Episode 1000754887096

0:54 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience. Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content. Listener discretion is advised.

1:03 Voiceover Adam Corolla, Dr. Drew.

1:05 Voiceover I'm not modeling anymore for the two of you.

1:07 Voiceover Loveline.

1:08 Adam This is the best of Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Drew. Dr. Drew is a board-certified physician, an addiction medicine specialist. From 311, Nick Hexham comes by, and well, he'll tell you the rest. Nick Hexham is here from 311. There you go. Nick and his mates, the rest of 311, have themselves, let's see, who's the summer tour with? Incubus. And, oh, Jesus, Japan. Wow. We don't have any listeners who are currently in Japan, do we, Drew?

1:45 Drew No, right, Nick. Back to this moment.

1:46 Adam So I'm not going to plug that too much, but I will give you some dates where, where Nick 311 and Incubus are going to be later on. And I guess, I was telling Drew, I haven't seen you guys in four years last night, but then he said six months and I went, all right, yeah, it sounds about, it was right after the Acoustic Christmas, right?

2:08 Best Of Yeah, I believe it was right around then.

2:10 Adam All right. Do you remember what we talked about?

2:13 Best Of Yeah. You want a rundown?

2:17 Adam Well, we're probably talking about the upcoming tour that you just finished, right?

2:25 Best Of I don't know, I think we got our dates a little mixed up, really. I mean, why would I have done it after the tour and after the...

2:31 Adam No, it was the spring tour. Yeah. Yeah, you were...

2:36 Drew Talking about what was gonna happen, but it has just been concluded.

2:39 Best Of Yeah.

2:39 Adam Right, right. All right, we're off to kind of a rocky start here, Drew. But I think we're gonna bounce back.

2:45 Drew I blame you.

2:46 Adam I blame you too, yeah. Soundsystem's the name of the CD that's currently out, by the way. We'll take some phone calls and play the rest by ear. What do you say?

2:57 Best Of Sounds good to me.

2:59 Adam John?

3:00 Hello?

3:00 Adam You're 13?

3:02 Caller Yeah.

3:02 Adam Yeah.

3:03 Caller I just wanna say that, like, you are awesome.

3:06 Adam Me?

3:07 Caller Yeah, you.

3:07 Adam All right.

3:08 Caller You're like the funniest man alive.

3:09 Adam Well, that's true.

3:10 Caller Yeah.

3:12 Caller When I masturbate, or I guess jack off, I use shampoo as lubricant.

3:18 Drew You know the difference between masturbating and jack off?

3:21 Caller I don't know.

3:22 Caller I always thought masturbating meant, like, to play with it, and jack off was like, you know, go up and down.

3:27 Adam No. No. You know what the difference between masturbation and jacking off is?

3:31 Drew You never use the term jacking off at the age of about 15.

3:33 Adam It is the, I do, but it's the same difference as the difference between a sofa and a couch, which is nothing.

3:42 Drew No difference, John.

3:43 Adam There you go. All right, John, you use a shampoo. Yeah. And how many times have you heard me on the air warn kids about using shampoo for lubricant?

3:52 Drew Who has a PSA in this?

3:54 Adam There really is. Yeah, I hope you didn't use Prowl. I made that mistake once as a youth.

4:01 Caller I don't even know what kind I use. I just kind of use it.

4:03 Adam All right. So?

4:04 Caller So like after I do this, about a few days after I use it, well, first of all, it starts to sting. And then like the skin just starts peeling off.

4:12 Adam Yeah. Well, you got to use more. You're not using enough, obviously. But even though your penis is peeling, do you find that your pubic hair is healthy, bouncy, and manageable?

4:23 Caller It like starts to itch.

4:25 Adam Oh, I see. Starts to itch. Yeah. Okay.

4:28 Best Of Try cream rinse. Try the conditioner instead. It's much smoother.

4:32 Drew You're just causing a dermatitis irritation.

4:33 Adam It has balsam and emollients. All right? All right.

4:37 Drew Yeah. It's not a big deal, but you could cause a burn basically.

4:41 Adam Hey, Nick, just because we're not going to be there to watch over you in the future. You put the shampoo on your penis, you had some chafing, some burning, and some itching. Then you went right back to the well. That doesn't sound like a great plan. John, you know what I'm saying?

5:00 Drew You're not following.

5:02 Adam John?

5:03 Drew Hello?

5:03 Adam John, if you put...

5:04 Best Of See, you said Nick.

5:05 Adam Oh, I'm sorry, John.

5:06 Best Of Sorry, Nick. I'm cool on that, thanks anyway.

5:08 Adam You worked that out many years ago. John?

5:11 Caller Yeah?

5:12 Adam If you put something on your penis that burns it, don't put it on anymore.

5:17 Caller All right.

5:17 Adam All right.

5:18 Drew Rest your life. Now on.

5:19 Adam You know those skateboarding helmets, John?

5:22 Caller Yeah.

5:23 Adam I like to see you wearing one all the time. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. You never play it too safe. You know, you go under the sink to get something, your mom calls you, you get up real quick and you whack your head on a pipe or something. It can be very dangerous. All right. Charlotte.

5:40 Hi.

5:41 Adam Hey, you're 16. What's up?

5:43 Caller Hi. I wanted to say hi to Nick. Hi. Hi. I'm like so in love with you. I've been in love with you since like sixth grade. I was going through like serious depression and my friend sold me your blue CD and I love it. It inspired me. It like cheered me up and I now play guitar and I started my own.

6:01 Best Of Awesome.

6:02 Caller And you guys are like big influence in life.

6:05 Best Of I'm really, really glad to hear that. Are you feeling better these days?

6:09 Caller Yes, I am. I'm very happy.

6:10 Drew Wow. Good.

6:11 Caller Not recently, I've had two boyfriends tell me because I wouldn't tell them I loved them because I loved you.

6:16 Best Of Oh, you don't actually love me like that. Like you could love a boyfriend because we haven't met.

6:23 Caller I know, but still, it's just, I don't know, it's a stupid infatuation or just...

6:28 Best Of That's really sweet though.

6:30 Drew It's not a stupid infatuation. It's okay to have infatuations, but to the extent that they sort of derail you from a real life, it can get in the way a little bit.

6:38 Adam Yeah.

6:39 Best Of You sound really young, right? How old are you?

6:40 Drew Sixteen.

6:41 Caller Sixteen.

6:42 Adam Hey, listen, Charlotte, I was talking about this last night. Just go ahead and say I love you. It's easy. I mean, you know, it's really weird though. Like when you're younger, you think like you have one, maybe two you can use up in a lifetime. Remember, it's like you're 19, you're with some chick, it's been six months, you're getting it on, you just finished, you're mopping off and she's like, I love you and you're like, and it's like, hey, you're monogamous, you're with her, you guys are thinking about moving in. But what do you do? You don't say it, you screw yourself over. Someone should just say, hey, hey, hole, you could say it twice in your life, you could say it 250 times, it doesn't matter, so it'll make it easier on you.

7:23 Drew How much idealization of fantasy and people sticking to those relationships. Like, well, the perfect one's gonna come and that's what I'm saving it for.

7:30 Adam And maybe you're right, but just say you love them anyway and save yourself some hassle.

7:34 Best Of No, but Charlotte, on the other hand, that's pretty commendable that you were honest with them and didn't kind of bow down to the pressures.

7:40 Drew And that's an interesting point. Sometimes these fantasy relationships with sort of media objects keep you out of relationships you're really not ready for.

7:47 Adam Right. Oh, like Nick. That's right. Nick, the media object. Nick? Not that Nick. Caller Nick.

7:56 Yes, that's the caller Nick.

7:57 Adam I'm going to call you Nicholas.

7:59 All right.

8:00 Adam All right, Nicholas, you're 20 years old. What's up?

8:02 Caller Well, my girlfriend's got vaginal secretions that are coming out that smell. And we've been together for five years.

8:10 Adam But it makes her easy to find, right?

8:13 Caller Oh, yeah.

8:13 Adam When you're at the mall and stuff.

8:16 Caller Well, yeah, but I just...

8:17 Adam Yeah, I think she's in the B Dalton. Yeah. And then the guy at the counter is going, Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, she's back there.

8:24 Caller It's beginning to be a problem, though. I mean, I'm afraid to like talk to her because I don't, you know, I don't want to embarrass her because like sometimes we'll wake up in the morning and like the bed will be kind of wet. And it's not, she didn't wet the bed. It's just that it's the secretions. And I just don't, you know, I don't know if I should, you know, confront her because I don't want to feel embarrassed about it that, you know, I've.

8:42 Drew Why confront? Why not just say, hey, I noticed this. Why don't have a doctor check it out? It can be a sign of a vaginal infection.

8:49 Caller Well, that's the thing is I'm worried. And I mean, if I'm because I mean, I have sex with her and you know what? I don't want to.

8:55 Drew Why don't you take that caring perspective that you want to get this looked into. And maybe it's just her. Some women just do that.

9:00 Caller Oh, yeah. And see, I mean, I proposed to her like a week ago. And so, you know, this is a nice follow up discussion.

9:06 Drew What's that? It's a nice follow up discussion. Honey, what should we have for the flowers of photography?

9:11 Adam And yeah, by the way, you're leaking. Your soul's coming out your vagina. Yeah.

9:16 Caller And it smells. And I mean, the only time it must have been rough.

9:19 Adam Did you get down on one knee when you proposed?

9:22 Caller Yeah.

9:22 Adam Yeah. Could have knocked you out.

9:24 Caller In Fort Collins, in a restaurant, I proposed to her, you know, and no big deal. But I mean, I just, I don't know if I should do something, you know, if I should just confront her, tell her, like, hey, go to a doctor, you know, you smell.

9:36 Best Of Yeah, it's not gonna be easy.

9:37 Drew It's not gonna be easy, but don't confront, let her know that you were concerned.

9:40 Adam Why not have an intervention?

9:42 Drew Yeah.

9:43 Adam Your crotch smells intervention.

9:44 Drew Make sure you get an employer and-

9:45 Adam Faculty, yeah, like our old gym coach, English professor, people like that. People she knows, people she'd be embarrassed in front of.

9:52 Caller Well, see, the thing is, I mean, I've gone down on her before and it doesn't, it doesn't smell then. You know, it doesn't.

9:58 Adam Because you're in the eye of the hurricane, there's a certain calm. You know what I mean? It's like, I get the feeling, I think, tell me if I'm wrong here, Drew, but you know, you walk in when someone's crapped up the bathroom, you open the door, that's the worst place you're going to be. But if you actually stuff your head into the toilet, I don't believe it's as bad as when you just open the door. Now, I'm not suggesting you stuff your head into the toilet, but you know what I mean? Sometimes you can actually push past it and get to the other side of it.

10:25 Drew Just prove positive of the second love, thermodynamics.

10:28 Adam There you go. Michelle?

10:31 Caller Oh, hi.

10:32 Adam Hey, you're 21.

10:33 Caller Oh, my God. I can't believe Kate and Nick. I love you. Oh, well, I don't. I mean, I love... I idol you. I envy you.

10:40 Best Of Thank you. That's really sweet.

10:41 Caller You are the sexiest man alive.

10:44 Adam He is hot.

10:46 Caller He is.

10:47 I just saw you play...

10:49 Caller I just saw you play Saltare, and that was a way good show.

10:52 Best Of Saltake City.

10:53 Caller Yeah.

10:54 Oh, my God.

10:54 Best Of I had fun that night. Great crowds there all the time.

10:57 Caller Oh, my gosh. Okay. I can't believe I'm talking to you.

11:01 Caller Oh, honey.

11:03 Caller This is incredible.

11:03 Best Of Well, we're really not talking. What do we want to talk about?

11:05 Caller Okay. Well... Well, it just made me mad, because I heard all this stuff about, you know, all those rumors about your name being KKK. This is all that stuff. I just... I just thought you should get a chance to stay out there. That's not true, because...

11:22 Best Of That's a good idea.

11:23 Adam Hold on. Pull the hood off.

11:24 Best Of You can't...

11:25 Adam It's getting in the way of my...

11:27 Best Of No. That is a... It's a good point that we really are kind of looking for opportunities to say how we feel about that whole issue. And it's ironic that a band that has always been outspoken about unity from different walks of life and being tolerant and being accepting would happen to be the band that gets this racist rumor put on us. People think that our name stands for KKK. You know about this? No.

11:59 Adam I've heard about this. Yeah. And somebody did the math. Some kind of math. But how's the math work?

12:05 Best Of No. It's just that the 11th letter is K. There. That's the math. 311, 3K. So it was just an unfortunate coincidence. But we take out a... To kind of let people know how we really feel about these things, we take out a representative from the Museum of Tolerance here in LA.

12:24 Adam Oh, I hate that place. Why? Just a little joke. Oh. It's the Museum of Tolerance, Drew.

12:29 Drew Okay.

12:30 Caller I can't stand it.

12:32 Oh, no.

12:33 Best Of No. It's a really great organization and he passes out literature and sells shirts and stuff just to raise awareness about being more accepting and what constitutes a bigot. And we try and do things in our career that make it so we're not just a business, we're doing things that make us feel like we're making a little bit of a difference.

12:54 Drew What does 311 stand for?

12:55 Best Of It was the police code for indecent exposure in Omaha where we grew up and one of our friends got arrested for it and was brought home to his mom in handcuffs naked. And it was just a funny little story because the police code on the ticket, the number for the crime was 311.

13:14 Adam It also means Satan's minion. Yeah, the Museum of Tolerance is the exit we get off. That's how I know when I'm, when I pass it. That's our exit. Every night I get off the 10 freeway right at the Museum of Tolerance. I keep meaning to go by there, but I can't figure out what's in it for me. I mean, I'm sure I'd learn something, but it just doesn't sound fun. I want to go by that automotive. Is there an automotive Museum of Tolerance? If you could combine something that was exciting with something that was educational, I'd be there. That's the problem with museums. It's all education and no excitement. All right. Plus, I think it's like eight bucks to get in that place. It's not cheap for tolerance. All right. Shelly.

13:59 Yeah.

14:00 Adam You're 18?

14:01 Caller Yes, I am.

14:02 Adam What's up?

14:03 Caller First, I want to say hi to Nick. Hi there, Shelly. You guys are great. Thank you. One thing I just want to let you know, what you probably do already know, is that you have brought a lot of people together from all over the United States. I have friends in Ohio named Angela, and I have a friend in Mark in LA, and you guys have done great. You're very proud of yourself.

14:22 Best Of That's awesome. That's really cool.

14:23 Caller And even if you do break up, you guys will live on forever.

14:26 Best Of Well, we're not breaking up, so but thank you. Yeah, that's really nice to hear.

14:31 Caller It's the future, I suppose.

14:32 Adam Shelly, what's up? Speaking of breaking up, what's up with your line? Is that you?

14:36 Caller My line?

14:37 Drew Your phone line.

14:37 Adam Yeah, it sounds a little crackly.

14:39 Caller It could be. I'm on a cell phone.

14:40 Adam All right. Well, hold on a second. Let's see if I can read her question and put her on hold so we don't have to hear that. Best friend's boyfriend flirts with her and touches her breasts. Let's see how to tell the friend. Should she really tell the friend or should she just tell the guy?

14:56 Drew We'll never be alone with the guy. I'd tell the guy in no uncertain terms that she won't tolerate this and that she would tell the friend. But I think the friend needs to be put on notice by somebody. What kind of guy she's dating?

15:08 Adam Let me just see if that phone line's cleared up. Shelly? Yeah. What do you mean he touches your breast?

15:13 Caller Okay. Well, I mean, it's a long story, but to make a long story short, my friend was going out with him for about a year and a half, and one night, we're all partying in my brother's room, and he was so flirty.

15:23 Caller Yeah.

15:24 Caller Then at the end of the night, it came down and she was gone, and somehow it ended up that I was on the bed with him, and all of a sudden, his hand ended up my shirt, and I froze. I mean, I know you've heard this before. I froze. I didn't know how to get out of it. So thank God, he had to go to the bathroom. He was living in my house. He was my roommate.

15:41 Best Of What?

15:42 Caller Yeah, he was my roommate.

15:42 Best Of Somehow his hand just wound up there. Exactly.

15:46 Adam You guys wound up on the bed together, and he had to take a leak, which is a weird-

15:52 Drew Code for something.

15:53 Adam Yeah.

15:53 Caller What's his words is that my brother and him were sharing the same room and my brother was on the other bed, but the music was loud so my brother couldn't hear.

16:01 Adam Hear him put his hand up your top or hear him take a leak?

16:04 Caller No. He put his hand up my shirt, and then two minutes after that, he's like all the way back out of the bathroom. I'm like, thank god. So he went to the bathroom.

16:12 Best Of Was he just sitting there for two minutes?

16:14 Caller No. He went in, did his stuff, and came right back out. And I met him at the door going back inside the house. And I said, I'm going to bed. I'm kind of tired. And he's like, OK. And he tried to kiss me. And I turned my cheek, and he kissed me on my cheek instead.

16:27 Adam Did he go to the bathroom outside the house?

16:30 Caller Oh, good question. I don't know. I don't think so.

16:32 Adam I said you met him at the door coming back in the house.

16:34 Caller My brother.

16:35 Adam Hey, Shelly? Let me tell you something. Too many of you screwballs under one roof. Well, sorry. It's a recipe for disaster. It really is. This happens all the time. You got the brother. You got the roommate. You got the sister. Yeah. Well, listen, everybody. Let me take just a second and talk to people who are poor, because I was poor my entire life. And I'm not talking about 19 or 20. I was piss-poor until 30, 31. Now, I'm a millionaire. Literally. Literally a millionaire. But the point is, is I was poor for a long time. And here's the thing about poor people. It's not that you don't have any money. It's you have a little bit of money. And you have to pick and choose where you spend that money. And let me give you a couple of tips. First and foremost, your phone. I always had a bunch of roommates, but I always had my own phone. And I was always pissed poor. But for 12 bucks a month, you get that Lifeline thing, it is the best thing you're ever going to do. It really is. I was always signed up for that loser discount. Hey, this guy, this guy hasn't quite finished high school discount they had. But really, you got to pay your own phone bill anyway. Drew, it's so rude of you to check your watch when I'm in the middle of a rant.

17:54 Best Of You see how this comes into play about the boob grabbing, right?

17:57 Adam Yes, I'm going to get around to that. It is the same with your accommodations. Get a roommate, get a girl you can trust, move into a one-bedroom apartment. One of you sleeps on the fold-out sofa in the living room. The other one gets the bedroom. You switch off whatever, 500 bucks a month. You each pay 250. You can afford it. Believe me, don't live like animals with five serial rapists and some guy who calls himself your uncle in the same place while someone's cooking up meth in the garage because you save 27 bucks a month. Meanwhile, the place is being raided by the SWAT team every other week. You know what I mean? You got enough money, you can get your own ass together. All right. Thank you very much.

18:41 Best Of But in the short term, you gotta just tell... If the guy's still hitting on you, then you just gotta tell him what's up.

18:46 Adam Yeah. And definitely don't roll around on the bed with him.

18:49 Best Of Yeah.

18:49 Adam And furthermore, if I was a girl living in this situation, I put one of those barrel bolts on my door.

18:55 Drew Barrel bolt? And then draw that line down the middle of the room, too.

18:58 Adam Yeah, like the sitcoms from the 70s. No, seriously, I'd put a lock on my bedroom door, because this guy could come home loaded one night and stumble right on in. And if you're gonna freeze when he touches you, God knows what he's gonna do to you before you unfreeze. I wish more women would freeze when I touch them. They have no problem. They don't freeze at all. They're like, hey, get away. You gotta kick. Chris?

19:22 Caller Yeah?

19:22 Adam You're 15.

19:23 Caller Yep.

19:23 Adam What's up?

19:24 Caller First I want to say I can fart on command.

19:27 Adam Really?

19:28 Caller Yeah.

19:28 Adam Who's command?

19:29 Caller Anyone.

19:30 Adam Oh, I see.

19:31 Caller Fart. Okay, hold on.

19:33 Caller All right.

19:37 Adam Apparently, I heard something in the distance.

19:43 Drew He's one of those.

19:45 Caller You hear that?

19:46 Adam Oh, yes. Did we hear it? The neighbors heard it.

19:51 Drew The nation heard it. What are you talking about?

19:53 Adam God heard it. Your dead grandmother heard that one.

19:55 Best Of Fart heard around the world.

19:56 Caller That's right.

19:58 Adam Hey, Chris, that's pretty good.

20:00 Yeah.

20:01 Adam Yeah, I didn't know how many people had this gift until I got onto the show.

20:04 Best Of Your parents must be proud.

20:06 Caller I can do the same thing with my burps.

20:08 Adam Well, that's a layup, but the gas is what I'm most interested in.

20:12 Okay.

20:13 Adam That's very nice. All right. Do you have something else for us?

20:16 Caller Yeah, I got a question.

20:17 Caller All right.

20:19 Caller Does masturbating make my penis get bigger?

20:21 Adam Ask it in the form of a fart, please.

20:23 Drew No. No, it doesn't.

20:26 Adam No, it does not. I wouldn't have been able to make it into this studio if that was true. I'm 35. I have 20 years under my belt, pardon the pun, and I can tell you, as a matter of fact, I think I've eroded my penis. I think it's smaller than it would have been.

20:41 Drew Sharpened it.

20:41 Adam I'm convinced. Yeah. Well, I mean, like anything in nature, glaciers, streams, cutting canyons, I mean, eventually, that kind of constant friction will wear something down. I mean, even granite gets worn down.

20:59 Drew It gets smoother and rounded. Were you pointy in the-

21:02 Adam I was jagged.

21:03 Drew Jagged to start with.

21:04 Adam Yeah. I had to wear a gardening glove for my first couple of years because my penis was so sharp. It had a lot of shards and barbs on it and whatnot. All right. After this. Be right back.

21:50 Caller This is the Best of Loveline.

21:52 Adam I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Drew. Do not bother calling us. We will not pick up the phone.

21:57 Drew We're not here to pick up the phone.

21:59 Adam Another good point, Drew. Andy Dick, our old friend, Andy Dick came by.

22:04 Drew With his band, of course.

22:05 Adam Oh, yes.

22:06 Drew The bitches of the century.

22:07 Adam And he sung a little ditty. Here's what I'm, and I know, Andy, don't take this as any kind of personal attack. Really don't, because everybody, everybody does this. And Drew, you'll back me up on this because you do it as well and you actually encourage it in the guest. But a guest will sit here sort of silently. There won't be a much conversation, maybe a little back and forth. And then all of a sudden the music will start swelling. I'll put the earphones on. I'll pick the microphone up. I'll put it against my mouth and I'll see the guest and they'll have a question for me. And they'll say, hey, how's about, where do you guys park when you guys do the show? And I think to myself, what is it exactly they're thinking is going on? I mean, they know we're doing a radio show. They know there's a little commercial breaks. And obviously, they see this is the time that we're going back to doing the show. Do they think I'm gonna give an answer? Not you, Andy, you're golden. But Drew, how often does that happen that somebody asks a question or makes a statement or has a sort of proclamation, seconds before it is time to speak?

23:11 Drew Most nights.

23:11 Adam Most nights. And while the music is swelling, the headphones have been put back up and the microphone has been brought to the mouth. Does it usually make a difference?

23:20 Caller It's a nerves thing.

23:21 Adam What is that?

23:22 Caller A nerves thing, probably.

23:23 Adam The funniest thing is it usually interrupts a good story, but that's all right. The guests usually just keep rolling on. You'll hear us talking into the break. Andy Dick is our guest tonight. You can find Andy Dick every Sunday night with his Bitches of the Century over at the Mint. On Pico in Crescent Heights at the 830s doing their show. It's really a who's who of Hollywood celebrities A-list that shows up to these things.

23:54 Caller Nick Nolte has been known to stop by.

23:56 Adam Really?

23:57 Caller Seriously, he came twice.

23:58 Adam Wow.

23:59 Caller Yeah.

23:59 Adam You think it's a coincidence?

24:00 Caller Well, he's dating somebody in the band, so to speak. She's not in the band. She does a couple songs that-

24:06 Adam I see.

24:07 Caller One song that I wrote and one song that she wrote.

24:09 Adam How old is she, by the way?

24:11 Caller I see.

24:13 Adam Let's split the difference, call it thirteen. All right. We're going to hop back-

24:16 Caller It's Vicki Lewis.

24:17 Adam On the phone?

24:18 Caller Vicki Lewis from News Radio.

24:20 Adam She was in Mama's Family.

24:21 Caller Broadway's Vicki Lewis. No, she was on News Radio. She is a show stopper.

24:26 Adam Who am I thinking of? Oh, Vicki Lawrence. That's right.

24:29 Caller Yeah.

24:29 Adam She sung the night the lights went out in Georgia, didn't she?

24:33 Caller No.

24:33 Adam Was that her big song? She was on the Carol Burnett Show.

24:36 Caller Yeah. But I'm talking about Vicki Lewis, the redhead from News Radio.

24:39 Caller Oh.

24:40 Adam Oh, yeah. That's different. Totally different. What's going on with that News Radio? Have they canceled it yet? It's over.

24:46 Caller It's been over a year.

24:47 Adam All right.

24:48 Caller Damn.

24:49 Adam Yeah. Well, you know, it lives on in syndication. You make a lot of money from that?

24:53 Caller No.

24:53 Adam Why not?

24:54 Caller No, you don't. You just don't. If you're the creator of the show, I think you make millions.

24:58 Adam But I see.

24:59 Caller Actors just make a couple thousand. All right. Not per episode, just in general.

25:03 Adam Really?

25:04 Caller Seriously, it's not much money.

25:05 Adam That's a bitch.

25:06 Yeah. I know.

25:07 Adam Liam.

25:08 Caller Hey, fellas.

25:08 Adam Not that you deserve that much. Liam, you're 25.

25:12 Caller Thanks.

25:12 Caller Yeah.

25:12 Adam Hi.

25:13 Caller This is really an honor for me. I have so much respect for you guys, believe it or not. Except Andy Dick.

25:18 Adam Oh, listen.

25:19 Caller Thank you. What is that supposed to mean?

25:21 Adam Only I'm allowed to insult Andy Dick.

25:23 Caller Why would you say that? And what is it supposed to mean?

25:25 Drew We need to give people's courses in this country on how to compliment people. I really admire you guys, believe it or not.

25:32 Caller I'm sorry if I got it on the wrong foot. It's just that you tend to distrust somebody, but I really do admire Drew so much for what you do. I had such a difficult childhood, including molestations and stuff like that, and to hear you talk about it, and I think educate people that it goes on is so, so very important. I just have a great amount of admiration for you and for Adam's sense of humor.

25:55 Adam Well, thank you. You see what happened to me?

25:56 Caller I really meant it, actually.

25:57 Adam Thank you.

25:58 Caller But I want to know what's up. What's your problem with me?

26:01 Caller I was just joking.

26:01 Caller Oh, OK, OK, because I'm very sensitive.

26:05 Caller Yeah, I know.

26:06 Caller Especially in sobriety.

26:08 Caller Yeah, OK.

26:08 Caller Very sensitive.

26:11 Caller Hi, my question is, I was at a party Saturday night. I'm not usually in the habit of doing any kinds of drugs because I think I'm prone to a little bit of depression. And a lot of people, they were smoking. And I couldn't get away. I didn't have a car with me. I had to sleep there overnight. And I swear to God, I had been high, but not a good high, just sick ever since then. And my head's been spinning. I haven't been able to focus very well.

26:34 Adam And you didn't smoke any pot?

26:35 Caller Well, I'm sure that I did by just by standing around, but not...

26:40 Drew No, no. That won't do it.

26:42 Caller No?

26:43 Adam No.

26:44 Drew But I wonder if you just started getting anxious, having panic attacks or something.

26:47 Caller No, no.

26:49 Caller I mean, it was a very small room. There was a lot of smoke, a lot of cigarettes, a lot of marijuana. That doesn't... You don't think that has any...

26:57 Adam No.

26:58 Drew No.

26:59 Caller It's all in your mind. So your mind can do tricks like that.

27:03 Adam Although you do inhale a decent amount of atmospheric smoke, for instance. Well, I'm sure you're aware that millions die each year from secondhand smoke.

27:12 Drew I know that.

27:12 Adam Millions, millions of Americans. Literally. And it's the number one killer of people under 50, secondhand smoke. Waitresses, average life expectancy, 24 years old. Everyone dies of secondhand smoke. Actually, wait a minute, that was two years ago. Now nobody dies of secondhand smoke because they've decided to stop lying about it so much.

27:32 Caller Or they're all dead, all the ones who were going to die.

27:34 Adam Yeah, that's what it is. Yeah, all four people that died of secondhand smoke. Oh, God, I want to kill people when I think about those campaigns.

27:41 Caller Dr. Drew, is there a really sensitive, because anytime that I have smoked, that I felt kind of the same way, just kind of sick for a couple days and not any kind of good high. Is there anything that at least, is there a sensitive body type to POD?

27:55 Drew Yeah, there's definitely some people that are adversely affected by it. Some people get really severe panic attacks from it. Yeah.

28:01 Adam The medical term is a lightus weightus. That's what they call that.

28:05 Drew But if this is the way you characteristically feel when you've been exposed to that drug, how can we deny that maybe you were exposed to enough to get that again? But I wouldn't worry that something permanent has developed, although I have seen ongoing panic attacks in people that are exposed, even low levels of marijuana.

28:22 Adam Liam, this one's in your head, not in your lungs. That would be my take.

28:26 Caller Chi-Tak Chi is not true.

28:27 Caller That's not a real thing.

28:30 Drew Not really.

28:30 Adam Well, I'll tell you what does happen. If you've been baked enough in your day and you're hanging around guys that are getting baked, it brings you back to the baked days and you start thinking about it and you have what you call a contact guy. That's fabulous radio, Andy. Andy's doing some good prop humor. All right. Do we find that we found that Dub C drop? I can't remember what he called me.

28:58 Caller It's cracking y'all. This Dub C from the West Side Connect gang. Y'all know the still West Side of mine chilling on the love line. Y'all know what time it is.

29:04 Caller Dub C the Sheddies one.

29:06 Caller Packing that pistola, chillin with my homeboy, Ace Rockolla.

29:10 Caller Fool, I thought you knew.

29:11 Caller Chillin with my homeboy, Dr. Drew, the Sheddies one. Listen to this. Turn it up, turn it up.

29:16 Caller That's Ria Nia.

29:20 Adam Come again. Dub C speaks backwards on occasion. All right. So we got Ace Rockolla and we got mayonnaise. All wearing the same pair of shoes.

29:29 Let's rock.

29:30 Caller Let's rock.

29:31 Adam Robert.

29:31 Caller Remember that?

29:32 Adam Yeah.

29:33 Caller Twin Peaks.

29:33 Adam You're 16. Yeah. What's up?

29:37 Caller I pierced my body.

29:38 Drew You pierced your body.

29:39 Caller Where?

29:41 Adam Through the middle.

29:42 Caller Huh?

29:43 Adam Just right through the middle?

29:44 Drew I guess like an arrow.

29:46 Caller Yeah, pretty much.

29:47 Drew They call it a spear. It's really a spear.

29:50 Adam Yeah.

29:50 Caller No, I pierced my body and the most recent piercing I've done was my penis.

29:55 Adam Nice.

29:56 Caller What part?

29:57 Caller What?

29:57 Caller What part?

29:59 Caller Oh, it's just it's it's really just skin and a little bit of flesh under the head of the penis.

30:05 Drew Ouch.

30:07 Caller Yeah.

30:07 Caller And I didn't do it.

30:08 Adam Is that your frenulum under there?

30:10 Best Of Yeah.

30:11 Caller What?

30:12 Adam Yeah. All right, Robert, what happened? Who did what to you?

30:17 Caller Well, I know what you mean. Like I was molested once and I I've been I guess what you would call sexually assaulted.

30:27 Adam Okay.

30:28 Caller A couple of times throughout my younger, younger years.

30:30 Adam Right. All right.

30:31 Drew That's what makes people do this.

30:33 Adam Now you're acting out on yourself. Yeah.

30:35 Caller And also I used to cut myself all over and I don't do that no more. And I was kind of wondering also if the reason why I pierced my body is because another way of not cutting myself, I guess.

30:47 Drew I think it's part of it.

30:48 Caller Really? Okay. But my real question is, is the piercing supposed to give me more of an orgasm?

30:56 Drew No.

30:57 Caller Okay. Because?

30:58 Drew Because it doesn't.

30:59 Caller Okay.

31:00 Adam Okay. So Robert, here's what we need to work on, the abuse of the past that's causing the pain and the acting out of today.

31:08 Drew Right.

31:09 Adam All right. Have you ever got any therapy?

31:12 Caller Yeah. And I'm actually against counselors, so.

31:15 Adam Oh, I see.

31:16 Caller That didn't work too much.

31:17 Adam All right. Well, as long as you're against getting better, that's fine.

31:20 No.

31:20 Adam All right. Well, keep poking holes in yourself.

31:22 All right.

31:23 Adam And we'll see you in hell, okay?

31:25 All right.

31:25 Caller Take care.

31:26 Adam Thanks for calling.

31:26 Caller Hey, Robert. Yeah?

31:28 Adam Listen, screwball. Listen, you need a counselor like nobody else. Believe me. Trust me on this one, brother. If you were sexually assaulted on numerous occasions when you were younger and you're acting out now and you need to work it out.

31:45 Caller I have one. I have one.

31:46 Adam You do?

31:47 Caller Yeah.

31:47 Adam Oh, yeah.

31:48 Caller You know I do.

31:49 Adam Hey, listen, Andy's got one in the car now, by the way. He travels with his.

31:53 Caller Oh, really?

31:54 Adam Oh, yes.

31:55 Caller That's fun.

31:55 Adam Yeah. It's good times.

31:57 Caller Oh, yeah.

31:58 Adam Hey, Robert?

31:59 Caller Yeah.

31:59 Adam Really? You're calling because you want help and we're telling you, by all means, get it.

32:04 Caller Okay.

32:05 Adam All right.

32:05 Caller All right.

32:06 Adam All right. Okay.

32:07 Caller I pay mine by the week.

32:08 Adam Hey, listen, it's got to be tough on guys. It was tough on women. It still is tough on women, but we're constantly talking about the shame and the humiliation and victims coming forward and all that kind of stuff. Think about a guy who was sexually molested and even how much more difficult that is for him to come forward.

32:28 Caller Just think about me.

32:30 Adam Yeah. You had someone diddle you when you were younger.

32:33 Caller Well, call it what you will. Yeah.

32:35 Adam What was it? A babysitter?

32:37 Caller Yep.

32:37 Adam Yeah. But look at you. It created unblocked...

32:41 Caller He didn't diddle me. I don't know even what that means, Adam.

32:44 Adam What was it? What went on?

32:45 Caller He twiddled me. I don't know what diddled means.

32:49 Adam I see. You don't want to be making light of your twiddling?

32:53 Caller No. He didn't... He wanted us to play stick shift, and whoever made it to the finish line first would get a ball of popcorn.

33:03 Adam Wow. Popcorn ball?

33:06 Caller Ritten.

33:08 Caller Ritten.

33:10 Adam Ritten. You know what I missed? You know what I missed? I don't miss much from my jalo, but I do miss the popcorn ball. I don't know where that went, and if people still eat those, or if they've just gotten past that. Remember popcorn balls?

33:26 Caller That was around Christmas.

33:27 Adam I miss popcorn balls. Someone's got to whip me up a popcorn ball.

33:32 Caller I'll show you some popcorn balls.

33:35 Drew Let's check in on Joe again, see what he sounds like here.

33:37 Adam See if Joe's still asleep.

33:38 Drew Yeah.

33:38 Caller All right.

33:41 Caller Wait a minute. That is not right. That is not real.

33:48 Best Of Wait.

33:50 Caller I thought I heard him laugh. No. Sounds like a baby cow.

33:58 Adam Joe's been on hold for 119 minutes.

34:00 Wake.

34:01 Adam Don't wake him up.

34:04 Caller Oh, I love him.

34:05 Adam Tell him bedtime story. Wake him up.

34:07 Wake up.

34:08 Adam No, no.

34:08 Caller Make a loud noise.

34:09 Adam Let's listen.

34:13 Drew Sounds like our security guard.

34:16 Adam Our security guard fell asleep out in the hall on the sofa.

34:20 Caller That big gun.

34:22 Adam I took a 20-foot mic cord and put it right by his head. We listened to him snore all night.

34:27 Drew Snore cam.

34:28 Adam That's great radio. All right. We'll check in with Gio just one more time before we go to break.

34:42 Caller It just doesn't even sound real.

34:44 Adam All right. He heard that there was a new drug that got him high. Okay. One more time and then we go to break. I can't get enough of this guy.

34:55 Caller Whoa.

34:56 Adam You know what's fun? It's fun, the timing, because sometimes you check in, he's right in the middle of one, and then sometimes there's a long couple of beats. Let's see if we can time one. Let me see if I can time one just right.

35:12 Caller That was a little one. Wait, he's waking up.

35:13 Wake up, wake up.

35:15 Drew Wake up, wake up.

35:16 Caller We want to wake him up.

35:17 Adam Would you shut his goddamn mic off?

35:22 Caller It's like an angry snore. He's angry now.

35:26 Adam Alright, we're going to take a little break. We'll be back with more Snoring Kitties after this.

35:33 Caller Yo, Loveline, we'll be right back, homie.

36:16 Adam Yeah, it's the Loveline of Adam Carolla. That is Dr. Drew over there. Andy Dick has joined us tonight. I think they're going to play another Diddy for us. Is that true, Andy?

36:25 Caller It's our only hit. It's our only hit.

36:27 Adam It is. All right. Well, wait a minute. Let's just check back with Joe, see if he's still snoring.

36:38 Caller Maybe we should keep him on during our song.

36:40 Best Of He's my dad.

36:41 Adam Let's do it.

36:42 Drew Let's see if we can do it.

37:36 Caller Ring, ring, ring, ring.

37:43 Adam That's it.

37:45 Drew Short version.

37:49 Caller Okay, okay.

37:50 Caller We love you, Joe.

37:51 Adam That is golden, Andy.

37:53 Caller Thank you.

37:54 Caller I hope he shows up to the show.

37:58 Adam No bigger fan of Andy Dick than Joe 18 on line three.

38:05 Caller Stop it. It's like bad PR. Every time you say my name, he snores.

38:09 Adam Don't just believe me as far as the Andy Dick and the Bitches of the Century being great. Let's hear what a critic has to say.

38:22 Drew Critics agree.

38:23 Adam The critics agree. The greatest night of entertainment. What? Yes.

38:32 Caller It's not, I don't know why I'm laughing.

38:35 Adam Is Loveline the fastest two hours on radio? Let's hear what the callers think.

38:45 Caller Oh, and he's not waking up.

38:52 Adam It never gets old. I love it. Oh my God. Drew, should someone breathe that fast? Chipmunk doesn't, a squirrel doesn't breathe that fast. All right. I'm going to put Joe on hold. I can really go on. If we could get one of those guys who calls in and farts on demand and put him on the next line next to Joe who snores on demand, I would just kill him.

39:19 Caller I'll write a song to it.

39:21 Adam I would explode. Would you like to sample Joe for maybe an upcoming album?

39:25 Caller Maybe we should. Can you record it for us?

39:27 Adam Let's get a little Joe. Oh, wait. Yeah, that's my Joe.

39:36 Caller That's my Joe. Let's take a legitimate call. There's people who need our help.

39:43 Adam Are you saying Joe doesn't have problems? Liz, you're 19.

39:49 Caller I have a question for you.

39:50 Adam All right.

39:51 Caller Okay. A friend of mine has a yeast infection in his mouth. Don't ask me how he got it, but I guess he brushes his teeth like five times a day.

40:00 Drew No, Liz, he needs to see a doctor. That is a sign that his immune system isn't working normally though.

40:07 Caller The doctor told him that he had to gargle with yogurt.

40:13 Drew Oh, that's bizarre. He did not see a doctor, because there are easy treatments for this, no problem. What are they?

40:19 Adam You have to brush with gynolytrimeth.

40:21 Drew There's a mouthwash called nystatin, which is antifungal, and there's also a fluconazole, which you can take one pill of and it will eradicate it completely.

40:29 Adam Gargle with yogurt.

40:32 Drew No, it's true. Liz, no, that's not what they told him. That's not what they told him. He did not see a medical doctor. And it's simply treated. And he needs a workup to see why he got this, because when I was in training, it was one of the hallmark signs of HIV, it was an otherwise healthy male with an oral thrush.

40:50 Adam Alright, he needs to go to a real doctor.

40:53 Caller Dr. Drew said it could be HIV.

40:55 Drew Well, no.

40:56 Caller But he's never had sex or...

40:58 Drew No, no, no, no. Listen, in the old days, that was the kind... In the old days, when I was in training, that was the thing we'd look for first, because it often means immune impairment. It's also going to mean he took a whole bunch of antibiotics recently. That could even predispose to it.

41:10 Adam Liz? He needs to see a doctor that does not have a gong and a giant root hanging in the window. Do you understand?

41:19 Caller Well, what I was going to ask you in the first place, now my question has been answered, could you actually douche with that for a yeast infection in a woman? No, no, no, no.

41:31 Adam Douche with yogurt?

41:32 Drew No, no, no.

41:33 Caller Thank you very much.

41:35 Adam Fruit on the bottom. Alright. We'll speak to, no one has called her system.

41:43 Caller Joe?

41:43 Caller You got used to it now.

41:44 Caller Where's Joe?

41:45 Adam I want to hear Joe.

41:46 Caller We gon make bread with it.

41:49 Drew Uh-oh.

41:50 Adam Oh, he's back. He is back. Alright. Brian?

41:54 Caller Yeah?

41:55 Adam You're fifteen. What's up?

41:56 Caller Yeah, um... I've been with my boyfriend for probably three and a half months and he is still in the closet and we go to a very close minded school. Yet I've been out of the closet probably all three years in high school.

42:10 Drew You're gay?

42:12 Adam I see.

42:14 Caller Anyways, Adam, we've told a few of our closest friends and we just now told our parents that we were together and my mom loves him and his mom loves me. Probably two nights ago I went over there and we were messing around and I came down and I had a hickey on my neck and his mom flipped. Even though she said she was okay with it. Right.

42:35 Drew How old is your boyfriend?

42:37 Caller He's sixteen also.

42:38 Drew Sixteen?

42:39 Caller Yeah.

42:39 Caller Any mother would flip out whether it was a gay couple or a straight couple.

42:44 Drew I'm glad Andy said that, not me.

42:45 Caller But isn't that true?

42:46 Drew Yes, absolutely. It's bizarre, Brian. You're pushing this along so quickly.

42:50 Caller You don't need to shove it in people's faces, I guess.

42:53 Caller Well, no. I mean, okay.

42:55 Caller People freak out on you.

42:56 Drew Heterosexual couples have to hide. Right.

42:59 Caller They wouldn't do that hickey.

43:00 Caller But his mom was more...

43:02 Caller Let him give you a hickey on your butt. No one will see it.

43:06 Caller Well, one of my bigger questions was, he's having problems trying to come out to the rest of the school. His mom wants us to be discreet about it, and he doesn't really want to.

43:19 Caller But that's fine, too. Yeah. I think you should just keep it quiet. I wish I would have just kept my damn mouth shut about my sexuality. I really do. I don't think it's helping anybody, and it definitely hurts me. I got bi-bashed the other week. Really? Yeah. Somebody said, he was with a couple cute young blonde girls, and he was a bigger, a tall, like, he was from some other country. But he said, he's bisexual. And the girl's like, shut up. And he's like, no, seriously, he is, he is. And we were on an elevator. And I said, right as the doors, I waited for the doors to open, and I said, and you're large. And he pushed me, and he said, I'm gonna kick your ass, you faggot.

44:08 Drew He did not say that.

44:08 Caller He did, and he pushed me really hard, and he started to get into it, but I'm not gonna run, I just went off.

44:15 Drew Faggot better run. Did you scare him?

44:19 Caller Oh yeah, I scared the crap out of him. I started screaming and running, and then he started running to his car, and then I had my friend Ed waiting in his car to pick me, because I can't drive, I don't have a license anymore, and that guy right over there, Ed, came around the corner, but he was already afraid, because I'm like, come on, let's go, let's do it, and he ran to his car, and Ed and I both chased him to his car.

44:41 Adam Maybe he thought you meant sex. No? No. The upside is he got eight songs out of it. All right, we're gonna take ourselves a break. Let's just check with Joe on hold for 130 minutes. Huh? That's my Joe. We'll be back.

45:49 Caller This is the Best of Loveline.

45:50 Adam I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Drew, the next guest, no doubt. Adrian and Tom came by.

45:55 Drew And healed a old wound, did they not?

45:58 Adam That's right. A scab has not formed over this wound for many a year.

46:01 Drew No, they were great guys, and I think got everything all sorted out, didn't they?

46:05 Adam Well, let's find out. Sometimes Anderson forgets to turn the mic on.

46:10 Drew Oh, there we go. Yeah, he's trying to tell you something. He's not forgetting anything.

46:15 Adam You know what's great about working here? Someone forgets to turn your mic on, you make mention of it during the show, and now you're getting punished. Fantastic. All right, there's no discipline. It's a love line. I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Drew over there. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191, fax number 310-854-4455. Dr. Drew is a board certified physician, and addiction medicine specialist. Tonight, Adrian and Tom are both here from No Doubt. Guys, we haven't seen in a while, although I'm trying to think when the last time I saw Tom and Adrian was. I know I saw somebody, I saw both of you, maybe at Darren's wedding from Goldfinger, right?

46:55 Caller At the Sportsman's Lodge.

46:56 Adam Oh, yes, Cash Bar. I was talking about that last night. Darren called in five minutes later, crying. But the truth can hurt. No Doubt, we had in here, oh, we had a little debacle about five years ago, four and a half years ago. When was that?

47:14 Drew Five years ago, just when we started in this studio, really, the syndicate. Was it?

47:17 Adam Ricky was here, right?

47:19 Drew Yeah, I think so.

47:20 Adam So we're talking over four and a half years ago. At that time, Tragic Kingdom had been out for like a year, I think.

47:30 Caller Just came out.

47:31 Adam Did it just come out? Because I thought it was out for a little while, and it just got hot. It wasn't Tragic Kingdom out for eight or nine months, and then it got hot?

47:40 Yeah, it took about a year. But when we were here, it was, I think, right around Thanksgiving of 95.

47:45 Drew You want to hear something more bizarre about the history of No Doubt on K-Rock. Is they doing this behind the music show?

47:51 Adam Right.

47:51 Drew The only footage they could find from their early days was on Loveline.

47:56 Adam Photograph footage or just video footage?

47:58 Drew I don't remember there being a camera there when you guys were there, but was it like a handheld?

48:02 Caller We weren't in the picture.

48:04 Drew Oh, it was just old footage of us?

48:06 Caller Old footage of yourself and poor man.

48:09 Drew How funny.

48:10 Adam Have you guys seen the behind the music yet?

48:13 Caller Yes.

48:14 Adam How did you like it, by the way? I haven't seen it yet.

48:18 It's pretty good.

48:19 Adam I love that show. It's like a heroine. You ever watch that?

48:22 Drew The only last one I saw was with you and it was about the mamas and the papas.

48:26 Adam I know, but I don't even like the mamas and the papas. We're riveted, right?

48:29 Drew We watched it three times.

48:30 Adam I would watch one, if they did one on the Country Bear Jamboree, on the animatronic bears, I would watch the thing. I swear to God, it's something so interesting, no matter whether you're a band, an actor, an inventor, whatever you are, there's something about that starting from this point, getting to that point, but you guys haven't fallen apart. Why did they do a story about you?

48:55 I don't know. We've been together for 13 years, so there's enough history there. We've gone through some weird stuff.

49:00 Adam Yeah, but usually somebody has to OD and die, or the wheels, plane crash, bus accident, the wheels really have to come off the wagon. Is there something I don't know about?

49:12 Caller We were definitely questioning it ourselves about, you know, are we interesting enough? Has there been enough drama in our career? But I think they did a really good job with it.

49:22 Adam All right. Well, I can't wait to see it. Let me also give a few plugs. Return of Saturn is the name of the CD which is currently out. Tom, are you still playing Dr. Bruce's Triumph Triangle guitar?

49:38 Dr. Bruce has a great guitar collection. I haven't seen that guy in a while, but.

49:41 Adam Yeah, he's in prison.

49:43 Oh, yeah.

49:43 Drew No, no.

49:43 Adam No.

49:44 I've heard him on here a few times. I have a couple of his old Fender Basement apps. He's a good guy.

49:49 Adam But didn't he give you at some point, didn't he hook up with you and get a guitar to you?

49:56 He gave me a couple of guitars, a Les Paul and an SG and I had them for months and months.

50:01 Adam Did you play them in concert?

50:03 I think I may have used some of them actually in the studio, but never in concert. I can't play Les Paul. I can only play Explorers and Vs.

50:09 Adam All right. Well, don't tell him that. It would break his heart. That's his claim to fame that you played his triangle guitar. I thought that was his guitar for some reason. Maybe it's because he told me. All right. So we'll hear something off the, does Gwen still hate me?

50:24 She hasn't said anything about that.

50:26 Adam The answer is yes. The answer is yes.

50:28 Caller Do you see her here?

50:30 Adam That's a very valid point. We had a little mix up last time she was in here.

50:34 Caller Everything's fine.

50:35 Adam All right.

50:35 Caller Next.

50:37 Adam All right. Now, who was that? Fiona Apple?

50:39 Drew By the way, she has joined an illustrious crowd of people that hate Adam. Oh. That would mark a distinction or anything.

50:46 Adam Yeah.

50:46 Drew Just line up.

50:47 Adam Move over, mom. Move over, dad. Gwen Stefani. She's throwing her hat in the ring too.

50:52 You know, Gwen's not much of a hater actually.

50:55 Adam No. You know what? I know we had a little spat, but she's a very, very nice person. You know the thing that makes me very even handed, Drew?

51:06 Drew Yeah.

51:06 Adam I can get into arguments with people or have a dispute with people and still recognize they're decent people. I know that makes me an a-hole.

51:13 Drew You're right. You can make them feel like crap, but...

51:16 Adam I still know the difference between good people and bad people, and just because you don't like me doesn't make you a bad person.

51:20 Drew That's right.

51:21 Adam And it could be an argument for making you a good person. Yeah. Thank you. All right. Heather?

51:27 Yeah.

51:28 Adam You're 22. What's up?

51:30 Caller Well, I'm kind of torn at the moment. I am kind of seeing this girl. I was dating her. I broke up with her when she told me she wanted to see a guy along with me.

51:41 Drew Along with you?

51:42 Caller Yeah. She told me she wanted to stay with me.

51:45 Drew Where were you?

51:46 Caller Disrupt our relationship. What could he join? And I wasn't too keen on that. So I broke up with her. And I still see her all the time because I really like her.

51:53 Caller Yeah.

51:54 Caller And my ex-boyfriend just came back into town. He had left state when I broke up with him. And he had found out that we were together because she is his ex-girlfriend.

52:03 Adam Oh, jeez.

52:04 Caller All right.

52:04 Adam You all have to kill yourselves and just start anew. Yes. Put yourself in the ground and hopefully something good will grow.

52:12 Drew What's your question?

52:13 Caller Right. I don't know what to do because I still have feelings for him. But I really, really like this girl.

52:19 Drew Why did he leave the state?

52:22 Caller She's pregnant right now by one of two guys. She was the guy before me or the guy that she wanted to see with me.

52:27 Drew And the F is going on with Heather. Where do we begin?

52:31 Adam I don't know. Heather.

52:33 Yeah.

52:35 Adam What is up? What's with the Jerry Springer lifestyle you're leading here?

52:39 Caller She said that I could take him right off the network if they put me on show. I mean, I live in one bedroom apartment, two other people, my brother who just said he's bisexual and this girl.

52:46 Adam All right. So what happened to you growing up?

52:49 Drew You and your brother had a pretty tough time growing up, huh?

52:52 Caller Yeah.

52:52 Drew Oh yeah.

52:53 Caller Very confused people, I guess.

52:55 Drew Yeah.

52:55 Caller But I don't know what to do. Like I was going to play this for her tomorrow to show her, because I'm unable to really speak to her.

53:01 Adam This tape?

53:03 Caller I was going to record it later.

53:04 Drew What's her name?

53:05 Adam What do you mean later? You're calling in the 11 o'clock hour?

53:09 Drew What's her name?

53:10 Caller No, tomorrow when I see her.

53:12 Drew What's her name?

53:12 Caller I should say Laura.

53:13 Drew Laura. Laura, run.

53:17 Adam Drew rarely gives that advice.

53:20 Caller Oh, that sucks.

53:21 Adam All right. Hey Heather?

53:22 Caller Yeah.

53:22 Adam Listen, I know you grew up in a very chaotic environment and now you're hell bent on keeping that chaos alive, but could you just sort of get off the chaos S-wagon for a second and take a breath?

53:33 Drew There's a child involved here. Get out of that woman's life. That's a lot of chaos that's going to be worse than the kid involved. You're only going to add to that child's... God knows what that child's going to be brought in.

53:44 Caller A child too.

53:44 Drew Oh, God.

53:45 Adam That should be taken away.

53:47 Caller Um, okay.

53:49 Adam If raccoons raised it, it'd have a better chance.

53:52 Drew It's living in the one bedroom apartment with the other three people?

53:54 Caller I'm not raising her.

53:56 Drew Oh, it got taken away.

53:57 Caller I see her, I don't, I'm not raising her.

53:58 Drew Okay, good.

53:59 Adam Well, yeah, but who's raising? Family?

54:02 Caller Yes.

54:02 Caller No!

54:04 Adam Please. I'd rather have Satan's caddy raise that child. Okay. All right, Heather. No more kids. Whatever substances you're on, get off them. I rarely say this, but find Jesus Christ. Can you do that? I know he's in prison, but he may have gotten out. Everyone who goes to prison seems to find Jesus, but I think he made a break for it, and he may be on the lam, so you may be able to find him.

54:27 Drew It says here your ex-boyfriend is alcoholic, is that right?

54:29 Caller Yeah, that's why I left him.

54:30 Adam All right, Heather, just-

54:31 Drew That's not changed, has it?

54:33 Adam No. Okay.

54:34 Drew Well, Heather's-

54:35 Caller Opened it, what else?

54:36 Drew But it hasn't changed.

54:37 Adam Heather, here because we're out of time with you, here's what you need to do. Anything you want to do, don't do it.

54:43 Caller Okay. So basically, I'm thinking do opposite.

54:46 Adam Yes, do the opposite.

54:47 Drew Do nothing.

54:48 Adam Well, yeah, but she's thinking about something, so the opposite will be nothing. You understand?

54:52 Caller Yeah.

54:53 Adam All right. All right, Heather, please. Keep yourself out of trouble and don't get pregnant. Stop acting out. All right?

55:00 Drew Yeah. We just need to decide what her sexual orientation is too. This back and forth stuff is going to be crazy.

55:06 Adam Listen, as we've learned from this show, you scramble your kids early and that's it. I mean, it's like we always use this metaphor, but you have sort of an antenna to get you through life. And when someone smashes that antenna, when alcoholic dad or pedophile uncle ruins, bends that antenna of yours, that's it. You just go through, it's like your ship out in a storm and you have no radar. You're just banging up against the rocks for the rest of your life. David?

55:34 Yes.

55:34 Adam You're 21?

55:35 Caller Yes.

55:35 Adam What's up?

55:37 Caller I was just wondering about having sex in a chlorinated pool would kill the sperm or deteriorate a condom or what?

55:47 Adam It does screw up the condom, doesn't it?

55:48 Drew The condom, yeah. It doesn't do anything to sperm though.

55:50 Caller It doesn't do anything to sperm?

55:52 Drew Sperm just love that water.

55:55 Adam Well, what do you mean though? I mean.

55:57 Caller Okay, so.

55:58 Drew Let's put it this way, how many times have I mentioned jacuzzis or swimming pools as a means of contraception?

56:04 Caller I don't know, I just started this in about six months ago.

56:06 Adam What if he rubs a little diatomaceous earth on the end of his penis, would that add to the barrier?

56:10 Drew It forms a nice plug, maybe, but.

56:12 Adam Hey David?

56:13 Caller Yeah.

56:13 Adam But you're in your girlfriend, right? It's not like you just whacked off on a raft or something and then she swam in the pool that the raft was in. You're in it, right?

56:23 Caller Yes.

56:24 Adam All right. Well, she can get pregnant.

56:26 Caller Of course, yeah.

56:27 Caller I'm confused though, because if Therese emerged under water, her vagina will fill up with water and lubrication deteriorates, right?

56:37 Adam It's a problem.

56:38 Drew Yeah. But people can do that still they're okay.

56:40 Caller Really?

56:41 Drew Yeah. They can screw it to condom a little bit. They can make the condom less.

56:43 Caller I've had poor luck at that.

56:45 Adam Yeah.

56:45 Drew It's not easy.

56:46 Adam I put the condom on in the pool and then go by the air jet and get myself a little shot and fill up the condom and really blow it out like a Macy day. Macy day float, you know.

56:55 Drew While you're still in her or?

56:57 Adam Oh, no. Before I get in.

56:58 Drew Before I get in.

56:58 Adam Yeah. Very nice.

57:00 Drew Impress the ladies.

57:00 Adam That's right. There's nothing. There's nothing that turns a woman on like the belching of the condom before it goes in. All right. So everyone can get pregnant wherever you are. That's our message. Robert?

57:11 Caller Yes.

57:12 Adam You're 17. You're on with half of no doubt.

57:15 Caller Yes. I have a question. This is not the first time it's happened, but my girl, my brother's girlfriend is we've been started having sex lately and my brother's, me and my brother are 20 months apart and they're, him and his girlfriend are 15. And for some reason, his girlfriends start to become more attracted to me sexually and everything. So should I tell my brother or just let it lie like the other ones or what?

57:49 Drew The other ones?

57:50 Caller Yeah, it's happened once before. It happened six months ago.

57:54 Drew And when you say she's more attracted to you, you respond to that?

57:58 Caller Well, I mean, at first, I mean, both of them have started off like, you know, real shallow hints and everything else. And then, you know, like when my brother's...

58:06 Drew Robert, do you respond to them?

58:10 Adam Well, he says he's screwing around with her.

58:13 Drew He didn't really come out with that yet.

58:15 Caller Yeah, well, we're having sex, you know.

58:16 Drew Okay, well, that's what I was asking.

58:18 Caller I don't even think my brother and hers had sex.

58:21 Drew That's nice. Normally, I would think this is a totally bogus call, but Robert's freaking me out enough to believe it.

58:27 Adam Hey, Robert? Yeah? Why, this has happened before with your brother's girlfriends?

58:33 Drew One time, you said?

58:34 Caller One time.

58:34 Adam You had sex with another one of your brother's girlfriends?

58:38 Caller Well, we had oral sex.

58:39 Adam Oh, I see, that doesn't count. Did he find out about it?

58:42 Caller Um, no.

58:43 Drew That's his question. He let this one slide just like that one.

58:45 Adam Yeah, I think you should.

58:47 Best Of Oh.

58:48 Adam Well, listen, stop having sex with her.

58:50 Drew Yeah.

58:52 Adam Hey, Robert?

58:52 Caller Yes?

58:53 Adam I know it's real funny, but your brother will find out and he'll probably try to kill you in your sleep.

58:59 Caller Well, yeah, true. He does have a temper.

59:02 Adam Yeah. And I'm guessing you were raised in an environment where there's lots of like farm equipment and stuff that he could stab you with. Go out to the shed, get a hoe or sickle or something, something rusty, something he put in you.

59:17 Caller Well, yeah.

59:17 Adam All right, Robert. Hey Robert, let me explain something. All right. You don't really account for this when you're young, but you can do stuff to your brothers and sisters where they'll hate your guts for like the rest of their lives. I mean, 20 years, 50 years, you know what I mean? I mean, if you banged around with your kid brother's boyfriend, girlfriend, pardon me, once or twice, that's enough for him to hate you for many, many, many years to come. And I know it doesn't seem like such a big deal when you're 17, but later on in life at like, you know, reunions and holidays and things like that, it kind of comes back to haunt you. Like I bet my sister wishes she'd never stab me with that crocheting needle.

59:59 Drew You want to tell us a little story?

1:00:01 Adam No, I'm just, that was the story. That was it. Let's see if I can get a rise out of you guys. Crystal, Drew, that's good radio, by the way, where you just sit there and look at me for a while. Crystal, you're 17. I can't believe we get paid the same amount, Drew.

1:00:14 Drew Nothing wrong with dramatic and pregnant pauses.

1:00:17 Adam That's right.

1:00:18 Drew Don't be afraid of silence, Adam Corolla.

1:00:19 Adam All right, you better be afraid of it, because if I shut up, you're going off the air.

1:00:23 Caller Crystal, thank God for Dr. Drew. Not Dr. Adam.

1:00:27 Adam I don't see a doctor in front of your name, Mr. Big Mouth. Oh, my God. David Allen Grier is never coming back on this show. Crystal, you're 17. What's up?

1:00:37 Caller Well, I think I might be pregnant. I haven't had my period for two months, and my boyfriend that I'm with, he's the only other one that knows. I was wondering if there would be a possible way that I could get an abortion without anybody knowing.

1:00:52 Drew Yeah, pretty much, you're entitled to that, the way things are in this country right now.

1:00:56 Caller One of my friends told me that when you got an abortion that you had to have a parent's consent or an adult's consent.

1:01:03 Drew I don't believe that's true.

1:01:05 Adam I don't think you do at 17. What state are you calling from?

1:01:08 Caller Texas.

1:01:10 Adam Oh, hell, nah, they don't have laws there.

1:01:12 Drew Have you tried calling Planned Parenthood?

1:01:15 Caller Yeah.

1:01:16 Drew And what did they say?

1:01:21 Caller Well, they just.

1:01:23 Adam She's worse than you are, Drew. Yeah?

1:01:26 Caller Yeah.

1:01:26 Drew What did they say?

1:01:29 Caller They just said that I wouldn't.

1:01:35 Adam I'm going to go take a leak, Drew. When you find out what Planned Parenthood said, call me. I'll be in the bathroom. All right?

1:01:41 Drew Crystal?

1:01:42 Caller Yeah.

1:01:43 Drew What did they say?

1:01:45 Adam Crystal, you understand you're on Earth and on the radio, and there's a phone up to your mouth, right?

1:01:50 Caller Yeah.

1:01:51 Adam Okay. Here we go. You talked to Planned Parenthood and they said?

1:01:56 Caller That I shouldn't be having a baby right now.

1:01:59 Drew Oh, she's just making this up.

1:02:01 Adam I know. Crystal?

1:02:03 Caller Yes.

1:02:03 Adam You didn't call Planned Parenthood, or you're making this whole story up?

1:02:08 Caller I'm not making this story up.

1:02:09 Adam Oh, thank God, because you'd be the world's worst liar. And you did call Planned Parenthood, or you didn't? I'm going with no.

1:02:16 Caller No.

1:02:17 Adam No, you didn't. All right, that's fine.

1:02:19 Drew Call them.

1:02:19 Adam Call Planned Parenthood.

1:02:21 Caller Okay.

1:02:21 Adam Okay, and next time stop jacking us off for an hour and a half. Will you figure out whether you're called Planned Parenthood or not, would you? Jesus Christ. And by the way, people, if you're gonna lie, please lie. You stalling, the stalling is not a great tactic when it comes to lying. I mean, we do that.

1:02:43 Drew Some, some.

1:02:44 Adam We do this all the time. I'll give you a loveline answer. Just ask one of those questions. Is your dad an alcoholic? Are we ever raped? Are we ever abused? Would you shut up and ask? Give me a beat here. All right, go ahead.

1:02:55 Drew Are we ever abused?

1:03:00 Adam No.

1:03:00 Drew Did your dad hit you when you were growing up?

1:03:07 What? What?

1:03:10 Drew No, did my dad hit me?

1:03:11 Adam Did my dad hit me? Listen, when you give a good 55 count in between answering the question and the question being asked, it usually implies some guilt. So it's all right. You didn't call Planned Parenthood and just call them tomorrow. And I don't believe they told me I shouldn't be having a baby.

1:03:34 Drew One hundred two zero PLAN, two three zero PLAN.

1:03:38 Adam All right. Drew, you got an arrow pointing up on the screen where there is no call. Do we want to hear No Doubt song?

1:03:46 Drew Yes, do that.

1:03:47 Adam All right.

1:03:48 Drew Good thinking.

1:03:49 Adam All right. You got it queued up there Anderson? Yes, this is from No Doubt. This is called Ex-Girlfriend.

1:07:29 Best Of We about to get funky, yo.

1:07:32 This is Loveline.

1:07:33 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:07:35 Best Of Oh, we'll be right back.

1:08:08 Adam Welcome back to the Best of Loveline. I'm Adam Carolla. That is Dr. Drew. Matthew McConaughey, the very talented and attractive, I might say, actor came by. He was plugging U-571.

1:08:21 Drew Which has ended up being a huge hit.

1:08:23 Adam Yes.

1:08:23 Drew He said it would be.

1:08:24 Adam Well, it's because he was on Loveline.

1:08:26 Drew Yeah.

1:08:26 Adam I think this is the part where I beg him for a job in his next film. U-571 is the name of his latest movie, and it's got a lot of big stars in it, and it's chock-full of suspense and action, and it takes place in World War II and underwater. So there's really no reason. There's something in it for everyone.

1:08:47 Girls, you're gonna love it too, man. You really are.

1:08:49 Adam A lot of guys sweating. No one sweats like a guy in a sub. A lot of sweating guys wearing tight white shirts and pants with flared bottoms on them and those little watchmen caps. A lot of tension. A lot of sweaty, tension-filled guys. So ladies, you can enjoy that.

1:09:10 Drew You're gay.

1:09:11 Adam See guys, and here's the thing too, is guys couldn't enjoy the male version of that unless the chicks got naked and got into the shower. Women, I think, could enjoy the guys without having them get into like a panty fight or something. There's no panty raid in the movie. No.

1:09:33 Caller Not yet.

1:09:33 Adam You and Harvey can't tell.

1:09:34 Caller We got four dashes.

1:09:35 Adam You don't run into his bunk with a pillow and yell, panty raid, and start beating him over the head.

1:09:40 Caller Good.

1:09:41 Adam Hey, Matthew, seriously, I don't know what you can do. I'm sure you're-

1:09:45 Drew He wants to be in a movie. Is that what you're going to go for?

1:09:49 Adam I am this nation's greatest untapped resource. I really am. I'm a huge talent, an amazing talent.

1:09:57 Drew Oh, my God.

1:09:58 Adam Almost a phenom, I think, of what you mean. And I'm really a 35-year-old prodigy, if that's possible, Drew. And I really have something to say.

1:10:10 Drew And Matthew, when you produce and direct your next film, I mean, you'll think of him.

1:10:14 Adam No, here's what I'm saying. What are you saying? I'm saying I'm going to be on the big screen. I'm going to be making an impact. And basically, what I'm saying to you is I'm giving you a tip on a stock. I'm letting you get in. I'm saying because I like you, I'm going to let you get in early.

1:10:31 Drew Just between you and me?

1:10:32 Adam Just between. I'll get you in on the ground floor now. That's where the smart money's going.

1:10:38 Drew All right. That being said, let's go on the call.

1:10:40 Adam Because I know how all this works. You have friends. They're in the industry. All you got to do is tap someone on the shoulder.

1:10:46 Drew Did you produce this film?

1:10:48 Adam Who did produce it?

1:10:49 Drew De Laurentiis.

1:10:50 Adam There you go. You know Dino, right?

1:10:52 Caller Yes, I did.

1:10:52 Adam There. Next time he does something, you go, I don't die with a big eyebrows. It'd be perfect for this role. You see what I'm saying?

1:11:02 Caller I'm getting everything that's not even being said.

1:11:04 Best Of I hear it.

1:11:06 Adam Sean?

1:11:08 Caller Yeah.

1:11:08 Adam Sean, you're 16.

1:11:09 Caller Uh-huh.

1:11:11 Adam U-571.

1:11:13 Caller This is for you.

1:11:15 Caller I'm going to go see that movie. That looks like a very good movie.

1:11:17 Adam There you go. Thank you. What's your question?

1:11:19 Caller It's from Matthew McConaughey.

1:11:20 Caller Appreciate it, Sean. Appreciate it.

1:11:21 Caller Yeah. Um, yeah, I'm 16 and this girl I met at the high school lacrosse game about two weeks ago, she's 15 and I'm a sophomore in high school. She's a freshman. And anyway, she really liked me and she gave me her number and she called me last weekend and we got together went to the movies and then I asked her out like a day after I knew her just because I felt like things went good. I usually rush into things and so later that week she's like, you know, this isn't working out. She broke up with me. And last Friday she just called me up at the Blooms. I feel like having sex and I was like, okay. And she's like, I'll be here for five minutes. So she comes over.

1:12:01 Drew How old is she?

1:12:02 Caller She's 15.

1:12:02 Adam She came over to your house?

1:12:04 Caller Yes. I'm friends with her over and over. I was alone. No one was at home or whatever. And she comes over like 10 minutes later. And here she gets in and I'm a virgin.

1:12:13 Drew Just one second. Just picture Sean during that 10 minutes.

1:12:16 Adam Yeah. While she's on her way over.

1:12:19 Caller I like, I tripped and fell like all over.

1:12:21 Adam Being a virgin, yeah. First thing he did was he pulled the Dick Van Dyke maneuver on the ottoman, you know, rushing for the shower to watch his, watch his groin off, right? Tell me, did you go for the full shower or just the groinal cleansing?

1:12:35 Caller The 30 second shower.

1:12:37 Adam Yeah.

1:12:37 Caller Or he didn't jump at me or slip on the tub and hit my head on the same time.

1:12:41 Adam Yeah, it's great. Great. Probably didn't even feel it. Oh my God. You're like taking a multivitamin, slapping on aquavelva, doing a little karate move in front of the full length mirror in your towel.

1:12:53 Caller Maybe on music. Whoa, maybe not.

1:12:55 Caller I'm thinking of that phone call.

1:12:56 Drew What is that phone call we got?

1:12:57 Adam I don't know. I don't know what's up. She broke up with you and then she calls you and said she wanted some sex. So anyway, she's got some stuff going on. She's coming over.

1:13:05 Caller Yeah, and so she's over here or whatever. Should we go up to my room? Yeah, I got the treasure as best I could in the two seconds I had, get the mood going, light's off, you know. Got some crappy slow music going on. And she gets in there and she's like, well, we only have ten minutes, because I've got a gooch, she's beeped, and she left the house, and I'm like, okay.

1:13:27 Drew She left what? She what?

1:13:28 Adam She only had ten minutes?

1:13:29 Drew Yeah. She left some kids behind?

1:13:31 Adam So you can only do it twice, is that what she's saying?

1:13:35 Caller Yeah, and I was like, I'm a virgin, I've never really done anything down there, you know, pretty, not that I'm a prude, but yeah.

1:13:44 Adam Right, all right. So cut to the chase.

1:13:46 Caller What happened in the ten minutes?

1:13:48 Caller Okay, so yeah, I've never been down that area before, and the lights were out, and I couldn't see a thing, so picture a virgin not been down there before, fumbling around, and I mean, I was trying to find where it's supposed to go.

1:14:01 Adam Yeah, that's true.

1:14:03 Caller I couldn't get it in, and I was like, okay, crap, you know, I found it with my finger, and you know, I tried to put it in. I don't know if it was the angle that it was coming from or what, but I couldn't get it in.

1:14:12 Adam You couldn't get the penis in?

1:14:14 Caller Right, and I'm fumbling around for two or three minutes, and she's going, uh...

1:14:17 Drew You were wrecked?

1:14:19 Caller Yes, and then, you know, six minutes later, it's like, oh crap, you know, I need some help, and she's like, no, do it yourself.

1:14:25 Caller Oh, oh really?

1:14:27 Caller Yeah, so anyway, six minutes later, I'm like, okay, you know what, I'm not that hard anymore, and then two minutes later, it's like, okay, and she's like, I gotta go, I'm like, what?

1:14:38 Adam All right, so she left. Right. All right, so your question is, is how to kill yourself? I suggest hanging or pills will be mine.

1:14:47 Caller Kind of tie a noose around my penis and like, hang it.

1:14:50 Drew Yeah, just hang it.

1:14:50 Adam Yeah, just hang it around your penis. All right, listen, Sean, it's a tough situation. I don't know how many virgins would have done any better than that.

1:15:00 Drew Right, totally understandable, and even most guys, I don't know if most is the right number, but many guys on their first go out outing experienced some kind of dysfunction. So you've now got that out of the way, and in the most sort of extraordinary way, in fact.

1:15:14 Caller Let me say this, that first time, you said this is your first time, as you said, down there, doesn't every guy think it's a little higher than it is?

1:15:23 Adam Yeah.

1:15:23 Caller When you first go down and go, oh my goodness, and you get there and go, oh, did I go one too low? And you go, no, no.

1:15:29 Adam Yeah, I never knew it. It sort of pointed toward the ground. I figured it just stood straight out. Like what you saw.

1:15:38 Drew Like an Indian drawing on the wall? Like some sort of primitive man's drawing of the female?

1:15:42 Adam Yeah, yeah. No, like a pencil sharpener or something. It's straight in, not up underneath the desk.

1:15:50 Caller I thought you stood up. Yeah, because it was horizontal to the ground.

1:15:54 Adam Here's the problem. We didn't have access to hardcore porn growing up. We saw this softcore porn, all these Emanuel movies and a diary of a English window cleaner and all this nonsense. And whenever they hump, they're like on top of each other. Like my impression of love making was the guy lies on top of the woman and does sort of a push-up maneuver, but flat on her like that. You know, I wasn't I wasn't thinking about going going down and up or in or you know what I'm talking about?

1:16:25 Caller Yeah.

1:16:25 Adam And when you see when you saw the picture like in Playboy, that was really my my other my another reference source for women is I thought the business end was sort of where the hair was up there at the top.

1:16:37 Caller I thought it was right behind there. Just looking at you right up the page while she was standing up.

1:16:41 Adam Yeah, that the hair was just sort of a curtain. You know, you just have to get past that.

1:16:44 Drew A prehistoric man would express themselves about sort of displaying what they thought the image of woman was when they drawn the cave walls and stuff. So it would look about like what you guys expected.

1:16:53 Adam That was it, yeah. So the idea that it was sort of tucked up in there was a surprise. I'm still shocked and dismayed. On 35, I haven't gotten over it yet. Each time, each new vagina I see, I never get over it.

1:17:07 Drew Keep looking for the real one.

1:17:09 Adam That's right. Where's the one I grew up picturing?

1:17:14 Drew So Sean, please, you sound pretty good spirits about this. She is not somebody you probably want to stay involved with. She's got a lot of stuff going on.

1:17:21 Caller Oh yeah. Take your time. Get her to come work on your time.

1:17:25 Drew Somebody you have a relationship with, you can take your time with. That's where it's at.

1:17:28 Adam And when the light's out, that's tough too, when you don't know what's going on in there. Frank?

1:17:33 Drew He wants to date you. Hey, what's up guys?

1:17:34 Adam Hey, whatever it takes. Frank, you could do worse by the way, Matthew, really. I can work on the house and work on the car. Oh, very handy. And listen, we'll sit around and watch sports all god damn day. It'll be, you know, we'll take turns getting each other beer and then we'll go out to strip joints at night. It'll be the greatest date you ever had in your life. Frank?

1:17:55 Caller Yeah, what's up guys?

1:17:56 Adam Alright, so you're 22, your girlfriend is a foot faddish.

1:18:00 Caller Yeah, it's pretty serious. She's kind of obsessed with feet. I have a problem though. I have a little bit of jock, or not jock, athlete's foot.

1:18:08 Drew Why don't you treat that?

1:18:10 Caller I'm trying.

1:18:11 Drew What are you doing?

1:18:12 Caller Using some gold bond.

1:18:13 Drew Oh, please.

1:18:14 Caller I don't know how well that's worked.

1:18:15 Drew Oh my god, Frank is a loveline caller.

1:18:18 Adam What do you mean? Don't you dump gold bond?

1:18:20 Drew Gold bond is like an anesthetic. It's like to help the itching. It doesn't do anything to the problem.

1:18:24 Adam It doesn't kill the fungus?

1:18:25 That's not even the worst part of it.

1:18:27 Drew Oh no.

1:18:27 Caller My big toe is like cracking down the middle. It's green.

1:18:31 Green?

1:18:32 Drew Well, that's fungus. Yeah, it's bad.

1:18:35 Adam What a combination. You find the one-foot fetishist in America who's female and she's dating a guy with a Chia foot.

1:18:44 Drew Do you like work in boots or something?

1:18:47 Caller Yeah, work in boots.

1:18:50 Caller I always wear socks whenever we make love.

1:18:53 Caller Let her go down and suck my toes one time in the dark, of course.

1:18:57 Drew Did she throw up?

1:18:58 Caller Oh, my God.

1:18:59 Drew Here's what you do. You get some Lottreman AF. You put that on at night. In the morning, after you take your shower, take a hand-held hairdryer and dry in between your toes off till it is bone dry. Okay. Try to change your socks regularly and don't leave your feet for long periods of time in those shoes.

1:19:15 Adam What do you do? You play the role of a cowboy in an all-new review?

1:19:19 Caller Keep those lights off till it gets better.

1:19:21 Caller Yeah, it is bad.

1:19:22 Caller I think a piece of hair broke off in her mouth.

1:19:24 Adam What do you do? What do you do? Jesus Christ. It is like he is a leper. What a combo.

1:19:30 Caller One time she did this.

1:19:31 Caller I can't help it though.

1:19:32 Adam What do you do for a living?

1:19:33 Drew I just told you how to help.

1:19:34 Adam What do you do with those boots?

1:19:36 Drew There are medicines to clear up the toenail too if it is really a problem because at your age it should be able to be treated.

1:19:40 Adam What do you do with those boots?

1:19:42 Drew Unless you are diabetic.

1:19:43 Adam I keep them in the garage. No, but what do you do for a living, Goopal?

1:19:46 Caller What do I do for a living?

1:19:47 Adam I am unemployed. You are unemployed? Why do you have to put boots on if you are unemployed?

1:19:54 Caller I do miscellaneous jobs, you know.

1:19:56 Adam I understand, but put some sandals on. Yeah, you have to air it out, everyone. That is where that fungus is. It is the reason you don't get fungus on the hood of your car, but you get fungus underneath your house, right? I mean in damp, moist, dark places. That is where it grows. Same theory, right?

1:20:17 Drew It likes wet. Yes.

1:20:19 Adam Thank you. Michael?

1:20:22 Caller Hey, what's up?

1:20:22 Adam You are 15.

1:20:23 Caller Yeah.

1:20:24 Adam U571.

1:20:26 Caller I can't wait to see that movie.

1:20:28 Adam All right.

1:20:29 Drew Good answer.

1:20:30 Adam So what's up, Michael?

1:20:32 Caller It happens to be like a couple of days ago, I started masturbating, and I got this like extremely sharp pain in the back of my head.

1:20:39 Drew As you masturbated?

1:20:41 Caller Yeah, as I masturbated and like at the end.

1:20:45 Drew Was there any neck stiffness with this?

1:20:47 Adam Was it your mom hitting you with a rolled up newspaper?

1:20:49 Drew Rolling pin.

1:20:50 Adam No.

1:20:51 Drew Any neck stiffness with this?

1:20:53 Caller What?

1:20:53 Drew Did your neck get stiff?

1:20:55 Caller No.

1:20:55 Drew Did it go away right away?

1:20:57 Caller No, it took about like an hour and a half.

1:20:59 Drew Did you feel confused or change your vision?

1:21:01 Caller I was extremely dizzy and...

1:21:03 Caller All right.

1:21:04 Drew It is important that you see a doctor about this.

1:21:06 Caller Okay.

1:21:06 Drew Okay. There can be migraines, but there also can be bleeding into the brain, something called aneurysms. And usually that's described as sort of like a lightning bolt, like the worst headache of one's life, often associated with neck stiffness. But the weakness and confusion and dizziness, that kind of stuff, that is a sign that you must talk to your doctor immediately. If it happens again, talk right away. Otherwise, see him or her tomorrow.

1:21:30 Adam Probably God punishing him for masturbating, would you say?

1:21:34 Drew No, no. It's just one of those things. Don't do this.

1:21:36 Caller Let this kid sleep tonight.

1:21:38 Drew Michael, talk to your doctor tomorrow about it, okay? Oh, wait.

1:21:41 Caller Can I make a shout out?

1:21:42 Adam Yeah. Hey, Michael, you should make a shout out to a brain surgeon because you may have hemorrhaging.

1:21:49 Caller What can be the bad things about it? What could happen to me?

1:21:52 Drew A lot of things. I don't want to freak you out, but you've got to promise me you'll talk to your doctor, okay?

1:21:56 Adam Does he have to tell him he was beaten off?

1:21:59 Drew No. Just tell me, is it a terrible headache associated with dizziness?

1:22:02 Adam Well, shouldn't he tell him?

1:22:02 Caller Is this your first time you just started this?

1:22:04 Adam Well, he said it was his first time, right? Michael?

1:22:07 Caller Yeah?

1:22:07 Adam This was your first time?

1:22:09 Caller Um, yeah.

1:22:11 Caller But it wasn't like extremely dizziness.

1:22:13 Caller It was just a little bit when I started walking.

1:22:16 Drew That's fine. You just got to talk to the doctor about it, right? You've got to support him.

1:22:20 Adam We've had this call before.

1:22:22 Drew Well, the last one we had was a guy who said he was the worst headache of his life and he had neck stiffness. I mean, that is an aneurysm. That guy is sent to the emergency room right then.

1:22:30 Adam Yeah.

1:22:31 Drew There's this, you know, maybe nothing. There can be headaches after this kind of thing. But the quality, anything, any vision change, any mental status change, any balance change, all that. I mean, this is where the balance centers are. And so if he's dizzy and his headache back there, that's a concern.

1:22:44 Adam All right. Matthew, when, how old were you when you started at yourself?

1:22:49 Caller It was 15.

1:22:51 Adam 15.

1:22:52 Caller I got one of those new shower heads, you know, that's got the jig, jig, jig, jig, jig, drop soap popped up, it'd be in the right spot. I went, well, that's a nice spot. I kind of hung out there for a minute.

1:23:02 Drew Adam had a toothbrush.

1:23:03 Adam I had an electric toothbrush. It wasn't even mine. It was my body's. It's like, hey, you beating off? I know. Here, put this on your penis. You'll be beaten off.

1:23:11 Caller I said, all right.

1:23:12 Caller We had a thing. Our mom wouldn't let us lock the doors, either to the bedroom or the bathroom.

1:23:17 Drew Oh, mom. What is she thinking? I think I'm going to have a special room set aside.

1:23:22 Adam Wow.

1:23:22 Drew With the special padlocks and hoses and drains in the middle of the room.

1:23:26 Adam I'm going to have a place called the monkey cage. You have big drain in the center of the floor, hose bib on the side. Yeah, absolutely. Guatemala guy and big rubber waiters coming in and hosing the place down.

1:23:39 Drew And a VCR or something.

1:23:40 Adam Waterproof VCR, one of those yellow VCRs with laminated porn everywhere. I'm telling you, that is- Four dimensional. One of the most basic inventions that no one has done yet is laminated porn. Porn you can take in the shower with you.

1:23:57 Drew You should have talked to Larry Flint when he was in here.

1:23:59 Adam I did yell that at that idiot. Yeah, you know Larry is in no condition. I'm trying to get hold of him actually right now to do something with him. Alright, where the hell are we going over here? I don't know why I thought that changed. Ryan?

1:24:14 Caller Yeah.

1:24:14 Adam You're 16?

1:24:15 Caller Yeah.

1:24:16 Adam What's up?

1:24:17 Caller My girlfriend is allergic to the morning after pills.

1:24:20 Drew What do you mean she's allergic?

1:24:23 Caller She told me she's allergic to them.

1:24:24 Drew What does that mean, allergic?

1:24:26 Caller I don't know what, throwing up or something.

1:24:28 Drew Well, throwing up is not an allergy. That is a typical side effect of that medication.

1:24:32 Caller Maybe it turns some ill.

1:24:33 Drew Well, if it's throwing up, she should ask the doctor for some anti-throw up medicine at the same time she takes the pill and try Plan B instead of Prevent. Plan B doesn't cause so much nausea. There is no, a true allergy to that would be very, very unusual.

1:24:48 Adam Well.

1:24:49 Drew And it's not nausea.

1:24:50 Adam No, but listen, people use that pretty loosely, that term allergic to. You put something in your mouth, you throw it up, people say they're allergic to it.

1:24:57 Drew That's not allergic.

1:24:57 Adam Yeah, but it doesn't, it doesn't matter because if you vomit, whatever you put in your mouth, you got to correct it in whatever way, whatever, whatever you want to call it. Rebecca?

1:25:06 Caller Yeah.

1:25:07 Adam Hey, I don't care what time it is. I saw a 34 double, 36 double D boob up there. I went right to it. Rebecca?

1:25:13 Caller Yeah.

1:25:13 Adam You're 29.

1:25:14 Caller Yeah. First of all, Matthew, I love you. Hey there, Rebecca. I'm a big fan. Thank you. Okay, Dr. Drew, I have a question. Okay, a while ago, I was put on lithium. I was about 130 pounds. I'm 5'10. I gained a lot of weight, 50 pounds. I went up to 200. When I was put on lithium, I was like a 34B. I was really kind of scraggly, no boobs. When I gained all the weight, I went up to a 36 double D. Then I started working out. They put me on a medication, Topamax, to help me lose the weight, also well buterin. Within another three months or so, I'd lost, well, three to six months, I'd lost the 50 pounds. Well, no, probably. Let me think. I lost 50 pounds. I gained 70 pounds first. Then I lost 50 pounds. My boobs have not lost anything. And I can't stand it.

1:26:24 Adam Let me tell you, explain what my penis has been going through for the last two and a half minutes. It's been like 36 double D. I was on lithium, I put on 75 pounds, my penis starts going down. You got the whistles. Then it started working out, started losing the weight, and my penis started to move back up again. My penis is completely disoriented and confused at this point.

1:26:43 Drew Your penis needs lithium.

1:26:45 Adam My penis needs lithium. It's had some swings.

1:26:49 Drew It's very dysfunctional.

1:26:50 Adam Thank you very much, Drew. My penis is very dysfunctional.

1:26:53 Drew Yes, indeed.

1:26:53 Adam All right. I say we'll take a break and then we'll get back. Or is this? Forget it. You're right. Rebecca? All right. So your boobs are still big, but you're smaller.

1:27:04 Caller Right. I'm trying to talk fast because I know you guys like to drag it out.

1:27:09 Adam This happened to me. I got up about 215, my scrotum put on about 15 pounds, and then I lost the weight and my scrotum was still tremendous.

1:27:20 Drew I don't know what to do with that. And you're still on topamax and the lbutrin, right?

1:27:25 Caller Right.

1:27:25 Drew And no birth control pills or any other hormones, anything of that sort?

1:27:28 Caller Well, I've been on a birth control pill for like the last six years.

1:27:32 Drew But that didn't start at the time of the lithium. That did not start at the time.

1:27:35 Caller No, no, no.

1:27:36 Drew And we want to...

1:27:37 Adam That's it. Just tell her what to do, Drew.

1:27:39 Drew Topamax is a new anti-seizure medicine, and I don't know if it has this kind of effect. Maybe the Topamax. Well, Butrin does not typically do this.

1:27:47 Adam Go ahead, Matthew.

1:27:48 Caller Well, you know, I mean, your breast size, large or small, that seems to be an aesthetic thing. I mean, how about getting that weight leveled out? Are you happy at the weight you're at?

1:27:57 Drew 150.

1:27:58 Caller The problem is, it's not the whole breast thing. It's the fact that it's hurting my back. I'm just uncomfortable. I don't really care about...

1:28:10 Adam All right. Well, why don't you try to get down to the 130 you're at when you're the B cup and see what happens? The breasts got to go eventually, as much as I hate to say. They just will. I mean, it's just math. I mean, it's fatty tissue. All right, Rebecca?

1:28:24 Drew And talk to your doctor about the Tobin Max.

1:28:27 Adam All right. Matthew McConnay is our guest tonight. That is Drew's pager. Who's calling you? Co-connection?

1:28:35 Drew Co-connection.

1:28:35 Adam All right. We'll take a little break and we'll be back after this.

1:28:44 Caller We'll be right back with more Love Line.

1:29:15 Caller I had to pin it on it. On a whole day with that, I was like, whoa.

1:29:18 Adam Matthew McConnay is our guest tonight. U-571 is the name of the movie. Suspense, action, guys sweating, and none of that BS shh scenes. That always happens in sub movies. I'm really glad to hear that. It'll be the first sub movie ever made where there wasn't a shh scene in it. Eric?

1:29:41 Caller Yeah.

1:29:41 Adam You're 25. What's up?

1:29:43 Caller Hey, I want to talk to you about the movie.

1:29:45 Caller Right on, Eric.

1:29:47 Caller Is this a diesel sub or a nuclear?

1:29:49 Caller No, this is diesel. This is World War II. WWII. So we head out in an S-33 and take over a U- And end up in a U-boat. Yeah.

1:29:58 Caller Right on.

1:29:58 Caller Yeah.

1:29:59 Caller Sounds cool. I just got done reading a book on submarines, and I guess those diesel boats were pretty dangerous and all.

1:30:10 Drew Would they just blow up on their own sometimes?

1:30:12 Caller Well, no. The guys were basically getting fumigated the whole time from the diesel fumes. They got to come up and snorkel every so often and get air. And if they were under attack, the guys would have to stay down and almost nearly suffocate.

1:30:31 Adam Yeah. It's bad. I mean, now with the nuclear ones, they can stay down for months.

1:30:36 Caller You know what?

1:30:36 Adam Yeah.

1:30:36 Caller You know what's wild? They can stay down. You know, the reason they have to come back up now is for food and water.

1:30:42 Drew That's it.

1:30:42 Adam Oh, yeah.

1:30:42 Caller Basic elements.

1:30:43 Adam Yeah, they can stay down indefinite.

1:30:45 Caller Forever if the men can handle it. Yeah.

1:30:47 Adam And, God, that whole sub thing is weird. I mean, first off, the idea that, you know, I remember like when the German Wolfpack was in the shipping lanes and they're taking all these merchant ships down. Imagine this, everybody. Imagine you're in the middle of the Atlantic or the Pacific somewhere, you're in, you're going right through these lanes where all these German U-boats are, and you're in some big merchant ship. And how could you sleep on that ship knowing that at 5 in the morning, 3 in the morning, 12, pitch the black of night, cold as hell, that you're just going to get torpedoed?

1:31:24 Drew It's likely to happen. I mean.

1:31:25 Adam It's likely to happen. Yeah. It wasn't like one out of every 20 ships was getting hit. When they were in their prime, less than half were making it through.

1:31:32 Caller That's what the enigma was about, is that they didn't know exactly where we were, and all of our allied freighters as well, and they had to zero it in. They were sinking 30 ships to the one that we were sinking in theirs.

1:31:42 Adam And they were at the point, by the way, where they wouldn't even want to waste a torpedo. What they would do is they'd just pull up in front of these freighters, and they'd just say, hey, everyone into the water, and then they'd just fire it out of their, like had like a howitzer cannon on the deck, you know, the cannon on the deck. Because they only had, yeah, because you think about it, you leave port, you only have so many torpedoes on board, and you don't want to waste them where you don't have to. Here's some pussy merchant marine ship, the bunch of French guys on it. Hey, Frenchy, jump in the water, we're going to blow the ship up. And that's what they would do. They just shoot it down, and they were sort of civil about it. I mean, there's one thing that's-

1:32:21 Drew Wait a minute, the guys would die in the water. What are you talking about?

1:32:24 Adam No, yeah, but they'd let them get on lifeboats and stuff. You know, the one thing that's different about the mariner stuff, the Navy, it's old, and there's like, I mean, all of it's old, but what I'm saying is there's a little bit of this spirit of the seaman kind of thing, where they'd like pick people up or give them a chance to get off and get onto the boat, and then they'd blow the boat up. Well, you're still floating out in the middle of the Atlantic somewhere with an hour's worth of water on you, but at least they didn't shoot you while you're climbing off the side of the ship. You know what I'm saying?

1:32:58 Drew Which eventually they did.

1:32:59 Adam Eventually, yeah, they got to it. I'll tell you, I'll tell you the freakiest, oh, there's great stories. It's the eeriest thing in the world. You know, like when the Bismarck sunk the Hood, the Bismarck was a huge German battleship they thought was unsinkable. It sunk a English ship called the Hood. The Hood had like 1,485 sailors on it. Two guys lived, two, two dudes. I mean, imagine you're on a ship with 1,400 and change, almost 1,500 guys, you're living on that ship with these guys, day in and day out, years. All your buddies, whatever, pow, torpedoed, thing goes in, you and another guy floating in the water. That's it, all 1,478 of the rest of the guys down.

1:33:45 Caller That's a pretty good conversation.

1:33:46 Adam How do you go through life? What do you do? And you go, what do you do? Work at a shoe store? You know what I mean?

1:33:54 Caller Probably hang out with that dude a little bit.

1:33:57 Adam I wonder if they even knew each other before that. Michelle, you're 21, what's up?

1:34:05 Caller Okay, I just moved in with this girl about 2 weeks ago and I really didn't know much about her and I find out that she has herpes and I was just wondering how do you get herpes?

1:34:17 Drew You have sex with her?

1:34:18 Caller No, I don't. I was just wondering if I could get it from the same toilet or something like that.

1:34:22 Adam Hold on, Loveline Recreation. Loveline Recreation, alright, we don't do enough of these, Drew. How do I get it? You play the role of you. Matthew, pay attention here because I'm going to play a female in this role. I want you to see my range. I like to see my range on this one.

1:34:40 Drew How do you get herpes?

1:34:42 Adam I just moved in with a roommate and she has herpes and I want to know how do I get herpes?

1:34:48 Drew You have sex with her?

1:34:49 Adam No, I'm not. I want to know if I can get it from the toilet seat. Michelle? Yeah. All right.

1:34:59 Caller That was pretty good.

1:35:00 Adam Drew's a thank you. That's right.

1:35:02 Caller The versatility we're talking about.

1:35:03 Adam Tell that to Dino.

1:35:04 Caller I'm glad I'm here.

1:35:06 Adam All right. Drew's allegations aside, you're not actually having sex with her?

1:35:12 Caller No, because I barely know her and I just moved in with her.

1:35:14 Adam I see. All right. So you're going to give it a couple of weeks before you guys actually have a lesbian relationship.

1:35:19 Caller No, I'm straight.

1:35:20 Adam Oh, I see.

1:35:21 Drew Look, you actually can get it, and all kidding aside, you really can't get it from toilet seats, but you can get it from wet towels, okay?

1:35:28 Caller If I use her towels?

1:35:30 Drew Yeah, towels could do it. I mean, if she's rubbing her genitalia with the towels and then you touch them to your genitalia.

1:35:37 Adam If she's using your pillowcase for a crotch shammy.

1:35:40 Drew It would be a very, very unusual way to get it. It really is something people get by having sex.

1:35:46 Adam I've never heard of the crotch shammy, but if someone advertised it late enough and I was stoned enough.

1:35:51 Drew You'd buy it.

1:35:51 Adam Put me down. Yeah. Yeah. You know what's funny on those infomercials? I was just thinking about this because someone's asked me about the Wonder Mop I bought when I was stoned a year and a half ago for like 45 bucks. What's the Wonder Mop? Well, it's a mop. You wonder how stoned you were when you bought it. It's basically what it shows up. No, it was a mop that I should have never bought the goddamn thing. It was like they filmed it at the Sea World. Shamu jumped and splashed a bunch of waters. The mop took the whole thing up.

1:36:22 Caller What sense did it make at the time though? Because when it was genius, it was a genius thing to buy at the time.

1:36:25 Adam It made a ton of sense at 4 a.m. Yeah, I thought I was king of the world. But the point is, whenever they throw in another one of the exact same thing for no extra cost, it probably means the first one ain't that great. You can really think about it. You're buying a car, and you're bowed out the door of the thing, and the guy says, hey, I'll tell you what, I'm gonna toss in another one. Same thing, another one. You'd have to worry just a little bit about the quality of the first one.

1:36:49 Caller They always remind you that even though one of them is really worth four times as much as they're offering for two.

1:36:55 Adam We're gonna throw it, but we're still gonna throw the second one in. And I like when they go, I like when they go, if you call in the next hour, we're gonna do this.

1:37:02 Caller How about the ticker? The ticker, how many we got left?

1:37:05 Adam Yeah, it's all, like I said, when you're stoned, it all makes sense. All right, we're gonna take ourselves a little break. Matthew McConaughey is our guest, and we'll be back after this.

1:37:15 Caller Loveline, 1-800-LOVE-191, back in a minute.

1:37:18 Adam Well, it's worth hearing. Well, that about does it for another exciting episode of The Best of Loveline.

1:37:52 Drew They really are good. We should do more of these.

1:37:54 Adam Yeah. Can I finish the goddamn word love line before you hop in there? Tomorrow night, David Arquette, STP, Henry Rollins, and Cisco. And until then, this Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying, mahalo. Well now.

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Wednesday, June 21, 2000