Episode 1000577819019

0:55 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually oriented content.

1:02 Adam Hey everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Dr. Drew, board-certified physician, addiction medicine specialist. Will Arnett, Jason Bateman, both here tonight from Arrested Development. Premieres this Sunday on Fox, yes?

1:22 Guest Yes, it is.

1:23 Adam 9.30?

1:24 Guest That's correct, Adam.

1:25 Adam Fox is a little behind on the premieres because of the baseball, right?

1:29 Guest Also correct.

1:30 Adam And tell us about this new show of yours.

1:33 Guest Will?

1:34 Guest Jason?

1:36 Guest Good evening. It is about a very rich, dysfunctional family that has to learn how to live middle class because daddy gets put in the pokey and basically the comedy kind of spews out from there.

1:56 Guest Nobody's ever had a job, a real job in the family.

1:59 Adam Right.

2:00 Drew What kind of work did you guys end up doing?

2:03 Guest Well, um...

2:04 Adam Cooking math. You...

2:06 Guest That's very realistic comedy. That's actually going to be a two-parter.

2:11 Drew And Andix and Sue. Very special. Two-part ups.

2:13 Guest Very special.

2:14 Guest They were originally going to go with the show just kind of being, you know, a nice documentary about the hip-hop band Arrested Development.

2:22 Guest And we couldn't...

2:22 Guest They could not get the rights. Ended up making it about a family and just they kept the name for some reason.

2:27 Drew Interesting producers, executive producers.

2:28 Adam Yeah, Brian Grazer and Ron Howard.

2:31 Guest They're big hip-hop fans. Huge.

2:33 Adam A couple of lightweights. And I didn't know... I'm reading here that Jason Bateman's father-in-law is Paul Anka.

2:40 Guest Yes. Yes. Really? Yeah. God. Canadian, but... He's a good guy.

2:46 Adam Still makes a good living?

2:47 Guest Yeah. I'm sorry, Will. You're...

2:49 Guest Yeah.

2:50 Guest Oh.

2:50 Adam Will's Canadian?

2:51 Guest You can say filthy Canadian this time, which is good.

2:53 Guest Dirty is usually what I go to. But Pops might be listening.

2:56 Guest I set up my resume on purpose.

2:57 Adam Is Paul still making the scene?

3:01 Guest Paul actually makes a very tidy living, traveling the globe, entertaining the people.

3:09 Adam Has he hit Branson, Missouri?

3:11 Guest I don't think he can go back there anymore. You heard about that, huh?

3:13 Adam Oh, yeah.

3:14 Guest No, he can't go back there.

3:15 Adam He got pretty ugly over there. You heard about the Anka Branson incident for us?

3:20 Guest Smirnoff is still smarting.

3:22 Drew It sounds smart. Did it involve the Osmonds?

3:24 Adam Yeah, it was bad. It's an all out race war with the Osmonds. It was white against super white. I'm trying to... Oh, hell. No one is listening, even those of Paul Anka. Did he write... Did he write... Who did like the Tonight Show theme in his...

3:43 Guest Paul Anka.

3:44 Adam And it just made millions off of that?

3:46 Guest Continuous. Today. Really?

3:49 Adam I think so. Don't they have a new theme now?

3:51 Guest Yeah, but not in Southeast Asia. They still go with the old one.

3:56 Adam See, this is what we should all hope to do, which is you come up with a quick jingle, it gets on a show, the show runs for 25 years, you get a big fat paycheck every month.

4:07 Drew That was just something that they sort of used as a story line in sitcoms and TV shows.

4:12 Adam I mean.

4:13 Guest Alan Thicke.

4:14 Guest Alan Thicke.

4:14 Guest He wrote Different Strokes and Facts of Life.

4:17 Adam Yeah.

4:18 Guest Big money.

4:18 Adam Yeah. And I mean, I always heard that Anka just basically got rich off of that.

4:24 Guest That and Put Your Head on My Shoulder and My Way and.

4:30 Adam Son of a bitch.

4:31 Guest I could go on.

4:31 Adam Yeah. Smart. And he married his daughter.

4:36 Guest Yeah. I mean, I figured it was a good move.

4:38 Drew More piano lessons for my kids.

4:40 Adam Yeah.

4:41 Guest Or just have him seek out a child of somebody who knows how to play the piano.

4:46 Drew Yes. That's a good note, too.

4:47 Adam Yeah. Plastic surgery and brown nosing. It's a lot of. I mean, no offense. I mean, no. I'm not. I'm not.

4:53 Drew Don't take it. Don't worry.

4:54 Adam Okay.

4:55 No, no.

4:55 Adam No.

4:56 All right.

4:57 Adam So this Sunday, 930 Fox. And like I said, now Fox, well, the series ended on Saturday, I guess. So Fox has begun, right? All the new airings.

5:11 Guest Yeah. They had a little bit of a lackluster performance last Monday.

5:17 Drew You guys are going to end this.

5:19 Guest With Spin and Joe Millionaire. But that's no, no. But I am not done yet. I'm going to spin it now.

5:24 Adam Right.

5:26 Guest I think the problem was there is that the women that watch Skin and Joe Millionaire, they weren't watching baseball where most of their promos were.

5:38 Adam Right.

5:39 Guest So what we've got now is a, I don't know, a re-up, a relaunch, I guess.

5:44 Adam It's going to be a juggernaut. There's no doubt about it. And you finished working on Starsky and Hutch.

5:50 Guest I did.

5:51 Adam Who were you?

5:52 Guest I was Vince Vaughn's bitch, basically. We play the bad guys and he's the leader and I'm sort of the science side of our partnership. We develop a cocaine that can't be sniffed out by dogs. This is set in the mid-70s.

6:12 Drew When they invented that.

6:13 Guest Cocaine came around then.

6:14 Drew No, they invented the sniffless cocaine.

6:17 Guest And the sniffing dog.

6:18 Adam Yeah, it's like the smuggler's ash tray.

6:20 Guest Right.

6:21 Adam And is it all out comedy, Starsky and Hutch?

6:25 Guest Well, not to them it's not. They're super cops and it's all very serious business, which is what makes it pretty hysterical. Yeah.

6:34 Drew The way VIP was serious.

6:36 Guest No, Drew. This actually, yeah, Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson were pretty effing hilarious with how serious they took everything. It was great.

6:47 Adam Those guys are good. And VIP started off serious, it's just they labeled it as a farce after people started laughing. You understand what I'm saying?

6:57 Guest Kind of by default.

6:58 Guest Serious to them.

6:59 Adam Right. That's like a lot of your patients probably felt the same way.

7:03 Wow.

7:04 Guest Do you guys need a moment?

7:05 Adam I think we had. We've had them. Natalie?

7:10 Yeah?

7:10 Adam You're 20?

7:11 Caller Uh-huh.

7:12 Adam What's up?

7:13 Caller Um, I, um, I'm sadomasochist and I was just wondering like if it's normal and, you know, why like is it healthy?

7:25 Drew You know, we had a lot of fetish calls last night, too.

7:27 Caller Oh, really?

7:28 Drew We were talking to people about how once you start going down that fetish path, you tend to kind of become, becomes a necessary part in order to function sexually. And in that case, when it does, it tends to take away from intimacy and sort of distract or distract you from the real relationship. So, you know, there's nothing wrong with it with a capital W, but it does, it can get in the way of healthy relationships.

7:49 Guest It's a small w.

7:50 Drew Small w. Well, that ain't wrong.

7:52 Adam Now, if you're a sadomasochist, are you always dealing out the punishment or can you be on both sides of the whip?

7:58 Caller Well, it depends, like, I'm not an extreme, like, you know, with the whips and craziness like that. I mean, it's just, it's minor. Like, I like to tie up my, the guys and, you know, like them in a helpless state is, like, really attractive to me.

8:14 Adam How about if the guy just watched TiVo and didn't seem all that interested in the world? It's kind of my move. You know, it's a passive, it's a passive attack, it sneaks up on you.

8:26 Drew It's impressive and it's powerless.

8:28 Adam But it's effective. They get angry. Yeah. I mean, what, I mean, what if the guy, do you want him struggling once you tie him up?

8:35 Yeah.

8:36 Drew Well, you want to see him fighting.

8:37 Caller You know, nothing like where they actually bust out, because that just wouldn't be.

8:41 Drew You want to see that he's helpless.

8:42 Yeah.

8:43 Drew And like, were you, were you made to feel helpless growing up yourself?

8:47 Caller Not really.

8:48 Drew I mean, like, you never were hit or anything.

8:52 Caller I'm sorry.

8:54 Drew Missed that one.

8:55 Adam Does, did anyone beat on you growing up?

8:57 Caller Yeah.

8:58 Adam Oh, they did.

8:59 Drew That's where this comes from usually.

9:00 Caller Oh, really? I mean, this is, and on the opposite side, I mean, I like to be held down a lot.

9:05 Drew Yeah, it gets connected. It's so funny that the things that made you feel helpless are things that become sources of attraction and arousal later in life.

9:12 Caller Yeah, I mean, I don't actually want to hurt him or anything.

9:15 Drew No, I know.

9:15 Caller Just them, like, struggling to get out.

9:17 Adam Is this a business or is this just a hobby?

9:21 Caller No, it's just a hobby.

9:22 I don't own a shop or anything.

9:23 Adam Do you have a boyfriend?

9:25 Guest Or a website?

9:26 Drew Can you have relationships?

9:28 Caller Yeah, I mean, I've been in a couple of long-term ones, but none of them seem to be all about that at all.

9:33 Drew But that's the important thing.

9:35 They're kind of scared off by it.

9:36 Drew Well.

9:37 Adam Do you use safe words? I always like to say for it.

9:41 Caller No, it never gets that bad that I had to. They won't even let me tie them up. It kind of sucks like that.

9:47 Adam No, they won't?

9:47 Caller No, it's like I have to imagine it mostly.

9:51 Drew That's because you go for guys that are cops and things like that, right? Oh, no. What? Cops. No, she goes for guys that really seem powerful and something like that.

10:01 Guest Drew, it sounds like you might know her.

10:03 Drew I've known more than a few Natalys.

10:05 Guest You know what seems weird to me? S&M, long-term S&M relationships, what happens when you have orange juice in the morning or coffee? What happens when you have kids in your cataracts?

10:14 Drew What happens when you're 65?

10:15 Guest Yeah, right.

10:16 Caller Oh, I don't know.

10:17 Think about that.

10:20 Caller I guess I'll have to get a soundproof room or something.

10:25 Drew Natalie, relax.

10:26 Adam You don't sound like you're too far gone, but you may be going down that trail.

10:34 Drew Know that it came from having been physically abused by your parents. Realize that. The fact that you can have relationships, great. You should find a guy that can play along with you and know that when you've been physically abused, you will tend to go for guys that seem powerful to make you feel safe, but those guys can become the perpetrators of further physical abuse later.

10:52 Adam So I would I would immediately forget my safe word. This would be my prom. Like I would I would immediately forget it.

11:00 Drew Daffy Duck trying to get in the.

11:01 Yes.

11:02 Adam Yes. I and I would I would probably have to get one of those like quarterback wristbands that had my safe word on it so I could check it every once in a while.

11:11 Drew Sarsaparilla.

11:13 Adam Yeah.

11:14 I would go nuts.

11:15 Adam And to me it's like here here here's the ultimate safe word. I will throw you off of me into the hamper and then attack you physically with the plunger. That's how you know.

11:25 Drew The universal safe word Adam I just figured out the universal safe word. You know it.

11:30 Adam Yeah.

11:30 Drew I'm serious.

11:31 Adam Yeah. It should just be I'm serious. I've said this many times like as a kid you could use the I'm serious like when I was a kid I got rolled up in a carpet once. And you know I said it'd be funny take Adam he's 10 years old put him in this carpet we'll roll him up. I had my hands by my side I had about four foot of carpet you know over my head.

11:50 Guest Sounds like a cartoon.

11:51 Adam It sucked. And then naturally as soon as I was rolled up people started kicking me and I was like let me out. You know I'm going nuts. I felt claustrophobic and everyone is laughing and kicking me and then I yelled I'm serious. And everyone went he's serious. And then they rolled out. They know like when you're a kid you get a guy in a headlock or something but if he gave the I'm serious call that's when you had to back off.

12:14 Guest It's a universal safe word and you've had hardwood floors ever since.

12:18 Adam As an adult.

12:19 Guest Nice tie-in.

12:20 Adam As an adult but it wasn't no because it wasn't wall to wall you're right you missed the point.

12:24 Drew The point is now he has to do that every time he's sexual his wife.

12:27 Adam I got to use the carpet.

12:28 Drew The carpet roll. You roll it different.

12:30 Guest Right.

12:32 Adam I do it more to gain girth than I do well it's a different story.

12:36 Guest But that's just this girl's problem is just like the same sort of just a different way of manifesting like the same way if like a girl grows up or a guy for that matter and their mother or father is withholding they constantly go for people who are withholding.

12:49 Drew Yeah. If you have somebody who is absent you go for absent people.

12:53 Guest That's right.

12:53 Adam Josh?

12:54 Yeah.

12:55 Adam You're 22?

12:56 Caller I am.

12:57 Adam What's up?

12:58 Caller I actually got a question for Dr. Drew. All right. I do math probably maybe like two or three times a week and I've been doing it for about a year now.

13:08 Drew You should know first of all that meth addiction, the majority of meth addicts do it two or three times a week.

13:15 Caller Really?

13:16 Drew Meth is not a daily drug typically. Not?

13:18 Caller Okay, I guess I'm an addict. I don't consider myself one but...

13:21 Drew I know. I just thought I'd alert you to what you're doing.

13:24 Adam Why not? Why isn't it a daily drug?

13:26 Drew People can't... Once they do it they get really psychotic when they don't get it daily and they just don't get to that point.

13:31 Guest So we just never hear from the people that do it every day?

13:34 Drew He will get there. He will have it if he stays with it long enough, but most people I treat it as a three...

13:38 Guest It's kind of like a day after each one to recover.

13:41 Drew Kicking the crap out of them a little bit.

13:42 Guest Smoking or what do they do?

13:43 Drew Do you smoke it or snorting it?

13:45 Caller I do both actually. I stay away from the needles just because I'm afraid of needles, but I do like to smoke it.

13:49 Drew Let's be clear. You smoke it most of the time?

13:51 Caller Huh?

13:51 Drew You smoke it most of the time? Yeah.

13:55 Adam And by the way, three times a week can be five times a week and a year can be 16, 17 months. That's what I would say.

14:04 Drew So, the question is.

14:06 Caller But anyways, I have a, I wouldn't call her a girlfriend, but I have a girl that I, you know, we hook up every now and then. But when I'm by myself and I'm, it seems like whenever I come home and I'm high or I've been high for the last couple days or so, I want to masturbate, but it just takes so much longer, it seems, when I've been on it, you know, lately, it's actually get off.

14:31 Drew Right. You're on drugs.

14:32 Caller Yeah, is that what I mean?

14:34 Drew It's interesting, if you were taking Prozac and you had trouble to, you know, ejaculate and you'd be like, hey, what's wrong with this horrible medicine you're giving me? But with speed, it's like, hey, you think it could have anything to do with that? You think?

14:43 Adam Yeah. Everything goes, everything is, everything's like a funnel right to your, to your sack. I mean, every, every drug, every, every booze, every food, everything that goes in, it just goes right to your door. What is that? What is that?

14:57 Drew When it counts. When it's, you know, if it's going to do something significant, that's where it's going to do it.

15:01 Adam I don't know why it starts there. What could start with your feet or something?

15:04 Drew It's a delicate system. Yes, it can, you will start having trouble with erection and arousal and things sooner than later.

15:10 Adam All right. So Josh. First off, Josh is a horrible name for a speed addict.

15:16 Caller I'll crank your brain.

15:18 Adam Change your name to Kurt.

15:19 Drew No, no, no, no. Josh was first a marijuana addict.

15:22 Adam I was.

15:23 Drew Yeah.

15:24 Adam Ah. Oh, Josh is a great name for a pothead.

15:27 Guest Is this a return caller?

15:28 Drew No. Because pretty much all speed addicts start with potheads. And pot, I'll tell Josh's story without ever having met him. Pot started in his mid-teens probably, loved it, went on for six, eight years with that. If it had kept working, he'd still be smoking pot, but it stops working after about six, eight years. Starts getting depressed, start looking for solutions to that, finds his way to speed, someone gives it to him, pow, everything's okay again, and off they go with the speed.

15:50 Adam Oh, you forgot he kills himself by driving his mom's LeBaron over a cliff.

15:55 Guest Wait, but Adam, I think you think that Josh is a bad name for a speed for mad beat cars.

15:59 Drew It's good for him.

16:00 Guest Do you think that he's like in a trailer in Arizona?

16:01 Drew No, it's good for a marijuana addict.

16:03 Guest Right. Josh is a great name for a marijuana addict.

16:07 Adam Steve, Steve-O-Curt is a strong meth name.

16:10 Guest See, Steve's not good, but Steve-O is great.

16:12 Adam Steve-O is great, yeah.

16:13 Caller So is Josh a good name for a coke addict? Because I've been trying that lately too.

16:17 Guest Whoa.

16:18 Drew Yeah, stimulants are all basically the same.

16:20 Caller All the same?

16:21 Drew Well, it's all the same in terms of the syndrome that you represent. And Josh, I treat Josh-like cases every single day. It always follows the same pattern. It's really interesting.

16:34 Adam How much is a gram of coke these days? Because I'm looking to get back.

16:37 Caller How much is a gram of coke? Depends on how good you want it. I mean, you could pay 60, you could pay 154, it just depends on how good it is.

16:46 Adam Eight ball? What's that run you these days?

16:48 Caller Meth or coke?

16:49 Adam Coke. I mean, who cares? How much for an eight ball coke? A hundred, a hundred bucks for an, how come a...

16:58 Drew Isn't it about more than a gram?

16:59 Adam It's like three grams and change.

17:00 Drew How come a gram is more than three grams?

17:03 Adam Josh is high. Josh, let me ask you something. Yeah. You, we know you're not Asian, by the way, not only because you're strung out on speed but because your math skills. You say that a gram of coke is about a hundred bucks, if it's good.

17:21 Drew Fifty bucks, he said.

17:22 Adam It could be anywhere from sixty to one-fifty. By the way, the over a hundred percent range, not interested in that. You know what I mean? Like, how much is a flight to New York? It could be five hundred, it could be twenty-five hundred. That's now where I was before I started talking. So if a gram is about a hundred bucks, then how can an eight ball be about a hundred bucks?

17:47 Guest Quality.

17:47 Drew Oh, you stumped Josh. You stumped him.

17:49 Adam You know what I'm saying?

17:50 Guest Because your quality goes down the more you buy, maybe that's it.

17:53 Drew Yeah, we got that.

17:56 Adam So anyway, you got to get some help, right? Yeah. Yeah, we know so. How about it, buddy?

18:03 Guest Let me ask you this.

18:04 Caller I could try, I guess. I mean, I've been trying to quit. Not very successful.

18:08 Drew You're not going to quit on your own. I guarantee it.

18:10 Guest Yeah, but hey, Josh, what's in your life right now? Like, do you have like a good job that excites you so that, you know, you'd like fly up in the morning, you know, and like maybe get to bed at a decent hour because you're excited about the day ahead of you? Because if you don't have that, it's kind of tough to stop doing what you're doing at night.

18:27 Caller I got a good job. I mean, I've never been late for work. I never miss a day of work. I go to school full-time.

18:32 Drew He does speed during the day. Yeah.

18:35 Guest But isn't meth a lot harder to come off than, haven't they? I think I read somewhere, maybe I just made up, that it's a lot harder to come off meth than it is to come off opiates or alcohol, which could generally be serviced with a 12-step program that they're having a lot harder time getting people off.

18:54 Drew You know, it's harder for a couple of reasons. I can't say that. It's certainly not harder than opiates or heroin, but it is difficult for a couple reasons. Guys like Josh, you hear that denial. He's like, I can handle a lot of stuff. And because it's not often not a daily drug, they really can't equate it with being addicted. They don't feel like they don't think they're addicted. And then when they try stopping, it's almost like the self ceases to exist. They get the sense that they they'll just cease to exist without this drug. They feel so empty. And it's a very horrifying feeling. It's hard to get them through that. And they often have to spend, you know, several weeks in a highly structured environment, like a sober living. Josh, just call NA call NA go to some 12-step meetings, meet some people who've been through what you've been through and take some direction from them. And there's nothing. It's not about stopping. It's about getting into a program.

19:38 Adam And good times. Good times, yeah. Shelly?

19:41 Guest Yeah.

19:42 Adam You're 22? What's up? I think we got a bad line. What's up, Shelly?

19:54 Guest She's obviously was singular.

19:56 Adam She's a virgin. Wants to know if there's any way to stretch her vagina out before sex.

20:03 Guest I can take that one in the back.

20:05 Drew Shelly? Gone.

20:07 Adam Is she gone? It's too bad. Maybe her hymen ruptured while she was on the phone.

20:15 Drew I think that's what happened.

20:15 Adam Can it blow? I hear they'll blow about 22, 23 if they're still there.

20:20 Drew Oh, yeah.

20:21 Adam They'll just blow.

20:22 Drew Especially in this heat too.

20:23 Adam If it's hot and I hear if the girl gets really angry.

20:26 Guest Yeah. If she's anywhere near Lake Arrowhead, that's probably what happened.

20:29 Drew Well, that's the altitude issue that happens later.

20:31 Adam Amber gets caught up in there. Lights the tampon fuse like an M80. Oh, yeah. If you guys haven't seen that, you haven't seen anything. It is crazy. Drew, wouldn't it be great? Wouldn't it be a great gag? Fuse tampons.

20:46 Guest Sounds like a Smigel cartoon. It's a nice Smigel cartoon.

20:50 Drew But go through your novelty tampons again, because that really is a thing which time has come.

20:55 Adam Oh, really? My novelty? Yeah.

20:57 Guest You have a list of them?

20:58 Drew No, yeah.

20:59 Adam I was just thinking it'd be, guys are pretty well freaked out by tampons, but what if we shape them like rats, you know, and just hit the tail. As a matter of fact, we don't have to shape the tampon like anything. Just the tail. You got the rat's tail. You got the lamp pole.

21:18 Guest You say that would be more appealing to a guy?

21:20 Guest You know what? It's not even to a guy, really. She's the only one who's getting the giggle out of it.

21:24 Drew They get a little laugh out of it.

21:26 Guest Knowing that they got it, they go to it. It's empowering if you go to a meeting.

21:29 Drew We got to write these out. We got to write these out.

21:30 Adam Graduation tassel.

21:31 Drew Yes.

21:32 Adam That'd be nice, right?

21:33 Drew For the special occasion, dingle balls or something.

21:37 Guest Rosary beads.

21:38 Adam Oh, rosaries, yeah. A natural.

21:40 Guest That'd be great.

21:41 Adam A natural, yeah. You got your pearls.

21:43 Drew Sure.

21:43 Adam You got your Wilma Flintstone necklace kind of thing. Like a phone cord.

21:48 Drew Phone cord.

21:49 Guest Yeah, phone cord would be good.

21:50 Adam You got your general sort of just red rip cord kind of thing that comes on parachutes or those zodiac rafts or anything that inflates. Let me ask you guys. You guys are doing a TV show. Whatever happened to the inflatable raft humor? We haven't talked about that in a while. Yeah, they'd rip the cord on the thing. It would start inflating. I love it. We're in the phone booth that the characters are in.

22:12 Guest No, you can still find that over at ABC.

22:14 Adam Oh, you're still doing that, huh?

22:15 Guest Yeah, Laugh Out Loud Tuesdays.

22:17 Drew We need to see gorillas. There's little gorillas on TV again.

22:20 Guest I always wanted.

22:20 Guest There is one good show on Tuesday on ABC. I'm with her. I'm a fan of that one.

22:26 Adam Oh, really?

22:26 Guest Yeah.

22:27 Adam I haven't seen it.

22:27 Guest I think he picks up a producer check on that.

22:29 Guest No.

22:30 Adam Oh, there's something.

22:31 Guest What about throwing up into the glass? I always like that inside a car. So the camera's outside. All you just see is just throw up and then you.

22:38 Adam I think I figured out the connection. Paul Anka wrote the theme. Yes? All right, Jason Bateman is here tonight. Will Arnett is here tonight. Both from, what the hell's the name of the show? Ah, Arrested Development, Sunday Nights, 9.30. Fox premiering this Sunday night. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

22:58 Caller Hello, this is your radio.

23:05 Every hour, two Americans under the age of 25 are infected with HIV. Protect yourself. Call toll free 1-866-344-KNOW.

23:33 Adam There, buddy, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1, Jason Bateman. Will Arnett here tonight, both from Arrested Development, premiering on Fox this Sunday at 9.30. And...

23:50 Guest That's such a warm group you have there that applauds for us.

23:53 Adam Yeah.

23:53 Guest It's nice that they're here so late.

23:54 Adam They're fans.

23:55 Guest Oh, thanks, guys.

23:57 Adam Will is married to Amy Poehler, who Drew doesn't know because Drew doesn't know anything, but I know is a fan of SNL, is on Saturday Night Live. Oh, yeah. And marvelously talented, I should say, even if I didn't pronounce it right. Must be nice.

24:12 Guest Marvelous.

24:12 Adam Yeah. Marvelous, I can say, but marvelously. It adds a degree of difficulty to it.

24:19 Guest Tom Brokaw can't say that either.

24:21 Adam Is that... Have you guys... Did you meet her when she was on Saturday Night Live? You must have met her before that.

24:28 Guest No, that was before, yeah.

24:29 Adam Yeah, cause you couldn't land that kind of tail after. I mean, after.

24:34 Guest You'd be surprised.

24:35 Adam Really? No, I know. You're nice looking.

24:37 Guest No, I'm... Hey, don't get jealous.

24:40 Guest Cause he'll get up out of the chair.

24:42 Guest Bateman gets jealous about that kind of stuff.

24:45 Guest He's sitting next to me, Adam.

24:48 Adam Yeah, that's a catch.

24:50 Guest She's great. She's a really, really talented...

24:53 Guest Individual...

24:54 Guest .person.

24:54 Adam She's really good on that show.

24:56 Guest Yeah.

24:57 Adam Yeah.

24:58 Guest Genuinely funny. Mike? Yeah.

25:01 Hey, what's going on, guys?

25:02 Adam You're 19? What's up?

25:04 Caller Question. Last week I was getting, I guess you could say, oral sex from my girlfriend. Mm-hmm. And my right testicle, as she was doing that, went inside me.

25:19 Drew Mm-hmm. And you never had that before?

25:21 Adam That's the gay one?

25:24 Caller I don't know. It must be the...

25:25 Adam My left is bi. Oh, really? It's not happy about oral. I mean, that's from a guy.

25:30 Caller It didn't necessarily... It kind of confirms. It just felt weird.

25:35 Drew Yeah, Mike, that's normal. Mike is normal. It happens to most guys.

25:39 Adam Dude, these guys are laughing, Drew. That's good.

25:42 Drew If I had a soul. That's right. Especially when guys, at the time of ejaculation, that's when it sort of typically occurred.

25:48 Caller Yeah, I think it was not long before that. Right. I mean, there's...

25:51 Drew That's the cremasteric muscles kind of pull it up.

25:54 Adam What can you do?

25:57 Drew You push it back down again, because it can be kind of uncomfortable, but you can get lodged in there, right? No, no. I've never heard of that.

26:03 Adam You haven't? But you have heard of it going up in there when you're... or never coming down.

26:08 Drew Never coming down, yeah, which is a non-descended testicle. Basically, your testes running back to where it started.

26:13 Adam Did you have that?

26:14 Guest I had that when I was a kid. When I was like four, I had it. It didn't come down.

26:16 Drew Did they take it out, or did they pull it down?

26:18 Guest No, I don't know what they did. They're both there now.

26:20 Drew Yes, they pulled it down.

26:21 Caller Oh, they did something.

26:23 Drew No, don't worry about it.

26:24 Caller No, I mean, like it didn't hurt or anything like that, so it won't hurt it or damage it.

26:29 Drew No, no.

26:29 Adam How do they, when they get it down, I imagine it's like trying to get a drawstring back into some sweatpants. You know, that sort of weird, frustrating feeling of sort of trying to get...

26:39 Drew I think it's more like trying to like push a golf ball through a sock.

26:42 Adam Yeah, but I could do that. Yeah. I don't know why that is. It seems like he's to spend a fair amount of time trying to get strings back into sweatpants and somehow have outgrown it, or they've worked it out, or what happens?

26:56 Guest If you could have someone responsible for that, you would have saved a lot of frustration over the years. That's what you're saying.

27:02 Adam I spent a lot of time as a kid doing things with shoelaces and trying to thread things. I rarely thread anymore, but somehow...

27:10 Drew Velcro took care of some of that.

27:11 Adam Is that what it was?

27:12 Guest Yeah, they're much better at designing that stuff. They're a lot more knots now on things, I think.

27:17 Adam Yeah, we're more knot friendly in society than we were. I think it was that whole why knot campaign that ran in the mid-80s that I think kind of turned everyone on to it. Eric, they approached you to do some PSAs for that, didn't they?

27:33 Drew I did a couple.

27:34 Adam I'm sorry, I didn't see them all. Erica? You're 17? What's up?

27:51 Drew So it tastes bad?

27:52 It tastes horribly bad.

27:54 Adam Horribly bad?

27:55 Horribly bad.

27:56 Adam What's it taste like?

27:57 Guest Urine?

28:00 Drew That would be good.

28:00 Guest That would be urine.

28:02 Drew That would be horribly, horribly bad.

28:04 Well, see, before I was going out with my boyfriend, I used to swallow all the time, you know? Not like that. But no, I used to swallow, and now I just can't do it.

28:18 Adam But I mean, you've sampled, you've demonstrated your sampling.

28:22 Yes, I've sampled normal tasting cum, but this is just like...

28:26 Drew Is it taste or consistency or volume?

28:28 It's like, it's not jello-y. It's not that hard, but it has...

28:33 Adam Drew, you ever get up to Jizz Country and do some Jizz Tasting? It's great. You get a basket.

28:39 Guest It's just east of Napa.

28:41 Adam Yeah, you get a bicycle. It's great.

28:46 Guest A bicycle built for goo?

28:48 Adam It's awesome. You're feeling right by your eighth or ninth... What would you call it? What would a vineyard be?

28:58 Guest It's a ginyard.

29:00 Adam Jizzyard. Erica.

29:03 Yes.

29:04 Adam So this guy is way worse than all the other guys.

29:07 Yeah, it makes me gag.

29:10 Drew But here she said she doesn't like the chunks.

29:12 Adam You don't like the consistency?

29:14 The consistency is really, really gross. And I have to run to the bathroom to spit it out and brush my teeth.

29:21 Drew True.

29:21 Adam You know in bathroom sinks they have those aerators. You screw on the little screen. You screw on to the bottom of the spigot so the water doesn't all just sort of comes out a little foamy. Anything like that for the penis? No?

29:35 Drew No, but I think we need to invent something for the mouth. You know, it's like a sieve.

29:41 Adam No, I'm saying hold on a second. We may be on to something here. Something that could go on to the penis. If she doesn't...

29:48 Drew You don't want it going in the mouth. You want it coming out of the penis. If you keep things in the penis you're going to be in trouble.

29:55 Adam Yeah, I'm saying just like a colander. That's what I'm saying.

30:00 Guest Like what's on top of this microphone right now maybe.

30:02 Adam Right, almost exactly.

30:04 Guest Make the rest of the night comfortable for us.

30:06 Drew It's going to be perfect.

30:07 Adam And I say it goes on top of the penis, not the mouth.

30:10 Drew It has to be a little bit loose on the penis.

30:13 Guest Clamp on like a bite guard for a dog.

30:15 Adam Right. There's something here. We're going to have to put a few bucks in R&D and we'll figure it out. Erica? Does he know he tastes worse than all the other?

30:27 Yeah, and he actually he's tried to call before and asked him and asked like what the matter is. Because like...

30:34 Drew How often does he ejaculate?

30:36 Well, we have sex every day.

30:38 Drew Every day.

30:39 Adam Every day. And you do this? Do you do this for him every day?

30:42 Well, sometimes we have sex. Sometimes I give him head depending on what I feel like.

30:47 Drew How old is this guy?

30:48 He's 18.

30:50 Adam He's 18. Son of a bitch.

30:51 Guest Maybe he's a lot of curry or something.

30:55 Drew And is it every time this disgusting way?

30:58 Yes, every time.

30:59 Disgusting every time.

31:01 And it's like, the consistency of it is like when you blow your nose and you have a really, really bad cold and it's like that. You know, it's like it's really gross.

31:13 Adam Alright, but here's the thing. It never comes out like butterscotch. It never tastes great. It can only get so good.

31:23 Drew It can only get bad.

31:24 Adam But it can really go south. Alright, what can we do? Does this guy eat a lot of Lunchables? Alright, I don't want to get into that story.

31:33 Guest There are things that change the taste of it. Yes, no. I mean, I watch Sex and the City.

31:39 Adam We do hear that like pineapple juice.

31:41 Drew We hear it, but it's never been confirmed. And it's really, her problem really is not the taste, it is the consistency.

31:51 Adam Why, you don't have to ingest it. Why don't you just spit it out like you've been doing? She does.

31:56 Drew She needs to run to the bathroom, really vomit, brush her teeth.

31:59 You know, it's not that he has a problem with me spitting it out. It's just that I'd rather swallow it if I could.

32:04 So I was wondering if there is something that, you know, Why would you rather swallow it if you could?

32:09 It's easier.

32:11 Adam Let's just say this. Let's say you're in front of the refrigerator. You took a swig of milk. It had turned. It had gone bad. Would it be easier to swallow it? Or easier just to run over the sink and spit it out?

32:23 Guest She's going to get over it.

32:24 Drew You're a little too enthusiastic here.

32:27 Adam About swallowing it?

32:30 Guest It's the protein that I think she's looking for. Maybe. You're on the look into something more than that.

32:34 Drew It worries me.

32:37 Adam She's on the Atkins. Here's the thing. We can't change the consistency. Drew, what if he just started eating flour in bulk? Just lots of flour. Nothing? Not bulk flour, confectioners sugar or something? Like you're trying to build a coffee cake in his stomach? Nothing?

33:00 Drew Nothing.

33:01 Adam You just have to spit it into the toilet. Like a good girl, by the way.

33:08 Drew That's what the girls who go to finishing school do.

33:13 Guest Maybe I should keep something nearby.

33:15 Adam A little spit cup. Like guys who dip. Guys who chew tobacco. Like a Bugs Bunny cartoon. Just keep a little spittoon next to the bed. This really, quite honestly, this is what... I haven't given this speech in a while. Potted plants in your room like a fern. This is a catch-all. This is a storm drain. This is a urinal. This is a roof scupper. This is everything. You can vomit into this thing. You can urinate in a pinch. You can spit some bad spunk into it. You can blow a snot rocket. Plants are like nature's garbage disposal. You can pee on them.

33:53 Drew You can think of this plant every day for America. That's for emergencies.

33:59 Adam Seriously, a nice potted fern. You can hide stuff in there. It's like if there's a roach or something and your stepmom's coming up the stairs, you know, you just shove it in there. It's a good thing, Drew. People don't have enough potted plants in their house anymore. You know?

34:15 Drew It was a big thing in the 70s, wasn't it?

34:17 Adam My mom was into that talking to the plants.

34:20 Drew Yeah, and then hanging them for macrame.

34:22 Adam Didn't talk to the kids that much, ironically. But loved to carry on with the plants. Maybe the plants didn't want to be fed or hugged. Alright, let's keep moving forward, Drew.

34:32 Drew It's a sore point.

34:33 Adam It is. Melissa?

34:35 Yeah?

34:36 Adam You're 17? What's up?

34:39 Caller Well, about a week ago, I started birth control. And I was curious as to if it mattered so much that I didn't take it at the exact same time every night.

34:51 How far off?

34:52 Caller Huh?

34:53 Drew How far off were you?

34:56 Caller Sometimes about an hour. A couple times, spent a couple hours.

35:00 Drew That's fine.

35:01 Caller It's fine? So I can wait like a week and just go at it without a condom?

35:05 Drew Well, it's an interesting question. Some people would say, most people I think would say for safety, you want to wait until you completed your first cycle.

35:12 Caller I couldn't hear you. What?

35:14 Drew He couldn't hear me. I don't know. Most people would advise you to wait until you completed an entire cycle. Which one are you on?

35:24 Caller Um, also tricycline.

35:25 Drew Yeah, the tricyclic ones are probably safe and probably fine, but still, I know a lot of doctors still advise you to take a full month.

35:31 Adam What did your doctor say?

35:33 Caller Well, one of them said that it was sure, or he was sure that I should take it at the same time every night. And then the other doctor I went to yesterday or the day before or something said that it was okay as long as it was in a two to four hour period.

35:49 Drew I agree with that doctor.

35:50 Adam I just I just wanted I just wanted to know what he said about when you could start having sex.

35:55 Caller Oh, about a week into it, about a week into the pill.

36:00 Adam These guys know as much as Drew, if not more. So you don't have to call the show. Well, all right. But good times.

36:06 Caller Yeah, good times.

36:07 Adam All right. Hey, you're calling from Oregon.

36:09 Caller I am.

36:10 Adam What's the weather like over there?

36:12 Caller I think actually I think we missed the season. It's actually been really hot here lately.

36:17 Adam Really?

36:17 Caller Yeah. I mean, shockingly enough, we've had zero rain and well, today it drizzled, but What do you mean by hot?

36:24 Adam Seventies.

36:25 Caller Seventies.

36:27 Drew You know how that makes us feel?

36:28 Adam Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if it's cooling off here or we're having like what we call nuclear winter.

36:34 Drew It is nuclear winter.

36:35 Adam Is that what it is?

36:36 Drew Make no mistake about it. The sun was blocked out by fire smoke today.

36:40 Adam Yeah. I felt bad for the victims, but I did feel happy that we dropped a few degrees.

36:44 Drew But it was it was macabre.

36:47 Guest Weird.

36:47 Adam Yeah. You know, my wife told me tonight, she said we should we should say something about the victims funds and that people could call in or not call in, but people could go on the website and donate money.

36:59 Guest Well, I can tell you that my wife got me into my closet last night and I pulled out two large trash bags of clothes that I haven't worn for a year and a half.

37:10 Adam Oh, to donate?

37:11 Guest She took them down the Red Cross and I think it's interesting that your wife put you back in the closet.

37:15 Guest Well, no, I knew that sounded bad. Oh, yeah, so I thinned out the closet and helped out some people at the same time.

37:25 Adam I could just see it like a guy's going, dude, you dress like that guy from Hogan's band.

37:30 Guest Hey, you're a Teen Wolf, too.

37:32 Drew Do you want to give the site out? I've got it here. Your wife emailed me on my pager.

37:36 Adam Well, I think it's the KROQ site.

37:39 Drew It's www.kroq.com. Then what I've got is forward slash KROC now. Forward slash KROC now dot html. All right.

37:49 Adam But just go to the KROC, www.krock.com. And right at the front of the page, it'll tell you where to donate. We donated, we donated some money. I don't know how much. My wife.

38:03 Guest They need clothes. You know, it's going to get cold pretty soon. Everything's gone. Oh, yeah. Right.

38:08 Adam They say it may get into the 80s. By December.

38:11 Guest Shorts. Shorts and wife beaters.

38:13 Adam That's right. All right. Should we take a quick break?

38:16 Drew Why not?

38:17 Adam I like the guys who want to stay behind. And even though there's no electricity or water pressure, they just want to hang with their house. And they just urinate on the gazebo in order to keep it alive. I like that. I like those grizzled guys. I heard about invention today, by the way, where you, Drew, you'd like this. You plug it in your pool. You just drop the, you know, elephant's trunk down into the pool, fire up a Briggs & Stratton, and you got like 30,000 gallons. And you're putting out like, I don't know, it's like 130 gallons a minute or something. Your garden hose puts out like 30 gallons. Not a bad thing to have, right?

38:53 Drew Sign me up.

38:53 Adam Yeah, Drew? Yeah. Get you one of those.

38:56 Drew Tons of hose, though.

38:58 Adam Well, all right, you got to get some hose. But the point is you have your entire swimming pool at your disposal. When the water pressure is gone and the embers are falling on the roof of your house, you got your swimming pool.

39:09 Drew Let's bring it on.

39:11 Adam Yeah. You know, your last moments in life would be trying to get the mower engine started. And it's like... Fire closing... Wife standing there.

39:22 Guest Choke it!

39:24 Adam You should have put the stabilizer in the tank.

39:27 Guest The drawstrings that come out of your sweatpants and you can't get the string back through.

39:31 Adam That would be your last memory. Ever see those hammers advertised? You see it in the In-Flight magazine. It's the life hammer. It's the hammer that goes in your car so that when you pull the chapiquitic thing, when you go off the bridge and capsize into the ball... And kill somebody. Theoretically, almost kill yourself. But when you're in the car and the doors are locked and the windows roll up, you get the life hammer out of your car and bust out the window and swim to safety. This is an actual invention that I saw being sold. You'll see it next to the ladder, the rope ladder for the two-story buildings and the fire and the whole thing. But I thought... See, here's why this invention is no good. First off, regular hammer. Can't bust the car window with a regular hammer? No. I think I'd do it with my forehead if I was taking in enough water. Number one. Number two, it's four in the morning. You've won off the bridge because you're loaded. You're now upside down in your vehicle and you're under 30 feet of water. Where's that goddamn hammer?

40:36 Drew It's in the trunk.

40:37 Adam It's in the trunk. Wherever it is, you ain't getting to it. But that's where they'll find you. They'll find you trying to rip open the back seat. Trying to chew through the back seat to get into the trunk to get the hammer of life.

40:50 Guest Let me ask you, at what point of the flight is it okay to read The Sky Ball? At what point are you a loser?

40:56 Drew Before takeoff.

40:58 Adam The movie.

40:59 Drew That's the time you can glance at everything that's in the front and then you're supposed to put it away.

41:02 Guest And then you just put it away? Like middle of the flight.

41:04 Drew You pull it out and that's loser.

41:06 Guest That is loser middle.

41:07 Adam To me it's important.

41:08 Drew You didn't bring anything to read.

41:09 Guest What about if you're looking at like where American's gates are at like Heathrow and you never go overseas. You're like, oh good to know that there's an Admiral's Club next to 49.

41:18 Adam It's like Fifth Bloody Mary and they're showing My Dog Spot. And you saw it on the way in.

41:28 Drew And Good Boy.

41:28 Adam And Good Boy. Alright, we'll take a quick break and we'll be right back.

41:35 Caller Loveline, Loveline, Loveline, Loveline.

41:40 Caller Love Line on 947-NRK.

41:59 Guest Hey everybody, it's Love Line.

42:01 Adam That's Dr. Drew. Will Arnett is here. Jason Bateman is here. Arrested Development. Name of the show? Sunday Night, 9.30 on Fox, everybody. Big premiere this Sunday, and we gotta make it big.

42:15 Guest Yeah.

42:16 Adam We gotta come out big.

42:17 Guest Show up. You will not be pissed.

42:20 Adam No. And listen, you guys are funny.

42:23 Guest You're funny, Adam.

42:24 Adam Thank you, but you don't need to work. You're not doing this for the money.

42:28 Guest I don't take a salary.

42:31 Guest I get the balance of what he does.

42:33 Adam Oh, okay.

42:33 Guest Yeah.

42:34 Adam But listen, your father-in-law is not Paul Anker.

42:36 Guest No, he's not. My father-in-law is Bill Poehler in Burlington, Mass.

42:40 Adam Yeah. Who's super, Amy Poehler, by the way, wife of Will, who's very funny on Saturday Night Live. Yes? She brings home some money, right?

42:51 Guest She does.

42:51 Adam You could be a stay-at-home dad.

42:53 Guest I guess I could. To my dogs.

42:57 Adam Oh, you don't have any kids?

42:58 Guest No. We've only been married since August.

43:02 Adam You have an ego about that, having a funny wife who makes a lot of money?

43:05 Guest No.

43:06 Adam No, I wouldn't either.

43:07 Guest It's crazy. Yeah. She's hilarious and super talented.

43:13 Guest You know, Lorne Michaels ain't handing out the gold chips over to her by the by.

43:17 Guest Nobody does that show to him.

43:18 Guest I don't know if you've noticed, but handsome Will Arnett's got an equally handsome voice. It brings in quite a bit of money every year. Isn't that right, Willie?

43:27 Guest Mr. GMC?

43:28 Adam I do the GMC. Yeah, you do have a good voice.

43:31 Guest He's got that voice quality down. Here we go.

43:37 Guest What is the new GMC?

43:39 Guest Do the one...

43:40 Adam Now, isn't the one where is it commercial where they're saying the guy's an engineer and the engineer is a GMC engineer?

43:49 Guest It's professional grade engineering. It's not more than you need, just more than you're used to.

43:54 Guest There it is everybody. That's what Amy Poehler is loving right there.

44:00 Guest I used to do like promos for the networks for like CBS before and that was, you know, paying the rent stuff and well, I might add, if they are still hiring and it was like, you know, unattached by an angel, you can't believe. I'd always think like, how can you not believe it? There's no way that it's unbelievable. There's nothing that you can do untouched by an angel that I won't believe.

44:25 Adam Here's what I want you to do for me because I've been thinking about this for a while. I always want to hear him do this one. This week on Hack, in order to catch an arsonist, Hack's going to have to become a rapist. Make people think for a minute, and then each week it's a new thing. In order to bust up a laundry money, money laundering scheme, Scheme Hack's going to have to become a rapist. He always is a rapist. No matter what, it doesn't matter what he's trying to bust, he has to become. Give me one of those. Give me one of those.

45:00 Caller In order to reach these kids, Hack will have to become a rapist.

45:09 Adam See, now it's funny.

45:10 Yeah.

45:11 Adam All right, I'm going to write this. I'm going to write a few hacks and errors out.

45:14 Drew That's good.

45:16 Adam Yeah. Now what would be a good thing for Hack to bust up?

45:18 Guest What is Hack?

45:19 Caller Touched by an uncle.

45:20 Adam Yeah, see? You should do a CD.

45:23 Guest That's a Loveline subject matter.

45:25 Adam Kara? You're 20?

45:29 Drew What's up?

45:29 Adam What's up?

45:33 Caller I use the Nuva Ring, but also we use the Foam Contraceptive, and sometimes we like to use whipped cream and stuff.

45:45 Drew Are they advising you to use the contraceptive foam with the ring?

45:49 Caller Well, I have a weird menstruation going on.

45:54 Drew But the foam's not going to do much for you.

45:58 Caller Well, she just said to use a second one.

46:00 Drew I think maybe she means a barrier, like a condom, that sort of thing.

46:05 Caller No, because we're not sure why I'm not menstruating regularly, so she said just for a few months, just make sure I use a second backup.

46:14 Drew All right. You better clarify what she means by backup when you talk to her, but go ahead.

46:19 Caller Well, just for pregnancy, we aren't worried about disease or anything.

46:22 Drew No, I know, but they usually mean a barrier when they say a backup, like a condom, but go ahead, go ahead.

46:28 Caller Okay, anyways, my question was that if I'm using the foam and then like we're using whipped cream or something, would that by any chance make the foam inactive?

46:39 Drew The foam is already no good, is my point.

46:41 Adam And you could destroy the Sunday. Absolutely destroy it.

46:45 Drew Yeah, so the foam is already really not doing much.

46:48 Caller Even though it's like up in there and everything?

46:50 Drew Yeah, it's not doing much. And I don't think the whipped cream is going to significantly affect it one way or another.

46:55 Adam Really?

46:55 Drew Yep. Foam is not very effective. It's better than nothing, but it's not very effective.

47:02 Adam All right, I'm going to work this hack thing out. This is going to be great. Is thief T-H-I or T-H-E? I-F.

47:11 All right, I got it. I before E.

47:13 Adam Yeah, I was thinking about that. All right, we got some good hack. I got some good hack reads when we come back. All right, we'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

47:21 Caller Alright guys, here's the deal.

47:23 Caller Looking to hook up?

47:24 Caller Call the Dateline.

47:25 Guest Sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

47:26 Caller Call the Dateline.

47:27 Caller One call is all you need to make.

47:29 Caller Call the Dateline.

47:30 Caller 1-877-889-DATE.

47:34 Guest You know what I'm saying, I'm dead!

47:41 Caller NFL Blitz Pro combines authentic NFL features with Blitz signature fast and furious gameplay.

48:17 Adam Coming to the studio, thank you. Jason Bateman is in the studio tonight. Will Arnett is in the studio tonight. Arrested Development. Name of their show, Sunday Night, 9.30 on Fox. Starting, premiering this Sunday. You do not want to miss this. All right, I was talking to Will during the break. I worked out a little. Will does, he's a big voiceover guy. He's got a very powerful voice, and makes a lot of money from that voice. So I'm looking to make him, pick him up a little sidewall guy, doing the hack stuff.

48:50 Guest I love it.

48:51 Adam The promotions for hack. So I wrote one out for him. Let's see how it goes.

48:55 Guest Now you promised that this is going to get to the people at hack.

48:58 Adam Oh yeah. Definitely. We can get it to them. Yes, Drew?

49:01 Caller Of course.

49:01 Adam They're probably listening.

49:03 Drew They're taping it now.

49:04 Adam We'll get them a tape.

49:05 Guest I'm only going to do this if, yeah.

49:09 Caller This week on Hack, to catch an international jewel thief, Hack is going to have to become a rapist.

49:22 Adam That's strong. I see each week it's something else.

49:25 Drew But it's impressive each week. Just incredible.

49:27 Adam Yeah. It always ends with rapist, but yeah.

49:29 Guest I'd like it if you became like the head writer on Hack, and then they kept throwing their hands up and they're like, why every week does Hack become a rapist?

49:38 Drew It's comedy.

49:40 Adam Listen, anyone who read Hack the Book and saw Hack the Plane knows.

49:44 Drew They're expecting this.

49:45 Adam We're staying true to the material.

49:46 Drew They're expecting it.

49:48 Adam Yeah. That's right. You try to bust an international jewel thief as an international jewel thief.

49:54 Guest You don't stand a chance. You're going to have a tough time spinning this off as a kid's Saturday morning cartoon though.

49:59 Adam No, I think.

50:00 Guest This week on Hack, he's going to have to become a rapist.

50:06 Adam This is good times. Where are we, Drew? Up here? Let's talk to Alex. Alex, what's happening?

50:14 Guest Okay. Well, my question was, like, if you were to go to a junior college that is in Canada, would that make it like a junior, junior college?

50:23 Adam Because Canada is a junior country.

50:26 Guest You're a pardon.

50:26 Drew But the educational system could be superior up there.

50:30 Guest Well, it would have to be.

50:32 Drew They may not screw around with things like junior colleges.

50:35 Adam Do they have junior college in Canada?

50:40 Guest In Quebec, they have Marienopolis, which is between high school and college. Really? The French, they do things. It's all Napoleon code and stuff.

50:48 Adam I could get into that.

50:49 Drew But is it a staging for college?

50:52 Guest Well, you know what they actually have?

50:53 Caller Baccalaureates and all that stuff?

50:54 Guest Yeah, it's like a staging area for college. They do have grade 13 in Ontario.

50:59 Drew Oh, really?

51:00 Guest Which is also like the equivalent of first year college.

51:03 Adam I think I was in that in the 12th grade. I like when they say grade in front of instead of after.

51:10 Guest Okay, and Adam, I also wanted to appeal to the junior college court because I'm 15 and I hated high school. So I went and I got myself accepted to a junior college because I couldn't afford to go to the university obviously at my age because I can't work.

51:27 Adam Here's, by the way, the protocol for being accepted to a junior college is you showing up and going, I'm here, that's how you get in. You get in, you're accepted to a junior college by actually arriving at a junior college.

51:40 Guest It was actually really hard because they're like, well, you're 15, we don't like you. I'm like, right.

51:46 Drew How did you do there?

51:47 Guest How am I doing? Oh, I have a 3.8 right now.

51:51 Adam Yeah, that's nice. But out of Canada, it's out of 10 in Canada.

51:56 Drew Out of 10?

51:57 Guest Like, it's 8 out of 10 maybe?

51:59 Adam You're not going to school in Canada, right? You're going out in the United States?

52:04 Guest I'm in Washington.

52:06 Drew State of Washington?

52:07 Guest Yeah.

52:07 Adam Oh, really? And you just what? You didn't like high school?

52:10 Guest Well, high school is really blue. I don't know. People there suck.

52:15 Adam Really?

52:15 Drew How are they at junior college? How are the people at junior college?

52:19 Guest They don't talk. They sit in the classroom and they learn. It's really nice.

52:24 Drew It's nice.

52:25 Adam Aren't your parents kind of freaked out? I mean.

52:27 Guest My parents are like, yeah, our daughter ran away to college, but I still went home.

52:32 Adam Don't you just start a date who's ever at your school when you're 15?

52:36 Drew Something happened at school?

52:38 Adam Yeah. What happened?

52:39 Guest Well, there was this girl and she started spreading crap around me, crap about me around the school.

52:45 Drew Like what?

52:46 Guest Like telling people I was a lesbian and stuff.

52:48 Drew Are you?

52:49 Guest No. Oh my God, no.

52:51 Adam Really? And that's all it took?

52:53 Drew That chased you out of high school?

52:55 Guest Well, that and it's like, you can't sit and learn in a class without like...

53:00 Drew You're a lesbian.

53:01 Guest No.

53:02 Drew Without what? Without what?

53:03 Guest Without like, without like the teacher having to stop and discipline some idiot for like, you know, doing stuff that Adam probably did.

53:13 Adam Oh, I dare you. By the way, I called every guy a new fag and it never, it never drove them out of the school.

53:20 Guest Yeah, but he was like putting posters up around the school about me.

53:24 Drew Why? What did you do to her? Anything?

53:26 Guest Nothing. I don't know.

53:27 Guest It's like her.

53:28 Drew And wouldn't the school kind of come to your aid in this? Yeah.

53:31 Guest I mean, I went and I talked to like my counselor and the vice principal and everything and they're like, yeah, well, we can't do anything unless we catch her in the act.

53:39 Drew Oh my God.

53:40 Guest What about the posters? That's in the act.

53:42 Guest I know. And I like, I brought them the posters like, look, look what she did. And they're like, yes, but it doesn't say her name anywhere on these posters.

53:50 Guest Maybe this girl's got a crush on you.

53:52 Drew Did you have to leave your friends behind? Were there relationships that were sort of?

53:55 Guest Oh, no, it was a completely different separate. It was a separate group of friends.

53:59 Guest Were they like laminated?

54:01 Drew They weren't life partners the way Adam's friends have been. Have proved themselves to be.

54:08 Guest You call people life partners now instead of fag?

54:11 Drew Yeah. No, Adam has a couple of life partners.

54:13 Adam Yeah, I do.

54:14 Drew And you've always called them fag.

54:16 Adam Yeah. That's fine. Yeah. I know. Sometimes I bust out the n-word.

54:21 Drew Is it your life partners?

54:23 Adam Yeah. That's good. All right, Alex.

54:25 Drew Yes.

54:26 Adam Yeah, have fun in JC there.

54:29 Caller Oh, yeah.

54:30 Adam That's junior college.

54:30 Drew Well, it's fine. You're going to go to university soon?

54:33 Caller Yeah.

54:34 Guest Well, when I graduate, I will.

54:36 Adam But stop being such a snob, by the way.

54:38 Guest Oh, I can't help it. I'm British.

54:40 Adam All right. You're British. Listen, Alex is a little snobby. People don't like her because they shouldn't like her. She's very gregarious and everything, but I'm sure she's snobby and a pain in the ass.

54:52 Guest Wait, so, are you still there?

54:54 Drew Go to school in the East where everybody's snobby about their education.

54:57 Guest What temperature is it there these days? Like, right now?

55:00 Adam Right now, it's probably 72.

55:01 Drew It's cooling off.

55:03 Adam Yeah. All right, there. Good times. All right.

55:06 Drew She's lovely. People are sort of casually snobby about their education in the East.

55:12 Guest Oh, without question.

55:13 Drew Yeah, it's not a, not the way, way more so.

55:16 Adam What do you mean, snobby about their education?

55:18 Drew They, you know, make notes and they, you know.

55:20 Guest I get really snobby with Bateman about it. If he says something, you know, say, yeah, take it easy, West Coast.

55:25 Adam Why, did you go to school in the East Coast?

55:28 Guest I dropped out of college in Canada.

55:30 Adam You didn't go to voiceover academy or anything?

55:31 Guest No, I did. I did do that. Yeah, of course. Victoria College. You have to. Concordia University, Montreal.

55:37 Adam Montreal. Megan?

55:40 Guest Yeah?

55:40 Adam You're 20?

55:41 Guest Yep.

55:42 Adam What's up?

55:43 Guest First of all, I want to say I love you, Adam and Drew, so much. Drew, your book was amazing. It helped me out a lot.

55:49 Drew Thank you, Megan.

55:50 Guest And my question is, I feel like I can only have sex when I'm drunk. I've had like eight one-night stands, and that's like my whole sexual history. And yeah, I don't know. I had really bad depression in high school. I have generalized anxiety disorder with social phobia, ADHD, and avoidance personality disorder.

56:16 Adam What's that one?

56:17 Drew I don't know.

56:18 I get to avoid stuff.

56:20 Drew It's unable to, you know, unable to manage, you know, to hang with things.

56:26 Guest Like run away from my problems.

56:27 Drew I mean, really just, but unable to be around.

56:30 Guest And I kind of have a little problem with drinking, too, but...

56:34 Drew Yeah. I'm hearing that.

56:36 Adam Oh, is she drunk now?

56:37 Drew Yeah, right now.

56:37 Adam I don't run from my problems. I face them, head up, and I actually move toward them, but then I give a little, like, shake and bake move and slip around them. Right. And keep going. And then it's to the problem end zone.

56:48 Drew That's, that's, that's, that's gonna manage your problems, not avoid them.

56:51 Adam Yeah.

56:52 Drew Yeah.

56:53 Adam Megan, you're drinking now?

56:55 Guest No. I'm just, like, really nervous.

56:57 Adam What's your, what's your drink? You're calling from Minnesota. You schnapps girl?

57:01 Guest Oh, Miller Highlight Light.

57:03 Adam Oh, really? Uh-huh.

57:05 Drew Mams.

57:05 Yeah.

57:07 Adam And you're living at home?

57:09 Guest No, I'm at college right now.

57:11 Adam Oh. All right.

57:12 Drew So do you have friends? Do you have relationships? You had a boyfriend?

57:15 Guest No, I've never really had a boyfriend before. I guess I've never really been friends with guys, I guess.

57:21 Drew If, all right, let's just sort of look at it this way. If you could sort of manufacture, just sort of paint the picture of a kind of interaction you like to have with a guy, other than what you've been doing, which is getting loaded and having sex, what would that look like?

57:34 Guest I would just like, I don't know, like, my biggest fear is like I'll never get married or find anybody.

57:38 Drew Forget the fear. Just tell me, forget the, yeah, yeah, yeah, forget the fear. What would an ideal sort of interaction be like? If you could sort of paint it.

57:45 Guest I would just like, I don't know, being able to like talk to a guy and like being able to like act like myself that I can with my friend.

57:51 Drew All right, so you want a guy, this is always the answer, gentlemen, and it's one that guys cannot get, it's like nonsensical to us. Women will generally say they want a guy to sit down and talk to them. And if they actually do, they do pet scans on women. You know, men, our brains light up in a certain way. We're looking at pictures of nude women. Their brains light up in a similar way when they're having conversation. And so their thing is, I just want a guy to sit down and talk to me. And so, Megan, why don't you kind of work on that? Finding people that can kind of sit down and just spend time with you and listen to you and be with you and that actually be a healthier alternative to you to what you're doing. And to find what? What?

58:25 Guest Like I really only hang out with like my four roommates. Like other than that if I hang out with anybody else I feel like I have to be drunk.

58:33 Drew I understand that. But if you can find a way, if you can't then you got to go to therapy. But if you can, you got to find a way to find people that will just sit and listen to you, just chat with you.

58:42 Adam Yeah, well what about your roommates? Don't they have friends?

58:45 Guest Yeah.

58:45 Adam Alright, they come around, right?

58:48 Guest Yeah, they do.

58:49 Adam You can't hang out with them?

58:50 Guest Yeah, well then, I'm usually high.

58:53 Adam You're usually high?

58:54 Guest How old's Megan? Megan, how old is 20? How long have you been drinking?

58:59 Guest Well, like, I started drinking when I was 16, but it really didn't get bad until I started going to college.

59:05 Drew The alternative is to go to AA, get a sponsor and start working a program. That is your alternative.

59:10 Guest I did try that, but I don't know.

59:12 Drew Well, when you're avoidant, it's hard to get in and do what you need to.

59:15 Guest Yeah, and I've been in detox twice.

59:19 Adam What's the matter? Were you traumatized growing up?

59:22 Guest No, like, I seriously don't know what's wrong with me because nothing bad happened to me when I was younger or anything.

59:28 Adam Maybe she needs to be on some medication.

59:30 Guest I am.

59:30 Adam Oh, you are?

59:31 Guest Yeah, I'm on Elisavid, Depakote, Welbutrin, Adderall and Trazodone.

59:39 Drew Well, I am, so you have bipolar.

59:42 Adam Next time, just tell us what you're not taking.

59:45 Drew I'm not an Adderall fan for people with alcoholism. You should be aware that that does tend to confound things.

59:50 Guest Well, to be honest, the only one that take her Trazodone and Adderall.

59:53 Drew Yeah, and drop the ADHD diagnosis. That'll just confuse you. All alcoholics have ADHD.

59:58 Adam They do?

59:59 Drew Yeah.

1:00:00 Guest A lot of those drugs are like mood lifters, essentially.

1:00:03 Drew No, they're mood stabilizers, so she's bipolar.

1:00:05 Guest So when you mix those with alcoholics.

1:00:07 Drew Just, you know, makes things worse. It's not a good color.

1:00:10 Guest Blackout.

1:00:10 Drew She's not even taking her mood stabilizers, though, she said.

1:00:13 Adam But what about, I know this is, I don't know, Pollyanna-ish or something or old fashioned. But if you have that constant mantra of, I can't get along with people, I freak out in social situations, I have to drink to be around new people. Aren't you just going to, is that going to become your life?

1:00:29 Drew Yeah, that's my point. You either can mobilize, you know, rally.

1:00:34 Adam Yeah.

1:00:34 Drew Or you can. And if you can't, then you got to get some real help.

1:00:37 Adam What do you got here, Drew?

1:00:39 Drew I'm sorry. You got a call.

1:00:42 Adam What about this one? It says anal sex.

1:00:43 Drew Okay, you can take that.

1:00:45 Adam See, there's certain words that jump out at me.

1:00:47 Drew I thought you didn't read.

1:00:48 Adam Adam's great. Now, I know one might, I see my name and then I see anal sex. The only two words I see. I guess it's three. Kimberly? Once in a while I see them in the same sentence and I dive on that one. Kimberly, what's up? You're 18?

1:01:03 Yeah. Oh my God. I can't believe I'm on with you guys. I love you, you're so funny. Dr. Drew is extremely sexy. I've been waiting for years to say that since I've been listening to you guys. My question is, I had anal with my boyfriend and he came inside me and I was like all wet because I guess I had my own fluids going and then his and so I couldn't tell the difference in the end. I was wondering if there's any way that I could actually get pregnant from anal sex.

1:01:37 Drew So the stew of vaginal anal and semen.

1:01:41 Adam What fluids were you cooking up in that?

1:01:44 Guest Fart out the baby?

1:01:45 Drew No, no, she means she had a sheer vaginal secretions were kind of sticking in.

1:01:49 Adam Oh, they were? What position were you in? Did you have the fan on?

1:01:54 No, I was on top of him.

1:01:55 Adam Oh, on top? Oh, really? See, to me that's, you're racing with the devil when you do that on top anal thing. You're, you're asking for trouble. It's, you really are.

1:02:10 Why? Because I can get pregnant or?

1:02:13 Adam No, no, not so much for you. Uh, more, this is more of, I'm very lap conscious. Uh, I, I worry about my lap a lot. A lot of people, it's their face. Other people, they have problems with their teeth. I mean, I worry about my lap. Uh, aren't, like, behind, shouldn't a guy be behind you when he's doing the anal?

1:02:34 Well, we were trying different kinds of positions.

1:02:37 Drew Progressive, progressive. You're uptight, man. Relax.

1:02:42 Guest Alright.

1:02:42 Drew You're accusing me of being uptight.

1:02:44 Guest Europe, that's very European to do it like that.

1:02:48 Adam To me, it just would feel, it'd be like you got in an accident on your, uh, in your 10-speed and landed on a kickstand. That's what that sensation would feel like to me. Like, uh, call me old-fashioned, but I just want to be bent over something and corn-hauled. You know what I mean? I mean, I'm... That's me, though. That's... That's the way I came up. That's, you know, my parents... We're sort of old-school that way. My grandfather was a...

1:03:15 Guest Old-fashioned anal.

1:03:16 Adam Yeah. My grandfather was an ankle grabber. His, uh, my father, you know, his father before him.

1:03:22 Guest Do you remember when your dad sat you down and talked to you about anal for the first time?

1:03:26 Adam He sat me down when he spoke to me from between his legs. Just to really drive home that point.

1:03:34 Guest She's got the seat post.

1:03:37 Adam Yeah, she got the seat post, right. That's what it is. Alright, and, uh, and so, so his...

1:03:44 Drew Yes, you could get pregnant. It's possible, right? I mean, there's fluids mixin and, uh, unlikely, unlikely, and, uh...

1:03:51 Adam Wait a minute.

1:03:52 Drew That child was meant to be, if that happens. Right, Adam? What'd you say?

1:03:57 Adam Gravity... What?

1:03:58 Drew I'm just saying it's a possibility, of course, when all those fluids are mixing. However, gravity's kind of working against it, isn't it? It's one of the geniuses of what Kimberly's devised here, is that gravity is gonna go her way.

1:04:08 Adam Mm-hmm.

1:04:09 Drew You see? Things are not gonna go down and then back up.

1:04:12 Adam Yeah, but...

1:04:12 Drew So am I.

1:04:12 Adam But here's my argument to that, which is sometimes, like in your car, you're leaking tranny fluid.

1:04:19 Drew We're talking about... we've gone from anal to transition fluid.

1:04:23 Adam I'm saying... and it's coming... the actual part, it's dripping off your car is way back by the differential, but that doesn't mean that it hasn't followed the contour of the trough shaft and the tranny and just come off there.

1:04:34 Drew And that's just a pure liquid sort of physics.

1:04:38 Adam Right.

1:04:38 Drew You got sperm swimming.

1:04:40 Adam Yeah, sperm's...

1:04:41 Drew They're going to Mecca. They're on their way, right?

1:04:43 Adam I don't know how they move in a swamp, though. You know what I'm saying?

1:04:47 Drew There might be enough...

1:04:48 Adam You introduce fecal matter and I think you got what you call a Mexican standoff. There. It's the fecal matter versus the sperm. That's a battle. There. Usually they just, you know, they just got to make it through a couple of pubes and...

1:05:02 Guest It could be a hack episode, Will.

1:05:06 Adam Well, but did he say that after he did the the rectal stuff he went into the vagina?

1:05:12 Drew No, no, no. She didn't say that.

1:05:13 Adam All right.

1:05:15 Guest So she's just sitting there on top of everything.

1:05:17 Adam She should be. She should.

1:05:18 Drew Yeah, just fighting old business. That's good times.

1:05:22 Adam All right. Oh, wait a minute. Where is she? On line six? Yeah.

1:05:27 Drew We're...

1:05:27 Adam Kimberly.

1:05:28 Drew Is that the right name for this call?

1:05:30 Adam No, I'm going to start calling you Kim. Yeah.

1:05:35 Drew Kimbo.

1:05:35 Adam Yeah, we've decided that you're probably not pregnant.

1:05:40 Guest And you should look at your transmission.

1:05:41 Drew However, given that you're not using contraceptives, is that correct?

1:05:45 Yeah, I'm not. I didn't use any kind.

1:05:47 Drew And God knows if he has an STD, you've sort of found the optimum way to transmit it. He's offering you whatever he's got. You should be using a condom. And if you're not, keep that morning after pill handy. Just in case you have a question like this and you want to be extra sure, take the morning after pill. You can get it at planned parenthood. You can call 1-888-NOT-TOO-LATE. Number 2-LATE. 1-888-NOT-TOO-LATE. And they can tell you where a pharmacy is and we can get it without a prescription.

1:06:16 Adam And just tell them you need the pill. You don't have to get in all the pills.

1:06:18 Drew And by the way, you should get a pill anyway. That's right.

1:06:20 Caller Can I ask one last question?

1:06:22 Is there something wrong with me if I don't want to have, like, regular sex?

1:06:27 Adam You just, you want the anal sex only?

1:06:30 Drew Are you, man, tonight we've just gotten crazy in this conversation. Are you multiply orgasmic?

1:06:37 Caller Um, yes.

1:06:39 It's like sometimes I orgasm really hard. I don't know if I've ever had multiple ones.

1:06:45 Adam Hard? You mean you make a lot of noise?

1:06:47 No, a lot of it comes out, a lot of cum, and like it's a good long cum.

1:06:53 Adam It's a good long one?

1:06:54 Yeah.

1:06:55 Adam Jesus Christ. We'd have to do it in a monkey cage, me and you, because you'd never get the cleaning deposit back in the apartment. Like, listen, we'll do it wherever there's a floor drain and a hose bib.

1:07:10 Guest That's where we got it.

1:07:11 Adam She's one of those sheets you put on the garage floor to collect the tranny floor.

1:07:15 Drew And you do that during anal sex?

1:07:17 Okay, no, no. I just get excited during anal. Like, I get all wet, but I never have orgasms.

1:07:24 Adam We keep a lot of kitty litter on hand and just enjoy yourself.

1:07:29 So nothing is wrong with me because I don't want to have regular?

1:07:34 Adam Is there anything we need to know?

1:07:36 Drew Are you sexually abused or anything?

1:07:39 I guess.

1:07:40 Like, I used to have a family member who, like, totally used to tell me that, like, if you ever had sex before you were married, like, you were a big whore.

1:07:49 Drew That's just more emotional kind of abuse.

1:07:51 Adam Was that your dad or your mom?

1:07:53 No, it's just my mom's sister.

1:07:56 Adam Mom's sister, really?

1:07:57 Drew Isn't that interesting? Look how that's turned out. Thanks, Auntie.

1:08:02 Adam Yeah, nice work. Now, she's the cornhole queen.

1:08:05 Guest Does that constitute abuse?

1:08:07 Adam Yeah.

1:08:08 Drew It's abusive, yeah.

1:08:09 Adam That's a little... Eh, it's weird.

1:08:10 Drew It's not overt abuse. It's not what we call wholesale abuse. No, it's not something that we'd worry about causing her any real problems.

1:08:17 Guest I just remember guys talking about girls who would not let them have sex when they were like teenagers, not let them have sex vaginally, but because they were proper, but would let them have anal sex. Really? Yeah.

1:08:28 Drew Yeah, we decided that there should be sort of a series of planes.

1:08:31 Adam Yeah, you break the plane.

1:08:33 Guest Yeah.

1:08:33 Drew No planes broken. The okay sign, don't break that plane.

1:08:36 Adam Yeah, whatever.

1:08:36 Drew This plane.

1:08:38 Adam True sound point to his tramp, by the way. Melissa?

1:08:43 Yeah?

1:08:44 Adam You're 18?

1:08:45 Caller Yeah.

1:08:46 Adam You had sex four months ago?

1:08:48 Caller Well, I have been since then.

1:08:50 Adam Okay, you've been having sex for four months? All right.

1:08:54 Caller And I've never had an orgasm ever.

1:08:56 Drew That would be normal for an 18-year-old.

1:08:59 Adam But what about oral sex?

1:09:01 Drew Well, yeah, we've had, I mean, yeah.

1:09:03 Caller And I've never had an orgasm either.

1:09:06 Drew Still not unusual for an 18-year-old. Female.

1:09:09 Adam Right.

1:09:10 Caller Sort of normal for her.

1:09:11 Adam Do you enjoy sex?

1:09:12 Caller Yeah.

1:09:13 Caller I just don't ever feel like I'm like building up or anything like that.

1:09:16 Drew Are you on any medication? Well, this is, this will, are you in love with your boyfriend?

1:09:22 Caller Yeah.

1:09:24 Drew It will probably take care of itself, but 18 is a tough age to sort of hit the ground running as a female. I think things are not quite hooked up at that age yet. For many women, for many women. Some can have orgasm during oral sex, very few during intercourse, but most have trouble orgasm.

1:09:40 Adam How old's your boyfriend?

1:09:42 He's 19.

1:09:43 Adam Do you think he does a good job with the oral sex?

1:09:46 Yeah.

1:09:46 Drew You do?

1:09:47 Yeah. Like, I mean, it feels good, you know, like it just doesn't really.

1:09:52 Caller Like, go anywhere, you know?

1:09:54 Adam Drew, tell me if this is a grandiose thought, but, you know, we talk to these 18 year olds all night. It can't have the O with the oral. I think I could give them one.

1:10:01 Drew All of them? Each one?

1:10:02 Adam No, but I think I could probably hit about 65, 70 percent of them.

1:10:06 Drew Grandiose.

1:10:07 Adam It is?

1:10:07 Drew 30 percent.

1:10:08 Adam Really?

1:10:09 Drew Because I think that puts 50 percent of the blame on the men.

1:10:12 Adam I'm putting more of that on the men. I think I could do it, because I think they get these guys that, you know, they got the bad teenage mustache.

1:10:20 Drew They may not understand the commitment involved.

1:10:21 Adam Overbite and it's like they don't know how to take the retainer out and stuff.

1:10:24 Drew A lot of them don't understand the anatomy.

1:10:26 Caller They don't know the anatomy.

1:10:27 Drew It's basic.

1:10:28 Guest Doesn't it have a lot to do with the girl, too? I mean, isn't a lot of it sort of psychosomatic? I mean, if they're not really relaxed or comfortable with the process. But again, that's part of my thing, though.

1:10:38 Like here's your wine cooler.

1:10:40 Guest And a little berry white.

1:10:42 Caller And let's get it started weatherproofing.

1:10:44 Drew But however, think how different that biology is than a male's.

1:10:47 Guest Yeah.

1:10:47 Drew Male's is whatever, grandpa, you know, funerals, whatever, it doesn't matter. No.

1:10:51 Adam But Drew, don't you think you could pull that off?

1:10:54 Caller You know what I mean?

1:10:55 Drew 80 percent, yeah.

1:10:56 Adam Plus you play the Dr. Drew card. This same mouth you've been hearing on the radio.

1:11:02 Guest It's the headlamp he puts on right before.

1:11:06 Caller Lord have mercy.

1:11:07 Drew Let's go to break.

1:11:08 Adam Let's take ourselves a little break. Jason Will here from Arrested Development this Sunday, 9.30 on Fox, we'll be right back.

1:11:20 Caller This is Loveline, 1-800-LOVE-1-91.

1:11:25 Caller Loveline is brought to you by Trojan, America's most trusted condom for over 80 years.

1:11:41 Adam Hey, everybody, it's the Loveline. That's Dr. Drew. Thursday night, All American Rejects are going to be back in the studio. Jason Bateman, Will Arnett in here tonight. Arrested Development, name of the show. Fox, 9.30 this Sunday. Big premiere. I'd like to play some Germany or Florida.

1:11:58 Drew We had a couple. We had a question up there and then they disappeared. So yeah, Germany or Florida.

1:12:02 Adam Again, this is a game that was conceived in the writers' lunch at Jimmy Kimmel Live, and we're just stealing it for this show. But you find a crazy story that either came from Germany or Florida, and they all do, and then we guess Germany or Florida.

1:12:21 Drew We've been nine out of 10 basically.

1:12:22 Adam Yeah.

1:12:23 This is going to sweep the nation.

1:12:24 Drew We'd be 10 out of 10 if I had talked to you.

1:12:26 Adam Drew talked me out of one of my Germanys.

1:12:28 Drew What happened there?

1:12:28 Adam I want to talk to the guy with the mangled penis. Chris?

1:12:34 Yeah.

1:12:35 Adam You're 18?

1:12:36 Caller Yeah, I'm 18.

1:12:38 Adam Penis is mangled?

1:12:40 Caller It's not exactly mangled, but I've just been noticing it more ever since, you know, I've been having sex with my girlfriend. And when I went to go get STD checked, when they put the Q-tip thing inside me, it kind of bent and it hurt really bad when it went through the side. And I don't really know what you do about something like that.

1:13:03 Adam Oh, bogus.

1:13:04 Caller It's not bogus. I'm serious.

1:13:06 Adam Well, you say, what do you do about something like that? That's bogus. You're bogus, kid.

1:13:11 Caller I'm not bogus. I'm serious.

1:13:13 Adam Save your boguosity for the next jack who just fell off the cabbage truck.

1:13:18 Caller No, seriously.

1:13:19 Drew Listen, Chris.

1:13:20 Adam What do you mean, what do you do?

1:13:21 Drew Yeah, what do you mean, what do you do?

1:13:22 Caller Okay, what happened was a serious cancer.

1:13:24 Drew Do you think for other people it doesn't hurt when somebody shoves a Q-tip up their penis?

1:13:28 Caller No, well, not as bad as it hurts me. From what I've heard, it doesn't hurt as bad.

1:13:34 Drew So a lot of guys, it hurts a lot.

1:13:36 Adam Yeah.

1:13:37 Drew It has nothing to do with your mangling.

1:13:40 Adam And until you've whacked a mile on someone else's penis.

1:13:43 Drew What's that?

1:13:45 Caller All right, when it goes through, and since my penis is bent, it feels like it's coming out of the side that it should be just going straight.

1:13:54 Drew Well, there might be some kind of stenosis.

1:13:56 Adam How far in they got to get that thing, Drew?

1:13:58 Drew Not that far usually, but maybe there's some kind of narrowing here. Well, again, Chris, it normally hurts, and some guys it hurts a lot.

1:14:05 Adam All right, but hold on. Your question is, is why does it hurt when someone puts it...

1:14:09 Caller No, my question is, like, is there any way of getting it straightened out? Because it is kind of embarrassing to say I have a broken penis.

1:14:16 Adam What happened to your penis?

1:14:18 Caller Well, about a year and a half ago, I used to be into the pain balling thing, and a CO2 canister blew up because it was filling correctly. When I went to the hospital, everything from like my belly button down to my knees was, you know, frozen. When we were vibing it, it was like they had to use warm water, and it was like, seriously, I thought they broke it. I could crack. It was like a hairline fracture through the, it wasn't like bone.

1:14:45 Adam Hold on, hold on a second.

1:14:47 Drew Your penis doesn't have a bone.

1:14:48 Caller I know it's not a bone, but it's broke.

1:14:51 Adam The pain, the paint ball thing was the CO2 canister was overfilled?

1:14:56 Caller Incorrectly filled, yeah. He didn't have his gauges or anything. It was just like he lifted up the canister. I paid him and walked out and it blew up like 15 minutes later.

1:15:04 Adam And it was down by your crotch?

1:15:07 Caller It was just sitting on my lap. It blew up and it was horrible.

1:15:11 Adam It does seem like, I mean look, if you can sue McDonald's for dumping some coffee on your lap.

1:15:16 Caller Dad, see they paid for all my medical bills and I was stupid and young. I could have sued the crap out of them.

1:15:22 Adam Yeah, sometimes guys who run paintball operations aren't exactly what you call deep pockets. Usually.

1:15:31 Caller Well, it was a small town and there was nowhere else to go.

1:15:33 Adam You fat cat paintballers, going back up to your ivory towers, in your Lear Jets and stretch limos. Well, the real people are down here.

1:15:42 Guest That's right.

1:15:43 Drew Chris, yes, you can break, you can fracture the penis. The cavernous body that fills with blood can fracture. And there are operations to repair it. You know, we had Dr. Altra up here, he wrote this, I don't know the book in front of me, but he had a book about various procedures that can be done.

1:15:59 Caller Oh, he can do anything.

1:16:00 Drew Yeah, you ought to be seen. This guy is a plastic surgeon and a urologist, and I guess that's really the combination you want, if you want to get something like this done.

1:16:07 Adam Well, Chris, did you take some shrapnel?

1:16:11 Caller No, I didn't take any of that. Like, the top part kind of burst off.

1:16:16 Adam It just blew off and shot the frozen, compressed air?

1:16:21 Caller It was like a liquid for like a fraction of a second, and it was just, it felt like there was ice all over me. It was horrible.

1:16:30 Guest Are you nude?

1:16:33 Caller I was just wearing a T-shirt and shorts.

1:16:36 Adam That's not the right outfit for paintballing, by the way.

1:16:39 Caller Well, I wasn't going to go in that. I was just filling it up so I could go back. I was on the way back from school or something.

1:16:45 Adam That's where most paintballing accidents occur, is on the way back from school. Yeah, it's not actually during the paintballing.

1:16:52 Guest And don't wear short shorts.

1:16:53 Adam Do you ever do any paintballing? You guys ever paintball?

1:16:57 Guest No, I have not.

1:16:58 Drew And now, by the way, I will not.

1:17:00 Guest Yeah.

1:17:00 Drew Have you heard this story?

1:17:01 Adam It's bad news.

1:17:04 Guest Really.

1:17:04 Adam I mean, you get huge, you get novelty bruises and welts. Welts. Yeah. It's fun. I mean, it's exciting.

1:17:11 Guest It's fun to go around in a mock massacre.

1:17:14 Adam Yeah.

1:17:14 Drew Not get stuff in your mouth.

1:17:15 Guest I'm not into that, really.

1:17:17 Adam Yeah.

1:17:18 Guest I don't get that.

1:17:19 Guest You just pulled some kind of like moral card on you.

1:17:21 Adam Yeah.

1:17:21 Guest Yeah, guys, that's bad behavior.

1:17:25 Adam Here's, I've done it. I did it for a guy's bachelor party once. It's a good time. It's good when you get out of, when you're out of paintballs.

1:17:31 Guest Hunting strippers.

1:17:32 Adam Hand to hand. Yeah. You know, I think that was a fake story they made up a few months ago that there were hunting strippers with paintballs. Yeah. Yeah. It's good times. It's true.

1:17:42 Drew No Florida or Germany.

1:17:44 Guest That's definitely Florida.

1:17:46 Adam Really? Amber. You're 21?

1:17:50 Caller Yes.

1:17:51 Adam What's up?

1:17:51 Caller Hi. I have a question about the relationship that I'm in right now. And I've been with this guy for a year and we have like we were just dating. We're not boyfriend and girlfriend, which has been fine with me. But the other night we had a big blow up and he told me that he doesn't think that he can ever have feelings for me. And he knows that that I'm that I love him and that I care about him. But he doesn't think that he can ever have the same feelings for me because Amber, Amber, stop.

1:18:22 Adam What about indifference? Wouldn't that be a feeling?

1:18:25 Drew What? What? No, it's a lack of feeling.

1:18:27 Adam Oh, it is.

1:18:28 Drew Why do you start out with we're not boyfriend and girlfriend. That's fine with me when it clearly is not at all fine with you.

1:18:34 Adam Yeah. And by the way, all the girls we talk to that are in a sort of maintenance type holding pattern with guys who claim it's part their decision and it's just how they want it are always full of crap.

1:18:45 Drew Full of crap. Why do you start with that? Why do you do that to yourself?

1:18:48 Adam Yeah. You're into this guy and he's not that into you.

1:18:50 Drew You're just saying you're in love with him and he is not in love with you. And if that's not okay, he's never going to be. Get out of there.

1:18:59 Caller Well, because he's only had one girlfriend before me.

1:19:02 Drew Amber, Amber, guys don't do that.

1:19:05 Adam All that stuff. First of all, if he's only had one girlfriend, he should be clinging on to you with both his geeky hands. Number one, he should be desperate for you. Number two, all these things where he's working and going to school, right?

1:19:17 Drew That's all BS.

1:19:18 Adam All reasons. Look, when you're into somebody, you're into them.

1:19:21 Guest You drop everything.

1:19:22 Adam If you can see them once a week, you see them once a week. And if you see them once a year, you see them once a year.

1:19:27 Drew And guys do not convert. You can't convert a guy.

1:19:31 Guest And the quickest way to get this guy into you is to have a very healthy level of indifference about whether he's going to be around or not.

1:19:38 Drew That's the only move. That's the only move.

1:19:40 Guest Fake it till you make it.

1:19:41 Drew That's not going to work. You got to know in your heart it's not going to work.

1:19:43 Adam Guys will not change. There's one time when a guy found out the girl's dad was Paul Anka. He saw some of that money down the road. He knew he wasn't getting any younger. And he stepped in and really made a commitment at that point. But that's very rare.

1:19:57 Guest Very rare. This girl claimed that she started by saying, I'm sorry I forgot her name, the caller's name. Amber. Amber claimed that she wanted to talk about this relationship she's in. And she's clearly not in a relationship.

1:20:10 Drew She went from, we're not boyfriend girlfriend, that's absolutely fine with me, but we had a blow up. I told him how much I'm in love with him. And he told me he could never be in love with me. Of course not. He never.

1:20:20 Adam She didn't say that.

1:20:21 Drew That's a paraphrase. Oh, well that's different. It doesn't matter. It's totally different.

1:20:26 Adam If he's into you, he's into you. And if he's not, he's not. And you have to know he's not.

1:20:30 Drew And that's it. He's not going to convert. It's not going to happen.

1:20:36 Guest You're done. If you truly walk away, honestly walk away, don't be surprised to see him right behind you.

1:20:41 Guest Yeah, but don't turn around.

1:20:42 Guest I mean don't look for it, but it could be a nice...

1:20:45 Drew It's your only move, but it's the only possible hand you can play.

1:20:48 Adam Right. And by the way, the argument of, well I've got a year invested into this. It's like you saying I have a year invested in a horrible job. It's all the more reason to get out tomorrow.

1:21:00 Guest A year invested in the Nazi party. It's still bad. Right.

1:21:02 Adam It's time to move on.

1:21:03 Guest She never actually mentioned that. But you know, like even if she does the whole thing where she walks away and says, all right, I'm not into it and she's just kind of playing it and decides that she's going to see if he comes. And if he does come, she still shouldn't turn around, go back. Because the same thing will happen.

1:21:17 Drew Same thing, exactly. He'll go back to the same thing.

1:21:20 Adam What about what about this week on Hack, where he has to infiltrate in order to infiltrate a white supremacist organization hack in order for Amber's boyfriend to come back.

1:21:33 Caller She's going to have to become a rapist.

1:21:39 Adam Always funny, Drew.

1:21:40 Drew Dustin.

1:21:41 Adam Dustin, you're 23. You have a Florida or Germany for us? I do.

1:21:47 Caller Okay, this older woman fell asleep with her TV on and in the morning when she woke up, they had that program on that they have a fake fire going or it's a program of a fire that you can keep on on your TV so it looks like you have a fireplace when you really don't.

1:22:02 Drew A fireplace, okay.

1:22:04 Caller And she woke up and she thought her TV was on fire so she called the fire department and they all came down and made a big hoopla about it and then came in and turned off her TV for her.

1:22:14 Adam All right. Let's examine this one.

1:22:16 Drew Only a very old person would do that.

1:22:19 Adam Very old person.

1:22:20 Drew Florida.

1:22:20 Guest And but I don't know if they're running that here.

1:22:24 Adam Yeah, I don't know. I've not seen that.

1:22:26 Guest It sounds like Poland.

1:22:27 Adam And also.

1:22:28 Drew I'm just playing the odds though where there are lots of old people.

1:22:32 Adam Well, yeah. Also though, the fire department immediately getting down there.

1:22:38 Drew Florida.

1:22:39 Adam No, no, that sounds more like Germany. Sounds like efficiency.

1:22:41 Guest Very efficient Germany.

1:22:42 Adam Germany.

1:22:43 Guest But there's no old people in Germany because all that whole generation, population was killed off, right?

1:22:49 Adam Logan's Run style?

1:22:51 Guest No, World War II.

1:22:52 Adam Oh, when we bombed them?

1:22:53 Guest Yeah, so there's really the only people there are only 60 years old, right?

1:22:57 Adam They got a couple of geezers in there. Yeah, I've seen a couple head. Yeah, a couple of head of geezers.

1:23:02 Drew I know that countries that have ambulances, let's do an E, R, E, R, and get through that thing.

1:23:07 Adam What are we going to go on? We're just thinking Florida, I think we're thinking Germany just because we don't know what this channel is.

1:23:13 Drew I'm going to go with you then.

1:23:14 Adam We're going to Germany? All right. Dustin? Florida or Germany?

1:23:19 Caller Germany.

1:23:21 Adam See, Drew? You can never listen to you.

1:23:24 Guest That fire show is only syndicated internationally.

1:23:27 Caller That's right.

1:23:28 Adam All right. Hey, Dustin? Thank you.

1:23:31 Caller No problem.

1:23:35 Adam Oh, break time?

1:23:35 Drew Really?

1:23:36 Adam Yeah. Let's take ourselves a little break and Drew will be urinating in where? Florida or Germany?

1:23:41 Drew Germany.

1:23:42 Adam Germany.

1:23:50 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:23:52 Caller Love Line will be right back.

1:24:16 Adam I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Will Arnett is here, Jason Bateman is here. Arrested Development, name of the new show, on Fox, this Sunday, big premiere, 9.30. I command everyone within the sound of my voice to go watch it.

1:24:32 Guest That's a wide stretch.

1:24:34 Adam Yeah, we'll be not watching it because we're gonna be here, but...

1:24:38 Guest You've got the TiVo.

1:24:39 Adam I got the TiVo.

1:24:40 Drew So we will be watching it.

1:24:41 Guest Get yourself a season pass.

1:24:43 Adam Yeah, that's what you got to do.

1:24:45 Guest And under options you keep till delete.

1:24:47 Guest I bet we're already on your wish lists, right?

1:24:50 Adam Yeah, yeah.

1:24:51 Drew Yeah, three green thumbs.

1:24:55 Adam All right, let's, oh, we got another Germany or Florida.

1:24:59 Drew It's only guys calling.

1:25:00 Adam Dare we?

1:25:00 Drew Yeah, yeah.

1:25:01 Adam All right, why not? Anthony?

1:25:04 Hello?

1:25:05 Adam You're 19?

1:25:07 Caller Yeah.

1:25:07 Adam You got a Germany or Florida for us?

1:25:10 Caller Yes, I do. Should I just go into it now?

1:25:13 Adam Sure.

1:25:14 Caller A man went into a bank and attempted to use, like, I'm not sure, like, the amount of cocaine, but, like, it wasn't over, like, a kilo as a collateral to get a loan for a car.

1:25:28 Adam I think we're all, we're all.

1:25:30 Drew We're all there.

1:25:31 Guest Sounds like the panhandle.

1:25:32 Caller Sounds like Florida.

1:25:36 Drew Anthony? Yeah.

1:25:38 Adam Yeah.

1:25:38 Caller Yeah, I didn't leave that one up good enough. Yeah, it was Florida.

1:25:44 Guest You didn't get the T-shirt.

1:25:47 Caller Like, my sister used to work at this restaurant in Sausalito called Sailor's Landing.

1:25:52 Adam Uh-huh.

1:25:52 Caller And we went in there and I don't know if I remember that or not, but you and Jimmy.

1:25:56 Adam Yeah, I do, on the wharf? Yeah, I remember her. Yeah, Jimmy and I teamed her in the hotel. Anthony.

1:26:09 Drew That's good, Adam, thank you.

1:26:11 Adam Jimmy and I used to go on these, we just go out teaming all the time. We'd just be like, you seen the Man Show? You seen the Man Show?

1:26:19 Caller You seen the Man Show?

1:26:20 Adam We'd be like, no, we get like, no, no. But eventually, we'd be like, I think I heard of it, okay. You're in, yeah. We'd tag, we'd do that, we'd like tag in and tag out.

1:26:30 Drew They'd have to become.

1:26:32 Caller They'd have to become rapists.

1:26:34 Guest Rapists.

1:26:36 Adam No, I do remember doing that. I do remember going in there with Jimmy. I think that was our second honeymoon. And I do remember talking to somebody and, you know, eating some oyster crackers and drinking some anchor steams. All right, we're at a rock here, Drew. Let's talk to Nick, who's 23. Nick?

1:26:56 Caller Yeah.

1:26:57 Adam You got a question?

1:26:59 Caller First of all, Adam, you're my hero. And Dr. Drew, you're a genius.

1:27:03 Drew Adam is your hero.

1:27:04 Guest Well, that leaves Will and me. I'm looking forward to the show, guys.

1:27:09 Caller Sounds like a rarity.

1:27:10 Guest Bless you. That's right.

1:27:13 Drew That's good, swift.

1:27:15 Guest You'll go far in the history.

1:27:16 Adam That's right. What's up there, Nick?

1:27:19 Caller All right, I got a couple masturbation questions for you. First of all.

1:27:22 Guest This is for you, obviously, Will.

1:27:25 Drew Here we go.

1:27:26 Caller First, I don't use lube when I masturbate.

1:27:30 Drew Smart.

1:27:30 Caller I was wondering if that might have any effect, like if that might cause like rashes in the future or something like that.

1:27:36 Drew Not using lubrication. No, that's fine.

1:27:38 Caller That's fine, okay. And also.

1:27:40 Guest Poison ivy would.

1:27:42 Caller My second question is, I heard somewhere, it might have been even on the show a while back, but I heard that if you masturbate in the same position all the time, it makes it harder to orgasm during intercourse.

1:27:53 Drew That's the Corolla problem. The Corolla issue.

1:27:57 Guest Adam, you do it, Corolla does it in the missionary style, right?

1:28:02 Adam Sexually, but I beat off standing on my head.

1:28:05 Drew You mentioned how you-

1:28:06 Adam It's just a disaster. One of the worst ideas I ever had. But what are you going to do? It's like you pick a major and that's it. I started when I was 15. I stand by it.

1:28:16 Guest But you actually get on your belly though and you make love to your hand, right?

1:28:20 Adam Yeah. No, no, no. I do it, I do it, I say, do it standing. Have you ever got juice up your nose, Drew?

1:28:27 Guest Uh, no.

1:28:28 Adam It's horrible.

1:28:29 Guest You gotta wear one of those swimming clamps.

1:28:32 Adam Yeah, it's really, it's like doing water ballet. But, yeah, if you, here's the thing. A lot of guys, they get used to beating off in the shower.

1:28:40 Drew Or in a certain position.

1:28:41 Adam They're standing up or they're laying down with their feet out in front of them and their toes pointed and they're locked down, whatever. And the next thing you know, they're on top of a woman and their penis is confused. It's like they're nuts at vertigo now. They're not used to being in the position that they're in, the sac gyroscope is thrown way off by this. And if you beat off, like if you start beating off at 13 and you don't get your first girlfriend until like 19, you'll have had several million jack sessions and now you're in a totally different position. That's why I move it up, I shake it up. I do it standing, I do it on the run sometimes. Car wheels in the car.

1:29:21 Guest Yeah.

1:29:23 Adam Nick?

1:29:23 Guest Yeah.

1:29:24 Adam You have a girlfriend?

1:29:26 Caller I don't right now.

1:29:27 Adam You don't, right now.

1:29:29 Guest There you go, the masturbation frequencies.

1:29:31 Drew 23.

1:29:32 Caller Yeah, actually like once a day I try.

1:29:33 Drew You in school now?

1:29:35 Caller No, actually I work full time.

1:29:37 Drew What kind of work do you do?

1:29:41 Caller Like accounting type stuff.

1:29:43 Drew Accounting. I work for a bookkeeping.

1:29:46 Adam Are you Vietnamese?

1:29:47 Caller No, I'm not.

1:29:48 Adam What's your nationality?

1:29:49 Caller I'm Caucasian white.

1:29:51 Adam Really?

1:29:52 Drew You have an accent.

1:29:54 Adam Sound like something.

1:29:55 Drew A little bit of an accent.

1:29:57 Caller I'm regular Caucasian.

1:30:00 Drew I'm just finding meter.

1:30:01 Adam All right. Well, good Jack and good times. You find yourself a girl, right?

1:30:06 Caller What's that?

1:30:07 Adam Okay. Let's keep it moving. Drew, you want to sock the mic? I got it. We do one each hour now.

1:30:15 Drew Yeah.

1:30:15 Adam The one at 10 o'clock hour and then we do the other one.

1:30:17 Drew I almost missed the one this hour.

1:30:18 Adam Yeah, it's close. Emily? We'll probably have to discuss you punching the mic before. It's the first time we talk about it. Emily?

1:30:26 Caller Yes.

1:30:27 Adam You're 23.

1:30:28 Caller Yes.

1:30:28 Adam What's up?

1:30:29 Caller Nothing.

1:30:30 Adam All right.

1:30:32 Caller Next caller.

1:30:32 Adam Next caller.

1:30:36 Drew All right. All right.

1:30:37 Adam That's it for you. Are you high? What's up with you? Woody, are you angry? What happened? Who screwed you over? Your dad? Where's your dad?

1:30:47 Inside.

1:30:49 Adam You?

1:30:49 Drew Inside.

1:30:50 Guest Are you on the porch?

1:30:52 Adam Inside a prison? Where is he?

1:30:54 No, inside my parents' house right now.

1:30:56 Adam All right.

1:30:58 Drew Which she returned to after 14 years of absence.

1:31:01 Adam That's not your stepdad that's in there? That's your real dad?

1:31:04 That's my real dad, yes.

1:31:05 Adam All right. Never beat on you or verbally abused you?

1:31:09 No. No. It has decided to take my ex-husband's side.

1:31:17 Caller Oh. Oh.

1:31:19 Guest You guys are good. You guys are really good.

1:31:22 Adam Took your ex-husband's side with what? You guys divorced?

1:31:25 Caller Yeah.

1:31:26 We're divorced.

1:31:27 Drew Mm-hmm. And why?

1:31:30 He takes his side over everything that I...

1:31:32 Drew About? Like what? Give us an example. That you should be paying for child support?

1:31:40 No. He thinks that I don't deserve child support.

1:31:43 Adam You're... You're dad?

1:31:44 Mm-hmm.

1:31:45 Adam All right. Well, what... Well, what do you want? And listen, I... You're obviously a pain in the ass. And you're angry. It's abundantly clear.

1:31:56 Drew It's two seconds it comes across.

1:31:58 Adam All right. I blame your dad for that, by the way, and possibly your mom. Whatever it is you freaked out. Oh, your mom? What kind of shape is your mom in?

1:32:07 She's fine.

1:32:08 Adam All right. So what's the question tonight?

1:32:11 I left a note on a car, a guy's car and to let him know my feelings and it's been four days now and I want to know what that means.

1:32:22 Drew Well, who is this guy?

1:32:24 A guy that I like. I'm in love with.

1:32:28 Adam Do you work with the guy or do you go to school with him or something?

1:32:31 No, he lives right next to where my parents work.

1:32:35 Drew Does he know you exist?

1:32:36 Uh-huh.

1:32:36 Drew Do you have a relationship with him?

1:32:38 Uh-huh.

1:32:39 Drew What's the nature of that relationship?

1:32:42 Um, so far, sex.

1:32:45 Drew You've been having sex with the guy regularly?

1:32:46 Uh-huh.

1:32:47 Adam And you had to leave a note on his...

1:32:49 Drew No, and she now poured out her heart saying that she's in love with him, all that stuff, and now he's like freaked out. Not exactly.

1:32:54 Not exactly. I just told him how I felt. In the beginning, I told him I didn't want a relationship when I really did.

1:33:01 Drew Yeah, well, why do you do that? Why do women do that? That's just so silly.

1:33:05 Guest Because of my ex-husband.

1:33:07 Adam No, you do it because you know he doesn't have feelings for you. And you don't want to get hurt, but you want to be near him anyway.

1:33:15 Guest Does he know the ex-husband?

1:33:16 Drew The guys do not eventually develop feelings. They don't.

1:33:20 Adam Right.

1:33:20 Drew They either have them at the beginning or they don't. If they don't, they aren't going to get them.

1:33:24 Adam Alright, so here's the thing, Emily. You have a kid, right?

1:33:26 Caller Uh-huh.

1:33:27 Adam And you're going through a new divorce in year 23?

1:33:32 Caller Actually, it's been three and a half years now.

1:33:34 Adam Oh, really? And you're not living at home? You're living away from home?

1:33:39 Caller No, I live with my parents, unfortunately.

1:33:41 Adam Oh, you do? Alright, so here's the thing. You just don't sound like you're in great shape to be in a relationship right now. And you're probably dumping whatever feelings you have, whatever anger you have, whatever emotions you have, into a guy's lap. And guys feel it when you're showing up with a whole hamper full of dirty clothes. And we get a little freaked out and we'll bone you, but we don't want to deal with the hamper. And we gotta feel like that hamper's been lightened just a little bit. And you're freaking the guy out. Then you went for the bum rush with the note on the car. Just focus on the kid, get yourself a little better, get out of the house, stop being so angry, and then look for a relationship. Alright, so now we're gonna happen. We'll be right back.

1:34:20 Caller Here it is. Bottom line, it sucks being single today.

1:34:23 Guest Tons of lame people and no decent prospects.

1:34:26 Caller Call the Dateline.

1:34:27 Guest Call the Dateline.

1:34:28 Caller 1-877-889-DATE.

1:34:33 Caller Loveline will be right back.

1:34:35 Caller So get your problems ready. Ready.

1:35:06 Adam All right, wait a minute, we have to have, we'll read a quick This Week on Hack before we go.

1:35:11 Caller This Week on Hack. To catch a terrorist, Hack will have to become a rapist.

1:35:20 Adam Always funny, always funny. Arrested Development, everybody. Sunday nights, 9.30, right after Hack on Fox. Guys, fantastic. Come back anytime.

1:35:32 Guest Well, it was fun, thank you.

1:35:33 Guest Yeah, it was great, man.

1:35:34 Adam And until next time, it's Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying, Mahalo.

1:35:38 Caller In order to reach these kids, Hack will have to become a rapist. This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors or this station. The producer for Loveline is Annie Gold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Tuesday, October 28, 2003