Episode 1000754887865

0:51 I had some technical problems.

0:56 KROQFM, Pasadena, Los Angeles.

1:02 Voiceover Yeah, it's Loveline. A Madam Carolla that is Dr. Drew over there. Dr. Drew is a board certified physician and addiction medicine specialist. Phone number, 1-800-LOVE-191, fax number 310-854-4455. And tonight, our guest is one of our favorites on a very long list of favors. David Alan Grier is here tonight.

1:25 David Alan Grier You started it already.

1:27 Adam I know. I know I had to. He gives me a kind of Tourette's, David does. I do.

1:32 David Alan Grier Adam, how are you, my good friend?

1:34 Drew You know the deal with Adam is somebody is like at least a bit sensitive or vulnerable, he's got to go at it.

1:39 No. Yes.

1:40 Adam David is a rock.

1:43 David Alan Grier I'm here with a purpose. You know, a lot of times, Dr. Drew and I would gang up on you.

1:47 Adam I know it.

1:47 David Alan Grier I think someone over there needs a little tough love himself.

1:51 How dare you?

1:52 David Alan Grier No, how dare you? Physician, heal thyself. Now, Adam and I talked in the parking lot. We're going to have a lot of your family members coming in here. I think you're addicted to work, my friend. Hold on. I think you're right. Hold on. That is a... You're right.

2:07 Yeah, yeah.

2:09 David Alan Grier So what are we going to do about it? What changes are we going to make?

2:12 Drew Go to therapy more often.

2:14 David Alan Grier It's true. He has triplets. They call him uncle daddy. Because they never see the man.

2:18 Adam Drew brings his secretary into therapy with him and gives dictation, by the way.

2:23 David Alan Grier Is it true you send friends in there for you?

2:26 Drew Yeah, somebody's got to do it.

2:27 David Alan Grier Please tell my therapist the following points I'd like to bring up in therapy this week.

2:30 Adam Well, to be fair, he's on speakerphone.

2:34 Drew I'm listening in.

2:35 Adam They're just there to put a warm body on the sofa.

2:38 David Alan Grier Dr. Drew, that's damaging. What are we going to do? What are we going to do? I see you rubbing your eyes. Look at me. Eye contact. Stay focused.

2:45 Adam Come on.

2:45 David Alan Grier The folded arms. Open up. Let's put the arms on the table.

2:49 Adam Yeah. Let me plug some of David's projects, by the way.

2:52 David Alan Grier Hey, enough of that.

2:53 Yes, I'm in Three Strikes.

2:54 David Alan Grier MGM opening March 1st, directed by DJ Poop.

2:56 Adam That's right.

2:57 David Alan Grier I'm also in Return to Me, opening April 7th. MGM, directed by Bonnie Hunt.

3:03 Adam David Duchovny, mini-driver.

3:05 David Alan Grier Yeah, I'm with the big guys.

3:07 Adam Also got a pilot he's working on.

3:10 David Alan Grier Yeah, MTV. Oops, NBC. Oh, that was a Friday in Slip.

3:14 Adam Wow. Yeah.

3:14 David Alan Grier What was that?

3:15 Adam Probably would have cost you a few hundred grand too.

3:17 I know, I know.

3:18 Drew At least.

3:20 Adam NBC coming out fall of 2000.

3:24 David Alan Grier Hopefully, hopefully, hopefully, if we get an order. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I also have a show on Fox Family, Random Acts of Comedy, but enough about me.

3:31 Adam Seen it many times.

3:32 Drew What's the David Alan Grier show about?

3:34 David Alan Grier I play a Secret Service agent in the White House, and he was jailed, wrongly accused.

3:40 No, I wasn't.

3:41 David Alan Grier I wasn't. I actually, someone attempts to assassinate the president, and I run away from the bullets. So, that's where it starts. I'm demoted.

3:51 Adam And I'm guessing it's a sitcom, right?

3:53 Drew If the hall monitor grows up and...

3:54 David Alan Grier No, absolutely not. You're wrong and wrong. It is an hour drama.

3:59 No, I'm just kidding.

4:01 David Alan Grier I'm just kidding.

4:01 It's a sitcom.

4:03 David Alan Grier You knuckleheads, it is.

4:05 Adam I really enjoy David Alan Grier. I really do. Thank you so much, Adam. He's smart, he's brash, he's funny. I always enjoy his visits here.

4:14 David Alan Grier Yeah, not funny enough for the man show.

4:17 Interesting.

4:18 Wow.

4:19 Adam Now, as soon as the EEOC gets on us, we're gonna bring you right on in.

4:25 David Alan Grier Hey, listen, I can call my reverend friend, Mr. Sharpton and the NAACP at the drop of a hat. We will pick at you and put you out of business if you push me.

4:36 Adam All right. We'll get you in. We'll have you make a cameo.

4:39 David Alan Grier Now, back to you, Dr. Drew.

4:40 Drew Yes.

4:41 David Alan Grier What's going on?

4:42 Drew We're going to call.

4:43 David Alan Grier Okay. Well, let's make a list of the changes that Dr. Drew needs to make in his life before the end of this night.

4:49 Adam Michael, you're 21.

4:51 Caller Yes, sir.

4:52 Adam What's up? What's up?

4:54 Caller Not much. Hey, I just want to say hello to David Alan Grier.

4:58 David Alan Grier What's up, Mike?

5:00 Caller How you going, baby? What's going on over there?

5:02 Caller I remember seeing you as I was a teenager on In Living Color.

5:05 David Alan Grier I was up in there.

5:07 Caller What's up, my man? Hey, Dr. Drew and Adam, I had a question for y'all. Adam, you're probably going to rag on me, you know, knowing you. But I'm working in Stockton, California. I'm from San Antonio, Texas. And I've been out here for a little over a month and a half. And I called a stripper in my room last night and she showed up.

5:27 Drew You caught one in your room? Called one.

5:30 David Alan Grier He said he's from San Antonio. Call the stripper.

5:32 Drew You know, caught it like a like a roach or something.

5:38 Caller No, I didn't catch one.

5:39 Adam All right. Yeah.

5:40 Caller Well, I guess if I had caught one, it wouldn't cost me money.

5:43 Adam But you call the stripper.

5:45 Caller Yeah, I called the stripper. She shows up and she's doing her little show, you know, her little dance and stuff. And then she comes on to play what she calls a game. She called it the lollipop game. Anyway, she's doing this dance. And anyway, she sticks a lollipop in her vagina. Right. And then I was supposed to bite the stick of the lollipop, pull it out of her vagina. And then she put it in her mouth. Sucked on it for maybe a second at the most. And then stuck it in my mouth. And my question is, can I get a disease? And if anybody like the girlfriends I have in San Antonio, can they get anything if I was to be able to catch something?

6:29 David Alan Grier Cut them off.

6:29 Adam Well, we'll have to ask Mr. Al. A one, a two, a three.

6:35 Caller Three.

6:36 Adam Three diseases.

6:37 Drew Yes, three.

6:38 Caller Three diseases?

6:40 Adam No, that was just an old reference to an old commercial. You called a stripper over to your place alone?

6:47 Caller Yeah. Well, I'm in my room.

6:49 Adam Yes. And it was just you. You just called her over.

6:52 Caller Well, I thought about calling, you know, getting the five of the guys I'm out here working with to come and watch the show, too. But I thought, you know, at 140 bucks an hour, I might as well get my money's worth.

7:01 Adam You must have been drunk.

7:03 Caller No, I wasn't drunk. I was running pretty good, though.

7:05 David Alan Grier Did she come by herself or did she have, like, the bodyguard?

7:08 Caller No, she came strictly alone.

7:10 Adam And you didn't want to try to have sex with her?

7:13 Caller I wouldn't go that far, but I wasn't going to be rude and, you know, try to...

7:17 David Alan Grier You feel like a lollipop, right?

7:18 Adam Yeah.

7:19 Caller Well, I just wanted, I guess, bluntly to see a naked woman.

7:22 Adam Right. Okay. What...

7:24 Drew Neck it.

7:24 David Alan Grier I like that.

7:25 Adam I understand.

7:25 Caller San Antonio, baby!

7:26 Caller Neck it!

7:28 Caller Neck it.

7:28 David Alan Grier What neck it?

7:29 Caller I just make fun of the way I talk.

7:31 Adam That's beautiful.

7:32 David Alan Grier That's beautiful.

7:32 Adam That's all right. Listen, Drew, what can you get? You can't get anything, can you?

7:35 Drew Well...

7:36 Adam Not really.

7:37 Drew You can get HIV, you can get hepatitis C, you can get hepatitis B.

7:41 David Alan Grier Wait a minute. You can get HIV from sucking on a lollipop?

7:44 Drew Where'd the lollipop go?

7:45 Adam It was in her parts.

7:47 Drew Yeah, see?

7:47 Adam And then it went to her mouth.

7:49 David Alan Grier Hey, guys, guys.

7:50 Adam Yeah.

7:50 David Alan Grier Let's use a proper term. She put the lollipop in her Twinkie Hole and then what happened?

7:57 Adam Then into the pie hole. From the Twinkie Hole into the pie hole and then into his yap.

8:02 Drew All right.

8:02 David Alan Grier You're saying you can get HIV from sucking on a lollipop?

8:04 Drew I mean, these are both theoretic possibilities. It's very unlikely to get anything. Herpes, you get that way, but all very unlikely.

8:10 Adam He's fine. Tiffany?

8:12 Yes?

8:12 Adam You're 21. What's up?

8:14 Caller That's right. Well, I'm wondering what to do about my feelings for an older co-worker of mine. He is 50. I understand why I'm interested in him. Actually, it's because he kind of reminds me of my father, who I didn't have a relationship with.

8:35 David Alan Grier Thank you for bringing that up.

8:37 Adam And because we were going to get to that. And are you having a relationship with the 50-year-old?

8:42 Caller No. No. I'm just not sure if it's the right thing to do. I mean, I have a boyfriend now, and he's like 23. And I don't know. And all of a sudden, they just started just really kind of digging this guy.

9:00 David Alan Grier Why don't you think it's the right thing to do? What's telling you it's not the right thing to do?

9:04 Caller Well, one, I've got a boyfriend. And I just, and as far as the relationship with the older guy, it just wouldn't be right because I wouldn't be sure if I really, you know, had feelings for this guy or if it was just because, you know, he's kind of a father figure to me.

9:21 Drew What's wrong with your dad?

9:25 Caller I don't know. He's just, he's just not the expressive type.

9:29 Drew You know, he's just not been available to you. And this guy reminds you of him, but he is available. It's too much to turn down, huh? Don't do it, Tiffany. It's all built on fantasy. It's not built on who this person is. It's built on, it's built on nonsense.

9:43 Adam Well, what's any attraction built on?

9:44 Drew Yeah, but this is explicitly that.

9:47 Adam All right.

9:48 David Alan Grier Wait a minute. You're saying that all older guys with younger women, it's all a father-friend?

9:54 Drew Not always, but in this case, it is.

9:57 Adam And in your case.

9:58 Caller Well, follow your hunch.

9:59 Drew And anyone who would be attracted to you, David, or follow? I'm sorry.

10:03 Adam Under 60.

10:04 Caller Oh, well, see, the thing is, is like I, I, I'm always going after kind of like the wrong types of men, and it's usually just for like sexual purposes.

10:15 David Alan Grier Well, what's wrong about this guy other than his age? Is there something else in his personality that you know is wrong?

10:23 Caller No, I mean, I've, I've, I've seen like, kind of like this duality kind of thing going, like, like one, one moment he'll be, you know, he'll be really nice to like caring and really considerate, and then the next he's really withdrawn. And it's just like my mother.

10:38 Drew You have a boyfriend anyway.

10:39 Caller Yeah, I have a boyfriend.

10:40 Drew Why are you sabotaging that relationship?

10:42 Caller How's your boyfriend?

10:43 Hi, excuse me?

10:45 Adam What kind of guy is he?

10:46 Oh, the thing is he's great. I mean, he's...

10:48 Drew Why are you sabotaging that?

10:49 Adam Because he's great.

10:50 Drew Yeah, why do you have to sabotage this relationship?

10:52 Adam Because he's great.

10:53 David Alan Grier Nice guys, nice guys out there, listen up.

10:55 Drew Be available in this relationship. Don't screw it up. All right?

10:59 Caller Okay.

11:00 Drew That's it.

11:01 Caller All right.

11:02 Adam All right.

11:02 David Alan Grier I don't think she listened.

11:03 Adam No, I don't.

11:04 Drew I think she did a little bit.

11:04 Adam She's going to be on him. Sherry?

11:06 Caller Yeah.

11:07 Adam You're 18?

11:08 Caller Yeah.

11:08 Adam What's up?

11:10 I've only had one orgasm and it was in a dream.

11:14 Caller I've been with my boyfriend for a year and nine months.

11:16 Adam I've had two when I got home at 7.45. Maybe you're awake. Yeah. We're proud of you. I just really decided to surprise myself tonight.

11:25 Drew Did your penis still attach to your body? Did you worn it down to a nub? That's why it's so small. Maybe that's worn it down.

11:32 Adam Okay, Drew. As a doctor, you're not allowed to make those kinds of jokes.

11:35 Drew I see.

11:36 Adam Sorry, Sherry.

11:37 Drew Go ahead.

11:39 Caller Anyway, I'm in a year and nine months' relationship with my boyfriend. We have sex regularly, but nothing happens.

11:45 I mean, I enjoy it, but...

11:47 Adam Right. What about oral sex? Does he do that on you?

11:49 Caller Yeah, we've done it inside, outside, in the car, in the trunk, everywhere.

11:54 Drew Does she answer your question?

11:56 Adam He does the oral sex, right?

11:58 Caller Yeah, yeah.

11:58 Adam Yeah. How is he?

12:00 And as a person?

12:02 David Alan Grier Oh, he's saying, how is he at the oral sex, baby? Is he hitting the love button or what? You know we're talking about. Yeah. Is he pushing your doorbell, Mama?

12:10 Yeah. Yeah. It's good.

12:12 Adam Yeah. And you love him?

12:15 Yeah, very much so.

12:16 Adam All right. You're 18. Can you induce one on your own?

12:20 Caller No.

12:20 Adam No.

12:21 Drew You need to work on it.

12:22 Adam You want to try that?

12:22 Drew Induction.

12:24 David Alan Grier That's right. Have you tried like the bath thing, you know, with the shower head and all that? Yeah.

12:30 Caller Yeah, I've tried that.

12:31 David Alan Grier Have you tried, what is that, that weed whacker? Have you tried one of those?

12:36 Caller Vibrator.

12:39 Caller Tried the vibrator?

12:40 Caller No, I've never tried one of those.

12:41 Adam Let's try one of those.

12:43 David Alan Grier Gone down to Hustler, tell him Davey sent you. It's in the back in the corner.

12:47 Adam Where are you calling from, Sherry?

12:48 Caller Texas.

12:49 Adam All right. Get on a plane. Go down the Sunset Strip. Go to the Hustler Store. Get yourself a vibrator.

12:54 David Alan Grier Don't you think that this whole thing about the orgasm thing, it's all in your head, you know, when you start sweating going, I'm supposed to have an orgasm every time.

13:02 Drew I had an interesting experience that day. I was in Northwest University. I was giving a talk and this woman started, people asking questions, one says something goes, why are women not allowed to talk about masturbation? I don't understand. Masturbation is something that women can't talk about it. When I try to masturbate, I said, you're standing up in the room of 1200 people and you're talking about masturbation. Of course you can talk about masturbation. So we had a little give and take. And we realized what she was actually saying was that there's no language that helps women understand on female terms what they need to do to understand how that function occurs. It's not a male expression. I meant it's not how does it work. It's where they shouldn't do it. Not grandpa's funeral, right?

13:43 David Alan Grier I never masturbated until after I started having sex when I was like 15.

13:47 Drew David, you screwed up. We established that. But aside from that, but the point of the...

13:51 Adam I had a good eight years under my belt before I actually was with the company of a woman. Easily. Under my belt's really the...

13:58 David Alan Grier I once knew a kid. I once knew a kid who masturbated 21 times in one day. Really? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And if you saw the guy, you'd believe it. Absolutely.

14:07 Adam Really?

14:07 David Alan Grier Oh yeah. He was chafed and raw and very proud.

14:10 21.

14:12 Adam He's making an assault on my record.

14:13 Drew The point is that women need to be able to figure out a way to find sort of an emotional place. That's why they always talk about lighting candles and relaxing and drawing a banner. A man, that doesn't even make sense. It's over before they even light the first candle.

14:26 Adam It's so different. I could whack off with a strobe light going in the footage of a Vietnam, you know, the strobe light and the Tet Offense of going off in the background. You know, napalm and, you know, ten-year-old Vietnamese girls running naked down the street on fire. I'd still get one off.

14:44 David Alan Grier Now, that's sexy. Come on, stop it.

14:45 Adam I have that kind of focus. On the other hand, if I'm sitting in the airport trying to write something on a scratch pad and the guy next to me is, you know, messing around on his laptop, it's too, it's too distracting for me to go on.

14:56 David Alan Grier You know, I think you're partly right, but the other part is every woman is different.

15:01 Drew That's part of the problem. They need to discuss it.

15:03 David Alan Grier They need to find out what they need.

15:04 Drew They do, but they need sort of a language, a understanding that men don't have.

15:10 David Alan Grier But you know what? Most of the girls I talk to, I go, if you sleep with a guy and he's bad in bed, they don't tell them. They just don't call him back.

15:19 Drew They don't tell the guys anything. They don't tell them when they're good, when they're bad.

15:22 David Alan Grier Hey, we're the Girl Haters Club.

15:24 Caller No, not hate.

15:24 Drew I like that.

15:25 Caller Not hate.

15:25 Adam Drew hates the ladies.

15:26 Drew No, no, no. It's just that they're so fearful of expressing themselves to men.

15:31 Adam You know what it might be?

15:31 David Alan Grier Well, they've been subjugated by mostly the Caucasian man.

15:35 Adam That's right.

15:35 David Alan Grier In this world. But all you chicks out there, it's chocolate big daddy talking.

15:39 Adam I hate women.

15:40 David Alan Grier You can talk to me, baby. You can talk to me. Tell me what you need.

15:44 I just had a thought.

15:45 Adam Maybe they need more euphemisms for masturbation. As men, we have hundreds.

15:51 Caller Spankin the monkey, baby.

15:53 Adam Frost in the Comforter was one I came up with.

15:55 Drew I just heard about pressing the doorbell or something.

15:57 David Alan Grier Pressing the doorbell.

15:58 Adam Well, that's something that a guy does to a girl. But a girl could do it to herself. But girls have to masturbate. They don't have, you know, they can't whack off. They can't toss off. They can't smack the baloney. You know what I'm saying?

16:10 Drew Yeah, they need what? Adam, that's your chance. You're on.

16:13 David Alan Grier Can I make a suggestion? Do it in front of your boyfriends, because I know they'd appreciate it.

16:17 Adam They certainly would. Sam? Yeah. You're 16?

16:21 Caller I am.

16:22 Adam You're on with David Alan Grier, who's here promoting nine shows.

16:25 Caller All right.

16:26 Caller I just want to say, Adam and Drew, I really like you guys.

16:29 David Alan Grier Can I get some love too, man?

16:31 Caller Of course.

16:32 David Alan Grier Can I get hug, man? How you doing, man?

16:34 Caller What's your problem?

16:36 Caller Actually, I just had, I was just calling in with some information. Drew and Adam, you guys are always talking about the morning after pill.

16:45 Drew Right, emergency contraception.

16:47 Caller Right.

16:47 Adam Yeah.

16:47 Caller And how it's only easy to get in Washington.

16:52 Adam Right.

16:53 Caller Well, I'm calling from the Twin Cities in Minnesota, and I've heard ads on the radio for the morning after pill, and for that you can get them at Family Tree Clinic. Yeah.

17:07 Drew Well, we know you can get them at clinics. We're just talking about Washington, you don't need a prescription. You go to a drug store and just walk out with it.

17:13 Caller Oh, okay.

17:14 Drew That's where they have an advocate, that other states should have that.

17:16 Adam We're still glad they advertise.

17:18 Drew Yeah.

17:18 David Alan Grier Well, thanks for the call, smart guy.

17:19 Caller Yeah.

17:20 Adam All right.

17:21 All right.

17:22 Adam Thanks, Sam.

17:22 Drew Thank you.

17:23 Good.

17:24 Adam Listen, it's progressive that they're advertising. We just don't think there should be a prescription necessary.

17:29 David Alan Grier Does the morning after pill, does it cause discomfort to the woman?

17:33 Drew Sometimes some nausea. Ooh, Tony.

17:35 Adam Tony.

17:36 Drew Frequently nausea, in fact.

17:37 Adam You're 20. What's up?

17:39 Caller Hey, I just had a question, man. I was with my girlfriend, like, sometime last week on Thursday.

17:43 Drew That's cool.

17:44 Adam Yeah.

17:45 Caller And we were having, we were doing it in the car, and, like, she was trying to, she was keeping track of her orgasms. And I was wondering if it was possible for a girl to have 13, 13 orgasms.

17:59 David Alan Grier How long were you in the car?

18:01 Adam Four days.

18:02 Caller No, no.

18:03 Adam In a snow bank.

18:04 Drew Some women don't have any refractoriness and can have literally dozens and dozens or maybe even hundreds.

18:09 Adam Yeah. They have them like puppies.

18:10 Drew It's true. Oh, really? Some women.

18:12 Adam Yeah. None that I've ever met.

18:14 David Alan Grier I've cheaped this girl for a while, my man, because it may be many years before I've done anything like that.

18:18 Adam Oh, and what a letdown it's going to be.

18:20 Caller So, that's completely normal, because I mean, I was kind of shocked when she told me, you know, and I didn't know what to think of it.

18:27 Drew That is what multiple orgasms are.

18:30 David Alan Grier Yeah, but the deal is, it's mostly unique to her. It's not really what you're doing. I mean, you're helping her, but it's usually the way the girls are putting together.

18:36 Caller It's not like, yes, I'm incredible.

18:39 Adam No. She could pull the corpse of a drifter on top of her and probably squeeze four or five off.

18:45 Caller Dude, dude, I met one woman like that.

18:48 Adam And you know what's weird too? I don't know why this imagery just came to mind, but it's like a woman keeps the orgasm in the vagina, and some are in there and they're like a crate with nails, and you need a crowbar and tools to get at it, a flat bar, and then others, it's just all bunched up in there. As soon as you pop one out, the rest come rolling out behind it.

19:12 David Alan Grier I met a woman who said if she were exercising and she squeezed her knees together tight enough, she could have an orgasm. You guys, when we work out, everybody knows it.

19:22 Adam Right, and that's what I mean. It's like some women, most, I'd say 95% of women have one up in there somewhere. Some just have one and you need a welding torch to get it out of there. Others have 13 and there's nothing even holding them in, just the weight of themselves. As soon as you rip the cord on the tampon and they all come flying right out of there.

19:49 David Alan Grier Yeah, but that one that has that one locked in there, if you get it out, that could be scary.

19:53 Adam Yeah. No, I mean, it's really, it's like trying to get a pearl out of an oyster or something.

20:03 David Alan Grier That is so beautiful.

20:04 Adam Thank you, man. Jonathan. Jonathan. Oh, boy. You scared them off. You know, it's always funny. I think we're talking about this a few weeks ago, but men never do this, but women do. You know, the woman that has it locked way up in there, and it's kind of hard to get to, you'll get at it every third or fourth session, but you won't see it every day. And then there'll be those days in between where it's like, you're going to town, you're going in and she's there. She's getting close. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. She's getting close. You're thinking, oh, if I can just keep this up, now my calf muscle is going to give out. My nuts are going to explode. If I can just hang on for another 30 seconds, here it comes. Here it comes. And then it's like, okay, okay. Nope, ain't going to happen. They'll just sit right up. Sorry, it's not going to happen.

20:48 David Alan Grier And you're like, it's like two runners. You're like, all right, baby, I'm going for the finish line.

20:51 Caller Yeah.

20:52 And they're like.

20:54 Adam And then once they once they lean up and go, it ain't going to happen, they ain't going to happen. It's like, hey, you want to watch TV, want to detail the van, want to do what everyone do? Just go do it. It ain't happening. Sorry. And you go. How could a guy do that? I'm always like, honey, you were so close. We were right there. You sure you don't want to, I mean, we're there. Let's just finish up. No, no, not going to happen. Not today. Sorry.

21:16 David Alan Grier But sometimes having you been making love to a woman and you can stroke all right, but you know, you never really make it to home plate.

21:21 Drew Yeah, but you're not, you're not got your toe right next to home plate.

21:25 Caller No, it's not like, oh my God, oh my God, ah, oh, I missed the box. No, it's never that.

21:30 Drew No, it's like, no, no, no.

21:32 Adam Right.

21:32 Drew No, forget it, forget it.

21:33 Adam Yeah, see, we know beforehand, it ain't gonna happen.

21:36 Drew Right.

21:37 Adam They don't know, there's a, they get to this, they get to this threshold, it's like 10%, 20%, 30%, critical, wah, wah, wah, 40, 50, 60, 70, 90, 94%.

21:50 David Alan Grier She's dropping, she's dropping, abandon ship.

21:53 Caller Yes, and I gotta rip on you guys.

21:55 Drew Guy passes 60 and it's over.

21:56 David Alan Grier I gotta rip on you guys. You did a loveline on TV that was like, I guess it was a tribute to Undressed.

22:02 Drew Everyone's talking about that.

22:03 David Alan Grier What was going on? That show is so booty.

22:06 Adam I haven't seen it.

22:07 David Alan Grier Oh, I hate that show.

22:10 Drew It is horrible. It was not a tribute.

22:11 Adam That Undressed?

22:12 David Alan Grier Well, did MTV just come to you with guns drawn and said, you've got to do this?

22:16 Adam Yeah.

22:17 David Alan Grier Yeah, it seemed like it. You guys were like, let's look at another Cliffhanger.

22:20 Adam Well, we had a few.

22:21 David Alan Grier Oh, we're having sex again. Okay, great.

22:23 Adam It could have been a decent show, but we had to reshoot the opening part for reasons unknown. And then when we were four seconds from ending, Drew started yapping because they were yelling in his earpiece and F that end up. And then I got pissed off and then the whole show sucked. Is that what happened?

22:39 David Alan Grier I felt that.

22:39 Good.

22:40 David Alan Grier Guys, be true to yourselves from here on out.

22:42 Adam Oh, we got to go to break.

22:43 Caller Zach?

22:44 Hey, how's it going?

22:45 Adam You're 18.

22:46 Caller Yeah.

22:46 Adam What's up?

22:48 Caller I'm getting this girl now and she, like, won't really commit, but she just feels the need to date other guys. She's not really right now, but she's told me that she, you know, she might or whatever.

22:58 Adam Right. Okay. She's your girlfriend, but she won't commit. She wants to date other guys.

23:01 Drew But she's not your girlfriend.

23:02 Caller She's not my girlfriend. We just started dating like that.

23:04 Caller All right.

23:04 Caller And I've been friends with her for like three years.

23:06 Adam Okay, Zach.

23:07 Caller All right.

23:08 Adam You're in the driver's seat on this one, buddy.

23:09 Caller All right.

23:10 Adam Except for you're in England.

23:11 Caller Okay.

23:12 Adam You understand?

23:13 Caller Yeah.

23:13 Adam So you're just holding the map. Hold on. That's not a bad line. I'll write that one down. David Alan Grier is here, everybody. He's promoting the David Alan Grier show and the Greer Alan David show. He's in movies, Three Strikes. He's in. He's got one coming up. The hell's this one with the David Duchovny mini driver? He's got a man's got a real career happening. I don't know what he's doing here. He'll be here.

23:38 David Alan Grier Hi, Mini. How are you, baby?

23:39 Adam We'll get back with Zach and all you after this.

23:41 David Alan Grier You know, I don't really think she's from England.

24:13 Adam It's Loveline. I'm Adam Carolla. That is Dr. Drew over there. You can see me on Politically Incorrect Tonight if you're listening East of the Mississippi because we're on a day delay. Or, you can also watch The Man Show tonight if you're East of the Mississippi. Whatever. It is a hit.

24:33 David Alan Grier Adam, just rest on your laurels. You don't have to keep pushing. People like you for you, okay?

24:39 Adam I know, but I don't like myself.

24:41 Caller Whoa, pump the brakes.

24:42 Adam I'm fat.

24:43 David Alan Grier Can you receive love? I mean, it's not impossible. It'd make Adam feel a lot happier, I think. Okay, let's take a call.

24:50 Adam Now, David's here promoting Three Strikes, which comes out March 1st. Also, he has a movie called Return to Me, which will be out April 17th. Or, sorry, 7th. And then, he's got himself a new ABC series.

25:07 Caller NBC!

25:09 Adam Oh, my God.

25:10 David Alan Grier What is wrong with you?

25:10 Adam I'm just not sleeping enough.

25:11 David Alan Grier You know, things have really changed. And Dr. Drew, you're letting him get away with a lot more than you used to. You used to challenge this man. You used to hold him in check.

25:20 Drew And I was too much of a pain in the ass. He's too much of a genius.

25:22 Caller Oh, boy.

25:24 Drew That's right.

25:24 David Alan Grier Ooh, a little jealousy there, I guess.

25:26 Adam Yes, it is.

25:27 David Alan Grier You know, Dr. Drew wants me to do his cheesy little show on the Internet, you know.

25:31 Adam Not worth it. We'll go out. We'll go out horn instead. Zach?

25:36 Caller Hey.

25:36 Adam You're 18. What's up?

25:39 Caller This girl I'm dating now, she's not really committed to me, but I'm not really, I don't want to give her an ultimatum because, you know, we just, not an ultimatum, but I don't want to tell her, you know, that I want to be serious yet because we just started and she dates other guys. And I was kind of worried. I was just worried because I mean, it's been like picture perfect. Like all the dates we've been on, you know?

25:57 Drew Yeah, from your standpoint.

25:58 Adam You've been friends with her for three years.

26:00 Caller Yeah, just about.

26:01 Adam What took so long?

26:03 Caller I'm not really sure.

26:05 Drew Did you want to date her the whole time?

26:07 Caller Yeah, we always hinted at it, like both of us.

26:09 Drew Yeah, but you always wanted to date her.

26:11 Caller Um, pretty much, yeah.

26:13 Adam Yeah, yeah.

26:14 Caller I like, I dab at it a little bit.

26:16 Drew Yeah, Zach, Zach, Zach, hold on here.

26:18 Adam Let me, let me explain something unfortunately for your situation. Women who are into guys, if they're sane and into the guy, they go on a date with them, they like him, they're in. They want a second date, they want a third date. If they're a little effed up, then they may not, or if they're not really into the guy. So you got two choices here. She's either A, not into you that much, or B, effed up, or possibly both.

26:44 David Alan Grier But let me put another thing in here. I've, through the David Alan Grier Research Fund, I've talked to several, several women. A lot of women have admitted if a guy keeps calling them, they don't like the guy, they're not attracted to the guy. If he keeps harassing them, begging them to go out, they will go out with him to get rid of him. I've even talked to women who said, I have slept with a man just to get rid of him, to keep him, to say stop calling. Now see, this is something that men don't do.

27:15 Drew That's a little screwed up.

27:16 David Alan Grier Yeah, but you talk to a lot of women who will date a guy just, okay, shut up now. I went out with you, get away from me.

27:21 Adam Yeah, well listen, we all do that in our everyday lives. I mean, think of the old, well okay, but put it this way. Think of the old friend or the guy you knew from high school that's been calling you for a while. He wants to get together and do lunch.

27:34 David Alan Grier And you go, okay, I'll sleep with you once. No.

27:36 Adam He wants to go out to lunch. And you realize you put him off five or six times. And then he says, how about two weeks from this Tuesday? And you go, oh, f it, okay.

27:45 David Alan Grier Yeah, but if a girl keeps calling you and wants to get with you and you don't like her, you blow her off. Most men do that. Men don't go, okay, I'll go out with you to dinner just to shut you up. Women will.

27:55 Drew That's true.

27:55 Caller Zach, you're getting boned.

27:57 Adam Zach, you're not in great shape here.

27:59 Caller Well, no, no, no.

27:59 Adam I mean, I know you're delusional, but go ahead.

28:02 Caller Okay. Yeah, whatever. But, um.

28:04 Adam Well, don't give me whatever. You've liked her for three years. She's been sort of lukewarm on you. Why didn't you guys get together three years ago?

28:12 Caller I couldn't tell you.

28:14 Drew Well, she could.

28:15 Adam It wasn't, she could. It wasn't because of you. You were there.

28:18 Drew Yeah, I know that she wasn't there. That's the point. She's still not there.

28:22 Caller No, I think I really think she is.

28:24 Adam Why does she want to date other guys?

28:25 Caller I'm not saying she does, but she told me that she does date other guys.

28:30 Drew Zach, let's put it this way. Wait a minute. Hang on. If you had a girlfriend, okay, and she groomed you for like three years and finally agreed to go out with her and you made like it was a nice date and stuff, could she have groomed you into liking her? If you didn't like her, really weren't into her that whole three years?

28:48 Adam You're saying you're confusing him with a hypothetical. Don't ever use those on our callers. Zach, I'm sorry to confuse you with big words. I'm all together in one of those things called sentences. Now, Zach, listen to me. You're in a ton of denial. She's told you after a few dates that she wants to date other people.

29:06 David Alan Grier But he just said she's dating other guys.

29:09 Caller Hold on. Hold on.

29:09 Adam Go ahead.

29:10 Caller She said that she like she doesn't necessarily want to.

29:14 Caller I mean, she's going to.

29:16 Caller No, no, no, no.

29:18 Adam They're holding her grandfather hostage.

29:20 David Alan Grier Zach, go ahead, man. These guys are so insensitive. Go ahead. Talk to me, baby. Come on.

29:24 Caller Let me know. It's hard to explain. She just said that she does date other guys. I'm not saying she is right now, but she has in the past. But now she's told me and I seriously believe her because I've talked to like her roommates and everything and she says she's like totally into me and everything. And I really do believe him. But she told me she's never really actually really liked the guy she dated. You know? All right.

29:51 David Alan Grier Now I'm confused.

29:52 Drew Yeah.

29:53 Adam Hey, now we gave Zach a barge full of crap and now he's sort of downgrading this so we don't get on him quite as much. Zach. Yeah, that is it. Now you're saying that she has dated other guys in the past and now she's dating you. That's not what you're saying. She told you that she doesn't want to exclusively date you, that there are other guys she wants to date. She's not dating them right now.

30:18 Caller But I don't understand that because if it's so picture perfect, like...

30:21 David Alan Grier It isn't.

30:22 Drew It isn't.

30:23 David Alan Grier That's girl language for saying she doesn't want to get it.

30:26 Caller If you were there, you would know. All right.

30:28 Adam Well, what are you calling about, Zach? You got everything showing up.

30:31 Caller All right, whatever.

30:33 Adam Hey, invite the guys to the wedding.

30:37 David Alan Grier That guy's heading for trouble.

30:38 Adam Listen, 18-year-old guys are just in tons of denial.

30:42 Caller No, they're not.

30:44 Drew Reality has got to conform with what they need or they can't handle it. They can't even talk about it.

30:48 Caller Right.

30:49 Adam Justin?

30:50 Yeah.

30:51 Adam You're 15.

30:52 Caller Yeah.

30:54 Adam I don't know, but when I was 18, I was still fantasizing about being able to become invisible and go in the girls' locker room and stuff.

31:01 David Alan Grier Adam, I think Justin's in a lot of trouble.

31:02 I'm sorry.

31:03 Drew It's because his mom's listening.

31:04 Adam Sorry, buddy. Go ahead, Justin.

31:06 Yeah. I never been with a girl, but I'm masturbating.

31:09 And also I mean, like, do I still have my virginity?

31:13 Drew Yes. Virginity is when you have sexual intercourse with someone.

31:16 So like, if I'm masturbating, if I'm masturbating, I still have my virginity though.

31:22 Drew Yes.

31:22 Adam Yeah. You still got it. Otherwise, I lost it twice tonight before I came in.

31:29 Caller What's up, mayonnaise?

31:30 Adam Yeah, that's my ramp name. What do you think, David Alan? Mayonnaise. You know what I'm saying?

31:36 David Alan Grier I like that, brother.

31:37 I like it a lot.

31:38 Adam That's here.

31:38 Caller That's my main mayonnaise.

31:40 Adam That's Snoop Dogg.

31:41 David Alan Grier His name is mayonnaise. That's what they call him in the street. His name is Adam Corolla. He like to beat his hay now. Yeah, I like that. That's nice.

31:53 Adam Justin?

31:53 Yeah, you guys keep calling me.

31:55 Adam Yeah. You're still a virgin?

31:57 Yeah. All right. Cool.

31:58 Adam Okay.

31:59 Drew I enjoy.

32:00 Adam Wow. I wish it was that easy when I was in high school.

32:03 David Alan Grier Wow, man. That is bizarre.

32:05 Adam Where was my virginity? Hold on a second. I got to talk to... Justin?

32:10 Drew He signed on.

32:11 Adam Okay.

32:11 David Alan Grier He's getting busy.

32:12 Drew Oh, my God.

32:13 Adam What is going on with the educational system?

32:15 David Alan Grier You know what? I wouldn't date a virgin right now. I would run from a virgin, like, you know...

32:20 Adam I would.

32:21 Drew I don't think you'd have to be concerned about that kind of thing. Because her reaction would be about the same as yours.

32:25 David Alan Grier I'm telling you. Right now. No, they like it. The virgin chicks like to date the really crazy guys because it's, you know, they want to change you.

32:33 Caller Make you calm down.

32:34 Caller Love me.

32:35 Caller Brian?

32:36 Caller Yeah?

32:38 Adam David's scaring us.

32:40 David Alan Grier Brian, what's up, Big Daddy? What you got on your mind?

32:42 My nuts are extremely large.

32:45 Caller Wow.

32:45 David Alan Grier Okay, I'm gonna wait in the parking lot.

32:47 Caller That's way too much.

32:48 And I'm on the track team.

32:50 Adam Yeah.

32:51 And I keep slapping them on my thighs.

32:54 Adam Uh-huh.

32:55 Caller And they hurt really bad.

32:57 Adam Getting caught on the hurdles and whatnot?

32:59 No, just like I'm running long distances.

33:02 Drew Why aren't you wearing a jockstrap?

33:04 I don't know.

33:05 Drew All right, there you go.

33:05 Caller I just never thought of that.

33:07 Drew All right, Brian, that's good.

33:08 David Alan Grier That's a quick call.

33:08 Drew Glad I could help you.

33:09 David Alan Grier Is it just the nuts that are swelling or is it the whole package?

33:12 Just like the nuts. I like slap them across my thighs and they hurt really bad.

33:15 Drew That's not good for you.

33:16 David Alan Grier That's a cruel joke by God.

33:17 Drew That is not good for you.

33:19 Adam Hey, Brian?

33:20 Caller Yeah?

33:20 Adam There's these things, I think they invent them like, I don't know, it was like in the 70s, called underpants, you put them on and then when you run, you just get some ball nuggers in.

33:31 Drew No, he has to take a jockstrap.

33:34 Adam Doesn't your code say anything?

33:36 Caller No.

33:36 Adam You just run naked?

33:38 Caller He says run, run the way you want, be free.

33:41 Caller Boy, we're bosses, so.

33:42 Drew Oh, Brian.

33:43 Adam All right, Brian, you're an idiot. Get yourself some jockstrap, would you?

33:47 Caller You know what, that call is fake, man.

33:48 Adam I know, he's full of crap.

33:50 David Alan Grier Messing with you, we trying to help these babies.

33:53 Caller Something's wrong with his testicle.

33:57 Drew Who grabbed her?

33:59 David Alan Grier Why can't I be here when the porno star is up in here, man?

34:02 Adam That was Victoria Jackson.

34:04 Drew Yeah.

34:04 Adam That was no porn star.

34:05 David Alan Grier And she's a Christian.

34:07 Adam Oh, she's something.

34:08 Oh, God. Oh, oh.

34:11 Adam Oh, that's me and the porn star. Oh, yeah, Joe.

34:21 David Alan Grier A lot of guys are calling tonight, man.

34:23 Drew Oh, I was going to tell you that that was the penthouse playmate.

34:25 Adam Yeah. Wow.

34:27 David Alan Grier Was she really beautiful?

34:29 Adam Yeah, she was pretty cute.

34:30 Caller What about her, Drew?

34:32 Adam My grandmother called me tonight and busted my chops about having porn stars on the show. Yeah. She's like, why is that necessary?

34:39 Drew A lot of people commented that it's hard to talk to them about what they really are all about. What, porn stars? Yeah, because they tell me it off the air and then...

34:46 Adam Right. Drew was making a little comment about her.

34:49 David Alan Grier Well, that doesn't make her a bad person, Dr. Drew.

34:50 Drew No, not at all.

34:51 David Alan Grier I saw that note.

34:52 Adam Joe?

34:53 Yeah, what's going on?

34:53 Adam You're 18. What's up?

34:55 Caller Hey, what's going on with you guys?

34:56 David Alan Grier Hey, what's up, man?

34:57 Caller Nothing much.

34:58 Caller Hey, yeah. All right, I got this problem, right? Now, I'm not sexually active. I'm going with abstinence right now until I get married. But my problem is, I believe from wearing non-boxers, the regular underwear.

35:13 Adam Yeah.

35:13 Caller And when I get an erection, basically, it looks like a banana. It goes down.

35:19 Adam Down.

35:20 Caller I don't know if it's from...

35:21 Drew He believes in wearing boxers, is that what you're saying?

35:23 Caller No, I wear briefs.

35:24 Adam Yeah, but he believes that this is from wearing briefs and getting an erection inside of the briefs.

35:29 Drew No, no.

35:30 Caller After, over time, the muscle kind of shaped it.

35:31 Caller No, no.

35:33 David Alan Grier Did it used to not do that?

35:34 Caller Well, when I was, let's say, I started when I was 13. It went left, then it went right, and now for like the past couple of years, it just goes like a banana.

35:40 Drew Joe, take some vitamin E.

35:42 Caller Vitamin E?

35:42 David Alan Grier What's that called?

35:43 Drew Peyronie's disease.

35:45 Caller You think that will take care of it?

35:46 Drew 800 units a day may help, but if it doesn't, see a urologist. How much? 800 units a day.

35:51 Caller 800 units of vitamin E a day?

35:52 Drew Yeah. It has nothing to do with your pants.

35:54 Adam Hey, Joe.

35:55 Caller Yeah, what's going on?

35:56 Adam You believe a turtleneck sweater could make your neck longer? I mean, if you wore one, let's say, every winter.

36:02 Caller You know, when you...

36:03 Adam Oh, shut up.

36:04 Caller Shut up. Hey, you wait a minute, Mr. Adam, Mr. Mean Man.

36:08 David Alan Grier This young man called this show because he wanted to get some information, and thank God for Dr. Drew.

36:14 Caller Not Dr. Adam.

36:15 David Alan Grier I don't see a doctor in front of your name, Mr. Big Mouth.

36:18 Adam He didn't want...

36:19 Caller Mr. Star of the Mane. That's my job. That's my job.

36:25 Caller I am so sick of you.

36:26 Caller Oh, I'm so successful.

36:27 David Alan Grier You have really changed. You used to be the regular guy. My old girlfriend loved you. She said, Adam sounds like he's really cool.

36:34 Caller You know, he used to box.

36:36 Adam That's right.

36:36 David Alan Grier And now he's just a movie star.

36:38 Adam Hold on. Speaking of regular guy, David Alan Grier came on this show, must have been a year and a half ago, two years ago. We were talking about boxing. He gave me his number.

36:49 Drew Oh, yeah.

36:50 Adam Hey, brother.

36:51 David Alan Grier I'll do it again. You're my witness. We're going to go.

36:53 Adam Hey, brother. We're going to go hit the bag. I said, David, I would love to do that.

36:57 Caller I'll call you tomorrow.

36:58 David Alan Grier We're going to work out.

36:58 Adam I said, I'll give you a call sometime.

37:00 Drew This is like when Rod Stewart asked you to come fix a cabinet.

37:04 Caller No, uh-uh.

37:05 David Alan Grier This is my for real number.

37:07 Adam Oh, sure. Now that I got two shows, now we can hang out.

37:10 David Alan Grier I don't even like you, but I'm going to do this this time.

37:13 Caller I really, you know what I thought?

37:14 David Alan Grier I thought you were going to have like a Golden Gloves flashback and I worked about it, worked about it.

37:18 Adam And you go take it upstairs, take it upstairs. Is this your work number or what?

37:22 David Alan Grier That's my home number, man.

37:24 Adam All right, man. This time when I call, maybe you call me back.

37:27 David Alan Grier I will. It's a pledge.

37:30 Adam Call the guy twice over a couple of months, never call back. I want to go work out with you.

37:37 David Alan Grier All right, we're going to do this, man. We're going to do this.

37:38 Adam All right. We'll take a break.

37:39 David Alan Grier Cuba Gooding Jr hooked me up with his gym.

37:41 Adam David Alan Grier, sir, I guess. I will take a little break. We'll be back after this. That is Dr. Drew. Phone number, 1-800-L-A-V-E-1-9-1-2.

38:31 David Alan Grier 1-800-L-A-V-E-5-0-2.

38:33 Caller I made you mess up. Say the number again, Adam.

38:37 David Alan Grier Go ahead.

38:39 Adam 1-800-L-A-V-E-1-9-1.

38:44 David Alan Grier Shout out to Jimmy Carey, man. You didn't get nominated. Big deal. You make 20 million a film. Don't sweat it. All right.

38:50 Drew No nominations?

38:51 David Alan Grier No, man. No nominations for me, neither, man.

38:54 Drew Wait, wait. What about The Man in the Moon? Wasn't that part of the...

38:56 David Alan Grier Yeah, but he didn't get nominated.

38:58 Drew He didn't? No. Isn't that weird?

39:01 Adam He did a good job in it, but it wasn't a great film. It was just a decent film.

39:04 David Alan Grier Magnolia was the most magnificent movie of last year. It was not nominated for best film, so they can all go to hell.

39:10 Adam I didn't even catch the nominations. Was election nominated?

39:14 David Alan Grier No, that was another great movie.

39:15 Drew Jimmy Carey, you guys were friends when you were working on the 11 killer.

39:17 David Alan Grier We were friends, but we didn't like hang out, hang out.

39:20 Drew And now you're pissed at him?

39:21 David Alan Grier No, I said, I said, you know, don't sweat it. He's, you know, making movies, making money.

39:25 Drew No, I thought you said in spite of it.

39:27 David Alan Grier No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't think he should worry about the Academy.

39:31 Adam David would have done a little more hanging out with him had he known. Oh, if he had his crystal ball.

39:36 David Alan Grier That's not true. I'm so private. So private. It wouldn't have mattered.

39:40 Adam I know. I call again and he'll call me back.

39:42 David Alan Grier Oh, man. You're worse than a girlfriend.

39:44 Adam We're hanging. We're hanging out.

39:46 David Alan Grier We're going to work out, baby.

39:47 Adam We're going to go to the gym.

39:48 David Alan Grier We're going to see Mr. Golden Gloves. Mr. I used to buy.

39:52 Adam I'm going to give you the focus gloves. Oh, you're going to love it. Jennifer.

39:56 Caller Hello.

39:57 Adam You're 19.

39:58 Caller Yeah.

39:58 Adam What's up?

39:59 Caller Hi. My boyfriend wants to have anal sex and I was wondering if there's any permanent damage that could be done.

40:04 Drew Uh-huh.

40:05 David Alan Grier Only that she'll like it. That's about the only way.

40:07 Drew Your soul could be altered forever.

40:12 Adam Have you ever done this before?

40:14 Drew Anal sex?

40:15 Caller No.

40:15 Adam Yeah. And how big is his honker?

40:19 Caller Well, I have an movement like a lot of guys, so I don't have anything to compare it to, but he's not small.

40:24 Drew And this is something he's intent upon?

40:25 Caller Well, he had asked me about it and I've been curious.

40:28 Drew You're curious about it?

40:29 Caller We're both curious about it.

40:30 Drew Don't you think it might hurt?

40:31 Caller Well, yeah. Well, my friend has done it before and one of my friends, she said she liked it and my other friend said she didn't like it, so.

40:37 Adam So, there you go.

40:38 David Alan Grier There you go. It's an acquired taste.

40:41 Adam Yeah. You get used to it.

40:43 David Alan Grier Go slowly and stay relaxed. That's my only advice.

40:47 Adam Plenty of lubrication.

40:48 Drew If it hurts too much, stop. You can tear the muscles. You can cause abscesses. No, stop. Hemorrhoids.

40:53 Caller Dr. Drew, can we have any fun in this society without you ruining it?

40:57 Drew And it's a good way to transmit an STD.

40:59 David Alan Grier Well, just be safe.

41:01 Adam You got to put a kind of on.

41:02 David Alan Grier Sex is a good way to transmit STDs. As a matter of fact, kissing is too. Did you know that if you stare intently at another person, there's vapors from the eyeballs that carry the HIV virus?

41:12 Drew There's one STD you can't transmit through anal sac.

41:14 David Alan Grier Stupidity?

41:15 Drew Pregnancy.

41:16 David Alan Grier Oh, right. Yeah, that's good.

41:18 Adam Did you guys hear that I've yanked about this before? It has nothing to do with the show, but it drives me insane anyway. Did you hear that a judge gave the family of the North Hollywood bank robbers the right to sue the LAPD now? Unacceptable.

41:36 David Alan Grier Yeah, because he... But it was the grandmother, because they left him there to bleed. I think they should have left him handcuffed and kicked him. And to bleed. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

41:45 Adam Oh, yes.

41:45 David Alan Grier I was in Borneo and I saw that on TV. This world is much too small.

41:49 Adam I was in North Hollywood, I think.

41:50 Drew What the hell were you doing in Borneo?

41:52 David Alan Grier A little something, getting to know the people. I went over there to see orangutans.

41:56 Drew No.

41:57 David Alan Grier I did. Jesus Christ.

41:58 Drew Do you have too much time on your hands?

41:59 Caller I saw them.

41:59 David Alan Grier I saw them in the wild. I mean, it was at the end of the trip, and I was like, Oh my God, they're no orangutans. This looks like a park.

42:04 Caller Oh my God, what is that?

42:06 David Alan Grier And there it was in the tree, a mama feeding on a tree with her little baby.

42:10 Drew You were like looking, spending your days looking for orangutans.

42:13 David Alan Grier All day in a canoe.

42:15 Drew Wow.

42:15 David Alan Grier They're like, this is the favorite place for the orangutan. This is my favorite place. The little thing. And we go up there and there's like 58 boats full of Japanese tourists, you know? Like eating Clark bars, throwing their cigarette butts over the side.

42:28 Adam Were you just on vacation?

42:30 David Alan Grier No. I went to do the show. It was horrible. It took four days to get there and I could only spend three days. It was just constant jet lag and arguing.

42:38 Adam Wow. I don't go to the zoo anymore because it's like just nothing but paroled felons and their mongoloid kids there.

42:46 David Alan Grier It's true.

42:47 Adam I don't know what the hell happened to the LA Zoo, but Drew, if you hauled your lily white ass into that place in the last five years...

42:54 Drew Fairly frequently.

42:55 Adam It is a nightmare over there now.

42:58 Drew It's actually gotten better over the last five years.

42:59 Adam Oh, it has?

42:59 Drew It was about five years ago and it was bad.

43:02 Adam All I see there is a bunch of ex-gang members with tattoos on their eyelids and calves pushing around strollers that have eight kids in them. They're all the same age. I don't know how that works. And I'm scared for my life in that place now, LA Zoo. Plus, all the good animals are either sleeping or in their den.

43:21 David Alan Grier It's very depressing, though. You see like a pygmy hippopotamus, last known surviving hippo.

43:27 Caller You're like, look at the little hippo.

43:29 Caller He ain't got no brothers and sisters, no friends.

43:32 Caller He just stay all alone.

43:34 Adam Animals in the zoo don't move either, by the way.

43:37 David Alan Grier They're in jail.

43:38 Adam No. Yeah, they're sitting there and they're going, look, I got some guy with a FDLAPD tattooed on his neck looking at me and I'm scared to move.

43:48 David Alan Grier Let me tell you, I saw two elephants going at it. That is a humbling experience.

43:52 Oh, really?

43:53 Adam Even for a black dude?

43:54 Caller Ah, yes, especially for me because, you know, I know how to sling it, baby!

43:59 David Alan Grier Now, first of all, that's purely a myth, a myth that I hope lives on.

44:03 Drew There's a wives tale out there that black males have larger penises.

44:06 David Alan Grier That's true, that's true. It's not the length, it's the girth, ladies. It's the girth.

44:10 Adam Oh, is that what you guys got? I think you may have some length, too.

44:13 Caller Look at the stem, baby.

44:15 Adam Kelly?

44:16 Yes?

44:17 Adam You're 29.

44:19 Caller Yes.

44:19 David Alan Grier Thank God, an adult. Kelly, talk to me, baby. What's going on with you?

44:23 Adam What is that?

44:24 Caller Okay.

44:25 I've been writing this guy for two years. In the last year, we kind of started falling in love. And I want to know if it's possible to fall in love with somebody that you've never met, but you talk to them on the phone and through letters.

44:43 Adam It is in the movies, but not in real life.

44:45 David Alan Grier No, that's not true. That's not true. But why haven't you seen him? Why haven't you met him?

44:48 Adam Only if you're real desperate.

44:49 David Alan Grier He's in jail. Is he in jail?

44:52 Yeah.

44:53 David Alan Grier Oh, my God. Why are you going to fall in love with somebody in jail?

44:56 I don't know.

44:57 David Alan Grier Yeah, you do know.

44:59 I have no idea. He's just a really sweet guy.

45:02 Drew What's he in jail for?

45:03 Caller He took a rap for somebody else.

45:05 Drew Oh, of course. What's the rap? Yeah, yeah. What's the rap for the person?

45:09 Caller Theft.

45:10 Drew Theft with a weapon?

45:12 No.

45:13 Adam And why did he do that?

45:15 Because he don't rat on people.

45:17 Adam Oh, he's a good guy.

45:19 Caller Yeah.

45:19 David Alan Grier Have you ever dated a man who's been in prison before?

45:22 Caller My ex-husband was.

45:23 David Alan Grier Exactly. Well, you know, that's fine for you.

45:25 Drew And of course, he took a rap for somebody else, too, right?

45:28 Well, no. I mean, I was married to my ex-husband nine years.

45:32 Drew But he wasn't at fault for getting put in jail for it?

45:34 No.

45:35 Drew Yeah, of course not.

45:36 Adam Yeah.

45:36 Drew No.

45:37 David Alan Grier Well, she's doing fine, I'd say.

45:38 Drew Oh, Kelly.

45:39 Adam Hey, Kelly.

45:40 Caller What?

45:40 Adam First off, I can hear it in your voice. You're broken. I mean, you've had a tough life, right?

45:45 Caller Oh, yeah.

45:46 Adam You've been kicked around a little bit. Sounds like you swallowed a trash can lid. You know what I mean?

45:51 David Alan Grier I prefer to call Kelly's voice smoky and sexy. Okay.

45:56 Caller Yeah.

45:56 Adam Yeah.

45:57 Caller No.

45:57 Adam Graveling cancer is the way I would decide.

46:00 David Alan Grier Kelly, what's the kind of guy that you just don't go for? A guy with a good job, never been to prison, probably just wants to love you for who and what you are, and straight as an arrow, you wouldn't go for a guy like that?

46:10 Caller Well, yeah, I would.

46:11 But I'm not saying this guy is bad either.

46:17 Adam Kelly, why is this guy in prison?

46:20 He told me he was in there for theft, for somebody else.

46:24 Adam What did he steal? Allegedly, what did the other person steal?

46:29 Caller Drugs, I think.

46:30 Adam Stole some drugs.

46:33 David Alan Grier How did you meet the guy?

46:35 Through a friend that knew him.

46:37 Drew So your ex-husband was an addict also?

46:40 Caller Oh, yeah.

46:41 Drew So you got to have an addict. You got another addict on your hands.

46:44 David Alan Grier There you go.

46:44 Adam At least this one's locked up or he can't get to you. When's he getting out?

46:49 I don't know. He keeps on screwing up and going back.

46:51 Drew Oh, that's great.

46:52 David Alan Grier I say get married to him now.

46:53 Drew Well, I thought he took a rap for somebody else.

46:55 Adam Well, the other guy comes in, beats on one of the guards, and then sneaks back out.

46:58 Drew And then puts cocaine in his pocket.

47:00 Adam And he gets a rap for it.

47:01 David Alan Grier Let me ask the other question. How many kids you got, Kelly? I say three. I say one.

47:05 Adam One?

47:06 David Alan Grier OK. Here's what I would suggest.

47:08 Adam I would say get a basket and put it down the river. It would be raised by baboons that have a better chance.

47:13 David Alan Grier No. Listen, I believe in love, Kelly. I say get a conjugal visit.

47:16 Adam No.

47:17 David Alan Grier And immediately get impregnated by this man. And marry him and you'll live happily ever after.

47:22 Adam Kelly.

47:23 David Alan Grier Call me nuts. Call me crazy.

47:24 Adam Kelly, listen to me. How old is that kid he is?

47:26 Drew David, you're nuts.

47:28 She's seven years old.

47:29 Adam Seven years old. All right. You want you have she has three possible employment opportunities right now. Stripper, crack whore, welfare mom. Now, you can start doing your job, raising her, stop obsessing about guys in prison, and start focusing on your god damn kid. Would you please?

47:46 Drew And this guy...

47:47 Adam Get off the drugs and start being mommy. Be alone for a little while.

47:51 My life revolves around my daughter. It revolves around my daughter.

47:54 Adam Good. Listen, if your life revolves around your daughter, you wouldn't be thinking about hooking up with a guy who's in the joint.

48:00 Drew An addict.

48:01 Adam Who's going to come out and do something weird to your daughter.

48:03 Drew Absolutely.

48:05 Adam All right, mommy? Okay. All right. We'll take ourselves a little break.

48:10 David Alan Grier You know, Adam, I like when you get angry. You get excited, don't you? Bring some of that to the ring, my man.

48:14 Caller I'll beat you down.

48:15 Drew You guys have five minutes. Go ahead.

48:19 Caller Loveline, 1-800-LOVE-191. Back in a minute.

48:22 Adam Well, it's worth hearing. Yep, oh, it's Loveline. All right, we're gonna take a quick 10 second time out, we'll be back in just 10 seconds.

48:44 Caller This is Loveline on Radio Station.

48:49 Caller KROQ-UFM, Pasadena, Los Angeles.

48:52 Caller The world famous KROQ.

48:59 Adam Yeah, how about that one?

49:00 David Alan Grier I thought it was real.

49:01 Drew What was that?

49:02 Adam David Alan Grier, let me do what we call a radio reset in the show. David Alan Grier is our guest tonight. He's promoting an upcoming role.

49:10 David Alan Grier No, stop right there, mister. What I'm promoting is human kindness.

49:14 Adam That's right.

49:15 David Alan Grier I'm trying to heal these babies.

49:16 Adam While he's here, I am promoting Three Strikes, which is out in theaters on March 1st.

49:22 David Alan Grier Directed by the great DJ Poo.

49:25 Adam And he wrote it too, right?

49:26 David Alan Grier That's right, he co-wrote Fridays.

49:28 Adam Also, he'll be in Return of Me with Minnie Driver and David Duchovny, which is coming out April 7th. And an NBC show called DAG.

49:37 Caller DAG-A-RONI BABY!

49:39 Adam That's an acronym for David Alan Grier. And that you can look for sometime in the fall of 2000.

49:47 David Alan Grier It's beautiful, yes.

49:48 Adam Remember when the fall of 2000 was not this year?

49:52 David Alan Grier That's great. Should we take a call?

49:54 Adam No, I mean, it's just-

49:55 Drew Or it was next year.

49:56 Adam It still feels like next year to me.

49:57 Drew Yeah.

49:58 David Alan Grier Did you think something was going to happen on a millennium? I really thought so. I did.

50:01 Adam I was kind of hoping. Michael?

50:04 Caller Yeah.

50:05 Adam You're 18. What's up?

50:07 Caller How are you doing, Dr. Drew? I mean, I'm just kind of nervous, because it's my first time on Loveline. All right, Michael. Go ahead. Go ahead. OK. When I was born, I was born with one testicle. And as I got older, I realized that I couldn't produce a lot of sperm.

50:22 Drew How do you know that? Do you have a sperm count done?

50:24 Caller Excuse me?

50:24 Drew How do you know that? Did you have a sperm count done?

50:26 Caller Well, I masturbate sometimes, because I'm a Jew. And as a Jew, I can't have sex till I'm, you know, married.

50:34 Adam Wait a minute. As a Jew, you don't get sex after you're married, but you're allowed to get laid before.

50:37 Caller Oh, look out. Somebody's slinging them.

50:39 Caller But, you know, as a Jew, I abide by my own religion, because that's what the law is. Wait a minute.

50:44 David Alan Grier Can we take a time out? Are you saying, as a Drew?

50:47 Caller As a Jew? I mean, Drew.

50:48 David Alan Grier Oh, I thought as a Drew, meaning a member of Dr. Drew's family.

50:53 Caller Absolutely not.

50:54 Caller Oh, okay.

50:55 Caller Okay.

50:55 Drew Michael, did you, how did you know how much sperm is in your semen? Did you have a sperm count?

51:00 Caller You know, I masturbate once in a while at a porn movie, and I saw there was only little semen coming out.

51:05 Drew But how do you know how much sperm is in there?

51:07 Caller I don't know that.

51:08 Drew You don't know that. That's correct.

51:09 Caller I went to check myself out in a doctor, and they said already that, you know, you have a problem. And I'm also kind of skeptical.

51:15 Drew What's the problem?

51:16 Caller Excuse me?

51:16 Drew What's the problem, they said?

51:17 Caller Well, you know, if I get kind of older, I don't know if I'm going to have kids or not, or maybe you know.

51:21 Drew They did a sperm count?

51:22 Caller Well, yeah.

51:23 Drew They did a sperm count.

51:24 Caller What do you mean a sperm count? Tell me specifically what that is.

51:26 Drew Hold on.

51:28 Adam We get the world's dumbest chew on the phone.

51:30 David Alan Grier Hold on. Let's correct this, because a lot of the kids out there need to know. Now, Dr. Drew, if I'm not mistaken, a sperm count is when you're jizzing a cup.

51:36 Drew Yes.

51:36 David Alan Grier And there's a little guy there with tweezers and a microscope, and he counts those little tadpoles.

51:40 Drew That's right.

51:41 Caller Exactly.

51:41 Drew Eye dropper, not tweezers. That's right.

51:44 Caller One, two, three.

51:45 Caller Oh, wait. I'm just kidding.

51:46 Drew One potato.

51:47 Adam One, two. Wait.

51:48 David Alan Grier Okay.

51:48 Adam Wait. Well, then they ask Mr. Al, a one, two.

51:52 Caller All right.

51:53 Adam Oh, boy, is this guy thick.

51:54 David Alan Grier I know.

51:55 Adam Hey, Michael.

51:56 Caller Yeah.

51:56 Adam Well, what's up with you? You're Jewish. You're supposed to be smart.

51:59 Caller Oh, yeah.

52:00 Caller So that doesn't necessarily matter.

52:02 Adam No, I'm telling you, it makes a difference. All the Jews I know are smart.

52:05 Caller Oh, I'm a smart Jew, but maybe not in the sex field.

52:08 Adam No kidding. Hey, David.

52:09 Caller Yeah.

52:10 Drew How many times have I opened the wallet? Here's the problem, Michael. Michael, here's the problem. Cut them off. Did you say something about having just one testicle? Yeah.

52:16 Caller Yeah. That's what I said.

52:17 Drew Okay. The other one is inside your abdomen. It can become cancerous. It has to be taken out.

52:22 Caller Does it really?

52:22 Drew Why did the doctor talk to you about that?

52:24 Caller Well, you know, the doctor said it can become cancerous, but...

52:27 Drew All right. Take that. That's got to come out. That has got to come out. And it has nothing to do with your sperm count, your sperm production. You can function fine with one testing.

52:37 David Alan Grier Hey, let me ask you a question, man. When you're hanging out in the old steam room, is it lopsided down there? Can't you get a marble or something put in there to make it hang right?

52:43 Drew Yep.

52:44 Adam Yep.

52:44 Caller Well, I mean, you know, the doctor once told me that you can have another fake one put in there. But then I said, you know, I'm too young. I'd rather not do it.

52:51 Drew Michael, you've got to get this thing out of there. The one that's in your abdomen.

52:54 Caller Are you sure it's in there?

52:56 Drew Yes.

52:57 Caller When they did a test, they couldn't detect where it is. I mean, they couldn't detect it at all. They did, you know.

53:02 Drew That actually could be a bad sign. They become what's called streak. And that can be bad.

53:07 Adam Streak? What does that mean?

53:09 David Alan Grier Michael, what Dr. Drew is trying to tell you, you may have six months to live. Go out and get laid.

53:12 Drew No, I'm not saying that. Go make sure you get this taken care of as per whatever the assertions tell you. Do it.

53:17 Adam Jim.

53:18 Drew Yeah.

53:19 Adam You're 17.

53:20 Drew Yeah. What's up?

53:21 Caller First of all, I want to say what's up to my days.

53:23 Adam Thank you.

53:25 Caller Yeah, so I have an ex-girlfriend.

53:28 Adam Yeah.

53:29 Caller And she's stalking me.

53:31 Adam Right.

53:32 Caller It's like she would like drive up in front of my house and like call me on her cell phone.

53:37 David Alan Grier How many times a day does she call?

53:39 Caller Like two.

53:40 Caller Why do you take her calls?

53:41 David Alan Grier No, wait a minute, wait a minute. Two times a day. Stalking man.

53:44 Caller No, like she would like drive in front of my house and like call me up from the cell phone and like say that she's there and then just like drive off.

53:50 Adam OK.

53:50 Drew Can you avoid her calls somehow? Change your phone number?

53:55 Caller Uh, I've never.

53:57 Adam Listen, Jim, you got to be able to get rid of a girl.

54:00 Caller Yeah, I mean.

54:01 Adam Can't figure that out.

54:03 David Alan Grier Well, you know what, guys? I think I need to talk to both of you knuckleheads. You know, when I first came to this place, this was a sacred place, you were energized, you were excited by talking to these sick, deranged young people. Now, I see Dr. Drew's rubbing his head, you're picking your nose, you know, telling people, shut up. Oh, get rid of your disease, your knuckleheaded ex-wife.

54:25 Caller Guys, let's focus in.

54:27 Adam You're right.

54:27 Caller Let's try and give these young people some love and some caring the way you used to do four or five years ago when you weren't big shots with your books and your man show and your computer talk thing.

54:39 Caller That's my main main main name.

54:40 Caller That's right.

54:41 Adam Before it became mayonnaise. All right, David is right. Drew, I'm willing to recommit to the show for the next 10 minutes. What about you?

54:48 David Alan Grier Hands together, man.

54:49 Adam Come on.

54:49 David Alan Grier Hands together, baby.

54:53 Adam Oh, man. All right.

54:54 David Alan Grier I'm healing the babies tonight.

54:55 Adam I'm going to talk to Marvin over here. Excuse me.

54:58 David Alan Grier I think it's I want to talk to Marvin. That's the new Adam.

55:02 Adam I want to talk to Marvin.

55:03 Drew Did dad finally get you to take therapy? Is that what happened, David?

55:06 David Alan Grier I've been in therapy.

55:07 Caller I can tell.

55:07 Adam This is Adam. How can I help you, buddy?

55:10 Caller Yeah, my hair is I got hair kind of like Adam. It's part nappy, part wavy hair.

55:16 Adam Yeah.

55:18 Caller Hey, how you doing? Ooh, look at your hair.

55:21 Adam And you get the neck rash, do you?

55:23 Caller Yeah.

55:24 Drew And you shave.

55:24 Caller Really bad shaving bumps.

55:26 Caller The only problem is that I'm kind of I'm brown.

55:30 Caller I'm African American and I'm like probably light brown.

55:33 Adam I know. I'm the only white guy on the planet who gets a neck rash.

55:36 David Alan Grier Well, you better stop right there. Maybe you're not all white, Adam.

55:39 Caller Someone could have jumped the fence, brother.

55:41 Adam Yeah, of course.

55:41 Caller Somebody could have jumped that back fence.

55:43 Adam The penis is all white. Well, I don't know. There could have been a prison break. You're right.

55:48 Caller I'm your daddy.

55:52 Adam Well, listen, a black guy gets a neck rash. It's no problem. You don't have the pink skin like I have. It doesn't show up on him.

55:59 Drew This looks a little darker.

56:00 Caller Well, the thing is, it looks really bad on me because I'm light brown.

56:04 Adam Okay.

56:05 Drew You got to get the laser.

56:06 Adam No, no.

56:06 David Alan Grier You got to get the laser or the funky face will get you a real cool girlfriend to pick your ingrowns.

56:13 Drew Why can't you get the laser?

56:14 Caller Because it will show discoloration.

56:16 Adam Yeah, you can't do it on the black guys. It makes them white.

56:19 David Alan Grier Yeah, but you know what? You got to find the right doctor because I have a dermatologist here in town. They specialize in ethnic skin. That's not only African-Americans, Mediterranean, Hispanic, Asian people. Yeah, and scarring. They can really hook you up. It's going to cost you thousands of dollars, brother. So you might want to, you know.

56:37 Adam David, you get that neck rash?

56:38 David Alan Grier I don't. Why not? Well, among other blessings, God has chosen not to give me that.

56:44 Adam Son of a bitch. I'm a white guy.

56:45 David Alan Grier No, sometimes I get one or two, but I don't get like a lot of them.

56:48 Adam All right. Marvin, I have done extensive experimentation in this department, and I'm going to tell you how to correct this problem.

56:58 Caller Thank you, my brother.

56:59 Adam Thank you. Here's how it works.

57:01 Drew First off, hold on.

57:04 Adam Drew, you shut up. Okay. Drew's got to jump in, doesn't he?

57:08 David Alan Grier Excuse me.

57:09 Adam He's got to play die. Okay. Hey, brother, I'm here to help tonight.

57:12 David Alan Grier There you go.

57:13 Adam Marvin, forget all that over-the-counter junk. They talk about bump away and bump off and bump yourself and all that other stuff. Now, that's no good. Here's the way to get rid of the neck rash. Now, you're never going to get rid of it. You're just going to control it.

57:26 Caller Okay.

57:27 Adam And I'm going to tell you how to do that.

57:28 David Alan Grier Let me just jump in for real quick.

57:29 Adam Yeah.

57:29 David Alan Grier What do you shave with?

57:32 Caller Gillette sensor.

57:33 David Alan Grier No, you can't do that. You cannot shave with that. Here's what I shave with. I shave with an electric shaver.

57:39 Caller No.

57:39 David Alan Grier No, but listen to me. Hold on, brother. Hold on. What it is is a clipper that's used to edge your neckline. What it does is it doesn't take the hair follicle all the way down to the skin. You're not going to get as close a shave, but you want to keep that hair follicle just...

57:56 Drew How many times a day do you shave?

57:57 David Alan Grier I can shave twice a day. But it doesn't bring the hair follicle down so you get an ingrown hair. That's what you need. Yeah. Look at this. Smooth and lovely. The ladies love it.

58:06 Drew That's right.

58:07 David Alan Grier You got to go to the store and get this little, little thing.

58:10 Drew Like they use on a dog.

58:11 Adam It's fairly solid.

58:12 David Alan Grier No, like they use on a human being, my racist friend.

58:14 Adam Yes.

58:16 David Alan Grier Dr. Drew, that's why I won't do your little internet show.

58:18 Adam You're calling black men dogs, Drew?

58:20 Drew No, it's true.

58:20 David Alan Grier Adam has a TV show and now you're race-baiting.

58:23 Drew They're dog flippers.

58:24 Adam All right, Marvin. They're not.

58:25 Caller They're for human beings, Dr. Know-It-All.

58:28 Adam You guys give me 45 seconds alone with Brother Marvin over here. Marvin, listen, David is right and I will give you a technique as well. He is right. You don't want to shave against the grain. A number one. Now, here's a problem. Your hair grows in many different directions. You have to find out which direction is where. It may grow one direction on your cheek and one direction on your neck. It grows a little different direction around your anus apple, and that's why everyone gets that along the neck. You must shift the razor and go the direction that the hair is growing. That is A, number one. B, number two, before you shave, and even once a day, you got to get yourself some of that crushed up pumice scrub stuff, that apricot seed stuff. Put it on a wash rag and scrub that neck. You scrub off all the dead skin cells and the hair gets freed up. It doesn't get buried under there. It doesn't grow in. And here's the last thing. Before, shave before you go to bed at night, and then take a nice big dallop of oxy-10 and just take it on that area. It dries it up. It doesn't let it get all weird and infected. I don't know why this worked. No one told me about it. I just stumbled onto it myself. Just take a nice big blob of that zit cream, benzoyl peroxide, and just rub it in that area and go to bed at night with that crap on there. I'm telling you, it'll decrease it markedly.

59:51 Caller Do you do that every day?

59:53 Adam I don't shave every day, but when I do, I always do.

59:56 David Alan Grier That's another thing, don't shave every day.

59:58 Adam Shave every other day. All right, Marvin, call us back. Tell me how it went. Cool, man. Wait a minute. If it doesn't go well, don't call back. Oh, I will. All right. Thanks, Marvin. Take care. Let's see who else we can help tonight. Drew, what do you say?

1:00:10 Drew Sure.

1:00:10 Adam Susan.

1:00:10 Drew I'm glad we spent 20 minutes on shaving. Shut up.

1:00:13 Caller Susan.

1:00:14 David Alan Grier Yes.

1:00:14 Adam You're 30.

1:00:15 David Alan Grier Yes.

1:00:16 Adam What's up?

1:00:17 David Alan Grier Wait. She said that like it was so bad. She was like, yes.

1:00:20 David Alan Grier No, it's not bad. But actually I'm calling because one of my best friends lives in the building next to me. We live on the first floor and one day I was cleaning and I was doing an intense cleaning, like taking blinds and stuff off. Apparently she didn't have her shades closed down enough. I saw her dog going down on her. Okay. Looking there. Now I'm actually grossed out and I mean like, how could I go about telling this woman, you know, do you have to say something to her? I don't know, but it's just like, I don't want to be her friend now because I saw her doing that. It's like I feel awkward and she comes to my house often. Children.

1:00:59 Drew Did you?

1:01:01 Caller Dogs gotta eat.

1:01:02 Drew Did you stand there and watch?

1:01:04 David Alan Grier Did I stand there and watch? No way.

1:01:06 David Alan Grier Well, what kind of dog does she have?

1:01:08 Drew I wonder if you really saw her correctly.

1:01:10 David Alan Grier A small mutt.

1:01:12 David Alan Grier But wait a minute. Yeah, what Dr. Drew is asking is, did you stand there long enough to really see exactly what the dog was doing?

1:01:20 David Alan Grier Well, if she's sitting right across from the window on her couch with her legs open and the dog was in between them.

1:01:26 David Alan Grier No underwear. You could see that she had no underwear.

1:01:28 David Alan Grier Oh, no, I didn't see that.

1:01:29 David Alan Grier Well, then you didn't see enough. Yeah.

1:01:31 Adam Well, you saw close to enough. And listen, by the way, if I scratch my ass, I'll draw the blinds.

1:01:38 David Alan Grier Yeah.

1:01:39 Adam I mean, I'll close the curtains. I'm not going to open the... I mean, why would the curtains open when the dog is going down on you? That's not you. I mean her. That's a little weird.

1:01:46 Drew So I wonder if she maybe spilled some food down there or something. Who knows?

1:01:49 David Alan Grier That's what I'm saying.

1:01:50 Adam Does she have any kids?

1:01:52 David Alan Grier Maybe she had some outpour there. No, she doesn't.

1:01:54 David Alan Grier Well, you know what I would do? And before you cut her off, maybe you have to find out really what's going on. Because it sounds like...

1:02:01 Adam Yeah, but how are you going to find that out?

1:02:04 David Alan Grier If she asks, or maybe she'll tell her.

1:02:06 David Alan Grier Well, maybe if I... I don't know.

1:02:08 David Alan Grier Hey, guys, maybe I'm from planet Mars, but on my planet, we have a thing called truth.

1:02:13 Adam Yeah. Well, that's on Mars. Say what you believe, Mr....

1:02:16 Drew We have an appointment back on Earth right now.

1:02:18 Caller Oh, Mr. Dr. Drew.

1:02:20 Adam Listen, you'd have a better chance of getting it out of the dog than you would getting it out of her. Now, is she a single woman?

1:02:29 David Alan Grier No, she's not.

1:02:30 Adam She got herself a man? Yes, she does. But no kids?

1:02:35 David Alan Grier No, she can't have any.

1:02:36 David Alan Grier Look, I'm gonna tell you right now. You told somebody else about this. I could tell it in your voice. No, she doesn't.

1:02:42 Caller Yes, she does.

1:02:43 David Alan Grier Well, of course. I told my sister.

1:02:45 David Alan Grier Exactly. Why are you telling on this girl?

1:02:48 David Alan Grier Huh?

1:02:48 David Alan Grier Talk to her. Is she a really good friend?

1:02:51 David Alan Grier Yeah, she is.

1:02:52 David Alan Grier Just, you know what you have to do? I'm gonna give you some advice. If you want to know what's really going on, be a little deceptive. You know, you start the conversation like it's cool. You're very open-minded. You wouldn't, you know, you know, hey, what's going on? You get her in a trust situation and find out what's up.

1:03:05 Drew I think this is Susan's mind distorting what she saw. Really?

1:03:09 David Alan Grier I do too.

1:03:09 Caller I went to Dr. Drew on that.

1:03:10 David Alan Grier Ah, you guys are bugged out. No way.

1:03:12 Drew No, I think you did.

1:03:14 David Alan Grier How did you know? If you don't know she even had underwear on, if this was an illegal act, you couldn't call the police.

1:03:20 Caller They would kick you out of court.

1:03:22 Drew She spilled some Cheetos down there or something.

1:03:23 David Alan Grier She's the type of person, sometimes we're talking through our bathroom windows cause our bathroom windows are like tall, are high.

1:03:31 Caller And sometimes she'll say, Hey, this is like a cat on a hot tin roof or something.

1:03:36 David Alan Grier Yeah, this is this is Peyton Place.

1:03:37 Adam Hey, Susan, yeah. Do you know why she's sterile? Is it because of the parvo?

1:03:44 David Alan Grier Actually, she was born with a male organ and I know that they operated on her when she was smaller and stuff.

1:03:53 Drew Wait a minute.

1:03:54 Adam Now, now this explains a little something with the dog.

1:03:57 David Alan Grier No, it doesn't.

1:03:58 Drew No, wait a minute here. Wait a minute. Was she a male that they converted to a female or did she?

1:04:03 David Alan Grier I think she had a little bit of both.

1:04:05 David Alan Grier Like her mafriditis.

1:04:06 Drew Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

1:04:07 David Alan Grier She comes from a country where in that town they have a lot of that.

1:04:12 Drew What?

1:04:13 David Alan Grier Yeah, in Plates and Santo Domingo.

1:04:15 Adam Canada? Where?

1:04:17 David Alan Grier Santo Domingo.

1:04:18 Adam Santo Domingo.

1:04:20 David Alan Grier She's Dominican.

1:04:20 Drew This is getting really interesting.

1:04:21 David Alan Grier Is she Dominican, baby?

1:04:22 David Alan Grier Yeah, she is.

1:04:23 David Alan Grier But you're not Dominican, are you?

1:04:24 David Alan Grier No, I'm a Cubie, baby.

1:04:26 David Alan Grier Exactly.

1:04:27 Caller This is a clear sign of racism. Cut her off.

1:04:31 Drew Wait a minute.

1:04:32 Caller I love my Dominican people.

1:04:35 Drew Her...

1:04:35 David Alan Grier Mira, mira, chica.

1:04:41 Drew This is fascinating. Listen to me. So, now, wait a minute. So she may have been a male. You know, what is she genetically?

1:04:52 David Alan Grier Oh, a female.

1:04:53 Drew She's a genetic female.

1:04:54 David Alan Grier He has a man, and I know, I mean...

1:04:56 Adam Well, there's men who climb on anything, honey.

1:05:00 Caller She told you all this?

1:05:02 David Alan Grier Actually, she tells everybody this.

1:05:04 Drew What does she exactly tell you?

1:05:06 David Alan Grier No, she was just, she's always told us. I've known her for years.

1:05:09 Drew What? Tell me what she tells you.

1:05:10 David Alan Grier The way she was born, that she was born with, you know, with the two...

1:05:15 Drew Well, there's something called ambiguous genitalia.

1:05:17 Adam I think I have that.

1:05:18 Drew And in the old days, they used to sort of pick whichever one was most there and convert to that and not really pay attention to the genetics.

1:05:25 David Alan Grier I think that's what it was.

1:05:26 Drew And you can end up with males that are looking like females on the outside.

1:05:30 David Alan Grier Well, she's hairy, I'll tell you that much. She's a pretty woman, but she is hairy.

1:05:36 David Alan Grier You'd think you were a dog, would you?

1:05:38 Adam Hey, Susan, you know, I told you I had at myself twice before I left for the show tonight. You what? You just killed the hat trick.

1:05:45 Caller You understand?

1:05:47 David Alan Grier Sorry, Charlie.

1:05:50 David Alan Grier Adios, Amiga.

1:05:51 David Alan Grier What if I tell her about something?

1:05:53 Adam I don't know. Why, what did you do?

1:05:54 David Alan Grier You have to gain her trust if you want the truth.

1:05:56 Adam What is it you want to do?

1:05:57 David Alan Grier Can't she even get diseases like that?

1:05:59 Adam I'll tell you, you want to get her to tell the truth?

1:06:02 David Alan Grier What?

1:06:02 Adam This is real diabolical, but I swear to God, this is how you do it.

1:06:05 David Alan Grier Oh, crap.

1:06:06 Adam Are you ready?

1:06:07 David Alan Grier Yeah.

1:06:07 Adam You say to her, listen, what's her name?

1:06:10 David Alan Grier Make up a name.

1:06:11 David Alan Grier I'm going to make up a name.

1:06:13 Adam All right, whatever.

1:06:13 David Alan Grier Marie.

1:06:14 Caller Marie.

1:06:15 Adam I just met a girl or guy named Maria.

1:06:20 David Alan Grier All right, you say to her, that wasn't an least bit funny.

1:06:22 Adam Listen, Marie, I know this is going to sound weird, but you're a good friend. I think I can confide in you. I once blew a parrot. And then just give her a beat. And if she did something with the dog, she'll say it.

1:06:36 Drew Susan seemed to indicate that she had some weird stuff she could trade off. Did you hear her say that?

1:06:39 Adam Yeah, trade off something or make up something. If you want to get someone to admit something, say something really bizarre and embarrassing about yourself, then they'll come forward with that and then you laugh and yell you're lying. There you go. Alright, we'll take a little break. David Alan Grier is here tonight and we'll be back after this.

1:07:00 Caller Love Line with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

1:07:06 Adam It's Love Line. I'm Adam Corolla. This is Dr. Drew. David Alan Grier is our guest tonight. Phone number 1-800-L-V-E-1-9-1. David can be seen in Three Strikes, which is coming up March 1st and then another movie, April 7th, which is called Return to Me. Is that dramatic?

1:07:26 David Alan Grier Well that's what we call, that's a date movie, brother. That's a romantic comedy, you know. I play the best friend, you know, the black guy going, if you don't date her, you're crazy.

1:07:34 Adam Right.

1:07:35 Caller Would you get out of the house? Come on man, there's a great girl there and she loves you.

1:07:40 David Alan Grier You know, stuff like that. Cool boy.

1:07:41 Adam Yeah. And is that to David Duchovny?

1:07:43 David Alan Grier Yes, it's to David Duchovny, my homie.

1:07:46 Caller David, what's up?

1:07:47 Adam And he's in the mini-driver?

1:07:50 David Alan Grier He does, he falls in love with her and stuff. And she doesn't use that limey accent either in this movie. She's like all Americanized acting and stuff.

1:07:57 Adam Where did you film it? Canada?

1:07:59 David Alan Grier We filmed it in Chicago. Beautiful, beautiful Chicago. During the summer it was great. Yeah, but it was so great.

1:08:06 Caller Aren't you from? I'm from Detroit.

1:08:10 David Alan Grier You know where I'm from? I'm from a town called None of Your Damn Business.

1:08:13 Adam Sorry, brother.

1:08:13 David Alan Grier Now let's stick to these calls.

1:08:15 Adam All right, but we're still going boxing, right?

1:08:16 David Alan Grier We are, and I'm going to call you back. The world is my witness. I'm very hard at making friends. It's very hard. Don't you agree, Dr. Drew, the older you get, people calling you, hey, man, what's the thing out? You're like, who is this man? Well, you are because you're addicted to your work.

1:08:31 Adam Stop pushing me away, though. Stop pushing me out of your life.

1:08:35 David Alan Grier I'm sorry.

1:08:35 Adam Nikki?

1:08:36 Yeah?

1:08:36 Adam You're 24.

1:08:37 Caller Yeah.

1:08:38 Adam What's up?

1:08:39 Caller Well, okay. Yesterday, I had just got a sample of the new Trojan Superconductor condoms because I figured out that the normal latex condoms, they burn and sting me. And my boyfriend tried it and it started burning and stinging him. So we-

1:09:01 Adam Maybe it was on inside out.

1:09:03 Caller No, I made sure that. I'm the one who put it on.

1:09:05 Adam I was just making a joke.

1:09:06 Caller Okay.

1:09:07 Adam All right.

1:09:08 Caller I've tried the nor plant that really screwed my system. I don't want to get on birth control because I have heart problems and I smoke.

1:09:19 Drew What is your heart problem?

1:09:21 Caller Huh? What? I was born with a heart murmur.

1:09:24 Drew Due to what?

1:09:26 Caller I don't know that. My mom just told me I had a heart murmur when-

1:09:29 Drew All right, so you need to have that evaluated to see if you still have any valve dysfunction, but that does not preclude you from taking the birth control pill.

1:09:36 Caller Oh, okay.

1:09:36 Drew You're under 35, so smoking obviously is not a good idea, but it doesn't add the added risk that you have to worry about over 35.

1:09:43 Caller Okay.

1:09:43 Drew So the pill's fine for you.

1:09:45 Caller Oh, okay, cool.

1:09:45 Drew But you need to stop smoking. You need to stop smoking, provided you get the echocardiogram to make sure your heart valve is-

1:09:51 Caller Yeah, and I promised Adam, my boyfriend Adam, that I would tell Adam that he loves your show, he loves everything you do.

1:09:59 Drew Do you have asthma, Nikki? Yeah. Do you have asthma and you smoke?

1:10:03 David Alan Grier Oh, yeah, my girlfriend does.

1:10:04 Caller I don't have asthma.

1:10:05 Adam You don't have asthma.

1:10:06 David Alan Grier How much do you smoke a day, baby?

1:10:07 Caller Huh?

1:10:08 David Alan Grier How much do you smoke a day?

1:10:09 Caller Um, half a pack to a pack.

1:10:11 David Alan Grier You liar. How much do you smoke a day?

1:10:14 Caller Half a pack to a pack.

1:10:15 Caller How much do you smoke a day?

1:10:17 Caller Half a pack to a pack.

1:10:18 David Alan Grier All right, no further questions.

1:10:19 Adam The packs she buys have 55 cigarettes in them, though. All right, Nikki.

1:10:23 David Alan Grier Doesn't she sound really together and stuff?

1:10:25 Caller Yeah.

1:10:26 David Alan Grier She's crazy. Listen, let me ask you something. My favorite condom was Ramsey's.

1:10:31 Drew I bet they could try the polyurethane condoms, too.

1:10:33 David Alan Grier Was it? Is it Ramsey's? It's like in a silver box and all of a sudden, they're gone.

1:10:38 Drew Oh, and now it's all directs.

1:10:40 David Alan Grier But the Ramsey's, they don't even make them anymore.

1:10:42 Drew It's all directs. They fold it all into the same brand, directs.

1:10:44 David Alan Grier Oh, I'm sorry.

1:10:45 Adam Hey, David, I got a buddy who can still get you some.

1:10:47 David Alan Grier Those fit, because you got to get the right thickness. And you know what I mean? The thickness, because some of them feel are thicker than the other. And some of them are so thin, it's like putting on cellophane.

1:10:55 Adam Now, see, a lot of guys want the thinness for the sensation, but I want the thickness for the width.

1:11:02 David Alan Grier Well, I want something thin enough that I can feel something, but not so thin. Literally, I've put on condoms that were like, they just like crumple in your hair, all like balled up in your hand. You can't make them work.

1:11:13 Adam Yeah, you need a little something to work with.

1:11:15 David Alan Grier I myself, I use the magnum.

1:11:17 Caller Talk about you, Adam.

1:11:19 Adam I use a magnum, but I just use the end of it. I just use the reservoir at the end.

1:11:26 David Alan Grier You stuff all your package in there.

1:11:27 Adam Yeah, but off the magnum, it's the perfect size.

1:11:30 David Alan Grier There you go.

1:11:31 Adam Sarah?

1:11:32 Caller Yeah.

1:11:32 Adam Yeah, what I'll do is I'll pull it all the way up to the reservoir and just tie the rest around my ass.

1:11:37 Caller Ha ha!

1:11:39 Adam What's up? You're 14, Sarah.

1:11:41 Caller Yeah, my boyfriend, when he broke up with me, he said it was because I was like too overweight, but it's like I'm 5'3, and I weigh 120, and my bra size is C38, so I didn't think I was that overweight, but then he kept telling me that I was. So, I went on a like a star diet, and when I'd eat, I'd throw up, and now, like when I throw up, I have a lot of blood.

1:12:06 Drew Bleeding when you vomit is a medical emergency.

1:12:09 Caller Really?

1:12:10 Adam That's bad news.

1:12:11 Drew Yeah, it's probably from a tear in your esophagus, and you can bleed to death in a few minutes with that. So, if that happens, you have to go to the emergency room.

1:12:19 Caller Really?

1:12:20 Adam How long have you been throwing up?

1:12:22 Caller Just like two weeks.

1:12:23 Adam Oh, all right. And you're doing it every day?

1:12:26 Caller Like every other day or any time I eat, and I haven't been eating too much.

1:12:30 Adam All right.

1:12:30 Drew You must stop. This is a potential.

1:12:32 David Alan Grier What is your weight? Do you know what your weight is right now?

1:12:34 Caller Like 115, 120.

1:12:36 Adam And what is up with your boyfriend that he said, I'm breaking up with you because you're fat?

1:12:40 Caller Well, he didn't say it straight out. He was like, he was such a jerk. I hated him so much, like after, because he was really sincere at first, and then after that, it was like when he broke up to me, he told my best friend, he's like, Oh, don't tell her this, but you know, I broke up with her because she was overweight, and like, you know, I'm really in love with you.

1:12:58 David Alan Grier Asshole. So hold on. So hold on. You hate him so much that now you're starving yourself and puking?

1:13:02 Caller No, I mean, it's like, it's like, you know, I, I was like, okay, I had something really good with him. And it's like, it, it was so bad that something that good could like be over because of that. It was like, I didn't want it to happen again.

1:13:15 David Alan Grier Right. Dr. Drew.

1:13:20 Adam Hey, Sarah. Uh-huh. You got to get yourself checked out because blood came out when you vomited. All right?

1:13:27 Caller All right.

1:13:28 Adam And number two, you got to stop doing this. And number three, you have to sort of get your life in order a little bit.

1:13:35 Caller Well, it's not really that bad.

1:13:37 Adam Nah, there's something, there's something going on. A guy broke up with you, told your best friend you were chubby and now you're spinning out of control. I mean, something's, you're not on solid ground here. Something's up.

1:13:49 Caller Well, it's not like really bad. It's like, you probably think it is, but it's not like that.

1:13:54 Drew Sarah, you've had a life-threatening complication already.

1:13:58 Adam Yeah.

1:13:59 Drew Okay, that's bad enough, okay?

1:14:00 Adam Alright, so what? Go to the hospital.

1:14:02 Drew Yeah.

1:14:03 Adam You gotta get checked out.

1:14:04 Drew Plus, she's gonna have electrolyte problems, could get heart problems, kidney problems from this.

1:14:08 David Alan Grier Guys, can we deal with my medical problems? Dr. Drew, I think I'm coming down with the flu now. I saw on TV that little thing that you spray in your mouth.

1:14:15 Drew Rilenza, it's great.

1:14:15 David Alan Grier Yeah, does that really work?

1:14:16 Drew Oh, it's awesome.

1:14:17 David Alan Grier Can you kick me down a prescription? Because it just started today. Come on, it's not addictive. Am I gonna get high off of it?

1:14:24 Adam Why do you need a prescription for that?

1:14:26 Drew It's antiviral medicine.

1:14:27 David Alan Grier What's wrong with it? Could you give me a prescription, please? And while you're at it, give me some Dilaudid, please.

1:14:33 Caller Dr. Drew, come on, I need it.

1:14:35 David Alan Grier Come on, give me the flu stuff.

1:14:37 Adam Drew, why stuff for a flu, though? Why is that a prescription? Because it's powerful, because what? What's the danger?

1:14:44 Drew Interaction with other medications.

1:14:45 David Alan Grier I'm not on any medication.

1:14:46 Drew They actually started having some problems this year. It created problems with people with asthma and lung disease.

1:14:51 David Alan Grier I don't have any of that. Please, may I have the prescription?

1:14:53 Adam You got something in your trunk, a sampler or something, don't you, Drew?

1:14:56 David Alan Grier Come on. Dr. Drew, come on. Hey, you're so...

1:15:00 Adam Yeah, he's tight. Rebecca?

1:15:03 Caller Yeah.

1:15:03 Adam You're 18.

1:15:04 Caller Hi.

1:15:05 Adam What's up?

1:15:06 Caller Since August, I've been ecstasy about seven times.

1:15:09 Adam Yeah.

1:15:10 Caller And I was wondering if, like, lately for the past couple of weeks, I've been kind of depressed and my boyfriend thinks it might be because of all the ecstasy I've done.

1:15:17 Drew It sure could be.

1:15:18 David Alan Grier How old are you? You're 18?

1:15:19 Caller Yeah.

1:15:20 David Alan Grier What does ecstasy do to you?

1:15:22 Caller It makes me feel good.

1:15:23 David Alan Grier I'm not talking to you, dear. I'm talking to the doctor.

1:15:25 Drew In terms of the damaging it does?

1:15:27 Caller Yeah.

1:15:27 Drew It's just, mood disturbances, panic attacks, they're very common. And they can be persistent and severe sometimes. Right.

1:15:34 Adam All right. So, so what should she do now?

1:15:36 David Alan Grier Take more ecstasy.

1:15:37 Adam Eh, seven times isn't a ton.

1:15:40 Drew Seven times is not a ton, but ecstasy is real unpredictable.

1:15:43 David Alan Grier Right.

1:15:43 Drew It's one of the ones.

1:15:43 David Alan Grier But what is actually in ecstasy?

1:15:45 Drew MDMA, which is an amphetamine that's been altered to give it hallucinogenic properties.

1:15:49 Adam It's real speedy. I'll tell you that.

1:15:52 David Alan Grier Did you do it?

1:15:52 Adam Yeah, I've done it twice.

1:15:54 David Alan Grier Have you?

1:15:54 Adam Yeah.

1:15:55 Drew Look how depressed he is.

1:15:56 Adam Yeah, I've done it twice in seven years.

1:15:59 David Alan Grier What about their new, they have Viagra, but they have this new one. I just was watching.

1:16:04 Drew Well, there's a few coming out there yet. What's the difference? It's just going to be other medicines that affect the nitric oxide pathways.

1:16:13 David Alan Grier And is it true that Viagra works the same on women too?

1:16:18 Drew It has some effect on women. There's anecdotes of women being able to have multiple orgasms, but it really, all it does is dilate arteries going into the penis.

1:16:26 David Alan Grier Or into the love spot.

1:16:28 Drew Yeah, but it's not that important.

1:16:30 Caller The glory hole, the twinkie hole, baby.

1:16:32 Caller Woo! The canyon.

1:16:36 Drew Taylor 21.

1:16:37 Adam What's going on?

1:16:39 Caller About three years ago, I became paraplegic from a heart injury.

1:16:44 Drew What injury?

1:16:45 Adam Heart?

1:16:46 Caller One of my aortas on my heart got torn off in a wave running accident, and so my legs were without blood for about, I'd say...

1:16:54 Drew Oh, so what happens is you get a tear in the aorta and it clips off the vertebral artery to your back.

1:17:00 Caller Yes.

1:17:00 Drew And then you get no blood supply to the spine.

1:17:02 Caller My legs, I can still feel them, but they just don't move.

1:17:05 Drew No motor.

1:17:06 Caller But since, my question is, since I've become paraplegic, I've become a lot more sensitive and I can ejaculate a lot more. I mean, sometimes, you know, eight, nine times instead of like once and then I'm done for the night, and I can sustain sex a lot longer. I'm wondering if that's normal.

1:17:26 Drew Wow. I'm trying to understand, can you have eight, nine orgasms?

1:17:30 Caller Yeah. It depends on how, you know, how long until I actually get into it.

1:17:36 David Alan Grier You're a paraplegic, right? That means no feeling of the waist below.

1:17:39 Caller No, I can feel everything.

1:17:40 Adam He doesn't have use of the legs.

1:17:41 Caller I can't move them, but I can feel them. And the feeling is a little bit numbed, like when your legs are coming out from being asleep.

1:17:47 David Alan Grier Are your muscles atrophied and everything?

1:17:49 Caller Yes.

1:17:52 Adam And, but you get an erection, you have an orgasm, and you have more than you did before.

1:17:57 Caller Yeah, I mean, it don't take much.

1:17:59 Drew That's not the routine thing. We were in Kentucky last week, and a kid in a wheelchair was saying he had erections, but no orgasms, so he didn't even try to have an orgasm, it seemed like.

1:18:09 Caller But could he, did he have any sensation?

1:18:11 Adam He didn't have sensation like you do.

1:18:13 Caller Yeah.

1:18:13 Adam Maybe you just have more orgasms because you've got more time on your hands now. You're hanging around the house.

1:18:19 Drew I'm getting a little bit more elated.

1:18:20 David Alan Grier Is this during sex with another person, or is this just when you're?

1:18:23 Caller Yeah, during sex with another person. I mean, sometimes even just like, you know, in the foreplay.

1:18:28 Adam Yeah.

1:18:28 Drew Wow.

1:18:29 Adam You have the same girlfriend?

1:18:30 Caller Yeah.

1:18:31 Adam That's good of her.

1:18:32 Drew Well, the system is quite different. I mean, a lot of this is mediated through spinal reflexes, so it makes sense that it would still.

1:18:38 Caller Even if it wasn't a spinal cord injury?

1:18:40 Drew You did have a spinal cord injury.

1:18:41 Caller No. What happened was it was from lack of blood to my legs.

1:18:47 Adam Was it lack of blood to the legs or the spinal cord?

1:18:50 David Alan Grier He said he ripped his aorta.

1:18:52 Caller I think it was like dorsal aorta or something like that.

1:18:54 Drew No, look, it's spinal. It's to your spinal cord is the problem. If it had been to your legs, your leg would be black and gangrene.

1:18:59 Caller Okay.

1:19:00 Drew Okay. It's a hip. It's an artery midway down your aorta that hits the lower part of the spine, that if it gets torn, the aorta gets torn, it can clip off that artery.

1:19:08 Adam Taylor, you do a fair amount of masturbating too?

1:19:11 Caller Oh, yeah.

1:19:12 Adam Hey. Hey, you know, it's rough, though. I mean, you know, being in a wheelchair and everything is clean up, isn't it?

1:19:19 Caller Not really, you know, because, I mean, I don't have to cath or anything like that.

1:19:22 Adam Right.

1:19:23 Caller So, you know, I got better than most, but...

1:19:25 Drew Right.

1:19:26 Adam No, you do. But what I'm saying is I'll squeeze one off in the shower every once in a while when I don't want to deal with the mess. You know what I mean?

1:19:32 Caller That's what I do anyways.

1:19:33 Adam Oh, in the shower?

1:19:34 Caller Close to the evidence, yeah.

1:19:35 Adam But you're sitting down, right?

1:19:36 Caller Yeah, in the shower chair.

1:19:39 Drew I understand it's a problem for you, but the rest of the males, it's all right.

1:19:41 Adam How do you get in that shower chair? Can you do it yourself?

1:19:43 Caller Yeah.

1:19:44 Adam And does that thing swing over to the tub?

1:19:46 Caller No, I just hop on the toilet and then hop into the bathtub.

1:19:49 Adam I see, on the shower chair.

1:19:51 Caller Yeah.

1:19:51 Adam Hey, you know what I got today, Taylor? You probably like it. I got my enema seat.

1:19:57 Drew Oh, no.

1:19:58 Adam In the mail. In the mail.

1:20:00 Drew It's been over a year.

1:20:01 Adam Two years in the making.

1:20:02 David Alan Grier Oh, my God.

1:20:04 Adam My buddies, the great Jimmy Kimmel and Daniel Kelson from The Man Show, Daniel's one of the executive producers for Christmas, ordered me a toilet seat that you hook on to your, you get rid of your old toilet seat, you bolt it on. It has buttons, it has a water feed, it has a bunch of devices.

1:20:23 Caller It's like a bidet.

1:20:25 David Alan Grier It's not an enema seat.

1:20:26 Adam It squirts that water right where it counts. Really? Nice and clean. You could eat off of my asshole.

1:20:32 David Alan Grier Why, did you have problems before?

1:20:34 Adam Nope.

1:20:35 Drew Your cleaning issues were there. You got a lot of hair there.

1:20:37 Adam I said it's like trying to get peanut butter out of shag carpet. But... Hey, well, you'll see when we hit the line. After we work out, David, when we hit the line...

1:20:50 Caller I'm sorry.

1:20:51 Caller I just...

1:20:57 Caller I just... I'm sorry, guys.

1:21:02 Caller Go ahead.

1:21:02 Adam David, when we hit the shower after we work out...

1:21:15 David Alan Grier Can I get some water, please?

1:21:17 Caller You okay, man?

1:21:51 Adam You okay, brother?

1:21:54 Caller All right, I'm fine, I'm fine.

1:21:56 Caller That is a great box.

1:22:01 Caller Why am I sorry?

1:22:02 Caller Oh, man.

1:22:05 Adam We can get them up in here. This is a mess.

1:22:07 Caller Oh, man.

1:22:09 Caller Oh, man.

1:22:09 Drew All because you brought up that toilet seat.

1:22:11 David Alan Grier Oh, just please don't say it again.

1:22:15 Caller Dave, it's just...

1:22:17 Adam You understand, it's Harry down there.

1:22:21 Caller Oh, please.

1:22:24 Caller I can't...

1:22:25 Caller I don't have anything left to give.

1:22:30 Adam Sometimes when I eat Mexican...

1:22:37 Caller I think I reach the bottom.

1:22:42 Caller Oh, sorry.

1:22:44 Caller Dr. Drew apologies all around.

1:22:46 Adam I'll have to use a moist towelette or something, you know, to really, really get in there or a bottle brush.

1:22:52 Caller Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Am I embarrassed here?

1:22:56 Caller Oh, guys.

1:22:58 Caller Well, this I'll stay after and shampoo the old carpet here.

1:23:01 Adam Oh, speaking of shampooing the carpet, I mean, I really get it caught up in there.

1:23:07 Caller Oh, stop!

1:23:13 Adam Oh, we'll be back.

1:23:20 Caller Love Line, with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew, we'll be right back before you know it.

1:23:41 Adam Yep, it is Love Line.

1:23:43 Drew So, did you put the seat on? Did you bolt it down?

1:23:45 David Alan Grier Boy, am I embarrassed. Guys, please, I can't. Hang on a second, man. Hold on a second.

1:23:48 Drew I want to hear if Adam had his first experience with this thing.

1:23:51 Adam David Alan Grier is our guest tonight. He's composed himself. We've cleaned up and aired the studio out.

1:23:56 David Alan Grier Thanks a lot, guys. Apologies all around, guys, because that has never happened to me before.

1:24:01 Adam He's in Three Strikes coming up on March 1st. What I was saying is my toilet seat finally came in. The one that gives you a little jet of water in the coolie there to really help you freshen up.

1:24:19 Drew You have to figure it out. It's all a blood.

1:24:21 Adam Now, I literally got it this afternoon at the office. It's in the trunk of my car and I've not hooked it up yet.

1:24:29 Drew You can't wait to get home.

1:24:30 Adam I sat on it out in the car, put it on my car seat. Obviously, there's no water hook up to it.

1:24:35 David Alan Grier In Japan, they have hot air that comes out.

1:24:38 Adam Really?

1:24:38 David Alan Grier Yeah. You can adjust the whole thing. Oh, no. Toilets. If you go to Japan, you can purchase a toilet that has hot air, a music, sound systems. They got scents that are dispensed after you do your business.

1:24:51 Adam Wow. You get the water and then the hot air for us?

1:24:54 David Alan Grier Yeah. It dries the old butt cheeks off there.

1:24:57 Adam Very nice.

1:24:58 David Alan Grier Beautiful.

1:24:58 Adam Very nice.

1:24:59 Drew It's like all the hand dryers you put on.

1:25:01 Adam Yeah, man.

1:25:02 David Alan Grier Yeah. Just to watch out. No, no. If the water is too hot, you'll pucker right up there, buddy.

1:25:06 Adam Really?

1:25:07 David Alan Grier Wow. Yeah, that could be a stinger.

1:25:09 Adam Yeah. I'll tell you because I got a little hair down there.

1:25:13 David Alan Grier I'm going to step out, guys, because I can't go through what just happened here.

1:25:17 Adam You fire up that soft swirl machine down there, and it's like running it through a dwarf's beard, and it gets a little messy down there.

1:25:28 Caller Oh, they're trying it.

1:25:29 David Alan Grier Okay.

1:25:31 Adam All right.

1:25:33 Drew All right, here we go.

1:25:34 Adam Ryan.

1:25:34 Drew Ryan is 19.

1:25:35 Caller Hey, what's up, guys?

1:25:37 Adam Hey, Ryan. What's up, Ryan?

1:25:38 Nice talking to you guys. Got really messed up last couple of days I came along here. Yesterday was Valentine's Day, and my girlfriend, who I've been thinking about dumping, told me she's pregnant.

1:25:48 Adam So you dumped her or she dumped you?

1:25:51 No, I've been thinking about doing it, and...

1:25:53 Adam Now she's pregnant?

1:25:54 Caller Yeah.

1:25:56 Adam Well, that's all right. You believe in reincarnation? I know you'll come back as something smarter.

1:26:01 Drew How pregnant is she, do we think?

1:26:03 What's that?

1:26:04 Drew How far along is she, do we think?

1:26:06 She doesn't quite know. She thinks around about six weeks.

1:26:09 David Alan Grier Do you know she's pregnant?

1:26:10 She says she thinks she is.

1:26:12 David Alan Grier All right, let me ask you one question. Did you have a talk with her and tell her, yeah, I think I want to dump you before she told you she's pregnant?

1:26:20 No, I haven't had that talk yet. It was Valentine's Day and all, and she hit me.

1:26:23 David Alan Grier Well, hold on. Let me ask you one more question. Did you tell your friends?

1:26:26 No, I didn't tell my buddies.

1:26:27 David Alan Grier So there's no way she could have found out that you were thinking about dumping her?

1:26:31 I don't think so.

1:26:31 Drew Did you think that was common?

1:26:33 Adam What were you using for birth control, anything?

1:26:36 Not really.

1:26:36 Adam All right.

1:26:36 She's pregnant.

1:26:37 Adam All right. She's pregnant. Now, do you think she wants to keep the child?

1:26:42 Caller I don't know how she feels about that. We really haven't discussed it.

1:26:46 Adam All right. Well, don't get into the whole breakup stuff. Just have a talk with her. See where she's coming from. But for now, put that whole breakup business on hold. You don't want to freak around and you don't want the baby to sort of become a bargaining tool.

1:27:00 David Alan Grier As a matter of fact, you know what you need to do? You need to go to the other extreme. You need to say, look here, baby, I love you so much. I can't wait to have children with you. But hey, let's do this right. Let's get this abortion and let's get married. I'm serious, dude. You better lie your butt off to get her to do something.

1:27:17 Adam I do agree with David on this one. Sean, you're 29. What's up?

1:27:23 Caller Well, real quick, Mr. Grier, I think you're an extremely entertaining entertainer. Sorry to repeat myself. I vote for you to replace Adam because I have a feeling Adam's not going to bring him around much longer on the show for some reason. That's just my gut feeling. So my problem is I got together with this girl this past weekend and I had unprotected sex with her. And I proceeded to ask her if she would take the morning after pill. And she hasn't done so yet, but she seems to think that she can take three standard birth control pills birth control pills in place of a morning after pill.

1:28:14 Drew Which pills should she have?

1:28:15 Adam It depends what pills she's taken, but you had sex over the weekend, right?

1:28:18 Caller Right, right. It was Sunday morning.

1:28:21 Drew So you've lost Sunday morning, Monday, Tuesday?

1:28:24 Adam I mean, Sunday, Saturday night kind of thing, late?

1:28:26 Caller Well, but yeah, it was like five in the morning.

1:28:29 Drew So you've got till five in the morning tomorrow. She took these pills already, right?

1:28:34 Caller Actually, I need to call her right after I talk to you to find that out. But I believe she has.

1:28:39 Drew Which pill are we talking about?

1:28:41 Caller I'm sorry?

1:28:41 Drew Which pill does she use?

1:28:43 Caller I don't know.

1:28:44 Drew Well, it depends which one she uses. All right.

1:28:45 Adam Well, tell Sean the pill that's going to work.

1:28:48 Drew She can use two-ovral or four-low-ovral, and then repeats that 12 hours later.

1:28:57 Adam Right.

1:28:57 Caller Okay. O-vral?

1:28:59 Drew Or low-ovral?

1:29:00 Caller That starts with an L.

1:29:02 Drew Low-ovral. Right.

1:29:03 Caller Okay.

1:29:04 Drew Low-ovral. Low-ovral is four tablets, and then repeat in 12 hours. O-vral is two tablets, and then repeat in 12 hours.

1:29:10 Caller You know what?

1:29:11 Adam I like those pain-relief commercials where the guy goes, I can take one Aleve once every 10 years, or I can take 28 Tylenol every 15 minutes. And again, it holds a handful of them out there.

1:29:25 Drew Right.

1:29:25 Adam I never quite buy those. You know what I'm talking about?

1:29:29 Drew Yeah, it's ridiculous. They're equating pharmacology with effectiveness and it doesn't make sense.

1:29:37 Adam It doesn't.

1:29:38 Drew No. All right. Hey, the pill only lasts four hours. So what?

1:29:42 Adam Shannon?

1:29:43 Caller Hi.

1:29:43 Adam You're 16?

1:29:44 Caller Yes.

1:29:45 Adam What's up?

1:29:47 Caller I was raped about a month ago and I don't know how to tell my mom. The reason why is because when I was a child I was severely molested nearly every day for about six years straight and I told her and she went into a deep depression and tried to commit suicide.

1:30:03 Adam Oh boy. What happened with the rape?

1:30:06 Caller I was visiting someone in Las Vegas.

1:30:08 Adam Oh yeah. I've been raped in Vegas a few times too. You know, I got like a 19 and the dealer's got 16 and they have to hit.

1:30:17 Drew Asshole.

1:30:18 Adam They keep going until they get to 20 or 21.

1:30:22 David Alan Grier Who molested you when you were a child? Was it your dad?

1:30:24 Caller My godfather who I lived with.

1:30:27 David Alan Grier Why did you live with your godfather?

1:30:30 Caller Because there's a lot of problems with my mom and not knowing who my real father is and everything. So at the time, my godfather was the one who was there for her.

1:30:40 David Alan Grier Have you had a pregnancy test yet?

1:30:43 Caller No.

1:30:43 David Alan Grier You've gone to see a doctor?

1:30:45 Drew How long ago did this happen?

1:30:46 Caller It was about three weeks ago.

1:30:48 Adam Who raped you in Vegas?

1:30:50 Caller I don't know.

1:30:51 Adam You don't know? Why not? I mean, just told a stranger?

1:30:55 Caller Yeah.

1:30:55 Adam Where were you?

1:30:56 Caller Um, I was waiting for a friend to come get me. And they showed up late, and this guy grabbed me, and I don't even know where he took me.

1:31:07 Adam How come? Where were you?

1:31:10 Caller I was standing outside of a sports bar.

1:31:13 Adam And a guy grabbed you and took you somewhere in his car?

1:31:16 Drew Like a knife point or something?

1:31:18 Caller Uh-huh. And he just left me there. Thank God. I mean, I'm so scared, like, for my life and everything, but...

1:31:27 Adam And then he just walked out?

1:31:29 Caller Yeah, he just left. And luckily, because I was... I know Vegas really well, I was able to get back to busy streets and find my way back to my friend's house, but I never said anything. I just told him that I got lost.

1:31:46 Adam Wow. Oh, boy. Well, Shannon, we know from doing this show that when someone gets victimized for a long time early on in life, somehow victimizers then sniff them out later on in life, and I'm sure that's what happened to you. Now, your mom is a real piece of work here, and your problem is, is you're shouldering a lot of burdens here. You have your step... What your step, I should say, Godfather did to you, then you have, you know, you don't want to tell her about this guy, and your mom is so precariously balanced emotionally that you're scared to treat her like a mom.

1:32:19 Drew Like an adult, right, but she's not going to be of much use to her either if she does tell her.

1:32:24 Adam Why tell your mom?

1:32:25 David Alan Grier Yeah, I don't really... I think what she needs to do is go to a doctor, get checked out, find out if you're pregnant, worry about telling your mom later. What you first need to do is worry about yourself and your health.

1:32:35 Drew And get in some help for the trauma, the abuse recovery.

1:32:39 Adam Shannon, you have to get some therapy, you have to get with a group, you have to talk to people, otherwise this stuff's going to keep happening.

1:32:46 Caller Well, actually, it's fine that you said that though because I just recently, three months ago, was my last therapy session for the last thing that went on for six years.

1:32:58 Drew How long were you in therapy for?

1:33:00 Caller I was in therapy for like nine months, I think.

1:33:05 Drew Hey, that's not even the beginning.

1:33:07 Adam Shannon, I've said this a bunch of times. Here's what happened to me in my childhood. My dad missed a couple of Pop Warner football games. I've been in therapy for seven years. Tell that brother. Still need another seven. Do you know what I'm saying? If I'd been molested as many times as you had, I'd probably move in and just have all my meals sent to the therapist's office.

1:33:28 Caller I actually did. I lived in a youth shelter.

1:33:30 Adam Well, there you go. Shannon, you need to get involved with groups. You need to talk to counselors. You need to get back to that. Absolutely. And you need to get yourself checked out at the doctor because of what happened. All right. We'll be back after this.

1:33:46 Drew We about to get funky, yo.

1:33:48 Caller This is Loveline, 1-800-LOVE-191. We'll be right back.

1:34:14 Adam Well, that is it.

1:34:14 David Alan Grier Let's take the next caller.

1:34:15 Drew No.

1:34:15 David Alan Grier I said let's take the next caller. I'm not done. Jill, you're 19. What's your problem? Jill, we lost her. Hit that button. Hit that button. Joey, Joey, you're 27. You're in prison. What's what seems to be the problem? You're having problems with your boyfriend. What? Go ahead.

1:34:29 Adam He can't help everyone but himself.

1:34:31 Caller Adam, press a button.

1:34:32 Drew Soft swirl.

1:34:33 David Alan Grier I'm going to throw up. I'm going to throw up again if you don't press it.

1:34:37 Caller Joey, you're 14.

1:34:38 Caller You're in a car. Tell me what your problem is.

1:34:40 Adam The problem is the movement isn't solid.

1:34:43 Caller Tony?

1:34:44 Adam That's the problem.

1:34:45 Caller Tony, can you hear me? Phoenix, you're 24. What's your problem?

1:34:49 Adam Putting an exhaust pipe right in the engine.

1:34:52 Caller Dr. Drew, what's the thing?

1:34:53 Drew The satellite's going to cuss all the time.

1:34:54 Adam David Alan Grier, everyone. Go out.

1:34:56 David Alan Grier Ricky, Ricky, you're 27.

1:34:58 Caller What's your problem?

1:34:59 Adam And until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying...

1:35:02 Caller Elizabeth.

1:35:03 Adam Mahalo.

1:35:04 Caller Thank God for Dr. Drew, not Dr. Adam.

1:35:08 David Alan Grier I don't see a doctor in front of your name, Mr. Big Mouth.

1:35:10 Adam Ha ha. Well now.

1:35:13 Caller The stuff expressed on Loveline is not necessarily the stuff of the staff, management, sponsors, or anyone else. Including Westwood One Entertainment. Loveline is produced by Ann Wilkins and Gold. Now, please enjoy these birds.

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Tuesday, February 15, 2000