Episode 1000657538721

0:57 Voiceover Online is meant for an adult audience. Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content. Sexually-oriented content. Listener discretion is advised. Listener discretion is advised.

1:20 Hey everyone, it's Love Line.

1:21 I'm Adam.

1:22 Voiceover That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Dr. Drew, board certified physician, addiction medicine specialist. Dr. Drew has announced he's gassy tonight. We got to look out. I was explaining to Dr. Drew when he blew gas about 40 seconds ago, and I went up with the shields call, which is pulling the sweatshirt over the nose. Drew went with the shields too and pulled his sweatshirt over his nose. I explained he can't do that. Drew doesn't know why. I'll tell you why. Because when producer Lauren comes walking into the room, and we both have shields up, then she doesn't know who dealt it.

1:58 Drew Perfect.

2:00 Adam Is there really, by the way, I don't remember when I was talking about stuff anymore. Maybe it was over at Kimmel, maybe it was here, but whoever smelt it dealt it.

2:09 Drew Oh, you and I talked about it.

2:11 Adam Was it on the air?

2:12 Drew I don't know.

2:12 Adam Can anything make less sense? I mean, logically. I mean, you're standing in an elevator, you're with Cousin Sal, he blows a mammoth fart, you start, you start retching like I'm going to vomit. Like, oh my God. Oh my God. According to that logic, I've done it because I was the one who smelt it.

2:30 Drew There you go.

2:32 Adam It's really, it's really like, it's one of those things that we've, it's one of those adages that everyone just sort of went with, you know, like the dog can't smell his own ass. You know, these kinds of things that we just go, you just kind of go with, like whoever smelt it, dog can't. Possession is nine-tenths of the law. Really? Why are they always chasing people down who've stolen things? They're actually in the stolen car, but the cops aren't. What do you mean, possession? What is nine-tenths of the law, by the way? Law comes in tenths? I never understood about three-quarters of these things. Even the S-rolls downhill, I understand what it means, but you ever take a Duke and try to, engineer Chris, you ever take a Duke, like when you're camping and try to roll it down a hill?

3:18 Drew Of course, all the time.

3:19 Adam Yeah, it just gathers berries and leaves and twigs. It barely goes anywhere. You have to keep moving it along with a paper plate.

3:27 Drew You don't push it with your nose or anything?

3:30 Adam During those father and son picnics. Yeah, strange. My dad worked for a weird place. Yeah, it's awesome. Yeah, that one, and then the other one is, you know the one where, I don't know why, but the S ones never work. The S rolls downhill and the dog can't smell something else. The other one I never liked either. You know what they mean, but then you break it down. It doesn't make any sense. Like when the guy's banging the hot secretary and the other guy goes, you don't ask where you work, man. Well, first off, I'd beg to differ, because if you head into the bathroom over a Kimmel, You don't eat where you ask? You don't ask where you eat, you don't eat where you ask.

4:10 Drew Don't ask where you work.

4:12 Adam I don't know what any of that means. Anytime the assing works and people just sort of sign off on it and move ahead.

4:19 Drew You guys certainly do damage at Kimmel. And you eat in the job.

4:22 Adam You don't ask where you eat. Yeah, I don't buy it. I understand what they're saying. Don't bang the person you work with. But do better than the ass. That's all. All right. Speaking of... Yeah, I've had an ass full of things lately, Drew. I've got things to talk about. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Elizabeth from The Apprentice in here tomorrow night. Very good show, by the way. Let me say this about The Apprentice. People don't really want to like The Apprentice. But Donald Trump, not the kind of guy you wait in line to like. You'd like to not like him, and you still cannot like him. But you have to admit it's a really good show. It's a really compelling show.

5:02 Drew I've got a million things to ask her, too.

5:04 Adam Will Arnett is in here tomorrow night from Arrested.

5:06 Drew No, Thursday night.

5:07 Adam Thursday night, I should say, from Arrested Development. All right, a couple of things I want to talk about. First off, I was reading that good old Dr. Kevorkian, the suicide assist doctor, still in jail in Michigan somewhere. Guy's 76 years old. His lawyer would like to see if he can get him paroled a little bit early because parole doesn't come up until he's like 80. And I think it's a no can do on that. But really, this is really where we want to spend our hard-earned money. This is how it's going to work. God forbid Kevorkian and Tommy Chung are both walking the streets at the same time.

5:47 Drew Dangerous. Well, you got a statement.

5:49 Adam I mean, you got a ganglion type takeover. It just drives me, it drives me berserk.

5:56 Drew I've got something along those same lines I read on Yahoo News today that the crazy people against the morning after pill have finally declared themselves. Who are they? They are going after birth control pills in general. Remember I kept saying that it doesn't make any sense, they've got to come after it. Well, pharmacists now are refusing to dispense any birth control pills.

6:18 Adam Well, I've heard that. I've heard the one. I didn't hear about all of them.

6:21 Drew It's starting to happen. It's starting to happen rather regularly now apparently. Pharmacists are sort of gathering together to get their rights. They have the right to do that. But the fact is now this thing has resented itself. You're not going to be able to have access to any form of birth control because it has a theoretic potential of interfering with implantation. We're talking about maybe one out of many, many, many, many thousands.

6:44 Adam Oh, look.

6:44 Drew Maybe hundreds of thousands of possibilities.

6:46 Adam How many times do I have to tell you, though, they're not interested in the abortion part. They're interested in the part where people are having free sex and not paying the fiddler. They don't like that part at all. That's what the abortion thing, that's what the right to lifers have always been about. It's never, not because they love, you know, every creature has a BS. You guys are the first guys to send a black guy to electric chair. You don't give a rat's ass about that. You're all about telling people what to do and not letting people get in line.

7:13 Drew And if we're going to roll it all back to reproductive, natural reproductive perfection, we're all going to have to have kids around 22. Because that's the only way, that's our nature. Otherwise, we're going to be messing with it.

7:23 Adam Right.

7:23 Drew Because at 22 is when we can still have kids without messing around. But if we're going to wait till 40, by the way, if we really follow this logic all the way down, we shouldn't be living past 40. So we just have to do away with people after 40 to make sure they sustain their proper reproduction. So we don't do anything that nature would want us to do.

7:40 Adam I agree. Well, look, here's what's going on in this kooky world. We have the crazy, Bible-thumping, right-to-life nutjobs over there that are trying to really hijack the government and set policy. On the other hand, you got your extremist, leftist, homoist, faggolas over here who are trying to get the cross taken off the Los Angeles city crest, you know, these ACLUers and these other idiot do-gooders.

8:12 Drew It's almost like they forge each other in the deep territory.

8:15 Adam Of course, because here's what happens. These ACLU homos got to come out and go, we want the Ten Commandment tablet taken off the front of the courthouse, and then Ted Nugent and his buddies fire back with, we want birth control taken out of the save-ons, and we're just stuck in the middle. All the sane people are just stuck in the middle. It's like, listen, can we have the ACLUers and the crazy right-wing retards just go at it in some sort of battle royale in Cuba and kick the ass out of each other, so sane, moderate, right-thinking, logical thinking people could just live? I don't want to spend 10 million bucks to get the cross taken off the bell tower on the Los Angeles city crest. I don't want a guy with a pneumatic sledge to take the Ten Commandment tablets off the front of the court. I don't care about that. Nobody cares about that, you idiots. But on the other hand, we want birth control, and it's not up to you guys with your fairy tale about some pine-the-sky crap and some guy in sandals who's, look, let him exact his revenge. What are you worried about? We're sinning? Fine. He'll take care of it. Your imaginary fairy tale god will take care of all of us. Won't he? What about Allah? Isn't he gonna exact his revenge? Listen, you religious nutjobs, let your fairy tale guy take care of the sinners. Remember, that's what he's gonna do. You don't have to do it. He's gonna do it. Oh, but wait a minute. He doesn't seem to get around to it, does he? Wait a minute. Maybe he doesn't exist. Oh, no. No, no. Can't think that way. Let's go blow up some tourists. Let's go shoot an abortion doctor. Of course. You're scared. You're insecure. You're pussies. And that's why you have to think that way.

10:08 Drew Just shut up. Shut up!

10:11 Adam Just go to your crappy island somewhere and you go at it with the left-wing homos.

10:16 Please, all of you.

10:17 Adam You're driving me insane.

10:19 Drew Well, what happened today? What happened? You had a ticket or something?

10:23 Adam Somebody turned right in front of you? I can't take any more talk. I can't take any more fairy-tale religious talk.

10:29 Drew Did you run into something?

10:31 Adam No.

10:31 Drew Did you have to buy gas today and deal with the guy behind the bill?

10:35 Adam I've had an ass full of everybody. Just please. I hate all of you. Let the sane people in the middle just get along.

10:45 Drew Is just reading articles flipped you out today?

10:47 Adam I tell you, I feel like I got a condo and it's in between the Hatfields and the McCoys. The Hatfields right-wing Bible-thumping retards, McCoys, ACLU homos. Boom! We got to go at it right on my front lawn. Just please, all of you, just go home, would you? Nobody's interested in your crappy agenda. Stop ruining it for everybody. Just look. You're religious? Go read your Bible. Go. Go. While your kids go gay. Go read your Bible. Go read your Bible. Just go read your Bible and shut up. Nobody wants to hear your crap. And it'd be nice, by the way. And look, if you really believed it, you wouldn't be coming after everybody. Anyway, ACLUers, please disband and go do something. Go hand out condoms down at the gay bar. Go do something. Don't just sit around and harass. Stop harassing everybody. Just go break up and go do something useful. Would you please? Or look, you got a beef, go yell at your dad. That's who you're mad at. Leave us alone. Thank you. Thank you, Drew.

11:51 Go ahead.

11:52 Drew I was just thinking about we should advocate Christian egalitarian virtue. And that means accepting everybody.

12:02 I know.

12:02 Adam But just shut up with your fairy tales.

12:06 Drew But I think the point you're making is people shouldn't be imposing anything on one another.

12:09 Adam Well, look. Which is true.

12:11 Look.

12:11 Drew But by the way, the pharmacists... I think the pharmacists do have a right not to dispense the stuff, by the way. I think that's fine.

12:16 Adam Whatever. They have the right to get fired, too. You know, you have the right to use the F-word on the air and the boss has the right to fire you.

12:23 Drew And the customers have the right to boycott the businesses, the whole pharmacists.

12:27 Adam That's the way it should be.

12:28 Drew That's fine.

12:29 Adam That's the way it should be. Look, I'm fine with that. All I'm saying is, listen, right-wingers, you got your beliefs, so does the Taliban. Hey, Taliban?

12:39 Drew I cannot judge. Taliban? Worse.

12:42 Adam Hesedic?

12:43 Drew Worse.

12:43 Adam Hey, it's their beliefs. Can't argue. And the Hesedic Jews? They got their beliefs. Everyone's right. Or everyone's wrong. And one of you can't be right. I know you all think you are. But just as much as you think you're right, Taliban thinks they're right. So there you go. Enjoy, you idiots. I'll see you in hell. Fantastic. And by the way, shouldn't you guys be heading up to the mountain? Rapture's coming. Oh, any time. Oh, beliefs. Oh, beliefs. Believe me, it's coming in your lifetime, in your lifetime, in your lifetime, it's coming, it's coming, it's coming. Just like your dad thought it was coming, just like his dad, just like his dad and his dad and his dad and his dad and his dad, it's coming, coming, coming, coming. Oh, it's coming. Any second now. Wait, quit your job. Get that launch here. Head out to the mountain. Don't even bring a coat.

13:28 Drew It's coming. Yeah?

13:29 Adam Yeah, it's coming.

13:30 Drew I think we need a little sort of evenness tonight. Oh, please.

13:35 Adam Can anyone tell these people to shut up?

13:36 Drew Yes, I think we need some wisdom. It's not happening. We need a wisdom from the Amerindians. We need a little wisdom from the-

13:41 I'm too fired up to do it.

13:43 Drew I can't.

13:43 Adam I can't. We'll have a- Listen, I'm just tired of being held at bay by all the religious idiots. I'm tired of us of having respect for Islam. I'm tired of the Christian right. I'm tired of the seed of Jews. I'm tired of all you people. It's a fairy tale.

13:57 Drew Shut up.

13:58 Adam Keep it to yourself.

13:59 Drew Shut up.

14:01 Adam No one wants to hear about your retarded beliefs.

14:03 Drew Shut up.

14:04 Adam We don't care. Do you understand? It's not our belief. You know what my belief is? No belief. The only thing I know is that you idiots are wrong. That's it. If you had a shred of, if you had one shred of proof, you'd shut up. But you can't. So you're insecure. So you have to smear your crap on everyone and rub your stink on everyone. Just shut up. Just shut up. Just here's what you do. You guys, focus on effing your kids up with your crap indoctrinating them and your crappy religion and brainwashing them so they hate you later. Focus on that. Then when you're done with that, you can work on the pharmacist. How about that? How about just getting your kids brainwashed? That's big enough. You know, with MTV, satellite and the internet these days, it's tough to brainwash a kid. You guys focus on brainwashing your kid and your retarded religion, and then you'll focus on the rest of us. And by the way, here's the thing. We're too old and we're too smart. We can't be brainwashed with your retardism. Just eff up your own kids. Really? Seriously. All religious? All religion? I don't care what you are. Focus on effing up your kids. That's your immediate goal. Do that. Brainwash them. Fantastic. Let us move on with our lives. Let the sane people move on.

15:11 Drew Religion is good for people.

15:12 Adam It's great. It's great for idiots. It's great for stupid people. Yes, they don't have to think so much. It's tough when you have to think. It's scary, Drew. Uh-oh, I might die. Uh-oh, things bad may happen to me for no good reason. Uh-oh, there may not be a plan. Oh, ho, ho. No plan. Now I'm scared. There's got to be a plan. I got a plan. Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. It's a good thing. It's a good thing. Why don't we invent a religion for animals? Aren't they scared? They get run over all the time. Let's get something, uh, caninism for cats. Help nap a little more. Yeah, let's invent a religion for animals, too. Idiots. Just shut up, all you idiots. Micah. Oh, no. I wouldn't care if you just, you know, here's the thing. Kevorkian's in the joint and chicks can't get birth control because of you guys. That's my feeling. That's why I don't like you. If you just shut up and brainwash your kids so that they hate you later, that'd be fine. That'd be fine with me. But you won't do it. You got to spread it out. And we have to be respectful. We have to be, well, we have to show reverence for these people.

16:20 Drew Stand back and just think abstractly for a second. Wouldn't the world be a better place if people were contained by religious feelings? Yeah. If their behaviors were... Oh, sure.

16:29 Adam Yeah, no. The whole Middle East, they pray four times a day. That's all they do is pray. They're very devout. How dare you? They're very religious people over there, Drew. They can't work. They have to pray so much. They do nothing but pray. Of course, it's all worked out. Religion has contained them just fine. There's no violence over there. And they treat, oh, they treat their ladies. Oh, my God. They're like a Commodore song. That's how well they treat their ladies over there. Yeah, fine. Religion. No, it's perfect for them. No, but the atheists, these are... Prisons filled with atheists. Oh, yeah. Atheists do nothing. They never stop acting out. Yeah, sure. They're wild. They're out of control. Micah? Twenty-one?

17:15 Yeah.

17:16 Adam What's up?

17:18 I've been having problems on and off for about a year and a half with my inner labia swelling during sex.

17:25 Adam Yeah.

17:26 Drew Uh-uh.

17:27 Inner? We switched off of condoms with spermicide and it went away for a while and then every once in a while it just comes back and it's real sporadic.

17:35 Adam Do you need the condoms with spermicide anymore? I mean, does that really do anything? I mean, if the condom breaks, it breaks, right?

17:42 Yeah, I'm on the pill, too. That's why we stopped using those. That was just like we had grabbed them at the store one time.

17:49 Drew No special reason. Okay. There was a whole thing with the World Health Organization worrying that it may actually enhance HIV transmission, but that's really not a big deal. All right, so how long are you guys having sex before the irritation occurs?

18:03 Sometimes it's like 10 minutes and sometimes it's like an hour.

18:07 Drew An hour you're going to have pain. I mean, that's just normal.

18:11 I don't have that combined.

18:12 Drew In a week? In a month?

18:14 Adam No, I'm just...

18:14 Drew In your life?

18:15 Adam I'm saying combined, bro.

18:16 I'm not putting a time on it.

18:18 Adam I'm just saying combined.

18:19 Drew And have you ever seen any ulcers or sores or anything there?

18:23 Adam No. So no hercules?

18:25 It's just been like we've switched to different kinds of lubricants and sometimes like some of them will do it like I'll use KY and it'll bother me and then I'll switch to something else and it won't and then I'll use KY again later and nothing happens.

18:38 Drew I think, Adam, just the way the pharmacists are not dispensing, not allowing the distribution of birth control, we have to have a new sort of cause. It needs to be making sure that these guys don't have sex for so long with these poor women. It's a bad precedent and it hurts them.

18:56 Adam I know. Your vagina, you're going to be 30, your vagina is going to be 72.

19:01 Drew I mean, it's not like you can't buy a new mitt, a new glove.

19:05 Adam No. It's going to be like a delivery van at a shop. You know what I mean? It's like three years old but it's got 170,000 miles on it. The guy's striding the hell out of it. That's what it's going to be like. It's all worn in.

19:20 Drew Let's see. Keep that going. But Michael, the fact is that you really can go too long and that your body tells you when it's too long by getting irritated. You go ahead and back off a little bit.

19:32 Adam You ready to rock?

19:33 Drew Yeah.

19:34 Amy?

19:34 Drew Hi.

19:36 Adam 20?

19:38 Huh?

19:39 Adam What's up, baby doll?

19:40 Oh, nothing much. Um, my boyfriend, like, when we're having sex, sometimes he'll, like, come really fast and then it'll hurt him really, really bad down there, like to the point where he's almost, like, screaming when he reaches orgasm. And I've never been with a guy like that before.

19:57 Drew Be screaming because it hurts him or because he's having a good time? Hurts him.

20:02 Adam Wow.

20:03 Drew And he says this is pain?

20:05 Yeah. Or like a stinging kind of pain.

20:09 Adam And boy, that's a bad sign. And where is he doing his business? In you?

20:17 Yeah. Well, we use a condom.

20:20 Adam Oh, okay. Smart.

20:23 Drew Some guys, you can get irritation of the urethra with orgasm. You get some stinging sort of down the pipe. But that wouldn't cause somebody to scream in pain. And there's another kind of pain where you get a pubococcygeal muscle spasm, sort of a visceral kind of a discomfort. Again, not a screaming pain.

20:40 Adam Well, isn't it... If you have pain, let's say excruciating pain with orgasm, if it's excruciating...

20:49 Drew I think it's safe to say the urologist.

20:52 Adam Okay. And would it be more likely that it's a venereal disease? No, because a venereal disease would be stinging, right?

21:01 Drew Herpes.

21:02 Adam But not...

21:03 Drew Not exquisite pain. No, no, no. That would be more like a stone or maybe a varicoseal or something like that. Some sort of mechanical problem.

21:12 Adam Wait a minute. Can you get a... Can you pass a stone with a semen coming through?

21:16 Drew The tapioca pudding looking stuff?

21:18 Adam No, I mean passing a stone. That'd be cool.

21:21 Drew No.

21:23 Adam You know what I mean? Musket.

21:25 Drew Have you seen those air guns that fire those little... Be like that.

21:28 Adam Be like a paint gun.

21:29 Drew Yeah, a paint gun. Yeah. Be great.

21:32 Adam Drew played paint gun three days ago. That's explaining it to me.

21:36 Drew Well, they have pellet guns now too. They don't just do paint balls. They put these little pellets in the freezer and fire them at each other.

21:42 Adam People shoot... Oh, but they're frozen.

21:45 Drew They're pellets.

21:46 Adam Paint pellets?

21:47 Drew They're not paint.

21:48 Adam Why are they freezing them?

21:49 Drew To make them sting, hurt when they hit.

21:51 Adam Why do you have to... Even engineer Chris knows what I'm talking about. Look, I don't have to freeze a bullet, do I? Still hurts.

21:58 Drew I know. I don't know why maybe they're rubbery and they get harder and stinger.

22:02 Adam Oh, they're rubber?

22:03 Drew Yeah, they're like pellets, like a hard rubber pellet.

22:05 Adam Oh, well, that's different. A pellet is... They have pellet guns. They're pellets. They're lead. They're metal.

22:11 Drew These, I don't think are metal.

22:12 Adam All right. Well, and I keep saying why they freeze them. You say they're rubber.

22:15 Drew Plus, the liquid in the middle. No, that's the paint guns.

22:18 Adam That's the paint guns.

22:19 Drew They have actually... It's the same place. There's these guys that compete with pellets.

22:24 Adam All right, but they freeze them because they're not... They're rubber. They're soft.

22:28 Drew Yeah, well, they're softer.

22:30 Adam I like when people do... I like that part of... Only guys do this, by the way, where somebody says, look, we got to make these things out of rubber. If we make them out of... We use the metal ones. They're going to tear the skin. Someone's going to get hurt. Someone's going to lose an eye. We'll just use them out of rubber so we can do the combat. All right, let's freeze them. Then we'll shave them down and we'll dip them in hippo dung so they get infected. Okay, thanks. True sportsman, by the way. Yeah, what a competitor.

23:00 Drew Religious man, though.

23:01 Adam All right. Just please, everyone shut up with your kooka.

23:04 Drew Amy, your boyfriend needs a serologist, okay? He really does. I kind of have a funny feeling, though, that he may just be sort of crying out at the moment and then gets embarrassed and goes, oh, well, I was hurt, hurt. That's why I did that. I wonder if he's sort of backing down and embarrassed because there's not many things will give you excruciating pain with orgasm.

23:23 Adam All right, let's just take a quick break. Now, let me just say this before we go to break, just a quick explanation of my horrible tirade at the top of the show, which is I'm not a fan of the Christian right because they're screwing everything up for the most part. On the other hand, the Jews, the Muslims, all you Scientologists, all you nut jobs, you ain't any right or wrong. You're all wrong. OK? So again, all you do your thing, shut up. Please shut up. And those of you who are atheists or agnostic or whatever, please stop having so much reverence for these nut jobs. Please stop respecting them. Please join me when I tell them to shut up. Everyone's had an ass full of their retardism. Thank you. And that's all you. So you can't get mad at me because the Christians would agree with me that the Jews are wrong, the Jews agree with me that the Muslims are wrong. You'd all agree that each other are wrong except for you. No magical you. Yeah. Yeah, there's there's 500 religions out there. But you pick the right one.

24:30 Yeah, keep thinking that way.

24:32 Adam Take a quick break. We'll be right back. Hey, everybody. It's the Loveline. I'm Adam. And it's back to Drew. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Elizabeth in here from The Apprentice tomorrow night. Great show. Will Arnett in here tomorrow night from Arrested Development.

25:04 Drew Which one is Elizabeth?

25:06 Adam She's the one with the, she's the chick who wears the smart business suits. Oh, okay, okay.

25:12 Drew I remember now.

25:13 Adam She's not the Asian one.

25:14 Drew She the attorney of the smallest, shortest one.

25:16 Oh, the little schnoz on her.

25:19 Adam We're gonna find out tomorrow night. I think she is. I'm gonna check into that. Hey, engineer Chris, what's happening, buddy?

25:26 Drew What's going on?

25:27 Adam I know.

25:27 Drew Chris is all smiles these days, you know what I'm saying?

25:29 Adam I didn't offend him in my religious rant because I didn't cover Santeria. That's his thing. Sure, yeah. He's still got the chicken blood on him. Check his cuticles. Got chicken blood on him. Look at all his pork. Check the apprentice there. Find Elizabeth and see which one she is. Because I think you're right, Drew. I think she's the attorney one. Sharp, oh, that boardroom. Oh, it gets tense. I love to see everyone turn on each other. And by the way, chicks just immediately, oh, they sell each other down the river immediately. It's great. All right, you ready to go?

26:02 Drew See that one with the PR one. There's a PR girl.

26:05 Adam Some of those chicks are foxy. And by the way, you know this thing that women think that guys don't like or are intimidated, we're so intimidated by women. Are you kidding? No, we got a boner a mile long.

26:16 Drew Yes. Well, the guys have categories one through eight.

26:21 Adam Well, they gotta be hot. That's how it works.

26:23 Drew And then if you add on prowess, competency, it's like that.

26:27 Adam Oh yeah.

26:28 Drew Let's just square it.

26:29 Adam No, I know. It's very convenient for you women to go, oh, guys don't want to, oh, honey, the minute you start thinking the guy's gonna be done with you and all that kind of stuff, nothing could be further from the truth. We would love it if a hot chick was smart. They just rarely are. And we'll take hot in that case. But if you're hot and smart and you got a great sense of humor and you make more money than I do and whatever, maybe you'll be down in the basement staring at Bunsen burners and beakers all, I'll just be behind you, giving it to you. Getting you with a graduated cylinder. I don't mind, just go ahead, think away. Feel free to think. Here's the problem is when women are smart, they use their brains for evil.

27:13 Drew How's that? Because you're not gonna miss a single category tonight. You're gonna hit everybody. So go ahead.

27:18 Adam Here's what I'm saying. When a guy's really smart, he starts thinking about building bridges. Women get really smart. They start thinking about effing with their man, the turn on him. They're gonna use that brain on him. They're like, you know what, they're like convicts. It's like, you get a smart convict, he thinks about getting out. It's about getting out of prison. That's all he thinks about. Smart guys, we just walk around. Like genius guy and genius girl could be married. The genius guy, he'd just be staring at the expanse of a river trying to figure out how to get a bridge or a tunnel in it and the chicks just be standing next to him thinking, how am I gonna tear him anyway? That's how it works, Drew. Oh yes, oh yes.

27:55 Drew What is that?

27:56 Adam They're evil. They use their binds for evil.

28:00 Drew That's why, maybe that's why they feel the guys don't like it, they're smart, because they're, that's where guys get fearful.

28:05 Adam I think that's, and that's why.

28:06 Drew Maybe that's your fantasy about what they're gonna do.

28:08 Adam Let me explain something too. Again, there's gonna be more offending going on.

28:12 Drew Everybody's sitting on edge, I'm shocked.

28:14 Adam That's why you don't want a chick that's too smart.

28:16 Drew Because why?

28:17 Adam Well, let me explain.

28:18 Drew I know you will anyway.

28:19 Adam I'll tell you why.

28:20 Drew Dude, tell me.

28:21 Adam You want a smart dog, right? Yeah. You think you do, until it keeps figuring out ways to get over the fence, open the door.

28:28 Drew No, but a really smart dog doesn't run away. They're interested in, they know where the food is.

28:33 Adam Really smart dogs, yeah, but they know where the food is because they can actually work the latch on the pantry door and get into the thing.

28:39 Drew We have dogs like that.

28:40 Adam I know.

28:40 Drew They do not, they do not.

28:41 Adam They're smarter, they're smarter than you are, Drew.

28:44 Oh yeah.

28:44 Adam I'm just saying, you want a dopey, lovable dog.

28:46 Yeah.

28:47 Adam Just hanging around. You know, just wants to cuddle, just wants to hang out. Know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. What do you find there, speaking of smart dogs?

29:00 Drew Lots of pictures of the princess. Yeah, Elizabeth.

29:03 Adam You got Elizabeth?

29:04 Drew Well, all of them.

29:05 So, I don't, it doesn't really give you the names of.

29:07 Adam Doesn't really give you the names?

29:09 Drew It doesn't help us, Chris.

29:10 Adam It doesn't give you the names.

29:10 Drew I know.

29:11 Adam All right, here we go.

29:12 Drew You gotta get the names.

29:13 Adam Hold on, what do you want in an engineer? Cause I know what we got. He ain't getting over the fence, I'll tell you that.

29:21 Drew So, that's good, see?

29:25 Adam He's not escaping this studio, I'll tell you that. All right, fine, Elizabeth, buddy, come on.

29:29 You want it to be on the air, you're on the air.

29:31 Drew I'm on the air.

29:34 Adam Toya?

29:36 Yes?

29:37 Adam 24?

29:38 Yes, I am.

29:39 Adam What's happening?

29:41 Well, ever since I came home from the Navy, I've noticed that the guys that I hang around, I actually get physically ill around them, like, you know, especially at part of having sex with, like, you know, my boyfriend.

29:55 Drew Is that because you've been around guys too much?

29:59 No, actually, no, I don't, it's like just, you know, some of the guys, you know, just people that I've hung out with before I left to go overseas and-

30:06 Drew No, no, no, while you were overseas, were you exposed to something unpleasant?

30:11 No, actually, that's where it's like, I wasn't sick while I was over there, it's just since I've been home.

30:16 Drew All right, Toya, we don't know you, so we have to ask some questions about what you've been through.

30:20 Adam Sorry, baby doll, let me talk to Toya. What kind of vessel were you on, sailor?

30:28 A subtender.

30:29 Adam Subtender. That means you restocked the sub?

30:34 Yes.

30:35 Adam Okay, all right, hold on a second. By the way, I figured before I started doing this radio show that if you said you were in the Air Force, you flew a plane. Right. If you're doing the Navy, where were you? Rear Admiral? Or you're the guy who fired the.50 caliber off the back of the ship, or launched a depth charger. You know, sent them home. Everyone we talked to is just, they work on a laundry ship, or they do something. They do something with the personnel, support. Yeah, you just realize now, when you think about an Army and Navy, a fighting force, a very small percentage is actually doing it. For every one guy that's actually dodging bullets or firing a torpedo, there's 200,000 people that are like restocking, refueling, redoing paperwork, administration, I mean, it's like a school. I mean, even bigger.

31:27 Drew It's almost like an NFL football team, or something. Yeah, there's teams out in the field.

31:30 Adam Couple guys on play, yeah, and there's a bunch of trainers, yeah, all right. So Toya.

31:35 I was actually a machinist mate.

31:40 Adam You were a machinist mate? Yes, I was. So what did you guys do? So you would restock the nuclear sub?

31:50 Yeah, actually what our ship did was, it was a repair, it would follow the subs wherever they went and whatever they needed, be it a medical, they needed like some type of...

32:01 Drew How does that work? Were subs supposed to be on secret missions and you had just go ahead and follow the supply ship?

32:06 Adam They stayed about 75, 80 feet behind.

32:09 What would happen is that they would send a message out and we would meet them somewhere like say Taiwan, Korea, Hong Kong, stuff like that. Whatever they were doing missions at then they'll go to like a US area.

32:26 Adam And so your ship was just like a big floating home depot for subs?

32:32 That's right.

32:35 Adam Oh, hold on a second. You just think, you just, first off, just picture-

32:38 Drew It's Walmart, Adam, Walmart.

32:39 Adam Picture the ship. She was, well, I was thinking home depot, I was thinking hardware.

32:42 Drew But it's gotta be like food and they can't talk about administrative, they gotta have administrative stuff. No, no, wait.

32:50 Adam Maybe there was food, but see, she did machinist stuff and they were fixing the sub, yeah. Toya.

32:59 Yes?

33:00 Adam Were you guys giving them more potatoes and didn't eat more stew or were you more mechanical?

33:06 Both. It was mostly more mechanical though, but if they needed food stocks or something like that, we would have them in whatever stores we had on board.

33:15 Adam Wow, oh yeah, whatever you had on board. But that was, yeah, so there was primary, no, no, here's what they were. They were like, when the truck enters the Baja 500, they just keep going ahead to the next stage as it pulls in, they change the air filter, they change the tire, they keep it going. It's mechanical. I give the guy six-foot sub.

33:34 Drew Okay, so Toya.

33:36 Adam Wayne, I'm not done being done with this. Toya? Yeah, so what's the coolest thing you saw in your travels?

33:47 Well, the coolest thing was about the first time we went underway. One of the guys on the ship, we had what you call a still picnic. And it's like basically all hands, they get together, meet together. And one of the guys, he called a marlin.

34:04 Adam Off the side of the ship?

34:06 Yes.

34:07 Adam Never think about these guys fishing, but why not?

34:12 Well, it was basically what we were doing was what you call a sea cadet. A mission where we brought on, you had like a lot of kids that are, you know, like you have ROTC for.

34:23 Adam Yeah, they have the cadets.

34:25 So we went like a tour around the island and we brought the sea cadets on board. And they took a couple of them fishing. And one of the guys, he called a marlin and it took about three shots with the M16 to the head to actually kill it.

34:39 Adam Yeah. A very valuable lesson for those 12 and 13 year olds on the boat. Yeah. All right. Well, fantastic. That's, you know, you don't think of the Navy as killing fish. You know, you see them as killing the, you know, foreign, foreign powers. But hey, if you give some fish getting away or you got to practice on a fish, I say, so be it. M16 to the head. Three. By the way, I'm not saying you're lying, but I bet you if you just gave it to, it would have died at some point. You know what I'm saying?

35:12 Drew I'm firing from off the not sure.

35:14 Adam Probably gave it. Give the gun to the kids.

35:16 Drew Yeah, of course.

35:17 Adam All right. So, Toya, you're now you're now out of there.

35:23 Drew And you weren't you weren't traumatized there and didn't see any horrible action.

35:27 Adam What about as a child? Were you ever traumatized?

35:30 Now, I I do remember when I was younger, I was probably like about between four and six. Any time that I went to my grandmother's house, one of my my uncle was a drug addict and one of his friends, you know, he would always be hanging around with hanging around with me. And, you know, he'd try to stuck on my toes or do some type of weird thing. You know, nothing actually happened. But, you know, it's the idea that, you know, I actually knew something could happen.

36:01 Adam So, I mean, usually people who get sort of physically ill with the guys were abused in some way, shape or form.

36:11 Drew And then you're around guys in a closed space and you get exposed to what men are actually about. And it's like, oh, you sort of shudder.

36:17 Adam But also, yeah, how many, what percentage of women were on that ship?

36:21 Well, there are about about 25, 30 percent. But I was actually the only female that was working inside of my division. But I didn't think that would be the reason why, because it was actually happening before I went to the military. But it stopped, so I figured, you know, maybe whatever was going on, you know.

36:40 Drew Have you ever had sex?

36:42 Yes, yes. Actually, I was involved in the military. When I turned 21, I actually lost my...

36:50 Drew Twenty-one lost your virginity.

36:52 Adam One of the cadets? Well, why not?

36:59 Drew Well, the other thing, you weren't hit up, you weren't hit with a bunch of vaccines or anything. Could be making you have any reaction now, right? You're not otherwise physically ill.

37:08 You mean like a, like a guzzle or...?

37:11 Drew No, no, I mean like the way people got a Gulf War syndrome back in the day. Nothing like that's happening to you guys now as you return back.

37:22 Adam No, listen, by the way, she's just cruising around. She ain't, she ain't a ground pounder.

37:28 Drew Right, right, right.

37:29 Adam She's floating around out there talking to the sub. Those nuclear subs never have to surface anymore.

37:37 Drew Really?

37:37 Adam They never, well, they never have to refuel. They never have to resurface, they never have to refuel.

37:42 Drew They've always been that way though.

37:43 Adam What way?

37:46 Drew Never have to refuel.

37:46 Adam Well, refuel or resurface.

37:49 Drew Well, why before did they have to resurface? They've always been nuclear, they've been recently nuclear powered and that means they don't have to surface, right?

37:55 Adam Right. Well, World War II subs had to run on the surface 80% of the time.

38:02 Drew Why?

38:03 Adam Because the only time they could run underwater is off their batteries.

38:07 Drew Oh, interesting.

38:08 Adam People don't know that because they needed oxygen for their diesel engines. Oh, wow. And they had to run up top to charge their batteries.

38:16 Drew Interesting.

38:17 Adam Back in the day. It's crazy. There were recharging batteries in 1938, you know. I mean, I know the war was a little later, but they had them in World War I, too. Yeah, and back in the day, subs couldn't stay underwater very long. And when they could stay underwater, they could only make like eight knots. They went really slow, and they could go fast with their diesel engines up top, but they didn't go underwater very long. And that's where they would get them because they would have to surface all the time. And when they surface, that's when the planes got them, and that's when they picked them off.

38:47 Drew You learned something from that Hitler channel.

38:50 Adam I know, they call it the History channel, but let's just call it a spade of spade and call it the Hitler channel. And then if something else comes up, if you get enough other program, it doesn't involve Hitler. Really, it's like Hitler's mustache, Hitler's reading glasses, Hitler's wives. Like this Saturday, Hitler's sidecar. It's nothing but Hitler stuff. Hitler's school teacher, Hitler's dog. It's just never ending Hitler's finger paintings. Hitler did, Hitler's shoes. It's nothing but Hitler stuff. But once while they break away, they'll do like Hitler's sub. And they'll learn something about subs. Yeah, they had to go up top. You know, back in the day, subs were boats that went underwater. They were essentially boats. If you see, picture the shape of an old sub.

39:35 It's a boat.

39:36 Adam The new subs ain't a boat.

39:39 Right. It's a missile.

39:40 Adam It's a torpedo tube. Yeah, it's a missile. It's a torpedo, yeah. All right, let's take a little break. What do you say there, bud?

39:46 Drew Sounds good.

39:47 Adam That's the thing about the nuclear stuff. Can go for 50 years.

39:52 Drew What people don't understand is that it's not like some nuclear energy is emitting the energy for the engine. It's just creating heat and boiling water.

40:00 Adam Yeah, as long as we're not talking about anything tonight, let me just tell you something.

40:03 Drew Well, it diverts you from pissing people off.

40:07 Adam This is essentially a rock that never stops creating heat. And they just keep dumping water on it, and it just keeps creating steam, and it just keeps turning a turbine, and that thing just keeps going. That's it. I know a lot of people think nuclear power is some sort of fusion that's going on, that's some sort of crazy science.

40:26 Drew The sun is creating...

40:29 Adam Here's what it is. Here's what nuclear power is. 150 years ago, they had a steam train. This is a never-ending piece of coal. That's it. Oils, the water, that's it. All right?

40:41 Drew All right.

40:42 Adam Take a quick... Engineer Chris over there, what's going on?

40:46 Drew I got her bio and I got her pictorial. You cool?

40:49 Adam Did you get the... Did you get the nuclear power thing?

40:53 Drew Yeah, sure. He wasn't following. He was too anxious to tell you bio. All right, buddy.

40:57 Adam All right. We'll take a quick break. Be right back after this. What are women most attracted to?

41:10 Drew Confident guys.

41:11 Adam That's right. You can't buy that confidence. At least you couldn't until now.

41:15 Drew What do we got?

41:16 Adam You got Axe, Deodorant, Body Spray.

41:25 Hey, everybody, it's Loveline and Adam, that's Dr. Drew.

41:29 Adam Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Elizabeth, as it turns out, is the hot blonde one from The Apprentice. Poor girl, got railroaded, as she's telling Drew, over potties that she got tossed out. That was the week before last. Well, anyway, she's hot, so we'll have her in here tomorrow night. Then Will Arnett and Jason Bateman in here. Jason Bateman has joined Will in Arrested Development, gonna be in here tomorrow night. And it's nice, you know why? That's Will, because those two came in here, first off, super friendly guys. And I don't mean BS friendly, because we can tell the difference between friendly and crazy friendly and actually nice friends.

42:07 Drew Enthusiastic and friendly, too.

42:09 Adam Down to earth, well adjusted, good guys. Both of them good guys. Came in here eight months ago.

42:16 Drew Before the show aired.

42:17 Adam Yeah, when was it?

42:18 Drew I think a year or so ago.

42:19 Adam A year ago? More than a year? Not more than a year.

42:22 Drew Anyway, first time was about a year ago. Go with me.

42:25 Adam A little less. Point is, is humble as all could be. Oh no, they're just gonna be coked up. Couple of bitches in ours.

42:32 Drew We've seen it twice since then and they hadn't changed at all.

42:35 Adam Oh, we have?

42:35 Drew Yeah.

42:36 Adam Oh, we did? They came in twice?

42:40 Drew I think they've been in three times.

42:41 Adam No.

42:42 Drew Definitely twice. Really? Definitely twice.

42:44 Adam The point is, is the last time they came in here, it was minus all the Emmys.

42:49 Drew Yes.

42:50 Adam And they were a good show, but they weren't all pumped up because they weren't getting the kind of ratings they wanted. Then they really cleaned up at the Emmys. I mean, they were the story of the Emmys. Yes?

43:01 Drew Yes. So, I'm sure they'll be pumped up and coked up, like you said.

43:05 Adam Yeah, sure. Engineer Chris like raises his hand and he ducks in an absolute bottle, just goes flying over his head. They speak with British accents now, they're doing the coke, off they have the coke ring, a little snuff ring. A little ring.

43:22 Drew Nice.

43:22 Adam Yeah, coke ring. Are you ready to go?

43:25 Drew There you go.

43:27 Adam Stacey? 26? What's up?

43:32 I'm calling because I've been wrestling with this problem for almost a year now. I'm in love with my ex's brother.

43:40 Drew What do you mean you're in love with him?

43:44 I have severely strong feelings for him and I've been trying to fight them for a long time now and I keep running into him in weird places and I don't know, it's really bothering me.

43:58 Drew Have you ever, hang on, have you ever dated him?

44:00 No.

44:01 Drew Do you have any kind of relationship with him outside of what's going on in your head?

44:07 He's asked me out.

44:10 Drew But you've never had a relationship of any type with him?

44:12 No, but you know, I.

44:14 Drew How can you be in love with somebody?

44:17 And I know him really well.

44:19 Drew Do you have a long history of chaotic relationships?

44:22 No.

44:23 Drew It's easier to be.

44:24 But I can tell you what the main issue is, is that when I separated with my ex, he tried to kill himself, which makes it even worse.

44:36 Drew Why would I say there was chaos at her relationships? How dare I?

44:39 Well, no, this is something that I got out of because we were friends for a long time and I didn't know these issues because I was in a different relationship. So anyway.

44:50 Drew Hang on here, Stacey.

44:53 Adam I'd say, well, look, trying to kill yourself after a relationship.

44:57 Drew She jumped from one into this one with the guy who tried to kill himself.

45:01 Adam Look, I can hear in Stacey's voice that something is wrong with her or up with her. Something's going on. I'm not sure what. Stacey?

45:13 What you hear in my voice is that I'm really depressed about it and that's it. I'm a really smart person. That's why I'm really conflicted about this.

45:24 Drew The person is a really old friend. Well, there should be no conflict. There should be no conflict.

45:28 Adam Conflict?

45:29 Drew Conflict.

45:29 Adam Why?

45:29 Drew You just don't do this. Well, and I agree. They're broken up. This is an ex-boyfriend who tried to kill himself because she broke up with him. Now she's gonna go out with the brother. Why do you even give that a second thought? Why not? And how do you think you're in love with somebody that you've been infatuated with? And by the way, is somebody that under no circumstances are you gonna have a relationship?

45:47 Adam Hold on a second. How dare you? First off, how did this ex-boyfriend try to kill himself?

45:53 Well, he split his wrists and took pills. And what he did was he drove his car where nobody would find him, but somebody did.

46:04 How did somebody find him?

46:06 Well, I guess driving down the road, wondering who's on the side of the road this late at night.

46:11 Drew And before this guy, you were with somebody else and you cheated on that relationship?

46:15 No, oh God, no. No, no, no, no, I'm, that's why this is hard for me, is I'm a person of morals and I was a friend with my recent ex for a year.

46:28 Adam I'm with you, by the way. Why did you break up with the guy, the first guy?

46:32 Because, you mean with my ex, the brother?

46:36 Drew Your ex-boyfriend, yes.

46:37 Yeah, well, because of his emotions. I couldn't take it and I knew it wasn't a healthy relationship, so I left.

46:44 Adam What was he doing?

46:46 Just up and down, up and down. He's supposedly on medication now, counseling, getting help, but I got out of that because it's not healthy and I'm conflicted about it because I don't date, I'm starting law school.

47:01 Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, quiet.

47:05 Adam God, I wish I had this button for everybody.

47:07 Drew You're gonna be great.

47:07 Adam Tell them to shut up three times and then there's a pound. All right, they might be able to go out. I'm gonna talk, we'll be fast, but we'll come back, we'll get with Stacey.

47:16 Drew No way, but we'll have a nice discussion about it.

47:19 Adam Okay, after this.

47:21 Here it is, bottom line, it sucks being single today.

47:24 Tons of lame people and no decent prospects. Call the Dateline, call the Dateline, call the Dateline. 1-877-889-DATE. Loveline will be right back, so get your problems ready.

47:48 Hey, everybody, it's Loveline.

47:50 Adam That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LLVE-191-ER. All right, we were speaking to Stacey last. Drew hates attorneys. Stacey said she was heading into law school. I was, I can't stand attorneys either, by the way. I can't stand, you know what, you know what's starting to drive me nuts? Crazy disclaimers on everything all the time, stickers on everything everywhere, all this nonsense of the attorneys. And let's be fair, not only the horrible attorneys, but you horrible people with your frivolous lawsuits are just grinding the system to a halt, who should really, please, those of you who've filed more than one lawsuit in your life, eh, you know what, I'm lenient. I'm gonna say two, please just eat a bullet. Please just blow your head off. Please do everyone a favor. You're horribly flawed. Just put, eat a bullet, would you? Stop screwing up the system. I can't, I've never sued anyone. How did I make it so long without suing anyone? Never called the cops, never sued anyone. Please eat a bullet, you people. And you people with the 18 lawsuits, you need to follow my sword. You really do. Please, look in the mirror. Dignity, everybody. By the way, once you get to your 15th or 16th lawsuit, you really get a 17th and 18th? That's the way. And everyone is like, yeah, but what if it really happened on the 18th time? Sorry, you burned it. What about the boy who cried wolf? Does he get help on a 20th cry? Nope. Should have thought about it on the first 15 frivolous ones. So I'm watching TV and there's this Ford, I don't know, F-150 truck commercial. And they're like, we take our trucks so seriously that one case-hardened bolt from the bed, take one bolt from the bed, we hook it up to a U-Joint and we hook it up to a cable and then we tie that to a winch and we actually tow this F-4 250's two-and-a-half ton vehicle up by its bumper using only the one bolt that holds the bed liner in. And then the guy at the clipboard, of course, stands. And by the way, what do you think the ratio between folks in commercials with clipboards and folks in life with clipboards are? I'd say it's a huge, huge difference.

50:13 Drew Close to infinity.

50:15 Adam Every third person on a commercial sport in a clipboard, we're here at the Pons Institute for Skincare, hot chick, loose-eye thing, doors open, it's like, huh, Pons, really? It's just a bunch of Guatemalans that are cranking out some pava. Yeah, a hot chick, by the way, hot chicks with clipboards, TV and commercials versus real life. Drew, close your eyes, you've been in clinical settings. You ever seen a hot chick with a clipboard? Maybe she's handing it to a fat chick. Hi, I cleaned your clipboard, here you go. Never actually seen, never seen actually. People data, people writing stuff, and by the way, they're writing stuff on the clipboard, there's nothing coming in. It's not like they're staring at a computer screen and writing something down. They're walking around and writing stuff down. They're staring at a bumper. But anyway, picks the Ford up by the one bolt, and a guy stands underneath it in this modern garage. It's a silo, it's six stories high, it's got a 10 ton winch on the ceiling. And then the disclaimer, do not attempt. Don't attempt. So let me get this straight.

51:20 Drew Hope that's comical. I hope that's for comedy.

51:23 Adam Oh, hell no. Hell no. You want to know why it's not for comic effect? Because it's written in that sort of translucent, the sort of opaque-y but translucent lettering that you do. That's the sort of minimum that the government requires, just enough to distract Adam when he's drunk on the sofa. That one, because when you do the comical, do not attempt at home, it's in white letters and flashes. No, this is somebody could take one of their bed bolts out from their Ford F250, hook it up to block and tackle, hoisted up to the top of their seven-story garage, and it could snap and crush them. They could stand under it with nothing but their clipboard to protect them, by the way, and their white lab coat. There you go. And I thought, really? Is anyone going to do this? By the way, who has the facilities to do this? Your truck, it's 23 feet long. How high does your ceiling have to be on your garage in order to lift the thing? Answer four stories at least. And then secondly, think about how strong the ridge would have to be in order to lift the 5,000 pounds worth of truck with a block and tackle. Yeah, I'm going to do this. Here's what I'm saying. I don't want the attorneys to put this here anymore. Please, please, if somebody does this and gets crushed, that's their goddamn business. They don't get a penny from Ford. Okay? Do we have to have a disclaimer on everything? Then a commercial comes in for, like, Primeral. And it's like, if you're experiencing spotting or vaginal bleeding or uteral bleeding, lactating, not made for women who've had a breast removed or have a festering boils instead of vaginas, and I'm like, I'm vomiting up my food. Meanwhile, the old broad's kicking around a soccer ball, and they're just talking about, just, just, if, you know, you have explosive bowel syndrome or rectal bleeding, it's like, come on, I'm eating here. You got the goddamn thing on the package. Do I have to hear about it? Right. Just shut, we have to, really? This is it? You got to do a commercial and you got to F it up? You got to, you buy a beautiful car, you got to have the big yellow airbag sticker on the thing that you can't remove. Really? There's stickers everywhere. Everything's carved into everything. Everything's F'd up. You can't get anything nice anymore. It's got to have some warning sticker on it or some stamp on it. Ran, I got to fight, got to fight with the aspirin bottle. It's a child, it's children's proof. I'm drunk when I'm opening things most of the time. That's when I go for stuff. I can't get it. My hands are dry, Drew. They're feeble. Really? I got to spend a whole life fighting for something? There's no kids around?

54:00 Drew Can't take it anymore.

54:01 Adam Can't take the attorneys anymore. Please, can we stand up? Can people stand up? Can we take our country back? Can we, can we, can we, can we do battle against the extreme right who want to have the cross taken off the Los Angeles seal that does nut jobs, sorry, the extreme left, those ACLU nut jobs? Can we do battle with them and the extreme right who doesn't want the morning after pill out and then the attorneys? Can the sane people, there's more of us, there used to be more of us, can we rise up? Can we tell these people to shut the F up and we get on with our lives? Please, everybody. Alright. Stacey.

54:41 Drew Stacey, you're in law school now?

54:43 Well, yeah, well, I'm interested in human rights and environmental law, so I'm not a jerk lawyer and I agree with a lot of what you guys had to say.

54:51 Drew You're in law school now?

54:53 Yeah, I just started.

54:54 Adam What law school?

54:56 Washington University. I live in Illinois and it's in St. Louis so I drive over here. But I just started, I'm first year. But I'm not a jerk.

55:09 Drew You drive to St. Louis from?

55:11 It's just across the river. Yeah, St. Louis is right on the Mississippi.

55:17 Adam So Washington University.

55:18 Drew It's a great school, by the way.

55:19 Yeah.

55:20 Adam Washington University is in St. Louis? Hey, good times.

55:25 Drew It's got one of the greatest medical schools in the country.

55:28 So I just don't give all lawyers a bad name, because some of us, you know, work for having clean water and clean air and making sure people aren't being...

55:37 Adam I'm not nuts about you guys.

55:41 Drew So, Stacey, you know, you understand my point of view on this. You've...

55:45 Adam Recap.

55:46 Drew Well, she had a boyfriend she broke up with. He apparently was very labile, maybe bipolar or something. She broke up. He tried to kill himself. Now, she's infatuated, not in love with Stacey, infatuated with his boy, his brother. And she wants to start dating the brother after knowing full well how damaging that's going to be to her ex-boyfriend. I agree.

56:06 That's why I'm having a hard time and I have...

56:08 Drew But the hard time should be your one date away from forgetting about this guy.

56:14 Adam Let me tell you, and just for a quick definition of what love is versus infatuation, Drew is in love with his wife, not infatuated. Tom Lakers is in love with his voice, not infatuated, and blah. You know what I'm saying?

56:29 Drew Yeah, of course.

56:29 Adam That's what love is. It's not a passing thing. It's a full-time.

56:33 Well, it's because I never have these feelings.

56:35 Adam And it's never cruel and it doesn't judge. What else doesn't love do? I always hear that one in front of the wedding. It's a crappy poem. I don't know. Maybe it's in the Bible. Love is never...

56:47 Drew No, it's from the...

56:47 Adam It's not boastful.

56:48 Drew No, it's from the prophet, Cabral.

56:51 Adam Love's never boastful or never... I don't know why they... They have to say it in front of every wedding. I never quite get it. And I always have to say, oh yeah, it's a good four or five of those, isn't it? All right, so Stacey. I say... When did this guy try to kill himself? Oh, it's been a year?

57:15 Mm-hmm.

57:17 Adam It's been a year.

57:17 It's been a year I've been...

57:18 Drew Adam, come on...

57:21 Adam Okay, but look...

57:22 Drew Why haven't you been dating other guys?

57:24 Because it's...

57:27 Drew You go to law school, you meet a whole bunch of people.

57:28 I'm that old. I try. I don't meet anybody that I connect with, and that's why people who are close to me are... Some of them are telling me definitely to go for it because they know...

57:38 Adam Okay, well look, here's my thing. It's been a year. The guy doesn't live with his brother, right?

57:46 Yeah, they're not close. They live together, but they don't really spend time together. They live with their parents. One is moving out of the country, so...

57:59 Adam Wait a minute. Hold on. Does the one who tried to kill himself moving out of the country?

58:03 No. The brother is.

58:07 Adam By the way, Stacey's going to make the world's worst attorney. You're not even going to know who her client is.

58:15 Drew Somebody is moving out of the country.

58:17 Adam Well, here's how it starts. Well, they're not... Look, they're adults. They're not living together. Yeah, no. They're very distant. I mean, they live together. They live with their parents. They live with their parents. But no, no. One of them is moving out of the country.

58:29 Drew No, she just dropped. They're moving out of the country. And then you try to clarify that.

58:33 Adam I thought one of the brothers was moving out of the country. Stacey.

58:37 The brother I like is moving out of the country. I don't have a lot of time to talk, so it's like I'm trying to, you know, give you guys some kind of...

58:45 Adam Yeah, that makes sense.

58:46 But they're not close. He's fed up with his brother. They don't really talk.

58:50 Drew But you're not... How can you have a relationship with somebody that's not going to be living in the same country with you?

58:54 Well, that's his future plan. He's moving out. He's moving out of the house, intentionally. Eventually, he's going to move out of the country in a year from now or so.

59:03 Drew Why?

59:05 Well, because he's... I don't know. He's going to school overseas. He's interested in international relations and business.

59:13 Adam Stacy, you sound sketchy. Something's wrong with you.

59:18 I'm upset. I'm telling you...

59:20 Adam Look, here's the thing. Why is this guy living at home at age? What age is he?

59:24 He's 22. He just graduated.

59:28 Adam He needs to move out of the house. Okay. Stacy, here's the deal. Sorry about your nerves. Here's the situation. You can date him when he moves out of the house. Not before then, but also before he moves out of the country. There's a small window. There's going to be a small window of about, I'd say about 72 hours from the time he moves out of the house to the time he moves to Dunkirk.

59:53 Drew I say Stacy's got a bent antenna and if she's really attracted to the guy, it's not going to be something good. In this whole business of no, I can't connect with anybody. That's sort of BS. That's a way of not having relationships, not dating. You go on a ball show, you meet a whole new group of people, you go date people. It's all fantasy. It's all nonsense.

1:00:10 Adam She created a fantasy to keep her out of the game.

1:00:11 Drew That's right. And it's with a guy that's going to create more chaos and that's my point when I first started talking to you about the chaos in your relationships, you can just make things simple.

1:00:19 Adam Yeah. And by the way, oh, they don't talk, but they live in the same 900 square foot dump with the folks, by the way. Believe me, his brother won't be talking to him. He'll let his fist do the talking.

1:00:31 Drew Dad's got to be an alcoholic, but Lovelton, I don't care anymore.

1:00:34 Adam Don't care. Don't know. Don't care. Melissa?

1:00:39 Yes.

1:00:40 Adam You're 23? What's up?

1:00:44 Caller Well, I had a question regarding the fact that I've actually, for the past probably six months or so, been cheating on my boyfriend of about maybe four years now.

1:00:59 Drew Well, that relationship is over. That's the problem.

1:01:02 Adam How many guys you cheated with?

1:01:05 Caller There's been three. They were previous friends of mine that I had slept with before when I had been single.

1:01:10 Drew Well, that doesn't count.

1:01:12 Adam Did you?

1:01:14 Drew That's the case she's making though, right? Did you? You have to read through one's scripts here.

1:01:19 Adam Did you have sex with them?

1:01:23 Caller Yes. Before or currently? Both.

1:01:30 Adam Hold on a second.

1:01:31 Drew Yes. Both.

1:01:32 Adam No, currently, idiot. It's both though.

1:01:35 Drew It's even more comical.

1:01:36 Adam I know, but no, just before. No, you already said you'd slept with them before. That's what I want to know. Of course you slept with people before your boyfriend. Did you have sex with them currently? Of course you did. That's why you answered before, currently.

1:01:55 Caller If you had feelings for my boyfriend, I do love him.

1:01:58 Adam You feel he's an a-hole.

1:01:59 Drew Your actions are feeling...

1:02:02 Adam Well, trying to fart back to Drew.

1:02:04 Drew Your actions are telling you something different. Of course you love him. You've been with him for four years. You feel very attached to him and all, but it's over. You are for whatever reason either fearful or not willing or afraid of hurting him or afraid of being alone. Whatever it is, you need to be a man and step up and this thing before you really, truly harm him because you are going to get caught, you are going to slip up, something is going to happen where this is going to devolve into some sort of horrible chaos.

1:02:29 Caller I've never ever cheated on anyone before. I hate it. It's disgusting, but I just haven't felt it. It's nothing emotional. It's completely just physical.

1:02:39 Drew It means something.

1:02:40 Adam You make two compelling points. One is you're deeply in love with the guy you're cheating on constantly. Secondly, other than these three or four incidents of cheating, you've never cheated before. Fantastic.

1:02:52 Drew It's quite a logical progression there.

1:02:54 Adam Yeah. You're wrong on both accounts. So break up with the guy. Would you please?

1:03:00 Caller The thing is, I live with him.

1:03:06 Drew Then you're going to keep doing this until you get caught and he stabs you in your sleep. Yeah, stabs other guys.

1:03:11 Adam Or you.

1:03:12 Caller It's not something that could just stop because I just get tired of it. I've never cheated, so I don't know what it feels like from that point of view.

1:03:22 Adam Feels like a penis other than your boyfriend is going at you constantly.

1:03:25 Drew What do you mean that point of view? What are you talking about?

1:03:28 Caller The point is, I've had guy friends that have cheated on their girlfriends or whatever. I've been from an outside point of view.

1:03:37 Drew Guys cheat because they can. Women cheat more often than not when there's really an emotional problem.

1:03:42 Adam Or there's something really chaotic going on with them. Women cheat for two reasons, yes, I agree, two and a half, two and a half.

1:03:50 Drew They're bipolar, the half.

1:03:52 Adam They're nuts or they're acting out because the guy's ignoring them. And then the half part is they're horny and they're backpacking through Europe for summer.

1:04:01 Drew And also the relationships over too is just sort of another part of that half.

1:04:06 Adam Hey, Lisa? By the way, you saying I've never cheated before, you've been in this relationship for four years.

1:04:14 Drew Yeah, when would you have cheated? When you were 16?

1:04:16 Adam You've cheated with four guys.

1:04:18 Caller Yeah. I've actually, I've had only like two real serious other boyfriends.

1:04:23 Drew I understand. But Lisa, you've now chalked up an extensive cheating career. You've done it. You wouldn't have done it when you were 16 or 17. That's not, you've done it. You're still young. You've accumulated a career.

1:04:35 Adam Imagine yourself being 23 and going, you know, if only killed four people, you're young. You've got four bodies in your backyard. That's doing pretty good.

1:04:49 Drew Yeah, you did it.

1:04:49 Adam You're there.

1:04:50 Drew You are a cheater, officially.

1:04:51 Adam Right. Yeah, you did almost no cheating in kindergarten and just a smattering of cheating in grades one through five. You're cheating now. Break up with the guy.

1:05:02 Caller What relationship I've had like this long that I had a boyfriend the first time when I was 18 and then another one.

1:05:08 Adam Okay. Well, maybe you loved him or respected him or respected yourself. I don't know why you didn't cheat before. I don't know why killers don't kill earlier. But the point is, is you're cheating on this guy. It's time to break up. That's it. By the way, when you're 23 and you've been with someone since you're 19, time to break up.

1:05:26 Drew It's time.

1:05:27 Adam It's time to break up. Just really have some way of us and break up with the guy. Respect the guy. And don't tell him why. And here's the other thing, too. It's not because you're cheating. It's because whatever he's doing or whatever you two aren't doing together or wherever the relationship is going is causing you to want to cheat.

1:05:46 Drew The reason you're cheating and the reason you're breaking up are one and the same.

1:05:50 Adam Right.

1:05:50 Drew Stay with that.

1:05:52 Adam Right.

1:05:52 Right.

1:05:53 Adam Not breaking up because you're cheating, but breaking up because you feel compelled to cheat. And I wonder if I hear something. Jennifer?

1:06:01 Yes?

1:06:02 Adam You're 28?

1:06:04 Caller Yeah. I'm an old lady, you know.

1:06:08 Drew Oh, yeah, 28.

1:06:11 On the news tonight, they were talking about how women can sell their eggs for $5,000 apiece. And you can do it five times in your lifetime.

1:06:20 Drew I think it's $5,000 per harvest.

1:06:22 Adam It's usually three and five. That means apiece, I think.

1:06:25 Drew Per egg?

1:06:26 Adam No, no, for women, I think it means five grand per session or per purpose.

1:06:31 Drew Per session for harvesting.

1:06:32 I mean, harvest an egg. Go ahead if you're going to give me five grand. But I don't know where it is. But the other question I have is, what are the side effects? What could happen? Could you become sterile and not be able to have kids?

1:06:44 Drew Yeah, that happens. It's rare, but it's such a thing.

1:06:48 Adam Before we get to it, by the way.

1:06:49 Drew We're going to price our eggs?

1:06:51 Adam I want to try to see if I can come up the firm price for your eggs. Because they start, they start, yeah, Drew's already written a check for $7,500. So he thinks they're up. We're going to start at $5,000, all right? Because here's the reality of it. Claudia Schiffer's eggs go for more than Squatty McDumper's eggs.

1:07:15 Caller Well, I'm sure they have to do testing as well.

1:07:18 Caller Right, Dr. Drew?

1:07:19 Caller No.

1:07:19 Adam I don't know. Let's get to it. Let me see. We'll start at $5,000, all right?

1:07:23 Drew Mm-hmm.

1:07:24 Adam How tall are you? Five-nine. Five-nine. Tall. We're up to $5,800. You know what? I'm going to go six grants. And level of education?

1:07:37 Caller I graduated with a biopsychology degree.

1:07:40 Adam Oh, from what university?

1:07:43 Drew Mm-hmm.

1:07:45 Adam Drew, what's that?

1:07:47 Drew Okay.

1:07:47 Adam Chico State, what are you guys with? Just the bongs? Oh, wait.

1:07:51 Caller What is the name of the team?

1:07:53 Drew I spoke up there.

1:07:54 Adam What's the name of the team over there?

1:07:56 Caller Oh, the Wildcats.

1:07:58 Adam Wildcats.

1:07:58 Caller Yeah.

1:07:58 Adam All right, so we're at six grand. You got the, what's her degree in?

1:08:03 Caller Bi what?

1:08:05 Adam Biopsychology. Graduated. Four years?

1:08:09 Caller I played softball.

1:08:12 Adam All right, hold on. Now, my gauge is spinning all over the place. We're at six grand for eggs. We're going to go ahead and add another grand for the, no, you know what? I'm going to add $1,500 for the biopsychology thing. But then it's Chico State. I don't know if that's a great place. I'm going to go ahead and deduct $300 for the Chico State. You know, it's not like UCLA or Cal, Cal, Berkeley or something like that. So I'm going to deduct $300. Get us down to $7,200. Fine. She played softball. She's athletic. But it could be a dyke, you know what I mean, it could be a little haunchy. Took seven years to graduate.

1:08:52 Drew Because she played softball.

1:08:53 Adam I don't know what that means. I'm going to have to get some clarity, any clarity on that, any clarification, Jennifer.

1:09:02 Caller I also didn't do anything my freshman year besides party. So I really didn't go to school my freshman year.

1:09:10 Adam Okay. And what position do you play in softball? Oh, hold on. I've got to add 30 pounds as well as the duct, $250.

1:09:20 Drew Once you get the data.

1:09:21 Adam Be bigger, bigger.

1:09:22 Drew You haven't got the data.

1:09:23 Adam I'm working toward it, Drew. Come on, don't screw with my system. My dad's dad was working on this system, you understand? Passing along.

1:09:31 Drew Freaking Egyptians had this.

1:09:32 Adam 69. Okay, I'm at 69.50 right now, which is still doing pretty good. 5'9, how much you weigh?

1:09:41 138.

1:09:42 Caller I went to the doctor today and he weighed me.

1:09:44 Adam 138?

1:09:46 Caller Yeah.

1:09:46 Adam Okay, that's good. That's sturdy. That's solid. That's just, we're keeping it even. 138. Eye color? Brown. I'm sorry. It's a $50 deduction. I don't want to sound, you know, like some kind of airing brief, but it's what the market dictates. All right, so we're at $6,900 right now. That's a pretty good price for those eggs. Well, whoa, what cup size are you? Thanks, Drew.

1:10:14 Caller I'm a 34B. I'm a handful.

1:10:19 Adam Handful. Not me, sister. No.

1:10:24 Caller Oh, you're married, so it's okay.

1:10:26 Adam Yeah, but it's really, look, it's really, to me, that handful, first off, I'll decide what I need. Don't tell me what I need in the boom department. Omar. And, you know, that mornin mouthfuls of waste, all righty? Look, here's the thing. You could just drive yourself a nice beige Camry. You don't need, you know, it's got 180 horsepower. You never need the other 200 horsepower or the 10th airbag or the suspension. You don't need leather interior. You got a nice beige Velour. You don't need, you want. See what I'm saying, Drew?

1:11:01 Drew I know you want.

1:11:02 Adam I want.

1:11:03 Drew Okay, so we got pretty, pretty good value.

1:11:05 Adam You're looking pretty good. Looking pretty good. I'll keep you about $6,900. All right. And look, as far as the long-term health term, the long-term health term, yeah, you're going to, they'll explain all that crap.

1:11:22 Drew Yeah, it's a procedure. It's not without risk, although the risks are slim. You can over-stimulate the ovaries so they outstrip their own blood supply. There are theoretical concerns about ovarian cancer. So it's not something you should go into with, you know, blindly.

1:11:38 Adam How many eggs do you get in one harvesting?

1:11:39 Drew Some people get up to 20.

1:11:42 Adam Yeah, and Drew, you always get stuck on the five grand an egg, but I think a harvest session is what gets you that.

1:11:48 Drew Well, she said five grand each, and I was like, no, no, no, it's five grand a harvest session, yes.

1:11:52 Adam People look at a harvest section as an egg. Okay, we'll take ourselves a quick break. What do you think engineer Chris could get for a sperm?

1:12:04 Drew 12 bucks.

1:12:04 Adam Hold on, let me try this.

1:12:05 Drew Well, sperm doesn't, that nearly is a…

1:12:07 Adam Yeah, 28 lives at home.

1:12:12 Drew We've got to go to break, let's go. Endless supply, though.

1:12:14 Adam He would, he'd beat off a Dixie cup, and they'd be like, that's $4, please. Medical waste, we have to incinerate it. All right, we'll take a quick break. That's right, buddy. We'll be right back after this. Hey, everybody. Loveline. That's Dr. Drew, front number 1-800-O-V-E-1-9-1. All right, since we're talking about everything but Loveline tonight, a couple other things. So a few things, thought about earlier today. Did you see in the little Mexican embassy standoff with the sniper today?

1:13:04 Drew No, I didn't see that in Los Angeles.

1:13:06 Adam Yeah, Drew, ooh, it was all the news all the time from the time the sun came up to the time it went down.

1:13:15 Drew I didn't watch television, no.

1:13:17 Adam Nothing.

1:13:18 Drew Didn't go by TV today.

1:13:19 Adam Zero, nothing. What about anyone else? Do you speak to anybody?

1:13:22 Drew Occasionally.

1:13:23 Adam They don't say anything, all over, nothing but.

1:13:26 Drew I was on the web a bunch of times today. They didn't, what do you listen to when you're in your car, Drew?

1:13:32 Caller Opera, Puccini.

1:13:33 Drew This is the lectures. Verdi, believe it or not.

1:13:36 Adam Anderson, do you know what I'm talking about?

1:13:37 Drew Yeah, of course.

1:13:38 I listen to talk radio all day.

1:13:39 Caller Yeah, you don't even look.

1:13:41 Adam Go home when your dog's nose.

1:13:43 Drew So what happened?

1:13:44 Adam Engineer Chris.

1:13:46 Drew Uh-oh.

1:13:47 Adam Uh-oh. That's a negative.

1:13:48 Drew Oh yeah.

1:13:51 Adam Yeah.

1:13:51 Drew I didn't get to watch TV either.

1:13:52 Adam Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:13:54 Drew What happened?

1:13:55 Adam You've joined an elite fraternity, engineer Chris.

1:13:57 Of course.

1:13:59 Drew What happened?

1:13:59 Adam Okay. Anderson, can you, you're more like me. Can you imagine if someone didn't hear this story today?

1:14:07 Caller It'd be strange. Because I listen to talk radio all day. So I'm, I always have an idea of like the top stories.

1:14:14 Adam It's, I don't know. What was it? The Mexican consulate, consulate.

1:14:18 Drew I think it's consulate.

1:14:19 Adam Anyway, the point is that guy came out, took a hostage.

1:14:24 Drew He walked in with a, he had like a sandwich board on.

1:14:27 Adam Yeah. He was crazy and he took a hostage. And the SWAT team put the sniper bullet right in the dude's eye and took him down. And they normally don't do that. We're talking about our beloved attorneys and how everyone's scared to do their jobs and no one can squeeze a trigger anymore because everyone's going to get their ass sued off. And the city's got to pay millions of dollars out to, you know, junkies that were hopped up on an elephant tranquilizer or a cop give a nice proper beating to every once in a while. And then it costs millions of dollars and now no one can do their job. But the point is, is a sniper pulled the trigger and took this guy down because then what happens? You get in a car and it's a high speed chase to Mexico and everyone else gets killed. You know what I mean? And here's the thing, these guys, these snipers, eh, put a lemon on a fence post, put them 400 yards away, they'll take it out 25 out of 26 times. And the other part, they hit down the fence post a half an inch. Let them go ahead and squeeze the trigger. Especially when they know they got a kill. They'll do it every time. I mean, these guys are crazy. So here's my point. I thought to myself, if I ever get into a hostage situation, I want to somehow let the sniper know it's okay to squeeze the trigger. I would like to have that paperwork, because otherwise, it's a good pistol whipping by the guy, it's thrown in the back of the car, and then it's the high-speed pursuit, where he decides he's going to end his life and mine by driving off the freeway overpass or into a semi truck. I want the guy to take the shot. Go ahead, when you got a clean one, go ahead. And by the way, the guys aren't that far away. Snipers, 20 yards away.

1:16:02 Drew One of the things that's come out of all the sort of international problems we're having is that things have clarified a little bit.

1:16:08 Adam Little bit. You got a clean kill, got a good kill.

1:16:11 Drew But there's such a, but people like the hit, those good guys are bad guys, I can't get that now.

1:16:14 Adam Here's all I want, here's what I want. I decided there should be a system, much like I have the sticker for the donor on my license, sniper hat, it's a symbol of a hat turned backwards.

1:16:26 Drew Perfect.

1:16:26 Adam And that means, if Corolla ever gets in this hostage situation, squeeze away.

1:16:31 Drew Well, that's-

1:16:31 Adam Quick run of the DMV, and they just get on the computer, who do we got in there, it's Corolla, it's got sniper hat, squeeze away.

1:16:39 Drew But it's not up to the hostage, whether or not the-

1:16:42 Adam No, it is. I'm saying that I'm gonna-

1:16:45 Drew Is that why they're afraid to do it? Cause the hostage might get hit too or something?

1:16:48 Adam Of course, that's why they're afraid to do it.

1:16:50 Drew No, they're afraid to do it because you're infringing on his rights, who knows what the situation is?

1:16:55 Adam Well, yes, but yeah, but that's okay. When a guy's standing there with no hostage and he's insane and he's spouting out all sorts of crazy-isms, they don't wanna shoot him. When a guy has a hostage and is especially brandishing a weapon and is looking like they're gonna hurt the hostage, I think they're fine with killing the gunman, it's just the fear of hitting the hostage makes him, and the 1% chance of hitting the hostage overrides the 99% chance they're gonna actually get the guy, and they usually have discretion be the better part of valor. I'm saying, I'm signing off, squeeze the trigger.

1:17:34 Caller Got it.

1:17:34 Adam And you see the little sticker with backwards hat.

1:17:37 Caller Perfect.

1:17:38 Adam Drew, you want one of those on your license?

1:17:39 Drew I want a T-shirt like that.

1:17:40 Adam You know what you could do, you take the backwards hat, you put it on the donor circle.

1:17:44 Drew Yeah, yeah.

1:17:45 Adam Yeah.

1:17:45 Drew Perfect.

1:17:46 Adam Yeah, I know the T-shirt you may not be wearing when you're taking a hostage.

1:17:49 Drew Yeah, just in case, though, I like the T-shirt.

1:17:51 Adam With the bullseye or with the hat going backwards? Shoot, it's stupid in the arrow. You know what else I'd like on my license? I would like a sticker of the shape of the things I want donated, because I don't want everything donated, except the shape of a spleen.

1:18:08 Drew How would you specify the cornea?

1:18:10 Adam Cornea, it's its own shape.

1:18:11 Drew A little contact lens shape, you know, convex.

1:18:13 Adam Yeah, whatever it is, we'll work, don't worry about that, Drew, I'll work that out.

1:18:18 Drew You're right.

1:18:19 Adam Little stickers all over, ooh, what do you got? Well, I'm giving a liver, spleen, cornea, right lung, not the left, that's a keeper, yeah. That's my ticket to through the pearly gates, I need a lung. All right, you ready to rock, Drew? Ready to rock? All right, let's talk to Lana. Lana, 26. What's up? Doing great, baby, thanks for asking.

1:18:43 Caller Okay, so I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year and he only seems to be able to orgasm when he's standing up, whether during sex or when I'm going down on him. I don't know if this is like a sign that he's got some sort of erectile dysfunction or this.

1:18:59 Drew No, no, no, no, no.

1:19:02 Adam Really, do you think that's a sign that there's erectile dysfunction?

1:19:05 Drew Well, it's something.

1:19:07 Caller I mean, it's not something I'm normally accustomed to.

1:19:11 Adam Yeah.

1:19:13 Drew Everyone's a little different that way and this is his thing. He's one of those guys that needs to tighten his legs probably in order to ejaculate.

1:19:19 Adam Whatever. What works for him?

1:19:22 Drew Whatever.

1:19:23 Adam Well, I mean, what if you got on top of him? He couldn't do it that way.

1:19:28 Caller No, he also seems to lose direction easily too in any other position.

1:19:33 Adam Other than, let's say, a little doggy. Standing by the foot of the bed.

1:19:38 Caller Yeah, that works perfectly.

1:19:41 Drew How's it all for you?

1:19:41 Caller It's fine.

1:19:50 Adam Chicks were way too much thinking, by the way.

1:19:52 Drew Imagine if chicks had to deal with chicks. Their heads would explode.

1:19:56 Adam Well, lesbos do.

1:19:57 Drew But you know what I mean? Everyone's so different.

1:19:58 Caller I mean, like, how long?

1:20:00 Adam Yeah, guys, very, very bad. Let me tell you the difference between, difference between guys and sexualities, like the difference between a spoon and a spork. Yeah, both white plastic. Well, one of them's got a little, yeah, it's about the same. No, you do the same thing. You got to eat a yogurt, do it with the other one.

1:20:21 Drew For women, it's, you're going off the utensil chart. It's like you leave that utensil. You go to Chopsticks and you go to, I mean, it's spears.

1:20:29 Adam Oh, you got to, nutmeg grinders. Crazy, they're all over the place. Yeah, yeah. Let me tell you this with Thanksgiving coming up.

1:20:38 Drew Tell me.

1:20:39 Adam Little eggnog full of fresh nutmeg on top, huh?

1:20:42 Drew I had a Starbucks.

1:20:43 Adam Fresh nutmeg.

1:20:44 Drew Eggnog, it's coffee, unbelievable.

1:20:47 Adam Oh, listen, do not deny yourself the nog this year, everybody. And really, not a whole lot better than eggnog. You don't do better than eggnog.

1:20:57 Drew Let's do a cranberry recipe coming up.

1:21:00 Adam Yeah, you guys want to get your pads and pencils ready because Uncle Ace is going to be giving us a cranberry recipe, and that will be accompanied with a 45-minute crazed rant about why we need cranberries in our lives and why we need fresh cranberries.

1:21:14 Drew You're not going to bleed that in any religious, something religious address.

1:21:17 Adam You're not going to get fired up. All right, so what's her name? Lana is fine, right?

1:21:24 Drew He's fine, yeah.

1:21:25 Adam He's fine, Lana. Leave him be. He's cool. You're doing a good job.

1:21:29 Caller I guess. I'll keep at it.

1:21:32 Caller Yeah.

1:21:32 Adam You sound hot, too, baby.

1:21:35 Caller It's actually my cold, but thanks.

1:21:37 Adam Yeah. Lana is just a hot name.

1:21:39 Caller What do you do?

1:21:41 Adam Do a little cocktail waitressing or something? What do you do?

1:21:46 Caller I'm a research assistant.

1:21:49 Adam I knew it.

1:21:51 Drew Yay.

1:21:51 Adam Do you have a clipboard? Do you have a clipboard?

1:21:56 Caller No, I don't.

1:21:59 Drew Oh, okay. Actual researchers never have clipboards. Yeah. At least not that they would walk around with.

1:22:06 Adam All right. You ready? You ready to play Germany or Florida?

1:22:08 Drew Yeah, let's do it.

1:22:09 Adam Sweeping the nation this game. Cassie? Twenty-one?

1:22:14 Yep.

1:22:14 Adam What's happening?

1:22:16 Nothing much.

1:22:17 Adam Got a little Germany or Florida for us?

1:22:26 Drew I think Anderson's taking Dag's whining too hard.

1:22:30 Adam Actually Dag, or David Alan Greer, or my main man as I know him, evidently listens to the show more than he sort of should once admit or should, but does seem to call us on a few things and does understand that we don't play his Germany or Florida theme when we do Germany or Florida. We do the Things Are Sick and Twisted from Too Much Sun and Nazis. Death and Death, wait, Sex, Meth and Death, Fetishes, both of them, God, it's a good song. Play it Anderson, come on, I love that God damn song.

1:23:06 Caller Too much sun and Nazis, Sex, Meth and Death, Fetishes, both of them have got these, guaranteed not to bore ya, Germany or Florida.

1:23:14 Caller It's bad, but it was so good.

1:23:15 Drew Alright Cassie, go.

1:23:17 Caller Police detain a naked 25 year old woman and her 23 year old partner who were engaged in sexual intercourse on the pavement in the middle of a busy shopping district.

1:23:26 Drew We heard this one.

1:23:27 Adam We had this one. Sorry. Sorry sweetie pea.

1:23:32 Drew Let's try though.

1:23:33 Adam That's alright. Alright.

1:23:34 Drew Well done.

1:23:44 Adam Whatever it was, we were right about it and it was a week ago, right? Okay. Take a quick break. We'll be right back after this. 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:23:58 Caller Hey buddy, it's Adam.

1:23:59 Drew And I'm Dr. Drew.

1:24:00 Caller Here to talk about Axe Deodorant Body Spray.

1:24:02 Drew Yes sir.

1:24:03 Adam You spray that on, you give stink the axe.

1:24:18 Caller Yeah, woo, get it on, get it on, get it on. Gotta tell you what, gotta get it on. Freak out, get it on. Woo, get it on.

1:24:29 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline.

1:24:31 Caller Get it on, I'm Adam, get it on.

1:24:33 Adam It's Dr. Drew, get it on. Watching news today again, Drew. Little something, little something.

1:24:39 Drew What'd you learn?

1:24:39 Adam It comes up. Well, I learned that the Scott Peterson trial.

1:24:43 Drew Oh yeah, hunger, I heard about that.

1:24:45 Adam Looks like it might be a mist trial or something. And then I started realizing, you know, the interview of these jurors and they're really worse than the people that call this show. And then I think to myself, you know, there's people I like, I wouldn't want deciding. Let me tell you, people, I'm trying to think what people's strengths and weaknesses are. One of the things humans don't do real good is just take in input and then make logical decisions based on it. The jury system, if you think about it and you think about the folks you just see out, just walk around, you know what I mean? Go out, go out on the road, guy in front of you, guy behind you, guy at the supermarket. Would you really want him processing information and making a decision? Hmm? Not really, I really wouldn't. I wouldn't if it was me who was, might go to prison, I wouldn't be if it was me whose spouse this guy was allegedly murdered. Here's what I'm saying.

1:25:44 Drew People that work in the legal system always say, well jurors, they seem to make the right decision.

1:25:48 Adam It's the best, well look, it may not be the best, but it's the only one. I think we gotta move away. And all I'm saying is, let's just get that lie detector thing going, I've talked about it a long time. Lie detector's been around for 40 years. It's fairly effective now. It's not effective with everybody. And again, we do this thing where it's like, well if it doesn't work on 2% of the people that do it, then we can't use it. Well, don't you think the jury screws up more in 2% of the time? I mean, you got OJ and Klaus Van Buelo and maybe Scott Peterson. Oh, it happens all the time, good and bad. I mean, and first off, we're always worried about, well, if this just sends one guy to prison, let me do this one. If it sends one guy, one innocent man to prison, then it's not worth, well, I think it is. But it's not all about sending guys who aren't guilty to prison. I mean, it could keep a lot of guys who aren't guilty out of prison who we end up sending to prison. Think about that. I mean, think about all those poor guys who couldn't afford, you know, legal representation, who got some DA who was, you know, looking to screw with the evidence a little. What about all those guys who got railroaded? Keep all those guys, but those guys wish they just took a light attack there. I mean, imagine you're innocent. You're just sitting there and the DA's like pulling up people. Yeah, I saw him. Some racist guy sitting there going, no, that was him. What would that feel like? You'd be praying for a lie detector. Here's all I'm saying. Lie detector's been around for a while. Now we got super computers, man. I mean, we can read people's retinas and stuff. We know more about the brain than we ever did.

1:27:30 Drew Let's come up with something.

1:27:31 Adam Let's just work on it. Let's just focus on it. Put the world to it. And it's a world standard. It's just everywhere. And there's no trials, there's no publicity, there's no judges, no nothing. And we still keep a couple of judges just for sentencing, but it's real easy. Scott Pearson, we think you murdered your wife. No, I didn't. Great. Put your finger through here. Put this belt around here. Gonna ask you, actually, not even a series of questions. One question. Did you murder your wife? Yes or no? Pow, done. Let's just focus on that technology. Seriously, Drew, how far away are we from that? And wouldn't you just, if you were innocent, wouldn't you just want to take one?

1:28:10 Drew Sure, but biological, oh, it'd be tough. It's gotta be something like that. You're right, though. We should be able to put our mind to finding something if there is something like that.

1:28:18 Adam We got some, you know, Viking probe that's taking pictures of Mars and getting ready, landing stuff on Mars. We got fake hearts and valves and stuff, and we're going crazy. We're going nuts. We could do this. And plus, it's already, the technology's already in place. It just needs to be refined a little bit. We could do it, Drew. And we could do it soon. We could focus on it. Boom, no more courts, no more juries, no more OJs, no more nothing. And just take care of it.

1:28:51 Drew For a while, we could just have a system where people, you sign up. It's like, if you want the lie detector, if you haven't done it, sign up for the lie detector.

1:28:58 Adam Here's the thing too, by the way, we're spending a lot of time with Scott Peterson. What if he didn't do it? Aren't there murders? What about the guy who killed Ron Perlman and Nicole? Still on the loose. We gotta go after him. Know what I'm saying? And if you don't wanna submit to the lie detector, it's just like not submitting to a breathalyzer. You get a DUI, you're guilty. And it's guilt, right? Oh, you don't wanna do it? Well, you must be drunk. See what I'm saying? All right, I brought it up before, but no one focused on it, Drew. Let's do it. You'd be for it, right?

1:29:31 Drew Yeah, yeah, of course. Here we go, break it down.

1:29:34 Caller No, break it down, get it on.

1:29:36 Drew No, no, break it down.

1:29:38 Caller Rae Lynn?

1:29:41 Adam You're 19?

1:29:42 Caller Yes.

1:29:43 Adam Four months pregnant?

1:29:48 Caller And on hold for a while.

1:29:49 Adam All right, and you have a boyfriend?

1:29:53 Caller Yeah.

1:29:53 Drew And what's happening?

1:29:55 Caller And he does not wanna keep the kid. I actually was gonna go in for an abortion before, but we both didn't do it. And I'm having really mixed feelings. I don't know what to do. And I don't want him.

1:30:09 Drew Adoption, adoption, adoption. This child needs two parents.

1:30:13 Caller Yeah.

1:30:13 Drew Two parents who are not 19, two parents who are really ready to be parents. If you wanna make a sacrifice on behalf of the child, if you really are concerned for the child and not your feelings about your pregnancy, which I know is a tough, tough thing to overcome, give this child up for adoption.

1:30:30 Adam Yes, there will be, by the way, they vigorously, they vigorously screen the gay couples before they give the kids to them. Raylan?

1:30:43 Caller Yeah, what about gay couples?

1:30:46 Adam I'm just saying, by the way, do you get a choice? What if you don't want your kids to go to a gay couple? Is that weird? You get to say?

1:30:52 Drew I think so.

1:30:55 Adam They pick the family?

1:30:56 Drew Okay.

1:30:57 Adam All right. Go gay, I say, on the family. Better people. Really are. What's your boyfriend do? Does he work? No job? No job. All right. Well, you gotta go for the, you gotta go the adoption route. So what-

1:31:16 Drew John needs a fighting chance.

1:31:17 Adam Needs a chance. What's the question, though?

1:31:20 Drew That's it, that's the question.

1:31:22 Caller I'm just having really mixed feelings because like he totally won't settle for anything other than adoption.

1:31:30 Drew You know, there's an interesting thing with again, men and women, men are much more pragmatic about this because they have no drive for baby. Women have a maternal drive. There's an organic, almost erotic drive for a baby in addition to an emotional drive too. And so it's hard to disconnect from that. And men can be very pragmatic about it. No, no, no, let's just do what's good for this child. Let's go, come on, let's go.

1:31:52 Adam Right, yeah, yeah, and guys are, you know, they might eat the kid too. Let's be honest, 19-year-old, unemployed, gets stoned, eats the kid. Yeah, listen to your boyfriend. He's not gonna be right very often, but this time he may be. And look, it's a tough decision. I know we're very casual about it. Oh, give it up for adoption. But it is the right thing to do because your job is to think what's best for the kid not what's best for you and the kid, just the kid.

1:32:20 Drew Or what you feel would be right because your feelings are going to be naturally to stay with the child.

1:32:25 Adam Right.

1:32:26 Drew It may not be the best interest of the child.

1:32:28 Adam Quick break, be right back after this.

1:32:31 Okay, so I know there's nothing wrong with me. So what's up?

1:32:45 Caller 877-889-DATE.

1:32:48 Loveline, 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:33:08 Adam Tomorrow night, Elizabeth from The Apprentice. Hot, hot, hot, hot, Elizabeth. I'll pick up the pieces. And then Jason Bateman and Will Arnett from Arrested Development on Thursday night. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo. Why don't we invent a religion for animals? Aren't they scared? They get run over all the time.

1:33:29 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Annie Gold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Tuesday, November 9, 2004