Episode 1000754887673

0:01 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience.

0:03 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content. Listener discretion advised.

0:08 Voiceover Now, here's Loveline. 1-800-LOVE-191 with Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla.

0:14 Voiceover What are you insane?

0:29 Adam They're in their one moment in the sun is when they get to hit the stage in the auditorium in front of a thousand, two or three thousand kids and stand up there and make a couple of announcements and then bring out the hired celebrities, which in this case was Drew and myself. But we always give them the same advice when they ask us, how do you want us? How should we bring you out? Short and sweet, as quickly as possible. I always tell them it can get a little hostile up there.

0:54 Drew You know, they say no intros, just here they are.

0:56 Adam The Loveline crowd is not to see Everett Cooper, Maya Angelou crowd, right? They're slightly more for sure as cloud, a crowd, and they will heckle, not us naturally, because we're big stars, but the guy who comes out there and brings us out, there has been some heckling before. So anyway, we tell the guy short and sweet, and he starts reading our bio, and we say, no, no, no, don't even get into that. Dr. Drew went to the Little Lord Fauntleroy School for albino hemophiliacs, and then graduated and went to Amherst and went to USC. Don't get into all that. Adam Corolla did stand up at all the major this or that, or worked with the Groundlings or ACME comedy troupe. Believe me, they're going to start yelling stuff. Just bring us out. And I even use an example. I said, listen, if they were here to see a band, you wouldn't read off the resumé of whatever band. You're here to see Cheap Trick. I can't think of a band that exists after 1979. You're not going to talk about the names of all their albums or how many records they sold. You're just going to yell, ladies and gentlemen, Cheap Trick, and they'll scream and we'll walk out on stage. So he says, fine. So he goes out there naturally and he starts in. Now, first thing he does is he says, Dr. Drew got his masters, which is not on the paper, I don't believe, from USC. USC is not the University of Southern California when you're in the South Carolina. What university is it, Drew?

2:31 Drew University of Southern Carolina.

2:32 Adam Right, which is what? A rival.

2:35 Drew A rival.

2:35 Adam A big rival. So people start booing immediately because I think he went to Southern Carolina, which is tough to hit the stage on. But then he just keeps going and going and then, you know, people are like, hey fat ass sit down. He's undaunted, he's still going. He's not looking up from his note cards.

2:54 Drew Then we come out, he's got to keep going.

2:57 Adam Now we decided to put an end to it mercifully. We just came out on stage after a few minutes and decided to, you know, send him to the bullpen. But he wasn't finished. He had some announcements about where you could get mugs and people wanting to sign up at the activity center for next year's program and blah, blah, blah. So he stood there next to us. I had a microphone but he had Drew's microphone and he just stood there muttering, just muttering through.

3:27 Drew We had another weird experience. I was telling Ann that we were getting on a plane to go to Atlanta and we were on our way to Greenville, South Carolina near where Clemson is. We get on the plane and Alan Thicke walks up to us and goes, hey guys, how are you doing?

3:38 Adam In Los Angeles.

3:38 Drew Los Angeles. Where are you going? Greenville, South Carolina.

3:41 Adam That's right.

3:42 How weird was that?

3:43 Adam We traveled the Thicke's. You know you've arrived when the Thicke's are your traveling companions. Yeah, we got off the plane in Atlanta and got on another one for Greenville with the Thicke's. Alan seems like a very nice guy.

3:57 Drew Very nice guy. His wife is lovely too.

3:59 Adam Why shouldn't he be? He's like a 22 year old homecoming queen type. I mean she's like Miss USA or something. He's got to be 50 something. But he looks great.

4:10 Drew It's one of those where it's like, okay.

4:12 Adam Yeah, he looks like he's 28.

4:15 Drew Voted father.

4:16 Adam She's this big beautiful Amazon woman. They got this beautiful kid. He couldn't be happier. Wears like a golf hat and $300 sunglasses. And he's happy. He is enjoying himself. That Alan Thicke. We had to get him on the show one of these days. Find out what the hell he's doing. All right. Ready to move forward here, Drew?

4:34 Drew Let's go.

4:34 Adam Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Amelia.

4:40 Hey, how are you guys tonight?

4:41 Drew Good.

4:42 Adam You're 18 there.

4:43 Caller That's right.

4:44 Caller Yeah. The problem is I just discovered that I got crabs and I'm assuming it's from my boyfriend because I haven't been with anybody else.

4:53 Drew What do you mean you just discovered you got them? How did that happen?

4:56 Well, I noticed them on my body.

4:58 Drew You found crabs?

4:59 Caller Yes.

5:00 Drew Are they just in the pubic area? Are they anywhere else?

5:02 Caller They were.

5:03 Drew Okay.

5:04 Caller They were.

5:04 Adam You don't hear about crabs so much these days, do you? Do you think we've eradicated crabs?

5:10 Drew No.

5:11 Adam Well, obviously not. But, I mean, what I'm saying is the more we kill and the more effective we get at killing them, like, I don't know, rats or something in neighborhoods or something, roaches, doesn't the population go down of crabs?

5:26 Drew The pool is diminished, surely. And it's interesting, in the time I'm doing this show, some diseases that were really quite threatening 10 years ago have nearly gone away, like syphilis. Anyway, so what did you do to correct them, to get rid of them?

5:37 Caller I went to the clinic and I got a medication.

5:40 Drew What medication did you get?

5:42 Caller 200A, or something, A200.

5:44 Caller A200.

5:45 Caller Something like that.

5:46 Drew Yeah, it's kind of a weak...

5:48 Adam A200?

5:49 Drew Yeah, it's the over-the-counter one. There's Elamite and Quell that are a little stronger.

5:54 Adam Can't you get all that stuff over-the-counter, though, these days? Did it come with that little comb?

6:00 Drew Oh, sure.

6:00 Caller Yeah.

6:01 Adam That mustache comb? Did anyone actually use the comb part of it? Were you combing your pubic hair?

6:10 Caller As a matter of fact, yes.

6:12 Wow.

6:13 Adam Where do you put the part? I'm going, I'm guessing in the middle.

6:18 Drew So, you got rid of it. And it's possible you can get this sort of thing from bedclothes, bedsheets or furniture even sometimes. I mean, there's such a thing.

6:27 Adam You think your boyfriend was cheating?

6:29 Caller Well, I don't understand. I don't see any other possibility.

6:32 Adam Well, here's the possibility is Drew was alluding to. A, you can get it if somebody else, a friend of yours was sleeping over and had it or something like that.

6:41 Drew Not real likely, by the way.

6:43 Adam Not real likely, but you can get it from a towel or sheet or something or comforter or something like that. Also, your boyfriend could have possibly gotten it from one of his skanky buddies who slept over at his house. So he doesn't necessarily, he wouldn't necessarily have had to have gotten it from a sexual encounter.

7:03 Caller Okay.

7:03 Drew All right.

7:04 Caller How long does it take to show up after the initial contact?

7:08 Drew They're pretty quick, like within days, but they have to proliferate usually before you notice them.

7:13 Adam Is it the eggs that get on you?

7:15 Drew I think the actual guys do.

7:18 Adam Yeah, I've never had the crabs, but I can tell you something about these crabs, folks. Let the professionals handle the crabs. I mean, go get the medicine. Don't think you can kill them on your own. You cannot. I took a crab off. I believe I've told you this before. My friend, who happened to get a lot of tail, had the crabs, pulled the crab off, and I'd been experimenting with ammonia when I was about 17, 18. I figured out...

7:46 Drew Sniffing it?

7:47 Adam That too, and then hitting myself with the empty bottle on the head. I'd figured out that instead of... I had like cockroaches in my backyard, and I put it in a squirt bottle, and I sprayed ammonia on the cockroaches, killed them. I mean, just when it got near them, pow! And they actually rolled over and stuck their tongue out. They were so dead. And I said, you know, take a whiff off ammonia bottle. I mean, it is... It is pungent stuff. I said, there's no way one of these things is gonna live through ammonia, for Christ's sake. He took one off. He put it on the bathroom tile. I took a drop of ammonia, put it on the crab. The crab was completely engulfed in ammonia, and the crab just walked straight out of the bubble of ammonia, and just kept going. That's a...

8:32 Drew That's something.

8:33 Adam That's a powerful animal. Yes, Krabby. That's right. He had Krabby, like, one through... one through five on him.

8:43 Drew Only five?

8:44 Adam I'm pitted a fool who gives me crabs.

8:46 Drew Only five.

8:47 Adam Oh, well, you know, when you see five.

8:49 Drew You wanna say thank you for this pizza?

8:50 Adam Thank you for this pizza. Raj.

8:53 Yes, sir.

8:53 Adam You're 24.

8:55 Caller How's it going, guys?

8:56 Adam Good.

8:57 Caller I have an interesting question.

8:59 Caller Really been bugging me.

9:00 Adam Actually, two questions. Undescended testicle question?

9:03 Caller Well, not that bad, but pussy.

9:07 How do they get pussy from vagina? The same thing with the penis.

9:10 How do they get dick from penis?

9:11 I mean, how could Richard...

9:13 Adam Hold on a second. Who are you, George Carlin over here? We allowed to say all that junk, Mike? Only I can say that. Yeah, how does the slang...

9:23 Drew Consult with the linguist expert. You actually have been studying a slang dictionary.

9:27 Adam I bought a slang dictionary in the Atlanta airport today and was reading it on the plane.

9:33 It was kind of mad, man.

9:34 Drew It was bizarre and boring until you hit the SCH category.

9:38 Adam I got all the Yiddish section with the schmuck and the schmengelah and the schmiel and the schmoozing. A lot of good Yiddish stuff, a lot of good SCH stuff. Drew perked up when I got to that section. All I did was get drunk and read a slang book. I don't know, Raj. That's a very good question. But I have no answer for you.

10:01 Drew I predict, though, we will have 800 callers with the various theories.

10:04 Adam And I predict 799 of them are going to be stoned, stupid and completely wrong.

10:11 Caller Yeah.

10:12 Drew But thanks for the question. Thanks, Raj.

10:13 Caller I'm glad to serve you.

10:14 Adam Fantastic. Drew, do we need to take that call? Leanne.

10:18 Caller Hi.

10:19 Adam You're 20. What's going on with you?

10:22 Caller Well, I've had a yeast infection before when I was younger. And just recently, my boyfriend moved in with me. And it seems like I've been getting them every couple of months. I wonder if maybe having sex more often had something to do with it.

10:35 Adam Yeah.

10:36 Drew Oh, yes.

10:37 Adam That's true, right?

10:38 Drew Of course.

10:38 Adam Because your vagina, it's like a snow globe. It settles, but then you shake it up, and stuff starts going everywhere.

10:47 Drew Yeah. Are these easy to eradicate? In other words, you...

10:51 Caller Well, they've just been telling me...

10:53 Caller I mean, I just got over the...

10:54 Caller I wasn't even prescription. It was Loetremen.

10:56 Adam I got to use ammonia.

10:58 Drew I understand, but it quickly is controlled with the Loetremen. Yeah. Yeah. That's fine. Then it's the East, and yeah, that's... You're upsetting that delicate balance in there. And it's all right.

11:07 Adam Okay. What's the Loetremen do, Drew?

11:09 Drew Kills the East.

11:11 Adam How? But it just... It's some sort of... Is it...

11:16 Drew It's an anti-fungi.

11:17 Adam What is yeast? Is it a fungi?

11:19 Drew Yeah.

11:19 Adam It's not a bacteria?

11:21 Drew It's a fungus.

11:22 Adam What's the difference between a fungus and a bacteria?

11:24 Drew Totally different phyllo... Stratum... Just from different organism altogether.

11:28 Adam Really? But it wouldn't be killed by that? So it's gotta be strong enough to kill it, but mild enough not to burn your crotch, right? That's where the testing comes in. Nicole?

11:40 Caller Yes?

11:41 Adam You're 27.

11:42 Caller Yep, that's right.

11:42 Adam What's going on there?

11:44 Caller Oh, pretty good.

11:45 Caller Well, anyway, I'm kind of nervous, sorry.

11:48 Adam All right.

11:48 Caller Okay, I've got a question. Actually, it's more for Dr. Drew. I wanted to know if the size of a woman's clitoris and labia and all of that has anything to do with her ability to have orgasm.

12:03 Drew No. Why?

12:05 Adam But the weight is a factor, isn't it? Like we have like a 12-pound clitoris.

12:08 Drew 12 pounds that could do something.

12:11 Adam Three pounds you got to throw it back, right?

12:13 Drew What? Why?

12:14 Caller Well, um, oh, God. I've never really noticed, but recently I've kind of realized, I guess, that I'm a little bit more predominant. Like my...

12:26 Drew Is it helping things or hurting things, as far as you can tell?

12:29 Caller I've always been very hard to please. I've talked to girlfriends and other women from oral sex. You know, they can get a lot out of it. They can orgasm, do three times.

12:39 Adam Because you can't, because you have too much area on your clitoris and a man can't cover that kind of area.

12:47 Caller I don't know what it is.

12:48 Adam Hold on, let me talk to Drew for a second. You understand why just a hundred years ago, but especially hundreds of years ago, it was so easy to rule over people.

12:58 Drew You know what I mean? Right.

12:59 Adam You could easily just whip something up.

13:01 Drew And they'd believe it.

13:02 Adam That I'll go along with it.

13:03 Drew Right.

13:04 Adam I swear to God, if I had like a flashlight and a sparkler. Oh, 400 years ago, I could have ruled Europe.

13:10 Drew Yeah.

13:11 Adam It would have been great. Nicole thinks the size of her clitoris. And how do you know it's much bigger than others?

13:24 Caller We won't get into that.

13:25 Adam But you've seen your friends and you've compared.

13:29 Drew Are you lesbian?

13:30 Caller No, no, no, no.

13:31 Drew But somebody.

13:32 Caller No, I'm married. I'm married. Actually married. I have five kids, you know, five kids, five kids. Is that I don't want the whole the whole thing from Adam because I know how he is about birth control and all that.

13:41 Drew Has that contributed to your anatomy? Having a bunch of kids?

13:46 Caller No, I don't think it has. All right, OK. But the thing I was kind of wondering is, is, you know, the whole thing about they always say that women with larger breasts have less sensitivity, sensitivity than women with smaller breasts.

14:00 Drew Sometimes.

14:01 Caller And I was kind of wondering if that is kind of the same thing.

14:04 Drew No, no, I would say not. I would say no. No. But everything OK with the five kids? See?

14:12 Caller Pretty much, but we're done.

14:13 Drew See, Adam would not attack you for having five kids if you were able to manage them.

14:18 Caller Oh, yes. Yeah.

14:19 Adam What's your husband do for a living?

14:21 Caller Actually, my husband does like heating, air conditioning.

14:25 Adam Oh, HVAC.

14:26 Caller Yeah.

14:27 Adam Tin knacker.

14:29 Caller Yeah.

14:30 Adam Yeah, look, you know, I'm going to make a list one day of what you can own off of what profession. HVAC, you get a like a raccoon and a drunk uncle who stays with you once a month. That's that's all you can afford.

14:43 Drew Remind me to tell my raccoon story.

14:45 Caller No, no, no, that's not true. Actually, that's not true.

14:46 Adam Five kids, for Christ's sake?

14:48 Caller Yeah, I stay at home with the kids and he works.

14:50 Adam Does he own his own company?

14:52 Caller No.

14:54 Adam Oh, he's just crawling through.

14:54 Drew Remember, if you live in like, where do you live, Ohio?

14:57 Caller Actually, right outside of Ohio. We're in northern Kentucky.

15:01 Adam How the hell do you know she lives in Ohio?

15:03 Drew I'm just estimating. Just guesstimating.

15:05 Adam Just trying to think of a good cheap place where white people congregate.

15:08 Drew Where you could afford to live on the five kids on that kind of money.

15:11 Adam So you know what was funny?

15:12 Drew On Miami.

15:13 Adam All right, let's tell your, but don't tell your raccoon story yet.

15:16 Drew All right.

15:17 Adam I was making fun of a guy last night. It was up in the upper row as I'm known to do. When we're doing our lecture and I don't know what he was spouting off about. What would you, I think he gave us a hypothetical, was it? What would you rather have one big testicle or 14 or 16? Was it 14 very small testicles?

15:38 Drew And if you ever wondered what our presentations are like, this is a pretty decent example of the kind of interaction we have.

15:42 Adam Drunken fret guys in the 500th row yelling, Hey, I got an important question. What would you rather have? Oh, dude, one big testicle or 14 smaller ones? Answer the question, please. So I said to the guy, what are you, a political science major? And he said, Yeah.

16:12 Drew He was.

16:13 Adam I am. That's weird. And it wasn't the world's greatest reference either. It was just, you know, what I could come up with at the time, but Dogani was a poli sci major. But Drew, tell your raccoon story real fast.

16:30 Drew First, I'm going to say thank you to Ray at Sole Sole in Glendale for giving us pizzas. And I had a great dinner there tonight.

16:35 Adam Oh, you want to?

16:36 Drew I love that restaurant.

16:37 Adam You should have napped though.

16:38 Drew What? I should have napped. But I had, listen, family time.

16:41 Adam OK. Yeah. They can't watch you nap. That's going to be my family time. Come on, kids. Don't go on the other side of the velvet rope, honey. Daddy's napping. Watch daddy nap. Like a sign there. I'll be like a exhibit at a museum.

16:55 Drew It'll be like a Lennon.

16:56 Adam Well, look at him. He's rolling over and scratching himself.

16:58 Drew A big glass case. Oh, it looks so real.

17:02 Adam That's not quality family time. Your kid's watching you nap.

17:05 Drew Anyway, listen to this. I'm trying to get to sleep. We have to get up at five o'clock in the morning.

17:10 Adam I'm going to eat some of this pizza.

17:11 Drew It's great pizza.

17:13 Adam Yeah.

17:14 Drew I really appreciate that.

17:16 Adam Here's eight bucks worth of pizza and you're plugging them.

17:20 Drew Here's the deal. So it's 1.45 in the morning. Our dog starts going nuts.

17:25 Adam It was night.

17:26 Drew This is Thursday night. No, it was Friday night. Friday night, we have to get up at 5 o'clock.

17:29 Adam You're getting up at 5.

17:30 Drew OK.

17:31 Adam Yeah.

17:31 Drew I've been going to bed at midnight. Get up at 5. 1.45. Hear the dog going nuts. We start, dog, shut up. You got to shut up. My wife goes out there trying to see what's going on with the dog. We knew we had a raccoon in the neighborhood. They always could get in our garage and pull stuff out and eat the cat food and stuff. And all of a sudden, I'm awakened by my wife screaming, he's here.

17:50 He's here. Shriek, oh my God, he's here.

17:53 Drew Running down the hall screaming, he's here. I thought Charles Manson, who's here? I fly out of bed and...

18:00 Adam Let me tell you something about chicks for one second. They got one mode, they're on or they're off. When they're on, they're gonna be screaming bloody murder. I mean, the same scream as, like I said, the Manson family is here, wielding knives and putting your initials and blood in the wall as they do for the raccoon.

18:17 Drew So that's in my mind, I'm imagining this. So what's the matter? What's the matter? The raccoon's here, he's in the kitchen. He's on, in the kitchen, up on the drain board, pulling stuff out of the cabinet and eating it. Yes, I can't hear you, but that's what was happening. And so I go out there and we can't...

18:33 Caller How big is it?

18:35 Drew Raccoon, you know, it was what, three feet across? It's not that big. These are big animals. No, no, no. In your house, it's like having a big dog walking around.

18:44 Adam Let me tell you what in your house is the equivalent of. You know when you watch a nature film and a guy like holds a fish up and you go, man, it's not so big, but then you go out like skin diving or something and you see the fish in the water and it seems like a whale.

18:57 Drew Yes.

18:58 Adam Because you're in it with them. Like everything gets like 80 percent larger. In your house, it's like a magnifying glass for wildlife.

19:05 Drew Oh, yes.

19:06 Adam Everything gets bigger. If it's a cockroach on the sidewalk, it is twice as big when it's in your house.

19:11 Drew How do you get in your house? Through the dog door. Doggy door. So we're sort of peaked around the corner trying to figure out what to do with this thing. He starts swaggering down the hall towards my kid's room. So okay, that's enough of that. Yeah, so I run down and start chasing him out. Goes back into the kitchen, starts helping himself again to the cabinets. What's your dog doing? We locked him in the back room by this point because she was going nuts. And then he saw that we were upset and he started getting kind of worked up. And he ran to the other side of the room, started climbing up the curtains, trying to basically climb his way out of the house. Then I tried to get him to calm down again, open the front door. And he was kind of wandering around some more, looking for stuff, taking his time, and kind of walked out finally.

19:50 Adam Let me tell you what Drew told me. Drew said that he went to his car, he went to his medical kit, he pulled out a hypodermic syringe, filled it with a sedative, then took a bow from a violin, because one of his kids practicing violin, duct taped the syringe to the end of a mop handle and fired it into the raccoon, sedating it.

20:13 Drew I did that too.

20:14 Adam Then skinned it and ate it and stuffed it.

20:17 Drew That was wild, having a raccoon.

20:18 Now he's got a hat.

20:19 Adam That's...

20:19 Drew Wanding around your house.

20:20 Adam Isn't that kind of freaky? I'd freak out with a raccoon.

20:23 I'd totally freak out.

20:24 Adam I think I'd... Anne, you'd just move, wouldn't you? Yeah, I would.

20:27 Drew Let's just get our stuff and go right now.

20:28 Adam Yeah, it's time. We've been there 17 months now. You've outgrown the place.

20:32 Caller Well, you don't know what kind of diseases it has.

20:34 Drew Yeah, because they can be rabid sometimes. Yeah, yeah.

20:36 Adam Oh, yeah.

20:38 Drew This guy was... Undisturbed by anything going on around him.

20:44 Adam Yeah. They...

20:45 Drew Just busy eating.

20:46 Adam Yeah, they got a lot of attitude, those raccoons.

20:48 Drew This one really did, boy.

20:50 Adam I don't know why either. I mean, what I mean is certain animals have an attitude because they've evolved that way because they understand, like, there's skunks around my house. When I come up my stairs late at night, sometimes they're standing on the stairs, they look at me and then they turn back around and they finish doing whatever they're doing, but they don't scurry away. I have to go down and, like, sit in the car and wait for them to leave. And they leave when they're good and ready, and they understand that no one's gonna have with them because they're skunks.

21:17 Drew No scurrying. This was like a big dog just kind of walking around.

21:21 Adam Yeah, but raccoons are, I guess, you know, raccoons, they're kind of like bears that way. They just kind of walk around and wait for you to leave the campsite.

21:28 Drew I kept thinking, my god, a bear could walk in here. I kept thinking about bears. It's the equivalent kind of a feeling to have a bear walking.

21:34 Adam So I bet you got a real restful three hours before you had to get on the plane. All right, we're gonna take ourselves a little break. Justin is 16, just came off of a nine month grounding. That's actually in the ground. That's how your parents dig a hole and put you into it for nine months.

21:53 Drew They call that a funeral.

21:54 Adam He's grounded again for six months. He must be a real screw up. Anyway, we'll talk to Justin after this.

22:01 Loveline's phone number is 1-800-LOVE-191. Loveline, with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew, we'll be right back.

22:18 Adam Loveline. Hey, it's The Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla, that's Dr. Drew over there. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Got the cast of MadTV coming in here tomorrow night, which we're watching in South Carolina last night at a bar. No sound, but it looked funny. I know most of those people, I think, by now, don't I? Yeah.

23:00 Caller All right.

23:02 Adam Until Jerusalem Press. Justin.

23:04 Yeah.

23:04 Adam You're 16.

23:05 Caller Yeah.

23:06 Adam Got grounded for nine months initially, huh?

23:08 Caller Yeah. I was grounded.

23:10 Adam What did you do, blow up a federal building or something?

23:13 Caller No.

23:14 Adam No?

23:14 Caller Actually, I just made out with my girlfriend, and my parents are really strict.

23:19 Drew Wow.

23:20 Adam Your parents are really strict? Yeah.

23:22 Drew That's when you were 15, I guess, huh?

23:24 Caller Yeah, it was, like, I got off in January, January 1st. We had to break up and everything, but.

23:35 Drew That's not funny.

23:36 Adam I was just thinking, he said he got off on January 1st, and I pictured him, like, you know, trading cigarettes and buddying up to some of the guards, maybe starting a band, anything to pass the time.

23:52 Drew For good behavior, he got off.

23:54 Adam So, wait a minute, Justin. Let me just make sure we have this straight.

23:59 Caller Okay.

23:59 Adam Your parents caught you making out with your girlfriend.

24:04 Caller Yeah. Well, they didn't catch me. Somebody told them, and then, like.

24:07 Adam That you had made out with your girlfriend.

24:10 Caller Yes.

24:10 Adam But you didn't get your girlfriend pregnant.

24:12 Caller No.

24:13 Adam And you had no prior history. There wasn't something here where.

24:19 Drew This hadn't built up from something else.

24:21 Caller No, not at all.

24:22 Drew You weren't misbehaving in other ways.

24:24 Caller I think it's a religious thing. Because, I mean.

24:27 Adam We know there's got to be more here, Drew. Somebody told them, guess what? Justin was making out with his girlfriend. This is the first I've heard of it. I didn't even know he had a girlfriend. I gave him nine months.

24:36 Caller My parents had no idea. Like, we were going out for, like.

24:40 Drew But I'm having my, thank you, sweet spirit. My geographic clairvoyance. You're calling from Utah?

24:47 Caller Me? Yeah. No, California.

24:49 Adam All right, sweet spirit. All right, so nine months they grounded you for, even though all you did was make out with your girlfriend.

24:56 Caller Yeah.

24:57 Adam Although, and if we talked to your parents, they'd say, he just made out with his girlfriend one time, so we grounded for nine months.

25:02 Caller I made out with her a lot, like, I mean.

25:06 Drew Had they been telling you we don't want this sort of behavior from you?

25:09 Caller Yeah. All right.

25:10 Drew And did they have multiple warnings and other consequences prior to the nine month grounding?

25:15 Caller No, they didn't. It was just, they had no idea.

25:17 Drew So they choose nine months?

25:19 Caller Yeah.

25:19 Adam Why nine months?

25:21 Caller Well, like, for the rest of the year.

25:23 Adam Oh, I see. So they busted you in May or something like that.

25:28 Drew You're grounded again now, right?

25:29 Caller Yeah. Why? Well, it was like a chain of things. I, well, it started like three weeks ago, and I accidentally, well, it was inactive, but I came home late from, I had a curfew, and I came home like...

25:48 Drew Just all these accidents keep happening to you.

25:50 Adam It's amazing. How, what was your curfew for?

25:53 Caller It was 12, and I came home at 12.20. So they got upset, and I mean, it was my fault and everything.

26:00 Drew What else?

26:02 Caller Well, last night I came home late too, and it was my fault again, and I was, I knew I was gonna get in trouble, but I didn't know that they were gonna ground me for six months.

26:12 Adam Now, when you get grounded, what do they do to you?

26:15 Caller Well, I can't use the phone, which I'm in trouble right now, but I can't... No, my friends, I'm up anyway. I can't...

26:26 Drew What else can't you do?

26:27 Caller I have to go, I can't go to anywhere but work and school.

26:31 Adam No going number two. By the way, it's one of the provisions of the grounding. You have to come home right after school.

26:37 Caller I have to, well, I go to work like almost every day. Yeah.

26:41 Adam Okay. So, your parents are strict. But on the other hand, they give you curfews at midnight, not too bad, you know, 16.

26:50 Caller 16, yeah.

26:51 Adam You know, I've heard later and I've heard earlier, but you sort of constantly defy them, don't you? They tell you not to use the phone and you call a crappy advice shows at God knows what hour. You know what I mean? You don't really abide by the rules, do you, Justin?

27:07 Caller Well, I know I should be punished and everything, but, I mean, isn't this a little bit overboard?

27:13 Adam It seems a little excessive. On the other hand, I'm sure if they had a chance to state their case.

27:18 Drew It would be a little different.

27:19 Adam We'd want it to be 10 months or 7 months.

27:21 Drew You seem to have difficulty accepting responsibility for much of anything, even though you're sort of giving a passing nod to responsibility. In reality, you're just dismissing all this.

27:32 Adam Yeah. Listen, there's no doubt that your parents are going overboard a little here, but we'd rather them air in that direction, wouldn't we?

27:40 Drew It can be just as bad sometimes, but yeah, I suppose all things being equal.

27:45 Adam But here's the deal. If you want to call us and tell us what horrible parents you have because they're forcing you to study or they're grounding you or they're setting limits or they're punishing you or they're what have you, you're not going to find a sympathetic ear. No. Just as long as it ain't me. It's one of these things where I wish all parents were this way except for my parents. You know what I'm saying?

28:05 Drew Or had your parents been this way, it would be unfortunate.

28:09 Adam Yeah, I guess. I don't know. I think I could have used a little bit.

28:13 Drew Your head would have exploded. Can you imagine if they suddenly turned this on?

28:16 Adam Oh, no, they couldn't turn this on.

28:17 Drew Yeah.

28:18 Adam I had no curfew. When I was eight, my curfew was midnight. Then actually it became eight in the evening by the time I was 16, but it was of the next day.

28:30 Drew Oh, they wanted you back in two days.

28:31 Adam No, it actually went around. Yeah. Maybe two or three days.

28:35 Drew Eventually, sure.

28:36 Adam So I had to show up. Yeah, that was my curfew. If I went out on a Saturday night, if I went out Saturday night, I had to show up Tuesday. I think they secretly hope that wouldn't return. I really do.

28:47 Drew Secretly?

28:49 Adam Well, no. Well, it didn't become verbal until I was 18 or 19. Fred.

28:55 Caller Yeah.

28:55 Adam You're 18.

28:56 Caller Yeah.

28:57 Adam What's going on?

28:58 Caller Nothing much. How are you guys doing? Good. This is a question for Dr. Drew. Yeah. I got back into counseling not too long ago, like this past week. And it was for, it was voluntary. And I told my, well, it's not so much therapists, but counselor, everything that I've been going through and why I chose to get back into counseling. And after our discussion, she came to the conclusion that I had homicidal idealization. And I was wondering what that was. I know the homicide part, but ideation. Yeah, ideation. What does that mean?

29:32 Drew Thoughts.

29:33 Caller Thoughts?

29:34 Drew Thoughts.

29:35 Caller Okay.

29:36 Drew Why are you having homicidal thoughts?

29:38 Caller Yeah.

29:39 Adam Better to have suicidal thoughts, isn't it, Drew?

29:41 Caller No, I'm over that. That's when I was 13.

29:44 Adam Yeah, but listen, Fred and anyone else is listening. I don't want you to kill yourself, but before you kill somebody else, kill yourself. That's my message to America.

29:55 Caller But I think everything that I'm going through is all related to my sexual abuse issues.

29:59 Drew Right, I bet.

30:00 Caller But it's not sexual abuse, it's incest, you know?

30:03 Adam Yeah. That was perpetrated by your father?

30:06 Caller My grandmother and my aunt, and I don't know.

30:09 Wow, that's very rare.

30:11 Caller What did she do to you? It wasn't her that did so much to me, it was me. Well, one of the things that kicked it off was her masturbating in front of me when I was like five or six, you know what I'm saying?

30:21 Adam Wow, five or six.

30:22 Caller She let me sleep with her in bed, you know, and all that stuff.

30:25 Drew What's the matter with your grandmother? How old is she?

30:27 Caller She, right now, I have no idea.

30:30 Drew Rough guess.

30:31 Caller 56, I don't know.

30:33 Drew What's the matter with her?

30:34 Adam 56?

30:35 Drew Manic depressive?

30:36 Adam I guess she could be.

30:37 Caller Nah. Everything in our family is all traditional.

30:42 Adam Except for the part about grandma masturbating. Other than that, it's Rockwell.

30:46 Caller Well, I'm pretty sure the incest is pretty traditional, too, because it runs around family.

30:50 Adam Well, wait a minute. Now, Fred, let me do a little quick math here. You're 18 now.

30:56 Caller No, that's a lie.

30:57 Drew Oh, how old are you?

30:58 Caller 21.

30:59 Adam Oh, 21. Okay. Listen, it makes no, never mind us, by the way, but okay, so you're 21. So this happened 14, 15 years ago?

31:09 Caller Yeah.

31:09 Adam 15 years ago. So your grandmother could have been 40. Pretty young. Well, she may be a little bit older now.

31:16 Caller She was old, yeah. Cause I was...

31:18 Adam Well, listen, when you're six, everyone's old.

31:21 Caller Yeah.

31:21 Adam You know what I mean? You got a 13 year old cousin, it seems like an old man, right?

31:24 Drew How old is your mother?

31:25 Caller My mother?

31:26 Yeah.

31:27 Drew How old?

31:28 Caller My mother, she's like 36, 7, I don't know.

31:34 Drew All right, so...

31:34 Adam Fred doesn't really sweat the details.

31:36 Drew That would make sense. It would be...

31:37 Adam 30, so your mom had you when she was 15, 16?

31:40 Drew 18. Oh yeah, 15, 16.

31:42 Adam Yeah.

31:43 Caller Right?

31:44 Drew And then probably grandma had her when she was 16, 17.

31:49 Adam Yeah.

31:49 Drew So that's up to about 54.

31:51 Adam All right, so you have brothers and sisters?

31:54 Caller Yeah.

31:54 Adam All right, where's grandpa?

31:56 Caller Grandpa? He's up in heaven.

31:59 Adam Oh really?

32:00 Caller Yeah.

32:01 Adam Maybe, maybe up in heaven, depending on which way you're standing.

32:04 Drew You don't have any homicidal plans, right?

32:06 Caller No, I just... Just ideation. The only thing I touched on during that first session we had was just my anger, you know?

32:12 Drew Well, if you're angry, included thinking about hurting people, that's what that is.

32:16 Adam Well, what? Your grandmother masturbated in front of you and then forced you to do things?

32:20 Caller No, I got curious and started acting out on her, you know? I started touching her in all the good places and all that.

32:26 Adam Yeah, but she let you do that.

32:28 Drew I mean, that's what encouraged that. Yeah.

32:30 Adam That's kind of hurt.

32:31 Caller I'm confused about that because when it all happened, you know, it happened until the age I was... until I was 13.

32:37 Drew Yeah.

32:38 Caller And every time I did it, you know, it always looked like she was asleep, you know? And I was just wondering if she was.

32:44 Adam Oh, no.

32:45 Caller No, no. In all those places, you know, do you think she would be asleep?

32:49 Adam No, no. She wasn't asleep.

32:50 Drew No?

32:51 Adam We would say she was asleep, except for she did the masturbatory part in front of you beforehand. No, she's not asleep.

32:57 Caller Do you think that's intentional, what she did? Do you think she wanted me, you know, and could crawl in bed and do all that?

33:02 Drew Well, she had bad boundaries in terms of her keeping.

33:05 Adam Yeah, she did in her own... Yes. I blame her 100%. And where was grandpa during that time? Was he dead already?

33:12 Caller No, he was on my left side. Oh my God. Oh, this was happening. Oh my God.

33:19 Adam What... How's your mom and dad?

33:22 Caller How's my mom and dad?

33:23 Adam Yeah.

33:24 Caller They're divorced. Imagine that.

33:26 Drew Does your mom had a bunch of husbands or?

33:29 Caller Boyfriends. Boyfriends.

33:31 Adam Yeah. And this is your mom's mother?

33:34 Caller No, my father's mother. This is my father's mother.

33:38 Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

33:40 Adam True, what are you talking about?

33:42 Drew I'm sorry.

33:42 Adam This is your father's mom? Oh, boy. And do you have brothers and sisters?

33:48 Caller Yeah.

33:48 Adam Yeah. Are they older?

33:50 Caller No, I'm the oldest.

33:52 Adam Is stuff going on with them or?

33:58 Caller Another grandparent of ours got to the youngest one, but she's, I don't know.

34:02 Drew Did they report all this?

34:04 Caller Yeah, all of it's reported.

34:05 Oh, boy.

34:06 Adam All right, good. Fred?

34:08 Caller Yeah.

34:08 Adam Don't have any kids for a while.

34:09 Caller Yeah, I don't even have a girl, you know. I'm doing all on that.

34:12 Drew You're in therapy.

34:13 Adam It's all about school. You're in therapy. Oh, it's all about school. Good. Yeah, listen. All right, Fred, I'm going to tell you how life goes. Don't listen to this Drew. He gets everything he knows out of a book. Whereas I read the Book of Puns, or the slang book. That's where I learned it when I'm drunk on the plane. Let me tell you, life's going to be extra difficult for you for a little while. Yeah. But because, you know, it's like when they say someone has a handicap. And then what they do is they have to overcompensate because they have this handicap. And they end up being sort of better people.

34:50 Drew Exceptional people.

34:51 Adam Yeah. It is. It's true. They always talk about handicap employees, working better, getting more work done, showing up earlier, staying later, all that kind of stuff. And then you show me some guy who's, you know, 6'3, 230 pounds and all muscle, and I'm going to show you some idiot who shows up drunk on Monday morning. It's kind of sad, but that seems to be the way it goes. So life's going to be extra difficult for a little while, but you get your therapy, you stay in school, you make your strides, you'll have insight by the time you're 21 that people in their 50s don't have. And you'll end up actually probably having a more exceptional life if you don't do something stupid to jeopardize it along the way.

35:32 Caller Okay.

35:33 Adam Grandma.

35:34 Caller Yeah.

35:34 Adam Oh, can you imagine? You know what I mean? You know, you can talk about therapy all you want, but, you know, it's like you think of a handful of things that happened to you when you were a kid, you know what I mean? Your folks went to your sister's recital and didn't show up at yours, you know? Five years therapy. And you're pissed as hell. Imagine this kind of thing, you know what I'm saying? I mean, what you're talking about and what we're all talking about in our everyday lives, you know, coping with our trials and tribulations of the past would really be the equivalent to like a tremor and this would be like a 8.0.

36:19 Drew Yeah.

36:19 Adam And it's like nothing, like a can fell off the shelf compared to a whole town being completely devastated.

36:27 Caller All right.

36:28 Adam Got my earthquake analogy in, check that off the list.

36:31 Drew Good. I'm gonna break.

36:32 Adam All right, we're gonna go to break. When we come back, we're gonna talk to Jamie. Jamie's 20, boyfriend of one month has a curved penis. Why isn't it straight? We'll tell her after this.

36:45 The phone number is 1-800-LOVE-191. We'll be right back.

36:59 Caller Oh, you're right there.

37:00 Caller It's Loveline on WEBN.

37:14 Caller Hi, this is Nancy Sinatra, and you're listening to Loveline with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

37:20 Adam All right. Those boots were made for walking to the therapist's office.

37:25 Caller Oh, boy.

37:26 Adam She got an issue or two to that Nancy, doesn't she?

37:29 Drew She was very nicer than I, you know what I mean, more stable than I thought she might be.

37:33 Caller Oh, really?

37:34 Adam You weren't being a little nutty.

37:35 Drew Didn't she have a daughter here with her that night?

37:37 Adam Oh, something. No, she spoke, I think she spoke of her daughter, but I'm not sure. She was nice. I just remember her. I just remember thinking, oh, she's seen a thing or two, this lady.

37:47 Drew Yes, she made it clear, yeah, yeah, yeah.

37:49 Adam And didn't get by completely unscathed.

37:53 Drew No.

37:54 Adam But then, who of us here have? Right, Drew?

37:57 Drew Yeah.

37:57 Adam Okay. Who are we talking to?

38:00 Drew Jamie.

38:01 Adam Jamie?

38:01 Caller Yeah.

38:02 Adam What's happening?

38:03 Caller Oh, nothing much.

38:04 Adam All right, then.

38:05 Caller Okay, my question is, I've been day in the sky for a couple weeks, but we've been friends for a long time. So, when we are messing around, I noticed that his penis, instead of, like, when it is at an erection, instead of, like, kind of facing north to the sky, it kind of faces down to the ground.

38:26 Drew All the way along or just at the tip?

38:28 Caller Excuse me?

38:28 Drew All the way along or just at the tip? Is it a gentle arc or a sudden drop off at the tip?

38:34 Caller No, like, the whole thing, just straight down.

38:37 Drew Yeah, right, what's the question?

38:39 Adam Instead of facing toward the sky, faces the earth?

38:42 Caller Yeah.

38:43 Drew It's a dividing rod.

38:44 Adam Right.

38:45 Caller Excuse me?

38:46 Drew Nothing.

38:46 Adam It helps them find water, is what Drew is saying.

38:49 Caller Oh.

38:51 Caller So, what, like, my question is, like, what causes it to do that?

38:54 Adam We gotta revamp the educational system, Drew.

38:57 Drew It can be normal, Jamie, some people just, that's the way they're configured.

39:00 Caller Oh, I see.

39:01 Adam It's not normal, as normal, that it faced the ground.

39:05 Drew It's not as common, but it's normal.

39:07 Caller Okay. And, cause, like, at the top, it's, like, not as hard as, like, do you understand what I'm saying? Like, it kind of, like, isn't completely hard.

39:17 Drew Well, it may have Peyronie's disease. I mean, if there's problems with erection function associated with curvature.

39:23 Adam Is it a big penis?

39:25 Caller Yeah.

39:26 Adam Yeah. I like that. See, I always wondered one of those penises that had zones, you know, you could section it off. Like, well, you know, at the 3-inch level was this way. But then once you pass that point up until the 6.5 inch, you know, zone or level, you know what I mean? My penis is just a penis, but it can't really be broken off into quadrants or anything. You know what I'm saying, Drew? Yeah. Like, I knew this guy was hung when she was saying, well, the penis itself headed this direction. But then by the time he got down to the end of it, that section was different than the section before it. It's like you're talking about a mall hall or something.

40:04 Caller Locomotive, yeah.

40:07 Adam So, Drew, do guys with big penises sometimes have more difficulty filling them up? Yeah. I've watched a lot of pornography, and I can tell you that the bigger the guy's penis, the penis is only made to be so big, which is a little bit smaller than mine. Once they get bigger than that, but the guys have difficulty. I'm trying to think, let's see, FM. Bradley, I feel Marshall Bradley, some of the guys. But like guys like John Holmes, you know, with this legendary penis of his, it was never quite right. I mean, it was always kind of flaccid, it bent in the middle, it had sort of a bitter taste. I mean, it was always like something that was sort of, it was like a balloon that was sort of, it had been lying, you know, after the party, a couple days later, it's lying around, it wasn't, it didn't quite work. Frank James, Frank James is the big Indian guy that Ron Jeremy was telling you when he got, when he drunk the fire water, he went nuts. He's got a huge penis, that thing barely, that thing's always flopping around. All the guys with the huge penises, except for Ron Jeremy, actually, but his is, I think, right on the sort of cusp, anything bigger than that. Maybe that's something to do with it, right, Drew? Okay. So there's nothing you can do about his penis, in other words, Jamie. But if it's flexible at the end, maybe he does get the bronies. Julia?

41:43 Caller Yeah.

41:44 Adam You're 18.

41:45 Caller Yeah. Well, my boyfriend, he lives in Santa Monica. And, you know, I don't see a lot of him because he doesn't drive that, like his parents don't let him drive to Lakewood a lot. So I had started seeing this other guy, Jake, and we started fooling around. Well, I had told my best friend Stephanie, and then she, then we had gotten this fight and she told him that she knew. And so he went around. Well, if she told someone that I can go tell everyone, well, my boyfriend's best friend goes to my school too. And he found out, and now my boyfriend knows.

42:27 Adam Yeah. What's his name?

42:29 Caller Who?

42:30 Drew The boyfriend's best friend?

42:32 Caller Sam. Okay. And I don't know. Now my boyfriend wants to beat my Jake's ass and like everything's going wrong and my best friend, she just screwed up my whole life right there, just doing that.

42:47 Drew No, give her the best friend's beat.

42:49 Adam Yeah, don't worry. You'll get back at her. As a matter of fact, hold on a second. Where is she? Jennifer? Jennifer?

42:57 Drew Yeah? No, no.

42:58 Adam Wait, who are we just talking to, jackass? Four, please. Julia?

43:04 Caller Yeah?

43:05 Adam I'm sure you've screwed with your best friend before, though, haven't you?

43:08 Caller No, I haven't. Like, I don't know, because we had just started being best friends this year, you know, like, because we were both on the soccer team and we had everything in common. And then, like, we just got in this stupid little fight and she went off and told everyone.

43:20 Adam What was the fight over?

43:22 Caller It was over the...

43:23 Drew Julia having slept with her other best friend's boyfriend.

43:26 Caller It was the guy that I was cheating on. She had gone out with him.

43:28 Drew Oh, there you go.

43:29 Adam Oh, jeez, what a...

43:30 Caller I was jealous that I was sleeping with him. And so she... And then she's also lying, saying that I was sleeping with this other guy, too. Yeah.

43:39 Adam What a surprise. All right, well, it... It was very obvious that you must have betrayed her in some fashion. Even though you don't think of it as that. She did. That's why she ratted you out, because Jake was her man, or at least that's what she thought. Right?

43:58 Drew Yeah.

43:58 Adam So, as it turns out, she didn't just do this for no reason. She screwed with... You screwed with her man, she screwed with your man, right?

44:06 Drew And it's proof that like personalities attract one another.

44:10 Adam Right. All right, you both deserve each other in the chaos you have. Now listen, I don't know what you want us to tell you, but stop hanging around with idiots.

44:19 Caller Well, no, it's just the fact of what should I tell my boyfriend?

44:22 Adam Well, forget it. It's over. He lives in Santa Monica. He doesn't have any wheels. You live in Lakewood, which even though there's water in the name, doesn't mean it's anywhere near the ocean and you're screwed. So he goes to a different school, right? Yeah. I break up with him. Come on, don't make him drink him through this mud. And listen to me, this, by the way, is why cops, how they catch most of the homicides, they just go for the motive. Right. Who's the motive? That's all they look at, everybody. It's all motive. But forget about your alibi, forget about where you were, who saw you, or who didn't see you, or if you wiped your prints clean. Who had something to gain from your wife dying? The husband does, because he had an insurance thing. And I don't care if he has pictures of him in Tahiti, when the murder went down, believe me, they'll trace it back to him. Now here's what I'm saying. Julia, over here, with her betraying friend, I knew she had done something to her. It's real easy to figure out. Of course. But according to Julia, her friend just sort of stepped out on her own, decided to alert her boyfriend, because of no reason. All right, screwball, stop hanging around with more screwballs like yourself. We're gonna take a little break. When we come back, we'll speak to who, Drew? Chris? Chris. Ex-Marine with some tried and true remedies for crab lice. Oh yeah, I'm sure, especially when you travel to Asia. You gotta learn how to get rid of those lice. Oh boy. We'll be back.

46:11 Caller Hi, this is Jesus Christ.

46:12 Caller This is Eric Cartman.

46:13 Caller This is Kyle Braslawski.

46:15 And this is Counselor Mackey. Okay, we're from South Park.

46:18 Caller And you're listening to Love Line with Adam Carota and Dr. Groot.

46:23 Adam Yes, yes. We're gonna take a 10-second station identification top-of-the-hour break, and we'll be back with more Loveline in 10 seconds. This is Loveline on Radio Station. You know me better than I'm a total pro.

46:52 Drew Yeah.

46:54 Adam Chris.

46:55 Yeah, how's it going, guys?

46:56 Adam You're 27, what's going on?

46:58 Caller Not much, how are you guys doing? I've been listening to you guys for quite some time.

47:02 Adam We've had a little too much of each other, quite frankly.

47:04 Drew Yeah.

47:06 Caller No, I was listening to the caller call in about crabs and getting rid of them and going to the doctors and stuff like that. And when I was in the service, especially not so much boot camp, but the School of Infantry and things like that, going out in the field all the time, you know, in the brush, a lot of guys would contract crabs and...

47:27 Drew Crabs are just lice in general.

47:29 Caller Yeah. No, just basically crabs because our hair was so shorn. It was like there was no problems with that. But to get rid of it, the simplest remedy that a corpsman told us, a Navy corpsman, was to use bleach.

47:47 Drew Oh yeah, bleach will work.

47:48 Caller Oh, well?

47:49 Caller Bleach just...

47:50 Drew That doesn't sound like a simple technique, though, to me. It sounds rather potentially harmful and treacherous.

47:58 Caller As long as you keep your penis pointed, like, up, I mean, and cover the opening, I didn't see any of the guys having any problems with it.

48:07 Drew You mean you just poured bleach over the area and then washed it off real fast?

48:11 Caller Exactly. They do it in the shower. They bring the Clorox container with them.

48:15 Drew I see. That's not the kind of remedy I would necessarily advocate on a raid.

48:19 Adam Well, listen, Drew, this is the fightin man's army. You don't have time to be sashaying down to the pharmacy.

48:28 Drew I understand that, but our stone listeners, you know what they'll do? They'll do anything not to seek health care.

48:32 Adam I don't know. Bleach works. It works.

48:35 The other question I had for you.

48:36 Adam The sack will absorb the bleach now. That could be painful, yeah.

48:41 Caller The other question I had for you is, I was curious, would the NICs that people use for head lice, would that work on something such as pubic lice?

48:51 Drew The what? NICs?

48:52 Caller NICs, like the kids in school.

48:55 Drew Yeah, I don't know. I know the RID will. Yeah. So NICs might, well, I'm not sure what the chemical is in NICs.

49:02 Adam And so you got the crabs from crawling around on the belly in the dirt.

49:06 Drew It's really just lice.

49:08 Adam Is there a difference? There's a difference between crabs and lice, right?

49:10 Drew Yeah, yeah, a little bit.

49:12 Adam Who do you think will win in a fight? A lye?

49:15 Drew Pubic lice.

49:16 Adam The pubic lice or a crab? You know, in a fight.

49:21 Drew Pubic lice and crab are the same thing. You mean, lice, louse?

49:25 Adam I mean, louse and crab.

49:27 Drew Crab will win.

49:28 Adam Crab would win?

49:29 Drew Sure. Have you ever seen electron micrographs of those things?

49:31 Adam Of crabs?

49:32 Drew Looks like some science fiction movie.

49:34 Adam Listen, one of the greatest torture in the world, this would just be the greatest torture in the world. Find someone who had crabs, get them stoned, and then make them look at electron micrograph. Is that what it is?

49:48 Drew Scan electron micrographs, yeah.

49:50 Adam Of the crab. The crab has, I mean, tentacles, and like ten eyes, and a big ass, and I mean, it's a bizarre, hideous looking creature, right?

50:01 Drew Yes, it is.

50:02 Adam I mean, it's hideous, more hideous than any any earthbound creature.

50:06 Drew It's worse than anybody has so far thought up for science fiction movies.

50:10 Adam Right.

50:11 Drew They had to just recreate that for the damn movies.

50:13 Adam So get stoned in picture, a couple thousand of those crawling around on your testicles.

50:19 A couple hundred.

50:21 Caller Oh my god.

50:24 Adam Jason.

50:25 Caller Yeah, how you doing?

50:26 Adam Hey, you're 23.

50:28 Caller Right.

50:29 Adam Yeah. Whoever invented that electron microscope should be kicked in the nuts.

50:33 Caller I hear you.

50:33 Adam Because it's four in the morning, I'm watching TV, some HEPA filter vacuum comes on, a commercial comes on, and they show these electricized pictures of dust spores and things like that, and I start freaking out.

50:49 Caller Kill ya.

50:49 Adam Yeah.

50:50 Drew What's up, Jason?

50:51 Caller I had a little trip to Vegas this weekend, and I was at one of the establishments.

50:56 Drew Didn't we just learn that Jason was a popular name in the Southeast?

50:58 Adam Yeah.

50:59 Drew And Melissa, if you're living in the Midwest, that's the name.

51:02 Adam Right.

51:03 Drew So you were in Vegas.

51:04 Adam You were in Vegas, you went to one of those ranches?

51:06 Caller No, no, just a strip club.

51:09 Adam And which one did you go to?

51:13 Caller The Palomino Club.

51:15 Caller And the girl who was dancing for me there had a, you know, how about a lap dance? And she said she had a hormonal problem, you know, and she was lactating and she wasn't pregnant. And her breasts found its way into my mouth and I ingested some of this lactation.

51:36 Adam First off, could you hear anything over the 38 Special that was playing in the background? I mean, can you converse? It seems like the music is so loud in those places that you never really...

51:51 Caller Actually, there it was pretty mellow, it was pretty low, I was surprised.

51:56 Adam They're probably playing like Bach.

51:59 Caller They're playing Ozzy Osbourne, as a matter of fact.

52:02 Adam Oh yeah.

52:03 Caller Crazy Train.

52:04 Adam I love that Crazy Train song. All those chicks like to hit the stage of the Crazy Train.

52:09 Caller Yeah.

52:10 Adam Listen, if you miss your 80s hair bands, go to a strip club. It's like a whacked down memory lane. So she lactated into your mouth.

52:22 Caller Right.

52:23 Adam Yeah. And why did she do that if she knew she had this problem?

52:27 Caller No, she showed it to me, you know, and I was in alcohol, you know.

52:32 Adam Yeah, of course. When you're drunk, everything seems like a good idea.

52:35 Caller Right.

52:36 Adam Right. There's really no bad ideas when you're drunk.

52:38 Caller It was like, wow, that, you know, that was a good idea. You know, that's pretty neat. What does that taste like? Right. And she says, well, hold on a second. You know, and she would hit on the one who was looking and then wham, there it was. And I found out what it tasted like.

52:50 Drew Yeah.

52:51 Caller It was only about, you know, maybe about a teardrop. Yeah. And I'm worried, I'm worried about, am I going to catch something from this? Do I need to go get tested?

53:00 Drew Well, the only things I would worry about are the HIV and the...

53:05 Other than that, you're in the clear.

53:07 Drew I know. But, and possibly hepatitis, but that's not so likely. So, I suppose there's a slight risk of HIV. That would be about it, though.

53:16 Caller Risk?

53:17 Drew Yeah.

53:17 Adam That would be carried through the breast milk?

53:19 Drew Yeah.

53:20 Caller If she wasn't pregnant, she's never had children.

53:22 Drew No, I understand. That doesn't mean she can't carry children. No, no.

53:25 Caller I just...

53:26 Adam But she has some sort of hormonal imbalance that gave her the...

53:30 Drew I'll tell you, the hormonal imbalance is her psychiatric medication. Oh, wow. It's causing it.

53:35 Adam Oh, really?

53:35 Drew Yeah. It's one of the most common causes.

53:38 Adam I hope you feel good, Jason. You paid some crazy chick 20 bucks. 40. 40. No, you really feel bad.

53:46 Drew Yeah. That or low thyroid or prolactin secretion tumor, but more likely...

53:50 Adam Or she could be pregnant. You never know.

53:52 Drew More likely meds.

53:54 Adam Really?

53:54 Drew Oh, yeah.

53:54 Adam That creates that? What meds?

53:57 Drew Any of the antipsychotic meds.

53:59 Adam Really?

53:59 Drew And sometimes the antidepressants.

54:02 Adam What's this guy going to say to his doctor? I was running, I tripped, I landed on a lactating breast. My mouth was open.

54:10 Drew Potentially a risk exposure I'm concerned about.

54:13 Adam Okay. You don't have to get into the detail about Ozzy Osbourne. No.

54:16 Drew He should be tested. And then once again in six months. He's probably fine.

54:21 Adam Jennifer. 16. Let me tell you the difference between guys and gals. First off, a woman wouldn't drop 40 bucks to have a guy grind on him in a booth somewhere.

54:31 Drew They wouldn't.

54:32 Adam Off by the side of the stage. They would want money to do it, but they would not pay money to do it. And for the most part, there's a couple of them out there. Number two, if the guy had some sort of pus that was coming up from an orifice.

54:45 Drew That would be it.

54:46 Adam She would not be down for a sample of that. Would not look at that as extra cool. You know what I mean?

54:52 Drew Oh yeah, and by the way, the mouth is not an environment the HIV typically survives in. A drop of something is not likely to cause the transmission, but you never know.

55:00 Adam Really? It's got to get in the blood system?

55:02 Drew Got to swallow it, basically. Jennifer.

55:05 Caller Yeah, hi. I just wanted to know if there's like any certain time during your menstrual cycle or whatever that's like safer for you to have sex. It's like less likely that you're going to get pregnant or anything like that. Yeah. Like, should you like do it right before your period or what?

55:25 Drew We don't recommend people even think this way, okay?

55:29 Adam Drew could give you the answer, but he doesn't want to because he doesn't want you going out there and experimenting.

55:35 Caller Oh, no. I mean, I'm just curious.

55:37 Adam Yeah.

55:37 Caller I just want to know.

55:38 Adam You're not having sex with anybody?

55:40 Caller No.

55:41 Adam You don't have a boyfriend?

55:42 Caller No.

55:43 Drew Obviously, the only time you can get pregnant is if there's an available egg. Uh-huh. Usually, that's within a day of ovulation. If you could predict when you were ovulating, which is usually around the 18th day.

55:54 Adam I can tell when I'm ovulating.

55:55 Drew I'm sure.

55:56 Adam The cat starts acting funny.

56:00 Drew Then the rest of the time, you're safe. The problem is more than one egg may be released. It's hard to predict when there's a release. An egg may survive a little longer than you expect. It's a very treacherous thing to try to determine.

56:12 Adam But normally, you ovulate about two weeks after you end your cycle.

56:19 Caller Yeah.

56:21 Adam Something like that. Like in the middle.

56:23 Caller Yeah.

56:25 Adam That's normally when you ovulate. Okay. So you have less chance while you're on your period, or right before your period, or right after your period, but that doesn't mean it ain't going to happen because everyone's different.

56:37 Drew And also during a period that's less available, endometrium, something for implantation. So where they're available.

56:43 Adam What is that endometrium?

56:44 Drew The line of the uterus so something can implant in there and grow.

56:49 Adam What is the lining of the uterus?

56:50 Drew It comes off during the period.

56:51 Adam No.

56:52 Drew Sluffs off.

56:53 Caller Yeah.

56:55 Drew You like that sloughing phenomenon, don't you?

56:57 Adam I don't like that sloughing phenomenon. I really don't. The idea that you're sort of that whole cycling thing, I don't like it.

57:09 Drew You're just shedding the lining of the uterus.

57:11 Adam Yeah.

57:12 Drew Like a snake sheds its skin.

57:14 Adam Snake. Yes. Very interesting. You snake. Jim.

57:19 Caller Hey.

57:20 Adam Hey, you're 22.

57:21 Drew Yeah.

57:21 Caller I'm a aspiring bodybuilder. I'm taking Norandrostine Dione.

57:28 Drew Androstine Dione, yeah.

57:30 Caller Well, Norandro. I'm not sure what the other drug they use in it. And I'm also-

57:35 Adam Well, one of them sung the theme to the Titanic, right?

57:39 Caller Yeah, that's right.

57:40 Adam Thank you. I like to get in a legitimate joke every once in a while, even if it's bad.

57:45 Caller You got to do it, man. I'm also taking Androstine Dione. I'm just wondering what kind of serious health effects I could have in this.

57:55 Drew So these are just anabolic androgenic hormones, right?

57:58 Caller Yeah.

57:58 Drew Are they injectables?

57:59 Caller No, these are- Actually, you can buy them right off the shelf. They're just pills.

58:06 Drew So it's Androstine Dione, basically.

58:07 Caller Yeah.

58:08 Adam All right. How much are those pills?

58:10 Caller One bottle costs $25 for 60 pills and the other bottle costs $34 for 60 pills.

58:16 Adam How long does the 60 pills last you?

58:19 Caller Two months.

58:20 Adam Oh, that's not bad.

58:21 Caller See, I just take one of each before my workout.

58:25 Adam Yeah.

58:25 Caller Also, about creatine, I think a lot of people don't realize what it does. I think there are a lot of misconceptions about it.

58:34 Drew What's your understanding of it?

58:36 Caller Well, a lot of people talked about, well, I take it for endurance and stuff like that. I just read a study from Germany and they found out that it really doesn't help a lot with endurance.

58:48 Drew Right, it's strength.

58:49 Caller Yeah, a lot of it is strength.

58:51 Drew Yeah, it's strength. It increases availability of phosphate.

58:55 Adam How dangerous is this creatine?

58:58 Drew We don't know. Probably no big deal. As far as we can tell.

59:01 Caller You know, these people who take it, I don't think, drink enough water with it for one thing.

59:06 Drew Well, Jim, look, here's a couple of principles. There's no free lunch in nature. You do something that alters your physiology, there will be an effect, a side effect beyond the one you're looking for. Always. I don't care what it is, there's always a side, a law of unintended effects. Now, as far as Anderstein Dionne goes, these are potentially rather potent androgens.

59:26 Caller Yes, they are.

59:27 Drew And excess androgens potentially could increase the risk of prostate cancer, heart disease, strokes, liver inflammation. We just don't know how much, how long, with that particular chemical before we're gonna see these things. So the easy answer or the simple answer is we don't know, to your question.

59:43 Adam Well, are you gonna compete?

59:46 Caller I'm not, I'm just looking to just get my body up into a better physical condition. I don't want to be all freaked out. I don't even, I don't want to take injectable steroids or anything like that.

59:57 Drew And those definitely, we know, cause all those problems I've mentioned. And in addition, mood problems and oh boy.

1:00:03 Adam You know what's kind of weird though? Sort of ironic that you want to get yourself into better shape. You potentially could be screwing your liver up or something.

1:00:11 Caller Yeah, you know, I'm, I try to research these as best as I can.

1:00:15 Drew Jim?

1:00:16 Adam But let me tell you about something here, Jim.

1:00:19 Caller Okay.

1:00:19 Adam First off, you shouldn't care what you look like. You should only care what other people think you look like. That's what I'm going to tell my kids by the way. Because really, who cares what you think? Now, as far as what other people think, women, and that's the only other people I'm really worried about, these guys can kiss my ass, is women like a lean physique. They like swimmers, volleyball players, drug addicts, musicians, middleweight to light heavyweight boxers. Some guy goes about 175 pounds and he's 6 foot tall. That's what they like. Now, the big muscle head guys, they do that for guys, not for girls because girls don't really aren't really into it. Except for this really stupid girls. Yeah. Which is just all right because sometimes they're better looking. But the point is here's my problem with working out. Soon as you stop, you pretty much bounce back to whatever you were before you started doing it. Really, it's a matter of weeks or months sometimes. It's kind of pathetic that you put in five years in the gym, let's say. Then you tweak your ankle playing a game of pick up hoop in bed for six weeks, and you basically snap back to what you were. Which is kind of sad. It's almost like spending five years to get a degree, and then you take a month vacation from work, and you got to go back to college for another five years to get the degree. The math doesn't gel for me. So it seems to me that guys, you should just be eating decent, just doing something you like, working out, not getting fat.

1:02:05 Drew Right, working out should be a lifetime lifestyle commitment, because it's got to be something you can maintain for decades.

1:02:13 Adam Right, right. Mike, you're 30.

1:02:17 Yes, Adam, Dr. Drew, good evening. Long time listener, first time caller.

1:02:22 Drew Thank you.

1:02:22 Adam Thanks.

1:02:23 Caller Love the show, been listening since almost about three years now, I guess. When you started, fantastic. I wanted to clarify the crab situation out in the field for the soldiers. The guy that was saying that you're crawling around out in the bush there, that's where we'd catch the crabs. Well, you know, the crab's got to live off of the hair follicles and the skin.

1:02:42 Drew Right.

1:02:42 Caller Well, what it was is all of us GIs when we were in the, when we were in Garrison, you know, when we weren't out in the field, we were all out banging hookers and getting rub jobs and doing things like that.

1:02:52 Adam As I say, it's more crawled around trying to find the ping pong ball that went flying from the chick's crotch in the Bangkok brothel more than it is being out in the field.

1:03:04 Drew But then it starts bugging them when they're out in the field.

1:03:06 Caller Exactly, because we had like two-man rooms, sometimes three-man rooms, and so everybody was pretty segregated. But when we'd go out in the field, they'd set up like a GP medium tent or a GP large, and you'd have anywhere from 40, 50, 60, 70 guys sleeping in one tent with bunks, and they're all sitting on each other's bunks and mingling with each other.

1:03:27 Drew The crabs are having a good old time.

1:03:29 Caller It would literally just sweep through a whole company.

1:03:32 Adam How can you masturbate in that kind of environment?

1:03:35 Caller You know, at 2 o'clock in the morning we go on guard duty and nobody's really awake. You kind of look one way and you look the other and you're just, oh how do you say it, you empty one out of the chamber.

1:03:44 Adam Yeah. Well, put the silencer on, screw it on to the end of the penis.

1:03:48 Caller Yeah, and it kind of makes it, the only thing that puts a damper on is when you have one guy off in the corner crying like, I miss my mommy, I miss my mommy. It tends to kind of damper, but you get through it.

1:03:59 Adam It's hard to focus, in other words, when a guy's going through, you know, when a guy's home sick and he's crying about his girlfriend or his mom and you're trying to focus on your masturbation.

1:04:09 Caller That's when you reach down and you remember that first porno tape that you saw.

1:04:13 Adam I thought everyone in the military had to whack off to Connie Stevens because Bob Hope always brought her around on this USO show. So isn't that some sort of regulation, Drew? Okay.

1:04:23 Caller Oh, well.

1:04:24 Adam Fine.

1:04:25 Caller Anyway, thanks a lot, guys.

1:04:26 Adam Thanks, Mike. Take care of yourself. All right, what's the deal? The crab lives off the follicle?

1:04:33 Drew You know what they live on? But they reside at the follicle.

1:04:37 Adam Oh, they reside at the follicle.

1:04:39 Drew Right at the base. The base of the hair is where they live.

1:04:41 Adam That's where they live. Why? Not on the hair?

1:04:44 Drew I do not know much about the life cycle of the crab, nor the taste preferences.

1:04:48 Adam Seems that it'd be a hard place to root them out of there because they're right at the base. Like if they hung around at the end of the hair, you could sort of comb them through or flip them off, right?

1:04:58 Caller Right.

1:04:59 Drew They can't really do that.

1:05:00 Adam So they hang out at the base of the follicle of the pubic hair. And what do you think? Do you don't know what they live off of?

1:05:06 Caller Nope.

1:05:07 Adam But they don't.

1:05:08 Drew They must be blood because the lice carry blood-borne diseases. They carry diseases, rickettsial diseases.

1:05:15 Adam So they must get in and suck some blood.

1:05:17 Caller Yeah.

1:05:19 Adam Drew, you got to bring in one of those-

1:05:21 Caller Pictures?

1:05:22 Adam Yeah. Electron microscope shots of a crab. That ain't right. Those, I mean, it's bizarre, right? Yeah. I think I've seen those. Yeah, yeah.

1:05:32 Drew Scary.

1:05:33 Caller Okay.

1:05:34 Drew All right.

1:05:34 Adam I'm gonna go scratch now because we've been talking about this for too long. When we come back, we'll talk to Andre. Wants to know if you can get sick from ingesting the yeast during oral sex. Oh, I'm gonna throw up and then I'm gonna scratch.

1:05:51 Caller The phone number for Loveline is 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:05:55 Caller Loveline will be right back.

1:06:20 Caller Hi, this is David Spade. When I'm driving around listening to the radio, if there's absolutely nothing on any other station, I listen to Loveline with Adam and Drew because I'm naughty.

1:06:31 Adam It's been too long since David was on the show.

1:06:34 Drew Now, he is a big start out.

1:06:35 Adam He is a big start out.

1:06:37 He's done.

1:06:38 Drew When people come big stars, we don't see them anymore.

1:06:41 Adam If I see them, I'll talk some sense into them. I haven't seen them around in a while either. I don't think. I used to run into them in a lot of places. Where did I see them? Oh, yeah. Where was that? Oh, that was Chris's birthday party? Yeah, I talked to him there. I was so loaded at this party because Drew gave me this, I had an infected tooth. Drew gave me these antibiotics and told me not to drink, but he really should have driven the point home more. Oh, I had a couple of martinis with this, with this antibiotic he gave me and I started spinning around. I mean, I was out of it. I was out of it a huge way.

1:07:23 Drew Well, what did I tell you?

1:07:26 Adam Well, I figured that out, though. I figured, listen, my blood alcohol level is not over the legal limit, right, Drew?

1:07:34 Drew We don't know that.

1:07:34 Adam Well, it wasn't.

1:07:36 Drew Okay, if you say so, you were already pull over and tested?

1:07:39 Adam No, I wasn't, but I used to teach traffic school, comedy traffic school, but I still know if you have like a couple of high balls in the course of like four or five hours, you're not over the legal limit. Although, because I had these antibiotics that you gave me, I was feeling a little out of it. Well, what was I going to do, let Mike drive? No, he was like, Oh, Jesus Christ, he was a mess. You think he's sloppy drunk when he comes in here to work, Drew, you really should have seen him that night. But the point is, Drew, is I don't know which antibiotics you gave me, but you shouldn't be drinking with those.

1:08:19 Drew I told you that.

1:08:20 Adam I know, but I wasn't planning on drinking, so I didn't think about it at the time. What's it do to you?

1:08:26 Drew It's more of what it does to the liver when you add alcohol to it.

1:08:32 Adam What about other stuff with booze, like sleeping pills, stuff like that?

1:08:35 Drew That just makes the effects more pronounced.

1:08:37 Adam But doesn't screw your liver up?

1:08:38 Drew No.

1:08:38 Adam Oh, okay. All right.

1:08:41 Caller That's good.

1:08:42 Adam Hey, Andre. Hello? What's going on? Hello? Yeah, because I think booze is like sort of a catalyst for a lot of these pills. It really kicks them off, you know what I mean?

1:08:52 Drew A lot of these pills you take.

1:08:53 Adam Yeah, the pill alone is all right, but you wash it down with some booze and now you really got... It's like pouring a little of that octane boost in your car, you know, it really comes alive. Yes, thank you. Andre?

1:09:05 Caller Hello?

1:09:06 Adam Yeah, what's going on?

1:09:07 Caller Okay, so yesterday night, I was eating my girlfriend's vagina and it tasted kind of chalky and when it didn't, it's like sour or something. So like I turned on the light and it was like, I could tell something was wrong. And then I remember reading about cottage cheese type discharge from like a yeast infection. So my question is like, cause I kind of feel kind of ill after that.

1:09:36 Drew Oh please, it won't hurt you.

1:09:38 Caller It won't cause I feel like I'm like, like corners of my mouth have broken out or something like that.

1:09:42 Adam Oh wow, have they?

1:09:44 Caller Yeah, like kind of like little.

1:09:46 Drew Interestingly, that's an interesting observation cause you can get yeast in the mouth. It's called thrush then.

1:09:53 Adam Yeah, yeah.

1:09:54 Caller Oh man.

1:09:56 Adam Oh man. Hey Andre.

1:09:58 Drew Sometimes.

1:09:59 Adam Andre went and turned the light on. It's gone down on the cat.

1:10:04 Drew Sometimes thrush can be associated with something called chelosis, which are these tiny cracks in the corners of the mouth. So if you, you know, but usually you wouldn't get thrush if your immune system is normal.

1:10:15 Adam Why'd your girlfriend let you do that if she was having difficulty down there?

1:10:19 Caller I'm not sure. Maybe she was just playing a joke on me or something.

1:10:23 Caller But it was pretty nappy though.

1:10:24 Adam Playing a joke on him. She couldn't have got that...

1:10:27 Caller I don't know. I asked the same thing. I was like...

1:10:29 Adam Can of peanut brittle with the snake into it. You had to go down on her while she had a yeast infection. What's some sense of humor?

1:10:38 Caller I do it pretty much every night, but I don't even know how it happened. But I was kind of pissed off that she didn't...

1:10:46 Drew Maybe she didn't know.

1:10:47 Caller Yeah.

1:10:47 Adam Yeah.

1:10:48 Caller But I mean, I should, how long does it take to heal up or something?

1:10:52 Drew Heal one up.

1:10:53 Caller For her vagina to like...

1:10:55 Drew Very fast if she gets the medication. If she has yeast, if there's some question, she needs to see a doctor, a cultured...

1:11:00 Adam Hey, Andre, you're doing this every night?

1:11:02 Caller I try to.

1:11:03 Adam Yeah. You enjoy it?

1:11:05 Caller I love it.

1:11:06 Adam Yeah. See, there's a handful of guys that are really into this and they really screw things. They screw the curve up for the other guys who look at it as sort of, you know, putting their time in.

1:11:16 Caller Oh, like my mouth acidity somehow messes up her pH or something?

1:11:20 Adam No. What I'm saying is, I don't know what the percentage is.

1:11:24 Drew Adam isn't worried about your girlfriend, he's worried about himself. And by the way, just being, you know, having your mouth.

1:11:30 Adam Your ultimate nightmare, hold on a second, Drew, is going out with Andre's girlfriend after Andre got to her. Oh, yeah. Andre used to go down there and gnaw away like one of those beavers in a cartoon when they were like eating a log, you know, turning a tree into a toothpick, you know, in ten seconds. Every night Andre did that. That's a tough act to follow.

1:11:57 Drew It's a precedent, huh?

1:11:58 Adam Yeah, that's a bitch. All right, so what were you saying, Drew?

1:12:02 Drew That also you can get the irritation in the corner of the mouth from nutritional deficiencies and or just irritating your mouth, spending too much time with your mouth.

1:12:10 Adam In a hostile environment. Right, right, right. True, one should not spend too much time down there, should they? Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's a bad thing, but every night, like I said, you're setting yourself up for a fall, because there's really nowhere to go from there but down. Right, Drew? Okay. Kelly.

1:12:32 Caller Yeah.

1:12:33 Adam You're 22.

1:12:34 Caller Yes, I am.

1:12:35 Adam What's going on?

1:12:36 Caller I have, I think I'm losing my mind, I swear.

1:12:40 Adam Hold on. Are you on some kind of speaker phone?

1:12:42 Caller I am. My clothes went down while I was on hold.

1:12:46 Adam All right. Well, pick the phone up. Would you screwball?

1:12:49 Caller There?

1:12:50 Adam There we go.

1:12:51 Caller Okay. I'm sorry. It starts beeping. I've got problems. I'm a single mother. I just have, my son's going to be a year old. I had not had sex in over a year for obvious reasons. I got involved. I had a friend. We were talking for quite a while and somehow it ended up sexual. And it was an agreement ahead of time that there was going to be a no strings attached type situation.

1:13:16 Drew Whose idea was that?

1:13:17 Caller Both.

1:13:18 Caller Okay. At first I thought I wanted a relationship, but now I mean, I'm getting ready to finish my bachelor's degree and-

1:13:24 Drew So it wasn't your idea. It was his idea.

1:13:27 Caller Yeah.

1:13:27 Adam Oh, Drew, stop imposing your will on everybody.

1:13:31 Drew No, it's, look, I think women get into those kinds of relationships because they have to. Because the guy won't maintain the relationship unless she agrees to it. And she's sort of embarrassed that she's not acting like a liberated woman if she doesn't accept the terms of a ridiculous relationship.

1:13:46 Adam And she's sort of desperate for anything, so she'll take what she can-

1:13:49 Caller I'm not desperate, no.

1:13:51 Adam Well, a little bit.

1:13:52 Drew Well, you put up with this crap.

1:13:53 Caller Well, not really, I mean-

1:13:55 Adam All right, so what happened?

1:13:56 Caller So it's starting to get weird. I mean, he's like bringing gifts over, spending the night, things like that, and it's totally not what we agreed on.

1:14:04 Adam Oh, see that, Drew?

1:14:05 Drew So he's getting involved.

1:14:07 Caller And I'm getting- I mean, it's weird because the type of person he is, he's a great friend, the sex is great, but I'm not going to want anything more with him because of the way he is. I know that he's not going to contribute to a relationship what I want him to. You know?

1:14:19 Caller Well.

1:14:21 Caller It's weird.

1:14:21 Drew How is he? What is it that he is?

1:14:25 Caller Everything works one way. It's all what he wants. It's all what he wants to do. You know? Things like that. That's not how a relationship works. And I've learned that the hard way. You know? And I just, I don't know. I feel like I'm being the man in the situation and it's weird. There really is.

1:14:43 Adam Hold on. Let me talk to Drew for a second.

1:14:45 Drew Guys too nice.

1:14:47 Adam Okay.

1:14:47 Drew Guys too nice.

1:14:48 Adam Hold on a second now. On one hand, you think you're hearing someone who's healthy.

1:14:52 Drew Yeah, no, no, no.

1:14:53 Adam Right? You think, yeah, but on one hand, you go, well, here's a woman who knows what the guy is capable of and what he's not capable of, knows what she wants out of a relationship, and feels that her needs aren't going to be met, and is making very mature decisions, especially at the age of 22, and saying that she doesn't want to get more involved with this guy, knowing the way it's going to be. Then you realize she got a kid with no original guy around, learned the hard way. She's 22, and she's one of our callers.

1:15:26 Drew Well, and did you hear what she said? He's screwing with my mind. He's bringing me nice gifts. He's fawning over me. He's making me feel like he really cares about him. But I know things are just one way with him.

1:15:36 Adam All right, so you're going to go with too nice. Like Kelly's dad was a little bit of a prick, right?

1:15:43 Drew Quite a little bit.

1:15:44 Adam Okay, let's see about that. Kelly?

1:15:47 Caller Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm back on speakerphone.

1:15:49 Adam All right.

1:15:49 Caller The phone died. Don't hang up on me.

1:15:51 Adam Okay.

1:15:51 Drew Pick up the phone.

1:15:52 Adam She can't. The phone died.

1:15:54 Caller The phone died.

1:15:55 Adam Doesn't it charge when you put it down on the...

1:15:58 Caller Charges, but it's like messed up, and it has to charge for like six hours.

1:16:02 Adam Okay. Okay. Listen, Kelly.

1:16:05 Caller Yeah.

1:16:06 Adam Now what?

1:16:07 Caller Now what?

1:16:07 Adam Okay, good. Listen to me. Is your dad an A-hole?

1:16:12 Caller Pretty much, yeah.

1:16:13 Adam Yeah. He was a little bit abusive?

1:16:15 Caller He wasn't abusive at all, no. But my mom and my dad were together, totally nuclear family and everything. But my mom died three years ago. My dad got married two months afterwards. Are you something?

1:16:29 Adam Well, you hold that against him. But other than that, is a father to you. How was he?

1:16:37 Caller Well, I don't speak to him anymore. It's kind of more than I can go into. But I don't speak to him anymore. He's kind of a jerk. But he did support me through my whole life. And he drove a truck, so he wasn't around a lot.

1:16:51 Adam Yeah.

1:16:52 Caller But other than that, I mean...

1:16:54 Adam All right, he's a jerk. And your first boyfriend was a jerk, right? Just like your dad.

1:16:59 Caller They've all been jerks. I'm a jerk magnet. It's the story of my life.

1:17:02 Drew Yeah, until this guy.

1:17:02 Adam Until this guy. This guy's willing to be a decent guy, but you're not going to have any of it.

1:17:08 Caller And that's what I thought.

1:17:09 Adam It makes you sick. He looks, he seems weak.

1:17:12 Drew Right. You're the man.

1:17:13 Adam You're the man. And he's the woman because he's vulnerable.

1:17:16 Drew Because, God forbid, he's being emotionally available to you.

1:17:20 Caller That's what I thought.

1:17:21 Adam Yeah.

1:17:22 Caller See, I thought I was reading too much into it, but I, I don't know.

1:17:25 Drew Yeah, you are. She's not hearing you, Adam.

1:17:27 Adam Hey, listen, screwball.

1:17:29 Caller I hear you. I hear you.

1:17:30 Drew No, this is a good guy is what we're telling you. You just can't handle it.

1:17:36 Caller Okay.

1:17:36 Adam Don't you understand what we're telling you?

1:17:38 Caller I understand and don't get rid of him.

1:17:40 Adam No, you don't like him because he's a good guy.

1:17:43 Caller Okay.

1:17:44 Adam All you can handle is an a-hole.

1:17:46 Caller Do I need to go to therapy?

1:17:48 Drew Yes, or just hang in with this guy and try to be available and see what happens.

1:17:53 Caller Okay, but I'm just worried because of my son being involved in it.

1:17:57 Drew He's already involved.

1:17:58 Adam Listen, you're not worried about your son. You wouldn't have had a kid with an a-hole in the first place who abandoned you.

1:18:04 Caller True.

1:18:04 Adam All right, then. Stop worrying about you. Everyone's worried about their kids. Meanwhile, the original dad's in jail, you know. Their kids are so worried about the kids that they don't have a dad. Believe me, if some joker on a Harley pulled up, she'd leave the kid, tell the kid to watch himself. Play with the space eater. I got to go. I got to go to the bar with Tex. But listen, Drew and I both knew what was going on. Actually, Drew knew first, but it dawned on me. Hey, this guy's actually a nice guy. He brings her presents. Listen, you screwed up. You screwed up broads out there. There's a lot of women out there, because their dads were a-holes and because all they know is abusive guys, that if they find a guy is actually somewhat empathic, then a guy brings him a stuffed animal every once in a while or cries during a sad movie.

1:19:01 Drew Screwing with their minds.

1:19:03 Adam He is a woman.

1:19:04 Caller Yeah.

1:19:05 Adam His strength is-

1:19:07 Drew Detachment.

1:19:08 Adam Yeah, you have to be detached and you have to be somewhat abusive, at least verbally, to be strong as a male.

1:19:15 Drew It's so sick.

1:19:17 Adam Yeah, it's sick, but it's what Trucker Pop taught her.

1:19:20 Drew Yep.

1:19:21 Adam Alright. Trucker Pop, that's a good name. Alright, let's, let's, yeah.

1:19:28 Drew Alisa, can't forget the cruel things her ex said. We'll find out what those things were.

1:19:33 Adam I'm not going to stick around for that. Find a better one. Sports? No. Jennifer? Jennifer got HPV. That's the human papilloma virus, right?

1:19:44 Drew Warts.

1:19:45 Adam Warts. Did they really need the human in front of it? It couldn't just be the papilloma virus, and we'd assume that Jennifer wasn't a coyote.

1:19:55 Drew Wasn't with a coyote.

1:19:57 Adam Wasn't humping a warthog. Jennifer has the human papilloma virus from her rapist. Ooh. Got breast reduction and broke up with boyfriend. Will men still like her? Wow. All right. Now that's something. We'll be back.

1:20:21 Adam and Dr. Drew will be right back on Loveline in just a minute or two. Call 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:20:44 Drew Yeah, I see.

1:20:46 Adam Unless I can get Mike to make a move.

1:20:50 Drew I'm homosexual.

1:20:51 Adam Sure, the mic's on. Phone number. Oh, forget about that. Jennifer, boy, this is heavy. Jennifer?

1:20:58 Caller Yeah, hi.

1:20:59 Adam You're 26.

1:21:01 Caller Yes, I am.

1:21:03 Adam You got the warts from a rapist.

1:21:07 Caller Yes, I did.

1:21:08 Adam What happened with that?

1:21:10 Caller Well, he was an acquaintance, and he wanted to have sex, and I wouldn't have sex with him, so he raped me anally. Oh, boy. And when he did this, he gave me, you know, the HPV virus.

1:21:25 Adam And you're saying acquaintance. What's that mean?

1:21:29 Caller Excuse me?

1:21:29 Adam What do you mean, an acquaintance?

1:21:32 Caller Well, he was an acquaintance. I had met him, and I had explained to him on several different occasions that I wasn't interested in anything other than just that kind of a relationship as an acquaintance kind of thing.

1:21:43 Drew Did you date him?

1:21:45 Caller No, I did not.

1:21:46 Adam Okay. And it was someone you knew from work or school or something?

1:21:49 Caller No, I had met him one day when I was downtown, and, you know, we just started talking and stuff. And, you know, I just, I, after the initial time, after I'd met him the initial time, I just didn't, I decided in my head that I didn't like him. He just wasn't the kind of person.

1:22:05 Adam Right. Well, how'd you run into him again?

1:22:09 Caller Well, he came to my house and he knocked on the door, and I went to the door and no one answered, and knocked again. I looked outside and he was out there. And he came in and he basically just...

1:22:20 Adam Oh boy. How do you know where you lived?

1:22:23 Caller Because he had been to my home before.

1:22:26 Adam All right, now hold on now. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not making this your fault in any way, but you were downtown, you met a guy, you didn't like him, and he moved on, and now he's...

1:22:37 Caller I didn't know. I mean, I had given him my number and said, yeah, call me. Let's, you know, we'll get to know each other. And after the first time I got to know him, I didn't like him. He kept coming back around and kept coming back around, and I was trying to be nice about it and say, look, I'm not interested in you in that way.

1:22:53 Adam All right. All right. So now, did you bring charges against this guy?

1:22:58 Caller I tried, but they couldn't find him.

1:22:59 Drew Oh, boy. Okay.

1:23:00 Caller All right.

1:23:02 Caller Right.

1:23:03 Adam So, but it's on the record somewhere, right?

1:23:06 Caller Yes, it is.

1:23:06 Adam I mean, they got the guy's name and everything?

1:23:08 Caller Yes. Yes.

1:23:09 Adam And did he have a, hold a knife to you or something?

1:23:14 Caller No, he didn't, not violently in that way, no.

1:23:18 Adam How, pardon me for being crude, but how does a guy, you know, how do they, how do you get in that orifice without some serious force?

1:23:29 Caller Well, he was about six foot five and about 270 pounds.

1:23:33 Drew So he just scared you so much?

1:23:35 Caller Really, exactly.

1:23:37 Adam Oh, had you, had anything like this happened to you before?

1:23:40 Caller When I was younger, yeah, by my father.

1:23:43 Drew Oh, there we go.

1:23:44 Caller Magical.

1:23:45 Caller Magical, yeah, exactly. I know who you guys talk about.

1:23:49 Adam I gotta tell you, Jennifer, something...

1:23:51 Drew We knew it from the beginning.

1:23:52 Adam Yeah, we did. But, well, on a couple levels, there's two things I've learned from this show that I didn't know before. And TV actually doesn't portray rape this way, but they just started actually recently with a lot of those movies of the week and all that stuff, you know, the multi, the multi-title movies that I like so much. But I thought rapists, you know, I thought 95% of rape happened to women who were jogging in park and gang members came out of bushes kind of thing. I've realized from this show that it's the other way around. Ninety-something percent of rape is women, is perpetrated by guys that the women knew and that women had some history of victimization usually early on. And I'm not 13 or 14, but eight or nine. Seven. Something that their dad did. Something that made this guy attracted to you and something that let you let him know where you live or whatever it is. Exactly. Oh, it's horrible. It's really like your dad raped you twice or put you on the installment plan. It's like they raped you when you were seven and then raped you when you were 24 or whenever this happened.

1:25:06 Drew All right, well, Jennifer, what's your question for us tonight?

1:25:08 Adam Oh, man. Well, how long ago did this happen?

1:25:11 Caller A little over a year.

1:25:13 Adam Oh, boy.

1:25:13 Drew You need to be aware that, I don't want to scare you with this, but it may be through regular screening, see a gastroenterologist or proctologist, they can help you with this one, but anal warts are associated. For people who get anal cancers, there's almost always a history of anal human papillomavirus.

1:25:29 Caller Right, right. And I had the laser surgery already to have him removed.

1:25:35 Adam Good God, I hope they catch up to this guy.

1:25:38 Caller I do, too. I have a private investigator, actually, who's trying to find him.

1:25:42 Adam Oh, really?

1:25:42 Caller Yes, I do. And I've been in counseling.

1:25:44 Drew You've had some therapy. I was going to say that.

1:25:46 Caller You can tell.

1:25:47 Caller I have come to a realization that you kind of attract, when you feel that bad about yourself, you kind of attract those kind of people to you. And I guess my question was, I mean, after that, I had breast reduction surgery and they had to go and reconstruct my breasts because they were so large. And so I have scars now and then I've had that happen. And I'm just wondering, you know, how can I ever, how do I approach this, you know, how do I approach this subject with anyone in the future? I just-

1:26:18 Drew The rape and abuse issues?

1:26:19 Caller Right. And without, you know, how do you tell someone that you're interested in, you've, you know, you met them, you're thinking about having a relationship or something. And how do you, I'm just not quite sure. I mean, if I were a man and a woman was to tell me that, I would be blown away. I wouldn't know how to handle it.

1:26:37 Adam Yeah. Well, listen, a lot of people aren't going to like this advice. But I just, I'd keep it under my hat. I think this is a, you know, this is, it's a manifestation of your childhood and the atrocities that your dad committed upon you. It's sort of between you and your therapist. It's great to find an empathic guy. But I think he needs to know that maybe things weren't as great as they could be growing up and so forth. But I don't think he needs every detail of your life, certainly not your adult life.

1:27:11 Drew It's more that you have to be careful not to choose guys who are victimizers or who are savers, fixers. You're going to have to be very tuned in to who you're dating and work real diligently in your therapy.

1:27:22 Adam Jennifer, where are you calling from? Washington. Oh, yeah. Well, I was going to say as far as catching this guy, because I was just reading the note that the court sent to Mr. Cotrula Ola, which is me, by the way, about my court date, which came and went, regarding the guy who destroyed my property. I was going to say, if the guy goes on to rape, it may be difficult, at least if he was out here in California, Southern California, for them to apprehend him. But one day he'll slip up and get a parking ticket, or he'll let his registration roll over at the DMV.

1:28:03 Drew SWAT team.

1:28:04 Adam Then the SWAT team comes in. That's when the helicopter over the guy's house is hovering and the guys rappel down. Because rape, I don't think there's much in it for them, revenue wise. Do you have to pay anything when you rape somebody if you get caught? There's no dues, there's no back taxes, nothing like that?

1:28:25 Drew No more.

1:28:26 Adam No. Jackasses.

1:28:28 Drew Before you keep, let's get some calls.

1:28:30 Oh, no.

1:28:31 Adam Goddamn, I am so mad. My girlfriend said to me today, you missed your court appearance. The court appearance where I had to show up at court bringing receipts. So I could prove that the guy who destroyed my car destroyed my car.

1:28:48 Caller Oh, boy.

1:28:49 Adam After I showed up at court with my receipts three years ago, and we settled on a price. You, you guys are so effing pathetic. Jesus Christ. It's like, why don't you just put a bucket at the goddamn 7-Eleven and we could feed it like you're one of Jerry's kids, you pathetic fundraising bastards? Do your goddamn job. God damn it. I gotta go in there. Oh, for Christ's sake. They're the most inept. You know what it goes from. Don't you turn that crap down. I'm pissed off.

1:29:33 Drew They'll arrest you.

1:29:35 Adam Listen to me, you pathetic blood-sucking vampires over there at the DMV in the Van Nuys Courthouse, you pathetic worthless bastards. Listen to me. I want you to use the same guys to find the guy who owes me money that you use when you figure out that I owe you $36.50 for the parking ticket. Can you use the same computer? Put McGruff on that one, would you? It's incomprehensible. I mean, I bring the receipts down there. I make my case, they establish the thing, and then it disappears from their computer. Nothing disappears when you owe them money. I guarantee you that. Some a-hole owes me $4,000, and I gotta quit my job to go down there and fill a buster. It's ridiculous.

1:30:36 Caller Well, I have a microphone.

1:30:38 Adam I swear to God, I wanna sue those people. I gotta go, I'm gonna call them tomorrow and keep you guys abreast of what's going on.

1:30:46 Drew We gotta go to break.

1:30:47 Adam You don't. All right. Just, it is, I swear, we gotta get away. It's this affirmative action, Drew. That's what it's gotta be. I don't know, someone's got a clean house over there. All right, we'll be back.

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Sunday, May 30, 1999