Episode 1000584432596

0:54 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually oriented content. I'm Adam.

1:05 Adam Phone number 1-800-LLV-E-191. Dr. Drew, board-certified physician, addiction medicine specialist. Drew, do you notice when you're driving here at night, about 40% more traffic?

1:17 Drew And about 800% crazier?

1:20 Adam Just slower and more, I notice.

1:24 Drew Yeah, in fact, my wife and I had a discussion tonight about exactly that. Lots of traffic, lots of crazy driving. Everyone's like out Christmas shopping and full moon. I don't know what it is.

1:34 Adam I don't mind the crazy driving.

1:36 Drew Have you tried changing a lane recently?

1:39 Adam Yeah, I like the... No, no, I haven't. It's been some years since I've actually changed lanes.

1:44 Drew Recently, recently, just recently, mind you, when you try, people like screech up behind you and start honking their horn. Or if you like, you don't see somebody in your mirror, so I mean, kind of start pulling and they, you know, hey, honk, honk. It's not the, hey, hey, I'm here.

1:55 Caller It's ba, ba, ba, get behind you, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.

1:59 Drew Hey, hey, come on.

2:00 Adam Drew, Drew's wounded.

2:02 Drew No, it's ridiculous.

2:03 Adam I just happened to notice that driving here tonight, there were twice as many cars as they're normally on the road.

2:10 Drew I would agree.

2:11 Adam And maybe they're out Christmas shopping. I don't know what they're doing.

2:14 Drew They're going Christmas parties.

2:15 Adam They're home from Christmas shopping at 10 o'clock at night. No, wait a minute. I was on the road 10 o'five at night. All right. Well, good times. Oh my God. All right. Are you ready to go here, Drew?

2:27 Drew Here we go.

2:30 Adam Listen, I gotta do something with these gift certificates each year. I'm trying to figure out what to do with the gift certificates.

2:35 Drew That you've gotten or you're gonna get?

2:37 Adam That I'm gonna get, that other people are buying. I wanna punish stores for gift certificates. I wanna do something. I want everyone within the sound of my voice to help me punish stores. The latest is, is my wife goes to Macy's, I think. They have this thing where like, hey, for every $100 you spend, you get $15 back or in some sort of bonus bucks or something. It's a certificate or something. So she buys something for a hundred bucks and then buys two gift certificates for a hundred bucks. And like, we don't give the bonus on the gift certificate. Really? That's cash. It's never coming back. Now we don't do it on that. It's like, wouldn't that be the first thing you do it on? Well, what's the difference, by the way, whether you give them a hundred bucks to buy a sweater or you give them a hundred bucks, they give you a voucher and your cousin buys a sweater.

3:23 Drew Why don't you buy the sweater, get the $15 voucher or whatever, return it, say, I just want the gift certificate. No return, just give it to me back.

3:31 Adam Okay, then she becomes an old Russian woman, waiting, waiting, eating, you'll play yogurt. I'm just saying, I know these things. Here's what I want. Here's what I want. And I've done it and you can do it too. When you go to a place that has a gift certificate and they say, yeah, sorry, it's expired, tell them, no, it hasn't. There's a law that says it can't and fight, fight and get the thing and hammer the thing.

3:58 Drew We gotta get copies of that law distributed around the internet.

4:00 Adam Yeah, and then the other thing is, well, it goes state to state. The other thing is, I want everyone to buy their thing with their gift certificate and demand change.

4:10 Drew Oh yeah.

4:11 Adam That whole, we don't give change things, the biggest cluster F there is. We just, we don't give change. I got a hundred dollar gift certificate. I spent 87.75. I'm gonna need 12.25 back. Yeah, we don't. Now, you gotta find something for, there's nothing that's exactly at price. Well, yeah, cause now you gotta spend more. I mean, you buy something that's 27 bucks, you chip in another 15 bucks. That's how they do it. Really? No, no, we don't, we don't give change. Listen, you a-hole, if I handed you a hundred dollar bill, what would you say? Sorry, no change. Let's go to the bargain bin. Get yourself a tie or a old Fleetwood Mac CD for $12. Really, no change? It's a hundred dollars. You see, here's what I'm saying, everybody. This is the message. This is my overall message when it comes, that, see, this is the bigger picture message that I'm making for the gift certificate. When you give people the power, they abuse it. This is what happens. You give a guy a hundred bucks and say, just give me a piece of paperback. Soon as he gets that hundred bucks put safely into his wallet, now he's got policies. Oh, here's my, oh, no, we don't, no, I don't give change on that. I don't give change on that hundred dollars. I'm sorry, buddy, it expired. I know it was gonna be a hundred dollars, gonna be redeemable for a, I was gonna be able to detail your car any time, but you know what? It's over. No, you can't have a hundred dollars back. Is it great how when people make policies, oftentimes it's in their favor.

5:51 Drew Strangely enough.

5:51 Adam Strangely. Coincidentally, stores have all sorts of policies. You can't get a gift certificate and get your money back. Oh, no, we can't do that. Why? Oh, it's policy, it's policy. It's policy. Yeah. My my here's what really what you need to answer with the policy, which is is you got to tell them what your personal policy is, which I told that F and Barney's of New York, which is my policies. I get change on all gift certificates. So now we got a little policy. We got what you call a Mexican standoff here of policies. Yeah, it's our policy. Kiss my ass. I got the money out of them, though, believe you me.

6:32 Drew David Algarve tomorrow night.

6:33 Adam Yeah. And you guys can do anything you want if you're willing to wait long enough, make a big enough stink. Sure, your wife's told you that many times.

6:41 Drew Too busy.

6:42 Adam Yeah, but listen, don't be a pain in the ass and ask for stuff that you don't need or you don't deserve. That's why I wanted to say. That's what made me think of your wife. Ashley? You're 17? What's up?

7:01 Caller My problem is, of course, because I'm calling you guys, I cannot orgasm by myself or with anybody.

7:09 Drew Well, that's sort of a common thing at your age.

7:11 Caller Yeah, but it like sucks really bad.

7:13 Drew Do you feel like you should or need to?

7:17 Caller No, not at all.

7:18 Drew All right, well, when the time comes, you will.

7:22 Adam You know what's actually nice, Drew? Everybody just says no, not at all to whatever you say. So you just tricked her into getting off the phone. Well, do you feel like, no, not at all, not at all. Yeah, I always like that. That's my favorite black athlete thing. You threw 13 interceptions in the first quarter. Do you feel that hurt your team chant? No, not at all. All right. No, not at all. All right, so Ashley doesn't feel that way.

7:51 Drew So she doesn't need it, doesn't want it, has no drive for it, and that's her biology.

7:56 Adam Ashley? Do you feel like we should be asking more questions?

8:00 Caller Sure, if you want to.

8:02 Adam Oh, she tricked me, Drew.

8:04 Drew No, not at all.

8:07 Caller Yeah, you guys did trick me, thanks.

8:09 Adam All right, so now you have a boyfriend?

8:12 Caller No.

8:14 Drew Yeah, but she has no drive even alone, just not interested in orgasm.

8:18 Caller Like, I try to, it just doesn't happen.

8:21 Drew Yeah, but you're trying to because you're curious about what it would be, not because you have a need to do it.

8:26 Caller Right.

8:27 Drew Yeah. You, one day you will have a need to do it.

8:29 Adam Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, you don't know. Yeah, you don't know.

8:35 Drew You don't know from misery. The 17 year old male. Right. What?

8:39 Caller This is normal then?

8:40 Drew Yes, it's quite normal. Is there anything about you we should know? You on medication, you have medical problems, trauma history?

8:45 Caller Well, I'm on medication, but I mean, like, it's nothing like that should interfere.

8:49 Drew What medicine?

8:50 Caller Antidepressant.

8:51 Drew Well, that interferes badly. Which antidepressant?

8:54 Caller Saloxone, but I mean, I just started it, though. I mean.

8:58 Drew All right, well, just know that it's gonna, that medicine can make it almost impossible to orgasm.

9:01 Adam Norgasm. Yeah. That'd be a good antidepressant, wouldn't it?

9:06 Drew Norgasm.

9:07 Adam Norgasm. You could probably pass something. Why, norgasmicol? You could pass that, couldn't you? Just, people would be secretly, well, they would be attracted, yeah, or orgasm at all. Think you might be able to get away with that. I mean, you can just name your stuff, right? You invent something? Oh, man. I'm gonna love inventing my, when I invent my lie detector machine. Huge revolutionizes the court systems. Yes. Yeah, it's gonna be great. Mark. Hey, you're 18, what's up?

9:42 Caller Just wanna say, Adam, I enjoyed you on Savage Nation. Great appearance.

9:46 Adam Oh, yeah, I didn't even say anything.

9:48 Caller It was very entertaining. A different kind of sense of you, but it was really nice.

9:52 Adam Well, for anyone who doesn't know it, Savage Nation is a radio show in which a guy, Michael Savage is his name, he does scenes. He blows harder than any man has ever blown before. I mean, he is a blowhard. And let me say this. Let me blowhard about this guy's blowhardiness. Here's what you gotta be to be a blowhard. You gotta be white. You gotta be slightly overweight. Or my ex-manager and Drew's current manager fits the bill perfectly. You have to be in your mid-50s, early 60s. Yeah, you gotta love the sound of your own voice. You have to be smart, but not entertaining, but yet have a story, but not be entertaining. And people shouldn't know why they don't like you, but they don't. But you just wax on and wax on. You got a big belly and you just blow hard. Michael Savage is a blowhard, but I think he's Jewish, which, uh-uh, but listen, Drew, there's a different breed. There's a Jewish blowhard that takes it to another level. That is the goyim blowhard with a thesaurus and a dictionary, you know what I mean? And for some reason it knows medicine like Marcus Welby and the law. You know, when you get the Jewish blowhard, now that's blowhard with a turbocharger on it. But a slightly more tolerable than the goyim blowhard, who's never really entertaining. The Jewish blowhard is entertaining half the time.

11:31 Drew Because all the information is flying out.

11:33 Adam Yes, something catches, something runs.

11:36 Drew And so what was the discussion about?

11:37 Adam Michael Savage of the Savage Nation is a huge crank yankers fan. So he decided I should be on his show via the phone to talk about crank yankers. But all he wanted to talk about was the puppets he liked. And last time he ran into Liz Taylor. I didn't say a word. I just sat there on the phone while he just, while he just jacked himself off.

12:00 Drew Was it fun?

12:02 Adam No, it is funny because people listen and they'll go, well, how come you didn't say anything? And it's like, when you're on the phone talking to a radio show and someone's just going a mile a minute like I am right now, who are we just talking to? Derek or Mark? We're talking to Drew.

12:18 Drew No, I think it was the girl that's off the line now. Mark?

12:22 Adam Yeah, we're just talking to you, right? Thank you.

12:26 Caller Are you crying, Drew?

12:27 Adam Yeah, I didn't say anything on that guy's show.

12:30 Caller I know, he was like, I met Nancy Reagan. I've been there 10 minutes. I was like, oh my God, this annoying guy.

12:35 Adam Yeah, he worked into a story about how he met Nancy Reagan in the middle of asking me about crank anchors and didn't want to hear anything. I mean, Mark, what did I say, eight words?

12:45 Caller He got everything wrong, knew nothing, and you just had to correct him every other moment.

12:50 Adam Yeah, nice blowhard. But anyway, it's a fun radio show to listen to. Go ahead, Mark.

12:55 Caller I was just wondering, if I mailed you guys a copy of Love and Death, would you be able to sign that by any chance?

13:01 Drew Yeah.

13:02 Adam Yeah. I know you love that movie.

13:05 Caller I know you guys, it's like the only one you agree on, so.

13:07 Drew Yeah, we found our love for each other through that film.

13:10 Adam We love Love and Death, and we did agree on Crimes and Misdemeanors as well.

13:15 Caller Oh, great one, Martin Landau.

13:16 Drew Great.

13:16 Adam Yeah. Mark, you're way ahead of the curve at 18. And let me say something to all you pussies out there who are thinking, hey, what's he know?

13:25 Caller He knows something, I don't know.

13:27 Caller I never heard of that movie.

13:28 Caller You're the idiots.

13:30 Adam You're the idiots, not Mark. Mark's 18, Mark's seen some well-crafted movies made by a guy in his prime, who's cranked out a lot of crap since, but these are two great examples of great Woody Allen movies. And the fact that he knows them and is familiar with them makes him a better person, not a geek. Thank you, Mark.

13:53 Drew Yet it will not translate into-

13:55 Adam One ounce of pussy, not one ounce. But you know what? We will definitely sign anything you send us.

14:03 Drew Let him ask his question about that.

14:04 Adam Here's on that. I'm just going here for a second. But I'm just tired of this society. I don't know when it started where the, I guess the less you know, the cooler you are. And if you know something that someone else doesn't know, it's like, eh.

14:15 Drew Gotta hide it.

14:16 Adam Oh yeah. What's wrong with that? Didn't we used to be the other way? And you know what it is? Here's what I think it is. I think as a society, we're so age oriented. We're so-

14:31 Drew Youth oriented you mean?

14:32 Adam Youth oriented.

14:33 Drew There's some of that.

14:34 Adam Yes. Well, I say age in the sense that I mean that we'll discriminate against one. We're wrapped up in age. I mean, if you're a chick and you're in your fifties, look out, we're gonna beat the crap out of you. And if you're 16, if you're Avra Levine, perfect. You know what I mean? And here's the deal. Well, the less you know, the younger you seem. And if you're a 17 year old who knows a lot, you seem like you're 28.

14:59 Drew Well, we also again, 30, 40 years ago, decided that the man insisted on educating kids and the man insisted on knowledge and that wasn't natural. And we should just forego all that. And then it became cool to be brain dead.

15:15 Adam I just think people are dumber than they've ever been. And I think part of the deal is, and I know it from hanging around this radio station and talking on the phone to people, people haven't heard of anything and are defying about it. Tara, don't call me Tara. Never heard of one movie or anything. And she'd always be like, so what? I wasn't buying it. She was like, well, she was angry about everything. She was angry about everything. But the point is, is you're supposed to be on the defense because you don't know something. And don't give me that age crap. Like I never heard of Louis Armstrong or something. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, you're supposed to know stuff. All right, where were we?

15:52 Drew We're still talking to Mark.

15:53 Adam Oh, Mark.

15:55 Caller Yeah, hi.

15:56 Adam Yeah.

15:57 Drew Now you may ask your question. Go ahead.

15:59 Caller Sure. Just a kind of a question. I smoke pot very occasionally, not a lot. But when I do, I'll get like localized pain either like sometimes in my eyes or sometimes in a finger. Like on an ankle or an extremity for some reason.

16:11 Adam I get it in the eye, sometimes a seed explodes.

16:16 Drew Oh, that seed, I see.

16:17 Adam Seed, you get some bad shake in there. Seed, pow.

16:20 Drew They still have that, does pot still come with seeds? Or is that a quaint throwback to the past?

16:24 Adam You gotta put it, you gotta take the weed, you gotta spread it out on your dark side of the moon, record album, and you gotta clean it. Yeah, you got a lot of shake in there, man. You know what I'm saying?

16:40 Drew Yeah. So what about the pot?

16:41 Caller Well, I mean, what is that, just to recreationally, not to affect my studies or anything, but is that just gonna stay, that this is a normal side effect sometimes? I would just give localized pain or?

16:51 Drew No, I've never heard of that, but the Bud Pod can cause very strange symptoms once in a while, and usually with sort of anxiety. That's kind of the overriding symptom.

17:00 Adam Yeah. My mom had a nice pot plant.

17:03 Drew Nice.

17:04 Adam Yeah. Showed one of my buddies, Hamid Kab, the school tourble maker, and he was gone the next day.

17:11 Drew He took it?

17:14 Adam He's in jail in Cincinnati right now.

17:17 Drew He took it.

17:17 Adam Yeah. Yeah. That's the beauty about, you know, you hang out with these guys, and then later on you go, where is old Hamid? He's in the joint, and you go, oh yeah. Oh, sure.

17:28 Drew Who else will be there?

17:29 Adam Yeah, why? Oh, what took so long? Oh, he was 19. Yeah, still seems kind of late. Derek?

17:36 Caller Yeah, what's up?

17:37 Adam You're 23?

17:38 Caller Yeah, I got a quick question for Dr. Drew. I am engaged to a girl now, she's 21, I'm 23. She has a 28-month-old little boy, and the dad is... You couldn't call him a complete deadbeat. He's kind of in and out of his life and spurts. And when I was going to high school, and actually my ex-girlfriend, they all, a lot of my friends whose dads weren't around, they had a lot of psychological problems. And my question is, if there's anything I can do for AJ to maybe make it a little bit easier on him not having his dad around.

18:12 Drew Yeah, you can be the dad.

18:13 Adam Let me say this.

18:13 Drew And certainly not leave.

18:14 Adam I'm trying to take a guess where Hamid's dad was.

18:18 Drew Yeah.

18:19 Adam Not around.

18:19 Drew Yeah. And one of the things that...

18:22 Caller I definitely plan on being there for him. I mean, I do everything for him.

18:24 Drew Yeah, but you got to really, you have to commit yourself to being the father, being in this kid's life every single day from now on, no S, and that's it. But listen, the one thing that research has shown about fathers and kids who don't have fathers is they... The one universal finding is the males have extreme difficulty containing aggression. They never learn to contain their aggression. And you being there will help him do that and help him just role model you. The fact that he's a band... If he were a two-year-old girl, there would be more of an impact, frankly.

18:57 Adam If he were a two-year-old girl, dude...

19:00 Drew The dad leaving and you not being the biological father would leave a little bit on the female. But on the guy, they tend to adjust to this one. If the mom had gone, the kid would have been affected.

19:12 Adam Let's put it this way. When there's a two-year-old girl and the dad leaves, her boyfriend or husband or whoever pays the price. When it's a two-year-old boy and the dad leaves, society pays the price. Yeah?

19:29 Drew Yep.

19:30 Adam Thank you.

19:30 Drew Except the men again seem to be able to respond to a surrogate. If the stepdad steps in, they get it together. If it's a good stepdad.

19:39 Adam Yeah. No, I mean, that's what happened with me. My dad moved out, but Zorbach stepped in. Pot-smoking hippie loser.

19:52 Drew What does this guy look like?

19:53 Caller What does he look like?

19:58 Adam Pictured Jimmy Gnatowski with a beard and ponytail. It just smelled like hemp and hash oil. And he's hippie. My mom was a hippie.

20:11 Drew Those childhood memories. Aren't they, Quain?

20:13 Adam The sense of the house. The house became a flop house. It's a bunch of super loser guys. I mean, imagine, imagine guys like in their later 30s, early 40s, just sort of flopping. You know, I mean, people are essentially bums back then. It was cool.

20:30 Drew It was the cool thing to do.

20:30 Adam You didn't want to drop out. Just drop out, man.

20:33 Drew Don't remember. Don't shower. Don't bathe.

20:36 Adam To remember it. I was living in it.

20:38 Drew No.

20:39 Adam It's like don't clean anything. Don't do anything. I mean, you know, here's the whole thing. You guys remember grunge like, you know, Kurt Cobain grunge. That was nothing. That was nothing. This was real grunge. This was filth.

20:54 Drew This was you walk by people, these hippie guys, and they would, they'd knock you over with their smell.

20:59 Adam I mean, the mid-90s and early 90s grunge was, I'm going to go out to Abercrombie and Fitch, buy myself a nice plaid shirt, and then I'm going to wear the elbows down so it looks like they've worn through. This was a guy just wearing a potato sack with a boner.

21:16 Drew Right.

21:17 Adam Smell like sack.

21:19 Drew Yeah. Maybe that's where a lot of our street folks came from, ultimately. Makes sense.

21:24 Adam All right. I'm going to kill myself. You want to come with me?

21:27 Drew No. You can just go ahead.

21:28 Adam All right. We'll take a quick break. When we come back, we'll speak to Tina, 33-year-old boyfriend, can't keep boner anymore. We'll talk to her, she's 20 after this.

21:49 Caller Live 105, Alternative, San Francisco.

22:07 Adam Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. David Alan Greer is gonna be in here tomorrow night, or as I know him, dag.

22:16 Caller Ooh, maybe.

22:18 Adam Yeah.

22:18 Drew Yeah. He's canceled a couple of times.

22:20 Adam No, he canceled once. Or was it more than once? Yeah, twice. Well, you know, he used to be my main man, but if he cancels again, he's going to be in my dog house. Yeah?

22:34 Drew Yeah. That's what I'm talking about.

22:38 Adam Hopefully he just got dumped by some hooker or something and he comes in here fired up because he's never-

22:43 Drew That's a good bet.

22:43 Adam He's always at his funniest, nuttiest when he just gets dumped. People don't know how crazy that guy really is.

22:51 Drew Anyone listen to that one show about six months ago knows.

22:54 Adam Yeah, he is nuts.

22:56 Drew That was about six months ago?

22:58 Adam No, that was about a year.

22:59 Drew Is that a year ago?

22:59 Adam A year plus ago, I think.

23:00 Drew Broke up with a girlfriend who had been hosing around town without her knowledge.

23:05 Adam Sleeping with a bunch of her clients and his friends. Yeah, well, she was like a publicist or something and she was getting it on with her clients and I guess David found out about everything.

23:16 Drew It was bad times for him.

23:18 Adam Bad times for him, but good times for us and the listeners.

23:21 Drew Oh boy.

23:24 Adam Tina?

23:26 Drew Hi.

23:28 Okay, I'm 20 years old, my boyfriend's just about ready to turn 33 here on Sunday and we tried having sex tonight and he just can't keep an erection and it's been kind of going on now for a little bit and it just kind of hurts my feelings because-

23:43 Drew Hold on a second, you confused me a little bit. When did you first try to have sex?

23:46 Adam Going on for a little bit?

23:47 Drew Yeah.

23:48 Yeah, it's been going on for like maybe, I don't know, two, three months now.

23:53 Drew When did you first try to have sex with him?

23:55 When did I try first having sex with him? We had sex yesterday.

24:04 Drew Didn't she tell the story as though this was something that had just happened and then she said it had been going on for a while now?

24:09 Adam Yeah.

24:09 Drew That's my confusion.

24:11 Adam Well, stop being confused. Cause I knew what she meant.

24:14 Drew What does she mean?

24:15 Adam Well, she just, what she's doing is she's trying to soft sell it like, oh my goodness, this happened and then this has been going on for some time. You know, as you scratch beneath the surface, you realize there's a little, maybe a little more here and she's been having some feelings about it. Like she's not feeling attractive. Tina?

24:34 Yeah, that's totally true.

24:35 Caller I mean, cause I'm not unattractive.

24:38 I mean, I'm not like, whoa, she's like really hot. But I'm like definitely pretty good looking for, I guess what I am.

24:46 Caller But, What are you? What are you?

24:50 Adam What are you?

24:52 I'm like half Asian, half Italian.

24:56 Adam Baby, you don't have to apologize for that. You're a little nutty, but I like that. That's a good combo. Let me tell you something. The Asians, they need to be cut just a little bit.

25:09 Drew Cut down.

25:09 Adam You need to step on them.

25:10 Drew I mean, cut with a little baby powder.

25:12 Adam They need to be stepped on. Yeah, like when you got some pure, you got some pure cocaine and you step onto it.

25:18 Drew Oh my.

25:18 Adam With a little baby laxative. You know what I'm saying?

25:21 Drew Yeah.

25:22 Adam That's when you get the mixture just right. And that's you, Tina.

25:26 Caller Oh, dang.

25:27 Adam Yeah. It's a good combo. That's that Eurasian.

25:31 Caller Yeah. Well, anyways, he used to smoke.

25:37 I mean, he's not smoke, like snort crystal meth. And he smokes a lot of cigarettes and he smokes pot. I don't smoke pot anymore because I get anxiety attacks from it. So I don't know if that's probably the reason why he's not.

25:52 Drew That's at least some of the reason. Certainly crystal can do it. He probably still doing a little speed or something. The pot can do it. Cigarettes absolutely can progressively restrict the blood supply to the penis and have ultimately a profound effect on the blood supply.

26:06 Adam What's up with this guy? What's he do for a living?

26:09 He is a heart runner, which basically he gets things from one company and he has to send it to another company.

26:17 Adam Does he physically drive it over there? Yeah. And listen, I love the way, I love the way you describe things. He has to send it. Now he doesn't, he doesn't send it. He schleps it.

26:29 Drew He's handed it and he gets in his car.

26:31 Adam It's on his, on his moped and he drives it across town. Like, like some sort of drunken mule. This guy's 33. I mean, this is, this is serious loser behavior here.

26:44 Caller Yeah.

26:46 Drew Yeah.

26:48 Caller I know, I know he's really bad.

26:49 Caller I know, but I really like him.

26:51 Adam Sure. What's not to love?

26:53 Drew And, and he's, he's not been, he's an untreated addict, Tina, untreated addict.

26:57 Adam What do you got going? What's wrong with you?

26:59 Drew Who can't keep an erection.

27:02 Caller I don't know, a lot, I guess.

27:03 Drew Evidently. Your dad was an alcoholic?

27:06 Caller No, he used to abuse me when I was little. He's, he's different now.

27:16 Drew All abusive guys like him.

27:17 Adam Is this the guy, the Italian one or the Asian one?

27:19 Caller He's Italian.

27:22 Drew Yeah, my son, I knew it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tina, he didn't drink when he used to be abusive to you?

27:28 Caller He used to drink, but I guess he would just started having, like, high blood pressure and stuff like that.

27:35 Drew All right, but that's what I'm talking about. He's an alcoholic and in his disease, he was abusive to you. And so now you're very attracted to alcoholic addicts.

27:42 Adam All right, look, this guy, this guy, this guy is a loser.

27:47 Caller Oh, I know, I know.

27:48 Adam All right, now look, look, just are you so scared to be on your own that you can't be without this guy for a few short months until you glom on to some other guy?

27:59 Caller No, yeah, I guess I can. Because, I mean, I went from a relationship that was, like, really good and I still really liked the guy that I dumped. And I kind of-

28:08 Drew Yeah, you dumped him because he was available, it was a real relationship, you can't tolerate that.

28:13 Adam This guy is no good. You need a little therapy. What are you doing with your life?

28:17 Caller I work as a retail clerk at, like, a company.

28:22 Drew At a company.

28:23 Caller Yeah.

28:23 Adam Fine, and listen, it doesn't matter, you're 20. You got 20 years before I'm gonna screw with you.

28:28 Drew Stop it, Sean.

28:29 Adam Plus you're Asian, so you got potential.

28:33 Drew Gap, Benetton, should we go with Benetton?

28:34 Adam Yeah, I got all those colors over there.

28:37 Drew What?

28:38 Caller I'm actually really stupid.

28:42 Adam No, no, no, no, no.

28:43 Drew No, that's not a cognitive thing, not an intellectual problem, it's an emotional problem.

28:46 Adam It helps, though, but no, this is just, your dad screwed you over, you're attracted to the wrong guys, and that's it, it's not about being stupid.

28:56 Drew How come people can't get the fact that attraction comes from trauma? They just can't, they can't get it. They can't get their head around it. It's nowhere in our culture, no one teaches it.

29:05 Adam No, no, that's all right, Drew.

29:09 Drew It's kind of frustrating, is it?

29:11 Adam It is, but then I, you know, then I start drinking. And it all goes away. All the troubles, all my troubles melt away. Pour myself a nice glass of red wine.

29:22 Drew You're going to be like one of my...

29:23 Adam I got TiVo and booze.

29:25 Drew You are my empire state building. When it comes time to treat you, it's going to be...

29:28 Adam TiVo and booze.

29:31 Drew I mean, it's going to be a monumental project.

29:33 Adam Forget about the booze, you were working on that TiVo. That's about 70 hours of that each day. I go home and I watch TiVo for about two hours, about an hour, 45 minutes when I come home at night. I watch about 180 hours of programming. I just watch like, I watch Modern Marvels on the building of the Golden Gate Bridge. It's an hour long show. I watch it in 14 seconds. Then I switch on, I watch whole movies, watch everything. Then I watch movies on DVD. I watched Smoking the Bandit 2 the other night. Took about 11 minutes. Jerry Reed's singing a song. Better fast forward through that.

30:20 Drew It's about the entire content.

30:22 Adam How dare you attack my Smoking the Bandit movies. Abraham?

30:27 Hey, hello?

30:28 Adam You're 18. Uh-oh, Bakersfield.

30:32 Caller Yeah.

30:33 Adam Yeah, that's trouble.

30:35 Caller Very much.

30:36 Adam You gotta think about getting out of there.

30:37 Caller We just played Bakersfield.

30:39 Drew I can't, somehow, is Abraham your real name?

30:42 Caller Yeah.

30:43 Drew Abraham and Bakersfield?

30:45 Adam They're gonna run you out of that town real soon.

30:46 Drew He's just stopping by.

30:48 Adam Yep, you're not long for that town.

30:50 Caller No, I'm not.

30:51 Adam All right, so what's up?

30:53 Caller I was just wondering how you and Drew get along outside of the show.

30:56 Drew Swimmingly.

30:58 Adam Yeah, well, let's put it this way. We talk on the cell phone on the ride home every night for 22 minutes.

31:06 Drew Because we don't do enough talking on the radio together.

31:09 Adam Yeah, I mean, you want to hear gay. Let me give you gay. We leave the radio station at 120... What do you think it is? 1202 and a half?

31:22 Drew At the latest.

31:23 Adam Yeah, you know, it's funny if we have to take a picture with somebody and get out of here at 1204. We're angry.

31:29 Drew Yeah.

31:29 Adam All right, so we leave here at about 1202 and a half, maybe 1203, get in our cars, my phone rings, and then Drew and I speak until I get into my kitchen. Once I get in proximity of my TiVo, then of course, I got my booze, my precious, or my medicine as I call it, and then my TiVo and that's it. But no, Drew, I am, by the way, and let this be a lesson to everybody. I don't know what kind of lesson, but I got two partners. One is Jimmy and one is Drew. And I get along great with both of them and still like, I mean, you know, I go to Jimmy's every Sunday for eight hours and watch football. I really enjoy hanging out with them. I really enjoy hanging out with Drew. You don't have to hate the people that are around you. You can surround yourself with good people and enjoy yourself. Every Abraham, that's why you need to get out of Bakersfield. There ain't no Jimmy's or Drew's in Bakersfield.

32:27 Caller No, you're right. There's not. All right.

32:30 Drew You see the Arabs lighten up the highway they're getting out of town.

32:34 Adam All right, buddy.

32:35 Caller Do you guys ever get in arguments outside?

32:37 Caller Have you ever done that before?

32:38 Drew No, our fights are on the air, almost without exception.

32:42 Adam We get in arguments. No, I'll tell you what we'll get in arguments about is once in a while Drew will try to undermine my authority when we're talking. Here's the thing, the way stuff traditionally gets done around here at Loveline is I've threatened not to come in at a certain point and Drew will always try to make it nice. Like when we wanted to move studios, Anderson said, could you push back your ultimatum date where you won't come in because I'm gonna be on vacation. I can't do that and Drew said, why can't you do that? And I said, because a date's a date and that's when I stopped coming in. Like I did with the security guard, by the way, trying to get a security guard for eight months. Cheap sons of bitches wouldn't get us one. Just walking out into a dark parking lot and walking out into the street every night. So eventually I just said, I'm not coming in after this date and lo and behold, it's really, it's great management, by the way. We just have, every time you want something, you have to threaten not to come in. Otherwise you won't get it. But anyway, Drew was saying to engineer Anderson, no, let's push the date back. Come on, Adam, blah, blah, blah. And that's what Drew does, he gets in the way.

33:51 Drew He doesn't like my- No, no, no, but he's right.

33:54 Adam No, no, listen. Listen, every three-toed sloth around here wouldn't move for anything.

34:01 No, the whole Loveline team was sticking up for me, except for you.

34:03 Adam Yeah, that's the team that's gonna die in that dump known as Westwood One. That's the team that couldn't move the goddamn show for a year and a half.

34:12 Drew What do you mean, team? Wait a second, Anderson, don't, blah, blah, blah. Don't personalize Anderson. What he is actually getting onto is actually a serious problem, which I'm very co-dependent, very. I don't set limits well. And if I, you know, I see somebody who needs something, I'm like, okay, let's help that guy. Therapy, therapy, therapy. Yes, sir. Well, I better not use to be.

34:32 Adam Drew's too good. But in the process of being too good, he's too bad.

34:36 Drew It undermines, that's right. It's not right. And I don't even know I'm doing it. And that's where you, you sort of think I have a sinister consciousness that's operating, like a stew inside me, operating the controls.

34:48 Adam Yeah. Then I just start yelling at Drew, listen, if you're not going to do anything, just shut up.

34:53 Drew Which is fine.

34:54 Adam Yeah. See, there you go.

34:56 Drew But you're better off with me just shutting up.

34:57 Adam Yeah, I am.

34:58 Drew To get stuff done, yeah.

34:59 Adam No, I mean, let's try that now. Ready, go. Okay. That's good. You know what I was thinking about the other day, someone was talking to me about, remember when your wife gave that crazy Asian guy my cell phone number so he could try to sell me knives? He called me Pan Pan. He called me Sunday morning at the nine o'clock. You know, once in a while, you start talking about a story that happened and there's ones you sort of waxing poetic about or nostalgic about or whatever. And then you start telling stories and you go, what the F was she thinking? What was that? She gave this guy who was barely a stranger to her. I mean, she knew the guy a little bit, but not too good. And this guy was the most obnoxious man ever born. And he wanted to sell Drew's wife some knives. So Drew's wife said, and he probably said, who else could I sell some knives to? And she said, how about Adam Carolla? And he said, fine. And she said, here's his cell phone number, which I now, while I was telling this story and getting outraged yesterday at the office, I was thinking, you know, I bet she went to Drew and Drew gave her that cell phone number.

36:04 Drew I'm trying to remember if that's in fact what happened. That does sound about right.

36:06 Adam And then this son of a bitch called me on Sunday morning. It was like nine something and wanted to get together. And I was like, who is this? I don't know who this is. Oh, you don't know me. I just want to sell you some knives. And then I finally agreed to buy some cleavers off this A-hole. And the guy just turned out to be a sociopath. Let's go buy some cleavers off him for like 120 bucks a piece. Let's buy one for me and one for Jimmy. And then he got so bent out of shape about the fact that I wasn't buying the Paul Bunyan set for eight grand. I finally told him to F off and I wasn't going to buy his crappy cleavers. And then he went nuts. What an idiot that guy is. Jesus Christ. What the hell is your wife giving my cell phone number for? Do you realize how crazy out of bounds that is? Do you realize how far your wife is spun out into the stratosphere? How about the fact that you gave her my number? You gotta, Drew.

37:05 Drew Not just remember, a guy's bringing knives into your house.

37:07 Adam Yeah, okay. Let me say this. Let me say this, please.

37:10 Drew He was a high school student in my kid's high school. Going off the brown, yes, yes.

37:16 Adam Oh God.

37:17 Drew He's now comes back every year and coaches my daughter in volleyball.

37:22 Adam Keep an eye on him because you're going to open a knife throwing act. Your daughter's going to be on a piece of spinning plywood while a pan pan throw a steak knife at her.

37:30 Drew Not just pan now.

37:31 Adam Not just pan. Jesus Christ, like they hate him with a frying pan. That driving me nuts. All right, but anyway, here's my point, Drew. Your wife's a little nutty, fine. That's your thing. You dig it. Fine. That's good. I can see that. Everyone's got their own thing going on. That's fine. You though, being the sane one of the two have to realize like you need like a safe word for society. You know what I mean? Like, hey, my wife's a little nutty. She doesn't really have boundaries. She likes to just sort of steamroll. She does her own thing. Fine. That's her thing. You're attracted to it. And like I said, I can see that. But you're the one who has to slide in as the voice of reality when she starts wanting to give Pan Pan my cell phone numbers so you can sell me knives Sunday morning.

38:15 Drew I don't have good boundaries either. And that's the problem.

38:17 Adam But no, no, no. But that's, see, you're the sane one. You're the sane one of the group. That's where you guys start thinking.

38:23 Drew Both of us need to have better boundaries.

38:26 Adam Well, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't blame her. Like with her, it's like, you know, animals escaped from the zoo. You don't blame the animal. You got to build a bigger fence. Well, I mean, look, she does her thing. She does her thing. Do you know what I'm saying?

38:40 Drew No.

38:41 Adam She does her thing like, like, like, like the, the animal, the zoo does her thing. They do their thing. You're not going to stop her from doing her thing.

38:47 Drew You know, it hurts her very much to hear you talk about her like this.

38:50 Adam Well, she, someone should say some, she should hear this. She does her thing.

38:55 Drew What does that mean?

38:56 Adam I mean, she's, she's got energy. She's going to do her thing. I, I don't, I don't look, I, and I, here's what, here's what I'm saying.

39:03 Drew You like lap dogs?

39:04 Adam No, no, no. Here's what I'm saying. I'm saying, I don't want to, I don't mean to say, I don't want to launch off into too big attack. What I'm saying is, is I appreciate your wife for the kind of person she is. She's fun to hang around with. She's got her good qualities. I can see why you're attracted to her. And I see all that stuff in her. I also see that, that she's set in her ways for lack of a better term. Yes, we all should strive to be better, but I don't, I'm not going to put that kind of pressure on her. I look at her as she's her, that's her. She does what she does. And we all know people that are this way, by the way.

39:37 Drew You love them.

39:38 Adam You hang out with them, but there's people that just do what they do.

39:41 Drew Right, right.

39:42 Adam I'm putting your wife into that category.

39:45 Drew But that's my problem too, because I do what I do too.

39:47 Adam Yes, you do, but I think you have more potential for lateral movement.

39:51 Drew Okay.

39:51 Adam And at least should have more. I hold you to a slightly higher standard.

39:56 Drew Okay.

39:57 Adam That's what I'm saying. And for someone who's been through as much, read as much and done as much as you, you should have a little light going off in your head when she's asking for my cell number. So Pan Pan can sell me a knife knife. Yes?

40:13 Drew Cleaver Cleaver.

40:14 Adam All right. We're gonna take a break, then we're gonna take calls after this. Hey, yo, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. David Alan Greer, my main man, is going to be in here tomorrow night. God willing, it's canceled a few times. Let's straighten him out, bring him down to earth. He's all pumped up because he's on Life With Bonnie, and they gave him like an extra word and a half to say this episode, this season.

40:57 Drew Huge star now.

40:58 Adam Big star. I think he's big time.

41:01 Drew He can't be spending his time with us.

41:03 Adam We'll straighten him out tomorrow night. Alex?

41:06 What's going on, Adam?

41:07 Adam You're 20.

41:08 Yeah, I have a question for Dr. Drew.

41:10 Adam Yeah?

41:11 It's concerning, yeah, I heard about this product on sports radio. It's called TheraPen, and supposedly it makes your penis bigger.

41:20 Drew Oh, it must be true then. It has to be true.

41:24 No, actually, the reason why I'm curious about it is because, you know, they claim that it's been FDA approved, and basically, you do some exercises when your penis is not erect.

41:36 Drew We had this guy call, we had a guy call last night about this.

41:38 Adam Yeah. Look, here's the thing. If you want to dangle a weight from the end of your dork, it will make it longer eventually.

41:48 Caller Well, actually, it's on a weight. I mean, it's an exercise that you do when you're...

41:52 Adam It's called tugging off. Don't bother with any of this nonsense. So it is all... Just please, everybody.

42:00 Drew The guy last night had a larger penis that wouldn't get hard, if you recall. That was the call last night. So it's not necessarily good for you.

42:07 Adam Yeah.

42:07 Drew It wouldn't get completely too messy anyway.

42:10 Adam Speaking of blowhards, let's turn on some sports radio. They usually get the ultimate pull of hard. The guys that have to start every sentence with, I'm going to be honest with you. I'm going to tell you the truth, and I'll be honest with you. Peyton Manning is in the top five of NFL quarterbacks playing in this league right now. That's right, I said it. I'm honest with you. I'm opening phone lines. Oh, shut up. You ever tune in to these guys?

42:35 Drew Yeah, I know. I don't like it.

42:36 Adam What are they talking about?

42:38 Drew I don't know. I know only the guys that could listen to sports talk very much.

42:44 Adam I always love it when, well, first off, I love it when the guys refer to the team as we. I love it when the fans are we. And then I love the guys who call in and want to rearrange the lineup when they go, you know, yeah, we're we're feeling pretty good about our victory over Cleveland Monday night. I think if we took Isaac Bruce and moved him out into the flanker position and then started Warner, we could like what we you live at your mom's house and play play with yourself most of the day and then the rest of the day spent playing electronic battleship. What do you mean we?

43:26 Caller As soon as they lose, though, they always say they.

43:28 Adam Yeah. Well, what happened with the Rams? What happened with your Rams?

43:32 Caller Well, they lost.

43:33 Adam They didn't execute. They didn't listen to what I said. And then they win. It's we again. And they just sit around talking about bizarre hypotheticals over and over and over again. And then the sports talk starts where the baseball season ended 10 minutes ago. They're always talking about we may get Pedro Martinez during the offseason. It's all this offseason discussion they're having this goddamn season is not going to start for three months. Really? Is anyone can anyone care about a season that has like 160 something games in it? Really Pivotal Game 28 out of the 168 163 or 167 or whatever? Jesus Christ. Listen everyone, just play the sports and watch some football on the Sundays. You don't have to call in the goddamn radio shows. Jason?

44:24 Yeah, this is Jason. Hey, how are you guys doing?

44:26 Adam Hey, you're 20. What's up?

44:27 Caller All right. Let me tell you the problem and then I'll ask you my question. The problem is it takes me anywhere from I'd say 30 minutes to an hour to finish when I'm having sex.

44:38 Adam I'll be totally honest with you, Drew. I'm saying Jason's taken too long to come there. I said it. Okay. I'm going to be up front with our callers tonight. I'm glad we got thanks, Jason. Line one. So that went to they got to punch everyone out, go everywhere every 10 seconds because they don't have anything to say. Joanne. Yeah. You're with the guys. Hey, let me be honest with you. Teacher stares at you. I'm going to be honest with you. That's out of line. Thanks, Joanne. Let's hop the line. Let's go to the hotline. Emily. Yeah. Line three. You and your friend began boozing at age 14. I don't condone. Let me be honest with you. I'm going to be straight out front. I'm going to say this, Drew. I don't care what anyone says. Not, not appropriate for 14 year olds to be alcoholics. There you go. You heard it. I said it. We're going to stand by it. I know I'm going to get flack for it. It's the other thing too. This imaginary flack. Right. Yeah. Because.

45:30 Drew Because it's so important.

45:31 Adam Yeah.

45:33 Caller Yeah.

45:33 Adam Yeah. Yeah. You're, you're starting Ricky Williams in your fantasy football league. You're going to get a lot of flack.

45:41 Caller What the hell are you? How old are you guys?

45:45 Adam You're adult males. Are you not? Jason.

45:49 Caller Yeah.

45:51 Drew 45 minutes. It's half hour to 60 minutes.

45:53 Caller Oh, yeah.

45:54 Drew Are you on medication?

45:55 Caller No, no, no. This isn't even, you know, this is just the beginning. The question is, am I doing anything that could hurt the woman like in the long run? Like.

46:04 Drew Yes, it's not going to. Yes, you can.

46:06 Adam You could blow a hole out of the back of her lower spine.

46:09 Drew You certainly can irritate the heck out of things. And I guess could presuppose, well, certainly urinary tract infections and again, I need to ask some questions. Any medical problems?

46:18 Caller No, not at all.

46:19 Drew And how long does it take you when you're by yourself?

46:21 Caller Probably like 10 minutes, 15 minutes. I mean, when I'm by myself, I mean, I don't just start out of nowhere, you know, I'm already pretty excited. You know what I mean?

46:32 Drew When you're by yourself.

46:33 Caller Yeah, like I'd be, you know, watching some porn or something and getting excited. So then I'd crack one off.

46:38 Drew Yeah.

46:38 Adam Yeah, but 15 minutes ain't cracking one off. That's dragging one.

46:43 Caller 15 minutes. I'd say somewhere around 10. Isn't that what I?

46:46 Drew Well, you need to apply the Corolla method. What? Time-honored Corolla method of masturbation. Sex is good, but it's not the real thing. So bring around sex to the real thing.

46:56 Adam See if you can shave a few minutes off that masturbation.

47:00 Drew But and then whatever technique you use.

47:02 Adam Yeah. Get in that position.

47:03 Drew All right.

47:03 Adam We'll take a break. We'll be back.

47:05 Caller All right, guys.

47:06 Drew Here's the deal. Look in the hookup.

47:08 Caller Call the Dateline.

47:09 Caller Stick a waist in time with the wrong person.

47:10 Caller Call the Dateline.

47:11 Caller One call is all you need to make.

47:13 Caller Call the Dateline.

47:36 Adam You, Loveline, I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191, David Alan Greer, also known as My Main Man, is gonna be in here tomorrow night, talking about life with Bonnie, and probably plugging some crappy gig he's doing somewhere. Where's he always at?

47:58 Drew Irvine Improv? Irvine Improv, yeah.

47:59 Adam What the hell's wrong with him? Doesn't he know he has a TV show? He's schleppin out the Irvine. He doesn't like people.

48:07 Drew He does. He gets to practice his craft.

48:09 Adam What craft? He stand up there and hack up a bunch of crappy jokes you told last week. Does anyone need that? Who needs that?

48:17 Caller I've seen a lot of big names there.

48:18 Adam It's a good place. All right. I don't trust guys who do stand-up, but they don't have to. The other guy's got money. Why's he schleppin it? Could you imagine?

48:26 Drew He enjoys it. He enjoys it, Adam.

48:31 Adam People like heroin, and they like to be sodomized with bowling pins.

48:34 Drew That's right.

48:34 Adam Hey, they like it. It's their thing.

48:35 Drew They do.

48:36 Adam Who are we to question? Can't question.

48:38 Drew Just because you don't like it, it's all the same.

48:40 Adam It's all the same. Yeah, you can't question, Drew. All right, you ready to move forward? Yeah. Thursday, Friday, you know, he's probably doin it Thursday through Sunday, doin two shows. Ugh, I had to eat a bullet before I did anything like that. Could you imagine? Yeah. What a crap down, what a horrible weekend. Hey, but go out and see him, right? Sarah?

49:03 Hello?

49:04 Adam Yeah.

49:05 Yes.

49:06 Adam What's up?

49:07 Caller Who am I talking to? I was just gonna hold for like a minute, and I was listening to the voices on the hold.

49:13 Adam That's us, you're talkin to us.

49:16 Caller So I'm calling about, did I tell you what I'm calling about?

49:21 Adam No, just tell us, please, please, come on.

49:23 Caller Okay, well I'm calling about the question in regards to use of condoms, and at the same time, use of birth control, and probability of being pregnant.

49:32 Drew Zero, zero. Birth control pill, are you overweight or anything?

49:36 Caller No.

49:38 Drew And what pill are you taking?

49:39 Caller Orthotri-cycline.

49:41 Drew Just with the pill, your chances are essentially zero. You had the condom and now it's been- Approaching zero. And you had the condom, now it is zero.

49:51 Caller Uh-huh.

49:51 Drew It's zero, no way you're gonna get pregnant on condom.

49:54 Caller With both, it's impossible to get pregnant?

49:56 Drew Virtually, I mean, it would be in immaculate, because God himself would have to reach down and impregnate you.

50:01 Caller Right. Yeah.

50:05 Drew If you, listen, let's put a bit of a, hang on a second.

50:07 Adam Sarah, it's a viable option.

50:08 Drew Yeah, Sarah, here's the deal. If you, if you are, listen to me. Shut up. If you are still anxious, in spite of birth control and condom, you should not be having sex. Pardon me? If you are-

50:18 Adam No, no, no, no, that's not, what's up with her?

50:22 Caller Is she like distracted or stupid?

50:24 Drew Super anxious, crazy anxious.

50:26 Adam Here's the whole thing about all these anxious people. Listen, don't ask the questions. People get so anxious, they're like, well, is it gonna, is it gonna? And you go, no, no, it's not gonna happen. But well, but could it? No, no, no, no, it's not. About the fifth time you tell them the same thing, then just, let's just hang up on them. Do you really want an answer to your goddamn question if you can't hear it?

50:47 Drew And hopefully she's listening, because God knows that she may be listening to Martin's last night show. But if she's still anxious, in spite of birth control pills, Sarah, Sarah, if you're still anxious in spite of birth control pills and condom, you should not be having sex.

51:02 Caller If you're what now, you should not be having sex. If you're doing what and using what, you should not be having sex.

51:06 Drew If in spite of, listen carefully.

51:09 Caller I'm listening to Dr. Drew.

51:10 Drew In spite of, that's obvious. Using birth control pills and wearing a condom, you are still fearful of pregnancy, you should not be having sex. You are not ready for that. You are too anxious. There's something about it that's very troubling to you. You need to get some therapy before you go down the road. Just individual psychotherapy.

51:38 Adam What do you got going? Quiet, quiet. Now, what's going on? Are you, do you have any children?

51:48 Caller I have an abortion.

51:51 Adam Had an abortion.

51:52 Drew And you're worried about that.

51:53 Adam All right. And you have a boyfriend?

51:55 Caller Not currently.

51:58 Adam Not currently. Now, you seem kind of anxious, maybe even a little neurotic. Do people tell you that?

52:06 Caller Not often, no.

52:07 Adam Right, but they're just, they're not being truthful.

52:10 Drew As it pertains to this issue, I'm very anxious.

52:13 Adam Right.

52:13 Drew Now, maybe it's your feelings about the abortion that you have trouble with, but yeah.

52:19 Adam How's life going for you? Fair.

52:23 Drew You're 28, right? You sound about 16.

52:28 Adam 15.

52:29 Caller Oh, I have a very high voice.

52:32 Adam No.

52:33 Caller I work with, I don't know why, if the S people tell me that all the time, I have a high voice.

52:36 Drew Well, because something happened to you, something traumatized you growing up. What happened?

52:41 Caller Oh, what happened growing up? Um, it just to be your basic stuff. I mean, family things.

52:47 Drew Were you sexually abused?

52:49 Caller No. Um, no, I was not sexually abused. I was not sexually abused, but there were other problems.

52:59 Adam Yeah, physical abuse?

53:01 Caller I watched siblings be physically abused.

53:04 Adam Uh-huh, so like a drunken dad?

53:08 Caller Not drunken, but enraged. Uh-huh.

53:12 Drew Did you see somebody killed or something horrible?

53:14 Adam Well, wait a minute, he didn't abuse you, he just abused siblings?

53:17 Caller Um, I don't recall exactly.

53:22 Drew I'm sure you got caught in the crossfire.

53:24 Adam Okay, well, a little therapy for you there, Sarah. And when I say a little, I mean like 15 years.

53:29 Drew 15 years, yeah, 15 years.

53:30 Caller Well, yeah, and I've actually been doing a lot of therapy like that.

53:33 Adam Okay, good. You'll be fine then. That's enough, we're cool.

53:38 Caller Well, you're good. Yeah.

53:40 Adam Just get the therapy. You'll be good. That's all you need. I'm not gonna fix anything tonight.

53:45 Drew No.

53:46 Adam She doesn't have a boyfriend, so I'm not worried about her getting pregnant. By the way, we never really talk about this, but being a kid and seeing a sibling being physically abused gotta be horrifying.

54:00 Drew Yeah. I mean, Terror is the experience of trauma. That's it. You get terrorized, you're being traumatized. Your brain is changed by that when you're growing up.

54:10 Adam Yeah. It's also how Barbara Walters pronounces where the chick lived and gone with the wind, by the way.

54:21 Drew Terror.

54:23 Adam Jacob, you know, I was watching Barbara Walters. Who the hell was she? I can't remember who she's doing an interview with, but I'm gonna come with it, but it'll come to me in a minute, but she kept ending the girl's name with an R, and the person's name is like Lisa, and it's called Lisa. I don't know, I'll figure out the name, I'll figure out who it was before the night's over, and it just cracked me up, and the part that cracks me up is none of the producers pipe up and go, hey, Barbara, listen.

54:53 Drew Sounds all right.

54:53 Adam It's not Lisa. Hey, Jacob. Yeah?

55:00 Caller Hello?

55:00 Adam What's going on over there? You got the American Indian over there doing some sort of ceremony in your living room?

55:06 Caller No, I'm just watching The Simpsons.

55:08 Adam Oh, really?

55:09 Caller Yeah.

55:10 Adam Which Simpsons is on?

55:11 Caller I don't even know. From one where they pick up his dad, Homer's dad, and then they like, I don't know, they got stranded in the jungle. I got all into it though.

55:21 Drew With the dad.

55:22 Adam You got all into it?

55:24 Caller Yeah, yeah.

55:25 Drew You can't describe it to somebody.

55:27 Caller No, I just started watching it right now because I got bored of holding you.

55:30 Adam All right, buddy.

55:32 Caller Yeah, but all right. I got this question, you know, I was like, my girlfriend likes it, like I shaved on there, you know? Yeah, and like, I got this bump for a while, like just one, it wasn't, you know how sometimes you get like a little rash, like razor rash? And I was listening to it last time and they said put deodorant on, so I tried it.

55:54 Adam Who said that?

55:55 Caller Deodorant? Yeah, some, I don't know, some girl on your show who said put deodorant on and I grabbed like, you know, I put deodorant on, it's like aftershave again.

56:04 Drew I guarantee you, I promise you no one said that.

56:06 Caller Oh, I swear, I was listening to this.

56:08 Drew No, I'm talking about the benzoyl peroxide, he told me.

56:11 Caller No, that's what the girl said on this.

56:14 Adam All right, hold on, but first off, you're listening through Jacob's ears, which are like a cheesecloth wrapped around a sponge. You know what I mean?

56:25 Caller Yeah.

56:28 Adam Jacob's not, I would love to show him a movie and then him describe to me what he saw at the end of the movie.

56:33 Drew We just got a load of that with The Simpsons.

56:35 Adam So Jacob.

56:36 Caller Yeah.

56:37 Drew And by the way, he was all into that.

56:38 Adam Jacob, what are you doing? Do you smoke pot?

56:41 Caller No, I've tried it a couple of times. I do a lot of nozzles. What?

56:46 Adam A lot of nitrous? Yeah. Let me tell you, Jacob, you gotta be careful, buddy.

56:52 Caller Yeah.

56:53 Adam Because let me tell you something, you need your brain. You need it to tie your shoes. You need it to shave your nuts. You may even use it to get a job one day.

57:04 Caller True, true.

57:05 Adam See what I'm saying? Yeah, that's your satellite dish, buddy. And you don't want to be 25 years old and only getting three channels. You know what I mean?

57:15 Caller Yeah, I know what you mean. All right, buddy.

57:18 Adam Yeah, well.

57:19 Caller Yeah, and I got like this one bump, you know?

57:22 Adam On your ball sack.

57:23 Caller No, like.

57:24 Adam That's your brain.

57:25 Caller No, like on the pubic area, you know?

57:27 Caller All right, yeah, you got the bump.

57:29 Drew You got an abscess there, huh?

57:30 Caller Yeah, and like when I popped it once, you know? Like, I don't know, it looked like a zit kind of, but like some cream stuff came out. I don't know, it looked nasty though, and then.

57:40 Drew Yeah, that cream stuff is called pus.

57:42 Caller Yeah, pus.

57:43 Adam I don't know, wait a minute, it's at the police.

57:45 Drew Yeah, that's him. Listen, I've dealt with these people in the county hospitals. That's what you got. The human body is like some sort of mysterious instrument that belongs to NASA. Completely cannot process it.

58:05 Adam Got Tarta running NASA. Jacob. Yeah. Please listen to me. I don't care about your pussy balls. Would you turn the TV off and read a book every once in a while and stop huffing the nitrous? Please. Please. What? You know what? Start watching the Discovery. Can you watch the Discovery channel every once in a while?

58:24 Caller I watch it every day.

58:25 Adam You do?

58:26 Caller Yeah.

58:26 Adam What do you watch? History, what do you watch?

58:28 Caller History and Discovery.

58:30 Adam Oh yeah?

58:31 Caller Yeah.

58:32 Adam Great. You just watch for the commercials or what are you looking for?

58:34 Caller I watch it because I like it. It's cool. All right.

58:37 Adam That's good.

58:37 Drew Is your abscess gone?

58:39 Caller Huh?

58:39 Drew Is the abscess gone now? Has it healed up?

58:42 Caller Yeah, it's gone already. But I was wondering like, you know, what is it, you know?

58:46 Drew Abscess. You're lucky. With a carbuncle.

58:48 Adam You watch modern marvels? What do you watch?

58:53 Caller History and like sometimes that, you know, that guy with an accent, Crocodile Hunter, that sounds pretty cool.

59:00 Adam Yeah, but no other show. You don't know any of the shows you watch on either one of the channels?

59:05 Caller No, I'm really, you know, I just watch them.

59:07 Drew So you watch like any period of history?

59:10 Caller Yeah, like with Hitler and stuff like that.

59:12 Caller Yeah, I know a lot about that.

59:15 Caller Yeah, I'm smart. I just started doing that.

59:17 Adam You may know more than Kelly Osborne.

59:20 Drew I'm a military expert that called it, remember that?

59:23 Adam Okay, who are the allied in the Axis powers?

59:27 Caller In the what?

59:28 Drew Oh, man, you're 16.

59:30 Adam All right, no, you don't know that at 16. The good guys and the bad guys.

59:35 Caller Well, it was Germany and then the United States and Asia. Asia was with Germany for a while, but then, you know, they like split up kind of because Hitler betrayed them.

59:46 Adam Japan, yeah.

59:48 Caller And then the Jews were the guys that they would beat up and burn.

59:51 Adam All right, all right, you got a good, you got a good handle on it.

59:55 Caller Oh, boy.

59:59 Adam He's got a handle on it.

1:00:00 Caller Yeah, he's smart.

1:00:01 Adam It was the Jews against Asia.

1:00:06 Caller Oh, boy.

1:00:07 Adam All right, just keep them, keep them sharp things away from your sack. Or on second thought. Reproduce wouldn't be the world's worst idea. Oh, by the way, I came up with my Barbara Walters. She did a whole story on Kelly Ripa from Regis and whatever TV show she has and all that. And never stopped saying Kelly Ripper. Kelly Ripper was born and Kelly Ripper grew up in. Kelly Ripper is the mother of three. And it's like nobody ever said, and this is how you know you got to be a bitch. No one raises their hand and goes, hey, hey, hey, Babs. It's not Kelly Ripper. Ripper, Ripper's a name. It's Ripper.

1:00:54 Drew She's the mother of three, Kelly.

1:00:58 Adam She just can't say I'm being home. No, it's just, and by the way, I know people have their own accent. They say words their own way, but when you're saying a name, you're actually changing the person's doesn't have the same name anymore.

1:01:14 Drew That's right.

1:01:14 Adam It's no longer Ripper.

1:01:15 Drew It's Ripper. Yeah.

1:01:17 Adam Like if you're looking for in the phone book, you wouldn't find her.

1:01:19 Drew That's like Jack Ripper, Roper, like Roper.

1:01:22 Adam It's Roper.

1:01:23 Yeah.

1:01:24 Adam Joanne?

1:01:25 Yeah.

1:01:26 Adam You're 14?

1:01:27 Caller Yeah.

1:01:28 Adam What's up?

1:01:31 Caller Like whenever I'm sitting inside my math class, the teacher that's like right down the hall has his sleep period and I sit right in the front row. And so like he can walk in and start talking to my teacher and just like stare at me.

1:01:51 Adam And does he look at anybody else or it just seems like he's looking at you?

1:01:55 Caller Just me.

1:01:57 Drew How often does that happen?

1:01:58 Caller Like every time he enters the room that I'm in.

1:02:02 Drew Oh, well that explains it.

1:02:03 Adam Oh, so it's about two and a half, three, yeah, how often though?

1:02:08 Caller Um, probably like two times a day.

1:02:10 Drew Twice a day every day.

1:02:12 Adam Twice, he comes in your math class?

1:02:15 Drew And sits there and stares?

1:02:16 Adam Twice a day?

1:02:18 Caller Well, not twice, just my math class, like once in my math class and then once when I'm in like student aid or whatever.

1:02:24 Adam So he comes in and just stares at you?

1:02:27 Caller Doesn't like come and just stare at me, but like he'll be talking to someone and just like keep looking at me.

1:02:35 Adam Does he ever talk to you?

1:02:37 Caller No.

1:02:38 Drew Well, fine, keep it that way.

1:02:40 Adam Are you attractive? I mean, here's what I'm saying. Sometimes there's just attractive people no matter what age they are and they tend to catch your eye.

1:02:55 Drew Yeah, man's eyes will go to that.

1:02:56 Adam Women will do it too.

1:02:58 Drew Mindlessly.

1:02:59 Adam Yeah, just mindlessly. If there's a very pretty blonde girl or something sitting in the front thing, a guy will just look at her. It doesn't mean anything. It's just sort of the way you're, it's the way a cat looks at stuff that's moving around in the yard.

1:03:13 Drew On the house, running around the yard or something.

1:03:15 Adam Yeah, I didn't want to say that because that means they're gonna go after it. I just mean they're on alert. They know what's going on. They just not talk to you. Why are you so freaked out? I mean, I can understand you having feelings about it, but you sound like traumatized by it.

1:03:36 Caller I'm not the only person that he's done that to.

1:03:40 Adam That he's looked at?

1:03:42 Caller What?

1:03:43 Adam You're not the only person he's looked at?

1:03:45 Caller Yeah. Like last year, a girl had to start wearing a sweatshirt in his classroom.

1:03:53 Adam You had to or someone else did? A friend of yours? Because he was staring at their breasts?

1:04:02 Caller Yeah.

1:04:05 Adam And they had... Here's the problem. There's really nothing you can do about people looking at you. Yeah. If the guy offers you a ride home, don't accept it.

1:04:18 Drew Right. Don't be alone in a room with him.

1:04:20 Adam If he makes any bizarre overtures or wants to go out to lunch with you or anything, don't accept it.

1:04:29 Drew And we're not saying that it's respectful or a great thing either.

1:04:32 Adam I'm just saying, we're just living in the real world.

1:04:34 Caller Yeah, there's nothing you can do about it.

1:04:40 Adam Is anything ever happened to you?

1:04:43 Drew No.

1:04:44 Adam No, you get along, your dad's good, your family's good, everything's good? Okay, are you doing all right in school and everything? Okay, well, why don't you just try to ignore him as best you can, and if he ever says anything or does anything, you just tell him no, and then you go talk to the principal about it. That's all you can do. Yeah, I don't know, I'm not sure what percentage of guys that stare at chicks and creep them out actually do anything. I'm guessing it's a pretty low percentage.

1:05:20 Drew Let's say 96% of males do that at some point.

1:05:25 Adam Well, here's the other thing too. Usually if a guy's a perv and he's gonna make a move, he makes the move. He does something at some point. They act on it. It's like if your cellmate in prison is planning on killing you, he probably does it the first week you're there. He's not gonna wait till your fifth year. You know what I mean? And I don't know how these statistics work, but when guys make their move, guys who do this kind of thing, they do it. So the fact that he's not doing anything should suggest that. You ever have any weird teachers, Drew?

1:06:02 Drew Not really. The one guy that kept his hands in his pants all the time, that was strange.

1:06:07 Adam Really?

1:06:07 Drew Yeah.

1:06:08 Adam In his pants?

1:06:09 Drew Yeah, he alleged it was to warm his hands. I mean, learn.

1:06:12 Adam He would slide him down the front of his pants, like under his belt?

1:06:15 Drew Not down to his groin, but just under his belt. Yeah, like he'd wear sweats and just do this all the time.

1:06:20 Adam What the hell is going on? Why, by the way, why give 16-year-olds ammunition?

1:06:28 Drew You know what I mean?

1:06:29 Adam You're Mr. Hand, Mr. Hand on the dork, you know, like, hey, Sir Tug's a lot. You know what I mean? Like, why are you even giving them anything?

1:06:40 Drew Yeah.

1:06:41 Adam I just realized most every one of my teachers is just a horrendous loser with their own weird problems, just effed up, just screw balls. I mean, that's LA Unified School District. So you got sort of the, you know, you got the bottom of the barrel. But I was, I got a couple of decent people, but I got some real a-holes.

1:07:02 Drew I can also remember some sort of seventh, eighth grade teachers hanging out a little bit strangely with the co-eds. Like hanging out and sitting down the patio with them for like in the after, it's like a little like boundary. In retrospect, profound boundary issues, but it seemed like in the, the games back in the seventies was like, that's cool, that's cool, whatever they did. Yeah, I had a, I had a cool teacher.

1:07:23 Adam It was, it was clear, by the way, when I was in junior high, that there was a couple of male teachers that liked the ladies.

1:07:31 Drew Junior high. They weren't the high school teachers, junior high teachers.

1:07:34 Adam It's a very valid point. It's very valid because when I was in high school, there weren't any of those guys. It was the guys who liked the 13, 14, 15 year olds. And to the best of my knowledge, you never, oh, there was, yeah, there was a couple of stories about guys doing stuff. And there was, yeah, there was around there. Yeah, it was out there. But yeah, nothing in high school, but junior high. Interesting. But by the way, as a 13 year old, it was understood. I mean, it was like, listen, I'm staring at her jugs too. She's hot. Of course you're, yeah, you're sitting in front of class. Why wouldn't you? Kids don't really judge that much.

1:08:16 Drew Especially the boys. They haven't had the boundaries set up yet.

1:08:21 Adam Take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:08:25 Caller Loveline, we'll be right back.

1:08:27 Adam Thanks. GIO yeah, Loveline, I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Dear, dear friend and main man, David Alan Greer coming in here tomorrow night. We'll hop back to the phones. What do you say, Drew? Feeling good about that?

1:08:51 Caller Yeah.

1:08:53 Adam All right. Next week, by the way, Jet, Huba Stank and Michelle Branch in here. Some big time talent coming in the studio.

1:09:05 Caller All right, keep on going.

1:09:08 Adam Jill.

1:09:10 Caller Hello.

1:09:10 Adam Hello.

1:09:15 Drew This is where you talk.

1:09:17 Caller Oh, sorry.

1:09:18 I have a question. My boyfriend has only lasted the longest for about four minutes and 30 seconds. And I was wondering if that was normal because my friend said that it's not.

1:09:32 Drew You wonder what?

1:09:33 Adam Four minutes, 30 seconds is his record? How do you, and by the way, how do you time that? How do you get to the end of the seconds part?

1:09:46 Drew She's so into it, she's just watching the clock.

1:09:49 Adam I'm just estimating, why don't you say five minutes? All right, you asked me. No, that's a little bit short, but obviously he's very attracted to you.

1:10:00 And can I ask another question? Yeah. Yes. I cannot orgasm. Is that like a neutral for my age or should, am I doing something wrong or?

1:10:13 Drew You can't orgasm during intercourse or you can't orgasm ever?

1:10:16 Ever.

1:10:17 Drew So no masturbation, no nothing?

1:10:19 Yeah, well, I don't masturbate, but yeah.

1:10:21 Adam Right, right.

1:10:23 Drew That's because, yeah, you do not, that's part of the normal biology of a 17-year-old female.

1:10:27 Adam But plus, here's the time, the time she has to orgasm with this guy is the time of an average hang time of an NFL punt.

1:10:37 Drew Right.

1:10:37 Adam It's about four and a half. Yeah, but five seconds.

1:10:40 Drew Again, no drive to masturbate. No, it's just not there. Again, get a 17-year-old male to keep his hands off his jock, right? Right, right. You've got to control a female into doing it, to convince her that there's something in it for her, because she doesn't feel it.

1:10:54 Adam Right. Hey, Danielle, I mean, I'm sorry, Jill. Why, I was looking at the next call, why are you, maybe you shouldn't be having sex with this guy.

1:11:04 Drew Right.

1:11:04 Adam He doesn't seem very good at it. You don't really seem like you're that into it. I mean, you're into him being into you, but you're not really into the sex part, are you?

1:11:16 Drew You have to just have a relationship. You don't have to have the sex.

1:11:19 Yeah, I don't know. I'm not really into the whole sex thing, but.

1:11:23 Drew Right, so you don't have to do that.

1:11:25 Adam That's our idea, isn't it? Why is everyone going to make my idea their idea? Hey, also, the guy's 20. What's he doing? I'm not sure if I trust him. Are you in high school? Yeah.

1:11:40 Drew What's he doing?

1:11:45 Um, I don't know.

1:11:47 Adam Hold on. Hold on a second. Work. And not only is Jill in high school, but she sounds like she could be in junior high.

1:11:54 Drew Yeah, this is the, she's the junior college candidate at high school.

1:11:59 Adam My God.

1:12:00 Drew So it'd be junior high school.

1:12:01 Adam Yes. Right. Yes.

1:12:02 Drew You go from junior high school to junior college.

1:12:05 Adam And I know 20 and 17 doesn't sound like a huge gap, but-

1:12:09 Drew That's enough. That's a different priority.

1:12:11 Adam It's a thing. When you should have been out of high school for a couple of years and you're basically banging around with some chick who's a senior who really is more ninth grade than she is senior. I don't know. She doesn't really like it, but likes the attention.

1:12:29 Drew You are the Matthew McConaughey character from Dazed and Confused at that point.

1:12:34 Adam That's right. Jill? Yeah? What's happening? You doing okay in school?

1:12:43 Drew Not really.

1:12:45 Adam What grade are you in? Senior.

1:12:48 Drew You're in grade 12.

1:12:49 Adam Grade 12.

1:12:50 Drew And what are you going to do next year?

1:12:52 Go to college.

1:12:54 Adam Which one?

1:12:54 I was looking at EOU.

1:13:00 Drew OU?

1:13:01 EOU, Eastern Oregon.

1:13:04 Drew Eastern Oregon University. I didn't know there was such a thing.

1:13:08 Adam No. You're looking at them, but I suspect you're shopping junior colleges too, yes?

1:13:16 Drew Yeah. And what does your boyfriend do? What does he do?

1:13:22 He does concrete or something.

1:13:29 Adam I'm always a little unclear. Okay. I don't like this guy. Forget about it. Here's the thing. Don't get pregnant. Do not get pregnant. Don't. What are you using for birth control?

1:13:46 Drew Oh, good. You take it regularly?

1:13:48 Adam No. She's talking about milk. That's. Oh, yeah. You take. You're on the pill?

1:13:54 Yeah.

1:13:55 Drew Take the same time every day?

1:13:59 Adam Which one is it?

1:14:03 One that comes in a package thing.

1:14:08 Drew That's very hard.

1:14:09 Adam All right. Jill, listen to me. You don't waste your time with that junior. You don't waste your time with that junior. You don't waste your time with that junior. You don't waste your time with that junior college. Here's what happens, junior college. The teacher slams the door. You're stuck to the floor. It's like a bad dream and everyone's just laughing. And you're seeing guys stuck to the floor too, but then you just see bones stuck there too. The people have been there for thousands of years. You never leave. You never leave. Now, painted on the windows of the junior college, they draw drapes. You don't know this, Drew. They pull shades down and they have murals on these shades. They have a labyrinth of Asian studying. So people who drive by think there's something going on. Meanwhile, you're just stuck to the floor. Teacher standing in front of the door laughing and in maniacal, it actually echoes when he laughs. And like I said, you'll see the bones of family members there.

1:15:09 Drew Are we pumping nitrous through the phone lines tonight to our callers?

1:15:14 Adam Maybe. They're having a little trouble tracking.

1:15:18 Caller Yeah, a little.

1:15:20 Adam I'm just telling you, Jill, you get out, you go to a trade school. You don't go to regular school. There you go. Or get a job.

1:15:28 Caller Right.

1:15:28 Adam That's fine. That's right. No use dragging this college thing out. Danielle? You're 15?

1:15:35 Caller Yeah. Well, I called last week about my dad molesting me since I was 6.

1:15:41 Adam Right.

1:15:42 Caller And, like, I talked to my mom about it and she talked to my dad about it and he, like, came up from, he was in the Bahamas because he was stationed there with the Navy, so he came back and we talked about it and everything and he's going to, like, send himself to a psychiatrist and...

1:16:04 Drew Good.

1:16:05 Caller Like, he's planning on, like, changing around and everything and he denied it to my mom, but, like, unless it seems like it's going to work out.

1:16:16 Drew Good for you. Congratulations. Are you going to get some treatment yourself?

1:16:21 Caller Yeah, I think, I'm not sure if I'm going to right now.

1:16:24 Adam She's going out to the Bahamas, actually.

1:16:25 Drew Yeah. You've got to talk about it, too, to a therapist.

1:16:28 Caller Right.

1:16:29 Drew Because there may need to be some more action than just him sauntering up to a kindly therapist.

1:16:35 Adam Were you saying that he had other kids or a new family or something?

1:16:40 Caller No, he's still married to my mom, but he-

1:16:43 Drew He was away. Maybe he's in Iraq or something.

1:16:45 Caller He's stationed in the Bahamas, so he lives there.

1:16:48 Drew And the mom-

1:16:49 Adam My God, it's like MacKill's Navy.

1:16:51 Drew Yeah, and it's been going on forever, and she was afraid to tell her mom.

1:16:53 Caller Right.

1:16:56 Adam Hey, Danielle, so do you feel any better about the whole thing?

1:17:02 Caller Yeah, a lot better. Good. Yeah, it's good.

1:17:06 Adam So listen, Danielle, you've heard this show enough to know that this happens quite often.

1:17:13 Caller Right.

1:17:14 Adam You're not the only one.

1:17:15 Drew And to know that it affects people rather profoundly, and it needs some treatment.

1:17:18 Adam Right. And the ones you hear call this show, now you're 15, but you hear people call this show when they're 30, 35, and those are the ones that haven't got any treatment. Right. And those are the ones who married the guy who's doing it to their kid.

1:17:30 Drew Right.

1:17:31 Adam So you're smarter than that. And I can tell just by hearing your voice, you have potential. No, you do. Listen, believe me, I talk to a-holes and retards all night long. And then Drew off the air. You're not that person.

1:17:49 Drew And a-hole retard.

1:17:50 Adam Yeah. You got something going on.

1:17:52 Caller Thanks.

1:17:52 Adam All right. But here's the deal. Now, you've had some bad things happen to you, so you're going to have to do a little bit of work.

1:17:59 Caller Mm-hmm.

1:17:59 Adam So you're going to do that work?

1:18:01 Caller Yeah. And, like, I'm planning on, like, you know, getting counseling, obviously, and, like, I have really good grades, and, you know, going to go off to college far, far away. Good.

1:18:13 Drew Away from Florida. Yes.

1:18:14 Caller Yeah.

1:18:16 Adam I don't have any colleges over there in Florida. Isn't that true?

1:18:18 Drew I've got a bunch of them, but...

1:18:20 Caller Yeah.

1:18:21 Adam Just about 700 million students.

1:18:22 Caller I have another quick question. Mm-hmm. Like, the show doesn't play, and, like, where I am now, because I just moved this summer from Maryland, and I heard it there, but it's not here. And, like, is there any way that, like, you guys can get a radio station here?

1:18:39 Adam I don't know. Where are you?

1:18:41 Drew Yeah, first of all, you would have more of a chance of getting that than we would. Where are you?

1:18:45 Caller Um, I'm near the Palm Beach area, West Palm Beach.

1:18:48 Drew We had West Palm Beach for a while, I thought. I thought we did. But be that as it may, there's a site on the Internet, I think, KNRK, Portland Radio Station, they broadcast it on the Internet, I think.

1:19:00 Adam Yeah. Is that KNRK?

1:19:02 Drew Yeah, I think so.

1:19:03 Adam All right. So what do you do?

1:19:04 Drew Just look for their website. And I guess you can, I heard it at one time you could get it there anyway.

1:19:09 Adam Chris, go to KNRK. And go to their website and see if you can find the radio station.

1:19:19 Drew All right.

1:19:20 Adam So you have a computer, Danielle?

1:19:23 Caller Not my own. But I'm not allowed to use the Internet because I submit poetry, like an art website, and my parents read it and thought I was suicidal and went nuts. But my dad's trying to get it so that I'm allowed on there because he went on there and read all my poems and started to realize that it's art or whatever.

1:19:53 Adam Do you have friends who live back in Maryland? Maybe we can get them to send some tapes of the show out to you or something like that. Maybe they can tape the show and send it to you. I don't know if it's a reach, but you should be able to find this show on the Internet somewhere.

1:20:10 Drew You would think.

1:20:11 Adam My wife says there's these websites where you can hear snippets and things.

1:20:16 Drew I remember the guy I called from England was listening on the Web.

1:20:20 Adam Where did he say he was listening, though?

1:20:22 Drew From Canada.

1:20:23 Adam WNRK? No.

1:20:24 Drew It was something else.

1:20:25 Adam Or NRK? I don't know.

1:20:28 Caller All right.

1:20:28 Adam Chris, you find anything? But to be fair, he's been hitting the computer screen with a coffee mug for the last two minutes. So nothing.

1:20:40 Drew Nothing over there.

1:20:41 Caller All right.

1:20:42 Adam Drew, what are you giving out that crappy information for?

1:20:45 Drew I'm just saying, I know at one time you could. I don't know if that's currently essential. Paul?

1:20:50 Caller Hello.

1:20:51 Adam You're 19?

1:20:52 Caller Yeah. Actually, I'm really nervous right now. I'm shaking all over.

1:20:57 Adam Oh, buddy. Relax.

1:20:58 Caller Thanks for taking my call, and I've been listening for a few years now. We didn't always get to show, but I have a question about a past caller, but first I wanted to say that I gave you guys a big prop. My bulletin board here on my floor at the University of Tulsa is for this month dedicated to you guys. I'm not an artist, so I didn't draw you anything, but I've got like what I imagine the setup of the studio looks like and some quotes from the show.

1:21:23 Caller The time is late.

1:21:26 Adam You have a, what kind of bulletin board do you have?

1:21:29 Caller It's just, it's about six feet long and three and a half feet tall, and I just kind of used some big markers and stuff, and I thought you guys would like it. I like it.

1:21:40 Adam I would, and yeah, now I don't know if you're trying to picture our old studio, Westwood One. If you want to picture that, close your eyes and picture someone crapping in an ashtray.

1:21:54 Drew In an outhouse.

1:21:55 Adam No, just an ashtray.

1:21:56 Drew The ashtray itself would be the thing. I see, yeah.

1:21:59 Adam Why bother undermining? Yeah, just picture someone taking a dump in an ashtray. That's Westwood One. Now, this in our home base, K-Rock, here is a much nicer facility.

1:22:11 Caller Oh, wow. Well, this is kind of just, it's rough, but yeah, you know. All right.

1:22:19 Adam So, what's up?

1:22:19 Caller I've got some books on the dictionary and an anatomy book and other hell on the table there.

1:22:25 Adam Well, you get the other kids over at the college to listen to the show.

1:22:29 Caller I'm working on it every day. I have a question. You guys had a caller earlier who was like almost 30 and really high voice. I want to know about condoms and birth control. 28. What was with the like I don't know. I don't know why exactly. Usually when younger callers who are on birth control call, you want to know if they're taking it properly. And you guys didn't ask that I was wondering if that just had to do with their age. And also if why it was that she assumed that she wasn't having sex even though she didn't because she didn't have a boyfriend.

1:23:08 Adam Why we assume that?

1:23:09 Caller Yeah.

1:23:10 Adam Now, OK, here's the here's the thing. The reason we weren't asking her if she was taking the pill at the same time each day, like we do with the 14 year olds who say they're on the pill, who seem a little absent minded, is she was sort of hypervigilant, hypervigilant, hypervigilant. Right. She was paranoid, for lack of a better term. And she, she's the kind of person who would take it down to the second because of her paranoia. You understand?

1:23:38 Drew She was taking the pill and on condoms and wanted a number of the probability of pregnancy of somebody on birth control pill using a condom.

1:23:47 Adam Right.

1:23:47 Drew Which is a ridiculous question.

1:23:49 Adam Yes.

1:23:49 Drew And had just gotten over an abortion, was traumatized by it and we could hear in her voice that she was also a childhood trauma survivor.

1:23:55 Adam But that's the type of person who has three or four alarms go off every day at the time they need to take the pill, not the kind who smokes weed and forgets about it.

1:24:04 Drew Right.

1:24:04 Adam Then we sensed that so we didn't bug her.

1:24:06 Drew That was not the issue in her calling.

1:24:07 Adam Right. Then his second question was, I don't know what, why do we assume she wasn't having sex? She just, I asked her if she had a boyfriend, she didn't know, she didn't seem to indicate she was having sex for some reason.

1:24:17 Drew She kind of did at the beginning. She kind of did, but again, it didn't really matter. The point was her anxiety, her trauma, whether she should be having sex at all.

1:24:24 Adam The point, Paul, is sometimes we have a point and other times we don't. Yeah, I mean, look at it this way. What percentage of your conversation is meaningful in life? You know what I mean? Three or four percent? Does it hit double digits? You know, we make or share small talk on the show. Ironically, it's what I'm doing now.

1:24:44 Drew Strangely enough.

1:24:45 Adam Drew's distracted, so we're going to take a break. We'll be right back. Hey, what's happening, my brothers?

1:25:00 Drew Let's get together here, brother.

1:25:02 Adam Let's go, buddy. Let's rally. Let's finish with a little bang.

1:25:05 Caller Yeah.

1:25:05 Adam A little pop. What do you say?

1:25:07 Caller I don't know.

1:25:08 Adam Oh, for Christ's sake. I was just thinking of why I'm tired today, and then I thought, because I got up early this morning.

1:25:15 Drew To cover the construction site?

1:25:17 Adam No. Listen, one of these trucks, they're doing some work in the canyon I live in or up on the other street, across the way, whatever it is. One of these mother effing trucks threw it in reverse. Yeah, but sometimes they throw it in reverse and they keep it in reverse. Like they back it up. They put the shifter in reverse, which activates the beep, beep, beep. Let me say this. Here's what I want to say. When you design the beat, first off, so what? A couple of kids get ran over each year.

1:25:56 Drew Please. It's worth it to preserve your sleep.

1:25:57 Adam Small price to pay. Look, that's just Darwin driving that truck. If your kid doesn't know to get out of the way of a diesel truck that's backing up, well, we don't need it. That's what I'm saying. And maybe you don't either. It's just going to be living at home, going to junior college, eating your crap, drinking your booze eventually and stealing your cigarettes. Now here's what I'm saying. We need to hook up a device that makes the beep, beep, beep sound go when the truck is moving in reverse, not when the guy throws it into reverse, because they throw it into reverse and oftentimes don't go anywhere for a long time.

1:26:34 Drew It's like they're sitting in a driveway. Back in a driveway and stop.

1:26:37 Adam The guy's like, yeah, I'm going to back this thing up. I'll throw it in reverse. And then he's pushing the clutch in, the thing's in the reverse and he ain't going where, or it's automatic, he's got it in reverse and his foot is just sitting as if it made a noise. If you were going forward and you're sitting at a stoplight, you don't shift the car into park at the stoplight. You're just sitting there. You'd be buzzing away at the stoplight. So I'm just lying in bed. It's like knee, knee, knee. Eventually you realize the guy would have circumnavigated the goddamn globe if he was moving because it's been 20 minutes. Sometimes the guys throw it in reverse, they get out of their truck and stuff. Once I had to go, we had to go get the guy and stuff and tell him to shut his f-ing truck off. Well, first off, truck drivers are stupid. They're more animal than they are human. A, number one. B, number two, they're always beaked up on some drugs. And C, they've heard this beep their whole life.

1:27:30 Drew They sprayed it out.

1:27:31 Adam Yeah, they don't know. It's like our retarded callers who can't hear the smoke detectors going off. They don't hear the beep. And, you know, they've been up since four in the morning. So, hey, what time is it? Oh hell, it's 7.45. It's almost time for lunch. Yeah. Jesus Christ.

1:27:45 Drew Why the rest of you?

1:27:46 Adam Let's just get rid of that. Here's the thing with the beep. Three beeps and that's enough. Three beeps, all you idiots clear out. You haven't figured out to move at that point. You're roadkill, so be it.

1:28:00 Drew Three beeps, unless it's moving.

1:28:02 Adam No.

1:28:02 Drew No, not even.

1:28:03 Adam No, you're right. Let's just switch it to when the truck is physically moving backwards, the beep goes. If it's not, you can't just throw it into gear, which is like flipping the switch on the beep sound effect. Really, can we do something about this garbage man buzzing by at 630?

1:28:21 Caller Beep, beep, beep.

1:28:24 Drew That's it.

1:28:24 Adam That's it, we're just living in obnoxious times. We just have to hear this crap. I'm going insane, Drew.

1:28:31 Drew Yeah.

1:28:32 Adam All right. Chris?

1:28:34 Caller Yeah.

1:28:35 Adam You're 17?

1:28:36 Caller Yeah.

1:28:37 Adam What's up?

1:28:38 Caller Yeah, man. I got, all right, my balls are hairy, man. I've never shaved my balls.

1:28:43 Drew Bogus.

1:28:44 Adam He's an idiot. Okay, 17.

1:28:47 Drew My balls are hairy.

1:28:48 Adam My balls are, all right, go. Mike? Yeah. Like, here's the thing about Chris. Chris is either Bogus or just a jack-off.

1:28:58 Drew Either way, I got enough time for him.

1:28:59 Adam Go ahead, Mike. Yeah.

1:29:03 Caller Germany or Florida?

1:29:04 Adam All right. That's Tori Amos singing the Germany or Florida theme. Go ahead, Mike.

1:29:12 Caller You think you could answer a quick question, though, first?

1:29:14 Adam Mm-hmm.

1:29:16 Caller Okay, I was having sex with my girlfriend, right? Normal style, mom and pop. She's like, she like defecated and lost all body functions. Is that normal?

1:29:28 Drew Yeah. Does she go unconscious?

1:29:29 Adam That means she wants anal.

1:29:31 Drew Does she go unconscious?

1:29:33 Caller No, she like, for like, like about 18 hours, seriously, she was getting off, all kinds of juices were coming out, she was urinating, she was drooling. I don't, I mean, I literally effed the, you know, out of her.

1:29:50 Drew And she kept having, Florida. She kept having repeated sort of orgasms even after you guys were done?

1:29:55 Caller Right. Is that normal?

1:29:57 Drew It's not normal.

1:29:58 Adam It sounds like she had a stroke or something. She did not defecate everywhere.

1:30:03 Caller Yes, literally.

1:30:05 Adam Literally. Hold on. What is it? Son of Tardnight?

1:30:15 Drew I told you it's what it was. I'm looking for, I've got an article in here about persistent sexual arousal in women. Mike?

1:30:22 Adam Yes. What do you do for a living?

1:30:25 Caller What do I do? I own a recording studio.

1:30:30 Drew That's what I thought of immediately.

1:30:31 Adam I knew it.

1:30:32 Drew Yes.

1:30:33 Caller What?

1:30:33 Adam You're like the Herb Alpert of Arkansas. I knew it. All right. Ask your Germany or Florida one.

1:30:39 Caller Well, hang on.

1:30:40 Adam Hold on.

1:30:41 Caller My friend is going to make me a trophy that says, you literally asked him, is that wrong, Adam?

1:30:48 Adam Persistent sexual arousal syndrome in women.

1:30:51 Drew I'm showing Adam an article.

1:30:53 Caller Here's my Germany or Florida.

1:30:56 Adam Yeah, go ahead.

1:30:58 Caller A man was found force feeding a dog's testes to a restrained 11-year-old boy. The man then was taken into custody and released two days later. No further actions were taken. Germany or Florida.

1:31:14 Adam Germany.

1:31:16 Drew And only Mike would come up with this one. This is like, woo, Mike.

1:31:21 Adam Feels like Germany to me.

1:31:22 Drew I'm going to go Florida.

1:31:23 Adam All right.

1:31:23 Caller All right.

1:31:23 Drew Here we go. Mike?

1:31:26 Caller Yes.

1:31:26 Drew The answer is?

1:31:29 Caller The answer is Germany.

1:31:30 Drew Oh, I should never.

1:31:31 Caller Adam, you know what I think of you? You're just a wannabe Gilbert Godfrey, you dumb fu- Whoa.

1:31:39 Drew What is that?

1:31:41 Adam He runs a recording studio, Drew.

1:31:43 Caller It's going on the best of.

1:31:45 Caller You didn't think so?

1:31:46 Adam Let me explain something. He called me a wannabe Gilbert Godfrey. Gilbert Godfrey doesn't want to be Gilbert Godfrey. Forget about me. It's just a-

1:31:56 Drew Wow, that was, it is weird TARD night.

1:31:58 Adam Yeah. Hey, listen, show's over, but might as well spend the last 22 seconds of it yelling at phone screen of Brian. Listen, if guys sound sort of schizoid, unstable, like Hillbilly Retards-

1:32:12 Drew Retard Jackoff.

1:32:16 Adam Yeah.

1:32:17 Drew It's Retard Jackoff night.

1:32:19 Adam It really is. Just the chicks look like they're staring at those spinning wheels. They used to hypnotize you in the cartoons.

1:32:31 Caller Just spiraling.

1:32:33 Adam Spiraling wheels. And the guys just look like something out of the corn, cornrows of a Hee Haw.

1:32:42 Drew Yeah.

1:32:43 Adam Like I'm just picturing guys with like-

1:32:46 Drew With little Jason in them.

1:32:48 Adam Yeah, like wearing hats that have patches on them. You know what I mean?

1:32:53 Drew Yeah. Yeah. Alright, here we go.

1:32:57 Adam Alright, we'll take a break. We'll be back. That's the show. God love you all. Dag is coming in tomorrow night, my main man. Dag, and so until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying, mahalo.

1:33:33 Caller Adam, you know what I think of you? You're just a wannabe Gilbert Godfrey, you dumb fuck.

1:33:41 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this. What?

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Wednesday, December 10, 2003