Episode 1000754887228

1:38 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience.

1:41 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content.

1:45 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised.

1:46 Voiceover Adam Corolla, Dr. Drew.

1:49 Voiceover I'm not modeling anymore for the two of you.

1:51 Voiceover Loveline.

1:52 Adam Yep, it is Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. Dr. Drew is not in town this week. Dr. Bruce allegedly is filling in for him, although now it's been two nights in a row where he's not been here when the goddamn show has begun. Unacceptable. Thank you. That's what I enjoy about Dr. Bruce. He takes a very casual approach to national radio. It is night number two where he is not here when the show.

2:23 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce And the show starts.

2:25 Adam The show starts, yeah. And it's so funny about that. Oh, that's Carlos Mencia, by the way. He's a stand up. And I'll tell you all about him. He is our tonight's guest. But let me just get through Bruce for a second. Bruce, my only beef with Bruce, and I'm a little hard on him. And Carlos, when you see Bruce, you'll understand why I'm hard on him, is he works at Loma Linda at the hospital. He's an emergency physician. And the guy's got a decent life, but he's no celebrity. He's no Marcus Welby.

2:58 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Right.

2:59 Adam And once in a while, my partner Drew goes out of town on some kind of business, and Dr. Bruce gets to sit in for him.

3:07 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Right.

3:07 Adam And it's a lot like the starting quarterback going down and you getting to come out of the stands and play a few quarters. Maybe just one or two games a year. But still, you're not going to say, hold on, let me finish my beer when the coach points at you. You're going to hustle down to the field. Bruce does not take that approach to this show. He does not care if this show is national or not. He doesn't care how many cities it goes into. He doesn't care how many millions of people are listening. He shows up when he shows up. And his attitude is what you call laissez faire. So he will theoretically be in here. But I don't know for sure. So let's get the phone number out, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Snoop Doggy Dog will be in here tomorrow night. Carlos Mencia is a Hispanic stand-up who's got himself in a good laugher, which already makes me like him. He's going to be at the comedy festival coming up, which I'll be at.

4:14 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce You're going to be at the comedy festival?

4:15 Adam Absolutely.

4:15 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce You're going to be doing some stand-up?

4:17 Adam No. I'm a horrible stand-up. Really? Yes. Yes, I suck. So I'll not be doing any stand-up. We're doing some kind of man show. Actually, I had an idea about doing a man show reunion, even though we've only been on for one season. So we're going to do a man show reunion type thing up there for Comedy Central. You're going to be performing? Yeah. Doing stand-up up there?

4:39 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce I'm going to be doing some stand-up up there on Friday and Saturday.

4:42 Adam And that's a, wait, who, what? Oh, well, look what the cat dragged in, everybody. Dr. Bruce. Unacceptable. Dr. Bruce, say hi to Carlos Mencia.

4:54 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce How are you, doc?

4:55 Adam There you go.

4:56 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Shaky, what's the matter?

4:57 Adam Put your headphones on.

4:58 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Have a good excuse, man. Just come on with a good excuse. Just lie about it. Just take one of your patient stories and exacerbate it and make just like the biggest lie so that it sounds great. You know what I mean?

5:09 It's going to be a tough night.

5:10 Adam Hey, Bruce.

5:10 Yeah.

5:11 Adam Remember we had that conversation Sunday night and you said to me, show up 15 minutes early so we can hang out. Remember that?

5:20 No, I said show up 15 minutes late so I could do the show.

5:23 Adam No, jackass. You said show up. All right. Put those headphones on. I have no time for you. I'm running on minimal sleep here. Anyway, Carlos has got himself a TV show but it ain't out yet so I'm not going to plug that. You will see him at the Ice House if you go down to Pasadena on the 28th of January. Is it this Friday?

5:42 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Friday and Saturday.

5:43 Adam And Saturday and has a CD coming out in English and Spanish.

5:49 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Got to do that now. You know what I mean?

5:51 Adam Yeah, I'm going to do one in French and German. Did you do two completely separate shows obviously in English and Spanish?

6:03 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Well, basically it's the same show but one's in English and one's in Spanish. So it's kind of like the Livin La Vida Loca song, you know what I mean? That's in English and in Spanish.

6:16 Adam So you play a club with the gringos in there, and then the next night you get some of the homeboys in and you do the same.

6:24 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Some of the beaners. That's right, you could say it.

6:26 Adam I miss beaner. Nobody uses beaner anymore.

6:31 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce I love beaner.

6:31 Adam I like beaner too.

6:33 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Beaner is a good one.

6:34 Adam Listen, I think it's fine when people are associated by the food they eat.

6:38 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce I agree.

6:39 Adam I like krauts for Germans. I thought it worked.

6:42 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Crackers for white people.

6:44 Adam Yeah, although is that just because we eat crackers?

6:48 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce I have no idea.

6:50 Adam You know what I was saying to somebody the other day? We need a good animal for the white person. Because he blacks, whenever that monkey thing comes in, everyone goes nuts. They got their animal.

7:01 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Yeah, as soon as somebody says monkey, it's a negative black thing.

7:04 Adam It doesn't matter. The black guy could have scored a touchdown, he could have crawled up the goalpost, and he could be standing on the goalpost scratching his underarms.

7:13 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Eating a banana.

7:14 Adam And if the announcer said, look at him, he looks like a monkey, he's fired.

7:18 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce He's fired.

7:18 Adam Eating a god damn banana on the goalpost.

7:21 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce You're gone.

7:21 Adam And crapping on the opposing team.

7:23 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Yeah, he could do that.

7:24 Adam And they would still, if he said he's acting like a monkey, he's fired. White guys, we got no animal.

7:29 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce No animal.

7:30 Adam And Mexicans.

7:31 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce We got no animal. We're just lazy, supposedly.

7:34 Adam You kind of got the donkey, but not quite.

7:38 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce But the good donkey, it depends on what donkey you're talking about. If you're talking about the donkey that does the chick, that's not a bad donkey to be.

7:47 Adam You know, I think the donkey is good for the Mexican, because here's the bottom line with the Mexican as far as I can tell. I grew up in LA and I worked in structure.

7:56 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Where in LA.?

7:57 Adam Grew up in North Hollywood.

7:58 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Oh, so you know.

7:59 It's a common white person excuse for prejudice.

8:03 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce I got Beener Friends. Is that it?

8:04 Adam No, I know the Mexicans. I grew up in Los Angeles. And then, as you know or don't know, you work 13 years construction in LA and you only work with Mexican dudes.

8:15 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Yeah, and you got to learn how to speak Spanish.

8:18 Adam Yeah, I only learn, let's see, I learn limpierre. That means clean. Clean.

8:24 Rondes, exitos en español.

8:27 Adam That's Dr. Drew, everybody. But I think the donkey is a good metaphorical animal for the Mexican because here's why. Doesn't want to do the job but eventually gets up and does it. Right. That's the way I look at it. A little stubborn at first, maybe wants to sit in the shade, but you yank on the chain long enough and it'll drag that plow all the way across the land.

8:52 Caller White people are turkeys. Turkeys? They honk.

8:55 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Honky.

8:55 Adam Yeah. See, again, it's tough with the, like I said, the white guys. We got to get ourselves a good animal and a good slur.

9:05 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce But I'm not Mexican anymore. What are you now? I'm Cuban now.

9:09 Adam Yeah.

9:10 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce But just in case anybody even thinks of deporting me, they won't.

9:14 Adam Yeah.

9:14 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce That's my stand on this now.

9:15 Adam That's a good call. Yeah.

9:16 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Yeah. So all you illegal aliens, you're Cubans now. Trust me on this one. Nobody will get rid of you. As a matter of fact, if you got family left over, they'll fly their asses here to meet you.

9:28 Adam Most white guys can't tell the difference anyway. I mean, we don't know if you're from Ecuador, you're from Tijuana, you're from Cuba, you're Central America. We don't really know, do we?

9:38 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce No.

9:38 Adam No. And we certainly, I'm sure there's differences in the language, but we wouldn't notice those subtleties either.

9:44 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce My mom's from Mexico and my dad's from Honduras. And I was born in Honduras, but what people will ask me here, especially anywhere like in Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada, Denver, California, there's so many Mexican Mexicans that they'll ask me, where were you born? And I'll say, I was born in Honduras. And they'll say, what part of Mexico is that?

10:05 Adam Right.

10:06 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce You know what I mean? You don't want to fight it. You don't want to get mad. You just kind of go.

10:09 Caller Where did Cuba come in?

10:10 Adam Is the, quiet down over there, Bruce. You haven't earned the right to talk yet. Let me ask you this. In terms of the dialect differences between, let's say, Mexico and somebody from Honduras. Right. How big a difference is that?

10:26 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce All right. I'll show it to you so you can hear it rhythmically.

10:28 Adam Okay.

10:29 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce All right. In Mexico, it would be like, Oye, Carlos, cómo estás? Pues tienes tanto tiempo no venir por aquí. That's the meter.

10:37 Adam Right.

10:37 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce In Central America, it's like, Mira, oh, no joda, no veniste por acá. Y cómo estás? You see the difference?

10:42 Adam Yeah. Right.

10:43 Caller I'm from New York. Do a Puerto Rican. Make me feel at home.

10:46 Dr. Bruce No, dude.

10:47 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce I don't want to do what he was right now. But the whole thing about... Well, see, Puerto Ricans, though, most of them are born here, so they have a weird accent because it's a mix between Abonics and Spanish.

11:00 Caller Right.

11:00 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce No, seriously. So it's kind of like an Italian, black, kind of a Spanish thing, and it's not an authentic other country accent. Do you see what I'm saying?

11:12 Caller Don't be a Cuban in New York. My Puerto Rican friends would kick the ass of them.

11:16 Adam Yeah, that's the other thing that's a peck of one.

11:17 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce See, like they all hate each other, you know what I mean? Yeah, all beaners hate each other. Trust me. I'm part of it, I know. That's why I say beaner and spick, and I don't even care.

11:27 Adam Good. Listen, I know guys from, like, guys from Nicaragua don't like guys from El Salvador and vice versa. And what they don't realize is all this round eyes just looking at them as just one big Mexican. That's all we see.

11:42 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Just like you're just one big dark thing, dude. You're that close to being black, you know what I mean?

11:47 Caller Right.

11:47 Adam One gene and it's over. I break it up, you're either white, you're black, you're Asian, or you're Mexican.

11:52 Caller Or you're Italian.

11:53 Adam That's it. And the Puerto Ricans and Central Americans, people from Mexico, it's all one big thing.

11:58 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce It's all one big thing.

11:59 Adam One big Mexican to me.

12:00 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce I hear you, man.

12:01 Adam All right. Hey, my plan last night, by the way, you're gonna enjoy this, we had a rabbi in here. I told him, yeah, the Jews and the Palestinians are always going at it over some chunk of land over there. I say, have the Jews pull up stakes, let's move them all out to Baja, California, got a nice chunk of desert over there. They move out there, they get the Mexican economy right back on its feet in just a number of years and they got all the land they need. Doesn't that seem, why doesn't that make sense to anybody but me?

12:31 Caller Because the Palestinians, they're nomadic and there's lots of, there's camel territory.

12:35 Adam Don't give me details. I want reasons why.

12:39 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce I think they should do it, man.

12:40 Adam Let me give you a couple of ideas I've had too about stemming the tide of illegal immigration into this country. We need illegal immigrants though. From the Tijuana border. But we're always looking for ways to get rid of this. Here's my plan. I got a couple of big master plans.

12:54 Caller Can I go sit in my car for a minute?

12:55 Adam One is, no, this is good. Right at the Tijuana border, we open a giant Pep Boys and we staff it with DEA agents. Or with the immigration agents. It's just one big plywood thing. And we have a big sign out front that says, like, free batteries. The Mexican guys, Mexicans cannot avoid a Pep Boys. I don't know if you've been to a Pep Boys. It's a big auto parts chain. Mexican guy could have just made it over the border, but if he passes that huge Pep Boys, it says-

13:22 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce He's gotta pull over and get in there.

13:23 Adam Free tires. He's running in there. And that's, he just opens the front door, goes right back into a bus, and we take him right back across the border. The other angle I have is in, and this sounds a little strange, but do the math. We take the border in Tijuana and we move it back into Ensenada. Okay. Then they flee into Tijuana and take low-paying restaurant job.

13:47 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce And they go back.

13:48 Adam They set up camp in Tijuana. They just stay there. They think they're in. They get a job at a restaurant and they call it a life. Meanwhile, they're in Tijuana.

13:56 Caller The most radical plans, though, are my Mexican-American friends. Once they're over here, they got the great ideas. Huge walls, guns, to keep other...

14:04 Adam Oh, once they're here. Oh, sure. Yeah.

14:06 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Look, the reality is that we need them. Who's gonna cut... Look, seriously. Who's gonna re-plaster your house for $25?

14:16 Adam Listen.

14:18 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce And if you throw in a six-pack, he'll do it quicker. You know?

14:22 Adam No. Nobody does masonry and plaster like a Mexican, too, by the way. Nobody.

14:26 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce All the...

14:26 Adam It's in their blood. In their blood. I am telling you, I've worked with these guys for years. They can handle a trowel and a sling, stucco, like, like, like, like... Someone put a... I think when you're Mexican, when you're born, they put, like, a stucco trowel in your hand when you're three, right?

14:41 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Maybe, maybe there's, like, little tiny things inside the mother's womb. You know what I mean? And we just... We're in there playing with them inside the womb. I don't know.

14:49 Adam I tell you, it's in the blood. John?

14:52 Yo.

14:53 Adam You're 26.

14:54 Caller How you doing?

14:54 Adam What's up?

14:56 Caller I just want to say, I listen to you guys all the time. Good. You guys are all right, man.

14:59 Adam Thank you.

15:00 Caller What country are your relatives from?

15:02 Caller I'm actually Greek.

15:03 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Oh, Greek.

15:04 Caller We don't know a lot of Greek.

15:05 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Oh, we know about you people.

15:07 Caller Hey.

15:07 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce How do you separate the boys from what, from the men from the boys in Greece, what's that, with a crowbar?

15:12 Dr. Bruce Uh, that one.

15:14 Adam All right, John, go ahead.

15:16 Caller Anyway, this is my dilemma. My question is for Dr. Bruce.

15:21 Adam Yeah?

15:21 Caller Thank God.

15:24 Caller I had to take a drug test the other day. This is like a pre-employment thing. And I ended up using my father's urine.

15:32 Caller Did you catheterize yourself, or did he just pee in the cup for you?

15:36 Caller No, actually, he peed in the cup. I warmed it up on the way up there.

15:39 Adam Yeah, that's nice.

15:39 Caller I stuck it in my underwear, and then...

15:41 Adam You warmed it up on the way there. You got one of those coffee mug warmers that plugs into your cigarette lighter for your car? How do you warm it up on the way over there?

15:49 Caller I pulled the cup holder out, it crumbled like a bag, and stuck it in the hole, and then I stuck the little camera film container on top of it.

15:59 Caller You can always swish and spit.

16:02 Caller MacGyver style, man.

16:03 Adam All right, so your dad...

16:06 Caller You're sharper than most. I had a patient, or maybe it's a proverbial story, but the male that used the female's urine, and there was a positive pregnancy test on the male.

16:14 Adam Really? That's funny.

16:17 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce You can't lie about that one.

16:18 Adam The good news is you've been hired. The bad news is you're pregnant. Yeah, right. All right, so John, you used your dad's urine.

16:26 Caller Yeah.

16:26 Adam That must have been a wonderful moment in his life when his 26-year-old son came over and asked to borrow some urine.

16:32 Caller Hey, the guy helps me out when he can, you know.

16:34 Adam Yeah.

16:35 Caller Isn't there a www.cleanurin?

16:38 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Yes, there is. Yeah, there is.

16:39 Adam All right. So you used your dad's urine and?

16:44 Caller I'm wondering if they could determine the age.

16:48 Caller No, no, no. You've got a hokey company though.

16:50 Adam They count the rings. That's just in the stool. That's just number two. Yeah, I don't think they can do it with the urine.

16:58 Caller Okay. My other question is, he's on some high blood pressure medication. And it's a Lodacin, and the other one is aetanol.

17:07 Caller Aetanolol. It doesn't matter. They're not checking for anything but a drugs of abuse screen.

17:12 Caller I understand, but they're probably going to be thinking 26-year-old guy, you know.

17:15 Caller I know what you're doing.

17:17 Adam They're not going to find those in the urine though, John, because they're not looking for them.

17:20 Caller All right.

17:21 Caller I know what John's drug is.

17:23 Caller Marijuana and like-

17:25 Adam What is your drug of choice, John?

17:27 Caller Well, actually, a couple of days ago. Well, I don't buy it or nothing like that, but when it's offered, you know-

17:33 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Dude, we're not cops, bro. Settle down.

17:35 Caller Marijuana.

17:36 Adam Yeah, marijuana.

17:37 Caller It makes some people paranoid.

17:37 Adam Okay. All right. And what was your dad's reaction when you asked him for some of his urine?

17:42 Caller Well, he was kind of pissed off. He was like-

17:44 Caller Couldn't smoke for two days.

17:45 Caller He was cursing me out in Greek, but-

17:47 Caller Okay. So, is there any alcoholism in the family or substance abuse problems?

17:51 Caller No, no, nothing.

17:52 Adam All right. Have fun. What job is it? What kind of job?

17:55 Caller Car salesman.

17:56 Adam All right.

17:57 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce See, his dad's enabling his sorry ass stuff.

17:59 Adam You know what's funny though? The worst jobs in the world are the ones you have to take the drug test for.

18:04 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Yeah, like-

18:06 Adam The guy, we've had guys trying to get jobs stocking at Walmart and stuff, and they're taking drug tests. Meanwhile, I got two TV shows and a radio show. I've never done anything.

18:17 Caller They don't want to know.

18:18 Adam I know, but it's ridiculous.

18:21 Well, it's hard as you're working.

18:22 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce You need to be on some crack.

18:23 Caller For people listening, the legitimate tests are done by people that have to be bonded or take classes just to collect the year, and there's a certification for collecting year.

18:33 Adam They shouldn't give them a heads up, though. Should they?

18:36 Caller No, this is a-

18:37 Adam They should just get them to do it when they show up, not tell them, when you come in tomorrow, we're going to test you.

18:42 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Like Gattaca or-

18:46 Adam Lauren, you're 19. What's up?

18:49 Caller Yes, I'm 19. How are you guys?

18:51 Adam Good.

18:52 Caller Good. I just have a question because I was fooling around with my boyfriend and we were using a candle, and he stuck it like inside my vagina, and it went like in pretty far, and I bled, and I'm just wondering, like, and it wasn't my period or anything for a while.

19:15 Adam Was it one of those sand candles?

19:18 Caller One of what?

19:19 Adam The sand candle variety?

19:20 Caller No, no.

19:21 Adam It was smooth?

19:22 Caller No, it was like a wax candle.

19:23 Adam Wax, I see.

19:24 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce How big was it, though?

19:26 Caller It was long, but, like, I didn't stick the whole thing.

19:28 Caller Listen, I want you to get a wire hair brush. The next time he wants to stick something inside of you, you have to put the wire hair brush up his butt first. How do you like that?

19:36 Adam He didn't get the whole menorah up there, did he?

19:39 Caller No.

19:40 Adam That's wonderful. And it wasn't late, right?

19:44 Caller No, not at all.

19:46 Adam So he put it up there, and it disturbed the floor and the fauna up there?

19:50 Yeah.

19:51 Caller Was it in too far?

19:52 Caller Yeah.

19:53 Caller Did you look at the little marks to tell you how far to put it in? That's how you know.

19:56 No.

19:56 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Did it have any marks?

19:58 Caller OK, really, how old is your boyfriend?

20:02 He's 20.

20:03 Caller OK, did he, did anybody, and I'm trying to be serious, did anybody do anything to him when he was younger, or have you had that much disclosure from him? I mean, certainly these are, there are products that are made to insert, that you can purchase, but it's not a good idea to put any foreign object there because you can get little pieces of it that will act as a nidus for bacteria to grow, a fomite, and it's a matter of having a pelvic exam is the only way to really tell exactly what happened, but certainly it's...

20:38 Adam Alright, so what should she do? Get a pelvic exam?

20:40 Caller You really should have a pelvic exam because...

20:42 Okay.

20:42 Adam Hey Lauren, did you want him to do this?

20:44 Um, I don't know. Not really.

20:47 Adam Yeah, alright. Why don't you stand up for yourself a little bit?

20:49 Okay.

20:50 Adam Tell him no more candles.

20:52 Caller Does he like, yeah, does he do other things that he gets you to do what you don't want to do?

20:56 No, not at all.

20:57 Adam Just a candle.

20:58 Just a candle.

20:59 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce So this is the first freak. How long have you been going out with this guy?

21:01 Um, for a while.

21:04 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Like what's a while?

21:05 Like, not that long actually.

21:06 Caller Since like September.

21:07 Adam Alright. Hey, Lauren.

21:09 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce So he's going to get freakier, you know that, right? I mean, like the candle's like the first thing, you know what I mean?

21:13 Caller Animals next.

21:14 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Yeah, within about a year it's going to be a Mexican donkey. Trust me on this one. He's going there. He will.

21:20 Caller Does he collect snakes or anything?

21:22 Adam Lauren.

21:22 Yeah.

21:23 Adam Yeah, listen. He's going to have the cake up there. And then it's really, he won't know when to stop.

21:29 Oh God.

21:29 Adam Alright, listen you screwball. You start choosing your man a little better. I don't trust this guy. And it's not Virgina. It's Vagina. Alright, it's always trouble when they pronounce it Virgina. They used to shove in one of them candles up my vagina.

21:44 Caller Virginia Vagina.

21:46 Adam Alright.

21:46 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Does it matter how big it is though?

21:48 Adam The candle?

21:48 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce The candle?

21:49 Caller The vagina will accommodate. It's an accommodating organ. It accommodates.

21:52 Adam I have not found that in my experience by the way. Joe?

21:55 Yeah.

21:56 Adam You're 15.

21:57 Caller Yeah.

21:57 Adam What's up?

21:59 Caller I was just wondering, at what age does the penis stop growing?

22:03 Adam Well, basically, I think it's like 19 or something like that, right? But it's pretty marginal from like 15 to 19, isn't it? You might squeeze another 3 1⁄8 of an inch out of it.

22:15 Caller Who knows? It depends on kind of nutrients people use. They seem to be dipping it in things and doing, stretching it.

22:20 Adam Give us a straight answer.

22:21 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Does that stuff work?

22:22 Caller No. None of it works.

22:24 Adam When does the penis stop growing?

22:25 Caller I think.

22:26 Adam Basically when you do?

22:28 Caller Yeah.

22:29 Adam Does the penis keep growing after you grow? I'll tell you, the scrotum never stops.

22:34 Caller I really don't know. I have to be honest with you.

22:36 Adam Joe, what's your problem? Is your penis...

22:39 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Your small penis?

22:40 Caller No, I'm just wondering.

22:41 Adam You're just wondering?

22:42 Yeah.

22:43 Adam How is your penis? Is it a decent size?

22:45 Yeah.

22:46 Adam All right. Well, so you don't have anything to worry about, right?

22:48 Yeah.

22:49 Caller Majority of your growth is done at 16 or 17, but genetics come into play. Some people have a growth spurt later on, 18, 19 years old. So that's possible. But again, it's very interesting to just find out what your concerns are.

23:03 Adam No, he doesn't. Who cares? His penis is the right size. Listen, I'll tell you this.

23:06 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce He's lying.

23:07 Adam My penis stopped growing like 26 years ago. But my scrotum, my left testes has been racing my right testes to the ground for the last 10 years. And my left one is a head like three quarters of an inch.

23:24 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce But when you're cold, do they still go all the way back up?

23:26 Adam Yeah, they go back up to the starting line.

23:28 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Right, right.

23:28 Adam And then it warms up and they start to race again.

23:30 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Right.

23:31 Adam See who can get to the knee first. Ready? Go. Uh-oh, it's cold. All right, let's go back up.

23:35 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Right, right.

23:38 Adam It's like on the downhill skiing, they have that shed at the top of the hill they start from. That's where the scrotum goes back up to. And then it warms up a little. They open the gate. Bell rings. Pow, they're back down again.

23:50 Caller What would the rabbi say about that?

23:51 Adam I don't know.

23:52 Caller It's evidence for a designer, for a creator.

23:54 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce But as you get older, they go lower and lower, right? Because I mean, I've seen my dad, and my dad's just like, he's halfway down the bunny hill. You know what I mean?

24:03 Caller Pendulous breasts and scrotums tend to become pendulous, yes.

24:07 Adam Yeah.

24:07 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Is there any way to stop that? Wearing specific underwear or something like that? Like can you wear specific underwear that holds them in place so that they don't, you know what I mean, hang, so to speak?

24:16 Caller Well, I want to, two comedians, I don't want to try and be funny.

24:19 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce No, no, no, I'm not. I was curious, seriously.

24:21 Adam Hold on a second. Listen, goofball.

24:23 Caller What can I say to a question like that?

24:25 Adam No, you, if you wear, okay, if a woman wears a bra, will it lessen her chance of the breast hanging low?

24:32 Caller It's a different story because you have tissues in this, just as you were describing, there's muscular tissue and there's movement up and down, that's by design. No, there's not, it's not a comparable situation.

24:43 Adam Fine then.

24:44 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce So if you wear a jockstrap all your life that holds up your nuts, basically they're still going to, they're still going to race down the hill.

24:50 Caller You're going to have a lower sperm count because of the increased temperature.

24:53 Adam Alright, and when you let them out it's going to be like a slinky coming out of a can. My dad, you know like when some guys nap, they take their hat and lean it over their eyes, my dad will pull a scrotum up over his head.

25:05 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Over his head?

25:05 Adam Yeah, when he naps.

25:06 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Let him hang behind his head? So he looks like one of those aliens on one of those like TV shows.

25:11 Adam One of the Mexican guys against the cactus when he takes a sombrero and leans it down, except for he's got the scrotum, he pulls it up. All right, we're going to take a little break. Carlos Mencia is here. He is a stand up comedian. I will tell you about where you can find him and all that stuff after this. Dr. Bruce is here. I'm going to give him a good talk into him. We'll be back with more of the show after this.

25:33 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce This is Loveline, 1-800-LOVE-191.

25:36 Adam We'll be right back. It is Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Bruce. Phone number 1-800-L-A-V-E-1-9-1. Snoop Dogg allegedly will be in here tomorrow night, although I believe that. Yay.

26:18 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce You're going to get a contact high, man.

26:20 Adam That's, oh yeah.

26:21 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce You know that.

26:22 Adam That is stand-up comedian Carlos Mencia. He, I've seen him on Tonight Show and Comic Relief. You also can find him coming up at the Ice House this Friday and Saturday with a whole bunch of shows. And he'll be at the Aspen Comedy Festival. He's got a CD coming out in English and Spanish. So actually, if you wanted to learn Spanish, or at least you could probably listen to both of them. Listen to the English one first, memorize it, and then hear the Spanish one, and you could actually sort of time along with it.

26:52 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Right. And you'll know what the jokes are.

26:53 Adam It's Comedy by Berlitz, everybody. And Dr. Bruce is again doing a wonderful job filling in for Dr. Drew. Dr. Drew, Bob. You're 19.

27:06 Caller 17.

27:07 Adam All right. You're 17. You had sex with your girlfriend's mom.

27:12 Caller Yeah.

27:13 Adam All right. Perfectly normal, perfectly healthy. What's your question?

27:17 Caller I kind of want to know how to explain it to my girlfriend.

27:22 Adam And what was the circumstance under which you had sex with her mother?

27:27 Caller I went over to her house one day when she wasn't home, and her mom answered the door and her mom was the only one home. And I went in the house for a couple of minutes and she started hitting on me.

27:39 Adam And where's dad?

27:42 Caller He was at work.

27:43 Adam Okay. So if this is true, mom's a little chaotic, a little out of control.

27:48 Caller Was she under the influence of something?

27:51 Caller No. Not that I know of. Yeah.

27:53 Adam And how old is mom?

27:55 Caller Thirty four.

27:56 Adam And what was mom wearing when she answered the door?

27:59 Caller Normal every day, like blue jeans, a t-shirt.

28:02 Adam Uh-huh. And what room did you do it in?

28:05 Caller Um, her.

28:07 Adam Uh-huh. All right, Dick.

28:09 Caller Made up story.

28:10 Adam Yeah. It's made up because, uh, right. You know what room you did it in.

28:16 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Of course.

28:18 Adam I, listen, I know every room I've ever had sex in.

28:22 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Especially when you're 17. Oh, yeah. And you get, you know, because that's, that's like freaky stuff. And then that, and you know what, even, even if after you're a bit traumatized by it, at the time, it's pretty cool. And when you tell your friends, you know, I did my girlfriend's mom, you're, you're like a stud for however long. I mean, at that age, when you're 17, you know, it's like, you did her mom, you were the man. You know, it's not, you know, it's something that you know, and you remember for a long time.

28:48 Yeah.

28:48 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce I had sex with my teacher when I was 17 and she was 32. I remember exactly what happened.

28:54 Jesus Christ in heaven.

28:56 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Yeah.

28:56 Adam What was his name? No.

28:59 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce What?

29:00 Really?

29:00 Adam How'd you swing that?

29:02 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce You know what? I was, I was one of those students that when I was in the sixth grade, I got skipped to the tenth grade, you know, from the sixth to the tenth grade.

29:10 Adam Tenth grade?

29:10 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Yeah. But my dad didn't want that to happen. So he kind of didn't allow me to go to school for like three years. And I kind of caught up, you know, I was a bit mature and really smart.

29:23 Adam Oh, and let me, let me figure this out now.

29:25 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce We were kind of tutoring.

29:26 Adam What city did you grow up in?

29:27 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Los Angeles.

29:28 Adam And what high school did you go to?

29:30 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Garfield High School.

29:31 Adam Oh, Garfield. Sure. Yeah. We, I think we played them in football or something.

29:35 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce So we were, we were, you know, she was an English teacher and, you know, she really dug my writing and all that kind of stuff. And one day we went over and, you know, she started like getting, you know, saying things and, you know, and I was, I jumped on it. I'm, you know what I mean?

29:50 Adam Wow. This is, this is tremendous. So let me just backtrack for a second. When you're in the sixth grade, they want to push you ahead to the 10th grade. And that's because you're 16 or because you're smart.

30:03 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce No, because I was smart.

30:04 Adam Okay. So you're regular.

30:06 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce It wasn't one of those tragedies, bro.

30:07 Adam You didn't start school until 13?

30:09 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce No, exactly. It wasn't one of those. I've been going to the first grade for four years. It wasn't one of those, man.

30:14 Adam Now, don't make front of the Tardos. So you're in the sixth grade. I mean, I couldn't imagine going through seventh, eighth and ninth grade. That's a huge jump.

30:24 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Right.

30:25 Adam I mean, you must have been some kind of a mad scientist.

30:28 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce I was a stud.

30:30 Adam And so you're what in the sixth grade? 12, 13?

30:33 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce 12. Actually, I was 11, gonna be 12.

30:36 Adam Gonna be 12. And they want to push you ahead to the 10th grade. Which may make sense on paper, but socially I think it's a disaster.

30:44 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Right. And my dad, and you know what, that's so impressive because my dad, who's like a total immigrant, you know what I mean, grew up in Honduras, a really poor country, not a lot of education himself. You know what I mean? I think he went to like the third grade. That was the most he did.

31:01 Adam Considered the genius of the village, by the way, because he made it that far.

31:04 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce And he said, you know what, I'm not gonna let this happen. This is not gonna happen.

31:09 Adam Why didn't you just go to 7th grade? Couldn't they have just said, no, I don't wanna skip him, I wanna be in 7th grade?

31:15 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Because I already knew all, you know what I mean? All those classes, I already knew all that stuff. So it was kinda like redundant. And it got to the point in the 6th grade where they would give us, I was in the advanced class, and they would give us like, you know, something to do that would take an hour. And it would take me like 15 minutes. And then I'd walk around the room telling everybody how stupid they were, you know, for not getting it. Because, you know, it got to that point where I'm just calling everybody an idiot. And I'm really mean, and you know, I'm starting to... Exactly, and my dad...

31:42 Adam Smart and a wise ass, that's scary.

31:45 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce And my dad was like, no, this is not gonna happen.

31:47 Adam So he pulls you out of school.

31:49 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Pulls me out of school.

31:49 Adam And he keeps you at home for a couple of years?

31:51 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce He sends me to Honduras, dude, to a jungle in Honduras.

31:56 Adam To pick tobacco?

31:57 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Yes, I swear to God. I saw him like planting rice and beans and corn and all this psycho. I mean, I'm like hiking three miles to go into the wilderness, practicing slash and burn, you know, kind of agriculture.

32:11 Adam God. Hold on.

32:12 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce First freaking out, man.

32:14 Adam The exact same thing happened to me, so I know what you're talking about. That was my life. But let me explain what really happened here, Carolla. Your father's uncle, his brother, over in Honduras, called and said, here's what he said. The mule died.

32:30 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce We need help with the donkey die, man.

32:32 Adam All right. Hold on. Let me come up with a plan. Son, come here, Carlos, come here. The school, it just called. They said you're a genius. They want to move you to college. I will not let them do that. I will send you to Honduras.

32:46 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Because I love you. I love you too much.

32:48 Adam You'll burn rainforest and pick the back off for five years. Then your comeback will start you in the 10th grade.

32:55 Caller You will learn.

32:55 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce You will learn what it is to be a man.

32:58 Adam Oh my God. The good news is you'll get to bang your teacher when you come back.

33:04 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce It was the coolest, man.

33:05 Caller Thank God we're back to the teacher. But don't you look back on that and think that teacher was pretty messed up.

33:10 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce You know what she was because not only did we have sex, we had anal sex of 17.

33:16 Caller And when you have kids, I don't know if you have kids, but I mean having kids imagining a teacher doing that. Oh my God.

33:23 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce You know what? It's two levels though. You know what I mean? On an intellectual level, I can say, you know what? There had to be something missing in her life, you know what I mean, in order for her to seek what she sought out in me. Do you know what I mean? I mean, there has to be something missing.

33:40 Caller That would be medically or psychiatrically a major disturbance in that individual. And at 17, you feel like you are a man, you're completely capable, it's a wonderful thing. But looking back on it...

33:51 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce But when I look back at it, you know what I mean? I say, wow, she must have been freaked. But there's always that part of me that's like, you know, I was 17 and I scored, you know what I mean? And that part doesn't go away either.

34:04 Caller The question is when...

34:06 Adam All right, Bruce, quiet down.

34:07 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce But you know what I'm saying? I'm happy about it.

34:09 Adam The bizarre thing about this whole thing is like, I look back into my high school experience and I was like, yeah, I was on the JV basketball team. Carlos looks back and I sodomize my English teacher.

34:23 Caller Exactly, dude.

34:24 Adam Oh, well, no.

34:24 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Is that not the coolest?

34:25 Adam I'd love to see his quote in the yearbook.

34:27 Caller Thanks.

34:28 Adam It just said thanks.

34:29 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Thank you.

34:30 Adam All right. We're going to squeeze ourselves in a call. Wow. A skip from the 6th to the 10th. Gone is the ghost. Honduras nails the teacher in the ass. What a rich life you've led, Carlos.

34:42 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce I'm telling you, man.

34:42 Adam Jesus. Michael, you're 16 years old. What's up?

34:47 Caller My photography teacher today tried to kind of make a move on me.

34:52 Adam Your what teacher?

34:53 Caller Photography teacher.

34:54 Adam Oh, photography. And is this a woman?

34:57 Caller No, it's a male.

34:58 Adam It's a male.

34:58 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Oh, so see, now, that's, that's...

35:01 Caller I was going to say it's the 90s, but it's the...

35:02 Caller Yeah, it's not quite as exciting as Carlos.

35:04 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Yeah, exactly. That's scary.

35:06 Adam Sodomy has a whole different ring to it. Yeah, exactly. All right. And what kind of move did he try to make? How do you know he tried to make a move?

35:14 Caller Well, he... I was working on an enlarger, and he came up behind me and kind of grabbed me around my back and said, hey, what you doing, you know, stuff like that.

35:22 Adam Yeah. In the dark room?

35:24 Caller Yeah.

35:24 Adam Yeah. God knows what goes on in that dark room. And what did you say?

35:29 Caller Well, I just kind of turned around and was real scared and was joking around, and I just left.

35:33 Caller OK, wait, did he grab your butt?

35:35 Caller He grabbed your, like, the smaller back.

35:38 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce He kind of rubbed his back in an erotic, provocative kind of way, right?

35:43 Caller Yeah. OK.

35:43 Adam You probably need to report this.

35:45 Caller Absolutely.

35:45 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Yeah.

35:46 Caller That's really...

35:47 Adam Because here's the deal. There are people that won't be as assertive as you who may fall victim to this guy.

35:53 Caller Right.

35:54 Adam You understand?

35:55 Caller Yeah.

35:56 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce And I mean, it sounds like you weren't, like, overtly aggressive in saying, hey, get away from me or whatever. You kind of, like, laughed it off and walked away, too. So this is something that you definitely need to tell somebody.

36:09 Caller And frightened is a key word.

36:10 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce And frightened, right. Yeah.

36:11 Caller And, Michael, you shouldn't have to have any further negative experience. Because of this, there's an adult in your life, somebody you can talk to, your dad, or...

36:22 Adam I'd just go right to your counselor and just tell him.

36:25 Caller If he's comfortable with it. I'm just saying if he's afraid to talk to them.

36:27 Adam If he is. If he's not older brother, dad, or pedophile uncle, somebody you can trust. That's all I'm saying. Christina?

36:34 Yeah.

36:35 Adam You're 18 years old?

36:37 Caller Oh my God. Hi.

36:38 Adam Hi.

36:39 Caller Yeah.

36:39 Adam Uh-oh. You got that little girl voice, you know, that always worries me.

36:42 Caller Everybody tells me that. It's fine.

36:45 Adam All right.

36:45 Caller Yeah.

36:46 Adam Never got molested or anything?

36:48 Caller No.

36:49 Adam No. Okay. What's your question?

36:53 Caller Okay. I'm a little nervous. I had a question about masturbation. I've done it for a while and sometimes like up to four times a day. And I started since like, what, fifth grade.

37:07 Fifth grade?

37:08 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce She was what, 10 or 11 at the time?

37:10 Adam Yeah.

37:11 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Were you having orgasms at that time?

37:15 Caller Yeah.

37:15 Adam In the fifth grade, really?

37:17 Caller Yeah.

37:17 Adam Wow. Seriously, Christina, no one ever monkeyed with you at all?

37:23 Caller No.

37:23 Adam No?

37:24 Caller I just had like, what, one boyfriend, but-

37:27 Adam Hey, Christina.

37:28 Caller Yeah?

37:29 Adam I know it's fun to show and everything, but you can't use the F word.

37:31 Caller Oh my gosh, I totally forgot.

37:33 Adam That's all right.

37:33 Caller So nobody, boyfriend in kindergarten, how about that? Anything happened back then?

37:37 Caller No.

37:37 Caller When you were a little kid?

37:38 Adam Where's your dad?

37:38 Caller They were very strict.

37:39 Adam Is your dad a good guy?

37:41 Caller Yeah, I'm not really close to him, though.

37:43 Adam Uh-oh. Why not?

37:45 Caller Because they're strict and I can't be close to them. I can't tell them stuff.

37:49 Adam All right. So you're sort of turning that closeness on yourself. You're doing a lot of masturbation. So what's the question?

37:57 Caller Well, I have a boyfriend now.

37:58 Adam Oh, you do?

37:59 Caller Really good.

37:59 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Do you still masturbate? Do you have sex with your boyfriend?

38:03 Caller No, not yet. That would be illegal.

38:07 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Well, you're 18. It's not illegal.

38:08 Caller No, he's 16.

38:09 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Oh.

38:10 Adam Wow. Yeah. So why are you going out with a 16-year-old, 18?

38:15 Caller Hey, I didn't find out his age until, well, not until after. Well, after I knew him, I knew his age.

38:21 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Are you still in high school?

38:23 Caller No.

38:23 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Oh, you're fat.

38:24 Caller I'm a freshman in college.

38:25 Adam Okay. Hey, listen, Christina?

38:27 Caller Yes?

38:28 Adam So what's the question? You want to slow down on the masturbation?

38:31 Caller No, no.

38:32 Caller There are no physical complications to that, so you don't have to worry about infertility, whatever else.

38:36 Caller I will think about infertility problems later on in the future because I use different things.

38:41 Adam And I heard you talk about, like, you know, you're not using, like, a rose bush or anything, are you?

38:49 Caller I mean, I use lots of different kinds of things.

38:51 Adam Like, what are you using?

38:52 Caller The toolkit. What? Seriously? No, seriously, like what?

38:56 Caller My whole makeup bag.

38:59 Adam You get the whole makeup bag in there?

39:00 Caller Wow.

39:03 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Don't you have, don't you have, like, a specific device for that?

39:06 Caller Usually, like, my lotion bottle sometimes. And then, like, I, like, use a banana and, like, a carrot and.

39:13 Adam Hey, but let me ask you something here.

39:16 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce You should really invest in a vibrator.

39:18 Adam Oh, yeah. Hey, MacGyver.

39:19 Caller Yeah.

39:20 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce The MacGyver.

39:22 Adam Listen, you're not, you know, it's not like the plane went down and you got to fashion a radio out of junk in the cargo bin or something. Right. Go down, buy your, drop down $10, get at the Army Surplus store, for Christ's sake, get yourself a vibrator and use it. I mean, dedicate something to your vagina. And it's not just whatever's closest to the bed. So I got the reading lamp up there, the Bible the next day, the TV remote. You know, don't you just, you have a little consistency.

39:48 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Right.

39:48 Caller Well, it's like, it's different the way it feels. It's not just like...

39:52 Adam All right. Hey, Christine, are you sure, you sure no one did anything weird to you? No, nobody from the church when you were six or anything? Seriously.

40:02 Caller No, I mean, they're just...

40:02 Adam Come on, tell us...

40:03 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Do you have an older brother?

40:05 Caller No, I don't have an email. Well, my dad's here. I have male cousins.

40:11 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce When did your dad rape you?

40:12 Caller No, no.

40:13 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce So you're not close to men pretty much at all, and you and your dad don't get along?

40:18 Caller Me and my dad don't get along. It's just... And my mom, we definitely don't get along. I'm sick of girls. I'm...

40:26 Adam Me too. Christina.

40:28 Caller Hi.

40:28 Adam Listen, we gotta take a little break.

40:29 Caller Yes, I understand.

40:31 Adam Get a little... Read a few books. Get a little therapy. And let's say limit the variety of things you put in your crotch to, let's say, 25 different objects. Well, you know the way we'll choose all those. But, you know, don't just grab whatever's closest. You can kind of like stuff the cat up there one day by mistake.

40:49 Caller You know, with little kids, they design the toy so things don't break off. And with other household objects, they don't have masturbation in mind.

40:55 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Yeah, go online. And I don't know. But if you go through your browser and find this out, and there's an actual list, an actual list of things that doctors have removed from vaginas. And when you see that list and you see some of the things that you've put up your thing and then that they get stuck, you're going to realize that you should probably be using something that's intended for that so that you don't hurt yourself.

41:20 Adam Bruce, you've removed a thing or two from an anus, haven't you?

41:25 Caller Yeah, foreign objects.

41:26 Adam When we come back, Dr. Bruce will share with us what he's removed from an anus. Okay, Bruce?

41:32 Caller I will be glad to share.

41:33 Adam Comedian Carlos Mencia is here with us tonight and we'll take a little break. We'll come back.

41:40 Caller What the f**k? Loveline will be right back.

42:12 Adam It's the Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Bruce over there, filling in for Dr. Drew. Dr. Bruce is a board certified physician. He specializes in addiction medicine and also emergency medicine, so he's more than qualified.

42:28 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce And booty object removal.

42:31 Adam Oh, that's right. Yeah, we do want to find out. By the way, Carlos Mencia is our guest tonight. He is a stand-up comedian. You can find him at the Ice House all weekend this weekend in Aspen. He's got a CD coming out, English and Spanish, a TV show. And as far as I can tell, he's ripe to die in a plane crash, because things are really going well for him.

42:53 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Dude, that is so funny, because yeah, I think I've always thought, except for recently with Ricky Martin and Jennifer Lopez and Christine Aguilera, before 1999, I had a theory that there was like, God was pissed at Hispanics or something, because anytime we got near, like, you know what I mean? Selena gets shot, Freddie Prinze gets shot, Richie Valens goes down on a plane, Raul Julia gets cancer, you know what I mean? It's like, it's all tragic, man.

43:23 Adam Yeah, they fight to get one Mexican into show business, they last for six months, and then some God strikes them down.

43:29 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Yeah, exactly.

43:30 Adam Although, it's not like Freddie Prinze was in the back of a convertible waving to a bunch of Texans when someone took him out. I mean, he had a small hand in that one.

43:39 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Just a little.

43:40 Adam Looking good. All right.

43:43 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce That's a poor guy, man.

43:44 Adam Not looking so good.

43:45 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce You know what though, you know what it's like. You know what people don't understand, and you know what? I'm an average, everyday guy, and I don't feel sorry for Kurt Cobain and nothing like that. But people don't understand the pressures. Let's say all the stuff that you're doing. People don't understand the outside pressures that are upon you. How much money you're generating and how much responsibility you have. You know, some people, some people can't handle that. You know what I mean?

44:11 Adam Yeah, it's the kind of thing where, you know, speaking personally, I have a good job, I enjoy myself, everything's great. But in my old job, if I got up in the morning, I didn't feel so good, I'd pick up the phone and say I'm not going to be there. The guy would say fine.

44:26 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Right.

44:26 Adam And he'd hang up the phone.

44:27 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Right.

44:28 Adam And everyone would go back to work.

44:29 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Right.

44:29 Adam Now, you know that if you're booked to do stand-up or you're doing a presentation or you're going to Aspen for the comedy festival, you got a live radio show to do that night, whatever, you can't just say, You can't. I ain't going to make it. And that does weigh on you just a little bit. Now, Bruce.

44:44 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce And you have to be good.

44:45 Adam Well, I don't put that kind of pressure on myself.

44:47 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce No, but I mean, you know, like, I've been doing comedy for 12 years, all right? I work at least every year, 48 weeks a year, you know, and a lot most of it on the road. Right.

44:58 Adam And Honduras picking picking tobacco for his uncle's farm.

45:01 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Being the meal for my uncle. He gave me a whole new perspective on that, man.

45:06 Adam Bringing heroin back over the border. Sure. He's a working man. And he does three or four stand up gigs. So on top of that.

45:13 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce This is the first time. This year, in West Palm Beach, Florida, by the way, and I want to apologize because I know you guys are there for everybody that was going to go see me and I couldn't. I got like sick. But it's the first time I've ever canceled the gig ever since I started doing comedy. And I felt really bad about it. And then when I spoke to the gentleman, you know, of the club, he's like, next time you come in, our deal is going to be different because I lost like three to $10,000.

45:43 Adam Wow.

45:43 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Just because you canceled.

45:45 Adam Yeah.

45:45 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce You know, and it's like you feel bad. You're like, oh my god, you know, like that's like that's not a lot of money either.

45:53 Adam I'm reading between the lines. Enjoy Carlos before he kills him. Mary, you're 25.

46:02 Caller Yep. How's it going?

46:03 Adam Or the leader of his fan club breaks a twig and goes after him. Well, Mary, get your question out. So you're always cheated on your boyfriends.

46:13 Caller Yeah.

46:13 Adam Now you're married.

46:14 Caller Yes.

46:14 Adam And you've lost your sex drive.

46:16 Caller I have lost my sex drive completely.

46:18 Adam All right. So you're either sort of hypersexual or you close up vaginal shock, right?

46:24 Caller Yes.

46:25 Adam All right. Now, was your childhood okay? Because that usually means something.

46:29 Caller Yeah. I mean, I thought a lot. Yeah, no, nothing.

46:32 Adam Nothing. All right. So knock it off or get it together. Are you torturing your poor husband by explaining to him what a slut you were in your earlier days?

46:42 Caller He knows. Well, we've been married for six months, but we dated for two years.

46:46 At the beginning of it, it was pure sex.

46:49 Caller It was great.

46:50 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce But did you cheat on him when you guys were boyfriend and girlfriend?

46:53 Adam No.

46:53 Caller And when I met him, I knew that he was the one. I knew I wanted to be with him.

46:57 Adam All right. How often are you having sex with him?

47:01 Caller It's in the past six months. It's been infrequent. I'd say once a month.

47:05 Adam Unacceptable.

47:06 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Once a month?

47:07 Caller Well, except for our honeymoon.

47:08 Adam Is there something he's not doing for you? Are you mad at him?

47:11 Caller No.

47:11 Caller No, not at all. It's gotten worse.

47:13 Caller In the beginning of the...

47:14 Caller We've been together for two and a half years now.

47:16 Caller But, okay, look at how you're using sex and look at what sex can be and what it was. When you're in a relationship and you're cheating and having sex with other people, you know, this is not something that's related to intimacy. It's related to...

47:31 Caller Desire?

47:32 Caller No, I mean, there's anger, there's aggression. There are a lot of things going on there when you're doing that. And when you get married and you're committing to one person and then you're expecting the sex to be part of a committed relationship, where's the transition there? You weren't doing it, you never were doing that. So why is it going to translate into the marriage?

47:52 Adam Hey, Mary? Yeah. Here's our prom.

47:55 Caller Therapy.

47:55 Adam I got to jump to a break again. I ran too long on my last one. This is an issue, the hypersexuality and now the sexual dormancy.

48:04 Caller I just want to have sex again.

48:05 Adam All right, then you got to get in some therapy and you got to work some issues out, because there's something motivating this, okay?

48:11 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Yeah, because you're basically relating sex to non-intimacy, and intimacy and love doesn't equate to sex. So sex is like a dirty kind of freaky thing that you do, and you don't want to do that with your husband because you love him. So you're going to have to like restructure the way you look at sex in order to make it, you know, applicable to the way you love.

48:30 Adam Read a book, get some therapy, and just hold still once a week and let them climb on. All right, we'll take ourselves a little break. We'll be right back.

48:37 Caller Let's have some more fun.

48:39 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Okay, let's do it. Call Loveline 1-800-LOVE-191. Loveline will be right back.

49:19 Adam It's Loveline. We're going to take a quick 10-second timeout. We'll be back with more of the show in just 10 seconds.

49:41 Adam It's Loveline, I'm Adam Corolla, it's Dr. Bruce. Dr. Bruce is a board certified physician, knows all the stuff Drew knows. Phone number, 1-800-L-F-E-E-1-9-1, Snoop Dogg will be in here tomorrow night. Tonight, Carlos Mencia is our guest. He's been on Tonight Show, done Comic Relief. You can find him at the Ice House in Pasadena. Coming up Friday and Saturday of this weekend. Also, he's gonna do the Aspen Comedy Festival, and got a CD coming out, a TV show, and plenty of irons in the fire, as they say. Dr. Bruce, we want to find out what you've pulled out of someone's ass, because Dr. Bruce works in the ER. He does not look like George Clooney, but he's more qualified to work in the ER.

50:28 Caller You'd rather have me than George pulling something out of your butt.

50:30 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce There is an actor, though, that you look like, but I don't know the guy's name, and I don't remember what he's been on, but hopefully by the end of the show, I'll remember. But you do look like, there's an actor guy that has red hair that you look like.

50:41 Caller Uh-oh. The guy in Mad Magazine I've been accused of looking like.

50:44 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce I don't know about that one.

50:46 Adam Mr. Haney from Green Acres. Who had that general store over on the Green Acres? Yeah. All right. The point is he's working the front lines, and when someone gets something stuck in their ass, they go to the ER, right? I mean, they don't wait to see their physician or anything.

51:06 Caller Great PR for emergency medicine. What do we think of? We think of foreign bodies in the butt.

51:10 Adam Right. Now, what have you? I'm not interested in what your colleagues have pulled out or what you've read about or what you've heard about second hand. I want to know what you've pulled out or where you've been when something was being pulled out.

51:25 Caller Okay. Well, you know, a nice story is the two gentlemen that were, they liked to play with plaster of Paris and they found that it was malleable and would form very interesting objects. But once they accidentally bought rapid setting plaster of Paris and the object once inserted would not return.

51:48 Adam So they actually poured it.

51:49 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce So it got stuck to the wall?

51:51 Adam Down there when it was in a liquid shape and it sort of bowled out.

51:54 Caller Well, you're a construction person. I assume this is something that you can get into a clay-like consistency and push it in in a semi-solid state and if it doesn't settle.

52:05 Adam Yeah, if you're dealing with something, they have something called fix-all, for instance. It dries hard as concrete. And you can sort of work with it for about ten minutes. But then once it hardens, it goes quick. It takes about a minute to rock hard. And then once it's hardened, it's like having a block of concrete.

52:21 Caller Right. So there's some sort of pushing that made the end inside bigger than the orifice.

52:26 Adam Right.

52:27 Caller And it wouldn't come out.

52:28 Adam And what did you do?

52:31 Caller Called the surgeons. You know, we don't want to.

52:33 Adam And what did they do?

52:35 Caller You know, I don't recall. It sounds like something I'd be just curious about and find out.

52:40 Adam And what else have you yanked on someone's ass?

52:42 Caller Oh, you know, one poor guy is a truck driver. And pick up my first chart after a nice long weekend. And it says sore throat. Go talk to the guy. And he's three weeks away from his wife. He picked up a hooker at the truck stop. And they both got drunk and she insisted on a California cooler bottle on his butt. And it popped up there. And all the way in? All the way in. You know, I don't know if they still make us up. You know, the outline of the bottle is very characteristic. So I got a plain film of the abdomen. And for the residents, you pop it up on the screen and you say, I need to.

53:14 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce It's like a movie. It's got like the little linemen and everything.

53:16 Caller A picture is worth a thousand words.

53:18 Adam And how do you get that out?

53:20 Caller You know, there was... Well, if you put somebody under anesthesia, then the rectum is... You can get a lot more volume of hand up there.

53:29 Adam Did you get your hand up there?

53:30 Caller Well, I tried with my gloved hand, but spasm and immediate contraction, there's no way it was gonna work. So then you call surgery, they put them under and take them up to the operating room.

53:40 Adam What do they do? Reach in?

53:41 Caller Reach in and yank it out. I guess. I tell you the truth. I didn't follow up on that one either.

53:47 Adam That's some kind of ambitious hooker. You know what I mean?

53:50 Caller Well, the true story, you never really know. I mean, that was pretty plausible.

53:53 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce That had to be his idea. Come on. I mean, I don't know, you know. What kind of a hooker? I'm paying you. What do you mean you want me to stick this up my ass? What's wrong with you? You know what I mean? That doesn't fit in the contract. I'm the one paying here.

54:09 Adam Right. That's like you bring your car to the car wash and the guy says he begs you to do an oil change for free while you're doing it. It's like, why is he going the extra mile?

54:18 Caller This guy is paying three times. He paid the hooker, he paid the hospital and when he got back to Illinois where he's from, I'm sure he paid his wife.

54:24 Adam Paid the Fiddler. Oh man. Wine cooler. And by the way, if I was going to have a bottle up my rectum, I'd prefer it to be a masculine bottle, you know, like King Cobra or something, not a wine cooler.

54:38 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce How about a Quaker State Oil Bottle?

54:40 Caller Quaker State Oil Bottle.

54:41 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce A 40-ounce bottle.

54:42 Adam Maybe like a Pamp's Tall Boy or something. Michael?

54:46 Caller Yes.

54:47 Adam You're 19, yes.

54:49 Caller Yes. I'm dating a 37-year-old woman who, she lives in Eastern Kentucky and I live in Western. And she's come out here to visit me quite often in the past eight months. And I've managed to always keep, you know, keep it from my parents what she's, you know, how old she is.

55:13 Adam Are you living at home?

55:15 Caller Yeah.

55:16 Adam Uh-huh. And how did you meet her?

55:19 Caller On the Internet.

55:20 Adam And what's up with her? What's wrong with her? She's 37. She just got divorced.

55:25 Caller Well, I've, I responded to a personal ad that she had up. She's been divorced for about three years.

55:32 Adam Right. Old and stupid. Looking for a young Kentuckyan companion to have sex without any questions asked. Are you guys falling in love?

55:42 Caller We've been in love for several months.

55:44 Adam Yeah. Let me explain a syndrome that I'm well aware of from doing this show, Michael. A lot of women, they get married. It's a long marriage. It's a bad marriage. And then they get out of it and they don't want to be with a guy they could marry again. They want to have sex. They want to have fun. But they don't want to be with someone they could potentially marry again. So they get a really young guy. And then you can't get married because it's like I'm 37. You're 19. It would never work out. And there's that built in obstacle. It's this is the equivalent to the women, by the way, who date only guys who are married. They could never marry him. And they know it on some level. I bet her marriage was a crappy one. Has she told you anything about that?

56:29 Caller Yes. She was married to the guy for 13 years. And pretty much the whole time he didn't treat her too well. They married right out of...

56:39 Adam Perfect. Just what I said. Married for a long time, married young, and the guy was abusive or not good. Now she's going to be in a relationship that she can't really totally commit to. Meanwhile, you're getting all caught up in it.

56:52 Caller Is this your first serious relationship?

56:55 Caller No. I was engaged last winter.

57:01 Caller There are things that are not going to happen to a 70-year-old dating this person. You're developmental things and learning things. You're really sabotaging your future. Because as Adam is saying, this is not going to go anywhere. This is not going to end up a committed life partner.

57:18 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce It's not healthy. What you're doing is not healthy. She doesn't really love you because she can't. Just the fact that she chose you to be a partner and you can't commit. And she can't commit on purpose goes to show you the state of mind that she's in. You know what I mean? And she can say I love you and you can feel that and what not. But it's not real. It's pretend. You know, she's faking it. She's using you basically. She's fulfilling something that she needs with you. And you probably like the sex and you dig that she's old and she's all that. You know, but it's not right.

57:52 Adam She's having a non-threatening relationship. Does she have kids?

57:56 Caller Yeah.

57:56 Adam Yeah. How many?

57:58 Caller Two. How old?

58:00 Caller Eight and sixteen.

58:02 Adam So she's...

58:03 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce So her sixteen year old son is three years younger.

58:05 Caller Her sixteen year old daughter.

58:07 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Yeah. Is like basically could be your girlfriend easily.

58:10 Adam Maybe you could get her.

58:11 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Yeah.

58:11 Adam Hey, Michael. Uh-huh. Listen, what's up with you? You're engaged when you're eighteen, you broke that off. You met some old chick over the Internet. She got a couple of kids. She lives across state. Hey, you know, can you just get a job and move out of the house and date nineteen year olds?

58:28 Caller Well, the problem is, I'm waiting for a call back for a tech support job.

58:33 Adam Yeah.

58:35 Caller Where I'm going to be moving in about a month and a half.

58:38 Adam All right. Hey, Michael.

58:40 Caller Uh-huh.

58:40 Adam Listen, I don't think we're going to talk you out of anything. Do not get her pregnant. And then one day you'll realize what this all meant. All right?

58:49 Dr. Bruce Okay.

58:49 Adam I'm not going to try to give you an advice. Just don't knock her up and keep an eye on her. It's always the same case, though. Married for 15 years, married too young, abusive husband. Now I'm going out with a kid who's way too young.

59:01 Caller Listen to the little voice. I'm sure he's got one that's saying there's something wrong with this.

59:05 Adam Clayton?

59:06 Caller Yeah.

59:06 Adam Year 19. What's up?

59:08 Caller I got a buddy that I've been his friend for like two or three years because I just moved here. But me and my other friends kind of think he might be gay. There's some things he's done we caught him doing, but I don't really know how to approach him.

59:25 Adam What do you caught him doing?

59:26 Caller Well...

59:27 Adam Like he was blowing this guy?

59:28 Caller No, nothing like that.

59:29 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Was he blowing you?

59:31 Caller Well, maybe on the side.

59:32 Adam You're gay. Drew, please.

59:35 Caller No, we were, I think it was like last Saturday. I'm pretty sure it was last Saturday. We were watching Predator and we just got back from a party. He said, we're all pretty drunk. And I kind of know where he gets up so we think he's puking. The guy who lives there kind of followed him in the bathroom. He's jacking off and then, I don't know, we're all just kind of like, whoa, bro.

59:57 Adam Wow, listen, I can only look at Schwarzenegger so long with his shirt off before I got to head into the bathroom myself. That's healthy. There's nothing wrong with that. That's a man.

1:00:07 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce He wasn't staring at you guys while he was doing this, was he? I mean, he was like, out back by himself.

1:00:12 Caller We kind of, well, not caught him, but we kind of, like, I've passed out over his house a couple times.

1:00:17 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Right.

1:00:18 Caller And, I don't know, sometimes he just looks a little too hard.

1:00:21 Caller Okay, look, by 19, you should be sort of leaving this peer group type of stuff and moving out and developing your own life. And I'm not sure what the concern is.

1:00:30 Adam Oh, listen, if the guy gives you the creeps, don't hang out with him.

1:00:33 Caller Yeah, he doesn't, no, he's a good friend of mine.

1:00:35 Adam All right, well then shut up. Relax.

1:00:38 Caller The guy just, confront him.

1:00:39 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Like, jerked off. Big deal.

1:00:40 Caller Yeah.

1:00:42 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Are you gay? What are you talking about? I was jerking off.

1:00:45 Adam Yeah.

1:00:45 Caller Enmeshed in KI.

1:00:47 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce What is that?

1:00:49 Adam I am a ripped tailor if whacking off makes you gay.

1:00:52 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Right?

1:00:52 Adam Because, I mean, I have it myself on a constant basis. I squeezed one off before I came into work tonight.

1:01:00 Caller Oh, you're gay. You're gay. You're homo.

1:01:02 Adam Where's the Drew Drops? Thank you.

1:01:03 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce You're homo.

1:01:04 Caller Drew knows.

1:01:05 Adam You're gay. Thank you, Drew.

1:01:06 Caller I bet these guys started drinking heavily when they were 13 or 14, when the peer group is the big thing and they never grew out of it.

1:01:12 Adam All right. Who cares?

1:01:13 Caller Crystal? This is good insight.

1:01:15 Caller Yeah.

1:01:15 Adam You're 20. Yeah, that was solid.

1:01:17 Caller Hey, guys.

1:01:18 Adam What's up? Your boyfriend's in jail.

1:01:20 Caller Yeah, he is now.

1:01:22 Caller For what?

1:01:23 Caller Selling drugs.

1:01:24 Caller Oh.

1:01:25 Adam Uh-huh. And he wants you to move in with his family?

1:01:29 Caller He wants me to move in with his grandparents.

1:01:32 Adam Uh-huh. So they can keep an eye on you?

1:01:35 Caller Kind of, yeah.

1:01:35 Adam So you're not out slutting around while he's in the pokey?

1:01:38 Caller No, no.

1:01:39 Adam Yeah.

1:01:40 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Are you guys married or he's your boyfriend?

1:01:41 Caller Do what now?

1:01:42 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Are you married or is he your boyfriend?

1:01:44 Caller He's just my boyfriend.

1:01:45 Adam Uh-huh. And when does he get paroled?

1:01:49 Caller Um, he hasn't even been sentenced yet, but he's looking at 2 to 5.

1:01:53 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce 2 to 5?

1:01:54 Adam Yeah.

1:01:55 Caller How quickly can you get away from him?

1:01:56 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Do you guys have kids, by the way? Do you guys have kids?

1:01:59 Caller No, no, no, no. I'm not that dumb.

1:02:00 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Step off. Just jam. Leave. Run. Do like Forrest Gump and just get your ass out. Seriously.

1:02:05 Adam Oh, yeah. Well, three and a half years will pass in the blink of an eye. I remember what it was like being 20.

1:02:11 Dr. Bruce Oh, yeah. Sure.

1:02:12 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Come on.

1:02:12 Caller Like, he used to be a really nice guy, you know?

1:02:16 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Yeah. Well, you know what? Look, you don't even have to go on any further. Think of what you said. He used to be a really nice guy. That means he's not anymore. Just move on. I mean, you can say all this stuff and come in and out. And you know what I mean? And you're going to start making up excuses for the guy and saying, well, you don't understand. But the reality is, you know, that you're supposed to get out.

1:02:38 Caller You've got a victim painted on you somewhere. He's got control issues. He didn't. He wasn't a nice guy. He had a veneer and the veneers weren't thin.

1:02:46 Adam And you know, you want to move in with his with his grandparents so they can keep an eye on you, do you?

1:02:51 Caller No, no, I don't.

1:02:52 Adam All right.

1:02:52 Caller So are you afraid to break it off or?

1:02:55 Adam What are you doing? Are you are you taking care of yourself?

1:02:58 Caller Yeah, I'm almost done with school.

1:03:01 Adam Almost done with school.

1:03:03 Caller Did you say you're afraid to do this or not?

1:03:04 Adam What school? Ninth grade?

1:03:06 Caller Shut up. I'm just about out of college.

1:03:08 Adam Junior college, come on.

1:03:10 Caller Beauty college, even better.

1:03:11 Adam Oh, better. They shouldn't. Why? They're so liberal with the use of the word college. You know, I go to bartending college. Right. You know, I go to beauty college. Oh, hold on. You are sitting there coloring wigs on a styrofoam head should not have college.

1:03:25 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Should not be university.

1:03:26 Adam Put at the end of it. How's the football team this year? Listen, you graduate that beauty college, you get yourself a job at a salon, and you talk to all the other bitter women about what you hate about men while you chew gum. And eventually a nice guy comes in there, he drops off a UPS package, you hear harp music, and you guys get married. You don't wait for this guy to get out of prison.

1:03:48 Caller Did she say she was afraid to get out of it?

1:03:50 Adam Well, I'm sure she is, but the guy's in, the guy's in, so what are you going to do?

1:03:54 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce The quicker you get out, the better it will be for you.

1:03:56 Adam Don't stretch it out.

1:03:58 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Don't like wait till he's like six months to go, and then he's really going to be pissed and he's going to snap at you.

1:04:03 Adam You don't want to dump the guy two days before they let him out on the street.

1:04:06 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Exactly.

1:04:07 Adam So he's coming to your house.

1:04:08 Caller And I think to make it clear, it's not because this guy's in prison. Being in prison is not the problem. It sounds like he's very controlling and he's manipulative.

1:04:15 Adam Well, being in prison is a factor.

1:04:17 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce But yeah, yeah, exactly. I mean, come on, you know. You're not in there for no reason.

1:04:22 Adam Jake, you're 16. I'm sure he has priors if he's in there, three to five. Oh, yeah, hey. What's up?

1:04:27 Caller I don't know. Something weird. OK, my left testicle this morning.

1:04:30 Caller It started throbbing.

1:04:32 Adam Yeah.

1:04:32 Caller And like it doesn't like every five minutes. I'll just feel like a sudden just jolt of pain.

1:04:37 Adam Starting this morning.

1:04:38 Caller Yeah, it started like at 11 o'clock while I was at school.

1:04:41 Caller Where do you live?

1:04:43 Caller San Francisco.

1:04:43 Caller Where's the nearest emergency room? Seriously.

1:04:47 Adam Really?

1:04:47 Caller Yeah. Why?

1:04:48 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce What is this? I had a friend who played soccer who lost one.

1:04:51 Caller Right.

1:04:52 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Because they twisted.

1:04:53 Adam Torsion.

1:04:54 Caller Right.

1:04:55 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce I don't know what it's called, but to the point where they actually had to like remove his testicle. And that could happen.

1:05:01 Caller Absolutely.

1:05:02 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce And all he did was he was just running around. You know, what we'd been doing since we were kids. And one day just the wrong thing went the wrong way and circumstances. And he ended up in the hospital.

1:05:10 Caller Right. So what are you about 18 hours out from the first symptom?

1:05:14 Caller See, 11 o'clock this morning. I don't know.

1:05:16 Caller Oh, 12 hours out. So you're at the point where you have a significant chance of if it's...

1:05:21 Caller It's not like severe pain. It's just like a sudden jolt like every five minutes.

1:05:26 Caller It doesn't matter. The situation is certain individuals, the support mechanism for the testicle is not what it should be and the thing twists. And you've got arteries going down into the testicle and when you twist it, the blood supply gets compromised. It stops supplying blood there and so it can go in twist and untwist. It can do all kinds of things. You just can't tell without you get a simple scan. It's like an ultrasound. It tells you if the blood flow is normal. They'll check your analysis.

1:05:57 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Listen, it's really simple.

1:05:58 Caller You don't even get the finger up the button.

1:06:00 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce If you go to the doctor and there's nothing wrong, it's no big deal. But if you don't go to the doctor and there's something wrong, you might lose your nut. Do you understand? It's that how simple. So get your ass and go to the doctor.

1:06:12 Caller This is not a wait till the morning thing because percentage-wise, you get up probably close to 80%, 90%, you're going to lose it.

1:06:20 Adam Get in there. Maria, you're 27. What's up? You're in love with a 16-year-old.

1:06:26 Dr. Bruce This is true.

1:06:27 Adam Oh, boy.

1:06:28 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Are you going to make a movie about you marry Joe Laterno too or something?

1:06:32 Adam You one of those whacked out divorces?

1:06:35 Dr. Bruce No, I've never been married.

1:06:37 Adam How did you fall in love with a 16-year-old?

1:06:39 Dr. Bruce That's a complicated situation. Like, it just had happened over a long time. We've known him for about two and a half years.

1:06:47 Adam Oh, well, I see.

1:06:48 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce So you started to fall in love with this guy when he was 15?

1:06:51 Caller Were you babysitting him?

1:06:53 Dr. Bruce I was never babysitting. We worked together. We worked together.

1:06:56 Adam Oh, you worked together.

1:06:57 Dr. Bruce Yes. And so we were sort of on the same level as far as, like, you know...

1:07:02 Adam Hold on a second. Hold on one second. By the way, it's a bad sign when you're working with, like, a 13, 14-year-old, you know.

1:07:12 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce On the same level.

1:07:13 Adam And you ain't his boss.

1:07:15 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Yeah, right?

1:07:16 Adam He's coming into the break room going, put that cigarette out. It's time to get back on the clock. Hey, time to lean, time to clean. Come on, let's get back into it.

1:07:24 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce That's wrong.

1:07:25 Adam All right. Hey, Maria. Yeah. Let me float a theory here because I got to figure this one out.

1:07:30 Dr. Bruce All right.

1:07:31 Adam I'm going with... How overweight are you?

1:07:33 Dr. Bruce Oh, I knew you were going to go there.

1:07:35 Adam Yeah.

1:07:35 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Are you?

1:07:36 Dr. Bruce No, I'm not, really.

1:07:38 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce How much do you weigh? How tall are you?

1:07:39 Adam I'll be the judge of that. Go ahead.

1:07:40 Dr. Bruce I'm 5'4 and I weigh 160.

1:07:43 Adam You're overweight.

1:07:45 Dr. Bruce But I'm also a snowboarder and I'm pretty athletic.

1:07:49 Adam Listen, people are getting out of the way too. You're fat. Drew, please. Let me do the radio math.

1:07:54 Dr. Bruce Let me hear Drew.

1:07:55 Adam Let me do... quiet down here.

1:07:57 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce He already told you, you're fat.

1:07:58 Adam Quiet down, you pedophile. Let me do the math here. 5'4, 160. I'm doing the radio math, by the way. 36D. Oh, slow down. Let me figure it out.

1:08:07 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce 36D.

1:08:09 Adam All right. I got 5'1 and 3'4, 179. Okay.

1:08:16 Caller I've got an enmeshed down.

1:08:17 Dr. Bruce I'm a beautiful person inside and out.

1:08:21 Adam I'm sure. Listen, listen. No, I'm not trying to make funny. I'm just trying to figure out why you're wasting your time with a 16-year-old.

1:08:27 Dr. Bruce Maybe that's part of what I'm calling is like I don't feel like I'm wasting my time. I'm sort of living in the present. Like, okay, we're enjoying each other. We have a great time together.

1:08:36 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce How could you though? Seriously. I mean, I know what it's like to be 27 and what it's like to be 16. And there is no way that a grown woman at the age of 27 can mentally be on the same level as a 16-year-old boy.

1:08:51 Adam Especially when they're more mature. Were you overweight, more overweight in high school or something?

1:08:56 Dr. Bruce No, I would say that I was definitely sheltered. I definitely grew up late, and he is definitely someone who has had more things happen to him in his younger life.

1:09:08 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce It still doesn't make up for 11 years, man. That is huge, huge.

1:09:12 Adam Even if we went to Honduras and Sotomayor to see this teacher, it's still no excuse.

1:09:15 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce It's still wrong, man.

1:09:17 Caller Maria, there's nothing...

1:09:19 Dr. Bruce It is wrong by legal standards.

1:09:20 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce No, no, no, no. I'm not talking about legally. I'm talking about...

1:09:23 Adam Emotionally, it's wrong.

1:09:24 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Emotionally, what you're doing is wrong. It says something about you. This is... You should be introspective. There's something wrong with the way you look at yourself or the way you look at relationships in order for you to do this to yourself because in reality, you're tricking yourself. There's no way that you can have the same conversation with a 16-year-old that you can have with a 25-year-old or a 27- or a 30-year-old man. And if you believe that, you're totally kidding yourself and you're totally lying to yourself.

1:09:51 Caller But you know, you can talk to...

1:09:52 Adam You're gonna screw him up, too. Go ahead.

1:09:54 Caller You can talk to her. You're blue in the face. She's not gonna understand that now. But Maria, I have a... Is she on there?

1:09:59 Adam Go ahead, goofball.

1:10:00 Caller I have a proposition for you. What about going to a council or a therapist and spending some time... Because what you don't have here is insight. There's something we're seeing that you're not seeing because you're emotionally enmeshed with this guy and you're seeing the complimentary aspects of your going out with him. But what about going to somebody and giving it a period of, say, three or six months where, you know, therapy isn't just laying there and talking about dreams. It's looking at things that you might not intuitively see just off the bat.

1:10:30 Adam All right. Do that and see if you're going to arrive at something other than what you've arrived at.

1:10:35 You're overweight.

1:10:36 Adam She's fat. Hey, let me hear, by the way, you know, I hate to say it, but I miss Drew. It's easy when Bruce is filling in. I'd miss, you know, Hitler's cousin if Bruce stays here another night. Hey Anderson, let's hear the Drew Boogie, because it's been a little while and I do miss it.

1:11:18 I was born, so I had anal sect.

1:11:21 Still a virgin, tried to be straight, or I thought I should be straight, and I was confused.

1:11:25 Dr. Bruce Pardon me.

1:11:26 You know, peon this makes me sick. Hurts when I urinate.

1:11:30 Caller Makes me sick.

1:11:31 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Anal sect makes me sick.

1:11:34 This guy's penis makes me sick.

1:11:38 Caller Got these lesions.

1:11:39 Caller Gee, it hurts. Still a virgin.

1:11:41 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Makes me sick.

1:11:43 It's called intimacy.

1:11:45 You're fat.

1:11:46 Caller You're gay.

1:11:47 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Confused.

1:11:48 Caller You're sick.

1:11:49 Caller You're overweight.

1:11:51 Caller You're still a virgin.

1:11:53 Caller Not acceptable.

1:11:54 Caller Dr. Drew was right.

1:11:57 Adam I tell you, it never gets old. It never, never gets old.

1:12:00 Caller Broken new ground in medicine. I wish I had one of those.

1:12:03 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce He's gotten so good though. I mean, I remember when the show was on K-Rock like long time ago and, you know, it was like it was stumbling on itself. You know what I mean? They get freaky calls. They didn't know how to screen out the guys who were calling in. You know what I mean? Like now, you're so good at knowing the BS call. You know what I mean? You like know the right questions to ask and right when they stumble, you're like, eh, dick, and you hang up. You know what I'm saying? But Drew's like so, you know, he's gotten so good at just like telling people, like they'll say, you know, I'm calling. You're gay, dude. You're gay. You know, he's just like so good on that.

1:12:40 Adam Yeah, he's got a nose. He's got a nose like a bloodhound. Yes, he is good. And Bruce is getting better, I might say.

1:12:48 Faggot better run.

1:12:50 Adam 15 years. He doesn't like the gays, though. I'll say that for Drew. All right, we're going to take ourselves a little break. Carlos Mencia is our guest tonight, Sam Comedian. We'll talk to Elizabeth when we come back. Who's pregnant by best friend's boyfriend. She wants to know if she should leave him alone or try to be with him. Oh, Dilemmas, Dilemmas, 18 years old. We'll be back after this. It's Loveline. I was waiting for that to happen. Dr. Bruce is here, the Jerry Lewis of emergency physicians. Carlos MNC is our guest tonight, very funny stand-up comedian. Done the Tonight Show, son of a bitch. I've never done that. Also done Comic Relief, something else I've never been asked to do. I have performed at the Ice House, but I certainly was not getting paid, and I was not booked an entire weekend over there. It was more open mic variety. But I am going to Aspen.

1:14:27 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce You've got to do some time, though, man. You've got to go up on stage and do some stuff.

1:14:31 Adam No, you know, I've done some stand-up, and I basically suck. I don't want to disappoint anybody, but I just suck.

1:14:43 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce It's kind of hard.

1:14:44 Adam Oh, pretty good on Letterman? Yeah, actually, I was pretty good on Letterman. Thank you.

1:14:48 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce You were really funny on that, actually. You were.

1:14:50 Adam Oh, well, thanks. Yeah, I was so...

1:14:52 Caller Please welcome Adam Corolla.

1:14:56 Adam I was so funny. I was on a year ago, and no one's asked me back, but now at least I have an excuse. All right, so what the hell are we talking about? Carlos, you can look forward to a CD coming out called Take Joke America, and that'll be in English and Spanish, and it's dedicated to its high school English teacher. Elizabeth?

1:15:19 Caller Yes.

1:15:19 Adam You're 18?

1:15:20 Caller Uh-huh.

1:15:21 Adam So you slept with your best friend's boyfriend.

1:15:23 Caller Yeah.

1:15:25 Adam He got you pregnant.

1:15:26 Caller Uh-huh.

1:15:27 Adam Why is it that if you're going to sleep with him, he didn't use any protection?

1:15:31 Caller Well, we did in the beginning. I've been sleeping with him for a while.

1:15:36 Adam Oh, I see.

1:15:37 Caller And we just stopped.

1:15:40 Adam Why are you sleeping with your best friend's boyfriend?

1:15:44 Caller I don't know.

1:15:44 Caller Doesn't that make him your boyfriend if you're sleeping with him for a while?

1:15:47 Adam Yeah. That bitch is sleeping with your boyfriend.

1:15:51 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce How long had they been going out?

1:15:53 Caller For like two years.

1:15:55 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce And how long have you been having sex with him?

1:15:56 Caller Um.

1:15:57 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Even before?

1:15:57 Caller For about a year now.

1:15:59 Adam Wow. And she's never found out?

1:16:01 Caller Oh, yeah. Now she knows.

1:16:02 Adam Oh, okay. And how is she with that? She mad at you or mad at him?

1:16:06 Um, she's mad at me.

1:16:07 Adam Yeah.

1:16:08 Caller We're not really friends anymore.

1:16:09 Adam I got to find myself one of those women. That's what I love most about.

1:16:12 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Is that not awesome?

1:16:12 Adam Yeah. That's what I love about really stupid women. They go right after the chick. That's what I love most about Springer. There's some skinny black guy, weighs about 115 pounds, sitting between two 400 pound white chicks. And they're going, you leave him alone. The black guy is just leaning back like laughing. And I'm thinking to myself, that's what I want.

1:16:31 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Of course. Think about the situation. I mean, you know, instead of getting mad at the guy and saying, you cheated on me, she goes to her friend and says, You're a whore. I can't believe you did this to me.

1:16:42 Adam Right. And they're still together?

1:16:44 Caller Yeah.

1:16:44 Adam Okay. That is, that is solid.

1:16:46 Caller How are you feeling?

1:16:48 Caller Um, well, I don't know. See, I do want to be with him for some reason.

1:16:54 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Does he want to be with you?

1:16:55 Caller Well, that's what he says.

1:16:57 Adam Well, he's obviously a quality individual. I mean, I could see you wanting to hang on to that gem with both hands.

1:17:03 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Of course, he's a keeper.

1:17:04 Caller How concerned are you as to why you did this? Or is it like, well, no big deal?

1:17:10 Adam Are you just sort of a sociopath?

1:17:13 Caller The biggest concern is how to get him or whether or not. But you know, that really wasn't exactly moral or right or, and consequences of things that are not right or.

1:17:24 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce And she's pregnant, right?

1:17:26 Adam Yeah. Now, how pregnant are you?

1:17:28 Caller Five months.

1:17:29 Adam And so you're having the kid?

1:17:31 Caller Uh-huh.

1:17:31 Adam All right. And what is your plan? Would you, hey, would you do me a favor, Elizabeth?

1:17:36 Caller What?

1:17:36 Adam Would you give that kid up for adoption?

1:17:39 Caller Why?

1:17:39 Adam Why? Because you're an unfit mother. You have a moral compass that is damaged, A, number one. B, number two, there's no father to raise this kid. And C, number three, I'm tired of paying 55% in taxes so I can raise all you idiots.

1:17:54 Caller Oh, I'm not on welfare or nothing like that. I have a job.

1:17:57 Adam Yeah. What are you gonna do with the kid?

1:17:59 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Well, like the kid's not gonna have a father. Is your mom gonna help you raise the kid or something?

1:18:04 Caller Well, yeah, she was.

1:18:05 Caller Well, honestly, is there any inkling of this kid being a magnet to get the guy?

1:18:10 Caller No. All right.

1:18:11 Adam And where's your dad?

1:18:13 Caller My real dad.

1:18:14 Adam Okay. No, the guy from Father Knows Best.

1:18:18 Caller Well, no, I have a stepdad right now.

1:18:21 Adam All right. Where's the real dad?

1:18:23 He's in Arizona.

1:18:24 Adam And you don't have much contact with him?

1:18:26 Caller No.

1:18:26 Adam No. And what a surprise. You're going to have a kid who's not going to know his dad.

1:18:31 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce And who's not going to know his grandfather either.

1:18:33 Caller That's why I wanted to kind of be with him so my kid would have a father.

1:18:39 Adam Yeah. But listen, this ain't going to work, Elizabeth.

1:18:41 Caller The legacy there is not real pretty.

1:18:43 Adam Hey, Elizabeth, please do the courageous thing. Give the kid up for adoption. Do the first responsible move of your life and give the kid up for adoption. Get an education, get a career, start your life. Don't hook up with guys who have girlfriends and see if you can't sort of break this cycle that your family seems to be hell bent on. All right? Okay. Be courageous and do that. Would you please?

1:19:08 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Because if I know this doesn't sound right and I'm telling you, I have 11 sisters and six brothers.

1:19:14 Adam Holy.

1:19:14 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce I have 64 nephews and nieces. And I'm telling you this from experience. If you really love your child, if you really love what's inside, you understand that you're not going to be able to provide what a family of a mother and a father are going to provide. And if you really care about this kid, you know, give it up for adoption, not for any reason, but for the child. And you know what? Hopefully in 20 or 30 years, you'll be on some TV show and your kid will thank you for having done the right thing and they'll love you for it. And then you'll have a relationship with an older sibling or something like that.

1:19:53 Adam I can't believe 11 sisters and 64 nephews. What your dad must be like when you see him. He's like, hey, it's good to see you, Ernesto. Oswaldo, Jose, which one are you?

1:20:05 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce He does that. I swear to God. My mother, she'll go like this, Manuel, you stupid. And then I'll go, Carlos, yeah, whatever. You know what I mean? She'll do that all the time.

1:20:16 Adam Carlos is one of the only guys whose mom calls him dude. Hey, dude.

1:20:23 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce She'll say dude or you.

1:20:24 Adam Hey, mijo. Yeah, exactly. Come here.

1:20:29 Caller How many of them went to Honduras?

1:20:31 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce I was the only one, man. I was the only one that got reamed over there. It was the worst. I mean, it was the coolest experience in the worst at the same time. You have to understand, a city boy, you know what I mean? Growing up here, going over there to where all these other kids knew everything about living there and I knew Jack, you know what I mean? And after like a week, I'm getting infections that I've never heard of, getting bites of animals that I've never even seen in my entire life. Yeah, you know, a tick, like a little tick, for example, you know what I mean? It's the weirdest thing to one day go take a shower and you've got this like fat, nasty thing stuck to your body full of your blood, you know?

1:21:13 Adam That's called your ass, by the way.

1:21:15 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce It's just, it's weird, man.

1:21:17 Adam Listen, I never been to Honduras, but I saw the movie Pepe On, and I know that ain't a place to hang out. They got spear-chuckers who like hunt you down in the jungle and shoot you with blowguns.

1:21:29 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce And here's where we lived. Somebody brought up the movie Predator.

1:21:33 Adam Yeah.

1:21:33 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Predator was actually shot right, not too many, not too far from where my parents took me. So remember that jungle?

1:21:42 Adam Yeah.

1:21:42 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Remember? That's where I went to. That's how harsh it was.

1:21:46 Adam I couldn't admit. It's like you're playing softball. You run the first base. A leopard jumps out of a tree.

1:21:54 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Exactly. It kills you. Yeah. It's the worst. Monkeys coming out of nowhere. Oh my God. Freaking. And it's like I remember one time, and I'd just been there for a while, and we're hanging out, and this older guy wakes up, and we're supposed to go to work, and he says, we're not going to go to work today. And I'm like, why, what's up? He said, I had a dream, and there was a tiger in the dream, and that means I'm supposed to go hunting right now for the tiger, so get ready. So he gives me a.22 rifle. Never shot a rifle in my life, right? I'm 13 years old, I'm out in the jungle, looking for a leopard or a puma or something, because he had a dream about it, I swear to God. And all of a sudden, I hear in Spanish, Doc, you stupid ass, and I hit the floor, and a gun goes off, and I hear him go, boom, boom, and I turn around, and he shot a leopard. Like his dream came true, and you know what I mean? And I don't know, I almost shot myself in the ass.

1:22:50 Adam Oh my God, I just, it's like a fairy tale.

1:22:54 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce I couldn't imagine it. Imagine the peer pressure after that, you know what I mean? Like when I went back to the village, all the kids found out that I can't shoot a gun. So you know, I'm like the retard, you know, hey, I know what a Ford is, and I know what a Chevy is, and I know what a Malibu is, but hey, you don't know what a Puma, you don't know how to, so I'm like, I was like the stud of all studs here in school. I was badass, I was the man, and then I went over there and I was just like the stupid dumb idiot retard who knew nothing.

1:23:25 Caller How old were you then?

1:23:26 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce 13. It was just the worst, man. It was the worst.

1:23:29 Caller When you came back, you had a real, you could do that thing with the dream.

1:23:33 Adam Oh, my.

1:23:35 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce I had a dream about a chick. Let's go out.

1:23:38 Caller Drive by tomorrow.

1:23:39 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Exactly.

1:23:40 Adam Cassie.

1:23:41 Caller Hello?

1:23:41 Adam You're 15. After having sex, it burns when you urinate.

1:23:47 Caller Mm-hmm.

1:23:48 Adam You had some kind of yeast infection, is that what that is? A bladder infection, right there, Bruce?

1:23:52 Caller Could be that. And is this, how often have you had this happen?

1:23:57 Caller Ever since New Year's night.

1:23:59 Caller Okay. It, this is something you need to have checked out. And again, urinalysis, it's not a painful process to be checked out. Do you have access to a doctor?

1:24:09 Caller No.

1:24:09 Caller You afraid to tell your parents or?

1:24:11 Caller Oh, I can't tell my parents.

1:24:12 Caller You can always, you can go to-

1:24:14 Adam Yeah, you're being sexually active, though. You need to get a pelvic exam, all right?

1:24:18 Caller Mm-hmm.

1:24:18 Adam So you go to like Planned Parenthood or something and get a pelvic exam.

1:24:22 Caller Well, I don't have time.

1:24:23 Caller Oh.

1:24:23 Adam Okay. Well, okay, fine. Go, I hope your crotch falls off then.

1:24:28 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce What is that?

1:24:29 Adam I don't know.

1:24:31 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce No, no, no.

1:24:31 Adam Listen to me. Wait a minute.

1:24:32 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Wait a minute. I don't have time.

1:24:34 Adam Shut up for a second, everybody. Anderson brings up a rare and good point. Look how long she's been on hold over here, Cassie. Do you see this number here? All right. What does that number say?

1:24:47 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce 120.

1:24:47 Adam 120. She has been on hold for two goddamn hours. She doesn't have time to go down to Planned Parenthood and get herself checked out because she's now becoming sexually active. She just spent two hours listening to Carlos talk about Honduras.

1:25:01 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Right. She could have been at the doctor right now having that. And it could be something really simple like just a urinary tract traction.

1:25:08 Caller We should talk to her.

1:25:10 Adam No, I don't want to talk to her. I look, I screw her. She's 15. I don't care. I don't have time for attitude problems. Wow.

1:25:18 Caller It's defensive.

1:25:19 Adam I don't care.

1:25:20 Caller She's frightened.

1:25:21 Adam Don't care.

1:25:22 Caller What was her name?

1:25:23 Adam She needs to go to Planned Parenthood and get checked out.

1:25:26 Caller What was her name? I want to make an appeal to her.

1:25:27 Adam I don't care. It never registers in my mind. Carlos Mencia is our guest tonight.

1:25:32 Caller I'll come to her house with a cup she can pee in.

1:25:36 Adam Oh, God. All right. We're going to take a break. I'm going to yell at Bruce. We'll be back after this.

1:25:41 Caller Come on, baby.

1:26:19 Adam It's Loveline, I'm Adam, that is Dr. Bruce, Carlos Mencia is our guest of night. Snoop Dogg will be in here tomorrow night. Carlos is a funny stand up and a smart guy, which is nice.

1:26:33 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce I wonder what kind of advice Snoop is going to give tomorrow.

1:26:35 Adam I have no idea.

1:26:37 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Yeah, yeah, smoke a blunt. That's going to be his answer to everything.

1:26:42 Adam Whack the hoe, I'm guessing it's going to come up more than once. Carlos has himself a website that I have not plugged yet tonight because I have not been aware of it up until now.

1:26:53 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce You know what, I'm so stupid, I never even talk about it.

1:26:56 Adam That's all right, go ahead, give it a plug.

1:26:58 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce It's just carlosmencia.com, man. There's cool road stories and stuff like that, funky stuff in there. And you know, some lady getting arrested one day. A heckler, I actually had a heckler who heckled so much during the show that they called the police on her. But the show ended before, you know what I mean, the police got there, so she walked out in like a retard, she kept heckling outside. And the police told her, look, lady, get in your car and leave.

1:27:26 Adam You're like, mom, leave me alone.

1:27:28 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce And she was like, you mother. And then they're like, if you open your mouth again, we're going to arrest you. And it was like click, click. And, you know, so some people took pictures of it, emailed it to me and I put on my website. And this big story about it's pretty cool. There's some cool stuff that's gone on.

1:27:43 Adam I'd love to hear that 911 call, by the way. Listen, we got a little emergency over here.

1:27:48 Caller What's going on?

1:27:50 Adam Woman's heckling, Carlos. Yeah. Yeah, send two squad cars. Just send the SWAT team.

1:27:57 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Two showed up. Two cars showed up for a heckler.

1:28:01 Adam Oh my God.

1:28:02 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce I swear to God. And you know there was a lady getting... And this was in El Paso, Texas.

1:28:06 Adam And meanwhile some chicks getting raped at the ATM. Yeah.

1:28:08 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Because somebody was getting killed and buried across the border.

1:28:11 Adam For the heckler.

1:28:13 Caller They don't mess around in Texas.

1:28:14 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce They don't mess around in El Paso. That's where they found all those dead people.

1:28:17 Adam Yeah, I can just see the cut. Herb, we got a chuckler. Let's roll. She's heckling. Where is she down? She's down at Slap Happy. Let's roll.

1:28:26 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce It's Carlos, man. He needs help.

1:28:28 Adam And they're like putting her in the back of the car. Your kind makes me sick.

1:28:34 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce They didn't even say watch your head when they put her in.

1:28:37 Adam This is pretty near and dear to me, Bob. I got a cousin who's in right now for heckling. So I really hate to see it. Kids get started early. They think it's okay. And then next thing you know, we're rolling on it.

1:28:49 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce I feel bad. I feel bad anytime there's a heckler. The person I feel bad for, usually it's a woman. I feel bad for the guy. Do you know what I mean?

1:28:55 Adam Who's sitting next to her?

1:28:56 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Yeah, because it's always, they've always got that look like, man, I can't believe this bitch is doing this to me again, kind of a look. And you just, and you don't want to pick on her because it's reflecting on him. But you kind of have to.

1:29:09 Adam And it's just like, Certain women should not be allowed to drink alcohol because I guarantee it was the booze that got her out of her shell.

1:29:20 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Yeah, you can tell she was drunk in the pictures. And they're not like the greatest pictures, but you can see like that kind of like dizzy looking thing.

1:29:26 Adam That is awesome. Arrested for heckling. What a feather in your cap.

1:29:31 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Right.

1:29:31 Adam Ivan?

1:29:32 Caller Yeah?

1:29:33 Adam You're 14.

1:29:34 Caller Yeah.

1:29:34 Adam You got a question for Carlos?

1:29:35 Caller Yeah.

1:29:36 Caller Well, Carlos, I think you're the funniest guy like alive right now.

1:29:39 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Thanks, bro.

1:29:41 Caller Adam, you're second. Well, I want to know what happened to Funny is Funny.

1:29:45 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Oh, Funny is Funny is a TV show that I used to host with comedians and stuff. It ran its course, man. It's nothing good, nothing bad. It's just like anything else, you know. Most things like that can't last forever because you run out of comics eventually. It's kind of what happens. It's not like this show where this show, it's not necessarily driven by comedians. You can have me and then Snoop and then whomever. It's more based on your calls. But when you're doing a stand-up show and you're bringing up stand-ups and it's called Funny is Funny and it's predominantly geared toward the Latino community and there are only a certain amount of Latino comics, you have to understand that as a host, you want to end it at a certain time because you start putting comics on that suck.

1:30:34 Adam Welcome to the Funny is Funny stage for the 14th time in 13 weeks. Carlos Oscar everybody, give it up for him. He's going to do his act he did last week. Marvin talks about being Mexican. Here we go now.

1:30:49 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce That's right. That's pretty much what happens. It ran its course. It's like I did a show called Local Slam, which were four episodes on HBO and everybody that saw that is like, why didn't you keep doing it? And it was like for the same reason. You know, we did four episodes. We had 16 comics. It was fun. But if it had gone any longer, it would have been like I would have introduced these guys. They would have performed. And I swear to God, I would have come on after and said, I apologize for that. And you can't do that during the TV show.

1:31:17 Adam All right, Ivan.

1:31:19 And what's the new show going to be called?

1:31:20 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce But I got an HBO special, bro, coming out later on this year. And I don't know what it will be called. And the name of the show on ABC will probably be called Carlos. And the name of the album, which is out on the 5th of May. Go figure, a beaner's coming out with an album. It's released on Cinco de Mayo. But that's called America Take a Joke. So I'm out there, dude. What city are you in?

1:31:41 Adam Let me punch him back up. Where are you calling from, Ivan?

1:31:43 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce I'm from LA. Oh, you're from LA.? I'm going to be in Pasadena this week, and I think it's 18 and over. And I'll be in Brea in a few weeks. Go to my website, carlosmencia.com, and it'll give you all the information.

1:31:54 Adam All right.

1:31:55 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Thanks, bro.

1:31:55 Adam And you can meet the drunken hack life.

1:31:57 Caller This is my new and improved...

1:31:58 Adam All right. Very good. Denise?

1:32:01 Yeah?

1:32:01 Adam You're 19, you get the Deproprivera shot, and you bleed after orgasm or heavy exercise.

1:32:08 Caller Yeah.

1:32:08 Adam All right. We're powering through. Bruce, what's up?

1:32:10 Caller Breakthrough bleeding is characteristic of Deproprivera, so that's something to talk to your doctor about. It may be a problem that you can't correct.

1:32:19 Adam Andrew?

1:32:19 Caller Yes?

1:32:20 Adam You're 22.

1:32:21 Caller Yes.

1:32:21 Adam Your friend puts a carrot in his pants to impress the ladies.

1:32:25 Caller Yeah.

1:32:26 Adam And what do you want to know?

1:32:28 Caller Well, the thing is, he takes steroids, too, you know?

1:32:31 Caller Yeah.

1:32:31 Caller All right.

1:32:32 Caller Does this really get the women or is he like, Yes, yes.

1:32:35 Adam There's nothing. Listen, I never got laid until I shoved the Horn of Plenty down my shorty.

1:32:40 Caller Good ER story.

1:32:40 Adam And now I can't keep the chicks away. What's the story?

1:32:42 Caller A guy passed out, I won't say what country, but passed out in the bar, brought him in, cut his pants off and he had a salami attached to his leg.

1:32:52 Adam Why did you cut his pants off?

1:32:53 Caller Well, any trauma is you cut the clothes off.

1:32:55 Adam Oh, I see. Yeah, very smart.

1:32:57 Caller Yeah. So we had a Hebrew national and a non-Hebrew patient.

1:33:01 Adam Oh, okay.

1:33:02 Caller It was a very bizarre picture there.

1:33:05 Adam All right. Michelle, you're 19. You went out to keep a relationship for longer than two months.

1:33:12 Caller No, it's just like when I was growing up, I had a lot of problems, but basically I like dealt with it like I had a therapist and all that. Yeah. But now that it's resolved, I mean everything in my life other than that is going good.

1:33:24 Adam Yeah.

1:33:24 Caller But it's like when it comes to having relationships, I have a hard time. All right. I just tend to cut them off.

1:33:31 Adam Okay. Michelle, you're 19. All bets are off. Here's the deal. At the six-week period, when you start feeling yourself doing whatever you did in the last relationship that started getting yourself some distance from the intimacy in the relationship, stop it. Here's the best way to stop everything that you do consistently as far as screwing up.

1:33:50 Caller But it's not that I stop them like-

1:33:52 Adam Keep an eye on yourself. You'll have these feelings. Fight those feelings. You know what I'm saying? Your tendencies. All right.

1:34:00 Caller Listen.

1:34:00 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Are your parents married?

1:34:02 Caller Yeah, they are.

1:34:02 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Have they been married the whole time?

1:34:04 Caller Yeah.

1:34:04 Adam Anyone do anything weird to you?

1:34:06 Caller No. Good.

1:34:07 Adam You have no excuse then.

1:34:08 Caller But you have a fear of intimacy and that's-

1:34:11 Caller I have problems with depression, but I have a psychiatrist and that is all like, you know?

1:34:15 Adam Okay. Well, just keep doing your work in therapy. Take your meds and take it slow and don't freak yourself out. Believe me, at 19, all bets are off relationship-wise. You don't know that, but when you get to 35, and when I look back now at what I was thinking when I was 19, forget about it. All bets are off. Right. I'm a mess now. I'm 35. Are you kidding? I was a colossal mess at 19. All right. We're going to take a break. We'll be right back.

1:34:42 Dr. Bruce Love Line with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

1:35:12 Adam All right, well, that is it. I want to thank Bruce for doing a great job tonight. Tell everyone Snoop Dogg will be in tomorrow night, and thank Carlos Mencia for coming in here. And just being a surprise and a delight. Had a good time and a real interesting guy, and check his stuff out at the Ice House this weekend or at carlosmencia.com. And I'll see you in Aspen there, Carlos.

1:35:36 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce Yeah, we'll see you. Maybe you can take me skiing.

1:35:38 Adam All right, we'll get the Mexican and the WAP up on the slopes.

1:35:41 Carlos Mencia with Dr. Bruce That would be funny.

1:35:42 Adam Well, until next time, it's Adam Crawford, Dr. Bruce, saying mahalo. All right, I'm giving you oral sex starting now, right?

Episode Feedback

Tuesday, January 25, 2000