Episode 1000577942979

0:55 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually oriented content.

1:00 Voiceover Loveline with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

1:03 Adam Hey yo, it's Loveline. And I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Dr. Drew, board certified physician, addiction medicine specialist. Gotta tighten this mic up every night, Joe.

1:16 Drew Likewise, yeah.

1:17 Adam Comes loose.

1:17 Drew Right here.

1:17 Adam Is that from us?

1:18 Drew All the talking? Every time it moves, it just loosens.

1:21 Adam Gotta work these things out. What's going on? Nothing. All American Rejects coming in here tomorrow night.

1:32 Drew Go to the Napster release tonight. Napster's coming out again.

1:35 Adam They are?

1:35 Drew They're coming out with these little iPod type instruments. These little Samsung players. Gonna be able to download stuff.

1:42 Adam How many songs do they hold?

1:44 Drew I haven't found that out yet. I'll bring one in. It's a whole crazy industry that's gonna develop overnight. So I'm at Sapa.

1:56 Adam What's he doing?

1:58 Drew Getting married. Very exciting time for both of us, aren't we?

2:02 Adam Well, here's what I'm basically learning from tonight. If I don't got anything to say, nothing's gonna happen.

2:09 Drew If there's only one of us talking, that's your plan. You can tell me when one person's talking.

2:14 Adam If I come in, I've got full energy, I've got something to say, then we've got something to talk about.

2:19 Drew Or, if you have none and I start talking at you and you don't respond, that's fine.

2:23 Adam I'm talking back at you. Got anything else about Napster?

2:29 Drew No, it's cool. Take a call.

2:34 Adam All right. I didn't know you were done with the Napster thing. I like that.

2:38 Drew Done?

2:39 Adam Okay, so I'm at Zappa.

2:41 Drew I'm at Zappa. Oh, it's good times.

2:44 Adam Christy?

2:45 Yeah.

2:46 Adam You're 22?

2:47 Caller Uh-huh.

2:48 Adam What's up?

2:50 Caller Okay, well, here's the thing. My fiance has trouble coming. And, I mean, it takes some hours. And he was watching a show where this guy was getting his prostate milked, and he was sort of wanting to know if that might help in any sort of way. Help him out.

3:10 Drew What show do you watch where somebody is milking a prostate?

3:12 Adam Road Trip.

3:14 Drew Really?

3:15 Caller I don't know.

3:16 Adam He was just watching a movie, Road Trip. Yes?

3:22 Caller I don't know.

3:26 Adam I love how, I am enthralled with the fact that people do not sweat the details with anything. Anything. Like he was watching a show, like he'd be going, are you talking about Oprah or are you talking about Cinemax porn? What do you mean?

3:41 Drew Hardcore?

3:43 Adam And it like, what the, yeah, your reaction should be what our reaction is, is what do you mean? You're watching a show where you're getting this prostate milk.

3:52 Drew Where was that? Where do you see such a thing? If you don't get back to the Naps today, the similar kind of experiment, I asked several of the executives, so this cat, where'd the cat come from? The cat image, you know, the little kitty? Yeah, I don't know.

4:04 Adam Yeah.

4:05 Drew Really? Don't know it?

4:06 Adam Nobody knows anything. Nobody knows a thing.

4:09 Drew Yeah, so anyway, but still.

4:12 Adam Kristy?

4:13 Caller Yeah?

4:13 Adam Why don't you ask him what show he was watching?

4:17 Caller So was that.

4:19 Drew Right to the source.

4:24 Adam What was the name of that movie again?

4:26 Caller Road Trip.

4:27 Adam Never heard of it.

4:28 Drew Never heard of it.

4:28 Adam Hand seen that one. All right, well, if you saw it in Road Trip, it had to happen.

4:33 Drew It must be true, too.

4:36 Adam Yeah, Road Trip, by the way, Road Trip's a funny movie because when Jimmy and I were pitching our movie to Ivan Reitman about a year before Road Trip came out, we're like, they're like, what's your idea for a movie? They wanna do a movie with us. We're like, we wanna do a movie like a Road Trip movie. It's like a bachelor party where the guys take a road trip. And they're like, everyone got weird and like looked down and went, uh, uh, that's a bad idea. And we're like, well, what, why? I mean, how many Road Trip movies are you ever see and do them? And how can you go wrong? You going to Vegas, you going here, you going to Mexico. And everyone's like, uh, just forget about it. And we got really weird. It was like, they could just said, hey, we're already making a movie called Road Trip. So let's move on to the next idea.

5:17 Drew Thoughtful over their head. Oh my God, these guys thought of it before. They'll sue us. They'll say it's their idea.

5:22 Adam Whatever it was, I just remember everyone getting weird and then saying it was a really bad idea. And we had to move on.

5:27 Drew Well, they were right, given the circumstances.

5:30 Adam Yeah, but anyway, this movie road trip had many, many things in it that don't reflect modern day life or any reality. Yes.

5:37 Drew Listen, there are maybe 1,000th of a percent of guys like their prostate really seriously pressed upon. But that's not your boyfriend. Is he on medication?

5:48 Caller No.

5:49 Drew Is he always had trouble with this?

5:51 Caller Yes.

5:52 Drew That's just him. That's his cadence. That's his rhythm.

5:58 Adam Well, maybe if you're a little bit hotter. No, it's not you.

6:02 Caller Well, he's married me, so I guess I'm hot enough.

6:04 Adam No, it's not you. It's got nothing to do with you, ironically. It really has almost zero to do with the girl, right?

6:12 Drew Yeah.

6:12 Adam I mean, guys that are fast are fast with the fat toothless hookers and fast with their wife and fast with supermodels. Right? So that would all be about the same? And what is that?

6:24 Drew That's biology.

6:25 Adam Yeah.

6:26 So this isn't just his biology. This is how he should do about it.

6:30 Caller Mm-hmm. Okay.

6:31 Adam Yeah, sorry.

6:33 Drew You try a different thing. I'm not saying. I'm not saying give up, don't try anything. You just assume. Right. Don't expect there to be marked difference.

6:41 Adam How about a little oral sex?

6:45 Caller It takes him a long time with either or.

6:47 Drew Mm-hmm.

6:48 Adam What if he, I don't know, what if he gets himself started a little bit, you know? Lays the groundwork, you know what I mean?

6:55 Drew Yeah, absolutely.

6:56 Adam Watches a little porn, strokes himself around. I know once in a while, Drew, you know that's like, once in a while, you get in that beat-off holding pattern. Now, let me explain how that works. That's, you're planning on beating off and the phone rings. But the porn's already fired up and your pants are already down, but you've not officially begun beating off.

7:18 Drew Okay, the clock's not, the train has not left the station.

7:21 Adam Yeah, here's how it works. You fire up the porn, the internet porn, whatever it is you need. You then drop your pants, you get your lube, you do your thing, you do your bib, you spread your towel out, whatever your, pray to your God, whatever your personal ritual is, your beat-off ritual. But the beginning starts just like exercising. Yeah, you know what I mean? You're rolling your shoulders a little bit, you're hearing a little creak in your neck, you're moving around a little bit. You started a slow pace, a slow jog, and then eventually you sort of start pacing it up a little bit. Well, if somebody, if something catches you at the beginning of that ritual, you can go, you'll stay at that level. You see, you'll go into that holding pattern for a little while. Just like if you got a phone call, right before you're gonna work out, you'd still be walking around, still be rolling your neck around, you'd still be sort of rolling your shoulders and stuff, but you wouldn't get into it. You'd be warm.

8:14 Drew Yeah.

8:15 Adam Now, if you can, and that's why I don't pick up the phone, by the way.

8:18 Drew Of course.

8:19 Adam But if you can just stay in that holding pattern, you're already doing that sort of, mm-hmm.

8:24 Drew If you can stay there, or even get a little past that, maybe.

8:26 Adam Let me tell you what the move is. You ever watch those gangbang films? No. No? Really? In the gangbang films, there's the guys engaged with the woman, and then there's the other 11 guys who aren't doing anything. Those guys are doing a sort of haphazard jack, you know, like they're sort of, it's almost like the, the jack move is that, like, I'm going to roll my wrist, but I'm not going to actually get the forearm moving. It's just that kind of, like, I'm in a holding pattern. I got to keep a little blood in the sausage, but I don't want to peek. I don't want to peek.

9:01 Drew You got to be respectable.

9:02 Adam Right. Right.

9:03 Drew Not embarrassing.

9:03 Adam I want to keep the chub up, but I don't want anything to come out. So I got a little, and it's a little rolling. It's really, it's like they're, it's like that movie about that crazy captain who rolled those balls in his hand. Mm-hmm.

9:17 Mm-hmm.

9:17 Drew You can see now where the damage came from.

9:19 Mm-hmm.

9:19 Drew It's nice.

9:20 Adam Mm-hmm. I'll find out the name of that movie.

9:22 Drew Tara.

9:23 Adam Tara? Tara? Hello?

9:31 Drew Tara.

9:34 Adam Well, I had to hang up on her.

9:36 Drew That's why she wouldn't respond, because we call her Tara.

9:39 Adam It's too confusing.

9:40 Drew So, then Tara?

9:41 Adam Yeah. Well...

9:42 Drew I'm not Tara. I'm Tara.

9:44 Adam Yeah. Well, if her name is Susan or Suzanne, it's...

9:47 Drew It's so confusing.

9:49 Adam I just had my finger. I don't know what it is about people that have the name that could be pronounced either way and then make a deal out of it. She didn't make a big deal out of it. Not like Tara, don't call me Tara, goddammit. I really love the ones who go, do I look like a Tara? You're like, wait, which one are you? Are you Tara or Tara? Come on. Do I look like a Tara? I don't even know what the hell you look, you don't look like anything. I even like the spelling ones. You think I would spell Catherine with a K? I don't know, seems like half the people do. I just like the part where they're mildly indignant about it. Michelle? What's happening baby doll?

10:40 Okay, my problem is that I'm 20 and I really haven't been in a serious relationship and I'm starting to think that something is wrong with me just given the fact that most of my friends are in relationships or serious relationships.

10:56 Drew Can you not tolerate being in one? Have you not had an opportunity to be in one? What's going on?

11:02 No, it's not the fact that I've had my random one-night stands and whatnot and if that is my whim or whatever then that builds the need for the night.

11:18 Adam Be quiet.

11:20 You're not answering anything.

11:21 Adam Shut up. Shut up.

11:24 Drew Alright.

11:25 Adam Drew wanted to know if you couldn't tolerate being in a relationship and you said you've had some one-night stands.

11:30 I've never really been in one.

11:33 Drew Is that because you've not had an opportunity? No one wants to be in one with you? Or because when the opportunity arises you can't tolerate it?

11:40 You know, for a while I thought it was the fact that my standards are too high.

11:47 Drew Alright, so you avoid it. You avoid relationships.

11:51 Kind of. I think I just pretty much avoid trusting people and I want to know what strategies or tactics I can use to get over that.

11:59 Drew Well, what happened with your dad?

12:00 What happened with my dad? My dad is a very...

12:06 He's a very like...

12:07 I don't know how to explain it. he can be very, very cruel.

12:12 Very mean.

12:13 He's not like a mean person, you know?

12:16 Drew Except he is mean.

12:17 Adam Except for he acts mean. I know everybody does that thing where they go, he's a really good guy. It's just when he gets drunk and he starts hitting people. But look, here's the whole thing. You know, there's a lot of people out there that aren't bad guys, that just do bad things, and they're not mean people, they just do mean things. I'll tell you, I would like to have a legitimately bad guy who just did nice things. I'd hang out with that guy any day. Who knows? Who the hell knows what lurks inside of everybody? Oh, you're the world's greatest guy, but all we get is the A-hole? Screw it, you're an A-hole. Let's do that too, like when people murder people, it's like, that's not him. He's not capable of it. I mean, you don't understand, that's not the John I knew. It's like, all right, but he killed somebody. Well, that's just not his normal... Oh, I know, he doesn't kill every day. That's fantastic. You'd be a great attorney. Michelle?

13:20 Caller Yeah. Like, I don't want to sound like some naive girl who just, you know, is saying that, you know, my dad, you know, is nice sometimes, but he just, he has a way of just making me feel bad.

13:34 Adam So your dad screwed you up a little, and now you're scared to get intimate with a guy.

13:38 Caller Exactly. How do I get over something like that? Well, you either......for the rest of my life.

13:43 Drew Well, you either find someone to try this on with or you get therapy. Those are basically... Or both.

13:48 Caller I've been in therapy since the age of 13, and I just kind of find it to be... My problem is that most therapists that I, like, kind of counter with, just basically, I don't feel like they have the capabilities of knowing more than I do. Like, I...

14:05 Drew Well, here's the reality, Michelle. Michelle, here's the reality. They do. Every single one of them.

14:11 Caller I've been through... I'm not even kidding.

14:13 Drew And do you even know what their job is?

14:16 Caller Yeah, I know what their job is.

14:17 Drew What's their job? What is their job?

14:18 Caller School for a little while.

14:19 Drew What? No, what is their job?

14:21 Adam I don't know. Who cares?

14:22 Drew I don't know.

14:23 Adam All right, you can tell people, but it's okay. Don't go to the therapist, then. You're doing fine, baby. No therapist can tell you anything. Right. You can't argue with these kind of results, can you?

14:35 Drew She's got it all together.

14:36 Adam You got it together. Look, first off, you should not have a guy therapist. I think she's freaked out with the guys. Or maybe she should. I feel like she's going to reject a guy therapist.

14:48 Drew Or find an abusive one.

14:50 Adam Here's the thing. Two choices with any of these problems that fall under this heading. Or actually three. Just get over yourself and start trying to do whatever it is you can't do. Get in a relationship and gut it out. There's going to be times you feel like leaving or abandoning the person or pushing them away. Don't do it. See how... You're not going to get a five-year relationship out of the gate, but you might put together eight months and sort of chip away. Next thing is get some therapy and the third is do both. Or do none and call us in five years. And then kill me if I'm here.

15:26 Caller I have to finish with her.

15:28 Drew Michelle?

15:31 Caller I appreciate it.

15:32 Drew Michelle?

15:33 Caller I mean, I've always had female therapists. I've been through like five different therapists. Michelle? I don't know, five different therapists.

15:39 Drew A. A. And what did you think they were supposed to do for you? No.

15:50 Caller A.

15:50 Drew Yes, I know, but that's not, not with what you've got. Their job is to sit there and listen and not say anything. And to have, just to follow you emotionally wherever you go emotionally. That's it. They shouldn't be saying anything to you.

16:03 Adam Even if you go to the bathroom, they should follow you, right Drew?

16:05 Drew Emotionally, spiritually too.

16:07 Adam I don't think my therapist speaks English.

16:10 Drew Because he never, well, listen, even if your therapist had something to say, how, how would that work? How would he have time?

16:16 Adam He knows I know more than he does. I'm just petrified.

16:19 Drew Michelle, is that you?

16:20 Adam I'm just, I'm just going so I can say, do it. Tara?

16:24 Yeah?

16:25 Adam Tara?

16:26 Drew Tara?

16:28 Adam Oh, it is Tara.

16:30 Mm-hmm.

16:30 Adam All right, what's going on?

16:33 Yeah, I'm 25. I've been on methadone for about two years now, and I've just been, you know, of course, one of the side effects of that is it's low sexual. My drive's actually okay, but it's been more like difficulty, like, have achieving orgasm, and I never really had a problem with that, you know, previously in my life.

16:53 Drew Yeah, methadone does that for sure.

16:55 Right, yeah, but what I am, my question is, I guess, you know, I've been seeing on TV and just, you know, different ads and stuff about, I guess it's like, you know, enhancement like medication for women. I know, like, Avalonil is one of them, and it's not even, like, prescription, but, I mean, would that be something that would counter that at all, or?

17:17 Drew Possibly, possibly Viagra or Levitra, one of the new ones.

17:21 Adam We're not talking about the stuff you see, the stuff you're seeing.

17:25 Drew Yeah, not stuff you're going to read about in the magazine or see on TV. You've got to get prescription medication.

17:29 Yeah, yeah, that's when I figured it had to be something stronger.

17:32 Drew Methadone is one of the most powerful medications that there are. You're fighting a very powerful biology here. And you need, you know, and it may or may not work. I don't know if there's any literature that's studied this, but I know people are trying things like that.

17:44 Adam How much of that methadone do you do a day?

17:47 A hundred milligrams.

17:48 Drew That's a big dose. What about coming off methadone?

17:51 Well, that's in the cards pretty soon, hopefully. It's a scary thing for me, you know.

17:57 Drew Well, everybody, everyone on methadone has a pathological fear of coming off it. Yeah. Well beyond the reality. And if you come off it, you're going to have to work a very rigorous program of recovery. Because you're going to want to go chip heroin.

18:13 I regret doing it sometimes, you know, because I feel like it's held me back so much.

18:17 Drew It makes you chronically ill. It really does.

18:19 Adam It does.

18:20 Drew But, you know, it saves a life sometimes.

18:22 Adam Were you able to work?

18:24 Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I mean, I live a, you know, besides that, a pretty normal life. And like my quality of life, you know, from going from like heroin to methadone went way up. But except for my sex life, you know. It wasn't that great, you know, while I was doing that. But I was hoping it could at least kind of be somewhat like it used to be, you know, when I was younger, before I got all screwed up on.

18:48 Adam Well, look into those Levitra and Viagra. And then look into... Come on, let's go. You know, it's weird. I was just thinking, and getting off the methadone. You know, it's funny, they just name Levitra and Viagra, right? They do whatever they want. Viagra sort of got that vigor kind of thing into it.

19:09 Drew They go around, they study what letters have power and meaning and marketability. So, Z and X and these sorts of things for the last 10 years have been the big ones.

19:18 Adam Yeah, but let me say this. And it depends what they're trying to do, too.

19:22 Drew And, by the way, the generic name, you know, the name to describe the compound, also made up.

19:27 Adam Really?

19:27 Drew Two made up names for every medication.

19:30 Adam Well, you know, here's the thing. I'm just thinking about Viagra and Levitra. They both sound like Ricky Martin songs. And then I started thinking, maybe there's, you know, Spanish fly. It ain't called German fly. You know what I mean? It's not Jewish fly. It's Spanish fly. And then I'm wondering if there's a, they're trying to sort of, you know, how the sounds remind you of things, you know, you name your car the, you know, Acura and stuff like that. You don't name it the Schleppmobile, you know. You name it something that sounds good. But I'm just wondering if the Levitra and the Viagra almost got that sort of Latin lover kind of, I wonder if you think that way when you think, you know, like I said, Spanish fly.

20:15 Drew Yeah, it's got kind of a, right, it has sort of a Hispanic twist, but it's Viagra, Vigor, Levitra, Levitate.

20:22 Adam Yeah, I didn't get that. Levitra just sounds like the name of a black chick gone wrong. But they're both, they're both, they're both almost sound, they almost sound alike and they sound like some sort of Spanish word meaning vitality.

20:40 Drew Yeah, vitality, that's right.

20:41 Adam Alright. I'm just wondering, I don't know, is it some Spanish fly kind of Latin lovery thing going on? I mean, you don't think, you know, you don't think, you don't think German, you know, when you think that sort of passion and the lover and that kind of stuff, and you know, you don't think Jewish and you don't think a bunch of stuff, but you do think that Latin kind of thing. Luis? Yeah, you're 24.

21:10 Caller Yes.

21:11 Adam What's happening?

21:14 Caller Oh, first of all, you guys are awesome.

21:15 Adam Thanks.

21:17 Caller Yeah. I've been married for four years now, and our love life is still incredible. I mean, we still go at it like when we were, when we were first going out together. Like once in the morning and the evening. That'd be great. Here's my question for Dr. Drew, though. Every now and then, my wife complains, though, that she gets a pain by like kind of in the abdomen area.

21:41 Drew Yeah. No wonder.

21:42 Adam Yeah. You're pounding, you're pounding her like a veal chop.

21:47 Drew Abalone.

21:48 Adam Jesus Christ. Yeah. I mean, come on.

21:53 Caller And it hadn't like, it had never really, she never really felt like that before until just recently.

21:59 Drew Well, look, any chance she's pregnant?

22:03 Caller No chance.

22:03 Drew When was her last pelvic exam? When was her last pelvic?

22:07 Caller Oh, I'm not sure. But I know like she did get her, she got her tubes tied.

22:13 Drew She needs to stay on top of the regular exam. She may have an infection. She may have endometriosis. She may have a cyst. There's a ton of different things that can be, but you know, get in there, get checked. There's no way we can speculate. And in most probabilities, high-price probabilities, that is nothing.

22:26 Adam Speaking of staying on top, you know, maybe she ought to just do that once in a while. That would not hurt her. Take it easy. How about some Florida or Germany calls? That's my new favorite part of the show. Again, I got to give props where props are due. That was not invented by me. That was invented by just about all the writers at the Jimmy Kimmel Live during the writers' lunch. Everyone fell so much in love with Florida or Germany.

22:57 Drew Real to life.

22:57 Adam Yes, you find crazy, F'd up stories that either come from Florida or Germany and call up, and we'll guess. And I think we're 9 out of 10 so far. Yes, Drew?

23:07 Drew No, better than that.

23:08 Adam Better?

23:09 Drew 9 out of 10? We started last night. Were we?

23:12 Adam We haven't done that many, have we?

23:14 Drew I remember saying that at the beginning of the show last night. We did a couple more.

23:18 Adam We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. Phone number, 1-800-DE-1-9-1. Just thinking about Bush having his, George Bush having himself a Ramadan dinner over at the White House tonight. And I just realized, being a president, it's gotta be like being married, like 90% of the crap, you don't wanna do it, and you have to button your lip and pretend like you're really into it. You know Bush, oh sure, Texas oil guy, big drinker, partier, went to Harvard and then went into like the Coast Guard or something. Yeah, this guy loves Ramadan.

24:07 Drew Well, he's practiced for years since his kid.

24:10 Adam Oh, just take a look at Bush.

24:12 Drew Ramadan and Kwanzaa, he's been doing both.

24:14 Adam Nothing bigger in Texas than the Ramadan holiday. I mean, you're from Texas, that is the Ramadan state. Of course. I mean, you know, I mean, he has a thing every year about this time anyway. I think he just decided to invite people this year.

24:29 Drew What do you mean? Of course.

24:31 Adam It's gotta be so brutal just pretending like you're into everything and that you respect everything.

24:36 Drew You for the Ramadan and barbecue? Of course.

24:41 Adam This guy, when he gets a day off, likes a clear brush. By the way, now that California's on fire, not such a bad idea. Maybe we all should have done a little more brush clearing, a little less Xbox playing, but the point is, is Bush has to pretend. But by the way, Bush supposed to be a religious guy. According to his religion, there ain't a whole lot of room for other wacky religions, by the way, when you're religious, I mean, that's number one thing when you're in a religion. That's by the way, why they're trying to kill us, which is, hey, our religion, we got the right one. You guys got the wrong one. We gotta kill you. Now, really, if Bush was a little bit truer to his religious teaching, shouldn't he not be so into throwing the Ramadan party at the White House? And what's that cost to the taxpayers? And look, can't somebody just pipe up and go, look, you got your religion, we got ours, that's fine. We're not gonna try to kill you or anything, but don't expect us to toss you a party every year this time. Nah, you gotta sit there and pretend like it. You gotta shake hands. I can just see him at the dinner like, oh man, is it seven? It's seven already. Well, I'm tuckered. I'm gonna head upstairs. Yeah, yeah, I'm just, oh, oh, this is just a salad has come out. Oh, okay, I'm gonna take mine up in my room. Hey, no, don't get up. You guys have been great. Just hang out. Go to the game room. Yeah, go check out the Oval Office, whatever. I mean, don't touch anything, but fine, great, thanks. See you next year, right, fellas? Oh, everything's good? Yeah, it's gonna be a great time for Rob Bush. And just again, just Drew, isn't about three quarters of your married life pretending like either you want to go places that you don't want to go or then pretending like you like people that you don't really like that much? Really, some sort of ambassador for your wife. You have to walk around. Oh, no, no, yeah, no, they're great. Yeah, yeah, no, oh, yeah, no, that wedding. Yeah, that wedding out in New Hall. Yeah, oh, Saturday. Yeah, that's great. No, I don't want to watch college football. Let's go. That's all you do is just pretend. Put something nice on and pretend like you're enjoying these people, enjoying this, and then you're interested. Yeah, that's the married life, everybody. And just like the president, you have to pretend you're interested. It's not enough that you just throw the goddamn Ramadan dinner. You have to act like it was your idea and you wanted to do it. It's great. I would have loved that conversation. Like, Mr. President, we're going to have to throw a Ramadan there. What? Ring-a-ding. Ramadan? What's that for? That's what? For the Jews? No, the blacks. No, Mexicans, right? No, that's for the Muslim people. Alright, just this once. No, every year. Oh, Christ Almighty. Jennifer? You're 19? What's up?

27:48 Caller I have a question. I want to know what it means when you and your ex have sex.

27:54 Drew It means he was horny.

27:55 Caller It means he was horny?

27:57 Adam And you were either drunk or stupid.

27:59 Caller Either drunk or stupid?

28:01 Drew Jennifer? We're not really kidding. It doesn't mean anything.

28:07 Adam Well, I'll tell you what it means. Who dumped who?

28:11 He dumped me.

28:12 Adam Then it means less than nothing. Really? Yes. If he dumps you and you have sex with him, it just means you're sort of stupid. Or used or whatever. I mean, look, I don't want to come down on you. You know what it's like when you're into somebody, you're into them.

28:31 Caller Yeah, it was like love at first sight for me.

28:33 Drew Yeah, but he's not that way.

28:37 Adam How long did you guys go out before he dumped you?

28:39 Caller We went out for three weeks.

28:41 Adam Three weeks.

28:44 Drew I knew she was going to say that.

28:45 Caller Yeah, we broke up about five weeks ago.

28:48 Drew Why?

28:49 Caller Because he thought I cheated on him, but I did not.

28:52 Drew No, he's just looking for a way out.

28:54 Adam He just wanted to sort of... And by the way, it's such a coward's way to do it when you toss it in the other person's lap and you go, oh, fine. No, no, fine, I'm out of here. And you want it out, and now this person feels responsible and is apologizing.

29:09 Drew Really, the relationship right now you're sleeping with him is the same relationship you had with him before, really. That's why it's probably confusing to you. You really didn't have anything else going on except him doing that to you before.

29:19 Adam What's this guy do?

29:21 Caller For a living?

29:24 Caller That's illegal.

29:26 Drew What he does is illegal?

29:27 Adam He sells drugs, right?

29:31 Caller Yeah. He just started back after we broke up.

29:35 Drew You live in Sunland? Aren't you on fire out there?

29:39 Caller No, it's not around here. I don't think, I haven't seen I don't have a TV, so I don't know. She's in Sunland.

29:48 Adam They have the outlaw information.

29:50 Caller No, I live in a boarding care for adults, so I don't have that much.

29:55 Drew Why are you on boarding care?

29:56 Caller I've been basically awarded a court since I was 11. Because my mother just picked the wrong people and I was taken away.

30:08 Drew You were sexually abused?

30:09 Caller Sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse.

30:12 Drew Now you're maintaining that pattern with your peers.

30:16 Adam Now she's having geographical abuse by living in Sunland.

30:20 Drew The fire could be surrounding her for all she knows.

30:24 Adam Sunland burned, it'd be a great day. It'd be a huge step up for Sunland. And by the way, Sunland is at the top of my list for taking cities and giving them numbers instead of names.

30:38 Drew You lived in Sunland, didn't you?

30:40 Adam I lived around Sunland. I had to pass through that pit to get to my pit. I traveled from my North Hollywood pit to my La Crescenta pit and I would travel through Sunland to do it and it always made me feel a little bit better about my situation the few miles I spent going through Sunland. Yeah, see, poor people, they move out here from Minnesota, they go, oh, Sunland, that sounds nice. Oh, Hawaiian Gardens, that sounds great. If we do my number system, they'll just see 1572. They'll go, wow, out of 1600? I don't sound like too good a city. All right, so Jennifer. Sorry for what you've been through. Get your ass out of Sunland as soon as possible. I don't understand why you need to be to board and care place.

31:28 Caller I have no family that will take me.

31:32 Adam My family wouldn't take me when I was 19. You just get a job.

31:36 Drew Are you bipolar or something?

31:39 Caller I'm bipolar. Borderline?

31:42 Adam You can still get a job.

31:45 Yeah.

31:46 Adam I'm talking to you, Jennifer.

31:47 Caller Yeah, I can't really get a job right now because my ex before, the one I just broke up with now, kind of stole every information on me. My birth certificate, social security card, identification.

31:58 Adam I hope your mom falls on a piece of rusty rebar and is impaled in it and not dead.

32:05 Drew Just walk around with it.

32:06 Adam Just pick that by crows.

32:07 No, stuck there.

32:09 Adam Pick that by crows.

32:10 Caller My two youngest brothers still live with her.

32:15 Adam Yeah, they'll be in prison soon. We'll be paying for them. Okay, somebody's got to tie your mom's tubes and then cauterize them. And then put an M-80 up there. Nothing ever happens again. So listen, Jennifer, forget about this guy. Forget about all guys. You've got to get your crap together. Do you hear me?

32:34 Caller Yeah, I hear you.

32:36 Adam You're done. You're 19. You're alone. That's fine. You're smart. You're articulate. I can hear you.

32:41 Drew Get some girlfriends. I don't mean a girlfriend sexually. I mean girlfriends.

32:46 Adam And not those...

32:46 Caller I don't really have that many friends.

32:48 Well, don't find any of those...

32:50 Adam None of those Sunlin chicks with the teardrop tattoo chewing the juicy fruit in the dark eyeliner. Stay away from them, gang bangers.

33:00 Drew Yeah, Adam, we grew up in Southern California, so the M-80 was part of the lore of what we grew up around. I wonder if other parts of the country know what M-80s are.

33:07 Adam I think.

33:09 Drew You know? You think about it.

33:10 Adam Well, there's a bad problem.

33:12 Drew You go to Tijuana and you get the M-80s, but if you don't live in Tijuana...

33:17 Adam Yeah, but maybe it's like stickball.

33:20 Drew I just don't know. Maybe. But I'd love to hear if in Minnesota they know what an M-80 is or North Dakota.

33:24 Adam But our callers are so goddamn stupid they haven't heard of anything.

33:30 Drew But if somebody has heard of it, that will be sort of...

33:33 Adam Yeah, I don't confirm it.

33:36 Drew Alright, we don't care about the minion that don't.

33:38 Adam Well now, Beth is from Arizona. Just for fun?

33:46 Drew There you go.

33:46 Adam Sean is from Kansas City? Sean is 24? Yeah. He's a male. Males are more apt to know.

33:54 Drew They won't know what a male is.

33:55 Sean is an explosive device.

34:00 Adam An explosive?

34:01 See, that's a trick question. I'm originally from California.

34:05 Adam Okay, hold on a second.

34:07 Drew Ask Beth. Crystal.

34:10 Adam Crystal? Alright. Crystal?

34:13 Caller Yeah.

34:16 Adam Crystal, do you know the name of the president?

34:19 Um, George Bush.

34:21 Adam How about the vice president?

34:25 Caller No.

34:27 Adam Have you heard of an M-80?

34:30 Caller Yes, I've heard of an M-80.

34:33 Adam What is it?

34:34 Caller It's an explosive device.

34:38 Drew Are you just saying what Sean just said a few seconds ago? By the way, out here, you wouldn't describe it that way.

34:45 Adam No. Alright. Crystal? Hang on a second, sweetie. I've got to take a Germany or Florida here. Okay.

34:59 Drew Ask Jeff about the M-80.

35:01 Adam Jeff?

35:01 Caller I've got two Germany, Florida things for you.

35:05 Drew Hold on.

35:05 Adam One sec. Jeff knows what an M-80 is.

35:08 Drew Oh, sure.

35:09 Adam I can tell by the tone of people's voice whether they know stuff or not.

35:14 Drew If somebody asked you what an M-80 was, how would you describe it?

35:17 Caller Silver, like a firecracker type thing. It's silver with a fuse in the middle.

35:21 Drew They were red. They were red.

35:22 Adam Yeah, they were red.

35:23 Drew With cement on the ends.

35:24 Adam I think the one we used to use when we were silver. Really?

35:27 Drew I've never seen silver ones.

35:29 Adam I always see the sort of orange-red ones.

35:31 Drew Yeah, they look like little sticks of dynamite.

35:33 Adam I've got some, actually.

35:37 Drew I can't let my kids find out about that. Jeff, they'll be over at your house tomorrow.

35:40 Adam You have a Florida or Germany?

35:43 Caller They're similar in nature, one's worse than the other. These were actually online. I read them in the paper first, and then I saw them online just to confirm them.

35:51 Drew Start with the easy one.

35:52 Caller This is the writer's one. It's on the writer's news service. A man cut off his own penis with a kitchen knife to cure his addiction to sex. The man called a friend around 8 o'clock to say he'd done something stupid. Police said in a statement yesterday. He'd been drinking vodka to pluck up courage for the amateur surgery. Police arrived to discover the blood-soaked man, 41, in his apartment and his organ under the kitchen table. Emergency services rushed him to end his penis to a nearby hospital. The man did not want his penis to be reattached.

36:23 Drew Then I tell you, listen, I told you last couple nights, it's amazing how frequently people cut off their junk. It happens all the time.

36:30 Adam I'm this close. Yeah. This is a tough one. It's pretty generic.

36:35 Drew It's generic.

36:36 Adam Forty-something-year-old guy who's got a problem with his dork.

36:39 Caller Because of sex addiction.

36:40 Adam And a sex addiction.

36:41 Drew Germans have a lot of sex addictions.

36:43 Adam Yeah.

36:43 Drew But they don't go so nutty as we do here with it.

36:47 Adam I know. And then the vodka's kind of a push.

36:50 Drew I'm going to Florida.

36:51 Adam You going to Florida? Well, we should compete. I'm going to go to Germany just to make a game out of it.

37:00 Caller All right.

37:01 Drew And what is it?

37:02 Caller Adam Wins. It's Germany.

37:03 Caller Ooh.

37:04 Adam The Ace man up there. All right.

37:07 Drew You've not missed any.

37:08 Adam No, I guess I have.

37:10 Caller This is a little worse.

37:11 Caller Same theme. A student cuts off penis and tongue. A student cut off his penis and tongue with garden shears while tripping on a hallucinogenic drug. The 18-year-old went into his garden and set about severing his organs after downing a tea made with the plant Angel's Trumpet. The plant is a powerful and dangerous hallucinogen. Doctors were unable to...

37:30 Drew By the way, just for the record, people always go, oh, when I take hallucinogens, it opens my mind to things. You are on drug. Your brain is misfiring. You could do...

37:41 Adam Not me, Drew.

37:42 Drew You could cut your tongue and your penis off, no problem. I have great thoughts.

37:46 Adam I'm a genius. I can play concert piano when I'm high. Okay. I'm going to Florida on this one.

37:53 Drew I'm with you.

37:53 Caller All right, it also says his mother said he was behaving normally the whole day until he left the house and disappeared into the garden for a couple of minutes. When he returned to the house, he was wearing a towel wrapped around him and was bleeding heavily from his mouth and his legs. Doctors said the teenagers would need years of support.

38:07 Adam All right, now hold on a second. The idea that his mother was around makes me think Germany, but I say Florida. This is a Florida move.

38:16 Drew And the towel around is a little Germanic.

38:18 Adam Oh, it is. All right, what do you want, Drew?

38:20 Drew I don't know.

38:21 Adam I'm going to Florida.

38:23 Drew And I've never heard of this product, this herb or whatever you're talking about.

38:26 Adam Oh, really?

38:27 Drew It doesn't really grow around here. Who knows what it really is?

38:29 Adam Angel's Trumpet? Oh, well, that's an interesting one. I'm going to Florida. Why don't you go to Germany?

38:35 Drew All right.

38:36 Adam Where are you going?

38:37 Drew Florida.

38:37 Adam All right.

38:39 Caller You're both wrong. It's another Germany.

38:41 Adam Oh, you see, Drew, you had a chance to get on the board. We're going to send you out a windbreaker.

38:46 Caller Oh, great.

38:47 Adam And the home version of the game. By the way, you know, people always said that was a big deal when I was growing up. I got the home version. It's like, well, you're on TV every day. I don't have to move. You know?

38:59 Drew Yeah, but you can't compete with your friends and your family.

39:01 Adam Sure you can.

39:02 Drew So your family didn't play games, board games. The idea of somebody playing a board game with you was so alien, you're like, why would there be a home game? Nothing happens in my home.

39:11 Adam Oh, those cheap bastards. God damn, it's like, oh. I mean, you understand, if my mom wants a toaster oven, she gets it at a garage sale. Oh yeah. I mean, listen people, I ain't even close to kidding. Here's my statement. I don't think my mom and my stepdad have bought a new item, a new item that cost more than $30 in maybe their whole life. Now, you could say, well, they bought a car, yeah, but the car was 10 years old. You see what I'm saying?

39:54 Drew That's good times.

39:54 Adam No, no, it's great times. It's great, especially when you're trapped in the house with them.

39:58 Drew When you're 15, you're teenage and you're impressed with girls.

40:00 Adam No, nothing better. Nothing better. Nothing. Sure, because, you know, as a 14 year old, you've made a money.

40:09 Drew Plus, your self-confidence just extrudes.

40:11 Adam Bramming, bramming, bramming, bramming. Nothing better.

40:13 Drew Yeah, and so having a family. Nothing better. Yeah.

40:16 Adam We'll take ourselves a little break. We'll be right back. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline and Adam. That's Dr. Drew. All American Rejects in here tomorrow night, and us tonight. Drew grabbed himself a little cupcake. I'm happy. Drew likes food. Yeah, I'm on the... He's a passionate man. Drew and I went out to dinner last night, and Drew said... It was like, there's always that, here's what happens, when you get older, you don't want to order dessert, except for you do want to order dessert, but you don't really want to order dessert. So as long as everyone at the table wants to order dessert, you'll order dessert, or as long as you can get people to verbally commit to share the dessert with you, then you'll order the dessert, even if you eat most of it.

41:15 Drew That's right.

41:15 Adam And so it's always like this, the waiter always comes around, uh, she has exceeded the dessert menu.

41:20 Drew Everybody looks at each other.

41:21 Adam There's a weird little, there's a little standoff for a second. You know, it's like, it's like, everyone's looking, eyes shifting back and forth. It's a little beep. Then someone pipes up, uh, oh, what do you got? Now there's another little standoff for a second. And then, and then it's like, uh, then the guy wants dessert, says to the other people at the table, I haven't piped up. You, you're going to get something?

41:48 Drew And I go, no, somebody splits up with me. Somebody help me.

41:51 Adam Now, first it's, you're going to get something. And the person goes, uh, well, why? You, you thinking about something? Trying to feel each other out. Like we're all bidding on the same piece of a German chocolate cake or something. Trying to get a feel. Uh, yeah, I could, uh, no, not, you know, and then someone will ruin it. Now, if somebody, somebody comes in too early and says, no, no, no dessert for me. Then everyone goes, no, yeah, yeah, no, no, no, no. The folly, folly, what foolish thoughts we entertain about dessert. Please, no, move along, move along. Just bring the, bring the check, please. But if, but if you can get guy, if you can get a guy, now then there's this one too. There's a guy who does this, and there's a way to do it. No, no dessert for me, but you guys, but you guys. Go ahead, go ahead. Right off the thing. And then, and then that here, and that goes into this. Oh, okay, but you gotta help me out with, oh yeah, I'll have a bite. Oh, all right, but then, you know, so, Drew said he wanted a little cookie or biscotti. And the guy's like, well, we do, we don't have a biscotti, but we do have a cookie basket.

42:54 Drew Almond cookie basket.

42:55 Adam Almond cookie basket. And Drew is like, oh, all right, well, bring the, yeah, it usually comes with the ice cream, he said. Would you like the ice cream with that? And we're like, no, just bring the almond cookie basket. And he's like, all right. He brings us a basket. A basket. It was made out of cookie dough, but it was the shape of a basket.

43:19 Drew It was like, you put ice cream in not to be eaten, but to hold the ice cream, but it was made out of almond cookies.

43:26 Adam Right. It was not a basket of...

43:27 Drew Petrified almond cookies.

43:29 Adam It was not a basket of almond cookies, it was an almond cookie basket. Here's the other thing, too. It's always amazing. People at workplaces are doing stuff like, you know, we're not the maitre d'etat place. You say we got an almond cookie basket. We're going to go ahead and assume...

43:45 Drew And by the way, I gave him this sort of biscotti cookie, something to sort of finish off with. I gave him that headline.

43:52 Adam He's going to have to say to Point, you understand, this isn't cookies. It's basically a woven dough-like material that's been shaped over a fist and deep-fried. So then it's weird because now we got this basket, like a pot, like a planter shows up made out of edible stuff.

44:13 Drew Right.

44:14 Adam And so we all just sort of ate the basket.

44:17 Drew That was weird.

44:21 Adam The guy must have thought we were weird.

44:23 Drew For ordering that without the ice cream.

44:25 Adam Yeah, no, no, we don't want that. Just give us the basket.

44:28 Drew The cookie basket.

44:29 Adam Yeah.

44:30 Drew Beth?

44:32 Adam You're 17? Yeah. I wonder if he charged us for the whole... They do that too. They go, no, we got it, you know, the ice cream in the back. You really have to, huh? What's up, Beth?

44:44 Caller I was wondering if it was possible to like ruin your sex drive before you had sex by using vibrators and things like that?

44:54 Drew Not your sex drive.

44:56 Caller Well, I don't really know how it works, I guess, because I haven't had sex, but...

45:00 Adam You have a vibrator?

45:01 Caller Yeah, I do.

45:03 Caller And the reason I'm asking this is because the first time I used it, it was like fun right away, and I kind of got something out of it, and then ever since then, it's like harder and harder.

45:14 It takes longer, and it's just like...

45:16 Drew How often are you doing it?

45:18 Caller Well, I just got it recently, like about a month ago, and the first night was like really good right away. The second night, it was a little less. The third night, it was a little less than I waited for like two weeks.

45:29 Drew Two weeks? See, we're not going to be able to do that.

45:31 Adam I'm going to be in like 20 minutes. All right. Got to get back on that horse. Yeah, two weeks, and then what?

45:37 Caller And then, it was a little easier after two weeks. I wondered if like, am I going to be that?

45:44 Adam Here's the thing. Women need some emotional attachment. They have to have an emotional experience. And just the pure physical part is okay for some women, but most women, especially 17-year-olds, sort of need something a little more. Something a little more.

46:02 Drew Be that as it may, she's had to store it up a few and let them loose.

46:07 Adam They bust it out every once in a while. I mean, Ramadan's, I don't know if she celebrates, but right in the middle of Ramadan, that's Vibrate or Caesar.

46:13 Drew Is that right?

46:14 Adam Oh yeah. Bush will be handing those out as swizzle sticks during his big... And by the way, how much... Really, what's that cost in us? What's that cost in us?

46:22 Drew The Ramadan feasts?

46:23 Adam Yeah. You ever think about that? Whatever goes on over there at the White House is going to cost us something. What's that? $75,000 for the Ramadans. Here you go. Have some tamuli. Oh, we're going to blow you up. All right. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. Hey, everybody, it's the Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1, All American Rejects in here tomorrow night. Dickie from The Boss Tones was going to come out tonight, but we sort of lost track of each other. Dickie's out here announcing for the Jimmy Kimmel Show all week.

47:23 Drew Know how funny.

47:24 Adam Their regular announcer, Andy Milonakis, is out on assignment. And Dickie's in here doing his thing. Great guy, that Dickie. Did a great job last night with the announcing job. You know, I mean, I have some... You know, doing some, I'll tell you, doing some announcing like that, all you can do is f-up. No one ever says, oh, what a spectacular job. You were able to read off a 3x5 card a few people's names, but it's nerve-racking when people sort of point at you and the band queues up and you're, you know... He did everything perfectly except for, he forgot to mention Jimmy. He was like, let's see, who the hell? He was like, tonight's guest, tonight's guest, Brooke Burke is going to be in Ed McMahon and I'm Dicky Barrett from the Boston. And that was it. And then Jimmy ran out there and I guess you could argue that, okay, people know the name of the show.

48:25 Drew Did Jimmy bring it up right away?

48:26 Adam I don't think Jimmy noticed it because Jimmy was walking in, coming in through the hall as he ran out on stage and everyone, you know, thunderous applause. Other than that, fantastic job.

48:41 Caller Alright.

48:43 Adam Amber?

48:43 Caller Mm-hmm.

48:45 Adam 22? Yeah.

48:46 Caller Okay, this is my question. First of all, I want to say about the M-80. I'm from Portland and we have Indian reservations. So you can buy them, I think, all over the United States from Indian reservations.

48:59 Adam Those are your Mexicans, huh?

49:01 Drew Maybe those are the silver ones.

49:03 Adam Those are her Mexicans. I just thought about that. You know, we have Mexicans. We don't need Indians. You guys have Indians.

49:08 Caller We have Indians. And I don't know if they're silver or orange because I've never bought any, but my brother has, so I know that Indian reservations...

49:20 Drew They have casinos out here. They don't have fireworks.

49:22 Caller They're starting to do casinos here.

49:26 Adam Alright, well, let me tell you, it's going to be a very bad day when they do because then they get all high and mighty and they don't want to sell fireworks anyway, which is what God put them here to do.

49:35 Drew What's your brother do with the M80s?

49:38 Caller I think he blew shit up.

49:44 Drew Okay, well, that clarifies things. So she dropped a little bomb of her own there. It's nice.

49:49 Adam Yeah, we had to put her on hold indefinitely. It was a...

49:55 Drew And she clarified, she made it so clear to me and vivid what he'd been doing.

49:58 Adam We really have the world's stupidest callers. Is there a show that has dumber callers in this show? Here's a... And again, I cannot say the entire S word, obviously, but I will say exactly... A Loveline reenactment. I'll say exactly what Amber's... Again, I will substitute the S word or S for the S word, you know, the S-H word.

50:23 Drew So Amber, what would your brother do with those M-80s? The M-80s that your brother bought, what would he do with them?

50:29 Adam Blue ass up. Nice.

50:34 Drew I don't know, blue up ass, blue ass up.

50:36 Adam Yeah, blue ass up. Sweet. How many years of finishing school do you figure Amber has under her belt?

50:43 Drew Portland System's pretty good.

50:47 Adam Think she's a legacy, think her mom was in there first? All that time, knowing how to hold your teacup, putting your pinky out, walking with the book on your head. It's all paid great dividends for Amber. All right, Amber, you got to hang on for a minute.

51:01 Drew I'll take a Florida or Germany call.

51:04 Adam Really?

51:04 Drew Yeah, just until we get back to Amber.

51:06 Adam All right, just to kind of get our bearings straight. Chris?

51:09 Yep.

51:10 Adam 23?

51:11 Yeah, what's up, guys?

51:12 You guys are geniuses, both of you.

51:14 Adam Thank you, Chris, and you're a genius for recognizing our genius.

51:17 I like to give you that.

51:18 Drew You managed to escape the fires?

51:21 What that?

51:21 Drew Did you escape the fires?

51:23 I did. You know, it came a little too close for comfort. I had ash all over my apartment complex.

51:28 Adam Calling from San Diego, by the way.

51:30 Yeah.

51:31 Adam Alright, guys.

51:33 Yet a hearse overturned on a highway, shattered the coffin and ejected the corpse onto the highway, along with a bag of coffin nails. It happened because the driver fell asleep at the wheel and yanked the wheel when he woke up and ended up closing down the highway for over an hour.

51:52 Drew I was thinking about this.

51:55 Adam Germany or Florida.

51:56 Drew They've closed the highway for an hour in Germany for something like this.

51:59 Adam Seems like they'd be on it faster. I think coffin nails.

52:02 Drew I think they'd be a little more high tech in Germany.

52:06 Adam I do, but I don't know that they would use coffin nails out here anymore either.

52:10 Drew It's the south.

52:14 Adam I'm thinking Florida here.

52:17 Drew In Germany, there's like one highway, it's the Autobahn.

52:20 Adam Yeah. I'm thinking Florida. I'm going Florida, Chris.

52:23 All right. It's actually Germany.

52:29 Adam Thanks, Chris.

52:30 Drew There you go.

52:31 Adam Wrong two times in a row now, Drew. Yeah.

52:34 Drew Well, no, me. You still have been wrong once. This was it.

52:38 Adam Oh, really?

52:38 Drew Oh, I was wrong.

52:39 Adam Oh, no, wait a minute.

52:40 Drew Here's the thing.

52:46 Adam You effed me up with the coffin nails. We wouldn't use coffin nails anymore.

52:51 Drew Is that right?

52:52 Adam Yeah. Now, over there, they're higher tech over there, but they're more reverent. They're the tradition.

53:00 Drew Oh, really?

53:00 Adam See what I'm saying?

53:01 Drew Coffin nails are a traditional thing?

53:03 Adam I don't know. I just think they would do things how they did things. I don't think we use coffin nails. Who is the guy with a whole sack of coffin nails?

53:11 Drew It's weird. So it's weird that it was even mentioned.

53:15 Adam What are we doing? Are we getting back to Amber? Amber?

53:19 Caller Are you not allowed to say that on the radio? I didn't know that. I apologize.

53:23 Drew Seriously?

53:25 Adam Amber, let me ask you something. You're 22 years of age. Have you heard the S word on the radio before?

53:34 Caller I guess I don't listen to a whole lot of talk radio except for you guys. I'm sorry, I'll just apologize.

53:40 Adam Okay, how about TV? Ever hear that?

53:43 Caller I guess I watch a lot of cable, but yeah, it seems like I have.

53:48 Adam But you're not sure what channel you're on, right?

53:50 Caller What channel I'm on?

53:52 Adam What I mean is...

53:53 Drew Cable is different from the broadcast.

53:56 Adam Well, as long as you're apologizing, that's fine.

53:58 Caller Anyway, can I ask a question?

54:00 Adam Sure.

54:01 Caller I have been in a relationship for like six and a half years.

54:04 Caller To the, like, nicest guy ever. And for five years, it was, you know, pretty much like, I guess you can describe it as the honeymoon stage. But recently, in the last, I guess not that recently, but in the last year, I've been experiencing a longing to day C. And, I mean, to be really blunt, to even have... to sleep with or have intercourse with other people.

54:28 Adam Thought the F-word was coming out.

54:30 Drew It was coming close. Why don't you end this relationship, then? That's just fine. That's right where you're supposed to be at 22. And that's what's supposed to happen to relationships that you start when you're 17 or 14, 15, whatever you were. 16.

54:42 Caller When I think about it, and I have thought about it a lot, it seems like I rationalize it that if I got into another relationship, I would probably just... I figure I'd experience the same angst.

54:57 Drew You might, but maybe you're just not right for relationships right now. You've got to stay alone for a while. The honeymoon phase that you're talking about really was just an idealization. When you're teenagers, you idealize the other person, and they're the perfect, you'll be with them forever kind of thing. That's nonsense, and you come to your senses about that. And you may not be ready for a relationship right now, and that's fine. And maybe you will come upon someone that you really do like, and is a sustaining, nourishing relationship. They will go years beyond this, but maybe a long time before you run into that person.

55:27 Caller Do you think it's a sign that it's not the right relationship?

55:31 Drew Not the right relationship, not the right time, and you're done.

55:34 Adam It's really not even about the person. I know you think it's all about the person, and you think you waste the time. It could be, but you've been together since you were 16. You're 22 now.

55:45 Drew We're different people now.

55:46 Adam You know no other. It's unhealthy.

55:49 Drew And right now, this is a relationship you wouldn't let last four months at this stage of your life, and yet you don't know how to end it because you've been doing it since you've known nothing else since you were 16.

55:58 Adam What would you want for your kids, Drew?

56:01 Drew We went through this, right?

56:02 Adam Not on the air.

56:04 Drew No, no.

56:05 Adam Relationship-wise, let's just say let's start them at 15.

56:11 Drew Dating.

56:12 Adam Yeah.

56:12 Drew Little dating.

56:13 Adam Little dating at 15. Little. Not the girl. No. She stays in a bunker.

56:18 Drew The dungeon, yeah.

56:19 Adam Yeah, okay. So little dating at 15.

56:22 Drew And this thing I'm showing you, this diagram, this is where I'm building the bunker right down here.

56:26 Adam Oh, yeah, Drew is showing me a plan of his house. He can build a bunker and keep the kids down there.

56:29 Drew In the hillside, right into the hill, the mountainside.

56:32 Adam Yeah, you're protecting them from society.

56:34 Drew Themselves.

56:36 Adam Well, they are part of society. Okay, so 15, some dating. Little bit dating.

56:42 Drew Little bit, just getting warmed up.

56:43 Adam Just getting warmed up. How does that work?

56:46 Drew Learning how to date.

56:47 Adam You go on a date with one girl or one guy one week, and then what happens next week? Do you get to see the same person again?

56:52 Drew I can see the same person a little bit, but not-

56:54 Adam Then what? How does it start? But that's the problem when you're into somebody at 15, you're like into them. You want to see them all the time? They become like your team or the food you like or-

57:04 Drew You know, one thing you can do as a parent-

57:05 Adam Video game?

57:06 Drew You can keep kids busy. You can sort of know what's going on and create forces that move them in other directions. The great thing is about kids, you hang a whole up shiny object and they lose interest. Especially the boys.

57:18 Adam My folks did that.

57:19 Drew Yeah, and then they'll find other things. Yeah. And then 16, same thing. But then if a girl, if a relationship develops, 16, 17, I'm cool with that as long as they don't go more than like 6, 8 months kind of thing.

57:30 Adam 6, 8 months. And then what?

57:34 Drew Then it's-

57:34 Adam That ends? 16, 17, not longer in a year.

57:38 Drew No.

57:38 Adam Keep it well under a year. Yeah. You know they're going to get that guy.

57:42 Drew Yeah, it's hard to do that.

57:43 Adam They're going to fall in love. One of those kids-

57:45 Drew The worst thing of all would be, okay, dad, I'm going to college where-

57:49 Adam Yeah, I made my decision. I'm going to Humboldt with Naquifa. Dad, I know there's cultural differences. She got a seven on her SATs, but they've accepted her because she's from Zimbabwe.

58:09 Drew New scale.

58:10 Adam New scale, and I'm going with her.

58:12 Drew Cultural issues. The SAT is very biased against people of other cultures.

58:16 Adam Yeah. Also, I'm going to start wearing a ceremonial robe. And fighting for the Taliban. Yeah. So, a little dating, but nothing long.

58:27 Drew Long enough to really try on relationships precise, but not to get so obsessed that you think it's going to go on forever. Not to cling.

58:37 Adam Jack?

58:38 Yeah.

58:39 Adam You're 19?

58:40 Caller I'm 19, yes.

58:41 Adam What's up?

58:42 Caller Hey. Well, I had an orgasm in a dream last night, and there was some pain involved. I kind of just needed a doctor's opinion on that.

58:56 Drew When did the pain occur?

58:58 Caller While I was having an orgasm in the dream.

59:01 Drew Did you wake up in pain?

59:02 Caller I did not wake up in pain. I didn't really understand what had happened until I woke up in the morning.

59:10 Drew Put it all together kind of thing?

59:15 Caller Yeah, but during the dream there was a pain.

59:17 Adam Wait a minute. You slept in a puddle of your own ball sick for that long?

59:25 Caller I guess in my dream I wiped myself up. I know you've been masturbating so much you've never had a wet dream.

59:39 Drew They don't wake up during a wet dream. See, you don't sleep. The normal people sleep right through and in the morning go, Oh my God.

59:46 Adam They just wake up and you're walking to the bathroom and the comforter is being dragged by your crotch along with the bed and the box springs. A big train. It looks like someone took a bed bath and beyond and wove everything together and just tied it to your dork and you just dragged it across the apartment. Really? I wake up.

1:00:05 Drew Yeah, you wake up with everything. If a fly farts across the room, I wake you up.

1:00:09 Adam If I pick myself, I wake up. If I jizz myself, I wake up.

1:00:13 Caller I wake up. I used to be very simple. I used to masturbate quite a lot every day and then I stopped for the past five, six months.

1:00:28 Drew Why? Why'd you stop?

1:00:30 Caller Just I got saved, Jesus Christ and God.

1:00:33 Drew Well, look what God's doing for you.

1:00:35 Caller Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, that's the truth. But I'm just wondering what that pain would be, what that pain was. I really don't know. I don't know if it's a health issue or if it's something.

1:00:46 Drew Where was the pain?

1:00:47 Caller It was like in under, I would say, I don't know exactly where my prostate is, but maybe in that general area. I mean, I-

1:00:55 Drew In your rectum? It was in your rectum?

1:00:57 Caller No, no, no.

1:00:58 Drew That's where your prostate is.

1:00:59 Adam All right, but let me say this, Drew. If you have a wet dream, oh, God. If your young Jack got saved, strangely- I'm beating off-

1:01:10 Drew It's an ironic name, too, for-

1:01:12 Adam For guys quit doing what his namesake is. If you have a wet dream and you're Jack and you're a heavy sleeper, evidently, does it sort of stand to reason that he may be rubbing or pushing-

1:01:26 Drew Or no, more likely, he could be in a funny bend position.

1:01:30 Adam Yeah, that's right. He's got his erect penis that's curled down facing a mecca, and he's rubbing weird and not really noticing it, and then the pain. Sort of like when the heat's turned up too high and you start having these dreams, like, oh, man, I'm cooking, I've got to quit this job at the pizza hut. This is too hot back here making these pies. But it's really just taking what's in the environment.

1:01:54 Drew That's right. And it is, but there are other things. Did the pain come after you ejaculated or during the ejaculation?

1:02:01 Caller It was a sharp pain during the ejaculation.

1:02:04 Drew That's all right.

1:02:04 Caller It was during, you know, there was really like a, it was funny because I really didn't know what was happening, you know, and then I started feeling it just coming on.

1:02:14 Drew That's fine, Jack. But why, I'm just curious.

1:02:16 Caller My name, my name's actually Ryan, too. I mean, I used a fake name, obviously.

1:02:20 Drew I'm just curious why from a religious standpoint, it's okay to have a wet dream, but not okay to...

1:02:27 Adam Well, you didn't bring the wet dream on yourself.

1:02:30 Caller No, no, I mean, it really wasn't anything in my nature. Actually, in my dream, I've thought that in my dream, there was actually a point where I kind of knew what was happening, and I said, I thought to myself, no, but then I said yes, and that was a sin, that was a mistake I...

1:02:45 Adam That's a sin.

1:02:46 Caller Exactly, that was a mistake I made in my dream, but I do that a lot in dreams, but in real life it seems to not happen. So the dreams are a thing I need to work on a lot, you know.

1:02:56 Adam Well, I think it's too late. I think you're going to hell.

1:02:59 Caller I really don't think so, man.

1:03:00 Adam I do.

1:03:01 Caller I think Jesus Christ...

1:03:02 Adam I've studied the Bible quite extensively.

1:03:04 Caller Well, I mean, I really think that Jesus Christ would save you and accept him, you know.

1:03:09 Adam All right, well, why not just accept him at the end after you've had your kicks and your prostate's all blown out? You know what I'm saying?

1:03:17 Caller Too late. I would want you to accept Jesus Christ. Why does that be an awesome thing?

1:03:20 Adam I do. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it, you know, in my deathbed.

1:03:23 Caller It doesn't work that way, bro.

1:03:26 Adam I thought it did. What about all the guys who find him in their 50s and 60s, you know?

1:03:32 Caller No, man. I mean, it's really about just accepting those who...

1:03:38 Adam Well, what's the max age? Is there a maximum age?

1:03:43 Caller There is no max age. It's like the Holy Spirit prompts you. He prompts you to...

1:03:47 Adam Oh, all right. Well, he hasn't prompted me yet, so that's the problem.

1:03:50 Caller Oh, of course he has, man. Please don't blaspheme the Holy Spirit. That's unforgivable.

1:03:55 Adam No, I'm not going to blaspheme.

1:04:01 Drew Blaspheme?

1:04:02 Adam Yeah. No?

1:04:04 Drew Well, imagine that would be blaspheme, yeah.

1:04:07 Adam Okay, but that's not specifically... I just want to know, Ryan, what he's up to here. Okay, because I thought he was taking a swipe at me. Okay, all right.

1:04:16 Drew Not specifically.

1:04:17 Adam All right, Ryan, we're cool, buddy.

1:04:19 Caller All right, bro.

1:04:20 Adam All right, I'll see you in heaven, Ryan.

1:04:22 Caller You will see me in heaven?

1:04:23 Adam Yeah, yeah.

1:04:25 Caller I mean, it's not... It's Jesus Christ that gets you into heaven, bro.

1:04:29 Adam And, look, he doesn't... He's in charge of everybody?

1:04:32 Caller He saves everybody. He saves everybody. Nobody can get into heaven on their own, man. It's only Jesus Christ. Jack in jail? His sacrifice.

1:04:41 Adam Jack, Ryan, did you do any time?

1:04:45 Caller No, sir. I'm 19. That's not... I mean, that's not actually... I mean, that doesn't matter. Age, but... No, I've been through a lot, though, man.

1:04:54 Adam Oh, yeah.

1:04:54 Caller And if you could hear my testimony, I think you'd be amazed.

1:04:57 Adam Shandala, shandala. You ever speak in tongues?

1:05:01 Drew You know what?

1:05:01 Caller I learned tongues when I was very young, and my mom didn't like it, and I really don't know the significance of it, so no, I don't speak in tongues.

1:05:09 Adam Tell me if this says a good tongue, though. Shandala, shandala! Yeah?

1:05:15 Drew Who is that?

1:05:16 Caller That's not my room to judge me, and that's cool.

1:05:18 Adam Oh, okay, buddy.

1:05:20 Drew I like Ryan's way of thinking, though. I like the way he thinks.

1:05:23 Adam I used to install closets out of a brick cinder block bunker in Burbank with about five guys that were all born-again Christians, ex-gang bangers, and one of them, Frank, used to bust out into tongues every once in a while. It was a great time. I've got to get back to that life, Drew. I really do miss that. Oh, it was great sleeping on a furniture pad in the back of a panel van while me and the born-again's headed out to install closets for ten hours. They bring the Bible, ask for traveling mercy, and then a little chandala-chandala call. Fantastic. Yeah, I ate cactus. It was great. It was great. Guy made cactus, picked it from up in the hills, didn't know what it was. It was good times. It was great times.

1:06:18 Drew All right.

1:06:19 Adam Where are we, Drew?

1:06:19 Drew Taking a break.

1:06:20 Adam Oh, really? Yeah. All right.

1:06:23 Drew Getting depressed tonight.

1:06:24 Adam Yeah.

1:06:24 Drew Too much of your misery has been rained upon us.

1:06:27 Adam Oh, no. Those were great times, Drew. Great times. The born-again's? I work with the born-again. I also work with a Jehovah's Witness. Me and Andy, the Jehovah's Witness, and it was just me and him painting commercial office lawyers' offices all day, 12 hours a day, and he'd just tell me about, I've had some bad luck with religion. I can't listen to the radio.

1:06:51 Drew You've been driven to atheism.

1:06:52 Adam Now, I was going in, but then it becomes horribly painful if you're working with a guy who's born-again or he's a Jehovah's Witness and that's all he is, and then there's you. And you're like, hey, how about we listen to a little classic rock and he's like, oh, oh, no, oh, no, no, that's, no, we got to listen to Christian rock or we can listen to Christian country, but, you know, I mean, there's Christian stations. That's it. You guys be in the room for 12 hours. Great. Good times. I name my kids after the apostles. You want to hear them? We're having a big rally at Dodger Stadium this week. You want to come on out? How about I just kill myself? I do. I have to take one of those paint rollers, sharpen it, and put it into my sternum.

1:07:37 Drew But this wasn't the Ned Flanders version.

1:07:40 Adam No, this is, this is, I'm, hey, this is, here's what you got. You got, I had a horrible life. Like the guys I installed closets with were just gang bangers. You know, these guys, you know, killed people in prison kind of thing. My life's gone so badly for me that I've now turned to this with a vengeance. And now it's me and you. And now what you got is, you got the guy whose life was horrible. And now the guy who's born again. So now you got both those things. You got the gang banger and the evangelical. It's great. It's a great choice. Fantastic. Great people. Good people. Can't judge. Cannot judge. No. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. That's right. Dr. Drew in the hissy. Yeah.

1:08:43 Drew That's what I'm talking about.

1:08:45 Adam If you. What was your line on that crank anchors thing? If you had a hissy, you'd have a house.

1:08:53 Drew You'd be in the house. If you had a hissy, you'd be out of the house.

1:09:02 Adam Who says he doesn't know what the kids want to hear? All right. Let's talk to Mike. By the way, All American Rejects in here tomorrow night. I'm looking forward to seeing those guys again. And back to the phones we go. Let's talk to Mike. Who's 20, Mike?

1:09:20 Caller Hi there. Hey.

1:09:22 Adam Hey.

1:09:23 Caller Five-year listener. I love the show. I love what you do for people.

1:09:26 Adam Thanks.

1:09:27 Caller It's really a great thing. I've got a question for Drew about his book. After the patient that you called Amber in the book died, how did you explain to her husband what had happened? And was he the one that brought in the drugs? I'm assuming he was.

1:09:48 Drew These were composited, made up characters, Mike. These were just sort of... Yeah, I can't really tell stories about patients I've taken care of. I can't do that.

1:09:58 Adam Come on, buddy.

1:09:59 Drew And so in order for me to tell stories about patients and the experience of taking care of patients, I have to sort of... They have to be kind of patient-inspired and composited and I have to be very, very sure that no one can identify themselves in the cases that I present there. Now there are a few... Here and there I sprinkled in some real things, people who had died and things like that. But other than that, it's all... Everybody that's alive today should not be able to look at that book and go, hey, that was me. Because they're a composited of multiple cases. And then what I did was just sort of explored my own reaction to what it feels like, what it has felt like, frankly, at certain stages of my career, to take care of these people. And again, I drive myself crazy with this goddamn...

1:10:37 Book out?

1:10:38 Drew Cracked, it's called Cracked. It's been out since September.

1:10:41 I gotta read that.

1:10:41 Drew I appreciate it.

1:10:42 September.

1:10:43 Drew Yeah, I'm ready. That's good. Good times.

1:10:45 Adam No, but I did see it. I've seen it. I'm gonna get to that.

1:10:49 Drew That's good.

1:10:49 Adam I don't like reading. I believe it poisons the mind.

1:10:51 Drew I know that. I wouldn't expect you to... I blame your wife for not reading it to you.

1:10:56 Adam She should have read it to me by now.

1:10:57 Drew Yeah, she should have. But I drive myself crazy with those amazon.com reviews because I'm finding that people, a lot of people miss... I mean, they completely miss the point of the book. They want... Some of you is like, where are the answers? You didn't give us the answers to this disease. That's the point. There are no answers other than establishing healthy boundaries with people and being present with them as they struggle with this very, very painful disease. And that's the solution.

1:11:23 Adam People, if someone is not as smart as you, they always miss your point. They gotta be as smart as...

1:11:30 Drew On the one hand, I feel as though, I guess I fail. I guess I didn't make the point clear enough.

1:11:33 Adam Well, you did.

1:11:33 Drew On the other hand, myself, how much clearer can I drive it home over and over and over again in the book?

1:11:38 Adam Yeah. Well, listen. You don't have to walk around every day having people screaming, where are the chuggies? They just scream, where's the point? What happened to the point?

1:11:47 Drew No, where's the answers? You don't give the solutions.

1:11:50 Adam Yeah.

1:11:51 Drew What do we do with addicts? How do we make them better? And that's the point, you can't.

1:11:54 Adam Still better than where's the chuggies. Really? Shawn?

1:11:57 Drew Really?

1:11:57 Adam It's all right. Shawn?

1:12:01 Took me into bed every night.

1:12:03 Adam Oh, thanks, baby doll. I'm going to Shawn, cause Shawn's been on hold for 99 minutes.

1:12:08 Yeah, I didn't realize you guys started at midnight west coast time, so I usually start calling about 10 o'clock my time when the show actually comes on.

1:12:15 Drew Ah, no, no, we're a couple hours. It's in Kansas City.

1:12:18 Caller Yeah, yeah, the screener explained that to me.

1:12:20 Anyway, yeah.

1:12:23 Drew He meant 12 o'clock his time, 10 o'clock our time.

1:12:26 Adam Sorry.

1:12:26 Drew He meant it was a firecracker.

1:12:27 Caller Yes.

1:12:28 I said explosive device cause you didn't hear me the first time, I guess.

1:12:30 Caller I don't know.

1:12:31 Caller I don't know what you're talking about, man.

1:12:32 But like I said, that's not fair. I'm from California. I'm a ringer. Yeah.

1:12:35 Adam Sorry, buddy. All right, what's going on?

1:12:37 Well, my ex-girlfriend is over at my wife's house right now and they want me to confront them.

1:12:45 Drew Oh, Sean.

1:12:46 Yeah.

1:12:49 Caller I gotta talk to Drew and Adam on this.

1:12:50 I've been trying to call and get in on this, you know, before.

1:12:54 Adam We're gonna talk. Here's what I can say, Sean. We cannot make this problem go away.

1:13:01 Caller No, no.

1:13:02 Adam We will give you the best approach. And that's all we can do.

1:13:07 Drew And support.

1:13:09 Adam And support. But it's like you've been diagnosed with cancer. We can't make that go away. We will tell you the best treatment and give you the best odds.

1:13:17 Drew Right on.

1:13:18 Adam Okay, so.

1:13:19 Drew You sound like a very brave man.

1:13:20 Adam Let's figure.

1:13:21 Caller I have no other choice.

1:13:22 Drew You're not freaking out the way you should be.

1:13:25 Adam Well, let's just ask a couple of questions.

1:13:26 Caller I'm past freakout stage. I think I'm in shock right now.

1:13:29 Drew What happened? What happened?

1:13:30 Caller Okay, my wife and I at this point, well, before this point, we had been married a couple of years. And I cheated on her multiple anonymous times. And I was supposed to stop it. And I said, okay, I'll stop it.

1:13:44 Drew Why did you get married?

1:13:45 Caller Why did I get married?

1:13:46 Caller Because I was young and stupid.

1:13:47 Caller And because she was knocked up.

1:13:49 Drew You don't want to be in this marriage, though, huh?

1:13:51 Caller No, no, I love her, really.

1:13:53 Drew I can tell by the way you're behaving.

1:13:56 Caller Well, I went to therapy after, you know, through all this, and we figured out that, you know, the whole reason I jail my wife is because, you know, I'm young and stupid, the whole thing, the oats.

1:14:05 Drew Maybe there is not a reason. Maybe you're a sex addict.

1:14:06 Caller Maybe I'm a sex addict. Well, I thought about that, too, but...

1:14:09 Adam You do have that cadence.

1:14:12 Caller What cadence is that?

1:14:14 Adam Well, it's a cadence of a guy who's smart but can't control himself.

1:14:19 Caller I like that description of myself.

1:14:21 Adam Yeah.

1:14:23 Drew And a trauma history.

1:14:24 Adam Sean's kind of turning me on a little bit. Wait a minute. Smoke a little weed, Sean?

1:14:30 Caller No, never.

1:14:31 Adam What do you do? Something with computers?

1:14:33 Caller How did you know? No, that's... Yeah, it started off as Internet addiction.

1:14:37 Caller Oh, oh, oh.

1:14:39 Drew Sean, Sean, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

1:14:42 Adam Are you moving around? We just heard they smoke detector battery.

1:14:46 Caller I'm way ahead of you guys. It's gone off 143 times since I've been on hold.

1:14:53 Adam Really?

1:14:53 Drew Okay.

1:14:54 Caller Every 43 and a half seconds.

1:14:55 Drew Yeah. 43.

1:14:56 Adam Well, let us... Get by it, please, and let us...

1:14:59 Caller Let me get on the cordless.

1:15:00 Adam Yeah, get on the cord... Get on the cordless and get by the smoke detector.

1:15:04 This is my parents' house.

1:15:06 Adam Let me just... Let me just see if we can pace it.

1:15:08 Caller It's the one in the basement for those basement fires.

1:15:11 Adam Well, get near there. It should be hitting any second. Where is it?

1:15:19 Drew There it is. I think I just heard it, huh? Shauny there?

1:15:24 Adam Yeah.

1:15:26 Drew Did it just go off?

1:15:27 Caller Yeah, yeah, yeah, that was it.

1:15:29 Drew It's very faint.

1:15:29 Caller Didn't hear it.

1:15:30 Adam All right.

1:15:30 Caller Actually, I think this might be a carbon monoxide detector.

1:15:33 Adam You got to get a new battery for it.

1:15:35 Caller It's a carbon monoxide alarm. Okay.

1:15:37 Adam Here's what I want you to do. I want you to get a new battery for it, but not with enough juice to not make it make the noise, just enough juice so we can audibly hear the low battery thing. They should sell those. For people with super low self-esteem, here's batteries that are sort of three-quarters spent. Same price. Just for people to feel bad about themselves.

1:15:58 Caller You might make it through the fire. You might not.

1:16:00 Adam Yeah. All right. So you're…

1:16:03 Caller There it goes. I'm right by it now. I found the alarm. Yeah.

1:16:06 Drew That is not the normal battery smoke alarm tone.

1:16:10 Adam Yeah.

1:16:10 Drew That's a unique tone.

1:16:11 Adam Carbon monoxide.

1:16:12 Caller It's a carbon monoxide alarm. My dad said he changes it every spring when they turn the clocks forward. He just missed this past one.

1:16:20 Adam So you... You've been married for how long?

1:16:24 Drew Two years.

1:16:24 Caller It'll be four years this Friday. Halloween.

1:16:26 Drew Two years. Two years. I started cheating, I guess.

1:16:29 Adam And the girlfriend...

1:16:30 Caller I started cheating about three to six months after the wedding.

1:16:36 Drew Are you a trauma survivor?

1:16:38 Caller No.

1:16:39 Drew No sexual abuse or anything like that? No.

1:16:41 Adam And the girlfriend... I just screwed up parents, that's all. You say girlfriend, do you mean someone, the girl you've been cheating with, obviously? But did she... but you call her girlfriend.

1:16:52 Caller Because my wife found out that I was cheating on her with this other girl after I was supposed to be a good boy and go to therapy and all this crap. This was like, not last April, but the April before.

1:17:03 Drew Very motivated.

1:17:04 Adam Did... well, Drew, quiet down now. Reserve your judgment.

1:17:07 Caller And so she kicked me out of the house, but this time I actually left, and I moved in with the girlfriend, and then knocked her up, and then split up with her to get back with my wife, just to ask.

1:17:16 Drew You want me to cut his nuts off? All right.

1:17:19 Adam And so the girlfriend is the one you knocked up?

1:17:23 Drew Yeah. No, they're both pregnant.

1:17:26 Adam No, no, he has a kid with his wife.

1:17:28 Caller Yeah, I've already got kids with my wife and my girlfriend.

1:17:32 Drew Kids with his wife.

1:17:33 Caller Kids, plural. She came with a kid, and then we created two.

1:17:41 Adam Oh, two.

1:17:41 Drew That's four kids. These three noodniks have created.

1:17:46 Adam What year are you in? Look, a couple of things I hear from Sean. I hear a sort of sociopath thing with Sean.

1:17:54 Drew Yeah, I hear trauma all the way. I really do. That's more trauma he's willing to understand.

1:17:57 Adam Well, aren't, well, I don't know, it's just being raised by crazy parents, isn't it, and that trauma. But sort of not having a conscience or a soul.

1:18:06 Drew Right, this doesn't bother him.

1:18:07 Adam Other people don't exist. Even your own kids don't really exist. I mean, you wish them well, and you hope the best, and you do all that thing, oh, I'm an arm, I love them, I'm a great dad, but not really.

1:18:16 Drew I love my wife, love my wife, but then look at the actions.

1:18:19 Adam Well, let's forget about the wife. Let's think about the kids for a second. Love my kids, love my kids, but not so much that I'm not willing to destroy the relationship.

1:18:28 Drew And interrupt their childhood.

1:18:30 Adam Right. So Sean definitely got some sociopath in him.

1:18:34 Caller Yeah, I think you guys hit that pretty much on the head. That's pretty much my wife's diagnosis of everything.

1:18:40 Drew All right.

1:18:40 Adam So it seems, and here's the thing, you're 24 years old.

1:18:43 Caller Yes.

1:18:44 Adam So it seems like this ain't going to be changing for just a while. I mean, you really, this stuff slows down when you're 34, not 24.

1:18:55 Drew You know, this is very hard stuff to treat. It is long-term therapy, and sometimes 12-step can have an impact on this, but it doesn't sound like it's something you're really ready to capitulate to, to give yourself up to. So it's back to therapy, and they make a decision about which relationship you want to sustain.

1:19:11 Adam I'm wondering if he shouldn't get out of both of them and just focus. Here would be my strategy, Sean.

1:19:20 Drew Be careful, though, because he is the way he is. He's going to take your empiric position, just go, okay, apply it. Here we go. All right.

1:19:27 Adam Okay, I would say, I would say, out of both relationships, because I don't think you're in the position to make, obviously, both of them or even your wife's relationship work. I say you bow out of both. You work on yourself in therapy, and you focus on two things, which is, no, three things, not having any more goddamn kids, number one. Number two, all the energy you have for relationships, put toward your children, being the best father you can be, and into therapy also on your children's behalf. And see if you can stop acting out. But if you have to act out, then who cares? You're out of a relationship.

1:20:08 Drew I think you may well be a sex addict. You might look at the 12-step essay.

1:20:13 Adam Yeah. Yeah, I do. I would look into that, too. But either way, the yo-yoing that you're going to be doing with your wife for the next four to nine years, why not just be man enough to say, I'm too effed up to be in a relationship with both wife and girlfriend?

1:20:31 Drew What kind of wolf are these women going to pull into the house to substitute for Sean here?

1:20:36 Adam Well, that's why he has to be a strong presence in his kids' lives. All right, now every call is Florida or Germany.

1:20:44 Drew Let's take one more Loveline call and then go on to our game next break.

1:20:48 Adam Jesse? You're 19?

1:20:52 Caller 21.

1:20:54 Drew All right, good.

1:20:54 Adam All right, what's up?

1:20:56 Caller Okay, well, I've been having sex for a really long time. And every time I have, see, every time I get into any sort of relationship, either they're way too aggressive, and I'm a very aggressive female, but, you know, there's a point, you know, when they start beating me and I'm like, I'm leaving.

1:21:28 Drew This is, uh, sociopath central here.

1:21:33 Adam Jesse seems like albino trash, super clear trash.

1:21:41 Drew She has to, she's with guys that are violent and physically abusive, or guys that she can abuse, which is really the typical pattern, right?

1:21:55 Adam I'm not sure if you heard, but the F word is frowned on by the FCC. Ironically, the organization starts with an F. Seems like they're sending a mixed message to the kids. It has a C right there in it. FCC has an F and a C right into it. Two letters away from the word they hate the most. It doesn't make sense, does it?

1:22:17 Drew If you were to try to pronounce FCC.

1:22:21 Adam It's true, yes. If you try to say FCC like it's a word, you do wind up with the word they don't want to hear. It's great. All right, don't get me into it. Here's the thing. Were you abused growing up?

1:22:36 Caller Yeah, quite a bit. But the problem I'm having is now they're way sensitive and they are scared of me. And then I finally took the stand and I'm like, oh, okay, I'm anti-guy now. But on the other hand, I still like guys.

1:22:55 Drew It's the flip side of the same coin. You were either being abused by or you are abusing.

1:23:01 Adam Here's the deal, Jessie. A, no kids.

1:23:06 Caller Oh, I'm never having kids.

1:23:08 Adam Oh, good.

1:23:10 Caller I don't want to spread my family's genes, no thanks.

1:23:12 Drew God bless you, Jessie. Thank you, thank you.

1:23:15 Adam Good. That's right. Listen, go ahead and understand, everybody, that you have, look, I have horrible genes. You don't see me running around with kids. I've got bad, bad family genes.

1:23:25 Drew I just want to see you go through the parenting experience, but you're right, we shouldn't force you.

1:23:28 Adam I do, but on the kids' 13th birthday, I put them in the ground. I can't risk passing the gene along.

1:23:35 You understand?

1:23:38 Adam Think about the Corolla gene. A bunch of sort of malformed, strange little people who don't like the work, don't know anything. It's a bad gene. I should kill myself. All right, Drew, lethal injection. I don't want the Corolla to go on. Jesse, good. Don't have any kids. You got to get some help, a group, some therapy for the abuse that you've been through.

1:24:01 Caller The thing is, I've been through therapy several, several times, and every time they're either, let's prescribe you some medication or, hey, let's all sit around and talk about problems that don't have anything to deal with.

1:24:15 Adam I know.

1:24:16 Drew Both are good things for you.

1:24:17 Adam Both good. Both things, Drew, had just written down on a piece of paper and slid over to my side of the table. Hey, Jesse, you've got to give, you sort of have to relinquish power with this thing and just give up to it, would you? And look, everybody with their, everyone is effed up with their therapy talks. I was, I don't need it, I sit around talking about it, and I can be... Jesse, I'm sorry somebody did to you what they did to you for all those years, and now it's up to you to do something about it. And if you treat everything like it's not important or it's not your fault or you don't need it, then you just, just go ahead. Just sticking that holding pattern. See what you're like when you're 35. Alright, take care of yourself. We'll be back. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline, I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800- All right, we don't need people calling. Ba-la-la-la-la.

1:25:34 Drew Let's play some Germany or Florida. We need a jingle for that.

1:25:42 Adam Yeah, we got to record something, Drew.

1:25:45 Drew All right, go, push.

1:25:49 Adam Where you want to go up here?

1:25:50 Drew Start at the top.

1:25:52 Adam This is a chick though.

1:25:53 Drew I start at the bottom.

1:25:55 Adam Jenny? Yeah, you're 29. Give us your Germany or Florida, please.

1:26:05 Caller Okay, here we go. A guide dog, Lucky, who has gone zero for four with his owners is available for his fifth assignment.

1:26:15 Adam A guide dog, okay?

1:26:16 Drew I said guide dog.

1:26:17 Adam It did sound like...

1:26:18 Drew Yes, go ahead.

1:26:19 Adam See, she did say guide dog, or at least that's what we heard.

1:26:24 Caller What did I do?

1:26:25 Drew What did the dog do?

1:26:25 Caller I'm going to tell you. Okay, he led his first owner in front of a bus killing him. He led the next owner off a pier, drowning him. He, quote, nudged his third owner in front of a train killing him. Lucky then led his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him to be hit and then killed. The next and fifth owner will not be told of Lucky's record because the trainers say he might sense nervousness and, quote, do something silly.

1:27:00 Drew That's impressive.

1:27:01 Adam This is a solid Germany.

1:27:04 Drew How does the dog survive, gets the owner out there just enough in front of the train that the dog gets away?

1:27:10 Caller Yeah, that's where the nudged part came in, I think, and the water one, the dog actually went into the water and survived.

1:27:18 Adam Where did you get this story?

1:27:20 Caller Actually, I got it off of the Internet, but I sort of cross-referenced it.

1:27:29 Drew Well, it's a little bit of a giveaway because the dog's name is Lucky and not, you know, Siegfried.

1:27:35 Adam That's true, but we would call dogs Dutch, dutchy. My sister has a dog named Hitler.

1:27:48 Drew Yeah, that's right. You're right.

1:27:49 Adam She's occurring and gobbles and him larish as a mole. Well, Hitler had puppies. She did it with an Avrobra.

1:27:59 Drew And as screwed up as this country is, you think there'd be lawsuits and things, yet our system is so screwed up.

1:28:08 Adam And it felt like Germany, but I think you might have been right with the Lucky thing, although that could be, like, you know, it could be Red Herring. They name them, they name the dogs like Girlie and stuff like that. I have no idea. All right, let's go Florida just because of the Lucky thing. Hold on a second. Wait a minute, I'm going to say Germany. If this actually happened in Florida, we would know about it. I don't think this happened. Nudging, because think about the, think about the...

1:28:34 Drew Big metal bar.

1:28:35 Adam The bar they have. They don't have on a ten-foot leash. They have a bar. We're going Germany.

1:28:42 Drew Germany, Drew? Suit yourself.

1:28:47 Adam You want Florida?

1:28:48 Drew Sure.

1:28:48 Adam I'm taking Germany.

1:28:50 Caller It's Germany, but here's the cool ending. The original owner of the dog was an ex-Floridian.

1:29:00 Drew Oh.

1:29:02 Adam Thank you, Jenny. It all came full circle.

1:29:05 Drew Yes.

1:29:07 Adam Let's talk to Jim real fast. Jim?

1:29:11 Oh, hey.

1:29:13 Adam Germany or Florida? Or Bongload? You smoke a lot of weed, don't you, Jim?

1:29:18 No, I don't.

1:29:19 Drew He's just asleep.

1:29:20 Adam Sorry, buddy. Go ahead.

1:29:23 Caller Actually, I have two and they're both from the same place. I'll say them both and then you guys, you know, say. There's a burglar and he's in the alley and he decides that he's going to climb on the roof of a convenience store and cut a hole in, so he cuts a hole in and he lands on the coffee pot and then he finds out that it's a 24-hour store and there's a cop standing right next to the coffee pot.

1:29:48 Adam That's Florida.

1:29:48 Drew Yeah, it's Florida. Is that the other one?

1:29:50 Caller And the man went to the county jail to visit his friend and he started rolling a cigarette of weed and then right when he left the lobby they arrested him and he had a ton of marijuana on him.

1:30:04 Adam I'm going to go Florida again because she said county jail.

1:30:09 Drew So Florida.

1:30:10 Caller Yeah.

1:30:12 Adam Both Florida?

1:30:12 Caller Yeah.

1:30:13 Drew Thanks, buddy.

1:30:14 Adam You got to be careful even though the... You can't lead us. Yeah. You can say stuff like county or anything like the guy who said Dade County Police said you can't do any of that. All right.

1:30:26 Drew One more.

1:30:26 Adam One more quick one. What do you like? Justin?

1:30:30 Drew That's all we got.

1:30:32 Adam Justin.

1:30:33 Yeah.

1:30:33 Adam You're 19?

1:30:34 Caller Yeah.

1:30:35 Adam One last quick Florida or Germany. Go ahead.

1:30:37 Caller Okay. A 16-year-old girl was on the pay phone, right? And a guy asked the girl when she'd be done. She got tired of him bugging her. So he grabbed a bottle, broke it off at the neck, and slashed his arm three times. And then he calmly responded while he was clutching it, now we have an assault here. Then the girl grabbed the bottle again and stabbed him in the stomach. And when the police arrived, the girl was still talking on the phone. All right.

1:31:05 Adam It sounds... It just sounds like Florida. It smacks of Florida.

1:31:10 Drew Yeah, it smacks of white trash.

1:31:11 Adam It's a white trash move.

1:31:13 Drew It's got that aggression, a little German aggression in there.

1:31:16 Adam And then the bottle and stuff. It sounds Sherman. I'm going Florida. Just... Drew?

1:31:23 Drew Justin, I'll go with you.

1:31:24 Adam Florida. Yeah, it's Florida. Thank you. All right, Drew. What are we betting here?

1:31:30 Drew I screwed up a few good times. I got my average down quite a bit tonight. I screwed up a bunch. You still only missed one or two.

1:31:37 Adam I think overall, I got to be 14 for 16 or something like that.

1:31:42 Drew Yeah, yeah, about that.

1:31:42 Adam Solid. Thank you. And one day, I'm going to get rich off of this, Drew. Oh, yeah. I'll parlay this into something. It'll be a board game. Take a quick break. We'll be right back. That's the show, everybody. Yeah, we're cool.

1:32:03 Drew All right.

1:32:04 Adam Hey, good times, though, right?

1:32:05 Drew Good times.

1:32:05 Adam All right. So, All American Rejects tomorrow night, and until then, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo.

1:32:14 Caller I have a question. I want to know what it means when you and your ex have sex.

1:32:21 Drew It means he was horny.

1:32:25 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Annie Gold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Wednesday, October 29, 2003