Episode 1000583330267

0:54 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually oriented content. Listen to discretion is advised.

1:00 Love Line with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

1:04 Voiceover That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191, Dr. Drew, board certified physician, addiction medicine specialist.

1:13 Drew Smoked almonds, Adam.

1:15 Adam Yeah, got a nice big can of smoked almonds. I'm going to, I'm not going to eat these. I'm going to put them in a Cuisinart, liquefy them and inject them into my main vein.

1:29 Drew Smoked almond enema.

1:31 Adam Ooh. Drew, I'm going to need you to help me by squeezing the pastry sack for the enema. Now you might get a little backwash, but then once we get the flow going the right direction, we'll be fine. It's like when you siphon gas.

1:48 Drew Yes, yes, of course.

1:49 Adam First mouthful is going to be gasoline, gasoline, but then we're rolling. No guests tonight, thank Christ. I've had an ass full of people.

1:57 Drew What happened to David Alan Greer?

1:59 Adam What happened to him?

2:00 Drew He's a little too big for us now?

2:02 Adam Yeah, that's my question.

2:03 Drew I've become a fan of his show. That's probably the kiss of death.

2:07 Adam Let me say this about David Alan Greer. I have two things, which is David Alan Greer was supposed to come in tonight, so what happened? And then my next question is, what happened? See what I'm saying, Drew?

2:19 Drew I see it.

2:20 Adam What happened to Dag? Dag is, now I look up here, he's coming in on the 11th. So we'll find out what happened. And next week, my dear, dear friend, Dicky Barrett, is gonna be in here. Lead singer of The Mighty, Mighty Boss Tones, and of course, new announcer for Jimmy Kimmel Live. So he'll be in here. It's good to see him on a daily basis now. Nicole Richie from The Simple Life, you know, that new Fox show. And Josh Molina from The West Wing and...

2:54 Drew Dave Dugger.

2:57 Adam Yeah, and Dag. All right. So where are we, Drew? A couple things I want to say. First off, I. Had to get up very early this morning to meet a cement pumper and work something out that was starting very early, so I got up really early. And then I didn't get a good night's sleep last night. But the point is, is I was thinking about how tired I was when my wife informed me that my number came up for jury duty. Oh, that's supposed to be downtown tomorrow at 745. And I'm like, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, I'm pre-miserable. Here's my point. I'm thinking of not going. And let me tell you something about being a literal millionaire. My wife was reading the thing and said, could get up to a fifteen hundred dollar fine.

3:45 Drew Take it.

3:46 Adam And I said, I make more than I know.

3:48 Drew Take it.

3:48 Adam That's what I said.

3:49 Drew Yeah. Do not. It is worth fifteen thousand dollars not to go down there. But I'm serious. It is miserable.

3:56 Adam It's wretched. But here's where I worry. Is there going to be a manhunt? Somebody tell me how this works. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I don't mind paying a fine. I'm fine with that. By the way, who's left for juries these days? I mean, you got to think about this. You know, when they do these these trials like, hey, Scott Peterson is on trial. We got to go find some guys that never heard of Lacey or Scott Peterson or the whole case that went on.

4:21 Drew And have about three months to set aside and about three months to set aside.

4:25 Adam Yeah. And who look at the nine dollars and twenty six cents a day. They get paid as a nice bump. They're going to they're they're moving up a bracket. Yeah. I mean, think about and by the way, I mean, I don't know what. Well, look, we got to just invent some sort of goddamn super computer to figure all this out because here's what goes on with juries. Smart people, busy people, effective people don't have time to do this. And so what you end up with is people who really shouldn't be deciding the fate of other people.

4:59 Drew No, you do. And the problem is now they take everybody and they cram their butts into these rooms. Everybody.

5:05 Adam Yeah.

5:05 Drew That's the amazing thing. And there are people there who really shouldn't be there. They have family commitment.

5:09 Adam But how about the people they try to get together like when they go like, we got to find people that aren't familiar with the OJ case. But really? And if you did truly find somebody who is that a year and a half after the Nicole Brown murder had never heard of OJ or Nicole Brown, aren't you talking about someone who's effectively retarded at least socially? But you got to go. You got to. You got to set the way back machine for the seventeen hundreds and go to the Ozarks. That that's the person you want.

5:42 Drew OK. It's a great system.

5:43 Adam But listen to my plan. And why can't we work this out? I'm serious about this. What about a super lie detector? That is it.

5:56 Drew Because they don't care. They don't care about it.

5:59 Adam It's the guilt or innocence. Listen, I want all the great minds of society, besides myself, because I'm going to be busy doing other things. I want all the great scientific minds to get together and to agree on a world device, a device that's good in every country, in every part of this country and in parts beyond, that is a lie detector. It's part super computer, part pathismograph. You know what that is, Drew? I put a ring around your penis.

6:31 Drew Yes, I know.

6:32 Adam It's part everything. And it's tested extensively at the greatest universities in the world. And then five years from now, that's it. This is a device. We scan retinas, we check sweat, we check two messens, we check, put a probe in your ass and that's it. And it's ten minutes, it's ten minutes and it's done.

6:54 Drew Greg's an attorney. When I see if the legal mind would have any problem with this?

6:58 Adam Drew's agent's an attorney. No.

7:00 Drew No?

7:02 Adam It isn't. It's a, look, here's the deal, here's the deal with the breathalyzer. It's a piece of technology that came around some years ago. We check, we decide, here's how we can tell how much blood, alcohol blood levels in your system. A breathalyzer and a blood test. This how, hey, if you say I don't want to take it, that's just as good as being a drunk driver. That's it. That's it. We agree on it. Okay. That's it. That's it. There's no more juries. There's no more judges. No more anything. OJ, we pull OJ in, the very first day he comes in, it's like, hey, OJ, we think you killed your wife. Hey, hey, Robert Blake. We think you may have. Hey, everybody. Hey, Scott Peterson. Hey, John Malvo. Hey, everybody that's just just just taking just taking up all the space, all the resource, all everybody. I don't care if you stole a PEZ dispenser. You just come in. It's like, pal, you're hooked up. You pass. You're gone. Oh, you don't want to take it. Well, that's guilty. That's just just the same as the guy won't take the breathalyzer. That's it.

8:03 Drew I like your way.

8:04 Adam We agree on it. We extensively test it like any other device. And then that's it. We're done.

8:10 Drew Slippery slope, Adam. Slippery slope. We're going to be testing for everything.

8:14 Adam Listen, all you. Oh, you see. I don't know. What is it? It's like the ACLU meets a bunch of trekkie homos all get together and worry about some sort of horrible conspiracy where the president is brought in and somebody takes a leak on the machine and he's found guilty of murder and we string him up an hour later. What are you guys worried about? Let's get things moving. One out of every 500, and listen, in this argument too, a thing where they go like, if one out of every 500 million guys is found guilty when he was innocent, then that's too much. No, it's not. That's perfectly acceptable. Totally fine with that. You've got to, once in a while, society needs a martyr and it might be that homeless guy didn't actually put the shiv in the Salvation Army lady's side. Do you know what I mean? We get this device, we're done. That's it. We move.

9:08 Drew Utopia.

9:09 Adam No more speculation. Michael Jackson? Michael Jackson's over three months ago. It's all done. And I'm sleeping in tomorrow morning. How about, how archaic can we get? We all just, we just get a bunch of retards, drag their ass down to the courthouse and sit there and give each other the stink eye for six months. Nothing going on. And then when it all, when it's all said and done, the guy who kills his wife, the guy who kills his friend, and the guy who allegedly or not allegedly chops up his neighbor in his apartment, dumps him in the river, he's walking because the retards have voted. That's a hand count. Count of tards. What do we got? Well, he's walking. That's it. That's what we end up with. We end up with the guy who admits to killing his neighbor and chopping him up and throwing him in the river. He's free, man. Oh, we can't do better than that. Oh, we'll never top that. No machine could ever top that. Are you kidding me? What is this? Why are we so married to this? Let's just move forward. Don't we just move forward with everything? No. Why not? We use instant replay in the NFL. We understand that humans make mistakes and we have this technology and we utilize technology. Isn't that what we do? Let's just do it for this. And this machine doesn't know what color you are and it doesn't know what your sexual proclivity is. It doesn't know anything. All it knows is how you register. You either pass or you don't. Better. Better than trying to get the jury, oh, there's not enough blacks on it, there's not enough women on it, there's not enough Latinos on it. You know what I'm saying? You'd be the innocent have, and please, you idiots are always with these conspiracy things about, oh, it's going to get rigged. Yeah, what's in it for us as a society just to rig the machine? Yeah, that's what we want. We want all the innocent taxpayers going in the joint. That's what we want. That's what the man wants. He wants the innocent behind bars and criminals out there paying taxes.

11:09 Drew Think about the conspiracy theories that have been on the number of conspiracies that have actually been.

11:12 Adam Yeah, where are they? Next caller! Where is it? Where's Roswell? Where's Kennedy? Where's the second gun? Where's the alien autopsy?

11:19 Drew What about it? What about the Bermuda Triangle and the devil?

11:24 Adam Let me say something about conspiracy in this country. We've been trying to get Castor out of there for about 70 years. Nothing. He's smoking cigars and banging hookers and laughing at us. We've gone through like seven or eight administrations while he's been sitting there laughing his ass off. We've been trying to kill Saddam Hussein. We've been trying to kill Bin Laden. We can't do anything. What do you mean conspiracies? Name us something we can do.

11:56 Drew Right. In an organized way.

11:58 Adam Nobody knows.

11:59 Drew Don't you think?

12:00 Adam Let's just put it this way. If we could do things in a conspiratorial way that we thought would be effective, I don't know if conspiratorial.

12:09 Drew It's conspiratorial.

12:10 Adam A conspiratorial way that was effective. Don't you think Castro would have been dead about 45 years ago?

12:16 Drew Of course.

12:17 Adam Don't you think what would Bin Laden have been doing? All these things like, hey man, the CIA, they have secret death squads we don't even know about. Don't you think we would have got rid of these guys that we want to get rid of many years ago instead of just wasting all our time and resources hiking around with camels looking for them now? If we could just snap our fingers and kill anyone whenever we want with a total impunity and nobody knows about it, what's Bin Laden doing alive? What's Castro doing alive? No, we can't do anything. We can't get any kind of conspiracy going. Don't you guys watch 60 Minutes? Nothing works.

12:53 Drew We can't even get a consensus amongst the tards and the jury.

12:57 Adam Let's just get this one machine going and that's that.

13:00 Drew Let's get this show going and that's that.

13:02 Let's save some babies.

13:05 Adam How dare you.

13:06 Drew Terry.

13:16 Adam My machine could solve this.

13:19 You know what?

13:19 If it keeps me from having to go to a doctor and having somebody touch me, I'd be there.

13:23 Adam That's where my dogs come in.

13:25 Drew You're too. Yes. This is moving forward. Go ahead.

13:30 Adam I'm tired of wasting my breath with all my good ideas on all you.

13:33 Oh, and by the way, Adam, I love you. You're my most favorite atheist in the entire world. You make me laugh. You want to want to.

13:39 Drew Hey, it's all other atheists. Thank you. Yeah. So, Terry, you've never had a pelvic exam?

13:44 No, I have. I just I hate it every single time.

13:48 Drew Go gets, maybe you have a yeast infection. Are you discharged with this?

13:51 See, I don't know, because like it's either a yeasty-beasty, which I don't know how I could get that, but like.

13:58 Drew You can get that just by being a female and being alive.

14:02 Well, I've only ever had one of those in my entire life and that was when I had my first girlfriend.

14:06 Drew Girlfriend.

14:07 Adam Yeah. What happened? I had a girlfriend a long time ago.

14:42 Drew Hold on a second.

14:43 Adam Carries like ten kinds of nuts. She's calling from Utah, too. Mm-hmm. Something happened. She was, you know, she was like raped with a Bible.

14:55 Drew Yeah.

14:55 Adam Or something. If you get.

14:57 Drew Beaten with a Bible, I think.

14:58 Adam Now, if you use the paperback ones, you can roll them up.

15:00 Drew Oh, yeah.

15:01 Adam It's an easier read, by the way, too.

15:02 Drew Are you a Mormon?

15:04 No, I am so anti-Mormon it's not even funny.

15:07 Drew Uh-oh. Were you at one time?

15:08 Adam What happened?

15:10 Okay. Evil brother, evil Mormons, nothing.

15:14 Adam What's your evil brother? Sexual molestation?

15:16 Years.

15:17 Drew Yeah. Yeah.

15:19 Adam While you're evil Mormon brother?

15:20 Yeah.

15:21 Drew Oh, that's a good time. You a Mormon?

15:23 He wasn't even Mormon. Like, I don't know. My whole family is just kind of special. Special? Yeah. I had like the evil Mormon neighbors that would tell on me when I would try to like go home from church early, oh, Kay left church early today.

15:35 Was he sick?

15:36 And then like my parents would just get all totally, you know, evil on me and blah, blah, blah.

15:41 Drew What would they do when they were being evil?

15:43 Well, no, like they just, I'd get in like major trouble and then like I'd have to, like next time I'd be at church and like they'd have to like watch me the entire time. And I don't know, they'd have to have like, they're just.

15:54 Drew Now, now dad, she's walking herself over the bar.

15:57 Adam You're paying dad back.

15:58 Yeah, it's just, it's stupid, like the Mormon thing's not even nearly as bad as other stuff. So, but like, yeah, no, I am doing like the therapy thing though.

16:07 Adam Just stick with that.

16:09 Yeah, and like I take the pills in the hole nine yards.

16:11 Drew What medicine are you taking?

16:16 I have a nice little cocktail.

16:19 Drew Oh, Ritalin.

16:20 No, actually Depakote doesn't really do anything for me. Um, but it's, oh god, Trasadone for sleep and, um, Ceraquilla and Tobamax. Yeah. Type two bipolar rapid eating. Imagine that.

16:38 Drew You need to jack up that Ceraquilla better.

16:41 Actually, um, I can't take too much because lately it just makes me fall asleep at work and if I'm not like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom at work, I'm just nothing.

16:47 Drew Maybe Zyprexone.

16:48 Adam What are you doing? You work with kids?

16:50 No, I work in accounting. God, no, I don't work with people.

16:52 Drew You're a Mormon?

16:54 And I, lesbians, so thank God I'll never have kids because I can't ever have a child. Look, screw them up. I had cats.

17:00 Adam Good.

17:01 Drew We like you, Kerry.

17:02 Adam I like you. Anybody who is, is effed up, announces they're effed up and then says, I don't want to eff up any kids.

17:09 Drew Saint.

17:10 Adam Genius.

17:10 Drew Saint.

17:12 Adam Staintious. Let me ask you this.

17:18 Drew Hey, well, I'm not done with Kerry.

17:19 Adam Go ahead.

17:19 Drew Go ahead.

17:20 Adam Go ahead.

17:22 Drew She probably just said, you look, go get over the counter, use medication. There's tons out there. Take it, see if it goes the way of it doesn't. Then you have to get an exam. Could be other things. All right.

17:29 Adam I think I get some pliers.

17:30 Drew What do you want to ask?

17:31 Adam Well, they have these, every radio station I've ever worked at has had these, these sort of adjustable mic stand things that are just a piece of ass, which is, well, no, it's a, it's cantilevering arm and a spring mechanism and it's a gimbal system. And so theoretically you can adjust it 170 different ways and dial it in. So the mic is exactly where you want it. As long as you want it exactly where it settles each and every time and there's nothing you can do about it.

18:01 Drew Now there's a little nostalgia for the old Westwood One Studio, Adam, we used to lean back with those mic on those crappy stands.

18:06 Adam I'm still trying to tighten the thing. Yeah. I'm still waiting for someone to torch that dump by the way. Really am. Yeah. And no one inside it'd be worth it to collect on the insurance. Vanessa?

18:21 Yeah.

18:22 Adam You're 20?

18:23 Caller Yeah.

18:24 Adam What's up?

18:26 I was just wondering how I could get my boyfriend to go down on me without me having to go down on him at the same time.

18:35 Adam Same time?

18:36 Like 69ing.

18:38 Drew Have you asked him to?

18:40 Oh yeah.

18:41 Drew And what does he say? And what does he say?

18:49 Adam Maybe later. By the way, what is that? Who's 69 is three years in the relationship.

18:59 Drew Are you not having sex?

19:00 Caller Oh yeah, we have sex all the time.

19:01 Adam I know you've been doing it.

19:02 Drew He just asked why this hasn't run out of steam. Why do you continue to do something that people sort of...

19:09 Adam Yeah, you're 69 at the beginning, you knock that down to like a 53 and then it works down to like, I'm in the minus now.

19:17 Caller Because I stopped going down on him for a month and a half.

19:21 Drew Why? In hopes that he would get the clue. It sounds like a horrible relationship.

19:31 Adam You're done. Three years. You were together since 17.

19:33 Caller Yeah.

19:34 Adam That's it. You're done.

19:37 Caller I'm engaged and I have a baby.

19:39 Adam All right.

19:40 Caller Well, that's just how we own a house together.

19:42 Adam Own a house or somebody's grandma committed suicide?

19:46 Caller No, we worked very hard.

19:49 Adam Sixty-ninning or is there other forms of income? What do you mean? You're 20 years old. How old's your kid? What do you been? Where's all your bacon been coming in? You got a one-year-old, you were pregnant the year before that?

20:06 Caller I worked two jobs for quite a while and he...

20:12 Drew Quite a while.

20:14 Adam Look, she got a one-year-old, a newborn, essentially, one years old and then was pregnant for the year before that. She's 20 now. How many years in the salt mine could she have logged to save up the money for the house?

20:27 Drew In Canada, they take care of their own. She's from British Columbia. They have ultra inexpensive housing in certain areas.

20:32 Adam All right. Maybe that's it. Vanessa?

20:34 Caller Yeah?

20:34 Drew Do you have any of that subsidized housing? Is that what you're doing?

20:37 Caller No.

20:38 Adam How much did the house cost?

20:40 Caller Ninety-three-seven.

20:42 Adam Ninety-three-seven.

20:44 Caller Hey, we haven't paid it off yet.

20:46 Adam No, I know, but you got your, what is your, what's your boyfriend do? Fish farmer?

20:53 Drew Yeah. He owns the fish farm?

20:55 Caller No, no.

20:55 Drew No.

20:56 Adam And what did you do?

20:59 Caller I worked at IGA and...

21:01 Adam Oh, you're over at IGA.

21:02 Drew Over at IGA, over on 2nd Street. The grocery store.

21:05 Caller Unsupported. And I worked at Quiznos.

21:08 Drew Quiznos. That's where the bucks come from.

21:11 Adam You worked at a chain sub sandwich place?

21:14 Caller Yep.

21:15 Adam And that's where you got the bucks to buy the house? Because you were there for nine, nine and a half months?

21:20 Drew In a country where the tax level is 80%?

21:23 We saved quite a bit of money pretty quick.

21:25 Caller We were really good like that.

21:29 Adam Listen, I don't care if you crapped roles of quarters. You couldn't save enough money working at Quiznos in a year and a half to buy a house. Wow. I'm moving to Canada. Is British Columbia in Canada? I'm moving to Canada. All right, baby doll. I don't like this guy.

21:50 Drew Why? You got to make it work. Because he's not being considered for you. He's not willing to accommodate and be considerate. You've been a little bit aggressive, I must admit.

21:59 Adam You're a little angry. Where's daddy?

22:03 Caller My dad?

22:03 Adam Yeah.

22:04 Caller He's in town, but...

22:06 Adam You don't like him?

22:07 Caller Oh, no.

22:07 Caller I love my dad, but he's...

22:11 Caller Yeah.

22:12 Caller He just finally started working again after like nine or ten years.

22:15 Caller Where's my bourbon?

22:17 Adam He's over at Quiznos, too. Okay, so your dad's an alcoholic and you have some resentment.

22:22 Caller He was an alcoholic. Well, he probably... He is an alcoholic, yes.

22:26 Drew Is he in recovery now?

22:28 Caller No.

22:29 Adam How's the fish... How's Mr. Paul?

22:32 Caller Mr. Paul.

22:34 Adam That's the fish guy.

22:36 Drew It's Mr. Paul, but he's Mr. Paul. All right, here we go. All right, listen.

22:42 Adam Take care of that kid. And, look, listen, everybody, don't get into that barter for sex.

22:47 Drew Yeah.

22:49 Adam I'm going to stop blowing you if you don't start going down on me, or I'm going to blow you for 10 minutes. You've got to go down on me for at least eight minutes, you know, all that stuff.

22:57 Drew But you could say, look, our physical relationship is not working for me. You don't seem to be listening to me at all. I'm not interested right now. And then kind of say, look, I need you to be... you're hearing me when I ask for certain things. And now don't be depriving completely. Don't withhold sex. You know, it gets awfully aggressive, people get angry, it's... but find a way to talk about this. There's no magic. You ask the question, how do I get him to do that? No, there's no sort of, you know what I mean? There's no sort of magic formula for that.

23:23 Adam But listen, please listen to me, kiddies. This is why you don't hook up and go long term at 17, 18, 19. I know she's 20 now, but, you know, this why you don't spit out a kid, get pregnant at 18, you're dating a fish farmer. You know what I mean? You're 20. You're an idiot. You're an idiot at 20. You don't know anything. You're, you're the opposite sex is just some sort of adversarial robot that you feel you have to beat into submission. You know, you don't know about to contain your seed. It's just, it's just, you're angry at them. Why can't he do this, trying to all you do. And then you spit out a kid and you just torture the kid and we slowly poison the planet.

24:05 Drew There you go.

24:06 Adam All right.

24:06 Drew But, but we're going to bring up a machine. Go ahead.

24:09 Adam On a brighter side.

24:10 Drew Yes.

24:11 Adam Uh, Brenna is 18, huge boobs, 34, double F.

24:17 Bouncy, bouncy.

24:18 Drew Again, double F.

24:20 Bouncy, bouncy.

24:21 Drew Not a G.

24:22 Adam She's tiny. She wants to know about getting them reduced. Weedle kids. Uh oh, baby voice. Hold on. Brenna. Let's, let's figure out your dimensions real quick. That's all right. I'm starting to get nervous too. What's that?

24:38 Caller Because I'm in love with you.

24:41 Drew Hold on.

24:42 Adam Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. You're out in Cyprus?

24:46 Caller Yeah.

24:47 Adam You got a car?

24:48 Caller Actually, you know what? Me and my friend wanted to come visit you today. And we didn't know where the studio was located.

24:57 Adam Well, you probably can't drive with that rack of yours.

25:00 Caller Well, my friend's the one who's driving.

25:02 Adam Hold on a second.

25:03 Drew You're right. You can't drive.

25:05 Adam Yeah. You can't drive. You can't drive. You can't drive.

25:14 Drew You can't drive.

25:16 Adam You can't drive. Hey everybody, it's Loveline and Adam this, Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191.

25:34 Drew Oh Adam, those almonds would be good. Smokehouse almonds.

25:38 Adam I can't crack that can because...

25:40 Drew There's plenty there for the enema afterwards.

25:44 Adam No, I need them all for my almond enema. I've got a nice fresh can of Blue Diamond Smokehouse almonds. Let me say this too. Oh, what? A guy sends me over a buck 99 worth of almonds. I'm supposed to give him a plug on the air?

26:00 Drew Just say his name.

26:02 Adam Steve.

26:02 Drew Okay, that's it.

26:03 Adam Alright, thanks Steve. For sending over 50 cents worth of almonds. I'm supposed to give the guys at the company a shout out.

26:11 Drew No, no, just a note.

26:12 Adam I want to thank Steve for sending over these Blue Diamond almonds. And I want to thank Blue Diamond in advance for sending over a case. Now listen. I want to take these almonds rectally. I want to liquefy them. I want to fill a.

26:27 Drew You want to paste.

26:29 Adam I like them. I like, I like the sort of the consistency of maybe pudding. More 30-weight oil.

26:35 Drew Okay, yeah.

26:36 Adam I want it viscous, but not like water.

26:38 Drew Right.

26:38 Adam Okay.

26:39 Drew You'll be able to hold it.

26:39 Adam And then I want to put it in one of those, one of those pastry bags. Yeah, and I want you to work it in to me until you see it coming out of my nose.

26:48 Drew Your nose.

26:49 Adam That's how I want to die. I want to die of smoke. You understand? But let me say this, and we got to get back to Brennan with the huge boobs. Yeah. And tell me if you have this problem with the snacking industry. Little too much of whatever it is. Little too salty.

27:07 Drew Oh yeah.

27:07 Adam Little too much.

27:08 Drew Of course.

27:08 Adam Here's the thing about the smoked almonds. You can have a handful of them and then after that I go wash them off. I go put them under the sink.

27:15 Drew Oh really?

27:16 Adam Too salty. Too pasty. Too much junk.

27:18 Drew I've seen you go through quite a few of these without...

27:20 Adam No, no. You got to wash them or you got to take a slug of water, beer or something in between every day. And I'm saying this way with the barbecue flavoring and all. Just back off on that stuff everybody. They dialed this down just 20, 40, 20, 30 percent you'd be in good shape, right? Yeah.

27:37 Drew They didn't have the Corolla flavoring.

27:39 Adam I got a new theory. I think the dumber you are, the saltier you like your snacks. Stupid people like salt.

27:47 Drew Salt and sugar.

27:48 Adam But they're like cows, right? Like a salt lick. Stupid people. We should just give them a salt lick. They just lick it.

27:54 Drew They have them in the Drury Boxes.

27:56 Adam Oh. I'm not going tomorrow.

27:58 Drew I wouldn't if I were.

27:59 Adam Screw it. $1,500. I'm a millionaire. Literally a millionaire. Brenna. You're 18.

28:05 Drew That's not even one of those caissons.

28:08 Adam You're 18. You're 34. Double F.

28:11 Drew Yeah.

28:12 Caller It's actually.

28:12 Adam How do you know you're 34. Double F?

28:15 Caller How do I know? Yeah. Well, I didn't know. Actually, I thought I was a D, like a 34 D. And then like me and my mom, like Nordstrom had some sort of breast cancer awareness thing. And like all the Ds were like kind of small and they measured me and I found out I was 34. Double F. Bouncy, bouncy. It was really shocking, actually. Yeah.

28:36 Adam What's the rest? What's the size?

28:39 Caller I don't know. Like, I don't know.

28:41 Adam Well, how tall are you? How tall are you?

28:43 Caller I'm like five feet and a half. I'm not lying. I know you have your radio math theory.

28:47 Adam Five feet and a half. No, no, I'm fine. And how much do you weigh?

28:51 Caller About like 135. I'm really muscly, though, I guess.

28:58 Adam But how do you get the 34 part if you're short and muscular? Doesn't that make you a little more broad around the back?

29:06 Caller No, like my legs are really buff and like my butt and stuff, but not my upper body.

29:11 Adam Hold on a second. I've got a strategy. She can keep her sweats on.

29:15 Caller All right.

29:19 Adam All right, Brenna. What? Big areolas?

29:23 Caller I think they're proportionate. Like I don't think I would.

29:26 Adam That means their size of hubcaps.

29:29 Caller They're not the size of hubcaps.

29:31 Adam All right. So what's the problem, baby? Who is number one? Yeah, Minka's number one.

29:37 Caller Well, it's just like they're just so like I don't have any problems with my back. Like my back doesn't hurt or anything yet. But it's just they get in the way and they make like they ruin my posture. Like I slouch a lot. And I don't know, like a lot of people tease me, but I kind of got over that, I guess. Like I just ignore it.

29:57 Adam Listen, all the greats were teased in high school.

29:59 Caller Well, I'm a freshman in college.

30:02 Adam Socrates. Oh, junior college?

30:04 Caller It's my first semester.

30:06 Adam Junior college.

30:08 How dare you, Adam?

30:09 Drew Well, what else is in Cyprus?

30:11 Adam Yeah.

30:12 Caller Okay, yes, junior college.

30:14 Adam That's fine. Now look, that's fine.

30:16 Caller I'm so embarrassed because I know how you feel about that.

30:18 Adam No, not for you.

30:19 Caller Oh, not for me?

30:20 Adam That's right. I don't mind that. All right.

30:24 Caller And I also want, well, the problem is that I don't know if I'm still growing or not. And I really like want to look into breast reduction, but I'm not sure. I should wait until like after I have kids because I'm sure they'll get even bigger.

30:36 Drew Or sometimes they atrophy after kids, they shrink way down.

30:39 Adam When do you graduate junior college in another 13 years? It's a two-year program.

30:46 Drew Of course.

30:47 Adam Listen, Brenna.

30:48 Caller Yes.

30:48 Adam Do you have a boyfriend?

30:50 Caller No, I don't.

30:50 Adam Why not?

30:51 Caller I'm actually very picky, so I don't have a boyfriend, but I'm in love with you.

30:57 Adam I'm in love with you now.

30:58 Caller I wanted to call you and invite you to my prom, but then I found out you got married. I was really upset.

31:04 Adam My old lady's cool with that.

31:05 Caller Oh, yeah.

31:06 Adam Right at the time I went to the Grammy with the Dixie chick.

31:11 Caller And I heard about the prank she played on you.

31:13 Drew No, that wasn't her prank.

31:14 Adam It wasn't her prank. It was Jimmy's prank.

31:16 Drew Yeah.

31:18 Caller Yeah. I've been listening to you since I was 12.

31:21 Adam Oh, man. I bet you were just a D-cup back then. All right. Well, listen here, baby doll. Mm-hmm. You're 18. You could consult with a plastic surgeon. Just a little preliminary. They're not going to charge anything, right?

31:37 Drew Many of them don't. Many of them don't. Some do.

31:41 Adam But you find one that doesn't and just get a consultation, see what their professional opinion is.

31:48 Drew Cypress is not down by Seal Beach where Dr. Marcel is.

31:50 Adam Oh, Dr. Marcel.

31:54 Drew Yeah.

31:54 Adam Yeah. Well, he's a he's really he's a Seal Beach. Well, I think Dr. Marcel is out there. Maybe go check out Dr. Marcel.

32:05 Caller Yeah, I heard him on Loveline.

32:09 Adam No, he is not. But he does wear a gold pinky ring and he does feel a kind of freedom in the nude that we could only dream about.

32:18 Oh, yes.

32:19 Adam Yes.

32:20 Caller He feels free when we're looking for a new call screener as well.

32:24 Adam Oh, Engineer Anderson says, oh, you heard him.

32:27 Caller I would love to be a call screener. All right.

32:29 Adam Well, let's see. Well, let's try. Let's do a little. Yeah, because Tara, don't call me Tara. So I moved on to greener pastures.

32:40 Drew Yeah.

32:40 Adam She says she's touring the Middle East with the princess of...

32:44 Drew Somewhere. Saudi Arabia?

32:46 Adam Yeah, Saudi Arabia or something. Oh, my God. All right. Just let's try this a second. All right, Brenna? I'll be one of the people who call the show. Okay. You ready? My name's Douchebag and I got a Florida or Tokyo. Yeah.

33:11 Drew Oh, right.

33:13 Adam Yeah.

33:15 Drew Looking for the good caller. That's nice.

33:17 Adam Looking for the good caller.

33:18 Caller Yeah, I know what you like, Adam.

33:19 Adam All right. Well, maybe you'd be a phone screener.

33:22 Caller I would love to be a phone screener.

33:23 Adam All right.

33:24 Caller It would seriously be my dream come true. Today, me and my friend wanted to drive down there and visit you, and we called the K-Rock Studio and the guy hung up on us.

33:32 Adam Yeah. Well, he's been fired. I took care of him. He's as good as gone, baby.

33:38 All right.

33:39 Adam I'm going to need you to come down here tomorrow morning. We'll do a voice line up.

33:43 Caller Oh, I have to work.

33:45 Adam Where do you work?

33:46 Caller I work at... Okay, whatever. I don't care.

33:52 Adam Oh, hold on a second. That is such a connection. I mean, sunglass is a good pair of shades. 100, 110 bucks. And I lose those things, too. I sit on them. As I said, you just go through them in a couple of weeks. Yeah. You could steal, right? You give me set up with some wayfares or something?

34:11 Caller I'll hook you up better than that.

34:16 Adam I like the aviators. I just don't like the wire ones because, you know, I sit on them.

34:20 Drew All right.

34:20 Adam We'll put you on hold. You talk to Anderson. See if we can get you as a phone screener. Makes sense. And, listen, let me explain something, though, from what I can gather here at Loveline's very stringent screening procedure. Here's what you have to do. You have to show up first, right? And you must not have fecal matter or any smear on any body part that we can at least see. And then you're in, right?

34:47 Drew You must be able to get coffee for Adam.

34:49 Adam Yes. Yes. Although, she won't be here. She'll be back at Westwood, too.

34:55 Drew She won't be able to stay away from you, though.

34:56 Adam Carrie? Yeah?

34:58 Drew She'll come here first and give you your coffee and then go do the screening job.

35:01 Adam I'll tell you, the big lower half part was scaring me, Drew, I've got to be honest with you.

35:07 Drew You felt so guilty, you had to offer her a job.

35:08 Adam Yep. What's happening, Carrie?

35:10 I got a Florida or Germany?

35:12 Adam It's Germany or Florida, but go ahead.

35:14 Drew But Anderson's busy talking to Brandon now so we don't get the theme song.

35:17 Adam That's alright, go ahead.

35:19 Drew I want a Tories theme song. No, we want to hear Tories.

35:24 Adam You've got to get it together.

35:26 Caller There is technical difficulty, I'm going to have to pull it over the weekend. I'm going to have to come in over the weekend to pull it, but I will.

35:31 Adam Alright, I may be doing some pulling over the weekend too. Go ahead, Carrie.

35:35 Yeah, a 42 year old man killed himself watching the total solar eclipse while driving. A witness saw the man weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the partially occluded sun. He suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge pier. He had apparently just dawned to solar viewers, which are dark enough to totally obscure everything except the sun.

35:53 Drew Oh my god.

35:54 Adam Oh, I see.

35:55 Drew That's Florida.

35:55 Adam He's wearing like a welding mask. It says bridge pier, Florida. We're going Florida. No, it's Germany. Moded.

36:05 Drew That was the most... we've missed it. We were completely out of line on that one. Yeah.

36:12 Adam Let me tell you something. And good job there, Carrie. You know what happened, Drew? We got cocky. Yeah. We lost our edge. We lost the eye of the tiger.

36:21 Drew Let's try it again.

36:21 Adam Real quick now. Sarah?

36:24 Yeah.

36:25 Adam Germany or Florida? Go ahead.

36:28 A short, dumpy man has been going around faking choking episodes to get attention from women. He flails his arms, coughs, butters, and when a woman...

36:35 Drew Adam, I told you they're going to catch on to this someday.

36:38 Adam Yeah.

36:39 Yeah.

36:39 Adam That's it.

36:40 When a woman rushes over to help, he showers her with gratitude, hugs, and kisses. The authorities can't do anything because technically he's not committing any crimes and no one's really been hurt except for one woman who went to the hospital with an anxiety attack.

36:54 Drew With a cootie attack.

36:57 Adam Boy, it sounds Germany too, but here's the thing. The authorities can't do anything. It seems like in Germany they...

37:04 Drew They do something. And people don't get panic attacks go to the emergency room in Germany.

37:15 Adam Right? We've never been 0 for 2 in the history of Germany and Florida. Never 0 for 2 start.

37:21 Drew Florida.

37:23 Adam Florida. It is Florida. Now we're back.

37:26 Drew We're back. Yeah.

37:32 Adam All right. That's a good save, man.

37:34 Drew But really, it shattered our confidence. You see that? We were weak.

37:37 Adam Got second guessing. But you know what? But like any great champion, we got up off the canvas in the later rounds.

37:44 Drew We did.

37:45 Adam We're back. We're back. And we'll be back after this. Loveline, I'm Adam Netts, Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Drew saw the Haunted Mansion movie tonight.

38:14 Drew No, not tonight, last weekend.

38:15 Adam Last weekend? That thing's out already?

38:17 Drew You're gay, yeah.

38:19 Adam Poor kids dragging you everywhere. Shouldn't you balance it out by dragging them to see some porn?

38:24 Drew No, what I do is I usually dump them off in the theater, and then I go watch what I want to watch. But I kind of wanted to watch it. It looked interesting. And then...

38:32 Adam You know, here'd be a good policy to institute with the kids. Like they go, we want to see the Olsen twins. We want to see the cat in the head. And you go, all right. And then next weekend we see Taxi Driver with Daddy. We're going to watch Sir Bacow. Yeah. We're going to watch Boxing Elena. And then they're like, OK, they would do it. They go, I don't care, Dad. We'll go see Cat in the Hand. Then they'd be horrified watching your movie. And then the next weekend would roll around and they'd go, we want to see the Haunted Mansion. And then you'd go, that's good, because Daddy's got Barry Linden. He's got the five CD disc set of Barry Linden, a nine hour movie. You guys like Albert Finney? Does everyone know? Oh, you don't know who he is. And they'd go, all right, Daddy, well, what's a movie you want? And then you you pick your intermediate movie, end up. You end up seeing the pirate movie or something like that. You see him say, that's good.

39:35 Drew Good.

39:36 Adam How about that?

39:37 Drew I want to see them to see Master Commander. I like that film.

39:40 Adam Yeah, there's there's there's there's kids in it. Your kids age practically. Yeah. That's nothing wrong with that. No language or a little little violence, but nothing any more than half the cartoons they're watching and the video games they're playing. And get a little education. Yeah. They give them a love for the sea. Maybe they could put out, you know, they got to put out to sea. You never know. Your kids could turn 18 and put out.

40:06 Drew Yeah, I think you could put out.

40:11 Adam Eric, you're 20. What's up?

40:15 Caller Hey, how you doing, man?

40:17 Adam Good.

40:18 Caller Hey, I got a little question for Dr. Drew. Dr. Drew, Dr. Drew. Yeah, I heard you can tell if a woman is orgasming based on whether like lower pelvic area is contracting. I guess it's like some hormonal thing. And like if they're not contracting, you know, they can cut their line.

40:39 Drew Eric, the vagina will contract with, you know, how your penis contracts with the stuff coming out of it during an orgasm? Yeah, they have the same contractions and it brings the vaginal wall in around your penis a little bit. You can feel that. But guess what? They can do that volitionally, too, just the way you can kind of make your penis hop up and down by constructing those muscles. They can do the same. They can do the same thing.

41:01 Caller What a bunch of jerks. Hey, Dr. Drew, how old are your kids?

41:05 Drew Eleven.

41:07 Caller Oh, you know what? You know, I just say curiosity. When I was eleven, I was beating off all of the time, buddy.

41:14 Adam Yeah, that's what I keep telling them.

41:15 Caller That's what you're doing?

41:19 Drew I gotta go kill myself.

41:20 Adam I tell them nine, no.

41:23 Drew Eleven is a little precocious, Eric, but twelve is when some can kick in.

41:27 Adam Really? Let's not forget, Drew, you're a man of exquisite passion.

41:33 Drew All those jeans are getting passed on.

41:34 Adam Your wife is a passionate woman too. That's two passionate gene pools that are flowing into the same pond. Same passion pond.

41:44 Drew They want to do the opposite of their parents.

41:46 Adam Yeah, I know. Like for me, it was like work and own a house.

41:51 Drew And masturbate.

41:52 Adam Oh, I guess so. Yeah.

41:54 Drew Your parents weren't exactly passionate.

41:57 Adam I think my dad would have beat off if he could have done it using telepathy, but his problem was it involved movement.

42:04 Drew Yeah, motoric movement.

42:05 Adam And movement technically was something, and he wasn't going to do anything. So you're catch-22 when you announce you'll never do anything. All right, why are we here, Drew?

42:16 Drew Isabelle.

42:17 Adam Isabelle? You're 21? What's up?

42:22 Caller Well, I just, well, I should start from the beginning. Almost a year ago, I was with this guy, and we were having sex, and he took the condom off, and I didn't notice it until afterwards, and he gave me herpes.

42:38 Adam Nice.

42:38 Drew He had an outbreak at that moment?

42:42 Caller Well, I mean, it's like, well, with herpes, you don't really know for sure who gave it to you.

42:48 But a month after, what's that?

42:51 Drew He might not have known he had it. I doubt it was an active outbreak.

42:55 Caller I'm not saying he did it intentionally. That's not...

42:58 Adam How did he take the condom off without you knowing it?

43:01 Caller Because if he, like, if you move positions and he pulls out, then the lights are off and you can't see it. And what made me notice it afterwards was that the lights came back on and I looked at the condom and it was empty. And then he insisted that we take a shower. And among...

43:19 Drew Maybe he didn't ejaculate.

43:21 Adam Hold on a second. Jiz McGruff.

43:24 Drew Sherlock.

43:28 Adam People... Yeah. Now, all I'm saying is he may have given you herpes, but it doesn't... You're innocent until proven guilty in this country. Until my machine comes out.

43:40 Caller So, anyways, that's how I got... I think I got it. And...

43:44 Adam Well, did... But let me ask you this. He took the condom off and it was empty. Right. Didn't he have an orgasm?

43:53 Caller Yes, he did. But that's what I'm saying. It was off before he did. He, like...

43:58 Adam I know. But wouldn't you have noticed him having the orgasm?

44:01 Caller No, I know. He did.

44:04 Drew He took it off before he orgasmed.

44:08 Adam I know. Then where's his argument part come in? Or he doesn't?

44:12 Caller That's not the important part.

44:14 Drew Maybe he just had... Maybe he had oral herpes. Did he give you oral sex?

44:17 Caller No.

44:18 Adam Oh, that bastard.

44:19 Drew All right, anyway.

44:21 Caller So anyways, I had a boyfriend recently and we had sex before I could tell him and he ended up getting it. And I didn't...

44:32 Drew How does that work? Did you have sex before you could tell him? Did he gag you or...

44:36 Caller What's that?

44:37 Drew Tennis ball in your mouth and...

44:40 Adam Yeah, I had a lesson. She was nervous and...

44:43 Caller It was... You know, it's like it's not that easy to come right out and tell someone. So anyways, I gave it to him and I never told him the truth about it. And so... but that's in the past. But now my problem is that I started dating this guy and we fooled around a little bit. But at this point, I don't ever want to give it to somebody again, unless they're aware of what's going on.

45:06 Drew Of their risks, yeah.

45:07 Caller And so now I'm seeing this guy, I really like him, and I'm kind of wondering how I go about telling him that I have it.

45:17 Adam Drew, what about it?

45:18 Drew I think you just come right out...

45:19 Adam First off, okay, how about this? How about a little two-phase lie? A single-phase lie. You say, I have herpes. Don't get in that whole story. I was banging this guy and he pulled the condom off and this happened. No, no, just do a good look. Say you got it from Jim Tao or something.

45:38 Drew Or whatever.

45:39 Adam Make up a little BS.

45:40 Drew But he's got it.

45:41 Adam Yeah, she's got it. But I'm telling you, for some reason, it'll make him feel better.

45:44 Drew Okay, if you didn't get it from sex. I had it in my mouth, wet my mouth with the towel. He can wear a condom and protect himself. If you're not feeling an outbreak, you could take antiviral medication, decrease the risk of exposing him to the virus, the things you can do. So many people have this thing. I think young people, if they're going to have sex, have to realize there's a certain amount of risk. They've got to protect themselves the best they can. All right, consult.

46:13 Adam You got to go see a doctor. See about getting on some of that suppressive medication.

46:16 Drew Yeah, that'd be good.

46:17 Adam It's great stuff, too. You've seen the commercial.

46:19 Drew We start the kickboxing.

46:20 Adam Kickboxing. Kickboxing all day long. That's what the chicks do. They become empowered now. So they stomp a little ass, a little herpy ass. All right, we'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. Hey, Loveline, I'm Adam, this is Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Drew, it doesn't feel like Thursday, does it?

46:52 Drew No, it's a funny night. I've got to do a satellite tour in the morning. No, not in the morning, in about four hours. Oh, yeah.

47:00 Adam Yeah, well, it's worth it to sell a book and a half.

47:03 Drew Yeah.

47:03 Adam Getting up at 3.45 in the morning. Listen, please, I'm not, I'm thinking about not going to jury duty tomorrow. Somebody please call me and tell me what I can expect and how.

47:15 Drew I mean, there's some.

47:16 Adam I'm going to be a fugitive.

47:17 Drew Yeah, manages this.

47:19 Adam What if I.

47:26 Drew Faking all this? They'll want a record and they'll reschedule you. I rescheduled three times last time. They're very good about rescheduling.

47:32 Adam I don't care. That note from the doctor is gold.

47:35 Drew No, I'm telling you, it doesn't mean crap. First of all, they're getting hardcore. I'm telling you, I write these things.

47:42 Adam Make me a note.

47:43 Drew They want a medical record.

47:45 Adam Fine. Do that too. Do it all. I want them to think I'm limbless.

47:51 Drew Then you have to go in and reschedule.

47:55 Adam Well, then we got to remove limbs. Let's just give me a note going. Give me a nice note. Dear Sirs, start with Sirs. Sirs or Mams. Dear Sirs or Mams. And then just go on to say that, Dear Sam's, I have a condition that does not permit me to judge. Lest ye not judge, be judged ye self.

48:21 Drew You're gonna be a conscientious objector of jury duty.

48:23 Adam That's right.

48:24 Drew Yeah, judge not.

48:26 Adam Lest ye be judged.

48:29 Drew Yes, you have to go to jury duty.

48:30 Adam That's right. I don't judge. I don't believe it's any man can judge another. Or culture.

48:37 Drew It's all the same.

48:38 Adam It's all the same.

48:39 Drew It's all beautiful.

48:40 Adam Well, listen, you know, like if you're in a culture that mutilates your young daughter's vagina, for instance, wax off the clitoris or something, we can't judge. We can't judge.

48:53 Drew It's cultural.

48:54 Adam It's a cultural thing.

48:55 Drew How dare you?

48:56 Adam If you want your women to wear a pillowcase over their head and you can beat them with a rock if they ever show their face around any males or something. Can we judge?

49:06 Drew It's beautiful. How dare you?

49:09 Adam I don't know if it's beautiful or not, but we can't judge.

49:11 Drew I can't judge whether it's beautiful or not. You're right. It just is.

49:14 Adam We can't judge.

49:14 Drew Just is.

49:15 Adam Any one of those cultures where you F your own kids? Can't judge, cannot judge. Haven't we learned our lesson? Drew, have we not learned our lesson? We cannot judge. Any good Democrat knows you can't judge. You can't judge. These are cultural things. See what I'm saying?

49:33 Drew I hear you.

49:34 Adam All right. So, guy steals a 10-speed or stabs his old lady. Can I judge?

49:41 Drew How?

49:41 Adam It's part of, it could be part of his culture.

49:43 Drew Or religion even.

49:47 Adam They have their ways. I have mine. I can't judge. Thank you.

49:51 Drew Remember the separation of church and state. They're violating that by making you sit in judgment of this man's religion.

49:56 Adam That's right.

49:57 Drew How dare you?

49:58 Adam We've all learned valuable lessons over the last few months about world events. And we know that we can't judge. We can't judge, Drew. Penny? Yeah, there's no better or worse. There's only different, right? Corny, you ACLU fags. We can't judge. Go ahead, Penny.

50:17 Caller Oh, okay. Oh, I have a way you can get our jury.

50:21 Adam How?

50:23 Caller Well, my parents' friend do this and they hit him for it, but he tells them that he has no way to get there. He has no transportation, which is a complete lie. He has his own car, but they buy it every time.

50:35 Adam Really? Drew, write me a note that says I have no car. All right, now I got Drew, I'm going to get a note now.

50:41 Caller Yeah.

50:41 Adam Go ahead, Penny.

50:42 Caller Okay, this is going to come out really, well, anyway, I'll just read it. I'm lonely as all heck, but I'm too disgusted with everyone I meet to settle for one of them. Am I just reading them all or meeting the wrong people or are my standards too high and how do I fix it?

51:00 Drew Being disgusted is sort of a strong emotion.

51:03 Caller Yeah, but I really am.

51:05 Drew And it kind of suggests that there's something there because not everyone is disgusting.

51:10 Caller No, not disgusting, like gross, just, you know the little things, the quirks that people have and as a friend, you're just supposed to get used to it and love them despite it. I can't do that.

51:23 Drew Yeah, when you can't, it's because you don't want to. You don't have a, you're not so much, it's a volitional thing. It's just, you're not gonna let yourself. So you can't have a close relationship because you're kept away by these persistent.

51:36 Caller Self-fulfilling destiny.

51:38 Drew Yeah, of course. So what happened? Why is intimacy so problematic for you?

51:42 Caller Well, for relationships, well, first of all, I've been smothered the whole time I was raised because I'm an only child and my parents are overprotective and.

51:50 Drew Okay, so one of the fantasies, so sort of the implicit fears that people have when they come out of those sorts of family system is that they're gonna be consumed by the relationship, overcome, that yourself is gonna be somehow subjugated to the other person.

52:04 Adam Me, I know how you feel because me and my sister were both only children.

52:08 Drew Smothered, never smothered.

52:09 Adam No, we're, oh, Drew, you stepped on my good shoulder.

52:12 Caller And also.

52:14 Adam It's gonna say me and my sister were both only children.

52:17 Caller And I've only.

52:19 Adam I'll write it down, I'll say it another time.

52:22 Caller I've only had one relationship really before and you're not to be a neo-Nazi, so.

52:28 Drew Interesting.

52:28 Caller Yeah.

52:29 Adam Well, we can't judge.

52:30 Caller We can't judge.

52:32 Adam Different culture.

52:34 Drew So it's interesting, people that are nice, you find reasons to pick on them, you know, pick nits. And somebody that is a, sort of a horrible human.

52:44 Adam We can't judge.

52:45 Caller I didn't know he was a Nazi.

52:47 Drew That's the point. You didn't know that he's the person that would be a neo-Nazi.

52:51 Adam Bad antenna. So wait, your parents were overprotective, but they were loving, right?

52:57 Caller Yeah, really. Well, my mom works constantly, but my dad is a writer, so he got to stay home. No, neither of them drink.

53:09 Adam What kind of writer doesn't drink? He couldn't have been any good.

53:14 Caller Takes out his bitterness on me.

53:15 Drew That's what we're talking about. What's the bitterness?

53:18 Caller Oh, just constant complaining and letting off steam.

53:22 Adam What kind of writing did he do?

53:24 Caller Nonfiction and also historical fiction. He's trying to get a book published about the Klondike, but regularly he works for a local newspaper, or not newspaper, Boring.

53:35 Adam About the Klondike?

53:37 Caller Yeah.

53:38 Adam Like a gold rush? Or the ice cream sandwich.

53:42 Drew How can you call yourself a writer if you've never had a book published?

53:45 Caller No, he's had books published. Yeah, he's written a couple of travel guides for San Diego and he's written a couple of children's books.

53:54 Adam Oh, well, that's a surprise material there. Travel guides. Screw him.

54:00 Drew What is the bitterness you're talking about? What does he complain about?

54:03 Caller Oh, well, for instance, right now we live in a pretty small condo and every day he gets into his conversation, I hate it here so much, blah.

54:13 Drew But he's a genius and people should be acknowledging that.

54:17 Adam All right, let me say this first off, Penny. Travel Guides to San Diego and writers books, the biggest cop out a writer can ever do. They all suck those writers, those children's books. Madonna writes them for Christ's sake. Every idiot writes a, screw those children's books. That's a cop out. That's like, you know what it's like? Here's who should write children's books, children. Cause here's what it's like, it's going, it's like you entering the Special Olympics. That's, hey, I won the hundred. Well, what was your time? I had 15 minutes. What was the second best? I had 22 minutes, a blind guy who had a half a leg. Yeah, that's, that's a stupid children's book. Can't stand that. All right, well listen. She's got to get out of that house. She's 18, she's living in a little condo with a bitter writer dad. Nothing's worse. You got a dad who writes travel guides to San Diego.

55:11 Drew But he's one of those guys, he's too smart. People don't acknowledge it.

55:15 Adam Yes, I hate him. I hate all writers. And especially travel guide writers.

55:21 Drew So you got to get out and start having life.

55:22 Adam Get out, let's get out.

55:24 Drew You have a life. You may be better able to establish relationships then.

55:28 Adam Yeah, and look, listen, everybody, please, get a friend, get a roommate, get a one bedroom apartment and move out.

55:36 Drew One of the things we don't talk a lot about in our society, not to judge, but is optimal distance in a relationship. People somehow think that if somebody is altruistic and meaning to help, that if they completely, sort of take over in a relationship, well, that must be good. Right, but it can be very destructive. That you need to have a distance with it. I always got to be boundaries in a relationship.

55:58 Adam Yeah, you got to get out.

55:59 Drew And reciprocity.

56:01 Adam I don't know why, there's something worse about living in a condo with your parents than living in an apartment with your parents. I don't know why that is. It feels like they have enough money to buy a house. You know, when I hear we're living in an apartment with my parents, I think good times. It's just, hey, what are you gonna do? The man's keeping you down. But when I hear condo, it's like, hey, for another eight grand, you guys could be in a house and you could be sleeping in a converted garage. You know what I mean? You'd be out being a little guest cottage or something. Somehow condo, it's like that's where old couples go to retire. You shouldn't be living in a condo with your parents. Get the hell out of there. Oh, Drew, you know, I never really thought about it, but three quarters of the kids I grew up with lived in apartments with their parents. It's horrible. At one time or another, what it is, they lived in a house for a while. Then the parents divorced. One of them moved away. House got sold, moved into the apartment. And these apartments, God, I'm just looking back on them now. They were like, everyone there was in the same shape. Everybody had sort of a broken family. It was never a couple living there. It was the mom and the two kids living there. Almost exclusively. The dad either moved away or kept the thing or came around.

57:20 Drew Southern California, it's all metal windows. The hallways out of doors. Multi-level pool in the middle that no one ever used.

57:30 Adam Yeah, or the back that no one ever used.

57:33 Drew With cement all the way around it. Just a cement slab.

57:36 Adam Right off the freeway. It was always right off the freeway too. And yeah, just bad.

57:41 Drew And with the address written in cursive.

57:45 Adam Yes, yes.

57:46 Drew Get it horizontal.

57:47 Adam Sometimes, and they would christen it. Sometimes it was the estate of the street it was on. The clump estates or something. The wits of the estates or manor. And then once in a while they christen it like a tuna boat. Just be the Ginny Lynn. I don't know, the guy was banging some, the guy who owned the thing was banging some chick named Ginny Lynn or something, a little sparkly in the stucco out front.

58:13 Drew Oh yeah.

58:14 Adam Bad Tahiti theme.

58:15 Drew It's cottage cheese.

58:19 Adam Smelled like the last guy who lived there. And anyway, here's what it was. Everybody was, everyone was between the age, all the kids were between the age of like 12 and 17. No one made it there past 17, because the kids all, they all went to prison and ran away and did something like that.

58:37 Drew A few families had like three to seven year olds.

58:39 Adam Yeah, there's a couple of little twerps running around, but it was always just a bunch of 14 and 15 year olds. And single moms who had to work all day, and the kids would come home from school or cut school, but they'd get home at three o'clock. Mom wouldn't get home till 6.30 to just be some kind of weird orgy going on over there. Just people smoking weed and banging.

59:01 Drew My God.

59:02 Adam It's just a huge, just-

59:04 Drew Biomatter.

59:05 Adam Just, yeah, it really was. It was like one of those laundry balls of white trash. Just a big mass of people banging cousins and friends and upstairs and downstairs.

59:19 Drew You know, I don't know if people can appreciate the- Yeah, that is a Southern California thing you're describing here. That empty, deserted, cultureless, white trash.

59:32 Adam Nothing. They all, here's, and they're all designed the same way. They had the glass front door that had seen better days, the aluminum glass front door. That went in into a sort of a courtyard that both, it was two stories and the units would be on either side of the courtyard. The courtyard had a planter of dead stuff in the middle of it. Be like one rubber tree that survived, but the other stuff would just be dead around it. Sometimes a pool in the parking would be in the back.

1:00:02 Drew Like a motel in like, from, what was the movie where the one got skilled in the shower?

1:00:08 Adam Yeah, that was Psycho.

1:00:09 Drew Psycho from Psycho.

1:00:10 Adam And let me tell you what the cherry on top of the white trash Sunday was. The sprinkles on top of it was. The bad rust colored carpet, shag remnants, duct tape around the stucco pillar that was in the parking garage because too many people scraped their car on it. That was, oh, that is a class move. You see that bad, that bad rust colored shag that's just duct tape around it because old man Winters pulled this Buick into it one too many times. I should kill myself. That's what I'd like to do, Drew. No. I'd like to build a time machine. So I could go back.

1:00:55 Drew And kill yourself.

1:00:56 Adam And kill myself.

1:00:56 Drew Yes, yes. That'd be quite something.

1:01:00 Adam Sammy? Yeah, but you'd never know I did that because we wouldn't be having this conversation.

1:01:05 Drew Yes, but somehow the world would be a better place.

1:01:08 Oh, absolutely.

1:01:09 Adam Sammy? Hey, you're 28. What's up?

1:01:14 Caller I'm in love with my boss.

1:01:16 Drew Uh-oh.

1:01:18 Caller He's married.

1:01:21 Drew Does he know you're in love with him?

1:01:23 Caller You know, see, the thing is I try not to flirt with him, but I can't help it.

1:01:27 Drew Does he, does he respond? Do you have a relationship with him?

1:01:31 Caller Well, no, we don't see each other outside of work. Well, we have a couple of times, but those are work related.

1:01:36 Drew Have you ever had sex with him?

1:01:37 Caller No, no, no.

1:01:38 Drew No. Okay. So you just have a fatuation with him.

1:01:40 Caller Yeah, but I haven't liked anybody else since I started working with him.

1:01:45 Adam No, but listen, that's, first off, it's totally natural for a younger woman to be attracted to her older boss. I mean, I know Lauren and I have that here.

1:01:55 Drew You noticed. She tries to hide it.

1:01:59 Adam She does a fine job of hiding it. God knows she tries, but it still bleeds through. Hey, talk to Lauren. Believe me.

1:02:08 Drew What kind of work do you do?

1:02:13 Adam And what's so great about this guy? Now, part of the reason, like part of the reason, ironically, the ladies love Drew is because they hear what a good family guy he is. Is that part of it? Does he love his wife? Does he love his kids?

1:02:27 Caller He doesn't really talk about his wife or kids that much. No. I think the biggest thing is that he's so smart and he's so cute and everybody loves him and he's so personable and he's funny.

1:02:41 Adam That's what Lauren says when I'm not around. He's so.

1:02:45 Caller But it's so hard because I try not to flirt with him and I like try not to even look at him, but it's so hard.

1:02:50 Adam Is, is Lauren does that too, but just because she's short, does she looks at me in the sternum? Does, does now what business are you in? Or is he in?

1:03:00 Caller Well, it's a manufacturing company.

1:03:02 Adam Drew, what? Drew, let me tell you something about you and whacking the mic.

1:03:09 Drew I don't disappoint.

1:03:10 Adam But, but let me, let me, let me say this. You are like a great prize fighter who can knock you out with a hook, an uppercut, right to the body. You never know where that punch is coming from.

1:03:22 Drew I prefer to think of myself as an octopus.

1:03:24 Adam You will whack that mic with a coffee mug. I've seen him whack it with his glasses. Tonight, he whacked it with his headphones. He'll smack it with his chin. And not, not, not to mention the elbows, the palms, the wrists, I mean, the fists, shoulders. I tell you, I never met a guy with as much mic whacking range as you have, Drew. I swear to Christ, you're going to hit it with your liver one of these days.

1:03:50 Drew My tongue is my goal.

1:03:51 Adam All right. Sammy? Yeah. Are you, you're cute too, right? I mean, here's what I'm hearing. Here's what I'm hearing from Sammy. Sammy is, is kind of hot. Yeah. Well, chicks named Sammy are always a little bit hot. But you're, you're attractive. I mean, guys are into you.

1:04:12 Caller Yeah, I guess.

1:04:14 Adam Are they? Drew, please, what's that?

1:04:19 Caller They're totally not my type.

1:04:20 Adam Yeah, I know. But what I mean is, is you're the, you see, here's what I'm hearing. And this is an interesting thing, Drew, which is they're girls, all girls have their fantasies about whoever. Well, I'd like this guy, but it's, yeah, might as well set your sights on Brad Pitt. It's not going to happen. But cute girls are actually sort of frustrated when a guy they're into, especially a guy they see on a daily basis, is not trying to put their tongue in their mouth.

1:04:43 Drew It's not even frustrating, they're confused.

1:04:45 Adam Yeah, it's kind of like, and there's always a sort of feeling like if I ever did want to squeeze a trigger, I would. I mean, if I had just two wine coolers, I'd do it. Yeah?

1:04:56 Caller Yeah.

1:04:57 Drew Well, the point is you need to go have a real relationship. You need to just work on that.

1:05:01 Caller Yeah, but that's the thing is, is I don't like anybody else because I don't like anybody else.

1:05:04 Adam You only like this guy because he's a fantasy. But believe me, if you hung out with this guy for six months, he wouldn't be as funny and he wouldn't be as nice.

1:05:12 Drew We'll find somebody. There's not just one of these guys.

1:05:16 Adam Do you think he has any interest in you?

1:05:18 Caller I don't know.

1:05:19 Adam But here's here's he ever like, I'll tell you, does he ever say like, hey, I had a dream about you the other night or any of that? He ain't interested.

1:05:27 Caller But he winked at me once.

1:05:29 Adam Does he know who you are?

1:05:32 Caller We were in a meeting together and he cracked a joke about my job and he winked at me.

1:05:39 Oh my god, he wants me.

1:05:41 Adam Yeah, listen, you're building a dream on a swamp.

1:05:44 I know. He's so hot.

1:05:46 Adam You got nothing here, baby. Just go get some normal guy out there, would you?

1:05:51 Drew Here's the thing. Here's what I'm reading. This kind of guy in her peerage isn't interested in Sammy. But here's one that has to be in proximity all the time. Also, she can't have, but has to be around her, at least. So this is the one I'm going to focus on.

1:06:09 Adam It's amazing, too. You know, the guy probably manufactures curtain rods or something or shower, shower curtain rods or something like that, the telescoping ones that they twist into place with a little rubber boot on the end of it. And because he's up two notches above her and he's got a little juice and he makes fifty nine. And that's before bonuses, he can go as high as mid 60s on the salary. It's like he's got he is her God. He's it. Oh, man. Yeah, really start. I really I feel bad for Lauren. I must know how she feels. And it's got to be tough, too, because I'm the real deal. You know what I mean?

1:06:54 Drew Oh, and there's no there's no finding another Adam Carolla. Oh, no. You know, this is it.

1:06:59 Caller Poor Lauren. I got to say on her behalf to stop, please, for her, because she can't get on the mic and talk and defend herself. The poor girl.

1:07:06 Adam She's fainting herself.

1:07:07 Drew She's over there making making faces.

1:07:10 Adam Swooning. Yeah, yeah.

1:07:11 Caller She might love you because you actually talked to Tori Amos last night. That's the only reason why she would love you right now. Not aware of.

1:07:16 Adam Yeah. Yeah, but that won't wear off for many years. And then Tori will come back and I'll get a booster shot.

1:07:24 These are those gold dust moments.

1:07:28 Adam We had some gold dust moments with Tori last night.

1:07:30 Drew I felt like there was a whole different Tori last night.

1:07:33 Adam You did?

1:07:33 Drew It's just a different kind of series of conversations that we normally have with her.

1:07:37 Adam Why? What was different?

1:07:39 Drew Not that she was different. We just got into different stuff with her. Usually she has a little bit of politicizing and grandstanding. And this was more about people and her feelings and things. It's interesting.

1:07:51 Adam Maybe motherhood has mellowed her just a little bit.

1:07:54 Drew No, if you remember last time she was on the attack.

1:07:59 Adam Yeah, but she just spat out the kid. You weren't here last time.

1:08:03 Drew No, I just remember thinking, wow, a new Tory. She's no longer interested in world peace. She's thinking about kicking a little ass, make sure her kid's protected.

1:08:12 Adam I like that.

1:08:12 Drew Yeah, it was good.

1:08:13 Adam All right, we'll take a... That kid's got it bad for me too.

1:08:18 Drew The three-year-old?

1:08:20 Adam Tory, Lauren and Tory's kid. What's her name? Yeah. All right, we'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:08:29 Drew Okay.

1:08:48 Adam I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Dicky Barrett from The Mighty Mighty Boss Tones. Dear, dear, friend, Dicky Barrett is gonna be, be in here. Yeah, good to see Dicky every day now. He's over at Jimmy's show doing the announcing.

1:09:17 Waaah!

1:09:22 Adam What a guy. Good people. Yeah?

1:09:24 Yeah. Yeah.

1:09:27 Adam You're 26?

1:09:29 Caller Yeah.

1:09:30 Adam What's up?

1:09:31 Caller Dr. Drew, I heard this report over, over, I think it was the BBC or something like that, about how they're going to, they're putting ecstasy through, through trials here in the States to deal with people with PTSD.

1:09:52 Drew They've talked about that for a long time. I don't think that that has actually been initiated because of the potential risks.

1:09:59 Caller Well, apparently it is.

1:10:02 Drew I don't think so. I really don't think so.

1:10:04 Caller It's interesting, because all I, I just did a quick search on the internet for it, and I only found it in, reported in England and Australia.

1:10:14 Drew Where they're doing the studies.

1:10:16 Caller Yeah, I know. Actually, they said it's American studies being done in Florida.

1:10:21 Adam Germany.

1:10:24 Drew No, they have done them in the past. They were abject failures. There's talk about doing more studies.

1:10:30 Adam What's the plan? As you have post-traumatic stress disorder.

1:10:34 Drew Which is a devastating.

1:10:35 Adam Going to a depression.

1:10:36 Drew Yeah, you've got to understand that, well, no, post-traumatic stress disorder can be absolutely devastated. Yeah, you kind of know life, you can't be able to get out of bed, you can't work. And so using a dangerous medication to try to improve those symptoms, people are arguing that, well, it might be worth it if it has some effect on somebody who's-

1:10:53 Adam Well, would you have to use it daily? To very small doses?

1:10:57 Drew You know, I don't know what they're talking about.

1:10:58 Adam What would it do if you just took just a little bit of X, you know?

1:11:02 Drew Well, listen, one of the goals may be to try to destroy some brain tissue that might be overactive or something, you know? That might be one of the beneficial effects.

1:11:09 Adam Yeah, just use a snow shovel, you know?

1:11:10 Drew Well, they used to have lobotomies, but she picks up their new lobotomies. But again, most of the stuff I've read suggests they're not going to go ahead with it because the risks are too great, can't control it. Not in this country, anyway.

1:11:25 Adam Stephanie?

1:11:26 Drew Yeah?

1:11:27 Adam You're 21?

1:11:29 Drew What's up? Just one second, Stephanie, one quick, I just got to finish this thought. People have great misconceptions about using medication that are potentially dangerous to try to improve devastating illnesses as opposed to healthy people using medication that can't do anything to improve their health but can only hurt them. See what I'm saying?

1:11:51 Right.

1:11:51 Drew You're saying that you wouldn't take a chemotherapeutic agent, a healthy person would want to take that but somebody with a bad disease, it might have a better outcome for them.

1:12:00 Right.

1:12:01 Drew And the same is true of things like this. There are mental health conditions that are just devastation. And you might use very dangerous medications in that situation to try to make things better.

1:12:10 Yeah.

1:12:10 Adam You wouldn't take those kinds of risks otherwise.

1:12:12 Drew You wouldn't. A normal person wouldn't subject their brain to that.

1:12:15 Right.

1:12:16 Adam What's chemo mean? Does it mean something?

1:12:20 Drew Just chemotherapeutic, chemical therapy basically.

1:12:23 Adam Chemo is chemical?

1:12:24 Drew Yeah. No. I don't know what the history of that is.

1:12:27 Adam Chemo doesn't sound like chemical. It sort of does, but not quite. You know my children's book.

1:12:34 Drew Yeah.

1:12:35 Adam Chemo Skinny Calves.

1:12:37 Drew No. Oh, is it going to be a what? The Samoan guy?

1:12:39 Adam Yeah, Samoan guy. It's got super skinny calves.

1:12:42 Drew And all the other reindeer wouldn't let him play?

1:12:44 Adam All the Samoan guys make fun of him because they have this huge calf.

1:12:47 Drew And then one rainy day.

1:12:49 Adam Well, yeah. It's got elements of that in it.

1:12:52 Drew It's already fell down a well or something?

1:12:55 Adam The keys to the city fell down a sewer grate and nobody could reach them.

1:12:59 Drew Except chemo skinny calves.

1:13:00 Adam Well, because his leg was so skinny.

1:13:02 Drew Of course, he could fit through the grate.

1:13:03 Adam He could fit through the grate and grab the keys to the city. And then of course they rejoice. But you know, it's like the idea is all those, you know, it's great because all them Samoans, they wear those, Samoans wear like Hawaiian shirts around their waist, like his under, you know, his pants, you know, they wear like those skirts, you know, they wear like a diaper and they got those huge calves, right. And they're super stupid. Dumbest rocks, Samoan. Stephanie?

1:13:33 Caller Yeah, I'm here.

1:13:35 Adam Oh, sorry. Yeah. So 21.

1:13:37 Caller Yeah. Well, I was just wondering if it's like any possible way a guy can orgasm without coming at all.

1:13:45 Drew Yeah, two ways. One is, well, three ways, really, A, he can fake.

1:13:50 Adam Well, that's not orgasm.

1:13:52 Drew B, he can have a retrograde ejaculation where the semen goes up into the bladder. And thirdly, he can be sort of empty and not really have much come out, like a few drops kind of eventually make their way forward.

1:14:06 Adam Yeah, why? Something happened?

1:14:08 Caller Yeah, that actually happened.

1:14:10 Caller And he, you know, he like made all the moans and groans and nothing came out.

1:14:15 Adam Well, how do you know nothing came out? Where were you?

1:14:19 Drew Where was his penis?

1:14:20 Adam That's a better question.

1:14:21 Drew Yeah.

1:14:23 Caller He pulled out and he was going to come on me and nothing came out at all.

1:14:29 Adam It's embarrassing. It's like, baby, you ready, man? You ready? You can get a tidal wave of love down there. Oh, baby, hang on, because I'm going to hit you like a pressure washer. Nothing comes out. A little spittle comes out. Doesn't make it enough to drop off the end of his dork. It just hugs down the contours, goes off his balls and starts dripping down the side of his leg.

1:14:58 Drew Is that like a spittle root back in?

1:15:01 Adam Starts to come out, sucks back in. He hiccups and it sucks back into his sack.

1:15:06 Drew He's threatening to spit on your little brother. Stephanie, I have a question for Stephanie. I'm sort of ashamed to ask this question, but I'm so curious. What do you get out of that as a woman? Him doing that to you. No, you didn't specify that. It's the pull out and ejaculate on you. What does that do for you?

1:15:30 Adam And by the way, one of the cornerstones of stupidity is thinking people know stuff that you don't say.

1:15:36 Drew About you.

1:15:37 Adam But you're just doggy style. You didn't say doggy style. So, yeah. Do you like it? Do you miss it?

1:15:45 Caller I don't know.

1:15:48 Caller I don't really care. I just want to know if like he was satisfied with it, but obviously.

1:15:55 Drew Yes, he's fine. He's fine.

1:15:56 Adam He's fine.

1:15:57 Drew He's fine. It's nothing to do with you. He's not attracted to you. He's fine.

1:16:01 Adam This is why, by the way, Drew. If I'm feeling like I'm not going to produce an impressive amount, and I'm doing doggy, I'll shoot a snot rocket onto the back.

1:16:15 Drew Nice. That is all class.

1:16:18 Adam Just like an NBA player running down the court.

1:16:21 Drew Let's say he was able to produce something. What does that do for you? I'm curious.

1:16:29 It doesn't really do anything for me.

1:16:32 Caller I really don't care, but I just wanted it now. I didn't know.

1:16:36 Drew How come it isn't a negative for women? How come they don't go, that is disgusting. Will you cut that crap out?

1:16:41 Adam Listen, you hear, she really doesn't care. What is this newer trend in society where people do, they want to know stuff, they're indignant about stuff, they're angry about stuff, they have questions about stuff, and then when you start pressing them a little, you go, what does it do for you? Well, I don't know. I don't care. I really could care less.

1:16:58 Drew Yeah.

1:16:59 Adam I was like, oh, why are you asking?

1:17:00 Drew Right. Do you know what I'm asking?

1:17:03 Adam You want to know? Look, yes.

1:17:05 Drew I've never asked that question before.

1:17:07 Adam Look, here's the problem. You're saying who on earth would want to get hit with the snot rocket? Well, no, I mean, I actually give them a snot rocket.

1:17:15 Drew But either, it's what terms to make.

1:17:17 Adam Who'd want to? Right. I'd rather have a guy just hawk a loogie in my mouth than drop a load on me. Fine. Now you're saying, what's it, why do you like it? And she's saying, I don't like it. I just feel like he wasn't satisfied. That's what I don't like.

1:17:33 Drew Right. But I don't, that's not quite an acceptable answer to me.

1:17:37 Adam Why? She feels like a partner may have not been satisfied with her.

1:17:40 Drew Because how could you have a neutral reaction to this disgusting action? You know what I mean?

1:17:46 Adam Stephanie.

1:17:47 Caller Yeah.

1:17:48 Adam Is it your boyfriend?

1:17:49 Caller Yeah.

1:17:50 Adam And he's in love with you?

1:17:52 Caller Yeah. All right.

1:17:53 Adam That's enough.

1:17:54 Drew Shouldn't it be that is disgusting? Cut that out. Once you get past the yummy phase of the relationship, you know what I'm saying?

1:17:58 Adam Yeah. You mean the doggy stuff?

1:18:00 Drew No, not the doggy stuff. The mess.

1:18:02 Adam No, I know. I know. But that's the problem with doggy style.

1:18:05 Drew You can keep your penis in the vagina. It's a novel idea. I know.

1:18:10 Adam How do you know you came then? Do you got to see something come out? No. If a...

1:18:18 Drew You've actually watched so many pornos now that you...

1:18:21 Adam If a joint jizz is in the woods. And no one is there to see it. I don't know, Drew. All I know is all you people disgust me. All right. Where are we going here, Drew?

1:18:32 Drew Let's go to this one here too.

1:18:34 Adam Someone wants to sing the Germany or Florida theme.

1:18:36 Drew I'm not interested.

1:18:37 Adam Two? Germany? Jeremy? Yeah. You're 24? Yes. What's up?

1:18:46 Caller Well, I've been going to the gym a lot recently and I was wondering if like doing a lot of the heavy weight lifting can lower your testosterone or sex drive?

1:18:56 Adam No, quite the opposite.

1:18:58 Drew Yeah, it usually raises it.

1:18:59 Caller Really?

1:19:00 Drew But it'll tire you out. If you exhaust yourself, then it will start to go off the other end.

1:19:04 Caller It seems like, you know, for like the past month, my sex drive has dropped a lot.

1:19:11 Drew Are you running a lot, too?

1:19:13 Caller No, just weight lifting.

1:19:15 Drew Heavy weights?

1:19:15 Caller Yes.

1:19:16 Drew Heavy weights usually raises testosterone. Running can usually drop it. Can drop it?

1:19:24 Adam It can.

1:19:25 Drew Different, different people, obviously. But, yeah.

1:19:27 Adam Is it that sort of...

1:19:29 Drew Look at what happens to the bodies and just think about, does one look like a testosterone effect versus the other?

1:19:35 Yeah.

1:19:36 Adam Yeah. When you get in a long distance running, you start looking like a chick.

1:19:39 Right.

1:19:40 Adam You just look like a post-menopausal lesbian, you know? You just start looking all spindly and knobby and weird, you know? And then when you lift the weights, you look like you had some testosterone flowing. That's a good point, Drew. What about skipping rope?

1:19:58 Drew In between.

1:19:59 Adam What if you sing when you skip rope like I do? Like we go, not last night, but the night before, twenty-four robbers came knocking at my door as I went out and they came in. I asked them what they wanted and this is what they said, Spanish dancers do.

1:20:17 Drew You can't actually do that with your testes attached. You have to remove them for a little while to do that.

1:20:23 Adam I see. In double Dutch same?

1:20:25 Drew Yeah.

1:20:26 Adam And let me say this, is this a childhood song, is this the same for everybody, or is everyone mixing it around? It's always the same cadence, you know? But I think everyone mixes it up a little bit regionally.

1:20:38 Drew I'm sure there's different cultural renditions, but you can't judge them. They're all beautiful.

1:20:43 Adam Junior producer Lauren, do you know that? Do you know this one? No? Never heard it? Hmm.

1:20:50 Drew Lauren and Adam sitting in a tree.

1:20:52 Adam That's not it.

1:20:53 Drew Same cadence.

1:20:55 Adam Eh, not last night, but the night before. Come on, it's totally different. Totally different. Chris, you know this one? No. What happened, Drew?

1:21:08 Drew Where'd this show go wrong? It just started bad, it's finishing bad.

1:21:11 Adam I don't know. Doesn't everyone have to know that not last night, but the night before one?

1:21:17 Caller No? All right.

1:21:19 Adam John?

1:21:20 Caller Yeah.

1:21:21 Adam You know the not last night, but the night before 24 Robbers came knocking on my door?

1:21:26 Caller You know what? I'm not familiar with that one. Sorry, Adam.

1:21:31 Caller What's going on with my life?

1:21:33 Caller Hey, let me turn the night around. Let me help you out here.

1:21:35 Adam All right.

1:21:36 Caller All right. Well, first of all, your guy in there who's doing the phone call screening, obviously he's got no love for you. I called in. Okay, get this.

1:21:45 Adam The phone screener, Brian?

1:21:48 Caller I don't know who he is. Little chipper young guy. Anyways, so I'm sitting here listening to this show. I listen every night you guys are on, and I'm hearing you talk about jury duty. My heart goes out to you, right? So I say, how can we get him out of it? Well, I just got out of my jury duty, and you don't have to worry about it. That's the lie like the other chick was telling you to do. You can do it, you can be honest, and you can get out of it fair and square. How? Do I have your attention?

1:22:16 Adam You did, and tell me, do I have your attention? Go ahead, tell me how.

1:22:21 Caller No, it's suspenseful. Anyway, so you go in there, and there's a form that you can fill out.

1:22:26 Adam That, that, that.

1:22:28 Drew He doesn't want to go in. But I'll listen to it anyway. Go ahead, you form me fill out.

1:22:31 Caller You'll be out of there in 15 minutes.

1:22:33 Drew Form me fill out, and?

1:22:35 Caller Anyways, you tell them that your employer doesn't pay you to go. And that's a financial hardship, you being a millionaire at all.

1:22:43 Drew Absolutely, absolutely not, John. They, they, they, they question you. They want to know the hardship. They want to see the evidence.

1:22:49 Caller No, I was there two weeks ago.

1:22:52 Adam You have a financial hardship.

1:22:56 Drew I was with people.

1:22:57 Adam I'm literally a millionaire, John, literally.

1:22:59 Drew I was, I was in the box with people that had severe hardships with begging the judge to let them out. And they were told to sit down.

1:23:05 Adam And when the minute they see my chauffeur and my mink muff that I use if it's cold and I'm going in there, I'm wearing a vest with a expensive timepiece hanging from the middle button.

1:23:21 Drew Of course.

1:23:21 Adam They know immediately.

1:23:23 Drew I think I lost his business because of this damn stuff.

1:23:26 Adam Speaking through a megaphone like an old old style crooner. Yeah, they know. They know that. I ring a bell. My squire comes running. Come on, Drew. This guy's calling from Encinitas.

1:23:39 Drew What is that?

1:23:40 Adam That's in Mexico, isn't it? John?

1:23:43 Caller Yeah.

1:23:44 Drew It's in mid-sense.

1:23:45 Adam Where is that? Deep San Diego?

1:23:47 Caller Yeah, down San Diego.

1:23:48 Adam I thought Encinitas was in, I thought it was between like, I thought it was between like Ensenada and Mexico and then Tijuana or something.

1:23:57 Caller About 40 minutes to the border.

1:23:59 Adam 40 minutes to the border.

1:24:01 Caller All right. All right. All right.

1:24:03 Adam So, financial hardship, no good. No.

1:24:06 Caller All right.

1:24:06 Adam Let's take a little break and listen. That whole part where I go in, that's, see, let me explain the problem. Problem is, is I live in Los Angeles. Downtown Los Angeles is not that close to Los Angeles and you got to be there at 7.45 in the morning and the traffic in this goddamn city is so hellish that I have to get up at 6.30 and just sit on a pack thing. I'm not doing it.

1:24:29 Drew I had a woman that could not speak English. Could not. They said, sit down. You're in the box.

1:24:37 Adam Really?

1:24:38 Drew She said, I don't speak. French?

1:24:40 Adam Hungarian? What was it?

1:24:42 Drew It was like Vietnamese.

1:24:44 Adam Oh, really?

1:24:45 Drew No.

1:24:46 Adam Yeah. Let me just, what percentage of Los Angeles jurors don't have a great grasp of the English language? 80%? It's going to be at least, you're hard pressed in Los Angeles. I mean, I don't think people know this coming from other towns. If you're driving around Los Angeles, the city of Los Angeles, and you pull over and ask for directions or pull into a gas station and ask somebody, you're going to have a hard time finding somebody who speaks good English.

1:25:16 Drew This was really...

1:25:17 Adam And it could be any language, but you're going to have a hard time finding English.

1:25:20 Drew I'm telling you, it is a horrible experience. The judge treats you... Screw it.

1:25:23 Adam I pay enough in taxes.

1:25:25 Drew Magnanimously and sort of with like...

1:25:27 Adam No, everyone is there is guilty.

1:25:29 Drew And his thing is like, we're your buddy, if you have to go to the bathroom, just tell us. But your time, your life, that has been crapped up. Screw the system. Sit down.

1:25:36 Adam That's it. I'm paying the fine. We'll be back.

1:25:39 Caller Thank you for calling Loveline. Your call will be answered in the order it seems interesting.

1:25:50 Adam Hey. Oh, it's Loveline, Adam. There, there, I don't know. Let's just get professional jurors. You know, like the NFL.

1:26:07 Drew How about just one of your machines?

1:26:09 Adam Oh, my machine. My ultimate truth machine. My ultimate truth line detector, boy. Put all the attorneys, the judges, the courthouses. We need the courthouses. How much do you think it costs, by the way? What does it cost just to shuffle the prisoner back and forth? Shoe and vans picking him up, got a bunch of guards around him, you know. He's shuffling in with the leg irons on. He's sitting there. Just look at the courthouse itself. You know what I mean? The square footage, the lighting, the stenographer. How much money in stenographers? You think we just, some guy's getting 60 bucks an hour just sitting there piling away. I mean, just picture a good court and now, now take it and turn it into the OJ trial or any of these trials, millions. You understand for what we paid for the OJ trial, we could have built a school?

1:27:10 Drew Of course. And run it for 10 years.

1:27:13 Adam Yes, really? This is it? Let's just get my lie detector. Huh? I don't know. Listen, nothing makes sense. I'm like an alien, Drew. I'm an atheist alien. I don't understand any of this crap. It's such a great system. O.J.'s got a tea time at 7 a.m. tomorrow in Florida. It's a hell of a system. And here's the thing, too. I'm not done with these callers. The thing, too, it's like, well, no one said the system was perfect. Yeah, no ass, Sherlock. These guys killing people are walking all the time on technicalities. Okay, if no one says the system is perfect, then how about we get to work on the lie detector?

1:27:57 Drew How about we work on making it a little better? If not perfect, better.

1:28:01 Adam Well, now, as long as there's a human element, there's always gonna be, so it's never gonna be, all right, good, hook them up to the machine. I think we'd all be satisfied with that.

1:28:10 Drew Yep.

1:28:12 Adam Five years we come out with this thing. All the world scientists go to work on this super light detector. It's done, it's done. Really, what we know about the human brain and the psyche now and all the different things and just focus on the pupils.

1:28:31 Drew There's probably patterns to lying versus not.

1:28:33 Adam Of course. Look, a little experimenting on a handful of cadavers, few inmates, a couple of controversial tests, and we're done. And then the thing, here's the thing. The machine becomes 99.967 accurate. Whereas the jury, well, here's what you get. You get OJ. Walk in, that's what you get. Good enough. What? The system's so great now and anyone's got a few bucks and just buy their innocence? Oh, that's a great system. Oh, that's great. It's just what founding fathers had in mind.

1:29:08 Caller This is good.

1:29:09 Adam All right, all right, I'm done. Danielle?

1:29:12 Caller Yes, hi.

1:29:13 Adam You're 18?

1:29:15 Caller Yes, and I apologize. I sound like a man. I have a really bad cold right now.

1:29:19 Adam That's all right. Go ahead.

1:29:22 Caller Anyways, I had a question.

1:29:25 Drew Yeah.

1:29:26 Caller I was wondering if, I'm on a Selexa right now and I was wondering if there's different antidepressants more than others that can bulk your ability to orgasm, I guess.

1:29:43 Drew You can't orgasm on the Selexa?

1:29:45 Caller I don't know.

1:29:46 I'm wondering if that's what it is.

1:29:48 Drew Yes, that is what it is. Yes. And there are those that are not so apt to do that. Lexa Pro, which is a relative of Selexa, is a little less likely to do that. And the ones that tend not to do it are Serizone, Welbutrin, and Remeron.

1:30:04 Adam Give them a try, baby doll. Tareba?

1:30:10 Yeah.

1:30:11 Adam You're 18?

1:30:13 Caller Yeah.

1:30:14 Adam You gonna sing us a Germany or Florida theme song? All right. Yeah. I'm ready.

1:30:23 Drew Tape running?

1:30:26 Adam Go ahead. Oh, it's running. That was nice. You gotta be pissed to sing twice as good as Pink. She's making all that money, right?

1:30:42 Caller Yeah, you know.

1:30:45 Adam So, now you're a professional singer, Tareba?

1:30:48 Caller No, hope.

1:30:51 Caller I have hope.

1:30:52 Adam What are you doing? What are you doing now?

1:30:54 Caller Oh, I sing like, like sometimes I try out for plays or whatever, but my boyfriend, he raps and we're building like a studio or we have other people. We're doing something, a little something, something.

1:31:07 Adam All right, I'm going to make a guess here. Jewish. You guys are Jewish? Hebrew, that's what I thought. You got a Hanukkah coming up.

1:31:20 Drew Israeli, Israeli.

1:31:21 Caller No, we don't celebrate Hanukkah.

1:31:23 Adam Yeah. All right. So now, what do you so but now here's the thing. It sounds like you got some good pipes to Reba. You know, do you got the look? You do?

1:31:36 Caller I could do, you know, I could do the supermodel thing sometimes or maybe in the original. It depends. I could, I'm versatile.

1:31:43 Adam You're good looking. You got big guy. You got big pipes. You might be able to make a career here. Give me one more Germany or Florida. Solid. All right, listen here, baby. You big gal?

1:32:03 Caller Am I big? No. Yeah. I'm 5'6, 165. It's evenly distributed.

1:32:09 Adam That's right. That's what I like. All right, well, listen. Tareba, thanks. That sounded amazing. We're gonna work you into the rotation. We gotta run because we're pressed for time, but don't ever lose those dreams, baby doll. And we'll be right-

1:32:24 Drew Or you lose your mind.

1:32:25 Adam Or you lose your mind. We'll be right back.

1:32:27 Caller Okay, so I know there's nothing wrong with me. So what's up?

1:32:34 Caller But I tried everything else and thought, what the hell?

1:32:42 Caller 877-889-DATE.

1:33:02 Adam I wanna thank Junior, Junior, I'm gonna marry Tori Amos, Junior, Junior, Junior, Producer, Lauren, for doing a great job.

1:33:11 These are those gold dust moments.

1:33:13 Adam Fawning all over Tori Amos. I wanna thank I Got An Eye Infection, but it wasn't from semen engineer Chris for coming in here.

1:33:22 Drew It wasn't from chlamydia, be fair.

1:33:25 Adam Guys fighting off many, many infections. He came in here anyway. That's a trooper. God bless him and the engineer, whoever filled in while he was gone, including engineer Michelle. Phone screener, Brian. And senior producer, Anne, for booking. Great guest. God damn, the last few nights and few weeks. Big guest next week too as well. And also the Liberace of the Potentiometers, engineer Anderson. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying, Mahalo.

1:34:06 This has been Love Line. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Love Line is Annie Gold. Love Line is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

Episode Feedback

Thursday, December 4, 2003