Episode 1000754887322

1:40 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised. Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew Loveline, Coast to Coast.

1:52 Drew Yep, it is Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. This is Dr. Drew over there for number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. I'll tell you that plan to have the sound of the anvil going through the sliding glass door just before the show starts repetitively.

2:12 Adam Night after night?

2:13 Drew Night after night. It's a bad call. And I'll tell you why, because Drew and I don't put our headphones on until after that, except for the problem is is after that's when the show starts. So each night before the show, we stand here with our I should say sit here. And I and I look forward to the day when I say lay here. When we just sit here with our headphones held out above our heads, but in the stretched open position ready to drop down on her noggin as soon as the beginning of the show is over. All right. It is Loveline. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1, fax number 310-854-4455, Dr. Drew is a board certified physician and a DISIN medicine specialist. And I had something I wanted to say, and now I can't remember.

2:59 Adam Oh, that's nice.

3:00 Drew That's good. Yeah.

3:01 Adam He did politically incorrect tonight.

3:03 Drew Oh, you did?

3:03 Adam Yeah.

3:04 Drew How'd that go?

3:04 Adam Good. Ralph Nader.

3:06 Drew Oh, how's that crackpot doing?

3:09 Adam He's all right. Got a lot of slogans, a lot of it's just chivalettes, empty, like, we're going to get the man, and we're going to get those fat cats, and we're going to blah, blah, blah.

3:17 Drew Yeah, right.

3:18 Adam Nice man.

3:19 Drew Yeah, seems like it. Well, you know, you can't go wrong talking. I mean-

3:24 Adam Attacking people with money.

3:25 Drew Attacking people with money, right. Yeah, but listen, everybody, who wants to attack people with money now that I'm, you know, literally a millionaire. Let me explain something. It is tantamount to you cutting the head off of the country. Now, I know this is not a popular viewpoint, but you know why most of the people who have money have money? A lot. Contrary to popular demand? No, they did not inherit it. They're smarter than we are. They work harder. They work longer. They stay up longer. They get up earlier. And they're smarter. And when you combine all those things together, you then have people who have more money than you do, and I do, and Drew does, and Ralph Nader does. Now, it's okay for us to demonize them, that's fine, but let's not cut them off, because that 10% of society pays for 90% of the stuff. And then what will happen is, is all you people who are complaining, you're going to have to start paying for stuff when you cut those people off. It's a very, I don't know what it is, it's a very alarming number, but a very small percentage of society, maybe it's 7 or 8%, pays for like 95% of everything. And all you gotta do is think about what Bill Gates is putting in tax-wise each year. Picture if you had a little graph. It's like Bill Gates, one little, you know those little sort of black silhouette people they put, like what's on a bathroom door? Picture Bill Gates on one side of the chart, and then how many other little silhouette people to the left side of the chart it would take to fill up with the little dollar sign underneath him in terms of tax revenue. Does he need that money? I don't know. Don't care. That's not our business. Our job is not to question whether he needs that much money. Our job is to say how many of those other little people does he pay for? And the number is one Bill Gates, and then there'd be several million, several, maybe 100 million other people next to Bill Gates. Now, you want to cut that guy's head off? Good plan. I say we just laugh. Shouldn't all those people that are on the left side of the column just be looking over and laughing that he's paying for the roads and the schools that his kids never use?

5:46 Adam Good point.

5:46 Drew Isn't that funny?

5:47 Adam Yeah, good point.

5:47 Drew Shouldn't we be laughing? Well, let's not attack him. Let's laugh at him. We'll do that, but let's not attack him. Mike?

5:55 Yeah.

5:56 Drew You're 20.

5:57 Caller Yes, I am.

5:58 Drew What's up?

5:59 Caller All right. My girlfriend just went back on birth control, right? Yeah. And she's starting to get nauseous and throwing up because of it. And I guess it was her gynecologist said that she could take it rectally. I don't know if she's just blowing smoke up her skirt or what.

6:18 Adam Well, there are hormones that she could get in suppository form, but not really the birth control pill, per se.

6:25 Drew Couldn't he wedge it into his urethra and then-

6:29 Adam Fire it.

6:29 Drew Fire it into her rectally?

6:31 Adam Sure.

6:32 Drew I mean, Lord knows we've all done that in a pinch.

6:35 Adam No, I don't know of any preparations that are truly the usual birth control pill given that way. The progesterones and things you can give by suppositories. Those are vaginal suppositories, actually.

6:45 Drew I've never done a rectal suppository if you don't count a jacuzzi jet in high school.

6:50 Adam You've done more.

6:51 Drew And when one puts something in one's anus, doesn't it just pop out?

6:56 Adam No, it slides up.

6:58 Drew And stays? Is that how you get stuff into prison, Drew? I would think if I put a pill in my ass, it would be much like feeding, let's say, a red hot to a dog. You ever try to feed something to a dog that doesn't want, and it just puts it in its mouth, and it sits in its mouth for a second, and then it just falls out?

7:19 Adam Right. No, no, anus is an instrument, give me pictures.

7:23 Drew No, I don't want to see it. I don't want to see the anus. I don't want to see the anus.

7:27 Adam It's a little longer than you think.

7:29 Drew Yeah, but how far up there do you got to put that pill before it stays?

7:32 Adam Your colon comes down like this.

7:34 Drew And how come, hey, Drew?

7:35 Adam And then this is the outside world here.

7:38 Drew How come dogs, they don't have the ability to spit? If they want something to come out of their mouth, they have to hang their mouth open and lean over and hope that it falls out. How come God, you know, dog can put its leg up and piss across the street, dog can lick its own nuts, but a dog cannot spit something out of its mouth. It has to open its mouth and let it fall out. Yes.

7:58 Adam Genius. Just remember that.

8:00 Drew Yeah.

8:01 Adam This has to go all the way through all that.

8:03 Drew Yeah, how far do you have to get your finger up there, though?

8:06 Adam Not that far. Like, you know, yay.

8:08 Drew Wow, just to the first knuckle?

8:10 Adam Just the pinky. But the thing is designed to slip up. It goes on up.

8:15 Drew You go pinky, huh?

8:16 Yeah.

8:16 Drew I go ring finger. That's me. I know. That's why we're different.

8:19 Eric?

8:19 Adam You cuddle practice.

8:22 Drew I think I break my pinky off in my asshole if I try to put it in there. It's not big enough. I go with a bigger finger, strong finger.

8:29 Eric?

8:30 Hey, what's up?

8:31 Hey.

8:33 I had a recent masturbation innovation. Okay. You ready?

8:39 Adam Humanity has moved forward a giant step tonight.

8:41 Drew Let me grab my pen and pencil.

8:43 Go ahead. Is everybody okay? All the guys out there, take out your pens and pencils and paper and whatever.

8:51 Drew Let me just jump in for a second here. I am thoroughly prepared to be disappointed.

8:57 Yes.

8:58 Drew I am now a 36 and I never hear anything from anybody that interests me anymore. Or I go, oh my God, I never thought about that. That is true. You're 100 percent correct. But go ahead, Eric.

9:09 Caller That hurts.

9:10 Drew Go ahead, buddy.

9:12 Caller Okay. All right. What you need is a bed, a pillow, a little cream, preferably less of that girly perfume stuff because that irritates the Johnson, and a little washcloth. And what you do is you apply the cream in an area, you saturate the washcloth in an area that's as long as Mr. Winky is, and just a little bit wider, and then you've folded over. You put that on your bed and you put your pillow on the washcloth.

9:57 Drew All right. But you understand I do this four times a day. I don't have time to turn it into some MacGyver-esque experiment.

10:03 Caller Okay. Well, you could just put Saran wrap over the cream or whatever.

10:10 Drew Put the cream in the washcloth, and then where do you put the washcloth?

10:14 Adam Under the pillow.

10:15 Caller You put the washcloth over, so you got yourself a nice little slot, and you put the pillow on it, and then you might have another pillow for your head, and then you wing it.

10:27 Drew I see. Are you lying on your back at this point?

10:29 No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

10:30 Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

10:32 Adam He's creating a virtual vagina.

10:35 Drew I know, but he said you have a pillow for your head.

10:38 Caller Yeah, so you can go forward.

10:39 Drew When you're going forward. Okay, I see.

10:41 Adam Yeah, so he's pretending the pillow is a woman.

10:43 Caller Because it's automatic cleanup, and you know, like...

10:48 Drew I don't know about automatic, yeah. Yeah, right.

10:51 Caller It's beautiful.

10:52 Drew All right.

10:52 Adam It's amazing. No one has ever thought of that before, I'm sure.

10:56 Drew Listen.

10:57 Adam Glad you thought enough to call it that.

10:58 Drew Let me explain something, and I hope most of you are on board with this. I don't masturbate to simulate the feel of a woman. I masturbate to masturbate.

11:11 Adam Yeah, but at 16, they might be trying to...

11:13 Drew Yeah, I know, but it's always funny when these guys are like, well, you get a Mason jar and you fill it with a chub pack, a ground beef. Now, I like 22% fat, but if you want to go 15% or even 8% a leaner, a leaner cut of beef, that's fine. I'm not here to question that. And I'll mix, I'll throw a raw egg in there and I'll mix that thing up. Then I put it in the microwave and I get it just up to body temperature. If you got 6, 8 ounces of ground beef in there, usually 25 to 30 seconds. Don't go too long in the microwave or you'll be humping a hamburger. And then once you get it out of the microwave, what I like to do is I like to put a little rust colored shag carpet around the opening of the mayonnaise jar. The mason jar, that simulates the vaginal hair. Then what I'll go ahead and do is I'll turn on the TV and I'll put it on the view because there's a lot of women talking on that show. Then what I go ahead and do is I mount up the mason jar with the girls talking in the background and the warmed, not cooked, warmed hamburger beef. Again, 20 percent fat is what I like, and I have myself, and then when I'm done, I feed it to the dog. It's like, yeah, listen, I'm not Frankenstein. I'm not Dr. Frankenstein in the lab here.

12:37 Adam Wow.

12:38 Drew Is that a little too graphic?

12:40 Adam No, it's all right.

12:41 Drew I know, but there's something about building a woman.

12:46 Adam Yeah.

12:47 Drew Then I'll go down to the hardware store and I'll get 40, 50 feet of fallopian tubing and I'll connect that to the mayonnaise jock. Now you're cooking. There's this fantasy. Do you remember you had that when you were like 14, 15? It's like, if I could have a woman, you know, like bring her to life or make her my slave or keep her in the basement.

13:05 Adam That's that weird science.

13:06 Drew Yeah, it's weird science. But it's kind of the date rape drug mixed in. I mean, that's the more reality of it. It's like, if a woman would just pass out and sort of hold still, I don't want to hurt anybody. But if they would just hold still and just let me do stuff to them, you know, I could run around naked in front of them. I could grab their boob and make a honking sound. Then you get a little older and it's like, oh, screw it, I'm just going one of those oriental massage places and get myself a reach around. Julie?

13:36 Yes?

13:37 Drew You're 16?

13:38 Caller Yeah.

13:38 Drew All right, let me explain how you simulate the male penis. And by the way, women don't go through all this work.

13:46 Adam No, they don't.

13:46 Drew They certainly don't. They sit in a tub and they think of scented candles. It's like, were you even thinking of a man? No, I was thinking of a candle.

13:57 Adam Kind of. Kind of.

13:58 Drew Kind of?

13:59 Adam Yeah. Well, who?

14:00 Drew Oh, this guy.

14:01 Adam I saw him at movie once.

14:02 Drew Do you like him? Not really. Would you have sex with him? Oh, no. Women are like screwed up when it comes to masturbation. So you're masturbating to a guy you wouldn't have sex with?

14:13 Adam You're attracted to him? No, really. No, just give me a feeling.

14:15 Drew I thought about potpourri and scented candles and thought about this gentleman who I passed once in a car on the freeway. He was going southbound on the 405. I was going northbound. All right. Anyway, Julie, what's up?

14:29 Guest Yeah, I've been like always really pushed like intellectually because like I was considered a prodigy when I was really little. And right now...

14:37 Drew Join the club.

14:39 Adam What made you a prodigy?

14:39 Drew For cleaning prodigy, my parents.

14:41 Adam What made you a prodigy?

14:42 Guest Well, my dad did it like, I used to like, okay, one time I asked him a question about something about like, I really love physics and I'm actually going to go into astrophysics.

14:50 Drew Hey, Newton, hold on a second. Can you turn the goddamn TV down?

14:56 Oh, sorry.

14:59 Adam Listening to Dexter's laboratory.

15:01 Drew Prodigy.

15:02 Guest Well, the only thing that kind of brought it up was when I was younger. One time I asked my dad a question about science and he said, go to the library. I came back with like, relativity and I read it when I was like four and a half. I was getting really into math and science.

15:21 Drew You went down to the library alone when you were four and a half?

15:24 Guest He took me, but okay.

15:27 Drew All right. So you're into math and science?

15:29 Guest Well, yeah. He had me take the Mensa exam when I was really little, when I was five. I passed for Junior Mensa and I've been in it for a while.

15:40 Drew Let me talk to Drew. Don't you think that's just going to screw up a kid Junior Mensa?

15:45 Adam It's pushing them.

15:47 Drew Well, you know what I mean? It's like, hey everyone, I'm five and a half. I'm a genius.

15:50 Adam It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's almost the flip side of the dad going, you'll never amount to anything. You're an idiot.

15:57 Drew Yeah.

15:57 Adam It's the opposite of that.

15:58 Drew Thank God my dad never had the energy to speak to me.

16:01 Caller Oops.

16:02 Drew Wait a minute.

16:03 Caller Would they have Junior Mensa?

16:05 Adam Yeah.

16:05 Drew Are you asking me?

16:07 Guest Hello.

16:07 Drew How old do you have to be to get in that Junior Mensa?

16:10 Guest Well, I was a little bit young, but usually about seven is the average age. Seven to 12. I'm sorry, not 12. Once you're 16, you're in regular Mensa. I just got into regular Mensa because I just turned 16 August 1st.

16:23 Drew Actually, my parents enrolled me in a club called Tardo when I was six. Junior Tardo. I was six months young. They fledged some paperwork.

16:32 Adam Tarza.

16:33 Drew Yeah. We put cooking pots on our heads and ran around and clanked them into each other. Anyway, so Junior Mensa, what's your IQ?

16:44 Guest 170.

16:46 Adam What's happening today?

16:47 Guest What?

16:48 Adam What's going on today?

16:48 Drew What's up?

16:49 Guest My question?

16:50 Adam Yeah.

16:50 Guest Okay. I have like no interest whatsoever and like, okay, I do somewhat have like I'm attracted to guys and I have relationship now, but I don't have any interest in being like sexual or intimate at all. Like I just don't think about it. And I know like he's kind of like, oh, okay.

17:06 Adam Who says that?

17:07 Caller My boyfriend.

17:09 Adam So you have a boy.

17:10 Drew 170 IQ and she's talking about someone she hasn't brought up in the conversation yet.

17:14 Adam All right.

17:15 Drew And you can't be you're you're you're not 170.

17:18 Guest No, I just said I'm in a relationship.

17:20 Drew Nobody calls a radio show with the TV blaring in the background. The 170 IQ.

17:25 Guest I forgot. Like I was reading.

17:29 Drew So he's not. What are you in high school now?

17:32 Guest Yeah. Well, yeah.

17:33 Drew Shouldn't you be in college?

17:34 Guest I'm going next this fall.

17:36 Adam Where are you going?

17:37 I'm going to Yale.

17:38 Caller Yeah.

17:38 Adam Yale takes a bunch of youngies.

17:40 Caller Oh, they do? Yeah, that's good.

17:41 Drew What are you going to study?

17:43 Well, astronomy and physics.

17:44 Adam They take them like computer experts and stuff.

17:47 Drew Wow, those are all Asians.

17:48 Guest It's astronomy and physics. It's the major together.

17:51 Drew I see. What do you want to be when you grow up?

17:53 I want to be a theoretical physicist.

17:56 Adam Why?

17:57 Guest Because I don't know.

17:58 I love it.

17:59 Guest I really do. It's a passion for me. Like, I communicate with, I don't know, you guys, Stephen Hawking.

18:06 Adam You communicate with him? He knows you're around?

18:07 Guest Yeah. Well, for some, like the last year.

18:11 Drew How do you communicate with him?

18:13 Guest Well, my dad used to work at Stanford as a professor there for physics, and I met him when my dad took me to one of his lectures at Cambridge.

18:21 Adam Interesting.

18:23 Drew How do you communicate with him? Do you like email?

18:25 Yeah.

18:26 Guest Well, it's not even really him. It's like his assistant guy, he's one of his students.

18:33 Drew I see. Where's he at? What university is he at?

18:36 Guest Cambridge. He's a location professor of mathematics.

18:38 Drew Oh, I didn't know. I thought he just sort of rolled through the country in that electric wheelchair.

18:44 Guest He does.

18:46 Drew He's like Charles Carrault. He just fires up that wheelchair, just rolls and he's coming to a town near you. All right.

18:53 Adam Listen, Julie, I don't know why you're not particularly interested in things.

18:56 Drew You're too smart. Listen.

18:58 Adam You're occupied with other things.

18:59 Drew Sex is for dumb people.

19:01 Adam We've put a point out of that before. When you strip everything else away, there's eating and reproduction.

19:07 Drew Yeah.

19:07 Adam That's it.

19:08 Drew Yeah. You've transcended sex. You close your eyes, you don't see naked men. You see Adam splitting.

19:18 Adam I think you will. I think you got a lot on your plate. I bet you're stressing yourself out more than you even realize.

19:23 Drew You're attracted to this guy?

19:24 Yeah.

19:25 Drew How long you've been with him?

19:27 Like six months.

19:28 Adam Do you like him a lot?

19:30 What?

19:30 Adam Do you like him a lot?

19:31 Guest Yeah.

19:33 Drew What are you doing with him? What are you doing with him physically?

19:38 Guest Like making out.

19:39 Drew Yeah. You don't want to go past that?

19:41 Caller Well.

19:42 Drew You don't have the urge to?

19:43 Adam Is that pleasurable to you?

19:46 Guest Not particularly.

19:47 Adam She's not into him.

19:47 Drew Yeah, you're not that into him. Have you ever been past making out with anybody?

19:51 Guest Not really.

19:52 Drew All right. Well, listen, here's the deal. Julie, I know you're genius, but I'm going to lighten you anyway. Okay, you have a certain gift, you know?

20:03 Guest Yeah.

20:03 Drew You may be making a little too much of it, but you have a certain gift, and that makes you a little bit different than other people. And so you're going to excel in certain things, like you'll be heading off to Yale next year while your other buddies are still in high school. But in other facets of life, it may slow you down a little bit. And it's just like why the Poindexters aren't the captain of the football team. Why isn't that the same person? Why aren't the guys that are out getting a ton of tail getting the straight A's and getting the academic scholarships? It's not always the same brain. It's rarely the same brain. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. So here you are excelling in a certain part of life, which is more important. And the other part will come shortly. You may just be a little as far. Ah, here's what I'm going to say. As far ahead as you are academically, which is probably a couple of years in front of your peers, you may be a couple of years behind socially or at least physically.

21:01 Adam Some of that energy.

21:02 Drew Sexually.

21:02 Adam There's a lot of that energy went into intellectual growth, but it might have been into social growth.

21:06 Drew Right. So don't worry about it.

21:07 Adam And to understand, here's an intellectual tidbit for you, which is that you're not into this guy. Learn to read at least your feelings a little bit. Understand when you're really not into somebody, you're not going to respond sexually. That's fine.

21:20 Drew Yeah. Drew, were you in... Did they have like a gifted program in your...

21:25 Adam I remember this school.

21:25 Drew Your school was the Little Lord Font Leroy School of Albinohemophiliacs?

21:31 Adam Yes, that's that one.

21:32 Drew That's where Drew went to prep school and where they wore bow ties. And during casual day, it was ascots. Friday was casual Friday. They were allowed to wear ascots. And only the first initial monogrammed on the lapel of their blazer. Is that true, Drew?

21:49 Adam On casual days, yeah.

21:53 Drew Shoes with only one. Okay, here's casual day.

21:56 Adam One color.

21:56 Drew One tassel on the shoes. Instead of the bow tie, you wear the ascot and just the first and middle initial, no last initial on the blazer.

22:07 Adam There you go.

22:07 Drew Nice.

22:08 Adam School emblem there, too.

22:09 Drew So the whole school was basically a sort of elite. They would be like the Navy Seals academically, right? So it's like saying, was there any special Navy Seal in the group or Navy Seal? The answer is they're all Navy Seals.

22:23 Adam They were like, there were special.

22:25 Drew Couple of guys got shot in NAMM and got a Purple Heart.

22:28 Adam But there was no special program for them.

22:30 Drew Right, because that's all that was.

22:31 Adam Right.

22:32 Drew Right. When I was in junior high, we had the MGM program, the Mentally Gifted Minds.

22:40 Adam Seriously?

22:41 Drew Yeah. Even though-

22:43 Adam Was there MDM also?

22:45 Drew I was-

22:46 Adam Mentally Deficient Minds?

22:47 Drew No. Yeah. Even though I was in the TARD program, the Upstart TARD program, I still remember thinking, isn't Mentally Gifted Minds sort of redundant? Isn't mental and mind, are we talking about the same thing?

23:00 Adam The GM program.

23:01 Drew Yeah. Mentally Gifted.

23:03 Adam Or Gifted Minds. Yeah.

23:04 Drew You don't have to tack the mind on at the end of the mental part, do you? What other part of your body could be mentally gifted?

23:10 Adam You know how the kinds of people are that are in those programs. They need three letters for the monogram always. True. It's always cool when there's two letters on either side with the big G in the middle.

23:18 Drew Yeah, right. I was such a horrible student that my counselor, I remember just wanting to take this sort of a basic English class, or just signing up for like Mr. Tompkins English class, and my counselor said, hey, are you sure? I was like, why? He's kind of a hard teacher. I was like, yeah, but it's not like some sort of advanced accelerated program or something, is it? No, but you got to do work in his class. And I was like, hey, thanks for the tip, you're right.

23:48 Adam You said, hey, Tardo?

23:50 Drew No, he didn't call me Tardo back then. He just called me by my last name. All right, Mr. Tomy, still hope you're making that 37 granny.

23:58 Adam And he can?

24:00 Drew Kiss my ass. We're going to take ourselves a little break. We'll be back after this. Yep, it is Loveline. I'm Adam Carolla. That is Dr. Drew over there. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Sitting around talking to Drew about our very different childhoods.

24:49 Adam Very, very.

24:50 Drew And how school for me, and this is 85, maybe 90 percent, every one of my friends, warehouse. Warehouse. Sat around there and wasted time. Brought a brochure in for my basketball hoop.

25:05 Drew Oh, yeah.

25:05 Adam Is this the one back here?

25:07 Drew Listen, everybody. Oh, listen, I do everything on this show except for talk about whatever it is I'm supposed to be talking about. But let me tell you something. I'm putting a basketball hoop up at my house and I ain't screwing around. I ain't going with one of these trash can lids for a backboard.

25:22 Adam There it is.

25:23 Drew No, that ain't it. Let me tell you what I'm going with. Regulation.

25:26 Adam That's it right there.

25:27 Drew That's it. Glass.

25:28 Adam I know. I see it.

25:29 Drew Do you understand? I'm going with a glass backboard.

25:31 Adam 42 by 72. Competition.

25:34 Drew 42 by 72 and glass.

25:37 Adam What is a 48 by 72, Adam?

25:38 Drew 48?

25:39 Adam The right competition.

25:41 Drew What is NBA? Is that 48 by 6? Is that 4 by 6?

25:45 Adam Somebody has something bigger than you here. You better get the 48.

25:49 Drew How dare they? It'll make my penis look even smaller when I stand next to it. Keegan.

25:55 Adam National.

25:56 Drew All right. Please, Drew. You can only dream of my bachelor lifestyle. Keegan?

26:02 Adam Yeah.

26:02 Drew You're 14? Yep. What's up?

26:05 Caller Well, I was sitting in here. My dad walked in and he left up my bed and he found my porn collection.

26:09 Adam Who did?

26:10 Caller My dad.

26:11 Adam Oh boy. You're sitting there and he walked right in and said, I know what's under here and walked out?

26:18 Yeah, and he didn't care.

26:20 Drew Well, that's good.

26:21 Adam Well, wait a minute.

26:22 Drew So what's your question?

26:25 Caller I was wondering if there's something wrong with that or something.

26:29 Drew What does your porn collection consist of?

26:33 Girls.

26:34 Drew Hold on a second. We have a pen and pencil there. What do you say?

26:37 Adam Girls. Girls. Okay.

26:39 Drew Girls. Girls. All right, buddy. Well, now that we know exactly what is in your porn collection, we can we can we can take a more informed approach to this question. So you're saying there's girls? Yep. I see. Okay. Well, in that case, here's a definitive answer. Don't worry about it.

26:59 Adam Did your dad walk in to prove a point that he knew what you were up to? Or was he just standing here and decided to pull your mattress up? He was making a point. He was just letting you know he knew and just putting you on notice.

27:13 Drew Nobody cares. And listen, all you guys who think you're hiding your magazines between the mattress and the box spring, you are high. People have been hiding stuff there since the dawn of civilization and parents have been finding it there. Do not put stuff there.

27:30 Adam When people slept on haystacks, parents would check under the hay.

27:35 Drew Under the hay between the hay and the ground of the barn. That's right. Do not put stuff under your mattress. I don't know. There's some sort of instinctual impulse. You know what it is? It must be some sort of chromagnum reptilian brain thing that wants you to sleep on your booty. You know what I mean? Like I got my little treasure and I'm sleeping on it, man. Like I, you know, it's like I killed something and I'm going to eat it tomorrow and I ain't leaving it over there. I'm going to sleep on it. Whether it's money or porn, it's under me. And if you want it, you got to wake me up and move me.

28:14 Adam It's in my mattress.

28:15 Drew Yeah. There's like a really symbolic thing to it, but it doesn't make any sense at all because you will be found. Alexis?

28:25 Caller Yes.

28:25 Drew You're 26.

28:26 Caller Yes.

28:27 Drew What's up?

28:29 Caller I'm 26.

28:30 Caller I'm married.

28:30 Caller I have two girls. I guess I'm kind of experienced in sex, but I've never had an orgasm, will I ever?

28:38 Drew No.

28:38 Adam Do you work with your husband on this?

28:40 Caller Yes. I get to the point where I'm going to, but I have to stop every single time.

28:49 Adam Why?

28:50 Drew Right when you get up there?

28:51 Caller Yes.

28:52 Adam Why?

28:52 Drew You women are nuts with that.

28:55 Caller Well, my husband just told me right now because I'm not thinking of Popefruits and candles.

29:00 Adam Well, so he has a point there, right?

29:02 Caller No. I don't think of anything.

29:04 Drew But I've said this a thousand times. No man has ever gone, like, I'll come back. Oh, no. I'm right there. I'm gonna come. I'm right on the edge. I'm right on the edge. Oh, no. No, no. Stop. No, no. Stop.

29:13 Caller Stop.

29:13 Drew No. Sorry. No.

29:16 Caller Can't do it.

29:16 Adam No.

29:18 Caller No, no.

29:18 Drew It's not you.

29:19 Caller No, no.

29:19 Adam Just irritated.

29:20 Drew No, no.

29:20 Caller Don't talk.

29:22 Drew Forget it. No, no. It wasn't right. Has a guy ever done that?

29:30 Adam Never. In human history, no.

29:32 Drew No. Listen, your grandparents could kick in the front door of your apartment and it'd be like, granny, grammy, Nana, hold on, hold on. Okay. What are you guys doing in town?

29:47 Adam Everyone was like, it was too intense.

29:49 Drew It's too much. It feels too good. Alexis?

29:52 Caller Yes.

29:54 Drew Why do women do that?

29:55 Caller I don't know. That's why I'm calling you.

29:57 Adam What is the sensation you have that makes you stop?

30:01 Caller Okay. It really feels good like I'm going to have an orgasm, I think, but then it turns into a hurt almost.

30:07 Adam Yeah. You got to work with your partner on this one.

30:10 Drew We have been for six years. Is it like too intense?

30:14 Caller I think so. I get really tight, like intense type of feeling.

30:18 Drew Right. But it's too intense in the sense that like I said, when you put your tongue on the roof of your mouth.

30:27 Adam It's irritating.

30:28 Drew Yes. It's irritating.

30:29 Adam It tickles.

30:30 Drew All right. Everyone do that. All right. You're ready?

30:33 Adam Way in the top. Way in the top.

30:34 Drew Put your tongue up on the roof of your mouth on your palate. Okay. You ready?

30:39 Adam Lightly brush your tongue across.

30:40 Drew Lightly brush. You're ready? One, two, three, go. No.

30:47 People know what I feel. Oh.

30:49 Drew Wait a minute.

30:50 It worked.

30:53 Drew Drew, put your tongue on the roof of my mouth. That's going to come out of me.

30:57 Caller Yikes.

30:58 Drew All right. So it's too intense. Anything weird happened to you that we need to know about?

31:05 Caller Like when I was younger? Yeah. When I was young, my mom's dad or my mom's husband, I mean, tried to molest me and my sister, but I don't think he really did.

31:16 Drew Okay. You don't think so? Still kind of weird that you were living with a guy who was trying to do it though, right?

31:22 Caller Yes.

31:23 Drew You're fairly jovial about the attempted molestation. God bless you. She's giddy. Imagine if he'd raped her, she'd be hysterical. This guy finger-banged me. That's great. Yeah, you should have been there. I wish you had a video camera.

31:39 Adam All right, Alexis, I don't think that's the big issue. I just think you got to work with your husband. Maybe-

31:43 Drew Oral sex?

31:45 Caller We've been working on this for- All right.

31:46 Drew How about you getting going? How about you getting going with vibrator or water jet or something?

31:55 Caller Well, another thing, okay, I'm really open to more things now, but I hadn't been for a long time, I think.

32:03 Drew All right, listen, Alexis, here's what you need to do. Work on yourself minus your husband, get yourself a vibrator, check it out, find your space, find your spot, and then you can start incorporating him.

32:17 Adam There you go. All right?

32:18 Caller I have something true to tell you that. I know for a fact. I worked in like special ed department with a lot of teachers and stuff, and what I always heard from these women, 99% of all women masturbate, and the other 1% is lying.

32:32 Adam No, that's a man.

32:33 Drew That's a man.

32:34 Caller They were wrong. They never believed me.

32:36 Adam No, a lot of women do, but it's not as prevalent as with men.

32:39 Drew These are special ed teachers?

32:41 Adam Nice.

32:41 Oh.

32:44 Drew Hey, God bless those special ed people, I think.

32:48 Yeah. All right.

32:48 Drew Jessica.

32:50 Guest Hello.

32:51 Drew You're 15. What's up?

32:52 Guest Okay. I was with my boyfriend at the mall, and my dad comes up and he straightened my face.

32:57 Caller He tells me, what are you doing with this white boy?

33:00 Guest Then he starts going on and on about how I shouldn't date white people when his wife is white.

33:05 Adam This is in front of everybody?

33:07 Caller Yeah, in front of my boyfriend.

33:08 Guest Now he won't even talk to me because he's scared he's going to get me in trouble.

33:10 Adam Wait, so he's black, you're mixed, right?

33:13 Guest I'm white.

33:14 Drew How do you know what she is?

33:16 Adam She said his wife is white.

33:18 Caller My dad's wife is white.

33:20 Drew Well, maybe they're not black.

33:21 Adam But that's not your mom?

33:22 Drew Mexican or something.

33:23 Guest OK, see, look, I'm Dominican Republic, Nicaraguan, and black. And I get the Dominican Republic and the Nicaraguan from my father.

33:30 Caller And he is married to a white woman.

33:33 Guest They have a little white little son.

33:35 Drew Wait, where did you get the black part then?

33:37 Guest My mother.

33:39 Drew Well, he's married to a black woman, but that's not a white woman. But that, I mean, that's not your original mom.

33:45 Adam So he has for himself, he's not particularly concerned about race issues.

33:50 Caller I guess.

33:50 Adam But somehow for you.

33:52 Caller Yeah, it's like.

33:53 Guest And he said it like right in front of him. He didn't like pull me aside to tell me he said it right in front of him.

33:57 Adam Did he explain why?

33:58 Guest No, he just like, no, you shouldn't be in the parents.

34:01 Adam It's so bizarre.

34:02 Drew All right, wait a minute. I'm trying to get this. You're Dominican Republican, black and Nicaraguan. Right. And he's you don't like that. How you guys do with the El Salvadorians? You're still not into them, huh? You don't like those people?

34:17 Caller I don't know.

34:18 Drew OK.

34:19 She's fine. She's American.

34:20 Drew And your boyfriend is what?

34:22 Caller White.

34:23 Is white.

34:24 Drew And in your dad's black. Your dad's Mexican. Your mom's black.

34:29 Adam Yeah. He's Hispanic.

34:31 Drew And he doesn't want you to date the white guy? Exactly.

34:36 Adam His wife is black. His wife is white now.

34:38 Drew He has a new wife. New wife is white.

34:40 Adam All of them is black.

34:41 Drew All right.

34:44 Adam Well, it's great. I mean, it's good. But why he chooses to set limits with you on this stuff is very bizarre.

34:50 Drew Well, what does he want you to date?

34:52 Guest I don't know.

34:53 I guess he wants me to date black people.

34:55 Guest But I'm like, a lot of times, I'm not attracted to black people because a lot of black boys around here in DC, like, have cornrows. And I don't like that. I don't like the braids in their hair.

35:03 Drew Oh, I see.

35:04 Guest Yeah.

35:05 Drew I like the cornrows. It's just when they pull them out, it gets a little scary. Ever see when they, like, Snoop Dogg pulls those cornrows out? Especially when, like, half his head is undone and the other half is in cornrow. One half is, like, bozo. And the other half is all pulled back. All right. Well, what about finding yourself a nice Nicaraguan guy or Dominican guy?

35:25 Guest Because. Why would I go with somebody to make my father happy?

35:28 Caller I'm giving somebody to make me happy.

35:29 Adam But I would think, Jessica, you wouldn't really be perceiving people's color that much because you were raised around lots of different ethnicities. So you're not going to be sort of thinking that way. Oh, listen. The only time I've seen parents really take issue with this is when they themselves had a hard time as a mixed-race couple and they don't want to see you go through that as a child.

35:49 Drew Or they're prejudiced.

35:50 Adam But how could they be if they're not an issue to them interpersonally?

35:53 Drew Well, sometimes people can have their own life and project it on to others. I mean, that happens a lot. All right. Hey, Jessica. You date a nice, stay with the white guy.

36:06 Adam Whatever.

36:07 Guest Don't talk to me because he doesn't want to get me in trouble.

36:10 Drew The white guy?

36:11 Guest Yes, he will not call me. He doesn't talk to me at school. He doesn't do anything. He just like-

36:15 Adam He's a white guy.

36:16 Drew Hold on. Let me talk to Drew for a second.

36:17 Adam He's a pussy.

36:18 Drew No, no, he's not a pussy. He doesn't like her.

36:20 Adam Oh, okay.

36:21 Drew Think about that.

36:22 Adam Maybe dad's really scared the hell out of him.

36:24 Drew Well, what does the dad's make up? Because let me tell you, Dominican, black, and Nicaraguan, that's like a Doberman and Rottweiler being mixed together. Of course, the guy's scared. What you want is Jew with a little sprinkling of Asian. That's an ass you can kick. You don't want that black Nicaraguan and Dominican. That's like some sort of- All you got to do is sprinkle a little like a Shiite Muslim in there, and you got some kind of black belt terrorist with a machine gun. That's horrible. Like I said, that's Pitbull, a Doberman, and a Rottweiler.

37:00 Adam That's the way you just in one fell swoop create racial epithets that cover most of humanity.

37:06 Drew That's a compliment. I'm paying them a compliment.

37:09 Adam Yeah. All right. Let's take a break.

37:11 Drew All right. Hold on, Jessica. This guy is white and he's scared. That's all.

37:16 Adam Probably.

37:16 Drew But he doesn't like you anymore because he'd talk to you at school.

37:21 Well, he doesn't talk to me.

37:23 Drew I know. If he-

37:24 Guest He'd hold me this little card and he says, oh, I can't talk to you because I don't want to get in trouble.

37:28 Drew I know. But that just means he's done with the relationship. I'm sorry to drop that bomb on you, but everyone close your eyes and then touch the roof of your mouth. No. Everyone picture someone you're really into and you run into their dad and their dad says, you two got to break up and you're really into this person and they see you at school and they want to come up and talk to you and you go, no, I can't talk to them. That ain't a person you're into. What you do is you talk to them and you go, hey, next time we meet, let's not have your dad running around.

38:01 Adam Yeah.

38:01 Drew Right?

38:02 Adam Yeah.

38:02 Drew Right. All right. We'll take a break. Listen, I'm just tired of talking. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191-FACT-NUMBER-3-1-0-HAB-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH- Oh man, I took a nap today, brother. Oh, didn't even know where I was.

39:02 Adam Good.

39:03 Drew Oh, I was in strong, I was in deep. And it was one of those naps, I was in so deep that when the outside noises started, I started working them in.

39:15 Adam The dream.

39:16 Drew Yeah, my maid was downstairs with the vacuum. Boy, I sound like big time, don't I? She only comes once every other week, but the boy, she was vacuuming, I worked that S right into my dream. I was being naturally, it's never a good thing. Someone fires up a vacuum. I'm getting sucked through some porthole in time.

39:38 Adam It's a half track?

39:39 Drew Yeah.

39:40 Adam It's like running over you?

39:41 Drew Yeah. I'm being sucked down some sewer drain or something. It can never just be a good noise. Couldn't be some sort of vacuum device on my penis or something. I have to be getting sucked into some storm drain. But anyway, man, it was good. Joe?

39:58 Yeah, what's happening?

39:59 Drew I'm still asleep from this afternoon's nap.

40:02 Hope you enjoyed it.

40:03 Drew I shan't remember this show.

40:05 Hope you enjoyed it.

40:06 Drew Thank you.

40:07 Reason I'm calling, all right, I'm 28. I have a really good friend that I've known, or we've known for like seven years, he's gay. And you know, he's always been one of the strange ones, but a really cool guy, whatever, whatever, you know, we've helped him through a lot. He's been through a lot of, you know, crap in his life, whatever. But now I think he's messing around with like a kid, he's probably like 15.

40:26 Adam Wait, who is this guy, the 30 year old?

40:28 Drew Friend of his.

40:29 Just a friend, you know, we used to live next to him in some apartments, you know, we've known him for a long time.

40:32 Adam I see.

40:33 You know, but someone we hung out with and helped out.

40:35 Adam Who's we?

40:35 Gay Bob, right?

40:37 My wife and I.

40:37 Adam Your wife and you?

40:38 We lived in the apartments before we got married and we've known him for seven years, you know.

40:42 Adam I see. And what makes you think he's with this 15 year old now?

40:47 Just like, when he just recently moved closer like to us and he doesn't work or anything, he's home all the time, he's on disability.

40:54 Adam From what? What's the disability?

40:56 Working it. It started, you know, as a mental type thing.

40:59 Adam Yeah.

40:59 He was supposed to be on medication, but he doesn't really need the medication. That made him worse.

41:03 Adam Uh, no, wait a minute. People don't get on chronic disability for psychiatric reasons that don't need to be on medicine.

41:09 Um, well, he tried to work it that way because he was in jail already and he didn't want to be in that portion. So it kind of just leaned towards that way.

41:17 Adam Jail for what?

41:19 He was in jail for like, he just happened to be with somebody who had drugs in the car or something like that. Ended up in jail and didn't really like that portion of it. Didn't fit in so well and he thought that he was ill.

41:28 Drew And you have a sister who could possibly marry this guy? Sounds like a lovely chap. Alright, so Joe, here's a deal. You think that he's feeling up some fifteen-year-old, right?

41:39 The thing is, it's weird, you know, and I found out not too long ago and it really pissed me off. Apparently when he was like fourteen he went off to camp and he was a kid. You know, some older guy, a counselor or something was with him and I was telling him, you know, that's sick and somebody had to beat that dude's ass. He should be found and buried basically. You know, that's totally wrong.

41:56 Adam Right.

41:56 And he was just like, no, no, I was into it, you know.

41:59 Adam Right, because somebody got to him when he was a little kid.

42:02 Drew Somebody turned him gay.

42:04 Adam No, but somebody sexually abused him when he was a little little kid.

42:06 Drew And turned him gay. Joe?

42:08 Yeah.

42:09 Drew Alright, so here's a deal. A, probably not a great friend. B, if you think that this guy is screwing around with a 15-year-old, you should report him.

42:19 Adam You gotta call the police. And then stop idealizing him. He's a criminal. He's got psychiatric problems. He's not compliant with his medication. This guy's real serious trouble. And now he's damaging a 15-year-old.

42:32 Drew Let me tell you the problem with everybody. I've done a fair amount of this with my friends. People you know, all of a sudden they're okay. He's killed a few people.

42:40 Adam Right.

42:41 Drew Sure, he breaks into hospitals and steals medical supplies and, you know, doesn't pay taxes and beats his wife a little.

42:50 Adam But he's such a nice guy.

42:51 Drew You don't know her, but he's a decent guy.

42:52 Caller He's a, no, no, no, no.

42:53 Drew No, no, he's an all right guy. You gotta know him.

42:57 Adam He just, the only reason he went to jail in the first place, he just happened to be in the car. Somebody else had the drugs. I mean, he just got a bad rap. Wait a minute.

43:03 Drew I know, I know. You know, it's funny, too. Listen, I don't even care if someone is a criminal.

43:09 Adam They don't go to jail.

43:10 Drew I meet people that are A-holes and people are like, Stu's a little bit of an A-hole.

43:15 Caller You got to get to know him.

43:16 Drew I'm like, no, I don't.

43:18 Caller They're like, sure.

43:19 Drew Once you guys spend like a good weekend together in Palm Springs in a bungalow, then you'll realize that Stu is like, why do I want to get to know a guy who's an A-hole better? You know what I mean? People are like, no, no, no, no. You'll find out one day and I'm like, who cares? Yeah. Although a lot of people feel that way about me.

43:38 Adam It's true.

43:38 Drew I must admit.

43:39 Adam No.

43:40 Drew They don't? No, I do. I get a lot of reports.

43:44 Adam What do you mean?

43:45 Drew Jimmy told me this weekend, he said, we just were hanging out with some people in San Francisco and they thought I didn't like them. Just because of the way you behave. Yeah. Jimmy goes, I get that a lot. A lot of people don't think I like them.

44:02 Adam But you don't.

44:03 Drew But I don't.

44:05 Adam I know you well enough to know that's true.

44:07 Drew I didn't want to say anything to Jimmy, but that's true. You're right.

44:09 Caller All right.

44:10 Adam The only thing I like about Jimmy says is he tells you to just take it easy on me when you get outlandish.

44:15 Drew Oh, really?

44:16 Caller Does he?

44:19 TJ.

44:20 Drew TJ.

44:21 Yeah.

44:22 Adam All right.

44:22 Drew You're 17. What's up?

44:24 Caller I've been trying to do or fix on my girlfriend, but I can't bring myself to do it.

44:31 Adam You don't like it?

44:32 Caller I don't. I haven't tried it, not to like it. I just can't do it.

44:36 Drew Why can't you do it?

44:40 Caller I don't know. I get close. I get to the value of it.

44:43 Adam He reminds me of watching the people in Survivor trying to eat maggots.

44:46 Drew Did they try to eat maggots?

44:47 Adam They ate them, yeah.

44:48 Drew Oh, yeah.

44:49 Adam Giant ones.

44:50 Drew Oh, giant maggots?

44:51 Caller Yeah.

44:53 Caller I was wondering what should I do?

44:56 Drew What's your nationality?

44:58 Caller Black.

44:59 Drew Yeah.

44:59 Caller All right.

45:00 Drew From where? You have a genetic predisposition not to like to eat out a woman. There's a problem there. Black guys don't like that.

45:07 Adam Jamaicans particularly, isn't that right?

45:09 Drew Yeah. Listen, all you people who want to think that there's no differences between any culture, good or bad, there are differences. Black guys don't like going down on women so much.

45:20 Adam That's interesting.

45:21 Drew I don't know what it is. They got such big penises, they don't have to. Yeah, you have to. That's what it is. I have to. Are you kidding? I got to get down there at the door before the date starts.

45:32 Adam It's actually part of evolution. White guys had to compensate many, many generations ago.

45:36 Drew That's right. The Corollas were all had their head. The family crest. Remember I used to tell you it was a dumpster with a futon leaned up against it, which used to be the Corolla family crest. It is now, I realize it's parted legs and my dad coming up for air.

45:55 Adam In order to reproduce, you had to develop these alternative mechanisms.

45:58 Drew Right, right. Black guys don't have to do that. They have no waste in a big schlong and a washboard abs. Hey TJ. Yeah. I just jump in. You're 17. Just jump in. I don't overthink it. Just jump in. Very interesting point. Yes. It's true. Like if you're a guy with a beer gut and you're lily white and you have a small penis, you sure as hell better get down there and get busy. What else is there? You know what I mean? What's the incentive? Why come back for seconds?

46:34 Adam Why start in the first place?

46:36 Drew Interesting.

46:37 Adam And so that whole skill, skill and preference needed to evolve.

46:42 Drew The black man with the thin waist, the washboard abs and the big penis does not have to go down there.

46:47 Adam It just didn't evolve as a necessary element of preference, taste or skill.

46:52 Drew Interesting. But what about the enlarged nostrils the black man has for breathing? Would that be something that would be useful during the oral sex?

47:00 Adam No. It's just getting to do more oxygen during the actual intercourse.

47:03 Drew Oh, during the intercourse. Interesting. Interesting. All right. All food for thought, everybody. We're going to take ourselves a little break. When we come back, we'll speak to Christian, who's 23, started masturbating and helped herself sleep. Once we know if that's normal, we'll tell her it is after this.

47:20 Guest Loveline. 1-800-LOVE-191.

47:22 Drew We'll be right back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh yeah. Hey, Coolio going to be in here later in the week, SR71 and Cindy Margolis.

48:18 Adam You won't be.

48:20 Drew No, I won't. Strikers going to fill in tomorrow night?

48:24 Adam Yep.

48:24 Drew And then.

48:26 Adam Fabulous.

48:26 Drew David Alan Greer is going to be in here for two nights. David Alan Greer is a very funny, very smart, very troubled young man. No, he's a very nice guy. He's got a ton of energy. I'm guessing he was molested when he was younger, but he, I don't know where he gets that energy, but he's got a ton of energy. And he, anyone who knows him from In Living Color, or McKill's Navy, let's not bring that up, many of his movies, but especially In Living Color. I mean, this guy is a talent, and he's gonna come in here for a couple nights and hang in with Drew, and he doesn't have to, but he's gonna, and God bless him. All right, just hope he doesn't do too good a job. Christian?

49:13 Caller Yeah.

49:13 Drew You're 23.

49:14 Caller Yeah.

49:15 Caller All right.

49:17 Caller I'm calling because I have started masturbating in my sleep.

49:23 Adam If you're asleep, how do you know that?

49:25 Caller Because my boyfriend has told me. I live with my boyfriend, and he tells me that I'll just start masturbating, and most of the time I'll finish myself off, but...

49:37 Adam Is that something you've ever done when you're awake?

49:39 Caller No, I do it when I'm awake, too, but I've never done it while I've been sleeping.

49:43 Adam Well, now you have.

49:46 Drew All right, that's a good time. Listen, real quick, all that stuff you do when you're asleep that everyone puts a ton of thought and credence and...

49:56 Adam Importance...

49:56 Drew .effort and importance into, forget it. All those dreams you have, forget them. All that stuff you do when you roll over and you grab your girlfriend's ass, forget it.

50:05 Adam You're asleep.

50:06 Drew You're asleep, just forget it, it don't mean anything.

50:08 Adam But interestingly, the same thing can be said of what you do when you're on drugs.

50:12 Drew You mean forget it?

50:14 Adam Well, you're on drugs.

50:16 Drew Well, so what's your point?

50:17 Adam Just the point that people don't think about. It's easy for people to accept sleep as like, obviously, no big deal. But on drugs, somehow, there's got to be meaning and motivation. And hey, you're on drugs. You do weird stuff when you're on drugs.

50:29 Drew Yeah, but no, I would also argue, I would argue it was the other way around. Like, hey, I did a bunch of stupid ass when I was drunk. Well, you were drunk. What are you going to do? But that seems to mean something that every time you get loaded, you decide to urinate onto a turntable.

50:44 Adam You get loaded too much.

50:45 Drew You get loaded too much. But in your sleep is when everyone tries to distill it down and pick it apart, put to find a point on it. And I'm saying, hey, you're just asleep. You do stupid stuff. Once in a while, you wake up and the phone rings and you pick up the alarm clock and start talking into it. You're not having a brain tumor. You haven't been abducted. You're asleep. That's the way that goes. Josh?

51:11 Caller Yeah.

51:12 Drew You're 17.

51:13 Caller Yeah. First of all, I want to say you guys both rock. I have been listening to you guys for years. Finally got through one of these times. But I've got a question for, I guess, Adam.

51:22 Caller Yeah.

51:25 Caller Hopefully you can help me out with this. Me and my boy and this girl that I'm really into went out to club last night and all three of us were rolling face.

51:35 Adam We were doing what? I'm sorry.

51:37 Caller We weren't accessing. I'm sorry.

51:38 Drew The rolling. They call it rolling face, did you say?

51:41 Caller Yeah.

51:42 Drew I thought it was just called rolling.

51:43 Caller Well, when it's really hard and when you're really into it, I heard rolling face.

51:48 Drew Rolling face. All right.

51:49 Adam Rolling is doing XA, rolling face is doing a lot of XA.

51:53 Caller Well, not necessarily a lot of it, but getting a really, really good roll out of it.

51:57 Drew All right. Something like Far Out, that would be good?

52:02 Caller I haven't heard that one in a while, but I could throw it in once in a while.

52:07 Drew There's not enough of that humor on TV anymore, either, Drew. You ever see it where the parent says, far up?

52:14 Adam Groovy.

52:16 Drew No, but they mispronounce it.

52:18 Adam Right.

52:18 Drew Where the white cop on Sanford and Son would come in and he'd go, what it ain't? Give me three, my man. It was always like screwing up lingo. It was real funny. It was a Brady Bunch where Alice would go, wow, that's heavy, far up. It would always screw it up and it was always a big laugh track there. Yeah. That doesn't happen anymore. Am I in the right place?

52:46 Adam No, you were on three.

52:46 Drew I was on three? I'm sorry about that. Josh?

52:49 Caller Yeah, groovy.

52:50 Drew Yeah. So you're rolling face.

52:51 Caller Right. He was all up on her and he knew how into I was and everything. I pulled him aside, let him know what's up, told him to back off because I wasn't chill with what he was doing.

53:04 Caller Pull him right to the chill.

53:07 Caller The second that we got back to where we were sitting, first thing he did was just get right back on her and start hugging her, hanging all over and pulled her away to go down. All right.

53:17 Drew But he had a ton of X in him.

53:20 Caller I'm saying.

53:20 Adam That's just what we were talking about a few minutes ago. He's on drugs.

53:23 Drew You go out with a girl you like, you bring one of your buddies, you get them all hopped up on X, and then you're surprised when he's dancing with her.

53:30 Caller I mean, like, I was chill with him dancing everything on X, but then it continued over in Tonight. I mean, like.

53:35 Drew Well, then what happened?

53:36 Caller He knew how upset I was in everything, and he went ahead and asked her out, and then I saw him before he went out with her tonight, and he totally, like, played it off, and I was like, I asked him straight up, are you two chilling tonight? And he tried to find, like, a way of weaving out of it. He was like, well, yeah, but we're also chilling with these people tonight, so it's not like we're going alone.

53:58 Drew They were just going to his hissy or his crib or something like that?

54:03 Adam But here's the reality, she's not into you, she's into him.

54:05 Caller Excuse me?

54:06 Adam That's the reality here, right?

54:08 Drew He heard it.

54:08 Caller No, I didn't hear what he said.

54:09 Drew I know, but you heard every word we said except for the part where Drew said, she's into him and not into you.

54:14 Caller I know, I thought you said.

54:16 Drew I know, she's in.

54:16 Caller I need to catch that, but I really didn't hear.

54:18 Drew Listen, sorry, Josh. She's into, she's in, there's two choices here. She's either into him and not into you, or she was into both of you and he happened to step up.

54:32 Adam So, either way, it's game over.

54:34 Drew It's game off.

54:35 Caller The thing is, tonight, he was my best friend for years, and tonight I called him up and I totally just told him, I never want to talk to him again, never want to see him again.

54:45 Drew Good, and he's like, hey, can I call you back? I'm getting blown.

54:49 Caller No, actually, he was pretty bummed about it. He was telling me that all the stuff that I thought wasn't true.

54:54 Drew I know, but listen, but Josh, Josh, hold on a second, hold on.

54:58 Adam This is the energy you and I lost many years ago.

55:00 Drew Yeah, you like this girl and he likes this girl.

55:04 Caller I do like this girl, she does. I think he does like her.

55:07 Drew He does like her, that's why he's chilling with her. That's why Holmes is chilling with her, all right? Now, he's trying to play it off to you, like he's not that into her, because he knows you're into her.

55:18 Adam You're gonna freak.

55:19 Drew And he's tired of you talking about it, but he's into her. All right? And if you could be with her, you'd be with her too. And he's with her for the same reasons you want to be with her.

55:30 Adam And she's responding to him.

55:30 Drew And this stuff goes on all the time, and it happens. And sometimes you lose, and other times you lose. That's why.

55:39 Adam That was your story.

55:40 Drew That's what I found out. You lose some, you lose some. That's the message that was driven home to me when I was in high school. You really, listen, here's the deal.

55:50 Adam It's a shame to sacrifice a friendship over this.

55:52 Drew Here's what I'm going to say some to all you screwed up teenage boys out there. If you got a girlfriend, and she is your girlfriend, and one of your boys moves in on her, hey, that's grounds for dismissal.

56:04 Adam For both of them.

56:04 Drew For her and him. But if you're liking some chick, and you're just floating around, and you ain't making a move, it's like, if you're in an auction, and something comes up on the block, some Carl Yastrinsky trading card that you got your heart set on, but you don't raise your hand, and your buddy does, he gets the card, that's his card.

56:27 Adam It's your fault.

56:29 Drew And it's your fault. Now, if it was stolen from your collection by him, that's different.

56:35 Adam And if maybe you didn't have the money to pay for the card, another, but still his card.

56:39 Drew Are we really talking about a card right now, or are we talking about a girl?

56:41 Adam But you know what I mean, sometimes it's not the right match. She may not be into this guy. Right.

56:46 Drew But the auction analogy is a good one.

56:49 Adam I think so.

56:50 Drew You got to raise your hand as a guy. And if you're just going to sit there in the audience and hover around and wonder whether to make a move or not, someone else is going to make a move and go home with whatever's up on the block. And in that case, it's vagina. We got ourselves a vagina. What I am able to say, but it is able to say, but the phrase for that is a hymen intact. What do you say?

57:12 Adam It's also normal.

57:17 Drew You ever see those guys?

57:18 Adam Oh, sure.

57:18 Drew I did one of those. I modeled a raccoon coat or something for some sports show like three weeks ago in Vegas. And it was a bunch of old codgers out there, and they're like a bunch of gray hairs in their 70s or at some sports show, and they didn't seem to like me or know who I was or anything.

57:39 Adam How the hell did you get wrapped into that one?

57:40 Drew It's a long story, but I grabbed the microphone from the guy, and I was wearing this camel hair full length duster or something. It was like five, the jacket was worth like 1800 bucks, but it only got like 354 probably because I was wearing it. But I grabbed the mic from the guy at a certain point, and I said, real sternly and seriously, I said, listen, don't expect this jacket to look this good on any of you. I was making a joke, but it was stunned silence of the ballroom of some big hotel. It was like 700 people, no one laughed. I realized, okay, they're just pissed off now.

58:15 Adam Mental note, do not go on stage with Adam Corolla ever again. I had that same experience of the Teen Choice Awards with you.

58:20 Drew How dare you? How dare you? What? You mean when I said that the entire audience would die of?

58:28 Adam Syphilis.

58:29 Drew Syphilis before their 18th birthday?

58:30 Adam Yeah, I think that is something to do with it.

58:32 Drew I didn't say the entire audience.

58:33 Adam Most of you in the audience.

58:34 Drew I said, Dr. Drew told me backstage that 40% of you will dive syphilis before your 18th birthday.

58:43 Adam Then the cricket sound came in. And so you figure, now let's see who I left out. Oh, Ricky Lakes backstage. I got to install her now too.

58:52 Drew You know what I'm starting to realize? Stuff that I think is funny, other people don't think is funny sometimes. Yeah, like most of the time.

59:00 Yeah.

59:01 Drew It's tough being a comedian when the stuff you think is funny is the stuff other people don't think is funny. It's almost one of the elements you need as a comedian if you really think about it. You know what I mean? Like it'd be like being an interior decorator and the stuff you like is the stuff everyone else hates. That's rough.

59:19 Adam It's a true artiste, though, after all.

59:22 Drew That's right, that is right.

59:23 Adam You're not encumbered by style.

59:25 Drew Nobody asks the Cezanne or Van Gogh what they like. They don't paint it the way I like it.

59:32 Adam They hate it, in fact.

59:33 Drew That's right, that's right.

59:34 Adam So when you're dead and gone, we'll all learn to appreciate what you've delivered in this country.

59:39 Thank God, thank God.

59:41 Drew Well, as you know, I have a plan to fake my own death and then commit suicide.

59:48 Adam Remember what you said about things you thought were funny?

59:50 Drew There's a subtle difference. All right, John? Yeah. What's up?

59:55 Caller Man, first of all, I want to tell you guys, you guys are great guys. Love you guys.

59:59 Caller Hey, I'm Adam.

1:00:00 Caller I saw you last time.

1:00:02 Caller You and Jimmy were playing softball.

1:00:05 Caller Where?

1:00:05 Caller Oh, at Montecito.

1:00:08 Adam Santa Barbara?

1:00:09 Caller No, in LA.

1:00:10 Caller It's in Montecito.

1:00:11 Drew Oh, yeah. Were you on that other team?

1:00:14 Caller No. I don't know if you remember my brother Josh.

1:00:19 Caller I don't know.

1:00:20 Caller You probably know. You see a lot of people.

1:00:22 Drew What was your brother doing?

1:00:24 Caller He's the one who said that we had our band going.

1:00:27 Drew We were playing at a park, right?

1:00:29 Caller Yeah, you guys were playing at a park.

1:00:30 Drew You guys were hanging out?

1:00:32 Caller Yeah.

1:00:34 Caller Yeah.

1:00:35 Drew I got some game, right?

1:00:36 Caller Yeah, you got some game. You and Jimmy, pretty good.

1:00:38 Caller Yeah, all right.

1:00:40 Caller Well, I was in the hospital a while ago for like overdosing.

1:00:47 Adam On what?

1:00:48 Caller You know what? The drug that came out, it came out negative. The test, it came out negative.

1:00:54 Adam What did you take?

1:00:55 Caller I was smoking weed and I overdosed. I had to go to emergency room.

1:01:00 Adam What do you mean you overdosed? What happened?

1:01:01 Caller Like, I don't know, I was smoking weed, but they found the substance in it, but it came out negative because they said it was not.

1:01:08 Adam What do you mean you overdosed? What caused you to go to the hospital?

1:01:11 Caller You know what? I'm not sure. They said that it was the...

1:01:14 Adam John, did you stop breathing?

1:01:17 Caller Yeah, like my heart started pumping really fast.

1:01:19 Adam Right.

1:01:20 Caller It was fast. They said that it got it to about 180.

1:01:23 Adam Right.

1:01:23 Caller And I came real close to dying, but they said that it could have been a new drug. That's why it didn't detect it.

1:01:30 Drew You mean the weed was laced with something?

1:01:32 Caller Yeah, it was laced with something. I got it laced.

1:01:34 Adam So it's not an overdose. It's just some sort of drug exposure. You sure it wasn't just the drug itself?

1:01:39 Caller You know, it could have been.

1:01:41 Adam And you just had some sort of awful panic attack or something?

1:01:44 Caller Yeah, it was kind of like a panic attack. I had to go to the emergency room. Anyway, so they were giving me a test. And they made me stick a Q-tip in my penis.

1:01:58 Adam They're looking for sexually transmitted diseases?

1:02:00 Caller Yeah, like a swap thing. Well, I rubbed like, you know how you have to stick it in about an inch while you only stick it in like about a little bit. And I had like a nip on my side of my penis, and I kind of rubbed it on the side. And like about three days later, I started getting like a little blister. And it started hurting, like pus started coming out.

1:02:20 Adam Oh, boy. On the scan, not inside the urethra.

1:02:23 Caller Yeah, not inside.

1:02:25 Drew Oh, my Johnson's starting to hurt now.

1:02:28 Caller Where I rubbed it and like a little blister started coming out. And like for the first day, it started like about the first couple of days, like pus started coming out. And then after like now, blood's coming out. Ouch!

1:02:42 Drew So wait a minute.

1:02:43 Adam I can't quite picture what you've done.

1:02:46 Drew Listen, they gave him the suave and told him to put up his penis?

1:02:50 Adam Yeah.

1:02:50 Drew Did they do that?

1:02:52 Adam You can do it that way.

1:02:53 Caller Why don't they do more of that?

1:02:55 Adam So it's so puritanically gratifying to cram a Q-tip up.

1:03:03 Drew Yes. How far do you have to put up there?

1:03:06 Adam Just barely in.

1:03:08 Drew Just barely in. Why in? Just to get whatever's inside of the urethra?

1:03:11 Adam You gotta swab the surface.

1:03:13 Drew Of the urethra. And the last eighth of an inch or so is considered the outside of your penis.

1:03:19 Adam Right.

1:03:20 Drew So you gotta get in what, a quarter, three-eighths? Yeah, a quarter. Five-sixteenths.

1:03:23 Adam Quarter max, yeah.

1:03:25 Drew Quarter max, healthy quarter? Yeah.

1:03:28 Adam What's that about?

1:03:28 Drew Five-sixteenths. A quarter's, you're looking between my fingers.

1:03:35 Adam That's quarter?

1:03:36 Drew Well, that's a healthy quarter.

1:03:38 Adam Give me an unhealthy quarter, then.

1:03:39 Drew You want a light quarter? Three-sixteenths. Yeah. All right. So what should you do? Get back to the-

1:03:46 Adam Yeah. Somebody needs to look at this. I can't even picture what he's describing. It's some sort of infection, obviously, and I wonder if he perforated part of the urethra with the- he said he scraped something inside there and it might have really done something.

1:03:56 Drew Let's talk to Derek. Derek is 21. Derek?

1:03:58 Caller What's up, Adam?

1:03:59 Drew What is happening?

1:04:01 Caller Not much, man.

1:04:02 Caller How are you doing, Dr. Drew?

1:04:03 Caller Derek?

1:04:05 Caller Say, Adam, I got your regulation backboard sizes.

1:04:08 Drew Oh, good. Please lay those on me because as I said, I bought myself a basketball backboard today and I went with the glass. Real glass. Do you hear me, all you low renters out there?

1:04:22 Adam It's not-

1:04:23 Drew Real glass over the Carolla house.

1:04:25 Caller Yeah, but you know what the deal is, Adam?

1:04:26 Adam I mean see-through, not glass. It's lucite, right?

1:04:29 Drew No, it is glass.

1:04:31 Adam Really?

1:04:32 Drew Yes.

1:04:33 You know what they're saying now?

1:04:34 Drew Because I'm going to do Coke off it later on.

1:04:36 Adam What are they saying?

1:04:37 Drew I'm going to do vertical Coke lines.

1:04:38 The prices are Lexans actually more expensive.

1:04:41 Adam The what?

1:04:42 Caller Lexan, like plastic Lexan.

1:04:44 Drew No, I was told that the lucite or the plexiglass was like 500 bucks cheaper than the glass.

1:04:53 Caller Well, anyway, here's your sizes, bro.

1:04:55 Drew Yeah.

1:04:55 Three and a half feet by six feet.

1:04:58 Drew Yeah, that's 42 by 72.

1:05:00 Caller Yup.

1:05:01 Drew There, that's what I'm getting.

1:05:02 Caller I think what are they like?

1:05:04 Caller I think they're an inch and a half thick too, so.

1:05:06 Drew Yeah. I don't really care what the thickness is so much, just as long as it's a real glass.

1:05:14 Caller I think you can get them with lifetime warranties too.

1:05:16 Caller So if you take one.

1:05:17 Drew Yeah, well, you know, they called me Chocolate Thunder in high school because I used to take down a lot of the backboards.

1:05:23 Caller Especially if you have a little door number, right?

1:05:25 Drew No, I did it with a BB gun. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't hanging on any rim. I did it from the stands with a BB gun trunk. Yeah. All right, Derek, thanks for that.

1:05:36 Caller I got a question for you. Oh, boy.

1:05:38 Caller What was up with Stryker last week?

1:05:40 Caller It felt like two hours of lightning round.

1:05:43 Drew Oh, really? Well, he's a radio guy. Oh, man.

1:05:46 I was dying.

1:05:47 Drew What's wrong with the two hours of the lightning round?

1:05:49 Caller Oh, it's crazy.

1:05:51 Drew Well, what do you mean? It was too fast-paced?

1:05:53 Caller Yeah, compared to you normally. The commentaries were out there.

1:05:58 Drew Well, I'm high on Quaaludes and Picardy. That's the problem. Let me explain how this show works and what the problem is and how it goes. I am told constantly to take more calls and stop talking about my dad and my backboard and my garbage man and all the tons of other things that don't interest the people who listen to this show. My problem is, is I cannot do that because the day I We noticed. The day I do that, it's the day I lose interest in the show because I'm not talking about my own life.

1:06:29 Adam But me.

1:06:30 Drew And me. And I like to refer to myself, moi. All right? And I've been told since I started this show five years ago, take more calls and hurry up and enough of your personal insights and stories. But I can't do it. I can't do it. I find myself so fascinating and I can't accept that people don't either.

1:06:48 Adam All things we know well.

1:06:50 Drew Right. And then I end up...

1:06:52 Adam And then you tell jokes and talk about things that you think are funny, but nobody else does.

1:06:56 Drew That's what I do. That's what makes me a bad comedian. And then I talk about space camp for 15 minutes.

1:07:03 Adam Who brought that up? Somebody brought that up and said, what was with the space camp thing?

1:07:08 Drew Somebody from ABC called me and complimented me on my space camp jag. So how dare you and how dare you? And let me just say this, by the way. I watched that Buzz Lightyear cartoon that I didn't know I was in. You want to know how retarded I am and how far out I am and how distant I am from my own goddamn career? I did a Disney movie and was not aware of it. Yes. When they sent me the movie that I was in, I thought it was the preview or the movie that was going to come out before my cartoon was going to come out.

1:07:43 Adam The real talent performed in it.

1:07:44 Drew The Tim Allen and all the other talent was in, and I ended up giving them away without even looking at them, because I didn't assume that I was in it. Somewhere along the line, I did the voiceover for the current Buzz Lightyear movie that's out on video and had no idea that I was doing it. As somebody who knew me well said, well, they probably told you at some point and you didn't listen. And I said, I started to object, and then I thought, no, you're right. I'm sure they did. And it was just one more thing I wasn't listening to. So if anyone wants to hear the fabulous Commander Nebula on the Buzz Lightyear video, they can go out and get it. It looks pretty good. Of course, I just fast forwarded to my scenes. Jennifer?

1:08:32 Adam Jennifer? She's got to be sleeping.

1:08:35 Drew She's scared of the dark and can't sleep at night. It's ironic that she may be sleeping now. No great attribute you can pay to a radio show host and to fall asleep.

1:08:45 Adam Maybe this is the way she should deal with it.

1:08:48 Drew Start listening to the show. More powerful than any sedative. Adam's Garbage Man story again. Hey, listen, you kids, any of you insomniacs, any folks out there having difficulty sleeping, I'll tell you what we'll do. We'll set up a little time, let's say a few nights from now, where I tell one of my famous high school football stories. And then what you do is you, I'll tell this story about me hitting a home run in high school with a bloody nose. This is a great story I've told many, many times on the air. Now what you do is you record this and then you can take it with you when you travel, you can play it on weekends.

1:09:26 Adam I have it in bed aren't I? We should create one of those little sound machines that create background noises. One of the settings could be Corolla stories.

1:09:34 Drew It says it will be called AR., Adam Rambles.

1:09:38 Adam There's just a little sign of a foot, a little sign of a football there?

1:09:42 Drew No, it's like a Brillo head on a microphone. It just sounds like this. Here's what you would hear. So it would be like Rain, Babbling Brook, Autumn in New England, and then Adam Rambles. In that setting, it would be like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Garbage Man, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Taxes, blah, blah, blah, blah, Kiss My Ass, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Parking Enforcement Personnel, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Dad, blah, blah, blah, blah, Grandma, blah, blah, blah, blah, Mom, blah, blah, blah, football, blah, blah, blah, baseball, blah, blah, blah, construction, blah, blah, blah, love life, blah, blah, blah, not getting paid enough, blah, blah, blah, kiss my ass, blah, blah, blah, blah, literally a millionaire. Don't you think I'd put them right down? That'd be like a tranquilizer dart.

1:10:44 Adam Could create some awful flashbacks, though, too. You have to be real careful with it. It's one of those things that go bad.

1:10:48 Caller You start having bad dreams.

1:10:52 Drew All right. We're going to take our sizzle of bread before I fall asleep. Jennifer is still there.

1:10:57 Adam Is she there?

1:10:58 Drew She went to hole for 90 minutes.

1:10:59 Adam I think she's asleep.

1:11:00 Drew I really do think she's asleep.

1:11:01 Caller Let's listen.

1:11:04 Adam Turn her up.

1:11:05 There she is.

1:11:08 Caller I think I can hear her breathing.

1:11:09 Drew Chicks don't snore.

1:11:12 Adam They have real short. There she is.

1:11:16 Drew They breathe like rabbits, Chicks do. Okay. Remember when our security guard fell asleep on the sofa? I got a 20-foot mic extension, brought it out, put it next to him, and he was sawing logs out there. We did the whole show, and we check in with the sofa mic, and he was out there snoring, and I think he got canned the next day or so.

1:11:35 Adam Yeah, he was not here the next day.

1:11:38 Drew I got to believe that's not my fault.

1:11:40 Adam That's why when they fall asleep now, they sleep in their cars.

1:11:42 Drew Right. All right. We'll take a little break. We'll be back.

1:11:46 Adam Hello? What is this? This is Loveline.

1:11:49 1-800-LOVE-191. Loveline will be right back.

1:12:15 Drew Yep, it is Loveline. And Corolla, that is Dr. Drew. Just got a phone call that one of my friends got arrested for having a pot plant in his house. That's just where we want our tax dollars going, don't we?

1:12:31 Adam You know, I told Bill Martin that I wanted to go on with you on the show again and talk about victimless crimes and teen pregnancy and all the stuff we scream to abuse and parenting and that and one of the kids. All the stuff we scream about here, I want to talk about on PI.

1:12:45 Drew And he said, who are you?

1:12:46 Adam No, he said, yeah, done.

1:12:48 Drew Really?

1:12:48 Adam Yeah.

1:12:50 Drew Listen.

1:12:50 Adam They don't like the couples thing on PI, but they said they do it.

1:12:52 Drew I got to do just a very minor jag here, everybody. Do you realize what percentage of people who are in prison are there because of victimless crimes, the prostitution or pandering for prostitution or pot or drugs or whatever stuff they bring upon themselves? Actually, and don't hurt anybody. And how much money and resources we have tied up in this godforsaken country of ours, stopping people that we don't want stopped.

1:13:25 Adam Right.

1:13:25 Drew And here's my contention.

1:13:26 Adam That aren't going to stop anyway.

1:13:27 Drew That aren't going to stop anyway, but I've said this a thousand times and I know the law enforcement personnel isn't very excited to hear this particular opinion, but here is your job. You do what we want you to do. Let's not lose sight of that.

1:13:44 Adam Well, I think they would agree with that.

1:13:47 Drew Well, there's a lot more guys. Listen, there's three guys sitting around staking out the porn theater to bust Pee Wee Herman. And I don't blame them. If you're a cop, what detail you want to be on? Sitting around watching porn or rolling through some gang infested area getting shot at? Right. Where do you want to be? Where do you want to be as a cop? Getting shot at or watching porn? Do you know what I'm saying? Of course you want to be on that detail. But listen, you're an extension of us and you do what we think is important. And I know this starts with the government and the legislation and the lawmakers. But listen, you crazy idiots. If a guy's got a pot plant in his apartment and he wants to grow it and roll it or hump it or do whatever he wants to do with it, that's his goddamn business. I mean, what kind of country are we living in? Seriously, what do you think the founding fathers would have thought of somebody coming into your home and arresting you because of a plant that you had growing in your sink? You think they would have been excited about that notion? And all you a-holes that are out there yelling about not wanting to register guns and not wanting to get your car smogged and not wanting government, not wanting big government intruding in our lives. Where are you on this stuff? I don't hear you yapping about the pot.

1:15:15 Adam Well, I was talking to Ralph Nader tonight about him.

1:15:17 Drew Where are they with that?

1:15:18 Adam He agrees with you on this one. He just hasn't gotten behind that yet because his question to me was, when do we decide that this is a politically untouchable issue? Why is that untouchable? Why can't I start talking about it? The political pundits won't let him get near it. He's like, hey, I want to talk about this.

1:15:31 Drew What?

1:15:32 Adam About the pot thing.

1:15:33 Drew Yeah, or drugs in general. Or what you want to do to yourself when you're on your own property, on your own time. Whether you want to drink a fifth of tequila, whether you want to drink a fifth of your own urine, whether you want to spank off to some midget clown porn, or whether you want to roll a doobie, you are not breaking any laws. You are inside of your own home. The notion that I pay a ton of taxes, own a home, and can't grow a pot plant in my backyard to me is unconstitutional. And the fact that someone can come onto my property and arrest me for that when I'm not driving on it and I'm paying my taxes is ridiculous.

1:16:16 Adam You gotta get behind the Todd McCormick.

1:16:17 Drew Oh, well he's gone a little off the deep but he's got 7,000 pot plants on someone else's property that he rents. It's not quite the same thing. But the point is, is this where we want our money spent? How many officers gotta show up at the house? How much does it cost to process this? How much is it gonna cost this guy to get an attorney? How much energy and resources goes into nothing? Nothing! Zero! Zero effect on society. Zero! One adult with one pot plant, not in his apartment.

1:16:53 Adam But you know what? I think it's gonna be...

1:16:54 Drew Zero!

1:16:54 Adam It's gonna take about 20 more years for this really to be mainstream, mainstream.

1:16:59 Drew Cops... No, we need to be 50 for that to be...

1:17:02 Adam Listen to me.

1:17:03 Drew Politicians and then need to tell cops, here's what you do. And here's... Okay, let me say two things real fast and we'll get back to the show.

1:17:12 Adam Of course, it'll be fast.

1:17:12 Drew As politicians, you know what your job is? You do what the F we want you to do.

1:17:19 Adam Figure out what we want them to do.

1:17:21 Drew We can all agree we don't give a rat's ass about some guy who's got a pot plant in his crappy apartment, alright? Then you tell the cops to do what you want them to do, which is what we want them to do, which is what we told your sorry ass to do. That's the way it has to work. And guys who are going out and getting laid, and we don't want a hundred of you trying to bust Heidi Fleiss. We don't want five of you camped out in some Dade County porn shop trying to bust Pee Wee Herman, and we don't want a bunch of you rolling in bussing my friend with a pot plant. Because it doesn't affect us. We don't care. We're worried about our own safety, not about guys who are whacking off or getting stoned. Why that is not the easiest thing to figure out in the entire planet, I don't know. Why that wasn't abolished years ago, and why no one is talking about it, I can't figure out. And where are you gun pussies? Because, hold on a second. Where are you pussies? Always talking about your amendments and your rights. Where are you? Where are you when it comes to this?

1:18:27 Adam You know what?

1:18:28 Drew You're hiding, you pussies. You're a bunch of right-wing God-fearing freaks, and all you care about is your guns and abortion, but you don't care about anything like this. Nothing real.

1:18:37 Adam Religion figures into American politics.

1:18:39 Drew Of course it does. Where are you gun wackos when it comes to this sort of stuff? Oh, if they come in to confiscate one of your precious 30-round banana clips, you're raising hell. You're sitting here making an argument that you can have a 30-round banana clip on your sink but you can't have a pot plant on your sink. Why isn't it the same dude? You know what I mean? Where's Rush Limbaugh? Rush Limbaugh and all these other right-wing Republican jack-offs are yelling constantly about gun, gun, gun, a Constitution, anti-American Constitution, gun, gun, gun, gun, gun. But what about a pot plant? What's the difference? It's the state infringing upon your right, your freedom, your God-given American rights. That's what it is. Where are you pussies when it comes to this? You're off polishing your guns. That's where you are. How come? Why isn't that the same guy?

1:19:32 Adam Because you need a new party for that one. Gail?

1:19:35 Caller Yes.

1:19:36 Adam 23.

1:19:37 Drew All right, listen, now I'm sweaty.

1:19:39 Adam And I'm grossed out. What's up, Gail?

1:19:41 Caller That's okay. I have a friend that's 26 years old. And he jacks off a lot and he can get off by himself. But while he's having sex, he has to wait until she's done and go get off himself. And I'm really interested in him.

1:20:03 Adam How do you know this without being his girlfriend?

1:20:05 Caller I talk to him a lot.

1:20:08 Adam This is kind of like, what was it, the wheeze that has that old aphorism about the real thing?

1:20:13 Caller But I also heard of it.

1:20:14 Drew No, that's snake.

1:20:15 Adam Snake.

1:20:16 Drew Yeah, masturbation. Sex is good, but it's not the real thing.

1:20:20 Caller Right.

1:20:21 Drew Yeah.

1:20:21 Caller See, I can get off by myself.

1:20:24 Drew The wheeze's aphorism is juice him up and go. It's a little bit different.

1:20:28 Adam Nice.

1:20:29 Drew It's got to do with boons, farm, and women.

1:20:32 Adam All right.

1:20:32 Drew So, yeah, listen, who cares?

1:20:35 Adam Why don't you start dating him then?

1:20:41 Caller Because I don't know that he's actually interested in me.

1:20:46 Adam Why wouldn't he be? What would make you think that he wasn't?

1:20:51 Caller Well, I put myself down a lot.

1:20:55 Drew What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you?

1:20:57 Caller I'm fat. I've got a child.

1:21:00 Drew Yeah. What's up? What are you coming in at?

1:21:04 Caller I'm a single mother, to put it bluntly.

1:21:07 Drew How tall are you?

1:21:08 Caller I am 23.

1:21:10 Drew 23 inches tall? Now, how tall are you?

1:21:13 Caller I'm 5'6.

1:21:15 Drew All right. 5'6, how much you weigh?

1:21:17 Caller I weigh 260 pounds.

1:21:20 Drew 260, all right. Let me do the radio math here.

1:21:23 Caller 5'6, 260, carry the 5, bring on the 4.

1:21:27 Drew We're at 5'4, and a quarter, 283. So that's a lot of gal. What are you doing to lose the weight?

1:21:39 Caller Well, I do Tae Bo, but then I also just go out dancing a lot.

1:21:48 Drew You go out and dancing? Yeah.

1:21:49 Adam Do you see a dietician, anything like that?

1:21:52 Caller Actually, I have a really, really tight diet to where I eat.

1:21:59 Drew You should write a book.

1:22:01 Caller I eat once a day.

1:22:02 Drew 5'4, 280, you got to write a book.

1:22:05 Adam Gal, if you had followed a dietary plan, you would know that eating once a day is probably the worst way to lose weight.

1:22:11 Caller I know that.

1:22:12 Adam Okay.

1:22:12 Caller So. See, I've had two brain surgeries.

1:22:17 Adam For what?

1:22:18 Caller I have had brain cancer. And right now it's in remission. But I'm on a whole bunch of pills that takes away my appetite.

1:22:30 Adam Okay.

1:22:30 Caller So I can't eat. And I try to force myself to eat. But I can't.

1:22:37 Drew What do you eat once a day?

1:22:40 Caller No.

1:22:41 Drew I mean, you gotta eat something that once a day, right?

1:22:45 Caller I eat 260.

1:22:46 Drew And I did the radio math. I got you up at 283.

1:22:49 Adam Now, what do you eat at lunch or whenever?

1:22:52 Caller I eat. I eat red meat. I eat just whatever my daughter eats, what I feel like fixing.

1:23:03 Drew Strain peas. How old is your daughter?

1:23:05 Caller My daughter is 19 months old.

1:23:10 Drew So, she eats regurgitated yams and that's what you eat?

1:23:15 Caller No, she doesn't eat regurgitated yams.

1:23:18 Drew Hold on. Let me talk to Drew.

1:23:20 Caller Oh my God. That's great.

1:23:23 Drew Drew, I want to put this call in the cart so I can feel better about myself when I'm complaining. Oh my God. This is a tough life here.

1:23:30 Yeah.

1:23:31 Caller All right.

1:23:31 Drew Who is this?

1:23:32 Caller Gale?

1:23:32 Gale, yeah.

1:23:32 Drew I'm going to make Gale feel better.

1:23:34 Adam Please.

1:23:35 Drew I'm going to do it in about 30 seconds. One of my amazing inspirations.

1:23:38 Adam Transformation, too.

1:23:40 Drew I make you money through real estate.

1:23:43 Adam Oh, God.

1:23:43 Drew You see that, Portia? That's my toy. That scareboat? That's my toy. Those coke bitches on there? That's other people's toy, but they let me use them for commercial.

1:23:53 Caller I wish I had all that.

1:23:55 Drew All right. Listen, listen. Gail, listen to me, baby. All right. You've been through a lot, okay? Yeah. And you've had a tough life, but that's all right. You're 23. That's nothing. You got plenty of time and plenty of time, and all you got to do is change very slowly but consistently, and you can carve yourself out the kind of life that you want for you and for your child, most importantly, okay? All right, so you get with a dietician, you get on a plan. You don't just eat once a day and eat what your kid's eating. Your kid's eating cotton candy and candy corn. You got to get yourself on a little diet, you got to get yourself a little exercise, eat three times a day. Meet a dietician, and as far as the sex and the men and all that kind of stuff, that all come, but first, you got to get yourself, you got to take care of yourself.

1:24:51 Adam Go ahead and ask the guy out anyways just to see. He's a friend you talk to a lot and you can see. Guys.

1:24:56 Drew Black guy?

1:24:57 Caller No.

1:24:58 Drew That's not going to work.

1:25:00 It won't work.

1:25:01 Caller No, he's not black.

1:25:02 Adam But guys do tend to maintain friendships when it's a friendship they want.

1:25:06 Yeah.

1:25:07 Drew But listen, hold on one more time. Hey, Gail? Yeah. Don't look at yourself as damaged goods or used property or anything like that. You're Gail. You're fine. You take care of yourself. Okay?

1:25:21 Caller I wish I was fine.

1:25:22 Drew Well, you be fine and you be strong on behalf of that daughter of yours, okay?

1:25:27 Caller Okay.

1:25:28 Drew All right. Do you have the biological dad? Is he around?

1:25:32 Caller Oh God, every once in a while when he wants to be.

1:25:35 Drew Does he throw any money your way?

1:25:37 Caller $20 a month.

1:25:38 Adam $20? Oh my God.

1:25:41 Drew What's $20 a month?

1:25:46 Caller I am through recovery services. But he's got a full-time job and he's on disability.

1:25:54 Drew How do you? All right. I don't want to know. All right.

1:25:58 Caller Sorry. Okay.

1:25:59 Drew Listen. Remember my weed and seed program? Except for I'm just weeding, I'm not reseeding.

1:26:05 Adam You're going to weed this guy?

1:26:08 Drew I might do some serious weeding in this situation. Yeah.

1:26:12 Adam Here we go. What a break.

1:26:13 Drew He's on disability. He's working full-time. He gives me $20 a month. And you guys are pissed at the rich man. All right. We're going to take a little break. When we come back, we'll speak to Amber, the mystery call. That's one of my new radio tactics. Alright. I shot my wad in the first hour and 45 minutes of this show, so I'm going to coast. Drew, you with me?

1:27:21 Drew Oh, yeah.

1:27:21 Caller Right.

1:27:22 Drew Hey, Amber?

1:27:23 Yeah?

1:27:23 Drew You're 15?

1:27:24 Caller Yeah.

1:27:25 Drew Yeah, what's up?

1:27:26 Caller Okay. My dad thinks that I'm having sex, that I'm using drugs, that I'm not, and I'm afraid he's going to kick me out.

1:27:32 Adam Where does he get this feeling?

1:27:34 Caller Because, like, he knows some of my friends from when I was, like, five years old, and they got into doing that. And he automatically thinks that I am because, like, I'll go out for lunch with my friends or something.

1:27:46 Drew Yeah, and he's going to kick you out based on no incidents?

1:27:49 Caller Yeah.

1:27:50 Adam And no problems behaviorally with you?

1:27:53 Caller Nothing.

1:27:55 Drew Well, what are you going to do?

1:27:57 Adam Well, if he's...

1:27:57 Drew I don't believe her.

1:27:58 Adam I don't believe him.

1:28:00 Drew I don't believe him or her. Your dad's not going to toss you out based on nothing.

1:28:06 Adam Or you're doing something.

1:28:07 Caller I'm not doing nothing.

1:28:08 Drew Well, then he's not going to toss you out.

1:28:10 Caller He doesn't believe me though because he comes home and he's already drunk and everything else.

1:28:15 Drew Where's he coming home from?

1:28:17 Caller Work.

1:28:18 Drew Yeah. What kind of works he do?

1:28:21 Caller He's a truck driver.

1:28:21 Drew Oh, a good thing he's drunk when he comes home. And yeah. All right. He has nothing to go on. Never found any pot on you?

1:28:32 Caller Nothing.

1:28:34 Adam Grades are good at school.

1:28:36 Caller My grades aren't great, but.

1:28:38 Adam He's not concerned about anything in terms of who you're hanging with or?

1:28:43 Drew Well, listen, all you can do is give him nothing to go off of and that's about it.

1:28:49 Caller All he ever talks about though is how he's going to kick me out.

1:28:51 Drew Where's your mom?

1:28:52 Caller She died.

1:28:53 Oof.

1:28:55 Adam You have grandma, grandpa?

1:28:56 Drew He kicked her out during the winter and she froze. That's nice.

1:28:59 Adam She's outside a big ice cube.

1:29:00 Drew What happened?

1:29:02 Caller To my mom?

1:29:03 Caller Yeah.

1:29:03 Drew Yeah.

1:29:03 Caller She had a brain tumor.

1:29:05 Caller Oof.

1:29:05 Drew Oh boy. How long ago was that?

1:29:08 Caller About six years.

1:29:09 Drew Yeah boy. I'm sure this is just the way she would have wanted it to. Truck driving accusing dad trying to kick you out of the house. Hey, Amber.

1:29:18 Caller Yeah?

1:29:18 Drew What about you having a nice heart to heart with your dad on, let's say, Sunday morning?

1:29:24 Adam When he's not been drinking.

1:29:24 Drew The holiest of all days when he's hung over. And say to him, listen, dad, I'm your daughter. I love you. I wouldn't lie to you. I know some of these people are doing X, Y, and Z. I'm not doing it. And I hope you know that, and trust me.

1:29:38 Caller I've tried that before and he doesn't listen.

1:29:40 Drew Oh, really? No, listen, who cares?

1:29:42 Adam When he's sober.

1:29:45 Drew I don't believe her.

1:29:46 Adam That she's been perfect. You don't believe that.

1:29:49 Drew I believe this guy's an idiot.

1:29:51 Yep.

1:29:52 Drew I also believe that if her grades are good and she's not getting into trouble and he's not finding rolling papers in her jeans when he's doing the wash and all that kind of stuff and he never found anything and he just sits there and says, I'm going to throw you out of the house for doing drugs, that she's lying. That there's something she's leaving out.

1:30:11 Right.

1:30:12 Drew Or he's got a brain tumor, too. The guy's, I'm sure the guy's not a great guy, but I'm sure he's not Satan. And if you're not giving him anything to go off of, see we get a lot of that on this show. We get a lot of, my teacher has it in for me. What did you do? Nothing. Yeah. Have you ever do anything? Nothing. My boss has it in. My girlfriend, my girlfriend's parents. What have you said to them? Nothing. I never believe it. People rarely have it in, especially for their own daughter, when they do zero. So I don't know. If he's, if he's going to kick you out of the house, then why don't you, you better talk to a friend and find a place to stay.

1:30:52 Grandparents.

1:30:56 Drew He's not kicking around. Rebecca?

1:30:58 Yes.

1:30:59 Drew You're 24.

1:31:00 Caller Yes.

1:31:00 Caller What's up?

1:31:02 Guest Recently, whenever I have sex and have an orgasm afterwards, my, I guess my clit and everything down there gets really hard and stays hard for a long time. And it hurts. It's uncomfortable. And it doesn't happen when I masturbate. It's only when I have sex.

1:31:22 Drew Petrified Poontag. Have you heard of that term?

1:31:25 Guest No.

1:31:26 Drew Pee pee? Syndrome?

1:31:28 Guest What?

1:31:28 Drew Stays hard down there. Now, what, the whole area stays hard?

1:31:31 Guest No, just a small area.

1:31:33 Caller It's almost like a...

1:31:34 Adam Are you on medication?

1:31:35 Guest No.

1:31:36 Adam Antimedicine?

1:31:37 Guest No, birth control.

1:31:38 Adam Which one?

1:31:39 Guest Low orival.

1:31:40 Adam And have you noticed this just since being on the pill? Or is that...

1:31:43 Guest No, it's, I've been dating the same guy for about five years and I've been on that as long. And it's just been within the last six weeks or so.

1:31:53 Adam No medicine, nothing else. No, I know. Antihistamines, anything like that?

1:31:58 Drew She is on a new drug called orthostifoclidol.

1:32:02 Caller It's an anti-allergen.

1:32:03 Caller Yeah, I wish.

1:32:04 Caller Have you ever heard of that?

1:32:06 Adam Seriously, Rebecca, anything over the counter?

1:32:08 Guest Honestly.

1:32:09 Adam Nothing.

1:32:09 Guest That's what I'm concerned. There's no reason. It's kind of freaking me out a little bit because I'll wake up in the middle of the night and it's still hard.

1:32:20 Adam Well, it's blood in there that does that, an irritation.

1:32:24 Guest Yeah.

1:32:25 Adam Why is that staying that way? Many get something like that too, but usually it's from medication.

1:32:28 Caller Do I need to ice it?

1:32:29 Adam Well, icing might help decrease the blood.

1:32:34 Drew Oh, rigor mortis could be rigor mortis setting in, maybe it's dead.

1:32:38 Guest No, I don't believe it's dead, but I just don't understand why it would only happen.

1:32:44 Drew Well, listen, that's you. That's how. Is there certain things you do that are you?

1:32:48 Adam I don't know. Obviously, have somebody take a look at the anatomy, make sure that is okay.

1:32:52 Drew Hey, Drew.

1:32:53 Adam Pelvic exam, yeah.

1:32:53 Caller Yeah.

1:32:54 Drew You know some more humor that's missing from TV?

1:32:58 Adam Rigor mortis.

1:32:59 Caller Yeah.

1:33:00 Adam Yeah.

1:33:00 Drew A lot of rigor mortis humor.

1:33:01 Caller Yes.

1:33:03 Drew Just rigor mortis. Just a word rigor mortis is missing from the television lexicon.

1:33:08 Adam They got worked in to most TV sitcoms.

1:33:10 Drew Rigor mortis. A lot of rigor mortis. Rigor mortis setting in. Stuff would happen. You know, like, you know, some guy would grab a piece of spaghetti that had dried up and say that rigor mortis had set in. Yeah. I think something got hard or something with rigor mortis. And even the word rigor mortis just got thrown around. Sure. Don't hear about rigor mortis on TV anymore.

1:33:33 Caller Where was that most?

1:33:33 Adam Was that sort of the Gilgamesh Island?

1:33:35 Drew It was that era, but did somebody, the word rigor mortis must have been around for a while.

1:33:41 Caller Yeah.

1:33:41 Caller How long has it been around?

1:33:43 Adam Latin.

1:33:44 Drew It's Latin. So it's been at least 70 years, is what you're saying, right? And the point is, it only caught on from like 68 to 74. And that was it. Let me talk to this guy real fast. Brian?

1:33:59 Yeah, what's up?

1:33:59 Drew You're 21?

1:34:00 Caller Yes.

1:34:01 Drew You're gay and you're constantly cheating your boyfriend with strangers?

1:34:06 It's not strangers. It's like people that go to the club and like hang out with them.

1:34:11 Adam You're putting both of you in harm's way, right?

1:34:14 Caller Right.

1:34:15 Adam You're screwing with the relationship. And if you can't stop doing that, that's the time for therapy. It really is.

1:34:21 And he has no clue what is going on.

1:34:23 Adam Well, you're-

1:34:23 Drew Don't tell me. You're wearing a condom?

1:34:26 No, I'm not.

1:34:26 Adam Oh my God.

1:34:27 Drew All right. Listen, this is how all you gays get to have.

1:34:30 Caller No, this is the deal. Actually, I just had a STD and I had to get him treated for it too.

1:34:36 Drew Well, there you go.

1:34:37 Adam And he was able to do it without him suspecting anything?

1:34:40 Caller The only way I could do that was it's called, I forgot what it's called. It's like gonorrhea, but it's not.

1:34:47 Adam Flammidium?

1:34:48 Caller No. It's like UND or something like that.

1:34:52 Adam You're not going to cockleer with us.

1:34:53 Drew Well, listen, we're on time. Here's my point. Stop it. Or put a condom on.

1:34:59 Adam Or both.

1:35:00 Drew Stop it and put a condom on. I agree with Drew.

1:35:06 Um, back in a minute.

1:35:41 Drew I'm really into that Adam sleepy time message.

1:35:46 Adam AR setting.

1:35:48 Drew Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, pot plant your own house. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, parking enforcement.

1:35:53 Adam The man.

1:35:54 Drew The man. All right, we'll take ourselves a little break, and about 22 hours.

1:35:58 Adam For me, and you'll be back on Sunday.

1:36:00 Drew Yeah, I'm going.

1:36:01 Adam Coolio tomorrow night.

1:36:02 Drew Coolio, everybody, tomorrow night. So until next time, this is Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo.

1:36:08 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Ann Wilkins Engel. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

Episode Feedback

Monday, August 21, 2000