Thursday, December 30, 2004

0:57🔗 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience.

1:02🔗 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually oriented content. Sexually oriented content.

1:08🔗 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised.

1:09🔗 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised.

1:14🔗 Voiceover This is Loveline.

1:18🔗 Voiceover With Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

1:21🔗 Adam Hey, it is the best of the best of the best of Loveline. Who's on tonight, Drew?

1:26🔗 Drew Little Tony Hawk, David Arquette, Alec Baldwin, Tom Arnold's all star rundown, Patrick.

1:31🔗 Adam Wow. Fugit.

1:32🔗 Drew Fugit.

1:33🔗 Adam Yeah. He's the kid from Almost Famous, a movie I'm sure you didn't see because it was good.

1:37🔗 Drew I did see it.

1:37🔗 Adam Because I saw it.

1:38🔗 Drew I saw it. I saw it. He's god of my witness.

1:40🔗 Adam Great movie.

1:41🔗 Drew Great movie. The 70s brought back to life.

1:43🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:43🔗 Drew Oh, yeah.

1:44🔗 Adam Back when you were in your early 30s.

1:46🔗 Drew That's right. I was still a young man.

1:48🔗 Adam All right. Let's get the party started with Tony Hawk and Patrick Fugit. Hey, everybody.

1:56🔗 Loveline.

1:57🔗 Adam I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Patrick Fugit is in here tonight and Tony Hawk is in here tonight.

2:04🔗 Drew Donna.

2:05🔗 Best Of Hi. Thank you for taking my call. I just wanted to know if there's something wrong with a vibe I'm putting out to attract the wrong guys, because I seem like I always attract like the wrong guys, where like they end up breaking up with me or cheating on me or like.

2:23🔗 Drew That's not attracting the wrong guys. That's going out with the wrong guys.

2:27🔗 Best Of I mean, am I doing something to get the wrong guys? Like I always seem to get the guys with a bad past and who are always in trouble or.

2:35🔗 Drew Why do you go out with those guys? Just because you attract them doesn't mean you have to go out with them.

2:39🔗 Best Of I know. It's just I can't seem to find anybody who's like normal.

2:43🔗 Drew Well, because you're always going out with the bad guys.

2:46🔗 Best Of I don't know.

2:47🔗 Adam Well, you're not attracted to the guys who live in the slow lane like like me and Drew. Actually, we've pulled over to the shoulder of life, not even on the free one. But I mean, you wouldn't be attracted to the guy who studied hard and got good grades and didn't get into trouble and all that stuff, right?

3:08🔗 Best Of Well, it depends.

3:09🔗 Drew I mean, that's a no.

3:10🔗 No.

3:12🔗 Adam Well, you're you're cute, right?

3:14🔗 Best Of Yeah, I think I am.

3:16🔗 Adam And guys are interested in you.

3:18🔗 Best Of Yeah, it just seems like I was the wrong ones are.

3:21🔗 Adam It's like, you're attracted to the sort of bad boy types, right?

3:25🔗 Best Of Yeah.

3:26🔗 And I don't I don't know why.

3:27🔗 Best Of I just don't seem right.

3:29🔗 Adam But but you can't be surprised when the bad boy types end up being bad boys, can you?

3:35🔗 Best Of No, not.

3:37🔗 Drew You're not going to change them. It doesn't happen that way ever.

3:42🔗 Best Of And I had another question. I was smoking like about a pound a day with like like a day with like friends, not just by myself and like a weed. And then I hold on.

3:55🔗 Adam You can't you can't smoke a pound a pound a day.

3:59🔗 Best Of Not by myself with like friends, like almost like a pound.

4:03🔗 Yeah.

4:04🔗 Best Of And with like two months later.

4:07🔗 Yeah.

4:10🔗 Adam I mean, she was smoking a pound a day, but she was with a hundred and eighty five cashiers or was she with five people?

4:18🔗 Drew She was the entire island of Jamaica shared with her that pound.

4:25🔗 Adam Yeah. A pound is a ton of weed.

4:28🔗 I mean, I was purchasing that.

4:31🔗 Adam How much is a pound of weed? I mean, I mean, a quarter, a quarter ounce, a half an ounce is, is like a hundred bucks or hundred and twenty bucks or something like that. It's a lot. Drew, how much? Wait a minute. Donna, do you really, how do you know it's a pound of weed?

4:53🔗 I don't know.

4:54🔗 Best Of Like everybody says it is.

4:56🔗 So I guess you just go by looking at it.

4:58🔗 Drew Who buys it?

4:59🔗 Best Of Judged by that.

5:00🔗 Adam Pound of weed is like a pillowcase full of weed.

5:03🔗 I usually got it, I usually got it around 400.

5:06🔗 Best Of And like all of us would pitch in.

5:07🔗 It was like a big group of us.

5:09🔗 Best Of And I was-

5:10🔗 Drew $400 a day? How did you, where'd you come up with-

5:12🔗 Adam No, no, no. 400 is, is like a couple, is a couple of ounces, isn't it?

5:18🔗 Best Of Well, I got it cheaper because first of all, we had connections. It was like a big group of us.

5:23🔗 It was like a Costco discount.

5:25🔗 Drew But every day they would spend 400 bucks?

5:28🔗 Best Of About.

5:28🔗 Drew It's crazy.

5:29🔗 Best Of Roughly, not really.

5:30🔗 Adam How many friends?

5:32🔗 Best Of Like about 17 people.

5:34🔗 Adam Every day, 17 people would chip in-

5:38🔗 Drew 20 bucks.

5:39🔗 Adam 20 bucks or 25 bucks or something, and get a pound of weed, and then you guys would smoke it out of an eight-foot hookah pipe with 75. What? No, it was 75 carbs on it, right?

5:56🔗 Best Of No.

5:56🔗 Adam OK, so it just sounds like a lot of trouble.

5:59🔗 Best Of Yeah, and I started feeling depressed after that. Like after I quit, I've been sober for like two months now. Right. Because I've gotten in a lot of trouble, so I've been staying clean. And I was wondering, does it cause depression?

6:13🔗 Drew Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely characteristically it does that. You need to look into this, Donna. You got a lot of stuff going on. You're 16, you got addicted to pot, you're having a depression from the biological injury of the pot, you're hanging out with guys that are paying the ass and hurting you. Why don't you look into things? You know? All right.

6:32🔗 Caller Good times, everybody.

6:34🔗 Adam I can just see the 16 people that have been left behind by Donna confused. We're 25 short. Now who didn't put in? We got to buy a pound of weed every day. Could that story? I know she wasn't lying, but could it have been even close to true the way she was explaining it?

6:55🔗 Drew It didn't seem like it, but it's another one of the colors. It's the weird energy night.

6:59🔗 Adam How dare you.

6:59🔗 Drew Joey.

7:00🔗 Adam Joey?

7:01🔗 Yeah.

7:01🔗 Adam You're 13.

7:02🔗 Caller Yeah. Okay.

7:03🔗 Caller I bought some weed the other day.

7:05🔗 Drew Bought what?

7:06🔗 Weed?

7:07🔗 Caller Yeah.

7:08🔗 Drew Oh, Joey.

7:09🔗 What?

7:10🔗 Caller A pound?

7:11🔗 What?

7:12🔗 Adam You buy a pound of weed?

7:13🔗 No, I didn't have that much money.

7:15🔗 Adam How much weed did you buy?

7:16🔗 I bought a dime bag.

7:18🔗 Adam Dime bag.

7:19🔗 Yeah. We thought it was just going to be regular. But the guy, I don't know if he like messed up or doing us a favor or something like that.

7:26🔗 Adam Yeah.

7:26🔗 He gave us some chronic. And that's like we only, me and my friend, we only smoke like two bowls of it. We made like this bomb thing. It's pretty cool.

7:37🔗 Adam Dime bag. By the way, a dime bag nowadays. I mean, dime bag used to be a decent amount of weed. But now I think a guy just blows smoke into a baggie and gives it to you. Is that about 10 bucks worth of chronic these days?

7:53🔗 No, a dime bag worth of chronic is 20 bucks.

7:57🔗 Adam But hold on.

7:59🔗 Caller That's new math.

8:01🔗 Adam Dime bag can't be 20 bucks, can it?

8:03🔗 Dude, of chronic it is.

8:12🔗 Adam Oh, Joey, she always said, you know what Joey ought to do right now? I know Joey is only in like the seventh grade, but he should just go right to junior college right now. Forget all about the eighth and the ninth grade in high school. Just forego all that. You're going to end up at junior college. Just go there. Shouldn't there be an early? No, he'll end up there.

8:34🔗 Drew He's not even going to make it to high school.

8:36🔗 Adam Well, maybe you're right. But again, another argument to go straight to junior college. All right, let me talk to him. Listen. Joey.

8:44🔗 I'm sorry about that.

8:45🔗 Adam No swearing on the air.

8:46🔗 I'm sorry. Excuse my language.

8:48🔗 Adam All right. So you're saying a dime bag is 20 bucks.

8:51🔗 Yeah, of chronic, but regular, the Mexican stuff.

8:55🔗 Adam Right.

8:56🔗 That's only like 10 bucks, yeah.

9:00🔗 Adam I was praying you would say 15. All right. Now, listen, Hashear, how long you been smoking pie? You're 13.

9:11🔗 Caller Well, two years.

9:13🔗 Adam Two years.

9:14🔗 Drew I'm 11. Did you see Robert Downey Jr. and his life has become?

9:20🔗 Caller Who's that?

9:21🔗 Adam All right, Drew, this is going to be tough. Robert Downey Jr. You know Yogi Bear? Yogi the Bear?

9:27🔗 Caller Yeah.

9:27🔗 Adam Yeah, all right.

9:28🔗 Drew You'll turn into him.

9:29🔗 Caller Yeah.

9:30🔗 Adam Yeah, you'll be eating them picnic baskets all day and avoiding the ranger. I don't know who he knows. You know Tony Hawk, right?

9:38🔗 Caller Yeah, do you?

9:38🔗 Adam Yeah, Tony Hawk says-

9:39🔗 Caller Can I talk to him?

9:40🔗 Adam Yeah. He says, don't smoke weed.

9:43🔗 Caller Okay.

9:43🔗 Adam Well, here, he'll tell you.

9:45🔗 Caller No, don't.

9:46🔗 Adam Go ahead, Tony.

9:47🔗 Caller You've been smoking weed since you were 11?

9:50🔗 Caller About.

9:51🔗 Caller About? That's just-

9:53🔗 Caller I'm turning 14 tomorrow.

9:55🔗 Caller That's so hard to fathom.

9:57🔗 Adam Tony, tell him not to smoke weed. Yeah, don't.

9:59🔗 Caller Quit. Quit smoking it.

10:02🔗 Drew At your age, Joe, it's overwhelmingly clear that it hurts the brain, it hurts development, and it makes you dependent on these things in order to manage basically life. And it's something you don't, a cycle you just don't get out of. Robert Downey Jr., I mentioned him, but he started when he was nine.

10:19🔗 Adam He doesn't know him, Drew.

10:20🔗 Drew I know, but other people do.

10:21🔗 As they say, out the gate by eight, in the spoon by noon, back again by ten.

10:28🔗 Adam That's Robert Downey Jr. for you.

10:30🔗 Caller Okay, well, I didn't know.

10:32🔗 Caller I haven't been smoking constantly since I was 11. It's been like, well, since my parents caught me, I started smoking then, and then I stopped for a few months, like six months, something like that. Then I started back up again.

10:50🔗 Adam All right, well, stop.

10:50🔗 Caller It's only gonna get worse.

10:51🔗 Caller Yeah, I've only been doing it every other weekend.

10:53🔗 Adam All right, well, just slow it down.

10:55🔗 Caller Those dime bags are gonna start getting to be a hundred bucks, 200 bucks.

10:59🔗 Adam That's right. Here we have a thousand dollar dime bag. I remember when dime bags were 50 cents. Drew, remember those days?

11:08🔗 Drew Yeah, well, 75 anyway.

11:10🔗 Adam All right, so Julia?

11:13🔗 Yeah?

11:13🔗 Adam Yeah.

11:14🔗 Oh, sorry, hi.

11:16🔗 Adam What's happening?

11:18🔗 I just wanted to talk to Patrick Fugit because I have an absolute passionate.

11:24🔗 Best Of I love him.

11:25🔗 Adam Yeah, he's hot.

11:27🔗 Drew She's a passionate, passionate woman.

11:28🔗 Adam All right. Here he is. Here he is.

11:30🔗 Drew You're gay.

11:31🔗 Adam Here he is.

11:33🔗 Caller Hi. Oh, my. Okay.

11:36🔗 I wanted to call and tell you that I think that you're wonderful and you're delightful and almost famous as the greatest movie in the entire world after the Rocky Horror Picture Show. And every time I just watch you, you make me smile and not many people in movies can do that. And I just think that you have an amazing presence and that's really great.

11:57🔗 Thanks.

11:59🔗 And the woman on the phone said I had to ask you a question. So I just thought up really quick, how did you get the part?

12:10🔗 Oh, 1999, I suppose, in the beginning of the year, they sent out a big nationwide casting call, and I used to have an agency in Salt Lake City, where I live now, and I just sent in an audition tape, and I guess they liked it.

12:27🔗 Caller Oh, crazy.

12:29🔗 Adam And what had you done before that? I mean, you've done some work before that, right?

12:34🔗 There's this show called Touched by an Angel that shoots in Salt Lake City, and I've been on that, like, three or four times.

12:39🔗 Adam That shoots in Salt Lake City?

12:41🔗 Oh, yeah.

12:42🔗 I had no idea.

12:45🔗 Adam So, but that was it. I mean, no feature, the experience.

12:48🔗 No, nothing up until that point.

12:51🔗 Adam I'll tell you, that part was just made for you, or you were made for that part, or I don't know how it worked, but it just worked.

12:58🔗 Best Of He's so warm.

13:00🔗 Adam He's dreamy, Julia.

13:02🔗 Well, it's just, my heart is racing.

13:05🔗 Best Of This is absolute.

13:07🔗 Adam See, that's the kind of guy you girls should be liking. You understand? Yeah, that's right. Not the bad boys. Good boys. All right, baby.

13:19🔗 Caller Thanks a lot.

13:21🔗 Adam George?

13:21🔗 Caller Yeah.

13:22🔗 Adam You're 14?

13:23🔗 Caller Yeah.

13:24🔗 Adam What's up?

13:25🔗 Caller I have a question for Tony Hawk.

13:27🔗 Adam Here he is.

13:27🔗 Caller Yeah.

13:29🔗 Caller What kept you going all of years of skating?

13:32🔗 Caller What kept me going?

13:33🔗 Yeah.

13:35🔗 Caller Learning new stuff. That's what kept me going, just always knowing that there's something new to do. There's something new to try and that's still the case. I just don't learn them as quickly as I used to.

13:46🔗 Adam Also, the 90 percent caffeine and the 10 percent MDMA.

13:49🔗 Caller Actually, staying away from that really helped me to keep going.

13:52🔗 Oh yeah, the money got him going too.

13:54🔗 Caller No, definitely not the money.

13:55🔗 Adam Yeah, not the money.

13:55🔗 Caller Because I skated through the deadest of times.

13:59🔗 Really?

14:00🔗 Caller Yeah. That's the thing. When I was a kid, people, to be a pro skater, to dream of being a pro skater, there was no financial gain of that. You know, the pro skaters were the ones that were working at skate shops.

14:12🔗 Drew The right role model for you.

14:13🔗 Caller Yeah, it was just like, it was just a title you held. Right. Yeah. I mean, nowadays, kids look at skating, they say, oh, I could be a pro skater. I could make money. I could have a career. There was no career choice.

14:23🔗 Adam Well, I mean, you got like free junk.

14:25🔗 Caller You got free junk. If you won a contest, you won 150 bucks.

14:28🔗 Adam Sounds like pretty good money. I mean.

14:30🔗 Caller And that means you maybe have to travel to Texas to get that.

14:33🔗 Adam Oh, really?

14:34🔗 Caller On your own expense.

14:35🔗 Caller You end up spending a hundred bucks.

14:36🔗 Adam You could buy seven and a half dime bags with that money.

14:40🔗 Caller Or one depends on how good it is.

14:42🔗 Caller Right.

14:43🔗 Adam George.

14:44🔗 Caller Yeah.

14:44🔗 Adam You got to keep them dreams alive, buddy. You want to be a skater?

14:47🔗 Caller Yeah.

14:48🔗 Caller Yeah. Just keep challenging yourself. You know, don't don't worry about where you stand, where you compare to everyone else. Just keep trying to keep it interesting for yourself.

14:55🔗 Caller All right.

14:56🔗 Adam That's right.

14:58🔗 Caller I have.

14:59🔗 Adam You listen, this, I got to give this out, this message out to all the kids, like like the commercials, you know, like the tennis shoe commercials. The battle goes on within yourself, man. You know what I'm saying? You're your greatest competition. That's the only thing you have to worry about until you get your ass kicked by someone else in competition. Thank you. Go ahead there, George.

15:19🔗 Caller Yeah. About the weed crap.

15:23🔗 Adam Yeah, the weed.

15:24🔗 Actually, they have like, right, the bags are a little bit smaller now.

15:28🔗 They get smaller because like it's hard to get.

15:31🔗 Adam I see.

15:31🔗 I see.

15:32🔗 Adam Yeah.

15:32🔗 Okay.

15:32🔗 Adam Bags are smaller. Inflation. So, okay.

15:36🔗 They're going to be going to 30 bucks.

15:37🔗 Adam 30. The dimes are going to 30s now.

15:39🔗 Yeah.

15:40🔗 Adam All right there, buddy. I remember you can't smoke the weed. Tony said it very well during the commercial break. You can't skate and smoke out of a bong. He said you have to get off the skateboard, get high and then get back on. You can't do it at the same time. Oops.

15:57🔗 Caller He hung up on you, dude.

15:59🔗 Drew Hey, Adam.

15:59🔗 Adam Heard enough preaching. Yeah.

16:01🔗 Drew If my kids start talking bad ass with their 13 or 14, put a bullet in my head.

16:05🔗 Adam Okay. I may do it anyway just to play it safe. All right. Yeah. And Drew, as a parent, you're going to notice when your kid turns into Spicoli at 13, right?

16:15🔗 Drew When they get dreadlocks and become pashers. Right.

16:18🔗 Adam Like when your kids start calling you dude instead of dad.

16:22🔗 Caller Maybe you're still clueless. You just think that's what's cool now. It's growing up.

16:27🔗 Drew No.

16:27🔗 Adam Drew, Drew's not going to go in for any of that.

16:29🔗 Drew No way.

16:30🔗 Adam Drew, every one of your kids is going to have two eating disorders. Is that possible? Can you have two?

16:37🔗 Drew Each of them.

16:37🔗 Adam Each of them have two. There'll be six between the three kids. We will take ourselves a little break and we'll be right back after this.

17:03🔗 Caller You're young and you are sitting pretty. This holiday season, you asked for something you totally need, cash, and all your relatives did not disappoint. You gained five pounds, all in your wallet. So when you hear this radio commercial about how Verizon Wireless is having a huge camera phone blowout, you think it's time to turn cha-ching into bling bling. You can get a new Motorola camera phone for only $49.99. $49.99, heck ol ants squeeze your cheeks, gave you more than that. This camera phone's got mad skills, pics and text messaging capabilities, speakerphone and a tight black design. You can even download games and ringtones. Plus, Verizon Wireless is America's most reliable wireless network. So you click on verizonwireless.com, call 1-800-2, join in or visit a Verizon Wireless store or a circuit city near you. Then you start the countdown to your birthday.

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18:01🔗 Caller Hi, this is Jack, founder of Jack in the Box. You're tuned to the Jack Show. Let's talk to Nathan on line four.

18:06🔗 I'm in a rut, Jack.

18:08🔗 Caller It happens, Nathan. Eating the same food over and over again. It can wear you down after a while.

18:13🔗 Drew No, I'm really in a rut.

18:15🔗 Caller That bad, huh? Yeah. Try mixing it up. I've got a great value menu with lots of variety. Two tacos, a jumbo jack, a chicken sandwich. Oh, and you know what? You're in luck, because I just added my new bacon chicken sandwich, made with a juicy chicken patty, crisp iceberg lettuce, and four pieces of mouthwatering bacon. You should try it.

18:33🔗 Caller I'm in a rut. Mile marker 17, I'm upside down.

18:37🔗 I can see the Big Dipper in the tops of some trees.

18:39🔗 Caller Could you send someone?

18:41🔗 Caller I'd like to, but we don't deliver. And while Nathan tries to get out of his rut, here's Melissa Reed, a real life crew member from Kingwood, Texas.

18:48🔗 Caller Jack's added something new to his value menu. The bacon chicken sandwich, a juicy patty, crisp iceberg lettuce, and four pieces of mouthwatering bacon. Try one and get out of your rut.

19:00🔗 Caller I got home and my answering machine was blinking. When I returned the call, my friend said, I've got something to tell you and you'd better sit down. He said that my fiance was taken from me. My entire body went numb. It takes a long time for it to sink in that someone's not there anymore. I'm getting better but I'm still angry. I mean, what would you do if a guy stole the love of your life?

19:24🔗 Caller That's the Axe Effect, Axe deodorant body spray.

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20:00🔗 Caller So I'm watching TV with Lamar and he tells me to put the game on. So I tell him, you put the game on. My hands are full. And he says, then put down your McDonald's double quarter pounder with cheeseburger and change the channel. And I say, you put down your double quarter pounder with cheese. So he says, fine. We'll just sit here and watch couples figure skating until one of us is done. Of course the double QPC sandwich is not only tasty but stacked so it took a while. But now I know what a triple Saukow is.

20:23🔗 Caller McDonald's double QPC, pound one.

20:27🔗 Caller I'm loving it.

20:30🔗 Caller So I'm all amped up for the game and kicking back with a McDonald's double quarter pounder with cheese burger. And that fool Rick is letting us watch couples figure skating. He's just sitting there while some weirdos dance around in ballet tights. So I tell him to hit the clicker and he says his hands are full of double QPC salad. Am I to set down my tasty burger? Thought not. So we watched for 10 minutes till he finished. But I got to say, it really is a beautiful sport.

21:19🔗 Adam Well, it's the best of the best of the best of Loveline. We've been a do to Tony Hawk and Patrick. Now, it's time to bring up a guy who's nuts, but nuts in a good way.

21:32🔗 Drew Best possible way. Yeah, yeah. And we explained that to him a number of times.

21:36🔗 Adam Yeah, yeah. It's starting to get insulting for him now.

21:39🔗 Drew I'm not sure if he appreciates it or not.

21:40🔗 Adam All right, well, I'll still label him as a dear, dear friend.

21:44🔗 Drew Yes.

21:44🔗 Adam David Arquette. David Arquette is our guest tonight. Aliyah?

21:49🔗 Yeah.

21:49🔗 Adam You're 20?

21:51🔗 Caller What's up?

21:52🔗 Me and my boyfriend have been dating for about five years. We have a daughter that just turned three. And my sister, when she comes, we go and pick her up out of town. She'll stay a couple of nights, we'll drink, smoke a little weed. But my boyfriend and her have sex together.

22:14🔗 Drew Perfectly normal.

22:15🔗 Adam Your boyfriend and your sister have sex?

22:17🔗 Yeah, I watch.

22:18🔗 Drew And the father of your child? Good times.

22:20🔗 Caller Yeah.

22:21🔗 Drew Where's the kid during all this?

22:23🔗 Oh my gosh, she's sleeping.

22:24🔗 Drew Oh, of course, of course. She would have never understood that.

22:27🔗 Adam All right.

22:28🔗 But like I watch him give her head and me and her have given him head together.

22:34🔗 Drew Your sister.

22:36🔗 Right.

22:36🔗 Adam You and your sister.

22:37🔗 Drew Did somebody section?

22:38🔗 Yeah, like me and my sister have never messed around. We don't touch each other or anything.

22:42🔗 Adam Yeah, but hold on, hold on. Let me say this. The penis, like you know how water conducts electricity? I mean, if you're in a tub and someone throws a space heater in it, it doesn't matter if the space heater touches you.

22:53🔗 Drew You get electrocuted.

22:53🔗 Adam That's the way. Same thing with the penis.

22:55🔗 Drew You throw it in the room.

22:55🔗 Adam If you're licking on one side of a penis and someone else is licking on the other side of penis, that means you two are making out. There's conductivity between of the phallus.

23:04🔗 Drew Yeah, but it's more than making out.

23:06🔗 Adam I know, but I mean, you and your sister would be better off making out than having a penis separated.

23:12🔗 Drew That is incest. You throw a penis into the room and you guys are making out. You know what I'm saying?

23:17🔗 Adam If you're in the tub and someone throws a penis in the tub.

23:19🔗 That's it. That's it.

23:20🔗 Drew You're making out.

23:21🔗 Adam Oh my God. See, she's calling from Florida and I contend this is average behavior. No, this is considered modest behavior by Floridian's standards.

23:32🔗 Drew Aliyah, were the two of you or either of you sexually abused growing up or did you have bad boundaries with your parents?

23:38🔗 No, my father was never even there and actually, well, I guess you can call it abuse, but me and my mom and my sister, I mean, we all smoked weed together and we drank together and my mom was like the neighborhood cool mom.

23:53🔗 Drew Yeah, how old were you when that all started?

23:57🔗 Adam Cool when you're 11, but as soon as you hit 18, you realize she's just a loser.

24:03🔗 Caller About 12, 13.

24:06🔗 Drew Would any of her loser friends come around and do weird stuff with you guys?

24:09🔗 Caller The only, it only happened one time, but I mean, my mom called the police, had him arrested and he was actually like a police athletic league guy.

24:17🔗 Drew What happened?

24:18🔗 Caller I was sleeping on the couch and I'm very hard sleeper and all I know is that I woke up and my pants and my underwear were down around my knees and I jumped up because I was like 14 or 15. I was really scared and I went and told my mom and he tried to act like he was sleeping and he didn't want to get up off the couch and I said, well, mom, pull the blanket down because I knew he was naked. And she pulled the blanket down and he was naked and she told me to lock the doors and she called the cops.

24:47🔗 Drew Lock the doors so he couldn't escape.

24:50🔗 Caller Yeah, she didn't want to try to leave.

24:51🔗 Drew Because he couldn't unlock the door, I guess.

24:53🔗 Caller Well, no, my mom's boyfriend was standing in one door. My mom was in front of the other. She's a pretty big woman. So I don't think he could have gotten through her.

24:59🔗 Adam Hold on. I'm getting quite an image of this mama. Part linebacker, part drug dealer, all cool. Picture this woman blocking the door with a joint hanging out of her mouth, wearing a pair of those stretch pants.

25:15🔗 What's going on here? Dammit, Smitty. I can't believe you did this to my daughter.

25:23🔗 Adam I told you the second time you fingered my daughter, you're out.

25:27🔗 Now I'm calling the police.

25:29🔗 Adam Aliyah, this is a disaster. Did you really need to have a kid? Please. You've got to be a horrible mother, possibly worse than your own.

25:41🔗 Caller Are you kidding me?

25:44🔗 Adam No, I'm just kidding.

25:46🔗 Drew Well, you're carrying on with your sister, you have a bizarre relationship with your boyfriend who is a child's father.

25:53🔗 Caller We don't mess around with other couples, we're not swingers.

25:56🔗 Caller Look.

25:58🔗 Adam That would be a great step up if you pulled around with strangers.

26:03🔗 Caller No.

26:04🔗 Adam Hold on a second, I can't get over this. It's not like we swing, it's not like we invite other couples.

26:10🔗 Drew We just have sex with family members.

26:12🔗 Adam I just blow them with my sisters. What's that? Yeah. Okay, baby.

26:19🔗 Drew We got some problems, Aliyah. You don't perceive normal boundaries.

26:23🔗 Caller Yeah. You need boundaries.

26:25🔗 Caller Yeah. It's mainly to Dr. Drew because I guess he deals with like the psychological or whatever.

26:31🔗 Caller Well, go ahead.

26:32🔗 Caller I was wondering, is there anything wrong with me not having, not getting jealous or not having a problem?

26:38🔗 Drew There's something wrong with you in that you're engaged in this entire situation.

26:41🔗 Caller Really?

26:42🔗 Drew And you don't seem to perceive the emotional impact and the violation of normal boundaries. And the necessary impact would have on your child that you carry on this kind of relationship.

26:54🔗 Caller Well, it's not like it's going to last forever.

26:57🔗 Adam Yeah, but it doesn't matter how long it goes on. Your kid has a mom who thought this was a good idea one time.

27:04🔗 Drew This is who you are now.

27:05🔗 Caller No, not that it was a good idea. I don't, if I heard it coming from somebody else, I'd be like, whoa.

27:11🔗 Drew Then why do you allow it to go on?

27:12🔗 Caller It happened.

27:13🔗 Drew Then why do you allow it to go on?

27:16🔗 Caller It hasn't happened recently.

27:18🔗 Adam Okay, baby.

27:19🔗 Caller All right.

27:20🔗 Adam Hey, listen, I want to guess your husband's profession. I'm guessing it has something to do with tar or asphalt.

27:26🔗 Caller He's a mechanic.

27:28🔗 Adam Oh, he works around metal.

27:30🔗 Caller Yeah.

27:30🔗 Adam Yeah. That's always a kiss of death working around metal. What kind, diesel mechanic?

27:35🔗 Caller No, car.

27:36🔗 Adam Okay. Okay. Listen, do not get pregnant again.

27:41🔗 Caller I'm on the shot, so.

27:42🔗 Adam Please.

27:42🔗 Drew Good.

27:43🔗 Adam Please double down on that shot. Okay. You come from a crazy environment where there wasn't too many boundaries. It's time to stop that.

27:50🔗 Caller What's the boundary?

27:53🔗 Adam I think she is asking.

27:54🔗 Drew Yeah. Where there are sort of perceptions of what the limits of self and reasonable behaviors are.

28:01🔗 Adam I can't get over this. You and your sister perform fellatio on this guy?

28:06🔗 Caller Not at the same time.

28:07🔗 Adam I thought you said you did it at the same time.

28:09🔗 Caller Which? Like we don't go both down there and go licking them everywhere. Like she'll give them.

28:14🔗 Adam She'll give it to them. Then you do.

28:15🔗 Caller Exactly.

28:16🔗 Adam Okay.

28:16🔗 Caller Exactly. It's not like we're down there kissing each other's tongues and.

28:19🔗 Adam Right, right. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I thought that's different. I didn't know you guys were tagging out before the next one. Jesus Christ. I wouldn't share a teacup with my sister. I'd have to throw it in the fireplace. Seriously, if she hands me a cup of throw it in the fireplace.

28:40🔗 Drew I don't doubt it.

28:41🔗 Caller That's what I do.

28:42🔗 Adam Holy Christ. I still contend this is average Florida behavior.

28:47🔗 Drew David, an interesting story growing up about boundaries and stuff. You were raised in a commune type setting originally. It was some Maharishi's concept you guys were following.

28:58🔗 Caller Yeah, this is this Indonesian guy. It was sort of just a spiritual philosophy.

29:02🔗 Drew What was the name?

29:03🔗 Caller His name was Bapak.

29:05🔗 Adam Where was it?

29:06🔗 Caller It was, well, I was born in Virginia on this commune called Skymont.

29:11🔗 Adam You were born on the commune?

29:13🔗 Caller Yeah.

29:14🔗 Adam What year was that?

29:15🔗 Caller Because it's 71.

29:17🔗 Adam You got screwed. 71 was just the height of the crap era. No one had a good idea in 71. Every car was bad, all the architecture was bad.

29:26🔗 Caller All that stuff is great.

29:27🔗 Caller It's all horrible.

29:28🔗 Adam No, it's the best. The music is pretty good, but all the ideas are horrible.

29:32🔗 Caller I've been tainted because I love big collars and platform shoes.

29:36🔗 Drew Just look at the architecture. Just think of the architecture.

29:39🔗 I love the architecture.

29:41🔗 Adam What architecture? Flat roofs with white rocks on them and aluminum windows.

29:46🔗 Caller No, it was the beginning of modernism as we know it. I mean, it was just, you know, just coming out of modernism.

29:51🔗 Adam I'm just saying if you were born in 81, your parents wouldn't have been on that commune.

29:58🔗 Caller One day they said, please come from Indonesia and see what we've built here. He comes and he's like, this is not what this philosophy is about. You're supposed to become closer to God and bring your spirituality out into the world. Yeah. If you're an actor, go where actors are.

30:17🔗 Drew Go work.

30:18🔗 Caller Really?

30:18🔗 Drew Nobody wanted to work in that commune.

30:20🔗 Caller Well, I don't know what the hell they were doing.

30:24🔗 Drew Isn't that Islamic movement in India?

30:26🔗 Caller It was Islamic, Buddhist and Hindu.

30:30🔗 Adam So you got the guy finally to come out to the United States to see what you're doing, and he didn't like it. No. Did he break it up? Did it break up immediately?

30:39🔗 Drew Did he like walking and look around, go, what the hell is going on here?

30:42🔗 Caller Exactly. He said, what are you doing? And everyone moves.

30:47🔗 Adam Wow.

30:49🔗 Caller Well, the boundaries were really screwed too.

30:52🔗 Drew The kids were just running around wild.

30:53🔗 Caller Yeah.

30:54🔗 Adam You were just, you were just.

30:55🔗 Caller And like, I mean, the philosophy of the spirituality and the whole thing is a good philosophy, but it also attracts a lot of people in crisis. So there's all these sort of wackos around too.

31:06🔗 Adam Yeah. I grew up in a free range environment myself. A lot of went to an alternative school.

31:13🔗 Caller Me too.

31:13🔗 Adam Called the teachers by the first names, Chuck Dirtclads.

31:16🔗 I did too. Just walk around.

31:19🔗 Adam You really, it's like Lord of the Flies. You don't, you don't learn anything. It's like, here's one.

31:24🔗 Caller Did you go to? Oh, I went to a bunch of them.

31:27🔗 Adam Yeah. It's crazy. You just, the whole thing was.

31:30🔗 Drew In 81, you wouldn't have been going to any of those either.

31:33🔗 Adam No, I wouldn't have. No, this was 71. I mean, it's the same kind of thing. It was, it was if a child wants to learn, he'll learn. And if he doesn't want to learn, that's his prerogative. You can't foist your words on him. You go up to him and ask him what he feels like doing. And of course, I said, I wanted, I felt like wrestling and throwing dirt clods. I was seven. I don't feel like sitting down and learning vowels and consonants and all that. And consequently, I never learned any of that stuff. And, and, and they always threatened you to, always threatened to throw you into public school. And I thought public school was like Auschwitz or something. They were like...

32:10🔗 Drew Well, the way you describe it, ultimately, you did live that kind of life in public school, didn't you?

32:14🔗 Adam Well, public school, I got to public school. It was like a lot of blacktop, chain link. And the whole essence of public school to me was hitting another kid with a ball. That's basically what every game could be distilled down to. Who could get hit with a utility ball? That's it. I wouldn't have flown at the free range school because you don't, you know, violence, competitiveness. No, no, man. Hang out and fire up the potter's wheel. See what you can do. I guess it worked though.

32:46🔗 Drew Just throw the clay, literally.

32:48🔗 Adam Yeah.

32:49🔗 Caller Judy.

32:51🔗 Adam So you're 15, you're a virgin. You want to know if it's a good idea to date a guy who's not a virgin.

32:58🔗 Caller Well, yeah, and then also, like, I'm like, I have standards for myself and whatnot, and I was wondering what it would do when you get it, like, to tell him or if I would just be completely wasting my time.

33:12🔗 Drew To tell this guy that you're not going to have sex with him.

33:15🔗 Best Of Yeah.

33:16🔗 Drew Are you already dating him?

33:18🔗 Best Of Yeah.

33:19🔗 Adam How old is the guy?

33:20🔗 Caller 17.

33:21🔗 Adam 17.

33:22🔗 Drew And I understand. I understand what you're asking.

33:25🔗 Adam Well, she wants to know should she be up front with the guy and tell him, look, you're not getting laid.

33:30🔗 Drew To see if he really sticks around or what would your.

33:33🔗 Caller Well, I want to know if I'm wasting my time. I want to know if he's in it for.

33:37🔗 Drew I see. So you want to see, you want to test the relationship.

33:40🔗 Caller Exactly.

33:41🔗 Adam Yeah. This is a thought that women have, the guys don't have. I don't want to waste my time. What? First off, what are you chicks doing that's so important, by the way, besides just hanging out? I never see you doing anything. What time do you have?

33:55🔗 Drew That's their biological clock ticking away, Adam.

33:58🔗 Adam I know. You're worried about it. We talk about this all time. Women will go, break up with the guys. Abusive. You're going off to college. He's staying back home. It's not worth it. They go, then I would have wasted the last four years of my life. It's like, no, not wasted. You understand? It's like a bad job. You don't say, I'm not going to quit because I would have wasted the last four years of my life. You can't get out of that job fast enough.

34:23🔗 Drew Or you look at whatever part of it you did enjoy or did whatever for you, and then you go on to something better.

34:28🔗 Adam Judy, you're 15. Don't think so hard about this. If you like the guy, if he's a good guy, if you're attracted to him, you date him. You don't let him boink you, that's all.

34:38🔗 Drew Yeah. Just don't get yourself in situations where you might try to overpower you or where you're alone, that kind of thing. Just be careful.

34:45🔗 Caller Let him know you're a virgin, that's for sure.

34:47🔗 Adam Yeah. Yeah. But I agree with Drew. Don't let him try any magic tricks on you, like where he duct tapes your mouth shut and you're put together blindfolded and stuff, and puts you in a trunk with one hole in it.

34:57🔗 Caller All right.

34:58🔗 Caller All right. Thank you.

34:59🔗 Adam All right there, Judy. Hey, good times. When are you going to lose your virginity?

35:05🔗 Caller I have no idea.

35:06🔗 Adam All right. But you're not waiting till you get married?

35:09🔗 Caller I'm going to try really hard.

35:11🔗 Adam Okay. What about oral sex?

35:14🔗 Caller I don't know.

35:15🔗 Adam Okay. Play that by play by mouth? Yeah.

35:19🔗 Drew For now.

35:19🔗 Adam All right. Good times. Good. Good times. Take care of yourself. I give her a fifteen and a half. No, no. She'll be fine. She's got standards. That's what I hated. That's the number one. It's got boundaries. That's the number one thing I hated in a woman was standards in high school. Michelle or Michael.

35:40🔗 Drew Because then they wouldn't date you.

35:41🔗 Caller Yes.

35:42🔗 Adam Yeah, I couldn't date. No one wanted to date me ever. Michael, you're eighteen.

35:46🔗 Caller Yes.

35:46🔗 Adam What's up?

35:49🔗 Caller Well, it's like you guys keep getting calls from like teenagers that like they've had like anal sex for the past seven years and stuff. And I was just wondering.

36:01🔗 Caller Like that last caller.

36:02🔗 Drew Yeah, the virgin we just talked to.

36:03🔗 Adam She was out of control.

36:05🔗 Caller Yeah. I was just wondering because I'm trying to practice abstinence.

36:08🔗 Drew You're gay.

36:09🔗 Adam Drew, please.

36:10🔗 Caller I'm sorry.

36:11🔗 Caller And it just seems like it's kind of hard doing it when like a lot of other teenagers are just like letting it happen, I guess. Right.

36:19🔗 Drew Well, are they really? A lot of them?

36:21🔗 Caller Well, I mean.

36:23🔗 Adam Seven years of anal sex, you heard him.

36:26🔗 Caller Yeah. Well, it just seems like nobody really takes priorities or.

36:32🔗 Drew Nobody?

36:32🔗 Caller Takes a serious.

36:33🔗 Adam Oh, Drew, would you shut up? Stop busting the guy's ass.

36:35🔗 Caller No.

36:35🔗 Drew I mean, I wonder what the social norm is for other 18-year-olds or 17-year-olds.

36:39🔗 Adam Well, here's the way. I believe it's the same as it always was. In high school, or at least in my high school, there was like eight guys who were getting laid constantly, and then there was the other 1,200 of us who were just home crying, beating off every night. Do you know what I mean? There's the guys who got it, the guys that don't. It's like there's one quarterback on the varsity football team, and then there's the rest of the guys.

37:03🔗 Caller Which, yeah, that was another problem because I don't masturbate.

37:07🔗 Adam No. Now, why not? You just...

37:11🔗 Caller Well, I mean, my dad kind of left me when I was 7, and I kind of got back with him when I was 16. So I kind of lost that, I guess, role model. So I never really learned how to do it. So I just don't do it.

37:28🔗 Drew What do you think, Guy?

37:29🔗 Adam Hold on a sec. Drew, David, you remember when your dad sat down with a tub of Jergens and a roll of paper towels and taught you how to beat off?

37:38🔗 Drew Yeah, that was...

37:39🔗 Adam Yeah, I was 13.

37:41🔗 Drew Wait a moment.

37:41🔗 Adam Thank God I got a picture. I got stuff on the mantle. He's passed away, but I tell you, I keep that picture in my wallet.

37:49🔗 Caller Come here, son.

37:50🔗 Drew Think of it as these days, too, the video hand, the handicam, mini cams, handicams.

37:55🔗 Adam Son, now this is my Jack Bim. Your grandfather strewn it across his chest, and his grandfather brought it to World War I, put it across his chest, and now I'm passing it on to you. Now, what you want to do is, well, back in the day, we used to use lard or goose fat.

38:18🔗 Caller Hey, Smitty, come over here.

38:20🔗 Caller Show my son how to stroke it.

38:24🔗 Caller Jesus.

38:29🔗 Caller Now, not so fast, son. It's not a race.

38:34🔗 Adam That's right.

38:34🔗 Caller That's right.

38:35🔗 Adam Hold on. Hold on. Move aside. Let daddy slide in there. There you go. Just till you get the rhythm. Nice and easy.

38:42🔗 Caller Nice and easy. You got that?

38:44🔗 Adam All right. Carry on. All right. Now, you'll be doing that about eight times a week for the rest of your life. All right. Michael? Yeah. Sorry about that. I never even talked to my dad about it. I never talked to my dad about anything from the age of 13 on. If I heard him coming up the hall while I was beating off, I'd wrap myself in a cocoon with my comfort and pretended I was dead. Not sleeping, dead. I was actually going to put fake blood on my forehead and knocked over the lamp. Because they knew if I was sleeping, I still could have been beating off, but if I was dead, he couldn't catch me. All right. This is no excuse. What's going on with you? Are you religious?

39:30🔗 Yes.

39:32🔗 Adam All right. Well, no sex.

39:34🔗 Drew Were you taught not to masturbate?

39:36🔗 Caller Not that I know of.

39:38🔗 Drew No one mentioned this to you. All right. Do you have sexual urges?

39:43🔗 Caller Yes.

39:44🔗 Drew Do you have erections normally? Like when you wake up in the morning, that sort of thing?

39:47🔗 Caller Yes.

39:48🔗 Adam Okay.

39:48🔗 Drew Do you have wet dreams?

39:51🔗 Caller I try not to.

39:52🔗 Adam I know, but you have no choice, right?

39:55🔗 Caller Right.

39:55🔗 Drew Yeah.

39:56🔗 Adam That's God giving you a handy, by the way.

39:58🔗 Caller Yeah.

39:58🔗 Drew If God meant it not to happen, it wouldn't be happening. The biology requires it.

40:03🔗 Adam What about this? The God's whole problem with you beating off is you're wasting your seed, right? Yep. Well, then, why would God build in a mechanism where you waste your seed on to your mattress or comforter in the middle of the night without your hands? It doesn't seem like it's a good plan. Like God had a flawed plan in terms of the human anatomy. You know what I'm saying, Michael? Okay, but all right, good times. Good times. I don't know what his question was.

40:34🔗 Caller Michael, get yourself a can of lighter fluid and a road flare. And then you sit down and you pour the lighter fluid all over your genitalia.

40:47🔗 Adam You understand, Michael? No, don't do that. Look, if you don't want to have sex, don't have sex. You don't want to beat off, don't beat off. We don't care. Do whatever you want. That's fine. Don't worry about what everyone else is doing.

41:01🔗 Caller And is it wrong that I think he should? Light himself on fire? No, no, no, no, no, sir. No, no. They should masturbate, yeah.

41:08🔗 Adam Well, here, yeah. Okay, let me say a few choice words about Michael. Michael is smart because Michael wasn't going to get laid anyway. Do you know what I'm saying?

41:18🔗 Drew So he can blame it on this.

41:20🔗 Adam God damn, I wish I had something to blame it on through high school. There's nothing worse than wanting to get laid, making it known that you want to get laid and not getting laid. You don't come across that good. But Michael has a very convenient excuse. I could tell by Michael's voice he wasn't going to get a lick of trim anyway through high school. At least now he's got God on his side. But now is the problem, and this is the problem with religion. All right, Michael, you don't want to get laid. You don't want to be off. Fine, that's according with your, in accordance with your religion. But now you got to start looking for others and seeing what they're doing. And that's the problem. You see, he wants to know what's going on with everyone else. Just leave it alone. Hey, you don't want to get laid. You don't want to be off. Fine, I'll see you up on the bell tower shooting at the kids in a few years. But leave everyone else alone. That's their business, right? And I would suggest a little beating off because you will go insane as an 18 year old. I mean, Drew, how pent up are you going to be? That's how fogged is your thinking going to be?

42:25🔗 Drew Well, you must sort of hit some sort of ninja zone at some point. You must sort of fall into some sort of zone. I mean, it's like G. Gordon Liddy, Liddy holding his hand off flame. Eventually you're able to do it.

42:36🔗 Caller Right.

42:36🔗 Drew And your testosterone levels will drop and the sperm production will drop a little bit. Not completely, but it will fall off.

42:43🔗 Caller Okay.

42:43🔗 Drew So, your body helps you a little bit that way.

42:46🔗 Caller Okay.

42:46🔗 Drew You're listening to the best of Loveline. We'll be right back with David Arquette after this.

42:51🔗 Caller Thank you for calling Loveline.

42:52🔗 Caller Your call will be answered in the order it seems interesting.

43:20🔗 Drew It is still the best of Loveline, and we're going on with more David Arquette.

43:25🔗 Adam Take ourselves, and then again, every guy I know beats off twice a day. Are they going to hell?

43:32🔗 Drew Well, every guy you know.

43:33🔗 Adam All right, every guy I know, true. What about David Arquette? He's not going to hell, and he beats off constantly. Constantly, non-stop.

43:40🔗 Caller I'm beating on front now. Smitty.

43:44🔗 Adam Now, son, a spit in the hand will suffice in a camping trip, or if the car breaks down and you're not in the presence of lube. Now, what you want to do is lean back. Well, first, let's stretch the calves out, because you are liable to pull a muscle, especially if you flex your toes. Now, keep in mind, we did not have the aid of DVDs, satellite, or cable TV, much less the Internet. No, your father had to look at a picture on a raft box of a chick in a bikini floating in a kidney bean-shaped pool.

44:18🔗 Drew Oh, great-grandpa Stu had to draw a picture on a piece of barf with chalk.

44:21🔗 Adam He used a burnt piece of stick from the fire to draw something that resembled a butt cheek on a piece of birch bark. And that's all he had. He used to use the light of the moon to illuminate it.

44:34🔗 Caller Grab that National Geographic and bring it over here.

44:38🔗 Caller Yeah, yeah, yeah, now son, look at those milkers. Now I know she's a...

44:48🔗 Adam Adrian?

44:49🔗 Caller Yeah, hi.

44:50🔗 Adam Hey, you're 16?

44:51🔗 Caller Yep.

44:52🔗 Adam What's up?

44:53🔗 Caller Huh?

44:54🔗 Adam What's going on?

44:55🔗 Caller Well, I'm thinking about getting my clitoris pierced and I just want to know if it's a good idea or not.

44:59🔗 Adam I did it and it got infected.

45:02🔗 Caller Oh, well.

45:02🔗 Drew And then your clitoris got desensitized too, didn't it?

45:05🔗 Adam Yeah, it had to double down on the vibrator.

45:08🔗 Drew Yeah, and then you were just all done, completely done.

45:10🔗 Caller That's right.

45:12🔗 Adam Now I'm a nipple man.

45:13🔗 Caller Oh, okay.

45:14🔗 Adam So you're 16, you want to get this done, huh?

45:17🔗 Caller Yeah.

45:17🔗 Adam What's up, baby? What happened to you?

45:20🔗 Caller Nothing.

45:21🔗 Adam Something.

45:22🔗 Caller No.

45:22🔗 Adam Who didn't pay attention to you at least?

45:24🔗 Drew No, no, I guess there's a certain amount of little girl voice here.

45:26🔗 Adam It's got the girl voice too, yeah. Molestation? Molestation?

45:30🔗 Caller No.

45:31🔗 Adam Come on.

45:31🔗 Caller Nothing like that.

45:32🔗 Adam Where's daddy?

45:34🔗 Caller He's home, in the other room.

45:37🔗 Adam Drunk, passed out?

45:39🔗 Caller Sleeping.

45:41🔗 Adam And when did you lose your virginity?

45:43🔗 Caller Where's my bourbon?

45:45🔗 Caller Um, a couple months ago.

45:48🔗 Adam That's it, huh? Ah, I'm going to play New Angle. Religious parents?

45:53🔗 Caller No.

45:54🔗 Adam Hm. How's mom?

45:57🔗 Caller Parents still together? Are they jewelers?

46:00🔗 Adam No, let's see. Let me get a stud in there.

46:04🔗 Drew No physical abuse?

46:05🔗 Adam No physical abuse?

46:06🔗 Caller No.

46:07🔗 Drew Nobody ever hit you?

46:08🔗 Caller No.

46:09🔗 Adam And, uh, you just want to get the hood pierced?

46:12🔗 Caller Yeah. Well, my friend did it, and he said it really helps. So.

46:15🔗 Adam What if...

46:16🔗 Drew Oh, no, whoa, whoa, no. Wait a minute. If the deal here is that you're concerned that you didn't have an orgasm during the intercourse or that wasn't that pleasurable, and that a clitoral piercing is going to somehow help that, you can forget about it. Do you understand that?

46:32🔗 Caller Yeah. I mean, I had fun. My friend just said it made, like, yeah, she got it and she said it helped and it made it more...

46:36🔗 Drew I understand. But if you're looking for help in that regard, this is not the way to go. Do you understand that?

46:43🔗 Caller Yeah.

46:44🔗 Caller Hmm.

46:47🔗 Adam What's up? How are you doing at school?

46:49🔗 Caller I'm good. I'm actually a 4.0 student.

46:52🔗 Drew All right. So, realize that most women you're raised do not have orgasm, okay? And those that do, don't typically have it during intercourse, piercing or not.

47:04🔗 Adam You have a boyfriend?

47:06🔗 Caller Yeah.

47:06🔗 Drew And the piercing might actually desensitize you ultimately and make it even more difficult.

47:10🔗 Caller Oh, really?

47:11🔗 Drew Ultimately.

47:12🔗 Caller All right.

47:13🔗 Adam I don't know. We had a bogus call.

47:15🔗 Caller Okay.

47:16🔗 Adam I think this is bogus. Yeah, it could be. Yeah.

47:18🔗 Caller Oh, gee, thanks.

47:20🔗 Adam Yeah. I think you're making this one up.

47:22🔗 Caller Not really.

47:24🔗 Adam I don't know. It's not coming together. 4.0, parents still together.

47:31🔗 Drew It does come together for me because sometimes when... Let me put her on hold for a second and talk behind her back.

47:34🔗 Adam All right.

47:35🔗 Drew Sometimes when women are super... When the parents are ultra-super controlling and intrusive, I have parents who...

47:44🔗 Adam Intrusive parents.

47:45🔗 Drew Super controlling except they're cool because we can talk about sex with our kids. We're going to talk about it and that's going to be okay. The kids just go, hey, that's my way out.

47:53🔗 Adam All right. Your parents controlling?

47:57🔗 Caller A little. Not too bad though.

47:59🔗 Adam Is there a doctor or an attorney in the family?

48:02🔗 Caller Yeah. My dad's lawyer and my mom's lawyer.

48:05🔗 Adam That's abuse. That's abuse.

48:08🔗 Caller Okay.

48:08🔗 Adam Now, now it's starting. Drew, good call. Starting to come together. Yeah. Sorry about the doctor thing, Drew. I'm an attorney.

48:15🔗 Drew I get it.

48:16🔗 Adam Yeah. Those are horrible, horrible people, attorneys. They shouldn't be able to raise hamsters, those people.

48:23🔗 Drew Well, a few seconds ago you said your parents were great. Now you agree they're horrible people?

48:26🔗 Caller Well, they're not horrible. They're just kind of use big words and stuff.

48:31🔗 Adam It's time to do something that would piss them off.

48:34🔗 Drew Well, except they probably talked to her about this.

48:36🔗 Adam No, no, they did not. No, this isn't liberal.

48:40🔗 Drew No, no, it's not liberal. It's not liberal.

48:41🔗 Adam Do your parents talk to you about sex?

48:43🔗 Caller Um, it doesn't really come up. I mean, like, they don't avoid it if it comes up, but it just never really comes up.

48:49🔗 Caller Do you have your belly button pierced or anything like that?

48:51🔗 Caller Yeah, I have my belly button pierced.

48:52🔗 Adam Did your parents find out about that?

48:54🔗 Caller Yeah.

48:55🔗 Drew Yeah, they're fine. They're cool.

48:56🔗 Adam Are they? Would you shut up, Drew? Are they okay with that?

48:59🔗 Caller Um, well, my mom thinks it's cute. My dad kind of got pissed, but he's over it.

49:04🔗 Adam I think this is her sort of saying, you think you can control me? Well, let's see about that. It's a little, it's a way to strike out.

49:14🔗 Drew It's that, but there's such an underdeveloped self doing it that she's sort of even confused about doing it. You see what I'm saying?

49:22🔗 Adam Yeah.

49:22🔗 Drew It's like something's wrong here, I better put some metal down there and make it work. Because this isn't going.

49:28🔗 Caller I'm not going down that route.

49:29🔗 Adam I think it's her parents are perfect. They want her to be perfect. She's got to get to 4.0. She's got to go off to Stanford or Berkeley or UCLA. And now she's saying, I'm going to assert myself and do something crazy. Yeah.

49:42🔗 Caller You got to wait till it gets.

49:43🔗 Drew It's a little abusive though, right? It's just also the kids that get physically abused or physically abused do the same kind of thinking, right?

49:50🔗 Adam Yeah.

49:50🔗 Drew It's the same thing.

49:51🔗 Adam But it's not going on here.

49:52🔗 Drew But it's the same. It's the same kind of emotional.

49:56🔗 Adam I'm done with you. I'm done with you, Drew.

49:57🔗 Caller I think she should wait till it gets ugly, until she, you know, then pretty it up. Wait till you're like 46.

50:05🔗 Adam It's a good point. Yeah. Don't paint the car on the way home from the dealer. Wait till you get a few dings in it and some rust on the quarter panel. Then you give it a nice paint job. All right, baby. Hey, good times.

50:17🔗 Drew How about birth control?

50:19🔗 Adam What about the birth control?

50:21🔗 Caller What are we doing here?

50:23🔗 Drew Condoms.

50:24🔗 Adam We'll take ourselves a little break and we'll be right back.

50:28🔗 Caller All right, guys.

50:29🔗 Caller Here's the deal.

50:30🔗 Caller You're looking to hook up?

50:31🔗 Caller Sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

50:33🔗 One call is all you need to make.

50:35🔗 Caller Call the Dateline.

50:36🔗 Caller 877-889-DATE.

50:39🔗 1-800-CALL-UP-LINE.

50:54🔗 Adam Hey, yo, it's the best of the best of the best of Loveline. We say goodbye to David Arquette, Tony Hawk and Patrick Fugit.

51:01🔗 Caller Fugit.

51:03🔗 Adam And welcome. A dear, dear friend, believe it or not.

51:06🔗 Drew I think you ran into him on an airplane and talked to him into doing this.

51:08🔗 Adam No.

51:09🔗 Drew No?

51:10🔗 Caller No.

51:11🔗 Adam I met him on an airplane. No, I met Alec Baldwin in an airport, in an airplane, but he came up to me.

51:18🔗 Drew And he wanted to do the show.

51:19🔗 Adam And he, no, well, yeah, he is a fan of the show. And then, well, his, he has a driver who tapes all the shows and then plays it for Alec when he drives him around. But then he started calling me and stuff on my cell phone. It was crazy. And he was nice enough to come in here on his 44th birthday.

51:39🔗 Caller Alec Baldwin is joining us in the studio. The king of all Baldwin. With nothing to plug.

51:45🔗 Adam Let's talk to Meredith, who's 20. Meredith.

51:49🔗 Best Of My question is about my boyfriend. He has, I want to say, almost a third testicle, but not really.

51:57🔗 Drew Well, this is where her fund of knowledge begins to break down. Okay. And they're gone.

52:01🔗 Adam Is it it's in the sack with the other two?

52:03🔗 Best Of Yeah. And it kind of it's been there for about six months.

52:07🔗 Drew And why hasn't he had this checked out?

52:10🔗 Best Of He he's missed two doctor's appointments because of work and stuff. And I was just wondering if you knew off hand what it could be.

52:19🔗 Drew Yeah, there's a lot of possibilities, Meredith.

52:20🔗 Best Of Something really serious.

52:21🔗 Drew It could be. If it feels hard and sort of rock like, it can be cancer. It could be a hernia. It could be a cystosil, spermatosil, varicoseal. There's all kinds of things that can get going in there, and some of which are harmless, some of which can affect fertility and some of which are very serious.

52:36🔗 Adam Yeah. So they're all sort of funny, though.

52:38🔗 Drew Yeah.

52:39🔗 Adam Initially, at least.

52:40🔗 Drew Yeah.

52:40🔗 Adam The third ball scenario is a funny one.

52:43🔗 Caller I think that's kind of odd, though, like what guy gets a third ball and right away he's thinking, hey, it's a third ball. Like their mind doesn't say, oh, it's cancer or it's varicocele. They're going, wow, lucky me.

52:53🔗 Adam Cool.

52:53🔗 Caller Yeah.

52:54🔗 Right.

52:54🔗 Caller It's an opportunity.

52:55🔗 Adam It's like if someone cramped in their change purse, they'd feel the weight and go, there must be more change.

53:00🔗 Drew Yeah.

53:01🔗 Caller I'm in the money.

53:02🔗 Yeah.

53:03🔗 Adam We're going to the arcade.

53:06🔗 Drew So we're going to take him on in, okay? He's got to get this checked out.

53:08🔗 Best Of Okay.

53:09🔗 Adam All right.

53:10🔗 Best Of All right. Thank you.

53:11🔗 Drew Good news about testicular cancer, even if that's what it is, it is highly, highly curable.

53:15🔗 Adam It is. Is that one of the ones that's better than what?

53:20🔗 Drew That's one of the best ones.

53:21🔗 Adam It is.

53:22🔗 Caller What's the worst one?

53:23🔗 Drew They add the solid tumors, adenos, adenol, lung, pancreas, pretty much any brain tumor.

53:29🔗 Adam But they wouldn't make such a big deal with like Lance Armstrong.

53:34🔗 Caller But if men's brains are in their penises, then it's the same thing, right?

53:37🔗 Drew Well, the testicular cancer-

53:38🔗 Caller Third ball is brain cancer.

53:40🔗 Drew Interestingly, this testicular cancer makes for the brain right away.

53:43🔗 Adam Really?

53:43🔗 Drew It's right up. Yes, absolutely.

53:45🔗 Caller It's a pipeline.

53:46🔗 Drew Yeah, it's a pipeline.

53:47🔗 Adam It just hitches a ride.

53:48🔗 Drew But yeah, testicular cancer, it's a miserable chemo and stuff, but it's completely curable.

53:53🔗 Caller What cancers are people making a lot of progress on? Prostate?

53:56🔗 Drew All of them except the solids. It's like 90 percent of cancers are really quite treated.

54:00🔗 Adam What do you mean except the solids?

54:01🔗 Drew The adenocarcinomas, again, lung, pancreas, colon. The thing about colon that's such a disaster is that you can get it before it converts to a cancer by doing regular colonoscopies. There's no reason for anyone to have colon cancer in this country.

54:14🔗 Caller How old should you typically be before they start shoving that hose up your...

54:17🔗 Drew 50, but I've already had one.

54:18🔗 If you're poor.

54:19🔗 Drew I'm only 43. So...

54:21🔗 Oh, you've had the colonoscopy?

54:21🔗 Caller You had a big snake up there?

54:23🔗 Drew Yeah. Yeah.

54:24🔗 Caller Did they knock you out?

54:25🔗 Drew Oh, yeah.

54:25🔗 Caller They gave you a pelvic?

54:27🔗 Drew Yeah.

54:27🔗 Caller Yeah? They gave you an epidural?

54:29🔗 Drew No, no. Just asleep. Twilight.

54:31🔗 Adam So they put you down and then hit you with the snake? Wow.

54:37🔗 Drew Yeah.

54:37🔗 Adam Are you sure you just didn't get some GHB and got raped outside of a club?

54:40🔗 Caller How do you know you got snaked? Maybe they just had to charge you for it. No, I'm right. When you wake up, do you feel kind of...

54:45🔗 Drew I woke up and I actually looked for a little while what they were looking at.

54:48🔗 Caller So you were twilighted, but you still had the video thing going.

54:51🔗 Drew I remember still looking at it.

54:52🔗 Caller You were stoned, but not so stoned. You couldn't watch the little tubes keep there.

54:55🔗 Drew Little tube of tube.

54:56🔗 Caller Exactly.

54:57🔗 Adam Alec, you ever had that?

55:00🔗 Caller I never got snaked. No, no, I never had that happen. I'm 44. Today's my birthday, I'll be honest.

55:05🔗 Drew Happy birthday.

55:05🔗 Caller I'm 44 today. I mean, if it's time to... Have we got time for a quick snake right now? He's a doctor, right?

55:11🔗 Drew I don't have the equipment, but we could run across the street.

55:13🔗 Adam No, I could put... Anderson could throw something together. We got enough mic cords and extra equipment back there. We could work something out.

55:19🔗 Drew Come on, we need fiber optics.

55:21🔗 Adam Beautiful. Yes, John?

55:25🔗 Yes.

55:25🔗 Adam Yes, you're 16. What's up?

55:27🔗 Caller Hey, well, I was just calling to ask that I was making out with my girlfriend, and I was leaving when I was leaving her house to go home. Her mom came up to me, and she was just asking me if I've ever dated an older girl or anything like that. She was kind of putting her hands on me. Liar!

55:46🔗 Adam Liar whore! Liar whore! You know it! Please, this is so weak.

55:51🔗 Caller I didn't know what to expect.

55:52🔗 Adam You're a worse actor than I am. Yeah.

55:55🔗 Caller How old are you? What's his name? Steve?

55:57🔗 Adam John.

55:57🔗 Caller John, how old are you really?

55:58🔗 Sixteen.

55:59🔗 Caller You're sixteen?

56:00🔗 Yes.

56:01🔗 Adam Now, you're a complete spaz, John. You cannot pull this lie off.

56:06🔗 Caller Why?

56:06🔗 Adam Because there's no woman that would be attracted to your retainer wearing spindly ass at this point. I see you very clearly. Your head narrows as a coin when it's on its side. You're all braces and your hair's all over the place and you're spindly and your scrotum hasn't dropped yet.

56:28🔗 Caller You're the guy that jumps off the bridge on Saturday Night Fever.

56:31🔗 Adam Yeah, that's you. You're like a young George Siegel.

56:36🔗 Caller Do you play the trombone, John?

56:39🔗 Adam It is the banjo, I believe. All right, that's it, John. You're wasting our time. You understand this is a very important show. Alec Baldwin is a very important man. Drew is a doctor. I'm me and you're wasting all of our time. Do you understand?

56:55🔗 Caller Well, I'm sorry if you don't believe me, but.

56:57🔗 Adam Yes, we don't.

56:58🔗 Caller Oh, all right.

56:59🔗 Adam All right. I'll see you in hell.

57:01🔗 Caller Yeah.

57:01🔗 Adam All right?

57:02🔗 Caller Yeah.

57:02🔗 Adam All right.

57:03🔗 Caller We'll chill together.

57:04🔗 Adam All right. No, I will torture you. I'll torment you. Megan?

57:08🔗 Caller Yes.

57:09🔗 Adam You're 25? What's up?

57:12🔗 Caller I was actually calling to comment on the previous caller who had mentioned that she felt like she was going to urinate when she was having sex from behind. Actually, that's pretty common side effect of G-spot stimulation for a lot of women, especially women who have female ejaculations.

57:36🔗 Drew That may or may not be true.

57:38🔗 Caller Okay.

57:40🔗 Caller Do you have G-spots by the way?

57:41🔗 Adam I thought that was just something you guys made up the F with us.

57:44🔗 Caller They exist.

57:45🔗 Adam Something we couldn't find. They exist.

57:48🔗 Caller Yeah.

57:49🔗 Adam Do you have female ejaculation?

57:52🔗 Caller Yeah.

57:54🔗 Adam Is that every time you have an orgasm?

57:56🔗 Caller It's only with specific G-spot stimulation. It's not with a regular quatorial orgasm.

58:03🔗 Drew What does that mean to you, G-spot stimulation?

58:05🔗 Caller The anterior wall of the...

58:07🔗 Drew And how does that work for you?

58:09🔗 Caller How does that work for me? Yeah.

58:10🔗 Drew How does that happen for you?

58:12🔗 Caller Usually with fingers.

58:14🔗 Adam Jesus Christ. From an evolutionary standpoint, we're going to have to grow a second dick to keep up. We are because you got the third mouth.

58:22🔗 Caller You're going to have to get a knuckle on your dick, I think.

58:25🔗 Adam Yeah. I feel like a speed bump. Because you have the oral orgasm now, right? You have the clitoral. We have the clitoral orgasm, and you have the penetration orgasm, and now you're having a G-spot orgasm? No.

58:41🔗 Caller It's basically two orgasms. You have the clitoral, which is the same as, generally speaking, the oral. And then some women have what is either termed vaginal or G-spot orgasm.

58:56🔗 Drew Right. And those are probably a mix of different things and different people.

58:59🔗 Caller Yeah, yeah.

59:00🔗 Drew Okay.

59:00🔗 Adam So you're saying that if you have the sensation of urination in a doggy-style intercourse, that it must be that the person has female ejaculation syndrome? Well, no, no, no.

59:14🔗 I don't know.

59:15🔗 Adam I don't care anymore.

59:16🔗 Caller I'm simply saying that his penis is probably rubbing against her G-spot.

59:22🔗 Adam I see.

59:22🔗 Caller Isn't that a wonderful thing?

59:23🔗 Adam Yeah. Isn't that what you want?

59:25🔗 Caller Well, it usually subsides if you keep going. That's a thing for, I mean...

59:31🔗 Adam Oh, so she...

59:31🔗 Caller She needs to look up this stuff online. I mean...

59:34🔗 Adam She should push through it.

59:35🔗 Caller We've never heard about this before.

59:36🔗 Drew Yeah, but this stuff is all sort of conjecture, really.

59:40🔗 Caller Well, it's not conjecture. You're talking to somebody right now.

59:43🔗 Adam This is voodoo orgasm, quite frankly.

59:44🔗 Caller There are hundreds of women out there who experience the same thing.

59:47🔗 Drew Absolutely, but it's conjecture as to what exactly is going on biologically at this point.

59:51🔗 Adam Yeah. Voodoo orgasm? I like that.

59:53🔗 Caller This is voodoo orgasm, I think. But basically, she said it's oral stimulation for the one and the other was with your finger. So the Johnson just doesn't fit in at all. Doesn't fit in at all, right?

1:00:09🔗 Adam I've learned from this show that women have almost no use for the penis.

1:00:13🔗 Caller They have none.

1:00:15🔗 Adam They really don't. They all want oral sex.

1:00:16🔗 Caller Can we ask her what she thinks of that? Does the penis have a function?

1:00:20🔗 Adam Megan?

1:00:20🔗 Caller Yes, it definitely does.

1:00:21🔗 Adam It does.

1:00:23🔗 Caller What would you say? What's the function?

1:00:24🔗 Adam It's to hold up a sombrero during the victory dance afterwards.

1:00:28🔗 Caller To put your wedding ring on while you're at the hotel?

1:00:31🔗 Caller I usually do quatorial stimulation with penis penetration. It's not like it's either or.

1:00:40🔗 Adam I see. You do it, you manually do quatorial with the hand?

1:00:44🔗 Caller Or with a toy or with whatever.

1:00:46🔗 Adam I see. Okay. All right. You're scaring me, Seth.

1:00:51🔗 Drew There are women that will have orgasmic incontinence and or ejaculation with exactly what you're describing. So the G-spot thing may or may not be a part of it.

1:00:59🔗 Caller Orgasmic incontinence. I love that.

1:01:01🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:01:03🔗 Adam It's something that I think a guy would like initially but then soon grow tired of in a long road.

1:01:08🔗 Caller What kind of incontinence do you have? Orgasmic?

1:01:11🔗 Caller Oh, no.

1:01:13🔗 Adam I have incontinence. I have dream incontinence where I dream I'm taking a leak.

1:01:19🔗 Drew Tell him your story. He hasn't heard this one. We haven't told this story in a long time about when you were at your girlfriend's house and you had that lovely dream about the...

1:01:27🔗 Adam I wet my girlfriend's bed many years ago while I was sleeping with her.

1:01:33🔗 Caller You have what? You have like barley, hops, malt incontinence.

1:01:37🔗 Drew The dream was very interesting though.

1:01:39🔗 Adam The dream was... I have a lot of violent dreams and I was in some... in front of a castle on like a fjord with a bog, yeah, with the steam on the ground, the fog and everything. And I was doing battle and doing nicely, slaying people with the swords and whatnot. And I just got done slaying everybody and realized, I got to take a leak, badly, badly. And I was undoing my armor as fast as I could do it. But I realized I didn't really know how to undo my, yeah, my bronze underpants because I didn't put them on. They were on when I started the dream, you know? So I started to get them on. I just remember dropping those bronze underpants and just leaking on the side of the castle, like looking up thinking, this is the end of a good day. You know, I killed a bunch of like Huns and now I'm taking a leak on the castle. And then I looked up and I was looking at like that cottage cheese acoustic ceiling and I thought, that's an interesting sky above the castle. Then I thought, wait a minute, I'm not standing at all. I'm horizontal. And then I said, Oh Christ, I'm my girlfriend.

1:02:53🔗 Caller I said a minotaur, that's my girlfriend.

1:02:57🔗 Adam So I woke up. And the thing that's funny about, and you guys should do this just as a psychological experiment. When you, it's hard to maintain your masculinity and be in a pool of your own urine. At the same time, I reverted to like a four and a half year old. I was like, it's tough when you got to wake them up and tell them. Your girlfriend is like, yeah, hey, baby, I made messy, you know, like I made pee pee, pee was immediate, like four. And she's like, huh? And she immediately snapped in that, get up. And I couldn't do anything. I was like, I like stood and she flipped things and pulled stuff off and flipped stuff around.

1:03:36🔗 Caller So you have Nordic fantasy incontinence.

1:03:39🔗 Caller Yes.

1:03:40🔗 Caller Medieval.

1:03:42🔗 Adam Medieval incontinence. And so the really worst part is we were only together for another like four months, but she would always it'd be like four thirty in the afternoon. I'd be drinking a beer.

1:03:53🔗 Caller She like, are you sure it's a good idea?

1:03:55🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:03:56🔗 Caller All right. Come on.

1:03:57🔗 Drew Please talk about your ass right now. We're talking about.

1:04:00🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:04:01🔗 Adam It was old Stephanie.

1:04:03🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:04:03🔗 Caller It's good times.

1:04:05🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:04:05🔗 Caller Broke my heart. That bitch, Drew, broke my heart.

1:04:09🔗 Adam You want to talk to Matt over here? Sure. I've done it. I've done it 15 times since then. Drew, you think that's a problem? Do you not? Wedding the bed?

1:04:19🔗 Drew I'd put that in the problem category.

1:04:20🔗 Adam Once, twice a year? Sure. See, I think that's healthy. So you agree to disagree?

1:04:25🔗 Drew Yes.

1:04:26🔗 Adam Matt?

1:04:27🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:04:27🔗 Adam You're 15?

1:04:28🔗 Drew Yeah.

1:04:28🔗 Adam What's up?

1:04:30🔗 Caller I was done in Mexico and they got these prescription drugs. They have them here too, I think, called Somaz or Somacid. And if you take three, it's like a muscle relaxant. If you take three or four of them, it's like being drunk but better, and you start hallucinating a little bit. I just want to know, what can that do to you? Can it mess you up?

1:04:54🔗 Drew Yeah, they can be highly addictive. It's actually converted by your body into something that used to be called Mill Towns, Meprobamate, and when you get addicted to this stuff, which happens pretty easily, and I've treated a number of these now, it is hell to get off this drug. It's one of the worst detoxes you can possibly go through, one of them, and don't mess with this. And it's a severe sedative. You can overdose on it pretty easily.

1:05:19🔗 Adam And Matt, just in general, at 15, trying to get out of your mind high is probably not a great sign.

1:05:26🔗 Caller Where do you live, Matt?

1:05:27🔗 Caller Phoenix.

1:05:28🔗 Caller You live in Phoenix.

1:05:29🔗 Adam So you go over the border and you go into Mexico and you just walk into the pharmacy and grab these things?

1:05:34🔗 Caller Yeah, they got a pharmacy every five feet down the street. You just go in there and be like, so much. And then they sell you for like 15 cents a pill.

1:05:42🔗 Caller They got a world championship baseball club there at Phoenix, man. Can't you just like get in the bleachers and have a couple of beers and...

1:05:48🔗 Drew 15.

1:05:48🔗 Caller Unwind.

1:05:49🔗 Adam All right, one beer.

1:05:50🔗 Caller All right. Well, you sound like you're 40, quite frankly. Your voice, you know, where is that from? Is it? Do you have soma laryngitis or whatever it is?

1:05:58🔗 Drew Are you loaded right now?

1:05:59🔗 Caller Are you loaded, man?

1:06:00🔗 Caller No. No.

1:06:03🔗 Adam Hey, Matt.

1:06:03🔗 Drew It smells a little hot. That's why it sounds like that.

1:06:05🔗 Adam Matt, I just... Here's... I just want to tell you truthfully, I grew up in North Hollywood with a lot of guys who did a lot of stuff. And it's just basically most of them are alive now and most of them are sober now. But from age 15 or 16 to age like 28, your life is completely gone. You get high, you spend a lot of money, you get no education, you move nowhere, you have a lot of relationships that are screwed up, a lot of family relationships are screwed up. And then somewares you get around 30 and you stop producing so much testosterone and you've screwed up and got 100 DUIs and spent too many nights in jail and stuff. Eventually you go, all right, this is enough, I'm tired of this and you dust yourself off and then you begin what you should have began when you were 17 except for your 31. So why bother with that whole dance, man?

1:07:00🔗 Caller It's a toy you play with and the sooner you put it down the better.

1:07:04🔗 Adam All right, man.

1:07:05🔗 Caller All right, thank you.

1:07:06🔗 Adam There you go, knock it off, please. All right, let's talk to Eric who's 29.

1:07:12🔗 Caller Eric.

1:07:13🔗 Caller Oh, yeah. I have a question for the doctor.

1:07:15🔗 Adam All right.

1:07:16🔗 Caller For Dr. Drew. I have like an embarrassing problem. Like when I'm aroused, I get like a lot of pre-cum.

1:07:25🔗 Drew A leaky gasket.

1:07:26🔗 Caller Yeah, very leaky.

1:07:30🔗 Caller And that's kind of like, I'm kind of self-conscious about that. I was wondering, do you know if there's any like medications or any herbs?

1:07:37🔗 Drew No.

1:07:37🔗 Caller We do.

1:07:38🔗 Drew No, definitely not. You might be able to.

1:07:41🔗 Adam I'm about to stuff in some kiddie litter down that urethra to soak it up before you leave the house. I could get it down there.

1:07:47🔗 Drew Yeah, I know. With your dart. But again.

1:07:50🔗 Caller Snake it.

1:07:51🔗 Adam You just load it like you're loading a musket. You know, you just get the horn of litter and you just stuff it down the urethra.

1:07:58🔗 Caller That baby Crockett kind of powder bag, you know?

1:08:00🔗 Adam Right.

1:08:00🔗 Caller Keep your powder dry.

1:08:02🔗 Drew Yeah. Eric, no, there really is no good way. You might want to do the Kegel exercises, the muscular, some muscular contraction might that might help it, but probably this is just you.

1:08:11🔗 Adam So Eric, yeah, if if you were like, let's say making out with a young lady for a period of time and then you went home, there'd be a big spot in your underpants.

1:08:22🔗 Caller Yeah, there would be.

1:08:23🔗 Adam And and it's kind of sticky. Yeah. Okay.

1:08:26🔗 Drew We got that part.

1:08:27🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:08:28🔗 Adam Sticky, you're saying?

1:08:30🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:08:30🔗 Adam Okay.

1:08:30🔗 Drew Get that down.

1:08:31🔗 Adam And do you have a girlfriend?

1:08:34🔗 Caller Not really right now. Right now.

1:08:35🔗 Adam But don't you think if you had a girlfriend, you could kind of work this out?

1:08:40🔗 Caller Well, kind of in the past, I've had. Well, it's like I've had partners that were that didn't want to go down on me because they didn't like to taste a precom. So it's if it can be a kind of a problem, you know, it can interfere with my sex life.

1:08:54🔗 Caller Are you gay or straight?

1:08:56🔗 Caller I'm actually bi.

1:08:57🔗 Caller Yeah. Okay.

1:08:59🔗 Adam Well, the guys weren't into it either?

1:09:03🔗 Caller Well, some of them, yes, some of them, no. But I can say it can create problems because, you know, some people don't like, you know, you know, Eric's, hang on a second.

1:09:15🔗 Drew Eric is the equivalent in a male of the little girl voice. I mean, imagine how old the hell do you say he was?

1:09:20🔗 Adam Well, I know he's 29 because I'm looking at the thing, but he sounds like he's 14 and a half. Yeah. I think he's wearing a wind up beanie or something and it has a slingshot hanging out of his back pocket covered with pre-cum. Eric?

1:09:32🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:09:33🔗 Adam What happened to you? Anything? Were you molested?

1:09:37🔗 Caller No.

1:09:38🔗 Adam What turned you into the voice that we hear today? Any, anything?

1:09:44🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:09:45🔗 Adam What nationality are you?

1:09:48🔗 Caller Hispanic.

1:09:49🔗 Do you own a ranch in Ojai?

1:09:52🔗 No.

1:09:52🔗 Drew No, no trauma in your history?

1:09:55🔗 Caller No trauma? Yeah. Not really.

1:09:57🔗 Drew What does not really mean?

1:10:00🔗 Caller Well, what kind of trauma are you talking about?

1:10:01🔗 Drew Well, like violence in the hole.

1:10:03🔗 Adam Yeah. Anyone beat on you or molest you or anything?

1:10:08🔗 Caller Not really.

1:10:09🔗 Drew What does not really mean?

1:10:13🔗 Caller I'd say no. I kicked ass a few times when I was in junior high and stuff.

1:10:18🔗 Adam I see. But your dad never raised a hand here?

1:10:21🔗 Caller No, definitely not. Definitely not. Nor a priest.

1:10:24🔗 Adam No priest? Nothing. When did you lose your virginity?

1:10:28🔗 Caller Well, I kind of grew up in a rural area, so I don't know what you mean by virginity. If you're talking about Bill Clinton's definition, I didn't lose it until I was in my 20s. But if you're talking about just getting a blowjob, then I might have got one when I was like 15, 16. So it depends on your definition of sex.

1:10:48🔗 Drew Eric, Eric.

1:10:50🔗 Adam He's all over the map.

1:10:51🔗 Eric, what do you do for a living?

1:10:52🔗 Drew I think Eric's just gay.

1:10:54🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:10:54🔗 Drew And he's not dealing with it.

1:10:55🔗 Caller Eric, you're gay. Well, you shouldn't judge me just based on my voice. Actually, I am bi. Right. I've stepped with both of them.

1:11:04🔗 Caller I've said this many. I think your penis is trying to tell you something.

1:11:08🔗 Adam Yes. Bi is-

1:11:09🔗 Caller Penis is telling you what you are.

1:11:11🔗 Adam Women can be bi. Bi for guys is gay with a publicist, basically, which is you're really gay. You just don't know it. You'd rather be called bi.

1:11:22🔗 Caller Bi is you have an album you're releasing.

1:11:24🔗 Caller Well, then why have I had sex with girls and enjoy it?

1:11:26🔗 Drew Well, a small penis, you fag.

1:11:28🔗 Adam What was that? It was Clinton. Listen, any gay guy can slip up. You know what I'm saying?

1:11:36🔗 Caller Let me slip up.

1:11:36🔗 Adam They have sex with a woman. Eric, what do you do for a living?

1:11:42🔗 Caller I'd rather not say.

1:11:43🔗 Adam All right. Okay, listen. I would-

1:11:46🔗 Caller What does that have to do with a leaky dick?

1:11:48🔗 Adam I don't know.

1:11:49🔗 Caller We're getting off the subject, but anyway.

1:11:51🔗 Adam All right. Do the Kegel exercises and open yourself up to the notion of being gay full-time. All right? We all get that vibe off of you. And who knows? Maybe you'll even get Alec Baldwin.

1:12:06🔗 Drew And especially just all the intellectual defensiveness that you-

1:12:09🔗 Adam Trying to dangle a carrot out in front of me. See?

1:12:12🔗 Drew All that defense, defense, defense is intellectualizing is not real.

1:12:16🔗 Best Of Yeah.

1:12:16🔗 Drew It's justifying. It's trying to make things a certain way when they're not.

1:12:20🔗 Adam Something's seamed up with it.

1:12:21🔗 Best Of All right.

1:12:21🔗 Adam We'll take a break.

1:12:25🔗 Caller Loveline will be right back.

1:12:26🔗 Caller So get your problems ready.

1:12:44🔗 Adam Well, it is truly the best of the best of Loveline. Where else would you find Alec Baldwin and Tom Arnold and Tony Hawk and David Arquette in the same night, Drew?

1:12:53🔗 Drew And Tom, whenever people ask me what my favorite guest is, I always, well, Tom Arnold is always on my top list. And because he's had a lot of things happen to him, got a little stuff going on, had a lot of treatment, not afraid to talk about it.

1:13:05🔗 Adam Not quite enough, but yes.

1:13:06🔗 Drew And he talks about it in this upcoming segment.

1:13:09🔗 Adam Yeah, listen and be afraid, be very afraid. Hey everybody, I'm Adam Carolla. It's Dr. Drew, Tom Arnold in the studio tonight. And phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Tom Arnold, Best Am Sports Show Period.

1:13:29🔗 Drew No one has mentioned, none of us have mentioned how we're dressed tonight.

1:13:32🔗 Best Of Yeah, you guys look good. You got your Best Am Sports Show Period pull overs. Is that what they're called?

1:13:36🔗 Drew Yeah, I think it would be. They were having, I overheard a discussion out in the lobby, they call each other before they come in.

1:13:43🔗 Best Of You guys look cute. Yeah, and you both have been on the show and we really appreciate it.

1:13:48🔗 Drew Mike?

1:13:48🔗 Caller Yeah. Me, Mike?

1:13:49🔗 Drew Yeah, you, Mike.

1:13:50🔗 Caller Hey, I was going to ask Tom, I've seen a movie, and I don't know if it's on Cinemax or what it is. Horrible movie, but Tom, you were the best in it. You played a magician.

1:14:00🔗 Best Of Oh, yeah. I did a little tiny, I think it's a movie called Lloyd, and I just did a friends of people, people I used to buy my glasses from. They said, listen, we're putting, we're going to do an independent film someday, and if you would you please be in it. I said, all right, if you get it together, they worked really hard and the whole family put their house up, and they did everything, and they called me one day and said, will you do this and do a little couple scenes in it? I said, sure. Then it was on TV. This is a while ago.

1:14:26🔗 Drew They lost their house?

1:14:28🔗 Best Of No, they actually, I don't know. I think you heard it. It was tough. They probably should have, but no, I haven't actually seen it.

1:14:35🔗 Drew It was called Lloyd?

1:14:36🔗 Best Of I think it was called The Ugly Kid, but they thought that might be too offensive. It was a horrible movie, but you were great at it. Oh, thank you. They'll lie like, that's good to hear.

1:14:44🔗 Adam It's nice, Mike, that you stick with a movie with the potential that Tom may show up at some point and save it.

1:14:50🔗 Drew Every bad movie.

1:14:51🔗 Adam Every bad movie, you hang with it.

1:14:54🔗 Caller Thank you.

1:14:54🔗 Adam Tom Arnold is going to show up.

1:14:56🔗 Caller I came in on it where the kid turned the TV on and Tom was wearing like this turban, a deck of cards in his hand and was doing some kind of magic trick. See, I said, even in my stone state of mind, I was like, there's no way I'm turning this off.

1:15:11🔗 Adam I'll see.

1:15:11🔗 Best Of Thanks, man.

1:15:13🔗 Adam He did what he could do, Mike. Thank you. All right. You're playing like Marshall Brodean or something like one of these TV magic guys.

1:15:22🔗 Best Of I don't know.

1:15:23🔗 Adam You don't even know. I love that. James?

1:15:27🔗 Caller Hello?

1:15:27🔗 Adam You're 14? Yeah. What's up?

1:15:31🔗 Caller I was actually molested by my neighbor when I was six years old.

1:15:36🔗 Drew Was that a male?

1:15:38🔗 Caller It was actually a female.

1:15:39🔗 Drew Wow. How old was she at the time?

1:15:42🔗 Caller I don't know how old she was.

1:15:44🔗 Drew Roughly?

1:15:46🔗 Caller Later 20s.

1:15:47🔗 Drew Okay.

1:15:47🔗 Adam So she was an adult.

1:15:48🔗 Drew Did she make you have sex with her?

1:15:51🔗 Caller No. She just pretty much like touched me and stuff. Probably the last couple of years, I've just been having thoughts about guys and stuff. I'm just like, this isn't really right. I was just wondering what I should do.

1:16:06🔗 Adam You ever had an experience with a guy? No. What about a girl other than your neighbor?

1:16:13🔗 Caller Oh, yeah.

1:16:17🔗 Caller Yeah, a few times.

1:16:19🔗 Adam Like what? Like made out?

1:16:20🔗 Caller Like, I don't know, like BJs.

1:16:22🔗 Drew Are you attracted to girls?

1:16:23🔗 Adam You're getting BJs? Not even into chicks, still getting BJs.

1:16:28🔗 Caller Adam, I'm sorry.

1:16:29🔗 Drew Must be very painful to hear that.

1:16:31🔗 Adam It is tough. That's the toughest part about this show. You know what it is? It's like, I feel like one of those old jocks who got $8,000 a year for playing professional ball like in the 50s and I hear about what these guys are making today and I played two ways, you know, in the snow, you know, at Soldier Field and blew my knee out and got nothing, nothing. Now these prima donnas with their multimillion dollar contracts and their Bentley's and their BJs. How dare you, James?

1:17:00🔗 Drew James, do you continue to be attracted to women?

1:17:04🔗 Caller Am I what?

1:17:04🔗 Drew Do you continue to be attracted to women?

1:17:06🔗 Caller Sometimes.

1:17:07🔗 Caller It's just like, well, yeah, like I am, but.

1:17:10🔗 Caller All right.

1:17:10🔗 Drew Well, you'll figure this out.

1:17:11🔗 Adam Then, Drew, do you smell bogus here or is it just sort of?

1:17:15🔗 Drew It's just sort of not much to be said about this because at 14 people are often sort of.

1:17:20🔗 Caller Because I don't know. Am I just like experimenting?

1:17:24🔗 Drew I don't know.

1:17:26🔗 Adam How about a little therapy for the molestation?

1:17:28🔗 Drew Right. It's being sexually molested at a young age changes your brain chemistry in ways that are difficult to predict. And sometimes in some individuals, it can certainly affect the sexual orientation though. Usually, I would predict that usually I'm going to male molest a male. You tend to see this sort of homosexual impulses. And when a female molest a male, you often see sexual compulsivity around females.

1:17:51🔗 Adam There's two forms of therapy that are effective for this. There's psychoanalysis and then there's you paying your farmhands to make a bunch of Xeroxes and put it all over your hometown. It's a story that Tom Arnold told us once. I love that story. What a, what a, what a, Drew, could you imagine Tom Arnold and Roseanne pulling back up into town and they got their sights on you?

1:18:18🔗 Drew Yeah, but this guy apparently was like dismissive.

1:18:20🔗 Best Of Yeah.

1:18:21🔗 Drew He was just an ass.

1:18:23🔗 Adam Tell that, you mean Tom Arnold's guy?

1:18:26🔗 Best Of Yeah.

1:18:26🔗 Adam Tom, tell that story.

1:18:27🔗 Best Of Okay, briefly, when I was young, my mother hired a babysitter, a guy lived across the street from me back in Iowa.

1:18:33🔗 Drew Philip, if I can interrupt time.

1:18:35🔗 Best Of Yes.

1:18:35🔗 Drew What you don't know about Tom is, because I read his book, his mom was a very colorful person.

1:18:40🔗 Best Of She's very colorful.

1:18:41🔗 Drew That's a piece that has not been filled out for our listeners.

1:18:43🔗 Best Of She was married seven times before she passed away from alcoholism. But I knew her until I was four. So she would drink a lot.

1:18:53🔗 Drew That's why all of Tom's relationships end at four years.

1:18:56🔗 Best Of At four years.

1:18:56🔗 Drew Magically, magically. Four years, boom.

1:18:58🔗 Adam He's like the Olympic committee.

1:19:00🔗 Best Of So she would go out a lot and she hired the best guy she could find to come in and take care of her little Tommy there. This guy was 18 years old and he was a pervert. He would do these weird things. Which I was confused as a kid about. I wasn't sure why he was. But he gave me a lot of attention. You like that when you're a kid. So he just molested me and everything. And so when I got sober many years ago, when I was 30, I started talking in rehab. And a lot of people had problems. And I said, well, I was molested by my neighbor. And they said, what did you do about it? And I said, well, I eventually, you know, he dumped me or whatever. Eventually we went our separate ways. Sure. I never told my dad about it because I didn't know what was happening. I didn't know, you know, I didn't know what sex was. I was a kid. So I started thinking about the guy and I said, well, you know, I'm going to look him up. So I did some checking and found out where he lived and found out where he worked. He had a good job. He was a church leader, white collar, and he had adopted four boys. So then I started thinking, well, I better go, you know, I better go confront the guy.

1:20:09🔗 Adam This is back in Iowa.

1:20:11🔗 Best Of Yeah. This is when I lived out here.

1:20:12🔗 Adam Still, but he's still in Iowa.

1:20:14🔗 Best Of That's right.

1:20:14🔗 Drew With his four boys.

1:20:15🔗 Best Of So I found out where he worked and I was, I was going to confront him and I worked with my therapist for about, you know, six months and so I wasn't angry. And so I went to where he were. I hadn't seen him.

1:20:24🔗 Drew You weren't angry.

1:20:25🔗 Best Of Exactly.

1:20:26🔗 Drew Who's your therapist?

1:20:26🔗 Best Of I hadn't seen him since, you know, since we'd broken up or what? I had seen him in many years. So I go there where he was. First of all, I go up to the receptionist. And at the time I was famous and she goes, Oh my God, what are you doing here? And I said, I'm here to see so and so. Oh, I got to tell. No, no, don't tell him. Don't tell him. This is going to be a surprise. So I go.

1:20:46🔗 Drew How long had it been since you'd seen him?

1:20:47🔗 Best Of Since I was a kid. Like, yeah, because we moved. We moved when I was about 10.

1:20:52🔗 Drew Okay.

1:20:52🔗 Adam So 20 years.

1:20:54🔗 Best Of Yeah, 20 years. So I, it was perfect time. It was lunch. He was headed out of his office. And he ran this company. And I see him there and we, our eyes meet. And man, it was so weird because he looked at me and he knew. I mean, he just never, you know, you go about your whole life. And I knew that he knew exactly why I was there. Right. So that anyway, I went up to him and he kind of put his hand out. And I said, you know, I'm here to give you back the pain and shame that you caused me when you blessed me as a kid. And if you tried to do that to me now, I'd break your neck. And, you know, he's, he says, Oh, your, your, your memories are wrong and stuck his finger in my chest. And, you know, I felt like I was about four, you know, Did he pop that zit?

1:21:34🔗 Adam Yeah, he did.

1:21:35🔗 Best Of That's what started it. So I felt like I was four. I was scared for a second. Weird. It took me back in this room, in his house. And I could smell the room and smell, you know. And then all of a sudden I realized, well, I'm a big guy. Yeah. So I grabbed his head. I said, you know, you touch me again. I'm going to break your neck. I'm going to, you know, you know. And so now he was now he got it. And by now, people come out of their offices and we're seeing this and, you know, they kind of knew what was going on.

1:22:03🔗 Drew So they heard you saying all this stuff. Yeah.

1:22:05🔗 Best Of Yeah. So I felt great. I ran outside. I remember I was freezing in Iowa. It was like feeling so good because I'd confronted him and got in the limo and head to the airport. And, you know, got on the plane. And then as soon as I got back home, the private eye that found him called me and said, well, you know, one more thing, he's going to adopt another kid. And so I got back on the plane and went to the governor of Iowa with Tract of Death, you know, and said, listen, you got to help me out here because, you know, I went to the, my hometown police department. They said the statute of limitations is up. I mean, I went and did it all. And he said, I said, he said, we cannot stop this adoption. That's illegal. Anyway, consequently, what's one thing led to another, they stopped the adoption, you know, which was, you know, very kind. Then I was home. I said, I've done everything I could do. I felt doubt. And I said, well, maybe there's one more thing I could do. So I set my farm hands for my farm in Iowa. In the middle of the night, they put up 400 posters with his name and all his information with his six blocks of his house on every pole. Just, you know, so the other kids in the neighborhood had an idea.

1:23:07🔗 Adam What did the flyer say?

1:23:08🔗 Best Of Do you remember? That his name and what his crime and what the kind of, you know, pedophile and beware of him, his address.

1:23:16🔗 Caller And now-

1:23:17🔗 Drew Good thing Tom wasn't angry.

1:23:18🔗 Best Of But let me say this, I did get a little, with the reason, part of the reason I got, you know, when I was thinking about confronting him, I was like, I don't want to confront him. I was in court. My sister was on trial. I'm sitting there and I'd talk about me molested on one of the Oprah or something. And this girl came up to me at my sister's trial, said, yeah, I saw you in Oprah. I know who molested you. And I go, what do you mean? She goes, he has my brother-in-law because he molested my husband. Oh, my God. So I mean, that gave me the belt. Then I'm like, okay, I'm going to do. And it was interesting because I rounded up the old kids from the neighborhood and track them down and hadn't heard from them in a while. Very interesting take. Everybody had, you know, these people hadn't seen in 20 years. And some people were really embarrassed about it and didn't even want to talk about it. Some people were like, wow, you know, it's, you know, because it wasn't just me.

1:24:01🔗 Drew They don't use to.

1:24:02🔗 Best Of Yeah.

1:24:03🔗 Drew Oh my God.

1:24:03🔗 Best Of Yeah.

1:24:04🔗 Drew And now this is the thing we always say about child abuse is that one guy can.

1:24:07🔗 Best Of Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:24:10🔗 Adam So now you put these things up.

1:24:13🔗 Drew Yeah.

1:24:13🔗 Adam You get the adoption stop.

1:24:15🔗 Best Of Right.

1:24:15🔗 Adam And now, obviously, if this guy is feeling like he's got a case that, I mean, obviously, he did it because if he didn't do it, he'd be suing Tom and Roseanne at the time and when I was on television, I said, I'm going to call him blank.

1:24:31🔗 Best Of And I said his name every time. I pretended that was a fake name because it's a standard name. Right. But I said his real name. So I was in my it's that's not the healthiest way to do it. But I was challenging him right over and over again.

1:24:44🔗 Adam And he never brought any.

1:24:46🔗 Best Of No, he could. Yeah, never.

1:24:48🔗 Adam Because he didn't want this exposed.

1:24:50🔗 Best Of Exactly.

1:24:51🔗 Adam Still, I wonder. Oh, what the kids.

1:24:53🔗 Best Of Could you imagine?

1:24:54🔗 Adam But let me let me just play devil's like perverted cousin here. Which is the statute of limitations had run out on Tom's case. Roseanne's worth a hundred billion dollars. This guy has one of the flyers as exhibit A. Probably could have come out here with a legal team and suck a couple couple million from Tom and Roseanne's bank account anyway.

1:25:16🔗 Drew You know what I mean? But obviously, he would have fought it. This guy would have the resource to fight.

1:25:21🔗 Adam Well, that's probably that's probably true. I it's an it's an inspirational story. Yeah, I really I do love that story. And I don't know whatever became of that guy. And I wonder, do you ever did you ever find out, for instance, about the four boys he did adopt?

1:25:36🔗 Best Of Well, he's got a wife, he you know, he has a wife. At least what can I do? I mean, though the word is out.

1:25:41🔗 Adam Oh, you did you did everything you could do.

1:25:43🔗 Best Of But you know, you feel bad. But you'd also do what is, you know, you just pray that is, you know. Yeah.

1:25:50🔗 Adam And and and the biggest the biggest problem that, you know, we know from doing this show is that when guys like that victimize these people, I mean, there's a there's a 25 percent chance they'll come to Hollywood and strike it rich in comedy, but higher than likely chance they're going to stay back in their hometown and do some molesting of their own.

1:26:10🔗 Best Of Right.

1:26:10🔗 Adam And that's that's the syndrome. And that's what makes these guys sort of world class predators. And that's where that's where in a way they're worse for society than than people that do things that almost seemingly sound worse.

1:26:25🔗 Drew Like killing.

1:26:26🔗 Adam Yeah, in a sense, because as sad as it is, when you kill your victim, your victim can't then kill other people or can't destroy other people's childhoods or can't go on and almost continue your work in a certain sense. We'll be right back with the best of the best of Loveline and Tom Arnold after this. Hey, it's the best of the best of the best of Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew.

1:27:06🔗 Drew And we're really wrapping up the year here with one of the most historical moments in Loveline history.

1:27:11🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:27:12🔗 Drew This is Tom Arnold.

1:27:12🔗 Adam Got us in trouble.

1:27:13🔗 Drew Got in trouble. So those of you that didn't hear it back then, please sharpen your pens and pencils and go ahead and write to us about this episode. Yeah, we lost him. We lost the station, yeah. So of course we're gonna air it again. Yeah. But it really was a classic moment. And the idea here is we were making fun of this woman for not knowing these horrible things.

1:27:32🔗 Adam Yes.

1:27:32🔗 Drew Not using these horrible things to make fun. All right.

1:27:36🔗 Adam So enjoy a classic from the best of the best of Loveline. Is that Laureen?

1:27:42🔗 Best Of Yes, it is.

1:27:43🔗 Adam Hi Laureen, you're 20. What's up?

1:27:45🔗 Best Of Hey, well, I'm a phone actress. My problem is my callers are coming way too fast. And in order for me to make any kind of dough, I need to keep a seven minute minimum with each caller. So I need some advice guys. What do you guys like to hear on the phone? How can I get these guys to...

1:28:01🔗 Adam Let me get this straight.

1:28:02🔗 Caller Are you hot daddy?

1:28:04🔗 Adam Oh, I thought you're doing like Man of La Mancha and stuff over the phone for like people that were bed ridden or something like that who couldn't get to the theater. But you're just doing the sex talk, huh?

1:28:14🔗 Best Of Right.

1:28:15🔗 Adam How do you describe yourself? Because I think they do a little too good a job sometimes. And it's like, I'm 5'9, I'm a 38 double D, I have...

1:28:26🔗 Best Of Oh, no, I keep it real. I say I'm about 5'7, long dark hair, green eyes, 36 feet, 24 inch waist.

1:28:33🔗 Best Of Have you ever had a bachelor party and...

1:28:34🔗 Adam Hold on, hold on, we got to go.

1:28:40🔗 Best Of Have you had a bachelor party and then someone described themselves like, I mean, honestly over the phone, they said, this woman is this way and they get to the door and you feel so bad for them, right? Because they do weigh 220 pounds.

1:28:52🔗 Adam Listen, I was thinking about this the other day when I had a bunch of people waiting at an airport for me for a chartered plane that was like leaving but not without me and they said, they called me on my cell phone and they were like, where are you? And I'm like, I'm just getting off on Sherman Way, I'm on the 405 as I'm basically going down my driveway and I'm thinking to myself, it's nice that you lie but the fact that it takes you 25 minutes to get a block and a half from where you said you were like eventually, like the stripper who says how hot she is. Isn't there going to come a time when the truth is revealed?

1:29:29🔗 Best Of Yeah.

1:29:30🔗 Adam Yes. And that's why you have to sort of, it's good to build it up a little bit, but when you're still in your driveway, say you're down the street, don't say you're coming up. So, Lorene, you describe yourself as, is that what you are?

1:29:46🔗 Best Of Yes, I am.

1:29:47🔗 Adam Okay. And what do you do? Like, is the talk, you're saying the talk is like extra naughty, extra good? Like, talk to Tom, see if you can...

1:29:56🔗 Best Of Yeah, hi, hi.

1:29:59🔗 Best Of What do you mean? I'm sorry.

1:30:00🔗 Best Of Hi, Tom here. Talk to me.

1:30:03🔗 Best Of So, what is...

1:30:03🔗 Drew Visa or MasterCard?

1:30:06🔗 Best Of I just want to keep these guys satisfied.

1:30:08🔗 Drew No, Lorene, Tom's your client.

1:30:10🔗 Best Of I'm your client.

1:30:10🔗 Caller Okay, cool, cool.

1:30:11🔗 Best Of Go ahead.

1:30:12🔗 Best Of Hi.

1:30:13🔗 Best Of Hi.

1:30:13🔗 Caller Who's this?

1:30:14🔗 Best Of It's Tom.

1:30:15🔗 Best Of Hey, Tom.

1:30:16🔗 Caller I'm Sugar.

1:30:17🔗 Best Of How you doing?

1:30:17🔗 Best Of Good, good, Sugar. What's going on?

1:30:20🔗 Best Of Nothing much, just relaxed and a bit on my bed.

1:30:22🔗 Best Of Yeah?

1:30:23🔗 Best Of Yeah.

1:30:23🔗 Best Of Oh, boy.

1:30:25🔗 Best Of What are you doing?

1:30:26🔗 Best Of What do you do? Do you have the 500 count sheets, the thread count? Yeah. I bet. Silky.

1:30:32🔗 Adam What are you wearing? This is Tom's friend, Annabelle.

1:30:34🔗 Best Of Yeah, exactly.

1:30:35🔗 Caller What are you wearing?

1:30:36🔗 Best Of Oh, I'm wearing a tight little gray T-shirt.

1:30:40🔗 Best Of Oh, I got to go.

1:30:42🔗 Adam Hey, Tom, can you move your car? It's blocking mine in the driveway.

1:30:46🔗 Best Of Oh, man. I say my nipples are a bit hard, and I'm wearing a black thong and I'm touching myself.

1:30:52🔗 Adam Yeah, that's sweet. Yeah. Well, listen, why don't you sort of work? Like, you know what you ought to do? Here's what you ought to do, because you don't want to be too mundane, and you want to be sexual. But maybe if she did it in a sort of subliminal way, she could add a little time. Like you go like, which other guy goes like, what are you wearing? No, no, she'll go like, I'm wearing a lacy, black, teddy holocaust with a full long camisole, cancer. And just see, like, see if you could slide in like cancer, holocaust, grandpas, and see what you could do.

1:31:31🔗 Caller That's good.

1:31:33🔗 Adam And I bet it would add some time. The mind works, the mind is very interesting that way, Drew.

1:31:38🔗 Drew You're a foreign phone sex operator. Right, right. SNL ought to do that. Right.

1:31:43🔗 Adam Yeah. I think they did. They did do it, actually. But I think that would work for her. Yeah. Let's try that. Let's see. Laureen? Yes. Why don't you try that? So here's what you do. I ask you what you're wearing, and somewhere you work in Vietnam very quickly. Very quickly. All right? All right.

1:32:02🔗 Best Of Here we go.

1:32:03🔗 Adam And what are you wearing, Sugar?

1:32:06🔗 Best Of Oh, I'm wearing a nice lace garter with a nice black lace bra.

1:32:12🔗 Adam Yeah. Yeah.

1:32:14🔗 Best Of Yeah.

1:32:15🔗 Best Of How's that?

1:32:16🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:32:16🔗 Best Of Vietnam.

1:32:17🔗 Adam It was almost perfect.

1:32:18🔗 Drew Where's the Vietnam part?

1:32:20🔗 Best Of Vietnam.

1:32:22🔗 Adam Okay. So it's my fault for attempting to communicate with the people that call this job.

1:32:28🔗 Best Of I was amazed that I thought that you pulled that off with her. She was right on it.

1:32:33🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:32:33🔗 Best Of But it was too good to be true.

1:32:35🔗 Adam I know.

1:32:36🔗 Drew Maybe she actually worked anyway. We just didn't notice it.

1:32:38🔗 Best Of Yeah.

1:32:38🔗 Adam I did notice my penis like a little dip in the middle of her description. Interesting. Drew.

1:32:45🔗 Drew I'll tell you.

1:32:46🔗 Adam All right.

1:32:46🔗 I got to try one more time.

1:32:47🔗 Caller I'll just go.

1:32:49🔗 Adam Lorraine.

1:32:49🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:32:50🔗 Adam Let me explain. I have this subliminal suggestion.

1:32:54🔗 Drew I don't use that word.

1:32:57🔗 Adam I have this quick word thing that's going to hurt the guy's penises.

1:33:01🔗 Caller Okay.

1:33:02🔗 Adam Now, when you describe what you're wearing, I want you to very quickly work in the word Holocaust. Holocaust. Holocaust. Holocaust.

1:33:13🔗 Best Of Okay.

1:33:13🔗 Drew They give me these words, cancer.

1:33:14🔗 Adam Do you know what the Holocaust is?

1:33:16🔗 Best Of No, we don't.

1:33:17🔗 Adam Okay. All right. Oh boy. All right. That's all right. Hey, by the way, LA Unified School District, everybody. I'm a product. God bless you guys. You're really doing a job over there. Subliminal Holocaust. Okay. Work in cancer. Oh, work in cancer.

1:33:34🔗 Drew Do you know what cancer is?

1:33:35🔗 Adam It's a potential.

1:33:36🔗 Best Of Okay, great.

1:33:37🔗 Adam Work in the word cancer when you're describing what you're wearing, all right?

1:33:40🔗 Best Of Oh, most definitely.

1:33:42🔗 Adam All right. You ready? Bring. Bring.

1:33:45🔗 Best Of Hi, how you doing?

1:33:46🔗 Adam Hi. What's your name?

1:33:49🔗 Caller Sugar.

1:33:49🔗 Adam I'm Ace.

1:33:50🔗 Best Of Hey, Ace.

1:33:51🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:33:52🔗 Caller What are you wearing?

1:33:54🔗 Best Of Well, I'm wearing a nice black garter. Just thinking about the Holocaust right now.

1:34:09🔗 Best Of I'm sending you my bill.

1:34:12🔗 Adam No, Lorene, we may need to tweak this a little bit more.

1:34:17🔗 Caller This is good. Right. Right.

1:34:20🔗 Adam No, you take direction is as good as any actress I've worked with in this stuff.

1:34:24🔗 Best Of It really is good.

1:34:25🔗 Adam All right, Lorene, that's your new angle.

1:34:27🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:34:29🔗 There it is.

1:34:29🔗 Best Of She should actually try that tonight.

1:34:32🔗 Drew I'm thinking about the Holocaust.

1:34:43🔗 All right.

1:34:45🔗 Adam I think we got to take a break because we're.

1:34:50🔗 Caller All right, guys. Here's the deal. You're looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person.

1:34:55🔗 Best Of One call is all you need to make.

1:34:56🔗 Caller Call the Dateline.

1:34:57🔗 Caller 877-889-DATE.

1:35:13🔗 Adam Well, that's it. I want to thank Tom Arnold, and Patrick Fugit, and David Arquette, and Tony Hawk, and dear, dear friend, Alec Baldwin for all joining us tonight, even if it was unbeknownst to them.

1:35:24🔗 Drew And for all of you, and all of our guests, for supporting us all year long. This is the end of the year, that's it.

1:35:28🔗 Adam All right.

1:35:29🔗 Drew Game match set.

1:35:30🔗 Adam All right. Well, have a healthy and a happy, and we'll see you in the new year. Until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying, Mahalo. I'm going to say something amazingly profound right now. You can't articulate yourself any better than that. I did some gate porn with my mother, who I had sex with. Oh, come on.

1:36:17🔗 Yeah, a little yeet yeet on the peckeroo, peckeroo, peck, peck, peckeroo.

1:36:21🔗 Adam All right, I'm giving you all sex start now.

1:36:27🔗 Uh, I just got done whacking off to my mom.

1:36:32🔗 Adam Mommy, the world is your oyster. I mean, because that's all the world is. Drew is so jealous of my peckeroo. I'm the smartest of all the blue collar guys and I'm stupid. The point is, is if I can do it, anyone can do it.

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