Episode 1000659978202

0:57 Voiceover Online is meant for an adult audience. Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content. Sexually-oriented content. Listener discretion is advised. Listener discretion is advised. Listener discretion is advised. With Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

1:20 Voiceover There, buddy, Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Dr. Drew, Board Certified Physician, Addiction Medicine Specialist. What's happening, compadre? Great to see you. Looking good. Looking real good this morning. Word of engineer is Michelle just run off to.

1:38 Drew Of ourselves. Are you high?

1:41 Adam Are you drunk? I'm feeling a little punchy. I'm punchy. I got my dog spayed today.

1:47 Drew Oh, that's traumatic for you. Remember what happened that last time?

1:50 Adam The last time I had my dog die.

1:54 Drew I had a dog that freaked out after she got spayed.

1:56 Adam What happened?

1:56 Drew She started just dragging her ass around everywhere. Just like tucking her ass around and driving to the IV is crazy.

2:02 Adam For how long?

2:03 Drew It was like she was trying to run away from her perineum. For about two weeks.

2:11 Adam Michelle, you got to cushion the doors below so it doesn't do that. It would be less distracting in this god-awful studio if we had old style western doors. Just higgy ones, guys would come in, spurs clinking, guys calling each other out in the street saying there's not enough room in this town for the two of us. You don't hear that line so much anymore, do you?

2:34 Drew The town is not big enough for the two of us?

2:36 Adam Yeah, they make that proclamation. I don't think they ever did that, although the towns were small back then. All right, where are we, Drew? So anyway, yeah, I don't know, my dog came home drugged. And you know when things around you are drugged, you start feeling drugged yourself? Like, you've done that with me, right? You know what I mean? Like, you see somebody around in the really high and you're like, they're feeling that, they're feeling surreal and kind of higher self. When your dog is high, it's weird.

3:02 Drew Especially when your dog comes home and then you light up a big joint.

3:05 Adam Yeah, I didn't do that. But here's what I did think about. I thought, I bet you, Drew, would say this had a, I had a problem. My wife's like, they have, we have tranquilizers for the dog that they want us to give. And I thought, wonder what's in those babies? I thought to myself. And then I thought, and I thought, and I thought, it was one of those, it was pure noise. It wasn't, it wasn't any dialogue. Wasn't it any internal dialogue? It was like doggy, doggy tranquilizers. The third one was sort of in between. And then I thought, in a pinch. Then I thought, now it's one of those, you got a problem thing. You know what I mean? It's like when you're eating out of a dumpster. It's one thing.

3:52 Drew You're stealing out of other people's medicine cabinets. You're taking your dog's medicines. Yeah.

3:57 Adam Now I'm saying it's one thing when you're in a restaurant, you're walking to your table and you grab a fry off a plate that was left.

4:05 Drew Yeah.

4:05 Adam You know, that's one thing. But it's when you're eating out of the dumpster.

4:08 Drew You got a problem.

4:08 Adam Yeah. Like when I worked at McDonald's and I had to throw away like 13 filet-o-fish, and I ran out to the dumpster and I just started shoving them in my face. Did you know that's what they do over there?

4:21 Drew Where?

4:21 Adam Well, at McDonald's.

4:22 Drew In Columbia?

4:23 Adam No, McDonald's, if somebody orders stuff and it sits around for more than an hour, you throw it out. But there's no way I was going to throw away the filet of fish and the apple pie. On the other hand, I couldn't be gone too long, so I had to pretend like I was just going in there and throwing it out. I just started keistering them. I was just shoving them. Never more, never have calories been more empty. You know what I mean?

4:45 Drew Never have we entered through as many orifices. But it's helping people aren't as aware of how, yes, I am.

4:53 Adam Great radio, by the way, Drew.

4:54 Drew Ann sent me a message here.

4:55 Adam Yes, I am. Fantastic.

4:59 Drew You can't nod. No, only into the mic I nod. If somebody asks me a question, I nod.

5:04 Adam No nodding, no thumbs up, no nothing. There's a whole series of things, by the way, they're made so you don't have to talk. You know, they use them on aircraft carriers. They use them like Marines do it. Marines do it. They do that thing where they touch their eyes and they hold the hand up. That means stop. And then they do like four guys and they do that look thing. They point the eye and then they do that. That's what you need to learn. Yeah. What?

5:28 Drew People are made out of where had deprived your child was from food. You got to set that up a little bit. Because there's one time when you went nuts in somebody's house.

5:36 Adam Not one time. Every time.

5:37 Drew I beg your pardon.

5:38 Adam But look, my mom was a health food nut. Now she's just a nut. She and let me tell you kids something too, by the way, health food is a science now that sort of works. You can go get yourself some low carb something or some low fat something. They have spread that tastes like butter. They have things that are sweetened with fruit juice and low high pectin, something or other. It's good. But 1970s health food just tastes like it took a styrofoam cooler and a raccoon on it.

6:11 Drew And then they ate it.

6:13 Adam Oh, yeah.

6:13 Drew They ate the styrofoam.

6:14 Adam They did eat it. Yeah. No, you didn't.

6:16 Drew Not the styrofoam. Oh, no.

6:18 Adam It was a cooler that was soaked in raccoon urine and that was considered a delicacy. I mean, they had nothing. They had like, my mom had like 170 grain bread where you would start sawing it and then smoke would start coming out. You'd pull the knife back and it had been melted down. All the serrated edge was smoothed out. You try to roll.

6:36 Drew Or it crumbles.

6:38 Adam Oh, oh.

6:38 Drew Peanut butter that's actually just crunched up peanuts.

6:40 Adam Oh, I'm suing. Let me tell. Look, everybody, let me explain. I don't think people even know there's such a thing as raw, you know, unroasted and unsalted salted peanut butter, unsalted, unroasted, raw peanut butter just tastes like whatever they pulled out of someone when they're doing lipo.

6:59 Drew Yes.

7:00 Adam And someone mixed a little flour with it and you try to spread it on the bread. And by the way, good luck spreading that peanut butter on the bread. You know, the crazy bread. Let me explain. Oh, the crazy bread. Yeah, just picks up pieces of it as it rolls around the night like a rolling pin. No, yeah. No, your butter knife becomes an axle. Right. And it just becomes like Fred Flinstone's tire of his car, it's a wheel of his car. You just roll. Here's how you get that stuff down, by the way. You get it down how you get Silly Putty down on the comic strip. You know, you mold it, you flatten it out, you mash it down, and then you have to ram it down your throat because it's the only way you can live.

7:34 Drew And that was the only thing you could eat if you got food at all. So when Adam would go, Michelle, when Adam would go babysitting, you babysit.

7:40 Adam I babysit my neighbor.

7:41 Drew Imagine that.

7:42 Adam And then it was game on. And let me explain something. I have I have another friend over at Kimmel who was deprived. You create an animal.

7:51 Drew Yes. You hungry animal.

7:54 Adam I am like a bear that that got into a campsite that broke into like a Winnebago. And I start going berserk in there. And I and it's like you got to make hay while the sun shines because I'm going back to a crack out. You understand? I'm going. I'm going to it's the you're going to the concentration camp in crack. They have any things in Poland over there? I'm going back to dock on crash. That's where I'm going. I got nothing.

8:24 Drew So you throw open the pantry. I'm imagining a pantry in your neighbor's house.

8:27 Adam Yes.

8:28 Drew And where he found Count Chocula.

8:30 Adam Well, I found here's why I feel like pie filling marshmallows. Well, here's the thing about chocolate sauce. Here's the thing about pie filling. There's a picture of a pie on the can. So it's like, huh, pie in a can, again, a can, again, bear. I got a can of pie. It's pie in a can. This is great. I'm just staring at it. It's a beautiful looking piece of blueberry pie. Let's, okay. Open that up. Well, what's that? Just liquid sugar and contents and purple and whatever. Dump that in a bowl. Let's thicken that up with some of those mini marshmallows and some Nestle Toll House, some bittersweet Toll House morsels, thicken that up, put a little peanut butter in there. Oh yeah. Like, like, like just like a crazed stoner. Go insane.

9:14 Drew He was creative.

9:16 Adam I was creative and I used to eat, I ate like a half a full turkey that was in the refrigerator once. I would just go berserk.

9:23 Drew Did the people like come home and go, uh, no, no, they would.

9:26 Adam Yeah, no, they would. They would pay me a dollar an hour and they were losing money. You know what I mean? How did they bring it up like, uh, tactfully once in a while they would have something where they would be like, uh, look, there's a ham that's in the refrigerator. That's for, for a party tomorrow night. So if you could, it was a little humiliating when I got a series talking to you. There would be notes on stuff sometimes, but you know, everything else is fair game.

9:53 Drew Solid crossbones. No Adam.

9:55 Adam I roasted marshmallows on their stove.

9:58 Drew Is that the one that Ray flicked at you and burned your face with?

10:00 Adam Uh, no, but yeah, my buddy Ray stuck it to my face while it was while it was flaming. Yeah. He didn't know he didn't flick it on me.

10:07 Drew Good friend. Oh, he actually stuck it on.

10:10 Adam No, I was, uh, I, I put a skewer through it. I'd lit it on fire for anyone knows how a marshmallow burns. It makes a little noise. You know, I mean, it burns like a little torrent, a little stern, a little stern. Oh, and I was, uh, I did, uh, it's Adam the great, like a fire swallowing fire and he whacked my elbow, uh, while it was against my face and then it stuck to my cheek while it was on fire.

10:33 Drew Mind you, it was going into your throat when he whacked your elbow.

10:35 Adam It was somewhere around, somewhere around my mouth.

10:38 Drew Imagine if he'd actually accomplished what he intended to accomplish.

10:41 Adam Well, still the flaming marshmallow, completely engulfed in flames, just stuck to your cheek is a bad feeling. I got to say. And the burning stuff sticks to you even if you flip the, uh, marshmallow off.

10:51 Drew How old were you?

10:52 Adam I was 13, probably, I used to babysit my neighbor and I would invite my friends over to eat, you know, hang out too. And then, oh, and then the quest for the Playboy. That's a whole other story.

11:05 Drew Oh, that's a, that's an episode.

11:07 Adam Yeah. Pulling out a knife, slitting open furniture, you know, pulling stuff out, turn the painting over.

11:13 Drew They don't have that anymore. Now they just, they go onto a computer and they go on a search.

11:16 Adam Oh, crazy. Crazy. These kids, what have they got? Yeah.

11:21 Drew We need to get some calls on people, guys our age that could relate to the quest for the Playboy.

11:25 Adam Oh my God. I don't think, I don't think they're going to call them. They don't know. They don't know from, they don't know from Hell Food. They don't know from Playboy. They don't know. No, no, they don't know.

11:35 Drew Yeah. The deprived life.

11:37 Adam Lauren? Hello? Oh, phone call.

11:40 Drew Lauren?

11:40 Adam Hello? What's happening? Congratulations. Are you in the bathroom? Are you leaving the house?

12:02 He can't.

12:06 Drew Somebody can't?

12:06 Adam All right.

12:08 And my boyfriend's brother. Well, I'm 20 and my boyfriend's 21 and we've been together for a while, but I'm pregnant. Well, not actually just these past couple of months. He's been going out a whole lot with his friends and at first I thought that was fine. But then now I'm thinking he's cheating on me and I don't. I'm not for sure. I don't know if this is like he's like sewing up his oats before we have our baby.

12:44 Drew How pregnant are you? How far along are you? Yeah, you know, guys freak out around the time that women come near the delivery A and B. There's sort of no more vulnerable time for you. And so him not being available, not supporting, of course he evokes all kinds of fantasies about what he's doing.

13:00 Adam Yeah, also, I mean, 21 year old guys aren't ready for anything. They can't handle anything. I wouldn't trust them with a lizard in a, you know, right.

13:09 Drew So I would not jump to him cheating necessarily, even though his behavior is not OK. It doesn't mean he's cheating.

13:17 Well, I asked him tonight if he was sleeping with somebody else and he just kind of stared at me for a long time. And then he goes, well, I'm not having sex with anybody else.

13:29 Drew Oh, boy.

13:30 And I don't know if that means like he has feelings for somebody else or, you know.

13:35 Drew No, listen, Lauren, the 21 year old Jackoff does not have feelings for anybody. Don't worry about that. Well. You know what I mean?

13:42 Adam Hold on a second. Are you living with him and are you living with his brother too?

13:47 Well, we've been together for a long time and then we've been living together for about nine months, nine or ten months.

14:01 Drew Have you been having trouble? Hold on a second.

14:03 Adam Let me say this. This is white trash. Whenever you're living with the brother, there's some sort of weird, it's albino white trash. I don't know what it is. You shouldn't live with your brother or your sister. I don't know why it's so bad, but it always is. It's always a nightmare. Any family member, once you move out of your house, disaster. Unless you're gay, then you can live with your sister.

14:26 Drew Really? I've not noticed that.

14:28 Adam Don't think about it.

14:29 Drew I'm thinking about it.

14:31 Adam You're gay. You're young. You're an architect. You're on the move. You have a beautiful pad. Just to go in here. Sister sweet. She accepts you. She kind of knows you're a little... She's sort of... Your parents are a little pissed, but she sides with you. She's great. She tries to set you up with guys. You know what I mean? It's a sitcom. It's West LA. Things are cool. Yeah? Yeah. Okay. Where are we going? Yeah, so if you're gay, it's cool. Lauren? Yeah? Well, here's...

15:00 Drew That's the name of the sitcom. Lauren? If you're gay, it's cool.

15:02 Adam Oh, you're gay, it's cool. So here's the thing, Lauren. Why don't you give this kid up for adoption? This doesn't sound like it's going to be... I don't think it's going to be a great life for the kid, and I know it's not going to be a good one for you.

15:14 Drew How about that, Lauren? It'd be outrageous.

15:17 Adam Yeah.

15:18 Well, actually, before I called you guys, I was discussing that with my best friend, but... Not with you?

15:24 Drew Where are your parents?

15:27 My mom just moved back to Oklahoma to be near me and her grandchild, and my dad died when I was six.

15:34 Drew Your grandchild being the one that you're about to have, or now another child?

15:37 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

15:41 Adam Okay, let me figure this out. What about your man? What if you said, I'm going to give this kid up for adoption? Would he be relieved?

15:51 Well, when I first got pregnant, I think he kind of wanted me to consider adoption. I think he knows I would never, never consider abortion, never.

16:05 Drew All right, Lauren, please. It's a courageous decision to give this child to parents who really are ready to raise a child.

16:11 Adam It's going to be the best day of his life, if you give the kid up for adoption.

16:14 Drew Of course. He's not. He's freaking out.

16:16 Adam He's 21. He's an idiot. Who knows what he's doing? That cryptic answer of...

16:22 Drew Yeah, I'm not having sex.

16:23 Adam Well, not having sex is bizarre. It's abusive to do to someone who's seven months pregnant.

16:30 Drew Vicious.

16:31 Adam Well, it's not horrible.

16:33 Drew Seven months pregnant, she's vulnerable. She's trying to carry a kid.

16:35 Adam And by the way, who knows what she's hearing?

16:37 Drew What he said.

16:38 Adam Yeah. He stopped. He stared at me for a long time. Who knows what that is? Give the kid up for adoption. And I don't know. Maybe this guy's not the right guy. Yeah? Let's take ourselves another call here.

16:56 Drew No surprise to be with an abandoning guy that her dad was gone.

16:58 Adam Right. Morgan? Yeah. You're 14? Mm-hmm. All right. Hold on. Small speech here. Here's the plan, everybody. The politicians are too big a pussies to ever bring it up. And we just had an election and never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever comes up, but-

17:14 Drew Screwed up people having kids?

17:16 Adam Screwed up people having kids, poor people having kids, young people having kids, young screwed up poor people having kids.

17:22 Drew Young screwed up rich people having kids.

17:25 Adam Eh, not such a problem. And by the way, how many young screwed up rich people are having kids? Okay, let's put it this way. Go to prisons and start interviewing inmates, all right? See what percentage of them had extraordinarily wealthy young parents. Yes?

17:42 Drew Yes.

17:42 Adam All right, so shut up. You're just trying to be politically correct. You know what I'm talking about. Thank you. So here's what I'm saying. You know there's nobody with money.

17:50 Drew Look, here's the deal.

17:51 Adam Here's the deal. Everyone thinks, everyone thinks me yelling poor people shouldn't have kids is sort of, uh-oh, now next thing you know, I want to start putting numbers on people and I'm going to have to look at a pay stub before you have intercourse. No.

18:06 Drew No.

18:06 Adam You know what? Look, having a kid when you're poor... Of course. Of course. It doesn't mean you have to wear a top hat and look like the monopoly man. You have to have enough money for health care. You have to have enough money for housing. And look, safety. When you're poor, you drive a piece of ass old mini pickup truck. It doesn't have airbags. It doesn't have a headrest. It doesn't have the side impacting. It's no good place to put the child seat. Think about how much safer it is if you have a few bucks.

18:35 Drew More importantly, if you have a kid when you are poor, you're guaranteed you're going to stay poor.

18:39 Adam That's right.

18:40 Drew You stop.

18:41 Adam That's right. That's right.

18:42 Drew So it's not...

18:44 Adam Yes. Yes. And it's not like there weren't times when everyone you know, no matter how well off or how good they're doing or how great the parents are, shouldn't have had a kid. Drew, world's greatest dad, kid's still going to need a lot of therapy.

18:58 Drew At 20? No way. 25? No way.

19:01 Adam No way. I mean, could you imagine if one of those candy strippers wanted to keep the kid?

19:08 Drew Oh my.

19:10 Adam Yeah. It would be horrible. Plus, it would be weird because you'd have a kid who was like 23. Gay. Talking back to you. Shut up. You're not my boss. Now, let me borrow some money.

19:22 Drew Can I have concert tickets?

19:23 Adam Yeah. Bad because you only got him the Lexus SUVs. He's mad. He didn't give them Mercedes or the Porsche. Hating you. You want him to be a doctor? He wants to be a performance artist where he just defecates on religious icons and he's mad because you don't show up. Yeah. That's what it's going to be like.

19:41 Drew Your life for Corolla.

19:44 Adam Here's my point. Look, all the problems in this society, but we'll just focus on this country for a second, all the unemployment, the prison population, the congestion, all the violence. What about all the abuse that's perpetrated on other people, the wives, the battering, all the stuff, all of it, the drug abuse, the homelessness, all of it, effed up families. Yes, it's not impossible that your parents are rich and nurturing and take care of you and you become homeless. It's not impossible that you come from a good background and end up in prison. It's just not probable at all. Why? There's no connection. Of course, everyone knows the connection. And why we then don't set our sights on what essentially is the breeding ground for the next batch of violent criminals, drug addicts and the unemployed, why no one will focus on that is beyond me. I think it starts bleeding into some sort of racism or some sort of socioeconomic something where you're holding down the poor, reproductive rights or you're playing God. I don't understand why politicians will not touch that when it's the most obvious glaring problem in this society.

20:59 Drew You're talking about helping people make better choices. That's all. So they don't abuse, they don't abandon, so they can handle, can move up this economic ladder, finish their education.

21:10 Adam We're telling 19 year olds who have a GED not to crap out their third kid, not for us, for them, for the love of F.

21:22 Drew Let's play a little Germany or Florida.

21:23 Adam Really?

21:24 Drew Yeah.

21:24 Adam All right. Let's play Germany or Florida. This is a, this game, I'll tell you something, this game, it's a juggernaut, Drew. It started off as sort of, you know, oh well, we did it on a whim and now it's bigger than the show. It may spin off.

21:38 Drew It may spin off to Ace's Ranchero countdown, accordion countdown.

21:42 Adam No, no, I mean, it may spin off into its own radio show.

21:45 Drew Oh, Germany or Florida.

21:47 Adam Yeah. You remember, like, what the Jeffersons did with All in the Family? They could do that and possibly be more successful. Mark the Carlo would host, kick the crap out of the show in the ratings. Be like us. Be like being bitten by your own snake. All right. Here's how it works. All bizarre stories either emanate from Germany or Florida. You call up, you tell us what the bizarre story is and we guess, is it Germany or is it Florida?

22:17 Drew We don't guess. We tell them.

22:18 Adam We tell you. And oftentimes we're wrong, but we're still going to tell you, Trevor.

22:22 Things are sick and twisted from the Nazis.

22:25 Sex, meth, and death fetishes, both of them have got the guarantee not to bore you Germany or Florida.

22:32 Drew He already cracks himself up towards the end.

22:33 Adam I think that may have been me.

22:35 Drew All right, Trevor, here we go.

22:36 Thanks for taking my call. All right. A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man killed by his own gas. This is related to hobo power, by the way. Wow. There were no marks found on his body, but an autopsy revealed the presence of large amounts of methane dissolved in his blood. His diet contained just the right combination of foods to produce this severe gas attack. It appears the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging above his head.

23:03 Drew Oh, Adam, it could happen to you. It could happen.

23:05 Adam No, not to me, to my wife. I build up an immunity to it.

23:09 Had his windows been open. Sorry.

23:12 Adam Yeah, go ahead.

23:13 His flatulence wouldn't have been fatal, but the man was shut up in a nearly airtight bedroom. He was an obese man with an unlimited capacity for creating the deadly gas. Three rescuers became sick and one was hospitalized.

23:25 Drew No way. I don't believe that.

23:27 Adam This is from the start for being in or something. And by the way, obese guys once in a while die in their sleep. Drew is a doctor.

23:34 Drew Yes, they have some sleep apnea.

23:35 Adam It's usually from gas, all right? All right. Let's just say it's true. Here's what I'm thinking, obese, I think Florida, but.

23:45 Drew No windows. Not Florida.

23:48 Adam Not Florida. And the diet, cabbage.

23:51 Drew Oh yeah, Germany.

23:52 Adam Crouts over there. Yeah. Cabbage gas.

23:54 Drew Germany.

23:55 Adam Cabbage, very powerful. We're going Germany because of the cabbage diet.

23:59 Drew And no windows. You can't live in Florida with no windows.

24:01 Adam Yes. You got it, Germany. Yeah. And that's why they call it Germany or Florida. And that's why Drew pointed out that we don't guess.

24:10 Drew We tell you.

24:10 Adam We tell you what it was. Yeah. What a, what a way to go.

24:15 Drew I mean, you have a euphoric experience yourself. I mean, you'd be so impressed.

24:21 Adam I was watching the news tonight, by the way. And you know, as a woman was killed, there is clinging to life because someone threw a 20 pound frozen turkey, you know, like went through a car windshield and whacked her in the head.

24:33 Yeah.

24:34 Adam And then, by the way, there's no there's no no there's no material known to man that is harder than a frozen turkey. If you've ever felt a frozen turkey or whacked on a frozen turkey, so that's no spent uranium depleted uranium, not harder. Military should be looking in a frozen turkey for like a bunker busters and wasted what, you know, it'll go through seven, seven, eight inches of hardened steel on a tank turret. Anyway, the point is, is you think when people die once in a while from something bizarre like, well, what happened?

25:08 Drew Turkey.

25:08 Caller Turkey. What?

25:10 Adam Ate her?

25:10 Caller What?

25:10 Adam Bid her? No, no, frozen. I mean, it's like, where do you go? What kind of look? What's the appropriate response? You know what I'm saying?

25:18 Drew You hang your head down.

25:18 Adam No. My grandfather went the same way. And this same thing with the gas thing. It's really tough. It's on the family. You know what I'm saying?

25:27 Drew Yeah.

25:28 Adam Yeah. What happened? What happened to Big Lou? Well, the coroner reports that, you know, they, you know what I'm saying?

25:38 Drew It's not conclusive.

25:39 Adam It's got to be rough.

25:40 Caller Yeah.

25:41 Adam He ate Mexican. He was always...

25:44 Drew He had a heart attack? Mexican heart attack? All right.

25:48 Adam And Drew, when you go in your sleep or when you go, it doesn't a lot of methane come out of your body like when you're starting the decomposition process?

25:57 Drew That's H2S. It's a little different. Oh man, methane.

26:00 Adam I like the S part.

26:01 Drew Yeah. Yeah. There's something wrong with that whole story. All right.

26:04 Adam But still, we would like...

26:06 Drew They don't check for methane dissolved in blood, believe me. By the way.

26:10 Adam Quincy. This man wasn't strangled. Someone farted on him and they go in a commercial.

26:17 Drew Look at this room.

26:19 Adam All right. Let's... Yeah. That's crap.

26:22 Drew That's ridiculous.

26:22 Adam But I'd like to believe we live in a world where someone actually did die from their own gas and I don't think it's going to happen.

26:27 Drew We figured it out.

26:28 Adam All right. Yeah.

26:29 Drew All right.

26:30 Adam Let's take a little break. We'll be right back after this. Loveline. My hair. I forgot to talk to Anna. All right, here's the comedy. I was gonna- Here's the thing, people walk in and out of the studio, it seems like solely when the mics are hot, and it's everyone's doing their business, but they're running in and out. It always drives me berserk because the door's always slamming. Anna's doing it quietly, yes. It's Laura that smacks it open and well, yeah, engineer Michelle comes in like the SWAT team. Explosive charge goes off, then in lobs a concussion grenade, and she does a shoulder roll into the place.

27:31 Drew Kicks the door shut in the way out.

27:32 Adam That's right, it hits with the back, she only wears a steel shank boot. She found the rubber sole ones don't make as much noise when they hit the metal door. So here's the funny thing, so I thought, it always drives me nuts. So Ann was in the studio during the commercial giving us some stuff we gotta talk about, and I was thinking to myself, all right, I'm gonna say, don't come in during, but I didn't, I don't know, I didn't want to come across weird or whatever, but please, everyone know it drives me insane with the in and out during the whatever. So I could hear the music start swelling up, I knew we were coming back from commercial break, and the show was starting, and Anne started walking for the door, and I thought, okay, good, she's gonna make it, she's gonna make, she's opened the door, she's gonna make it out the door and shut it, and actually, the mics will be on after the door is shut, and that'll be awesome. And she opened the door, and I was like, go, yes, yes, I could tell the music, and it was gonna be a close one, and she started taking a step out, and Drew, in perfect, Drew, like, uncanny form, like cat-like instincts, like, leans back, goes, hey, Anne, hold up, hold up, hold up. And I'm like, how do you get inside my brain? Like, how do you know what I'm thinking, do I? How do you know, how do you know what I know and don't know it? Like, you clearly know a lot of things. How do you know, like, if there's a million things, how do you only know the 500,000 things that I don't know, but you don't know the 500 that I do? You know what I mean? That's uncanny. It's almost like, it's a talent to be able to pick the winner of a horse race every time, but it's a bigger talent to pick the nine losers. Right. And I think that's you, Drew.

29:08 Drew Yes, every time.

29:09 Adam Yeah, I think you could tell, you could pick the horse that came in last every single time. How do you do that? How did you know that it was like a race against the clock and I was obsessing and I was thinking, oh my God, where the door's gonna close before the mic's heat up, I can't. How did you know? And how often do you stop Anne when she's walking out the door like that?

29:27 Drew Only when you're obsessing over it.

29:29 Adam I was like, oh, oh, we're gonna make it, we're gonna make it. Oh, no. What'd you need from Anne, by the way?

29:35 Drew To tell her that some calls changed. I was gonna point at things for her.

29:40 Adam But show business.

29:41 Drew We have no calls, that's all right.

29:42 Adam Yeah, we have no calls? Yeah, no calls? Tell that to young Morgan, who's 14. Morgan?

29:49 Yes?

29:51 Adam Drew looks at you as a non-call. I look at you as an individual and a precious caller. So what's up? You should ask your question until it reminds me of a story.

30:04 Okay, when I was eight years old, my brother came to my room and he was about 11, 10, 11, and he forced me to show him, of course, my, I guess you could say, body parts that were not supposed to be shown, but-

30:24 Adam No, you were eight. She was eight, he was 11. Right, okay.

30:29 Yeah.

30:29 Adam Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, let me say forced. What do you mean?

30:33 Like, I didn't really want to, but it kind of happened anyway. So, and then he made me touch him, so it was-

30:46 Drew Just touch him or stimulate him or what?

30:49 I don't know what his intent was, but he made me touch him, so.

30:55 Drew Just touch, not stimulate him?

30:56 Adam Well, what do you mean? You mean, give him a handy?

30:59 Drew Right.

31:00 Adam Hmm, that's what touch means.

31:01 Not that, more like exploring, I guess you could say.

31:04 Adam All right. All right, and now you're 14 and what's up?

31:10 Caller I'm just wondering if this kind of affected anything, like my sexuality or if it, what it means basically, because I really have no idea what to think of it.

31:19 Adam Well, here's the thing. Here's the bigger problem. You're calling from Bakersfield.

31:24 Drew That's already a problem.

31:25 Adam That's going to affect your sexuality.

31:27 Drew And everything else.

31:28 Adam In a big way. Now, how's your brother doing now that he's, I don't know, he's at some 20?

31:41 Drew He was probably sexually abused in some way himself, probably by an adult, but not now.

31:45 Adam Not now, you know, we, Drew and I, we argue about this. Yeah, go ahead.

31:51 Caller I don't know if he was like sexually abused, but my father was pretty abusive to him when.

31:56 Adam Yeah, by the way, I swear, when we see Bakersfield, they really, here's their new rule. If I see Bakersfield at Riverside, I'm gonna assume sexual and physical abuse unless you otherwise mention it.

32:07 Drew Which is called abuser field.

32:09 Adam Yeah, no, I'm just, I will assume you're abused until you pipe up and say you weren't when you're calling from Bakersfield. That's just the way it goes. And it's a super albino white trash over there. So, here's the thing, you're asking the right questions, don't look at yourself as damaged goods.

32:28 Drew It's troubling her quite a bit. You can hear it in her voice, right? So, if you really do want some help, find a counselor, maybe tell somebody at school, a teacher or a counselor that you can talk to if you have a kind of relationship with your parents.

32:39 Adam Let's not put the phones, by the way.

32:41 Drew I know, they're not right to do that. They're fading in and out. You can ask for a referral to a psychiatrist or a doctor to get therapy and this kind of thing. This can bother you, it may not have a huge effect on you, but it might. The fact that you have an abuse of alcohol.

32:55 Adam That's the bigger part.

32:56 Drew Morgan?

32:57 Adam Yeah.

32:58 Caller I have a counselor, but I really can't talk to her.

33:00 Caller Like, I can't get anything out.

33:02 Drew Why?

33:03 Caller I just sit there and I don't know.

33:05 Drew Well, then tell her you're having trouble telling her things. At least do that, all right?

33:10 Adam That's interesting.

33:10 Drew And that there are things you'd want to talk about for having trouble doing it. And then maybe if she's a good counselor, she will find ways to get you to feel comfortable.

33:15 Adam And what do you mean you have a counselor?

33:19 Caller I see you like every two weeks. I don't know. We talk about like the day. We don't talk about anything that's important.

33:24 Drew Is it a social worker?

33:29 Adam The line's too weft up. Here's the whole thing too. Most of these people, first off, will cruise if you want to cruise. Counselors.

33:39 Drew What will go?

33:40 Adam If you want to cruise, they'll cruise with you. You don't have to, you know, you don't have to start bringing up molestation.

33:46 Drew Oh, right.

33:47 Adam Abuse and stuff.

33:48 Drew If you would put it in cruise mode.

33:50 Adam Yeah, you just want to go in there and sit down for 50 minutes and go, my locker was stuck today and I started getting angry and so, and then I realized it wasn't the locker shop and they'll go, oh, okay.

34:02 Drew Well, for some people, that's to stay in the here and now is actually therapeutically appropriate.

34:06 Adam Yeah, well, it couldn't hurt.

34:07 Drew For you, Corolla, I've been telling you for years, you don't talk to, you're therapist about anything. You don't talk to them about your masturbatory habits. You don't talk to them about that.

34:16 Adam You could be listening.

34:16 Drew You don't talk about the sexual compulsion, the deprivation.

34:19 Adam Sexual compulsion, how dare you?

34:20 Drew You don't bring up any of that.

34:23 Adam You, you who spreads your passion far and wide, talks to me about sexual compulsion, how dare you?

34:29 Drew I never, how you know I don't talk to my therapist about that?

34:31 Adam I would hope you don't burden your poor therapist with an inappropriate discussion. Oh, please. Well, have some decorum, man.

34:41 Drew Yes, it's like St. St. Adam.

34:45 Adam No, look, I got bigger fish to fry than talking to my therapist. What are you talking about?

34:49 Drew That's the case, core stuff, you never, you talk about your locker.

34:53 Adam Sexual compulsion.

34:54 Drew Yes.

34:55 Adam Not sexually compulsive. Trauma, how dare you? I hope an ideal, I was idealized as a young lad.

35:02 Drew Have you ever seen Adam so stunned and unable to respond to something? Don't you know I'm onto something here? Yeah.

35:08 Adam Drew, you should know, you should know you're not onto something because you think you're onto something. And you've never been onto anything.

35:14 Drew Well done.

35:15 Adam So, what were we talking about? All right, the shrink. Yeah, some wide open with what's wrong with other people.

35:23 Caller It's exactly, precisely.

35:25 Adam I'm fine, what are you talking about?

35:26 Caller Your mom, your grandma. Yeah.

35:31 Drew Engine turning over. What therapist to stop you?

35:35 Adam What, I pay him. It's not gonna stop me. He's a yes man. He's like, is it my posse? You know what I'm saying? I basically, look, where's my use my therapist for? It's like, I'm a rapper who just stepped off stage. I need a towel and some like gin and juice. And I need you to tell me how good I sounded. You know what I'm saying? Never better boss.

35:57 Drew You got the right therapist.

35:58 Adam Top of your game.

35:58 Drew You got the right therapist.

35:59 Adam That's right.

36:00 Drew Have a little ranchero countdown. Just a little bit.

36:03 Adam Should we play along with one of the callers by the way?

36:06 Drew Sure.

36:06 Adam All right.

36:07 Drew Let's pick one here.

36:08 Adam Let's talk to Mandy. She sweats profusely. So she said, we're kindred spirits. Mandy? You're 26?

36:16 Caller Yeah. For the past year, I-

36:19 Adam Hold on. Hold on. I know you have a serious medical condition, but it's time to play Ace's Mexican Ranchero according countdown. Okay?

36:28 Caller All right.

36:29 Adam Do you know how the game is played?

36:30 Caller No.

36:31 Adam All right. Well, wait a minute, Drew. Not a fan of the show. She was a fan. She know how Ace's Mexican Ranchero according countdown was played. So I need to talk to a fan. Candice?

36:47 Drew Yes.

36:48 Adam You know how Ace's Mexican Ranchero according countdown is played?

36:57 Drew No, not a fan. Trailing Forge, pick it up.

36:59 Adam How's it played? No, too long.

37:05 It's gonna take all night, guys. Why four?

37:09 Adam There's no one on four.

37:12 Yes.

37:13 Drew What are you doing?

37:13 Adam Darwin, there's no one on line four. I don't even know what their name is. Caller?

37:18 Drew Yes, caller.

37:19 Adam Shut up. Darwin? You a fan of Ace's Mexican Ranchero according countdown?

37:26 Caller It's a damn lie and you know it.

37:28 Adam Do you know how it's played?

37:29 Yeah.

37:30 Adam How's it played?

37:31 I have to guess how many seconds the accordion comes up in the song.

37:34 Adam All right, fine, thank you, thank you. Drew, never gets tired. So good, Darwin. Never gets tired.

37:39 Caller Fourteen, nine, immediately, two. Whatcha, whatcha, whatcha, whatcha, whatcha gonna do? Mexican musicians breaking it down on each of the accordion countdown.

37:49 Adam There you go. Another fabulous theme song. So Darwin, I'm going to put you up first and ask you time that the accordion comes in.

38:01 I'm gonna go for three, three seconds.

38:04 Adam Three seconds. Oh, he's been listening. He knows the game well. Drew, what do you have?

38:08 Drew Are we going with Michelle's or with Anderson's?

38:10 Adam We're going with Michelle's.

38:11 Drew Seven seconds.

38:12 Adam Seven seconds. Wow, this is tough, seven seconds. I'm gonna go five. I'm gonna go right in the middle. All right, now, I'll cue you, engineer Michelle, in five, four, three, two, one, go. Uh, instant. Uh, so here's the thing, Darwin. It was immediate. You went three, Drew went seven, I went five, you won. It's a certain kind of pride a man has when he wins aces, Mexican, Ranchero, accordion, countdown, yes? First off, you're probably already the toast of the town.

39:06 Drew And, uh, you're in North Hollywood.

39:08 Adam You're liable to get laid tonight.

39:13 Drew Yeah.

39:13 Adam No, you may not even have to leave the house.

39:15 Drew We should have this music booming from this car though, shouldn't we?

39:17 Adam Right, yeah. Right now, uh, models are driving toward your living room in a car. Like there's some sort of graviton, tractor ray. Alright, hold on a second, Darwin. I kinda like this one, actually. Wow, talk about accordion. Wow, this is strong. Listen to the accordion here, Drew. Young prodigy at the accordion. All right, should we take ourselves a little break? You know what, Drew, we're 0 for 2 with Ace's French Aeromax in accordion countdown when we play with the callers.

40:07 Drew They're better, we are.

40:10 Adam We'll take a quick break. When we come back, Drew, who? Mandy? Candice? John? Who are we talking to? Candice? Candice, after this.

40:22 Caller Hello, this is your radio.

40:27 Adam Drew. What are women most attracted to?

40:30 Confident guys.

40:31 Adam That's right. You can't buy that confidence. At least you couldn't until now.

40:35 Drew What do we got?

40:35 Adam You got acts, deodorant, body spray. Hey, buddy, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Gary Dorden was supposed to be in here.

41:07 Drew Tonight.

41:08 Adam That's right.

41:09 Drew Tomorrow night.

41:10 Adam From CSI. He is, I think their 100th anniversary is tomorrow night, by the way, or 100th show, I shouldn't say, anniversary. It's weird, you're getting old. It's like, saw the newspaper, saw the trades today. It's like 100 episodes of My Wife and Kids. Wow. Is it this season? Is it 100 already? No, no, it's going on its fifth season. Six or whatever. Yeah, it's the, like, Damon Waynes or, well, yeah. But the point is, 100 episodes. I mean, it used to be like a landmark. Oh, MASH made it to 100 episodes. They're all in the family, 100 episodes. You know, it was a big deal. Now, my wife and kids are there.

41:51 Drew Well, by the way, it was also something where people would sort of acknowledge as an extended period of time had been passed on television.

41:59 Adam Right.

41:59 Drew The thing is now a dynasty on TV.

42:03 Adam I wonder what it'll do for syndication when there's too much stuff to syndicate.

42:07 Drew Right, there's no room for it.

42:09 Adam Yeah, or it's, Drew, please stop with the noise. You know, back in the day, there just wasn't that many sitcoms, let's say, that made 100 episodes. You had your choice between a handful of them, like, you know, sort of perennials, and they would just run those into the ground, and then once in a while, a new show would make it to 100, and everyone would go nuts. Oh my God, Seinfeld can be syndicated now, or Frasier can be syndicated. Now you're recording to Jim and my wife and kids, and just shoot me and stuff. Like, everything's got 100 episodes. It looks like it's gonna drive the price down a little.

42:44 Drew Thinks like it?

42:45 Adam Seems like it should be. Ready to go, here we go, ready to rock.

42:48 Drew I wanna finish with Mandy here, who's told us she was sweating.

42:51 Adam Ah, yeah, yeah. Not a big fan of the shows, it turns out, though. What's up, Mandy?

42:56 Caller Hi, so for the past year, I've been excessively waking up, or I'm sorry, waking up with excessive amounts of sweat every time I'm with my boyfriend. And it's not the most sexiest thing to wake up and be drenched in sweat as if I've been dancing for two hours. I mean, it's obviously, you know, like urine and everything else. And I just, I'm scared that I'm going through like an early menopause or something.

43:20 Adam Hold on, hold on. First off, is urine and everything else?

43:24 Drew You mean it's a body fluid? Is that what you mean?

43:27 Caller Well, yeah. I mean, so.

43:28 Drew Well, you said it's like urine and everything else.

43:31 Caller I mean, it smells like it because, you know, it's, the skin is.

43:35 Drew Body odor.

43:36 Caller Right, exactly.

43:37 Adam Well, wait a second. I know. All right, I wake up in a puddle. I'm sweating excessively. It smells like urine.

43:44 Drew It's like, no, it's like urine and everything else. Quote.

43:47 Adam What is it? And then it smells like urine, she said. She said it smelled like urine.

43:51 Drew B-O, I think she means.

43:53 Adam Well, you fed the, you fed her the B-O line. Mandy, what?

43:57 Caller I'm saying that I wake up and it's, I'm completely drenched and it smells really bad like urine. And besides.

44:04 Drew Could it be urine?

44:07 Adam Genius. And then my soul leaks out through my rectum. It's brown.

44:14 Caller Smells like stool.

44:19 Adam It's suspicious because I ate corn chowder. Hear me out. The night before.

44:28 Drew And if I didn't know it was my soul being extruded in my sleep, I would swear it was, I mean.

44:38 Adam It had a flavor of stool. You wake up in a puddle of something that smells like urine.

44:49 Drew And immediately go sweat.

44:51 Adam Gotta be sweat. How about just call it, why don't we just say it was perfume that was leaking out of you or maybe like saline solution or something even better than sweat. Yeah, what about holy water? Manny, how do you know it's not urine?

45:05 Caller No, it is sweat, trust me. I wake up in a cold sweat, in a disgusting cold, I am drenched, and I'm not saying I'm in a puddle, I'm drenched in a cold sweat.

45:16 Drew Yeah, but it smells like urine.

45:17 Adam Why does it smell like urine?

45:18 Caller Because, I mean, sweat obviously smells bad, right? I mean, that's what my boyfriend says. He said it smells like urine. That's his, that's his water.

45:25 Drew Maybe it is urine.

45:27 Caller Not all over my body.

45:30 Drew All right, well listen, here's the deal. Are you on any medication?

45:34 Caller I'm on a birth control pill and like an antidepressant.

45:37 Drew Which one? That can cause some sweating. Number two, are you, are you, Effexor can cause some sweating. Yeah, are you just doing this when you're with him or every night, no matter what?

45:47 Caller No, just with him. And it's, I mean, it's getting to the point where, What is it about being with him?

45:52 Drew Is it, is it heavier sheets?

45:54 Adam Is it a different, That's another body.

45:55 Drew No, I know it bothers you. It bothers you then, but is it possible you're drenching?

45:58 Adam No, no, no, no, no. He heat source in the sack with her.

46:02 Drew But is it possible you're getting drenching sweats on other nights other than with him?

46:06 Caller And not as much.

46:09 Drew But the reality is that drenching night sweats is a medical issue. It could be from your medication. It's definitely not menopause though. The birth control pills can also be associated with this, but a drenching night sweat needs to be considered a medical problem to prove it otherwise. You can do things like TB, leukemia, all kinds of things can do this. It's probably nothing, but it needs to be checked out.

46:29 Caller I just wanted to make sure it wasn't deathly because I've extremely swollen lymph nodes, too, for the past year.

46:34 Drew That's lymphoma, leukemia, yes. It's night sweats, night fever, it's absolute.

46:38 Caller So I just go to my doctor and get tested.

46:40 Drew Very quickly, very quickly. Tuberculosis, other things called sarcoidosis, other lymphatic-borne diseases can cause night sweats. Absolutely.

46:49 Adam Manny must have been hot. Manny, are you hot?

46:55 Drew Girl next door.

46:58 Adam Yeah, yeah. This night sweats is serious. I know, because I only get it like three times a week. Three times a week.

47:04 Drew I told you to get checked out.

47:05 Adam Yeah, get checked out. All right, we'll take a quick break. Be right back after this.

47:10 All right, guys, here's the deal. You're looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

47:15 Adam One call is all you need to make.

47:16 Call the Dateline. 877-889-DATE. Call the Dateline. 1-800-CALL-LA-PLAN.

47:40 Adam I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. So, Gary Dordin will be in here tomorrow night from CSI. And, well, I was looking at the other way. Yeah, we got a bunch of good people coming up. I can't remember any of them, but Ann.

47:55 Drew They told me to, yeah.

47:56 Adam Ann came by and I went, ooh, oh, it's always good to, mm, it's nice to be. That we know.

48:05 Suck my white balls.

48:06 Drew No, no, different Kennedy.

48:09 Suck my white balls.

48:12 Adam That's the Virgin Kennedy. I just gotta talk to this guy. I want to change the name of Ace's Mexican Ranchero accordion countdown. Billy?

48:21 Yeah.

48:22 Adam You're 20?

48:23 Caller Yeah.

48:24 Adam Well, I'll be honest with you. I'm all ears, but it's gotta be good. I mean, I really have to be impressed by this name because first off, I've already had the windbreakers and the maracas. I already had them printed up. Yeah.

48:40 Drew And by the way, it describes the game. How much better are you gonna get than that?

48:44 Adam Yeah, like something like Jeopardy? You know, you take a game show like Jeopardy, huh? What's that mean? I don't know. That mean anything to me. You get nothing. But Ace's- But real fortune. Uh-huh. You get warmer. Ace's Mexican Ranchero accordion countdown. What else do you need to know?

49:03 Drew No.

49:03 Adam That's it. It's like applesauce. Well, what is it? Well-

49:09 You got them wrong.

49:10 Adam It's applesauce.

49:12 Drew Too long. So what's your answer?

49:13 Adam What do you got?

49:13 I don't know. Maybe an acronym for it. Or some cash like that.

49:18 Drew Such as?

49:23 Adam Okay.

49:23 Listen.

49:24 Adam Earth to retarded screeners. Don't, you know, if you want to change, you got someone who wants to change the name. Uh, oh, I don't know. Should, you should be shorter. Well, what do you got? Maybe an acronym. Oh, like what? Oh. Yeah. You got to ask them. Here's the thing. If someone calls up and has an idea for something that's better than what we have, you have to ask them what it is. Yeah, don't take their word for it.

49:54 Drew Whatever they're calling them, they're about, you need to ask them what they're calling about.

49:58 Adam Right. I'm curious, I want to get a glimpse at Billy's mind. Billy, what compels you to call up but not have, you know, it's like, as if I put some trivia out there on the air and said like, what year did Lusitania sink? 1918, 1917, or 1915. All right, shut up.

50:22 Drew He's actually answering.

50:23 Adam All right, would you call the show if you didn't have an answer? It's a weird impulse. Like, I would sit there and go, if I knew, I would call. I didn't, I don't think I would. Bailey, are you stoned?

50:39 Caller No, no, I'm not.

50:41 Drew Let me just second.

50:42 Adam All right, so let's get back to the subject. What year did the Lusitania sink?

50:49 Caller Well, let's see, around World War II era?

50:53 Adam No, remember I gave you the choice with the 1917 and the 19...

50:56 Caller I did.

50:57 Adam All right, buddy. All right, here's the deal. No call on the show for five years. I'll for sure be gone by then.

51:04 Caller You're a dick to a lot of people on the air.

51:09 Adam They're dicks to me. I gotta talk to these idiots every night.

51:12 Oh, I don't like your...

51:14 Adam All right, well, what do you got?

51:15 Oh, well, maybe a real...

51:18 Drew Let's get to a real caller.

51:19 Adam Here's Candace. Yeah. All right, Drew.

51:21 Drew Let's do it for the guys, come on.

51:22 Adam You're right. The guys are dicks. Candace, I even hate myself. Candace, you're 17.

51:29 Drew That's a drop at the end of the show, by the way.

51:31 Adam What's up?

51:34 My boyfriend is coming to visit me next week, and we've been talking about having sex.

51:42 Drew What do you mean he's coming to visit you? Where is he?

51:45 He's in Maryland, in the Air Force.

51:49 Drew And did he move away or something? I mean, I'm confused.

51:54 I went to visit him last summer, and we spent...

51:58 Drew Oh, that answers so many questions. He didn't move away, he went to visit him.

52:05 I used to live closer to him, and then, because we knew each other when we were young.

52:10 Adam Okay. He used to live closer to where?

52:14 Drew Maryland?

52:15 Yeah, so closer to Salisbury.

52:21 Adam So he's from Salisbury, here's what I'm asking is, is he stationed at a base that's where essentially he grew up?

52:34 Caller Oh, he's not exactly in basic yet, but he will be stationed here at Hill Air Force Base.

52:43 Adam He's always down at Hill.

52:44 Caller He gets out of basic.

52:44 Drew Right, but he's not in basic yet.

52:47 Caller He has been recruited.

52:50 Adam Okay, okay, so, all right, so I guess I was an idiot for trying to talk, but he's in Maryland. He lives in Maryland. He's not in the Air Force now.

53:01 Drew He's signing up.

53:02 Adam Right, because our first thing is, he's in the Air Force, and the second one is, is he grew up Maryland, and he's in Air Force in Maryland. I thought, well, how convenient that he, you know, most guys ship out or fly out or do whatever. So he's not in Maryland. No, he isn't Maryland, but he's not in the Air Force yet. Okay, Candice. So don't ever give anyone directions. Like if you're standing by the side of the road and they pull up and they go, where's the old Johnson farm? Go, mm. And they go, seriously, I gotta get there, mm. And even if you live at the old Johnson farm, just go, mm. So he's coming out from Maryland and he's going to go, you're calling from Utah. Yeah. And he's gonna do his training at a base in Utah.

53:49 Drew Maybe, we'll see.

53:50 Caller No, he's going to San Antonio, Texas for basic and then after basic, he's getting stationed here at Hill Air Force Base.

53:57 Drew So he says.

53:58 Adam How does he?

53:59 Drew How does he determine where he's gonna be stationed?

54:01 Adam Yeah, do you get picked on the letter?

54:02 Drew Before he's even enrolled.

54:04 Adam Yeah, I think it's enlisted.

54:06 Caller They told him at one of those commander's call meetings that he'll be shipped out to a base of his first choosing and nobody wants to come here to Utah. So he's more than likely gonna be shipped out here.

54:19 Adam Wow, it's good times.

54:20 Drew Rather go to Iraq?

54:21 Adam Like, yeah, Fallujah or Utah?

54:24 Drew Oh, Utah, no way.

54:25 Adam Well, let's see, they don't serve beer after the streetlights come on, do they over there? No, I go to Fallujah. I'll bring a flash, go to Fallujah, take my chances. That's a bad sign, by the way, when you're in Utah.

54:36 Drew Kansas don't have sex with them yet, relax, you're 17.

54:38 Adam Yeah, how old is he?

54:41 Caller He's 18, he's a year and a half older than me.

54:43 Drew Wait till you're 18, okay? Just follow my direction on that one.

54:48 Adam Yeah, but you know why, you know why, Candace? I'll tell you why, and it's not a put-down. It's not really a compliment either, it just is what it is. We talk to, yeah, we talk to 17-year-olds all night that sound like they're 25, and then once in a while we talk to 17-year-olds that sounds like they're 14.

55:05 Drew That's you.

55:05 Adam That's you, but not a bad way. Drew, when your girl turns 17, would you rather her sound like she was 14 or 28?

55:12 Drew Much rather.

55:13 Adam Yes.

55:14 Drew Yes, 14. And this guy's not gonna be available to you, you're never attached to him, who knows what's gonna happen here. Just wait a little bit. 18.

55:23 Adam I wonder what he's gonna do, it's never anything good.

55:26 Drew No, she won't know.

55:28 Adam No, no woman ever knows what a guy does in the service, it's number one. Number two, every time we talk to someone who's in the Air Force or in the Navy or Marines, it's always, oh man, this is gonna be exciting. What is it? And they're like, well, I work on a mail ship. What do you do? A short mail.

55:45 Drew If you recall, we've had a mail ship, a laundry ship.

55:49 Adam No, I think I made that one up.

55:51 Drew No, we had some sort of laundry thing, remember? We had some sort of processing.

55:56 Adam I work on a napping vessel. People come from other vessels to nap. And I just go ahead and watch them while they nap. They ever see any action? No, no, we're not actually in the ocean. We're in Lake Haran. We just parked the boat there. It's moored. It's not even moored. It's actually up on blocks. We just sit there. You ever see any action? No, we don't have real guns. The barrels are made of, they're PVC pipe that are painted gray. They look like guns, but they got the red cap on the end of them, you know. Really, what else goes on on this ship? Well, we have leave. I go into Michigan and then I come back. I ate some Pringles. We never, and by the way, is there anyone who's ever called this show was in the Air Force that had actually been inside an airplane?

56:47 Drew No, not this show.

56:49 Adam They don't do anything. They're like, wait, then I think they let them look at the airplanes. I always just, I want to talk to some guys flown some sorties, you know, is maybe ejected. I mean, it was emptied a couple of rounds of that spent uranium into the, you know, back of some mig or something. That's what I want. Excitement. You know what I mean? Through the eyes of other people, not myself. Yeah, hey.

57:13 Caller You ready to go?

57:14 Drew I go.

57:15 Caller Patricia?

57:17 Adam You're 18? What's up?

57:21 Drew All right.

57:22 Adam You have any questions for us?

57:24 Caller Yeah, I have one. My boyfriend and I have been dating for probably about eight months now. And we've already had sex and everything.

57:34 Adam All right, got that out of the way.

57:36 Caller Yeah. But like he tells me he loves me and he basically treats me like a queen, you know? But he's always asking for sex or for head or anything like that.

57:51 Drew That would make him an 18 year old male.

57:52 Caller Mm-hmm. Yeah. And I don't know if he really actually loves me or if he's just using me.

58:03 Drew Well, as much as an 18 year old male can love anything, he loves you.

58:08 Adam Well, here's the other thing too. Women, especially 18 year old women, have a totally different feeling about sex in men.

58:17 Drew Patricia, listen carefully.

58:19 Adam For men, it's, oh, I thought it. I heard definitely it was a smoke detector.

58:24 Drew Definitely did.

58:25 Adam Uh-oh, the call's taking a totally different turn. I was gonna, spun gold was ready to come out of my mouth. Forget it now. Now I'm on a smoke detector. Here's the beauty. The phone lines are cutting in and out tonight.

58:37 Drew Oh, it's gonna screw it up.

58:38 Adam We'll never hear it. We'll never ever hear it.

58:41 Drew All right, so go ahead and give your spun gold.

58:43 Adam I'm now obsessed that now the phone lines have gone out.

58:45 Drew Patricia, speak again.

58:48 Caller What? Can you hear me?

58:50 Drew Yeah, we got your back. Yeah. The phone just drops out when you stop talking.

58:53 Adam All right. So keep talking, but quietly. I wanna hear the detector.

58:59 Caller Just like that.

59:00 Adam That's good. That's perfect.

59:01 Drew Is there a smoke detector near you?

59:04 Caller Yeah, in my hallway.

59:05 Drew Wanna go near it? Go near it.

59:07 Adam Please go near it.

59:08 Caller Why?

59:08 Drew Walk towards it.

59:11 Adam By the way, don't ever ask the doctor why. Like when he says, stick your tongue out, why? No, you stick your tongue out.

59:18 Drew And he says, Oh, keep talking, keep talking.

59:21 Adam What was that by the way? Cabin door?

59:23 Drew Haunted house. Patricia? What?

59:27 Adam She's so annoyed. Hey, Patricia, are you standing under the smoke detector?

59:33 Drew Are you?

59:34 Adam Okay, now people understand that we have this problem with our phone line where all of you can hear the answer. It's really fantastic. You wanna know what would be worse than the caller cutting out? The only thing that would possibly be worse is if everyone else heard the response except for us.

59:50 Drew Which is what they do.

59:52 Adam Which went on for four months before anyone alerted it to us. So we just say, huh, what, huh, what? And everyone who was driving their car went, wait, what's wrong? Why didn't you hear what they said? All right, so Patricia. Guys want sex. Like, it's like, they want sex like, it's like if they wanna eat, they're not using the refrigerator, using the supermarket.

1:00:17 Drew If you hadn't eaten for two weeks and somebody threw you into the candy store or something, and you've eaten for two weeks, that's the condition a guy, 18-year-old male is in relation to sex 100 times.

1:00:30 Adam Wow, a little glimpse of Drew's passion and how deep it runs, by the way.

1:00:35 Drew No, it's unusual as it's still living for me at 47.

1:00:37 Adam Yeah, no, Drew is in that candy store. He's gobbling the goobers. He's packing the fudge. He's really working that candy store. Yeah, Drew probably getting a boner just talking about food and sex. Drew, you're such a passionate man and your passion really lies in food and in sex. You shouldn't combine them. Like you shouldn't use food as a metaphor.

1:01:01 Drew It's troubling, it's problematic.

1:01:02 Adam Yeah, because you'll kill yourself.

1:01:04 Drew For other people, I can talk about that.

1:01:06 Adam Okay, but here's what I'm saying. Now, what I mean is guys want sex all the time, whether they're in love or not. Now, it's hard to tell which is which. Now, here's the analogy I was sort of screwing up with. Guys need to eat every day. Do you love this restaurant? Is it your favorite? I don't know. You have to eat every day. Yeah, you don't always have to, it'd be great if it's your favorite place and your favorite food. How does the guy who owned the restaurant know? Cause he sees you there, you're eating anyway. It's hard to tell, you gotta keep taking it in.

1:01:38 Drew The owner would know when the guy comes in, is thankful to him, can I bring you anything?

1:01:42 Adam Yeah.

1:01:42 Drew I'm so happy you're here.

1:01:44 Adam He treats you like a queen.

1:01:45 Drew That's a good sign.

1:01:46 Adam Yeah, what else do you want?

1:01:48 Drew That's about all an 18 year old can muster.

1:01:49 Adam By the way, him wanting sex from you just means he wants to be with you. Let's look at the opposite of that. He doesn't want sex from you? Oh, by the way, you show me an 18 year old that doesn't want sex from his 18 year old girlfriend, I'll show you a relationship that's over.

1:02:02 Drew Toast. A guy that's having sex with somebody else or thinking about it.

1:02:06 Adam Right. So what's wrong with you and that he treats you like a queen and he's physically attracted to you, but you don't trust him?

1:02:17 Caller No, it's not that I don't trust him, it's just that, I don't know, I'm just confused about if he really likes me or not. He does, it's fine. Because sometimes he can be really mean towards me.

1:02:28 Drew Give us an example.

1:02:34 Adam Hold on, are you standing under that smoke detector?

1:02:37 Caller No.

1:02:38 Drew Would you mind going back there?

1:02:39 Adam Remember that part where we asked you to go stand underneath it?

1:02:43 Drew Is that the nearest one?

1:02:45 Caller Yeah, but I can take it off my wall, would that help?

1:02:51 Adam Does it chirp periodically?

1:02:53 Caller No.

1:02:54 Drew Is there one that does, nearby?

1:02:57 Caller This one has like a little red light that like goes off and on.

1:03:02 Adam Stand next to that one. And by the way, I don't think anyone's ever called the show that had more than one smoke detector in their house. It's pretty good. Makes you know you're gonna have people calling in with two TVs. So, all right. What do you mean he's mean to you? How does he mean to you?

1:03:20 Caller Like, I don't know. He always tends to lie a lot.

1:03:25 Drew Well, that's not good. What was, again, an example?

1:03:30 Caller If I ask him where he's been or anything like that, he'll be like, oh, I've been at work whenever he really got off work about an hour ago, or.

1:03:42 Adam Oh, my God.

1:03:44 Drew Whole hour? Whole hour.

1:03:46 Caller But now it's just, I don't know.

1:03:50 Adam Hold on. Oh, that was an example of him lying? Well, no guy takes their woman seriously.

1:04:02 Caller Yeah, I know.

1:04:04 Adam Where's your dad?

1:04:08 Caller Yeah.

1:04:08 Caller He's down in Kentucky right now.

1:04:10 Drew Why is he away?

1:04:12 Caller He goes deer hunting every season.

1:04:14 Caller Wow.

1:04:18 Adam How long does he go for?

1:04:20 Caller Um, he don't go for long.

1:04:26 Adam How long does he go for? But not for long, like a week?

1:04:29 Caller Um, yeah. Sometimes like maybe four or five days.

1:04:33 Adam Good time. He comes home with some nice venison for you?

1:04:36 Caller No.

1:04:37 Drew Brings veal home.

1:04:38 Adam Do you eat? Do you don't eat when he shoots?

1:04:43 Caller But he never, he really don't, he's never brought a deer home.

1:04:48 Drew Why?

1:04:49 Adam Because he's banging his secretary in Miami. That's why. He goes hunting every year and never brings a deer home?

1:04:57 Caller No, I think they always end up getting drunk or something.

1:05:00 Adam Okay. Is he a good guy? He sounds like a delight.

1:05:06 Caller I don't know. He always drinks and stuff.

1:05:09 Drew You're going to be attracted to guys like that. Be careful.

1:05:13 Adam You're 18. What's going on? What are you doing? We're out of time.

1:05:15 Drew What's your next step? What's next for you in life?

1:05:19 Caller I'm going to college right now.

1:05:21 Drew Where?

1:05:22 Caller In a Southern state. And I'm going to be a mortician. So, I got to transfer after I get done college here.

1:05:32 Adam Why a mortician? Why would you be attracted to that at 18?

1:05:38 Caller I don't know. It's just, I've had a lot of deaths in my whole life.

1:05:44 Adam I see.

1:05:45 Caller And so, like, death's always been around me because I've always been having to go to a funeral either one, either every year or every other year.

1:05:55 Adam Let's see if you like more of it.

1:05:56 Drew This is that, again, when your dog bites you and your kid, you're either deathly afraid of dogs or you become a veterinarian. This is that crazy thing that humans do.

1:06:05 Adam All right, Patricia, holy mackerel.

1:06:07 Drew Interesting.

1:06:08 Adam It's getting dark. What are you gonna turn for them, Cobb?

1:06:11 Drew It's like the HBO series.

1:06:13 Adam By the way, what goes on with this strange mortician ritual with the coffins and the formaldehyde and the putting the makeup on people? And what's going on? We haven't outgrown that. What are we, a bunch of just like scared tribesmen or something?

1:06:30 Drew Yes.

1:06:30 Adam Is it multi, multi, multi-million dollar a year industry that's, I'm gonna buy a casket for five grand, I'm gonna take the old man, I'm gonna put him in the arm. I'll put a little Armani suit, I'll put a little rouge on him. Whatever. Hey, oh yeah, no, no, he's pale. Once you put a little color in his face, it looks... I got better at it. Once you put fishing string on him and animate him. Well, let's just stuff him and put him in the living room, you idiot. I'm just using your logic. He died four days ago. You want him to be alive again. Why don't you just go ahead and cover him in surfboard resin and make a coffee table out of him. He can never leave. Yeah, you idiots. Well, he's dead, but I don't want him to be dead, but only for four more days. It's like, well, he made it to 89 and then he died. And then I sort of made him seem alive for four days. And then we buried him in a $4,000 casket. Well, what is that? And what's the part where I got to get one more look at him when he's dead? I got to get another look when he's dead?

1:07:32 Drew But this is primitive man. I mean, this is man needing a few days to come to terms with the reality.

1:07:37 Adam Please take a few days and come to the reality.

1:07:40 Drew But they got to look and look like animals come out and sniff and look and oh my God, oh my God, and kick and poke and.

1:07:46 Adam What is that?

1:07:47 Drew It's primitive man.

1:07:48 Adam Oh, not the Corollas. I'll tell you the Corollas. First off, the idea of burying anyone in anything but maybe just a fig leaf over their groin or underpants is considered, you know, $5 pair of Hanes would be considered a travesty. It just, you would never bury anyone in it. Well, first off, no one had a decent suit. But secondly, you would never bury anyone. My parent, my family, suck the marrow out of your bones before they put you on the ground. They would harvest your organs. They would squeeze you, get the last bit of salt out of you, just cash that in.

1:08:24 Drew Get that brown soul out.

1:08:25 Adam Going through your pockets. Oh, it'd be horrible. Taking the fillings out. There's gold in there. Sure. Oh, you'd be like a car that was left out in Compton. It just stripped and put up on blocks. Number one. Number two, the idea of bearing you in something that costs more than their average car of the Corollas would be unthinkable. Like a mahogany casket with some brass knobs or something on it, handles. Are you high? No, no, no. We do a little something called the Neptune Society. They pick you up. It is literally 150 bucks.

1:09:05 Drew Seriously?

1:09:06 Adam Well, you sign up for it. My grandparents signed up for it probably in 1975. It was probably 80 bucks. And by the way, they must have... My grandparents, my grandmother probably confounded these people because you pay the Neptune Society, they come to your house. Guy shows up in a Velary station wagon, by the way, wearing sweatpants and flip flops at four in the morning. It's not Quincy.

1:09:31 Drew No, that's right.

1:09:32 Adam There's no siren on the top of the wagon. No, Gurney, right?

1:09:36 Drew No, the last person I sent off one of those was a...

1:09:38 Adam Neptune Society?

1:09:39 Drew No, the town car, the Countess Country with the wood panel.

1:09:43 Adam Yeah, the guy was driving a 79 Celica, it was a hatchback. He stuffed my grandfather in the boot.

1:09:51 Drew Country station wagon with the fake plastic wood panel.

1:09:53 Adam Not even a station wagon. He put him in shotgun. Didn't even put the seatbelt on him.

1:09:57 Drew He drove the Fastline.

1:09:59 Adam He drove the Diamond Line. But again, no seatbelt, so I was angry.

1:10:02 Drew Where's he going?

1:10:03 Adam Well, I'm just saying. You still, you just play, couldn't hoit, is the old Jewish joke. Joke goes. But the point is, picked up at like four in the morning by a guy wearing a sweatpants and a T-shirt, thrown in the back of the Velary wagon, and gone, you know, allegedly to the crematorium. But who knows? Could have been the pound.

1:10:23 Drew Could have been a couple stops.

1:10:24 Adam Could have just been right up at Angeles Crest Highway for a little, you know.

1:10:28 Drew I'm saying there are people in this one.

1:10:29 Adam Oh, into some weird stuff. How dare you? The point is this. It was probably $80, okay? And I'm sure where they get you is like, well, okay, it's gonna be $80 for us to come and pick up the body and cremate the remains. And then it'll be $175 when we have the ceremony. No, thanks. No, no, no, we scatter them over the, yeah, they work good. No, no, but you won't be able to say, no, yeah, I heard you. No, you understand, we'll scatter the ashes over the open sea. The boat trip is going to cost $100. Do you understand that the Corollas had no ceremony? That my grandfather, and by the way, he was the one they liked in the family. I don't know, my only magic, they're going to put me on a steak and just put me on my mom's front yard. They don't like me. The grandfather was the one they liked. Nothing. Gone, rolled him right out of there in the Velary wagon. That was the last time. Nothing. Nothing. Nope.

1:11:28 Drew Very realistic, right? He was gone. He was gone.

1:11:30 Adam Ask me where the ashes are. Who knows? They're in the kiln.

1:11:34 Drew But they're just ashes.

1:11:36 Adam That's my point.

1:11:37 Drew Your family's very realistic that way.

1:11:38 Adam They're super realistic when it's another 142 bucks. Yeah, they've been amazingly realistic. Not so realistic about other things. But yes, you're dead, everybody. Save the rouge, save the three-piece suit and the pocket watch. Save the very expensive piece of furniture we're bearing you in. By the way, you call it a casket, it was okay. But let's just call it a nice piece of furniture. They're shoving you in an essentially beautiful piano and bearing you. And then somebody brought this up. Oh, we got to take a break. But somebody brought this up. I'm not done. I'm not done. No, I'm not done. We're going to take a break. I'm not done.

1:12:14 Drew We'll get back.

1:12:16 Adam And then I'll be... No, I'm going to finish during the commercial.

1:12:18 Drew Oh, okay.

1:12:19 Adam We'll be done when we come back. After this.

1:12:28 Caller We'll be right back.

1:12:47 Adam BYE Yeah, whoo, get it on. Gotta get it on. Freak out, get it on. It's Loveline, I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. So, we're talking about this sort of morbid ritual known as death and the preparation of the body and the funerals and all this people. First off, this wanting to get into the funeral business. I would have thought I would have made an entire lifetime without talking to one person that was interested in it or getting into it. I couldn't imagine, we've spoken to plenty of people over the years who are gonna be morticians, there's good money into it, in it. They don't seem to mind it at all. And I've always found it bizarre with the, putting on the makeup and putting the body back together and especially what happens to a body when it's dead and taking the, propping it up and putting the suit on it. By the way, anyone has ever tried to get one of his drunken buddies out of a car or get him undressed and throw him in bed or something like that? I couldn't imagine getting a fat, old dead guy in a three-piece suit. They must have to just cut away the back or something, just drape it over him, right? And then what do you do? You put a little stitch in the eye to keep the lid shut and you put the little makeup on them. And then once in a while someone goes in a weird way. And everyone just dies in their sleep. Once in a while someone gets like a crossbow through their head or something. And then you got to put a little spackle over the hole. Oh, you got an exit wound. You got to put a little spackle over that. It's just bizarre. And it's the idea that then we put you in a piece of furniture and bury it and put you in the ground. And I think I'd like to be cremated, but my friend was talking who lost his mom. He'd say once in a while, not anymore, but recently after she died, he'd picture her decomposing in the coffin. Nice. Well, think about it. This person you love very much got pumped with formaldehyde, shoved in a box and then buried under six feet of ground. And now it's been five days. You think of your mom. Well, there she is. I mean, you know.

1:14:56 Drew It's a good argument for cremation.

1:14:58 Adam Let's just cremate everyone. And by the way, how much real estate we got to use up with a bunch of people underneath us. And then inevitably there's trouble because a hundred years from now, someone wants to build a golf course, and a bunch of bodies come flying around. Then the Indians get weird. Know what I'm saying? I can't wait until there's enough white people on the ground where the white people can get weird. Oh, we know it would be awesome, Drew. It would be awesome. It would be awesome. They would have built an Indian casino. Wait a minute, there's white people on that ground. And then I show up as the white guy. None of, hey, wait a minute.

1:15:29 Drew No, yeah, you can start in their own tongue.

1:15:31 Adam I speak in their own tongue. I just grab the mic, run. Hey, wanna check it out, wanna, hey, hey, hey. And then we translate. Yes, my people came to this country many years ago. What, hey, hey, grandpa Jewish. Hey, hey, Pinchin him, F-R-A-Y-N-A, buried in lawn, if possible, hey. And I just, I probably speak to them in my native tongue. And then I explained to them, you guys can't break ground on this casino. There's white people in them hills. Aha, and then I yell, touche. Scream, touche. I screamed, touche.

1:16:18 Drew You screamed and chalked out.

1:16:19 Adam Yeah.

1:16:20 Caller Hi-ya!

1:16:21 Adam No, no, touche is touche.

1:16:22 Drew Oh, really?

1:16:24 Adam It's an Indian word.

1:16:25 Caller Oh, really?

1:16:26 Adam Yeah, we just picked it up.

1:16:27 Drew I thought it was French.

1:16:28 Adam Mm-mm. No, a lot of people think it is. It's the touche. Like you'll hear if you like watch old movies, a guy will go, yeah, hey, what, hey, touche. Yeah, yeah, okay, I'm not touche. Yeah, that dick, hey, oh, what, touche. You ever seen that? Touche turtles, Indian.

1:16:45 Drew Oh.

1:16:45 Adam Indian turtles.

1:16:46 Drew That one's got the feather in his set.

1:16:47 Adam The Indian, yeah. Yeah, I know, it looks like a musketeer hat.

1:16:50 Drew No, it's feather.

1:16:52 Adam It would just be, it would be so awesome. I mean, it's bound to happen eventually. Cause they're building these casinos out on the outskirts of town. This is land that was settled by the round-eyed, the pale face, you know, 150 years ago. Someone's going to be buried out there. You know, it's even better. Forget about breaking ground. They got to get halfway into the casino, maybe three quarters of the way done, and they start digging the pool. And then they find a femur from an old racist. And they can tell that whoever's bonus was had blue eyes, and then I jump in. We're shutting the whole place down. My people are buried here.

1:17:28 Drew Going all red.

1:17:29 Adam Yeah, yeah. I call that goose and she comes down in passion speech about what it's like to be white. Yeah, all right. Awesome.

1:17:39 Drew And poor.

1:17:40 Adam And poor, awesome. This is going to be great. It's going to happen. White people, we need you in the ground. We got to get more of you in the ground. Do what you can.

1:17:48 Drew Cover more real estate, yeah.

1:17:49 Adam Let's cover it, spread you out. Boy, that's a good South Park episode right there. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

1:17:59 Drew All right.

1:18:02 Adam Nick?

1:18:03 Caller Yeah.

1:18:04 Adam You're 18?

1:18:05 Caller I am.

1:18:06 Adam What's up?

1:18:07 Caller Nothing much. What's happening with you guys?

1:18:09 Adam Good, our ears are bleeding. Other than that, we're fine. What's up?

1:18:13 Caller Oh, yeah. Well, I'm looking for book recommendations from Dr. Drew because I figure he's a smart guy.

1:18:21 Drew Wait, wait, wait, let me hear this.

1:18:23 Adam Drew, what? The guy's been on hold for nine minutes. He's neck, he's 18, he had a stupid book.

1:18:28 Drew No, no, but what I'm intrigued by is 18, he's graduated from MIT. That's what it says.

1:18:35 Adam Nick, did you graduate from the Massachusetts Institute for Technology? Is that what it is? At 18?

1:18:45 Caller Yeah, well what ended up happening is I ended up graduating high school when I was 16 and got accepted to study computer science at MIT and I took one computer science math class and said that was enough and switched majors over to English.

1:19:03 Adam And you graduated?

1:19:04 Caller Yeah, well they didn't make me take any back-core classes.

1:19:08 Adam Uh-huh.

1:19:09 Drew Wait a minute, at MIT you still take all those core science classes?

1:19:12 Caller Well, you take some of the core science classes, but there's a lot of other like classes like, you know, they have like PE requirements and stuff like that where you gotta take certain health classes and stuff if you're going for a four-year program. So I pretty much doubled up on a lot of classes each term and it didn't make me take some of the back-core, like the classes that don't have to do with your major.

1:19:35 Drew What?

1:19:35 Adam I don't know. Drew, is it the most prestigious school in America?

1:19:41 Drew MIT and Caltech are the two biggest science schools when they kick their ass in the sciences.

1:19:45 Adam Drew loves that. Oh, way do those kids of yours have an eating disorder because of you. Nick?

1:19:51 Drew I mean, I'd spoken at Caltech this year and I was talking to the students about the stuff that they do. It's amazing. The level of depth they get into the physics and math, all of them, it's just unbelievable.

1:20:01 Adam Nick? Yeah, so Nick, first off, you don't sound Asian. How did this work? You're a white guy?

1:20:10 Caller I am a white guy.

1:20:13 Adam Wow, not Indian or Asian.

1:20:15 Caller No, no, isn't that weird?

1:20:17 Adam It is weird, yeah. Wow. All right, you sound like you smoked some reefer too.

1:20:25 Caller No, I actually, I smoked it once and that was enough.

1:20:29 Drew What are you gonna do with this degree at 18?

1:20:32 Caller Nothing, I'm now back in Oregon, which is where I'm from originally, and now I'm going to OSU and working on a second degree in education.

1:20:41 Drew Wow, crazy, genius, OSU, MIT to OSU?

1:20:45 Adam Calling all nerds, wow.

1:20:47 Caller The thing was, I wanted to come back home because all my friends live in Oregon, all the people I grew up with.

1:20:53 Drew Yeah, but Oregon's right up the street there.

1:20:55 Adam Guy's 18 for Christ's sake. You're hanging out with his buddies.

1:20:58 Drew University of Oregon's 20 minutes up the road.

1:21:01 Adam Oh, really, that's a much worse school?

1:21:03 Drew It's a state school. San Diego State, Berkeley.

1:21:06 Adam Oh, really?

1:21:07 Caller Go Beavers, I mean.

1:21:09 Adam Really, it's different between like that?

1:21:10 Drew Not quite that bad, but.

1:21:11 Adam They're doing it between Northridge and UCLA? Uh-oh, that's bad. All right, so anyway, Nick, what's up?

1:21:18 Caller Well, I'm looking to tackle the next great book. I wanna hear some of the stuff Dr. Drew's read. I mean, he's obviously a really well-read guy. And the world.

1:21:28 Adam What about me?

1:21:30 Caller What?

1:21:30 Drew How about my book? Read my book, correct.

1:21:33 Adam All right, quiet, go ahead. What would you recommend for a guy like Nick?

1:21:36 Drew Don Quixote.

1:21:37 Adam You would?

1:21:39 Drew I would recommend.

1:21:39 Adam Why?

1:21:41 Drew It's an interesting piece of literature. You'd be amazed at what it actually is. It's so farcical about two guys right here getting their asses kicked. That's really what it's about.

1:21:51 Adam Hey, have you read Don Quixote?

1:21:53 Caller No, I have not.

1:21:56 Drew Read Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, James Joyce.

1:21:59 Caller Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man.

1:22:01 Drew James Joyce.

1:22:02 Caller Mm-hmm. Right on.

1:22:03 Drew Joyce.

1:22:04 Adam Joyce, Joyce, Joyce, Joyce. Okay, buddy. I like to recommend The Phantom Tollbooth. It's the only book I've ever read. All right, it's a good read, yeah.

1:22:15 Drew And then read my book, Cracked, if you want an interesting view of my life.

1:22:20 Adam It was awesome, it's awesome seeing The Phantom Tollbooth and saying, yeah, yeah, I like the book better because I was always waiting to make that comment. It's never come except for The Phantom Tollbooth. It's nothing worse. You know, let me tell you what I mean to my definition of hell is sitting in between two people who read a book that you then go see the movie version of, but you didn't see it. That's Bonfire, The Phantom, he's, oh, the book. Oh, I read it nine times. Oh, they're talking past you. This is just, he, they took, completely eliminated the whole, it's, he just sit there like, I'm gonna put on my dunce cap and go on a popcorn run. You guys cool? You guys want, you guys want 69 while I'm gone? Suck vowels out of each other's tuchus while I'm taking a leak and thinking about killing myself. Stop, stop. Well, I'm just saying, they're like reading, Drew. Yeah, I know. That's all, that's all. I know you do too, but don't do that obnoxious thing where you go see the movie and then, no, it's such a badge of honor. I read it better. And then, and then you have to make sure and be disappointed. Couldn't anybody be pleasantly surprised? Couldn't anyone like the movie better than the book? Or do you both have to just agree the book was fantastic and the movie sucked? And after your 20th try, don't you learn your lesson? Don't see the movie anymore. It's disappointing for you. I go, here's the thing about not reading, for me, my brain, clean slate, nothing. It's like an etch sketch, I got shook. No, even better, brand new etch sketch. It's still in the cardboard.

1:23:56 Drew Never been etched.

1:23:57 Adam No etch, no sketching, no etching. Pow, salt flats. I go in every movie. I have no idea if it was a book full of wonderment and awe, like a newborn. You know what I'm saying? Not polluted by the book, not jaded by the book. You understand? We'll be right back. Poisons to mind that reading, it really does.

1:24:19 Drew Just thinking of the great films you can go see now. Go see After the Sunset.

1:24:22 Adam I don't even like reading the screen.

1:24:25 Drew I noticed that.

1:24:25 Adam It's too many words. All right, let's, where is that place that will let you borrow books?

1:24:32 Drew Library.

1:24:34 Adam But it doesn't have the word book in it. That doesn't bother anybody.

1:24:38 Drew Libris, his book.

1:24:39 Adam Libris, that's either a sign or an animal with the stripes. All right, I'm just saying, who's gonna be stupid enough to borrow a book?

1:24:47 Drew Well, that's a whole nother matter. They even used to have vinyl records there.

1:24:52 Adam Yeah, now I know.

1:24:53 Drew You can throw those in your car and melt them.

1:24:55 Adam My dad used to check out records from the library, but an idiot. Talk about cheap, by the way. Two bucks worth of vinyl, you gotta take it home. By the way, the thing was probably covered with shingles and hepatitis and sebum, and you're playing some, it's all scratched up, you're playing some crap that's all warped and everything. An idiot. All right, we'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this. You know, Drew, smelling good is more than a smell. It's an attitude.

1:25:29 Drew That's true, Adam.

1:25:30 Adam It is?

1:25:31 Drew I know how to get that attitude too. How?

1:25:33 Adam Breakdown.

1:25:34 Drew Axe deodorant body spray.

1:25:52 Adam Adam, that's Dr. Drew.

1:25:54 Drew Adam, it's been a whole week without guests. It's been good. Has it? Yeah.

1:25:58 Caller Yeah.

1:25:58 Drew It's been good.

1:25:59 Adam Kerry Dorden coming in here tomorrow night from CSI, 100 episodes, everybody. You guys are lucky. I can't remember what I was talking about.

1:26:09 Caller All right, it's time to move on.

1:26:11 Drew No, you had something more you wanted to talk about.

1:26:14 Adam No, I'll tell you. I'm not done. No, no, that was the break before.

1:26:18 Drew Oh, we forgot to talk about it.

1:26:19 Adam No, what we forgot to talk about is these very lovely people, Dan and Jessica, who at great expense, at personal expense and time, sent us a lovely way to keep tally of the Ace's Ranchero Mexican According Countdown.

1:26:36 Drew Poster with a clock on it.

1:26:38 Adam Stopwatch and margin on each side so we could get a grease pencil so we could keep track or dry erase pencil. It's all laminated. It's beautiful, by the way. It has a lovely Latino man with a retarded mustache playing his beloved accordion.

1:26:55 Drew Our picture's on it.

1:26:56 Adam Yeah, it's wonderful.

1:26:58 Drew Where are they from? Portland, Oregon.

1:27:01 Adam Portland, Oregon. They also sent us something to keep track of the Germany or Florida because we never really officially keep track of who's ahead and who's behind. We don't have a scoreboard. Well, we're like a very needy junior high and these guys just donated a scoreboard for our gymnasium.

1:27:21 Drew Yeah.

1:27:21 Adam Yeah? Yeah, so again, big shout out to Dan and Jessica for writing us a lovely letter and sending that stuff in. All right, now let's back to the show. Speak to Travis, who's 19. Travis?

1:27:36 Caller Hey. Hey.

1:27:39 Adam What's your question?

1:27:42 Caller Me and my girlfriend have been having sex pretty much every day for the last three months. And I've had no problem going for a while, 15, 20 minutes, 25 minutes. And the last two days, it's been like after one minute, I get off and.

1:27:59 Adam Last two days?

1:28:01 Caller Yeah, just these last two days.

1:28:02 Adam All right, call us back when you get to a week.

1:28:05 Drew Two weeks.

1:28:07 Caller A year.

1:28:10 Drew No, it's not a problem.

1:28:11 Adam That's fine.

1:28:12 Drew Just relax.

1:28:12 Adam That's just you.

1:28:13 Caller You're cool.

1:28:14 Adam There's nothing we can tell you. Feet off a little, take a breath.

1:28:18 Caller Yeah.

1:28:18 Adam Take a chill pill. All right, so I'm playing a little Germany or Florida with Ted over here. Let me get the new tote board, yes, Drew? Very exciting. It's an awesome picture. It's a picture of Hitler standing next to an old guy in a banana hammock on the beach. Awesome look, by the way. I mean, look at that. He's got his arm around Hitler, and Germany or Florida. I mean, this is a keepsake. This is wonderful. And I guess, oh, we got the Velcro, got the dry erase.

1:28:50 Drew Map of Germany, map of Florida behind here.

1:28:52 Adam Oh, is that what that was?

1:28:53 Drew That's the Jacksonville.

1:28:54 Adam Fantastic. That was a piece of a puzzle. Is that Germany, really? Wow, look at Germany. Okay, let's talk to Ted here. Ted? You're 16? You've called to play a little Germany or Florida? All right, here we go.

1:29:14 Caller All right, woman goes in the garage, planning on committing suicide. She gets in her car and starts it on, not realizing that she left the door open. She has a husband and two kids in the house. The husband and two kids are in the dining room.

1:29:30 Adam Hello?

1:29:31 Caller Yeah, can you hear me?

1:29:34 Adam Ted, Mr. Personalist, too bad you weren't in the house.

1:29:36 Drew She left the door open to the garage, right?

1:29:38 Adam Yeah.

1:29:38 Drew Yeah, that's happened. That has actually, I've seen that happen, believe it or not.

1:29:41 Adam Happens a lot.

1:29:42 Caller Yeah.

1:29:42 Adam I just had a whole story on that.

1:29:45 Drew So I was in Florida.

1:29:46 Adam Did you say Florida?

1:29:48 Caller Yeah.

1:29:49 Adam Feels like Florida.

1:29:50 Drew Also the garage attached to the house.

1:29:52 Caller Yeah.

1:29:52 Drew It's Florida.

1:29:53 Adam Yeah, we're going Florida.

1:29:54 Caller Hey, you guys are correct.

1:29:58 Drew We're correct?

1:29:58 Adam We're correct?

1:29:59 Caller Yeah, Florida.

1:30:03 Adam What do I do? We both get a point? Yeah, but then how do we know what we are for what we are? We're not gonna sort it. You see what I'm saying?

1:30:11 Drew It's a total number. Just who has the, who's winning.

1:30:14 Adam Who's winning?

1:30:14 Drew Yeah.

1:30:15 Adam Oh, that's a tie. But that's not gonna say whether we're 17 for the last 25.

1:30:19 Drew No, no, no.

1:30:20 Adam It's just somewhere else. We could write that on the belly of the guy with the banana hammock.

1:30:25 Drew Overall up on the picture.

1:30:27 Adam I'll give you a point. I'm gonna give me two points. Okay, and I'm gonna write one for one. Yeah?

1:30:36 Drew No, just put a hash mark up there.

1:30:38 Adam Yeah. All right, and then what, it'll be a check if?

1:30:41 Drew No, just put, every time there's a call, you do it on this one. And every time there's an answer that we're correct, you put it down here.

1:30:47 Adam Okay, I see. So at the end, we tally up the number of calls versus the number of correct hashes. All right, so what am I doing?

1:30:57 Drew So the problem with doing that though, if we both get it right.

1:31:00 Adam I'm gonna draw pubes on the guy with the banana hammock while I'm waiting. Yeah. Yeah, Drew. I don't know about your... You work this out.

1:31:07 Drew You wanna know...

1:31:08 Adam What's your buddy? What's the Chinese guy, the math department, the business department guy over at USC? Bring him in here. Let's get this squared away with him. I don't trust you. You know what I'm saying?

1:31:20 Caller Yeah.

1:31:21 Adam I'm saying.

1:31:23 Caller Let's...

1:31:23 Adam Oh, we gotta get out of here. Let's talk to Adam over here. It's gonna be a disaster. Adam? You're 22? What's up?

1:31:33 Caller No, I'm just pretty interested in taking over your job in about five years.

1:31:37 Adam All right. You got it. I don't care, by the way. It's sort of like, I don't care who drives my car after I sell it to them. You know what I mean? It's your car. You think you'd be good at this? Oh, the best. And what about innovative ideas like accordion countdown? I guess we'd have to change it to Adam's, oh, no. Oh, it works.

1:31:59 Drew Yeah, it works.

1:32:01 Adam Well, that's enough, by the way. I'll go in and talk to the program director and it'll be like, well, he'll say, what do we do about aces? Oh, the guy's name's Adam. Oh, well, that's done.

1:32:10 Drew Perfect.

1:32:11 Adam Yeah, well, I also got a tape. Oh, no, no, save it. He's cool. Bring him in. So, yeah, what kind of ideas we bring to the table, you know, such as Germany or Florida?

1:32:20 Caller One of those public service announcements came on about the turbulence. And I'm actually working with the ad council. I'm gonna definitely ridicule them for bringing that out so often.

1:32:34 Adam Okay. But that's just sort of-

1:32:35 Caller That should be done in the next couple of years.

1:32:37 Adam Right, right. That's kind of just warming over one of my bad ideas. Yeah? Yeah.

1:32:42 Drew That's all anyone knows how to do.

1:32:43 Adam Let's take a quick break. Be right back after this.

1:32:46 Caller Okay, so I know there's nothing wrong with me. So what's up?

1:33:09 Drew This hour brought to you in part by Axe.

1:33:12 Caller Experience the Axe Effect.

1:33:32 Adam Hey everyone, it's Loveline. Anderson, you know the pardoning of the turkey ceremony that the president does on Thanksgiving?

1:33:38 Drew Yeah.

1:33:39 Adam On Thanksgiving, are you?

1:33:39 Caller Yeah, he doesn't kill them.

1:33:42 Adam And they go to a farm, and then once in a while, they do an expose on it, where they check on the turkey, how well are they actually doing?

1:33:47 Drew They go to a petting zoo.

1:33:49 Adam Yeah, but there's like a farm slash petting zoo somewhere in upstate, wherever, and it turns out they're not doing so good.

1:33:55 Drew Yeah, they usually die within a year.

1:33:57 Adam Yeah, because they get like fattened up, and they're not really, they're not made, they're not like wild turkeys. They're weird sort of diseased, you know, fat turkeys.

1:34:07 Drew You eat edible turkeys or not?

1:34:10 Adam Yeah, the ones, you know, turkeys that are in the wild, like fly and stuff, and they're, you know, you can't fly. Picture the turkey, picture a 25 pound butterball flying.

1:34:19 Drew Right, right.

1:34:20 Adam Yeah? All right, need like a huge potato cannon only to get one to fly. All right, I'm gonna take a little extendo break, a little CSI action tomorrow night, so until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying, Mahalo. I even hate myself.

1:34:35 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Aningold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Wednesday, November 17, 2004