Episode 1000754887105

1:02 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised. Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew Loveline Coast to Coast.

1:13 Adam Yes, it is. I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Drew over there. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Dr. Drew's a board certified physician and addiction medicine specialist. And tonight we're happy to have our good friend Rob Schneider on the show.

1:28 Rob Schneider Thank you, Adam. It's great to be here.

1:30 Adam Good to have you back, Rob.

1:31 Rob Schneider Pleasure is all mine. Dr. Drew, good to see you.

1:34 Adam The Animal is the name of the film. It is opening tomorrow, Friday, June 1st, right?

1:39 Rob Schneider Thank you, yes.

1:39 Adam I'm psyched about that. I have seen multi, multi, multi commercials for this movie. And I've actually did a man show bit where I was touring around on a double decker bus today, all through town, and saw several thousand The Animal movie posters. So this is what you call a big release.

1:59 Rob Schneider Yeah, they're spending the money. That's nice. You know, usually most movies I've done, they haven't spent the money, so it's nice.

2:05 Drew But they must like it.

2:06 Rob Schneider They like it. So it's a nice movie. It's PG-13.

2:08 Drew Colleen's in it.

2:09 Rob Schneider Colleen is hot. And in the movie.

2:13 Adam Yeah.

2:14 Rob Schneider You know, she's the kind of hot that doesn't piss off women, you know? Right. Like Cindy Crawford. Anger is women, actually.

2:19 Adam Yeah.

2:19 Rob Schneider I don't like her. But Colleen, she just sneaks right in there.

2:23 Adam She's what I call sleeper hot. And I always think that part of the appeal to sleeper hot is that guys think they actually got a shot with her. Because she seems like a civilian.

2:36 Rob Schneider You know, you're right. There's just on the edge of believability and possibility. She works that. She talks to people, you know, who she has no interest in, I'm just guessing. But she still talks to them.

2:46 Drew Also, she seemed to be at her most desirable when she was sort of half dead from starvation, when guys really felt like she wouldn't move so fast. They really, really have a chance.

2:54 Adam Rape was a real possibility.

2:56 Rob Schneider She's the hottest chick with sores on her legs I've ever seen. Top five, at least.

3:00 Drew I'm a rapist.

3:01 Adam Oh, Drew, please. The mics are still hot. This movie, as I said, is opening this Friday. I guess your last film was Deuce Bigelow, right? Yeah. A year ago. Been in others since then.

3:15 Rob Schneider No, no, I haven't really.

3:16 Adam You haven't?

3:17 Drew No, no.

3:18 Adam Then little Nicky come out after Deuce.

3:21 Rob Schneider Yeah, I had a little part of that, but I wasn't there. I literally showed up to visit and next thing I know, I'm in it.

3:27 Drew You want to know the space thing coming up?

3:30 Rob Schneider No, no. It was basically Deuce Bigelow. I showed up, Adam Sandler. I brought the hat with me just in case he wanted to ask me. Thank God he did. So I'm proud to be in that. And then the animal.

3:43 Adam Do you give credit for the animal from Deuce Bigelow? Was Deuce Bigelow a little bit of a surprise? Maybe not to you, but to a lot of industry people?

3:53 Rob Schneider I guess it was. You know what's funny? I get these wonderful back kind of compliments. Hey, it was a surprise hit. We were all expecting it to bomb or something. But it's funny though, I'm finding a kind of reverse backlash now. I find the critics are like, they know they got nailed. They were behind the curve on Deuce Bigelow because it made $80 million in video. Everyone in the country loved it. And so they're being kind to the animal, which I'm shocked by. And I say it's too late to start kissing up to me now. You had your chance to suck up to me. But no, it was a nice surprise. But honestly, I really loved that movie. And it was nice that people liked it. I thought at the time, if you're psyched about something you think is funny, chances are other people won't. But it did catch on and it was nice. And I guess it had a good heart to it.

4:35 Adam Is The Animal Disney film?

4:37 Rob Schneider No, it's Revolution Sony.

4:40 Adam Oh, really?

4:40 Rob Schneider Yeah, yeah.

4:41 Adam I don't know, maybe it's just looking at the billboard or something. It's got a Jungle Book vibe or something.

4:46 Rob Schneider Don't tell them.

4:47 Adam All right, I won't.

4:47 Rob Schneider Let's keep that here. But yeah, it's a fun movie and it's nice that they're behind it. And it's nice that we could back it up. They're not just pushing a movie that stinks. I'm really proud of it. It took a year and a half. And by the way, I was offered a lot of crap in the meantime. I sat, went broke, me and my brother and Tom Brady, and you know, writing this movie. And you know, I got to give myself credit for that. I got offered a bunch of crap in the meantime, but we wanted to write our own.

5:10 Adam Tell me, I was just looking at your bio here and your co-owner in a restaurant.

5:15 Rob Schneider No, not anymore.

5:16 Adam Oh, that's gone?

5:16 Rob Schneider Burned to the ground, suspicious fire.

5:18 Drew Oh, seriously?

5:19 Rob Schneider Yeah, yeah.

5:20 Drew Wow.

5:20 Rob Schneider I only owned like 5% of the damn thing. Basically I owned enough where I can go in and eat free. Right. In Rosentown. And then we had a club and we got sued so many times.

5:26 Drew Where are you from, originally?

5:27 Rob Schneider San Francisco.

5:28 Drew So that's why your restaurant was up there. And you had a girlfriend last time you were here.

5:32 Rob Schneider Yes.

5:33 Drew Is that still okay?

5:34 Rob Schneider I don't know. You know what? I guess you got to spend time with them.

5:37 Adam They need that.

5:39 Rob Schneider They need that attention.

5:39 Drew They're like animals, yeah.

5:41 Rob Schneider Without that, yeah, I've been spending more time with goats and chimpanzees and orangutans with my own girlfriend, so it's putting a strain.

5:47 Adam Do you live in San Francisco?

5:48 Rob Schneider I got a little place up there, but I'm down here. I have to admit I'm acclimated to LA now. Even though I like to say I'm from San Francisco, I hate LA, but I love LA now, I have to admit. I'm giving over to it.

5:56 Adam Everyone in San Francisco hates people from LA, and probably rightfully so.

6:01 Rob Schneider You have better looking girls down here, the weather is better. All you have to do is go to the La Brea Tar Pits to realize it's the best weather on the planet for the last 65 million years. Any mammal who could get to LA and Hollywood was doing it.

6:12 Adam I was at the La Brea Tar Pits today, by the way, on that Bible Decker bus, and I've said it before, but I'll say it again. You know you're running short as far as the town goes on national monuments.

6:25 Drew Cultural activity.

6:25 Adam Cultural activity when the big selling point is a hole filled with tar.

6:31 Rob Schneider Yeah, that's...

6:32 Adam Everyone goes, hey, any other town would have cemented over that thing 100 years ago.

6:38 Rob Schneider It's that or Pink's hot dog stand, that's about it.

6:42 Adam It is a huge hole filled with tar.

6:45 Drew With a bunch of bonds.

6:46 Adam And we turn it into a museum. You don't even really see any bones around it. They have some plaster, like brontosaurus, that they stick in it, but that's about it.

6:55 Rob Schneider Bones are mostly agents, too.

6:56 Drew Yeah, it's true, but the bone highlight is the wall of wolves' heads.

7:00 Rob Schneider Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's pretty...

7:01 Drew 4,000 wolf heads.

7:02 Rob Schneider Because the animals get stuck there and the wolves start attacking them and, yeah, next year, you know...

7:06 Drew Just stating that 4,000 wolves have been found there would be enough.

7:08 Adam Yeah, all right, Drew. You're getting cynical, too, buddy. Lamar?

7:12 Yeah.

7:13 Adam You're 18?

7:14 Caller Yeah, I just wanted to add a question about training the PC muscles.

7:18 Adam Your what muscles?

7:19 Rob Schneider PC.

7:19 Rob Schneider PC muscle.

7:20 Drew Politically correct.

7:21 Caller Huh?

7:21 Drew Pubic oxygous muscle. Yes. Yeah, okay.

7:24 Adam Like Kegel exercises?

7:25 Rob Schneider The one that controls how you pee.

7:27 Drew Right.

7:27 Yeah, ejaculation.

7:28 Drew Well, it doesn't control ejaculation. It's contracting during ejaculation.

7:33 Rob Schneider But does it... Is there any point in improving the strength of that?

7:36 Drew Some people say that they do Kegel exercises, though I read some stuff recently on Kegels that show that they really don't hold up to any sort of scrutiny in terms of affecting much of anything. But some people occasionally will claim that the male will get some control over orgasm or get more intensity in orgasm.

7:51 Adam What are you looking for, Lamar?

7:53 Caller I'm trying to lengthen them.

7:55 Drew Lengthen the orgasm?

7:57 Caller Yeah, my time.

7:58 Drew No, no, no.

7:59 Rob Schneider You know, if you're interested in this seriously, there's a thing, there's a book called The Multiple Orgasmic Man. And it's about... You can have this... It's an orgasm without actually orgasming.

8:10 Drew Stop, Rob. We had that guy up here. That was the guy we had up here?

8:12 Adam Oh, we did?

8:13 Rob Schneider No, no, no. It's actually, you know...

8:15 Drew I know.

8:15 Rob Schneider I've done that. It works.

8:17 Adam It does?

8:17 Rob Schneider Yes, absolutely. You know, Drew, you're skeptic because you're a medical doctor and closed minded about, you know, the dictatorship of the American Medical Association. But, however, there are other ways. And Shaquille O'Neal's doctor, by the way, I'm making a segue, fixed my back. I feel like I had a 16 year old injury in my back. Nice. This Chinese guy literally just took this goo out of my back. I feel like a 19 year old. Seriously, just, you know, like cupping and scraping. Dr. Shen Su, Dr. Shen Su, yes, seriously, fixed me and I've sent 35 people there and they've all been fixed.

8:47 Adam Was the goo in your back or was it on your back?

8:49 Rob Schneider It's like static blood. And if you look at it under like, you know, infrared light.

8:53 Drew We use a needle? What did he do?

8:54 Adam Drawing?

8:55 Rob Schneider No, it's like a little tiny, what do you call it? Acupuncture? Oh, yeah. There's cupping. I'm telling you, it works.

9:00 Drew Yeah, sure.

9:01 Rob Schneider So, I mean, and this, you know, as far as I forget who wrote that book, but, you know, I didn't read the whole thing, of course, because I'm an actor, you know.

9:06 Drew Well, the guy who wrote the book, we had him up here, and he basically just decided that he would lengthen the duration of orgasm by sort of redefining orgasm. I mean, orgasm is the spinal reflex that occurs when this stuff coming out of your penis and there's a contraction going on, and it's an absolute climax.

9:25 Rob Schneider But without the ejaculation, you could still have pretty much an orgasm without that.

9:29 Drew You could have long periods of high degree of arousal.

9:31 Rob Schneider Yes. Well, I, you know, there's the gray area there.

9:34 Drew That's right.

9:35 Rob Schneider You're in the gray area. I'm into that, that maybe the metaphysical is a little bit, I'm stretching it a touch.

9:40 Adam All right. But you prolong your orgasm?

9:42 Rob Schneider No, actually, it's like an orgasm without.

9:45 Drew Free orgasm.

9:46 Rob Schneider Well, okay, again, you know, but you got to try it. You go home, try it a little bit, mix it up. You can get the book. It's a multi-orgasmic man. And you have to practice at it.

9:54 Adam But you know that feeling when you're, let's just say you're whacking off.

9:58 Drew Yeah.

9:59 Adam And there's that feeling about you're close to the climax and you're not even sure if something came out yet.

10:05 Drew Right.

10:06 Adam You know what? Now if you could, but sometimes nothing comes out. But you're not sure because it kind of feels like it did.

10:12 Drew But if you actually get to that point.

10:14 Adam If you could stretch that out a few minutes.

10:16 Drew Then you're going to become refractory again. If you actually achieve right there, you're going to get refractoriness. And you're not going to have anything. No, no, no.

10:22 Rob Schneider But if you reach underneath with the three fingers and squeeze underneath.

10:24 Drew Oh, you do all that stuff? Yeah.

10:26 Rob Schneider That's the pulling up of the thing, you know. I don't say you do it all the time, but you know, mix it up.

10:30 Drew Your chi is building up to.

10:32 Rob Schneider It's the chi. Yes, exactly. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about.

10:35 Adam He is an animal.

10:36 Rob Schneider Five thousand years old, they've been doing this. You know what I like about all the Chinese sexual practices? It's only about men. There's absolutely nothing in it about women.

10:48 Adam Yeah. It's great. It's like, yeah.

10:50 Rob Schneider Now people are going to think I did that.

10:51 Adam We're going to grind up this rhino horn. We're going to eat this bear pancreas.

10:55 Rob Schneider I didn't say all this stuff. That's Korea, by the way. A lot of that stuff is Korean. Maybe Chinese too. Okay, I admit that.

11:00 Adam But as far as the woman's part, it's like, hey, hold still. I mean, that's about it, right?

11:07 Rob Schneider Well, foot binding, I'm not for.

11:09 Adam No.

11:10 Rob Schneider I've got a record about that.

11:11 Adam No, not both of them. Josh?

11:13 Yes.

11:13 Adam You're 31. What's up?

11:15 Caller Yeah, the first thing I want to say is Rob's characters were great on Saturday Night Live.

11:18 Thank you.

11:19 Caller The copy guy.

11:19 Oh, thank you very much.

11:20 Caller Adam, you're one of the funniest guys on the planet.

11:22 Rob Schneider Absolutely. How many genius?

11:24 Drew What's up, Josh?

11:25 Caller Here's the funny thing. My stepbrother, he graduated from San Diego State University. He has a problem whenever you make fun of that school. The funny thing is he loves when you make fun of guys that work around metal or guys that go to junior college. Yet, you're talking about his school.

11:39 Drew And his job. And his work.

11:41 Caller And the funny thing is he went to look up who graduated from the school, so you have this impressive list for you. And all he found out was Art Linkletter in the 30s and the guy who played Apollo Creed in the Rocky movies, Carl Weathers.

11:53 Adam Right. Those are the two graduates from San Diego State.

11:56 Yeah, those are the two big guys.

11:57 Adam I know. It's a junior college.

11:59 Drew And when Art Linkletter graduated, it was an agricultural school.

12:02 Rob Schneider Tony Gwynn.

12:03 Caller But yeah, well Tony Gwynn too, but that's more of an athletic thing.

12:06 Adam He's talking from a scholastic standpoint. And listen, I don't blame him. That school is dangerous.

12:11 Rob Schneider I'll have you know Tony Gwynn graduated in communications. So come on. That's genius. He's a very smart guy.

12:16 Adam The school is too close to Tijuana to try to get any learning done.

12:21 Caller Hey Drew, here's my question. We were watching this video. I'm not going to tell you why we were watching it. For scientific reasons. It was a porno. These guys had two penises. And some of the people in the room thought they were fake. And some thought they were real. And I've heard you talk before about guys that have an extra nipple. And you know, could this be real? Have you seen it?

12:43 Drew No, never seen it, never heard of it.

12:45 Caller You've never heard of that?

12:46 Caller Impossible.

12:46 Rob Schneider But do tell us the name of the video.

12:49 Caller Well, it's amazing.

12:50 Rob Schneider No, I'm just telling that.

12:51 Drew Adam has a very evolved sort of observational theory about this.

12:56 Caller What's that?

12:57 Adam I wish I knew, too.

12:58 Drew The guy's always wearing...

12:59 Adam Yeah, did the guy wear any kind of truss or harness or anything like that?

13:03 Caller No, he didn't have anything like that. But my friend claims the pubic hair looked totally fake.

13:08 Adam Well, look.

13:09 Caller I don't know how...

13:10 Adam Okay, here's...

13:10 Rob Schneider I think that's the tip off right there.

13:12 Adam Here's how you can tell. Was the guy tan? Was he muscular?

13:16 Caller Well, there were a couple of different guys in the video because, again, the video specialized in people that had weird things in that area.

13:23 Rob Schneider No, that's not possible. It doesn't exist.

13:24 Adam Did any of the guys have washboard abs or shaved chest with a tan or any of that stuff?

13:29 Caller No, they were just... One had, I think, a belly kind of out of shape.

13:33 Rob Schneider Did they try to save their orgasmic chi?

13:37 Caller My friend was saying, since they weren't showing him when he was flasted, they were just showing when they were hard.

13:43 Rob Schneider All right, I can't. We gotta stop with this. All right, all right. You know what? I don't know.

13:48 Drew What was the name of the science room?

13:49 Rob Schneider Gross.

13:49 Drew No, never heard of it.

13:50 Rob Schneider Gone.

13:51 Adam Okay, but let me say this. There is a...

13:54 Rob Schneider Did he graduate from San Diego State?

13:56 Adam Not yet. There is a sect of the porn industry that deals with prosthetics. And they have guys who have penises that have endless amounts of so-called semen coming out of them. They have women with enormous novelty size brass. There are certain movies that try to pass off people with different prosthetics as real. And you can usually sort of see through them, but sometimes they do a decent job of it. But when they have like a studded harness that seems to be for a bra or for a jockstrap, that means that's what's holding it on.

14:31 Rob Schneider Well, the one that he saw was definitely a high-production freaky porn.

14:35 Adam Right. And it could be real. Jen?

14:38 Rob Schneider Vivid, I think they call it.

14:39 Adam Year 20, what's up?

14:42 Rob Schneider Hi. How you guys doing?

14:43 Adam Good.

14:43 Drew What's up?

14:46 Rob Schneider Well, I'm about eight months pregnant now, and I've been in the state for about a year or so.

14:52 Rob Schneider You've been pregnant for a year or so? What?

14:53 Drew No, no. You're in the state of Texas?

14:54 Rob Schneider Oh, the state of Texas. Oh, sorry.

14:56 Rob Schneider I've been here in the state for a year, and I met this guy, and we hit it off pretty good, and then I got pregnant and...

15:05 Rob Schneider They don't have condoms in Texas or what? Or birth control?

15:09 Rob Schneider No, we used... It was some sort of gel, and you...

15:13 Drew Yeah, that doesn't work.

15:14 Rob Schneider Hair gel, no.

15:14 Drew Yeah, I'm telling you. The gel, the jellies, the foams, those are to be used with a diaphragm and or a condom. Yeah.

15:21 Adam Okay. Well, let's not live in the past here.

15:24 Drew Well, I had a lot of other people to make the same mistakes, so...

15:26 Rob Schneider Yeah. So what's going on now?

15:28 Rob Schneider Well, I'm the white man's pregnant, and he's bipolar, and he takes medicine, and he takes medication for it, and we've been having a lot of problems, because two weeks on, he'll say that we're just friends, and then a few weeks later, we'll get intimate, and he'll act like he loves me, and...

15:49 Drew Well, what do you mean, acts like, just because he's sleeping with you? Do you think that...

15:51 Rob Schneider No, no, I mean, he, like, hugs me, and says all these nice things, and does all these nice things for me, and...

15:59 Adam Yeah. Well, okay, so, how long have you known him?

16:03 Rob Schneider For about a year.

16:04 Adam Okay. And he got you pregnant a couple months after you met him.

16:08 Drew I think 20-year-old males, you've got to listen to what they say, not what they do.

16:11 Rob Schneider 27.

16:12 Drew I mean, even 20-year-old males. I mean, males in their 20s.

16:15 Adam Wait a minute, didn't you transpose that? Listen to what they... Say, not what they do?

16:20 Drew No, in this case, listen to what they say, which is, I want to be friends, he treats me nice, he sleeps with me. Well, okay, he's being a nice guy, so he can sleep with you.

16:27 Adam Well, you said sleep, she said hug.

16:30 Rob Schneider No, but the hugging is more important to her than the sleeping.

16:32 Adam I know.

16:34 Drew But he figures that's what leads to the sleeping, and he gets to sleep, he gets what he wants, and then he comes out and goes, hey, I'm not lying to you, we're just friends, we're just friends.

16:41 Rob Schneider Well, now, what's... So, what do you want out of this relationship? I mean, what... Do you want him to be in love with you? You want to be in love with him? It just doesn't sound like he's a guy that is going to be able to deal with the responsibilities of the situation he's put himself in.

16:59 Rob Schneider Yeah, and that's another thing, because he still lives with his parents, and that's where I'm living with him, and now just staying in a hotel right now.

17:06 Adam Okay, and what does he want to do about being a dad?

17:09 Rob Schneider He says he doesn't... He says he wants to one day, but the next day he says he's not sure...

17:14 Rob Schneider Does he know that one day is a month from now? That one day of being a father is a month from now.

17:20 Drew Is he an addict?

17:21 Rob Schneider He gets closer and closer and closer...

17:23 Drew Is he a drug addict?

17:24 Rob Schneider No.

17:24 Rob Schneider He's on medication. He's bipolar.

17:25 Drew Yeah, but he could still be a drug addict, too.

17:28 Rob Schneider Can I ask you about your family and where is your family?

17:32 Rob Schneider They're back in Connecticut, where he still lives.

17:35 Rob Schneider What's your relationship with your family like?

17:38 Rob Schneider It's strange. I mean, I get along with them and everything, but...

17:43 Drew What's the problem there?

17:45 Rob Schneider I don't really know if there's a big problem. It's just like...

17:47 Drew It's a huge problem. Their daughter is 20, living in Texas, pregnant with a bipolar guy who's not willing to support her.

17:52 Rob Schneider Living in a hotel.

17:53 Adam Isn't it Georgia, by the way?

17:54 Drew You're in Georgia, I'm sorry.

17:55 Rob Schneider Yeah, I'm in Georgia.

17:55 Drew I'm in Georgia.

17:57 Adam So do they know you're pregnant?

17:59 Rob Schneider Yeah. Oh, yeah.

18:00 Adam Have they offered any help?

18:02 Rob Schneider Yeah, but I was going to go back and he persuaded me to stay here with his family.

18:08 Adam I don't think that he cares so much about me, but yeah, but he's a liar and a mess.

18:13 Rob Schneider Honestly, I think you got to go home. Seriously, go home. Do you have a relationship with your parents? Are they, is it any abuse or abusive relationship with your parents?

18:23 Rob Schneider No, they just drive me nuts and I'll be miserable.

18:27 Drew What do you mean they drive you nuts?

18:28 Rob Schneider How do they drive you nuts?

18:29 Rob Schneider They just remind me every day how much I screwed up.

18:33 Drew What did you screw up with?

18:36 Rob Schneider I didn't go to college. I moved here and I got pregnant when I wasn't married.

18:41 Rob Schneider Well, okay, look, you know what though?

18:42 Adam They make some valid points.

18:44 Drew No, no, maybe it's time to go back and regroup.

18:46 Rob Schneider I gotta tell you what, I think they are in a position and emotionally and financially to be able to assist you right now and I think you need more than you need this guy who sounds like a loser.

18:55 Drew Agreed. I really smell addict in this guy too. He's not smoking pot every day?

18:58 Rob Schneider No, he doesn't do any drugs.

19:00 Drew Alcohol?

19:00 Adam Hold on, Drew, I farted. Could that be what that was?

19:04 Drew Smelling addict, yes.

19:05 Rob Schneider Yeah, sorry.

19:06 Adam Sorry, Jen.

19:07 Rob Schneider I don't know what to do.

19:08 Rob Schneider I think, you know, seriously, you gotta call your folks and you gotta go home. I seriously.

19:12 Rob Schneider Why, that's another thing. I didn't mention I'm on bed rest because I started having contractions about two weeks ago.

19:20 Adam Can she not fly?

19:21 Rob Schneider Can your parents fly out and get you, at least come out, you know, have your parents come out. You need them right now. You need some family. If you have a decent relationship with them.

19:30 Drew It sounds like they'll come out. You're just avoiding them because you don't want to feel that guilt and shame.

19:33 Rob Schneider Get over the guilt. You're going to have a baby. Get them out there. They can help you.

19:37 Adam Let me sum this up. I agree completely with Rob and Drew. This guy's a flake. You're eight months pregnant for Christ's sake and he's on the fence trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life, whether he wants to be a dad, whether he wants to be a husband. You need stability for this kid. So this kid does not end up in Georgia pregnant 20 years from now. Right.

19:58 Drew Thank you.

19:59 Adam And if it's a guy, oh well, we'll cross that path.

20:03 Rob Schneider Chances are it's not going to be 100% negative with your parents, you know, maybe that they'll enjoy having a granddaughter, you know, or grandson.

20:09 Adam Very true. Lee?

20:10 Rob Schneider How are you guys doing tonight?

20:11 Adam You're 39. Yeah, I am. What's up?

20:15 Caller Well, I've been having an affair with a married lady for five years now.

20:22 Adam Are you with somebody?

20:23 Caller No, I'm not.

20:24 Adam You're single?

20:25 Caller I'm a single man.

20:26 Adam How old is she?

20:27 Caller She's 35.

20:28 Drew How did you meet her?

20:31 Caller Co-worker.

20:32 Drew Does she have kids?

20:34 Caller Yeah, she has two.

20:36 Drew What's going on with her husband? Why is she not happy?

20:39 Caller No attention. It's the old same old scenario. Have the kids put a couple pounds on, not attractive anymore, kids around, no time for each other. It was one of those scenarios where we just started off as friends. He owns his own company, so he was always, always busy.

20:58 Adam How do you sneak around for five years, though?

21:02 Rob Schneider How often, too?

21:03 Caller How often? A couple times a month, usually. But the problem is it's not all sexual.

21:11 Drew That's the problem?

21:17 Adam Are you in love with her?

21:18 Caller Oh, yes. Yeah, I've been in love with her from day one. The problem with that is that we started off as friends, and it just grew into that.

21:25 Drew A problem again? Why is that a problem?

21:27 Adam Okay, now why doesn't she leave her husband?

21:31 Caller Basically, because of the kids.

21:32 Drew Are you expecting her to leave him?

21:37 Caller Part of me says yes. I want her to be happy.

21:40 Drew Can you wait till the kids are 18?

21:43 Caller Well, they're four and six right now, so I don't know if I want to wait another 15.

21:46 Drew Well, it sounds like that's her plan.

21:48 Caller Well, yeah, but she goes back and forth so often. I think she goes through those guilty feelings.

21:56 Drew It's very rare to see someone in this kind of situation actually leave the spouse. Right. Especially if it's a male who's claiming that his wife is mistreating him when he wants to leave.

22:05 Caller Right.

22:06 Drew It never happens. Okay.

22:08 Adam Well, let's take a brief moment and see if we can just beat the crap out of Lee here verbally. Lee, you're 39 years old for Christ's sake. You got some hefty chick with a couple of kids and a husband. You can't do better than that. You're 39, buddy.

22:23 Caller Yeah, I know. And it's easy to say that should be the time of my life. I'm single. I can travel. I make good money. I have my own home.

22:29 Drew No, no, no, no, no, Lee. It's not about living the life of Riley at 39. That was when you were 24. It's about you having a family and a wife and a stable relationship. What the hell's the matter with you?

22:41 Caller Yeah, well, I mean, I've been divorced for 10 years now. I've got an 18-year-old son, so I'm kind of lucky. I've gone through that already, you know.

22:52 Rob Schneider What do you want out of this situation? Get to it. What is it?

22:55 Caller What do I want? I guess I just, we need some, you know, after five years, I really think we need some closure here.

23:00 Rob Schneider There you go. That sounds like you want to get out of this thing. Get out of it. You know how you get closer? You don't talk to her anymore. You move.

23:06 Drew No, no, he means he wants her to leave her husband.

23:08 Adam That's right.

23:08 Rob Schneider That's the closure you want?

23:12 Rob Schneider No.

23:12 Caller That's not necessarily the closure I want.

23:15 Drew You want to ask her to get out of the pot.

23:17 Caller Exactly. The problem is she goes through a couple of weeks or so where we don't talk that much and she's like, okay, look, I'm pulling away from you because I am seeking help. She's like, I need help with myself.

23:29 Rob Schneider You know what you are? You're her drug. You're her crutch. As long as you stay there and continue to put up with this mediocre relationship, you're stuck.

23:38 Drew You're the crutch. You're not helping her either. Send her back to a therapist, let her work on herself and just end the contact.

23:43 Caller All right.

23:44 Adam We'll be right back.

23:45 Caller So Drew, you think that's what we need?

23:47 Drew That's the healthiest thing, Lee. That's the healthiest thing.

23:50 Adam You have to work with her, right?

23:52 Caller Well, yeah, in a way we do. That's going to be even harder. We're strong and we can pull away for a while, but she'll go through a lull or something.

24:01 Rob Schneider You know what? You've got to take care of you. That doesn't sound like you're taking care of you. You need to be strong. Forget about her. Stop putting it off on her.

24:09 Adam Yes. Lee has to take care of Lee.

24:13 Drew All right, Lee. Good luck.

24:14 All right, Lee.

24:15 Adam It sounds so much lamer when you put the guy's name in there. You seems to be effective, but when you put the word Lee, then what the hell? Who would name their kid Lee, by the way? That's a horrible name for a guy and a horrible name for a girl.

24:28 Isn't it?

24:30 Adam Isn't it? You wouldn't name your kid Lee, would you?

24:32 It's not that bad.

24:34 Adam You like Lee?

24:37 Rob Schneider I know a couple of Lee's.

24:38 Adam Really? I don't like Lee. I don't trust a Lee. Okay. Rob Schneider is our guest tonight. The Animal is the name of the movie. He's going to be out tomorrow, June 1st, Friday. We'll take a little break. We'll be back.

24:50 Rob Schneider That's huge, man.

24:52 Rob Schneider Loveline. We'll be right back.

25:26 Hello, this is Ron Jeremy. And when I'm not hiding the bacon in some hot and sweaty porno set, I'm listening to Love Lines with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

25:34 Drew Is that really him? Yeah. Oh yeah.

25:36 Oh yeah.

25:36 Rob Schneider That's terrible.

25:38 Drew I was in the airport and like, I was somewhere washing, all of a sudden, Drew, come here. Ron Jeremy.

25:43 Rob Schneider Oh really?

25:44 Drew Oh yeah.

25:45 Rob Schneider What's his story?

25:47 Drew He's a very nice man.

25:49 Adam He's done more porno movies than anybody who's ever done porno movies.

25:55 He's bisexual.

25:56 Drew No, I don't think he is.

25:57 Adam He's a big, fat, hairy, Jewish man with a huge shlong who has a bad mustache.

26:04 Rob Schneider He's built out a niche for himself, in other words.

26:06 Drew A niche, he's taken over.

26:07 Adam But if you want to talk about the double standard, there's no such thing as a female version of Ron Jeremy. Some chick who's put on 45 pounds covered with hair. Basically, he's gone, body's gone to cramping and still banging around in the porn film industry. It does not exist.

26:25 Rob Schneider Yet.

26:26 Adam No.

26:26 Rob Schneider Give it time.

26:27 Adam God willing, one day, it won't. Brian?

26:30 Hi.

26:31 Adam You're 19? What's up?

26:32 Caller Yeah, I have a question for Rob, actually.

26:34 Adam It is?

26:35 Caller I saw you on Dennis Miller Live a couple years ago, and I know you're an avid Elvis fan.

26:39 What's up? What's up, man?

26:41 Caller And you did a story, your favorite Elvis story, which was when he got on a plane.

26:46 Rob Schneider Yeah.

26:46 Caller I guess from, you know, Graceland to fly down to Philadelphia to get it.

26:50 Rob Schneider No, no, no, no. Denver.

26:51 Caller Denver.

26:52 Drew Yeah.

26:52 Rob Schneider That's the story I heard from like the Elvis camp.

26:54 Drew And what happened? Well, Phil is all there.

26:56 Adam Is that where he pulled his badge?

26:58 Rob Schneider No, no, no. He went, he flew supposedly on the, you know, the plane, his private plane in the backyard or whatever. And he flew in and never got off the plane. He just had like them bring the sandwiches up to the plane. I don't know. I like that story. I want to believe it.

27:12 Adam You know you've arrived.

27:13 Caller Yeah, it was just a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

27:16 Rob Schneider No, it was bacon. It was like also bacon. It was a special sandwich. He's not stupid. He's Elvis. He's not stupid. He's got to have, you know, peanut butter, bacon, the whole deal. It's like two feet long.

27:25 Adam You know the Elvis stories I like is how he collected badges basically.

27:30 Rob Schneider Yeah.

27:30 Adam Like he'd go visit the White House and he'd get Nixon to give him a couple of DEA badges or something. And then he would stop people and flash that tin. He went on to a plane once, stopped the plane, pulled somebody off of the plane. You didn't know that story?

27:45 Rob Schneider You're coming off, man. That's right, you and A3, come on.

27:48 Drew Before people knew him for who he was?

27:50 Adam No, they knew him. But it was like it was Elvis and he had a shield.

27:55 Rob Schneider Somebody, did you ever hear the tape where he's screaming at the audience about stuff?

27:57 Drew Yeah, losing his mind.

27:59 Rob Schneider So sad. I hate to hear stuff like that. I don't mind the food stories because I think he would, he would retell them if he was still around. Man, that's one time I flew to Denver and I flew right back. Never got off the plane. He didn't like going places. He never performed in Europe or Japan. He just, I think they would have loved him in Europe. I wish he would have went over there.

28:17 Adam He didn't? I mean, he went over there obviously more than time.

28:20 Rob Schneider No, he never performed and he also never went into town or anything. He would literally just stay at the house. Priscilla talked about that in her book, and which I read most of, by the way. He would just literally just go from the barracks and just, he wouldn't live in the barracks. He had a house off base and he would just go to the base. He would never go anywhere. It was a trip. He wasn't interested in other cultures.

28:39 Drew He had issues.

28:40 Rob Schneider He had some plans. He had some things. I don't know what the thing is, him and his mama or whatever, but it was something going on there, I think, a special relationship.

28:46 Adam Yeah. I don't want to call Elvis stupid, but a lot of uneducated guys really love the hell out of their mama. The smarter you are, the more you hate your mom. Like Drew, you're a genius, you hate your parents, right? It's true though. You don't hear geniuses talking about their mom.

29:04 Drew Right.

29:06 Adam It's always that 700-pound black athlete that's crying when he's talking about his mom, it's Elvis, it's all of a sudden.

29:11 Rob Schneider The Waterboy, Adam Sandler, The Waterboy.

29:12 Drew My mama.

29:13 Adam Right. What is it?

29:15 Rob Schneider I love my mama.

29:17 Adam The simpler you are, the more you love mama.

29:21 Rob Schneider What do you think of that?

29:22 Drew Well, that makes sense, right?

29:23 Adam I don't know. It's just something that I perceive.

29:25 Drew Something nice in that, really.

29:27 Rob Schneider Yeah, it's sweet.

29:28 Drew Yeah.

29:29 Adam James, you're 17. Yeah.

29:30 Rob Schneider I think dumb people are happier. Dumb people are happier.

29:32 Adam Absolutely. Well, look at dogs. Look how happy they are.

29:35 Rob Schneider What do you got, man?

29:37 Adam James, what's your question?

29:39 Hey. Well, actually, I have two questions, really. Okay. See, I just now transferred into this university that I'm in, Columbia University.

29:47 Drew You're 17?

29:48 Caller Yeah. Wow.

29:50 Rob Schneider That's pretty good.

29:51 Caller Okay. And...

29:52 Rob Schneider From San Diego State?

29:54 Caller I'm sorry?

29:54 Adam No.

29:55 Caller Oh, junior college. Actually, it's in New York. And is this girl that I really, really like. But the problem is, well, she considers it kind of like, I don't really see, you know, it to be a dilemma or anything. I think it's pretty cool.

30:06 Rob Schneider What?

30:07 Drew What?

30:07 Caller She's 26. And I'm like, I want to like, you know.

30:11 Adam You're 17?

30:12 Caller Yeah. Yeah.

30:14 Rob Schneider So?

30:14 Drew And you know what her thing is, though? Oh, you're 17. I'm too old for you. She's looking...

30:20 Rob Schneider Yeah. She's thinking sex with you is not really sex.

30:23 Drew Well, she's thinking she needs to settle down with someone.

30:25 Rob Schneider What?

30:26 Drew Well, she's thinking, I'm wasting my time with the 17-year-old.

30:28 Rob Schneider Oh, yeah. I see what you're saying.

30:29 Adam Let's get to the bottom of this. Is she newly divorced or out of a long-term relationship?

30:33 Drew If she were, she'd be into this. She'd be game on.

30:36 Rob Schneider Ah-ha. But she's not.

30:37 Drew She's not. She's looking for...

30:39 Rob Schneider Drew's good, man. He's got this figured out. So what's the problem?

30:44 Caller I have love to her almost every other day.

30:47 Drew Hey, James, have you ever had any other girlfriends in your life?

30:51 Caller Yeah.

30:52 Rob Schneider Why don't you find some hot 17 year old really smart biatch from Columbia?

30:55 Drew You know where I'm going with this.

30:57 Caller There's nobody who's 17 year old.

30:58 Rob Schneider Well, how about 19 or 20? Whatever. Lie about your age.

31:01 Caller Yeah. Anyway.

31:04 Rob Schneider Grow some scruff.

31:04 Caller Do you have any tips on performing Conilingus?

31:07 Adam Yes.

31:08 Caller I think she would really, really, really like enjoy Conilingus.

31:10 Rob Schneider See, I'm thinking this whole story now is crap.

31:13 Adam Yeah, you don't blame her.

31:14 Rob Schneider I'm not buying it.

31:15 Drew Because it doesn't make sense.

31:16 Rob Schneider No, it doesn't make sense. And first of all, 26 year old. First of all, I don't believe you're going to Columbia.

31:19 Caller Yeah, I am.

31:20 Rob Schneider What street is it on?

31:21 Caller It's on 116th and Broadway.

31:23 Rob Schneider Okay. We got that right.

31:24 Adam What's your major?

31:25 Caller I'm studying assist in computer information systems.

31:28 Rob Schneider Wow.

31:28 Adam Well, all right.

31:29 Rob Schneider Now I know why she doesn't want to have serious relations with you.

31:31 Drew Lots of girlfriends.

31:32 Caller Anyway, she'd be friend.

31:33 Drew Hang on a second.

31:34 Rob Schneider Yeah, well, yeah, lots of girlfriends. You mean like lots of, you know, I'm going here Adam.

31:37 Adam All right, hold on, Drew, calm down tonight. I don't know what's going on with you. Rob has awakened the sleeping nerd in you. But just sit down and relax. You're doing way too much talking. You're throwing me off.

31:47 Caller I can't focus yet.

31:49 Adam Lean back. Don't you usually nap between 1020 and 1045?

31:53 Drew No, it starts around 1050.

31:54 Caller She makes my name and passes at me.

31:56 Rob Schneider So what? She's what?

31:57 Caller First she winks her eye and then like she walks by me and she like rubs her butt cheek on me or something like that.

32:03 Adam How do you know her?

32:06 Caller I just saw her in the hallway and then we just thought she just sees me every time. I can ask around lunchtime.

32:11 Drew She's a student in Columbia also?

32:13 Caller I presume.

32:14 Adam Have you ever asked her out?

32:15 Rob Schneider So you've had lunch with her twice, right?

32:17 Caller No, I have lunch with her more than twice. I have lunch with her a dozen of times.

32:21 Drew And you don't know if she's a student?

32:22 Caller I first met her.

32:22 Drew Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You don't know if she's a student or not?

32:25 Rob Schneider She is a student.

32:26 Caller She is a student.

32:26 Rob Schneider You just said presume.

32:28 Caller Yeah, she's a student. She has a student ID and she goes to classes. So she's a student.

32:33 Rob Schneider So you didn't have lunch with her? Wait a minute. You did not sit down and have lunch with her for like an hour. You sat down. You were sitting down. She walked by and said hi. No. You called out lunch.

32:43 Adam Hold on. First I got to figure out this guy's nationality because I'm getting like a crazy Leroy from fame kind of vibe from him.

32:51 Rob Schneider I got a little something going on here.

32:52 Adam But he's got some-

32:52 Caller Okay, wait. Just out of curiosity, what does my nationality have to do if you help him?

32:56 Adam I'm trying to figure out your dialect.

32:58 Drew Your voice. Adam and I get very affected by voices. That's what we do. We sit here and listen to people's voices.

33:02 Caller What does my nationality sound like?

33:03 Adam Well, sometimes you sound black and then sometimes you sound Asian.

33:07 Rob Schneider You sound like a black guy who's not a good dancer.

33:10 Adam No, you sound like an Asian guy who's been hanging out with too many black guys.

33:14 Caller Well, let me compliment you on your assumption. I am African-American.

33:17 Rob Schneider You're gay.

33:18 Adam Drew, please.

33:19 Caller Am I really gay? I'm not gay.

33:20 Adam There's a hint of that in there.

33:21 Rob Schneider You know, there's a little bit. You know what?

33:23 Caller I get more coochie than tampons. I'm far from gay. Anyway, I want to put all that away.

33:27 Adam Okay, all right. I'm going to tell you how to go down on a woman in that case. I mean, I'll just put you on hold. Well, trade tips. I use a technique called the carpet bombing technique where I don't try to find the separate parts. I take out the whole village.

33:41 Drew You make Rob grow up his coffee and relax.

33:43 Adam Yeah. I'm not. Yeah, that's my noise I make. There you go.

33:46 Rob Schneider This is with the, oh my god, with the coal. You know, is it the carpet bombing? It's just, it's a sloppy, it's not a technique technique?

33:55 Adam Well, yes. What I'm saying is, is a lot of people try to do the smart bomb where they just try to take out the target, which is the clitoris, or they try to find the G spot. I don't know where any of that is. I'm drunk, it's dark, I'm disoriented, oftentimes.

34:10 Rob Schneider I'm just trying to do it along, I'm not sure where she'll start on me.

34:12 Adam My plan is, I'm going to take out the whole area. Take the whole village out.

34:19 Rob Schneider Well, I don't want to take the whole village out, but there's a key huts that I want to hit. I also want to sneak up on the village. I don't want to just jump on the village and nap on the village.

34:27 Drew You're wasting your time, Rob.

34:28 Rob Schneider I want to just like, at least the first couple of times, give her the illusion that I'm really into this.

34:35 Adam I see.

34:36 Rob Schneider But no, I like to make it a pleasant experience. I actually enjoy it.

34:39 Adam So you say like take out the guard tower on the top?

34:42 Rob Schneider Yeah, and then move your way and then go away from it for a while.

34:45 Adam I see.

34:46 Rob Schneider It's a tease kind of thing.

34:47 Adam Right. Right. All right. You can't, it's hard to go, it's hard to screw it up too much if you're enthusiastic, but just don't overdo it.

34:56 Drew I think I screw that up all the time.

34:57 Adam Really? What's the technique then, Drew?

35:01 Drew I'm not sure. First of all, you need to be in the vicinity of the proper anatomy.

35:05 Rob Schneider Yeah.

35:05 Drew You need to be in that vicinity. You need to use the flat part of the tongue.

35:09 Adam The flat part.

35:10 Rob Schneider Yeah. Some girls it's sideways, some it's straight up and down.

35:13 Drew Right. That's right. That's right.

35:16 Rob Schneider All right.

35:16 Drew The carpet bombing is actually a viable technique. As long as you're in the right place, the right position. Yeah.

35:20 Rob Schneider You got to eventually get back to the important area, otherwise it's just going to get frustrating for everyone involved and the people watching it at home.

35:27 Adam Slow, rhythmic, and hang around the top.

35:30 Drew Yeah.

35:31 Adam Right?

35:31 Drew Yeah.

35:31 Adam Okay. All right.

35:33 Rob Schneider Now, there's just some homosexual issues with that man.

35:36 Adam Brandon?

35:37 Drew James. Yeah. You know what I got from James? I got sexually abused, sexual compulsive.

35:41 Caller Really?

35:42 Drew Oh, yeah.

35:42 Caller All right.

35:43 Adam Brandon?

35:44 Yeah.

35:44 Adam You're 13?

35:45 Caller Yeah.

35:46 Adam What's up?

35:47 Caller Okay. Like when I masturbate, normally I can come, but now, recently, I can't. It won't come out.

35:55 Drew How recently?

35:57 Caller It's been going on for a week and a half.

35:59 Drew Are you on any medication?

36:00 Caller No.

36:01 Drew Anything else happening? You're losing weight?

36:04 Rob Schneider How many times were you masturbating the last time something came out? Eight, nine times? What?

36:07 Caller What?

36:08 Drew Did you go on a holy terror before you ran out?

36:11 Caller No.

36:12 Rob Schneider You sure?

36:13 Caller Yeah.

36:13 Rob Schneider How long was the session?

36:15 Caller Usually, like on average.

36:17 Rob Schneider Yeah.

36:18 Caller Usually, I go for about 10 minutes.

36:22 Adam Yeah.

36:22 Drew And how many times a week are you doing this?

36:25 Caller Five, six.

36:26 Drew Well, there you go.

36:27 Rob Schneider I think your body is telling you to chill. Slow down.

36:29 Drew Slow down.

36:30 Rob Schneider And you're fine.

36:30 Drew Don't worry about it. Are you sure you're not taking any medication at all? No cold medicine?

36:34 Caller I used to be on medication, but like not anymore.

36:36 Drew What were you taking?

36:37 Caller Adderall.

36:39 Drew So you have ADD?

36:41 Caller I guess.

36:41 Drew ADHD.

36:42 Adam Yeah. You're 13.

36:44 Drew Yeah, take it easy. Are you taking anything like that now? Anything. Cold medicine? Nothing. Because that's what you're describing is typically a medication thing, where it's just you can't achieve an orgasm.

36:53 Rob Schneider And I'll tell you what, you know what? They got this thing now is called a book. Read it. Get out of the bathroom.

36:58 Drew You're a little Pop Schneider here.

37:00 Rob Schneider Yes.

37:00 Caller Go read, man.

37:02 Drew Man, all the success has made you not cool anymore, man.

37:05 Rob Schneider I'm not cool. Then stay in the master. I agree with Rob.

37:09 Adam You pick up the key to the hour-long orgasm by Dr. Schmagma and I agree. You read. You read.

37:18 Rob Schneider Yeah. I mean, take it easy. Believe me, in a week, you're going to be back.

37:21 Drew I actually agree.

37:21 Rob Schneider Back in business, the business of jizz making yourself. So it's all good.

37:25 Adam That's right. We will take a little break. Rob Schneider is our guest tonight. The Animal is coming out tomorrow everyone and we'll be back.

37:34 Rob Schneider 1-800-LOVE-191.

37:35 Adam We'll be right back. Here we go. It's Loveline.

38:10 Rob Schneider It's a mistake.

38:11 Adam All right. Rob Schneider is in the middle of telling one of his many comedy bombs.

38:17 Rob Schneider When I was bombing, and anyway, this basically was at the Irvine Improv, and I refused to get off the stage, and they were flashing me lights. My attitude was, you guys kiss my ass. Somebody rented the whole place out, so I didn't feel sorry for these people. And this one, my favorite story is, my friend in the background was like hiding because he thought I was going to riot. What's going to happen? And this woman, irate woman comes up to the club manager and says, my friend ordered steak medium, and it's rare, and could you get that guy off the stage? He sucks. I like how his second is in importance to the steak.

38:48 Drew You know, it's- In a club that is not known for its restaurant, the Culinary Delight. Yeah. It's improv.

38:53 Rob Schneider Improv in Irvine.

38:55 Adam That is the voice of Rob Schneider, who can be found nationwide on many, many screens, starting tomorrow, Friday, June 1st. Phone number here, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1.

39:10 Rob Schneider That's a romantic scene with a girl.

39:11 Drew How was Colleen as an actress?

39:12 Rob Schneider She's terrific. She's natural. You know, she said she-

39:14 Drew Was she never active before?

39:16 Rob Schneider No. She said she never acted before. My attitude was great. Don't start now. And what you do naturally is terrific, so, you know, and we had a lot of film to like with animals. Do you take your time? And it was nice because they had a little success in the last movie and they give you a little room this time.

39:32 Adam We will go to phones now and speak to EK., who's 19.

39:36 Rob Schneider Bring it on, man.

39:37 What's up?

39:38 Rob Schneider What's up?

39:39 What's up? First of all, I want to say Rob Schneider, you're the second funniest man alive.

39:43 Rob Schneider I'll take that, man. That's huge.

39:45 Next to Adam Corolla.

39:46 Adam Oh, great.

39:47 Rob Schneider Hey, that's respect. I take that.

39:49 Drew What's up, BK?

39:50 Before I ask something to Rob Schneider, I want to say that Adam Corolla, I made one of the worst mistakes of my life.

39:55 Rob Schneider What?

39:55 I transferred from Skyline Junior College and I end up going to a five-year junior college, San Francisco State.

40:02 Rob Schneider Dude, I know. I grew up right down the street from Skyline. Yeah.

40:05 So anyway, he's underwhelmed. Rob, I heard you came from Pacifica.

40:09 Rob Schneider Yeah, that's true.

40:11 Yeah, because I live in Pacifica right now.

40:12 Rob Schneider Yeah, that's great, man.

40:13 Yeah, not really. I'm Filipino and I'm really proud that you got there. I just wanted to know how you started out.

40:21 Rob Schneider You know, I was a stand up comedian. I was writing jokes when I was about 13.

40:24 Drew You went to college?

40:26 Rob Schneider I went to Skyland. No, actually, I went to, where do I go, San Francisco State for like a little summer stock theater. I didn't do much college. I went to junior college in the College of Marin. They get into a theater program. But really, I was smoking nightclubs for me. That wasn't for me. Alcohol, waitresses, smoking nightclubs.

40:42 Drew How old are you?

40:43 Rob Schneider How old am I now?

40:44 Drew No, when you were born.

40:46 Rob Schneider Oh, I'm in my late thirties. I'll just say mid thirties. Let's stick to mid thirties.

40:51 Adam Hey, EK, you want to get into comedy? Yeah. You can be, there's not that many Filipino stand-ups.

41:00 Rob Schneider There's not a lot of call for it, I'll be honest with you. We need a Filipino guy for this.

41:03 Drew But it's a niche.

41:04 Rob Schneider You know what we gotta have for this movie is a Filipino guy. Filipino comedian. I don't know. My Filipino relatives are great. The best audience you can get. But hey, if you write your own movies, that's the key to it. My career was in the toilet, so I started writing my own movies.

41:20 Oh, that was my plan too. Hey, one last question.

41:22 Rob Schneider Oh, here it comes.

41:24 What's your favorite Filipino dish?

41:27 Rob Schneider Well, if my mom makes chicken adobo, I can go right to sleep no matter what. Chicken adobo is the best. That's the best chicken dish in the world.

41:34 Adam How much Filipino do you have in you?

41:37 Rob Schneider My mom is half Filipino.

41:39 Drew Is that a big Filipino community up there, in the Pacifica?

41:42 Rob Schneider In Daly City, it was. It was like a way station for Filipinos in my house. They would come in from the Philippines. They'd stay at my house for a bit. They'd get their own place and then they boom, boom, constantly streaming of Filipinos. They were great people.

41:54 Adam What's your dad? German?

41:55 Rob Schneider German.

41:56 Adam Yeah, because you don't seem too Filipino.

42:00 Rob Schneider I don't get out in the sun a lot, so I look kind of pale, but I don't know what to say. I know a few words, bastus, that's about it.

42:09 Adam Did your dad meet your mom during the war or something?

42:12 Rob Schneider No, my dad met my mom and thought she was Japanese and fell in love, you know, because he just read, you know, Suzy Wong or something like that, you know. So he, and then he found out like two years after their marriage, he's not really Japanese. It's all worked out.

42:24 Adam Nicole?

42:25 Rob Schneider Yes.

42:25 Adam You're 21?

42:26 Rob Schneider 22.

42:27 Adam What's up?

42:29 Rob Schneider I can't figure out, like, I don't know if it's, if I'm taking it out on myself because, like the guys that I date don't want to be friends afterwards and I can't figure that out.

42:40 Drew That's because you're dating guys.

42:42 Rob Schneider How old are you?

42:43 Rob Schneider 22.

42:44 Drew Yeah. Guys, guys when they, after they're done with the relationship, want to just check out most of them. There's some evolved guys can maintain a friendship. Well, you know those guys?

42:53 Rob Schneider Yeah, I tried to.

42:54 Drew But most guys want to just duck out and be gone.

42:56 Rob Schneider So you, but you sleep with these guys and then they break up with you? Is that it?

42:59 Rob Schneider Well, it's like a year long relationship.

43:01 Rob Schneider Okay.

43:02 Drew Women are much more evolved when it comes to stuff like this because their position is, hey, this is a person I cared about. It's an intimate relationship, it's a friendship I value him. And his thing is, I got to get out of here.

43:12 Adam Well, it's like a boss wondering why his employees stuck around after he stopped paying them and fired them. You know what I mean? There's nothing in it for him anymore. Why keep showing up? Why keep punching in?

43:26 Rob Schneider That is such a dirty image.

43:27 Adam You're not bringing home a paycheck.

43:28 Drew I think there's even more of a negative than that. That somehow guys feel exposed or something, they just want to get out when they're done.

43:33 Rob Schneider Vulnerable.

43:33 Drew Yeah, I don't know what it is.

43:35 Rob Schneider There's nothing to do.

43:36 Rob Schneider But first of all, you're dating guys in their 20s, they're still kids, you know. They're emotionally more immature than you.

43:41 Rob Schneider Actually, they are like in their 30s.

43:43 Rob Schneider Well, guys in their 30s are going to be more emotionally mature than you. Well, I don't know. Guys, it's tough. Guys don't want to commit. It's just a thing.

43:50 Adam Who broke up with who, though?

43:52 Rob Schneider I did.

43:53 Adam You're breaking up with them.

43:54 Rob Schneider Because they don't want to commit.

43:56 Rob Schneider Sort of, yeah.

43:57 Rob Schneider There we go.

43:58 Adam Yeah. And then, why do you want to be friends with them after you break up with them?

44:05 Rob Schneider I don't know, because I felt that if I spent that much time with them, it's kind of a waste to throw away.

44:10 Adam You women do that because you sleep with a guy and you have to rationalize it that you're now best friends and you have to hang out and all this.

44:17 Rob Schneider Sure, I slept with a guy.

44:18 Drew They actually also experience a loss when they lose the person.

44:21 Adam Right. But then a new guy shows up and the old guy's hanging around and he doesn't like you hanging around with the old guy. And then, God forbid, one day you get married and you want to invite the old guy to the wedding. And it gets really weird.

44:33 Rob Schneider That's just gross.

44:34 Adam Yeah. Find a guy. He'll commit. You commit. You've got your own relationship.

44:40 Rob Schneider Another thing is, is finding, no, just finding men friends that don't want to sleep with me.

44:48 Rob Schneider Well, there you go. Well, that's the age old problem.

44:51 Drew Yeah, either you're going to be attracted to them or they're going to be attracted to you. That's why you have the friendship.

44:56 Adam Well, why is this such a deliberate plan, Nicole? I mean, why are you putting so much thought into it?

45:02 Rob Schneider I don't know.

45:03 Adam Why is this a problem?

45:04 Rob Schneider Don't you, yeah.

45:05 Drew Go to school?

45:07 Rob Schneider Yeah, college.

45:08 Rob Schneider You living at home?

45:10 Rob Schneider No, I live by myself.

45:11 Rob Schneider Okay. It sounds like you got a few good things going.

45:13 Adam You got a boyfriend right now?

45:15 Rob Schneider No.

45:15 Adam No. Would you like one?

45:19 Yeah, sort of.

45:20 Adam Do you have girlfriends?

45:22 Rob Schneider Yeah.

45:23 Adam You do? All right. And you have no male friends?

45:27 Rob Schneider I do, but that problem is they always want to sleep with me. I mean, that kind of gets annoying.

45:32 Rob Schneider Well, you know what? That's every woman. That's their problem.

45:35 Rob Schneider That's the guy's problem.

45:37 Adam You know any gay guys? No.

45:40 Rob Schneider I wish.

45:41 Adam Yeah. I wish I knew more. They're hanging around with gay guys. They'll cheer you right up. They're very jovial.

45:47 Rob Schneider I don't think you have a problem, by the way. That's very normal.

45:50 Drew I'm trying to figure out why she perceives this all to be such a problem right now. Are you graduating college? Why don't you have more friends? Just in general.

46:02 Rob Schneider I think just because, well, I'm not in school right now, but I'm going back and then my job is just kind of dead in and I just need to meet more people.

46:11 Drew Yeah. Most of your age hang out in groups. The groups of friends.

46:14 Rob Schneider You know what I think you should do is just fall in love with yourself and just do things for yourself and stop. Don't think about getting happiness from other people at this point. You can do things for yourself.

46:25 Adam I'll tell you what Nicole has to do right now is do what's best for Nicole. Nicole needs to love Nicole.

46:30 Rob Schneider There you go.

46:31 Adam Or you need to be like me who's in love with the notion of being in love.

46:35 Rob Schneider Yeah. That's true.

46:36 Adam Which is a mild twist on falling in love with yourself, which I'm going to do later. When we come back, we'll speak to Matt who's 18.

46:42 Drew When you go home?

46:43 Adam Maybe on the ride home.

46:44 Rob Schneider So there's like a pattern that you're in. You're spinning in that same pattern.

46:47 Drew Dude, you beat off. The loving himself is nightly.

46:49 Adam Yes. Matt is 18. He's had a constant erection since he was 12. Doctors can't help it. So we'll talk to him.

46:58 Rob Schneider Perfect.

46:59 Adam After this.

47:03 Rob Schneider Loveline will be right back. So get your problems ready.

47:44 Adam It's the Loveline, everybody. I'm Adam Corolla, that's Dr. Drew over there. Rob Schneider is our guest tonight.

47:51 Rob Schneider Thank you, sir.

47:51 Adam Rob can be found on The Animal, which is coming out tomorrow.

47:56 Rob Schneider Tomorrow, June 1st.

47:58 Adam That is right, Friday. In a huge release, so it'll be everywhere. Everywhere we are, it will be, and places we're not as well. Matt?

48:08 Yes.

48:08 Adam You're 18?

48:10 Caller I guess. I've had an erec- I masturbated when I was 12, and I've had an erection ever since. And I've seen several different doctors, and one told me to call a Guinness. I was wondering if-

48:24 Rob Schneider The beer company or the world records?

48:26 Caller No, the world records.

48:28 Drew It never goes down.

48:30 Caller No. I, to hide it, I put a sweatband for a head around my thigh and tuck it in. My parents know they've tried several people.

48:39 Adam A sweatband keeps it down to your thigh?

48:42 Rob Schneider I gotta do that. I gotta try that.

48:43 Drew And you see this having been triggered by your masturbating?

48:46 Caller Well, I don't know what triggered it, but I mean, it doesn't go down. I was wondering if there was any type of, like, opposite of Viagra drug or anything you guys knew about?

48:57 Adam I think this may sound cruel, but if you watch that Margaret Cho half-hour comedy special where she's wearing the leather jumpsuit from 1994, nipples are kind of pointing through in a weird way, I think that might kill it. And now you run the risk of never having it return. But the Margaret Cho video always does it for me.

49:22 Drew Is there, are you on your medication?

49:25 Caller I take inhaler for asthma as needed.

49:27 Drew You don't take those all the time?

49:29 Caller No, just, it's...

49:31 Drew And do you still masturbate?

49:32 Caller Uh, not for about eight months now.

49:34 Drew Ooh, do you have arousal?

49:37 Caller Uh, yeah.

49:37 Drew You normally arouse?

49:38 Caller I have a girlfriend, I have sex.

49:39 Rob Schneider Have you thought about entering the porn business?

49:43 Caller No.

49:43 Rob Schneider As a side job? Not a full-time thing?

49:46 Adam Does it ever get harder than what it is or is it always the same state?

49:51 Caller It's always the same state.

49:54 Adam And is this priapism, Drew? Is that what this would be?

49:59 Drew Priapism is a painful erection, though.

50:02 Adam Does this hurt?

50:03 Caller No. It hadn't hurt. That's what one of the doctors said it might have been, but they rolled it out.

50:09 Drew Did you see a urologist?

50:11 Caller Huh?

50:11 Drew Did you see a urologist? You know, you should go to a university center, go to the Department of Urology. There's got to be something they could do.

50:19 Caller No, I think it's next to that.

50:21 Adam You know, the great part will be when they put you in that gown that ties up in the back and take your underpants away from you and have you walk up and down the hall in slippers. That's going to be humiliating. What if you take it, I'll tell you what always kills a boner for me. Take it.

50:36 Drew Please tell us.

50:37 Adam Yeah, it works. Take it, pull it up against your belly and wear it in your pants like you had a gun stuff down your pants, you know what I mean, in your waistband.

50:50 Rob Schneider Try it right now while we're holding on.

50:51 Adam Like Robert Blake would wear his gun.

50:53 Drew I'm going to kink it. Kink it to the blood.

50:55 Adam Yeah, pull it up and put it against your belly and then just put the head right under the waistband.

51:01 Rob Schneider What's wrong with a cock ring?

51:04 Adam Well, that's his problem. I mean, that's not going to work.

51:06 Rob Schneider Okay, just throw it out there.

51:08 Adam Besides, I don't think you can get one on when you're a wreck. Matt?

51:11 Rob Schneider Yes.

51:11 Adam Did you do that?

51:13 Rob Schneider No, I didn't.

51:14 Adam What are you wearing right now?

51:15 Caller I'm wearing boxers. I'm pretty much falling asleep.

51:18 Adam All right, stand up and put it against your belly.

51:21 Drew Why stand up?

51:22 Adam It works better that way. And that's how I kill a boner.

51:27 Caller You're weird.

51:28 Adam Really? Wouldn't that kill it for you? No?

51:32 Rob Schneider How does this affect sports for you?

51:34 Rob Schneider Nothing's happening.

51:35 Adam No? Yeah, give it a couple of minutes.

51:37 Rob Schneider Go to the urologist. You'll figure something out.

51:42 Adam Okay, but man, has it been a serious, serious boner for six years?

51:47 Caller Yeah, it's a full-fledged boner for about six years. It's like embarrassing when I'm in locker rooms taking a shower, guys make fun of me, and stuff like that.

51:55 Adam Yeah, why do you take showers in the locker room with that boner of yours?

52:00 Rob Schneider Because I don't want to not take a shower after a game.

52:03 Drew Don't want to miss out on life.

52:04 Rob Schneider I'm thinking this is all crap. He's putting a sketch.

52:08 Adam It's a joke.

52:08 Rob Schneider I don't buy it, because he's giggling.

52:11 Adam All right, man.

52:12 Rob Schneider I don't buy it.

52:13 Adam I don't know if I buy it either. Six years.

52:16 Rob Schneider That's a long one. Two years I buy. Six years. Two years, 24 months. Reaction, I buy it.

52:24 Adam Travis?

52:25 Rob Schneider Yeah.

52:26 Adam You're 19? Yeah, I'm 19. What's up?

52:28 Rob Schneider How long have you had your erection?

52:30 Rob Schneider I've had several. Well, first of all, I'd like to say to the guy that I called earlier. I'm dating a 26-year-old and I'm 19, and so he's got to keep his head up.

52:41 Rob Schneider Yeah. How's that going? He has other issues, though. You're doing okay.

52:44 Rob Schneider I hope so.

52:45 Adam Yeah. You smoke a lot of weed?

52:47 Rob Schneider I used to, but I haven't smoked weed for a year.

52:50 Adam All right.

52:52 Rob Schneider Good. Yeah, it's actually much better.

52:55 Adam So what's your question?

52:57 Rob Schneider Well, I used to masturbate a lot when I was younger, like anywhere from four to like seven times a day.

53:04 Drew What do you mean by younger?

53:06 Rob Schneider Well, I started off when I was 15.

53:08 Adam Yeah.

53:09 Rob Schneider And so that's what I mean by younger. But...

53:13 Caller Unacceptable.

53:15 Rob Schneider My libido has decreased and it's just it's not necessarily hard for me to get up anymore, but it's just...

53:23 Rob Schneider You drinking a lot of coffee?

53:25 Rob Schneider No.

53:26 Adam Yeah.

53:26 Rob Schneider I just... It's... I don't really want to...

53:32 Adam You don't want to have sex?

53:34 Rob Schneider Well, not as much as I used to when I was younger.

53:37 Adam What's up with your 26-year-old girlfriend?

53:40 Rob Schneider Yeah, what's going on with that?

53:42 Drew Are you having sex with her?

53:44 Rob Schneider Yes.

53:44 Adam Is she divorced?

53:45 Rob Schneider No. She's never been married. She was a virgin until she met me.

53:49 Drew Wait, so you were masturbating five times a day, right?

53:51 Rob Schneider Anywhere from four to seven.

53:54 Rob Schneider Are you having normal sexual relations with her?

53:56 Rob Schneider Yes.

53:57 Rob Schneider Well, then what's the deal? I don't get it. What's the problem?

53:59 Drew You're sort of down to normal now, right?

54:00 Rob Schneider Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you were incredibly overly sexual and abusing yourself, and now you're kind of normal with the chick.

54:09 Adam How long have you been with her?

54:11 Rob Schneider Almost six months now.

54:12 Adam So she was a virgin till the age of 26?

54:15 Rob Schneider Yes.

54:16 Adam What's up with her?

54:18 Rob Schneider She was practicing Catholic, and kind of still is, but she's not doing it anymore.

54:26 Adam I don't totally trust her. Is she nuts?

54:28 Rob Schneider No, she's perfectly sane.

54:30 Drew So you were addicted to marijuana and a compulsive masturbator, right?

54:33 Rob Schneider No, I was never addicted.

54:34 Drew You smoked a lot of pot?

54:36 Rob Schneider No, not a lot of pot. Just like every once in a while, I'd buy like an eight.

54:40 Rob Schneider And I don't like the term chronic masturbation. I think habitual.

54:44 Adam And why did you quit if you weren't into pot? I mean, if you weren't addicted to it?

54:47 Rob Schneider It didn't do anything for me, really. It just all it did was spend my money and and make me think about things that I didn't want to think about.

54:55 Drew Like what?

54:56 Rob Schneider Just a lot of I would think about a lot of eternity and like what things would happen to me after I died.

55:03 Drew Were you depressed during all that time?

55:06 Rob Schneider Kind of, but not really.

55:07 Drew Has anybody suggested you're bipolar or anything like that?

55:09 Rob Schneider No, I've.

55:10 Rob Schneider Would you like somebody to?

55:12 Drew You want to wear it, Trav?

55:13 Rob Schneider When I was younger, I was always borderline ADHD.

55:17 Caller OK.

55:18 Rob Schneider My parents never put me on any medication like that for you.

55:22 Adam All right. OK. Well, listen, sounds like everything's going all right for you now. I mean, you got 26 year old virgin.

55:28 Rob Schneider It's all working out.

55:29 Drew You're not smoking pot. You go to school?

55:31 Rob Schneider Yeah, I go to the community college.

55:33 Adam No. All right.

55:34 Rob Schneider But I'm going to a four year school, Adam.

55:36 Adam Right.

55:37 Rob Schneider Yeah. Good, man.

55:38 Drew We're going to go.

55:39 Rob Schneider I'm thinking UW or Arizona State.

55:42 Adam Okay. Arizona State, by the way, is just a junior college with a football team that is well insured.

55:47 Rob Schneider Some hot chicks.

55:48 Adam And hot chicks.

55:49 Rob Schneider That makes it a four year school.

55:50 Adam That's true. All right, Travis.

55:52 Drew At a bell tower.

55:53 Adam Good times. All right. Thanks, Adam. I don't know what his problem was, but it didn't sound like much.

55:58 Rob Schneider It sounded like he's just up late.

55:59 Drew Couldn't get my hands around that guy.

56:00 Adam Yeah. Louis?

56:01 Caller Yeah.

56:02 Adam Year 15, what's up?

56:04 Caller Well, my girlfriend, we just started going out today.

56:06 Caller She invited me to come over and spend the night at her house.

56:10 Rob Schneider Well, how old is she?

56:11 Caller She's 15 also.

56:13 Caller Perfect.

56:13 Rob Schneider Great parents.

56:17 Caller Yeah. I'm a virgin, but I'm not sure if I should go or not because I'm really into losing my virginity when I get married and stuff like that.

56:28 Drew Then don't go.

56:29 Adam Well, wait a minute. Where's their parents? Are they going out of town?

56:32 Rob Schneider Well, their parents are going to be there. I'm not sure if I should-

56:34 Rob Schneider Are their parents going to be in the same room? What's the deal?

56:37 Caller Well, she never said anything about actually having sex, but I'm not sure if she will want to or not.

56:43 Rob Schneider Okay. I got to ask you a question. Do you have any feelings towards men?

56:46 Caller Yeah.

56:47 Rob Schneider Men, right?

56:49 Caller Yeah.

56:49 Rob Schneider You do. Okay.

56:50 Drew No, no, wait a minute. I don't think you heard that.

56:51 Rob Schneider Do you have any feelings towards men?

56:53 Caller No.

56:54 Rob Schneider Attractions to other guys at all?

56:56 Caller Not at all.

56:56 Rob Schneider Because I don't know any 15-year-old male would turn that down. Just so you know.

57:00 Drew No.

57:00 Rob Schneider That's not.

57:01 Drew We hear that once in a while. I think I bet you this young lady, sex has not even crossed her mind. She just wants you to come over. So go on over there when it's time. But just talk about what she'll think is cute, quaint, so that she'll like your values.

57:15 Adam I don't understand why she's offered you to sleep over when her parents are there. Won't her parents object to that?

57:21 Caller Well, I'm not sure because her parents are divorced. I mean, her mom knows I'm going to be over there.

57:26 Adam Yeah. And why did she suggest sleeping over, though? Do you live far away from her?

57:32 Yeah.

57:33 Adam Okay, so it's the kind of thing where you couldn't go home that night because you lived too far.

57:37 Caller Yeah.

57:38 Rob Schneider How do your parents feel about that, this invite?

57:40 Caller Well, they're not too sure about it either.

57:43 Drew Well, you've got to calm down.

57:45 Caller All right.

57:45 Drew Yeah, I think she just wants to spend a little time with you.

57:48 Adam What base have you got to with her?

57:50 Caller Huh?

57:50 Adam What base, sexually?

57:53 Caller Nowhere, sexually.

57:54 Adam You've got nowhere. Have you kissed her?

57:56 Drew Um, no. Is that what you're afraid of, that whole experience?

57:59 Caller No, no, I've kissed her.

57:59 Rob Schneider You want to kiss her?

58:01 Caller Yeah.

58:01 Adam Have you, so you've not tongue-kissed her?

58:04 Caller No.

58:05 Drew No kiss.

58:06 Adam What is up with this? How is she even your...

58:08 Caller She's weird at times and she's talked about it before, so I'm not really...

58:12 Rob Schneider Talked about what?

58:13 Caller About having sex.

58:14 Rob Schneider Okay.

58:15 Adam You sure she's your girlfriend?

58:17 Caller Yeah.

58:17 Adam Aren't you supposed to kiss your girlfriend? Aren't you supposed to make out with her at 15?

58:20 Caller I mean, we just started going out like yesterday.

58:23 Rob Schneider Ah, there we go. It's all going to work out, buddy.

58:26 Adam What the hell is going on here?

58:29 Rob Schneider It sounds like, you know, the first 24 hours of relationship is the toughest.

58:31 Drew You know how long a day is in 15-year-old years.

58:33 Adam Yeah, but you started going out with her yesterday. She invited you to sleep over that day.

58:39 Rob Schneider She may break up with you this weekend.

58:40 Caller She's finding it for her. Yeah.

58:41 Drew And you've got all these wild preconceived notions about her and her family. Relax.

58:47 Rob Schneider Chill out, man. Go see a movie this weekend, preferably mine.

58:51 Adam That's right. Go see The Animal. Will do. All right.

58:53 Drew Very fine.

58:54 Adam Okay. You don't know if it's funny.

58:56 Drew Shut up.

58:58 Rob Schneider Come on. He's got to give me the benefit of the doubt.

59:00 Adam I will say based on Rob's previous work, it will be very funny. Thank you, sir. I still couldn't figure out the guy's rap. They've not made out. They're not boyfriend and girlfriend. He met her yesterday. She asked him if he wanted to sleep over the day after they met.

59:16 Rob Schneider Look, if some girl asked me when I was 15 years old to sleep over, I'm sleeping over. I'm not calling a show and asking what they think.

59:21 Adam Yeah.

59:21 Rob Schneider I'm thinking of something else going on there.

59:22 Drew Both those last two guys were playing handball against curtains.

59:25 Adam Yeah. It's hard to figure out what their question was. Hey, Damian, I want to talk to some chicks. I'm talking to way too many dudes on this show.

59:34 Rob Schneider Yeah, yeah, yeah.

59:36 Adam Don't give me excuses. Just get some chicks on the phone.

59:38 Rob Schneider Yeah.

59:39 Caller Yeah.

59:40 Adam All right. You want to try this, Jesse? Jesse? Hey, what's up? Jesse, the dude?

59:44 Drew All males up there.

59:44 Rob Schneider Jeez. Let's pass that one.

59:46 Adam All right. Well, then they're all guys.

59:48 Rob Schneider They're all guys?

59:49 Drew Let's take some blind ones.

59:50 Rob Schneider See if the guys have girls.

59:51 Drew Go through some blind calls to get a girl.

59:53 Rob Schneider Hello.

59:53 Drew Really?

59:54 Adam All right.

59:54 Rob Schneider What do you got? Hello.

59:55 Adam Hello. I'm trying that.

59:58 Rob Schneider Hello, girl.

59:59 Hello.

59:59 Rob Schneider There you go. Look at Dr. Drew.

1:00:02 Adam What's your name?

1:00:03 Lara.

1:00:04 Adam Lara? Lara?

1:00:05 Yes.

1:00:05 Adam How old are you?

1:00:06 Rob Schneider You're 26?

1:00:07 32.

1:00:08 Rob Schneider Perfect.

1:00:09 Adam What's your question?

1:00:10 I have a daughter and my husband likes to kiss her, obviously, because she's his daughter. And a lot of times she says no and he makes her kiss him anyway. And I want to know if that's healthy, if he should not kiss her because she says no, because to teach her not boundaries. You know what I mean?

1:00:30 Drew Yeah. How old is she?

1:00:32 She's two.

1:00:33 Drew Two.

1:00:34 Rob Schneider Boring.

1:00:35 Adam Yeah. It's a horrible call. Is he using his tongue?

1:00:39 Drew No. I think it's okay to... I think it's okay to kiss her too.

1:00:45 Adam You mean to force it on her?

1:00:47 Drew Not force it. I mean, if a child is objecting strongly, no. I mean, yes, you have to be respectful of her boundaries, but I think it also helps her if... You know, as long as you're not forcing her, it helps her understand that she can... to learn how to express herself in an affectionate way.

1:01:02 Adam Right. Hold still while she's being raped. Is that what you're saying, Drew?

1:01:05 Drew No. I think kids need to learn how to express love a little bit.

1:01:09 Adam Is your husband a good guy or does he scare her?

1:01:12 Rob Schneider No, he's a great guy.

1:01:13 Rob Schneider Does he scare you?

1:01:15 Rob Schneider No, not at all.

1:01:16 Rob Schneider Then you're all right.

1:01:17 Rob Schneider Come here and give me a hug.

1:01:20 Rob Schneider You're all right. OK, next caller. I'd rather have a guy than that kind of phone call.

1:01:23 Adam Let's see.

1:01:24 Rob Schneider Hello. Hello. Hopefully a chick.

1:01:26 Caller Hello.

1:01:28 Adam Hello.

1:01:28 Rob Schneider Hello.

1:01:29 Adam It's a dude.

1:01:30 Caller Hold on.

1:01:31 Adam All right, Drew, we got nothing but dudes up there.

1:01:34 Rob Schneider What happened?

1:01:34 Adam Who's our best dude prospect?

1:01:36 Caller There you go.

1:01:36 Adam Jesse.

1:01:37 Hello.

1:01:37 Adam You're 14.

1:01:38 Caller Yeah.

1:01:38 Rob Schneider What's going on?

1:01:39 Caller I just want to say to Rob, oh my God, I'm so nervous right now. You are the reason why I want to be an actor. I want to be-

1:01:52 Drew From Pacifica too.

1:01:53 Caller Yeah, from Pacifica. I was like an Ortega in sixth grade, and you came for some reason. Can things like support the music or something?

1:02:03 Rob Schneider Yeah, yeah. We have a music program that my family and some local leaders of the civic community. Yeah, it's a good program. Hey, listen, you know what you do? Don't put any pressure on yourself. Just go see some funny movies, and I started writing jokes about your age, and just relax. There's no pressure, you know? And if it leads down that road, the main thing I say, it's not about making a living or being famous. It's about doing something you enjoy. And if you enjoy performing, then you perform. Hopefully, there's like a theater program in the town. We're actually going to build a little performing arts center there that we're working on in the next five years. It'll be a place to perform for kids. And just take it easy. And you can write jokes and perform for your friends and stuff. That's what we did. You know, in high school, there's a talent show at the turnover high school that I did. There's no pressure, and it's nice. But do what excites you and have a good time. And if I can make it, anybody can make it.

1:02:59 Adam And you started writing jokes at 13?

1:03:01 Rob Schneider Yeah, my parents thought I was nuts, actually. You know, I was up till 2 o'clock in the morning writing jokes. And they actually took me to see a psychologist. And he was a great guy, Ken Church. He actually said, you know, he's not crazy. He's an artist, you know, and that was great. But that's not what my parents wanted to hear. So they wanted to take me to somebody else.

1:03:15 Adam So you're doing you're writing stand up jokes?

1:03:17 Rob Schneider Yeah, just jokes and stories and stuff, because like I was excited about like that was the first thing I was ever excited about.

1:03:23 Adam And who did you watch? Who were you into?

1:03:26 Rob Schneider I was really into Monty Python. I was like the biggest. That was just such a charge. You know, those guys were just, you know, brilliant and obviously just, you know, weren't afraid to be stupid or whatever. They tried to please themselves. And Richard Pryor, I like Cheech and Chong. I was a little little kid, you know.

1:03:39 Adam So did you go out and watch like, you know, Life of Bryan and the Holy Grail and all that stuff?

1:03:44 Rob Schneider Anything comedy, whoever could drive me to there. You know, sometimes my dad would. He took me to see Groove Tube.

1:03:49 Adam Oh, yeah.

1:03:50 Rob Schneider So funny. My dad, you know, I was like 10 or something. My dad didn't care. He took me to anything funny.

1:03:54 Drew Yeah, that was dirty to Kentucky for a movie.

1:03:56 Adam That was a great movie.

1:03:57 Drew Wait a minute. I saw it on like a, you know, some cable channel recently. You don't realize how pathetic and primitive that film was.

1:04:05 Adam It was low budget.

1:04:06 Rob Schneider It doesn't matter.

1:04:07 Drew We laughed so hard.

1:04:08 Adam It was primitive, but it was funny.

1:04:10 Drew It was cutting edge at the time.

1:04:12 Rob Schneider Yeah, at the time, yeah.

1:04:12 Drew Now it's like, oh my God, why do we think this is funny? It's very hard to even laugh at it.

1:04:17 Adam Oh, please.

1:04:18 Drew Have you seen it recently?

1:04:19 Adam She was six feet of black dynamite. He was a short, Hasidic Jew. Cleopatra Schwartz. While she burned the ghetto to the ground, he kindled the Sabbath candles.

1:04:30 Rob Schneider Some things don't age as well. But at the time, you know, I remember just being turned on by stuff. Like Richard Pryor's comedy. I remember George Carlin. The class clown was hilarious. And in Toledo Windabox, he discovered cocaine. Pryor was the greatest ever. The greatest ever. Anybody who says he's not the greatest stand up ever is just blatantly wrong and doesn't have the knowledge of comedy. He was the greatest stand up ever. You know it's funny. I actually asked him one time. I met him one time and I said, boy that first concert was like the prototype doctorate for stand up comedy.

1:05:01 Caller And he said, you know what?

1:05:03 Rob Schneider I didn't really have the material down. I mean six months later it was tight. It was better. You know, imagine what that was like. He didn't have it figured out yet. He was still working on that stuff. What that would have been.

1:05:13 Adam He was a genius and I'm amazed at all the guys who came after him. They just did sort of basically blatant rip offs. Not even rip offs. They're just doing him.

1:05:21 Rob Schneider Second generation version of him. Not as good as him.

1:05:24 Adam Right. Debbie?

1:05:26 Yes.

1:05:26 Adam You're 21?

1:05:28 Caller Yeah. I've been listening to your show and there was a girl that you guys were talking to and she was a size 34 double D or something.

1:05:36 Adam Yeah.

1:05:37 Caller And she was thinking about getting a reduction because of how she felt that people were looking at her or whatever. Okay. And you were talking to her as long as she wasn't having any problems or anything to keep them.

1:05:49 Adam Right.

1:05:50 Drew Yeah. Also, Debbie, she was like 15.

1:05:53 Caller Oh, well.

1:05:54 Drew And we were trying to say, look, you know, just cool out a little while.

1:05:56 Rob Schneider I mean, how old are you? Did you have a breast reduction?

1:05:58 Caller No. No, but I'm 34D.

1:06:02 Drew How old are you? How old are you?

1:06:04 Caller I'm 21.

1:06:05 Rob Schneider Okay. What's going on? Is it hurting your back or something?

1:06:08 Caller I have back problems. And you were saying something about back exercises or something like that.

1:06:13 Rob Schneider Yoga is a darn good thing and it can strengthen your... I know it sounds weird, but if you have a posture where you're sticking your shoulders back, it's going to help a little bit. But, you know.

1:06:23 Adam How big is the rest of you?

1:06:25 Caller I'm 5'7, 135.

1:06:28 Adam You're overweight. Drew, please. I'm not overweight.

1:06:31 Drew How tall is she? 5'7.

1:06:32 Adam She's not overweight.

1:06:34 Rob Schneider Most of that is boobs at this point, isn't it?

1:06:36 Adam I'm not lying. She's 5'5, and she's 152.

1:06:39 Drew You're fat.

1:06:40 Adam Drew, please.

1:06:42 Rob Schneider How really, how heavy are you? You used to be 135.

1:06:44 Rob Schneider I'm 135.

1:06:45 Rob Schneider Get on the scale. Do you have a scale right there?

1:06:47 Rob Schneider No, I'm in my truck.

1:06:49 Adam Oh, truck. No one owns a truck who's under 152.

1:06:52 Rob Schneider Get on the scale on your truck. Take the scale out of your truck. Step on it.

1:06:55 Adam No, drive your truck onto one of those big...

1:06:57 Drew Get out of the car.

1:06:59 Rob Schneider Get on it...

1:06:59 Adam .scales and do the math. Okay. Hey, Debbie? Yeah. 34D is not a mammoth bust. It's a nice bust.

1:07:08 Rob Schneider You should be happy.

1:07:09 Adam But it's not a crazy novelty bag.

1:07:12 Caller Yeah, I know, but I have back problems.

1:07:14 Rob Schneider Have you thought about gaffer tape?

1:07:15 Caller I'm wondering if I'm that.

1:07:16 Drew It could be an upper back?

1:07:18 Caller Huh?

1:07:18 Drew Upper back and neck?

1:07:20 Caller Yeah, kind of.

1:07:21 Rob Schneider Would you want to do something for this? How about, seriously, yoga and some weights? And if you drop, like, 5 pounds, you'll drop some boob weight.

1:07:29 Caller Yeah, I was thinking about that, too.

1:07:31 Drew Absolutely. And if not, if yoga doesn't do it, there's physical therapy, there are other sorts of modalities you can get into.

1:07:36 Rob Schneider My girlfriend, there's a lot of yoga, she's got very large breasts, and it's a tough thing, but you know what she does yoga, and there's a certain thing with her posture, a lot of girls don't want to stick their boobs out and put their shoulders back, but actually the strongest part of your back are your shoulders, so if you kind of arch your back, and know what kind of looks you're putting your best foot forward there, but it's going to relieve the pressure and put the weight on the strongest part of your back as opposed to your neck.

1:07:57 Drew What kind of yoga do you do?

1:07:58 Rob Schneider It's just Hatha yoga. And yoga will also strengthen your, you got to do some weights too for your neck and stuff, and check out your posture, chances are your posture is not very good.

1:08:08 Adam What kind of yoga?

1:08:10 Rob Schneider Hatha yoga.

1:08:11 Caller Hatha yoga?

1:08:12 Rob Schneider Asahara yoga also.

1:08:13 Adam And what is that?

1:08:14 Rob Schneider Ashtanda yoga.

1:08:15 Drew Ashtanda, that's the hot yoga.

1:08:17 Rob Schneider Yeah, that's, you know, but the Hatha yoga is a little easier, and you know, especially for beginners if you want to get in there, but honestly, trust me, do some weight lifting, get into the gym, you know, and it will impress people because they want to help you because you got big boobs.

1:08:27 Adam Does she do the hot yoga too where they keep the room up?

1:08:31 Rob Schneider She does that too, yeah. She digs that, you know, she's into it. I don't know as much. I like doing yoga just, you know, without a bunch of sweaty people around me, actually. Yeah. But then once you get in there, you get over it, the sweaty people, because you can't help but concentrate on what you're doing.

1:08:42 Adam Let me just tell everybody about the medicinal uses for sweat. None. You're talking to a guy who's been sweating his ass off his entire life, and I'm no better for it. No, it's good for you.

1:08:54 Rob Schneider It is good for you.

1:08:54 Adam Is it?

1:08:55 Rob Schneider Get toxins out of your system.

1:08:56 Adam I don't know. Drew, you've seen how much I sweat, right?

1:08:59 Drew I think sweat is good because your muscles are working. It's a good state to be in. Absolutely.

1:09:03 Adam But what if you're-

1:09:03 Drew Just to be overheating.

1:09:04 Adam But if you're like me, but you're like eating ribs and you're sweating.

1:09:07 Drew Yeah, that's not good.

1:09:08 Rob Schneider That's a different kind of pressure on your body.

1:09:09 Drew I think the sweating associated with muscular exertion is very, very good for you. Not just because it's sweating, but because the state your muscles are in when you sweat.

1:09:16 Adam We will take ourselves a little break. Keep the boobs. Keep them both. That's right. Rob Schneider is our guest tonight, and we'll be back after this. Sweet.

1:09:26 Rob Schneider Loveline will be right back, so get your problems ready. Ready.

1:10:00 Adam Hey, hey, hey, Loveline, everybody. I'm Adam Corolla. That's Dr. Drew over there. Rob Schneider is our guest. Rob is coming out with his newest movie tomorrow. That would be the 1st of June. That would be Friday. It is called The Animal, and it will be at a theater near you. And here comes Rob now. What did I miss? Nothing. I was just plugging your movie. Any more big boobs? Well, speaking of big boobs, I was gonna mention that next week, Brooke Burke is gonna be here from that Wild On E, and I love her so much.

1:10:34 Rob Schneider God love her.

1:10:35 Adam Do you know her?

1:10:36 Rob Schneider Yes. Hot.

1:10:38 Adam She is so hot.

1:10:39 Rob Schneider That's crazy.

1:10:40 Adam And not fair. I don't get into it. I don't know what it is, but I don't get into too many TV folk. But boy, is she a colossal piece of ass. She is so hot. Do you know her, Drew? Have you seen her?

1:10:51 Drew I don't think so.

1:10:51 Rob Schneider Let's put some pictures in here. Let's put them on the wall.

1:10:53 Adam You never saw that Wild On E? She's the new one to replace Jules Asner. No, you don't watch any of that. Rob, do you know who I'm talking about?

1:11:02 Rob Schneider I've seen her. Who I think it is on E.

1:11:04 Drew Does she cross over to the Discovery Channel or anything? No, she's tan.

1:11:07 Adam She almost looks a little Polynesian or something.

1:11:10 Rob Schneider I never go to clubs and that stuff's happening. How come they have those clubs? Where are those clubs? I don't think they exist. There's a place in Boston. They showed one night in Boston, this crazy club with all these hot babes. I've been to Boston. I've been to clubs in Boston. I didn't see girls rubbing each other's boobs. I don't know. The girls didn't look like that either. It looked more like Miami. They said Boston.

1:11:30 Adam You know what I love about that Wild On is they're down at the Caribbean, they're down at the Sandals Resort. Then they'll go, you know what, we're going to Nova Scotia. You think, all right, there's nothing going on there. Sure enough, more thong backs, more hot tubs.

1:11:45 Rob Schneider I don't get it here.

1:11:46 Adam More togas.

1:11:47 Rob Schneider I just don't buy it. I think they bring their own people.

1:11:50 Adam They must. There's just not that many good-looking people in the world that you could travel around.

1:11:54 Rob Schneider No, exactly.

1:11:55 Adam Tom?

1:11:56 Rob Schneider Yeah.

1:11:57 Adam You're 15?

1:11:58 Rob Schneider I am.

1:11:58 Adam What's up?

1:11:59 Rob Schneider First I want to ask Rob, what part of P-town did you live in?

1:12:03 Rob Schneider Back in the Valley, Park Pacifica. How about you?

1:12:06 Rob Schneider Me? I stayed in Sharp Park for a while.

1:12:07 Rob Schneider Sharp Park. Very cool.

1:12:09 Rob Schneider Everybody back there probably knows me. I was homeless.

1:12:12 Caller I lived in a golf course.

1:12:13 Caller Who cares?

1:12:16 Adam All right. So what's up there, Tom?

1:12:17 Rob Schneider What's up, man?

1:12:18 Drew How did you only be 15? How did you end up homeless?

1:12:20 Rob Schneider Back then, I got kicked out of my mom's house.

1:12:22 Rob Schneider For how long? A couple of days or what?

1:12:24 Rob Schneider For like six months.

1:12:25 Drew How old were you?

1:12:26 Rob Schneider How old was I? 15?

1:12:28 Rob Schneider How did they let you not have a place to live for six months?

1:12:30 Rob Schneider Well, I stayed in a tent. I had a place to live.

1:12:32 Drew What's up with your mom?

1:12:33 Caller With my mom.

1:12:34 Drew You're an addict?

1:12:34 Rob Schneider I was an alcoholic.

1:12:35 Drew Yeah.

1:12:36 Caller I became the addict.

1:12:38 Drew You're an addict. And why?

1:12:39 Rob Schneider Well, not anymore, but I was on crystal meth.

1:12:41 Rob Schneider What were you doing?

1:12:42 Rob Schneider Crystal meth.

1:12:42 Rob Schneider Oof.

1:12:43 Rob Schneider That's a tough one.

1:12:44 Rob Schneider For a while. And so then I stopped doing it right until I got locked up, actually. So I noticed when I was urinating, it would burn, right?

1:12:53 Drew While you were on meth?

1:12:55 Rob Schneider Well, when I was off it.

1:12:56 Drew When you were off it?

1:12:56 Caller Yeah.

1:12:57 Rob Schneider And so I had anorea and all that stuff.

1:13:00 Caller They said I was clean.

1:13:01 Rob Schneider So I was like, okay, that's weird. And then like it went away and it wasn't burning anymore. And so I did a line a couple weeks ago, probably about a month ago, right?

1:13:10 Caller And then it was burning again.

1:13:12 Rob Schneider But then it went away after a week or two.

1:13:14 Drew It's probably some bladder spasm that's developed from the meth.

1:13:18 Adam Are you sucking the line up with your penis?

1:13:21 Rob Schneider No, I've only done a line once.

1:13:23 Rob Schneider Hey, listen, as far as like doing lines, that is the nastiest and grossest drug. And you should, you know, you said you're not an addict, but yet you're 15 and you're still snorting a line occasionally.

1:13:36 Rob Schneider I'm not doing that no more. It's just.

1:13:41 Adam I was about to cuss at him. All right. I put Tom on hold because he said BS twice on the air, and he can't do that. I don't know why, because I sit around and talk about fecal matter and finger banging chicks all night long, but someone says the S word and they're out of luck. But what do you do? Hang up? I just put them on hold. What Anderson do? Get rid of them. Get rid of them. Here's my language. Here's the point. Meth is the worst of all drugs. It really is. Not only is it dangerous to you, it's dangerous to everyone in society, because people get violent on this drug. But it is horribly addictive and it causes people to do things that they would never even dream of doing and they're all violent and they all involve crime. And I couldn't imagine a worse thing to get in. I mean, you'd be better off getting into Santeria at 15 than you would be getting into meth. And I mean no disrespect to Eric Estrada. But it's a horrible, horrible drug. It really is. And I guess the guy's back home, I guess he cleaned up a little bit.

1:14:49 Rob Schneider But he still occasionally dabbles. And dabbles is still a problem.

1:14:53 Drew Yeah, he needs to.

1:14:54 Rob Schneider And you know what you gotta do? You gotta get rid of those friends and not hang out with those people that are doing it. Because if they're doing it, you're gonna eventually do it again.

1:15:00 Drew You gotta get back in the program. I'm sure you've done a little, I hope you've done a little work in the program and you gotta get back to it.

1:15:06 Adam Sonya? Sonya? Caller goes by the name of Sonya.

1:15:11 Drew 18 from San Jose?

1:15:12 Rob Schneider Hello?

1:15:13 Adam Hello?

1:15:14 Rob Schneider Hi Sonya.

1:15:15 Adam Hi. What's up?

1:15:16 Rob Schneider Nothing. What's up San Jose? Nothing.

1:15:20 Drew What's up? Yeah, go ahead.

1:15:21 Rob Schneider You're on the air.

1:15:23 Rob Schneider Oh, really?

1:15:24 Adam Are you high?

1:15:25 Rob Schneider No.

1:15:26 Adam All right, well I'll ask your question then.

1:15:29 Rob Schneider Okay, well, I have never had an orc have one.

1:15:32 Drew And you're 18?

1:15:34 Rob Schneider Huh?

1:15:35 Drew And you're 18? Yeah. You've never had one by yourself?

1:15:39 Rob Schneider Period.

1:15:39 Drew Period, never had one. Not uncommon by 18, by the way.

1:15:42 Rob Schneider Yeah, that's not too weird.

1:15:44 Adam You have a boyfriend?

1:15:45 Rob Schneider Sounds like three and a half years.

1:15:48 Adam Really?

1:15:49 Rob Schneider He's not very good, is he?

1:15:51 Rob Schneider Well, I don't know. It's weird. We do it a lot. I don't think we do it a lot, you know, but we do it maybe like a few times a week. He does it for like a really short amount of time. It's really short, like really short, less than like ten minutes or five minutes even. And he's tired and he can't do it. It's just weeks.

1:16:13 Drew He's not tired. He has some kind of refractory phase where he can't do it. His biology will not allow him to operate for about thirty minutes.

1:16:21 Adam I hope to Christ he's not listening to this show. I really do.

1:16:24 Rob Schneider No, he's sleeping. He's sleeping.

1:16:25 Adam Well, sure, he's tired.

1:16:27 Rob Schneider Sure, right. Well, you gotta get to know your body a little bit better. I would suggest some chronic masturbating yourself.

1:16:34 Adam Yeah, yoga.

1:16:34 Rob Schneider Get to know yourself. Make yourself have a few orgasms and just let him watch you.

1:16:39 Drew I don't think you're into this guy.

1:16:41 Rob Schneider No, I totally am. I totally am.

1:16:43 Rob Schneider Really?

1:16:43 Adam Why?

1:16:46 Rob Schneider He doesn't sound like a winner. He's asleep.

1:16:47 Rob Schneider No, he is.

1:16:48 Rob Schneider He hasn't given you an orgasm for three and a half years.

1:16:50 Drew You feel as though he's a winner. You speak rather disparagingly of him. You've been with him since you were 15. And so often people your age stay in relationships that should have ended after three weeks for four years.

1:17:01 Adam Right.

1:17:02 Drew And when you're 25 and you get involved with the same guy again, the relationship will last a few days and you'll realize it's not going anywhere.

1:17:07 Adam You know, it's funny, at 15 you stay in a relationship. Hold on a second. At 15, you stay in a relationship that should have lasted five weeks for five years. And then when you're 35, you stay in a relationship that should have lasted five years for five weeks.

1:17:21 Rob Schneider Yeah, that's true. That is sick.

1:17:24 Drew Rob's wearing puka shells, you know that?

1:17:25 Adam Yeah. And I think we struck a...

1:17:28 Rob Schneider They're coming back hard, man. Deal with it.

1:17:31 Drew It was difficult for me. I wore them when I was 11.

1:17:34 Adam Sonya?

1:17:35 Rob Schneider Yeah.

1:17:35 Adam All right. So it's going to be... I agree with Rob. It's going to be hard for you to have an orgasm with him until you sort of figure yourself out.

1:17:42 Rob Schneider Wait, but why can't he? Like, why can't...

1:17:45 Rob Schneider Well, you got to do it first. You help him.

1:17:47 Drew Show him. Why can't he what? Why can't he give you one? Yeah. Because you have to know how he... what he needs to do in order to give you one.

1:17:54 Rob Schneider You got to make yourself...

1:17:55 Drew Guys don't magically know that.

1:17:56 Rob Schneider Take your... get some time.

1:17:57 Drew Get...

1:17:57 Rob Schneider feel them frisky. Maybe take a hot bath, light a candle or two. Paint your toenails and, you know, enjoy.

1:18:04 Adam You've been faking it for him, though, haven't you?

1:18:06 Rob Schneider No, I haven't.

1:18:07 Adam Never once?

1:18:08 Rob Schneider Do you ever look at him disappointed and go, that's it?

1:18:11 Caller No, I don't do that.

1:18:12 Rob Schneider All right. try start doing that.

1:18:14 Rob Schneider He's really insecure about it. Right.

1:18:16 Rob Schneider He should be. He's terrible.

1:18:18 Rob Schneider No, but like... I don't know. Like, it's good, you know? It's just like...

1:18:21 Caller it's short.

1:18:22 Rob Schneider All right. All right. You got to give yourself one of your own orgasms for crying.

1:18:25 Adam Hold on. We have to talk about you behind your back. Hold on a second. First off, it's funny because she's angry at him.

1:18:31 Drew Yeah.

1:18:32 Adam Because it peeks through every once in a while, like you go.

1:18:34 Drew It's really good. Yeah.

1:18:35 Adam It's really good.

1:18:36 Rob Schneider But.

1:18:37 Adam But it sucks, but it's great, but it lasts a real short time, but I love him, but it's great, but he's tired.

1:18:45 Drew Yeah.

1:18:45 Rob Schneider Yeah.

1:18:46 Drew Ambivalent.

1:18:46 Adam All over the place. Now, if you ask her what's up with the sex, she says it's bad, but if you say maybe you should break up, then it turns into great and then he's a great guy. But meanwhile, you can hear every once in a while a little spike escape, which is she's angry at the guy.

1:19:02 Drew She's bored.

1:19:03 Rob Schneider She's bored.

1:19:04 Drew This isn't what she thinks it is.

1:19:05 Rob Schneider You know what I think? You're going to have an orgasm if you get out of this relationship.

1:19:09 Rob Schneider First of all?

1:19:10 Rob Schneider Get out of this relationship, get a new guy, and you're going to have an orgasm a day. What? Stop.

1:19:15 Rob Schneider First of all, it's not like that. You guys totally overanalyze things. It's just so not like that.

1:19:21 Rob Schneider Okay. What is it like then?

1:19:23 Rob Schneider I'm not angry at him. I'm just wondering why. That's not the only part of a relationship. Like we're so close in every other way. Okay.

1:19:32 Rob Schneider Denial.

1:19:33 Adam Does he perform oral sex on you?

1:19:35 Rob Schneider Uh-huh.

1:19:36 Adam He does.

1:19:37 Rob Schneider How long?

1:19:39 Rob Schneider I don't know. Like he's only done it like maybe like four or five times.

1:19:44 Rob Schneider Four or five times in three and a half years. You got a real winner there.

1:19:46 Adam Well, please. It's once every 10 months. I mean, give him a break. Do the math. It's not so bad.

1:19:51 Rob Schneider Okay. I take it back. He's very caring.

1:19:53 Adam Why doesn't he do that more? Do you enjoy that?

1:19:56 Rob Schneider I don't know. I do, but I mean, I guess he doesn't like it.

1:20:00 Rob Schneider You know, you got to find out what you like, all right?

1:20:02 Drew Sonia, Sonia, Sonia.

1:20:03 Adam But listen to Sonia, everybody.

1:20:05 Drew She doesn't hear it.

1:20:05 Adam Does he perform oral sex? Oh, yeah. Well, how often? Four times in the last three and a half years. Yeah. Well, do you like it? Yeah. Well, I guess he doesn't like to do it. I mean, every time you give a report on this guy's sex, it's horrible.

1:20:20 Drew His report card is a D or F every time.

1:20:22 Rob Schneider You start going with another guy and you're going to see a difference. You know, at least in the first few weeks.

1:20:26 Rob Schneider Yeah.

1:20:27 Adam Why are you so defensive about this guy?

1:20:30 Rob Schneider Because he's amazing.

1:20:32 Rob Schneider In what way? He has not really demonstrated that so far.

1:20:36 Rob Schneider It doesn't only have to be one way.

1:20:38 Adam You're the one who called with complaints.

1:20:40 Drew You haven't told us one thing yet that shows us that he's amazing. What is, give us something else.

1:20:44 Rob Schneider What's amazing? Is he sleep amazing?

1:20:46 Adam Yeah.

1:20:46 Rob Schneider He has a really cute fetal position.

1:20:48 Adam It's the way he drools and rolls over.

1:20:50 Rob Schneider He is just amazing how he never makes me have an orgasm. It's incredible how he goes down on me every other year.

1:20:57 Drew How is he amazing?

1:20:59 Rob Schneider I was 15 years old. I mean, we didn't do anything until...

1:21:01 Drew How is he amazing?

1:21:03 Rob Schneider He just is.

1:21:05 Adam Oh, no.

1:21:05 Rob Schneider You know what?

1:21:06 Drew Stay in it.

1:21:07 Rob Schneider You sound like you're very happy. I hope everything works out.

1:21:11 Adam Let me tell you what else is going on here.

1:21:12 Rob Schneider You can club him with a baseball bat.

1:21:13 Adam She lost her virginity to him. And a lot of women think they need to really make a go at the guy they lost their virginity to.

1:21:22 Rob Schneider And he's basically over the relationship.

1:21:25 Drew Who knows? We don't know anything about him. We have no sense of who that kid is.

1:21:28 Rob Schneider I think he's over it.

1:21:29 Drew I don't know how old he is.

1:21:30 Adam I see him as a... Forty. Just Rip Van Winkle. Just a huge beard and propped up against the side of an apple tree asleep all day.

1:21:38 Rob Schneider Amazing. He does kind of lingers for up to 30 seconds a shot. I'm just sleeping. I'm going back to bed.

1:21:49 Drew I'm very tired.

1:21:50 Adam Yeah.

1:21:51 Caller Wow.

1:21:53 Adam And a guy who goes down on her every six months? Stupendous. Amy?

1:21:59 Rob Schneider Yeah?

1:21:59 Adam You're 13. What's up?

1:22:01 Rob Schneider Well, every guy I've ever dated, like, throughout this, like, past couple of years, whenever I start getting interesting guys...

1:22:10 Rob Schneider Past couple of years? I mean, when you were 11?

1:22:12 Rob Schneider Yeah.

1:22:12 Rob Schneider Alright, what?

1:22:13 Rob Schneider Follow me.

1:22:14 Adam Alright, go ahead.

1:22:16 Rob Schneider Call me every day, constantly talk to me. My best friend's boyfriend, who I went out with last year, still hits on me.

1:22:24 Drew Geez, this is the... I got a big problem.

1:22:25 Rob Schneider And I don't like it.

1:22:26 Drew This is the girl's version of that.

1:22:28 Adam Alright, you're hot. Big deal.

1:22:30 Rob Schneider No, I'm not.

1:22:31 Adam You're not?

1:22:32 Rob Schneider No.

1:22:33 Adam Why? You're not good looking?

1:22:34 Rob Schneider Well, I don't think I am.

1:22:36 Adam Well, I know, but that's something that good looking people say, so we tolerate them.

1:22:43 Rob Schneider Lots of people tell you you have a problem.

1:22:44 Drew Lots of people tell you what?

1:22:45 Rob Schneider Lots of people tell me I'm not.

1:22:47 Adam Oh, they do?

1:22:47 Rob Schneider Yeah.

1:22:48 Adam Alright, good. Why are all these guys chasing you around, then?

1:22:52 Rob Schneider I do not know.

1:22:53 Drew What, you ask them?

1:22:54 Rob Schneider You ask them?

1:22:57 Rob Schneider Yeah, but they don't give me an answer.

1:22:58 Drew Why not?

1:22:59 Rob Schneider They say that you're my friend.

1:23:01 Adam Okay, do you have a boyfriend right now?

1:23:03 Rob Schneider Yes, I do.

1:23:04 Adam How's that going? Fine.

1:23:06 Caller He's sweet.

1:23:07 Rob Schneider Gives me lots of gifts.

1:23:09 Adam How old is he?

1:23:10 Drew Oh, wait a minute here. This is a...

1:23:12 Adam Yeah. I see a guy with an Italian horn, medallion, and a pinky ring.

1:23:17 Caller I'm not going to buy yourself anything tonight, darlin.

1:23:19 Rob Schneider No, he's not.

1:23:20 Drew How old is he?

1:23:21 Rob Schneider He's my age.

1:23:23 Drew Did you hear that?

1:23:24 Adam She's a little angry today. What's up, baby?

1:23:27 Drew Whoa, Amy.

1:23:28 Adam Where's daddy?

1:23:29 Rob Schneider Which one?

1:23:31 Adam The one you hate the least.

1:23:33 Rob Schneider The one I hate the least? He's... I think he's asleep right now.

1:23:39 Drew How about the one you hate the most? Where is he?

1:23:41 Rob Schneider Idaho.

1:23:41 Drew What did he do to you?

1:23:43 Rob Schneider He just was not a very good father.

1:23:45 Drew What did he do?

1:23:46 Rob Schneider He was abusive and he yelled a lot and they fought a lot when I was young.

1:23:51 Drew Do you figure all men are like that? No.

1:23:54 Adam How's your stepdad doing?

1:23:55 Rob Schneider Oh, he's great. He's been my dad since I was like six. And he's like my best friend. That's great.

1:24:03 Adam All right.

1:24:04 Drew Does he follow you around a lot?

1:24:05 Rob Schneider Him? No.

1:24:06 Adam And real dad, biological dad, do you have any contact with him?

1:24:10 Rob Schneider The last time I talked to him was two months, no, three months ago when I asked him to call me back as soon as he had a chance.

1:24:17 Adam And that was three months ago?

1:24:18 Rob Schneider Yeah.

1:24:19 Adam Well, maybe he's still fixing that training on the car he's working on or something. So you're okay. So, Amy.

1:24:26 Drew All guys are not your dad.

1:24:27 Adam Here's the deal. You got energy and you're 13. Don't be in such a rush to grow up. And yes, go ahead, Drew.

1:24:39 Drew This is hatred. You can feel it when you start talking about it.

1:24:42 Adam I've said this a thousand times on this show, Rob. Guys aren't affected that greatly by their parents.

1:24:50 Drew By their mom.

1:24:51 Adam By their mom. But your daughter, you can screw her up for the rest of your life if you just work on her for a very short period of time between the age of two and six. You can ruin her life and every man she's with from that point on. And this young Vanessa here, 13 years old, and men stand for everything but what they should stand for in her life. She's got a ton of energy.

1:25:18 Rob Schneider Maybe this relationship with her stepfather could help heal some of that. She does love a man.

1:25:24 Drew Possibly, but I think he's like a pet. He's a friend. He's okay.

1:25:30 Adam Hey, Vanessa, can you just kind of take it slow with guys and keep your eyes open and think about how they make you feel and where those feelings are coming from and maybe that some of those feelings are feelings that your dad may have left behind?

1:25:48 Rob Schneider No, that's not me. That's the other girl.

1:25:49 Adam Oh, wait a minute. Who are we just talking to? Oh, we're talking to Amy. We've got so many 13-year-olds on the show. Hey, Amy, can you do what I just told that other girl to do?

1:26:00 Rob Schneider I have another question.

1:26:01 Rob Schneider Okay, here it comes.

1:26:05 Rob Schneider I, when I was younger, had scoliosis and every woman in my family is basically pretty big, busted wife, and I'm a double D40.

1:26:15 Rob Schneider There you go. Hence the following. Hence the following around, yeah.

1:26:19 Drew Yeah, hence the boys following her around. Hence the appropriate hatred for men.

1:26:23 Adam Right.

1:26:25 Rob Schneider Go ahead.

1:26:27 Rob Schneider Anyway, and I was wondering if maybe, like, when I'm a little older, if my back pain continues, should I get a reduction?

1:26:33 Rob Schneider Wait a minute. You're way too young to be going down that.

1:26:36 Drew But it's a reasonable question, and when you're older, if yes, you are having a lot of back, you know, deep brostept grooves, neck shoulder pain. I like Rob's idea of exercise and yoga. But if all that fails, then certainly that is a clear indication for breast reduction.

1:26:49 Rob Schneider I would now recommend weights. I would recommend aerobics. I think if, how much do you weigh?

1:26:53 Rob Schneider I weigh 138.

1:26:55 Rob Schneider How tall are you?

1:26:56 Rob Schneider I am five, seven and a half.

1:26:57 Rob Schneider Okay. Well, you're pretty normal. But I think that you could drop.

1:27:00 Adam Wait, what's the bra size again?

1:27:03 Caller Double D, 40.

1:27:05 Rob Schneider Okay.

1:27:05 Adam I think I'm not going to feel good about myself when I get home.

1:27:07 Rob Schneider But you could lose a few pounds exercising. You are not abnormal weight. But I think you could exercise. I think you could do some yoga. I don't think weights, you know, you sound like you're normal height.

1:27:18 Drew Yeah.

1:27:19 Adam We've got to take a break. I have a lot of thoughts that I have to share with you after this.

1:27:24 Caller Okay.

1:27:53 Rob Schneider Hi, this is Rodney Dangerfield.

1:27:55 Caller I'll tell you, the guys here at Loveline are the greatest. They're the best, the best in the whole world.

1:27:59 Caller Now, will you please untie me?

1:28:02 Adam Yep, it is Loveline. I'm Adam Carolla, and that is Rob Schneider in the background there. The movie, The Animal, coming out tomorrow. Everybody, and I suggest that you all go out and see it. Rob's a friend of the show, and we always support our friends. Thank you. Let's hop back to the phones and speak to Tiffany, who's 19, Tiffany.

1:28:25 Caller My question is, okay, I'm 19 and I've been out of high school for a year, and I've been single ever since I've gotten out of high school, and I cannot find any guy that's even worth dating.

1:28:36 Drew Are you working?

1:28:37 Caller Yeah, I'm working and going to school.

1:28:39 Caller Where do you work?

1:28:41 Caller I work in a hospital. I'm not going to say where.

1:28:44 Drew What kind of work do you do?

1:28:45 Caller I'm a pharmacy technician.

1:28:46 Rob Schneider Cool.

1:28:48 Adam Any guys you work with?

1:28:50 Caller No, they're too old for me because I'm kind of young to be a pharmacy technician.

1:28:54 Rob Schneider Well, you know what? Do you have any social activities that would put you in a position where there's some desirable guys?

1:29:02 Caller School is probably the only one. The problem is I've been dating old friends from high school and stuff and a lot of them are a bunch of druggies and because of my job I don't want to be around that.

1:29:12 Rob Schneider Sounds like a good idea to not be around that.

1:29:13 Drew What kind of school are you going to now?

1:29:15 Caller I go to community college. I'm trying to transfer to university.

1:29:18 Rob Schneider Which one?

1:29:19 Caller San Jose State.

1:29:21 Caller I'm trying to go to U of A because they offer a pharmacy program there.

1:29:24 Drew It seems like that's what you need to get going on because U of A is a huge school and you'll meet a lot of people there. They have a wholly different life for you.

1:29:30 Adam What year of the pharmacy program do they start teaching you that funky language with the accent where you can't understand people? No, not Latin. It's what I like to call Johnny Quest villain nationality. You can't quite put your finger on it. You know it's not one of the good ones. You just have difficulty understanding the pharmacist. Is that in year three? I'm not sure. When do they start training with that group?

1:29:54 Drew They perfect it in the clinical years.

1:29:55 Caller I never went to a pharmacy school.

1:29:57 Adam You get in line.

1:29:58 Caller Yeah, I got lucky.

1:30:00 Adam You get in line, round eye. All right. Tiffany.

1:30:04 Rob Schneider I cannot help you.

1:30:06 Caller The other thing is-

1:30:07 Adam You sound delightful. I don't know.

1:30:09 Drew You're going to be fine.

1:30:10 Rob Schneider You're going to be. There's guys out there. You're also being picky right now, aren't you?

1:30:14 Caller What? I have a problem because I started having sex at a young age, and whoever I date now, it always seems like it has to become into a sexual relationship.

1:30:24 Drew That's where the guys wanted to go.

1:30:26 Rob Schneider It's up to the girl to stop and lead the relationship.

1:30:29 Drew Yeah. You have all the power. Yeah. You don't understand this. Don't give it up. But you've got the power. You hold the cards.

1:30:35 Rob Schneider It's up to you.

1:30:37 Drew How old were you when you started having sex?

1:30:40 Rob Schneider Were you a relative?

1:30:42 Caller I was raped when I was 12. My self-esteem went way down. I just let anything happen.

1:30:47 Adam Who did that to you?

1:30:49 Caller It was an older guy. It was at a friend's house. We had a party. A bunch of guys came over.

1:30:55 Drew You were never sexually abused or tortured beforehand?

1:30:57 Adam No. Did you ever prosecute the guy?

1:31:01 Caller My parents didn't believe me.

1:31:04 Rob Schneider There were some issues then with your parents.

1:31:06 Drew Let's just think.

1:31:07 Adam How does that work, by the way?

1:31:08 Drew When your child comes over and says, I was raped, on what planet do parents go, hey, you're lying? As opposed to going, oh, my God, let's go get our exam. Let's go get this guy. That's abuse. Yeah. It's bizarre. So your parents already had some stuff going on here. That may have been why you were victimized.

1:31:23 Rob Schneider Yeah. How's your relationship with your parents now? Do you have any contact with them? Yeah.

1:31:28 Caller I live with them. But it's hard at times. Actually, me and my sister got in a big fight a month ago, and I got sent to jail because of it. And my parents didn't even come and get me.

1:31:38 Rob Schneider You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking you got to get out and get a student loan. You got good grades?

1:31:42 Caller They're OK.

1:31:43 Rob Schneider Listen, seriously, what's your name?

1:31:45 Drew Tiffany.

1:31:46 Rob Schneider Tiffany? Get out of that. You sound like a pretty together girl, honestly.

1:31:51 Caller I tried.

1:31:52 Drew And don't get into any alternative means of making money to pay for school. She's got the name, you know, the stripper name.

1:31:58 Rob Schneider Yeah, the no sex kind of thing. I think you got to get out of that unhealthy home and get into school, because you like school, right?

1:32:08 Drew Yeah, she does.

1:32:08 Rob Schneider Well, then great. Keep the whole school thing going. And get a student loan, get a good job where it's a positive, not a stripper thing, a good job. And then you'll meet guys and you sound like you're going to be fine, but get out of that home.

1:32:23 Adam And ultimately, her revenge will come later in life when one of her parents gets cancer and she refuses to believe the parent. That, she denies them that.

1:32:31 Rob Schneider That's what she should do.

1:32:32 Adam That's what I'm going to do with my folks. We'll be back. All right, well, that's it with the show, everyone. I want to thank a few people before we sign off. First, phone screener Tara, don't call me Tara, who did a wonderful job all week. Damian, who does a wonderful job on the phones as well. Engineer Anderson, first sliding those potentiometers and dropping in those drops.

1:33:24 Drew Oh, he's also going to need to put on your mic.

1:33:26 Adam He's a magician, except for the part about turning on the guest's god damn mic.

1:33:30 Rob Schneider No, that's just a way of critiquing my evening.

1:33:32 I'm trying to do my best here under really difficult circumstances.

1:33:36 Adam Producer Ann for putting her feminine stink on the show. And booking big time guys like Rob Schneider, whose movie comes out tomorrow, Friday.

1:33:48 Rob Schneider Thank you.

1:33:49 Adam Everyone, June 1st.

1:33:50 Rob Schneider I'll know my future by this time tomorrow night.

1:33:52 Adam The Animal. Everyone go out and see it. And Rob, thanks a lot.

1:33:56 Rob Schneider Hey, Adam, that one call was right. You're a genius. I enjoy you. You make me laugh every time.

1:34:01 Adam Thank you very much.

1:34:02 Rob Schneider Dr. Drew, you scare me because everything you say is right.

1:34:05 Adam So until next time, Sam Krover, Dr. Drew saying Mahalo. You get in line, round eye.

1:34:10 Rob Schneider This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors or this station. The producer for Loveline is Ann Wilkins Engel. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Thursday, May 31, 2001