Episode 1000754887408

0:01 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience.

0:08 Voiceover Now, here's Loveline.

0:10 Voiceover 1-800-LOVE-191 What?

0:15 Voiceover Are you insane?

0:16 Adam Hey, hey, it's the Loveline. I'm Adam Carolla. That is Dr. Drew. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-191, fax number 310-854-4455. Tonight, our guest, although he's not in here just quite yet, will be Andrew Dice Clay, who of course I've seen and heard for many years, but I've never met. Drew, you ever met him?

0:41 Drew I don't think so, no.

0:42 Adam Never come on this show?

0:43 Drew Not that I can recall, no.

0:44 Adam Drew's been doing this show 12 years longer than I have, and a lot of people have rolled through here. Just about everybody, usually before they heated up.

0:53 Drew Now be fair, this is Tuesday, yeah, 12 years, okay.

0:56 Adam Yeah, okay. All right, Woody. Point is, is he'll be in here a little bit later on tonight. He's probably doing a gig or something, isn't he? Ann, where is he?

1:08 I'm not sure. I just know he couldn't make it to 11.

1:10 Adam All right. Well, the Dice man will be in here later on. Now, Ann told me right before the show started that Adam Paskowitz from The Flies is on hold.

1:20 Drew Yes, I heard.

1:20 Adam Adam, we've had on the radio show and the TV show, most recently the TV show, just a couple of weeks ago, wasn't it? I like The Flies.

1:30 Drew Nice guys.

1:31 Adam Nice guys and interesting guys. Yes.

1:33 Drew What a story.

1:34 Adam What a family. Yeah. Dad's like Sean Connery on a peyote tab or something, just traveling around, fixing people out of a van. Adam surfing and holding tourniquets for his dad. So it's a really interesting story. But anyway, Adam has another interesting story and he called anyone to share it with us. Adam? Hello. Hi.

1:58 How you guys?

1:58 Adam How you doing?

1:59 I'm doing fine.

2:01 Adam Good.

2:01 You want to hear something funny?

2:02 Adam Yeah.

2:04 Drew Please, something funny. I've been lucky with Adam for an hour.

2:06 By the way, hello to you.

2:08 Drew Hey, Adam. Thank you.

2:10 And I'm driving over there. I'm supposed to be at Westwood 1, which is where you guys do that thing. I'm making a big illegal U-turn. Wait, wait, wait.

2:17 Drew When?

2:17 Just tonight. I had some other stuff I had to do over there for K-Rock here in LA.

2:22 Drew Same studio. I see.

2:23 And so I'm making a U-turn, big illegal U-turn. And then I get pulled over by the cops.

2:31 Drew In Culver City?

2:31 In Culver City.

2:32 Drew Any left turn in Culver City.

2:34 Adam Don't screw around in Culver City.

2:36 Drew Especially turning left.

2:37 Adam Yeah.

2:37 Anyway, so I get pulled over really badly. My license has expired, of course. I feel like, OK, I'm going to the river. The guy says to me, first crack. He's like, hey, you're the guy in the plies, right? I listened to you on the love lines, whatever. And he says, you know, tell Adam that, you know, the Culver City police are not so bad. And he goes on and I'm listening every night. So I said, OK, Neil, he said, Neil and Lance. And, you know, I'll let you off the hook. You can go away. And they were all like stoked. And I just talked to myself, Jesus Christ, my life has actually turned into like a television show. I was there with an underage girl. No, my license. All you know, it is like these guys were like, they were great, man.

3:20 Drew I never want you to associate yourself with this show again.

3:23 Adam Oh, please, Drew.

3:26 Drew I'm going to bust you if the cops don't.

3:27 Adam This is great. This show is like what that old KMA of four, three, six, seven license plate frame used to mean. Or whatever the hell that was. Remember that?

3:37 Yeah, what was it?

3:39 Adam Do you remember seeing those around town?

3:40 Drew Yeah, I know what they were.

3:41 Adam It was a license plate frame that cops and friends of cops or family members of cops would put on their car so the other guys could kind of know that that was so-and-so's wife or something like that. Then they told them to take it off because gang members were starting to shoot at those cars. But the new signal is friend to Loveline.

4:03 I tell you, these guys right now, they're probably sitting in their car, drinking their coffee, listening to us.

4:12 Adam Hold on, Adam. Hold on, Drew. These guys aren't sitting in their car right now. I guarantee you. Don't want to chop. No. What are you kidding? They're probably involved in some kind of high-speed pursuit or something. These guys don't sit in their car and drink coffee.

4:27 Drew We had a few guys coming over here one night and stopping because, Adam, you were just-

4:31 Adam I was yelling about something. I don't know. But here's the problem. It's a weird job. It's one of the only jobs in the world where if you start bitching about something, cops will show up.

4:41 Caller They must have something for you because they all know you, man.

4:43 Drew They were very nice. They were very nice.

4:45 Adam Do not mess with the Culver City PD.

4:47 Drew That is true.

4:48 Adam First off, there's three of them for every one of you.

4:50 Drew Yes.

4:51 Adam They outnumber you. And I looked inside this guy's car. Not only do they have the sidearms and the shotguns, they have automatic weapons now. It is a full arsenal in there.

5:03 Caller These guys look very young. They were very nice. And they actually seem like they could be like guys that you would just see like walking down the street. But they have the brightest lights I've ever seen in my life.

5:14 Adam Yeah. Well, when you're stone and your pupils are dilated that way, all light seems, moonlight seems to hurt.

5:21 Caller No, no. But I just thought it was a hysterical story. I wanted to just call you. I just wanted to tell you. I didn't want to tell you on the air.

5:27 Drew I bet they will show up tonight. That's my prediction. Oh, there they are.

5:30 Caller Yeah. The cops are always there.

5:32 Drew They show up. No, they tend to show up when we start talking about it.

5:35 Adam All right. Well, if they want to come by, we got some coffee brewing.

5:38 Drew And Dice would love to meet them, I'm sure.

5:39 Caller Hey, you guys. Have a merry new year.

5:41 Drew Thank you, Adam.

5:42 Adam Thanks, Adam.

5:42 Caller I'll come in again and we'll talk sexual dysfunction.

5:45 Adam Thanks. See you later, guys. Say hi to the family for us. Wow. Well, that's nice.

5:51 Drew Yeah.

5:52 Adam Now I'm going to do a big donut out in the intersection when we leave tonight. Oh, I've not gotten. I got to tell you, you know how everyone complains about getting pulled over?

6:04 Drew Yeah.

6:04 Adam And the black man's always complaining about getting pulled over. Everybody's complaining about getting pulled over. But they always break it down to a race or whatever. Let me tell you something. I used to get pulled over all the time. You want to know what gets pulled over all the time? Poor people. Poor people get pulled over all the time.

6:23 Drew Why is that?

6:23 Adam I'll tell you why poor people get pulled over all the time.

6:26 Drew Lights are expired. Headlights broken.

6:29 Adam Put it this way. Put it this way. When you see it, if you were a cop and you saw a car going down the street and they saw you and your $50,000 four door talking on your cell phone, when they pulled you over, what do you think they're going to find? You know what I mean?

6:45 Drew They might be pissed and want to pull you over. Yeah, but what? I get that guy.

6:48 Adam No. You know what I mean? I mean, three quarters of pulling people over is just to see what they got in the car. It's not all about traffic violations. You know what I'm saying? If you saw you in your expensive four doors car, in your pressed collars, sitting up straight, talking in your dictaphone with the opera music blaring, you pull you over, what do you think you're going to find? Some ammunition in the trunk, some heroin, perhaps a body.

7:18 Drew Oh, you've been in my car.

7:20 Adam Nothing's going to be expired. Nothing's going to be overdue. There's not going to be any warrants. They pull you over. They're going to give you a ticket for a rolling right, or they're going to give you a warning, or whatever it is. But then you see some guy coming in, and the muffler's dragging, and there's a No Fat Chicks bumper sticker on the back window. And he's got a wire antenna. He's got a wire coat hanger where the antenna used to be. And the tabs are expired. You pull this guy over, you get the feeling he's probably drunk. Could be drunk. You know, there's 50-50 chance the guy's drunk. It's 2 in the morning, right? He's probably going to have a warrant out for him. We're probably going to find some weed in his car. Maybe we'll find a gun under his seat. I mean, that's just the way it goes.

8:06 Drew You're describing yourself as you were in that day.

8:09 Adam I used to drive beat up cars with...

8:12 Drew With warrants.

8:13 Adam With warrants, yeah. I had a level, an aluminum level, dragging from my car for a couple of days once that one of the guys I work with tied a rope to my bumper and I dragged it around. But I used to get pulled over all the time, all the time. And it wasn't because of my race, although I'm telling you that I'm sure that's a factor too. I mean, not being white. I'm sure I would have got pulled over more if I was black. But all the people that complain, all you black people complain about getting pulled over, that I guarantee that Bill Cosby does not get pulled over that much. I guarantee you that Colin Powell does not get pulled over that much because they're driving a Mercedes and they're wearing driving gloves and a $700 sweater. People that get pulled over are poor people. And poor people drive beat up cars and poor people don't have insurance and poor people have warrants and poor people are drunk and poor people got a roach clip and poor people this and poor people that. That's where they that's who gets pulled over. Ever since I made a few bucks got a decent car got insurance everything I've been pulled over. I'm dying to get pulled over now. I got everything in order. You know what I mean? The irony is now that now that I'm really ready prepared to be pulled over, I don't get pulled over anymore.

9:29 Drew I get pulled over a lot of hassle.

9:30 Adam Yeah, but you drive 85, 90 miles an hour. You don't get pulled over near as much as you should for the speed that you drive. Drew drives so fast that he has to scrape the front of his car in the driveway when he pulls in and pulls out. He can't even slow down enough to do that.

9:46 Drew Now I've driven behind you, Homer. You go about the same speed.

9:48 Adam Yeah, but I'm like a panther. I got stealth going for me. I'm so freaked out about cops that I actually look in the rearview mirror more than I look straight ahead. My head is on a swivel. I'm like an NFL linebacker dropping back into his pass coverage. When I drive, it's just... I'm just like this. And if I see a car with a different color door on it or something because it's got Bondo on it, I immediately slow down. I mean, the first thing I trigger is cars with two tones, anything. A car with ski racks behind me. Seven miles behind me. I see some ski racks pull up, I slow down. So I just constantly look everywhere. I want to get one of those radar detectors too, but I never get pulled over. Stephanie?

10:34 Yeah, hi.

10:34 Adam You're 18.

10:35 Caller Hi.

10:36 Adam What's going on?

10:36 Caller I'm calling because I really don't know where else to turn to for help. I'm still a virgin and this has really been bothering me lately. It's like I feel like everybody else I know is sleeping with their boyfriends and I'm just like...

10:49 Drew Do you have a boyfriend?

10:50 Caller No.

10:51 Drew Maybe just having a boyfriend or somebody that really cared about you would sort of take the heat off as it were. You know, it sounds like you're just sort of jealous by the... about the closeness and the relationships and the things that other people are enjoying. No? Yeah.

11:06 Caller It's just... I don't know. It's like I am like hating myself about this. Like what's wrong with me, you know?

11:12 Adam You a big gal?

11:14 Caller No. No.

11:15 Drew This is a choice on your part.

11:17 Caller What?

11:17 Drew This has been a choice on your part?

11:20 Caller Sort of. I mean, I've had the opportunity but not like very recently and not with anybody that I'd really want to.

11:28 Adam Yeah.

11:29 Drew Have you had a boyfriend?

11:30 Caller Yeah. I've had boyfriends but not in the past couple of years.

11:33 Adam Nobody really gets to have sex with the people they want to. You just settle. That's about 90 percent of sex. Then even if you do get to have sex with the person you want to have sex with, three weeks into it, you don't really want to have sex with them either. So I don't know. Why is that? Well, you got a lot of tang when you were younger. You were good-looking, pre-med and all that kind of stuff. I always felt like I was settling. I'm sure they did too. Oh man. Man, do they feel like they're settling. But Stephanie, here's the bottom line. You get whatever you want. Not necessarily what you'd like, but what you deserve and want. I mean, what you go for. You know what I mean? I mean, if you don't have a boyfriend, ultimately it's because you don't want a boyfriend on some level.

12:23 Drew Right. Right?

12:25 Adam If you wanted a boyfriend, you'd have a boyfriend.

12:27 Caller Well, I don't know. I mean, I want a boyfriend, but...

12:30 Adam Yeah, but it's almost like, it's almost like, you know, like saying, I want a dog. But two years goes by, you don't get a dog. And then you always have a reason. I'm not around. I can't this. But ultimately, if you really wanted a dog, you'd go get one. You'd go get a boyfriend if you really wanted one.

12:47 Caller But I'm not like one of those people that just... I'm not very outgoing and I don't meet people easily. So, I don't know. It's hard for me to meet boys. I never know what to say to them.

12:56 Drew All right. That's... You have a place to start anyway. You know what the problem is. You need to meet more people. Are you at school now?

13:03 Caller Yeah.

13:04 Drew College?

13:04 Caller Yeah.

13:06 Drew Living in... New school?

13:08 Caller Yeah. I just started a new school.

13:10 Drew You're living at home?

13:11 Caller Yeah. Still live at home.

13:13 Adam Yeah. What's wrong with that?

13:15 Drew I mean, if you go away to college, you're sort of thrown into a community. You become a member of that community as opposed to a school you commute to.

13:21 Adam Oh, Drew, you don't know how good you had it. College is really sex camp with books. That's what they really ought to call college, sex camp. I mean, what a difference. I mean, there's a big difference between you turning 18 and going to work, you turning 18 and living at home, and going to junior college, riding your Schwinn apple crate down the street to the junior college, and you just shipping off and going to Boston or going to New York or going to Iowa or going wherever.

13:50 Drew College tours, and each one just expresses intense envy at what these kids had that he didn't have.

13:57 Adam I can't stand to hear anyone complain.

13:59 Drew About college.

14:00 Adam Yeah. I tell them it's like a, what do I call it? College is like a brothel with a bell tower and a football team.

14:07 Drew They have all these beautiful gyms and, you know, sort of athletic facilities.

14:11 Adam Oh, for Christ's sake.

14:12 Drew Oh, man. We've seen some amazing facilities.

14:16 Adam I swear to God, we travel around, we go to these colleges, Drew and sometimes me want to go work out because we've been on the road and we're getting a little frayed around the edges. We want to go pump some iron or jog or do something like that. In these places, every one of these colleges we go to, even these little colleges like Drake, I mean, there is two basketball courts for every kid who goes to Drake. I mean, they have these multi-million dollar facilities. They're amazing state-of-the-art weight equipment, indoor hoops, hardwood floors. I mean, Olympic swimming pools, completely at their disposal. I'm telling you that the Denver Broncos don't have that kind of training facility. It is absolutely amazing.

15:03 Drew You didn't see the Central Florida thing I went to.

15:05 Adam No.

15:06 Drew Oh, I was unbelievable.

15:06 Adam I was masturbating. I know.

15:08 Drew I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.

15:10 Adam Yeah, please do not interrupt that. I was trying to soil the hotel room. Mike.

15:16 Hello.

15:17 Adam You're 17.

15:18 Caller At least till April.

15:20 Adam What's that? I don't know what that meant. No. Mike, what'd that mean?

15:24 Caller At least till April, my birthday.

15:26 Adam And that's funny. Oh, oh, at least till April.

15:30 Drew Okay.

15:31 Adam I see.

15:31 Drew You're 17.

15:32 Adam You're going to make a great uncle one day. Picture Mike when he really hits his bad. People don't hit their bad comedic stride until they get into their late 40s, early 50s, you know? They tell you the same joke year after year and laugh their ass off.

15:47 Caller Maybe that's my problem.

15:48 Adam You're going to be good. Yeah. All right. Anyway, go ahead, Mike.

15:52 Caller Well, basically what I guess what it is, is just like I go, I mean, I go out to parties, stuff like that. I go off my friends. I mean, I talk to women, nothing weird about me, too weird, except my bad humor. And it's like, I meet these girls. I'm a nice guy and everything. That's what they all say. Good person to be friends with. But if I ever want to try to go out with them or anything like, oh, no, I can't do that. You're too nice. You're just a friend. I mean, basically, I'm trying to figure out is, is like, if there's anything I'm like putting out, or is it them, or what the hell is going on?

16:21 Adam Yeah.

16:22 Drew These are girls at school?

16:23 Caller Girls at school. Girls my friends know.

16:26 Drew Girls from around the area.

16:27 Adam Is there anything, high school?

16:29 Caller Yeah.

16:30 Adam Yeah. You a good student?

16:32 Caller Decent, but yeah.

16:34 Adam Yeah.

16:34 Caller I'm not like a nerd or anything. I mean, I do sports and stuff too.

16:37 Adam You do?

16:38 Caller I play football and track.

16:39 Adam Well, that's pretty good. What do you do on track?

16:43 Caller I throw the shot in discus.

16:46 Adam Yeah, that's pretty slick. Discus. Yeah, I don't even think we could afford a discus. We took a, you know what we did? We took a fridge, we filled it with cement.

16:54 Drew Oh, that's a discus.

16:55 Adam Yeah. Discus, it seems like a high school kid could hurt somebody with one of those things, you know?

17:01 Caller I got hit in the head with those once, that hurt. Oh, man.

17:03 Adam Yeah, it's like you have a bong load the night before, now you're spinning and spinning and spinning and you launch that thing. I mean, you can launch that thing right into the bleachers. All right.

17:12 Caller I went into the river once.

17:13 Adam So you play football, you throw the discus and you put the shot.

17:18 Caller Yeah.

17:19 Adam Sounds all right. You a husky kid?

17:22 Caller Little large, but it's not like really fat or anything.

17:24 Adam Yeah. Let me tell you the two things that will kill you in high school when it comes to the trim. I had both these things working against me. Husky, sense of humor. I don't know what it is. You know, people, chicks always talk about the guys on the football team. Maybe the wide outs, the D.B.s and the quarterbacks, perhaps the flankers, the guys in the skills positions. You show me a guy's 5'11, 245 in the 11th grade. I'm going to show you a guy who's playing guard or something. He ain't getting light. No way. No way Vince DiGiacomo was getting any trim. Huge calves on that guy.

18:02 Caller Right now, I just like to have a date right now. I don't care about anything else.

18:06 Adam Yeah. What size are you?

18:10 Caller What position are you in?

18:10 Drew What do you weigh in at?

18:11 Adam What do you weigh?

18:12 Caller About 6 foot 225. 6 foot 225.

18:16 Adam 225. Yeah, that's a little bit, I don't know, it's going to be tough with the checks.

18:22 Drew But there's something up. I mean, there's something up here with the way he presents himself, who he's choosing to go after, how he approaches him.

18:29 Caller My friends say I sometimes try too hard, but...

18:32 Adam Yeah.

18:33 Drew The nice and the desperate, both is a killer combination.

18:36 Adam Yeah, don't talk. Try to sulk. Women like, especially in high school, they like it when guys sulk.

18:42 Drew And you're too nice is nonsense. There's no such thing.

18:46 Adam What do you mean?

18:47 Drew Although he may be going for women that sort of, you know...

18:49 Adam All right, listen, I'm going to tell you what I wish someone would have told me. You need to A, lower your aim a little bit. Your aim a little too high. There's chicks out there. You know there's some who will go out with you. You're not interested in them. You want to go out with Tammy. Forget about her. You got to aim down toward the dirt. You got to get started somewhere. You understand? Mike, what did you do? Mike, you there? Yeah, it's like a first job. Everyone wants to be a partner in a law firm or something, but the problem is you're 14 and you're stupid. So what do you do? You go to McDonald's. Yes, you got to start dating the Grimace, or Mer McCheese or something. You understand? You need to start dating. That's what you need to do. So aim down a little bit. Don't disgust yourself. Just aim down a little bit. And I'd say slender up. You got to drop a few pounds. Chicks, they don't like husky guys, not younger chicks.

19:49 Drew Don't graduate into friend position immediately. Go first make yourself clear on what your intention is with that person. They like to see somebody who presents himself assertively.

20:01 Caller Yeah.

20:02 Drew Be present. Be available.

20:03 Caller Yeah.

20:04 Adam Once you've established yourself as a good looking skinny guy, you know, like John Travolta, then you can balloon up later on. As long as you got some money in your wallet and a few airplanes and stuff like that, they'll go with you. But you can't just be husky. Drew, do you know what I'm saying? I was thinking about it. When I was in high school, the guys that were getting laid, and in junior high, by the way, were the sort of...

20:25 Drew Junior high?

20:26 Adam Oh, yes.

20:27 Drew In the 70s?

20:27 Adam Growing up in the Valley. Were the spindly guys. You know, the kind of guys they... I mean, 5'8, 5'9, you know, 1'35, 1'45. Guys that you'd kind of consider wimpy, but they were the guys who were getting it all. They were like kind of midgets.

20:45 Drew Something weird happens in high school to people's brains. I don't know what it is.

20:48 Adam Yeah. Was it that way with you? I mean, not you, but do you remember the guy who got the most trim in your high school other than you?

20:57 Drew It didn't apply to my high school.

20:59 Adam Oh, really?

20:59 Drew Too small, too...

21:00 Adam You didn't... Ascotts and everything were getting in the way. That was your high school, wasn't it? What? Do you remember your fight song or anything like that?

21:14 Drew I don't have one. I remember my college one.

21:17 Adam Um, what would you...

21:18 Drew I can't do it.

21:19 Adam You know, come on, what's your college? Give me some of that college fight song.

21:23 Drew I'll tell you in the break.

21:24 Adam From the valley, from the valley... Our, the North Hollywood high fight song was just a rip off of the Marines.

21:32 Drew Ours was Lord Jeffery Amherst was a soldier of the Queen and he came from across the sea. Then the chorus was, Oh, Amherst, brave Amherst.

21:44 Adam Lord Jeffrey. The name of Drew's college football team were the Lord Jeffs.

21:51 Drew Yes.

21:52 Adam For Christ's sake. Can you imagine when your team, the Lord Jeffs, was going up against a team called like the Badgers or something, how you'd just get your ass kicked? Could you imagine? What was, did you have a mascot? It was a guy in a powdered wig, right?

22:08 Drew No, I didn't have one. I didn't have one.

22:10 Adam It wasn't some skinny kid in like a, wearing a judge's robe in a powdered wig, carrying like a scrawl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have a list of demands we'd like to ask from the opposing team. One is that we beat you soundly.

22:33 Drew Lord Jeff would distinguish himself in history by inventing germ warfare.

22:36 Adam Is that what Lord Jeff did?

22:37 Drew Yeah, he gave smallpox infected blankets to the Indians.

22:40 Adam Oh, that's wonderful.

22:42 Drew That's what we named the school after.

22:43 Adam All right. Hey, maybe they'll name a college after these guys that let the anthrax go in the subway over in China or Japan or wherever the hell that was. Yeah, that's good. I'm going to try something like that. All right, Andrew Dice Clay is going to be in here a little bit later tonight. We're going to go to break. Before we go to break, we'll say that Clint over here is 19, is engaged to a woman, but fears his attraction to men will come back to haunt him.

23:09 Drew Is that right, Clint?

23:11 Adam Yep. Okay, Clint. Man, a few words. All right, hang on, Clint. We'll be back to straighten your life out after this.

23:19 Loveline's phone number is 1-800-LOVE-191. Loveline, with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew, we'll be right back.

23:53 Adam Hey, Loveline, just looking at Andrew Dice Clay's bio off the internet here. Surprised to see that he was an episode of Saturday Night Live in 1975. Yeah. What is that?

24:15 Why? All right. Well, the first date is the year that the show debuted and then his actual air date when he hosted was listed later on there.

24:24 Adam Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. I was looking at the other date. That's why I was curious. All right. We've done enough rationalizing. That was 1990. He was also on in MAA. He was also on an episode of MAASH in 1982. Isn't that weird? You're pretty sure Andrew Dice Clay and MAASH. Hey, FU. Clinger. All right. And different strokes. Now that I could picture. Anyway, he's got a new comedy album and he's going to come in here and talk about it. Coming up real soon. Till then, Clint.

24:59 Yeah.

25:00 Adam So you're 19.

25:01 Caller Yep.

25:02 Adam You're engaged.

25:03 Caller Yes, I am.

25:05 Adam And you think about guys.

25:07 Caller Yeah. Well, I'm bisexual. I've known that for about three years. And I'm worried that that's going to come back and screw up my marriage or my relationship with my.

25:20 Drew What's the hurry to get married?

25:24 Caller Well, I don't know. I met this girl about a year and a half ago. We moved in together after about two months of knowing each other and have lived together ever since.

25:37 Drew And you've had no desire to be with anybody else?

25:40 Caller No, no, except for attraction towards other men.

25:44 Adam Yeah. What? Did someone do something to you when you were younger?

25:48 Caller No.

25:48 Adam No?

25:49 Drew Oh, come on.

25:49 Adam Why you buy?

25:52 Caller I don't know. It's just the way I feel. It's just sexual attraction more than more than maybe he's gay and just trying to live.

25:59 Adam When did you lose your virginity?

26:02 Caller When I was 16.

26:03 Adam Yeah. Nothing before then?

26:05 Caller No.

26:06 Adam No guy ever touched you?

26:07 Caller Nope.

26:08 Adam When was the first time you touched a guy?

26:11 Caller When I was almost 18.

26:14 Adam That was it, huh? Nothing before then? No.

26:18 Drew You sure you're not gay and that you're just trying to cling to a homosexual, heterosexual lifestyle?

26:23 Caller No, because I do have attraction for women also.

26:26 Drew Yeah, but you know.

26:28 Adam Everyone's attracted to women. I mean, women are attracted to women. Heterosexual women are into women. I don't know. You're 19.

26:38 Drew I mean, if you're bisexual and you've decided to commit yourself to a woman, then what's the big deal? Well, you've committed to a monogamous relationship. I mean, that's like worrying when you're heterosexual that, oh my god, my attractions to other women are going to overwhelm me and I'm going to go have an affair. That means you can't commit. Right. You don't have the capacity for intimacy and commitment.

26:59 Adam How many guys...

26:59 Drew It's a different thing.

27:00 Adam Clint, how many guys you've been with?

27:02 Caller Two.

27:03 Adam Is the Behaiman still in tech?

27:06 Caller Yes.

27:06 Adam It is.

27:06 Drew As opposed to...

27:08 Adam As opposed to just having oral sex?

27:12 Caller Yes.

27:13 Drew But as opposed to you having a real intense desire for same-sex that you're... that you really... your primary orientation that you're trying to cover with a mild attraction for women that you are afraid is going to eventually surface and overwhelm you and make you unhappy.

27:31 Adam Well, Drew's like me. We just don't buy-buy.

27:34 Drew No, I do. I do buy it, but not without a history. And if he were bi, then he would just say, well, now I'm bisexual, but I'm in a committed relationship.

27:43 Adam Not only do we not believe bi, we don't buy-buy, and we think bisexuality is saying bi to heterosexuality and hello to homo. That's what the bi stands for. I don't know how they spell it, but it's... how do you spell bi like that, buy-buy?

27:56 Drew In many circumstances, it is, and this may be one of those.

27:59 Adam How do you do that bi? Is it B-Y-E? Yeah, bi. That's how they should spell it. Bye-bye. Bye, ladies. See ya.

28:07 Drew Bye-bye, sexual.

28:09 Adam Bye, heterosexuality.

28:10 Caller So long.

28:11 Adam We'll be with guys now. Clint, where's your dad?

28:16 Caller My dad, Kevin and my mom live together. They are Jehovah's Witnesses. So I am not, and we don't have a relationship.

28:29 Drew Were they physically rough?

28:30 Adam This will show them.

28:33 Caller My dad wasn't so much physically rough as mentally abusive and verbally abusive.

28:39 Adam You hate your parents, right?

28:41 Caller I don't hate my mother. I do hate my father.

28:45 Adam Does your dad know you're bi?

28:47 Caller No, he does not.

28:48 Adam Oh, wait until he finds out. He's going to kick Jehovah right in the nuts. All right, Clint, do not get married. Do not get married for a whole host of reasons.

29:00 Drew Not the least of which is you're 19.

29:01 Adam You're 19. Oh, my God, I'm 34. I'm too young. Too young. Do you hear me?

29:06 Drew Nothing's gone, by the way.

29:08 Adam I'm being worn down.

29:10 Drew Yeah.

29:10 Adam I'm losing my resolve.

29:11 Drew You saw the therapist today?

29:13 Adam Saw the therapist yesterday.

29:15 Drew And?

29:15 Adam It's all we talked about.

29:17 Caller And?

29:20 Adam Getting, you know.

29:22 Drew He spoke back to you?

29:23 Adam The shrink?

29:24 Drew Yeah.

29:25 Adam Turns out, I didn't speak English. I'm really, I'm really getting worn out. This may be it.

29:35 Drew I'm not so sure that's the way to go in. I'm not so sure your girlfriend's going to go in.

29:38 What is the problem?

29:39 Adam I'm not going anywhere.

29:40 Drew Oh, this is, you're, this is a guy. It's a guy thing, Ann. It's a guy thing.

29:44 Get over it. She's awesome.

29:46 Drew Yes. Yes. That's nothing to do with her.

29:47 Adam It has nothing to do with her. The whole marriage thing has nothing to do with my girlfriend. It really doesn't.

29:53 Drew I know what you're saying.

29:54 Adam It just, it's got nothing to do with that. Yeah. I don't know, I know it sounds like the worst thing in the world. See, here's what you women think. You think that you are supposed to be special enough to get us interested in this. Do you know what I'm saying?

30:11 Drew Yeah.

30:11 Adam And everything is personal. It's really not a personal thing.

30:16 Drew It's much more about where the guy's at in relation to his life, his career and marriage in general.

30:20 Adam There's a handful of guys out there that want to get married. I don't trust them, but there's a handful of them out there. They get married right out of high school. Sometimes they get married three or four times. There's guys that just really love to get married.

30:33 Okay, but what is the problem with you?

30:36 Adam My, what is my marriage problem? Well, A, I never saw myself as a guy who's getting married. I just never did.

30:45 Is that because of your own family life?

30:46 Drew Yes, that's the fundamental issue. When you have no model for a decent family.

30:50 Of a happy relationship, yeah.

30:51 Drew Yeah, it's like, well, that's bad. Oh, am I getting to that? No, mm-mm.

30:54 Adam Oh, yeah. My parents were, I mean, they weren't, you know, raging alcoholics beating the crap out of each other or whatever. But they got divorced when I, I must have been about eight. And they wouldn't talk to each other for 15 or 20 years. Maybe, maybe just, just recently, I think when my sister got married, is when they started talking to each other. So the whole thing just seemed like, just seemed like a bad plan. It really did. And then the other thing was, is I figured, hey, I'm going to be a celebrity and I'll get all kinds of chicks.

31:26 Caller God.

31:27 Adam You know? I mean, you know, listen, half the reason guys start bands or start doing stand up or start doing whatever so they can get some trim.

31:35 Initially, I'm sure that's cool. Yeah. It's got to wear thin.

31:39 Adam I mean, not for me it hasn't. I haven't done it yet. Now, I kind of have this feeling like.

31:44 Because you've been in a relationship.

31:45 Adam That's right.

31:46 Now, in order to have stayed in this relationship, there must have been something there to stay for. Because I know you've been propositioned. I know you've had every opportunity.

31:55 Adam Well, I know. Well, of course, you know. It was at the Acoustic Christmas when Ann had too many Chardonnays. It hit me up in front of the ladies' bathroom. She just went, please, just one pound of oral sex.

32:07 I was begging him, begging him.

32:08 Adam Matt, can I please go down on you?

32:10 Drew I wonder what that was all about.

32:12 Adam Yes, I have been propositioned before, and I've turned everything down. But I-

32:19 And there's got to be a reason for that.

32:21 Drew Yeah, it wasn't Claudia Schiffer.

32:22 Adam It wasn't Claudia Schiffer. No, it's nothing rational.

32:25 That's not going to happen.

32:26 Adam Listen, Ann, you know how women oftentimes want to get married in an almost irrational way?

32:33 Drew Who does?

32:34 Adam Women.

32:34 Drew Yeah.

32:35 Adam I mean, it's bigger than maybe it should be. It's faster than maybe it should be. It's quicker than it should be.

32:40 Drew Sometimes.

32:41 Adam As much momentum as some women have toward the marriage, I have that same energy about not getting married.

32:50 You're my stern but groovy master, Adam.

32:53 Adam You can- You're picturing that, Ann? You know what I'm saying?

32:56 Yeah, but this is not fair for her.

32:58 Adam No, that's why I think I'm just caving in. I really do. I just-

33:03 But you gotta go into it knowing that this is something you want to be in.

33:07 Adam No, I don't care anymore. I'm just calling it a life.

33:09 Drew He doesn't want to be in a marriage.

33:10 Adam That's my thing.

33:10 Drew Understand that. He doesn't want to be married. That is God's truth, no matter who it is.

33:14 Adam Yeah, but here's-

33:15 Well, if there's anybody who's perfect for this guy, it's her.

33:17 Drew No, no. I know that. I understand that. But I'm trying to defend this sort of effed up male perspective that some guys get, which is marriage equals death. Yeah. Well, she should run, then. No, no. A lot of guys- No, there are a lot of guys. It doesn't actually- That's not actually what they feel when they're in it, but that's their perception of what's gonna happen to them.

33:35 Adam That's right. Well, here's the deal, though. Here's what I was saying to the Shrink. And I swear to God, I'm starting to believe my own rhetoric now. I don't want to get married. But you know what? There's a ton of ass I don't want to do. A ton. There's just a ton of stuff I don't want to do. And people tell me to do it, I do it, I turn out to be happy that I did it. It's like the dentist. I know acquainting marriage to the dentist is horrible. I wish I could come up with something better than the dentist.

34:10 Drew I'm defending it because it has nothing to do with her.

34:12 Adam Thank you, Drew. Thank you, buddy.

34:13 So what do you think he should do, Drew?

34:19 Drew I can't answer. I think he's got to get over this. He's got to realize what an empty load of crap this image is about marriage. It's not reality. You have to get over that so you can see clearly what you want to do.

34:29 And how's the best way to do that?

34:31 Adam Well, you've got to keep Drew's wife away from me. That's wonderful. My wife, my wife, each half hour I spend with you and your wife adds six months.

34:38 Drew My wife and Jimmy's wife need to have a talk.

34:40 Adam Oh, Jimmy's wife. Jesus Christ. That's another good reason. I need some better examples. Got to find someone who's happy. I hang around with you and Doug, Ann. Yeah, we're happy. I'm happy, too. You're miserable. You just don't know it.

34:53 Drew I'm happy.

34:54 Adam All right. Here's the deal, Ann. Here's what I'm starting to come to. If I'm left on my own, I'll never get married. I just don't think I ever would. It's just not something I would do. But I understand there are many things in life I'm wrong about, and many things that are good for me that I don't want to do. I don't want to go to the shrink, I don't want to go to the dentist, I don't want to get my car smog checked, I don't want to do a thousand things. I don't want to exercise. But you know what? I feel better when I'm done. And I realize it's a better life, a more fulfilling life. So there you go. I'm thinking about marriage like exercise. That's something you want to do. But you're glad when you're done, right?

35:30 Drew You're looking at it awfully nihilistically. The fact is you will be happier.

35:33 Adam Okay.

35:34 Drew That's the fact.

35:35 Adam I don't know. I'm pretty happy, Drew. James?

35:40 Yes?

35:41 Adam You're 30.

35:42 Caller Hello, yes. Actually, I called last night after I heard the 19-year-old bodybuilder talk about his heroin addiction and it was... I talked to your screener about... It's a point of view, being on the outside but being first-hand experiences what it's done to people. I've lost two friends this year.

36:05 Adam To bodybuilding?

36:06 Caller No, to heroin.

36:07 Adam Oh, heroin, yeah.

36:08 Caller Heroin overdoses. Sorry, I wasn't clear enough there.

36:10 Adam No, I was making a joke there, James.

36:12 Caller Okay.

36:13 Adam Sorry. Not many people go bodybuilding.

36:15 Caller And I lost my dad seven years ago.

36:18 Drew To heroin?

36:19 Caller To heroin overdose also.

36:21 Adam Drew wasn't kidding, by the way.

36:23 Caller Yeah. Well, I got that one.

36:24 Adam I knew.

36:25 Drew I thought maybe it was some other addictive process.

36:28 Caller No, actually that was pretty much his eventual choice of a drug. Yeah. Out of these two people just this year alone, what these people don't see, and like this guy was talking about last night, it's like, well, my parents are going to kick me out.

36:45 Drew Right.

36:45 Caller Well, it kind of gets to the point where the people that are close to you are like, so, tough luck. We've given you enough chances. We're sorry, but if you're not going to help yourselves, you're not going to drag us down.

36:57 Drew Well, but that's what gets the people into recovery, is if they lose enough, finally it breaks through their denial. The problem is the people that are close to addicts keep propping them up and keeping them pieced back together and keep them going and allow them to continue using. So, what I usually tell people that are involved with addicts is insofar as they're in the disease, you're gone. You can't be a part of their life. You must be another part of the loss that they accumulate. But if they turn towards recovery, come on in, support them, whatever they need, be a part of it.

37:28 Caller But yeah, they have to stick with it. I mean, that's the big thing. If they're serious, I mean, it's just such a screwed up truck to begin with. And what I've seen, I mean, my first experience was when I got to know my dad again at the age of 11. He took me into Oakland and said, oh, I'll be back in five minutes. There's a gun underneath the seat if somebody comes up. Oh my God. And I was just, I'm sitting there, I'm like, okay, this is exactly why people don't talk about my dad. And then again, when I was 16, I went to live with him for a very short period of time before I just hightailed it out of there. He did it in front of me a couple of times to show me, this is why you should never do this. And it's just sad, basically, my grandmother enabled him, kept bailing him out, my grandfather just finally gave up, kept his mouth shut. One of my friends that died this year, he had just gotten out of detox. He wanted to load up one more time. They found his body in the back of a pickup a week after he was supposed to check into a halfway house, a block and a half away from the halfway house.

38:39 Adam Really, he was just getting the back of the pickup?

38:41 Caller Yep.

38:42 Adam Oh boy. James, you don't do anything?

38:45 Caller Nope. That's good. Actually, this year, just with this stuff happening, I've just totally quit drinking, don't touch anything. I've just pretty much had it, even though it was like a fun social kind of thing.

38:58 Drew Well, it's interesting, you're clearly not an addict, but even though you're not an addict, you've certainly kept a lot of these addicts in your life.

39:03 Adam Yeah.

39:04 Drew It's interesting that having had that with your dad, you certainly gravitate to these people.

39:07 Adam Yeah, usually chicks do that.

39:09 Drew Yeah.

39:10 Adam You gay?

39:11 Caller No, I'm not gay.

39:12 Adam No, sorry.

39:12 Caller I got two kids.

39:13 Adam All right.

39:14 Caller Yeah, no.

39:15 Adam You're lucky you got those kids. Take care of those kids. Hey, James. We're running late for a commercial and the Dice Man has come in.

39:22 Caller Okay, great. Well.

39:23 Adam But we do appreciate your input.

39:25 Caller Thank you.

39:25 Adam Take care of those kids of yours.

39:26 Caller I will.

39:27 Adam All right. I bet one of them is a junkie.

39:29 Caller What do you think, Drew?

39:31 Drew Probably not, unless he married an alcoholic.

39:33 Adam Good, good, good. All right. Andrew Dice Clay is here. Andrew Dice Clay will be here. We'll take a break and we'll talk to him after this.

39:39 Loveline, be right back in a minute.

40:09 Adam Hey, it's Loveline. We're back. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1, fax number 310-8-5-4-44-55. Andrew Dice Clay is here. Andrew's got a new CD set that's available. I'll give the number out. You can get it by calling this number, 1-800-711-4499, or you can get it over the Internet, www.dicemanrules, which is one word, .com. It's a three CD set.

40:40 Andrew Dice Clay You could sing the phone number. That's how we designed it. 800-711-4499.

40:49 Adam Yeah, that's good.

40:50 Andrew Dice Clay You see what I mean? I'm good like that.

40:51 Adam Yeah. If it wasn't the radio, we could fall the bouncing ball.

40:54 Andrew Dice Clay You know, I tell you, it's good to be here. You know, I've been listening to your show.

40:57 Adam You have?

40:58 Andrew Dice Clay You know.

40:59 Adam No, you haven't.

41:00 Andrew Dice Clay No, I have. Really?

41:01 Drew Yeah. I'm up all night.

41:02 Andrew Dice Clay I got nothing to do.

41:03 Drew You're driving over here, you heard it.

41:04 Andrew Dice Clay You know what I mean? No, serious.

41:06 Adam Do you live in LA now?

41:08 Andrew Dice Clay What do you mean?

41:09 Adam Do you live in Los Angeles?

41:10 Andrew Dice Clay Well, you know, I'm bi.

41:13 Adam Right.

41:14 Andrew Dice Clay Coastal.

41:15 Adam Right. You have a place in New York, you have a place in LA.

41:18 Andrew Dice Clay Yeah.

41:20 Adam Do you need to? I mean, can you carry on?

41:22 Andrew Dice Clay Yeah, because I go back there a lot and I perform and, you know, it's good to have like just your own place.

41:28 Adam How many live dates a year are you doing?

41:30 Andrew Dice Clay Over 300.

41:31 Adam Oh, Drew and I did eight last year.

41:34 Andrew Dice Clay We're doing sitcom, I'm telling you, showing up to the same crap house every day.

41:39 Drew Yeah. All that travel, you probably travel all that travel though, no?

41:42 Andrew Dice Clay No, but it's, you know, even though it's a different place, a different show and not every place, you don't go every day.

41:51 Adam Yeah.

41:51 Andrew Dice Clay You could be at the same place for four nights.

41:53 Drew See, Dyson has had to work, Adam, see? He likes to work.

41:56 Adam What's that word?

41:56 Andrew Dice Clay You know, I like the live thing, so I don't mind it.

41:59 Adam I like the live thing too, but we get it out of our system doing the radio.

42:03 Andrew Dice Clay No, but you see, the money's unbelievable, okay?

42:06 Adam Oh, yeah.

42:07 Andrew Dice Clay Let's go to the bottom line. I get the most out of it creatively and you make a great living. When you do a sitcom, it's showing up to the same place every day.

42:18 Adam Right.

42:18 Andrew Dice Clay And after the third episode, I'm bored to tears.

42:21 Adam How much do you vary the act from night to night?

42:24 Andrew Dice Clay A lot, because every year, I'll put together a lot of new material.

42:29 Adam And do you usually work it all out on the road while you're performing? Yeah, that's the rehearsals. Or do you sit down and create 45 minutes?

42:37 Andrew Dice Clay No, you can't do that. I can't do that. I have to be on stage. This whole album was on stage every night. Just coming up with it and coming up with it. It's hard to keep creating filth.

42:51 Adam Tell me about it.

42:52 Andrew Dice Clay Until you walk out in the street and see these little filthy animals walking around all licked up.

42:57 Adam But when you do an album like this, do you do it at many different locations over a period of time and put it together?

43:07 Andrew Dice Clay Yeah, or at the local clubs like in town here. Right.

43:11 Adam And what is, let's say, it's three CDs, by the way.

43:15 Andrew Dice Clay Yeah, it's a lot of material.

43:16 Adam That's a ton of material.

43:17 Andrew Dice Clay Yeah, but I repeat a lot of things.

43:19 Adam Oh, okay.

43:20 Andrew Dice Clay You know, I like to repeat things just in case they didn't get it the first time.

43:23 Adam The number one and three CD are exactly the same, but it's still a three CD set, technically.

43:28 Andrew Dice Clay No, like, there are certain bits on the album. Like, this is the bonus track CD, right?

43:32 Adam Right.

43:32 Andrew Dice Clay This one. Now, the first CD, which is the double CD, there were certain bits I loved so much. Here, like, give me this a minute. Like, on this, you have Little House Unplugged. Okay? Now, there's a bit on the first album called Dice Reviews Little House, meaning Little House on the Prairie.

43:52 Adam Right.

43:52 Andrew Dice Clay And it's such a filthy, dirty bit and so funny that there was a night I did it another way, so I gave him the Little House Unplugged.

44:02 Adam Right.

44:02 Andrew Dice Clay Like two people in the audience.

44:04 Adam Right.

44:04 Andrew Dice Clay See, that's another thing with me. I don't need people. I don't need an audience.

44:08 Drew Well, you guys are-

44:08 Andrew Dice Clay I never did. I don't believe in them.

44:10 Drew You guys have something in common.

44:12 Adam Yeah. I don't like people either.

44:13 Andrew Dice Clay I really don't need an audience.

44:15 Adam When you go to a club, but you want to see people come out because you're there, right?

44:20 Andrew Dice Clay I really don't care. You know, as long as I'm performing. Like if you two guys were in the comedy store or Laugh Factory sitting there, I would give as much as- I would walk off the stage drenched, as long as you guys were having a good time.

44:34 Adam Oh, that's because-

44:35 Andrew Dice Clay That's how I put the whole album together.

44:36 Adam That's because Drew threw his beer at you.

44:38 Andrew Dice Clay No, I'm telling you, sir, I would come off that stage, and there were nights over at the comedy store. I'd go on stage. There was one particular night. There was two people in the audience, and the club manager or something said, we're going to close the club, because unless there's eight people or more, I said, I want to go on. I have work to do. I was preparing it. By the time I came off, there were more people in the room, maybe six. But I was up there for an hour and a half, and I came off drenched like I did a concert for 5,000 people.

45:08 Adam So you enjoy it?

45:09 Andrew Dice Clay Yeah.

45:09 Adam Now, let me ask you this because I've done a little bit of stand-up. I never enjoyed it, and my theory was no one really enjoys it, but some people need to do it. I mean, I don't know, almost like working out or something.

45:23 Andrew Dice Clay When I leave my house every day, I know it's going to be different. People are props.

45:29 Adam Right.

45:30 Andrew Dice Clay You know, it's a constant show, constant theater, wherever I go. If I'm going into the store to buy a pack of cigarettes, it's not, can I get a pack of cigarettes? It's a show. And it just turns into something.

45:43 Adam And it's possible material for that night.

45:45 Andrew Dice Clay It just turns into something.

45:46 Adam Right. Now, if you couldn't be on stage for a year, would you go nuts?

45:51 Andrew Dice Clay Yeah.

45:51 Yeah, I would.

45:53 Andrew Dice Clay Yeah, I need that outlet. I wish I had that. You know, I'm an angry guy in a lot of ways.

45:59 Adam All right. I'll buy that. You know, it's smart about-

46:01 Andrew Dice Clay I think everybody's got a lot of anger in them, though. And I'm just talking day to day anger, you know, just traveling around.

46:07 Adam Oh, yeah.

46:07 Andrew Dice Clay Just coming here and not being able to find the frigging place, I was starting to get very angry.

46:11 Adam Yeah. Only lunatics can find this place. The guests can't find it, the crazed fans with the...

46:18 Andrew Dice Clay It's amazing. He's just like he is when I hear him.

46:22 Adam With autographs can find the place. It's funny. I don't know what that is. Somehow lunatics have a better sense of direction. God took away their sense, but they gave them a compass.

46:32 Andrew Dice Clay I'm over here now.

46:33 Adam All right. All right. What do you want to do?

46:35 Andrew Dice Clay No, because I, you know...

46:36 Adam Well, take a call. You don't have to.

46:39 Andrew Dice Clay It's your show. Do what makes you happy. I'm just here, you know, to hang with you. You're a doctor, huh?

46:45 Adam Yeah. Oh, yes.

46:46 Andrew Dice Clay Good for you.

46:46 Adam You know what I was going to say about Andrew? That's work. He's very smart.

46:50 Andrew Dice Clay Dealing with people, you couldn't care less if they live or die, but you got to act nice. Tell me that doesn't take patience.

46:57 Adam You put your thumb in them and you get no tip.

46:58 Drew No, I'm teasing.

46:58 Andrew Dice Clay I'm teasing. People listen and I'm teasing.

47:01 Adam Here's the thing about...

47:01 Andrew Dice Clay What kind of doctor are you?

47:02 Drew Internal medicine.

47:03 Andrew Dice Clay Oh.

47:04 Oh.

47:05 Adam You got any problems?

47:06 Andrew Dice Clay Yeah, lots of them.

47:06 Adam You want to take a look?

47:07 Andrew Dice Clay No.

47:08 Adam Okay.

47:08 Drew Everything hurts. He's got appropriate boundaries.

47:10 Adam You know what I was going to say about Andrew?

47:11 Drew Adam really goes right to his rear end.

47:13 Adam I went in to look at my ass one time. I was in the neighborhood.

47:15 Andrew Dice Clay You want to know something? That's where it all stems from.

47:19 Adam The problems?

47:19 Andrew Dice Clay I've gone to that kind of doctor. I can't say how I would say it. You know, the glutamate maxima specialist.

47:26 Adam Right.

47:27 Andrew Dice Clay They find everything in there.

47:29 Adam Get a prostate check?

47:30 Drew That's the gateway to the soul.

47:32 Andrew Dice Clay It's a lot of laughs. Let me tell you something. You've got to think about other things.

47:37 Adam All right. We are going to take a break. We are going to come back. We are going to hear something off of Dice's new CDs. And we are going to take some calls. And we will do all that after this. Hey, it's The Love Line. We're going to take a quick ten-second top of the hour affiliate station identification. We'll be back with more Love Line in ten seconds.

48:25 Caller This is Love Line on Radio Station.

48:40 Adam It is Loveline, I'm Adam Corolla, that is Dr. Drew, he is Andrew Dice Clay.

48:44 Drew Did you know you could do this with a binocu bottle?

48:46 Adam Pull the top off?

48:47 Drew Yeah.

48:48 Adam I don't know.

48:49 Drew I just spilled this all over my face. Face is on fire. It's kind of day ahead. I was trying to make a milkshake for my kids tonight. You know, the ice cream doesn't go down, you push it down with something?

48:58 Adam Yeah.

48:58 Drew Before it got caught in the thing, the whole thing splintered.

49:01 Adam Yeah, I've tried to make about three milkshakes in my life, and I always think it's going to be brilliant. It usually sucks, and then each time I think, you know what, these things should cost 40, 50 bucks. They really should. I got $35 worth of ice cream and fudge in this thing, and it tastes like crap. I can't figure out how to do it, but one tip I did learn is get that malted, get the malted powder, not the chocolate powder, but the malted powder.

49:24 Drew It needs to come out of a machine, just like a McDonald's.

49:26 Adam All right. Andrew Dice Clay is here. Filth is the name of the three CD set. You want to go ahead and sing that number, Andrew?

49:35 Andrew Dice Clay Which number?

49:35 Adam The number they can call to get the CDs.

49:37 Andrew Dice Clay Oh, the number I sang before?

49:39 Adam Yeah.

49:39 Andrew Dice Clay I made that up, but I could do it anyway.

49:40 Drew One eight hundred, one four?

49:47 Andrew Dice Clay I said eight hundred, seven eleven, four four nine nine. It falls apart the second time around.

49:53 Adam There's a bonus track on the CD, which is Andrew singing the number, by the way. Also, you can get it over the Internet at www.dicemanrules.com. And again, Diceman Rules, one word. We're going to hear something off of that. I think we'll take a phone call and we'll hear something off. That sounds perfect. Where do you want to go?

50:12 Drew Stacey.

50:13 Adam Stacey.

50:14 Hey, Adam. Hey, Drew.

50:16 Drew Stacey.

50:17 Hi, Andrew.

50:18 Adam Hello.

50:19 Andrew Dice Clay How are you this evening?

50:20 Good.

50:21 Adam You're 19. What's going on?

50:23 Caller Yes, I have a slight problem where I'm really interested in this guy who threw another friend who has put his interest through me. But the only problem is that his two younger brothers are also interested in me. And I just am totally confused at how they go about like dealing with this.

50:46 Adam You're interested in a guy and his younger brothers like you, too?

50:51 Caller And the middle one is the one that I met first.

50:54 Drew And you say one of your friends is interested in the guy, too?

50:58 Caller No. No. Okay.

50:59 Andrew Dice Clay Look, you're 19. Pick the three of them off and move on with your life. You got a whole life in front of you.

51:03 Adam It's pretty solid.

51:05 Caller No.

51:06 Adam Which one do you like the most?

51:07 Caller The oldest.

51:08 Adam All right, why don't you just go out with him?

51:10 Caller But that's the problem. The middle one is the one that I met first and he's like the loudest. And he's kind of like telling his brother to back off. And his brother, I don't know like whether it's like loyalty to his brother or whatever, kind of is confused on what to do.

51:23 Drew If this guy were into it.

51:25 Adam If his brother likes you.

51:26 Drew He's going out.

51:27 Adam He's going out with you.

51:28 Drew Yeah, no matter what.

51:29 Adam Absolutely. You know, we deal with this all the time. People with their excuses where she said she just needs some time. She wants to find herself.

51:37 Andrew Dice Clay I think she just wants to tease the three of them.

51:39 Adam She says there's a thousand answers you get when it comes to going out. But the bottom line is, is if someone wants to go out with someone, they go out with them.

51:48 Andrew Dice Clay Exactly. And he'll tell his brothers to, you know, back off.

51:50 Drew He would step over the corpses.

51:52 Andrew Dice Clay She wants to walk around the house in a little G-string and tease the three of them. This is why they all like her. That's what goes on in life.

51:57 Adam Especially your younger brothers. Could you imagine your younger brothers dictating this?

52:02 Andrew Dice Clay Look, sister, how old's the youngest? He's eighteen. Come on. There's no stopping a guy like that without his hands.

52:10 Adam How old's the oldest? And you're nineteen. Go out with the oldest.

52:15 Drew The one you're attracted to. But if he's making excuses.

52:19 Andrew Dice Clay How old's the oldest?

52:22 Adam Right. He's not making excuses?

52:24 Caller No, he's completely into it, but the middle kid is starting trouble. He'll tell his brother to go pick up something and then turn around and start talking to me.

52:33 Andrew Dice Clay Pick up something? Like what?

52:36 Caller Pick up what?

52:38 Andrew Dice Clay Like his socks? What kind of conversation are you going to have in between him picking up his socks?

52:43 Caller No, no.

52:43 Andrew Dice Clay Oh, you mean like pick up something like a pizza place or something?

52:48 Caller Like, yeah.

52:49 Andrew Dice Clay I think you're making this whole story up.

52:51 Caller No, I'm totally.

52:52 Adam Stacey, the guy likes you, the twenty-one-year-old, right? All right, tell him to tell his brother, tell him to yank on his brother's leash a little bit and rein him in. Yeah. All right?

53:01 Andrew Dice Clay Do you have any attraction towards the other brothers at all?

53:05 Caller No, the only problem is that the middle one and I kind of...

53:09 Andrew Dice Clay Hit it off a little. That's all right. Is that what you're saying?

53:12 Caller One time, though, and it was not like anything important.

53:16 Adam You had sex. No, no. What did you do?

53:19 Caller We just made out a little.

53:21 Andrew Dice Clay You made out a little? That's nothing.

53:22 Adam Why did you make out with him when you liked the older guy?

53:25 Caller Because it was...

53:26 Andrew Dice Clay Because you were a little licked up and sloppy and walking around, and you know, you had the guy on, right?

53:32 Caller No, I didn't.

53:33 Andrew Dice Clay Well, why did you make out with him, then, if you liked the older one?

53:36 Caller It wasn't really a conscious decision.

53:39 Andrew Dice Clay What do you mean? You were unconscious?

53:42 Drew It just happened.

53:43 Andrew Dice Clay Don't play games with me, honey. See, this is why I always hang up on it.

53:46 Adam Listen, when I was 19, all women had their faculties. You know, no one ever did anything they didn't want to do, or anything I didn't talk them into.

53:54 Andrew Dice Clay Exactly. If I'm going with a girl, be a slob for me.

53:57 Adam Yeah.

53:58 Andrew Dice Clay Don't be a slob for the whole family. Be a slob for me. Oh, yes. You see what I mean?

54:04 Adam Yes.

54:05 Andrew Dice Clay Don't show everybody else what's under your pants.

54:08 Drew But there's something more going on with Stacey, something, and you were kind of picking up on it, though. She was into sort of having all three of the guys.

54:13 Andrew Dice Clay She was into it, and she's only 19 years old, and that disgusts me. You know, 19 years old, and look what they're doing already.

54:20 Drew But there's something about-

54:21 Andrew Dice Clay And you wonder why you got to wear a rubber today.

54:23 Drew Whenever just things just happen, that sort of says a tremendous amount about a person.

54:28 Andrew Dice Clay That's why guys are walking around and their pants are just full of venereal warts. Sleeping with the whole family. It's disgusting.

54:36 Adam Athena's 13. I don't know if that's a good idea.

54:39 Andrew Dice Clay I'll behave, believe me.

54:40 Hi.

54:40 Adam What's going on?

54:42 Nothing much.

54:44 Andrew Dice Clay 13 and she's up at midnight?

54:46 Adam Oh, who knows? Where are you calling from?

54:48 Los Angeles.

54:49 Adam Oh, okay. Then she is.

54:51 Um, I saw you guys on the Hollywood Squares. Were you guys okay up there?

54:58 Drew Were we okay?

54:59 Yeah, were you guys okay up there? I could see the girl extra like, why nobody picking me?

55:05 Adam Yeah. They stuffed us both into the same box. It was humiliating. It was really like they're conducting some sort of experiment in pride.

55:15 Drew But they succeeded in putting us in the least accessed box.

55:19 Adam If they're, I swear to God, if there could have been a tenth box in the green room, they would have put us in that God damn box. I swear to God, they put us in the box that no one ever asked, no one ever asked. My grandmother said, Yeah, I saw you on Hollywood Squares. How was it? So you didn't say anything. Well, I think you'd said something, but it was unsolicited. She said, I yelled something out in the middle of someone else's answer or something. That was pretty pathetic. But the food was good and they gave us a bathrobe and a CD player. Athena?

55:48 Yeah?

55:49 Adam What's your question?

55:51 My boyfriend, like he talks about me and he calls me, said he hits me.

55:56 Adam That's nice.

55:57 Drew Is there a dog breathing into the phone there?

55:59 No, that's just me. I breathe. I have a cold.

56:03 Drew Oh, she's scratching on something.

56:04 Adam What are you doing? You doodling?

56:06 Andrew Dice Clay Yeah.

56:07 Adam Okay. You got to get some ink in that quill of yours.

56:11 Andrew Dice Clay Stop seeing the guy and call the cops. Let's go to the next one.

56:14 Drew Yeah, Dice is right, right?

56:16 Andrew Dice Clay You don't ever let a guy hit you.

56:18 Oh, 13.

56:19 Drew He's 13 and he's hitting you.

56:21 Andrew Dice Clay You don't ever let a guy hit you.

56:22 Drew Did your dad ever hit you?

56:23 Andrew Dice Clay Put him in juvenile hall for 25 years.

56:25 Drew Who hit you growing up?

56:28 No.

56:28 Caller My mother whooped me.

56:30 Drew She whooped you?

56:31 My mother did, but my father was never around.

56:33 Drew But Athena, you understand that big people should never hit little people. Boys should never hit girls. It's the fact that you're beaten as a child that leads you to believe this kind of thing is okay. Dice is right. You call the police to get this guy taken away. This is not somebody who loves you. This is a disturbance.

56:49 He always says sorry.

56:52 Adam He calls you fat and hits you?

56:54 Yeah.

56:56 Andrew Dice Clay There is no sorry when somebody hits you.

56:58 Adam Listen, Athena, in all seriousness, you're 13 years old. Do not go down this road.

57:04 Drew Don't get started with guys like this. It was not right for your mom to hit you. It disturbs how you think about your relationships and it causes you to pick guys like this and to think that their behavior is okay. It's not okay.

57:15 Adam All right?

57:16 Okay.

57:17 Adam Don't get... Go lesbian before you go with guys like this. Do you understand?

57:23 Mom.

57:24 Adam Hello?

57:25 Yeah.

57:26 Adam Who else is on the line?

57:28 My little sister probably picked up the phone.

57:30 Adam Your little sister? How old is she?

57:31 Eight.

57:32 Adam All right. Keep an eye on her because if mom's whooping her, she's going to get hooked up with this guy's younger brother.

57:37 Drew Or him.

57:38 Adam Or him. Athena?

57:40 Drew Yeah.

57:40 Adam I'm telling you, don't get involved with this. Don't go this way. You know, I wish we talked to so many screwed up girls on this show. And I feel more for them because they end up getting knocked up and the guy leaves and they have a bunch of kids and then...

57:54 Andrew Dice Clay And you're talking about kids.

57:55 Adam Then I got to pay for it.

57:56 Andrew Dice Clay You're talking about kids having kids.

57:57 Adam Right. Yeah. I'm sure her dad's not around and I'm sure the same thing happened to her mom. Someone beat on her. Now she's beating on Athena. But they get... they're just like... we talk to them sometimes when they're right at the crossroads. They're going out with some guy. He's too old for them. He's abusive. He's this and he's that.

58:14 Drew Of course, pressing her into sacks.

58:15 Adam Yeah. By the time you're 19 and you've had five of these guys, that's it. That's it. You're just a statistic. But at 13, if you could muster the strength and the courage to say, hey, I don't go for this. This is not the way my life's going to go. Get out of here. I don't want to see you again. If I see you around the house, I'm calling the cops. It could be such a breakthrough. And I hope Athena has the strength and the courage to do that.

58:37 Drew One more question on the CD.

58:39 Adam Okay. We have someone out of puberty here, Drew? Mike?

58:43 Hey, what's up, Adam? What's up, Drew?

58:45 Adam You're 23.

58:46 Caller Hey, Andrew, how are you?

58:48 Andrew Dice Clay No, I'm good.

58:49 Caller I had a couple of questions. I'm a big fan of yours. I saw you back when you did the Metallica and Guns N Roses show out at the Rose Bowl. That was a good one. And I wanted to ask you kind of about your career and how much of the Diceman is that a character? Because I know for a while you did that. You did a sitcom or something where you weren't, you know, Andrew Dice Clay, you were.

59:10 Andrew Dice Clay That was a part I had to play, you know. Right. That was a whole network thing. But when I perform, you know, that's my performance style.

59:17 Caller Right. Are you married?

59:19 Andrew Dice Clay Why? You want to meet her?

59:21 Caller No, I'm just wondering, I mean, because obviously, I mean, you don't you don't wear the leather jacket and do the, you know, Jack and Jill.

59:27 Andrew Dice Clay Yeah, I do.

59:28 Adam He's not too far from that. I mean, in real life, he looks like himself.

59:33 Andrew Dice Clay I mean, I don't walk around the house going Jack and Jill, you know, but on me, what happened?

59:38 Caller Will you do a couple nursery rhymes later? And the answer can go out on the radio.

59:43 Andrew Dice Clay There are none that could go out on the radio. That's why you're a fan.

59:46 Caller All right.

59:48 Adam All right, Mike.

59:48 Caller Take it easy, guys.

59:49 Adam Okay. All right, you want to hear some of the CD?

59:51 Andrew Dice Clay Actually, this guy that you're going to be here and talks about that, that concert, you could just play it.

59:57 Adam Doesn't need to be, doesn't need to be set up?

59:59 Andrew Dice Clay No, this was a guy that was supposed to play this place on the East Coast, and he kept calling there, and they started recording him because they wanted to like catch him. So we just put it on the album.

1:00:12 Adam All right. And this is the beginning of Filth?

1:00:15 Andrew Dice Clay Yeah, this is the first track and the only call.

1:00:19 Adam Here it is.

1:00:27 Caller Good afternoon, how may I help you?

1:00:28 Caller Hi, this is Cleff MacGyver again. And I'd like to, I still haven't done it. I'd like to order those Dice Clay tickets.

1:00:34 Caller Can someone please help me?

1:00:35 Caller I'm getting a little frustrated with this matter.

1:00:38 Caller Okay, sorry, our phones haven't been really working that greatly, so.

1:00:42 Caller Okay, what I want is two tickets.

1:00:45 Caller Okay, what day would you like? Wednesday, Friday?

1:00:47 Caller The show is Wednesday night, correct?

1:00:48 Caller Yes, we have a Wednesday night, we have a Friday night and a Saturday night.

1:00:51 Caller Okay, what I would like to take it for is Wednesday night. The reason why I'm picking Wednesday night is because they don't have a busy day at work on Thursdays. And if I were to work Thursday, I wouldn't be able to get up for Friday. So what I'm going to do is work all day Wednesday, go to the show Wednesday night and not really have to worry about getting up early to go to work on Thursday. If I would have to go to work on Thursday, then what I would have to do then is worry about getting up early and going to work on Friday. If I don't finish a job on Friday, that means it pushes me up to Saturday and I got to work Saturday. I don't finish Saturday, we go into Sunday. So what I think the best thing to do here is for me to go to the Wednesday night show.

1:01:23 Caller Okay, would you like dinner? Would I like dinner? Would you like dinner with the show?

1:01:27 Caller Well, okay, well, I was going to kind of get McDonald's on my way down. I'm going to put my tickets on a credit card. You guys do take credit cards, right?

1:01:34 Caller Yes.

1:01:35 Caller I couldn't believe it. American Express turned me down for a card. MasterCard turns me down for a card. Visa gives me the card. They give me a card with a $45 credit limit. These other companies turn me down. Visa picks me up. I don't understand this. But anyway, I have a Visa card. It's not gold, it's not platinum. It's just a regular Visa card, which actually I'm pretty happy about because the interest rate on that card was about 2% lower than the other cards. The American Express, I'd have to pay back all at once.

1:02:01 Caller The Visa card, I think they only had 40.9%.

1:02:04 Caller The Visa was, I think, $14.2%. So my best bet there was to get a Visa card. So what I will be doing is putting the Visa, my tickets on the Visa card. Okay, so what tickets do you have available?

1:02:19 Caller Okay, we have for Wednesday.

1:02:20 Caller You have for Wednesday. Okay, well I would like to do that on Wednesday.

1:02:23 Caller Okay, and you want to put-

1:02:24 Caller Where I would like to sit is up in the front. If I can sit up in the front-

1:02:27 Caller Okay, well the only way, excuse me, sir. Sir, I'm sorry. The only way you can sit up front, which I could promise you that, is to have dinner here. Because if the dining area does get priority seating.

1:02:36 Caller Okay, but if I can sit up in the front, then maybe Mr. Clay can, you know, notice me. He'll start to make fun of me. He'll insult me. He'll say things about me. Because you know, I am his biggest fan. I saw him in Madison Square Garden. I saw him when he was in the Meadowlands. I traveled there. Well, if you have dinner, I said, excuse me, sir. Uh-huh. Excuse me, sir. Dice came on.

1:02:57 Caller He didn't act.

1:02:58 Caller After Dice was over, I left. I mean, I like Guns N Roses, and I think they're a great band. I think Axl Rose is a great guy. But I really went to see Dice Clay. So, you know, I've seen him all over the country.

1:03:11 Caller Okay.

1:03:13 Caller Okay, so, can I get my seats up front?

1:03:16 Caller Hold on.

1:03:23 Caller Sir, the seatings on a first-come, first-serve basis.

1:03:25 Caller First-come, first-serve basis. Okay, so if I get down early enough and I'm first online, they'll put me up front? You won't... You will be... Well, because, you know, if I do sit up front, I can help you with the home.

1:03:34 Caller You're not going to be front middle.

1:03:35 Caller You'll be front left or front right.

1:03:37 Caller You know, for Christmas, he has a new album coming out? For Christmas, yeah, he does. He has a new album coming out.

1:03:42 Caller Okay, that's wonderful.

1:03:44 Caller Well, it's wonderful.

1:03:45 Caller I got a bootleg copy of it. I know all the new poems. I know all the new material. I know everything. I know everything. Everything. Do you know what the biggest word on the album is?

1:03:54 Caller Okay, would you like me to... Whack big! Whack big!

1:03:56 Caller That's the biggest word on the album. I have a copy of this.

1:03:59 Caller Is your name Cliff?

1:04:00 Caller What's that?

1:04:01 Caller Cliff.

1:04:01 Caller Yes, yes, yeah, that's my name, Cliff.

1:04:03 Caller Cliff MacGyver.

1:04:03 Caller You know, you can't call here and harass the girls. We're trying to help you.

1:04:06 Caller No, no, no, I'm trying, I would like two tickets. I'm not trying to harass anybody.

1:04:10 Caller Well, you're...

1:04:10 Caller I would like two tickets to Mr. Clay.

1:04:13 Caller Number one, you're not being very businesslike. You're not being very flexible.

1:04:16 Caller Why isn't this working out? I am getting very frustrated.

1:04:19 Caller Because there is a policy.

1:04:21 Caller No, no, excuse me, miss.

1:04:21 Caller If you do not have dinner, You do not receive priority.

1:04:25 Caller Don't push me, Ace! No! Now, let's order the tickets. I have a Visa card, I want to put the tickets on. Why do you keep insisting on talking over me? I am getting upset. I want two tickets.

1:04:50 Adam Wow. How many tickets did anyone?

1:04:53 Drew That guy calls that show every night. What version of that calls it every night?

1:04:57 Adam Did you ever meet this guy?

1:04:59 Andrew Dice Clay No.

1:05:00 Adam And I'm sure he's aware. I mean, here's the thing that's funny. You were recording him, but he had no way of knowing that.

1:05:08 Drew Is that true?

1:05:09 Andrew Dice Clay No, no. What happened is the club was trying to track this guy because he made a bunch of calls there and he just didn't stop. He was just out of his mind. So I said, what great material for the album.

1:05:19 Drew There are people like that out there.

1:05:21 Adam The point is, when you listen to it, it seems like he was recording.

1:05:25 Drew His deal.

1:05:26 Adam It's like you got the cassette from him and it was a goof.

1:05:29 Andrew Dice Clay And it was the perfect opening.

1:05:31 Adam Oh my God.

1:05:31 Andrew Dice Clay When I put this together, I said, you know what, throw the guy on there.

1:05:35 Adam Now, the guy, if he's as big a fan as he says he is, he's probably got the 3 CD set, right?

1:05:43 Andrew Dice Clay Well, that's what he said.

1:05:44 Adam And he must have heard this.

1:05:45 Andrew Dice Clay He probably came to one of the shows that I recorded.

1:05:48 Adam Uh-huh.

1:05:48 Andrew Dice Clay You know, because a lot of people, you know, that's a full leg.

1:05:51 Drew But he must be aware he's on this 3D set.

1:05:53 Adam I don't know.

1:05:54 Drew If he's a huge fan.

1:05:55 Adam Well, he has. Yeah, I mean, he has to be, right? Maybe you haven't heard anything.

1:05:59 Caller No.

1:06:00 Adam Oh, my God.

1:06:00 Drew He'll show up here.

1:06:01 Andrew Dice Clay He's going to be very excited.

1:06:03 Drew He'll find the studio.

1:06:04 Adam What city was that in?

1:06:06 Andrew Dice Clay Where was that? Do you know Chicago?

1:06:08 Adam Jersey. Yeah, that sounds about right.

1:06:11 Drew But there, I mean, people that that is a makes it clearer the kind of problems we have in interacting with our callers. That's the quality of lack of communication.

1:06:21 Andrew Dice Clay You know, I meet fans like that, though.

1:06:24 Adam That is. Let me give a quick plug, by the way. That is the beginning of the first CD. It is a three CD set. It's called Filth. You can get over the internet at www.dicemanrules.com or you can call this number. Andrew, you want to sing it?

1:06:41 Andrew Dice Clay 800-711-4499.

1:06:46 Drew But again, it illustrates the point we made a million times is if the world seems to be treating you a certain way, it's because of how you're treating the world. His perception is, these people are hassling me.

1:06:56 Adam Right.

1:06:57 Drew You always talk over me.

1:06:57 Andrew Dice Clay This guy.

1:06:58 Drew Yeah, that's his perception.

1:06:59 Adam Yeah.

1:07:01 Andrew Dice Clay He wasn't getting his demands filled.

1:07:03 Adam He's telling his buddies over beer that night, what a bitch this chick down at the theater is.

1:07:08 Andrew Dice Clay I don't know if this guy has buddies.

1:07:10 Adam That's true. Yeah, they probably, well, he may have a few, but they probably have their own internal monologue going too.

1:07:16 Drew But he certainly has a whole construct in his head about what the man's done to him.

1:07:19 Adam Here's the sad part. He may not have buddies, but he's got a couple kids. Oh, yeah. James.

1:07:26 Drew James?

1:07:28 Andrew Dice Clay Even James got upset with that.

1:07:30 James?

1:07:31 Adam James, are you there?

1:07:31 Drew James is asleep.

1:07:33 Adam Well, it says he can't sleep.

1:07:34 Drew I understand, but we managed to put him to sleep, I think.

1:07:36 Adam His question is he can't sleep. James?

1:07:38 Andrew Dice Clay Maybe James is really clueless.

1:07:40 Adam What are you doing, James?

1:07:42 Caller I'm just trying to get a hold of you guys.

1:07:43 Adam All right, well, start responding when we call your fake radio name out, would you? Idiots. People call the show and they forget their name.

1:07:51 Drew The name they made up.

1:07:54 Andrew Dice Clay What do you say?

1:07:56 Adam You call, here's something that's really funny. People call the show, they don't want to use their regular name. So, you know, Andrew says, tells phone screeners, share my name's Bruce. So then we go, you know, they spend an hour on hold, then we go, Bruce, and they just sit there. I think they're listening to the radio. They forgot that they use that as their radio name. So one time we got a guy and his name, I think it was Michael. And I said, I said, Michael, Michael, Michael. And he went, Oh, yeah? And I said, That's not your real name, is it? And he goes, Yeah, it is. And I said, What do people call you? They call you Mikey, Mike or Michael? And he goes, Mike. And I go, OK. And I go, Michael, how do you spell Michael? And he went, Don't worry about it.

1:08:45 Caller I was like.

1:08:47 Adam At least be prepared to spell the name, everybody, or certainly to respond to it. James. Yeah. All right. So what's going on with you?

1:08:55 Caller I apologize about the pause. That's all right. Kind of a delay or something like that.

1:08:59 Drew What's up, James?

1:09:00 Caller What's up? Well, I've been having problems sleeping for about two years now. And I don't know if it's on your prompter or not, but about two years ago, I stopped using certain drugs that I was using for my attention deficit hyperactive disorder.

1:09:16 Drew Stopped using medicines. Right.

1:09:18 Caller I stopped using them because they really weren't working at all. And I got my problems under control. I really don't have any problems like that anymore. What I do have as a problem now is that I can't sleep very well at night, usually. And for some strange reason, I've found that when I listen to your show, I can sleep better at night.

1:09:37 Drew Well, we're happy to be a part of your therapy here.

1:09:40 Adam But is that usually when Drew drones on about his medical practice?

1:09:45 Drew Of course, of course.

1:09:46 Adam Put you right out? I start to nod off, too, sometimes.

1:09:49 Drew I'm aware of that. But just yank on it.

1:09:53 Adam Can't you masturbate?

1:09:55 Andrew Dice Clay That is the ultimate sleeping pill.

1:09:58 Adam Well, it doesn't make you tired. It's just there's nothing left to do when you're awake.

1:10:01 Andrew Dice Clay It makes me tired.

1:10:03 Adam No, see, it doesn't make me tired. But I just go, hey, what am I going to do now?

1:10:06 Drew Most guys, it raises.

1:10:07 Andrew Dice Clay No, that's what you've got to do. Believe me, forget about pills, forget about any kind of aphrodisiacal thing. You've got to just use your hands.

1:10:18 Drew Most guys, it does.

1:10:19 Andrew Dice Clay Because it's like aerobics. You know what I mean?

1:10:21 Drew It raises serotonin levels afterwards, and that is induced to sleep. That's why guys go to sleep. Women don't get that question so much. Serotonin.

1:10:27 Andrew Dice Clay Serotonin.

1:10:28 Drew But when women actually get a little charged up, they get different chemicals. They're ready to go.

1:10:32 Adam They're ready to go. They want to talk.

1:10:34 Andrew Dice Clay That's why they could keep going.

1:10:35 Adam Yeah.

1:10:36 Andrew Dice Clay You know what I mean?

1:10:38 Adam All you need to know, I mean, if you're trying to explain this to some different beings, some alien that landed on this planet, if men and women should live together for 40 years, here's all you'd have to do is, look, one of the species, after sex, wants to drink beer and fall asleep. The other wants to cuddle and talk.

1:10:57 Andrew Dice Clay I never understood the whole cuddle thing to start with.

1:11:00 Adam Well, that's what they want. You got to do it.

1:11:03 Andrew Dice Clay I don't get that.

1:11:04 Adam What don't you get?

1:11:05 Andrew Dice Clay Well, you know, it's not afterwards, the cuddling. It's when they just want to cuddle.

1:11:10 Adam Oh, yeah.

1:11:11 Andrew Dice Clay You ever get that?

1:11:12 Adam Yes.

1:11:13 Andrew Dice Clay You ever get that, can't we just cuddle tonight?

1:11:15 Drew You both look pained by that.

1:11:17 Andrew Dice Clay Cuddle what?

1:11:18 Drew Yeah.

1:11:19 Caller Cuddle what?

1:11:20 Andrew Dice Clay I just spent 150 bucks on a cow's ass for you to eat, and you want me to cuddle?

1:11:26 Adam Guys can't cuddle without getting a boner anyway. How long can a guy cuddle a naked woman without getting an erection?

1:11:33 Andrew Dice Clay Depends what she looks like.

1:11:35 Adam But eventually-

1:11:36 Andrew Dice Clay If you ever went with a chick called Kalfe Schwalberg or Livestock or Whale Hamster, these are nicknames for girls I've dated. Banana Nose Lynn, Cider Beef Bernstein, you don't pop a thing.

1:11:51 Drew Now, for James-

1:11:52 Andrew Dice Clay You know what I mean?

1:11:53 Drew Just one last word with James, we got to go to break, and that is that he said he handled his problems, and ADD, ADHD is a biological state of being. It's not something you handle. You may learn to manage your biology better, but he's having some biological problems, it sounds like, and as an adult, they do change a little bit, and the medication that he might be using might be different. He ought to get it re-evaluated. Okay.

1:12:14 Andrew Dice Clay James, forget about what the doctor said. It's all between your legs. It's up to you now. You could be asleep in five minutes.

1:12:21 Adam When we come back, we will talk to Sherry. Sherry's 23. Her friend is breastfeeding and smoking pot at the same time.

1:12:28 Andrew Dice Clay Give me the other boob.

1:12:29 Adam We'll yell at them. The other boob becomes a bong at that point, doesn't it, Drew? We'll be back.

1:12:36 Drew I feel so liquidy.

1:12:37 Adam Really?

1:12:38 Caller You're listening to Loveline with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew. Loveline will be right back.

1:13:06 Caller Hi, this is Adam Paskowitz and my brother, Josh.

1:13:08 Caller What's up, baby? We're From the Flies, and you're listening to Love Line with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

1:13:13 Adam All right. Hey, the gang's all here. The Culver City Finest has shown up. We'll give Drew an escort back to Pasadena tonight when he leaves the show. Andrew got a little nervous. That's all right. This show's a friend of The Fuzz. We want to bring back The Fuzz, by the way, guys. Got the cops in here. Drew and I were asking what happened to The Fuzz? Remember when people say, look out for The Fuzz, or here comes The Fuzz? And then it got completely dropped. Cops have hung around. What are the other ones? Pigs? I don't use those anymore. The Man? They got any bad nicknames? What do you guys hate? You know what I mean? Like, each group has the...

1:13:54 Andrew Dice Clay What do they hate?

1:13:54 Caller One time.

1:13:55 Andrew Dice Clay One time?

1:13:57 Adam One time?

1:13:57 Andrew Dice Clay What does that mean?

1:13:58 Caller They just use that on the street.

1:14:00 Caller Really?

1:14:01 Adam They call cops one time? That doesn't sound bad. You know, it's funny. Each group, whether you're gay or Jewish or black, you got a million handles. But there's one that you hate, which is always weird to me. You know what I mean?

1:14:15 Andrew Dice Clay What do you mean?

1:14:16 Adam No, what I mean is, like, I don't think you cops mind cops and you probably don't mind fuzz, but you don't like one time.

1:14:21 Andrew Dice Clay Well, cops is like the normal. Yeah, well, that's not like a, that's not like...

1:14:26 Adam Derogatory?

1:14:28 Drew Now, we have to introduce these guys. These are the guys that pulled Adam from The Flys over earlier today. Right.

1:14:33 Adam I just didn't want to use them over the end.

1:14:35 Drew Explain why we have the police standing in the studio. People that weren't listening earlier.

1:14:40 Adam Adam from The Flys called in, said he got pulled over on the way to Loveline tonight, but not on the way to Loveline, just on the way to the Westwood One studios. The cops were very understanding. When they found out he was who he was and they were fans of the show, they just let each other off. Well, actually, the cops let Adam off. He didn't let them go anywhere. But the point is, is he called in and explained that earlier tonight, then we were talking about it at the beginning of the show when he called in, and lo and behold, an hour and a half later, the cops show up. Isn't that just how it works? You put their name out, an hour and a half later, they show up. All right.

1:15:16 Drew Can you be kind to our friends while standing in the studio? Come on.

1:15:19 Adam The older I get, the more I like cops. I really do. And I feel, with the amount of taxes I pay each year, and I know, Andrew, you probably feel this way, I want my own cop. I really do. There's nothing that makes me sicker than these cops spending all their time showing up to domestic disputes.

1:15:35 Andrew Dice Clay I never have problems with law enforcement.

1:15:40 Drew He's holding me to the chains.

1:15:41 Adam He spells the law with an R, by the way. But here's my feeling. And I wonder if you guys could implement this. I'm speaking to the police officers when I say this. I know it's never going to make it to the books, but you guys have your, you know, you do your own. Uh-oh, someone's calling in now. You got your own breed of justice that you take to the streets. There's what the book says and there's what you do. Here's my, here's my take. When you show up at the same house for like the third domestic dispute call in, let's say, a six month period, you put a bullet in everybody. We don't got time for this. I'm getting sodomized at the ATM. I would have to agree with that. And you're breaking up this fight. Shick threw a curler at a guy and you're over there. Meanwhile, I'm getting gang raped. You know what I'm saying? I don't want the cops showing up breaking up married couples. I understand once in a while the guy gets loaded and he throws a beer can at the old lady and you got to show up. But when it's the third or fourth time, you just put everyone down. That's it.

1:16:37 Andrew Dice Clay I would have to agree with you on that.

1:16:39 Adam You guys should have silencers too. Believe me, when I'm in power, you're going to have silencers. You leave them off, but when it comes, there's certain things you do. We call it cleanup detail. Screw the silencer on. And that's how you know you're screwed, by the way. When you get pulled over and you see the guy screwing the silencer on the piece. These guys, Andrew, I was talking about at the beginning of the show. These guys, ever since this North Hollywood shootout, that's my hometown, by the way. I don't know. You must have seen this on the news.

1:17:06 Andrew Dice Clay Yes, I did.

1:17:07 Adam Guys fired 700,000 rounds in the community. And then the one guy's mom sued for brutality. That's what I love, by the way. But, ever since this big shootout, the cops said, We need weapons, too. So, they got the automatic weapons. These guys got not only sidearms, they got shotguns, they got automatic weapons. And I'm hearing that the new car's got a grenade launcher.

1:17:30 Andrew Dice Clay Everything I have in my house.

1:17:33 Adam All right. Do you guys wear vests now all the time? Bulletproof vests. That's standard.

1:17:41 Andrew Dice Clay Everything's bulletproof?

1:17:43 Drew Bullet-resistant.

1:17:43 Adam Bullet-resistant. It'll slow it down. Yeah.

1:17:46 Drew Stop some stuff.

1:17:47 Adam And they've done a good job with these things now. I mean, you guys look great. They're very becoming. I think they do vertical stripes on them so the guys look more slender. But I mean, they don't have a flap that hangs down and covers the groin, do they? See, that's all. You know what I'd do if they gave me the bulletproof one? I'd stuff the whole thing in my shorts. I wouldn't even put it on. I'd just shove it right down in my pants.

1:18:08 Andrew Dice Clay Good for you that you would do that.

1:18:09 Adam Yeah. Protect the groin. Yeah.

1:18:10 Andrew Dice Clay It's a small move.

1:18:11 Adam Where'd you rather get shot in the shoulder or the nuts?

1:18:14 Andrew Dice Clay You know, the head might hurt.

1:18:15 Adam Well, that's true.

1:18:16 Drew It's expendable. For some guys.

1:18:18 Adam All right. Take a call?

1:18:20 Drew Yeah.

1:18:20 Caller Sherry. Yep.

1:18:21 Adam You're 23.

1:18:22 Caller Yes, I am.

1:18:23 Adam What's going on?

1:18:24 Caller Well, my friend just had a baby and started smoking pot again, but she's breastfeeding now.

1:18:29 Adam You guys want to roll on this one? I think we traced the call.

1:18:35 Caller Traced it.

1:18:35 Adam Where are you calling from?

1:18:38 Caller Hawaii.

1:18:40 Adam That's a long drive.

1:18:41 Andrew Dice Clay Nice.

1:18:42 Adam Now she's lying. So your friend's smoking weed and she's breastfeeding.

1:18:46 Andrew Dice Clay So why would that concern you?

1:18:49 Caller Well, it's going to happen to the kid.

1:18:50 Andrew Dice Clay Worry about the kid. Worry about you.

1:18:53 Adam What is going to happen to the kid, Drew?

1:18:55 Andrew Dice Clay You have any kids?

1:18:56 Caller No, I don't.

1:18:57 Andrew Dice Clay Alright, so why don't you mind your business?

1:18:59 Caller Why don't you mind your business?

1:19:00 Andrew Dice Clay Why don't you mind yours? Worry about you, not your friend, squealing on her with her big boobs, those big fleshy sacks of meat.

1:19:08 Adam Shut up.

1:19:09 Andrew Dice Clay Could have a good time with that.

1:19:11 Adam Andrew Hey, you ought to be a counselor, Andrew.

1:19:14 Andrew Dice Clay Why is she so nasty to me? I didn't say nothing.

1:19:17 Adam Andrew Yeah. Andrew Don't mind Andrew.

1:19:19 Caller I don't.

1:19:20 Andrew Dice Clay She likes me. I appeal to her.

1:19:22 Adam Andrew How many kids does your friend have?

1:19:25 Andrew Dice Clay I think she's a little maybe apprehensible, because maybe her breasts aren't as big as her friends.

1:19:33 Caller Oh, yeah.

1:19:34 Andrew Dice Clay Are they?

1:19:35 Caller Tough guy.

1:19:36 Andrew Dice Clay Are they?

1:19:37 Caller They don't even call. They talk to you.

1:19:40 Adam All right. Listen.

1:19:41 Andrew Dice Clay You called to take off your panties.

1:19:43 Adam Listen, it's turning to a domestic spot.

1:19:45 Andrew Dice Clay I don't mean nothing by that.

1:19:46 Adam Cops are going to put the signs on.

1:19:47 Andrew Dice Clay She's a hot chick. She's looking to have a good time. She's using you as an excuse to get to me, just like that other one that messes with the guy's brothers. Sherry 13-year-old. No, not the 13-year-old, stupid.

1:19:59 Drew Marijuana definitely in the breast milk, definitely deleterious for the child. Your friend's got severe problems if she can't even contain her use in the face of potential damage to the child.

1:20:09 Adam Does everything you ingest go into the breast milk?

1:20:11 Drew Everything fat soluble does.

1:20:13 Andrew Dice Clay He's a very serious person.

1:20:14 Adam So what about booze? Is booze fat soluble?

1:20:18 Drew Yeah, it might be. I don't know how much. I bet it is, yeah.

1:20:21 Andrew Dice Clay You mean everything could come out through the breast?

1:20:23 Drew A lot of stuff can, yeah.

1:20:24 Adam Man, there's a lot of potential there. Like if you get a flu, you'd give the kid the flu?

1:20:29 Caller Really?

1:20:31 Adam What if you have AIDS?

1:20:32 Drew That was a concern, that that was how the babies were getting AIDS.

1:20:35 Adam Really? Is it true?

1:20:37 Drew No, probably not.

1:20:38 Adam OK. But you can smoke weed if you got AIDS, so what do you care?

1:20:42 Caller Yeah.

1:20:42 Adam Why don't you tell her to knock it off?

1:20:44 Caller I will.

1:20:45 Drew OK.

1:20:46 Andrew Dice Clay Just the fact that Sherry knows about this is what's bothering me.

1:20:50 Caller Well, I know she breast feeds me.

1:20:51 Andrew Dice Clay You live alone?

1:20:53 Caller Dude, leave me alone.

1:20:55 Adam Drew, how long does it take? If you smoke the pot...

1:20:57 Andrew Dice Clay Come over, bang on your door, have a couple layers, throw a few back.

1:21:00 Adam If you smoke pot, would it come through your breast a week later?

1:21:04 Drew If you smoked all the time, it could.

1:21:05 Adam Alright. Hey Sherry?

1:21:07 Caller Yep.

1:21:07 Adam Just tell her to lay low or she's going to turn her kid into a retard.

1:21:10 Caller Oh, OK.

1:21:11 Adam Alright?

1:21:12 Andrew Dice Clay That kid will get a little woozy.

1:21:14 Adam God knows what my mom was sucking on when I was sucking on her.

1:21:17 Drew That would explain a lot.

1:21:18 Caller Yeah.

1:21:19 Andrew Dice Clay I don't believe in that.

1:21:20 Adam You don't?

1:21:21 Caller No.

1:21:21 Adam You don't believe in breastfeeding? No.

1:21:23 Andrew Dice Clay It's stupid. Not with all the cows you got out there.

1:21:26 Adam Yeah. But you know, for the kid to get under the cow.

1:21:29 Andrew Dice Clay But picture if your mother is like a Linda Tripp. You already got the cow.

1:21:34 Adam So you're saying the trauma.

1:21:35 Andrew Dice Clay You know what I mean? If you got to be sucking on something, at least you should have the choice of who's breast. You know? Not some ugly fat slob. You know, a hot looking chick from the Tropicana or something. You know, something like that. Nice.

1:21:49 Adam Andrew Suck a little saline out of there.

1:21:50 Andrew Dice Clay You know what I mean? You know, these ugly chicks are looking for their jollies. That's why they have the kids do it. What happened to homogenized? That's what I say. You know what I mean? And they got the, you know, the breasts have fat in them. You know what I mean? You could buy the milk now that's skin free.

1:22:06 Adam Andrew Hey, speaking of milk, I just want to bring something up for a second. It just jumped in my head.

1:22:10 Andrew Dice Clay Andrew Even the policemen are nodding like, he makes a point.

1:22:14 Adam Andrew You're just scaring them. That's why they're nodding. Listen, Andrew, you're old enough to remember powdered milk. You remember this craze? Remember everyone thought they're going to save a nickel with the powdered milk? I don't either. But the point is, for some reason, I must have been right in the sweet spot of powdered milk. I don't think people make powdered milk anymore. But when I was a kid, everybody was getting into this powdered milk.

1:22:36 Drew Or evaporated milk.

1:22:37 Adam What you can do is you can save yourself a nickel a week by making this powdered milk.

1:22:42 Andrew Dice Clay It's stupid, but most people are also.

1:22:43 Adam It's the worst tasting crap in the world. Well, my take is, is hey, if you can't afford a gallon of milk, don't have the goddamn kids.

1:22:49 Andrew Dice Clay Exactly. Let the foreigners have the frigging powdered milk.

1:22:53 Adam That's right.

1:22:55 Andrew Dice Clay Give it to all these guys off the boat. Here's all the milk you can handle. Good for you.

1:23:00 Adam Nicole. Yes. You're 19.

1:23:02 Caller Yep.

1:23:03 Adam What's going on?

1:23:04 Caller Nice. When I went to a gynecologist, they said my cervix is kind of crooked or something.

1:23:08 Andrew Dice Clay It's almost like getting a new toy.

1:23:10 Caller Yeah.

1:23:11 Adam Maybe you're just laying on your side.

1:23:13 Andrew Dice Clay What are you going about?

1:23:15 Drew Her cervix is crooked, Jesus.

1:23:16 Andrew Dice Clay The cervix?

1:23:17 Caller Are you going to listen to me?

1:23:19 Andrew Dice Clay Is that sensitive? You got a sensitive cervix?

1:23:22 Caller I don't know.

1:23:24 Adam Tell Andrew what the cervix is.

1:23:26 Drew Get your thing out.

1:23:27 Adam I don't have that thing.

1:23:28 Andrew Dice Clay What's the cervix?

1:23:29 Drew You should know. We have diagrams. We'll get them for you in a second.

1:23:32 Andrew Dice Clay Diagram? I don't want to see no cervix. All right.

1:23:34 Adam So your cervix?

1:23:35 Andrew Dice Clay Two things. The top and the bottom.

1:23:38 Adam Well, this is sort of the inside the bottom. Nicole, the cervix is crooked.

1:23:43 Caller How do you know?

1:23:44 Drew Nicole, I bet you told me it was tilted. Right?

1:23:47 Caller Something.

1:23:48 Drew Tilted.

1:23:49 Adam Yeah.

1:23:50 Caller And like whenever I have sex, like I get like a whole bunch of air up there.

1:23:54 Adam Right.

1:23:54 Caller And I was wondering if that's normal or what?

1:23:57 Adam It's going to show Andrew the cervix.

1:23:58 Andrew Dice Clay Oh, I see. Nice.

1:24:00 Adam When a gynecologist is giving you a pap smear and falls over, that's a bad sign.

1:24:05 Andrew Dice Clay You know what you got to do? I'm seeing what a crooked cervix is. You got to find a guy with a crooked penis.

1:24:11 Drew Oh, okay.

1:24:12 Andrew Dice Clay And it's all fixed.

1:24:13 Drew Now, he told you it was tilted. You just sort of flip in a different direction. And it's nothing to do with the air getting into the vagina, which is a whole different thing. And air getting into the vagina is a normal thing. I mean, most women get that.

1:24:24 Adam How will the tilted cervix affect a woman?

1:24:27 Drew Not at all, probably.

1:24:28 Adam Not at all.

1:24:28 Drew Maybe some pain for various times of the month.

1:24:31 Caller Well, how do you prevent air going in there?

1:24:34 Caller Air?

1:24:35 Caller Yeah, air.

1:24:36 Andrew Dice Clay What do you mean, air?

1:24:37 Adam You know, when you're having sex? You know, like when you're plunging the toilet?

1:24:41 Andrew Dice Clay Yeah.

1:24:42 Adam And it makes that sound?

1:24:44 Andrew Dice Clay Who did that?

1:24:45 Adam I think Engineer Mike did that. You know what I'm talking about?

1:24:48 Andrew Dice Clay Yeah, okay.

1:24:49 Adam You get air caught up in there?

1:24:50 Andrew Dice Clay Yeah, but what does that have to do with her cervix?

1:24:52 Drew Nothing.

1:24:53 Adam She thinks it's connected. But this is another problem.

1:24:56 Andrew Dice Clay Nineteen year old, slow down a little, honey. You know what I mean?

1:24:59 Adam Nicole?

1:25:00 Andrew Dice Clay Slow down, too many guys.

1:25:01 Adam No, it is true. Just slow down. When you have the fast sex, that's when you get the air. It's like when you eat too fast, you get gas.

1:25:08 Andrew Dice Clay How many men have you slept with in your life?

1:25:10 Caller How many men?

1:25:11 Andrew Dice Clay Yeah.

1:25:11 Caller Probably three.

1:25:12 Andrew Dice Clay Three. You see what you're doing already? You're 19 years old. You got to work it in slow. You know, it's like a new car. You know, you don't want to get right on the freeway. You know what I mean? You want to drive in the street a little. Break it in nice, nice. Get the wheels rotated a few times. And you take it out on the freeway. You open it up nice.

1:25:32 Adam Nicole.

1:25:33 Andrew Dice Clay You say, good for you. Look what you're doing now.

1:25:35 Adam You got one man?

1:25:37 Caller Well, actually, I don't have any man anymore.

1:25:39 Adam But does the air get in there in every position? Because sometimes it's only in certain positions.

1:25:44 Caller I don't know. I have it tight every position.

1:25:46 Adam OK.

1:25:47 Andrew Dice Clay Three guys, you had to do something, honey.

1:25:49 Adam That's three guys at once or three guys total?

1:25:52 Caller I don't know. What do you think?

1:25:53 Adam I'm going at once. All right.

1:25:54 Andrew Dice Clay Look, you're a nice girl.

1:25:56 Adam Slow down and don't worry about it. Listen, that fart sound, guys, don't mind. It's a sound of progress. They like that sound. They do. Here's the problem with the sound.

1:26:06 Caller Progress.

1:26:09 Adam It's like, you know, like when you shout in a vowel and you hear your voice back. It's the equivalent to that.

1:26:16 Andrew Dice Clay Are you a big girl? Are you a little girl? How tall are you?

1:26:20 Adam Nicole?

1:26:21 Caller Yeah.

1:26:21 Adam You big?

1:26:23 Caller Not that big.

1:26:24 Andrew Dice Clay How tall are you?

1:26:25 Caller I'm 5'5, 120 pounds.

1:26:27 Adam That's perfect.

1:26:28 Andrew Dice Clay Just get on the treadmill.

1:26:29 Adam Oh, please. That's perfect.

1:26:31 Andrew Dice Clay No, no. What I'm saying is, you know, just to keep it, you know, liquefied, whatever.

1:26:36 Adam Andrew, you know what I'm...

1:26:37 Andrew Dice Clay I'm good like that. I know a lot about sex. You don't got to tell me nothing.

1:26:40 Adam You know that sound.

1:26:41 Andrew Dice Clay You know.

1:26:41 Adam And the problem is, is when people have sex, they get real serious. They get their game face on. And then when the big fart comes flying out, it sort of breaks everyone's concentration. It's like if you're playing a chess match and some guy ripped the fart.

1:26:57 Andrew Dice Clay I wouldn't know about it.

1:26:59 Adam You cup your hand right, you get it.

1:27:00 Andrew Dice Clay Because if I'm not masturbating, I'm most probably sleeping.

1:27:04 Drew Oh, you guys are separated at birth.

1:27:06 Adam We're brethren.

1:27:07 Drew My God.

1:27:08 Andrew Dice Clay Yeah, that's why I didn't understand that guy. I can't sleep. Can't sleep.

1:27:11 Adam Yeah, if we live together, we could take shifts. I'll sleep. You whack off. All right?

1:27:16 Andrew Dice Clay Whack bag. Whack bag. Everybody whack the bag.

1:27:19 Adam All right. Andrew Dice Clay is here. If you didn't know that. He's got himself a CD out. It's called Phil.

1:27:24 Andrew Dice Clay Put another broad on the phone. I love helping people.

1:27:26 Adam Well, we got to take a little break. Then we'll come back with the Bronx.

1:27:29 Andrew Dice Clay Do what you gotta do.

1:27:56 Adam Hey, it's Loveline. Andrew Dice Clay is our guest tonight. Filth is the name of his latest CD. You can get that over the internet by punching up www.dicemanrules.com. Andrew's taking a leak or something, but I guess he's coming back into the studio. You can also pick up the CDs by calling 1-800-711-4499. Hey, let's see, Lance, let's talk to the cops. Hey, fire a shot off. Let Andrew know that the show has started up. I mean, into the ceiling, not into Mike or anything.

1:28:34 Drew I just want to take this one call before Dice gets back here.

1:28:37 Adam What is it?

1:28:37 Drew I've kept from him for a while. Holly.

1:28:39 Hello.

1:28:40 Drew What's going on there?

1:28:42 Dr. Drew?

1:28:43 Drew Yes, ma'am.

1:28:43 Okay, I wanted to ask you about this. I've been in therapy for about six years. I've been doing really, really good.

1:28:52 Andrew Dice Clay My friggin wife made pea soup. I had nothing to eat.

1:28:56 Hello.

1:28:57 Drew I'm listening. Keep going.

1:28:58 Adam You better go fast, Holly.

1:28:59 I've been doing really good in everything. Diagnosed with depression and anxiety. And I've started cutting on myself. This is something that I did when I was like 15, but I quit a couple years.

1:29:12 Drew Got it.

1:29:12 And now I'm doing it again.

1:29:14 Drew Got it. How long have you been in therapy?

1:29:16 Excuse me?

1:29:16 Drew How long have you been in therapy for?

1:29:18 Six years. For about one year, I only went like every three months because I was doing really well.

1:29:23 Drew Is something happening now?

1:29:25 No. That's what I don't understand.

1:29:28 Drew No relationship, anything like that?

1:29:30 Adam You're back cutting on yourself again?

1:29:32 Yeah.

1:29:33 Drew Are you getting into something with therapy that's painful or feels out of control?

1:29:37 No. I can't think of anything.

1:29:39 Drew Are you an addict?

1:29:40 No.

1:29:42 Adam No. You've got to get back into therapy.

1:29:44 I am.

1:29:45 Drew What did your therapist say about this?

1:29:47 See, that's what it's kind of irritating. They're like, she's like, well, not many people really know why people do this.

1:29:53 Drew That's true. There's a lot of theories about it, but nobody knows for sure. It usually just means that there is some overwhelming stress or some overwhelming feelings that you can't manage and it's a way of sort of releasing it or getting some relief. It's a very primitive, regressive behavior. It's obviously something you haven't done for a long time. It means something, but it's hard to know what it means. I mean, my guess, addicts do this as a way of sort of activating the reward systems. People who have been cutters do this when they're extra depressed or have a lot of stress in their life. Relationship, fear of loss or something in therapy that's starting to come up that you're not able to handle. You may not even be aware of yet.

1:30:28 Adam I haven't brought this up in a while, but I believe as humans evolve and we keep evolving physically just like any other animal, we're going to have a part that's put on us just to f with. You know what I mean? Just to tattoo, just to pierce, just to cut off. Just to mutilate, just to put beads under. Don't you think, Drew? I think if people just keep going this way, there'll be some...

1:30:49 Drew Why don't we just start doing that to the appendix?

1:30:51 Adam It's like the baby toe.

1:30:55 Andrew Dice Clay There's no need for that. Like if somebody took that little toe from you, you'd be like, I don't need that. Isn't that the toe when you're out at the pool, you're always looking at it, going, I don't need this. And that's the toe that digs into the other toe. You ever notice that it's turned towards the other toe? The minute the nail gets lit, it just starts digging in and digging in.

1:31:15 Adam Oh, you should see my grandmas. Hers goes all the way across.

1:31:18 Andrew Dice Clay You know what I mean?

1:31:19 Adam And I don't mean just on that foot. It goes to the other foot.

1:31:22 Andrew Dice Clay I'm telling you, that's the toe that you get sciatica trying to cut the nail.

1:31:27 Adam Yeah.

1:31:27 Andrew Dice Clay Which in a chiropractor's bed for 20 years.

1:31:31 Adam It was really-

1:31:31 Andrew Dice Clay That's that toe. Good for that toe. You ever notice that?

1:31:36 Adam Yeah, Andrew, I was thinking more of like a third lobe, somewhere like on your sternum.

1:31:41 Andrew Dice Clay What do you mean a third lobe? Like an ear lobe?

1:31:44 Adam Yeah, something that's sort of-

1:31:45 Andrew Dice Clay How about a third testicle?

1:31:47 Adam Yeah, but you wouldn't want to cut on that or tattoo on that.

1:31:49 Andrew Dice Clay I'm not talking about car, I'm talking as a reserve.

1:31:51 Adam I'm saying I think there should be another part of the human body. Yeah, but you wouldn't want to cut to it, pierce it or cut it. The second one's in his ass.

1:32:01 Caller Don't you?

1:32:03 Andrew Dice Clay Everybody's got two. That's like silly.

1:32:06 Adam Zach.

1:32:07 Caller Hey, how are you doing?

1:32:08 Andrew Dice Clay What's going on? I got two penises, nobody believes me.

1:32:10 Adam You're twenty-two.

1:32:12 Andrew Dice Clay Yeah.

1:32:12 Caller Yeah. My girl and I have been going out for about three months. And it's going really well.

1:32:19 Andrew Dice Clay So what's the problem?

1:32:20 Caller We're both in the military and I leave in March. I get stationed at a different place.

1:32:25 Andrew Dice Clay I could see how that game happens.

1:32:27 Caller Yeah, it sucks, man. Anyway, we've been talking about like what we're going to do. Like in the future, we just talked about that a little bit tonight.

1:32:35 Andrew Dice Clay I tell you something, Joey, you know what you're going to be doing. You're around the middle of the desert somewhere, some chick walks over with them kerchiefs on. Bingo, you're in.

1:32:44 Adam You're going to be catching ping pong balls.

1:32:46 Andrew Dice Clay No, no, he's really in love, so you know.

1:32:49 Drew Catching ping pong balls?

1:32:50 Andrew Dice Clay Do you ever play like the game?

1:32:51 Adam That's what goes on in the military. They go to Thailand, they catch the ping pong balls, the chicks shoot out of the car.

1:32:55 Andrew Dice Clay Does she ever walk in in the outfit and play like the dominating sergeant or something? You ever do that?

1:33:03 Caller No.

1:33:03 Adam No, we haven't.

1:33:04 Andrew Dice Clay I'm only kidding. This is an actual problem you want to talk about?

1:33:07 Adam No.

1:33:08 Andrew Dice Clay Oh, okay. I bet there's not even a chick. I bet you just want to get on the radio.

1:33:12 Caller No, I didn't want to. I just wanted some straight advice.

1:33:15 Andrew Dice Clay Oh, okay.

1:33:15 Adam We're going to help you then.

1:33:16 Andrew Dice Clay Well, I'm a complete moron, so talk to the other person.

1:33:20 Adam You guys are... You're moving. All right, don't give them service. I know, I'm teasing. I know they don't speak Yiddish in the military.

1:33:26 Andrew Dice Clay Because I'm trying to make them feel good. He's in the military. I try to lighten things up. I mean, you know, you don't know her nothing.

1:33:34 Adam Listen.

1:33:35 Andrew Dice Clay Yeah.

1:33:36 Adam Dice, the guy's got a gun. I'll leave him alone. Oh, you're right. Zach. Yeah. You guys are moving apart. You want to know how to... Can't you put in, once you get married, don't they have something to facilitate that in the military?

1:33:48 Andrew Dice Clay He's not married. He's only dating her.

1:33:49 Drew Three months. Oh, three months.

1:33:51 Andrew Dice Clay He's dating her. It's new love. You know what happens for the first six months when you're with a new chick.

1:33:55 Drew It's like going away to college.

1:33:55 Andrew Dice Clay You never see her with her pants on.

1:33:57 Adam Six months into it, you can't wait till they go away.

1:34:01 Andrew Dice Clay But three months, you're in there.

1:34:02 Drew How long will you be apart?

1:34:03 Andrew Dice Clay That's when you sweat.

1:34:05 Drew Does that?

1:34:05 Andrew Dice Clay You know what I mean?

1:34:06 Drew What? How long will you be apart?

1:34:09 Caller Well, see, we're both studying for two different things. She'd be gone, I'd say, probably about a year and a half.

1:34:14 Drew Oh, boy.

1:34:15 Caller Yeah.

1:34:16 Andrew Dice Clay A year and a half.

1:34:17 Drew Is there any way to station nearby? No way.

1:34:19 Andrew Dice Clay Hey, Gus, listen to me now.

1:34:20 Caller We'd be on the other side of the world.

1:34:23 Drew I don't know about this. I think you gotta make, in your young age especially, I think it's important you follow your career, both of you. What career?

1:34:32 Adam They major in gook killing. They're not doing it.

1:34:34 Drew What are you guys studying? What are you studying?

1:34:36 Andrew Dice Clay They call me a bad person.

1:34:37 Caller What are you studying, Zach? International language studies.

1:34:41 Drew How about your girl, Ron?

1:34:42 Caller Same thing, different languages.

1:34:43 Drew All right. Come on.

1:34:45 Andrew Dice Clay So learn the language over there. There are plenty of broads walking around.

1:34:48 Adam Is there any way for either one of you, since you're studying, you're both linguists, can't you put yourself in to transfer or go with or go to? Or is there any facility for that?

1:34:59 Caller Well, it's hard as hell. I mean, where the needs are, that's where they put you.

1:35:04 Drew I think this relationship may just be one of those that occurs at the wrong time in your life.

1:35:07 Andrew Dice Clay He's going to have to learn the hard way like everybody does.

1:35:10 Drew I suspect. But you try to get on with your life in the meantime and reconvene somewhere. Don't try to keep it going because it'll be impossible.

1:35:15 Caller What?

1:35:15 Adam They're in love. Why don't you get married? And that way you could get shipped out to the same place.

1:35:19 Caller Well, one thing, I don't want to be a statistic where I'm from. And another thing is that it'd be, like I said, it's really hard to get stationed together even if you're married. Because I know people who have been married and then they get stationed totally far apart and then they don't talk. They talk with each other and stuff but they don't see each other for like a year or two years.

1:35:36 Adam Listen, man.

1:35:37 Andrew Dice Clay Gus, you're 23 years old. Listen to me, Gus. Okay?

1:35:40 Adam You've got to buy someone a carton of cigarettes or something.

1:35:42 Andrew Dice Clay You want me to lay out your life because you're 23 years old? You want to know what happens, Gus? You're full in love at 23. I'm sure she's a very pretty woman, right? She's very pretty. You're in love. You're infatuated with her. Now you get married to this chick, right? Now they send you to some, you know, some third-world frigging country. In the meantime, she's pregnant, right? Now you got the kid. But now there's a problem because you never get to see her. Now you come home and the neighbor's been banging her, right? So now you're divorced, Gus. By the time you're 24 or 25, you're divorced with kids that don't even know who you are and they're calling the stranger daddy, right? And you're going to pay support for the next 18 years. And every time you come there, they're not even going to know who you are. Is that what you want for you?

1:36:24 Adam That's one scenario.

1:36:26 Andrew Dice Clay That's what happens when you're young and you fall in love and you have kids and then you got to travel like a traveling salesman.

1:36:32 Adam Okay.

1:36:33 Andrew Dice Clay And she goes, well, you weren't around. You didn't understand.

1:36:35 Adam Andrew.

1:36:36 Andrew Dice Clay And you show up at their wedding and they look at you like, you ought to step back. Sorry. That don't hold water with me.

1:36:43 Adam I hate to break the break up the rant, but we got to go to break.

1:36:47 Andrew Dice Clay It's always a break when I got an opinion.

1:36:49 Adam Start writing letters.

1:36:50 Andrew Dice Clay You got an opinion, there's no problem.

1:36:52 Adam That's true.

1:36:53 Andrew Dice Clay I'm trying to help this guy, Gus. He defends the country of the United States of America.

1:36:58 Adam Oh, please. He's learning to speak Korean.

1:37:00 Andrew Dice Clay Oh, really?

1:37:00 Adam All right. We'll be back.

1:37:01 Andrew Dice Clay Good for him.

1:37:32 Adam Andrew is either doing cocaine or is a spastic bladder, because he was just in the bathroom 10 minutes ago. We're out of show. I want to thank Andrew Dice Clay for coming in here. I want to thank Culver City Finest for coming in here and protecting the show. Go out and get the new CD built and get over the internet, or you can get it by calling the 800 number, 800-711-4499. Until next time, it's Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew saying, Huh?

1:37:59 Drew Say good night.

1:38:00 Adam All right. Don't screw up. Go.

1:38:02 Caller All right.

1:38:02 Adam Mahala.

1:38:16 Caller Loveline is produced by Ann Wilkin Zingal.

1:38:18 Caller Now, please listen to this station longer.

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Tuesday, January 5, 1999