1:52🔗
Adam
Yep, it is Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. Dr. Drew is not in town this week. Dr. Bruce allegedly is filling in for him, although now it's been two nights in a row where he's not been here when the goddamn show has begun. Unacceptable. Thank you. That's what I enjoy about Dr. Bruce. He takes a very casual approach to national radio. It is night number two where he is not here when the show.
2:25🔗
Adam
The show starts, yeah. And it's so funny about that. Oh, that's Carlos Mencia, by the way. He's a stand up. And I'll tell you all about him. He is our tonight's guest. But let me just get through Bruce for a second. Bruce, my only beef with Bruce, and I'm a little hard on him. And Carlos, when you see Bruce, you'll understand why I'm hard on him, is he works at Loma Linda at the hospital. He's an emergency physician. And the guy's got a decent life, but he's no celebrity. He's no Marcus Welby.
2:59🔗
Adam
And once in a while, my partner Drew goes out of town on some kind of business, and Dr. Bruce gets to sit in for him.
3:07🔗
Adam
And it's a lot like the starting quarterback going down and you getting to come out of the stands and play a few quarters. Maybe just one or two games a year. But still, you're not going to say, hold on, let me finish my beer when the coach points at you. You're going to hustle down to the field. Bruce does not take that approach to this show. He does not care if this show is national or not. He doesn't care how many cities it goes into. He doesn't care how many millions of people are listening. He shows up when he shows up. And his attitude is what you call laissez faire. So he will theoretically be in here. But I don't know for sure. So let's get the phone number out, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Snoop Doggy Dog will be in here tomorrow night. Carlos Mencia is a Hispanic stand-up who's got himself in a good laugher, which already makes me like him. He's going to be at the comedy festival coming up, which I'll be at.
4:17🔗
Adam
No. I'm a horrible stand-up. Really? Yes. Yes, I suck. So I'll not be doing any stand-up. We're doing some kind of man show. Actually, I had an idea about doing a man show reunion, even though we've only been on for one season. So we're going to do a man show reunion type thing up there for Comedy Central. You're going to be performing? Yeah. Doing stand-up up there?
4:39🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
I'm going to be doing some stand-up up there on Friday and Saturday.
4:42🔗
Adam
And that's a, wait, who, what? Oh, well, look what the cat dragged in, everybody. Dr. Bruce. Unacceptable. Dr. Bruce, say hi to Carlos Mencia.
4:58🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Have a good excuse, man. Just come on with a good excuse. Just lie about it. Just take one of your patient stories and exacerbate it and make just like the biggest lie so that it sounds great. You know what I mean?
5:09🔗
It's going to be a tough night.
5:10🔗
Yeah.
5:11🔗
Adam
Remember we had that conversation Sunday night and you said to me, show up 15 minutes early so we can hang out. Remember that?
5:20🔗
No, I said show up 15 minutes late so I could do the show.
5:23🔗
Adam
No, jackass. You said show up. All right. Put those headphones on. I have no time for you. I'm running on minimal sleep here. Anyway, Carlos has got himself a TV show but it ain't out yet so I'm not going to plug that. You will see him at the Ice House if you go down to Pasadena on the 28th of January. Is it this Friday?
5:51🔗
Adam
Yeah, I'm going to do one in French and German. Did you do two completely separate shows obviously in English and Spanish?
6:03🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Well, basically it's the same show but one's in English and one's in Spanish. So it's kind of like the Livin La Vida Loca song, you know what I mean? That's in English and in Spanish.
6:16🔗
Adam
So you play a club with the gringos in there, and then the next night you get some of the homeboys in and you do the same.
6:50🔗
Adam
You know what I was saying to somebody the other day? We need a good animal for the white person. Because he blacks, whenever that monkey thing comes in, everyone goes nuts. They got their animal.
7:01🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Yeah, as soon as somebody says monkey, it's a negative black thing.
7:04🔗
Adam
It doesn't matter. The black guy could have scored a touchdown, he could have crawled up the goalpost, and he could be standing on the goalpost scratching his underarms.
7:24🔗
Adam
And they would still, if he said he's acting like a monkey, he's fired. White guys, we got no animal.
7:38🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
But the good donkey, it depends on what donkey you're talking about. If you're talking about the donkey that does the chick, that's not a bad donkey to be.
7:47🔗
Adam
You know, I think the donkey is good for the Mexican, because here's the bottom line with the Mexican as far as I can tell. I grew up in LA and I worked in structure.
7:59🔗
It's a common white person excuse for prejudice.
8:04🔗
Adam
No, I know the Mexicans. I grew up in Los Angeles. And then, as you know or don't know, you work 13 years construction in LA and you only work with Mexican dudes.
8:24🔗
Rondes, exitos en español.
8:27🔗
Adam
That's Dr. Drew, everybody. But I think the donkey is a good metaphorical animal for the Mexican because here's why. Doesn't want to do the job but eventually gets up and does it. Right. That's the way I look at it. A little stubborn at first, maybe wants to sit in the shade, but you yank on the chain long enough and it'll drag that plow all the way across the land.
8:55🔗
Adam
Yeah. See, again, it's tough with the, like I said, the white guys. We got to get ourselves a good animal and a good slur.
9:10🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
But just in case anybody even thinks of deporting me, they won't.
9:16🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Yeah. So all you illegal aliens, you're Cubans now. Trust me on this one. Nobody will get rid of you. As a matter of fact, if you got family left over, they'll fly their asses here to meet you.
9:28🔗
Adam
Most white guys can't tell the difference anyway. I mean, we don't know if you're from Ecuador, you're from Tijuana, you're from Cuba, you're Central America. We don't really know, do we?
9:38🔗
Adam
No. And we certainly, I'm sure there's differences in the language, but we wouldn't notice those subtleties either.
9:44🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
My mom's from Mexico and my dad's from Honduras. And I was born in Honduras, but what people will ask me here, especially anywhere like in Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada, Denver, California, there's so many Mexican Mexicans that they'll ask me, where were you born? And I'll say, I was born in Honduras. And they'll say, what part of Mexico is that?
10:06🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
You know what I mean? You don't want to fight it. You don't want to get mad. You just kind of go.
10:10🔗
Adam
Is the, quiet down over there, Bruce. You haven't earned the right to talk yet. Let me ask you this. In terms of the dialect differences between, let's say, Mexico and somebody from Honduras. Right. How big a difference is that?
10:29🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
All right. In Mexico, it would be like, Oye, Carlos, cómo estás? Pues tienes tanto tiempo no venir por aquí. That's the meter.
10:37🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
In Central America, it's like, Mira, oh, no joda, no veniste por acá. Y cómo estás? You see the difference?
10:47🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
I don't want to do what he was right now. But the whole thing about... Well, see, Puerto Ricans, though, most of them are born here, so they have a weird accent because it's a mix between Abonics and Spanish.
11:00🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
No, seriously. So it's kind of like an Italian, black, kind of a Spanish thing, and it's not an authentic other country accent. Do you see what I'm saying?
11:17🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
See, like they all hate each other, you know what I mean? Yeah, all beaners hate each other. Trust me. I'm part of it, I know. That's why I say beaner and spick, and I don't even care.
11:27🔗
Adam
Good. Listen, I know guys from, like, guys from Nicaragua don't like guys from El Salvador and vice versa. And what they don't realize is all this round eyes just looking at them as just one big Mexican. That's all we see.
11:42🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Just like you're just one big dark thing, dude. You're that close to being black, you know what I mean?
11:47🔗
Adam
One gene and it's over. I break it up, you're either white, you're black, you're Asian, or you're Mexican.
11:53🔗
Adam
That's it. And the Puerto Ricans and Central Americans, people from Mexico, it's all one big thing.
12:01🔗
Adam
All right. Hey, my plan last night, by the way, you're gonna enjoy this, we had a rabbi in here. I told him, yeah, the Jews and the Palestinians are always going at it over some chunk of land over there. I say, have the Jews pull up stakes, let's move them all out to Baja, California, got a nice chunk of desert over there. They move out there, they get the Mexican economy right back on its feet in just a number of years and they got all the land they need. Doesn't that seem, why doesn't that make sense to anybody but me?
12:31🔗
Caller
Because the Palestinians, they're nomadic and there's lots of, there's camel territory.
12:40🔗
Adam
Let me give you a couple of ideas I've had too about stemming the tide of illegal immigration into this country. We need illegal immigrants though. From the Tijuana border. But we're always looking for ways to get rid of this. Here's my plan. I got a couple of big master plans.
12:55🔗
Adam
One is, no, this is good. Right at the Tijuana border, we open a giant Pep Boys and we staff it with DEA agents. Or with the immigration agents. It's just one big plywood thing. And we have a big sign out front that says, like, free batteries. The Mexican guys, Mexicans cannot avoid a Pep Boys. I don't know if you've been to a Pep Boys. It's a big auto parts chain. Mexican guy could have just made it over the border, but if he passes that huge Pep Boys, it says-
13:23🔗
Adam
Free tires. He's running in there. And that's, he just opens the front door, goes right back into a bus, and we take him right back across the border. The other angle I have is in, and this sounds a little strange, but do the math. We take the border in Tijuana and we move it back into Ensenada. Okay. Then they flee into Tijuana and take low-paying restaurant job.
13:48🔗
Adam
They set up camp in Tijuana. They just stay there. They think they're in. They get a job at a restaurant and they call it a life. Meanwhile, they're in Tijuana.
13:56🔗
Caller
The most radical plans, though, are my Mexican-American friends. Once they're over here, they got the great ideas. Huge walls, guns, to keep other...
14:06🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Look, the reality is that we need them. Who's gonna cut... Look, seriously. Who's gonna re-plaster your house for $25?
14:26🔗
Adam
It's in their blood. In their blood. I am telling you, I've worked with these guys for years. They can handle a trowel and a sling, stucco, like, like, like, like... Someone put a... I think when you're Mexican, when you're born, they put, like, a stucco trowel in your hand when you're three, right?
14:41🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Maybe, maybe there's, like, little tiny things inside the mother's womb. You know what I mean? And we just... We're in there playing with them inside the womb. I don't know.
14:52🔗
Yo.
14:56🔗
Caller
I just want to say, I listen to you guys all the time. Good. You guys are all right, man.
15:07🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
How do you separate the boys from what, from the men from the boys in Greece, what's that, with a crowbar?
15:24🔗
Caller
I had to take a drug test the other day. This is like a pre-employment thing. And I ended up using my father's urine.
15:41🔗
Adam
You warmed it up on the way there. You got one of those coffee mug warmers that plugs into your cigarette lighter for your car? How do you warm it up on the way over there?
15:49🔗
Caller
I pulled the cup holder out, it crumbled like a bag, and stuck it in the hole, and then I stuck the little camera film container on top of it.
16:06🔗
Caller
You're sharper than most. I had a patient, or maybe it's a proverbial story, but the male that used the female's urine, and there was a positive pregnancy test on the male.
16:18🔗
Adam
The good news is you've been hired. The bad news is you're pregnant. Yeah, right. All right, so John, you used your dad's urine.
16:26🔗
Adam
That must have been a wonderful moment in his life when his 26-year-old son came over and asked to borrow some urine.
16:50🔗
Adam
They count the rings. That's just in the stool. That's just number two. Yeah, I don't think they can do it with the urine.
16:58🔗
Caller
Okay. My other question is, he's on some high blood pressure medication. And it's a Lodacin, and the other one is aetanol.
17:07🔗
Caller
Aetanolol. It doesn't matter. They're not checking for anything but a drugs of abuse screen.
17:17🔗
Adam
They're not going to find those in the urine though, John, because they're not looking for them.
17:27🔗
Caller
Well, actually, a couple of days ago. Well, I don't buy it or nothing like that, but when it's offered, you know-
17:37🔗
Adam
Okay. All right. And what was your dad's reaction when you asked him for some of his urine?
17:59🔗
Adam
You know what's funny though? The worst jobs in the world are the ones you have to take the drug test for.
18:06🔗
Adam
The guy, we've had guys trying to get jobs stocking at Walmart and stuff, and they're taking drug tests. Meanwhile, I got two TV shows and a radio show. I've never done anything.
18:21🔗
Well, it's hard as you're working.
18:23🔗
Caller
For people listening, the legitimate tests are done by people that have to be bonded or take classes just to collect the year, and there's a certification for collecting year.
18:37🔗
Adam
They should just get them to do it when they show up, not tell them, when you come in tomorrow, we're going to test you.
18:52🔗
Caller
Good. I just have a question because I was fooling around with my boyfriend and we were using a candle, and he stuck it like inside my vagina, and it went like in pretty far, and I bled, and I'm just wondering, like, and it wasn't my period or anything for a while.
19:28🔗
Caller
Listen, I want you to get a wire hair brush. The next time he wants to stick something inside of you, you have to put the wire hair brush up his butt first. How do you like that?
19:50🔗
Yeah.
19:53🔗
Caller
Did you look at the little marks to tell you how far to put it in? That's how you know.
19:56🔗
No.
20:02🔗
He's 20.
20:03🔗
Caller
OK, did he, did anybody, and I'm trying to be serious, did anybody do anything to him when he was younger, or have you had that much disclosure from him? I mean, certainly these are, there are products that are made to insert, that you can purchase, but it's not a good idea to put any foreign object there because you can get little pieces of it that will act as a nidus for bacteria to grow, a fomite, and it's a matter of having a pelvic exam is the only way to really tell exactly what happened, but certainly it's...
20:42🔗
Okay.
20:44🔗
Um, I don't know. Not really.
20:49🔗
Okay.
20:52🔗
Caller
Does he like, yeah, does he do other things that he gets you to do what you don't want to do?
20:56🔗
No, not at all.
20:58🔗
Just a candle.
20:59🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
So this is the first freak. How long have you been going out with this guy?
21:01🔗
Um, for a while.
21:05🔗
Like, not that long actually.
21:09🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
So he's going to get freakier, you know that, right? I mean, like the candle's like the first thing, you know what I mean?
21:14🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Yeah, within about a year it's going to be a Mexican donkey. Trust me on this one. He's going there. He will.
21:22🔗
Yeah.
21:23🔗
Adam
Yeah, listen. He's going to have the cake up there. And then it's really, he won't know when to stop.
21:29🔗
Oh God.
21:29🔗
Adam
Alright, listen you screwball. You start choosing your man a little better. I don't trust this guy. And it's not Virgina. It's Vagina. Alright, it's always trouble when they pronounce it Virgina. They used to shove in one of them candles up my vagina.
21:55🔗
Yeah.
22:03🔗
Adam
Well, basically, I think it's like 19 or something like that, right? But it's pretty marginal from like 15 to 19, isn't it? You might squeeze another 3 1⁄8 of an inch out of it.
22:15🔗
Caller
Who knows? It depends on kind of nutrients people use. They seem to be dipping it in things and doing, stretching it.
22:42🔗
Yeah.
22:45🔗
Yeah.
22:48🔗
Yeah.
22:49🔗
Caller
Majority of your growth is done at 16 or 17, but genetics come into play. Some people have a growth spurt later on, 18, 19 years old. So that's possible. But again, it's very interesting to just find out what your concerns are.
23:07🔗
Adam
My penis stopped growing like 26 years ago. But my scrotum, my left testes has been racing my right testes to the ground for the last 10 years. And my left one is a head like three quarters of an inch.
23:31🔗
Adam
See who can get to the knee first. Ready? Go. Uh-oh, it's cold. All right, let's go back up.
23:38🔗
Adam
It's like on the downhill skiing, they have that shed at the top of the hill they start from. That's where the scrotum goes back up to. And then it warms up a little. They open the gate. Bell rings. Pow, they're back down again.
23:54🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
But as you get older, they go lower and lower, right? Because I mean, I've seen my dad, and my dad's just like, he's halfway down the bunny hill. You know what I mean?
24:07🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Is there any way to stop that? Wearing specific underwear or something like that? Like can you wear specific underwear that holds them in place so that they don't, you know what I mean, hang, so to speak?
24:25🔗
Adam
No, you, if you wear, okay, if a woman wears a bra, will it lessen her chance of the breast hanging low?
24:32🔗
Caller
It's a different story because you have tissues in this, just as you were describing, there's muscular tissue and there's movement up and down, that's by design. No, there's not, it's not a comparable situation.
24:44🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
So if you wear a jockstrap all your life that holds up your nuts, basically they're still going to, they're still going to race down the hill.
24:53🔗
Adam
Alright, and when you let them out it's going to be like a slinky coming out of a can. My dad, you know like when some guys nap, they take their hat and lean it over their eyes, my dad will pull a scrotum up over his head.
25:06🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Let him hang behind his head? So he looks like one of those aliens on one of those like TV shows.
25:11🔗
Adam
One of the Mexican guys against the cactus when he takes a sombrero and leans it down, except for he's got the scrotum, he pulls it up. All right, we're going to take a little break. Carlos Mencia is here. He is a stand up comedian. I will tell you about where you can find him and all that stuff after this. Dr. Bruce is here. I'm going to give him a good talk into him. We'll be back with more of the show after this.
25:36🔗
Adam
We'll be right back. It is Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Bruce. Phone number 1-800-L-A-V-E-1-9-1. Snoop Dogg allegedly will be in here tomorrow night, although I believe that. Yay.
26:22🔗
Adam
That is stand-up comedian Carlos Mencia. He, I've seen him on Tonight Show and Comic Relief. You also can find him coming up at the Ice House this Friday and Saturday with a whole bunch of shows. And he'll be at the Aspen Comedy Festival. He's got a CD coming out in English and Spanish. So actually, if you wanted to learn Spanish, or at least you could probably listen to both of them. Listen to the English one first, memorize it, and then hear the Spanish one, and you could actually sort of time along with it.
26:53🔗
Adam
It's Comedy by Berlitz, everybody. And Dr. Bruce is again doing a wonderful job filling in for Dr. Drew. Dr. Drew, Bob. You're 19.
27:27🔗
Caller
I went over to her house one day when she wasn't home, and her mom answered the door and her mom was the only one home. And I went in the house for a couple of minutes and she started hitting on me.
28:22🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Especially when you're 17. Oh, yeah. And you get, you know, because that's, that's like freaky stuff. And then that, and you know what, even, even if after you're a bit traumatized by it, at the time, it's pretty cool. And when you tell your friends, you know, I did my girlfriend's mom, you're, you're like a stud for however long. I mean, at that age, when you're 17, you know, it's like, you did her mom, you were the man. You know, it's not, you know, it's something that you know, and you remember for a long time.
28:48🔗
Yeah.
28:48🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
I had sex with my teacher when I was 17 and she was 32. I remember exactly what happened.
28:54🔗
Jesus Christ in heaven.
29:00🔗
Really?
29:02🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
You know what? I was, I was one of those students that when I was in the sixth grade, I got skipped to the tenth grade, you know, from the sixth to the tenth grade.
29:10🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Yeah. But my dad didn't want that to happen. So he kind of didn't allow me to go to school for like three years. And I kind of caught up, you know, I was a bit mature and really smart.
29:35🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
So we were, we were, you know, she was an English teacher and, you know, she really dug my writing and all that kind of stuff. And one day we went over and, you know, she started like getting, you know, saying things and, you know, and I was, I jumped on it. I'm, you know what I mean?
29:50🔗
Adam
Wow. This is, this is tremendous. So let me just backtrack for a second. When you're in the sixth grade, they want to push you ahead to the 10th grade. And that's because you're 16 or because you're smart.
30:09🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
No, exactly. It wasn't one of those. I've been going to the first grade for four years. It wasn't one of those, man.
30:14🔗
Adam
Now, don't make front of the Tardos. So you're in the sixth grade. I mean, I couldn't imagine going through seventh, eighth and ninth grade. That's a huge jump.
30:36🔗
Adam
Gonna be 12. And they want to push you ahead to the 10th grade. Which may make sense on paper, but socially I think it's a disaster.
30:44🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Right. And my dad, and you know what, that's so impressive because my dad, who's like a total immigrant, you know what I mean, grew up in Honduras, a really poor country, not a lot of education himself. You know what I mean? I think he went to like the third grade. That was the most he did.
31:04🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
And he said, you know what, I'm not gonna let this happen. This is not gonna happen.
31:09🔗
Adam
Why didn't you just go to 7th grade? Couldn't they have just said, no, I don't wanna skip him, I wanna be in 7th grade?
31:15🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Because I already knew all, you know what I mean? All those classes, I already knew all that stuff. So it was kinda like redundant. And it got to the point in the 6th grade where they would give us, I was in the advanced class, and they would give us like, you know, something to do that would take an hour. And it would take me like 15 minutes. And then I'd walk around the room telling everybody how stupid they were, you know, for not getting it. Because, you know, it got to that point where I'm just calling everybody an idiot. And I'm really mean, and you know, I'm starting to... Exactly, and my dad...
31:57🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Yes, I swear to God. I saw him like planting rice and beans and corn and all this psycho. I mean, I'm like hiking three miles to go into the wilderness, practicing slash and burn, you know, kind of agriculture.
32:14🔗
Adam
The exact same thing happened to me, so I know what you're talking about. That was my life. But let me explain what really happened here, Carolla. Your father's uncle, his brother, over in Honduras, called and said, here's what he said. The mule died.
32:32🔗
Adam
All right. Hold on. Let me come up with a plan. Son, come here, Carlos, come here. The school, it just called. They said you're a genius. They want to move you to college. I will not let them do that. I will send you to Honduras.
32:48🔗
Adam
You'll burn rainforest and pick the back off for five years. Then your comeback will start you in the 10th grade.
33:05🔗
Caller
Thank God we're back to the teacher. But don't you look back on that and think that teacher was pretty messed up.
33:10🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
You know what she was because not only did we have sex, we had anal sex of 17.
33:16🔗
Caller
And when you have kids, I don't know if you have kids, but I mean having kids imagining a teacher doing that. Oh my God.
33:23🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
You know what? It's two levels though. You know what I mean? On an intellectual level, I can say, you know what? There had to be something missing in her life, you know what I mean, in order for her to seek what she sought out in me. Do you know what I mean? I mean, there has to be something missing.
33:40🔗
Caller
That would be medically or psychiatrically a major disturbance in that individual. And at 17, you feel like you are a man, you're completely capable, it's a wonderful thing. But looking back on it...
33:51🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
But when I look back at it, you know what I mean? I say, wow, she must have been freaked. But there's always that part of me that's like, you know, I was 17 and I scored, you know what I mean? And that part doesn't go away either.
34:09🔗
Adam
The bizarre thing about this whole thing is like, I look back into my high school experience and I was like, yeah, I was on the JV basketball team. Carlos looks back and I sodomize my English teacher.
34:30🔗
Adam
All right. We're going to squeeze ourselves in a call. Wow. A skip from the 6th to the 10th. Gone is the ghost. Honduras nails the teacher in the ass. What a rich life you've led, Carlos.
35:06🔗
Adam
Sodomy has a whole different ring to it. Yeah, exactly. All right. And what kind of move did he try to make? How do you know he tried to make a move?
35:14🔗
Caller
Well, he... I was working on an enlarger, and he came up behind me and kind of grabbed me around my back and said, hey, what you doing, you know, stuff like that.
35:29🔗
Caller
Well, I just kind of turned around and was real scared and was joking around, and I just left.
35:38🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
He kind of rubbed his back in an erotic, provocative kind of way, right?
35:47🔗
Adam
Because here's the deal. There are people that won't be as assertive as you who may fall victim to this guy.
35:56🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
And I mean, it sounds like you weren't, like, overtly aggressive in saying, hey, get away from me or whatever. You kind of, like, laughed it off and walked away, too. So this is something that you definitely need to tell somebody.
36:11🔗
Caller
And, Michael, you shouldn't have to have any further negative experience. Because of this, there's an adult in your life, somebody you can talk to, your dad, or...
36:27🔗
Adam
If he is. If he's not older brother, dad, or pedophile uncle, somebody you can trust. That's all I'm saying. Christina?
36:34🔗
Yeah.
36:53🔗
Caller
Okay. I'm a little nervous. I had a question about masturbation. I've done it for a while and sometimes like up to four times a day. And I started since like, what, fifth grade.
37:07🔗
Fifth grade?
37:49🔗
Adam
All right. So you're sort of turning that closeness on yourself. You're doing a lot of masturbation. So what's the question?
38:15🔗
Caller
Hey, I didn't find out his age until, well, not until after. Well, after I knew him, I knew his age.
38:32🔗
Caller
There are no physical complications to that, so you don't have to worry about infertility, whatever else.
38:36🔗
Caller
I will think about infertility problems later on in the future because I use different things.
38:41🔗
Adam
And I heard you talk about, like, you know, you're not using, like, a rose bush or anything, are you?
39:03🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Don't you have, don't you have, like, a specific device for that?
39:06🔗
Caller
Usually, like, my lotion bottle sometimes. And then, like, I, like, use a banana and, like, a carrot and.
39:22🔗
Adam
Listen, you're not, you know, it's not like the plane went down and you got to fashion a radio out of junk in the cargo bin or something. Right. Go down, buy your, drop down $10, get at the Army Surplus store, for Christ's sake, get yourself a vibrator and use it. I mean, dedicate something to your vagina. And it's not just whatever's closest to the bed. So I got the reading lamp up there, the Bible the next day, the TV remote. You know, don't you just, you have a little consistency.
39:52🔗
Adam
All right. Hey, Christine, are you sure, you sure no one did anything weird to you? No, nobody from the church when you were six or anything? Seriously.
40:13🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
So you're not close to men pretty much at all, and you and your dad don't get along?
40:18🔗
Caller
Me and my dad don't get along. It's just... And my mom, we definitely don't get along. I'm sick of girls. I'm...
40:31🔗
Adam
Get a little... Read a few books. Get a little therapy. And let's say limit the variety of things you put in your crotch to, let's say, 25 different objects. Well, you know the way we'll choose all those. But, you know, don't just grab whatever's closest. You can kind of like stuff the cat up there one day by mistake.
40:49🔗
Caller
You know, with little kids, they design the toy so things don't break off. And with other household objects, they don't have masturbation in mind.
40:55🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Yeah, go online. And I don't know. But if you go through your browser and find this out, and there's an actual list, an actual list of things that doctors have removed from vaginas. And when you see that list and you see some of the things that you've put up your thing and then that they get stuck, you're going to realize that you should probably be using something that's intended for that so that you don't hurt yourself.
41:26🔗
Adam
When we come back, Dr. Bruce will share with us what he's removed from an anus. Okay, Bruce?
41:33🔗
Adam
Comedian Carlos Mencia is here with us tonight and we'll take a little break. We'll come back.
42:12🔗
Adam
It's the Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Bruce over there, filling in for Dr. Drew. Dr. Bruce is a board certified physician. He specializes in addiction medicine and also emergency medicine, so he's more than qualified.
42:31🔗
Adam
Oh, that's right. Yeah, we do want to find out. By the way, Carlos Mencia is our guest tonight. He is a stand-up comedian. You can find him at the Ice House all weekend this weekend in Aspen. He's got a CD coming out, English and Spanish, a TV show. And as far as I can tell, he's ripe to die in a plane crash, because things are really going well for him.
42:53🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Dude, that is so funny, because yeah, I think I've always thought, except for recently with Ricky Martin and Jennifer Lopez and Christine Aguilera, before 1999, I had a theory that there was like, God was pissed at Hispanics or something, because anytime we got near, like, you know what I mean? Selena gets shot, Freddie Prinze gets shot, Richie Valens goes down on a plane, Raul Julia gets cancer, you know what I mean? It's like, it's all tragic, man.
43:23🔗
Adam
Yeah, they fight to get one Mexican into show business, they last for six months, and then some God strikes them down.
43:30🔗
Adam
Although, it's not like Freddie Prinze was in the back of a convertible waving to a bunch of Texans when someone took him out. I mean, he had a small hand in that one.
43:45🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
You know what though, you know what it's like. You know what people don't understand, and you know what? I'm an average, everyday guy, and I don't feel sorry for Kurt Cobain and nothing like that. But people don't understand the pressures. Let's say all the stuff that you're doing. People don't understand the outside pressures that are upon you. How much money you're generating and how much responsibility you have. You know, some people, some people can't handle that. You know what I mean?
44:11🔗
Adam
Yeah, it's the kind of thing where, you know, speaking personally, I have a good job, I enjoy myself, everything's great. But in my old job, if I got up in the morning, I didn't feel so good, I'd pick up the phone and say I'm not going to be there. The guy would say fine.
44:29🔗
Adam
Now, you know that if you're booked to do stand-up or you're doing a presentation or you're going to Aspen for the comedy festival, you got a live radio show to do that night, whatever, you can't just say, You can't. I ain't going to make it. And that does weigh on you just a little bit. Now, Bruce.
44:47🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
No, but I mean, you know, like, I've been doing comedy for 12 years, all right? I work at least every year, 48 weeks a year, you know, and a lot most of it on the road. Right.
45:01🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Being the meal for my uncle. He gave me a whole new perspective on that, man.
45:06🔗
Adam
Bringing heroin back over the border. Sure. He's a working man. And he does three or four stand up gigs. So on top of that.
45:13🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
This is the first time. This year, in West Palm Beach, Florida, by the way, and I want to apologize because I know you guys are there for everybody that was going to go see me and I couldn't. I got like sick. But it's the first time I've ever canceled the gig ever since I started doing comedy. And I felt really bad about it. And then when I spoke to the gentleman, you know, of the club, he's like, next time you come in, our deal is going to be different because I lost like three to $10,000.
45:45🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
You know, and it's like you feel bad. You're like, oh my god, you know, like that's like that's not a lot of money either.
46:03🔗
Adam
Or the leader of his fan club breaks a twig and goes after him. Well, Mary, get your question out. So you're always cheated on your boyfriends.
46:32🔗
Adam
Nothing. All right. So knock it off or get it together. Are you torturing your poor husband by explaining to him what a slut you were in your earlier days?
46:46🔗
At the beginning of it, it was pure sex.
46:50🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
But did you cheat on him when you guys were boyfriend and girlfriend?
47:16🔗
Caller
But, okay, look at how you're using sex and look at what sex can be and what it was. When you're in a relationship and you're cheating and having sex with other people, you know, this is not something that's related to intimacy. It's related to...
47:32🔗
Caller
No, I mean, there's anger, there's aggression. There are a lot of things going on there when you're doing that. And when you get married and you're committing to one person and then you're expecting the sex to be part of a committed relationship, where's the transition there? You weren't doing it, you never were doing that. So why is it going to translate into the marriage?
47:55🔗
Adam
I got to jump to a break again. I ran too long on my last one. This is an issue, the hypersexuality and now the sexual dormancy.
48:05🔗
Adam
All right, then you got to get in some therapy and you got to work some issues out, because there's something motivating this, okay?
48:11🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Yeah, because you're basically relating sex to non-intimacy, and intimacy and love doesn't equate to sex. So sex is like a dirty kind of freaky thing that you do, and you don't want to do that with your husband because you love him. So you're going to have to like restructure the way you look at sex in order to make it, you know, applicable to the way you love.
48:30🔗
Adam
Read a book, get some therapy, and just hold still once a week and let them climb on. All right, we'll take ourselves a little break. We'll be right back.
48:39🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Okay, let's do it. Call Loveline 1-800-LOVE-191. Loveline will be right back.
49:19🔗
Adam
It's Loveline. We're going to take a quick 10-second timeout. We'll be back with more of the show in just 10 seconds.
49:41🔗
Adam
It's Loveline, I'm Adam Corolla, it's Dr. Bruce. Dr. Bruce is a board certified physician, knows all the stuff Drew knows. Phone number, 1-800-L-F-E-E-1-9-1, Snoop Dogg will be in here tomorrow night. Tonight, Carlos Mencia is our guest. He's been on Tonight Show, done Comic Relief. You can find him at the Ice House in Pasadena. Coming up Friday and Saturday of this weekend. Also, he's gonna do the Aspen Comedy Festival, and got a CD coming out, a TV show, and plenty of irons in the fire, as they say. Dr. Bruce, we want to find out what you've pulled out of someone's ass, because Dr. Bruce works in the ER. He does not look like George Clooney, but he's more qualified to work in the ER.
50:30🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
There is an actor, though, that you look like, but I don't know the guy's name, and I don't remember what he's been on, but hopefully by the end of the show, I'll remember. But you do look like, there's an actor guy that has red hair that you look like.
50:46🔗
Adam
Mr. Haney from Green Acres. Who had that general store over on the Green Acres? Yeah. All right. The point is he's working the front lines, and when someone gets something stuck in their ass, they go to the ER, right? I mean, they don't wait to see their physician or anything.
51:06🔗
Caller
Great PR for emergency medicine. What do we think of? We think of foreign bodies in the butt.
51:10🔗
Adam
Right. Now, what have you? I'm not interested in what your colleagues have pulled out or what you've read about or what you've heard about second hand. I want to know what you've pulled out or where you've been when something was being pulled out.
51:25🔗
Caller
Okay. Well, you know, a nice story is the two gentlemen that were, they liked to play with plaster of Paris and they found that it was malleable and would form very interesting objects. But once they accidentally bought rapid setting plaster of Paris and the object once inserted would not return.
51:54🔗
Caller
Well, you're a construction person. I assume this is something that you can get into a clay-like consistency and push it in in a semi-solid state and if it doesn't settle.
52:05🔗
Adam
Yeah, if you're dealing with something, they have something called fix-all, for instance. It dries hard as concrete. And you can sort of work with it for about ten minutes. But then once it hardens, it goes quick. It takes about a minute to rock hard. And then once it's hardened, it's like having a block of concrete.
52:21🔗
Caller
Right. So there's some sort of pushing that made the end inside bigger than the orifice.
52:35🔗
Caller
You know, I don't recall. It sounds like something I'd be just curious about and find out.
52:42🔗
Caller
Oh, you know, one poor guy is a truck driver. And pick up my first chart after a nice long weekend. And it says sore throat. Go talk to the guy. And he's three weeks away from his wife. He picked up a hooker at the truck stop. And they both got drunk and she insisted on a California cooler bottle on his butt. And it popped up there. And all the way in? All the way in. You know, I don't know if they still make us up. You know, the outline of the bottle is very characteristic. So I got a plain film of the abdomen. And for the residents, you pop it up on the screen and you say, I need to.
53:14🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
It's like a movie. It's got like the little linemen and everything.
53:20🔗
Caller
You know, there was... Well, if you put somebody under anesthesia, then the rectum is... You can get a lot more volume of hand up there.
53:30🔗
Caller
Well, I tried with my gloved hand, but spasm and immediate contraction, there's no way it was gonna work. So then you call surgery, they put them under and take them up to the operating room.
53:41🔗
Caller
Reach in and yank it out. I guess. I tell you the truth. I didn't follow up on that one either.
53:53🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
That had to be his idea. Come on. I mean, I don't know, you know. What kind of a hooker? I'm paying you. What do you mean you want me to stick this up my ass? What's wrong with you? You know what I mean? That doesn't fit in the contract. I'm the one paying here.
54:09🔗
Adam
Right. That's like you bring your car to the car wash and the guy says he begs you to do an oil change for free while you're doing it. It's like, why is he going the extra mile?
54:18🔗
Caller
This guy is paying three times. He paid the hooker, he paid the hospital and when he got back to Illinois where he's from, I'm sure he paid his wife.
54:24🔗
Adam
Paid the Fiddler. Oh man. Wine cooler. And by the way, if I was going to have a bottle up my rectum, I'd prefer it to be a masculine bottle, you know, like King Cobra or something, not a wine cooler.
54:49🔗
Caller
Yes. I'm dating a 37-year-old woman who, she lives in Eastern Kentucky and I live in Western. And she's come out here to visit me quite often in the past eight months. And I've managed to always keep, you know, keep it from my parents what she's, you know, how old she is.
55:25🔗
Caller
Well, I've, I responded to a personal ad that she had up. She's been divorced for about three years.
55:32🔗
Adam
Right. Old and stupid. Looking for a young Kentuckyan companion to have sex without any questions asked. Are you guys falling in love?
55:44🔗
Adam
Yeah. Let me explain a syndrome that I'm well aware of from doing this show, Michael. A lot of women, they get married. It's a long marriage. It's a bad marriage. And then they get out of it and they don't want to be with a guy they could marry again. They want to have sex. They want to have fun. But they don't want to be with someone they could potentially marry again. So they get a really young guy. And then you can't get married because it's like I'm 37. You're 19. It would never work out. And there's that built in obstacle. It's this is the equivalent to the women, by the way, who date only guys who are married. They could never marry him. And they know it on some level. I bet her marriage was a crappy one. Has she told you anything about that?
56:29🔗
Caller
Yes. She was married to the guy for 13 years. And pretty much the whole time he didn't treat her too well. They married right out of...
56:39🔗
Adam
Perfect. Just what I said. Married for a long time, married young, and the guy was abusive or not good. Now she's going to be in a relationship that she can't really totally commit to. Meanwhile, you're getting all caught up in it.
57:01🔗
Caller
There are things that are not going to happen to a 70-year-old dating this person. You're developmental things and learning things. You're really sabotaging your future. Because as Adam is saying, this is not going to go anywhere. This is not going to end up a committed life partner.
57:18🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
It's not healthy. What you're doing is not healthy. She doesn't really love you because she can't. Just the fact that she chose you to be a partner and you can't commit. And she can't commit on purpose goes to show you the state of mind that she's in. You know what I mean? And she can say I love you and you can feel that and what not. But it's not real. It's pretend. You know, she's faking it. She's using you basically. She's fulfilling something that she needs with you. And you probably like the sex and you dig that she's old and she's all that. You know, but it's not right.
58:11🔗
Adam
Hey, Michael. Uh-huh. Listen, what's up with you? You're engaged when you're eighteen, you broke that off. You met some old chick over the Internet. She got a couple of kids. She lives across state. Hey, you know, can you just get a job and move out of the house and date nineteen year olds?
58:40🔗
Adam
Listen, I don't think we're going to talk you out of anything. Do not get her pregnant. And then one day you'll realize what this all meant. All right?
58:49🔗
Adam
I'm not going to try to give you an advice. Just don't knock her up and keep an eye on her. It's always the same case, though. Married for 15 years, married too young, abusive husband. Now I'm going out with a kid who's way too young.
59:01🔗
Caller
Listen to the little voice. I'm sure he's got one that's saying there's something wrong with this.
59:08🔗
Caller
I got a buddy that I've been his friend for like two or three years because I just moved here. But me and my other friends kind of think he might be gay. There's some things he's done we caught him doing, but I don't really know how to approach him.
59:35🔗
Caller
No, we were, I think it was like last Saturday. I'm pretty sure it was last Saturday. We were watching Predator and we just got back from a party. He said, we're all pretty drunk. And I kind of know where he gets up so we think he's puking. The guy who lives there kind of followed him in the bathroom. He's jacking off and then, I don't know, we're all just kind of like, whoa, bro.
59:57🔗
Adam
Wow, listen, I can only look at Schwarzenegger so long with his shirt off before I got to head into the bathroom myself. That's healthy. There's nothing wrong with that. That's a man.
1:00:07🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
He wasn't staring at you guys while he was doing this, was he? I mean, he was like, out back by himself.
1:00:12🔗
Caller
We kind of, well, not caught him, but we kind of, like, I've passed out over his house a couple times.
1:00:21🔗
Caller
Okay, look, by 19, you should be sort of leaving this peer group type of stuff and moving out and developing your own life. And I'm not sure what the concern is.
1:00:52🔗
Adam
Because, I mean, I have it myself on a constant basis. I squeezed one off before I came into work tonight.
1:01:06🔗
Caller
I bet these guys started drinking heavily when they were 13 or 14, when the peer group is the big thing and they never grew out of it.
1:02:00🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Step off. Just jam. Leave. Run. Do like Forrest Gump and just get your ass out. Seriously.
1:02:05🔗
Adam
Oh, yeah. Well, three and a half years will pass in the blink of an eye. I remember what it was like being 20.
1:02:16🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Yeah. Well, you know what? Look, you don't even have to go on any further. Think of what you said. He used to be a really nice guy. That means he's not anymore. Just move on. I mean, you can say all this stuff and come in and out. And you know what I mean? And you're going to start making up excuses for the guy and saying, well, you don't understand. But the reality is, you know, that you're supposed to get out.
1:02:38🔗
Caller
You've got a victim painted on you somewhere. He's got control issues. He didn't. He wasn't a nice guy. He had a veneer and the veneers weren't thin.
1:02:46🔗
Adam
And you know, you want to move in with his with his grandparents so they can keep an eye on you, do you?
1:03:11🔗
Adam
Oh, better. They shouldn't. Why? They're so liberal with the use of the word college. You know, I go to bartending college. Right. You know, I go to beauty college. Oh, hold on. You are sitting there coloring wigs on a styrofoam head should not have college.
1:03:26🔗
Adam
Put at the end of it. How's the football team this year? Listen, you graduate that beauty college, you get yourself a job at a salon, and you talk to all the other bitter women about what you hate about men while you chew gum. And eventually a nice guy comes in there, he drops off a UPS package, you hear harp music, and you guys get married. You don't wait for this guy to get out of prison.
1:03:58🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Don't like wait till he's like six months to go, and then he's really going to be pissed and he's going to snap at you.
1:04:08🔗
Caller
And I think to make it clear, it's not because this guy's in prison. Being in prison is not the problem. It sounds like he's very controlling and he's manipulative.
1:04:17🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
But yeah, yeah, exactly. I mean, come on, you know. You're not in there for no reason.
1:04:22🔗
Adam
Jake, you're 16. I'm sure he has priors if he's in there, three to five. Oh, yeah, hey. What's up?
1:04:32🔗
Caller
And like it doesn't like every five minutes. I'll just feel like a sudden just jolt of pain.
1:04:55🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
I don't know what it's called, but to the point where they actually had to like remove his testicle. And that could happen.
1:05:02🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
And all he did was he was just running around. You know, what we'd been doing since we were kids. And one day just the wrong thing went the wrong way and circumstances. And he ended up in the hospital.
1:05:16🔗
Caller
Oh, 12 hours out. So you're at the point where you have a significant chance of if it's...
1:05:26🔗
Caller
It doesn't matter. The situation is certain individuals, the support mechanism for the testicle is not what it should be and the thing twists. And you've got arteries going down into the testicle and when you twist it, the blood supply gets compromised. It stops supplying blood there and so it can go in twist and untwist. It can do all kinds of things. You just can't tell without you get a simple scan. It's like an ultrasound. It tells you if the blood flow is normal. They'll check your analysis.
1:06:00🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
If you go to the doctor and there's nothing wrong, it's no big deal. But if you don't go to the doctor and there's something wrong, you might lose your nut. Do you understand? It's that how simple. So get your ass and go to the doctor.
1:06:12🔗
Caller
This is not a wait till the morning thing because percentage-wise, you get up probably close to 80%, 90%, you're going to lose it.
1:06:28🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Are you going to make a movie about you marry Joe Laterno too or something?
1:06:39🔗
Dr. Bruce
That's a complicated situation. Like, it just had happened over a long time. We've known him for about two and a half years.
1:07:02🔗
Adam
Hold on a second. Hold on one second. By the way, it's a bad sign when you're working with, like, a 13, 14-year-old, you know.
1:07:16🔗
Adam
He's coming into the break room going, put that cigarette out. It's time to get back on the clock. Hey, time to lean, time to clean. Come on, let's get back into it.
1:07:25🔗
Adam
All right. Hey, Maria. Yeah. Let me float a theory here because I got to figure this one out.
1:07:49🔗
Adam
Listen, people are getting out of the way too. You're fat. Drew, please. Let me do the radio math.
1:07:58🔗
Adam
Quiet down, you pedophile. Let me do the math here. 5'4, 160. I'm doing the radio math, by the way. 36D. Oh, slow down. Let me figure it out.
1:08:21🔗
Adam
I'm sure. Listen, listen. No, I'm not trying to make funny. I'm just trying to figure out why you're wasting your time with a 16-year-old.
1:08:27🔗
Dr. Bruce
Maybe that's part of what I'm calling is like I don't feel like I'm wasting my time. I'm sort of living in the present. Like, okay, we're enjoying each other. We have a great time together.
1:08:36🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
How could you though? Seriously. I mean, I know what it's like to be 27 and what it's like to be 16. And there is no way that a grown woman at the age of 27 can mentally be on the same level as a 16-year-old boy.
1:08:51🔗
Adam
Especially when they're more mature. Were you overweight, more overweight in high school or something?
1:08:56🔗
Dr. Bruce
No, I would say that I was definitely sheltered. I definitely grew up late, and he is definitely someone who has had more things happen to him in his younger life.
1:09:08🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
It still doesn't make up for 11 years, man. That is huge, huge.
1:09:20🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
No, no, no, no. I'm not talking about legally. I'm talking about...
1:09:24🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Emotionally, what you're doing is wrong. It says something about you. This is... You should be introspective. There's something wrong with the way you look at yourself or the way you look at relationships in order for you to do this to yourself because in reality, you're tricking yourself. There's no way that you can have the same conversation with a 16-year-old that you can have with a 25-year-old or a 27- or a 30-year-old man. And if you believe that, you're totally kidding yourself and you're totally lying to yourself.
1:09:54🔗
Caller
You can talk to her. You're blue in the face. She's not gonna understand that now. But Maria, I have a... Is she on there?
1:10:00🔗
Caller
I have a proposition for you. What about going to a council or a therapist and spending some time... Because what you don't have here is insight. There's something we're seeing that you're not seeing because you're emotionally enmeshed with this guy and you're seeing the complimentary aspects of your going out with him. But what about going to somebody and giving it a period of, say, three or six months where, you know, therapy isn't just laying there and talking about dreams. It's looking at things that you might not intuitively see just off the bat.
1:10:30🔗
Adam
All right. Do that and see if you're going to arrive at something other than what you've arrived at.
1:10:35🔗
You're overweight.
1:10:36🔗
Adam
She's fat. Hey, let me hear, by the way, you know, I hate to say it, but I miss Drew. It's easy when Bruce is filling in. I'd miss, you know, Hitler's cousin if Bruce stays here another night. Hey Anderson, let's hear the Drew Boogie, because it's been a little while and I do miss it.
1:11:18🔗
I was born, so I had anal sect.
1:11:21🔗
Still a virgin, tried to be straight, or I thought I should be straight, and I was confused.
1:11:26🔗
You know, peon this makes me sick. Hurts when I urinate.
1:11:34🔗
This guy's penis makes me sick.
1:11:43🔗
It's called intimacy.
1:11:45🔗
You're fat.
1:12:03🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
He's gotten so good though. I mean, I remember when the show was on K-Rock like long time ago and, you know, it was like it was stumbling on itself. You know what I mean? They get freaky calls. They didn't know how to screen out the guys who were calling in. You know what I mean? Like now, you're so good at knowing the BS call. You know what I mean? You like know the right questions to ask and right when they stumble, you're like, eh, dick, and you hang up. You know what I'm saying? But Drew's like so, you know, he's gotten so good at just like telling people, like they'll say, you know, I'm calling. You're gay, dude. You're gay. You know, he's just like so good on that.
1:12:40🔗
Adam
Yeah, he's got a nose. He's got a nose like a bloodhound. Yes, he is good. And Bruce is getting better, I might say.
1:12:48🔗
Faggot better run.
1:12:50🔗
Adam
15 years. He doesn't like the gays, though. I'll say that for Drew. All right, we're going to take ourselves a little break. Carlos Mencia is our guest tonight, Sam Comedian. We'll talk to Elizabeth when we come back. Who's pregnant by best friend's boyfriend. She wants to know if she should leave him alone or try to be with him. Oh, Dilemmas, Dilemmas, 18 years old. We'll be back after this. It's Loveline. I was waiting for that to happen. Dr. Bruce is here, the Jerry Lewis of emergency physicians. Carlos MNC is our guest tonight, very funny stand-up comedian. Done the Tonight Show, son of a bitch. I've never done that. Also done Comic Relief, something else I've never been asked to do. I have performed at the Ice House, but I certainly was not getting paid, and I was not booked an entire weekend over there. It was more open mic variety. But I am going to Aspen.
1:14:27🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
You've got to do some time, though, man. You've got to go up on stage and do some stuff.
1:14:31🔗
Adam
No, you know, I've done some stand-up, and I basically suck. I don't want to disappoint anybody, but I just suck.
1:14:44🔗
Adam
Oh, pretty good on Letterman? Yeah, actually, I was pretty good on Letterman. Thank you.
1:14:56🔗
Adam
I was so funny. I was on a year ago, and no one's asked me back, but now at least I have an excuse. All right, so what the hell are we talking about? Carlos, you can look forward to a CD coming out called Take Joke America, and that'll be in English and Spanish, and it's dedicated to its high school English teacher. Elizabeth?
1:16:06🔗
Um, she's mad at me.
1:16:12🔗
Adam
Yeah. That's what I love about really stupid women. They go right after the chick. That's what I love most about Springer. There's some skinny black guy, weighs about 115 pounds, sitting between two 400 pound white chicks. And they're going, you leave him alone. The black guy is just leaning back like laughing. And I'm thinking to myself, that's what I want.
1:16:31🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Of course. Think about the situation. I mean, you know, instead of getting mad at the guy and saying, you cheated on me, she goes to her friend and says, You're a whore. I can't believe you did this to me.
1:16:57🔗
Adam
Well, he's obviously a quality individual. I mean, I could see you wanting to hang on to that gem with both hands.
1:17:13🔗
Caller
The biggest concern is how to get him or whether or not. But you know, that really wasn't exactly moral or right or, and consequences of things that are not right or.
1:17:39🔗
Adam
Why? Because you're an unfit mother. You have a moral compass that is damaged, A, number one. B, number two, there's no father to raise this kid. And C, number three, I'm tired of paying 55% in taxes so I can raise all you idiots.
1:17:59🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Well, like the kid's not gonna have a father. Is your mom gonna help you raise the kid or something?
1:18:23🔗
He's in Arizona.
1:18:43🔗
Adam
Hey, Elizabeth, please do the courageous thing. Give the kid up for adoption. Do the first responsible move of your life and give the kid up for adoption. Get an education, get a career, start your life. Don't hook up with guys who have girlfriends and see if you can't sort of break this cycle that your family seems to be hell bent on. All right? Okay. Be courageous and do that. Would you please?
1:19:08🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Because if I know this doesn't sound right and I'm telling you, I have 11 sisters and six brothers.
1:19:14🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
I have 64 nephews and nieces. And I'm telling you this from experience. If you really love your child, if you really love what's inside, you understand that you're not going to be able to provide what a family of a mother and a father are going to provide. And if you really care about this kid, you know, give it up for adoption, not for any reason, but for the child. And you know what? Hopefully in 20 or 30 years, you'll be on some TV show and your kid will thank you for having done the right thing and they'll love you for it. And then you'll have a relationship with an older sibling or something like that.
1:19:53🔗
Adam
I can't believe 11 sisters and 64 nephews. What your dad must be like when you see him. He's like, hey, it's good to see you, Ernesto. Oswaldo, Jose, which one are you?
1:20:05🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
He does that. I swear to God. My mother, she'll go like this, Manuel, you stupid. And then I'll go, Carlos, yeah, whatever. You know what I mean? She'll do that all the time.
1:20:31🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
I was the only one, man. I was the only one that got reamed over there. It was the worst. I mean, it was the coolest experience in the worst at the same time. You have to understand, a city boy, you know what I mean? Growing up here, going over there to where all these other kids knew everything about living there and I knew Jack, you know what I mean? And after like a week, I'm getting infections that I've never heard of, getting bites of animals that I've never even seen in my entire life. Yeah, you know, a tick, like a little tick, for example, you know what I mean? It's the weirdest thing to one day go take a shower and you've got this like fat, nasty thing stuck to your body full of your blood, you know?
1:21:17🔗
Adam
Listen, I never been to Honduras, but I saw the movie Pepe On, and I know that ain't a place to hang out. They got spear-chuckers who like hunt you down in the jungle and shoot you with blowguns.
1:21:29🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
And here's where we lived. Somebody brought up the movie Predator.
1:21:33🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Predator was actually shot right, not too many, not too far from where my parents took me. So remember that jungle?
1:21:46🔗
Adam
I couldn't admit. It's like you're playing softball. You run the first base. A leopard jumps out of a tree.
1:21:54🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Exactly. It kills you. Yeah. It's the worst. Monkeys coming out of nowhere. Oh my God. Freaking. And it's like I remember one time, and I'd just been there for a while, and we're hanging out, and this older guy wakes up, and we're supposed to go to work, and he says, we're not going to go to work today. And I'm like, why, what's up? He said, I had a dream, and there was a tiger in the dream, and that means I'm supposed to go hunting right now for the tiger, so get ready. So he gives me a.22 rifle. Never shot a rifle in my life, right? I'm 13 years old, I'm out in the jungle, looking for a leopard or a puma or something, because he had a dream about it, I swear to God. And all of a sudden, I hear in Spanish, Doc, you stupid ass, and I hit the floor, and a gun goes off, and I hear him go, boom, boom, and I turn around, and he shot a leopard. Like his dream came true, and you know what I mean? And I don't know, I almost shot myself in the ass.
1:22:54🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
I couldn't imagine it. Imagine the peer pressure after that, you know what I mean? Like when I went back to the village, all the kids found out that I can't shoot a gun. So you know, I'm like the retard, you know, hey, I know what a Ford is, and I know what a Chevy is, and I know what a Malibu is, but hey, you don't know what a Puma, you don't know how to, so I'm like, I was like the stud of all studs here in school. I was badass, I was the man, and then I went over there and I was just like the stupid dumb idiot retard who knew nothing.
1:23:48🔗
Adam
You had some kind of yeast infection, is that what that is? A bladder infection, right there, Bruce?
1:23:59🔗
Caller
Okay. It, this is something you need to have checked out. And again, urinalysis, it's not a painful process to be checked out. Do you have access to a doctor?
1:24:34🔗
Adam
Shut up for a second, everybody. Anderson brings up a rare and good point. Look how long she's been on hold over here, Cassie. Do you see this number here? All right. What does that number say?
1:24:47🔗
Adam
120. She has been on hold for two goddamn hours. She doesn't have time to go down to Planned Parenthood and get herself checked out because she's now becoming sexually active. She just spent two hours listening to Carlos talk about Honduras.
1:25:01🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Right. She could have been at the doctor right now having that. And it could be something really simple like just a urinary tract traction.
1:25:10🔗
Adam
No, I don't want to talk to her. I look, I screw her. She's 15. I don't care. I don't have time for attitude problems. Wow.
1:25:36🔗
Adam
Oh, God. All right. We're going to take a break. I'm going to yell at Bruce. We'll be back after this.
1:26:19🔗
Adam
It's Loveline, I'm Adam, that is Dr. Bruce, Carlos Mencia is our guest of night. Snoop Dogg will be in here tomorrow night. Carlos is a funny stand up and a smart guy, which is nice.
1:26:37🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Yeah, yeah, smoke a blunt. That's going to be his answer to everything.
1:26:42🔗
Adam
Whack the hoe, I'm guessing it's going to come up more than once. Carlos has himself a website that I have not plugged yet tonight because I have not been aware of it up until now.
1:26:58🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
It's just carlosmencia.com, man. There's cool road stories and stuff like that, funky stuff in there. And you know, some lady getting arrested one day. A heckler, I actually had a heckler who heckled so much during the show that they called the police on her. But the show ended before, you know what I mean, the police got there, so she walked out in like a retard, she kept heckling outside. And the police told her, look, lady, get in your car and leave.
1:27:28🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
And she was like, you mother. And then they're like, if you open your mouth again, we're going to arrest you. And it was like click, click. And, you know, so some people took pictures of it, emailed it to me and I put on my website. And this big story about it's pretty cool. There's some cool stuff that's gone on.
1:27:43🔗
Adam
I'd love to hear that 911 call, by the way. Listen, we got a little emergency over here.
1:28:02🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
I swear to God. And you know there was a lady getting... And this was in El Paso, Texas.
1:28:08🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Because somebody was getting killed and buried across the border.
1:28:14🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
They don't mess around in El Paso. That's where they found all those dead people.
1:28:17🔗
Adam
Yeah, I can just see the cut. Herb, we got a chuckler. Let's roll. She's heckling. Where is she down? She's down at Slap Happy. Let's roll.
1:28:37🔗
Adam
This is pretty near and dear to me, Bob. I got a cousin who's in right now for heckling. So I really hate to see it. Kids get started early. They think it's okay. And then next thing you know, we're rolling on it.
1:28:49🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
I feel bad. I feel bad anytime there's a heckler. The person I feel bad for, usually it's a woman. I feel bad for the guy. Do you know what I mean?
1:28:56🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Yeah, because it's always, they've always got that look like, man, I can't believe this bitch is doing this to me again, kind of a look. And you just, and you don't want to pick on her because it's reflecting on him. But you kind of have to.
1:29:09🔗
Adam
And it's just like, Certain women should not be allowed to drink alcohol because I guarantee it was the booze that got her out of her shell.
1:29:20🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Yeah, you can tell she was drunk in the pictures. And they're not like the greatest pictures, but you can see like that kind of like dizzy looking thing.
1:29:45🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
Oh, Funny is Funny is a TV show that I used to host with comedians and stuff. It ran its course, man. It's nothing good, nothing bad. It's just like anything else, you know. Most things like that can't last forever because you run out of comics eventually. It's kind of what happens. It's not like this show where this show, it's not necessarily driven by comedians. You can have me and then Snoop and then whomever. It's more based on your calls. But when you're doing a stand-up show and you're bringing up stand-ups and it's called Funny is Funny and it's predominantly geared toward the Latino community and there are only a certain amount of Latino comics, you have to understand that as a host, you want to end it at a certain time because you start putting comics on that suck.
1:30:34🔗
Adam
Welcome to the Funny is Funny stage for the 14th time in 13 weeks. Carlos Oscar everybody, give it up for him. He's going to do his act he did last week. Marvin talks about being Mexican. Here we go now.
1:30:49🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
That's right. That's pretty much what happens. It ran its course. It's like I did a show called Local Slam, which were four episodes on HBO and everybody that saw that is like, why didn't you keep doing it? And it was like for the same reason. You know, we did four episodes. We had 16 comics. It was fun. But if it had gone any longer, it would have been like I would have introduced these guys. They would have performed. And I swear to God, I would have come on after and said, I apologize for that. And you can't do that during the TV show.
1:31:19🔗
And what's the new show going to be called?
1:31:20🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
But I got an HBO special, bro, coming out later on this year. And I don't know what it will be called. And the name of the show on ABC will probably be called Carlos. And the name of the album, which is out on the 5th of May. Go figure, a beaner's coming out with an album. It's released on Cinco de Mayo. But that's called America Take a Joke. So I'm out there, dude. What city are you in?
1:31:43🔗
Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce
I'm from LA. Oh, you're from LA.? I'm going to be in Pasadena this week, and I think it's 18 and over. And I'll be in Brea in a few weeks. Go to my website, carlosmencia.com, and it'll give you all the information.
1:32:01🔗
Yeah?
1:32:01🔗
Adam
You're 19, you get the Deproprivera shot, and you bleed after orgasm or heavy exercise.
1:32:10🔗
Caller
Breakthrough bleeding is characteristic of Deproprivera, so that's something to talk to your doctor about. It may be a problem that you can't correct.
1:32:35🔗
Adam
There's nothing. Listen, I never got laid until I shoved the Horn of Plenty down my shorty.
1:32:42🔗
Caller
A guy passed out, I won't say what country, but passed out in the bar, brought him in, cut his pants off and he had a salami attached to his leg.
1:33:05🔗
Adam
All right. Michelle, you're 19. You went out to keep a relationship for longer than two months.
1:33:12🔗
Caller
No, it's just like when I was growing up, I had a lot of problems, but basically I like dealt with it like I had a therapist and all that. Yeah. But now that it's resolved, I mean everything in my life other than that is going good.
1:33:24🔗
Caller
But it's like when it comes to having relationships, I have a hard time. All right. I just tend to cut them off.
1:33:31🔗
Adam
Okay. Michelle, you're 19. All bets are off. Here's the deal. At the six-week period, when you start feeling yourself doing whatever you did in the last relationship that started getting yourself some distance from the intimacy in the relationship, stop it. Here's the best way to stop everything that you do consistently as far as screwing up.
1:33:52🔗
Adam
Keep an eye on yourself. You'll have these feelings. Fight those feelings. You know what I'm saying? Your tendencies. All right.
1:34:11🔗
Caller
I have problems with depression, but I have a psychiatrist and that is all like, you know?
1:34:15🔗
Adam
Okay. Well, just keep doing your work in therapy. Take your meds and take it slow and don't freak yourself out. Believe me, at 19, all bets are off relationship-wise. You don't know that, but when you get to 35, and when I look back now at what I was thinking when I was 19, forget about it. All bets are off. Right. I'm a mess now. I'm 35. Are you kidding? I was a colossal mess at 19. All right. We're going to take a break. We'll be right back.
1:35:12🔗
Adam
All right, well, that is it. I want to thank Bruce for doing a great job tonight. Tell everyone Snoop Dogg will be in tomorrow night, and thank Carlos Mencia for coming in here. And just being a surprise and a delight. Had a good time and a real interesting guy, and check his stuff out at the Ice House this weekend or at carlosmencia.com. And I'll see you in Aspen there, Carlos.
1:35:42🔗
Adam
Well, until next time, it's Adam Crawford, Dr. Bruce, saying mahalo. All right, I'm giving you oral sex starting now, right?