Episode 1000570508293

0:52 Loveline is meant for an adult audio list.

0:55 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually oriented content. Listener discretion is advised.

1:00 Voiceover Loveline with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

1:04 Adam I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-L-V-E-1-9-1. Dr. Drew, board certified physician, Dixie Medical Specialist. Andy Dick, our guest tonight.

1:14 Good evening.

1:15 Adam Good old Andy Dick. Back on the show. It says here Andy hasn't been on the show since April 2001. 2001.

1:21 Good evening.

1:22 Adam Is it possible that it's been more than two years since he's been here?

1:26 Good evening.

1:28 Andy Dick in the hizzy.

1:30 Drew Who's that?

1:31 Adam Sounded like me. I find that very hard to believe.

1:35 Good evening.

1:36 Drew Really he's not been on since April 01?

1:37 It's a long time. I've been busy making television.

1:42 Adam Wow. All right. I can't get past that, but you know what? Yeah, it does seem like a long time. It shouldn't be this long, Andy. Not for a dear, dear, dear, dear, dear friend like Andy Dick.

1:53 Couple more.

1:54 Adam Dear, dear, dear, friend, dear. Less than perfect on its second big season. Going to premiere. Good show.

2:02 People love it.

2:03 Adam September 23rd. That's this Tuesday, 930 ABC. ABC has to be happy. Wayne Brady won a Tony. I mean, he should have won a Tony, actually, but he won it in the weirdest category. I was just watching it. Tonight was like, well, there's, he's up against Martin Short and John Stewart and Dennis Miller. Dennis Miller and who the hell else? And, and, you know, I guess, you know, John Stewart does the Daily Show.

2:36 Drew John Stewart won for best nighttime show, comedy variety show. He did.

2:41 Adam Oh, he won it.

2:42 Drew He won a different category.

2:43 He was up John Stewart won against like Saturday Night Live and against like and Letterman, Letterman and Leno. Oh, my. He won that one.

2:50 Drew Yeah.

2:51 Oh, well, that was nice.

2:54 Adam Oh, wait a minute.

2:55 Drew Yeah, I did.

2:56 But you're saying that Wayne Brady won for best day time comedy show.

3:02 Drew No, best performance on a comedy show.

3:05 Adam No, best performance on a variety show.

3:08 Drew Right.

3:08 I saw that's not.

3:10 Adam But so he won for whose line is it anyway?

3:12 Caller Oh, he did.

3:14 Adam I have no. You sound like Floyd the barber, but no.

3:18 Caller No, so he didn't win for his talk show. He won last year for his talk show.

3:23 Adam I don't know. I don't know. I don't know how it works.

3:26 Caller Well, he won last year, but that was they do those daytime Emmy parts like another day.

3:32 Adam Shouldn't you just pretty much just cram all the late night talk shows together, you know, and see who wins with that. And then as far as specials and variety shows, that's another thing.

3:41 Caller All right.

3:42 Adam Well, anyway, Andy Dick, how many Emmys have you collected over your illustrious career?

3:47 Caller I have let me see.

3:51 Adam Zero zero.

3:52 Caller But I've been on shows that have won Emmys. The Ben Stiller Show.

3:56 Adam That's right.

3:56 Caller An Emmy for writing, which I did write for, but I wasn't credited.

4:01 Drew But just any consider yourself lucky. What would have happened to the statue if it entered your house?

4:05 Adam Right up the ass.

4:06 Drew You son of a bitch. I would say it would have got lost.

4:10 Caller Up your butt. And then of course News Radio won an Emmy.

4:15 Adam Oh it did.

4:16 Caller For wardrobe. It really did.

4:19 Adam Really? It did. It's a contemporary show.

4:21 Caller It's like a little nod. That's the Emmy people.

4:25 Drew Right. They want to give an Emmy to three shows.

4:26 Caller We want so badly because we love your show so much, but really we can't give it to you.

4:31 Drew We can't give it to Seinfeld.

4:32 Caller We haven't been in the top 20 ever, but we do like it. You have nice clothes.

4:37 Adam And what about the Andy Dick show? Is that gone? Is that going to come back?

4:41 Caller That lasted for two years. 20 episodes altogether.

4:44 Adam Excellent program.

4:45 Caller Dead in the Water.

4:46 Adam I can't believe it.

4:47 Caller I know.

4:48 Adam It was a great show.

4:49 Caller It's not coming back. You were both on it. No, you weren't, Adam.

4:52 Adam No, I was not asked to come on the show, but Drew was.

4:55 Caller I tried to find you a couple of times. You were busy doing the Man Show or something.

4:57 Adam All right. Well, it was an excellent show, and we're going to miss it.

5:00 Caller Thank you.

5:01 Adam But we will see Andy along with Sarah Rue coming up on Less Than Perfect this Tuesday. That's how you get your dicks fixed. That's how they should promote.

5:13 Drew Speaking of that, Andy's looking at the General Reconstruction textbook over there.

5:17 Caller I can't stomach that.

5:19 Adam That is nice.

5:19 Caller You have a book here for your guests, Reconstructive and Plastic Surgery of the External Genitalia.

5:27 Adam Andy, after looking at that book, you're either not going to beat off for a month or begin beating off in the next 30 seconds.

5:35 Caller Excessively.

5:36 Adam What do you think, Drew?

5:37 Drew To celebrate his...

5:38 Caller This is just horrible. Look, here, in four easy steps, how to turn a vagina into a penis.

5:45 Adam Andy, you do dress in drag on occasion.

5:48 Caller Yeah, I do.

5:49 Adam Have you ever considered...

5:50 Caller I don't get off on it. It's not a sexual thing. I know it is for a lot of people, but for me, I don't get off on it.

5:56 Adam Never thought about becoming a woman?

5:59 Caller No, never. I'm not like that. That's not me, sexually. Never considered it. I love my penis.

6:07 Adam Me too.

6:07 Caller I wouldn't do anything to change it.

6:10 Adam I just want to say one more thing.

6:11 Caller Maybe get a reduction.

6:14 Adam One more thing before we hop on the phones. I was thinking of promoting Andy's show and promos. They keep doing these 8 Simple Rules promos on ABC where the nice music comes in and it swells. It's like new episodes of 8 Simple Rules. John Ritter's last episode. But the promos are done as if he's alive. They do this thing where at the end he's doing this David Lee Roth at the end of Just a Jiggle-O kind of bad dance move. And then like ha! And it's like really? You got a 50 year old guy like throwing socks into the air and karate chops and a crazy kick move and like yow! And it's like the guy's barely in the ground everybody. I know and I know normally when you do promotions you do that sort of crazy even though a guy's in his 50s. He still does that crazy turn around hey thing but when the guy's dead don't you just get away from the thing where he whips his head around and goes ha ha!

7:18 Drew It says everything about television doesn't it?

7:20 Adam It's really I mean I've seen the promo and if someone calls they've watched ABC and I've seen it five or six times now. It's like John Ritter, beloved TV star, eight simple rules, hey ha ha! I mean his hair's flying around it's like he's flying toward the... Drew remember all the goofy stuff we used to do? That with a little more energy is the last thing you see in the John Ritter eight simple rules promo. Hair flying around, arms flailing. How about something you don't have any shots of him just sitting looking a little pensive or reflective or anything. He's got to be doing a karate chop. This is the same promo if he's alive or if he's dead. And what about the narration part where you're going like a very special. You know the guy throwing karate kicks?

8:12 Drew I have five words for you that our listeners may not appreciate. You may have to tell them a story if you think it's worth it, but you need a brain vacation. All right.

8:20 Adam Oh, wait a minute.

8:21 Caller That's a lot like.

8:23 Adam Please somebody call and tell me they've seen the eight simple rules promo with John Ritter thrown karate chops.

8:32 Caller I remember we talked about that. That's like remember when who's the Margo Kidder? Remember when she like had I guess she might have had a drug problem.

8:40 Drew I don't remember.

8:40 Adam Nervous breakdown.

8:41 Drew Nervous breakdown.

8:42 Caller Wandering the streets showed up in somebody's backyard. And then for the news, you know, during the real news, they would show a picture of her or a little clip. And it was always like a clip from Superman where she was like going. Yeah, you know, to show how crazy she is.

8:59 Adam We have to have you have to have it. Yeah, she unread her throne karate.

9:04 Caller John Rear. That's sad.

9:05 Adam Very sad.

9:06 Caller Robert.

9:06 Adam Robert.

9:07 Yeah, Robert. Yes.

9:09 Adam You're 16.

9:11 Caller Right.

9:12 Adam What's up?

9:14 Caller I have a girlfriend right now. I'm an Orthodox Jew.

9:17 Adam You are a Jew. All right. Orthodox.

9:21 Caller Yeah. And she wants to have a sex. How dare she? But it's kind of like against our religion.

9:28 Adam Sure.

9:29 Drew Is she Orthodox also?

9:31 Adam What is she?

9:32 Caller She's, I don't think she's anything.

9:35 Adam She's nothing.

9:36 Drew Don't your parents have a little problem with that?

9:40 Caller Mine? They don't know.

9:42 Drew Yeah.

9:42 Adam All right.

9:43 Drew Committing Harry Carrey.

9:44 Adam How old is she?

9:46 Caller She's also 16.

9:47 Adam Did you meet her in school?

9:49 Caller No, I met her, you know, I have a bunch of friends we hang out.

9:53 How dare you, Adam?

9:54 Drew You meet her in school?

9:56 Adam It's ludicrous for me to think a 16 year old may have met someone in school.

10:00 Caller I don't think you should do it. I mean, he's an orthodox Jew. This is me, Andy Dick, talking. I didn't even have sex till I was like...

10:08 Adam 11.

10:10 Caller No, no, honestly, till I was older. How did you get that tape?

10:21 Adam Hey, Robert.

10:22 Caller I think I was 18 or 19. Or 17 or 18, I think.

10:25 Adam Let's quiz.

10:25 Caller I held out.

10:26 Adam Let's quiz Robert.

10:27 Caller You got to hold out, Robert. Plus, you know, the whole orthodox Jew thing.

10:31 Drew But maybe he needs to evaluate that.

10:32 Adam Let's go a little Jew quiz.

10:34 Drew Well, first of all...

10:34 Adam I'm not sure if I believe it.

10:35 Caller By the way, I wanted to tell you, they always call it, you know, a hamantaschen.

10:39 Drew Yeah?

10:40 Caller Hamantaschen is a plural form.

10:44 Drew Oh, so what's the...

10:44 Caller Hamantaschen is one.

10:46 Adam A hamantaschen?

10:48 Caller Right.

10:48 Drew That's pretty good.

10:49 Adam What does that mean?

10:49 Drew It's a cookie. Triangle-shaped cookie.

10:53 Adam Oh, that one looks like a vagina. It's the closest they get to eating one.

10:57 Drew Hamantaschen.

10:59 Adam Robert, you passed the test of your hamantaschen.

11:02 Drew Yeah.

11:02 Adam Okay, so what do you do when you're 16? You start to grow beard? Do you have the pay-offs? What do you do?

11:09 Caller Not really.

11:10 Caller I mean, I'm not that, that's like pathetic almost.

11:14 Adam Uh-huh.

11:16 Caller I'm not like that.

11:17 Drew How attached are you to your religion? Maybe you need to sort of evaluate that before you sort of...

11:22 Caller Well, you know, I'm actually in a, I'm in school right now. And I'm coming from my room.

11:29 I'm not even allowed to have a cell phone.

11:32 Adam According to your religion?

11:34 Caller No, no, no, no. That's just my school room.

11:36 Adam Can you use a cell phone on a Saturday if you're orthodox?

11:40 Caller No, you can't use a phone.

11:41 Drew Are you in some sort of...

11:42 Caller You can't use electricity.

11:44 Drew Are you in college or are you in a boarding school?

11:46 Adam What?

11:47 Drew Are you in college or are you in a boarding school?

11:50 Caller 11th grade.

11:52 Adam Hey, let me ask you this. Can you put things on a timer if you want to use them on a Saturday? Yes. Shrewd.

12:02 Drew Nice technicality.

12:03 Adam You choose. You beat Abraham on a technicality. All right. That's all you need to know about religion, everybody. You put stuff on a timer, but you can't turn the switch on on a Saturday. No one ever starts laughing halfway into this?

12:24 Caller Really? Set the TV on even.

12:27 Drew How old is your girlfriend? 16. Well, look. You need to give some real thought to what it's going to mean to your religion, your values. What it's going to mean to her, whether you're going to not adhere to it.

12:40 Adam Just go ahead and bang her. Everyone drop your crazy ritual nonsense with your TVs on timers because you can't turn things on on a Saturday. Holy Christ. Who are you? Retard's kidding. Please. All of you. I don't know if you're a Shiite Muslim or Orthodox Jew or born-again Christian. To any right-thinking person, it's all just insanity. Way too much reverence given to people of mental disabilities, namely the people I just mentioned. All right. Andy Dick, what do you want?

13:14 Caller What's going on here? I just need to get Tim Walsh in here, the guitar player. But Andy. He doesn't know that we're the new places.

13:23 Adam Andy, go talk to producer Ann. Just go.

13:26 Caller Just have Ann come in here.

13:27 Adam No, just go walk out and talk to her. Okay. It's always something with Andy. Andy was going to do a song for us tonight. And if anyone hasn't heard Andy.

13:36 Drew It's worth it.

13:36 Adam In the bitches of the century sing. It's worth it. It's worth it just to watch him punch his guitar player in the thighs hard as he can when he screws up on a note. But in typical Andy Dick form, Andy figured out that about 25 seconds before we're going on the air, he forgot to tell his guitar player who came out from like the Inland Empire to come to the studio. So he wanted to like make a call, but he couldn't, but the show was starting. Now he's distracted. He doesn't know what to do. Drew, what do they call that? Where it's always something.

14:05 Drew A lot of different things. OCD, it could be ADD.

14:10 Adam Okay.

14:10 Drew Various.

14:11 Adam So here's my plan. I just kick him out, let him straighten it out, because he's a mess in here. Trying to signal.

14:17 Drew That's your ADD. You can't tolerate anybody doing anything other than focusing on your every word.

14:21 Adam No, no, I don't want them focusing on what I'm saying. I just don't want them flapping their arms and trying to get other people's attention while we're trying to do the show. Everyone listen to me. That's a distraction for me. That's right. How dare you, Drew. Sophia? You're 17?

14:37 Caller Yes, I am.

14:38 Adam What's up, baby?

14:40 Okay, I've been with my boyfriend for about nine months now, and we finally, well, he wanted to do me anally, I guess. And this is about two nights ago. And I've always had a big problem with doing it, because, I don't know, it just seems gross and unhealthy, and not the right way, you know?

14:59 Caller So I told him, okay, we could do it.

15:02 And ever since then, I've been really constipated. And I can't go to my doctor because my doctor is really close to my mom, and I don't want my mom knowing that I do those things.

15:13 Adam Wait, hold on a second. Drew, can you really, you can't get constipated from this. If anything, loosen things up a little.

15:20 Drew You can get hemorrhoids, and that sort of holds things back a little bit.

15:23 Adam Yeah, but does it, does it feel, is it painful or does it feel like you can't do it?

15:29 Both. Like when I walk, it burns, and when I try to go to the bathroom, it's like stuck up there. It won't come out.

15:35 Drew Why don't you use a laxative?

15:37 I tried that.

15:39 Adam Hold on a second. Is it, is that bogus? No guy putting her up to it?

15:42 Drew Probably.

15:43 Adam It just sounds like such a bogus premise, you know, as if I got, I got my coulee packed with Duke, and it got packed in there, and now it won't come out.

15:51 Drew Right.

15:53 Adam It doesn't work that way, does it?

15:54 Drew I mean, you never know what could do with these things. All right.

15:57 Adam Sophia?

15:58 Yeah.

15:59 Adam Sorry, go ahead.

16:01 I've been with him for a long time.

16:03 Drew What, oh, here we go. Here comes the bogus part.

16:05 Adam Yeah, this is, it's bogus. It's bogus. Where is he? Put him on.

16:09 Caller Go get him.

16:11 Adam Get him.

16:11 Caller He's at home. How do I get him?

16:15 I can't call him this late.

16:17 Adam No, he's in the room.

16:18 Drew She's complaining of constipation.

16:19 Adam She's constipated, Andy.

16:20 Drew Since anal sac.

16:23 Caller Well, just take, you know, I take like, I mean, I don't ever do the anal sac stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

16:28 Drew If you were to, yes or no.

16:29 Caller No, I don't do it. Just saying no. I would tell you if I did. But just take, I mean, what? Eat a lot of fruit.

16:39 Caller Magnesia stuff or whatever it's called.

16:42 Drew Milk and Magnesia?

16:43 Adam Does that work?

16:44 They tell you just to take it once, like a week, right?

16:48 Caller And I already did that.

16:49 Nothing happened. And I'm afraid to take it again.

16:51 Drew No, no, no.

16:52 Adam When's the last time you dropped a duke?

16:56 Um, before two days ago.

16:59 Drew Did you, was it milk and Magnesia or was it Magnesium Citrate?

17:03 Milk and Magnesium. All right.

17:04 Drew Try Magnesium Citrate and try an oil retention enema. And if that doesn't work.

17:09 Adam Oil retention enema? How does that work?

17:11 Drew It softens things up. It's oil.

17:13 Adam They put oil in you?

17:14 Drew It's oil based and you hold it in. You retain it in retention.

17:17 Adam How do you do that?

17:18 Drew You bare down.

17:20 Adam Really?

17:20 Drew Clamp up.

17:21 Adam How do you get it in there?

17:22 Drew It's got a long spigot on it.

17:24 Adam Really?

17:25 Drew You've never seen an enema?

17:26 Caller You've never been basted?

17:28 Adam No, I've never had an enema.

17:30 Caller Happy Thanksgiving.

17:31 Adam I put my ass against a jacuzzi chat once.

17:33 Caller It's the same thing. I'll baste you for Thanksgiving.

17:35 Drew Yeah, but you're basting somebody else with the contents.

17:37 Adam Well, they had it coming. But no, here's what I'm saying. Shouldn't she try to take the laxative, see if it works and then do the enema?

17:44 Drew Yes, I said magnesium citrate.

17:46 Adam Yeah, and then.

17:47 Drew And then it doesn't work.

17:48 Adam But you've forgot that that doesn't work.

17:50 Drew I apologize. The oil retention enema. And or she could do both simultaneously, frankly. What kind of oil is it?

17:58 Adam Like mineral oil?

17:59 Drew 10-60 weight.

18:00 Adam No, I mean, seriously. I haven't heard of oil enemas.

18:02 Drew That's true.

18:05 Adam That's gross. And is that come in its own packet? Or you got to mix it up?

18:08 Drew No, it's all these little, you know, you've seen the enemas, they come in these little, if you ever squeeze an enema.

18:12 Adam No.

18:14 Drew You've never lived.

18:16 Adam Oh, he's giving me gas now, a little fart go. That's my ass is ejecting. Adam's farting. Engineer Chris, first time he's laughed in the month we've been in, this little fart go. All right. Andrea?

18:29 Drew Yeah.

18:30 Adam You're 17? Is it hot in here now?

18:32 Drew Of course. Mic's been on for 10 minutes.

18:34 Adam Andrea, you're 17. What's up?

18:38 Caller Well, I'm addicted to sex.

18:41 Caller Welcome to it.

18:44 Drew What do you mean by that?

18:45 Caller Well, I've only been single for a month, but the last time I had sex was a week ago, and then three days before that, and then about five days before that.

18:58 Drew With the same partner?

18:59 Caller No, two different.

19:02 Drew Two different partners.

19:02 Caller There's nothing wrong with that.

19:04 Caller And I have a nine-month-old daughter.

19:07 Drew You what?

19:08 Caller I have a nine-month-old daughter.

19:11 Drew How old were you when you lost your virginity?

19:13 Caller Twelve.

19:15 Drew Was it like a 19-year-old?

19:17 Caller No, fifteen, but I was drunk off a 151 rum.

19:21 Drew Yeah, were you sexually abused growing up also?

19:23 Caller I don't know. Physically abused? Yes, I'm attracted to abusive assholes.

19:31 Drew All right, so are you addicted? You must be addicted to other things too, besides sex, like substances.

19:37 Caller Like I smoke bad.

19:39 Drew Every day?

19:40 Caller I smoke cigarettes and I drink.

19:43 Adam Sounds like you're going to be a fine mom.

19:46 Drew And you have a family history of alcoholism?

19:49 Caller I don't know. I've been in foster care my whole life.

19:52 Drew Okay, we got the picture.

19:53 Adam Hey, Andrea, Andrea, let me ask you this. Are you on any kind of birth control? Right, but...

20:05 Drew Your foster parents knowing...

20:06 Adam Don't people speak to you about this? Not so much your foster parents, but let's say you're going to the hospital to have your kid delivered and all that kind of stuff. Aren't doctors talking to you about norplant and...

20:17 Drew Shots?

20:18 Adam Getting shots and things?

20:19 Caller Yes, they did. I had an IUD, but the doctor misplaced it, so they had to take it out.

20:24 Drew And why did they put another one back in?

20:27 Caller Because of my age. They said that I was too young.

20:32 Adam They put the first one in, right?

20:35 Caller Yeah.

20:36 Drew Why wouldn't they replace it?

20:37 Adam Why wouldn't they give you something else?

20:39 Caller I don't know.

20:41 Adam You gotta get some birth control. Because look, here's what I'm worried about. I'm worried about, in no particular order, you, your kid, and me. Me. And when I say me, I mean society, who pays for all you a-holes out there cranking out the kids and doing the drugs. You got one kid.

21:00 Drew I know, but you gotta have another.

21:02 Adam You're sexually addicted. And you're 17 and you're not on any birth control. Here's what you need to do. You need to not have any more kids for your sake and for the one kid that you have's sake. Okay? And then again, for my sake, and in no particular order.

21:16 Drew And IUD is reasonable in your situation. I understand why they'd be concerned that there are issues of fertility in women that have never had a baby, but you've already had one. Fertility, contraception is a very, very important issue for you. And if not, IUD, at least the contraceptive shot.

21:31 Adam And you can go to AA and CA and SA. If anything ends with an A, you go there, all right? All right. Let's start with that. What about 12-step program?

21:43 Drew No, she had to go to just alcoholics.

21:45 Adam On your kid's behalf, please, Andrea. But don't create the horrible life for your kid that you had created for you. That's your plan, right? All right.

21:56 Drew Maybe not.

21:57 Adam Maybe not. Andy Dick.

21:59 Caller I went to SA.

22:00 Adam What did you do? Drop a quailude before you came in here?

22:03 Drew He was thinking about it.

22:04 Caller I got up early and did the less than perfect softball game.

22:07 Adam Oh, you did?

22:08 Caller Yeah. I'm on the league. I'm in the league. Then I went to Pam Anderson's house.

22:14 Adam Oh, you did?

22:15 Caller We had a barbecue.

22:16 Adam Oh, you did?

22:17 Caller With our kids. And Tommy Lee was there. Oh, oh. We went boogie boarding. And I almost touched a dolphin. Really?

22:24 Drew They live by the beach?

22:26 Adam That was Tommy Schwanz. You saw the dorsal fin and thought... No, you were hanging with... Is Pam Anderson a star? How does that work with her?

22:38 Caller She's really nice.

22:40 Adam My mom's nice, though.

22:41 Caller No, but she's a good mother. But what? Her kids are my kids' age. And she was on less than perfect a week ago. So we met up and then she invited me to the barbecue. It was great. She's so great.

22:54 Adam You went up to her house.

22:55 Caller Yeah, I went down to her house. Down in Malibu.

22:58 Adam Did some barbecue.

23:00 Caller Tommy cooked everything. He cooked hot dogs, vegetarian hot dogs, turkey dogs.

23:06 Adam They get along okay?

23:07 Caller Hamburgers. They get along great.

23:08 Adam Do they live? He's out in Malibu.

23:10 Caller Yeah, they live close to each other. They can walk to each other's houses. It's great. They've got the best setup ever. I'm jealous.

23:16 Adam I thought they were arguing.

23:17 Caller The kids are like very far away from... No, they were doing great.

23:21 Adam All right, and where are your kids?

23:22 Caller There was a rack of lamb.

23:24 Adam Rack of lamb?

23:25 Caller Oh, there's Timmy Waller.

23:26 Adam Timmy's got his guitar. Now, where... Oh, God. All right, so you want...

23:30 Caller And Tommy just made the best food out of it.

23:31 Adam How many kids do you have?

23:33 Caller I have three.

23:34 Adam Three.

23:34 Caller One of them lives out very far away out in like Pasadena.

23:38 Drew Right, very far away.

23:39 Adam Drew lives in Pasadena.

23:41 Caller Do you drive all the way out here?

23:44 Adam No, he sleeps over at the station most during the week.

23:47 Drew Like 22 minutes.

23:49 Caller 22 minutes.

23:50 Adam I'll tell you how he does it, Andy. He loves his job. And his kids. All right, go ahead.

23:55 Caller I do too, but they live in Topanga and out here. I mean, maybe I should stay centrally located in Hollywood.

24:01 Adam Well, who are you living with now?

24:02 Caller Studio City is a good one. That's what I've been thinking.

24:04 Adam Who are you living with now?

24:06 Caller You live in Studio City?

24:08 Adam No, I don't.

24:08 Caller Where do you live?

24:09 Drew You think Studio City is the center where everyone should live?

24:11 Adam No, no, I think Sherman Oaks is the hub of Los Angeles.

24:14 Caller Yeah, that's what I'm thinking of living. But where are you living right now?

24:18 Adam I'm in Hollywood Hills.

24:20 Caller Like which hills? Like Beachwood Canyon up there? Do you live up near Spike Jonze?

24:25 Adam I don't know.

24:26 Caller He lives up there. He's got a really nice house.

24:28 Adam Here's all I know is everyone always tells me all the celebrities that live in my neighborhood, but all I see is the woman who lives across the street from me that has 23 cats in a Star Trek room in her house and sits on her porch drinking JB all day long. That's all I know. Everyone says Spike Jonze is right up the street.

24:48 Caller Did you see Sophia Coppola's new movie? No.

24:50 Adam Did not.

24:51 Caller It was interesting.

24:51 Adam I heard it was good. Do you have a girlfriend right now, Andy?

24:55 Caller Nope.

24:56 Adam No, no girlfriend.

24:57 Caller Nothing.

24:57 Adam And where are you living?

24:58 Caller I live right near the Beverly Center.

25:00 Adam And you're not living with your-

25:01 Caller Which is really actually, that is more centrally located. That's hub-ish.

25:05 Adam That's very hub-like.

25:05 Caller But it's just too much so. I think I'm on the tour. I just got the star tour, like buses, double-decker buses stop outside my house.

25:14 Adam We're gonna-

25:14 Caller And look right into my bathroom while I'm chugging off.

25:19 Adam We're gonna take a break. Andy Dick's here. Andy, you gonna do a song for us at some point?

25:23 Caller I hope so, if Tim gets his damn act together.

25:25 Adam Yeah, he's there.

25:29 Caller Oh look, there's an old song.

25:31 Adam I'd like to hear a little of that when we come back. All right, Andy Dick's here. And Aaron will be right back after this.

25:35 Caller Yes. As many as one in three Americans with HIV don't know it. To find a testing location near you, call toll free 1-866-344-K-N-O-W.

26:07 Adam Hey there, buddy, it's Loveline, I'm Adam. Phone number, 1-800-LOVE-191. Andy Dick is on our show tonight. Less than perfect, name of the show. Gonna come out for its second big season on this Tuesday, 9.30.

26:26 Caller I see that Sarah Rue's gonna be here next week. She's really nice, you'll like her. She's sweet.

26:31 Adam I have never met her, but I'm hoping to make her a dear, dear, dear friend after I meet her.

26:36 Caller You will.

26:36 Adam The podcast is coming a little later this week. And you guys did not get switched over to the TGI Friday thing that ABC is doing.

26:45 Caller No, we stayed on Tuesday, because we were doing well there. And we started to even do better. This summer in reruns, our ratings went up during reruns.

26:54 Adam Well, if it ain't broke, Drew, don't move it.

26:57 Caller No.

26:57 Adam That's what I say.

26:58 Caller Don't touch it.

26:59 Adam All right, let's keep powering forward. I tried to, Drew went and did the Emmy pre-cast today. I don't know what that was on, E? Yeah. And I watched like 10 seconds of it on Fox at like 7.30 tonight. Like Jan Carl just sitting there and what's the whore's name from Sex and the City who's crazy? Kim Cattrall comes up and it's like, oh, you go, girl. There's nothing worse than like 45 year old white women speaking in the black vernacular, you know. Hey, girl, you go, girl. And Kim Cattrall is wearing, you know, basically an ascot tied around her coos, you know. It's like, whoa, you must have had to work out to fit into that. Turn around. You go, girl. You look great. Oh, thanks. Well, you really had to work out. Well, I did work out. Well, that looks great. You look great. Thank you. And then just leaving. I just thought, oh, there's just so much neuroses. I switched to channel and my wife's like, well, relax. And I was like, I'm uncomfortable. It's hard to watch. It's uncomfortable. And she's like, why? They're just talking. I'm like, the neuroses, it's like bubbling. It's bubbling out of the screen. I can't, it makes me uncomfortable to watch it.

28:17 Drew It's weird. Yeah, when you know and see the pathology, it's hard to watch.

28:21 Adam Yeah. All right, thank you, Drew. Drew, who'd you talk to, anybody?

28:24 Drew This was less of an interview thing and more of sort of discussions and look back and a little skits.

28:28 Adam So you can tell them to turn around and then you go girl?

28:31 Drew Yeah, that's right.

28:31 Adam All right. Shit.

28:33 Drew They had an interesting little You go girl. rolled in piece they called the Straight Eye for the Queer Guy. It was very funny.

28:41 Adam Oh, a play on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

28:45 Drew Very funny, John Sally did it.

28:47 Adam It's good people, John Sally. Must have a huge penis too. There's a seven foot tall man. Andy Dick in here tonight. Andy, introduce your guitar player.

28:56 Caller Little Timmy Wawa or Tim Walsh. He's Irish.

29:02 Adam Timmy is in the Bitches of the Century, yes?

29:06 Caller Hanging by a thread.

29:07 Adam That's right, which I'm sure is fine with him.

29:12 Drew Andy, where are your percussion instruments? I used to see you without a fish.

29:15 Caller I know, I should have brought my little bag of tricks. I have these great darn things. I should have brought them. Tim almost played with Ozzy.

29:22 Adam Really?

29:23 Caller He was up against him and one other guy and he was too drunk back then.

29:26 Adam Tim was.

29:27 Caller He was, yeah, Tim was.

29:28 Adam And Ozzy. Ozzy was pretty loaded too.

29:30 Caller But if Tim was too drunk for Ozzy, I mean what the... So he didn't make it, he didn't get it and now he's stuck with me. We go around, we're going to Kansas City this weekend.

29:40 Adam Oh, but they'll love you in KC.

29:42 Caller I hope so, I've never been there. This weekend.

29:44 Drew I'm going Thursday.

29:45 Caller You are? So are we. Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

29:48 Adam Oh, you guys can hook up.

29:49 Caller So we gotta hook up then. Are you gonna be there all weekend?

29:52 Drew I'm not.

29:53 Adam All right, true, quiet.

29:54 Caller Will you come to see the show? Just come see the show. You've never seen us live. You've always say you will.

29:58 Adam All right, what are you gonna do?

29:59 Caller Come on, it's an early show.

30:01 Adam You guys gonna do a song? Yeah, you wanna do it now?

30:04 Caller Yeah, can we do a couple? So we'll do one now, one later?

30:08 Adam Yeah. Yeah, we'll see how this one goes.

30:09 Caller Let's do a quick little one.

30:11 Adam Yeah, a ditty.

30:12 Caller This is, well, should we do the AIDS one?

30:14 Drew Yeah.

30:15 Caller Since it's kind of appropriate for the show.

30:16 Adam Yeah, AIDS seems right, yeah.

30:17 Caller Yeah, this is a song that is actually in a movie for, it's a musical, it's a musical. Well, the direct, the director character tries to turn the movie that he's directing into this musical and then he tries to make these, these probing, hard-hitting songs.

30:36 Drew Springtime.

30:37 Caller Yeah, it is exactly like that. So he's trying to make a serious song about AIDS, but he's not hitting the mark and that's what this song is. So this isn't me writing and singing this song. This is a character in the movie that wrote the song for the actors in the, in the movie, within the movie. It's kind of layered and complicated.

30:54 Adam But did you write this song?

30:56 Caller But I wrote it. Yeah. And Tim Walsh helped me with the music. Actually, this one was written by Andrew Sherman. The music. I wrote the words with Andrew Sherman. He's one of the other bitches who's Jewish. You'd like him. You've met him.

31:09 Adam Is this part of the song or are we not into the song yet?

31:11 Caller No, let's get into it. How does it begin? Let me think. Because I didn't bring my notebook either. Here we go. Ready? Listen to this. It's very pretty. Sharing is good, but not when it's with needles. Because then the only thing positive is your HIV test. And the doctor swears up and down that my nasty nosebleed will heal when I give my Methus a rest. AIDS, AIDS, gay, gay, gay, gay.

33:30 Adam He's like a By Cat Stevens. That is amazing. Tim, nice job on the guitar too. Andy.

33:39 Caller It's a nice one.

33:40 Adam Oh yeah.

33:40 Caller It's just disturbing.

33:41 Drew You didn't write that though?

33:42 Caller No, I wrote it. He wrote it. I wrote it with Andrew Sherman.

33:45 Drew For this character.

33:47 Caller For the movie and the thing. It's very complicated.

33:49 Drew Is it going to be?

33:50 Caller It's going to happen because we've got three producers that I already kind of walked away from because somebody wanted to take that part out. I'm like, you can't. I mean. And then somebody wanted to take out the Bill Cosby scene that I don't even want to get into. It's very nasty.

34:05 Adam In the 11 o'clock hour, can you play one of your, you know, from the best of?

34:11 Caller And let's do a real quick one later. It's like this 20 second real quick one.

34:16 Adam But I want to hear an oldie buddy goodie. I really enjoyed that, but I'm trying to think of.

34:20 Drew What's the one where you get so worked up? You, you stay at Chris Katan's soul.

34:25 Adam Oh, Chris Katan's song. That's a, that's a strong one.

34:28 Caller I feel bad for Chris Katan. I forgot his days. How's he doing?

34:31 Adam He's, he, he's dead. Well, let's move forward because he, life is for the living.

34:38 Caller Yes.

34:39 Adam Aaron? You're 18? Your boyfriend wants a threesome?

34:46 Caller And with another girl?

34:47 Caller Uh-huh.

34:50 Drew You're 18, huh?

34:53 Adam And, um.

34:53 Caller She sounds young, huh? Yeah.

34:55 Adam It's always a bad time.

34:57 Caller You sound like you're 15 or something.

35:00 Adam Maybe 11. Were you ever abused?

35:02 Caller Uh-huh.

35:03 Adam Were you abused sexually?

35:06 Caller All right.

35:07 Adam You just have that little girl, boys?

35:08 Caller Does he want you to come up with the other girl?

35:12 Caller Yeah.

35:14 Caller Is it your friend?

35:15 Caller Like, I don't, a lot of my friends are, like, bisexual and all this and, like, I've talked to them about it and they're just like, yeah, I'll do it, I'll do it, but, like, I don't, I don't know, like, a lot of my friends are, like, splits and I don't trust them.

35:28 Drew Well, you don't want to do it, so why are you even contemplating it?

35:31 Caller I don't know.

35:33 Caller Cause you're afraid you'll lose him.

35:34 Drew That's why we asked the questions about you having been abused.

35:37 Caller Well, I mean, like, I'm afraid that, like, my boyfriend will like it too much and, like, he'll want to do it, like, all the time.

35:44 Drew All right. First of all, you're playing the role of victim awfully well, somebody who's being forced to do something she really, really doesn't want to do. You're putting it in harm's way. You sound kind of terrified by the whole thing. You're afraid you're going to lose your boyfriend if you don't do it, if you do do it.

35:58 Caller I mean, like, part of me wants to do it, but, like, the other part of me is like, no, I can't do it. Like, that's gross.

36:05 Adam Now, okay. So, listen to that part, would you please?

36:08 Drew If you really care about this relationship, but on the other hand, we don't trust this guy.

36:11 Adam How long have you guys been together?

36:13 Caller Um, three years.

36:15 Adam Three years. That's enough. You two should break up. It says on the screen you want to join the military.

36:23 Caller Do it. Jane. Shave her head, go away, and just forget about that guy.

36:27 Drew If you do that, you'll leave this guy behind, right?

36:29 Adam Yeah.

36:31 Caller Then do it.

36:32 Drew You'll get a little self-esteem. That's a great idea.

36:34 Caller You'll get some nice abs.

36:37 Adam What branch do you want to join?

36:38 Caller Marines.

36:40 Adam Marines. Do it. Why Marines?

36:44 Caller Um, I don't know. In high school, I was in an ROTC program.

36:51 Adam Well, join those Marines and go away and dump this guy. Don't trust him. All right. Andy Dick has handed, awkwardly handed Drew the test that he could have handed him 30 seconds from now when we went to break. But that wouldn't be Andy Dick, would it? We're going to hear another song from Andy.

37:09 Caller It's a quick one.

37:10 Adam Well, now we'll hear it. I think we'll hear it in the 11 o'clock hour, although you got a quick 20 second one. Give me a real quick one and then we'll hear a...

37:19 Caller Fast, fast. The quick version.

37:20 Adam Oldie but goodie.

37:21 Caller A real fast version. Okay, this is pretty. I gotta think, I gotta bleep myself out. Let's end there. That's solid.

38:30 Adam That's good one. That's nice. All right. Andy Dick. Andy, my nephew's fifth birthday is coming up. I want to put you on the spot. If they're out in Topanga.

38:41 Caller We'll play. We'll play anything.

38:45 Drew They're very progressive.

38:47 Adam Turning five? But my sister's very progressive. Again, I don't want to corny on the air, but if Timmy brings the guitar, you guys do a couple of numbers.

38:58 Drew We'll talk during the break.

38:58 Adam We'll talk during the break. Again, I was probably inappropriate to bring up on that. Andy Dick in a night. We'll take a quick break, and we'll be right back after this.

39:06 Caller Loveline.

39:09 My hair, my hair.

39:10 Adam We'll be right back.

39:13 Caller Love Line on 947 NRK.

39:29 Adam Hey everybody, it's Love Line. I'm Adam. That's Dr. True. Nice.

39:48 Caller Remember Zoom?

39:49 Adam Yeah. Great show.

39:50 Caller I loved Zoom.

39:51 Adam Fantastic.

39:52 Caller Come on and Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom.

39:55 Adam Andy Dick in studio tonight.

39:57 Caller Come on, give it a try. We're gonna show you just why. We're gonna teach you to fly high.

40:07 Adam We're going to Zoom.

40:08 Caller That's what I started doing drugs.

40:09 Adam Oh, when Zoom came on?

40:11 Caller They taught me how to fly high.

40:13 Adam Zoom did seem like a euphemism for shooting up smack or something like that. And then, hey.

40:18 Caller Come on everybody, let's Zoom.

40:21 Adam We're gonna go around the club and Zoom by the dumpster. Andy Dick is here. He is promoting Less Than Perfect, which is on Tuesday nights, starting this Tuesday.

40:33 Caller Brand new episodes this Tuesday.

40:34 Adam 9.30. How many episodes did you guys do?

40:37 Caller 22 or 24 last year.

40:40 Adam Good pick up, big pick up.

40:41 Caller Uh-huh, we got picked up right, we got picked up before the end of the year. So that's uncommon.

40:46 Adam Yeah.

40:47 Caller And we got picked up for the full year this year. And we're already on episode six, but none of them have aired yet.

40:53 Adam Right, so you guys are shooting. Do you shoot on Fridays?

40:55 Caller Mm-mm, Tuesdays. We shoot the day our show airs, which is weird, because we can never watch it.

41:02 Adam So what's your schedule? Do you do like a table read on Wednesday?

41:05 Caller It's so light. Wednesday we go in for an hour, we leave. Thursday we go in at nine, we leave by two or three. Friday we go in at nine, we leave by two. And? Monday we rehearse all day from like nine to five. Tuesday we come in at noon, and we're out of there by 10.30 at night, because we shoot the show at night from 7.30 to 10.30. And you're welcome to come and watch. I mean, not you guys, but anybody out there. They can come and just get a ticket for free, and come and sit in the studio audience, and it's a live show. It's really live, you know? People are really laughing.

41:36 Adam Do you?

41:37 Caller Just like I love Lucy.

41:38 Adam Now some shows you're in more than others, right? Some are a little lighter, some a little heavier.

41:43 Caller Right, that's how it is for all of us, because it's an ensemble cast, and everybody. I'm telling you, this show, it's so nice. I like to be on a show like it was for me on news radio, where it's not my show, it's not really anybody's show. It's Sarah Rue's show. She's the star of the show.

41:59 Adam She's gonna be in here later this week.

42:01 Caller Right, she's a sweetie, and it's her show, but sometimes it's even light for her. It's Andrea Parker.

42:08 Adam But when you see the script, and you don't see too many lines for you on one given week.

42:13 Caller I say it's a nap week for me.

42:15 Adam That's my boy.

42:16 Caller It's so nice.

42:17 Adam That's what I'm thinking. That's what I like. That's when I'm sort of, I'm hoping.

42:21 Caller Cause I get paid the same.

42:23 Adam That's what I'm saying.

42:24 Caller I know.

42:25 Adam That is what I'm saying.

42:26 Caller Other actors are upset, and they're like, where's my stuff? It's like screw it, let me go up a nap.

42:31 Adam Let me tell you what your stuff is. Your stuff is work. What do you mean? Where's my work? To me it's like, you being a secretary, and walking into an office going, there's nothing in my inbox. It's almost empty. I know. And I get paid the same all week. It's like, hey, you're not doing piecework. You're not getting paid by the syllable. If you're getting paid the same, screw it. It's a nap week.

42:52 Caller I love it. It's really like a paid vacation. And I love everybody. Zachary Levi, Sherry Shepherd, my favorite. She's awesome. Will Butler, who's Eric Roberts.

43:04 Adam Oh, Eric.

43:05 Caller It's confusing because Will Butler's played by Eric Roberts, but then there's a character, well, his name's Carl, played by Will Sasso, who joined the cast.

43:14 Adam Oh, right, from, he was Fox, he was on.

43:18 Caller We slipped something by the censors on ABC, but I don't even want to talk about it. You know what a hot Carl is?

43:22 Adam No, I don't know.

43:23 Caller A hot Carl? You know what a hot Carl is?

43:27 Drew No, we don't tell us.

43:28 Caller You don't know it, you guys have the number one and only sex chat talk show on national radio. What's the, we've talked about it. Yeah, it's like a dirty, it's like.

43:39 Adam We have talked about a hot Carl.

43:40 Caller It's like a Manhattan or whatever, a steaming, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like.

43:43 Adam Well, what is a hot Carl?

43:44 Caller It's like, it's pooping on your chest as a hot Carl. Oh, really?

43:48 Drew Nice, thank you, Andy.

43:49 Adam Named after Carl who? Malden?

43:51 Drew I don't know, but. Carl Malden.

43:54 Adam Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah. No, I heard, he was it. He was it. Yeah, Streets of San Francisco was originally about a guy who was into being defecated on. Uh-huh, that's what the book was.

44:09 Caller Either way.

44:09 Adam Well, anyway.

44:10 Caller We slipped something by where there was a sentence where I start with a question. Like, cause he said something about, I want hot sex. I want to go in there and get some hot lesbian sex. I want to witness it. And so I say, hot Carl, the only sex, you know.

44:24 Adam Oh, you beat, you beat them on a technicality.

44:26 Caller Yeah, and they didn't know. They still don't know.

44:29 Adam I think I got another fart.

44:31 Caller Oh, could you hear that? Could you hear that through the headphones? That was Adam.

44:36 Adam Yeah, no smell though. No pop at all. Nothing at all. I've had nothing lately. It's starting to erode my confidence. I mean, it's been months now, so I've had any pop at all. I'm just like some kind of noisemaker. I got like a whoopee ass, but there's nothing coming out.

44:51 Caller You might want to get that checked out.

44:53 Adam I'm gonna look into it. Jade? You're 16? What's up?

45:00 Caller I've been wondering how long after getting an abortion you have your period.

45:08 Drew How long do you bleed after you've had an abortion?

45:12 Caller No, like after how long do you start having regular periods?

45:17 Drew Are you on the pill? Did you take a shot? What are they doing for birth control for you?

45:25 Caller What?

45:26 Adam Jade, let me ask you a question. This is Adam. I'm not the doctor. We've got into this tonight already, that sort of young girl voice. You have the young girl voice and the young girl cadence. Yeah. When did something happen to you? Did your dad die when you were seven? You get sexually abused? Something?

45:55 Drew There we go.

45:55 Adam That's right. How old were you?

46:02 Drew That's about what she sounds like.

46:04 Adam And did you ever get any therapy or help for this? How old was your neighbor? Right, but was he an adult? So, and this happened once or twice?

46:22 Caller Yeah, like a couple times.

46:26 Adam All right, you got to get a little help for this. So I can hear it in your voice.

46:31 Drew It's how you make us feel we know that happened. And also you're not attending to yourself. You should have been talking to the doctors who did the abortion. You should be getting some birth control. You'll have your prayer within a month or two for sure. Probably in a couple of weeks actually.

46:46 Adam Hey Jade. It'd be a good time for you to take care of yourself. You're 16, you've been abused. You're getting off to a little bit of a rocky start as a young lady, but that's all right. You can turn it around tonight, okay? But you can't be a victim. You can't just sort of sit around and wait for things to happen to you. You have to be a little proactive.

47:06 Drew And be sure to get some contraceptives if you're gonna be sexually active.

47:09 Adam Yeah. That was the voice and the cadence.

47:12 Drew Yeah. Oh yeah.

47:15 Adam Andy Dick by the way, who was molested as well, yes?

47:19 Caller Yes.

47:20 Adam But not by the same neighbor?

47:21 Caller By Dr. Drew.

47:22 Adam Oh, I see.

47:23 Drew No, that was much later.

47:24 Caller It was a-

47:25 Drew I told you. No, no, no, no.

47:26 Caller It was supposed to be a routine checkup. Turned out to be very bad.

47:31 Adam All right, Andy, you collect yourself. We're gonna take a quick break.

47:35 Caller All right, guys, here's the deal. Look in the hookup, call the Dateline.

47:38 Caller Stick a waste in time with the wrong person.

47:40 Caller Call the Dateline.

47:41 Caller One call is all you need to make.

47:42 Caller Call the Dateline.

47:43 Caller One, eight, seven, seven, eight, eight, nine.

47:46 Caller Date.

47:48 Caller You know what I'm saying now, Dan?

47:49 Caller Adam and Dr. Drew will be right back on Loveline. Loveline on 94.7 NRK.

48:27 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline and Adam. That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Andy Dick, in the house, Drew. You go, girl. You go, girl.

48:40 Drew He would be in the house.

48:42 Adam In the house.

48:43 Drew Dr. Drew in the hissy.

48:46 Adam No whiter woman than Jan Carl, by the way, if anyone knows Jan Carl, who does a little inner. I think she's on Entertainment Tonight, used to do Local News. I mean, good looking, seems affable, but no whiter woman. And the second whitest woman is Kim Cattrall. And you go, girl. Oh, it's such a disaster. Andy Dick, everybody.

49:09 Caller Did you see Cynthia Nixon?

49:11 Adam No, I didn't. Oh, yes, I think I did.

49:13 Caller She's also from Sex and the City. I like her a lot. I did a movie with her called Advice from a Caterpillar. And during that time, like I spent about a month with her, I wrote a limerick. I haven't really written a lot of limericks, but this one just came to me. Want to hear it? Yeah, about Cynthia Nixon, the redhead from Sex and the City. It doesn't make sense and it's not true at all, but it just rhymed. So I liked it. And you know, limericks are supposed to be nasty. There once was an old actress named Nixon who was known as the Great Broadway Vixen because she was on Broadway like nine times. There was at one point she had two Broadway shows going at the same time. She was in act one of one and act two of the other. She ran downtown to the next one. I swear to God. So let me start over.

50:00 Adam Let me just say this. When I do there once was a man from Nantucket. I don't stop and go.

50:05 Caller Okay, yeah.

50:06 Adam That's on the Eastern Seaboard.

50:07 Caller But just so you know, you have to know about her. Listen, okay, ready? There once was an old actress named Nixon. And I love that right away because she's not really old. I really got her, you know? There once was an old actress named Nixon who was known as the Great Broadway Vixen when going for parts, she used all her smarts, which included the shoving of Dixon.

50:31 Drew She must have loved that. She must have loved that.

50:34 Adam Andy just gave us a bizarre sort of, what would you call it?

50:38 Caller Macabre.

50:39 Adam Macabre, deviant meets macabre.

50:42 Caller Look.

50:42 Adam Oh, I love that. I mean, Andy Dick, just asleep is scary enough, but when he gives you the sort of macabre, the one eyebrow that Vincent Price looked when he would turn to the camera.

50:53 Caller It's weird that you said Vincent Price because earlier this evening here, I felt very like Vincent Price.

50:59 Adam Really?

50:59 Caller I did. I didn't say anything about it.

51:02 Adam Did you feel Vincent Pricey?

51:03 Caller Maybe, yes.

51:04 Adam True. Have I ever mentioned Vincent Price on the air?

51:07 Caller No, and I've never felt like him before. He must be here. That's fricking weird.

51:12 Adam Oh, come on.

51:13 Caller He could be here with us. And we have a song for later though. Let's help some people.

51:18 Adam Okay, let's do that. Blair? Yeah.

51:20 Caller How you guys doing?

51:21 Adam You're 20. What's up?

51:22 Caller I'm 20. Back when I was eight years old, me and this girl, we played doctor and had, you know, a little crazy fun like kids do. And I'm wondering if because of that, I may have some pedophile tendencies.

51:38 Drew Well, playing doctor is usually sort of an exposing of one's self to one another. It doesn't, it's not sexual and it's not directed towards intercourse.

51:47 Caller Okay, yeah, we didn't have intercourse, but we just like fooled around.

51:51 Drew What does that mean?

51:52 Caller Looked at each other's, you know, private parts and played kind of like house and stuff like that kid.

51:58 Drew What does that mean?

51:59 Caller What does what mean?

52:00 Drew What does that mean, playing house?

52:01 Caller Oh, like I'm the dad, she's the-

52:03 Drew Yeah, but Andy, you're not making the case strong for him.

52:06 Caller I'm the dad, she's the mom, or I'm the dad and she'd come home and I'd like spank her and stuff like that.

52:11 Adam It's, eh, that's all right.

52:13 Drew It's spank her.

52:14 Adam But listen, hold on a second. That's not why you're into young chicks. No, that's not.

52:18 Drew Well, he's wondering if he got abused or some sort of-

52:20 Adam Well, I mean, here's the thing. Eight-year-old guys- Eight-year-old. Dudes, lads. Now, here's the thing. Eight-year-olds are very curious and they do that show me mine and I'll show you your stuff. And then as they go on, that guy becomes, he becomes curious about 12-year-olds and then 15-year-olds and then 20-year-olds and then when he becomes a producer in his forties, then he goes back down to 17-year-olds again. But you should at age 20 be interested in 20-year-olds if not 27-year-olds, anything you can get.

52:49 Caller I am also, but like, you know, if I see, it's not so much eight-year-olds, but like, I'm not, I don't hesitate to look at like a 12-year-old to a 16-year-old and like, you know.

53:01 Adam Sorry, but what does that, I mean, look.

53:03 Caller That's different.

53:04 Drew You don't act on it though.

53:05 Adam You don't do anything.

53:05 Caller No, I don't act on it, but sometimes like I'll fantasize or masturbate to it.

53:08 Caller But sometimes there's a 15-year-old that really, she looks like she's 21. That's just, yeah.

53:14 Adam Let's face it.

53:15 Caller There's nothing wrong. Just don't do anything because you'll get, you'll go to jail.

53:18 Drew You were going to say something about your history.

53:20 Caller Well, I did all that. I played doctor. I, there was a girl named Kathleen when I was little and she insisted on playing a game called the Bad Piano Teacher. And she was teaching me how to play the piano, but then we'd always wind up naked.

53:37 Adam Sure.

53:38 Caller Well, that was when I was nine.

53:39 Adam I guess a bad piano teacher would work that way.

53:42 Drew That's when he was nine or seven or three.

53:43 Caller And then doctor and we played stripper. And I did the same games with my guy friends. I mean, I played, I played butt bongos with...

53:51 Adam What? Sure.

53:52 Caller Yeah. I remember, I have a vivid memory of before being in first grade, I must have been in kindergarten, of having all my friends lined up on, on like a picnic bench playing butt bongos on their bare asses and my mom tapping on the back window going tick, tick, tick, tick. No, no, no, no. Like shaking her head and wagging her finger. No, no, no, no, no, no. I can still see that. And I'm in me thinking, what's wrong with this? A little harmless butt bongo on my friend's asses.

54:20 Adam And this is in South Carolina?

54:22 Caller No, I think, no, that was in Connecticut. I've lived in like nine different states. Well, I, I think I, there was a whole couple years that I do not remember where I was sent away. I was, first of all, I was adopted. You know that.

54:35 Adam Oh, you were?

54:35 Caller Yeah, I was adopted.

54:36 Adam I didn't know.

54:37 Drew I didn't know that.

54:38 Caller Well, right away, like.

54:39 Drew At birth?

54:40 Caller Yeah.

54:41 Adam Have you ever gotten contact?

54:42 Caller Yeah, I found my mom.

54:43 Adam You found her?

54:44 Caller She's in Lubbock, Texas.

54:45 Drew Oh boy.

54:46 Caller I found her.

54:47 Adam When did you find her?

54:48 Caller Maybe only about five or less years ago.

54:51 Adam Did she know who you were?

54:52 Caller No, no, because she didn't, I mean, she knew who I was.

54:56 Adam Yeah, that's what I mean.

54:57 Caller Yeah, she, she, or, or, or she quickly found out. Like she hadn't been watching, I think she had seen news radio, if that's what you're talking about. But she didn't know that that was me.

55:07 Adam Right, but, but she knew it must, I mean, it's gotta be, look, and when a kid-

55:12 Caller It was awkward for both of us.

55:13 Adam Yeah, but when the kid is somebody who you've seen on TV, who's a personality comes up to you, it's gotta be bizarre on bizarre.

55:21 Caller I bet this questionnaire probably has a lot to do with that kind of stuff. Cause you know, you're, you're in the womb for nine months and you get taken, and there's a bond that's formed and then you get taken away. That was shocking.

55:32 Drew So you gotta, you can remember that.

55:34 Caller I think I went, you know, I've done a lot of therapy.

55:37 Drew So you remember that feeling.

55:38 Caller And other things and, and I've had that kind of panicky, horribly panicky, like I'm gonna die kind of feeling when, if somebody goes away and doesn't come back.

55:48 Adam So hold on, you were adopted from the beginning. And.

55:53 Caller But then I was sent away a couple years into it because my mom didn't, she, she wanted somebody else to help teach me how to, you know, to be potty trained, how to like go to the bathroom in a toilet.

56:05 Drew What?

56:06 Caller Yeah.

56:07 Drew Sent you away for potty training?

56:08 Caller So I can't, I got sent away to like a, a grandparent.

56:10 Adam Cramp Academy?

56:11 Caller That was creepy. Oh. Well, I don't remember that part.

56:15 Adam Oh, oh, oh, oh.

56:16 Caller That's just creepy.

56:17 Adam I know, so, okay, so. When did you find out? Oh, quiet down.

56:21 Caller All I remember is picking eggs from the barn, picking out eggs.

56:26 Adam When did you find out you were adopted?

56:29 Caller Oh, I knew my whole life.

56:31 Adam But did you know when you were two?

56:33 Caller Yeah, there was a book laying around, a children's book called The Chosen Child. So they tried to like put that spin on it.

56:40 Adam Right.

56:40 Caller Like you're the special, chosen one.

56:42 Adam Your mom didn't want you, you're so special, your biological mom.

56:45 Caller Yeah, they didn't put that part in there.

56:47 Caller They put that somebody picked you out of a bunch of them. We wanted you out of all these others. But then as you grow up, you realize, yeah, what about the one that, there was somebody out there who didn't want me.

56:58 Adam Right.

56:58 Caller Right. That's the part they leave out.

57:00 Adam Yeah. Well then.

57:01 Caller And then you have to deal with that later. That's fine. I'm looking. Hey, look, I'm fine.

57:05 Adam No, no, you landed on your feet, buddy. That's the important part.

57:08 Caller Not quite, not quite.

57:09 Adam All right. So you always knew you were adopted. Like a cat. Now, do you think that's a good idea? I mean, I know it's hard to tell.

57:17 Caller You know what's good these days? And it happens a lot are these open adoptions where the mother is in contact. I mean, if they can handle that.

57:26 Adam You think you would have liked that? That would have been cool.

57:29 Caller That would have been cool because my mother, who I just met recently, might have been the one to potty train me and that would have been cooler.

57:37 Drew That's a fantasy though, because the reality is she's the one that...

57:40 Adam She gave you the birth.

57:41 Caller Yeah, she was 17.

57:42 Adam There was a reason why. So when you saw your, when you went and contacted and found your biological mother, was she hard to find?

57:50 Caller Yeah, it took me years.

57:51 Adam And you did find her and then she recognized you from TV. It must have been bizarre for her because she didn't know that's who you were.

57:58 Caller Yeah, that was...

57:58 Adam What was her last name? What, what name?

58:01 Caller Tomlinson.

58:02 Adam That name?

58:02 Caller I would have been, you know, she probably wouldn't have named me Andy. So I would have been something.

58:06 Adam That was probably 50-50 chance.

58:09 Caller Something Tomlinson.

58:10 Adam And, and...

58:11 Caller My head writer on the Andy Dick show is Tomlinson.

58:13 Adam And you found her. Now, do you stay in touch with her?

58:16 Caller Rarely. I don't know why.

58:18 Adam Is it?

58:19 Caller I just don't.

58:20 Adam When you guys left, how was she doing?

58:24 Caller Last time I talked to her?

58:25 Adam Well, I mean, was it sort of a disappointment? Was there fantasy?

58:28 Caller Yeah, it was like, it wasn't all, it was crap. I thought it would explain a lot. I thought it would close doors, open other doors.

58:36 Adam Things would come into focus.

58:37 Caller Things would come into focus. Everything would fall into place. And I would closure. All those terms, and nothing really happened.

58:43 Drew Of course.

58:43 Adam Right. Nothing. And, and...

58:45 Drew Because all that happened, happened over 30 years prior to that.

58:48 Caller Yeah, I was raised by two other people that I consider my parents.

58:51 Drew I've never heard, I've never heard of parents sending kids away.

58:55 Caller That's not good.

58:57 Drew In American history, there's never been a high school age, non-potty trained child.

59:01 Caller Yeah, I know.

59:02 Drew With a normal brain. And sending them away, because you can't handle potty training.

59:06 Caller It did more damage than good, I think, because... Yeah, and in the end, I wet the bed till, you know, I think I stopped two months ago.

59:14 Adam I was a bed wetter myself.

59:15 Caller Till when? I mean, I really wet the bed till late.

59:18 Adam I think...

59:19 Caller Till I had my first girlfriend.

59:21 Drew Oh, no, he did it on his girlfriend, Adam, by accident.

59:23 Caller Oh, well, I'm drunk. Yeah, that being drunk doesn't count.

59:27 Adam Plus, she had it coming. I mean, she was kind of asking for it. I mean, she was asleep, but it's the way she was asleep. I can tell. I know by women's, I know by person's sleeping posture when they're asking for number one and when they're asked for number two.

59:39 Caller Hot Carl. But yeah, I did the same thing.

59:44 Adam All right, well, look at Andy.

59:46 Caller Were you abused?

59:46 Adam No, I was neglected.

59:48 Caller A bad guy who's a bad guy. I was neglected as well.

59:50 Adam Not abused, just neglected. Although I find that a form of abuse. Oh, it is.

59:54 Caller Yeah, it is. I'm trying to stop that cycle with my kids. That's why I want to move in closer.

1:00:00 Drew That's why one lives in Pasadena and never sees them.

1:00:06 Caller Because they're still very young. It would be nice to see them more often.

1:00:10 Adam Dan.

1:00:11 Hi.

1:00:11 Adam You're 18.

1:00:13 Caller Yeah, I was wondering, I was watching news radio.

1:00:16 Caller And I was wondering, what was it like working with Phil Hartman?

1:00:20 Caller He was great.

1:00:20 Caller Yeah, because you passed away and I just started getting into news radio. And I really liked the reruns.

1:00:26 Caller Yeah, well, he was just great. He was like the best person you could ever want as your friend. To me, he was like the father that I never had. I wasn't very close to my father. So, you know, the guy that adopted me. I respected him and looked up to him, but I didn't see him much.

1:00:44 Drew What did your biological mother say about your biological father?

1:00:47 Caller The one, I'd never have met him. I plan on meeting him. I plan on putting that on TV.

1:00:52 Drew Could she tell you who it was?

1:00:53 Caller Yeah, that would make good TV. She said he was an amateur boxer and a bricklayer and claims that I'm not his.

1:01:01 Adam Oh, really?

1:01:02 Caller That didn't happen.

1:01:03 Adam You do seem a little too sharp to come from that dull of mind. But, all right.

1:01:08 Caller No, but I think maybe he's a smarty. I want to meet him. I think that'll be really interesting.

1:01:13 Adam And what about back to Phil Hartman?

1:01:17 Caller So, he took me under his wing.

1:01:19 Adam He did?

1:01:19 Caller Yeah, he gave me advice. I would go to him for advice. He would, you know, we actually, I would go to his house for holidays. And not everybody, no one in the cast did.

1:01:33 Adam How did his wife seem?

1:01:35 Caller She was awesome. And she was nine years sober. Really? Yeah, she had solid sobriety. And, you know, back then, I was, you know, I think Phil maybe smoked a little pot, maybe, but not much. He was a clean guy.

1:01:51 Adam Right.

1:01:51 Caller You know, barely drank. He just had, he really liked old cars and he liked his airplane. And he had toys like that. And he was just the greatest, kindest, most generous and funny guy you could ever, ever, ever want to know.

1:02:06 Adam Yeah, well, there's a couple of guys you miss. I mean, whenever someone dies before their time, it's a tragedy. But there's guys whose work you miss. And in comedy, there's not too many of them, really. I mean, you know, Chris Farley, I'm sorry he's gone, but I don't miss his work. I didn't need to see, I didn't need to see, I didn't need to see Beverly Hills Ninja III or anything like that.

1:02:29 Caller I think he was funny.

1:02:29 Adam Alright, he had his moments.

1:02:31 Caller I thought he was funny.

1:02:32 Adam The point is, is Phil Hartman, I miss the guy's work.

1:02:35 Caller Yeah, he was funny.

1:02:36 Adam The guy, you know, when he was on SNL and when he would do, when he would do his voice, you know, do his voiceover stuff on The Simpsons and stuff. He was really good.

1:02:46 Drew He was on the Pee Wee Herman Show too.

1:02:48 Caller He loved to work. He loved to work. And you know who also was like that was John Ritter because we were on the same night so I got to know him. He was also on news radio. John Ritter had like a five arc story on news radio where he came in as a therapist to help out in the workplace. And just kind, just like Phil, generous and kind and loving. You know what it is? I think I really do believe this. They get to go to heaven because they're just great people. They get to go to heaven. We have to stay here hell on earth.

1:03:19 Adam Ritter was, I did a pilot with Ritter.

1:03:21 Caller Wasn't he nice?

1:03:22 Adam He was a great guy. And I just, I was just sitting around thinking Yasser Arafat been in the Captain Kirk seat for like 42 years. Fidel Castro's been in office for like 45 years. John Ritter, pow, he's gone. Really? This is how it works. John Ritter's got to go. Fidel Castro and Yasser Arafat just keep going forever, boy. They just keep going. Princess Di, John Ritter, you guys are out. Arafat, Castro, Comaini, you guys, keep it rolling.

1:03:56 Caller Keep the party going.

1:03:57 Adam Really, that's the plan. That's the plan. Edie Amin, you go in your 90s.

1:04:03 Caller You go, girl.

1:04:04 Caller You go, girl.

1:04:05 Adam I mean, you realize, like John Ritter's died, Phil Hartman, I don't know what he is, late 40s, early 50s when he goes. John Ritter, mid 50s when he goes. Whoever these guys going in their late 40s, early 50s. Fidel Castro just getting started at 50, boy. He had, I mean, he was just coming into his own. Yasser Arafat, these guys were just coming in, just getting their business going in their later 40s, mid 40s. And nothing ever stops them. Nothing. No valve, nothing pops off, nothing. They just keep going and going and going. They have the most dangerous job in the world, they never get assassinated. Nothing ever happens. No plane crashes, no booby traps, no bombs in suitcases, no hitmen, no poisoning, no nothing. You're just, you're living, you're Yasser Arafat, you're living in the most volatile region of the world, and you're just sitting on the throne for 40 years. Nothing? Jesus Christ.

1:05:06 Caller It's not fair.

1:05:07 Adam John Ritter, pow. Great. That is a great plan. God's got a plan. Don't question. Don't question. There's a reason he's taken John, and Yasser is going to celebrate his 50th anniversary over there. There's a reason. Don't ask. There's a reason. Believe me, there's a reason.

1:05:28 Caller We don't know.

1:05:28 Adam Very important reason. He needed John. He doesn't need Yasser. He needs John.

1:05:34 Caller He wants the fun one.

1:05:35 Adam He wants the fun one. He doesn't need Yasser up there.

1:05:40 Caller Holly? Hello?

1:05:41 Adam You're 17? What's up? The street sweeper blows by at 1 in the morning?

1:05:54 Caller Yeah.

1:05:55 Caller Unfortunately.

1:05:58 Caller Okay. Do you have my info in front of you?

1:06:02 Drew Go ahead. Tell us about it.

1:06:04 Caller My boyfriend is 21 and I'm 17 and I've been with him for about 6 months and I trust him completely, but we just had sex like 4 weeks ago maybe and that's basically why I trust him, but I went and met his parents a couple of days ago and he told them that I'm 19 and he's been telling all his friends that I'm like older age and they don't know that I'm still in high school and I'm really not sure whether or not I should stay with them.

1:06:37 Adam How old is he? 18?

1:06:39 Caller He's 21.

1:06:40 Adam Oh, 21.

1:06:41 Drew Maybe he's concerned about the legal issues here, Holly. That somebody's going to sort of call him on.

1:06:48 Caller I'm really not sure if I should stay with them or not because it's hard for me to decide whether or not I should stay with them because he's not my parents but they don't know how old he is. They just assume that he's still in high school but he's not. He's in the second year of college.

1:07:03 Drew At 21, he's only been in college two years?

1:07:05 Caller Yeah.

1:07:06 Adam Seems like too much college for 21 from where I'm from, Drew. He still sounds like high school age. Well, wait a minute. You want to break up with him because he's lying? Because he's sort of trying to protect himself legally?

1:07:17 Caller There's other things too.

1:07:20 Drew Alright.

1:07:21 Adam Then break up. Then break up.

1:07:23 Drew He's got to be a bad guy.

1:07:24 Adam Here's the whole thing. If you're a 17 year old chick and you're calling us and you want to know if you should break up, then you should break up. Because at 17, you should be writing your first name with his last name and seeing how it would sound. Holly Fagenbaum-Rosberg. Yeah.

1:07:48 Drew But it's also relationships aren't supposed to last forever at that age and if you're not feeling right, one thing you don't know how to do is end the relationship and if it's feeling uncomfortable or not right, get on with it.

1:07:58 Adam Andy, Andy, Andy, please stop flipping through that. Andy's looking at the book that Dr. Alter brought with the guys getting their dongs cut off and it's a disaster. Put it this way, every one of those pictures looks like someone just dropped an M-80 in their underpants. Isn't that what it looks like?

1:08:16 Caller It really does.

1:08:17 Adam It's a very... It really does. They're sane people, all those people. They just needed their penises cut off. All right. Andy is... Andy's going to do a song for us now. I think we're going to take a break first, okay? When we come back, he's going to do one I requested, I believe.

1:08:35 Caller Oh, well, we have a new one that will be your new favorite.

1:08:38 Adam Oh, so I'm going to... I will be requesting this song two years from now.

1:08:44 Caller Yeah.

1:08:44 Adam And then you'll be refusing to play it and play a new one?

1:08:47 Caller Yes.

1:08:48 Adam This is an interesting cycle. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:08:56 Caller Loveline is brought to you by Trojan, America's most trusted condom for over 80 years.

1:09:12 Adam Thanks for watching! That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-A-V-E-1-9-1.

1:09:15 Drew We were just talking about my book, Cracked, which I would please like people to read.

1:09:19 Caller I read it.

1:09:20 Caller It's a good book.

1:09:21 Drew Andy put some comments on the back.

1:09:23 Caller Yeah, I wrote a little comment on the side, right under Robert Downey Jr. I read above Ben Stein.

1:09:29 Adam Nickelback is going to be in here tomorrow night. Yes, Drew?

1:09:33 Drew Yes, Adam.

1:09:34 Adam Now, my eyes deceiving me, or is that just saying?

1:09:37 Drew Nickelback.

1:09:38 Adam There's an L in there.

1:09:39 Drew You're right.

1:09:40 Caller This is Nickelback.

1:09:41 Drew Nickelback.

1:09:41 Adam Yeah, a lot of typos in something.

1:09:44 Caller Do you get a piece of The Man Show?

1:09:47 Caller Because you created it?

1:09:49 Caller How's the new one with Joe Rogan?

1:09:52 Adam It's a little raunchy, I must say.

1:09:54 Caller Because Joe Rogan's very raunchy.

1:09:56 Adam Yeah, I think he's pretty good in it.

1:09:58 Caller He's funny, though, right? I haven't seen it.

1:10:00 Adam Well, watch it.

1:10:00 Caller Okay, he's a funny guy.

1:10:02 Adam Good people. Well, here's a little something from Andy and Timmy, his lovely guitar player.

1:10:10 Drew All right, let's hear about this. Ryan.

1:10:13 Adam Ryan, I'm sure it's the one you didn't plan on playing.

1:10:15 Caller I bet it's the one that we're about to play. That's what I'm saying.

1:10:17 Adam But I did a request earlier and you're ignoring that.

1:10:19 Drew What's the deal, Ryan?

1:10:21 Caller I heard this song, Andy did it on the Howard Stern Show probably like five years ago. It's called Little Brown Ring.

1:10:29 Caller That was our only hit.

1:10:31 Adam What about doing your only hit?

1:10:33 Caller Our only hit. And it's only considered a hit because we played it on Howard Stern. But no one ever bought it. So it's not even really a technical hit.

1:10:42 Adam Well, let's hear it.

1:11:14 Caller And then it goes on and on and on.

1:11:16 Drew What's the one you wanted to play?

1:11:17 Adam Hold on, I gotta fart. Shhh. It makes it funny when he's talking about the little brown ring.

1:11:23 Caller That song is about buttholes.

1:11:25 Adam It's funny when I fart. I know, what is this song you were gonna do for us?

1:11:30 Caller I thought he was gonna request the one that we just recently did on I'm With Busey. I was on I'm With Busey.

1:11:37 Adam Saw it. Yes.

1:11:39 Caller Wasn't it funny?

1:11:40 Adam Yeah, I love that show and Adam De La Pena used to write on The Man Show, so Miho, as I call him, because he's Mexican.

1:11:48 Caller Oh, the guy, the guy, Adam.

1:11:49 Adam Yeah, that's Adam.

1:11:50 Caller Oh, yeah.

1:11:50 Adam He was my assistant.

1:11:52 Drew Doesn't drive a car.

1:11:53 Adam He was my assistant writer for a couple of years on The Man Show.

1:11:56 Caller Yeah, I watched a couple of episodes of that show and I thought it was just so funny.

1:12:00 Adam Yeah, it's a good show. And then Gary Busey, dear, dear, dear friend as well.

1:12:04 Caller Yeah, and he's just nuts. And you know, he plays up the nuts thing.

1:12:07 Adam Yeah. Well, he's nuts, but he plays it up, but he's nuts, yeah.

1:12:13 Caller But I didn't see the episode, but I mean, what we did, I know, is really like just kind of out there, but it turned out really funny.

1:12:19 Adam Well, let's hear it.

1:12:20 Caller Oh, oh yeah. And then we altered the song for Gary, and then I'm going to... Is this the one you wanted to play? This is the original version, not for Gary. It just trails off. We have to work that one up.

1:13:41 Adam That's solid.

1:13:42 Caller Yeah, cause it's more, you know, upbeat.

1:13:44 Adam Yeah, no, it's like something you can sing along to.

1:13:47 Caller It's about a certain somebody.

1:13:49 Adam Again, my nephew. He's gonna turn five. They're up in the Topanga. We'll talk after this. Now, who's that about? Ex-girlfriend, something like that? Andy makes you mad because Andy always has super hot looking young girlfriends.

1:14:10 Caller She came back into my life. I don't know if I was talking to you about that. Lisa, the one that I was with for four years. The one that really put me through the wringer. I mean, it's my own fault. I don't want to be a victim here, but I chose to be in this relationship. I chose to take the abuse and to dish it out. I mean, we were very... It wasn't good, but the sex was so good. I kind of capped off. Have you ever had that where you've had, in your mind, the hottest woman ever in your world, but now it's just like where to go? I'd have to have sex with a female alien or something.

1:14:51 Adam Well, you know what you have to do is you have to get off the part where the hottest chick you have the best sex with ends up being... is the criteria for your happiness.

1:15:01 Caller Exactly. You're right. That's where I'm screwed.

1:15:04 Adam You got to stop focusing on that.

1:15:05 Caller I've been altering that.

1:15:07 Adam But here's the whole thing. Here's what you can do. You can go, I nailed the hottest chick I could nail and had the best sex I could have. Next. Next. I'm going to check that box off.

1:15:18 Caller You're right.

1:15:18 Adam When I say box, I don't mean her vagina, which was always very nicely pruned. It smelled of lilox.

1:15:24 Caller How do you know?

1:15:24 Adam I'm just saying beautiful woman like that would have to have a very nice box.

1:15:27 Caller No, she was so beautiful. It didn't even have to be pruned.

1:15:30 Adam Didn't have to be pruned.

1:15:31 Caller It was just perfect.

1:15:32 Adam It just grew.

1:15:32 Caller She was perfect. I know. She was perfect. But anyway, she's been coming back around. Let me just tell you. She's been coming back. She is now dating somebody else. She's dating another kind of, you know, celebrity. Somebody who's very close with Madonna, actually. So she's in love with this guy.

1:15:51 Adam Who is that person?

1:15:52 Caller I know. That's their private life. But she's in love with this guy. I'm trying to be good like that too.

1:15:57 Adam Right.

1:15:57 Caller Sure. So she's in love with this guy. But she's been in contact with me, calling me and we're friends again.

1:16:03 Adam That's her chaos. I know. That's because she's chaotic. Just like when you guys were together, she was calling whoever at some point and driving you nuts. Now you're that guy. Oh, I see.

1:16:15 Caller That's the thing. That guy doesn't know what he's in for.

1:16:18 Adam She's stirring it up.

1:16:19 Caller He doesn't know what he's in for.

1:16:20 Adam Right. And it's always like, what? You know, Andy and I shared a lot together and we're very close and I count on him and I just want to talk. But it's always something when screwy people, chaotic people never do anything without serious motives. And if she's calling you, believe me, he's going to find out, believe me, it's got to stir it up because she can't go that smoothly without, if she needs chaos, she'll find chaos or manufacture it.

1:16:44 Caller But we did have feelings for each other.

1:16:46 Adam Well, I'm sorry. But listen, you can't bang any aliens and you've gone as far as you can go in this department.

1:16:53 Drew Now find a person.

1:16:54 Adam Now you find a human being.

1:16:55 Caller All right.

1:16:56 Adam There you go. Julia. Hey, hold on a second.

1:17:01 Caller What?

1:17:02 Adam Drew swapped over him because she read your book. We got to go over this person first. Melissa. You're 22.

1:17:09 Caller I'm 22.

1:17:11 Adam You had sex with a 34 year old?

1:17:14 Caller What's wrong with that?

1:17:16 Adam Yeah.

1:17:16 Caller There's nothing wrong with that.

1:17:18 Caller Nothing wrong with that.

1:17:19 Drew She has questions about his vasectomy.

1:17:22 Caller Yeah. Well, what happened was when we were having sex, I didn't. It wasn't that I wanted to ejaculate inside of me, but he did like on top of me. And then he had told me that he had a vasectomy. So I was just wondering like why he did it on top. Like, I mean, I thought maybe you guys like it better inside. I don't know.

1:17:43 Drew If he were not at risk for impregnating you, why would he pull out and do that?

1:17:47 Caller Exactly.

1:17:48 Drew Some guys like doing that. Move.

1:17:51 Caller Well, also when they have a vasectomy, where are the scars at?

1:17:56 Drew Down by the testing.

1:17:57 Caller I'm sorry.

1:17:58 Drew It's hard to see.

1:17:58 Caller On his scrotum? You never. Yeah.

1:18:00 Caller It's hard to see. But he wouldn't be able to just show me without moving anything around.

1:18:06 Drew You might be able to show.

1:18:07 Caller But Dr. Drew, isn't it more important that the guy could have a disease?

1:18:12 Drew In terms of wearing the condom. I mean, that's an issue. These are adults.

1:18:16 Adam Well, what do you suspect that he lied about the vasectomy?

1:18:23 Caller Well, I mean, possibly. I mean.

1:18:25 Adam Yeah.

1:18:25 Drew It was possible.

1:18:26 Caller I wasn't looking to get pregnant or anything, but I mean.

1:18:29 Drew You really didn't know this guy?

1:18:31 Caller No, I know him. I know him very well.

1:18:33 Caller We kind of work together in a sense.

1:18:36 Adam Oh, okay.

1:18:37 Caller And does his first name begin with a D?

1:18:40 Caller No.

1:18:41 Caller I know a guy that has a vasectomy. A young guy. He's in his thirties.

1:18:45 Drew Why did this guy get a vasectomy? Why did that guy get a vasectomy?

1:18:47 Caller My friend got one because he has like five kids.

1:18:50 Drew Why did Melissa's friend get one?

1:18:52 Caller He, well, okay, he doesn't have any kids, but I didn't even mention that he's married too.

1:18:58 Drew Oh, boy.

1:19:00 Adam Nice.

1:19:01 Caller See, why would he get a vasectomy?

1:19:03 Adam I know. Okay, let me, here's the whole thing. If somebody says they have gotten a vasectomy and have no kids, it's a little bit suspicious.

1:19:12 Caller Right.

1:19:12 Adam A little bit.

1:19:13 Caller Okay, why would you do that if, you know, he's a cop too, so.

1:19:18 Adam Now there's trouble. All right, because as much as everyone hates it when I say this, cops are much closer to criminals than any other facet of society, anybody else. Do you know what I mean?

1:19:33 Drew Sometimes.

1:19:33 Adam Yeah, well, here's the thing. Other than, well, I was going to say, I was going to say publicists, but not really, because they're vermin. That's a different thing. They don't really steal. They just sort of connive and cheat. You know what I mean? They're more sort of backstabbing. It's more of a sport for them, horrible, horrible people. But cops are really, they got a little criminal in them. They just do. That's what attracts them to it. But this, by the way, is what attracts everyone to everything. You have to sort of walk that line.

1:20:04 Drew It's a compensation for something. It's a motivational priority caused by something.

1:20:09 Adam Yeah. It doesn't make them bad guys. They're on our side and that's good. But there seems to be, and we've heard over the years, a slightly higher percentage of them that are ironically doing un-cop-like behavior, never surprises me when this goes on. Yes, Drew? Thank you.

1:20:27 Caller Do you have a publicist, by the way?

1:20:29 Adam Yeah, I do.

1:20:30 Caller But you think she's like a vermin?

1:20:31 Adam No. Yeah. No. I have a publicist because...

1:20:35 Caller For the show.

1:20:36 Adam Yeah. Well, I was sort of forced into it.

1:20:38 Caller But you don't have to pay for it?

1:20:40 Adam I do now. That's why I think I'm going to get rid of him.

1:20:43 Caller I don't have one anymore.

1:20:44 Adam Oh, good. Good.

1:20:45 Caller Yeah, but ABC has one, so I just use their services for free. That's how you do it. Jen De La Rosa, she's a nice girl.

1:20:53 Adam Occasionally there's a nice one. Shout out. Usually there's a nice one.

1:20:57 Caller She's a good one.

1:20:57 Adam Not often. Not often.

1:21:00 Caller Because she works for a corporation. She's not like trying to get in with one person and, you know, whore them out.

1:21:06 Adam Yeah.

1:21:06 Caller She just does her job.

1:21:08 Adam Yeah. They're like attorneys, but they're stupid. It's like if you took all the horrible attributes of an attorney, but put it into someone who wasn't smart enough to be an attorney, then you have a publicist. And that's dangerous. Because really, the only thing you can say about attorneys is that they're sharp most of the time. And at least you'll give them that. They know how to have a good argument or debate or something. It's all the sort of, all the bravado and all the narcissism of an attorney minus the brains. That's what a publicist is. Julia, and all the entitlement. Julia. You're 19?

1:21:41 Caller Yes, I am.

1:21:42 Adam What's up?

1:21:46 Caller And Andy Dick, I'm so sad your show is off, like, you know, off MTV because it was so good.

1:21:51 Caller I know.

1:21:51 Adam Yeah, it was a really good show.

1:21:53 Caller You know what I did with my own money? I put every, well, my favorite clips from the Andy Dick show on my website, andydick.com. You can watch them for free. Yeah, because I didn't want it to die. It cost me over 10 grand to do that.

1:22:06 Caller Andy, you're awesome.

1:22:08 Caller Yeah. Yeah, I can't. I have, I don't own it, which sucks also. I don't own it. MTV owns it. I wrote a movie for Daphne, too. I'm going to try to get, I'm going to try to get them to let me do that.

1:22:21 Caller Oh, everyone will go see that.

1:22:23 Caller Well, you know what? You're part of a small group of people. Not everyone in the world loved that show. A lot of people, there's people who just didn't get it or like it. You know that.

1:22:32 Adam Well, it's always, the more, the better.

1:22:34 Caller There's haters.

1:22:35 Adam The better the show is, the more of those people are going to be, unfortunately.

1:22:38 Caller They just didn't get it.

1:22:41 Caller I read Dr. Drew's book, Craft.

1:22:45 Adam You loved it.

1:22:47 Caller I am recovering alcoholic addict.

1:22:49 Caller I'm 19.

1:22:50 Drew Good job.

1:22:51 Caller That's just cool. Yeah. Dr. Drew, I love your book and I'm going to have my dad read it because I want him to understand me a little bit more.

1:22:58 Drew Great. Excellent.

1:22:59 Caller Yeah. I think it's just so cool because it's just everybody's story, you know? Right. I don't know. And I wanted to tell you, like with the character in the book, her coverage didn't pay for it and I wanted to know what you thought we should do politically to make that like more available to everybody in America.

1:23:18 Drew You know, it's unfortunate there's no way to advocate for addicts. It's unbelievable. That's the one thing that is constantly cut out of insurances and then no one there is able to advocate on addicts' behalf. The one thing I think that it would allow us to regain some capacity to treat this disease that influences a third of the country, frankly, is to allow us to sue HMOs. So if you can help get legislation in place that will allow patients to sue the HMOs for their manipulation of their care, you've done a great thing. What?

1:23:50 Adam You can't do that now?

1:23:52 Drew You're not allowed to sue HMOs.

1:23:53 Adam Oh really? Oh boy.

1:23:54 Caller It doesn't seem right.

1:23:56 Adam I just, you know, I was just sitting around with a whole bunch of guys today. This is sort of on the same theme. And we're all sitting over at Jimmy's house eating fried chicken his mom was making and watching.

1:24:08 Caller Jimmy Kimmel?

1:24:09 Adam Yes.

1:24:09 Caller You guys are still good friends?

1:24:11 Adam Every, oh yeah, every Sunday all the guys meet over at Jimmy's house. We watch five football games simultaneously while somebody cooks chicken. His mom made fried chicken.

1:24:22 Caller Was Sarah Silverman there?

1:24:23 Adam No she was not.

1:24:24 Caller I love her.

1:24:25 Adam She's good people.

1:24:27 Drew And the chicken?

1:24:27 Adam Oh great chicken. Great chicken. I ate like seven pieces of fried chicken and I took fried chicken home with me but anyway I actually I'm not wearing the same shirt but I realized as I even when I was out of the house I started smelling like I smell like fried chicken but we're all sitting around in Jimmy's living room and there's a whole bunch of guys and they're all writers and stuff from Jimmy's show and the man show and stuff. Everyone's from Pittsburgh and Indiana and all all from out of state Boston and stuff like that and I brought up the fact that we were supposed to have a bullet train that was built from LA to Vegas for about the last 25 years and everybody in the room immediately and these are guys who have had an ass full of me by the third quarter and whatever posturing I'm doing and like to disagree and argue with me everyone turned to me and said well that's a great idea how come and I said I don't know they've been building this train for 25 years allegedly except for they've never gotten started on it everyone said that would be great we could do you'd get there in an hour and a half I do in a second you know because the traffic gets bad we're driving out on a Sunday sometimes it takes six hours to get back turbulence is horrible in the airplane and it's like why don't we have a bullet train whatever and then I started thinking about you know we're gonna we're gonna donate or We're going to donate, or I shouldn't say donate, but allocate, you know, like $8 billion towards Star Wars research this year for experiments that fail every time. We're going to take $80 billion. We're going to send it overseas to the Middle East and try to rebuild it. How, where's our bullet train? And we could have one. We really could. I mean, the amount of money, if you think about what we're talking about, sending overseas, and you think about the amount we're thinking about just sending up into the skies for Tassin. Now listen, I think having a strong military is a good idea, and I think research is a fine idea, but we need 85 billion. Can we take the one billion and get a nice bullet train going over to Vegas and back, or maybe cross country, or wherever? Does it seem a little strange that we pay?

1:26:30 Caller What's the holdup?

1:26:31 Adam That's right. We invented the train in this country, for the most part. We had a rail system going before just about anyone else, and they've all had bullet trains since the 60s. Still, no bullet train in the United States.

1:26:44 Caller Who has bullet trains? Asia, right?

1:26:47 Adam France has bullet trains.

1:26:49 Caller Everyone has them.

1:26:50 Adam Japan, Germany, all of Europe. We do not have one. Really, couldn't we? Seems like...

1:26:57 Caller You'd think someone in Vegas would pay for it.

1:27:00 Adam What's going on? And you know what I said? I said, you know, here's how things used to get done. One crazy billionaire, like these railroad tycoons and stuff who makes it his mission. He always dies before it's completed, but he spends 30 years and everyone forgets his name and no one cares anymore. But he made it his life's work and he ends up getting it done. Let's get that Vegas bullet train done.

1:27:25 Drew Let's throw a few bucks that way.

1:27:27 Adam I said, Jimmy, that needs to be you. You need to be the crazy, eccentric billionaire that makes this a life. And his family's destroyed, his career falls apart, and he goes bankrupt, but he gets the bullet train done. And then, of course, I said dies right before the maiden run. How often would you be on that bullet train? Drew, you'd be on that bullet train. Soon as you cross the border, they would have an electronic module hooked up to the train that the second at 170 miles an hour, as soon as you cross into Nevada, pow, the place lit up like the Fourth of July. All the slot machines had kicked on. Whores would start falling out of the ceiling. Whores would fall out like the oxygen masks would fall out in a plane. Pow, whore falls in your lap with a cocktail in her hand. She's got $20 chips in her bosom. You'd be on that train. You'd be gambling. Can't have it. Can't have it. Not gonna have it. All right. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:28:30 Caller Dude, you got issues.

1:28:33 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:28:37 Caller This is Dr. Drew Loveline on 947-NRK.

1:28:54 Adam Hello. Would you shut up? I know how fast the bullet train goes. It's got a yell on the air. Hey, it's Loveline. Hey, Anderson. Yeah, I'm here.

1:29:06 Caller Yeah.

1:29:07 Adam Did you just seem like you just dropped out the music bumper?

1:29:10 Caller Yeah, because I just threw away the whole open.

1:29:12 Adam OK, screw that. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. There's Andy Dick. Come on in, Andy. That's right. Drew, I want to know how fast the bullet train goes. 175 miles an hour in Japan. And that's like 400 for those people. They're that small. Drew, that's not racist. But you know what I'm saying? That's a compliment.

1:29:35 Drew The distances are shorter there.

1:29:36 Adam Yeah, I'm saying if they had like if there's like a, you know, black NFL linemen, that would be crawling to him. Do you see what I'm saying?

1:29:44 Drew It's a size issue.

1:29:46 Adam Yeah. Here's a thing I didn't know about. I don't know why I'm on this bullet train jag. But, you know, we had trains out here in the 30s that would routinely go over 100 miles an hour, like 120 miles an hour. I had no idea steam trains would go over 100 or could do it. Yes. I know it sounds incredible. And then in the whole the whole thing about, you know, France. France is bizarre, by the way. I cannot figure the French out in the sense that like on one hand, they can't make a car. They make the world's crappiest car. And usually the car, sort of the yardstick that you use to measure that comes like Germany. They make a good car. They make a good airplane. They make a good bomber. They make, you know, they were the first to introduce the jet airplane. It all makes sense that they make a good car. The Germans, the French make a horrible car. But yet they've mastered the bullet train. Everyone loves their bullet train. They export their bullet train. There are pioneers in the bullet train. You know what I mean? It seems like if you could do a decent bullet train, you do a decent car. You know what I'm saying?

1:30:49 Caller Why do you think that is, Tim?

1:30:51 Adam And they've invented a lot of things.

1:30:52 Caller Tim has thoughts on this, I think.

1:30:54 Adam You have any thoughts on this?

1:30:55 Caller Well, maybe they imported the bullet train from Japan. Maybe they bought it from...

1:30:58 Adam No, they're world leaders in bullet train technology. Is that true? Yes.

1:31:05 Caller Because they couldn't make a good car.

1:31:07 Adam And they've pioneered many, many mechanical things and stuff too, which you don't think of them. You think of them sort of lying around, you know, drinking wine and thinking of lyrics to songs and poetry and stuff. But they have done some pretty substantial mechanical things.

1:31:23 Caller Laughing at Jerry Lewis.

1:31:25 Adam Yeah. And then there's that. All right. And then Japan, they got... That makes sense with the bullet train. But Germany makes... Everyone's got a bullet train but us. No, not us. We got the monorail over at Disney Life. That's it. That's us. Fantastic.

1:31:41 Caller Fantastic.

1:31:42 Drew Andy wants to play another song.

1:31:43 Adam No, he doesn't. Caitlin?

1:31:46 Caller You're 18?

1:31:47 Caller Yes, I am.

1:31:48 Adam What's that?

1:31:49 Caller I have actually a question about the morning after pill.

1:31:52 Caller My friend told me that I could take five birth control pills and 12 hours later take five more and I did like the same thing.

1:31:58 Drew Depends which pill you're talking about. I don't think it's five for the orthotriacycline. Orthotriacycline, I've heard it being recommended for morning after pill but I think it's two or three. Okay. But you were already on the orthotriacycline, right?

1:32:16 Caller No, I wasn't taking it actually.

1:32:17 Drew Why weren't you taking it?

1:32:18 Caller Well, I actually got it from Planned Parenthood when I took my sister to get an abortion.

1:32:22 Drew That's an interesting and convoluted story.

1:32:25 Adam That's nice.

1:32:26 Drew Yeah, if you go ahead and get on some contraception. It's usually recommended that you use ovrile or low ovrile or a less if you're going to use one of the ones that is a little more specific for the morning after contraception. I'm glad you did something anyway. That's good.

1:32:39 Adam Let me tell you what the problem is and why we don't get this bullet train. I'm now obsessed with it.

1:32:43 Drew How come we don't have the morning after pill for everyone?

1:32:45 Adam I'll get to that in a minute. Here's how they used to do it. Some super rich guy would go, look, I'm going to get a whole bunch of Chinese together. I'll get a whole bunch of disenfranchised people here. I'll give you one dollar a day, no health insurance. Get busy. Get busy. Hey, you spotted owls? We're going right over you. Any endangered species, any flora and fauna in the neighborhood, pow! We're just cutting a swath right through you. We're going, we're building, baby. We don't care about OSHA or the EEOC, nothing. We don't worry about nothing, but how much track we can lay each day and they would do it. Now, you know why we can't go to Vegas on the bullet train? Because there's probably some field mouse or something whose habitat this would screw up and environmental impact studies and years and years and years of red tape, no, it can't be done. Nothing can be done anymore. It's all too much. Too many lawyers, too many fags. That's what it is. Fags and lawyers.

1:33:34 Drew Gone.

1:33:35 Adam Can't make a move. Can't do anything.

1:33:36 Drew Nothing going to get bailed.

1:33:38 Adam Everyone walk to Vegas.

1:33:39 Drew Have fun.

1:33:40 Adam Thank the fags and lawyers. That's it. That's it. Just a bunch of environmental homos and a bunch of attorneys and that's it. Nothing going to move.

1:33:47 Caller The bullet train would be good for the environment.

1:33:49 Adam That's right. Yeah, it wouldn't have all those cars going there.

1:33:52 Drew Says Andy Dick.

1:33:53 Caller All right.

1:33:53 Adam We'll take ourselves a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:33:56 Caller Okay, so I know there's nothing wrong with me. So what's up? 877-889-DATE.

1:34:15 Adam 1-800-LOVE-191. We're talking to a young tanner here.

1:34:48 Drew No, you can't.

1:34:48 Caller You're off.

1:34:49 Drew You're disconnected.

1:34:50 Adam No. All right. Well, then screw it. Andy Dick, everybody. Good night, people. Tuesday nights, 9.30, ABC, Less Than Perfect. Check him out on that. Look for his new CD out whenever it's going to come out.

1:35:05 Caller It will come out, whether you like it or not.

1:35:07 Adam If you're in the Kansas City area, enjoy the song stylings, Andy Dick and company. This weekend, Tim, thanks a lot, buddy. Thanks, you guys. Always great on the guitar. Until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew, saying mahalo. Andy Dick, by the way, who was molested as well, yes?

1:35:24 Caller Yes.

1:35:25 Adam But not by the same neighbor?

1:35:27 Caller By Dr. Drew.

1:35:31 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Annie Gold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Sunday, September 21, 2003