Episode 1000754887304

1:01 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised. Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew Loveline, Coast to Coast.

1:13 Yep.

1:14 Adam Leah, my mic on?

1:15 Hey, there we go.

1:16 There we go.

1:17 Voiceover Always on the game, Anderson. Hey, it's the Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Drew over there, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191, fax number 310-854-4455. Do we have any paper in that thing yet? No? Alrighty. Fantabulous par for the course here. Dr. Drew is a board certified physician and addiction medicine specialist. Harland Williams is our guest tonight, at least in theory he is. I got the feeling he's going to be rolling in here any second now. Harland Williams, he's a guy, you probably know the name and you definitely know the face but you'd have to kind of put them together. Half-baked. He did that Disney movie, Rocket Man, Rocket Ship, Rocket Head, Monkey in Space.

2:05 Drew You know what I'm talking about?

2:07 Adam You must have caught that one because of your kids.

2:09 Drew Yes, went with the kids.

2:10 Adam He was the astronaut. He was the lead in that.

2:12 Drew He was Canadian.

2:13 Adam Yeah.

2:14 Drew Okay. I did some show with him, Charles something.

2:17 Adam In Charge?

2:17 Drew Remember Charles.

2:18 Adam Corolla?

2:19 Drew Had that show. What the hell was it?

2:21 Adam All right.

2:21 Drew That's a great reference, isn't it?

2:22 Adam Yeah. Yeah. Rocket Man.

2:25 Drew Yeah.

2:25 He was also a serial killing hitchhiker and something about Mary.

2:28 Adam Oh, yeah. Something about Mary. That's right. That's right. Thank you, Anderson. You know we don't rehearse before the show starts because how when Drew goes, Oh, that guy, a Canadian guy. Yeah. We did a, he was in a, we did a Charles. Yeah, Charles.

2:46 Drew Remember the guy at the talk show, they do satellite feeds from all over the place?

2:49 Adam No.

2:49 Drew You did it too.

2:50 Adam Oh, yeah. But no. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

2:54 Drew Charles.

2:56 Adam Charles with the hair piece guy. Yes.

3:01 Drew That just shows you how long you've been.

3:03 Adam Charles Boyer.

3:04 Drew On media. You're there and you're gone.

3:06 Adam No, I know. I know. No, I'm going to get to, I'm going to get to his name in just one second. All right. I think I got a cold coming on. So I can feel my head inside my head. It's like I have a smaller head inside my outer head.

3:17 Drew You're a parousia.

3:18 Adam You know that feeling? I got that tonight. Woke up from my nap. Never was right.

3:22 Drew Nice.

3:23 Adam Thank you. Didn't stop me from eating. Nate Charles, Charles Groton.

3:29 Drew Groton.

3:29 Groton. Yeah.

3:30 Adam Nate, you're 21. What's up?

3:32 Caller Yeah.

3:33 Hey, I'm a long time listener and first time caller.

3:36 Adam Great.

3:37 And I just want to say, it's like, it's like you're like one exactly like all my buddies. And it's like one of us made good. So.

3:44 Adam Oh, well, thank you. I feel like I'm representing for the common idiot.

3:48 Thanks. You really are.

3:49 Adam Thank you.

3:50 All right.

3:52 By the way, I'm calling from the porn store, which I work. So if your noise is like that, why?

3:58 Adam Do they let guys whose voice is changing work behind the counter at the porn store? Could I offer you a dildo or a butt plug? Don't you have to sound older than 14 or work at a porn store?

4:15 No? That's not funny.

4:17 Adam I'm sorry.

4:17 Drew Nate, what's the question?

4:19 I have trouble reaching climax when I'm having sex with girls.

4:26 Adam Have you had a lot of sex with a lot of gals?

4:28 Drew Does that actually ever happen?

4:31 Adam Sometimes during his coffee break when he's testing out some of the new merchandise, he has difficulty.

4:35 No, actually I can get off on those.

4:37 Drew That's the point. Yeah, since he spends a lot of time with his miscellaneous merchandise.

4:45 I don't. I just always hang out with my buddy that works here.

4:49 Adam He's married to his work, Drew. Hey, have you had a long-term girlfriend?

4:54 Actually no, I haven't.

4:55 Adam No, there's the answer. Especially for guys and for girls, but especially for guys. You're 21, you're a couple years behind. You need that long-term girlfriend to kind of bang out the sexual dense.

5:09 Drew I beg your pardon. How dare you?

5:10 Adam You know what I'm saying? Drew, we've talked about this a few times. As a guy, it's important to have a little repetition. I mean, it's like this.

5:21 Drew Rhythm.

5:22 Adam Well, what I mean is... A groove.

5:23 Okay.

5:26 Adam If you're pinch-hitting the whole season, and you only get 25 at-bats, you have to come off cold. Five games go by. You don't get any playing time. Then they call you off the bench. You're not warm. You never find a rhythm. You have to get in the lineup. You've got to find a team you can play for and get 500 at-bats for one season, and then you can start coming off the bench.

5:48 Drew Yeah. Yeah.

5:49 Adam You can't come off the bench unless you've gotten a season or two under your belt.

5:52 Drew I'm with you.

5:53 Adam And for guys, sexually, you've got to work it out. And that's what Nate needs. I can hear by his voice. But Nate?

6:00 Caller Yeah.

6:00 Adam What's the name of the porn store you work for?

6:02 Video X.

6:03 Adam Nice. And you sell vibrators?

6:06 Caller Yes, I do.

6:06 Adam Butt plugs? You're standing behind the display counter now? Yes. Do you put the batteries in the vibrator and test them out?

6:14 Actually, I heard about that, but I've never done that here. I heard you talking about that.

6:19 Adam You just sell them straight away?

6:20 Yeah, I sell them straight away.

6:21 Drew I wish I could go to that store, then they can absolutely humiliate you.

6:25 Adam Spare themselves that very, very painful ordeal of having them actually test the butt plug out for you.

6:32 Drew Let's face it, how much more humiliation you actually experience than A, walking in a store like that, B, bringing the butt plug and the destroyer up to the counter? Really? Is it more you can experience in terms of the humiliation at that point?

6:45 Adam You know the most uncomfortable part, what we're talking about is when you buy a vibrator, and I've bought a handful in my day from porn stores, when you buy a vibrator, they put the batteries in and they fire it up right there.

6:57 Drew But you get my point, in an abstraction that sounds horrible, but really you're hauling some crazy stuff at your counter in a store you're already humiliated.

7:05 Adam It's not like your gym coach from the ninth grade, the pope, and your mom are sitting there. You're in a porn store with people who either frequent porn stores or guys who work at porn stores. They're not real judgmental. The guy's got a vest with semen on it.

7:20 Drew I think you need to put me in. I've really never been into one of these places.

7:23 Adam You gotta go.

7:24 Drew I need like a pad and paper.

7:25 Adam You just buy the vibrator because they have to fire it up to make sure it works because obviously there's no returns. And there's that weird uncomfortable beat where the guy's putting the batteries in, he's turning the thing, he gets the thing going and he holds it in front of you and you look at it and you give him a kind of in a business like tone. That'll do, you know, or thumbs up or that seems fine.

7:49 Drew That'll do, yeah, thank you.

7:51 Adam Steve, yeah, that'll go nicely in my ass, thank you. No, I'll wear it out, I don't need that in a bag, no, thank you.

7:59 Drew Steve.

8:00 It's an honor to talk to you, man, Ace.

8:01 Adam Thank you, Steve, you're 16, what's up?

8:04 Caller Not much, I just had a couple of questions real quick. First off, when you're in charge, is it going to be in the whole world or just the US.?

8:12 Adam Oh, I'm going to start with the United States, and then once I'm in charge, I'll be in charge of the military and we'll just take over the world.

8:18 Caller But bidets are going to become like everybody's going to have one, right?

8:21 Adam Well, they may not have a separate bidet, but they'll certainly have the toilet seat that shoots water at your ass that I have.

8:28 Caller Okay, because there's some countries that don't use toilet paper and that bothers me.

8:31 Adam Well, that's what these are here for.

8:33 Caller Okay.

8:33 Adam We'll save half the old growth force with these babies. We'll no longer need to wipe.

8:38 Caller I'd just like to thank you guys. I've been preaching your gospel at my school. And we got in drdrew.com book covers.

8:43 Drew Oh, great. Thanks, Dave.

8:45 Caller Oh, wow.

8:46 Adam Hang on to those. They're going to be worth something pretty soon.

8:49 Caller Yeah. But anyway, my question was, is I'm 16 and I'm starting to get like a little bald spot on the back of my head and my hairline's going to hell. And I just wanted to know if I would be able to get any type of drug like Rogaine or something that would work.

9:05 Drew Oh, yeah. I mean, you're really sort of an ideal situation for that.

9:09 Adam Yeah. Going bald in the 10th grade. That's great.

9:11 Drew Premature balding.

9:12 Adam You might even be happier about that, buddy.

9:14 Drew Talk to your doctor about something called Propecia, which might even be a little more effective. But yeah, I would talk to dermatologists. There are things out there that can delay, if not prevent this from going further.

9:25 Adam How's your dad's hairline?

9:27 Caller His hairline's great. I'm very jealous of him.

9:29 Drew What about your mom's dad?

9:31 Caller My mom's dad, she was adopted, so we have no idea.

9:33 Drew Mom's dad, the cue ball.

9:35 Adam Mr. Clean.

9:36 Caller So, Propecia is the one that makes you impotent, though.

9:39 Drew Well, theoretically, it could have a potential side effect, but it really shouldn't.

9:45 Caller I think I might whack as much as Adam.

9:47 Drew Well, maybe you could use a little wind out of the sail in the form of a pill.

9:52 Adam Just put that a little in your hair, put some of that in your hair like a nice pomade.

9:56 Drew But Rogaine's a great idea, Steve, and definitely I would talk dermatology. And there are other causes of hair loss, too, it ought to be ruled out.

10:01 Adam You don't have to wait to go bald anymore, right? There's all kinds of stuff that doesn't necessarily grow hair, but it's going to stop stuff, right?

10:07 Drew You know, it's so bizarre. And you know, in the days when people were trying to come up with these things, everyone thought, oh, if you could come up with this, it would be incredible. People would just be pounding the doors down to get this medicine. But now they have things that people aren't that interested in.

10:21 Adam Yeah, but they're not known as totally effective.

10:24 Drew Yeah, I think-

10:26 Adam People are skeptical.

10:27 Drew Well, people want something like a Chia Pet. They want something to just sprout out fast.

10:32 Adam Yeah, they want something like Elmer Fudd and the barber of Seville. That's what they want. They want to just come sprouting out ahead. But now, if you catch it early, like in the 10th grade-

10:44 Drew It would be very helpful.

10:44 Adam It can stop it from coming out.

10:46 Drew Yes.

10:47 Adam Melissa?

10:48 Yeah.

10:48 Adam You're 16. What's up?

10:50 Caller Okay. My friend gave me a month's supply of birth control the other day. She's on the pill to regulate her period. And she switched pills because she was having problems. So, I have a boyfriend and we're planning to become sexually active.

11:03 So, she gave me this month's supply that she wasn't going to use.

11:06 Caller And it's Tri-Fasal 28. And I just want to know as much about it as possible. Like, how long I'll be taking it before it.

11:14 Drew You don't take it. You go to your doctor. You get a pelvic exam.

11:17 Caller Okay.

11:18 Drew And you get a pill prescribed for you.

11:20 Caller Okay.

11:20 Drew And in general, the first pill, it's a rule of thumb that its pill isn't really effective until you start the second packet anyway.

11:27 Caller That's what I thought.

11:28 Drew So, one packet. Although, the triphasic pills may be affected the first time around.

11:32 Caller Yeah.

11:32 Drew But you shouldn't count on it. So, you need to go to your doctor, get a pap smear, and get on the right pill. And triphasic is a reasonable version for you. What you want to do is find something that doesn't cause any mid-cycle bleeding, any bloating, any weight gain, mood disturbances, headaches, sleep problems, nausea. These are things that pills can do, but there's so many different kinds out there now. You should be able to find something that doesn't cause any of that.

11:54 Caller Okay.

11:54 Drew All right?

11:55 Caller Thank you.

11:55 Adam All right, baby. It was funny when you were talking about weight gain, nausea, bloating, irritability, all that kind of stuff, cramping, menstrual cramping. I was listening to the radio. They play them a lot on AM, and they're playing for some drug company about something to do about-

12:10 Drew Make us greasy, greasy, order us down the area.

12:12 Adam Right.

12:13 Drew It's an account.

12:14 Adam Right. Now, the thing that's funny is, is they tell you how good it works for about the first 30 seconds, and then the last minute and a half is telling you about all the possible side effects, which I would think is funny, because they just keep going and going and going, and I mean, it is eruptive bowel syndrome.

12:34 Drew Explosive diarrhea. Explosive diarrhea, greasy stool.

12:37 Adam I mean, it's all this bizarre type of, you know, hubcap-sized mucus, and then they give you a whole long list. If you have diabetes, if you're a pregnant mother, if you're white male between the ages of 14 and 169, if you walk erect, if you have a spinal cord, if you have opposable thugs, you know, they just keep going and going and going. But now, the thing that's really funny about the whole thing is they play this music in the background now. They have sort of the guy-

13:02 Drew The Hill music?

13:03 Adam No, it's more the Charlie Brown piano.

13:05 Caller It's like, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

13:08 Adam And the guy's playing a Steinway while they're talking about explosive bowel syndrome. And it gets very surreal at a certain point.

13:16 Drew But think about package inserts and medication and drugs, right?

13:18 Adam Yes.

13:19 Drew But they're what? They're, you know, 400 pages of microfilm, right?

13:23 Adam They're the Encyclopedia Britannica printed onto a napkin.

13:27 Drew Believe it or not, in there is what it's used for, how it's issued, and mechanism of action. Right. But 99% of it is a bunch of stuff to cover the legal issues.

13:38 Adam Yeah, but it seems bizarre. I mean, couldn't they just cover themselves by saying, consult your doctor for side effects?

13:44 Drew No.

13:44 Adam They have to list the thousands of side effects. I'm literally sitting there eating, hearing about Explosive Stool Syndrome. Michelle?

13:56 Drew Michelle?

13:57 Adam Michelle, you're 17.

13:58 Caller Oh, yeah.

13:59 Yeah.

14:01 Adam If you're male, if you're female, if you're white, black, Hispanic, or Asian, if you're living on the planet, go ahead, Michelle.

14:09 Caller I have, I'm going out with this guy and I have slept with his brother in the past and his cousin. And he knows about his brother but not his cousin. And we just started going out last month.

14:25 Drew I figure if he can tolerate the brother, the cousin is pretty easy to swallow, so to speak.

14:29 Caller Yeah.

14:30 Caller But now, see, we're, okay, everything's getting all weird because he just found out about his brother last month when we were going out like a week. And we went through like this big fight thing.

14:44 Adam Yeah.

14:46 Caller And I don't know, now I'm feeling weird around him because...

14:50 Adam Yeah. Hey, how small is this town that you're living in that you have to hump the entire family? Are these the McCoys or the Hatfields?

14:58 Caller I just know his family.

15:00 Drew Yeah, indeed you do.

15:01 Adam No kidding. Well, I'll say you know. All right. Hey, Michelle. Do you have to tell him about the cousin?

15:11 Caller I think if I don't, his cousin will.

15:13 Adam Do you really think his cousin is going to tell him?

15:15 Drew What's in it for the cousin?

15:16 Caller Right. His cousin lost his virginity to me. He's going to end up telling.

15:21 Drew He what for you?

15:22 Adam He lost his virginity.

15:24 Caller Yeah.

15:24 Drew So what?

15:25 Adam How often does he talk to the cousin?

15:28 Once a month.

15:30 Adam Once a month? During visiting hours? And can you talk to the cousin?

15:35 Caller No.

15:36 Adam You cannot?

15:37 Caller No. He lives in Tennessee.

15:41 Drew What is the question for us?

15:41 Adam What do you want us to do?

15:42 Drew Yeah.

15:43 Caller Okay. I want to note since now that I feel really weird around him. Should I break up with him or not?

15:48 Adam Well, the whole thing is doomed. You understand. I mean, you slept with the guy's brother. You slept with the guy's cousin. There's a ton of chaos.

15:55 Drew You're acting out for reasons that are not clear.

15:57 Adam What's up with you? Why all the chaos?

16:01 Caller I don't know. One of them, I was drunk. I don't know why I slept with his brother.

16:05 Drew Okay. Drunk.

16:07 Adam All right. Well, as long as you have good reasons, which is one, I was drunk. The other one, I don't know why.

16:11 Drew Yeah.

16:12 Adam Hey, Michelle. Here's the deal as far as I can tell. I'm going to be realistic with you here. This guy is not Prince Charming. You're probably not going to end up marrying him. I understand you're in love with him for now, and you want to make a go of the relationship. Fine. Don't tell him about the cousin. If he finds out or when he finds out, then you should address it. Until then, don't say anything.

16:37 Drew I think it's not a bad idea if you end this whole thing.

16:40 Adam Why?

16:40 Drew Be alone for a while.

16:42 Adam Okay.

16:42 Drew Take an inventory on your needs.

16:45 Adam On what?

16:45 Drew Well, maybe look for some close friends.

16:48 Adam Michelle?

16:48 Drew You sound real desperate and sad, Michelle. You're not going down the right road right now.

16:52 Adam You okay, baby?

16:54 Huh?

16:54 Adam Are you okay?

16:55 Yeah.

16:56 Adam You are? Can you not get pregnant for a while?

16:59 Caller Not get pregnant?

17:00 Caller Yeah.

17:02 Caller I'm on birth control.

17:03 Adam Good. Good girl. Why don't you just go off to college somewhere? How about that?

17:08 College? That's cool.

17:11 Adam Okay.

17:12 Drew I was supposed to go in California. Take a trip to Mars.

17:15 Adam It's that place with the bell tower and all the young people walk around with books? You know that. You know what I'm talking about, right?

17:20 Drew You described once as a brothel with a bell tower and a football team.

17:23 Adam Yeah. That's what college is. It's a big, one of those big sex ranches with a bell tower and a football team. That sounds like fun, doesn't it? All right, baby.

17:31 Caller I called the orgy party.

17:33 Adam What's that?

17:33 Orgy party.

17:36 Caller College, orgy party.

17:37 Adam Yeah, orgy party. Right. Yeah, it's good times, baby. You stay on that birth control, and if you like the guy, stay with him. Don't tell him about the cousin. And if he finds out you cross that bridge when you get to it, OK? All right, easy now. Wow. Jessica, you're 18. What's up?

17:56 Caller Well, I have a boyfriend and he's also 18. And last weekend, I had a feeling that he was over at Katie's house.

18:07 Drew Oh, Katie. Adam.

18:08 Adam Over at Katie's.

18:09 Drew Oh, my God.

18:11 Adam You know, Drew and I were talking about Katie before the show.

18:14 Drew Oh, really?

18:15 Adam We didn't want to mention her on the air by name, but we had a long discussion about this Katie.

18:19 Drew Oh, she brought it up.

18:20 Adam OK, but I told Drew I didn't like the looks of this Katie. Drew tried to defend her, but now you find out where she was.

18:28 Drew You were right.

18:28 Adam Not so funny anymore, short guy.

18:29 Drew You were right.

18:30 Adam Yeah, that's right. Katie's officially on my S list now, Jessica. You'll be glad to know.

18:36 Caller Thank you.

18:37 Adam Yeah. So anyway.

18:39 Drew So anyway, he's grown Katie.

18:41 Caller Over at that girl's house and he promised me that he would never go over there again. And he was over there and then he, I caught him there.

18:49 Drew Well, get rid of the guy.

18:50 Adam How did you catch him there?

18:52 I called her.

18:53 Drew Aren't you worth a little more than this?

18:55 Caller Yeah, but I don't feel like that. Because I'm pregnant and he got me pregnant and I love him so much. And I don't know what to do with them.

19:06 Adam Meanwhile, you know, I've had a thousand girls dump me when I wasn't even doing anything. It's like, hey, it's over. Why? What? What I do? Nothing. It's over. It's like I'm pregnant and screwing around with Katie. I can't help it. I love him.

19:19 Caller Well, I don't know if he's screwed up.

19:22 Adam Hey, Jessica, could you turn your radio down, please? Mama.

19:26 Caller Oh, sorry.

19:27 Adam Yeah. I don't know. Hey, Drew, this doesn't seem like we've had a lot more turn your radio down calls in the last, let's say, two days than we've had in the prior two years.

19:36 Drew Yes.

19:38 Adam What do you attribute that to?

19:39 Drew I don't know.

19:40 Adam Hmm. General numbing of the nation. Jessica?

19:45 Yes.

19:45 Adam All right. So how pregnant are you?

19:47 Five months.

19:48 Adam Oh, so you're pretty pregnant.

19:50 Yeah.

19:50 Adam And?

19:51 Caller He just barely started being a weirdo this past couple of months.

19:54 Adam Yeah. Something tells me he's not going to be the world's greatest dad. Why don't you give your kid up for adoption, please?

20:01 Caller I don't want to give my kid up for adoption.

20:03 Drew Why not? Why not make a decision that's good for the child?

20:07 Caller Well, I'm going to college to be able to support it, and my family's very supportive.

20:10 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

20:12 Adam Listen, if your family's very supportive and they're going to step in and make the ends meet, fine.

20:19 Drew How does going to college support a child?

20:21 Adam Well, she gets a career.

20:23 Caller I'm going to get a job and graduate and everything, but my family's going to support me.

20:26 Drew Yeah, a child's going to be eight.

20:27 Adam You come home on the kid's 16th birthday. I got my AA. I got the newspaper on one hand, my AA on the other, and I'm ready to go to work. All right, baby, listen, I don't want to squash your dreams. If your family is supportive and they're going to take care of the child while you go off to college, that's fine.

20:45 Drew Did your mom get pregnant when she was 18?

20:47 Caller She got pregnant when she was 25.

20:49 Adam There you go.

20:49 Drew You have any sisters?

20:50 Adam That's where their fifth kid. Hey, Jessica, listen, what makes you think this guy's cheating with Katie?

20:59 Caller Well, because he lied to me about it, and then he screamed at me when I confronted him about it, and then he told me that it was over, and then he told my friend that he loves me very much and he doesn't want it to be over, but I caught him there, and then he denied it, and then made up an excuse for it, and then I got in trouble for catching him, basically.

21:20 Adam All right.

21:21 Drew You got in trouble?

21:22 Adam All right. Well, because he turned on her. Hey, Jessica, focus on your health, focus on the child, focus on your family, focus on your education, and if this guy comes around, great. If he doesn't, he owes you money on a monthly basis until this goddamn kid is 18. Do you hear me? Yes, I do. Impress that upon him.

21:44 Drew And hopefully you learn from this guy that these kinds of guys are not what you really want. Really not.

21:51 Adam No. Oh, I couldn't imagine. I couldn't imagine. First off, I couldn't imagine to have anything in me. I eat an ant, I freak out. You know, I feel like I got an ant in me. Yeah. Now I'm going to have a colony in me. I couldn't imagine having a kid in me. She's like, go nuts.

22:07 Drew How about me and my moths?

22:09 Adam Yeah. Drew ate a whole family of moths the other night over here because he was made the mistake of buying something from the Westwood 2 vending machine. Actually, it's right in between the sun chips and the Funyuns. It says sack of moths. I think it's B4. I think it's sack of moths. Or did you get the moth eggs?

22:29 Drew No, I got the moths.

22:30 Adam Oh, you got the moths, Drew, who ate a lovely sack of moths. And when I pointed that out to him, he wretched. It was great. He had a real spontaneous kind of wretching going on. Hey, watching people throw up when they're not really sick is funny.

22:44 Drew Yeah.

22:44 Adam You know, from drinking too much beer or chugging water or eating moth eggs, it's real funny.

22:50 Drew It's a circumstance, a situation comedy. Yeah.

22:52 Adam We're going to take ourselves a little break. Liz, who is 17, has been a bulimic for two years and she wants to tell her parents. Maybe we'll tell her for him or for her, I should say. Yes, I'm hip to that, Anderson. Harland Williams is our guest tonight and he is here. So we'll bring him in, and we'll talk to Liz, and we'll do all that after this.

23:20 Love Line will be right back.

23:21 Yay, Love Line.

23:22 Adam I'm Adam Carolla. That is Dr. Drew over there. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Harland Williams is our guest tonight. Looks like he just came in from some ice fishing.

23:34 Harland Williams I did, man. I was over at Ralph's, the seafood section. But I caught some turpentine.

23:42 Adam I went to that god damn Ralph's and decided I'm going to save some money and go buy a nice big piece of fresh fish fillet and some vegetable. Fifty-three bucks later, I'm at home cooking it. Yeah, it doesn't pay.

23:56 Drew Fourteen bucks, get out of yourself.

23:57 Adam Go to the Red Lobster, everybody. Get that bottomless shrimp bucket and save yourself a few bucks.

24:02 Harland Williams Get the crabs.

24:03 Adam Yeah, so have we met? We haven't met before.

24:06 Harland Williams We haven't met. Well, we met just now, but I feel like I've known you since I was four.

24:12 Adam I've decided I like you.

24:13 Drew I think you guys were separated at birth.

24:14 Adam A long time ago, Harland.

24:16 Harland Williams You did? Yes. It's mutual.

24:18 Adam Really?

24:19 Harland Williams Yeah. We're like if we were a totem pole, we'd be like sitting on top of each other.

24:23 Adam We'd be next to each other. We'd be the only totem pole where we were joined at the hip, man.

24:29 Harland Williams I'd be Squaw Woman and you'd be Corn Lady. You know? Is that accurate?

24:34 Adam Well, we call it Mays, but Harland is here to plug Gary and Mike, which is on Friday nights, eight o'clock at UPN Anim. Now it said stop. It said stop action. Is that claymation?

24:47 Harland Williams It looks like claymation, but the character is actually made out of foam. So it's like foamation is the real, real word.

24:54 Adam But it no like what's the PJs? Is that claymation?

24:58 Harland Williams PJs is foamation as well. And so is Celebrity Deathmatch.

25:03 Drew Foammation.

25:04 Harland Williams Yeah. It's just these characters are made out of foam. They're easier to bend. Right. When you make them with clay, things fall off. They get thumb prints on them. But with foam, it's it's a lot cleaner.

25:14 Drew And what was Gumby?

25:16 Harland Williams Gumby was claymation weird. He was like a giant snot.

25:21 Drew He was a guy of clay.

25:22 Adam That was that was clay mixed with heroin. That's basically what that was. I mean, how high were those Gumby guys?

25:29 Harland Williams The blockheads.

25:30 Adam Go back and look at that. One big drug reference. But you know, all the it's like between watching growing up on Gumby and like Lidsville and HR. Puff and stuff, I'm like I needed a hit of acid when I was 11. I didn't even know what it was. All right. So this is this is a foamation.

25:49 Yeah.

25:49 Adam And now you're doing the voice.

25:51 Harland Williams I do the voice of Mike.

25:53 Adam And are you doing any writing on it or any?

25:55 Harland Williams No, the creators are the guys who created Mad TV. And it's it's, you know, in that same vein, it's a very edgy edgy show. It's probably the edgiest. One of the edgiest shows you're going to see on TV. And, you know, sometimes you do TV projects and they're like, eh, whatever. But this one, I really got to say, is really funny and really good.

26:18 Drew That's where Adam might have a foam walk on a foam on.

26:22 Adam Yeah, my hair is made of foam, so it's easy to replicate. All right. And who's doing the work?

26:30 Harland Williams The actual man done by Will Vinton Studios.

26:33 Adam Oh, yes.

26:34 Harland Williams You know, the California Raisins and the PJs.

26:37 Adam I have I have been to the Will Vinton Studios. Oh, if anyone wants to know the story of my life, and I'll be very quick about this. Drew, you remember about four years ago, there was a little project called the Cabinsons.

26:49 Drew But Claymation's out. You high? Claymation?

26:53 Adam Four years ago, four and a half years ago, me and my partner, Jimmy Kimmel, were pitching a show called the Cabinsons. I was pitching it to Will Vinton. I was saying to anyone who would listen, there's no Claymation show out on television. It has been 20 years, 30 years since Gumbi and Pokey. We should do a Claymation show because there's nothing on the air right now and we should be the first to do it. Everyone told us we were insane. That was four years ago. There's now ten Claymation shows in the act. If I did the Cabinsons tomorrow, Claymation, it would be one more Cabinsons rips off genre. We did meet with Will Vinton. He's a bit of a genius, that guy.

27:34 Harland Williams Yeah, he's good.

27:35 Adam All right, Liz, you're seventeen.

27:38 Caller Yeah. How are you guys? You guys are the greatest. I just have to tell you that.

27:42 Thank you.

27:45 Caller Basically, I've been battling with this eating problem for about two years and recently, just over the last, I don't know, a few months, become the only thing I think about and it's taken over so much.

28:01 Harland Williams All right.

28:02 Drew So this needs to be treated, right?

28:03 Caller Yes. And I want to get it treated, but I can't go through my parents at all.

28:07 Harland Williams Why?

28:08 Caller Well, like, they found out about it once, I don't know, like a year ago or so, and they acted all worried or something, but then the next day, they kind of dismissed it. And my mom is like the one that kind of led me to it.

28:23 Harland Williams How? Well, are your parents bakers? Are your parents bakers?

28:28 Caller No. Okay.

28:30 Drew Moms always have a role to play here, but how did she actually lead you to it?

28:34 Caller I mean, she's always commenting on, like, well, first of all, she's like 5 foot and like 100 pounds, and she's always like, Liz, are you sure you want to be eating that? And stuff like that. And I'm like...

28:44 Drew Yeah, but it actually really isn't the references to the diet so much as how she intrudes in every other way in your life, I'm sure. And it doesn't really give you what you need emotionally. But be that as it may, they have very high levels of denial about this, you brought it up to them, and they've just let it submerge again, even though it's a life-threatening condition, you have to bring them up and shake them down about this. You really do. This is a life-threatening condition you have, and you have a right to get treatment for it.

29:09 Harland Williams You keep saying bring it up. Now, have you been...

29:13 Drew No pun intended...

29:13 Harland Williams .pouraging it all?

29:15 Drew Oh, yeah. She's bulimic.

29:17 Harland Williams She is, yeah.

29:19 Adam Liz, we talked to a girl last week who vomited out her lung and heart.

29:26 Harland Williams Wow.

29:26 Adam Do you hear me?

29:27 Drew Harland's impressed.

29:29 Harland Williams That's like what you see when you look in a bowl of Lucky Charms.

29:32 Adam Yeah, that's right.

29:33 Harland Williams Same shape. Did she puke out a blue diamond?

29:37 Adam And a crescent moon. So, Liz...

29:38 Harland Williams And a clover?

29:41 Adam You need to talk to your parents or somebody.

29:45 Harland Williams Or me.

29:46 Caller No one else I could talk to this time.

29:47 Drew Well, you can go...

29:48 Adam Why don't you go to your school counselor and talk to them about it?

29:52 Drew But you need really comprehensive care. And eventually, your insurance company is going to get billed for that. Your parents are going to get an explanation of benefit, which is a little form that shows what the insurance company was paid. And they're going to find out that way. And it is important. It's a family illness many times. And it's important they get involved in the treatment. And you've already told us how steeped in denial they are. They don't want to hear about your problem.

30:13 Adam But isn't this kind of a catch-22 because it's these mothers and dads, but mostly moms who demand perfection out of kids who create this eating disorder. And then, of course, you can't go to the perfectionistic parent and tell them you're flawed by vomiting. Right.

30:28 Harland Williams How can someone else create an eating disorder? I mean, you either put the cake in your mouth or you don't, huh?

30:34 Adam Well, that's that kind of backwoods ice fishing, moose hunting mentality. I would expect a yahoo from north of the border like yourself to have. Let me tell you about real life in North America, my friend. These people, the only people who have eating disorders that we speak to. It's not that you can't have one without it. And yes, you're right. You are the one who puts the hand to the mouth. But just like having parents or family that was an alcoholic, you can have a predisposition to it. And if your parents stuff you into a ballet class at age two and crack the whip too much on women, it will create this.

31:15 Drew The brain has only certain numbers of repertoire, behaviors that can manifest to manage things. And when you haven't been given what you need to develop internal resources, this is one of the things that people turn to.

31:27 Adam Drew, if you were a chick, you would have had a eating disorder, right?

31:30 Drew Sure, sure, sure.

31:31 Adam Right.

31:31 Harland Williams What would I have had if I was a chick?

31:35 Adam Pre-minstrel bloating. Yeah. And I'd have big jugs and I'd be home now playing with them. Nice. Yeah, that's my lot in life. You know, it's funny, she was talking about her mom being five foot and a hundred pounds and I thought to myself as she was saying that, I was thinking, you know, I hate small dogs and I hate small people too. They're cut out of the same cloth. You know, those little five foot, hundred pound women?

32:00 Harland Williams Michael Jackson, yeah.

32:01 Adam Don't you just want to kick them like a little dog?

32:03 Harland Williams I want to love them first and then kick them. You know, pat them like a dog and then kick them.

32:09 Adam Yeah, that's what I want to do. James?

32:11 Harland Williams Yes.

32:12 Adam Oh, James, you're 27.

32:14 Caller 27.

32:15 Adam What's that?

32:16 Caller Got a question for Dr. Drew.

32:17 Drew Yeah.

32:18 Caller Okay, I was taking these Z-Packs for ear infection.

32:25 Drew How many Z-Packs?

32:27 Caller Just one. Right. Actually, I didn't even go through the whole thing. I only took six of the seven.

32:34 Drew Oh, wait a minute. There's only six in a pack.

32:37 Caller Okay, then I took five of the six.

32:38 Adam He didn't eat the box is what he said. What is Z-Pack?

32:42 Drew It's a zithromycin.

32:43 Harland Williams He's my little Indian friend. Z-Pack.

32:46 Drew Part of the totem pole. That's what they call the totem pole.

32:48 Harland Williams No, East Indian.

32:50 Caller I was getting like this tingling on the side of my head and they said it was an ear infection. So I took these Z-Packs. Z-Pack.

32:58 Harland Williams Z-Pack.

32:58 Drew Next thing you know.

33:00 Caller Next thing I know, I was having problems bleeding from the colon.

33:03 Harland Williams Oh, come on, guys. I just had a Carl's Jr. Yeah, you had a big joint is what you had. Oh, yeah, whoo.

33:16 Caller I didn't know you could get that kind of stuff north of the board.

33:18 Drew All right, well, here's the thing, James. Maybe they were wrong about what was going on with you in the first place and you've got something more serious, A. Or B, there's something called pseudomembranous colitis that you can get from essentially any antibiotic. Not so common with azithromycin, but I suppose it's possible, whereas you kill off the good bacteria and the evil bacteria overgrow and erode the colon and you can bleed and get bad diarrhea and stuff. But I'm concerned that you have something more serious than just an ear infection.

33:42 Adam There's an animated series, the good bacteria versus the evil bacteria in the big colon battlefield.

33:50 Drew Maybe you'll learn something.

33:50 Harland Williams How do you go from scratching your ear to having a bleeding ass? I mean, come on.

33:55 Drew I just explained it. You're not listening.

33:57 Harland Williams I know, but I'm in shock. I can't hear.

34:01 Adam By the way, you know it's time to fire your doctor when you go in holding your ear and then you're just shooting blood out of your ass.

34:07 Two days later.

34:09 Harland Williams Campbell.

34:10 Adam Harland Williams is our guest tonight. John is on hold. He's 15. He only has one test goal and is afraid his girlfriend will get weirded out. Quite possible. We'll take a little break. We'll be back to answer that and many other questions after this.

34:26 Loveline, Loveline, we'll be right back.

34:29 Adam Hey, it's Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. He's Dr. Drew over there, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Oh, I love this Westwood, too. I just drank a cup of water out of a bowl. Yeah, wow.

34:43 Drew I thought you came here with soup.

34:44 Adam No, no, that was water. No paper goddamn cups around. Whoever built this place should have their hands cut off. What a dump. What a dump this place is. It's real. It's like Norm Abrams ate a nice building and took a crap. And that's what Westwood 1 is over here. Whoever built, I don't know, who built, somebody did like a home job on this thing and they screwed it all up.

35:05 Drew Yeah, but it's in like the early 70s. All right, and the home job, that was cool.

35:09 Adam Let's keep going forward here, baby. Harland Williams is our guest tonight. Gary Mike is the name of his project. Friday night, it's eight o'clock at UPN. Is this on the air now?

35:17 Harland Williams Yeah, it premiered on last Friday and really great response from people. People really dug it and tuned in and it's a great, funny, edgy show, man. Two young guys are on a permanent road trip together. Every week they arrive in a new city and they just turn the city upside down.

35:44 Adam How much freedom do you have with your lines? Do you tweak them? Do you screw with them?

35:48 Harland Williams Not too much. The writers have to send all this stuff up and the animators animate to the writing. So they let us wing it now and then, but it's pretty controlled.

36:01 Adam Yeah, that's easy money, that voiceover. I'm going tomorrow to do a family guy voiceover and make a little easy money myself. John? Yeah? You're 15. Listen, everyone who hears me, all you 15-year-olds are stoned, get in the voiceover work. Easy money, and they always have a lot of food where they do the voiceover stuff.

36:22 Harland Williams It's not that easy. You got to talk and stuff.

36:26 Adam Yeah, you got to stand and talk. And then the hardest part about doing voiceover work is swallowing the food before you talk. Sometimes it's hard not to chew under the mic.

36:34 Drew And breathing.

36:34 Adam You got to breathe.

36:35 Harland Williams And big words like elasticity. Those are hard to say.

36:39 Adam Yeah, I haven't done that one. That's extra.

36:41 Harland Williams Or extracurricular activity, then tie up. You can get fired for screwing that one up.

36:49 Oh, sorry.

36:50 Adam 15. What's up?

36:54 Caller Birth, I had one of my testicles removed.

36:58 Drew Why? How come?

36:59 Caller I think they had cancer in it.

37:01 Drew At birth?

37:02 Caller Yeah.

37:03 Drew Wow.

37:03 Caller Yowt.

37:04 Drew Huh. Okay.

37:06 Caller And like...

37:08 Drew You sure it just wasn't a non-descended testy that they just removed?

37:11 Caller No, I know that it had cancer in it.

37:14 Drew All right.

37:15 Caller And so I'm having girlfriends now and I'm worried that they'll think it's really weird and...

37:22 Drew Well, they won't... I suspect they won't notice. A.

37:24 Harland Williams B.

37:25 Drew You can get a prosthesis put in. Sometimes they do that.

37:28 Harland Williams What's that look like? Like a golf ball or something?

37:30 Drew Just something that you don't really notice the difference, right?

37:33 Adam I'd go golf ball size.

37:34 Drew And then D. Less of something as aesthetically pleasing as the testicles.

37:40 Adam Yeah.

37:41 Drew How much better can that get?

37:43 Adam Yeah, although I do know his point. There's nothing uglier than the testicle, than the male testicle, but...

37:49 Drew Asymmetry.

37:50 Adam But asymmetry, and it could possibly make it uglier even. And I could see him being freaked out about that.

37:56 Drew At 15.

37:57 Adam How apparent is it that you're missing one when you look at yourself coming out of the shower?

38:03 Caller It's not very. I'm looking at myself.

38:05 Drew No, John. No one's gonna know. Really.

38:08 Adam Could you comb your penis to the left and sort of cover it up?

38:12 Caller I guess.

38:12 Drew Dress it to the left.

38:13 Adam Yes. I wear my penis to the long side of my nut sack. John? You'll be fine, buddy. But you can look into one of those. There's a little ball they put in there.

38:25 Harland Williams I don't know if girls want to take a peek and it says, there's a title list on his sack, you know?

38:32 Adam No. First off, they probably put it inside the skin so you probably couldn't read the make of the golf ball that they put in there. But I think what they would do is actually take the outer coating of the golf ball, unwind the string and get to that little hard ball that's in the center.

38:49 Harland Williams Corky, they call it. My friend Corky. I wrote a book about a guy with one ball called My Friend Corky. Really?

38:57 Adam Was it a children's book?

38:58 Harland Williams No, it's a... But you know, listen kid, what's his name? Johnny. Here's the deal buddy, so many people nowadays are having cosmetic procedures. If your girlfriend notices it, just say, babe, it's the latest thing, you know. You lose a ballie. It's the rage, you know. You're a trendsetter, buddy. Don't cut yourself short.

39:22 Drew You know, it's going to make up some good hockey accident too.

39:25 Adam Yeah. Right. Some guy, I'd say some guy called my last girlfriend fat. I lost it in a knife fight. But imagine being born with cancer, by the way, not a great sign. Yeah.

39:37 Harland Williams Yeah, that's not a good start.

39:38 Adam Yeah, it's got to be good. Let's see, he's six pounds, four ounces. He's a boy. Oh, by the way, he's got cancer. How long has he been on the planet? Can you really have cancer in your sack when you're born?

39:51 Drew You can have cancer, yeah.

39:52 Harland Williams It depends if your mother smoked a lot.

39:55 Adam Lauren, you're 16.

39:58 Caller I have two questions. All right. The first question is, I'm on Accutane, and I've been on it for actually a month today. And my problem is, I haven't gotten my period in like a month.

40:08 Harland Williams She's on a hockey team?

40:10 Drew Accutane.

40:11 Harland Williams Oh, I'm sorry, you're not.

40:13 Adam Harland's from Canada, so everything sounds like hockey.

40:16 Harland Williams No, I'm just saying if you're on a hockey team and you're having a period. No, that would be a problem.

40:22 Drew There's no chance you're pregnant, is there?

40:24 Caller No.

40:25 Drew You're taking birth control, right?

40:27 Caller I'm not on birth control.

40:29 Drew You're not on birth control?

40:30 Caller No, but I'm not sexually active.

40:31 Drew Okay, I'm sure they went over with you in great detail.

40:34 Caller Yeah.

40:34 Drew All right.

40:35 Caller But I haven't had my period in like three months.

40:37 Drew Were you having regular periods before you got on the accutane?

40:40 Caller Well, not really, but it usually wasn't this long.

40:43 Drew Usually?

40:44 Caller Well, it was usually no more than like two months apart.

40:46 Drew All right, well now that you got on the accutane, maybe that's to let things further. So you did have irregular periods to begin with. Yeah. An accutane can screw things up even more, so.

40:54 Caller So that could be a reason for it? Okay. I also have another question. It's kind of more of a mental thing. I'm just wondering, I was dating this guy for like a year, and now he said that he didn't want to be, well, we kind of mutually broke up, and he made all these promises that we'd get back together, and now it's been a couple months, like three or four months, and he's just like ignoring me.

41:19 Harland Williams It's over. Sorry.

41:20 Adam Oh, boy. Oh, baby. Game over.

41:23 Harland Williams He's probably out with the guy with one ball.

41:26 Adam That's right. You know?

41:28 Drew He should be so lucky.

41:29 Harland Williams Look what he's doing.

41:31 Adam Yeah.

41:31 Harland Williams He's got corky fever. I wrote a book.

41:34 Adam He's looking for a girl with one nipple. That was the name of my children's book.

41:39 Caller Well, he's still, like, we still talk, and like we're still friends.

41:41 Adam Yeah.

41:42 Drew No.

41:43 Adam Hey, Lauren, here's the deal. If he's into you, you will know it. And he's not. That's why he broke up in the first place.

41:52 Drew He was trying to ease his way out, but no. I think that's it.

41:56 Adam It's tough. That's all right. There's better guys out there.

42:00 Harland Williams Well, going back to hockey teams, there's a lot of guys on a hockey team.

42:04 Adam A lot of young, toothless guys.

42:05 Caller Get to your local arena.

42:08 Harland Williams See, there you are.

42:09 Caller What?

42:09 He was a loser.

42:11 Harland Williams Oh, man.

42:12 Adam Well, there are other guys out there who play hockey who aren't.

42:16 Harland Williams Have you thought of a nice soccer player, maybe?

42:19 Caller The guy I'm dating used to play soccer and baseball. Well, I was dating the guy that's the problem.

42:23 Drew Oh, see? He's the problem.

42:26 Adam Hey, Lauren, you're going to have to find a new guy. Okay. I'm sorry, but you know what happens to all of us?

42:32 Harland Williams Are you really sorry?

42:34 Adam No, I don't really care.

42:35 Drew I'm 16.

42:36 Adam The program director called us in and told me to start saying I'm sorry more, or at least act sorry.

42:40 Harland Williams You don't look sorry at all.

42:42 Adam I'm not.

42:42 Harland Williams You look like you're daydreaming about a Twinkie on Lake Gukikachi Wachewoochee or something.

42:49 Adam Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking. It was a ding-dong on Lake Titicaca, actually, is what it was, but true, it's true. We were called to the office and our program director yelled at me to act like I cared more.

43:02 Drew No, no, no.

43:02 Harland Williams But I wasn't.

43:03 Drew He told you to shut up.

43:04 Adam Shut up and act like I cared?

43:06 Drew And give some advice.

43:08 Adam Stop yelling at people?

43:09 Drew Stop yelling at people.

43:10 Harland Williams And did he tell you to make fun of the Westwood One studio a lot more?

43:14 Adam No, that's your own.

43:16 Caller There's plenty of that.

43:17 Adam That's a nightly occurrence. You can't take that out of the show. It'd only be a half hour long.

43:21 Harland Williams Sweet God.

43:22 Adam Bob, and we call it Westwood Two around here, not Westwood One.

43:25 Drew Or Westwood None.

43:26 Adam Or Westwood None. Bob, you're 19. What's up?

43:30 Caller Yeah, I got a roommate of mine.

43:32 Caller I think he has a mental problem, but I'm not so sure about it.

43:35 Drew I mean, what's the mental problem?

43:38 Caller I'm not like sure.

43:39 But it's like there's times where he can act like a completely and a completely utterly different person. And he's there's been times where he's sleeping. He, you know, he just also his head pops up. He says something like one time he said, beware of the traps you cannot conceive, falls back down. And he doesn't remember any of this. There's times that we're, you know, we work together also. And it's like there's times at work where he, he could say, you know.

44:05 Drew In the head shop?

44:06 Adam And where do you guys work?

44:08 We're, we're both electricians.

44:10 Adam Oh, really? Yeah. Union?

44:12 Uh, no.

44:13 Harland Williams Yeah.

44:14 Adam You gotta get in the union.

44:15 Harland Williams Yeah.

44:16 Adam Get some real money. What do you do, commercial or residential? Residential. Nice.

44:21 Harland Williams I think I might know what this is, guys. I mean, you're the doctors, but.

44:25 Adam Go ahead.

44:25 Harland Williams Does he make, like, owl noises, like an owl sometimes?

44:29 Well, actually, he usually sticks with the farm animals, actually.

44:33 Harland Williams Oh. Well, then, I'm going to throw it back to these guys because I, uh, Bob, with owl.

44:37 Drew Does he do drugs?

44:39 Adam No.

44:40 Drew I mean, when people have wild changes in their personality or mood, the first thing to be ruling out is the possibility of chemical dependency, drug use. Other than that, there are certainly mental illness that can occur. He could have bipolar condition. He could maybe be schizophrenic, but if you have concerns, you're not going to make that diagnosis on your own.

44:58 Adam What happens when you call him on it?

45:01 Mostly, he just looks at me like I'm crazy. He thinks I'm making everything up.

45:07 Adam All right. Well, tell him you're not making it up, but maybe he should go in and get checked out.

45:11 Drew And part of having more serious mental illness is lack of insight.

45:14 Adam Oh, really?

45:14 Drew They don't realize what they're doing.

45:17 Adam I've been saying to Drew for years, remember the good old days when crazy people just thought they were Napoleon? Yeah. It was a much happier place we lived in.

45:26 Drew Yeah.

45:26 Adam They weren't deranged. They weren't making noises. They weren't killing.

45:29 Drew Well, they weren't aggressive.

45:30 Adam They weren't aggressive. Yeah, they walked around thinking they were Napoleon.

45:34 Harland Williams Yeah.

45:34 Adam I could do with a little more of that.

45:36 Harland Williams Yeah. My only concern is that this guy, if he's nuts, you know, you don't really want him in your house playing with live wires. You know, he's an electrician.

45:44 Adam Yeah.

45:45 Harland Williams Or maybe it will help if he gets a little zap here and there.

45:48 Drew And just so uptight.

45:49 Adam He's liable, liable not to ground something or put a GFI switch in where he should.

45:55 Harland Williams Yeah. You know, when he starts an electrical fire.

45:59 Adam All right. We're going to take ourselves a little break, Bob.

46:01 Drew We just finished with Bob.

46:02 Adam Oh, I thought we were going to. Oh, yes. Hold on. Well, we got to we have a question for Harlan about Big Money Hustlers, by the way. Oh, Violent J is in that? Yeah. Oh, that's good. He's a he's a hero to Dr. Drew. Harlan Williams is our guest tonight. We'll talk about the human violin, J, after this.

46:32 Caller Yay, Love Line!

46:33 Adam I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Drew. Vinnie Jones from Snatch will be in here tomorrow night. I caught him on Letterman last night, actually.

46:42 Harland Williams From where?

46:44 Adam He's he's from Snatch. It's a small town north of England.

46:48 Harland Williams Oh, because I've actually been in Snatch once and I don't remember it being in England.

46:53 Adam Beautiful women.

46:55 Harland Williams Have you ever been in Snatch?

46:56 Adam Yeah.

46:57 Harland Williams Oh, how was it? How was the weather?

46:59 Adam It was wonderful. It was actually a little balmy. It was sort of humid.

47:04 Harland Williams Maybe we should go to Snatch together one day.

47:08 Adam The same Snatch?

47:09 Harland Williams Sure. All right. I've got a big car.

47:16 Adam Snatch is whatever that movie that Madonna's husband is doing. The guy did Lock, Stock and how many smoking barrels? Two smoking barrels. That's right. Vinnie Jones. Anyway, interesting guy. Like championship soccer player in England for many years and all that. Like I said, I caught him on Letterman last night. Very interesting guy. So he'll be in here tomorrow night. Tonight, we're stuck with Harland Williams from Gary and Mike. Friday nights, eight o'clock UPN. You want edgy? This is like a ruler of this show. It's got so much edge.

47:51 Harland Williams It's got a lot of edge, man. I mean, it really pushes the envelope, you know?

47:55 Adam Right.

47:55 Harland Williams But what's cool about it is the show looks like it skews young to like 13 year olds. Who will appreciate it? But it's got that Simpsons vibe where people in their 40s, 50s will get a bang out of the Bugs Bunny Daffy Duck philosophy.

48:13 Adam Yeah, kids like it and grown ups like it too.

48:15 Harland Williams And grown ups like it too, yeah.

48:17 Adam All right. Let's speak to Seth who's 17. Seth?

48:21 Yeah.

48:21 Adam What's up?

48:22 I just wanted to ask Harland what it was like working with OCP and Twisted and Big Money Hustlers.

48:29 Harland Williams Oh yeah. That movie. I did a movie with Big Money Hustlers. It was fun, man. They were crazy guys. It was a really good time. We shot in Harlem in New York.

48:42 No pay? Yeah.

48:44 Harland Williams I got a little bit of pay. I wasn't going to go up to New York in the middle of February without getting some salad to stick in my wallet. But it was a fun experience, man.

48:55 Adam And had you, were you a fan of the Insanity?

48:59 Harland Williams I had never even heard of them. When they asked me to do it, I went out and picked up one of their CDs. I don't remember. There was a song on it about some guy going to his high school and putting his teacher's head in a duffel bag. That was my intro.

49:18 Adam That could have been any of their albums.

49:21 Yeah. Yeah.

49:21 Harland Williams But I just thought it was so cartoony. It would be fun to do this thing. So.

49:28 Adam And he's a... Now, how was Violin J?

49:31 Harland Williams I don't know which one's which. I just called them like... To me, it was like Peter, Chris and Paul Stanley. I just squint my eyes and they looked like kiss, you know, because they wear the makeup, right?

49:43 Adam Anderson, give us a little taste of Violin J, please.

49:47 Caller You are an asshole.

49:48 Drew No, the joke.

49:49 Adam Yeah, give us Violin J. We'll watch.

49:52 Caller The only weight I lift is my own, my big fat ass every day when I wake up. That was pretty good.

49:59 My fat ass went away.

50:01 Caller Oh my God.

50:02 Caller Hey, play that again.

50:04 Adam Is that the ring any bells?

50:07 Harland Williams Yeah, that's him.

50:08 Adam All right.

50:09 Harland Williams That's him, boy.

50:11 Adam All right.

50:11 Harland Williams I'm back on the cold streets of Harlem right now.

50:14 Adam You guys going to do any more projects together?

50:16 Are you going to be in the sequel, Big Money Restless?

50:19 Harland Williams I didn't even know they're doing one, but I don't know if they asked me to...

50:24 I don't think too many people do know about it.

50:25 Harland Williams It depends. If they asked me, maybe I would.

50:28 Drew Seth's going to produce it. The first time those guys came in the studio, they scared the hell out of us.

50:32 Adam They had the Mexican wrestling masks on.

50:35 Harland Williams Yeah, they're crazy guys. They're big. They're pretty big. They're cool guys.

50:41 Adam We got a little more. Do we have a little more, Jay?

50:43 Caller You can caress the balls. You can gently pet them. You can stroke them. You can juggle them from side to side to side to hand, but don't punch the balls.

50:54 Caller Oh my God.

50:55 Harland Williams Wow. He's right, though.

50:57 Adam He does make a point.

50:58 Harland Williams You're right. You're right.

50:59 Adam John?

51:01 Harland Williams Yes?

51:02 Adam John, you're 24. What's up?

51:04 Caller Hey there. I just wanted to ask Carolla a question. What did you do right after school, after Sheridan College?

51:11 Harland Williams Let's see. Right after Sheridan, I was actually I was... What did I do? I got a... I started doing stand-up on amateur nights in Toronto and I had like a nine-to-five job as a mail room boy working for the police.

51:29 Adam Really?

51:30 Harland Williams Yeah. I worked for the police force, the police chief, and I've sorted all the mail and then at night I'd go out and start working on my stand-up and then once I got good enough at the stand-up, I said, See you later, copper.

51:44 Adam Is everyone a Mountie in Canada or do they have regular police?

51:47 Harland Williams They have regular police and then the Mounted, Royal Canadian Mounted police are like our elite police. They're like our FBI. I see. They're like our Cracker Jack Jones.

51:58 Adam So you would aspire to get in the Mounties if you were just a regular Canadian cop?

52:02 Harland Williams I would aspire to get into the Mounties mail room.

52:06 Adam I see.

52:07 Harland Williams Yeah, because I remember what I said. I was in the mail room.

52:10 Adam Right. I didn't mean you personally.

52:12 Harland Williams I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah, one would, but you need a lot more to run a police force. Right.

52:19 Adam And how did you get that gig in the mail room?

52:23 Harland Williams I actually started. They were looking for some shlop to clean out the store room in the basement of this giant office building, and they hired me for two weeks to do that. And in my two weeks there, the old guy that worked in the mail room had a heart attack.

52:42 Drew Very funny.

52:43 Adam Yeah, it's hysterical.

52:44 Drew I see where you honed your humor.

52:46 Adam If he died, it's really going to be hysterical.

52:48 Harland Williams And they needed a guy, well, he was in the hospital. They liked the cleanup job I did down in the dungeon, so they asked me to come up and work in the mail room, and it led to like a two-year gig that kept a roof over my head while I was honing my stand up at night, you know?

53:06 Adam And are you just basically sending headshots out of the officers, you know, like autographing it for them and sending it back to their fans, or what do you do in the police mail room? How much mail do they get?

53:18 Harland Williams They get a lot, man. I was in the accounts receivable. They get like checks, they get all the fines that people pay, the parking tickets. Your favorite. They had a division in Canada where, you know, extreme pornography was illegal, and they had an apartment called Project P. And every now and then they'd send like a really wicked videotape through the mail, and, you know, sometimes we'd get photographs from a crime scene. I remember one day they sent in some photographs of a guy sitting on a couch with a rifle between his legs, and he had a mustache under his nose, but his nose and the whole top of his head was gone, and just the mustache and the rest of his body was in perfect condition, and I almost threw up. It was like the first look I had at real death, and it was creepy.

54:13 Adam But again, more fodder for the act.

54:15 Harland Williams Yeah, man, I mean, the chuckles that followed.

54:18 Adam Sure, I mean, you tell the heart attack story with the old man, and then the logger blew his head off story.

54:24 Harland Williams Yeah, a logger.

54:25 Adam You got a good 30-minute set.

54:27 Harland Williams He thinks everyone in Canada is a logger.

54:29 Adam Well, I don't know if he was running moose or logging or what he was doing over there.

54:33 Harland Williams The Prime Minister log rolls on his lunch break.

54:38 Adam Every time I watch that lumberjack competition, though, I say fat to the part where they climb, they climb that big log at the top.

54:45 Harland Williams Oh, yeah.

54:45 Adam And the modified chainsaw event, all that, but the log rolling.

54:50 Harland Williams Or the throwing log.

54:51 Adam I can do that.

54:52 Harland Williams I can throw an axe.

54:53 Adam No, they throw the axe.

54:54 Harland Williams I can do that.

54:55 Adam Oh, can you?

54:56 Harland Williams I can give you a chainsaw noise if you want.

54:58 Adam Yeah, give me that.

55:08 Drew How dare you think everyone up there is a logger?

55:10 Adam Let's see if I can work up a little chainsaw noise later on in the show. Drew, you've heard that one, haven't you?

55:15 Harland Williams Try the burritos.

55:16 Adam You know, my favorite part of the Lumberjack competition I watch on ESPN 5 at 4 in the morning when I can't sleep is the unlimited chainsaw competition.

55:27 Harland Williams Oh, it's chainsaw action.

55:29 Adam He has an 18-foot blade that's made out of a single billet of 220 steel, and he's actually powered by a outboard engine. 440 cubic inches.

55:41 Harland Williams You're getting me hot, buddy. He's got a big block hammy.

55:44 Adam There's a guy who's carrying...

55:46 Harland Williams Don't stop.

55:47 Adam He's got a big block Chevy engine with a blade on the end of it. He's firing the thing up.

55:52 Harland Williams Oh, God, you're good.

55:55 He could just take...

55:57 Adam He's got a boat in half in about three and a half seconds.

55:59 Harland Williams Oh, my God. Stop it. You're wearing me out.

56:03 Adam All right. Let me tell you what.

56:03 Harland Williams You are spicy, daddy.

56:05 Adam You are spicy. The other part in the lumberjack competition I like is the one where they have to make the notch about eye level with the axe, put a plank in it, and then get up on the plank and top the log off at the top, doing these huge chops sitting on a plank that's just been stuffed into the wall.

56:24 Harland Williams Oh, God, you dirty monkey.

56:27 Adam The smell of the two-stroke oil.

56:29 Harland Williams Oh, God, you're a dirty monkey.

56:31 Adam And the cedar chips flying.

56:33 Harland Williams Dirty, dirty monkey. What the hell's the matter with you?

56:39 Adam I like the log. I like the competition. Good. The little monkey scampering up that pole and jumping off the top down to the bottom. You see, it saves time, Drew, if you just jump off the top instead of climb down. Ian?

56:55 Harland Williams Yeah.

56:56 Adam Drew, you ever see a lumberjack competition?

56:58 Drew I think I have.

56:58 Adam Okay, thank God. Ian, you're 32.

57:02 Harland Williams Yeah.

57:02 Adam That's pretty scrappy chicks in that competition, too, once in a while.

57:05 Harland Williams God, I just want to take you to a rainforest and drip water on your forehead.

57:10 Adam It could be a range. What's up, Ian?

57:13 Hey, I'm getting ready to go get my nuts cut.

57:16 Adam Great.

57:17 Harland Williams Yeah. We were talking about good chainsaws, weren't we?

57:21 One of the chainsaw, hopefully.

57:22 Drew So you've had enough children?

57:24 Yeah, I've had two. And my biggest concern is getting gay wood when that gets done. I mean, what's the, you know...

57:34 Drew Are you gay?

57:35 No.

57:36 Adam They say gay wood?

57:37 Caller Yeah.

57:38 Because, you know, if you get a hard on in front of another man, it's like gay wood, even though you're not gay.

57:43 Harland Williams Who's going to get a hard on while their nuts are getting chopped off?

57:46 I don't know. I mean, what's the point of that happening?

57:48 Drew By the way, these are medical professionals.

57:50 Adam It could happen.

57:50 Drew It's not like they're going to kibba-dab, but they have to have to Adam.

57:54 Adam Yeah. Well.

57:55 What do you think they're Adam?

57:56 Adam Well, I'll tell you what happens, quite frankly.

57:59 What's your view on that?

58:00 Adam Well, I know what you're talking about, where if you're a real straight guy, the real responsive penis, every time your underpants come down, you get an erection. Right? I mean, there's the opportunity for erection when your pants come down.

58:13 The wind blows, bang.

58:15 Adam Right.

58:15 Drew Well, the penis is preparing for action.

58:17 Adam On the other hand, you're going to be so freaked out and sedated that it's not going to happen. You understand? I got an erection in a doctor's office once.

58:27 Drew It was a women's clinic, wasn't it?

58:29 Adam No, that was another situation where I had my pants down. Thank you for bringing that up. I was having to get a physical, and the doctor said, get in your underpants and hop up on the table, and I'll be back in ten minutes, as they're prone to do. Well, he came back about 45 minutes later, but as I was sitting there in my underpants on the table, I was thinking to myself, well, now would be a bad time for an erection, because he's going to come in here, he's going to ask me to drop my underpants, and I'm going to have an erection, I'm going to take an eye out.

58:57 Harland Williams Well, what was in that room that gave you an erection?

59:00 Drew Just the thought that it was a bad idea to have an erection.

59:02 Adam Listen, what's in a prison cell that gives a guy an erection? His brain. Do you know what I'm saying?

59:08 Harland Williams You're right. Once again, you're right.

59:10 Adam I was 18 years old, and of course, when I thought, don't get an erection, immediately the blood started churning to the groin. So I'm now having an erection in the doctor's office, and because I'm 17, 18, it's turned into a full-blown erection in about four seconds, and I'm standing there with this erection poking out of my tighty-whities, and I'm thinking, this guy's going to come walking through the door any second, I'm going to be standing here with a boner.

59:35 Harland Williams Oh, come on. You know how you cure this? It's simple. I'll tell you how I cured it. I'm going to tell you how you cure it, and this guy on the phone, what you do, go to the store, buy yourself a can of Pringles, cut the bottom out of it, and should you hear the wind blowing, you get a hard on, just rest that old can on top, and someone just thinks you're having a nice, friendly canister of chips. They don't know you got a big dildo in there.

1:00:01 Adam You know, you're so right, and I wish I'd thought of that, but I didn't have the Pringles can in front of me, so instead I got down and started doing pushups.

1:00:10 Harland Williams And he thought you were mounting the floor.

1:00:12 Adam He thought I was driving, helping the carpet.

1:00:14 Drew Did you think for a second just how confounding the embarrassment would be had he walked in with you with the erection, now doing pushups?

1:00:23 Adam Anything would have been better than me standing there with the erection, and I thought, when's the last time you had a boner when you were doing pushups? The answer was never, and it quickly went away.

1:00:32 Harland Williams Was there one of those skeletons hanging in his office watching you, like, get hard?

1:00:37 Adam That's right, Mr. Bones, I called him. Chris?

1:00:40 Caller Hello.

1:00:41 Adam You're 28.

1:00:42 Caller Hi, how you guys doing?

1:00:43 Adam Good. How you doing, Perky?

1:00:45 Caller Well, good.

1:00:47 Caller I'm going to start the medication tomorrow. I'm a carrier for tuberculosis, and a couple people at the hospital I go to are telling me, don't have a drink of alcohol, you could destroy your liver. Poppycock. What's the deal?

1:01:01 Drew It is, it can inflame the liver. Are they giving you B6 with it too?

1:01:06 Caller I think I did read the information sheet on that, and they did say take B6 with it.

1:01:10 Harland Williams Yeah, so.

1:01:11 Adam All right, so wait a minute, she's a carrier for TB, meaning she hasn't come down with it?

1:01:15 Drew She has primary TB.

1:01:17 Caller I can't spread it unless I'm sick, isn't that right?

1:01:20 Drew No, no, Chris. She gets infected with it, and your body contains it the first time you're exposed to it, unless you have some immune system problem. If she were to go on chemotherapy, get AIDS, or have some immune alteration, or get re-exposed to TB, then she'd get the full-blood infection.

1:01:35 Caller Right.

1:01:36 Drew So treating it now prevents that from happening. So they take a medication called INH, or isoniazid, and it's liver-toxic.

1:01:43 Harland Williams Where does she live? Where do you live?

1:01:46 Caller Fresno.

1:01:47 Drew Fresno.

1:01:47 Harland Williams Oh, God, because you don't want a girl like this living up in western New York, because they're spraying for this, eh? They send the helicopters out and they spray.

1:01:57 Caller One quick question, Dr. Drew. Can I give this to anyone?

1:02:00 Harland Williams No.

1:02:01 Caller The doctor that I, I'm a waitress, and the doctor that I went and saw said, well, I'm glad I don't eat at that restaurant. I wanted to smack him. What a crappy thing to say.

1:02:11 Drew He's being insensitive and trying to make it be funny, but listen to me try to be funny.

1:02:16 Harland Williams It's just about a helicopter joke.

1:02:18 Adam Yeah, if you want to know if, as it turns out, comedians don't even have a sense of humor, much less doctors. All right, so Chris.

1:02:25 Drew Drink away, baby. You shouldn't drink. No, no, you should not drink. If you don't have a glass of wine here, there are probably a couple of wine coolers.

1:02:32 Adam While she's on the medication, is that what you're saying?

1:02:34 Drew She shouldn't use alcohol. It's not a good idea.

1:02:35 Adam Why not?

1:02:36 Drew It's liver. It inflames the liver, that medicine.

1:02:38 Adam I see. As I've said many a time, I get medication that says, do not drink. To me, that means drink.

1:02:46 Drew Do not fill in the blank. It means do more of fill in the blank.

1:02:49 Adam Yeah. The sticker that says, do not drink on the side of the prescription medication is the same to me as the sign that says four-way stop sign. That means plow it, baby. They shouldn't have told me it was four-way. I would have stopped if I thought it was two-way. Now that I know it's four-way, I'm going. I just hope another one of me isn't coming the other direction. But I can't tell the difference between the ones that say, do not drink because it'll F up your liver and do not drink because you'll catch a better buzz. Right. I wish they would clarify that on the label there.

1:03:19 Drew Harland is very interested in that. Well, yeah.

1:03:20 Harland Williams Which one? He's just crazy. It's like, you're probably the type of guy that goes to a movie and talks during the movie.

1:03:28 Adam I've been known to.

1:03:29 Drew No.

1:03:29 Harland Williams You're nuts.

1:03:30 Drew I hate that.

1:03:30 Adam I'm out of control.

1:03:31 Harland Williams This guy's wild. He's like a crazy lightning flash. Matt?

1:03:37 Caller Yeah.

1:03:38 Adam You're 15.

1:03:39 Caller Yeah, hey.

1:03:40 Harland Williams Why do you keep saying they're ages?

1:03:42 Adam It's important.

1:03:43 Harland Williams It is?

1:03:44 Adam Yeah, I think people want to know. Like, you call up, you say you're pregnant.

1:03:49 Harland Williams You can tell by a guy's voice, though, if he's 15 or 32.

1:03:53 Drew It's an interesting thing about this show. You can't.

1:03:55 Harland Williams I can.

1:03:56 Adam We have 15. Well, let's try. We'll do a little experiment. Hold on here, Matt.

1:04:00 Drew Try this one. That's a woman. Female.

1:04:02 Adam All right. Well, he can guess the ages.

1:04:05 Drew Maybe try these two.

1:04:06 Caller All right. Hold on.

1:04:06 Adam I'll try them all. All right. We'll play Stump Harland. Yeah. All right. David? Yeah. Say a few words, please.

1:04:16 Caller Huh?

1:04:16 Drew Say hello to Harland.

1:04:17 Adam Hello, Harland.

1:04:18 Caller Okay.

1:04:18 Adam How old is David?

1:04:20 Drew Hold on, David. Don't answer that. It's for Harland.

1:04:22 Adam How old is Harland?

1:04:24 Harland Williams 18.

1:04:25 Adam 19.

1:04:26 Drew Good.

1:04:26 Harland Williams That's good.

1:04:27 Adam Not bad. Let's keep trying here. Kimberly?

1:04:30 Yeah.

1:04:31 Adam Say hello to Harland.

1:04:32 Hello, Harland.

1:04:34 Drew Hi.

1:04:35 Adam How old do you think that is?

1:04:35 Drew Where are you calling from, Kimberly?

1:04:37 Washington.

1:04:38 Drew Washington, DC.?

1:04:39 No.

1:04:40 Drew Washington what?

1:04:44 Adam All right. She's 15. And by the way, that's how he picks ladies when he heads out, too. Sally?

1:04:52 Caller Uh-huh.

1:04:53 Adam Say hello to Harland.

1:04:54 Caller Who's Harland?

1:04:55 Adam He's, just say hello to him. What's your, you idiot?

1:04:57 Hi.

1:04:59 Drew Hi, where are you calling from?

1:05:01 Caller Washington.

1:05:02 Drew Washington State or Washington, DC.? Washington State?

1:05:06 Caller Yeah.

1:05:06 Caller Whereabouts?

1:05:07 Caller Seattle.

1:05:08 Drew Okay, Seattle.

1:05:09 Adam All right, hold on.

1:05:10 Drew Harland?

1:05:10 Harland Williams 20. Both 15. See, I told you.

1:05:14 Adam Well, the point is...

1:05:15 Harland Williams I said guys.

1:05:17 Adam Yeah. Now, now is where you yell touche. But the point is, is if she is saying she's pregnant or she's saying her boyfriend beats or whatever, it's a big difference between 15 and 20.

1:05:28 Harland Williams You're right.

1:05:29 Adam That's why I'm here.

1:05:29 Harland Williams Man, do I feel stupid. All right. Why do I always come in and try to wreck your show?

1:05:34 Drew Jason.

1:05:34 Yeah.

1:05:35 Drew Hey, what's up?

1:05:36 Hey, what's going on? I'm...

1:05:37 Adam Wait a minute. Where are you calling from?

1:05:39 LA.

1:05:40 Adam All right. I want to guess Jason's age.

1:05:42 Harland Williams Jason, you're 17, right?

1:05:46 Yeah.

1:05:47 Adam No, he's 26. All right. So let's get back.

1:05:50 Harland Williams He said...

1:05:51 Adam Let's get back to Matt now.

1:05:53 Harland Williams Yeah, let's get back to Matt. You've been wasting Matt's time.

1:05:58 Adam You're 15. What's up?

1:06:00 Caller Hey, after I... Actually, just like every time, like I move or if I sit in like a chair for a long time, like my balls start to hurt.

1:06:10 Adam I see.

1:06:11 Drew And every time you move?

1:06:14 Caller Yeah, like if I like jump around too much. Yeah.

1:06:16 Adam You're going to have to kill yourself, Matt. I rarely say that to a listener, but if your balls hurt every time you move, it's time to just... Remember that picture Harland was talking about?

1:06:27 Drew Nice.

1:06:27 Adam Start growing a mustache, buddy.

1:06:30 Harland Williams I got to ask you, buddy, what do you sit on traditionally?

1:06:33 Caller A chair.

1:06:34 Harland Williams What make?

1:06:35 Caller Are you...

1:06:35 Harland Williams Are we talking IKEA or Lazy Boy or what?

1:06:39 Caller No, like sometimes at school. Like them tube chairs they got at school.

1:06:43 Harland Williams There you go, son. What you've gotten is allergic reaction to cedar.

1:06:48 Adam Are you sitting on your nuts?

1:06:52 Caller No.

1:06:52 Harland Williams Are they huge?

1:06:54 Caller I think so.

1:06:55 Drew Well, Matt, somebody needs to take a look at this and see why you're having pain, okay? Why don't you tell a doctor about it, right?

1:07:00 Caller Yeah, but it's sort of hard because I'm not the normal thing that I would go up and talk to my parents about.

1:07:07 Drew Yeah, well, don't even have to tell your parents. Just get to see a doctor.

1:07:10 Adam Well, go to the school doctor.

1:07:12 Harland Williams Yeah, what size are they? I mean, we got to ask the guy, are they, you know, he said they're extra large. Are we talking tennis ball, orange, grapefruit? Give us a reference point here, Jerry.

1:07:23 Adam Matt, what is it?

1:07:27 Harland Williams Pomegranate. You can say it.

1:07:30 Adam Listen, don't try to talk to the callers. He's not going to give you a good answer.

1:07:34 Harland Williams Come on, he's got it.

1:07:35 Adam Do you really think he's going to? All right.

1:07:36 Harland Williams I'm really curious now. I feel for this kid. Matt, what size are they?

1:07:42 Caller Like, um, size?

1:07:46 Harland Williams Like ostrich egg?

1:07:48 Caller Maybe a couple inches.

1:07:50 Adam All right. Do you see how satisfying that was? Don't you feel better, Harland?

1:07:54 Harland Williams I'm just trying to help.

1:07:56 Adam You've learned some very important lessons in the last few moments, haven't you?

1:07:59 Drew Loveline lessons.

1:08:01 Adam Jason?

1:08:01 Yeah.

1:08:02 Adam You're 26?

1:08:03 Caller Yeah. Hey, what's up? This is cool. Yeah, Harland, I'm a huge fan.

1:08:07 Harland Williams Thanks, buddy.

1:08:08 Caller And same with you, Adam and Dr. Drew. I'm listening to you guys all the time.

1:08:12 Adam Well, thanks.

1:08:12 Harland Williams Thanks.

1:08:13 I was wondering, Harland, what was your first...

1:08:15 Caller Do you remember the first joke you ever told doing stand up? And then, if you ever felt like giving up?

1:08:22 Harland Williams Well, maybe after tonight's show, I'll be... No, but I think one of the very first jokes I ever told was a fat mother joke. And I believe it was, my mother is so fat that she eats cereal out of a satellite dish.

1:08:43 Adam And that's back when they were the big ones.

1:08:45 Harland Williams That's when they were the big ones, yeah, back. And not many people had them. But, you know, when I first started out, I did five minutes of fat mother jokes because it was like, I don't know.

1:08:56 Caller You ever heard the one, your mom is so fat, when you call her name, she breaks through the wall.

1:09:02 Adam Oh, you mean like, Hey Kool-Aid?

1:09:03 Caller Yeah.

1:09:04 Adam Yeah, that's a good one. All right, Jason.

1:09:07 Caller Oh, that's so exciting.

1:09:08 Adam Keep that day job, buddy. Keep your job at the police room.

1:09:12 Harland Williams Hey, hey.

1:09:13 Drew The future is there, people are working down there.

1:09:15 Adam All right, buddy. Hi, listen, I swear to God, I keep trying to work up my chainsaw in person. I felt it come and go just a few days.

1:09:23 Harland Williams Really?

1:09:24 Adam Yeah, I'm going to see if I can work that up during the commercial break.

1:09:26 Drew Harlan's leaving now.

1:09:27 Adam Oh, is he leaving?

1:09:28 Harland Williams Yeah, I got to get back to the forest. What?

1:09:30 Adam I didn't hear anything about this.

1:09:32 Harland Williams Yeah.

1:09:33 Adam Now look, you stay one more break. It's a quick one. It's like five minutes.

1:09:37 Harland Williams It is not, it's 20 minutes. I got to be up at five in the morning.

1:09:41 Adam What time did you get here for this 10 o'clock show tonight?

1:09:44 Harland Williams 10 after 10.

1:09:45 Adam 10 after 10. All right. So who owes who 10 minutes. And you were so wrong about those, about the ages of the callers.

1:09:53 Harland Williams I know.

1:09:54 Adam But maybe I was combined with getting here late.

1:09:56 Drew Come on. You guys are totem poles.

1:09:58 Adam Yeah, we're totem poles, brother.

1:10:00 Harland Williams Come on.

1:10:01 Adam One more break. It's not a long one. You just had the long one. You're out of the woods.

1:10:05 Harland Williams I'll talk.

1:10:06 Adam I'll talk about. I'll talk about a wood chipper when we come back.

1:10:11 Oh, hello.

1:10:14 Drew This is Loveline.

1:10:15 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:10:20 Adam Yep, it is Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Drew over there. Harland Williams is our guest tonight. He is one of the stars of Gary and Mike.

1:10:30 Drew He's leaving in six minutes.

1:10:31 Adam Friday, eight o'clock on UPN, everybody. The edgiest formation yet.

1:10:40 Drew Here's one of the things that drives us crazy. You're going to get up at five o'clock tomorrow morning to talk to 10, 12, morning show. You're talking to 75 radio stations right now.

1:10:50 Adam That's right.

1:10:50 Drew We need a lot more mileage.

1:10:52 Harland Williams Just relax in here. Oh, really?

1:10:53 Drew Just take it easy.

1:10:54 Harland Williams Gary and Mike, Gary and Mike, Gary and Mike.

1:10:56 Adam There you go.

1:10:56 Harland Williams See what I did there?

1:10:57 Adam Times 75.

1:10:58 Harland Williams I said it three times.

1:11:00 Adam David?

1:11:01 Yeah.

1:11:01 Adam You're 19.

1:11:02 Caller Yes.

1:11:03 Adam What's up?

1:11:04 Caller First, I'd like to make a shout-out for my brother.

1:11:09 Adam Did Anderson cut him off?

1:11:10 Drew Yes.

1:11:11 Adam Oh, okay. Why did he cut him off? Anderson doesn't like shout-outs? No. Josh?

1:11:15 Caller Yeah.

1:11:15 Adam You're 21?

1:11:16 Caller Yeah.

1:11:17 Harland Williams Josh?

1:11:19 Adam Anderson cut him off.

1:11:20 Drew No, no. He didn't do that.

1:11:21 Adam I know. I don't know what happened to him. Hey, Harland, you're the kiss of death. Get out of here. Come on. Seriously.

1:11:26 Harland Williams Yeah, really? I told you I should have left.

1:11:28 Adam Sally?

1:11:28 Caller Hey.

1:11:29 Adam You're 15. What's up?

1:11:31 Caller Well, first of all, who's this Harland guy?

1:11:34 Adam Okay.

1:11:34 Caller Hey, hey, hey. No. Hey.

1:11:37 Caller No, okay. Never mind. Can I just get to my question?

1:11:39 Adam Yeah. He's a guest on our show.

1:11:42 Drew Dumb and dumber.

1:11:44 Oh, sorry.

1:11:45 Drew I saw you in that space drama.

1:11:48 Adam Some Rocket Man.

1:11:48 Harland Williams Rocket Man. Right on.

1:11:50 Adam Sally? Yeah. He's a comedian actor.

1:11:54 Drew My kids love that film by the way.

1:11:55 Adam He's done a number of movies and a number of TV shows and now has a new TV show out. Okay?

1:12:02 Harland Williams Not a household name. Adam, why did you...

1:12:05 Drew Rocket Man should have been some sort of all-time hit for you with him farting into the spacesuit. It should have been especially humors for you.

1:12:13 Adam He was in Something About Mary, all right?

1:12:15 Drew Oh, okay.

1:12:16 Adam All right. Jesus Christ. What's your goddamn question, you pain in the ass?

1:12:21 Drew Oh, come on.

1:12:22 Adam I don't go...

1:12:23 Caller Why does...

1:12:23 Adam All right.

1:12:24 Caller Go ahead.

1:12:25 Caller Well, like a little bit before New Year's, I was hanging out with my cousins and stuff. And my cousin and his friend decided that they thought that they'd be cool, so they decided to pull out some drinks. And they got really drunk. And I woke up and his friend was touching me. And I didn't know what to do. And so I freaked out and I just like stiffened up. I didn't move, but he kept touching me. And I didn't know what to do. And I wanted to say something, but I had just met him that day. So I didn't know if he'd hurt me or what. And so he like kept going on. And so finally like when he left, I like ran out and I told my cousin right away and my aunt found out, but they didn't do anything about it. They were just like, well, I'm sorry that this had to happen to you. And then they didn't do anything.

1:13:09 Adam Well, what did he do though?

1:13:10 Caller Well, he, well, he like tried to stick his hand down my pants and stuff and right. Yeah.

1:13:16 Adam But but he wasn't really successful, was he?

1:13:19 No.

1:13:19 Drew You fought him. You fought him off.

1:13:20 Caller I kept rolling over.

1:13:21 Yeah.

1:13:21 Adam Good. All right. But what as far as what they're supposed to do, I mean, this guy's in a hole. But there's really not a whole lot they can do about it other than talk to the guy about it.

1:13:32 Drew Keep him out of there. Keep him away from you. Yeah.

1:13:34 Caller But he, okay. Another thing was he said that he didn't remember a thing.

1:13:37 Drew That could be.

1:13:38 Adam Well, he could have been drunk and effed up himself.

1:13:41 Drew And then listen, we're not, listen, we are not excusing this behavior. It's it's reprehensible. It's it's if you want to call the police, you certainly have the right to do so. I just don't know if they would do anything. But you stay away from this guy. They raise holy hell if they if the family allows him around the house again. And I think it's very disrespectful of you if they have anything to do with this kid.

1:14:01 Caller Well, do you think it's like wrong that my aunt didn't say anything to my mom or anything? Because no one knows except for my aunt and my brother.

1:14:07 Adam But here's the deal, Sally, and I don't want to be insensitive. I know I called you a pain in the ass 10 seconds ago, but why? You got loaded, passed out with a couple of guys. Why are you so eager for this to make the headlines over at your house? I mean, isn't this the kind of thing you'd like to kind of just sweep under the carpet and move away from?

1:14:29 Drew Or do you want your mom to know?

1:14:31 Caller No, I don't want my mom to know, but I don't know. I don't really. It's like my aunt acted like it was nothing at all.

1:14:38 Adam I understand she may have dismissed it, and that may not have felt good. And she was probably a little embarrassed about the whole thing and probably didn't want your mom to find out about it either. But as a teenage girl who was sort of drinking...

1:14:54 Caller No, I wasn't.

1:14:56 Adam You said they made some drinks and you passed out.

1:14:59 Caller No, they were drinking. I wasn't.

1:15:01 Drew You just went to sleep or something?

1:15:02 Caller Yeah, I went to bed and he ended up in my room.

1:15:05 Adam Oh, okay. Well, that's a little worse. But the point is, what would you... I know you're not getting full satisfaction out of this, but one of those things, I would just put it behind you and move on.

1:15:19 Drew What would you like to have happen?

1:15:21 Caller Well, I don't know. That's why I called.

1:15:24 Drew Are you okay?

1:15:25 Caller Yeah. I guess if I told my mom, she wouldn't trust me with any guys ever because she'd probably think that it was partly my fault or something.

1:15:32 Drew Well, listen, whenever somebody gets in a situation where they're rendered powerless, it's almost less painful to assume responsibility for it than to admit how severely powerless you were in that situation. So it wasn't your fault. You went to sleep. You were violated. It wasn't your fault. You want somebody to help you with this and to support you, to be empathic with you. And well, you should have, but it could be quite a price to pay if you get a mom. She could be pissed. That's the point.

1:16:00 Adam We spent too much time on this. Sally, you're fine. Don't get drunk. Don't let your cousin get drunk anymore around you. And move on.

1:16:08 Caller All right.

1:16:09 Adam All right. You're fine. All right?

1:16:10 Caller Okay. All right.

1:16:12 Adam I got a chainsaw impersonation to do.

1:16:14 Caller Hold on a second.

1:16:15 Adam Let me try to get this thing going. Are you ready? This is a Husqvarna.

1:16:22 Harland Williams Oh, nice.

1:16:23 Adam This is a Badger series. It sounded like a chainsaw, didn't it?

1:16:34 Drew Pee-wee Herman's chainsaw.

1:16:35 Harland Williams Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care.

1:16:38 Adam Oh, James, aren't you glad you stuck around?

1:16:41 Harland Williams Wow.

1:16:42 Adam James, you're 17. Yes. I tell you, that's something brewing all night. I just can't get it out.

1:16:46 Harland Williams You just scorched your filter.

1:16:48 Drew James, where are you calling from?

1:16:50 Adam What's up there, James?

1:16:50 Drew How the hell do you think James is?

1:16:54 Harland Williams 16.

1:16:55 Adam Say hello to Harland.

1:16:56 Caller Hello, Harland.

1:16:57 Harland Williams Oh, he's older. That guy's like 32. 17.

1:17:00 Caller So are you guys going to game with me?

1:17:01 Harland Williams I said 16.

1:17:03 Adam Yeah, we already did. What's up?

1:17:05 Caller I have this rash around my penis, like underneath the hair.

1:17:11 Drew Underneath where?

1:17:12 Caller Like by the hair.

1:17:13 Drew The hair?

1:17:14 Caller Like underneath, around the hair area, the pubic area.

1:17:18 Drew Okay.

1:17:18 Harland Williams Do you have a room?

1:17:20 Adam I don't trust him.

1:17:22 Drew Okay.

1:17:22 Caller Don't trust me.

1:17:23 Drew Go ahead. What about it?

1:17:25 Caller Well, I just kind of wondering about an idea about what it might be.

1:17:31 Harland Williams It could be a lot of things.

1:17:32 Drew It could be allergic rash, could be herpes, could be scabies, could be all kinds of things.

1:17:37 Harland Williams Is there any pus present at all, my friend?

1:17:40 Drew Could be crabs.

1:17:42 Caller Yeah, I don't think it's crabs, but a few months ago I kind of had the same thing, but it was different because like there was bumps and it was kind of like, it looked like pimples or something.

1:17:53 Harland Williams Was there pus?

1:17:55 Caller Yeah.

1:17:56 Drew See, folliculitis, you can get the molluscum contagiosum. Somebody needs to look at it, James, figure it out for you. You're not going to figure it out.

1:18:04 Caller Would that go away and come back again?

1:18:06 Drew Some of these?

1:18:07 Caller Would that go away and come back again?

1:18:08 Drew Some of these, yes. Some of these are ashes I've mentioned.

1:18:10 Harland Williams See a doctor, my friend.

1:18:12 Adam Are you sexually active, James?

1:18:15 Caller Yes, sometimes.

1:18:17 Harland Williams All right.

1:18:18 Adam Me too.

1:18:19 Harland Williams He's got to get to a clinic, man. It's not that intimidating. Once you're in, you do it, you walk away, you feel like a million bucks.

1:18:28 Adam Harland, you ever had your junk examined by a stranger?

1:18:31 Harland Williams Oh, yeah. I had a symptom, you'll know this one, urethritis.

1:18:35 Drew Oh, urethritis.

1:18:36 Harland Williams Yeah.

1:18:37 Drew That only gets around here.

1:18:39 Harland Williams This was when I was like 21.

1:18:41 Drew This was a paying fire.

1:18:43 Harland Williams Oh, it's like you've got an itch in your tube, but it's on the inside. You can't scratch it.

1:18:49 Drew In your tube.

1:18:50 Harland Williams I didn't know what you guys say on this.

1:18:52 Adam You gotta get a coat hanger.

1:18:54 Harland Williams They shove a Q-tip up your teriyaki steak and they take a swabby. Holy God. You know, I got it, cause my girlfriend had a yeast infection.

1:19:08 Drew No, no.

1:19:09 Harland Williams Yeah. No. That's what the doctor told me.

1:19:12 Drew No way.

1:19:12 Harland Williams Really? So what was it? Now I gotta know.

1:19:15 Adam Not yeast.

1:19:16 Harland Williams What is it?

1:19:16 Drew No way it's yeast.

1:19:17 Harland Williams What is it?

1:19:18 Adam She was...

1:19:18 Drew Flammity or hemophila or something.

1:19:20 Adam Probably sleeping with a minor.

1:19:23 Drew I mean, a venophila. Some other vaginitis.

1:19:25 Harland Williams What's venophila?

1:19:26 Drew Hemophila.

1:19:27 Harland Williams What's that?

1:19:28 Drew Hemophila. It's a bacteria that we can overgrow in the vagina and be just a vaginitis. It doesn't have to be sexually transmitted. You can get that. But if it's enough that it's causing you pain, you really think in terms of STDs usually.

1:19:40 Adam Yeah.

1:19:40 Drew Not used.

1:19:41 Adam She was sleeping around that logging camp and brought some home.

1:19:45 Harland Williams I have an STD.

1:19:46 Adam Yeah.

1:19:47 Drew Yeah.

1:19:47 Harland Williams Go ahead. When I retire, boy, my STD matures and I'm set.

1:19:53 Adam Good for life?

1:19:54 Harland Williams 65 and I'm living in Cocoa Beach with my STDs.

1:19:58 Adam Are you putting a little pus away for the kids?

1:19:59 Harland Williams You got that right, Sand Blaster 12.

1:20:02 Adam We will...

1:20:04 Harland Williams Say goodbye to Harland.

1:20:05 Adam We are. Is that from Thunderbirds or something?

1:20:08 Harland Williams No, it's just a CB handle I'm giving to you.

1:20:11 Adam I like that, Sand Blaster 12.

1:20:12 Harland Williams Can I say sayonara?

1:20:14 Adam Yes, you can.

1:20:15 Harland Williams You guys have Japanese listeners, right?

1:20:17 Adam Sure.

1:20:18 Harland Williams Sayonara.

1:20:19 Adam Thank you. Gary and Mike, everyone, is the name of the show, Friday Night at 8 o'clock. Thanks. Run out and wake up in three and a half hours and talk to a whole bunch of morning zoos and enjoy that.

1:20:30 Harland Williams Thank you.

1:20:31 Adam We'll be back after this.

1:20:34 Hello? Is this Loveline? Call 1-800-LOVE-191. Adam and Dr. Drew will be right back.

1:20:44 Well, there you have it.

1:20:45 Adam Harland Williams has left the studio. Good guy. I want to remind everyone to watch Gary and Mike on Friday night at 8 o'clock. Tomorrow night, Vinny Jones from Snatch and Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, which I always heard was a great movie. I haven't seen it yet, but I heard great things about that and saw him on Letterman last night. He was very engaging. So we look forward to that tomorrow night. Kimberly?

1:21:08 Yeah.

1:21:09 Adam You're 15? What's up?

1:21:12 Caller Well, I kind of like, I do harm to myself.

1:21:16 Drew You're cutting yourself?

1:21:17 Caller Yeah, because I'm very depressed, clinically.

1:21:21 Drew Are you being treated?

1:21:23 Caller Yeah, I'm on medication.

1:21:25 Drew Okay.

1:21:26 Caller But it's not really, I still do it.

1:21:28 Drew All right. What's your question for us?

1:21:31 Caller I just want to know why I can't stop doing this and what's causing me.

1:21:37 Drew Well, again, as we talked about earlier with eating disorders, your brain really has only so many ways to cope with overwhelming feelings and some people manifest eating disorders, some people use drugs and alcohol, and some people cut. It's a way of trying to relieve stress, to manage pain, and it just suggests the amount of emotional pain you're in and really you've got to go back and talk to your caretakers, your psychiatrists, your psychologists, and make sure that they're on top of this and trying to change medication, increase your treatment so that you aren't in such pain.

1:22:09 Caller Yeah, my parents don't know that I do this.

1:22:12 Drew Well, but talk to your, you have a psychiatrist, right?

1:22:16 Caller Yeah, I'm in between them basically right now.

1:22:19 Drew All right, it's time to get someone to really watch over you and help out with this, because these are serious issues, okay?

1:22:24 Caller Yeah, because my parents don't really want me to be in this, so it's good that I have a psychiatrist, not bad.

1:22:30 Drew They don't want you to have one?

1:22:31 Caller Well, they, I don't know if it's weird they do, but they don't want their image to be brought down because they have a psychotic daughter.

1:22:38 Drew Well, you're not psychotic, and if they can't help you, screw them. This is...

1:22:44 Adam Well, first off, what's that mean, screw them? She's 15.

1:22:47 Drew But you know what I mean? That's ridiculous. Don't worry about their image. You have a serious health issue. It needs to be managed. If their denial is such they can't accept that, screw them. That's not your problem.

1:22:58 Caller But they won't pay for it. Well, again...

1:23:02 Adam Do your parents make money?

1:23:03 Caller Yeah.

1:23:04 Adam Can they afford it?

1:23:06 Caller Oh, yeah, yeah.

1:23:07 Adam Who's more sympathetic, your mom or your dad?

1:23:10 Caller My dad. My mom and me have a really good...

1:23:12 Adam All right. So why don't you pull your dad aside, tell him you're cutting on yourself, tell him you're depressed, and tell him you'd like to talk to somebody about it. That's it. And he's, you know, I'm sure he's not the world's greatest dad, but he's not the world's worst dad. And if you present it that way, I bet he will pony up a few bucks and find you somebody if he's halfway decent.

1:23:32 Caller Okay. All right.

1:23:33 Adam All right.

1:23:34 Caller Thank you.

1:23:34 Adam Hey, good times, okay?

1:23:36 Drew Good times. Enjoy.

1:23:39 Adam Enjoy. I got ants in my house now.

1:23:42 Drew Oh, yeah. I live on some ant graveyard, burial ground. Some ant colony lives under our house.

1:23:48 Adam American ant Indians have died there.

1:23:51 Drew They've come to attack.

1:23:52 Adam Yes. Mine are on the war path too. I can't figure them out, but they're all over the place. But the thing that's funny about me is I see an ant in the kitchen. I go, well, that one's a scout. Yeah, I always do that. I go, he's a scout. I'm going to kill him because if I don't kill him, he's going to go back and report to the other ants, and then they're all going to come in here. And then two minutes later, I see another one. I go, another scout. I kill him. Then I see like five, a whole scouting party. I see, I see like 180,000 of them on a turkey leg. Look at all these scouts. There's a weird mentality to dealing with ants and that you always, you always decide that the first one you see is some kind of scout. And I'm not even sure if that even makes sense.

1:24:32 Drew If that even happens, yeah.

1:24:34 Adam Somebody decided a few years ago that one ant alone was a scout. Doesn't work that way with people. You see a guy pushing a shopping cart down the street. You don't know, he's a scout. There's other hobos behind him. I better run this one over. He's going to alert the others. Scout.

1:24:49 Caller Matt?

1:24:51 Caller Yes.

1:24:51 Adam You're 19. What's up?

1:24:53 Caller My left nipple has a clear fluid that comes out if I squeeze it.

1:24:59 Drew That's milk.

1:25:01 Caller It's not a lot of fluid and I wanted to know if it's normal.

1:25:05 Adam It's milk?

1:25:06 Drew It's milk.

1:25:06 Adam He's a guy.

1:25:07 Drew Yeah. Men can produce milk too.

1:25:10 Adam Oh really?

1:25:10 Caller So it is normal.

1:25:12 Drew It's not normal at all. Do you think most men produce milk normally?

1:25:16 Adam Well, when they're pregnant.

1:25:17 Drew Yeah, when they're pregnant, they would indeed. Are you on any medication?

1:25:21 Caller No.

1:25:22 Drew Adam, you on any medication?

1:25:24 Caller No.

1:25:26 Drew No. Yeah. Are you on medication, Matt? Anything?

1:25:28 No medication.

1:25:29 Drew Okay.

1:25:30 Adam Okay. So why couldn't this be pus? Does it have to be milk?

1:25:35 Drew It could be pus. Occasionally, it can be an infection.

1:25:37 Caller But it's clear.

1:25:39 Drew Milk is a taste. Oh, man.

1:25:41 Adam Well, he's just doing a little self-diagnosis. What's wrong with that?

1:25:46 Drew No. Are you having thyroid problems? Any other medical problems?

1:25:52 Caller No. I'm perfectly healthy.

1:25:53 Drew You should be checked out because the most common reason for this, actually, is medication. Then there are thyroid disorders that can do it. And certain tumors in the pituitary gland could be associated with this, too. So it's important to get it checked out.

1:26:06 Adam Okay.

1:26:06 Drew Okay.

1:26:07 Adam Excellent. Now, all right, there. Have fun there, Lactate and Queen. Melissa?

1:26:12 Caller Yes.

1:26:12 Adam You're 15?

1:26:13 Caller Yes.

1:26:14 Adam What's up?

1:26:15 Caller Oh, there's this guy that I've liked for, like, two years now. All his friends think that I'm a slut. And, um...

1:26:26 Adam Why do they think you're a slut?

1:26:28 Caller Huh?

1:26:29 Adam Why do they think you're a slut?

1:26:31 Caller Oh, because, you know, stuff gets around.

1:26:33 Adam Oh, I see.

1:26:34 Caller You know, like, and, um, I kind of...

1:26:37 Adam Well, have you slept with a bunch of guys?

1:26:38 Caller No, I have not been with any of them.

1:26:40 Drew Okay. Any of the ones that are saying this or any guys, period?

1:26:45 Caller What you saying? I hear you.

1:26:46 Adam I was doing a chainsaw impersonation. Listen, Melissa.

1:26:50 Caller Yeah.

1:26:50 Adam Are you sleeping with a lot of guys or not?

1:26:52 Caller No, I'm not.

1:26:53 Adam No. So they think you're slut for no reason?

1:26:57 Caller Yeah. I mean, I, you know, went down on a few guys and that's about it, but...

1:27:01 Adam Okay. So, now...

1:27:06 Caller I want to get with this guy, but I'm not sure.

1:27:08 Caller Yeah, well, yeah.

1:27:09 Adam Go ahead.

1:27:10 Drew You're 15.

1:27:11 Adam Well, why not?

1:27:13 Caller Well, because I meant, like, what if he thinks I'm a slut, too?

1:27:16 Adam Well, there's only one way to find out, and that may make him more apt to get in a relationship with you. You never know. How old is he?

1:27:23 Caller He's 17, I believe.

1:27:24 Drew Yeah.

1:27:27 Adam Is he in high school?

1:27:28 Caller Yeah, he is.

1:27:29 Adam Senior?

1:27:29 Caller Yeah.

1:27:30 Adam And you're what, in the 10th grade?

1:27:32 Caller Yeah.

1:27:33 Adam That's a little distance there. Yeah. He's got a little different. His penis has a different agenda than your penis does. Yeah. Well, listen, Melissa, if you like the guy, why don't you just go talk to him? Why are you thinking about it so much? I know it's your job as a 15-year-old girl, but just go talk to him.

1:27:54 Caller Okay.

1:27:55 Adam If he likes you, he likes you. He doesn't care what his friends say.

1:27:58 Caller Yeah, that's true.

1:27:59 Drew I realize it sounds like the kind of guy that would just be looking just to use her as an object, not have a relationship. Why?

1:28:06 Adam Because he's a senior. There's a lot of senior guys who were going out with 10th grade girls when I was in high school. It wasn't me, but they were out there. Casey?

1:28:17 Caller Yes, how are you doing?

1:28:18 Adam Good, you're 21. What's up?

1:28:19 Caller Yes, I'm a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. And it seems that since I've been sober, it's harder to meet girls.

1:28:28 Drew How long have you been sober?

1:28:29 Caller About 16 months now.

1:28:32 Adam Well, that's good. Yeah, it's tough because you lost your balls, right?

1:28:36 Caller No, I didn't lose my balls at all.

1:28:38 Adam You still go up? You have no problem going up and talking to a woman?

1:28:42 Caller No, I kind of clam up a little bit.

1:28:45 Adam Yeah, that's what I mean.

1:28:46 Caller Oh, I thought you meant I lost my balls literally.

1:28:49 Adam No, I didn't mean your balls have been taken away. Just like if I said you lost your heart or your guts. I wouldn't mean that someone had devoured you. I just mean you don't have as much confidence as you had when you had a beer in your hand.

1:29:02 Drew Yeah, pseudo-confidence. Yeah. Don't you find you're attracting sort of healthier people?

1:29:08 Caller Yeah, definitely attracting healthier people.

1:29:11 Drew Yeah.

1:29:12 Adam Yeah, healthier people are less apt to let you pick up on them unfortunately.

1:29:17 Drew You might just use friends to network with and introduce you to people. It takes work and it's gonna be about real relationships now not about drugs.

1:29:25 Adam You go into meetings? Yeah.

1:29:26 Drew You don't meet people at meetings.

1:29:27 Adam Yeah, your cruise check is at a meeting.

1:29:28 Drew No, no, no, no, no.

1:29:28 Adam That's the easiest place.

1:29:30 Drew Nope.

1:29:30 Adam You go to one of those CA meetings. Nothing but a bunch of skinny hot blondes.

1:29:34 Drew But you can use friends you know from the program to introduce you to other people who are dating and whatnot. So just be patient.

1:29:41 Caller What's the CA meeting?

1:29:43 Adam A cocaine anonymous. I go to one every Wednesday night and I've never even done coke.

1:29:47 Drew You're not going to a meeting?

1:29:48 Adam Tons of chicks.

1:29:49 Caller No, I'm never going to a cocaine to meet.

1:29:51 Adam Yeah, go to the West Hollywood.

1:29:54 Drew Cut it out.

1:29:55 Adam A cocaine anonymous meeting, tons of hot blondes.

1:29:58 Drew Casey, talk to your friends. Keep going to the program, work with your sponsor. You'll be fine.

1:30:02 Adam Drew, seriously though, you know what I'm talking about?

1:30:04 Drew I've never been to that meeting, but...

1:30:05 Adam I have had, close your eyes and imagine what's over in the Beverly Hills Hollywood CA meeting. Just a bunch of 21-year-old hot models are trying to kick.

1:30:15 Drew Why are you looking over there?

1:30:16 Adam Looking to replace that coke with some penis.

1:30:18 Drew Jordan 16.

1:30:19 Caller Yeah, I was wondering, last night I was, you know, with my girlfriend and she had like a whole bunch of cuts around her vaginal area.

1:30:30 Drew Yeah, that's usually herpes.

1:30:33 Caller And she was just wondering, you know, what's the cause of it?

1:30:35 Drew That's usually herpes, Jordan.

1:30:36 Caller All right.

1:30:38 Drew Those kinds of ulcers and cuts and things. It can be just a vaginitis. They can create the parents of that kind of thing too. But usually it's sort of herpes until proven otherwise.

1:30:48 Caller All right.

1:30:48 Drew So she needs to see a doctor. If you guys are sexually active, it's extremely important. She can get looked at.

1:30:53 Adam Yeah, for you too. You got the lights on when you're going at it?

1:30:57 Caller Yeah.

1:30:57 Adam Jesus Christ. How old is she?

1:30:59 Caller She's 18.

1:31:01 Adam Holy Christ. 18.

1:31:03 Caller Yeah.

1:31:03 Adam You son of a bitch. 18. 16. This guy sounds like he's 12. Is she out of high school? Is she a senior?

1:31:12 Caller Yeah. She's out of high school.

1:31:14 Adam And you're in the 10th grade?

1:31:16 Drew 11th grade.

1:31:17 Adam 10th or 11th grade?

1:31:18 Caller I'm in 10th.

1:31:19 Adam 10th grade? Banging around with a chick who's graduated or would have graduated high school?

1:31:24 Caller Yeah.

1:31:25 Drew Should have.

1:31:25 Adam Should have graduated high school chronologically?

1:31:28 Caller Yeah.

1:31:29 Adam Did she graduate high school?

1:31:30 Caller Actually, she just got her GED.

1:31:32 Drew Oh, imagine that.

1:31:34 Adam Shocking.

1:31:34 Drew Adam, how dare you?

1:31:35 Caller Who knew?

1:31:36 Adam Who knew? All right. Hey, Jordan.

1:31:39 Caller Yeah.

1:31:39 Adam Be careful, buddy.

1:31:40 Caller All right.

1:31:41 Adam You could get something that you'd have for longer. She has that GED.

1:31:44 Drew Work on them.

1:31:46 Caller All right.

1:31:46 Adam All right, buddy.

1:31:47 Caller Take care.

1:31:47 Adam In good times, right?

1:31:48 Caller Yeah.

1:31:49 Adam All right. We'll take a break. We'll be back.

1:31:58 Caller Hey.

1:32:01 Adam It is the famous Love Line. And there you go. I want to thank Harland Williams for coming in here tonight. He's a good guy. You can just tell by his vibe.

1:32:10 Drew Yeah. Great guy.

1:32:10 Adam Most Canadian guys are that way. Canadian guys are regular guys.

1:32:14 Drew How's it going?

1:32:14 Adam Yeah. It's good nationality over there. Gary and Mike's the name of the show. Eight o'clock Friday nights UPN again tomorrow night. Vinny Jones from Snatch, ex-champion soccer player and last movies. Two guns and a smoking barrel movie that I got to see. Yeah. Lock stock and two smoking barrels. So we'll be interested to see what he has to say tomorrow night. And until next time, it's Adam Corolla from Dr. Drew saying Mahalo.

1:32:46 This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Dan Wilkins Dingle. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Tuesday, January 16, 2001