Episode 1000585534604

0:54 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually oriented content.

1:00 Voiceover Loveline with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

1:03 Voiceover Hey everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number, 1-800-LOVE-191. Dr. Drew, board-certified physician, addiction medicine specialist. Oh, baby. Cold is, really stepped it up.

1:17 Drew Yeah, it's nice because we're setting up all the intros and outros for the Best Of Show this week.

1:21 Adam Right.

1:22 Drew And so for the next two weeks, people are gonna hear you with this goddamn, I mean, it's bad enough, Adam, with that deviated septum. Why don't you get that thing fixed?

1:29 Adam Why? This is my bread and butter.

1:32 Drew Sounding like that?

1:33 Adam This is the goose that lays the golden eggs, Drew.

1:35 Drew Chris, give me like M&Ms or something. I want people to get a load of him eating in this condition.

1:39 Adam It's pretty, Yeah, well, listen, I should get my septum undeviated or something. It's horrible. I sleep my mouth wide open. I have my moths flying into my mouth. I get all dry. Wake up every morning. You know, I wake up, my tongue cleaves to the roof of my mouth when I get up in the morning. It's gotta be some, you know what, too? There's gotta be some sort of way to get water in your mouth in the middle of the night.

2:07 Drew A little sprayer.

2:08 Adam It never works out. It just, whatever it is, it ain't working.

2:11 Drew Yeah.

2:12 Adam But first off-

2:13 Drew Have you ever had a vaporizer go in your room?

2:14 Adam I have, but-

2:15 Drew Not a humidifier, a vaporizer.

2:17 Adam I have had a vaporizer go in my room. Here's the whole thing about the vaporizer. Vaporizers or humidifiers, whichever one they are, I've had them both, I think. You gotta fill them like every day and a half, and you'll just never do that. And it's always some weird shape that doesn't fit in the sink. You gotta do it in the tub. Then it's a weird thing where you gotta fill it to the top and then somehow flip it over and screw it on without anything getting on-

2:44 Drew Vaporizer basically makes your room so wet there's stuff drippin down the wall.

2:48 Adam I don't wanna be attacked by a gecko lizard and have a spider monkey banging over my head or anything. I'm gonna wake up in a rainforest. But I gotta get something. But here's the thing too. When you go to bed drunk as much as I do, you get that cotton mouth in the middle of the night too.

3:04 Drew Yes.

3:05 Adam And here's what-

3:06 Drew This would be a perfect reason for you to stop drinking so much at night. No.

3:10 Adam No. That's my medicine. But listen, I gotta work something out. But here's what I'm saying, Drew. So somebody call in and help me with this. I do that thing where I take the glass of water and you take the glass and you put it by the side of the bed. But it's dark and you're fumbling around and there's always a delightful assortment of other junk that's on the nightstand that falls over. What do I need?

3:35 Drew You need like thing with a cap that locks on in a straw. So you can kind of tip it towards you and just-

3:41 Adam Yeah, but I need more.

3:43 Drew The sippy cup like we use with the kids. Sippy cup.

3:45 Adam Yeah, for like the- For the four-year-old. For the kids or the seniors that had the stroke. Now, you know what I need? I need one of those things like to have in like NASCAR driving where there's actual like a long hose that goes into a little hopper and it's just set up there. Like, you know that thing, you know, like how quads propel their electric wheelchairs. Like Stephen Hawking's. Yeah, just sticking out and I could move the bat around. Come here, get a little sip off it.

4:14 Drew Yeah, that's it.

4:15 Adam All right, how am I gonna, I'm gonna work this out.

4:16 Drew You'll figure it out. You're a genius.

4:18 Adam And here's the other thing. Why does the water go stale when it's by the side of the bed? You know, the water, it's like, this water's no good. It's, oh, what is it, milk? It's just sitting in a goddamn cup.

4:30 Drew And it has a limit. I mean, the absolute value of it becoming bad is two days.

4:36 Adam Oh no, it's a night. It don't make it the next night.

4:38 Drew But at two days, it's like.

4:39 Adam Yeah, it's like what? Oh, the water, yeah, it's turned. It's gone bad. Water's rancid. What? Why isn't it bad in the pipe? Why isn't it bad in the reservoir?

4:47 Drew Where am I getting it from?

4:48 Adam It's not falling from the heavens into my plumbing. It's sitting in some tank somewhere, right? Yeah, yeah. All right, I gotta work this out. I would like a nightstand. All right, here's what I would like. I would like a nightstand that is set up like the center console on an SUV. You know what I mean? Cup holders, here's where you put your change.

5:08 Drew No, but it really should be like. It should be like. You know, like center. It's like something that NASA would use or an airplane, you know, 767 pilot. You want something that you can toss stuff into and it'll catch it and throw stuff back at you.

5:19 Adam If we don't have.

5:20 Drew You get to invent this thing, right?

5:22 Adam Yeah, I'm just saying I don't, I need, no.

5:27 Drew What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Really invent something fantastic.

5:31 Adam Oh, you're saying invent something.

5:33 Drew Yeah, well, I mean, it built off the model of the, of the, you know, the center divider of a SUV. All right, Drew, come on.

5:39 Adam Don't crap on my beautiful point. So the SUV center console, good enough. Good enough.

5:44 Drew All right.

5:48 Adam I need it. Yeah. Here's what I need. Custom vans, custom vans have that big hump that goes over the back of the engine in between the two front seats with all the stuff and the cool diamond shaped padding on it.

6:00 Drew Right.

6:00 Adam That's what I need. I need to whip something up.

6:02 I'm going to whip something up.

6:03 Drew That's what I'm saying.

6:04 Adam And there's going to be place in it for like a porn and a 44 pistol. I mean, it's going to have everything.

6:10 Drew You know, a big thing now, these big survival kits that like TV and radios and lights up.

6:15 Adam That's what this is going to have. Batteries and wind up radios, beans and can openers. Just, yeah, this is going to be good. Cause I've had an ass full of this stuff. And let me tell you this too. Use these nightstands. They're just flat and smooth. It's a little piece of furniture. I got a little of those foam, little earplugs I use. How many times do you think I'm fishing them out from behind the nightstand when they fall behind the curtain and they slide under the bed and stuff like, how many times are you going to set those little foam things on top of the thing and grab the cup in the middle of the night and throw the ice shade down and toss the keys and whatever. How long before I all that did, it needs a tray. Plus it needs a drain because it needs a place you can, you know, pinch. You got to heave or you got to take care of business or whatever. It's got to be a non-skid, durable.

7:08 Drew Self-flushing.

7:09 Adam It's got to be ranked. It's got to drain.

7:10 Drew All kinds of viscosities are going to end there. Yeah, yeah.

7:13 Adam Now this is getting better.

7:14 Drew And they're in volumes too.

7:15 Adam I'm making my own nights now.

7:16 Drew And it could catch your keys and things, the things that get, you know, things that get lost.

7:20 Adam It's got to have an edge on it, a little tray.

7:22 Drew You could funnel all that down into a tray too.

7:24 Adam Yeah.

7:24 Drew Separate it out.

7:25 Yeah.

7:26 Drew Get your coins.

7:26 Yeah, yeah.

7:28 Adam This is good. This is good, Drew. I'm working on this immediately. And not after the show, during the show.

7:33 Drew I can tell that. We've wasted half the show already.

7:35 Adam David?

7:36 Yeah.

7:37 Adam You're 16?

7:38 Caller Yeah.

7:39 Caller Hey, what's up? First off, like I wanted to say, you guys are like awesome. I listen to you guys like every night.

7:45 Adam Thanks.

7:46 Caller I have like, all right, yeah, 16. And like I've been with like three or four girls. And like whenever like I'm making out with them, or like I'm like hugging them or something like that. Like if like my penis is like, it's closed and everything, like I'm a virgin and everything. And like when it's up against them, like up against their body, like all like after like 10 or 15 seconds, like I ejaculate. I don't know a clue why. And like I'm like scared to get naked or anything.

8:16 Adam Your pants are still on?

8:17 Caller Yeah, yeah, I'm a virgin.

8:19 Drew It's just frotterism, he's just up against.

8:21 What do they call that?

8:22 Drew Frotterism.

8:23 Frotterism.

8:24 Adam Who said in a sentence?

8:27 Drew Standing in the crowd, his tendency towards frotterism led to him soiling himself.

8:34 Adam Is that the same as a frot?

8:37 Drew No, it's totally different.

8:39 Adam Hey David, you're a very frotteristic young lad.

8:46 Caller What does that mean?

8:47 Adam You're ruining your socks.

8:50 Drew I actually don't think that's what you have. What I'm referring to is something that people who really get into just rubbing up against somebody.

8:57 Adam Oh really?

8:58 Drew Yeah, that's what that is. But you just have a quick drama growl.

9:04 Adam Hey David.

9:06 Drew Yeah. I know this. Adam is very jealous.

9:09 Adam Really? Yeah.

9:10 Drew Think of him.

9:11 Adam I'm going to pull this off.

9:12 Drew Think of the money he will save.

9:14 Adam David.

9:15 Drew Yeah.

9:16 Adam You're not going to do a whole lot to correct this. I'll be honest with you.

9:20 Drew You're going to work with it.

9:21 Adam Well, here's what you're going to do. You're going to find a woman, an understanding woman, and you're going to work it out.

9:30 Drew You're going to work it out.

9:31 Adam Yeah. But you're not. Well, let's say we can, let's say we add 100% to your time before you climax.

9:39 Drew Or maybe.

9:39 Adam What are you up to? 20 seconds now?

9:41 Drew Maybe he learns how to go again or something.

9:44 Adam Here's what everyone needs to understand. You're pretty much how God made you. And God has a very cruel, sick sense of humor. If you're a guy with super skinny calves, you're not going to have big calves, you're never going to have muscular calves, you're never going to look right. You can do a bunch of exercises and make yourself look like a guy who doesn't work out. That may be the best you're going to do. And guys like this, that best he's going to do, it doesn't matter what he does, never really going to, not going to change that that much.

10:14 Drew There will be no ninja.

10:15 Adam No, but he can get with a girl and still have a good time and they can still work it out.

10:20 Drew Figure it out.

10:20 Adam But if he obsesses, ironically, about fixing this, now he's worthless. So there's a certain, there's a certain liberation to being effed up.

10:33 Drew You know, I mean, you just got to go to accepting your limitations.

10:36 Adam Yeah, there's, but in saying, look, this is how I am. I'm not really going to put a dent in it. I sure as hell can double down on the oral sex now, get a little better at that. And we can still work it out. Either way, I'm getting mine. Know what I'm saying? Maybe, maybe, maybe when I'm, you know, while we're eating, you know what I mean? It's got to be, I mean, there's, I mean.

10:56 Drew I thought you'd be very jealous.

10:57 Adam Well, I'll tell you why, because I know more guys. Strip club, right? Yes, more guys than you would know, Drew, actually have an orgasm in a strip club. I was shocked. You brought this up. Shocked and appalled.

11:13 Drew Many, many times.

11:14 Adam I was outraged.

11:16 Drew I can tell.

11:17 Outraged!

11:17 Drew On your mind, yes.

11:19 Sleeping at night with that mouth open.

11:21 Adam I was outraged, but I was secretly jealous and outraged at the same time. I realized that I know guys who go to a strip club and have three orgasms. Can you believe that?

11:35 Drew Well, first of all, you're missing out. And secondly, they want to go home after an hour, so you can you keep staying for me.

11:42 Adam It's the thousands of thousands of dollars. The money is the montage of the calendar pages blowing by the dollar bills. It's spit out of the ATM. Champagne glasses, toasting, seasons changing. Old man. Well, you know, going from young to old. And there's back to young again. Again, in the strip club. Yes, it never just keeps going. And again, the ATM with the money just just spraying out of it, praying. Meanwhile, these guys, yeah, they walk up. All right, let's go. Haven't finished my fresca. I'm ready to go. All right, now I'm really ready to go. Let's rock. Oh my God. I would love to talk to a stripper and find out what percentage of guys do this. It's shocking. Shocking to those of us who can't.

12:33 Drew It's gotta be under half.

12:34 Adam Oh yeah, it's well under half.

12:36 Drew 30%?

12:38 Adam I'd say it's more in the 10 to 15 range. But if you are that guy, why aren't you living at the strip club? Do you know what I mean?

12:47 Drew Why do you have a woman in your life?

12:49 Adam Why is she just like, I'm gonna swing by my way into work. See what time we gotta be at work, nine? Geez, Larry, it's 8.40. Yeah, just swinging. All right, going to work. Give me an OJ and a cup of coffee. And a breakfast croissant. We'll take it with me. On the way back from work, just to stop in, grab a light beer. All right, head home. That's it. That's right, you're having sex. You got a relationship. And you got like 30 girlfriends and a DJ. You know what I mean? A lot of guys have multiple girlfriends, but we don't have that fat DJ with the ponytail and the leather fanny pack. It's all safe. I guess it is. And then you start thinking, as you sit back on the sofa in the champagne room, I wonder how many guys can do this? I wonder how many of them have been sitting here? You know what I mean?

13:39 Drew When you obsess, how many is it happening to right now?

13:42 Adam I'm more like, how much mileage has been covered in this one stretch of sofa I'm stretching out on? See what I'm saying, Drew?

13:50 Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

13:53 Adam Nicole?

13:54 Yes.

13:55 Adam You're 20? What's up?

13:59 Caller Yes, I have genital warts and I was wondering, can you give them to somebody if you don't have a breakout?

14:06 Drew Absolutely.

14:07 Caller You can?

14:08 Drew Yes, you're not as contagious as if you have lots of warts present, but you can never tell when you are or are not. If you haven't had warts, if you haven't seen the warts for years and years and your pap smear has been completely clean, it's possible they burn themselves out, it's possible you're not contagious, but short of that, you gotta assume you're contagious.

14:28 Adam Don't they have any, is there no better way to test for these things than what they have?

14:34 Drew Not really.

14:35 Boy, they've gotta prioritize.

14:37 Caller Yeah, I've had them since I was 14.

14:40 Drew What happened at 14? What happened, so what happened at eight? What happened before the 14? What happened when you were like seven?

14:52 Caller Before I was 14, before I was raped, I was also raped when I was three.

14:58 Drew Three. Who raped you when you were three? I've never talked to a 14-year-old rape victim who hadn't first been sexually abused. I've not met that person.

15:09 Adam Yeah, who raped you when you were three?

15:12 Caller My mom's boyfriend.

15:13 Drew Mom's boyfriend.

15:14 Adam What a delight. I'd like to give your mom a nice swift boot and a vulva.

15:19 Caller I haven't seen my mom. I don't even remember her.

15:23 Adam Good. She's a witch. The only good thing, the only comfort that comes from this is knowing it happened to her. Unless I'm an atheist, what do I?

15:33 Drew Well, but explain that, spell that out, which is that if mom brought in an abuser of that caliber, it means she is attracted to those sort of abuser, which means she too was sexually abused as a child. Which is the great cycle of life.

15:47 Adam Yeah, that's right, Hakuna Matata. I want to do a Disney song about that. Hey, Nicole?

15:54 Caller Yeah.

15:55 Adam And then, now wait a minute, now have you gotten some therapy?

16:00 Caller My adopted mom tried to put me in therapy, but they sort of like locked me in a room and gave me like naked dolls and Play-Doh and they never talked to me.

16:09 Drew I'm sure that was your perception. That's not what happened.

16:12 Adam Yeah, and by the way, that is a kitty therapy. They give you clay and a sketch pad and they sit on little stuff and they tell you to do stuff.

16:21 Drew And they just sit there and watch you.

16:22 Adam Oh, what a gig. I got to get that child psychology, Drew.

16:25 Drew You like working with clay? Oh yeah, of course you're happy.

16:27 Adam No, no, not working with, just-

16:29 Drew Abusing kids?

16:30 Adam Just hammering checks, you know, 90 bucks an hour. Hey little Nate, come on in here. How old are you? I was seven. What happened? I was ritualistically abused by a biker gang. There's some clay. Why don't you get busy? I'm gonna go to the next room, I'm working on a thesis. And just go to the next room and just sort of read, like, I don't know, psychology today, and then I come back like 50 minutes later, let me see what you made there. Ooh, you made a very scary man. All right, I'm gonna need that, I'm gonna need $110. Ooh, I gotta recycle that. I got another kid coming in. Hey little Bobby, what happened to you? Ritualistically abused by a biker. Here's some clay. Oh, there's a charcoal pencil. Don't stab yourself with it. And there's a little mini, mini chair and table. Go get busy. Okay, I'm gonna head over here. I'll come back in like 20 minutes. Hey, how you doing? What you drawing? Stuff. I'll go back in the other room again. That's a good gig. You never know whenever it calls you out on it. You know what, being a child psychologist is like the tards that write the children's books. No one ever calls you out on it. It's for kids. You know what I mean? You see the kid's book. Hop on pop. Wow, this is genius. Really? You see, I hopped on pop. I wouldn't stop.

17:40 Drew You know, we had a huge discussion at the, in our run of chemical dependency, and all the staff were getting together and analyzing the poo characters, the one of the poo characters. And each of them have a diagnosable psychiatric condition. I mean, Eeyore is depressed. Piglet has an anxiety disorder. Tigger is bipolar manic.

17:59 Adam Well, his name rhymes with the N word, too. I mean, you'd be very upset if that was your name.

18:03 Drew And then he gets depressed when he loses his stripes. He gets in a depressed phase. And Owl's narcissistic. And everyone's got a kanga and roux or a very mesh symbiotic relationship.

18:13 Adam How old are you guys over there, Drew? What's going on?

18:16 Drew 12.

18:16 Adam The hell are you guys doing?

18:18 Drew Christmas.

18:19 Adam Are you on the clock?

18:19 Drew Christmas.

18:20 Adam All right, but listen, let me ask you this about child psychology. Do you doubt that I could go in and handle a couple of patients tomorrow without being detected? Yes, of course. How many kids books could I write tonight? 30? And all that kid stuff's great. It just get into it. I'm just saying, it's good money. No one ever says anything. And it sounds good, too. What do you do? I write children's books. Oh, that's great. What do you do? Child psychology. Wow, that's fantastic what you're doing. Who are we talking to, Drew?

18:50 Drew I don't know, but you hung up on them.

18:52 Adam Oh, really? All right. All right, so what should she do? Not get raped anymore?

18:57 Drew Yeah, and back to the therapy. She obviously has a lot of feelings about being in the room with somebody. But she needs to talk to somebody who has a history, who has expertise in dealing with trauma victims and get going so she can have her life and relationships back.

19:12 Adam Drew, do we, not that it hasn't happened or doesn't happen, but I get the feeling that you and I are one of the few people walking on the earth that understand that your average, you made the comment a few minutes ago, that the average 14, 15, 17-year-old who gets raped was raped at age five, six, seven, or eight.

19:32 Drew Yes, especially secret, doesn't tell anybody, I mean, that's guarantees it.

19:37 Adam As a society, it seems like we're completely unaware of that.

19:40 Drew Yes.

19:41 Adam Almost totally.

19:42 Drew I remember Dr. Mike I had up here.

19:44 Adam Yeah.

19:44 Drew I had that conversation with him today and I made this statement. I said, I've not met a 14-year-old rape victim that wasn't first sexually abused between six and eight. I've just not met that step. And he was like, wow, wow, wow. I said, just trust me, I've never seen it. Yeah. And that was another example of that.

19:58 Adam No, you want to hear something weird, I announced that today at work. Oh, and I don't know why. I don't know why. No, I didn't say 14. I think I said 15. But I said...

20:08 Drew 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 is a little different. But 14, you know, something about that age, there's vulnerability there.

20:12 Adam We don't... I haven't talked to a 15-year-old that wasn't raped at seven.

20:15 Drew Yeah.

20:16 Adam Or I don't think I said raped. I said sexually abused or something. But as a society, I don't think we really know that.

20:22 Drew Yeah, you were probably attacked for that. All those commies you work with.

20:25 Adam Those are pussies.

20:26 Drew Right?

20:27 Adam No, no, they weren't listening. But if they had, they'd been listening. There would have been attack. Here's the point. We don't know that as a society. And it's kind of an important thing to know because...

20:37 Drew That's how you treat these people. That's how you find out what's going on. Why they're such good victims.

20:41 Adam It's also a good way not to get someone raped.

20:42 Drew That's right. And to pick the people who are at risk for rape. The survivors of sexual abuse.

20:49 Adam We've now used the word rape 126 times and we're just a few days from Christmas, Drew.

20:54 Drew Well, happy to hear.

20:55 Adam Yeah, let's move forward. It takes eight cold pills a day.

20:59 Caller A rapist.

21:03 Adam Is that all you have from that, Anderson? Or do you have the whole thing? Because it always cracked me up.

21:08 Caller In order to reach these kids, Hack will have to become a rapist. A rapist.

21:19 Adam See, that's my new thing. I want to do the promos where this week on Hack in order for Hack...

21:25 Drew Only for Hack? Only for Hack?

21:28 Adam The handler will work nicely too. All right, let's try it this week. A Hack works about... A handler could work. This week on the handler, in order to catch an arsonist, the handler's gonna have to become a rapist. See how that works?

21:45 Drew Yes, yes.

21:45 Adam And it works for every crime. Every crime. You just end with rap.

21:49 Drew And it's evergreen, never gets old.

21:51 Adam Never gets old.

21:53 Drew All right. Let's take this call, huh?

21:55 Adam Let's take this call. Rape is not a sexual crime, though. It is not. It is not a sexual crime. You just come at the end. But it's not a sexual crime. It's no different than any other violent crime.

22:12 Drew A machete, a machine gun.

22:13 Adam If I took a-

22:14 Drew Banana fight.

22:15 Adam If I pistol whiffed you outside of the studio and took your wallet and then came, it would be no different than that violent act. Do you understand, Drew? It's no different than aggravated assault. Where you come? Mahicular manslaughter, if you came. Armed robbery, if you come. You see what I'm saying, Drew? It's a violent crime. It's not a sexual crime. That's what you- But you come. But you have to understand it's a crime of violence, not sex. It's where you come, okay? Please, I can't make that message strong enough, Drew. All right, you ready to move forward? Yeah. You understand? You understand if you were working at a convenience store.

23:01 Drew And a guy came in with a-

23:02 Adam And I came in. I came in. And you were behind the counter.

23:05 Drew Yeah.

23:05 Adam And I jumped over the counter. And I smacked you in the head with a blunt object. Blunt force trauma to the head. And knocked you out and cleaned out the cashier and then came. It would be no different than that.

23:19 Drew But it's a little different though.

23:20 Adam No.

23:20 Drew Where would you come?

23:23 Adam In the register. In the chain store, obviously. Not where the bills are.

23:27 Drew We'd have to be on the purr in the purr.

23:29 Adam It'd be in you.

23:31 But not sexual.

23:36 Adam That's how I start trying to get the beating off into that. I'm just physically assaulting my penis. It's not a sexual thing.

23:42 Drew It's a violent act.

23:43 Adam It's a violent act. My hand is turned on my penis. It's attacked my penis. And I come, but it's not a sexual act. You understand? It's a violent act. Let's take a break here, Drew. Is it hot in here?

23:58 Drew Yes, all of a sudden.

23:59 Adam All right, we'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

24:03 Caller Hello, this is your radio.

24:13 Adam I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. You know what I was thinking about when I was hocking up an oyster in the bathroom was Christmas parties. Cranky anchors. We're having our Christmas party tonight.

24:28 Drew I was invited.

24:29 Adam Yeah. Well, it starts at nine and it ends at midnight. We had to come in early tonight to do a little something something for the best of. Yeah. Now I'm an executive producer of the show. I guess who pays for the party?

24:40 Drew Yeah. Have you made any of these parties? Any of the parties?

24:43 Adam No, I've made many parties. But here's the point. Tonight, as we sit here, $1,400.

24:49 Drew You out of your pocket.

24:50 Adam Out of my pocket. Yeah, so everyone drink up and enjoy. 1,400 goddamn bucks. That's, let me tell you something. You know, my sister's wedding probably ran about 400 bucks. Knowing my family. It was at my grandparents' house.

25:07 Drew Plastic.

25:09 Adam Yeah.

25:11 Drew Plastic utensils.

25:13 Adam Plastic. Yeah, my grandmother was telling me about it. She said, well, the groom, Christoph, was getting very, my brother-in-law was getting very demanding. And at one point when he wanted metal utensils instead of plastic, that's where I had to draw the line. And I thought, oh yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah.

25:34 Drew Is your grandmother saying that?

25:35 Adam I mean, he doesn't want to use a spork on his wedding day, you crazy old woman. You're right. What a wild extravagance. Actual utensils made out of metal.

25:49 Are you high?

25:51 Adam These are the Corollas, everybody. Well, by the way, wedding day, your wife, I was going to say an ice sculpture, the size of the Empire State Building.

25:59 Drew Your wife, at the concert we were at last weekend, filled my head full of ideas about how similar you and your grandmother in fact are. Yeah. And your buddy Don sat there and went, oh yes, oh yes. Same person, same person.

26:13 Adam Yeah, except for, I spent $1400 on a Christmas party.

26:17 Drew I did not attend. And complained like a mother effer about it.

26:19 Adam What?

26:20 Drew What, what?

26:21 Adam Please, how dare you? How dare all of you?

26:28 Drew And your wife was loaded too. I mean, this is a loose tongue. She was like, she was letting it all out.

26:32 Adam Yeah. She got no problem chopping me down. No problem.

26:36 Drew That's good, that's great, that's very funny.

26:37 Adam Yeah, keep it up everybody. Sean?

26:41 Caller Yeah.

26:42 Adam 14?

26:43 Caller Yeah. By the way, I love you guys.

26:45 Adam I love you. You know, you're age 14?

26:48 Caller Yeah.

26:48 Adam Reminds me of the $1,400 I shelled out tonight for Chris's party. Hey Sean, you're 14 years old. Could you imagine, give me the wildest scenario that you'd shell out $1,400 for a party that you didn't show up at. Could you imagine?

27:05 Drew Yeah, inconceivable.

27:06 Adam Out of the realm, out of the spectrum of possibilities for you, you can't even think about that, can you?

27:12 Funeral. Yeah.

27:14 Drew Yeah, your own funeral. Yeah, that'd be the only one. Oh, I got Sean.

27:17 Quick.

27:18 Adam Smart.

27:18 Drew Well done.

27:19 Adam Hey, Adam. What's up?

27:20 Just curious, how much do you think you're making tonight just for this show, though?

27:23 Adam Just curious. This particular show?

27:25 Caller Yeah, have you ever done the math?

27:29 Adam Uh, no, uh, yeah, I have, I could do the math. What, 20, what do we do, 20 shows a month?

27:38 Caller About that, yeah.

27:38 Drew About 200 a year.

27:40 Adam What, about 200, oh.

27:42 Caller No, no, no, that's not right. Yeah, yeah, that's right.

27:44 Drew About 220 a year.

27:45 Adam 200 a year?

27:46 Caller I'd say 220 with the best ofs and what not.

27:49 Drew Yeah, we take about 20 off.

27:51 Adam We take about 20 off? Drew, you take like 80 off going to different colleges around the country. So we make like, uh.

27:56 Drew Chris, stop laughing at his stuff.

27:58 Adam For, uh.

27:59 Drew He's starting to, he's starting to saddle up to you a little bit.

28:02 Adam Yeah, yeah. Listen, Chris knows where his bread is buttered. That's, uh, engineer Chris. We make like four grand a show, something like that. Maybe more, 4500 bucks a show. Yeah, but yeah, after, uh, after I get done paying for everyone's kids to go to school and garbage man and stuff like that, you see about half of that. Then you got your agents and managers and, uh, all that. Now I might be breaking even tonight.

28:26 Drew That's right.

28:28 Adam It's a, it's a posh, but I don't get anything to drink. What's happening?

28:32 Drew No, but you will.

28:33 Adam Oh, but I will. Sean.

28:34 Caller Yeah. All right. Uh, my question is, uh, there's this, uh, cough and cold medicine, uh, it's a pill. Coracidin.

28:43 Drew Coracidin, yeah.

28:44 Caller Yeah. And, uh, if you take...

28:46 Drew That's, that's, that's DXM. It's dextromethorphan you're taking.

28:49 Caller Yeah. And I, I've noticed it, all right. I've heard that, uh, and I've experienced that if you take about eight, you get a really good high off of it. And I'm wondering why that is.

29:02 Drew It, it has some PCP qualities to it and some methadone qualities to it at high doses. And it's a dissociative, basic anesthetic. It is very dangerous and clearly, clearly damaging to your brain. If you, if you look at, if you look at the websites out there, I did this, I did a piece on this for Good Morning America about a year ago, and I looked at all the websites that were out there glorifying this and even the ones, the ones that were scientific and still trying to defend it had to ultimately admit that it didn't look good. Didn't look good. It's dangerous. But good times.

29:36 Adam It's good times. It's good times.

29:39 All right.

29:40 Adam Don't do it anymore.

29:43 Caller So long-term effects, honey?

29:44 Drew Yes. Brain damage. Yeah, depression, mood disturbances. But, you know, I had another meeting this week with a psychiatrist and a researcher, and we were talking about manic depression, how much of it we're seeing these days. And one of the theories that one of these researchers proposes-

29:59 Adam Child psychologists?

30:00 Drew How'd you know that?

30:01 Adam People aren't playing with clay enough?

30:04 Drew He had some play-doh with him.

30:05 Adam People are not making crap out of clay.

30:08 Drew But we were saying that there's some theories, some believe that all these use of serotonin reuptake inhibitors might be inducing bipolarity, the antidepressants in kids. And I can tell you for sure, the drug addiction, the drugs of abuse are inducing bipolar. I see that all the time.

30:23 Adam It's so hard to chart these kinds of things, though, isn't it?

30:27 Drew Well, it's hard, yeah.

30:28 Adam But we're getting to a place where a few years from now, we'll have some records. Yeah.

30:33 Drew And let me, and as someone who's seeing it evolve in real time, let me assure you, it's happening.

30:39 Adam Let me say this quickly, oh, screw it. Let's keep going.

30:44 Drew That's good.

30:46 Adam Ah, I just think, you know, I was thinking, we're talking about how much money we make a show. And, you know, I'll tell you one thing, I can't stand. And go ahead, everyone try it. Listen to your favorite morning show. Call them up and ask them to ask them to tell you how much they make a year. See if they tell you, you'll never ever hear it. Or ask them how much they made to do a commercial or a spot or appearance, but they'll never ever do it.

31:07 Drew The morning show thing particularly, you have mentioned why they wouldn't want to talk about it.

31:12 Adam And they don't, because they want you to think they're one of, you're one of them.

31:16 Drew And that A and B, when you find out.

31:19 Adam You're pissed. Yeah, you're like, these guys aren't that funny. What, three million bucks a year? You kidding? They're not that funny. That's how it works.

31:27 Drew Because in your head, you're thinking a lot of money, it must make 80, 90 grand a year.

31:31 Adam I just, no, most people think these guys have second jobs. Like, hey, they only work from 6 a.m. to 10 a.m. That's four hours. They probably have some sort of part-time gig at a, maybe they work, they probably work somewhere. They work at a bookstore, or a surf shop, or something like that. They work at an Apple Center from noon to five every day, or something like that. Are you high? These guys make tons and tons of money. But here's the thing, they'll never say it, and they always pretend like they don't. But that's what I like. I like it when Letterman gets up there and says to Al Roker, well, if I was making your kind of bucks, I could do it. Yeah, really? 30 million a year you're making. Not enough? Can't make it on the 500 grand a week you're pulling in? Not gonna be able to afford that jag? Really? What is that? And it's an insecurity. And also, there's this thing about the showbiz, like, hey, you never talk about how much money you made. You'll alienate your audience. Screw the audience. What do you mean we're showbiz? You're supposed to be making money.

32:33 Caller What? You're showbizness. You got five shows supposed to be rich.

32:38 Adam What are you talking about? What do you think? What are you making? What are you making? What a garbage man or substitute school teacher makes? No. You got a lot of money. All these guys do. All these syndicated radio show hosts, these guys are making millions of dollars a year. It's not even close. You guys make 40 grand a year, 50 grand a year, but you know a guy who makes 80 grand a year and you think he's doing good? These guys make millions. But they're one of you. And they can't afford this and that. Please give me a break. These guys are so full of crap. Listen, if you're in show business, fine. You make money, you make money. People say to me, well, how much did you make for that commercial with the Burger King?

33:19 Caller 450 grand.

33:21 Adam How much you make for that, whatever, that other phone thing? How much did I make for that? Like 350 or something.

33:28 Drew How much did you make for Crank Yankers?

33:29 Adam I make like 18 grand a week. No, no. Wow. No, like 16. Something like that.

33:35 Drew During production.

33:36 Adam Yeah, not when it's-

33:37 Drew It's like nine weeks production, something like eight weeks?

33:43 Adam Oh, but wait a minute. First off-

33:46 Drew You have to work, though. I mean, you're working.

33:47 Adam No, no, no, it doesn't work. But here's the thing.

33:50 Caller First, you're tacked.

33:51 Adam Just whack everything in half and then start whacking it again.

33:55 Drew Well, before you whack it in half, you hand over a bunch of stuff.

33:58 Adam No, listen, listen.

33:59 Drew No, I beg your pardon. You whack in half and then you hand over some money. Because you vomit.

34:03 Adam You vomit. You guys would all physically get ill if you knew how little of that you ever bring home. But just the point is, and listen, you gotta strike deals, you gotta invent stuff, you gotta do this and you gotta do that. You gotta get in with that Kimmel, too. That guy's a golden goose. But here's the point. I'm just tired of people who are in show business pretending, like I said, Letterman, who makes like 30 million a year, saying to gas, well, I can't afford that. Please, let's just stop it, everyone. And especially, I just love to hear a morning show guy go ahead and admit. Yeah, go ahead and say, make 1.8 million dollars a year or 3 million dollars a year.

34:37 Drew You're bringing up something that's sort of a sore point for me, too, which is I hate the BS that's in media. I sort of focus on journalism and news and all the BS, the things that pass is true. They're just BS.

34:46 Adam Yeah, just look, look. If you're growing weed and you don't want the IRS to find out about your money, fine. It's one thing, but if you're just paying them, go ahead. You know, when we get these idiots on here who are supposed to do Playboy and I ask them what did Playboy offer, I can't talk about it. I go, why? What's wrong? Well, it's not for the money.

35:06 Caller Oh, really?

35:06 Adam Would you do it for free? You whores, please. Tired of all these skanks.

35:12 Caller What's that name?

35:13 Adam What's that chick's name? Jerry from Survivor? Oh, that coups.

35:16 Caller Good riddance.

35:17 Adam Actress, actress. Oh, she's a great actress. I remember she came in here and I was like, hey, you better get on that Playboy thing. You know, you got to strike while the iron's hot. And she was like, what do you mean? I was like, well, they're coming at you now because you're on Survivor. Oh no, they were like, it had nothing to do with Survivor.

35:32 Drew Isn't that weird?

35:32 Adam Yeah, and it's like, well, what are you doing then? You got to get on this, you know? You get some money out of them before the new Survivor comes out. Oh no, I've been an actress all, yeah, yeah, yeah, all right. It's great, I'm sure, yeah.

35:44 Drew Well, she's, I see her name on marquees all the time.

35:47 Adam She's huge, she's all over Broadway. Huge, huge talent, bona fide talent.

35:52 Drew It's got kind of, that's, I actually am saddened by all that reality stuff. I mean, I was involved with that Big Brother one thing. I saw some people's lives sort of destroyed. And the point is- People don't even remember who the hell that was.

36:03 Adam Here's the point, I'm making the big bucks. That's the important thing.

36:08 Caller All right, you ready to go here Drew?

36:09 Adam That's important. Yeah, because here's where I get the big bucks because I rip off ideas like Germany or Florida.

36:15 Drew From shows that you work on.

36:17 Adam Yeah, yeah.

36:17 Drew It's good.

36:18 Caller Yeah.

36:19 Adam Natalie?

36:20 Caller Yeah.

36:20 Drew And everyone knows how you got here. Yeah, so you knew somebody.

36:24 Adam I knew the head of-

36:25 Drew And now no one can fire you.

36:25 Adam I knew the head of radio. All right, what's up Natalie? Yeah.

36:32 Drew We need it, we need it. Here.

36:36 Adam Yeah, it was Michelle Branch, right?

36:39 Drew Yeah.

36:39 Adam Go ahead, Natalie.

36:40 Okay, there are Holocaust museums in both Germany and Florida. One of them is-

36:46 Adam Hold on, but the Florida one is pro-Holocaust. That's what they don't tell you.

36:51 Drew Yeah.

36:52 Adam It's-

36:53 Well, also you have a monument.

36:54 Drew You have to have a swastika tattoo to get in.

36:56 Adam Well, there is a discount. Seniors and guys with the swastika tats on their foreheads. All right, Natalie, yes.

37:04 Okay, one of them is building a memorial honoring homosexual concentration camp victims, which Germany or Florida.

37:13 Drew It's hard.

37:15 Adam Wow, because Florida-

37:17 Drew That would be a Floridian impulse.

37:19 Adam Yeah.

37:20 Drew But Germans are much more sort of into that stuff.

37:23 Adam Steeped in that Holocaust.

37:24 Drew And sexual stuff too. You know what I mean?

37:27 Adam Well, but here's the thing. The Germany has to keep, and by the way, they're overdue for a bombing.

37:33 Drew So you keep saying-

37:34 Adam It's been like 55, 58 years. Oh yes. Oh yes, we gotta hit Germany again. We gotta hit them. We gotta hit Germany. And Japan too, by the way. They get hit again too, because they were tossing things at the Enola Gay when it was at the Smithsonian Space Museum. Yeah, the best, the greatest favor, wherever did you idiots, was dropping that atomic bomb on you guys, please. They would have been fighting with kitchen knives. They would have lost millions. They're already doing those human waves and kamikaze attacks. Are you kidding me? Best thing we ever did for that country. But anyway.

38:09 Drew Do you mean waves?

38:10 Adam Well, the Japanese soldiers would do it too, the bonsai. What do you think a bonsai is? You think that's a miniature tree?

38:19 Drew I did, yeah.

38:21 Adam Well, it is, yeah, it is. But it's also the bonsai attack, just waves of guys wearing diapers just running at you. I don't know why they wore diapers, but all that, you know, not-

38:30 Drew Save the clothing, they weren't gonna be using it after the bonsai.

38:33 Adam Iwo Jima and all that stuff, just waves of guys running, just screaming with swords and stuff, just getting mowed over, just thousands. If we would attack the mainland of Japan, it was just millions of people would have been dead. Them mostly, I mean, a lot of American casualties, but just millions of them killed, as it is. 50,000 or something got killed, all right, that's more. Hey, shouldn't have bombed Pearl Harbor, by the way. Hey, there you go, lesson learned, yes? Okay, good, maybe next time, you don't bomb Pearl Harbor. Yeah. Let me say this too, because no, no, no, I'm fired up now. Yeah. We're all worried about what we're gonna do with Saddam, we're cheating Saddam, okay, and oh, we're gonna throw some paint on the Enola Gay, because what do you think those Japanese would have done if they got hold of the atomic bomb? Perhaps dropped it on New York and Los Angeles? Maybe somewhere in Houston or Chicago? Yeah, of course they would have. Of course, the second they had it, they would have done it, a second. And what do you think the Iraqis would be doing if they had old George Bush, just had him as a prisoner? What do you think they'd be doing with him? Clown makeup on, stick up his ass, dragging him up and down the street? What do you think, Drew?

39:45 Drew I think that would be about right.

39:47 Adam Not giving him a clean shave and keeping his dignity? No. All right, just keep that in mind.

39:59 Drew Thank you.

39:59 Adam Screw Japan.

40:00 Drew All right, come on.

40:00 Caller Germany or Florida?

40:02 Drew All right, Germany.

40:05 Adam I'm going Germany too.

40:07 Drew It's Germany.

40:08 Adam Yeah. Well, it's a Holocaust one, it seems easy, but it could be a twist.

40:15 Drew Well, it could be a twist, but now that you, in retrospect, she set it up so carefully. Both of them have Holocaust museums. Yes.

40:22 Adam All right. Well, we won that round. Yeah. For a change. Let's take a quick break, Drew. We're gonna take some calls when we come back. Tired of your rant after this. Loveline. Yep, it's the Loveline, everybody. As you know, I'm literally a millionaire, but still, that $1,400 Christmas party I paid for tonight, and I didn't pay for it solo. Jimmy and Daniel.

41:01 Drew But you each pitch in 1,400, right?

41:03 Adam Yeah, but they might be there.

41:05 Drew Oh, of course.

41:06 Adam They are there.

41:06 Drew Daniel's gonna consume $1,400 alcohol.

41:09 Adam Yeah, Daniel's gonna drink 1,600 bucks, and he's gonna rack that up at the bar alone. Oh, that's not even appetizers. He'll eat at least $1,100 worth of stuffed mushroom heads.

41:26 Drew How is he maintaining all this with his current employment status? No problem?

41:32 Yeah, that's the beauty of this business.

41:33 Drew That's amazing.

41:34 Adam Cut you loose, you still get paid.

41:37 Caller Oh, really? Oh, my God.

41:45 Adam That's my dream. You get a big contract and then you can.

41:49 Drew You've been living in that dream.

41:50 Adam Yeah, yeah, it's my dream. Hey, Joey?

41:55 Caller Yeah.

41:56 Adam You want to know if you can get STD from giving oral sex?

41:59 Caller Yes.

42:00 Adam To a girl?

42:02 Drew Yes, you can. Yes, you can. She can get it from you, too.

42:06 Adam What can you get?

42:07 Drew Same, everything.

42:08 Adam Yeah, I know, just quiet down. The main thing, you're not going to get A.

42:11 Drew The main thing, no, you're probably not going to get A. You're probably not going to get hepatitis C. Could get hepatitis B. Herpes, easy.

42:18 Adam Easy herpes.

42:19 Caller What if she was a virgin?

42:21 Adam Then definitely herpes.

42:22 Drew Then you could give her herpes.

42:24 Adam Listen. Are you serious? Hold on, all my young tardies out there, you cannot create a venereal disease between two people that have never been exposed to venereal disease.

42:35 Drew Although most people have a herpetic history in their mouth. They have little canker shorts or something. So it's possible you could transmit that to the vagina.

42:43 Yeah. Alright.

42:45 Drew Not likely.

42:46 Alright.

42:47 Adam So listen, Joey.

42:51 Yeah.

42:51 Caller Yeah.

42:52 Adam Yes. She's a virgin. Your virgin as well or not.

42:58 Caller Well, not until that night.

43:01 Drew Oh, that's a nice twist. Yes, your honor.

43:05 Adam You're fine. Is she your girlfriend?

43:08 Caller No.

43:08 This is just like a one night.

43:11 Adam You take someone's virginity and that's it?

43:13 Caller No, she's a friend.

43:14 We just got a little out of hand that night.

43:17 Adam But she likes you, right, Joey?

43:19 Drew Of course.

43:19 I guess.

43:21 Drew Oh, boy.

43:22 Adam Because your name's Joey. Chicks love a guy.

43:23 No, it's not my name.

43:24 Caller I just said that so people don't...

43:26 Drew That's why he's not answering.

43:26 Adam They love a guy with a fake name of Joey.

43:28 Caller I was going to say Johnny, but...

43:31 Adam It would do you right to change your name to Joey full time, you get more chicks that way. Yeah. As opposed to Adam.

43:39 Caller But, so...

43:40 Adam Right down there with Brad in terms of its drawing ability.

43:44 Caller Everybody gets those hepatitis B shots and everything, right? Does that help?

43:49 Drew Oh, Joey. You shouldn't be having sex with anybody. Look.

43:52 Adam Who gets the hepatitis B shots?

43:54 Drew Most people do. They give to kids now.

43:55 They do?

43:56 Drew They start early.

43:56 Yeah.

43:57 Caller Well.

43:58 Drew Yeah. So you're protected against that. But she's a virgin. She doesn't have anything.

44:02 Caller Yes.

44:03 Drew She needs to be afraid of you.

44:05 Adam I can see Joey, Joey going in and like buying a new car and them going, do you have an extended use car warranty? This car is new. I see. Do you guys clean the interior? Do you do reconditioning? The car is new. Do you do some sort of 90 point safety check inspection?

44:21 Drew Is it having accidents?

44:23 Adam The car is new. And it's a salvage, the car just got off the boat. All right, just how many miles on it? New car.

44:31 Drew And if you're worried that she has some sort of hidden...

44:33 Adam New vagina...

44:34 Drew .medical problem, if she's not an IV drug user, not sexually active, you're pretty good shit.

44:41 Adam I would like one day to not only pop a Hymen, but actually pull the plastic off the vagina, unwrap one. You know what I mean? Uh-huh.

44:51 Caller Mm-hmm.

44:52 Drew All right.

44:53 Caller You write a rock here, Drew?

44:55 Adam I like when you get that new car and you get that paper floor mat with the two prints where the feet go.

45:00 Drew Yeah, well, they do that. The BMW guys do that every time we take it in.

45:02 Adam It's a service place. I like the two footprints, as if what are you going to do, put them behind your ears, otherwise? You need that kind of cue? Ah, yeah, it's feet here. What about something on the steering wheel with a picture of my hand?

45:17 Drew Yeah. Eyes here? Eyes?

45:18 Adam Yeah. Zach? You're 14. What's up?

45:24 Caller Hey, I got a resolution for your cotton mouth, man.

45:27 Adam Yeah. What is it?

45:28 Caller Have you ever heard of a camelback?

45:30 Adam Camelback? That's when the chicks wear the really tight jeans.

45:34 Caller No, it's camel toe.

45:35 Adam Oh.

45:36 Caller Yeah, I don't know.

45:37 Adam Yeah.

45:37 Caller It's like a backpack, but it's got a plastic bag in it.

45:41 Adam Uh-huh.

45:41 Caller You can put liquids in it and stuff.

45:43 Drew What in it? Liquids. Liquids are high.

45:45 Adam Uh-huh.

45:46 Caller I mean, it's got a tube that you just stick in your mouth and it doesn't leak until you bite it.

45:51 Adam Oh. And what do you use it for, like mountain bike riding or something like that?

45:56 Caller Yeah, stuff like that. I mean, you can even put beer in it, dude. Hi.

46:01 Adam That's what I need. I don't pass out drunk to get myself more loaded. Now I can really wet myself. Hey, that's good. Where do you get those things, like those kind of sporting goods stores? Yeah. I could look into this. I'd put it on the nightstand because I don't want to be like a fighter pilot every night.

46:17 Drew No, no. I think you got to get like a big headboard and then hook it up to the headboard for you on the bed.

46:22 Adam And just have the tube. You know, I'm going to end up choking on the tube. What happened? He's just saying to my wife, don't go in there, the cops. Don't go in there. Auto erotic asphyxiation using the camelback tube. Don't go in there. You don't want to remember him that way. It's a close gasket. All right, we're going to take ourselves a break. We'll be right back.

46:45 Caller All right, guys.

46:46 Caller Bottom line, here's the deal.

46:48 Caller Looking to hook up. Sick of wasting time with the wrong person.

46:51 Caller One call is all you need to make.

46:52 Caller Call the Dateline. 877-889-DATE.

47:00 Caller Loveline with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

47:02 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

47:05 Caller You can put me right back.

47:38 Hey, everybody, it's Loveline.

47:42 Adam Phone number, 1-800-LOVE-191.

47:45 Drew Hey, do we have any guests next week? How about that? She's coming in here. Just thought that'd be interesting if people would come in here around Christmas time. It's good.

47:54 Adam Yeah, Tony?

47:56 Caller Hello?

47:56 Adam You're 15? What's up there, buckaroo?

48:01 Caller Well, sometimes I can't quit from jerking off.

48:03 Yeah, yeah, you're preaching to the corner.

48:07 Caller I'm like at school and I'm like doing an assignment or something. I like get on the net and I see a porn link and I don't even realize it and I'm clicking on it.

48:14 Caller Pretty soon I'm just like rubbing on the outs of my pants.

48:18 Drew My bogus.

48:19 Adam Bogus.

48:20 Yeah.

48:20 Adam Bogus.

48:21 Drew Nice try there, Tony.

48:23 Sorry, Tardo.

48:25 Drew And he used the S-pop too.

48:26 Did he drop the S-pop?

48:27 Yeah. All right, I'll put him on hold.

48:31 Adam Like the L-one for just one second, though, Drew. Tony. Yes.

48:38 You're full of crap, you little prick. Who are you kidding?

48:41 Adam How dare you call the show and waste our time?

48:44 Caller You got another question, Wendell? Bring it on! Yeah.

48:53 Drew Those were the drill sergeants from the show.

48:56 Adam We'll see you in hell, Tony.

48:58 Drew Oh my God. All right, bye, Tony. Hey, Christopher Titus. I was just thinking about him the other day. He's coming back.

49:03 Adam Dreyce is coming on. Band called No Guest and Fall By Off. Another good band.

49:09 Drew Your favorite.

49:11 Adam So Titus is Sunday.

49:13 Drew Is he promoting something now or what's he got? New Year's Eve show. New Year's Eve show.

49:19 Adam Good guy and he's a car guy, too. Oh yeah. Even if he likes his crappy American cars. Yeah, but he goes crazy with them. Yeah. Where are we going here, Drusha?

49:29 Drew Krista.

49:33 Caller Krista? Yeah.

49:36 Adam 24?

49:37 Yes.

49:38 Adam You faked your orgasms for the last five years?

49:44 I'm just kinda, I don't know what to say about it. I guess, he's my husband now. We've been married for two months and I've been faking it with him since forever. And I've always faked it with every guy I've ever been with. Smooth. And I'm wondering if I, I don't know, do I tell him or not? And I mean, I think it's my problem. I don't think it's his problem. I don't know.

50:13 Adam Well, hold on, hold on one second. First off, God bless you for faking it. Here's the thing with faking it. Faking it's great. The only problem is, is each time the chick fakes it, she gets a little more angry at the guy.

50:23 Drew Resentment, yeah.

50:23 Adam You're resentful. Now, Chris, it doesn't really sound this way.

50:26 Drew No, it'll happen though.

50:28 Adam Very rare. And then it puts a guy in a horrible and an unfair position, which is, he doesn't know you're faking it. He thinks you're having the time of your life. Meanwhile, you're getting more and more, it's ratcheting up. You're getting more and more resentful.

50:39 Drew Why doesn't he know that I'm not satisfied?

50:42 Right, now let me ask you this.

50:44 Adam I've never faked an orgasm, but I-

50:48 Drew If you could.

50:49 Adam Well, you know what I would liken it to? Like, there's been times I've been, I've got, guys have attempted to hypnotize me and it never works. But if I close my eyes and try to be quiet long enough and try to convince myself that I'm hypnotized, it almost sort of almost sort of half feels like, like you are. You almost have that experience.

51:10 Drew You want to convince her that her fake orgasms can become real?

51:13 Adam Drew, hypnotherapy.

51:14 I see, I see.

51:16 Adam No, I'm asking you, Krista, is it just an out and out fake or is it you're sort of caught halfway between? It feels good. You're clearly not the only one.

51:27 Drew And you're saying this because she's not resentful enough.

51:30 I just, yeah. It feels good. It really does feel good. But I mean, I can have an orgasm by myself, but it still feels good. And I still love it because, you know, I love him and it feels good, but I never reached that point.

51:46 Adam I'm just saying at the part where you're actually faking the orgasm, is it easier to do because you're sort of halfway there?

51:57 No.

51:59 All right.

52:00 Adam So you could do it. You could do it right now, for instance.

52:04 Oh really?

52:05 Yeah.

52:05 Adam Let's do a little simulation then.

52:08 You want me to? Oh my God.

52:15 Adam Maybe we'll have Dagg have sex with you.

52:17 Are you going to censor this?

52:19 Adam No, no, just don't yell the F word out.

52:23 Well, I don't know, that's so hard. You know, kind of moan a little bit, you know?

52:30 Adam Okay.

52:30 I don't know.

52:30 Adam All right, I'll try. You ready? Oh, you got it. Well, first off, this would be like if, let's see if you can work it out with Dagg. Now you got to get it going quick. Here we go.

52:39 Drew All right, here's the last one.

52:40 Adam All right, here we go.

52:41 Caller Don't look at me. Don't look. Don't look at me.

52:54 All right. Yeah.

53:00 Adam I love it when he starts snoring.

53:02 Caller What?

53:05 Adam Let me try.

53:06 Caller Let me try.

53:07 All right, you ready?

53:08 Caller There we go. I'm getting close.

53:12 What?

53:13 No, not what?

53:14 Adam You're supposed to start faking it.

53:14 Start faking it?

53:16 Adam Yeah.

53:17 Without any, you know, I respond to, you know.

53:21 Adam Well, that's what I'm saying. I mean, there's a little something there.

53:24 Yeah.

53:25 Drew And with you Adam, there's nothing. So you see it's hard for her.

53:28 Adam Right. Yeah. So here's the deal. Yeah. And by the way, ladies who are faking it, here's what I say. This is the best way to fake it. You want to keep the charade going. Yes. Here's how you do it, Drew. Every eighth to 11th one, don't have one.

53:48 Drew Right. And then eighth, then every sixth one. And then start having trouble with it.

53:53 Adam No, no, no, no. Just get, no, no. I'm just saying if you want to keep it going, if you never want a guy to catch on, every ninth one go, I'm sorry, baby. It wasn't happening for me tonight.

54:04 Yeah, I got freaked out.

54:05 Drew Don't need it, don't need it tonight.

54:06 Adam Oh, Tammy, it worked for the ride me like a mule. I can't get her out of my head. I'm just not, I'm sorry, not you. And then you have it the next time. The guy feels like a sense of accomplishment at this point. All right, you need to-

54:18 I do that, I do that.

54:19 Adam Oh, you do? Yes, I do. Smooth, smooth.

54:23 Drew That's hilarious. Now, Christy, you got to start instructing him a little bit because you know what you need to do. You know how to do it for yourself. You got to teach him how to do that.

54:31 Well, I mean, I do, I don't know if I just can't put my like mind in that place or something, but like when is the two of us together? I mean, but I mean, he said that, you know, since we've gotten married, you know, I've been a little bit more or less inhibited in bed, I guess. I don't know.

54:49 All right, listen, listen, listen to me.

54:52 Adam Here's one of these chicks from Minnesota. They're 24 and they sound like they're in their 40s. Oh, we're going to get some hotter bomb and we're going ice fishing tomorrow. I made some sandwiches. You love ice fishing, right?

55:04 Caller Yes.

55:05 Adam You wonder why the people that part of the country got a couple extra pounds on it. Here's a national pastime. Ice fishing? We push a Sears gardening shed out in the middle of a lake. We drill a hole in it and then we sit there for 11 hours pounding beer and eating cheese logs and watching the Packers.

55:27 Drew They even have a TV in there?

55:28 Adam Oh, yeah.

55:29 Drew Oh, really?

55:29 Adam Oh, they got these. The guy had a girlfriend that was from Minnesota. These elaborate palaces on skis.

55:36 Drew Really?

55:36 Adam Shove them out there. There's a hole in the floor. You get a power auger, big auger pit. You auger down through the ice. You just sit there pounding beer the entire day on a block of ice and you're watching TV. Yeah, we're doing some ice fishing. And by the way, making the announcement that we're doing some ice fishing is more like, here's, cut out the trip to the light. I'm going to sit on the sofa for nine hours and pound. I'm going to drink a case of Keystone beer.

56:07 Drew Uncomfortably cold. Uncomfortably hard surface. Not a sofa, even. It's on a bench.

56:14 Adam Sit on a bench and just drink. Go outside when it's snowing and just pound beer. Yeah, she loves ice fishing. All right, so don't tell them you've been faking all this time.

56:25 Drew No, but ease them into the real thing.

56:27 Adam Ease them into it.

56:28 Drew It's like, I have a little trouble with this. Help me out.

56:30 Adam But don't get into that. I've been faking the whole time.

56:33 Caller Oh, boy, no.

56:33 Drew Oh, what happened to that call? Is line four there still?

56:37 Caller No, they're gone.

56:38 Caller Screw up.

56:42 Caller Astara? Astara?

56:45 Adam Asteroid? What's your name?

56:48 Caller Astara.

56:49 Caller Yeah, I know it sounds like a Russian porn star name, but yeah, my parents were on drugs, so.

56:53 Adam Are they hippies?

56:54 Drew Were they really on drugs?

56:55 Caller Yeah, I think so, really. My mom was in rehab a little bit for drugs, so. Okay, so I'm afraid of penises, and I know that sounds like really immature, and I swear, it is not a fake call. I really, I mean, it's like, when I have sex, it's like really, I don't know, I feel like I'm so uncomfortable because I don't want the guy staring at my thing, and I don't want to look at his thing, and I feel like a little kid. If, Is there something wrong with me? Yeah.

57:26 Adam But maybe we can explain it. Anderson.

57:30 Drew With the juxtaposed sound effects.

57:34 Adam Let me hear Dagg having sex one more time, Anderson.

57:38 Drew There's another version of it, too, out there, a better one.

57:40 Adam Yeah, there's a better one.

57:41 Drew He snores longer afterwards. Yeah.

57:43 Adam I just cut it short, sorry. Oh yeah, don't cut it short.

57:45 Caller You got it.

58:00 Adam Let it breathe there. That's what it's like. And he's on top of her, too. She can't move.

58:18 Caller Oh, I need that on a loop.

58:19 Drew That's how you went out to Bonnie Hunt and saw him.

58:21 Adam Yeah.

58:22 Drew That was good.

58:22 Adam Yeah.

58:23 Drew They were singing and dancing. Unbelievable production. These two were just, I mean, Doug's a musician. I didn't know that.

58:29 Adam No, was he playing?

58:30 Drew No, he was singing. He was a good singer.

58:33 Adam Yeah, he's a good singer.

58:35 Drew Yeah.

58:35 Caller All right, you ready to rock?

58:38 Drew Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true, yeah. Hello. All right, so we're trying to figure out what's up with you. Well, it's not as though there's something characteristic that we can say, oh yes, this is very indicative of, fill in the blank. Yeah. You sound fine. Are you, do you have normal relationships?

58:58 Caller No, they seem to only last like two weeks. I feel like I'm a hoe most of the time.

59:04 Drew How many times have you sort of put yourself in that position?

59:08 Caller How many times?

59:12 Caller Just this past year, like 20.

59:16 Drew Sexual abuse?

59:19 Caller No, but I was like corrupted at a young age by it. Well, not really young, but I was like 12. The first time like I did anything sexual with a guy.

59:27 Drew Okay, that's bordering on abuse. And no doubt the guy was 19.

59:31 Caller He was 18.

59:33 Drew Okay, well, that's sexual abuse there. Yeah. But it's not child, you weren't a child. You're just sort of pre-adolescent.

59:39 Adam Corrupted's an interesting way to phrase it.

59:42 Drew Yeah, traumatized.

59:43 Adam Did you have sex with him?

59:45 Caller No, he fingered me and I really didn't like it. It hurt and my boyfriend wanted to do that to me this summer and I was just like, no.

59:52 Drew But still something more must have happened before that to put you in the position to act out like that.

59:56 Adam Bombs and rehab, druggy parents, I'm sure chaos.

1:00:08 Caller Yeah, yeah.

1:00:11 Adam You're acting out sexually. No, here's what's going on. I think you were traumatized, maybe not overtly, but just the fact that you come from some sort of chronic dysfunction and a drug addicted mom and the finger blasting at 12.

1:00:26 Drew And maybe you're an alcoholic addict yourself.

1:00:28 Adam Yeah.

1:00:29 Drew You might be an addict. Are you using drugs and things when you act out sexually? Or drinking, yeah.

1:00:36 Caller I have a problem with, I heard a caller call out corcine and I have a problem popping those a lot.

1:00:41 Drew And when you have sex, are you usually loaded?

1:00:45 Caller Usually I'm like drunk.

1:00:47 Drew Okay, so this is really part of your whole addictive syndrome. There's trauma and there's addiction and sex and sexual impulses and it's sort of stimulating that part of the brain, which is what drugs and alcohol do, is part of how you try to regulate and deal with the trauma. And it's on, your sort of addiction is underway here. And you might want to take care of it because it's gonna get a lot worse.

1:01:09 Adam Well, instead of that cloracidin, you need to take a chill pill.

1:01:12 Caller Oh, I know.

1:01:13 Adam And maybe get a little brain vacation in too.

1:01:15 Drew I'm gonna take a chip. A newcomer chip.

1:01:21 Adam You ate 16?

1:01:21 Caller Yeah, I ate 16.

1:01:24 Adam Okay, listen baby doll, then you're probably cute and you can get away with murder. Just, you think you reel it in a little bit?

1:01:31 Caller Yeah, I'll try. I'll try going back to counseling again, so.

1:01:34 Adam Yeah, do that. And here, look, here's the thing. Here's the thing.

1:01:37 Drew More than counseling, Esther. You need to get in recovery. You're an addict and it's underway.

1:01:42 Adam Let me say this, Drew. I, you know, okay. Call me old fashioned, but tell me.

1:01:49 Drew You're old fashioned.

1:01:50 Adam Tell me what you think of this. I think we're missing discipline in our society.

1:01:56 Drew Yes.

1:01:57 Adam And I think the notion of nobody can tell you what to do.

1:02:01 Drew Oh, that's the worst thing in the world.

1:02:02 Adam And, and, and a lot of it, and.

1:02:04 Drew That's damaging to people. People need to learn how to contain themselves. And you learn that from external containment.

1:02:09 Adam Well, here's the thing. Nobody's right, nobody's wrong. Only people are different. We're all, everyone's a winner. There's no losers. We shouldn't, we shouldn't compete. You know, schools shouldn't give out grades. There shouldn't be any trophy for the championship. Everyone should get the same trophy. And then this whole thing, too, of like, you know, you don't listen to any adult, but your parents, you know, you don't listen to your teachers, you don't listen to this. There was a time when every adult was your parent. It was like, hey man, if somebody, if one of your friend's dads came in the room, you snapped to it, like you were scared. I always remember being scared of like my friend's dads. You know, I was like, hey, they're an adult. It's like, they have jurisdiction over you. You're in the house, you're like your kid. They want to give you a swat, they'll give you a swat. They want to give you a timeout, they'll give you a timeout, they'll do whatever they want. And I'm not saying corporal punishment is a good thing, but there was a time when there was a sort of a discipline. It was like, hey, I had a Pop Warner football coach, he'd call you a wussy, grab you by the face mask. If two kids were getting into a fight, they'd grab both by the face mask, like mash their heads together and their helmets together. They'd like go at it and stuff. It was a scrappy or tougher time. But it sort of gave people the idea that, look, I don't have to give in to my every whim. This whole thing now is like, hey, if you feel like doing it, it can't be wrong. There must be a way to correct it, but it certainly couldn't be your fault or your problem. It would get you into rehab. How about people just hunkering down and not doing things?

1:03:43 Drew That's right.

1:03:43 Adam You know what I mean?

1:03:45 Drew Effortful control, the ability to take subdominant impulses and choose those over the dominant impulse.

1:03:51 Adam Right, you're having a lot of indiscriminate sex, you're drinking too much, you're getting loaded, you're getting yourself in the bad situations, you wish you could stop. How about stopping?

1:03:59 Drew Yes.

1:04:00 Adam How about not getting loaded? How about not banging that guy? How about not getting yourself in that situation? How about not blaming everyone around you and just doing a little bit of it? There's nothing wrong with forging a little discipline in the youth. And I just wonder, it just seems like, you know, every time you turn on the TV, someone's blaming, someone's suing somebody for something that they did, you know, that they brought on and everyone is someone else's fault.

1:04:25 Drew That's the other part to externalize everything, to feel as though everything that happens to you is outside of your control and the result of people doing things to you. That's a horrible way to go through life.

1:04:38 Adam Yeah, and it's like, oh, somebody's suing the city because even though the arms came down in front of the railroad tracks and the lights were blinking, they were still able to mash through the arms and get hit by the train. So we got a lawsuit. The arms should have stopped the car, you know, that kind of stuff. And after being just sort of bombarded with that, maybe start thinking, yeah, yeah.

1:05:04 Drew Whatever.

1:05:04 Adam Everyone owes me something. All right, so listen. And we talked to a lot of people, they're truly addicts. They have the gene, whatever. They were victimized, they were survivors of abuse. But look, if you're someone like a stastera, a stara, asterra, whatever you are. Look, you know what you're doing. Maybe you need some therapy, I'm sure you do. But go ahead and stop.

1:05:28 Drew And remember, there's a flip side to this too, which is the guys which are trained to believe that, hey, just a girl like sex. It's Samantha from Sex of the City. She's liberated. She's just expressing herself. She just likes sex.

1:05:40 Adam She smells like cough medicine, man.

1:05:41 Drew As opposed to this being an addict who's profoundly disturbed acting out.

1:05:46 Adam Hey, she's a woman and she's a sec. What's wrong with a woman being sexual? You're intimidated by that, man? She's expressing herself. Cause we've been as a society telling her she can't do that. But now she's acting out.

1:05:59 Drew And strangely, they always have the abuse history and always the alcoholism.

1:06:02 Adam Yep, Rusty.

1:06:04 Caller Yeah.

1:06:04 Adam You're 26?

1:06:06 Caller Yeah.

1:06:06 Adam Let me ask you a quick hypothetical about Sex in the City. Yeah. Who would you rather hang out with less? Kim Cattrall's character or the actual Kim Cattrall? Cause they both sound like just a crazed coos. Now the real Kim Cattrall, at least you feel like you could nail the character. You get a BJ out of it.

1:06:24 Caller Right.

1:06:24 Adam The real Kim Cattrall just seems like a wild bitch. She seems more affected than almost any actress I've ever heard of.

1:06:32 Drew Yeah, I like the way that she and her husband published that book on how to have a great physical relationship and then divorced three weeks later.

1:06:38 Caller Oh, divorced.

1:06:38 Drew Yeah, three weeks later.

1:06:39 Caller Interesting.

1:06:40 Drew Well, they have all the answers. She's a liberated woman.

1:06:42 Adam I just remember when they were interviewing her before the Grammys or the Golden Globes or whatever the hell they, I mean, she got nominated for, what was it, an Emmy. And she was like, Hey Kim, what do you think about you and your other cast? I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to jinx it. She said very seriously and then went on to lose. So here's the thing. What about next year? You should talk about it. You should get a bullhorn. You get one of those cars with the big megaphone on top to drive up and down the street. Talking about your nomination. Yeah, like a Banana Republic dictator's being put in the office and yeah, Rusty.

1:07:24 Caller Getting a beer. I don't care. Hello?

1:07:27 Caller Hey Rusty. Yeah.

1:07:29 Adam Who's getting you a beer?

1:07:37 Drew That's what I call a role model.

1:07:39 Caller Yeah.

1:07:41 Adam One day he's gonna grow up and be just like his old man.

1:07:45 Caller Hello? Yeah.

1:07:46 Adam A beer mule. How old's your son, Rusty?

1:07:49 Caller Two. No.

1:07:53 Caller Put him on the phone.

1:07:54 Adam Let me see if he says something to the phone. Go get him.

1:08:00 Caller Go get him.

1:08:02 Caller Is he there?

1:08:12 Caller He's not talking.

1:08:14 Adam Hello? Did he get the beer?

1:08:16 Caller Hello?

1:08:17 Adam Did he get you a beer?

1:08:19 Caller No.

1:08:20 Caller He wanted to go to his room.

1:08:24 Adam Back in my day I would have come back with a pony cake for my dad.

1:08:27 Drew I would have put Rusty in about 53 years of age. In fact he's 26.

1:08:32 Caller Hey Rusty, what do you do for a living?

1:08:35 Caller Right now. Right now.

1:08:38 Caller Right now.

1:08:39 Adam That's the kiss of death. What do you do right now?

1:08:43 Caller I'm between jobs.

1:08:51 Adam What, how do you support yourself?

1:08:54 Caller I live with my mom right now.

1:09:00 Drew I like the way he accentuates the right now too.

1:09:03 Adam Yeah.

1:09:03 Drew Right now.

1:09:05 Adam You got to put the right now before the statement. You got to go, well, right now, I'm living with my mom. Did you see what I'm saying?

1:09:14 Caller Right now, I'm living with my mom.

1:09:17 Adam Yeah. That was good, Rusty, but that's a little bumpy. Let's try it one more time.

1:09:20 Caller Ready?

1:09:21 Adam I'll cue you.

1:09:22 Caller You ready?

1:09:22 Adam Where are you living?

1:09:26 Caller I went down on my girlfriend, and she got like pus that came out of her vagina.

1:09:35 Adam Hold on one second, Rusty. You know, could you imagine, though, I mean, I guess he knows he's on Loveline. He had the question, but just imagine if he was filling out some paperwork, a job application. Residents, I went down on my girlfriend, some pus comes out of her vagina.

1:09:52 Caller All right.

1:09:56 Adam Rusty. Pus came out of your girlfriend. Is she the mother of the two-year-old beer jackie?

1:10:07 Caller Yes, she is.

1:10:08 Caller She is.

1:10:09 Drew That's good.

1:10:09 Adam But you guys don't want to get married?

1:10:12 Caller No, we're not going to. She didn't want to get married to me.

1:10:14 Drew Why?

1:10:16 Caller She said that that's not her thing, that she doesn't want to get married to anyone.

1:10:20 Drew Yeah, especially when you probably said I'm never getting married.

1:10:24 Adam No. Well, hold on a second. Hold on, Rusty. Rusty had exactly the catch of the year.

1:10:31 Drew No, I understand, but she had a kid with him, you know.

1:10:34 Adam She could have sized. There are women out there who don't want to get married. Between gigs. Rusty living at home?

1:10:43 Drew He's living with the girl now. She's living with him.

1:10:45 Adam Is he living?

1:10:45 Drew With kids there.

1:10:46 Caller Rusty? Yeah.

1:10:48 Adam You living with your girlfriend now?

1:10:50 Caller She lives here too.

1:10:53 Adam And who lives there? Your mom and?

1:10:55 Caller My mom, my grandfather. Our two sons and her...

1:11:01 Drew Whose sons?

1:11:02 Caller Both our kids.

1:11:03 Drew And her?

1:11:04 Caller And her.

1:11:08 Adam By the way, if I'm grandpa, that's where I just... I put the shotgun in the mouth, I take the sands off and use the toe.

1:11:16 Drew Yeah, he's developing his abuse form.

1:11:19 Caller Abuse form.

1:11:22 Adam A great band. Hey Rusty.

1:11:24 Caller Yeah.

1:11:25 Adam First off, a couple things. Can you stop having the kids, perhaps?

1:11:29 Caller No, she's pregnant right now, but that's it.

1:11:32 Drew Oh, that's it. Just this one.

1:11:34 Caller No, Rusty, come on.

1:11:37 Adam She's pregnant now?

1:11:39 Caller Yeah.

1:11:41 Adam But Rusty, you don't have a job.

1:11:47 Caller Well, I just applied at a place, so.

1:11:49 Caller Oh, all right.

1:11:50 Caller I applied at Home Depot.

1:11:53 Drew That's different then.

1:11:55 Adam What department you want to work in?

1:11:57 Caller Well, I put a lot of tendon.

1:11:59 Caller Oh, I see.

1:12:00 Adam Out there collecting the carts. They got the big carts. Okay. Hey, Rusty. Yeah. Okay. No more kids, please. For the love of holy Christ. No more kids. You got two boys already? I always hate that too, because that's a violent criminal instead of stripper and a porn star. You know what I mean? When you have the girls. All right.

1:12:21 Caller And I just screwed up in life. I don't.

1:12:24 Adam All right, buddy.

1:12:25 Caller I don't.

1:12:25 Adam Listen, Rusty.

1:12:29 Caller Bogus.

1:12:29 Adam Yeah, it's bogus.

1:12:30 Yeah.

1:12:33 Adam It's bogus, right? Hang on, though. I'm still kind of intrigued by Rusty.

1:12:37 Drew If it's not bogus, I'm intrigued. If it is bogus.

1:12:40 Adam I'm intrigued, too.

1:12:40 Drew Well done. Was he crying? Yeah.

1:12:43 Adam He was crying, but I think it was... I think it was... It's tough.

1:12:48 Drew Again, this is like the AIDS call. We have to go... We have to take it seriously.

1:12:51 Adam No, we don't. But I'm intrigued. And by the way, we punch out at midnight.

1:12:56 Drew All right.

1:12:56 Adam We'll take a break. We'll be back to Unravel the Mystery of Rusty after this. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Yeah, my balls hurt, my nose hurts.

1:13:32 Drew Yeah, it's bad times, it's bad times. It's tough being a Corolla.

1:13:36 Adam When we left off, we were speaking to young Rusty. Rusty's 26. Rusty, well right now, Rusty's living at home, and right now, Rusty's in between jobs.

1:13:49 Drew Yeah.

1:13:49 Adam And he broke down and started crying.

1:13:52 Drew Maybe.

1:13:52 Adam And it felt bogus. The whole thing has felt a little bogus.

1:13:57 Drew Yeah, the right now's were a little accentuated.

1:13:59 Adam But he didn't play along.

1:14:01 Drew And he held out, if there's a Mason jar coming, he held out nicely on that.

1:14:05 Adam Let's get back to the Rust master. Rusty?

1:14:09 Caller Yeah. I was crying.

1:14:12 Adam You weren't.

1:14:13 Caller No.

1:14:14 Adam What were you doing?

1:14:17 Caller When I talk about it sometime, I know I screwed up. I know I can't. I have two kids and I can't provide proper for them. And I know that my wife's pregnant again. And that I can't afford.

1:14:36 Adam Now, hold on now. You called her your wife, whereas a minute ago she was your girlfriend.

1:14:40 Caller I call her my wife to everybody. She doesn't want me doing that. She won't get married to me.

1:14:45 Drew And how old is your second kid?

1:14:47 Caller Two. I have a one year old and a two year old.

1:14:53 Adam And you applied for a gig at the Home Depot.

1:14:56 Caller Yeah.

1:14:57 Adam And you're living at home.

1:14:58 Drew All right. So and you, and something came out of your girlfriend.

1:15:03 Caller I went down on her. And it was like a, like a white puss.

1:15:11 Drew How long, how pregnant is she? Well, all kinds of funky discharges around then.

1:15:17 Adam So best to stay away from that. Listen, that's a, you stay away from a stay away. Here's, here's, here's basically what you got to do. After a good hard rain, stay away from that mouth that spits, it leads out to the bay. Yeah. You see what I'm saying?

1:15:32 Drew All the crap's coming down.

1:15:33 Adam Yeah. When you're six months, stay away from that area.

1:15:36 Drew But, and also be, she ought to see your obstetrician. Cause if it is a sign of a vaginal infection, which it could be, that can endanger the pregnancy a little bit.

1:15:44 Caller It couldn't be anything like an STD or anything?

1:15:47 Drew Well, is she having sex with other people at six months of pregnancy?

1:15:50 Caller Her sister said that she does, she goes out with other people sometimes.

1:15:56 Drew Even in pregnancy.

1:15:57 Caller How'd she keep playing that music?

1:16:00 Adam Oh, I don't know. You know, engineer Anderson is what you call a Yankee.

1:16:10 Caller You know what I mean?

1:16:12 Adam Makes fun of people. He's smug, he's one of them college boys.

1:16:17 Caller You know what I mean?

1:16:18 Adam He watches his DVDs and smokes his health food cigarettes.

1:16:25 Caller You know what I'm saying?

1:16:26 Adam Well, that reminds me, I get an interesting gift. I was just about to say that. Yeah, hey Rusty.

1:16:32 Caller Yeah.

1:16:33 Adam Okay, listen here buddy boy. There's something that sounds suspicious about this call. But whatever it is, you've stuck it out, you've done a good job. Now, here's the beats. Don't get anyone pregnant anymore. Oh, I don't know, this just sounds like, this sounds doomed. Okay, look, get the job at the Home Depot. Stop cranking out the goddamn kids, all you retards out there. And whenever there's a situation, by the way, of, I like Anderson's answer, by the way, of why is he playing that music? And Anderson says because he doesn't have the theme from Deliverance.

1:17:09 Drew He means the dueling banjos?

1:17:10 Adam Yeah, yeah. I like it's a good answer, which is, yeah, he would be playing that if he could. Stop knocking out, I forget, you know, don't you forget about living in Southern California, Drew? You forget about white trash. You really do. Because we got the Mexicans to worry about here. And that's, that's, they got their own thing going on. And we make fun of that. But we forget about the white trash. You don't find that much white trash in the Los Angeles area properly. Well, you start, you start traveling. You get in a riverside, start getting those areas. You know what I mean? You start driving to Vegas. Oh, that's when you find it. But you know, we don't know any real good white, you just don't find that much good white trash. We have foreign white trash here, but that's just a cultural. They're not even white trash. That's a culture thing. Yeah, sure, there's 20 of us. We live in a refrigerator box. That's the way we do it. We're happy, you know, fine. Everyone's having each other. No one has any money, but that's fine.

1:18:10 Drew But Rusty needs to, maybe he's only 26, maybe vocational rehab, get with a little bit, go to trade school for a year even. You're not making any money right now and your grandfather, your mom's supporting you. All right, fine, we'll make some use of that time.

1:18:23 Adam I bet on the porch of the house, there is a sofa on top of a sofa. There's actually double decker sofa on top of there. And you have to squeeze into the bottom one. Yeah, that's nice. All right, you ready to rock? Yeah, good times, Rusty.

1:18:40 Drew Makes you upset.

1:18:42 Adam Crystal? You're 15? What's up?

1:18:46 Hi Adam, hi Dr. Drew. I love you guys, you guys are funny.

1:18:51 Adam Yeah.

1:18:52 Caller Yeah, you get all happy?

1:18:54 Adam Yeah.

1:18:56 Caller Okay, this is my question.

1:18:57 Caller I want to hear Adam Carolla moan again.

1:19:00 Adam How was I moaning before?

1:19:01 Caller I don't remember.

1:19:03 Adam What was I doing? You mean when we were simulating the love making? All right, well let me tell you this by the way. I don't, you know, have sex, I make love. I understand.

1:19:18 Drew Vomit in that sound please, prepare.

1:19:20 Adam Yes, and no, Crystal, you're 15, you're too young for me to understand. I have to simulate my love making too.

1:19:26 Caller Do you have to do it?

1:19:27 Adam All right, you're right. That should be something like, something like this. Come on, let's see your dag do it one more time. I want an entire show of just dag and his love making. You like dag better than me.

1:19:56 Caller Don't look at me.

1:19:57 Caller I will give you something to smile about.

1:20:16 Caller That's what it's like.

1:20:20 Adam And he's on top of her too.

1:20:22 Caller Just like a little plop here, a little skeet there, skeet-y skeet, skeet-y skeet, everywhere, everybody, everybody, skeet-y skeet.

1:20:31 Caller That's how you do your three-some with me.

1:20:34 Drew Let's just share just 20 minutes of Dag.

1:20:36 Adam It'd be nice. Yes, I'm feeling under the weather, Dag's funny. I mean, what are we here for? All right, listen, Crystal, you're too young and I'm too tired. Let's keep going here, Drew.

1:20:50 Caller Did Miss Mama Pinsky put her little pinkie in Dr. Drew's little dump?

1:20:58 Adam Dump her.

1:21:00 Drew Oh my God.

1:21:03 Caller Chris? You're 21?

1:21:06 Caller Yeah.

1:21:08 Drew Yeah.

1:21:09 Adam What's happening?

1:21:16 Caller It's all right. What's going on over there?

1:21:18 Caller I'm just wondering...

1:21:20 Drew Somebody just came in the Mini Mart?

1:21:21 Adam Yeah, you at work?

1:21:22 Caller Oh my God.

1:21:24 Adam Oh, he's working at a Mini Mart.

1:21:26 Caller No, I'm not.

1:21:27 Caller Well, what was the Indian thing then?

1:21:30 Adam Come on.

1:21:30 Caller I don't know.

1:21:31 Caller You're doing a little appoo.

1:21:32 Adam All right, listen, this is clearly bogus. So what do you want to do? You want to do something? Yeah, do a little do a little Indian for us.

1:21:41 Drew What do you do it?

1:21:43 Adam Yeah, keep going.

1:21:44 Drew Sri Lankan.

1:21:45 Caller Oh, my God. Why did she do it? You son of a bitch.

1:21:49 Caller Yeah, yeah.

1:21:50 Adam He didn't know.

1:21:52 Caller No, you do it.

1:21:53 Adam How about Irish? You do Irish?

1:21:55 Caller Oh, my God.

1:21:59 Drew Who's in the background? People.

1:22:02 Caller All right.

1:22:03 Adam Well, you keep keep getting high, would you?

1:22:05 Caller Yeah.

1:22:08 Adam By the way, when you get that, when you get that, like, here's how you know, by the way, the person's doing whatever you're doing. And you go, hey, listen, quit beating up. You get the immediate response. Like you go, listen. You got me.

1:22:21 Caller Yeah.

1:22:22 Adam Have fun with that ball. You know, it's like the immediate, like, here's the deal. If they're not doing it, it takes a second to register.

1:22:28 Caller They go, yeah, whatever.

1:22:29 Adam But when they have the immediate reaction, it means getting high.

1:22:32 Caller Yeah. High as a kite, that kid.

1:22:35 Drew Let's take a break. I don't like how he's called.

1:22:38 Adam We'll be back. Oh yeah.

1:22:53 Caller Yeah.

1:22:55 Caller Hell yeah.

1:22:57 Adam That's right. I'm Adam.

1:22:59 Drew What's the weather, Adam?

1:23:07 Caller Blah blah.

1:23:09 Drew Blah blah.

1:23:10 Adam Listen, you pussy weatherman. I watched your ass last week with your F and five day forecast. You stupid convincing crap that never happens. Sitting around Sunday. I'm building a house, by the way, so I pay attention. Standing in front of that big blue screen of theirs going. Now, now, now, now, tonight's going to be clear. It's going to be about 72 degrees.

1:23:36 Caller But now by Tuesday, now what we got here, let's take a look at the radar map. What we got here is we got a high pressure system moving in offshore.

1:23:44 Adam Now this will be coming in from up north. There'll be getting some rain up there in the Bay Area.

1:23:48 Caller That'll be pushing its way down to Southern California. Should arrive about 6:54 p.m. Tuesday. Now that's gonna hit, but that should blow through and clear up by Wednesday morning. Then Friday night, we have another front that's gonna come in. Now that's gonna be a more powerful front. That should come either very late Thursday evening or very early Friday morning.

1:24:13 Adam Now that's gonna push in, but that's not coming through and heading back toward Baja. That's actually gonna settle in for a while.

1:24:20 Drew Because of this ridge right here, this high pressure ridge, you'll keep it.

1:24:22 Caller That's all great except for nothing! Nothing! No goddamn rain the whole life in a week with your stupid thing. I mean, it's like, here, why don't you, I got a better idea.

1:24:33 Adam Why don't you guys explain how you're gonna win the Super Bowl?

1:24:36 Caller Well, first, I'm gonna catch an out, okay?

1:24:40 Adam And then we're gonna do a pump because I'm gonna pretend like I'm gonna do a double pass play, but then I tuck it in and I start heading down, and the cheerleaders start fingering themselves.

1:24:50 Caller They're so excited when they see me.

1:24:52 Adam Now, somewhere around the 30-yard line, I cut back against the grain because I got the speed to get around the corner. Another head fake. I pick up a block, reverse field one more time, and go in for the winning touch. Why don't you just talk about that, you fantasy freaks?

1:25:09 Drew Where do the cheerleaders finger in the summer?

1:25:11 Adam Which is all more part of your bizarre weatherman fantasy, explaining on a Sunday what's going on the entire week when nothing ever happened.

1:25:20 Caller Did we get any rain last week, by the way?

1:25:23 Drew No.

1:25:23 Caller No rain.

1:25:24 Drew A little drizzle.

1:25:25 Adam A little drizzle. I don't know if it was the week before. Whatever it was, you guys were talking about two storms blowing into South Dakota. Nothing. I'll tell you what blows in. You. Get under the desk and start blowing. That's what you need to do. Here's what we need to do. Here's what I want you weathermen to do. You get under the desk and start sucking off the anchors. That's where you would you would do better work there. You'd be more useful to me there.

1:25:48 Caller That's what I want.

1:25:49 Adam Hey, Johnny Mounties.

1:25:51 Caller Where's Johnny? Where?

1:25:52 Adam Oh, he's blowing me right now.

1:25:56 Caller That's right. Johnny, what can we expect for a five day forecast? More blowing.

1:26:01 Adam Follow Tuesday is going to be a reach around and Thursday. Expect a high pressure system. I put my thumb in your ass. Just get under the desk and start blowing you pussies. You do nothing. All you do is cut into my sports. You know, just extend the sports and just shut up, you idiots.

1:26:17 Caller Blah, blah, blah, blah.

1:26:19 Adam Coming up Wednesday, high pressure is coming in. I look up to Thursday. It's going to move in. Like you guys have some kind of some sort of science by this when nothing ever happens. Nothing.

1:26:29 Caller Blah, blah, blah.

1:26:31 Adam And then I like to make it real specific. Now Friday, Friday, the day is going to start up. But by the end of the day, a pressure is moving in from Baja.

1:26:40 Caller Yeah, really?

1:26:40 Adam Is this total fantasy or maybe just reading the one from last year?

1:26:45 Caller It doesn't happen.

1:26:46 Adam It's nothing like it. We got nothing. Nothing. I got a whole week of like covering stuff with plastic and say, yelling at people, don't turn the sprinklers on. It's got a big storms coming in on it. Nothing. Idiots. Someone needs to sue these people. Can we just get a class action lawsuit against Weatherman and get the hell out of here? You pussies. Go to Idaho. We don't need you. We don't need that. We don't need you in this town. Just get your pussy asses, your bad suits, your Grecian formula, pack in your Novus and hit the freeways. Nobody wants you. Drew, who hates Weatherman more than me?

1:27:23 Drew Nobody.

1:27:25 Adam Let me explain something about Weatherman. I didn't start off hating Weatherman. I just found out they were wrong 90 percent of the time.

1:27:31 Drew Now you're pissed.

1:27:32 Adam Now you're pissed because they're wasting my time.

1:27:34 Drew Megan, what's up?

1:27:36 Caller I read your book, Drew, by the way. It was great.

1:27:38 Drew Thank you, Megan.

1:27:40 Caller And I ride horses a lot. I'll ride up to six a day sometimes.

1:27:46 Adam Six different horses?

1:27:48 Caller No, I ride horses, like competitively.

1:27:51 Drew But what does that mean, six a day? It means six different horses a day?

1:27:54 Caller Six different horses, yeah.

1:27:56 Caller So I'm on and off and on and on.

1:28:02 Drew Which way are you gonna be?

1:28:02 Adam I'll be here. I ride horses a lot, sometimes six a day.

1:28:07 Drew Six different horses?

1:28:10 Adam I ride competitively.

1:28:15 Drew Sometimes six at a time.

1:28:16 Adam Do you ride six all at the same time?

1:28:20 Caller No, I wish that'd be a talent.

1:28:23 Adam All right, what do you do? Do you do the barrel barreling or you jump them?

1:28:27 Caller I wear those pants and those really hot boots.

1:28:30 Drew And the hat. The black hat?

1:28:32 Caller Yeah, the hat.

1:28:33 Drew The hat.

1:28:33 Adam By the way, the protective headgear that looks like it will come off before your head makes contact with the ground.

1:28:39 Caller You'd be surprised. It's kind of suction cuppy.

1:28:43 Drew It will come off before your ass leaves the horse.

1:28:45 Adam Yes. Well, you're going over the horse. If you're lucky, you'll land on the helmet.

1:28:50 Caller It'll hit first. If you're lucky, honestly, usually it's on the jump, but you know.

1:28:54 Caller All right.

1:28:55 Adam Are you jumping horses?

1:28:59 Caller All right. Sometimes, I always thought it was kind of normal because I've been tested, but sometimes I get a pimple down there. That would be normal due to the amount of friction, right?

1:29:11 Drew There's a lot of anaerobic bacteria get growing.

1:29:13 Caller Yeah. I mean...

1:29:16 Drew It's kind of like a zit, basically, or a carbuncle, but you can also get Bartholomew's glands infected and things like that.

1:29:25 Adam By the way, that horse's spine is like a tenderizing hammer, just pounding and pounding against that... The abalone. You must have the softest vagina in town.

1:29:40 Caller Yeah. So, you think it would also make you less sensitive in that sense, I mean...

1:29:46 Adam Yeah.

1:29:47 Drew What do you mean, sensitive? What do you mean, sensitive? What do you mean?

1:29:51 Adam What the crap out of that thing?

1:29:52 Caller It's more difficult to have an orgasm.

1:29:55 Caller I mean, I've had them.

1:29:57 Adam Well, here's the thing about chicks with horses. The ones that are really into them are a little nutty.

1:30:02 Caller Yeah.

1:30:02 Adam Most chicks like horses, but the ones that love them are like crazy.

1:30:07 Caller Well, I was kind of like born into it.

1:30:13 Adam Didn't your parents see Gone with the Wind?

1:30:15 Caller You know, I wish they had.

1:30:18 Adam Well, remember when they had the Clark Gables skin?

1:30:20 Caller It was thrown right off that horse.

1:30:23 Adam Yeah. Are you going to do it in the Olympics or anything?

1:30:27 Caller I hope. I need the right horse.

1:30:29 Adam You need the right horse? I could be that horse.

1:30:33 Caller Really?

1:30:34 Adam Are you hot? Because I love those pants.

1:30:37 Caller I know. I get so many looks. If I go out in public with them on, oh my god, guys who would never hit on me, like hit on me. Yeah, totally.

1:30:46 Caller Drew, what is that?

1:30:47 Adam Hold on. What is hotter than those high boots?

1:30:50 Drew Jodhpurs.

1:30:50 Adam Those tight, what do they call them?

1:30:52 Drew Are they called Jodhpurs?

1:30:53 Adam Jodhpur boots.

1:30:54 Drew Ask the pants.

1:30:55 Adam Oh, the pants. And then the red blazer.

1:30:59 Drew Oh, yeah.

1:30:59 Adam Oh.

1:30:59 Drew What's the pants called, Megan?

1:31:01 Caller Breaches. Jodhpurs for little kids.

1:31:04 Adam Breaches.

1:31:04 Caller Yeah.

1:31:05 Drew That's when you guys get into the breach.

1:31:08 Adam And then there's leather boots.

1:31:11 Caller Leather boots. It's hot.

1:31:13 Adam A little riding crop.

1:31:15 Drew Yeah. Oh, you have a fetish thing, huh? No, no, no. Not you. He didn't realize it, but it's beginning to emerge right here.

1:31:22 Adam I like when the chicks are buttoned down a little bit. Like, I like that little outfit on them.

1:31:26 Drew Buttoned down and school girlish, but with the whip. But with the whip.

1:31:31 Caller Little dominatrix thing going on.

1:31:34 Adam Yeah, all right. So, listen, the vagina, yes, yes, the repetitive trauma it's taking.

1:31:40 Drew Probably not doing anything to it. No. Just getting a little affections going from all those...

1:31:44 Adam Why don't you...

1:31:45 Drew You gotta keep things nicely oxygenated.

1:31:47 Adam Why don't you pack a maxi pad in there? Yeah, get a little padding.

1:31:54 Drew And you have a hammer, a jackhammer coming through the maxi pad. And the area is occluded. No air can get in. That's the issue.

1:32:02 Adam Boxer wraps his hands before he puts the gloves on. You know what I'm saying? A little wrap down there, a little under and over, a little pad.

1:32:10 Drew Good times.

1:32:11 Adam People think little catchers will put like an insertable foam rubber pad in their mitt. Boxers will put a little pad over their knuckles before they tape things up. What's wrong with a little pad down there?

1:32:21 Caller Nothing wrong with it.

1:32:22 Adam Take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:32:24 Caller Okay, so I know there's nothing wrong with me. So what's up?

1:32:31 Caller But I tried everything else and thought, what the hell?

1:32:39 Caller 877-889-DATE.

1:32:57 Adam And not a moment too soon, because my nut sack is hurting me, my nose is hurting me, I got like a little post-nasal drip.

1:33:05 Drew You need some work, you need some work, dude.

1:33:06 Adam I'm going into the shop, and I'm gonna rejuvenate myself.

1:33:10 Drew You need a septal repair, you need a hernia repair.

1:33:12 Adam All right, I wanna thank, well, let's see, first off, producer Ann for doing great bookings, on a booking roll. I wanna thank Junior, producer Lauren for coming in here. Screw her, she doesn't give me thanks. I wanna thank engineer Chris for, he's got a haircut, he's doing a great job, he's all smiles over there, he's really coming out of his shell. I'd like to see him get back into it just a little bit. I wanna thank Brian for doing a phone screen of Brian for doing a wonderful job. Unclear whether Tara, don't call me Tara, God damn it, has left the show or not. I'll give her thanks anyway. And of course, the magic finger one, engineer Anderson for doing those drops and sliding them potentiometer. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo. But Rusty, you don't have a job.

1:34:17 Caller Yeah.

1:34:21 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors or this station. The producer for Loveline is Ann Ingold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Thursday, December 18, 2003