way. Most guys, you know what I mean? You talk to them, there's nothing there, but that's all right. That's, he's a little nervous. He's not a, he's not a complex man. He's not an onion that you got to peel.

25:30 Drew The mul-

25:31 Adam But you know what I mean?

25:31 Drew It's more like just a chunk of styrofoam. With no multiple times.

25:35 Adam Yeah. Why are you doing it multiple times? If there's a, how do you know when you're done the second time?

25:39 Caller Well, she basically says, get off of me. So, but she's into it. I mean, both of us are into it. Like, and we keep going, we try to keep going. And just not able to achieve the second time.

25:53 Adam Well, you know.

25:54 Drew There you go.

25:55 Adam Yeah. You know what you risk when you, when you really go hard for that second one is the calf cramp. Point. Yeah.

26:02 Drew So I'm imagining less as part of, as like a inflatable door or something.

26:06 Adam Less?

26:06 Caller Yeah.

26:07 Adam What do you do for a living?

26:08 Caller I'm a security officer.

26:10 Adam Perfect. And you, you work at night?

26:13 Caller Yeah.

26:14 Adam Smart. You don't have to have all this pesky people bothering you. What? Yeah. What are you guarding?

26:20 Caller Oh, actually right now I'm just watching Christmas decorations at a local bank.

26:25 Adam Smooth.

26:25 Caller I, I got a lame post this time, so.

26:29 Adam Ah, they call that the James Bond post. Are you kidding? That's the most important gig there is in security. You're making sure no one steals the baby Jesus.

26:36 Drew Just imagine what Michelle's dad's conspiracy theory would be about the bank's Christmas ornaments.

26:42 Adam Oh, sure.

26:43 Michelle Branch I'm just thinking we shouldn't say what bank you're working at, because now everyone will know that you're just sitting there watching the Christmas ornaments.

26:49 Adam Yeah, what are you supposed to be doing? Are you guarding the safe? Are you in the bank?

26:53 Caller No, actually, that is my problem. All I do is sit and watch the Christmas ornaments.

26:57 Drew Expensive like ornaments outside.

26:59 Adam All right there, buddy. Listen, you're fine.

27:02 Drew Don't worry about it.

27:03 Adam Yeah.

27:04 Drew Not everyone can, even 23-year-olds.

27:06 Adam Yeah, are you beating off regularly?

27:09 Caller Oh, no, not really. Just whenever I'm not able to get with my girlfriend, maybe once or twice a week, I'm not with my girlfriend.

27:16 Drew Yeah, where are you from originally?

27:18 Adam That's not much.

27:19 Caller I'm originally from Texas, so.

27:21 Adam All right. All right, buddy. Well, it's all working out. How's your girlfriend doing?

27:26 Caller Oh, she's doing well. She's doing well.

27:27 Adam All right, buddy. I'm liking less, more and more, ironically. All right, less is more. That's what I say. All right, you're fine, buddy. That's just you.

27:36 Drew Just relax.

27:37 Adam You enjoy yourself, okay?

27:38 Caller All right, sure will. Thanks a lot.

27:40 Adam All righty.

27:42 Drew Like we're gonna magically be able to instill virility into him. Oh, you need to go a second time? Well, here, you just eat more papaya.

27:49 Adam Well, yeah, I imagine. Well, let me, wait a minute.

27:55 Drew Why?

27:55 Adam Where is he? Les?

27:57 Caller Yeah.

27:57 Adam Yeah, he's still there because I am gonna help Les. Okay, Les beats off like once a week.

28:02 Drew No, he said only if he's not with his girlfriend.

28:04 Adam Yeah, but he said it's more like once or twice a week, right?

28:06 Caller Right.

28:07 Adam Les, what position do you beat off in? You do it like what I do in The Lotus, or yeah, standing on the head, or what position do you do?

28:16 Caller Oh, I'm just laying down, you know?

28:18 Adam Laying down, laying down. Okay, and when you're with your girlfriend, are you laying down or are you on top of her?

28:24 Caller I'm on top.

28:25 Adam You see, that'll screw you up. All right, here's what Les, here is what-

28:29 Drew You'll combust.

28:30 Adam Yeah, here's what Les has to do. Les has to get used to squeezing off multiples when he's beating off.

28:40 Drew On his back? Or does he have to get on his stomach?

28:42 Adam On his back.

28:43 Drew And now he's gotta bring his girlfriend?

28:44 Adam Then she gets on top after he has his first one in whatever position that may be.

28:49 Caller All right.

28:51 Adam Gets on his back and he's used to the multiple now at his own hand. You understand? All right, Les, you call back in, let's say, four years. Four years? No, call us back, but I want you to see if you can get two out next time you beat off. All right, will do. All right. Roger and Wilco. All right?

29:14 Drew Yeah.

29:14 Adam Copy that?

29:15 Drew Copy.

29:16 Adam Will do. I like when a guy says will do when I'm talking to him about beating off.

29:20 Drew Climb and maintain one 8,000.

29:22 Adam Don't you think, Michelle, if he could get two off, he could get two off with her? See, he's beating off like once a week. You can't do the jack man.

29:33 Drew No, she's doing it, but she's not as into it as you are.

29:37 Adam I'm trying to help.

29:38 Michelle Branch If he can do it by himself, though.

29:39 Adam Yes, yes.

29:40 Drew That's the point.

29:41 Michelle Branch If he's jacking off and he can do it by himself and why can't he do it when it's coming?

29:45 Adam Yes, and two. He's gotta push. He's gotta challenge. Drew, you know what it's like when you gotta push.

29:50 Michelle Branch Not everything in life is easy.

29:51 Drew Right.

29:51 Adam No, it is not. You have to climb that mountain one more time.

29:55 Drew That's right.

29:56 Adam That's right.

29:57 Caller I've been there. Oh yeah.

29:59 Adam Susan? You get those little flashes in your head like you're not gonna make it. You know like those movies? Those movies where the guy's like a long distance runner or something and he made the last corner and you know that second beat off. You get those little doubts flashing to your head. You know it's not gonna work. You're not gonna make it. You gotta push those aside and focus. Very important. Yeah, on your own reflection. Susan?

30:25 Caller Yes.

30:26 Adam 18?

30:27 Caller Yes.

30:28 Adam What's up?

30:31 Caller Okay, for the past four years, I've had this problem where basically when I get too frustrated, it could be at someone else. It could be at myself. I end up cutting myself. And the reason that it's disturbing me is because when I do, I don't feel like I'm all there. I kind of go numb.

30:51 Drew You dissociate.

30:52 Caller Yes.

30:53 Drew Yeah, which is sort of a, were you a trauma survivor?

30:58 Caller I don't know if you would call this trauma that my dad might finger me when I was in fifth grade.

31:03 Drew Yeah, that's, it goes on the spectrum.

31:08 Adam Third, second base with dad.

31:11 Drew Until I was 11, 10 year old. Wow, that's horrible.

31:16 Adam I don't know why, but the guy's worse than a guy who has sex with you when you're nine. I don't know what the finger banging and the.

31:23 Drew It's creepier. It's creepy.

31:26 Adam Wait, your dad must have been an alcoholic or something, right?

31:29 Michelle Branch No.

31:32 Adam Really?

31:33 Caller And that was the only time it's ever happened.

31:37 Drew He wasn't intoxicated at the time?

31:40 Caller No.

31:41 Michelle Branch Are your mom and dad together?

31:43 Drew All right, well listen.

31:44 Adam He couldn't leave all that, but. Maybe the guy's got a tumor or something. Be nice.

31:50 Drew Whatever, you've been traumatized. God knows there may have been something earlier as well. Dad is the kind of guy who would engage in these behaviors. You now dissociate, and during those dissociative episodes, you cut.

32:02 Caller Yes, and the last time I did it was about four weeks ago, and I ended up trying to slit my own throat. That's why I'm scared.

32:11 Drew So you were actually trying to harm yourself. You weren't just cutting, you were trying to kill yourself.

32:15 Caller Yeah, basically.

32:17 Drew Were you, now do you, have you been treated?

32:19 Caller No.

32:20 Drew Okay, you almost killed yourself. Wouldn't it be appropriate to go get some care?

32:24 Adam Well, you wait till you kill yourself, then you get some help.

32:27 Drew Then you step it up.

32:28 Adam What's your dad do, a plumber?

32:29 Caller No, he is a computer manager at the Arkansas Baptist State Convention.

32:35 Adam Oh, I see.

32:36 Drew I'm gonna blank that out.

32:37 Adam It's all falling into place now.

32:43 Drew All right, Susan, you gotta get some care. This is a life-threatening issue. You gotta go somewhere. Do you have a doctor?

32:50 Caller No, I have been talking to a school counselor.

32:54 Drew All right, there you go.

32:55 Adam That's great.

32:55 Caller He even actually tried to call my house and talk to my mom about it. And he told me that my mom was still calm when he talked to her. But whenever I tried to bring it up with her, she got all defensive and acted like it never happened.

33:09 Drew It doesn't matter what happened or how it happened. What matters now is that you deal with stress very inappropriately. And when you dissociate the kinds of things that emerge behaviorally and emotionally are very dangerous. And you have to have, basically you have to rewire your brain. You have to have experiences therapeutically or maybe take some medication that helps you not dissociate when you have stress. So you can learn to sort of regulate your feelings and then manage these things without these dissociative episodes and then not cut.

33:40 Adam All right, well, don't cut school and go talk to that counselor of yours. What the hell's going on with this country, Drew?

33:47 Drew It's a good time.

33:48 Adam Dad. I don't know what's weird. It's what's weird of the finger banging once. This is bizarre.

33:56 Drew It's bizarre, yeah.

33:57 Adam Yeah, it's bizarre. Oh, let me tell you guys what's going on with me.

34:01 Drew Uh-oh.

34:02 Adam You have a cold. A, I have a cold, but B, I have this hernia that's just, it's just, it's kicked in. It's game on now.

34:10 Drew It's time.

34:11 Adam It's time. I had a hernia on one side.

34:13 Drew You gotta lie down on the floor. Let's reduce it. Come on.

34:17 Adam Let me just explain.

34:17 Drew I don't want your car straight right here on the air.

34:19 Adam It's too late. I've already incarcerated. Does that mean fart?

34:22 Drew It means it twists and dies.

34:24 Adam But not fart?

34:25 Drew No, no fart.

34:26 Adam Okay, then I haven't.

34:28 Drew No fart. All the gas gets stuck up inside.

34:30 Adam Oh, I'll tell you, I'll tell you what, I had the one on the one side. It's like someone buried a golf ball right under your pubes.

34:38 Drew Yeah.

34:39 Adam Right where your pubes hit your belly. You know that line? I call it my bikini. I call it the top of my bikini area. It's like-

34:46 Drew Michelle just barfed. Hey!

34:48 Michelle Branch No, she's mixing you in a bikini.

34:50 Adam Well, it's not obviously we're in winter time, but when the summer comes around, sure.

34:55 Drew He's gotta get the right, the wax and all.

34:56 Adam Sure. It's like Drew had this too. It's like, where was yours though?

35:00 Drew Both sides, same spot down.

35:01 Adam Both sides, same. It's a weird thing. And it's like someone put a golf ball right in that one place. I had one on one side for, it's been almost 10 years. And the doctor just said, well, until it starts hurting, you're fine. Or hang on to it when you laugh or you look like an old Jew laughing. You get your hand, your forefinger tucked in your sack while you're laughing, what the hell? But anyway, then the other side cropped up. Yeah. Yeah. And I got off the sofa tonight at like 9.15. I was like, oh, jeez, I got a stomach ache. What's going on? And then, uh-oh, the golf balls have flared up.

35:37 Drew Got a whole roomful of medical students next door. I'm gonna show them how to reduce their hurting.

35:41 Adam A lot of those hacks aren't gonna be graduating. Oh, those saw bones over there. I've sized them up. A lot of those guys aren't gonna make it out of med school. These are first year guys, right?

35:51 Drew Third year.

35:51 Adam Third year? How many are there, like 20? How many years? Four. Whatever, the green.

35:56 Drew And then four more.

35:57 Adam I don't know, I don't need these. I need a pro.

36:00 Drew I'm here. I'm here.

36:00 Adam All right, but the point is, is I'm in pain and I'm like, I'm like, I'm like a lion with a, with a thorn in its claw.

36:06 Drew Yeah, no.

36:07 Adam I'm miserable.

36:08 Drew Yes, you're taking it out on everybody. Except it's, you're, you're so miserable most of the time. It's hard to discern it differently from any other night.

36:16 Adam Oh, I got this cold. We've done enough.

36:20 Drew Go home?

36:21 Adam Well, I'm saying, what's wrong? Michelle's, we played her song. She set her pace. We talked about beating off. It's just gonna be more of the same show we always do. All right, I'm gonna lie down and we'll go to break. Now, what should I do?

36:37 Drew Lie down.

36:38 Adam Really?

36:38 Drew Yeah.

36:38 Adam Why, sitting up's bad?

36:40 Drew It lets it pull back in.

36:42 Adam What can't I do when I get home, if you know what I mean? Is there anything I can't do?

36:50 Drew You can't master way to the point that you get that calf crack.

36:53 Adam I can't go for two?

36:53 Drew You can't go for two.

36:55 Adam What if I skip two and just go right to three?

36:57 Drew Yeah, you'll explode.

36:58 Adam Okay, Michelle Branch here tonight. I'm gonna lie down and let my hernias settle, my innards. Oh, my guts, I can feel them pushing through my sweatpants. All right, we'll talk to Liz when, she had her older bro came on her. Let's take a question for Michelle when we come back. Yeah, who wants to know about Michelle's acting, TV, movies, that kind of stuff. All right, we'll be back after this.

37:27 Thank you for calling LoveLine. Your call will be answered in the order it seems interesting.

37:31 Caller Call LoveLine, 1-800-LOVE-191.

37:48 Adam Hey, everybody, it's LoveLine. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Michelle Branch in here tonight. God love that Laura, the world's worst producer, yelled at her 40 minutes ago for coming in here while the mics were hot, and well, that's what we get. Oh, miserable. Drew just had me, yeah, I lay down, and I pushed my hernia back up in me.

38:15 Drew Mm-hmm.

38:16 Adam It just, it's a lump. It's a pretty good one, too. I didn't know what was going on.

38:21 Drew It's exactly like what I had.

38:22 Adam Yeah.

38:23 Drew Precisely.

38:23 Adam So I lay down on my back, Drew told me to shove it back up in me.

38:26 Drew I actually pushed a little bit, if you noticed.

38:28 Adam What's that?

38:28 Drew I pushed, too.

38:30 Adam Well, with his heel, the heel of his boot. That's the kind of doctor he is. But I lay it on the ground, and...

38:37 Drew The reason I bring it up is because as soon as I started pushing, this room cleaned out. This room emptied. Chris, like, dove for the door at that point. Like, he was afraid what was coming next.

38:46 Adam Engineer Chris is great. You're on a roll tonight, Chris. He said that I was lying on my back. Drew said, you gotta lie on your back for like an hour. This thing's gonna come back. Your bowels gonna settle and start coming out through your muscles and your stomach or whatever. And Drew said to Engineer Chris, you got a mic that'll make it to him on the floor? And he said, maybe this one. And Drew said, what, you think the one he uses could make it? He said, maybe. And Chris pushed it about three inches to the right. Now, meanwhile, I'm 10 feet from this thing. It's on one of these arms that swings, probably swings a foot one way. He swung it about four inches before he realized. Let's believe it. I thought he was gonna do something. I thought he was gonna detach something or snap in some sort of jack or something. But let's just check in the range. Let's check in the range. All right, well, I'm back up. Michelle's here and I'm a new man.

39:39 Michelle Branch How are you feeling?

39:41 Adam I feel like singing.

39:42 Drew I'm in love with the life. I temporarily cured him.

39:45 It will recur.

39:46 Adam My bowel was, what happens with this hernia?

39:48 Drew Watch him sour, watch. Watch me start.

39:50 Adam Oh, shut up, Drew. There we go. What happens with this hernia? What is it?

39:56 Drew I don't want to draw it. It is bowel coming down your inguinal canal, basically.

40:00 Adam And what's it poking through?

40:02 Drew The inguinal canal.

40:04 Adam The inguinal canal. Which is one part of Europe. I don't wanna see it. Is that 39-year-old bass player you got? Oh yeah. Yes, what you got to look forward to. Hernia guy. You're wearing a pretty little thong back underpants. He's gonna be wearing a truss. Yeah, big belts, big elaborate belt systems, gotta take off.

40:25 Drew I had that for a while. My wife was very turned on by that.

40:27 Adam It's nice to see a guy who's essentially wearing a bra.

40:30 Drew Nobody touched that.

40:31 Adam He's wearing a bra on his nance. Yeah, I gotta get one of those. Drew, can I borrow your hernia truss?

40:37 Drew Let's show him now. I don't have to wear them so much. Look, look.

40:41 Adam Oh, Drew's gonna show me a hernia in the book. Yeah, yeah. So anyway, I got a little bowel shoving through the thing, making a nice little thing. Yeah, it's gross. I laid down, Drew tucked it in with his heel.

40:54 Drew They were all good now. My palm.

40:56 Adam Yeah, we're good. We're good. We'll be good until it pokes through again. No, I'm fine. James?

41:03 Yeah.

41:04 Adam What's up?

41:05 Hey, you guys played, are you happy now? Didn't even mention it was nominated for a Grammy.

41:10 Michelle Branch Thank you.

41:11 Adam Nominated for a Grammy.

41:12 Good luck.

41:13 Michelle Branch Thank you very, very much.

41:15 Hey, and I was at your DC show in October and you had a blown out knee and you couldn't walk.

41:21 Michelle Branch Yep.

41:22 And you had a pretty bad sore throat.

41:24 Michelle Branch Yep. I'm still getting over a cold.

41:26 Adam What happened to your knee?

41:28 Michelle Branch I was playing softball and I was up to bat and I tore some cartilage in my left knee. Really? It happened in October and it's still swollen right now.

41:38 Adam Interesting old timer. A cartilage just playing a little softball.

41:41 Michelle Branch I know.

41:41 Two good reasons to cancel the show. She didn't.

41:44 Adam She didn't.

41:45 Came out from the roof off the place.

41:47 Michelle Branch Thank you.

41:48 Adam She farted. Oh yeah, I meant farted. I'm so thinking about farting. Well, Drew said I was gonna start farting now that I shoved my bowel back in.

41:56 Drew Oh good, I wanna impress Michelle. That's good.

41:58 Adam No, I didn't say that.

42:00 I just wanted to ask, Michelle said Hotel Paper was more personal this time, and obviously music is like a emotional outlet. Do you ever see yourself maybe going into, looking into acting as another outlet?

42:13 Michelle Branch Absolutely not.

42:15 No.

42:16 Adam No really?

42:17 Michelle Branch I don't know, I don't.

42:18 Do it for you?

42:19 Michelle Branch The Hodgkin didn't do it for me. Rob Schneider was begging me to be in it, and I had never been in movies before, and I get really, really anxious when I'm in front of the camera.

42:32 Adam How'd you know Rob Schneider?

42:35 Michelle Branch I don't know. Somehow, you know, it was one of the, I'll have my people call your people, we'll do lunch things. I met with him, he wanted me in the movie, and I was on the road and I couldn't really do it, so I'm a DJ in this one section, and honestly, if you blink, you miss it, but I don't know, I think if the right project were to come along, I would do it, but I'm not itching to be in a movie, I don't know. I think musicians should stick to music and actors should stick to acting, no cross-pollination.

43:06 Adam Yeah, good.

43:07 Well yeah, we don't want you in something like Glitter.

43:09 Michelle Branch Yeah.

43:10 Adam Plus, I mean, you're 20, I mean, you don't want to, how tired can you be of singing at this point? I mean, you got a lot of years before you get burnt out on it.

43:18 Michelle Branch I don't know, my knee's already bad though, you know?

43:20 Adam True, that's true.

43:21 Michelle Branch It seems like my span of things is kind of quickly dwindling.

43:25 Adam Yeah, well, you got to play softball if you act too, though, so you got to keep that in mind. Drew, how does that work with life?

43:33 Drew What?

43:34 Adam Well, I mean, I was talking, see, I think one of the reasons my bow's coming out for my nards.

43:40 Drew There's where it comes out, right there.

43:43 Adam Is, I was doing a little boxing today and I was talking to my boxing trainer and he's got some 24-year-old big black heavyweight guy. He's like seven and O and everything. Hey, and I said, how's Bolo doing? Cause that's a guy's name. And he said, he blew out his knee. I said, what happened? Said, just climbing out of a van. I've seen the guy box a lot.

44:04 You know what I mean?

44:06 Adam He's a big behemoth. And then I thought to myself, I've played 11 years of organized football, never had a knee problem and blew my knee out just playing in a pickup game, just running, just popped out. What is that? And I mean, I know you can explain it, but how does it work? Yeah, the guy's a professional boxer. He hasn't hurt his knee, steps out of a truck, he blows his knee out just climbing out. It's not like the truck was moving or anything. Michelle's up there doing crazy things on stage all night, plays a little softball, pow, knee's gone. How does that weird stuff, how do I play 11 years of football, no knee problems, and then this little pickup game at the park, knee blows out.

44:41 Drew It's the different movements, different, you know, you're not being precautious. You have no good answer. Yeah, well no, it's that stability.

44:48 Adam I asked these scrub med students over here, they got a better answer than that. Now look at them. They're just clean sleights.

44:55 Drew They're afraid I'm gonna give a bad review.

44:56 Adam It's like staring into a TV. They got, you know, when you cut the cable on a TV, that's what these guys look like. It's just static. No, it's nothing there. They're not gonna make it through these kids.

45:06 Drew They're almost there.

45:07 Adam Almost, and it's gonna be such a shame when they don't make it.

45:10 Drew It's about stability, right? The knee is unstable and it's lax and you're not, you know, using them, all the muscles that you would normally use when you're say, you know, in a football game, you're just sort of hanging loose a little bit. You make movements and it's lax and the movement pinches parts of the joint and there you go.

45:25 Adam You guys hear that? Yeah. See? They learned something. All right. Ashley? You're 23?

45:33 Caller I am.

45:35 Adam What's up? Yeah.

45:36 Caller All right. Well, I'm kind of embarrassed about even calling in, but I don't really have any insurance for the doctor. So I just kind of want like a basic general answer. I, okay, a long time ago I had anal sex and I had a little bit of discomfort for like, you know, a good two weeks.

45:54 Adam That's how I blew my knee out.

45:55 Drew With anal sex.

45:56 Caller Didn't like it, whatever. Never did it again.

45:58 Adam 11 years of gay porn, pow, one time, just me and a partner. Blow it right out.

46:06 Caller So now I'm 23 and I have, I'm having like a lot of discomfort in that area again and I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's hemorrhoids.

46:19 Drew We gotta get back to this after the break.

46:20 Adam She's calling from Georgia too, or I believe it's a hanging crime there.

46:24 Caller I'm from Michigan, so don't blame that.

46:26 Drew Yeah, but you're in Georgia where the-

46:27 Adam You're calling from Georgia, right?

46:29 Caller I'm calling from Georgia, but I am not a southerner.

46:31 Drew No, but he's just saying the laws might-

46:33 Adam The world's stupidest callers. She's calling from Georgia too.

46:41 Drew We'll be back.

46:42 Adam All right, screw all you. Then my belly feels better.

46:45 Drew It's coming back though, I can tell you're slowing down.

46:46 Adam You're quiet down for us.

46:48 Drew That's what I'm talking about.

46:50 Adam Michelle Branch and student night. We'll talk a little about the Bud Love when we come back.

47:28 Drew I sues on views, I cues on views, I cues act, I cues my kizer, my kizer, I zee. Yep. It's all kizer.

47:36 Adam That's right.

47:36 Drew It's always like my kizer.

47:38 Adam It certainly is.

47:38 Drew Always like my zoom, my zee, my zoom zoom zee.

47:42 Adam Yeah. Yeah. That's what I want to be.

47:46 Drew A zoom zoom zee.

47:47 Adam I want to be your backup guy, but the white version, instead of the black guys like behind Jesse Jackson, he delivers a speech and he's back there and I'm like, yes sir.

47:56 Drew Dr. Drew in the hissy.

47:58 Adam I'll just be the white guy goes, yes, I agree. He certainly is. Oh yes. He is the zoom zoom zee. Absolutely. Michelle Branch is here tonight. Going to hear something else off a hotel paper, name of the new CD and we'll hear a song in this break at some point or this, let's say this segment, it's called this segment. It's not a break, right? Breaks of time in between the segments.

48:26 Drew I believe that's right. We're radio pros.

48:28 Adam That's right. I got a new lease on life now that my innards are back out of my sack. No.

48:35 Drew It's coming back. I can see you graying it. Listen, by the end of this segment, you're going to be irritable and slow and pissed.

48:43 Michelle Branch Woo, I picked a good night to come in.

48:46 Drew Let's end of every segment.

48:47 Adam I got a cold too. And let me ask this. I bet a lot of people listening will know the answer to this. How is it you can be sort of on the brink of a cold, which I've been on for about four days, or do you just have a very minor cold? You know, it's bad in the morning. You wake up in the morning, got a little scratchy throat.

49:08 Michelle Branch Seems like allergies.

49:08 Adam You got a little stuffy throat, a stuffy nose, a little something that sort of dissipates a little. Is that allergies?

49:15 Drew Usually that is, yeah.

49:16 Adam But I don't think it is with me though.

49:19 Drew There's some theories that when your adrenal levels are up, like if you're very active or manicky, that sort of thing, that can be protective against colds or can keep them from moving on into a more pronounced stage. Or maybe your body's fighting it off for some reason, literally, or maybe it is a lesser virus, weaker virus, a virus your body's seen before. There's all kinds of variables in this.

49:43 Adam Yeah, I think my body's seen this one.

49:45 Drew Maybe.

49:45 Adam It's like, I know you. You're that virus I effed you in high school, didn't I? Yeah, you smelled. That's right. I'm gonna kick your ass this time. But not too much of an ass kicking. You still could kick Adam's ass a little between like eight in the morning and 10, 15. Then it'll rear, it rears its head a little later in the evening, too. It's like it, I don't know.

50:07 Drew It may get set up and get going.

50:08 Adam That'd be nice. Got that to look forward to. All right, Michelle, you're feeling OK? Your knee's good.

50:14 Michelle Branch My knees, you know what? I notice it when it sounds, I hate this because I always thought that it was an old wives' tale, but when it's cold outside, it hurts so bad.

50:27 Adam It's not a wives' tale. It makes a difference, right?

50:30 Michelle Branch I didn't think it was true. I don't think I would ever have the opportunity to figure it out myself.

50:36 Adam Did you get knee surgery?

50:38 Michelle Branch No, I didn't.

50:39 Adam Did they want you to get that arthroscopic surgery?

50:42 Michelle Branch I'm gonna investigate it.

50:44 Adam Yeah, I got it. It's no big deal.

50:46 Michelle Branch Really?

50:46 Adam You did?

50:47 Drew Your knee?

50:48 Adam Yeah. An arthroscopic surgery?

50:50 Drew Oh, I did know that's right. That's when the guy hit you with the baseball bat.

50:52 Michelle Branch It scares me.

50:53 Drew Yeah, later.

50:54 Adam Yeah, a little later on that day, I got attacked with a baseball bat in a bottle.

50:58 Drew That's nice.

50:58 Adam Broken on me. It was nice.

51:00 Drew North Hollywood, it's a great place.

51:01 Adam Great fellas over there. Oh, I gotta tell that story real fast. I'm telling you, arthroscopic surgery works great. I got it, and that was the next day I got new...

51:17 Drew I told you he's gonna slow and get irritable, here it comes.

51:20 Adam All right, okay, here's what goes on. Now, I'm probably 20, maybe 21, 21. And I'm going to like a makeout party. It's like five chicks, me and four of my friends, and somebody's parents are out of town, and we're going up there and everyone's gonna score. That's the plan, at least. So, of course, now fast forward to 1.30 in the morning, and all the guys are out scoring with their chicks, and I'm in the living room with the one psycho broad in there watching like ESPN 5, and the chicks are scary and mean and ugly and nasty. I want nothing to do with her, and I can't leave because all my friends are there, but at a certain point, she's such a pain in the ass, I decide I'm gonna leave. So, I start walking out the front door and heading down the stairs to, you know, take my ass back to my crappy apartment, and there's a whole bunch of these guys that are coming up the stairs. So, this is quasi hoodlum guys, sort of like gangbanger guys, but not that bad, but semi-scary guys. Anyways, as I'm waking my way through the guys, the girl says, this guy punched me, and she's pointing at me. And this is what you do when you're crazy broad. And I guess she wanted me to make some move on her. And so, you know, she had to be in bad shape, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. And I just picked up and said, I'm leaving. So, and so the guy said to me, what are you doing punching the girl? I didn't do anything to the girl, and he hit me. And he's like, what kind of pussy? It's a girl, and the guy starts shoving me. So I said, look, I don't want any trouble. And I said, look, I wasn't on crutches. I said, I just had orthoscopic surgery in my knee. And so I got stitches. I still have stitches in my knee. So I can't be getting in any trouble. And then the guy said, I'm gonna break your other knee. Which I should have listened to, because later on his friend hit me the bat in the other knee. But anyway, I said, all right. I said, those are fighting words. And then I made this mistake, which I said, all right, just me and you, though. Just me and the guy is gonna break my knee, right? Just me and you. And you friends, you other guys, you stay out of this. We'll just head out in the street and we'll get in a fight. So we head out in the street, we got in a fight, and then I was doing good. I was beating him up for the most part. And then I punched him and he like went back into his friends and then he was done. And then I started the verbal taunting. This is another mistake I made, right? It's our calling table, pussy.

53:45 Drew You left that part of the story out last time you told it.

53:48 Adam I was like, hey, come on, pussy. Well, yeah, I'm feeling good now. I'm just getting started. You're pussing out. He's all effed up. And so I'm yelling at this guy. And as I'm in the midst of yelling, I'm calling him a puss and everything because he was all mouth upstairs. Here's what I like. When a guy finds out you don't want to fight, all of a sudden you're a pussy and he's the toughest guy in the world. Like soon as you tell him, look, I don't want any trouble. Now all of a sudden that's it. And I don't like that. So anyway, I'm yelling at him, come on, pussy. Finish what you started. Get over here. What are you scared? And next thing you know, a bottle breaks on me. It broke right on me. It was thrown. It wasn't swung. It just exploded right on my shoulder. No problem, though. Didn't do anything. See, this is why you gotta get drunk, Drew. Nothing bad happens when you're drunk. Bottle blows up. If I was sober, I'd be deaf in the left ear and be paralyzed in my left side of the face. But no, hits me in the shoulder, pops, a beer bottle, nothing. I didn't even have a red mark on my shoulder. I didn't know how that happens. Then next thing you know, boom, full baseball bat. Right in the knee. But in the good knee and behind it. So all I did was like curtsy. It didn't even knock me down. But the guy took a full swing. And then I started yelling at the guys who hit me at the bat and stuff. And then they all piled on me, which was huge. And that's when I got my lips split open and stuff. And then it kept going. But then anyway, I was fine. I made home, I was fine. But just to finish the story off, the big fat Mexican guy who I was calling the pussy and squared off with, later on moved in my apartment building. And I was standing, this is about five years later. And he was saying, you look familiar. Yep, that's what he was saying. And I was saying, what'd you do? Did you play any Pop Warner football or Little League Baseball around here? No?

55:26 Drew What'd you figure it out?

55:27 Adam He told me.

55:29 Drew Right then?

55:30 Adam Yeah, no, it took him a minute. Then he figured it out. And he was big and scary. But I gave him a good ass kicking last time. So he was like, kind of, he wasn't sure what to do. He was like, this guy looks like a puss, but he did kick my ass. And so he just let it go. Yeah. And the guy hit me with a bat, we found him too.

55:46 Drew Well, Ray dragged him in the bathroom.

55:47 Adam My buddy Ray found him, yeah.

55:48 Michelle Branch But you know, they thought that you were hitting a girl.

55:50 Adam That's the moral of the story. That's the moral of the story. What's the moral of the story?

55:55 Drew Stay away from crazy women.

55:56 Adam Yeah, stay away from the crazy women. And number two, you get that orthoscopic surgery, you can square off with a whole gang out in the street. You'll be fine. Maybe he was fine.

56:07 Michelle Branch Sign me up.

56:07 Adam Yeah, it's good times.

56:09 Drew All right, we're back with Ashley.

56:10 Adam Oh, where are we?

56:11 Drew Ashley and the butt pain.

56:12 Michelle Branch Oh yeah.

56:13 Drew Yeah.

56:13 Adam Oh yeah. Speaking of pain. Yeah, Ashley.

56:16 Caller I really appreciate that.

56:18 Drew So how long ago was this? You had the first encounter as it were, or last encounter.

56:24 Caller Oh, I was like 14 or 15.

56:26 Adam 14?

56:27 Caller Yeah, it was a long, I mean, we were together for a long time. Well, 13 and we stayed together till I was 22.

56:35 Drew How old was the guy? Oh, stepdad. And you were starting to have anal sex with him when you were 13?

56:44 Caller We were crazy, yeah. That's a, that's- You know, we lived in the middle of nowhere.

56:49 Adam Yeah, I was gonna say, that's growing up in a house with no cable.

56:52 Caller Yeah, exactly.

56:53 Adam You don't get cable, you start getting a corn hold.

56:55 Caller Right.

56:56 Adam No, that's, I'm telling you, if they would start using that as a marketing campaign, hey, do you want this to happen to your daughter? All right, you can get her a cable. No, this is boredom. This is boredom.

57:05 Drew But that's translucent white trash.

57:09 Adam Yeah, this is albino translucent. This is clear white trash.

57:13 Caller Creepy, everything, but we never did it again. So that's fine.

57:18 Drew But it harmed you, it hurt you back then.

57:20 Caller Well, yeah, I mean, I was obviously young and small.

57:24 Adam Yeah, what does none of, you said you never did it again, then you said none of us?

57:29 Caller No, neither him or I, we never tried that again.

57:32 Drew You were doing it to him?

57:34 Caller No. He never attempted.

57:38 Drew Just a strange way to respond to it.

57:40 Michelle Branch None of us.

57:41 Adam Yeah.

57:41 Michelle Branch Neither cousins.

57:42 Adam Yeah, he got me the answer on 13, but we never did it again. None of us. What the hell does that mean? Crazy rhythm. All right, so you've been limping for like 10 years.

57:57 Caller No, I mean, that was fine. It passed after like, you know, like I said, like two weeks, it wasn't uncomfortable anymore. I got over it. Okay, so now I'm 23, going about my business, you know.

58:07 Drew And the pain's back. The pain's back, right?

58:10 Caller Yeah, and I'm afraid, and the blood too. Oh, you're bleeding. Yeah, and I'm terrified that I have like, you know, but is there any such thing as like tearing, you know, like when women have babies, they're around their vagina, it tears, is there anything like that in that area, please?

58:28 Drew Of course there is.

58:29 Caller I don't want this to be hemorrhoids, I'm too young. And that's-

58:32 Drew Well, it also can, you also can cause hemorrhoids. You also can tear and cause fissure. Oh, wait, you'd rather have a torn raccoon than a hemorrhoid? Yeah, you'd rather have the hemorrhoid. You don't want fissures and tears and fistulas and things like that. But there's no way, there's all kinds of things this could be, could be abscesses.

58:46 Adam Please, Lord, let my anus be torn. Please, don't let it be something that can be cured with an over-the-counter medication. Please, dear God, let it be torn. Let it be ripped open like a bag of chips.

58:56 Drew Anytime there's rectal bleeding, rectal bleeding needs to have a physical inspection. Somebody needs to look with a scope and make sure it's not a tumor. All kinds of things can be causing this.

59:07 Adam All right, but can we say that, is it safe to say that 10 years after she didn't have cable, as we call it now, and in this bleeding now, can it be connected? You say it could be some scar tissue or something like that.

59:24 Drew But it's not that. It's not that. It's probably just some hemorrhoid, but you're having no other bowel changes or abdominal pain or anything like that, no diarrhea, anything.

59:31 Adam No, nothing.

59:32 Drew All right, but Drew, here's Adam Loveline. So get some hot baths, get some Aneosol cream, and you need to have this thing evaluated.

59:37 Adam All right, but here's the thing. She can just have it evaluated. She doesn't get into the 13-year-old anal rape story.

59:43 Drew No, you don't have to get into that story.

59:45 Adam This is going.

59:45 Caller No, I was just repeating, you know, at one point it was like that pain.

59:49 Drew I know, I understand.

59:50 Adam I'm saying.

59:50 Drew Thank you for telling us.

59:51 Adam Just go in and let him have a, let him put you up on the rack.

59:54 Drew You said you have no healthcare, go to county.

59:56 Caller Does that, because I heard you talking about it last week or so, where they have a new system of looking without that nine foot long.

1:00:04 Drew No, but that's not for you.

1:00:05 Adam Yeah, you're not gonna get that.

1:00:07 Drew You go to the county facility and see what you can get done. But those reminds me, in terms of new things, emergency contraception again, over the counter.

1:00:14 Adam Yeah.

1:00:15 Drew Over the counter.

1:00:16 Adam Good times. Drew.

1:00:18 Drew It's gonna happen.

1:00:19 Adam Hey, you what? Did you work in a county facility for a while? Did they know who the anal cases were? You know what I mean? Here's what I'm saying. You're there and the bag lady comes in and she's got like a acorn in her ass or something and she's gonna need you to fish it out.

1:00:36 Drew Oh, yes.

1:00:36 Adam With some tongs. You had to take a powder at that point. I mean, like, hey, I'm going on a run. Like, who wants snoggles? No, anyone wants Taco Bell? I'm going on a run.

1:00:46 Drew What is more the case is the resident goes, acorn, you said acorn? Get the third year medical student over here. That's how that works. And there were all kinds of things, mostly males putting things up there. Mostly dudes.

1:01:03 Adam Mostly the fellas, just tripped and fell on stuff.

1:01:06 Drew Just sat on it.

1:01:07 Adam Just stuff. Would you have to fish some stuff?

1:01:09 Caller Yeah.

1:01:11 Adam But to me, don't you want them to learn a valuable lesson? Like you just fish that bowling pin out of their ass.

1:01:16 Drew The fishing was-

1:01:17 Adam But that teaches them.

1:01:20 Drew You're fisting basically to get stuff out, so.

1:01:22 Adam Really? Yeah. How do you get in that area?

1:01:25 Drew It's...

1:01:26 Adam Don't you gotta relax them a little bit? Like some piece of wood to bite on? You gotta loosen them up, right?

1:01:32 Caller Yeah.

1:01:34 Drew Sometimes.

1:01:35 Michelle Branch What's the strangest thing that you ever came across?

1:01:37 Drew All kinds of weird stuff. When I was actually on, there was a vibrator way up. Really?

1:01:45 Adam That's why you gotta put-

1:01:46 Michelle Branch See what you guys have to look forward to?

1:01:49 Adam That's why you-

1:01:49 Drew Surgical rotation.

1:01:50 Adam I always use the ankle leash with that. Just like I do when I surf, because there's no way, I don't want that thing getting loose.

1:01:57 Drew Yeah.

1:01:58 Adam I don't want to hack that thing up one day. And how do you get the vibrator out?

1:02:03 Drew Manually.

1:02:03 Adam Manually. And what did the C-size batter, you remember what size batter is? Because that's important.

1:02:08 Drew Oh, but I do remember the resident, actually the resident fished this one out and then he turned it on and walked around the corner. Look, takes a look and keeps on taking it.

1:02:14 Adam Wow. Wow. Still fired up. Yeah, that's something.

1:02:18 Drew All right.

1:02:19 Michelle Branch Small one.

1:02:20 Drew It's something you can never forget.

1:02:21 Adam Let's hear Michelle Branch's song, shall we?

1:02:23 Drew Yeah, on that note.

1:02:24 Michelle Branch Perfect segue.

1:02:27 Drew He wants to lie down again. I can tell.

1:02:31 Adam I ain't gonna die. Hotel Paper, name of the album. And this one is called Empty Handed. What the hell is that, sitar?

1:07:26 Michelle Branch I need that canned laughter or that clapping, I don't know.

1:07:30 Adam No, it feels good.

1:07:31 Michelle Branch I was thinking that we should invent something where you can just open a box and it starts and, you know. You carry it around with you. You just open it whenever you feel like, you know.

1:07:41 Drew How about the family guy thing where he has his own music? That's what I want.

1:07:45 Adam Well, I got my own theme song.

1:07:47 Drew Yeah, but just a music that suits your mood in the moment.

1:07:51 Adam Yeah, but Michelle, you want to know my. What song is it? Anderson, you have my music. Well, let me explain something. I'm bouncing. I'm bouncing. Glasses, dark glasses, but I'm looking. I'm sliding down my nose. I see people I recognize. Coat slung over the shoulder. Members only coat. Moving.

1:08:14 Michelle Branch Members only.

1:08:15 Adam Moving like the beginning of Saturday Night Fever. You know what I mean? Just leg stride, stride, and just stride confident stride.

1:08:24 Drew Michelle, if you were in that restaurant looking at him, here's what you might see. That's what the girls see. That's what they see. That's what I'm talking about. They look across through them and they see the members only jacket too.

1:08:47 Adam Thanks Drew, thanks a lot.

1:08:49 Drew We'll play a little Germany, Florida to cheer you up when you're back.

1:08:52 Adam Oh yeah, Michelle, you're gonna love this game of sweeping the nations, Germany or Florida. Uh-oh, maybe a little theme from Michelle Branch too. Oh yeah. Yeah, well we'll explain it all. Yeah, after this. 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:09:14 Loveline will be right back.

1:09:30 Adam I'm Adam. The phone number is 1-800-LOVE-191. You know what used to be great is when when Cosell used to do it. And he'd go Sir Francis of Tarkington. Love that one. Just talking to Muhammad Ali last week about Sir Francis. He was always great, yeah. There was a quarterback for the Vikings named Fran Tarkington and he would call him Sir Francis of Tarkington and he would do it. Alan Page was the defensive end of that team. He would do the halftime highlights and he'd probably always, he'd probably always half drunk when he was doing it too and he'd get all excited and he'd just go crazy. Like he'd go, he'd go, but on the ensuing kickoff, the ball goes to this man, the speed burner out of Mississippi State. And he'd go, he'd do this, he goes, they said he was too slow to play and it's like, don't tell him that. Cuts left, now picks up a block, he's going in for a touchdown. And then you go, no, no, a five, holding call, pack goes on to win it. He was, I would go nuts when he did that.

1:11:07 Drew All we could wait just for that one, the halftime show.

1:11:10 Adam Oh my God.

1:11:11 Drew Yeah, and the great thing about the television museum now is that they don't keep any of those records, any of those shows.

1:11:16 Adam You know, it was the, yeah, I don't know if they have that or not, but a few years ago when we were in New York, I went into the radio and television museum because we were broadcasting out of there, at least Kevin being the mothership morning show was, and I had a little time to kill, and I said, oh man, great, finally, show me, show me Howard Cosell, Monday Night Football.

1:11:38 Drew Don Meredith.

1:11:39 Adam And they're like, now we don't have that. And I'm like, they had the ones with OJ they had the ones from like the early 80s, and I'm like, Monday Night Football, Howard Cosell, you guys call yourself the museum? No, no, we don't. It was, it was, I was like, when they were a little surprised.

1:11:57 Drew Alex Karras, right? Don Meredith, Frank Gifford and Howard Cosell.

1:12:01 Adam Yeah, and they all clearly hated each other, which was another exciting part.

1:12:06 Drew Meredith was really the, he was loaded and he was pissed.

1:12:09 Adam Everybody hated each other.

1:12:12 Drew Yeah.

1:12:12 Caller You guys are killing me, because I got a lot of Cosell drops through my car. And I usually have them in here, but it's happening in my car right now.

1:12:19 Drew Go get them. We're just going to be talking for a few minutes.

1:12:21 Caller I got to park like eight blocks away from here. Go get it. What?

1:12:25 Adam I haven't heard it. We never, you never heard of Cosell drops.

1:12:28 I know, cause I haven't put them in yet.

1:12:29 Caller Try and remember later in the week. I'll play them.

1:12:31 Adam Tomorrow night. You remember to get.

1:12:33 Caller I'll play this out of nowhere.

1:12:39 Adam Who else? That's the other one you like. I'm Adrashad. Yeah. Little Sammy White. Yeah.

1:12:49 Drew You like that team. The Viking team.

1:12:51 Adam The Vikings were always on the, always on a Monday night football. Roger Star. They do some, they do some Dallas Cowboys. It's always great.

1:13:00 Drew Florida or Germany?

1:13:02 Adam Germany or Florida. That's the same show. Now, Michelle, we know, we know you're a singer. And we're always looking for a theme for our game show called Germany or Florida. Now we've had other professionals in the past sing it with.

1:13:17 Drew Well, here's an example.

1:13:18 Adam Yeah. Mixed degrees of success. Anderson, have anything?

1:13:23 Caller Now let's go with the not heard thing. Just, you know, say Germany or Florida. Yeah.

1:13:29 Adam I don't, I, you know, we tried that with the Tori Amos. It didn't. It was good.

1:13:33 Caller I liked her.

1:13:34 Adam All right. You may be right. You may be right. Here's what we'd like you to do, Michelle, if you can. If your knee's feeling up to it.

1:13:42 Drew Sing a jingle.

1:13:42 Adam Germany or Florida. It's, it's, it's a game. It's sweeping the nation, by the way. It's when people call us and tell us effed up, wildly effed up stories and we decide, did it come from Germany or Florida? So, however that moves you.

1:13:57 Drew We're all evil emanates.

1:13:58 Adam Right.

1:13:58 Drew We're all evil and bizarre and macabre.

1:14:01 Adam However that moves you, whatever that makes you feel, if you could just let that come out in the war, in song form. Yeah.

1:14:07 Drew It's just a jingle.

1:14:09 Michelle Branch But I have that lingering cold thing.

1:14:11 Drew Perfect.

1:14:12 Adam It's perfect.

1:14:13 Michelle Branch Let me think. All right. So just go.

1:14:15 Adam Yeah, Germany or Florida, but let it move you.

1:14:18 Michelle Branch Just, like the theme song. Germany or Florida. That sounded like a robot thing. I like that. Why am I allowed to do this?

1:14:29 Adam No, that was a spatter flag.

1:14:32 Michelle Branch It was supposed to be.

1:14:33 Adam No, that was a four. You got a seven in you.

1:14:37 Michelle Branch Maybe I should play another example.

1:14:40 Adam Give her a couple examples. Yeah, that's a little Amity and Ivory though. And then. That's Pank. That's Pank. Yeah. That's yours truly. That's what's her name. This is David Allen Graer.

1:15:16 Michelle Branch I like that one.

1:15:17 Drew We do too.

1:15:18 Adam Yeah, but now you gotta come up with your own. That's all we're saying.

1:15:21 Michelle Branch I see, I was meaning for it to be kind of more like a operatic, very serious German thing.

1:15:29 Adam You know what, you should just let it move you. You know, if you go in all preconceived and pent up and half cocked, it's not gonna work. Just think about what those words Germany or Florida mean to you and then just let your spirit run free.

1:15:43 Michelle Branch That was beautiful.

1:15:51 Adam Six and a half. Six, then we got one more.

1:15:53 Michelle Branch I have a bad night, all right.

1:15:54 Adam You're doing great. Just one more, we're there, we're there. Here we go. All right, that's a keeper.

1:16:04 Michelle Branch I decide to rip myself off.

1:16:06 Adam You may have just toppled that.

1:16:07 Michelle Branch Yeah. Yeah. I'll be the first to admit those were damn lousy.

1:16:13 Adam Yeah, they sucked. They did.

1:16:14 Michelle Branch Please don't try to be nice by telling me they're decent.

1:16:17 Adam No, yours were good. No, I mean theirs sucked.

1:16:20 Michelle Branch Oh no, I thought mine were terrible.

1:16:21 Adam No, they weren't great, but they weren't terrible. They weren't ever solid.

1:16:25 Michelle Branch I don't like being put on the spot.

1:16:27 Adam It's tough.

1:16:27 Michelle Branch It's really tough.

1:16:29 Adam That's part of the business.

1:16:30 Michelle Branch Oh, I'll wake up tonight in the middle of the night and I'll go, I have the Germany and Florida theme song. I'm gonna try to mail it to you, call you guys up.

1:16:37 Adam That's what happened to Payne. She rolled over and told me, I knew this. Joey? All right, here we go, Germany or Florida.

1:16:48 Caller Okay, police who arrested a deaf suspect in a drugs raid found he had hidden wraps of heroin in his ears. The 33-year-old man was arrested after an anonymous tip-off that he was selling drugs. The police spokesman said he seemed nervous when he was being questioned, so the officers decided to bring him in for questioning. But by the time they reached the police station, he had become deaf. The police doctor examined him and found wraps of heroin were obstructing his hearing.

1:17:15 Adam Wraps?

1:17:16 Caller Wraps of heroin.

1:17:18 Drew Little like pellets.

1:17:20 Adam I don't know. So he made himself go deaf by shoving heroin into his ears?

1:17:25 Caller Yep.

1:17:26 Adam Who? Well, that's tough. This is tough.

1:17:29 Michelle Branch Germany or Florida.

1:17:34 Adam The kid from Small Wonder was singing that.

1:17:37 Michelle Branch Can you, can you, I had this idea for it.

1:17:40 Adam Yeah, see, there's a thing. Artistically, not every direction leads to a pot of gold. Sometimes we have to wake up. You gotta take risks, though. You took a risk, that's all right.

1:17:51 Drew So, Germany or Florida?

1:17:52 Adam Oh, okay. Wow, tough.

1:17:54 Drew Florida.

1:17:55 Adam Florida, yeah, I think Florida. Michelle, what do you think?

1:17:58 Michelle Branch I'm gonna go with Germany, actually, because I don't know if anyone from Florida would actually think about putting it in.

1:18:04 Drew Interesting. People aren't sophisticated enough in Florida.

1:18:07 Adam Yeah, and they're anal people, too. That'd be Keystone, Florida.

1:18:10 Drew That's true.

1:18:11 Adam What are we going with, Drew? Still with Florida?

1:18:13 Drew You know, I go with you, you're never wrong.

1:18:15 Adam All right, I'm going, I'm on a bad roll, though. I'm going Florida.

1:18:20 Caller Well, Michelle's right.

1:18:30 Adam Oh, man, I've really been on a skit. I've missed two or three out of the last five.

1:18:37 Drew This is the first one you've missed without me screwing you up, though.

1:18:39 Adam Yeah, yeah. Michelle, nice. You got a gift, you clearly have a gift. I mean, if you ever decide to give up singing, you could certainly just go on the Germany or Florida circuit. Maybe we'll do that. And probably make a decent living. Yeah, because this is gonna be big.

1:18:55 Michelle Branch That sounds exciting.

1:18:57 Adam You have a knack for it, for what it's worth. Allison? Is this Allison? Oh my God, we've been wanting to talk to you.

1:19:09 Caller Oh, I'm sure, for real.

1:19:10 Adam You guys are awesome.

1:19:12 Caller Michelle, your song, Are You Happy Now? It's so good. Anderson, I love your drops.

1:19:17 Adam What did you think of her Germany or Florida?

1:19:19 Caller It was last. Solid.

1:19:23 Michelle Branch Trying to be polite.

1:19:25 Caller No, it was cool. Still, Adam's is the best, so I gotta go with that.

1:19:30 Adam I'm a pro, you know.

1:19:32 Caller Whatever.

1:19:33 Caller Allison, what's going on there?

1:19:35 Caller Anyway, I wanted to let Drew know, I'm a big fan of talk radio and I was so disappointed today because I heard them all talking about the morning after pill and they were going on about how it was abortion pill and everything and I ended up, he's got me so fired up that I ended up calling one in and I'm like, it'd be such a shame if y'all got this like wrong and started thinking that because it would pretty much go to stop all that and I was spouting off all the stuff about, you know, preventing opulation and all that stuff instead of swap that.

1:20:05 Drew Did you bring them around?

1:20:07 Caller I think so. Actually, after I hung up, he went out like after the break, I guess he went and looked on this website and he was like, that was really against it and everything and he goes, yeah, well, the one thing that they don't say on here is that it's actually an abortion pill. And I'm like-

1:20:27 Drew They used to hide behind the theoretic mechanism of action being that it prevents an implanted egg, excuse me, a fertilized egg from implanting. And the reality is it has no higher probability or no more likely to function that way than the birth control pill you take before you have sex. Or for that matter, there are several anti-inflammatory agents that also can impair implantation. So my point has always been, my point has always been if they're gonna take issue with any product that interferes the implantation, they've gotta get rid of the COX-2 inhibitors, Vioxx, Celebrex, they've gotta get rid of all oral contraceptives and that's a viable position. If they wanna say like all oral contraceptives are bad because they might have a theoretic possibility of interfering with implantation, I cannot argue with that. But to take this product, the one that could actually eliminate abortion and pick on that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. It's a small percentage of its mechanism of action. Sperm sits in the floppy tubes for three days waiting for an egg and if you can prevent that egg from being dropped, you don't get pregnant and that's how this pill works.

1:21:30 Adam Yeah, well also and thanks for calling. Look, these posts are not any fans of human life. First off, most of these guys don't like blacks. These are racists. I mean, those are Bible thumping white people don't even really like other races. Secondly, they're all obviously capital punishment fans. But listen, I'm a capital punishment fan myself, but come on, which is it? How sacred can life be? And I know the argument and I know one person's innocent.

1:21:59 Drew There is no way that even the most staunch abortion activist should not be behind this product. It has the highest probability of taking that abortion.

1:22:10 Adam Let me explain why they're not behind it. A, activists, there you got. Now, here's the problem with activists. All the ones on the far left, the PETA's, these are a bunch of pussy retards. And the ones on the far right, the ones that are pro-lifers, pussy retards.

1:22:27 Drew Well, you said something the other night.

1:22:28 Adam The mental defect.

1:22:28 Drew People shouldn't have.

1:22:29 Adam It has nothing to do with what they're inactive about.

1:22:31 Drew You said people shouldn't have too much energy about anything.

1:22:33 Adam No, of course, you shouldn't care that much about any one thing. And any time you do care that much about any one thing, like you start crying thinking about kittens, then something's wrong with you. You got an emotional problem. So here's the thing. Don't look for ways to get rid of their being activists. They don't like that. You're threatening, you're effing with their ass.

1:22:53 Drew Their defense.

1:22:54 Adam Yeah, that's what they do. They chain themselves to trees. They throw a red dye on people that are wearing suede. They shoot abortion. They go hold hands out front of abortion clinics. You're screwing with their way of life. It's like their football team's leaving town.

1:23:11 Drew So you gotta give them something to feel activist about. So what do you do?

1:23:14 Adam Well, here's, no, they'll feel, here's what all they do. They just sort of ignore the truth and move on to whatever it is. That's it. Here, oh, hey, you guys are worried about abortion. Oh, here's a pill that'll substantially cut in. But not interested. We're interested, hey, hey, we're having a rally. You mind? Yeah, but we got this pill that's gonna, it's gonna see if you guys can break it up, put your signs back, go back to work. No, no, no, we got a meeting. We got a rally. I got a newsletter. I gotta do some IMing. Like I said, I gotta get on the internet and write a bunch of weird stuff. We're tracking a bunch of abortion doctors right now. We're giving out their home address. You understand, they're effed up. They're effed up people. This is what they do. It's not the cause, it's the journey, you see? And that's why you can never hang around with any of these a-holes. And the thing is, is they never admit they're just a-holes. And we never treat them like they're a-holes. We just sit there and respect them. Uh-huh, well, listen, okay, you're a very religious man. I respect your feelings. Now you're retarded. You a-holes who go up to the mountain and wait for the rapture. You polygamist with your 52 kids and your 28 wives and they're all sisters and you're getting a government subsidy, so you're criminal, a-hole, retard. You sort of cross, you're amalgamation of nuts and retarded and criminal and all that. And people should have no respect for these people. And it's the same with all the religious clergy, all these Hasidic Jews and these Arabs and the beards down to their goddamn waists, wearing their crazy hats and the payoffs. You're retards, get the hell out of here. What are we listening to you for? Oh, we have to respect. Oh, no. All cultures are about all beautiful. It's all beautiful. It's all beautiful. No bombing during Ramadan. No, no, no, it's beautiful. They're all beautiful. No, we have to respect. They have their beliefs. They have a bunch of retarded beliefs. Please, let's just move forward. Let's just move forward with sane people. Yes, Michelle.

1:25:09 Michelle Branch I like what you said though about too much of- Too much energy. It means something. It turns out to be just bad news.

1:25:19 Adam And you know, as a society, we respect it. We see a guy who's given his life to the church and we go, this is a man of strong convictions. This is a guy who couldn't get laid in high school and his kid brother put his pinky up his ass when he was 14 and it felt good and he freaked out. Now he's a man of the cloth. We gotta respect it. It's like these guys, any guys, guys in the NASCAR. Oh, I got the NASCAR jacket. I got the this, I got the that. I go to every race. I got every cup. I got everything. I got Dale Earnhardt Jr. tattooed on my ass. You're retarded. We don't respect you. You're an idiot. All of you with your crazy, little sprinkling of religion, fine. A sense of spirituality, fine. But don't start wearing the crappy garb out everywhere with your stupid big crucifixes swinging around your neck and your crazy Jew hats and your peos hanging around everywhere and you're stupid with your goddamn tunics and your clothes and your chicks and put the hat on and put the veil on.

1:26:22 Drew And the French today eliminated that in schools.

1:26:24 Adam Good, who are you retards kidding with all this nonsense?

1:26:27 Drew Images of external manifestation of their religion.

1:26:31 Adam Pack it in, you tards.

1:26:33 Drew Yeah, yeah, sure, yeah.

1:26:35 Adam Please, it's a society, let's just start turning on these people. You know what happens, by the way? What happens when you just turn your back and go, oh no, no, well just let Israel and the Arabs, let them just solve their differences. Really? Yeah, 10,000 years later, the tards are still blowing each other up. Idiots, idiots, just get everyone to go blow yourself up, you idiots. Have fun, yeah, see ya, see ya, go up with the virgins.

1:26:59 Caller That'll be funny.

1:27:01 Adam Have a good time up there, you idiots. Meanwhile, I'm going to drive one of my five cars home to my big house and beat off with some DVD porn, you idiots. All right, Michelle Branch here, we'll take a quick break. We'll be back.

1:27:17 Caller This is Loveline.

1:27:18 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:27:39 Adam I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, Michelle Branch in our studio tonight. Never met her before, but I find her to be delightful.

1:27:47 Michelle Branch Thank you.

1:27:49 Adam She's also, by the way, on the cover of this month's Maxim magazine. She'd be the one who has two tats and a half an ass, shall we? And that's a quarter boob. Quarter one boob, which is really eighth boob. You know what I mean, if you do the boob math.

1:28:06 Drew We're all doing it.

1:28:07 Adam Hey, have you done it? All right, it's good, it's very sexy, very nice spread. All right, where are we, Drew? Amy?

1:28:17 Hello.

1:28:17 Adam 26? What's up there, baby doll?

1:28:27 I was wondering if it just covered chemical dependency or if it had like a wide range of subjects that it covered and if it possibly would help me.

1:28:41 Caller What's your problem?

1:28:44 I guess I've just realized that then last year and a half or so that I have a problem like when I have trouble with anything, I kind of just push it all down instead of dealing with it. And so I've been kind of trying to deal with these things recently.

1:28:59 Adam It's mostly for people with insomnia.

1:29:01 Drew My book.

1:29:02 Adam If you have trouble sleeping.

1:29:03 Drew Yeah, thanks, Adam. This book is called Cracked. We're talking about here. And then I wrote the book as an exploration of boundaries really. And it's a giant metaphor for the experience of being a caretaker and being codependent and what people with histories of trauma and abuse become as patients and what they do to people that are trying to help them. Now through these stories, my hope is that you'll learn about being a trauma survivor and what that does to your personality structure and your relationships. And I try to weave that throughout the book. Adam would understand that if he'd read the goddamn thing.

1:29:35 Adam Well, there's no pictures. Let that be known right now. Nothing pops up, there's nothing.

1:29:41 Drew So my hope would be that you would learn what is sort of being trying to tell through these stories. But I'm interesting, I found that the American reader doesn't get that very easily. They need like have a self-help format to really get it.

1:29:54 Adam Now the American reader is not gonna get this. You gotta get this book in New Mexico. Those people can appreciate your work. It's gonna be translated to England. Oh yeah, I see. Oh, you got a problem with the Latino brothers? Interesting, sound like you did. Amy?

1:30:09 Caller Uh-huh.

1:30:09 Adam No, they're doers over there, they're not readers. No. Amy?

1:30:13 Caller Yeah.

1:30:14 Adam Yeah, well look, first off, here's the thing. Everyone wants to read one book and then be cured or do one thing and be cured.

1:30:19 Drew Yeah, it doesn't work like that, right.

1:30:20 Adam It's accumulation of things. It never hurts to read something.

1:30:24 Drew All therapies have an interpersonal component to them. So there's no book on Earth that's really gonna change your brain function. You have to do something with another human being to change.

1:30:34 Caller I don't expect it to heal me or anything, but just to kind of...

1:30:38 Adam All right, well look, what is it, 16 bucks?

1:30:41 Drew Yeah.

1:30:41 Adam Let's just go out and buy it, will you? Buy and read it.

1:30:44 Drew People stop buying it, by the way. We drifted on the Amazon scale.

1:30:47 Adam Oh, drift's heartbroken. Look, go out and get that cracked book. I hear it's delightful. I hear it's good. I don't wanna read it, Drew, cause I don't wanna get freaked out. Cause I hear it's weird, like, you know, you're talking about like flogging nurses with your penis and stuff.

1:31:03 Drew Yeah, no.

1:31:04 Adam No? Well, that's what I hear.

1:31:05 Drew Michelle, relax.

1:31:06 Adam I don't wanna read it. You know what I mean?

1:31:08 Drew Don't worry, you want, it's good. You don't have to not want to, you're in a corner.

1:31:11 Adam Michelle, is your dad gonna read this Maxim interview?

1:31:14 Michelle Branch I don't know.

1:31:16 Adam Is it stuff like where you go, like, I like a guy.

1:31:19 Michelle Branch Oh, really? Yeah.

1:31:21 Drew So Adam, we're too close, is what he's saying, Adam and I. And so he doesn't want to read anything I've written. It's just weird. Yeah.

1:31:28 Adam It's always weird. I find it intrusive.

1:31:29 Drew Yeah.

1:31:30 Adam Nick?

1:31:31 Yeah, how you guys doing?

1:31:32 Adam Good, you're 25, you have wet dreams?

1:31:35 Caller Yeah, I, every so often, like, I don't like jerking off all the time.

1:31:41 Adam Yeah, well, we got nothing else to talk about.

1:31:45 Drew You hate him.

1:31:45 Adam He makes me sick. Where's he living? Anchorage?

1:31:49 Drew Alaska.

1:31:50 Adam Yeah, he's lucky he's out in Alaska cause he was in the LA area.

1:31:53 Drew You go after him.

1:31:54 Adam Give him a good ass kick and I'll come after him tonight.

1:31:58 Drew Well, that's why he's having the wet dreams. If you wonder why he's having the wet dreams, that's why he's having the wet dreams cause he's not. If what he doesn't do for himself, God will do for him during the night.

1:32:05 Adam In Anchorage, though, it's more like a...

1:32:07 Drew You're closer to heaven.

1:32:09 Adam What, it's a jizzical or something. It comes out and you have to snap it off your penis and just throw it out. It comes out like a stalactite. You wake up welded to the bed. It's like you lick the flagpole in the middle of winter. You know what I mean? Oh, that's got to be rough in Alaska. It's a frozen pond on your bed.

1:32:27 Michelle Branch It's like that scene from A Christmas Story.

1:32:29 Adam Yeah.

1:32:31 Drew Which one?

1:32:32 Michelle Branch Where his tongue gets stuck in the pole.

1:32:33 Adam Yeah, that's what happens.

1:32:35 Drew Oh, I thought it was the ghost of.

1:32:37 Michelle Branch Or is that.

1:32:38 Drew Dreams of the past.

1:32:40 Adam That's, yeah, you're thinking of the Scrooge one. There's about 50, you know, I find that people get mixed up with those Christmas story, Christmas tale, winter, winter, Jeff, that, that, all right. Ready to take a break, Drew? It's time to take a break. Michelle Branch here tonight will say bye to her. We'll wrap up and wrap them after this.

1:33:01 Caller Okay, so I know there's nothing wrong with me. So what's up?

1:33:06 Drew Why can't I meet anybody? 877-889-DATE.

1:33:20 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:33:38 Drew I was wrong. Adam, as opposed to sinking and getting worse and re-incarcerating, is felt elated and relieved by having had his hernia reduced.

1:33:46 Adam I'm gonna start singing.

1:33:47 Drew You're breaking a song, yeah.

1:33:49 Adam Yes, I feel alive, Drew. And I'm forever indebted to you.

1:33:53 Drew Hernia of the musical, I love that.

1:33:55 Adam All right, well, that's the show. Michelle, God bless you.

1:33:59 Drew Thanks for having me on your show.

1:34:01 Adam You're a delight. You come back anytime you like.

1:34:04 Michelle Branch You'll be sorry you said that.

1:34:07 Adam Hotel Paper, name of the CD, go out and get that. Also, go out and get this month's Maxim magazine on newsstands as we speak. Michelle graces the cover. And until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying, mahalo.

1:34:22 Michelle Branch Germany or Florida.

1:34:28 Caller This has been LoveLine. The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for LoveLine is Annie Gold. LoveLine is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Wednesday, December 17, 2003