Episode 1000754887152

1:02 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised. Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew Loveline, Coast to Coast.

1:14 Adam It's Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla, and that is Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1, fax number 310-8-5-4-44-55, Dr. Drew's Board Certified Physician, pen addiction medicine specialist. All right, tonight, no guest, just the way we like.

1:29 Drew Yeah, this way we like it, huh?

1:31 Adam More room for me and my beautiful microphone.

1:33 Drew And you had it in your phlebitis.

1:36 Adam In my phlebitis?

1:37 Drew Yeah.

1:38 Adam Is that what comes out of my ass?

1:39 Drew That's, well.

1:41 Adam So someone who plays a flute would be a flautus?

1:44 Drew Phlebitis-er.

1:46 Adam A phlebitis-er? And if I play my ass, I'm a phlebitis? All right. There'll be none of that. I don't feel anything coming on tonight.

1:52 I'm sorry.

1:54 Adam I'll see if I can swallow some air, though. Let me see what I can do.

1:58 Drew That's.

1:59 Adam Oh, that was good air. Yeah. All right. We're going to hop on the phones, and we're going to burn through some calls. I'm saying we get through three in the first hour.

2:07 What do you think?

2:08 Adam Tim? You're 14?

2:10 Caller Yep.

2:11 Adam What's up?

2:12 Okay.

2:13 Caller I was just sitting down on the toilet and looked down, and my penis was swollen. Like big, swollen.

2:24 Caller Uh-huh.

2:24 Adam Was it brown?

2:26 Caller No.

2:26 Caller All right.

2:26 Adam I was playing a hunch. I thought he was looking into the bowl. I see.

2:30 Drew You mean it became erect?

2:32 Caller Huh?

2:33 Drew Is that what he's talking about?

2:34 Adam No. It wasn't erect. It was just swollen.

2:38 Caller Yeah.

2:39 Adam So it was just hanging there, but it looked like it had been soaked in water overnight?

2:45 Caller Yeah. I guess you could say that.

2:46 Adam That's an interesting idea I just came up with.

2:48 Drew Soak your penis? See if you get to suck up with a sponge?

2:52 Adam Yeah. You know when stuff sits in a... You throw a corpse in the river, it comes out all bloated, right?

2:57 Drew I see. Well, I think maybe it's that he's just achieved puberty and that function that the penis gets is happening in him. Sometimes... Right.

3:05 Adam Got a little extra hang to it?

3:06 Drew Right.

3:07 Adam All right, Tim. You sexually active? No.

3:10 Drew No. Good.

3:11 Caller All right.

3:11 Adam You didn't slam it in a cab door or anything like that?

3:15 Drew Not recently.

3:15 Caller All right.

3:16 Adam Any pain?

3:17 Caller No. Not at all.

3:18 Adam No discoloration?

3:21 Caller All right.

3:21 Drew You're fine.

3:21 Adam You're fine.

3:22 Caller Oh, okay.

3:23 Adam All right there, Tim. Thank God we helped him. Stacey?

3:27 Yes.

3:27 Adam You're 20. What's going on?

3:29 Caller Okay. Trying to make it fast as possible or easy as possible. My friend was going on operation in the military and the night before he left, excuse me, we were sitting around drinking, acting dumb, and I stopped drinking at about 8 o'clock because I knew I had to take them home eventually. So, I don't know, somebody got the crazy idea to go to amateur night at a strip club and we ended up going, but it was $20 a person to get in and nobody wanted to get in because it was just a dumb idea and it was just too much money to do something stupid. So we ended up going to the beach and we were just like acting goofy at the beach, you know, just like hanging out and whatever and.

4:14 Adam Hold on, is she making this fast?

4:15 Drew Yeah, I really, I'm so delighted that it wasn't slow.

4:19 Adam Thank God she's not in that old four corner they do in the NCAA playoffs. Remember the basketball? They go into the four corner, kill the clock.

4:27 Oh yeah.

4:28 Adam All right, Stace, so now you're at the beach.

4:30 Caller Okay, well, my question is because my friend left to the military, but before he left he told everybody that I, well, he told like a couple of people that I know of at least that I, we didn't end up going to the strip joint and I, I stood because I was real drunk, but I had stopped drinking and we didn't even go inside.

4:52 Drew Do you suspect that that might have happened?

4:54 Caller I'm sorry?

4:54 Drew Do you suspect that it even might have happened?

4:57 Caller Oh no, no.

4:57 Drew Definitely didn't happen.

4:58 Adam So he told everyone, he told everyone you stripped, but you didn't even go in the club.

5:02 Caller We didn't even go in the club.

5:03 Drew Could it be, you know, one of these cases of telephone, you know, where somebody tells the story, and he gets to store it a little bit and a little bit, and it would be pretty easy to take this one from, they went there with the intention to strip, but then they were drunk, but they didn't quite go to...

5:16 Adam Oh, who cares?

5:17 Caller I mean, I just went along, but I was going because I was a designated driver, you know what I mean? But I mean, I was being goofy too, you know what I mean?

5:24 Adam Yeah, well, listen, how many people know?

5:28 Caller From, that I know?

5:29 Drew Everybody, Adam, everybody.

5:31 Adam Okay, everyone knows, and who cares? You just tell them you didn't do it and they'll believe you.

5:37 Okay, okay.

5:38 Caller So I shouldn't even confront him right now?

5:40 Drew No, forget it.

5:41 Adam No.

5:41 Okay.

5:42 Drew We don't doubt they even told the story that way.

5:43 Caller I'm sorry?

5:44 Drew We kind of doubt that he even told the story that way.

5:47 Adam Listen, he's got his punishment. He's in the military, right?

5:52 Caller Yeah.

5:54 Adam He's going to be eating garbanzo beans and getting up at 5.30 in the morning, doing pushups out in the mud.

5:59 Get on your knees, scumbag.

6:01 Adam That's right. Don't worry about him. Listen, all this stuff, here's the deal, everybody. People will believe what fits. You tell them Dr. Drew jumped up on the bar like Coyote Ugly and ripped his chaps off and swung it over his head. No one's going to believe it.

6:19 Drew I'm a rapist.

6:20 Adam You believe it? Yeah. You say he's a rapist. Well, that you believe because we have that on tape. Thank you. Kathy?

6:28 Caller Hey. How are you doing?

6:29 Adam You're 17. What's going on?

6:30 Caller Okay. I went to a concert and I smoked some marijuana and, okay, three days I was sick. I had a cold and then the fourth day I was like numb all day and I couldn't feel like, I couldn't feel my whole body and like even when I was driving, I couldn't even like feel the pedals.

6:47 Adam On the fourth day?

6:48 Caller Yeah. Like four days after that. Like just way after that.

6:51 Drew And what were you taking for your cold?

6:54 Caller Like Robitussin and like a leave and like a bunch of stuff.

6:59 All right.

6:59 Drew Well, that's why you couldn't feel anything.

7:00 Caller Really?

7:01 Yeah.

7:01 Caller Okay.

7:02 Yeah.

7:03 Caller All right.

7:03 Adam All right.

7:04 Drew You had a cold.

7:05 Adam All right. Lightweight.

7:06 Drew You put something that's been in somebody else's mouth in your mouth, you get a cold.

7:10 Adam You're talking about a penis or you're talking about a bong or a joint. Whatever.

7:13 Drew Whatever. They all can make you sick.

7:16 Adam Let me tell you something. Chicks are such lightweights. I wish I could be a lightweight. I really do. Think of the economy.

7:23 Drew You could take melatonin to go to sleep.

7:25 Adam Yeah. No, I talk to women all the time. It's like you're talking to them at four in the afternoon. The next day, I'm sorry, I'm a little out of it. I felt a cold coming on, took a shot of Nyquil about 8.30 last night. I'm out of it, brother. Are you kidding me? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I took half of one of those Tylenol PMs. I took it and I shaved it onto, I put a little shaving on my tongue, and I passed out and make it up the stairs. I went belly up. I woke up next day in the entry hall. It's like, oh, my God. How does that work? Imagine if you were such a lightweight that you could get stuff over the counter. You know what I mean? That just knocked your ass out. Wouldn't it be great? It would be great. I'm telling you. I don't know if it's a tolerance or it's 190 pounds or what it is, but that stuff doesn't do anything to me. Mike?

8:17 Hey, how are you doing, Adam?

8:18 Adam You're 22. Good.

8:19 Caller Adam, I just want to say I really appreciate your humor. I think you're a great guy.

8:23 Adam Well, thank you.

8:24 Caller Dr. Drew, very intelligent. I appreciate that. Here's my question. I met this girl over the summer, and we've been seeing each other for a while. She was kind of far away from me. Every time I talk to her, she tells me how great she thinks I am and how great the relationship is going. But lately, she's been bringing up this other guy, and I'm just wondering, should I take a hint or should I just take what she tells me when we talk to each other?

8:58 Drew What is the context in which she brings up the other guy?

9:01 Caller Well, she brings him up. I asked her about it and she said he's just a friend, but she brings it up in the context of, it's our conversation and she'll tell me how she had a good time with him and they went and did stuff.

9:12 Adam Why do you think she's doing that?

9:15 Caller I don't know. Maybe she's testing to see if I trust her or not. No.

9:20 Adam This is your girlfriend?

9:22 Caller No, she's not, but we are dating now.

9:24 Adam Have you had sex with her?

9:25 Caller No.

9:26 Adam How long have you been dating?

9:28 Caller We've been dating now for about a month and a half.

9:31 Adam Did you say you guys live separately?

9:34 Caller Far apart.

9:34 Adam Far apart?

9:35 Drew Yeah.

9:36 Adam How does that work? When do you get to see her?

9:39 Caller I haven't seen her since this summer, and we keep in touch through phone calls and e-mails.

9:42 Adam Wait, are we in the summer?

9:46 Caller No.

9:46 Adam We're not in the summer?

9:47 Caller I guess right now.

9:48 Adam There's a hundred and god damn 15 degrees out here. You're telling me we're not in the summer?

9:51 Drew We sure as hell better be in the summer.

9:53 Adam Jesus Christ, it was 107 where you live.

9:55 Drew Nuts.

9:55 Caller Since July.

9:56 Adam Since July, that's the last time you've seen her.

9:58 Drew How many times did you actually go out with her?

10:03 Caller We worked at the same place, so we spent about two or three weeks together.

10:06 Drew I love the way guys spin these webs. Yeah. Did you go out on a date with her?

10:11 Caller No, we just worked together and things started coming up romantically between us.

10:18 Adam I got some tough news for you, Mike. This bitch I'm working with went ahead and got engaged behind my back. Oh, yeah, Danielle, you know who I'm talking about. Ran away to New York, got herself engaged, didn't even tell me. We were working together. I saw this chick every night, five nights a week for two hours. We spent every night together. Pow, she goes and gets engaged on me. Yeah, there she is now.

10:45 I didn't mean to break your heart.

10:46 Adam Yeah. I'm just saying a little heads up would have been nice. I mean, I thought we had something. I mean, how many months? Every night we spent together. And this is how you repay me? You go and get engaged?

10:57 The wedding's not for another year.

10:58 Adam That's right. We still have time. I have two things to say to you. How dare you? And how dare you? Mike?

11:08 Drew Mike?

11:09 Caller What should I be reading from her?

11:10 Adam What you should be reading is she ain't your girlfriend. She ain't even someone you're dating. You don't really have a relationship. You happen to work at the same place. Your friend. She took a little pity on you. You had a few phone calls and she's trying to give you the subtle hint. She's getting the feeling that you're spinning out a little here and she's trying to reel you back in toward reality. This is it. You need to find someone else. It's fine. You live far apart. What's up with you? You're 22. Can't find somebody?

11:38 Caller Yeah. I guess you're right.

11:39 Adam All right. Well, listen, don't kill yourself. Where are you working right now?

11:43 Caller I'm working at my school that I go to.

11:45 Adam I see you down in the boiler room?

11:48 Caller No, I work the front desk there.

11:50 Adam At the school?

11:51 Caller Yeah.

11:52 Adam What kind of school?

11:53 Caller I go to Northwestern.

11:55 Caller Oh, yeah. Yeah.

11:56 Adam Yeah, that's a good school.

11:57 Drew Why aren't you meeting people there?

11:59 Caller I am. I am. I know a lot of people. I'm just, I guess the part of me is still trying to be faithful to that, you know.

12:06 Drew Faithful to what? You never dated her.

12:07 Caller Yeah, you're right.

12:09 Adam Hey, Mike.

12:10 Caller Yeah.

12:10 Adam What are you majoring in? And how did you get into that school?

12:13 Caller Um, thanks.

12:15 Adam Well, that's a pretty tough school, right?

12:17 Caller Yeah.

12:18 Adam Yeah.

12:19 Caller Majoring in communications.

12:20 Adam Okay.

12:21 Drew Oh.

12:21 Adam How ironic.

12:21 Drew There you go.

12:22 Adam Listen, you need to communicate with other people on the planet, especially chicks you work with. You guys aren't going out. There's nothing to stay faithful to. You're just some friends who work together. You had a thing for her, but that doesn't mean she had a thing for you. And she probably didn't even know what was going on. She thinks you're just friends. Now you're off at college. You got that cushy job where you work the front desk. And you're scoring all the chicks that come through the door.

12:45 Drew And my guys do this all the time. Men do this all the time. They weave these webs, these stories, these sort of imaginary scenarios. Yeah. Women are like innocent bystanders. They're literally caught in a web. Yeah.

12:59 Adam It's really, it's like those old movies from the 70s were, and you never see this in movies anymore, where the guys have pictures of the chick. They're in love with.

13:08 Drew All over the room.

13:08 Adam All over the room. Candid shots taken through the window, shots taken with them, walking out into the front driveway and all that kind of stuff. It's always at some point where the chick stumbles into the room, looks around, and the music goes, and she sees all these different pictures of herself, and then she sees the one that's torn in half, like her and her boyfriend, but her boyfriend is torn off.

13:28 Drew Cut out of it.

13:29 Adam Yeah.

13:30 Drew This guy's head is in there.

13:31 Adam Yeah, or there's something stuck in there, like a stiletto or something stuck in there. I don't know why, but somehow TV movies, they don't get as much into the pictures as they used to. It was a big deal back then.

13:43 Drew The television loves its convention.

13:46 Adam Right.

13:47 Drew They invent reality.

13:48 Adam Right. They were on this one for a long time.

13:51 Drew Now, there's people asking for reality reality.

13:53 Adam Is that what it is? Antonio?

13:56 Yeah. Hi, how's it going?

13:57 Adam You're 15.

13:58 Caller Yeah. First of all, I want to start off by saying, that guy Mike's a dumbass. Second of all, I think you guys rock.

14:03 Adam Thank you. Our last caller, Mike?

14:06 Caller Yeah. That guy was once a dumbass.

14:07 Adam He didn't know what was going on. Well-

14:08 Drew He's not a dumbass. He goes to Northwestern. He just-

14:12 Caller If he didn't realize that they weren't good on him, he's a dumbass.

14:14 Drew He's got his head in the clouds. He does not have a lot of social experience.

14:17 Adam Let's not kick a man while he's down, Antonio. That's my job.

14:19 Caller I've been there before.

14:20 Drew I've been kicking a lot of people. No kidding. Who does all the kicking? The women. This guy gets down like Mike. Boy, watch out. Think what happens to him when he starts that clingy process.

14:29 Caller I mean, I may be calling him a dumbass, but there are a lot of ways I can relate to you.

14:33 Drew That's right. I think every male can go through some sort of a clingy process.

14:36 Adam Well, when you're Antonio and you're 15 and you've loved and lost as many times as Antonio has, you have some sympathy for your fellow man even though he's a competitor. All right, Antonio, what's up?

14:48 Caller Basically, I just have this need to be loved and be wanted and I keep-

14:55 Drew Well, you're talking about the same thing that Mike was involved with.

14:58 Caller That's why I said I could-

14:59 Adam You can identify. You're 15, that's-

15:01 Caller I attach myself to people who I think I can trust, and it comes back to bite me on the ass basically, and I realized I can't trust these people.

15:08 Drew What's wrong with your choice and who you choose to trust?

15:11 Caller I mean, it's like people who I thought have been my friends, but then it comes back that they've proved otherwise that they weren't.

15:17 Drew Something happened recently?

15:19 Caller Yeah.

15:20 Drew What happened?

15:21 Caller OK, well, most recent situation is there was this girl who's like a friend, and I've lied to her basically since the first time I met her. And I kept asking her out, and she's like, she just wanted to have fun until Saturday night where we went bowling or whatever.

15:36 Drew She ended up hooking up with one of your best friends.

15:38 Caller Well, that was before, but this time...

15:40 Drew Mike? I mean, Antonio?

15:41 Caller Yeah.

15:42 Adam Mike-tonio?

15:43 Caller Yeah.

15:43 Adam Right. All right, Drew, don't cut the guy off. So anyway, you guys went bowling. You had a good time.

15:49 Caller We were at the bowling alley, and it's like, I'm thinking it's just like our thing, and it ends up being like a group thing. So we're just sitting around. All of a sudden, this guy, Alan, shows up. I don't know if you know who he is, because we're gonna go to the same school.

15:59 Adam Oh, Alan, yeah.

16:00 Caller So I found out later on in the night that they're going out now, and she's like, I, she thought I should be mad at her. I mean, she apologized, and I'm like, what are you sorry for? And I'm like, I can't be mad at you for being human. And as much as I wanted to be mad at her, I couldn't be. I was mad at myself for like trusting again.

16:19 Adam That's going really cathartic here.

16:21 Drew Why, where has your trust been violated?

16:25 Adam Oh, I forget. Listen, Antonio, listen to me. You're like me. We're kindred spirits. We're both in love with being in love. Okay. Now, you're 15. You're going to take your lumps with the ladies, and every guy has a genetic predisposition at 15 to have this, it's become a theme for tonight, have these unrealistic thoughts, these feelings, little things mean a lot. What is nothing to the girl is a ton to you. You could, if you were, you're like a hippo who's living off a croton. You know, actually subsisting off a croton for years. It is amazing how little can keep you going. Yeah. You know what I mean?

17:13 Drew Yes.

17:14 Adam I want to remember those days, Drew. I can't remember what happened, but do you remember those days when you get that story where it's like, yeah, you want to go out and then turns out they invite the whole varsity yell squad to go with you and six of their parents.

17:28 Drew But when that happens, you still like a laser beam go on with your fantasy.

17:33 Adam Yeah.

17:33 Drew You don't get it.

17:34 Adam Yeah. I know I was telling you about this. I can't remember when it was and I can't even remember how long ago it was. I don't know if it was a couple of years or a couple of months or whatever it was, but I was trying to go on a date with someone and they were like, yeah, it'd be great and we'll just invite a few. I'll bring some of my friends and I remember because I was older and I was burnt out and tired and everything, she got into like, I'll bring eight of my friends and I just went, no, forget it. It's not going to happen. Just forget it. She said no. She started like backbending like, well, no, no, I mean, they don't have to and I was like, nah, forget it, forget it.

18:11 Drew Maybe it was that car at the time you're driving, no crank on the window, crank windows, no stool instead of a bench for a seat.

18:18 Adam It was after that. I got to think of one this was. But the whole point is, listen guys, you asked someone out on a date and she wants to make it into, she wants to bring the wind section from the Philadelphia Philharmonic with her. Forget it.

18:35 Drew Just stop.

18:37 Adam There ain't a girl on the planet that's over 14 years old that if she likes a guy and that guy asked her out on a legitimate date, ain't thrilled to go with him and would kill one of her friends if she wanted to go along. Just like you would kill one of your friends if four of your buddies wanted to go along.

18:56 Drew And believe me, they know exactly how to behave in that situation. Not as though, oh she doesn't really know what she's doing or she doesn't really understand what I know. They know exactly what they're doing.

19:06 Caller Yeah.

19:07 Adam Elsa?

19:08 Hi.

19:08 Adam Hey, you're 14.

19:09 Caller Yeah, I am.

19:11 Adam Elsa was the name of the lion on Born Free.

19:14 Caller I know that.

19:15 Drew Sonya and Elsa, wasn't it?

19:17 Adam I don't know what the other one's name was, but I know Elsa was the name. Did someone tell you that, Elsa?

19:22 Caller Yeah.

19:23 Adam You've been hit over the head with that?

19:26 Caller Yeah.

19:27 Adam By old people?

19:29 Caller Yeah, especially by my mom.

19:31 Adam Yeah.

19:31 Caller Actually, I was named after my grandma who died in the Holocaust.

19:36 Drew Nice.

19:37 Adam Well, that's good luck. Mazel Tov.

19:39 Caller Thank you. That's actually kind of involved in my question there. My dad comes from a Jewish background, and I don't know if this messes with his personality or something, but I'm torn between my dad and my mom.

19:55 Drew Are they separated?

19:56 Caller They are.

19:57 Caller And my mom, she lives in little Hicksville, and my dad lives in Big City. Well, in Big City, there's a good school, really good school, and in Hicksville, there's a bad school, and I don't really want to go there. But my dad is kind of abusive mentally.

20:16 Drew What does he do?

20:17 Caller He constantly, it's like-

20:20 Adam He beats her with the Torah. No?

20:23 Caller No. I actually came to him wanting to be botanist, but then he kind of said no.

20:27 Adam Yeah. Well, listen, I'd tell, if I had a Jewish daughter, and I'm not exactly sure how I would pull that off, but if and I did, like I adopted a Jewish, how many Jewish kids are for adoption, by the way? I don't think any. They ever had any Jews floating around those adoption agencies?

20:41 Caller You can make one.

20:43 Drew Elsa.

20:43 Adam Oh, me and Elsa?

20:44 Drew Yeah.

20:45 Adam All right. Well, let me mark down on my calendar, say like 2004. What month are you ovulating? What? Well, here's my point.

20:52 Drew And 2018.

20:53 Adam Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Here's what I'm saying. This bat mitzvah thing is a load of crap. I've never heard of such BS. For those gentile stoners who are listening to the show who don't know what a bat mitzvah is, it's a Jewish tradition, a rite of passage when a young Jewish girl becomes a man. What? That's what it signifies. The bar... All right, hold on. Let me talk about this nonsense. I have to tell you, I love the Jews. I kid them, but I love them. I think this is the greatest religion. I was just telling my dad the other day.

21:25 Drew So really, if you could be reincarnated, it would be a gay Jew.

21:30 Adam Gay Jew. That's right. Goo, I would call myself, is a gay Jew. Here's the thing. There's something called a bar mitzvah that's been going on for 2,000 years, right? Right. When Jewish boys turn 13, they become a man and they have the bar mitzvah and they get a bunch of money and stocks and they have a big party and they read off the Torah and all that kind of stuff. Now, there's a couple of things that are funny here. We've touched on this before. Nobody's less a man than a 13-year-old Jewish kid. An 11-year-old Jewish boy is more a man than a 13-year-old. I don't know how. I don't know how that works. But go back and look at some of your buddies, your Jewish buddies bar mitzvah's pictures. It's like one big nose sticking out of a yarmulke on a mop handle. I mean, see, here's the thing about a 13-year-old Jewish kid. A 13-year-old Jewish kid is either skinny as a rail or fat as a boulder. There's no medium-built Jewish kids at 13. Okay? Usually you got the skinniest health kid. He's going about a buck five. He's all schnoz. He's usually wearing braces. Jewish kids always wear braces, not because anything's wrong with their teeth, but because their folks usually love them more and can afford it. The Gentiles would have had braces too, but our parents didn't give a rat's ass and weren't about to plop down 1,500 bucks. My dad was eyeballing that lazy boy. He wasn't about to put it into my mouth. That money was already allocated for something else. Nobody looks less a man than a Jew at 13 years old. So that makes it funny. It's always nice when they have that little 13-year-old mustache coming in too because they've never shaved before.

23:04 Drew Pre-shave.

23:05 Adam That pre-shave mustache. So that's funny. Now, I don't know when this happened. How far back does the Bat Mitzvah go? It can't go further back than like 1965 or something. I mean, they weren't doing this in the 30s or 40s.

23:19 No, a lot of women, older women, have never been Bat Mitzvah because it didn't start until way late.

23:24 Adam Yeah, like the 60s, right?

23:25 Drew Summer of Love.

23:26 I'd say 60s.

23:27 Adam Phone screener, Danielle, is Jewish. Were you Bat Mitzvahed?

23:32 No, I never made it there.

23:33 Adam You didn't make it?

23:34 No, you had to go to school after school.

23:36 Drew Do conservative churches do Bat Mitzvahs? Or just like reform temples? Just reform?

23:42 Bat Mitzvah? No, no.

23:44 Drew All the sects, all the churches, the temples do.

23:48 Do Bat Mitzvahs? Yeah, girls get Bat Mitzvah now.

23:50 Drew No, I'm just saying.

23:51 Adam Here's what- it's like one of our callers. Hey, I don't want you talking to our callers anymore. Screw on with your mind. Here's what Drew is saying. Would a heavy duty Orthodox church or temple allow a Bat Mitzvah? Does the Jewish- do the Orthodox Jews recognize that?

24:11 Caller No, they're not into it.

24:12 Adam They're not into it. So it's just kind of a-

24:13 Drew It's the Wilshire Boulevard.

24:14 Adam Nouveau-Jouvaux thing.

24:16 Drew It's the West LA.

24:17 Adam Right. And it's probably a big, more California thing than it is anywhere else in the country.

24:21 Drew Or the world.

24:22 Adam And so the chicks, the Jewish chicks said, hey, we're getting screwed. We want our own right of passage.

24:27 Drew Stereo's.

24:28 Adam We want a stereo and a Star Wars theme. So they wanted- and they invented something called a Bat Mitzvah. Now, they can become young men too. It's great. But I'll tell you, some of these kids, they clean up on this stuff. I mean, they're getting, they're getting like T-bills and iris set up. I mean, some of them got 10, 15 grand in the bank when it comes around to college.

24:48 Drew Yeah, but think about what mom and dad spent on the-

24:50 Adam Well, mom, it was a bust for mom and dad, but the kids going- the kids got a nice lump.

24:55 Drew Why don't they just give the money to the kid?

24:57 Adam Turns 18. That's right. Cut the middle man out. Yeah, funny. You're explaining to the Jews how to cut the middle man out and go wholesome. All right. So where are we here, Drew?

25:11 Drew Finishing with Elsa to see where she's going to live.

25:13 Adam That's right.

25:14 Drew So in what way is your dad mentally abusive?

25:18 Caller He constantly tells me that I'm an idiot. Even though he got bad grades in school, I should do better.

25:27 Drew Can you just sort of keep your distance from him, get through the four years you've got left?

25:32 Caller I'm trying to do that.

25:34 Drew Get the hell out of there.

25:35 Caller But he's way too controlling.

25:37 Drew Really?

25:38 Caller He wants to know where I am constantly. I never had a boyfriend in my life.

25:42 Adam Did he remarry?

25:44 Caller He's going out with girls. He's actually at one of his girlfriend's houses right now. And it's, quite honestly, I wish he would just get married with a girl so he can lay the intention off me.

25:58 Adam Is he dating younger chicks? Is he swinging?

26:01 Caller This girl is 12 years different.

26:04 Adam Yeah. What's your dad do?

26:07 Caller He's a teacher.

26:09 Adam Teacher?

26:09 Caller Teacher, yeah.

26:10 Adam Was it high school, junior high?

26:13 Caller Fifth grade.

26:14 Adam Fifth grade? And he didn't get good grades, but he wants you to have good grades and he's putting the screws to you. And your mom gives you a little breathing room, but you don't want to go to Hickville.

26:23 Caller No, I don't.

26:23 Adam All right. Well, then that's your choice.

26:25 Drew It's my major choice, yeah, and just stay away.

26:28 Caller Do you guys agree with it?

26:29 Drew I think if you can find enough way to stay out of his way.

26:34 Caller Do you think maybe we should get counseling together?

26:36 Drew I don't think he'll go for that, but yeah, sure.

26:38 Adam You know what? Not that he's going to go for this.

26:43 Caller Probably won't.

26:44 Adam But I think he's an intelligent man, obviously. I mean, he's educated, at least. And what if you sat him down and he just said, Dad, I want to talk to you.

26:52 Caller I tried that. I tried keeping a straight face and telling him, Dad, look, you know, this isn't going to work out with you yelling at me all the time.

27:00 Drew Right.

27:00 Caller But it's basically, he just shoved it in my face and said, why don't you go live with your mother?

27:07 Adam He's an a-hole.

27:07 Drew Yeah.

27:08 Caller Thank you.

27:09 Adam Okay. But listen, what if you sat him down and he just said, listen, I don't want this to be an argument. I want it to be a discussion. I'm having feelings of resentment toward you, and it's going to be the kind of thing that's going to last for a little while. And we should really try to work together here because I don't want to go through the next three or four years and go off to college and start my own family and be hating my dad the whole time.

27:31 Drew And if you can't hear that, then stay out of his way, spend time at friends' houses, study hard, get the hell out of there.

27:37 Caller Right. All right.

27:38 Adam We'll take a little break. When we come back, we'll talk to what Tamara 16 best friend told her. She's a lesbian and wants a relationship, wants to know what to do. Maybe kick a little lightning round tonight, Anderson. What do you say?

28:31 Drew You got that in you? No.

28:33 Adam Let me tell you something. There are two things in life I can rally for.

28:38 Drew Lightning round?

28:39 Adam Masturbation.

28:40 Drew That's what I figured.

28:41 Adam Doesn't matter how loaded I am, doesn't matter how tired I am. I can get it going. I can crank it up. As a mark of a true professional. That's what you're going to hear in about an hour and 15 minutes. What do you say to that, Druski?

28:56 Drew I can't wait. Good times.

28:57 Adam Good times. Tamara?

28:59 Hi.

29:00 Adam Yeah. 16.

29:01 Yeah.

29:02 Adam Yeah.

29:02 A couple of days ago, my best friend was over and we were talking and she told me that she was a lesbian. I had no idea and all done that I've known her, that she was and she told me that she wanted a relationship with me.

29:17 Drew How long have you known her?

29:18 What?

29:18 Drew How long have you known her?

29:20 I've known her since the fifth grade.

29:23 Adam And she said she wanted a relationship with you.

29:25 Caller Yeah.

29:26 And I don't know what to do because I'm not.

29:28 Drew What did you tell her?

29:29 Caller I told her that I wasn't.

29:31 Adam This is the last time I'm going to go down on you?

29:35 No. I wasn't sure. Like I was really confused.

29:41 Drew I thought she was going to say, how dare.

29:44 Adam It was close. Hey, Tara?

29:46 Caller Yeah.

29:47 Adam It's strange to me, this Adam talking. It's strange to me that she thought that you would go along with this. Did you ever give her anything to any indication that you might be into her?

30:00 No, I had no idea.

30:01 Drew How did this come up? What were you doing?

30:03 We were just talking, I guess, about just boys and stuff and she just told me.

30:09 Drew What did she say exactly?

30:11 Adam Oh, who cares.

30:12 Drew Well, let's make sure that she heard what she thinks she heard.

30:16 Well, she said that in the past year, she had been having weird feelings and not really towards guys, but more towards girls. Right. She decided that she would rather be with girls than boys and she doesn't even feel for boys at all anymore.

30:33 Adam Okay. Hey, Tamara?

30:36 Yeah.

30:36 Adam So here's what you tell her. You still like dudes.

30:41 Caller Yeah.

30:42 Adam You can't switch over to girls any more than she can switch over to guys.

30:46 Drew And that's that.

30:47 Adam You can still be friends, but if this is what your friendship is based on, her being attracted to you is not going to work. Yeah. That's all right. She was straightforward with you. She was upfront with you. You can just be upfront with her.

30:59 Drew She's still your friend. Come on.

31:00 Adam There's no crime. You didn't do anything wrong.

31:02 I'm scared that she's going to tell people at her school.

31:05 Drew Tell them what?

31:06 Adam That she didn't want to be a lesbian?

31:08 Well, I don't want to get a bad reputation.

31:11 Drew Of what? Of not being a lesbian?

31:13 Well, no, because people might think that I am a lesbian.

31:16 Drew Just because you hang out with this poor girl? I mean, this poor girl is going to lose her best friend just because you're afraid of what people are going to say because you guys hang out?

31:24 Well, no, but I'm also scared that she's going to keep trying.

31:28 Adam Well, listen, you tell her in no uncertain terms that that's not something you're interested in. And if she keeps trying, then it's over. You break off the friendship.

31:36 Drew Then it's over.

31:38 Okay.

31:38 Drew All right.

31:39 Adam All right, Tamara.

31:40 Thank you.

31:41 Adam All right. Listen, everybody, in terms of gossip, things like that you hear in high school, I mean, what did you ever hear that you believed that wasn't actually going on?

31:54 Drew And can you remember one thing?

31:56 Adam No.

31:56 Drew One molecule, one item?

31:59 Adam Forget about trying to remember gossip. I can't remember what the hell went on in class. I don't remember one iota of one piece of teaching I received in high school. Well, no. To be fair to me, I went to class, I just didn't pay attention, and I never gained any knowledge from going to class. I was one of the few guys who failed the class. I always announced at the end of each class that I failed. I should have never shown up because the exact same result. It's tantamount to going to a job that you go to every day for five months, and they're going to pay you at the end of the fifth month, and you get paid nothing. And then there's a guy who never showed up one day. What do you both got? Goose egg. Except for which one's the idiot. The guy showed up every day. That was me. Thank you. One of the few people I know who failed driver's ed.

32:50 Drew You.

32:51 Adam Driver's education.

32:52 Drew Quite an accomplishment.

32:52 Adam How many people you know failed driver's education?

32:54 Caller One.

32:55 Caller Thank you.

32:56 Adam How many ceramics majors you know? How many people you know never took an algebra class? The list goes on and on of my academic achievement.

33:03 Drew You've thrown a coil pot.

33:05 Adam Jessica?

33:06 Drew Yeah.

33:07 Adam You wouldn't throw a coil pot.

33:08 Drew Made a coil pot.

33:09 Caller How dare you?

33:10 Adam Or pinch pot or slab pot.

33:12 Drew But you threw a?

33:14 Adam You would throw.

33:15 Drew Just a pot.

33:16 Yeah.

33:16 Adam I mean on the potter's wheel.

33:17 Caller Yeah.

33:18 Adam Jessica?

33:19 Caller Yeah.

33:20 Adam What's up?

33:20 Drew What kind of clay would you use?

33:21 Adam Weathered feldspar.

33:22 Caller Okay.

33:24 Caller Oh, Adam, I just want to tell you, you and Jimmy are comedy masterminds.

33:28 Adam Thank you. I like that.

33:30 Caller For being a woman, I watch The Man Show like every time it's on.

33:35 Drew So as soon as I hear that, I think abuse.

33:38 Adam No, no, please. Oh, yes. You listen.

33:41 Caller No, I had a really good childhood.

33:43 Caller Give me a hug.

33:46 Adam The one that aired last night was wrestling school. We were getting abused.

33:50 Caller Oh, I love that.

33:51 Adam Yeah, Jimmy really got hurt. And I had to be emotionally abused by walking around a pair of underpants for nine hours. It's horrible.

33:58 Drew What's the question, Jessica?

34:00 Caller My boyfriend is 17 just like me and he's still a virgin and I'm not. But he brought it to my attention that he has this thing with anal sex.

34:09 Adam Sure. Most virgin guys do.

34:11 Caller Like, why would they, if he's never had it in the vagina, then why would he want to do it anally?

34:19 Drew I think it's a great question and I have no idea.

34:21 Caller Really? Because if he's never had it the one way, what would possess a person to want? I'm kind of against that.

34:29 Drew I think that inclination occurs.

34:30 Adam By the way, you as a virgin discussing with your girlfriend that you're in anal sex is like the janitor showing up at IBM marching into the CEO's office and wanting to discuss stock options and profit sharing first day of the job. I mean, you're virgin and you're playing the anal sex guard. Jesus Christ, guys got huevos these days, I'll tell you.

34:56 Drew But all this suggests is that that whole anal sex proclivity sort of starts long before the activity heats up.

35:04 Adam Also, he's probably handsome of his brown fire fueled by the Internet movies and things like that.

35:11 Caller Yeah, he has a lot of pornography.

35:14 Adam Yeah, he could be pretty well versed in the cooly without actually seeing one.

35:18 Caller But what about if we did have sex, would you think he'd end up liking that better or would you think he'd prefer anally?

35:24 Drew I think you hold all the cards.

35:26 Adam The smart money's on the anus.

35:27 Drew The smart money's on whatever you want.

35:30 Adam Oh, he's Bet Brown. That's what my grandfather used to tell me.

35:33 Drew Remember, you hold the cards.

35:35 Caller Oh, all right.

35:36 Adam You understand?

35:37 Caller Yeah.

35:38 Adam He may be holding, you know what he's got? He's got a roll of nickels, but you got the cards.

35:43 Caller All right, Jessica.

35:44 Adam Thank you for-

35:44 Caller Thank you very much, you guys.

35:45 Adam Thinking I'm diabolically funny. I don't know what we told her. Here's the deal though. Guys can be seasoned sex veterans while they're virgins now.

35:58 Drew Yeah.

35:58 Adam Think about that concept.

35:59 Drew Jaded sex veterans.

36:01 Adam Yeah. I mean, because there was no internet, because we hadn't seen any porno movies, because they didn't have graphic depictions of sex and all this. There weren't these biology training films that are being passed off as pornography now. When we were growing up, if you knew your way around a vaginas because you drove one, do you know what I mean? There was no simulator.

36:26 Caller Yeah.

36:27 Adam You were either there or you weren't. It was like what the military used to be. Guys who drove tanks were in a tank. It's not like you'd spent X amount of hours on the simulator, watching training videos and before you even climbed into your first tank, you already felt like you'd been in one. We had to go there, except for I never really went there. Roger?

36:49 Caller Yeah.

36:49 Adam You're 24?

36:50 Caller Yeah.

36:51 Caller Yeah.

36:52 Adam You were raped by coworker?

36:55 Caller Yeah. I worked for a pretty famous restaurant. I was able to go out and do a lot of things besides work in the restaurant. I had went down to an event one time for work, and this was two years ago. I was orally raped by a guy while I was sleeping.

37:22 Adam He gave you oral sex?

37:24 Caller Correct.

37:29 Adam And were you drunk?

37:31 Caller I was very drunk.

37:32 Adam I see. Hold on a second, Roger. All right?

37:35 Caller Uh-huh.

37:39 Adam That could be worse.

37:40 Drew He was violated.

37:40 Adam He was violated, yeah.

37:42 Drew For you, it would just be a break. Giving your hand a break is really what it would be. Just a vacation for your hand.

37:51 Adam I'd be drunk. I'd be passed out. There'd be stimulation on my penis. My hand would wake up, not the rest of me, just my hand.

37:57 Drew And then Steve would say, no, no, quiet, quiet.

37:59 Adam Hand wakes up, looks around, goes back to sleep, wrestles back in.

38:03 Drew Steve says, so do I?

38:05 Caller So do I.

38:08 Adam All right, but eventually the hand would get jealous.

38:11 Drew Yeah.

38:11 Adam And talk the rest of the fingers, maybe make a fist and punch the guy. All right, we're going to take ourselves a break. We'll get back with Roger and his oral rape after this. Hey, Loveline, I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Drew over there. Phone number, 1-800-LOVE-191. Unlike other talk shows that beg you to call in, we work a little different angle.

39:11 Drew We beg you.

39:12 Adam We prefer you not to call the show, please, unless it's an emergency. Just leave the phone down. As a matter of fact, turn the show off, put some TV on and relax. Roger?

39:24 Caller Yeah.

39:25 Adam So you work for a popular restaurant.

39:27 Caller Correct.

39:27 Adam Out here in Southern California?

39:30 Caller Used to.

39:31 Caller It's actually world-known.

39:34 Caller Yeah.

39:35 Adam Is it like Planet Hollywood, that kind of thing?

39:38 Caller I wouldn't want to give the name up.

39:39 Caller All right.

39:39 Adam But that sort of thing?

39:41 Drew The chain.

39:41 Caller Correct.

39:42 Drew The chain.

39:43 Adam I see. And you were out doing some roadwork, doing some catering or something?

39:47 Caller Yeah.

39:47 Drew Marketing.

39:48 Adam Doing some big event?

39:49 Caller Yeah.

39:49 Caller I was doing a pretty large event.

39:51 Adam What did you do with the restaurant?

39:54 Caller I was a server and a bartender for many years.

39:56 Adam I see. So, you go out on the road and...

39:59 Drew How many years? 24?

40:00 Caller Well, four years. Long time, I guess.

40:04 Adam And you're doing a gig and you're with some other people from the restaurant.

40:08 Caller Correct.

40:09 Adam And they put you up at a hotel?

40:11 Caller Yeah.

40:12 Adam And after work, you go out and you get sloshed, right?

40:16 Caller Uh-huh.

40:16 Adam And you go back to the motel or hotel?

40:19 Caller That was the main problem, actually, was the accommodations.

40:25 Drew Everybody's in the same place?

40:27 Caller Not exactly. It was kind of like a rush thing for me and another guy to go down there.

40:33 Drew All right. What can we do for you?

40:34 Adam So you're staying in the same room with the other guy. You pass out drunk.

40:38 Caller No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

40:39 Adam No?

40:40 Caller Way off?

40:41 Caller The first night, they gave us some pretty lousy accommodations in a hotel room that was actually even separate from the rest of the group.

40:52 Drew That clarifies a lot.

40:53 Adam Okay. So now.

40:54 Caller The second night, I actually stayed at the other guy's uncle's house, which had happened to just live pretty close to the event that we're at.

41:04 Adam Okay. But the point is, is you're drunk and you're staying somewhere with the other guy you work with.

41:10 Caller Well, the third night, I had.

41:15 Adam Let's see. Third night was three maids of milking or seven hens of laying. Or I'll tell you, every time I hear that 12th nights of Christmas, I get a boner. For what? I had to just talk about maids of milking and hens of laying. And I don't know. What was it? A hobo's a humping or something? I can't remember what's in that song. There's a lot of suggestive lyrics in that song.

41:42 Drew Okay. Don't go there.

41:44 Adam Yeah.

41:44 Drew Are you going to talk to them?

41:45 Adam Hey, Roger. Let's get to Blow Night.

41:48 Drew Yeah. Just forget it.

41:49 Adam I don't need to know what went on every night.

41:50 Drew We understand that what can we do to help you? We understand somebody. Are you gay? No, I'm not.

41:55 Adam Well, hold on. I still want to get to this. The point is, is you passed out with a guy you worked with and you were drunk. When you woke up, was he performing oral sex on you?

42:06 Caller Correct.

42:07 Adam All right. What did you do?

42:10 Caller I got up and, well, actually, I laid there for, I don't know, probably about five minutes until I couldn't take it anymore. I waited to lay there until he actually, I felt that he was asleep and I was going to leave.

42:23 Adam Wait a second. Let me backtrack for a second. You woke up, he was performing oral sex on you, right?

42:29 Caller Yeah, the job was pretty much done.

42:32 Adam The job was done?

42:33 Caller You understand what I'm saying? I woke up to-

42:35 Adam You woke up to an orgasm?

42:37 Caller Correct.

42:38 Adam And did he swallow?

42:42 Caller I don't know.

42:42 Adam I see. And he finished and then you stayed there for another five minutes, like sort of trying to figure out what to do?

42:50 Caller I just wanted to get out with no confrontation.

42:54 Adam I see. So you snuck out of there.

42:57 Caller Yeah.

42:58 Adam And then what? Did you see him the next day?

43:01 Caller No. I had him put in jail. I went immediately and had the security of the complex in which he lived in. I had them call the police immediately.

43:17 Adam I see. So he was arrested for rape?

43:20 Caller Correct.

43:21 Adam OK. All right. So then now what? Now have you gotten some therapy?

43:26 Caller No, not really. I talked to somebody for, I don't know, a couple weeks straight and that's about it. That was done through a lawyer that I have now on a case that's going on. This has been two years.

43:42 Adam OK. Well, Roger, let me give you my honest assessment of your situation. A, this is not a good thing, but it doesn't have to ruin your life. You don't have to be quite as freaked out over it as you are. You don't have to be. I'm saying it's not a great thing. I don't wish it upon anybody, but, you know.

44:00 Drew You took action. That was good.

44:01 Adam You took action. You sound kind of freaked out.

44:04 Caller I didn't get any remorse.

44:05 Adam You didn't apologize.

44:07 Caller No.

44:08 Adam Yeah, but.

44:08 Caller He didn't go to jail. He didn't spend any jail time at all.

44:12 Drew So you said you had to put him in jail.

44:13 Caller One night.

44:14 Adam All right. But.

44:15 Caller But I mean, he took so far two years of of a lot of feelings that I have.

44:21 Adam I know. But those are those feelings aren't all him. You got other feelings floating around you. You know what I'm saying? This triggered something. This isn't good. But you got other feelings floating around that you got to work. I'm getting a vibe off of Roger. Oh, a strong vibe like this ain't it. This ain't all of it. You get that vibe.

44:39 Drew Oh, yeah. But it may be no, not that vibe so much as it may be a post-traumatic stress disorder and the extent to which one reacts to a traumatizing experience is determined by the condition one is in when one encounters that experience.

44:54 Adam Okay. You went on my policy. I finish off in a guy's mouth after I pass out.

45:00 Drew You go back to sleep.

45:00 Adam He wakes up with a 20 tape dose forehead and me singing in the bathroom. All right. Roger, you got to get some therapy.

45:10 Caller Yeah, you need to get treated.

45:11 Drew Yeah, it's PTSD. At the very minimum, that can be treated.

45:14 Adam Right. But I still say BFD. Greg?

45:17 Drew Well, it means something to him.

45:19 Adam It means a lot to him, so therefore he has to get therapy. Greg?

45:23 Yeah.

45:23 Adam You're 21.

45:24 Caller Yeah. I don't necessarily have that urgent of a problem to say.

45:29 Adam All right. Well, let's move on then.

45:33 Caller Sex.

45:33 Adam Yeah. What about sex?

45:35 Caller When me and my wife are together, we're having sex. For that matter, any girl that I've really been with since I was maybe 18 or 19.

45:42 Caller Yeah.

45:43 Caller I like for that woman to verbally express herself to me in that I'm nothing. I have a small penis, and I'm not doing it good enough, and this and that.

45:54 Drew You like to be degraded.

45:55 Caller Oh, yeah, and it bothers me because I've really never had any problem at all with any kind of self-confidence. I don't really have a small thing. I've never had any complaints in that department.

46:07 Drew No one ever degraded you at any other point in your life?

46:09 Caller No, not that I can think of.

46:10 Adam I know you don't have a small Johnson because we actually do have a small Johnson. The last thing you want to hear is, hey, Dickless.

46:18 Caller Yeah. Actually, I've been told by several girls that it's a little bit more than what they want.

46:23 Adam All right.

46:24 Caller Now, I'm wanting people to tell me or-

46:26 Adam Have you had a good life so far?

46:28 Caller Oh, yeah.

46:29 Adam Yeah, that's what it is. Let me tell you something.

46:31 Caller What?

46:33 Adam Okay. The guys, whenever I talk to one of these dominatrixes, dominatrix is, you put it is in there?

46:39 Drew Yeah, whatever.

46:40 Adam Dominatrix persons? I always tell them, who's your clientele? Is it rich, fat, white guys? And they go, yeah, always. You know why? Because they don't get their ass kicked, and they want an ass kicking. Guys, they get their ass kicked all the time. They don't want an ass kicking.

46:57 Drew They always have their ass kicked at some time in their life, and this is a way of eroticizing their experience.

47:03 Adam That could be part of it.

47:04 Drew That's also why they become the CEOs and stuff.

47:06 Adam Interesting. You've peeled another layer off of my onion, Drew. We're going to take a little break.

47:12 Drew How dare you?

47:12 Adam Well, you made an ass of me on the air.

47:16 Caller Dare you?

47:17 Adam We'll take a little break. We'll get back and see if we can't bring the onion down one more notch.

47:23 Caller Hello, this is your radio. Love Line will be right back.

48:11 Adam Yeah, it's Loveline. I'm Ace Rockolla's partner, Dr. Drew. What was this?

48:15 Caller Crap.

48:20 Adam Anderson got into his job about three months ago, and it's very unsettling. It's Loveline. You're listening right here on KQXR, Paid Poison, New Rock 1003X. Yeah, boy. I talked to my Hispanic electrician today. I'm a great boss, I've decided. Yeah. Because the guy, I was talking about this last night on the air, the guy called me today. He was supposed to show up Saturday, never showed up. Jose, Jose was supposed to show up Saturday, Jose never showed up. Although, to be fair to Jose, he called at 5 in the afternoon on Saturday after I was paging him and waiting around to meet him and all that kind of stuff.

49:06 Drew Oh, no.

49:06 Adam Turns out it was like Mexican Independence Day or something.

49:10 Drew Sure.

49:11 Adam I don't know. He could have told you anything. Trying to pull one over on the gringo. The good news was, and here's why I'm a great boss, he called me tonight at home and he said, Adam, I'm sorry, let me explain what happened on Saturday. And I said, are you coming tomorrow? And he goes, yeah, I'm coming tomorrow. Okay, but let me tell you what happened Saturday. I said, don't worry about it. And he goes, well, you know, I had to go to Tijuana to pick up my, I swear to God, pick up my brother. And I said, listen, I don't care. Monday Night Football's on, I'll see you tomorrow.

49:42 Drew But I'm sorry with you on that, that my feeling, excuses, is there either room for excuses or there isn't? If there is, fine, you have an excuse. If not, there's no excuse.

49:51 Adam And my feeling is either I'm gonna fire the guy or I'm not. And if I'm not, I don't need to hear the story. Show up tomorrow, all's forgiven. Maybe a quick handy. And then all is forgiven. Then really all is forgiven. Jesse?

50:05 Yeah?

50:05 Adam You're 16?

50:06 Caller Yeah.

50:07 Adam What's up?

50:08 Caller I think my boyfriend's cheating on me.

50:10 Drew Great.

50:11 Adam Why?

50:13 Caller Well, because like around school, I'd see him walking around with his ex all the time.

50:18 Drew Uh-oh.

50:19 Caller Yeah.

50:19 Drew That's who he's cheating with, you think?

50:20 Caller Yeah. I heard from one of my good friends that she saw them kissing.

50:25 Drew How long are you?

50:25 Adam Hey, hold on, Drew. Imagine cheating and pulling it off when you're at school. Think about that. You know what I mean?

50:31 Drew But is it-

50:32 Adam In a big confined area, walking around with all the same people and friends and everyone's seeing you everywhere, eyes around every corner. I mean, are you nuts?

50:39 Drew How long have you been dating him?

50:42 Caller Well, over the summer I dated him for about two months, and we've just been going out again for about a week and a half.

50:49 Drew What do you mean again?

50:51 Caller He asked me back out.

50:52 Adam Let me explain to our listener something. To those of you who've had a weather change where you happen to be calling from. It's 108 goddamn degrees here.

51:02 Drew It's awful.

51:03 Adam It is summer, game on. So we've had a couple of these tonight where we met and then we broke up last summer, and now we're starting to- we both had some time to think, some time to reflect, and now we're in a rebuilding stage. And I keep wanting to yell, hey, we're still in the same summer, everybody. So you going out over the summer is now, that's today. You went out in like July or something?

51:30 Caller May to July.

51:32 Adam And then you broke up?

51:33 Caller Yeah.

51:33 Adam And why did you break up?

51:35 Caller He wanted to be friends.

51:37 Drew Was he seeing his ex-girlfriend then, do you think?

51:40 Caller I think so.

51:41 Caller Nope.

51:41 Adam It's not sounding good, Jesse.

51:43 Drew That's it, Jesse. What's so funny? What are you laughing about?

51:46 Caller Huh?

51:46 Drew Why are you laughing?

51:47 Caller I don't know.

51:48 Adam It's good though.

51:49 Caller I think it's kind of funny though.

51:51 Adam Yeah. You got to have a sense of humor about this or it will kill you. So, Jesse, so what made you two get back together?

51:59 Caller Well, he just called and he was like, what happened between us and all that? He said sorry.

52:08 Drew What happened between you?

52:10 Caller I don't know.

52:10 Adam Well, he dumped you, right?

52:12 Caller Yeah.

52:13 Adam Okay. So are you guys having sex?

52:15 Caller No.

52:15 Drew Why did his, why did things not work out with his ex-girlfriend?

52:20 Caller She cheated on him.

52:21 Drew So he's pining about her.

52:22 Adam Interesting. I see. All right. Hey, Jesse.

52:26 Drew Yeah. Find someone else.

52:27 Adam Yeah. Find a guy who worships you. You do. You find a guy, a guy like me would worship you or on days I couldn't worship you, I would get Iswaldo, my right-hand man, to worship you. I'd pay a guy to worship you. That's the way I am. Now, I'm very busy now. I have a lot of irons in the fire, you know, because I'm literally a millionaire.

52:48 Drew Literally.

52:49 Adam And I don't have time to worship everybody, but I certainly...

52:52 Drew You make sure that they get adequate worship.

52:55 Adam I have a money manager who takes care of guys to worship people.

52:58 Drew I understand.

52:58 Adam You understand?

52:59 Caller Yeah.

53:00 Adam I'll go down the corner, pick up a couple of day worshipers and send them right over to the old lady's house.

53:05 Drew Nice.

53:07 Adam Bruce?

53:08 Yes, sir?

53:08 Adam You're 19?

53:09 Caller Yes, I am.

53:10 Adam What's up?

53:11 Caller How are we all doing today?

53:12 Adam I'm good.

53:13 Caller All right. I just had a quick question just real quick.

53:16 Drew Yeah.

53:17 Caller I was playing around on the Internet the other night and I came across this, I guess it's testosterone replacement, androgel.

53:27 Drew This is a prescription.

53:28 Caller Right.

53:29 Drew Yeah.

53:29 Caller And I was just wondering if, I mean, if there's been anything about it that it works correctly or...

53:37 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

53:39 Drew Well, there's a number of different testosterone replacement modalities. There's testosterone, there's a TTS, testosterone derm TTS, there's testosterone gel.

53:48 Adam Patch?

53:48 Drew Yeah, patches, the shots.

53:49 Adam Is that shaped like balls or what is that? Just a regular patch?

53:52 Drew Just a regular patch. And these are for people with androgen deficiency, like people over the age of 75, people with testes to remove.

54:01 Adam Okay, hold on, Bruce, let me talk some sense into my partner because I know where you're coming from.

54:05 Caller Okay.

54:05 Drew Where's he coming from?

54:06 Adam No, I know where he's coming from.

54:07 Caller Where?

54:08 Adam I'm going to tell you if you shut up. All right. Now, quiet down. Okay, Drew, I want you to open your mind and your behind for just one second.

54:15 Drew I added imagery. Hold on a second.

54:16 Adam Just open your mind here, okay? Okay. Is it open? Fine. There's a lot of technology at work in the pharmaceutical industry. A lot of stuff that enhances life. And now just quiet down. Josh, Bruce, am I right here? I hear you. Thank you. Here's science and here's medicine. Not only are we attempting to sort of cure the ailing, but we're attempting to make life better for those who aren't ailing.

54:47 Drew No.

54:47 Adam That's a side of it.

54:48 Drew No.

54:49 Adam Well, I mean, there are things, there is a side of medicine.

54:55 Drew No.

54:55 Adam Yes, there is.

54:57 Drew That's about diet and exercise and all the other stuff is people confuse that in this country.

55:02 Adam It's cosmetic.

55:03 Drew People confuse health and optimum health.

55:06 Adam I understand. But what I'm saying is, is it's a very competitive society and we're looking for ways to restore your hair, to trim your love handles, to make your eyes bluer, to make you look tanner. We're looking for all these things. We're looking for herbs and things that help memory and help brain function and all that stuff. We're looking for performance in any way you define performance. Okay. Now, we have to balance that against the dangers of doing these things. Sure, we want our hair not to fall out, but we don't want to go impotent in the process. So there's a balance there. But to just come out dead set against anything that is of an enhancement, would be considered an enhancement, I think it's not being fair. There are certain things that work that don't prove to have too many horrible side effects.

55:58 Drew Like what?

55:59 Adam If I wasn't so tired, I think of a few things right now.

56:02 Drew They're out there.

56:03 Adam So here's what I mean.

56:04 Drew There's really no free lunch in Mother Nature. There's nothing that doesn't come with a hell of a lot of work that really has no potential ill effect.

56:11 Adam Yeah. I'm not saying you lie around and eat these testosterone patches like Fritos in front of the TV, but using it with your workout regimen or with your diet regimen, like a supplement of some kind. Why can't you open yourself up to that?

56:31 Drew Because.

56:32 Adam I may be wrong, but there may be some things out there that do actually work. I mean, what is the literature on a little extra testosterone? I have not heard bad things about that.

56:46 Drew They don't know.

56:47 Adam That's right. They don't know.

56:48 Drew It's only discussed in the context of when your testosterone levels are falling with aging. Nineteen-year-olds should not be using this.

56:56 Adam I'm with you on that. But what's wrong with a guy? Let's say Bruce is 40 now.

57:03 Drew And his levels are dropping?

57:03 Adam His testosterone is starting to go off. He's losing a little muscle mass. And they've been talking about slowing down the aging process and that kind of thing.

57:14 Drew Now you're into a sort of a medical realm. That there's going to be a medical process there.

57:18 Caller Yeah, but it's not a problem.

57:19 Drew Aging, the disease of aging. Listen, believe me, if you've ever seen a very advanced age person, you understand that is a disease process.

57:29 Adam You're your grandpa.

57:30 Drew I mean, think about your grandpa.

57:32 Adam Well, listen, here's basically the way I look at it is your life is a cycle. You're moving up and then you're inching down. And somewhere, and don't correct me if I'm wrong, somewhere in your late 30s or later 30s, you begin to die, essentially. And you just start dying.

57:49 Drew You've been dying for 14 years.

57:51 Adam Your body starts dying, everybody. Your hair starts getting thinner. It starts turning color, more wrinkles, losing muscle mass, losing bone density.

58:00 Drew You're right. There may be a place for testosterone there. There may be, and there's an argument for that. But again, not at 19.

58:06 Adam All right. Well, screw Bruce. Where's my patch?

58:09 Drew And how much to give you is an unknown if we were to do that.

58:12 Adam And we don't know the long-term effects of this. Holy Christ.

58:15 Drew Think of your hamper too then. Jesus Christ.

58:18 Adam Hey, Bruce. All right. So listen, you're 19. Wait till you start-

58:22 Drew That's anabolic steroids. That's what that is.

58:24 Adam Where do you start dying like me?

58:25 Drew That's androgenic steroids. Okay?

58:28 Adam That's what it is.

58:28 Drew That's what- No, pretty much that is precisely what it is.

58:31 Adam You don't need it at 19. You're pumping enough. But Drew, am I right to say that the body is either moving up or it's moving down. It doesn't really flatline that long.

58:40 Drew Oh, that's true.

58:42 Adam And it is a slow dying process that you and I are engaged in right now?

58:47 Drew It's not so slow.

58:48 Adam You're saying it's a fast freefall?

58:50 Drew Yeah. That would be about right.

58:52 Adam I have that thought about three days a week. I look in the mirror and I go, I'm dying.

58:58 Drew That's just what you think when you go in front of an audience.

59:01 Adam Yeah. A bombing dying. Yeah, that's what I think. No, your body is in the process of dying.

59:09 Drew I swear to God, the one thing that makes me feel not like that, exercise.

59:14 Adam Yeah.

59:14 Drew That's it.

59:14 Adam It doesn't matter though.

59:15 Drew That's it.

59:16 Adam Well, you're staving off the Grim Reaper.

59:19 Drew Yeah.

59:20 Adam He's got next game though, while you're out in the court getting your exercise. He's sitting on the bench saying next game. The point is though, is physiologically, you can slow it down, but you are dying after, what, your mid 30s?

59:33 Drew 21. But you feel in that lack of will to live.

59:39 Adam Yeah, it's different. Right. That sucks.

59:45 Drew You taught me both you and I agree on testosterone. That's it.

59:48 Adam Hey, give me one of those patches. Let me try that out. Dan.

59:53 Drew You could increase your risk of heart disease, stroke, prostate cancer.

59:55 Adam All right. It's all worth it to look good in a bikini. Dan, you're 20. What's up?

1:00:02 Caller My best friend for 10 years, as of lately, the women that I've been interested in, he's been stealing them from me.

1:00:12 Drew Stealing them from you. Give us the example of the latest stealing episode. What exactly happened?

1:00:17 Adam Well, they're in love with Dan, but they have to go over to his side because they're stolen.

1:00:23 Caller Yeah, they're hyped.

1:00:26 Caller Like for instance, I do a lot of phone chat lines.

1:00:32 Drew Shocking.

1:00:35 Caller I get to meet him, then he gets to meet him because he's always around me, and all of a sudden, they're talking to him and they don't want nothing else to do with me.

1:00:48 Drew Because he steals them or because they're interested in him?

1:00:52 Caller Well, that's kind of hard to say because...

1:00:54 Adam Well, let me ask you a hypothetical. What if he met them first? Do you think you could steal him away?

1:01:01 Caller Don't know.

1:01:01 Drew Why do you keep him around when you meet these girls?

1:01:03 Adam Why do you keep going to meet these girls with your buddy?

1:01:06 Caller He's always around. I can't get rid of him.

1:01:08 Drew Yeah, you could.

1:01:09 Adam Yeah, you can.

1:01:10 Drew Of course you can.

1:01:10 Adam Easy. You just don't tell him that you're going to meet up with a chick, or you tell him you're going to meet up with a chick. You can't figure that one out?

1:01:20 Caller That's true.

1:01:21 Adam Hey, Dan, any guy says to another guy, I met this hot chick online. I'm going to go meet her at the theater or the restaurant, the mall, whatever. I'm flying solo tonight, partner. Unless the chick's bringing a friend, he ain't going.

1:01:37 Caller True.

1:01:37 Adam Okay. Another thing, Dan, they would not be stolen away if they were into you. I hate to say that. No, actually, I kind of enjoy it.

1:01:48 Drew Maybe he's not closing. You know what I mean?

1:01:50 Adam Yeah. Listen, fellers, here's the deal. Tonight is a delusional male night on Loveline. Oftentimes, the show will go direction, will pick a theme unintentionally.

1:02:02 Drew This is the DM night.

1:02:03 Adam Delusional male night.

1:02:04 Drew Absolutely.

1:02:06 Adam A girl who likes you will not be stolen away from you unless you do not do anything. But if you go to meet her with your buddy and she's really into you and leaves with him, she ain't into you. It's hard for guys to accept that. I had no problem getting used to that concept. I knew it. I had a buddy who got-

1:02:29 Drew I know, Chris.

1:02:30 Adam That guy got more tail than Mick Jagger. He really did. I stopped bringing him. I had no way. I didn't even like going out to eat with the guy.

1:02:39 Drew Because the waitresses would-

1:02:41 Adam I swear to Christ, you go out to eat with the guy. The waitress walked right up, they look right at him. Honey, you need to warm up on that coffee? He'd say, no, I'm fine. I'd be sitting there with the cup upside down banging on it with a spoon, and they walk right away with that coffee pot. Women don't even pretend.

1:02:55 Drew That still happens to you though.

1:02:56 Adam You know what I mean?

1:02:57 Drew That's not just because of Chris.

1:02:58 Adam Like a male waiter, a male waiter would go, okay, there's a hot chick and a dumpy chick over there. But I'm going to go pay a little more extra attention to the dumpy chick because I bet that hot chick gets tons of attention.

1:03:08 Drew The hot chick will be appreciative of me more.

1:03:11 Adam Right, if I pay a little more. But chicks don't do that. Dumpy guy, that would be me. And then hot buddy Chris, sitting over there, they just go right over to him and start serving him coffee. It was great. Really made me feel good.

1:03:26 Drew That's right, you peed on him later. Right?

1:03:30 Adam He peed on me more than I peed on him.

1:03:32 Drew No.

1:03:32 Adam Oh yeah.

1:03:33 Drew Why did you hang out with him? You stole all the women, peed on you, flung poo at you, beat the crap out of you. Perfect relationship.

1:03:40 Adam Well, let's say I beat the crap out of him too. Okay, so. As far as the flung poo part, that two things say to it. One is, how dare you? And the second is, how dare you? Joshua, you're 35?

1:03:59 Caller Yeah.

1:03:59 Adam Letters up.

1:04:01 Caller First off, while I was on hold, I could hear you guys working real hard doing commercials during the break, and I want to say I'm a little bit disillusioned in you, Adam, because I've always figured you had this sort of dent of debauchery that you go into during breaks, and so like.

1:04:16 Drew Now, we usually launch, actually into very intense discussions during the break.

1:04:20 Caller But so like.

1:04:21 Adam What did you hear us doing during the break?

1:04:23 Drew How did they hear that? They heard us doing those drops, those top of the hour things.

1:04:28 Adam Oh, yeah.

1:04:29 Caller Figuring out that the man behind the curtains, the wizard, you know.

1:04:32 Adam Oh, I mean, we had to do the, hey, this is Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew, you're listening to Loveline. Oh, yeah, we're doing like an affiliate.

1:04:40 Drew ID.

1:04:41 Adam ID's, yeah. And we don't do that that often, though. That's interesting. And that's probably, I wonder why you heard that. Oh, anyway.

1:04:50 Because they hear everything live. So anything you guys are saying on the mic, they hear it.

1:04:53 Adam I see. Well, we're total pros. Well, what about normally during commercials?

1:04:57 So they hear it if I turn the mics on, but I don't.

1:04:59 Adam Oh, OK. Hi, Joshua. Well, you got to get a little peek behind the curtain there.

1:05:05 Caller Yeah.

1:05:06 Caller OK. My my question is for Dr. Drew. And actually, if I'll try to be fast, but I have a few questions which are related to the same thing. Today, I discovered a little lump. It feels like it's on the end of the tube that connects to my testicle, or hopefully it's not coming out of my testicle.

1:05:27 Drew And is it round, smooth?

1:05:30 Caller It's kind of round and smooth. It feels like it's probably smooth on the outside, but it does feel kind of like an organ.

1:05:38 Drew Well, just rule of thumb. Things that are spongy, round, smooth, not bad things.

1:05:44 Caller Okay.

1:05:44 Drew Rule of thumb.

1:05:45 Caller Okay. I was wondering if it might be something that had kind of flared up due to what you might call, what I've heard you refer to as a twisted testicle.

1:05:55 Drew No, you wouldn't. Well, do you have that?

1:05:57 Caller No. I mean, not that I know of.

1:05:59 Drew People that have torsions do get cysts and things, but no, it doesn't cause a cyst. If you don't have a torsion, that's not.

1:06:07 Adam Hold on. I'm still preoccupied about the mic thing.

1:06:11 Drew I know.

1:06:12 Adam Has it always been that way, Anderson, that people on hold can hear us talk when the mics are on?

1:06:17 Only when you're doing liners though.

1:06:18 Caller Oh.

1:06:19 Adam How come you never mention anything about that?

1:06:21 Drew How come no caller ever mentioned that to us?

1:06:23 Caller How come no caller ever mentioned that to us?

1:06:24 It's like that with every show.

1:06:26 Drew Yeah, we just want to wind up.

1:06:27 Adam With every show. How many shows are we doing?

1:06:29 I mean, you're talking about our callers. They don't talk about anything.

1:06:32 Adam Oh, that's true. They're idiots. But, I mean, it's the kind of thing you should probably bring up, just so we know.

1:06:37 Caller Yeah, I thought that you just knew radio. Sorry.

1:06:40 Drew Wait, we do those things about once every four months.

1:06:43 Caller Yeah.

1:06:45 Adam So, you're saying in every situation where you do a line... What did we do? A liner? Where you do liners, whoever's on hold in the phone bank can hear what the person is saying.

1:06:58 Caller I called the radio show one time and I was on hold and I heard all that.

1:07:01 Adam Oh really?

1:07:03 Caller All right.

1:07:04 Adam Listen, Anderson, don't teach us any lessons about radio. Just inform us of these things. Drew could have been talking about something very sensitive.

1:07:12 Caller And he has and I laugh.

1:07:14 Drew Nice. How dare you?

1:07:16 Caller I can change it if you want.

1:07:18 Adam Thank you. You don't need to, although you probably should, but you should just let us know in case Drew starts talking about a divorce or something.

1:07:25 Caller You know, I mean, everything that you're saying is being recorded anyways and being sent off to stations. So they have it.

1:07:31 Adam Right. Right.

1:07:32 Caller I'm you should be watching yourself anyways in these situations.

1:07:35 Adam Right. Right. I don't care that much.

1:07:37 Drew Sometimes we want the stations to hear us complaining about the crappy that's right.

1:07:41 Adam And they must be delighted when we ask how they pronounce, how they pronounce the city that they're in. Jen, Jen, caller goes by the name of Jen. It's 21. What's up?

1:07:55 Caller Hi. I have a question. I've been in, actually the first time I had sex, I was raped and I haven't really had good choice in men. And I've, I was in a pretty sexually abusive relationship for a couple of years. And I've been out of that now for about two years.

1:08:12 Adam What's sexually abusive? How does that go?

1:08:15 Caller Basically, I have no self-esteem and I was, I had a problem with drugs at the time. And I would pretty much do whatever he told me to do. Things that I would never even think of doing now.

1:08:26 Drew Other people.

1:08:29 Adam You had sex with other people?

1:08:31 Caller I had that too, yeah. With him and things like that.

1:08:34 Adam Other people too?

1:08:35 Caller Uh-huh.

1:08:36 Adam Was any of this to get drug money or was just, is that what he wanted?

1:08:40 Caller I've later found out that that's pretty much what he was getting.

1:08:43 Adam That's a great guy.

1:08:44 Caller Yeah.

1:08:46 Adam Hey, I'll let you do Drew's headphone stop warning and I'll take over here. So this guy's like, hey, you bang my girlfriend. If you give me 40 bucks, I can buy some crank.

1:08:54 Caller Pretty much. And I've been clean for a little while now, a few years, a couple years. And he's been out of my life for about two years. And I've been in a relationship for about a year now. And when we have sex, I feel trapped sometimes. And I've talked to him about this. And it's been an on-going problem, like, forever.

1:09:16 Adam Who raped you? And how old were you?

1:09:18 Caller I was 14.

1:09:22 Adam 14.

1:09:23 Drew That was the first time it happened?

1:09:24 Caller Yeah.

1:09:24 Adam Who did that to you?

1:09:26 Caller It was a guy that was, like, kind of popular that used to hang out with the crowd we hung out around with.

1:09:30 Drew How old was he?

1:09:31 Caller He was a year older than me.

1:09:32 Adam Well.

1:09:32 Drew 15.

1:09:34 Adam Listen, I know this is not going to gain me any votes, but if you're going to be raped, you might as well get raped by Mr. Popular. What's that?

1:09:44 Caller Excuse me.

1:09:44 Adam Oh, yeah.

1:09:45 Caller Can't cuss on the air.

1:09:46 Adam Hey, Jen.

1:09:47 Caller Yeah.

1:09:47 Adam You slipped the S word and the F word in in about a 15-second period there. So you got to, we're not one of your ex-ruggy buddies. Turn it down now.

1:09:56 Caller Okay.

1:09:57 Drew All right.

1:09:59 Caller I'm a little nervous.

1:10:00 Adam I understand.

1:10:00 Drew But you're able to have a decent relationship now, right?

1:10:03 Caller Yeah. Everything's going surprisingly well.

1:10:05 Drew All right. You have a sponsor.

1:10:07 Caller Yes, I do.

1:10:08 Drew And what does the sponsor say about this?

1:10:11 Caller Well, we kind of talk about it every now and then. And it's something that, I mean, that's why I'm calling you guys.

1:10:21 Drew What does she say about it?

1:10:22 Caller There's nothing she can tell me.

1:10:23 Drew Nothing she can tell you?

1:10:24 Caller Not really.

1:10:25 Drew No way she can reassure you.

1:10:26 Caller You know, the passes or whatever.

1:10:27 Drew Yeah. Some of these things are very hard to undo. They really are. They're very powerful sort of biological events etched into your brain. And, you know, I think this may be the time. You haven't had any professional intervention since you've gotten sober?

1:10:43 Caller Yeah. Oh, since I got sober, no. But I've been seeing a psychiatrist since I was about 12.

1:10:48 Drew Have you talked to him or her?

1:10:49 Caller No.

1:10:50 Caller Not since I got clean.

1:10:51 Caller No.

1:10:51 Drew You gotta talk. It's time now. You're two years into a good program of recovery. Very often you find certain areas that need work. And I think you come upon it. And that's when professional invention can rea... and here's the good news. It can be really effective. In the context of an overall program of recovery. If we're to go in and say I've got this problem, I have a mood disturbance, I have a, you know, this is a post-traumatic stress reaction. Those things can be very effective.

1:11:15 Adam How's your new man treating you?

1:11:17 Caller Really good. I mean, I've talked to him about it. And like, if I'm feeling that way...

1:11:22 Caller Jen, do me a favor.

1:11:23 Drew Do me a favor, will you please tell people what happens to the relationships and the people that you come upon when you're in recovery?

1:11:32 Caller What do you mean?

1:11:33 Drew I don't know what you mean either. In other words, you had all these awful choices you made before you got into recovery. When you got into recovery, what started happening?

1:11:42 Caller Well, the guy that I was with, I didn't like him anymore.

1:11:45 Drew I'm still not asking this one. You didn't like him anymore?

1:11:47 Adam You never get any answers you want.

1:11:48 Drew Let's let her tell us.

1:11:49 Adam Go ahead.

1:11:49 Caller I didn't like him anymore. I came more onto my own self.

1:11:54 Drew As you grew, you grew away from this guy, you saw what he was, you handed it.

1:11:58 Caller Then I spent a few months on my own and trying to get to know who I was.

1:12:01 Drew How about the people you started attracting after that?

1:12:03 Caller Oh, totally different.

1:12:05 Drew Totally different.

1:12:06 Caller Yeah.

1:12:06 Drew That's what I wanted to make, is that people can look forward to not only just seeing how crappy their relationships are, but they will begin attracting a whole new kind of person.

1:12:17 Adam I know. It's great. The guy who comes along, the good guy, Mr. Nice guy, the guy who had a five-year relationship out of high school, never raised his hand to his woman. They broke up because they moved away, and now has to sit there masturbating and crying in the corner, being regaled with stories of rape and prostitution. This poor sons of bitches. I'll tell you, Jen, I know the horse is out of the barn now, but talk to your therapist about this. Work it out. You know, talk to your boyfriend some, but don't lay it on too thick about it. You understand the reason why you can't get on top is because I had too many guys on top of me who were too high on coke, and a lot of them couldn't get erections, so I had to do things in order to give them erections. There was a band of gypsies who played. One guy played the Bell of Lycae, the other guy played the Squeeze Box while Rows of Men would have sex with me, and they'd throw money in a hat. Actually, it was an open guitar case. I kept it at the foot of the bed. You know what I'm saying? Oh, there's nothing a guy loves more than those stories. It is great. Honey, the reason I can't have sex with you is because I've been banged too many times. My vagina's tired. Ass grass sandwiches in brown sauce.

1:13:36 Drew Ass grass sandwiches.

1:13:39 Adam In brown sauce. We're going to take a little break. We'll be back.

1:13:45 Caller Um, back in a minute.

1:14:17 Adam Hey, it's the Love Line. I'm Adam Carolla. That is Dr. Drew over there. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V- All right, let me give you guys some quick carpentry tips before we hop on the phone, because Drew's got a door that's sagging, and he wants an answer.

1:14:30 Drew What makes them sag, though? Is it house, saddle, or some earth?

1:14:34 Adam They're like breasts, as they get older, they tend to sag.

1:14:37 Drew Really?

1:14:37 Adam Yes, here's the deal, it's gravity, you're fighting gravity.

1:14:40 Drew But it just, all of a sudden, door's closing fine, all of a sudden, power, it's just...

1:14:44 Adam Okay, here's what's gonna make a door stick. House settling, or there's gonna be a weather change, moisture in the air, that kind of thing. But here's the deal, everybody. Before you shave those doors down, readjust them. Do not, nothing changed. The door didn't get bigger, so you don't have to shave it.

1:15:00 Drew Yeah, how do you readjust it?

1:15:01 Adam Okay, obviously the bottom is hitting. Okay, so you got a couple of options. That top hinge could be a little loose. Sometimes the screws get a little loose. You got to suck them in tight. And if they don't suck in tight, like the screw just keeps turning in there, pull the screw out, take a golf tee or a toothpick, something wooden, like a golf tee is nice. Put a little wood glue on it, put it back in the hole, and bust it off. Then put the screw back into it so it bites. Suck on it a little bit. You know, suck it down, cinch it up. If you got to move a door, you can open the door, you can put something in, like a big nail in the bottom of the hinge, in between the two hinges, and then shut the door and bend the hinge out. So it kicks it out. You got to get the top to go this way and the bottom to go that way.

1:15:47 Drew Yeah.

1:15:47 Adam That's good radio when I say this way and that way.

1:15:49 Drew Tell me again the radio on the hinge. Where does the nail go?

1:15:53 Adam The nail, I got to show you. Okay. Don't do that. Tighten up that top hinge.

1:15:58 Drew Yeah.

1:15:59 Adam That's what you need to do.

1:16:00 Drew Got that.

1:16:00 Adam And you can bend the top hinge too.

1:16:02 Drew Bend it.

1:16:04 Adam Yeah. Bend it that way. You can take a block of wood, put it on the hinge, take a hammer and smack on it. You buy yourself a sixteenth of an inch that way.

1:16:11 Drew There you go.

1:16:11 Adam Look for the areas. Fill that space.

1:16:14 Drew It's like a solid core dorm. It's like solid.

1:16:16 Adam It's heavy and it's starting to sag. But it's the top hinge you got to worry about. Tighten those screws up. You'll be fine. Listen, do not cut those doors, everybody. Adjust them. Tweak those hinges around. Thank you. Sandra?

1:16:30 Caller Hi. I met this guy who's 22 about three weeks ago, and I've been dating him ever since. And this past Saturday, we both went to a party and we started to get a little more intimate than usual. He went down on me first, and then it was my turn, so I took off his pants. And I started laughing because he was about three and a half inches long. So he put his pants back on and he left the room and the party. And I've been trying to contact him ever since, but he's not picking up his cell phone and he's not returning my pages or anything.

1:16:59 Drew Well, he's done you a huge favor.

1:17:01 Caller Huh?

1:17:02 Drew He's done you a huge favor.

1:17:04 Caller Really?

1:17:05 Adam It's got something to bring up at your next trip to The Therapist. Sixteen-year-old saw the dork and started laughing at a party. You really started laughing?

1:17:18 Caller Because he was really small and I don't like him.

1:17:21 Adam Was he erect?

1:17:23 Caller Yeah, he was.

1:17:23 Drew He started laughing like hysterically or just sort of giggling?

1:17:25 Caller No, just like, not hysterically, just like a little bit.

1:17:28 Drew Like, oh my God, look at this.

1:17:30 Caller Yeah.

1:17:30 Drew You didn't tell me?

1:17:31 Adam And did you go to work on it after that?

1:17:35 Caller No, because he just left.

1:17:37 Adam He just pulled his pants up and left?

1:17:39 Drew It's so cute.

1:17:41 Adam And how does it work when you go to a party and he goes down on you? I mean, is there a sex room somewhere? Is there a dungeon at this party?

1:17:50 Caller It was upstairs.

1:17:52 Adam Oh, you're upstairs? Okay. Everyone downstairs was in a wheelchair? No. I see. Not a gimp party, no? Listen, how does that? I mean, I couldn't focus on going down on someone in a party when I was just in like the kid's room, the door, a jar. I mean, people coming in, getting their jackets.

1:18:12 Drew Well, let's not forget the fact also this guy's a criminal, right? He's 22, she's 16. Look, this guy's an idiot. Although he has no prick, he is one.

1:18:19 Adam Thank you. Ooh, solid.

1:18:22 Drew Thank you.

1:18:22 Adam Hey, Sandra, what's up with you? I mean, A, that you're going out with a 22-year-old and B, you've seen enough penis at the ripe old age of 16.

1:18:31 Drew To be disappointed by it.

1:18:32 Adam To be disappointed and start laughing at it.

1:18:36 Caller Yeah.

1:18:36 Adam Yeah. What's up? How many guys you've been with?

1:18:39 Caller I haven't really been with that many.

1:18:41 Drew How many?

1:18:43 Caller Only like two, but when I was, I don't know because when I was 13, I don't know if you call it abuse, but I was raped by my brother's friend who's 18.

1:18:54 Drew Fabulous.

1:18:55 Adam You're not Jewish, right?

1:18:56 Caller No.

1:18:57 Adam Right. Because that's the Gentile rite of passage.

1:19:01 Drew The 13-year-old rite.

1:19:01 Adam We were talking about this earlier with the Jewish gals, it's the Bat Mitzvah.

1:19:05 Drew Yes.

1:19:06 Adam For the Gentiles, it's a rape by the older friend or stepbrother.

1:19:11 Drew It's a Mitzvah and it's a rape.

1:19:12 Adam Mitzvah and a rape.

1:19:13 Drew Rape Mitzvah.

1:19:14 Adam Mazel Tov. That's what we say. Wait a minute.

1:19:18 Caller Hold on.

1:19:19 Adam Where the hell was she?

1:19:21 Caller Yeah.

1:19:22 Adam Sondra?

1:19:23 Caller All right.

1:19:23 Adam So how old was the guy who raped you when you were 13?

1:19:27 Caller He was 18.

1:19:28 Adam I see. So that's a bad thing, right? You were a little bit freaked out?

1:19:32 Caller Yeah. Like, I was too scared to say anything to him at the time.

1:19:35 Adam You ever get any counseling?

1:19:37 Caller No, I didn't.

1:19:38 Adam No. So now you're just kind of left alone with your feelings and you're acting out a little, going out with older guys. Yeah.

1:19:46 Drew I want you to do a little work on this. See if you can find a way to make choices that make you happier.

1:19:52 Adam Okay. We're glad that you laughed at a small penis though.

1:19:55 Drew Delighted.

1:19:57 Adam Jesus Christ. I would kill myself if I was trying to bang some 16-year-old, she started laughing when I dropped my pants. Going to a party with them. The hell's that work? I mean, if I was 22 and getting around with a 16-year-old, I sure as hell wouldn't be going to parties with them. It'd be like, here's a lollipop. This is daddy's little secret. Don't tell nobody.

1:20:25 Drew Yeah. But this is part of the whole vibe of a guy that's doing that. They're still stuck in that sort of high school stage.

1:20:30 Adam Just an idiot? 22 and someone's in the 10th or 11th grade? Jesus Christ.

1:20:37 Caller Eric?

1:20:37 Caller Yeah.

1:20:38 Adam You're 18?

1:20:38 Caller Yeah.

1:20:39 Adam That's up.

1:20:40 Caller Nothing. My question is actually for Drew. Yeah. I've been on antidepressants for about five or six months now. And before I was on antidepressants, I've been a cutter for about two and a half years. And that was my only problem up until then was the fact that I was cutting. I went on antidepressants and first I was on WellBeutrin. And that one just made me just made me like paranoid. Then they put me on Selexa. And that made me actually physically violent. Like I flipped out one time and I threw my girlfriend, she's my ex-girlfriend now, but I threw her across her living room. I mean I flipped out like really, really hard. After that I was put on Remeron as a sedative and that didn't do anything. And now I'm on Paxil.

1:21:37 Drew What kind of doctor are you prescribing all this?

1:21:38 Caller Psychiatrist. I have been institutionalized twice because I've tried to commit suicide three times.

1:21:45 Drew Are they talking about ECT or anything like that?

1:21:47 Caller No, they're not talking about it at all. And I don't think I'd let them because it's too iffy about whether it helps or not. I just want to know.

1:21:57 Adam Wait a minute. Isn't it EST?

1:22:00 Drew Electric Convulsive Therapy.

1:22:02 Adam Oh, it's not the shock?

1:22:03 Drew No, electric convulsive.

1:22:05 Adam What's the difference between shock therapy and convulsive therapy?

1:22:08 Drew Same, but it's ECT.

1:22:10 Adam They don't like to call it shock?

1:22:11 Drew They don't call it shock.

1:22:12 Adam Sounds bad. My favorite Simpsons joke of all time was the same thing, which is Bart Simpson goes up to a cop, grabs his nightstick and says, hey, can I play with your club? He said, son, we don't call the club, we call the baton. He said, what do you do with it? He goes, club people. I thought, yeah, that's what the ECT is opposed to electroshock therapy, right?

1:22:38 Drew Right. Okay.

1:22:40 Caller It's like, lately, I've been having a whole bunch of memories that I thought I had gotten rid of.

1:22:45 Drew Have you been on Ziprexa, Resperidol, Haldol?

1:22:48 Caller No, I haven't.

1:22:49 Drew No, I mean, that's the-

1:22:51 Caller I'm also on Depakote because I was recently diagnosed manic depressive.

1:22:54 Drew Well-

1:22:55 Adam Hey, Eric?

1:22:56 Caller Yeah.

1:22:56 Adam What's going on?

1:22:57 Caller I was sexually abused by my mom from the time I was three until I was about 13.

1:23:01 Drew By your mom?

1:23:02 Caller By my mom, yeah.

1:23:05 Adam My mom always planned on sexually abusing me, but I couldn't get her out of her bedroom.

1:23:10 Caller Then my dad basically abandoned us.

1:23:14 Drew Were they addicts? Were your parents addicts?

1:23:16 Caller No, but I've been emotionally, physically, and sexually abused.

1:23:20 Drew Yeah, no kidding.

1:23:21 Adam Sexually-

1:23:22 Caller I'm three for three.

1:23:24 Adam Sexually abused by your mom.

1:23:26 Caller She used to force me to take showers with her and she- I know I'm not supposed to say that word necessarily.

1:23:33 Adam Right. But I mean, you never had- did you have sex with her?

1:23:36 Caller No, at least I don't- not that I remember. Prude. It's like lately, lately I've been cutting really bad. I mean, right now I have over 50 cuts on my arm, and two of them go down to the muscle.

1:23:48 Adam Hey, Eric, let me ask you, I'm not calling you a liar, but taking showers with your mom is not necessarily sex. It's out of line.

1:23:57 Caller But when she's like touching you and groping you and fondling you.

1:24:02 Adam Yeah.

1:24:02 Caller That's out of line.

1:24:04 Adam That's out of line. It's all out of line. I just want to make sure that's not a situation where you got a little emotional problem and she's got a little emotional problem and you're both misinterpreting things.

1:24:16 Caller No.

1:24:16 Adam It was sex or sexual abuse.

1:24:18 Caller This is not. Yeah, I'm not. Okay.

1:24:20 Caller All right.

1:24:21 Adam Okay. So you have every right in the world to be a little nutty.

1:24:24 Caller Yeah.

1:24:24 Caller My question for Drew is, I don't know, have you ever heard of Neurocom?

1:24:28 Drew No.

1:24:29 Caller It's a herbal alternative.

1:24:32 Drew Yeah. But look, you're using some very powerful pharmacologic agents and herb is not going to do much for you.

1:24:38 Caller Yeah. And I mean, but there was this guy that I was talking to. He was the one who told my mom about it. And that was this is the first time when my mom told me about it. This is the first contact I've had with her in about a month and a half. I talked to him and basically he has almost the same story as me.

1:24:54 Drew Look.

1:24:54 Adam Hey, Eric, let me explain something. You don't need a pellet gun. You need a.357 Magnum. You got some problems here. They're serious problems. And it's like you can't go after a pterodactyl with a can of Raid.

1:25:12 Drew You also shouldn't be treating yourself.

1:25:14 Adam Write that one down.

1:25:14 Drew That's a good one.

1:25:15 Caller I'm not treating myself. I mean, I'm taking my medication as the doctor tells me to.

1:25:18 Drew No, but it's other stuff. If the doctor wants to supervise you, take it. That's fine. But it's not likely to do much as Adam said.

1:25:23 Adam That's great parenting. Hey, listen, you don't think you can make monsters? I mean, you don't think you can create these things at home? Screw with your kid enough and that's it. I never really thought this way before I did this show, but I'm really starting to think that that brain is soft, it's pliable, and you f with it for long enough during the right period of time.

1:25:53 Drew And you don't have to do much. It's not doing too much, not doing enough, doing a little too much.

1:25:59 Adam Right.

1:26:00 Drew That's it.

1:26:00 Caller Yeah.

1:26:02 Adam Yeah, but look at me.

1:26:03 Drew That's the point.

1:26:04 Adam How dare you?

1:26:05 Drew How dare you?

1:26:06 Adam How dare you, sir? How dare you? How dare you, sir? I was saying to somebody today, I was working on my house. It was actually a few days ago, I said to him, we're talking about something. And I said, yeah, this situation here, this is unacceptable. And I stopped for a second, I started laughing. I said, wait a minute, I never used the word unacceptable until I started making money. You don't use, you never say, I never said unacceptable in 15 years. You know what I mean? Like every year I made $18,000 a year, drove, beat a pickup truck and had no insurance.

1:26:37 Drew Everything was acceptable.

1:26:38 Adam I never, I said this sucks, this is no good, but I never said, this is unacceptable.

1:26:44 Caller I started laughing. Unacceptable.

1:26:47 Adam All right, I'll tell you one thing, this is going to be acceptable. That's good radio, by the way, that semi bumpy transition. Yeah. We're going to come back to the little lightning round. Oh yeah, kiddies. Buckle up. Buckle up.

1:27:00 Caller We'll be back.

1:27:03 Caller Love Line will be right back. So get your problems ready. Ready.

1:27:59 Drew Oh, no times left. Let's go. Let's wrap it up.

1:28:22 Caller Let's check the timer.

1:28:23 Adam It's 1148. That's 11 minutes and 30 seconds away from the top of the hour, straight up the lightning round. And you're listening to the fastest 12 minutes in radio. We're gonna hop on the phones and be, Taylor, what's happening to me, bro? 23 years old, what's going on there, buddy? Taylor? Yeah, dad, how about it? Yeah? Taylor, what's going on there? They're doing lightning round, Ace Rockolla, Dr. Drew. What's wrong? You think you're sexual deviant. You're deviant, honey?

1:28:54 Caller I think I am.

1:28:55 Adam Let's just make some room in my little black book for you, you know what I'm saying?

1:28:58 Drew What does it you do?

1:28:59 Caller On a serious note, let me just give you some background information first. I'm 23.

1:29:04 Caller I'm a full-time student.

1:29:05 Adam Taylor, hold on a second. Let's check that. It's 1149 in 15 seconds. At 10 minutes, 45 seconds away from the hour straight on the widget hour. Go ahead, Taylor.

1:29:14 Caller Okay.

1:29:15 Caller And I've noticed throughout the years that I really, really, really like it for someone to, I guess, tie me up. I like to be submissive.

1:29:26 Drew All right. What's your question? We got the picture.

1:29:27 Caller My question is, is the desire to be completely ravaged in bed, does that maybe stem from something, a trauma or perhaps?

1:29:39 Drew I don't know. Does it?

1:29:40 Adam Let me tell you something, Taylor. You are a Taylor made for Ace Rockolla because I like a little rough tray. I like to tan a little hard sexually. You know what I'm saying, everybody?

1:29:49 Caller Twinkie hole, baby.

1:29:50 Caller Woo.

1:29:52 Adam Yeah, what's going on there, Dr. Drew?

1:29:53 Drew Taylor, you're okay. Just be aware that fetishes sometimes distance you from your partner.

1:30:00 Adam Before we go to the back of the boat, let's check the hour. It's 11.50 straight up, 10 minutes away.

1:30:11 Jesus Christ in heaven.

1:30:13 Adam Where are we happening on W2C? There we go. Let's speak to Michelle. Michelle, 20 years old, with the lightning ride, what's going on?

1:30:20 Caller Well, I have a question. Well, it's more like, can you help me out? My husband, he was back home for three months while I was visiting my folks in the state. And I found condoms missing out of our door.

1:30:33 Adam Condoms out of the door?

1:30:34 Drew How many?

1:30:36 Caller Nine of them.

1:30:37 Drew Nine? You keep the condom. Did you count them before you left?

1:30:40 Caller Yeah, we had 15 condoms in our door, and nobody gets into our stuff except for us, obviously. And on top of that, I found some white sores on him, and I refused to have sex with him before he went overseas.

1:30:53 Caller Hold on a second.

1:30:54 Adam First off, shut the window. There may be a draft. Let's check the time real quick. It's 1151 in 10 seconds. That is eight minutes. The way that they are there. All right, so you were missing some canons from each one.

1:31:12 Drew I see a character from Boising Saddles.

1:31:15 Caller Yeah, it's, you know, I question about it, and at the first time I questioned him, he said, well, I don't know where they went. And then 20 minutes later, I asked him that again, and I go, did you jack off with one of them, or some of them are wet? And he says, well, I used one, but I don't know where the rest are.

1:31:32 Drew It's suspicious. Why did you have suspicions about him? So much so that you were counting condoms.

1:31:36 Caller Well, we don't usually use them because I cannot get pregnant.

1:31:40 Drew But you already had a suspicion about him, right?

1:31:42 Caller Yes, I did.

1:31:43 Drew Why? Why?

1:31:44 Caller Well, he stopped talking to me because we've known each other forever.

1:31:48 Drew Has he cheated before?

1:31:49 Caller He's never cheated on me as far as I'm aware.

1:31:51 Drew You said something about him going overseas?

1:31:53 Adam Hey, Michelle, this is Ace Rockolla. Remember I told you to crack a window so I let a little draft in the room? Right. You may want to move the drapes before you do that.

1:32:03 Drew Where is he going overseas? Why is he going overseas?

1:32:05 Caller He's in the military.

1:32:07 Adam Guilty. Guilty.

1:32:10 Caller It's been bothering me. We've known each other for-

1:32:12 Drew You were away for three months.

1:32:14 Caller I was visiting home and then he did come up on emergency leave for one reason or another.

1:32:19 Caller Where's home?

1:32:21 Caller Washington State. I see. He would visit me for a couple of weeks and then he went overseas after I supervised some packing where we were living.

1:32:33 Drew Was he at Pendleton or something? Make no reference to that packing, please.

1:32:36 Caller Huh?

1:32:37 Drew Was he at Pendleton or something? Was he down here in California?

1:32:39 Caller He was in California.

1:32:40 Drew Pendleton?

1:32:41 Caller No.

1:32:42 Caller Okay.

1:32:42 Caller All right.

1:32:44 Adam You found his drawers. I don't trust the man in the middle here.

1:32:52 Drew Well, also she's already had some trust issues.

1:32:54 Caller She needs to-

1:32:55 Drew I think maybe the therapist is a safe set to talk about it.

1:32:58 Adam Let's check the time. It's 1153 in five seconds. That is six minutes and 55 seconds.

1:33:03 Caller The wave is up there straight up on Ace Rockolla.

1:33:05 Adam Let's go run a little time for a side back of the boat and get the problem solved. Nick, what's going on there? 17 years old. Back there in the middle of the line around. Fastest 13 and a half minutes on the radio. What's going on?

1:33:18 Caller I just want to say I like what you do, Adam.

1:33:20 Adam Thank you, Nick. What's your problem, brother?

1:33:22 Caller Well, recently I just took a girl's virginity and that wasn't exactly my first time, if you know what I mean. Yeah, but I'm thinking she has more feelings attached to it.

1:33:33 Drew Which would be normal, right?

1:33:34 Caller Yeah.

1:33:36 Adam Nick, let me check down. It's 1153 in 45 seconds. Six minutes and 15 seconds away from the wave straight up on Ace Rockolla.

1:33:43 Drew Her deal is she thinks she's going to marry you. That's where she's at. Guarantee it. Yeah. Be careful with her feelings. You will really harm her.

1:33:51 Adam We all remember her first, don't we?

1:33:54 Drew Time for a break. Let me check them.

1:33:56 Adam It's 1154.

1:34:40 Caller Yep, bloodline.

1:34:42 Caller Alright, there you go.

1:34:43 Adam Another fabulous show. In the can.

1:34:45 Drew Wow. Woo.

1:34:47 Caller Rough day at the office, huh?

1:34:49 Adam All right, until next time, this is Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo.

1:34:54 Drew This guy's an idiot. Although he has no prick, he is one.

1:34:58 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Ann Wilkins Engel. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Monday, September 18, 2000