Episode 1000739182338

0:04 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually oriented content.

0:06 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually oriented content.

0:09 Voiceover Discretion is advised. We had a petition, the cast got together.

0:15 Drew Stop, you're going to be on this show for a long time. Did just consult the Magic 8 Ball, will this thing end ever?

0:21 Patton Oswalt No, they told us never.

0:23 Drew Never.

0:24 Patton Oswalt It's really sad.

0:25 Drew Monday is 8 p.m. on CBS. But I've got a new... Go ahead.

0:29 Patton Oswalt Yeah, I have a new show. I'm the star of UPN's Veronica Mars, which I'm very excited about. Please watch that. I'm very different from my Spence character, looking very cute.

0:40 Drew What time is that?

0:42 Patton Oswalt That's Wednesdays, 9 o'clock, Veronica Mars. I'm the star of that.

0:45 Drew And then you just had a Comedians of Comedy. Is that still...

0:49 Patton Oswalt Comedians of Comedy. Yeah, that show, that's a Comedy Central show, Friday night, 11 o'clock, on Comedy Central, me and three friends in a van, smelling badly, but you don't smell us, but you do see and hear us on the road.

1:04 Drew And is that airing repeatedly, or does that have a particular date or time?

1:07 Patton Oswalt Well, it's Comedy Central, so the only... the new episodes premiere every Friday at 11, but then they only repeat them 41 times during the week. So try to catch the Friday show.

1:21 Drew Like Mad TV and Free Veronica Mars where there will be a line of a makeup and stylish clothing to follow that.

1:27 Patton Oswalt Yeah, there'll be a cent. I have a workout DVD coming out that I'm very excited about. You need to buy an eight foot stick with that, but it helps the workout. And then some low carb, carbonated. Low carb, but they're carbonated. It's not low carbonation, it's low carb carbonated drinks. That's why it's kind of a twist. Just something, you know, I'm from the street, so.

1:53 Drew So now listen, Mad TV is somebody you've written for for a long time, right?

1:57 Patton Oswalt No, I wrote for Mad TV for the first two seasons, but I was such a dick that they fired me.

2:03 Drew Seriously?

2:03 Patton Oswalt With good reason. Yeah.

2:05 Drew Seriously?

2:06 Patton Oswalt Well, they didn't ask me to come back for the third season.

2:09 Drew Well, it's a little different than fired.

2:11 Patton Oswalt Yeah, but I look back and I totally support that decision, because I was such a douche.

2:15 Drew What'd you do?

2:17 Patton Oswalt I had the worst attitude, and I was like this comedy Nazi. I think I was frustrated by all the network notes that we got, and I was also frustrated by the fact that I wasn't writing on Mr. Show. I funneled all my anger into people that had nothing to do with my plight.

2:35 Drew Right.

2:36 Patton Oswalt Does that make sense?

2:37 Drew Yes, it was all the makers of bad television you were angry at.

2:40 Patton Oswalt Yeah, it was more like I was angry at the gods, but I took it out on the producers. And the producers were in just as bad a predicament as I was, because they were getting the same awful network notes. But I was too much of a wuss bag to yell at the network. I just yelled at them.

2:55 Drew I think I saw you do a stand up on there once? No. No? Never. The show goes on and on at Comedy Central though, it just never ends there.

3:06 Patton Oswalt Not just on Comedy Central, it goes on and on on Fox. Aren't they like their 10th season?

3:12 Drew Yes. It just keeps coming. Now listen, back to the comedians of comedy. Now comedians are sort of an interesting group, right?

3:22 Patton Oswalt Well, if by interesting you mean sad and antisocial, yeah.

3:25 Drew Sick, antisocial, yeah. Disturbed. Where does that come from?

3:32 Patton Oswalt I think it comes from the fact that to become a successful comedian, I think you have to not be in control of a lot of stuff that other people are in control of that make them socially palatable. Does that make sense?

3:45 Drew Kind of.

3:46 Patton Oswalt Stuff like anger and resentment, jealousy, envy and self-loathing, really, if you are in touch with those, that makes you a pretty good comedian. And also the stuff that tends to like make people bummed out and they just kind of dwell in it for a second and then try to think of something happy, instead of moving on to the happy thing, we dwell on the really bad thing and try to make that funny. It's almost like the way, yeah, like we're so, I don't know, I guess it's like the way like homicide cops just keep, are so obsessed with murder and misery and trying to fix it, even though there's way too much of it. Comedians in our own weak way are the same way.

4:28 Drew Nice.

4:29 Patton Oswalt So you get to watch that, man, I'm so not selling this show right now.

4:32 Drew No, it's good. It's the worst.

4:36 Patton Oswalt If you watch this show, you'll start bleeding out of your eyes and get cancer. So Friday is 11 o'clock. Make sure to tune in.

4:41 Drew All right. I want to take some calls. But I also want to hear something about you and the UK. I'm reading some stuff about you having been in the Kilkenny Comedy Festival.

4:48 Patton Oswalt Oh, yeah.

4:49 Drew But an American comedian, how does that work?

4:53 Patton Oswalt It ended up working pretty well. I was shocked too. I went over there and I was a little worried because half of my bits are about local ads in LA and the other half are about me farting. So I was like, I don't know if this is going to translate internationally. But apparently they have bad TV there too and people fart in the United Kingdom.

5:14 Drew So it was wonderful. In fact, I remember when I first went to England, I was like in college age and I was sort of struck by, there was very little sexual humor but a lot of potty humor.

5:25 A lot.

5:26 Patton Oswalt A lot of potty humor, a lot of puns, a lot of like wordplay and a lot of like weird winking stuff amongst a lot of their comedians. It's almost like their form of, here's what's really weird. I know this is going to sound kind of lame but what's big, comedy wise over there right now as far as stand-up is concerned and their TV shows are ten times more evolved than our TV shows, comedy wise. But stand-up wise, they're still kind of frozen in like the mid to late 80s as stand-ups. So I got to, not that I'm some innovative comedian, but because of the people I hang around with, I'm a little further along because of my peer group. So I got a taste of what it must have been like to be someone who was ten years ahead of their time as a comedian some nights. You know, just audiences going, what is it? Like there's no obvious set up and then twist on a word and then you know, you know what I'm saying?

6:21 Drew Yes, yes. Well, here's somebody, one of our callers, has a question for you about comedy. It's Aaron 21.

6:26 Patton Oswalt Aaron.

6:27 Patton Oswalt Hi, Patton.

6:28 Patton Oswalt Hey, man.

6:29 Patton Oswalt Hey, I just want to say I saw you up in Seattle at Bumper Shoot and that was awesome.

6:33 Patton Oswalt Oh, thanks, man. Oh, thanks. You came out to Bumper Shoot.

6:36 Patton Oswalt Yeah, and that was just the whole of the comedy festival there was really good.

6:39 Patton Oswalt Yeah. Well, that's not a good way to judge a comedian because the crowds up there are so good, that even if you're a bad comedian, you can end up doing really well.

6:49 Drew And Aaron, you have a question?

6:51 Patton Oswalt My question was, how old were you when you got into stand up and how did you go about it?

6:57 Patton Oswalt I was 19 and I started doing open mics in Washington, DC.

7:01 Drew More importantly, why did you go about it? What was motivating you?

7:04 Patton Oswalt What was motivating me was it was between my freshman and sophomore year of college and I really had hit a point where I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. So I'm sure you've, I was going to college back in Virginia, this place called William & Mary.

7:18 Drew Oh yeah.

7:18 Patton Oswalt And I'm sure you've had this summer too where you try like 15 different things, like desperately trying to figure out what you're supposed to do.

7:26 Drew I'm still having summers like that.

7:28 Patton Oswalt I'm sure I have those summers coming up. But that was the one thing where I did it and there was zero reward, like it went badly and the set was awful, but I kept going back for more. So that was my yardstick on judging, oh, I should probably do this because the other things I was doing, I would get a paycheck for doing them, but I wasn't excited. You know, like the minute something would go wrong, I would just quit, but comedy, nothing ever went right for like the first 40 years and I kept going back. So I used that as, oh, I should do this.

8:02 Drew That's how you know you're in love.

8:04 Patton Oswalt Exactly. Yeah, when you just keep... You know what, that's how heroin addiction started, I think. Same way.

8:10 Drew That does the same thing, yes, except that does a little something for you.

8:13 Patton Oswalt There is a huge reward at the end.

8:16 Drew Of comedy? Excuse me.

8:20 Patton Oswalt I'm going to leave that open.

8:22 Drew Open-ended just for our listeners' imagination. This is Rachel, who is 22. The phone number here is 1-800-LOVE-191. Rachel, what's going on?

8:30 Okay, my question isn't about comedy at all.

8:32 Drew All right, hang up on her, Trev. We're going with the comedy talk.

8:35 Patton Oswalt Who cares? Hang up on her.

8:37 Drew Here we go. Loveline.

8:40 Patton Oswalt Rachel.

8:41 Drew I'm with Patton Oswalt. What's up, Rachel?

8:44 Patton Oswalt Hello?

8:45 Drew Oh, come on.

8:46 Patton Oswalt Oh, she took us seriously.

8:48 Drew Oh, come on. All right, you guys, I'm going to put her on hold. You guys see if you can get her back. This is Trent, who's 16. Trent?

8:54 Patton Oswalt Hey there, guys. How are you?

8:56 Drew Good.

8:56 Patton Oswalt What's up?

8:57 Patton Oswalt All right. Here's my question. Actually, first off, I love both shows, so keep it up.

9:01 Patton Oswalt Thank you.

9:02 Patton Oswalt And all right. Well, here's my question. Back in middle school, I don't know if you would say dated, but I was together with this girl, which doesn't really mean anything because it's middle school.

9:11 Patton Oswalt Yeah.

9:11 Patton Oswalt But years later, I'm in high school now, and I kind of always viewed her as like the best and the best I ever gotten, how I view how girls still are and what I should strive for. Is that because she was the first, and am I just really building her up, or was she really that good? And I just don't know what I'm talking about.

9:31 Drew Would you really peak out at 12? I doubt that it's a peak trend. Even if it were a peak, she's a different person now than she was when you peaked out.

9:40 Patton Oswalt Do you still know her? Do you still have contact with this girl?

9:43 Patton Oswalt I still have contact with her, and she's still the same girl I remember her as, but is she, or am I just remembering her as she was?

9:51 Patton Oswalt She's still 12?

9:52 No.

9:54 Patton Oswalt But I don't know, we switched schools, and I have a little bit of contact with her, but am I just remembering her as she was in my mind, or?

10:03 Drew Here's the deal, Trent. It is normal to idealize people you fall in love with, and the degree to which you idealize them is a complicated issue. In other words, many people at a young age will overly idealize because it is the first time, and it is intense, and it is something that's difficult to sort of negotiate in a balanced way. It just overwhelms you. All the kinds of neurons start firing that have been dormant your whole life, basically. And I suspect more than not that's what you're dealing with here. On the other hand, idealization is something that's required to fall in love. That's what we just do when we fall in love with somebody. So this may be just... have you fallen in love since then? I don't think so. I think when you fall in love again, magically the degree to which this young 12 year old has a lock on you will suddenly and magically dissipate.

10:51 Patton Oswalt I gotta say, I don't want to be harsh, but you're 16 years old and you're gonna fall in love very big, very deep, much bigger and deeper than you fell in love with this girl in a few years. So just don't anticipate it, but that's what's gonna happen.

11:08 Drew That's one of the most profound things I've ever seen her Patton say. I mean, I'm shocked.

11:13 Patton Oswalt Also, masturbate to amputee porn.

11:15 Drew Okay.

11:16 Patton Oswalt I didn't want to blow my image.

11:18 Drew Rachel 25.

11:19 Patton Oswalt Oh, Rachel's back.

11:20 Drew Yes. No, different Rachel.

11:21 Patton Oswalt Hang up on her.

11:22 Drew What's going on? No, different Rachel.

11:23 I'm kidding.

11:25 Drew What's up, Rachel?

11:26 Hi. I have a question for Dr. Drew.

11:30 Drew Yes, ma'am.

11:31 I am thinking about, actually, I am. I've got the papers, divorcing my husband. And long story short, we've been together for about nine years, eight years, and he had an affair on me that was pretty long-standing for me. I mean, it was probably about four months, whether or not...

11:53 Drew Let's get some details here. You're 25 years old. How old is he and how old was he when this all started?

11:59 Caller Um, he's 30. It all started last year.

12:03 Drew He was 29.

12:05 Caller We've been friends since I was 14.

12:08 Drew Whoa, what do you mean, friends?

12:09 Patton Oswalt Whoa, wait a minute. You've been together or you've been friends since you were 14?

12:13 Caller We've been friends since I was 14.

12:15 Patton Oswalt So he was 19, you were 14 when you met, and then he married you when you were 16?

12:19 Caller No, no, no, no, no.

12:20 Patton Oswalt I'm confused.

12:21 Caller We've been married for five years. We've been together for eight years, and I've known him since I was 14.

12:27 Drew Still a little weird, but go ahead.

12:30 Patton Oswalt What NASCAR driver are you guys fans of? Oh, sorry, that was mean.

12:34 Caller That was, I couldn't help. So he had an affair on me about a year ago.

12:43 Drew She wants to enjoy her people's music for a second. So what was that now? He had an affair for four months. Who was the woman?

12:55 Caller Somebody he met through his job.

12:59 Drew Somebody at work.

13:01 Caller Yeah, I can kind of say that. He's self-employed. She was not anything like me, completely stepped down from me.

13:09 Patton Oswalt He's self-employed, so he was someone who was working for him.

13:14 Caller Yeah.

13:16 Drew Rachel, you have to not speak in codes, okay?

13:19 Patton Oswalt Can I just ask Rachel a quick question? What were the circumstances when you guys met? Was he, because he was 14, he was 19?

13:30 Drew Did he have a girlfriend then?

13:31 Caller He did have a girlfriend at the time, and then when we finally got together, both of us were single.

13:36 Patton Oswalt All right. Where were you?

13:37 Drew Anyway, so he cheated.

13:38 Caller All right.

13:39 Drew Yeah, he cheated. And now you want to have a divorce because of that transgression or has something else been happening?

13:43 Caller No, it's been a year. We've been trying to work on things. I thought about leaving him for years before that actually happened. I was just kind of like the tip of the iceberg for me.

13:52 Drew Why? Well, tell us more. What's the deal?

13:55 Caller Just because the way he treated me, I didn't think was very fair.

14:00 Drew You're speaking, Rachel. Code again. You're talking in code. Yeah. Real specific. We don't know you. And no one is anyone else listening. So you've got to be real specific. He treated me. What did he do?

14:09 Caller Very verbally and emotionally abusive.

14:12 Drew Okay. Well, that's a good reason to get out of a relationship right there. And has he been willing to do any therapy or anything with you?

14:17 Caller He says he was, but he doesn't make the first step to do it. I actually got into counseling and I went for a while. And he never, you know, said, hey, let me go with you, even though I have to.

14:28 Drew Drugs are alcohol involved with this?

14:29 Caller No.

14:30 Drew Not at all.

14:31 Caller No, I grew up with alcoholics. That's the last thing that I want to do.

14:34 Drew Yeah, but Rachel, magically, when you grow up with alcoholics, you'll find your way to another alcoholic to marry. And even though he may not be out of control with his disease, this all kind of smacks of alcoholism to me.

14:45 Caller During the time that he got together with her, he was. He was drinking more than he ever had during our relationship.

14:50 Drew Okay, so this is the beginning of alcoholism.

14:53 Patton Oswalt What made him break up with her? Did you find out or he just broke up himself?

14:57 Caller I found out. I actually caught him there at her place on a couple of occasions.

15:02 Drew Please. All right, so good. All right, so this is over. And what's your question?

15:06 Caller My question is, we've been trying to work through it. I've tried to give what he said I was lacking, and he was able to do the things that I said were lacking in our marriage. But ultimately, I still keep going back to, I really love you, but I can't be with you. I just, I can't trust him anymore. I have that nagging thought in the back of my mind always, and I don't think that's very fair because it ends up controlling some of my actions.

15:29 Drew What happens? Like what do you do?

15:32 Caller Just going to the store for, you know, something. And when he would be gone longer than what he said he was going to be, I would start automatically thinking, okay. All right.

15:43 Drew So all this betrayal craziness. Okay. So what's your question?

15:47 Caller My question is, I've asked him for a divorce. I've got the papers to do it, but my son's birthday is next week. It's Christmas time.

15:59 Patton Oswalt You have a kid together? How many kids do you have?

16:01 Caller Just one.

16:03 Drew And the question is?

16:06 Caller The question is, I'm not so sure.

16:10 Patton Oswalt That's not a question.

16:11 Caller I know it's not a question. My guess, what I want somebody to do is just kind of let me know that I am making this decision for all the right reasons and not because I'm being selfish. He keeps telling me it's because I'm being selfish, because I work in a different class than he does and I'm some kind of elitist because I'm...

16:30 Drew Rachel, that is total BS. He's manipulating you. He's obfuscating. This is out of control manipulation and you're falling for it. You've been from an alcoholic family system. You're highly codependent. You have poor boundaries. You need to stay in that therapy. You need to work with your therapist on making these decisions, make them and stick by them. That's it. Your child, yes, needs to have a dad. And yes, of course, you'd want it to be a family. But he, frankly, is an alcoholic. I guarantee you he is. And this is the beginning of that. And I know he's an alcoholic because you selected him and are highly attracted to him. And he's not going to do it. Listen, I'm telling you, this is the truth.

17:07 Caller I'm attracted to all the wrong men, I'm aware of that.

17:09 Drew Yes, you are, because you're an alcoholic dad. And listen, you selected him, he's going to be a problem unless he is willing to do something about his disorder and you are going to do something about yours simultaneously, this isn't going to work. And it sounds like he is checking out, he's blaming you, he's manipulating you. This is going to get worse and this could even get physically abusive. So yes, I think you're doing the right thing. But you shouldn't be calling a radio show and making that decision based on what we tell you. You work with your therapist, decide what you want to do. Yes, maybe you want to wait till after the holidays on behalf of your child. That doesn't mean you're not going to follow through on these things. My goodness.

17:41 Patton Oswalt Although since she is calling a radio show, you should watch Comedians of Comedy Friday, December 2nd, 11 o'clock on Comedy Central. That will help.

17:49 Drew Of course. When is it? Friday?

17:51 Patton Oswalt Friday, December 2nd, 11 p.m. December 2nd. On Comedy Central.

17:55 Drew 11 p.m. I didn't get them right that time. Got it. Okay, this now is Lily who's 26.

18:00 Caller Hi.

18:01 Drew Hi, Lily.

18:02 Caller You're on the air.

18:04 Drew You're on the air. What's up?

18:05 Caller Okay, I have a question.

18:07 I've been dating this guy for about six months and he's asking me to do a lot of weird games and stuff like that with him sexually but now he's asking me to penetrate him from behind.

18:22 Drew When she says weird games, I think of like Twister.

18:24 Patton Oswalt I'm not sure I think about the penetration. By the way, what you just described, that's not a weird game. I mean, a game involves you do something then he does something. There's no game called, Hey, Penetrate Me From Behind. Remember that game?

18:39 Drew I used to play it as a kid, did you?

18:41 Patton Oswalt Yeah, there's no competition. It's not like you're going to try and then not do it and go, Hey, that was a fun game. I won. You didn't do it. He just wants it to happen.

18:50 Yeah, I know, but like...

18:52 Patton Oswalt Football isn't called, please score a touchdown on us. We'll let you do it. It's two people trying to prevent it from happening, so that's not a game.

19:00 Patton Oswalt Oh, my.

19:02 Well, the other things we've always done are like games. And now it's kind of like, it's like he wants it like to be like a prison rape scenario.

19:10 Drew Oh, boy. So again, I'm not sure that qualifies as a game. But anyway, what's your question?

19:15 Patton Oswalt So you'd be the you'd be the bull queer, like raping him.

19:20 Drew Oh, my.

19:20 Patton Oswalt Exactly. Oh, oh, my. Look, you know what? I remember that game from kindergarten.

19:26 Drew What did they call it back then?

19:28 Patton Oswalt I don't know, but it was right before Juice and Crackers. I know that we'd have that and we need a lot of crackers and juice after we're home. Boy, it was great.

19:36 Drew So, Lily, we would suspect something's up with your boyfriend. Something happened to him. Yeah, what happened to him?

19:42 Patton Oswalt I don't know. He didn't know.

19:43 He seems totally normal.

19:45 Patton Oswalt But do you guys live together? No, no. So he has his own apartment. Yes. Did he decorate it?

19:53 Drew No.

19:54 It looks like a regular guy's apartment would look.

19:57 Drew No, a lot of frame pictures or houseplants, nothing like that.

20:02 Yeah, like posters, stuff like that.

20:04 Drew Posters. All right. But Lily, okay, listen, here's the deal. You can play these games if you wish, if there's something that make you happy and things you want to do with him. If you do not, do not. I believe you're going down a path into fetishism here and that's going to take over your physical relationship and it's not-

20:22 Caller That's what I was worried about. I don't want it to be all like, let's try like up the ante every time, you know what I mean?

20:28 Drew I know what you mean, that's where it's going. That and it's, yes, that's up the ante is right. That's where it's going. And if you don't want to do that, don't. Very simple.

20:38 Patton Oswalt Although, you know, if a guy wants to fantasize like he's being prison raped, I mean, is there anything really, I mean, Drew, that's not that bad, is it? Like every now and then if you want to have that, right?

20:46 Drew Listen, nothing is, I wouldn't use words like bad or wrong or anything to apply to any of these things, but...

20:52 Patton Oswalt No, Drew, so you're saying it's not bad? Just say it's not bad.

20:56 Drew It's not bad.

20:57 Patton Oswalt All right, do you hear that, sweetie? I'm sorry, I just want my wife to listen to this. All right? He said it's fine. Jesus.

21:04 Drew But it's heading towards... It could be a little bit... It could mean trouble. Hillary 20.

21:14 I've been with my boyfriend for about two years, and we've always had a very interesting sex life. But now he's like wanting me to... He's wanting to pee in my mouth, and I'm not sure if that's normal or...

21:32 Drew Patton?

21:34 Patton Oswalt Again, if a guy needs to, you know, do some urine... No, that's... I don't know. Is it...

21:42 Drew Abnormal. I wouldn't do that.

21:44 Patton Oswalt I gotta say, of all the fetishism, the whole peeing on people things, probably because I'm just so OCD, I don't know, I've never understood that.

21:51 Drew It's nice and sterile though, Patton. It's sterile, urine sterile. I mean, what are you gonna do?

21:54 Patton Oswalt Is it? Absolutely. Urine is sterile.

21:57 Drew It's completely, it comes from inside the body, and unless it's infected, it's sterile. But here's the deal, Hillary. How do you get infected pee? You know, bacteria gets up into the urethral, and gets up into the bladder, get a bladder infection. And women get that more easily than men, because there's such a short distance from the outside world to the bladder.

22:15 Patton Oswalt And because the vagina is evil, right?

22:16 Drew The vagina is evil, and it's full of bacteria.

22:18 Patton Oswalt Because devils are attracted to it, demons and stuff.

22:19 Drew Well, there's lots of bugs in there, lots of organisms. You know, they're waiting to get you there, Patton, when you go in there.

22:23 Patton Oswalt That's where possums come from, right?

22:25 Drew And that's why you do the prison guard game, because so you avoid that area, see?

22:30 Patton Oswalt That is true.

22:31 Drew Okay. Hillary, the deal is, it's one thing, it's almost better, well, I don't want to use words like that. If he had asked you to do that to him, that's one thing, because that's what he wanted and it's not being imposed upon you, and although I don't know that I would want to participate in that. When he wants to do that to you, it's a bizarre, it's an unusual request, a bizarre request, and it's subjecting you to something you don't want anything to do with. Also, with this guy.

22:55 Patton Oswalt In the mouth is so specific, isn't it? I mean, I thought people just peed on each other.

22:59 Drew Yeah, it's so specific, it makes me think the call is bogus, frankly, but we'll take it and just say, we disapprove. We'll put that one under the bad category. Phone number is 1-800-LOVE-191. Patton Oswalt, Oswalt in here tonight, and we're learning a little bit about him. And so far, I make a list about our guest, and so far I've learned that you like Prison Guard games. That was right at the time.

23:19 Patton Oswalt No, that was actually a riff that just was so unfunny and lame.

23:22 Drew Prison Guard game. Well, we'll put it under your list.

23:24 Patton Oswalt All right, yeah, put it on there, yeah.

23:25 Drew And we got disturbed family system. We haven't found exactly what yet. Self-loathing and hatred, I think were the words you used. Self-loathing.

23:33 Patton Oswalt Oh yeah, that's self-loathing and hatred.

23:35 Drew Hatred, hatred, envy, and what was the other one? Jealousy. Envy and jealousy.

23:40 Patton Oswalt You know, I'm seeing my shrink tomorrow, so maybe I can get like a discount if this show goes well.

23:45 Drew No, no, no, I'm just going to put this on disc and you can just take it and put it on the Trink's computer and just say, there you go. It's a list of what happened last time. 1-800-LV-E-191. Patton Oswalt will be right back.

23:58 Caller Love Line will be right back.

24:11 Drew Loveline, 1-800-LOVE-191, Patton Oswalt in the studio with us tonight. You know I'm a Spence on King of Queens, Mondays 8 p.m. CBS. And now, Comedians of Comedy, is it right? Friday, December 2nd, 11 p.m. Comedy Central? Did I get that right?

24:25 Patton Oswalt Yeah, every Friday, 11 o'clock.

24:28 Drew Hey, every time I hear your name, seems like people want to put a D at the end of it. Is that just how I'm hearing it, or is that Lee Harvey Oswald's remnants left on our memories?

24:38 Patton Oswalt I think it's just like a mass memory thing. Yeah, I think people hear Oswald and they go, oh, it's a D, but it's a T.

24:45 Drew All right, let's take some time.

24:46 Patton Oswalt I'm going to change that when I eventually kill a world leader, but that'll take some time.

24:51 Drew This is Steve 22. Steve.

24:53 Patton Oswalt Hello.

24:54 Drew Hey, Steve, what's up?

24:56 Patton Oswalt This is Dr. Drew.

24:57 Drew Yes, sir.

24:58 Patton Oswalt Oh, wow. Hi. Okay. So the other night I went out drinking with some friends and then I came home and one of my friends, a girl, was passed out on my couch and I'd been drinking a little bit, but not that much. And I started masturbating to her like I was looking at her and masturbating.

25:19 Drew That kind of freaked you out?

25:22 Patton Oswalt Yeah. I think there's something kind of predatory about that. And I recognize that even as I was doing it.

25:28 You pansy!

25:30 Patton Oswalt It's kind of, it's a little bit stressful.

25:33 Drew Have you ever done anything like that before?

25:35 Patton Oswalt I never have. And I always thought I was really sensitive to sort of, you know, violation of women because...

25:42 You pansy!

25:44 Patton Oswalt Yeah, yeah. Because my girlfriend was raped and I... Wait a minute.

25:49 Patton Oswalt You have a girlfriend?

25:50 Patton Oswalt I have a girlfriend.

25:51 Patton Oswalt You have one now?

25:53 Patton Oswalt Yeah, I do.

25:54 Patton Oswalt Is she friends with a girl you masturbated to?

25:56 Patton Oswalt No.

25:57 Patton Oswalt Oh, this is some strange girl you were hanging out with?

26:00 Patton Oswalt Yeah, pretty much.

26:02 Drew Was your girlfriend there in the house with you at the time?

26:05 Patton Oswalt No.

26:07 Drew Would she be angry that you had another girl staying over?

26:11 Patton Oswalt No, I don't think so. The girl is a friend of my roommate, who was also a girl.

26:18 Drew What else is going on? I mean, that's sort of an aggressive act. I mean, what's been going on?

26:22 Patton Oswalt That doesn't sound like something you just suddenly do. Like, maybe there's other, like, you kind of lead up to it.

26:29 Patton Oswalt I guess, I mean, I've been having some issues with my girlfriend, like, the past week. But...

26:35 Patton Oswalt What, are you like, are you guys not having the sex that you like?

26:39 Patton Oswalt Um...

26:40 Patton Oswalt Not satisfying you, or...?

26:41 Patton Oswalt We never have as much sex as I like, but... It's more just like, she's been kind of like, uh... just mean to me. Like, unfriendly. And kind of antagonistic. I think, I think maybe in a sense I was getting back, you know, sort of covertly, but I'm not sure.

26:57 Drew Tell me a little bit about your upbringing. How was your family of origin?

27:01 Patton Oswalt Well, my parents were divorced, but it, they divorced when I was three, so that's all I've ever known. And I'm pretty happy with my parents. I don't have any resentment about that. I never had any sexual abuse or, you know, trauma. I was never beaten, never really verbally abused.

27:16 Drew And you grew up, did your mom raise you, or was your dad around?

27:19 Patton Oswalt My mom raised me. My dad was around. I saw him, you know, at least twice a month.

27:24 Drew Did you have other siblings?

27:26 Patton Oswalt No, I'm an only child.

27:28 Patton Oswalt Hmm.

27:30 Patton Oswalt I'm going to say, I know this is going to sound kind of radical. I would break up with your girlfriend because you're not happy with her, because I think if you stay with her, this behavior could get worse and worse if you, it sounds like you're sitting on a lot of resentment, resentment towards your girlfriend.

27:46 Patton Oswalt Yeah, there is some resentment, but I don't know. I've been with her for four years and I love her very much.

27:52 Patton Oswalt I don't think it was a week's worth of problems.

27:56 Drew Yeah, I kind of agree with Patton. Is this your first girlfriend?

28:00 Patton Oswalt No.

28:01 Drew Is this your second girlfriend?

28:04 Patton Oswalt I'd say like fourth or fifth.

28:06 Drew I mean, you were 18 when you got together with this one. How much of a girlfriend was it that you were having before that? You know what I'm saying? Those were sort of dating. Well, no.

28:13 Patton Oswalt Well, you know, I had like my first girlfriend at like 15 and then 16.

28:17 Patton Oswalt And that's not a girlfriend. I'm sorry. That's not a girlfriend.

28:21 Patton Oswalt Well, I was in college, so.

28:24 Drew College at 15?

28:26 Patton Oswalt College at 16.

28:28 Drew How did that happen?

28:29 Patton Oswalt I didn't go to fourth grade and I was a little young to begin with.

28:33 Drew Wow. Interesting. All right. Well, here's sort of my take on it. I kind of agree with Patton. Is that there seems to be something more boiling over here than you really consciously are aware of. It feels like aggression and resentment towards... Is this bogus by any chance?

28:45 Patton Oswalt No, it's not. I wish it were.

28:47 Drew Before I go launching into a... Yeah... .provisional explanation.

28:51 Patton Oswalt Whatever you're going to say.

28:51 Patton Oswalt Because by the way, this is word for word an episode of Full House. I have to say that. This is an episode of Full House.

28:58 Drew Was he looking at the twins or what? No.

29:01 Patton Oswalt It was weird. It was Willem Dafoe's first acting job. He played a delivery man in that one, but it was an episode of Full House. Anyway, go ahead. I'm sorry.

29:11 Drew I agree with Patton in that it seems to be sort of a boiling over of aggression or resentment, some negativity that you can't contain. Here's what you can do. You can not do that again. Okay? You can go ahead and not realize it was a bad thing, that you feel bad and sort of guilty and ashamed for having done it. Go ahead and not do it again. If you can't contain that and you see yourself starting to engage in other sorts of behaviors that are aggressive and uncharacteristic and compulsive and maybe sort of addictive in their quality, you got to look into it. Because it's suspicious that there's more here going on than meets the eye. And at 18, when you get involved with your first real long love relationship, it's the first time you've had to end a four year relationship. You don't even know when a relationship has run its course. All you know is you love this person, you want to dedicate the rest of your life. We put so much time into it. How can we possibly give it up with all we put into it? Hey, guess what? In four years from now, when you've had three more of these relationships, you won't let them last six months. You wouldn't have let this one last six months. But they have to run their course. You have to learn how you feel these kinds of relationships. And bad things happen late in these relationships as sort of symptoms of their need to terminate. And what Patton's getting at, I kind of agree with, that that may be what's going on here. So either you can stop or you can't. And if you can't, you're going to have to look into this. And you know, Patton, being raised by an only child, being raised by a mom, you can get some problematic feelings about women sometimes. You know?

30:32 Patton Oswalt Even if the mom is totally nice and supportive, there can be weirdness there. It doesn't take a lot to mess people up. I think people think that to get messed up, you need to be like molested or beaten. Someone can just look at you wrong on the wrong day when you're nine, and you could be up in a bell tower with a machine gun. Honestly, sometimes that's all it takes. On the other hand, people-

30:53 Drew Patton, the story?

30:54 Patton Oswalt No, I'm just saying that it's all relative because other people are raised and their parents are alcoholics and they're getting beaten and having sparklers thrown at them and they turn out totally fine like our president. So, there's no way to know what's going to happen.

31:08 Drew Sparklers thrown at them.

31:10 Patton Oswalt Yeah. Does that happen to you? Christmas is coming up and memories kind of surface.

31:17 Drew Yeah, prison guard.

31:18 Patton Oswalt I remember it as a very happy time, Drew. I'd like to move on. I just remember it as a very happy time because it was one of the few times my parents weren't beating each other up.

31:27 Drew Nice, nice.

31:28 Patton Oswalt Sophia, 26. Can we just please move on, Drew?

31:30 Drew Thank you, Sophia. Hi there. You're on the air.

31:34 Hi.

31:36 Caller Actually, I just had a quick question. I was wondering, can a guy tell by having sex with a girl who hasn't had kids and a girl who has, like if you have a lot of kids, are you looser than a girl who has never had kids?

31:52 Drew Patton, you have kids?

31:53 Caller I'm sorry?

31:54 Patton Oswalt No, I have no kids.

31:56 Drew You're married though, right?

31:57 Caller Yeah. Who, me?

31:59 Drew No, no, I'm talking to her. She asked Patton Oswalt. Sophia, yes, it's possible that a guy could tell the difference, but it's not necessarily the case that he could. In a particular younger ages, women don't event, younger ages, one baby, there may be very little change that a guy might well not notice.

32:18 Oh, can.

32:19 Patton Oswalt You can always fall back on, look, I was smuggling cans of Van Camp beans in New Mexico to help orphans. That's an excuse that a lot of girls I know have used, and the guy respects you because you're helping out orphans with the baked beans.

32:32 Drew You didn't know about that one, Sophia? You didn't know?

32:34 I'm sorry?

32:35 Drew You didn't know about that one?

32:36 No.

32:37 Patton Oswalt It works. The guys really respect you.

32:40 Oh, but I had one more question.

32:42 Caller You know those exercises they say you can do?

32:46 Drew The Kegel exercises?

32:47 Caller Yeah. Or will tight end make you tighter? Is that true?

32:50 Does it really make you tighter or?

32:52 Drew You're obsessing about this. What's happening with you? Let's get specific.

32:55 Caller Well, okay. My boyfriend, he has an ex-wife and they have three kids. And I was just wondering if, you know...

33:07 Patton Oswalt Well, do you have any kids?

33:08 Caller No, I don't.

33:09 Patton Oswalt Well, then he should be happy with you. What are you worried about?

33:13 Drew But not only that, listen, most men end up married to women who have kids. And you listen to this show, do guys call in every night complaining about lack of sensitivity because of distortions of the vaginal architecture? No, you never hear about that because the reality is, it really doesn't make that big a difference. Occasionally, it makes some difference, but for the most part, it's a non-issue, for the most part.

33:37 Caller So it doesn't really, it's not that big of a concern.

33:40 Drew It's really not a big deal, no.

33:43 Patton Oswalt Shaq's mom had a problem with it, but that's about it.

33:45 Drew Well, just that, you know, sometimes, what you can do.

33:47 Caller Why do so many guys like anal?

33:50 Caller Is it because it's tighter?

33:52 Drew No, not no.

33:53 Patton Oswalt It's because they're gay.

33:55 Drew No, guys will claim that. They will claim that, but really, it is a sort of an acting out paper. It's a way of, it's a control issue, it's a way of doing something naughty.

34:04 Caller Something different, something they don't do.

34:06 Drew It really doesn't have anything to do with the feeling of it, per se. It's the experience that they want to have. It's a show me that you love me kind of gesture. Never got that. It's one I don't understand. And by ladies, if you don't want to do that, do not do that for god's sakes. Yeah, please. Women are in control. Yeah. They have control of the reins. If you don't want to do something, the guys are not scampering away. And if they do, fa, good riddance.

34:30 Patton Oswalt I'm so glad I grew up like fat and ugly because if a girl just talks to me, that proves that she loves me. That's all I need. I don't need the anal thing and the Nazi costume and all that.

34:40 Drew Where did you grow up?

34:41 Patton Oswalt Don't need it. Huh?

34:42 Drew Where did you grow up?

34:44 Patton Oswalt Virginia.

34:45 Drew Oh, that's right. Well, that's because you went to William & Mary.

34:47 Patton Oswalt Well, yeah. Well, that doesn't mean I grew up there, but that's where I grew up. Well, I was living in California when I was five, blonde-haired and skinny and dumb and happy. And then I moved to Virginia and brown-haired, fat and angry. What happened? I blew it. My dad was military. We moved around a lot.

35:02 Drew So you were in Norfolk or something?

35:04 Patton Oswalt Yeah. Well, he was up in, I think he was in Quantico. No, he was in, yes, he was in, he was down in Quantico and then he ended up in DC. So we lived in the suburbs of Virginia. It was a boring place on Earth. Oh my God.

35:18 Drew Like Chevy Chase, that kind of thing?

35:20 Patton Oswalt No, no, not even a place with some history. We lived in Sterling, Virginia, which was built, it was built two years after I was born. So my wife, her high school, she went to, like Ernest Hemingway went there. And the high school that I went to was built two years after I was born. Like there's no, nothing, there's no history. Nothing happened there.

35:40 Drew Where did she grow up, your wife?

35:42 Patton Oswalt Chicago.

35:43 Drew Ernest Hemingway grew up in Chicago?

35:45 Patton Oswalt He went to high school there.

35:47 Drew No kidding. Yeah. It was like, it was like in the West Indies or something.

35:51 Patton Oswalt No, good Lord. No, no, no, no. He traveled when he was later in life.

35:54 Caller But yeah.

35:55 Drew Michelle, 17. Michelle?

35:57 Caller Hi.

36:00 Caller I just had a question. I'm 17 and I'm dating a 21 year old. And every single time we have sex, like I won't hear from him for a couple of days.

36:13 Drew You're fat. Yeah.

36:16 Patton Oswalt It's because he's too busy high-fiving his friends.

36:19 Yeah. I don't know.

36:20 Caller I just like, I don't know if he's, you know, right off or what or if he's cheesy or what's going on.

36:27 Drew If we were to talk to him, would he say, Michelle is my girlfriend?

36:31 Caller Yeah.

36:32 Caller No, like we, we hang out like every single day and then we'll have sex.

36:35 Drew And then he'll do it.

36:36 Patton Oswalt But does, does he tell people, this is my girlfriend, Michelle?

36:38 Caller Yeah.

36:38 Drew Yeah.

36:38 Caller Like we say, I love you, everything.

36:41 Drew But no, like publicly does he say- Does he say, you're my girlfriend? Yeah. Yeah.

36:44 Caller Yeah. He says, I'm, I, he introduces me as his girlfriend.

36:47 Drew Okay.

36:47 Patton Oswalt To his friends and your friends.

36:49 Caller Yeah. Every, yeah. All our friends, we have the same friends, everything.

36:54 Drew Okay. And, all right.

36:57 Patton Oswalt And so he doesn't talk to you for two days after sex?

37:00 Caller Well, like sometimes he will, sometimes he won't.

37:03 So I don't know.

37:04 Patton Oswalt I know the answer to this.

37:05 Drew Okay, go.

37:06 Patton Oswalt He's a spy.

37:07 Drew Sleeps?

37:08 Patton Oswalt He's a spy. He's a spy for the government. That's it. Problem solved.

37:13 Drew Okay. Next.

37:14 Patton Oswalt No, he's a werewolf. One of the two.

37:17 Caller Yeah.

37:18 Drew Do you hold him off? In other words, is he begging for sex all the time and then all of a sudden you finally give in and then he disappears for a few days after that?

37:25 Caller No, not really. It's more like sometimes we'll see each other afterwards, but then like sometimes I won't hear from him for a couple of days.

37:34 Drew Do you ask him why?

37:36 Caller No, I haven't. I haven't confronted him about it.

37:38 Drew All right, Michelle, let's not make it a confrontation. Let's make it a query, right? It's like I've noticed that you take off. Do you want us to call him?

37:50 Caller Oh, that would be great.

37:51 Drew Do you want to do that?

37:53 Caller No.

37:54 Drew You don't want to do that? Because, look, it's a legitimate question. It's, hey, we have sex, we have this intimate moment, and then you disappear for two days. That doesn't feel good to me. Why do you do that? Is it just so I understand? It's not a confrontation. It's like you're not saying, hey, you're not even saying cut it out yet because you don't know what's going on.

38:11 Yeah.

38:11 Drew All right?

38:12 Okay.

38:13 Drew All right, Michelle, take care of that.

38:14 Patton Oswalt Yeah, just ask him that way. Just be pleasant about it.

38:17 Drew Yes. People in their lexicon now, the idea of confronting. I gotta confront that guy about this. You don't confront anybody about anything. Where the hell do you get with a confrontation anywhere except a bunch of defensiveness? You know what I'm saying? It's like people, you can confront somebody. What you get is somebody pushing back at you with a bunch of nonsense. All right. The phone number here is 1-800-LOVE-191. It's Loveline. I'm on with Patton Oswalt tonight. Please do call in. We will continue to take your calls after this. 1-800-LOVE-191. Patton Oswalt in here tonight on Loveline. We're going to go right to callers. This now is Kim, who's 19. Kim?

38:53 Caller Yeah. I have a question. I have my nipples here and I always heard that once you can't rest, you kind of carry them.

39:04 Drew Patton, how about you? Your piercings okay?

39:07 Patton Oswalt They're fine. Well, I got a barbell in one and a ring in the other. And they're both fine. There you go. I did get a... I got a gweech to my taint and that has hurt my bike riding.

39:24 Drew What's a gweech?

39:25 Patton Oswalt It's like a Prince Albert kind of thing.

39:27 Drew A gweech through my taint.

39:28 Patton Oswalt Gweech through my taint. I'm just saying my bike times have really fallen off.

39:33 Drew It's poetry. A gweech through the taint. It's like a Dr. Seuss character.

39:38 Patton Oswalt Gweech to the Taint is actually opening for the AAS at, I think, New Year's at Dumbo in Brooklyn. In Dumbo, Brooklyn at St. Anne's.

39:46 Drew It's a great, bad name. Gweech to the Taint. All right, Kim. This question has been asked many times over the years and we've talked to piercing professionals, so to speak, and they tell us that this does not... You have to take the piercings out and it doesn't make the breastfeeding any easier, that's for sure, because it comes out of multiple sources now. Yeah, but it doesn't prevent breastfeeding.

40:08 Caller Okay, I was just like, yeah, totally curious about that.

40:11 Drew Well, that's what I'm told.

40:12 Caller I mean, I haven't had any time to do it, so...

40:14 Drew Well, that's what I'm told, so there you go. But what difference is there now? They're already in, right?

40:19 Caller Correct.

40:20 Drew Okay, so what are you doing? Why all the piercings? What's that all about?

40:24 Caller Oh, I just like them.

40:26 Drew Yeah, okay. Now, why all the piercings?

40:28 Caller Because they size my ear, so.

40:30 Drew But what? All right, do you attract guys? What is the idea?

40:36 Caller Well, no, not really.

40:40 Drew What does it do for you? They're cute. Don't you ever think about what motivates you to do something?

40:46 No, not really.

40:47 Drew Well, you might give it some thought. I mean, it's sort of what makes us human beings, that we're able to sort of think about things before we do them. Tom is 30.

40:57 Hello, Tom.

40:58 Drew This is Tom. We're talking to Tom.

41:01 Patton Oswalt Yeah, Tom. Nice to see you, dude.

41:05 This is my question. I am currently, I'm 32 years old and probably, I guess my late teens into my early 20s when I would climax and actually orgasm, I would get quite a throw with semen, 5, 10 feet, maybe hit the curtains on the other side of the room. And now that I've gotten older, that seems to gradually have basically dissipated on me.

41:26 Patton Oswalt Yeah, that's because you have a partner now and it doesn't, it won't go through her.

41:32 Well, you know, sometimes you, sometimes you do have a chance to see what happens with that depending on the circumstances. And I was just curious if that was something that is typical with aging.

41:44 Drew Yes, a lot of things are typical.

41:45 Bring back, so to speak.

41:47 Patton Oswalt No, how much, It took you 32 years to think about that your cum's not going as far. That's what you've hit at age 32. You're thinking about what your cum's not going to hit for.

41:58 When you pull out, it's just a little bit disappointing when it doesn't quite hit the mark that you're shooting for.

42:02 Drew Well, let's just use a little deductive reasoning here.

42:05 Patton Oswalt You feel like, it sounds like a superhero going through a crisis. Yeah, my power is I shoot semen and it's not going so far. Dr. Lizardo escaped last week. It's awful.

42:17 Well, I grant you, it's a tragedy. It's just, you know, a curiosity.

42:21 Drew Let's just use a little deductive reasoning. When you're 90, how often do you figure you're going to be able to do this? And how far do you figure you shoot at 80?

42:32 Caller I'm sure, well, I guess based upon the current track that I'm on, there will be no shooting.

42:36 Drew Just using your imagination, just assuming about how humans age. You think things can be the same as when you're 20?

42:42 Caller No, absolutely not.

42:44 Drew Do you think they just shut off all of a sudden at 79? Or it's a gradation down as you grow older?

42:49 Caller Yeah, so basically from my age, that would be pretty normal.

42:54 Drew Yeah, it would be pretty normal. And this is just one of many, many, many changes you're going to see as time goes along. My goodness. But it's nice that he does sort of recognize the changes in his superhero prowess.

43:03 Patton Oswalt You know, the piercing girl, yeah, she was an idiot, but she's 19. You're supposed to be an idiot. But this guy's 32. And he's dumber than the piercing girl. Like, that's so depressing. How does that happen?

43:15 Drew Oh, that's all more than we have time to go into tonight.

43:18 Patton Oswalt OK, that's true. Yeah. And that was a rhetorical.

43:20 Drew Actually, Spencer 18.

43:22 Caller Hey, Drew, I had a question. I have to when I go crap, I have to take off all my clothes in public places or at home no matter what. Like, it's fairly comfortable.

43:34 Drew Well, again, Spencer, this is your area. The far humor.

43:37 Patton Oswalt I mean, you know, yeah, I mean, this is I got to say, this sounds like a fake call.

43:43 Caller No, no, I'm serious. Like in public places, like if I'm at school or something, I'll take off all my clothes and like roll them up and put them on the top of my shoes, you know, so they don't hit the floor. I put them on my backpack or something.

43:55 Drew And you have no idea where this got started.

43:58 Caller No, I don't.

43:59 Drew And do you have other obsessive compulsive qualities? Do you wash your hands a lot? Do you do other things you can't control, you'd like to control?

44:06 Caller No, not really. All right.

44:09 Drew Here's a deal, Spencer. Cut it out. Go ahead and crap like a normal person. You don't have, there's some things, either you have more serious mental illness and you have, you unable to control behaviors that are unreasonable and impulsive, or this is something you started doing when you're a kid and it's time to stop. Okay? All right. All right. Stop.

44:31 Patton Oswalt How did Adam do this job five days a week for 10 years? How did he do this without blowing the top of his head off?

44:38 Drew Just hang in there, Pat. It's going to be good. No, no.

44:40 Patton Oswalt It's going to be great. I'm helping people.

44:42 Drew Yes. Yes, you are. That's right. Patton Oswalt is helping people. On Loveline, the phone number is 1-800-LOVE-191. Let's see. We got a man who's lost it. No, a girl who says the boyfriend's lost an inch on his penis. We got the man disrobing. We got a question for you about working with Jimmy Fallon on Taxi. All right. We'll be back with more Loveline after this.

45:06 Loveline will be right back.

45:17 Drew Tonight on Loveline, Patton Oswalt, 1-800-LOVE-191. We gotta bring Patton along. We gotta sort of cheer him up. Right?

45:26 Patton Oswalt I don't know, I'm just feeling really bad about the future of America. By the way, I was just online. Apparently, all the networks next season are doing shows about the apocalypse.

45:36 Drew Nice.

45:37 Patton Oswalt They've all bought shows about America being destroyed.

45:40 Drew Nice.

45:41 Patton Oswalt I'm serious, I'm not making it up either. It's all about like weird post-apocalyptic road warrior stuff.

45:48 Drew Is this all post-9-11 stuff? I mean, we're four years out now.

45:52 Patton Oswalt Well, I think it's more like the way things are going right now. I think they just heard the last segment of Callers, and they bought them based on that.

45:58 Drew I see. I see. I see.

46:02 Patton Oswalt One of them is about a 32-year-old guy, and he's just worried that his semen isn't going far enough.

46:08 Drew Oh, really?

46:09 Patton Oswalt Somehow that calls out the four horsemen, and they wipe everything out.

46:12 Drew Well, he's the one superhero that could save us.

46:16 Patton Oswalt He is the one, yeah, but his powers are failing.

46:19 Drew They're fading. What can he do? He's aging. He's an aging superhero.

46:23 Patton Oswalt Well, we got to do something.

46:24 Drew Chet16, this one is for Patton. Hey, guys.

46:28 Caller How's it going?

46:29 Patton Oswalt Hey, Chet.

46:30 Caller Hey, I was just wondering. I saw the movie Taffy, and I was just wondering how it was to work with Jimmy Fallon and Queen Latifah because they're two of the funniest people out there right now, along with you.

46:45 Patton Oswalt It was nice. I mean, Jimmy's always been a friend. Nice guy. And I mean, I only met Queen Latifah for that afternoon, but she was very nice to me. I don't really. I don't know what to say.

46:56 Drew Chet, is that you?

46:58 Caller Hello?

46:59 Patton Oswalt Chet?

47:02 Who are you talking to, man?

47:04 Caller Get off.

47:05 Caller Tim, what are you doing?

47:06 Caller I'm, I'm already, get off.

47:08 Caller I got, who are you talking to?

47:10 Caller No one, no one. Just get off. Who is it? Hello?

47:14 Drew You're gay. What? This is the best call of the night, I gotta say, Patton.

47:17 Caller Hello?

47:18 Patton Oswalt Drew, Drew, this is a bit. They're doing, they're doing a bit.

47:22 Drew Is that? I think you're, you're probably right. We'll put him on hold just in case.

47:26 Patton Oswalt It's a total bit.

47:27 Drew All right, fair enough. So, Queen Latifah, I got to be on her talk show back in the day. She was really nice.

47:34 Patton Oswalt Yeah.

47:34 Caller Right?

47:35 Patton Oswalt I've always had a thing for her, man.

47:37 Drew Yeah, I could see that.

47:38 Patton Oswalt And I'm a total, I'm a total like racist white supremacist, but she is hot.

47:43 Caller Yeah.

47:44 Drew And just a really, really is an interesting and nice person. Smart, too. Yeah.

47:48 Patton Oswalt I used to play your stuff back on my radio show, back in college, like when she was doing Ladies First and stuff like that. I always dug her. I'm serious.

47:58 Drew I believe you. This is Angel24. Angel?

48:01 Hello, yes.

48:02 Drew Oh, it's a male. What's going on, Angel?

48:04 Yeah. I was dating a girl for about three years, and then she ended up cheating on me, and the person that she cheated on me with, she had told me after we had broke up, she was like, well, he had a bigger member than you and stuff. I had always considered myself to be pretty well-sized. I was like, about eight inches, just under. And, um...

48:34 Drew Angel, she didn't say that to you. No, she did. And you believed it? I mean, you took that as sort of a legitimate or substantial reason as to why she would be with another guy?

48:43 Caller Well, that wasn't the reason that she was with the other guy. But we had kind of tried to work things out again, and through the course of us trying to get back together, you start asking all the questions, like, oh, well, what kind of positions did you do? What did he do that was different than me? You know, is he bigger than me? And at this point, we were already kind of trying to work things out. And one of the things she had told me about him was that she had told me that I was way better than him, but just that he was bigger than me. And for some reason, that like affected my confidence, I guess you would say.

49:15 Drew Well, Angel, first of all, she didn't say he was bigger and that's why I was with him. A. B. What the hell are you doing asking questions about the specifics of their relationship? You know that's only going to lead to just awful feelings.

49:29 Caller I don't know. I guess for some reason, I just really needed to know what kind of things had happened.

49:34 Drew Well, look what you did. Look what you've done. All right, now you're there.

49:37 Patton Oswalt Angel, let me ask you a question. Let's go back in time. Let's say you had asked her, was this guy bigger than me? Like, how big was his penis? And she would have said, oh my god, it was only like two inches long. It was this little, you know, shriveled up shrimpy thing. And then you would have, right now you'd be going, how is she, how could she be with this guy, with this tiny, but what is, what else is he, is he doing that I'm not doing? Like, there's no answer she's ever going to give you that's going to make you feel better, ever, ever, ever, ever. It'll only lead to you being at the spot you're at right now. If she had said this guy had the worst BO., was not funny, had this tiny penis, didn't know how to have sex well, then you'd be here going, he must have something I don't have. There's no answer you'll ever get that'll make you feel better. So don't ask questions. Don't ask about that stuff.

50:30 Patton Oswalt All right.

50:31 Drew There you go. That's it. That's it. And this relationship is not working. Well, what, I mean, this is, this is done. My God. Yeah, you've, you've put nail, each one of those questions was another nail in the coffin of that relationship.

50:42 Patton Oswalt Dude, you're done. You gotta move on. You killed it.

50:44 Drew Chloe, Chloe, what's up? Just cause, just cause Patton's eating rice crispies, just relax there Anderson. Chloe, what's up?

50:55 Caller Lately, I've been fantasizing about my ex-boyfriend with my boyfriend currently, like when I'm having sex with him.

51:07 Drew You're fantasizing about your ex in order to get off with your current.

51:11 Caller Yeah.

51:12 Drew And tell us what was wrong with the ex? Why did you leave? What's wrong with him? What's going on with this relationship?

51:16 Caller He moved away. He moved away. And he came back for a summer and me and him did end up making out one night and I did convince it. I told my boyfriend and we worked it out. But lately, I've just been fantasizing about this old boyfriend with my current boyfriend.

51:38 Drew It's pretty simple. You're sort of still carrying a torch for this old guy and you're not that into the current guy.

51:43 Caller I know, but this current guy is really dedicated and that old guy is just...

51:49 Patton Oswalt Yeah, but are you really dedicated?

51:52 Caller I have no clue. I think I am. Like, I really love this guy. I find myself not attracted to him sexually.

51:59 Patton Oswalt You would either know or you wouldn't.

52:01 Drew Would you hear what she says if she's not physically attracted to him? That's not a great sign.

52:05 Patton Oswalt Yeah, that's bad.

52:06 Caller I used to be, but lately he hasn't been able to get it up and it's just been frustrating me.

52:14 Patton Oswalt Oof.

52:15 Drew So there's lots of problems here. How old is he?

52:18 Caller He's 18.

52:19 Drew You know, that's kind of weird. The 18-year-old, is the relationship going okay otherwise? Have you guys been fighting a lot? Is there some reason why he'd be anxious and having trouble?

52:27 Caller No, it's weird. We used to fight a lot because we both had trouble with drugs. We both had trouble with our parents. And now everything's perfect. It's just our sex life is not that good.

52:39 Drew This is kind of complicated, Chloe. How is it that you guys are not doing drugs currently? Are you in recovery or you just stopped?

52:45 Caller He's in recovery. Well, I'm recovering from bulimia and he's recovering from a meth addiction.

52:54 Drew And he's in the program, is going to meetings every day?

52:56 Caller Oh, no, he's done with the program. He's been done for a year.

53:00 Drew Okay, there's no... But he's still in the program. You guys go to meetings every day.

53:05 Caller Well, I haven't seen him do it. I'm pretty sure he's not on it.

53:10 Drew All right, if he's not going to meetings, he's probably doing drugs. So, there's a possibility... Yeah, if he's not doing it, listen, methamphetamine addiction is a deadly disease that's very hard to treat and requires essentially a daily commitment for years. And if he's not actively involved in some kind of recovery process, there's a high probability he's using, so that may be why he doesn't get things up.

53:30 Patton Oswalt Hey, can I say something, go ahead.

53:31 Drew Yeah.

53:32 Patton Oswalt Well, just beyond the whole meth addiction thing, if you're going out with an 18-year-old and you're thinking about your old boyfriend and you're not as physically attached to this guy and this 18-year-old, how old are you by the way? I'm 18. Alright, if this 18-year-old is having trouble getting it up, can I just say that maybe both of you without saying it are dancing around the fact that you two, neither of you is probably that attracted to one another and neither of you wants to be the bad guy that starts the break up because you've gone through all this recovery and you're all about, I'm making promises now and I'm making commitments. So this would seem like a step back even though it actually isn't. One of you needs to step up and be the actual not bad guy and just go, look, we're dancing around the fact that neither of us is that into each other and let's just move on, no harm, no foul. I think that's what's going on. I think you're muddying it up with all the, you know, oh, we're going through recovery and all this other stuff. I think that you two aren't really that attracted to each other.

54:34 Caller I've tried breaking up with him and well, he just will not take no for an answer. Now, I don't really want to anymore, but it still makes me nervous that I can't even break up with him.

54:45 Drew Yeah, Chloe, this is kind of a horrible situation on many, many levels.

54:49 Patton Oswalt I think the reason he doesn't want to break up is because that will be yet another failure on the road to all this other recovery and promises and commitments. Like he can't have any failure in his life right now because it's symbolic of something bigger. I'm sorry, Drew, go ahead.

55:08 Drew You have bulimia, anorexia, and you're a drug addict, Chloe. That is a kind of...

55:14 Caller What?

55:16 Caller I was an alcoholic for a little while.

55:18 Drew Okay, so you're an alcoholic addict. It's the same thing.

55:21 Caller Yeah, I know.

55:22 Drew You're an alcoholic addict with an eating disorder. You know what that means about your relationships, right?

55:28 Caller I know our relationship is dysfunctional, but it just...

55:31 Drew You know you're going to have very serious problem with relationships, right? Okay. You're in therapy now?

55:38 Caller Yeah, most of it.

55:40 Drew Okay. You talk about relationships and how chaotic they are, and how difficult it is for you to maintain boundaries. That's the way relationships are going to be for you for a while. And virtually, any good idea, any attraction you have is going to be a bad idea, right? Because you're attracted to the wrong kind of guys. You're attracted to chaos, correct? Is that true?

56:00 Caller I would think so, yeah.

56:01 Drew That's what tends to happen. So here now you found a guy that was chaotic, who's now getting into recovery, who's becoming boring, because he's not so chaotic anymore. And maybe he's got some dysfunction, maybe he's using drugs, maybe not. But the fact is all that drama is no longer there. When the drama is not there, you ain't there. Correct? Is that how you tend to behave in relationships?

56:24 Caller Well, it's just getting to the point where he just says what it... I mean, he does whatever I say, I tell him to do, and I don't want to be in that position.

56:33 Drew All right, look, whatever it is, both of us are telling you the same thing, that this relationship is pretty much over. And if you can't set boundaries and sort of be present enough to say, look, this is over and set a boundary down and change your phone number, or whatever it is you have to do to stop going on in this relationship, it's really a problem. It's becoming sort of addictive and compulsive in itself. He, God knows, he can't tolerate loss and abandonment. And probably neither can you. Is that true? I mean, abandonment, when you've had the kinds of issues, when you have eating disorders and addiction and sorts of abandonment is a huge issue. And to sort of end something, all of a sudden you idealize it and can't stand that process of leaving. You've got a lot of support, a lot of therapy. You want to leave the same. You've got to use those support systems in order to set down boundaries and go ahead and leave. It'll be good for him in the long run. He needs to focus on his recovery, get a sponsor, start working the program and focus on getting well himself. This thing is not going anywhere for either of you. Speaking of another relationship that's not going well, here's Michelle who's 16. Michelle?

57:30 Caller Hey.

57:31 Drew What's up? Oh, you sound depressed.

57:33 Caller Woo!

57:34 Caller You okay?

57:35 Caller Yeah, I'm okay. I can't stop talking to my boy, well, this guy that I met, but I can't stop calling him and he threatens me, but I still call him and I can't stop.

57:50 Drew Where are your parents?

57:53 Caller Sleep.

57:55 Drew So you live at home with your parents?

57:56 Caller I live with my mom. I don't know my dad.

57:59 Drew Can you tell her, does she know about these behaviors?

58:02 Caller No, no way.

58:05 Drew Does this guy threaten to tell your mom?

58:08 Caller He threatens to blow my ass up.

58:11 Drew That's a good situation.

58:13 Patton Oswalt Well, you two have got to get together. This sounds great.

58:16 Drew Yeah, Michelle and our last caller really should be best buds. How did she get in the number? Who is this guy to you? Where did you come across him?

58:26 Caller Well, actually, I was kind of going out with his cousin and I called his cousin really late and he kind of felt bad. So he came and picked me up and we went back to his cousin's house and his cousin left me there with him.

58:42 Patton Oswalt And? Did anything happen or you just talked to him?

58:45 Caller We just talked, but he didn't call me back, but I knew he liked me.

58:53 Drew Oh, boy.

58:54 Patton Oswalt He didn't call you back, but you know that he likes you.

58:57 Caller No, he used to.

59:00 Drew Oh, yeah, that's the truth.

59:01 Patton Oswalt Drew, walk her through it.

59:03 Drew Michelle, are you on medication?

59:05 Caller No.

59:06 Drew Have you ever been in a hospital before?

59:09 Caller What kind of hospital?

59:10 Drew Psychiatric hospital.

59:11 Caller No.

59:12 Drew Have you ever eaten disorder?

59:13 Caller Yeah.

59:15 Drew Are you doing drugs or alcohol?

59:18 Caller Just cigarettes.

59:19 Drew Just cigarettes.

59:20 Caller Doesn't it sound like she has a giant maniacal grin on her face right now?

59:23 Drew It's scary. Yeah, it's that glibness about this, but that's sort of an aggressive thing that somebody with these kinds of problems will maintain. It's a feeling. People with certain kinds of personality problems make you feel a certain way even though they don't mean to sometimes. Michelle, this is really serious, okay? This is stalking. You're going to get in a lot of trouble for it. And stalking can get out of hand sometimes, and people can do really crazy things as a result of it. This guy, the reality is he's not into you, he's not ever going to be into you, and you have to come to terms with that. Because of, what were the conditions in which your dad left?

1:00:00 Caller I never knew him or anything.

1:00:02 Drew How old were you when he left?

1:00:06 Caller I don't know, but he, I don't even remember, but he came back for like six months when he left again when I was four.

1:00:13 Drew Is your mom an addict or alcoholic?

1:00:15 Caller No.

1:00:16 Drew Your mom's a good mom?

1:00:19 Caller As much as she can be, yeah.

1:00:21 Drew Okay, all right. Why don't you give her a chance to do some parenting here, and let her know what you've been feeling lately, what's going on, and maybe get some help with this.

1:00:28 Caller If I tell her, though, she's going to make fun of me and stuff.

1:00:32 Drew Well, then you have to tell somebody at school.

1:00:35 Patton Oswalt Does she make fun of you for other things?

1:00:37 Caller Oh, yeah.

1:00:38 Drew Like what?

1:00:40 Caller Eating disorder, cutting.

1:00:44 Patton Oswalt A cutter?

1:00:45 Caller Yeah.

1:00:46 Drew This all kind of goes together. Michelle, you're going to end up in the hospital with this, in the psychiatric hospital, okay? You need to ask somebody for help and tell them what you're doing. It's very important. And this is not something that's going to stop on its own. You're seeing how it is already. You can't control the behavior, Michelle. You can't control it. And that's because of some things that are going on in your brain that you need help with. Okay?

1:01:11 Patton Oswalt Also, I don't think your mom is being as good a mom as she can be if she's making fun of you. And that's how you think of her.

1:01:18 Drew Yeah. Of life threatening illnesses like bulimia and anorexia. That's not something we made fun of. That's something that needs treatment, needs work. The cutting needs work. It's all a sign of your brain feeling overwhelmed by emotions and being unable to handle things, stresses in life, and reaching for whatever means it has at its disposal. Primitive means like starving yourself or vomiting or cutting. All those are just ways that your brain reaches for to try to manage feelings that it can't manage. You need to get help with that. This is Ally, 18. Yes? What's going on, Ally? Ally's calling from Alaska. Yeah. Man. What's going on? Yeah.

1:01:57 Caller Hold on.

1:01:58 Patton Oswalt Let me guess, an Eskimo dumped you?

1:02:00 Caller No.

1:02:01 Patton Oswalt Oh, all right.

1:02:02 Caller No.

1:02:04 Caller I have a little problem.

1:02:05 Caller I'm dating this guy I've been with for almost three months. And he has this mental problem. He's, he has a problem with himself. He's like, mentally, I can't say so it would sound bad. But he's got a problem.

1:02:26 Drew We'll say it anyway you can so we understand what we're talking about here.

1:02:28 Caller Yeah.

1:02:29 Caller Well, the thing is, I don't know how to break it to him, but I don't want to be with him anymore. Because I'm falling for another guy and I don't want to tell him that. Technically, I just want to find a way to let it down easy on him.

1:02:46 Patton Oswalt How long have you guys gone out again?

1:02:47 Caller Almost three months.

1:02:49 Patton Oswalt Well, no offense, but three months, you can just go look. It's not working out.

1:02:53 Drew Yeah. It's okay.

1:02:54 Patton Oswalt Well, I'm sure you can. Yeah. That's why you date people.

1:02:58 Drew Right. You're allowed to have relationships not work. He may be getting obsessional, he may be too into it, but that's his business. Yeah.

1:03:07 Caller What?

1:03:09 Caller Well, he is kind of way clingy on me. He's like, oh, she's mine, and all this stuff, and it kind of makes me feel uncomfortable.

1:03:19 Drew And therefore, you're leaving the relationship. That's fine, Ali. That's fine. You need to step up and go, look, this is not working. Do not wait until you create a catastrophe for this guy, or he finds you with somebody else. That's not, first of all, there's no, there's never any way to really let somebody down easy if they're into a relationship and you're not. If you're going great, they're idealizing it, they want to keep it going forever. You don't, it's too bad, they have to deal with reality. That's the way it goes. On the other hand, if you don't give them any hand, it goes on too long and you get resentful and you do something that they catch you doing that causes them great pain. Well, that's fantastic, right?

1:03:59 Patton Oswalt Uh-huh.

1:04:00 Caller Yeah.

1:04:02 Patton Oswalt Well, what's his mental problem that you were talking about earlier? Is that?

1:04:06 Caller He's, um, let's see.

1:04:10 Caller Oh, God.

1:04:13 Caller He has like an anger problem and he's, he's had a mental problem since he was young and he's been taking medication and all that stuff. And I think it's the medication that has brought him to having anger and all that stuff. No. It makes me feel uncomfortable because people make fun of them and all that stuff and I try to back them up. But they make fun of me as well for dating the guy.

1:04:37 Drew Oh, boy.

1:04:39 Caller That kind of makes me feel like I'm uncomfortable and I'm not wanted or anything like that from everyone else that I talk to.

1:04:50 Patton Oswalt Well, look, I mean, three months into it, you can break, you get to break up with someone if you go out with her. I'm sorry, you can break up with them.

1:04:57 Drew It's okay, you don't have to be responsible for his condition. He has people treating it. They'll watch out for it. I guarantee you the anger is not being caused by the medicine he's taking. In fact, the medicine, typically, the angers get a lot worse when people get off these medications. So, we don't encourage him to get off them, to get him back to people that are taking care of him. If he can't handle the fact this thing is ending, I'm sorry that he's had a condition his whole life, but it doesn't matter in terms of whether or not this relationship is going to survive.

1:05:24 Patton Oswalt So, break up with him, no harm, no foul.

1:05:27 Drew That's right, this is Philip22.

1:05:29 Patton Oswalt Hi.

1:05:30 Caller Hey.

1:05:31 Patton Oswalt I was just wondering, my girlfriend, I'm like an only guy and I don't mind having sex with her every day, but she's trying to give and have sex with her almost like five hours a day every day and I was just wondering if there might be some kind of issue with that, like she's, there's something wrong with her.

1:05:47 Drew Patton?

1:05:49 Patton Oswalt There is absolutely nothing wrong with her.

1:05:52 Patton Oswalt Five hours a day every day is-

1:05:53 Patton Oswalt And I'd like her MySpace profile.

1:05:57 Patton Oswalt I mean, I don't mind being with her, but doesn't that like make personal relationships all about sex?

1:06:05 Drew You're Philip, you're 22, you're male, and I'm confused by the question, but what you're responding to is not the too much sex bar, you're responding to the weird energy in all this, the fact that she can never be satisfied and it's coming at you aggressively all the time.

1:06:19 Patton Oswalt Yeah, I understand him, Drew. When I was 22, I was like, can't we read some books or does it have to be about sex all day? That's, you know.

1:06:27 Drew Be fair, that was you at 19. That was you at 19. That's true.

1:06:30 Patton Oswalt I'm like busy, I work too, so I mean.

1:06:33 Drew No, I know you can't work. When people listen, when people have sexual addiction, sexual compulsion, or addictions of any kind, work is not a priority. And she is so involved in these compulsions. Was she sexually abused when she grew up, when she was growing up?

1:06:46 Patton Oswalt Not when she was growing up, but she was raped once when she was probably in high school.

1:06:51 Drew Well, a rape during the teen years almost always is preceded by, not almost always, but very, very commonly preceded by a sexual abuse in childhood. And both those things can add up to sexual compulsion, sexual addiction. So Phillip, yeah, it sounds like she's out of control that way. She may want to see someone about this. You can go ahead and say, here's what I can tolerate. Here's our time. Just as if you were trying to contain any other behavior that was out of control. Do it in a very structured way. One hour here, one hour here. We'll do it in the morning, the evening, or just once a day because that's all I can muster. Physically, it's all I can do. Number one. Number two, I have to work. That's reality and that's the way it goes. If that's not good for her, there are treatments out there, essay, individual therapist, that sort of thing that can help.

1:07:31 Patton Oswalt You can make her feel good about it. You can just say, oh, I want to make it really, really special with you and you're wearing me out. You're a sexual dynamo without hurting her feelings.

1:07:46 Drew The problem with that is if she's truly a sex addict, she'll start making it his problem and start demeaning him.

1:07:51 Patton Oswalt I'm trying to help. I don't know.

1:07:53 Drew I know. You may not work. Lord. So the phone number is 1-800-LOVE-191. Patton, you're coming around. You're coming on Patton Oswalt, King of Queens, Spence, 8 o'clock, CBS Mondays. Also on Comedians of Comedy. This is his Comedy Central special where he and what? Maria Bamford, Brian Poussain.

1:08:12 Patton Oswalt Maria Bamford, Brian Poussain, Zach Galifianakis. Really funny group of people in a van on the road going to clubs.

1:08:19 Drew Baltimore, New York, Philadelphia, Atlantic City. Martha's Vineyard, that's where it ends, huh?

1:08:24 Patton Oswalt It ends oddly enough in Martha's Vineyard where we're trying to entertain very rich, complacent liberals, which is like one of the... Actually, the worst one is Atlantic City. Oh, man.

1:08:35 Drew Why?

1:08:36 Patton Oswalt Atlantic City is in... That place is where hope goes to get raped. That is how awful Atlantic City is. It's like every day planes fly over it and just spray a fresh coat of horrible on everything. I've never ever been in a place so bad.

1:08:51 Drew But how do you really feel about it? I mean, fall back.

1:08:54 Patton Oswalt It was... And the audiences... I mean, the audience, they're trying their best, but you can just tell that they're just beaten down by everything. Like, going to get a corn dog to them is an anger-inducing incident.

1:09:06 Drew I'm intrigued by your London and Dublin experience, too. I mean, American... Do they have King of Queens over there?

1:09:12 Patton Oswalt Yeah. Apparently, it's on, like, all the time. It's really weird. King of Queens is apparently massive in Germany. It's on, like, five times a day. And there's, like, four huge fan sites for it. I didn't go to Germany, but that's what I've been told. I get a lot of fan mail from Germany.

1:09:28 Drew Laughing time is over.

1:09:29 Patton Oswalt Yes, oddly enough.

1:09:31 Drew All right, the phone number here is 1-800-LOVE-191. Patton Oswalt in here tonight, and we'll be right back. Everybody's loveline, 1-800-LOVE-191. Patton Oswalt in here tonight. He's huge in Germany. Huge. Aren't you?

1:09:46 Patton Oswalt Yeah, man. Yeah, me and Hasselhoff. Gigantic in Germany.

1:09:50 Drew Massive. Let's go right to call. This is Megan 21. Megan?

1:09:55 Caller Hi.

1:09:55 Drew Hey, Megan.

1:09:56 Caller Hi. My question is, I get extremely excruciating headaches after I orgasm. Like to the point where I blacked out before and it's really starting to kill my sex life with my boyfriend because he thinks he's hurting me.

1:10:11 Patton Oswalt That's because he's punching you while he has sex with you. Tell him not to punch you.

1:10:15 Caller Yeah, I'll get on that. But no, it feels like someone's taking a pickaxe and just hitting me right in the frontal lobe or in like the back of my brain, like near my spine.

1:10:27 Patton Oswalt Have you checked your bedroom for gnomes? Are there gnomes because they have little pickaxes. They will. They are attracted to sex and they'll try to kill the female. Yeah, because there's there's gold in your vulva. And if they can get you at the point of orgasm, that's when you release it. But they need to kill you at that moment and they get it's enchanted gold.

1:10:47 Caller Ah, I see.

1:10:49 Patton Oswalt Drew, help her out. I'm not helping.

1:10:51 Drew Well, this enchanted gold helps you enter into a special land far, far away. Anyway, do you have a history of migraines?

1:11:00 Caller Um, no. I've had all that checked out. I've had cat scans and they haven't, my doctors haven't found anything.

1:11:06 Drew So you have complained about this to your doctors and they've done evaluations?

1:11:09 Caller Yeah.

1:11:10 Drew Have they ever tried you on migraine medication or prevented you from migraines?

1:11:14 Caller Um, they had something that they claimed, they gave me Paxil last year that they said would help with the headaches. And I also have insomnia, which I would assume they'd rather give me something for sleep, but you know, he's a doctor, I'm not. And they caused temporary blindness in one of my eyes.

1:11:32 Drew The Paxil did or the headache did?

1:11:35 Caller The Paxil did. Like I started getting the black spots and they were like, well, that's a symptom that affects like one or two million people. So I stopped taking that because I'd rather be able to see.

1:11:46 Drew So is there a history of migraine in your family?

1:11:49 Caller I don't know. I'm adopted.

1:11:52 Drew All right. Have they been telling you these are probably migraines?

1:11:56 Caller No, because it's really the only time I get them. I mean, every once in a while, like in a blue moon, I'll get one and it's not because I'm out in the light or anything or feeling exhausted.

1:12:05 Drew Have you seen a neurologist?

1:12:07 Caller No.

1:12:08 Drew Okay. Well, that's what you need to do. It's very appropriate that they did scans in your brain. They may want to do an MRI too if they haven't done that yet. And there is something called post migraine headache that is a post orgasm headache that is sort of a normal thing. And some of that tends to be a migraineous type headache. So it responds to things that prevent migraines, but they're also post orgasm headaches that are signs of more serious conditions. Now, simple scans like the CAT scan and whatnot rule out easy things, but you may need a more definitive work up than just that. So you need to see a neurologist. How long have you been having this for?

1:12:45 Caller About like three years.

1:12:47 Drew Wow, and it's every time?

1:12:50 Caller Nine times out of ten.

1:12:51 Caller With my last boyfriend, however, I really didn't orgasm at all. However, with this guy I've been with for the last two years, usually almost every time, and nine times out of ten, it hasn't been until like the last eight months, I've actually started blacking out and it's really killing our sex life.

1:13:07 Drew Well, you should have stayed with that last guy.

1:13:09 Patton Oswalt Yeah, stay with the guy who's not good, man.

1:13:13 Drew Just to switch topics a little bit, what was the problem with that guy?

1:13:18 Caller You know, he just wasn't really into anything that would get me off. He was pretty much just, it's all him, which is fine. You know, I don't mind doing my job, so to say, but it just...

1:13:29 Patton Oswalt Boy, what a romantic way to think about it.

1:13:32 Drew I know, if that were a guy, that would be like the end. She has no orgasm, but she won't let me have one. Well, that's the end of that. Pow, that night. No more. Boy, what an interesting way. And I'll tell you what, Megan, this passing out thing has me more concerned, because that is not a typical part, the blacking out of a post-orgasm headache. So I think it's really quite important that you move along and get this more definitively worked up with a neurologist. This now, let's do a little Germany or Florida. You ready for that? Oh, Patton, remember that game?

1:14:04 Patton Oswalt What's it?

1:14:05 Drew Germany or Florida. What happens is, we've realized that everything weird emanates from Germany or Florida. You know, really macabre, bizarre sexual action. Whenever somebody tells you a weird story, it's always something came from Germany or Florida. So the callers call in.

1:14:17 Patton Oswalt That makes sense.

1:14:18 Drew Yeah, they tell us the story and we tell them, did that come from Germany or Florida? Marcus.

1:14:23 Patton Oswalt Okay.

1:14:24 Drew All right. So Marcus.

1:14:27 Patton Oswalt Yeah. Hey.

1:14:28 Drew Here you go. Germany or Florida.

1:14:29 Patton Oswalt Okay. A man stole 175 diamonds from a jewelry store. He hid them in a pair of old shoes which he left with his father while he went on a fishing trip. In his absence, his father gave some old clothing, including the shoes, to a child care center. Upon returning from his trip, the man stormed into the child care center demanding the jewels back so furiously that they called the police and he was arrested.

1:14:53 Drew Germany or Florida?

1:14:54 Patton Oswalt Germany.

1:14:55 Drew Germany? Really?

1:14:57 Patton Oswalt Germany.

1:14:57 Drew Sounds kind of Floridian to me.

1:14:59 Patton Oswalt But the rage thing at the end.

1:15:01 Drew Really? That's Germany?

1:15:03 Patton Oswalt Yeah.

1:15:03 Drew The Righteous Indignation, that's all Germany?

1:15:05 Patton Oswalt Yeah, and then also the Stealing the Diamonds. I don't know, there's something like...

1:15:08 Drew There's an European about that, isn't there?

1:15:10 Caller Yeah.

1:15:11 Drew I'm going Florida. Marcus?

1:15:15 Patton Oswalt Germany or Florida?

1:15:16 Patton Oswalt You're right, it's Florida.

1:15:18 Caller Oh, man!

1:15:19 Drew There was something a little bit sort of sleek and European about that story, but I know that when you get that white trash action of putting it in the shoes, it's not a Florida.

1:15:29 Patton Oswalt Yeah, you know what? Although there is something also kind of black forest-y folk tale about, I took the diamonds and hid them in the shoe and then the carpenter came and there was a cheese contest and all. That also has a very dramatic feel to it.

1:15:45 Drew You're absolutely right. You're absolutely right.

1:15:46 Patton Oswalt Diamonds in the shoes, remember the story I would tell little Hans and that's why he's gay now.

1:15:52 Drew That's how you play the game. This is Rick, who's 22.

1:15:56 Patton Oswalt Hi Rick.

1:15:57 Drew Hi Rick. What's going on?

1:15:58 Caller I just got to give a little background information on my situation. I met this girl like nine months ago and we started dating for about three months and then we kind of broke up because we got too busy for each other and then she got back together with her ex-boyfriend who she was with right before me and then within the past two months we started hanging out a lot and basically been having sex and I know he doesn't know about it and I basically started falling for her again and don't really know how to handle it.

1:16:33 Drew She sounds a little chaotic to me. What's her deal? What's she like?

1:16:37 Caller She as far as how she is around me or what?

1:16:41 Drew I mean how's her history and relationships? How old is she? Does she come from trouble?

1:16:45 Caller She's 19. I mean as far as I met her family and everything. Her family doesn't seem like she's had any past problems or anything. I don't know what her relationship history is like because I've only known her for less than a year.

1:16:59 Drew Well, why don't you put down a little bit of a, lay the law down either if she's going to continue seeing you, she has to leave the other guy. That's it.

1:17:08 Caller Yeah. Yeah. Because I'm not sure if she's just kind of come to me for sex. I probably don't mind. I don't want to lose that. But on the other hand, I'm kind of falling for it. So it's like, I don't know.

1:17:17 Patton Oswalt Yeah. But don't ever be. I mean, if you really do love her, then don't put yourself in that position. Don't put yourself as a game boy or something. Be the whole thing. Be the whole system.

1:17:29 Drew Yeah. Not only that, but you're assuming she thinks like you were when you were 19. She's a 19-year-old female. They don't typically seek relationships for sex. Yeah. If they've got a relationship, there's something wrong with that relationship. They're resentful. They're getting back at the guy. They're not getting their needs met. That's why they flip over to the other guy. Yeah. Now, if you're sort of the bullpen that she's keeping on deck till she gets, as a sort of transition while she gets out of that one, excellent. You got to use it to expedite that. But if you're just a way of getting back. Yeah. But if you're just a way of getting back at the guy that she really loves, you're going to be in trouble.

1:18:06 Patton Oswalt Yeah.

1:18:06 Drew You're going to have to find out where you are. Okay.

1:18:08 Patton Oswalt Can we play the Eagles' Heartache tonight? Right now? That would really help.

1:18:12 Drew If we got that?

1:18:13 Patton Oswalt No, I'm just kidding.

1:18:14 Drew I hate the Eagles, please. All right. The Eagles are great. A musical genius. What are you talking about? All right. This is now- They're depressing. Wait, wait. You what? This is Annette who's 20. Annette. Annette.

1:18:29 Caller Hello?

1:18:30 Drew Annette, what's going on?

1:18:32 Caller Yeah.

1:18:34 Caller Every time I give my boyfriend head, he pushes my- When like he's going to come, he pushes my head down further and the come like it starts coming out of my nose and it's been like- Like it's been getting in my eyes and it's-

1:18:55 Caller Hello?

1:18:56 Drew Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

1:18:58 Patton Oswalt I just heard the Three Stooges theme started up in my head as you were describing it. I'm really sorry. That was very inappropriate.

1:19:05 Drew Oh, Annette.

1:19:07 Caller What?

1:19:07 Drew What's your question?

1:19:09 Caller I'm just wondering if there's like anything like- Is it going to ruin my eyes or- Because it gets in my eyes sometimes.

1:19:18 Patton Oswalt Can I just say three words that you can use that I think might help the situation? And you need to say to your boyfriend, Redding, don't do that. See if that works.

1:19:28 Drew And if that doesn't work, there's three more, I will bite. Those are the three that follow. Okay?

1:19:35 Patton Oswalt Drew's the doctor, listen to him.

1:19:36 Drew And do not hesitate. That is just disgusting and punishing. And while yes, you can get chlamydia in the eyes and you can get chemical conjunctivitis from semen. And you can actually have chlamydia in the eyes too. But-

1:19:53 Patton Oswalt You can get chlamydia in the eyes? I didn't know that.

1:19:55 Drew Yes, you can.

1:19:56 Patton Oswalt Wow.

1:19:57 Drew And it's rather quite serious.

1:19:58 Patton Oswalt You get gonorrhea in the eyes too. I got to remember that if I go to prison. You can get what of the eyes?

1:20:04 Drew Gonorrhea too.

1:20:05 Patton Oswalt Oh my God.

1:20:06 Drew Yes, good times.

1:20:07 Caller What about crabs?

1:20:08 Drew Crabs, no, but you get crabs in your eyebrows. And probably eyelashes too, for God knows. That's a crab, isn't it?

1:20:14 Patton Oswalt Ascarnus borgnai, he'll tell you.

1:20:16 Drew Oh yeah, well, there's nose hairs for that one. That's what I was just saying. And the fact that he holds her head is down. Think about this, like holding her under water until stuff blurts out. I mean, Drew, you gotta ask about this guy.

1:20:30 Patton Oswalt That's John Wayne Gacy's stuff.

1:20:32 Drew Anderson, you talk to this girl. I'm too busy.

1:20:34 Caller You gotta like ask if he works around metal. I mean, he's a terrible, terrible person.

1:20:38 Drew And that. What kind of guy is this that does this to you?

1:20:41 Caller Just got out of the joint.

1:20:44 Caller Someone, I don't know.

1:20:46 Patton Oswalt It's Alan Alda. Just to, it is, it's Alan Alda, isn't it? I'm pretty sure.

1:20:51 Drew What's he do for a living?

1:20:54 Caller He's a plumber.

1:20:57 Drew A plumber. Yeah.

1:20:58 Patton Oswalt There you go. That's it right there, Drew. We've solved the mystery.

1:21:03 Drew And what do you do? And that's just after David Alan Greer finishes the toilet flushing. What do you do? You go to school? You what?

1:21:14 Caller I'm sorry?

1:21:15 Drew Do you go to school? Do you work? What do you do right now?

1:21:17 Caller I go to school.

1:21:20 Patton Oswalt She goes to Apple Bobbing College, which is also kind of ironic.

1:21:24 Caller No.

1:21:26 Drew Where do you go to school?

1:21:28 Caller I go to school at Cal Poly.

1:21:30 Drew Okay. Cal Poly. What are you studying?

1:21:33 Caller I'm studying. I want to be a teacher. I want to be a fourth grade teacher.

1:21:38 Drew It is nice, but I'm trying to flush out the picture here of her with her plumber boyfriend and then as a fourth grade teacher. You said flush. It's not all coming out. It's not all coming together for me. I said come too. That is right. All right, Annette.

1:21:54 Patton Oswalt By the way, this is going to be a show on Fox next fall. This whole situation.

1:21:59 Caller That's nice.

1:22:01 Drew Leah Remney will be playing Annette.

1:22:03 Patton Oswalt Yeah, because I'm going to pitch it.

1:22:07 Drew Annette, what do you see in this guy?

1:22:10 Caller Well, I mean, he's really attractive.

1:22:12 Patton Oswalt I'm sorry. That was awful.

1:22:14 Drew He's real what? He's real what?

1:22:16 Caller I'm sorry?

1:22:18 Drew Go ahead. He's real what?

1:22:19 Caller I said he's really attractive and like he treats me pretty good, but it's just that one habit that he does when he comes like, it really bothers me. I don't know what to do or like how to go about telling him that it bothers me.

1:22:35 Drew Don't do that.

1:22:37 Patton Oswalt Or I will bite. Girls that have like boyfriends that do something really, really wildly abusive like this, always go, he treats me pretty good, except for the weird forced fallatio thing at the end, but otherwise everything else is great.

1:22:54 Drew We have this strange thing, Patton, in our culture where we excuse everybody everything. It's like, he is the greatest guy if you knew him. Yeah, he killed like about 13 people, but no, he's a great guy. If you knew him, he'd be your best friend. You just trust him, you can rely on him.

1:23:11 Patton Oswalt Don't people realize that if you hang out with someone all day, you're going to see everyone, even the worst people, doing nice things. No one, even like a maniacal killer, isn't maniacally killing people every waking minute of his life. Other times he's standing in line to get a milkshake, or he's letting someone in the door in front of him.

1:23:29 Drew And they're pleasant, right?

1:23:31 Patton Oswalt Yeah, exactly. Everyone has, so that's insane to always go, if you knew him.

1:23:36 Drew No, you're defined by the range of actions that you maintain in your life. Not by the average or the ones you do most of the time, but the actual range. And if you do outlying behaviors, that's who you are. If you happen to murder once, if you kill a murder once, you are a murderer.

1:23:54 Patton Oswalt That's it. There's nice guys who get the door for people and pay for dinners that also don't murder people. They do the same thing but without the murder in there.

1:24:03 Drew And there are nice plumbers out there that don't take their girlfriend's head and cram it down in their pharynx and shoot semen out their eyeball in their nose.

1:24:12 Patton Oswalt Plunging.

1:24:13 Drew Oh my god.

1:24:15 Patton Oswalt It's called plunging. But he is, but otherwise he's great. He's a really great guy.

1:24:19 Drew Otherwise, he's just the best buddy. He's just a cool guy.

1:24:23 Patton Oswalt Yeah.

1:24:24 Drew 1-800-LOVE-191. Look for Patton Oswalt Friday, December 2nd, 11 p.m. Comedians of Comedy. On Comedy Central. But he's at Comedy Central. That's right. Friday, December 2nd, 11 p.m. And we'll be back with more Love Line, more Patton Oswalt, and more of our callers after this.

1:24:51 Caller This is Loveline.

1:24:57 Drew Patton Oswalt is here tonight on Loveline 1-800-LOVE-191. Look for him on Comedians of Comedy, Friday, December 2nd, 11 p.m. Comedy Central. And of course, always Spence on The King of Queens, Monday, 8 p.m. CBS. And The King of Queens must have a life of syndication somewhere too, does it not?

1:25:16 Patton Oswalt Yeah, it's on like a couple of times a day, I think. I mean, we're on the, we're in like the 8th season, so yeah, it gets shown everywhere.

1:25:23 Drew And huge in Germany. This is Angela, 26th. Angela.

1:25:27 Caller Yes.

1:25:28 Drew What's going on?

1:25:30 Caller Hi, I believe that I'm just, I'm masturbating a lot, to the point where it's at work in the stalls.

1:25:43 Patton Oswalt So in other words, to the point where it's really, really hot.

1:25:48 Caller All the time.

1:25:49 Drew How many times a day?

1:25:51 Caller I say probably 10.

1:25:57 Caller Yeah.

1:25:59 Drew How many times?

1:26:01 Caller I'm sorry?

1:26:02 Drew How many times a day?

1:26:03 Caller About 10 times a day.

1:26:05 Drew 10 times a day. My goodness. This is kicking. What's that, Patton?

1:26:11 Patton Oswalt Well, it's not to be graphic, but do you climax every time?

1:26:14 Caller Yes. Yeah, I will. I will master it until I climax.

1:26:19 Drew It's good times. When did this kind of kick into gear?

1:26:24 Caller Well, it's all the time. Not all the time. Any time I have, any time alone.

1:26:32 Drew Angela, when did this start?

1:26:36 Caller I'd say, gosh, about a year ago.

1:26:40 Drew And before that, what were you doing?

1:26:43 Caller I was with my ex for six years.

1:26:46 Drew And how was that?

1:26:47 Caller And we, well, he actually had a problem with me wanting it too much.

1:26:55 Drew So we had a call earlier this evening where that was kind of going on. A guy called to said his girlfriend wanted to have sex five hours a day and he couldn't go to work. And what we talked about with him was that his girlfriend was probably sexually abused growing up. Is that something that happened to you?

1:27:08 Caller No, not any abuse that I know of, no.

1:27:12 Drew No physical or sexual abuse?

1:27:14 Caller No, not at all.

1:27:15 Drew No one ever hit you with an object growing up?

1:27:18 Caller No, I was raped when I was 14.

1:27:23 Drew Okay, and this happened to his girlfriend too. And what we said to him was, again, a rape at 14 usually is preceded by some sexual abuse or some kind of abuse earlier that kind of sets you up to be a good victim in your young teen years.

1:27:37 Caller But do you think it's an addiction?

1:27:41 Drew Well, I think it is an addiction to a certain extent. Are you addicted to anything else?

1:27:46 Caller I don't know, but, I mean, yeah, I...

1:27:51 Drew And no, yeah? No, yeah? Which is it?

1:27:55 Caller Um, yeah, I believe definitely it is an addiction.

1:28:02 Drew And have you ever been diagnosed with bipolar disorder?

1:28:05 Caller Yes, I have.

1:28:06 Drew Okay. So in a manic state or even hypomanic state, you can get hypersexual and begin to do lots and lots of masturbating and need sex a lot as part of your mania. Are you taking medication right now?

1:28:17 Caller Yes, I am.

1:28:19 Drew Is it possible that you're getting in sort of a cycle here with the hypomania?

1:28:24 Caller Um, I mean, it could be. I switched meds though. Boring!

1:28:29 Drew Alright, so Angela, thanks Anderson.

1:28:32 Caller It was such a great call.

1:28:33 Caller Now.

1:28:34 Drew What, I made it boring because she's bipolar?

1:28:36 Caller Yeah, and all the medication.

1:28:38 Drew I know. Well, look, she is, people are, when they're man-compressive, they will start to become hypersexual like this. If you add in a rape and a sexual abuse, then you put a really rocket fuel behind it. And Angela, yeah, if you're addicted, it's bothering you, can't stop it. You're having to start to have consequences as a result. A typical recipe for that is sexual abuse in childhood with a history of addiction in your family or alcoholism. And you need to go to a treatment for that. You've got a doctor who's treating you for bipolar disorder. Ask him or her for referral for treatment for sexual addictions. There's a lot of places. You live in Arizona, there are places out there actually specialize in that. So, and look up SA if you don't, don't have resources to pay for treatment. I hear Patton sighing.

1:29:14 Patton Oswalt Well, we're missing an obvious solution here.

1:29:17 Drew Which is what?

1:29:19 Patton Oswalt Webcam.

1:29:20 Drew Oh, we really just put it to good use.

1:29:22 Patton Oswalt Yeah, why not?

1:29:22 Drew Make a career of it.

1:29:24 Patton Oswalt Yeah.

1:29:24 Drew Okay, well, that's, you know, when people, you know, when God gives you lemonade, lemon, make lemonade, right?

1:29:29 Patton Oswalt Exactly, and when God gives you compulsive masturbation, you, you know, make a website.

1:29:36 Drew That's what he could create the webcam for, I guess, right?

1:29:38 Caller Exactly, yes.

1:29:39 Drew Fantastic. Patton Oswalt in here tonight. We got to take yet another little break. Is that right Anderson? Now it's time for the break.

1:29:46 Patton Oswalt That was quick.

1:29:47 Drew I know it is. It's time for the break. It's because we talked about pills.

1:29:51 Patton Oswalt Oh, yeah.

1:29:52 Drew Boring. Sorry, but sorry, but sorry, some people have bipolar disorder. All right, we'll be right back after this.

1:30:08 Caller Boring.

1:30:13 Drew That about does it for LoveLine. Patton Oswalt, thank you for joining us tonight.

1:30:17 Patton Oswalt Thanks for calling in to Loveline, where penises come to cry.

1:30:21 Drew They do indeed.

1:30:22 Patton Oswalt They really cry.

1:30:23 Drew And where what comes out of them sheds tears.

1:30:30 Patton Oswalt We are the shoulder that penises cry on.

1:30:33 Drew Yes, indeed we are.

1:30:34 Patton Oswalt At Loveline.

1:30:35 Drew You can check out Patton at The King of Queens. That's Mondays at 8 p.m. at CBS. Also, do not miss Comedians of Comedy. December 2nd, Friday, 11 p.m., Comedy Central. And God knows you've been in like 19 films, which I didn't mention. You can find them on those. Zoolander, Man and the Moon.

1:30:52 Patton Oswalt You can go to pattonoswalt.com. It's all there. Hours and hours of time.

1:30:57 Drew It's all there. Well, thank you again for coming in. And thank you for calling tonight. Then tomorrow night, the one and only Ben Stein. Until then, how about that?

1:31:07 Patton Oswalt He will link Chlamydia to the Democrats somehow. I know he will.

1:31:10 Drew I guarantee it.

1:31:11 Patton Oswalt It will be fascinating.

1:31:12 Drew I guarantee it. I pray God we don't have any calls like the plumber's girlfriend tomorrow. I think Ben will run out screaming. So until tomorrow night, this is Dr. Drew saying good night and stay well.

1:31:24 Caller Every time I give my boyfriend head, he pushes my, when like he's going to come, he pushes my head down further and the come like it starts coming out of my nose and it's...

1:31:34 Drew I'm trying to paint, flush out the picture here of her with her plumber boyfriend and then as a fourth grade teacher.

1:31:40 Patton Oswalt You said flush.

1:31:42 Drew It's not all coming out, it's not all coming together for me. I said come too.

1:31:48 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Annie Gold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Sunday, November 27, 2005