Monday, November 10, 2003

0:55🔗 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually oriented content.

1:00🔗 That's Dr. Drew.

1:06🔗 Voiceover Phone number, 1-800-LOVE-191. Dr. Drew, board certified physician, addiction medicine specialist, and tonight, The Insult Comic Dog.

1:17🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank all of you fake people, yes.

1:21🔗 Adam I'm a big fan. I really am.

1:23🔗 Drew Yes. He said that. Adam said that last night, Triumph.

1:26🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Well, you know, he says a lot of things.

1:28🔗 Drew No, he does, but he never says like things about anybody who's funny.

1:30🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Well, get in line, bitch.

1:34🔗 Well, listen.

1:35🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Lots of fans here.

1:37🔗 Adam I know he insults, he antagonizes, he puts down, but that's not going to stop me from saying he's funny. The Insult Comic Dog is hilarious. I've discovered him as I guess most of America did on Conan O'Brien many, many years ago. Conan, by the way, has banned me from doing the show. Oh, yes.

2:00🔗 Drew Oh, officially.

2:01🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Please, it's nothing personal. It's simply that you suck.

2:05🔗 Drew I just thought it was just sort of a matter of fact you were being banned, but he actually made it a policy now.

2:10🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog No, it's sort of an unspoken understanding around the show. After Adam's last appearance, it was allowed to go unsaid, you know. It needn't be said, I guess.

2:25🔗 Adam A couple years ago when Jimmy was in town and they wanted Jimmy to come on the show, Jimmy said, well, I'll only do it if me and Adam come on the show.

2:34🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog That pretty much defines your whole career, doesn't it?

2:37🔗 Adam Well, now, hold on. Sometimes it's me and Drew. Sometimes it's me and Drew.

2:41🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog No, I know. Well, Drew, well, you know, not everyone can carry you.

2:46🔗 Adam It's got to be a man with a little more hair on his back than Drew on occasion. But the point is, Conan's people said, well, we'd love to have Adam, but we don't do teams. And it's funny because Drew and I had done the show some months earlier.

3:01🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Yeah, and then the guys from Mr. Show did it the next night, I think.

3:04🔗 Adam Siskel-Never the night after that.

3:05🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog It was just that night that they didn't do teams, don't you understand? Once a year, they don't do teams, and you happened to come on that night.

3:13🔗 Adam I just think the guy's a big pussy.

3:16🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Conan O'Brien?

3:18🔗 Adam Yes.

3:19🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog No, he's a visionary. Soon everyone will ban you from show business, Adam. It's only a matter of time.

3:26🔗 Adam Well, it is a trend.

3:29🔗 Drew What is your ethnicity?

3:31🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Oh, well.

3:32🔗 Drew I'm very curious.

3:33🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I'm very curious, too.

3:34🔗 Drew It sounds like a cyber. I mean, something comes from one of those sort of the negative cultures, one of those Doberman. No, no, no.

3:41🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog My dad is a toy rottweiler.

3:43🔗 Adam Toy rottweiler?

3:44🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog A toy rottweiler. Yes, yes.

3:46🔗 Drew I see the colorings, yes.

3:48🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Thank you. But I don't really think much about my origins. I think more about getting into another dog's ass.

3:57🔗 Drew I think Triumph, if we were human, would work at a falafel stand.

4:01🔗 Adam Yeah. I could see him doing that.

4:03🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Or kind of a no soup for you kind of thing.

4:05🔗 Adam Yeah, let's try that. Let's say you were just working selling falafels and I said, like, I'm going to have the chicken shawarma with a side of hummus. How much for that?

4:19🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I would say, I'll give you a chicken shawarma for me to poop on. And then I would actually take a dump in the shawarma. And then you would get it, and I don't know how much it would cost.

4:33🔗 I would give you a piece.

4:34🔗 Drew How about if you get the poop separate?

4:35🔗 Adam The Kafka kind of does look like a poo.

4:36🔗 Drew If you get the poop separate from the shawarma, you'd think it.

4:39🔗 Adam I'd get that on the side, yeah.

4:41🔗 Drew You don't have that on the menu, though.

4:43🔗 Adam They're not real flexible.

4:44🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Because you are poop on the side.

4:46🔗 Adam They're not a flexible people, the Middle Easterns. I think we've learned that over the last several years. Flexibility. You know what we need to do? No, it's not tab. Oh, yeah, this is sort of this beverage. This is for me wrapping as a Middle Eastern confectionery.

4:59🔗 No, cannot have. No, cannot have.

5:02🔗 Adam That's what you hear when you come to Falafel.

5:04🔗 No, no, no, you cannot have.

5:06🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog No, no mixing.

5:07🔗 Adam No, cannot have.

5:08🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Read manual.

5:09🔗 No, no, get fired. No.

5:11🔗 Adam Yeah.

5:12🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Okay, all right.

5:13🔗 Adam That's what it sounds like.

5:14🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I hear you, I hear you. I don't know what it has to do with stooping. Well, I thought this was show. I thought you were going to furnish me with some Pekingese, and we were going to have a...

5:24🔗 Adam We're planning on it.

5:25🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog All right.

5:26🔗 Adam It's coming out. It's coming out. Okay, let me tell you something about Triumph. Triumph's got a CD out.

5:35🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Oh, yes.

5:36🔗 Adam They're the band that plays that guitar that's shaped like a triangle. Yes.

5:41🔗 Drew Triumph is?

5:42🔗 Adam Yeah. I think they sung...

5:43🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Oh, the Canadian band.

5:44🔗 Adam Yeah. I think they sung some stuff for Stallone in the Rocky movies. But this is a different Triumph. This is... This is the Insult Comic Dog. And the CD, Drew. You listening?

5:57🔗 Drew I want to see it. Here it is.

5:58🔗 Adam It's called Come Poop With Me.

6:00🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Come Poop With Me is my tribute to my old pal, Frank Sinatra. Oh, yeah. Oh, we had a lot of fun in the 60s, Frank and I.

6:07🔗 Adam It is out as we speak.

6:09🔗 Drew Not just songs, but interviews.

6:11🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Yes.

6:11🔗 Drew Oh, interesting.

6:12🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Frank and I used to have four ways with Angie Dickinson and Miss Piggy back in the day. I was always loyal to Frank, you know. I would always help Frank Barry Hookers in the desert.

6:28🔗 Adam Conan O'Brien is on the CD.

6:30🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Conan is on the CD, so there you go. He's not a pussy.

6:33🔗 Adam My Rudolph is on here, Horatio Sands, Adam Sandler.

6:37🔗 Drew He's a rapper, Underage B. Shawn.

6:39🔗 Adam Big name.

6:40🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Underage B. Shawn, that was a very unfortunate incident. Listen, she looked, she told, she was ten months old. I swear to God, she told me she was one. And believe me, she could use her tongue like a seven-year-old.

6:57🔗 Adam Oh, yeah. I mean, that's dog years, right? I mean, that's...

7:00🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog No, that's a seven years, that's human years. Oh, yes. This one, she knew her way around. It's these kids nowadays, you know, the Britney, they watched the Britney, and now all of them, you know, before they're even in season.

7:15🔗 Adam Do you... Yes. What do you think of some of the trends out there?

7:19🔗 Drew Oh, the pranks, oh, the tongue piercings, the scantily-clad women.

7:24🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Oh, the tattoos, oh, the scantily-clad women. No, it's all...

7:28🔗 Drew Triumph is no piercings.

7:30🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog It's not about the music anymore, you know? You watch these shows and you get these women with the ass shaking and the quaking and they don't even sing on like Saturday Night Live, you know, JLo goes out there and lip-syncs like, you know, it's like Barney the Dinosaur is a more convincing lip-syncher than JLo.

7:49🔗 Adam Do they lip-sync on SNL?

7:51🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Yes, they do, JLo and Britney, it's like ba-ba-ba, it's like HR. Puff and stuff now, watching these people.

7:58🔗 Adam I only watch it for the TV fun house.

8:01🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Yes, yes, that's a funny Jew.

8:05🔗 Adam Yeah, catch that, that's funny stuff there.

8:08🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Thank you.

8:08🔗 Adam I guess you know the guy.

8:11🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog No, no, no, no, no.

8:12🔗 Adam All right, all right, so the CD is out.

8:15🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Come poop with me.

8:16🔗 Adam We will hear something, we'll hear a cut off the poop CD.

8:20🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog We're going to hear a couple of cuts, actually, you'll see.

8:23🔗 Adam Two cuts.

8:23🔗 Drew Do we have to sort of screen them for profanity or anything before?

8:26🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Already done, already taken care of and discussed ad nauseam.

8:31🔗 Adam They're 11 seconds long, each, well one's nine seconds, one's 11 seconds, they're originally 433. All right, let's hop to the phones, what do you say Drew?

8:41🔗 Drew Sure enough, here we go.

8:41🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Yes, let's talk phones, let's have sex.

8:45🔗 Adam Pat? Yeah? You're 21.

8:47🔗 Caller Uh-huh.

8:49🔗 Adam You're on with The Insult Comic Dog.

8:52🔗 Caller Okay.

8:53🔗 Adam All right, big fan.

8:54🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Yeah, big fan, good for you.

8:56🔗 Adam What's up? Put them on hold for the okay.

9:01🔗 Drew Yeah, we don't, we're not tolerating that anymore.

9:03🔗 Adam Yeah, we just decided people have to be nice to our guests, even if they're dogs and even if they insult.

9:09🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog No, no, Pat could have a serious problem.

9:11🔗 Adam Good, I hope he dies while he's on hold.

9:13🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog All right, good.

9:14🔗 Adam Angie? You're 24?

9:17🔗 Caller Yep.

9:18🔗 Adam What's up?

9:20🔗 Caller Um, I'm just wondering why at 24 I've lost all appetite for sex.

9:27🔗 Adam Do you have a boyfriend?

9:30🔗 Caller Yeah.

9:30🔗 Drew Is their relationship going okay? Sort of.

9:33🔗 Adam What's that mean?

9:34🔗 Drew What do you mean sort of?

9:36🔗 Caller I asked him to take a break here because I've had a lot of stuff going on.

9:40🔗 Drew So you're not into this guy really?

9:42🔗 Adam Yeah, I'm not into him.

9:44🔗 Caller Um, not at this moment. I don't know if it's just that he treats me good or I've just got too much stuff going on.

9:52🔗 Adam You need a bad boy.

9:55🔗 Drew Are you depressed?

9:55🔗 Caller No, he's not.

9:56🔗 Drew He's really.

9:57🔗 Adam I know he's not. That's what you need. That's like Triumph. Triumph is a bad boy.

10:04🔗 Drew Are you depressed?

10:06🔗 No.

10:06🔗 Drew Do you want any medication?

10:08🔗 No.

10:08🔗 Drew Birth control pills?

10:09🔗 No.

10:10🔗 Adam What was your, what do you use them for protection?

10:15🔗 Drew What?

10:16🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Condoms?

10:17🔗 Caller Mm-hmm.

10:17🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Liver flavored for her pleasure?

10:19🔗 Caller Mm-hmm.

10:23🔗 Adam That's good dog humor.

10:24🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Well, you know, you have to be responsible.

10:28🔗 Adam Angie?

10:29🔗 Caller Uh-huh?

10:29🔗 Adam Is your dad a bad guy?

10:31🔗 Caller Uh, we don't want to talk about him.

10:33🔗 Drew Yeah, that's what we got. That's what's going on.

10:36🔗 Caller Well, actually, I don't know my real dad.

10:38🔗 My stepfather is, um, I don't know.

10:42🔗 We never really did have a good relationship.

10:45🔗 Adam Well, we got to need bad boys now.

10:46🔗 Maybe we got to...

10:47🔗 Caller He's having a mama who recovered. He's trying to recover from alcohol. Mom's a recovered alcoholic.

10:56🔗 Adam Let me tell you what, stepdad plus booze equals rape. Yeah. Because you don't...

11:03🔗 Drew Not from him. Not from him. He doesn't say that. It just means equals rape.

11:07🔗 Adam Well, that's true, but... Twice.

11:11🔗 Drew Twice. Well, here's the deal. When you have that kind of a traumatic history, women oftentimes go through periods of sort of fluctuating sexual arousal where they get super hyper aroused and then they kind of completely shut down and become depriving of themselves. That's part of the biology of what happens when you've been through traumatic history like this.

11:29🔗 Adam Triumph. Isn't all dog sex rape?

11:31🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I would recommend.

11:33🔗 Adam Isn't it all rape? Isn't it all rape? Dog sex in the dog sex world? Isn't it all rape? Or is none of it rape?

11:41🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I say none of it is rape. I say all she needs to do is rent Iditarod Huskies Gang Bang Volume 4.

11:48🔗 Adam Oh, yeah.

11:49🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog That'll sprout the pink thing on anybody's lipstick.

11:54🔗 Adam Kuba Gooding Jr. believes in that one, doesn't he?

11:56🔗 I think he's in that.

12:01🔗 Adam Smoking those cigars.

12:03🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I'm sorry. Kids, kids, don't stay off the cigars.

12:07🔗 Adam Well, you know, Triumph probably got started on the vaudevillian stage and maybe worked in the Catskills and stuff like that back then.

12:15🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Back then it was PC. Right.

12:17🔗 Adam Yes. All right. So what's Angie need to do? She needs to rent this Siberian Husky Gangbang for me? That's right.

12:24🔗 Drew She has a lot of different jobs. She can get involved with maybe some Al-Anon or ACAs and she comes from an alcoholic family history. She can get some therapy. You might help her with this sort of bipolar quality to her sexual arousal.

12:36🔗 Adam True. Triumph, did you know your parents?

12:39🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Of course I know my parents. Of course I know them. You know, my dad's on the road a lot. You know, I'm kind of like that. The poop doesn't fall far from the butthole, you know.

12:50🔗 Adam That's what I said.

12:51🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I like to hang out on the road. I have a bitch in every city.

12:54🔗 Adam Oh, really?

12:55🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Oh, yeah. Pomeranian in Seattle. I've got the Pekingese in San Francisco. In Los Angeles, I have Sandra Bernhardt.

13:05🔗 Adam Oh, Jesus. You're really slumming it. Can I just find another dog? Oh, she's so funny. She makes up for it.

13:12🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog It's exactly right. And, you know, since the Kabbalah, she's really into some wild stuff, man. She's into this stuff called missionary. Crazy.

13:22🔗 Adam I was reading today where Madonna's second kids book wasn't selling all that great. I was thinking a story, a 300-year-old story inspired by the Kabbalah that is written by some aging British-esque Detroit diva, really not selling well for the kids. Kids, they used to eat up the Kabbalah stories. When I was young, I remember you would hear the Kabbalah truck would drive by, you'd hear the sitar music, you'd come running out. It was huge. I can't believe those books aren't selling.

13:56🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog You know, I'm sorry. I'm not going to buy it. I'm not going to make fun of Madonna because she is the one celebrity who someday might actually bang a dog, you know. Got to keep hope alive.

14:08🔗 Adam That's true. Yeah, I guess as a dog, that's your greatest. To get to the human? It's to get into another species. Oh, yes. Because the best looking dog is still not as hot as the ugliest female, right?

14:23🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I've even shtooped cats.

14:25🔗 Drew Oh, yeah?

14:26🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Oh, yes. Cats are the greatest. Just never let one give you a hand job.

14:30🔗 Oh, yeah.

14:32🔗 Drew Or you can imagine the oral would be a lot rough, too.

14:34🔗 Adam Yeah, that sandpaper tongue can be rough, too.

14:36🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Well, you know, if you're into it, it's not bad.

14:39🔗 Adam No, because once my cat wore through the peanut butter, I could feel that tongue, and it was like having 80 grit on a orbital sander right up against the shlong.

14:50🔗 Drew Tramp, you're a whore.

14:52🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I'm a whore?

14:52🔗 Drew Yes.

14:53🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Well, yes. I belong here.

14:58🔗 Adam Drew? Not you, Drew. Caller Drew? You're 15? What's up?

15:05🔗 Caller Not too much. I was wondering how many times a day masturbating is normal?

15:14🔗 Drew Not once a day.

15:15🔗 Caller Well, like how many times would you have to do it to be a chronic masturbation?

15:20🔗 Drew It's different for different guys. Some guys are three times a day, some times are one.

15:23🔗 Caller Exactly.

15:24🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog By what definition is normal?

15:26🔗 Drew Well, here's what he's saying.

15:27🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Especially, well, do you do it with your hand or your tongue?

15:30🔗 Drew Well, I can see Triumph once he discovered his mouth. Sorry, that's no going back.

15:35🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Right.

15:35🔗 Adam Yeah, it's just the paw, the dog can't use its hand to pleasure itself. Can it, Triumph?

15:42🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Well, with the right lubrication.

15:44🔗 Adam Really?

15:44🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Yes, yes. There are products, but it's no match for the time.

15:48🔗 Adam No match. It's just, to me, the finishing part, that sounds tough with the mouth. You know what I mean? That's the deal breaker.

15:56🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Yeah, you wish.

15:57🔗 Drew Drew, here's the deal. If it's interfering with your life and it bothers you and you can't stop, that's hints that there might be a problem, and if that's the way you're feeling, that usually suggests also a history of sexual abuse in childhood.

16:16🔗 Adam What are you good for a day, Drew? Two, three. Two, three?

16:21🔗 Drew Whatever.

16:22🔗 Adam That's a little problem. I like to see more up at the five, six range, but you work on that. Two, three for a 15-year-old is nothing. I mean, Drew, what do you expect?

16:31🔗 Drew No, I'm not saying it's anything.

16:32🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Do you do it on the school bus?

16:34🔗 Drew Then that's something.

16:35🔗 Adam Really?

16:36🔗 Drew On the school bus?

16:37🔗 Adam I get a road one off every once in a while. Drew?

16:42🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Well, we're talking to the king here.

16:43🔗 Drew Yeah, it's true.

16:44🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Adam isn't exactly the barometer for...

16:48🔗 Adam Healthy masturbation.

16:49🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Well, no, just you're on the high percentile.

16:53🔗 Adam Wow.

16:53🔗 Drew I am so glad that Triumph can come here and break through some of your denials. When I bring it up, Triumph, he won't hear of it. He yells at me, how dare you?

17:01🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Maybe you just need to poop around the studio a couple of times.

17:05🔗 Drew Yeah, that's nice.

17:06🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Try to lighten the atmosphere.

17:08🔗 Adam He bust chops, he doesn't mean it.

17:10🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I key!

17:11🔗 Adam That's right, he gets it. Hear that, Drew? Jacob?

17:16🔗 Hey.

17:16🔗 Adam Jacob, you're 17. What's up?

17:19🔗 Caller Hey, just like to say real quick to Adam, you're a true comic genius.

17:22🔗 Adam Well, thank you.

17:25🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog For you to poop on. You see? Because he sucks, you see?

17:31🔗 Caller Guys, I've never laughed harder for five minutes than when you bashed the Star Wars Empire's guy.

17:39🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Oh, those bitches, those poor nerds. Someday I hope George Lucas CGI some girlfriends for those guys.

17:48🔗 Caller And Drew, you got some opera for us?

17:50🔗 Drew No, actually, I...

17:52🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Oh, come on, Drew, I've heard about this.

17:54🔗 Drew Oh, it's a good time.

17:55🔗 Adam You'll start howling if it starts.

17:56🔗 Drew Yeah, it hurts your ears.

17:57🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Yeah, I know. Who's kidding who? I haven't heard... I've heard you sing. I haven't heard howling like that since I caught my nuts in a lawn sprinkler.

18:08🔗 Drew Yeah. It's actually good. It's not a man of discriminating tastes. I mean, a gentleman of discriminating tastes.

18:25🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I would have thought it was a real singer.

18:28🔗 Adam It's not for you to poop on?

18:29🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog No, ifs, ands, buts or poopons. Sorry. He had me fooled.

18:43🔗 Adam Jacob?

18:44🔗 Caller Yeah, I had two quick questions for you guys. The first one is, for some reason, I can't seem to be able to orgasm whenever I'm standing up. And if I do, it takes 30 to 45 minutes, and it just hurts.

19:00🔗 Drew What a nice thing to know. You can stand in one position and nothing will happen.

19:05🔗 Adam Yeah, if your heels are touching hardwood, you're not going to actually have an orgasm. Yeah, maybe you don't want to break yourself of that.

19:12🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Are you afraid of getting stuck inside of it? Is that the problem?

19:20🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Because that's a common fear.

19:22🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog And it really happens very rarely.

19:25🔗 Drew And to humans, be fair.

19:27🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog It happens, I don't know. I mean, I'm just telling you from experience. Don't buy into the hype.

19:33🔗 Drew It rarely happens?

19:35🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog It rarely happens. And you know what? It's not as bad as it looks.

19:39🔗 Drew When it happens.

19:39🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog No, you just go with it.

19:42🔗 Drew You just keep running.

19:43🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog You go with it. Sometimes you even make conversation.

19:45🔗 Adam Drew, have you ever felt the cold sting of a neighbor's hose when you were stuck inside a bitch? I know Triumph has been there.

19:55🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Oh, yes. It's a pleasure pain, absolutely.

19:59🔗 Adam It's tough during the winter months. Jacob?

20:03🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Yes, Jacob, yes.

20:04🔗 Adam Jacob. Why do you want to be able to do this so when you're with your girlfriend, you can have an orgasm like when you're doing it pardon me, Triumph a doggy style?

20:17🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog That's fine. I didn't make up that term.

20:22🔗 Caller It's not necessarily a bad thing. I was just wondering if that's really weird.

20:26🔗 Drew No, there are guys that get into their masturbatory groove and that is their locked in.

20:34🔗 Adam Here's the problem is you can't beat off in the shower.

20:38🔗 Drew You can sit in the shower.

20:39🔗 Adam Come on, you'll drown. If you can't beat off in the shower, it limits your mobility.

20:47🔗 You can't go to camp.

20:49🔗 Adam You essentially can't shower.

20:50🔗 Drew You can't live.

20:51🔗 Adam You can't bathe yourself. What's your incentive for getting in the shower if you can't beat off? I don't even know what goes on in showers. I assume it's just beating off. I guess. I come out, I'm dry, bone dry, hair's dry, I still stink, sweat going on my brow. I'm just saying if you're traveling around...

21:12🔗 Drew You can use that spigot to hose it all down with afterwards. That's what it's there for.

21:17🔗 Adam I'm just saying as a 17 year old, if you can't beat off standing up, then you can't beat off in the shower, then you can't go to camp, and you can't go to your buddy's house, you can't essentially travel. So it limits your mobility.

21:30🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Can you beat off while you're leaning?

21:32🔗 Adam That's a good point. Jacob?

21:34🔗 Yeah.

21:36🔗 Adam Do you have to be completely horizontal or could you be up at a 45 degree angle, let's say?

21:41🔗 Caller It's still hard, but it does lower the time.

21:45🔗 Drew You have to be flat on your back.

21:47🔗 Caller Yeah, that's the only way to do it.

21:49🔗 Adam Do you need the leg lock? Is that what you need?

21:54🔗 Caller No, I mean, I guess basically just lying on my back is the only way I can do it.

22:00🔗 Adam Alright, well you need to do what I did when I was 17, break myself. Here's how I started though. I'd lay flat on my back, point my toes, my legs all stiff, and then right at the moment of orgasm, jump straight up and just go off like a rain bird. And that's when my stepmom would walk in. But that's how you can train yourself, if you can actually just pop up the second of orgasm.

22:25🔗 Drew I thought you were going to say just sort of slowly each time be a few degrees. Each time I would ratchet the bed up a couple degrees until eventually I was like Frankenstein on the slab.

22:35🔗 Adam Okay, we're going to take a break. The Insult Comic Dog is here tonight. Yes.

22:41🔗 Caller It's very funny.

22:44🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Thank you, fake people. Very touching.

22:47🔗 Adam Comic Come Poop With Me is the name of the CD. We're going to hear a cut off of that aforementioned CD. We also have a Germany or Florida to play. We'll explain to Triumph how this game works. It's sweeping the country, Drew, yes?

23:09🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog We're going to play right now?

23:10🔗 Adam No, we'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this. There, buddy, it's Loveline and Adam. That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LE-VE-191. Tomorrow night, Lincoln Park is going to be in here.

23:34🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Oh, what a great band.

23:36🔗 Adam You like them?

23:37🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog The Chinese guy in Chester. It's always the same song. Every song is like, I'm a Chinese guy, I'm a rapping guy, I'm a Chinese guy, I'm a-

23:48🔗 Adam That's the band.

23:49🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog That's them, every song is this.

23:51🔗 Adam Then Cypress Hill, the following night. Yeah, same, they kind of do the same thing too, right Triumph?

23:58🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Oh, exactly. It's like, no difference.

24:03🔗 Adam And then there's Papa Roach in here on Thursday night. Again, that's pretty much the same thing about the Chinese guy. The rap guy screams, Chester screams.

24:13🔗 Drew Cypress Hill, they're a little, they're a fusal of marijuana into the whole mix though, right?

24:17🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Still a Chinese guy and-

24:19🔗 Drew A rapping guy.

24:22🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Still thing, same thing.

24:24🔗 Adam The Insult Comic Dog is here tonight. He has a CD out called Come Poop With Me. We're gonna hear something off that CD. Lot of big names on this. Adam Sandler is the executive producer. He's gotta be great. And how does he get to be executive producer? How does that work? Do you have a relationship with him? Do you know his dog?

24:46🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog It's something you don't, you know, you have to put yourself in Adam Sandler's position, you know, the position of someone who's very successful in show business, you see? He can do anything that they want. So he said, I want to make a record with Triumph. And about 80 ass kissers said, what time and where?

25:11🔗 Adam Well, the Triumph is very simple. He's the, he's the comic's comic dog.

25:17🔗 Drew Yeah, I can see that.

25:18🔗 Adam I mean, a lot of-

25:18🔗 Drew Well, you brought him up last night with a great glowing-

25:20🔗 Adam A lot of industry, a lot of industry. People like him.

25:23🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog A lot of, yes, people in the back of the room.

25:26🔗 Adam I used to like him too.

25:28🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog No, hey, what?

25:30🔗 Adam No, that's what he does. That's what he does. All right, now it's time to play Germany or Florida.

25:37🔗 Drew Well, explain the Triumph.

25:38🔗 Adam Please, please. You're a suck-up, Triumph. You've traveled around. I'm sure you've seen a lot of this.

25:42🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Oh, please.

25:43🔗 Adam We've decided-

25:44🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Everywhere.

25:45🔗 Adam I was over at Jimmy Kimmel Live. I'm sure you're a fan of his show as well.

25:50🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Oh, that show. Everyone's talking about that show.

25:53🔗 Adam Right. It's a very popular show.

25:55🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Yeah, right.

25:57🔗 Adam And when we sit down in the writer's room every day, every weird story, every bizarre story, the occult and the macabre, all comes out of either Germany or Florida. So we decided to start this game called Germany or Florida. The-

26:12🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Anything that starts on the Jimmy Kimmel show has to be good.

26:16🔗 Adam Yeah, this is, well, actually, this never started on the Jimmy Kimmel show. It sat around for six months and eventually I put it on this show.

26:23🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog It wasn't good enough for the Jimmy Kimmel show.

26:27🔗 Adam Can you imagine?

26:27🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog And you're passing it off as entertainment.

26:31🔗 Adam I know.

26:31🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Oh my God.

26:32🔗 Adam Because I'm putting my own personal stink on it. And you know about putting your stink on something.

26:37🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Yes, yes, and that turns it into something else.

26:39🔗 Adam Yeah, that's right. You did that carpet scooch during the commercial. Yes.

26:44🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog All right, so need something to remember me by.

26:46🔗 Adam Ronnie reads the story. We decide Germany or Florida.

26:51🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Okay.

26:52🔗 Adam Go ahead, Ronnie.

26:57🔗 Drew Oh, you were trying to do that.

26:59🔗 Adam Yeah, go ahead, Ronnie.

27:02🔗 Yeah, hey guys, 13 year old kid, he's a boy. He's being tried for cruelty to animals. He took a kitten and put it in a shopping cart, beat it against the wall a few times, then he took it out, beat it with a stick, and then finished off by shoving the stick up its anus.

27:20🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Uh, yes, it's Florida. Yeah, I know the cat.

27:24🔗 Adam Yeah, oh yes, yes. That's tragic.

27:28🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Definitely Florida, well. If you like cats, it's tragic, yes.

27:34🔗 Adam Yeah, you're not a big fan.

27:35🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Well, you know.

27:37🔗 Adam Any port in a storm, but you don't like to hang out.

27:39🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Exactly, you got it.

27:41🔗 Adam All right, so we're gonna agree with Triumph on this one and go Florida, plus I don't think they.

27:45🔗 Drew Well, what do you think? Because Adam, you're never wrong.

27:47🔗 Adam This sounds like a Floridian thing to do, although the cruelty thing to animals, but I don't think they have shopping carts in Germany. I'm going Florida. They carry their food over there. What's up there, Ronnie, what is it?

27:59🔗 Oh, it's Florida, all right.

28:00🔗 Drew Florida?

28:01🔗 Caller Yep.

28:02🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Oh yes, they're more creatively cruel in Germany.

28:05🔗 Drew Yeah, that's a good point too.

28:07🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Larger scale cruelty.

28:09🔗 Adam Stick up, mop handle up the ass, been there, done that.

28:13🔗 Drew Old time, old fashion.

28:14🔗 Adam That's right. All right.

28:15🔗 Drew Travis is right, Florida would have been several cats. And some instrument to...

28:19🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog You mean Germany.

28:20🔗 Drew Germany, I bet you're probably hearing that. Let's hear, I think it's time for you to...

28:24🔗 Adam Yeah, we wanna hear some from Triumph.

28:26🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Are we going to hear some music, some rock-a-to-me, sock-a-to-me, or are we going to hear the phone call?

28:31🔗 Adam Well, we're gonna hear one called Ikeed.

28:34🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Okay, this is the single. I poop on everyone in the music industry and there's a video with this. It's going to be big. It's already buzz-worthy on MTV.

28:44🔗 Adam All right, well here it is. The Insult Comic Dog with Ikeed.

32:04🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Hey, my mom was a bitch too, but I don't go lighting songs about it.

32:20🔗 Adam The Insult Comic Dog. Oh, that is solid.

32:25🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I poop on the ball. Have you got to see the video?

32:28🔗 Adam Any backlash from any of the big celebs yet?

32:31🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Not yet, you know. I'm more worried about, actually, I wrote the whole song outing Benji. Benji's queer.

32:42🔗 Drew No.

32:42🔗 Adam Yes.

32:43🔗 Drew Weird, that's wild.

32:45🔗 Adam Yeah.

32:45🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog You didn't know about this?

32:46🔗 Adam I heard the third and the seventh Benji were gay.

32:49🔗 Drew I heard a rumor that he was sexually abused when he was three months.

32:52🔗 Adam The, the, uh, Benji.

32:54🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog That's such a, you know what? He's spinning it already.

32:57🔗 Drew Oh, really? So we're supposed to feel sorry for him?

32:59🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Oh, he's going to be on Barbara Walters. He always lands on his feet.

33:03🔗 Adam Yeah, you know, uh. Bitch. Is Benji still alive? He must have family.

33:09🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Whichever Benji it is, he's queer. Benji's queer. Benji's gay. He sees two balls and he barks, hooray! It's pretty much the song.

33:20🔗 Adam It's catchy.

33:21🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Yes, it's a good one.

33:22🔗 Adam Alright, we have a lesbian.

33:24🔗 Yes!

33:25🔗 Adam That's, uh, that's, well, you know, that's when two people, two females like each other. Angie?

33:32🔗 Yes.

33:33🔗 Adam You're 21?

33:34🔗 Caller Yes.

33:35🔗 Adam What's up?

33:36🔗 Caller Okay, well, I'm 21 and well, I like this girl. And she's straight, though. She's been my friend for, I would say, eight years around that. And I really, really like her.

33:46🔗 Drew Have you, whoa, whoa, whoa, have you had a girlfriend?

33:48🔗 Caller Oh, yeah, yeah.

33:49🔗 Drew And what happened to your last girlfriend?

33:51🔗 Caller Oh, we broke up, problems with my family. So I just, you know, we just separated.

33:55🔗 Drew Recently? Recently?

33:56🔗 About two months ago.

33:58🔗 Drew I'm trying to figure out what's making you go after a straight girl.

34:01🔗 Adam Oh, she's straight?

34:03🔗 Drew You said she's straight, right?

34:04🔗 Caller Yes, she's straight.

34:06🔗 Drew Why would you go after somebody...

34:07🔗 Caller It's just the way she acts with me. I mean, I love her personality. I love the way she is.

34:12🔗 Drew No, I understand that you're sort of feeling intimate with her, but she's not going to be romantic with you or sexual with you, because she's straight.

34:19🔗 Caller No, I know that, but the thing is that...

34:21🔗 Adam A couple of wine coolers, these days every girl is pretty pliable.

34:25🔗 Drew What's the equivalent in Triumph's world for wine coolers?

34:28🔗 Caller No, the thing is that every time I go with my friends to a gay club, she always wants to come. You know, always. Like, okay, I'll go with you. Or, you know, whenever...

34:37🔗 Drew She's your friend and she cares about you, but it doesn't mean she's ready to be romantic.

34:39🔗 Adam I think if you leave a snossage in the sun long enough, you can catch a buzz. Oh, it'll ferment?

34:45🔗 Drew Yeah. He becomes loose and energetic at that point?

34:47🔗 Adam Triumph told me, sort of in confidence during the commercial, that's the way he gets the bitches a little loopy.

34:52🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Is it this weird to be a gay hitting on the street? Adam, you never get hit on by, like, you know, Ryan Seacrest or something?

34:59🔗 Adam No.

35:00🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Never happens in show business?

35:02🔗 Adam It's never happened that I've been hit on.

35:05🔗 Drew He talked to me.

35:06🔗 Adam Ryan did?

35:06🔗 Drew Yeah, does that mean...

35:07🔗 Adam No. No, I got the mono-brown, the sort of monotone hair on the ass.

35:14🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog You're not the gay man's dream. You're not tidy enough.

35:16🔗 Drew The guys like the bear types.

35:18🔗 Adam Yeah, there's a certain... But you see, I'm not fat enough for the bear fans. And I'm not ass-hairless enough for the prim gays.

35:27🔗 Drew You're in between.

35:28🔗 Adam And my ass is like an overgrown vacant lot. You can't play ball there. You go to the park. You're not going to find anything there.

35:37🔗 Drew There's no amount of... You need a heavy equipment to clear it out.

35:42🔗 Adam It's a mess. Yeah. Yeah. I've often said, Triumph, that finding my asshole is like finding Santa's mouth. It's a lot of hair. It's a lot of stuff to get through there.

35:54🔗 Drew But that's what he knows. That's his experience with this.

35:57🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Do you have trouble with the crust around it?

35:59🔗 Adam Yeah, I will. That's why I do it.

36:03🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog It's all about the...

36:05🔗 Adam Yeah. It is.

36:10🔗 Drew Angie.

36:10🔗 Caller Yes.

36:11🔗 Drew So what we're basically getting to here is that you going after a straight girl is going to be a waste of time.

36:16🔗 Caller Well, yeah. You know, should I keep on? Is it just wasting my time?

36:20🔗 Drew Yes, you're wasting your time. You can make one sort of pass at it if you want.

36:26🔗 Caller You know what? Last week we went out and there's this girl who says she's straight, super straight, but we made out and everything.

36:33🔗 Drew Yeah, but sometimes girls are curious or experimenting, but you're only going to get hurt unless she's lesbian. Unless she's ready to get in a relationship, it's going to hurt you to sort of go down that path and have her just be experimenting.

36:43🔗 Caller Yeah, it's like you getting… It's in the way she was with me, though. You know, we go out and she wants me to be touching her. She wants me to be hugging her all the time.

36:50🔗 Drew Angie, just listen to me. She may… Well, first of all, you have to ask her, are you lesbian or do you think you are?

36:56🔗 Caller They asked her, my friend, and she's like, oh no, hell no.

36:59🔗 Drew Okay, so she is.

37:00🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog That's a good sign.

37:02🔗 Drew She may be experimenting. If she is, that's only going to sort of be alluring to you and get you in further than you need to be, and then she's going to be gone. So why do that to yourself?

37:11🔗 Adam Angie, what's going on with your life besides you trying to tag lesbians?

37:18🔗 Drew Not lesbians, straight chicks, which is worse.

37:20🔗 Adam Straight chicks and turn them out. What are you doing?

37:23🔗 Caller What am I doing?

37:26🔗 Adam I smell some junior college coming from you.

37:30🔗 Caller Yes, you're right.

37:31🔗 Adam Yeah, shocking.

37:34🔗 Drew Adam is as good at that as he is at Germany and Florida.

37:37🔗 Adam I really am. Where are you working?

37:40🔗 Caller Right now at a nursing home.

37:41🔗 Drew Right now? Hold on a second. That's always a bad sign.

37:44🔗 Adam No one ever goes, right now, I'm a physicist. They just answer with physicists. Right now, that's a bad sign. Angie, what are you doing right now?

37:54🔗 Caller At a nursing home.

37:55🔗 Adam Uh-oh. A lot of poop over there, Triumph, a lot of excess poop. What do you do over there, Angie?

38:02🔗 Caller I work for the dietary.

38:05🔗 Adam So you basically cut the jello into squares?

38:08🔗 Drew No, no. She checks the temperature of everything before it goes out to the patients.

38:11🔗 Adam Really? Yeah.

38:12🔗 Drew What do you got?

38:13🔗 Adam What do you got? What do those geezers care for?

38:15🔗 Drew There's all kinds of laws about that stuff. Oh, really? Oh, yes.

38:17🔗 Adam Wait a minute. Keep up the good work, Angie. What goes on with that?

38:21🔗 Drew I'm not a dieter. You've got one on the line there. There's certain regulations about how the food is presented and prepared and stuff.

38:28🔗 Adam Really?

38:29🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Only in this country.

38:30🔗 Adam Angie?

38:31🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog That's crazy.

38:32🔗 Adam Angie, why do you have to check the temperature of the food before it goes out to the old folks?

38:36🔗 Caller Oh, you know, why do we have to check it? Well, because it has to be warm enough, good enough for them, and it's healthy. We can't be serving cold food to them.

38:45🔗 Drew And not too hot, so it burns them.

38:47🔗 Adam Mm-hmm.

38:52🔗 Drew Make sure you get the right balance, the right calorie count, so yeah, this is an important job, actually.

38:55🔗 Adam I understand the temperature part. I mean, yeah, I understand the food can't be on fire when they consume it or can't be frozen with a fork stuck in it, but all places that the movie theaters have to do that, too, don't they? Ballparks?

39:09🔗 Drew Check the temperature?

39:09🔗 Adam Restaurants? I mean, so that's a gig?

39:13🔗 Drew The traditional food is, I don't know, but here's the deal, if it's not hot enough, the bacteria can grow in it.

39:19🔗 Adam So you got a blow on it, right?

39:21🔗 Drew It's health care.

39:21🔗 Adam Here's the reality. Old people do nothing but complain, especially the Jews, right? And if they get anything that's just a little bit this way or a little bit that way, you never hear the end of it.

39:31🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog God forbid they should get a worm in their stool.

39:34🔗 Adam No, see, they don't know real tragedy, do they, Triumph?

39:41🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog No, you have to treat old people gently, you know? One time I humped Elizabeth Taylor's hip and yeah, it broke it, yeah, yeah, that was not good. Stay away from that.

39:53🔗 Drew No, these things, actually, you know, there are things in the healthcare systems that are burdensome, a problem. This is not one of those things.

39:59🔗 Adam No, I've labeled it a burden, some problem, and when I'm in charge it will go away. Old people will either get frozen food or food that's on fire, there will be nothing in between.

40:09🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog What if she could turn old people into gay people?

40:12🔗 Adam That I think she could.

40:14🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Put them to use.

40:15🔗 Adam I think she's an injection away from doing that, just that shot in the IV tube.

40:20🔗 Drew That's what we know.

40:21🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Straight is straight, gay is gay, you know. You can't turn, Ricky Martin once licked my balls for three hours, nothing happened.

40:29🔗 Adam Didn't turn you.

40:30🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Nothing.

40:30🔗 Adam Not gay.

40:31🔗 Drew Still not gay.

40:32🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Still not gay.

40:34🔗 Drew I know.

40:34🔗 Adam I've been corn-holed by the best of them and never turned me.

40:38🔗 Drew Really? From the canine world or from all types, all species?

40:41🔗 Adam Manatees, everything. I've never been turned.

40:44🔗 Drew Keep trying.

40:45🔗 Adam I'm trying.

40:45🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog You know, I appreciate the effort.

40:47🔗 Adam All right. We're going to take ourselves a little break. The Insult Comic Dog, here tonight, got himself a new CD out called Come Poop With Me.

40:56🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Oh, yes.

40:56🔗 Adam And we'll be right back after this.

41:20🔗 Drew My kids are always like, you're good, keep going.

41:34🔗 Adam You got lost. Try not to insult Comic Dog, everybody.

41:37🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Sorry, I'm not down with the rap to myself.

41:41🔗 Adam It was good, but this is not his forte.

41:44🔗 Drew I like my forte rapping.

41:46🔗 Yeah, you rap.

41:49🔗 Adam The CD is called Come Poop With Me. We're going to hear another amazing cut off of the new CD in the 11 o'clock hour. Let's hop back to the phones. Again, tomorrow night, Lincoln Park and then Cypress Hill and Papa Roach in here in the next few days. Leo?

42:08🔗 Caller Hello?

42:09🔗 Adam You're 24? What's up?

42:12🔗 Caller Hi, nothing much. I'd just like to say that Dr. Drew's book has reached all the way to Champaign, Illinois. And we discussed it one time in our class, in our humanities class.

42:23🔗 Drew Wow, University of Illinois?

42:25🔗 Caller Yes, it's at Champaign now, not at Chicago.

42:29🔗 Adam Triumph, if you put it down...

42:30🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog This is the one copy of the book?

42:32🔗 Drew The one that was sold.

42:38🔗 Caller In what context was it discussed?

42:40🔗 Caller In the part that deals with the addiction and stuff like that. Because our professor asked us if any of us have dealt with that in our past. And I said, yes, I have dealt with that. And I didn't mind saying it because it was dealing with such a... I don't know, it was just so cool to say it at the time. It felt so comfortable to say it. It's something that's...

43:05🔗 Drew It's something that stigmatized me the same way. But thank you for bringing that up in the book. Drug use, depression, mental health issues. And the book is called Cracked. If you're interested, I put a lot of my life into it.

43:17🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Come poop with me.

43:18🔗 Drew Come poop with me on the other hand.

43:21🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog It's your turn to plug.

43:22🔗 Adam You put a lot of your soul into that.

43:24🔗 Drew I can see that.

43:27🔗 Adam And again, a year's worth of work for you is seven for Triumph.

43:30🔗 Drew Absolutely.

43:30🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I ate twenty burritos before I crapped that up.

43:33🔗 Drew Look at the hot bitches on the front.

43:36🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Oh, yes.

43:37🔗 Adam The Olsen twins on flanking him. There's some shots of him in the studio having sex with poodles. It's great. Let's take another call. Thomas.

43:50🔗 Caller Yeah, hi. Adam. Why were you kicked from the Conan O'Brien show?

43:56🔗 Adam Keith.

43:57🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog No, Adam was kicked.

44:00🔗 Adam I did the show a few years back. Conan sort of hung me out there to dry a little bit. He sort of sits back and folds his arms. No, I did it again after that. And then he decided I was a little too blue. He was just kind of a pussy about the whole thing.

44:15🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog You were blue?

44:17🔗 Adam I think. Not brown like you. I work blue.

44:21🔗 Drew See, I guess they can handle the poo humor, but not the masturbation humor that Adam relies upon.

44:26🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Are you kidding? We have a character called the masturbating bear, the most popular thing. I'm telling you, it was just the day Adam was there.

44:32🔗 Adam Yeah, it was a tough day.

44:34🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog It was, you know.

44:37🔗 Adam I'll tell you, Conan's a funny guy and all. Not that funny, but pretty funny.

44:43🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog It's very funny, man.

44:45🔗 Adam I'll tell you what he does as a host. He'll sort of just sit back and fold his arms and lean back and let you hang for a while. He doesn't jump in and help you out, like I do with Triumph.

44:58🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I need help, you know. Conan, I think Conan, I see Conan on the show and he's a laugh a minute. I really think so.

45:07🔗 Adam He's a smart guy.

45:09🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Very smart. He can tell when an interview is tanking and he might as well lean back.

45:15🔗 Drew That's what he says back.

45:16🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Does this sound familiar?

45:20🔗 Adam I think that's what it was. Seriously, the problem with Conan and Leno and Letterman is that they're not human beings. They just sit there and you can't really have a conversation with them. You can only have a fake conversation with them while the TV cameras are going. And they never stop dancing. I guess Letterman, because he's been on the air for 40 years, can sit back just a little bit and let you do your thing. But Conan never stops dancing. He's like, always on. Just relax. It's really horrible. And Leno's doing the same thing. They're constantly in a reloading mode. And it's just uncomfortable to even talk to them. They're like non-human beings.

46:03🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I love Conan. Tomorrow on the show?

46:07🔗 Adam Letterman, the greatest guy in the world that everyone hates. Really, everyone's like Isaac Rake.

46:12🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I'm on Leno tomorrow, by the way.

46:14🔗 Adam Oh, really?

46:15🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I'm on Leno, so if you're in the LA area, please show up. I don't want 300 grandmas who are like, Where's Seabiscuit? I thought it was Seabiscuit.

46:25🔗 Adam No, it's going to be horrible.

46:27🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog It's going to be horrible?

46:28🔗 Adam It's going to be a whole bunch of old folks that get off a bus. It's going to be a nightmare.

46:33🔗 Drew You'll enjoy it, though.

46:34🔗 Adam No, you stay here.

46:35🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Seriously?

46:35🔗 Adam Stay here. You'll bomb over there. It's not going to work. You stay here. The Comic Insult Dog. All right. Jump by Grand Canyon on the moped, on the moped if you want a challenge. Triumph is here tonight. Got a new CD out. We'll hear some more of that after this. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline, I'm Adam. Lincoln Park in here tomorrow night. And then, who else? Cypress Hill, Piper Roach.

47:20🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Cypress Hill, Piper Roach.

47:21🔗 Adam Big fan. Big fan, yes?

47:23🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Thursday night. I'm learning about them tonight. No idea who the hell these people are.

47:29🔗 Adam The Insult Comic Dog is in the studio tonight.

47:32🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Oh, you know, yes, I come from a musical background, yes.

47:36🔗 Adam Oh, really?

47:36🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Did I already do these jokes?

47:38🔗 Adam No, no. Tell us, tell us.

47:41🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Well, my papa, you know, my papa sang in Yiddish theater.

47:44🔗 Adam Oh, really?

47:46🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Gescheit mit michen Puppen, geschlichten nachen Duspen. And then my mom is an Afghan who looks exactly like Celine Dion. And my sister is not a musical, but she smells exactly like Christine Aguilera. Oh, yeah. Very pungent.

48:10🔗 Adam Yeah, and a dog knows because a dog's sense of smell is like a thousand times more keen than human.

48:17🔗 Caller Oh, sure, sure.

48:18🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I can tell it gets me into trouble, my sense of smell.

48:21🔗 Adam I want to ask you a couple things.

48:23🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Adam, you need to change the condom in your wallet.

48:25🔗 Adam Oh, really?

48:26🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Yes, yes, sorry.

48:28🔗 Adam You can tell.

48:28🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Yes, and I can tell the last time you've had sex, just for...

48:32🔗 Drew Any skin cancer on him?

48:33🔗 Adam Yeah, anything?

48:36🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Adam, 30 seconds ago.

48:37🔗 Adam I gave Ann a quickie in the bathroom.

48:40🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I think it was yourself.

48:42🔗 Drew Oh, well, yeah.

48:43🔗 Adam Lice, I call my hand Ann.

48:45🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Oh, I get it. It's confusing. What are you standing up?

48:49🔗 Adam I do one knee, I grab a knee. I call it grabbing a knee.

48:52🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Are you in the stall?

48:55🔗 Adam I try to aim toward the stall, but if I'm in, I get too much back spray.

48:59🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Right, right.

49:00🔗 Drew This is an important question you're building to here.

49:02🔗 Adam Oh, yeah.

49:02🔗 Drew I want to know the answer to this too.

49:03🔗 Adam Well, I have...

49:04🔗 Drew But the smell.

49:04🔗 Adam Okay, a couple of questions. We rarely get to speak to dogs. I wonder if they say that a dog's sense of smell is a thousand times more powerful, why after they take a crap, they bury their nose in it? You know, it seemed like it would be overwhelming a thousand times more pungent than it is to the human nose. Or just...

49:24🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog It's all relative. I don't know what you have the problem with the crap.

49:27🔗 Adam No, I mean, does it...

49:28🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Have you ever eaten crap? Have you ever tasted it? You know, it gets such a bad name all the time. But, you know, just try it once.

49:38🔗 Drew But our question is, if we had the sense of smell of a dog a thousand times more powerful, would poo start to smell like lilacs?

49:45🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Smell like lilacs.

49:46🔗 Adam Yeah, you see what I'm saying?

49:48🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I understand that, you know...

49:50🔗 Adam It's hard for me.

49:51🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I can't put myself in your shoes. I don't know what your... I think it's a cultural thing. I think you're taught as a child...

49:59🔗 Drew That poo is bad.

50:00🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog You're probably abused.

50:01🔗 Drew Yes, yes.

50:02🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog And forced to think that poo doesn't smell good.

50:05🔗 Drew To eat poo.

50:06🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog No, that it doesn't smell good.

50:07🔗 Drew In other words, for a dog, there's a bouquet to the poo that we miss.

50:10🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Not just dogs, Indonesians as well.

50:13🔗 Drew Oh, really?

50:14🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Or you go over there, they eat poo like nobody's business. Yes, you see? Cultural.

50:20🔗 Drew Yes, well, there you have a point.

50:21🔗 Adam I also had an idea about crotch sniffing dogs. I know all dogs sniff crotch. Here's my idea, and maybe you could help me spearhead this idea.

50:33🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog On all ears.

50:35🔗 Adam There are dogs that sniff out gunpowder, dogs that sniff out cocaine, marijuana and all. They can train them to sniff anything, right? You look at them as narcs, as dogs, right?

50:47🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Pathetic, whores.

50:48🔗 Adam Right, selling out to the man. But what I'm saying is, a dog could smell an infection on a woman, if you know what I'm saying. There are certain subtle differences to infections. And instead of taking a woman and putting her up on the stirrups and having her go through the humiliation of the gynecological exam, a dog, we could just run a dog by him and they'd stop and they'd start wagging their tail and you know that's yeast.

51:13🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Stop putting us to work, man.

51:15🔗 Adam You're saying you don't like that.

51:16🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I just don't like my sense of smell being exploited for good.

51:21🔗 Adam He's not going to whore out his nose.

51:23🔗 Drew No, it would be great if we had the candidate yeast dog, the gonorrhea dog, the syphilis dog and they just each have a little sweater with gonorrhea and yeast on it. And they'd run by.

51:32🔗 Adam When Rodman threw a party they'd be by the front door and start barking.

51:36🔗 Drew It'd be a series of them.

51:39🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog We do that as sport, you know? Absolutely. Courtney Love walks by and we're like, what is it today?

51:45🔗 Right. Right.

51:46🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog That kind of thing.

51:49🔗 Adam Let's take some phone calls here and speak to Carly, who's 25. Carly?

51:56🔗 How are you? Good. I have a question for Triumph. I was wondering what do you think of the Average Joe show and the chicks leg on there?

52:10🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog And the chicks what?

52:10🔗 I'm really nervous right now. I'm sorry.

52:12🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Oh, please. You're nervous?

52:14🔗 Drew Yes.

52:14🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog You're talking to someone who eats his own crap. We've lowered the bar for you. Okay. There's nothing lower.

52:22🔗 Adam Triumph is on the show tonight too.

52:24🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Now please. What? Now what? Average Joe. And what was the second thing?

52:28🔗 What do you think of the chick on there? Her leg?

52:31🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Her leg. I wouldn't kick her leg out of bed for eating crackers. I'd hump that thing.

52:39🔗 Adam Do you have a preference? You like a right leg, a left leg or it doesn't matter?

52:42🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog It depends on the person, you know, like Sam Donaldson's left leg is kick ass, you know, just a really firm shin and nice and long and very well-informed.

52:56🔗 Adam Will you go at a leg backside ever or is it always shin side?

53:00🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I really, I'm a shin guy. I'm a shin guy, you know, there's some, some guys, some dogs like to kink it up and go the other way, but, you know, yeah, but I'm a tradition, is it your shin and instep? I'm a shin guy, you know, and when I sniff a crotch, it's, you know, straight up. It's never from underneath.

53:20🔗 Adam I like that. That's old school. We need more of that.

53:23🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Yes. Yes.

53:24🔗 Caller Hey Carly. Yeah.

53:26🔗 Adam You okay?

53:26🔗 Caller Yeah.

53:27🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I learned from Buddy Hackett, by the way.

53:31🔗 Adam Bless his soul.

53:31🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Cone and rocks. You hung up on cone and rocks. There's a vote for cone and then you hung up.

53:36🔗 Adam She hung up. Carly hung up on herself.

53:39🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Because she knew she was beating you to it. That's why. She knows she knows what's going on here.

53:45🔗 Adam I'm a big fan.

53:47🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Yes. Join the club.

53:51🔗 Adam You have to kiss Cone's ass. I mean he gave you your break, right Triumph? I mean. It's not.

53:56🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Please. I have pictures of him naked. He owes me. I'm doing this out of survival. Oh, no, I did it. You got it out of me.

54:11🔗 Adam Drop the F bomb. That one.

54:14🔗 Drew Wow.

54:14🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Okay. Six seconds of silence.

54:16🔗 Drew Let me go. Let's get your. Let's get his training collar. I'll give him a correction.

54:19🔗 Adam Yeah.

54:20🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Get an electric fence before in front of the microphone.

54:23🔗 Adam Hey, Pat.

54:25🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Yeah.

54:26🔗 Adam You're 21. What's up?

54:29🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Yes.

54:30🔗 Caller I've been going out with this girl for about 14 months now and we've messed around in bed sometimes and she's done oral on me and she complains about my taste and I've heard that what I eat can affect how I taste. So I was wondering if you knew what foods to avoid, what foods are good.

54:48🔗 Adam Triumph's tastes like poo. Yes, Triumph.

54:52🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Well, I, I, I, does she say yours tastes like poo? Did she describe the taste?

54:58🔗 Caller She said it was like sour, sour, really unpleasant.

55:03🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I would avoid dried up chicken bones.

55:06🔗 Caller Yeah.

55:07🔗 Adam Yeah. And coffee grounds are bad too, I think.

55:10🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Well, there, it's going to be hard to give those up.

55:16🔗 Caller Yeah.

55:17🔗 Adam You interested in changing your diet? What do you, well, now why aren't you having sex with this girl?

55:26🔗 Caller Well, for religious reasons, really.

55:29🔗 Drew Because this is a bogus call.

55:30🔗 Adam Yeah, it's bogus.

55:31🔗 Drew Yeah, I got bogus from the second he opened his mouth.

55:33🔗 Adam Yeah, Pat, you're full of crap. Yeah, thanks. Okay, listen, speaking of religion, we'll see you in hell, all right? Conan Rocks! Conan Rocks!

55:41🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Wait, he said Conan Rocks. He's cool.

55:43🔗 Adam No, he's a jackass. All right, Pat, go jack yourself off and drink it, would you?

55:49🔗 Drew Good times.

55:50🔗 Caller All right, Pat's a great guy.

55:53🔗 Adam I like this sort of belligerent, bogus caller, too, who gets busted and then just shuts up.

55:59🔗 Drew Yeah.

56:00🔗 Adam Pat, just kill yourself, would you, please? All right, we have a Germany or Florida now. Now the tribe knows how the game is played.

56:07🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Oh, I'm very good at this game. Germany. It's Germany.

56:15🔗 Adam Really?

56:16🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog My sense of smell. It's my sense of smell.

56:19🔗 Adam Yeah, the guy's name is Con?

56:21🔗 Caller Con.

56:22🔗 Drew Con.

56:23🔗 Adam Con?

56:25🔗 Caller Yeah, with an N.

56:26🔗 Drew Okay.

56:27🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog You don't have to be so belligerent.

56:30🔗 Drew Go ahead.

56:30🔗 Caller Sorry.

56:31🔗 Caller Is that your real name?

56:32🔗 Adam Is that your real name?

56:34🔗 Caller Yeah.

56:35🔗 Adam All right. What's the question?

56:36🔗 Drew Rock on.

56:38🔗 Caller Police are searching for a man they say could be the most stupid burglar they have ever encountered. The unknown man broke into the building of a lumber sales company during the night and violently assaulted a coffee machine, which contained only two...

56:50🔗 Drew We heard this one. We heard this one.

56:51🔗 Adam Sorry, Con. Hey, Con?

56:57🔗 Caller Yeah?

56:57🔗 Adam Kiss my ass, you little prick.

57:00🔗 Caller What?

57:01🔗 Adam Aw. Screw you. There's nothing worse than a 15-year-old with a smart mouth. Shut up. Go back to the 10th grade and beat off. Wise asses. I'm tired of these wise ass 15-year-olds.

57:17🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Kiss my ass. Was it Germany or Florida?

57:20🔗 Adam You're funny mean. I'm unfunny mean. It's different. That's why I get the radio.

57:25🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog That's what the radio's for.

57:27🔗 Adam Here's what I'm saying. Is it just me or do teenagers lack a certain respect at the core these days?

57:34🔗 Drew You've become Pops Corolla, yes. You need to respect the elder statesman.

57:39🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog The man. Loveline with Uncle Charlie.

57:43🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Uncle Joe, Chip Douglas, clean that floor.

57:47🔗 Adam I just waxed the floor. Uncle Charlie was great. He was as funny a sitcom character as Brian Keith was in Family Affair. Jody, I got to go. I'll be gone for a year. That's great. I'm going to kill myself.

58:13🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog He was asleep.

58:14🔗 Adam He was great.

58:15🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog He was a sleeping dad.

58:16🔗 Adam He was drunk. His eyes were closed. It's always bad news for the kids. Here's the story of Family Affair. Both parents were killed in a car crash, so they have to stay with the abusive alcoholic Uncle Bill and the fruity Mr. French.

58:33🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog It's nice that Uncle Charlie, besides borrowing the crab in this, also borrowed Mo Howard's haircut.

58:41🔗 Adam He had a Page Boy. He was like a 65-year-old guy with a Page Boy.

58:46🔗 Drew Is that Uncle Charlie or the Brian Keith?

58:49🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog No, that's Uncle Charlie.

58:51🔗 Adam Uncle Charlie had the Roman Emperor cut. Yeah, it was great.

58:55🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Prince Valiant.

58:57🔗 Adam And he'd be like...

58:58🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog 70-year-old guy.

58:59🔗 Adam Chip, I got a souffle in the oven, don't slam that door! He was always pissed off, he's wearing an apron. What the hell was going on with that sitcom? And where was the mom? Is she dying in the car crash with Mr. Bill?

59:14🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Everyone was a widow or a widower in the 60s.

59:17🔗 Adam And I know it must have been...

59:18🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog There were no parents.

59:19🔗 Adam It was brutal because no one could be divorced.

59:23🔗 Drew Yeah, yet everyone was, so they could only make sitcoms about single parents.

59:27🔗 Adam They couldn't actually be divorced, but every sitcom premise was, well, the parents are going to live with this. So the beginning, the first episode of the sitcom was always the parents dying, which is not a great place to start a sitcom.

59:38🔗 Drew I think it was Brady Bunch.

59:41🔗 Adam He was a widower.

59:43🔗 Drew And Eddie's father. Also, different strokes.

59:46🔗 Adam Different strokes. I think they had a... Everyone died.

59:51🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Lots of death on television.

59:54🔗 Drew Yeah.

59:54🔗 Adam We had to start the sitcom.

59:56🔗 Drew But then every Disney film starts with that too. Alright.

59:59🔗 Adam Dan?

59:59🔗 Drew The stepmother.

1:00:00🔗 Adam It's nice for eight and nine year olds to go to movies where the eight and nine year old kids had a parent snuffed out.

1:00:07🔗 Drew That's a good time.

1:00:08🔗 Adam That's a good time. Dan?

1:00:10🔗 Yeah, hey, before my question, I can connect Florida and Germany together. Alright. Why they are both crappy.

1:00:17🔗 Adam Why?

1:00:17🔗 Caller First off, Jeb Bush, his grandfather, funded the Nazis when they were in Germany. And his house got seized in 1932 because he banked with the Nazi army.

1:00:33🔗 Adam Alright, Dan?

1:00:35🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:00:35🔗 Adam You're a virgin?

1:00:36🔗 Caller Yes.

1:00:38🔗 Caller Shocking.

1:00:39🔗 Adam Anybody knows anything about history or World War II or world politics?

1:00:43🔗 Caller I know plenty of history about World War II.

1:00:47🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog At least you're using your virginity time well. Digging up dirt on the president in world time.

1:00:53🔗 Adam 18 year old guys who know nothing are the guys who get laid. And the ones who know the timeline stuff from the early 30s in Nazi Germany are the guys who don't get laid. Women punish you that way. The more you know the less you get laid. Dan? Oh by the way, let me just say this. I know Triumph was, when I said the more you know, he was doing the ESA public service announcement thing. Seems like every day I see another cast member from Friends telling you to talk to your kids. It's like David Schwimmer. First off, when you do one of those public service announcements, you have to catch the actor in the middle of something. I was just doing a little data entry, my laptop. Oh, I'm going to look up. Now here you are. As if you just walked into the room. He was working on his laptop on the set and he's like, talk to your kids. Speak to them. Ask them what went on during the day. The more you know, the more you talk. Talk to your kids. And I'm thinking, first off, most of these people don't have kids. I don't even know if Schwimmer has any kids. So why are we taking advice from him to talk? Secondly, is it condescending to have a 40 year old guy with no kids telling us to talk to our kids? And by the way, do we need? That's the PSA.

1:02:06🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Talk to your kids. When I saw Schwimmer, it wasn't he wasn't typing. He was just in the middle of sucking. He was just high. I was just sucking over there. But I wanted to say something. True.

1:02:19🔗 Adam You have kids. And if you hadn't seen that PSA, you wouldn't speak to them.

1:02:22🔗 Drew I would never speak to them. We're not going to speak to them. They know they understand English.

1:02:26🔗 Adam Daddy, are we going to the Dodger game this weekend?

1:02:29🔗 Caller You'd be like, mmm, mmm, mmm.

1:02:31🔗 Adam You'd just shake your head.

1:02:32🔗 Drew Until I heard that PSA.

1:02:33🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Can you imagine if, like, Fred Mertz had done this kind of thing in the fifties? You know, hi, I'm William Froli. Talk to your kids. Pimp his ass. It doesn't happen. Nowadays, you do a sitcom for five years. You think you can say anything to anybody.

1:02:51🔗 Adam Talk to them. Yeah, Fred Mertz with his pants over his nipples. He's got his arms up like he said.

1:03:01🔗 Drew What would they have told us then?

1:03:07🔗 Adam Now, back then, the PSAs would have been like, don't drink a lot if you're going to drive. And if you're going to smoke, one cigarette at a time.

1:03:17🔗 Drew Put your cigarettes out in the ashtray.

1:03:19🔗 Adam Cigarettes out. If you're going to be in an operating room, always ash the cigarette in the proper ashtray. It would have been great. Now it's just distilled down to talk to your kids.

1:03:30🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Talk to your kids once a year. Set aside one day a year to talk to your kids. I'm Fred Mertz.

1:03:36🔗 Drew I want to hear Come Poop With Me. Let's hear another...

1:03:38🔗 Adam Oh, we got to hear something else.

1:03:40🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog This is a very frustrating track they're going to play. Why? When I go on this show, it brings back bad memories. You know, because as a dog trying to function in society, it's not easy, especially when I try to make calls on the phone. And what they have ready to play here is a call I made, a sex-related call, to a hotline, to an STD hotline.

1:04:05🔗 Adam All right. Well, that's what's... That's the next cut.

1:04:08🔗 Drew Oh, you need to have him as a crank anchor puppet.

1:04:11🔗 Adam Oh, he's too big. He's too big.

1:04:14🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog A lot of legal problems there with NBC. They own everything except my testicles.

1:04:20🔗 Adam Come up.

1:04:21🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog And that's because the vet took them off.

1:04:22🔗 Adam Come poop with me. Now, they have the inserts now, the neuticles, they call them. They can put them...

1:04:28🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Testicular reconstruction. For animals.

1:04:30🔗 Adam Looked into it. Yeah.

1:04:31🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog A new lease on life.

1:04:34🔗 Adam Let the ladies know you mean business.

1:04:35🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Doesn't bring back the jeez. Are we going to hear the cut? I thought I was setting it up so beautifully. Yeah, you are.

1:04:42🔗 Adam Just Drew jumped in.

1:04:43🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Come poop with me. My call to an STD hotline. Very frustrating.

1:04:53🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Yes, I'm a little concerned.

1:04:56🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I'm looking for a hotline or something to tell me about STDs.

1:05:01🔗 I can let you speak to a nurse. She can talk to you about that.

1:05:04🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog All right. All right, please.

1:05:06🔗 Hold on. Can I help you?

1:05:13🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Hello, yes, I have this problem. I don't know. I don't know what it is. It's like an STD thing. I don't know. It's just I'm worried and it's so embarrassing. I don't know how to...

1:05:29🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog We can make an appointment for you to come in.

1:05:31🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Can I just talk about it real quick? Just to get it off my chest.

1:05:36🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Sure, go ahead.

1:05:37🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog It's embarrassing. Pardon my language, okay?

1:05:40🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog That is fine.

1:05:42🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I'm having a problem with... Hey, I don't know how to... My balls taste funny. They what? My testicles, they taste funny.

1:05:56🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Yes, they do. And I don't know why.

1:06:06🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog What do you mean, how do I know?

1:06:09🔗 Caller Believe me, they taste weird.

1:06:11🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog They taste like poop and not the good kind.

1:06:15🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I don't know. I've never heard of an STD that calls us that day.

1:06:19🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Oh, thank God.

1:06:20🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog So I don't know what's going on, but I've never heard of one.

1:06:25🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Well, I don't know. I mean, I was... Maybe I dragged them in something. I don't know. I mean, I'm just scared.

1:06:35🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog But your soap or something like that may be causing that.

1:06:38🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I don't use soap. I just... I just clean myself. I'm just so scared. It's just weird. Normally they taste delicious.

1:06:52🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Well, I don't think that has anything to do with the sexually transmitted disease.

1:06:56🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog So it's okay to keep licking?

1:06:57🔗 To keep what?

1:06:59🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I asked you, is it okay to keep licking?

1:07:01🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I don't have to worry.

1:07:04🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I don't get that.

1:07:05🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog You don't think it is okay or it's not?

1:07:10🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Well, I've got a patient waiting. I don't see any problem. I mean, you know, I don't know. Talk to your doctor.

1:07:16🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I'm so relieved. I'll go lick myself.

1:07:22🔗 Adam That is The Insult Comic Dog. Come poop with me, the name of the CD. Many other gems like that on the CD.

1:07:32🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Many other gems.

1:07:33🔗 Drew A little bit insensitive to his canine needs, too.

1:07:36🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Yeah. You know, they're supposed to be there to help and they're like, what? What? Are you crazy?

1:07:43🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:07:43🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog What is this?

1:07:44🔗 Adam Maybe we should get Schwimmer to man that line.

1:07:50🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog He'll just say something very important and hang up the phone and, you know, preen himself. He'll go talk to Kelsey Grammer about how great both of them are.

1:08:00🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Talk to your kids.

1:08:02🔗 Adam We got to take ourselves a little break. The Insult Comic Dog here tonight. The new CD is called Come Poop With Me.

1:08:10🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog CD and DVD.

1:08:11🔗 Adam And DVD.

1:08:12🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog A lot of visual jokes for you to poop on.

1:08:15🔗 Adam It's solid, solid, brown to the core humor. So for you, if you like Triumph, you're going to love this CD. Yes, Triumph?

1:08:24🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I'm not so sure. Oh, no.

1:08:25🔗 Adam He's modest. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. Hey there, buddy, it's Loveline and Adam. That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Tomorrow night, Linkin Park in here, The Insult Comic Dog, big fan.

1:08:52🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Of Linkin Park.

1:08:53🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:08:53🔗 Drew Yes!

1:08:55🔗 Adam He likes any band that has the name Park in it. He likes that word.

1:08:58🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Memories.

1:09:01🔗 Adam You remember, before the leash laws, you used to build this run wild in those places.

1:09:05🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Oh, sure, sure. And Linkin is a happy image, too, just because his leg is so long.

1:09:10🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:09:11🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog That's a woulda, coulda, shoulda.

1:09:13🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:09:14🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Right there.

1:09:14🔗 Adam You couldn't miss that leg. I don't care how loaded you are.

1:09:18🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Right. Or to go into a time machine.

1:09:21🔗 Adam Yeah. Yeah, he was a rangy guy for his first day at Linkin. Wasn't it? The Linkin Monument, though, it's got a pretty good size.

1:09:29🔗 Drew He might pee on that, though.

1:09:31🔗 Adam Do you pee on the Linkin Monument?

1:09:32🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog No, but I've humped it. You've humped?

1:09:34🔗 Adam Oh, sure. We have a certain degree of respect for Linkin. Did Schwimmer do a PSA where he told you not to pee on the Linkin Monument or talk to your kids? Don't pee on the Linkin Monument while you're talking to your kids.

1:09:47🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Something like that.

1:09:48🔗 Adam You know what I'd like to do? I would like to do very specific public service announcements. Do not pee on the Linkin Monument, please. And just leave it at that. The more you know. Instead of the hugely vague, like talk to the kids, I'd like to reel it in and get super specific. Just pinpoint.

1:10:07🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Now isn't that something we used to do on The Conan Show a little bit? See, that's a funny bit that we did on The Conan Show.

1:10:15🔗 Adam All right. No, no, no. The Conan Show full of funny bits. There's no doubt about it. It's chock full of funny bits. There's no doubt about it.

1:10:25🔗 Drew You're being very honest.

1:10:26🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Yes.

1:10:27🔗 Drew Yeah, yeah.

1:10:27🔗 Adam It's funny that Conan's a good writer and he's a decent host and he's a funny guy. He's just, he's sort of non-human in his way of communicating.

1:10:38🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Oh, he's all man. Believe me. Yes. Trust me. I've seen that thing up close.

1:10:44🔗 Adam Oh, really?

1:10:45🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Oh, yes.

1:10:46🔗 Adam Well, from your vantage point, too, and he's a tall man, I could see that thing.

1:10:49🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Well, it's surprisingly small for a tall guy. Nicest thing I could say about it is that it's an outie. Yes.

1:11:01🔗 Adam Jamie? Jamie, you're 20?

1:11:05🔗 Caller Yes.

1:11:06🔗 Adam What's up?

1:11:08🔗 Caller My boyfriend has pictures of his old girlfriend, like naked and like he has porn that he's done. And I was just wondering if that's like a normal thing for guys to do.

1:11:21🔗 Drew You mean like he has videos of him and his ex-girlfriends having sex?

1:11:25🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:11:26🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Does he watch them while he's having sex with you?

1:11:29🔗 Caller No.

1:11:31🔗 Drew What does he do with them?

1:11:32🔗 Caller No, I'm not really sure.

1:11:34🔗 Caller I mean, I didn't really know about them.

1:11:35🔗 Adam How did you find out about them?

1:11:38🔗 Caller Well, I saw some pictures and I was just asking him questions.

1:11:41🔗 Caller Cause I mean, I had never really thought about that before and he was like admitting to it.

1:11:46🔗 Drew How long have you been with together with him?

1:11:49🔗 Caller A couple of months.

1:11:51🔗 Drew How's the relationship going?

1:11:55🔗 Adam Believe me, he's got a few videos of you too. Oh yes. Oh yeah.

1:12:01🔗 Drew Yeah, Jamie, not a great impulse. I mean, guys have that impulse, but they actually carry it out and then keep these things around. And just not a...

1:12:10🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog He's protecting his bed.

1:12:12🔗 Adam That's right.

1:12:12🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog What happens if she dumps him? Then what? He's going to have to...

1:12:16🔗 Drew Use his memory, yeah.

1:12:17🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Yeah, screw memory.

1:12:19🔗 Adam To beat off to a raft box like I had to do when I was 15 and had no porn.

1:12:26🔗 Caller Yes.

1:12:27🔗 Adam How old is this guy?

1:12:28🔗 Caller He's 20 also.

1:12:30🔗 Adam What does he do besides film himself having sex?

1:12:33🔗 Caller Well, actually he's unemployed right now.

1:12:37🔗 Adam So why are you with him? He doesn't sound like a great guy.

1:12:40🔗 Caller I don't know.

1:12:41🔗 Adam And how come you're not more outraged? I mean, here's how it usually goes. The woman finds the porn, the movie, the pictures, whatever it is of the ex-girlfriend. She insists that they'd be destroyed. The guy promises they'll be destroyed. He quickly makes a dupe of it and then destroys a version of it. Yeah. No, no, you can't put them in a vault. You have to destroy them, but you gotta make a copy. That's why you should always have a few copies floating around.

1:13:08🔗 Drew Yeah, I just get the sense that something's up with this guy.

1:13:12🔗 Adam What else? Has he asked to film you? Does that hurt your feelings, like you're not quality enough for him to film?

1:13:21🔗 Caller No, I've kind of had that discussion tonight, but I'm into that, so.

1:13:26🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Exactly, he knows he'll get the no, that's all it is.

1:13:30🔗 Adam All right.

1:13:30🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog He'd do it.

1:13:31🔗 Adam How did he let you find this stuff? That seems negligent.

1:13:35🔗 Caller I don't know.

1:13:36🔗 Drew How did it come up?

1:13:37🔗 Adam Well, how did you find it?

1:13:38🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Where is it?

1:13:40🔗 Caller It's on his computer.

1:13:42🔗 Adam The pictures or the movies?

1:13:45🔗 Caller Yeah, I've never actually seen them.

1:13:50🔗 Adam All right, so it bothers you, right?

1:13:52🔗 Drew What have your previous relationships been like, Jamie?

1:13:54🔗 Caller Um, what do you mean, like?

1:13:58🔗 Drew What have they been like? Have they gone for you?

1:14:00🔗 Adam She dated Uncle Charlie from My Three Sons for a number of years.

1:14:04🔗 Drew Have they been successful? Were you felt good about them? Or have they been kind of problematic? What's been the problem?

1:14:11🔗 Caller I don't know. Um, I, I haven't, I don't really date people seriously that often, so.

1:14:17🔗 Drew How come?

1:14:19🔗 Caller Yeah, who cares?

1:14:21🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I don't.

1:14:21🔗 Adam Look, it happens, it's very calm.

1:14:23🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog My dad kept tapes of him humping Ethel Merman's leg.

1:14:28🔗 Adam Really?

1:14:29🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Long after. Honey, listen, you just stick with him and he'll stop. He won't care about it if he knows you're in it for the long haul. And then you'll be together for a while and then he'll get interested in them again.

1:14:43🔗 Adam And I'm wondering, by the way, if in the future, if everyone's just gonna have film of everyone in some, either naked or humping.

1:14:54🔗 Drew But the question is, were these women consenting that he should film these things? And why can't she, the fact that she doesn't have any reaction to it other than sort of bewilderment is not the normal reaction.

1:15:06🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Well, perhaps it's compassion, right?

1:15:09🔗 Drew Empathy, yes, for his needs, yes.

1:15:11🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Maybe she thinks she should have done some videotaping.

1:15:15🔗 Adam She's, yeah, she's low self-esteem, to say the least, yes?

1:15:21🔗 Drew She cannot mobilize any defense on her own behalf.

1:15:24🔗 Adam All right, stand up for yourself.

1:15:25🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Human talk is really something. Yeah, it's crazy. In the animal world, it's like, sure.

1:15:30🔗 Adam You don't have any of that. No, you're simple.

1:15:32🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog No, you want to lick yourself to that gorilla over there? Go ahead.

1:15:36🔗 Adam You're simple. You're like Hawaiians.

1:15:37🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog We're uncomplicated, is what we are.

1:15:40🔗 Adam You don't have all these big words and you don't do all this thinking.

1:15:43🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog There's a difference between simple and no alphabet. Alphabet is like a mind game.

1:15:49🔗 Adam Yeah, it's got to be nice. Sarah?

1:15:54🔗 Yes.

1:15:55🔗 Adam You're 25?

1:15:56🔗 Caller Yes.

1:15:56🔗 Adam What's your question?

1:15:58🔗 Caller I am very concerned about my boyfriend, who's barely given me sex once a month, that I am used to it like four or five times a day, and I'm just not feeling it anymore.

1:16:07🔗 Drew You're fat.

1:16:08🔗 Adam No, I'm not that. You're used to it four or five times a day?

1:16:14🔗 Caller That's what all my previous-

1:16:16🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Just from a guy or from your pets as well?

1:16:20🔗 Caller From my guy.

1:16:21🔗 Drew And that's been in your previous relationships, not with this guy?

1:16:26🔗 Caller No, not with this guy.

1:16:27🔗 Drew This guy's been once a month from the beginning?

1:16:30🔗 Caller No, well, from at the beginning it was maybe a couple times a week, but since I don't know other girls have come around, like his ex-girlfriends, and he would like disappear for days on end, I've only been getting it like once a month, and then it's like even trying hard to get it from him.

1:16:45🔗 Adam Sarah, you're screwed up, right?

1:16:47🔗 Caller No, I'm not. What's wrong with you?

1:16:49🔗 Adam Oh, yeah. Let's dig into Sarah.

1:16:52🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog How many guys stooped you four or five times a day?

1:16:54🔗 Adam That was spread out between six guys. Sarah?

1:16:59🔗 Caller Yes?

1:17:00🔗 Adam Let's talk about you.

1:17:02🔗 Caller What about me?

1:17:03🔗 Adam What do you do for a living?

1:17:04🔗 Caller I'm a customer service rep.

1:17:06🔗 Caller Aha.

1:17:07🔗 Adam And your parents, were they together, divorced?

1:17:11🔗 Caller They're together.

1:17:11🔗 Caller All right.

1:17:12🔗 Adam Dad treated you well?

1:17:14🔗 Caller Yes.

1:17:14🔗 Adam No sexual abuse? Around 18. No bipolar illness in your family?

1:18:18🔗 Caller Really?

1:18:19🔗 Adam It didn't make sense.

1:18:21🔗 Drew And then she was a chick. I just, the four or five times a day thing.

1:18:29🔗 Caller Right, right.

1:18:29🔗 Adam Soon, Al Qaeda's gonna start using blondes against us. Don't worry. We don't suspect women. Women don't make prank phone calls. They don't have a sense of humor. There has to be a guy behind it.

1:18:43🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Manipulating. Now, do you ever get Baba Buies on this show?

1:18:47🔗 Drew We used to.

1:18:48🔗 Adam We did? Yeah, a long time ago. We don't get the Baba Buies. We don't get that, we don't get enough. I mean, I don't really care because we live at midnight. So I'll take as many as we can take before midnight.

1:19:00🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I think Baba Buies are a good sign. It shows that they feel your show is important to plug Howard on.

1:19:05🔗 Adam Well, I haven't got one in like six years.

1:19:07🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog So, evidently.

1:19:08🔗 Drew Ouch, that's because you're on Howard. They don't, you know what I mean?

1:19:11🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Someone give these guys a Baba Buie.

1:19:14🔗 Adam Hey, Jim?

1:19:15🔗 Caller Yes.

1:19:16🔗 Adam You're 17?

1:19:17🔗 Drew Yep.

1:19:17🔗 Adam What's up?

1:19:18🔗 Caller I've got a Germany or Florida for you.

1:19:20🔗 Adam Perfect.

1:19:21🔗 Drew Oh, yes.

1:19:22🔗 Adam Go ahead.

1:19:22🔗 Caller All right, a bar gives women the opportunity to drop off their spouse if they wish to go shopping without their partner.

1:19:29🔗 Drew We had this one.

1:19:30🔗 Adam Hey, phone screeners, gotta check these.

1:19:32🔗 Drew What they are. What is the question? What is the story they're gonna tell us?

1:19:36🔗 Adam I would have, aren't we doing that or?

1:19:40🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog So what was that one?

1:19:41🔗 Drew It's basically one for about three months ago. Set up a wood shop for guys to hang out in during all the...

1:19:47🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Germany?

1:19:48🔗 Adam Yes, of course. All right, we have a question for Triumph actually. Wanna take that one? Hey, hey, hey. Mike?

1:19:59🔗 Caller Yes.

1:19:59🔗 Adam You have a question for Triumph?

1:20:01🔗 Caller Yeah, yeah, I do.

1:20:02🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Yes.

1:20:03🔗 Caller Where's your accent from?

1:20:06🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog My accent? It's a dog accent.

1:20:09🔗 Caller I know, but it sounds like it's from a foreign country.

1:20:14🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Well, you know, it's... It's, I never got the chance to ask my mom what country she was from because...

1:20:25🔗 Drew They took you away from her?

1:20:27🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I was separated, yes.

1:20:29🔗 Adam Puppy mill, big litter.

1:20:30🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Puppy mill, yes, yes. Fine, I was abused. My Lord. That's what this is about. You're just trying to get it out of me. Yes, I was abused.

1:20:43🔗 Adam Yeah, it's tough. You have a big litter of eight or 10 dogs. You're separated from your mother's teat very early.

1:20:49🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog You know, her teats were nothing to, they were no great shakes.

1:20:53🔗 Adam Really?

1:20:54🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Oh, I used to give her teats. I used to ride them something fierce. Hey, nipple, if you were any smaller, I'd need CPR.

1:21:06🔗 Drew Surely you could go back to that puppy farm they would remember you. You were the talking dog.

1:21:10🔗 Adam I mean, you made it out.

1:21:12🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog But we all, we all, we all, we all talked, you know.

1:21:17🔗 Adam Really?

1:21:17🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Yes, yes, you know.

1:21:18🔗 Drew How come we don't encounter other talking dogs?

1:21:21🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Because, because they're not funny.

1:21:23🔗 Drew Oh.

1:21:24🔗 Adam They have nothing to say.

1:21:26🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Yeah, it's kind of a Mr. Ed thing. They do talk, but not in front of you, and you know, they call up the Los Angeles Dodgers and give advice, but they think that it's...

1:21:37🔗 Adam Right, and they always clam up when the boss comes by.

1:21:41🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Right, I'm not that shy.

1:21:43🔗 Adam Hey Mike, I hope that sheds some light on your semi-retarded question.

1:21:49🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Sorry, honestly, I never even know. My father never even knew what breed my mom was because he never saw her face.

1:21:56🔗 Adam Oh really?

1:21:57🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Yes.

1:21:58🔗 Adam Oh, it worked. Oh, doggy style. Yeah. Yeah, that's tough too. And you know, with dogs, there's Drew, there are almost all mutts these days, and the purebreds...

1:22:09🔗 Drew Well, his mom was an Afghan though.

1:22:11🔗 Adam A purebred, yeah.

1:22:12🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog You know, the facts change with every joke. I'm a whore for laughs, you see.

1:22:19🔗 Adam We have some more... We're gonna break, but when we come back, what are we gonna talk to? Each girlfriend has cheated on him. Poor 17-year-old Drew, not Drew the doctor, or the man who claims to be a doctor, but Drew the 17-year-old caller has been cheated on, and who else are we gonna talk to, Drew?

1:22:37🔗 Drew We'll get some more calls up there.

1:22:39🔗 Adam All right, we'll be right back with you and Triumph after this. Hey, everybody. Love Line, Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog, here tonight. Linkin Park tomorrow night, and then Cypress Hill, and Papa Roach. All big fans of Triumph, and I know he's a big fan of theirs.

1:23:09🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog You bet, you bet, whatever it takes.

1:23:12🔗 Adam The Come Poop With Me, name of the CD, out as we speak.

1:23:16🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog And DVD.

1:23:17🔗 Adam And DVD, you get them both.

1:23:18🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I poop on people on the DVD, like Jared from Subway, and the Dell guy.

1:23:23🔗 Drew Do you actually pee-poo on them, poop on them?

1:23:25🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I spiritually poop on Jared and on the Dell guy, and on Janine Garofalo.

1:23:34🔗 Adam She's treading dangerously close to Margaret Cho territory in the comic world. What happened to her? She decided not to be funny. Like, did she take some oath not to be funny, like after May of 2003? Like what?

1:23:47🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog She's a sour puss.

1:23:48🔗 Adam Yeah, she got all into the politics and everything, and just sort of went batty.

1:23:52🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog She used to be fine. Now she's more sour than a lemon in Bea Arthur's vagina.

1:23:58🔗 Adam Someone else who's not funny anymore.

1:24:01🔗 Drew Is she alive anymore?

1:24:02🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Bea Arthur? Oh, are you kidding? I'm not sure.

1:24:07🔗 Drew She must be 90, 85.

1:24:08🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog No, she looks great.

1:24:10🔗 Drew You seen her?

1:24:11🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog She did a one woman show on Broadway. Bea Arthur on Broadway. Why is that funny?

1:24:18🔗 Adam It's the first time a man has done a one woman show. John?

1:24:23🔗 Hello?

1:24:25🔗 Adam You're 15?

1:24:26🔗 Caller Yeah. What's up?

1:24:28🔗 Adam You have a question for Triumph?

1:24:30🔗 Caller Yeah. First I gotta say, Adam, you are the funniest man alive. The man show is not the same without you.

1:24:36🔗 Adam Yeah, tell Conan that. Oh man.

1:24:40🔗 Caller It's all behind me.

1:24:42🔗 Adam Yeah, thank you. You have a question for Triumph?

1:24:44🔗 Caller Yes, Triumph. Yes. How did you get your big break on Conan's show? Like how did he find you?

1:24:49🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog He found me at the Westminster Dog Show.

1:24:52🔗 Adam Oh yeah.

1:24:52🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Yeah, you know, I wasn't really competing. I was just hanging around to swoop in on all that poonanny. You know, cause there's nothing like Westminster poon.

1:25:04🔗 Adam And plus, you know, after the dogs are disappointed, the bitches by second or third place, you just swoop in and pick up the page.

1:25:11🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I operate exactly the way Lenny Kravitz does at the fashion show.

1:25:15🔗 Adam Right, right.

1:25:16🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Only my testicles are cleaner than his.

1:25:18🔗 Adam That's right. He's a great man. Lenny Kravitz, by the way, I swear to Christ, on my bachelor party, we went out on this houseboat, there was a Lenny Kravitz CD in there. By the way, is there anything worse than his remake of American Woman, by the way? The first, the Guess Who American Woman, the 15-minute version, sucked holy ass, and the only thing that could make it worse is him. But here's the point.

1:25:42🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Well, Phil Collins could have covered it.

1:25:44🔗 Adam That's true. Here would be the ultimate, here's the ultimate crap. Phil Collins covers Lenny Kravitz songs covered from the Guess Who. That would be the ultimate trickle-down of ass. But here's the point. There was a Best of Lenny Kravitz CD, which to me is an oxymoron, but anyway.

1:26:04🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog I don't know what- It's like me bottling the steam of my own poop.

1:26:06🔗 Adam The guy bothers me. But here's the point. On this, see, I've just opened, I was drunk. I was just sitting there. I opened it up and I started counting the pictures of Lenny Kravitz within the Lenny Kravitz Best of CD and then put it to a vote with the guys. All right, guess how many pictures? And just a regular CD, not a double set, nothing. Just regular, just like Come Poop With Me. No different than that. How many pictures of Lenny Kravitz in there? 55.

1:26:33🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Oh my God.

1:26:34🔗 Adam Yeah, yeah. A little light too. Most people that know him expected more, but anyway, it just seems like a raging narcissist, yes? All right, that's my Lenny Kravitz story. Never Met A Man Just Counted His Pictures.

1:26:49🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog What does it say about Adam that he counted the pictures?

1:26:52🔗 Drew It's, he's a very curious man.

1:26:54🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog That's it?

1:26:55🔗 Adam Well, after, after-

1:26:56🔗 Drew And bitter.

1:26:57🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog There you go.

1:26:58🔗 Adam After seeing his post on the front and flipping it over and seeing it on the back and then opening it up and seeing-

1:27:03🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog No, hey, I'm with you.

1:27:05🔗 Drew Did we answer John's question?

1:27:06🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Are you kidding? I'm bitter, I'm bitter up the ass, yeah.

1:27:09🔗 Adam Good, good.

1:27:10🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog You bet, man.

1:27:11🔗 Drew The Westminster Dog Show, that's right.

1:27:13🔗 Adam Right, that's where you-

1:27:13🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Oh yeah, no, they found me at Westminster. And yes, no, I wasn't really competing. I was just poon, poon scaping.

1:27:21🔗 Adam Chasin poodle skirt.

1:27:23🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog You got it.

1:27:24🔗 Adam All right, let's talk to Isabelle. Isabelle? Hey, Germany or Florida?

1:27:31🔗 Yeah. Okay, there's a guy and he's married. He has three children. And he's suffering from dyspeptia or indigestion and severe mood swings. And he was taking an opiate. Well, one day he goes berserk and he tries to kill the children. Then he shoots and stabs his wife to death and tries to stab himself. Well, he stabs himself, tries to kill himself. When the police arrive, he mumbles, who could have done this to my darling wife? And goes on and on about people hiding behind the pictures on the wall. And then he spent the rest of his life in an asylum for the criminally insane.

1:28:04🔗 Adam All right. Well, this, by the way, is, I don't want to act like I'm dodging the question here or the challenge, but this is just a guy killing his family. This is tragic no matter what state or country takes place.

1:28:18🔗 Drew This is a speed story.

1:28:19🔗 Adam You're thinking speed?

1:28:20🔗 Drew And Florida?

1:28:21🔗 Adam Florida, you're thinking speed? Triumph, you're going with Florida on this one?

1:28:27🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog This sounds like something that happened. It's a trick question. It happened in Rob Lowe's house in California. Yeah. I think California is California.

1:28:36🔗 Adam The Lowe Manor. You gotta love Germany with the later hose and an exposed shin.

1:28:41🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Sure, sure.

1:28:42🔗 Adam Because that's fur on skin sex there for you. We're going Florida. Florida or Rob Lowe's house out here in Southern California.

1:28:51🔗 Okay, you wanna know?

1:28:52🔗 Adam Yes.

1:28:52🔗 It happened in 1882 in 19th century Germany.

1:28:58🔗 Adam Oh, boy, she really had to go back in the Lexus Nexus.

1:29:02🔗 Drew That could have been a brain tumor or other things. Those days, we didn't have to go for the common things that we deal with today.

1:29:09🔗 Adam All right, but unfair to do, well, although one day we will do a historical Florida.

1:29:16🔗 Drew We didn't specify modern time.

1:29:18🔗 Adam That's true. John? You're 21, what's up?

1:29:24🔗 Caller Yeah, how's it going, guys? Recently, my girlfriend and I, we've been together for two and a half years. We got in an argument because she found an abundance of porn in my room. What happened was I was in the shower, I came out of the shower, came into my room, and she was getting her purse, getting her stuff, getting ready to go. I looked on the bed, because the bed was right behind where she was standing. All my huge porn collection I have was on the bed. She said, I gotta go, I'll talk to you later. Really disappointed, really upset.

1:30:02🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Yes, you're painting a beautiful picture.

1:30:05🔗 Adam You got a big bed full of porn.

1:30:07🔗 Caller Yeah, a queen-size bed full of porn, pretty much.

1:30:10🔗 Adam Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:30:12🔗 Caller And what I did was, she was really upset. So what I did was, I went to a local drug store. Being a guy, not wanting to get rid of my porn collection, I bought a bunch of blank tapes, right?

1:30:29🔗 Drew What's your question? What's your question?

1:30:31🔗 Caller Okay, my question was, I replaced the blank tapes with, I mean, the porn tapes with the blank tapes. Was I wrong to do that?

1:30:39🔗 Adam No.

1:30:39🔗 Caller I've been together for two and a half years.

1:30:41🔗 Adam No, no, like who cares? And how much...

1:30:44🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog What, she was really shocked? She had never seen Inch's Magazine before?

1:30:48🔗 Adam All right, you did the right thing. You decide it now. Why did you have to replace it with the blank tapes? Did she need to see you destroy it?

1:30:57🔗 Caller Yeah, she wanted, I mean, to burn the boxes, you know, the boxes, I mean, these tapes are...

1:31:02🔗 Adam Oh, shut up. What is it? Is it National Jack-Off Day? I thought it was Goddamn Veterans Day. What does that mean? Is that some sort of dinner bell for jack-offs to call this show? Because a few hundred thousand people died in a foreign country so that we could be free.

1:31:17🔗 Drew Well, you know what? Tomorrow's a school holiday, too.

1:31:20🔗 Adam Is that what it is? It's like, your grandfathers went to Europe and were slaughtered on the beaches of Normandy so you could have the freedom to call this show with your bogus jack-off calls. To hell with all of you, I say. Right, Triumph?

1:31:36🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Unless you're coming to Lando tomorrow. If it's a kids' day off, please. I don't need the grannies.

1:31:43🔗 Adam That's a tough crowd.

1:31:44🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Come to Lando.

1:31:44🔗 Adam A lot of blue hairs. A lot of blue hairs.

1:31:47🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Sea biscuit, wear sea biscuit.

1:31:50🔗 Adam They like the old dog humor, but I don't know if they're into the new wave poop and shin humor, you know what I'm saying?

1:31:57🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Jail back me up, right? Right?

1:31:59🔗 Adam Jail bail out faster than Conan, believe me. That's why those chairs have wheels at the desk. They do this, this is a move.

1:32:08🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog He just shot backward for those listening.

1:32:11🔗 Adam All right, we're gonna take a little break. We'll be back to wrap up with you and Triumph after this. Well, that's the show. Linkin Park tomorrow night, everybody. I wanna thank The Insult Comic Dog.

1:32:31🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Come poop with me.

1:32:33🔗 Adam The name of the CD.

1:32:34🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog You bet.

1:32:35🔗 Adam Go out and get that Triumph, always at the light.

1:32:39🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Check me out on Leno and TRL on Friday.

1:32:42🔗 Adam Oh yeah, now that's your crowd.

1:32:44🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Oh yes.

1:32:45🔗 Adam You come back anytime. So.

1:32:48🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Carson, is he, will he support me?

1:32:50🔗 Adam He's good people. He's salt of the earth. Salt of the earth.

1:32:54🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog So your friends are good hoes.

1:32:57🔗 Adam Yeah. I love that Carson. So until next time, it's Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo.

1:33:05🔗 Triumph The Insult Comic Dog When I saw Schwimmer, it wasn't, he wasn't typing. He was just in the middle of sucking. He was just high. I was just sucking over there.

1:33:16🔗 This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors or this station. The producer for Loveline is Annie Gold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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