Episode 1000754887306

1:01 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised. Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew Loveline, Coast to Coast.

1:13 Adam It would have been a beautiful thing. Yeah, yeah, that would have been like Jim Jones being alone with his flock. Are you high? Are you kidding? You think I'd sooner leave a pedophile with my nephews and leave you alone with my listeners? One of these days. How dare you?

1:30 Dr. Bruce German work of art you drive is going to conk out. I remember one time, did you have to hitchhike in here one night?

1:34 Adam No, one night. Well, let me set up the show and then I'll tell that story because it has been probably about four years. Anderson, I don't think you were here when that horrible thing happened to me, but anyway, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-191-FACTS-NOR-310-854-4455. I'm Adam Carolla. It's Dr. Bruce. You know him as Dr. Spaz. Filling in for Dr. Drew. Mr. Maronite, your last night.

2:02 Dr. Bruce Why?

2:02 Adam How long have you been here? About a month? It feels like a long time. What has it been? Three days?

2:07 Dr. Bruce Like my friend about his marriage. It feels like 20 minutes underwater.

2:13 Adam All right. So the story you speak of is one night, and this is years ago. This must have been about four years ago. I was driving in to do the show, and I had a little battery problem with the car I had, and the battery was not being charged by the alternator. It would hold some juice, but then I would go through the juice as I drove, and it was not being recharged as I drove. I got a jump start when it conked out in Studio City. I got a late start as usual, and I was driving down the 10, and it's back when I used to care about this show. This is many years ago. I was driving down the 10, and the car crapped out, and the show was going to begin in about 12 minutes. I was about two exits away, standing on the side of the freeway at 947 in the evening. The car wasn't going anywhere, and I wasn't going anywhere, and I thought it was very important that I get here before the show started. I hadn't been doing the show too long, and I thought that's the cardinal sin of radio, not to be here when the mic heats up. Although I do it almost on a nightly basis. Almost. Back then, I was young and naive, full of piss and vinegar, and I still had the will to live, and it was important for me to get here before the show started. So I ran down the freeway off ramp, turn right, ran down to Overland Boulevard, and ran into a Winchell's Donuts. Oh, that's right. And I looked like a crazed madman because I was covered with sweat. My wallet, of course, was not in my pants. It was in my car, and I accosted a nice couple on the outside who was leaving the donut shop. And I said to them, can you drive me? I just, I got, I'm about two miles, about no, about a mile, about a mile from here. Are you leaving? Could you drive me? And they were like a little frightened of me because it was at night and I was covered in swag. No, I didn't tell them that. I said, I just need to ride down the street with that. I'm not a murderer. Could I do it? By the way, it's important when you're asking for people, for rides, not to even bring up murder. You shouldn't bring it up. I learned that now. And they said, well, no, no, no, we can't give you a ride. Here's $5. Could you call a cab? And I said, now here's where they must have really thought I was nuts. I said, no, no, no, no, I need you to drive me. I need you to drive me. And they said, we're not comfortable with that. Here's $5. And I said, no, no, I don't want $5. Take the $5. No, I don't have time. I don't have time. Well, we can't drive you. I said, okay, keep your $5. And I ran into the whatever. Now they must've been a little confused. Like how often do you meet strangers covered with sweat in a parking lot? You try to give them money.

5:02 Dr. Bruce Did you have your hat on?

5:02 Adam And they don't take it. I was dressed like I normally am. Disheveled, slippers, sweatpants, tattered, semen soaked sweatshirt. So then I run in and two good fellows. I mean, two guys that are like right out of Pritzzee's honor or something. These guys are these guys are good fellows are coming out of this thing. And these guys they look like extras from from the Spartans. I tried the Sopranos. These guys really look like the Sopranos guys. They got a Cadillac, you know, an 89 El Dorado and everything with that blackened windows. And they're getting like cannolis, you know. And I said, hey, can you give me get out of here, you jackass. No, no, seriously, seriously, I need a ride. It's about a mile down. You got a joint? No, no, I don't have a joint. Get out, jack off. I said like, no, seriously, fellas, seriously, I do a radio show. The radio shows, you do a radio show. Get out of here, you jack off. And his other friends like, hey, Tony, go ahead, give him a ride. What the hell? I said, oh, please, please give me a ride, please. I said, okay, I get in the car with these guys. These are the guys kind of, it was ironic that I was begging to get in the car with these guys because these are the guys you might be begging to get out of the car with if they picked you up. Get in. So you drive in. I said, listen, the show is going to start now. It's going to start in two and a half minutes. It's straight down overland. You know, make a right. We'll just make it. All right. All right. All right. He's driving down and he stops in front of an apartment building. And I go, what's going on with you? I got to bring these cannolis up to my old. I said, no, no, no, no, no, no. Just take a minute. I said, no, the radio's got you got plenty of time. You'll make your radio show. No, I won't make my radio show. It starts at that. Listen, let me just drop the cannolis off. I said, no, no, no, please drive. He says, what's in it for us? I said, I don't know. What do you do? He had a storefront with one of these soothsaying madams. Oh, my. Madame Helen, who would read your palms. I said, listen, you come on the show. You can give the number out for a man. Yeah, I could. I said, yeah, yeah, come on, just keep driving. So anyway, the guys, they drove me here and the guys walked in and they, we didn't have a guest and they sat down and they came on the air. And they're talking about Madame Helen and the guy gave his phone number out five times. I remember it was, it's, it's a tree one oh.

7:34 Dr. Bruce Uh-oh.

7:35 Adam Was it, what's the prefix? Tree one oh. And they couldn't remember their own.

7:40 Dr. Bruce Sounds like driving Miss Daisy to me.

7:42 Adam Yeah. So anyway, I did make it on time. I think I risked life and limb for the listener.

7:47 Dr. Bruce I think we're due for scabies on a penis call.

7:50 Adam Thank you. Justin?

7:52 Yes.

7:52 Adam You're 22.

7:54 Caller Yes, I am. I, first time caller, a long time listener. Right.

8:00 Dr. Bruce Whatever.

8:01 Adam What's up?

8:02 Caller Hey, well, I've had these scabs kind of or something on my penis.

8:09 Dr. Bruce Yikes.

8:10 Caller And I don't know what it is. I've been faithful to my girlfriend. She's now my fiance for about, it's been three years now. And I've asked her.

8:21 Adam They've been together for six years. So that's the problem.

8:23 Dr. Bruce Maybe it's a plague from God's care.

8:26 Adam And what do these scabs look like? I mean, the kind of scabs you get if you drag your knee along the carpet, or they look like blisters.

8:34 Caller They look more like blisters. Well, kind of in between both. It's kind of, the skin kind of pills off and they go away and come back, but they're never all the way gone. So.

8:45 Dr. Bruce I love radio dermatology.

8:46 Adam Do you have a.

8:47 Dr. Bruce It's a real visual.

8:48 Adam You have vigorous sex with your girlfriend?

8:50 Caller Well, yeah, sometimes.

8:52 Adam Yeah. You think it's that, Bruce? Bruce, Dr. Bruce, Paging, Dr. Spanze. Dr. Spanze, please come to the microphone.

9:00 Dr. Bruce I'm visualizing. I'm doing some.

9:02 Adam Okay.

9:02 Dr. Bruce I'm creating a visualization.

9:03 Adam Would you drink some more goddamn coffee and get going?

9:06 Dr. Bruce Oh, no. There's no stimulant and stuff.

9:08 Adam Oh, Jesus Christ. Go, Bucky.

9:10 Dr. Bruce Justin, do you have any bleeding when this occurs?

9:13 Caller No, it never bleeds.

9:14 Dr. Bruce And itching?

9:16 Caller Yeah, it itches, but pretty bad.

9:18 Dr. Bruce Okay. And how often are we talking about? Do you get outbreaks once a week, once a month?

9:22 Caller Well, it's never gone away for the past, like, three weeks. It hasn't gone away. It's just been there. It gets a little bit better. And then if I quit masturbating or have sex with her, then it goes away a little bit. But it never completely goes away. It'll come back. And I can't completely quit masturbating, you know. No, that's impossible.

9:42 Dr. Bruce Any new masturbatory lubricant that you've been using lately?

9:45 Caller No, I changed that actually, too. I went to Unscented.

9:48 So smart.

9:50 Dr. Bruce Smart move. That was a good move. Yeah, we like that. Okay. And when you when Adam asked about blisters, are these very small blisters or are they, you know, are we talking about a tiny pimple-like?

10:01 Caller No, they're not real small. They're, you know, they're about the size of like a attack sort of.

10:09 Adam All right. So what should we do? We can't figure this out.

10:12 Dr. Bruce Yeah, I'm beyond myself here. But you need to have this looked at it. It's the same advice. Any time you have a lesion like that on the penis, you have to rule out a venereal disease. And however much you'd hate to think it was your fiancé that they transmitted it, that's a possibility. And then there are other dermatologic disorders. You might have an allergic reaction to something that previously didn't bother you. But it could be herpes has a blister-like lesion and scabies. I thought it was a scabies called to be in with.

10:51 Adam All right. So you really have to have it looked at before it dries up, right?

10:55 Dr. Bruce Yes.

10:56 Adam Beautiful. Angela?

10:58 Hi.

10:58 Adam Hey, you're 19. What's up?

11:00 Caller Hi. For the past 20 months, I've noticed that I've been losing weight really fast. And I was just wondering if there could be any losing to it.

11:10 Adam Yeah, how much weight did you lose?

11:12 Caller 12 pounds. And it wouldn't be so bad, except I'm underweight as it is.

11:15 Adam I see. And you do nothing to do this. You're not running in place and sleep. While you're sleeping or anything like that? No. You don't vomit?

11:25 Nope.

11:25 Adam You don't take laxatives?

11:26 No.

11:27 Caller I love food and I can't stand just the thought of taking this.

11:30 Adam Yeah, so you eat a lot.

11:32 Yes.

11:33 Adam Are your parents thin?

11:35 Caller Huh? No, my mom's average.

11:39 Adam I see. All right, well, you just have a fast metabolism. Maybe she has a tapeworm.

11:43 Dr. Bruce Maybe she has thyroid. You might have a thyroid disorder. Your metabolism is controlled by your thyroid. And losing weight without a change in diet, you're not having diarrhea, nothing in your nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, nothing like that. Nope. Night sweats. No other systemic type of problems that you've noticed. Fevers, chills, skin rashes. It's a fairly common thing in young adult females to develop thyroid problems and have weight loss. But 12 pounds, what's your heights? Five five and you weigh 90.

12:17 Caller Ninety eight.

12:18 Dr. Bruce Oh, and you've never had an eating disorder, any other kind of?

12:22 Caller Nope.

12:23 Dr. Bruce Not on any medications. You haven't tried any?

12:25 Caller No, three months ago, I weighed 110.

12:28 Adam All right.

12:28 Dr. Bruce OK. You have a family doctor?

12:31 Caller Yeah, I went to him and he tried telling me that it was a thyroid problem.

12:35 Adam I see.

12:36 Caller I still don't understand how that could.

12:38 Dr. Bruce OK, your thyroid controls your metabolism.

12:40 Adam Hold on, Angela.

12:42 Caller Yeah.

12:42 Adam You don't understand how the TV remote works either. All right. No, there's many, many things you don't understand. I'm guessing almost everything. But here's the point. You don't have to understand. You're not a doctor. That's why you go to a doctor. Remember Bruce was talking a half hour ago about the thyroid condition?

13:00 Dr. Bruce Yeah. Right.

13:01 Adam It's time to go back to the doctor and see about what to do and how to treat this thyroid condition.

13:07 Dr. Bruce It's like your thyroid sets the idle if your body were a motor had an engine and the idle is set too fast so you're burning up calories. Something that a lot of people would love to have and in fact some diet doctors give out a thyroid stimulating pill along with everything else.

13:23 Adam What's wrong with that? Why not?

13:25 Dr. Bruce Because it can get you into a lot of trouble. First of all, I've had patients...

13:30 Adam What's wrong with turning that idle or dwell up as we call it in the automotive business?

13:35 Dr. Bruce You can't keep it that way. You're going to turn off your own thyroid and it's a hormone. Thyroid normally produces thyroid hormone to regulate your metabolism. If you take it externally, exogenously, then you're going to shut down your own thyroid and I've had a patient have a heart attack after having that happen.

13:57 Adam Isn't that after you gave him the bill?

13:59 Dr. Bruce I had an 85 year old guy taking thyroid and speed from a diet doctor one time.

14:04 Adam Really?

14:04 Dr. Bruce Yeah. He was coming back with chest pain, angina, he was coming back every week and his wife.

14:09 Adam Who the hell cares what you look like at 85?

14:11 Dr. Bruce His wife kept yelling at him, George, it's those pills. I know it's those pills, that diet place you go. I don't like that doctor.

14:17 Adam I'm sure.

14:18 Dr. Bruce I said, what pills? They hadn't told me about that because he liked them. He liked the speed.

14:21 Adam Did he call it elixir or did he call it pills? Here's the deal. I mean, how much was he morbidly obese? How much weight do you have to lose at 85?

14:30 Dr. Bruce No, he wasn't. He was maybe 15% overweight.

14:33 Adam All right. Natalia?

14:35 Dr. Bruce Yes?

14:35 Adam You're 34?

14:36 Dr. Bruce Yes, I am.

14:37 Adam What's up?

14:39 Dr. Bruce I have this problem and that I am always touching myself. And it is, I feel really silly telling you about this because it is an awful thing and it interferes with everything I do.

14:52 Adam Yeah.

14:53 Dr. Bruce Oh, sounds like one of your friends Saturday night. Where are you from?

14:55 Adam From Denmark?

14:57 Dr. Bruce I have Poland.

14:58 Adam Poland?

14:59 Dr. Bruce Yes.

15:00 Adam That's nice.

15:01 Dr. Bruce Well, hey, now you be nice now.

15:03 Adam No, listen, the whole, no one makes any good Polak jokes anymore, so don't worry.

15:08 Dr. Bruce Okay, well we don't make any good jokes about you guys either.

15:11 Adam You should though. And who do you guys kid about?

15:15 Dr. Bruce We joke about you guys.

15:17 Adam Do you do like, did you hear about the American terrorist who tried to blow up the bus? He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe. You know, you do those kind of jokes.

15:27 Dr. Bruce Maybe I do not remember. I was probably touching myself.

15:32 Adam I see. I was probably touching myself.

15:37 Dr. Bruce Well, this is a big problem for me. This is serious because every time, okay, I work, I am secretary here and I work in professional building. I will be at the back of the elevator.

15:52 Adam Do you have a brother who cruises successfully?

15:55 Dr. Bruce No, I know. It's just me and my sister. We moved here from my father, but by ourselves.

16:01 Adam He does not wear an astrological medallion?

16:04 Dr. Bruce Oh, my goodness.

16:05 No.

16:07 Dr. Bruce No, he does not.

16:07 Adam How would he cruise successfully without this astrological medallion and birth control device?

16:13 Dr. Bruce Astrological? My goodness. I am so excited now. See what you did.

16:18 Adam All right. So you touch, you work?

16:21 Dr. Bruce Now, see, I am touching myself again because of you.

16:25 Adam I'm sorry.

16:25 Dr. Bruce Well, Adam would like you to touch him when you get excited.

16:27 Adam So you, now when you say touch yourself, you mean stimulate yourself?

16:32 Dr. Bruce I relate to myself in many, many ways.

16:36 Adam Right.

16:36 Dr. Bruce Okay. I, yes, I touched myself my, well, okay. And I have to be careful because she said not to say negative things on the radio.

16:47 Adam She said, our phone screener said that?

16:50 Dr. Bruce Well, you know, I should not be causing.

16:52 Adam Yeah, don't cuss. That's what she said.

16:54 Dr. Bruce But I can use clinical terms.

16:56 Adam Sure.

16:57 Dr. Bruce Okay. Well, then, well, sometimes, you know, I just, how do I say, I play with my clitoris.

17:05 Adam Right.

17:06 Dr. Bruce And this will happen, you know, in the back of the elevator. And there are people standing in front of me in business suits. And they do not know. But that excites me more.

17:16 They don't know.

17:17 Dr. Bruce Sometimes I'll be at the dentist, you know, and I will be in the chair and they will go out of the room for a minute, you know? And then I get excited. And I think, oh, but I must touch myself here now, too.

17:31 Adam Well, sure. I mean, you get an oral surgery. Who isn't aroused?

17:35 Dr. Bruce Oh, and this is my, my breasts are very sensitized.

17:38 Adam You should go to my dentist because he touches his patients for them.

17:43 Dr. Bruce Oh, my God.

17:43 Adam Yeah. He puts, he puts them out, the little nitrous, and then he feels them off. And no extra charge, he tells me. He wants me to send my sister there, he told me.

17:52 Dr. Bruce I'm shocked.

17:53 Adam Said he'd clean my teeth for free if I sent my mom and sister there.

17:56 Dr. Bruce Well, what about me?

17:58 Adam He cannot touch you successfully.

18:00 Dr. Bruce Oh, no.

18:01 Adam They cannot stimulate your clitoris.

18:03 Dr. Bruce Well, you know, I feel silly, and this is an awful thing, and I do not know what to do about it, because I cannot stop.

18:11 Adam All right. Now, when did you come to this country from your native Poland?

18:15 Dr. Bruce About seven years ago.

18:16 Adam Seven years ago. You barely have an accent.

18:20 Dr. Bruce Well, thank you.

18:21 Adam You studied English in Poland?

18:24 Dr. Bruce No, my sister, Gosia, mainly.

18:26 Dr. Bruce Have you ever had a career in the entertainment industry?

18:29 Dr. Bruce No.

18:30 Adam Is this one of the Gabor sisters? Is that what you're asking?

18:33 Dr. Bruce Am I what?

18:34 Adam Were you ever molested in Poland? Did they do that in Poland?

18:37 Dr. Bruce They do that, but no, I was not, unfortunately. Well, no, I should not say that.

18:43 Adam Poor you. Your dad didn't rape you.

18:46 Dr. Bruce Do you have any problems with recurring thoughts, or is it just the-

18:49 Dr. Bruce Yes, continually. I wonder if the world will end, and who I will have sex with immediately, it dare upon.

18:58 Adam I see. So there's a meteor hurling toward the planet and you're going to hop on some guy before the whole S-House comes down.

19:06 Dr. Bruce So would you-

19:06 Dr. Bruce Or a girl, you know.

19:07 Adam Oh, yeah, sure.

19:08 Dr. Bruce Right. Would you say that these behaviors are interfering with your activities of daily living?

19:13 Dr. Bruce Absolutely. I can't drive. I have truckers be driving by. They honk their horns. I have embarrassing, you know, even the SUV, the big trucks and everything.

19:26 Adam Right. She drives a convertible Miata. That's the problem.

19:28 Dr. Bruce No, no, I don't. But I drive a small car. You can see into it. Sure.

19:33 Adam Do you wear skirts so that you can get at yourself?

19:36 Dr. Bruce Absolutely.

19:37 Adam I see.

19:38 Dr. Bruce And the other thing is, I have this thing, it is- I don't know what to call it. But how do you say? It plugs into the lighter and it moves quickly.

19:51 Adam Yeah, I know.

19:53 Dr. Bruce It's very fun.

19:54 Adam It's called a map light.

19:56 Dr. Bruce Oh, it's wonderful.

19:58 Adam And so you have orgasm while you're driving the car?

20:03 Dr. Bruce Every time.

20:04 Adam Every time. And you have an orgasm at work too?

20:07 Dr. Bruce Awesome. Yes, all the time.

20:09 Adam She said, I'll move. Mental note. Move to Poland.

20:11 Dr. Bruce You would be a great pleasure for a psychiatrist. I'm sure there's someone out there that would love to see you. And there is help for this.

20:18 Adam Yeah.

20:18 Dr. Bruce There is help.

20:20 Adam Yeah, you're wearing a hole, a second hole in your vagina.

20:23 Dr. Bruce What?

20:24 Adam Are you a married woman?

20:26 No.

20:27 Adam Why not?

20:28 Dr. Bruce Because, well, I don't know. I don't think about these things.

20:33 Adam I see. Well, you're 34 years old.

20:37 Dr. Bruce But I have tried this and been there and done that.

20:40 Adam You have been there and done that.

20:42 Dr. Bruce Right.

20:43 Dr. Bruce And you've seen a doctor, you've seen a therapist or a doctor.

20:47 Dr. Bruce Not for my touching problem.

20:49 Dr. Bruce Have you ever been on an antidepressant or had any other kind of anxiety problems, anything like that?

20:54 Dr. Bruce I drink coffee.

20:56 Dr. Bruce Okay. Well, you can't drink enough coffee to make you do that.

20:58 Dr. Bruce Well, no. And it's hard to drive and drink coffee and do this. And it's hard to hold the cellular phone and do this.

21:05 Dr. Bruce That's what we mean by interfering with activities of daily living.

21:08 Adam You got to steer with your nipples.

21:10 Dr. Bruce Right. Basically, it's very difficult. You know, I mean, it's very hard for me to do all these things.

21:17 Adam Yeah. I'll tell you, if your rear ended me, I'd be upset. But if I found out it was because you're masturbating, I'd probably be all right with it.

21:24 Dr. Bruce You what?

21:24 Adam Yes.

21:25 Dr. Bruce I wonder if the phone...

21:27 Adam God knows, though, if you got that vibrator up you and you rear end a van, that thing's coming out of your ass. That airbag's just going to blow it right out your ass.

21:37 Dr. Bruce Like they say.

21:38 Dr. Bruce Sometimes that is an area I play with, too.

21:41 Adam The ass or the airbag?

21:43 Dr. Bruce Well, both.

21:45 Adam The ass. What is the ass called in Polish?

21:48 Dr. Bruce Well, you same here. What is the latest I heard? Cornhole.

21:54 Adam That's Polish. Boy. American slang's really catching on over there.

21:59 Brain is damaged, you're addicted, you're pervert, you're not normal, you're suicidal, you're schizophrenic.

22:06 Adam Schizophrenic.

22:07 Dr. Bruce No. And McDonald's has caught on, too. This is true.

22:10 Adam In Poland?

22:12 Dr. Bruce Absolutely.

22:12 Adam But they put the meat on the outside of the bun there.

22:15 Dr. Bruce It's not meat. You know, she'd do well in a man show with you, don't you think?

22:19 Adam Yeah, although I'd like to get a look at her.

22:23 Dr. Bruce Like the gal you invited down here that one time?

22:24 Adam Like Valencia. Hey, Natalia? Yeah? All right, baby. You need to go to... Well, how about you... There's a meeting, these people, they meet. It's called SA. SA, it says Sexaholics Anonymous.

22:40 Oh, really?

22:41 Adam Yeah, you could probably get something out of one of those meetings.

22:45 Dr. Bruce I've read a lot of what I probably don't need.

22:48 Adam Talk to a psychiatrist, maybe he'll give you some pills, slow you down a little so you don't get in an accident.

22:53 Dr. Bruce Yeah, there are several things that could be going on, but it sounds very obsessive and compulsive about these behaviors.

23:00 Adam Let's get to the cornhole thing. Hey, listen, Natalia, are you masturbating now?

23:05 Dr. Bruce Yes.

23:06 Adam Yeah, could you put the phone down there?

23:08 Dr. Bruce Well, okay, but...

23:13 Adam Oh, my God, what the hell? Adam. Well, where are we going?

23:17 Dr. Bruce Sure, does Drew do a Polish accent?

23:19 Dr. Bruce Come on, dude, he wants me to keep the phone down here.

23:22 Adam Where is it? Is it in your clothes?

23:24 Dr. Bruce Hello? Okay, do you want me to put the phone back up down here or what?

23:28 Adam Is there cord attached to it so it doesn't get lost?

23:31 Dr. Bruce No, it's the cordless.

23:33 Adam Uh-oh, baby, yeah, put it...

23:34 Dr. Bruce It's got this great antenna. See, I'm going to be out of furniture soon. This is crazy.

23:40 Adam She's going to be where?

23:42 Dr. Bruce On the furniture.

23:43 Adam Oh, you're going to be humping the furniture.

23:45 Dr. Bruce Basically, if I don't do something quickly.

23:47 Adam Yeah, you're going to kill yourself with a grandfather clock.

23:50 Dr. Bruce And I wonder, you know, maybe I'm coming towards this time when women are supposed to be so horny.

23:56 Adam Yes, yes, oh, I'd say you're there. I don't think you're coming toward it.

24:00 Dr. Bruce Natalia, do you act out on these feelings with other men or women?

24:04 Dr. Bruce Well, no, because I'm afraid of germs, like not germs, like, you know, bacteria like this, but, you know, scary things like the AIDS and, you know.

24:17 Adam Meanwhile, she's put a flashlight up her on the road. She's scared of bacteria.

24:23 Dr. Bruce That's when I trust.

24:24 Adam All right.

24:25 Dr. Bruce Listen, I never know if these calls are serious, but what you're describing can be helped. But if you see a therapist, therapist working with a psychiatrist and prescribing some medication.

24:34 Adam All right. Go to the head doctor.

24:37 Dr. Bruce Yeah, I don't think she should start with the essay meetings. I think she needs to start with the psychiatrist.

24:41 Adam We will take a little break. We're going to masturbate.

24:44 Dr. Bruce And I'll watch.

24:45 Adam We'll be back with Joey, who's 21 and doesn't want to lose his virginity. We'll talk him out of his virginity after this. Oh yeah, yeah, no, no, don't stop. Yeah, baby, come on now. Come on, Daddy's coming. Daddy's coming! Daddy's coming home! Dip Loveline on the Adam Carolla. That is Dr. Spaz over there. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-19.

25:18 Dr. Bruce Hey, why didn't I get invited to a party?

25:21 Adam Why?

25:21 Caller Did Drew go?

25:23 Adam I invited Drew to my party.

25:24 Dr. Bruce He didn't go.

25:25 Adam We were just talking during the commercial. My dad is pissed off. I didn't tell him I had a New Year's Eve party. But he wouldn't have gone, so I didn't tell him.

25:33 Dr. Bruce He's just a dick.

25:35 Adam Now he's pissed. He says, I know I wouldn't have gone, but why didn't you tell me?

25:40 Dr. Bruce But your dad is diametrically opposite of you. He's quiet. He's nice. He's got thoughtful. What?

25:48 Adam He reads.

25:49 Dr. Bruce He takes walks.

25:49 Adam He reads and takes walks. My dad is in a constant state of reflection. I was talking to him. He said, I'm 70. I said, Dad, what did you do on New Year's Eve? Stayed home and watch a little TV, went to bed at 930. I said, I'm shocked. Of course, I know you wouldn't leave the house. He said, well, I'm 70. You know, when you're 70 years old, that's what you do. I said, Dad, you were 70 years old when you were 45. You're 95 now, brother. Are you kidding me?

26:22 Dr. Bruce It's great to live to the age where they told you, you'll be just like, you'll see when you're my age.

26:26 Adam Well, listen, I'm 35. I don't leave the house now. So unless there's a big motorsport going on.

26:33 Dr. Bruce Well, with your pornographic library there.

26:35 Adam I was at the car show again today, by the way.

26:38 Dr. Bruce When?

26:39 Adam I've been to the car show twice now, and it's been open for two days.

26:43 Dr. Bruce I was going to go after tattoo today.

26:46 Adam That's hardcore, buddy. Joey?

26:49 Hello?

26:50 Adam Joey, you're 21. What's up?

26:52 Caller What's up, bro?

26:53 Adam What do you need?

26:54 Caller Okay, listen, I don't know what is wrong with me. Every girl I know tells me I'm hot. You know, I'm in shape. I'm buff, all that good stuff. You know, I'm a go-go dancer at the club. I get girls all over me all the time. But still, literally, if I'm on a date or, you know...

27:10 Adam Hold on a second, how does this go-go dancing work?

27:14 Caller You ever heard of Club Rio, Las Vegas?

27:16 Adam Yeah.

27:17 Caller I'm a male go-go dancer.

27:19 Adam I see.

27:19 Caller Like on top stage, you know, you got the girls, the guys.

27:22 Adam Right. What are you wearing?

27:24 Caller Right now?

27:25 Adam No, I'm not gonna... Yeah, babe. No, no, slow down, slow down, brother.

27:30 Caller Okay, okay. I like clubs.

27:32 Adam What do those panties smell like?

27:33 Caller A silky suit or shirt, sometimes jeans or leather pants.

27:38 Adam I see.

27:38 Caller You know.

27:39 Adam So you got kind of a Ricky Martin thing going?

27:41 Caller Kind of, but buffer.

27:42 Adam You're gay. I see. And so you're dancing. Do you get tips?

27:47 Caller Huh?

27:47 Adam Do you get tips?

27:48 Caller No, no one's allowed up there, just to go and go dancing.

27:50 Adam I see. But when you, after your, after your shift, when the women find out...

27:55 Caller Oh, yeah, I go, girls are like all over to go get answers, no matter who you are.

27:57 Adam Right, right. And you're, they're in Vegas and they're drunk and it's a devil may care attitude.

28:03 Caller But no matter about it, even if I'm on a regular day with a girl, anybody like from somewhere else, like just say first time day, wine or diner, we go out, you know, usually got a hotel room. I always stay in the suite or something. I take it in my room. Like I always start off with a massage, you know, you know, and then I try to go for the gold. But next thing you know, I like throw it off for me. I like tell her I got to get the high guy.

28:25 Adam Right. All right. You're gay. Hold on, Drew. Drew may have a point, but let's just keep talking.

28:31 Caller I'm not gay.

28:33 Adam You're not gay, but maybe you're bi? No.

28:37 Caller No, it's just sex scares me.

28:39 Adam I see. And you're 21 years old and you're a virgin.

28:42 Caller Yeah, pretty much.

28:43 Adam Why do you think that is?

28:44 Caller Why?

28:45 Adam Yeah, I mean.

28:46 Caller Okay, it starts, it's kind of different. I always want, like not until a few years ago, actually, I always wanted to wait till I got married.

28:53 Adam Okay.

28:54 Caller You know, but I never met like a girl like I liked enough to do it with. All these, these are just like one night stand girls kind of thing, you know?

29:01 Adam Where's your mom?

29:02 My mom?

29:03 Caller San Diego.

29:05 Adam Do you love her?

29:07 Caller Yeah. Why not? Who doesn't?

29:09 Adam Do you have any problems with your mom?

29:12 Caller No problems, but we don't really talk about them. I don't have like the greatest relationship.

29:17 Adam Why not?

29:18 Caller I don't know. I've always been like, ever since I was young, moved out, you know, self-independent. I come from a big family. I'm like the youngest guy.

29:26 Adam You got lost in the shuffle.

29:28 Caller Yeah, I'd say so. Why not?

29:30 Adam Yeah, and you never felt that bond with your mom.

29:33 Caller Not really. They don't like me anyways.

29:36 Adam There you go. So, my point is, these are good Catholic, God-fearing people, and you're humiliating the family by shaking your tan ass in front of a bunch of drunk people from Iowa.

29:48 Caller What's wrong with that? It's quite a life.

29:52 Adam Right. Some den of sin on top of the Rio Hotel in Vegas. But listen, Joey, I'm getting the vibe that you're having difficulty connecting with a woman, that you're scared to connect with a woman, and you only date women who you consider trashy or one night stands. To be intimate with a woman would be to connect with a woman and you're scared to connect. You're reluctant.

30:17 I think so, but I don't know.

30:18 Adam Obviously. Is there anything wrong with your penis?

30:21 Caller No, it's huge. It's everything.

30:23 Adam I see. Hold on a second. I want to kill this guy. Big muscles, huge penis, chicks chasing him, getting paid to shake his ass in Vegas. I was cleaning carpets when I was 21, for Christ's sake, with a bunch of illegals in a colony kitchen in Conejo. What's that?

30:41 Caller Okay. The thing about the getting married thing, right?

30:44 Adam Yeah.

30:45 Caller Okay. This is the funny thing. I went to a psychic. I was in the San Diego village, right?

30:50 Adam Yeah.

30:51 Caller They had like this lady psychic thing. She had the card and the deck and all that good stuff.

30:54 Adam Oh, yeah.

30:55 Caller She told me like this big, huge, you know, bull story. I'm going to be like successful in all these houses all over the world or something like that. And she told me kind of the same thing, like I don't want to connect with a woman. But the thing with getting married and having the sex, I don't understand. What's up with that?

31:10 Adam Okay. Listen, Joey, forget about sex. Replace the word sex with connection. You're scared to be intimate with a woman. Not have intercourse with a woman, but connect with a woman.

31:22 Caller Find a new position that's called intimacy.

31:24 Adam Thank you, Drew. And you got to relax a little with this. You understand? Don't think of sex. Find a woman who you're genuinely interested in, not who's just hot, not who you just like to get in the sack and then not do anything with her while she's in the sack. Find someone you actually enjoy on a personal level and just take it slow and leave yourself open and see where it goes. And if you start freaking out and wanting to run away, stay in it. Don't you agree? Seems like he's having a little trouble connecting.

31:55 Dr. Bruce Yeah. And I think I'm not sure he understands why you were asking about his mother and the connection with being raised in a family where...

32:03 Adam His mom's great except for they don't talk and she doesn't like him. And he never really knew her.

32:08 Dr. Bruce So, I was going to suggest if he could... He sounds pretty concrete the way he understands...

32:13 Adam Well, he's 21. He's a go-go dancer for Christ's sake. What do you want?

32:17 Dr. Bruce But again, that goes along with the... He's able to extrovert himself and then...

32:22 Adam Buh. Buh. Buh. All right. So, what was...

32:26 Dr. Bruce What was I let you answer this?

32:26 Adam What was your goddamn point? You had no point.

32:29 Dr. Bruce Yes, I did. In that industry, there are many people that can't connect on an intimate level.

32:34 Adam In the gaming industry?

32:36 Dr. Bruce In the gaming industry.

32:37 Buh.

32:38 Dr. Bruce Buh.

32:38 Buh.

32:39 Adam Ben? Yeah? You're 18.

32:42 Caller I am.

32:43 Adam What's up?

32:44 Caller About 8 inches. Oh.

32:45 Adam Fantastic. Do you have a question, Jackoff?

32:48 Caller No, I'm just kidding.

32:50 Caller I don't know if you remember or not, I called about 3 months ago.

32:53 Adam Oh, yeah.

32:54 Dr. Bruce That's right. Whatever. I even remember.

32:56 Adam What was your problem?

32:57 Caller Tom Arnold was on the show.

32:59 Adam Tom Arnold. Yes, I have every call cataloged in my calculator for a brain. I want to do something special on your wedding night.

33:08 Caller Have you ever licked his butt?

33:09 Adam Yes. Now, it's all coming back to me. So, restate your problem, please.

33:14 Caller Well, I slept with my cousin one time, and she was in town for a while. She went home. Since then, I took your advice and we cut it off.

33:24 Adam Right.

33:25 Caller She was sort of mad about the whole thing.

33:26 Adam Sure.

33:27 Caller And then, I get a phone call from her today, and she thinks she might be pregnant.

33:32 Adam I see.

33:33 Caller I don't know what she's done or what she's, what the thing she's, you know.

33:37 Adam You say this was three months ago. When's the last time you slept with her?

33:41 Caller Three months ago.

33:42 Dr. Bruce And she thinks she might be pregnant.

33:44 Caller Yeah.

33:45 Adam And...

33:46 Dr. Bruce How big is she?

33:47 Caller Yeah.

33:47 Adam I mean, don't you think, now, wouldn't she have missed her period for a couple of months?

33:53 Caller You'd think so.

33:54 Dr. Bruce Yeah. You'd be vomiting all over the place.

33:56 Adam Did you question her about it?

33:58 Caller Well, I tried to call her back.

33:59 Caller I got a message on the answering machine.

34:02 Adam Uh-huh. Bruce, when you get pregnant, how long after you actually get pregnant do you start with the morning sickness, usually?

34:10 Dr. Bruce Oh, a few weeks for some people.

34:13 Adam So, a few weeks at a time?

34:14 Dr. Bruce But not everybody gets it. But not everybody gets it. Yeah. I was just being...

34:17 Adam But how else do you know? You get morning sickness. You miss your period.

34:21 Dr. Bruce You know...

34:21 Adam Is there anything else?

34:22 Dr. Bruce Being a woman, no. They'll say, I remember...

34:25 Adam But listen, 16-year-old chicks who were molested by their dad for four years don't necessarily know when they're pregnant for the first time.

34:33 Dr. Bruce It's... I've had a patient come in the emergency room in labor telling me that this is abdominal pain for some other... Some people don't know they're pregnant until they're in labor. So...

34:43 Adam That's gonna make one hell of a mom, by the way. Someone who's giving birth, who doesn't know she's pregnant.

34:47 Dr. Bruce Oh, it was amazing.

34:48 Adam Was she amazingly overweight?

34:50 Dr. Bruce Amazingly overweight. And mom was a minister. And she was a virgin.

34:54 Adam Were you down in that crotch area?

34:57 Dr. Bruce I couldn't...

34:58 Adam Yeah. Oh my God. Imagine you got a 400-pound chick with a, you know, 60 square feet of Hymen down there who claims she's a virgin. Pumping out a kid. I mean, what?

35:12 Dr. Bruce I was listening real carefully to her abdomen and I couldn't get it to be still and I'm hearing this much more rapid heartbeat. Mom's a Baptist minister. The girl's a virgin. It's one of the first times I had ever moonlight. I was working in New York.

35:25 Adam How is the girl a virgin when she's nine months pregnant? Well... This is mom's claim?

35:30 Dr. Bruce Yeah. And the girl's claim. No, it turned out she... So I told the mom, I said, you're not going to believe this, but I think this is labor, not an acute abdomen, not an emergency abdominal thing. And she went off a little bit.

35:45 Adam Mom did? Mom did. Well, how did she get... What happened? Did she get raped?

35:48 Dr. Bruce Yeah. She was attacked. And then I said...

35:50 Adam And she didn't want to say anything?

35:51 Dr. Bruce Yeah. I said, did anything happen to you about nine months ago?

35:54 Adam Like did you trip and land on a penis about nine months ago? And how old was she?

36:00 Dr. Bruce She said there was no penetration. She was about 22.

36:02 Adam Wow. This guy's good. No penetration. That's a good shot.

36:05 Dr. Bruce So mom wants to know my credentials and how long I've been practicing.

36:09 Adam And what...

36:09 Dr. Bruce She delivered two hours later.

36:10 Adam She did.

36:11 Dr. Bruce The OB nurse adopted the kid.

36:12 Adam How big was her? How big was she?

36:15 Dr. Bruce She was pushing 350, 375.

36:18 Adam Oh, that... I'll tell you. There's one reason I'm not a doctor, one of many. 350 pound Baptist chicks who got raped nine months ago coming in thinking they got a goiter. And it turns out they have a son. Oh, and were you between her legs delivering that mess?

36:36 Dr. Bruce No, but I was relieved that there was a pregnancy there because no, she wouldn't let me do a pelvic. So I had, you know, she wouldn't let you do a pelvic.

36:43 Adam Why? Because she was religion?

36:46 Dr. Bruce No, why do a pelvic if I've never been, never had sex type thing.

36:50 Adam All right.

36:50 Dr. Bruce So.

36:51 Adam All right. Listen.

36:51 Dr. Bruce And then the obstetrician was at the ball game and was like, all right.

36:55 Adam What's Ben need to do here? Yeah. What does it say?

36:58 Caller She is pregnant.

36:58 Adam Yeah.

36:59 Caller What do you think I should do?

37:00 Adam I don't think it's your kid. But if your kid, if it's your kid, then you're going to have to see what she wants to do. I mean, if it's your kid, she's got to be three months pregnant.

37:09 Dr. Bruce I feel like the guy last night wait for the amniocentesis and then decide about the abortion.

37:14 Adam Find out how far along she is.

37:16 Dr. Bruce Yeah. But there's some issues about having sex with your cousin. And...

37:19 Adam All right. But we're past that.

37:20 Dr. Bruce Well, there's some issues you should explore about having sex with your cousin. That's... Why not? It's a social taboo in this country, just so Ben knows. That's a problem. Secondly...

37:30 Adam Yeah. Ben knows that. But now it's time to get on to the pregnancy.

37:32 Dr. Bruce One of the reasons that it's a taboo is because of the genetic problems you get into. So...

37:36 Adam Yes, Dr. Spass. But, you know, the genetic problems aren't that big a deal, I hear.

37:42 Dr. Bruce Well, the possibility of that's there.

37:44 Adam Listen, here's the worst genetic problem. You have two parents who are related, who decide it was a good idea to have sex with.

37:50 Dr. Bruce I hope they...

37:51 Adam That's the weak genetic pool.

37:52 Dr. Bruce I hope they understand.

37:53 Adam Were you drunk? You have two retards breeding.

37:56 Oh.

37:56 Adam Ben?

37:57 Yeah?

37:58 Adam Okay. I don't know what the answer to this is, and there's no easy answer to this one. I would call her up and question her.

38:04 Dr. Bruce How old is she?

38:05 She's 16.

38:06 Adam Oh, you genius. Find out if she's had sex with anybody else. Find out how far along she is. Okay. Tell her to go down to Planned Parenthood and get a test and not just take one of these home tests and find out more information and then call us back.

38:25 Dr. Bruce Are you on good terms on that side of the family? Does your father have a gun or anything?

38:29 Adam Not that I...

38:30 Dr. Bruce Are you concerned about... Are you concerned about...

38:32 Adam He's concerned.

38:33 Dr. Bruce No, I know he's concerned.

38:34 Adam I know. But listen, don't ask those retarded questions.

38:38 Dr. Bruce He may be unwilling to do what he really needs to do. He needs to get involved. Abortion? A 16-year-old is going to have a huge difficulty dealing with a situation like that.

38:49 Adam I know, but he's an idiot. He's young. What's he going to do? He's got to find out whether she's pregnant.

38:54 Dr. Bruce Drive her to Planned Parenthood.

38:56 Adam She's in another country. How far away is she?

39:00 Caller She lives actually in Milwaukee.

39:02 Adam Oh, man. So she's at least 370 miles away from you.

39:06 Caller Yeah.

39:08 Adam Is this a... Where are you calling from?

39:10 Caller I'm in 29 Palms.

39:11 Adam Oh, my. Holy Christ. You couldn't get there if you owned a rocket ship.

39:15 Dr. Bruce Are you in the military?

39:16 Caller Yeah, in the Marines.

39:19 Adam Do they have a base in Milwaukee you could be transferred to? All right. Hey, Ben, call her up. Get all the information. Call us back. Okay. All right, because I don't know if she's praying or not in three months since he's had sex with her last. Maybe she had sex with someone else. Maybe another cousin. Maybe an aunt or an uncle. We'll take ourselves a break. We'll be back. Loveline, I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Bruce. You know, Ms. Loveline, Dr. Spaz. He's filling in for Dr. Drew.

39:51 Dr. Bruce You know, I couldn't be less spastic.

39:54 Adam Oh, no.

39:54 Dr. Bruce On the other hand, your names, for me, it's like when I walk on the psych unit to do a history and physical. They call me Jesus Christ. They call me the rapist. I don't care. I pay no attention when it's a demented mind that's a source of the...

40:06 Adam Sure.

40:07 Dr. Bruce And your mind is no less demented. You just have more money than those people.

40:10 Whatever his twisted mind believes, that is wrong.

40:13 Adam Yeah. I don't know about the Jesus Christ part, but the rapist. Maybe on to something there. Now, you are the very definition of spaz. And that's not a bad thing. Well, I should have started this. Not a bad thing. But Anderson, back me up. Bruce is spazzy.

40:29 I love Bruce.

40:31 Adam I love Bruce too, because we all know we could kick his ass.

40:33 Caller Oh!

40:35 Adam And he's the only guy I know who puts 11 sweet and lows in his coffee. I mean, here's the thing about sweet and low for any of you who have ever enjoyed sweet and low. It makes your drink taste sweet, but you have to ration it out, because if you put more than, let's say, three quarters of a packet into like an eight ounce coffee cup, it starts to taste bitter at a certain point. If you put, like, if you got a sweet and low and you're putting in an iced tea, and you have, you know, 16-22 ounces, you have a big iced tea, you put one packet of sweet and low, and it's just about right.

41:09 Dr. Bruce Oh, I put twice as much.

41:10 Adam But you got a coffee mug there with six and a half ounces of coffee in it, you just put six sweeten, how many sweeten lows did you put into that coffee?

41:18 Dr. Bruce I mean, it's my second round.

41:19 Adam This is one, two, oh, wait a minute, these open? These aren't open. Okay, here's the cards is one, two, three, four sweeten lows into, I put some more in before that. Into about five ounces of liquid. There's actually more in volume. There's more sweeten low than there is actual coffee in that cup.

41:42 Dr. Bruce Carolla, don't read more into this than is there.

41:44 Adam Doesn't that just taste bitter now?

41:46 Dr. Bruce No, because that's more of a genetic thing. Not everybody tastes the bitterness and therefore.

41:51 Adam No, everybody, everybody.

41:53 Dr. Bruce Secondly, do you ever drink a soda?

41:55 Adam Don't get into this. There's 12.

41:57 Dr. Bruce Yeah, how many teaspoons of sugar in a soda?

41:59 Adam No, you bring that up every time you retard.

42:01 Dr. Bruce I'm going to have a little TV set in your house because I broadcast Adam Corolla, you're drinking 12 teaspoons of sugar.

42:07 Adam I don't drink coke, Dan.

42:09 Dr. Bruce It doesn't matter.

42:13 Adam Caller goes by the name of Dan. Yes, there you go.

42:16 Dr. Bruce Dan, you want to be the doctor on the show for a while?

42:18 Adam Please.

42:19 What's up?

42:21 First of all, Adam, man shows, rocks.

42:24 Thank you.

42:25 Adam Sunday night.

42:26 Dr. Bruce Do your parents let you listen to that?

42:29 Adam It's on TV. You can watch it too.

42:31 Dr. Bruce I think it's on the religious rights list.

42:33 Adam Dan, you're 15. What is your question?

42:37 Caller Yeah, me and my girlfriend have been going out for about three months now, and we wanted to wait a year before we started having sex, but things have progressed a little, so.

42:48 Adam Sure. You've narrowed it down to four days.

42:53 Caller Something like that.

42:53 Dr. Bruce How old's your girlfriend?

42:54 Caller 15.

42:55 Dr. Bruce Okay.

42:56 Adam Yeah. Hey, you know, you're in good shape as a guy whenever you have that, when are we going to have sex discussion, even if it's a year from now? At least you're actually having the hypothetical sex discussion with the girl, which means if they're having it with you, you're in way under a year. But anyway, now what do you want to do? You're having sex.

43:17 Caller No, we haven't had sex yet.

43:18 Adam I see.

43:18 Caller We're going to.

43:19 Adam I see.

43:20 Caller The next time she comes over and.

43:22 Adam Yes. Okay. Okay, Dan, what do you want us to do? Send you out a sweatshirt?

43:27 Boring.

43:29 Caller That wasn't exactly the question I wanted to ask you, actually.

43:32 Adam Great.

43:32 Caller She knows that I'm really into anal sex and stuff.

43:35 Adam Well, sure. What virgin isn't? I remember when I was a virgin, I couldn't get enough of the cornhole.

43:42 Dr. Bruce What do you mean you're really into, how does she know you're really into anal? You've had anal sex before?

43:47 Caller No.

43:47 Dr. Bruce Okay. But that's something you're interested in?

43:51 Caller That's, there's a bunch of questions here because.

43:53 Adam Yeah. All right.

43:54 Go ahead, buddy.

43:56 Caller Well, when I was about four years old, my cousin had me do some stuff to him. He gave me oral sex and he told me to basically give him anal sex.

44:09 Adam How old's your cousin?

44:10 Caller He's about five years older than me.

44:12 Adam I see. What's he doing now? Is he into politics or?

44:17 Caller He's jobless.

44:18 Adam I see. So were you able to do something to him at four years old?

44:26 Caller As much as I could, I guess.

44:27 Adam I see.

44:28 Caller I was really confused at the time. I didn't know what the heck was going on.

44:31 Adam No, it's not your fault, but obviously it has warped you to some degree. Right.

44:34 Dr. Bruce The confusion continues. You're still confused.

44:37 Caller Yeah.

44:37 Dr. Bruce Your preoccupation with anal sex at this point likely has something to do with that. When you're sexualized prematurely like that, it tends to force or your mind tends to focus on sexuality in regards to things that are not related. So you are making a mistake getting sexually involved with your girlfriend at this age, first of all. A 15-year-old girl does not process the having sex is not what it is to somebody like Adam, who is an adult and I was done with sex five years ago. Yeah. So the reason people don't encourage you to have sex and discourage it at your age is because it really complicates your life. You're not really all right. You're ready for it physically, but mentally you're not.

45:20 Caller And secondly, another thing now. Yeah.

45:23 Adam Listen, Dan, whatever happened to you, you need to work on, but you can't work on it from behind your girlfriend.

45:30 Caller Yeah, but see, it's not just me, because she was like raped when she was 12.

45:33 Adam Okay. Another good reason why you guys need to slow down. I'm glad you found each other. I'm glad you're in love and you have something in common. You're both raped by family members. That's quaint.

45:45 Dr. Bruce Common American problem.

45:46 Adam But you both need to seek out a little therapy and sort things out. Don't just start getting into sex. You will get her pregnant and then you will have two of the world's worst and most confused parents raising this poor child who will be birthed through the anus, if I'm not mistaken. I didn't pass biology, but I know that I can do the math on this one. But all right. Therapy, therapy, and more therapy. Your cousin molested you when you were young. We're going to take a little break. I'm going to molest Dr. Bruce and we'll be back after this.

46:17 Twinkie Hole, baby!

46:21 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191 Back in a minute.

46:37 Adam Dr. Drew Loveline, Fast-Growing Outlaw Radio Show North America.

46:42 Caller Yeah!

46:45 Dr. Bruce Whoo!

46:46 Adam That's good radio. Usually, I blow it by saying Southern California, and it makes it a regional thing, but this time I hit North America. That's good.

46:55 Dr. Bruce You did a good job.

46:56 Adam That is speaking of a good job, Dr. Drew is not here tonight. Dr. Bruce is here filling in for him. Dr. Bruce is very qualified.

47:07 Dr. Bruce Dr. Drew briefs me whenever he leaves on whatever psychotic episode you're having at the current time.

47:14 Adam He has you watch his briefs before he leaves.

47:16 Dr. Bruce No, we're going to publish a medical paper about you.

47:19 Adam That's good.

47:19 Dr. Bruce The adolescent mind trapped in the adult body.

47:22 Adam Yeah, everyone will read that.

47:23 Dr. Bruce You project all your problems to other people. You feel like you're on stage all the time, just like a typical TV.

47:29 Adam Just because you're some cartoon character with your five sweet and lows and your four and a half ounces of coffee, don't you project that on to me? How dare you attack my character on the air? Anyway, Dr. Bruce is just as qualified as Dr. Drew, although as I've always said, you wouldn't know it by looking at him or talking to him or being examined.

47:50 Dr. Bruce Can't judge a book by its cover.

47:51 Adam No, you certainly cannot or by the pages inside. He is. He's board certified, right?

47:57 Dr. Bruce Oh, yeah.

47:58 Adam Addiction medicine specialist.

47:59 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

48:00 Adam Emergency medicine specialist.

48:02 Dr. Bruce Internal medicine.

48:02 Adam An internal medicine. He went to a very prestigious college that no one has heard of. But he claims that was at Northern Illinois University.

48:12 Dr. Bruce No, Andrews University.

48:13 Adam Andrews.

48:14 Dr. Bruce What about Loma Linda University? Want to make some comments about it?

48:16 Adam No, I've never heard of that one either. Andrews University.

48:20 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

48:21 Adam In Michigan.

48:22 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

48:23 Adam I bet you got a lot of chicks over there. Oh, my God. Was that big party school Andrews University?

48:30 Dr. Bruce You've got this local snobbery, the LA snobbery.

48:33 Adam That's right.

48:33 Dr. Bruce You're like the people in college that thought all the Canadians took dog sleds to the border. Stupid Americans.

48:41 Adam Aaron?

48:42 Caller Huh?

48:43 Adam Aaron, you have no idea what he's talking about. I've learned just to ignore him and move on. Aaron?

48:48 Caller Just like this, I'm a long-time listener, first-time caller, and I know that there's a lot of people out there that just talk to hear the sound of their voice, but you and Drew and you guys just know your stuff, and I'd just like to say thanks. Yeah, whatever.

49:02 Adam Well, thank you. Thank you.

49:04 Caller You've helped a lot of people, so.

49:05 Adam You know, it's calls like this and my enormous paycheck that keep me going, keep me showing up each and every night. What's your question, Aaron?

49:14 Caller Well, I've been kind of studying myself and listening to my body and stuff, and I think it's telling me that I might have a social anxiety disorder.

49:24 Adam I see.

49:25 Caller I'd like to know where something like this could come from and how I could possibly take care of that.

49:30 Adam How do you mean studying your body?

49:32 Caller Well, it's not only studying it, but putting myself into certain places and feeling what my body is telling me, like my body temperature. Because when I get in certain places, I get my body temperature rises, I start sweating, I get nervous, I start stuttering and stuff. I just kind of run for the less crowded place or even go to the bathroom and splash water on my face and give it a second guess.

50:00 Adam Let's see, where would those places be? Outdoors, outside of your home?

50:04 Caller Yeah, well any place that I'm not comfortable.

50:07 Adam Crowds, malls, things like that?

50:09 Caller Yeah.

50:10 Dr. Bruce That's how I feel when I'm doing a show.

50:11 Adam Movie theaters?

50:13 Caller I haven't actually been to one of those.

50:14 Adam Never?

50:15 Caller No, haven't been to a bar, haven't been to a nudie bar, nothing like that.

50:20 Adam Well now, now I'm ready. Listen, if I was 21 and hadn't been to a nudie bar yet, I'd be a medevac down in my apartment. All right, you probably have a little little anxiety disorder.

50:32 Caller But would that be like progressed with like a form of depression or anything like that?

50:38 Dr. Bruce Yeah, anxiety.

50:39 Adam You sound depressed.

50:40 Caller Low self-esteem or?

50:42 Adam All of the above.

50:43 Dr. Bruce Okay, that's a different area. What you're describing, anxiety disorders, depression, these things do go together and some people have more family members than others that have related disorders. I don't know if you have a family history of any of these things, but typically they do bloom. They come out and show themselves at approximately your age. It's not unusual. So it's something that can be, it's very well treated these days. You see a therapist. They usually work in conjunction with a psychiatrist and the appropriate medication is given along with regular therapy and things like, it doesn't sound like you're having discrete panic attacks. It sounds like it's more of a generalized thing.

51:26 Caller Yeah.

51:27 Adam All right. So, Aaron, you need to get yourself, you need to muster the courage to get out of the house long enough to consult with a therapist or a psychiatrist and they'll give you some nice pills and you'll feel much better.

51:40 Caller But it's nothing that I could like work through like myself. So I'd actually have to...

51:45 Adam I don't think so. Well, because you probably would have.

51:48 Dr. Bruce What the therapist will do is work with you on techniques to work through yourself. Okay, that's one of the things that happens. But it's... Most people do not do well on their own just trying to figure out how to overcome this type of problem.

52:03 Adam Hey, Aaron?

52:05 Caller Yeah?

52:05 Adam Well, why bother? There are people out there and medications out there that can help you immediately. You don't have to struggle with this. All right?

52:13 Caller Okay.

52:14 Adam All right.

52:14 Caller Thank you.

52:15 Adam Yeah, go take care of yourself.

52:16 Dr. Bruce Good insight, Bill.

52:17 Adam You're worth it, all right, buddy?

52:19 Caller Yeah.

52:20 Adam Okay. Let me tell you something.

52:22 Dr. Bruce Not many loyal listeners today.

52:24 Adam You do what I do. Every morning, you wake up, you look in the mirror, you say, you're good enough, you're strong enough, you're handsome enough, you're tall enough, you're smart enough, and then you jack off and take a nap.

52:36 Dr. Bruce Is this while you're masturbating or?

52:37 Adam Well, this is just before. This is what gets the blood to my penis, and then I crawl back into bed and unplug the phone.

52:44 Dr. Bruce So you avoid any reality that would reflect otherwise, that you're a big-mouthed, nasty loser that gets in the radio and bullies people and poor doctors like me.

52:54 Adam Let me tell you something. I'll pick up the phone to call Dr. Marcel right now and come over here to the pajamas and finish the show, wise ass.

53:02 Dr. Bruce I really do, however, recognize your comedic genius.

53:05 Adam Thank you. Suspicious. Thank you. Melissa? Hello? You know, I really think, I really don't take this the wrong way, Bruce, but I know Drew's little plan. His biggest fear is getting a competent replacement for himself while he's out. You are an asshole. So he gives me Dr. Spaz, and then by the time he comes back, I'm actually glad he's here. That's his plan.

53:28 Dr. Bruce He's a sharp guy.

53:29 Adam He's very, very smart. Why not? He's eliminating the competition. There are probably thousands of guys who could do this job as good as he, but he sends me Dr. Spaz and Dr. Marcel, and everyone, and then I'm begging for the guy to come back after four days.

53:42 Caller Oh, man, I beg to differ.

53:45 Dr. Bruce I'm almost ready to tell you the secret that Drew and I share, but that we're regulating your medication through your coffee every Loveline when you take that drink, so I need to be here. Then we commiserate and decide how much Haldol you need in that coffee every night.

53:58 Adam I see. Melissa?

54:00 Dr. Bruce Hello?

54:00 Adam You're, what are you, 16?

54:02 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

54:03 What's up?

54:04 Dr. Bruce Recently, I've had this friend, and we've been friends for like three months, and talking on the phone, and going out to the movies, and just recently this Friday, I ended up drinking in the room, we ended up in the room, and we were like kissing and touching and stuff, and while that was happening, I was having flashbacks of my grandpa, and I thought that I went to therapy, and you know, handled all that stuff, and I just want to know, why am I having flashbacks, and because like now I feel really, really, really dirty.

54:32 Adam I see. Your grandfather molested you?

54:35 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

54:35 Adam How old were you?

54:36 Dr. Bruce I was for like five years, so I was five, five to ten.

54:41 Adam Oh, is he dead yet?

54:43 Dr. Bruce Yeah, he died when I was ten. That's why it stopped.

54:45 Adam Oh, he dead? Oh, great.

54:47 Dr. Bruce There is a God.

54:47 Adam Oh yeah, I would love to dance a little jig on that old F's grave. Fantastic. I hope he died a painful death.

54:55 Dr. Bruce No, he didn't. He died when he was asleep.

54:57 Adam Oh, really? No one hit him with a candlestick while he was sleeping or anything? No, that's nice. And you have wonderful, wonderful parents who were letting you be molested for five years.

55:07 No, they're drug addicts.

55:09 Adam Fantastic. I see.

55:10 Dr. Bruce Okay, one of the reasons you go to therapy is to work through these type of things. And when you don't get therapy many times or always, you return to the behavior or the pathology that started things off.

55:24 Adam She did get therapy.

55:25 Dr. Bruce But she got therapy, but she's with an older guy. I mean, she's 16. This guy's 27.

55:30 Adam Oh, the guy's 27? Yeah. Holy Christ.

55:34 Dr. Bruce So one of the issues here is naturally that is going to bring back these memories because a 27-year-old guy and you're 16, that's molestate. You're being molested. Now, you may feel like you're old enough to handle it, but that's not the case.

55:46 Adam What did you do with the guy?

55:48 Dr. Bruce Just like, touch him. I guess he kind of finger-wringed me and things like that.

55:54 Adam Well, who says she'll volerase dad? And okay, listen, Melissa, I'll tell you a couple of things that I'm hanging up, all right?

56:00 Dr. Bruce Okay.

56:01 Adam Okay, this guy, he's not your friend. He's a criminal. He's an animal. He's a victimizer. He sees you as a good victim, and he's capitalizing on what your grandfather started 10 years ago, okay? Okay. Number two, who's screaming in the background?

56:17 Dr. Bruce That's my sister's son.

56:19 Adam Oh, boy. How old is she? 14?

56:22 Dr. Bruce She's 20.

56:23 Adam And she has a kid?

56:24 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

56:24 Adam And she had the same drug addict parents and Melissa for her grandfather?

56:28 Dr. Bruce How old's the dad?

56:29 Dr. Bruce Yeah, my mom promoted her tomb.

56:30 Adam Fantastic.

56:31 Dr. Bruce My dad is 24.

56:33 Dr. Bruce That's better.

56:34 Adam And is the dad around?

56:35 Dr. Bruce Yeah, he's around.

56:36 Adam I don't trust him. What's he into?

56:40 Dr. Bruce Who, my dad?

56:41 Adam No, her, your nephew's dad. What does he do? Does he work construction?

56:45 Dr. Bruce No, he works in a factory. He makes like perfumes and stuff like that.

56:48 Adam I see. All right.

56:51 Dr. Bruce Listen, do you understand what we're saying about your-

56:54 Adam Keep an eye on that guy and protect that nephew of yours.

56:57 Dr. Bruce Okay.

56:58 Dr. Bruce Okay. But do you understand what's going on now is it's not you're in a normal relationship bringing back memories. You're having the same thing happen as when your grandfather molested you. Does that make any sense?

57:09 Dr. Bruce Yeah, it makes a lot of sense. I wanted to know, like, how could I tell him? Because we have mutual friends and I don't want to lose those friends.

57:15 Adam No, don't listen. If they're friends who don't understand what you're doing with this guy, then they're not your friends. So here's the deal. You don't have to sit him down and have a discussion with him. You just do what every chick did to me when I was 16. You blow me off. He calls you, you don't return the call.

57:34 Caller I'm avoiding his phone calls right now.

57:35 Adam Good. He calls and you pick up the phone, you talk for a minute, then you say your nephew's crying. You got to go. You'll call him back later. You'll hang up and you don't call back. Eventually, he gets the message and he moves on to his next victim. Meanwhile, you get back into therapy because what your grandfather did to you is not going to be rectified or not going to be fixed by a couple of months of therapy. This is five years of torture.

58:00 Dr. Bruce Another critical thing that we'd be remiss for not mentioning is a substance issue here. Many people who have had molestation occur, they get into trouble with drugs and alcohol. She also has parents that had drug and alcohol issues and there's the genetics. She's got a double whammy. Yes, and please do not drink British drugs.

58:18 Adam Don't get pregnant and that too. What is this grandfather having at his granddaughter? Could there be any sicker F in the world?

58:27 Dr. Bruce You know what I mean?

58:28 Adam I'd rather hang out with the guy who murdered a few people. I really would. I would classify a guy who went at his granddaughter sexually as much more morally bankrupt than a guy who's killed three to five people.

58:44 Dr. Bruce Right. It's something that makes your blood boil. But it's interesting. We're just talking during the break. 85% of sexual abuse of that type, the perpetrator is under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

58:54 Adam Yes. Jay?

58:56 Caller Yeah. I thought I had big trouble, but I don't think it's big as that poor girl.

58:59 Adam No, nothing is. But what's up there, Jay?

59:01 Caller Yeah. Bottom line, I'm having some trouble with my bowels.

59:05 Adam I see.

59:06 Caller Every now and then I sort of lose control and I have an accident.

59:09 Adam Yes. You make in your pants?

59:12 Caller Well, yeah, that's one way to put it. Yeah.

59:14 Adam I see. And when do you make in your pants?

59:17 Caller Well, it's usually when I like a cough really hard, doing something strenuous, cough or laugh or like maybe running or something.

59:25 Adam That's a bad sign.

59:25 Dr. Bruce When did that start?

59:26 Adam Yeah, that valve shouldn't be loose for another 40, 50 years.

59:30 Caller Well, it's off and on for like the last couple of years.

59:34 Adam I see. And does this happen quite frequently?

59:38 Caller No, not as much as it used to.

59:40 Adam I see.

59:41 Dr. Bruce Do you have problems with diarrhea? Are there been any change in your bowel habits otherwise?

59:45 Caller No, there's no symptoms of diarrhea or anything before it happened.

59:49 Dr. Bruce Okay.

59:50 Caller It's not like that kind of discharge.

59:51 Adam It comes out in a loose form. If it was a firm stool, it probably wouldn't poke out, would it?

59:59 Caller God, I hope not.

1:00:00 Adam Well, you tell me.

1:00:01 Caller No, no.

1:00:02 Adam No, you're not gonna cramp a solid duke in your pants. You squirt a little something in there. Right.

1:00:08 Dr. Bruce Here's the problem. That, as Adam calls it, the valve is under involuntary neurologic control. Okay. So this type of thing could be an early neurologic problem and there are many reasons that could be, there are many possible causes. So this guy needs to be seen by a general practitioner first and make sure that there's not some.

1:00:27 Adam Okay. So explain that. Your valve, your fart tank valve is under neurologic control. Yeah.

1:00:35 Dr. Bruce I mean your nerves control when you, when defecation, you have the voluntary aspect of it. It's just like when you urinate. Right. But in the valves, the muscular part of it, there are nerves that tell you, they tell the valve to stay closed. It's not something you're thinking of constantly. So. Right. And when these things fail or start to change, then one of the things you have to rule out is that there's a neurologic cause.

1:00:59 Adam It's not the valve itself. It's the solenoid that powers the valve.

1:01:02 Dr. Bruce Right. Right.

1:01:04 Adam I see.

1:01:04 Dr. Bruce If we can make it into a.

1:01:06 Adam And if he's having some trouble in that department, it could mean the computer, the main computer, is screwing up a little bit.

1:01:13 Dr. Bruce Exactly.

1:01:14 Adam So he needs to look at it that way. Right.

1:01:16 Dr. Bruce He needs to go to the.

1:01:18 Adam So it's.

1:01:18 Dr. Bruce Go to the mechanic and plug in to the diagnostic machine.

1:01:22 Adam Plug his ass into a diagnostic, into a dyno tuner?

1:01:24 Dr. Bruce I'm just trying to make. Oh, I see.

1:01:26 Adam I was going literally on you there. I see. So he he shouldn't go to like a dyno tuning place and put that that emissions thing they put in your exhaust pipe up your ass?

1:01:36 Dr. Bruce No, no. More like a tricorder on Star Trek, you know.

1:01:40 Adam I see.

1:01:41 Dr. Bruce Bones.

1:01:42 Adam I understand. I don't watch Star Trek, by the way.

1:01:45 Dr. Bruce Oh, I'm sorry. Have I dated myself?

1:01:47 Adam Well, you haven't dated yourself, but you have. I have dug yourself in just a little bit deeper.

1:01:53 Dr. Bruce No, I had this. There's a.

1:01:55 Adam Have you seen every Star Trek episode?

1:01:56 Dr. Bruce I have no idea.

1:01:57 Adam Have you seen everyone?

1:01:58 Dr. Bruce No, probably not.

1:01:59 Adam How many times have you seen everyone?

1:02:02 Dr. Bruce I have no idea. I don't watch anything twice.

1:02:04 Adam You know like Spock's middle name and stuff like that?

1:02:08 Dr. Bruce No.

1:02:08 Adam No. You're really serious. Have you ever been to a convention?

1:02:11 Dr. Bruce Are you out of your mind?

1:02:12 Adam Have you been to a Trekking convention?

1:02:13 Dr. Bruce No, I love the Saturday Night Live when, what's his name? Tell us. Everybody get a life when they have that. You ever see that?

1:02:20 Adam No.

1:02:22 Dr. Bruce Anyway.

1:02:24 Adam You've not been to a Star Trek convention.

1:02:25 Dr. Bruce We had a nurse though in the ER that used to have one of those fake tricorders and would at appropriate times pass it by the patient.

1:02:32 Adam Oh boy. That's very mean. Tricorder is the diagnostic machine they use. You think. I see. You dig yourself in, then you try to dig yourself out a little bit. You dig yourself in deeper.

1:02:44 Dr. Bruce Okay, then we have to...

1:02:46 Adam Isn't that grounds for dismissal if you have a nurse passing a tricorder gag prop from Star Trek in front of a patient?

1:02:54 Dr. Bruce Nah, you know, it just depends if the patient is conscious or not.

1:02:57 Adam I see.

1:02:58 Dr. Bruce I had this patient with tattoos all over and I told him it was a Jewish hospital. I think that's when I decided I had done too much emergency medicine.

1:03:06 Adam The Jews, they don't like tants because they're expensive?

1:03:10 Dr. Bruce The swastikas. Oh, I didn't mention that.

1:03:13 Adam Oh, he had the swastikas on.

1:03:15 Dr. Bruce He was like a skinhead type guy.

1:03:16 Adam It's important to get that part of the story.

1:03:19 Dr. Bruce When the patients do bad things to other people and you have this urge to defecate.

1:03:22 Adam You want to just smell them. Hey, I was asking Drew about this last week. What ever happened to Mercy Killing and why can't we bring that back? Oh, now. Some gang member comes in there, you know he's shot a few people, he's got a bullet in his head. Can't you just put a pillow over his head?

1:03:39 Dr. Bruce I had a guy, we were taking care of this two gunshot victims, the first guy is a cop and he's shot six times. We're working on him, he dies, the nurse goes, Doctor, we have this other guy across the way, his blood pressure is dropping. So I run over there and this guy was the guy that shot the cop.

1:03:54 Adam That's where the pillow.

1:03:55 Dr. Bruce The nurse and I were discussing, let's see, potassium here? Just don't put the chest tube in right now? No, not really. But you feel that way, you feel very...

1:04:02 Adam Well, do it. Oh, you have my blessing. The guy just put six slugs into a cop who died. Cops always have these young wives and three kids, you know.

1:04:11 Dr. Bruce This guy's retired.

1:04:12 Adam This guy's a gang member. Let him die. Let nature take its course. How would you like it, by the way? Let's look at it this way for a second. Everyone, just think of it this way. You're a cop. You got 35 years on the force and you're a few months away from retirement. You got yourself a boat you're gonna go on with the old lady. You got a couple of kids in college and some punk gang member put six rounds in to you. Okay? Ten minutes before your shift in, the guy put six rounds in to you. You get dragged into the ER. Dr. Bruce has drank way too much coffee. He makes a mistake or two and you die right there on the table, right on the gurney in ER.

1:04:52 Dr. Bruce Okay.

1:04:52 Adam All right. But the good news is, is this punk who put six rounds in to you, you manage to pull out your nine millimeter and put a few rounds into this scumbag who put six rounds in to you. Now you're dead. Now what do you want as your dying request, as a dying as a hero, as a veteran of the police force? Do you want this guy? Do you want all the resources, all the money, all the so-called education running into the next room and feverishly reviving this guy so he can just go through the penal system, get spit out of jail in six years early on parole and then just shoot another cop? Or wouldn't you like it, wouldn't you like those six bullets or those three bullets or how many bullets you put into him to take him down? That would be the very last thing I'd want is I was dying on that gurney. I'd want to know that the guy I shot was coming with me and that I would see him in hell. But no, not Bruce. Goes over there and saves his life.

1:05:56 Dr. Bruce Well, the worst part is to imagine that a doctor would do anything to harm a patient. And no matter how upset you get, I mean, that's, I did of course tell him, he asked me if he was going to live and I told him he was going to die and go straight to hell, but that was the extent.

1:06:07 Adam You told him that? Good man. All right. But he did live.

1:06:10 Dr. Bruce He lived and he served very little time.

1:06:13 Adam Really? Did you follow up on it? Did you find out about it?

1:06:16 Dr. Bruce Yeah. He was, he went upstairs. He put a chest tube in and blood pressure came back up and went upstairs.

1:06:22 Adam How do you know he did very little time in prison?

1:06:24 Dr. Bruce Because I think he was 17. There was an older guy with him. He was either 16 or 17. And he was actually, never mind. All right.

1:06:34 Adam Good story.

1:06:34 Dr. Bruce So are we done with this guy?

1:06:35 Adam Yes, I'm done with him.

1:06:36 Dr. Bruce Okay.

1:06:37 Adam What's he got to do? Get his ass checked out?

1:06:40 Dr. Bruce He start out with a general practitioner and have a complete neurologic exam.

1:06:44 Adam Heidi?

1:06:45 Yeah?

1:06:47 Adam You're 28. You're on with the guy who saves cop killers, Dr. Bruce. What's up?

1:06:55 Caller I don't enjoy sex. I don't like sex. And I've been raped and molested and stuff like that. So you don't have to guess that. But I've had counseling. And I just, I don't know, is there anything that I could do to, I don't know.

1:07:19 Adam Okay. Who raped you and molested you?

1:07:22 Caller Well, my stepfather, my stepfather's niece.

1:07:31 Adam Niece?

1:07:35 Caller And stepfather.

1:07:38 Adam Yes. And that's it? Sounds like a wonderful group. What a lovely addition to the family.

1:07:47 Caller Oh, yeah.

1:07:47 Adam And now you're married?

1:07:50 Caller No.

1:07:51 Adam No. Do you have any kids?

1:07:53 Caller One.

1:07:54 Adam I see. And to think about that, are you doing okay as a mother?

1:07:59 Caller Oh, he's not with me.

1:08:01 Adam I see. So you're doing a wonderful job. Where is he?

1:08:05 Caller He's back in New Hampshire.

1:08:07 Adam He's in New Hampshire?

1:08:08 Caller Yeah.

1:08:08 Adam And with the father?

1:08:10 Caller Yeah.

1:08:11 Adam I see. And do you miss your child?

1:08:14 Caller Yeah.

1:08:15 Adam How come you're not with your child?

1:08:18 Caller It's a long story.

1:08:20 Adam I see.

1:08:20 Dr. Bruce What kind of relationship?

1:08:21 No, hold on.

1:08:22 Adam You're doing drugs, right?

1:08:24 Caller No.

1:08:24 Adam You were doing drugs?

1:08:25 Caller No.

1:08:26 Adam What got this kid away from you?

1:08:28 Caller Me and the father of the child split up.

1:08:32 Adam Oh, I see. You guys broke up?

1:08:34 Caller Yeah.

1:08:35 Adam Oh, okay. I see. So it always works that way when we're family. How come you don't get your child, is what I'm asking, goofball. Not that you broke up.

1:08:44 Caller I wasn't ready to have the responsibility. Yeah, that's it.

1:08:52 Dr. Bruce Okay. Listen, what are you?

1:08:54 Adam You're a dynamite.

1:08:55 Dr. Bruce What are your relationships like you tend to get into, and what are the guys like? Or women, where you're heterosexual?

1:09:02 Caller Um, I'm in a long-term relationship right now.

1:09:05 Adam You are? How often do you have sex?

1:09:09 Caller If it was my choice, we'd never have it.

1:09:11 Adam I see. How's this guy? Do you like the guy?

1:09:13 Caller Yeah.

1:09:14 Adam You don't have any problem with him? He pays attention to you?

1:09:17 Caller Yep.

1:09:18 Adam He doesn't drink?

1:09:19 Caller No.

1:09:20 Dr. Bruce Not abusive.

1:09:21 Adam Not abusive in any way?

1:09:22 Caller No.

1:09:23 Dr. Bruce And he knows your history?

1:09:24 Caller Yeah.

1:09:24 Dr. Bruce Okay. Are you still going to therapy?

1:09:26 Caller No.

1:09:27 Dr. Bruce Why not? Why not?

1:09:30 Caller Um, no insurance.

1:09:32 Adam Hey, what's going on in the background there, Heidi?

1:09:35 Dr. Bruce Putting the dishes away.

1:09:35 Adam Where are you calling from?

1:09:37 Caller Where am I calling from? I'm calling from Arizona.

1:09:40 Adam I see. Are you in a house in Arizona? You're at work?

1:09:44 Caller In a house.

1:09:44 Adam There seems to be some activity in the background. What is that?

1:09:48 Caller Someone that went to the bathroom.

1:09:50 Adam I see. I mean, Heidi? Bruce is going to talk to you off the air because you're difficult to talk to on the air.

1:09:57 Caller Okay.

1:09:58 Adam All right, baby. Now, just hang on and Bruce will get you all lubed up off the air.

1:10:03 Caller Okay?

1:10:03 Adam Okay. All right.

1:10:06 Dr. Bruce You're easily distracted, my friend.

1:10:07 Adam Now, listen, I heard someone talking in the background the whole time and she was obviously having difficulty answering the question. She sounded distracted.

1:10:17 Dr. Bruce She's a little nervous.

1:10:18 Adam Where are you calling from?

1:10:19 Dr. Bruce Here.

1:10:20 Adam Where am I calling from?

1:10:21 Caller Well, I was wondering like, like, what, what, what's more?

1:10:29 Adam Yeah.

1:10:30 Dr. Bruce Is that your girlfriend?

1:10:30 Adam She was, I wish she was, she was worse than that caller. Go talk to her off the air and straighten her out. She was angry because she'd been molested and all that kind of stuff.

1:10:41 Dr. Bruce She doesn't have insurance. She needs ongoing therapy. She's lucky she's got a guy.

1:10:45 Adam That's right.

1:10:45 Dr. Bruce That's decent.

1:10:46 Adam She answered all my hard hitting questions about why her child was with her ex-husband because it broke up and things of that nature.

1:10:53 Dr. Bruce I get a break too. Isn't there a union regulation?

1:10:55 Adam No. Go in there and talk to her so we don't have to talk. All right. We'll be back after this.

1:11:03 Loveline will be right back. So get your problems ready.

1:11:09 Adam Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. He is Dr. Bruce, Ville Nain for Diner News, on another one of his many, many, many, many, many, many vacations. Five weeks of vacation time. He's coming back every second. Is he coming back a day early?

1:11:24 Dr. Bruce Yes.

1:11:25 Adam Is he going to be here tomorrow? No.

1:11:26 Dr. Bruce I was supposed to do Wednesday, too. Oh, really?

1:11:29 Adam Yeah, I couldn't have taken that.

1:11:30 Dr. Bruce No.

1:11:31 Adam No.

1:11:32 Caller No.

1:11:34 Adam We've already lost. We've lost 27 affiliates, by the way, I've heard, since you've been on the air.

1:11:39 Dr. Bruce Oh, yeah.

1:11:40 Adam I'm backpedaling. I'm sending out fruit baskets and autographed t-shirts trying to win them back. I think the damage has been done.

1:11:46 Dr. Bruce Hey, I'm going to crash in your couch tomorrow before the show. Is that okay? I forgot.

1:11:50 Adam Do you want to sleep on my sofa tomorrow?

1:11:52 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

1:11:53 Adam Where are you going to be?

1:11:55 Dr. Bruce Well, I'm going to be about three quarters of the way to LA and I don't want to drive back.

1:11:59 Adam What time are you coming over?

1:12:01 Dr. Bruce Six. Oh. Okay. Seven. Jesus.

1:12:05 Adam The Simpsons are around at 7.30.

1:12:08 Dr. Bruce Yeah, they were home when I was over there last time.

1:12:10 Adam Yeah, I guess there's another TV I could watch upstairs. You're going to come by at seven?

1:12:17 Dr. Bruce Well, you know, I don't want to come by any earlier than you can tolerate me.

1:12:22 Adam How about you come by about nine?

1:12:23 Dr. Bruce Nice, and that way, you can wake me at 9.05.

1:12:26 Adam I'll be down in the garage in my car, I'll give a toot on the horn, you follow me to work.

1:12:30 Caller You are the worst human being I have ever met.

1:12:34 Dr. Bruce Anderson, that was perfect timing, because that's exactly what I was thinking.

1:12:38 Adam You can come over, if you want, get us some takeout, we'll have a real bachelor's night.

1:12:42 Caller You're gay.

1:12:43 Adam Yeah?

1:12:44 Dr. Bruce Yeah. Then we call Drew, and he'll just be wishing he was there.

1:12:47 Adam Oh yeah.

1:12:47 Dr. Bruce For old time's sake.

1:12:49 Adam Troy?

1:12:50 Caller Hi.

1:12:51 Adam You're 18, what's up?

1:12:52 Caller I carved stuff in myself.

1:12:54 Adam Mm-hmm. Like what?

1:12:56 Caller I carved a win in my chest.

1:12:58 Adam Win?

1:12:59 Caller Win, yeah.

1:13:01 Adam Just W-I-N? Yeah. Well, that's positive.

1:13:04 Caller Yeah.

1:13:05 Adam What do you carve it in with?

1:13:07 Caller A knife.

1:13:08 Dr. Bruce I see.

1:13:09 Adam And why win?

1:13:12 Caller I don't know, it's kind of a football thing.

1:13:15 Adam Do you play football?

1:13:16 Caller Yeah.

1:13:16 Adam All right, what position do you play?

1:13:18 Caller Outside linebacker.

1:13:20 Adam I used to play that position.

1:13:21 Dr. Bruce Did you carve?

1:13:23 Caller No.

1:13:24 Adam Maybe I should have. I would have got that college scholarship. What do you guys run, a 4-4 defense?

1:13:30 Caller No, we run like a 3-4.

1:13:32 Adam I see. And you playing in high school? Yeah.

1:13:36 Dr. Bruce So you're a senior in high school?

1:13:37 Caller Yeah.

1:13:38 Dr. Bruce Okay. How long has this been going on?

1:13:40 Caller Since my sophomore year.

1:13:42 Dr. Bruce Okay. And what's happened? I mean, it's a redundant question about what's happened in the past, but carving is anger turned inward. There's usually a significant episode of abuse or a very difficult time in your life that this thing starts to result in. What happened in the past? Anything? Family things?

1:14:07 Caller No, I don't even really think so.

1:14:09 Adam All right. Are you going to college?

1:14:11 Caller Yeah.

1:14:12 Adam Are you going to play football?

1:14:14 Caller I plan to.

1:14:15 Adam You plan to? Where are you going?

1:14:16 Caller Like Eastern Oregon University.

1:14:18 Adam Geez, that's smaller than Andrews University in Eastern Michigan, where Dr. Bruce claims he went. All right. Did you win the game after you carved win in your chest?

1:14:29 Caller No.

1:14:30 Adam Yeah. Well, there you go.

1:14:32 Dr. Bruce Any drug or alcohol issues?

1:14:33 Adam I carved tie into my chest once, because I was sort of non-committal about the game.

1:14:38 Dr. Bruce T-I-E.

1:14:39 Caller Yeah.

1:14:40 Adam Hey, Troy?

1:14:41 Caller Yeah.

1:14:42 Adam You doing any drugs?

1:14:43 Caller No.

1:14:44 Adam No. And would you say you're depressed?

1:14:47 Caller I kind of, yeah.

1:14:48 Adam Yeah.

1:14:49 Dr. Bruce Okay.

1:14:50 Adam Well, how about you get a little work? How about you do a little work on this depression?

1:14:54 Dr. Bruce Does anybody know about the carving? Friends? Do you have a girlfriend?

1:14:59 Caller No.

1:15:00 Dr. Bruce No, you haven't told anybody?

1:15:02 Caller Uh, some of my friends know.

1:15:04 Caller They're on the football team.

1:15:06 Dr. Bruce Okay. So the depression thing, is that something that's longstanding? Have you had other people aware of that?

1:15:13 Caller Uh, other people have been aware of it for a while, yeah.

1:15:16 Adam Yeah. How about you, can you talk to a counselor or something? Maybe go to a church? Do anything like that?

1:15:24 I don't go to church.

1:15:25 Adam Shocking. It's Satan on the other line.

1:15:28 Dr. Bruce Troy, the problem is you describe it as something you can't control, and it's not something you're going to be able to deal with on your own. And if you start focusing your energy on trying to control that behavior, it's going to become another problem, and you need to realize that in and of yourself, you can't really deal with things like this. And there are things it represents within you that somebody else will help you to understand and deal with.

1:15:53 Adam More importantly, what's your 40 time?

1:15:56 Uh, four-nine.

1:15:58 Adam Oh, yeah, you got bad wheels like I did.

1:16:00 Dr. Bruce Have you been suicidal at any point or?

1:16:03 Caller No.

1:16:03 Dr. Bruce Okay.

1:16:04 Adam How big are you?

1:16:05 Caller Um, six-foot, two-thirty.

1:16:07 Adam Oh, they may move you to inside back or you get to college.

1:16:12 Dr. Bruce So is there somebody that you could talk to?

1:16:14 Caller Probably, yeah.

1:16:15 Adam All right, talk to somebody, Troy. You're gonna hurt yourself.

1:16:18 Dr. Bruce Very common thing, though, amongst adolescents.

1:16:20 Adam The carving?

1:16:21 Dr. Bruce The carving. Self-mutilation type behavior.

1:16:23 Adam Really?

1:16:24 Dr. Bruce And some of the piercing and tattooing that goes on is an equivalent. I'm not saying somebody that gets one tattoo, but when people have lots of piercings, lots of tattoos, it's sometimes the same type of cause as people cut on themselves.

1:16:40 Adam All right, talk to somebody, get some help. Don't carve on yourself. Billy?

1:16:44 Dr. Bruce Yes?

1:16:44 Adam You're 16.

1:16:45 Dr. Bruce Yup.

1:16:46 Adam What's up?

1:16:47 Caller Well, let's see, my mom's boyfriend, he's sitting there always trying to control me.

1:16:51 Adam I see.

1:16:52 Caller And I don't really do anything to, like, deserve it.

1:16:55 Adam Well, what does he want you to stop doing?

1:16:58 Caller I don't do nothing.

1:16:59 Adam Well, what would he say you're doing?

1:17:01 Caller Like...

1:17:02 Adam Well, by the way, if you don't do anything, what are you worried about? It's like, hey, you're not going out Saturday night. You go, yeah, I know.

1:17:09 Caller Well, yeah, well, I always go out partying and crap.

1:17:12 Adam Well, there's an activity.

1:17:14 Caller That's on the weekend.

1:17:15 Adam I understand. But you're 16, you're going out, you're getting drunk. What time are you coming home?

1:17:20 Caller About midnight.

1:17:22 Adam All right. And he doesn't, what's he want you to do?

1:17:25 Caller Well, he's always, well, I have to work and crap too. So.

1:17:29 Adam Well, what's the deal? Do you think he doesn't like you or do you think he's just kind of worried about you?

1:17:33 Caller He doesn't like me. I'm pretty sure that.

1:17:35 Adam But sometimes concern gets misconstrued into doesn't like. Maybe he's worried about you. Maybe he thinks your real dad's not around. You need some discipline. You need an authority figure. You think it's that kind of situation?

1:17:49 Caller I'm not sure.

1:17:50 Dr. Bruce How long have they been together?

1:17:51 Caller Like four months.

1:17:52 Dr. Bruce Is he a lot older than your mom or?

1:17:54 Caller No, he's younger than my mom.

1:17:56 Okay.

1:17:56 Dr. Bruce Has he raised any kids?

1:17:58 Yes.

1:17:59 Dr. Bruce He has his own kids?

1:18:00 Yes.

1:18:00 Dr. Bruce How old are they?

1:18:02 Caller I don't know. They live in California.

1:18:04 Dr. Bruce Okay.

1:18:04 Adam Fantastic. What does he do? Construction? Huh? Does he do construction?

1:18:08 Caller He does?

1:18:09 Adam No. What does he do?

1:18:11 Caller He works at the warehouse for Shopco.

1:18:15 Dr. Bruce How old is he?

1:18:16 Caller Like 37, I think.

1:18:18 Dr. Bruce Okay. First of all, when somebody comes into a situation like this, you're all thrown together. It's very difficult. And my heart goes out to you. Having to deal with an older person like this. A lot of people that age, he doesn't sound like he's maybe the most mature individual, but dealing with teenagers is difficult.

1:18:35 Adam He's 37. He works at a warehouse. So he's no genius.

1:18:37 Dr. Bruce Right. So he maybe doesn't have a lot of insight and has no understanding of teenagers. If you can get understanding of teenagers, not necessarily through book learning or by becoming a therapist, but just by having raised them and understanding, it's a time of turmoil. You go back and forth with what you.

1:18:55 Adam Yes. It's getting pretty cathartic here, Bruce. Does that does Bruce has 19 step kids of his own, but he's a good guy. He's the world's greatest stepdad because he's never home. And he just comes home with a jukebox and a guitar. He bought it upon pawn shop. So it's great. That's pretty good.

1:19:10 Caller Yeah.

1:19:11 Adam That's your life. He's constantly trying to win the love of the kids for buying things. Billy.

1:19:15 Caller Yeah.

1:19:16 Adam How about your mom? Will she help you out here?

1:19:20 Caller No.

1:19:21 Adam No.

1:19:21 Caller She's like blind to what's...

1:19:23 Adam Okay. And where's your real dad?

1:19:25 Caller Um, I don't know.

1:19:26 Adam Well, there you go. Okay. Let me say something here, Billy. Your real dad, he's an A-hole. Okay. Now, you may want to put him up on a pedestal and you may want to think he's a great guy, but he's a world class A-hole.

1:19:42 Caller Well, I know he's not a great guy.

1:19:44 Adam And let me tell you why. Because he's abandoned his son.

1:19:47 Caller Yeah.

1:19:48 Adam And I know that hurts, but it's the truth. A-hole. Now I know you have a lot of feelings that are saved up for real dad that may be coming out with stepdad, too. And this stepdad may turn out to be a good thing in your life because without a dad figure around and running a little bit wild, you may need to be reined in a little bit. Now I know you're not out carjacking and raping, at least not every weekend. Carjack one weekend, rape the next weekend. Second and fourth weekend of every month is carjack. And then the first and third is rape weekend. That's how I worked it out when I was in high school. But you may not be happy about this, but you may get some benefit from some guy who comes in, puts some rules down and tries to reine in a little bit. Here's the deal. Don't get in this guy's crosshairs too much. Just be respectful of him. He's out, he's working, he's trying to keep it together. Just don't get into it with him. And maybe if he makes a rule and it's not unreasonable, you should do it.

1:20:51 Dr. Bruce Well, what I was trying to get to say is it's Billy's job as a teenager to push limits. That's what teenagers do.

1:20:57 Adam Well, especially without a dad for 15 of his 16 years.

1:21:01 Dr. Bruce People that don't understand that it's a no-win situation. So this guy comes in, he's trying to show that he's in control. And a teenager, you're just asking, it's a setup for trouble. So what he really needs is somebody outside the family to come to his aid, because I'm on Billy's side here. I mean, it's real difficult to have somebody else come in, and when they focus on, I'm going to show this kid who's boss here. You don't do that with teenagers, that's not the way things work.

1:21:26 Adam That's right.

1:21:27 Dr. Bruce And he needs to get somebody else in there. Mom is probably the passive person, not wanting to take sides. So if you got some sort of a counselor that you can go talk to, I think it's going to be a real problem if he doesn't get somebody else to sort of take his side. That's what people do in adolescent medicine.

1:21:43 Adam I see.

1:21:44 Dr. Bruce They try to more often than not take the side of the kid. Oh, I don't want to do that one.

1:21:49 Adam I smell a little lightning round coming up, Bruce.

1:21:52 Dr. Bruce Oh, no, no.

1:21:53 Adam You hit to the lightning round?

1:21:54 Dr. Bruce No. Wait till Drew gets back.

1:21:55 Adam Yeah. Yeah, the peanut gallery says yes to the lightning round.

1:21:59 Dr. Bruce I don't see anybody saying yes.

1:22:00 Adam Let me see.

1:22:01 Dr. Bruce Anderson? No. Me?

1:22:02 Caller No.

1:22:02 Adam Let me see your face. Yeah, there's Ace Rockolla is in the booth over there. Yeah, I'm going to call him in. I'm going to let him finish up the lightning round. You don't like Ace? Uh-uh. You don't let Ace hear you say that. Ace will be all over you like a bad sweater. He's a badass at Ace. Get a little Yeastie on the peckeroo. Yeah, that Yeastie will be put right up in you. You hear me? All right, that's what we're going to do. Good idea. Good idea, Bruce. We're going to take ourselves a little break and then we'll be back with Phil and DJ Ace Rockolla for a little Dr. Bruce lightning round. That is a bad day. When he's using the reverse, he's got no real credential. Let's check the time real fast. It's 11 45 and 40 seconds. That's 14 minutes and 20 seconds. A wave at the top of the hour straight up.

1:23:22 Caller It's a lightning round.

1:23:24 Adam You smack that middle line around, fast growing outlaw radio show in North America. Now we're gonna hop on the phone and we're gonna burn through some calls so we can bring the help to the kids who really need it. We'll speak to Alicia over here. Alicia's 15 years old, Alicia. Yeah, the lightning round. I'm Ace Rockolla. What's your problem?

1:23:39 Caller Hello? Uh-huh.

1:23:42 Adam Uh-huh. What's your problem, sweetie?

1:23:45 Caller Oh, okay. My parents are always fighting.

1:23:48 Adam Fighting parents.

1:23:50 Dr. Bruce Adam hit his head during the break. I'm not sure what's going on.

1:23:53 Uh-huh. Fighting parents, yeah.

1:23:54 Caller And it's really bothering me. Like, they fight every day and my dad's a drunk and my mom just cries and cries and cries.

1:24:04 Adam Sounds like a healthy environment.

1:24:05 Dr. Bruce Anderson.

1:24:06 Adam To be brought up.

1:24:06 Dr. Bruce Can you turn his mic off?

1:24:07 Adam Yeah. Alisa, baby. You there, man? Turn your radio down. Hold on a second. Dr. Bruce, I'll get you off the air. Bruce, you go down here off the air. Because I got to check the time real fast. Too much to get into right now. I can get out of here? Yeah, get out of here. You go talk to her off the air. It's 1146 and 50 seconds. That is 13 minutes and 10 seconds away from the top of the hour.

1:24:31 Caller Straight up the line around the edge of the hour.

1:24:33 Adam And Ace Rockolla is a good part of Dr. Drew's life. He's the dude of Dr. Bruce over there on the top of the phone. And now I'm going to line three. It's Jeremy Jeremy, 19 years old, which is Brown brother.

1:24:44 How you doing?

1:24:45 Adam What's going on today?

1:24:47 Nothing.

1:24:50 Caller I just want to know how I'm going to get like my girlfriend and one of her friends to go at it.

1:24:58 Little trifecta there.

1:24:59 Adam Little monage de trois. Oh, I know that. Jeremy, let me check. Let me check the amulet. It's 1147 and 30 seconds. That is 12 minutes and 30 seconds away from midnight. It was an hour straight up. You're listening to Fast Growing Outlaw Radio Show North America. Loveline, I'm your captain. And Adam Ace Rockolla was a good partner over there. Dr. Bruce, she's got a little trio going with the ladies. Right, Jeremy? Yeah. Yeah. I recommend it.

1:25:30 Caller A little skeet there.

1:25:31 Caller Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet everywhere.

1:25:33 Adam I have myself a threesome in high school.

1:25:36 Caller That's how you do your threesome.

1:25:38 Adam That's a very good buddy, David. I love him anyway. No, I kid him a lot. Let's check the time real fast. It's 11.48. I'm 12 minutes away from the top of the hour. I'm going to have the blows now. Now, I'm going to talk to Phil. Phil, you're 21 years old. Just make a little line around. What's going on there, brother?

1:25:54 Caller Oh, not much. I'm just calling to let you know I'm having problems getting off.

1:26:00 Adam What's around there, brother?

1:26:02 Caller Well, having sex with my wife.

1:26:03 Adam Yeah, well, Phil, I got to check the timer. It's 11 48 and 30 seconds. That's 11 minutes and 30 seconds away from the top of the hour. Straight up, expect to have a little line around.

1:26:13 Caller Fast-scoring outlaw registration.

1:26:15 Adam What's going on there, Phil? Premature ejaculation? I'm having trouble ejaculating at all.

1:26:19 Caller I'm just having problems getting off at all.

1:26:21 Adam Having trouble getting off at all. You turned on by your old lady?

1:26:24 Caller Oh, yeah. She does it for you? Oh, yeah.

1:26:26 Adam How about she gives you a little hummer, a little oral sex, pulls a little Lewinsky on the back of her room. What about that? Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. You have an orgasm during oral sex?

1:26:37 Caller I just can't complete the deal.

1:26:38 Adam Can't complete the deal. Have you ever been able to complete the deal with your wife?

1:26:41 Caller I've never had problems with it before, up until about the past couple of weeks.

1:26:45 Adam Just now, huh? Anything changed?

1:26:46 Caller You put on a little weight, did you? No, that's not an issue. Uh-huh.

1:26:50 Adam Did your penis lose a little weight? What happened?

1:26:52 Caller I don't know what's going on. Just not doing it anymore.

1:26:55 Adam What if she gives you a hummer?

1:26:56 Caller Would that do it for you? That wouldn't do it either.

1:26:58 Adam What if I came over there and give you a hummer?

1:27:00 Caller Hey, that might.

1:27:01 Adam All right, buddy. I'm on my way. I'm going to juice up the vanabita. You're gay. Listen, buddy, let me tell you something about sex. It's got its hussies, it's got its lose. You're in a little valley right now, buddy. That's all right, a little banning stuff. Even the great Rod Carew struck out a couple of times at the play. You know what I'm saying there, partner? Now, what you need to do is you need to get right back on that horse and hump the bejesus out of it. So see what you can do, all right, buddy, and just power through it. It's going to end at God willing. Let me check the time real fast. It's 1149 and 50 seconds. That's 10 minutes and 10 seconds away from the top. They are straight up the witching out of your smackdown in the middle of the night. I'm your humble host, Ace Rockolla.

1:27:35 Caller I got all the partners. Dr. Drew is on the other line.

1:27:37 Adam He's the man to me in the studio. I got half of the phones out. Look at Dr. Josh. Josh, 27 years old, line five. What's the problem? Where are you calling from, brother?

1:27:46 Caller Ah, Detroit.

1:27:47 Adam Yeah, east of the Mississippi. What's going on there, buddy?

1:27:49 Caller Hey, what's happening, Adam?

1:27:50 Caller Well, you got a problem with anything, right, man?

1:27:52 Caller Yeah, I got a serious problem.

1:27:54 Caller Oh, I was.

1:27:55 Adam You come to the right place. What's going on there, buddy? What is that about?

1:27:59 Caller I got two sister-in-law and they're both coming on to me like really strong. I've been with my wife for 10 years. I was wondering what you thought about that, Adam.

1:28:11 Adam They're both not college. They're very good looking, except for they're extremely overweight and they're drunk or they're very good looking.

1:28:21 Caller They're very good looking.

1:28:22 Adam Hold on. These are your brother's sisters, aren't they?

1:28:28 Caller No.

1:28:28 Adam These are your sister's brother's sister's sister's brother's?

1:28:31 Caller No.

1:28:31 Adam These are your cousin's sister's aunt's brother's?

1:28:35 Caller One has a boob job.

1:28:36 Adam Oh, he's a boob job. These are your old lady's sisters are coming on to you. Right now? Yeah.

1:28:42 Caller What am I supposed to do?

1:28:43 Adam Well, you got to nail them, brother.

1:28:45 Caller You got to nail them.

1:28:46 Adam You got to nail them and you got to kill them because they talk. Oh, yeah, the lady's daughter is what I do. As I do when I'm done having sex with the vision, I just kill her and jump her body by the river. Let me check time real fast. It's 1151 and 20 seconds. That's eight minutes and 40 seconds. The wave at the top of the hour is right up. The witching hour.

1:29:02 Caller You're smacked down with a light around.

1:29:03 Adam The fast is growing. Outlaw radio show in North America. It's time to pile back on the foes. Hopping on line six. Speaking of, oh, it's 20 years old. Thanks for calling in, brother. What's your problem? Oh, and your bad is back on. Outlaw radio show in California. What's going on? Oh, and you're smacked down with a little light around. Oh, I know. Let me check time real fast. It's 11 51 and 50 seconds. That is eight minutes and 10 seconds away from the top of the hour straight up. Oh, and you're on line six. What's going on there, brother? Hello? It's a fast growing outlaw radio show. What's going on there, brother? I'm Ace Rockolla. As we get over there, the part of Dr. Drew and Dr. Bruce filling in for me. So what's going on there?

1:29:44 Caller Oh, what can we do for you tonight?

1:29:47 Caller That brother tonight?

1:29:49 Adam Yeah, it's a good day. I'm going in. I'm Ace Rockolla.

1:29:52 Caller Get over there.

1:29:54 Adam What's going on?

1:29:55 Caller Let me explain this to you. My girlfriend will be messing around, right?

1:30:01 Adam You cut yourself a little slice, a little smacking.

1:30:04 Caller Exactly. We're talking about it all up and down. All right. Well, anyway, she gets going on me and I get going on her. I get going on her pants.

1:30:12 Adam Yeah. Give me the old velvet buzzsaw. I've been there before myself. Let me check down there. It's 11 52 and 45 seconds. That's seven minutes and 15 seconds away from the top of the hour. Straight up midnight. The witch in Irish McDavid. Miss Michael, let's goodbye. Northern America. What's going on?

1:30:33 Caller What's going on?

1:30:35 Caller So anyhow, she's doing her thing down there.

1:30:37 Adam She's doing her thing down there. Giving a little little hobnob in the back room. Possibly in the old trailer hitch as you say.

1:30:43 Caller Exactly. She's about three quarters of the way and then stops for her own pleasure since she can't think about mine while she's doing her.

1:30:50 Adam I just. You bitch! Three quarters of the way down your penis or three quarters away?

1:30:55 Caller I'm three quarters of the way along.

1:30:57 Adam I see. All right. Well, you know what you got to do, buddy? You got to speed your clock up. So three quarters of the way is lift off. Here's what I do. You know what I do with the bitches? I go, baby, baby, listen to me, baby. Here it comes, baby. Here it comes. Ten. Oh, yeah. Nine.

1:31:12 Caller Eight.

1:31:13 Adam Seven.

1:31:14 Caller Six.

1:31:16 Dr. Bruce There's a fart, right?

1:31:16 Adam Give me a beer, baby. That's what I do. That's what Ace Rockolla does. Oh, yeah. I love putting this in the mountains. Let me check the timer. It's 11 53 and 50 seconds. That is six minutes and 10 seconds away from the hour. Let's see if we can pop it in one more quick one. You know, people quit calling me. What's going on there, brother? Fifteen years old. You got hit in the neds, did you?

1:31:38 Caller Yeah.

1:31:39 Adam You can't get up there hitting a little neds there.

1:31:42 Caller Yeah.

1:31:42 Adam Yeah. What happened, brother? You're playing a little soccer?

1:31:46 Caller No, I was on the bus.

1:31:47 Caller On the bus?

1:31:48 Caller There's this girl in the seat and my dad told me to turn around.

1:31:51 Adam Yeah, enough said, brother. On the bus, got hit in the neds and I was just saying, I've been there before.

1:31:55 Dr. Bruce How long ago did that happen?

1:31:58 Caller Like, um.

1:32:00 Dr. Bruce All right.

1:32:01 Adam Bruce, you make them off the air, what do you say now? Because I got a break for commercial.

1:32:05 Dr. Bruce Thank God.

1:32:06 Adam Let me tell you something, kids. We're going to take ourselves a quick commercial time out for a little stage notification, let some of the sponsors have a word. We're going to be back with a ton, a ton more show.

1:32:15 Dr. Bruce You just lost your sponsors.

1:32:17 Adam Stay with us everybody.

1:32:18 Caller We're going to take a quick break.

1:32:19 Adam I'm going to shake a little doo off the lily. And we're going to be right back with more famous Loveline after this. Well, there you have it, another fan-chamberless night of Loveline. In the can. I'm going to thank Dr. Bruce for coming out here, and Lauren for keeping the Java warm, and of course Anderson for putting up with Dr. Bruce. So, until next time, this is Adam Corolla for Dr. Bruce, saying mahalo.

1:32:58 Caller Oh my God.

1:33:00 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management sponsors for this station. The producer for Loveline is Ann Wilkins Engel. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Monday, January 8, 2001