Episode 1000754887166

1:35 Yeah, whatever.

1:36 Voiceover 10, 9, 8, 7, 6.

1:54 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised. Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew Loveline, Coast to Coast.

2:05 Voiceover Hey, yep, Loveline, Coast to Coast. You heard the man. Phone number 1-800-LLVE-191, fax number 310-854-4455. Dr. Drew, Board Certified Physician, Addiction Medicine Specialist. Tonight, Andy Dick will be joining us in the Loveline studio to talk about his new MTV show, which is on Tuesday nights, 930 on the fabulous yet cheap MTV.

2:33 Drew Cheap? Why would you say such things?

2:35 Adam No, it's ironic about me.

2:36 Drew Yeah.

2:37 Adam I only said bad things about MTV when I was on MTV.

2:39 Drew I noticed that. You don't care anymore.

2:41 Adam Now that I'm off MTV, I don't say anything bad about them. But maybe we'll rekindle that flame tonight. Andy is taking some sort of meeting and is going to be just a little bit late, but I'm sure he'll make up for it. So he's just going to be in here in about 10 or 15 minutes. We'll talk to him about all his affairs. Yes.

3:04 Jesus Christ in heaven.

3:07 Sarah?

3:08 Hi.

3:08 Adam You're 16.

3:10 Caller Yeah.

3:10 Adam What's up?

3:11 Caller All right. My problem is like, all right, I'm like fine with like giving head or something like that. But when it comes to like kissing, like it just grosses me out.

3:19 Adam Oh, you got an older sister?

3:22 Caller No, no.

3:23 Adam No.

3:24 Caller And it's not like I'm not experienced with that because I am. It just like seems to gross me out more and more.

3:29 Adam With the kissing?

3:30 Caller Yeah.

3:31 Adam Yeah.

3:31 Drew Why do you think that is?

3:32 Adam That's how I am with porn though. I can see like a three input job with five slobs on top of one chick. No problem. The second they kiss, I have to shield my face with a baseball cap and run out of the room.

3:46 Drew Three input? Sounds like some sort of a...

3:50 Adam That's porn logo.

3:51 Drew Dispenser.

3:52 Adam Lingo. Hey, Sarah? All right. I'm just going to start guessing here.

3:58 Caller Okay.

3:58 Adam You think it's an intimacy thing? That there's something kind of intimate about kissing?

4:03 Caller I don't know.

4:03 Drew And oftentimes some people that will trigger some feelings of aggression.

4:07 Adam Kissing? Yeah. Really?

4:09 Drew Yeah.

4:09 Adam Why?

4:10 Drew Well, let's hear about it.

4:11 Adam All right. Where's Daddy?

4:14 He died.

4:15 Adam When did he die?

4:16 When I was 11.

4:18 Drew What happened?

4:19 Caller He had cancer.

4:20 Drew Uh-huh. Was he somebody who loved?

4:22 Caller Yeah.

4:23 Drew You were close with him?

4:24 Adam Yeah. See, here's what I'm getting. You tell, when a 16-year-old woman calls this show and says she can't really tolerate kissing a guy, I think I'm talking to someone who's having difficulty with intimacy. And then I'll go right to the dad and figure out when he left or when he was taken away in this case.

4:43 Caller Right.

4:43 Adam So I think it's about reestablishing an intimate relationship with a male who may be taken away, just like dad was.

4:51 Drew Yet I sense conflict. How's with mom?

4:56 Caller How's what?

4:56 Drew How's your relationship with mom?

4:57 Caller Oh, pretty good. Like, sometimes we fight, but like, it's not bad.

5:01 Drew Did you ever have any bad fight with your parents?

5:04 Caller No.

5:04 Drew Never?

5:05 Caller Nothing specific.

5:06 Drew Nothing really, nothing to make you feel sort of uncomfortable being close to someone other than the loss, obviously?

5:12 Caller No.

5:13 Drew Have you dealt with your dad's loss?

5:15 Caller Yeah, I think so.

5:16 Drew Could that possibly, it's only five years ago. You know, some people really sort of avoid all those feelings of grief and they will come back and get you.

5:24 Caller Well, I went to therapy.

5:25 Drew Yeah, because you weren't grieving properly?

5:28 Caller Well, no, like it was just, I don't know, my mom like made me and my brother go like after.

5:32 Adam Uh-huh, Drew, stop messing with that mic, please. All right. Well, Sarah.

5:38 Caller What should I do?

5:38 Adam Well, you don't have a boyfriend currently?

5:42 Caller No, it was sort of like hook up. Like, I had somebody like a little while ago and like we did like other stuff before we kissed. And like, I mean, once we've done like other stuff, like I was fine kissing him and like, I mean, he was good kiss and I really enjoyed it. But now like, it's just not that way anymore. You know what I mean?

6:00 Adam Yeah.

6:00 Drew Not with him anymore?

6:02 Caller Why?

6:02 Drew Not with him anymore?

6:03 Caller No, not with him anymore.

6:04 Adam Well, listen, also she's 16. I mean, you know, sometimes you got to meet the right guy.

6:10 Drew And everyone gets to go through some weird phases when they're 16. But if she still has trouble being close to someone, it might be time to revisit the therapist.

6:16 Adam I didn't meet the right guy until I was 30.

6:18 Drew Yeah. For some reason, I've been talking a lot about you lately and your desire to be gay. Yeah.

6:23 Adam I don't hide that.

6:24 Drew I know.

6:26 Adam Andy, I was just looking at an article on Andy Dick. He's 10% gay.

6:30 Drew Is it only 10%? Well, he needs lots of room in that 100% with him.

6:36 Yeah.

6:36 Adam And what is 10% gay? The penis only goes in three-quarters of an inch or how does that work?

6:42 Drew Out of every 10 encounters.

6:44 One of them.

6:45 Adam I see.

6:46 Drew One's gay.

6:49 He's bisexual. Yeah.

6:50 Adam No, I guess we'd get up. I'd be like, are we on the 10th already? I swear to Christ, I just blew a guy. It was two weeks ago. Come on, we can't be on 10 again, are we?

6:58 Drew You know, there's the Mars Venus Show. I was talking to people about men and men and why men are around women. One of them finally came to a conclusion. They went, well, if that's the way it is, then men are only with women because of the sex. Oh, I had to bite a hole in my lip right at that moment. I thought, well, now wait a minute. Adam always says if he could be gay, he wouldn't be around women.

7:16 Adam I would try not to.

7:18 Drew He wishes he could not have this need.

7:20 Adam Thank you. Thank you, Drew. But Drew, to be fair to some of us guys that are less passionate than you, you're a very passionate, passionate man. Jason?

7:32 Hi.

7:33 Adam You're 27?

7:34 Caller Yeah, I was wondering, I would.

7:36 Taking kubanin, it's not the growth of my penis.

7:39 Drew No. What's going on? Why are you taking the kubanin? Maybe that has something to do with it.

7:43 Artificial valves.

7:45 Yeah.

7:45 Drew I would be more concerned with your growth and development otherwise normal?

7:49 Yeah, it's fine.

7:50 Adam Well, you're 27. How much you think the dork's going to grow between now and the grave?

7:56 Caller I don't know.

7:56 It's only 5 inches when it's fully red.

8:00 Adam 5 inches and a bad heart valve? God really dealt him a bad hand.

8:04 Drew How old were you when you had the replacement?

8:07 The first one was when I was 18 months, 7 years, and 15 years old.

8:11 Drew You wonder if something else happened as a result of all those surgeries and perhaps there are medicines along the way. No, no, again, otherwise your growth is normal, your height is normal, your stature is normal, hair distribution is normal?

8:24 No.

8:25 I lost it when I was 15.

8:26 Drew Lost what?

8:27 My hair.

8:29 Drew On your head?

8:30 Caller Yeah.

8:31 Oh, okay, never mind.

8:34 Caller I went over my head. What are you saying?

8:36 Drew Well, no, I was asking if you lost hair on your head too, that's a sign that something might be going on.

8:40 Caller I think because when I had my last operation, I was in the hospital for two months. Yeah.

8:44 Adam Hey, Jason?

8:45 Caller Yeah.

8:45 Adam You got a bad heart valve?

8:47 Caller Yeah. I was born with mitral and aortic stenosis.

8:51 Adam And it's one valve that's bad?

8:54 Well, it's the aortic valve and the mitral valve.

8:57 Adam Oh, well, there you go. So stenosis of both the valves. And did they replace both of them?

9:03 Well, the first operation I had, they just went in and split open the aortic valve.

9:06 Caller And then the last two, they... Well, the second one, they replaced the mitral valve. And then this last one, they replaced both of them.

9:16 Drew I bet you were on some powerful anti-rhythmic medication along the way, too, right?

9:19 Caller Azotec.

9:20 Drew No.

9:23 Adam What, by the way, did they replace it with? A synthetic valve or a pig valve or what kind of valve?

9:27 Caller Synthetic.

9:28 Adam Uh-huh. And does it, is it hooked up? Is it power electronically?

9:34 Drew No, no, no. They just, No, I'm just, it's, Let me get my book here.

9:37 Yeah, when the blood pumps through it, just it's like a normal valve.

9:41 Drew What do you have, what kind of valve do you have? Yorkshirely or something?

9:45 Caller Shoot, I don't even know.

9:46 Drew I'll show you. Give me the pictures here.

9:48 All right.

9:49 Caller Hold on a second. Oh, true.

9:51 Adam I can't recheck this damn thing.

9:52 Drew That is a foot and a half away.

9:54 Adam You want to give me a heart attack? Because I know what the heart valve looks like. I just didn't know if they were powered on their own or if they needed to be powered. Pen. Drew, why don't you show us what's going on with the pen?

10:07 Drew Basically, it's just like a toilet seat that goes up and down.

10:09 Adam But is there another doctor in the world that doesn't have a pen in their pocket? You've got to be the only doctor in town that doesn't have a pen.

10:16 Drew There's another one that used to be just a ball and a basket.

10:19 Adam Right.

10:20 Drew Just a ball, like a little basket like this. Just a ball sitting in it. So when the heart started to contract, the ball would go occlude up here. Yeah. They would allow the blood to go out.

10:31 Adam Remember those snorkels kids would have?

10:33 Drew Yes.

10:33 Adam That you couldn't suck water through because of the curve and they had a ping pong ball at the end of it?

10:37 Drew No one alive other than you and me remembers that.

10:39 Adam Oh, really? They don't make those anymore? It seemed to work pretty good for me when I was a kid.

10:45 Drew Now the heart valves are a little more barbed.

10:46 Adam Okay. All right. But aren't there certain, I don't know, maybe I'm thinking of pumps that are hooked up in place of the heart.

10:52 Drew It replaces this one.

10:53 Adam Okay.

10:54 Drew And this one here.

10:55 Adam And now he's 27. He had it replaced semi-recently. How long is that going to last him?

11:00 Drew I don't know. I think it should last a long time. So during the while he's developing that they had to replace them.

11:05 Adam Right. It gets bigger. Jason?

11:07 Yeah.

11:07 Adam How long is this valve supposed to last?

11:10 For the rest of my life.

11:11 Caller I think it's the biggest one in.

11:12 Drew A long time.

11:13 Adam Right. Until he's 22.

11:14 Caller Yeah.

11:15 Drew And I think, again, I worry that either the traumas of the surgery or gut or what other medicines you were exposed to along the way, you might see an endocrinologist and see if there are ways.

11:24 Adam A five inch penis ain't bad.

11:26 Drew But he may have some more growth to go under some testosterone influence if he never achieved the normal testosterone level that he would have otherwise been exposed to.

11:34 Adam Well, does your heart create that?

11:36 Drew No, but some of these medicines, the anti-arrhythmic medicine, he probably wouldn't even know what he was on.

11:40 Adam Jamie? You're 29. What's up?

11:43 Caller Okay, well, I was just calling. First, I wanted to say hi to Andy Dick, but he's not there. Congratulate him on his, I'm Daphne Aguilera, I've been on MTV.

11:50 Adam Yeah, well, he'll be in here in a minute, theoretically, and I'll congratulate him for it.

11:54 Caller And then, the second, the other reason I called is because, I don't know if you guys are aware of the Department of California, the Health Department has a program for minors that are under 18. They need help with, let's say, somebody has a sexually transmitted disease and they don't want their parents to find out. They could go to their local welfare department and apply for minor consent, and they'll get a Medi-Cal card that will treat that, you know, so they could get treatment for that, or drug abuse, or counseling.

12:20 Drew I just wish that Medi-Cal would actually cover those services. That's the frustrating part, but that's great. That's good to know. Now, say it again, so if anyone's listening that has access to that, it's clearer who they are and how they do it.

12:30 Caller Yeah, anybody under 18 could go into any welfare department in the state of California.

12:35 Adam Hold on, you're saying welfare?

12:36 Caller Yeah, at the welfare department.

12:37 Drew No matter if they're on welfare already themselves or not?

12:39 Caller No, it doesn't matter. You could be, you could be, you know, your dad could be a millionaire as long as you're a minor. They can't use your parents' income against you. You will be provided a medical card so you could get treated for sexually transmitted disease.

12:51 Drew There's another name for that, the family something?

12:53 Caller No, that's healthy families. That's for people that are not eligible. They can't afford personal insurance, but they make too much money to be on medical.

13:01 Drew But that doesn't apply to minors?

13:03 Caller No, that's for minors too, but that's just like to keep families healthy.

13:07 Adam They're all right there, Jamie.

13:08 Caller Let's see, this program is called Minor Consent Program and it's state wide and it's for any minor and it's for specific use.

13:13 Caller Hey, you know what?

13:15 Drew Anne, is Anne in there somewhere? Maybe there's another Sunday show here somewhere, like in terms of exploring what resources are available in different states, that kind of thing and how different states deal with these issues. So Jamie's on line four.

13:25 Yeah, Tanya?

13:27 Hello?

13:27 Adam You're 21.

13:28 Caller Hi.

13:29 Adam What's up?

13:29 I really love your show.

13:31 Adam Thank you.

13:33 Caller Yeah, I have this problem. It's kind of an embarrassing problem. I watched a lot of porn.

13:40 Drew Oh, Adam, this is your mate.

13:41 Adam How much porn do you want?

13:43 Drew Your soulmate.

13:43 Adam How dare you?

13:44 Drew What?

13:45 Adam How dare you?

13:46 Drew I'm trying to help you.

13:47 Adam Go ahead, young Tanya.

13:48 Drew Think of all the hours of enjoyment you could share together.

13:52 Adam Yeah, you could watch me masturbate. Go ahead, Tanya.

13:57 Caller I watch it about maybe three or four times a week, and I've been doing it since I was about 14.

14:03 Adam Yeah. And when you say watch it, what do you mean? How much?

14:08 Caller Until I'm done watching it.

14:09 Drew How long is that?

14:10 Adam Let me grab a scratch pad here. Let's do a little Loveline recreation there.

14:15 Drew So, Tanya, how long do you watch that porn for?

14:20 Adam Until I'm done watching it.

14:21 Drew Oh, that's quite a...

14:24 Adam Let's try that without porn for a second. Let's just try it with any question.

14:28 Drew Adam, how long do you eat dinner for tonight? How long did you eat dinner for tonight?

14:35 Adam Until I was done eating.

14:36 Caller Oh, that's good.

14:37 Drew Let's see.

14:39 Adam It works. It works. It works in almost any application. You're a genius, Tanya.

14:45 Caller Okay, okay. I get it.

14:46 Caller Okay.

14:48 Adam So, you watch for how long?

14:51 Caller Ten, fifteen minutes.

14:52 Adam Four, three, four times a week?

14:54 Caller Yeah.

14:55 Adam Yeah. I don't call that a problem. You masturbate?

14:58 Caller Well, yeah. See, I consider it a problem because I have it in my possession, and I find it embarrassing like I'm hiding things from people. It's like something I don't want people to know about me.

15:09 Adam How often do strangers comb through your house?

15:12 Caller Never.

15:13 Drew But interestingly, this is-

15:14 Adam Hold on a second. Are you bringing it with you to work, or do you have it on your person?

15:19 Drew No. This is what men have dealt with for years. Remember how men have always felt bad and ashamed of this?

15:25 Adam Yeah, sure. Who's looking for it?

15:28 Caller Nobody. I'm just thinking like if I have like a friend over, somebody from my family comes over and were to happen to like come by it.

15:37 Adam Yeah. How much porn do you have?

15:39 Caller I have a few videos.

15:41 Adam Two videos. And what else do you have at your house? You have a bong or a pipe or a joint or some booze or something else you may not want them to see?

15:49 Caller Well, they all know about that stuff.

15:52 Adam Here's my point, goofball. You can't take those two videotapes and stash them somewhere while your, you know, grandparents are staying the weekend.

16:01 Caller Well, I do.

16:02 Caller It's just that I don't like watching it. Like I want to not watch it. All right.

16:07 Adam But do you want to not masturbate or do you want to not watch it?

16:10 Caller I want to not watch it.

16:11 Adam What if you stopped masturbating? I bet you would stop watching it.

16:16 Caller Yeah, I guess I could try that.

16:19 Adam Honey, you doing a junior college or you on the workforce?

16:22 Caller Oh, yeah, I'm in junior college.

16:23 Caller Yeah.

16:26 Caller I knew that was the one.

16:27 Adam I always know the junior college students.

16:30 Drew Well, you almost didn't qualify for Virginia College.

16:32 Adam Yeah, it was close. I have an object that's five eighths of an inch thick by three inches by eight inches. Where can I hide it?

16:41 Drew But listen, wait, wait, wait.

16:44 Adam She sounds like she has a prom that she's trying to press.

16:46 Drew But you're advising her to stop masturbating so she doesn't watch the porn. Could somebody advise you of that and get you to stop watching porn?

16:52 Adam I don't want to stop.

16:53 Drew Yeah, but even if you did, you think you're going to stop masturbating? No way.

16:56 Adam No, she wants to stop masturbating, not stop watching the porn.

16:59 Drew She wants to stop feeling guilty about this.

17:02 Adam Okay. Are your parents religious?

17:04 Caller Yeah, my mom is.

17:07 Adam Is that why you're a little freaked out about this whole thing?

17:10 Caller No, I think it's gross and I think it's demeaning to women in a lot of ways. I'm not happy that I watch it. I don't like to, but the first time I ever masturbated and got off was I was watching porn.

17:25 Drew Why don't you watch gay porn or something? Well, who knows?

17:27 Adam You want to talk about bad.

17:29 Drew Well, something without women.

17:31 Adam The straight stuff is demeaning, the gay stuff is an act against God and nature. Have you seen that, Drew? Oh yeah, that'll take your soul away. Sorry, Tanya, don't listen to Drew watching that gay porn. What kind of porn do you watch? The straight.

17:46 Drew Or what about lesbian porn?

17:48 Adam There may be something here. Do you think about the ladies? No. Huh?

17:52 Caller No.

17:53 Drew No, just because women...

17:54 Adam All right, how about a little lesbian porn? How about a compromise in some of that nice showtime late night softcore porn?

18:01 Caller Yeah, I've seen that too.

18:03 Adam Why don't you try that? You won't feel as bad. You still get to masturbate.

18:06 Drew Won't be as quick. They'll just have to watch the stories.

18:08 Adam Yeah, it'll take like two hours. Oh yes, Lady Chatterley is now with another woodsman. Oh, Christ, how long is this gonna take? She's taking many lovers, you know. Okay. Tanya, it sounds like you got some issues floating around.

18:27 Drew But they're not what you're doing. What you're doing is perfectly normal.

18:30 Adam Right. The masturbation is fine. The porn watching is fine. But the way you feel about it isn't fine. And that's what you got to look into.

18:38 Caller Well, also I've been like, lately I've been having these dreams that are like really like, they're like sexual and they're really like freaky. And I think because of what?

18:47 Drew Maybe you need a boyfriend.

18:48 Caller Yeah.

18:48 Adam How about that? Can you get a man?

18:51 Caller All right.

18:52 Adam Go get yourself a man.

18:53 Drew I think that will settle this down a bit.

18:55 Adam There's something floating around. Maybe the religious thing.

18:58 Drew Whatever it is, it's like she needn't succumb to it. You know what I'm saying?

19:01 Adam Yeah. All right. Nina?

19:04 Yeah.

19:04 Adam You're 14.

19:05 Caller Yeah.

19:06 Adam What's up?

19:06 Caller Okay. It's like the weirdest thing. Whenever I'm around a guy, I always get a mental picture of him raping me.

19:13 Drew Have you ever been raped?

19:14 Caller No.

19:14 Drew Have you ever been sexually abused?

19:16 Caller No.

19:17 Drew Are you sure it's rape you're imagining?

19:19 Caller Yeah. It's like a mental picture. It's like it breaks the hell out of me.

19:22 Drew No, but you just maybe imagining having sex with the guy?

19:25 Caller No. I know. It's like, I don't know. Whenever I'm like a, it doesn't matter what guy, just any guy I'm around, him brutally raping me.

19:34 Drew Brutally? What does that mean, brutally? What do you mean?

19:36 Caller Like first beating the crap out of me, torturing me, then-

19:40 Drew Were you ever beaten up when you were growing up?

19:42 Caller No. Not really.

19:44 Adam A little bit?

19:45 Drew There's no such thing as not really.

19:46 Caller Oh, no.

19:48 Adam No?

19:49 Caller Yeah, my mom's like, you know, hit me a couple of times, but you know, just not really.

19:54 Adam You know, it's funny, she's, Nina's 14. Sounds like a Dan Aykroyd character.

20:00 Caller Yeah, my mom, she hit me sometimes, you know.

20:03 Drew Not really, but yes, she hit me.

20:04 Adam She beat me about the head and shoulders?

20:06 Caller Yeah.

20:06 Adam I always liked that about. It was the suspect was beaten about the head and torso.

20:13 Caller The about part.

20:14 Adam So Nina, where's daddy?

20:18 Caller Right now, he's with my mom at my aunt's house.

20:20 Adam You should have said Juliet. So is he living with your family?

20:26 Caller Yeah.

20:27 Adam I see.

20:28 Caller My parents are still together.

20:29 Adam And everything, who did, someone did a little beating on you?

20:33 Caller Well, just my mom just slapped me once in a while when I get, like, when I have a smart mouth.

20:37 Drew How often would you do that?

20:38 Adam What is she? Is she Mexican or Italian?

20:41 Caller Russian.

20:41 Caller Oh, that's tough.

20:44 Adam White tornado. Tough people, those Russians.

20:47 Drew How often would you do that? How often would you do that?

20:50 Caller Just not that often at all. Just a couple of times. In your life.

20:54 Adam And your dad doesn't do any whooping?

20:56 Caller No. Why?

20:57 Adam Is he too drunk?

20:58 Caller Um, he drinks. Not that much. And just, he screams a lot.

21:02 Caller Oh.

21:04 Adam That sounds a little volatile over there. Maybe daddy's screaming a little bit and drinking a little bit and mama doing a little slapping is kind of awoken that fantasy in you.

21:18 Caller No, because it's like really weird because, OK, some people in my family are just not normal. Like my grandma. I think like it all started with her. Like ever since I was like, I don't even remember how since I can remember, like my grandma's always been telling me that every guy like, you know, wants to kill me.

21:36 Drew Now, this is like one of those grand.

21:37 Adam Yeah. I had a town grandma from Philadelphia was really very much into like the boogie man and people trying to kill you. And it's they're under your bed and they're trying to come in and don't look out the window.

21:48 Drew The author we had, what's his name?

21:50 Adam Stephen King.

21:50 Drew No, no, no.

21:51 Adam Oh, what's his name?

21:54 Drew Are we getting old or what?

21:56 Adam We're getting old. The Brit with the weird name.

21:59 Drew Help.

21:59 Adam Who wrote the Pinhead movies. Anderson's going to chime in any second now.

22:05 Drew He's got the name. Clive Barker. Clive Barker. His grandmother used to tell him there was a black man waiting in the bathroom to cut his penis off.

22:10 Adam Yeah. But that was true. It actually happened.

22:13 Drew And interestingly, we were having a discussion tonight with my wife and a friend of ours. How we're going to tell our daughters to understand what men really are without freaking them out like this, without pissing them off so they want to show us that we're wrong.

22:24 Adam It'll be tough because you're a passionate, passionate, passionate man, Drew. You know how men operate because you operate enough for three of them. Passionate man, Drew. So what should Nina do?

22:37 Drew I wouldn't allow her to do anything just yet. I mean, she's got grandma freaking her out a little bit and she's having these weird sort of, she seems a little hyper stimulated, you know what I mean? Like she's a little neurotic and anxious.

22:46 Adam Well, Nina, the thing is you can have fantasies all you want. Just make sure it's not actually happening.

22:51 Drew She's obsessive compulsive. I mean, it could be a symptom of something else that's going to show itself as time goes along.

22:56 Adam You know what I was thinking about when she was talking about rape?

23:00 Drew I think. Ice cream? Donuts.

23:02 Adam Actually, those multicolored sprinkles that go on the ice cream and the donuts.

23:05 Drew Jimmy's.

23:06 Adam Jimmy's. That's what I was thinking about.

23:08 Drew Of course, for you.

23:08 Adam That's right.

23:09 Drew It goes without saying.

23:10 Adam Some people call them sprinkles. I call them Jimmy's, so. Now, I'll tell you what I was thinking about.

23:14 Drew You never noticed the way I got an erection when you thought of those before?

23:17 Adam Don't you? I used to fantasize when I was like 13 or 14 years old. Whenever I thought about women, it was always like they fell asleep and I got to feel their boobs. You know what I mean? That sort of fantasy or you weren't visible or you're in the room. There was sort of like it was a little rape in those fantasies.

23:38 Caller I got to tell you.

23:39 Drew It went one of two ways. Either it was a passive victim who laid still, let you do whatever they didn't know you were doing it to them, or somebody you'd given something to who now had to have you.

23:50 Adam Yeah.

23:51 Drew One of the other way.

23:52 Adam Right. Yes. I'd given some Spanish fly to some chick and she had to have sex with the next person she saw and it was me, or she'd somehow passed out and I was able to examine her like a coroner basically at 13. I think guys have those fantasies.

24:09 Drew Absolutely.

24:09 Adam Because we can't picture, like I couldn't picture chick holding still to let me do what I wanted to do.

24:14 Drew Sex is not about love at that age.

24:16 Adam It's just about the curiosity and exploration. And having an orgasm is a passionate, passionate, passionate, passionate, passionate man like yourself would know, Drew.

24:27 Drew I see.

24:28 Adam All right. We will take ourselves a break. Andy Dick who's passionate, but his passion knows no bounds. That's all over the map.

24:37 I just wanted to see the wet pink stick.

24:43 Adam We'll be in here soon and he can join Drew, who's passionate, passionate, passionate man.

24:50 Caller Hello, who's this?

24:51 This is Loveline. 1-800-LOVE-191. Loveline will be right back.

25:19 Adam Hey, Loveline, I'm Adam Carolla. It's Andy Dick over there. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Dr. Drew is also in the studio with us. He's a very passionate, passionate, passionate man. Andy Dick is doing the Andy Dick Show, which is Tuesday nights, 9.30 MTV. I have seen a-

25:39 Andy Dick I think it's on 10.30.

25:40 Adam Oh, 10.30.

25:40 Andy Dick Yeah, I think so.

25:41 Adam That's why this baby says 9.30. Yes, indeed. I have seen a couple episodes and not Tuesday nights at 10.30 because I'm always here, but whenever it's maybe on the weekends, whenever it's re-airs and lots of good stuff. I mean, I was actually talking with Anderson about this, Engineer Anderson, before the show, about how this is where you should be.

26:08 Andy Dick Yeah.

26:08 Adam I mean, when you get- I don't mean here, but I mean-

26:10 Andy Dick No, yeah.

26:11 Adam And not necessarily on MTV. Yeah, but-

26:13 Andy Dick Doing your own film.

26:14 Adam Right. And we're talking too about David Allen Grier, who's coming in here tomorrow night, that when you take guys like you and David, and you give them a role and put them in a sitcom, you're not really exploiting their talent fully.

26:27 Caller Yeah.

26:29 Andy Dick Why are you so funny?

26:30 Adam No, but people think- I mean, I think people thought you were a weird guy, but they didn't know how funny you were.

26:38 Andy Dick Right.

26:38 Drew Well, what none of you guys know is, and you'd appreciate this Anderson, and Andy is a great director. I mean, I had such fun working with you.

26:47 Andy Dick Dr. Drew was on the pilot.

26:49 Adam I know.

26:50 Drew I was on.

26:51 Adam He was.

26:51 Drew There's no problem, but he does 400 takes, if you need to, and each one is totally different, and he gets exactly what he wants, and he tries everything out for size, and he gets that cigar store Indian thing out of me, that's so hard to get.

27:04 Adam Yeah, it's hard to get Drew to act.

27:05 Andy Dick Did you see the final product?

27:07 Adam I did.

27:08 Andy Dick You were good.

27:09 Adam I saw that, I saw you doing the bit with Ben Stiller last week.

27:14 Andy Dick Anus and Andy.

27:15 Adam Very funny. I liked the Boogeyman bit. I love the Boogeyman bit. Some of these things are pretty involved as far as makeup goes, and shenanigans. I saw you in the parking lot with, who's that female rapper?

27:31 Andy Dick Debrat.

27:32 Adam Debrat, yes, doing the Tom Green. Yeah. What?

27:36 Andy Dick Some funny stuff, right?

27:38 Caller Yeah.

27:42 Andy Dick But you're right. Put me on a sitcom. I mean, that's cute too.

27:46 Adam Well, you know what it is? It seems to me that actors do well on sitcoms because they don't do much else and don't have, they're not singing with the bitches of the century or doing a thousand characters or clinically insane.

28:02 Drew How are the bitches?

28:03 Andy Dick Careful. I still have the papers. Yeah, exactly. The bitches are, we're kind of taking a hiatus. Actually, no, we did something at the knitting factory.

28:11 Drew You have to beat the crap out of them lately or anything?

28:13 Andy Dick Yeah.

28:13 Drew You did? Yeah.

28:15 Andy Dick I got mad at them last night. I was at the knitting factory last night.

28:19 It is.

28:19 Andy Dick Doesn't that sound so good?

28:20 That's you. I can't win.

28:23 Andy Dick I'm sick of walking.

28:26 Caller I want to fly.

28:27 Andy Dick Look at Stephen Hawking in the sky. Way up in the sky.

28:34 Caller Yeah.

28:35 Andy Dick That was me and me. Yeah. I was doing it too well with me.

28:39 Caller Yeah. That's not good. Yes.

28:41 Adam How long have you been sober now? How's all that stuff going?

28:43 Andy Dick A year and 10 months.

28:45 Adam Wow.

28:46 Drew Good for you. Congratulations. How's it going?

28:49 Andy Dick It's great. I have a lot of, I've got hangups. I've got issues.

28:54 Drew No way.

28:55 Caller I don't believe it.

28:59 Andy Dick I think I've replaced the addiction of drugs and alcohol with maybe other things. Work, for one. I work my ass off. I work so hard. That's why it looks good. I work so hard.

29:12 Drew Yeah. But when you work, there's a playful quality to it.

29:14 Andy Dick It is playful.

29:15 Drew And it's creative. And so it may be excessively done because that's the kind of person you are, you tend to excess.

29:19 Andy Dick And sex.

29:21 Caller Oh, yeah.

29:21 Andy Dick Sex. I'm like just going nuts.

29:24 Adam But your girlfriend is real hot, right?

29:26 Andy Dick She's right behind me.

29:27 Caller Yeah.

29:28 Adam How old is she, really? 21.

29:30 Andy Dick She's 21.

29:30 Adam Yes. Yeah. I'd be going nuts with the sex, too.

29:33 Andy Dick It's crazy.

29:34 Adam And so would Drew. He's a passionate, passionate, passionate man. James.

29:38 Andy Dick She doesn't like when I talk about... Oh, what? We have somebody on the...

29:41 Adam Yeah. Saved by the bell. James.

29:44 Adam.

29:44 Adam You're 29.

29:45 Caller Hey, good time.

29:46 Adam Hey, good times, buddy.

29:48 Caller Hey, I've got a complaint for Dr. Drew, but before I get to him, Andy, you are the funniest improvisational no-foe of the century.

29:57 Andy Dick Oh, that's nice.

29:58 Caller The last time you were on Loveline, when you were singing with the business of the century while that caller was snoring in the background with some of the funniest stuff I've ever heard.

30:07 Andy Dick Oh, that's funny. Remember that?

30:09 Adam No.

30:11 Andy Dick You really don't, because of that.

30:12 Adam No, that's all one big show to me.

30:14 Andy Dick Oh, they were snoring on the line.

30:16 Adam It does sound like this show, though.

30:18 Drew It sounds like we would do.

30:19 Andy Dick And we kept coming back to them. Oh, yes.

30:21 Adam That is this show.

30:22 Caller And Adam, do you remember when you accused Andy of rimming a possum?

30:26 Adam It sounds like something I may have said to him.

30:29 Drew He says that to everyone, though.

30:30 Andy Dick Rimming a possum.

30:32 Drew So, you got something for me now.

30:35 Adam Yeah, what's your beef?

30:36 Caller Dr. Drew.

30:37 Andy Dick Yeah.

30:38 Caller As we all know, you like to pick up the nickels everywhere outside the studio. Right.

30:42 Adam It's very cheap, very cheap. I am passionate.

30:45 Caller I have a cousin who is a cosmetologist, who did make up at the Miss American Passionate this past year. And she's a big fan of the show and she introduced herself to you. And she said that you were on your high horse and completely ignored her.

31:02 Adam Really?

31:03 Caller That's bizarre.

31:04 Andy Dick That's not like him at all.

31:05 Caller Hold on.

31:05 Caller Let me tell you.

31:06 Caller Do you remember her?

31:08 Caller Her name was Dees?

31:09 Drew You know, there was a number of make up people there. They were all local, right? All the local folks there.

31:14 Caller Yes.

31:14 Drew And I tried to be as gracious as... I was being dragged in five directions at once. And if I missed somebody, I really apologized because they were very nice.

31:21 Adam Do you remember her name?

31:22 Caller Do you remember her?

31:23 Adam Dees? No, he doesn't remember her.

31:25 Andy Dick You know, it's so hard. I get this all the time. Where somebody... Just tonight, I was at a meeting and somebody came up to me.

31:31 Drew But the thing about me, I genuinely feel bad.

31:33 I feel bad too.

31:34 Andy Dick I want to know that I want to remember their names.

31:37 Adam I smell a joke coming up here. James, are we supposed to ask her last name?

31:43 Caller Did you meet her too, Adam?

31:45 Adam Yeah, tell me her last name and get the joke out.

31:47 Caller Dees Nuts in your Face.

31:49 Caller There you go.

31:50 Adam Thank you.

31:51 Drew All right.

31:53 Adam I started thinking about... I started thinking about...

31:56 Caller What was her last name?

31:57 Adam Nuts in your Face.

31:59 Caller Dees.

32:00 Andy Dick See, dees nuts in your face.

32:02 Adam Dees nuts in your face, right.

32:03 Drew That was a good setup, though.

32:04 Adam No, I realized...

32:06 Andy Dick He should have got to it.

32:07 Adam You had to cue him. I had to cue him because he kept saying... I knew it when he went... You don't remember her. Her name was Dees.

32:14 Drew Do you remember Dees?

32:15 Caller Do you remember Dees?

32:16 Adam Do you remember the name Dees? And I realized he was wanting us to ask what her last name was. And that's when I knew a joke was coming up. But listen, Drew has such a fear of coming off like an idiot, of coming off like he has an attitude. Right, that if you want to corner him and not have him focus on your bogus call, all you have to do is accuse him of being rude or insensitive.

32:40 Drew That's right.

32:40 Adam It immediately goes on the defense. And you know what you do? All that energy that you use toward trying to suss out, bogus calls, all gets turned in on yourself. And he can run wild around you.

32:52 Drew Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a great strategy.

32:53 Adam Me who doesn't care, per se, how people think of him, at least you underlings, and you know who you are out there, the people that don't matter. People that clean up my garbage, put my makeup on, and that kind of stuff. The little people, you call them, Drew off the air.

33:08 Drew He's just a dick.

33:11 Andy Dick You are an a-hole.

33:12 Adam Thank you. Yeah. No, I'm all right. I'm a nice guy. But I don't pretend to like everybody.

33:17 Caller I mean, come on.

33:18 Adam Anna?

33:19 Hi.

33:21 Adam You're 16. What's up?

33:22 Caller Okay. The thing is, on Friday night, I had sex with my boyfriend and the condom broke.

33:31 Drew Four days ago, right?

33:32 Caller Yeah, four days ago.

33:33 Drew Why didn't you take the morning after pill?

33:36 Caller He was really nervous because then we had like a special occasion we went to. And he didn't want to ruin my night. So, he was just like, he was like all like torn up and like.

33:46 Drew Hang on a second. Do we need a reenactment here?

33:48 Adam No.

33:49 Drew Let me ask you again then. Why didn't you take the morning after pill?

33:52 Caller Because I didn't know that it broke and he didn't tell me.

33:55 Drew I see. When did he tell you?

33:57 Caller He told me this afternoon.

33:59 Adam What was the special occasion? Just because it'll be funny.

34:02 Caller It was a dance.

34:04 Adam A dance. So, he was getting to have sex with you before the dance?

34:08 Caller It was the night before.

34:09 Adam I see. All right. He didn't want to freak you out by telling the condom broke.

34:13 Drew Well, here you are. Now, we got to get the pregnancy test in a couple weeks.

34:15 Adam Yeah.

34:17 Caller But I got my period last Sunday.

34:19 Drew Oh, good. Okay.

34:20 Caller So, is there any possibility at all?

34:24 Drew Not zero because sometimes bleeding can be a threatened abortion or even a miscarriage or a tubal pregnancy, but provided that your cycle sort of follows its normal pattern, it's probably just that, your cycle.

34:35 Adam Would bleeding be a tubal pregnancy three days, four days later? That sounds too soon.

34:41 Drew It's awfully soon, yeah.

34:43 Adam I'm no gynecologist, but I've seen a hell of a lot of porn and I cannot believe that that would be a tubal pregnancy. Anna?

34:50 Drew Relax.

34:51 Adam Yeah.

34:51 Caller Okay.

34:52 Adam And tell that idiot boyfriend of yours, if the condom breaks next time, to go ahead and raise a hand.

34:57 Caller Oh, yeah. I kind of, I told him.

35:00 Drew Emergency contraception.

35:01 Adam And how about you get on the pill if you're being sexually active?

35:03 Caller Yeah, I'm planning on it.

35:05 Drew Good idea.

35:06 Caller Thank you.

35:06 Adam All right. So, good times, baby.

35:08 Drew I went to the library and just pulled, randomly pulled some data.

35:10 Adam You went where?

35:12 Drew The place where computers and books are kept, medical information.

35:15 Adam Oh, books. Oh, the house where books are. Yeah, you know, I never, they call it library, but it doesn't have a book in it. So it's like, what? What is it? Yeah, that's what, he always confuses me. Go ahead, college boy.

35:25 Drew I was gonna say library, he knows what I'm talking about.

35:27 Caller Go college boy.

35:29 Drew And I pulled some just random emergency contraceptive articles and they were so crystal clear that they had not to show no good evidence that it's impaired implantation. Then I went around and pulled a bunch of data on birth control pills. Good evidence that it does impair implantation.

35:44 Caller So you're saying that the morning after pill is even less of an abortion than birth control pills?

35:51 Drew I misstated that.

35:51 Adam Thank you.

35:52 Drew Good evidence that the birth control pill causes the precise same changes as the morning after pill.

35:57 Adam Yes. All right. Well, we'll get into that next Sunday, I believe, right?

36:02 Drew Yep.

36:02 Adam Little, we're going to have a big show down here for morning after pill night. Sunday night, Andy Dick is our guest tonight. He is from the Andy Dick Show. Tuesday nights, 10.30, MTV. And repeated quite a bit on the weekends. And whenever there's a slot that is open, you will find Andy Dick. Very good show, by the way. I didn't know what to expect. I knew Andy was funny, but I didn't know what to expect on the show. I've seen a handful of them and every bit I've seen has been good.

36:33 Drew You should make a movie.

36:35 Andy Dick Yeah, we're trying. We're thinking.

36:37 Adam All right, we're all going to take ourselves. And we say where. You mean you and your penis? Or who's where?

36:42 Andy Dick Who?

36:42 Adam You and a couple of guys?

36:43 Andy Dick Me, yeah. Some of the writers. Okay.

36:46 Adam Yeah, you could put me in the Andy Dick show, you know.

36:49 Andy Dick I would love it.

36:49 Drew Yeah? I was good enough to be a pilot.

36:51 Andy Dick Yeah, he was in the pilot. You were in the first five minutes.

36:54 Drew Oh, fun.

36:55 Adam Yeah, I like to do stuff myself.

36:57 Drew I would love it.

36:58 Adam Yeah, I got range. I play sleepy and nappy. We'll take a little break. Be back with Andy Dick.

37:43 Caller Oh, there's a good riff.

37:45 Adam What band's that?

37:48 Drew Tri Blots.

37:49 Adam Sum 41? Did you say Sum or Sum?

37:52 Drew SR Sum.

37:53 Adam No, Sum 41. Well, that's a good riff. I like that. I haven't either, but good times. Andy Dick's our guest tonight. He is the star of the Andy Dick Show, Tuesday nights, 10.30, MTV. Doing quite well, thank you.

38:06 Andy Dick Thanks.

38:06 Adam First season, how many are you gonna do?

38:09 Andy Dick Well, we just did six and we still have to get picked up.

38:14 Adam Oh, they'll tell you.

38:15 Drew Yeah, the evening of the night that the...

38:18 Andy Dick They want us to go into production the next day, right?

38:21 Adam Yeah, MTV...

38:22 Andy Dick The evening of the night that it's due for...

38:24 Adam Do you have a date that they have to tell you by?

38:26 Andy Dick It's three months after we deliver the last show.

38:30 Drew Figure out what day that is.

38:31 Andy Dick And we're delivering the last show tomorrow, three months after tomorrow.

38:34 Drew That's the day.

38:35 Andy Dick That's the day they'll tell us.

38:36 Drew That's the day. About 5:30 p.m. Specific time. Yeah, that's right. Andy, Andy.

38:41 Andy Dick Seriously, right? But you know what? I'm not attached either way. You know, I've done shows and, you know, news radio and the Ben Stiller Show and a couple that didn't even make it at all. Get Smart.

38:54 Drew It isn't you?

38:56 Andy Dick Yeah, but you didn't even make it.

38:57 Drew The Gadget, Inspector Gadget.

38:59 Andy Dick No, that was a movie.

39:00 Drew Oh, I'm sorry.

39:01 Adam How dare you, Drew? This is a good show, but.

39:05 Andy Dick I'm just used to it. You know, I'm used to things just getting canceled. What were you gonna say?

39:09 Adam I was gonna say, you know, you're doing a lot of the writing on this show, right?

39:13 Drew Yeah.

39:14 Andy Dick Oh, I have seven writers and they're awesome.

39:16 Adam But you have.

39:17 Andy Dick Miller and Green and.

39:18 Drew Who is the guy?

39:19 Andy Dick Aaron and Ross.

39:20 Drew This is the guy, the big guy.

39:21 Andy Dick Paul Henderson. He wrote on it.

39:24 Adam You have to do a fair amount.

39:25 Andy Dick Craig Doyle, John Matta.

39:26 Adam Fair amount of writing.

39:27 Andy Dick Scott Thomlinson. Well, how we do it is there's seven writers. We all get in a room and we throw around ideas. I say, I say yes, no, yes, no. Actually, there's a lot of no's. It's like no, no, no, no, no, yes. That's funny. The boogeyman.

39:43 Adam Do you ever go yes, no, no, no, no? Or is it always no, no, no, yes? Either way.

39:50 Andy Dick Either way, there's a lot of no's.

39:51 Adam Because I just moved my chair if I wanted to be the yes guy. I just slided a few chairs.

39:54 Drew Smart, smart.

39:55 Adam So yeah, but you write, you direct the thing and you're in it. And it's a lot of work.

40:01 Andy Dick Yeah, it really is. I've never worked harder in my life.

40:04 Adam So I'm saying it's hard. You know, when you're right.

40:07 Andy Dick I was wiped out. That's why I'm not attached. If the thing doesn't go, great. I'm going to Bora Bora.

40:13 Adam Yeah, that's the way I feel.

40:14 Caller Thank you.

40:15 Adam Brian.

40:17 Caller My wife is six months pregnant.

40:20 Caller I want to know for how long can we have sex?

40:22 Drew Singlet, one child.

40:24 Caller Huh?

40:24 Drew It's a singlet.

40:25 Adam Yeah.

40:25 Drew One child. And any complications in the pregnancy?

40:28 Adam No. Singlet and then it goes to twins or is it doublet?

40:31 Drew Twins. I see. You can sometimes go all the way to the end there.

40:35 Adam Drew's wife delivered C-section, so he had sex while she was delivering.

40:40 Andy Dick Dr. Drew, when you say go all the way to the end, do you mean you can always go in the back door?

40:46 Drew No, no.

40:46 Caller Yeah.

40:46 Andy Dick But you can.

40:47 Caller That's what I read.

40:48 Andy Dick You can do that all the way up to the end.

40:49 Drew Yes, but I think you could have vaginitis, of course, in most cases.

40:52 Andy Dick All the way to the end.

40:53 Caller Virtually to the end.

40:54 Drew There are different theories about that. But that's...

40:56 Adam Yeah. Then isn't it...

40:58 Drew What's that sound? I don't know.

40:59 Adam Isn't it a little weird?

41:00 Drew Back door.

41:01 Adam Or is that just me?

41:02 Drew That's just you.

41:03 Adam Really? It's not?

41:04 Drew The child is actually seeing your pain.

41:05 Adam You're a passionate, passionate, passionate man. But when the woman's belly is that full with child, and you're sort of getting on top of it, I don't know. Does she get on top of you?

41:15 Drew What's the position?

41:16 Andy Dick No, I think you go from behind.

41:17 Drew My wife turns around no matter what.

41:19 Andy Dick Really?

41:20 Adam Well, everything turns you on, Drew. You're a passionate, passionate man.

41:23 Caller Doc, move your hand. I'm going down.

41:25 Adam I can squeeze another 10 minutes oral sex out of this for the kid crowns. Yeah, that was true. We actually mic'd him up in the dressing room. He had a few Budweiser's, and he's going down on his wife while she was delivering. Got a mouthful of placenta. Hey, Brian?

41:41 Caller Yeah.

41:42 Adam All right, so good times, buddy.

41:43 Caller Good times, good times.

41:44 Caller All right.

41:45 Adam I bet that not... I don't know. Can't you just get some oral sex or something for the last month?

41:52 Caller Yeah, that's what we've been doing.

41:53 Caller Okay.

41:54 Adam You're fine. That's good. And that mama giving you a BJ is a little weird, too.

41:58 Caller I don't know.

41:59 Adam Drew, I may just be weird about this one, and Andy, I don't know where you land on this, but when a woman is really with child that way, it seems weird to have sex with them. It's like you're banging mama.

42:11 Andy Dick I have a lot of issues with it.

42:12 Drew You do?

42:13 Andy Dick I'm not with the women that I've actually had kids with.

42:16 Drew Yeah, men get very weird about it.

42:17 Andy Dick I weirded out and never went back.

42:19 Drew When kids-

42:19 Adam I freaked out. Well, yeah.

42:21 Drew Was it the having the kid part?

42:22 Andy Dick It was the having the kid part.

42:23 Drew See, a lot of them complain that the guys stop having sex with them after they've had a kid, and because-

42:27 Andy Dick It happened to me. I never went back. Yeah.

42:29 Drew That's something that came out of there.

42:31 Andy Dick I tried, I tried valiantly. I really did, but I just couldn't muster it up.

42:38 Adam Well, is it because you now saw them as a mother instead of a woman, and instead of your lover?

42:45 Andy Dick I saw them as franken.

42:48 Drew I'm not sure if you can say that. That's not one of the eight words, that's one of the seven words.

42:51 Andy Dick No, that was a one word. That was a made up gibberish word. Franken, because it rips, and then I see that thing rip, or they cut it with scissors, like cutting a New York flank steak, or strip, or whatever.

43:10 Drew You watched that, huh?

43:11 Andy Dick A London broil with scissors.

43:13 Drew That's the noise in that, too, isn't it? I watched it.

43:15 Andy Dick It's even worse. It's like a juicy, it's like cutting into a steak.

43:19 Adam Were you there? Drew, please.

43:22 Andy Dick I'm getting sick thinking of it. And then afterwards, I watched the doctor sew it up, and the doctor one time, I don't remember with who, turned to me and said, would you like it a little tighter?

43:32 Adam No way.

43:32 Andy Dick I swear to God. Yeah, they think they're very funny. I wasn't even sure if he was being funny. Would you like it a little tighter? And it's all sewn up with black thread, and it looks like a franken.

43:43 Adam Oh, I'm not sure we're allowed to say that word.

43:47 Andy Dick It's a made up word. I just made it up.

43:49 Adam Yeah, I know, but I could tell you.

43:54 He's all mad.

43:56 Adam Alright, I've spread the video cameras out.

43:59 Caller Let's get busy.

44:00 Caller What the hell?

44:02 Drew Who is that?

44:04 Adam I think it's me.

44:05 Drew I have a belief that some guys, first of all, they get fearful of that region. I just freak out about that area. When something comes out of it, I think the action on some weird subconscious level will feel like something's going to suck them back in. I think guys get a weird thing like that.

44:18 Andy Dick Maybe.

44:18 Adam If anyone could have that fantasy, it'd be Andy.

44:21 Drew I also think the whole mom thing is just too much for me.

44:24 Andy Dick For me, I think it's a lot.

44:25 Adam Drew, can I make an argument here for just one second? I've said this before. I think Andy could have benefited from this. We're living in very progressive times. We're in California. The man is supposed to do a lot of the parenting and be a compassionate partner. Now the guy's supposed to be in the room, holding the hand, standing there, helping deliver the child, watching them make the...

44:49 Andy Dick Biting the cord...

44:50 Adam .a episiotomy cut, watching them sew it up again. And as you know, that can be a post-traumatic stress disorder.

44:59 Drew I bet that should be studied. No one's ever studied. Does that adversely affect relationships? Andy is...

45:04 Adam It did for Andy, and I think it would for me too. I mean, the woman doesn't even see that. I'm wondering if a woman saw a version of that on a male, how excited she'd be about jumping back in the sack with him. See his ass rip open, a bunch of blood and cords and stuff come out of it. I mean, it's really like something out of Alien, the birthing process.

45:28 Caller Now, that's etched in your mind.

45:29 Adam Andy, you close your eyes, you'll see that again, right?

45:31 Andy Dick I saw it. Yo, I can see it right now. I don't even need to close my eyes.

45:35 Adam You should have been...

45:36 Andy Dick I see Franken.

45:37 Adam Yes. You should have been... There's got to be a better word for that.

45:41 Andy Dick It's perfect.

45:41 Drew Franken-volva.

45:42 Adam Franken-crunch.

45:43 Drew Franken-crunch.

45:43 Andy Dick Franken... I like mine.

45:45 Adam You should have been in the waiting room with the cigars pacing with Fred McMurray.

45:50 Drew Right?

45:51 Adam Not in there.

45:53 Andy Dick That is how it was in the 50s. There must have been a reason. I should have been out there with Fred McMurray.

45:57 Drew I wonder what other primate... What we did in the wilderness.

46:01 Andy Dick Dean... What were those other Disney guys?

46:03 Drew Dean Jones.

46:04 Andy Dick Dean Jones. I should have been out there with Dean Jones.

46:06 Drew That darn cat.

46:07 Andy Dick Yeah. Pacing around.

46:09 Drew Love bug.

46:10 Adam Eve.

46:10 Andy Dick Eve.

46:11 Adam You're 22.

46:12 Andy Dick Then I shouldn't have looked at it until the stitches were removed.

46:15 Adam That's right.

46:15 Andy Dick Franken.

46:17 Adam Eve.

46:17 Crotch.

46:18 Adam Eve, you're 22. What's up?

46:21 Caller I've been seeing this guy for over two years and I think he has some kind of a problem having intercourse and needs to be in sight.

46:32 Adam Two years? Have you had sex with him?

46:33 Caller No, never.

46:34 Drew Have you gotten close?

46:36 Caller Very close, but he won't even let me take off his pants or he won't take off his pants.

46:44 Adam Is he a religious guy?

46:47 Caller Mildly religious, but not very religious.

46:49 Adam Do you feel an erection through his pants when you're messing around?

46:54 Caller I think, but he's like, I don't know, he backs off once.

46:58 Drew We wonder if there's something anatomically.

47:01 Adam I do something that rhymes with backed off. But it's a little different. Hey, Eve?

47:06 Caller That's what I'm thinking, maybe he can't.

47:08 Adam Well, hold on.

47:09 Andy Dick Have you ever seen his penis? Have you ever seen his penis?

47:12 Adam Don't answer that. Thank you. Thank you. We got to take a break.

47:15 Andy Dick Why can't she answer that?

47:17 Adam I just want to leave a little suspense before we hit the break. But all right, we're going to get to the bottom of this. How old is he quickly? He's 26.

47:24 Andy Dick He's got a Frankenkopf.

47:26 Adam He's old enough.

47:27 Drew He's got issues.

47:28 Adam We will take ourselves a little break. Eve, you hang tight. Yes, 26. Andy Dick is our guest tonight. We'll come back and we'll figure out what's up with this guy. We won't have sex with Eve for two years.

47:39 Andy Dick Get him to call in.

47:41 Adam All right. Good idea. After this.

47:45 Loveline will be right back. So get your problems ready. Ready.

48:26 Adam Yep, more Loveline. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. I'm Adam Carolla, that's Dr. Drew. Andy Dick is our guest tonight. You can find him on MTV Tuesday nights at 10.30.

48:38 Caller Tee hee hee.

48:40 Adam The Andy Dick Show. Andy's got himself 18 months of sobriety.

48:46 Drew Yeah, 22 months.

48:47 Andy Dick 22 months, yeah.

48:48 Adam Oh.

48:49 Andy Dick 22 months.

48:49 Drew Year and 10 months.

48:50 Adam Oh, year and 10 months. So I thought, year and 8 months, and I did some bad math there. But wow, that's pretty good.

48:57 Drew Yeah.

48:57 Adam Coming on.

48:58 Andy Dick For someone like me, that's-

49:00 Drew That's not so much comory as now.

49:01 Andy Dick It's a miracle. Yeah, my brain chemistry is evening out.

49:05 Adam Yeah.

49:05 Andy Dick And caffeine isn't good for me.

49:06 Adam How often do you go into meetings?

49:10 Andy Dick Not as often. I should live in them. I should set up a cot full time in an AA meeting.

49:15 Drew But I don't know. You're still with your therapist?

49:17 Andy Dick I haven't seen him in a while. I know. Because I was working so hard.

49:21 Drew Sponsored?

49:22 Andy Dick Yeah, I have my sponsor. But I go, at the least, I go once a week. That's the least.

49:29 Adam You're going to AA?

49:30 Andy Dick Yeah, but come on, it's anonymous.

49:32 Adam Oh yeah. CA?

49:34 Andy Dick It's all anonymous.

49:35 Adam Okay.

49:35 Drew The tradition is. I didn't realize you didn't go.

49:37 Adam SA?

49:38 Drew Oh, that would be good for you. But I should. I didn't realize you didn't get along with John Lovett.

49:42 Andy Dick No, no. We get along now. Did he say we didn't?

49:45 Drew No, it says here in a little note.

49:47 Adam Didn't like working with John Lovett last season of News Radio.

49:51 Andy Dick That's not true.

49:51 Adam That's not true. It isn't?

49:52 Andy Dick No, we get along.

49:54 Adam Oh, really?

49:54 Andy Dick I was having a bad year. Very bad year.

49:57 Adam I see.

49:57 Andy Dick Yeah, he's a nice guy. He is. He's a nice guy. I ran into him recently and I apologized and he's a very nice guy. He really is.

50:06 Adam Seems that way. I wish he was a prick though. You could tell us a good story about him.

50:11 Andy Dick Everyone can be a prick.

50:12 Adam All right. Oh, Chris Catan?

50:14 Andy Dick You too. I don't even want to.

50:16 Adam All right.

50:19 Andy Dick He almost killed a whole studio.

50:20 Adam Really?

50:21 Andy Dick Well, Monkey Bone was like an $80 million movie. Yeah. You know what movie did better?

50:26 Adam Oh, Monkey Bone.

50:28 Andy Dick It's gone. Cirque du Soleil, the documentary, did better than Monkey Bone, which is an $80 million laugh riot with animation and effects.

50:40 Adam Was it?

50:41 Andy Dick It was supposed to be like a Roger Rabbit, but it only did like $3 million.

50:44 Adam Right.

50:45 Andy Dick $80 million to make that almost, that could kill a studio.

50:48 Adam Brendan Frazier is in there?

50:49 Andy Dick Yeah.

50:50 Adam Yeah.

50:51 Andy Dick It's because of Chris Catan.

50:53 Adam It came out a couple of months back, but it just came and went. It was like a weird Tim Burton kind of-

50:59 Andy Dick Oh, yeah. You know what? I didn't see it. It could be the best movie ever. I don't know. I like all this stuff, Tim Burton. He could be a really nice guy. I just didn't like his vapid, empty impression of me on Saturday Night Live. I didn't like that. In fact, I did an impression of Tom Green, but only because I was asked to, because the writers came up with this thing and I did it for a second. It was funny. It was cute, but it was more like an homage. I wasn't making fun of him. It was like an homage. I heard through the producer, because he also produced the Tom Green show, that Tom Green loved it, said he hates Saturday Night Live's impersonation of him. Because it's mean-spirited and empty and they don't put any work into it. When they do somebody, they slap a wig on and then just do some voice. For me, it's like, oh my God, oh my God, I'm so gay. With a blonde curly wig.

51:54 Adam That's pretty good. All right. No, wait a minute. But is that Chris Catan's fault or is it the writer's fault or is it everybody's fault?

52:04 Andy Dick You know what I mean?

52:04 Adam Is all the blame fall on his lap?

52:07 Andy Dick There is no blame. He just did a bad impersonation. Some people would think it was good.

52:12 Drew He seemed like a pretty nice guy when he was up there.

52:13 Andy Dick He's a nice guy. I'm sure he's a nice guy. I am not mean-spirited. I don't do that kind of humor. That's Second City. I was from Second City, but that mean-spirited Saturday Night Live making fun of people. I'm not into it.

52:30 Drew Now, I know Andy, you're not mean-spirited, but I've heard you choose a few choice words when you're singing about Chris Contessa.

52:36 Andy Dick Now, because he opened the floodgate. When somebody's mean to me or crosses me, I go berserk. I wish I wouldn't. I wish I wouldn't have even given him any power whatsoever.

52:48 Adam Well, he's got monkey business, so.

52:50 Andy Dick Monkey bones. No one even knows the title of the movie. Eighty million dollars down the drain, buddy. Thanks, Catan.

52:57 Caller Eve.

52:59 Caller Yes.

53:00 Adam Eve, you're 22.

53:01 Drew Yeah.

53:01 Adam What's up?

53:03 Caller Like I was saying.

53:04 Drew So she had the boyfriend that she never sees.

53:07 Adam That's right. He's 26.

53:09 Caller He's 26.

53:11 Adam It's been two years that you've been with him?

53:14 Caller I've been seeing him. He's not like really my boyfriend, but we, you know, get together and hang out and go out.

53:20 Adam He's not your boyfriend?

53:21 Caller Huh?

53:22 Adam Two years you guys have been dating?

53:23 Caller Not like it's complicated with him because we don't really go out very much. I go to his house and we hang out and end up drinking and...

53:35 Adam Yeah, I wonder. So he's not seeing anybody.

53:38 Caller He's not seeing anyone else. I've seen one other person in this time period because we're not really doing anything at that time.

53:48 Drew Could he be gay?

53:49 Adam Is he a virgin?

53:51 Caller No, he doesn't really talk too much about his sex life.

53:55 Adam How do you know? Maybe he is a virgin.

53:56 Caller Well, he says that he's been with this one girl for sure I know he's been with. And then another one he had a long-term relationship with. And I think he was with her too, but I'm not positive.

54:10 Adam Might he be bisexual?

54:14 Caller I've never seen any signs of it. Some people say.

54:17 Drew Wait a minute.

54:17 Adam Some people say.

54:19 Caller Some people say they don't know him and I tell them my problem.

54:22 Drew Eve, wait a minute, wait, wait, wait, listen.

54:24 Caller They're like, is he gay?

54:25 Drew Listen, for us to begin speculating is a waste of time. You need to go to the source and sit down and have a real conversation with him.

54:35 Adam Is that a gay bar?

54:36 Drew What's the source? It's an oracle down near the Coronado Hotel. Oh, she's in New Mexico. What disturbs me most about this call is that you've been a friend for two years and never had a conversation with him about important issues.

54:49 Adam Wait a minute, please. Do you make out with him every time you see him?

54:53 Caller Yeah.

54:53 Adam You do. You kiss passionately.

54:55 Caller Yes.

54:56 Adam And then what?

54:58 Caller And then a lot of times he'll take off like most of my clothes or all of my clothes.

55:06 Adam All of your clothes. Yeah. And what does he do to you?

55:09 Caller And he'll like, you know, touch me and things like that, but when I've tried to...

55:16 Adam Has he ever given you an orgasm?

55:18 Caller Yes.

55:19 Adam With his hands?

55:20 Caller Yes.

55:20 Adam Has he ever done any oral sex on you?

55:22 Caller He suggested it and I am.

55:25 Adam How did that work? He had his attorney come in and give you some documentation, ask you to sign it, have your attorney look it over. What do you mean he suggested it?

55:33 Caller He just asked me if I wanted him to and I said I didn't want him to. I didn't feel comfortable if I couldn't do anything back because he doesn't let me do anything.

55:41 Adam And he keeps his pants on?

55:43 Caller Yes.

55:44 Andy Dick He's bisexual.

55:47 Adam There's a couple of options here. He's either really freaked out about religion, which I don't think is the problem.

55:53 Drew Female.

55:54 Adam Gay.

55:54 Drew Gay.

55:55 Adam Gay or he has something wrong with his private parts.

56:02 Andy Dick Or all of the above.

56:03 Caller Impotence is like really rare for someone his age, right?

56:07 Drew You'll scratch that one off your list. That's not what we're talking about.

56:10 Caller He's accused that he can't.

56:13 Drew He can't what?

56:14 Caller He's drunk.

56:15 Drew Can't what?

56:15 Caller He can't have intercourse when he's.

56:18 Adam All right.

56:19 Drew Something is very, very wrong here.

56:21 Adam Why don't you just find another guy?

56:23 Caller I've never heard that excuse before.

56:25 Adam Find another guy. This is going to ruin you as a female.

56:29 Andy Dick How old are you?

56:30 Adam She's 22.

56:31 Andy Dick Oh yeah, get rid of him.

56:32 Adam Baby, you got your whole life ahead of you. All right? Okay. All right, just stop it. Women really, I mean, as a guy who's trying to have sex with a woman, we don't take it real personally when they want to have sex with us. We assume they don't want to, and we're just grateful that there are those who will.

56:47 Drew That's right.

56:48 Adam But when a woman is with a guy, and she's like trying to get into the barn for a number of years, and he ain't letting her in.

56:54 Drew That's bizarre.

56:55 Adam And it's going to screw with her mind. Just move on. She's naked, he's got his pants on, he doesn't want her down there. Something's going on with him, and in a big way too. I mean, Drew is a passionate, passionate man, you'll attest to that.

57:09 Drew I think in a vagina.

57:11 Adam Yeah.

57:12 Drew Or some micro phallus or something.

57:17 Adam That was my nickname in high school. Yeah, micro phallus. That's a good name for a superhero.

57:22 Andy Dick Hey, micro phallus.

57:24 Adam Micro phallus.

57:26 Andy Dick Micro phallus.

57:27 Adam Cindy?

57:28 Caller Yes.

57:28 Adam You're 22?

57:29 Caller I am.

57:29 Adam What's up?

57:31 Caller My boyfriend and I have been going out for well over a year, and he's just, he's very sensitive, and he has a problem with premature ejaculation.

57:41 Andy Dick This is the exact opposite problem as the other girl, right? Well, the other one, she can't even get, can't even get the guy to stick it in her. This girl, pop, I'm done, honey.

57:53 Caller Yeah, well, we want to know how to make it last longer because it bothers both of us.

57:57 Andy Dick But how long does it last?

58:00 Caller Well, it depends on how long he...

58:02 Andy Dick A minute, 30 seconds, five minutes?

58:04 Caller Well, I'm not sure if he just let it, if he didn't try to hold it back.

58:07 Andy Dick What's the longest? Five minutes, two minutes?

58:12 Caller No, well, if he, there's sometimes, like if he's not in the mood, it can last...

58:15 Andy Dick Give me a number, lady.

58:17 Drew What's the longest?

58:19 Caller Maybe 10 minutes.

58:21 Andy Dick That's not bad.

58:22 Caller That's not bad.

58:22 Drew She's probably overestimating.

58:24 Andy Dick But that's probably if he's stopping and...

58:26 Caller Right, he has to stop and, you know, and and then it's like but then it's like it's really annoying for me because then I start to get off and then he stops and I'm like, Oh, so yes, I mean the good news here is that he's very turned on by you.

58:41 Adam That's very much in love with you.

58:42 Andy Dick Yes, just can't hold it back.

58:45 Adam Although he could be humping a hole in the piece of plywood and he'd probably go about an eight minutes. So, I mean, let's face it, Drew, you know, guys, anatomy.

58:54 Drew That's the clock.

58:54 Adam He does.

58:55 Drew That's his clock.

58:55 Adam No, he is. He really likes you, but he really likes everyone too. Just look at it that way.

59:01 Drew So how does a guy lengthen his clock?

59:04 Adam You did say clock.

59:04 Drew Yes.

59:05 Andy Dick He masturbates, right?

59:06 Drew A lot.

59:06 Andy Dick You have to masturbate, masturbate, masturbate. What if he really wear it down? Took care of himself. Get calluses on that thing.

59:12 Adam Right. What if he took care of himself?

59:14 Caller Try different stuff. He's not really into masturbating, actually.

59:17 Andy Dick Well, that's the problem.

59:20 Drew He needs to be responsible as sort of managing himself. Really, that's the idea. He owes that to you.

59:28 Adam Yeah. That's not an acceptable excuse. I'm going to come in three minutes yet. I don't feel good about masturbating. It's now his job because of this problem. All right?

59:42 Caller So, that's the only way?

59:44 Adam Well, he'll grow out of it in about 20 years. Yeah, about 20 years.

59:49 Drew But he's got to figure out his sort of rhythm and how, you know, he's got to unload things a little bit.

59:54 Adam He's got to work it out.

59:54 Drew Unburden the system.

59:55 Adam Yes. Andy, what can I put you down for a day as far as the masturbation goes?

1:00:01 Andy Dick With my girlfriend.

1:00:03 Drew No.

1:00:03 Andy Dick When we're doing well, I don't even masturbate.

1:00:06 Adam Why?

1:00:07 Andy Dick I really don't. We don't have time. Sometimes we have sex. I mean, hold your hands up. What's the record?

1:00:14 Caller How many?

1:00:16 Andy Dick I thought we had a record of like 10. No, we're talking about how many times a day.

1:00:20 Adam Holy Christ.

1:00:21 Drew To orgasm each time?

1:00:22 Andy Dick Six?

1:00:23 Drew Andy?

1:00:23 Andy Dick Yeah.

1:00:24 Adam Six orgasm.

1:00:25 Andy Dick Sometimes it will be like in a row.

1:00:26 Adam In a row?

1:00:27 Andy Dick I'll wait a little bit, I'll wait a half hour, and then right back in.

1:00:30 Adam Six in a row, really?

1:00:31 Andy Dick But I'm just an addict. I can't get enough of anything.

1:00:34 Adam But what about when things aren't going so good with you and your lady?

1:00:38 Andy Dick I mean, masturbation maybe once a day, or twice a day.

1:00:44 Drew If you want to tear?

1:00:45 Andy Dick Yeah, I can just go and go. Manic face. It is a tear, because I'll tear my penis up. I mean, I will till it's bleeding.

1:00:54 Drew Adam bleeding, really?

1:00:55 Andy Dick Yeah, I've done that.

1:00:56 Drew Adam pulled his off once. He had to sew it back on, just like the pees the other day. Yeah, I said, do you want to make a little snugger?

1:01:01 Adam I found porn came out.

1:01:02 Andy Dick Fank and dick.

1:01:03 Adam When I realized it came out on DVD, that's the night I pulled my penis off.

1:01:08 Drew Jenna Jameson was up here. She was very moved by his homage.

1:01:13 Adam Yeah. Give us your personal record for the day, high school included. What do you think?

1:01:18 Drew Lost count.

1:01:19 Adam What do you think?

1:01:20 Andy Dick I don't know, five or 10.

1:01:23 Adam Five or 10?

1:01:23 Andy Dick Is that low?

1:01:26 Adam I expect you as a 12, 13 man.

1:01:28 Andy Dick Yeah, maybe. No, I need a lot of stimulation. That's why I prefer just to go right for the sex. I don't even-

1:01:36 Adam You're not a foreplay guy?

1:01:37 Andy Dick No, I mean, I'm talking about as opposed to masturbating.

1:01:39 Adam I see.

1:01:40 Andy Dick I have my girlfriend here and- Right.

1:01:43 Drew She's not humiliated by this conversation.

1:01:45 Adam Sex is good, it's just not the real thing. I mean, it's the way I look at it.

1:01:49 Andy Dick You really like masturbating, don't you?

1:01:51 Adam That's my thing.

1:01:52 Andy Dick You love it. That's why you don't have a girl. Do you have a girlfriend?

1:01:55 Adam Yeah, some people like kids. I prefer having sex.

1:02:00 Andy Dick I prefer having sex.

1:02:01 Adam Well, that's you. Whatever, dude.

1:02:05 Nothing makes a good porn-o-movie.

1:02:07 Caller Have fun having sex with a young model girlfriend.

1:02:10 Adam Teach yourself.

1:02:12 Andy Dick I also don't like blowjobs.

1:02:14 Caller Oh, Andy, be careful, be careful.

1:02:16 Drew I bet don't. Really?

1:02:18 Adam Is that true?

1:02:19 Drew No, no, he didn't say anything.

1:02:20 Adam Don't like blowjobs?

1:02:21 Andy Dick Andy, are you gonna get upset?

1:02:23 Adam Yeah, I'm a little upset.

1:02:25 Andy Dick I think I've had too many.

1:02:26 Drew Oh, Andy.

1:02:27 Andy Dick I'm just over it.

1:02:28 Adam Really? I'm over it.

1:02:29 Andy Dick What are you gonna do? I don't mind getting me going that way, but then I want to get into it.

1:02:35 Adam Yeah, I see. Yeah. No, I know you're a passionate, passionate man like Drew is. A lot of guys that are really, I think the hornier you are, the more you've got to put your penis into something, and that if you're getting oral sex, that's all well and good, but if there's a vagina in the room that's attached to the mouth that's giving you oral sex, you've got to get it into the vagina.

1:02:54 Andy Dick I've got to get in there. I've got to get in there.

1:02:57 Adam Right. I like the BJ. That's me. That's me.

1:03:01 Andy Dick You prefer that.

1:03:03 Adam No, I'll mix it up, but I certainly will enjoy that.

1:03:07 Caller Yeah.

1:03:09 Adam But I'm Gemini, so we like BJs.

1:03:12 Andy Dick Oh, I see.

1:03:13 Adam It says it right in the book. Melissa?

1:03:15 Drew What has my life come to?

1:03:16 Caller Well, I'm Capricorn and I like to give them.

1:03:18 Adam Oh, really? Yeah. There we go, baby.

1:03:21 Drew I'm feeling much better now.

1:03:23 Andy Dick You're the next contestant.

1:03:26 Caller First of all, Dr. Drew, about a month ago, you told a young lady that I was okay if she wanted to skip her period. She was on the pill and then she could just skip her sugar pills and go right through and not have her period.

1:03:38 Drew What I said was that some doctors are advocating this. I'm not comfortable with this and certainly somebody could do it for a cycle, no problem.

1:03:46 Caller Well, I did it and I have had complications.

1:03:49 Drew What happened?

1:03:49 Caller Well, for about three weeks now, I've been bleeding lightly.

1:03:54 Drew Yeah.

1:03:55 Caller Okay.

1:03:56 Caller When I was supposed to start my period, I kept taking the pills and I started and it's just been a slow period ever since.

1:04:02 Drew That's called mid-cycle bleeding.

1:04:04 Caller Yeah.

1:04:05 Caller Then I was also curious.

1:04:06 Drew That's not a complication. That's just part of taking the pill.

1:04:09 Caller Well, then I guess I'll just have my period.

1:04:12 Drew Which pill are you on?

1:04:13 Caller I'm also tri-cycling.

1:04:14 Drew Yeah. I don't think the tri-cyclic pills should be taken that way. It's the monophasic pills.

1:04:19 Caller Okay. Okay. And well, I was concerned. Can I get pregnant if I'm on the pill and say I miss it? Because I... And if I do, will taking a pill cause me to have a miscarriage?

1:04:30 Drew No. The pill will not hurt the child. However, getting pregnant having an egg meet a sperm while you're on the pill may impair implantation.

1:04:39 Adam All right. We got a big Andy Dick fan here.

1:04:42 Andy Dick Oh, there.

1:04:43 Adam There we go. That'll come. I'm dead. Yeah, you're 17. What's up? What's going on?

1:04:47 Caller Hey, Andy.

1:04:48 Andy Dick What's happening?

1:04:49 Caller Huge fan, man.

1:04:50 Andy Dick Oh, thanks.

1:04:51 Caller Like, awesome fan.

1:04:52 Andy Dick Oh, good.

1:04:53 Caller Thanks. I heard like a while back that you were going to be playing over here in LA.

1:04:57 Andy Dick Yeah, I do a lot, actually. I was at the knitting factory last night.

1:05:01 Caller Oh, last night?

1:05:02 Andy Dick Yeah, last night. I was at the knitting factory. Do you know where that is?

1:05:05 Caller Yeah, it's over here in the sunset, man.

1:05:07 Andy Dick Yeah, it's on Hollywood Boulevard in the Galaxy Six, where the movie theaters are on the side. But the thing is, is that they didn't say my name. It was a bunch of performance artists, and it was called like LA. All-Star Performance Artist, and they didn't list our names, so not a lot of people knew.

1:05:23 Caller Yeah, because I saw you over here on some show. I think it was some other show, and I think you really freaked them out, man. I don't know if I could say the name of the show on here.

1:05:31 Andy Dick The Mint?

1:05:32 Caller No, it was on TV.

1:05:34 Andy Dick Oh, you can say a name of a show.

1:05:35 Caller Go ahead. I was like, you were on Donnie and Marie, man.

1:05:38 Andy Dick Oh, yeah, I showed Marie Osmond my ass crack.

1:05:40 Caller You really freaked them out.

1:05:41 I spread it for her.

1:05:43 Caller I have that on tape over here.

1:05:44 Andy Dick I know. There's a camera angle where I'm sure you can see my nuts act angle in there.

1:05:48 Adam Didn't he show me his penis or something?

1:05:51 Drew Yeah.

1:05:51 Adam Who showed me his penis?

1:05:52 Drew Very first time, very first season. I love live TV.

1:05:54 Adam Oh, that's right.

1:05:55 Andy Dick What is that? That's some kind of psychosis where I have to show things to people. What is that?

1:06:00 Drew I'm working for the same production company. The Men of Formara is the same group. It is.

1:06:04 Andy Dick Do they talk about it?

1:06:05 Drew I'm going to get you over there. No, but as soon as I bring you up tomorrow, it will happen.

1:06:08 Andy Dick But they probably have a tape because there was a camera angle that showed-

1:06:12 Drew Your nuts act.

1:06:12 Andy Dick My nuts act dangling down and I spread. Not only did I just take my pant, and I like Donnie and Marie. I grew up watching Donnie and Marie and I love them. Not only did I show her my butt, but I spread my cheeks. Why would I do that? That is, when I look at it now, I think it's crazy.

1:06:27 Adam Why don't you like BJs? I mean, there's a lot of psychosis.

1:06:30 Andy Dick It's not that I don't like them.

1:06:31 Drew I just prefer them. What was going through your head as you...

1:06:35 Adam It will not soon be forgotten.

1:06:36 Drew I don't know.

1:06:36 Andy Dick I wanted to freak her out. I'll tell you what, I used to be in love with Marie Osmond.

1:06:40 Drew There you go.

1:06:40 Andy Dick I used to be in love with her.

1:06:41 Drew Let me just put this way, Andy.

1:06:43 Andy Dick I used to kiss the TV screen.

1:06:44 Drew Yeah. Did you ever, you ever gone to the zoo and stood around the chimpanzee cage or some of the lower primates and watched them interact with each other?

1:06:54 Andy Dick Watch them finger themselves?

1:06:55 Drew They will throw poo.

1:06:57 Adam Yeah.

1:06:57 Andy Dick Oh, are you saying I'm an ape?

1:06:59 Drew They will show their butts to each other.

1:07:00 Adam I said lower primate.

1:07:02 Drew And there are primate qualities to each of us.

1:07:05 Andy Dick And I just let them out. They tend to come out when the cameras are on, on a national television show.

1:07:11 Drew Yeah. And some of those old primitive feelings you had about Marie just expressed themselves.

1:07:15 Adam Well, you were sober, though, right?

1:07:17 Andy Dick I was sober.

1:07:18 Adam Now, when you were getting high, when you were getting high, were you high on a lot of shows?

1:07:23 Drew No. No, Andy.

1:07:24 Andy Dick No, I really wasn't.

1:07:24 Drew You were never not high when you were really getting high.

1:07:27 Andy Dick No, no, no, no. On shows like this, I think I would come in high, but this isn't a real show. Well, I think I came in here with beer. You saw me drinking beer in my cup.

1:07:39 Adam First he insults me with the BJ comment. Yeah.

1:07:42 Andy Dick I didn't insult you with the BJ comment.

1:07:44 Adam How dare you?

1:07:45 Andy Dick You insulted me.

1:07:46 Adam I'm looking at your beautiful girlfriend over there. She's heartbroken over that comment.

1:07:50 Andy Dick I know what you're thinking.

1:07:51 Drew You should leave. What are you talking about?

1:07:52 Andy Dick I know what you're thinking. But honestly, I wasn't-

1:07:54 Adam There's some girls who like giving oral sex, by the way.

1:07:57 Andy Dick I was hung over a lot, actually. Hung over. I wouldn't have been able to meet- what?

1:08:01 Adam No, I'm just moving on.

1:08:03 Andy Dick What's he saying? What's he saying?

1:08:05 Adam Ron.

1:08:06 Caller Yeah.

1:08:07 Adam You're 22.

1:08:08 Caller Yeah.

1:08:08 Adam What's up?

1:08:10 Caller I've been married to my wife for about a year now.

1:08:13 Drew 22? Sounds 44.

1:08:15 Andy Dick Right. Yeah, he sounds old.

1:08:18 Caller We did a lot of stuff. We know we've done just about everything. We started anal sex lately. Sure. Now, she's bleeding pretty bad.

1:08:25 Drew Hey, we got to go to break.

1:08:26 Caller All right.

1:08:28 Adam What do you got to do? Take a leak?

1:08:29 Caller Yeah.

1:08:30 Andy Dick Don't hang up. Don't hang up.

1:08:31 Adam Andy, you into the anal or is that?

1:08:33 Andy Dick I can't talk about it.

1:08:34 Caller Okay. That's good.

1:08:35 Adam You like that. Listen, the freakier a guy is, the more he's into that.

1:08:39 Drew Hold on, Ron.

1:08:39 Adam Hold on, Ron.

1:08:41 Caller All right.

1:08:41 Adam Keep her off the sofa though.

1:08:44 Caller All right.

1:08:45 Adam I'm not going to ruin that.

1:08:46 Caller Hang on.

1:08:46 Adam Andy Dick is here. Anal Andy Dick is here.

1:08:49 Andy Dick Don't call me that.

1:08:50 Adam That'd be a good nickname for you though.

1:08:51 Andy Dick Anal Andy.

1:08:52 Adam Anal Andy Dick is in the-

1:08:54 Drew Anus and Andy.

1:08:55 Caller Anal Andy Dick in the hizzy.

1:08:58 Adam Yeah, that's good. Dr. Drew, the passionate, passionate man and BJ Ace Rockolla is over here. So we'll take a little break. We'll get back with Ron and his bleeding rectum after this.

1:09:41 Caller Hello, this is the Mango from the Saturday Night Live. And you did listen to the Loveline with the Adam Corolla suss and the Drew man with the ass. No, you can't have me.

1:09:55 Caller No mango for you.

1:09:57 Adam Oh man, that is funny. That never gets old. That dude is a talent. Talent, capital T. That's talent there. Let me get that katana back on the show. Oh, by the way, Andy Dick here. Don't Blow Me Andy Dick is here. Ain't no Andy Dick.

1:10:16 Caller God.

1:10:19 Andy Dick Don't Blow Me.

1:10:20 Adam Is the name of the show is the Andy Dick Show, Tuesday nights, 10.30 on MTV. And this is a nice opportunity, I think. I think those of us who have seen Andy doing sketch work and ensemble work and sort of in a place where Andy is free to be Andy, appreciate him more in that realm than we do in a sitcom realm. This man is a talent and needs to be cut loose.

1:10:48 Drew Andy, serious director, I'm telling you. Yes. I am serious.

1:10:52 Adam And the show is really funny.

1:10:54 Drew Listen, somebody's got to cut you loose on one because they'll get some great back.

1:10:57 Andy Dick Yeah, I'm going to direct some films.

1:10:59 Adam And that again, it'll be found on MTV. MTV is a little, because we're on MTV for a while, they move you around a little bit. I mean, they'll give you your night and then you may pop up at four in the morning on Saturday night or you may be at noon on Sunday. Now, is your show because of content not run during the day?

1:11:18 Andy Dick What they do is there's the 1030 show, and by the way, they've pulled things three hours before we've gone to air. So we've had to satellite things, you know, that whole process. They've pulled whole pieces because of content, even though it was going to air after 10 o'clock. But they make a G version, a G rated version of the show before 10 o'clock. So there's some things that you might only see one time only. Well, no, you'll see it one time on Tuesday at 1030 and then you'll never see it again.

1:11:54 Drew You and Bing John Malkovich?

1:11:56 Andy Dick Yeah, but they just used stock footage of me at an MTV event actually, just clapping my hands in the audience. Remember when they had the big puppet show?

1:12:04 Drew Yes.

1:12:04 Andy Dick And the very end when they used life size puppets?

1:12:06 Drew Yes.

1:12:07 Andy Dick And I was just, they just cut to me and Winona Ryder just clapping.

1:12:10 Drew I see.

1:12:10 Andy Dick And I was in the audience not knowing that they had used this stock footage and I was watching myself and I saw myself and everyone laughed, but they were really like laughing at me. Like, look at that idiot. And then I laughed and then I went, wait a minute, and it was surreal and depressing.

1:12:29 Adam Thanks for bringing that up though, by the way, Drew, in the middle of this explanation.

1:12:33 Andy Dick Thanks a lot, buddy.

1:12:33 Adam What do you add, ADD over there, Drew? But in the middle of explaining that you may only see something at 10.

1:12:39 Andy Dick You'll only see it one time and then what they'll do is they'll take that piece out and replace it with something that you've seen before, like what they've done with the Tom Green piece. They've done that. They put that in a bunch.

1:12:50 Adam Right.

1:12:50 Andy Dick Or the Marilyn Manson piece, which he loved it, by the way. Marilyn Manson, I did him and he loved it. He loved it. I went up to his house and showed him in person and he loved it.

1:13:00 Adam Well, you did? How do you know him?

1:13:03 Andy Dick I run into him here and there.

1:13:05 Adam You got a lot of celebrity friends, right?

1:13:07 Andy Dick I just run into them. But no, I mean, I know I don't hang out with them. I don't hang out with Ben Stiller.

1:13:14 Adam You always say that, but then you got celebrity friends.

1:13:18 Andy Dick When push comes to shove and I really wanted my show to do well, I called in my favors because it's the Andy frickin Dick show. I'm not going to just sit on my laurels here. This is a one-time opportunity, once in a lifetime.

1:13:33 Caller The anal anal dick show.

1:13:34 Andy Dick My name is in the frickin title.

1:13:36 Drew How do you feel about it?

1:13:37 Adam Hey, Ron?

1:13:38 Caller Yeah.

1:13:39 Adam You're 22 now.

1:13:40 Caller Yeah.

1:13:40 Drew All right.

1:13:41 Adam So you had some anal with your wife.

1:13:43 Drew Now she's bleeding, right?

1:13:44 Caller Yeah.

1:13:44 Drew How long has she been bleeding for?

1:13:47 Caller It's just after we do it for like, I don't know, maybe an hour or so.

1:13:52 Adam Well, then you fall asleep. She keeps bleeding though.

1:13:54 Andy Dick Can I ask you something? Does she like it? Not the bleeding part, but does she like it while you're doing it?

1:14:00 Caller To a certain point, but I don't think she does. I think it's more or less for me.

1:14:03 Andy Dick Yeah. She's like, take it out.

1:14:04 Drew Hurry.

1:14:05 Andy Dick Are you almost done? Are you almost done?

1:14:07 Drew Yeah, it's not good. Hurry. Don't you think that the fact that she's bleeding is a sign that maybe-

1:14:12 Adam Well, let's do a little recreation. Andy, let me play along. Hold still, baby. You're going like this.

1:14:17 Andy Dick Okay. Just hurry.

1:14:19 Adam Just try not to talk.

1:14:20 Caller You're going to make me lose my wood.

1:14:21 Andy Dick Okay.

1:14:24 Caller Here we go. Nice and soft.

1:14:25 Andy Dick Did you put stuff on it?

1:14:27 Adam Nice and easy.

1:14:27 Caller Take it out.

1:14:28 Adam Take it out. Hold still.

1:14:29 Caller Take it out.

1:14:30 Caller Hold still.

1:14:34 Adam It's coming back out. It's coming out. Hand me the remote. Bitch, you're on the remote. You're going to break it in half. All right. Now get down there with your mouth and clean me off.

1:14:52 Caller Oh, unacceptable.

1:14:54 Drew Oh my God.

1:14:54 Andy Dick Where are you? Who are you?

1:14:57 Drew Ben, can I finish talking to him?

1:14:59 Andy Dick Yeah.

1:14:59 Drew He's cracking the old ass up.

1:15:02 Andy Dick He wasn't.

1:15:03 Drew Look at him.

1:15:03 Andy Dick That's the secret, the real him. That's the real Adam Carolla.

1:15:08 Caller Look at him.

1:15:12 Adam I just got a little glimpse of my life.

1:15:14 Is that real?

1:15:16 Adam Yeah. That's my angle.

1:15:19 Andy Dick Take it out. Take it out. Take it out.

1:15:20 Adam Take it out.

1:15:21 Caller Take it out.

1:15:27 Caller You want to talk to Ron anymore?

1:15:29 Drew Yeah, I do. By glimpse of your life, you mean you're simulating Anel Sarkin.

1:15:32 Adam Yes, with Andy Dick on the radio. That's what I mean.

1:15:35 Drew Yeah. You think you feel bad.

1:15:37 Caller Yeah.

1:15:38 Adam My poor family. I hope my grandmother's not listening.

1:15:42 Drew All right.

1:15:42 Adam Are we done with Ron?

1:15:43 Drew No, I'm not done.

1:15:43 Adam What's he got to do with it? All right. Hurry up now.

1:15:45 Drew Hi, Ron.

1:15:46 Adam My ass hurts.

1:15:48 Drew Anytime anyone has rectal bleeding, it's time to get a gastroenterologist, take a look and have a scope done. She needs to have it checked out. In the meantime, you got to stop doing this. You can really hurt her. It could be all kinds of things. It could be inflammatory bowel disease, could be a tear, could be fissures, could be various hemorrhoids.

1:16:05 Andy Dick Fissures? What in the heck is that?

1:16:09 Drew If you caught it.

1:16:10 Andy Dick Fissures. That doesn't sound good. No.

1:16:12 Drew None of it's good.

1:16:12 Andy Dick Fissures. Is it a fissures disease?

1:16:15 Drew No.

1:16:16 Andy Dick Do fissures get them?

1:16:17 Drew Fissures in the earth, fissures.

1:16:19 Andy Dick Oh, fissures.

1:16:21 Adam Yeah. Things open up and stuff comes out, right?

1:16:24 Andy Dick I thought it was a disease called fissures.

1:16:28 Adam We should take this simulated side of me on the road. Yeah, we really should.

1:16:33 Andy Dick Well, you like it.

1:16:34 Adam I enjoyed that.

1:16:34 Andy Dick I don't know how much.

1:16:35 Drew The spoken word stuff you do, stand up.

1:16:37 Andy Dick Yeah.

1:16:37 Drew There you go.

1:16:38 Adam Yeah.

1:16:39 Andy Dick If you want.

1:16:40 Adam Playing the part of the dry anal rapist, Adam Corolla. Thank you. David.

1:16:48 Drew Hello?

1:16:48 Andy Dick Oh, he's asleep. Hello?

1:16:51 Adam Hello?

1:16:52 Drew David?

1:16:53 Caller Yes.

1:16:53 Andy Dick Are you there?

1:16:54 Caller Yeah, I'm here.

1:16:55 Andy Dick Hey, buddy.

1:16:55 Adam What an effort. What's happening?

1:16:57 Caller Not much.

1:16:59 Caller I just have some question to ask you.

1:17:00 Caller What do you prefer, oral or sex?

1:17:03 Adam Who are you asking?

1:17:04 Caller Adam.

1:17:05 Adam We've been covering that.

1:17:06 Andy Dick We just talked about that.

1:17:07 Caller That's what I was hearing about.

1:17:08 Caller I was wondering what you think about it.

1:17:09 Adam I like to mix it up, but I'm a bigger fan of the oral than most guys are, I suspect. Although you and my partner, Drew, Andy, you guys admittedly have a problem with sex. I mean, you're very passionate man, both of you.

1:17:23 Andy Dick Oh, yeah.

1:17:24 Adam Very passionate.

1:17:24 Andy Dick We have a problem, meaning we like it a lot. We do it.

1:17:27 Adam Well, I mean, it's like I said earlier. When the penis is out and there's a vagina in the room, it wants to go into the vagina.

1:17:33 Drew That would be act of nature. I've been right. Right.

1:17:37 Adam Right.

1:17:37 Drew Yeah.

1:17:38 Andy Dick And an addict, I want to feel get get that high. You know, when you come, you know, it's like a little bit mini drug.

1:17:46 Caller Yeah.

1:17:46 Andy Dick So I just can't get enough.

1:17:48 Caller Right.

1:17:49 Andy Dick Sickening.

1:17:51 Adam Fawn. You're 17. What's up?

1:17:55 Caller My sister's fiancee made a pass at me.

1:18:00 Caller He actually wasn't through words, though. He actually put his hands on me.

1:18:04 Drew Where?

1:18:05 Caller Um, he actually grabbed my test. And then he told me that he'd been waiting to do that all day.

1:18:10 Drew How old is he?

1:18:12 Caller He is 22, I think.

1:18:14 Drew I'm telling your mom. Tell your mom. Tell your dad.

1:18:18 Adam No, dad's not around.

1:18:19 Andy Dick No, you're thinking you should tell your sister?

1:18:22 Caller Yeah.

1:18:23 Andy Dick Why not?

1:18:24 Caller They've been together for about five years and they have a kid together.

1:18:28 Adam And now what happened? Were you guys drinking or just hanging out?

1:18:32 Caller No.

1:18:33 Caller We were just hanging out.

1:18:34 Adam And he was sober, huh?

1:18:35 Caller Uh-huh.

1:18:35 Adam And where was she?

1:18:37 Caller My sister?

1:18:38 Adam Yeah.

1:18:39 Caller She was back at home because they lived down in Eugene.

1:18:43 Andy Dick And you weren't into it.

1:18:44 Adam Where were you? He was at your house?

1:18:46 Caller Yeah. He had brought his son up to visit and me and him had gone out.

1:18:50 Adam He has another son or is that her son?

1:18:52 Caller It's my sister's son.

1:18:54 Andy Dick How old are you?

1:18:55 Caller 17.

1:18:55 Andy Dick Oh, yeah. That's right.

1:18:56 Adam He's got a way of wording things by his son.

1:18:58 Andy Dick Were you into it?

1:18:59 Caller No.

1:19:00 Andy Dick No. Did you tell him, I'm not into it?

1:19:02 Caller Well, not really because I got really, you know, it threw me off and it made me really nervous.

1:19:08 Drew Hey, don't be alone with this guy ever again.

1:19:09 Caller Well, yeah.

1:19:10 Drew I think you got to tell your mom because if you go directly to her sister, she's going to make it to your problem.

1:19:14 Adam What happened, though, when he did this?

1:19:17 Caller He, we were just like, Alright. We were driving back from downtown.

1:19:22 Drew With the kid in the car?

1:19:23 Caller No, no. The kid wasn't with us.

1:19:25 Adam And he made a move and did you stop him?

1:19:28 Caller Yeah.

1:19:28 Adam Alright. So you stopped him and nothing else happened?

1:19:31 Caller Well, no. When he was leaving again later on, he did it again.

1:19:37 Adam And then what happened?

1:19:38 Caller And then I, you know, did the same thing I did before, but I didn't really say anything to him.

1:19:42 Adam You just pushed his hand away?

1:19:44 Caller Yeah.

1:19:44 Caller And I got really quiet because I didn't know what to say to him.

1:19:47 Adam And there was no other interaction?

1:19:49 Caller No.

1:19:49 Adam Okay. So you did the right thing.

1:19:51 Caller Yeah.

1:19:52 Caller Right?

1:19:53 Adam And that was good. Means you probably weren't victimized before. No one ever, someone rape you or do something bad?

1:20:01 Drew That's why this guy knew to do this.

1:20:03 Adam What happened before?

1:20:05 Caller Well, I was raped about eight or nine months ago.

1:20:09 Adam Who raped you?

1:20:11 Caller Just the guy that I was dating.

1:20:13 Adam Yeah. What about before that?

1:20:17 Caller See, that's another thing that I wanted to ask Drew about, is if it's possible to have been abused in any way at a very young age and not remember it.

1:20:27 Drew Yeah, that's possible.

1:20:28 Caller Oh, yeah.

1:20:29 Adam Where's daddy?

1:20:30 Caller He's around, but we're not close. We don't really talk.

1:20:33 Caller Yeah.

1:20:34 Adam How's mom?

1:20:35 Caller She's cool.

1:20:36 Adam Is she cool? Like, let's you smoke her weed cool or good parent cool?

1:20:41 Caller No, no, she's a pretty good mom, but, you know.

1:20:43 Adam Okay. And your sister's got herself hooked up with a real champ.

1:20:48 Caller Yeah.

1:20:48 Adam I kind of wonder about her a little bit. How's she doing?

1:20:51 Caller Well, I don't really know her that well. She's only my half-sister.

1:20:56 Adam Oh.

1:20:56 Drew Who was her dad?

1:20:59 Caller Just another one of my, because my mom had two husbands.

1:21:03 Adam Another great decision made by your mom, perhaps?

1:21:06 Caller Yeah.

1:21:07 Adam This guy's a world class A hole, not in the scene?

1:21:09 Caller Her dad, yeah.

1:21:11 Adam Yeah. He may have done some bad things.

1:21:13 Drew Yeah. Probably.

1:21:15 Adam Probably. Oh, boy. I agree with Drew. Talk to your mom.

1:21:19 Caller Yeah.

1:21:19 Adam She shouldn't get married to this guy. On the other hand, someone ought to shoot a dart filled with noreplanta in her arm so she doesn't get pregnant again. Because she's going to, how many kids?

1:21:34 Caller Just one.

1:21:34 Adam Just one?

1:21:35 Caller Yeah.

1:21:36 Adam That's a boy?

1:21:37 Caller Yeah.

1:21:37 Adam How old is he?

1:21:38 Caller He's almost two.

1:21:39 Adam All right. That's enough. You got to talk to your mom, see what you guys think.

1:21:44 Caller Thanks, you guys.

1:21:44 Adam Yeah. Talk to your mom, would you?

1:21:46 Caller Yeah.

1:21:47 Adam Because guys like this are so goddamn brazen. You know what I mean? I mean, it's the middle of the day. It's an underage, you know, like I understand.

1:21:58 Drew It's a family member.

1:22:00 Adam I understand the cheatin gene. Most guys have that. And that's why, frankly, most guys shouldn't be getting married at 22 or 23 or whatever he's getting married at. But he had himself a kid and he got himself locked in early. He doesn't know what to do. All right. I understand that. But it's not like he's in Iowan business and having a couple of cocktails at the Red Roof Inn and some hooker comes by and sits there next to him. That's not cheating, by the way, Drew. That's just business.

1:22:26 Drew I'm taking notes.

1:22:26 Adam That's a write-off. But when you're trying to goose your fiance's kid sister's underage, it's the middle of the day, you're grabbing a boob while you're driving in the pickup truck, everyone's stone cold sober. No excuse for that. This guy's in. If this guy is brazen enough to try that move, look out.

1:22:44 Drew Yeah. That's just it.

1:22:46 Adam This guy's not what you call discreet. Right. And get his hand pushed away.

1:22:51 Drew Do it again.

1:22:52 Adam And try it again. I mean, think about that. And think about a guy who doesn't give a rat's ass about the sister. Like, for all he knows, she's going to pick up the phone as soon as she gets home and call the sister before he even makes it back to Eugene. That's crazy.

1:23:05 Caller Yep.

1:23:06 Adam Could you imagine if you ever did make that first move with the kid's sister and she like slapped your hand, you'd be like, you want some ice cream? You want some money? I'll swing by the ATM.

1:23:14 Caller Are you cool?

1:23:15 Adam Are we cool? Everything's cool, right? You got a kid. We got a kid, right? Everything's cool. Sorry. You know, I'm on medication. I'm sorry. You guys want anything? We'll stop by. We'll stop by like a Bullocks. I'll pick you up in a smart smart pant outfit or something.

1:23:28 Caller Okay.

1:23:29 Adam This guy just tries again. All right. We'll take ourselves a little break. Andy Dick is here. Ain't no Andy Dick. What?

1:23:38 I don't like that.

1:23:39 Drew Anus and Andy, he likes that.

1:23:41 Adam Anus and Andy Dick is here tonight. David Alan Greer will be in here tomorrow night to-

1:23:46 Andy Dick He's funny.

1:23:46 Drew I like that.

1:23:47 Adam He is very funny.

1:23:48 Andy Dick We did a movie together in the Army now, remember?

1:23:51 Adam Oh, really?

1:23:51 Andy Dick Yeah. He's funny.

1:23:53 Adam Yeah. He is a funny guy.

1:23:55 Andy Dick How's his new show?

1:23:56 Adam I haven't seen it.

1:23:57 Drew I've seen it. It's good.

1:23:58 Andy Dick It's funny. Yeah, because he's funny.

1:23:59 Adam But here's the whole thing. It's the same thing I'm saying about you, and the same thing I'll say about David and sitcoms. A sitcom could never be as funny as they are. It can't really be done on network. All right. We'll take a break. We'll be back.

1:24:15 Love Line with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

1:24:45 Adam Loveline, Adam Corolla, Dr. Drew over there. David Alan Greer, our second favorite guest after Andy Dick is going to be in here tomorrow night. These, as I've said all week, are two funny guys who are actually funny. You don't find, I think that's David Alan Greer.

1:25:01 Drew Yeah, funny and smart and creative.

1:25:03 Adam Yeah. You don't find a lot of funny guys who are actually real funny, especially when they come on this show, and he'll be in here tomorrow night. Looking forward to that.

1:25:11 Andy Dick He's funny.

1:25:12 Adam Brian Herda, the race car driver, will be in here on Wednesday night for race car driver. Yes. Yes. There you go. And Andy Dick is here tonight, of course, from the Andy Dick Show, Tuesday nights, 10.30, MTV.

1:25:26 Drew And he is committed to putting both of us on his show.

1:25:29 Adam Well, and I-

1:25:30 Drew You're his pilot and you're very rangy.

1:25:33 Adam Very, very well done show. Very funny show. And Drew, please stop me if I'm out of bounds here. But we have a lot of people, I have a lot of shows on this show and I don't say a lot about them, right?

1:25:45 Drew No, and listen, when somebody who is a comedian comes on this show, for you to say something positive is a-

1:25:53 Adam Oh, I'm not that competitive, how dare you. Joe? Hey. You're 21, what's up?

1:26:00 Caller What's up is that I have this friend who's straight, right? He's a guy and I'm gay. And we haven't known each other that long, about a month, right? He's been dating this girl for three years. She meets me and then like the next couple of days she tells him that she's intimidated by me because he's in the closet and I have a crush on him and she wants him to explore his bisexuality. So then he tells me and now I'm just freaking out and I don't know what to do because I like him and I like spending time with him.

1:26:27 Drew Anybody follow that? Are you interested in him romantically?

1:26:30 Caller Oh yeah.

1:26:30 Andy Dick Yeah, but wait.

1:26:31 Drew Why does it freak you out?

1:26:33 Andy Dick She is encouraging him to follow his, what she thinks is his bi tendencies.

1:26:39 Caller Exactly.

1:26:40 Andy Dick But does he think he has those? Does he agree with that?

1:26:43 Caller Well, he told me that he thinks it's trendy to be bisexual and he asked me already, did I think he was cute and somewhat it's cool.

1:26:50 Drew This is not bisexual. This is bye bye.

1:26:52 Adam What? He's saying bye bye to heterosexuality.

1:26:56 Andy Dick No, it's not. Bye, bye, bye to what? It's not always that black and white.

1:27:00 Adam Goodbye. Bye heterosexuality.

1:27:02 Andy Dick No, it's not that black and white.

1:27:04 Adam Are you still buying now that you're sober?

1:27:06 Andy Dick I'd prefer not to talk about my sexuality.

1:27:09 Adam I see.

1:27:10 Andy Dick He's bisexual.

1:27:12 Drew I believe Andy refers himself as tri-sexual.

1:27:14 Andy Dick Yeah, I'll try anything.

1:27:16 Adam But you're mainly heterosexual now, right?

1:27:19 Andy Dick Yes.

1:27:20 Adam Who wouldn't be with that girlfriend of his?

1:27:23 Andy Dick Yeah, but the thing is that I was even talking to her about this. The door was opened for me a long time ago, and I've never been able, it would be like going into Scientology to try to close it and try to become straight. I'm not interested in doing that.

1:27:39 Adam Forgive me, but is that-

1:27:40 Andy Dick Do you know what I'm saying?

1:27:41 Drew No.

1:27:41 Adam Is that the back door? Which door?

1:27:44 Andy Dick No, I've never had anybody enter the back door.

1:27:46 Drew Yeah, his behind is intact.

1:27:48 Andy Dick Ever.

1:27:48 Adam I was in here like 20 minutes ago, wasn't I?

1:27:50 Andy Dick My bussy is-

1:27:53 Adam Your behind is still intact?

1:27:54 Andy Dick My behind is still intact. I'm not-

1:27:58 Adam Okay, good times.

1:28:00 Andy Dick No, but seriously, do you understand what I'm trying to say? I have, you know, I've had, I've experimented and I've had thoughts and I'm not interested in trying to close that door.

1:28:10 Drew Yeah, but you would fit our bisexual profile. Joe's buddy fits our bi-bisexual profile.

1:28:16 Andy Dick No, no he doesn't.

1:28:16 Caller Wait, what does that mean? I don't understand.

1:28:18 Andy Dick No, no, no, they're speaking too quickly I think. What, see, have you guys done anything?

1:28:22 Caller Oh no.

1:28:23 Andy Dick Honestly.

1:28:24 Adam Has he ever done anything with a guy?

1:28:25 Andy Dick Has he made a pass with a guy?

1:28:26 Caller I don't know. I don't know. He said stuff to me that's made me wonder.

1:28:29 Drew Like what?

1:28:30 Caller Like how he'll tell me how when he was younger, he used to party with all his friends that were guys and we'd just party and then we'd, and then he'd look at me and he'd go, you know, and he'd start laughing and I'm like, well, I don't know what he's talking about.

1:28:40 Andy Dick Well, how old is he now?

1:28:41 Drew And he wants to know if you think he's cute.

1:28:43 Caller He's 20. Uh-huh.

1:28:44 Andy Dick When he was younger.

1:28:46 Caller Yeah. He just turned 20.

1:28:47 Adam Well, let's put it this way.

1:28:48 Drew If your girlfriend is saying, hey, get out of here, you're gay.

1:28:51 Adam If he was straight, do you think he'd be doing any of this?

1:28:54 Drew No.

1:28:54 Adam Telling you you're cute and whatnot.

1:28:56 Caller Why would he even tell me what his girlfriend said?

1:28:58 Andy Dick Well, he's definitely bi. That's my thing. I think he's bi.

1:29:01 Caller I'm not hanging out with you anymore.

1:29:03 Adam All right. Well, listen, hey, Joe, Joe Blow, can you make a move on him then?

1:29:09 Caller How?

1:29:10 Adam I mean, well, listen, this guy doesn't have delicate sensibilities. Why don't you just give him a couple of wine coolers and see where the road leads?

1:29:18 Caller I guess so, but the girlfriend never gives us, well, she does.

1:29:22 Adam Well, she does. She's a mess, this one, by the way. She's a screwball.

1:29:26 Caller I agree, I agree.

1:29:27 Adam Well, you hate all women.

1:29:29 Caller Of course, but that is unusual.

1:29:31 Andy Dick What happened to you that you think that made you gay? I'm just curious.

1:29:35 Caller Oh, I know what happened.

1:29:36 Andy Dick What happened?

1:29:36 Caller My dad left when I was three.

1:29:39 Andy Dick No.

1:29:39 Caller Yeah, I mean, come on. And I never had a dad.

1:29:41 Adam Was your mom domineering?

1:29:43 Caller And I was always looking for daddy everywhere else, but never had him.

1:29:47 Andy Dick Then you found him.

1:29:48 Caller Yeah, exactly.

1:29:49 Adam Is your mom-

1:29:49 Andy Dick In your behemoth.

1:29:50 Adam Is your mom very domineering?

1:29:53 Caller Not really. She gives me a lot of space, but-

1:29:56 Andy Dick But did somebody, you know, did somebody fill that void, so to speak, early on, like when you were like seven and-

1:30:03 Caller When I was like three, I had like my best friend, I probably had a crush on him too, like around the same time the dad left.

1:30:08 Drew Did, because you were searching around like that, were you taking advantage of it, Ian?

1:30:11 Andy Dick Yeah, that's what I'm asking.

1:30:12 Caller I don't really know, quite honestly, because I feel that maybe that did happen, but there's no way for me to know for sure. All right.

1:30:19 Adam Well, I had that.

1:30:20 Drew Joe, are you a sexually abused?

1:30:22 Andy Dick Well, remember, we talked about it. We got into that.

1:30:23 Drew I don't want to get into it.

1:30:24 Andy Dick I forgot. It's boring.

1:30:25 Adam Yeah.

1:30:26 Drew Well, that's where that's addict-

1:30:27 Adam You forgot about that?

1:30:28 Drew Yeah. Addict plus sexual abuse equals sexual addiction.

1:30:32 Adam Yeah.

1:30:32 Drew No, sexual addiction.

1:30:33 Andy Dick Sexual addiction. There we go. That's me. Write it up. Put it in the paper.

1:30:38 Drew I will.

1:30:39 Adam Put it in the paper.

1:30:40 Drew Well, I'll get you rid of that.

1:30:42 Adam Drew, let's not get melancholy with 10 minutes left in the show, please.

1:30:45 Drew Melancholy?

1:30:46 Adam Jeff, well, you're talking about sexual abuse and addiction and all that.

1:30:51 Andy Dick No, it's just the facts. I'm not sad about it.

1:30:54 Adam Yeah, good times.

1:30:55 Drew It's good times.

1:30:56 Caller Yeah.

1:30:59 Adam Jeff, you're 31, what's up?

1:31:01 Caller Yeah, I just wanted to-

1:31:02 Adam Well, hold on. Let me ask Andy a question. Seriously, you keep the door open to guys.

1:31:09 Andy Dick I didn't say that. I'm just saying it's impossible to close.

1:31:13 Adam Me or Drew? That's what I'm saying. I mean, you have a type. Do you know what I mean?

1:31:18 Andy Dick Neither of you two.

1:31:20 Adam Really?

1:31:20 Drew Yeah, we're two.

1:31:22 Adam Come on, buddy.

1:31:23 Drew Yeah.

1:31:24 Adam What?

1:31:25 Andy Dick Are you going to say that?

1:31:26 Drew We're two old.

1:31:26 Adam Yeah. But if you had a type, what would you go for? You know what I mean?

1:31:31 Andy Dick I just, I don't know.

1:31:32 Adam Does personality factor in? You see, that's the whole thing about with gay guys. A sense of humor? Who cares?

1:31:38 Caller Shut up.

1:31:39 Adam Go to the gym.

1:31:40 Andy Dick That's what it's like with you, with women.

1:31:42 Adam Then you too.

1:31:44 Andy Dick No, but I am lucky because I did find a smart, beautiful girl here.

1:31:48 Adam Yeah, but okay, let me.

1:31:49 Andy Dick And she's smart or she wouldn't be with me.

1:31:53 Adam Okay. But listen, here's the other thing. Your girlfriend is 21. She's a model. She's very, very beautiful.

1:32:01 Andy Dick The most beautiful.

1:32:02 Adam She's very beautiful.

1:32:03 Andy Dick She's the most beautiful. She is. Hey, hey, hey. Okay.

1:32:07 Adam The point is, she is attracted to you.

1:32:10 Caller You are getting a little semi.

1:32:12 Adam I'm attracted to her, I really am.

1:32:13 Andy Dick You're getting a semi. You know, both of you are wearing your pajama bottoms.

1:32:16 Adam Hold on. Let me make.

1:32:17 Drew These are flannel pants, I'll have you know.

1:32:19 Adam Let me make my point.

1:32:19 Andy Dick Yeah, that you wear when you go to bed.

1:32:20 Adam Andy, please let me make my point. She is attracted to you because you're talented, because you're funny. She thinks you're cute, but that's all factored into your personality, your talent. She appreciates your work.

1:32:34 Andy Dick She likes my personality hanging between my legs, buddy.

1:32:37 Adam That's why she is attracted to Andy. Now, when a gay man is attracted to another man, it's not because... Go look at the pinup calendars, Blue Boy and all those other cult roundup. Drew, don't stop me if I keep going here. The point is, they're not going for a guy's personality. They're going for a guy's ass and abs.

1:32:59 Andy Dick That's what I'm saying. You'll see two guys holding hands and they're just old guys.

1:33:03 Adam They're both a mess and they know they can't do any better. That's all I'm saying.

1:33:08 Andy Dick I'm just saying it's not always black and white.

1:33:10 Adam The gay version of your girlfriend is not with you. She's with a young, hunky, tan. She's with a version of her.

1:33:19 Andy Dick No. You see what I'm saying? Yeah.

1:33:20 Adam Thank you. She's nodding her head over there. She doesn't know what I'm talking about.

1:33:23 Andy Dick I know what you're talking about, but I don't agree. I think that they have that.

1:33:26 Adam Why should you?

1:33:27 Drew You're not gay. You're bisexual anyways.

1:33:28 Andy Dick Right. No, but I think they have men who do go just. Know that who would go for personality.

1:33:34 Adam Yeah. I think not many of them, but they may be out there.

1:33:37 Andy Dick But what was the point of this guy?

1:33:38 Adam I don't know.

1:33:39 Drew The point is we have to go to break.

1:33:40 Adam All right. We'll be back. Yep, it's Loveline, I'm Adam Corolla, it's Dr. Drew. David Allen Grier, tomorrow night, everybody, our second favorite guest to the guest we have tonight, Andy Dick, everybody. Tuesday nights, 10.30, MTV. Watch this show and praise it. It will make Andy feel good. And it is a very, very good show.

1:34:36 Drew It is worthy.

1:34:37 Adam And Andy, we both have a special place in our heart for you, and always love it when you come on this show. And it would be honored if you'd have either one of us on your show.

1:34:47 Andy Dick I'll put you both on.

1:34:49 Adam Thank you very much. So until next time, this is Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew saying, Mahalo.

1:34:54 Andy Dick On shows like this, I think I would come in high, but this isn't a real show.

1:35:00 This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors or this station. The producer for Loveline is Anne Wilkins Dinggold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Monday, April 2, 2001