Episode 1000754887375

1:01 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised. Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew Loveline, Coast to Coast.

4:06 Dr. Bruce Right now I'm having a little sex and I passed out a couple of times.

4:08 Adam Oh, yes. He did pass out last night, by the way. Oh, yeah. After watching this huge Motocross event, we then went into a theater and watched Jeremy McGrath's big movie. Jeremy comes on the show from time to time and anyone who knows anything about Supercross knows that this guy is number one by quite a distance. The number one writer has, I don't know, 27 total victories and Jeremy McGrath has like 75. I mean, it's really a landslide. It's really the Tiger Woods and the Michael Jordan of Supercross. All right. I'm just going to pile through these calls. Jessica? Hey. Hey. Oh, my God. You're 23 and your mom is diagnosed with something I can't pronounce?

5:01 Caller Yeah.

5:01 Adam Yeah.

5:02 I don't know what it is.

5:03 Adam Yeah. And that's your question?

5:04 Caller Yeah.

5:05 I don't know what the hell it is.

5:06 Adam Yeah. Fibromyalgia?

5:09 Caller Fibro.

5:10 Adam Yeah. All right, baby.

5:11 Caller I think something.

5:12 Adam Well, you can pronounce it. What is that? Well, I'm no doctor, but it sounds like cancer.

5:19 Caller No, don't say that.

5:20 Adam Well, it just sounds like it. And I give her three weeks.

5:23 Caller That's not nice. No, that's not nice.

5:24 Adam Oh, OK. No, you're right. Three to five weeks. Three to five.

5:28 You are an asshole.

5:29 Adam Is that cool?

5:30 Caller No, that's not cool.

5:32 Adam All right. When is your birthday?

5:34 Caller October 12th.

5:35 Adam October. Well, all right.

5:38 Caller Let's see.

5:39 Adam She'll make it to your birthday.

5:40 Caller Oh, is it in the stars?

5:42 Adam Yeah. Yeah. I give her October. When is that? About eight, nine months or something?

5:48 What does it say about the rest of society?

5:51 Adam I didn't. Ten though. Yeah. She'll get. She'll make it to Easter. How about that, baby?

5:58 Caller That's not very nice.

5:59 Adam All right. Well, listen, I'm going to put you on hold. And when Bruce comes in.

6:02 Caller Lazy, yes.

6:04 Adam Lazy Bruce comes in. Lacker. He can. Slacker, lazy, stoner Bruce comes in. He can stutter his way through an answer. Okay? Okay. Thanks. All right. So just hang on.

6:12 All right.

6:13 Adam All right. Let's go to Laura.

6:17 Caller Laura?

6:18 Hi.

6:19 Adam You're 19. What's up?

6:22 Caller I have a really complicated situation going on right now. I'll try to keep it brief as I can. But October of 99, I was at my local college and I found a flyer up for a musician who was looking for a band, for a vocalist. And I happened to be a vocalist. So I responded to his ad and we hit it off like really well right away. We were having sex by November.

6:48 Adam What kind of music do you do?

6:50 Caller I'm an acoustic rock singer.

6:52 Adam I see. Do you do any stuff? You cover any songs?

6:56 Caller No, it's all original.

6:57 Adam I see.

6:58 Yeah.

6:59 Adam Could you give us a little of your original, one of your original ditties?

7:03 I would love to.

7:04 Adam Yeah, give me a little of that.

7:05 Caller Okay. This one's called Rowena. Yeah. And just cut me off when you need me to stop.

7:10 All right.

7:12 Caller Bittersweet and melancholy.

7:14 All right.

7:15 Adam Right. That's enough.

7:16 Thanks.

7:17 Adam Were you a heart? Were you singing about Pegasuses and Unicorns and things like that? No, I'm sorry. Go ahead, Laura. Let's go a little more. I'm sorry.

7:26 Caller Okay.

7:27 Adam So by no bittersweet and melancholy.

7:31 Caller Oh, you want me to go with the song?

7:32 Adam Yeah. Let's go a little more.

7:34 Caller Okay.

7:34 Adam Two, three, four. Hold on. Were you molested or beaten or what happened? What happened with your childhood?

8:06 Caller Actually, I've had a really, really good childhood.

8:08 Adam And you're singing about the Rowena Soul dying?

8:12 Caller Well, I mean, nobody ever did anything to me. I've always been like a little overweight and a little low.

8:18 Adam Yeah, a little.

8:20 Caller I got made fun of that a lot.

8:21 Adam I see.

8:23 Caller No, now I'm like sitting down and I'm working out and I'm almost down to my target weight, but.

8:29 Adam Feeling good about yourself. Speaking of making fun of in high school, Dr. Bruce has just hauled his spindly ass into the studio.

8:38 Dr. Bruce I heard you on the radio.

8:40 Adam OK, well, maybe Anderson will turn your mic on.

8:42 Dr. Bruce I think it's over a hundred and a half. Washington coming.

8:44 Adam There you go. All right.

8:45 Dr. Bruce Thank you.

8:45 Adam Dr. Bruce is here now. So hold on. Let me talk to Bruce for just one second. Bruce, the show's begun. You're aware of that. I would you hit some more an excuse notorious Sunday night traffic.

8:57 Dr. Bruce And I turned around for your buddy. I forgot the numbing stuff. So I turn around, go back home.

9:01 Adam Right.

9:01 Dr. Bruce Get the lidocaine cream.

9:03 Adam OK. Do you have it? Yes. OK. Dr. Bruce is going to take a tattoo of one of my buddies. One of my buddies had has the name of his ex-girlfriend on his ankle. The proverbial ex-girlfriend. You know, here's the problem. That's cool, except for his wife isn't really thrilled about the name of his ex-girlfriend on his ankle. I think it must kind of remind. It must be a constant reminder. Yeah. I mean, even though he wears socks, still she knows it's there. And how would you do with that, by the way, if Doug had some X written on his ankle? You cut his leg off, right?

9:42 Dr. Bruce Yeah, pretty much. He doesn't need it.

9:44 Adam Yeah. Here's what I figure Ann's move would be. I figure Ann's move would be like she'd get them all liquored up, he'd pass out, and then she'd carve it out with a crocheting needle while he was belly up, right?

9:57 Caller I would just shave off the first few layers of the skin.

10:00 Adam Right. Just keep going at it with like a orbital sander or something until it came off.

10:05 Caller Not too much pain.

10:06 Adam All right. So anyway, Dr. Bruce is going to remove my buddy's tat, which is very generous of him. But apparently this is a fairly painful procedure, something that Bruce rarely talks about. They do it with the laser and it's pretty painful. And so you have to rub some numbing cream. Is that amla cream?

10:24 Dr. Bruce Amla cream or yeah, there's several types.

10:27 Adam That they rub on it.

10:28 Dr. Bruce Yeah. You could use hemorrhoid cream.

10:32 Adam That doesn't have as much pop though, right?

10:34 Dr. Bruce Not as much pop, no. It's good for hemorrhoids.

10:35 Adam Was cocaine originally sort of formulated for that? What was cocaine? What was that?

10:41 Dr. Bruce It was in Coca-Cola. Well, you know, the famous Coca-Cola was...

10:44 Adam Yeah, but didn't they make that as a topical?

10:47 Dr. Bruce It still is. It's still used by ear, nose and throat surgeons for nasal anesthesia.

10:51 Adam Oh, it is?

10:52 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

10:52 Adam You mean, would you suck it up or would they put on a suave or something, put it up there, or do it in a liquid form?

10:58 Dr. Bruce Yeah, you can put it... For instance, if you're going to do a procedure where you put a fiber optic scope in your nose and down to look at the vocal cords or something like that, it gives you good anesthesia and vasoconstriction. So you don't...

11:11 Adam Is it in a liquid form?

11:13 Dr. Bruce It comes liquid, powder.

11:14 Adam But how would they put it up your nose?

11:16 Dr. Bruce Liquid and then on a...

11:17 Adam Yeah. Okay. So when I say, is it in liquid form three times?

11:21 Dr. Bruce Yes.

11:22 Adam Thank you.

11:23 Dr. Bruce King... I'm going to call you King... Well... King Adam.

11:25 Adam What the eff... I mean, listen, how combative do you got to be? I keep saying it's in a liquid form.

11:29 Dr. Bruce Well, what do you think? No, it's powder and they snort it. That's what we have...

11:32 Adam Well, listen, jackass, I know it's in powder form.

11:35 Dr. Bruce I hope your buddies are listening and see how abusive you are.

11:38 Adam We all know it's in powder form. I'm wondering if they snorted. I doubt they do. And that's why I keep asking.

11:44 Dr. Bruce We all know. If you know why you're asking.

11:46 Adam Yes, I do know it comes in powder form.

11:48 Dr. Bruce Is this good radio? You're beating me up over there.

11:50 Adam You know what good radio would be? If I weren't here. You're agreeing with me when I'm right, you jackass. Please. All right. So anyway, you got some of this cream. What did you get?

12:02 Dr. Bruce Well, this is, I have it compounded by a pharmacist at 10 percent. Because the 4 percent doesn't work.

12:07 Adam No. You have your own batch made up.

12:09 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

12:09 Adam Nice. And what's the big deal with something like the cortisone cream and stuff? I mean, why can't you get something that's got a little punch to it? You know what I mean? I mean, if you're using a cream to numb an area of your skin so you can get a tattoo removed, why not make it 10 percent so it works? Why do you got to go blow a pharmacist to get a special Dr. Bruce batch made up? Well, that's right. What is that?

12:34 Dr. Bruce My sentiments exactly. Well, it's to protect the public because, first of all...

12:38 Adam Protect them against what? They're in pain because you got a laser on the guys' tattoo and it's not numb.

12:45 Dr. Bruce Right, but to allow people to purchase 10 percent lidocaine, you can absorb enough lidocaine to get a significant blood level and have toxicity. Just like when you're giving an injection to numb the skin, you can only give a certain amount. So there's a danger.

12:58 Adam So what are you? Aren't you worried?

13:00 Dr. Bruce I'm a doctor. I know what I'm doing.

13:01 Adam But you're giving it to my buddy. He's going to rub it all over his penis and have sex with his wife.

13:07 Dr. Bruce Maintain?

13:08 Adam Yeah. Give me a little of that. I'm going to use it to whack off that.

13:11 Dr. Bruce Listen, you could do well with putting it on. If we can get it to your brain, numb the part that's obnoxious.

13:15 Adam Put it in a Q-tip, put it in my ear.

13:17 Dr. Bruce I heard what you're telling. You got the listener on line one probably is-

13:22 Adam No, no. We'll get to that when we get to that.

13:24 Dr. Bruce She's going to die from fibromyalgia.

13:25 Adam Let's get to Laura first. Laura?

13:27 Caller Yeah.

13:29 Adam All right. So anyway, you're in a band. You answered NAD, right?

13:35 Caller Yeah, I answered NAD.

13:36 Adam You answered NAD. You're in a band.

13:38 Dr. Bruce It sounded like you said NAD.

13:39 Adam In a NAD.

13:41 Dr. Bruce No, answered NAD. That's what you said.

13:42 Adam You answered a NAD and you're in a band, right?

13:46 Dr. Bruce Laura, I'll help interpret.

13:47 Caller Well, I was. And then he and I got engaged in last December. And so it was like we knew each other for three months when we got engaged. And I moved in by January and just like things that like just totally down the toilet from there.

14:06 Adam And now. So you broke up with him.

14:08 Caller We broke up in March, but I decided not to move back home because I liked living out on my own. I liked having the freedom and I still loved him. And we had like one of those on and off again relationships. It was just really. Sucky. And finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take what he was doing to me anymore. So I moved home in October.

14:30 Adam What was he doing to you?

14:32 Caller Um, well, a lot of things like he would go days without talking to me. If he got mad at me, like, like four days, he would push me around and, you know, stuff like that physically push you around and melancholy.

14:49 Caller That's the way life is true, baby.

14:52 Adam That is. So now it's it's life imitating art. So you broke up and now what's he doing?

15:00 Caller Um, now I moved back home in October and now he he's been leaving notes in my car. He found like he knew what bank I worked at, but he didn't know which branch. So he drove around the entire area until until he found my car parked outside the branch that I worked at. And he's been leaving notes in my car and he's been calling my parents' house and what do the notes say? They don't make any sense at all. Like he said something about one of them.

15:35 Adam One of them looks like a Thomas guide.

15:38 Caller You know, like one of them is that could be.

15:40 Adam I could explain that. How would you?

15:42 Caller He drew a map of his parents' old neighborhood.

15:47 Adam Yeah.

15:47 Caller And he put like all of his friends that he grew up with and then he like, Brian, like cash. He made like little things to go up with the names of his friends, like little writing things.

16:01 Adam All right. All right. Hey, Laura. Yes. You're done with the guy?

16:07 Caller I don't want anything to do.

16:08 Adam All right. If you truly don't, do not respond to any of this.

16:12 Caller Right. I contacted the police last time. He left a note in my car at work.

16:19 Adam Yeah.

16:19 Caller But they said that there's nothing that they can do.

16:21 Adam You keep saying in your car.

16:24 Caller Yeah. He has a key to my car.

16:26 Adam I see.

16:27 Caller Before I moved out, I tried to get it back, but he thought that I took it and he got. Okay.

16:34 Adam All right. All right. So, Laura, this guy is a piece of work. But you give him nothing. Give him nothing. Don't return his calls. Don't answer any of his questions. And he will fade away and he'll find someone else to bother soon. All right? Okay. But you can do nothing. If he calls, do not talk to him.

16:54 Rowena's soul will die.

16:56 Adam Or Rowena's soul will die. Do you hear me? Yeah. Okay.

17:00 Dr. Bruce Have you?

17:00 Adam No. I'm done talking to her.

17:02 Dr. Bruce She needs to call the police again. She called.

17:04 Adam No. Leave the police alone.

17:05 Dr. Bruce You need to get a restraining.

17:06 Adam Leave her alone.

17:07 Dr. Bruce She needs a restraining order.

17:08 Adam I get a restraining order.

17:10 Dr. Bruce She needs help in pestering the police because they will give her a restraining order.

17:14 Adam All right. But Jesus Christ, everyone with the cops, let them do something important. Jessica?

17:19 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

17:20 Adam Hey, you're 23.

17:21 Caller Hey.

17:22 Adam Yeah. So fibromyalgia.

17:25 Caller Yeah. Whatever that is.

17:26 Adam Yeah. What is that, Bruce?

17:28 Dr. Bruce It's a connective tissue disorder. It's a term that's used for something that's not really well understood. Typically, people have trigger points. There are areas, many parts of the body, where you press and there's extreme pain. These people will describe vague weakness, joint pain. But characteristically, there are specific areas.

17:50 Adam It's nuts. I see.

17:51 Dr. Bruce It's been associated with people that are very anxious. No.

17:55 Adam Okay. Yeah.

17:56 Dr. Bruce So, is your mom anxious?

17:58 Oh, she's very, very nervous.

18:00 Dr. Bruce She goes to doctors a lot, probably.

18:02 Adam You give her about three weeks?

18:04 Caller I mean, does it have anything to do with her? She's got a lot of back pain.

18:07 Dr. Bruce I give the doctor about three weeks.

18:09 Adam Is she one of these people that hasn't worked in a while?

18:11 Caller Right. Years and years.

18:13 Adam Yeah. You know why?

18:14 Caller At the home, clean the house.

18:15 Adam She's crazy.

18:16 Dr. Bruce No.

18:17 Adam Oh, yes.

18:18 Why do you have to be mean to my mom?

18:20 Adam Because, listen, everybody who has, like, chronic back problems and can't work and didn't get in a motorcycle accident, just all the people who can't work are crazy.

18:30 Dr. Bruce Jessica, you know what? Justice will be done. Adam will come in here a year from now and say, God, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.

18:38 Adam No, admit it. It's like Epstein-Barr virus. It's one of these kind of made up things, isn't it?

18:43 Dr. Bruce No. And what's very interesting about connective tissue disorders, there are connections to certain anxiety disorders, for instance, mitral valve prolapse for many years that was described as people would have nonspecific chest pain and it turns out that the connective tissue disorder that goes along with this valve in the heart that is elongated and irregular, there are bona fide affective disorders.

19:08 Adam Why hasn't she been able to work for all these years? Jessica?

19:13 Caller She doesn't have a car. She doesn't drive. She's an old hill.

19:16 Adam She doesn't drive.

19:16 Caller From Kentucky in the hills.

19:18 Adam Okay. I'm going to rest my case now.

19:20 Caller Can I ask you a question?

19:22 Adam Yeah, but even, didn't she used to like run moonshine or something? I mean, doesn't she drive a truck?

19:28 Caller No.

19:29 Adam Okay.

19:30 Caller Just a little proper...

19:31 Adam All right. Are you moved out of there?

19:33 Caller Yeah, I live in Ohio.

19:35 Adam Good, good.

19:35 Caller That's a big improvement.

19:36 Adam Good. Don't ever go back. All right. We're going to let you go, Jessica.

19:40 Let me ask you a question.

19:41 Caller Can I ask you one question?

19:42 Adam Me or Bruce?

19:43 You.

19:44 Adam Go ahead.

19:45 Caller Dear Adam, who has been calling you baby so that you're calling everyone else in the world baby?

19:52 Adam That's a good question.

19:53 Dr. Bruce One of your black friends.

19:54 Adam Nobody. No one's been calling me baby.

19:57 Caller Where did you get the baby?

19:58 Adam I don't know.

19:59 Caller I heard you say baby about six times.

20:02 Dr. Bruce He's a big star now, you know.

20:04 Caller So that's your cool, cool way to be?

20:06 Adam Yeah, that's right. I'm going to shorten it to babe. All right, babe? All right.

20:11 Caller All right.

20:12 Adam Have fun over there in Ohio.

20:14 Dr. Bruce Thanks.

20:14 Adam Suck out of state, you know.

20:15 Dr. Bruce Yeah. You're big in the hill country there.

20:18 Adam All righty, babies. I'm Adam Carolla. It's Dr. Bruce over there. Man show on tonight, by the way, Comedy Central, 10 o'clock. The Fantabulous.

20:27 Dr. Bruce Shameless self-promotion.

20:28 Adam The Fantabulous Man Show. Dr. Bruce, you want to pile through some more calls? Or do you want to talk about you having a few high balls over at the Super Bowl at the Motocross? Yeah, you had a good time.

20:38 Dr. Bruce That was great.

20:39 Adam Let me tell you something. Let me pay Dr. Bruce a compliment for just one second. Dr. Bruce, you wouldn't know from looking at him or talking to him or even reading about him, but he's a regular guy. He is a guy who likes pond shops and junk yards. He likes shooting rats with a.22. He likes motorcycles, he likes stuff with an engine and a sprocket on it. He likes guitars. He likes cars. He likes things. Dr. Drew does not like things unless you count his kids, his wife, or a stethoscope as things. Drew has no interest in anything except for scantron sheets and books about feminism. So, when we talk, I want to talk to him about cars and motorcycles and equipment and junk in building. And he just looks at me, rolls his eyes and gets back to a scantron test. But Bruce, aka Dr. Spaz, he likes junk. And that's why I was happy to see him last night at the Motocross race in Anaheim.

21:43 Dr. Bruce It turns out I knew one of your old buddies 10 years ago.

21:46 Adam You did?

21:47 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

21:48 Adam Who did you know?

21:49 Dr. Bruce Thrift Store.

21:50 Adam You knew the Wheeze?

21:51 Dr. Bruce The Wheeze. I did a public access show 10 years ago.

21:54 Adam Oh yeah, he was telling me about that.

21:57 Dr. Bruce Yeah, so he's a good guy.

21:58 Adam Yeah, oh yeah.

21:59 Dr. Bruce Turns out to be he's got the goods on you also.

22:01 Adam You have plenty to talk about.

22:03 Dr. Bruce Slowly disclosing your lack of sex life.

22:05 Adam How dare you. Alright, let's go to... Who are we talking to here, Bruce?

22:14 Dr. Bruce Alright, let's get that woman out of here.

22:16 Adam We got to, we should take a break. Alright, put the man show on in there, Ann, would you please? Just tell me when we get to a commercial. I don't know which one it is tonight. Jessica?

22:26 Caller Hello?

22:27 Adam You're fourteen.

22:28 Caller Hi, oh my god, I love you so much. Hi baby.

22:31 Adam Hey baby, what's happening, baby?

22:33 Caller Okay.

22:33 Adam Loving your baby.

22:35 Caller Okay, well, like, I love you a lot.

22:39 Adam Yeah, I'm loving you, baby.

22:43 Dr. Bruce That's the most serious problem we've dealt with tonight.

22:45 Caller You're like dead sexy.

22:47 Adam Yeah, what's up, baby?

22:49 Caller Okay, well, my problem is that you're not with me.

22:52 Adam Yeah, baby. Listen.

22:54 Caller I called earlier and I have you all over my notebook.

22:57 Adam Wait, is this someone? Wait a minute. You're the same one who called and said I was over your notebook last week?

23:04 Caller Yeah, and I made a second one and well, my friend Natalie, well, we're gonna see you and we need your address.

23:10 Adam Yeah, okay. You want my home address?

23:12 Caller No, no.

23:13 Caller We can have both.

23:15 Caller I see.

23:16 Adam When are you guys coming out here?

23:17 Caller Well, I live here. I live in Santa Monica, but she's coming down and staying with me.

23:22 Adam When is it?

23:22 Caller We're making a movie for you.

23:24 Dr. Bruce Adam, she's 14.

23:25 Adam All right. Well, 14 year old is allowed to make movies. What about Macaulay Culkin? Yeah. He did all those movies.

23:31 Caller Adam is always right. You should listen to him.

23:33 Adam Yeah. What kind of movie is it?

23:35 Caller He's the sexiest man in the world.

23:37 Dr. Bruce It must be a small planet.

23:39 Adam It's a small world. What kind of movie? You're talking about Disneyland? What kind of movie are you going to make for me?

23:45 Caller Well, now you can explain. I don't know. It's really weird. But then we're going to have us jumping on my trampoline.

23:53 Adam Oh, OK. Well, that's fine.

23:54 Caller At the end.

23:55 Adam That's fine.

23:56 Dr. Bruce Oh, and keep your training bras on, girls.

23:58 Caller In the man show, you had this really sexy suit on. It's a leather suit. Yeah. And we think you should be jumping on a trampoline wearing that at the end, not those girls.

24:08 Adam What leather suit was I wearing?

24:10 Caller I don't know.

24:11 Dr. Bruce Oh, that's the one without the butt in it, right?

24:13 Caller Yeah.

24:14 I thought it was really sexy.

24:16 Adam I don't remember that one. But all right, babies.

24:18 Caller Wait, can we talk to you on hold?

24:20 Adam No. OK, listen, you guys are 14. It's not like you're 15. You understand? We got to give it another eight months or something. Oh, look at it this way.

24:32 Caller You said that you'd make an exception for me, though.

24:35 Adam I know, but here's what I want to say, Jessica. Look at our love as a flower that hasn't bloomed yet. You know what I'm saying?

24:45 Caller But I'm coming down in February and I really want to see you.

24:48 Adam Well, OK, you can see me.

24:50 Caller Thank you.

24:51 Dr. Bruce How old is your father, Jessica?

24:52 Adam Please, let's not ruin it with talk of parents. You can come down here and pay us a visit.

24:58 Caller OK, but I need to wait. Where are you in Culver City?

25:01 Adam Hold on. What kind of beer do you guys drink?

25:03 Caller I'm Red Bull.

25:06 Adam That's not beer. How about Mickey's Big Mouth? We'll go to the park after the show. Corona. Cool.

25:11 Caller Unacceptable.

25:11 Adam All right. And I'll give you guys the address.

25:14 Caller Who?

25:15 Adam That's a producer and mother. She's the other woman.

25:17 Dr. Bruce Mother's in a chaperone.

25:18 Caller You got to wait. How would you have to be to be get to get to the man show?

25:23 Adam She has a good question. They do serve beer, so I think it's twenty one. Okay, listen, ladies, hold on now. Slow down, slow down, because I'm feeling a lot of pressure in this relationship all of a sudden.

25:34 Dr. Bruce I thought you were feeling me right back. Yeah.

25:36 Adam All right.

25:37 Dr. Bruce Okay.

25:37 Adam All right. Dr. Bruce is here filming for Dr. Drew.

25:40 Dr. Bruce Feeling nauseous.

25:41 Adam Just for another couple of nights, right? And Drew will be back, God willing, and we'll be back after this.

25:49 Love Line with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

25:57 Adam Yeah. Love Line with Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Spaz over there. You know, it's Dr. Bruce filming for Dr. Drew. Just a couple more days. He's in here. He has his coffee. There's 14 sugars in it. He's ready to party. Now, Dr. Bruce brought in this special elixir he makes up or as a pharmacist friend make up for him. He does a tattoo removal via a laser. And he usually takes what? Between five and 10 treatments to get rid of a tattoo. And it's a little painful. It's a little bit of a burning sensation.

26:31 Dr. Bruce Exactly.

26:32 Adam So it's best to numb the area before you hit it with the laser and you can do it with a topical cream. Now, you have this 10% Lidocaine made up for you because usually the stuff you buy only has 4%. Right. And you can't even buy that over the counter, can you?

26:48 Dr. Bruce Actually, there is a type you can't. You know, the pharmacies never seem to stock it.

26:54 Adam Oh, boy. So is there an answer to this question I just asked you?

26:57 Dr. Bruce There's a 4% cream you can buy over the counter.

26:59 Adam Yes, there is. What's that called? They never have it.

27:02 Dr. Bruce Yeah, LMAX.

27:03 Adam Now, this is actually made up, special for you and for this, and I'm going to try a little on myself. Would that be all right?

27:10 Dr. Bruce Be my guest.

27:11 Adam The thing that makes me nervous about this is the big letters that say beef flavor on it.

27:16 Dr. Bruce Yeah, it made me nervous too.

27:18 Adam That seems a little distracting.

27:20 Dr. Bruce The cheap pharmacists didn't want to waste any labels.

27:24 Adam So we used the beef flavor lidocaine.

27:27 Dr. Bruce No one's tasted it yet, but that wouldn't preclude you from tasting it. Put some on your tongue, see what happens. Why does this say beef flavor on it? I have no idea.

27:36 Adam What could it be used for? I mean, would it be if you were doing oral surgery on an animal and you wanted to numb the gum or the tongue or something, or you wanted the animal to consume it somehow?

27:50 Dr. Bruce A cow beef flavor probably wouldn't go over all.

27:52 Adam Well, I mean, a cat or a dog?

27:54 Dr. Bruce Whatever.

27:55 Adam What is this for?

27:57 Dr. Bruce That is...

27:58 Adam Why does it say beef flavor?

28:00 Dr. Bruce I have no idea.

28:01 Adam Okay. And you can think of no scenario on which it would be useful.

28:04 Dr. Bruce I paid this guy 400 bucks for about five tubes.

28:07 Adam Where should I put it? Put it on my ankle?

28:10 Dr. Bruce Absolutely. Just anywhere because...

28:12 Adam Yeah. And how will I know what's numb? Can we put a cigarette out on my ankle later on?

28:16 Dr. Bruce Yeah. The problem with this kind of thing, it takes a long time. Any of these creams, you wait for an hour.

28:23 Adam All right. I'll put it on now.

28:25 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

28:25 Adam What if I put it on my scrotum?

28:28 Dr. Bruce As long as you do it in private, that's fine.

28:30 Adam All right. Well, it'll absorb. Is that enough that I'm putting on there? Put a little dab on there?

28:35 Dr. Bruce Yeah. Rub it in well.

28:36 Adam Rub it in? And I should feel numbness? Could I perform some surgery on myself?

28:43 Dr. Bruce Other than the knowledge deficit, you probably could do it.

28:45 Adam Seriously, if I put a little of this on my penis, do you think I could last longer in the bedroom?

28:51 Dr. Bruce There are products that have a much lesser percentage of topical anesthetic that are sold under names like Maintain and...

28:58 Adam I love that Maintain.

29:00 Dr. Bruce And yeah, theoretically...

29:01 Adam Yeah. All right.

29:03 Dr. Bruce They work, but...

29:04 Adam Yeah. All right. So I could try a little of that out later on?

29:07 Dr. Bruce You know, what you do with this tube after you leave tonight, I don't want to know.

29:11 Adam Because when I masturbate, sometimes I go too quickly.

29:14 Dr. Bruce I'm sure you're going to have just an adolescent experimental thing going on tonight.

29:18 Adam I'm going to be driving home and give myself a freeze by putting it on my gum. And then when I get home, I'm going to see if I can smoke some of it out of a bog. And the rest is going on my penis.

29:27 Dr. Bruce And your buddy's going to have a painful procedure.

29:29 Adam Yeah. I'll give him a cube of ice and go away. Yeah. As Bruce told me to numb it up with some ice. All right. So I just put some on my ankle. We'll see how it goes. And theoretically, the end of my finger should get numb too, right?

29:41 Dr. Bruce Yeah. It's like anything you touch with that for the next.

29:43 Adam That might help with the masturbation. Angela?

29:47 Yeah.

29:47 Adam You're 16?

29:48 Caller Yes, I am.

29:49 Adam What's up?

29:50 Caller Well, for about a week now, when I pee, like afterwards, it like really, really hurts. And like, I just now noticed today that like on the like toilet paper, it looked kind of like a faint color of blood, but I'm not on my period or anything. And like, like all the time, I feel like I have to go to the bathroom, but I don't. And I want to know what's the, what is up?

30:12 Dr. Bruce You have a textbook urinary tract infection.

30:15 Adam That's what that is.

30:16 Dr. Bruce It sounds like, of course, diagnosis over the radio waves is...

30:20 Adam What could she try before going to a doctor? Could she go get some over-the-counter or something? No.

30:26 Dr. Bruce Go get checked out.

30:28 Caller I'm like, how did I get this? Does it just like happen normally?

30:31 Dr. Bruce Right. Very common. Women get urinary tract infections some several times a year.

30:36 Adam During violence, sex, and things like that.

30:39 Dr. Bruce Well, there's honeymoon cystitis and wiping the wrong way you can get bacteria.

30:44 Adam That's right. You always wipe north. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Bruce, is there... If you were to send her into a pharmacy, what would you tell her to pick up without a prescription?

30:59 Caller Maybe some of that numbing stuff so it doesn't hurt?

31:01 Dr. Bruce Yeah, I'll give you some. No, there's paridium, which is a numbing medication. You take it by mouth and...

31:09 Adam Really?

31:09 Dr. Bruce Yeah, and then you're not supposed to take it for more than a couple of days.

31:12 Adam But how do you get rid of this urinary tract infection?

31:15 Dr. Bruce Well, you take it antibiotic.

31:16 Adam So you got to get something prescribed.

31:17 Dr. Bruce You go in, they'll get a urine sample and...

31:21 Adam How about drinking the cranberry juice for a few days?

31:23 Dr. Bruce No.

31:24 Adam Why not?

31:25 Dr. Bruce First of all, most cranberry juice...

31:26 Adam But let me tell you... All right, hold on a second. Most people... I have to explain this to you and Drew all the time. A. Don't have a doctor. And B. Going to a doctor in one of these HMOs or something like that is a hassle. It takes a lot of time. They kill a day, basically.

31:42 Dr. Bruce They go to the ER.

31:43 Adam And they wait in line.

31:44 Dr. Bruce Go to an emergency room.

31:45 Adam Why go to an emergency room?

31:47 Dr. Bruce Urgent care.

31:48 Adam Here's what I'm saying. Are there a couple things she can try before she then goes in a couple days from now? What would you do if you were somewhere and you couldn't see a doctor for a couple of days?

32:00 Dr. Bruce Sure, you can acidify the urine using vitamin C, cranberry. The thing with cranberry juice is that most of the cranberry juice is not really juice. It's about 10% cranberry juice. So go get some that's pure cranberry juice.

32:15 Adam Let me explain.

32:16 Dr. Bruce Increase your fluid intake.

32:17 Adam Let me explain something. Okay, I'm going to give the same speech to Drew. Because here's how I see your role here. Well, not your role per se, but the doctor's role. Because you're gone, you're out of here in a couple of days. We'll never see you again. But here's the way I look at your role. It's like if I was doing a home improvement show and people kept calling up and wanting to know how to swing a door, how to put in a doggy door, how to plane something, how to stop a table from rocking. And I just kept saying, call a carpenter, call a carpenter, have a carpenter come over. That's not really what they want to hear. They know that. Do you know what I'm saying? What I'd like to do is try to get them the information so that maybe they could fix it themselves without having to call a carpenter. And if that didn't work, then you call a carpenter.

33:06 Dr. Bruce But if I tell her to do so and so, and she has an ectopic pregnancy, she has something else, if she went to a doctor, more questions will be asked. She may have something else. So for me to even give a suggestion of drink more water, more cranberry juice, then what if it, God forbid, is something else?

33:23 Adam Well, give her something to try for a day and a half, or two days, and then let her go.

33:28 Dr. Bruce Not a good idea. I don't have enough information. So she really should get it checked out. And I mean, God, in our country today, the accessibility to medical care, people complain if they have to wait a short period of time.

33:38 Adam Short period. Have you ever been to County USC? Yeah, I have. Yes, I have.

33:45 Dr. Bruce 8 hours.

33:46 Adam Oh, I sat there for 8 hours. No, this is back in my, you know, before I was a millionaire. Literally, a millionaire. I sat there for 8 hours, you know, sandwiching between Hobo Kelly and Hobo Bob. I mean, it was horrible. People throwing up, people with, like, syringes. You know, guys in there with, like, a, you know, a spatula stuck in their back. You know, just sitting there crying for 8 hours next to me. By the time I got my x-ray, I was praying a bone was broken. I was like, I sat here for goddamn 8 hours. A bone sure as hell better be broken. I was really disappointed when it wasn't broken.

34:22 Dr. Bruce When you leave with just an instruction sheet.

34:24 Adam Aaron?

34:25 Caller Hey.

34:26 Adam You're 16. What's up?

34:27 Caller Well, first of all, I gotta say you guys kick ass, man.

34:30 Adam Well, thanks.

34:31 Caller I know. I just thought if it was okay for me to have sex with my 15-year-old cousin.

34:37 Caller Sure.

34:39 Adam Yeah.

34:40 Dr. Bruce What state are we in?

34:41 Adam This is a little taboo too for you here. Except for in taboo too, he had sex with his mom and his sister, so it wasn't quite as bad as his cousin. This is a distant cousin?

34:53 Caller Well, yeah. She's adopted. My cousin adopted her 10 years ago.

34:58 Adam I know a lot of families that adopt kids just so the rest of the family can have sex with them. So it's sort of a surrogate vagina.

35:06 Dr. Bruce Is this somebody that you interact with on the family basis regularly?

35:11 Caller Well, yeah.

35:12 Caller She lives in New Mexico, so she comes up to family unions and stuff, but it's probably coming up in my brother's wedding.

35:18 Adam How old was she when she was adopted? Do you know?

35:22 Caller Probably like, I don't know, five or six.

35:25 Adam Five or six? Yeah. Don't have sex with her.

35:28 Caller Really?

35:29 Adam She's a mess.

35:30 Dr. Bruce How old is she?

35:30 Adam Hold on, quiet down. She's 15. She's a mess. Anyone who's... See, when you're adopted at birth, that's one thing. When you're adopted at five or six, it means you had five or six years with your junkie mom and your alcoholic dad before the court yanked you out of there and dumped you off somewhere else and you are damaged. Okay? And you're going to screw her life up and make it more confusing and she's going to fall in love and you're going to get her pregnant and the kid's going to come out and be a killer. He's going to kill the president. Do you hear me? Yeah. Seriously, Aaron, I know to you, she's a beautiful, young, virile 15 year old, but the reality is she's been to hell and back already. I guarantee it. Bruce, please, anyone back me up here. Anyone's adopted at five or six.

36:18 Dr. Bruce Surely she has issues. And there's almost surely abusive situation, if not physical, sexual abuse. It's very common.

36:26 Adam Listen, it's like a dog that is beaten constantly and then gets a new home.

36:31 Dr. Bruce Yeah, and it's never right. Adam's out for some errands, out for some sport here. I'm just curious as to whether you know she slept around.

36:38 Adam Don't have sex with her. Leave her alone.

36:40 Dr. Bruce Absolutely not.

36:40 Adam That's it. Always say, I mean, it's like my dad used to tell me, never ever have sex with anyone inside of the family, unless it's an emergency. You know, like we're camping.

36:57 Dr. Bruce Sage advice.

36:59 Adam And we're going to be away from society for a couple of days or the car breaks down or something like that. You know, an extreme circumstance. My dad. No sex with anyone within the family.

37:14 Dr. Bruce Unless.

37:15 Adam Unless it's an emergency.

37:16 Dr. Bruce You know, I've met your dad. Your dad did not.

37:18 Adam Yeah, he told me that. He told me that when I was 14. And I, you know, for the most part, I've, you know, that's for the most part, that's the way I've conducted myself.

37:28 Dr. Bruce It's great seeing the way your dad looks at you. It's sort of like, oh my, what happened to my son?

37:33 Adam Oh, he did have an addendum today. Never ever have sex with anyone in the immediate family unless there's an emergency type situation or you're loaded. Those are the two things he told me. And I've always, almost basically listened to him growing up too, for the most part. All right, we gotta take a break. Let's say hi to Jessica right before we leave. Jessica?

37:56 Caller Yeah.

37:57 Adam You're 15?

37:57 Caller Yeah.

37:58 Adam Your teacher's hitting on you in school?

38:00 Caller Yeah.

38:01 Adam You go to a public school?

38:02 Caller Yeah.

38:03 Adam OK. What classes do you teach?

38:05 Caller Agriculture.

38:06 Dr. Bruce Oh, boy.

38:07 Adam You're off to a great start, baby.

38:09 Dr. Bruce Animal husbandry.

38:09 Adam You're in agriculture. That's bad times. All right, hold on. OK. All right. Yeah, we've got agriculture. Let me tell you something. I'm going to give everyone a little speech on what we should be teaching in high school beside ceramics, sowing, agriculture, cooking, all that nonsense.

38:25 Dr. Bruce Were you anticipating it was a shop?

38:26 Adam I'm going to make I'm going to, Bruce, I'm going to write down a little list of what it is I didn't learn and should have learned in high school.

38:33 Dr. Bruce That's it'll be a long list.

38:35 Adam Yeah, that's right. We'll be back.

38:40 We'll be right back. Call on the 1-800-LOVE-191.

38:43 Adam Yep. Love Live. I'm Adam Carolla. That is Dr. Spanz. You know him as Dr. Drew filling in. Pardon me, Dr. Bruce filling in for Dr. Drew, who'll be back Wednesday night, I hear. Not a moment too soon.

38:58 Caller All right.

38:58 Adam Now, when we left off as being the Jessica, Jessica's 15, her teacher in agriculture class is hitting on her. Jessica.

39:07 Caller Give me a hug.

39:12 Caller Yeah.

39:13 Adam What are you doing taking agriculture?

39:15 Caller I don't know. They just put me in it. It's agricultural science.

39:18 Adam That's that's a bad, bad sign. Yeah. Let me don't let the science part fool you. Here's the science of agriculture. We're going to cut this pig's balls off. Yeah. All right. Gather around. Is that that basically how it goes?

39:37 Caller Yeah.

39:38 Adam Yeah. What are you a bad student?

39:40 Caller No.

39:41 Adam Well, how did you end up in that class?

39:45 Caller It was I have all college prep and that's the only non-college prep that I got and no kiddin.

39:51 Adam That's that's junior college prep right there.

39:54 Caller All right.

39:55 Adam You need to get yourself out of that class. And what's the teacher doing to you?

39:59 Caller He was like my favorite teacher. And then he he just made this comment. He was like he made this really like like he goes. Oh, God, that shirt looks good on you. And then he touched my neck and I was like, I didn't know what to do. So I just don't go. Well, I didn't go to class for the last two days before Christmas break.

40:19 Adam Well, were there other students around or were you alone with him?

40:22 Caller No, they were we were outside in the farm and he and he's like, can I talk to you in class? So I went.

40:28 Adam So you went inside?

40:29 Caller Yeah.

40:31 Adam How much farm does your school have?

40:33 Caller Which farm?

40:34 Adam No, I mean, how much? You got some land?

40:36 Caller Yeah, we have a farm and a greenhouse.

40:38 Adam Wow.

40:39 Dr. Bruce So you're afraid you're afraid to go back to class or?

40:42 Caller I just feel I mean, it's weird because I don't even look at him anymore. He was my favorite teacher.

40:47 Adam Is that the only thing he did?

40:48 Caller I mean, I mean, he just touched my neck and yeah, I'm like, the shirt looks so good on you and you should start wearing more things like that.

40:58 Adam And it's right. OK, how about this? How about you go back to class? You avoid situations where you're going to be alone with him, because he right now you don't really have much to go off of. You see, there's no use reporting this or anything like that. He'll just deny it. And he didn't do anything really that's going to hold up anywhere. So go back to class. Don't freak out too much. Don't be in a position where you're going to be alone with him. Like he says, like, hey, it's it's goat milk in time. Come on, Jessica. Just me and you, baby. You can hold one teat. I'll grab the other. Don't go with it. All right. And if he does do anything else, tell him you're going to report him. But don't freak out. Just don't get in a situation where you're alone with him. Just you're in class when the bell rings. You sit down with everyone. And when the bell rings again, you leave with everyone. OK. All right. I don't freak out and get the hell out of that crappy horticulture or agriculture class. Oh, I made a little list of some of the classes I had over the years. Thanks to the wonderful LA Unified School District over at North Hollywood High. And again, Walter Reed Jr. High, higher establishments of learning, no doubt. I took a cooking class. This is where I learned how to make what's called a Pillsbury Parmesan Popover.

42:30 Dr. Bruce You took a cooking class?

42:31 Adam Yeah. These were sort of... I can't remember what they call them, but you had to take them. And in this cooking class, all we did was take these Pillsbury, you know, pre-made muffins, pull them out of the container, put them on a cookie sheet, sprinkle Parmesan cheese on them, and then put them in the oven and just sit there and watch them for 20 minutes. And when they came out, we ate them. So I learned how to make good greasy carbohydrate food in that class. I learned nothing in that class. I learned actually a flame was hot and that water was cool. Apparently, water is used to clean dishes, whereas the flame is used to cook the food.

43:17 Dr. Bruce It sounds like people didn't appreciate your genius at that time.

43:19 Adam Oh!

43:20 Dr. Bruce They... Oh!

43:21 Adam This was what grade it was? This was seventh grade. I had agriculture and horticulture. I basically just sat around and watched turnips. And then I had a sewing class where every goddamn project I had went from the grading table into the trash can. It's like, hey, Ms. Sante, what do I get on this knapsack? You got a D. All right, thanks. Where's the trash can? Over there? There you go. Oh, hey, one of my old projects is still in the trash can. Oh, great. Right? Right from the grade, I'd get it graded, then drop it in the garbage and leave. Sewing. Why don't they just cut my nuts off and let the principal play with them, like hacky sack, for Christ's sake. Sewing, plastics, ceramics, all worthless. Worthless. Complete waste of my time in the taxpayer's dollar.

44:11 Dr. Bruce I didn't think you started continuation school until you were in 10th grade.

44:13 Adam This is warehousing. Do you hear me? This is warehousing.

44:17 Dr. Bruce Well, it probably was.

44:18 Adam You're not teaching anything to anybody. You're just keeping them occupied. They're not out on the streets. I don't...

44:23 Dr. Bruce Wait, they didn't do this to everybody.

44:25 Adam Yeah, they did. Everyone who went to Walter Reed, Junior High, North Howard High, I mean, all the dumbos like me, we all had these warehousing classes, unless you're in some sort of gifted program or something. But even then, you probably had to take a few of these classes.

44:39 Dr. Bruce You probably established yourself by that time.

44:41 Adam Meanwhile, I graduated high school. I couldn't fill out a job application. I'd write my name in the wrong line, you know, where the address was supposed to be, because I'd write it over my name instead of under my name or wherever the hell it said name. Screw that up. I'd always write my, anytime I'd ever said last name first, I'd always put my first name there. I mean, they should really have a class that just works on applications. Here's a renter's agreement, read this. Let's understand what this means. Let's talk about first and last. Here's a rental agreement. Here's a job application. Here's an application for a credit card. Let's sit down and work on that. Anderson, you're raising your hand. You have a question, you have to go to the bathroom.

45:24 Caller We've got to go to a break, but they do.

45:26 Adam They have a class called Career Development that does all that. They do. They do now. But when I was in junior high and in high school, there was nothing. Hey, they should have it. They should have. I'd like to teach a class called The Basics. Here's how you check the air pressure in your car. Here's how you put oil in it. Here's how you put coolant in it. Here's how you get it. Ladies, oral sex is how you get out of a speeding ticket. Practical information that we could all use. Some convict tries to put a shiv in your back while you're out on the rec yard. Here's how you handle it. All right, we're going to take ourselves a break. We'll be back after this.

46:05 Loveline, we'll be right back. Call on the 1-800-LOVE-191.

46:14 Adam Hey, Loveline, I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Bruce sitting in tonight for Dr. Drew. Well, it's been a half hour since I rubbed this numbing compound on my ankle and so far doesn't feel numb. Bruce told me during the commercial, yeah, it doesn't really work.

46:30 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

46:31 Adam Although it does have a delicious beef flavor to it.

46:35 Dr. Bruce And I paid 400 bucks for it.

46:36 Adam I still haven't gotten to the bottom of why this cream you gave me that numbs parts this topical cortisone cream or lidocaine cream. Why it says beef flavor? I understand that the pharmacist was trying to save some money and reuse a label but and Bruce listen because he you're hard guy to communicate with sometimes.

46:58 Dr. Bruce That's why I'm here.

46:59 Adam Does it say beef flavor because this lidocaine is beef flavored?

47:05 Dr. Bruce I have no idea to tell you the truth. I ordered the stuff. I told him what I wanted.

47:09 Adam Is he just laughing with you with the beef flavor?

47:12 Dr. Bruce I have no idea.

47:14 Adam Will you taste it for me?

47:16 Dr. Bruce I will not.

47:18 Adam Would you think that something that was beef flavored was for an animal?

47:21 Dr. Bruce No I.

47:22 Adam Would you think that?

47:24 Dr. Bruce For an animal or made from an animal?

47:26 Adam For an animal? Do you think people need medicine that's beef flavored?

47:31 Dr. Bruce This is a topical medicine. It was done in such a way that he types out these little labels. He does lots of these kind of preparations.

47:42 Adam I see.

47:43 Dr. Bruce And if this was something that people were going to take orally then...

47:47 Adam I'm just asking hypothetically from a sort of human interest standpoint. If something said beef flavor, wouldn't you assume it was a medicine for an animal?

47:56 Dr. Bruce If it said beef flavor and it's made up specifically for your skin, then I'd say that it's totally superfluous to what's in that tube.

48:04 Adam I see. But in general, if a medication said beef flavor on it, would you assume it was for an animal?

48:12 Dr. Bruce I would not.

48:13 Adam Alright, shut up. You idiot. Why wouldn't you? Of course you would. Please. If it was for people, it'd be that yummy pina colada flavor they use, that pina colada flavored pumice they use to clean your teeth at the dentist. It's delicious.

48:31 Dr. Bruce We got to get you on a different subject.

48:33 Adam Austin.

48:35 Hey, Adam.

48:36 Adam Yeah, you're 14.

48:37 Caller Yeah, you frigging rule, man.

48:39 Adam Oh, thanks, baby.

48:40 Caller You are the coolest man in the world.

48:43 Adam Why, thank you.

48:43 Caller And people say that you're so funny and stuff, but really, you're the smartest guy on the show. No offense, Bruce.

48:50 Adam Well.

48:50 Caller Or Drew, or Drew, wherever you are.

48:54 Adam Yeah.

48:54 Caller You are the smartest guy. You put everything into a form where everybody knows what you're talking about.

49:01 Dr. Bruce Every 14-year-old out there understands exactly what you're saying.

49:03 Caller I know.

49:04 Caller Like, Bruce, you're talking about, like, Adam, you just talk it so good.

49:11 Adam Thanks, Austin.

49:11 Dr. Bruce Whatever.

49:12 Caller He figures it out.

49:13 Adam Thanks, baby. I know. Bruce, you asked Drew what time it is. He has to look through a reference book to try to give you an answer.

49:19 Dr. Bruce But he'll give you the right time. If I ask you what time it is.

49:21 Adam How dare you. Go ahead, Austin. What's your question?

49:24 Caller All right. My question is, Bruce, do you know what the new drug is, like Triple C?

49:31 Dr. Bruce It's an FDA-approved drug we're talking about?

49:34 Caller I don't know. It's kind of like a cold cough medicine.

49:41 Adam Where do you get it?

49:42 Caller Well, like, my friends got it from, like, Juul and stuff. And they like, and like, you like take like eight of them and it makes you feel like all dizzy and stuff.

49:51 Adam Oh, yeah. You're talking about the cough medicine. What is the stuff that's in the cough medicine?

49:56 Caller I don't know what it is, but it just, it makes you feel like, kind of like dizzy.

50:00 Adam Right.

50:00 Dr. Bruce Well, okay.

50:01 Adam Bruce knows. What is that stuff?

50:02 Dr. Bruce Well, there's dextromethorphan.

50:04 Adam That's the stuff that gives everyone the buzz, right?

50:07 Dr. Bruce Well, buzz, I don't know. It's actually very toxic.

50:10 Adam Yeah, but you drink a whole carton, I mean, a whole bottle of that and you get kind of a euphoric feeling, right?

50:18 Dr. Bruce It's an interesting substance. Dextromethorphan actually has activity in opiate receptors. It's illegal in, I think, certain Scandinavian countries. I'm not sure if Canada it is or it isn't, but the problem with some of these over-the-counter abuse issues, it's just like taking dramamine or some of the...

50:36 Adam Well, what's dramamine do for you?

50:39 Dr. Bruce It's like taking gymson weed or...

50:41 Adam Yeah? What's that do for you?

50:43 Dr. Bruce People take it to hallucinate. I mean...

50:45 Adam A dramamine, really?

50:46 Dr. Bruce Their phases and...

50:47 Adam Hey, I'm looking for good over-the-counter buzz. What should I take?

50:51 Dr. Bruce The over-the-counter buzz is one of the best ways to get yourself dead. So, all you Adam Corolla brain scientist fans out there, well... Take heed. It's not a... There's not a good way to get loaded, but the worst way is to take over-the-counter...

51:05 Adam Wait a minute. There's no good way to get loaded?

51:08 Dr. Bruce There's no healthy way. It's dangerous. I mean, altering your mood, especially when you're a teenager.

51:13 Adam Oh, yeah. Very unpredictable. Not when you're a teenager. No, no. But what about for me? I'm an adult. Now, what about like sleeping pills over-the-counter? What would be my best bet? And how many?

51:24 Dr. Bruce They almost all have like Benadryl in them, something like that. Yeah.

51:27 Adam What do you think? Three for me?

51:30 Dr. Bruce You'll just fall... You're just gonna...

51:32 Adam That's what I want.

51:33 Dr. Bruce Have a dry mouth. You're gonna fall asleep.

51:36 Adam Yeah, yeah. Fall asleep, right.

51:37 Dr. Bruce You don't have... It affects your REM sleep. It does not give you normal sleep. You have the hangover effect. The next day, you stay tired all day. What, you have to take three? How many does it tell you to take?

51:48 Adam Well, it tells you to take two. Should I take three?

51:51 Dr. Bruce If it tells you to take two, take two.

51:52 Adam Take three? And then what about booze with that?

51:55 Dr. Bruce Little booze? No.

51:56 Adam No booze?

51:57 Dr. Bruce No.

51:58 Adam Why not?

51:58 Dr. Bruce Because anytime you take alcohol with any other sedative, it amplifies the effect. Right, right, right. You run the risk of not waking up.

52:06 Adam Oh, not me.

52:07 Dr. Bruce No, I'm probably yours.

52:09 Adam Dayquil in a six pack? Dayquil, not Nyquil. Dayquil in a six pack? What kind of buzz that gets you?

52:16 Caller You don't fall asleep, but it makes you pretty good night.

52:19 Adam Okay, but I like that kind of down or pass out kind of thing. Well, isn't that just a masturbation and bottle of wine for you? Yeah, but sometimes I like to supplement my bottle of wine with something other than semen. And then Nyquil and get the purple smile. Nyquil. Okay.

52:33 Dr. Bruce Okay.

52:33 Adam Thanks, Anderson.

52:35 Dr. Bruce For instance, when people take the Jimson Weed or some of these over-the-counter, the motion sickness drugs to get the effect that the kids want, they're running the risk of having a blood pressure that's going to kill them, of having very serious...

52:52 Adam All right, let me yell at these kids for a second.

52:54 Dr. Bruce Let out the kids.

52:55 Adam Listen, it's not going to kill you.

52:56 Dr. Bruce You can communicate to them.

52:57 Adam Just quiet down over there, Bruce. This stuff's not going to kill you, but this is a very, it's a very dangerous precedent to set for yourself at such a young age, getting effed up. Now, I believe that humans have a natural tendency to want to get effed up.

53:16 Dr. Bruce Right.

53:17 Adam And whether that means sex or skydiving or going to a concert, or there's an innate sort of thing that's built into people of wanting to change their affect or change their mood or change their feeling somehow, to somehow change themselves. And some people do it through booze, and like I said, some people do it through sex or skydiving or what have you. And some things are more healthier than others. But I think everyone has that.

53:45 Dr. Bruce But not in teenagers. When you're a teenager, you're pushing the limits. You just want to see what you can get away with.

53:50 Adam Yeah, you do. And you should not be looking for ways, like all that huffing copy or toner and all that stuff. Don't be killing your brain cells at 14. Believe me, your brain is still growing. When you get a little bit older and your brain is done, and the cement in your head is dry, then you can think about effing yourself up.

54:09 Dr. Bruce And it takes a lot less of this stuff. Let me just say this. With dextromethorphan, with ephedrine, a lot of the cold preparations, with the anti-motion sickness pills, there have been deaths. There have been cases. When I was in the ER about ten years ago, there were about five or seven kids that ate each box of these motion sickness pills. And there were deaths.

54:31 Adam Really?

54:31 Dr. Bruce Dextromethorphan, there have been deaths.

54:32 Adam They had a whole box of Dramamine?

54:35 Dr. Bruce Yeah, some of that or some of the rest.

54:37 Adam All right. Austin? Yeah. All right. So there you go, buddy.

54:40 Caller Yeah, well...

54:41 Adam Yeah, good times, right?

54:42 Caller Well, my friend, he took like 60 of these pills.

54:45 Caller In like 12 hours.

54:47 Dr. Bruce What happened?

54:48 Caller Well, he was just like...

54:49 Dr. Bruce He probably barfed up most of them.

54:51 Caller He like... He was just effed up. He like couldn't... He like doesn't remember anything from it. And like they say that he's like got like...

55:00 Dr. Bruce Brain damage.

55:00 Caller Yeah, like brain damage.

55:01 Adam All right. So don't be one of them.

55:03 Caller Yeah, well, I took like...

55:05 Adam Yeah.

55:06 Caller I took like once, like eight of them.

55:09 Adam All right. Come on.

55:10 Caller Did anything happen to me?

55:12 Adam Listen, can't you play air guitar?

55:15 Caller Yeah.

55:15 Adam Why do you got to do that?

55:18 Dr. Bruce I mean, go buy some Pokemon cards or something. Or you're wasting his money on the...

55:21 Adam He's trying to buy some Pokemon cards.

55:23 Dr. Bruce He's wasting his money on all this stuff.

55:26 Adam Just like this stuff. What happened to Boon's Farm? Listen, everybody, your brain is your computer. Don't f with it. You need it almost your whole life. You really do. You get older, you don't need it. But if you're a woman, you don't need as much. But if you're a young man, you're going to need that brain. You need that computer. Don't dump sand and beer in it.

55:46 Dr. Bruce What if you're a comedian?

55:47 Adam Comedian, you don't need it. Matt? Caller goes by the name of Matt, who's 15 years old.

55:54 Caller Yeah.

55:54 Adam What's up?

55:56 Caller Hey, after I work off sometimes, my nuts hurt.

56:01 Adam Yeah. You're worried that your parents will hear you?

56:04 Caller Yeah.

56:06 Adam Your nuts hurt?

56:07 Caller Yeah.

56:09 Caller Well, something's wrong with his testicles.

56:12 Adam How many times do you do it a day?

56:14 Caller Once, but for like the past, like, up until yesterday for like four days, I didn't do it to see them. Time to take a break, but...

56:20 Adam 15? This is, I, listen, I couldn't have abstained from masturbation at 15. For four days, if both hands were buried in cement, I would have done it with my knee.

56:35 Dr. Bruce But you're in such good shape, I bet you didn't have this pain.

56:37 Adam That's right. You were in training. What is, what is Matt's problem?

56:41 Dr. Bruce Well, there's muscular contract, intense muscular contraction. If there's a soreness afterwards, it's perfectly normal.

56:46 Adam It is?

56:47 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

56:48 Adam All right. So he shouldn't have himself checked out?

56:50 Dr. Bruce You know, I've got to tell everybody to have themselves checked out.

56:52 Adam Well, having, having pain in the testes.

56:54 Dr. Bruce Soreness, not.

56:56 Adam No, no problem. All right. Bruce, I...

56:59 Dr. Bruce Wait a second. I was trying to get him back to ask him a couple more questions. No.

57:03 Adam Jesus Christ. Matt? Answer some questions.

57:06 Dr. Bruce The doctor is in now. Matt? Are you having more pain on one side than the other? Is it right in your testicles? Is it, is it up further? Where do your testes, scrotum hooks on your body? You know?

57:18 Caller It's more like at the bottom.

57:19 Dr. Bruce Okay. And it's on both sides?

57:22 Caller No.

57:23 Dr. Bruce One side?

57:24 Caller Well, sometimes it sort of depends, because they like... Sometimes, like, afterwards, or after I take a shower, like, afterwards, they sort of, like, will retain one way to the other.

57:34 Dr. Bruce That's pretty normal.

57:35 Adam Yeah. Do they hurt, goofball?

57:37 Caller Yeah. All right.

57:38 Adam But not one side more than the other?

57:40 Caller No.

57:41 Adam No. All right. You glad? We'd spend an extra ten minutes on this show.

57:44 Dr. Bruce You know, testicular cancer has two peak periods, earlier in life, later in life. So, as a teenager, that's why you need to get examined, you need to get checked out for that. And... But pain that's a soreness, it's specifically after the kid masturbates, that's not...

58:00 Adam No problem.

58:01 Dr. Bruce Not that unusual.

58:02 Adam All right. Bob?

58:05 Caller Hey, how you guys doing?

58:06 Adam Good, what's up?

58:07 Caller All right, I've got myself into a little bit of a mess here. I have a kind of a girlfriend who has a fiancee, and we've all been messing around, not at the same time, and now we believe she's pregnant, and we need to know if there's an in utero pregnancy, or paternity test that we can get.

58:29 Adam All right, let me just sort this whole sordid mess out.

58:32 Caller Yeah, it's bad.

58:33 Adam She's your girlfriend.

58:35 Caller Kind of.

58:36 Adam Kind of. She has a fiancee. She had the fiancee first, and then she started seeing you?

58:41 Caller Yeah.

58:42 Adam And everyone knows about everyone?

58:46 Caller No, I'm secret.

58:47 Adam Oh, he still doesn't know about you.

58:50 Caller Right.

58:51 Adam Is she going to go through with the marriage?

58:53 Caller Probably.

58:55 Adam Why is she going to do this, and how long have you two been running around?

58:59 Caller I don't know, about a month.

59:00 Adam Just a month?

59:01 Caller Actually, about two. There's some history to it, but I can go into it if you want.

59:06 Adam Well, did you know her before this?

59:10 Caller No.

59:10 Adam She wasn't an ex-girlfriend of yours?

59:12 Caller No.

59:13 Adam Basically just picked up on her? And she's not in love with you?

59:17 Caller Kind of. Not a whole lot. Not like marry you and have kids with you forever love.

59:23 Adam But she's sort of in love with you?

59:25 Caller Right.

59:26 Adam Yeah. She seems pretty chaotic to be running around with someone as she's engaged.

59:30 Caller Yeah.

59:31 Adam Does she have a wedding date?

59:33 Caller Not yet.

59:35 Adam Okay.

59:36 Dr. Bruce She's got lots of money.

59:37 Adam Is she a mess?

59:39 Caller I don't know. I'm with her, so.

59:41 Adam Yeah. But you're kind of a mess.

59:43 Caller Yeah.

59:43 Adam Hey, Bob. And you want to know whether she's, now she's pregnant.

59:48 Caller We believe so. We've had one test. She's taking a second one tomorrow.

59:52 Adam Uh-huh.

59:52 Caller But she's late and.

59:53 Adam Her fiance doesn't know about it yet?

59:56 Caller He knows everything. He thinks it's his.

59:58 Adam He thinks it's his.

59:59 Dr. Bruce And it may be, in other words.

1:00:01 Adam Yeah. And it may be, right?

1:00:03 Caller Yeah, it could be. It could be.

1:00:05 Adam Why is it that, here's what I don't understand, and this happens a lot. People are screwing around and they're not using protection. I mean, Jesus Christ, if you're going to cheat, for Christ's sake.

1:00:16 Caller We started when we were going out, and it's actually kind of funny what happened. And a pet consumed the supply of birth control.

1:00:24 Adam I see. You guys have a goat you keep in the bedroom?

1:00:27 Caller That's a dog.

1:00:28 Dr. Bruce Ate the condoms.

1:00:29 Caller Ate the birth control pills.

1:00:32 Adam Oh, that's fantastic. Betty White's going insane right now. All right. So the pet ate all the birth control pills?

1:00:42 Caller Yes.

1:00:43 Adam And, by the way, that dog needs to go to school, by the way, if it's eating birth control pills. And what won't it eat, I guess, is the question.

1:00:51 Dr. Bruce Contraception buffet.

1:00:52 Adam All right. And those were your birth control pills or hers? Hers. I see. The good news is, is you can bang the bejesus out of the dog without worrying about it for a couple of months.

1:01:03 Dr. Bruce Well, why didn't you do the morning after thing?

1:01:05 Adam Oh, because he's an idiot. Now, listen. So she didn't want to get pregnant, but meanwhile, she's off her birth control and you and the fiancé are boinking her. So there's almost always a penis in her vagina 24-7. And now she doesn't know. So Bruce, what about it?

1:01:24 Dr. Bruce Wait, I want to, what? She's going to marry the guy. Why does she want to know so desperately, so quickly?

1:01:30 Adam She wants to know.

1:01:30 Dr. Bruce Who's bejesus?

1:01:31 Adam What do you mean, why?

1:01:31 Caller If he can't handle this, if it's his, she'll marry the guy and have the kid and they'll do the happily ever after your family thing. If it's mine, we're going to get rid of it.

1:01:41 Adam Bruce Land, that's right. That's right. They're going to do the humane thing and kill it.

1:01:47 Caller Yeah, exactly.

1:01:48 Dr. Bruce Now.

1:01:48 Caller Oh, well, I'll be...

1:01:49 Dr. Bruce Of course.

1:01:50 Adam Now, Bruce, how can they do a test?

1:01:53 Dr. Bruce Well, I mean, if you get an amniocentesis, you're going to get fluid that will give you that kind of information. Yeah, the chromosomal information from that will tell you...

1:02:02 Adam When can you do that amniocentesis?

1:02:06 Dr. Bruce You're looking at a little ways down the line. What state are you in?

1:02:11 Caller No more than a month.

1:02:12 Adam No, but what state are you calling from?

1:02:14 Caller Oh, I'm sorry. Ohio, right on the border with Kentucky.

1:02:18 Dr. Bruce Yeah, so you can get an abortion there up until what point in the program?

1:02:21 Adam That's a cultural mech of North America, isn't it? Ohio, right on the state of Kentucky?

1:02:25 Caller Oh, I guess. Here, I went out real bad.

1:02:26 Adam Oh, you do? Okay.

1:02:27 Dr. Bruce He's the second caller we've had.

1:02:28 Adam Leave all those Bohemians and they're sitting around the coffee shops exchanging ideas and talking about the Bauhaus architecture.

1:02:41 Dr. Bruce I'm not sure what the... How far into...

1:02:44 Adam You don't know. Okay. But they can. There is such a thing. Isn't it an expensive test?

1:02:50 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

1:02:51 Adam Isn't it expensive?

1:02:52 Dr. Bruce Unless insurance... Oh, insurance will cover it if there's a risk.

1:02:56 Adam No, no, no, no. But they're not going to cover the paternity part of it.

1:03:00 Dr. Bruce Probably not. It is expensive. And the question is, we don't know. Yeah. It depends how far along.

1:03:07 Caller I'm 21 years old.

1:03:09 Adam What's that?

1:03:10 Caller I'm decently well off for 21 years old.

1:03:12 Adam Oh, you are? What do you do?

1:03:13 Caller I can get it.

1:03:13 Adam We do. Sell weed?

1:03:16 Caller Computer crap.

1:03:17 Adam I see. All right. So here's... Okay. So here's what you need to do, Bob. Because Bruce over here claims he went to school, but I see no evidence of it. You need to speak to somebody and you need to find out when her... when they could schedule the amnio, when the soonest they could schedule it after, you know, from the time she was... from the time of insemination. And I don't know what that is. I'd imagine it's a couple months in.

1:03:47 Dr. Bruce Oh, yeah.

1:03:48 Adam It's not three weeks in.

1:03:49 Dr. Bruce No, no, no, no. I mean, you're looking at...

1:03:51 Adam a couple of months in. Then you need to figure out the price of having this test done on the amniofluid.

1:04:02 Caller I'll pull that string.

1:04:03 Adam All right, Bob, and then you find out what it is. Now, if it turns out to be your kid and you got to give it the abortion, then she just basically has it and tells the husband that she spontaneously aborted when she was in a step aerobics class.

1:04:21 Caller Well, she's kind of, she thinks she can't really give him any decision yet.

1:04:28 Adam She hasn't what?

1:04:29 Caller She hasn't given him a decision yet. She's kind of...

1:04:32 Adam I see. Well, maybe I'll just... I always say play it safe and get the abortion.

1:04:36 Caller That's what I'm hoping happens.

1:04:38 Adam Why, Bob?

1:04:38 Dr. Bruce Why are we asking how he got himself into this situation? Why he's needing to go out and have...

1:04:43 Adam The dog ate the pills.

1:04:45 Dr. Bruce Why is he having sex with somebody that's engaged?

1:04:47 Adam The dog? Oh, well, you know, the guy is 21. He's calling from the Ohio-Kentucky border. What do you want? This is pretty good. He's having sex with an animal.

1:04:57 Dr. Bruce I think we should find out why he's...

1:04:59 Adam He's doing fine.

1:05:00 Dr. Bruce No, he's not doing fine. He has no boundaries. He's...

1:05:03 Adam He's doing fine. He's a smart guy. He's doing some computers. He's got money for the abortion. That's all I want. All I ask out of you kids is that you have enough to get your first, second, third abortion. All right. Bruce, I know you're a big fan of the abortion. Marcus, you're 21. What's up?

1:05:21 Caller Well, I had a question. The past couple months, every time I go to the bathroom, number two, I absolutely have to take a shower. And I work in a job where I shake a lot of people's hands. And it's just, it disgusts me. I can't stand it anymore. Even if someone's sitting behind me and they sneeze, I just get disgusted and I just feel terrible.

1:05:45 Adam But what's your UAE? Let me, I'm going to guess your job.

1:05:49 Caller I'll never guess it.

1:05:50 Adam I know, I know it. Greeter at a casino?

1:05:53 Dr. Bruce No.

1:05:54 Caller I actually don't get paid.

1:05:57 Adam You don't get paid, but you still do a lot of handshaking.

1:06:00 Dr. Bruce Greeter at a 12-step meeting.

1:06:01 Adam What job is that?

1:06:02 Caller I'm a Mormon missionary.

1:06:04 Adam I see. So you travel around on your bicycle?

1:06:07 Caller Yeah, I ride a bike a lot.

1:06:09 Adam And you show up at people's houses?

1:06:11 Caller And I bother them, yeah.

1:06:12 Adam That's right. What's the best time to show up at someone's house?

1:06:15 Caller Well we knock on doors in the afternoon time.

1:06:18 Adam Right.

1:06:18 Caller And catch a lot of housewives.

1:06:20 Adam I see.

1:06:21 Caller And then we come back later that night and their husbands are all pissed off.

1:06:23 Adam Yeah, aren't you scared that you're going to knock on a door and some guys are going to be robbing a house and just come out and put a knife in you or something?

1:06:31 Caller No, I'm more scared of the dogs.

1:06:33 Adam I see. Yeah, a lot of bad dogs, too.

1:06:35 Dr. Bruce Okay.

1:06:35 Adam Hey, and you know what you need? You see these... I got one of these toilet seats that shoots water in your ass. It's like your ass is taking a shower after you go number two. You ever see these things?

1:06:53 Caller I probably couldn't afford it right now.

1:06:54 Adam Yeah, you'd be the only Mormon on the block with one of these seats. I guarantee you that. But it's good times. And your ass needs a squirt after pedaling 70 miles a day on that bike of yours.

1:07:05 Dr. Bruce Marcus, any other anxiety problems or depression problems? Any family history or anything like that? Any obsessive-compulsive disorder in the family?

1:07:12 Caller No, no. Bad family history. I kind of feel like I was beat with a stick known as organized religion, but that's about it.

1:07:21 Adam Well, it doesn't sound like you're too behind all this stuff.

1:07:26 Caller What stuff?

1:07:26 Adam The whole Mormon thing. Like, do you have to go and do your missionary work and all that?

1:07:31 Caller That's kind of required. Yeah.

1:07:33 Adam You don't sound like a huge fan of this.

1:07:35 Caller No, I'm not. I'm almost done, so I'm just kind of sticking it out.

1:07:38 Adam Yeah, but why don't you just quit? You're not into it. You don't believe in it.

1:07:42 Caller I know, but the jobs will be better when I get back into Utah society and all that stuff, though.

1:07:49 Adam Really? Is that an important thing in Utah?

1:07:51 Caller Yeah, it kind of is.

1:07:52 Adam I mean, on your job application, when they're hiring, if they saw a guy who went through this, they would hire him sooner than they'd hire an atheist?

1:08:01 Caller Probably not that, but the connections that I'll have, if I go through this, will be better.

1:08:05 Adam All right, so you're almost done.

1:08:07 Caller Yeah.

1:08:08 Adam Meanwhile, you're freaking out because you're getting this germ phobia.

1:08:13 Caller Yeah, everything's just dirty around me, it feels like.

1:08:15 Adam Right.

1:08:15 Dr. Bruce Okay, when you have intrusive thoughts or you have to perform ritualistic behaviors to feel okay and if you don't, you get anxious and stuff like that, if it starts interfering with your daily activities and your responsibilities, then you have an obsessive compulsive problem and you really need going to need to see somebody needs a little medication.

1:08:37 Adam Hey, as a Mormon, can you can you eat those pills to make you better?

1:08:42 Caller Yeah, we can eat.

1:08:43 Adam You're allowed to do that? What are you allowed? What can't you do? How about booze? No booze?

1:08:48 Caller No booze.

1:08:49 Adam Oh, geez, that hurts. I'm gonna have a drink for you tonight when I get home, Marcus.

1:08:54 Caller Thank you.

1:08:54 Adam What about coffee?

1:08:56 Caller No, absolutely not.

1:08:57 Adam Dough.

1:08:57 Caller No coffee.

1:08:58 Adam Dough. Cigarettes?

1:09:00 Caller Oh, no way.

1:09:01 Adam Dough. Pot?

1:09:02 Caller No.

1:09:03 Dr. Bruce LSD. Why don't you ask him?

1:09:05 Adam No. What are the perks? More than one wife, right?

1:09:10 Caller Not anymore, no.

1:09:11 Adam No?

1:09:11 Caller No.

1:09:12 Adam No.

1:09:14 Dr. Bruce Interracial heaven, too.

1:09:16 Adam You do? You get an open heaven? You can see everyone up there?

1:09:22 Dr. Bruce Okay. So, Marcus, this sounds like it's starting to interfere with things or become a problem in terms of...

1:09:28 Adam Go talk to a doctor. Maybe you need some of them pills to mellow you out a little bit.

1:09:33 Caller What kind of pills are those?

1:09:34 Adam Well, you know, like those...

1:09:35 Dr. Bruce Serotonin. Yeah. They're various medications available now, but...

1:09:40 Adam We got a lot of good stuff for this.

1:09:42 Dr. Bruce The point is that... Well, it sounds like Marcus is starting to have some personal concern over the level of his... His faith? The pooping and the washing the hands and the...

1:09:52 Adam Well, he'll be fine. Now, see, I'm totally different. I will scratch my ass like a monkey and then eat a taquito.

1:10:00 Dr. Bruce As long as you don't...

1:10:01 Adam With the same goddamn hand.

1:10:02 Dr. Bruce Serve other people taquitos.

1:10:04 Adam I'll tell you, I'll put a taquito up my ass and twist it like it was a Q-tip swab in my ear and then pull it out and eat it. No problem with that.

1:10:11 Dr. Bruce Personal hygiene is not an issue with you.

1:10:13 Adam I've been known to urinate in my bathroom sink while my toothbrush was in there.

1:10:18 Dr. Bruce Oh.

1:10:19 Adam I rinse it off. Where's it going? Urine's sterile. Listen, I never get sick. I eat stuff off the floor all the time. I eat stuff that's bad all the time. I eat meat that's bad and dairy that's bad, milk that's bad and sniffed cheese that's no good. I just, you know, I eat it anyway.

1:10:36 Dr. Bruce Yeah, there's some stuff grown in your refrigerator.

1:10:38 Adam I eat a lot of spoiled stuff, a lot of junk. Just today, Jimmy was over. He was cooking up some sausage. He said, dude, this sausage has been in the fridge for a couple of weeks. I'm not sure if it's any good. I said, smell it. What's it smell like? He said, eh, nothing. I said, cook it up. Come on. It's fine. No problem. Isn't that stuff all overrated?

1:11:00 Dr. Bruce No.

1:11:01 Adam Really? I just mean, you know, the stuff everyone's worried about.

1:11:06 Dr. Bruce The public health advances in modern culture. You've put those aside in favor.

1:11:11 Adam I have peed in the sink and ate stuff off the floor my entire life. I never felt better and I never get sick. I'm trying to have peed on my toothbrush many times.

1:11:20 Dr. Bruce Yes. I...

1:11:21 Adam I urinate in the sink. I see the toothbrush there. I'm too lazy to move it. I pee right on it.

1:11:25 Dr. Bruce Has Drew tried to put you on it?

1:11:27 Adam No problem with that. Well, I'd only need pills if I did it on purpose.

1:11:32 Dr. Bruce Major tranquilizer would do.

1:11:33 Adam No problem. Stuff off the floor 24-7. Sometimes I actually put food on the floor just so I can eat it off the floor. This isn't stuff that fell on the floor. I actually enjoy eating off the floor.

1:11:43 Dr. Bruce You know what I noticed, Daddy? All you buddies that I met, you're the one that's not married. And the longer I know you, the more support there is for the theory that it's your level of personal impairment that keeps you isolated from the thing.

1:12:00 Adam You do for a second, Peter. We're going to take ourselves a break. We'll be back after this. Hey, Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. This is Dr. Bruce over there. Dr. Bruce filming for Dr. Drew. Another couple of nights. You ready to rock here, Bruce? Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Lit is coming on later this week. And let's go to Carrie. Carrie?

1:12:29 Caller Yes.

1:12:30 Caller My boyfriend is on Paxil and Beast Bar. And about every month, about 2 to 3 times a night, we'll go to bed. And in the middle of the night, he'll end up waking up and he'll end up having sex. And then the next morning, he doesn't remember at all.

1:12:44 Adam Yeah. He must be good.

1:12:46 Caller Yeah.

1:12:48 Adam All right.

1:12:48 Caller So I was just wondering if it's because of the Paxil, because I know it has sexual side effects. I just, I didn't know anything about it.

1:12:54 Adam Was this something, something that never happened before he got on the meds?

1:12:58 Dr. Bruce A lot of people, when they wake up, can't remember what they.

1:13:01 Caller Well, we've been together for about a year and he was already on the meds before I got on with him.

1:13:05 Caller I don't know if it was before.

1:13:07 Caller I don't think it was.

1:13:09 Adam Well, you don't know because you weren't with him, though.

1:13:11 Caller Yeah.

1:13:11 Caller I don't know.

1:13:12 Adam Okay.

1:13:13 Dr. Bruce What's he taking him for?

1:13:14 Caller He has anxiety and depression.

1:13:17 Adam I see.

1:13:18 Caller And depression.

1:13:20 Adam Doesn't Paxil kill your Johnson? Doesn't have negative effects? I mean, doesn't make you more sexual normally, does it? That's you, goofball. I'm asking goofball proofs over here.

1:13:32 Dr. Bruce Sorry.

1:13:32 Adam That's all right.

1:13:33 Dr. Bruce Serotonin re-uptake inhibitors typically want that.

1:13:36 Adam That's your job to chime in with that.

1:13:38 Dr. Bruce Prevent ejaculation.

1:13:39 Adam That's another part of your job. And so now this is a little bit curious. Ask me a carpentry question, Bruce, and we'll do it. Because that's a topic I know. I'll give you an example when it's like working with it.

1:14:00 Dr. Bruce Okay, how would you prepare a slab floor for a wooden, an oak wooden cover? Oh, that's a good imitation of me.

1:14:11 Adam I like that. That's pretty good.

1:14:13 Dr. Bruce That's good radio.

1:14:17 Adam Wood floor? Well, now I'll play you. Wouldn't you need something to nail it down, too? Wouldn't you want to put some plywood down first? You could. Yeah, you'd need to put something. Yeah.

1:14:36 Dr. Bruce I think you've made your point.

1:14:38 Adam I think I hope I have, but apparently not, because we go through this every time. You be the doctor and tell her what's going on. This is strange because normally when you take this, you don't do any raping in the middle of the night, right?

1:14:53 Dr. Bruce She's not being raped. It sounds like...

1:14:54 Adam Well, I call it. I prefer to think of it as rape.

1:14:57 Dr. Bruce You can think of it whatever you want to.

1:14:59 Adam Any time there's sex, I think of that as rape for me.

1:15:02 Dr. Bruce Right. That tells me something.

1:15:05 Adam Now, what's she going to do about this?

1:15:07 Dr. Bruce I don't want you to press the magic button so I can talk to her.

1:15:09 Adam What is she going to do about this?

1:15:13 Dr. Bruce Carrie, let's just clarify. It's not aggressive sex.

1:15:17 Caller What? He doesn't do it without me knowing it.

1:15:21 Adam I know that.

1:15:21 Caller It doesn't bother me.

1:15:22 Adam I know. But these medications normally don't make people more amorous.

1:15:26 Caller Well, sometimes he's not either.

1:15:27 Caller Sometimes he's just...

1:15:28 Adam I see.

1:15:29 Dr. Bruce They're just having sex.

1:15:30 Adam Well, there you go.

1:15:31 Dr. Bruce Yeah. Boost bar is typically not a very potent medication. It doesn't always work that well for anxiety.

1:15:37 Adam Do you enjoy this, Carrie? Yeah. All right. Well, there you go. Enjoy. Let's keep moving here. Shelly.

1:15:47 Dr. Bruce She needs to talk. Go along to his next physician visit and discuss it with the physician.

1:15:53 Adam Why is it even connected to the medication?

1:15:55 Dr. Bruce Well, that's what I said. In the first place, many people just... I had a friend that when he was on call, he would tell nurses what to do on the next day. He truly did not remember. But once he was in a certain phase of sleep, if he was awakened, he made recommendations, which were fine, but he would not be able to remember the next day. So that's normal for some people.

1:16:16 Adam Right, but what does this have to do with the medication?

1:16:18 Dr. Bruce Nothing, because you said it may not have anything to do with the medication. I'm saying that's exactly right. Some people that are perfectly normal have that kind of behavior.

1:16:25 Adam All righty. Oh, I see. Shelly, you're 14. Shelly. Caller goes by the name of Shelly. She's 14.

1:16:33 Dr. Bruce She fell asleep. When you were stuttering. I think you overdid my stuttering a little.

1:16:39 Adam Yeah, Shelly.

1:16:40 Dr. Bruce Yeah, you woke her up.

1:16:41 Caller No. Okay.

1:16:43 Adam Now, you know the part makes me the biggest fan of you, Bruce, is when I then jump in and tell you something that you should agree with, but you disagree with it and then you woo-ah for five minutes and then get back to agreeing with it. You see what I'm saying?

1:16:57 Dr. Bruce I think you just did that with me, but you made it wrong.

1:16:59 Caller Shelly.

1:17:01 Caller I'm not 14. I'm 15.

1:17:02 Adam That's right, baby.

1:17:04 Caller Whatever.

1:17:06 Caller I don't really have a question, but I guess if I need some advice. For three years, I've been self-harming.

1:17:16 Adam Self-harming?

1:17:18 Caller Yeah.

1:17:19 Adam Like self-mutilation? Yeah. Are you carving on yourself?

1:17:25 Caller Yeah, I guess you could say that.

1:17:27 Adam Is that what you're doing?

1:17:29 Caller That and cutting and burning.

1:17:33 Adam What do you burn yourself with?

1:17:35 Caller Matches. I'll light them and then blow them out and while they're still hot, I'll just leave them with it.

1:17:41 Adam Yeah, it's no good if you just let them sit for a half hour and then put them on you. I mean, after you blow them out, it's just like putting a piece of cardboard on you. So why are you doing this?

1:17:56 Caller I don't know. I can't figure it out.

1:18:00 Adam Have you ever talked to a therapist?

1:18:03 Caller No, I don't know how to go about that because I can't tell my parents about it.

1:18:07 Adam I see. What got you going? Are your parents very controlling?

1:18:14 Caller Well, my dad, he's really protective, I guess. He doesn't let me do a lot of stuff.

1:18:19 Adam I see. And did he ever beat on you?

1:18:22 Caller No. He yells a lot and stuff, but he's never hit me.

1:18:28 Adam I see. Very controlling, very protective.

1:18:32 Dr. Bruce Yeah. Obviously, there's a lot of anger and rage turned inwards on yourself with something like this. And when you go see a counselor, they're going to talk to you about growing up, things that happen to you, and it's a very non-threatening, comfortable experience. Now, I wasn't clear as to whether or not you're afraid to talk to somebody or you're not sure who to talk to.

1:18:54 Caller Kind of both.

1:18:55 Dr. Bruce Okay. Do you have a family doctor or a minister or somebody that you're comfortable with, that you can have access to?

1:19:04 Caller See, my mom has insurance from where she works, and she just had a change, so our doctor, he's not on the list anymore. I live in a town, and then our doctor's offices, they're in the next town over, so there's no way I can get to there.

1:19:22 Dr. Bruce Okay. How about school counselor?

1:19:26 Caller They'll tell my parents.

1:19:27 Adam No, I don't know if they will.

1:19:29 Dr. Bruce With teenagers, things like this are really confidential. If they have information that you give that implies you're going to kill yourself, there are certain mandates where you have to tell somebody, the parents or another mental health worker, but confidentiality is real. It does exist even with teenagers. It's a common fear that if you talk to somebody about something like this, the first thing they do is pick up the phone and call your parents, and that's not the way it works.

1:19:56 Adam No, my school counselors did, but that's just because I was busted.

1:20:00 Dr. Bruce Yeah, you had sex with animals.

1:20:02 Adam Doing stuff, yeah. How did you know I was having sex with animals?

1:20:05 Dr. Bruce Your friends last night told me.

1:20:06 Adam Oh, I see. Yeah. Well, that was all the rage back in the early 80s.

1:20:11 Dr. Bruce You don't have to feel embarrassed about it.

1:20:12 Adam Everyone was doing it.

1:20:13 Dr. Bruce Yeah, I understand.

1:20:14 Adam I'm not ashamed.

1:20:15 Dr. Bruce You've gotten the help you needed. You're successful comedian.

1:20:17 Adam Well, look at me. I'm a millionaire, literally a millionaire. But your school counselor, that was a guy you avoided, right?

1:20:24 Dr. Bruce Not me.

1:20:25 Adam Oh, you didn't?

1:20:25 Dr. Bruce No, I just buddies with the guy.

1:20:27 Adam Were you? But sexual buddies?

1:20:29 Dr. Bruce No, no, absolutely not.

1:20:30 Adam What buddies? No.

1:20:31 Dr. Bruce You know, I didn't have that kind of a...

1:20:35 Adam You didn't have that... You didn't have sex with your counselor?

1:20:37 Dr. Bruce I might have sex with anybody.

1:20:39 Adam My counselor's name was Mr. Tomey, and basically my job was to avoid Mr. Tomey. He didn't like me much. He knew I wasn't one of the better students at North Hollywood High.

1:20:51 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

1:20:51 Adam And I would basically, if his office door was open, I would just run past it, so he didn't call me in. But one time I did, when I got suspended, he did have to call my dad. And the problem was, is every year they would give you something called an emergency card to fill out, and you had to fill this card out, and you had to fill this emergency card out, have your parents sign it, and then hand it in before you could register for your classes. And because I was a little bit, well I was unable to do anything that anyone requested of me from the ages of zero to thirty.

1:21:30 Dr. Bruce Sort of an oppositional disorder.

1:21:33 Adam Well part of it was just being combative, but the other part was just being stupid and not being able to do things, couldn't fill things out correctly, couldn't take books home without losing them, couldn't do homework, couldn't write, couldn't read, just couldn't do anything. And they'd give me this card to take home and have signed, and I'd realize by the time it was time to register that I never took it home and no one ever signed it, and therefore I couldn't register that day, and therefore I wouldn't get all my great classes, you know, like ceramics and horticulture class. So I would then fill in the information and sign my dad's name and hand it to the guys so I could do it. And I realized a year later when I was suspended what they use that emergency card for, which is when you're suspended, or if you have an aneurysm or something, they pull that emergency card and try to get information like dad's work number, place of employment, phone numbers and things like that. Well, me and my buddies all filled the thing out and the thing said, it said residence, I had put down for Ronald McDonald halfway house was my residence and for it, it was funny at the time. And for dad's occupation, I basically wrote works for government and then underneath everything in the occupation, I wrote classified. So dad's phone number classified, dad's place of residence, dad's address, dad's anything made mom's main name, everything was classified, I wrote on there. So when Mr. Tomey sat me down in his office and said, well, now you're suspended, now let me just find your card so I can call your father and have him come pick you up and yell at you, went through. And I remember he pulled the card. I did this nine months earlier and had no, was not thinking about it all. And he was studying it for a few moments and he was looking at all the nonsense with the mom's work address, Hollywood and Vine and, you know, her pimp let her off work and just all that, all that, you know, sex, yes, occasionally, but most mostly masturbation, all the nonsense you can fill out. One of you, you and your high school buddies could fill out laughing in line before you register. And he just stared at this card for a while. And then he looked at me and then he said, without showing me the card, he said, did you fill this card out? And that's when my brain, you know, once in a while your brain fires up, kind of like you're trying to start a weed whacker or lawn mower, like, I'm like sitting there, I'm looking at the card, I'm going, that's one of those times you want to consult with somebody, like Oliver North did with his attorney before you give the answer. You realize it's not going to look good when you pause for ten minutes because it's sort of an admission of guilt. Did you fill this out, Adam? You give one of those non-committal answers? Well, probably, but you never know. Why? What's on it? And then he flips it over and it's written in my clear chicken scratch writing, my horrible penmanship that only a left-handed person with a learning disability could have. Yeah, and it matched any other writing that he had in any other folder he had over there on me. And I was like, uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, that might have been. Let's see, your mom is a whore who works on Hollywood and Vine is her work address. Um, yeah, I'm not sure. I don't remember that part. So anyway, basically, I had to call information to find my dad's number, which it really took a bad situation. It's made it worse, I guess, is what it was. But no, he was Mr. Tomey and I tried like hell to avoid his office and I certainly wouldn't come to him with any problem I was having. That's great. Well, these are wonderful stories. Thank you, Huell. But it's a new time. It's a new age and kids can do this now. And that's who she needs to talk to.

1:25:19 Dr. Bruce Who was that?

1:25:20 Adam Was that the story? All right.

1:25:21 Dr. Bruce Yeah, that sounds like that.

1:25:22 Adam We're going to take a break. When we come back, we'll talk to... No, I don't want to talk to that person.

1:25:27 Dr. Bruce You don't want to talk to that one? Okay. Well, we did that one before.

1:25:31 Adam Uh-huh.

1:25:32 Dr. Bruce Car's words.

1:25:34 Adam Well, we just talked to Carver. And wants to know the difference between Herpes 1 and 11?

1:25:39 Dr. Bruce 1 and 2.

1:25:40 Adam Oh. You just put a 2 on there, wouldn't we, in Rome? All right, we'll be back.

1:25:48 Loveline will be right back, so get your problems ready.

1:25:54 Adam I'm Adam Corolla. Dr. Bruce is over there to my left. That'd be to your right if you're facing the radio. He is filling in for Dr. Drew, who's on another one of his many, many, many, many, many vacations. You know, people talk about this show and they talk about commitment, and they talk about Drew. They talk about how he loves the kids and he's doing this, and I'm looked at some jack-off who sits here and makes fart jokes, but who's here every night?

1:26:22 Thank God for Dr. Drew.

1:26:24 Adam Who's really here?

1:26:24 Dr. Bruce Not Dr. Adam.

1:26:25 Adam I don't see a doctor in front of your name, Mr. Big Mouth. Who's here for the kids? That's my point.

1:26:30 Dr. Bruce Drew's here for the kids.

1:26:31 Adam No.

1:26:31 Dr. Bruce You are so.

1:26:32 Adam Drew is skiing.

1:26:34 Dr. Bruce You are so irritating. Drew skis for the kids. And obnoxious that Drew needs more vacations just to recuperate from your abrasive personality.

1:26:41 Adam He gets his wife of his and those triplets together. That is no vacation.

1:26:47 Dr. Bruce I think a vacation for you is I'd like to send you and Susan to a desert island for a month.

1:26:53 Adam You better send a shotgun. Because I'll kill her and I'll kill myself. I'm not even supposed to be here today. Then I would kill her. That's the way I would do it. Terry?

1:27:05 Caller Yeah, what's up?

1:27:06 Adam You're 19.

1:27:07 Caller I will be next month, but close enough.

1:27:09 Adam Okay. What's up?

1:27:11 Caller I've got a couple problems and a couple questions I want to ask. We're past the 90s, so usually these days, if a guy and girl start dating, it's the guy that wants sex most of the time first.

1:27:22 Adam Yeah.

1:27:23 Caller I'm the opposite. I'm trying to look for a girl that doesn't want a sex relationship, and I cannot find one.

1:27:29 You're gay.

1:27:30 Adam Thank you, Drew.

1:27:30 Caller No, I'm not gay. I'm far from it.

1:27:34 Adam Drew's drunk as a skunk and sitting in a hot tub right now, he knows you're gay.

1:27:38 Caller He's just jealous because he can't get any girls, okay?

1:27:40 Adam Well, that's probably true. Well, potentially, he chooses not to.

1:27:45 Caller You can't find a girl that wants to settle down and have a nice relationship.

1:27:48 Adam Are you a virgin?

1:27:49 Caller No, I've had sex once, and due to it, I had a baby.

1:27:53 Adam One time you have a baby? Jesus, I've had sex like nine times I haven't had a kid. You realize that?

1:28:01 Caller Luckily, I don't have my ex-fiancee. I have my kid.

1:28:05 Adam I see.

1:28:05 Dr. Bruce Okay, so you tell me you're going out with girls.

1:28:07 Adam Wait, who's raising your kid?

1:28:10 Caller It was given up by the state of Nevada because my fiance was taken away and thrown in prison for 76 years.

1:28:18 Adam She was thrown in where for 76 years? 76?

1:28:21 Caller Yep.

1:28:22 Adam How old was she when she was taken away?

1:28:25 Caller She had just turned 19.

1:28:26 Adam I see. And what did they, did she try to stuff the kid in a slot machine or something?

1:28:33 Caller No, she was pulled over for drug trafficking and they found 112 pounds of methamphetamine in her trunk.

1:28:38 Adam Well, it wasn't like it was 200 pounds.

1:28:41 Dr. Bruce It's personal use.

1:28:43 Adam Really?

1:28:43 Dr. Bruce I knew the word personal use.

1:28:45 Caller It was her fourth defense.

1:28:46 Adam 76 years. And is that like a mandatory thing now? When is she up for parole?

1:28:54 Caller She's not. She's got two life terms.

1:28:56 Adam Really?

1:28:57 Caller Wow.

1:28:58 Adam Yeah. That's, it's got to be a little rough to be 19 and get 76 years in the pokey. You know, people going, listen, you get your exercise, you don't smoke, you stay away from the carbohydrates. You know, you'll be 95 when you get out. You still got a couple of good, good years of freedom ahead of you. If you take care of yourself, take your supplements, stay away from some of that starchy prison food. Impressive. That's got to be rough. All right.

1:29:28 Dr. Bruce Can I ask my question now?

1:29:29 Adam Yeah. Go ahead.

1:29:31 Dr. Bruce Okay. At what point do you find out that these women don't, that they want sex with you? Is it like the first date every time or?

1:29:39 Caller No, because it's most of the girls that you talk to, I mean, they're asking all these kinky questions and stuff like that. And it's like, why don't you answer that? And why does that kind of thing? And most of the girls are like, oh, okay, sorry, you know?

1:29:50 Adam Right.

1:29:50 Dr. Bruce Okay.

1:29:51 Adam Where are you going to? Where are you cruising chicks at the Monster Truck Show or something like that?

1:29:56 Caller No, usually I would meet a couple of girls at church.

1:30:00 How gay are you?

1:30:01 Adam At church? What church? Okay, listen, Terry, do you go to school? What do you do for a living?

1:30:08 Caller You wouldn't blame me if I told you.

1:30:09 Adam All right, you're right. You're very nice. Okay. What do you do?

1:30:13 Caller I do stunt promotion pictures.

1:30:15 Adam I see. And there must be plenty of women hanging around the set there.

1:30:19 Caller Not many stunt women.

1:30:21 Adam Right, but there's got to be some women around the set, caterers, makeup people, wardrobe people.

1:30:28 Caller They're people I work with. I'm not going to do something I work with.

1:30:30 Adam Why do you mean? You don't work on a film for more than a couple of weeks. What do you care? Look goofball, who are you talking to?

1:30:38 Dr. Bruce If you have those standards, people will respect those standards.

1:30:41 Adam I don't believe this guy. I don't see people raping him. Oh, listen, just go meet someone you're attracted to and work it out. I got a problem. I can't meet chicks. They all want to have sex with me. How dare he insult our intelligence that way. Real quick, where do you want to go to break? No. Dave?

1:30:56 Caller You.

1:30:57 Adam I love the kids too much. You're 19, you can't have an orgasm while you're having sex with a woman?

1:31:01 Caller Well, it's not that I can't. I have before. It just takes forever.

1:31:05 Adam Okay, what about during a BJ?

1:31:08 Caller Not that either.

1:31:09 Adam Yeah? What if I gave you one, brother?

1:31:11 Caller Gay.

1:31:13 Caller I'm definitely not gay, big guy.

1:31:14 Adam All right. All right, baby. Yeah, is anything up with your penis? Does it work okay?

1:31:21 Caller To my knowledge, yeah. I never have a problem when I'm by myself.

1:31:24 Adam I see. And the problem is, okay, here's a quick tip because we got to go to break. Dave? You're by yourself and you're working your penis quite a bit, right?

1:31:32 Caller Not really.

1:31:34 Adam Once a day?

1:31:34 Caller When I was younger, yeah, not even once a day.

1:31:36 Adam Okay. Well, you got to get back up on that horse, brother.

1:31:39 Caller You think so?

1:31:39 Adam Here's the deal. Your penis is used to a certain sensation, which is your hand and you in a certain position.

1:31:45 Caller Sure, sure.

1:31:46 Adam Get into that. Are you on your back when you masturbate?

1:31:50 Caller Well, depends.

1:31:52 Adam Is that what you're in or you do that thing where you stiffen up like a board and lean your forehead up against the tile in the bathroom, like someone leaned a surfboard against the side of a car?

1:32:00 Caller It depends, man.

1:32:01 Adam Not my move.

1:32:03 Dr. Bruce Not everyone's written an autobiography based on masturbatory behaviors like you have. I don't know.

1:32:07 Adam Okay, listen, here's my advice for Dave. Find one chick and work it out. Don't hop from chick to chick. Find one chick, do all your experimenting, earn your stripes. We'll be back.

1:32:18 Caller Hello, this is your radio.

1:32:29 Adam All right, well, there you have it. Another fine performance turned in by Dr. Bruce. He showed up for the second half of the show and made right up for it.

1:32:39 Dr. Bruce I provided CPR at the roadside. There was an accident.

1:32:43 Adam Yeah.

1:32:43 Dr. Bruce There was a, I delivered a baby in the second half of the trip to LA for my house.

1:32:49 Adam That's right.

1:32:50 Dr. Bruce I've had anal sex and I've passed out a couple times.

1:32:52 Adam Yeah, that's what happened. Next time, have your life partner wake you up in time to make it to the show on time. All right, we will check out for just about 22 hours or so and then we'll be back with more Fantabulous Loveline tomorrow night. So until next time, this is Adam Corolla for Dr. Bruce, otherwise known as Dr. Spanze, saying Mahalo.

1:33:16 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Ann Wilkinson. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Sunday, January 7, 2001