Episode 1000728771217

0:57 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience.

1:01 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content.

1:04 Voiceover Sexually-oriented content.

1:07 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised.

1:08 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised.

1:13 Voiceover This is Loveline.

1:17 Voiceover With Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew. Yeah, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Dr. Drew is a board certified physician and addiction medicine specialist. Jenny McCarthy in studio tomorrow night.

1:35 Drew Ben Busy Phillips, our buddy.

1:36 Adam Ben Busy Phillips in here. What's happening, my man?

1:40 Drew Well, I don't know. I just saw you about an hour or so ago. What's going on with you?

1:43 Adam Drew came over to help us out on our show because basically, the Too Late with Adam Corolla show over on Comedy Central. I've been wanting to do the show without an audience since we began talking about it two years ago. Finally, got the way of us up to do it and we need to do a little test show. We had to call on our buddy Dr. Drew to help us out.

2:08 Drew Seemed nice.

2:09 Adam Did a wonderful job.

2:10 Drew But I mean, it really is a nice set. I like that set. I like the feel of it, right?

2:14 Adam Yeah. Well, we got to dial it in a little bit now that we've removed whatever audience we had.

2:20 Drew I like the way they're shooting it better too.

2:21 Adam But I think ultimately it'll be a windfall. So that's on New Time Midnight on Comedy Central and Monday through Thursday. It does. Good times. I think Jimmy Kimmel's show is repeating tonight. So if you didn't see it, that was good. I think it ran a couple of weeks ago. And tomorrow night, Roseanne.

2:44 Drew Came on your show?

2:45 Adam Tomorrow's Roseanne. Then next night, Alec Baldwin.

2:47 Drew Oh, nice.

2:48 Oh, good times.

2:51 Adam All right. So, Drew, you're ready to go on the phone?

2:53 He crapped in the bed.

2:55 Is that Alec Baldwin?

2:57 Drew I think it was Seth Grahame.

3:01 Adam That was Alec Baldwin.

3:03 He crapped in the bed.

3:06 Adam He's got range, I'll tell you that right now. Nancy, you're 24.

3:12 Drew Nancy, what's up? What's up?

3:16 I have a question regarding my husband.

3:18 Do you own a ranch in Ojai?

3:20 Drew Yeah, that's Alec Baldwin.

3:21 Adam There he is. What's up?

3:24 Guest Okay, he's about to be 30 in about next month. And he has I don't really know quite how to explain it. But there's like another little ball around his testicle.

3:38 Drew On the outside or inside when you feel?

3:41 It's inside.

3:43 Drew So he's got like two, basically it feels like two balls in there.

3:47 Excuse me?

3:48 Adam Yeah, did you, it would feel like three maybe. Did you feel for yourself?

3:55 Guest Yes.

3:55 Adam And...

3:56 Guest I just noticed it. Maybe like a couple weeks ago.

3:59 Adam What did he ask you to feel or were you just going through a sack while he was asleep or in the other room?

4:05 Guest I was just feeling it.

4:07 Drew All right, look, that's probably just feeling it. Just feeling it.

4:11 Adam I know. It's not going to be free. Did he present it to you and ask you to feel it?

4:15 Drew Don't go there.

4:16 Guest No, we were just, we were just chilling and, yeah.

4:20 Drew She's just feeling it.

4:21 Adam Really?

4:21 Drew Yeah.

4:21 Adam I've been with my wife about 10 years still, not at that level.

4:26 Drew Now she's just fondling the sack.

4:28 Adam She's chilling and she's just checking the contents of the sack.

4:30 Drew And with you, the sack's all over the room too. It's a prodigious sack.

4:33 Adam Well, that's what she said. She noticed I had a spermatosil by stepping on it. Oh, she was actually walking to the kitchen. Yeah, it was like someone was laying carpet and left a shoe under the rug. That's what it felt like.

4:48 Drew All right, Nancy. Nancy, you're probably feeling something called the epididymis, which is a natural sort of feeling like there's something else in there. But there's a series of other things that can feel like another ball in there too. A hernia can feel like that sometimes. Sometimes it's bromatocelar or cistaceal, just a fluid-filled sort of growth in there that are benign and don't need to be worried about. If it feels like a rock, if it feels like a pebble or a rock, that's something you've got to take the doctor right away.

5:16 Guest Yeah, it's pretty hard, but he says, well, see, I just noticed it maybe a couple weeks ago, but he said it's been there for a while. He should check it out.

5:23 Drew Neither of you guys are trained to differentiate.

5:25 Adam Well, we don't know that Nancy's not a doctor or at least pre-med. Nancy, are you a doctor or you're a nurse? You're a nurse.

5:35 Drew Even if she were Dr. 24, she would not have yet had the training to do it.

5:39 Adam But she's a trained nurse.

5:41 Drew To know that something different is going on there.

5:43 Guest That's what I was thinking about. Anything of hernias or tumors or...

5:47 Drew Again, probably cysticils per maticella epididymis, but you got to get it checked.

5:51 Adam What's your husband do for a living?

5:54 Guest He works at an oil refinery.

5:58 Adam Alright, how's that going for him?

6:00 Guest Oh, he's been there for a very long time.

6:03 Adam Okay, alright, so it's going great.

6:06 Drew Non-answer. She will not give you an answer.

6:09 Adam I never...

6:10 Drew Not expected, yeah. Loveline.

6:13 Adam No, it's Loveline. Look, to me, it takes a greater intellect to figure out creatively how to not answer my goddamn questions than it would be to answer.

6:22 Drew You're right, it's very creative.

6:24 Adam Which shows me it's instinctive and it's built in because there's no thought process that goes... Like, if you put it to me as a challenge, be evasive, but don't be obvious, I wouldn't be able to do it that smoothly.

6:37 Drew Yeah, I couldn't do it.

6:39 Adam Yeah, let's see if we can... Nancy, is he happy at his work?

6:45 Guest Well, he says he's happy. I mean, he works a lot.

6:48 Drew See?

6:48 Adam All right.

6:49 Guest That's another good one. He works a lot.

6:51 Drew How was the weather in Chicago today?

6:54 Guest It was a little humid today.

6:56 Adam All right, that's an answer.

6:58 Guest But it's still raining.

6:59 Adam All right, baby doll, you guys have any kids?

7:02 Guest No. Still a little.

7:04 Adam You're pregnant.

7:05 Guest I know you're fertile in that department.

7:07 Adam Why? Why is that?

7:10 Guest Because I'm pregnant.

7:11 Adam All right. But did he have other kids from other relationships or anything like that?

7:15 Guest Yes, he has one.

7:17 Adam Oh, sounds like a delight.

7:19 Drew What kind of nurse are you?

7:21 Guest Excuse me?

7:22 Drew What's your licensing?

7:24 Guest I'm an All right.

7:27 Adam And who's taking care of the kid from the other relationship?

7:31 Guest Her mother.

7:34 Adam Her mother. All right. Does your man visit it much?

7:39 Guest Well, she was just here with us for a month. She, the mother's husband, is in the military, so they travel and they're in Arizona right now.

7:50 Adam All right. All right. Good times. Let me tell you this. I was never smart. I never had a work ethic. I never made any money. I never had any education. I never did anything. But the one thing I did sort of know is to just sort of steer clear of burdensome situations. You know, the people that are 19, 20, 25, in the same position I was in when I was that age, no health insurance, didn't have a steady gig. She's a nurse. That's fine. But you know when you marry in or you get into this stuff and it's like they've got a couple of kids from a prior relationship and there's an alcoholic parent that doesn't know their boundaries and they're crashed out on the sofa.

8:29 Drew You knew not to take that on.

8:31 Adam Yeah.

8:31 Drew Couldn't feel right.

8:32 Adam The old, you know, the X is still an X, but they're in the picture because we have a kid so we have to sort of see them a lot. No matter how deep the depths of my stupidity plummeted, I still always instinctively knew let's not get hooked up with a bunch of garbage and baggage and X's and stuff where you have to see. You know, we're living in a time now where you have to deal with the person's previous relationship or relationships.

9:02 Drew What do you mean? Was it different before?

9:04 Adam Yes. I think there was a time...

9:05 Drew Oh, because there was no children that went along with it.

9:07 Adam I think there was a time when you could expect as a young person, especially a young woman, to hook up with a guy and just have a relationship with the guy. You didn't have to have the weird, uncomfortable, silent pauses when the person was dropping the kids, the ex off, and the baby's daddy.

9:23 Drew Or the parole officer.

9:24 Adam Going to honk the horn, the kid's going to go out, you give the wave, but you don't want to establish any eye contact. Just imagine all that, you know? Imagine the baggage. All right. Ready to keep rocking here, Drew? I just, you know, for me, that's my worst, I think, ultimate nightmare.

9:43 Drew Oh, yeah. That kind of.

9:44 Adam It's weird. Like, if I see one of my, if I see one of my wife's friends, I like go in the other part of the house. I couldn't imagine the ex coming by and dropping the kid off, a little argument out on the stoop, you know?

9:55 Drew Be weird, huh?

9:56 Adam Oh, all right. Well, actually, I got to grow up in that. Who? Erin. Well, my parents. Erin.

10:04 Hi.

10:07 Adam You're at 22.

10:08 Drew What's up?

10:09 Adam What's up?

10:10 Okay. I have brown spots on my hands.

10:14 Drew On your hands?

10:16 On my hands and my feet. And my friend told me she thought this could be some stage of gonorrhea.

10:22 Drew On the palms of your hand or the soles of your feet?

10:25 Yes, just on the palms and soles, and then I have a couple like on my neck and they come and go.

10:31 Adam Gonorrhea?

10:32 Drew No, absolutely no way. But syphilis appears on the palms and the feet, but it's usually red spots. I'll tell you, pigmentation in the creases of your hands is actually Addison's disease.

10:43 What is that?

10:45 Drew It's an adrenal insufficiency. Are your ears kind of hard too? Do your ears get kind of like calcified? You know, they're not soft?

10:52 No, nothing like that.

10:53 Drew Okay, do you feel...

10:55 The only other symptom that I have is that I've been feeling like sick and my glands are kind of swollen.

11:00 Drew Well, the brown spots on the hands and feet, they're really brown and not red. You've got to think about Addison's. If they're red, then syphilis is in the differential, but other kinds of forms of vasculitis and... You're in Colorado, I mean, Rocky Mountain spotted fever, and urine typhus, and there's a syndrome called Lesser Trelot. When I heard you had the brown spots, that you meant something called seborrheic keratosis with those brown growths all over your body.

11:23 Adam Where's David Allen Grier when I need him?

11:25 Drew Oh, man, would this be good? Hey, but in Colorado, the tick-borne illnesses do affect the hands and feet, and so it might be red and not brown in reality.

11:33 Adam Why don't we have ticks around here?

11:35 Drew We do, my son had urine typhus.

11:37 Adam He got bit by tick? Where did he get hit by a tick?

11:40 Drew Oh, we live in the Sp-

11:42 Adam Have ticks?

11:43 Drew We have everything up there.

11:43 Adam Where's our ticks? I don't have ticks.

11:45 Drew You will up there where you are.

11:46 Adam Oh, really?

11:47 Drew Yeah, yeah. Your dog will get them and stuff, yeah.

11:49 Adam Oh, awesome. I got something to look forward to.

11:51 Drew Dermacentrum Americanus.

11:53 Adam Listen, I just want to find a tick so I can burn it off with a cigarette.

11:56 Well, okay, I'm wondering, so they're kind of a copper color. Like-

12:02 Drew Again, you obviously need to see somebody, Aaron. I'm giving you my sort of sight on the scene.

12:07 Adam Who does she go to?

12:08 Drew Just a generalist, an internal medicine doctor. So it goes, really it goes roulette Addison's, roulette Rickettsial diseases.

12:14 Adam What color are you, Aaron?

12:16 Kind of pink.

12:18 Adam You're white.

12:19 Yeah.

12:20 Adam So white that you're pink. Yeah. Yeah. It's not a great look. You know, the thing about, I'm just saying, aesthetically, society, we don't want super dark and we don't want super light. We like somewhere in the middle of just about everything.

12:33 Drew The golden mean.

12:34 Adam Yeah. We don't want the far extreme of anything.

12:37 Drew Well, that's true.

12:38 Adam I mean, people do that thing a lot where they're like, oh man, that person is just black as the night. They're getting discriminated against.

12:46 Drew What about you and the jugs?

12:47 Adam But this, I like big jugs.

12:48 Drew But the extremes?

12:49 Adam Well, let's leave my proclivities out of this for just one moment.

12:54 Drew Some people like extremes.

12:55 Adam All I'm saying is, the other side, you got Truman Capote. You got pink and super white and that don't look great with its shirt off either.

13:03 Drew Piglet.

13:04 Adam Yeah, you got Piglet. People never talk about the extreme on the white side looking pretty nasty. Crazy red hair, freckles everywhere. Never, man. I don't care if you live in the gym, you take your shirt off, you just look funny. Weird pink nipples and red chest hair.

13:22 I had a buddy who was just that way and he worked out a lot and he had nice physique, but when he took his shirt off, he'd be like, Christ, put your shirt back on.

13:30 Adam If this guy was two shades darker, he'd be Mr. Olympia. You know what I mean?

13:35 Drew Yeah.

13:36 Not a great look.

13:37 Adam And you can't see anything. It's like looking for definition in the sun.

13:42 Drew Yeah.

13:43 Adam All you can do is squint.

13:44 Drew Everything's flat.

13:45 Adam Yeah. Like, I don't know, does the sun have a sea of tranquility? Does it have a valley? Does it have a mountain? Does it have anything?

13:52 Drew The light flattens all the, you don't see any shadows.

13:53 I don't know what it has.

13:54 Drew No shadows.

13:55 Adam It's all, you don't see anything. All you see is one pink nipple. Do you understand what your abs have to look like to get a six pack going when you're a real white guy with red hair?

14:04 Drew Yeah.

14:05 Adam That is tough. All right, you ready to rock?

14:07 Drew Let's do it.

14:08 Adam Let's talk to Keith. Keith, who's 26. Keith?

14:13 Yeah, how are you doing?

14:15 Adam What's up?

14:16 Hey, I've been married five years. Me and my wife, pretty good relationship. We have sex about once a week, twice a week. But both of us want to go more than once when we do. But we have sex once and then we go again. Every time we go to go again, my wife is too sore. No matter what we do, no matter how gentle I am the first time, just there's nothing we can do.

14:45 Drew How long do you have sex before? How long are you actually having intercourse before you stop?

14:49 The first time? 20 minutes.

14:54 Drew That's too long for most women. Yeah. After about 10 minutes, soreness often sets in for someone.

15:01 Adam Yeah, that's like 15 sessions with me, 15 to 20.

15:04 Drew There's not, other than lots of lubrication and things, there's not a lot you can do about that.

15:08 Adam Yeah. Now, what would create soreness besides just the actual penetration?

15:13 Drew Dryness is the main thing.

15:15 Well, we use, we use the rotation to start it.

15:18 Drew Everything I would expect to be without help. Is she on a birth control pill?

15:22 Yes.

15:23 Drew Sometimes estrogen suppositories, there's something called Vagifam that's a estrogen suppository that can help with some of that. And sometimes that can be helpful. You might talk to a doctor about that.

15:33 Okay.

15:35 Adam What good times.

15:36 Yeah, thanks.

15:37 Adam Yeah. Well, look, what do you want me to do?

15:40 Drew Come out there and...

15:41 Adam Patch it up. Yeah, what do we want?

15:44 Drew Retooling and...

15:46 Adam You want me to come out there and recalibrate the vag? I could do that. Throw it up on a dynamometer. You know, there's clitoris horsepower and then there's labia horsepower. Totally different. A lot of vaginas are making 3, 315 at the clitoris. But once it goes through the labia, we call it clitoris. Clitoris, yeah. It's making about 315 in the horsepower and about 345 clitoris. That's at 5500 rpm. But rear labia, only making about 230, 245.

16:19 Drew Yeah, it needs to be retreaded.

16:21 Adam Yeah, and recalibrate that. I...

16:23 Drew You can balance it.

16:24 Adam Yeah.

16:25 Drew Sometimes that will help.

16:25 Adam I suggest going to a lighter grade lubricant. David?

16:31 Drew All weather stuff? None of the all weather stuff?

16:35 Adam No.

16:35 Drew All conditions? No.

16:36 Adam No. No.

16:37 Drew Just summertime.

16:38 Adam You ready to ride? Yeah. David?

16:40 Hey, how's it going, guys?

16:41 Adam Good. I was like, I like the fact that there's something for everything now. Like the entire time I grew up, there was just oil.

16:48 Yeah, I know.

16:49 Adam Now it's like, do you drive a four wheel drive truck? Well, then you need Havilland's new four wheel drive Supreme. For winter. The truck's got four wheel drive on it, but it's the same engine that's in the station wagon that's in the minivan.

17:02 You know what I mean?

17:03 Does your car have between 3,500 and 4,000 miles on it?

17:07 Adam Then you need new Texaco Supreme. It's like they're just breaking the market.

17:12 I know.

17:12 Adam Doesn't make any difference.

17:14 Drew I know.

17:15 Adam You know what it's like?

17:16 Drew It's like me buying into it. Oh, really? Huh?

17:18 Adam It's like they make a shoe for everything now. You really need a volleyball shoe and a basketball shoe. Consider they're both played on a basketball court. When you go to high school, you see the indoor?

17:31 Drew Can you really tell the difference?

17:33 Adam No. No, you can't. Well, someone would tell you to do it, but it's a guy who makes a shoe. David?

17:40 Hey, how's it going, guys?

17:41 Adam I'll bet you they're shoes for shooting pool.

17:44 Drew Bet you're right.

17:45 Adam Go ahead, David.

17:48 First of all, I just want to say when you guys are great and when Dagg is on the show, I stop what I'm doing and just listen the entire time. It's funny stuff. Nice.

17:57 Drew Do you want to hear a little dose, David? Do you want to hear a little dose of Dagg? Yeah.

18:02 I want to hear something.

18:03 Drew We have a favorite segment we like listen to every night. Every night. 100 grams of Estradil. Estradil. It's the progesterone. It's the levonogestrel.

18:14 Where's the levonogestrel?

18:16 Drew Or the northendron.

18:18 Northendron. Put that whiffle ball back down. Come in the house.

18:23 So behind.

18:24 I'm sick of these kids.

18:26 And it was great.

18:28 Adam Yeah. God bless Dagg. So what's up, David?

18:31 Yeah. I was shopping for condoms last week. And I saw the new Avanti condoms. The ones that are supposed to be thinner than a thin of the human hair. And it says for people that are allergic to latex. I use the super thin like Trojans and whatnot. I want to know, are they as safe as a latex condom? Because they say on the box that if you're not allergic to latex, don't use these condoms.

18:58 Drew Right. Because they're not quite as efficacious, but they are reasonably similar. In other words, you're not going to get quite the mileage out of it, but it's all things being equal. Certainly, if you have latex allergies or intolerances, by all means, use them. But if, you know, if you're looking for optimal protection, that's not going to give you optimal protection.

19:19 Adam You couldn't release a condom on to the marketplace if it wasn't tested to a certain degree.

19:24 Drew It wasn't very, very good. Yeah, it's, I was looking at some literature on this over the weekend, in fact, and it was sort of saying, you know, they're really good, they look good, they're not quite as well tested, but we think they're not quite what, you know, what you're looking for, the latex condom.

19:36 How do they test condoms?

19:38 Drew I think they shoot water into them.

19:40 Adam Oh, really?

19:40 Drew Testing, they have the factors to test them.

19:42 Adam Let's picture in that, remember growing up, JC. Penney had the super denim robot, you try to wear out the super denim jeans.

19:49 Drew Just bang into it.

19:49 Adam Picture him like banging a vending machine.

19:52 Drew Yeah.

19:52 Adam I mean, just like a sex robot.

19:54 Yeah, yeah.

19:55 Adam Yeah.

19:55 Drew That'd be perfect. But you mean his penis going into the vending machine.

19:59 Adam Yeah.

19:59 Yeah.

20:00 Drew And you're putting the test in the condom that way.

20:01 Adam Yeah. But they must send these things home with couples and have them test them.

20:06 Drew I'm just thinking what happens to the vending machine if it has a female orgasm.

20:10 Adam Just.

20:10 Drew NM&Ms come out or something. I wouldn't know. Just, yeah.

20:14 Adam Milk sprays out. But hold on a second. They must send these home with couples and do some field testing too, right?

20:20 Drew They have all kinds. I'm not terribly familiar with the specifics, but they do a lot of testing on these things. And the great controversy is to what extent are they protection? And again, sexually transmitted diseases. And there is just reams of literature about how well they do protect against sexually transmitted disease. Not perfect, but very well. All right.

20:42 Hey, how's it going?

20:43 Adam Year 20?

20:44 Yeah.

20:45 Adam What's up?

20:45 Mike? Well, not a whole lot. I had a question about my wife. We found out just a couple weeks ago that we're going to have our first baby. And the thing is she's almost two months along. And until we found out she was pregnant, we never had any problems with like her sexual appetite. She went at it every day. But since we found out, she never wants to have sex anymore.

21:10 Drew You mean she was not sort of dialing down? And maybe she was feeling less desire, but just trying to keep up, you know, keep up a good face. And now that she doesn't have to, she knows why her desire is down. She's sort of, you know, letting it go. The first month of the pregnancy, people do not want to have sex for the first six months.

21:29 Adam All right, hold on a second, Drew.

21:30 Drew Is someone calling you?

21:31 Adam No, I just got to show you something. Look at my cell phone. Yeah. See, it says 1020 there.

21:35 Drew Yeah, yeah.

21:36 Adam All right, now look inside and look at the 20.

21:40 Drew Ooh, it's hard to see.

21:41 Adam Yeah, why? Why is it hard to see?

21:43 Drew Because there's a line through it, and unlike on the outside, there's not a line.

21:46 Adam No, but inside, on the super small one.

21:48 Drew Looks like 1028.

21:49 Adam 1028, yeah. Now I know...

21:51 Drew Well, it actually looks like 1828.

21:53 Adam Yeah, I know, we're supposed to be talking to, supposed to be talking to our caller here, Ross, but why would you do it differently? Why, and here, here's the thing, drives me insane, people have heard me talk about it before, but there's this thing where people that do computers and do cell phones and stuff, they take the zero and they put a slash through it, so you don't mistake it for an O. Like on our computer here at Loveline, the zero zero has a dot in the middle of it, so I don't think it's O, O. Right?

22:26 Caller Now, unfortunately, what the dot does is it changes it into an eight.

22:32 Adam So, instead of you mistaking it for a letter, which it looks exactly like, and who knows, maybe they've been using letters behind where zero should be my entire life, I don't know, because if I see a two with two hoops on the back side of it, it's 200.

22:49 Drew But I'll, right, I'll leave it to your discretion to interpret whether it's an O or a zero. Can't tell when it's an eight, when I'm looking for a number and it throws me out completely because it says eight.

23:03 Adam The beauty of my phone is the big bold, the big bold front display. That is just the pure zero, no line through it, but when you open it, the one that's three, 30 seconds of an inch, that has a slash going through it. Why you would mix it up within the same device boggles the mind.

23:22 Drew So 1020 looks like 1828. Yeah. Let's take a break. Time to take a break.

23:27 Adam Here we go. Why would you do it? Why would you do it, Drew?

23:31 Drew Who's the phone company? Why do you buy their phones? Don't buy their phones.

23:33 Caller What the? I don't check into these things. I don't think people are maniacs.

23:41 Adam Don't get me started with my stereo here.

23:45 Drew What's wrong with minus 45 decibels? What's wrong with that? You can't interpret that. All right, here we go. We did this once before. We're done with that.

23:53 Adam Are we done with Ross?

23:55 Drew Yes.

23:55 Adam We are.

23:56 Drew It's not a lie. She probably was already feeling a reduced sex drive from the first trimester pregnancy. You're lucky she doesn't vomit on you. And now that she knows why her sex drive is down, she feels sort of probably reasonably comfortable just calling it off for a little while.

24:10 Caller Yeah.

24:11 Adam You see, Drew, this is a, this is a zero here on the 20.

24:15 Drew Why is it a zero here?

24:17 Adam Well, because the computer did this. This, I forced our phone screen.

24:21 Caller All right.

24:22 Adam Let's take a break. We'll be back after this. Yeah, Loveline, I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191-ER. What's up, my homies?

24:44 Drew What's happening, dude?

24:45 Adam Looking good, brother.

24:46 Drew Yeah.

24:46 Adam How are you doing, Drew?

24:47 Drew I'm just happy as can be. How's the rest of your test show go?

24:52 Adam Fine.

24:53 Drew Good.

24:53 Adam No problems.

24:54 Drew I like that set.

24:55 Adam Yeah, it's all right. Looks good.

24:58 Drew No, it's good.

24:59 Adam Thanks, buddy. Are you Ray Rock here? Yeah. We're on the same stage, Lucille Ball. Did her show on, I think she must be rolling over in her grave, just seeing me make beat off jokes. That was the glory days, the heyday of television.

25:16 Drew Yeah. What are you going to do?

25:19 Adam You know that part two where they go like, this is a hallowed ground. I mean, you close your eyes, you can still hear the laughter. No, no, no.

25:29 Drew In fact, quite the contrary. You look in the room and go, how did that work? It's a big empty room.

25:35 Adam Yeah. It is funny to see a bunch of old pictures, though, to see the audience. White guys wearing ties and hats.

25:43 Drew About 37 of them, too. Wasn't like a crowd of 300.

25:47 Adam There was a huge crowd and they all looked old.

25:50 Drew Yes.

25:52 Adam They all looked like Truman.

25:54 Drew Yes.

25:55 Adam Yeah. This is great. All the women had those funky glasses. I don't know who invented those weird, sort of flared glasses that all women over 40 wore starting in 1937 and going to 1955, but they must have sold 10 billion pairs of those. There was not a school teacher or a librarian that I had the entire time I grew up that didn't have those weird pointy...

26:20 Drew cat-like...

26:21 Adam They were cat, but not cool cat.

26:24 Drew Funky, weird.

26:25 Adam Funky, weird old woman glasses.

26:27 Drew I asked you, I said, was it the... because there's a picture on the wall of the kitchen with the sound stage out in front of it, which is weird looking at those Lucio balls interior with black all around the front. Right, because you can see the ceiling and the lights and stuff. I wonder if it was just the kitchen or was it the whole house?

26:44 Adam I have no idea. Skylar? Adam Corolla, Adam Corolla, We're Bored. Yeah, they're... well, you know, Lucy was pretty much all shot in the living room.

26:57 Drew Yeah, and the kitchen would open up into the next area there and I guess it was same set.

27:01 Adam Right, I just like how Honey Fried used to wear his pants. Go ahead, Skylar.

27:07 Okay, um, I called before talking about how I need to have a chick in my room while watching or being part of while I have sex with my boyfriend. And Drew recommended that I didn't have sex for two to three months.

27:28 Drew And how'd it go?

27:30 I've been craving sex more. I'm ditching classes to go have sex with my partner.

27:34 Drew So you didn't do it?

27:35 Oh no, I've like been two months, so yeah, I did.

27:40 Adam Here's the deal. Once you start getting laid, school cannot compete. It cannot compete, especially for male or screwed up female.

27:52 Drew And there's a partner as a girl?

27:54 No, it's a guy. We get a friend or his ex to come.

28:01 Drew To watch or to participate?

28:02 It doesn't matter, truthfully.

28:04 Drew All right, Skyler, you got this.

28:05 Adam We say friend, you mean a male friend?

28:08 Female.

28:09 Adam Female friend? Does she join in ever?

28:13 Sometimes they do.

28:14 Drew Well, here's the deal, Adam. She's just a sexual group. Sexual being, sexual, sexual, sensuous person. That's all.

28:19 Adam Sexual, sensual.

28:21 Drew As opposed to the reality of this being a total meltdown catastrophe. And it's a sign of severe, severe stuff, Skyler. Come on now. Were you in treatment? Have you been hospitalized before? What's going on?

28:31 Yeah, I've already been in treatment for a lot of things. Yeah.

28:36 Drew And you have borderline personality, right? Bipolar and borderline personality?

28:41 I don't know. I want my mom to take care of that stuff.

28:42 Drew Is that what names they've sort of given you?

28:45 Um, something with depression and post-traumatic stress disorder.

28:49 Drew Post-traumatic stress disorder? Did somebody sexually abuse you when you were growing up?

28:52 Uh, yeah.

28:53 Drew Yeah.

28:53 Shocker. I think it's almost like who hasn't been raped or whatever.

28:58 Adam Drew, how dare you, though? This is a very sensual woman who's in touch with her sexuality.

29:03 Drew She's just liberated.

29:04 Adam Well, you know what? You're intimidated by her sexuality.

29:07 Drew That's what it is. Because you're a man.

29:08 Adam And you can't handle an aggressive woman.

29:10 Drew Oh, you're so right. You're so right.

29:12 Adam Or was she just raped by her uncle?

29:15 Drew Yeah. Well, neighbor.

29:16 Adam Neighbor.

29:17 Dad.

29:18 Drew Dad. Beautiful.

29:19 And his boyfriend.

29:21 Drew Beautiful. Fantastic. That means her mom was sexually abused too, right?

29:25 Where is your dad?

29:27 Adam Where's your dad?

29:29 Drew Burning in hell.

29:30 He is off with his wife somewhere.

29:32 Drew And their kids abusing them. Abuse them. So.

29:35 Oh, he's in Hawaii. And he is with, he just had a baby girl.

29:40 Drew Perfect.

29:40 Adam Awesome.

29:41 Drew Well, your mom, was she sexually abused?

29:43 Surprisingly, yes.

29:45 Adam Yeah.

29:45 Drew Shocked.

29:46 Adam Shocking. And your dad.

29:47 Drew Wait a minute. I'm being judgmental, right? I mean, I cannot judge. I just can't.

29:51 Adam It's impossible to judge. Well, anyone can get lucky. Hey, Skyler, are you worried about what your dad might do to his new daughter?

29:59 Actually, I am. I try to contact Lisa, his wife.

30:05 Drew Well, Lisa, Adam, let's you contact Lisa.

30:07 Adam Did you call to get Lisa on the phone? And what happened?

30:09 Drew She's over on the...

30:10 Adam Oh, she's not going to listen. She's a mullet guy.

30:13 I've lied to her my whole life. It's all my fault for what he did. He didn't want to. I forced him to when I was five. Oh, yeah.

30:19 Drew At age three or four.

30:20 Adam She didn't want to. Hold on a second. First off.

30:23 Drew Well, this is a pretty messed up situation.

30:25 Adam This is very messed up. This is a very messed up situation. But the wife did not say you wanted it. You forced him to.

30:32 Drew Who knows? Who's the mom?

30:35 Adam Well, here's the deal. When you become like Skylar, that's all you ever hear from anyone.

30:40 Drew No, you're right. You're absolutely correct.

30:45 Adam No matter how f'ed up this woman in Hawaii is, and I guarantee she's a mess, she didn't say, you forced him to do it.

30:52 Drew Well, let me tell you something that happens sometimes. And it's an unusual thing, but it does happen that sometimes the, of course that man would be hooked up with a woman who was a sexual abuse survivor. And sometimes because the children are aroused by the experience, they feel like they sort of seek it out and they were perpetrating it. They take on the persona of the causational perpetrator. And therefore they think all other kids do the same thing. They seek that out. They want it. And that's how perpetrators then say to themselves, well, that kid wanted to do that with me. They start projecting that into them. And that could be what that woman said to her. Rare, but could be. That's that effed up.

31:33 Adam It's just nice that this guy's moved on and he's crapping out more kids.

31:36 Drew This guy's not a better victim.

31:38 Adam Yes.

31:38 Drew An even better victim.

31:39 Adam A more willing partner. Alright, Skyler. Well, now you can stop acting out, although you called us before when we told you to stop acting out.

31:48 Drew You need some treatment, Skyler. Please. How about a little...

31:52 I'm already gone through treatment.

31:53 Drew Well, you're going to need some ongoing treatment.

31:55 Adam He's saying, I've gone through treatment. It's like, Drew talking to 300-pound guy and saying, shut up, and saying, you got to work out. And he went, I already did. Last October, I did three pushups.

32:09 Drew I did. There you go.

32:09 Adam Yeah, we're done.

32:10 Drew I did it for a week, a whole week.

32:11 Adam I did a whole week of pushups. And that was three years ago. And it was 7,000 donuts ago. You gotta work out every day.

32:20 Drew Blaming the overweight people, blaming them.

32:22 Adam You got to work out every day if that, you know, if you have that kind of metabolism. And Skyler, if your dad sexually molested you, you gotta get help. And it has to be an ongoing process.

32:35 I've gone to, like, academies, and I'm going to council every week.

32:39 Drew Good, okay, good. Just follow the directions. Please follow the directions. Talk to them about what you're doing.

32:44 I don't like talking to them.

32:46 Drew I know. But why do you like talking to us?

32:49 Because you guys don't really know me, so.

32:51 Drew Yeah, but...

32:52 Adam We know your type, baby.

32:54 Drew We magically knew what your mom was all about, and what the new stepmom's about, and what you've been through.

32:59 Adam Yeah, so do you want it to be a long and miserable life, or a short and happy life? Because we have a good time. It goes by fast.

33:08 I'm already going toward the short end.

33:10 Adam Oh, come on, baby doll. I have decided, though, that my life seems much longer now, because I'm miserable most of the time.

33:18 Drew Yeah, misery does make things worse.

33:20 Adam Skylar?

33:21 Yeah?

33:22 Adam Just keep talking to your therapist. Keep following their direction, and the clouds will part very slowly, and some rays of light will come through. And as far as your dad goes, it would be awesome if he just got hit by a truck. Awesome. And here's the thing. I don't... You know, we always talk about this. Like, first off, I think people think I'm kidding when I hope that this guy basically has a piece of rebar go through his chest and kill him in a slow and painful death. I'm not. I mean it. I want this to happen, and I want you guys to want this to happen, and I don't believe every life is precious. Look, the guys that were flying the airplanes in the 9-11, did they have precious lives? Their life was precious until they started destroying other lives, and then they became expendable very quickly. When you start destroying other people's lives, then your life is now worth zero. When you're mining your own business, when you're productive, when you're a father, when you're a son, when you're mothers, then your life is important. The second you step out of that and start endangering other people's lives, your life becomes worth zero and actually less than zero. So you're just driving your car down the freeway, you're fine. You hop up on the sidewalk and start driving your car, it'd be nice if someone put a bullet in your head. For society. That's all. Now, how to avoid getting a bullet in your head? Stay off the goddamn sidewalk. This isn't something we need to talk about with the man. It shouldn't be his decision whether to squeeze the trigger or not. It's your decision where to get on the sidewalk or not. Once you're on, it should be an automatic. If the hat goes backwards, it's in position. In position, also when they put the little flap up on the scope.

35:26 Drew Cone open.

35:27 Caller Cone open.

35:29 Drew Wait, wait, they put the flap up on the scope?

35:31 Adam The scope has the little guard on it, like a camera lens cover. You know, you see them pop that one out.

35:38 Drew Pop it open, yes, yes.

35:39 Adam Pop that little flap open. Put the hat backwards. By the way, guy can play baseball. Guy can pitch nine innings of shutout ball with the cap facing forward.

35:49 Drew Yeah, but you can't shoot a guy with a cap on.

35:50 Adam Can't fire a gun with the cap on?

35:51 Drew No, wait, it don't happen.

35:54 Caller It shoots you in the face?

35:55 Drew It's just the world kind of spins off.

35:56 Caller This is all I'm saying.

36:00 Adam Guy can play center field, go scale the wall, pull one out of the seats and then throw no hopper into second base and double the guy up. But you can't fire a rifle.

36:12 Drew No.

36:13 Adam I think you can. I really do think you could. I like to do a test.

36:17 Drew See that you can fire a rifle with the hat on, with the bill forward?

36:20 Adam Yeah, with three inches worth of bill. And here's the other thing too. If you're a sniper, how about you get a nice beanie or a yarmulke? You don't have to go through that ritual where you turn the hat around every time.

36:31 Caller Plus, the bad guys don't know.

36:33 Adam You know, when the bad guys see the hat going around...

36:35 Drew You have to have the payoffs and stuff too. And then the one who was suspected was you. How many snipers look like that?

36:41 Adam Hesedic sniper.

36:42 Caller This week on Hesedic Sniper.

36:45 Drew In order to become a rapist? No.

36:49 Adam Somebody's killing Crepla. And Moises wants to know why.

36:55 Drew But just think, you could have a crew... Yes, yes. This is it, Adam. You could create a sort of league of these guys.

37:01 Adam All I'm saying is...

37:02 Drew A leaving of extraordinary hesedim.

37:04 Adam When I start a SWAT team, I'm going to tell the sniper, when you get up in the morning and you put your hat on, go ahead and put it on backwards.

37:14 Drew Right, leave it there.

37:15 Adam That's how we know you're the sniper and then it saves you that trouble of actually flipping it around when you have a clear shot.

37:20 Drew Think of this, League of Extraordinary Hesedim and they could go out and they could do your bidding for you. That's what I mean. You know what I mean?

37:26 Adam More Jews doing my bidding. All right. Kara has found out she has a eroding cervix.

37:34 Drew We'll see.

37:35 Adam Really?

37:36 Drew Yeah, this is more drama.

37:37 Adam More drama? You think she was abused?

37:39 Drew No.

37:40 Adam No?

37:40 Drew We'll see. Give her a break.

37:41 Come on. All right.

37:43 You want to talk to her?

37:45 Adam Kara?

37:45 Caller Hello.

37:46 Adam What's up?

37:48 Caller Hey, yeah. Well, I went to the emergency room, the urgent care room the other day because I've been bleeding. We've like blood clot and they told me I had an eroding cervix. And I wanted to know- No, no, no, no, no.

38:01 Drew They told you had cervical erosions.

38:03 Caller There you go. Yeah.

38:05 Drew Sloughing off.

38:05 Caller And I wanted to know what that was from.

38:07 Drew That's not a cervix. It's not like your cervix is eroding off. It just means your cervix is inflamed and the surface is sort of peeled off. And that can be chlamydia. It can be herpes. It can be a lot of different things.

38:18 Adam To put some of that yellow tape in front of her vagina.

38:21 Drew She should be taped off. I'm sure that-

38:23 Adam Highway Patrol guy, raining flashlight. Turn around. Only residents coming through this way.

38:28 Drew Nobody gets in.

38:29 Adam Nobody. Turn around.

38:30 Drew Alternative routes. I'm sure they give you a shot of an antibiotic. And they give you one dose of an oral antibiotic, too, right?

38:37 Caller They gave me five days worth.

38:39 Drew All right, this is it for Max. That's fine.

38:40 Adam You folks need to turn it around on the inner thigh, head down to the knee, then double back and go up Hershey Highway.

38:48 Drew You should go back and see a doctor within a few days to see if that cleared it up, because if it doesn't, that makes it more likely a herpes.

38:55 Caller Okay, they tested me like three months ago for like, I had everything tested, and it was nothing, so I don't know.

39:02 Drew Well, again, you have something now. It's called servicitis, and that's very common. It's something to be treated, but it's not like, oh my God, this has never been heard of.

39:12 Adam Servicitis sounds like a tennis term.

39:15 Drew Yeah.

39:16 Adam Servicitis, McEnroe.

39:18 Drew Servicitis, first serve.

39:21 Adam We're going to rally for servicitis, okay? Let's go. Drew, what happened when you used to rally for things? Remember that?

39:31 Drew Oh, yeah, rally to see who served first.

39:32 Adam Or in ping-pong, you would rally.

39:34 Drew Yeah, rally, volleyball, ping-pong, and tennis.

39:36 Adam Yeah, just you would rally for things.

39:37 Drew Yeah, whoever screws up.

39:38 Adam I miss those days. Let's rally to see who uses-

39:41 Drew A lot of simpler things in simpler times.

39:42 Adam Let's rally to see who gets to use the urinal.

39:44 Drew Yeah, let's go.

39:45 Adam All right, we'll be back after this. Bang your head now. I'll tell you, Drew, you know what I'm this close to doing, my brother?

39:59 Drew Bang your head?

40:00 Adam No.

40:01 Drew Dropping trowel.

40:01 Dropping trowel. I will drop trowel. God, Marcus, this guy will drop trowel.

40:05 Caller Watch out, he will drop trowel. He is wild.

40:08 Drew, tell him.

40:12 Caller You cannot stop the trowel from dropping. You understand? My trowel is like that big ball that Dick Clark, speaking of Dick, you're going to see some of that when I drop trowel, right? Dick Clark drops that ball on Times Square.

40:26 Adam That's what my trowel does, man. I'm dropping trowel. Dropping trowel. Whatever happened to dropping trowel? It was the funniest thing in the world, almost every morning DJ.

40:40 Drew 1979 to 1991.

40:42 Adam No, no, no, no. The trowel, the dropping of the trowel, the ceremonial dropping of the trowel.

40:47 Drew Persistent dropping of the trowel.

40:48 Adam That did not begin until the early 90s.

40:50 Drew Oh, really?

40:51 Adam Yes. And then it went on hard through the 90s and somehow faded out when I got going on.

40:58 Drew Thankfully, thankfully. Mercifully.

40:59 Adam Dropping trowel. I dropped trowel.

41:03 Drew Mark, did you hear that statement? Never heard that phrase? Dropping trowel, yeah, yeah. In a movie about the 80s.

41:10 Adam Dropping trowel. 80s was not a drug army. Dropping trowel is not an 80s thing. It's a 90s thing. Maybe a later 80s thing. I will drop trowel. I'll tell you, man, I'm free balling it, man. So when I drop trowel, look out.

41:29 Drew Put them everywhere. Yeah, that's right. Trina?

41:33 Hi.

41:33 Drew 21. What's that? What's happening?

41:35 I want to know, is it even possible to be addicted to hookers?

41:40 Drew Yeah, it's part of sexual addiction. That's sort of the direction that sexual addictions commonly goes. It's into weird internet stuff and or hookers and or cheating. Dangerous situations, deviant situations, situations that you really are consequential. I think that's where I'm looking at. Things that sort of put people in harm's way. That's how you know somebody's not able to control their behavior because they're doing things that are harmful to themselves and others.

42:07 Adam The husband just says he's addicted to hookers.

42:10 Right.

42:10 Drew Not sex.

42:11 That's what he's claiming and I shouldn't be mad at him because he's addicted.

42:15 Drew Well, you should be mad. You should be mad.

42:17 Adam You busted him. I mean, here's the thing about guys. They don't just come out and say I'm addicted to hookers. You get busted a few times and then you explain.

42:24 Drew You say I'm addicted. Now here's the deal.

42:25 Adam Yeah, you don't go to the court. You don't go to the courthouse and tell them you're criminally insane. You get busted killing somebody and then you tell them you're criminally insane.

42:33 Drew Here's the deal, Trini. You say, all right, fine, you're sick. You're not responsible for your illness, but you're responsible for your recovery. And if you don't commit yourself thoroughly to it, I'm gone. Period.

42:42 Caller Okay.

42:43 Drew That's it.

42:43 Adam How did you bust him?

42:45 Caller Well, I caught him before we even got married.

42:47 Drew Of course.

42:48 Caller And then I even walked in on him once after we were married and he swore it would never happen again. Well, two days ago, I find in his pocket, because I do the laundry, I find in his pocket pants, or pants pocket, sorry, I'm nervous, I find this little business card with, you know, escort service on it and call me, Kiki. And so I confronted him and he told me, oh, I'm addicted and... All right.

43:10 Drew That's fine. And then that means, yes, he's got a problem, he's a sick guy.

43:13 Adam Well, the scariest part of this whole story is how stupid this guy is, not his addiction to hookers.

43:19 Caller Well, you know what the scariest part is? That his a-hole is the size of a mason jar.

43:24 Caller Oh, wow.

43:26 Drew All right, where's the guy that's putting you up to this?

43:28 Where's the guy on the phone?

43:29 Caller No, I had to do it because you guys always say, girls don't do it, always.

43:33 Adam This could be another layer, though.

43:35 Drew You're fat. What do you mean?

43:37 Adam True place. Well, it's true, you don't have to be fat to do it.

43:39 Caller Thanks a lot, Anderson.

43:40 Adam No, we say girls don't make prank phone calls without guys putting them up to it.

43:45 Drew But it's us putting her up to it. This was my idea. It's us saying girls don't do it that puts her up to it.

43:52 Adam No, I understand we were the motivation. We laid down the gauntlet and that's why I must try.

43:58 Drew That's the point. There's no spontaneous, unfortunately, thus bringing it up makes it a circular argument. There's no spontaneous impulse to do this kind of call on a part of a female. Guys will do it whether guys are saying challenging them or not. It's us putting the gauntlet down that prompted us to do this.

44:16 Adam Women don't have the F with G.

44:19 Drew But Trina does. Let's want to see what makes up what that's about.

44:23 Adam I think we already established it was with thyroid problem.

44:27 Drew What should you do for a living? I'm just curious. Who is that person?

44:31 Adam Let me just tell you the difference between men and women. Woman, women out drinking, somebody drinks too much and passes out. Women, call 911. Men go out drinking, one of the guys pass out. Go get the camera, go get the lipstick, go get the magic marker, take him around, get his pants down. You know what I'm saying? Let's shave his pubes and make his nipples into sunflowers. Draw a big honker on his back. Meanwhile, the guys, the guy's choking on his own vomit.

45:05 Drew He has no pulse.

45:06 Adam He's flatlining at this point. You're trying to flip. And it's like, you're like, flip him over, flip him over.

45:11 Caller Why?

45:11 Adam He has fluid in his lungs. Now I draw the pulse on his back. That's the difference between men and women.

45:18 Drew Right there.

45:19 Caller That's it.

45:19 Drew That's the F with part.

45:20 Adam That's all you need to know.

45:22 Drew Trina, what do you do for a living?

45:24 Caller I do data entry, but I'm in school. For what? Well, first I started, I was a business major, but now I'm in psychology.

45:36 Adam This is not junior college, by the way.

45:38 Oh, yeah.

45:39 Adam No, this is real college.

45:41 Drew This is Denver. What's the big university of Denver?

45:43 Caller Well, there's that, but I am actually in the University of Colorado, which is, I'm sorry, the University of Northern Colorado, because...

45:51 Adam Look, it doesn't matter. I know what junior college sounds like, and this ain't it. Creative, spontaneous, thoughtful, lucid, and knows what those words mean. All right, we'll take a little break. Do it, Drew. I'll drop that shroud. We'll be right back after this. Hey, y'all, it's Loveline, I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, Jenny McCarthy coming in here tomorrow night.

46:29 Drew Nice.

46:30 Adam I'm telling you, man.

46:32 Dr. Drow?

46:33 Drew What? Tell me, man.

46:36 Adam Siskel and Roper tore her new movie in a hole.

46:41 Drew Well, there's signs for that movie everywhere right now. You see it?

46:47 Adam You gotta see this review. I have no idea, but they just said there's the worst movies ever been made.

46:53 Drew Well, as I've heard you say before, it's you want to be the worst movie, not the second worst movie.

46:59 Adam I think-

46:59 Drew So there you go.

47:00 Adam I think that's it.

47:01 Drew It's a mark of distinction. I think that's it.

47:03 Adam It takes some work to do that.

47:04 Drew Yeah. Then John Waters could do that before.

47:07 Adam Yeah. Such a talent. I can't imagine that guy's not cramping out any more movies for pretentious, stupid people who think they have a sense of humor. Michelle, super-

47:18 Drew You've never seen Pink Flamingos.

47:20 Adam Super affected, pretentious homos who think they have a sense of humor.

47:26 Drew That's all we need to know.

47:27 Adam That's all we need to know. Michael?

47:30 Drew A little mustache.

47:31 Adam Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Go camp. Michael?

47:36 Caller Yes, we're here.

47:37 Adam 21, baby doll, what's up?

47:40 Um, so basically, people I've been with, I can't finish with them.

47:48 Drew That's a problem. Have you had a girlfriend ever?

47:51 Uh, I'm gay, actually.

47:53 Drew Uh, interesting.

47:54 Adam Well, you can't- you're gay and you can't finish.

47:57 Yeah.

47:59 Caller You know what I was thinking about earlier today, Drew?

48:01 Adam I was talking about my show, but I don't think you were around. Uh, you know, they had these gay penguins at the zoo, and, uh, the gays love to find gay in nature because it makes what they're doing fine. Because it's like, hey, hey, whoa, whoa, we're not doing anything wrong. Look at them penguins. You know what I'm saying?

48:19 Drew Yeah. It's natural.

48:20 Adam Yeah. It's a stupid argument, but it's, uh, but they still find it anyway. We, uh, straight guys, we tried that too. No monogamy, ladies. No monogamy. You think there's...

48:31 Drew Only swans. Otherwise, none.

48:32 Adam Only swans. There's nothing. You understand? You're going against nature. I'm just telling the gays right now, it doesn't work.

48:38 Drew To bring nature into the equation of...

48:40 Adam Save your breath.

48:40 Drew Yeah. It doesn't help.

48:42 Adam Yeah.

48:42 Caller Look at them penguins.

48:43 Adam Hey, dad. Oh, whoa. Don't be disappointed. Look at them penguins. Yeah. All right. So, uh, what are we talking about? Oh, Michael. Yeah. You're gay. How long you been gay?

48:57 Um, I guess a while. I used to get picked up when I was younger. And I used to be like, uh, they, people used to call me gay in high school. Like, not high school, junior high, no elementary. I used to be like, no, I'm not, no, I'm not, no, I'm not. Until about a year ago last summer, I finally came out and...

49:13 Drew Were you having gay feelings the whole time?

49:16 Uh, yeah, but I always try to, like, keep them back down.

49:18 Drew Can I get better run? When did you sort of first, uh, boy, you don't, I mean, you're the genetic gay because you don't sound gay. Is there... No, not...

49:27 I mean, that's what America should say.

49:29 Adam No, you were not created in the lab.

49:32 No.

49:33 Adam God made you gay.

49:36 Drew When did you first realize it?

49:38 Um, say it again?

49:39 Drew How old were you when you first realized it?

49:41 Um, uh, I guess I was kind of interested even since elementary school.

49:46 Caller I've been pretty young.

49:48 Adam How are your parents doing with this?

49:50 Um, my dad doesn't know about my mom and sister do.

49:55 How are they doing with you?

49:57 When I first told her, she was kind of like really like distraught and everything. But now she's, she's coping with it because I'm in a relationship and she kind of asked me about him and everything like that, so she's cool.

50:09 Adam Isn't that kind of a, oh, your parents aren't together anymore?

50:12 No, they're not.

50:14 Adam Because otherwise that's a burden to drag around. You're just sitting around, you know, you're driving up to Ojai with the old lady. You're like, well, that Mike, I'll tell you, he's 21. When I was 21, you know, I was a walk boy. I'll tell you what, I love the ladies. I've never seen him bring home a young gal, but I'd like him to settle down. Grandkids are going to be, and the poor woman's just to sit there and bite her lip. I have. All right, good.

50:40 Drew Good.

50:41 Adam I mean, good, you know, to keep your dad off the trail. Eventually you'll tell your dad, right?

50:47 Yeah, eventually once I'm like supporting myself, I can't.

50:50 Drew But here's what's interesting, is that because Michael is just this way.

50:53 Adam Biologically gay.

50:54 Drew And has no resentments about it.

50:55 Adam He has.

50:56 Drew He has no need to tell his dad.

50:58 Adam No act surprise.

50:59 Drew Until such time as it kind of works.

51:00 Adam Yeah. Now if, yeah.

51:02 I know people who are like, they have to like, once they're out, they are like completely out and they want everybody to know. Things like, I only tell people who are important to me that will be involved with it, basically.

51:14 Adam Well, you know, look, here's the thing, you know. People say, oh, you know, people are uncomfortable with homo-sexuality and all that. And it's true, there is some of that. But people are uncomfortable with people wearing their sexuality on their sleeve. Anything. No one wants to see some guy whose shirt's undone to his navel wearing some zodiac medallion and talking about his latest conquest at the office either.

51:39 Drew Don't want to see nipple piercings?

51:41 Adam No.

51:42 Drew Don't want to see people make it out in public?

51:44 Adam Not unless they're hot.

51:45 Drew Don't want to see a little hump.

51:47 Adam Oh, hold on Drew. Back up.

51:49 Drew Not in public. You want to see that when you're in private watching it on your screen.

51:53 Adam I have to be able to get it in my junk.

51:54 Drew Right. That's the point. And so it's something that people are just, it's an intrusion to put your sexuality out. You know what I mean? Right. It's sort of-

52:04 Adam I don't want to read. I don't want you to tell me about what you did to the old lady last night.

52:10 Drew And in a way-

52:11 Adam And I don't want to know that you're gay. I don't want to know that you're bi. I don't want to know what's going on.

52:15 Drew The female crossdressers are a little bit of this ilk as well.

52:19 Adam Right.

52:19 Drew You know the women that with the huge breasts and the big this and the big that, they're sort of wearing their sexuality wherever they go are sort of projecting that into the world and it's sort of like, ehh.

52:28 It's like, for one thing, it's like my sexual preference is not who I am. Right.

52:34 Adam That's right.

52:35 Because if you like to have sex with it doesn't mean I'm a different person, you know?

52:38 Caller You know what?

52:39 Adam This is a...

52:40 Drew Refreshing.

52:41 Caller Refreshing.

52:41 Adam But here's the thing, everybody. I don't care of, you know, your sexual proclivity shouldn't be who you are, the color of your skin shouldn't be who you are, your ethnicity shouldn't be who you are, your religion shouldn't be who you are, your team shouldn't be who you are.

52:58 Drew Well, people need to find themselves somehow, unfortunately.

53:03 Adam Do it quietly, A-holes. I don't want you to, I just, I can't stand everyone parading around all the time. You should be a montage, a collage, a collection of many different things.

53:16 Drew A decoupage.

53:17 Adam A decoupage!

53:20 Drew You should be a decoupage.

53:22 Adam There's no Frenchier sounding word than decoupage.

53:26 Drew What do you mean you should be a decoupage? What does that mean?

53:29 Adam It means you should be a collection of many, many different things.

53:32 Drew Flexible, integrated, complex, quiet, peaceful. Okay.

53:37 Adam Right.

53:38 Drew All those words.

53:39 Adam Right. Not the one crazy broad that's into stuffed hippos. Not the crazed stealer fan who has to wear the jersey all day every day.

53:47 Drew But what would the world be like without that?

53:49 Adam Ah, it would be so much better for me.

53:50 Drew It would be cool if people could refrain from indulging that except in certain circumstances. It's like in Three River Stadium, go. You know what I mean? At the zoo, go with the hippo thing.

54:02 Adam They tore Three Rivers down a couple of years ago.

54:04 Drew Well, it was whatever they put in place.

54:05 Adam What they call it now, Heinz Field. Point is, is, you know, God bless Michael over here. He's gay, but that's between him and his dork and his partner's a-hole. Do you see what I'm saying, Drew? And I say that with the utmost respect. In love. In love.

54:21 Caller That's what I'm saying.

54:22 Adam He doesn't walk around. And like I said, it's the same. It's the same with nationalities. It's the same with the heritage. Be quietly proud of wherever you're from and now shut up. I don't need you waving your flag all over the place and doing all that crap. Just go to work. Be quiet. Take care of your family. That's nice.

54:39 Caller Yes. All right.

54:40 Adam So what's his question?

54:43 Drew He can't ejaculate during sex only while masturbating. Did you masturbate with your partners?

54:49 The thing is, I can do it by myself, but not with somebody else.

54:54 Adam Do you get oral sex or are you into the anal?

54:58 I haven't had that much anal sex.

55:00 Drew Are you receiving?

55:03 Say it again?

55:03 Drew Do you receive or give?

55:07 Either or.

55:08 Drew You're gay.

55:08 Adam Wow. I like this kid's flexibility.

55:11 Drew You like the cut of his jib, don't you? Mm-hmm. Michael?

55:16 Adam How do you have an orgasm when you're receiving as a dude?

55:22 You don't. I don't know.

55:23 Raise your hand.

55:25 Drew Are you somebody that needs a long time, a lot of stimulation to ejaculate?

55:30 The thing is with me, I do it myself. It takes a while without porn, but with porn I can do it a lot quicker.

55:39 Drew But even by yourself, it takes a little while.

55:43 If I'm by myself, yeah.

55:44 Drew Have you had a boyfriend ever?

55:46 Yes, I have.

55:48 Drew Does that work out?

55:49 I have right now.

55:50 Drew Is that you guys working on this?

55:52 Yeah, he knows my problem, and he's been really cool about it, and we'll work on this type of thing.

55:59 Adam I'll tell you, a chick that does an orgasm in the first ten minutes is problematic. Dude, that is a handful.

56:07 Drew But dude, you can rely on him taking care of business.

56:10 Adam Yeah. You watch gay porn?

56:14 Straight and gay.

56:15 Adam Well, you watch straight stuff, too.

56:17 Yeah, I watch straight more than I do gay.

56:19 Adam Just because it's got some hard penis in it?

56:24 I don't know. I don't know why I watch straight more than I do gay.

56:27 Adam Hmm. If I was gay, it would be exclusively gay. You know? Hold on, let me talk to Drew.

56:34 Drew People are sort of one of the sort of...

56:35 Adam What's up with that?

56:36 Drew I know, one of the sort of little...

56:37 Adam He's watching Breeder porn.

56:39 Drew Yeah, one of the axioms is, you know, if you wonder where some is gay or not, what kind of porn do they like?

56:43 Adam Yeah.

56:44 Drew And he's going the other way.

56:46 Adam Well, that...

56:47 Drew Maybe why he doesn't ejaculate during sex, because there's no girl then.

56:52 Adam Maybe you are into chicks a little bit.

56:56 I don't know. When I make out with girls, there's nothing happened.

57:00 Adam Yeah. What are you looking at when you're watching the straight porn? You're focusing on the guy or what are you doing?

57:07 I think it's the situation, not the either person. What?

57:12 Adam What's going on? What is the situation? What is the... I'm going to have to sound up. I don't know where these people are most of the time. What's the gayest title in your gay porn collection?

57:26 Um...

57:28 Anchor Hotel.

57:30 Adam Anchor Hotel?

57:32 Yes.

57:32 Drew See, he even watches Butch Gay Porn.

57:34 Adam You got anything gay or sound...

57:36 Drew By the way, today was a Talk Like a Pirate Day.

57:38 You know, I have gay, that's what I call it, gay dreams. That's the gayest thing I have.

57:43 Adam Really? Nothing good. All right. All right, look, you have a boyfriend. You need to mix it up.

57:50 Drew You're working this out.

57:51 Adam You're working it out. I would suggest, as I always do for straight guys too, try mastering yourself. Masturbate on your back, do it in the shower, do it standing up. See if you can be versatile.

58:05 Drew Flexible.

58:05 Adam Like a decathlete. Yes? All right.

58:09 Drew I'm a little confused about Michael. He's interesting.

58:11 Adam He is.

58:12 Drew He's 21. Maybe he'll kind of work this stuff out.

58:15 Adam Amy?

58:16 Guest Yes?

58:17 Adam You're 28?

58:18 Guest Yes.

58:19 Adam What's up?

58:21 Guest Um, I had an abortion almost two years ago, and I've been with the same person for about two and a half years, and I just have no sex drive, so I was wondering if possibly the abortion had something to do with it.

58:38 Drew Well, let me give you a little couple choices here. One is that, yes, after an abortion, there can be a drop in the sex drive, and yes, sometimes women do get sort of guilty and remorseful and depressed afterwards, and some of that depression is due to the hormonal changes of having suddenly been pregnant and then not pregnant, but more often than not, what women don't think about is when you go in and get an abortion, first thing they do before you leave is shoot you up with some Depo Provera, a Depo shot.

59:06 Adam They do.

59:07 Drew And that shuts your sex down.

59:08 Adam Why? Why do they do that?

59:09 Drew Because they want to make sure you don't need another abortion.

59:11 Adam Well, but her body is her own.

59:14 Drew I know, but they say, hey, would you like contraceptive? Here, we got a very effective one here. Come back in three months. Did they do that with you?

59:20 Guest No, they didn't.

59:21 Drew What?

59:22 Guest I'm on the NuvaRing right now.

59:24 Drew NuvaRing. And that is, were you even on that the whole two years?

59:30 Guest Yeah.

59:32 Drew Perhaps the NuvaRing is causing that effect in you. It can do that. So I would consider, although the NuvaRing is not likely to do that, it can consider changing your contraceptive.

59:43 Adam NuvaRing sounds like a place where they might test Mercedes sports cars.

59:48 Drew The NuvaRing.

59:49 Adam On the famed NuvaRing in Nuremberg.

59:56 Drew It also sounds like one of the rings of Saturn or something. That's the NuvaRing, and then there's the Alpha Ring.

1:00:01 Adam By the rings of Nuva, I swear I shall return. That's the kind of thing a guy with a beard who was well built would announce.

1:00:10 Drew Over the walls of Troy.

1:00:12 Caller Over the walls of Troy and through the rings of Nuva, I shall travel. Yes.

1:00:17 Drew Absolutely.

1:00:18 Adam All right. Amy? Yeah.

1:00:22 Drew Oh, we did, Amy.

1:00:23 Adam I'm very proud of you. Daniel?

1:00:25 Drew Sure.

1:00:26 Adam Yeah? All right. Daniel? Hey, how are you doing? Twenty-one. What's happening?

1:00:31 Caller Well, I just want to say you guys are so hilarious. Like, sometimes you guys come up with cool comments. I'm like, dang it, I wish I had come up with that.

1:00:40 Adam Yeah.

1:00:41 Caller It's pretty sweet. But anyway, the reason why I was cool on it is...

1:00:44 Drew I wish I had said that, Daniel.

1:00:45 Adam Thanks, buddy. Hey, you know what I thought of earlier today, too, Drew, when I was working on this TV show? I was thinking of Palestine and other... I'm not going to be going at it with Israel for the next several billion years.

1:01:05 Drew No, no. How dare you?

1:01:07 Adam Yeah, I know.

1:01:09 Drew It's not over. It's not. It's peace.

1:01:10 Adam I know. Anyway, you know what's really funny is any go back and look at any news footage, even if they're talking about the Olympics and when they're leaving the one story and going into the news story...

1:01:22 Drew Trouble in the Middle East.

1:01:23 Adam Trouble in the Middle East. Now turning to the Olympics. It's like just Trouble in the Middle East. I would like to make a rap record called Trouble with the Middle East and it would just start in the 60s, it just never ends. It could stop, well, for whenever they started actually having evening news.

1:01:39 Drew Thousand PC.

1:01:40 Adam Well, when they started having evening news. I mean, before it was just banged out on a tablet or something, but the point is Trouble in the Middle East. But I was thinking about Palestine and then the country. First off, it's got the word Powell in it. Right? It doesn't matter. Like your buddy, your pal. And then it's got the word Stein, like a Jewish name. So Palestine sounds like...

1:02:03 Drew You're Palestine.

1:02:05 Adam He's a buddy.

1:02:05 Drew Of Palestine.

1:02:06 Adam Yeah, but I'm a buddy of the Jews. Palestine. Like if you're trying to come up with a nice sounding name, what's suggested friendly toward the Jews.

1:02:15 Drew I love Palestine.

1:02:16 Adam Palestine sounds pretty good, right? Like leading to these drug companies.

1:02:20 Drew All the Stines. All of them.

1:02:21 Adam Drug companies sit down and call it like Prolexa. They just make up stuff that sounds sexy, and it sounds proactive, and it sounds strong, and it sounds good.

1:02:30 Drew Yes.

1:02:31 Adam It's never Plotz-Mendorfer. You know what I mean?

1:02:36 Drew Yes.

1:02:37 Adam They have names that like Smarteka. They got that kind of stuff. Yeah. Palestine sounds like a drug company made up a drug with people like Jews.

1:02:45 Drew Yeah.

1:02:46 Adam If there's a drug.

1:02:47 Drew If there's a test for that.

1:02:48 Adam If Glaxo came up with a comp, came up with a pill that made you like Jews, they would call it Palestine. Then be Palestine Plus. It's just ironic that they can't stand the Jews. The word Palestine in there, that's, that's all I'm saying, Drew. And that's another one of those things Daniel wishes he came up with.

1:03:05 Caller You don't believe it was?

1:03:07 Adam You wish you came up with that one?

1:03:08 Caller I do. I really do.

1:03:09 Adam It's gonna be awesome. But again, my legacy will be the pool game switch from Marco Polo to Adam Corolla.

1:03:16 Caller Oh, of course. I'm sorry. I forgot that. Adam.

1:03:18 Drew And Daniel. Corolla.

1:03:19 Adam And it's not, it's not, Adam. It's not a short...

1:03:22 Drew Adam Corolla.

1:03:23 Adam It's Sing Songy.

1:03:25 Drew So Daniel, what's up tonight?

1:03:26 Caller Well, I always had a debate with my friends about parents kissing their children on the lips. Like, I've seen dads kiss their sons on the lips. And I'm like, man, that's really got to mess that kid up because...

1:03:38 Drew You mean little kids? Yeah.

1:03:41 Caller And even like, you know, ten-year-olds. I don't know.

1:03:43 Yeah.

1:03:45 Drew I admit it makes your sort of skin crawl a little bit, but I know of no evidence or anybody's shown that it has any real effect. Compared to the stuff that most kids are dealing with today, that doesn't register on the scale.

1:03:58 Caller Yeah, because I could just imagine, like, my dad kissing me at ten, and I'd be pretty freaked out. I'd, like, want to punch him or something.

1:04:04 Adam Drew, is that your page?

1:04:05 Drew Yes.

1:04:06 Adam Drew's phone's been missed. Pager's been goin off the hook. Who's callin you now, Drew?

1:04:11 Drew Hospital.

1:04:12 Adam Hospital?

1:04:13 Drew That's ridiculous.

1:04:13 Adam They keep callin you. Same thing?

1:04:16 Drew Well, we've been very busy.

1:04:18 Adam How come I never hear you yell, STAT?

1:04:21 Drew Because, uh, I do sometimes. If I yell STAT, then I'd be leaving here and driving to go follow up on that STAT call.

1:04:29 Adam I would like you to yell, Lack, Tate, Ringers, D5W, STAT.

1:04:35 Drew You know why? You know why you don't hear me say STAT very much? Because it's obnoxious to say STAT. And you'll say STAT Labs and that, but what substitutes for that is now. I'll say, give 60 now. You hear me say that? I just said that a few minutes ago.

1:04:46 Adam Now.

1:04:47 Drew That means STAT.

1:04:48 Adam Oh, that means STAT.

1:04:48 Drew It's sort of a nice way of saying STAT.

1:04:50 Adam Okay.

1:04:51 Drew STAT is obnoxious.

1:04:52 Okay. All right.

1:04:54 Adam You ready to keep on keepin on? And why don't you want to break and call the hospital?

1:04:58 Drew No, let's keep on keepin on.

1:04:59 Wow.

1:04:59 Adam Look at you, Drew. He doesn't care if a couple of patients die. He's got questions to answer. Josh?

1:05:05 Yes.

1:05:06 Adam You're 21?

1:05:06 Caller I got a question.

1:05:08 Adam Yeah.

1:05:08 Caller My girlfriend, every time we try to have anal sex, she doesn't like...

1:05:11 Drew Okay. I better call the hospital.

1:05:14 Adam Yeah.

1:05:15 Caller She doesn't like me putting my penis in there, but she likes her dildo.

1:05:19 Drew Okay. Yeah. I better call the hospital. All right. I'm just saying.

1:05:22 Adam I see.

1:05:23 Drew And...

1:05:24 Caller I don't get it. I mean, I don't think my penis and the dildo have different sizes.

1:05:30 Adam They're the same? Have you done the water displacement test with both of them?

1:05:35 Caller No. I haven't even thought of that. Well, that's why I get the big bucks.

1:05:40 Adam That's why. Self-proclaimed. What are you doing, Josh? First off, my boguosity meter's not... It's not pegged.

1:05:47 Drew No, it's up for me too.

1:05:49 Adam But it's up off its resting point and flickering around a little bit.

1:05:53 Caller Yeah.

1:05:53 Adam It's not redlined, but I should be shifting any moment now. Yeah, buddy, what do you do for a living?

1:06:00 Caller Oh, well, right now I'm making snow cones for a living, but I'm trying to become a narcotics cop.

1:06:06 Adam Oh, perfect.

1:06:07 Caller Yeah.

1:06:07 Adam Well, that should be a seamless transition between making the snow cones and busting perks.

1:06:13 Drew Now, let's be fair. Is it the snow cone or the new shaved ice?

1:06:16 Caller It's the new shaved ice, where it's really soft and not as crunchy.

1:06:20 Drew Shaved ice is much cooler, Adam. Some people make that transition.

1:06:24 Caller All right.

1:06:25 Adam And what are you doing? Are you going to the Academy? Are you going to go to the Academy?

1:06:29 Caller Well, basically, I'm just going to get 60 credit hours. So, in Texas and the real anal about their college credit hours.

1:06:36 Drew Strangely, it coincidentally.

1:06:38 Adam Boy, that's a theme in your life.

1:06:40 Drew All right.

1:06:40 Adam So, girlfriends who have anal sex but like to use in a dilla.

1:06:43 Drew Is she there? Should we talk to her?

1:06:45 Caller Can you talk to her?

1:06:46 Drew Yeah, is she there?

1:06:48 Caller Let me see if she's still here. No, she left and she...

1:06:51 Drew Oh, that seems bogus.

1:06:53 Adam How big is your manor? What do you want to do?

1:06:55 Caller Check the library?

1:06:57 Drew Oh, my.

1:06:58 Hmm.

1:06:58 Adam Let me see if she's still here.

1:07:00 Drew Down in the smoking room.

1:07:01 Giles!

1:07:03 Caller Giles, bring me a brandy snifter.

1:07:05 Drew And check to see if Sylvia's still here.

1:07:07 Adam Yeah, and see if Tammy's still here. All right, who cares?

1:07:13 Drew We don't know, Josh. I don't know what that all means. Yeah, sounds weird to us.

1:07:17 Adam I had to go get my...

1:07:18 Drew Whole situations sound weird, though.

1:07:19 Adam I had to go down and get my front license plate taken care of today. I had my day ruined by the man. Hi, Drew, I know you want to call the license plate, but I would call the hospital. But I am going to rail against the man when we come back.

1:07:32 Drew Good, good.

1:07:33 Adam Oh, and I got other things.

1:07:34 Drew What else?

1:07:36 Adam I had a nice... I was talking to my mom a couple of days back.

1:07:40 Drew Bad sign.

1:07:41 Adam Well, here's the thing. Remember I was laughing about poor people going to the airport?

1:07:45 Drew Yeah, yeah.

1:07:46 Adam I had to leave like two days early because you have to get in the shuttle and then you have to drive and then you can't park your car because the car thing is... My mom, when my mom goes to LAX, she has to drive to the Van Nuys Airport, park the car at the Van Nuys parking lot, and then get on the shuttle.

1:08:03 Drew Why?

1:08:05 Adam Why? Because she's going to be gone a week and the parking at LAX is $8.99 a day. I mean, one of those things outside of LAX, the distant lots, whereas the Van Nuys one is only $4 a day.

1:08:19 Drew And they have a free shuttle?

1:08:21 Adam Shuttle's probably $12 or something. Here's the point, here's the thing that's funny. She now, here's the con.

1:08:27 Drew That's retarded. I beg your pardon, but that's retarded.

1:08:31 Adam How dare you attack my family? Only I attack my family. Now, now here's the funny thing. Now since the Van Nuys parking lot has raised its fees from $1 a day to $4 a day, she must take a cab from her home to the Van Nuys parking lot and then get on the shuttle.

1:08:52 Drew No way that saves money. That's retarded.

1:08:55 Adam Well, it saves $6. It saves $6, but it takes an extra two hours.

1:09:02 Drew Would you give your mom the $6? No, I will not. Please, I will give it to her.

1:09:06 Caller Do you understand?

1:09:06 Drew Doesn't mean she'll stop doing that crap, though.

1:09:08 Caller You understand?

1:09:09 Drew That's in her brain. That is not a money thing.

1:09:11 Adam Let me explain the Corollas.

1:09:13 Caller They're the only people who leave town and take a cab to another airport.

1:09:16 Drew The wrong airport!

1:09:18 Caller That's what I'm saying.

1:09:19 Adam Another one is implying another one. She doesn't just go ahead and take the cab to the airport. The airplane is going to land and be faster.

1:09:28 Drew She's without the expat. It would be expensive.

1:09:30 Adam She's going to Boston. It would actually be faster if she just stayed in the cabin and went all the way to Logan. All the way to Logan. It would be expensive, but it would be faster.

1:09:38 Drew You gotta go to Van Nuys.

1:09:41 Adam They get on the shuttle and go to LAX. See, here's the whole thing. When you're poor, I don't even think they're poor.

1:09:48 Drew That shows how poor the mind of poor is. You could give her the money and she still will do that thing.

1:09:55 Adam Big zero. You have to leave three days earlier for LAX. I swear to Christ, she probably has a red-eye flight at midnight and leaves at 9.30 in the morning. You gotta get on the shuttle.

1:10:09 Drew Oh yeah.

1:10:10 Caller You gotta park.

1:10:10 Adam The cab drops you off. Then when you come home...

1:10:12 Drew You buy your dad a car. Why don't you buy your mom some air traffic?

1:10:16 Caller Who else?

1:10:16 Drew Airline tickets.

1:10:17 Adam Who else but the Corollas when you land at LAX.? Take a shuttle from one airport to another airport.

1:10:24 Drew Nobody.

1:10:26 Adam You actually take a shuttle to a different airport.

1:10:30 Drew But that's...

1:10:33 Caller Now, imagine being 11 and needing a ride to Van Nuys. Do you understand?

1:10:39 Adam Do you understand now, Drew? Do you understand now?

1:10:45 Drew I feel your pain.

1:10:46 Adam And now...

1:10:46 Drew Now you fly cars.

1:10:47 Adam Imagine being 12 wanting a mini bike.

1:10:49 Caller Oh, ha ha ha.

1:10:53 Adam Imagine wanting something that took batteries.

1:10:55 Drew Oh, my God. What do you expect, Mr. Rochers?

1:10:58 Adam All right. Now, listen. Here's half a Lego. That ought to do it. All right. We'll take a break. We'll be back after this.

1:11:14 Drew Good times.

1:11:16 Adam Drew and I, unraveling the mystery that is the Corolla family.

1:11:21 Drew Oh, it is a deep, deep mystery. It's sort of like the tales of ISIS or Cyrus.

1:11:26 Adam Yeah, super cheap, super depressed Cyrus.

1:11:28 Yeah.

1:11:29 Adam See, Drew, you always tell me how cheap your family is. You don't know from cheap.

1:11:33 Drew You're right.

1:11:34 Adam You thought your dad was cheap. You thought your dad was cheap because you guys went out to dinner and he didn't order an appetizer. You got no idea.

1:11:45 Drew No, they didn't do stuff that was silly.

1:11:47 Adam Yes. Yes. All right, so I took care of the ongoing saga with my front license plate was finally... Well, not for sure because I could still have a warrant out for me. But I got pulled over in this s-ball of a town about five months ago for not having a front license plate on my car. Now, not dangerous, a dangerous lane change and no front license plate, not exhibition of speed. Pulled over just for having no front license plate, which by the way, is not illegal in, I don't know, 20 of the states, maybe more. Maybe more. So that's just how dangerous it is, everybody. It's illegal in half the states.

1:12:36 Drew Well, it's dangerous that the man may not be able to extract more money from you.

1:12:40 Adam Yes.

1:12:40 Drew At their photographic stop signals.

1:12:43 Adam Yeah, at the stoplights, right. So I get the ticket for no front license plate. I can't find my license plate. I keep getting extensions and somehow it gets down to today where I have to tape a TV show, except for 10 in the morning, I'm heading to Burbank to go meet with the sheriff so the guy can poke his head out the door and see my front license plate, which has been clumsily zip-tied to my front grill, which I announced to him, by the way. Not only did I make the proclamation that the plate is coming off immediately after you check it off, but I have several other cars and none of them have a license plate. One day I was just going to get tasered. Well, he doesn't care.

1:13:22 Drew Well, what did he say, though?

1:13:23 Adam He doesn't care. He just poked his head out there and took a look and said fine. You gotta go pay the clerk $15 and they need a check and then you gotta go pay the LA municipality. $10 and it's like, how about I pay you $25, sweetness, and we call it good. No, no, you gotta pay us $15, then when you send the thing in with completion of whatever, you have to send another check. I don't have a check for $10. Uh, yeah.

1:13:51 Drew Go get money order.

1:13:52 Adam Yeah, yeah, yeah, go and we recommend certified and it's like, do I have to quit my goddamn job?

1:13:58 Caller Do you know how many man hours I've tied into this chicken ass?

1:14:03 Horrible.

1:14:04 Adam Can we just start demanding the cops start looking for terrorists and busting guys that are, you know, dealing crack and raping women? Can we just start with that and knock off the chicken ass? Does that seem so outlandish? Is it crazed that we ask these guys not to focus on the chicken ass, part of policing and focus on the things that the citizens are interested in? Why does that seem crazed? How come no one else screams about it? Is it okay that folks that pay tons in taxes get sort of nuisanced this way? I mean, that you just, you just essentially, it's like you're tormented by your police force. Here's who should be afraid of police, criminals, not taxpayers. Although LA, we don't have that. When I was driving in New Orleans, God bless New Orleans, the old New Orleans, five years ago, I was in a cab and the guy was driving and giving me and Jimmy a tour and he was driving around and you know, he was speeding up and there was a cop. Cop was driving along and the cop was doing 35 and this guy was doing like 42 and we're coming up on the cop.

1:15:28 Caller And I was like, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be coming up, coming up, coming up.

1:15:32 Adam And he was like, he looked at me like, yeah, what do you care? And we blew right past the cop.

1:15:36 Caller And I said.

1:15:41 Adam I was like, I was like an 8-year-old when you saw your parents having sex or something. I didn't know what to make of it.

1:15:47 Caller I was like, hey, but listen, we could get into a lot of trouble here. It says 35 and you were going 41. He was going 34 and you passed him.

1:15:59 Adam I was going out of my mind and the guy was like, I think he's got bigger fish to fry than us. And I was like, oh. Oh my God, they don't live in a police state over there. They under, the cops understand who they work for. They understand the citizenry understands that they're not criminals, that them going four miles an hour over the posted speed limit is not really an offense. And that the cops really have no interest in them. What a utopia. Here, cop drives along the freeway 44 miles an hour. Everyone's scared assless to pass them. Oh, you could have an illegal tint. Maybe you're missing a front license.

1:16:36 Drew Right, exactly.

1:16:37 Adam You're going to get shaken down, baby.

1:16:40 Drew Headlights out or taillights out.

1:16:42 Adam Nobody wants to focus on that. No, no. Saw the big freeway sign tonight, lit up again. Last time it was a click it or ticket.

1:16:52 Drew What was it tonight? Amber Alert?

1:16:56 Adam Run, let's see, it was run a red light. No, it says something about dying. It was like running a red light and dying. I can't remember what the clever cliché was this time, but how about you A-holes just focus on doing your job? That's all I'm saying. Focus on bringing down perps, please, and leave the good citizenry alone. And again, bring back the policeman's ball if you guys need some bread.

1:17:24 Drew Not just the ticket.

1:17:25 Adam Let me tell you, the sheriff that was over there in Burbank didn't seem too excited about having to walk out and stare at people that did nothing all day either. He was as as as unenthusiastic a cop as I've ever seen because his job was to stand around and look at people that didn't have front license plate that had the front license plate now duct taped onto the front of their Datsun. That was his gig and then put his sign on the ticket and then you could go along with the ritual that basically the rituals based around you having no time and them needing ten dollars.

1:17:57 You know where the money goes for the that they get from the traffic in the park?

1:18:02 Adam I have no idea to buy more chevettes that are right side drive.

1:18:07 I don't know about out here but it would make sense out here. I know New Orleans that keeps saying that it goes to the poor and they're going to be hurting even more because they don't have streets to give people tickets on.

1:18:18 Drew Well, they didn't give tickets anywhere there so that shows why they call it the big easy.

1:18:22 Maybe because the cops didn't care about the poor.

1:18:24 Adam Yeah. Here, I don't think they give it to the poor.

1:18:27 Drew No, no, no, no.

1:18:29 Adam John? Yes. 21? Yes.

1:18:34 Drew By the way, if they did, I feel altogether different about this whole thing.

1:18:38 Adam I still don't want my time monopolized.

1:18:41 Drew Yeah, but then I'm sure you'd have an option to buy out because it's going to the poor.

1:18:45 Adam Well, here's what I like to do. I would like to just go down to the different municipalities, go down to LAPD, look, here's 500 bucks. If I could be left alone for a year, that would be awesome.

1:18:56 Drew A year? How about just excuse from going to the sheriffs that day?

1:18:58 Adam Yeah, here's 500. Burbank probably need a little more than that. But the point is, could we just not be shaken down? That's all. Let's focus on getting traffic moving and not pulling folks over. John?

1:19:12 Drew Yes.

1:19:12 Adam Yeah, and let me say this too. I was reading a little thing in USA Today that's telling Drew the other night. The number one job fatality for cops is traffic accidents. Not only being in traffic accidents, but pulling people over and getting clipped.

1:19:29 Drew Auto versus Peds. Yeah.

1:19:31 Adam Yeah. More so than guns, bludgeoning, knifing, all combined. It's all pulling people over.

1:19:37 Drew Here's the diabolical nature of this. A way to avoid all that is to focus on the people walking. Get the jaywalkers and you don't get hit. See how that works? You still get the take down, still get the money.

1:19:48 Adam Yeah.

1:19:48 Drew Don't get the traffic accidents.

1:19:49 Adam I'll tell you, Burbank way ahead of you. John?

1:19:52 Yes.

1:19:53 Adam 21?

1:19:54 Yes.

1:19:55 Adam What's up, my brother?

1:19:57 Well, I'm afraid that I'm becoming an alcoholic. I turned 21 last December. Ever since maybe about April or May, I've been going to sleep with a bottle of Captain Morgan. Basically, helps me relax, I chill, I nap.

1:20:16 Drew All right. So, what is your, you're an alcoholic. What's your question?

1:20:19 Well, both my brother, my dad, and my grandfather have been alcoholics.

1:20:26 Drew It's a genetic disorder. It's something you inherit from your family.

1:20:29 Right. Well, for all I know, I mean, it may be it's just my choices through life.

1:20:35 Drew John, John, it's a genetic disorder. It's a, there were two of the genes that have identified. One is a proline serosubstitution, the GABAA receptor, and the other is a-

1:20:44 Adam She talked to your dog about it.

1:20:46 Drew LL allele and the serotonin transporter that makes you resistant to the intoxicating effects of alcohol. And these are the people that get alcoholism. So, you have alcoholism. It's a part of your brain that operates separate from your consciousness and volition and drives you to continue using in spite of consequence. So, what do you want to do about it?

1:21:05 Well, all three of them had attended AA meetings. My grandfather became an alcoholic after World War II. My dad, I don't even know when, way back before I was born, and my brother, since he had turned about 1920, all three of them have attended AA meetings. All three of them, completely sober, you know, while they were going through it. However, afterward, all three went straight back to the alcohol.

1:21:31 Drew Right, if you don't continue to work the program, if it doesn't stay a priority, it will be a problem.

1:21:37 Right, now, all three of them, the reason they had stopped the program was because they were no longer necessarily having to go. They were supposedly cured.

1:21:49 Drew Well, there's no cure. That's in their head, that they thought they were cured. That's something you need to continue to do.

1:21:56 Oh, okay. Now, I was under the impression that you go for so long and they...

1:22:00 Drew No, no, that's something your family decided to do because they wanted to drink.

1:22:05 Adam You can do the math, can't you?

1:22:07 Drew I mean, all three of them went, all three of them worked when they were going, stopped working when they stopped. That's how alcoholism worked. There's a new medication called Camprol that will decrease the drive mechanisms. That whole GABA function I was talking about is affected by the Camprol. But that is where people in the program, in treatment, and yes, the intensity of involvement in AA may diminish as time goes along. But that first year, you've got to be actively, actively involved.

1:22:31 Adam That's why people take their cakes, 20-year cakes, 15-year cakes. Cake, although if I had it my way, it would be a pie. I don't understand why I have to get a cake. Fifteen years of sobriety, you get some crampy sheep cake.

1:22:48 Drew I'm sure they'd give you a peach pie or something.

1:22:50 Adam I would like a pie.

1:22:52 Drew Strawberry pie.

1:22:53 Adam Well, if it's in season. If I stopped boozing, I would stop boozing in a summer month. And then when I took my summer fruit pie. Well, I like a peach in season.

1:23:06 Drew Boysenberry?

1:23:07 Adam Well, in season. Boysenberry, no, because that's not an open crust pie.

1:23:12 Drew But a strawberry pie.

1:23:13 Adam Well, in season is what I'm saying. I give up the bottle. I do it in June or July. I get nice Murray calendars, you know, in season, strawberry pie, you know? You know what I mean?

1:23:25 Drew Yes.

1:23:26 Adam And then so my ten years and you know, instead of taking a cake, I take the pie in season. Of course.

1:23:31 Drew Of course.

1:23:33 Adam Or I could stop drinking in one of the winter months and get like an apple pie and do a dollar mode where they heat it up just a little bit.

1:23:42 Drew How about ice cream cake? That won't go for you either?

1:23:45 Adam I don't like it because I'm not sure whether to bite it or suck it.

1:23:49 Drew Yeah.

1:23:50 Adam You know what I mean? A little confusing. You use a fork but you don't chew.

1:23:54 Drew You don't lick it.

1:23:55 Adam Well, that's gay if you start licking it. It's weird. Let me tell you. Let me just ask you something, Drew. Good hot apple pie with a nice slab of white vanilla ice cream with a little bit of cinnamon flavor in it. As it starts melting onto the hot apple pie. Any better dessert? Different dessert, none better.

1:24:17 Drew No.

1:24:18 Adam Different, none better.

1:24:20 Drew No.

1:24:20 Adam None better.

1:24:21 Caller Okay.

1:24:22 Adam Thank God you didn't argue with me. We would have had to take the argument right into the bathroom, screaming at you. How dare you define it.

1:24:30 Drew Especially like the cobbler, apple cobbler with an apple.

1:24:35 Adam Oh, boy.

1:24:35 Drew That's a variation of that thing.

1:24:37 Adam All right. Let's take a break.

1:24:38 Now, this is wonderful.

1:24:41 Adam Pretty busy.

1:24:43 Drew Pretty busy?

1:24:46 Adam I'm Adam Nets, the Good Doctor, Dr. Drew Jenny McCarthy in studio tomorrow night. Plugging her movie Dirty Love, which I think she stars in. I know she stars in. She must be.

1:24:56 Drew She's on every billboard with it.

1:24:57 Adam She wrote, I think she wrote it with her ex-husband.

1:25:04 Drew Ex-husband?

1:25:06 Adam They're getting a divorce.

1:25:07 Drew This is the one that she has the baby with?

1:25:09 Adam Yeah, she wrote the book.

1:25:10 Drew Oh my.

1:25:13 Adam And wasn't she pregnant 10 minutes ago with this kid?

1:25:17 Drew Yes.

1:25:18 Adam What happened in good old days when people waited until the kid got into the fifth grade before they got divorced?

1:25:23 Caller It's awful.

1:25:25 Adam Awful for who?

1:25:26 Drew The kid.

1:25:26 Adam Yeah, better. Better you get divorced when the kid's four months.

1:25:30 Drew I remember I was doing the interview with Larry King one night and I was talking about how damaging and fracturing a divorce can be. And he goes, how dare you? In my day, the way we looked at it was each of this was an opportunity for another quality relationship with an adult.

1:25:45 Adam Oh yeah, well Larry's been married 28 times.

1:25:47 Drew If the parents divorced three times and each of those adults then remarried, that child had an opportunity to be in a relationship with eight different adults.

1:25:56 Adam Yeah.

1:25:56 Drew Oh my God.

1:25:58 Adam Yeah.

1:25:58 Drew That is sick S.

1:26:00 Adam Well, we're living in a town where everyone gets divorced, so if you start talking smack about it, they're going to get very defensive.

1:26:06 Drew Right, of course.

1:26:07 Adam Especially if you're blowhard.

1:26:09 Caller Jamie?

1:26:11 Guest Hello?

1:26:13 Drew Jamie?

1:26:14 Adam Jamie?

1:26:15 Guest Am I on IHER?

1:26:16 Adam Yes, you are.

1:26:18 Guest Okay. Well, I have a question. It regards my husband and well, he's been keeping it a secret from me and, you know, I recently found out and he normally does it on his own. He puts stuff in his butt while he watches porn.

1:26:38 Adam The secret is never I have a doctorate in Asian culture. You know what I mean?

1:26:43 Asian civilization?

1:26:44 Adam It's never, I play, I play the harp at a concert level.

1:26:48 Drew Could be that you were, you know, a secret agent.

1:26:50 Adam There's always a pack of something in my ass. There's never any good secrets anymore.

1:26:55 Drew You have a secret lair down below with a giant computer system?

1:26:58 Adam No, used to be work for the government. Now you shove stuff up your ass. Uh, yeah.

1:27:06 Guest Okay.

1:27:07 Adam As a matter of fact, you can just save yourself a lot of time when your husband says I got a secret. No, no, no. What do you put in your ass?

1:27:14 Guest Yeah. I don't know why. Like, you know, I told him that we can share it. You know, just tell me what turns you on, whatever, you know, let's do it together.

1:27:22 Drew But that's very liberated of you. And so what happens when you said that?

1:27:28 Guest Oh, then he just like, you know, we tried it once and I did do it. You know, I stuck stuff in his butt and what did you stick in there? My vibrator.

1:27:37 Drew Your vibrator?

1:27:39 Guest Yeah, because he used other things and I told him to stop using other things because I'm one of the...

1:27:44 Drew What does he use?

1:27:45 Adam I mean, but hold on a second, you know, putting... I would sooner put my retainer in someone's ass in my vibrator.

1:27:54 Drew Why? What do you mean?

1:27:55 Adam Or my eyeglasses or something. Well, if you think about what you're doing with your vibrator when you're done with it...

1:28:00 Drew It makes you require a little bit when you think about it.

1:28:02 Adam Well, you think, oh yeah, yeah, you put the vibrator in his ass, but then you put it...

1:28:05 Drew Well, I know that it is a...

1:28:07 Adam I put a chico stick that I was going to eat in there sooner than I put my vibrator.

1:28:12 Drew But the vibrator that goes in her is symbolically a penis.

1:28:15 Adam Uh-huh.

1:28:16 Drew Yeah, and that's what makes you require, I think. You know what I mean? It's like, oh no, no, that's the penis symbol we use.

1:28:21 Adam I would put a condom on it first. Did you put a condom on it?

1:28:24 Drew Yeah, we did.

1:28:25 Adam Oh, you did? All right. Or put it in a crown royal sack like me and Jimmy do.

1:28:29 Drew It's more what it does when going back to her that it needs the protection with the condom. But anyway... So, what happened?

1:28:36 Guest So, well, it's just like, he, I don't know. I mean, what did I make him...

1:28:43 Drew Hold on a second. He didn't like that?

1:28:46 Guest He sort of felt uneasy, so he did it on his own. He just covered the blanket and then he just did it on his own.

1:28:53 Drew So he didn't like you doing it?

1:28:55 Guest Again, he said, this is uncomfortable for me when you're here. Because I guess he used to do it on his own, but he...

1:29:01 Drew What did he put in there on his own? What was he using?

1:29:05 Guest Before, he just used household stuff, like my personal shaver.

1:29:11 Drew What is that?

1:29:12 Guest You know, like, a cubic shaving thing.

1:29:15 Drew He's imagining a Norelco or something. What the hell?

1:29:19 Guest No, like one of those...

1:29:20 Drew That's every Christmas of Santa Claus going down on the Norelco Shave.

1:29:24 Caller Oh, Santa's not a tunnel! No!...

1:29:27 Guest automatic shaver.

1:29:29 Drew All right, what else? What else? Oh, that must have been... That must have been...

1:29:32 Adam First off, by the way, I would be walking through that house, guessing, mind-reeling, reaching for a spatula, and backing off immediately.

1:29:41 Caller Oh, my God!

1:29:42 Adam Going in the fridge, pulling out a jug of milk, and then setting it back with a horrified look on my face, petting the dog, and then, oh, my God, where's he been? The love of Christ. All right, can you just...

1:29:56 Drew All right, so he's...

1:29:57 Adam How about you get divorced?

1:29:58 Drew No, no, he's keeping it to himself. It's fine. It has nothing to do with anything. It's just some weird thing he's getting.

1:30:03 Adam But you grab your garage clicker, and it's like you're sniffing him. You're sniffing everything now. You get your cell phone. You're sniffing that.

1:30:10 Drew He's not asking you to do lots of this with lots of different things all the time. He just sort of like, hey, let her know. He doesn't like doing it with her. He does it by himself. Fine. Enjoy. Got it.

1:30:17 Fine.

1:30:19 Drew That's it.

1:30:19 Guest Thought you just let him do it on his own.

1:30:21 Caller Yeah.

1:30:23 Adam Forget it.

1:30:24 Drew All right.

1:30:24 Adam Look, either this is bogus or you're insane. Do you have kids with this guy?

1:30:29 Guest Well, we just got married.

1:30:32 Adam Do you have kids?

1:30:34 Guest No, not yet.

1:30:35 Adam The answer is no.

1:30:35 Caller We're newlyweds.

1:30:37 Adam Okay. Well, the honeymoon's over, sweetness.

1:30:40 I'll see that.

1:30:41 Adam Ho, ho, ho, baby. Listen, crazy town, do not be crapping out too many kids with this guy. I don't trust him.

1:30:48 Drew I like the way he's just sort of keeping it under control. He's keeping it under wraps. It's not going to break into their relationship and overwhelm everything. You see appropriately sort of embarrassing, contained about it. It's like, all right, you have this weird thing. It's going to stay where it stays and that's that.

1:31:02 Adam Yeah.

1:31:02 Drew You know what I mean?

1:31:03 Adam Yeah.

1:31:04 Drew That's it.

1:31:05 Adam I can't help it. I judge, Drew.

1:31:06 Drew Oh, yeah.

1:31:07 Adam I know you can't judge.

1:31:08 Drew Oh, no.

1:31:08 Adam I know it's impossible. It's impossible to judge, but I judge.

1:31:13 Drew Order profile. Let's go.

1:31:14 Adam Take quick break. Be right back after this. Well, that's it. That's the show. I've won Jenny McCarthy in studio tomorrow night. And until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew. Saying mahalo. 15 years of sobriety, you get some crappy sheet cake. You get a cake, although, you know, if I had it my way, it would be a pie.

1:31:43 Caller This has been Loveline. Love Line.

1:31:56 Adam And as any good.

1:31:57 Caller Loveline.

1:31:57 Adam is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Monday, September 19, 2005