Episode 1000728771300

0:57 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience. Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content. Listener discretion is advised.

1:13 Voiceover This is Loveline, with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

1:20 Voiceover Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew, phone number, 1-800-LOVE-191. Dr. Drew is a board-certified physician and addiction medicine specialist. Alanna Ubach is here tonight.

1:34 Alanna Ubach Hello.

1:35 Adam Alanna was one of our favorite guests. She was here a couple of few back on Meet the Fockers, and she was a Spanish-made who... Well, we thought it was funny because when she said the name, you know, in her Spanish... When she said Meet the Fockers in her Spanish accent, it pretty much just sounded like the F word because you did the...

2:03 Drew Of course, there is a Focker family out there. That's how they were able to get by with that. However, Alanna's mom didn't see it quite the same way.

2:10 Adam Oh, really?

2:11 Drew Oh, no.

2:11 Alanna Ubach Oh, no. She just... She didn't talk to me for two weeks after she heard that name.

2:15 Adam Really?

2:15 Oh, yeah.

2:16 Drew She didn't hear anything.

2:17 Alanna Ubach Oh, at that performance, yeah.

2:18 She was like, Alanna, I didn't know you knew that much about sex.

2:21 Adam Wow.

2:22 Click.

2:23 Adam Wow.

2:24 Alanna Ubach Yeah.

2:24 Adam Oh, oh, see... Oh, see, when I hear a parent not talking to you for two weeks, I look at... I look at that as dodging a bullet.

2:31 Drew Blessing.

2:32 Adam Blessing. Manna from heaven.

2:36 Alanna Ubach I was just afraid to run into her.

2:37 Adam Yeah, you got Alanna's out here doing a... It's Alanna, right? You don't want to be Alanna, do you?

2:45 Alanna Ubach Oh, no, it's Alanna.

2:47 Adam Good.

2:48 Alanna Ubach Like Alanna Stewart. I think that's who I was named after.

2:51 Adam Alanna's out here plugging the movie Waiting, which opens October 7th. It's got Ryan Reynolds, a dear, dear, dear friend of the show. Ryan Reynolds is one of the nicest guys in show business.

3:04 Drew He's one of the two guys at a pizza.

3:06 Adam Two guys growing up at a pizza place.

3:08 Drew That's the way he first met him.

3:09 Alanna Ubach Yeah, he's a cool cat.

3:10 Adam Sweet guy, and Andy Melanakis. Dear, dear Andy Melanakis, also in this movie Waiting. And they shot the movie New Orleans. That's interesting. So what's the movie about?

3:26 Alanna Ubach It's basically about a bunch of kids who work at a, you know, shenanigans. It's like the Bennigan's of that town or the TGI Fridays. And they're all miserable.

3:35 Adam Sort of a themy restaurant.

3:37 Alanna Ubach Exactly. They're all miserable. And my character has been working there for years. And she's a major alcoholic and a chain smoker. That was a lot of fun to play. And a major stretch. And it was just a lot of fun, because you have Louie Guzman, who has this great part. And he plays one of the cooks. And all of these cooks and all of the waiters and the waitresses have this game that they play. And I'm not supposed to mention it, because it's a huge surprise. But it's kind of a really naughty game that you're not supposed to play.

4:09 Drew They gang up on the clients.

4:11 Alanna Ubach Basically. Yeah, they kind of gang up on the customers. They treat them poorly. It's a lot of fun.

4:16 Adam Is it in the food? Snut Rocket in the food, actually. Listen, I did the math. Whenever the waiters do things that you're not supposed to talk about, that just means Snut Rocket, or what do you call it? Snut Shot? Snut Shot. Yeah. And obviously a comedy.

4:31 Alanna Ubach Oh yeah, cool. A lot of things go on back in the kitchen and stuff, showing balls.

4:36 Adam Yeah.

4:37 Drew Do we get to see any of Alanaka's balls?

4:39 God, I wish.

4:40 Alanna Ubach He is one sexy mofo.

4:42 Adam He is a man for tonight, Drew.

4:43 Drew That's what I want to see for myself.

4:45 Alanna Ubach I'd smack back.

4:46 Drew That's a rare condition.

4:49 Adam Drew is going to weave his plug magic before we get to the telephones, yes, Drew?

4:54 Drew Yes, Adam. The iPod Nano tonight again is with each night this week. We will be giving away a brand new iPad Nano, which this is really the best giveaway we ever had. Yeah. Listen for the Death Cam for Cutie song, Soul Meets Body. Here it is. And Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior Producer Warren going insane. Yeah. She loves Death Cab, Death Cab for Cutie, which by the way, could they have named the band in a way, the name that you actually speak? It's hard to spit out Death Cab for Cutie. Yeah.

5:23 Adam Especially when you're as high as you are.

5:24 Drew I know.

5:25 These are those gold dust moments.

5:27 Drew Well, it's number two for Tory. This is junior, junior, junior, junior producers. Favorite is Tory. Bumper music is the music you hear when you come back from the commercial break. Be the first person to get through and say iPod Nano to our screener. You got to be 18 years of older and you will win. You'll also win a gift certificate from iTunes for 10 free downloads. Speaking of loaded.

5:46 Adam Yes.

5:46 Drew I Tivo'd too late with Adam Corolla and watched Tivo, excuse me, I watched Steve-O. Yeah. Pump and upend you.

5:54 Adam Yes.

5:55 Alanna Ubach Who upended you?

5:56 Adam Steve-O.

5:57 Alanna Ubach Aren't you married?

5:58 Adam Yes, I was before Steve-O raped me.

6:01 Alanna Ubach That's so hot.

6:02 Drew His behind man was terribly violent.

6:05 Adam Yes, it was it was it was shattered. It was not just ruptured. It was destroyed. He took an M-80 to my behind man, which I wanted to take to my grave. And that's what I'm gonna say. You know, when I have a son, I'm gonna be like, son, listen, your sister has a hymen. She can lose that somewhere around her junior year of high school. You, my friend, have a behind man. That must never go away. That is a force field. You must keep the behind man intact. As a matter of fact, now here's the thing about the behind man. It is an imaginary, it's an imaginary plane. That it's a no fly zone for penises and fingers and plugs and pen whatever. And here's what it is. Like I want you to make a pact with me about your behind man right now. Because I'll never be able to check on it. There'll be no behind man reconstructive surgery. There's nothing to look for. There's nothing to repair. I just need you to swear to me that that behind man remains pristine. The blessed behind man.

7:09 Alanna Ubach Unless of course you get a fish. Then you have to see the proctocologist. Is that what they are?

7:13 Adam Proctologist?

7:14 Alanna Ubach Proctologist, yeah.

7:15 Adam A fish?

7:16 Alanna Ubach And then you're in trouble.

7:17 Adam A fisher.

7:18 Alanna Ubach A fisher.

7:18 Adam Oh yeah. A fisher. You said a fish.

7:20 Alanna Ubach Didn't you have a boil one time that you had to take a needle to?

7:23 Adam Well, first off, how dare you? It was a carbuncle and yes, I did and I had to use a hand mirror and a flashlight to bounce light off the hand mirror.

7:33 Alanna Ubach Did you cross the plane?

7:35 Drew No, it was external to the plane.

7:36 Adam It was external. I did not break my behind man.

7:39 Drew But when this thing did in fact break, it was shot all over the room.

7:42 Adam Oh, Drew, how dare you?

7:44 Drew Am I right?

7:45 Adam Well, there was some, there was a degree of relief.

7:47 Drew So, Steve-O, did he end up in a psych hospital last night?

7:51 Adam Steve-O from Jackass and Wild Boys was a guest on my too late show on Comedy Central last night.

7:58 Hey Drew, why is it that when you rub your balls while you're jerking off, that it feels so much better?

8:03 Drew I haven't noticed that.

8:04 Oh, no way, he's here.

8:06 Adam You can't see me for Fokker's, but that we can say. Here's the thing, he got himself a little blitzed. He drank a fifth.

8:13 Drew That was more than just alcohol, I think.

8:15 Adam Yeah. Oh, well, I'll tell you what he drank. He drank a fifth of vodka and then a fifth of a fifth of vodka. So he drank about a quart of vodka and then came out and he was so blitzed. And he just started attacking me, basically, not not violently.

8:31 Drew Spitting on people, all kinds of crazy stuff.

8:33 Adam He was a little out of control. Then he attempted to put his hand through a glass.

8:37 Drew I know, put his leg through a coffee table.

8:39 Adam He did slice his leg up. Yeah, he was punching the glass. If the glass had broken when he punched it, he would have sliced his hand all up. But instead, he used his heel and his shoe and still cut himself up pretty good.

8:51 Drew So psych hospital, jail ward?

8:53 Adam Nah, he just went home.

8:54 Alanna Ubach He's like Sid Vicious. I mean, but without the talent, he's the talent.

9:00 Adam He sent us an email about five hours later saying he doesn't remember anything, but he's prouder of it than any talk show appearances he's ever done.

9:08 Alanna Ubach I'm prouder.

9:11 Yeah.

9:12 Alanna Ubach Ay, Dios mío. Pobrecito.

9:14 Adam Lily, which one, what do you got going in you, Alanna?

9:17 Ethically.

9:18 Adam Yeah.

9:19 Alanna Ubach Puerto Rican and Mexican. My dad was born in San Juan. My mother was born in Sinaloa. And then we met out here at the Palladium. And then they decided that- Yeah, the Palladium on Salsa Night, Friday night. And my dad took one look at my mother's breasts and he said, oh yes, she will be mine. Yeah. So-

9:33 Adam Let me explain the Palladium now. Every night is Salsa Night.

9:36 Alanna Ubach Every night is Salsa Night at the Palladium Night. So they got married and they started a family out in Downey because that's the- like that was the most- that was the coolest suburban neighborhood, 20 minutes south of downtown Austin. Sure, Downey.

9:49 Drew Everyone knows that. Everyone knows Downey.

9:51 Alanna Ubach Oh, Downey.

9:53 Adam You know what strikes me about the Latin folks? Fast talkers.

9:57 Alanna Ubach Oh yeah.

9:58 Adam Not so fast in the doing department, but the talking, pow! Auctioneers. It is a fast ass language. The culture's laid back, but the mouth moves fast. Which is weird. You know what I mean?

10:12 Alanna Ubach No, it's- you can lay back and drink a cerveza and you're still speaking a mile a minute.

10:17 Adam Yeah, so it's a fast language that doesn't seem to bleed into the actual pace of the culture. Culture's very much enjoying the moment. Take a little siesta in the middle of the day, relax, but prrrr. The language sounds like cards in a bike spokes.

10:31 Alanna Ubach You get a lot of rest.

10:33 Adam Yeah. Whereas like Germans talk slow and work fast. Or I don't know if the word is fast, but they're not nappers. You know what I'm saying?

10:43 Drew Relentless.

10:43 Adam Yeah, well, what is that, Drew?

10:45 Break that down.

10:46 Adam What's going on?

10:46 Drew Something to do with the environment.

10:48 Adam Maybe the land's burning too many calories talking.

10:50 Alanna Ubach They need to nap.

10:51 Drew Right, they have to nap.

10:53 Adam All right, Lily?

10:55 Drew 19.

10:56 Lily?

10:58 Drew Hello, she's there.

10:59 Lily.

11:00 Drew All right.

11:00 She's sleeping?

11:01 Hello, yeah.

11:01 Drew There you are.

11:02 Adam What's up, Lily?

11:03 Hi, my question is about, I'm 19 and I'm married, and just I can't feel any pleasure when me and my husband make love.

11:14 Drew Meaning you don't want to have sex or you no longer have an orgasm or there's pain?

11:18 Adam She doesn't feel anything.

11:20 I've never had, yeah.

11:22 Drew Never had an orgasm and you don't feel anything?

11:24 I don't feel anything. It's just when he's inside me. I just feel like I have to go to the restroom. You know, like I have to go pee.

11:31 Adam Well, that's how sex is. No sensation followed with bladder pressure followed by an anemia.

11:39 Drew Urination.

11:40 Adam Yeah.

11:40 Drew Oh my, that's got to be bad. Well, here's, let's talk about this. You're 19.

11:44 Caller Yeah.

11:45 Drew You're 19. Are you on medication?

11:47 Caller No.

11:48 Drew You're not on birth control?

11:50 Caller No.

11:51 Adam All right. You sound like a nine-year-old. Is there something going on? Something we need to know about your past?

11:56 Drew One of the things that can happen is there's a painful sexual abuse early in life. It can disconnect you from any feeling down there. Anything like that?

12:06 Caller No, I've never had any abuse or anything.

12:09 Adam Just married at 18?

12:12 Caller Yeah.

12:14 Adam Why didn't you get married? Drew, did you hear my name in the background? Yes. Is that Anderson?

12:18 Caller I'm sorry?

12:19 Adam Why did you get married so early?

12:22 Caller Because I wanted to get married early. I don't know. For one reason, it's sexy for marriages against men's religion. All right.

12:36 Drew So, Lily, here's the other possibility.

12:37 Adam What's your nationality?

12:39 Caller I'm from Kenya.

12:41 Adam Oh, from Kenya.

12:42 Drew They didn't do any kind of weird female genital mutilation on you, did they?

12:47 Caller No.

12:48 Adam No. But if they did, it would be okay because that's a different culture and we can't judge.

12:52 Drew We can't judge.

12:53 Adam So, yeah, if they make a machete to your vagina, we can't say anything about that.

12:57 Alanna Ubach Is it wrong for me to ask this, Lily? Do you masturbate?

13:01 Drew No way. No.

13:02 Caller It's a gender-based religion. Yeah.

13:04 Alanna Ubach Oh, oh. That explains everything.

13:06 Drew What's your religion?

13:07 Adam What is your religion? Who the hell knows? The volcano from Kenya.

13:12 Drew What's your religion, Lily?

13:14 Caller Islam.

13:15 Drew Islam. Okay. Well, here's a deal that's very common in young women, is that sexuality needs to come online. You need to figure it out. It's not as easily accessible as a male. I don't mean just mechanically, but biologically and neurobiologically, it can take some doing to get things going and get arousal. You have to feel intimate and you have to feel safe, and you have to feel close to that person. And this may just be being young and being scared about all this, having been sort of traumatized by a religious message.

13:44 Adam Let me also say this, whatever your wacky religion is, whether it's Islam or Jehovah, born again Christian or Hasidic Jew, whatever nutty angle you decide to take in life. And to me, you're all nuts. You should stay where you are, because if you come over here, your nutty religion is going to seem super nutty. See, where you were, it was just filled with like-minded nutty people who followed the same nutty religion. And it's like, once you take that Mormonism out of Utah, it's cubed. Now you got problems. Because you want a little polygamy and you want to bang a nine-year-old and you got all kinds of things that your religion tells you is cool. You come out here, you get arrested. Same with just your basic nutty religions around the world. Go ahead and stay where you are or leave the religion where you are. Come on out here. That's my take. Because coming out here, this is the land of vibrators. It's the land of, you know, pay-per-view porn.

14:41 Alanna Ubach Pocket Rockets.

14:42 Adam Pocket Rockets.

14:43 Alanna Ubach Lube.

14:44 Adam Yeah, Alana's got all three of those things.

14:47 Drew Is your mom listening tonight again?

14:48 Alanna Ubach No, I didn't until I was on tonight.

14:50 Drew You better hope she hasn't been a listener ever since.

14:52 Caller I'm going to let loose.

14:53 Adam Smart. I'm just telling you, when you come out here, it gets tough because then you get around, you start working with people and they're like, oh yeah, I'm getting it on all the time. I have five organ, now you're screwed. Back wherever you came from, you just work around, everyone else just walk around the pillowcase on their head with a little hole cut out so they could see. No problem. And again, I'm not judging, not judging. It's impossible to judge. But I'm just saying, you come out, you come out to Minnesota from Kenya, you bring the wacky religion with you, and there's going to be question marks. That's what I'm saying. All right. So Lily, don't cheat, stay with your husband, take it nice and slow.

15:30 Drew You a Mormon?

15:30 Adam And like I said, at 19, you'll, as Drew said, you'll come online, you'll start, things will wake up downstairs for you.

15:37 Drew Just take a beat, don't be scared.

15:39 Adam Yeah.

15:39 Hey, I think the husband was there, cause that was not me saying Adam and then later.

15:43 Drew No, I know, I heard it. There was somebody in the background there.

15:45 Adam Yeah.

15:45 Caller You might have another crazy Kenyan to talk to.

15:47 Adam Yeah. Yeah, but here's the thing, everybody. Your nutty religion and your sexuality, they're going to run headlong into each other eventually, too, as the hormones start raging and you start coming online. Boom. All that no masturbation stuff, all that, you know, your palms are going to fall off or you go blind or it's a sin or you make the baby Jesus cry or whatever, whatever nutty doctrine you follow. It's all going to start falling apart when you start masturbating and start getting these weird urges and you start suppressing it and actually you're out killing people. That's not not individually, but as a group, as a group. That's kind of how religion works. Lexa?

16:32 Caller Yes.

16:33 Adam Twenty.

16:34 Yeah, I'm a little high.

16:36 Drew You're a little high?

16:38 Caller A little bit.

16:39 Adam A little bit.

16:40 Caller A little bit.

16:43 Adam I like to I like to hear you on a good day. It's just a little high.

16:47 Drew What's she like when she's very high?

16:49 Adam Yeah.

16:49 Caller Hey, come on.

16:51 Adam Hey.

16:51 Alanna Ubach Well, what did you get high on?

16:54 Adam Weed.

16:55 Caller OK.

16:58 Adam All right. It is. It is for people that aren't almost retarded dumb.

17:02 Caller I'm not retarded dumb.

17:04 Adam No, I didn't say you were. I just said in general. Yeah. Yeah. When you're when you're super, super dumb, you can't do drugs because then you just can't move.

17:12 Drew But slow down, Lexa. Adam may start to turn on you. So go ahead. What's your question?

17:16 Caller No, I had unprotected sex about a month ago and I took the morning after pill and I haven't had my period yet and I'm like laid on it by like almost a week.

17:26 Adam OK.

17:26 Drew Here's A. She's a genius.

17:28 Adam I like you taking the morning after pill, Lexa. Thank you, baby doll.

17:33 Drew The cut of her jib, right, Adam?

17:35 Adam I do like your jib cut.

17:37 Drew Now, the problem, though, is the cut of my behind it. Yeah, that was cut. I don't like it. Go ahead. The problem now is, of course, you could be pregnant. How long after the morning after pill, after the intercourse, did you take the morning after pill?

17:53 Caller 24 hours.

17:55 Drew So that's pretty, that's usually 85 to 90 percent effective. So the probability is you're not pregnant, but definitely take a pregnancy test. If it's negative, it can often take a couple of months for the menstrual cycles to start normalizing after the morning after pill.

18:09 Caller I have another question. If I am pregnant, how long can I, because I've had an abortion before, but like I had to give a surgical one, how many weeks can you be pregnant when they can still give you the pill to kill the...

18:20 Adam What about the chemical one?

18:22 Drew I think you can do, I don't have that up top in my head, but I've had patients do it all the way throughout.

18:26 Adam Kids start first day, I think you can still give them the pills. They actually feed the kid the pills. At that point, you don't take them yourself. At a certain point, you hand them to the kid.

18:33 Drew The last mission I gave it to needed a D&C afterwards.

18:37 Adam D&C is the scraping. What's the D part?

18:41 Drew Dilatations. You have to open up curatage.

18:44 Adam What's the G part?

18:44 Drew You're seeing a curette is this sort of curved scoop like a spoon. You go scrape everything out. It's good times.

18:50 Alanna Ubach Good times.

18:52 Drew And for the record, I'm sort of against abortion, fundamentally.

18:57 Adam But yeah, I'm not for it. I'm not for it. I don't think anyone's a fan of it. I don't. I don't.

19:05 Drew Just the arguments against it are very compelling. The problem is the people who have spun out with all these kinds of arguments make me not want to support them.

19:12 Adam Yeah. I mean, yeah, yeah, I know that, you know, if you have to write to your own body and that kind of stuff, if those arguments aren't so compelling. Yeah, I agree.

19:22 Drew All right.

19:23 Adam I know Alanna does, I love her crazy Mexican maid. I'll tell you, I love when she gets into that.

19:29 Alanna Ubach You like the maid?

19:30 Drew Yeah.

19:31 Alanna Ubach She's coming out, baby.

19:33 Adam There's a couple of things I like.

19:34 Alanna Ubach No, no, no. Let's see if they're going to kick our ass.

19:37 Adam I know, but there's a couple of things I like doing because one of my greatest joys is I know I call 10 Latin guys a week and try to talk to them over the phone and the mom answers to phone. And then when I ask for where Iswaldo is, they act like he's being held hostage at the house. A little bit confused. Drew, what are you doing?

19:59 Drew Marcus wants to play a Ranchero game.

20:01 Adam Oh, he wants to play Ace's Ranchero.

20:06 Drew Have you played that before with us?

20:07 Adam No, I haven't.

20:08 Drew No good.

20:09 Adam You don't like that game. We're going to play it with Alanna, but let me just finish what I was saying, would you please?

20:14 Alanna Ubach Wait, is that chick still on the line?

20:15 Adam No, she's gone. You need to play the part of Iswaldo's mother, who when I ask if Iswaldo's there, she says, no, no, he no here, as if someone's holding a gun to his head. And then later on where I say, how's that go? Let's see.

20:33 Drew No, first it's who?

20:35 Adam Who? Yeah, you need the who. And then the who is a very distressed who, like you've never heard of your son's name. And then the who is who are you? Yes, who? Is that good? Yeah, yeah. And then the next one is, is Waldo, is he here? And you're like, no, no, you're not here. You have to pretend like someone's holding a gun to you and as Waldo's tied up duct tape to the dinette table.

20:59 Caller You got it.

20:59 Adam All right, so on.

21:00 Alanna Ubach OK.

21:01 Adam So this goes every time I call my buddies. Bring, bring, bring.

21:06 Caller Hola.

21:08 Adam Hi. Is this Waldo there?

21:11 Caller Who?

21:12 Adam Is Waldo?

21:13 Alanna Ubach No, who Waldo?

21:15 Caller Who are you? Who are you?

21:19 Adam This is Adam. We worked. He works. He works with me. Yeah, this is Adam.

21:25 Alanna Ubach Go home.

21:26 Adam No, I'm calling for my house. I just want to know if he's there. I need to talk to him. I work tomorrow.

21:32 Alanna Ubach No, no, no.

21:37 Adam Now, let me just tweak it just a little bit. The who has to be almost like a crazed, scared who.

21:44 Alanna Ubach Okay, got it, got it. Okay, like someone has a gun to my head.

21:47 Adam Yeah, yeah, yeah.

21:50 Caller Yeah, yeah.

21:51 Adam And then when I do, as Waldo, you do almost panicked and scared. No, no, you know, yeah.

21:58 Drew And a little how dare you too.

21:59 Adam A little.

22:00 Drew Who do you think you are?

22:00 Adam But don't mix too much fruit in the salad, Drew. She's a good actress, not a great actress. So it's not freak her out. It's fear meets panic. It's really it's really it in your mind, as your implicit cue should be somebody holding a gun to his Waldo in the background, shaking their head, saying like, listen, bitch, if you say he's here, he's going to get a bullet in the head. You know, yeah. Right.

22:23 Alanna Ubach This is novella style. You got it.

22:24 Adam Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm talking novella style.

22:27 Caller Bring, bring.

22:29 Alanna Ubach Wait, I need a moment. Hold on.

22:30 Adam Okay. Take a, take a beat. Take a beat.

22:32 Alanna Ubach All right. Look at these pictures.

22:33 Adam Take a beat. Drew. Okay. All right. Drew, do you realize you're pointing at a TV set in the studio saying, look at these pictures? For you.

22:42 Drew So get your mind.

22:43 Alanna Ubach Are you guys watching TV while we're doing this? This is ridiculous.

22:46 Adam Drew, do you understand you're pointing at a TV set and saying into a microphone, look at these pictures on your radio show.

22:51 Drew Oh, that's right. You're right. You're right.

22:53 Alanna Ubach Okay. I'm ready. I'm ready, you guys.

22:55 Caller Ha ha.

22:56 Adam All right. Let's try it. You ready?

22:58 Caller Yeah.

23:00 Adam She's like a nine year old. Bring, bring, bring, bring. Uh, hi. Is Waldo there? No. No, no. No, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Who? Who? The first one is who?

23:20 Caller The first is.

23:22 Adam Oh, no.

23:23 Drew You're on the air. The big S word.

23:26 Adam I'm sorry. The S word.

23:31 Drew OK. By the way, that was not a little S bomb. That was like screams.

23:35 Alanna Ubach Screams. I just want to be good.

23:37 Drew That was better than anything else that she could possibly do. That was very deep.

23:41 Adam Maybe. Well, it was sincere. Hello.

23:43 Drew Let's go to break.

23:44 Adam Coach her during the break. No, no, I think I think we got this. The first one is who and then it's no, he's no here.

23:49 Drew I think Chris is back in the studio.

23:51 Adam Here we go. Bring.

23:52 Caller Hello.

23:53 Adam Hi, is Iswaldo there? Oh, Iswaldo.

24:01 Caller You know, here, here, here. That's good. OK, great. Yeah, that's all. That's all right.

24:07 Alanna Ubach Thank you very much. I had to like, you know, bring back a big of dead babies and.

24:11 Caller Wow.

24:12 Adam And didn't even drop one.

24:14 Drew No, through that hole, that whole exchange.

24:16 Adam Alanna Ubach here tonight. She's got a little movie out called Waiting.

24:21 Drew Go check it out.

24:21 Adam We're going to beat that out during the commercial break.

24:24 Drew And do Ranchero Countdown.

24:25 Adam Oh, yeah. Ace's Ranchero accordion countdown coming up. Do all that after this.

24:33 Caller Loveline, Adam Corolla, Dr. Drew.

24:35 Caller The phone number is 1-800-LOVE-191.

24:39 Adam Ready for something new? Try Durex Tingling Condoms.

24:52 Caller All right, this is Adam Carolla, and this is Dr. Drew.

24:55 Caller Yeah.

24:57 Alanna Ubach Where were you guys? You're taking a dump.

24:58 Adam We were talking about you.

24:59 Alanna Ubach Uh-huh, I was about to do the whole show by myself.

25:02 Caller Unacceptable, unacceptable, unacceptable.

25:03 Caller Unacceptable, unacceptable, unacceptable.

25:05 Drew We have an internal clock that is unyielding.

25:08 Adam Yeah, well, we must apologize because we're hanging out by the microwave. Now, you know, we're talking about Steve-O and whether he was in a blackout state or whatever he was last night when he was wrestling with me.

25:21 Alanna Ubach Was he wrestling with you on the show?

25:23 Drew Yes, well, wrestling is too kind a word.

25:25 Adam I think it was. Yeah.

25:27 Alanna Ubach Was he dry humping you?

25:28 Adam We got to forget. Alanna, now, I changed it to Ubach last time, but it was Ubach. Forever. And what do we want to what do we want to call it?

25:37 Drew Ubach didn't stick, right?

25:38 Alanna Ubach I think you're trying to flirt with me. You said, oh, kid, you know, come on, you can't call it Ubach forever. You got to call it Ubach.

25:45 Adam Ubach.

25:46 Alanna Ubach So I never forgot that.

25:47 Adam So what do you want to call it now?

25:49 Alanna Ubach A little crush. Ubach, Alanna Ubach.

25:53 Adam What do you want to call it?

25:55 Alanna Ubach Alanna Ubach.

25:56 Adam I'm going to put a line over this U or I'm not. You want to go U? Yeah, sure. I put that line under it. We got Ubach there. Waiting is the name of the movie.

26:06 Alanna Ubach October 7th it comes out. Go check it out.

26:08 Adam Ryan Reynolds, All of a sudden that. Andy Melonakis.

26:11 Alanna Ubach Anna Faris, Skyler Stone.

26:12 Adam Oh, really? Yeah. I don't know who those people are, but they sound hot.

26:16 Alanna Ubach Anna Faris?

26:17 Adam Anna Faris sounds hot. So does Skyler Stone. Skyler Stone. You'd date a Skyler Stone side unseen, wouldn't you, Drew?

26:25 Caller Yeah.

26:25 Alanna Ubach He's that kid from Khan.

26:27 Adam It's a dude?

26:28 Alanna Ubach He's a dude from Khan.

26:29 Caller Drew, you know how gay you are now?

26:32 Adam You said you'd go out with a dude.

26:35 Alanna Ubach He's my boyfriend.

26:37 Adam How gay is Drew trying to go out with your boyfriend?

26:40 Caller Skyler.

26:40 Drew Stone Skyler. Say, before we go further.

26:43 Adam Hold on a second. Is Skyler dude name? No.

26:46 Alanna Ubach It is.

26:47 Drew No.

26:48 Alanna Ubach It what? I swear.

26:49 Drew I know in this case it is.

26:50 Alanna Ubach Well, I mean, his name is Joseph Skyler. And so there you go. So he went with his middle name. Be like, calling myself, you know, Noel Ubach.

26:58 Adam Are you, are you dating Skyler Stone?

27:02 Alanna Ubach Yeah.

27:02 We're.

27:03 Adam Oh, you're getting it on.

27:04 We're.

27:04 Drew Yeah. Mom. Mom, you listening?

27:06 Alanna Ubach Mom, you listening? I took one look at that ass and I thought.

27:09 Drew Ranchero music.

27:10 Adam Oh, well, you know, let's take a phone call and then we'll do some Ranchero countdown. Let's take one call. Let's pretend like we're doing something. Haley?

27:18 Yes.

27:19 Adam You're 23?

27:20 Caller Sure am.

27:21 Caller What's up?

27:22 Caller I have been having sex with my boyfriend for just barely over a week. We've been together for like five months and we just barely started having sex and every single time we have sex, I bleed.

27:35 Drew Had that happened before with you or is this the first time you've ever had sex?

27:39 Caller No, I've had sex before. I've actually got a two and a half year old daughter.

27:43 Drew Did this ever happen to you before?

27:44 Caller Never. Never happened to me before.

27:46 Drew Are you on birth control?

27:48 Caller I do have an IUD.

27:49 Drew All right. Well, there you go.

27:50 Adam That's it?

27:51 Caller That's it. That could happen.

27:53 Drew Yes.

27:53 Alanna Ubach What does drunk driving have anything to do with sex?

27:56 Adam Drunk driving.

27:57 Drew IUD.

27:59 Caller Net DUI.

28:00 Drew Intrauterine device.

28:02 Adam That's funny.

28:04 Caller She's making a joke.

28:05 Caller I've never had a guy be able to hit it or anything.

28:08 Drew It has nothing to do with hitting it. It has very little to do with that. Just that the lining of the uterus is a little less stable when you're on birth control, when you have hormones, when you have an IUD.

28:18 Adam Where does that go? Does it go to a place you can't get to it?

28:21 Drew You can get to the string and stuff, the wire hanging out. Oh, really? But you may not. But the...

28:29 Adam Well, if I rolled my sleeve up...

28:31 Drew Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. But the fact is that when there's stimulation and pelvic congestion, you can bleed normally. And just when there's a little less stability to the uterine lining, of course you bleed.

28:42 Adam Right. All right. Haley, you got it?

28:44 Caller Okay. Sounds good. But is there any chance that it's him that's bleeding, not me?

28:49 Drew No.

28:49 Caller Let's see. Because it's only like a couple of drops of blood.

28:53 Drew It's you. The one thing I would be...

28:55 Adam Believe me, he's not bleeding.

28:56 Drew What do you think?

28:57 Adam His balls are bleeding?

28:58 Alanna Ubach Does he have a penis earring?

28:59 Drew The only thing you need to concern yourself...

29:00 Caller When he comes, I mean, I was wondering if maybe there's something that's wrong with him. I'm not sure.

29:06 Drew It's an interesting question.

29:07 Caller I told him that it wasn't me.

29:08 Drew No. With you, it would be normal.

29:11 Caller Okay.

29:11 Drew You expect that with what you're dealing with. And the only thing you need to concern yourself with is if you are exposed to an infection, it does suggest a slightly more open route to the higher genital tract and... The bleeding. Yeah, worse than an infection that way. All right.

29:24 Adam Now it's time to play Ace's Mexican Ranchero accordion Countdown.

29:29 Drew You ever played that before?

29:30 Alanna Ubach No.

29:31 Adam You've not played it on the show.

29:32 Alanna Ubach That is so exciting.

29:33 Adam It's exciting. The Ranchero music, the backbone of Ranchero music is the accordion.

29:39 Alanna Ubach Backbone.

29:39 Adam It's ubiquitous. It's the essence of Ranchero music. And we take a random Ranchero song, we go, we cue it up randomly. It could be the middle, could be the beginning, could be the end, which random song we've not heard before, randomly in the middle of the song. How long when we hit play before we hear an accordion?

30:02 Drew And give a lot of little background on your relationship with Ranchero.

30:05 Adam Well, I work around a lot of Ranchero music when you, you know, swing a hammer in the valleys. That's so hard.

30:11 Caller I thought you were Persian.

30:12 Adam No. No, I'm Mexican.

30:14 Caller Full-blooded.

30:16 Adam Full-blooded. I get by. So the point is, is now, Drew, you can go first.

30:24 Drew Okay.

30:24 Adam If you want.

30:25 Drew Four seconds.

30:26 Adam Four seconds, you say.

30:27 Drew Bold, bold statement, yes.

30:28 Adam Four seconds. Alanna?

30:31 Alanna Ubach Yes.

30:34 Adam Three seconds. Three seconds.

30:35 Drew Three seconds.

30:37 Adam Do I go immediate?

30:38 Drew Right. You got a good, you're in a good position now.

30:40 Adam It's tough. Yeah. Or I could go high. I could go five seconds.

30:43 Drew You could just go two or five and your question is which is it? I think I'd go two.

30:47 Adam You would go two? I'm going five.

30:49 Drew There you go.

30:50 Adam I'm going five. All right, now we're going to count it down.

30:53 Drew Because I want you to lose.

30:54 Adam Marcus, you primed. You ready? I'm so nervous. All right, Drew, you're watching the clock because this comes down to tens for a second. Three, two, one, go.

31:09 Drew I hate this one too. Oh, this is that anomaly one. Oh, there it is.

31:14 Nine seconds.

31:15 Caller Well, you were close. Let's do it.

31:17 Adam No, wait a minute.

31:18 Drew Please, pot it up.

31:19 Adam He's going to town. Yeah. Bring it up.

31:23 Drew Let's hear it. Come on, Marcus.

31:25 Caller Bring it up, buddy.

32:28 Adam Oh, oh, that is so much better than the . I remember the time we played it with Noel Gallagher.

32:36 Alanna Ubach I haven't taken lessons.

32:37 Adam So much better. That was awesome.

32:41 Drew I hope your mom's listening.

32:43 Alanna Ubach Oh, I hope so. She should be so proud. I've been going to lessons in Echo Park.

32:46 Adam Listen, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say you're going to walk out of the studio with a recording contract.

32:52 Alanna Ubach Are you serious?

32:54 Adam Of course.

32:54 Alanna Ubach No, I'm not. Don't lie.

32:55 Adam I'm saying somewhere there's a Ranchero Music mogul.

33:00 Drew He'll be at the gate.

33:01 Adam Driving his custom van right now listening to Alanna sing and saying this is.

33:08 Alanna Ubach Wouldn't that be so hard? Julio Iglesias decided to now become a producer and he's just outside ready to grab me.

33:13 Drew With the big white tiger and the woman with the crazy leather little cut on the side of his van.

33:19 Adam Oh, yeah. No, it's in rainbow tape. Yeah. Yeah, it's an Incan god. She's going to sacrifice.

33:24 Drew But the white tiger is always there.

33:25 Adam No, no, the snow leopard, that's another van. That's another van. This is a different one. This is the Incan god going to throw the chick in the brass bikini into the volcano.

33:36 Drew Got it. Right.

33:36 Adam Different van.

33:37 Alanna Ubach Oh my God. Is this what happened to Celine Dion? Was she on Love Line?

33:40 Adam This is how she got started.

33:40 Drew This is how she got discovered, yeah.

33:42 Alanna Ubach Yeah, I figured.

33:42 Drew Everyone knows that. I didn't believe you didn't know that.

33:45 Adam Daniel?

33:46 Caller Danny.

33:47 Drew 16, there he is.

33:47 Adam 16, what's up?

33:50 Alanna Ubach It's adorable.

33:52 Caller Hello? Are you shy?

33:53 Drew Hi, Daniel.

33:54 Caller Hey.

33:55 Drew Hey, what's up?

33:56 Caller I'm like, I'm like randomly jacked, you know?

34:01 Drew Randomly jacked.

34:02 Adam Yeah, whole bunch of people yelling in the background. But if you want to know why 6-year-old guys have difficulty getting laid, they have a hard, like, here's the deal, you need a little bit of a rap, you got to put together a sentence or two.

34:13 Drew Yeah, you got to be able to communicate, yeah.

34:14 Adam You can't just be standing there with a pizza face going, huh, you know what I'm saying?

34:19 Drew Oh yeah, women like somebody.

34:20 Adam That's why the 16 year old chicks are going out with the 19 year old dudes, because 16 year old dudes, they don't, can't form a sentence. Yeah, can't engage. Now this guy's making a bogus phone call, and has his buddies distract him in the background.

34:35 Caller Sorry.

34:36 Adam Yeah, all right, well it was a noble effort, Daniel.

34:41 Caller Yeah.

34:42 Adam I mean, it was an awesome, I mean, look, I've heard a lot of bogus phone calls in my 11 years here on the program, this is amongst the best.

34:51 Caller This isn't even bogus.

34:53 Adam Oh, it's not.

34:54 Drew Well, what's the question? Turn your radio off for one thing, and then tell us quickly. Oh boy, I'm asking for a lot there.

35:00 Adam Yeah.

35:01 Drew Tell us what the problem is.

35:03 Caller OK, like, I don't even have an erection, and then like stuff just comes out.

35:08 Drew Are you on medication?

35:09 Caller No.

35:10 Drew Really? Are you doing drugs?

35:12 Caller My inhaler.

35:14 Drew You know, I have heard of some funny stuff happen with my inhalers.

35:16 Adam What the hell is going on in the background? Is that the radio?

35:19 Drew Yeah, yeah.

35:20 Adam Hold on a second. Daniel, is your radio on in the background?

35:25 Caller No, people are talking.

35:27 Adam Who's talking?

35:28 Caller Someone retarded my friend.

35:30 Adam Yeah, it seems it's bogus.

35:32 Caller Yeah.

35:33 Adam It's bogus. Daniel, here's the thing, Stoner.

35:36 Drew There's a convention on this.

35:37 Adam Could you please put a little effort into the call? For the love of Christ, like, look, I like a bogus call. I had a TV show where all we did was bogus phone calls, but we prepared, we worked out the beats, people had questions, we had answers. You understand? I had people at the YMCA convinced I had conjoined twins that needed swimming lessons. They asked a couple of questions, I gave them some answers and we moved forward. You know what I mean?

36:06 Caller Yeah.

36:06 Adam I didn't go like, what are their names?

36:10 Caller What are their names?

36:13 Drew What are their names?

36:14 Adam What are their names?

36:14 Drew Yeah.

36:20 Adam Come on, buddy. Daniel.

36:23 Caller What?

36:24 Adam It's pathetic. This is a pathetic attempt. What'd he say?

36:31 Caller It's all my fault I was born this way, tardy.

36:36 Adam Okay, now he's scatting. Okay. Daniel, look, here's the deal. Do me a favor. Drop out of high school and go to junior college now. Because here's, let me just do the, I'm going to do the math with Daniel. You're going to spend seven years in junior college. Get started now.

36:52 Drew Right, get it over with.

36:53 Adam Well, get two years under your belt instead of wasting another two years in high school. And then spend five, it would be like just spending five years.

37:00 Drew Very well.

37:00 Adam Get out when he's 23, either way, anyway slices it.

37:03 Drew Good times, good times.

37:05 Adam Ah, guys are such J.O.s, you know? Yeah.

37:09 Alanna Ubach I was terrible in, I was trying to go to Cerritos College, you know, Cerritos Community College. I couldn't find a parking space.

37:16 Adam Junior college, now it's community. Junior.

37:19 Drew It's an offense to the community.

37:20 Alanna Ubach Is it really?

37:21 Adam Well, here's the thing.

37:22 Drew To say community.

37:23 Adam It's an attack on communities because community has a positive connotation to it, you know, community policing. He's a leader in the community. Then to soil it with the word college, community college makes...

37:37 Drew Especially there's a much more vivid alternative.

37:39 Adam Junior college. And believe me, junior college is being kind. You know what I mean? Like if you said, well, the the boxer, that's a junior Porsche, you know, that's not what college is. That's not what junior college is to a four year college.

37:55 Drew Junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior.

37:57 Adam I think so. Yeah. Well, so what happened? You couldn't get in, you couldn't find a place to park?

38:01 Alanna Ubach I couldn't find a parking space, so I just left. I dropped out. There's too many people there, you know.

38:06 Adam Yeah. Well, listen, you're smart and you're talented. You don't belong in junior, junior, junior college.

38:10 Alanna Ubach Thanks little chicken.

38:11 Adam That's just three juniors in front of the college.

38:13 Caller That's all.

38:15 Drew All right.

38:15 Adam We'll take a little break. Who are we going to talk to when we come back? Mike took Viagra for erectile difficulties and didn't work. Let's know about alternatives.

38:27 Drew Hey, read that iPod thing working along before we're going to break.

38:30 Alanna Ubach Yeah.

38:30 Drew What's in front of you?

38:31 Alanna Ubach Absolutely.

38:32 Adam Read it like your mom would read it though.

38:33 Alanna Ubach Well, I want to tell you about this iPod Nano.

38:35 Drew No.

38:36 Adam Well, wait a minute.

38:36 Alanna Ubach Is it Jewish?

38:37 Adam Yeah. Read it like your dad would read it.

38:40 Alanna Ubach Let me tell you something about this iPod Nano. Tonight and each night this week, we will be giving away a brand new iPod Nano. Now you have to do is listen for Dead Cab for Cutie, Soul Miss Body. Play it, baby. There it is. That's what it sounds like.

38:55 Caller It's a nice song.

38:59 Alanna Ubach It's a nice, nice song. In our bumper music, see? The bumper music is music you hear when we come back from a commercial break. Be the first person to get through and say, I've gotten enough to be a love life screener and you will win. You will also receive a gift certificate from iTunes for 10, vamos, yes, free downloads. You must be 18 years or older. Don't you lie either. We know if you're young.

39:27 Adam All right.

39:28 Drew What do you have there?

39:29 Adam Also, we're going to take a break. When we come back, Alanna is going to read her IMDB credits.

39:35 Alanna Ubach I am?

39:35 Adam As her father. I've just decided this is how it should go for this point on. Yeah. Now, remember, who did we have in here from?

39:47 Drew We had Seth Green.

39:48 Adam Seth Green from Family Guy reading his.

39:50 Caller Seth Green has worked nonstop since he began in the business.

39:55 Alanna Ubach Was that him?

39:55 Drew Yeah.

39:56 Adam That's him reading his bio as his character from the Family Guy.

40:01 Caller Wow.

40:02 Alanna Ubach That's impressive.

40:03 Adam Yeah.

40:03 Drew Yeah.

40:04 Adam Well, we may have Alanna do that too. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

40:09 Caller Loveline be right back in a minute.

40:17 Adam Yeah, buddy. It's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Alanna Ubach is here tonight.

40:22 Alanna Ubach Hello.

40:23 Adam She is a delight.

40:26 Alanna Ubach Thank you.

40:27 Adam And beautiful.

40:28 Alanna Ubach Oh, mi hijito. Gracias. You're not so bad yourself.

40:32 Adam Easy on the eyes.

40:34 Caller Easy on the eyes.

40:35 Adam And I'll bet a, I'll bet just a pole cat in bed.

40:39 Alanna Ubach Ay, mi hijito. It's a little bit of alpha hydroxy and a little bit of practice on Scatterstone.

40:44 Adam Yeah, she's good. And she's good in there, boy.

40:46 Alanna Ubach He makes me go.

40:47 Adam She's got energy, boy. I'll tell you what. Passion. I'm not going to back down. She's a passionate, passionate woman.

40:53 Alanna Ubach I've had my moments.

40:54 Adam She's got too much pride not to be great in the sack. You know, those people, you know, there's people that don't mind failure and there's people that don't mind being bad at things. I work with many of those people.

41:06 Alanna Ubach Oh, I'm hot. It's like humping an elf.

41:08 Adam Oh, yeah. Yeah.

41:10 Alanna Ubach Like midget wrestling.

41:12 Adam Yeah, she's tight. She's a spinner. Yeah. No, no, but this is an interesting concept. This is an interesting concept, which is there's a lot of people that just sort of refuse to do poorly no matter what they do.

41:25 Drew Right.

41:25 Adam And if you if they get in a pick up basketball game, they can't help but go 100 percent.

41:30 Drew There's a couple versions of that. There's people that need to win.

41:33 Adam I don't like that guy.

41:34 Drew That's a different guy. And the people that need to be perfect. That's what you're talking about.

41:37 Adam I don't like that guy either.

41:39 Drew You're talking more about the people that need to be perfect. They need to do a good job.

41:42 Adam Well, but being perfect is sort of a negative connotation.

41:46 Drew That's the worst version of what you're talking about.

41:48 Adam There's a third sort of cousin of those two, which when you're talking about doing anything, they need to understand it, they need to be good at it, and they need to show up. And they don't want anyone saying, you know what, Phil wasn't really too hot at this.

42:04 Drew What you're missing, because you're not that kind of person, is they're doing that for you. You see what I'm saying? That's what motivates that. It's a need to be good in the eyes of other people. People-pleasers. Yeah, and that's perfectionism.

42:17 Adam That's the extreme version of that. I have a lot of that in me. I don't like showing up and screwing things up or not catching on or being the guy holding things back.

42:26 Drew You gotta sell a different version. You don't want people to notice you.

42:29 Adam I would like people to stop looking at me. I'm just saying, Alanna, too much pride to suck in the sack.

42:37 Drew She's gonna do it right.

42:38 Adam Too much pride.

42:39 Alanna Ubach I've got a penis for days.

42:40 Adam That's what I'm thinking.

42:43 Drew I'm trying to figure that out.

42:46 Adam Keep moving forward, Drew. Just look forward, Drew. Keep talking.

42:49 Drew Don't worry.

42:49 Adam Mike?

42:50 Drew Freaking me out.

42:51 Adam 23?

42:53 Adam Corolla.

42:54 Adam Yeah, it's Adam. Alanna, we're trying to replace the pool game the kids play Marco Polo with Adam Corolla.

43:03 Alanna Ubach Oh, Adam Corolla.

43:04 Adam Right, right.

43:05 Alanna Ubach Oh my God, you narcissist.

43:07 Drew Of course you are.

43:09 Adam Here's what it would sound like.

43:10 Drew She loves that, though.

43:10 Adam Here's what it would sound like in a public pool.

43:12 Caller Go ahead. Adam.

43:15 Drew No, no.

43:17 Caller Am I doing Marco?

43:18 Caller No.

43:19 Adam Alanna, what would it sound like in a public pool?

43:22 Caller Adam Corolla!

43:24 Adam Yeah, there we go. Thank you. Mike?

43:27 Caller Yeah, how's it going?

43:28 Drew Yeah, what's up there, buddy?

43:29 Adam Can we do different pools?

43:30 Drew Yes, of course.

43:31 Adam We can do the, that's the publics, that's the public pool. Well, this is the above ground pool. Adam, you Corolla! See, that's the above ground.

43:40 Drew Right, right, good, excellent.

43:41 Adam Go ahead, Mike.

43:42 Drew Can you join the background for that?

43:43 Adam Go ahead, Mike.

43:44 Caller Okay, I sort of have ED. I don't know if it'd be classified as ED, but... I think it would.

43:50 Drew You have trouble, what, sustaining an erection or having an erection?

43:53 Caller Sort of having a full one. It's sort of, the best way I could describe it is sort of broken at the base of the penis where it's like, I'm still able to have intercourse, but it's still not fully...

44:04 Adam Swapping around. Like a Christmas tree without a stand.

44:07 Drew Now wait a minute here. It's that it falls forward or falls towards Mecca down, but it gets fully to mess it, fully firm.

44:19 Caller Besides the base it does, but the base remains flaccid.

44:22 Drew Oh really? Oh my goodness. And are you on medication?

44:27 Caller Um, yeah currently I'm on well, Butean and Prozac, but this has happened my whole life and I've been on and I haven't been on this, I haven't been on those meds my whole life. Really?

44:36 Adam Maybe he needs like a schlong corset.

44:40 Drew A schlong slit?

44:42 Alanna Ubach A schlong slit.

44:43 Caller He's got a wonderful schlong slit.

44:47 Drew Mike?

44:48 Caller Yeah.

44:50 Adam Well, you're on some meds that could definitely do some things but you've been on them for a while.

44:54 Drew And he said he had this long before he went on the meds. This is an unusual thing. And what have you tried about it?

44:59 Caller I've actually, they gave me a bi-agri-like sample of it.

45:03 Drew Right.

45:03 Caller And that didn't change it at all.

45:06 Drew How much did you take?

45:07 Caller I don't even know. It was a while ago. I mean, it seemed to, I lasted longer.

45:12 Drew Prolonged it, right. I would certainly, there are three different medicines that would help with that.

45:17 Adam Well, it sounds like you need to go to a urologist.

45:19 Drew Yeah, definitely. I really said that there's something-

45:21 Adam This seems weird that blood is getting in and not engorging that part. Right.

45:26 Drew Well, there may be a scar or something there.

45:27 Adam Something's going on down there.

45:29 Drew Yeah, you certainly try the different viagra-type medicines. Viagra, you want to take up to 100 milligrams, Cialis 20, and Levitra 10 or 20.

45:36 Adam Mike, do you have a lot of penis or just average?

45:40 Caller No, I had to say no.

45:41 Adam Just average. Yeah, because once in a while, a guy has a huge shlong and becomes unwieldy.

45:48 Drew It can't fill.

45:50 Adam Yeah, well, and when it does, its weight becomes too great for its base. You know?

45:57 Alanna Ubach Floppy poppy.

45:59 Drew That's what Alanna calls it.

46:00 Adam There's structural problems. Yeah.

46:02 Drew Floppy poppy.

46:05 Adam Usually-

46:05 Drew Needs a shlongsuit.

46:06 Adam You know the thing that-

46:07 Caller Floppy poppy.

46:09 Adam The thing that's weird is when you see that porn, every once in a while, the way the guy brings that back to life is he sort of smacks it on it on an ass or a coffee table or something. And it sort of activates it. It's like, it's like those glow sticks. Cold packs. Cold packs. Snaps it and all of a sudden it gets going. It's a weird thing. It's like, I can't get going. I got either like a coffee table or some ass or something. I got to whack this thing. Just just two or three shakes with this baby and it's back in action again. I don't know if it's a certain like flogging or waking up process. But yeah, it's like you do like what you do with a flare.

46:45 Caller All right.

46:45 Adam We'll take a quick break. We'll be back after this.

47:22 Caller Yeah, buddy, it's the Loveline.

47:23 Adam I'm Adam Nance, Dr. Drew. Alana, you back? She is a sweet, sweet little lachalupa. She's a wonderful little lachurro. She's a chorizo. She's a chorizo.

47:43 Alanna Ubach I see.

47:44 Adam She's like sugary and a little cinnamony.

47:47 Alanna Ubach I'm malicious and delicious.

47:49 Adam And a little greasy, too. That's all right. Helps it go down. Nothing wrong with that. Alanna is in a little movie called Waiting with Ryan Reynolds and Annie Melanakis and...

48:01 Alanna Ubach Louis Guzman on a Ferris, Skyler Stone and Dane Cook.

48:04 Adam Would you guys film that? I'd like to bang that Skyler Stone on the floor. That's a hot table. That name. Sight unseen. I would be on top of that chick right now.

48:13 Alanna Ubach She's a babe.

48:14 Adam She sounds smoking.

48:16 Caller I do a lot.

48:17 Drew Where did you film it?

48:19 Alanna Ubach We filmed in New Orleans, right outside of the French Quarter, like 20 minutes east, west, north, south of the French Quarter.

48:24 Drew Does that exist anymore?

48:26 Alanna Ubach It was. I think it's still standing.

48:29 Drew Was it a restaurant or something?

48:30 Alanna Ubach It used to be. A Bennigan's closed down and then we decided they went in there and made it to the location.

48:37 Adam It's high jinks at a restaurant. I got to tell you, people that do these things for businesses like have these chains of restaurants, I can't, I couldn't imagine, I mean, I couldn't imagine.

48:49 Drew It's a certain way to play the cat.

48:51 Adam No, no, no, I'm not talking about the guys, the sexually addicted people that manage the places.

48:57 Drew The racial manager that sweeps in.

48:59 Adam No, I'm just talking about the guy who says, I'm going to do this for a living. I'm going to get this place of business. I'm going to put 500 grand worth of equipment in the kitchen. There's going to be all sorts of inspectors. I'm going to have a guy poking around, he's going to put a thermometer in the mayo. And if it's a degree warmer, I'm going to get a C in the thing. And there's going to be people coming and going and quitting and sending food back and everything. And this whole platter of ribs is going to be $9.

49:26 Alanna Ubach Oh, yeah.

49:26 Drew Right. Residents are tough business.

49:28 Adam I mean, I would be like, okay, look, by the time I'm done rebuilding this place and buying all the commercial-grade equipment and hiring and staffing up and insurance and stuff, that burger is going to be $249, please. And I'm breaking even. I mean, I just couldn't. I know there's certain cases where, oh, the bar makes a ton of money or whatever, but I couldn't imagine doing and the turnover of staff.

49:53 Caller I mean, the hostesses, the waiters, all those lawsuits and the sexual harassment cases.

49:58 Adam People are suing, people want this, people are faking injuries and slipping in the kitchen. You got an illegal guy over here. The INS is coming over, the Hellbent's back there. I couldn't imagine doing it.

50:10 Drew It seems like it's sort of an impulse to try to recreate a high school. You know what I mean? Like a group, you know what I mean? Sort of a fraternity or something.

50:16 Alanna Ubach People do it all the time.

50:17 Drew Isn't that sort of what the impulse is?

50:19 Adam I'll tell you what it is. I knew a guy who's dead now, who died of hep C, who was gay, who owned a trendy restaurant on the west side.

50:32 Drew Where was this?

50:32 Adam I used to, it was called Muse. It was on Beverly and it was-

50:37 Drew Still there, isn't it?

50:38 Adam I think it's something else now, but I used to work on the guy's house. I used to work on his restaurant. The guy's name was Ron Braun. And he was a cool guy and everything. And that restaurant was his little Vegas. You know, he was Dan Tanner. When he showed up, all heads turned, he was a celebrity in his own place. Celebrities would come and eat there.

50:59 Drew I think that's some of what that impulse is for some people.

51:01 Adam You walk in and all eyes are on you. And you're the biggest celebrity in your restaurant. It's your restaurant. And I don't care if Tom Cruise is there, it's you. And I think, and he dug it. I mean, you could tell he really enjoyed being the guy who got this whole thing off the ground. Yeah. So I think there's that, but when you're talking about TGI Fridays and you're just. Oh yeah, there's always a leader there. There's always a leader there.

51:25 Alanna Ubach There's always guys, you know, they've always got a clip on time.

51:28 Drew If you live in Birmingham, Alabama or something, that's your, that's your raise thinking of, is that. All right.

51:34 Alanna Ubach Sure, sure.

51:35 Adam Adriana, I think I stepped on Alanna saying c-blocking by the way, which I'm not sure we're allowed to say.

51:43 Caller No, I didn't say that.

51:44 Caller I didn't say that.

51:45 Alanna Ubach I said clock blocking. Clock blocking. No, people, people go in, you know, earlier so they can get paid, you know, earlier.

51:55 Caller Oh, Jesus.

51:58 Alanna Ubach Oh, I'm just terrible.

52:00 Caller I'm the worst.

52:01 Alanna Ubach Oh, you idiot, Alanna. But I'll tell you something.

52:04 Drew One thing about this movie.

52:07 Alanna Ubach Clock.

52:08 Caller Yeah, I was in that with Parker Posey. Clock blocking.

52:14 Caller Clock watches.

52:15 Adam Yeah.

52:16 Rooster watches.

52:17 Adam Clock blocking is when one guy wants to punch in.

52:19 Drew And then get blocked.

52:20 Adam Another guy just throws his body in front of the time clock.

52:23 Caller It's a clock blocking.

52:25 Adam That's a 15 yarder, my friend.

52:26 Alanna Ubach You are not clocking in at five.

52:29 Drew Oh, wait, hey, listen, tonight and every night, tonight it's Death Cab for Cutie. The song is Soul Meets Body. I'll give you a hint. Listen, listen carefully. Soon in our bumper music, coming back out of commercial, you hear that song, you call in and be the first person to get through who's over 18 years of age and say.

52:46 Alanna Ubach And say what? What do I say? I bought an iPhone.

52:50 Drew There you go. Just like that. And you'll also receive a gift certificate from iTunes for 10 downloads.

52:54 Adam Say clock block.

52:57 Drew Clock block.

53:01 Alanna Ubach Next caller.

53:03 Clock block.

53:07 Adam Hey, Adriana.

53:08 Hello.

53:10 Hello.

53:10 Adam Yeah, you're 22. What's up?

53:14 Caller I've listened to the show for a long time and it's the first time for me to call in. Thank you. I am 22. I go to college. I'm a senior at school. I'm graduating in May and before you even ask, that's always your first question. I was sexually molested when I was two and off and on throughout my adolescence by my grandfather.

53:37 Drew Fantastic.

53:38 Caller What's the question? Yes, that is an issue because you always ask.

53:43 Drew It would put you at risk for addictions and personality problems.

53:46 Caller That's exactly why I'm calling because my addiction is a little weird. I'm an extreme overachiever, like valedictorian, scholar. Really?

53:56 Drew It can happen.

53:57 Caller Like pre-med, I accepted to medical school my freshman year of college. I'm not bragging. I just am very accomplished.

54:06 Adam No, some people essentially take whatever abuse they had in the past and it supercharges them. It can become like Madonna or Oprah.

54:19 Drew That's right. That's who that is.

54:21 Adam Basically somebody gets hold of Oprah, does a little diddling on Oprah and pow, you have a dynamo adult. Oh, you want to kill yourself, you have to work with them, but they can never stop working.

54:32 Caller Yeah, exactly.

54:33 Drew That's Adriana.

54:34 Caller I started cutting myself when I started going to high school. And it's like weird because I'm always in leadership roles and I'm always used as a role model. Even in high school, I was like a general model to the elementary school students.

54:47 Adam Yeah. Well, where are you going to school now?

54:49 Caller I go to Texas A&M.

54:50 Adam All right. Go Aggies.

54:53 Drew Howdy.

54:55 Caller There you go. Giggum.

54:57 Adam Yeah. I don't know what Giggum means, but let me tell you this. We did Texas A&M.

55:02 Drew Yes, you and I.

55:03 Adam We did a little college lecture there.

55:04 Alanna Ubach Texas A&M.

55:05 Drew Do you remember what the punchline of that experience was?

55:09 Adam I just remember that if you go out on stage in front of 3,000 kids at Texas A&M and you go, howdy, 3,000 people in unison go, howdy.

55:19 Drew They go, howdy.

55:20 Adam A wall of howdy hits you back.

55:22 Drew In unison. It's crazy. In unison. The other one we hit that was like that was when you go to Ohio State and go OH. Remember that one?

55:30 Adam Yeah.

55:31 Drew The whole room goes, I like this. It's crazy.

55:34 Adam Yeah. They love it. Yeah.

55:36 Drew In Ohio?

55:36 Adam Yeah.

55:37 Caller Ohio State.

55:38 Adam Yeah.

55:38 Drew Okay. But here's the deal, Adriana. So you've got some serious stuff going on. And all that, that sort of, you're sort of in one of the ways to sort of conceptualize what you're dealing with is, we call it running phase of post-traumatic stress disorder, where you're hyperachieving, you're harried and you're just constantly running, running, running, running, running. And you basically overload your system's ability to regulate and you fall back in these more primitive means such as using substances, cutting, probably acting out sexually as a way of sort of managing all this.

56:07 Caller Yes? And I have been in therapy for two years.

56:10 Drew Good. Stay with it. Stay with it.

56:13 Caller I have a psychiatrist and a psychologist, like my therapist. Like I see her weekly. But the thing that is kind of frustrating me now about it is like, I was a cutter in high school and then I stopped and then I picked up. It's weird. It's like as soon as I drop some bad behavior, I pick up another one.

56:34 Drew Yeah, of course. It's a bid. It's what we call a bid for regulation.

56:38 Adam They're attempting to regulate.

56:40 Drew Attempting to regulate by primitive means because you don't have any other resources that are available to you. And really, in my experience, if you want to, these are, as you mentioned, you called them addictions. And I imagine there's some substances involved with this too. Why not avail yourself of a 12-step program? Because that, I mean, it sounds like a platitude. These are not sort of, hey, why don't you eat right and exercise more? This is a treatment process. If you really throw yourself into, it does add something to what you're doing already. And I wouldn't know what medicine she was on.

57:10 Caller All right.

57:12 Drew What meds, Adriana?

57:14 Caller I've been on a Fexer for almost two years. I was on Prozac, but I had a bad reaction to it.

57:21 Drew Are you on a mood stabilizer or just an antidepressant?

57:24 Caller I'm sorry?

57:25 Drew Are you on a mood stabilizer or just an antidepressant?

57:29 Caller I don't know. I think a Fexer, I'm not sure.

57:32 Drew Are you just on a Fexer?

57:33 Caller Yeah, I'm on a Fexer. I'm on 300 milligrams.

57:36 Drew All right, good. That's a big dose too. All right. That's a big dose.

57:38 Adam That's a big dose?

57:40 Drew That's all right. She's got a lot of heavy biologists she's fighting.

57:43 Adam No, man.

57:44 Drew Good. 12-step. There you go.

57:46 Adam Let me ask you something with the Adriana's of the world. They can get good and functional, and they can be super successful in life. Man, they can make millions of dollars.

57:56 Drew Relationships.

57:57 Adam That's what I'm saying. Oprah's been engaged for 118 years.

58:00 Drew Relationships.

58:01 Adam Not tied to not at 55.

58:03 Drew Goes sour.

58:04 Adam That's what I'm saying. I mean, the Madonna's, although she's managed to sort of hang on.

58:11 Drew She, I think, my speculation is she's-

58:13 Alanna Ubach Not depressive.

58:14 Drew Lots of treatment. You see, if you've seen her progress, you notice this is a different person now.

58:18 Adam She's been kabalinized.

58:20 Drew Or whatever. She's sort of involved in something that's working for her.

58:24 Alanna Ubach Wild.

58:24 Adam I think being out of the house a lot's good too, and having that guy on a different coast is good. Or you know what's good for a relationship? Living in a manner.

58:32 Drew Right. A wing.

58:34 Adam People don't realize that when you live on top of somebody, I mean all the relationships I had, where I had that small one bedroom apartment and doubled down on the futon, and we lived, I lived in some bachelor pad size apartments. There was some singles. You know what I mean? Like I didn't have a bedroom, just the one room with the little kitchen. It don't take long to start arguing when you guys are locked in a broom closet together, essentially trying to live your life. It is nice when you got a little space. Some guy, somebody can go upstairs and watch TV and the other person go down in the den and read a book.

59:12 Drew Yeah, absolutely.

59:13 Alanna Ubach Having kids also helps.

59:14 Adam A book means beat off eight times, by the way. But you know what I'm saying?

59:19 Drew I know what you're playing.

59:19 Adam All I'm saying is, is I think I swear some of these relationships work because they got twenty five thousand square feet and somebody can just go upstairs and sit in their four-post bed over there and read something and someone else can go down to the stables and do a little writing. You know what I mean? You're right. I mean, Drew, seriously, you got three kids. Your wife say she's a delight, but she's got a motor in her too. Imagine, and you're a man of passion. A man, imagine the five of you living in like a one bedroom. You know what I'm saying? The stress, the whatever.

59:55 Drew Imagine a mother-in-law or something needs to come into that too.

59:58 Adam Oh, yeah. You got a little two bedroom over in Van Nuys. Kids are all in one bedroom.

1:00:03 Drew Yeah.

1:00:03 Adam And now the mother-in-law is in the living room. Yeah. She's now on the Murphy bed in the living room. You guys can't find a little space to get a little coitus in. The kids are constantly fighting. You know what I'm talking about?

1:00:16 Drew Oh my goodness. Yes.

1:00:17 Adam You walk in the front door and when you open the front door, you see everybody who's in your house. There's nobody that's out of view.

1:00:24 Alanna Ubach That would make a great reality show, wouldn't it?

1:00:26 Adam That is the reality of 90% of the people that live on this planet. Maybe 95%.

1:00:32 Drew We only got out of a house that size like five years ago. We had that little place we were in.

1:00:36 Adam We were in a little place. Kids naked.

1:00:38 Caller Naked.

1:00:39 Adam Nude. Naked as J-birds. Uncomfortable.

1:00:43 Drew The first time he came over to my house for dinner with his wife-to-be, my kids threw off their clothes and started jumping off these sort of architectural appointments.

1:00:51 Alanna Ubach That's so cute.

1:00:52 Drew And they're one.

1:00:53 Adam Uncomfortable.

1:00:54 Drew They were one and Adam was like, Oh, oh, I can't look.

1:00:56 Caller Oh, oh, oh.

1:00:57 Adam I'm sorry. I do not delight at pre-pubescent genitalia. You understand?

1:01:05 Alanna Ubach You were born with a little baseball cap on and a white shirt.

1:01:08 Adam I just, I just, I just, I'm sorry. I do not like the look at two-year-old genitalia, Drew. That's me. That's just me.

1:01:16 Drew Let's play a little Germany or Florida.

1:01:17 Adam Dan?

1:01:18 Yes, sir.

1:01:19 Adam You're 26?

1:01:20 Caller That's right.

1:01:21 Adam Are you ready to play a little Germany or Florida?

1:01:23 Caller Let's get it on. All right. Germany or Florida. Two lawyers have asked the government to place the Bible on the national not for children list because it is too violent. In a statement to the government, they claim it preaches genocide, racism, and enmity towards Jews, gruesome executions for adulterers and homosexuals, the murder of one's own children, and many other perversities. The article continues, in these days of political panic and pandering over violence in the media, it's difficult to know whether these lawyers are serious or just trying to make a point, Germany or Florida.

1:01:58 Drew That is a good one.

1:01:59 Adam Well, it's tough because on one hand, it smacks of those pussies over at the ACLU.

1:02:04 Drew And on another hand, When you use a word like perversity, I think German.

1:02:07 Adam I think German, although I thought those people were for genocide, I didn't know they were against genocide.

1:02:13 Drew Or just these ones making a point.

1:02:15 Adam Or there's a handful of Germans that aren't pro-genocide, pro-geicide.

1:02:20 Caller Hmm.

1:02:21 Adam Cause they're really, you know, that's really, you know, they're folks, they're folks that have a rich, rich history and a love of genocide. So it's tough when you hear about some of them speaking out against it.

1:02:32 Drew It sounds so Florida, American, you know, the kind of BS, you know, proven a point kind of stuff. I don't think other countries waste their resources on that kind of thing.

1:02:43 Alanna Ubach Definitely Florida.

1:02:44 Adam Decent point.

1:02:45 Drew She's convinced me.

1:02:46 Adam I'm going to Florida.

1:02:48 Drew I'm on the fence, so I'm really.

1:02:49 Adam You really? You're going to Florida? I'm going to Germany just to mix it up a little bit. Dan, is it Germany or Florida?

1:02:56 Caller Ace, you're right, Germany.

1:02:59 Caller Yeah.

1:03:00 Caller Yes.

1:03:02 Adam Yes.

1:03:02 Caller Hell yeah.

1:03:04 Drew Well done.

1:03:05 Caller Thank you.

1:03:07 Alanna Ubach Isn't Scientology illegal in Germany? Illegal.

1:03:11 Adam I have heard a few things, a few things like that. Yeah.

1:03:14 Drew Interesting.

1:03:14 Adam Sorry, I got a head rush.

1:03:15 Drew How did Scientology come into the mix here?

1:03:17 Alanna Ubach I was just saying that Germany, they mean business. Yeah. When it comes to religion and cults and-

1:03:23 Drew Weird stuff.

1:03:24 Alanna Ubach They draw the lines and they make the rules and-

1:03:26 Adam Yeah. Yeah. They're precise people. Yeah.

1:03:29 Caller Slow talkers.

1:03:30 Adam Yeah. Slow talkers. But boy, they can build an oven over there. I'll tell you what, boy, they know how to build. Yeah. High quality over there in Germany.

1:03:38 Drew They make Vikings?

1:03:39 Adam Yeah. The Crops makes lots of stuff over there. Yeah. Yeah. I'm saying. I know people, it's in poor taste to make fun of the Germans for trying to exterminate a race of people. Yeah. Because it was thousands of years ago.

1:03:55 Drew Oh no, wait a minute.

1:03:56 Adam Oh no, wait a minute. Oh no, wait a minute. Yeah. No one's, you know, come on. Forgive and forget. There's six million Jews, 20 million Russians. Just move forward. Can we just shake that one off and move forward?

1:04:09 Caller Let's just move forward.

1:04:10 Adam Yeah, they're good people.

1:04:11 Caller They're grateful.

1:04:14 Adam Awesome folks.

1:04:15 Caller Jessica?

1:04:17 Caller Yeah?

1:04:18 Adam Yeah. What's up there, baby doll? 20?

1:04:20 Caller Okay. So when I was younger, like sixth grade around, I started having like severe anxiety problems. And it got to the point where I couldn't go to school out of fear, just like being in a room with other people. But you know, at that age, you can't, you're not really familiar with it. And you didn't know, I didn't know what it was.

1:04:44 Drew I would think, I would, I would, if I were evaluating that, my highest suspicion would be that that was a depression.

1:04:50 Caller It was what?

1:04:51 Adam That anxiety was depression.

1:04:52 Drew An agitated depression, yeah.

1:04:54 Caller Yeah, it actually progressed into that. It went through junior high. It was pretty bad. And then around my sophomore year in high school, I was like, okay, there's definitely something wrong.

1:05:06 Adam Well, how did it manifest itself? You had anxiety attacks?

1:05:09 Caller Yeah, I started having anxiety attacks. I started cutting, I believe, my freshman year.

1:05:18 Drew Again, a bit of regulation. Overwhelmed, can't regulate.

1:05:20 Adam They call me old fashioned, but back in my day, cutting just meant missing class and going to the reservoir. That would be cutting.

1:05:27 Drew Also meant to do with flatulence.

1:05:30 Adam Cutting a fart, cutting a class. Well, back in Drew's day would cut a rug. 22 skidoo.

1:05:35 Drew Cutting cheese.

1:05:37 Alanna Ubach You guys are so fast, I can't keep up with you.

1:05:39 Adam Raccoon coat. Pull up the Stutzberg can.

1:05:44 Drew Yeah.

1:05:45 Adam Go ahead, Jessica. And everyone's just cutting on themselves. I seriously mean, when I was in high school, someone said, this person's a cutter. You'd be like, cutting class, cutting farts. I was like, what do you mean, cutter? Hold on a second. Let me say something. When did people start cutting? Did they always cut? And if they did cut, who knew about it? And what was done? And here's what I'm saying. Did it become an acceptable behavior that we gave a title to, and now it sort of became a disease, and now we treated it as such, or are there more effed up people now than there were 20 years ago?

1:06:22 Drew No, more abuse survivors, and as far as abuse survivors attend in this direction. Cutting's been around forever. It's just a human impulse, but I used to see it only behind the walls of a psychiatric hospital. Now it's sort of de rigueur. It's everywhere. It's all kids do this. More trauma survivors out there, and therefore more cutters, I think.

1:06:39 Alanna Ubach What does my sister say that, what she recommends for cutters is to hold ice? Like that helps? I don't know.

1:06:46 Caller She's a psychotherapist.

1:06:48 Alanna Ubach Holding ice really takes away that urge.

1:06:52 Adam What would your dad say about it?

1:06:53 Alanna Ubach Holding ice, yellow, as we say. Don't cut yourself.

1:07:00 Adam Jessica? Yeah. So, yeah, were you abused? Did you say she was abused?

1:07:06 Caller No, I don't think so.

1:07:08 Drew This, by the way, is not that syndrome, I don't think. I think this is severe depression.

1:07:13 Caller Yeah, I would agree. When junior started until about my first year of college, a lot of stuff happened. I was raped. I found out my dad was cheating on my mother.

1:07:24 Drew I also hear eating disorder. I just hear eating disorder.

1:07:26 Adam Eating disorder, Jessica?

1:07:28 Caller You guys are geniuses.

1:07:30 Drew Yeah, I can hear it on you.

1:07:31 Caller I actually replaced cutting with bulimia.

1:07:35 Drew This is the crazy hyperachieving over intrusive family. Are you in Newport or something?

1:07:41 Caller Orange County.

1:07:42 Adam Yeah, was your dad an attorney, a professional?

1:07:45 Caller Computer programmer.

1:07:48 Adam Do your parents put a lot of pressure on you to be perfect?

1:07:52 Caller No, they didn't.

1:07:55 Caller No, they didn't.

1:07:56 Caller We were a very cold family until I came out with all this. It's all very hush-hush. Until my senior year, I had a suicide attempt, which is really more a cry for attention like, hey, I need help.

1:08:07 Caller Yeah.

1:08:08 Adam Oh, by the way, as of last night, I don't like the cry for help anymore. I like to replace that with yelp for help.

1:08:16 Caller Yelp for help. Okay.

1:08:17 Adam It's kind of cute, makes it nice. So it's like, it wasn't really a suicide attempt. It was just a yelp for help. It's got a little Dr. Seuss kind of vibe to it. It just in general makes a bad situation a little bit better. Yelp for help. Yeah. You do that thing where you're like, I have a 16-year-old daughter. She tried, she got herself and went into a bathtub. We think it was a yelp for help. And then the other person goes, oh, all right. Well, why did hop on pop thing? All right. So you had a yelp for help. And what are you on now? Are you on medication or anything?

1:08:49 Caller Well, that's the thing. I've been on several different medications and they all just make me very disassociated, very very cold and maybe maybe you need to adjust it. Yeah. Let's see. Selexa and Zoloft, Paxil. And then my last regimen was Prozac, Lithium, Lamactyl and Risperdal.

1:09:11 Drew So you're bipolar, you're diagnosed bipolar.

1:09:14 Caller Yeah, I'm diagnosed bipolar. But the thing is, like, I, I've read up a lot on it just because all the meds.

1:09:21 Adam Hold on a second, Jessica. Let me, let me just, let me just jump in here.

1:09:25 Caller Okay.

1:09:26 Drew This is pop-scrolling now.

1:09:27 Adam Well, I was thinking to myself, maybe this Tom Cruise has a point. You know, I mean, here's, here's the thing. You've tried every med in the book.

1:09:35 Drew No, no, it is that she's on a very aggressive, but reasonable combination and she's better.

1:09:40 Adam Well, she's not calling to tell us how much better she is though.

1:09:44 Alanna Ubach Are you not cutting anymore?

1:09:46 Drew You can tell she's better just because you can feel it. I mean, yeah, you feel she's not cutting and feeling relatively stable.

1:09:50 Adam She doesn't sound, yes, you don't sound, you don't sound like you're spinning out of control. But on the other hand, you it's sad. All right, let me talk to everyone. It's sad to see young people sort of becoming doctors and and and go ahead. And, you know, here's the thing. People used to talk about a stigma, like when people find out you're at the therapist, then you people think you call kids make fun of you. They call you crazy, become stigmatized. And you would worry about society creating a stigma. People are creating a stigma within their own skeleton now. Like they're walking around feeling like I'm broken, I'm nuts. I'm on all these meds. I have this diagnosis, I have that diagnosis. And now they're just sort of doing it to themselves in a weird way. Forget about society. I'm not saying that she doesn't have problems and I isn't not saying she doesn't need to be realistic about it. But to walk around all day with is your sort of mantra of I'm bipolar, I need help, this and that. Maybe that's not the greatest approach. Maybe take the meds like somebody takes a multivitamin every morning and then then get on with life. Start doing some pushups, do a little dance and take a jog, find a job.

1:11:04 Drew Don't feel chronically impaired or disabled.

1:11:08 Adam I think we're giving people that option now and I think a lot of them are latching on to it.

1:11:13 Drew It could be.

1:11:14 Adam Well, there's definitely more of that going on than it used to be. Jessica?

1:11:18 Caller Yeah.

1:11:19 Adam Alright, so here's my thing. You have a problem and you're taking care of it and now let's move forward. Take care of it but that doesn't become who you are.

1:11:29 Drew Thing is what?

1:11:30 Caller Yeah, I got off the meds. I haven't been on them for about six months and because like you guys are saying, like I don't want to diagnose myself bipolar and just like kind of give into it, you know, like, oh, it's okay that I'm this way because I'm bipolar, so I got off the meds and I just been, you know, up and down, up and down and I was wondering if I should just get back on the meds.

1:11:55 Drew Yes, you should be on something. You should be taking the advice of somebody you trust who's well trained and clearly you should be in some sort of long-term therapy. Yeah. All right.

1:12:02 Adam So go do that. And the part that I was talking about is not, don't take your meds. Take your meds like somebody pops an aspirin in the morning and then go about your way. I don't walk around all day thinking about the multivitamin.

1:12:13 Drew You'll have that be your identity.

1:12:15 Adam Right. That's what's going on. People, here's what's going on.

1:12:20 Alanna Ubach Treat it like a religion.

1:12:22 Adam Here's what's going on. Yes. Your religion becomes your identity sometimes. Your affliction becomes your identity. The color of your skin becomes your identity. Everything. For some people, your job becomes, your team becomes your identity. Stop with everything becoming your identity, please. Or have more than one. All right. Please. The fact that you're a Yankees fan, that can't be it. You got to have a couple. Would you please? Everyone's so one dimensional. So like I'm this fan. I'm that guy. I'm into this. I'm extreme this. I get tats. That's my identity. I get aggressive piercings. That's my identity. Like whatever it is, don't just have one of those things. Be a renaissance person. Be a collage of many great things and keep them to your goddamn self.

1:13:07 Drew Please.

1:13:08 Alanna Ubach Be a renaissance man. That's a great movie rented.

1:13:10 Adam Just be a collage of many things and then shut the f up about it.

1:13:14 Drew Dave Kupaj. That's the new cult artist.

1:13:16 Adam Dave Kupaj and shut the f up. That's those are the two things everyone needs to work on.

1:13:21 Drew No clock blocking.

1:13:22 Adam Do not block my clock. We will take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

1:13:29 Caller Loveline, we'll be right back.

1:13:34 Drew Live 105.

1:13:35 Caller Root.

1:13:38 Caller It's coming.

1:13:39 Caller Socom 3 launch event. When?

1:13:42 Caller Monday, October 10th.

1:13:44 Caller Where?

1:13:44 Caller PlayStation Store, San Francisco.

1:13:58 Caller This is Friday night at Oakland Arena. Nine Inch Nails live with Queen To The Stone Age and Auto Lux. Nine Inch Nails with Queen To The Stone Age and Auto Lux. Live. Live. Tickets on sale now. Available through Ticketmaster or at 8concerts.com. Brought to you by your friends at Another Planet. For more info, check out nin.com. Nine Inch Nails live with special guest Queen To The Stone Age and Auto Lux.

1:14:49 Alanna Ubach All right, everybody, listen up. Time to meet the man or woman of your dreams.

1:14:53 Drew You've got 45 seconds. On your mark, get set, fall in love. Hi, I'm Jen.

1:14:59 Caller I'm Joe.

1:14:59 Drew Ever done this fast-dating thing before?

1:15:01 Caller Once.

1:15:01 Caller How'd it go?

1:15:02 Caller Pulled a hamstring.

1:15:02 Alanna Ubach Is that a joke?

1:15:03 Caller Yeah, if I had more time.

1:15:04 Caller Would have been funnier?

1:15:05 Caller Right.

1:15:05 Alanna Ubach Guess we should start.

1:15:06 Caller Okay.

1:15:06 Alanna Ubach I'm a college student, theater major, cat person, good speller, wish I was taller.

1:15:09 Caller My turn? Hurry. Okay, my name's Joe.

1:15:11 Caller You said that.

1:15:12 Caller And I enjoy repeating myself.

1:15:13 Caller We're on the clock.

1:15:14 Caller Okay, I'm a dollar menu guy. Took a pause there?

1:15:19 Caller Yeah, major pause.

1:15:20 Caller Really shouldn't pause.

1:15:20 Caller Didn't know what to say.

1:15:21 Caller How about this? Wow, you're a fascinating and complex man.

1:15:23 Caller How about this?

1:15:24 Caller What's a dollar menu guy?

1:15:25 Caller Okay, it's a guy who goes to McDonald's, gets double cheeseburgers, McChicken sandwiches, fries, hot fudge sundaes, apple pies.

1:15:31 Caller And that's you?

1:15:32 Caller Yeah, you're very attracted to me right now.

1:15:34 Caller I am? Why's that?

1:15:35 Caller Because you know the money I save off the dollar menu will go directly to showering you with expensive gifts.

1:15:39 Caller Has this ever worked?

1:15:39 Caller First time, what'd you think?

1:15:40 Caller It's original.

1:15:41 Drew How's your hamstring? Good.

1:15:42 Caller Thanks for asking.

1:15:44 Caller I'm loving it.

1:15:45 Caller Price and participation may vary.

1:15:47 Drew I'm here with Kano, Scion owner.

1:15:49 Caller Tell me about your car, man.

1:15:51 Caller It's a 2006 Scion XA.

1:15:53 Drew And not your average XA if there is such a thing.

1:15:55 Caller So what'd you do to make your XA your XA?

1:15:58 Caller Well, when I got it from the dealer, I had them add a lot of stuff they had available, you know, like alloys, spoiler, TYC taillights, LED interior light kits. The cupholders light up too. I like lights. Cool.

1:16:08 Caller I love it.

1:16:09 Caller You get a lot of looks. Yeah, no, definitely. And people ask me about the car all the time, but I don't do it for that. It's more for me. And I'm selfish that way, I guess.

1:16:16 Caller Can't argue with that.

1:16:18 Caller Customize your Scion a little or a lot. The journey to your perfect car starts at your local Scion dealership or scion.com, where an XA like Kano's starts at well below 15,000 MSRP and you can load it up with over 30 factory accessories, all backed by the Scion warranty. Scion, what moves you? MSRP includes delivery, processing, and handling fees, excludes taxes, title, license, and optional equipment, accessories sold separately, actual dealer price may vary.

1:16:45 Caller Consider yourself a music insider, huh? Well, then you should check this out. Be the first to get the inside scoop, discover the hottest bands and get their latest downloads. All you need to do is log to musicinthezone.com, brought to you by your friends at Old Spice. musicinthezone.com lets you discover music on your own terms, exposing you to hot, cutting-edge music before it hits the radio. Log on now to enter to win one of 30 custom iPod Minis to learn about upcoming Music In The Zone events in your area and much, much more. Find out about upcoming shows, get the story on cool, new emerging acts, and receive download codes redeemable at iTunes for artists like Louis XIV, plus Big City Rock, The Exes, and Cold. Log on to musicinthezone.com right now to discover tomorrow's sounds today, brought to you by your friends at Old Spice.

1:17:34 Caller Love Line, Love Line, with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

1:17:37 Caller Call Love Line at 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:17:39 Caller Live 105, Alternative, San Francisco.

1:18:02 Caller Yeah, everybody, it's Loveline.

1:18:04 Adam I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Dr. Drew's on the computer.

1:18:07 Alanna Ubach I'm Dr. Drew.

1:18:08 Adam That's Dr. Drew to my left. Alanna Ubach is here tonight. Hi. Got herself a little movie out. Well, it's not out yet.

1:18:17 Alanna Ubach Waiting. It comes out. Yeah. Well, it comes out October 7th. Check it out.

1:18:20 Adam Yeah. Ryan Reynolds in it. Annie Melnockis. Hot, hot Skylar Stone.

1:18:26 Alanna Ubach Justin Long, Caitlin Doubleday.

1:18:28 Adam Caitlin Doubleday.

1:18:30 Alanna Ubach Yeah.

1:18:31 Adam Wow.

1:18:31 Alanna Ubach What a great last name.

1:18:33 Adam Justin Long, Caitlin Doubleday. These are poor names.

1:18:35 Alanna Ubach I like to double her day. Oh, yeah.

1:18:38 Adam It's Caitlin Doubleday, huh?

1:18:39 Alanna Ubach I like to Caitlin her Doubleday.

1:18:41 Adam Yeah. She sounds hot.

1:18:42 Alanna Ubach Oh, yeah.

1:18:43 Drew I think Alanna's going, huh?

1:18:45 Alanna Ubach I like to Caitlin her Doubleday. I don't know what I'm talking about.

1:18:48 Drew Just saying.

1:18:48 Adam Tell you something about Alanna. She is the sun. She doesn't care who she burns.

1:18:54 Caller Fluid.

1:18:54 Adam You know what I mean?

1:18:55 Caller Fluid.

1:18:55 Adam She goes, I mean, she beams, you know? I think she could find love with a woman, a man. She's a raccoon. You know what I mean? She could find love.

1:19:04 Alanna Ubach And I love myself a good midget every once in a while.

1:19:07 Adam A good midget and speaking of loving herself. As a woman of passion, Drew, imagine taking your passion and ramming it into a vagina. And I don't mean it that way.

1:19:24 Alanna Ubach Putting a lot of emotions into a vagina.

1:19:26 Adam No, don't laugh. You know what I'm saying? Taking a lot of this passion and pushing it into a vagina.

1:19:31 Drew Forget the vagina part, just the x-axis.

1:19:32 Adam Well, putting a vagina around your passion.

1:19:34 Drew Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:19:35 Adam You know what I mean? Well, you know what I'm saying, Drew. I'm not trying to be funny. I'm saying imagine you with your passion.

1:19:43 Drew Very interesting.

1:19:44 Adam And a vagina. Imagine how fluid you would be. There'd be nothing off limits. You know what I'm saying? Women, men, wouldn't matter.

1:19:56 Drew We would be Alanna.

1:19:57 Adam That's right.

1:19:58 Alanna Ubach Would you have said what would you say?

1:19:59 Drew I'm just saying.

1:20:00 Alanna Ubach You get me and shove me up a vagina?

1:20:02 Caller No, no, please, please.

1:20:04 Caller Please.

1:20:08 Adam I may not have worded what my thought was exactly.

1:20:11 Alanna Ubach I don't know what you guys were talking about.

1:20:13 Adam I think you knew what I meant.

1:20:14 Drew I know what you meant. Yes.

1:20:15 Adam Thank you.

1:20:16 Drew It just had a double entendre.

1:20:17 Adam Well, I didn't think it was funny, John.

1:20:21 Drew Yeah.

1:20:22 Adam You're 30.

1:20:22 Drew There he is.

1:20:24 Caller Yeah, I'm 30.

1:20:25 Adam What's up? You don't sound excited about it.

1:20:29 Caller How are you doing? Millionaire, literally, literally a millionaire.

1:20:33 Adam Yeah.

1:20:34 Drew You too?

1:20:35 Adam No, no, no, no, no, no. Not John. No. What do you do for a living, John?

1:20:41 Caller I am a biopentation engineer.

1:20:44 Adam Garbage man takes the garbage in the hospital.

1:20:47 Caller Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm a custodian.

1:20:49 Adam Okay. All right. So you mop up syringes and stuff like that.

1:20:54 Drew Yeah, you got it.

1:20:55 Adam And stuff like that.

1:20:56 Drew Why else?

1:20:56 Caller For a community college.

1:20:59 Adam For a community college?

1:21:01 Caller For a community college.

1:21:02 Alanna Ubach Cerritos?

1:21:04 Caller Yes, I'm for real.

1:21:05 Drew You know what? My profession needs a new description.

1:21:09 Adam Why?

1:21:09 Drew Physician just no longer, the doctor doesn't mean.

1:21:11 Adam Still sounds lofty.

1:21:12 Drew No, no.

1:21:13 Adam What do you do with that community? Oh, he's just putting a euphemistic spin on it. John, what do you do though at this community college?

1:21:22 Caller I'm a janitor.

1:21:23 Adam I know, but you said bio whatever engineer.

1:21:26 Caller I thought maybe. This is a fancy name. You know, we come up with a bio sanitation engineer.

1:21:31 Adam I thought you cleaned up the labs or something like that. That's all I'm saying.

1:21:35 Caller Yeah, pretty much.

1:21:36 Adam You're a janitor at a junior college.

1:21:39 Caller Right.

1:21:40 Adam Well, hold on a second.

1:21:41 Drew Well, now that is an interesting thing. That's sort of way of redeeming spending all your time at the junior college. It's a much more proud, much more appropriate way to spend one's time there.

1:21:52 Adam I'll tell you the cool thing about being a janitor to junior college. If you're a janitor at Brown or Princeton or Yale, the kids look down their noses at you. If you're a janitor to junior college, you're the biggest winner in the place.

1:22:04 Drew You're cool.

1:22:05 Adam You understand? You have a mop.

1:22:08 Drew You have a purpose.

1:22:08 Adam You have a purpose. You're making 46 grand a year. I mean, you're the king of all kings at this place. Just, oh, the janitors entered the hall. That's a big deal.

1:22:21 Drew Yeah.

1:22:21 Adam Yeah, that's what you don't want to be. You don't want to be a janitor at a good place. You don't be like Goodwill Hunting. You don't want that. You want to be over at Harvard and be a janitor. You go to junior college and be a janitor. You're the richest man on campus. Perfect.

1:22:34 Alanna Ubach Like the janitor and the Breakfast Club. That's a great one.

1:22:37 Adam And you can get laid too because like this guy's got a full time gig. He just cleaned up some dog crap in the quad. So what's up there, John?

1:22:50 Caller Okay. This is for Dr. Drew here. I don't know. My hands started burning one day and my feet started burning. Both of them started burning anyway. They peeled. Okay. Now I had went to a doctor, had general herpes at one time, and he gave me Condylox. That sounds familiar.

1:23:13 Drew General awards.

1:23:14 Caller General awards. Yeah.

1:23:15 Caller To get rid of it.

1:23:16 Caller And I don't know if it's some kind of a breakout or I don't know. I don't know.

1:23:22 Drew Well, the peeling is just a reaction to the inflammation of the skin and the soles in the hands, the palms. When the inflammation goes down, the skin peels, it dies and peels off.

1:23:31 Adam How's that?

1:23:33 Caller It was probably a year later.

1:23:35 Drew The peeling was a year later?

1:23:37 Caller Yeah, after I had my...

1:23:39 Drew No, forget the general awards. Forget. It has nothing to do with this. I know you're using your hands a lot on your genitalia, but that has nothing to do with this.

1:23:46 Adam Well, maybe it's one of those cleaning products.

1:23:49 Drew That's what I think. This is typically an allergic reaction or a chemical reaction. Why it's symmetrical in all four, I can't quite figure out. There are rheumatic conditions.

1:23:57 Caller On the bottom of my feet and my palms?

1:23:59 Drew Well, if you want to start to speculate about this, there are vasculitis conditions, even things like rickettsial diseases. Sometimes syphilis can do this. There are way weird things that can do this.

1:24:10 Adam Well, you should go see a doctor, right?

1:24:11 Drew For the most part, this ends up being some sort of allergic reaction.

1:24:14 Adam Let me just say this. I don't know why, but I was thinking of these janitorial products. There used to be something called janitor in a drum.

1:24:21 Drew Yeah, it's still there, isn't it?

1:24:22 Adam It's still there.

1:24:23 Drew What's with these foaming things I see in the infomercial?

1:24:25 Adam Everything's foaming. What is that? Here's all I'm saying. Here's my take on all this stuff. If it doesn't work on glass, put huge bold letters on it because twice a year, I grab the simple green and I think I'm going to do the windshield and I end up putting this weird film on my car windshield. It's like, I grabbed some cleaning stuff and then as I'm driving, it looks like it's just like fog. Then even after I clean it three or four times with the Windex, eventually, it still has this weird little film. There's some stuff that just will muck up a windshield or glass or whatever. You're going to have a hard time getting it off. I'm just saying, it should just be big and bold. Do not use this on your glass.

1:25:07 Drew You lost a lot on this one. You lost her. She thought you were hot, so you went into the glass thing.

1:25:11 Adam Yeah, well, I'm domestic. I like a clean windshield.

1:25:14 Drew She wants to go back and talk about Spackle and Stucco.

1:25:17 Adam Oh, you want to talk about building? You want to talk about a little stucco?

1:25:20 Drew Framing.

1:25:21 Adam Framing?

1:25:21 Alanna Ubach I love Car Wash. I love that movie. It was great.

1:25:24 Adam Oh, you love the movie Car Wash?

1:25:25 Alanna Ubach Oh, yeah.

1:25:25 Adam The original one?

1:25:26 Alanna Ubach Car Wash!

1:25:27 Adam Oh, yeah.

1:25:28 Alanna Ubach That was great.

1:25:28 Adam The original one was good. Folks, big afros, having a good time. Yeah. John?

1:25:35 Caller Yes.

1:25:36 Adam What's happening?

1:25:38 Caller Not much, you?

1:25:40 Adam Not much over here.

1:25:42 Caller Sounds good.

1:25:43 Caller All right, buddy.

1:25:45 Caller There you go. What are you going to do?

1:25:47 Adam Oh, come on, Drew.

1:25:48 Caller Don't be cruel.

1:25:49 Adam Go ahead, John. What do you got? What do you got for us?

1:25:51 Caller Well, my mom, my dad, and my brother all smoke weed. They're, all three of them, alcoholics. Me, my sister, and myself don't smoke weed. However, I'm afraid that I'm going to inhabit all three. You know, I'm going to inhabit their attributes as far as being alcoholics and pot smokers.

1:26:16 Drew Are you merely frightened about that that could happen? Or have you seen that you have momentum with substances?

1:26:20 Adam He means inherit, inherit, right?

1:26:22 Drew No, but I mean, is there evidence for this? Have you, do you tend to get momentum with alcohol, say?

1:26:28 Caller I do have momentum with alcohol, not so much marijuana. I mean, I've tried it.

1:26:32 Drew Hold on, and are you resistant to the intoxicating effects of alcohol? Can you drink your friends under the table?

1:26:40 Caller I can, however, I don't like to drink, just because whenever I do, when I just think that, oh my god, I'm going to become like my mom, my dad, and my brother.

1:26:50 Drew All right, so that is one of the reasons that people will not express the genetic potential for alcoholism. They have sort of an aversive response to it.

1:26:57 Adam Yeah.

1:26:57 Drew What does happen sometimes to people with that sort of experience, though, is that they get on painkillers later, they don't realize that they're getting strung out, sleeping medicine, that kind of thing.

1:27:06 Adam Let's do a little scenario. A guy like John, he has the alcoholic gene, let's just say. He's acutely aware of it, so he does not want to touch booze, he doesn't want to touch weed, not quiet down.

1:27:18 Drew Just for the sake of argument, the genes have been isolated, something called the LL allele of the serotonin transporter and something called a proline serine substitution, the GABA-A receptors. Point is, the genes have now been identified, the probable genes have been identified.

1:27:31 Adam All right, so he has those genes. Thank you for bringing that up.

1:27:35 Drew And they make people resistant to the intoxicating effects of alcohol, it's the GABA-A.

1:27:38 Adam But hold on, please, hold on, Alanna, hold on a second. First, you see what happens? I have a provocative point to bring up. You crap all over me.

1:27:45 Drew No, no, I want you to go ahead now.

1:27:46 Adam Okay, now, sure, sure, now, now that the coast is clear for passionate drought. Now, he sits on this urge because he sees what's happened to his family and how it's destroyed them. And now he makes it into his 40s, he doesn't touch booze, he doesn't touch weed.

1:28:03 Drew It's a radio show, he can't sleep at night.

1:28:06 Adam Quiet down.

1:28:06 Drew Is that, no?

1:28:07 Adam Lo and behold, he's out cleaning the gutters on the roof one day and he falls off the ladder.

1:28:14 Drew That's how this happens.

1:28:14 Adam And he hurts his hip.

1:28:15 Drew Hears bad.

1:28:16 Adam And he hurts his, well just let me make it be the hip. He hurts the hip and he goes in and the doctor tells him it's a mild fracture and he's going to pain and he gives him some Vicodin.

1:28:25 Drew That's just some, typically people get 50 Vicodin.

1:28:28 Adam And they get a thing of Vicodin and all of a sudden the guy's 42, he's never touched anything before in his life and the guy's just doing what the doctor told him, he takes a Vicodin because he has the pain in his whatever. And the doctor told him, look, if the pain continues, take a second one, that'll be fine. And next thing you know, he's taking two and three and then three weeks into it, pow, game on.

1:28:47 Drew It's game on, that's exactly right.

1:28:49 Adam And it is awoken, the sleeping genetic giant that lies within.

1:28:53 Drew That happens all the time. Then they get headaches and back pain.

1:28:56 Adam Phantom pain.

1:28:57 Drew And they start, well not phantom, but these things, these are severe crushing pain in the spine, they go to pain specialists and neurosurgeons. And oh my God, there are three discs out of line. As with every upright human on earth over the age of 40.

1:29:08 Adam Right.

1:29:08 Drew And oh my God, I've got a blown disc and I have this horrible pain.

1:29:11 Adam We need more pain meds.

1:29:12 Drew Here we go, here we go.

1:29:13 Adam Well, when I said phantom pain, I just meant your body is now creating a reason to get more of what it needs, which is that opiate.

1:29:20 Drew Yes. That's how this goes down.

1:29:21 Adam What do I need you for, Drew?

1:29:23 Drew That's how it goes down.

1:29:24 Adam I got me and Alanna.

1:29:26 Alanna Ubach Thanks. I'd never take Vicodin, honey.

1:29:29 Adam You wouldn't.

1:29:29 Alanna Ubach Oh, I hate constipation.

1:29:30 Drew Only Oxycontin for her.

1:29:31 Adam Really? I could see you with a couple of margaritas in you.

1:29:37 Caller I have a lot of fun, baby.

1:29:39 Adam Oh, my God. Absolutely. Oh, my God. You'd be like, sweetie, not tonight. I'm like, no. She'd be one of these chicks where it's like, she'd be trying to roll you over in your sleep and you're like, come on, baby.

1:29:51 Alanna Ubach Come on, it's been a long time. Two hours.

1:29:53 Adam Long time, two hours. Come on, I'm trying to sleep. No, I got to sleep it off. I got a long day and she's trying to actually roll you over in your sleep.

1:30:03 Alanna Ubach I'm like five feet tall. I'm five one. I mean, that's all it takes is one Marguerite and that's it. The truth immediately comes out.

1:30:08 Adam Oh, really? Oh, my God.

1:30:10 Drew The true, true.

1:30:12 Adam The true Alanna.

1:30:12 Alanna Ubach The Alanna?

1:30:13 Adam The essence.

1:30:14 Drew The essence, yes.

1:30:15 Alanna Ubach My accent comes, sneaks in.

1:30:18 Adam We will take a little break.

1:30:20 Drew We'll be right back. Find out who the winner was, by the way, of our iPod Nano. Oh, yeah.

1:30:23 Adam We heard the song. Yeah. All that after this.

1:30:26 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:30:28 Adam Loveline.

1:30:29 Caller Loveline with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew. We'll be right back.

1:30:51 Adam Yeah, buddy, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Oh, Jeff Probst's in here tomorrow from Survivor. Love that show. Alanna Ubach in tonight. Hi. Loving Alanna. I'm gonna find her IMDB. Oh, biography.

1:31:09 Caller That's a long one.

1:31:10 Adam Yeah, yeah.

1:31:11 Alanna Ubach I've never seen that.

1:31:12 Drew A product of a normal, spontaneous, vaginal delivery.

1:31:15 Adam Yeah, they start before that.

1:31:17 Caller Yeah.

1:31:18 Adam Yeah, do me a favor. Alanna, read just a little bit. Read some of your bio. Ask your father.

1:31:23 Alanna Ubach As my father?

1:31:24 Adam Yeah.

1:31:25 Alanna Ubach Alanna Ubach. Biography. Alanna Ubach was born a drama queen. But her family, but her family humble beginnings also made her hard worker, gloriente and irrespective. Why else would a petite, beautiful, young Latina, who wrote this?

1:31:43 Caller Your people, your people.

1:31:45 Alanna Ubach Oh my, dorky dude.

1:31:48 Adam Your people.

1:31:50 Caller Three pages.

1:31:51 Drew Don't do it, don't do it.

1:31:55 Adam Just read some of the projects you're in as your father.

1:31:58 Drew Alanna asked Santa for a big stage.

1:32:00 Alanna Ubach It's really embarrassing.

1:32:03 Adam Just read your credits as your father.

1:32:07 Alanna Ubach Alanna was just uncredited as a reporter in 2005 for Herpes Fully Loaded.

1:32:16 Drew She was in a movie called Clock Blockers.

1:32:19 Adam Drew, if you'd listen to me and stop competing with the guests, you'd realize that she just called the... Go ahead and say the movie again, please.

1:32:27 Alanna Ubach Herpes Fully Loaded with Justin Lung Shlong.

1:32:34 Adam Herpes Fully Loaded, Drew. Did your kids see Herpes Fully Loaded?

1:32:38 Drew I must have, they must have. I think I missed it.

1:32:40 Adam Well, I saw the original Herpes Loved Buck.

1:32:42 Drew Yeah, yeah.

1:32:43 Caller Yeah, I got it.

1:32:44 Alanna Ubach Herpes...

1:32:47 Caller They loved Buck.

1:32:48 Caller Yes.

1:32:50 Caller Okay.

1:32:50 Adam Yes.

1:32:51 Alanna Ubach And she watched Higleytown Heroes as Plunky Biscuit and Meaty, Meaty, Meaty Mothers.

1:33:01 Adam What other movies was she in?

1:33:02 Alanna Ubach Girls, Christmas, Brandy, Mr. Whiskers, 30 Days Until I'm Famous, Heart Scramble, Jackal, Nobody Knows Anything, Wasabi Donut, Legally Blonde 2, Red, White and Blonde.

1:33:15 Adam Legally Blonde 2.

1:33:16 Alanna Ubach Hey, Legally Blonde 2.

1:33:19 Adam Excellent in that.

1:33:20 Alanna Ubach Excellent.

1:33:20 Adam That Mexican made.

1:33:26 Alanna Ubach I played a Laker girl. It was awesome.

1:33:29 Adam Adam, what was that Disney movie you were in again?

1:33:34 Alanna Ubach Herpes. Herpes, Fully Loaded.

1:33:40 Adam Oh, okay, thank you.

1:33:42 Alanna Ubach Herpes, Fully Exploded. With Lindsay Lojo.

1:33:51 Adam Katie?

1:33:52 Caller Hello?

1:33:53 Adam You're 20?

1:33:54 Caller Yes, I am.

1:33:55 Adam Do you see herpes fully loaded?

1:33:57 Caller You know, I haven't seen it.

1:34:00 Adam You should really see that.

1:34:00 Caller I've heard it's really, really good, though. I'm so gonna go rent it.

1:34:04 Alanna Ubach I like the Lindsey Hull hand.

1:34:06 Adam Yeah, the other...

1:34:08 Drew Oh, here we go again with the girl stuff.

1:34:09 Adam The other Disney movie Alanna would recommend is the Apple Humpling Gang.

1:34:16 Caller I've seen that one, and it's really, really good.

1:34:19 Adam Thank you, go ahead, Katie.

1:34:21 Caller Well, I have this small spot like the size of a quarter on the inside of my labia, just above my clitoris, that is really, really sore and painful.

1:34:32 Drew But above your clitoris is your like skin. Is my pubic area. I mean, it's not your...

1:34:38 Adam Is it on your skin or is it in here or is it on you?

1:34:42 Caller It's with it, like it's just above my clitoris, like right at the top of my vagina, just within my labia. I don't know if I have the terminology correct or not.

1:34:53 Adam It's inside of you.

1:34:54 Drew You mean below your clitoris?

1:34:56 Caller No, no, no, just above.

1:34:59 Alanna Ubach Does it burn or itch?

1:35:00 Drew Wait, here's the, here's the...

1:35:02 Caller Like where might, where, okay, where the vaginal lips come up and meet at the very top and that's the rounded part there.

1:35:09 Drew That's below your clitoris.

1:35:11 Adam It is. I don't even know where the clitoris is, Drew.

1:35:14 Drew I'm gonna show you.

1:35:15 Adam Do all girls have one? No.

1:35:16 Drew Yeah, they don't always work, but they all have one.

1:35:19 Adam No kidding. Most of the ones I've seen haven't been hooked up. They've been like those microwaves at IKEA. You know, they're just there for display.

1:35:25 Drew Yeah, just the front.

1:35:26 Adam Just so you can see the kitchen, how it's laid out.

1:35:28 Alanna Ubach Yeah, so the clitoris sounds like a dinosaur or something.

1:35:30 Drew What is she saying?

1:35:31 Adam Yeah, true. I don't want to see pictures of your vagina.

1:35:35 Drew She's saying here and the clitoris is up here.

1:35:37 Adam All right, hold on. Thank God I have this whole button.

1:35:40 Caller Bless you.

1:35:42 Drew Excites me a little bit. Yes. She's talking about right here, right?

1:35:46 Adam Well, she said above her clitoris.

1:35:48 Drew But she keeps saying where the labia come together, which is here, clitoris is above that.

1:35:52 Adam Well, the clitoris is where the 118, the 5, and the 101 explode.

1:35:58 Drew It's up here, clitoris is up here.

1:36:00 Adam All right, all right, listen, I'm done.

1:36:01 Drew And that's your skin above that.

1:36:03 Adam I'm tired. Okay, Drew.

1:36:05 Drew All right, what's the question?

1:36:06 Adam Drew, is there anything else you want to point to that's not any of the other people can't see, any of the bios you want to read or TVs you want to gesture to?

1:36:13 Drew I'm just making a point.

1:36:14 Adam You're making a great point. Yeah, you're making a point.

1:36:17 Drew So go ahead, Katie, what's the question?

1:36:19 Caller I could be, I could be wrong. What I mean is like the outer shape of the vagina, just above my clitoris.

1:36:27 Drew All right, it's, all right, A, it's below your clitoris, and you better sort of work out that in that.

1:36:31 Adam Well, she's saying it's above it. And I'm asking, is it.

1:36:34 Caller I know where my clitoris is for sure.

1:36:36 Adam Is it also, it's not.

1:36:37 Alanna Ubach It's like a car where the car would be parked in the cul-te-sac.

1:36:40 Adam It's not on your skin, though.

1:36:42 Caller It's exactly what you just said.

1:36:43 Caller You see, I hear you, baby.

1:36:45 Caller In the clitoris.

1:36:46 Drew It's in the labia.

1:36:47 Alanna Ubach It's probably from toilet paper. It's probably from wiping yourself.

1:36:50 Drew It's probably a Bartholin cyst. And those are common, and it's no big deal. Hot towels, that kind of thing, you just take care of it.

1:36:56 Caller Oh, but there's nothing visual there.

1:36:58 Drew Yeah, but if you feel it, you'll feel a little firmness in there.

1:37:01 Adam It's discoloration, you're saying.

1:37:03 Caller No, but no discoloration. I can't see anything, but I can feel irritation.

1:37:08 Alanna Ubach How long have you been feeling it for?

1:37:10 Caller For about two or three weeks.

1:37:12 Caller Oh, wow.

1:37:14 Caller It's been kind of off and on. I would think that it would maybe be like a yeast infection or something.

1:37:19 Adam All right, just go to the doctor.

1:37:21 Drew It could be herpes, could be Bartholomew cysts, these are all these possibilities.

1:37:23 Adam I really think she thinks of below as above.

1:37:27 Drew I see.

1:37:28 Adam I just think-

1:37:28 Drew Because where she's looking, it's sort of above.

1:37:32 Adam Oh, whatever. Chicks and their sense of direction is so effed up. Everyone close your eyes and think of all the great-

1:37:38 Drew That below or above?

1:37:39 Adam Close your eyes, please, and think of all the great female explorers throughout history.

1:37:44 Drew I can't get too many.

1:37:45 Adam All right, there you go. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

1:38:19 Caller Yeah, all right.

1:38:20 Adam Everybody, the movie is called Waiting. Alanna, God love you. Breath of fresh air.

1:38:26 Alanna Ubach Aw, thanks, little one.

1:38:27 Adam Huge fan.

1:38:28 Drew Opens October 7th.

1:38:29 Adam Huge fan. Yep, big stars, big movie. Go out and see and support our friends. And yes, Drew.

1:38:34 Drew Delilah from Los Angeles won our iPod Nano.

1:38:37 Adam Oh, she did.

1:38:37 Alanna Ubach Oh, nice.

1:38:38 Caller Yeah, I'm glad it's a lie.

1:38:40 Adam All right, we'll take a little break. So Jeff Probst in here tomorrow night from Survivor. Looking forward to that. Until next time, this is Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew saying, Mahalo.

1:38:50 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or the station. The producer for Loveline is Aningold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Tuesday, September 27, 2005