Episode 1000661105278

3:23 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience.

3:25 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content.

3:30 Voiceover Sexually-oriented content.

3:34 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised.

3:36 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised. Listener discretion is advised.

3:44 Voiceover With Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

3:46 Voiceover Hey, everyone, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1, Dr. Drew, board certified physician, addiction medicine specialist. Tonight from Arrested Development, Will Arnett is here. You want to know my problem, you want to know why I go insane in life is I get in between the people that have the misunderstanding and I know what each one of them is talking about. It's a curse and I'll explain in a second. It's like I'm the guy who's talking to someone and I hear someone in the background, Johnny. I'm like Johnny and I'm thinking are you going to respond to your own god damn name or do I have to say something? Okay, hey Johnny, yeah, someone's calling your name.

4:27 Drew Yeah, and you know what he wants too.

4:28 Adam I'm just saying I go through my life responsible for hearing all this kind of stuff and that's why I'm like a battery that's going to go long like a flashlight that's been left on in some pup tent and never never land. I'm just going to burn out too soon. But here's the exchange right before we went on the air. Drew said, how's your oven? Because I painted my oven over the weekend and Will said, you got a new oven? And Drew said, oven. And I realized now I have to get in between. So Will, I know you're confused because Drew said oven after you asked if I got a new oven.

5:02 Drew But he started the show with a spring and a smile on his voice. He sounded upbeat and interested in the show for a change. Even though he had to get involved with it. But it's good. So tell him about the oven.

5:11 Adam No, I'm curious why you said oven when he said oven.

5:15 Drew I thought he said, you got what?

5:18 Will Arnett Lovin.

5:19 Adam You thought I said some lovin. Did you say oven?

5:20 Will Arnett No, I said oven.

5:22 Drew And then I said oven too.

5:23 Will Arnett Did I hear correctly? Was it oven? Was oven the word?

5:26 Adam Yes, it is. And somehow I only hear...

5:28 Drew He baked his oven.

5:29 Well, I didn't bake my oven.

5:31 Drew I painted it.

5:32 Will Arnett I painted it.

5:33 Adam With automotive paint. And my refrigerator.

5:35 Will Arnett I don't know if I've ever been so sorry about asking a question as I am right now.

5:39 Adam Well, it was torture. It was torture for me because the mics went on the split second you said oven. And I realized now I'm tortured. I can't correct what Will thinks that Drew said. And Drew doesn't know what Will just said.

5:52 Drew But he started the show interested in the show. That's what I love about that.

5:56 Adam Are you high? Will Arnett.

5:58 Will Arnett What kind of oven, though?

6:00 Adam Dear, dear, dear, dear Viking, dear, dear friend Will Arnett, who I've never seen outside a studio. But I feel we're sort of kindred spirits.

6:08 Will Arnett We've talked about it before. It'll never happen.

6:11 Adam We could definitely hang, although we won't.

6:13 Will Arnett Yeah.

6:13 Adam But it's nice to know we could.

6:15 Will Arnett Yeah, it's great.

6:16 Adam And it'd be one of those things that if we did run into each other somewhere, we'd be like, wow, Will, great, finally. Forced to hang. But looking forward to it. But not so much that we're going to exchange phone numbers.

6:26 Drew It'd be weird by that point. It's like being friends for too long and then having sex or something.

6:30 Adam Well, yeah, we would have sex. Yeah.

6:32 Drew I mean, it's weird because you've been attending it for so long.

6:34 Adam I'd put a bun in his oven.

6:38 Will Arnett Right.

6:42 Adam Why do my ears work better than yours or is your brain, is something wrong with your brain?

6:47 Drew But when he asked the question, Yes.

6:48 Adam Why he said oven?

6:49 Drew Didn't hear him say oven. I heard him say.

6:51 Adam Why do I hear him say oven?

6:53 Drew Your ears are better than mine.

6:54 Adam But how can you hear him say another word that wasn't the word he said?

6:59 Drew It's never happened before that one person has heard one thing and the other not.

7:01 Adam No, but there's something going on in your brain. It ain't your ear. You're expecting him to say something.

7:06 Drew Well, it's all, yes, of course. You're absolutely right. There's always expectation.

7:09 Adam That's where you go. That's where you go.

7:11 Will Arnett That's interesting. Right.

7:13 Drew Yeah. Expectation affects what you hear and what you experience.

7:15 Will Arnett Well, it's kind of the way that your brain...

7:17 Well, if you think about it...

7:18 Will Arnett Well, your brain... Your brain... No, I'm not a scientist. This is going to shock a ton of people.

7:23 Go ahead.

7:24 Will Arnett But don't you... Your brain, sometimes when you look from one object to another, it actually... You don't necessarily... I don't see... Look from you to you. My brain kind of fills in.

7:34 Drew Yes, it fills in.

7:35 Will Arnett In between. So maybe your brain does the same thing hearing-wise. No, absolutely.

7:38 Adam Absolutely. And I think that's the interesting part of this whole thing, which is... And this is not an attack on my dear colleague, Drew, I think he deserves it.

7:47 Drew No, it's an interesting...

7:48 Adam But it's interesting because...

7:49 Drew And an uncomfortable observation.

7:51 Adam Uncomfortable. But you know, this is part of the process. And you have to let yourself go. This is step 13 for you, Drew.

7:58 Will Arnett It's all about the process.

7:59 Adam The thing is, is you had to have a brain go in another direction or expecting another answer. Otherwise, it would be difficult to convert what was something into something else.

8:10 Drew Right. Not only that, but you know how my brain is always going to overdrive anyway. So it's exactly the kind of brain that would do that.

8:16 Adam Oh, yeah. Yeah.

8:18 Will Arnett Your brain is like the new software they have for computers where it's assuming what you're writing.

8:23 Drew It makes assumptions.

8:24 Will Arnett It makes assumptions. Right. I don't want to say assumptions.

8:27 Drew No, I make assumptions. And they're often wrong. That's a mistake.

8:29 Will Arnett And we all do.

8:30 Adam Right. No, no.

8:31 Drew Just me.

8:34 Adam Will is not only in Arrested Development, but is the voice of GMC, right? Not more than you want. But you're still going to pay for it.

8:47 Drew Do you do anything for Fox?

8:48 Will Arnett No. I don't. Sadly, I don't. They have not called me.

8:52 Adam I swear. Do you want to check your brain again?

8:53 Drew The reason I was going to ask is you brought this up and you told me I was wrong, and I am, of course, wrong. But there's somebody that sounds like you doing the OC thing.

9:02 Will Arnett I like to imitate that guy.

9:03 Adam Do it.

9:04 Will Arnett This week on the OC. Yeah. This week on an all-new OC. Because he kind of goes, oh, like he's from Maryland.

9:12 Drew But he's from Beech all of a sudden.

9:15 Adam Do me a favor. Do this one. Someone's killing this week on Vegas. Someone's killing Showgirls and Dan wants to know why.

9:26 Will Arnett This week on an all-new Vegas. Someone is killing Showgirls and Dan wants to know why.

9:39 Adam That was as much entertainer as I had from age 11 to 19. I didn't even watch Vegas. I just watched them promo Vegas. And I was like, wow, this guy's got a car in his phone. And then I realized a phone in his car.

9:56 Drew It's the T-Bird?

9:57 Adam Yeah, I had the T-Bird. I was like, oh my God, there's no wire on his phone.

10:01 Will Arnett Did he have a phone? There were a couple of people who had those phones.

10:03 Adam He had a phone in his car. I think Vegas was the phone. I was looking at my life and I was thinking, Corolla, we barely have a toaster oven. It's a time-share toaster oven. We get it on Monday and Wednesday and Thursday. Yeah. No, we had to share. No, well, we actually kept one toaster oven. All right, so Will also married to Amy Poehler from Saturday Night Live, by the way, who's super funny and very talented and good-looking, too. You know, you don't normally get the good-looking and the funny, yeah. But Amy Poehler is very attractive and very talented.

10:42 Will Arnett She got hugged last night by Bono. I don't know if anybody saw that.

10:45 Adam Are you pissed?

10:47 Will Arnett Well, I'm pissed. I mean, yes, he is. But does it?

10:55 Drew He's got a play in the morning.

10:56 Adam I had this great, I can't stand Bono, by the way, because he's always at some summit meeting or he's out here on the Capitol steps or he thinks he's running this country. He wants to know what's going on with this country. You know, so I thought, first off, you're not from here, Bono or Bono or whatever you call yourself. There's a couple things I think about you two. One is you got Bono and then you got the Edge, and then you got Larry What's-his-name, and I think, how sad is it when you're Larry, sandwich in between the Edge and Bono, and Bono, I'm Edge, I'm Larry. You sound like an idiot, right? All right, but then I think, I was thinking, look, go back to your crappy Ireland and get things straightened out over there. Don't worry about us. We're doing fine. No, no, he's over here doing his thing. And I thought, how would he like it if we did that to him? And then I thought, we send Bob Seeger over to Ireland to straighten things out. And Bob just goes, hey, Bono, yeah, I'm heading over to Ireland. I'm going to talk to the Congress or whatever you guys have on there. I'm going to get people together. I'm going to protest. I'm going to be angry about what's going on.

11:58 Will Arnett But you know what? They ought to send the nudes with them, too.

12:00 Drew I was thinking Ted Nugent. That's what I was thinking.

12:02 Adam Well, Ted Nugent, that's the muscle.

12:06 Drew That's a rifle. Ted Nugent is a shotgun.

12:08 Adam See, here's the thing. You keep Ted. You keep Ted in your hip pocket, because it's like, listen, if Bob Seeger is not working out, I will call Ted Nugent. He'll take an ATV to Ireland, and he'll have a crossbow with him.

12:21 Will Arnett He'll wait the six weeks to have it shipped there, too.

12:24 It'll be a slow burn.

12:25 Drew Did you see that NBA fight the other night?

12:27 Adam Yes.

12:28 Will Arnett It was huge.

12:30 Drew And I thought to myself, first of all, the Major League Baseball has a long and rich history of things flying out of the stands. Only Milton Bradley is the only guy I've ever seen fly into the stands. I mean, the reality is, even if somebody's shot with a crossbow out of the stands, they should like hail security and get the guy arrested. You don't jump into the stands.

12:47 Will Arnett I agree.

12:48 Drew Who's paying your bills, guys?

12:50 Adam Drew, you're thinking like a white guy, number one. I mean, to be honest.

12:55 Drew Referencing baseball and all that, I guess you're right.

12:58 Adam I'm just saying, look, these athletes are like beat up thoroughbreds. No, I just mean, you ever see like a horse that pulls a plow? That's you, Drew. A mule that pulls a train.

13:17 Will Arnett Whatever you do on the weekend.

13:20 Adam I'm just saying a bird could land on you and your firm would just do that weird shiver move. These guys are like thoroughbreds. You try to get them into the gate, their blood's coming out of their nostrils, their veins coming out of their stuff. You agitate those guys, white or black, whatever they are, they're coming after you.

13:35 Will Arnett And if they don't perform exactly like you want, then everybody freaks out. But you do have to ask the question, would Michael Jordan have done it like a great player? Would Larry Bird have done it?

13:47 Drew No.

13:48 Will Arnett Magic have done it? No.

13:52 Drew Chamberlain.

13:53 Will Arnett Well, he would have hit a couple women on the way and then he would have got to it.

14:00 Adam It's clearly wrong. But these guys, one of the things that makes athletes great is shutting everything off and sort of like reacting. It's sort of like the great boxers, you know, they're not looking around. They don't really even know where they are. They just tunnel vision on what's in front of them. And these guys just react. Their reaction time is ten times faster than ours. They get hit with a beer. It's like, I'm killing. I don't think they even know where they are. And I'm not defending them.

14:27 Drew Yeah, I'm not sure I'd call that a trait that I'd hail.

14:31 Adam Well, look, here's all I'm saying. I'm not defending our test or whoever went into the stands. On the other hand, don't throw beer on somebody if you don't want to get your ass kicked. That's number one. I don't believe it's sort of like the zoo where, you know, there's a gorilla that could take your arms off, but there's a cage in between, and we're going to torment it. Now, there's just a small fence, so don't go torment it.

14:55 Will Arnett It's a fold-up table.

14:56 Drew There's a horrible behavior on both sides.

15:00 Will Arnett And it really goes to the heart. I mean, without getting into it, I don't have the time for it, but it is, and it's going to sound so liberal, which is really all it means is free liberal, which is hilarious that it's become a four-letter word, but the idea that that sort of display on Friday night is really such a manifestation of where we're at. It really is. And if anybody thinks that it's not, then they're wrong. Because the whole idea of my respect, you disrespected me, and trash talk, and all those things that are now such a big part of our vernacular that are just ridiculous notions, and they're all about pride and misdirected anger and all this sort of junk. It's all about aggression.

15:44 Adam Yeah, it's ridiculous, but on both sides, and then fans coming down to square off with it.

15:51 Will Arnett That was hilarious.

15:53 Adam That wouldn't have happened 20 years ago either. I mean, forget about the athlete going up there. I think the fan would have walked down and tried to square up with the guy.

16:02 Will Arnett People used to wear suits and wear hats and go to games, and there was this sort of, there's no...

16:06 Adam You know, it's like, I always think about flying. Guys would have an ascot and a blue blazer on. Now I've got a guy cut off sweats and a boner.

16:22 Drew One flip-flop.

16:25 Adam He's wearing a woman's stocking over his head.

16:27 Drew That's nearly what you're wearing right now.

16:29 Adam I'm not exposing myself to hundreds of people. Yeah, the guy's just sitting there. He's wearing the tank top. No pockets? What do you do, just carrying your ID around? What do you do with your keys when you travel?

16:44 Will Arnett He doesn't have any stuff.

16:46 Adam Where is he going in the loose?

16:50 Will Arnett Albuquerque.

16:51 Adam I don't mind a tank top, but the one where the bottom of the armpit goes down lower than your hip, that ain't a tank top. It's barely a poncho. That's what Tyson wears into the ring, just a towel with a hole in it. I don't need to be seeing stretch marks around your liver while I'm trying to eat my peanuts.

17:10 Drew Makes for a great bouquet, though.

17:11 Adam Yeah, this is where it all started, in airline travel, and now it's moved its way to the arena. But yeah, no one's right. Everyone's wrong. But all I'm saying is, if you're a guy, you've got to understand, too, these guys were the big men on campus. I mean, they don't have anybody come... No one came up to them when they were 17, 6'6, 265, and started to pick on them. No one ever told these guys, you're sitting there, all of a sudden, you get hit in the back of the head with a beer. You just turn around, that's it. It's a switch that's thrown.

17:47 Drew Speaking of game on, let's take some calls.

17:51 Adam Kitty? 21?

17:53 Drew Yeah. Don't hang up on her, Adam, don't.

17:56 Adam Let's hang up on her.

17:57 Drew I mean, do hang up on her, please.

17:58 Adam Oh, yeah? Well, maybe we'll just talk to her.

18:01 Drew Excellent. I mean, horrible. I'm angry. I hate it.

18:04 Adam See? I got a brain, too, buddy. Kitty?

18:08 What'd I do?

18:09 Adam You're 21? No, just had a bad connection, so I put my finger over the button there. What's up?

18:14 Caller My boyfriend is twice my age, and we've been dating for about six months, and we haven't done anything but kiss, and I was wondering if there's kind of a delicate way I could ask him why we're not having sex.

18:25 Adam Twice your age, so he's 42.

18:28 Caller Yeah.

18:30 Will Arnett I know what it is. Either herpes or gay.

18:33 Drew Or married. Oh.

18:35 Caller No, not married, divorced, not gay, staunch Republican, staunch Catholic, he's from Texas.

18:41 Drew Let's just take in Kitty for a second. They've got a little something there.

18:47 Adam What's going on with you? I like the herpes or gay part, which is going to be a new show we're going to try to work on. Here, do the VO for it. It's time to play Herpes or Gay. Your host, Adam Carolla. Ladies and gentlemen.

19:01 Will Arnett Ladies and gentlemen, your host, Adam Carolla, for an all-new week of Herpes or Gay.

19:10 Adam Thank you, Will. Thank you, great job. Hey, you guys, give yourselves a hand. Give yourselves a hand. Fantastic. Well, you all know how the game is to play. Yeah, that would be a good game. You could be my, uh, Rod, Rod, Rod Rowdy? Rowdy, Rod, Rod, Rod, Roddy? Kitty, Rod Roddy, who was the... Who was the announcer? No, the Price is Right for all those...

19:36 Will Arnett Yeah, he just passed away.

19:37 Drew I can't remember his name.

19:38 Adam I thought it was like Rod Roddy.

19:40 Will Arnett Oh, Rod something. I'll do it.

19:42 Adam All right, you're in. Kitty?

19:45 Caller Yeah.

19:46 Adam All right, you're gonna get a big fat check in the mail every week when this thing goes to syndication.

19:51 Drew What do you do for a living, Kitty?

19:54 Caller I'm an actress. Yes, I'm unemployed right now.

20:07 Drew Would he call you his girlfriend?

20:11 No, I just don't know how to put it.

20:20 Drew In the past, when I've had boyfriends, we had sex.

20:24 Adam Yeah, that's it. And weaving another penis into the mix, though.

20:28 Drew Or just saying, I've always thought when I had a boyfriend, it meant we were having sex.

20:32 Caller But that's the thing, I've never actually had a boyfriend, because I've only dated girls up to this point.

20:38 Drew I felt it right at the beginning.

20:40 Adam All right, so Kitty, something's going on with your sexual satellite dish, too. When were you molested?

20:51 Caller I was eight.

20:52 Adam Okay, that's going to be another game we're going to work on.

20:55 Drew When were you molested?

20:56 Adam Time to play, when were you molested?

20:59 When did your dad rape you?

21:06 Adam It wasn't your dad, who was it?

21:08 Caller It was my best friend's dad.

21:10 Drew Oh, nice. That's a nice twist.

21:13 Adam Of course this could be horrifying. I mean, your dad doing it to you is like sort of deeply disturbing, but your friend's dad is sort of frightening at the same time.

21:23 Drew That's all of it.

21:24 Adam All right. So, what are we going to do? How about a little therapy, Kitty?

21:29 Drew Well, no, Kitty, bring it up with your boyfriend. If there's something, you know, you have a history of...

21:34 Adam I wonder if he thinks she's his girlfriend.

21:37 Drew Well, I wonder if he's gay, as gay or herpes.

21:40 Adam Well, you met him on the stage?

21:43 Caller Yeah.

21:43 Drew She's a lesbian there.

21:46 Sorry, I couldn't hear that.

21:48 Will Arnett Sorry, what play were you doing?

21:50 Caller It was Our Town, I think.

21:55 He's not gay.

21:57 Adam Look, if he was on stage and didn't have a roll of duct tape on his belt and was working on something, he was actually in the play.

22:04 Caller No, no, no, he was in the crew.

22:09 Adam Then it doesn't matter what the production is. Unless it's our town.

22:12 Drew What made you leave women for this guy?

22:15 Caller I don't know. I mean, I didn't plan on it. It just kind of happened.

22:23 Drew Imagine somebody that she was really attracted to. She's got all these issues with men. Super attracted to this guy. Guys want to have sex. What is up with this guy?

22:31 Adam Go ahead and talk to him.

22:32 Drew We don't have enough information to give you anything useful except to say you just need to talk to him. The fact that you won't talk to him is sort of bizarre. Of course you would talk to him about something like this. Go ahead and feel justified in bringing it up.

22:44 Adam I'm going nuts with the announcer for the prizes.

22:47 Drew There was Jay Sutton. Rod Roddy.

22:50 Adam Well, I said it three times.

22:52 Drew Neither of us had heard of it.

22:55 Adam Anderson, you could jump in too, buddy.

22:57 Caller I felt bad because I said Roddy Ryder Piper. I was completely on the wrong track. I thought you were talking about something else. I looked it up for you, buddy.

23:02 Adam Oh, okay. Rod Roddy. It just sounds wrong.

23:07 Drew Like what was going on in the parents' head?

23:09 Caller It looks great on Tombstone, though.

23:11 Adam Yeah, it's fantastic.

23:13 Will Arnett It's totally made up.

23:14 Adam It must be made up. Although it's not good enough to be made up.

23:19 Drew Do you know what I mean?

23:21 Will Arnett Well, he's an announcer.

23:22 Adam We'll go find his grave. Chris, go to Rod Roddy's grave during the next commercial and bury yourself. No, go find out what...

23:32 Drew It looks like somebody should be outside of the Haunted Mansion in Disneyland.

23:34 Adam I don't trust you. So take a piece of paper and a pencil and stencil the gravestone and then bring it back to me. Or take a picture of it with your camera phone. But I want a current newspaper where the date is displayed next to it. All right, do that during the break. Where are we going, Drew? I don't want to talk to this guy. What about Christina? Christina? Where is she? Two? All right. Christina?

23:57 Caller Yeah?

23:58 Adam You're 20. You masturbate up to five times a day. Wow. And that's a lot.

24:07 Caller Yeah, I was wondering if that was not normal for girls, considering that I hear that girls don't masturbate that much.

24:14 Drew Yeah, it runs a big... I'm not sure you could talk about normal when you talk about women. There's a huge spectrum of what is normal. And I think we would mostly look at whether or not it's affecting your life or your relationships and whether you've had a history of sexual abuse or bipolar disorder that this could be sort of an expression of. Well, there you go.

24:39 Adam And thanks for playing When Were You Molested. Rob, what do we got for her? She's getting therapy in a Bataka bat. So, you were molested, right? Or physically abused?

24:52 Caller Well, a lot of stuff.

24:55 Adam Well, how about a little therapy for you?

24:57 Drew The sex, the masturbation becomes a way of managing feelings. We have sort of dissociating and getting yourself out of yourself a little bit. It's not really a sexual expression so much as a compulsion. Yeah, it's a sign that something may be going on. Are you having sex with guys too? But do you have a problem with having sex with lots of guys?

25:16 Um, no, not a lot of people.

25:18 Caller I've only had it with three people so far.

25:21 Drew But that doesn't bother you? You feel comfortable with that?

25:24 Caller Yeah, that's okay.

25:26 Adam Well, how about you get some therapy for all the abuse?

25:29 Drew It's just a symptom.

25:30 Adam I know it sounds funny, but you were talking about your life here, right?

25:34 Caller Yeah, that is true. It's like, I don't know. I wasn't always abused, but I was abused, actually abused when I was two years old.

25:44 Adam Well, look, let's put it this way. Even if, you know, from zero to fifteen, you're only molested six or seven years out of that time, less than half, less than half, still it has some effect, some long-term effect.

25:59 Drew Even one time, and clearly in your case, it's had an effect on your wiring. That's what this symptom is all about. It will have an effect on how you conduct yourself in relationships and thereby affect your overall happiness.

26:11 Adam We talk about this quite often, but it seems like a good time to talk about it again. What is it in this country that we put almost no emphasis on that sort of emotional health? I mean, we do from a sort of BS money-making scam kind of way. There's two things we don't do. We do it in a Kabbalah BS kind of way. But look, if you were ritualistically abused or sexually molested or whatever happened to you growing up, you're going to need some help, or you're going to be sort of damned to make the same mistakes over and over again.

26:39 Drew That's the part we can't stand in this country. We're free, Adam. It's a free country. We're free to do one.

26:43 Adam I know. Just watch Dr. Phil. He'll tell you to put down the fork, the syringe, and the knife you've been using to cut your thigh. Just mind over matter.

26:53 Drew Make a choice.

26:54 Adam Yeah, make a choice. Everyone has to make a choice. Well, obviously, they're having difficulty making the choices because it's not working out. And as a society, we then have to pay for it.

27:05 Drew We have a problem with disorders of motivation. We don't because we want to believe we're free to choose everything. The original, the founding fathers' original ideas of liberty were about not being under the tyranny of somebody else. Not free to do whatever you want, but just not being under the controlling tyranny of an outside force that was at their own free will to do what they please. So be that as it may.

27:30 Adam All right, but all we do as a government and as a society is sort of react to it after it happens. Yes. All right. Now the guy's killed, he's molested his family.

27:42 Drew How could that happen? He was such a nice guy.

27:44 Adam How could that be?

27:45 Drew He was molested as a young person. That has nothing to do with Adam. How dare you?

27:50 Adam We're going to sit around and wait for him to molest his own kids.

27:52 Drew Do you mean that everybody's been molested is therefore damned to do this and we have to prejudice them that way?

27:58 Adam Yes, I do.

28:00 Drew Just plug in Polar Bear instead of human.

28:02 Adam Right.

28:02 Drew Just plug that in.

28:03 Adam Which is probably like a pet name that Will has for his one and only wife. We just sit around and wait to react. So it's like, okay, this guy got molested. We'll wait for him to molest his kids and then we'll throw him in jail. That's our reaction. Then his kids will molest somebody and then we'll react after that. It's not a great way to go through life. Let's go ahead and do a little profiling, everybody, whether it's at the airport or on the home front.

28:33 Will Arnett The whole idea of profiling on any level is, it seems sort of, it's got this bad connotation, but if a thing went out, an APB, if you will, went out and said, there's a guy who's murdering people and he's wearing a red hat, would you pull over every guy who's wearing a red hat?

28:52 Adam Yeah.

28:53 Will Arnett You would, right?

28:54 Adam I would.

28:54 Will Arnett That's my red hat theory.

28:56 Drew But by the way, listen, when I go in to see some...

28:58 Adam Well, no, I wouldn't pull over a 90-year-old guy.

29:00 Drew When I go in to see a guy with chest pain, I'm profiling. Do you smoke cigarettes? How old are you?

29:05 Caller You can't answer.

29:06 Adam You don't know him.

29:07 Drew That's it.

29:07 Will Arnett That's all there is. Everything is about profiling.

29:10 Drew Everything about the human is about the circuit. We gotta take a break.

29:15 Adam We gotta take a break. I'll do a clean transition. We gotta profile some commercials here. I'll tell you what, we'll learn that to see our drastic development. We're gonna profile the urinal over there, right, Drew? And we'll be right back after this.

29:33 So get your problems ready.

29:36 Love Line is brought to you by Playboy. The December issue of Playboy on Newsstands Now is loaded with the College Hoops preview and the annual music poll. You might not even notice the Denise Richards pictorial.

30:08 Adam Hey, buddy, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Will Arnett is here tonight from Arrested Development. Sunday nights, 8.30. Fox, five Emmys. Count them, Drew.

30:22 Drew One, two.

30:23 Adam I mean, you know.

30:24 Drew Oh, five.

30:24 Adam Count them, five Emmys.

30:26 Wow, yeah.

30:28 Adam Cleaned up at the Emmys. I mean, it was-

30:31 Drew The darling of the Emmys.

30:32 Adam The darling of the Emmys. I mean, certainly in the comedy department, I don't think anything did better than the rest of the development.

30:37 Drew They got all the awards. How could they do better?

30:39 Adam That's right. Count them, Drew. Five.

30:41 Drew Wow.

30:43 Caller Two, three, four, five. I just want to say this. I've never seen the show and I didn't know Will was going to be on tonight, but I actually watched it because it's on a different time now. And I don't know any of the characters. I was laughing out loud.

30:55 Drew Yeah, this is the Anderson show. This is the Anderson's kind of show.

30:59 Will Arnett Right on.

30:59 Caller It's everybody's kind of show is what I'm saying.

31:01 Will Arnett Yeah. That's right. That's right. That's what we're trying to tell America. I'm trying to get that out.

31:05 Caller It's like I think that all the writers are looking for work because of the reality shows and they're all working on the show, all the good writers.

31:12 Adam Oh, maybe. Maybe it's somewhere freed up.

31:14 Drew Interesting.

31:15 Will Arnett Reality TV.

31:17 Drew It's, I hear it's.

31:18 Will Arnett It's the crack cocaine.

31:20 Drew Finally, it's finally sliding out. Sliding away.

31:24 Adam Yeah, don't worry. It'll be gone by the time Drew launches his reality show.

31:28 Drew That's a way to make it go away.

31:30 Which I am excited for.

31:31 Adam Get Drew on the air. Yeah, and then, of course, Herpes and what was the other one?

31:36 Will Arnett Herpes are gay.

31:37 Drew Herpes are gay?

31:37 Adam Or gay, yeah.

31:39 Drew Herpes are gay, simply lava lamps and sea rings.

31:44 Adam Yeah, we can't say that anymore. All right, you ready to go here, Drew? There we go.

31:49 Drew Yeah, we gotta play a court in Countdown tonight, too, for Will.

31:53 Adam You're gonna love this game. But a game you're gonna love even more is Germany or Florida. This is-

32:00 Drew You played this one with us?

32:01 Adam No. Brian?

32:03 Will Arnett Yeah?

32:04 Adam 14? All right, Alex, Brian will tell us the bizarre story and then we will guess. Is it Germany or is it Florida?

32:14 Drew Where this took place.

32:15 Will Arnett Oh, okay. Oh, wait, I think I, yeah.

32:18 Adam We may have played it. Go ahead, Brian.

32:20 Okay, so city officials have drawn up blueprints for the first jail specifically to house OAPs, old-age prisoners, plans for the $8 million jail near, near, sorry, come at a time when other criminals have been in the news. Three bank robbing granddads, a 63, 72 and 74, were recently arrested for a 30-year career. Want me to keep going?

32:48 Drew No, no, we'll go from here.

32:49 Adam So they're building like a seniors prison. Is that Germany or is that Florida?

32:55 Drew Well, it's everything lines up with Florida on that one.

32:58 Adam It does, because you got the old, you have the criminals, and you have old folks. Maybe it's too easy.

33:04 Drew Jews are all criminals.

33:05 Adam Oh, Jews, yeah, no, 80% of the street crimes by old Jews.

33:09 Drew Yeah, and the fact that he labeled them OAPs. If it was in German, I don't think one of our callers would be able to translate it to English and give us an acronym like that.

33:19 Adam Interesting.

33:20 Drew Unless this guy is diabolical and really screwing with us. It's almost too good. It's almost too Florida.

33:28 Adam I don't have a crystal ball, but just by hearing Brian's voice, I'm gonna guess that diabolical is one of the words that is rarely used to describe it. Hi, yes, are you insane? Once in a while.

33:40 Drew And are you listening?

33:41 Adam Are you listening? Probably comes up a lot too, but diabolical. Brian, have you ever been called diabolical?

33:47 Caller No.

33:49 Adam It's a big word. How about like mad, like a mad genius?

33:54 Caller I've been called strange.

33:56 Adam Okay.

33:58 Drew Another curve for us.

33:59 Adam And consider that a compliment by the way.

34:01 Caller Yeah, I know.

34:02 Adam It's a relative thing.

34:05 Caller All right.

34:06 Adam Germany or Florida? How are we going to go to Florida? All right, Will, what do you think?

34:11 Will Arnett I gotta go to Germany because you guys both went to Florida. It seems too easy, but I agree. I did not pick up on the OAP thing and you've got a great point. I think I'm gonna take a loss here.

34:20 Drew You may win, though, because this could be a diabolical, strange caller.

34:24 Adam Strange. Brian, we're going Florida, Will's going Germany. What's the answer?

34:29 Caller Germany, my friends.

34:31 Drew Oh, Brian, well done.

34:34 Caller The brilliance of andronova.com.

34:36 Adam Wow, and so, Drew, your hypothesis about him using the initials on what? Old, what?

34:44 Drew Old age persons.

34:46 Adam Old age persons.

34:47 Caller Old age prisoners.

34:49 Adam Oh, prisoners, right. And if it was in German, it wouldn't have those letters.

34:57 Will Arnett There'll be an umlaut in there.

34:58 Drew Now he's back to one of our callers.

34:59 Adam Now you're getting weird again. All right, Brian, God bless you. You stumped that.

35:03 Drew Two-thirds of the panel.

35:04 Adam We're Walter Cocker.

35:05 Will Arnett We'll wait just to solve the mystery. Brian, did you come up with the OAP or was that in the story?

35:10 Caller Say that one more time.

35:12 Will Arnett The OAP, did you come up with that or was that in the story that you read?

35:15 Caller That's right, in the story.

35:16 Will Arnett Okay.

35:18 Drew It had to be Alta Cocker something.

35:20 Will Arnett Alta Cocker.

35:21 Drew Alta Cocker.

35:22 Adam Really? Well, maybe they just, Clink, Alta Cocker, Clink.

35:28 Will Arnett Yes, could be. Alta Cocker, Clink, that's right, that's right.

35:32 Adam What's that word again?

35:33 Drew No, Clink was the...

35:34 Will Arnett Clink.

35:35 Adam Right.

35:35 Drew Is the jail.

35:36 Adam Oh, Clink, yeah, I was thinking of Colonel Hogan. Colonel Clink.

35:40 Drew Alta Cocker is old persons.

35:42 Adam All right. Clink is jail. Yeah. All right.

35:45 Caller Hello?

35:46 Adam You're 18?

35:48 Caller Yeah.

35:48 Adam What's up?

35:50 Caller I wanted to know why my boyfriend would lose his direction while we're having sex, and it's only in certain positions also. What's the position? What was that?

36:00 Adam Doggy?

36:01 Caller No, usually when I was young, how dare you?

36:04 Adam Well, sometimes you get a little whiff of ass, and it's like, oh man, it can be rough. You're like, oh my God, I'm banging a human.

36:15 Drew But once again, hold on, before we go back to it, doesn't that somewhat function based on who you're with? I mean, if it was somebody, you know, there's Claudia Schiffer or something like that.

36:27 Adam You like a little ass? Yeah, oh no, it's Claudia Schiffer. It's like, the next morning, I'm like, could you please cramp on my waffle? Thank you, thank you. Okay, that's fantastic. That's it? That's all, I guess I'll spread it out. Well, no, it's just a waffle because the divots eat it up pretty good. But no, no, no, that's what you got. That's what you got.

36:49 Will Arnett You know what, they go for that in Germany.

36:51 Yeah, that was Germany, yeah.

36:52 Will Arnett They go for that.

36:53 Giselle?

36:55 Adam Yeah, no, it's really, it's really.

36:57 Drew But that's the thing, the beauty of man is what I'm saying. I mean, man, they have certain times, they're very sensitive. Other times, it's like, they saw their arm off.

37:04 Adam Hot chick can get away with more.

37:07 Drew Or anything.

37:09 Adam Or anything. Right.

37:10 Drew Which is not fair, but the way it is.

37:12 Adam Scary chick, yeah, she belches and it's a deal breaker. Hot chick.

37:15 Drew It breaks his concentration.

37:16 Adam Yeah, hot chick's just, just with more fuel. Throw it in his fire.

37:21 Drew Sad but true.

37:22 Adam Sad but true. Giselle?

37:23 Caller Yeah.

37:24 Adam Are you a hot chick?

37:26 Caller You could say that.

37:28 Adam You could. You ever crap on his waffles?

37:30 Caller No, I don't crap on his waffles.

37:32 Adam Well, then you're not that hot.

37:34 Will Arnett It's not a euphemism, by the way.

37:35 Adam I gotta be honest. I gotta be honest, because when you're smoking, no, no, yeah.

37:41 Drew Yeah, no, listen, it's not, Will, haven't you said to your friends when you were gonna hide somewhere, oh, she's a waffle crapper.

37:46 Adam Yeah.

37:47 Will Arnett Yeah.

37:48 Adam Oh, man, did you see Quincy Jones with those two waffle crappers on his arm when he came to the five awards?

38:01 Oh, they were smoking.

38:02 Will Arnett Oh, Mom and Dad, I can't wait till you meet her. I bring her home for Thanksgiving. She's a real waffle crapper.

38:06 Adam Your mother was a waffle crapper at one time, too. I met her at a sock hop in 1961. I said to my buddy, I said, that is a waffle crapper. I could see it from across the gym.

38:20 Caller And sure enough, it's not.

38:24 Adam Yep.

38:25 Will Arnett It's even good in German, waffle crapper.

38:30 Adam Waffle crapping time is over. Yeah. Well, that's the whole thing. You marry her because she's a waffle crapper. And then, but then her personality starts coming through. And she gets a little older. And she gets a little long in the tooth. And next thing you know, you got your secretary crapping on your waffle crapper. You got a trophy waffle crapper now.

38:54 Drew My man, you complain a second too. My wife used to be such a waffle crapper.

38:57 Adam She was a waffle crapper.

38:58 Drew And now she's, you never see her.

39:04 Adam Trophy waffle crapper.

39:06 Will Arnett Then America's next waffle crapper.

39:10 You have judges.

39:14 Adam Yeah, it just sounds like, you're right.

39:17 Will Arnett Who wants to be a waffle crapper?

39:19 Adam Right. You got, you got, what's his name?

39:22 Will Arnett Lorenzo Lamas.

39:22 Adam Lorenzo Lamas got his laser pointer. She's a waffle crapper.

39:27 Drew I just saw him.

39:28 Adam Trophy waffle crapper.

39:30 Will Arnett On the street?

39:31 Adam You know, he's been with some waffle crappers. Champion waffle crapper. Yeah, legendary waffle crapper go-getter. Yeah. Sure. Waffle crapper, it sounds like a horrible German name.

39:48 Will Arnett It does, totally. Leslie Waffle Crapper.

39:52 Adam Also sounds like a World War II aircraft manufacturer. The Waffle Crapper Company, they later made coffee pots.

40:01 Will Arnett I remember when I heard the waffle crapper coming over my village, they started to bomb us.

40:13 Drew The waffle crapper was a legion in the Air Force. It wasn't a plane, it was a crew.

40:16 Adam They manufactured, they were sued for atrocities because they used slave labor in their forging plants.

40:22 Drew I'm pleased to be the waffle crapper. All right.

40:27 Adam Now they make chainsaws and crock pots.

40:29 Drew Let's take a break. Do you want to finish with yourself?

40:34 Adam Let's get her.

40:36 Drew Look what she did to us, too.

40:37 Adam Let's focus. We got to break it down. We got to get a hand in it. Will got us punchy. Will Arnett in here from Arrested Development, 8.30 Sunday night. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

40:55 Love Live! So get your problems ready.

41:01 Adam Drew, how much money do guys spend trying to get chicks? Into the billions?

41:06 Cars?

41:08 Adam Condos?

41:09 Caller Hair plugs?

41:10 Adam All they need is a max deodorant body spray. And a billion dollars. Hey, everyone, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E, one nine, what was it? One nine one, yeah. Will Arnett is here tonight from Arrested Development, 830 on Fox. Find out what everyone, and when I say everyone, I mean, Engineer Anderson, is talking about. Five Emmys can't be wrong. Three could be wrong. And actually, here's the funny part, six can be wrong, but five can't be wrong.

41:55 Drew No way.

41:55 Will Arnett It's a good number.

41:56 Adam Yeah, five. Cause like, you get six Emmys, it's like, all right, something's going on, this is an insight show. Somebody knows somebody.

42:03 Drew Hand off somebody, yeah.

42:04 Adam Yeah, Arnett's gonna reach around to one of the guys.

42:07 Drew It's compensation at six. It's compensation.

42:09 Adam It's compensation at six, yeah, like we really feel bad. Maybe the show has cancer, we feel bad. Yeah, it becomes like Alan Alden in Paper Line, where they let him score a touchdown.

42:21 Will Arnett I don't know why I get accused of a reach around, but okay.

42:23 Adam Okay. Bateman's got way too much dignity for that.

42:26 Will Arnett For the reach around?

42:27 Adam Yeah, he's a proud guy. He wouldn't do that. You'll stoop to any level, any level. You're desperate. You're dangerous.

42:35 Will Arnett I'm a loose candidate.

42:36 Adam I always like when animals...

42:37 Will Arnett Reach around, bread eyes.

42:39 Adam Animals get more dangerous when they're wounded. It's like, you know, like they do that with fighters too. He's, oh, he's in the corner. He's getting the crap beat out of him. Look out, he can be dangerous now. Really, I'll take a Mike Tyson that someone whacked with a two-by-four three times before I get to him, other than a fresh one. And same with a Puma. A lion, yeah. Yeah, I'll take one with a bullet in its neck. That's me, I like that. I like to pre-shoot my stuff before I actually get involved with it. Watch out, he's dangerous now. There's an animal, they do that all the time. Well, the team's been scored on six times. Now look out, they're dangerous, they're wounded. They're coming back.

43:18 Will Arnett No, they're losing.

43:19 Adam They're losing, that's right. Anna? Right, the guy's getting the crap beat out of him in the corner. Yes, I know he's dangerous, but not as dangerous as he was in the first round when he wasn't getting the crap beat out of him. All right, buddy, come on now. Anna?

43:31 Drew We're breaking it down this second.

43:32 Adam We're breaking it down, let's go. Let's get a hand in. Let me say this, too. Gentlemen, I'll use that term loosely. Your helmet, not a chair. Grab a knee, let's go, break it down. Anna?

43:43 Caller Hello?

43:44 Adam 24, what's up?

43:47 Caller My husband recently told me that he thinks he's gender dysphoric. And when early in our relationship, he told me very matter of factly that when he was young, he was raped. And I was, it just got in the back of my mind, but I wonder if they're related, you know?

44:06 Drew Yes, Anna, yes. We'll put a yes on that.

44:08 Adam I pray they're related, otherwise we're all capable of being gender dysphoric. And by the way, Drew, you know, we talk about you keeping the cyanide capsule in your left cheek so that if you walk in on your daughter three years from now and she's 69 with a gardener, you just chomp down on it. I mean, there's no explanation. It's just chomping, and you're dead before you hit the floor. You're actually standing for a couple of beats, dead, and then you just fall over. Hopefully she stops at that point.

44:37 Will Arnett That's an awful scene.

44:39 Adam But I'm just saying, you keep that, you should do, as a wife, you should keep the cyanide capsule in there. For the gender dysphoric discussion.

44:48 Will Arnett Is that what I think it is, gender dysphoric?

44:50 Drew Transgender feelings.

44:52 Adam He wants to be a lady, right?

44:55 Drew I love all the new euphemisms we have for it, but gender dysphoria is about the closest to what he's describing. It's an interesting way of putting it.

45:02 Adam All right, so he would like to be a lady.

45:07 Caller And you know, I love him very much, and I would love him if he were a woman, but I don't want him to even do something permanent in his body if this is not really what he needs.

45:16 Drew Well, it's interesting. What's the reason everyone's head starts spinning around when Anna says, I'll love him as a woman. Most males that become women in these transgender operations become women to maintain relationships with lesbian women. You have to diagram that, I know Will. It's like you have to wrap it out. Most male to female transgenders do not have sex with men.

45:39 Will Arnett They want to continue having sex with women.

45:41 Drew But they specifically want lesbian women.

45:43 Caller Well, I am not a lesbian and that's kind of a big thing in our relationship is that he, because he was with a woman once before and she was a lesbian and like I'm, you know, I don't have a problem with it, but I'm very not into girls and I don't ever, you know, like I don't believe in-

46:00 Drew It's not, no, no, no, it's not the being, no, no, it's not you being with girls that he needs. He needs whatever internally goes on in a lesbian's emotional system to fit with his emotional system. Let's put it that way.

46:12 Adam Well, do you, you guys have kids?

46:15 Caller We have a baby.

46:15 Drew Please say no.

46:16 Caller Oh.

46:18 Adam Do you have one of those water balloon launchers you could use to launch the kid toward the nicest neighbor just to give it a chance, just a chance? Maybe it'll land, maybe it'll land on something soft and someone will take it in or, I mean, just to give them a chance, you know, we're looking for a chance here. If this kid, if this guy turns into a mom, this kid is going to need.

46:38 Drew No, you can't say that. I know it seems like it should be that way, but it's not going to make the kid's chances extra clear, but there's not necessarily evidence of severe pathology in the transition.

46:50 Adam Well, no, no, no, the kid's not necessarily going to be serial killer, it's just going to screw him up.

46:54 Drew But that's already who his dad is, I mean, his dad's already.

46:57 Adam That's true too. I've seen guys make the transition from male to female, not a waffle crapper in the bunch of them.

47:07 Drew No, not one waffle crapper.

47:08 Adam Not one waffle crapper.

47:09 Will Arnett Right, no. Anywhere in the history. Let me ask, and I'm sort of picked up by a trend here that, you know, the couple of times I've been here, there's a chance that he was abused?

47:18 Drew Yeah, he was.

47:18 Adam Oh, he was, yeah.

47:19 Caller No, he was, yeah, he was, when he was like 12, some kids like beat him up and they held him down while some girls had sex with him.

47:28 Drew Some girls had sex with him?

47:31 Adam What neighborhood was that in?

47:32 Drew Adam's headin over there.

47:33 Adam I'm gonna break down there after the show.

47:38 Will Arnett You forced me down. Somebody hold me down.

47:41 Adam All right, well, all right, don't bring any chicks in, though, no! Yeah.

47:47 Drew That's such a bizarre circumstance. It means something else was going on already.

47:51 Adam Oh, yeah, yeah, that's a strange story and one I'm not sure is completely true, although true to him. I'm not sure if it actually went down that way. But here's the thing. So what do you do if this is what the guy wants? I mean, do you just get some therapy and, you know, see if you can get it to go away? Do you try to repress it? Yeah, I'm asking everyone. Here's what I think. I think going under the scalpel is a mistake.

48:20 Drew The worst idea.

48:21 Adam I really do.

48:22 Drew I do, too.

48:22 Adam And one you'll never recover from. I think you need to have some therapy for these feelings. I don't think they're ever necessarily gonna go away. I think you have to manage them.

48:32 Drew Yeah, it's hard to know what to do with these things. I know I have a couple of therapists in mind that probably could help with this in terms of, it's like trying to, your need for the big breast could diminish but not go away.

48:44 Adam Well, I could go down to maybe a C, CD cup.

48:47 Drew And even then, I could be driven for it. But not, you know.

48:50 Adam Yeah, no, but here's the thing. We're not gonna be able to talk him out of what he feels inside, screwed up or not. What he needs is therapy to manage the feelings.

49:00 Drew Do you remember we had that female to male transgender?

49:02 Adam Oh, what a delight.

49:03 Drew Yeah, in here.

49:04 Adam What an a-hole.

49:05 Will Arnett Really?

49:06 Adam What a delightful a-hole.

49:07 Drew Yeah, nothing wrong with her, nothing wrong with her.

49:09 Adam Or it, or whatever it was, he, they got the procedure done and I've never seen someone who's more angry, really, than that little pain in the ass who came in here.

49:18 Drew Right. So then everyone says, well, you'd be angry, too, if everyone called you a girl, you're all like, no, no, no, no.

49:23 Adam You're angry before, you're angry after. Yeah, and it's as, I think people that switch genders feel about as good about it as the guys that confront the person that molested them 20 years later. It's always unsatisfying. You think it's the holy grail. Well, as soon as I do this, everything's gonna snap into focus, everything's gonna work out, I'm gonna hit every streetlight. Not really. You're just screwed up, now you're missing the penis. All right, get some therapy. On behalf of your young child, we'll take a quick break. Will Arnett here from Arrested Development. We'll be right back after this.

49:56 Here it is.

49:56 Adam Bottom line, it sucks being single today.

49:59 Tons of lame people and no decent prospects.

50:04 1-877-889-DATE.

50:09 Loveline will be right back, so get your problems ready. This hour brought to you in part by Axe.

50:17 Will Arnett Experience the Axe Effect.

50:54 Adam can Hey, everybody, Loveline, I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LLVE-191, Will Arnett here tonight from Arrested Development, 830 Fox, Sunday night, five Emmys, which I would display in the show, by the way.

51:09 Will Arnett We actually, there was a, we have a set, which is an office set, and there was a thing that was on the shelf that looked like an Emmy, and the producers came down one day and they said, we gotta get this rid of this, it looks like we've got an Emmy on the set. That's good.

51:22 Adam I would, I would. Explain it to your writers that they should show it. They should be there.

51:26 Drew You should make an appearance. You should walk through once in a while. Yeah, some McCarrion one.

51:29 Adam Drew saw, what'd you see, Drew? Oh, National Treasure. Yeah, this weekend.

51:35 Drew Female lead in that. Real waffle crapper.

51:37 Adam Yeah, hot, hot. She was just a push in pencils over at the Pentagon until Cage dragged her out of that crappy desk job.

51:48 Drew No, she was, drove Alexis and she was the curator of the Derklar-ish.

51:53 Adam I love it when they pretend like smart hot chicks can do things. It's awesome. It sends a dangerous message, really, to the hot chicks who can't do things, which is just about all of them, except for that Amy Poehler. She is smoking and does things. But, yeah, you know, it's funny you go, wow, you never see a hot chick like that as a curator at a museum, cause hot chicks are normally, well, they're actresses. They're actresses. I read their models. Who play curators in museums opposite. Yeah, that's right. That's what she is doing. You want the ultimate argument? This is what she's doing. She's doing what you think she should be doing, which is she's an actress slash model, or as I call it, mattress. So, Drew saw the movie. It does look like a flaming turd, but you almost have to see it anyway. Don't you? Or don't you?

52:38 Drew You know, my kids would like it a lot.

52:39 Adam Your kids would like it.

52:40 Drew The boys would like it. It's a little Indiana Jones-ish.

52:43 Adam It didn't get that sort of homoerotic stuff like The Rock and Broken Arrow.

52:48 Drew No, no, no. Nor did I feel to myself, God, life is too short, which I feel in most movies I watch these days.

52:53 Adam So this stuff was exploding in this incident.

52:55 Drew It was kind of an interesting history here and there. It's a lot of Washington, DC pictures.

53:00 Adam All right, you ready to rate a rock, Andrew? Let's talk to Lola, 23. What's happening?

53:09 Drew Ooh, depressed.

53:10 Caller Okay, so I have this guy that I'm dating for a month and a half now. And I've quite frankly gone down on him, I guess, more than my share of times, just because I enjoy it. And I'm a very erotic person. So I like to play a lot of screw-ups.

53:30 Drew Again, as soon as somebody announces I am, whatever, I immediately think, oh.

53:34 Adam We'll decide whether erotic or not.

53:35 Drew Uh-oh.

53:36 Adam Let me ask you a quick question, because this happens all the time on the show. Does she know the song Lola? And does she know the band that sung Lola? I say she knows the song Lola, it doesn't know the band.

53:48 Drew I say she knows the band, doesn't know the song.

53:50 Adam Oh, really?

53:51 Drew Touche.

53:51 Adam Well.

53:52 Drew No, she, you're right.

53:53 Will Arnett I think Adam's right.

53:54 Drew You're right, Adam. Wait a minute, we're with you?

53:56 Will Arnett Oh, wait, Drew, you were.

53:57 Adam Lola? You know the song Lola?

54:00 Caller No, the song, not the band.

54:04 Adam And Drew's the smart one.

54:06 Caller I'm sorry for not knowing that, but that's the way it is.

54:09 Adam You don't know the band that sings the song of your name? That's probably inspired your dad to name you that, right? Okay, but you don't know the band? Who is that?

54:25 Caller What is it?

54:27 Adam It's the Kinks. All right. I'm always amazed at people that don't know, a lot of the time they don't know the song that is their name, but most times don't know the band either. All right, so go find that. So you're an erotic person.

54:42 Caller Yeah, I'm a very erotic person. And so I like floor play. I want him to go down on me, but he won't do it. And I've said to him before, I say, you know, why aren't you going down on me? Basically after I give him head for like 30 minutes, and giving head is a lot harder than receiving it for a girl.

55:04 Adam Giving first off, I beg to differ.

55:07 Drew Giving for 30 minutes.

55:08 Adam You've done as much of both as I have.

55:10 Drew Yes, giving and receiving.

55:13 Adam No, I mean.

55:14 Drew Receiving?

55:15 Adam You know what I'm saying. No, you don't know what I'm saying. She said it's tougher on a girl than it is on a guy. You got it now?

55:22 Caller Corolla, you equated it once with sucking on a finger or licking an open wound.

55:27 Adam Yeah, which one? Which one do you do? Which one do you do? You really, do you, a bomb pop?

55:33 Drew Well, now that you mention it, the finger ain't sounding too good to me.

55:37 Adam I know, but I'm just saying, on the sort of cosmic, hassle scale, forget gender, forget about sexual proclivity or societal, whatever, just think, what would you, show both of them. Which one, which one you dealing with? Well, what, really, one of them is like an abalone and the other looks like a churro. Where are you going? Do you know what I mean? Bare your face in an abalone shell? Yeah, give me the churro. It just seems like a less commit, less of a commitment. That's all. Look, I'm not gay, I'm just saying.

56:16 Drew Just saying. If I'm from another. Yeah, but still.

56:19 Adam I'm saying if I go to another planet and they present me with the, a series of these two things, I'm going, I'm going the churro.

56:25 Drew The option, yeah.

56:26 Adam That's me, I go churro.

56:28 Drew All right. But here's the deal, but the 30 minutes of her giving oral sex, does that mean she's doing it well?

56:35 Caller Well, you know what I mean?

56:36 Drew 30 minutes, you know what I mean? Hold on now.

56:40 Adam Stop saying you're erotic and how good you are.

56:43 Drew Does that imply maybe not so good? Is 30 minutes, if somebody says three minutes. Whoa, hey.

56:49 Adam Right. Right.

56:50 Drew It's like, here, do what she's doing.

56:51 Adam Okay.

56:52 Drew 30 minutes, like, whoa, wait a minute.

56:54 Will Arnett Mm-hmm. Maybe he's watching TV.

56:56 Adam Yeah.

56:56 Drew We're not into it, or she's not doing it right, or whatever.

57:00 Adam Right.

57:00 Will Arnett You know what I also love? I love this thing, this is going across the country too. I'm the kind of person who, I love that. Are you?

57:08 Drew I am blank, fill the blank.

57:09 Will Arnett Really?

57:11 Adam You're the kind of person, and when I hear a woman say she's erotic, I picture big cans, big ass, and a bustier. There's like something, is that you, Lola?

57:23 Caller Well, actually, I am dark-skinned, and I do have a really nice hourglass shape because I am Hispanic. And like European, I'm a mixture between the two. So, I have green eyes and dark skin, kind of thing.

57:40 Adam Hourglass or stopwatch, you know what I mean? I hear hourglass, I picture a kitchen clock. School clock? Okay, just right on, all right. So, Lola? Sorry, babe, how much you weigh? How much you weigh? How tall are you? Oh, that's fine. Yeah. All right, so this guy, maybe he doesn't enjoy oral sex that much.

58:10 Drew Be either way, getting or receiving. Because, again, the 30 minutes, Lola, 30 minutes should be a tip-off to you if something's not going right.

58:16 Adam Does he have, is he like Jehovah's Witness or something? Is he have something that's gonna get in the way of him enjoying this or giving it?

58:25 Caller Well, I think that he's intimidated by my nature because I think that I'm very forceful with it. I'm very kind of overpowering. I enjoy it so much and he knows that I like to masturbate and I like to orgasm, so I think, I don't know.

58:40 Adam You sound like an erotic woman.

58:42 Drew No, what's she callin?

58:44 Adam Very erotic?

58:45 Drew Mm-hmm.

58:45 Caller Mm-hmm.

58:48 Caller And I'm a Scorpio and maybe I'm a...

58:53 Adam Yeah, and if he's anything but a Libra, it's not gonna work.

58:56 Drew We're getting into sexual compulsion here a little bit.

58:58 Adam Is he Libra or where's his moon?

59:01 Caller He's a Capricorn.

59:02 Adam Capricorn, I know.

59:03 Caller That didn't work.

59:05 Adam I know. No, that's an erotic.

59:06 Will Arnett What's his rising?

59:07 Adam Yeah, what's rising?

59:09 Will Arnett Obviously nothing in 30 minutes.

59:12 Adam All right, we gotta ask, you ever get molested or diddled or fiddled with?

59:16 Will Arnett No.

59:17 Adam No, just super, super erotic, super charged. All right, but here's the thing. You sound sort of spacey and out of it with the crazy astrological crap and everything. Maybe this guy, maybe you guys just aren't a good fit.

59:30 Drew Yeah, maybe the relationship isn't going that well.

59:31 Adam Yeah. Well, I mean, here's the-

59:35 Caller Like our sex is amazing.

59:37 Adam Oh, it is?

59:38 Caller Oh my God, no, the sex itself is amazing. Like once we get to it, it's just-

59:43 Adam Why don't you just get to it then?

59:45 Drew Yeah, why don't you, he doesn't like the oral sex, obviously, if we leave that out.

59:48 Adam Just go have the amazing sex.

59:50 Caller But oral sex is so exciting, like I love being-

59:53 Drew Well, then what are you complaining about?

59:57 Adam He won't do it on her, because Capricorns don't go down on chicks.

1:00:01 Drew Scorpios. Scorpios, yeah, because it's the crab.

1:00:04 Adam Oh, I mean, what is it, Scorpio? Oh, the cancer's the crab, the Scorpio said-

1:00:09 Drew Scorpion.

1:00:10 Adam Scorpion, yeah.

1:00:11 Drew Strangely enough.

1:00:12 Adam Yeah, is Scorpion way down on my list of things that go down on, like I'd rather go down-

1:00:17 Will Arnett You know what it is I figured out, maybe, Drew, tell me if I'm right. All right, when she goes down on him, he feels like she's just putting money in the bank for him to go down on her, so he can't stop thinking about it and that's why it's 30 minutes.

1:00:31 Adam Yeah, she's intimidating and she's a handful and he's freaked out. Lola. Just, here's the thing, if you want him to give you oral sex, you must ask him and if he says no, you can consider that grounds to break up. You really can.

1:00:47 Drew Or realize you were in the driver's seat and go, well, that's cool, no sex then.

1:00:52 Adam Yeah.

1:00:52 Drew No sex, I need this in order for me to feel good about this relationship and I don't want to have sex if I'm not getting my needs met.

1:00:59 Adam She is one of those chicks that freaks you out too.

1:01:01 Drew It sounds a little bipolar.

1:01:03 Adam She's a little nutty, she's talking about astrology, some of the sexuals she is. She's bipolar. Freaks you out. She bipolar? Are you bipolar? Okay, what do you do? What do you got, junior college?

1:01:17 Caller Well, I'm a graduating senior.

1:01:20 Adam From where?

1:01:21 Caller I'm not saying.

1:01:24 Adam All right, if it was Harvard, she'd say. All right, and then you're gonna go to work?

1:01:29 Caller Yeah, actually. I'm gonna work in advertising, so.

1:01:35 Adam She's one of these, she's one of these chicks that is a female female impersonator. Probably just shows up with a ton of hair and a ton of eyelashes and shaking her can all the time and smelling. What is it with those women that wear tons of perfume and they just smell waxy and sort of overpowering and they got the hair and it's like, it sort of seems like you're gonna bang out like a mannequin that's been dipped in something that's like a lifelike flesh or something. Like, what is that?

1:02:03 Drew Could be a lot of different things.

1:02:04 Adam Big unicorns on the nails and everything.

1:02:06 Drew It is a sign, it means something.

1:02:08 Adam Yeah, all right.

1:02:10 Drew It's a, sometimes bipolar people do that, sometimes Boralines do that, sometimes. Dustin?

1:02:16 Adam Dustin.

1:02:17 Drew Sleeping?

1:02:18 Adam Spent on hold for 75 minutes. He's calling from Portland. Dustin? I think he had a bogus question anyway. Wants to use chocolate syrup while giving girlfriend oral.

1:02:28 Drew He's 17. We would have been able to tell by his voice whether that was even in the realm of possibility.

1:02:33 Adam Yeah, cause it'd be like, Dustin, yeah. Beat off again for me, when you end up being with a woman.

1:02:43 Drew This assigned us that we need to play a little ranchero countdown.

1:02:45 Adam Oh, interesting. Yeah, this is a game, Will, that we predict and many other experts in Listen and Show predict will be bigger than Germany or Florida.

1:02:55 Drew Or herpes are gay.

1:02:57 Adam Or could even be bigger than herpes are gay. I live out here in Southern California. I've always done a lot of construction work. I've always had to listen to ranchero music because if you're on a construction site, that's what they tune in to. Also, by the way, and one of the more frustrating aspects of life is radios, if you live up in the hills, you cannot tune in any station except for ranchero stations. It is ridiculous. No AM or FM.

1:03:26 Drew Really?

1:03:27 Adam Oh, try to get KALIS-X up in the hill. That doesn't work. Try to get KROC up in the hill. It doesn't work at all.

1:03:33 Drew That's just because the only AMs would get in.

1:03:35 Adam Everything's a disaster. And at night, it's even worse because they lower their signal or whatever the hell they do. Point is, is the Ranchero crap comes through, clears a belt because it's being pumped out from south of the border, and they actually use more megahertz or whatever the hell it is.

1:03:51 Drew What are we allowed to do here?

1:03:52 Adam It's illegal to do it here. Because here you can't have, and I'm speaking as a lay person who heard this explanation, but it makes perfect sense. You cannot pump out more than the station you're competing with. It's not fair. But if you're at south of the border, it's shocking that the lawlessness in their society actually extends in the radio world as well. And they just pump through whatever they got to pump through. A lot of people put their transmitters over there, too, to get around this. Anyway, Ranchero, Everybody's 91X down south. Loud and clear. So anyone who's worked in the construction field out here or just lives out here.

1:04:27 Will Arnett Ranchero is just a brand of...

1:04:28 Adam It's a brand. Is it particularly annoying, a brand of Latin music?

1:04:32 Drew Well, you're from the east, so you may not really have appreciated the full flavor of this music.

1:04:36 Adam It's accordion-driven, but it's the kind of music...

1:04:38 Will Arnett I've always been interested in that, why there's so much... What's the accordion? It actually sounds kind of like European music.

1:04:44 Drew Well, we discovered through looking into this a little bit that this grew out of German beer manufactories is getting set up in Mazatlan and setting up beer gardens and then blending the Oompa music with the...

1:04:56 Adam Yes. Mariachi.

1:04:57 Drew Mariachi and yet Ranchero.

1:05:03 Adam Once again, we have the Germans to blame. I've had an ass full of this music and people do this thing where they're like, well, look, it's racist. No, no, no. This music sucks. This is horrible music. To pretend it doesn't suck is being racist, really, because I'm lying and taking down these people.

1:05:21 Drew Certain kinds of punk music too, though, right?

1:05:23 Adam Yeah, everyone makes music that sucks.

1:05:27 Drew That people like.

1:05:28 Adam And people like.

1:05:29 Will Arnett The new punk music, which they call punk, that sucks. Let's be honest.

1:05:33 Adam You gotta be 10 kinds of drunk to enjoy this music. All right, so the point is, we play a random ranchero song, and we decide, we try to guess, how long before the accordion kicks in. It's not at the beginning. We'll start in the middle of a random song that we haven't heard before. Chris, don't do it.

1:05:53 Don't do anything yet.

1:05:56 Caller Are we ready?

1:05:57 Drew No, that was Anderson. Is he gonna do this, or are you gonna do this? I don't know, Anderson?

1:06:03 Adam So you're gonna do it, Chris. So you're ready to go. Don't do anything yet. Drew, why don't you get started?

1:06:09 Drew Instant.

1:06:10 Adam Instant.

1:06:10 Drew There will be accordion.

1:06:12 Adam Instant.

1:06:12 Drew Yes.

1:06:13 Adam It's going instantaneously. Will?

1:06:17 Will Arnett I'm gonna give it three seconds.

1:06:19 Adam Three seconds, smart money. I'm just gonna go a little high. I'm not gonna be a post and go four. I've had luck with seven in the past. Seven, by the way, in Ranchero accordion playing in the lifetime, the seven is a lifetime right away.

1:06:37 Drew And by the way, I think we have a record for the accordion countdown of about eight seconds.

1:06:41 Adam Yeah.

1:06:42 Drew Except for one song that didn't have it for some reason. It was a sort of imposter.

1:06:47 Adam Something happened, yeah. All right, so I will cue you. Let me clear up the side. Two, one, go. Well, it was one second. It's awful. Please, how dare you, how dare you?

1:07:07 Drew But you know, doesn't the smack of New England in the winter, don't you see the leaves changing and the frost in the trees?

1:07:14 Adam Who was the dumb actress we had in here where we were saying that and she kept going, I picture a beach and a margarita. And Drew's going, no, no, no, I picture New England, I picture the leaves changing, I picture bonfire and a pepper alley. She's like, I don't know, I see myself being on the beach in like a sarong.

1:07:37 Will Arnett I see like a covered bridge in Burlington, Vermont.

1:07:40 Yeah, water wheel.

1:07:42 Will Arnett Yeah, water wheel.

1:07:43 Adam Water wheel, yeah.

1:07:44 Will Arnett Come, come to Vermont.

1:07:46 Adam Smoke coming from the chimney of a cabin. Yeah, that's right. Maybe a guy giving you directions who looks like the guy from the Petridge Farm. You know, he's got the potty cap, he's got a five, this is what's playing in the background. Uh-oh. Oh, no.

1:08:04 Will Arnett That was a happy accident. That was not originally in the song. And he did that in the studio. What a day that was.

1:08:11 Adam That's called serendipity. That's it. And thank God they're rolling on it because they capture that kind of magic. It never happens where a guy just goes, ah! So there you go. That's me play Ace's Ranchero accordion countdown. Drew won that one. One second, wow. Could have been a 1.2, 1.3, but let's not quibble. I just 0.8.

1:08:32 Drew 0.8.

1:08:32 Adam The point is, is Drew won hands down and I couldn't have been further off. I mean, it was like, again, a lifetime at five, six seconds away. It is funny once in a while, when you don't hear the accordion for six seconds and you're like, what's wrong, what's going on? Six, it's literally six seconds and you want to, you're worried. What's going on? Yeah. All right, delightful music. Let's, oh, we got a question for Will. Uh-oh. Will, I mean, Andrew.

1:09:01 Caller Oh, hey.

1:09:02 Adam We have a question for Will.

1:09:03 Caller Yeah, I also got a question about my crazy girlfriend. Uh-oh. But you want Will's question first?

1:09:08 Adam Sure.

1:09:09 Caller All right, so I'm a huge fan of Arrested Development.

1:09:12 Will Arnett Favorite show? That's a good start.

1:09:14 Caller Yeah, oh yeah, my TV's broken. I've been able to watch the new season. But, so I was...

1:09:20 Will Arnett Is this gonna end up with me sending you a TV?

1:09:24 Adam What, when your family's TV is broken or your personal TV is broken?

1:09:28 Caller My family's crazy, they don't let me use TV. Okay.

1:09:31 Adam Okay, we'll ask you that in your room. All right, so go ahead.

1:09:34 Caller Well, so I'm an aspiring actor and I wanted to know how do you get started doing such quality stuff like that, you know?

1:09:43 Will Arnett It just happened over one 15-year night.

1:09:47 Drew Yeah, you don't get started doing quality stuff like that.

1:09:49 Will Arnett Yeah.

1:09:49 Caller You end up doing quality stuff like that.

1:09:54 Will Arnett Well, I started by just moving to New York and I didn't know anybody.

1:09:58 Drew Where'd you move from?

1:09:59 Will Arnett From Toronto. I'm a closet Canadian.

1:10:03 Mm-hmm.

1:10:07 Will Arnett Toronto's a nice town. A lot of people say it's like a clean New York.

1:10:10 Mm-hmm.

1:10:11 Will Arnett And I would say I prefer to think of it as a dirty Winnipeg.

1:10:14 Drew Except for that Chinatown area.

1:10:16 Adam All right, let him talk.

1:10:17 Will Arnett So, so, you know, Andrew? Yeah? I would say, I would say, you know, find somewhere wherever it is that you live. Find somewhere that you can, you know, start studying, taking classes, acting classes. Find out if you have any sort of discernible talent.

1:10:36 Adam And if you don't have talent, now please quit.

1:10:39 Will Arnett Stop wasting everyone's time. It's a lifetime, it can be a lifetime of heartache. It's a tough road. Not saying that I'm doing anything different than a million people that I know. But it takes a lot of work and it takes a certain amount of luck and perseverance. But, you know, you just go and you start studying and you start, you know, scene study.

1:11:00 Caller People say I'm pretty good, but, you know, they might not know nothing, you know.

1:11:05 Will Arnett Yeah, well, and by the way, don't listen to anything your friends say in your current situation.

1:11:10 Drew And by the way, don't stop your education.

1:11:13 Adam What are you doing where people say you're good? Are you doing plays or something?

1:11:19 Caller And I'm going to a college play now. I'm a senior and I'm working my way up to the big time at a college play.

1:11:25 Will Arnett That's good, man.

1:11:25 Adam You're doing that. Oh, you are?

1:11:28 Caller Yeah.

1:11:28 Will Arnett That's great. That's great. And don't let anybody, yeah, again, you know, there'll be a lot of people who say don't bother doing it and you can tell them to all, you know, F off.

1:11:38 Adam You got a song from Hair you'd like to do for us, Andrew?

1:11:42 Caller No.

1:11:45 Adam Little cow cells. Andrew and Chris, you know they play Hair? Sure. No, I never heard of it.

1:11:52 Drew You never heard of it?

1:11:53 Adam Yeah.

1:11:54 Drew You've heard of Godspell? I was in Godspell in college.

1:12:00 Adam You were?

1:12:00 Drew It's a little known fact.

1:12:01 Adam Do a little thing, a little something from there. I can't, no. When is it?

1:12:07 Drew Oh, bless the Lord.

1:12:09 Adam All right, that's enough. Let's, again, we get this question for bands and comedians and actors and everyone who's making a living doing what they want to do. And, you know, it's weird. It's real sort of straightforward. You know where the cleanest example of this is, is probably in motor sports and racing. It's like, what do you do? Well, you start in go-karts. And you go down there and you enter the freebie, whatevers, and you do it when you're nine years old. And then you work your way up and open wheels and then sprint cars. And you just keep, that's what it is. Just go do it. There's never good, never good reason. But the thing is, is don't sit home and plan so much. Just go do it. Do it, play.

1:12:50 Will Arnett The other thing is, the other thing is too, is I think you got to be honest with yourself. You got to be really honest with yourself. You know, there's a, there's this, you know, this we keep going over. This seems to be the thing about, what are the trends in the society? And there's this trend right now of everybody wants to be famous. Everybody wants to be a celebrity because they see things like American Idol, whatever, and these people become superstars in six weeks. And they think, I'm going to go out there and I'm going to be famous, and I'm going to live that life. I want to have that, you know, Ferrari, and I want to live in that house that Fichon comes up, and it's like, you know what?

1:13:22 Adam Waffle crappers left and right.

1:13:23 Will Arnett Right, and I want to have waffle crappers on my, and you know what? You can't have it yet. Now, maybe you can eventually. I don't know. I don't know if you're any good.

1:13:32 Drew I would think the greatest thing, to be honest with oneself about, is whether you actually enjoy doing this stuff.

1:13:37 Will Arnett Right, and why you're doing it.

1:13:38 Drew Well, not really why, but just you enjoy it. If you enjoy it, you'll keep doing it. If you're successful, great. If you're not, you'll still enjoy it.

1:13:44 Will Arnett Right, if you're actually interested, if you say, I want to be an actor because I want to explore, I want to do this character, I want to do that, or I'm funny, and I want to make people laugh more during that, or do I want to do it because I want to live in Beverly Hills? And you've got to be honest with yourself about that. And if you want to do it because you live in Beverly Hills, then go apply for a reality show.

1:14:00 Drew Or start a business.

1:14:03 Will Arnett Or start a business.

1:14:03 Drew You're more likely to end up in Beverly Hills that way.

1:14:05 Will Arnett Much more likely. You'll be very, very unhappy, and you're going to get your butt handed to you every day.

1:14:13 Adam Here's the thing, too, that I don't think people realize. This is all sound advice, by the way, and I agree with all of it. The other thing that is never really touched on is you're not going to be who you are 10 years from now, especially in in your trade. I mean, Drew, you weren't always a doctor. You know, you weren't a doctor at 15. Your dad would kill you and then kill himself. You didn't eventually become one. And so, of course, he forced you to do that, and now you really don't know. You have to question yourself, and then that's for later. But the point is, Will Arnett was not Will Arnett when Will Arnett was 19. He had the makings of being a Will Arnett, but he was, I'm sure not the talent that he is now because of all the work he did up into it, just like you went to med school.

1:14:58 Drew And also, who you are doing it as an older adult is a different experience than as a young person.

1:15:03 Will Arnett Much, much different. And I'm very fortunate that I'm in my 30s doing it.

1:15:08 Drew But let me talk to a 17-year-old who's full of hormones.

1:15:13 Adam You're not going to be much good at anything at 17, but keep doing it. That's the thing. But if you suck it out, please, stop wasting your words on it.

1:15:20 Will Arnett Yeah, if you enjoy it, do it.

1:15:21 Adam All right. We're going to take ourselves a little break. Drew is going to sing the entire course of God's smell and hair to engineer Chris. I don't know why. I don't mean to pick on engineer Chris. It's just once in a while something pops into my head and I realize, Chris doesn't know that. Then I have to bring it up. And it sounds like I'm picking on you. But I'm just curious. I'm curious because I'm trying to gauge. I'm trying to gauge our listeners because I look at you as one of our listeners.

1:15:47 Drew It's good to have a barometer in the room with us.

1:15:50 Adam Right.

1:15:50 Drew So we should shut up about things in the seven. We should not even bring them up.

1:15:53 Adam That's right. Hold on, Chris. You know what a barometer is? Take a quick break. Will Arnett. Here, say yardstick. Do you know how long a yardstick is? Two feet? Quick break. For the yard. No, no. Come on, Drew. I don't want to pick on Chris. He's a good man. Can I get a little warm up on the coffee? Sure. Where's Michelle? Will Arnett here from Arrested Development. We'll take a quick break. Be right back after this.

1:16:20 Caller Hello, this is your radio.

1:16:26 Loveline is brought to you by Playboy. The December issue of Playboy on Newsstands Now is loaded with the College Hoops preview and the annual music poll. You might not even notice the Denise Richards pictorial.

1:17:00 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline, I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1, Will Arnett, a guy decided I liked the last time he was here, and the love affair continues. It's too bad, it's impossible for us to see each other outside this studio.

1:17:16 Drew How many times have you been on this show?

1:17:17 Will Arnett This is my third time.

1:17:18 Drew That's what I said.

1:17:19 Adam Three times.

1:17:20 Will Arnett Three times.

1:17:21 Drew And you guys told me I was crazy, it had only been once.

1:17:23 Adam Well.

1:17:23 Will Arnett Once I was with Jason.

1:17:25 Drew And once by yourself.

1:17:26 Will Arnett And he's a Mike Hogg.

1:17:28 Drew So that's what I was screwing up, is he was by himself though last time.

1:17:30 Adam Yeah, you were saying that Jason.

1:17:31 Drew That Jason was with you last time.

1:17:33 Adam Right. Jason, good guy, like to use him to get to his sister, but don't feel the same connection.

1:17:42 Drew But Jason, you have seen, hung out with on the outside.

1:17:44 Adam I have?

1:17:46 Drew Well, you will have.

1:17:47 Adam I will?

1:17:47 Drew Maybe.

1:17:49 Adam No.

1:17:49 Will Arnett No.

1:17:50 Adam No. It's not gonna happen with anybody in the cast.

1:17:54 Will Arnett Or the Bateman family.

1:17:55 Adam Or the Bateman family. Is there another sister, another brother?

1:17:58 Will Arnett No, that's it.

1:17:59 Drew Let's go down to their set, just so we can hang out.

1:18:01 Adam Drew, you...

1:18:02 Will Arnett You guys should come by. You guys should come by.

1:18:04 Adam Where do you guys...

1:18:04 Drew Did they get you a role in the show that way?

1:18:06 Adam Do you guys shoot on Fox?

1:18:07 Will Arnett We're on the Fox lot now. They finally let us on. You go on and you just take a left at the Star Wars wall.

1:18:15 Drew Next to the Simpson wall?

1:18:17 Will Arnett Yes, next to the Simpson wall. L.A.'s hilarious to me for that.

1:18:20 Adam I like the... On Fox, too, I like the old Chicago or New York on the Lakers. Yeah, yeah, that's it. Yeah, and then it's, oh man, what isn't going on on that lot? And they have these great dikey security checks that intimidate you each.

1:18:37 Drew You know, they're nice at that gate, though.

1:18:39 Adam They are nice.

1:18:39 Drew Yeah, that's the only nice security gate.

1:18:41 Will Arnett They're very nice. But you know, it's funny, at every, you know, I love this ever since 9-11. You know, they have this everywhere. The security is just ramped up. And the idea of like, you know, the studios are now, they're protecting their celebrities. You know, Al Qaeda can do whatever they want, but if they touch our celebrities, that is it.

1:19:02 Adam Well, I've, you know, people have hypothesized that, you know, something's gonna go on at the Oscars or whatever.

1:19:09 Will Arnett No, they don't care. It's such a joke, so I get so mad about it.

1:19:13 Drew I get mad that they can't, remember they canceled the Emmys that one year. My thing was, hey guys, now's the time to step up, you know, and just take, if it's risk, fine, step it up, step it up.

1:19:23 Adam Drew at home watching on TV.

1:19:25 Drew Yeah, I sat to step it up.

1:19:26 Adam Encouraging everyone to step it up. Doing his part by watching you guys step it up. Someone's gotta watch you step it up.

1:19:32 Drew My point is though, it was the time to kind of make the, Without question. As a public figure, I think it's your responsibility to make everybody feel secure and to offer them something at a time when they are feeling uncomfortable and just now's your time to step up.

1:19:44 Will Arnett Especially when your one job is to entertain, that's it. You're not out there, you know, doing something serious. I mean, let's be honest.

1:19:52 Adam Well, and here's the other thing, too. I really, I've talked about this and I'm still sticking with it, which is I believe that Al Qaeda does not want to hurt the Michael Mors and the Barber Streisand of the world. These are their, there's only allies in half of this country.

1:20:06 Caller Yeah, but they're Al Qaeda here.

1:20:09 Adam Well, Al Qaeda, and of course they would say that was very unfair, but here's what I'm saying. You don't have friends in Michael Moore and Barber Streisand. You have sympathetic ears who are going to do, are going to try very hard not to get the people they're going to send the cruise missiles over to you, elected.

1:20:25 Caller Right.

1:20:25 Adam That's about it.

1:20:26 Caller Yes.

1:20:26 Adam And you have, with this segment, and this is, by the way, there's one segment of society that is somewhat sympathetic to your cause. Now, they would never agree with, you know, blowing up the Twin Towers or anything, but like it or not, whatever they say, their actions are sort of sympathetic to the cause. They put much more focus on this country and what it's doing wrong than what you're doing wrong. That segment is, everyone is in the crowd at the Oscars and the Emmys, and you F with that segment. That's your last, that's now, now it's game on.

1:20:59 Will Arnett And it's also just hilarious that the entertainment industry, if it is true that they actually believe that they're threatened, that they think that they're even a blip on the radar screen is hilarious to me.

1:21:11 Drew It's grandiose.

1:21:11 Will Arnett Get over yourself.

1:21:12 Adam Yes, there you go.

1:21:13 Will Arnett I'm talking myself, by the way. I'm looking in the mirror right now.

1:21:17 Adam All right, let's talk to Marie, who's 26. Marie? Hey, what's happening?

1:21:26 Drew Oh, Marie, here we go. Let's break it down.

1:21:30 Adam We can catch you in a reflective mood. Can you speak or is it a bad time?

1:21:35 Caller No, I just had to change room.

1:21:37 Adam Okay, what's up?

1:21:40 Caller Okay, so, about a year ago, I broke up with a boyfriend.

1:21:47 Drew I'm just curious. Hang on a second, I can't.

1:21:50 Adam Smoking hot.

1:21:51 Drew I can't let it go, Waffle Crapper?

1:21:52 Adam Yeah.

1:21:53 Drew I can't let it go quite as easily. Why did you have to change rooms like that? What were you moving away from?

1:21:59 Caller Well, I was in where the TV was and I've got a roommate and I don't want to wake her up while I'm talking.

1:22:05 Drew Okay, all right, just had to fill out the scene.

1:22:07 Adam What's happening, are you good looking? Yeah, I'm good looking, always can tell.

1:22:13 Caller Tall, blonde, and broke up with this guy about a year ago, dated some guys afterwards. And yet, it's still hard to get him out of my brain. And I never even liked him as a person and I'm really ashamed. I wanted to like him as a person because he was so stinking, good-looking.

1:22:38 Drew So he fulfilled some image of what you needed, but as a person, he wasn't what you needed. Well, it's all right.

1:22:48 Adam And so you broke up with him, but any specific reason other than not being a great guy? Did he cheat on you?

1:22:58 Drew Tell us more what you mean that he wasn't the right kind of guy.

1:23:03 Caller He was a good guy.

1:23:11 Adam Right. Someone's going to have to figure out how to back the car out the driveway. The two of you are just staring at him all evening long. Are you in college now?

1:23:20 Drew Are you finished college? What are you doing now? You need him to be more ambitious, or what is it you need from him?

1:23:30 Caller We just didn't connect. It was not a good...

1:23:33 Adam Alright, well fantastic. So you broke up with him, and now what's the problem? You just didn't... Okay, first off, you need...

1:23:38 Drew You can't find somebody who's good looking.

1:23:40 Adam You need a better guy, but then we just didn't connect, but he's not smart enough.

1:23:43 Drew This is somebody who needs everything to be perfect.

1:23:47 Adam Maria?

1:23:47 Caller Are you still there?

1:23:48 Adam Yeah, so...

1:23:49 Will Arnett How old is she?

1:23:50 Adam She's 26. So what did this guy do? Work at a gym or something?

1:23:56 Caller No, he had been doing construction for a while, and yeah, he worked out at the gym a lot. The problem was that actually I had dated before, but just hadn't really gotten intimate with somebody before, and with him I did.

1:24:12 Drew You've never had a sexual relationship with anybody before?

1:24:15 Caller Right.

1:24:16 Drew Oh, well that's why you can't get over it. You need to get another boyfriend. This is how that's supposed to work. The first guy you have sex with, it takes a long...

1:24:24 Adam You need a new guy to hump the stink out of you from this guy.

1:24:28 Drew It takes quite a... And the fact that you've remained a virgin until well into your twenties means that you really... Well...

1:24:34 Adam What is up?

1:24:37 Will Arnett Religious things?

1:24:39 Adam Also...

1:24:40 Drew Will knew it.

1:24:40 Will Arnett I knew it because he said freak and it's not the phrase. She wasn't saying it because of the radio. She uses that term.

1:24:44 Drew Are you a Mormon?

1:24:45 Adam Call him from... No, no. Arizona, tall, blonde, Jew. Right? But Jew, right? Jewish? Oh, no. I'll tell you. My radar is way off.

1:24:58 Will Arnett You're usually good at this, right?

1:25:00 Adam I'm really good. I'm usually good. I mean, I can tell you the guy she dated, swinging a hammer, bronze god.

1:25:05 Drew Definitely Jew.

1:25:06 Adam Definitely Jew. I mean, he was at the gym all day. You know, like I said, on the construction site, probably drove a truck. Boyfriend, this guy Jewish?

1:25:15 Caller Have you ever been to Arizona? You know what country we border?

1:25:23 Will Arnett That's also a musical. Have you ever been to Arizona?

1:25:26 Yeah. All right.

1:25:27 Drew I bet she could play a good ranchero countdown.

1:25:29 Adam Was the guy Mexican?

1:25:31 Caller Yeah, sort of. Yeah, he was Hispanic.

1:25:34 Adam All right. So, so here's the thing. Whenever I hear a woman explain that this guy didn't have X, Y, and Z qualities, it always creeps me out a little. I don't know, it always sounds like the same chick and it's, I mean, it's one thing to say you guys didn't connect, but it's another thing to say I need him to be more ambitious and he wasn't ambitious or whatever, he wasn't smart enough. It's always the same chick and it's always creepy and it's always the sort of deficiencies that you have that are looking for a guy to sort of, like, it's like, really, here's what it feels like, although they never say it. They say, I want an ambitious guy because I'm ambitious. I want a smart guy because I'm smart. But, smart people, ambitious people never announce that. It's really, I think there's a part of you that feels stupid and feels unambitious, feels lazy, like, I'm never going to get anything so I've got to get this guy, he's got a bunch of stuff. Good looking guys are just as stupid as good looking chicks are, maybe more so. Society doesn't talk about that too much, but find me a hot, hunky slab of meat, you know, besides, you know, the present cousin, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it. I'm sorry, Chris. Yeah, the four of us. And, by the way, I like when people do that. I like when people are telling you something and they go, I hate every writer who works at cable, I mean, but, you know, besides you and Eric, they start, you can tell they realize halfway into, they're about to say they hate everybody except for this one guy, except for they now have to include you with that one guy. I hate every single one of them but Eric and you, and you, and whoever it is, they're else going to tell the story to. But it's very transparent when they include that other person. All right, what was I talking about? Marie?

1:27:11 Drew How it creeps you out when a guy says that.

1:27:12 Adam All right, we're creeped out. Here's the thing. You need a new guy.

1:27:15 Drew This is not that though. This is her waiting too long to get involved this way, getting over involved with the wrong guy because she hasn't worked that stuff out of her system yet.

1:27:24 Will Arnett She's mad at him for not having, for not being somebody else.

1:27:29 Drew She needed to be somebody. But that's what a 19 year old does. And that's sort of where she is developmentally. Marie, get another guy, get a good guy, have a relationship. That's what you need. That will get this out of your system, I promise you.

1:27:40 Adam And don't break the guy down into pieces like, is he ambitious, is he good looking? Just find a guy you connect with.

1:27:47 Drew Yes, the capacity for connection is what you got to look for. You seem to know what that is, go find that.

1:27:52 Adam All right, we are going to take ourselves a little break. Not Jewish, really?

1:27:58 Drew Oh, she doesn't know.

1:27:59 Adam Let me just try something. Marie, you know, in the Jewish religion, it's your mother who is, so if your father's not Jewish, still, that's okay, but your mother was Jewish, yes? No, no. No, okay. Well, again, I'm thinking about just ending the show early, didn't I? I'm all over the map, Drew. Reel me in, by the way, when you see me go in the wrong direction that way in such a hurry. But, you know, as an entertainer, as a radio show host, all I have is my instincts, and when I feel those are going south, I might be trying to get out of the game. The other thing I like to do is this one. I stopped having fun, so it was time to quit. I like that one. I wish I would have used that when I was cleaning carpets. I'm quitting. Why not? I stopped having fun. Well, you know it's time to hang it up. Really? Athletes always use that. The nine million dollars a year you're getting to work for four months. Still, even if it wasn't a great time, don't you think you could take the nine million for the five months out of the year work? No, when you're not having fun, by the way, that's how you know. You know when it's time to hang it up.

1:29:00 Will Arnett Do you think they did that in ancient Egypt? Hey, why did you stop building the pyramid? It's not fun for me anymore.

1:29:05 Adam I'm not having fun.

1:29:06 Will Arnett Oh, really?

1:29:06 Adam Yeah. You taking mud and straw and packing it in the form of brick. Not fun? Not fun slaying in the sun? Not getting whipped all day by a guy with a metal chest plate? Not fun. Well, it's time to hang it up. I wish everybody... First off, everyone would quit their job, ironically, except for the one guy who did quit because it stopped being fun. That would be a keeper. He's just playing baseball. All right, but that's when it's time to quit. All right. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

1:29:38 Caller Loveline will be right back, so get your problems ready.

1:29:45 Adam How much money do guys spend trying to get chicks into the billion?

1:29:50 Drew Cars, everything.

1:29:51 Adam Condos, hair plugs. All they need is a max deodorant body spray and a million dollars.

1:30:13 Caller There's one, it's Loveline.

1:30:14 Adam I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, Will Arnett, in here tonight from Arrested Development. And you know, when Jason and Will came in here together and separately many years ago, well, about a year ago. I remember thinking that, wow, it's such a good show, and the critics love it, of course. It'd be great if great things could happen to the show. I wasn't holding out too much hope because it didn't seem to be set in the world on fire at the time. Now five Emmys later, Mazel Tov is our last caller's boyfriend would say. Mazel Tov, God bless. It couldn't happen to better guys, could it, Drew? Unless, you know, God forbid it'd be me or you for a change. How about that? Once, just once. Chris, what's up? What's happening? 22? Yeah.

1:31:12 Caller I just wanted to say, man, Adam, you're the coolest.

1:31:16 Adam Thanks, Stoner, what's up?

1:31:18 Caller Dr. Drew, as brilliant as he is, and PhD in everything, makes him even smarter, but the best thing he ever said was waffle. The waffle thing, dude. The waffle crapper, that was brilliant, man.

1:31:36 Drew I think I said that, right? I put it all together as waffle crapper. You said take a crap on it, man. I made it the final one.

1:31:42 Adam But I made it the hot chick.

1:31:43 Drew Yes, no, no, you came before, you set it all up.

1:31:46 Adam Well, we're gonna settle this in court when the show hits and the merchandising starts coming out, and the T-shirts and the coffee mugs.

1:31:52 Drew Waffle crappers.

1:31:53 Adam Yeah, my wife's a waffle crapper.

1:31:55 Will Arnett They might already have it in Germany, waffle crappin.

1:31:58 Adam My daughter's a waffle crapper.

1:32:00 Drew We'll have these, the Lufthansa aircraft coming by.

1:32:03 Adam Yeah, yeah. Hey, we'll do like a cross, we'll do like some sort of cross promotion with.

1:32:12 Drew Did I say Lufthansa?

1:32:13 Adam Yeah.

1:32:14 Drew Lufthuafa. Didn't they call it the Lufthuafa?

1:32:16 Adam Well, Lufthansa's the airline of the Lufthuafa. All right, where were we? So, yes, Drew, genius everybody. Where were we? We got a question for Will. Pulled prank on pals, peed into their shampoo. Was that dangerous? Tyler.

1:32:32 Caller Yeah, hey, what's going on, buddy?

1:32:33 Drew If that were dangerous, Adam and his friends would have been dead long ago.

1:32:36 Adam Long, long time ago.

1:32:37 Drew They didn't even bother with the shampoo, actually.

1:32:39 Will Arnett I did that.

1:32:40 Drew You peed into somebody's shampoo?

1:32:41 Will Arnett No, a guy peed in my bottle of Coke. Knowing that a guy was gonna ask for a sip because he had a guy. 15.

1:32:49 Caller Yeah.

1:32:50 Will Arnett I waited.

1:32:51 Caller Oh, yeah.

1:32:55 Adam Jimmy put his dork in a bottle of Snapple thinking it was mine. And then somebody else walked in the office and picked it up and started drinking it. He ever said anything? Maybe I shouldn't say it on the air, but it's public record.

1:33:12 Drew God.

1:33:13 Adam He thought it was my Snapple. Turns out it was. I'll tell you who it was off the air.

1:33:17 Drew You watched him put the penis in the Snapple?

1:33:20 Adam No, no, of course, no.

1:33:22 Drew He told you.

1:33:22 Adam No, yeah, I found out. I'm not gonna watch him put his dork in the Snapple and then drink it.

1:33:29 Drew No, I thought that's why maybe he was sort of, you know how sometimes you make something off limits by soiling it in some way.

1:33:36 Adam Well, I'll soil my own thing.

1:33:38 Drew Yeah, yeah.

1:33:39 Adam I'm not gonna have him put his dork in my Snapple to make it offless. I don't want anything to happen to this. Put your joint in there. Yeah, could you make a little, yeah, a little semen would be nice. There's a little blood in there. Fantastic, good, because I don't want anyone getting to this. I don't want to take a sip off it. I gotta wipe, we're gonna have to wipe the rim. Yeah, now that was, this is what happens. So, Tyler.

1:34:02 Caller Yeah, hey.

1:34:03 Adam Yeah, yeah, it happens. My friends used to do that at parties. They just go and they'll put a little something in the shampoo at a party.

1:34:10 Caller Yeah, I've heard you guys talk about the drinking of the urine and I thought, yeah, that's cool, but if it's bad time.

1:34:18 Adam All right, look, obviously, you can get it on your scalp.

1:34:22 Drew If you could drink it. It's sterile.

1:34:24 Adam It's not like alien acid, by the way, that burns through the deck of a ship. What about drinking it? What about someone else's urine? Better your own?

1:34:34 Drew You better your own. If you keep drinking your urine, you'll get basically uremia, which is the same thing as kidney failure. Remember these people were telling us that you could drink the urine, it was so healthy and all that garbage.

1:34:47 Will Arnett Somebody said, I heard somewhere that somebody drinks a cup of urine every day and it's good for your longevity or something.

1:34:53 Adam Yeah.

1:34:54 Will Arnett Yes, right.

1:34:55 Adam Yeah, people got a lot. There's a lot of that stuff. There's all the enema guys and the urine drinkers and the people that are like-

1:35:03 Will Arnett Raw meat.

1:35:04 Adam Get the raw food people. And then there's the people, I never really trust them, where they go like, I'm a vegetarian and I ate some lobster bisque, but I think it had some chicken broth in it, so I got really sick. It's like, you got really sick or you're sort of emotionally a mess. And by the way, is your body that temperamental? It's not, what is it, like a jag from the 50s?

1:35:29 Will Arnett No, but you know what, Adam, I'm the type of person, if I drink something, I feel it.

1:35:34 Adam And I'll tell you the kind of person I am, Will. I'm the kind of person that'll tell you the truth. And if you can't handle that-

1:35:40 Drew And I'm nice, and I'm nice too.

1:35:42 Adam Yeah, if you can't handle, I speak my mind.

1:35:45 Will Arnett I'm a good friend.

1:35:46 Adam I'm a good friend, and I'm loyal, but I will speak my mind. A lot of people can't handle that. A lot of people can't handle you being truthful or you being a colossal aggressive a-hole. Which is it? By the way, if a lot of people can't handle, fill in the blank, it's you. Yes. It's not a lot of people. Look it, it's a bunch of people who hate you. Yeah, and I, well because I wait, sometimes I wake up in the morning and I don't have energy and I realize. I didn't have it. I can always tell if I eat like a caffeine rush, I'll get a sugar rush, I'll get a red meat. What I'll do with red meat, it'll pep me up for like an hour but then I'll start dragging. I like these people who think, you don't even know, I could, you wouldn't even know what you ate if I just forced it in, you have no idea what you ate. There's a candy bar or a head of lettuce, you wouldn't even know, you idiot. All right, let's, oh good. Will hates people too, God bless him, bad Will they call him. We'll take ourselves a little break, we'll be right back after this. Well, that's the show. Will Arnett, where's the time go when Will comes in here, Drew?

1:37:22 Caller I'm sad now.

1:37:24 Adam But I gotta say, we don't have to stop the show, but I stopped having fun.

1:37:28 Drew Then we better quit.

1:37:30 Adam That's how you know when it's time to quit. Will Arnett, everyone, Arrested Development, 8.30 Sunday nights. Always a delight on Fox. We hope to see you back here real soon. Until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying, Mahalo.

1:37:41 Will Arnett America's next waffle crapper.

1:37:43 Caller This has been Loveline.

1:38:01 Caller Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Sunday, November 21, 2004