0:16🔗
Adam
Hey, hey, it's the Loveline. I'm Adam Carolla. That is Dr. Drew. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-191, fax number 310-854-4455. Tonight, our guest, although he's not in here just quite yet, will be Andrew Dice Clay, who of course I've seen and heard for many years, but I've never met. Drew, you ever met him?
0:44🔗
Adam
Drew's been doing this show 12 years longer than I have, and a lot of people have rolled through here. Just about everybody, usually before they heated up.
0:56🔗
Adam
Yeah, okay. All right, Woody. Point is, is he'll be in here a little bit later on tonight. He's probably doing a gig or something, isn't he? Ann, where is he?
1:08🔗
I'm not sure. I just know he couldn't make it to 11.
1:10🔗
Adam
All right. Well, the Dice man will be in here later on. Now, Ann told me right before the show started that Adam Paskowitz from The Flies is on hold.
1:20🔗
Adam
Adam, we've had on the radio show and the TV show, most recently the TV show, just a couple of weeks ago, wasn't it? I like The Flies.
1:34🔗
Adam
What a family. Yeah. Dad's like Sean Connery on a peyote tab or something, just traveling around, fixing people out of a van. Adam surfing and holding tourniquets for his dad. So it's a really interesting story. But anyway, Adam has another interesting story and he called anyone to share it with us. Adam? Hello. Hi.
1:58🔗
How you guys?
1:59🔗
I'm doing fine.
2:01🔗
You want to hear something funny?
2:06🔗
By the way, hello to you.
2:10🔗
And I'm driving over there. I'm supposed to be at Westwood 1, which is where you guys do that thing. I'm making a big illegal U-turn. Wait, wait, wait.
2:17🔗
Just tonight. I had some other stuff I had to do over there for K-Rock here in LA.
2:23🔗
And so I'm making a U-turn, big illegal U-turn. And then I get pulled over by the cops.
2:31🔗
In Culver City.
2:37🔗
Anyway, so I get pulled over really badly. My license has expired, of course. I feel like, OK, I'm going to the river. The guy says to me, first crack. He's like, hey, you're the guy in the plies, right? I listened to you on the love lines, whatever. And he says, you know, tell Adam that, you know, the Culver City police are not so bad. And he goes on and I'm listening every night. So I said, OK, Neil, he said, Neil and Lance. And, you know, I'll let you off the hook. You can go away. And they were all like stoked. And I just talked to myself, Jesus Christ, my life has actually turned into like a television show. I was there with an underage girl. No, my license. All you know, it is like these guys were like, they were great, man.
3:27🔗
Adam
This is great. This show is like what that old KMA of four, three, six, seven license plate frame used to mean. Or whatever the hell that was. Remember that?
3:37🔗
Yeah, what was it?
3:41🔗
Adam
It was a license plate frame that cops and friends of cops or family members of cops would put on their car so the other guys could kind of know that that was so-and-so's wife or something like that. Then they told them to take it off because gang members were starting to shoot at those cars. But the new signal is friend to Loveline.
4:03🔗
I tell you, these guys right now, they're probably sitting in their car, drinking their coffee, listening to us.
4:12🔗
Adam
Hold on, Adam. Hold on, Drew. These guys aren't sitting in their car right now. I guarantee you. Don't want to chop. No. What are you kidding? They're probably involved in some kind of high-speed pursuit or something. These guys don't sit in their car and drink coffee.
4:31🔗
Adam
I was yelling about something. I don't know. But here's the problem. It's a weird job. It's one of the only jobs in the world where if you start bitching about something, cops will show up.
4:51🔗
Adam
They outnumber you. And I looked inside this guy's car. Not only do they have the sidearms and the shotguns, they have automatic weapons now. It is a full arsenal in there.
5:03🔗
Caller
These guys look very young. They were very nice. And they actually seem like they could be like guys that you would just see like walking down the street. But they have the brightest lights I've ever seen in my life.
5:14🔗
Adam
Yeah. Well, when you're stone and your pupils are dilated that way, all light seems, moonlight seems to hurt.
5:21🔗
Caller
No, no. But I just thought it was a hysterical story. I wanted to just call you. I just wanted to tell you. I didn't want to tell you on the air.
5:52🔗
Adam
Now I'm going to do a big donut out in the intersection when we leave tonight. Oh, I've not gotten. I got to tell you, you know how everyone complains about getting pulled over?
6:04🔗
Adam
And the black man's always complaining about getting pulled over. Everybody's complaining about getting pulled over. But they always break it down to a race or whatever. Let me tell you something. I used to get pulled over all the time. You want to know what gets pulled over all the time? Poor people. Poor people get pulled over all the time.
6:29🔗
Adam
Put it this way. Put it this way. When you see it, if you were a cop and you saw a car going down the street and they saw you and your $50,000 four door talking on your cell phone, when they pulled you over, what do you think they're going to find? You know what I mean?
6:48🔗
Adam
No. You know what I mean? I mean, three quarters of pulling people over is just to see what they got in the car. It's not all about traffic violations. You know what I'm saying? If you saw you in your expensive four doors car, in your pressed collars, sitting up straight, talking in your dictaphone with the opera music blaring, you pull you over, what do you think you're going to find? Some ammunition in the trunk, some heroin, perhaps a body.
7:20🔗
Adam
Nothing's going to be expired. Nothing's going to be overdue. There's not going to be any warrants. They pull you over. They're going to give you a ticket for a rolling right, or they're going to give you a warning, or whatever it is. But then you see some guy coming in, and the muffler's dragging, and there's a No Fat Chicks bumper sticker on the back window. And he's got a wire antenna. He's got a wire coat hanger where the antenna used to be. And the tabs are expired. You pull this guy over, you get the feeling he's probably drunk. Could be drunk. You know, there's 50-50 chance the guy's drunk. It's 2 in the morning, right? He's probably going to have a warrant out for him. We're probably going to find some weed in his car. Maybe we'll find a gun under his seat. I mean, that's just the way it goes.
8:13🔗
Adam
With warrants, yeah. I had a level, an aluminum level, dragging from my car for a couple of days once that one of the guys I work with tied a rope to my bumper and I dragged it around. But I used to get pulled over all the time, all the time. And it wasn't because of my race, although I'm telling you that I'm sure that's a factor too. I mean, not being white. I'm sure I would have got pulled over more if I was black. But all the people that complain, all you black people complain about getting pulled over, that I guarantee that Bill Cosby does not get pulled over that much. I guarantee you that Colin Powell does not get pulled over that much because they're driving a Mercedes and they're wearing driving gloves and a $700 sweater. People that get pulled over are poor people. And poor people drive beat up cars and poor people don't have insurance and poor people have warrants and poor people are drunk and poor people got a roach clip and poor people this and poor people that. That's where they that's who gets pulled over. Ever since I made a few bucks got a decent car got insurance everything I've been pulled over. I'm dying to get pulled over now. I got everything in order. You know what I mean? The irony is now that now that I'm really ready prepared to be pulled over, I don't get pulled over anymore.
9:30🔗
Adam
Yeah, but you drive 85, 90 miles an hour. You don't get pulled over near as much as you should for the speed that you drive. Drew drives so fast that he has to scrape the front of his car in the driveway when he pulls in and pulls out. He can't even slow down enough to do that.
9:48🔗
Adam
Yeah, but I'm like a panther. I got stealth going for me. I'm so freaked out about cops that I actually look in the rearview mirror more than I look straight ahead. My head is on a swivel. I'm like an NFL linebacker dropping back into his pass coverage. When I drive, it's just... I'm just like this. And if I see a car with a different color door on it or something because it's got Bondo on it, I immediately slow down. I mean, the first thing I trigger is cars with two tones, anything. A car with ski racks behind me. Seven miles behind me. I see some ski racks pull up, I slow down. So I just constantly look everywhere. I want to get one of those radar detectors too, but I never get pulled over. Stephanie?
10:34🔗
Yeah, hi.
10:36🔗
Caller
I'm calling because I really don't know where else to turn to for help. I'm still a virgin and this has really been bothering me lately. It's like I feel like everybody else I know is sleeping with their boyfriends and I'm just like...
10:51🔗
Drew
Maybe just having a boyfriend or somebody that really cared about you would sort of take the heat off as it were. You know, it sounds like you're just sort of jealous by the... about the closeness and the relationships and the things that other people are enjoying. No? Yeah.
11:06🔗
Caller
It's just... I don't know. It's like I am like hating myself about this. Like what's wrong with me, you know?
11:20🔗
Caller
Sort of. I mean, I've had the opportunity but not like very recently and not with anybody that I'd really want to.
11:33🔗
Adam
Nobody really gets to have sex with the people they want to. You just settle. That's about 90 percent of sex. Then even if you do get to have sex with the person you want to have sex with, three weeks into it, you don't really want to have sex with them either. So I don't know. Why is that? Well, you got a lot of tang when you were younger. You were good-looking, pre-med and all that kind of stuff. I always felt like I was settling. I'm sure they did too. Oh man. Man, do they feel like they're settling. But Stephanie, here's the bottom line. You get whatever you want. Not necessarily what you'd like, but what you deserve and want. I mean, what you go for. You know what I mean? I mean, if you don't have a boyfriend, ultimately it's because you don't want a boyfriend on some level.
12:30🔗
Adam
Yeah, but it's almost like, it's almost like, you know, like saying, I want a dog. But two years goes by, you don't get a dog. And then you always have a reason. I'm not around. I can't this. But ultimately, if you really wanted a dog, you'd go get one. You'd go get a boyfriend if you really wanted one.
12:47🔗
Caller
But I'm not like one of those people that just... I'm not very outgoing and I don't meet people easily. So, I don't know. It's hard for me to meet boys. I never know what to say to them.
12:56🔗
Drew
All right. That's... You have a place to start anyway. You know what the problem is. You need to meet more people. Are you at school now?
13:15🔗
Drew
I mean, if you go away to college, you're sort of thrown into a community. You become a member of that community as opposed to a school you commute to.
13:21🔗
Adam
Oh, Drew, you don't know how good you had it. College is really sex camp with books. That's what they really ought to call college, sex camp. I mean, what a difference. I mean, there's a big difference between you turning 18 and going to work, you turning 18 and living at home, and going to junior college, riding your Schwinn apple crate down the street to the junior college, and you just shipping off and going to Boston or going to New York or going to Iowa or going wherever.
13:50🔗
Drew
College tours, and each one just expresses intense envy at what these kids had that he didn't have.
14:00🔗
Adam
Yeah. I tell them it's like a, what do I call it? College is like a brothel with a bell tower and a football team.
14:16🔗
Adam
I swear to God, we travel around, we go to these colleges, Drew and sometimes me want to go work out because we've been on the road and we're getting a little frayed around the edges. We want to go pump some iron or jog or do something like that. In these places, every one of these colleges we go to, even these little colleges like Drake, I mean, there is two basketball courts for every kid who goes to Drake. I mean, they have these multi-million dollar facilities. They're amazing state-of-the-art weight equipment, indoor hoops, hardwood floors. I mean, Olympic swimming pools, completely at their disposal. I'm telling you that the Denver Broncos don't have that kind of training facility. It is absolutely amazing.
15:16🔗
Hello.
15:32🔗
Adam
You're going to make a great uncle one day. Picture Mike when he really hits his bad. People don't hit their bad comedic stride until they get into their late 40s, early 50s, you know? They tell you the same joke year after year and laugh their ass off.
15:52🔗
Caller
Well, basically what I guess what it is, is just like I go, I mean, I go out to parties, stuff like that. I go off my friends. I mean, I talk to women, nothing weird about me, too weird, except my bad humor. And it's like, I meet these girls. I'm a nice guy and everything. That's what they all say. Good person to be friends with. But if I ever want to try to go out with them or anything like, oh, no, I can't do that. You're too nice. You're just a friend. I mean, basically, I'm trying to figure out is, is like, if there's anything I'm like putting out, or is it them, or what the hell is going on?
16:46🔗
Adam
Yeah, that's pretty slick. Discus. Yeah, I don't even think we could afford a discus. We took a, you know what we did? We took a fridge, we filled it with cement.
16:55🔗
Adam
Yeah. Discus, it seems like a high school kid could hurt somebody with one of those things, you know?
17:03🔗
Adam
Yeah, it's like you have a bong load the night before, now you're spinning and spinning and spinning and you launch that thing. I mean, you can launch that thing right into the bleachers. All right.
17:24🔗
Adam
Yeah. Let me tell you the two things that will kill you in high school when it comes to the trim. I had both these things working against me. Husky, sense of humor. I don't know what it is. You know, people, chicks always talk about the guys on the football team. Maybe the wide outs, the D.B.s and the quarterbacks, perhaps the flankers, the guys in the skills positions. You show me a guy's 5'11, 245 in the 11th grade. I'm going to show you a guy who's playing guard or something. He ain't getting light. No way. No way Vince DiGiacomo was getting any trim. Huge calves on that guy.
18:22🔗
Drew
But there's something up. I mean, there's something up here with the way he presents himself, who he's choosing to go after, how he approaches him.
18:36🔗
Adam
Yeah, don't talk. Try to sulk. Women like, especially in high school, they like it when guys sulk.
18:49🔗
Adam
All right, listen, I'm going to tell you what I wish someone would have told me. You need to A, lower your aim a little bit. Your aim a little too high. There's chicks out there. You know there's some who will go out with you. You're not interested in them. You want to go out with Tammy. Forget about her. You got to aim down toward the dirt. You got to get started somewhere. You understand? Mike, what did you do? Mike, you there? Yeah, it's like a first job. Everyone wants to be a partner in a law firm or something, but the problem is you're 14 and you're stupid. So what do you do? You go to McDonald's. Yes, you got to start dating the Grimace, or Mer McCheese or something. You understand? You need to start dating. That's what you need to do. So aim down a little bit. Don't disgust yourself. Just aim down a little bit. And I'd say slender up. You got to drop a few pounds. Chicks, they don't like husky guys, not younger chicks.
19:49🔗
Drew
Don't graduate into friend position immediately. Go first make yourself clear on what your intention is with that person. They like to see somebody who presents himself assertively.
20:04🔗
Adam
Once you've established yourself as a good looking skinny guy, you know, like John Travolta, then you can balloon up later on. As long as you got some money in your wallet and a few airplanes and stuff like that, they'll go with you. But you can't just be husky. Drew, do you know what I'm saying? I was thinking about it. When I was in high school, the guys that were getting laid, and in junior high, by the way, were the sort of...
20:27🔗
Adam
Growing up in the Valley. Were the spindly guys. You know, the kind of guys they... I mean, 5'8, 5'9, you know, 1'35, 1'45. Guys that you'd kind of consider wimpy, but they were the guys who were getting it all. They were like kind of midgets.
20:48🔗
Adam
Yeah. Was it that way with you? I mean, not you, but do you remember the guy who got the most trim in your high school other than you?
21:00🔗
Adam
You didn't... Ascotts and everything were getting in the way. That was your high school, wasn't it? What? Do you remember your fight song or anything like that?
21:24🔗
Adam
From the valley, from the valley... Our, the North Hollywood high fight song was just a rip off of the Marines.
21:32🔗
Drew
Ours was Lord Jeffery Amherst was a soldier of the Queen and he came from across the sea. Then the chorus was, Oh, Amherst, brave Amherst.
21:52🔗
Adam
For Christ's sake. Can you imagine when your team, the Lord Jeffs, was going up against a team called like the Badgers or something, how you'd just get your ass kicked? Could you imagine? What was, did you have a mascot? It was a guy in a powdered wig, right?
22:10🔗
Adam
It wasn't some skinny kid in like a, wearing a judge's robe in a powdered wig, carrying like a scrawl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have a list of demands we'd like to ask from the opposing team. One is that we beat you soundly.
22:43🔗
Adam
All right. Hey, maybe they'll name a college after these guys that let the anthrax go in the subway over in China or Japan or wherever the hell that was. Yeah, that's good. I'm going to try something like that. All right, Andrew Dice Clay is going to be in here a little bit later tonight. We're going to go to break. Before we go to break, we'll say that Clint over here is 19, is engaged to a woman, but fears his attraction to men will come back to haunt him.
23:11🔗
Adam
Yep. Okay, Clint. Man, a few words. All right, hang on, Clint. We'll be back to straighten your life out after this.
23:19🔗
Loveline's phone number is 1-800-LOVE-191. Loveline, with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew, we'll be right back.
23:53🔗
Adam
Hey, Loveline, just looking at Andrew Dice Clay's bio off the internet here. Surprised to see that he was an episode of Saturday Night Live in 1975. Yeah. What is that?
24:15🔗
Why? All right. Well, the first date is the year that the show debuted and then his actual air date when he hosted was listed later on there.
24:24🔗
Adam
Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. I was looking at the other date. That's why I was curious. All right. We've done enough rationalizing. That was 1990. He was also on in MAA. He was also on an episode of MAASH in 1982. Isn't that weird? You're pretty sure Andrew Dice Clay and MAASH. Hey, FU. Clinger. All right. And different strokes. Now that I could picture. Anyway, he's got a new comedy album and he's going to come in here and talk about it. Coming up real soon. Till then, Clint.
24:59🔗
Yeah.
25:07🔗
Caller
Yeah. Well, I'm bisexual. I've known that for about three years. And I'm worried that that's going to come back and screw up my marriage or my relationship with my.
25:24🔗
Caller
Well, I don't know. I met this girl about a year and a half ago. We moved in together after about two months of knowing each other and have lived together ever since.
25:52🔗
Caller
I don't know. It's just the way I feel. It's just sexual attraction more than more than maybe he's gay and just trying to live.
26:18🔗
Drew
You sure you're not gay and that you're just trying to cling to a homosexual, heterosexual lifestyle?
26:28🔗
Adam
Everyone's attracted to women. I mean, women are attracted to women. Heterosexual women are into women. I don't know. You're 19.
26:38🔗
Drew
I mean, if you're bisexual and you've decided to commit yourself to a woman, then what's the big deal? Well, you've committed to a monogamous relationship. I mean, that's like worrying when you're heterosexual that, oh my god, my attractions to other women are going to overwhelm me and I'm going to go have an affair. That means you can't commit. Right. You don't have the capacity for intimacy and commitment.
27:13🔗
Drew
But as opposed to you having a real intense desire for same-sex that you're... that you really... your primary orientation that you're trying to cover with a mild attraction for women that you are afraid is going to eventually surface and overwhelm you and make you unhappy.
27:34🔗
Drew
No, I do. I do buy it, but not without a history. And if he were bi, then he would just say, well, now I'm bisexual, but I'm in a committed relationship.
27:43🔗
Adam
Not only do we not believe bi, we don't buy-buy, and we think bisexuality is saying bi to heterosexuality and hello to homo. That's what the bi stands for. I don't know how they spell it, but it's... how do you spell bi like that, buy-buy?
27:59🔗
Adam
How do you do that bi? Is it B-Y-E? Yeah, bi. That's how they should spell it. Bye-bye. Bye, ladies. See ya.
28:16🔗
Caller
My dad, Kevin and my mom live together. They are Jehovah's Witnesses. So I am not, and we don't have a relationship.
28:48🔗
Adam
Oh, wait until he finds out. He's going to kick Jehovah right in the nuts. All right, Clint, do not get married. Do not get married for a whole host of reasons.
29:25🔗
Adam
Turns out, I didn't speak English. I'm really, I'm really getting worn out. This may be it.
29:35🔗
Drew
I'm not so sure that's the way to go in. I'm not so sure your girlfriend's going to go in.
29:38🔗
What is the problem?
29:44🔗
Get over it. She's awesome.
29:47🔗
Adam
It has nothing to do with her. The whole marriage thing has nothing to do with my girlfriend. It really doesn't.
29:54🔗
Adam
It just, it's got nothing to do with that. Yeah. I don't know, I know it sounds like the worst thing in the world. See, here's what you women think. You think that you are supposed to be special enough to get us interested in this. Do you know what I'm saying?
30:16🔗
Drew
It's much more about where the guy's at in relation to his life, his career and marriage in general.
30:20🔗
Adam
There's a handful of guys out there that want to get married. I don't trust them, but there's a handful of them out there. They get married right out of high school. Sometimes they get married three or four times. There's guys that just really love to get married.
30:33🔗
Okay, but what is the problem with you?
30:36🔗
Adam
My, what is my marriage problem? Well, A, I never saw myself as a guy who's getting married. I just never did.
30:45🔗
Is that because of your own family life?
30:50🔗
Of a happy relationship, yeah.
30:54🔗
Adam
Oh, yeah. My parents were, I mean, they weren't, you know, raging alcoholics beating the crap out of each other or whatever. But they got divorced when I, I must have been about eight. And they wouldn't talk to each other for 15 or 20 years. Maybe, maybe just, just recently, I think when my sister got married, is when they started talking to each other. So the whole thing just seemed like, just seemed like a bad plan. It really did. And then the other thing was, is I figured, hey, I'm going to be a celebrity and I'll get all kinds of chicks.
31:27🔗
Adam
You know? I mean, you know, listen, half the reason guys start bands or start doing stand up or start doing whatever so they can get some trim.
31:35🔗
Initially, I'm sure that's cool. Yeah. It's got to wear thin.
31:39🔗
Adam
I mean, not for me it hasn't. I haven't done it yet. Now, I kind of have this feeling like.
31:44🔗
Because you've been in a relationship.
31:46🔗
Now, in order to have stayed in this relationship, there must have been something there to stay for. Because I know you've been propositioned. I know you've had every opportunity.
31:55🔗
Adam
Well, I know. Well, of course, you know. It was at the Acoustic Christmas when Ann had too many Chardonnays. It hit me up in front of the ladies' bathroom. She just went, please, just one pound of oral sex.
32:07🔗
I was begging him, begging him.
32:19🔗
And there's got to be a reason for that.
32:25🔗
That's not going to happen.
32:26🔗
Adam
Listen, Ann, you know how women oftentimes want to get married in an almost irrational way?
32:35🔗
Adam
I mean, it's bigger than maybe it should be. It's faster than maybe it should be. It's quicker than it should be.
32:41🔗
Adam
As much momentum as some women have toward the marriage, I have that same energy about not getting married.
32:50🔗
You're my stern but groovy master, Adam.
32:56🔗
Yeah, but this is not fair for her.
33:03🔗
But you gotta go into it knowing that this is something you want to be in.
33:10🔗
Drew
Understand that. He doesn't want to be married. That is God's truth, no matter who it is.
33:15🔗
Well, if there's anybody who's perfect for this guy, it's her.
33:17🔗
Drew
No, no. I know that. I understand that. But I'm trying to defend this sort of effed up male perspective that some guys get, which is marriage equals death. Yeah. Well, she should run, then. No, no. A lot of guys- No, there are a lot of guys. It doesn't actually- That's not actually what they feel when they're in it, but that's their perception of what's gonna happen to them.
33:35🔗
Adam
That's right. Well, here's the deal, though. Here's what I was saying to the Shrink. And I swear to God, I'm starting to believe my own rhetoric now. I don't want to get married. But you know what? There's a ton of ass I don't want to do. A ton. There's just a ton of stuff I don't want to do. And people tell me to do it, I do it, I turn out to be happy that I did it. It's like the dentist. I know acquainting marriage to the dentist is horrible. I wish I could come up with something better than the dentist.
34:13🔗
So what do you think he should do, Drew?
34:19🔗
Drew
I can't answer. I think he's got to get over this. He's got to realize what an empty load of crap this image is about marriage. It's not reality. You have to get over that so you can see clearly what you want to do.
34:29🔗
And how's the best way to do that?
34:31🔗
Adam
Well, you've got to keep Drew's wife away from me. That's wonderful. My wife, my wife, each half hour I spend with you and your wife adds six months.
34:40🔗
Adam
Oh, Jimmy's wife. Jesus Christ. That's another good reason. I need some better examples. Got to find someone who's happy. I hang around with you and Doug, Ann. Yeah, we're happy. I'm happy, too. You're miserable. You just don't know it.
34:54🔗
Adam
All right. Here's the deal, Ann. Here's what I'm starting to come to. If I'm left on my own, I'll never get married. I just don't think I ever would. It's just not something I would do. But I understand there are many things in life I'm wrong about, and many things that are good for me that I don't want to do. I don't want to go to the shrink, I don't want to go to the dentist, I don't want to get my car smog checked, I don't want to do a thousand things. I don't want to exercise. But you know what? I feel better when I'm done. And I realize it's a better life, a more fulfilling life. So there you go. I'm thinking about marriage like exercise. That's something you want to do. But you're glad when you're done, right?
35:40🔗
Yes?
35:42🔗
Caller
Hello, yes. Actually, I called last night after I heard the 19-year-old bodybuilder talk about his heroin addiction and it was... I talked to your screener about... It's a point of view, being on the outside but being first-hand experiences what it's done to people. I've lost two friends this year.
36:28🔗
Caller
No, actually that was pretty much his eventual choice of a drug. Yeah. Out of these two people just this year alone, what these people don't see, and like this guy was talking about last night, it's like, well, my parents are going to kick me out.
36:45🔗
Caller
Well, it kind of gets to the point where the people that are close to you are like, so, tough luck. We've given you enough chances. We're sorry, but if you're not going to help yourselves, you're not going to drag us down.
36:57🔗
Drew
Well, but that's what gets the people into recovery, is if they lose enough, finally it breaks through their denial. The problem is the people that are close to addicts keep propping them up and keeping them pieced back together and keep them going and allow them to continue using. So, what I usually tell people that are involved with addicts is insofar as they're in the disease, you're gone. You can't be a part of their life. You must be another part of the loss that they accumulate. But if they turn towards recovery, come on in, support them, whatever they need, be a part of it.
37:28🔗
Caller
But yeah, they have to stick with it. I mean, that's the big thing. If they're serious, I mean, it's just such a screwed up truck to begin with. And what I've seen, I mean, my first experience was when I got to know my dad again at the age of 11. He took me into Oakland and said, oh, I'll be back in five minutes. There's a gun underneath the seat if somebody comes up. Oh my God. And I was just, I'm sitting there, I'm like, okay, this is exactly why people don't talk about my dad. And then again, when I was 16, I went to live with him for a very short period of time before I just hightailed it out of there. He did it in front of me a couple of times to show me, this is why you should never do this. And it's just sad, basically, my grandmother enabled him, kept bailing him out, my grandfather just finally gave up, kept his mouth shut. One of my friends that died this year, he had just gotten out of detox. He wanted to load up one more time. They found his body in the back of a pickup a week after he was supposed to check into a halfway house, a block and a half away from the halfway house.
38:45🔗
Caller
Nope. That's good. Actually, this year, just with this stuff happening, I've just totally quit drinking, don't touch anything. I've just pretty much had it, even though it was like a fun social kind of thing.
38:58🔗
Drew
Well, it's interesting, you're clearly not an addict, but even though you're not an addict, you've certainly kept a lot of these addicts in your life.
39:04🔗
Drew
It's interesting that having had that with your dad, you certainly gravitate to these people.
39:15🔗
Adam
You're lucky you got those kids. Take care of those kids. Hey, James. We're running late for a commercial and the Dice Man has come in.
39:33🔗
Adam
Good, good, good. All right. Andrew Dice Clay is here. Andrew Dice Clay will be here. We'll take a break and we'll talk to him after this.
39:39🔗
Loveline, be right back in a minute.
40:09🔗
Adam
Hey, it's Loveline. We're back. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1, fax number 310-8-5-4-44-55. Andrew Dice Clay is here. Andrew's got a new CD set that's available. I'll give the number out. You can get it by calling this number, 1-800-711-4499, or you can get it over the Internet, www.dicemanrules, which is one word, .com. It's a three CD set.
40:54🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
You know, I tell you, it's good to be here. You know, I've been listening to your show.
41:22🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
Yeah, because I go back there a lot and I perform and, you know, it's good to have like just your own place.
41:34🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
We're doing sitcom, I'm telling you, showing up to the same crap house every day.
41:42🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
No, but it's, you know, even though it's a different place, a different show and not every place, you don't go every day.
42:07🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
Let's go to the bottom line. I get the most out of it creatively and you make a great living. When you do a sitcom, it's showing up to the same place every day.
42:29🔗
Adam
And do you usually work it all out on the road while you're performing? Yeah, that's the rehearsals. Or do you sit down and create 45 minutes?
42:37🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
No, you can't do that. I can't do that. I have to be on stage. This whole album was on stage every night. Just coming up with it and coming up with it. It's hard to keep creating filth.
42:52🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
Until you walk out in the street and see these little filthy animals walking around all licked up.
42:57🔗
Adam
But when you do an album like this, do you do it at many different locations over a period of time and put it together?
43:20🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
You know, I like to repeat things just in case they didn't get it the first time.
43:23🔗
Adam
The number one and three CD are exactly the same, but it's still a three CD set, technically.
43:28🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
No, like, there are certain bits on the album. Like, this is the bonus track CD, right?
43:32🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
This one. Now, the first CD, which is the double CD, there were certain bits I loved so much. Here, like, give me this a minute. Like, on this, you have Little House Unplugged. Okay? Now, there's a bit on the first album called Dice Reviews Little House, meaning Little House on the Prairie.
43:52🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
And it's such a filthy, dirty bit and so funny that there was a night I did it another way, so I gave him the Little House Unplugged.
44:04🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
See, that's another thing with me. I don't need people. I don't need an audience.
44:20🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
I really don't care. You know, as long as I'm performing. Like if you two guys were in the comedy store or Laugh Factory sitting there, I would give as much as- I would walk off the stage drenched, as long as you guys were having a good time.
44:38🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
No, I'm telling you, sir, I would come off that stage, and there were nights over at the comedy store. I'd go on stage. There was one particular night. There was two people in the audience, and the club manager or something said, we're going to close the club, because unless there's eight people or more, I said, I want to go on. I have work to do. I was preparing it. By the time I came off, there were more people in the room, maybe six. But I was up there for an hour and a half, and I came off drenched like I did a concert for 5,000 people.
45:09🔗
Adam
Now, let me ask you this because I've done a little bit of stand-up. I never enjoyed it, and my theory was no one really enjoys it, but some people need to do it. I mean, I don't know, almost like working out or something.
45:23🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
When I leave my house every day, I know it's going to be different. People are props.
45:30🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
You know, it's a constant show, constant theater, wherever I go. If I'm going into the store to buy a pack of cigarettes, it's not, can I get a pack of cigarettes? It's a show. And it just turns into something.
45:51🔗
Yeah, I would.
45:53🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
Yeah, I need that outlet. I wish I had that. You know, I'm an angry guy in a lot of ways.
46:01🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
I think everybody's got a lot of anger in them, though. And I'm just talking day to day anger, you know, just traveling around.
46:07🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
Just coming here and not being able to find the frigging place, I was starting to get very angry.
46:11🔗
Adam
Yeah. Only lunatics can find this place. The guests can't find it, the crazed fans with the...
46:22🔗
Adam
With autographs can find the place. It's funny. I don't know what that is. Somehow lunatics have a better sense of direction. God took away their sense, but they gave them a compass.
46:39🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
It's your show. Do what makes you happy. I'm just here, you know, to hang with you. You're a doctor, huh?
46:50🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
Dealing with people, you couldn't care less if they live or die, but you got to act nice. Tell me that doesn't take patience.
47:04🔗
Oh.
47:19🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
I've gone to that kind of doctor. I can't say how I would say it. You know, the glutamate maxima specialist.
47:32🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
It's a lot of laughs. Let me tell you something. You've got to think about other things.
47:37🔗
Adam
All right. We are going to take a break. We are going to come back. We are going to hear something off of Dice's new CDs. And we are going to take some calls. And we will do all that after this. Hey, it's The Love Line. We're going to take a quick ten-second top of the hour affiliate station identification. We'll be back with more Love Line in ten seconds.
48:49🔗
Drew
I just spilled this all over my face. Face is on fire. It's kind of day ahead. I was trying to make a milkshake for my kids tonight. You know, the ice cream doesn't go down, you push it down with something?
49:01🔗
Adam
Yeah, I've tried to make about three milkshakes in my life, and I always think it's going to be brilliant. It usually sucks, and then each time I think, you know what, these things should cost 40, 50 bucks. They really should. I got $35 worth of ice cream and fudge in this thing, and it tastes like crap. I can't figure out how to do it, but one tip I did learn is get that malted, get the malted powder, not the chocolate powder, but the malted powder.
49:26🔗
Adam
All right. Andrew Dice Clay is here. Filth is the name of the three CD set. You want to go ahead and sing that number, Andrew?
49:47🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
I said eight hundred, seven eleven, four four nine nine. It falls apart the second time around.
49:53🔗
Adam
There's a bonus track on the CD, which is Andrew singing the number, by the way. Also, you can get it over the Internet at www.dicemanrules.com. And again, Diceman Rules, one word. We're going to hear something off of that. I think we'll take a phone call and we'll hear something off. That sounds perfect. Where do you want to go?
50:14🔗
Hey, Adam. Hey, Drew.
50:17🔗
Hi, Andrew.
50:20🔗
Good.
50:23🔗
Caller
Yes, I have a slight problem where I'm really interested in this guy who threw another friend who has put his interest through me. But the only problem is that his two younger brothers are also interested in me. And I just am totally confused at how they go about like dealing with this.
50:59🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
Look, you're 19. Pick the three of them off and move on with your life. You got a whole life in front of you.
51:10🔗
Caller
But that's the problem. The middle one is the one that I met first and he's like the loudest. And he's kind of like telling his brother to back off. And his brother, I don't know like whether it's like loyalty to his brother or whatever, kind of is confused on what to do.
51:29🔗
Adam
Absolutely. You know, we deal with this all the time. People with their excuses where she said she just needs some time. She wants to find herself.
51:39🔗
Adam
She says there's a thousand answers you get when it comes to going out. But the bottom line is, is if someone wants to go out with someone, they go out with them.
51:52🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
She wants to walk around the house in a little G-string and tease the three of them. This is why they all like her. That's what goes on in life.
51:57🔗
Adam
Especially your younger brothers. Could you imagine your younger brothers dictating this?
52:02🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
Look, sister, how old's the youngest? He's eighteen. Come on. There's no stopping a guy like that without his hands.
52:24🔗
Caller
No, he's completely into it, but the middle kid is starting trouble. He'll tell his brother to go pick up something and then turn around and start talking to me.
52:38🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
Like his socks? What kind of conversation are you going to have in between him picking up his socks?
52:52🔗
Adam
Stacey, the guy likes you, the twenty-one-year-old, right? All right, tell him to tell his brother, tell him to yank on his brother's leash a little bit and rein him in. Yeah. All right?
53:26🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
Because you were a little licked up and sloppy and walking around, and you know, you had the guy on, right?
53:46🔗
Adam
Listen, when I was 19, all women had their faculties. You know, no one ever did anything they didn't want to do, or anything I didn't talk them into.
53:58🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
Don't be a slob for the whole family. Be a slob for me. Oh, yes. You see what I mean?
54:08🔗
Drew
But there's something more going on with Stacey, something, and you were kind of picking up on it, though. She was into sort of having all three of the guys.
54:13🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
She was into it, and she's only 19 years old, and that disgusts me. You know, 19 years old, and look what they're doing already.
54:28🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
That's why guys are walking around and their pants are just full of venereal warts. Sleeping with the whole family. It's disgusting.
54:40🔗
Hi.
54:42🔗
Nothing much.
54:48🔗
Los Angeles.
54:51🔗
Um, I saw you guys on the Hollywood Squares. Were you guys okay up there?
54:59🔗
Yeah, were you guys okay up there? I could see the girl extra like, why nobody picking me?
55:05🔗
Adam
Yeah. They stuffed us both into the same box. It was humiliating. It was really like they're conducting some sort of experiment in pride.
55:19🔗
Adam
If they're, I swear to God, if there could have been a tenth box in the green room, they would have put us in that God damn box. I swear to God, they put us in the box that no one ever asked, no one ever asked. My grandmother said, Yeah, I saw you on Hollywood Squares. How was it? So you didn't say anything. Well, I think you'd said something, but it was unsolicited. She said, I yelled something out in the middle of someone else's answer or something. That was pretty pathetic. But the food was good and they gave us a bathrobe and a CD player. Athena?
55:48🔗
Yeah?
55:51🔗
My boyfriend, like he talks about me and he calls me, said he hits me.
55:59🔗
No, that's just me. I breathe. I have a cold.
56:18🔗
Oh, 13.
56:28🔗
No.
56:31🔗
My mother did, but my father was never around.
56:33🔗
Drew
But Athena, you understand that big people should never hit little people. Boys should never hit girls. It's the fact that you're beaten as a child that leads you to believe this kind of thing is okay. Dice is right. You call the police to get this guy taken away. This is not somebody who loves you. This is a disturbance.
56:49🔗
He always says sorry.
56:54🔗
Yeah.
57:04🔗
Drew
Don't get started with guys like this. It was not right for your mom to hit you. It disturbs how you think about your relationships and it causes you to pick guys like this and to think that their behavior is okay. It's not okay.
57:16🔗
Okay.
57:23🔗
Mom.
57:25🔗
Yeah.
57:28🔗
My little sister probably picked up the phone.
57:31🔗
Eight.
57:32🔗
Adam
All right. Keep an eye on her because if mom's whooping her, she's going to get hooked up with this guy's younger brother.
57:40🔗
Adam
I'm telling you, don't get involved with this. Don't go this way. You know, I wish we talked to so many screwed up girls on this show. And I feel more for them because they end up getting knocked up and the guy leaves and they have a bunch of kids and then...
57:57🔗
Adam
Right. Yeah. I'm sure her dad's not around and I'm sure the same thing happened to her mom. Someone beat on her. Now she's beating on Athena. But they get... they're just like... we talk to them sometimes when they're right at the crossroads. They're going out with some guy. He's too old for them. He's abusive. He's this and he's that.
58:15🔗
Adam
Yeah. By the time you're 19 and you've had five of these guys, that's it. That's it. You're just a statistic. But at 13, if you could muster the strength and the courage to say, hey, I don't go for this. This is not the way my life's going to go. Get out of here. I don't want to see you again. If I see you around the house, I'm calling the cops. It could be such a breakthrough. And I hope Athena has the strength and the courage to do that.
58:43🔗
Hey, what's up, Adam? What's up, Drew?
58:49🔗
Caller
I had a couple of questions. I'm a big fan of yours. I saw you back when you did the Metallica and Guns N Roses show out at the Rose Bowl. That was a good one. And I wanted to ask you kind of about your career and how much of the Diceman is that a character? Because I know for a while you did that. You did a sitcom or something where you weren't, you know, Andrew Dice Clay, you were.
59:10🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
That was a part I had to play, you know. Right. That was a whole network thing. But when I perform, you know, that's my performance style.
59:21🔗
Caller
No, I'm just wondering, I mean, because obviously, I mean, you don't you don't wear the leather jacket and do the, you know, Jack and Jill.
59:33🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
I mean, I don't walk around the house going Jack and Jill, you know, but on me, what happened?
59:51🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
Actually, this guy that you're going to be here and talks about that, that concert, you could just play it.
59:59🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
No, this was a guy that was supposed to play this place on the East Coast, and he kept calling there, and they started recording him because they wanted to like catch him. So we just put it on the album.
1:00:28🔗
Caller
Hi, this is Cleff MacGyver again. And I'd like to, I still haven't done it. I'd like to order those Dice Clay tickets.
1:00:51🔗
Caller
Okay, what I would like to take it for is Wednesday night. The reason why I'm picking Wednesday night is because they don't have a busy day at work on Thursdays. And if I were to work Thursday, I wouldn't be able to get up for Friday. So what I'm going to do is work all day Wednesday, go to the show Wednesday night and not really have to worry about getting up early to go to work on Thursday. If I would have to go to work on Thursday, then what I would have to do then is worry about getting up early and going to work on Friday. If I don't finish a job on Friday, that means it pushes me up to Saturday and I got to work Saturday. I don't finish Saturday, we go into Sunday. So what I think the best thing to do here is for me to go to the Wednesday night show.
1:01:23🔗
Caller
Okay, would you like dinner? Would I like dinner? Would you like dinner with the show?
1:01:27🔗
Caller
Well, okay, well, I was going to kind of get McDonald's on my way down. I'm going to put my tickets on a credit card. You guys do take credit cards, right?
1:01:35🔗
Caller
I couldn't believe it. American Express turned me down for a card. MasterCard turns me down for a card. Visa gives me the card. They give me a card with a $45 credit limit. These other companies turn me down. Visa picks me up. I don't understand this. But anyway, I have a Visa card. It's not gold, it's not platinum. It's just a regular Visa card, which actually I'm pretty happy about because the interest rate on that card was about 2% lower than the other cards. The American Express, I'd have to pay back all at once.
1:02:04🔗
Caller
The Visa was, I think, $14.2%. So my best bet there was to get a Visa card. So what I will be doing is putting the Visa, my tickets on the Visa card. Okay, so what tickets do you have available?
1:02:27🔗
Caller
Okay, well the only way, excuse me, sir. Sir, I'm sorry. The only way you can sit up front, which I could promise you that, is to have dinner here. Because if the dining area does get priority seating.
1:02:36🔗
Caller
Okay, but if I can sit up in the front, then maybe Mr. Clay can, you know, notice me. He'll start to make fun of me. He'll insult me. He'll say things about me. Because you know, I am his biggest fan. I saw him in Madison Square Garden. I saw him when he was in the Meadowlands. I traveled there. Well, if you have dinner, I said, excuse me, sir. Uh-huh. Excuse me, sir. Dice came on.
1:02:58🔗
Caller
After Dice was over, I left. I mean, I like Guns N Roses, and I think they're a great band. I think Axl Rose is a great guy. But I really went to see Dice Clay. So, you know, I've seen him all over the country.
1:03:25🔗
Caller
First-come, first-serve basis. Okay, so if I get down early enough and I'm first online, they'll put me up front? You won't... You will be... Well, because, you know, if I do sit up front, I can help you with the home.
1:03:37🔗
Caller
You know, for Christmas, he has a new album coming out? For Christmas, yeah, he does. He has a new album coming out.
1:03:45🔗
Caller
I got a bootleg copy of it. I know all the new poems. I know all the new material. I know everything. I know everything. Everything. Do you know what the biggest word on the album is?
1:04:25🔗
Caller
Don't push me, Ace! No! Now, let's order the tickets. I have a Visa card, I want to put the tickets on. Why do you keep insisting on talking over me? I am getting upset. I want two tickets.
1:05:00🔗
Adam
And I'm sure he's aware. I mean, here's the thing that's funny. You were recording him, but he had no way of knowing that.
1:05:09🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
No, no. What happened is the club was trying to track this guy because he made a bunch of calls there and he just didn't stop. He was just out of his mind. So I said, what great material for the album.
1:05:35🔗
Adam
Now, the guy, if he's as big a fan as he says he is, he's probably got the 3 CD set, right?
1:06:11🔗
Drew
But there, I mean, people that that is a makes it clearer the kind of problems we have in interacting with our callers. That's the quality of lack of communication.
1:06:24🔗
Adam
That is. Let me give a quick plug, by the way. That is the beginning of the first CD. It is a three CD set. It's called Filth. You can get over the internet at www.dicemanrules.com or you can call this number. Andrew, you want to sing it?
1:06:46🔗
Drew
But again, it illustrates the point we made a million times is if the world seems to be treating you a certain way, it's because of how you're treating the world. His perception is, these people are hassling me.
1:07:03🔗
Adam
He's telling his buddies over beer that night, what a bitch this chick down at the theater is.
1:07:10🔗
Adam
That's true. Yeah, they probably, well, he may have a few, but they probably have their own internal monologue going too.
1:07:19🔗
Adam
Here's the sad part. He may not have buddies, but he's got a couple kids. Oh, yeah. James.
1:07:30🔗
James?
1:07:43🔗
Adam
All right, well, start responding when we call your fake radio name out, would you? Idiots. People call the show and they forget their name.
1:07:56🔗
Adam
You call, here's something that's really funny. People call the show, they don't want to use their regular name. So, you know, Andrew says, tells phone screeners, share my name's Bruce. So then we go, you know, they spend an hour on hold, then we go, Bruce, and they just sit there. I think they're listening to the radio. They forgot that they use that as their radio name. So one time we got a guy and his name, I think it was Michael. And I said, I said, Michael, Michael, Michael. And he went, Oh, yeah? And I said, That's not your real name, is it? And he goes, Yeah, it is. And I said, What do people call you? They call you Mikey, Mike or Michael? And he goes, Mike. And I go, OK. And I go, Michael, how do you spell Michael? And he went, Don't worry about it.
1:08:47🔗
Adam
At least be prepared to spell the name, everybody, or certainly to respond to it. James. Yeah. All right. So what's going on with you?
1:08:55🔗
Caller
I apologize about the pause. That's all right. Kind of a delay or something like that.
1:09:00🔗
Caller
What's up? Well, I've been having problems sleeping for about two years now. And I don't know if it's on your prompter or not, but about two years ago, I stopped using certain drugs that I was using for my attention deficit hyperactive disorder.
1:09:18🔗
Caller
I stopped using them because they really weren't working at all. And I got my problems under control. I really don't have any problems like that anymore. What I do have as a problem now is that I can't sleep very well at night, usually. And for some strange reason, I've found that when I listen to your show, I can sleep better at night.
1:09:58🔗
Adam
Well, it doesn't make you tired. It's just there's nothing left to do when you're awake.
1:10:07🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
No, that's what you've got to do. Believe me, forget about pills, forget about any kind of aphrodisiacal thing. You've got to just use your hands.
1:10:21🔗
Drew
It raises serotonin levels afterwards, and that is induced to sleep. That's why guys go to sleep. Women don't get that question so much. Serotonin.
1:10:28🔗
Drew
But when women actually get a little charged up, they get different chemicals. They're ready to go.
1:10:38🔗
Adam
All you need to know, I mean, if you're trying to explain this to some different beings, some alien that landed on this planet, if men and women should live together for 40 years, here's all you'd have to do is, look, one of the species, after sex, wants to drink beer and fall asleep. The other wants to cuddle and talk.
1:11:05🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
Well, you know, it's not afterwards, the cuddling. It's when they just want to cuddle.
1:11:20🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
I just spent 150 bucks on a cow's ass for you to eat, and you want me to cuddle?
1:11:26🔗
Adam
Guys can't cuddle without getting a boner anyway. How long can a guy cuddle a naked woman without getting an erection?
1:11:36🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
If you ever went with a chick called Kalfe Schwalberg or Livestock or Whale Hamster, these are nicknames for girls I've dated. Banana Nose Lynn, Cider Beef Bernstein, you don't pop a thing.
1:11:53🔗
Drew
Just one last word with James, we got to go to break, and that is that he said he handled his problems, and ADD, ADHD is a biological state of being. It's not something you handle. You may learn to manage your biology better, but he's having some biological problems, it sounds like, and as an adult, they do change a little bit, and the medication that he might be using might be different. He ought to get it re-evaluated. Okay.
1:12:14🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
James, forget about what the doctor said. It's all between your legs. It's up to you now. You could be asleep in five minutes.
1:12:21🔗
Adam
When we come back, we will talk to Sherry. Sherry's 23. Her friend is breastfeeding and smoking pot at the same time.
1:12:29🔗
Adam
We'll yell at them. The other boob becomes a bong at that point, doesn't it, Drew? We'll be back.
1:12:38🔗
Caller
You're listening to Loveline with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew. Loveline will be right back.
1:13:08🔗
Caller
What's up, baby? We're From the Flies, and you're listening to Love Line with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.
1:13:13🔗
Adam
All right. Hey, the gang's all here. The Culver City Finest has shown up. We'll give Drew an escort back to Pasadena tonight when he leaves the show. Andrew got a little nervous. That's all right. This show's a friend of The Fuzz. We want to bring back The Fuzz, by the way, guys. Got the cops in here. Drew and I were asking what happened to The Fuzz? Remember when people say, look out for The Fuzz, or here comes The Fuzz? And then it got completely dropped. Cops have hung around. What are the other ones? Pigs? I don't use those anymore. The Man? They got any bad nicknames? What do you guys hate? You know what I mean? Like, each group has the...
1:14:01🔗
Adam
They call cops one time? That doesn't sound bad. You know, it's funny. Each group, whether you're gay or Jewish or black, you got a million handles. But there's one that you hate, which is always weird to me. You know what I mean?
1:14:16🔗
Adam
No, what I mean is, like, I don't think you cops mind cops and you probably don't mind fuzz, but you don't like one time.
1:14:21🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
Well, cops is like the normal. Yeah, well, that's not like a, that's not like...
1:14:28🔗
Drew
Now, we have to introduce these guys. These are the guys that pulled Adam from The Flys over earlier today. Right.
1:14:35🔗
Drew
Explain why we have the police standing in the studio. People that weren't listening earlier.
1:14:40🔗
Adam
Adam from The Flys called in, said he got pulled over on the way to Loveline tonight, but not on the way to Loveline, just on the way to the Westwood One studios. The cops were very understanding. When they found out he was who he was and they were fans of the show, they just let each other off. Well, actually, the cops let Adam off. He didn't let them go anywhere. But the point is, is he called in and explained that earlier tonight, then we were talking about it at the beginning of the show when he called in, and lo and behold, an hour and a half later, the cops show up. Isn't that just how it works? You put their name out, an hour and a half later, they show up. All right.
1:15:19🔗
Adam
The older I get, the more I like cops. I really do. And I feel, with the amount of taxes I pay each year, and I know, Andrew, you probably feel this way, I want my own cop. I really do. There's nothing that makes me sicker than these cops spending all their time showing up to domestic disputes.
1:15:41🔗
Adam
He spells the law with an R, by the way. But here's my feeling. And I wonder if you guys could implement this. I'm speaking to the police officers when I say this. I know it's never going to make it to the books, but you guys have your, you know, you do your own. Uh-oh, someone's calling in now. You got your own breed of justice that you take to the streets. There's what the book says and there's what you do. Here's my, here's my take. When you show up at the same house for like the third domestic dispute call in, let's say, a six month period, you put a bullet in everybody. We don't got time for this. I'm getting sodomized at the ATM. I would have to agree with that. And you're breaking up this fight. Shick threw a curler at a guy and you're over there. Meanwhile, I'm getting gang raped. You know what I'm saying? I don't want the cops showing up breaking up married couples. I understand once in a while the guy gets loaded and he throws a beer can at the old lady and you got to show up. But when it's the third or fourth time, you just put everyone down. That's it.
1:16:39🔗
Adam
You guys should have silencers too. Believe me, when I'm in power, you're going to have silencers. You leave them off, but when it comes, there's certain things you do. We call it cleanup detail. Screw the silencer on. And that's how you know you're screwed, by the way. When you get pulled over and you see the guy screwing the silencer on the piece. These guys, Andrew, I was talking about at the beginning of the show. These guys, ever since this North Hollywood shootout, that's my hometown, by the way. I don't know. You must have seen this on the news.
1:17:07🔗
Adam
Guys fired 700,000 rounds in the community. And then the one guy's mom sued for brutality. That's what I love, by the way. But, ever since this big shootout, the cops said, We need weapons, too. So, they got the automatic weapons. These guys got not only sidearms, they got shotguns, they got automatic weapons. And I'm hearing that the new car's got a grenade launcher.
1:17:33🔗
Adam
All right. Do you guys wear vests now all the time? Bulletproof vests. That's standard.
1:17:47🔗
Adam
And they've done a good job with these things now. I mean, you guys look great. They're very becoming. I think they do vertical stripes on them so the guys look more slender. But I mean, they don't have a flap that hangs down and covers the groin, do they? See, that's all. You know what I'd do if they gave me the bulletproof one? I'd stuff the whole thing in my shorts. I wouldn't even put it on. I'd just shove it right down in my pants.
1:18:24🔗
Caller
Well, my friend just had a baby and started smoking pot again, but she's breastfeeding now.
1:19:00🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
Why don't you mind yours? Worry about you, not your friend, squealing on her with her big boobs, those big fleshy sacks of meat.
1:19:25🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
I think she's a little maybe apprehensible, because maybe her breasts aren't as big as her friends.
1:19:47🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
She's a hot chick. She's looking to have a good time. She's using you as an excuse to get to me, just like that other one that messes with the guy's brothers. Sherry 13-year-old. No, not the 13-year-old, stupid.
1:19:59🔗
Drew
Marijuana definitely in the breast milk, definitely deleterious for the child. Your friend's got severe problems if she can't even contain her use in the face of potential damage to the child.
1:20:24🔗
Adam
Man, there's a lot of potential there. Like if you get a flu, you'd give the kid the flu?
1:21:29🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
But picture if your mother is like a Linda Tripp. You already got the cow.
1:21:35🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
You know what I mean? If you got to be sucking on something, at least you should have the choice of who's breast. You know? Not some ugly fat slob. You know, a hot looking chick from the Tropicana or something. You know, something like that. Nice.
1:21:50🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
You know what I mean? You know, these ugly chicks are looking for their jollies. That's why they have the kids do it. What happened to homogenized? That's what I say. You know what I mean? And they got the, you know, the breasts have fat in them. You know what I mean? You could buy the milk now that's skin free.
1:22:06🔗
Adam
Andrew Hey, speaking of milk, I just want to bring something up for a second. It just jumped in my head.
1:22:14🔗
Adam
Andrew You're just scaring them. That's why they're nodding. Listen, Andrew, you're old enough to remember powdered milk. You remember this craze? Remember everyone thought they're going to save a nickel with the powdered milk? I don't either. But the point is, for some reason, I must have been right in the sweet spot of powdered milk. I don't think people make powdered milk anymore. But when I was a kid, everybody was getting into this powdered milk.
1:22:37🔗
Adam
What you can do is you can save yourself a nickel a week by making this powdered milk.
1:22:43🔗
Adam
It's the worst tasting crap in the world. Well, my take is, is hey, if you can't afford a gallon of milk, don't have the goddamn kids.
1:22:55🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
Give it to all these guys off the boat. Here's all the milk you can handle. Good for you.
1:23:04🔗
Caller
Nice. When I went to a gynecologist, they said my cervix is kind of crooked or something.
1:24:05🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
You know what you got to do? I'm seeing what a crooked cervix is. You got to find a guy with a crooked penis.
1:24:13🔗
Drew
Now, he told you it was tilted. You just sort of flip in a different direction. And it's nothing to do with the air getting into the vagina, which is a whole different thing. And air getting into the vagina is a normal thing. I mean, most women get that.
1:25:01🔗
Adam
No, it is true. Just slow down. When you have the fast sex, that's when you get the air. It's like when you eat too fast, you get gas.
1:25:12🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
Three. You see what you're doing already? You're 19 years old. You got to work it in slow. You know, it's like a new car. You know, you don't want to get right on the freeway. You know what I mean? You want to drive in the street a little. Break it in nice, nice. Get the wheels rotated a few times. And you take it out on the freeway. You open it up nice.
1:25:39🔗
Adam
But does the air get in there in every position? Because sometimes it's only in certain positions.
1:25:56🔗
Adam
Slow down and don't worry about it. Listen, that fart sound, guys, don't mind. It's a sound of progress. They like that sound. They do. Here's the problem with the sound.
1:26:09🔗
Adam
It's like, you know, like when you shout in a vowel and you hear your voice back. It's the equivalent to that.
1:26:31🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
No, no. What I'm saying is, you know, just to keep it, you know, liquefied, whatever.
1:26:37🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
I'm good like that. I know a lot about sex. You don't got to tell me nothing.
1:26:41🔗
Adam
And the problem is, is when people have sex, they get real serious. They get their game face on. And then when the big fart comes flying out, it sort of breaks everyone's concentration. It's like if you're playing a chess match and some guy ripped the fart.
1:27:08🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
Yeah, that's why I didn't understand that guy. I can't sleep. Can't sleep.
1:27:11🔗
Adam
Yeah, if we live together, we could take shifts. I'll sleep. You whack off. All right?
1:27:19🔗
Adam
All right. Andrew Dice Clay is here. If you didn't know that. He's got himself a CD out. It's called Phil.
1:27:56🔗
Adam
Hey, it's Loveline. Andrew Dice Clay is our guest tonight. Filth is the name of his latest CD. You can get that over the internet by punching up www.dicemanrules.com. Andrew's taking a leak or something, but I guess he's coming back into the studio. You can also pick up the CDs by calling 1-800-711-4499. Hey, let's see, Lance, let's talk to the cops. Hey, fire a shot off. Let Andrew know that the show has started up. I mean, into the ceiling, not into Mike or anything.
1:28:39🔗
Hello.
1:28:42🔗
Dr. Drew?
1:28:43🔗
Okay, I wanted to ask you about this. I've been in therapy for about six years. I've been doing really, really good.
1:28:56🔗
Hello.
1:28:59🔗
I've been doing really good in everything. Diagnosed with depression and anxiety. And I've started cutting on myself. This is something that I did when I was like 15, but I quit a couple years.
1:29:12🔗
And now I'm doing it again.
1:29:16🔗
Excuse me?
1:29:18🔗
Six years. For about one year, I only went like every three months because I was doing really well.
1:29:25🔗
No. That's what I don't understand.
1:29:32🔗
Yeah.
1:29:37🔗
No. I can't think of anything.
1:29:40🔗
No.
1:29:44🔗
I am.
1:29:47🔗
See, that's what it's kind of irritating. They're like, she's like, well, not many people really know why people do this.
1:29:53🔗
Drew
That's true. There's a lot of theories about it, but nobody knows for sure. It usually just means that there is some overwhelming stress or some overwhelming feelings that you can't manage and it's a way of sort of releasing it or getting some relief. It's a very primitive, regressive behavior. It's obviously something you haven't done for a long time. It means something, but it's hard to know what it means. I mean, my guess, addicts do this as a way of sort of activating the reward systems. People who have been cutters do this when they're extra depressed or have a lot of stress in their life. Relationship, fear of loss or something in therapy that's starting to come up that you're not able to handle. You may not even be aware of yet.
1:30:28🔗
Adam
I haven't brought this up in a while, but I believe as humans evolve and we keep evolving physically just like any other animal, we're going to have a part that's put on us just to f with. You know what I mean? Just to tattoo, just to pierce, just to cut off. Just to mutilate, just to put beads under. Don't you think, Drew? I think if people just keep going this way, there'll be some...
1:30:55🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
There's no need for that. Like if somebody took that little toe from you, you'd be like, I don't need that. Isn't that the toe when you're out at the pool, you're always looking at it, going, I don't need this. And that's the toe that digs into the other toe. You ever notice that it's turned towards the other toe? The minute the nail gets lit, it just starts digging in and digging in.
1:31:22🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
I'm telling you, that's the toe that you get sciatica trying to cut the nail.
1:31:36🔗
Adam
Yeah, Andrew, I was thinking more of like a third lobe, somewhere like on your sternum.
1:31:51🔗
Adam
I'm saying I think there should be another part of the human body. Yeah, but you wouldn't want to cut to it, pierce it or cut it. The second one's in his ass.
1:32:12🔗
Caller
Yeah. My girl and I have been going out for about three months. And it's going really well.
1:32:20🔗
Caller
We're both in the military and I leave in March. I get stationed at a different place.
1:32:27🔗
Caller
Yeah, it sucks, man. Anyway, we've been talking about like what we're going to do. Like in the future, we just talked about that a little bit tonight.
1:32:35🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
I tell you something, Joey, you know what you're going to be doing. You're around the middle of the desert somewhere, some chick walks over with them kerchiefs on. Bingo, you're in.
1:32:51🔗
Adam
That's what goes on in the military. They go to Thailand, they catch the ping pong balls, the chicks shoot out of the car.
1:32:55🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
Does she ever walk in in the outfit and play like the dominating sergeant or something? You ever do that?
1:33:08🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
Oh, okay. I bet there's not even a chick. I bet you just want to get on the radio.
1:33:20🔗
Adam
You guys are... You're moving. All right, don't give them service. I know, I'm teasing. I know they don't speak Yiddish in the military.
1:33:26🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
Because I'm trying to make them feel good. He's in the military. I try to lighten things up. I mean, you know, you don't know her nothing.
1:33:36🔗
Adam
Dice, the guy's got a gun. I'll leave him alone. Oh, you're right. Zach. Yeah. You guys are moving apart. You want to know how to... Can't you put in, once you get married, don't they have something to facilitate that in the military?
1:33:51🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
He's dating her. It's new love. You know what happens for the first six months when you're with a new chick.
1:34:09🔗
Caller
Well, see, we're both studying for two different things. She'd be gone, I'd say, probably about a year and a half.
1:34:23🔗
Drew
I don't know about this. I think you gotta make, in your young age especially, I think it's important you follow your career, both of you. What career?
1:34:45🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
So learn the language over there. There are plenty of broads walking around.
1:34:48🔗
Adam
Is there any way for either one of you, since you're studying, you're both linguists, can't you put yourself in to transfer or go with or go to? Or is there any facility for that?
1:35:04🔗
Drew
I think this relationship may just be one of those that occurs at the wrong time in your life.
1:35:10🔗
Drew
I suspect. But you try to get on with your life in the meantime and reconvene somewhere. Don't try to keep it going because it'll be impossible.
1:35:15🔗
Adam
They're in love. Why don't you get married? And that way you could get shipped out to the same place.
1:35:19🔗
Caller
Well, one thing, I don't want to be a statistic where I'm from. And another thing is that it'd be, like I said, it's really hard to get stationed together even if you're married. Because I know people who have been married and then they get stationed totally far apart and then they don't talk. They talk with each other and stuff but they don't see each other for like a year or two years.
1:35:42🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
You want me to lay out your life because you're 23 years old? You want to know what happens, Gus? You're full in love at 23. I'm sure she's a very pretty woman, right? She's very pretty. You're in love. You're infatuated with her. Now you get married to this chick, right? Now they send you to some, you know, some third-world frigging country. In the meantime, she's pregnant, right? Now you got the kid. But now there's a problem because you never get to see her. Now you come home and the neighbor's been banging her, right? So now you're divorced, Gus. By the time you're 24 or 25, you're divorced with kids that don't even know who you are and they're calling the stranger daddy, right? And you're going to pay support for the next 18 years. And every time you come there, they're not even going to know who you are. Is that what you want for you?
1:36:26🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
That's what happens when you're young and you fall in love and you have kids and then you got to travel like a traveling salesman.
1:36:36🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
And you show up at their wedding and they look at you like, you ought to step back. Sorry. That don't hold water with me.
1:36:53🔗
Andrew Dice Clay
I'm trying to help this guy, Gus. He defends the country of the United States of America.
1:37:32🔗
Adam
Andrew is either doing cocaine or is a spastic bladder, because he was just in the bathroom 10 minutes ago. We're out of show. I want to thank Andrew Dice Clay for coming in here. I want to thank Culver City Finest for coming in here and protecting the show. Go out and get the new CD built and get over the internet, or you can get it by calling the 800 number, 800-711-4499. Until next time, it's Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew saying, Huh?